#opening them just makes me open them irl…
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Okay I’ve been thinking about this because I recently came back to HP fandom after being away for nearly a decade and things aren’t how they used to be. Now, I’ve been in HP fandom spaces since the early 00s (yes, i’m old) and it’s weird to me coming back how much pro/anti stuff there is and how much division there seems to be around different characters and ships. I find it incredibly sad and disheartening.
I don’t remember any of this occurring when I left fandom or before, and it honestly feels completely counter to what I believe fan spaces are supposed to be, which is for sharing love and excitement. What I remember of the majority of HP fandom of old is people liked what they liked, shared what they loved, and ignored what they didn’t. If they were discussing not liking something, it was presented as personal opinion or an essay for open discussion, not a denigrating attack against anyone who thinks or likes differently. If you commented negatively on someone’s fanwork, or harassed someone for their fave character or ship, or went on lengthy anti-tirades, you were considered an asshole or a weirdo.
At the end of the day, we are talking about FANTASY. Why does it matter if someone loves a character or ship you don’t? Fandom is about fiction and that means it’s intended to be somewhere we can explore things we can’t irl, to enjoy things just for the sake of enjoying them. Fandom is supposed to be a safe, communal space.
It’s a sad reflection of the world at large, in my opinion, and hoo-boy do I wish more people would self-reflect why other people enjoying things they don’t makes them feel insecure and why they feel the need to be so hateful and angry—and then go get some therapy. The world isn’t black and white, and one of the best parts about fandom spaces is how diverse they are, because it means you can always find someone else who loves what you love.
So please, go love your favourite characters and ships, and let others do the same. We’re all better off for it.
(And if you would like a much smarter and more in depth explanation of “it’s fantasy and fiction so let people like and write what they want” along with a brilliant discussion on fantasy and sex more generally, I leave you with this video essay by Contrapoints on Twilight.)
youtube
Uh- are you aware of the meaning of proship?
Proship has never meant anything except a combination of three ideas:
Ship and let ship (your ships don't harm me and vice-versa) and YKINMK (your kink is not my kink, and that's okay; my kink stories don't harm you and vice-versa)
Harassment over fiction is not acceptable
Censorship of fiction is not acceptable either
Any other definitions are made by antis, not proshippers, and are an attempt at revisionism to justify harassment based on false claims.
#love and let love#ship and let ship#fandom is for love#fandom is for fun#fandom is for community#fandom thoughts#fiction is fantasy#don’t be an asshole#contrapoints on twilight#Youtube
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my biggest secret! - lee seokmin
warnings: none! oh, "dumbass" used once if that counts as a warning?
pairings: lee seokmin x reader
genre: drunken confession, friends to lovers
wc: 1.3k
a/n: this fic might be fluff but irl I'm barking over those abs PLEASE just one chance lee seokmin
drunken confessions series
check out my masterlist!
seokmin was in high spirits as usual, his laugh booming and eyes crinkling as he clung onto your arm, already tipsy and far more affectionate than usual.
“i love you, you know that?” he declared, leaning his head onto your shoulder. you rolled your eyes but smiled, used to seokmin’s clinginess when he drank.
“yeah, yeah, you’ve said that ten times already tonight,” you teased, but seokmin only tightened his grip, burying his face into the crook of your neck.
“but it’s true,” he mumbled, the warmth of his breath tickling her skin. “you’re so great.”
meanwhile, mingyu, seungkwan, soonyoung & jeonghan started a game of truth or dare, and soon seokmin was pulled back into the chaos, dragging you along with him, your hands still intertwined. his need for physical contact didn’t go unnoticed, and his friends exchanged knowing smiles as seokmin refused to let go, giggling and clinging to you as if his life depended on it.
“alright, seokmin!” mingyu called out with a mischievous grin. “truth or dare?”
seokmin’s eyes sparkled with a challenge. “dare,” he said, puffing out his chest dramatically, earning laughter from everyone.
“i dare you… to do your most embarrassing dance move in front of all of us,” mingyu said, barely holding back his laughter.
seokmin’s eyes widened, and he groaned loudly. “nooooo, mingyu, why?” he whined, but his smile never wavered. reluctantly, he lets go of your hand just long enough to stumble to his feet and perform the silliest, most exaggerated dance move he could muster, waving his arms around and flailing like a muppet. everyone burst into laughter, the room filling with cheers and claps as seokmin collapsed onto the floor in mock exhaustion.
you couldn’t help but laugh, tears forming at the corners of your eyes. seokmin, red-faced and still giggling, crawled back over to you and wrapped his arms around your waist, resting his head on your lap. “did i impress you?” he asked, looking up at you with wide, hopeful eyes.
“definitely,” you said, running a hand through his messy hair. he hummed contentedly, closing his eyes and nuzzling closer.
“okay, okay, your turn!” soonyoung said, pointing at you. “truth or dare?”
you smirked. “truth.”
“boring!” soonyoung groaned, but he leaned forward, eyes sparkling with curiosity. “what’s the most embarrassing thing seokmin’s ever done in front of you?”
seokmin’s eyes shot open, and he sat up, clinging even tighter to you. “nooooo, don’t tell them!” he begged, his voice cracking in mock terror.
you chuckled, looking at him fondly. “be careful! we don't want to have to deal with a sulky & pouty seokmin.” seungkwan warned.
“okay, fine. but remember that time you tried to serenade me with that cheesy love song and tripped over your guitar case in the middle of the chorus?” you teased.
seokmin’s face turned even redder, and he groaned, hiding his face in your lap. “why would you bring that up?” he whined, making everyone laugh even harder.
the game continued, the atmosphere buzzing with laughter and energy. seokmin’s clinginess only intensified, and he kept his hands on you—holding your hand, leaning his head against your shoulder, & even playing with the ends of your hair absentmindedly; as if it was all so natural for him. he was practically glued to you, and his cheeks were flushed a deep red from both the alcohol and his constant smiles.
“alright, seokmin, truth or dare?” jeonghan asked, his voice smooth and teasing.
seokmin perked up, a little too enthusiastically. “truth!” he declared, squeezing your hand like he needed the extra courage.
jeonghan’s eyes gleamed with mischief, “what’s the biggest secret you’ve been keeping from all of us?”
the room went silent for a split second before bursting into oohs and curious whispers. seokmin bit his lip, glancing nervously at you. his grip on your hand tightened, and his laughter suddenly seemed forced, his eyes betraying his inner turmoil.
“biggest secret?” he echoed, stalling for time. he swallowed hard, and you could feel his palm starting to sweat. you glanced over at him, eyebrows raised, and whispered, “you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
but seokmin shook his head, the playfulness draining from his expression. he was quiet for a moment, the tension thick in the air, before he turned to face you fully. his eyes were glassy, and he let out a nervous laugh.
“my biggest secret,” he began, voice cracking, “is that i’m completely, hopelessly in love with you.”
the room fell silent, and all eyes turned to the two of you. seokmin’s face was a deep shade of red, and he looked like he was about to burst into tears as the realisation of what he said dawned on him. he immediately slapped a hand over his mouth, eyes wide with horror. “oh no,” he mumbled, voice muffled. “oh no, oh no, oh no.”
you were frozen in place, heart pounding so loud in your chest you could hear it in your ears. “s-seokmin-ah…” you whispered, but he shook his head frantically, his other hand reaching out to grip your arm like it was a lifeline.
“i’m so sorry,” he whispered, tears welling up in his eyes. “i didn’t mean to say it like that, not when i’m drunk, not like this.” his words began to tumble out faster, voice cracking with panic. “i ruined everything, didn’t i? you’re gonna hate me now that i ruined out friendship like this and-and i just-”
before he could finish, you leaned in and kissed him, cutting off his frantic rambling, hoping this somehow reassures him. his eyes widened in shock, but then they fluttered shut, and he melted into the kiss, kissing you back instinctively, his grip on you tightening impossibly more. the cheers and whoops from your friends faded into the background as you pulled away just enough to rest your forehead against his, your faces inches apart.
“you didn’t ruin anything,” you whispered as you smiled up at him. you pray he doesnt notice the trembling in your voice.
seokmin’s eyes were still dazed, his lips parted as he tried to process what had just happened. “you… kissed me,” he said softly, his voice full of wonder, almost as if he still doesn't understand why you kissed him.
you nodded, cheeks flushed. “i did.”
his eyes slowly lit up as he starts to understand why, a smile breaking through his glassy eyes, and he let out the loudest, happiest laugh, his joy so contagious that the boys around him couldn’t help but smile. he leaned into your touch, his heart bursting with love and relief, and whispered, “this is the best truth or dare ever.”
“okay okay very sweet, really,” soonyoung said, “but I asked you, what's the biggest secret you've been keeping from us, you still didn't answer us!”
“what do you mean?” seokmin asked.
“it means we all knew you were in love with her, you dumbass! it was so obvious to everyone!” soongoing exclaimed, genuinely in shock that seokmin thinks he's slick. “come on, answer us and finish the game!” soonyoung whined.
seokmin’s laughter rang out again, filling the room with warmth. he looked around at his friends, still clinging to you like you were the only thing grounding him. “fine, fine,” he said, the last traces of his embarrassment melting away as he gazed back at you with stars in his eyes. “my biggest secret? it’s that i’m the luckiest guy in the world... because the person i've been in love with for the past 3 years just kissed me.”
your friends groaned and cheered in equal measure, and you couldn’t help but join in the laughter, your heart feeling lighter than ever.
#seventeen#seventeen imagine#seventeen fluff#svt#svt fluff#svt x reader#svt angst#fanfic#seventeen x reader#dk x reader#dokyeom x reader#dokyeom fluff#seventeen dokyeom#dokyeom angst#dokyeom imagines#dokyeom fanfic#dokyeom seventeen#dk fluff#dk angst#dk imagines#dk fanfic#lee dokyeom#lee dokyeom x reader#lee dokyeom seventeen#seokmin seventeen#seokmin x reader#lee seokmin#svt seokmin#seventeen seokmin#seokmin fluff
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hi can u do a paul aron x reader fic where she is like max fewtrell sister and like for a video on yt there react to the readers tiktoks where she has been slowly soft lauching her relationship with paul i hoped that makes sense can lando also be there reacting to the tts too she then later confrims she dating paul
smau/irl
TikTok Secrets (Paul Aron X Fewtrell! Reader)
Fandom: RPF/F2/F3
Requested: Clearly (I love this so much, side note, I'm open to writing for Max Fewtrell now)
Warnings: sexual inuendos ig
POV: Second Person (You/your/They/them)
W.C. 1427
Summary: A quadrant video unearths a secret crush (at least, to Max it was a secret)
As always, my requests are OPEN
MASTERLIST // HITLIST
~~(^Pinterest)
Max thought this was an interesting idea. He knew you were always on TikTok, and as a member of Gen-Z, you were bound to have some questionable videos in your likes. He had mentioned the idea briefly to Lando, but then Lando agreed it would be funny to go through your liked TikTok videos for a Quadrant video.
You showed up in the studio clueless since he didn’t tell you what the video was before this. You just handed your phone to Lando because that’s what you always did. Lando or someone behind the camera would take everyone’s phones out of the room, so there would be no interruptions. It was something that didn’t make you bat an eye.
“Hello everyone, and welcome back to another Quadrant video,” Max started off. “We have my sibling here, and today, we will be going through their TikTok liked videos.”
“Wait, Max, no,” You tried to protest as Lando handed the phone to Max. It was times like this when you regretted not having a stronger password on your phone. “I never agreed to this!”
“It’s not like you have anything to hide, eh?” Max teased as he opened your TikTok immediately and went to your liked videos. Thankfully, nothing super questionable played out when the app first loaded up. “See? This is normal Gen-Z humor stuff.”
You had been on a brain rot cycle that morning, so most of your recent liked videos were super random. The recording went on with casual and chaotic banter between you and Max, with Lando chiming in from time to time again from behind the camera. All was well until Max reached the section of videos you didn’t want him to see. The edits.
“Woah, does my sibling have a crush on a certain F2 driver?” Max teased as he watched the seemingly never-ending Paul Aron edits in your liked videos. “I thought this was a joke, but this is a little excessive, don’t you think?”
“Max, cut it out, please,” You pleaded as you tried to grab your phone. “I’m begging, cut this out.”
“Tell me, and I’ll cut it out of the video,” Max replied as he set your phone down but kept it out of your reach.
“Cut the cameras now, and I’ll spill,” You countered, and Max nodded, gesturing to Lando to stop the recording. “Maybe I have a crush.”
“My little sibling has their first crush!” Max gushed as he squished your face between his hands. “You’re all grown up now! Stop it.”
“I can’t really just stop,” You chuckled, pushing his hands away from you. “I’m almost 20 now, Max. I’m more than grown up.”
“You’ll always be my little sibling, and that’s final,” Max joked. “So, do you need me to set you up with Paul?”
“You don’t even know Paul,” You chuckled in disbelief. This was not how you thought he was going to react, but you’re not complaining yet.
“I’m more in the motorsport world than you are,” Max pointed out, “And by association, I’m closer to him than you. Let me set you two up.”
“Fine, if you want,” You relented, rolling your eyes. “Can we wrap this video up now? I’d like to go back onto my brain rot streak.”
“You Gen-Zers,” Max muttered, shaking his head.
“You are Gen-Z too, technically,” You teased, using this time to snatch your phone. “Now, let’s end this video.”
“Fine,” Max groaned before gesturing to Lando to resume filming, “Well, that does it for this video. We’ll see you next time!”
~
~
“Y/n, explain now,” Max pressed as soon as you answered his call. You were lying in bed with Paul at the hotel since it was the start of the race weekend, and his call woke you both up. If he was going to start your day like this, you weren’t going to be nice about it.
“What ever happened to “hello”, “good morning”, “how are you”, “what are you doing”, or y’know, any conversation starter?” You dragged out as you put the phone on speaker and laid your head back against Paul’s chest.
“Hello, good morning, how are you? What are you doing? When were you gonna tell me you were already dating Paul?” Max rushed, getting progressively louder as his sentence went on.
“Hello to you too. I’m doing well other than you woke us up at the ass-crack of dawn-”
“What do you mean “us”? Is he with you right now?” Max cut you off.
“Yes, now, if I can continue,” You cut back in with a sharp tone, “We were asleep, and you woke us up at the ass-crack of dawn. Do time zones mean nothing to you?”
“How was I supposed to know you were with him?” Max defended, almost completely forgetting his original point of the call.
“I told you I was going out of England for work,” You explained. “I said I was going to Qatar for work. I literally texted this to you yesterday.”
“You work with Paul? Since when?” Max questioned.
“Since I realized I can work remotely. Graphic design can be done from anywhere. I just decided this week it’s being done in Qatar,” You justified, looking up at Paul, who was trying his hardest not to laugh. “Was there a point to this, or can we go back to sleep? We had a long night.”
“Don’t fucking tell me what you did last night!” Max screamed into the phone, and both of you started laughing out loud. “Don’t laugh at this! I don’t wanna know what my youngest sibling does with the boyfriend I didn’t know they had! You’re just a baby!”
“One, I’m not a baby. Two, our flight got delayed, and we didn’t get to our hotel until about 2 this morning. We’re too tired to do anything but sleep, Max,” You deadpanned once you calmed your laughs.
“I at least would’ve expected you to tell me before you posted it,” Max complained.
“Would you like to know how long before we announce that?” Paul chipped in.
“I don’t wanna hear anything from you,” Max snapped before completely changing his tone, “Y/n, how long have you been with Paul?”
“About 9 months,” You chuckled at his quick switch. “We wanted to make sure we were strong before letting everyone in, and you were included in that. Sorry, bro.”
“Do not “sorry, bro” me like that’s gonna fix this,” Max complained, knowing you always pulled this whenever you wanted to sweep something under the rug. “It’s not gonna work on me.”
“Sorry, bro,” You said again with a smirk, “I’ll call Mum and tell her how much you hate me. I’m sorry, bro. I didn’t mean to make you feel left out.”
“No, I was just a little hurt. It’s fine,” Max comforted, feeling bad that he made you feel upset. Despite his original anger towards the situation, he hated making you feel bad. Call it a big brother thing, but he feels bad whenever he’s the reason behind your pain.
“So you’re not mad at me?” You pouted even though he couldn’t see you, but Paul could. He knew you were using your younger sibling power to get your way.
“No, I can’t be mad at you,” Max comforted, “I can understand where you two are coming from, so I’m not upset about it.”
“Good, we’re going back to sleep now then,” Your tone switched back to its usual peppy style, “I’ll call you later this weekend or something. And don’t worry, we’ll be safe, promise.”
You didn’t give him the chance to say anything as you ended the call and put your phone on Do Not Disturb. You moved it back to the bedside table as you got comfortable in Paul’s arms again.
“You know you gave him a heart attack, right?” Paul chuckled lightly as he wrapped his arms around your shoulders, pulling you to be practically on top of him.
“That’s my job as the younger sibling,” You replied sleepily as you got your head comfortable against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. “You do the same thing to Ralf, so don’t even start.”
Almost on cue, Paul’s phone started ringing. Who was calling? Ralf.
~~~~~
© BAD268 2024. DO NOT REPOST WITHOUT PERMISSION.
#paul aron x reader#paul aron imagine#paul x reader#paul aron#formula 2 imagine#formula 1 x reader#formula 1 imagine#formula 1#formula 2 x reader#max fewtrell x reader#formula 2#max fewtrell#hitech#ralf aron#bad268#ship268#thing268
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actually taking the last bit out of the tags of that post because here is the thing. and I'm going to use specific examples, because I think it's illustrative.
the two groups of people in this fandom who have specifically harassed me have been, as I've said before, imo/dna fans mad I don't find the ship very good, and (to be fair, only on one occasion) shadowido/mauk fans who got mad that I said that tagging ao3 fic about throuples with individual pairs sucks. [hilariously the latter was not even about them at all, it was about me looking for imogen and fearne ship fic that wasn't witchy trio fic and finding it almost impossible to filter].
I do not like these people because they have engaged with harassment. It is not about identity; it is about actions. My closest friend, and the first non-family member I talked to on Wednesday morning, is a bi woman in an open marriage to a woman, with a longterm male partner. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. The last time I visited her, in September, I was joined by other mutual friends, who are similarly in an open marriage with longterm partners and at least one relationship between two women.
I am entirely secure, in my personal life, that I am kind and accepting to queer women (of which I am one) and to poly people (of which I am not), and so I hope you can appreciate that if someone attempts to attack me on the internet on these grounds because I do not have the same exact opinions on pretend people kissing, my response isn't "oh my god I should go off and die because I'm a terrible person," it's "get a load of this moron making wild assumptions about my personal life based on a single data point in my preferences in fiction; I'm going to make them regret doing this to me, and hopefully anyone else, because this is genuinely a detrimental behavior in the fandom space." And also, you know what. If they were a homeless person on the street and asked for a dollar I would still give it to them if their attacks were merely verbal (yes, I know the idea of someone screaming "YOU'RE A LESBOPHOBE FOR HATING IMO/DNA can i have a dollar" outside the grocery store is rather comical, and I think that is how you need to consider statements like "um actually I won't help pro-shippers." Imagine that conversation happening in an irl activist group. Everyone would be like "uh...anyway, how do we fight back against this hostile bench architecture.")
I think right now it is vitally important to remember what actual bigotry looks like and what needs to be fought, and the reason I tapped the sign of this post last night is literally that I think you are wasting time and energy engaging with people who think bigotry is "criticizing the pretend guy Ashton Greymoore for concrete but pretend choices they made" when I also think most people criticizing Ashton would, if Ashton were real, still toss them change if they needed it, or are people who currently donate to or otherwise work with local programs that assist nb people, disabled people, or unhoused children.
I like to argue and I like to engage in fandom and I will continue doing that because it is a source of enjoyment and comfort for me, but I really urge everyone to ask yourself "am I arguing about genuinely different readings, or do I think that everyone who doesn't like my blorbo ship is a bad person" because if it's the latter, I think you need to nip that in the bud of online fandom before it grows into something darker and worse. A lot of irl hate and bigotry starts from a place of "everyone who doesn't agree with me and give me what I want all the time is wrong and evil" and perhaps I am too optimistic, but I think many people who say things like that in fandom just are caught up in the drama of it all and are capable of exercising empathy when they stop treating shipping or interpretation like a popularity contest that, if they lose, indicates that everyone around them is irredeemable. But I also think it can be the start of a really bad path.
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quick context: character im doing is shå; she is the girlfriend of angu, one of the main characters in neim’s worldbuilding project, kunirn. shå uses she/her, angu uses she/ her, kik (angu’s close friend/basically brother at this point lmao) uses he/xey 👍
1. i reckon she’s usually too busy beating people up to have other hobbies but like. does cooking count as crafting? she crafts. food lmao
2. this bitch might be trans but she wears the manliest man cologne lmfao like. whatever the kunirn equivalent of something tobacco, sandalwood and orange would smell like. man shite /fem
3. fuck yeah!!! that’s basically the main thing she does besides being gay and fighting people
4. mmmm not really, unless her and angu are baking together for the sillies (kik sometimes joins in too)
5. yeah!! she has the Ǎtrothang mark on her right shoulder (shown at the bottom of the post) as well as loads of others hjehekr
6. probably kik (angu’s friend n basically non blood brother) bcs xey seem like they would work the best under pressure and know first aid. all that shit yknow [update. neim told me that kik is canonically good at patching people up so i was right!]
7. bitch isnt scared of anything except her parents, and thats fairly normal i think. guys thats normal. right. ri-
8. yeah she probably has the weirdest collections of shit. stuff like bones, eyeballs, that kinda thing
9. she usually tries to just wait it out and continue whatever she’s doing, but when it gets so bad she can’t, she just leeches to angu until it goes away
10. not standing up to her parents’ bullshit :[
11. ehhhh probably not anything. canon but she seems like the kind of person who would
12. oh yeah shå has amazing style /gen this bitch dresses like the most butch lesbian. also she’s just hot lmao (evidence at tje bottom)
13. not in the slightest lmao
14. absolutely. it took her close to a year to open up to angu about her parent bs so. yeah just a bit
15. she’s just a silly lil guy. the sillies! silly and tiny and definitely doesnt have a really dark/horny sense of humour!
16. nope and nope :D
17. basically never. she stands by what she believes at doesnt bend for anyone
18. easier to become her enemy than her friend :3
19. you have to be pretty awesome she has trust issues lmao
20. meh not really seeing as her life in Ǎtrothang was. pretty traumatising
21. friends. friends for sure
22. never
23. n/a shes immortal /j (in other words doesnt think about dying ever)
24. most people are her enemies :3👍
25. uh morning routine, wake up and get on with the day. evening routine, go to bed and toss n turn until she eventually falls asleep
26. she’s her own hero (aka has no heroes (except maybe kik or angu but thats just her being gay lmao))
27. i mean. her meeting angu was pretty much a chance encounter and that changed her life drastically so!
28. # idontthinkgamingexistslmao
29. i’d want to be but she would scare me 😔
30. she doesn’t want to be famous. the less people who know her, the better
31. i would probably give her some sort of silly telepathic powers, she’d want invisibility
32. being afab (she doesnt mind the dick but she occasionally gets dysphoria thinking that she’s a Fake Woman because she has not biological booba (she is the most womanly woman i know))
33. oh yeah. i think angu, shå and kik would play silly ttrpgs the same way i play dnd with neim and my irl mates
34. terribly. she hides it well, but inside she’s struggling :[[[
35. in charge of her own destiny. fuck the dead gods she’s deciding her fate
36. yes and uh. for legal reasons no /hj
37. she doesn’t really like the gods, n chooses to just kinda. do her own thing lmao (same as angu but less Loud About It /lh)
38. she doesn’t dream (me core)
39. definitely!!! that sounds fun as shit!
40. she would be able to pull it out first try because shes a big strong jerboa. speaking of pulling ou-
41. she hates making mistakes so doesn’t learn from them as much as. promise herself not to make the same mistake again
42. yeh! she speaks mainly speaks rurleki (surprisingly. the language of rurlek) but also speaks atro from living in atrothang
43. fairly well, except mentally. afterwards she’ll freak out but she’s usually fine in the moment
44. only angu, not even kik i dont think
45. wing it gdejdbksbdkf
46. for sure, she probably lies quite a lot lmao
47. she would for quite a few people, ofc including angu and kik
48. in a heartbeat. revenge quest time babyyy!
49. nah she knows the difference. big difference (this is a threat 👍)
50. shes a trans lesbian jerboa!!!!! what is there to not love!!!!!!!!!
@neim-batteries-not-included haiiiiii :3
You've Got Questions and I've Got Answers OC Edition
Do they have any crafting hobbies?
Do they wear perfume/cologne? If so what scents do they prefer?
Do they enjoy cooking?
Do they enjoy baking?
Do they have any tattoos? If so what are they and do they have any special meaning?
If they were badly injured, and for whatever reason couldn't go to a hospital, who would they go to for help?
Do they have any unusual fears?
Do they collect anything? If so what and why?
When they're sick what do they do to feel better?
Do they have any regrets?
Do they have any addictions?
Do they have any sense of style? Regardless of the answer do they believe they have a sense of style?
Do they enjoy poetry?
Do they have a hard time opening up to people?
What kind of sense of humor do they have? Or do they have one at all?
Do they have or want kids?
How easily would they be convinced to do something that goes against their morals?
How easy is it to become their enemy?
How easy is it to become their friend?
Do they have a strong connection to their culture?
What is more important to them, friends or family?
Would they ever betray someone for money?
How would they want to die?
Do they have any enemies?
Do they have a daily/nightly routine?
Have they met any of their heroes? Did they regret it?
Has a chance encounter ever had an unexpected effect on them?
Are they a #gamer?
If they were real would you be friends with them?
If they had the chance to be famous would they take it? If they are famous would they rather they weren't?
What superpower would you choose for them and what would they choose for themselves? If they have one would they choose something else?
If they could change one thing about themselves what would it be?
Do they play ttrpgs? If so what kind of characters do they play? Or are they more likely to GM?
How well do they deal with grief?
Do they believe in fate or do they believe they are in charge of their own destiny?
Would they ever kill someone? Have they already?
Are they religious? If so do they have a strong sense of faith, are they uncertain, or are they somewhere in between?
What are their dreams like? Do they have any recurring dreams/nightmares?
Would they ever crash a wedding?
If they found a sword in a stone would they try to pull it out? How would they react to being able to pull it out or not?
Do they learn from their mistakes?
Can they speak multiple languages? If yes which all do they speak and why?
Can they handle stressful situations?
Who, if anyone, would they trust with their deepest secrets?
Do they plan in advance or just wing it?
Would they lie to get out of trouble?
Would they lie to get someone else out of trouble? Even if they would have to take that someone else's place?
How likely are they to go on a quest for revenge?
Do they have trouble keeping their enemies and their friends straight?
What is your favorite thing about them?
I love these so I figured I'd make one of my own! Just be sure that if you reblog this ask one or two of these to the person you reblogged from (。•̀ᴗ-)✧
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A heart that hurts is a heart that works - Something Rotten sequel.
first part can be read here
Pairing: Dark!Joel Miller x afab!reader x Dark!Tess Servopoulos
Words count: 3829
Rating: Mature, absolutely NSFW and again, this shit is triggering. Please, read the tags carefully and if you're a minor don’t interact.
Tags/warning: This happens the morning immediately after the events of Something Rotten, pov second person, no use of y/n, DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT, heavy degradation, angst, smut, DUB CON/NON CON, reader is barely described, she has breasts and vagina, no mention of her skin tone, she doesn’t blush, she has hair but it’s not described, it is mentioned that Joel's clothes are too big for her (pics are just for aesthetic and don’t represent reader), the only thing is that reader's father died of lung cancer (like mine), depressive thoughts, as said in the first part: reader is held prisoner by Joel and Tess, on her leg is carved the word “pet” (Tess did it), use of a knife, groping, a large amount of bites, mention of wounds, mention of bruises, no kindness whatsoever towards reader, Joel and Tess are both EVIL, fingering (Tess receiving), oral (Tess receiving) spitting, nipples sucking and biting (it's not my ff if there is no attention towards nipples OKAY), unprotected p in v (both f receiving, wrap it up IRL), pussy slapping, cum eating, Joel comes on reader’s face, pissing, a little more scissoring, a little bit of chocking, squirting, brief insert of reader's thoughts in italics… I think it’s all 😅 If I notice I've forgotten something important I'll add it right away.
A/N: Title comes from a Placebo song called Bright Lights. It seemed right to continue with them since "Something Rotten" is also one of their songs. Anyway, I leave you the entire playlist that I listened to while I was writing both this and the first part and again thank you very much to those who recommended songs to me ♥️
There is something of my experience and pain in this so please be particularly kind. English is not my first language and I have no beta, I apologize for any mistakes. I hope you enjoy it, thank you so much to anyone who reads it.
[I started a tag list, if you want to be added let me know, I never tag people because I don't want to impose anything on anyone but if you like it I'm happy too ♥️ ]
Your mind is completely clouded. You open your eyes and for a moment you don’t remember where you are, you rub your eyes, feeling your aching body awaken, the pain of every joint coming back to you. You reach out and press a spot on your stiff neck, a stab of pain shooting up your brain like a gunshot and then sliding down your spine, making you grit your teeth to stifle a moan.
You shut your eyes as images of what happened flash before your eyes, a piercing pain taking over your head.
You don’t know how much time has passed but when you manage to sit up, biting the pain between your lips, you see a bright light coming in through the dirty window, a speck of dust stirring in the beam of light that illuminates the messy bed, the crumpled sheets and the two people lying on it. Tess is on her side, her arms folded, her hands resting on the pillow, near her head. There is always a kind of tension in her, you see it even when she is sleeping, in her huddled body that seems ready to attack and unleash its claws on anyone. She is wearing nothing but panties and Joel’s shirt left open, revealing the outline of her breasts.
She should disgust you, but instead as soon as you see one of her nipples poking out from under her shirt salive pools into your mouth. You put a hand to your forehead, overwhelmed by yourself, by what you feel and by a shame that creeps up inside you and makes your temples throb.
This is so wrong. Yet you would like to lace your lips on that little button and suck it, if only she would let you do it, if only she would let you lie next to her gently, allowing you to be the good pet she expects you to be.
Shifting your gaze to Joel doesn't help soothe your twisted mind. He’s on the other side, lying on his back, in his boxers, your eyes wander on the defined muscles on his chest, the softness of his belly, and a strip of sunlight hitting his abdomen highlighting hair leading to his groin.
He seems carved out of a block of marble, skimmed by scars, exuding power and sex, the tips of your fingers graze your swollen lips and you still feel his taste, the weight of his cock on your tongue, his relentless thrusts, his hungry eyes on you.
They must have fallen asleep, which gave you some respite even if you don’t feel rested at all.
You look at your thigh and it's still there, the pulsing sign that you should leave, just run while you can, sneak out of this place quietly and look for somewhere to hide. But you feel like a mouse in a cage, your body not moving an inch. You’re still untied; it would take nothing to reach the door and close it behind you. But what if they woke up? If they felt the bed lighten with your weight? You know they'd have you back in an instant.
Your brain, you can't decide whether very stupidly or very wisely, thinks that it is better not to make any risky moves to stay alive.
Helpless and desperate you lie back on the bed staring at the ceiling, the silence broken only by Joel's soft snoring.
Your arms spread across the bed as you sink into your thoughts and your fingers casually graze the knife abandoned on the sheets. The coldness of the blade sends a chill down your spine.
You have to do something for yourself. At least try. You cannot be so spineless. You move one leg off the bed, your eyes fixed on your captors, seeming not to notice anything so you move the other leg as well, letting yourself slide cautiously along the edge of the bed, finally resting both feet on the floor. You pick up the closest garment you can find on the ground, it's a Joel T-shirt, wide and long enough to cover your butt. You just have to get up, you can do it. Leaning your weight on your legs feeling your knees crack in the effort, you wonder what in your body is not sore. You are on your feet. Joel and Tess are motionless in the same position as before. You walk on the floor resting your toe and then your heel, silent and terrified like a prey trying to evade before falling into the lion's jaws, hoping that the wood will not creak under your gait. You reach for the door. You almost make it. Just rest your hand on the handle and lower it. A moment and you're out of here. As soon as your hand touches the cold metal you hear a voice behind you, “Where do you think you're going?”
You feel your heart falling out of your chest, freezing where you are, your eyes at the door, your breath getting heavy.
“Turn around”
You do it slowly, praying you don't feel a blow immediately afterward. Joel is standing in front of you. “Please” your voice is a barely audible whisper ”please.”
Joel reaches out, grabs you by the wrist “no fucking way”
He doesn't add anything more, he takes you back to the bed, forcibly lays you down and lies on top of you. His eyes look at you fiercely, he drops down next to your ear “maybe I was wrong about you, you're not the good pet I thought you were. Let me teach you your priorities straight“ he growls, his voice low, sharp.
His body weighs down on you, completely overpowering you, his legs blocking yours, his hands resting on the sheets on either side of your face.
"I give you credit for that. You were brave to think you could sneak away. But also incredibly stupid." His voice vibrates close to your ear, it is eerily calm and controlled, sounding as if it came from the darkest part of him, straight from his gut.
A lump rises from the pit of your stomach to your throat, sickening. "I'm sorry," you stammer, Joel's eyes lighting up with that sinister hue you now know like the back of your hand.
He retrieves the knife from above the bed and places the blade under the fabric of the T-shirt, cutting through the sleeves and tearing it from the neck to the hem, reducing it to a shred of fabric lying beneath you. You tremble when the icy blade touches your skin.
His boxer-covered erection presses against your thigh, against your wound.
Again you wonder what substance your mind is now made of because feeling him against you, demanding, claiming your body, makes your pleasure slide down your legs. You can feel it on your skin, a shiver, a wetness, a trickle of you leaving you to become his. You mold under him, relaxing your muscles, ceasing to resist, submitting to his stern eyes nailing you to the bed.
He takes your hands and intertwines them possessively with his own as his legs push between yours, forcefully spreading them apart.
He crawls on you like a rabid dog, inhaling your scent on your neck, down to your sternum, reaching your breast, licking the skin above your ribcage “You were Robert's, weren't you?”
His teeth close on one of your nipples, biting it, your back arches pushing against his mouth, demanding more. “This? It's mine now.” he whispers in a rough voice ‘This is mine too.’ he adds, twisting the other nipple, he moves one hand to your mound, grabbing it ”What about this wet pussy? She's mine too. I own you now. Make sure you don’t forget that, you little cock slave”
And you feel it again. The desire coursing down your body, clinging to your nerves, flowing into the middle of your thighs.
It lingers on you deeply. And you’re pleading at that. Before you sense your own voice saying it, like it doesn’t belong to you, coming out of someone’s else body “Please” you babble “please, more” as he run a single finger through your folds.
Everyone you knew died. Every person you loved is gone, ruined by the spreading epidemic. Except your father, who passed away a few years before the pandemic broke out, obliterated by lung cancer. You still remember his jagged, exhausted breathing getting more and more labored, small and thin, until it died out completely. You still remember the smell of the hospital room, the dimness, your gripped heart, your silent tears. It was something you never wanted to see, the moment when death takes someone. It stays inside, digs deep into you, rattles in the walls of your brain until one day it subsides and remains a creeping awareness you have to live with. A brick in your pocket that will forever weigh of absence, of pain, of lack.
And when you thought maybe you could make it, one day when the brick seemed lighter, pandemic came and your mother turned into a monster. From a fragile woman, still bent by your father's absence, to a ferocious beast with bloodshot eyes that tried to break your neck.
You had had to tear it down yourself, with your own strength, that thing your mother had turned into. And you couldn't explain it for days, or how you had done it, or what had happened. People were running around terrified, not knowing where to take refuge, not knowing if it would ever end. Until they came and loaded you onto trucks, promising to escort you to a safe area. What you were not told was that there was no solution, for some of you there was not even a place in the QZ. The epidemic took away not only the people you cared about but also your dreams, every hope you had for your future, every plan to become a good teacher, to accompany young minds in creating a better world. There is nothing left to create, only destruction.
You could have offered yourself as a teacher in the Qz but you had decided not to bow to a system that spread only government propaganda, instilling in kids that there was nothing else to believe in but FEDRA.
And even in the face of desperation the cruelty had not stopped, some soldiers had tried to take you at night, traumatized and without strength, you had been saved only by the good heart of one of your neighbors who had defended you. You had jumped out of the truck, along with him and some other people, looking for an alternative that would never come. They had fallen like skittles, one after another. You were tired of seeing it, the cold hand of death reaching out to everyone around you.
Your heart still aches horribly, but after all, a heart that hurts is a heart that works. And you're still alive.
He takes the finger away and shoves it in his mouth, enjoying the taste of you and then he’s close to your ear again grazing you with his beard and graveling “I knew you were a little slut,” Joel's heavy breath warms your skin, driving your being back into your body. “When I'm done with you you'll want nothing more than to be my brainless whore”
You’re bucking your hips against him, mindlessly, while he takes your body with his mouth and hands, furiously licking, biting and groping your flesh, moving impatiently over you on the bed and waking Tess up. She takes a few seconds to focus, abruptly recovered from a deep sleep, but then you hear her dry voice, “oh, are you having fun without me?”
Joel does not tell her that you tried to escape. which in itself is a miracle for you. He turns to her just a moment, leaving your nipple with a loud pop .
“Come” he tells her, and it's almost sweet. Almost. Tess comes crawling up on the bed like a feline and looks down at you, smiling cruelly.
“Lie on top of her, make sure this bitch doesn't move” Tess nods, he makes room for her, and she crushes you with all her weight, her scarred back against your tits, as if you were a mat, clinging to your arms as Joel watches the scene smugly "Quite a picture" he growls.
He pulls down Tess's panties, tossing them aside. He does the same with his boxers. “This is exactly what I want. Two pretty cunts all for me”
He stoops to observe you both, his eyes roaming your sexes, his thumb touching you first, a creamy river in between your folds, and then Tess. She snorts “will you hurry up?”
“mmm you're not wet enough honey, but we can fix that”
“Honey”, you think he is the only person who can call Tess that. Anyone else would be out of balls in a heartbeat.
He buries his face in her cunt and you feel Tess stiffen on top of you, her whole body reacting to the first touch of Joel's tongue. You seem to catch a glimpse of submerged fragility behind all that violence and resentment she always displays.
She grips your wrists in a vice as her hips rise toward Joel and a low, deep moan escapes from her throat.
Joel's fingers run hard and calloused over your folds, collecting what drips from you and spreading it over Tess's pussy, mixing your essences, then returning to lick her. And you can feel her, crumbling on top of you, conceding willingly, every muscle in her asking for more.
Each lapping of Joel's tongue on her vibrates over your body like a wave, Tess's butt sliding over your folds, crawling over your clit, giving you reflex stimulation.
“Mmmm just like that, baby, that’s fucking good”
She whines so sweetly under his ministration, an undertone so vulnerable and tender in her voice you almost think she turned into another person. And you are in the front row watching this, a silent witness to the other Tess, the one who still has a shred of humanity hidden within her.
It’s unique, you think, how sex with the right person, a person we care about, a person we share a path with, makes us. Defenseless, no mask to wear against the world. Even Tess, perhaps the coldest woman you’ve ever met.
“Nice and drippy” Joel murmurs, nuzzling at Tess’s cunt “fucking gorgeous”
He dips his nose in there, moving through her folds up to her clits, brushing the tip over it. “You smell so good, babe, such an nice mess for me to feast on”
“Fuck” Tess gasps “just fuck me”
“Yeah baby, I’m going to stretch you both so damn right”
Tess rolls her eyes in twisted need, impatient like the bossy woman she still is and you whine like the shy mess that you are.
So different and yet ready for the same cock.
You noticed the way Joel’s voice soften when he speaks to Tess, the intimacy between them is palpable, in this moment you’re just an appendage.
You want that desperately, belong to someone, to him, to her, to feel his voice and his whole body going unshielded for you.
Joel spits into his palm and takes his cock in his fist, pumping it and then tapping the tip on her cunt, once, twice, three times, rubbing it on her folds, lubricating it with her juices, before getting it all the way inside her. Tess's body arches so desperately over yours, merging with Joel's as he begins to thrust inside her.
She thrashes on top of you, clinging to your forearms, pushing you back against the mattress, her hips swaying over yours again giving secondhand attention to your clit, now so swollen and needy that each thrust you emit a moan in sync with her, shyly participating in her pleasure. You bend your neck slightly to one side to look at Joel standing before you, bronze and sculptural, a cruel god who leaves you breathless. His chest glistens in the dim sunlight streaming in through the window, revealing tiny droplets of sweat beading on him, a grin painted on his face, brows furrowed, lost in Tess's wet walls, focused on pounding on her special spot again and again.
“You like that huh? You like this cock splitting you, yeah, I know you do, fuck you’re so drenched I could take a bath in it, all slippery and warm...mmm baby, just like that. Take it.”
He rests a hand on her belly to hold her more firmly, a sense of possession different from that manifested with you, purer and deeper, made up of silent, recurring gestures between them. It's as if you feel it all the way down into your stomach as he sinks into her, the forced closeness making you almost delirious, sensitive and wanting.
Tess is almost at her peak, sliding on you now unceasingly, her back kneading your breasts, up and down, your nipples impossibly hard against her skin, she stammers "there- there- I'm almost there- oh fuck"
"Not yet, baby, hold it back" he challenges her and she growls in disappointment and frustration, as he comes out of her. Joel brushes against you "it's time to put this slut in her place. You want it huh?" he roars as he looks at you "I can see it from here, you're flowing like a fucking river, clenching around nothing like a whore”
His eyes sparkle with evil. He spits on your cunt, a glob of saliva right on your clit. He spreads it quickly over your entrance and thrusts into you unceremoniously, all the way down, in one breath-breaking stroke. "You're full now huh? Clench around my shaft, bitch”
You feel your walls strangle his cock, eager to hold him inside, to belong to him, to be broken through. "Yes" you moan, not even sure why you had tried to run away from this anymore. Tess wouldn't even need to hold you with her whole body but you'll never say it, the way she bounces on top of you drives you crazy. You are back on the scene now, eager, drunk with a dark, all-consuming desire burning in your veins.
He grips your hips hard, digging his fingers into your thighs, going out and back in you harder, deeper each time, using your cunt as his personal toy, beating on your cervix as if he were to fill it with bruises. And you don't care, welcoming each thrust as if it were the last thing you will ever receive.
Your mouth proceeds alone, bellowing and wailing each moan like an off-key song you can't stop singing, irrepressible, obscene, feverish.
"You're tight for a whore, pet, but don't worry, I'll take care of it." Joel grunts, Tess echoes you, her harsh voice protesting uselessly to let her finish, her legs wrap around Joel's waist claiming him but he is focused on ruining you now with the cruel and unrelenting force he has not reserved for her.
Her nails sink into the skin of your arms, you feel them barely disconcerted by Joel's stabs but a tiny part of your brain knows they will leave more marks on you.
There is nothing gentle about it, no attention, no care, just animalistic thrusts that make your body shake like an earthquake.
You are less, obviously less, but you are still something.
Tess turns on you, looking into your eyes, lowering a hand to your clit, rubbing it furiously and then colliding it with her own, clit against clit, pressed together in sloppy kissing, hips rocking back and forth, sliding up to the point where Joel joins obscenely with you, seeking on her own the finish Joel has not yet given her by using your body.
“Oh fuck, yes,” she screeches, "here we go little slut, give it all to me" biting your skin on the marks Joel left, on your neck, on your tits, sucking your nipples between her lips, unrestrained. She's a wild amazon riding you, untamed, fierce and mean, teeth, tongue and hips demanding no permission and taking from your body what they want.
And then again her hand descends between you to rub her clit as her knuckles press against yours, squirting letting out a guttural sound, flooding you, Joel's cock and the sheets.
Joel growls at the vision “oh that’s fucking right, babe, yeah spurt all over me, FUCK, so good”
And you lose yourself, your sanity flying out the window with your attempts to escape, you are caged by Tess's body, hammered by Joel's cock, you feel their eyes on you looking fiercely, them calling you their slut again and again, that's all you can do.
Tess pulls away from you, Joel holds you firmly by the hips, his face contorts into a grimace, he bites his lower lip as he thrusts himself possessively into you, reaches down and puts a hand around your neck, squeezing your pulse point, smiling cruelly as your air diminishes and your mind becomes rarefied “keep it up slut, milk me” and she scolds him “you can't cum inside her”.
“Fuck” he snorts "you're right". The grip on your neck loosens and you gasp, panting hard, trying to regain oxygen.
Joel slaps your pussy hard with his hand open, ordering: “on your knees, pet.”
You sit complacently on your lap on the bed, uncertain of what he wants to do. Tess is at your side, sneering.
“Stick out your tongue for me.” He says harshly, Tess's hand bends your back, making you squat, waiting.
“Good kitten” Joel grunts stroking his cock up and down, the angry red tip aimed at you. You don't realize it in time that long, thick, streaks of cum hit your face, your mouth, slide down your chin. You close your eyes just a moment before you feel his semen hit your eyelashes and run thickly down your cheek.
“Mmm now you look just like a proper slut” Tess giggles wickedly, then pauses "In fact no, we can do better". She grabs you by the arm, drags you naked as a maggot into the bathroom, and gets you on your knees inside the tub. “Hold still” she barks at you. You close your eyes, trembling, not knowing what to expect, until you feel something warm hit your forehead, run down your face, partially wash the cum off. An acrid, pungent smell makes its way into your nostrils. As soon as it reaches your lips you realize.
You open your eyes, clouded by Tess's piss, her degrading gaze penetrating your bones along with Joel's laughter, standing in the bathroom enjoying the show.
“Now you're perfect.”
tag list: @aurorawritestoescape , @baronessvonglitter
#dark!joel miller#dark!tess servopoulos#dark!joel#dark!tess#dead dove do not eat#dead dove fic#joel miller smut#joel miller fanfiction#joel the last of us#pedro pascal characters#pedro pascal#joel tlou#joel miller au#joel miller angst#joel miller#tess servopoulos#the last of us
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somethings that i needed to get out regarding today's episode:
9-1-1 live airs in the US around 7 am Friday in my country and i get to watch it at 10:30 am on disney hotstar.
I couldn't wait so i was awake all night and was literally on twt since 6:30 am to get some clips.
that's where i find out that bucktommy break up.
i have been devastated all day. i have cried multiple times and i have literally lost count atp. it hurts like an actual breakup and i have absolutely no one irl to share this grief with.
the Abby being the ex-fiance wasn't even a major issue. i have been seen it done so well in so many fics.
Josh's speech was so beautiful and important but then to pull a breakup like that makes no fucking sense.
after what we saw in 8x5 breaking them made absolutely zero sense.
i was too overwhelmed so i tried to sleep and actually watched the entire episode around 11 am. I wanted to keep and open mind and analyse the episode.
twt is literally so toxic rn. I'm not even opening it.
after watching the entire episode i was even more confused as the breakup made zero sense.
we have had 8 seasons of character growth for buck, if they end up making him go back to casual relationships it just feels a complete wastage of 8 seasons of growth.
and from what we've seen in the past episodes the breakup was completely uncharacteristic to both buck and tommy.
it made no sense. why would tommy put so much effort if he knew it wouldn't last.
him constantly showing up for evan and talking about family just made zero sense for him to break up like that.
also it kinda felt weird to bring moving in together before saying i love yous.
and the way he said "the parking spot was too good to be true". this breakup doesn't feel good at all. he was obviously in pain and so was buck. this isn't doing any of them any good.
utter bullshit.
plus the "I'll see you around buck" broke me. like why the fuck would you do that to me and to buck.
it felt like someone put fucking alcohol all over a stab wound and then rubbed salt all over it.
LOW BLOW.
now coming to the post ep interviews which btw made it worse.
i was still under the impression that the way the breakup happened there was still hope for reconciliation because remember even tarlos went through breakups.
but then lou confirmed he might not be back and that this is it. specially that buck line. UGH.
and that #letbuckfuck interview with oliver really triggered me. I'm a bisexual woman and the reason i really loved buck's discovery of his sexuality was bcs Oliver was very determined in Givin a good bi rep.
but this doesn't feel that way. he could have said that he wants to see buck explore his sexuality more with both men and woman but the whole "girl, girl, guy. guy, girl, guy" montage was a very disturbing image.
it feels very stereotypical and biphobic.
it just hurts me so much. idk why i expected so much from a network tv show who has been queerbating for years.
i am gonna be watching this season just to see how they salvage buck's relationship and sexuality. it feels incomplete.
but if it goes in the buck 1.0 direction that's it for me.
i watch 911 as an escape from reality and if it goes so bad i am not continuing with the show.
it has already tested my limits and mental health enough.
also i need to point out that there are a lot of people who enjoy watching sports a lot more than they enjoy playing it. buck is a watcher. he would have loved seeing the Lakers match. just bcs he doesn't like to play doesn't mean he hates basketball.
a little extra side notes-
really excited for another buckley han kid. hope they don't ruin it. want to see how they deal with ppd this time.
also happy for eddie and really hoping he gets chris back soon.
ya'll need to understand how platonic friendship buddie is also so important rn then them getting together bcs eddie is def not ready to date.
if he starts dating he'll feel super guilty for putting his desire above chris all over again.
ALSO FOR PEOPLE IN THE BACK- EDMUNDO DIAZ IS CANON STRAIGHT.
#911#911 abc#bucktommy#evan buckley#tommy kinard#911 season 8#i'm literally sobbing#i'm just gonna cry myself to sleep now#thinking about tevan#eddie diaz#madney#maddie buckley#maddie han#chimney han#911 08x06#fuck you universe#i hate today#i hate twt fans#and i really despise myself for getting so emotionally involved to a fictional character again#they can never make me hate you tommy kinard#lou ferrigno jr#oliver stark#tevan
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Had a lucid dream for the first time in a while last night, I was just in my living room wondering the definition of something and then it popped up on the front door, I don’t remember what it was exactly but it was clearly wrong which got me to realize I was dreaming. Anyway, I’m like “sick, Raiden time” and walk outside to try and make the dream have him show up. He was walking down the street but looked like a nondescript shadowy figure (or at least I told myself that was him to further coax my dream into letting it be the case), he comes over and actually looks like himself at this point, and I got to make out with him for all of 3 seconds before the dream fizzled out 😭😭😭
#i fucking. closed my eyes to lean into it and my brain HATES when I close my eyes while lucid#opening them just makes me open them irl…#tho i didn’t actually wake up this time i don’t think but i went on to go have a completely unrelated dream instead#some fucking lego prison escape nonsense that was also somehow a friends crossover???#anyway bro his lips were so soft put me back#lucid dreaming#my post
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gen loss dump part 2 :]
i have a gen loss playlist so the last two was me hitting randomize and drawing a pic based on the song before it finished. the second one technically isn’t that cause charlie’s inferno isn’t on apple music cause they hate me so it’s way more of the song out of spite because they wouldn’t give it to me.
#spotify is prolly better (definitely is for finding playlists i use spotify to find playlists still and then add those songs to my own lmao#but dad pays for a family apple music subscription and free music streaming is infinitely better then paying for my own spotify#also my wound reference i feel like i let him off easy from the seven foot tall wire security monster#but idk this was drawn a year ago idk what i was doing#like i agree w the vest just being REALLLL bad bruising and internal stuff but i feel like he had wayyyy more open area besides that to get#fucked up besides just his arms#but i guess since the wire monster also got turned off by the button since it didn’t immediately go at ranboo next then maybe that’s still#reasonable idk#generation loss#generation loss fanart#ranboo fanart#continuing my not spamming tags trend so even though i bc puls have tagged all three of them im not gonna#still posting this primarily for me and for everyone else second#OH THE OUTFITS ARE FROM MY PIN BOARDS#I MAKE OUTFIT BOARDS FOR EVERYTHING ITS SO FUN#LIKE EVERY FANDOM IVE POSTED HERE HAS ONE#ITS BAD#and then irl i wear sweats and t shirt lmao#i found mouse trap game board earrings#i spend too much time on those finding highly specific bullshit#the jrwi one is especially cringe cause i have a different section for all of the what ifs#and that shit lasted one (1) episode#also the full color drawing i’m so >:| about it#i need to practice coloring sooooo badly but i always get frustrated w it#i need to slow tf down idk#but thats also from nearly a year ago so
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MMMKAY FUCK IT BEING MORE OPEN ON THIS BLOG LETS FUCKING TRY THIS IG?!??
Anyways also fun thing I've been fucking wanting to tell ppl like. For awhileee is that one if the things I love abt kamojis is that there r several just stimming ones like this pic
Voila:
((o(^∇^)o))
(((o(*゚∀゚*)o)))
((o( ̄ー ̄)o))
O(≧∇≦)O
o(>∀<*)o
(There r more I can't remeber now but. Yeah.)
#is it obvious idk how to. be open v much. (its the. lots of thimgs actually-)#anyways this is. honesty prob jst gonna be me rbing more of my mutuals posts with actually messages instead of just#silently checking in on them .#nd being a little more open nd silly#idk#might still make another side blog thatll be like. a bsd rp oc or smthinf to project on hard but yeah.#:]#also prob gonna. try to use kamojis more actually bcs i rlly rlly like them its just a lot of the time they have blushes and i get.#v scared of being misunderstood! (despite being a fucking insanely easy embarrassed/shame blusher irl-)#enea rambles <3#lol#:3#eneas poor mental health jumpscare :]#probably.
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I’m obsessed
#avatar band#avatar metal band#I’m going to run away and join their circus please take me with you#I’m so fucking obsessed with this band btw. I just heard them for the first time at this concert#they opened for Ice Nine Kills and ohhhh my god. the stage presence they had was amazing#the make up and the vibes!! and the guitarists all head banged their long hair together in unison 🥵#also the matching outfits!!! ahhhh!!! I have a new brain worm#I sorry for everyone I know irl that will have to put up with me blasting this music for the next foreseeable future#and his voice. bruh his voice does things to me. his music is so good.#the Eagle has landed#good song#Hail the apocalypse. another good song#bloody angel. another really fucking killer song#ok I’ll stop now cause I can just go on and on#I literally just heard them for the first time less than 48 hours ago. and I’m so so so so obsessed I can’t stop#they were so much fun to watch live!!!#ok I’ll shut up now
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Boy howdy I love venting about how isolated I feel in therapy and then feeling empty after
#I wanna cry and go back to bed#like why fucking bother trying to make acquaintances or live authentically#I don’t like being perceived but having short hair and a they/them button on my collar is opening myself up to being perceived#and assholes will make comments#so fuck me for trying to find similar people I guess#supposed to overcome agoraphobia but why bother#theres no community nearby#my irl friends have moved on with their lives#and I think I annoy the hell out of them too#I don’t want to leave the house just to spend money and deal with cishet neurotypical people#it’s exhausting#life is exhausting#I fucking hate Arizona#but it’s not so simple as ‘just move’ moving is a giant task#I’m alone#and I’d rather be alone by myself and be comfortable than alone among a ton of people and miserable#i’m just tired
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feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.
#part of me wonders if going to the centre is helping or hurting more#but i think it's definitely helping more. however it is definitely also hurting/making some things worse#i just wish I could be operating at the same level as most of society#and i feel so egotistical when I talk abt this#but like. why am i always so fucking aware of every single thing going on#and everyone else is just painfully oblivious#I AM USING HYPERBOLE. ITS NOT EVERYONE. i know im not the only person ever lmao#when i got my autism diagnosis i thought oh good okay so THIS is why im such a freak#and now I've met so many other autistic ppl irl and um. no. no thats definitely not it still.#yes its probably part of it but im also just. so fucking traumatized i guess idk. i hate this so much#i just want to be the same and fit in and not be analyzing everything and be able to actually speak my mind#and not be so kind and polite and respectful all the time and be able to say shitty stupid things without thinking anything of it#im so tired of being the only one who seems to care so much about everyone else's comfort and feelings#but also at the same time i would hate if i acted like everyone else bc i know how shitty it makes people feel#and people are always so happy to see me because I am useful and make them feel good and comfortable and heard#and that matters. that means a lot to people i think. but also I am not a person. i am a tool.#and I'd really like to be a person#i somehow feel like im operating at a higher level/awareness than almost everyone irl and also way below everyone at the same time#like im so hyperaware of everyone else more than most ppl but im also so socially inept sometimes. and just... idk how to be a person.#i dont know i just want to not be like this. its so lonely and tiring and i want to matter to people#i want them to like me for more than just what I'm able to do for them. I want to be liked for Me i guess. but Me isnt likeable maybe#Me is uncomfortable for people. Me is a trembling cornered prey animal with a longing to tell stories but is too afraid to do anything#and so Me just exists in a hollow shell made out of people-pleasing and fawning and mirroring everyone around them#and then i get lonelier and more isolated and nothing really changes. but every time i try to crack open the shell a little it goes badly#like i genuinely dont think its my paranoia. i think it is not Safe for Me to exist properly.#i am too sensitive probably! but it does very much feel like a raw wound that peope jab aggressively at when i open up a little!#boy howdy i sound like such a wuss. i mean i probably am one fjfkdl#i just feel like I keep trying to fix things and improve and try new things and nothing ever really works well#my counsellors have always commented on how impressed they are at my willingness to try things#and its like ?? yeah ! ofc i am going to try things! maybe that will be smth that finally helps!
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idk i do need to think more abt how ppls personal experiences interact w their Fandom Behaviors esp now that im less caught up in a specific fandom that was rlly bad about that lol
#txt#bc yeah sometimes it is rlly cathartic to see a character whos similar to someone who hurt you get hurt or even just portrayed as a villain#but at the same time its rare that ppl distinguish like. attempted objectivity & their subjective opinions on tumblr specifically lol#which i think leads to a lot of resentment#granted there r some people who ARE actually that crazy/fandom poisoned who do think like. e.g. liking rhea means you would have forgiven my#- irl abusive priest or whatever. & theres a good chance that fandom culture also creates such people. in like a vicious cycle yknow.#but idk im just spitballing#again just an example but. i dont rlly think i should have to write I Don't Have Religious Trauma Which Allows Me To Love Rhea before saying#- that i do love her & think some of her more questionable actions r not as unforgivable as many people make them out to be#which in turn means that ppl who dislike her shouldnt have to say I Have Religious Trauma And Therefore Etc.#but like. idk. maybe the proper conduct here is just whatever leads u to treat other people with the most kindness#i think all of us should keep our minds more open
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I'm up-to-date with my notifs, but I may not respond right away.
I do read what you write, though.
And everyone has been so kind to me it makes me feel seen and heard and yes I let you know me see me I gave you a rare gift
and you did want it :3
tee-hee
sorry the sillies got to me
but I'm still sad so
oscillating between just sad and the other thing, but I'm still NOT an active risk so no worries
#moots my moots#how I love you so#you don't even know#your attention makes me feel loved even if it's just a like on a post#'cause like#you didn't have to but you acknowledged my post#personal#txt#I also am trying to open up a bit more with people irl#and it's also been generally a positive experience#like maybe I don't have to clam up every time I feel like this#I don't know yet#just have to avoid my parents because opening up to them is THE WORST#they have the most unhelpful and triggering reactions in the world /exaggerating a bit/#even when they mean well#but I still need something to numb myself with and I don't have much at home#I drink coke cans all the time like it's crazy#coca cola as a coping mechanism#and I normally don't have any caffeine AT ALL so drinking 5 cokes in a day is truly something#tw suicide
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This really was our yumenosaki academy♡
#sooo baaad even if i graduate in summer theyre not giving me the diploma til end of 2024??#lets all brainstorm how i can get shu's human comedy monologue up on a poster advertising the grad show... for funsies really#its in my intro to the essay but it doesnt really have much to do with the visuals. which is what i'll need to submit for the posters#hmm well... no thatd look bad. i could go open indesign now but i dont want to i wanna go homeee#ive given up on caring about the project im just committed to the bit the target audience is me myself and its my requiem to art#but ive been telling people about my visual project and they all said theyre really excited to see it...? but it takes me months#of severe despair to get a good concept sorted out. im glad they all said they cant wait to see it... im curious myself#tomorrow ill try to play with recording it. then really lock in to the visuals#what are we thinking. digital spaceship or a real life installation?#the setting is you as the audience are an intergalactic truck driver passing by earth tuning in to the radio listening to a professor#studying humans give a talk about them. mini podcast ig? intergalactic cultural radio vibes?#you get it#so the audio is quite important but then also the setting#do i make it digital and ppl put on headphones and watch a screen?#or do i make it an installation irl#it wouldve been quite good if i made it in vr but i have 3 weeks no experience in the medium and um. well. yeah#i think it's a nice goodbye since i get to project my views on humanity through the alien and also he's a revamped version of#my first ever proper oc. carl the alien#isnt that a nice way to end this journey for now? i think so.
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