#or after when nightmare was still shakey in comment.

[ancha-aus]

Gifted Drabble - NewAgeAU - The Eclipse

I am back again and I got a big boy drabble for you today @spotaus

After the amazing drabble they did about Nightmare losing the magic. I decided it was about time I tried my hands at the event that brought forth the magic!

Also we are back to Ccino POV. I don't know what it is about him in this series I just love him dearly and adore his POV. Once we move more into the story I will probably do other people's POVs haha.

Warnings! We are in for a rough time because Ccino never has it easy and that is like 90% my fault. There is past abuse, past starvation, victim blaming (kinda), there is gaslighting, there is manipulation. Implied future abuse.

There is a lot and I need you to be aware of this.

Also... It... may be a bit long? As in 10K words long. So... just so you know it is long. With that out of the way! Lets Go!

*--------------------------------------*

Ccino isn’t sure what to feel. He knows he should be proud and feel excited. Today was the twin’s birthdays. They were finally turning thirteen. Something everyone in the kingdom has been excited for for the last few years as this day grow closer.

Ccino sighs as he feels his body shake. Even as he makes sure that Nightmare’s outfit is spotless. It is a beautiful light yellow. It will fit in perfectly amongst the golden and yellow decorations but Ccino can only assume it is on purpose. To show Nightmare’s rank and position as prince as Dream ascends. To see they belong together and are connected by their bond as twins.

Nightmare frows as he tugs on his shelves. Ccino gently takes his hand and removes it from the soft fabric “Hey. It is okay my prince.” He puts the sleeves back in place and is happy to note there are no ruffles.

Nightmare frowns as he turns his skull away. Ccino frowns as he makes sure the outfit is perfect.

Nightmare mutters “Still think they are stupid for making you wear pink…”

Ccino blinks and looks down at his undershirt. It is a very soft light pink and there are yellow accents. He smiles as he twists his skull a bit to enable himself to look better at Nightmare “Really? Why is that my prince?”

Nightmare shrugs and mutters “Pink doesn’t suit you… beige is better.”

Ccino smiles “I do love the neutral and nature colours… But your brother was allowed to pick everything for his big day.” And it was only fitting that the new king’s gift was exactly as he wanted-

Ccino shakes his skull. He needs to stop thinking about it like that. He isn’t the one who matters here.

Nightmare is anxious. Nightmare’s twin is about to be crowned and become king. Complete this mysterious ritual. Ccino had to be there for him. Nightmare had found information and mentions about this great sacrifice and pain. Something that Dream had to do or experience to ascend to godhood.

Nightmare had come to him near tears. Terrified his brother would be hurt by this ritual that was going to happen no matter what. Nightmare had said he had tried to warn Dream but Dream just told him he was nervous and that everything would be okay. That Dream would become a god like their mother and Dream would rule their kingdom.

Nightmare had spoken about how he had gone to his mother with his worries but Nim just dismissed him. That Nim had just told him he was seeing things wrong again and that he was letting silly ideas get the better of him again.

Ccino isn’t surprised she was like that. Nim is just like that. A terrible and horrible-

Ccino stops himself. He can never be sure what she knows and what she doesn’t.

Instead, even back when Nightmare came to him, he concentrated on helping Nightmare. Helping him calm down before looking at what he had found.

Ccino wasn’t even sure what it was but he knew… he knew that Nightmare was correct. This magic, this ritual it is dangerous.

But there is nothing Ccino could do to help him. Ccino doesn’t know magic. He can’t even do magic. He knows nothing about magic or what it all means. He was only able to hold Nightmare close until he fell asleep for the night. Ccino letting him sleep in his room with him to help him feel safe.

Ccino doesn’t know magic…

But Ccino remembers… He thinks he remembers at least… He believes that his mother used to sing… That she could do magical things with music. Ccino thinks their little house used to be filled with music.

His father had these... magical kisses? Ccino thinks so at least… That his father could give kisses when you were hurt or sad and everything felt better… Something about his magic only working because of Ccino and his mom…

Ccino thinks so at least…

He can’t really remember what his father looked like…

He just knows he is supposed to look like his mom… but he isn’t sure as he can’t remember her well either… It has been so long

Nightmare shifts before him and Ccino pulls himself out of his mindless thinking. Ccino turns Nightmare around and hums “The yellow looks nice on you…”

Nightmare pulls on his shirt anxiously “You think so? I think it looks weird… yellow fits Dream. Not me.”

Ccino smiles as he knows how to handle this easily “Really? I think it looks nice.” he gently takes Nightmare’s hands as Ccino ignores the scars on those small bones from his practise cuts “Yellow compliments purple after all. Makes your eye lights stand out more.”

Nightmare looks deeply embarrassed but has a shy smile “Really?”

Ccino smiles “Have I ever lied to you?”

Nightmare shakes his skull and looks a bit more relaxed as he looks back into the mirror. Ccino looks him over and smiles. Nightmare, and Dream, has grown into a fine young teen.

Ccino can’t help but be proud of both the twins. Ccino has always been closer to Nightmare as Dream had many others who seemed to want to answer his every request. Which meant that Ccino just focused on Nightmare when he could. Make sure the younger twin didn’t feel left behind.

Ccino is proud to say that he managed it. Nightmare is happy and never mentioned feeling alone. He mentioned missing his twin when he went to his classes but aside from that Nightmare was happy and healthy. Dream was too.

The twins adore each other and are the closest friends. Both are happy and healthy.

All in all. Ccino thinks he has been doing a great job with helping and raising them.

Ccino hums as he moves to Nightmare’s front and starts putting up the little golden and sun jewellery. Careful all in the right spots. Decorating his thin neck and the fragile wrists.

Last Ccino picks up the small silver crown and places it on Nightmare’s skull “Almost done my prince.”

Nightmare stares at him “We are alone.” And he waits.

Ccino blinks and smiles softly “My prince-” Nightmare frowns more. Ccino sighs but can’t stop smiling “Nightmare. You know I have to address you properly.” He can’t stop himself as he rubs the smaller skull and Nightmare leans into it happily “I am just a servant. People can’t see me disrespecting you like that.”

Nightmare frowns again “I don’t care.” And he glares more “and you are not just a servant. You are you.”

Ccino smiles and nuzzles him softly “I know you don’t care Nightmare. And I would like to not care either. But… it isn’t right or how it works…” he gives him a sad smile.

Nightmare frowns and mutters “Maybe… When Dream is king he can change that?” he looks a bit more hopeful.

Anxiety returns to his soul. Ccino doesn’t want to be important and known… He forces it back down as he gives a gentle smile “As king he won’t get the chance to do such things until much later Nightmare. He can’t risk being seen as weak or someone who is easy to disrespect. Once things calm down we can maybe ask him. Okay?” much later.

Nightmare frowns and mutters “Who would disrespect him? He would be a king and a god!” and he looks at Ccino.

Ccino feels bad. Seeing as he doesn’t respect Nim at all. And Nim is like that. Ccino instead gives him a tiny grin “Some people will just be like that. Even if they don’t have a good reason. And no matter how much you want them to you can’t change their minds.” He rubs his cheek “Which means you can only focus on what matters to you and the country.”

Nightmare frowns before nodding “I can do that for him. Help him.” He rubs his arm and whispers “Do… do you think the… the bad thing will happen?”

Ccino frowns “I am not sure Nightmare. I am so sorry…” he can’t help him when it matters… Ccino wasn’t even sure why he thought he could help either of them in a way that matters.

Nightmare leans into his touch and mutters “At least you believe me.”

Ccino feels a bit better as he speaks softly “And I always will. Even if no one else believes you. I will. I will be there for you. I swear.” It is an easy promise to make to him.

Nightmare actually smiles this time.

Ccino relaxes as he slowly gets the paint and make up out “Ready for the last finishing touches?”

Nightmare nods and takes a seat. Ccino gets the paint and gets to work. Ccino had to do these very early on for both the twins. Dream would want to get up and move around while Nightmare would patiently wait for Ccino to finish and for the make up to dry. Ccino never minded it of course. It was fun! It reminded him of finger painting and practising make up with his mom. It are dear memories.

Ccino starts with a bit of paint by Nightmare’s cheeks and his chin. To make sure the edges look softer and a bit rounder. Next he adds a very small line of golden yellow around the very edge of his sockets. Ccino hadn’t been lying after all, yellow did help make purple stand out more and with this is made the purple pop. Ccino then took the silver and with the utmost care he painted the phases of the moon from one temple to the other across the forehead. Making sure the full moon was at the very center. Ccino didn’t even need to redo it today.

Ccino smiles as he takes a step back “All ready.” He washes the paint and make up from his phalanges.

Nightmare hops off his chair and looks into the mirror “Will you have to also do Dream’s paints?”

Ccino shakes his skull “Not today. I believe the king is helping your twin prepare.” He finishes cleaning himself up and puts everything back to its spot.

Nightmare nods as he looks into the mirror anxiously “It is okay… it is fine… Dream will be fine…” he tugs on his shirt again.

Ccino joins his side and frees the shirt from the tight hold. After it he tugs it all back in place before stepping back “There. You are ready my prince.” And he gives a small bow “Very soon. Crown prince.”

Nightmare rubs his arm. Luckily the material the shirt is made of doesn’t crumble easily and it remains looking nice and puffy. Ccino needs to make sure Nightmare looks fine and no one can say anything rude to Nightmare about it.

Ccino joins his side and smiles “Hey… Nighty?” Nightmare immediately looks at him. Ccino keeps smiling. Praying it helps relax him “You are going to do amazing. You will look stunning together with your twin and you two have bright futures ahead of you.”

Nightmare gives a very slow nod before he mutters “Will you be nearby? I know it is private and only for the inner circle until the real crowning but… Will you please be near?”

Ccino smiles “Yeah. I will be close by.” For completely different reasons…

Nightmare relaxes and smiles brightly “Thank you… I need you there to feel brave.”

Ccino feels like his soul is gripped as he gives him a gentle hug. Making sure not to mess up Nightmare’s outfit or make up “You don’t need me for that Nightmare. You are the bravest monster I know. But I will be there okay? You will see me right there okay? And if you start feeling scared or unsure you can look at me and know that there will always be people who believe in you and are there for you. Okay?” He rubs the cheek.

Nightmare pushes his face more into it and lets out a soft purr “Thank you.”

Ccino smiles “I am happy to be there for you. Both of you.” He hears footsteps in the distance and quickly takes his hand back as he steps back. Nightmare looks confused for a moment before the door behind him opens.

Ccino bows to the captain entering “Captain.”

The captain, a bird monster by the name of Falks, dismisses him but that is alright. Ccino doesn’t mind at all. He knows that most of the higher ups kind of know the deal that is about to happen.

Captain Falks bows to Nightmare “Hello my prince. I am here to lead you to the king and the future king.”

Nightmare nods before looking back at Ccino “See you soon Ccino.” And he follows the captain out.

Ccino makes sure to remain in his spot until the door closes. When it closes he feels all the tension return as the need to hide in one of the tunnels returns. He doesn’t want to go there.

He doesn’t want to be at the ritual.

Because… That will be the moment that he…

That his…

He is right now the king’s after all. Nim just only had use for him as babysitter and servant. Ccino knows… he knows what the little apple patterns on his clothes mean after all.

Ccino feels his breath quicken as he grabs a hold on the vanity and gasps as his breath gets shorter and shorter. He stares at himself for a moment before looking away. He can’t stand the sight of himself. Seeing himself hurts… Seeing himself brings back memories he can’t quite remember and pain and fear from long ago. He can’t deal with that. He can’t.

Ccino gasps as he takes a seat on the ground and curls up more. This is it… today… he will be… he won’t…

He… he is never going to see Nightmare ever again? Is he?

He doesn’t know what the ritual does. Not exactly.

But Nim had pulled him aside and given him an idea. How it changes the person. How it increases their power and that with it came the knowledge that they were more important than any mortals. That their power and their ability to hold and manage that power is the proof.

That once Dream gets the power he will finally get the power he deserves. He will have the power and knowledge that will make him the god among people.

That Ccino will be there for him in any way he wishes. For anything he wants.

Any. Thing.

Ccino feels gross just thinking about it.

Footsteps in the hallway and Ccino has to pull himself together. He forces himself back to his feet even if his whole body shakes. Even if he can’t stand the sight of everything around him.

He just manages to pull his face into a more neutral look and slow his panicked breathing when the door opens. Some guards stand ready and mutter about bringing Ccino to the room to prepare him for the ritual.

Ccino follows the guards. His soul pulsing fast enough that Ccino is starting to feal dizzy. He keeps his breaths short as he follows the familiar path.

They end by the healing bay and he is left by the door. The door opens and two medics are there already. They rush Ccino in and comment about him being later than expected. Ccino apologises as he stands in the room.

He hears the two healers talk as he stares ahead of himself. Trying so hard not to hear. He doesn’t want to hear it.

Ccino stares ahead of himself. The other wall has shelves which hold a lot of different items and potions. Ccino knows that some of those are against exhaustion and to give more energy. There are health boosters and even a few that will just knock you out. All different colours.

The scents are making his already dizzy skull spin and pound. He may be starting to get migraine.

The doctor snaps “Ccino!”

Ccino blinks and turns slightly “Yes sir?”

The doctor, Nigel, looks annoyed while the other healer, Mar, giggles “Don’t be mad at him. Can you blame him? He will be the future King’s first mate.” They sigh wishfully “I am so jealous… I wish I could be the one who helped Dream like that.”

They disgust Ccino. Ccino doesn’t care that technically Dream is about to magically become an adult. He is a child! One who barely started puberty! How could they think about him like that? Like they are just waiting for him to grow up so they can… so they can think and do those things to him?!

Doctor Nigel sighs annoyed as he stares at Ccino “When did you last eat and what?”

Ccino needs to think. He hadn’t eaten that morning… He hasn’t had dinners in ages much like lunches. His last breakfast was… “Day before yesterday.” If he is correct.

The doctor looks annoyed “Seriously? You pigging out again? You know that you need to look your best.” He sighs as he shakes his head.

Ccino just looks down. He just had been so hungry. He had felt so empty and tired. He had thought… Maybe a little wouldn’t be bad? Just to get a bit of energy.

Nigel looks at him expecting “What did you eat?”

Ccino looks to the side. Feeling guilty “Had some toast… and some yogurt and milk.” It had been so good. He had felt full after it and sighed happily.

The doctor huffs “Pigging. Out.”

The other giggles “Oh let him pig out. Maybe then King Dream will see that he is not that much anyway. Let someone who is actually pretty get a chance to please our new lord.” They sigh wishfully again.

Nigel shoots his colleague a look “Stop it. You can try to get in his harem once he is established.” He turns back to side as he grabs a step stool “The first mate always dies quickly anyone. They are there for the king to test their power and magic after all. Rather painful from what I understand.” He points towards the step stool “Undress and on the step stool.”

Ccino feels sick and feels his soul pulse anxiously but his body does as ordered. He feels beyond exposed as he stands there. Staring downwards as the two doctors circle him and comment on things. He can hardly hear it. His skull hurts.

Doctor Nigel hums “Luckily none of the lashes gave permanent marks after all. It would be unsightly for our future king to see marks of disobedience.” He makes a note as he moves on and checks his ribs and spine. Touching it and Ccino tries to ignore how invasive it feels. “Age?”

Ccino needs a moment to think “Twenty.”

He hums and makes a note “That should fertile then. Good. Summon your ecto.”

Ccino really doesn’t want to. His soul is filled with anxiety but he tries.

Nothing happens.

The doctor looks annoyed “I said. Summon the ecto.”

Ccino doesn’t look up “I can’t… I don’t have enough energy or magic.” Maybe he can’t summon it at all anymore. Maybe it is broken? Would that mean he doesn’t have to worry about this whole thing anymore? If he is unable to summon the parts needed… If he is too broken to serve his purpose…

The doctor grumbles as he walks to the cabinet and searches through the bottles before pulling one out “Here. Drink it.”

Ccino looks at the bright orange liquid and feels sick just looking at it. It smells gross. It looks disgusting. It is much too solid to be a normal drink.

Mar laughs as they smirk at him “What is wrong? Suddenly not a glutton anymore?”

Ccino doesn’t want to… But he remembers the pain of the lashes. The way each one burned. They way they would wait between the hits. Until his back was fully healed before giving the next one. Healing it magically, fast and aggressive which left his back tender and hurting of pains that weren’t there anymore. Then the next lash would hit.

He still feels the pain sometimes. Which is dumb. Ccino knows he isn’t hurt anymore. It got healed years ago and it doesn’t hurt. There is nothing there that could hurt. Everyone told him as much. To stop acting as if he is hurt when he was fine.

Ccino downs the potion as ordered. It is gross and sticks to his throat and it feels unpleasant. The unknown and different magic in the potion makes him sick but he stands there.

Nigel nods “Now. That should give you enough magic and mana to at least last through the night for our new King. Now summon so I can inspect your ecto.”

Ccino feels sick but does as ordered. He focusses on his soul. Even if the pulsing of it is uneven and anxious it is better than to think about the hands touching his ecto. Hands he doesn’t want to touch him anywhere.

He stares ahead. Staring at the different coloured bottles. Two are purple. One is blue. There is a green one on the side. Most of them don’t have a colour and three are yellow. All on different shelves. None of them have labels.

Doctor Nigel steps back as he takes notes “Seems fine and stable enough. A bit too round but that is too be expected from your gluttonous nature.” The doctor makes notes.

The other giggles “Best hope the king likes them heavier.” And Mar giggle again.

Ccino hates it here.

The doctor shoots his colleague a look “Behave. It will not look good for you if the first mate doesn’t like your behaviour.” And he shoots Ccino a look “You can get dressed again. Others will come pick you up soon to get ready.” And he turns to his desk. The other doctor huffs and shoots Ccino a jealous look.

Ccino would willingly and gladly trade places. Do it. Take his place. He doesn’t want to be some offering to placate a newly ascended god. Ccino knows what everyone implies he will do to do that. He feels sick.

Either way he gets dressed in the much too soft cotton with the almost silky feel to it. It is soft as he tugs on it. His soul feels like it has permanently moved to his throat. He still feels dizzy, the other magic in his body makes him feel sick.

Everything about this makes him ill. He wants to hide. Just not go. Fuck it. Stay in the hidden tunnels and just keep hiding there until they give up on searching for him. No one ever found him in those tunnels anyway.

The image of Nightmare looking hopefully into the crowd when he feels nervous. Ccino not being there.

He can’t… He can’t break his promise to Nightmare.

The door opens and a few maids walk in. They all seem excited and happily tug Ccino with them. They talk about how lucky he is and how he doesn’t need to worry! That people will make sure he looks pretty and then the new King will not be able to keep his hands to himself!

Ccino just smiles and nods. Not sure if he can keep himself from throwing up if he starts talking.

They get to the large dressing room. Normally used for making and fabricating outfits for the royals and nobles. Ccino feels his anxiety returns as the maids leave him with the seamstress Sasha. Sasha looks beyond excited as she looks at different outfits.

She hums happily “I am so excited! It is the greatest honour to have been allowed to make your outfit. I made a few options and the current king and future king already expressed their preference!” she smiles brightly as she holds up different outfits “I have a few that were approved upon and I made sure they will fit the decorations!”

Ccino nods as he lets her talk. Everywhere there are flags and banners with little suns on them. The symbol of Dream. A small sun for the golden prince. Dream had been so excited when they picked his symbol when the twins turned ten. Nightmare had been excited about his own symbol in the form of the moon.

Ccino watches as the seamstress pulls out this beautiful dress. Lower back and cuts by the lower part and legs to enable easy movement.

Sasha smiles as she holds it up “I know I know. A dress is the go to but I wanted to try just in case! Please put it on.”

Ccino takes the clothing item and gets dressed. Feeling numb to the exposed feeling by now. He waits on the verdict.

She beams “Oh you are so pretty!” she looks excited as she rushes to the other outfits she laid out “But I think the dress isn’t your fit after all. Don’t get me wrong you look gorgeous but it just doesn’t seem right! It doesn’t show off your best sides well as it is designed to look good on people with more curves.”

Ccino is never sure what people want from him. Some say he is too fat and a glutton. Others say he doesn’t have enough curves. He really tried to do as ordered and only eat and drink what he is supposed to. He doesn’t understand why his body isn’t like they want by now. He swears he tried.

He is so tired.

Sasha brings out this pants and shirt set which feels a bit more comfortable. Ccino doesn’t like how open the back is as it gives him bad memories. The only times his back was uncovered was when they… they…

The shirt itself is very tight around his neck. And shows off most of his spine. The pants themselves hang low on his hip bones. Barely staying up as it is while the pants legs are long and cover him to the ankles.

The seamstress hums as she looks considered “This shows off your skeleton nature much better than the dress did! Your spine is so clean and pretty! I am sure the king would love to be able to see it easily! I will have to make a note of that for any future outfits!” she makes a note as she grabs the next outfit.

The shirt has shoulder pads this time and covers his spine a lot better. The sides are mostly open but it isn’t as short as the other one and it only shows a bit of his lower spine.

Instead of pants this outfit has more of a skirt to it. It still hangs low on his hips but there is a very short tight pants under the skirt to keep it in place. The sides of his legs are almost completely uncovered aside from the tight pants but the skirt part gives him at least the illusion of modesty.

Sasha hums as she looks between the outfits “I think that one is best.” She smiles a t him “Feeling pretty and ready to rock the new king’s world?” she is trying to hype him up.

Ccino gives a small smile and speaks softly “Mostly nervous.” Which is the most truthful and honest thing he can safely say.

She gasps “What? You don’t need to be nervous! He is going to be so happy to see you! You are so pretty he is going to be blown away!”

Ccino doesn’t feel pretty. He just feels sick and uncomfortable. It is so close now. Before he could mostly ignore it but now it is really going to happen. He is going to be promoted from babysitter to sex slave. And there is not a single thing he can do about it. Yet Ccino is the idiot and weird one for not being excited.

He wants to cry.

He takes his seat as the seamstress talks about his make up and what she picked out. It is mostly just some touch up. She mentions that putting much more on would just make him look fake and make him lose his natural beauty.

She disappears to the corner where she opens a locked box. There are golden chains in there. Well, not actually chains but necklaces and bracelets apparently, they may as well be chains though. Ccino watches as the other puts them on him. By his arms. His ribs. One as a choker. She coos and praises how pretty he looks. Ccino doesn’t feel like he is all there anymore.

Heavy steps and moments later the door opens.

The seamstress bows deeply and Ccino looks down as well. Making a bow as far as he can without disrupting any of the work done on him.

A moment of silence before a pleased hum “Good. You got cleaned up and made yourself look presentable. Come. We are about to start.”

As they walk Nim reminds him once more of what his role will be and what he will do. Ccino echoes the instructions back to her when prompted.

He is lead into the throne room and there is a silence. Ccino feels his arm start to shake as he makes his way towards his spot. Ccino tries not to panic.

This is it. There is no turning back now.

Ccino just stands in his spot. Near enough to step forwards when it is his time. Ccino tries not to think about what will happen to him after today. What his life will be after this. Ccino glances around.

There aren’t as many people as he would expect. The only people are the king’s advisors. The captain of the guard and a few extra guards. And Ccino of course.

None of the maids or servants are actually here with them.

Ccino glances around and sees people all getting ready. A priest as well. To perform the crowning of Dream as Nim will be unavailable.

Ccino… Ccino doesn’t like this ritual or what he knows about it.

From what he understand… the king will give up her magic. Make it form something for Dream to take and consume. Consuming the magic will give him powers and magic and the ability to ascend. Then. Once it is time. Something of great emotional importance is supposed to happen. That the magic will guide Dream to do what is needed for him to finish ascending.

Once ascended. Dream will be first crowned to the small select group here and then to the kingdom as a whole.

Ccino is supposed to step forwards when Dream finishes his ritual but before he is crowned. Ccino will join his side and remain there through everything.

Ccino still doesn’t understand how it will affect Dream. All the king ever told him was that Dream would within seconds grow from teen to an adult and all the feelings, knowledge and emotions that came with it would happen all at once. That it would make Dream ready to rule. The ritual would give him the understanding for what happened and how so he can perform it himself when the time is right.

Ccino thinks it isn’t right.

But maybe that is just him. He doesn’t like the magic in this place. His memories still see magic as the voice of his mother singing and some stuff moving on their own to help her with chores. Of his father holding him close and giving a kiss to his little bruises and them feeling better. They told him magic was about joy and love.

Here… they always spoke about rituals and blood and sacrifices. Ccino had seen them sacrifice animals before.

He doesn’t like it.

He hates it.

Ccino had had to clean up cuts on Nightmare’s hands from past rituals. All in preparation. Nightmare had been near tears as it hurt. Ccino remembers telling him that it can’t be actually that good of magic if it hurts him.

Ccino isn’t sure if he was even helping at this point…

Not that it matters… He probably won’t see Nightmare much after this… As he will just… be wherever and whatever Dream wants him to be and do and-

No. Stop. Don’t think about it.

Ccino tries to distract himself.

The hall is decorated with large banners. All with pictures and images of the sun and light. Gold in colour and making the room seem lighter.

Ccino suddenly understands his outfit colour choice. It seems to mirror the colours of a sunrise.

Nim steps out of the side door and walks towards her throne, her mask on her face. She stands before it as the hall is immediately quiet. Moments later Dream and Nightmare walk out together and stand on both of her sides, both wearing their own masks.

Nightmare looks anxious and Ccino manages to catch his eye through the tiny openings of the owl mask. Nightmare seems to relax a little.

That is good.

That is much better.

The King speaks up and her voice sounds out “We are here today. For the next step in our glorious kingdom. As I will ascend to take my rightful place among the stars. As my son will take his own rightful place. A god on this world. Like myself.”

Excitement rises in the room as Nim raises her arms and hands to her chest. And It lights up.

It is scorching hot. It is burning.

The light is bright as Nim holds out the light. It slowly condenses into a single form. A glowing apple. She turns slowly. Her body already starting to fall apart as she starts to dust. Her hand holds out the glowing apple to Dream.

Dream wiggles slightly in place before raising his mask to the top of his face to reveal the big smile before looking serious again as he steps forwards. He holds out his arms and hands.

Nim stands still for a moment before she places the apple in his hands but keeps holding on.

Dream looks determined and nods “Thank you. Mother. May you rise to be above the other gods.”

Nim nods and lets go of the apple. As soon as the contact is gone. She is gone. She falls apart and her mask falls on top of the pile of dust.

The apple is a perfect golden colour. It isn’t shining anymore but it reflects the light beautifully.

Dream steps forwards and smiles “Hello everyone. For this glorious day. As the old king and my mother takes her rightful place among the stars and gods. As I stand before you to claim my own place in the growing history of our family. To make them proud and do as they hava done before me.”

Ccino notices Nightmare looks nervous as he shoots him looks. Ccino gives him a tiny smile and Nightmare seems to relax before he gains a look of focus in those eye lights.

Dream smiles as he raises his arms up high.

Which is when Nightmare rushes him and tackles his brothers. The two twins struggle for a moment before Nightmare manages to grab the apple and take a few steps away.

Dream stares from his spot on the ground in shock “Nightmare?!”

Nightmare doesn’t say anything. He is shaking lightly before Nightmare finds his eye sight again. Nightmare raises his own owl mask to the top of his skull, he takes a deep breath and bites into the apple.

Something in his body changes. Ccino can see an almost hazed look on Nightmare’s face as he bites. And bites. And bites. Eating the apple even if he seems to almost choke on the mouthfuls.

And then the apple is gone. Core and all.

Nightmare stands there for a moment before starting to lean to one side before leaning towards the other. His body shaking. He starts to shake more and more as Nightmare rolls up as he hugs his own form. Then Nightmare starts screaming and sobbing as he falls to his knees.

Ccino feels his own body shake. Ccino feels himself take a step closer.

He is hurt… He needs to…

A guard stops him.

Ccino can’t look away from Nightmare. Nightmare is just shaking and sobbing as he stays on his knees.

A cracking of bones. The ripping of clothing. And large limbs burst out of Nightmare’s back. Ccino sees them move and wriggling around dripping of Nightmare’s blood. But Ccino watches as the red colour darkens little by little until it is a solid black instead. It continues to drip on the ground as Nightmare shudders.

Then he stops. Everything stops. The screaming, the shaking, the sobbing.

Silence.

Nightmare slowly rises to his feet. The goop moving and dripping slowly off his form to drip on the ground. Nightmare looks around the room. His clothes ripped in many places as parts of it remain on the ground covered with that same sticky black goop that used to be red and liquid and his blood.

“How could you!?”

Nightmare blinks and turns to stare at Dream. Dream glares at him as he shakes with pure rage.

Dream screams “How could you?!”

Nightmare however doesn’t react. He just keeps staring at his brother. Ccino… Ccino doesn’t like the look on his face. It is the same look as with the apple… Ccino also doesn’t like the look on Dream’s face. The open rage and anger.

Dream knows magic. Nightmare does not.

Ccino doesn’t think and rushes away from his spot. The guard who had a hold on him before had let go in shock. Ccino side steps any hands as he rushes to the raised platform and thrones. He rushes up the stairs and gets between the twins. Holding hands up to both of them as he gives them both a strict look “No fighting.” He would have wanted his voice to be louder. But he can’t. Even now he can’t shout at either of them. He never could.

Dream looks away with angry tears in his eyes. Nightmare freezes as he stares at him. Ccino looks back at him.

His face isn’t the same anymore. The sockets are all wrong and the eye lights aren’t right either. Nightmare is much taller and doesn’t look in anyway like he did. The magic that he emits is even different.

But… the angle of those shoulders… Nightmare is scared and confused.

Ccino needs to get them somewhere else. He needs to get them out of view of others. They need to calm down and they need to figure out what is next. Was… Was Nightmare instructed by Nim to eat the apple after all? But… that doesn’t make sense?

No. Focus. No use trying to figure stuff out when it isn’t the priority. Get the twins to the back. Get them situated.

Ccino takes a deep breath before turning towards the waiting crowd with a smile on his face. He makes sure to tugs his hands behind the small of his back as he speaks with his cheerful people pleasing voice “We will be in the back to clean up before we continue. Please excuse our new king and the crown prince for just a moment.” And he bows deeply before shooting Dream a look and motioning towards the back.

Dream still looks angry but does as told as he moves towards the back. Ccino rises and gives a deep bow to Nightmare “My lord?” Nightmare is king now… right? so he should do this?

Nightmare looks bothered. It isn’t the same face he pulls but it is the same reaction as before. At least that look from the apple is gone. He just looks confused and overwhelmed. Nightmare moves towards the back without a single glance into anyone’s direction. Ccino uses the general confusion to rush into the room after them.

Okay. Okay.

What now?

The room is quiet as Dream continues to glare at Nightmare. Nightmare frowns at him as he raises a hand “Dream… I…” he shakes his skull as that glint in his eye lights returns before he manages to shake it.

Dream glares as he shakes “How could you! I trusted you! Everyone always said you just wanted the throne! I defended you! Said you would never betray me! Yet you do?!” angry tears appear in his sockets as he glares.

Nightmare shakes his skull again. “I didn’t… I didn’t want to. I…” He frowns. So confused.

The door slams open and Ccino notices Nightmare flinch at the sound before Ccino is grabbed and turned around. Captain Falks is there glaring “What the fuck did you do?!”

Ccino blinks as two more guards join them. Ccino looks back at Nightmare and Dream “I… I got them out of sight? Stopped them from fighting.”

Falks groans “Yes! That is the problem! You stopped the ritual!”

Ccino feels any insecurity and nerves leave him as it replaces him with rage “Of course I did?! In case you didn’t notice! It went terrible! Of course I got them out of sight and calm before they could hurt each other!”

Captain Falks glares “The leftover prince was never supposed to take the apple! This is a disaster! He was supposed to just be there for the future King of Light Dream!” Falks glares at the twins before glaring at Ccino again “This is a mess and you made it worse.”

Ccino flinches as he looks to the side “What is done is done… We need to be quick…” he glances back and can’t help but notice that Nightmare is very much barely dressed at this point as he ripped out of his clothing and Dream is overdressed with the too large clothing. Swimming in the bright orange cape and the softer coloured dress pants and shirt. Ccino nods to himself “We will need to get them both ready quickly. A new outfit for King Nightmare is a must. He can’t be crowned when he is barely dressed. Dream will need cloths that are form fitted for him now instead of how he could have been.” His mind is racing as he looks over to the two guards behind Falks.

It are cadet Rogers and Cadet Miles. Okay. Ccino has seen them before and they are both ambitious but are loyal to the crown. Ccino looks at Miles “Miss Miles. Can you get back to the hall and keep the people calm? We may need more refreshments for them.” Miles gives a nod and Ccino focuses on Rogers “Cadet Rogers. We need to make sure we aren’t bothered. Can you make sure to stand guard?” Cadet Rogers nods with a salute and moves to the door together with cadet Miles. Ccino looks at Falks “Captain. We need the priest to remain here and remain ready to crown Nightmare and vow him in. While I get the prince and king ready you need to go to the priest and give him a small update that Nightmare will be sworn in instead-”

Falks glares “Who do you think you are to order me and my guards around?”

Ccino freezes before giving him a look “We need to act quickly and adapt to the change.”

Falks huffs as he looks disgusted  “I will not serve a fake king.”

A moment of silence and shock goes through Ccino. He also feels… rejected? Dejected? It doesn’t make sense. Ccino instead focusses on the moment “How is he a fake king?”

Falks huffs “You are an idiot. He was never meant to be king. He was there to make sure that Dream would rise to his rightful place. Not be a useless and jealous brat and take it for himself! He didn’t even finish the ritual!”

Ccino glares “He did.”

Falks smirks “Oh believe me. He did not.”

Ccino glares as he starts to recount what he knows “He ate the apple. Legends speak that anyone unworthy of absorbing the magic would perish. Nightmare survived and was able to gain the power it gave. Meaning the magic decided him worthy.” Falks blinks but Ccino continues “Nightmare is a son of the old king Nim just like Dream. Are you really disrespecting the royal bloodline?” Falks looks a lot more worried. Ccino goes for the finishing blow “Not to forget. The ritual spoke of a large betrayal. I do believe. That eating the apple and betraying his twin would count as such.”

Ccino may not agree with any of these thought and believes followed by these people. But he knows how to speak their language and play their game. “That means. That our new king is Nightmare. Who completed the ritual.”

Falks suddenly looks a lot more unsure before he hisses to Ccino “You best remember your place slave. And if I had it my way I would show it to your personally. Your pretty face can’t save you from all the consequences.”

Ccino doesn’t feel fear. He just feels rage. “Oh I remember my place just fine. My duty, as ordered by the old king, is to be by the new king’s side and help him in any way I can. I am doing exactly as I was instructed. I think it is time you remember your own oaths and vows Captain. As you are supposed to protect, guard and serve the ruling king yourself.”

Falks glares harshly at him “When this is over. I will take great pleasure in punishing you and your bratty mouth. Seems like the last twenty I gave you did not make much of an impression. Maybe with fifty lashes you will learn your place.”

Ccino raises a brow “Ask our king when it is calm. We both have our duties. Yours should be to make sure everything in the hall is still fine so we can move on to the coronation.” Ccino glares at him “The priest needs to be informed as I prepare our king.”

There is a silence in the room. The two cadets stare at Ccino and their captain but Ccino doesn’t care. He knows he will be in trouble for this. A lot of trouble and he does not enjoy knowing he will be punished later for ignoring the hierarchy and rules.

But Nightmare needs him now. Even if Nightmare doesn’t seem the same. It is still Nighty. Ccino used to tug him into bed with a  bedtime story. Ccino used to cut both Nightmare’s and Dream’s food into tiny pieces to make eating easier for them.

Ccino is not going to fail them now because some stupid birdbrain decided he wanted to try a powerplay when there is a crisis.

Falks breaks their eye contact first. He huffs as he walks to the door and hisses “Do what he says. We need to serve our king.” And he leaves the room. The two cadets follow.

Ccino glances back at the twins and is happy to note both seem too distracted to have noticed the captain trying his silly powerplay. The twins are just staring at each other and seemingly lost in their own world.

Ccino nods as he rushes to the wall. He finds the servants pathway and sneaks a look inside. Okay! Perfect! A sewing kit! He grabs it and takes it back inside before ringing the bell and leaving a message that he needs cloths in the colours of deep purple, dark blue, cyan or black stat. He goes back inside and looks around.

Now. What can he use to fix this mess? He searches the room and pulls out any tools he can find. Ccino knows that his fellow servants and maids all stash items all around the castle. To use when in need without having to travel far.

He manages to pull one of the large sun banners down and starts sewing it into a more casual tunic dress fit before managing to find a brown belt  to help give it shape. He goes to Dream’s side and checks the cape and clothes he is wearing. Okay he can let Dream still wear the large cape as it will go well.

Ccino pushes the clothes into his arms “Here. I am sorry it is rushed work. This will fit better.”

Dream stares before glaring as his sockets fill with tears “No! This… this isn’t supposed to be like this!” Dream glares at Nightmare “How could you?!”

Oh no not again.

Nightmare looks at Dream and that slight edge is back again “I just… I needed… I just wanted…” Each time Nightmare tries to speak he seems to stop as soon as he hears his own voice. Shock obvious on his face.

Dream glares “I can’t believe you would betray me! I trusted you! I thought we were a team!”

Nightmare looks so sad “We are…”

Dream shakes his skull.

Which is when Sera walks in. Great. This day just went from bad to horrible. And that is impressive as Ccino had believed he would become a sex slave.

Sera glares at him “Why are you making orders and what is going on?!”

Ccino just takes the fabric she brought and gets to work sewing quickly. He can’t make it complex or too detailed but anything fitting will be better than Nightmare being crowned while naked “Prince Nightmare ate the apple. I am preparing him for his coronation as quickly as I can.”

Sera looks shocked before frowning “You should not be this involved! Step aside as I will do so instead.”

Ccino shoots her a look “And what role gives you this right?”

Sera glares “I am the head of the servants! Including you!”

Ccino can’t help but smile brightly as he answers “Actually. As you very often told me. I am not a part of the servants. I am one of the king’s loyals.” He smiles brightly as he enjoys the shock on her face “And as you often told me. I don’t belong in your group.”

She sputters and glares “You have some nerve! You are nothing but a toy! Something to throw aside when the king is done with you!”

Ccino nods “Of course. But that is the king’s decision.” He makes sure to smile pleasantly “And you wouldn’t go against the king’s will… would you?”

Sera is seething but nods “I wouldn’t.”

Ccino nods “Good. Now. The guests will be forced to wait a little longer. I am sure they would appreciate some extra refreshments and food.” This time he downright smirks as he shoots her a look “After all. Your performance will reflect on all of us.”

Sera is furious. Ccino knows why of course. She must not enjoy Ccino echoing her own words back at her.

Sera nods before leaving the room.

Ccino checks his hands and is happy to note he got the basics done. This will sadly have to do. He walks over to Nightmare “My lord? May I help you?”

Nightmare blinks slowly at him before nodding “Yes.” He remains still as Ccino puts the newly made shirt over his head and carefully moves the slits he made in place. The tendrils move easily through it and seem to brush against his side and Ccino shudders. The goop is cool and sticks slightly. Still. He moves  with purpose as he gets Nightmare into his new shirt. It is a bit too tight for the other and Nightmare frowns as he looks down at it. Ccino starts messing with the seams as he tries to gain a bit more room for Nightmare to move around in.

Ccino eventually needs to abandon that as he has to focus on the other parts. The cloak he made is easy in design and has a hood attached for Nightmare to use if needed. He quickly stitches in the familiar pattern of the moon phases at the button and around the neck before putting it over his shoulders.

Shit. The normal strings would just not be impressive enough.

Come on think. Think. Think.

Ccino sees a glimmer of gold and looks down. His jewellery!

Ccino quickly undoes the chain around his neck and clips each end on the cape. It works and gives it a nice shine. Mmh.

Ccino is quick to remove all his bracelets and other gold items as he moves around Nightmare. Putting some on the tendrils, which seem to really like wrapping around his arm or leaning against him. Ccino gives them gentle pats each time he needs to move or he removes them.

At the end his own clothes are much darker thanks to all the goop but Nightmare looks at least a little bit like a king. Ccino hopes that the distance from the others will be large enough that it isn’t obvious that this is a very bad patch job but he did what he could.

Ccino nods as he grabs a spare outfit for himself and quickly changes. No longer the very clear offering but at this point Ccino thinks the best thing to do is to get the whole day over with before trying to pull everything back together.

Ccino nods to the twins as he speaks “Okay! That is all I can do. If we take much longer they will become impatient and we don’t need them to be mad.” It is scary how easy it is for him to fall back into this role. How natural it always felt to speak to them as babysitter, caretaker and, he only dares to think it, older brother. Even with Nightmare now being a deity it still feels natural. It feels easy.

“We will go out to the throne room and the guards will open the doors. More people will watch as the priest crowns Nightmare. After that they will party but it is fine if you two retire for the night at that point.”

Dream glares “Nightmare shouldn’t be crowned! I should be!”

Ccino flinches as he looks between the twins. Making sure to keep his voice calm as he speaks “I know Dream. But I don’t think anyone will accept that. Not while the ritual and powers accepted Nightmare…” because that is what happened. Even if people seem to refuse to see it. According to all the rules known of the ritual. Nightmare completed each step. He has a new form and new power. He was accepted and ascended. Both to king and to be a god.

Ccino doesn’t know if there are private rules he doesn’t know but he wouldn’t even know who would know. So this is the situation they have at the moment.

Dream shakes his skull and slaps Ccino’s hand away. Yeah he figured. Ccino doesn’t take it personally. “It is wrong!” Dream glares at Nightmare.

Nightmare still has this glint in his sockets but each time he stares for too long at Dream, Ccino can see that Nightmare also focusses on him and the glint disappears.

Ccino focusses on Dream as he tries to calm the other down “I know you are angry Dream. But please. We don’t have time to discuss this and-”

Dream shakes his skull “I don’t care!” he glares at Nightmare “How could you!”

Nightmare’s tendrils slowly rise “I don’t…”

Dream doesn’t listen and his hand finds an old bust and he swings it right against Nightmare’s skull. A loud crack of stone and bones as the bust falls to pieces.

Silence before shock overtakes any emotion Ccino feels. Ccino rushes over as Nightmare slowly rises to his full height. His new tendrils sharpening and rising themselves.

Ccino gets to them and stands between them again “No! Both of you stop that. Dream! You know better than attacking your brother.” He shoots Dream a look.

Dream shakes as tears run down his angry face “He stole my future!”

Ccino shoots him a disapproving look “And you just hit him with a stone bust.” He sighs as turns towards the door to see it slightly open. Of course this guy is listening in. Whatever! Ccino speaks loudly “Cadet Rogers. Bring Dream to his room and stand guard. Make sure no one can bother the prince as the prince remains inside the room.”

Dream sputters “You can’t! You can’t do that!”

Ccino gives him a disapproving look “You are hurting. I know that. But you hurting is not an excuse to hurt others. You know your brother better than anyone and you should know that he would never hurt you unless he had a very good reason for it or had to. Instead of trying to communicate you attacked him. For this reason it is best to separate you two while we move on with the coronation.”

Dream shakes in rage as he looks down “I was supposed to be king.”

Ccino doesn’t feel good about this. But too much is counting on this. They can work on mending their relationship when Nightmare has the crown and people remain loyal. Than they can talk and relax. Cadet Rogers takes the prince away to his room and Ccino turns to Nightmare.

He only now realises that he had his back to Nightmare the whole time. That he had his back to someone who had his tendrils sharpened moments ago. But Nightmare looks calm and… he is leaning against the hand Ccino had held out to signal Nightmare to stay back. Ccino hadn’t even noticed as he tried to manage Dream.

Ccino checks his outfit once more before checking the skull. He can’t see anything. The goop is all liquid and hiding everything and Ccino isn’t sure if he can wipe it away safely “Nightmare? Does it hurt?” They are alone now. Ccino is too distraught to bother with titles unless he has to. Which he will have to in a few minutes.

Nightmare keeps staring at his hand “He… attacked me…”

Ccino frowns and nods “I know…  I am sorry…” he should have expected something like this. He should have made sure they were both safe. He just… he hadn’t thought… He should have considered this a possibility as Dream had been hurt by this.

Nightmare shakes slightly.

Ccino feels so bad for this “Nightmare. I know this is a lot but we can’t wait. People are waiting and have high expectations. You need to be crowned. Do you understand?”

Nightmare is quiet for a moment before nodding.

Ccino sighs “Good… good.” He makes sure to stand tall “Let’s get to work.” And he leads Nightmare out.

-----

Ccino is exhausted. The whole day had been exhausting and Ccino isn’t even sure if he can still recall everything that happened. Ccino just…

He just wants to sleep.

He rolls up in his bed. Now dressed in PJs as he tugs his blanket around. It is much too late for him. But he will need to be up early tomorrow to help Night- their king get ready for his first official day as king. Not to forget he needs to visit prince Dream and make sure he is okay.

Ccino is so tired and-

A knock on his door.

Ccino frowns. That is unusual. He walks towards his door and glances through the keyhole. He stares in shock before opening the door wide and bowing “My king. What do I own you this visit?”

His king stands there. A frown on his face “My… My mother’s room feels… wrong… I can’t sleep there. Dream hates me and does not wish to share his room. I wanted to sleep with you.” He still struggles with his sentences.

Ccino feels his soul freeze for a moment with the last part but he can see Nightmare means it literally. He doesn’t want to be alone.

Ccino isn’t sure why he can still read Nightmare just like he used to. You would think that Ccino lost that skill when Nightmare gained a new body. But even if the body is different. Even with his face being different. Ccino can still read him like he always does.

Ccino nods “Of course. Please come in.” he holds the door open and Nightmare walks in. He stands in the middle of the room seemingly lost.

Right. He doesn’t have any clothes in his new size. Ccino adds that to the mental to do list for tomorrow as well. Making sure their king has clothes that actually fit him. For now Ccino opens his drawer and searches it. He has a few oversized dress shirts and hopes it is big enough. He hands one over to Nightmare.

Nightmare looks at it before undressing and dressing in the clothing item. Ccino grabbed a spare pillow from the cabinet in the hall before throwing that on his bed as well.

It takes a moment but then they are both in Ccino’s bed. Nightmare gives a full body shudder and tugs his face and skull right by Ccino’s neck and shoulder.

Ccino has the strongest sense of déjà vu. Of when Nightmare was much smaller and he had night terrors. How Nightmare would use the servants tunnels to get to his room and climb into his bed at night. How they would make little blanket forts on days when everyone told Nightmare he wasn’t good enough. How Nightmare would climb into his bed when he was sad.

Nightmare… Nightmare may not look or feel or sound like the Nightmare Ccino knows. But it is still Nightmare. It is still his little Nighty.

Ccino hugs the large being closer “Sshh… it is okay… I am here.”

Nightmare shakes and shudders “Please… Please stay… I am so scared…”

Ccino tightens his hold on the other and holds him close “I am here Nighty. I swear on my soul.”

That seems to do it as Nightmare just holds unto him tightly. Tight enough that Ccino can feel his nails grip into his back. Ccino can feel those new tendrils circle him and hold him closely. Ccino just keeps holding unto Nightmare, keeps him in an embrace.

Eventually Nightmare falls asleep. Ccino can’t even find it in himself to care about the rumours this will cause. About the rumours that will follow after Nightmare leaves Ccino’s room.

Ccino doesn’t care. He will help and assist Nightmare. Everything will be alright.

[headfullofpresley]

Dad!Elvis. Maybe showing his kid a bit about music? Something soft and cute.

hi little cutie. i love this! this idea popped into my mind when i read your request, so i hope it's up to your taste <33

Little Bird

Pairing: Dad!Elvis x 12 year old daughter

Word count: 1008

Warning(s)/author's note: No warnings, just Elvis and your daughter bein' all cute and stuff. I don't play any instrument unfortunately so I thought the piano was easiest for me to write about, lols. Didn't proofread bc I'm a lazy bish. Enjoy!

———————————————————————  

‘‘Caroline Mae Presley, if you slam those keys one more time, I’m gonna have you buy me a new piano,’’ Elvis warned his twelve year old daughter from the head of the dining table where he was situated with a newspaper spread open in front of his face. ‘‘Your mother has a headache and she needs her rest,’’

You have been cooped up in your bedroom the whole morning with a terrible migraine you woke up with but your daughter had a recital at her school today and she had spend every waking moment to perfect the song she chose to perform. She knew about the migraine that was currently torturing you but she couldn’t afford to miss out on practice and since she had no other place other than the music room at Graceland to practice, she figured you’d forgive her for it. Even though Elvis was worried about the noise, you barely heard it and therefor did not mind. You just wanted that damn headache to go away so you could actually be there for your daughters’ first public performance.

‘‘With what money?’’ Caroline huffed boldly as she turned to look at the back of the newspaper in her fathers’ hands. ‘‘I’ll cut it out of your allowance,’’ he replied with a chuckle and she rolled her eyes, silently repeating his words with a mocking tone to herself. If he wasn’t hidden behind that paper, she would’ve never done it but she was annoyed and frustrated. Mostly at herself and at her shakey fingers that kept messing up.

‘‘I just can’t get this right!’’ She grunted out in frustration as she reached her hands out to the sheet music in front of her, messing up the corners of it as she tightened her grip on it. Elvis lowered his newspaper and sighed softly as he saw the frustration of his little girls’ face─she certainly had his passion for music and perfectionist ways, but the sassiness was all you. ‘‘Can you please call mrs. Barnes and tell her I broke a finger?’’ she pouted dramatically at him as he stood up from his seat and walked over to her, letting out a laugh at her comment. The dramaqueen inside of her definitely came from you. She moved aside on the bench in front of the piano as he sat down next to her and put her head against his upper arm, letting him take the paper from her. Unlike his daughter, he never learned how to read sheet music so he simply put it back in its place and wiggled his arm against her head, making her sit up straight with a soft laugh. ‘‘You’re in your head too much, little bird,’’ he told her, leaning down a little to press a kiss on top of her head before he turned back to the piano and caressed his fingertips over the piano keys, playing the first few notes of her song. She had only been playing it around the house for about a hundred times─he knew the entire thing by heart himself.

‘‘You’re tryin’ to rush it because you’re nervous,’’ he told her as he grabbed her hands when he stopped playing after the first chorus, gently placing her hands in the right position on the piano keys. ‘‘Yeah, it’s only my first ever recital and the song sucks. I’m going to mess up and everyone will laugh at me,’’ she exclaimed as frustration was still clouding her judgement. She was so worried about failing to the point of having nightmares and he was about to scold her for pulling her hands away from the piano as roughly as she did, until he saw the tears in her eyes. His heart swelled at the sight and he wrapped an arm around her small frame, pulling her onto his lap. No matter how old she was, she always loved sitting in his lap and just like it always did, it calmed her down a little when he wiped away a tear that rolled down her cheek. ‘‘Care, you’re the best piano player I know,’’ he said as he playfully tickled her sides, making her laugh even though she didn’t want to. ‘‘You’re just saying that,’’ she sighed softly and he pulled his head back a little so he could look at her face. ‘‘That too,’’ he said jokingly, raising his hand to pinch the bridge of her nose softly. ‘‘You’re going to do great today, little bird. Me and your mama are gonna be sitting in that front row and cheer our lungs out when you finish,’’ he said determinedly, kissing her cheek before he grabbed her hands again and placing them back on the piano. She giggled as he put his hands on top of hers, making her play the song again. He spend the rest of the morning helping her practice and encouraging her with compliments, watching with a wide proud smile as she once more played the song on her own without any mistakes. Her frustration was replaced by excitement and perfectly healthy nerves instead of the anxious ones that clouded her little mind up to the point of sleep loss.

‘‘Once you’re older, I might make you play at my shows,’’ he said jokingly as she finished another round of the song. She threw her hair over her shoulder as she crossed her arms and put her nose up, raising an eyebrow. ‘‘You’re gonna have to pay me, old man,’’ she said in a deep voice, thickening her Southern accent on purpose.

‘‘I am your father! I ain’t payin’ ya a dime, you rascal,’’ he replied to her with the same mischievous glint in his eyes and low voice. She got up from the bench and closed the fallboard of the piano, tapping her finger against her chin as she pretended to think about his words. ‘‘No deal!’’ She chirped as she shrugged and laughed as she stuck out her tongue at him, running up the stairs to get ready for her big recital debut.

[cryinggarbagebag]

Inner Peace- Obi wan Kenobi

a/n: if you see this could you please comment something :(

pairings: Obi wan x padawan! reader

warnings: none just fluff

synopsis: what happens when obi wan senses something the matter with you?

.-.

"you must focus y/n" you heard your master say as he paced the floor.

"but master I cant" you complained.

"you can, you just need to calm your mind. try again." he responded.

you sighed and closed your eyes again, trying to focus on pure nothingness but for some reason you kept seeing a pair of eyes that were all too familiar.

after a minute you cursed under your breath and opened your eyes, "master it's impossible!"

he hummed in annoyance and asked, "what could possibly be stopping you from doing a simple meditation?"

his words were harsh, but there just didn't seem to be any other way with you. no matter what you did, it was never right for him. after Anakin died and the Jedi basically disappeared you had begged obi wan to stay as your master, but there was just not enough good in the Jedi any more. it was evident in how you acted and the evil poisoned your veins.

"I keep seeing Anakin master" you confessed, tucking your knees to your chest.

he sighed again but this time he gave you a sympathetic look.

"I know it's hard for you y/n" he said, kneeling in front of you, "but you need to try and erase him from you mind".

"I don't think I can. he was my best friend master."

"I know" Obi wan said. he was silent for a moment and you felt sadness radiate off of him. "you know what? training is over. go get some rest"

"thank you master" you said and slowly stood up, you legs hurt from sitting all day. then you made your way to the door, "goodnight".

"goodnight y/n" he said and offered you a kind smile. you smiled back before leaving the room and heading to your room.

Obi wan and you had inhabited an adequate sized hut on tatooine after the fall of the Jedi. it was secluded and perfect for two people. your rooms were separated by a courtyard which also hosted as a cooking area. your bedrooms were as bland as the sand that covered the planet, only holding a bed, a dresser and a small mirror on your wall. there was also a bathroom that wasn't decorated either. you missed your home on coruscant, the small apartment you lived in had been so much brighter and lively. you missed hearing the buzz of ships and staying up late with Anakin, reading Jedi texts or just being silly. telling jokes until you choked from laughter. you missed him dearly, he had been your first and only friend in the Jedi academy and he was basically your brother. Anakin was a few years older than you and he protected you from everything. that night there was no more protection. not from him anyways.

as you changed in to your night clothes, images of that night played in the back of you mind. waking up in your dark room and feeling something entirely bad bottled up in the building. running past Jedi who were trying to escape, padme calling for Anakin, eventually you found him standing at the end of the hallway as if he had been waiting for you. his lightsaber lit up his face in the dark.

"you don't have to do this Anakin!" you had called but it was too late, he had ran to you with his saber in a defensive position, and right before it hits you, it flew from his hands and turned off. Obi wan stood on the other side of you with his saber. Anakin turned from you and ran down the opposite hallway.

you went to bed on autopilot, not really paying attention because of the daydream you were having.

"are you alright?" obi wan had asked you in a panicked voice. you only nodded and tried to hide how horrified you were.

"go with padme. keep her safe" he told you, putting his hand on your shoulder.

"of course master" you said in a shakey voice. he started down twords where Anakin had gone but before he could disappear you called to him, "Obi wan!"

he turned around, shocked to hear his name out of your mouth, "y/n?"

your eyes had welled up with tears, "don't let him kill you".

don't let him kill you. it was a strange request. should you have said the opposite? Anakin was closer to you than Obi wan, and Anakin was the one in trouble. maybe deep down in your heart you knew he was too far gone..

"I won't".

there was a knock at your door and you snapped out of your daydream.

"what?" you asked, your voice was dry from breathing hard.

"are you alright?" you heard him say through the door.

"yes? are you?" you lied.

"I know that's not true, may I come in?" he asked politely.

"yes" you said and unlocked the door with the force. he slowly opened the door and took a seat at the edge of your bed. his blue eyes were illuminated by the moonlight.

"tell me what's wrong" he said softly. you sat up in bed and leaned against the headboard. it was silent for a moment before you looked down at you hands.

"I can't stop thinking about him" you mumbled. "I know we weren't supposed to be attached to anyone but I loved him"

tears started to blur your vision as you rambled, "he was my brother and when he died I wanted to kill myself Obi. I don't know what to do... maybe I wasn't ment to be a jedi"

his eyes widened at your words. Obi wan had never seen you look so completely helpless. he wanted to hold you and assure you that everything would be ok.

"y/n" he started, "I'm so sorry you feel this way. I know I've been harsh to you recently and I want to make it better. don't ever think you're not good enough, you're here for a reason. I know losing him was hard, I loved him aswell." he swallowed thickly, trying to keep a calm aura. "but I know that wasn't him. it was an evil one cannot control, and I know that if he were here today you would be happy and nothing would be the matter"

Obi wan choked on his words when he saw your broken face. he reached out and grasped your hands, "please y/n, don't keep it to yourself. you were made for greatness I know. what can I do to help?"

you let out a shakey breath as tears fell on to your lap. you didn't want to cry in front of your master. it was embarrassing to be crying like a child. but he didn't say anything so you continued to let out silent tears. your head hung low and your shoulders shaked lightly.

"y/n" he mumbled, almost silently.

you looked up at him, sniffing lightly.

"do you need anything?" he asked, "absolutely anything?"

you wanted him to hold you. it was wrong to find this comfort in your master and you knew that if you asked we would probably revert back to his old ways. he somehow sensed it from your silence because he scooted closer to you and pulled you into his arms. you choked out a sob into his shoulder, feeling an overwhelming feeling of something you couldn't describe. it was a warm feeling, that spread throughout your body. you clung onto each other and soaked in the warmth. he ran his thumb up and down your back. after a moment you slowly pulled away and looked up at him. he wiped the tears from your eyes and smiled timidly.

"thank you" you mumbled.

"of course" he said, but his hand lingered on your face. you subconsciously leaned into his touch. your arms were still loosely draped on his shoulders and you realized how intimate the position was. neither of you pulled away though, instead you noticed his gaze travel to your lips, something unreadable was behind his eyes. Obi wan looked back up at you before slowly leaning in. you could feel his breath on your lips and you closed your eyes.

suddenly you felt your lips touch softly. he cupped your face and his beard tickled against your skin. you had to turn your head slightly to completely capture his lips. it was as if he was kissing away all your pain and anxiety because suddenly you felt the warmth again, but this time it was more powerful.

that is until he pulled away. Obi wans forehead pressed against yours and he huffed lightly.

"what?" you asked quietly.

"nothing" he said with a smile. you smiled too and kissed him shortly. he let out a surprised noise when you pulled away.

"better now?" he asked.

"I think so" you nodded and fully pulled away. he smiled and went to get up.

"wait" you mumbled, "you can't leave now". you pouted lightly.

"and why not?" he joked.

"what if the nightmares come back" you matched his tone.

he thought for a moment, "hmm that's a good point" he said and sat back down. you scooted over for him and he laid beside you.

"thank you" you said.

"of course" he smiled again and tucked you into him.

and the nightmares never returned.

[brian-roger-deaky-and-fred]

Family (John x Reader)

Summary: The Reader comforts John after Freddie "Kills Queen".

Warnings: General Angst (It's got a happy ending and all that but it'll make you emo, fam)

A/N: Can you believe I was originally writing smut but it turned into this!?!? What?!?!? Also, the smut is still coming, kids. If this is makes you too sad, just know that halfway through I had the idea for the reader to be comforting Deaky after Freddie's death, but I didn't do that bc just the idea made me tear up. You can thank me later for not doing that to you all. Thank you SO MUCH for your kind words! I LOVE hearing from you in my inbox and in the comments. This can be read for Joe!John or real John :)

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It had been the week from hell. It seemed that every night, John came home more discouraged and frustrated. Freddie hadn't been acting like himself. Everyone could see it, just as clearly as they could see the nasty smirk that had been permanently stuck on Paul's face for the past months. Freddie had a talent for many things, one of which was the ability to make everyone feel like they were his friend, but as time passed, he had grown defensive and cold. It was heartbreaking. The boys had done everything in their power to help him. All of them had shaken off countless hurtful digs and ignored his skipped rehearsals. They'd all gotten used to disregarding how painful it was to watch their friend slip away.

Come Friday, you were crossing your fingers, practically begging the universe to give the band a good, happy day. They needed it. John hadn't been sleeping well. He'd started having nightmares. You'd find him in the living room at three in the morning looking pale, his hand shaking as he took sips from a glass of water. He felt things so intensely. You could tell how much it hurt him. It was torturous, watching them all fall apart.

The minute he walked through the door, you knew something was wrong. More wrong than usual. His eyes were red and puffy. You took a little step forward.

"What's happened, love?"

He swallowed, pursing his lips. "Freddie's quit." He nodded, obviously trying to act like it didn't bother him, "It's over."

Your heart dropped into your stomach. It didn't seem real. His jaw clenched, numbly.

You moved towards him cautiously, taking his face in your hands, "You're frightened..." the words were whispered.

He bit his lower lip too hard. Eyes falling to the ground, he nodded slowly. A tear trailed across his cheek and he quickly brushed it away with his shirt sleeve, keeping his face hard and emotionless.

You ran your thumb over his cheekbone. His eyes fluttered shut as you kissed another tear from his cheek. He swallowed thickly and you wrapped your arms around him, circling his neck. You could feel him holding your waist just as tightly.

"They're my family..." He choked into your shoulder.

"-And they still are, sweetheart. They love you. And I love you. And families don't stop being families when things hurt. Pain doesn't stop people from loving each other."

He took in a shakey breath, still fighting his angry, hurt tears. The rain beat on the roof of your apartment and you ran your hands through his damp curls.

"You're freezing, darling. Come lay down, for me."

You pulled your blanket off the back of the couch as he sat, wrapping it around his shoulders.

"I'm going to put some tea on for you, alright?"

He shook his head quickly, grabbing your wrist. "Lay down with me...please..."

Swallowing the knot in your throat, you nodded, and he pulled you into his arms.

The silence was comforting to him, in an odd way. No one was shouting or arguing. No one's words were hurting anyone else. He tucked his nose into your neck and you stroked his curls, soothingly. He took a deep breath as you ran your nails over his scalp the way he had always loved.

"You've no reason to be frightened, my love." A tingle ran down his spine as you mumbled against the shell of his ear, pressing a kiss there. "There you are. Deep breaths, Johnny." You loved him so terribly there, tucked away in your little blanket sanctuary. The two of you laid there for a long while as John listened to the silence.

"What am I to do if one day you decide to leave as well?" His voice was hoarse and weak.

"John, Fred is leaving because he's looking for love in all the wrong places. I've already found love and it's right here...with you." You poked his chest. His eyes fell and he nodded slowly, gaze lifting again as you tilted his chin up towards you.

"I'd never leave my Deaky." You whispered, shaking your head. He gave a sad little smile as your nose brushed against his. 

"Pinky swear it?" He mumbled, offering you his little finger. You hooked it with yours and brought your lips to his. You let yourself lay back against the arm of the couch and he rested his head on your sternum.

"I love you." He whispered against your skin.

"I love you too."

You hummed softly as the fireplace died down. Just when you thought he'd fallen asleep, he spoke again.

"I don't know what we'll do, now."

Your fingers found his shoulders and you rubbed at his tense muscles passively, "You'll do what you always end up doing."

"And what's that?"

"Something Incredible."

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@deakysgirl

[storytimefromthecreed]

A Happy Ending with Shaun and Clay

    When Rebecca had told him that both Desmond and Clay were able to safely leave the Animus, Shaun felt like he wasn’t hearing her correctly. Not that he couldn’t understand the words she was saying, but that she sounded far away and his ears were filled with cotton balls. Rebecca waited for him to react, to do something, so Shaun did what he was good at. As if automatically, he walked back to his work station and went back to work.

    Rebecca watched him a while longer before leaving him alone. It was only then that his feelings leaked through his eyes, and Shaun began to cry. After all this time, Clay could come home. This wasn’t a thought Shaun even entertained anymore. So, what to do now?

    Shaun stayed behind his computer screen for the remainder of the day. The screen was blank, left on his last work. Truthfully, he was pretending to keep his mind busy when really it was running havoc. After all that time in that machine, Clay couldn’t be the same man he was before. How had time altered him? Would he still be the person who believed in the Assassins? Or would be have no opinion on the war? Was rocky road still his favorite flavor of ice cream? Did he still hate rom-coms, but love soap operas? Shaun’s lip was raw from chewing, a habit he thought he’d long overcome. It seemed a lot from the past was resurfacing. 

    Rebecca leaned against the doorframe, her eyes were on the front door oppisite to them but Shaun knew she was watching him. Trying to read him. Searching for a reaction. A negative one, and she would step between them and end the meeting. A positive one, and she was pretend, as she was doing now, that she wasn’t there. 

    Time to be an Assassin, Shaun told himself. Time to be brave. He closed his screen, his back aching from hunching, and he strode over to stand with her. “They’re going to keep us waiting, aren’t they?” Shaun scoffed, his tone uninterested and annoyed.

    Rebecca’s body was tense, coiled for attack, rendering her relaxed pose against the doorframe useless. “They’ve been in there for a while, Shaun, we can wait a few more minutes.” No, they couldn’t. Shaun thought this, but kept his mouth shut in a tight line. His teeth has chewed his lips to a painful point, so now he just used them to clamp his mouth shut. His eyes strained at the door, waiting for it to move.

    When it did, almost an hour later, William and Desmond entered first. William held Desmond securely, gently leading him inside. Desmond was shakey and weak when he sat down on the sofa, but he lolled his head to the side and gave them a warm smile. “Are you guys going to say hi, or what? I was in a coma, you know? I probably missed a lot.” William walked out the door.

    Rebecca headed over to him and gave him a quick hug. Shaun knew she wanted nothing more than to hug him and ensure he was really there, really safe, but he was frail even to him; so Rebecca did a manual inspection whilst jabbing him. “All that time in a coma didn’t do anything for your humor, you’re still not funny. How about you save that energy for getting better?”

    “If I get better, then what will you guys do?” Desmond looked around Rebecca, finding Shaun. “What? Not even a coma will get you to acknowledge me?”

    Shaun knew he was teasing, but it must have looked bad the way he was leaning half way out the room and standing in the shadows, frowning with his arms crossed. “You keep playing that coma card, and Rebecca here will have to send you into another one.” Shaun took one shakey step after another into the room until he was at the sofa. Once there, he rested his hand on the back of it, having found that he was weak in the knees. “Besides, we barely noticed your absence, and I got to use my Assassin training to carry the team through such a hard time.”

    “Shaun!” Rebecca hissed, but Desmond was gasping. Or was that laughter?

    “The team is still standing, so I think you did a great job.” Desmond smiled, weaker now from his fit of hysterics. “Seriously Shaun. Thanks. Needed a good laugh.”

    Shaun nodded curtly, back to eyeing the door when William arrived. Tucked under his arm, was Clay. His cheek bones jut out more, almost appearing to break pale skin as he smiled, and his under eyes were dark and sullen. But his eyes, god! His eyes were lively and bright. Even though he looked different on the outside, Shaun knew he would recall those eyes anywhere. Even after all this time, just looking at him made Shaun’s heart blossom. 

    Rebecca hugged Desmond again, placing herself between Shaun and Clay once more. Clay scanned the room, smiling at the lights, admiring the furniture, grinning at Desmond and Rebecca, until his eyes fell on him. The intensity of the gaze caused Shaun to drop his eyes, and stare at the floor. His chest consticted and tears began to well in his eyes. Shaun wished he was anyway other than where he was right now.

    Was there tension in the room? Or was Shaun imagining it? He was too scared to check. Too scared to acknowledge it. As if doing so would make it real. Make Clay real. Had he not wanted this very event? Hadn’t he cried himself to sleep countless nights for the chance to see Clay again? This was it. This was their chance. And yet, Shaun wouldn’t muster the courage to look his love in the eye.

    A weak rasping at the other side of the room made Shaun look up. No longer noticing the eyes of Desmond, William, and Rebecca; Shaun saw Clay, really saw him. His hair was ruffled and dirty, he was thinner, more boney, than when he went into the Animus, but he had that smirk on his mouth. Clay shook his head, his smirk growing into a grin as he did his own inspection of Shaun.

    “What?” Shaun’s voice was shakey. Clay hobbled over to him, William assisting him. Shaun moved past Rebecca. “Stop, let me. You’ll hurt youself.” He took William’s place and propped Clay up. A spark of electricity jolted him when they touched. Did Clay feel it too? Clay leaned against him, his eyes never leaving Shaun’s. 

    “I’m fine, I just need to rest is all. Then I’ll be back to being an Assassin in no time.” Shaun moved Clay over to the chair besides Desmond, and gently lowered him down.

    “Uh, no, you’re not.” Shaun commented sternly. “Resting is your job right now, we’ll discuss the rest later.”

    “Under one condition.”

    “What?”

    “You’re the one taking care of me.”

    Later that night, in their now joined room, Shaun stared out the window while Clay laid on the bed. Neither one of them had spoken much after dinner. Rebecca went with William to aide Desmond, and Shaun had taken Clay to his room. Afterall, that was what he was supposed to do, right?

    Clay just watched him work all night. He ate a dinner of broth and bread, and quietly watched Shaun work until he feel asleep, which was not like him at all. Or was it? Did Shaun really know him anymore? Was this a Clay to be known?

    “Stop thinking about it so much.” Clay’s voice broke the silence of the night. No louder than a whisper, Shaun figured he was probably sleep talking, a habit his Clay had. “You really do have to think about everything, don’t you? God, why can’t you just be happy this happened.” This time, Shaun knew Clay was speaking to him.

    “You’re supposed to be sleeping.” 

    Clay shrugged. “Nightmares.” Though his tone was teasing, Shaun could see the fear in his eyes. Clay was thoroughly frightened. His experience in the Animus was not like anything Desmond went through, and having not gone into the machine himself, Shaun couldn’t emphasize. “What are you thinking about?”

    Shaun couldn’t help the smile this question brought him. On nights when he couldn’t sleep, Clay would pick his brain. This little hint of the past made him relax, and Shaun turned to face Clay. 

    “I’m thinking about how much has changed since we’ve last seen each other.”

    “Right to the point, Shaun? That’s not very like you.”

    “A lot of things that are like me, might not be what I was like before.” Shaun closed his eyes and sighed. When he was nervous, he had a tendency of using too many words. Trying again, Shaun took a deep breahte and said, “Clay, I might not be the same Shaun you remember all those years ago.”

    Clay paused, and then rolled over to his side, watching Shaun. “Just as I might not be the same Clay you remember.”

    “That’s not-”

    “Oh, I know what you meant, Shaun, and I get it. A lot has happened since we were last together. I took on that mission even after you told me you didn’t trust it, and look what happened. Guess I should’ve listened. But by some miracule, I’m back. I know this might not mean anything, but,” Clay chewed on his bottom lip, a habit he had picked up from Shaun. “When I was in the Animus and it felt like my brain was being thrown all over the world, I was always able to bring myself back together when I thought of you. Just anything. How you are terrible at making coffee and that’s why you drink tea. How you sleep with socks on because you’re a weirdo. How you’ve always been the only other person to be more clever and witty than I am. I missed that the most, our banter. I would replay sceniors in my mind about when we tried moving in together but couldn’t decide on the place, or of our first days being Assassins together.” Clay’s voice had gotten thick and he cleared his throat with a cough. “Guess all I’m saying is, I know a lot of time has passed and you may have fallen out of love with me, but I want you to know that that’s ok. I didn’t want you to wait around for me. My feelings for you have never changed, and I just thought you should know that.”

    Shaun was stunned. Clay finished his speech and shifted uncomfortably under Shaun’s gaze. “You know what? We’re tried. I’m sorry. We can talk about this another time.”

    “You think I don’t love you?” 

    Clay didn’t answer. Instead, he looked at Shaun with tear filled eyes, nodding once. “Shauny, it really is ok. I know it’s been a long time, and I’m a hard person to love-”

    “Clay, you’ve always been a jar head, but tell me you’re not serious.” Shaun moved from the window to the side of the bed. He gently took Clay’s hand and held it securely. “I’ve thought about you every night before I fell asleep. Every mission I went on, I thought, ‘How would Clay handle this? How brave would he be?’ Clay, I’ve never stopped loving you. When I saw you again, I didn’t know how to react. Having thought I could never see the love of my life again to having him in the same room as me gave me whiplash.” Shaun chuckled weakly. Tears brimmed his eyes now, and the tears he had held back streamed down his cheeks and down his chin. “I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

    Clay weakly propped himself up, tears running down his face in a similar fashion. “I love you too.” Clay kissed his forehead, and Shaun kicked off his shoes and got into bed. With Clay resting his head on Shaun’s chest, they talked all night until they lulled into sleep.

[kristasampsonxo]

Love is a beautiful thing

& Although from deep in my bones I feel a tinge of panic at the word,

I know that I've loved before because I know the soul wrenching feeling of wearing your heart outside of your chest

But when you reach your hand out I feel my insides jump back a few steps at the thought allowing you to love me

There's my past again standing in the way of my future, the way of my present

Making everything light up that alarm system in the back of my head which always says 'PANIC: EXITS THIS WAY'

Same thing that always has me on the look out for the red flags even though I know I'll find myself looking past them all anyways

Even if that means I'll be left dragging my limbs through the mud looking for a way back home when you're done with me

because I always try to see the good in people like I'm peaking at the morning sunlight through darkened window shades even if the windows were boarded up and nailed down so no one could ever look in again I'd still try to search for the light

But I know that's part of my problem & it's why with you I'm so scared, I know the deeper I fall down this rabbit hole with you the more fragile my heart becomes at your hands

you can only over look so much in so many people just to wind up where you're too often getting hurt before eventually you can't just take that blind leap of faith anymore as much as you want to

& Darling for you I want to, I want you

I've got cuts and bruises in places I don't like to mention & I try to heal the wounds but when I try to move forward I feel all this unwanted tension From within

I wanna let you in

I know you'd help me bandage these wounds until they're healed

& I Know this because as I rocked back and forth on your bed in a panic filled state trying to hold back tears I couldn't explain while you're watching me act in ways youve never seen before & I wonder why I'm someone you'd ever wanna date

but you didn't tell me to "just calm down"

Instead you offered to get me ice for my swollen hand

& when I said no I think I'll just get in the shower you came along with me just in case I was to shakey to stand

& delicately ran conditioner through my hair because you know I don't like the way it feels on my hand

& This brought me comfort but along with it came sadness

Because I wanted to explain how I can't remember the last time someone took care of me, myself included but when I opened my mouth out came no sound & how maybe all I really needed was a loving touch holding me up while I'm feeling down

Maybe all I need is your touch

Your sweet sweet touch which can bring me so quickly from a nightmare to the sweetest of dreams but yet the biggest nightmare of all still sits heavy on my heart, as I think to myself

What if I'm not enough? So I sit there and pick myself apart

or what if I put my all out & lay it for you & you offer to carry half but realize it's all too much part way through

How am I supposed to know if were doing things right when I don't know what love is really supposed to look like

When all of my past relationships were simply a series of me loving too hard & ending up lost in my mind that's made up of everything wrong with me that forces everyone to leave

When I never saw an example of love in my home

it was either my mother & her bashing of my father that we got to see every weekend

or my mother's ex boyfriend who seemed so great at first to my young naive eyes, until i got older and realized his habits of drinking everyday had rubbed off on my mother & now that my body has begun to go through changes suddenly his eyes and comments make me feel uncomfortable until the day he becomes violent both with words and his hands to both my mother & to me

Eventually he leaves after one day things didn't work out his way but the way my mother longed for his presence even after his mistreatment is the way my brain had begun to form the picture of love

Which later i watched the same cycle trickle down the centre of all of my realtionships

when you see yourself as this girl who probably does deserve more but you still cry on the floor begging for forgiveness when youre not the one who should be apologizing

I thank myself so much for growing to see I deserve more

but why can't I actually except more

Why do I have to feel so afraid that when you finally strip off all of my layers you won't see me the same as you do today

I've loved before & I know I love hard

But I think its time I use some of all the love I have to offer, turn it around and point it at myself, so I can let you in to help pave the way of my healing