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#or im gonna make shit a WHOLE LOT WORSE
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I- I'm not feeling the best... I haven't been for a while... I'm going to try to get some rest or something. What do you normally do when you're sick? I'll figure it out... anyways just don't question if I like. Die or something. I dunno.
I know I haven't been the best of a person lately, but this is a little much...
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toastsnaffler · 19 days
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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I'm quitting my job in half an hour.
#this job depends on me way too much to carry the whole damn restaurant#its killing me#the stress. both mental and physical. is ruining me#its just me and a trainee who doesnt know anything after 10am#i have to bring a coworker home at 10am. and im just not gonna come back#gonna text my manager like ten minutes before we go so that he has a warning and can come help the trainee#if i start to feel bad i remember that he could fire me at any time with no warning#this job has treated me like shit as long as ive been here and ive finally hit my breaking point#i had an interview at Starbucks the other day and i did pretty well#hoping that they'll hire me#if they dont then ill come back here. kind of#i work in a restaurant connected to a gas station#the gas station serves food. salads and sandwiches and stuff#i used to work in the kitchen over there and make the salads and sandwiches and stuff#i just learned that they want me to go back there#i might#they treated me a little better and i liked the work a lot more#the walking out wont be too big of a factor. not too much to keep them from rehiring me#theyve let people back who have been fired for so much worse#ive got options. they shouldve remembered that before treating me like shit#i shouldve left long ago#like when they made me run it by myself for nine hours. or when i had to spend the day cleaning up maggots by myself#but i guess this is my breaking point#i would get no break today if i stayed. work nine hours with someone who doesnt do shit. with no break#not doing that to myself#im gonna text my boss. drive home. take a nap. figure out some next steps#im gonna visit my fam for Christmas. i was gonna do it for only three days#im thinking im gonna extend my visit#my sibling will be there too and i havent seen them for quite awhile. so itll be nice to have more time with them#cant wait until 10
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#im gonna get existential here and then reblog a bunch of shit so that neither myself nor anyone else has to see this#if any of my buddies happen to see this#this is your warning#i wouldnt wosh this mental spiral pn anyone#you eber think about how one day yoir eyes are gonna close for the last time and thats it?#no reincarnation no waking up in a new world even any dreams of a fictional reality will end once braon activity dies#and that list blink cojld happen at any moment#because i think about it! i never want to its practkcally intrusive thoughts at this point#but i do! against my will!#kinda makes it hard to sleep cause im suddenly too scared to in case i sont wake up!#and what have i even done with my life? not a whole lot#im never gonna leave my mark on history or even on my family tree#i am utterly average and ghats pkay not everyone ks gonna be exceptional with a story#but god damn ive really not done much and theres things ive wanted to do and havent and i coukd easily get on with ot#if i wasnt such a procrastinating pussy#also probably cant get legally married cause unofficially disabled people cant get married unless they want to be financially fucked#so yknow just trying to sleep so i can enjoy my date tomorrow with my fiance and my brain is pulling this shit#likely because ive been in canada nearly 7 months and i still have found a job and probably wont#and also i turn 30 in 3 months#i know i know 30 isnt old but my brain gremlins are rioting and im having a jard tome wrangling them#its hard being away from my support system#im across the world from the people i could seek a hug from#fiance fights this with logic but thag gends to just make ghis worse#and we both run warm so we cant really cuddle for long without bkth of us overheating#so yeah. brain is braining and im tired but cant sleep
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celestialmancer · 5 months
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As much as I can take pride in how I can draw mouths well & how fun it is to do like unique stuff w that, I always am antsy that it'll end up getting me looked at weird for drawing them or get me weird unnecessary comments.........
#been havin this thought since yesterday w the. mouth refs i drew for ishtar bc i wanted to like. show off little unique features bc.#its fun to me? to show little details & such like the fact they have glowy tongue or double fangs & such. when in alien self ofc.#but like... I've had a. history. of ppl always kinda. making. certain remarks. about how i draw mouths. & its always so..........#it makes me feel. uncomfortable.#now mind you i dont mind if friends make jokes (ideally as long as it doesn't touch on a certain thing that is a lil bit ick to me) bc like#its my friends so ofc they're allowed to say whatever the hell they want im not gonna give a shit my friends always have like.#open leeway freepass to almost any kind of remark & i will not care i'll find it funny. but its specifically when its from acquaintances#that i dont know well. or worse. from strangers. that i'll start to feel. a way about if they make those kinda remarks.#only instance i'd be bothered by friend makin a comment that's more out there is if its done in a way that's excessive? like as in#makin it seem like they're tryna reduce the thing i drew to just. that. or insinuate repeatedly i had diff intentions ww hat i drew.#(by taht i mean them imposing on me the idea that its for kink reasons which--dont. reduce me to that. please. its wildly uncomfy.)#(when you get reduced to just that i mean. bc i have had this happen/be done to me by ppl as. reducing me to just “kink person” or#other. kinds of. things like that.)#but w strangers its a hard please do not fuckin claim id rew that bc of. those reasons. at all. idc. or dont be weird ig is the gist.#anyway this tag ramble got lengthier than i expected so. whatever.#ishtar rambles ;#btw? this isn't me being against kink stuff. bc i dont judge for that. so do not twist this into some kink shame thing.#its just voicing this whole 'please don't reduce me to kinks only' issue i have had happen a lot.
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scrambled-eggsed · 1 year
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had the worst case of my blood becoming icy and my heart dropping to the floor thinking about a work thing in the SHOWER. truly embarrassing
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dr-spectre · 4 months
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I saw this really great thread on twitter by Grungygrim and it definitely highlights my thoughts and frustrations with the story of these games and the Splatoon fandom as a whole. (be forewarned, i get really tilted in this blog post fyi.)
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I made a blog post about 2 weeks ago where i said that i was happy that the narrative online that "Callie is an idiot who got kidnapped and then brainwashed/mind controlled against her consent" is going away. (Here's the link: https://www.tumblr.com/dr-spectre/749710338672525312/im-so-happy-that-the-narrative-online-that?source=share)
Unfortunately I'm gonna have to retract a lot of the stuff i said. I'm still seeing, TILL THIS DAY THAT NARRATIVE ONLINE! IM STILL SEEING SO MUCH MISINFORMATION AND IT MAKES ME REALLYYYY ANGRYYYY!!! As a big fan of Callie, people completely outright ignoring her character arc THAT WAS SET UP SINCE SPLATOON 1 BY THE WAY!!! and not even bothering to look at outside sources for more information and lore genuinely pisses me the fuck off to no end.
No, hypnosis is NOT MIND CONTROL/BRAINWASHING! I DONT WANNA KEEP REPEATING IT! YOU CAN LOOK IT UP! if a person is genuinely uncomfortable and doesn't wish to take the suggestions to heart while hypnotized, THEY WONT DO SO! THEY STILL HAVE CONTROL! Yes, Marie did say "kidnapped" in some of her dialogue, but from her perspective, OF COURSE SHE'S GONNA THINK CALLIE GOT KIDNAPPED! She's known to worry about Callie all the time and ruminate about her, of course she's gonna think of the worst case scenario, doesn't mean she's right though. Was Octavio still in the wrong for hypnotizing Callie in the first place and allowing her to bring out her darker traits more easily? YEAH! NO SHIT! HE'S A BAD DUDE! Not a totally evil person but he has made some awful decisions out of desperation for his people. Why do you think he was so quick to help out the New Squidbeak Splatoon in the finale of Splatoon 3? His people got turned into fluffy monsters by a giant bear, he's all about helping his people.
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Hell look at how Callie acts while under the Hypnoshades, she decorates Octo Canyon and her peppy and energetic self is still in tact even during the final boss, she's just more mean and violent. Callie was in an emotional and mentally unwell situation due to her overworking herself and being incredibly lonely as her relationship with Marie was damaged overtime. Callie accepted the suggestions of DJ Octavio and heard him out, AS SAID BY HER FROM THE RELATIONSHIP CHART! She wasn't forced into anything. She didn't suffer "sexual abuse" from Octavio by being forced into skippy clothing as some psychos say online, if she didn't want to wear that outfit she wouldn't cause hypnosis is NOT MIND CONTROL!! I hate having to repeat this over and over again, i hate how the developers basically rushed and ruined this interesting villain arc with stupid shades, only to try and hastily fix it later with an obscure post about A GOD DAMN RELATIONSHIP CHART THAT PEOPLE EITHER DONT KNOW ABOUT OR DONT CARE TO LOOK AT BECAUSE THEY SEE SPLATOON AS SOMETHING FOR KIDS AND TO NOT GIVE ANY CARE TOWARDS!!!!!!!!
I made a god damn giant blog explaining Callie in Splatoon 2 because i felt so frustrated about how my favorite character in the series was being treated and i tried to salvage the story that the writers tried to make. The way that people made her situation worse by saying she got kidnapped and forcibly ""mind controlled/brainwashed"" actually gave me chest pain, thinking about that kind of scenario for Callie actually hurts me... Heck i cant even listen to the Splatoon 2 stage music or final boss music because hearing her reversed vocals makes me feel uncomfortable due to the misinformation online. I hated all the misinformation and i wanted it to stop. HELL EVEN IN GIANT TIMELINE VIDEOS WHERE PEOPLE DO TONS OF RESEARCH THEY STILL GET IT WRONG!! UGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! i guess it'll still be the common and popular notion that Callie is an idiot that got kidnapped and then ""mind controlled"" by some shades... oh well... ugh...
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I'm sorry if I'm coming off as really angry, i am. It's just, my brain is really hyperfixated on this squid and she means a lot to me. Seeing the way the fandom as well as the writers treat her makes me really mad. I hope i can find some peeps who feel the same way as i do. Misinformation is so frustrating man... i dont even wanna get into the Octarians because that's a whole other can of worms... anyways im done ranting. have a good night or good morning wherever you live y'all.
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guacala · 1 year
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Bella ramsey x reader and the reader like leaves hickies on bella without them realizing and bella goes to set/ an interview with it and Pedro makes fun of them
hickeys, bella ramsey
masterlist pairing: bella ramsey x fem!reader summary: you leave hickeys on bella and when she shows up to an interview with them, pedro makes fun of them word count: 1k warnings: suggestive themes (reference to previous smut), language, pedro annoying bella, but mostly a lot of fluff a/n: bellie and pedge have my whole heart. i used she/her pronouns for the reader since you didn’t specify which you preferred, lmk if you want me to change it. also, im sorry it took so long (writer's block is a bitch) and if it seems like it’s on crack, its probably cause i was listening to queen shaki and lana del ray while writing this… <3
you wake up to the morning light, a lazy smile making its way on your face as you roll over to see Bella choosing out some rings from your small jewelry box.
“good morning sleepy,” they say, looking over at you with a smile as you get up to sit criss-cross applesauce on the edge of your shared bed.
“g’morin’,” you say, eyes still half closed and reaching out towards Bella.
they walk into your arms, their own wrapping around you.
“you sleep well?” they ask, pressing a kiss to your forehead, knowing how much morning breath kisses bothered you.
you nod against them, leaning further into their touch, “you?”
“mhm,” they hum in agreement, pulling away from you to finish getting ready.
you take in the outfit that they had chosen for their day full of interviews, starting from the black jeans that fit them way too well, up to the black and white button-up with green accents, which was technically yours.
“pretty,” you say, sleep still clear in your voice as you slightly drag on the e.
“thank you, babe,” they say, and your eyes trail up to their face to see their smile grow, but something else catches your eyes and makes you do a double take.
“um, Bells?” you say, awake now, with wide eyes, and you can feel your face getting hot.
“yeah?” they say in response.
“um…” you start to say, but words escape you.
“what's wrong?” they ask as they take in your embarrassed state.
“your- um- well- i- just come here,” you say, getting up and walking over to the bathroom as they follow you, concern clearly written on their face.
“what is it?” they ask, and you simply point at the mirror, watching their face, carefully, as they look at where you're pointing.
their eyes widen, and their jaw drops in amusement as they take in the trail of purple and red marks starting at their neck and going down under the shirt.
they start to laugh, and you hide your face in your hands.
“i’m sorry, i-” you start to apologize before Bella cuts you off.
“no, don’t say sorry, i should be the one apologizing, yours are way worse,” they say with a soft but teasing smile as you finally take your face out of your hands to look at yourself in the mirror.
you take in the matching marks left by Bella all over your neck, and when you pull the neck of your hoodie down slightly, you see more marks littered all over your collarbone. you bring your other hand up to gently trace over them.
“gorgeous, gorgeous girl,” they whisper as they walk behind you, wrapping their arms around your waist and pressing feather-like kisses on the bruises that were starting to form.
“but you have interviews all day, and now you’re gonna have to be in makeup forever,” you say, turning around to face Bella, their arms still holding you close to them.
“it’s okay,” they say with a laugh, and when you look up at them, they mumble under their breath, “i kind of like them anyway.”
a shit-eating grin makes its way on your face as you laugh softly. “well if anyone gives you shit for them, it's not my fault.”
“what do you mean! of course it is!”
“i dunno,” you shrug, “it's just not.”
“well, you’re clearly not fully awake yet,” Bella says, giving you a small kiss, “i left you breakfast, but i have to go right now, or i’ll be yelled at even more.”
“no, don't leave me yet!” you whine as you hold Bella tighter, and they press another kiss on your temple.
“i know, i don’t wanna, but i have to,” they say, and you finally let them go.
“i love you,” they call out as they grab their stuff and start walking out.
“i love you more,” you respond.
“not possible,” they say as they close the door behind them, leaving a smile on your face.
⭒⭒⭒
when Bella arrives at the interview site, they are immediately rushed into hair and makeup as they scold them for the visible marks on their neck.
“Bella, what the fuck!” their makeup artist, Tori, complains as she starts grabbing concealer and foundation in an attempt to cover them up.
“i’m sorry, i’m sorry! blame my girlfriend!” Bella whines.
“you’re just lucky that you’re already dressed,” Tori mutters under her breath, and as she starts to apply the first of many layers of makeup, the door to the room opens up.
“Bellie!” Pedro yells when he walks in, acting as if they hadn’t seen each other in years.
“hey Ped-” Bella starts to say but gets cut off by a gasp coming out of his mouth.
“shit Bella, your neck,” he says in shock as Bella hides their face in their hands, causing Tori to roll her eyes.
“i know, i know, blame her, not me,” Bella says, referring to you, as Tori moves their head to the side.
“oh, i highly doubt that,” he says, laughing harder by the second as Bella’s face starts to get red.
“what's that supposed to mean?”
“that knowing both of you, the poor girl is probably ten times worse.”
“Pedro!”
“am i wrong?”
“well-”
“am i?”
“...no.”
“see!”
“whatever,” Bella groans as they roll their eyes and throw their head back.
“let’s just hope that makeup covers all of that up, 'cause little Bellie went to town last night,” he says, laughing again as Tori nods in agreement.
Bella turns to flip Pedro off, but Tori quickly slaps their hand away and tugs their head back to the side, making Pedro let out another laugh, which causes Bella to cross their arms.
⭒⭒⭒
it takes some time to get them both ready, but once they are, Bella turns to Pedro.
“just... don’t tell Craig,” they say, holding out their pinky to Pedro, and he links them together, nodding, as they walk out to meet Craig and Neil.
“hey, Craig!” Pedro yells as they get closer, “guess what Bell-”
“PEDRO! NO!” Bella yells in distress, and Pedro just crackles and leans in toward them.
“man child,” Bella mutters under their breath as they roll their eyes, fondly.
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swxxtsxcchxrine · 1 year
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i have more. i also see him as a mean service dom yk. like his sole pleasure comes from your pleasure, but you’ve got to earn it yk. you can’t be acting like no bitch, acting out on the streets and expect him to give you whatever. like yea yea, he spoils you but not too much. he doesn’t need his baby girl turning into a nasty brat. he’d most definitely stuff his cock down your throat while your on your knees and a vibrator is stuffed between your legs at the lowest setting. he’s already defiled your tits by cumming all over them but he’s not done. he needs to stretch your throat out. teach you a good lesson for talking all that shit. it’s not your fault you always have a lot to say. like, how can he possibly blame you. you just have a big mouth. and a big ego. you’ve yet to apologise for your deploring attitude and he’s gonna make sure you learn your lesson. he doesn’t care how long it takes, he can sit here and edge you all night if he needs to. hell, he’ll leave you a whole week without his addictive dick, he couldn’t give a flying fuck. and if you think you’re stubborn, he’s ten times worse trust and believe. he’s squishing your cheeks against his cock as your silently pleading he’ll give in and let you ruin the floors with your cum but he is soo not gonna give in. he’s gonna use you like your nothing. he loves you dearly but he’ll fuck you like he hates you. 
im soo hungry for his cock rn.😕 and im listening to ayesha erotica which isn’t helping so☠☠☠☠
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toastsnaffler · 1 year
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tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(
#I dont even know why im so fucking sad. this last week has felt like getting hit by a train repeatedly for no reason whatsoever#and it fucking hurts so bad and i cant fix it because i dont know whats wrong!!!!!!#i think thsts why its been so hard sleeping lately like my brain is problem solving but theres nothing there to be solved#and i dont even have anyone to talk to about it and even if i did i wouldnt have anything to say bc i dont know im just fucking. sad#like yeah ive gotten upset abt other things but thats me projecting my mental state onto everything. theres no original cause#unless it really is just pms and some hormonal shit which is likely but kinda insane to think abt. like yeah my body has decided#to flood the entire fucking system with Kill That Egg™ for a straight week except its too effective and makes me want to kill myself also#but apparently not fucking effective enough to start my actual fucking period. yippee#i want a thousand year long hug and to cry rly snottily into someones shirt and then to fall asleep and wake up feeling rested#man. nothing makes me feel any different. exercising and sleeping and socialising and eating and showering and reading#and i can feel my interest in things trickling away like i havent been able to do a lot of shit i rly want to bc of this barrier#and ive been trying to make myself do some things regardless bc inactivity will just make it worse. but nothing works!!!!!!!#i dont even know anymore man. i do everything right and im still as depressed as i was like 8 years ago#and i know thats just the depressed brain talking like i know i dont constantly feel like this but its hard to see outside of it man#u spend ur whole life drowning but its ok bc sometimes u get ur head above the surface long enough to take a breath or whatever#insert overused mentally ill metaphor here etcetcetc#ok i think ive run out of things to say im gonna try sleep again. day 1 billion of making longass vent posts sorry everyone#gn#.vent
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Can you do yandere canada and russia after they stop their darling from escape with a bit of violence like broken bone? Like how they treat y/n after that
Yandere Canada and Russia after breaking his darling's leg. (to stop them escaping)
would it be bad to say im excited to write this? idk. i got to thinking and decided i'll go with a broken leg if ya don't mind, sorry. also, sorry again for taking so long. and also like, sorry if this sucks ass??.. i didnt pass writing class if you can tell. but uhh.. ya, this is probably really bad so im sorry. :( another note: I JUST FUCKING REALIZED THAT THIS WAS PROBABLY A REQUEST FOR AFTERWARDS OH MY GOD IM STUPID I WAS GONNA WRITE THE WHOLE PROCESS AND SHIT😭 I NEVER READ SHIT ALL THE WAY ISTG
tw: violence, broken bones, abuse, force feeding, similar stuff
!! yandere content. if you can't handle any behavior possibly seen in a yandere please don't read this. !! (example; obsessive, stalkery, possessive, violent, or generally horrid behaviour.)
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Canada
Canada honestly hated having to do this, but he really felt like he had to. That and he was just really pissed. Like a lot. Like screaming, hitting, and punching type pissed. But, again, doesn't like seeing you hurt.
After he absolutely destroyed your lower calf and beat you for a while he spent a minute staring at you, a bit in a daze, until eventually suddenly snapping out it and quickly bringing you home to properly care for the damage he has afflicted upon you.
He was way gentle afterwards, bandaging and disinfecting the wounds with much care and as thuroughly as possible. Though, it was clear he wasn't just going to let this off the hook with the way he decided to directly tie you to a hook on the wall, with very little wiggle room and no way to move more than maybe a foot.
Your progress in all the freedom you acquired was not only reset, but even worse than where you first got here. It's uncomfortable, even with the pilow he provided you. You're no longer allowed to have your hands free in general, and he has to feed you instead of letting you do it yourself. When you need to use the restroom you have two minutes in there until he starts asking what you're doing in there.
It wasn't really all that painful though outside of the ache of the previous abuse he made you endure. That and the occasional ache from the limitted positions you have at your disposal, don't worry though. Every three days he'll switch your spot so you'll at the very least have a different view to look at. In general, he isn't the worst to have, but definitely not the quickest to forget. You'll be stuck doing this for another month or two before he even considers giving you the slightest of freedoms.
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Russia
Ivan is not nearly as lenient as Canada. Hell, after he beats the life out of you, probably breaking more than just your leg, he decides to lock you up in the basement—the cold, empty basement. He drags you to the stairs, shoves you down, and locks the door before ditching you for the next day or so.
Eventually, though, he returns, purely to ensure you don't die. You've been bad, but he'd never want you dead. It would be a lonely world without you by his side. His hands roughly push you around as he wraps you up in bandages and drenches your wounds, rubbing the stuff off with a washcloth afterward. He forces you to be tied up in a position where the majority of your bones will heal correctly, besides the leg. If the leg is messed up, that'll make any future attempts all the harder for you, which is what he wants.
Once he's done with that, it'll be another two days. No food, no water, no warmth, no him. Just sitting in the basement without pain medicine, starving, perhaps freezing, as he does nothing to help you with frostbite or hypothermia. Though, as expected, he returns yet again, and this time with food. The force-feeding will be rough, and you'll likely choke a couple of times, but honestly, it's better than you having been starving earlier.
This will be your life for two or so weeks, rotting in the basement, with your only human interaction being when you need to eat or maybe even for the restroom. The good news, though, is that Russia isn't a very patient man. Even if he's frustrated, he misses you a lot. So you'll be freed rather quickly compared to Canada, funny enough. Or at least, freed from the basement, that is.
Don't take this as him forgetting, though. Oh no, he remembers. You're only this lucky because he loves you, okay? You'll never know any of the freedoms you might've had in the past, and you're pretty much stuck with being tied or trapped for the rest of your miserable life. The only thing that'll really change is just the quality of how he'll treat you, the comfort in which you'll be provided, and your setting. So have fun, dear reader, and good luck. You'll need it.
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nataliesscatorccio · 1 year
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this line in the description for Yellowjackets really gets to me. "25 years later, they discover that what began in the wild is far from over." time and time again im just struck by how effective this show is at saying exactly what it feels like to go through life as a woman. you still have this girl inside you who is wild and childish and scared. she doesn't know how to move her body she doesn't know how to ask for what she wants she's a freak she's an idol she's a mess she's a messiah she's a witch and a wicked little beast she's the best friend a girl could have. but it's time to be an Adult Woman now! congratulations, you're out of the woods! we know that was confusing and traumatic for you but rest assured thats all done. maybe you'll have a husband and a teenager of your own maybe you'll be a politician maybe you're going to run a mlm. it doesnt matter, just make sure you're unrecognizable from the wild animal you were. you're supposed to be unrecognizable. you're supposed to have it together, you're supposed to be boring. strawberry lube is for bisexuals and goths. and teenagers. Please be more boring. this Whole Thing this whole charade of adulthood doesn't work if you don't keep it together. grow up! so you do. for a while it sticks. your family is doing fine, your career is doing fine, your meds are working fine, maybe you've been to a few rehabs but this last one was going fine. and 25 years later you look around at the not-real life you're supposed to want to be a part of, the one you put together exactly as per the instructions, and you realize... it doesnt end. you aren't out of the woods you're just stranded in a different part of them. you probably have another 25 years to go, minimum. "I think shit is gonna get a lot worse out here." your life is far from over but you can't keep living it like this. numbing yourself with substances to make it tolerable, or going full speed ahead toward something you don't even really want just to prove you're Doing It you're Assimilating, or feeling insane for still being haunted by 'ancient' history that really didn't happen that long ago, or cooking a fucking meatloaf for the husband that doesn't get you and the daughter that doesn't want to. if you're going to survive the monotony of adulthood the way you survived the chaos of adolescence, you're going to have to get wild again. you're going to have to go back. because the wilderness can be terrifying with its harsh elements its cruel indifference its lurking predators and blah blah blah but do you want to know what's even scarier? that endless stretch in all directions of sameness. stump, tree, stream, moss. stump, tree, stream, moss. have we passed this way already, have we taken this route before? tree tree tree tree tree for miles and miles and miles. that is the wild, too. unending. repetitive. barren. where it ends, so do you. it lasts your whole life, and it's far from over. you've got to find a way to survive it. again.
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subarashiihibi · 5 months
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL ANGEL WIFE IZAYA ORIHARA!!!!!!! 🥰😘👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨😭😎🔥🫶🩷
i can't quite put into words what exactly izaya has meant to me over the past 8 years. one, it sounds really corny and i go off into at least 30 different tangents about all the little things that make him so endearing to me, but also i just dont really know how to sound eloquent and stuff. that being said, a lot of the person i am today is (for better or for worse) thanks to izaya, so i think if i leave it at that you can at least get it a little bit. ^_^
i was really excited to set this year's display up. i changed the room i used this time, since i got a new desk, and it was...kind of a challenge at first, but after moving around a bunch of furniture and whatnot, i made it work...!
i had to forego putting up a few other things... namely the rest of my bromides and postcards, but also all my shikishi. i need to invest in some way to display them... i also had two(!!) dakimakura... i had to leave out this year. </3 and the cardboard cutout i made when i was 16. 😭
as usual, i have a lot of stuff to say about this entire thing and the stuff around it, so i... will leave my rambling under the cut. (^□^)
my god putting this thing together was hell. i said 'challenge' earlier no this shit was like a fucking war omfg. the clear files kept falling i was miserable and praying to god (im not even religious). and then i had to tape behind the big izaya balloon poster cause it's covering my doorway and it kept getting pulled back to the door...? and it looked stupid. 🤦‍♂️ i wasn't originally gonna put the tables in here either. i really wanted to be able to fit the bed sheets on the walls. but i couldn't... and i needed more room to put the pillows and stuff, so it ended up working out perfectly.
(the only reason i didn't want to use tables was cause i didn't want something covering up izaya's sexy exposed feet in the china poster... 😟)
i was (finally) gonna get a cake this year, but after having the stress of two exams back to back this week and exams next week, i...was too exhausted lol. hopefully next year i won't have an awful overnight job or school making me miserable. (as if i'm not still gonna be a student next year☠)
the amount of durarara merch that's come out the past few years has left me feeling so spoiled... i hope they do a mail order for the 20th anni merch... i want all the izaya stuff without the crazy markups from resellers online🤬
also plz don't judge my toploader deco skills too much... i am not very experienced... and i also don't have a lot of stickers to work with... 🥺
at any rate... at this exact time last year, i was suffering inside the confines of my local walmart... i was working overnight, and my break was at 12am, so as soon as it hit, i ran out to my car to excitedly celebrate the date changing to may 4th...!
and then during my lunch break, i drove to the whataburger next door and did another 10-pull on the izaya birthday kuji while in the drivethru.
i didn't realize this until i started taking stuff down in my room (this is my bedroom... i can't realistically keep two large tables in here and a poster covering my doorway. i had to crawl under the table just to get in and out. my knees still hurt.), but... i actually forgot something i wanted to include... my izaya lightstick... 💔💔💔 it's okay. i will live. i'm happy with my setup as a whole so i have no qualms with this. i just need to make sure i don't make the same mistake next year.
on a (slightly) unrelated note, yesterday (may 3) was the 19th birthday of my favorite album ever from my favorite band ever, fall out boy's from under the cork tree! i was so happy when i found out it's right before izaya's birthday cause fall out boy as a whole has so many izaya coded lyrics it's crazy. (btw, their debut album tttyg came out on the 6th as well...!)
and then tomorrow is cinco de mayo... it's not a coincidence... latina izaya truthers rise up...
anyways...! i'm finally learning how to draw properly. the reason i was always so miserable when i tried before was cause i never knew what i was doing. i didn't know where to start from. because...i didn't use references...so hopefully i can draw something cute for izaya's birthday next year. ^_^
that's all i have to say...! i woke up early this (yesterday) morning at 9am so i could be there at 10am when midnight hit in japan, and it's already 3am on the 4th, so i'm exhausted lol...
i was so excited seeing all the izaya bday fanart on twitter though. all the beautiful artists making beautiful art...
but i've spoken too much now. sorry. i'm going to spend the rest of my night listening to fall out boy before i eventually pass out. bye bye !!!! ^_^
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shayasay · 24 days
Note
2024 tbhk x reader writers gang UP !!!! I'd like to request for Teru, Akane, and Lemon x reader who's very...open? Like they have a out of pocket humour, says the most inappropriate jokes in the wrong time (the sc president/teacher almost caught them 😔) and isn't afraid to be chaotic. Being with them somehow never becomes boring because theres always some shit going on (like almost falling off a building or getting involved with the cops) BOY are they special. Just Akane is fine if you dont feel like writing for 3 people but either way thank you v much🙏
(Extra scenes:
Akane: how to get red dye?
Reader: idk period blood
Akane: *jaw drops to the floor*
--------
Reader: *telling the wildest inappropriate gossip ever*
Teru who heard and is standing right behind them:
-------
Lemon and reader: *had a 1 hour deep talk with lemon sitting on a bench*
Reader, about to leave: oh and btw, that bench was newly painted *walks away*
HIII YES OF COURSEEEEE I HOPE THIS IS OKAY I really tried my best on it! And I wrote this at 2 am I hope this satisfies 😭🩷
————————————————————————
With a reader who makes out of pocket jokes
Featuring: Akane, Lemon and Teru!
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Akane
- Blushes when you say something inappropriate towards him no questions asked
- This one time he was teaching how to make origami and you said something inappropriate
- He paused for a good minute and scared at you, gawking with wide eyes and blushing
- “Okay so you’re gonna wanna fold this part here” “Shit I wish I was that piece of paper so you could fold me” “…I’m sorry?”
- There be times where you would just ask him questions, questions such as for example what part of the day was his favourite
- “Akane question?” “Shoot” “what time of day is your favourite?” “night time!” “Great so me, you, tonight, in my bed.” “…”
- he blushed and tried to say something but literally failed, he stuttered so much he just honestly gave up.
- Like sometimes you whisper things in his ear n he’d just stare and gawk at you in disbelief
- You toyed with him once while he was speaking to Teru and he tried so hard to not blush or make it look like he was flustered
- News flash, he failed.
- Teru was laughing at his ass afterwards
- or times where you were whispering the most jaw dropping shit into his ear and Teru heard it all and saw he’s reaction as well
- Teru never let him live it DOWN
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Teru
- Will stare at you in disbelief and will quite literally say “I beg your pardon?”
- He once was painting something for the school with a bucket of white paint and to make things worse it fell on him
- He called you and asked you for help
- and what did you say? “Teru is that cu-“ “Get out.” “WAIT IM SORRY”
- There’s been so many times where you whispered the most jaw dropping shit into his ear and his giving you the biggest “I’m sorry?” ass look
- You actually told him some good ass drama and he listened to the whole thing while even gawked here n there because of the OUTRAGEOUS things he’s been hearing
- He’s lowkey willing to give Akane his work load just to here the things you tell him
- “Psst… Teru.” “Hm?” “Are you a trampoline? Because I’d really like to bounce on you.”
- *Queue you sprinting out the room as he’s at his desk so lost at weither he should be shocked or appreciate what you said and take it like a compliment
- “I…. what?…” “Y/n-“ “…..”
- Akane having heard that just giving you and him the most judgemental look ever
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Lemon
- You tell him the most jaw dropping drama n he handles it like nothing
- You jokes just make him pause for a good second and then resume back to what he was doing
- you once whispered into his ear “you tryna bounce that ass for me?”
- he just stopped scrolling on TikTok and did a slow turn to look at you with the most judgmental look
- “No… I’m not…”
- You two literally hear drama and gossip with each other and if you guys hear the drama together, you two are looking at each other n gawking bc what did I just hear?
- He’s on his phone a lot so when you say something out of pocket he just pauses what he was doing n stares at you for like a few seconds or a minute
- Sometimes he even says out of pocket things to you as well n sometimes you do blush, same with him
- you two literally gossip to each other the most craziest things ever
- if you try to embarrass him n whispering UNHINGED shit in his ear, he’ll do the same to you but worse
- I can confirm you one had a battle about it
- of course he won because the shit he says is way worse then the shit you say
- “Hey babe where did the red die go?” “Idk check your pad.”
- You were so dumbfounded that you paused n blinked at him
- “shit… he beat me too it”
———————————
- All n all awesome bfs 👍
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DONT FORGET THE CHARACTERS ARE AGED UP TO 18+ NO WORRIES 🩷
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faiirybread · 5 months
Text
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the bottom ; liam lawson #40
childhood friends are hard to break off. but when she’s dragging his name through the mud he might have to put his foot down.
inspired by the bottom by gracie abrams
tw!! major alcoholism, you’re an asshole for a good 2/3rds of this
part of the shriveled roses series
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yourusername just posted!
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night out with the girls got a lil too crazy
liked by liamlawson30, landonorris, and others
user01: oh so they were DRINKING drinking
user02: they’re actually so iconic for that
user03: nothin iconic about alcoholism babes
liamlawson30: i see that promo
yourusername: u know it 🤭🤭
user04: shes just a party girl in a boring world!
yourusername: u know me so well love
user05: it’s so weird how she has alcohol in every post.. just promoting alcoholism at this point
yourusername: girl gtfo, just because i like to drink doesn’t mean im an alcoholic. you know jackshit about me, stop acting like you do, you crusty bitch
user05: i say something about worrying about you and your automatic response is to call me a bitch? reall mature
yourusername: i dont need you to worry about me. im an adult, i can do whatever the hell i want.
user05: well when your posting your life on social media your gonna get judged
yourusername: it’s a post about me going out and partying. i'm an adult who likes to drink. there’s gonna be fucking alcohol you dumb twat.
user06: damn her whole attitude is just bad huh
user07: gonna talk about making out with lando soon?
f1gossip just posted!
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BREAKING: LANDO NORRIS AND YN YLN SEEN MAKING OUT AND LEAVING PARTY IN MONACO TOGETHER
user01: liam seeing this like 😧😧
user02: who is she?
user03: liam lawson (redbull reserve driver)‘s childhood best friend. she’s known for partying a lot but lately it s gotten a lot worse 😬
user04: wasn’t she running her mouth about lando a few weeks ago??
user05: wait what spill
user04: a fan came up to her a few weeks ago and asked what she thought of some of the other drivers like lando, and she said he was a shit driver and should retire so liam gets a seat
user05: whattt that's so messed up. Who does she think she is??
You woke up with a headache, wrapped in sheets to your phone going off with a call. With a groan you grabbed your phone and answered it without looking at who it was. “What do you want?” you slurred, and was answered with Liam yelling at you.
“What the fuck is this?? You made out with Lando after saying some shit about him to a fan??”
You groaned, rolling over in bed to find your latest hookup gone. “Liam, it doesn’t matter. I’m fine, ok?”
“That’s not the point! You can’t just say whatever the fuck you want to people who are recording you, and you especially can’t bring me into it!” he ranted, and you could hear him pacing in his house. “Honestly, saying Lando should retire so I get a seat? Are you crazy??”
You sat up, rubbing your head. Hangovers were the worst thing in the world. “God, Liam, just loosen up! It’ll all blow over, ok? Don’t worry. I’ll lay low for a while, stop posting and shit, and they’ll forget about me.”
He answered immediately at that, quick to shoot it down. “No, no! You can’t just sweep it under the rug! This isn’t the first time you’ve done this, and it’s fucking with my career. Helmut’s talked to me about you, and about how you’re screwing up my chances for the Redbull seat.”
“Helmut’s a prick.”
“Maybe, but he’s right!”
“What the hell?!” You couldn’t believe what he was saying! Of all the times to call, the morning after you get shitfaced? You hadn’t even done anything bad. Yeah, you drank a lot. Who cares? You’re an adult, doing adult things.
“It’s the truth! You always get wasted, say some shit to media, and make me look like a fucking jerk! I'm tired of it, ok? It’s like you’re on a mission to fuck up my life! But I can never get mad at you because I’ve known you for forever and my whole family knows you and your whole family knows me and they’d crucify me if I ever made you sad or shit. Because you’re a spoiled brat!”
You sat there shocked at the outburst, opening your mouth to respond but he wasn’t done. A spoiled brat? Since when?!
“Ever since we were kids you’ve had someone like your brother, or your dad, or me to fix everything that you’ve broken. And it’s tiring! I’m not your nanny!”
You stood up at this, frustration turned up to the max. “I’m not asking you to be! I’ve never asked you to do that for me!”
“It’s not about you asking, it’s about you fucking my shit up and leaving it. It's like when you broke that vase at my parents house and didn’t say anything! I had to clean it up. I always have to clean it up. On Thursday I'll probably be asked about your behavior and have to make some answer to clear your name and make me look like I'm not a total prick.”
He stopped, and you could hear him breathing heavily. Shocked, you just gaped at the phone before saying calmly, “You could’ve told me this. Anytime before this you could’ve told me to shut up, to calm down, to do anything.”
“Oh, my, god. Are you fucking stupid?! Did you listen to anything I said?! I shouldn’t have to tell you not to talk to media! I shouldn’t have to tell you not to make out with my competitors! You’re an adult, so fucking act like one! Think a little!”
With that, he disconnected the call, leaving you bewildered, in an empty bed with an aching headache.
yourusername just posted!
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mornin after
Liked by landonorris4, user6, and others
user01: girl.. we need a response
user02: no liam like 😮
user03: he probs got tired of her running his name
user04: soo what were you saying about lando being shit??
user05: i am SO here for the yn slander yall dont know how long ive been waiting for this
It was a few hours after the call, when you had taken a shower, had a meal, and worked off your hangover when you decided to call Liam. I mean, if he could yell at you like that then you can too, right? Honestly, him bringing up stuff from your childhood was so uncalled for. That was in the past, so leave it there!
You sat down at your kitchen table with your phone, took a deep breath, and pressed the call button on his contact. It rang once, twice, a third time, then went to his voicemail.
An automated message began playing, and you pressed the button to hang up. What a jerk! You tried to call him again, and again, and again, but each time it went to his voicemail. You got dressed and went outside, deciding to take a walk around town outside.
It had been a few hours before you had decided to call him again, this time with a notepad of all the points you were going to make to prove him wrong. Tapping a pen against the pad, you pressed the call button on your phone, then the speaker button. It rang once, twice, a third time, then went to voicemail. You hung up and tried again. Again, and again, and again until you got a different answer. Your head laying down on your arm, you reached out and tapped the call button again, and it rang once, then went to voicemail.
You sat up. One ring? Did he seriously block you? You tried it again, hoping it was just an error. One ring, then voicemail, over and over and over. What an ass!
yourusername just posted
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don’t need your bs
liked by user1, user2, and others
user1 ‘don’t need your bs’ and it’s friends being concerned about her
user2 oh.. another party
user3 is it just me that’s genuinely concerned?
user4 nono me too, liam and lando both stopped liking and she seems like she’s just drinking away
user5 and the answers from liam during the press conference,, like somethings wrong..
liammm🏎️
hey, are you alright?
this isn’t me forgiving you for anything im just worried about you
party animal 🎉
fuskkc off
liammm🏎️
are you at a party rn?
party animal 🎉
no
art s parlk
jus me amd a borttle
liammm🏎️
love cmon
you can’t keep doing this
party animal 🎉
i kmow
but idk
yiu should get bscl to work
liammm🏎️
send your location please
party animal🎉
no
you werr rifht
i’ve been using you
im sirry liam
liammm🏎️
love please just send me your location
i want to make sure you get home safe
we can talk more in the morning
party animal 🎉
im sorry liam
*location*
You were sitting on a bench, a bottle of korean soju next to you. It was halfway drained, but when Liam texted you it reminded you of everything that had happened and you couldn’t bear to drink more. Staring out at the playground, bright colors muted in the dark light of the moon, just thinking. About your life, your choices, your family. About Liam. It really wasn’t his fault, everything that happened. He had been right. You did use him as a nanny, badmouthing coworkers and dragging his name through the mud. Even now, he was picking you up in the dead of night because you chose to go out and get drunk by yourself. It wasn’t like there was anyone who wanted to drink with you anymore.
You turned around when you heard your name called, to see Liam jogging over to you. “Are you alright?”
You nodded glumly, looking up at him with tears in your eyes. How could you do this to him? He looked tired, and disappointed. You’d seen that look in your other friends, but in Liam it hurt so much more.
“C’mon, let’s get you home,” he said, reaching for your arms and gently pulling you up. “I’m sorry Liam,” you said, looking at him, slightly dazed. Why were you doing this drunk? Why couldn’t you do this sober? A pit of guilt grew and grew in your stomach as he ignored what you said, grabbing the bottle and beginning to walk you to the car. Of course he ignored it. This wasn’t the first time you said this. But this was the first time you meant it. Or had drunk you said that before? You stopped.
“Liam, I’m serious.”
He sighed and looked back at you. “I know.” Somehow that made it 10 times worse, and with a wobbly lip, you asked, “Have I said that before?” He nodded, then started walking with you again. “Let’s talk more in the morning.” It struck a cord, how quickly he shut it down. All of this had happened before. How did you not remember? How much of your life had you given to alcohol?
Liam helped you into the passenger seat, and started to help you buckle up, but you stopped him. You wanted to prove that tonight was different. “I got it,” you said quietly. He nodded and walked around to the driver’s side, driving you back to your apartment. The whole time, you were racking your brain for other times like this, just a little bit that you could remember. It hurt your head, and when you came up empty the pit in your stomach deepened.
“How many times have I done this?” you asked quietly as he pulled into the parking garage. He took a second to answer, and said, “I lost count.”
Fuck.
He parked and you got out on your own, stumbling a bit but refusing his help to the elevator and up to your apartment. Was this new? Was he impressed, did he see a change? Or were you thinking like this every night he came to pick you up? You unlocked the door and let the two of you in to the front room that had bottles and trash scattered everywhere, but Liam stopped in the doorway. You turned to look at him.
“I’ll come back in the morning with some food, we can talk then. Are you alright?”
You nodded, and he nodded, then he closed the door behind him as he left. You began cleaning yourself up, washing your face and taking a shower, then cleaning your apartment. It felt like you had been floating in the apartment, not really paying attention to it. You cleaned through the night, not wanting Liam to see the apartment like this when he came back. You had brewed yourself a strong coffee by the time he knocked on your door, and you took your time answering, scanning the whole apartment to make sure it was clean. It was, so you opened the door.
Liam was standing there with takeout from a nearby bakery. He already looked tired. Did he get any sleep last night? Could he see that you didn’t? You have a small smile and stepped aside to let him in. As he scanned the apartment, you took the food and began plating it. Leading him to the kitchen island to eat, he started talking.
“Do you remember last night?”
“Yes.” He didn’t seem convinced.
“I was at the park drinking. You came and picked me up, I asked you how many times you had to do that, you couldn’t remember and wanted to talk about things today. You dropped me off here and said you’d be back in the morning with breakfast so we could talk. Now it’s morning.”
Surprise flashed behind his eyes for a second, but just as quick he steeled himself.
“Did I remember it before?” you asked, looking down at your plate.
“No.”
Just one word told you everything. You had gone too far too many times. “You don’t have to do this Liam. I don’t want to drag you back to me like this.”
He didn’t speak, just ate his breakfast. It was sausage and eggs, with a side of fruit. Yours was a chocolate croissant with some strawberries. You couldn’t eat it.
“Do you want any of mine?” he asked, not looking at you. It was as if he was reading off a script. You shook your head. He sighed, put down his fork, and leaned back.
“You seem more aware this time. Did you not drink as much?” You shrugged. This whole thing felt awkward, like he was your dad after a bad night out when you broke curfew. Except that’s exactly what this was, except he was your friend.
“You were right when you called me. I’ve been using you.” “Was that why you were drinking?”
You shrugged again. You both knew it was a yes, but you couldn’t bring yourself to say it.
“You want to get better? Throw out your alcohol. Go to every bar and club around here and tell them to deny you entry no matter what. Stop going for drinks with your coworkers. I’d even consider rehab. You’re addicted, ok? I want you to get better.”
He was looking at you now, but you couldn’t meet his eyes. You just kept staring at the croissant. He sighed, and reached for your plate to switch your meals, but you stopped him.
“Can you come with me?” your voice was stupidly shaky, and you cursed yourself for it. “I’ll do all the talking, I just want to make sure I get all of them” He nodded. “Eat first. Did you sleep at all last night?”
You hated how you felt like a little kid, shaking your head before picking up the croissant and taking a bite. “Once we finish that, can we talk more about this? I just feel like I woke up to everything I’ve done, you know?”
“Sure.” it was a short, curt response that you knew you’d just have to accept.
A few minutes later, you finished the croissant and coffee and went to your room to change. You put on a simple outfit that would still make you look out together, but didn’t bother with makeup. Hopefully this would be over fast.
You and Liam set out around town, first going to your favorite club, The Eclipse. As you walked up, you felt your hands getting sweaty, and clenched and unclenched them until you felt Liam slip his hand in yours and give it a gentle squeeze. “You got this. It’s the first step that’s always the hardest.” You nodded, and walked up to the bouncer. After explaining to him your situation and how you were trying to quit drinking, he agreed to turn you away and call a cab for you if you turned up at the club. After thanking him profusely, you and Liam went on to the next club. And the next. And the next. It was not a short experience as you had hoped, it was long and embarrassing and tiring. Eventually you reached the last bar and confirmed with the owner that you wanted to be on the no-serve list, then turned to Liam.
He was smiling at you. It was a soft smile, but still there. You could see the pride in his eyes as he held out a hand to you, and you gladly took it, a small smile on your face too. “You did good. I’m proud of you.” He said, walking back to your apartment. “Thank you. I’m sorry it took me so long, and I'm sorry I didn’t listen to you before. I just feel so stupid for letting myself get to this point. And I feel so bad for hurting you and your career.”
“This is where you show it. Ok?” He said, shaking your intertwined hands and looking at you. “This is you showing me that you’re serious about everything you’re saying. Now you just need to stick with it and prove that you’re serious.”
You nodded, meeting his eyes with a watery smile. “I won’t hook up with Lando Norris again.”
He rolled his eyes, letting go of your hand jokingly. “Too soon, man. Too soon. Ugh. I got so many calls from Christian that day.”
“I’m sorry, truly. And I was such an ass when I answered you. And when I was like, trying to call you back. God, I just fucked up for the past 6 months. And I can’t even remember it at all! I just lost so much of my life.”
“But you’re pulling yourself out. And that means a lot to me. I’ve tried to get you to do this before, you know? You always dragged your feet and stuff.”
“Really?” You asked, looking at him with wide eyes. “See, this is what I’m talking about! I have zero recollection of that!”
He chuckled, and swung your arms as you walked. “This is a new chapter for you. I believe in you.”
FIN.
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authors note.. bam! done! thank god, im so sorry this took so long.. i do have another still in the works that hopefully wont take as long but yeahh this series is gonna take forever.
79 notes · View notes
crushedsweets · 2 months
Note
Awhile back you answered an ask on how other creeps would respond to Toby's death, and I was wondering how they would respond to Kate death?
IM PUNCHING THE WALL. ALRIGHT. warning for death and grief and mourning . . .
im gonna set this after she starts staying at the proxy cabin and becoming friends with more people, rather than rotting in the mines. im also imagining they find her body in the forest, nobody was there when she died.
tim and brian would have a heavy heart about it. sure, they had massive issues with her, but even by time shes 25+, they still kinda see her as a little kid. she was 14/15 when they met her, and she acted like a feral animal till she was like 17. brian got her a job on the farm, tim helped set up a room for her. they'd help toby set up a grave, but overall they dont go out of their way to mourn her - toby has that handled
which.....guides me towards toby... they've known eachother since they were 17-19, and they are like siblings. when she was in the mines, toby would always bring her food and even dragged a whole mattress there. thats his little sister (she is older than him..) and he had always been so so so protective of her. he loses his shit, screaming and throwing shit. is never home, spends so much time at the mines. chops down random ass trees just cuz he needs to exhaust himself enough to stop feeling so much pain. it feels like losing lyra again. he sets a grave up for her, puts her body in it, carves some stuff into a wooden cross he made from a tree he cut down, lays hella rocks all over. him and nina spend a good chunk of time together. nina has never seen him cry until this. eventually, after he's gone for days, he comes back to the cabin and just rots in his bed almost catatonic. clocky has to come collect him
whiiiiiiich now brings me to clocky. she'd find out from nina, since she'd already be in her own apartment by now and tobys not gonna tell her. she'd immediately get nina, get jack, go to the cabin, and try to console toby and nina the best she(and jack) can. has to learn to bite her tongue when tobys mouthing off cuz hes mad she's trying to help. she doesnt really have time to mourn kate at first, until maybe a week goes by and tobys finally eating again and clockys just sitting there and starts bawling cuz kate was her friend too and she had to immediately go into caretaker mode.
nina. screams and cries and needs to have people with her all the time, no matter what. she doesnt feel safe alone cuz she just wants to curl up and die so so so bad. she makes toby take her to the grave(he doesnt want to but he knows kate would be pissed if he wasnt at least a little nice to nina after this) and she just sobs. she holds toby and tries to be like 'its okay its okay its okay' but neither know who shes comforting. she'd print as many pictures she got of kate as possible (not a lot) and try to scrap book it and try to memorialize her like that. just hold photos and pictures and have them in her apartment and cry. give a photo to toby with a letter written on the back telling him how much kate loved him.
similar to if toby died, jack would try to host stuff. make dinner for them all, invite them over, give everyone space to eat and remember her. he'd go with toby to the grave as well, but he's less assertive with his care compared to clocky. less 'get the fuck up, this is making you feel worse' and more 'you know you can come over right? its not good to stay home alone'. toby would come to see him a lot, too. . .
toby would have to take on a lot of her patrols, so he'd bump into ann and lulu a lot. . . ann would tease him a bit like 'ooo is katey in trouble? whyre you here, handsome?', till he smacks the shit out of her w the handle of his hatchet and he grumbles something about her death. ann would shut up after. she'd be bummed out that kates dead cuz she liked her, but not mourn. lulu wouldn't be able to process it. ann would tell her, lulu would cry, then a day later she's asking when kate's coming to visit.
i dont think anyone else would really be impacted, though... jeff/dina didnt like her, she wasnt close with ben, never even spoke to jane or liu... lazari would cry and draw pictures of her, but she'd be okay shortly after, esp cuz jacks okay.
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