#or fleshed-out interpersonal relationships

[lemonhemlock]

Silly little headcanon here but I love Helaena's facial expressions when they're facing down Meleys. I look at her while she's holding Criston's arm and for some reason I imagine a scenario where Criston's trying to get her to leave the stage so at the very least she doesn't die but she's like "WAIT NO I WANT TO STAY" maybe because she already knows they survive this and she wants to stand with her family. And then Criston has no choice but to awkwardly stand in front of her in a futile attempt to shield her from any flames while Helaena looks back at the dragon in defiance.

Anonymous asked: I’m so glad HOTD expanded on Helaena’s character, however briefly. I’m really hoping we will see more of her as a dreamer- of course, her descent post Blood and Cheese is completely understandable, but I would love to see her still play a role in the story somehow.

Anonymous asked: so not ready for Helaena to be sidelined again in s2…B&C will probably take place in episode 1 for a punching opening or episode 2, a point from which they will just lock her up in some room and forget about her character. I don’t get the writers, they actually give her more traits than in the book (her being a dreamer and autistic coded), like look she isn’t some one dimensional character! but then never do anything with her. Her dreams/visions are ignored by everyone, we don’t know how her family deals with her quirks, we don’t know what kind of relationship she has with ANY of her family members. Ffs, she is married with 2 kids and we still don’t know whether she likes her kids, hates Aegon, has a secret affair w Aemond, loves Otto, etc. In my delusional fantasies, I envision that they will actually utilize her character in s2 to at least humanize Aegon, if she cannot have her own character arc. If the writers want to redeem Aegon a tiny bit, their best chance would be improving his relationship w Helaena and their kids. Although I highly doubt they would do such thing. *sighs* Let her ride dreamfyre at least once or something. Or let her show kindess to the badly burnt Aegon. ANYTHING.

More Helaena asks! I think there is an interesting observation to make about show!Helaena. On the one hand, she really is woefully under-developed on screen, in that she has NO dialogue with her brothers at all, the only lines she shares are with Alicent, we have Aegon & Aemond talking about her between themselves, but not WITH her. :)) On the other hand, she does gain extra traits from the book ? somehow? She gets to have an unusual hobby, receives neurodivergent-coding and is positioned as a Cassandra figure. Now whether this is actually good or bad, I can’t say, because book!Helaena at least seemed to be a cheerful and content person, well-liked by people and popular with the smallfolk. So that implies a degree of charisma, warmth, sociability and confidence (when interacting with members of the public). Whereas the new character traits she received make her more predisposed to melancholy, so to speak. Even her interest in bugs sets her apart and not necessarily in a socially-acceptable way - most people find creepy-crawlies repulsive, so they would not be able to easily connect and bond with her, because it’s not an interest many people would find palatable in the first place. Who here doesn’t start screaming when they stumble upon a spider or a cockroach?

Helaena is already a character who will suffer a lot in upcoming events, so the idea that, at least until B&C, she had quite a happy life and was OK with her lot kind of makes it a little better? As opposed to living her entire life isolated & misunderstood, with a bad marriage to boot. Like the anon above mentioned, we don’t even know if she likes her own kids lol. Not to imply that she doesn’t, but the writers chose to sit her on the sofa and visually separate her from her children, who are playing with the handmaiden, instead of her, so there wasn’t any opportunity for warmth there either or for some cute moment. Contrast that with how Rhaenyra gets to lovingly hold her children and dote on them.

Whereas in the texts, even Viserys seemed to be fond of Helaena and would regale her & her children with fun stories, like, they spent quality time together and were fond of each other. Nor was Aegon abusive towards her? I mean no one in the books had one bad word to say about Helaena, not even Rhaenyra in particular, so this idea that Aegon would somehow be the only person in his family to hate her is a little exotic, lol.

I would love to see Helaena ride Dreamfyre actually. I find it fascinating that she managed to claim this (huge!) whimsical dragon. I did write something a while back with some ideas on how to expand her character, if anyone is interested (here and here in the latter part of the post).

[froschli96]

you know, i always find it really funny when dudebros complain about syndicate and odyssey being too "jokey" or not "taking its characters seriously" or whatever…

like, did y'all collectively sleep through "it's-a me, mario!", "i meant besides vaginas", ezio inventing the latte, bartolomeo's... just... *gestures vaguely* entire character, etc?

like, it's fine to have preferences of course, i myself prefer a more serious and grounded tone, but these are usually the same people who tout the ezio trilogy as "peak assassin's creed", call ac1 a glorified tech demo and hate on connor for being "too serious and boring", like? make it make sense!

[sparkles-oflight]

Hello, to the 6 people reading my fanfic (I'm sorry, I literally get so excited when I get kudos or any kind of interaction in my story hehe):

Chapters 6-8 won't have much Jan, Jure and Nace content....I was considering writing an extra chapter through Jan's POV. What do ya think?

[bugflies00]

one of the things i love the most about dsmp is the fact that no one has the same version of it. the most obvious example is which streamer's POV you watched, but it goes way beyond that because mcrp requires a level of suspension of disbelief and also of filling in the gaps, fleshening things out, in order to make it usable for fancontent.

for example, the fact that apart from the minecraft skin there is no actual guideline for how to see the characters, hence the dsmp creaturification of fan designs we've been over a million times. but it's not just that!!

the fandom also has so many different relations to time in the dsmp. some take the canon timeline but then you run into problems like c!fundy's age — so then either he's actually a 20 year old that c!wilbur adopted and treats like a baby, or perhaps fox hybrids have a very abrupt exponential growth spurt, or perhaps l'manberg wasn't a few months but a few years!

and then this brings into question the matter of scale — how populated is the server? is it truly only the actual streamers/characters, and so when we talk about a "war" do we really just mean like 10 people fighting each other with swords? or perhaps there's a couple dozen, unnamed, background characters? and i've seen people increase the scale even more! make l'manberg a real, albeit obviously small and budding, country-city of a few hundred inhabitants, that perhaps grows into a lifesize scale fortified city during new l'manberg.

and then everything takes on such a different tone. if theres 30 people on the server, the final control room was a betrayal and destruction of friendships, november 16th was the grief and anger for a friend and the symbolic destruction of the country, and doomsday was another symbolic show of whose alliances everyone values, and the weariness of having to rebuild it. if there's a few thousand people? all of those were massacres.

how can we even be talking about the same characters when for some of us the worst they've done is blow up some houses with no cost of lives, and for others they have razed to the ground actual nations? depending on how you read it and how much you flesh it out, dsmp is either mainly about symbols and interpersonal relationships, or it can be some game of thrones shit. it's completely fucking mental. i'm so in love with it

[adventures-in-mangaland]

Even More Dead Boy Detectives Fic Recs

I've discovered some amazing new authors since my last post! And writers I've already recced have published more great stories So here's another fic rec post!

Who? You mean your teammate in the Codependency World Cup? (series) by RoseGanymede95

I couldn't chose! They're all great! Basically a series of Edwin and Charles through the years and on cases pre-show. It scratches that adjusting-to-being-dead/newly-escaped-from-Hell itch and the authors writing is magic! It also fleshes out a really interesting conflict in the payneland dynamic: Charles' drive to protect Edwin at all costs clashing with Edwin's guilt over putting Charles at risk/depriving him of some ideal afterlife. Parts one and four also introduces Constantine/Johanna and part three revolves around an absolutely gut-wrenching temporary break-up. 😢

In Hell I'll Be in Good Company by laylabinx

Charles rescuing Edwin from Hell does not go smoothly. Just. Bucketloads of Trauma for both of them. And for you, the Reader. It's so good though!

your fangs in my neck (like an anchor like a vow) by shadowquill17

Vampire Edwin AU! It's great because it combines the (homo)eroticism of vampiric feeding with Charles' whole bisexual crisis and post-confession Edwin worrying about making Charles uncomfortable. Also Charles is some kind of demigod/immortal agent of divine vengeance which is an AMAZING detail and I desperately want to see some fanart!

The same author's ongoing story to the pain is also excellent though very angsty (cw temporary character death). I'm anxiously waiting for an update!

To Memory Now I Can't Recall by engineering_madonna

This is an amnesia fic and the most recent in an established relationship series. The first two installments feature the boys getting together and navigating their new relationship, so pulling the old 'character A forgets their whole romantic relationship with character B' trope hits especially hard! The whole series is lovely, but I am WEAK for temporary-amnesia.

Lemonade & Sunrises by paraph

A Quiet Place AU! The boys are alive, but they're the only ones. Very bleak but in a way that makes me want more!

1999 au (series) by websters_lieb

The boys figure their shit out in the 90s. Also, Edwin gets to read Maurice and queer theory. The cases in both stories are compelling and the author's writing and characterisation of the boys are excellent.

I also recommend offer me that deathless death which is about the boys' first meeting, Charles' funeral and the birth of the agency.

if I could reach the stars (i'd give them all to you) by ObsessedWithFandom

Charles falls first, Edwin falls harder. This is an AU of the author's excellent Charles' bisexual awakening fic, which I also highly recommend. It has lovely OCs and Charles having a sweet little friendship/romance with the boy he saved in canon, which actually makes his death a whole lot more tragic.

Came up from that lake of fire by ghostinthelibrary

Charles and Edwin get caught escaping Hell and promise to capture a demon-eating ghost called The Deathless in exchange for their freedom. With the added twist that they get to be alive again! An exciting case, high stakes and all the alive-again culture shocks and emotional/interpersonal drama you could ask for.

gig officially gigged by laiqualaurelote

Band AU! It shouldn't work but it does. Which might also be an in-universe review for the band tbh. Idk, I loved Edwin's massive obscure musical instruments and Charles being his unpaid roadie. Peak Found Family Feels.

No Rehearsing It, No Reversing It by DontOffendTheBees

Charles overthinks being in love with Edwin, my beloved. This time with increasingly flimsy pretexts for why they NEED to kiss. Just perfect Idiots in Love, no notes.

The Case of David Bowie's Made up Sexuality by williamvapespeare

The agency attempt to help a living lesbian couple deal with a haunting. Meanwhile, Charles struggles through his bisexual (re)awakening. With bonus past (living) Charles no-homo-ing himself to the nth degree. Pure of heart, dumb of ass, indeed.

The lamps are going out by CasiHuman

Vengeful Spirit Edwin AU! Has some interesting ghost lore and Edwin being convinced his touch is painful to Charles (love that trope!). Also features some of the author's adorable/hilarious fanart at the end.

just frame the halves (and call them brothers) by Anonymous

Crystal stumbles upon the ghost of Edwin's older brother, who hires the agency to free him and his platoon from the battleground they've been haunting. Case fic with interesting details about Edwin's family life and an awkward as hell family reunion.

the case of the very long ferry ride by obsceme

Sex pollen but with skin hunger, so it's more touching turned making out and hand jobs in a bathroom. Interesting use of ghost lore and it's cute and well written.

Form 239, Schedule L by sanctuary_for_all

Charles Rowland's Love Language is Acts of Service: The Fic. So many feels! Plus Afterlife worldbuilding and some quality Night Nurse rep.

don't go sharing your devotions (lay all your love on me) by Hephanna

The boys and Crystal accidentally summon an alternate universe version of Charles. He's very... handsy. Charles being jealous of himself is objectively hilarious and it looks like it could be heading towards throuple territory. Possibly even a foursome, if alternate Edwin figures out parallel universe travel. Which he probably will.

Still a Better Lovestory by Vamillepudding

Hanahaki disease! Charles is on the case but Edwin's being weirdly uncooperative about his own curse. I loved the worldbuilding (there's a whole sisterhood of washerwomen!) and the angst, plus the writing is excellent.

The author has also written Eternal Sunshine, in which Edwin is cursed to feel no love of any kind. It makes for an interesting character study, contrasting cursed Edwin, his public reserve and his actual personality.

[warframe1999]

Sooo…

The protoframes, huh?

i wanted to go a bit into what each member of the Hex (yay, new syndicate!!) had to say when you got into proximity of them in the relay. there’s honestly a lot here to set the scene not only for 1999 itself, but introducing each protoframe as well as sort of hinting at their interpersonal relationships, and how they interact with one another! some of my favorite kinda of lore is specifically character development and personality-focused dynamics like this so here!!!! i walked back and forth for an hour for YOU! here is all proximity dialogue for each character in the Höllvania Mall relay:

ARTHUR:

“Question. Could I take Quincy down if he turned on me?”

“We’ll find you, Doctor. That’s a promise.”

“Stop sniffing around my head, Eleanor. If I want to talk, I’ll talk.”

“We need to keep Lettie on her feet. If she goes we all go.”

“Dunno why we even bothered with that cleaning rota.”

“Yeah, we can hold this place.”

“One day, Aoi. No more roadblocks and checkpoints. Just you and me and the bikes, open road for miles, all this bullshit far away. I swear to Sol.”

“Still too open. We need more chokepoints.”

“Bottled water. Like sodding gold dust.”

“Well Amir’s still alive. That’s a win.”

LETICIA:

“I got nothin’ to prove to you, Quincy! Go play your little games, niño.”

“¿Qué onda? The Lady Eleanor ain’t no more freaky than the last time you checked in. ‘Less you know different?”

“Yo, Aoi. Chill, hermana. Do something for yourself, for once. Arthur ain’t going to blow away if you blink.”

“The boss says care for his sister I care for his sister. As long as you still are his sister… and as long as I feel like listening to him.”

“Being loved and being hurt? Yeah, I make no distinction. I knew someone, once, wired the same way. Kept me sane. And what of it? Te crees muy acá ¿no? Get outta my head, Eleanor.”

“Never signed up for this. I’ll be home Mamá. Your little girl doesn’t end here. No te preocupes.”

“Man, I’ve been awake so long that even the spiders in my head have all gone to sleep.”

“Wacha: unless you’re pissing blood right this second, whatever it is can wait.”

“I swear, should lock Aoi and Amir in a cuna. Didn’t sign up for no babysitting gig.”

AOI:

“I don’t wanna go on patrol. I wanna take stuff apart.”

“Nearly time for the On-lyne boys.”

“Metal, metal, metal, what do you want to be?”

“Yep. I can live like this.”

“Arthur needs to keep some fuel in the tank for himself. Goddamn savior complex that man has…”

“I oughta get some headphones. Then I wouldn’t have to hear Quincy work off all that surplus testosterone!”

“If they take Entrati out, who’s going to look after that mutant jaguar of his? Poor thing won’t last five minutes in the wild.”

“Amir! Remember to hydrate!”

“Dear past self: we finally got those super powers we always wanted. Whaddayaknow.”

“GodDAMN. Lettie would you keep your frickin’ rats OUT of my SPACE?”

QUINCY:

“Don’t look up, Doctor.”

“Arthur needs to leave the Major to me, innit. Respect my methods.”

“Don’t mind the waiting. Plenty to be thinking about.”

“You don’t know me. Never see what darkens your rooftops. Inevitable, like the rain. Handing out consolations in a transient connection. Boom. Smoke. And ghost.”

“You wiv me, Eleanor? How deep in you go? See anythin’ you fancy, girl?”

“Amir is a weak, weak boy. Like Aunty said, ‘duppy know who fi frighten.’”

“Thassit… nice and steady.”

“How many man have the opps got? Not enough t’be takin’ me. Never.”

“Oi, Lettie! Grab y’ strap and let’s go. Best a five buys the drinks?”

ELEANOR:

“Don’t expect me to tell you what I’ve seen in Amir’s head. He’s not a beautiful, broken marionette, and he’s nobody’s project. He’s one of us.”

“Quincy thinks he’s going to wake up one night to me chewing the flesh from his ribs. Maybe he’s right.”

“I know you’re there. I can feel you. It’s okay, I won’t tell the others.”

“Aoi? She’s lovely and kind and strong, and… I kind of hate her a little bit. Because it should have been her spreading her happiness into everyone’s heads, and me throwing cars and trucks around.”

“I thought there were going to be two of you! Where’s the other one?”

“Blood. There’s gonna be a fight. Something… bursting. Crossed swords. Arthur!”

“What on earth is a ‘Mara Lohk’?”

“Oh, you’re going to make such a difference this time around.”

“I don’t think Doctor Entrati expected me to survive. I had a lot more than just a cough. But… survive I did. And Lettie has not forgiven me for it.

“Oh. OH. She’s wonderful! Triple-faced goddess! But there’s a shadow on her, isn’t there?”

AMIR:

“A little zap, and… infinite credit! No more ‘insert coin’! Not that we could insert coin. We have no coin. Once we had coin, but now Aoi has smooshed all the coin. Coinnnn.”

“Why did they never make a console port?”

“BAD MOVE, SPACE CAA-DET.”

“But the one thought none of them spoke out loud was - could Lettie reattach a head?”

“Hey, Arthur! Arthur! Arthur! Arthur! Arthur! Dahh, you missed it.”

“Eleanor? Are you there? Can you - can you give my brain a hug please? Thank you.”

“We’re getting a little too excited, let’s step it down, step it down before we get the blue cracklies. In one two out one two.”

“Oi’m Quincy. Oi’m gonna blow out yer kneecaps. Mashup in yer chip shop alright.”

“Ungh! This violent video game is influencing my emotions! Societal norms… eroding! Morality… subsumed! I MUST KILL!”

“This place used to smell so good. Coffee. Cookies. Fresh clean socks. Now it’s just rust, pain, and old socks.”

[aayakashii]

routine

Pairing: Kagami Subaru x MC/reader

Tags: SFW. Character analysis, a bit of angst, hurt x comfort (I think), fluff and romance between you and Subaru, over 6k words

Author's note: this is probably the biggest fic I've written lol and I'm kinda proud of how it came out, since it also took me some days to fully flesh it out. I'd appreciate comments if you liked the fic! Comments literally keep every writers alive. Anyways, hope you enjoy!

Kabuki Glossary:

Biwa: Japanese short-necked wooden flute traditionally used in narrative storytelling

Geza: the music that plays during kabuki, performed live

Hanamichi: flower path; a long, raised platform, running left or center to the stage through the audience, connecting to the main stage, used to make dramatic entrances and exits

Mie pose: a powerful and emotional pose struck by an actor

Onnagata: actor who acts the role of a young woman 

Sewamono:  a genre of contemporary setting plays in Japanese traditional theatre

Shamisen: three-stringed traditional Japanese musical instrument

Tachiyaku: young adult male roles, the actors who play those roles; most commonly these are hero roles, though not all of them

Takemoto: a specific type of song, it is also the narration device used during a kabuki play. It consists of a chanter/narrator (tayu) and the shamisen players

Subaru had become used to it.

You would come to visit him right after your classes, if you weren’t assigned a mission, and Subaru would welcome you with tea and some obscure sweet he managed to get, just to let you try it. You two would talk, and you would share stories about your friends in the Academy, how your life was before you became cursed, and he would tell his own stories, even if he thought they weren’t nearly as interesting as yours.

It gave him a sense of belonging.

Subaru hadn't had much experience with friendships or any interpersonal relationship at all.

His life was merely the background for his career as an actor. His bare skin was merely the foundational bricks for the red and white makeup that would adorn him once he was out on the stage.

When he was under the spotlight, his monotone voice resounded loudly – louder than the drums, louder than the shamisen, louder than the biwa. Subaru became gigantic under his costume. His movements were sharp and hypnotic, the flow of his kimono as he walked down the hanamichi and the pierce of his gaze turned all heads towards him. He was a genius, a talent like no other, the future of the kabuki theater.

And he did not see himself in any of it.

Here lies the true tragedy of a burned out genius child: to go under insurmountable levels of pressure, only to find that the dreams of your parents were never your own.

Subaru did not want to be under the spotlight, no matter how much the spotlight wanted him and no matter how much others wanted him to be under it.

As he was forced to keep walking the flower path, his chances of living life as a normal kid were gone: he had no friends, no acquaintances, nothing that helped him find out who he was for himself.

So, he had no experience.

But he knew that he could pick out the feeling of belonging somewhere after spending time with you.

Eagerly, he waited for the clock to reach 5PM everyday, knowing that you would come through his door to spend time with him.

Routine was always something he appreciated, anxious as he was. He didn't like surprises, he wanted things to be predictable, to give him even the slightest sense of control over his new life as a student.

Therefore, to know that you would come to visit everyday, at the exact same time, was his comfort – even if the thought of you made his heart skip a beat, although he didn't quite understand why.

Not even standing behind the greatest stages made his heart drum loudly after a while. As the green, red and brown curtains of the stage were pulled, his body went on automatic. The takemoto went through his ears, unnoticed, and the geza became white noise. He moved gracefully, although his mind flew into other planes. As the audience clapped enthusiastically as he stood in his mie pose, Subaru wished he was somewhere else. He felt extremely guilty for not being able to appreciate the hard work of the musicians and the actors, but after he figured out that the passion he thought he had was merely a reflection of his parents’ passion, everything became black, white and gray.

Yet, planning fancy snacks for you made his hands clammy and his heart restless – and it wasn't the most comfortable feeling, however, he didn't hate it. He knew you'd come through with the routine and wash his anxieties away.

However, much to his dismay, his comfort had been ripped off of him for the past three days. His precious routine had been broken and Subaru would be lying if he said he wasn't counting the hours, the minutes and the seconds until it was restored, somehow.

He just had no idea how to fix it.

You had been fiercely avoiding him for three days, ever since the last meeting was cut short, and he blamed himself for hurting you in the worst way he could have ever done it.

Subaru has always had awful self-esteem.

No matter the compliments about his genius, none of them stuck to him. When you despise what you do, being good at it just brings forth more bitterness towards oneself.

Subaru was a rarity in the kabuki world – someone who could represent a captivating tachiyaku or the most elegant onnagata. He could be the hero or the princess, something that most actors could not do. To don the costumes of two genders was the cause of endless praise and awe from the audience and members of his acting house alike – none of which he accepted.

To him, his talent came as second nature. There was no need to hone his skills – they were already there, much like an additional organ he was born with – and he loathed that fact. He loathed how this pushed him towards a world in which he didn't want to participate. 

He truly valued the hard work he was now putting into his studies, something he was creating with his own hands. He could see his own growth and pat himself on the back for it – even if he still had a hard time accepting compliments (he knew the only reason he was the captain of Hotarubi was due to his status, after all. He was just a figurehead).

Subaru’s stigma was an even bigger burden towards his path of bettering himself. 

If he hated being an actor, he hated himself even more for his powers. Much like his talent, he did not ask to be bestowed with such a repugnant stigma. It was the reason why his parents would never touch him, never hold him. He was a walking breach of privacy, a dangerous little thing that could easily become a weapon, if the truth of his stigma was found out. He was untouchable in every way, figuratively and literally.

He truly couldn't understand how Lyca, Zenji, Haku and you were so quick to accept his ugliness. 

“You aren’t disgusting, something like this could never be your fault”, you had said, when he wallowed in self-pity after revealing his secret. But to step out of his cycle of self-hatred was a tough task.

Your visits helped, however. For the first time in his young life, someone saw him as himself and stayed. 

Haku and Zenji were his true friends, but they still saw him through the lens of that one genius kabuki actor. And Lyca… he was alone and desperate.

You, however, had the ghouls of Darkwick Academy wrapped in your little finger and, still, you chose him. Despite his social awkwardness, his anxieties, his anger, his stigma. You chose him whenever it was time to get lunch, when you could be resting, when you could have anyone else. The thought of it made his heart skip a beat again. He was sensing a slight pattern.

Yet, it had been three days, and you were gone. No messages, no visits, no news.

He understood your avoidance despite it all. He had committed the worst sin he could have done to his dearest friend.

He had touched you.

You had come to Hotarubi at your usual time, 5PM, sharp. Your hair was disheveled and a few droplets of water stained the tatami of the tea room as they fell from your face and hands, while you hurriedly took off your shoes.

“I’m so sorry for making a mess, Subaru! I had to run here to arrive on time and ended up forgetting my umbrella… I had to walk under every cover I could find, but I still ended up being sprayed by the rain.” you said, as you stood at the entrance, shaking your body as if you were trying to get rid of the excess water.

Subaru shot up from his spot, his face contorted in worry.

“Oh no, please don’t do that!” he said, as he ran to quickly rummage through the drawers of the room for towels “You always have to use an umbrella when you come to Hotarubi, what if you get a cold?”

You grabbed the towel he gave you, smiling awkwardly.

“I know, I know. I just didn’t want to arrive late. I didn’t want you to get anxious.”

Subaru blinked, face blank, as he was caught off guard by your answer.

“You… you don’t need to worry about me. I’m not that anxious.” 

You laughed, and he felt his breath hitch on his throat.

“Suuure, and I don’t breathe oxygen…” you said jokingly, hanging the towel on a nearby hanger after you finished patting your face and arms dry, giggling as you noticed the way he was pouting slightly. “I’m just playing with you! I’m sorry.”

“No no, I’m sorry about worrying you to the point of you having to hurry…”

You rolled your eyes and raised your hands to put them on his shoulder, quickly stopping yourself before you could actually touch him, resting them on your hips instead.

“Subaru. You don’t have to apologize for something like that. I am doing this because I care about your well-being. You're my friend and I want you to be okay. It’s not something to feel apologetic for. Instead, you can just thank me for being a great friend.” you winked and he immediately looked away from your face, that was too bright for him to stare at.

“O… okay… Thank you.” Subaru murmured, forcing himself to look at you again, from under his lashes, a small smile adorning his features.

“You’re very welcome.” you nodded “Now let’s drink some tea please, I do need something hot to warm myself!”

“That’s true, let’s get you warm so you won’t get a cold, please.”

Soon, time slowed down as you two sat and chatted about everything and nothing at all. You talked about how weird Darkwick's shopkeeper is, how awfully crowded the dining hall is (Subaru avoided it like the plague), how scary Professor Hyde can be sometimes, how loud Kaito and Luca are, how cute are the little cats running around all day…

How funny it is that you two always met for lunch in a place where only romantic couples hung out, you mentioned in passing, almost mumbling to yourself like you didn’t want to be heard.

“Does it make you uncomfortable?” Subaru asked, already looking apologetic, hearing you despite your low voice.

“No, no” you were quick to dismiss his concern “It’s, um, I don’t know... Doesn’t it make you a little nervous?” you said, laughing sheepishly, a foreign blush warming the tips of your ears, which went unnoticed by him.

“You get nervous when we’re there? We can eat somewhere else, you don't have to stay in a place you dislike just to appease me…” Subaru muttered, frowning “I’m so sorry I didn’t notice that it was making you uncomfortable…”

“No, no, no” you shook your head vigorously “That’s not what I meant at all! I… I don’t think I can explain it to you just yet. I don’t think I’m… ready, or… whatever, I don’t know…” you trailed off, incoherently.

“Ready? I’m sorry, I don't understand.”

“It’s okay” you flashed him a smile and grabbed one of the kimono catalogs that were littering his table, fidgeting with it, mindlessly “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just keep eating there, okay? Promise we’ll keep eating there?”

“But I want to understand what you mean- oh!” Subaru cut himself off as he saw a thick sheet of paper cut your thumb while you flipped it anxiously “Your thumb…”

You looked at the small cut that was letting out a single droplet of blood and shrugged.

“Oh, I didn’t even notice… it’s okay, I’ll put a bandaid over it later. Wait, Subaru? Wait… wait, no!”

The boy didn’t quite register his own movements, as his hand went to grab your bleeding one, gently grasping your pulse with his soft fingers, running his own thumb over your cut, as if his touch could heal you faster. 

His hands were bare.

You inhaled sharply and, instantly, it all flashed into his mind in quick succession. Like a large wave overwhelming an inexperienced swimmer, he was pushed down into the deep waters of those memories, causing him to gasp, breathless.

Subaru was swarmed by visions of himself in every possible situation. He saw how your gaze followed him when you spotted him from a distance in the campus; how you searched for him in the crowd of students during lunch time, on the tranquil balcony in which you two have shared your food together plenty of times before; and how you turned your head around whenever you heard someone mention his name in passing.

He had glimpses of the way his hands moved while making tea; his profile as he smiled gently when he tried explaining your homework to you; and his own eyes softening as he talked about Lyca. In your eyes, he looked magical. Ethereal, even. Someone who deserved to be admired, loved, praised and he knew these were your own emotions being whispered so subtly to him.

Subaru saw himself in a way the mirror had never reflected back to him. He discovered parts of his being that he wasn't able to find out for himself, because they would only come to the surface when he was with you.

In his mind's eye, right then, Subaru laughed, loud and breathless, as he clutched his stomach – all the restraint he built through his lifetime, gone through the window, after you had merely told him some silly joke. The way he brightened with your words, making your heart beat in a terrifying, yet delightful way, made your breath catch on your throat.

And much like a dying man seeing his whole life flash through his eyes, he arrived back to the present and saw himself, staring wide-eyed at his own hand tightly gripping yours.

He blinked, and his consciousness came back to him.

Subaru, like usual, felt incredibly weak after using his stigma, yet he still quickly turned his gaze towards you, eyes wide and mouth opening and closing like a fish, unable to say a word.

Your face was beet red and your eyes were blankly staring at your own lap, lips pursed into a thin line and eyebrows furrowed. Your free hand was clenched into a fist, knuckles pale with the force in which you dug your own nails into your palm.

“I…” Subaru murmured, trying his best to weave a coherent thought.

You got up quickly, breaking the hold Subaru had onto your arm, and grabbed your things in a hurry.

“I think- I think I should go.” your voice cracked and you cleared your throat harshly “Thank you so much for the snacks and tea, they were delicious like always” you blurted out, quickly making your way to his door.

“Wait, no, I- I'm sorry, I-” Subaru held his hand out, as if he tried to reach you but you were too far away, oceans of distance between you two.

“There's nothing to apologize for!” You said, way too cheerfully for him to believe you “I just gotta go now. I have… I gotta go. Yeah. See you soon, Subaru.” you stepped out into the rain and soon disappeared into the mist that surrounded Hotarubi, not waiting for whatever he tried to say.

Subaru stared at his own hands. The little droplet of your blood stained his fingertip, and he took a deep, shaky breath.

He had betrayed you. He had seen your innermost memories without your consent and now you were mad at him. He had to apologize. He had to beg for your forgiveness, until you took pity on him and allowed him to be your friend once again. 

Falling into a deeper pit of self-hatred was hard, but he tried to keep it together, for you. He needed to be lucid in order to beg for your pardon once you came back to visit him. He just hoped it would be soon.

But you did not see him soon at all.

“I don't think they're mad at you for seeing their memories, it’s not really like them. But maybe they're embarrassed?” Haku pondered, taking a bite of the mochi Subaru had set out for you out of pure habit.

“No” he shook his head, adamant “They wouldn't simply disappear if it was just that. I don’t believe that. I have done something that made them angry at me. I saw something I definitely shouldn't have seen.”

It was the fifth day of you avoiding Subaru and he was hanging on by the thinnest thread. He was so close to snapping that it was becoming clear to the other Hotarubi students. And so, Haku and Zenji came to intervene.

“Well... I can't really give you my proper opinion if I don't know what you saw.” Haku said bluntly, making Subaru flinch.

“I can't tell you. I would be breaching their trust again. That’s the last thing I need to do right now.”

“You are absolutely correct, my dear friend!” Zenji remarked “However, we can’t possibly figure out the true essence of your situation if you can't tell us the whole entire story! How can we write an ending without knowing the beginning and the middle of the plot?”

“I don’t know…” Subaru murmured, looking more miserable with each second.

Haku sighed loudly, shifting his legs on the seat.

“Subaru. We don't want to gossip. We just want to know the situation better. We are their friends as well, you know?” he smirked “We can help you figure out their emotions. If anything, you might feel better after venting. How’s that phrase? A burden shared…”

“Is a burden halved!” Zenji finished, boisterously.

A pang resounded in Subaru's heart at how his friends were doing their best to help him.

“O…okay. I'll tell you”

After finishing recounting the last day he saw you, Subaru sighed loudly.

“Well?”

After a moment of silence, Zenji exclaimed loudly, startling the other two.

“Oh!! The spring begins!!” he yelled, one hand on his chest as the other went up in the air “How lovely it is to see young buds bloom into perfect flowers!!”

Haku slowly nodded at Zenji’s words and chuckled, rubbing his own face in disbelief while he noticed how absolutely perplexed and confused Subaru still was.

“I see now…”

“What?” the brown-haired boy fidgeted, almost desperate to grab Haku and Zenji and shake them by their shoulders “What's going on?”

The other boys looked at each other, before turning back to him. 

“Subaru, I don’t want to beat around the bush so I’m just gonna say it straight away. They're like… very much in love with you.”

He blinked slowly, as if the words were entering his brain at a snail’s pace.

“What?” was all he managed to utter.

“Yes, my friend! Our lovely flower seems to be completely smitten by you!”

“No” Subaru shook his head “That can't be. It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Man, if there’s one thing that makes sense in the world, is what we’re telling you right now” Haku said, while laughing “Specially after everything you said you saw. You just… saw their feelings when they weren't ready to tell you yet, so I bet it feels embarrassing. It's probably eating them alive right now. That’s why they’re not visiting.”

Subaru stared at his own lap, his mind not properly processing the depth of the situation – the word “Love” bouncing in his brain like a lost temari.

“Then…” he whispered, throat hoarse “What should I do now?”

“What do you feel for our little flower, my friend? Do you correspond to their feelings? Do you love them back?” Zenji worded gently, as if he was talking to a scared wild animal.

“Do I love them back…” 

Haku nudged Zenji, motioning for both of them to get up and leave Subaru for the moment.

“Figure that out first. If you do, go after them and tell them you correspond to their feelings. If not, just let them deal with it on their own. Also, if you don’t like them back, don’t ask for them to come visit you again like nothing ever happened. You’d just be rubbing salt on their wounds.”

“How do I figure that out though?” Subaru looked up at the two men as they leisurely walked outside of his room, eyes already brimming with tears.

“You're a smart guy. You'll figure that out by yourself.” Haku winked at him and both him and Zenji slipped away, leaving Subaru at a loss.

Subaru did his due diligence the only way he knew how: by studying. He started reading romance mangas and watching romance movies. It was the type of media his family would never approve of, as they deemed it unworthy of someone refined like him.

Still, despite him thinking that that “forbidden knowledge” would give him all the answers, it still led him nowhere.

He wasn’t like any male lead from these works. He could never run after someone in an airport and yell their name, begging them to stay and forgo all of their life plans. Subaru wasn’t like that. He couldn't run, couldn't yell and could never see himself as more important than anything.

His self-esteem wasn’t nearly as good as what was necessary for him to feel even the slightest kinship towards the strong, bold male leads, who always had something impressive to show – something that made them who they are, even if they had failures in their personalities.

Subaru could say he had his career as a Kabuki actor as something impressive, but again, it wasn’t him. Kabuki was a part of him, yes, but he wanted to shed it like a cocoon.

Despite that, he thought, then, of all the romantic plays he had performed.

He remembered the pain of most love stories, the tragic end of most sewamono plays he performed and he felt the thorns of grief strangle his chest, tightly.

He remembered the star crossed lovers who could never be together, the man who was promised to someone else and couldn’t be with his beloved, and the woman who had her life binded to a place that would never let her be with the one she desired the most.

All of them, lovers who could never be together, so they chose to erase their own light, because being without one another was more painful than dying together.

Subaru thought about not having you in his life for a moment and he figured: maybe not having you was its own type of death. A life without his most beloved friend felt like an empty one. A loveless one.

He paused.

Love. He thought of this word so candidly, it came to his mind without conscious thought – like it was second nature, like it was the obvious conclusion. And so, he decided to allow his thoughts to flow naturally, without pressure or expectations for once.

He thought of the way he searched for your gaze whenever you two were in public, seeking your comfort and approval. 

His heart skipped a beat whenever he glanced at you and you found his eyes, smiling silently at him, as if you two had a secret inside joke. 

His chest swelled with pride whenever you agreed with him (it didn’t matter the subject) and he almost felt like he could burst with it whenever you thanked him for his help studying, or when you praised him, or when you giggled at something he said.

Subaru cared for your tastes and opinions, always asking for your favorite foods, flowers, scents and colors. He made sure to smother you in your favorite things, in order to keep you more comfortable – in order to keep you with him just a little longer everyday.

His thoughts wandered over to you at any given moment and he didn't even notice. He'd question himself whether you'd like something, which sweets he could order for you, which teas he could brew.

Without noticing, he based his life around you and it felt absolutely right when he did that. It felt like belonging somewhere.

Subaru inhaled sharply.

The place in which he belongs is wherever you are, he figured.

Subaru hastily got up and bolted out of his room, out of Hotarubi and into Darkwick's campus, where the rain was pouring heavily, accumulating around the lamp posts and pitter-pattering loudly on the asphalt. His clothes were drenched in mere seconds.

He had forgotten his umbrella.

Subaru banged as loud as he could on the door of the rundown cathedral, trying to blink away the raindrops that stuck to his eyelashes and blurred his vision. He could barely see through the heavy rain anyway, so he missed the lights on the windows flickering on and your shadow hurriedly descending the stairs to walk towards the tall doors.

“Subaru?!” you yelled through the sounds of the storm, his hands still raised in fists, ready to keep on banging at the door. “Oh my goodness, Subaru, you’re drenched!”

You pulled him by his uniform’s sleeve, doing your best to avoid touching him without his consent. ‘Always so thoughtful’ he thought to himself, feeling a little floaty after finally seeing you after a whole week.

With his realization, the dam that was keeping his feelings for you safely contained inside a hidden part of himself was no more.

Subaru acknowledged that he was madly in love with you and he immediately began feeling foolish. His fingers itched to touch you despite his fears and he could look at you for hours on end, drinking every detail and every mannerism.

It was like admitting his love was also letting go of his self control. He felt like something inside him nudged him to be as close to you as possible and it flustered him.

No wonder the movies and mangas said that being in love made people a bit sillier, a bit dumber. But the extent of it was almost ridiculous.

He followed you like a lost puppy when you motioned for him to come with you, and soon you two found yourselves in the kitchen.

“Okay” you let out a loud exhale “This is the warmest place in this dorm. You’re lucky I was already making myself some tea. Also, I’m gonna bring some towels and a change of clothes for you, although I might not have something that’s your size. Geez, Subaru, what were you thinking, walking all the way here in this storm? And this late? Without an umbrella!” you rambled on and on, pouring boiling water into a mug for him to drink and dipping a tea bag inside, carelessly.

Subaru grabbed the warm mug and looked at you, with saddened eyes that felt like an arrow through your heart.

“I missed you.”

You took a long breath as you heard the words coming out of his lips, and stared at him, dumbfounded, like he had suddenly grown a second head. You were about to reply, when Subaru shivered intensely despite the warmth of the kitchen, and you came back to your senses, walking briskly towards your room, in order to fetch the towels, leaving his words unanswered.

Subaru sipped on the tea, suddenly every insecurity bubbling up to the surface while he waited for you to return. What if he totally misunderstood your memories? What if you just loved him as a friend and nothing else, what if Haku and Zenji were totally wrong, what if what if what if-

The sound of your hurried footsteps interrupted the avalanche of thoughts that were most definitely about to bury him under a panic attack. He focused on your silhouette approaching him with a handful of towels and what appeared to be a big nightgown.

“Okay, let's get you near the stove.” You said, beckoning him to sit where you were standing.

As soon as he sat down again, you covered his head with a towel and began drying him up as best as you could. Subaru focused on the feeling of the soft fabric rubbing against his head, and then his neck and his arms.

“I'm gonna turn around and close my eyes. Meanwhile, please try to dry yourself properly and then put on this nightgown I found, okay?” you said, quickly turning around on your feet, not waiting for his input.

Subaru stared at your back for a moment, and began doing as he was told – the thoughts that were plaguing him calming down and silencing on your presence, as if you were a protective charm. His protective charm.

“I'm done” he muttered, hair still dripping, but mostly dry when it came to his whole body.

You sighed, looking at his wet mop of hair and began drying him again, in silence.

“I’m sorry for touching you” Subaru was the one who first broke the comfortable stillness between you two. 

“You know I’m not mad at you because of that, right?” you replied.

“You disappeared” he stares at you, the hurt in his eyes clear as spring water.

“I know, and I'm…” a beat passes by, longer than it actually was “I apologize. I know running away isn't the best approach, but that was all I came up with.”

Subaru stayed silent, as if he was waiting for you to complete your answer.

“It's just… I can imagine what you saw and I wasn't ready to discuss it yet.” you finished, shoulders slumping after you finish drying his hair.

Subaru moved a few strands of his brown hair away from his eyes.

“What do you think I saw?”

You glared at him, cocking an eyebrow at the question that sounded way too much like a tease.

“I don't think you’re in a position to ask questions like that, are you?” you replied, unintentionally snappy.

“Oh, I'm sorry… it truly wasn't my intention”

But it was Subaru that was standing before you, not anyone else. Truthfully, you knew he would never in a million lifetimes think of teasing you on purpose. It was one of the reasons why you ended up so lost in your feelings for him.

You sighed, more in frustration with yourself than anything else.

“I know, I’m just… Look, Subaru… I'm sorry too.”

It was his turn to raise his eyebrows, but in confusion.

“For what?”

You chewed on your bottom lip, avoiding his eyes even though you were standing so close to his sitting form that his whole presence overwhelmed you. 

“For putting this burden on you. I know you saw my… like…”

He waited yet again for you to finish.

“I know you saw my feelings for you.”

Subaru could immediately feel a warmth spread through his chest, cheeks and ears at your words. So he wasn't mistaken? So you liked him back? Truly?

“But I didn't want to burden you with them.”

The smile that was tugging at the corner of his lips suddenly dissolved into nothing.

“B-burden me?”

You pursed your lips, transferring your weight between your legs, back and forth, back and forth, anxiety clear on your face as you thought of how you could tell him what was on your mind.

“I didn't want to ruin what we have, I think? But there's no point in hiding now, right?” You chuckled nervously “I mean, you already know, but I really like you, Subaru. If I ruined our friendship because I got too greedy, I think I wouldn't be able to handle it.”

You looked at him, eyes swirling with emotion and, for a second, Subaru thought this could all be a dream – the only thing that confirmed otherwise being the uncomfortable chill of his body, a sign of a fever approaching.

“Everything you do… every interaction we have, I just get more and more in love” you cringed at how emotional your own words sounded “But I am so scared of your rejection. I think in part I was hoping you'd forget about that incident during my time away from you. I didn’t imagine you’d come after me.”

Subaru's heart beat drummed loudly and fast inside his chest, although he tried to keep it hidden (his face betrayed him, however).

“Did you think of me while you were away?” He managed to mutter.

“Are you kidding me?” you laughed, breathlessly “You were all I thought about this whole week.”

His ears burned red.

“I… thought about you all the time too.” he mumbled, gaze fixed on his own hands.

“What?”

He took a sharp breath and steadied himself, training his eyes on you as he spoke his next words.

“I'm so… I'm so sorry I'm not good with emotions and I'm sorry that it took me a whole week to understand things when I could have relieved you of this earlier but… I figured it out. I finally did.”

“Figured out what?” you tilted your head to the side and his chest warmed once again at the effortlessly cute gesture, giving him even more certainty to keep saying what he had to say.

“I like… no… I love you too.” he watched the way your eyes widened and darted all over his face, as if to search for a sign of truth behind his words.

“I am so blind and afraid of other people that it took me that long” he proceeded “But I know now. I.. I really do love you and I don't want to be away from you any longer. You don't have to stay away anymore. So please.” He got up from his seat and took a small step towards you “Please don't leave me behind like that anymore.”

You shook your head, tears welling up on your eyes, his intensity squeezing your lungs until you thought you could die, breathless, his eyes stealing every ounce of air from you.

“Subaru… Please… please don't tell me you're doing this to appease me.”

He paused.

The thought of you not believing in his words tugged a little at his heartstrings, but he also couldn't blame you. Not when he was so unsure of all of his feelings on a daily basis, towards everyone and everything, and you were the main witness of the way he clumsily stumbled his way into understanding himself.

He was absolutely sure of this, though.

“I'm not.” he said, voice steady as he looked at you.

“Because if you're saying this just because you want to keep me close, I would never be able to forgive you.” You looked away from him, pain over this imaginary scenario clouding your face. It was the time for him to extinguish your anxieties and insecurities for once.

“I'm not.” He took a step closer towards you.

“Please… don’t try to please me if you don't truly feel the same way.” You shut your eyes tightly, throat clenching as you felt the tears threaten to fall.

“Look at me.” He pleaded, and you hesitantly complied, breath hitching on your throat when you noticed how close he was standing to you “I promise you. I'm not.”

Subaru leaned forward, capturing your lips into a quick, chaste kiss, a fire burning on his cheeks at his own boldness.

He was still afraid of his stigma and how it would work with the other parts of his body besides his hands, but once he noticed he was still grounded in reality and not locked in another memory of yours, he got a bit bolder once again, and kissed you for just a little longer, lips melding together just a little more. The softness of your kiss made him sigh and his heartbeat deafened his ears. 

He tentatively rested his forehead on yours once the innocent kiss was broken.

The first thing he noticed was the warmth you radiated while he stood near you. Both of you had beet red faces and your minds were hazy, as if they were made of clouds.

You were the first to come back to reality and giggle at how overwhelmed both of you were with just a little kiss.

Slowly, hesitantly, your hand came up to cup his cheek, and he leaned into your touch like a cat.

“The stigma?” you whispered

“Not activated”

“Good.”

Your other hand came up to run your fingers through his hair, on his nose, on his chin. 

“Do you believe me now?” Subaru asked, wholeheartedly.

“Maybe, I think I'm going to need a few more kisses to fully believe you.” you smiled, teasing him a little bit.

“Really?” He leaned away to look at your eyes, still a bit worried he hadn’t convinced you yet.

“No” you snorted “I'm just joking.”

“Oh I see… sorry I didn't get it right away” he furrowed his brows, apologetically.

“I don't mind getting more kisses though!” you squeezed his shoulders, reassuring.

Subaru chuckled, still a bit flustered at your proximity. Suddenly, however, he scrunched his nose and stepped backwards.

“Subaru?”

“Oh. Oh, I think I'm gonna–” Subaru quickly turned around and sneezed into the towel that still hung on his shoulders “Oh-oh. I think I'm getting a bit sick.” he said, nasally, nose dripping a little bit as he sniffed loudly, back still turned towards you.

You fretted, hovering all around him as you scolded the poor boy.

“See! What did I tell you!” You quickly placed your hand on his forehead and gasped “Let's get you to bed right now, Subaru. You're already feverish!”

You pulled him quickly towards your room, hearing his wheezes as both of you climbed the stairs that led to your quarters.

“But I don't regret what I did” he stifled another sneeze “I needed to talk to you.”

You blushed, opening the door to your room, and glared at him.

“And now you're sick…”

You two climbed the stairs to your lofted bed and you pulled the covers, motioning for him to lay down.

He sat on your bed and looked at you, puppy eyes blinking his allergy tears away.

“But… it kinda looked like a movie thing, didn't it…?” he said, sheepishly.

You pushed him towards your pillows and covered him thoroughly, pouting a bit.

“I think it did…” you stared at the giddy smile that tugged on his lips and sighed, shaking your head.

“I'm going to be down there” you pointed to the bottom of your room “So if you need anything, I'll be here. I'll just grab you some water and medicine and come back quickly, okay?”

You got up, but as you began to leave, Subaru held your hand. His eyes were already droopy, the events of the day getting to him, along with the cold that was quickly racking his body.

“Are you going to start visiting me again?” he asked quietly.

You felt your heart skip a beat as you looked at his sleepy face, the question making you fall even deeper in love with the adorable boy in front of you, if that could be even possible.

You nodded.

“Everyday, for as long as you want me near you.” you said quietly as well.

He shifted on the bed, snuggling closer to the blankets, and closed his eyes, letting sleep wash over him.

“Forever, then.” he mumbled, and, soon afterwards, began snoring softly.

[countlessmoviethoughts]

Local Arcane fan remembers AUs so BOOM Arcane F1 AU

Also featuring long haired/bearded Jayce coming back from an injury (idk what it is yet…)

First up is Jayce, I will be making more art of both him and other Arcane characters, I’ve got a whole thing planned out in my head

He’s got pretty much the same relationship with the Kiramman family as he does in the show, with them sponsoring him through karting and feeder series. Caitlyn grew up watching him race and they’re super close, with him being part of the reason she became a driver (she’s a reserve for the Piltover team)

He met Viktor pretty early into his F1 career. Not sure of the details yet but it’s definitely similar to the show where they stumbled onto each other and kinda realize each other’s brilliance. Maybe Jayce is struggling with the transition to F1 and Viktor kinda helps him work through it, idk quite yet.

Him and Vi are teammates. They can be pretty competitive with each other, but honestly they cause more damage when they try to help each other out on track rather than when they battle…

This AU is still being fleshed out, and I’m gonna be playing fast and loose with certain parts of F1, like how certain roles work or how people get hired to certain jobs and like interpersonal relationships and stuff. I’m a huge fan of the sport but this is my AU and I do what I want :))

Hope y’all enjoy!

[bellshazes]

Taxonomy, like adultery, is a sin - but since it doesn't stop the Bdubs Patented Third Wheel Effect, we won't let it stop our categorizing its manifestations either.

The Third Wheel Effect

Bdubs has been engineering partnership and love triangles since his first SMP over a decade ago. In fact it's the consistency across such a long time that obscures the pattern's specifics: it's easy to tell he likes to play on jealousy and cast himself as a villain, but harder to look past the variations of who is pulled into what role obscures the fact that there's truly a small group of overlapping tropes where the players of each role may change, but fundamentally, it's the Third Wheel Effect all the way down.

The Tropes

WELCOME HOME, CHEATER: The earliest, but also the most flexible, as Bdubs is just as happy to have the B-Team in jeopardy because Genny caught him shacked up with Etho as he is to confront Doc for making out with Ren in his absence. As long as someone's mad with cause, it's good fun.

I NEVER LIKED HIM ANYWAY: In contrast to Welcome Home, Cheater, in this subset it's revealed the presumed original pair was a lie, and the third person has had his heart all along. The willingness of the surprised third party is mostly irrelevant to the high drama unfolding, probably under duress in a death game. In a certain light, the crumbling of Team BEST is not not this.

iS THIS A HAPPY COUPLE?: If you read the last description and thought it was missing handcuffs, you know where this is going. For some reason, partners are shaken up and new ones are established on the threat of death if they don't work together. Whether there's still lingering longing for the new third wheel is an open question. Oddly, tends to backfire with a karmic kind of irony, like Impulse and Bdubs' death in Double Life, or dying to your own bear trap anyway in Survival of the Fittest.

POWER STRUGGLE: Bdubs has a habit of appointing heads of state and then somehow acting affronted when he transitions from election champion to one of many civic advisors. Suddenly the subtext turns sharply toward not just governance but government affairs. The threatening third(s) may be or act oblivious to their alleged love triangle, like Cub's nonchalance at Bdubs' rage while they both worked for Mayor Scar.

THEY DON'T LOVE YOU LIKE I DO: Most often instigated directly by Bdubs, the triangle becomes a game of tug-o-war - or at least Bdubs sees it that way. This is especially likely as a result of a Power Struggle, although Etho gets a less angry, more angsty flavor of this in some Life seasons. Also plays very well with Welcome Home Cheater.

Conclusion

Although Etho is a focal point of many past and present love triangles, sometimes even instigating conflict related to them himself, Bdubs' pattern of needing a third wheel to flesh out relationship dynamics is both broader and more predictable than it might appear. Any combination of players who will yes-and him and let him be a little stupidly vindictive or encourage interpersonal drama is a valid combination. It's Etho happily playing into Bdubs' natural wheelhouse and drawing it out of him pre-emptively that adds to them being a pair with no set configuration but that is more enduring than any other alliances they've made over the years.

[whatwhywhowherewhen]

Been paying attention to c-dramas and finally understood the one-dimension villain trope. It awakened a brain cell I previously ignored. So Shen Qingqiu. He was a tropey scum villain because he had one actual trait (+scummy set dressing) which motivated him to attack the protag

Sorry. This gets a bit long:

We find out he actually had a complex inner world and a tragic backstory, making him no longer holder of a single negative trait. This is an important task Shen Qingqiu2.0 has to fulfill to flesh out the characters. Because one-dimensional scum villains are lazy writing and readers should look deeper

Which is why Old Palace Master, Linguang-jun, Qiu Jianluo, and Wu Yanzi are so fleshed out and complex. Obsessed with his student, scheming for power, siscon sadist, and greedy murderer are all very nuanced and unique traits... never seen before...

There is more thought behind them. "Everyone hates this guy but no one does anything about it" is very tropey. The other characters fit into their situation and the people's reactions to them are more realistic and thought out than PIDW's Shen Qingqiu, who is the kind of character that leaves you wondering how he even got the power he did without someone else doing him in

But that contrasts a lot of the analysis by fandom. The focus is not how fiction can examine institutionalized power structures and indulgent interpersonal relationships prop up cruelty and irresponsible behavior. Instead, the focus is "no one is 100% a bad guy" and are "can you condemn a person for what their trauma taught them?". While I enjoy those themes the text doesn't support it with 2 new scum villains revealed for each scum villain de-throned

The end result is something that feels more like passing blame up the chain rather than a clear message. It's not the Abuser's fault because we learned about him. So instead it was the Ones Who Abused Him.

[viperzerofsx]

why both Evangelion endings are the same and the Psychology behind them

A common long standing sentiment is that the last two episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion and the film End of Evangelion are at odds with one another. The idea goes that the ending of the TV show is an ending where Shinji accepts instrumentality and End of Evangelion he rejects it. By going over the psychological framework in the show I would like to show that Shinji definitely rejects instrumentality in both endings.

Though well know for its references to psychology, the first half of Evangelion mostly does not contain them save episode 4 Hedgehog's dilemma (which apparently was made out of production order). This part of the series builds characters and world building. The show has a fascinating ability to flesh itself out scene after scene without truly elaborating on anything. 

The first half of the show is quite compelling but it’s not exactly what the show would become. The November 1996 Newtype interview has lots of interesting insight. Namely director Anno claims he was not familiar with psychology before reading a book on a production break (interesting as a previous work of his GunBusters has a character named Freud Jung). 

“Ueno: "They say it's about psychoanalysis and personality seminars and stuff, but I've always had a strong interest in psychology in general, "

Anno: "Not at all."

Ueno: "Did you feel like you were heading in that direction while working on Eva?"

Anno: "Yes. It was natural.

I had never read any psychoanalysis books before. I only touched on it a little in my general education classes at university. It was the most interesting of them all."

Ueno: "So, somehow, a keyword or something like an interest stuck in my mind."

Anno: "Yes. I guess I wasn't that interested in humans. But when I started talking about myself, I wanted words to convey my story.

So, the words I thought were the easiest to use were psychological terms commonly used in society. And I started looking through books.

Until then, I never thought I'd be interested in psychology."” Newtype November 1996

He continues 

“Anno: "Episode 16 was the first time. I plunged directly into my own inner world. I'd tried expressing words through line drawings before.”

Episode 16 (apparently the first episode of the second half to enter production) is called Splitting of the Breast, this is a term from Psychoanalysis Melanie Klein’s theories. Klein founded a school called object relations theory, whereas classic Freudian theory is of biological drives, object relations is a theory where people develop via interactions with others and a drive for relation with others. Internal objects are our mental representations of others, parts of others, and sometimes things (and external object would be the actual thing). We form internal representations of others based on our repeated interactions with them. Further we develop a mental representation of ourselves in relation to these objects which influence our interpersonal relationships through our our lives.

These mental representations or internal objects are called UnconsciousPhantasy. The Ph to distinguish from fantasy, ordinary everyday daydreaming and imagination, fantasy is an consciousness process while phantasy is unconscious and underlies all mental activities. Our unconscious phantasy is our relationship with the objects formed by experience to develop the emotional and intellectual character of a person, their thoughts, dreams, and defense mechanisms.

For the most part mental representations take these forms

The object as perceived by the individual 

Self perception related to the object

Individuals relationship with the object

Or

Mom is a good object because she takes care of me

Because she takes care I must be good, have value

I love my mom

Alternatively 

Mom is a bad object she ignores me when I need her

Because she ignores me I must be bad and worthless 

I hate my mom

The infants mind however is limited due to the nature of infant cognition. When the child is born it is undifferentiated from the world around it. The first other person is the child’s mother. As the child is totally dependent on the mother for survival, the mothers breasts (or a bottle) provide life giving subsistence to the helpless child. The child internalizes the breast as a “good” internal object. However when the child’s needs are not met, when it’s hungry or scared and no one is around to feed or comfort or otherwise care for it, it internalizes a “bad” breast. Infants “split” objects because they are not yet able to understand ambiguity. The good aspects of an object and bad aspects of an object are seen as separate objects.

A good object is soothing and takes care of a child. In Psychoanalytic terms good objects are associated with the Life force, Libido, Eros the will to live. A child feels omnipotents with the good object (I cry the good object takes care of me).

A bad object is an anxiety producing object, an object that does not meet a vulnerable baby's needs. a child feels persecuted by the bad object it feels a loss of omnipotents by the object  not being around when needed making the child feel powerless. Bad objects are associated with Dustrudo, Thanatos, the Death drive, a desire to return to an inorganic state before the stresses of life. A child can’t handle these feelings and projects aggression at the bad object to reassert control.

This state of coping with the world is called the paranoid schizoid position, where good objects are “protected” by being split into bad objects. If a caregiver is adequate the child will move to what’s called the Depressive position. In that stage a child realizes the good and bad objects were the same the whole time. The child feels regret for its treatment of the bad object (which along with the good object is now a whole object) and fears losing its loved ones. 

Returning to Evangelion Episode 16 

Early in the episode during a routine test Shinji’s sync ratio surpasses Auska’s for the first time. Misato praises Shinji in an effort to improve his morale, angering Auska. Though never competitive Shinji has made it clear he pilots the Evangelion for his fathers praise and he takes the news well. During a train ride Shinji is a bit overly excited and some young children laugh at him causing distress.

Later the angel Leliel attacks, with his new found confidence Shinji charges in against orders and he and Eva unit 01 are absorbed by the Angel. Later Shinji awakes on what seems to be a train and senses a presence 

Shinji : Who? 

        Who?

Shinji ' : IKARI Shinji.

Shinji : It's me.

Shinji ' : I am you.

          One has another self inside within oneself.

          The Self is always consisted of two selves.

Shinji : Two ?

Shinji ' : The self who's actually watched by others and 

         the self who wathces itself.

         IKARI Shinji in your mind.

         IKARI Shinji in KATSURAGI Misato's mind.

         IKARI Shinji in Souryuu Asuka's mind.

         IKARI Shinji in AYANAMI Rei's mind.

         IKARI Shinji in IKARI Gendou's mind.

        Any IKARI Shinji is differnt from each other,

        but each of them is true IKARI Shinji.

        You're afraid of IKARI Shinji in other's mind.

Leliel takes the form of a young Shinji, from around the time he was abandoned by his father. He tells Shinji that he has an internal Object of himself and others have an Internal Object of him. Shinji is afraid of what the others think of him because he certainly doesn’t think highly of himself.

Shinji : I'm afraid of being hated.

Shinji : You hate to be hurt.

        Who's bad ?

        Father is bad.

        Father who deserted me.

Shinji : I am bad.

-

(flashback)

Asuka : This way you always think yourself bad!

        That is "self-punishing."

-

(flashback)

Shinji : Heck, it's me who can do nothin'.

Misato :It's you that think you can do nothing?

-

(flashback)

Rei : Don't you trust your father ?

-

(flashback)

Shinji : (thought) I think I hate father. But I'm not sure.

-

(flashback)

Gendou : Well done, Shinji.

-

Shinji : Father called me by my name.

        I was praised by that my father.

Leliel tries to tell Shinji that Gendo is no good but Shinji is reluctant and points the negativity at himself. Shinji originally disliked Gendo but since he praised him Gendo is a “Good Object” who brings Shinji validation and comfort.

Shinji ' : You'll live with chewing the cub of the pleasure.

Shinji : If I trust this word, heck, I can live on from now on.

Shinji ' : ... by deceiving yourself ?

Leliel points out this is no way for anyone other then an infant to live. Holding up with your “good objects” while ignoring the bad is immaturity.

live.

Shinji ' : Unless you continue to think you may not change yourself,

         you can't live on.

Shinji : There're too many pains in this world for me to live.

Shinji ' : For example, you cannot swim ? 

Shinji : Human aren’t made to float.

Shinji : It's self-decetion.

Shinji : I don't care whatever you refer to it.

Shinji : You have been closing your eyes and turning your ears deaf 

        against anything you did not want to know.

-

(flashback from the episode 3)

Kensuke : Sorry, but his younger sister was ...

-

(flashback from the episode 4)

Misato : This is not your business to care others!

-

(flashback from the episode 1 )

Gendou : Get Out!

-

Shinji : No, I don't want to hear that!

Shinji' : Hey, you run away again.

        No one  can live on with linking things one enjoys like 

        the rosary.

        Particularly, I cannot.

Shinji : I found one thing I enjoy.

        Am I wrong if I do the thing enjoyable?

--

To summarize, Shinji hates himself because of his neglectful upbringing. For the first time in his life he’s gotten some measure of praise and he’s determined to hold on to it even at the expense of ignoring the still harsh realities of his life. This however is not resolved in this episode. Evangelion 01 goes berserk at the last minute saving Shinji and killing Leliel.

The last two episodes take place during the human instrumentality project, the goal of Seele and Shinji’s father Gendo. Gendo describes instrumentality 

Gendou:         No,

                It's not that everything returns to nothingness.

                It's nothing but returning everything to the begining.

                Nothing but returning things to the mother which

                has long since been lost.

                All the minds become one mind, obtaining peace forever.

                Nothing but that.

If mother is the first other this is before that, before polarizing good and more importantly bad objects that cause pain. Frued called the pre object faze “The Oceanic Feeling” a feeling of oneness with everything, inspired by Hindu mystics of his time. 

Shinji:         What feeling is this?

                That is what I feel like I experienced before.

                My body seems like dispearing.

                Agreeable.

                I feel like spreading, and becoming large,

                to here, there and everywhere.

Evangelion references Kabbalah but any nonduelistic mysticism would give the same point. If our bad feelings about ourselves comes from our relationship with others who we need to feel good, instrumentality seeks to merge all souls into one to avoid those negative aspects.

Shinji lost his mother at a young age and his father was neglectful and abandoned him. He has feelings of worthlessness because of this. Piloting an Eva was the first time in his life he was needed and praised, the first time he had a sense of value. He doesn’t however like doing it and is aware one day he will not be needed as an Eva pilot. The Angels will be defeated and then what need will anyone have of him? He runs away from this.

-

                        You pilot Eva for the sake of others?

-

Shinji:         Yes!

                That is a good thing.

                That is a very good thing.

                Everyone prases me, then.

Asuka:          That's a lie.

Shinji:         What?

Asuka:          You idiot?

                After all, it's for the sake of oneself.

Shinji:         Eh?

Asuka:          And you excuse yourself as usual.

Shinji:         Do I?

Asuka:          To think that you are doing your best for the sake of others

                is itself an easy way to live.

Shinji:         Is that so?

-

Asuka:          In other words, you are lonely, Shinji.

-

Shinji:         Is that so?

Asuka:          That's nothing but a dependent or symbiotic relationship.

Shinji:         That might be.

Asuka:          All you wish is that people depend on you.

Shinji:         That might be.

Asuka:          All you do is to wait for someone's giving you a happiness.

                A false happiness.

Rei:            That's the very thing you do.

Asuka:          WOW.

—

Later

Shinji:         I was praised by people!

                But, not happy.

Rei:            Which is your true mind?

Shinji:         I don't know, or, both of them are my true minds.

Misato:         So piloting Eva.

Shinji:         I have nothing but Eva.

Rei:            Otherwise you cannot keep yourself?

Misato:         It's true that Eva Unit One is part of your mind.

Ritsuko:        If you depend on Eva too much,

                Eva itself will be yourself.

Ryouji:         Eva will be all of yourself.

Misato:         The true yourself will be nowhere.

Shinji:         It's OK. I've had nothing from the begining.

                I've been learning cello, but results nothing.

Asuka:          I did not try to do from your side.

Shinji:         But, now that I can pilot Eva.

Asuka:          And, when you lost Eva, you can do nothing, like me.

                        Why pilotting Eva?

Shinji:         Because it's all of me.

Auska’s mother killed herself when she was young. Similar to Shinji Auska pilots the Eva for others not to abandon her, while at the same time wanting to be completely independent and unhurtable. She tries to validate this adultness by making romantic moves toward an adult man Kaji and to an extent Shinji who is also a prodigy Eva pilot (a cornerstone of her identity) but also seemingly meek and passive, giving an extreme love hate relationship between them.

Rei is the soul of Lilith in a cloned body of Yui, she has no past or upbringing and has very little self concept, only kept going by pacing moments of kindness from Gendo and later Shinji. She seeks death, a return to a simpler state but waivers in the attachments she’s made with others. Rei has begun to understand she has developed a self image from her time with others

Rei:            I am I.

                I've become me in the instrumentality of the links

                between me and others.

Rei:            I've been formed by the intercouse with others.

Rei:            The intercouse with people and the flow of time change

                the shape of my mind.

-

                        Those are bonds?

-

Rei:            Yes. Those've formed me so far, the thing called Ayanami Rei.

                And, those will form me from now on.

-

                        Those are bonds?

-

She no longer just wants to die but wonders if her new humanity is compatible with her true nature.

Misato seemed to have a normal relationship with her mother but had a very strained one with her father who later died saving her. Misato as a result has a much more stable personality save her odd relationships with men. She falls in love with Kaji a man she notes is very similar to her father, she breaks up with him because of this but then years later they meet again and get back together in short time. Before he comes back and again after his death Misato is also flirty and inappropriate with Shinji who is only 14 while she is 29.

Misato:         You tried to find a peace on Kaji-kun's face.

Misato:         NO!

Misato:         You tried to find a peace in Kaji-kun's kindness.

Misato:         NO!

Misato:         You tried to find your father in Kaji-kun's arms.

Misato:         NO!

-

Misato:         YES.

                I found the father within Kaji-kun back then.

                So fleed from him.

                I feared.

                He was just like my father.

                But, it was because I was happy,

                It was a joy.

                It was truly a enjoyable joy!

                So did I hate.

                So did I separate.

Ryouji:         No reason to begin a love, but a reason to end the love.

Misato:         You are kind enough,

                You are kind enough to, I hope, make me dirty.

Ryouji:         Don't hurt yourself only because you hate yourself now.

                That's only to cheat yourself by momentally punishing yourself.

                Don't do that.

Misato:         And "you must take care of yourself" say you?

-

Misato:         Guys always do so.

                And Guys work, and Guys go into their world,

                leaving me behind.

Misato:         Just like my father.

Misato:         Always trying to escape from the hardships in the reality.

                Hardship in the reality?

                It's me?

                It's me.

                Yes. It's me.

                It's inevitable.

-

Shinji:         Stop, Misato-san.

-

Misato:         I'm desparate of myself.

                I hate myself!

-

Misato:         Impure.

                Dirty!

-

Ritsuko:        Badlooking.

-

Misato:         Mean! Dirty!

                Is that the adults' intercourse? I really hate that!

-

Makoto:         Congratulations for you promotion. Major Katsuragi.

-

Misato:         The me appreciated is the me who is trying

                to play to be appreciated.

                It's not the true me.

Misato:         The true me is always crying.

We see Kaji brought out the “Good object” of Misato’s father (the one that saved her in the second impact) and this is what attracted her to him. However, being aware of the similarities brought out the “bad object” the father that neglected her during her childhood and made her mother cry.

As instrumentality continues and the internal objects converse (this is the me in your mind and the you in my mind). Shinji is taken through the early parts of the object relations individualization process. He’s taken too a pre object world, before any others.

Shinji:         What? The world with nothing. The world with nobody.

Shinji:         The world of freedom.

Shinji:         Freedom?

Shinji:         The world of freedom that would never be restrained by anybody.

Shinji:         Is this Freedom?

Shinji:         Yes. The world of freedom.

Rei:            As the result, there's nothing.

Shinji:         unless I think.

Misato:         Yes, unless you think.

Shinji:         What's the hell! I don't know what I should do.

Rei:            You are uneasy.

Asuka:          You don't have your own image.

Shinji:         Too vague.

Misato:         Everything is vague.

                        That's freedom.

This is the world of an infant at birth, simple experience. Then they introduce an other

Gendou:         I give you an unfreedom.

Asuka:          Now that you have top and bottom.

Rei:            Now that you lost one degree of freedom.

Misato:         Now that you have to stand on the bottom.

Ryouji:         But you obtain a confort.

Makoto:         You get slightly easier in your mind.

Shigeru:        And you walk.

Maya:           That is your will.

Shinji:         Is this my will?

Ritsuko:        The world with the bottom is the world surrounding you.

Touji:          Yet, you can move freely.

Kensuke:        If you wish, you can change the position of the world.

Hikari:         The position of the world does not keep the same position.

Ryouji:         That changes through the time flow.

You can also change.

Gendou:         The things that forms you are your own mind and

                the world surrounding yourself.

Ritsuko:        Since this is your own world.

Misato:         The real figure that you conceive.

                        That is the reality.

The ground allows Shinji to see himself in relation to it. He also learns his perspective, his Phantasy can be changed. But Shinji realizes something is wrong.

This is the world with nothing, the space with nothing,

                the world with nothing.

                The world with nothing but me.

                I am getting  less understand myself.

                I feel as if I am going to disappear.

                My existence is fading away.

                        Why?

Misato:         Because there's nobody but you.

Shinji:         Nobody but me?

Misato:         Because you have no existence but of yourself,

                You can't figure out your own shape.

Shinji:         My shape?

                        My image.

Misato:         Yes. You are getting to know your own shape through

                seeing others' shape.

Asuka:          Seeing others' wall, you imagin yourself.

Rei:            You cannot see yourself unless there are others.

Shinji:         Because there are others, I can exist.

                If alone, I am always alone at anywhere.

                The world is entirely by my ..

Misato:         By cognizing the difference between you and others,

                you form the image of yourself.

Rei:            The very first other person is your mother.

Asuka:          Your mother is a different person from you.

Shinji realizes it’s the social relation with others, how they treat him forms his self image, his expectations for how he’ll be treated. Rei and Auska like Klein point out Mother is the first other person, the one who starts individualization.

Shinji then sees a world where he has a more well adjusted Phantasy and lives a normal life. He realizes his limited view of himself and others can be changed. 

——

Shinji:         The real world might not always be bad.

                Yet, I hate myself. 

Makoto:         It's your mind that conceives that the reality is bad

                and hateful.

—- 

He comes to realize it’s possible for him to love himself 

Shinji:         I hate myself.

                But, I might be able to love myself.

                I might be allowed to stay here.

                Yes. I am nothing but I.

                I am I. I wish to be I.

                I wish to stay here as do I.

                I can stay here as do I!

What is important though Shinji experience pure instrumentality where others did not exist and he had no existence. He found this unacceptable and decided a better course of action was to find a healthier view of him. Loving himself as an individual or others is an inherent rejection of instrumentality which the self image cannot exist.

——

Now End of Evangelion

The movie begins, Shinji has lost almost everyone and is alone. He goes to Auska in the hospital, he sees her not because he’s worried but because he has no one else. In a comma Auska can’t respond. Shinji lashes out and does something terrible.

Though the TV ending is quite upbeat, Klein's psychology is quite dark and violent. As mentioned above the death drive plays a major role in Klein, infants who don’t have their needs met by their environment and caretakers feel anxiety and project the death drive, lash out in aggression. In Evangelion when an Eva loses control or Ritsko destroys the dummy Rei, or during the third impact the computer monitors will often read high levels of destrudo. 

—

Psychograph signal down! 

Destrado has begun to manifest! 

The pilot's ego won't be able

to take much more of this. 

No more. 

I can't take it anymore.

—

Rei who speaks of wishing to return to nothing is the living personification of the death drive, while kaworu (music is the highest achievement of Lillian culture) is Libeto or the life force.

Third impact begins with Shinji at his absolute lowest point in the series, having done something horrible to Auska and then watch her get killed. The image of Kaworu however provides him some brief comfort and he enters his internal world. He sees himself as a child with two doll looking girls that look like Rei and Auska, they build a sand castle of Nerv HQ together. Their mother (who is Misato) collects them and Shinji is left alone with no one. Alone, neglected, and his needs not met, Shinji destroys the Castle, lashing out violently, a taste of what’s to come. Shinji then seems flashes and images of Misato, Auska, and Rei. Importantly he sees sides of them unfamiliar, and more importantly not pleasure granting to him

—-

Does Misato really

do things like that?

Yes, this is also me.

The me that exists

when two hearts are joined as one.

The me that

Shinji has never known.

Reality can be painful,

but it's something that

you must learn to accept.

His internal objects of the women reject and accuse him

If I can't have you all to myself,

then I don't want anything from you. 

Then, try being nice to me. 

We are nice to you. 

Liars! 

You're just hiding

behind those smiles, 

intentionally keeping

things ambiguous! 

Because the truth causes

everyone pain... 

because the truth is very,

very traumatic. 

But ambiguity only

causes me more pain. 

That's just an excuse. 

But it scares me, 

because I don't know if everyone

will stop wanting me again. 

I feel awkward and uneasy.

Let me hear your voice! 

Don't leave me! 

Please care about me!

—

 In this sequence Shinji basically admits everything. He wants them for comfort, but he can’t handle ambiguity. The world is only black and white, good pleasure granting objects or total abandonment, no room for real people and their nuance. Shinji goes to an image of Auska on the night they kissed. He tries to be their for her but she doesn’t buy it and calls him out as someone who only wishes to avoid pain. Shinji Chokes Auska and the third impact begins.

—

No one understands me.

You never understood anything.

I thought this was supposed

to be a world without pain,

and without uncertainty.

That's because you thought that

everyone else felt the same as you do.

You betrayed me!

You betrayed my feelings!

You misunderstood

from the very beginning.

You just believed

what you wanted to believe.

Nobody wants me,

so they can all just die.

Then what is your hand for?

Nobody cares whether or not I exist.

Nothing ever changes,

so they can all just die!

Then tell me,

what is your heart for?

It would be better

if I never existed.

I should just die, too.

Then why are you here?

Is it okay for me to be here?

(Silence)

—-

The ultimate Childish lashing out of the Death Drive, Shinji forces the human race to a Preobject state, where they are all indescribable from one another. Notably in the final moments of third impact Shinji can hear the voices of the girls rejecting him. Shinji immediately rejects the world he created for much the same reason as the show

—

Ayanami. 

Where are we? 

This place is a sea of LCL. 

The primordial soup of life. 

A place with no AT Fields,

where individual forms do not exist. 

An ambiguous world... 

where you cannot tell

where you end and others begin. 

A world where

you exist everywhere... 

and yet you're nowhere,

all at once. 

Is this death? 

Not quite. This is a world

where we are all one. 

This is the world you wished for. 

But this isn't right.

This feels wrong. 

If you wish for others to exist, 

the walls of their hearts

will separate them again. 

They will all feel fear once more. 

Okay then. 

Thank you. 

I only felt pain

when I existed in that reality. 

So I thought

it was alright to run away. 

But there was nothing good

in the place I escaped to either. 

Because I didn't exist there,

and so no one existed. 

Is it alright for the AT Field

to cause you and others pain again? 

I don't mind. 

—

Having a world without others is a world with no self concept, which isn’t what Shinji real wanted either.

Reality exists in a place unknown,

and dreams exist within reality.

And truth lies in your heart.

The contents of a person's heart

shapes their appearance.

And new images will change

their hearts and their forms.

 The power of imagination is

the ability to create your own future,

and the power to create

your own flow of time.

Shinji rejects instrumentality and decides even if he doesn’t know how to be happy it’s better than losing himself. He returns to earth, the violent destructiveness of the rest of the film is replaced by a sad melancholy as he says goodbye to Yui his mother and Eva unit one.

The final scene is a microcosm of the movie. Titled “I need you” the hidden tagline of the film (and likely Gendo’s secret line) Auska returns to the beach Shinji is on. He starts strangling her like before, she puts her hand on his face, Shinji stops and cries. As mentioned before the depressive position is the next state when the Child realizes the good and bad object were the same all along. They feel regret over their treatment of the object. Shinji can finally understand ambiguity about others and ultimately himself and can move on from Black and White thinking.

To summarize, Shinji had a black and white view of himself and other people because of his neglectful upbringing. He had no sense of value for himself and saw others as either sources of validation. In both endings Instrumentality offered an ultimate retreat but Shinji found his loss of self unexceptionable and chose to reject instrumentality and mature.

[olderthannetfic]

Re: Boku no Hero and the ending debacle.

I can't really agree with other anon more. The people who wanted bkdk and tgck together keep forgetting what the demographic/genre for the things they like. There was another ask on here some time ago basically saying something along the lines of "Just because you like something doesn't mean the target demographic or genre magically changes." Yeah. That's it. Sure, there are some queer relationships in battle shonen, like Sensui in YYH, but there are so few that it's still pretty laughable to expect that to occur in every battle shonen, especially one from WSJ. Yeah, Deku and Bakugou's relationship is the most developed because it's a staple of the genre/demographic category. It comes from old stories like Water Margin and Romance of the Three Kingdoms that emphasize the interpersonal dynamics and loyalties between men in an idealized fashion. In RotTK, there's even a scene where Liu An sacrifices and feeds his wife to Liu Bei, and this is presented as a heroic, filial, honorable action. The relationships between men and women, even if they're already husband and wife, aren't as important as those between men. It's just a staple of the genre, and things like battle shonen and seinen carry on the torch. It's not even like the epilogue says Deku and Ochako have a little mini van full of kids. They're just going to likely flirt and date. What's wrong with it? Again, it's a battle shonen. It's made for 12 year old boys with the expectation that very few want to read about romance--which they don't! It doesn't matter if Deku and Ochako have a deeply fleshed out relationship because it's not as necessary to sell to the demographic, unfortunately, because one is a woman.

Still, bkdk was never going to become canon. Just like sns, or any HQ!! ship, or anything between Mikey and Takemicchi, etc. never became canon. What you guys want is fantasy action bl. Read that. There's plenty of it. It's not even hard to find with the internet nowadays.

--

[aurumalatus]

i admit i've done a little bit of writing on a pixelprincess longfic, but the tone of it is much more dark and serious than the other stuff i've done for the au so far (though that's not saying much ig lol). i imagine that kinich and the princess go seeking out the heroes as allies after the castle falls to the abyss, but in particular, i want to give the other heroes a bit more interpersonal conflict and depth than the actual game does.

natlan aq spoilers below cut plus potential spoilers for "may never see the light of day" pixelprincess longfic if you care HAHA

in my au, i imagine that chasca used to be a member of the guard. her sister's dream was to be a doctor for the castle, so she joined the guard to stay close to her (ever protective).

and, when chuychu dies in a battle, chasca snaps.

it's not uncommon for members of the guard to fall to abyssal corruption—in the years before the siege, it seems to happen every other week. kinich sees it often. he's rather desensitized to the whole ordeal by now, for better or worse.

he'll mourn his allies, but at the end of the day, it is his duty to serve.

but when he goes to chasca, telling her about chuychu, telling her how her sacrifice won't be in vain, chasca loses it. because there shouldn't have been any sacrifice to be had at all.

kinich is the one to subdue chasca when the corruption almost takes over, and she officially quits the guard after that. she holds a lot of survivor's guilt after that, as well as resentment toward kinich (though she knows deep down it's misdirected).

it adds some complication to the situation when kinich seeks chasca out, obviously respecting her power and ability. because although she would never side with the abyss, it forces her to reckon with chuychu's death once again.

ororon is another complicated one. he's like kinich, having grown up orphaned on the streets due to his circumstances, but unlike kinich, he had no one to guide him. he holds it against the crown, because he grew up seeing so many like him, so many that had nowhere to go and ended up empty-handed.

though he isn't on the side of the abyss, he's hesitant to join kinich and the princess because he doesn't really believe in them. he sees the princess as someone who doesn't understand the commonpeople at all, and as such, she wouldn't know the first thing about relieving them of the current abyssal conflict.

idk man i just really wanna explore some of the interpersonal relationships between the heroes, more than them just being acquaintances. also maybe none of this makes sense because i haven't fleshed it out completely yet LOL but i'm just braindumping here

[beevean]

@hypermascbishounen hope you don't mind if I save these comments because you explained very well one of the core, yet subtle issues with NFCV

I'm thinking now of all the interpersonal conflicts in NFCV; and they're all... lacking.

Dracula vs. the Church: the Bishop dies at the end of Blue Fangs. Indirectly, Dracula got his revenge, but obviously this amounts to little since Dracula is furious at mankind and the Bishop was ultimately small potatoes.

Trevor vs. Alucard: the idea is that they're rivals and foils in true CV fashion. The reality is that Alucard is a dry cunt to Trevor for petty reasons like "wah the vampire hunters hunt vampires :(" or "I'm insecure that I made the right choice :(". Anyway, this is resolved by the two fighting Dracula together, then Alucard is ditched until the end. Riveting.

Alucard vs. Dracula: as pointed out in the past, Alucard feels less heartbroken over having to kill his only remaining parent, and more displeased that the Science Man was pushed to be evil. I don't care if Dracula cries that he's killing his boy because we aren't even granted one flashback to flesh out their relationship.

Dracula vs. everyone: he's depressed and apathetic. If he doesn't give a shit, why should we?

Bonus: Dracula has no personal connection to the Belmonts. Trevor isn't even the one who kills him.

Hector vs. Isaac and Dracula: what relationship? They sit around calling him the R-slur, and he has no idea that they resent him so much. He himself only remembers Isaac exists when he needs him. Isaac has very little reason to hate Hector after Dracula's death, since Carmilla, Dracula and he did way more damage. (this makes their reconciliation in S4 hollow and forced)

Hector vs. Carmilla: unresolved. Lenore replaces her in S3, and Hector barely contributes to the final battle against Carmilla - he stays behind to coddle Lenore. Carmilla herself only sees Hector as a defective tool, and is barely concerned about him stalling.

Isaac vs. the Magician: who gives a shit? The Magician is nothing more than a deus ex machina to give Isaac what he wants.

Trepha vs. the cult that wants to resurrect Dracula: this one's a decent conflict, although the cult is more of an obstacle obviously.

Alucard vs. the twins: the relationship is superficially nice, but the betrayal comes so out of nowhere that it really feels like shock value. The indication that he would have fallen into misanthropy due to the trauma goes unresolved, he got better offscreen.

Hector vs. Lenore: as I said, Hector has no reason to oppose Lenore since he has no moral qualms about working for vampires and she would have given him what he wanted. She still tricks him for shock/humiliation purposes. The betrayal has no fallout whatsoever, the two become besties like nothing happened. Even Lenore's suicide comes out of nowhere, she expresses the desire with no gravitas, and he let her die with barely any torment.

Lenore vs. the Council: kind of? I am very generous in interpreting Lenore resorting to raping Hector because she feels insecure in her methods. She whines a lot about feeling sidelined in S4, but we see very little of it. Carmilla yells at her a bit, and she immediately spirals into "she lied to meeee :<". The two are actually excellent foils when it comes to their methods and objectives, but they don't butt heads about it.

Isaac vs. Carmilla: in theory they should have a personal reason to fight, since Carmilla was the one who eventually lead to Dracula's death. But the fight takes place after Isaac let go of Dracula, and is now simply playing hero stopping the villain from conquering the world. She, naturally, doesn't give a shit about him since the dude has the presence of a log in S2.

Trevor vs. Death: again, Death at this point is more of an obstacle than someone who matters personally to Trevor.

since you mentioned game Richter and his conflict with his family legacy: hey you know how Trevor has trauma over his family being killed when he was a kid because considered enemies of the Church? No? That's okay, the show didn't either, he finished his arc in S1 and that's it :D

To this, add another complaint I had, that friendships and romantic relationships are all banter (some of it even rather mean), no warmth.

It really is pathetic when compared to the gripping, interwoven relationships in the games. Juste and Maxim, Hector and Isaac, Shanoa and Albus, even Leon and Mathias for what little we see of them, they would all eat this for breakfast. The show pretends to be moved by characters, but honestly, it feels more moved by dialogue, which is very different.

(Nocturne is a little better. While Sun Thundercat is a pathetic villain and giving Richter the dead mom trauma is lazy as hell, at least we have more interpersonal conflicts: Richter vs. Olrox, Maria vs. the Abbot, Tera vs. Sun Thundercat, Annette vs. Vaublanc. The characters themselves are very paper thin, though)

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Book Review #9 – The Devourers by Indra Das

I was recommended this as an example of a contemporary work where werewolves are actually treated as monstrous and horrifying instead of either romance fodder or one interchangeable variety of supernatural in an urban fantasy kitchen sink. In one sense that was a blatant lie (the monsters are only werewolves in the vaguest sense), but in another one I care about much more it fit the bill perfectly. Funnily enough it basically is a romance (or at least, the overarching framing narrative is), but for once I’m not complaining about that. Excellent read, though does require a bit of a strong stomach.

The framing narrative follows Alok, a history professor in Kolkata whose approached by a mysterious stranger at a festival. The stranger identifies himself as a half-werewolf, an immortal man-eating shapechanger. In between being mysterious and menacing and flirting with Alok, he hires him to transcribe and digitize two historical werewolf manuscripts – journals etched into parchment made from human skin. Those journals are the meat of the narrative, and it rapidly becomes clear they are written by the stranger’s parents; first the ancient norse werewolf who had wandered all the way to the banks of the Yamuna, then the human woman he fell into something like love with and raped as she travels alongside one of his former packmates and hunts him down.

The framing device is the emotional heart of this, and incredibly well interwoven with the manuscript sections. It’s fundamentally a romance, though one somewhat interestingly devoid of real conflict or plot (well, from Alok’s perspective. There’s a whole emotional journey with him going from ‘future food’ to ‘romantic partner’, he just only gets small glimpses of it). There’s I think one real argument or point of conflict between the two of them across the entire book? And maybe one or two points besides that where Alok or their relationship encounters genuine difficulty or danger. Despite that, and despite (or perhaps because of) the ambiguous ending, it all just very much worked for me.

It’s also interesting – and the book does really call this out – that the whole plot is essentially arbitrary. The inciting incident is just a werewolf being angsty and lonesome, and the entire story and all its stakes are strictly interpersonal with nary an epochal revelation or looming existential doom to be seen. It is a sign of how much of my reading diet is genre fiction that this felt like a massive breath of fresh air, I think.

Speaking of love – the book is deeply and intensely preoccupied with the closeness of and overlaps between love and sex and pain and violation and consumption and death. Werewolves consume souls and memories as well as flesh, knowing and even becoming (for a time) those they hunt. This extends to each other as well – regeneration means mating and fighting to the death is an impossibly thin an frequently crossed line, and intimacy and memories are shared by literally allowing someone to take a bit out of you. Izrail kills and consumes both his mother and his father, and this is the only way he ever truly knows either of them. Both he and his father have fallen in love with whole strings of humans across the ages, and each been the ruin of all but one of them. This extends into the use of language as well – I didn’t take notes as I read, but the example that sticks in my mind was the description of one werewolf pressing a mush of chewed flesh into the mouth of another so he might heal as being ‘like a gentle kiss’.

It is just an intensely gory book in general, really. Or not even gory so much as carnal, in the older broader sense. There’s blood and viscera and sweat and sex and piss and shit and tallow made from human fat and game animals eaten bloody and raw. All of it seamlessly intermixed in one richly detailed and incredibly pungent sensory world the book conjures up for you.. This is taken to an extreme whenever the primordial god-monsters that are a shapeshifter’s second soul appears on screen, but even beyond that – like when I say you need a bit of strong stomach to enjoy the book, I really don’t’ just mean in terms of violence.

This ties in a bit with the lack of grand, world-shaking stakes I mentioned but – the book makes excellent use of its period piece sections to really sell this feeling of the weight of history and of being caught up in the wake of events larger than you can perceive. The 17th century sections really nail the sense of the past as its own living, breathing world full of richness and contradictions, rather than just a slate for the present’s psychodrama. Also it’s possibly the first book I’ve ever read which really mentioned the surprisingly widespread and violent history of werewolf hunts in Europe, which I appreciated.

The shapeshifters (werewolves, rakshassa, djinn, ghuls) themselves are absolutely great. Horrifying and disgusting and sublime, with exactly as much detail given as the story needs without succumbing to rpg splatbook syndrome. The idea of werewolves as things which are deliberately created through a(n incredibly violent and traumatizing) ritual process is one I don’t think I’ve seen before? It works here, anyway – though instead of a hereditary curse or contagious infection, it leaves shapeshifters feeling like one of those elite, elevated fraternities who put new inductees through a hell of physical, social and sexual violence for hazing and indoctrination purposes (the usual modern versions being military units, sports teams, and just actual fraternities). Which ties into all those themes of the fine line between love and violence, I suppose.

Or well, not technically fraternity – werewolves are all functionally genderfuild (can take a big nap and wake up looking like whoever they ate last) and while their second selves can fuck I’m not sure either human genders or, like, genital arrangements apply to them. But 3/4 of the werewolves who get any lines are one caricature or another of masculinity and this absolutely informs how the condition and culture are presented. So like, I’ll just go with it.

Anyway, great book! And ‘abuse regeneration by sewing dozens upon dozens of bones and trophies taken from prey into your skin’ is a great look for a werewolf’s human form.

[silverspadesss]

been enjoying playing suzerain recently and when i tell you i have never needed a TV adaptation of any piece of media more in my life. i need to see these characters be Voiced and Acted, need to see the fleshing out of the interpersonal relationships between them, need to see the world of the game further brought to life, need to see the complex political machinations of the plot fully fleshed out in front of my eyeballs. but most importantly, i need to be able to edit lucian galade to brat.