#open mouth insert foot Danna

[ladykissingfish]

Sasori, coming into bedroom: Deidara? Have you seen my —

Sasori: Oh, God.

Deidara: What?

Sasori: Good Lord in Heaven, brat, what are you wearing??

Deidara: *looks down at his sweater* What’s wrong with it?

Sasori: The sequins? The huge pink cats? The lace? Not to mention it’s got to be at least five sizes too big for you! It’s hideous! Where did you get such a monstrosity?!

Deidara, quietly: Your grandmother sewed this for me, to thank me for that sculpture I made her, hm. You asshole.

Sasori:

Sasori: … it’s absolutely beautiful.

[dailynarutoimagines]

Omg,, could I please have a sweet scenario with Pein and his adopted daughter (reader)? Maybe with her being a little fearful of some of the other Akatsuki members?

Like Akatsuki Oprhan? Lol, I’ll try my best. Also, I realized after I posed this that you requested a reader-insert, but since it’s already up it’d be hard to change it...sorry!!

“You’re not the most inviting father figure, ya know.”

As the Akatsuki gathered around the table, a little girl sat at the head coloring in a blank piece of paper. Next to her was the leader of the Akatsuki, Pein, and his second in command Konan.

“And neither are you, Hidan,” Konan retorted. “Which is why you’re the crazy aunt figure in her life.”

“FUCK!” Hidan was getting increasingly exasperated. Pein shot him a deadly glare, covering the young girl’s ears. In turn Kakuzu simply stomped on his partner’s foot to try and distract him from making anymore unnecessary outbursts.

Kisame stepped forward, clearly confused. “If I may ask, Leader, how and why did you come by the girl? She’ll only get in the way.”

This time it was Konan who gave someone a nasty look. “In time, Kisame, don’t be so morose - it’s not like you.”

“…The circumstances can be discussed later,” Pein interjected. “We must assign the rest of the roles now.”

At this statement, everyone in the Akatsuki stiffened, save for Itachi. His eyes betrayed little, however, except for a small twinkle of amusement as he looked at the girl. Sasori was making his way towards the door while Deidara merely squirmed uncomfortably.

“Now,” Pein said, standing up. He tapped on the girl’s shoulder. “Kiyoko-chan, why not pick out who would make the best mommy?”

The girl - Kiyoko - looked from Pein to Konan, then to the rest of the group. Her reaction was less than excited, though, as she eyed some of the more imposing members with unease. Seeing the door at the far end of the room open, however, she pointed and mumbled something inaudible.

Pein, realizing Sasori was trying to escape, used his push-pull powers to shut the door in the puppet master’s face.

“…Get out of that hideous getup, Sasori,” Pein ordered. “It will scare Kiyoko.”

There was a dreadful pause as the room tensed. It was unlike Pein to be so scathing in regards to something so trivial, but with a child around there was a general assumption that it made him soften up a bit, in turn becoming more critical of those that may pose a threat to little Kiyoko.

After what seemed ages, a puff of smoke appeared and out came the red-head. Sasori sneered at Pein as he quietly rambled about the artistic beauty of his puppets; the only one who was tuning into the puppeteer’s rant, however, was his hot-headed companion Deidara.

“Sasori-Danna, all due respect, but Leader - for once - is right. Your puppets are nothing but hideous caricatures that contain no real artistry, un.” The entirety of the Akatsuki sighed as they knew what was coming next.

“And you call your petty blasts art, Deidara? You’re hopeless.”

“That’s my line, un!”

“Just like an eight year old who plays with clay.”

“At least I’m not some everlasting grump, un!”

The facepalms were all around as the argument continued, knowing it was futile to try and intervene. Just when it seemed all hope was lost, Kiyoko jumped on the table and marched over to the duo, a curious yet determined look burning in her eyes.

She pointed to Deidara: “MOMMY!”

Then to Sasori: “DADDY!”

“WHAT [un]?!”

Before either could devour the girl with their jutsu, a flash of black sped between them and scooped up the girl. Itachi now held Kiyoko on the other side of the room.

“Now, Kiyoko-chan, wouldn’t you consider one who saved your life a better parent then…” He began.

“No, Nii-san, that’s Mommy and Daddy because they fight about stupid stuff all the time,” she replied jovially. At the opposite end Deidara and Sasori flinched, but dared no further as they saw Pein’s menacing gaze bearing down on them.

Itachi, on the other hand, seemed extremely pleased. He set Kiyoko down who skipped towards Konan, clutching her leg.

“Baba, I’m hungry.” Kiyoko said. Konan’s eyebrows lifted as the room stifled laughter. In turn the woman sent a few paper shikigami towards the select few who couldn’t keep their mouths, causing some deep paper cuts in the process.

“Does this make me a grandfather?” Pein asked curiously.

Kiyoko nodded. “Yeah, because Baba and Jii-chan never argue about stupid stuff, like Mommy and Daddy.” Again, Deidara and Sasori flinched, but kept their tempers this time.

“And Uncle and Auntie can have tea parties with me!” Kiyoko continued, pointing first at Kakuzu then at Hidan. “Nii-san can join in too.” Itachi smirked, the only one in the room who seemed okay with his new role.

“Hey, what does that make me?” Kisame whined in the corner. Everyone turned to see the shark man trying his best to come off as affable, sporting a toothy grin.

Kiyoko eyed him warily as she slowly marched over to him. Looking Kisame up and down, she took her time assessing whatever it was she was assessing, then finally blurted out,

“PET!”

“WHAT”

“Sorry I’m late, what’s going on?”

Before Kisame could grab Kiyoko, Zetsu appeared beneath her and as he stood, took the girl upwards atop his head. At the same time the door busted open and in stumbled Tobi, who upon seeing the girl stopped and became rigid.

“Great! Tobi!” Deidara declared. “You have a mind of a child, tell that little witch that I am NOT GOING TO BE HER MOTHER, UN!!!”

Yet another awkward silence beset the group; Zetsu stood there with his mouth agape and unsure of what to say. Meanwhile Kiyoko jumped down and headed back to Pein to resume coloring. Deidara eyed Tobi with an increasingly dangerous glare, losing his patience.

“…Tobi doesn’t like kids,” the mask finally said, sitting down at the table scrupulously. No one said anything as Deidara looked like he was about to bust a vein, Sasori blinked at Tobi’s response, Hidan was readying for a sacrifice, Kakuzu restraining the aforementioned troublemaker, Itachi was kneeling to Kiyoko’s height as she drew, Kisame looked absolutely heartbroken, Tobi sat there unmoving, Zetsu decided to simply stay out of it all, Pein didn’t look surprised, and Konan merely hid her face in her hands.

It was after a period of silence that Pein finally stood and addressed the crowd.

“Now I want you all to keep your new roles in mind as we raise Kiyoko,” he said unwavering. “If I catch any of you out of line - especially Mommy and Daddy -” he eyed Deidara and Sasori while Hidan snickered uncontrollably - “then you WILL suffer the consequences.”

“Meeting adjourned. Come Kiyoko, let Grandma and Grandpa take you out for ice cream.” Konan hoisted the girl on her hip as Pein headed for the back door.

“Yay! Can Pet come along?”

“NO.” Kisame was the first to storm out of the room.

“Well, at least I find the role of Uncle suitable,” Kakuzu said, heading for the door.

“Does this mean Auntie has to one up you?” Hidan asked, brandishing his scythe. As the two marched through the doors, everyone could hear him making a fuss as he told Kakuzu he’d be a better Auntie than he would be an Uncle.

“You - no words, just shut up and let’s go.” Sasori opened up Hiruko again and climbed in, giving Deidara a poisonous glare. The latter complied but seemed to boil underneath his skin; Tobi nodded and said he’d expect quite a show tonight with Deidara’s fireworks. If it weren’t for Sasori, Tobi would have been part of the show.

Itachi held Kiyoko’s drawing aloft. “…This would look spectacular on the fridge.” He rushed through the doors and after Kisame to help locate some magnets, clearly taken with the fact he was now a proper Nii-san again.

Zetsu disappeared without a trace, although White did complain that he wanted to go grab ice cream with Kiyoko and company - which Black declined vehemently.

“See, Kiyoko-chan? They’re not as bad as they look,” Konan said.

“Yeah…one big family.” Pein sighed, unsure yet satisfied.

- Admin Rhia

Sorrynotsorry