#or i'm sorry

[jaronofthebored]

I didn't like the name Eustace Winner at first, but consider:

everyone pronounces it "weiner" and he tries to insist that it is pronounced "winner" to no avail. Kay fully knows but says "weiner" just to mess with him.

[the-real-rain-world-confessions]

AFTER A YEAR OF ENJOYING THIS GAME, I HAD NOT TAKEN THE TIME TO VENTURE OUT INTO THE ONLINE COMMUNITY UNTIL RECENTLY. THIS BLOG IS TRULY A PRIMORDIAL OOZE OF HORRIFIC TAKES, THE MOST JAW-DROPPING COMBINATIONS OF WORDS (HOW, I ASK, WOULD AN ITERATOR WEAR A CONDOM?? ON WHAT??), AND A BEAUTIFUL DISPLAY OF THE EARTHLY DESIRES OF ORGANIC ORGANISMS. PLEASE KEEP BEING WEIRD FOR MY ENTERTAINMENT. - 5P

.

[sinileijona]

so stick him in a dress and he's the only boy i'd shag the only boy i'd anything is andrew in drag

[musical-chan]

Father of Time Chapter 65: Days Go On

A white-haired shadow moved through the trees.

In the darkest part of the forest, a dim campfire burned. Voices whispered barely audible words to each other. There were five of them, a mix of Hylians and Humans, and they spoke with rough voices, muttering of fighting and conquests and theft. Scarred faces gathered darkness while shoving burned bits of roasted meat in their mouths. Harsh laughter echoed in the night. 

The shadow perched in a tree above them, silent as the grave. 

"We's got ta get to the desert otherwise we ain't gettin paid."  A human, speaking around a deep scar on their mouth, leaned over the roasting carcass and prodded it with a frown. The others looked up at the words, then shared glances. 

"I'm not risking going through Hyrule with all them guards around." 

"I tell you, they're no worries at all.  Buncha cowards that never fought a day in their life." 

"The war isn't that far gone, ya idiot. Some of them will know the ropes." 

"Look, we'll be sneaky." 

"Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't we take on the princess' bounty before sneaking into the desert?"

The shadow in the tree shifted silently. 

"Din's Tits, Leez, are you mental?  We ain't going to get close enough to the princess to kill her."

(Read the rest on AO3)

[izzypositive]

I said I had no skills. I wasn't lying. But I sketched the funniest thing I ever said, anyway.

[whatsabriard]

i. There weren’t many downsides to being Mrs Jonathan Hart. In fact, there were almost none. But if Jennifer were pressed, she would have to admit that stuffy business dinners were one. Dry conversation and worse yet, they were seated apart. She couldn’t even commiserate with him.

Of course, watching Jonathan charm was always a pleasure to behold and Jennifer derived a fair amount of satisfaction seeing the envious looks other wives threw her way.

Still, the best part of the evening was returning home.

Shedding shoes with their corporate personas and enjoying their most fulfilling roles as husband and wife. 

ii. Jennifer was a marvel. Jonathan knew she didn’t enjoy it when they attended business dinners. She preferred to eat at his side, not separated from him and forced to endure mindless conversation with people she didn’t know.

And yet she made it look effortless. The effusive praise he received on her behalf when his offer was accepted made him beam with pride. Every man at that table wanted to be him, and it had nothing to do with his business prowess or his money.

Every man at that table wanted to go home with Jennifer, but she was all his.

[hippolotamus]

The 118 fund bobby and athena floating in the ocean on their pink flamingos and cocktails in hand

ahahaha yes! Athena is sipping away at a bottle of wine she pilfered from the buffet while Bobby has some sort of mocktail situation (but also plenty of bottled waters) They have saved and secured everyone else and are now just waiting to be rescued. Bobby not so quietly mourns the loss of his Hawaiian shirt collection. Athena vows to never tell him that she threw them in the ocean herself.

Meanwhile, Buck's all 'This is the moment I was preparing for!' while Eddie fondly looks on at his dumbass (affectionate) husband.

[yaoist]

because of that post I went and listened to undead by hollywood undead nightcore and honestly it fucks so hard, thank you

YOU'RE WELCOME

[etakeh]

[robyn-i-guess]

liking someone platonically is so embarrassing like. yeah i admire you. yeah i think about you all the time. yeah i look forward to every time i see you even if it's only for a minute. yeah it's all platonic and yeah i couldn't explain this because it'd sound romantic. fucking hell

[climbingthefloors]

obsessed with this baby hippo from thailand's khao khew zoo.. she has been so utterly betrayed by the world

[bookwyrminspiration]

sometimes a theme recurs in your work without your permission. and sometimes it reaches a threshold where you're like. well now i think this is saying something about me against my will. don't know what though

[rioblitzle]

working retail

[teaboot]

Sometimes I think a lot about my mom's cat

My mom's cat is a common domestic shorthair we found on the side of the road as a kitten

Regular cat, not a maine coon or one of those massive breeds. His mom was smaller than a loaf of bread

But in a sort of a Clifford The Big Red Dog situation, he grew super fast, and really really big, and took a super long time to stop growing

Worried that she was overfeeding him, she eased back his portions, but he stayed a massive round baby

When he started having kidney problems, she took him to the vet.

The vet took a look at him and said, "holy fuck, what are you feeding him", checked the nutritional listings on his chow, and told her "Yeah, maybe he's reacting badly to the amount of grain in this, try a meatier diet"

So my mom wound up special-ordering this specific high-protein prescription cat food made of like. Kangaroo meat or some shit that cost like sixty bucks a bag

And, as typical act two in an episode of House, he somehow got worse on the fancy specialized stuff that was supposed to be Primo Athlete Olympic Feline Blend

Like. WAY worse. His guts were inflamed and his kidneys were shutting down and he was all sore and HE WAS STILL HUGE, just miserable and sad

So shetook him back to the vet, where they had to help him pee (he was apparently close to bursting and had some kind of blockage too) and went "Yeah no this is NOT normal and we don't know what's going on, we're gonna do some tests but in the meantime you should go back to what he was eating before, at least that wasn't actively killing him" so she did

And he still wasn't great, but he also improved

And so they take his blood and do an ultrasound and a couple g's later she gets a call back like "this is gonna sound crazy, but we want you to put him on a low-meat diet. Just the least amount of protein and iron and shit. We need you to find the grainiest, filler-iest dollar tree kibble available and give him some of that bad bad shit"

And my mother is a woman of science. So she did

And he GOT BETTER

His energy picked back up, inflammation went down, he started drinking normally again, got back to pissing like a fuckin champion

And so it turns out that out of all the random ass freeway bonus cats we possibly could have scooped out of a ditch, WE got the one-in-a-million freak of nature with a SPECIFIC genetic defect that means a paleo protein free range diet is essentially poison and he THRIVES on cheap ass garbage

Like. He medically NEEDS junk food

I dont really understand how that works, but i cant argue with results.

If we had four of him, they'd outweigh my mom. And he's FINE

Also blind, but that's unrelated

Im not using him as a symbol or a metaphor or anything. I just keep catching myself thinking about my mom's Big Fucking Cat

[kiryuing]