#oops! all essay!!

[34saveme34]

me when I read a fanfic and it isn't the not being able to keep one tense going through the fic that puts me off for a second but the idea that 3 doesn't know he has feelings for 4

I honestly think he knows he likes 4 since about

hm. I'll say when he was exiled

I think he had time to think

yknow, despite all that happened before, you'd think that he would hold more against 4 but he doessnnn'tttttttttt

and I knoooow the meme life cicle but I think he was still very casual about it despite that

I think he realised then and overtime like thought it went away

and then 4 appeared again and thought he was fine, he was good

but then he gets to figure out he's basically 4's soulmate and it least now a lot of things start to make sense but not others and he's all over it again

for 4 it's IGBP 100% but only after a while

like he's throught he shock

maybe after all the annoyance with his living situation and he finally lives in his fuckin- don't remember the name of it but he settles down in the back to relax and his mind drifts back, thinks about 3 a little too much, the words he said still burning on his mind and it makes him so giddy and then it hits him like oh- oh huh, guess a lot of things make sense now. better repress!

I mean just- just think about it

neither of these idiots are brave enough to say anything like that, they're both scared of being vulnerable but 3 is more so. BUT 4 is way way more scared of rejection than 3 is. I mean they're basically the same amount of scared but from different perspectives. Like they see themselves this way is why I'm phrasing it this way, 4 is scared to be vulnerable like that too but he specifically thinks about the idea of 3 forever rejecting him and losing him all over this.

3 is also heavy scared of rejection but he's more scared of the idea that if he doesn't keep up his tough persona and tells 4 how he feels he'll be made fun of forever and no one will take him seriously ever again, not even as little as they already do, at least in his eyes.

then again I do absolutely think wotfi23 was a step forward from this

with 4 not trying to snoop around so hard to find out what 3 thinks, and 3 having less of a high wall up around 4, especially since 3 was drawing them not only in that specific art style but also with like.... the expressions are so specific. I do think 4 brings 3 a lot of joy, something that should be explored more

because got theough.... yknow what fuck it I'm overanalyizing that drawing, lemme put it here first

so like this piece of shit drawing <3

one thing first and this is gonna sound insane first but 4 takes up more place

and also has a more complex albeit not by that much pose

also his pose exudes energy, also with the face he makes as well

I think this is how 3 truly sees 4, like a bundle of sunshine who is full of unneeded energy

another interesting thing you might notice is 3's corner of his mouth

that little line by his beard.... he's cringing a little bit, almost like he's trying to mask enjoying 4's company. And in general, his eyes too and once again back to his posture and how he takes up less space than 4 it feels like he's holding back. Once again back to him being kind of intimacy. And when he tries to reach out it hurts him, he cringes and he's like fuming and crazy about it

WHILE he views 4 as being more open, more fun than him, more jolly than he'll ever be

it's crazy how jealously he is in love still despite everything

and we didn't quite see development from this

he loves him so much and still envies what he has with his whole soul

maybe one day the love will overtake the jealousy, especially with how 4 is like, slowly and slowly being more open (and a lil gay) about caring about 3

unless it's a one step forward one step backward type of thing

like imagine first episode of the year and we witness them step backward from a better and more truthful relationship they could have

because honestly, it isn't only about love. It's about communication issues, greatest example of that being Trash Friends of course (oh trash friends, how I miss watching you for the first time)

and it would be genuinely so genius if they, with 4's development about dropping more hints about just how much he thinks about 3

like being vulnerable

and if it was used against him OOOOOOH it would the BIGGEST step backward

if 3 let jealousy win while 4 is trying to be vulnerable with him

imagine the fall out. imagine 3 breaking, being like maybe 4 was right, maybe I really only think of myself

while 4 fully closing off, hurt

their relationship is SO conflict prone. which is why it's so fun to talk about, like why I've been rambling here for a long while now oops

I was reading a fanfic before I almost forgot 💀 anyways I do believe in 4 realising his feelings for 3 later than 3 does for 4, I think that's probably the more popular opinion in the fandom

might make a poll aboutt ittttt :3

[thedaythatwas]

on nagito komaeda and love

I just think it’s sort of funny that for a character whose (arguably) most well-recognized CG is this: 

komaeda’s narrative so heavily centers love. and I don’t just say this because I’ve had komahina brainrot for years (though this is true!!). even if you don’t care about komahina, it’s tough to deny komaeda is a walking tragedy in large part because of the role that love plays in his life. his characterization is driven by the way his luck has denied him love, and how he seeks it out regardless. in that sense, I think that without understanding komahina as at least one-sided, you miss out on one of the juiciest, most miserable pieces of komaeda’s character development.

tldr; a love-centered reading of komaeda makes sense, recognizing komahina as “a thing” in DR2 (whether you ship it or not) is pretty important to understanding how komaeda operates, and I’ll try to prove it right here under this page break!!

Part 1: Komaeda’s Love Life (or, his life without love)

I think it’s safe to assume that if you clicked here, you know about komaeda’s absurdly miserable, tumultuous childhood, but I’ll do a quick recap just in case! meteor kills his parents on a plane, he inherits a ton of money. he’s kidnapped by a serial killer, he finds a winning lottery ticket in the garbage bag he’s thrown out in. he’s diagnosed with terminal cancer and dementia, he gets into hope’s peak.

in his free time events, komaeda *explicitly* frames his luck cycle as something that takes away the people he loves. it only “takes action” against him after his relatives have died (for the sake of this essay, let’s assume that komaeda loved his parents, or would have at least been hurt by their passing). by way of other close connections… well, his wording here implies that by the time of his diagnosis, he didn’t really have anybody in his life. 

either komaeda didn’t allow himself to get close to anyone after the meteor incident, or he did, and they were taken away by his luck. at some point during his childhood, komaeda learned he should view himself as a death sentence.

so, how does this loss of love shape the komaeda we know? I’ll talk about this in terms of four of his defining (and connected!) traits in DR2 canon – the ones that really make his actions make sense: his self-loathing, his hope-seeking, his learned helplessness, and his certainty that his existence poses a threat to those around him. komaeda’s experience with loss makes him view himself as a source of death, which in turn fuels these tenets of his character. ultimately, his loss and the complexes that arise from it give him good incentive to push people away.

his self-loathing

komaeda hates himself. he views himself as worthless outside of his potential to serve as a “stepping stone” for the hope of the ultimates. he claims that this is driven by his beliefs around talent, which are in turn linked to the way his worldview rests on viewing hope as “absolute good.” the talentless (himself included) are only good for advancing the hope of the talented. still, his self-loathing is a bit more personal than that. take what he says and dig just below the surface, and it’s a clean cut trauma response all the way down. which leads us directly to…

his hope-seeking

komaeda is willing to do literally anything to serve hope. on the island, this (in short) means dying. this is where I prod at komaeda’s reasoning a bit more: komaeda’s willingness to act the way he does in canon also stems from his belief that his dying would be a net good for the world. his existence kills the people around him. his illness will kill him anyway. he has less than no value, and hope is invaluable. to go out for the sake of hope would give his wretched life purpose; it’s his dream come true.

and it’s no mystery why komaeda cares so much about hope: again, it’s a coping mechanism! komaeda’s belief that all bad luck is a necessary precursor for good luck and that hope will always triumph over despair is (as he himself says!) the only reason he’s managed to stay alive. I’ll say it again because I really can’t emphasize it enough – komaeda thinks that just by existing, he kills the people he loves. ouch!

learned helplessness / his existence as a threat

komaeda has, essentially, learned to submit to his luck cycle. all bad luck is good luck in the end – isn’t that amazing?! almost paradoxically, he’s hyper-vigilant about the negative impact his luck has on those around him. this is a tricky one. I make sense of it this way: komaeda’s perception of how much his luck impacts the people close to him isn’t inflated, like, at all. the supernatural way the world bends around komaeda to screw him over really does pose a danger to himself and others, and he takes measures to minimize that danger. his stated acceptance of his luck cycle is… well, again, he’s coping. 

if komaeda really thought that all bad luck is ultimately good luck, he wouldn’t try to protect his classmates from his bad luck. but, as we see in island mode, he does!

but really, who could blame komaeda for lying to himself? I’ll restate the facts. komaeda thinks that luck is absolute power. he says that he’s powerless against it. his luck has taken his family, and it’s left him with nothing but money that he doesn’t want. he’s certain he’s a curse, and there’s no end to that in sight: so long as komaeda exists, he’ll keep on losing – murdering – everything he loves. 

in the face of all of that despair, what can you do but abandon your self-esteem and pray for something good to come out of all of it? how else could somebody possibly survive carrying that burden, truly believing that load will never be lightened?

tldr; komaeda thinks his existence is a threat, and a big chunk of his personality is a frankensteined way of surviving the pain that comes with that. still, we should question how much of his worldview komaeda has really internalized without inner conflict. 

Part 2: Enter Hajime Hinata

we get some answers on that front when we see that despite the clear and obvious danger it poses, nagito komaeda still finds himself falling hard for hajime hinata. that’s really, really loud.

I’ll preface this part by saying that you don’t need to actively ship komahina to understand what I’m trying to get at here. this said, I’ll be recapping an argument you’ve almost definitely seen before: komahina is definitely “a thing” – at the very least as a one-sided thing. to this, I’ll add the (perhaps bold?) claim that without recognizing that much as true, you’re missing out on a big part of what makes komaeda so interesting.

komaeda’s FTEs make it abundantly clear that komaeda has feelings for hinata. apart from his famed failed love confession, the fact that komaeda is willing to allow hinata to get close enough to learn about his views on hope and luck is telling. 

(the smoking gun here hinges on trusting that komaeda was telling the truth during the time you spent with him; in so many words, that he only lied about lying. so, for the sake of argument, let’s assume this is true! there’s good proof for it, anyway.)

if you read his final FTE as komaeda flashing his soul to hinata and making a decision at the very last second to retreat, turning to old coping mechanisms to protect hinata from his luck, it’s sort of a komahina bombshell. that capitulation spells out for us that komaeda understands sharing his life experiences with hinata to be one of the most intimate things he could possibly do.

he recognizes the exact moment he lets hinata get too close – when his life story is finally told – and he does what he’s learned he needs to do to get them both out of that situation safely: he tries to make hinata hate him, and tells himself (and hinata!) that he did it for the sake of hope.

(and yet, komaeda let hinata approach him every FTE, knowing damn well that they were both playing with fire… very interesting.)

now, let’s say you don’t consider the FTEs to be integral to canon. I mean, you can really easily miss out on all of komaeda’s content if you choose not to hang out with him in chapter 1! so, for the skeptic, in the unskippable main story, komaeda tells hinata this:

komaeda cares about hinata despite everything. and I really, truly mean despite everything. at this point in the story, the fact that he still cares about hinata calls into question basically every single one of his core beliefs. he’s read his final dead room prize – not only does hinata not have a talent, we can presume that komaeda also knows hinata became ultimate despair along with the rest of them. 

hinata has continually sought out komaeda’s company, even though komaeda knows himself to be worthless at best, lethal at worst. komaeda was willing to let him get closer, even though he knows how dangerous that is for hinata. he can’t help but let hinata try to know him. 

isn’t he awful? to want what he knows he can’t have, even though that wanting has never done anything but cause pain? he’s really the lowest of the low, to love someone who destroyed the world, who makes him question the views that will allow him to do the only good thing he’s ever been able to do for it: to die for hope. 

and yet, it’s a nod to how incredibly capable of love komaeda is that he’s still willing to reach out for it, no matter how many times it’s burned him in the past, and how much it hurts him in the present to want it. he understands more than anyone that his feelings can only result in disaster. reading komaeda as someone who can’t help but go on loving anyway makes his story hurt so much worse. 

but, you miss a whole lot of that without an eye for komahina. seeing hinata as the eye of komaeda’s emotional hurricane (and keeping tabs on their connection accordingly) allows us to glimpse past the cracks in komaeda’s front. we see that komaeda’s worldview is less stable than he presents it as – hinata is where komaeda’s coping mechanisms, for better or worse, run up against a wall. that tends to be uncomfortable for a guy who’s just barely coping in the first place. then again, growth is supposed to be uncomfortable, isn’t it?

Part 3: The Future He Chooses

so, all of this considered, I think one of the most interesting ways you can flesh komaeda out post-canon is by asking how he’d find himself willing to accept love. whether that love is from hinata or the ultimates, whether it’s platonic or romantic, love is the thing that komaeda wants AND fears in equal measure more than anything. it’s the source of his self-loathing and his obsession with hope. it’s the reason he’s lived the way that he has for so long – lonely, and afraid of being anything but.

getting into a relationship wouldn’t solve komaeda’s problems for him, and that’s a good thing. it would force him to confront old ones, and probably create dozens of new issues for him, too. writing him through that makes for great character study!

hinata (or anyone else, for that matter) can’t love komaeda into loving himself, but he can give him a shoulder to cry on while he works through 22 years of fear and sorts through the wreckage of a worldview that’s long since stopped serving him. I don’t think his progress would be linear. but, I think that he could do it. komaeda learning to accept care is what his healing looks like. 

(well. and physically recovering from cancer and dementia. but that’s neither here nor there!)

a post-canon komaeda learning to love narrative is also in line with the themes of DR2. hinata leads the survivors out of the neo world program because he makes the decision to choose his own future, creating a new version of “hope” for himself and his classmates. likewise, komaeda can make the decision to save himself. that is, if he trusts himself enough to actually touch and hold the thing that he’s never been able to stop reaching out for, anyway.

after all, hinata is lucky too. (and if it turns out he isn’t… y'all like angst fics, right?)

(shoutout to @cynopter for looking this over and confirming that I'm not spouting nonsense <33 thank you for reading my thesis of the week <33)

[thetechnicolorphase]

silly doggy save me

[iridescentmirrorsgenshin]

An analysis of Alhaitham's egoism in relation to Kaveh

(Update: The essay this is taken from is now uploaded! It can be accessed here and here as as a pdf <3)

Max Stirner's anarchist egoism is speculated to be the basis of Alhaitham's personal egoism, therefore I will be drawing upon Stirner's 'The Unique and Its Property' for this analysis.

Property and power are key principles within this philosophy. The egoist recognises himself as an individual, separate from the general collective of “humanity”, in which concepts such as freedom and property are governed to and over the people, for then the individual is not considered as such, rather they are a part of “humanity”, rather than a whole individual (Stirner, 170). This thinking is demonstrated within Alhaitham’s Story Quest, where he dismantles Siraj’s Hivemind by targeting individuals that compromised the Hive and reminding them of their own beliefs and preferences – the individual in themselves is a whole, and is not a “part” of a system (Stirner, 170).

In this, the egoist governs himself by what he owns and what he wants to own: “ownness is my whole essence and existence, it is myself. I am free from what I am rid of, owner of what I have in my power, what I control. I am at all times and under every circumstance my own”(Stirner, 106). This relates to the concept of freedom, which, for an egoist exists according to having the power to be free of something, for example, being freed of hunger, thirst, or societal expectations (Stirner, 105). This is reflected within Alhaitham’s description: “He lives free – free from the searching eyes of ordinary people,” but also extends to the power to own.

As power is considered something which the egoist owns, property then becomes something which the egoist exerts power over, and in this, can property be made use of by the egoist – all the while, the property remains an independent vessel (Stirner, 162). This is seen within Alhaitham’s view on his vision, in that it is “no more than a useful tool”, as it can be used to serve his own needs, and that since it in his possession, he has obtained it with his own power, it makes no difference to check on it as he continues to retain that power.

In this sense then, Alhaitham has constructed his life around this form of egoism, in that anything he wants, he has, such as his job as the Scribe, his house, the interests he pursues, the people he enjoys. In order to maintain this way of life, he will deal with, or be rid of, anything he deems as "harmful".

With this, the egoist seeks satisfaction in themselves through the satisfaction of another. Ownership, in relation to another person, can become love, which like all things the egoist has power over, is ultimately theirs – as in their love for a person (Stirner, 187), which is given willingly by the egoist, for loving a person is done for the satisfaction that love brings: “But I love them with the awareness of egoism; I love them because love makes me happy, I love because love is natural to me, it pleases me,” (186).

In loving another comes sacrifice, which the egoist can give into without compromising himself, as he himself sets the “purchase price of [his love]” (187) according to the happiness attributed to the loved one, as in return, the egoist shall also receive happiness (186). To enjoy someone, in an egoist fashion, is to be able to sacrifice all possessions and ownerships without foregoing the sense of an individual, of “ownness”, as the egoist would then lose his objectivity:

“I can deny myself countless things to heighten his pleasure, and I can risk for him what would be dearest to me without him, my life, my welfare, my freedom. Indeed, it forms my pleasure and happiness to feast on his pleasure and happiness. But me, myself I do not sacrifice to him, but rather remain an egoist and—enjoy him. If I sacrifice to him everything I would keep without my love for him, that is very easy… But if I sacrifice others to one passion, I still do not…  sacrifice my particular worth, my ownness. Where this nasty incident occurs, love looks no better than any other passion that I blindly obey.” – The Unique and Its Property, 185

It is relevant to note that just as the egoist receives happiness from a loved one’s pleasure, so does an egoist suffer from a loved one’s despair. Just as the egoist would sacrifice something of their own to provide happiness for a loved one in order to exact their own happiness, so too would an egoist sacrifice something, or act, to eradicate the root problem of a loved one’s misery, as this, in turn, would then resolve their own misery:

“If I see the beloved suffering, I suffer with him, and I find no rest until I’ve tried everything to comfort and cheer him…. It doesn’t follow from this that the same thing causes suffering�� his tooth gives him pain, but his pain gives me pain. But because I cannot bear the sorrowful crease on the beloved forehead, therefore, then for my sake, I kiss it away. If I didn’t love this person, he could go right on creasing his forehead, that wouldn’t trouble me; I’m only driving away my troubles. – The Unique and Its Property, 186

The phrasing of “driving away… troubles” is particular to note here, due to similar usages of language used within Alhaitham’s Character Stories, in relation to him acting in accordance with his self-governed rules and serving his own self-interest by: “[acting] on his own will and deals with anything that appears harmful in his eyes”.

Kaveh, however, interprets Alhaitham’s egoism as a detached, pragmatic view of humanity, in which the individual isolates themselves not only as a means of prioritisation, but by elevating oneself over others by refusal to intermingle and to cooperate for the benefit of others. Not only is this a harmful opposition to Kaveh’s view of individuals sharing their knowledge and talent in order to pursue a better society, but due to Kaveh’s experience of Alhaitham’s personal egoism, it is harmful to Kaveh personally. Kaveh refuses to prioritise himself over others because he has seen a negative consequence of egoism, in which he has been “cut to the quick” and it has ended one of the few stable relationships in his life.

By Kaveh seeing Alhaitham’s comment about his altruism as malicious, Alhaitham has elevated himself over Kaveh, since Alhaitham does not have the same struggles as him, and has trivialised Kaveh’s trauma. To Kaveh, Alhaitham’s prioritisation of the self actively harms others as it desensitises the self to the emotions of others. Therefore, Kaveh opposes the egoism which Alhaitham advocates for, since he interprets it through his own lived experience. Hence, by Alhaitham asserting egoism over Kaveh as a means of Kaveh prioritising himself, it only reinforces Kaveh to strive to consider the feelings of others, as well as to not prioritise his own way of thinking if it undermines someone else’s.

In actuality, Alhaitham’s frustrations with Kaveh lie in his belief that Kaveh’s talents are incongruous with his values, and that if Kaveh were to prioritise himself, he would save himself suffering and enable himself to discover his “true self”, unrestricted by others placing labels onto him.

This is a personal frustration which Alhaitham would not compromise himself to assert onto a person he was indifferent to, due to his belief of not getting involved with other’s fates. However, he has been observed to ‘subvert’ his own rules to accommodate Kaveh. Through egoism, it can be seen that rather than ‘subverting’ these rules, Alhaitham adheres to them as an egoist, since he sees Kaveh as his mirror, they offer each other a contrasting perspective he believes they need to have a complete, objective vision of the world.

This is necessary for Alhaitham to consider within his own life, and therefore has extended his house to Kaveh, in order to expand his scope of thinking, and to consider perspectives he otherwise would not entertain. Kaveh’s ideals, his beliefs, and his philosophies explicitly interest Alhaitham, in contradiction with Kaveh believing that Alhaitham is disdainful of his perspectives.

In this way, Alhaitham enjoys Kaveh. He willingly pays for some of Kaveh’s tabs; pays for crates of wine for the two of them; and goes out of his way to pursue interactions with Kaveh. Just as Alhaitham is to Kaveh, Kaveh is an old friend, as unchanged in his beliefs as he was in the past and thus is a constant: “the most unshakable part of one's past is a friend that will never change”’.

Alhaitham strives to act in accordance to his own egoism and therefore assesses what “appears harmful” to him, in relation to these rules, so as to be rid of them. This can be extended to Kaveh, as Kaveh falls under what ‘belongs’ to Alhaitham, in the sense that ownership equates to Alhaitham’s enjoyment.

Alhaitham wants to have Kaveh in his life due to the alternate perspective which Kaveh offers him, thus expanding his horizons and granting him knowledge he otherwise would not obtain. As well as this, Kaveh is seen to be considered part of Alhaitham’s way of life that he wants to protect. In line with Stirner’s egoism, it follows that as Alhaitham enjoys Kaveh, as in, ‘owns’ the contentment Kaveh elicits, he therefore is affected by Kaveh’s self-inflicted grievances. Therefore, Alhaitham sees Kaveh’s altruism at the expense of his own wellbeing as something “harmful” to be dealt with, as this not only causes Kaveh inward misery, but also detriments Kaveh finding his “true self” (Alhaitham Character Story 3), which the egoist pursues above all else.

[shadow-the-crow]

I think i finally understand how the Distortion works. I mean, i don’t think it’s possible to ever fully understand it, and i don’t know the whole picture yet because i don’t know what Helen will be like, but i feel like i’ve just been granted a glimpse at the lovecraftian (as in ineffable) thing that is this being.

It’s not a person and a creature fighting inside one mind. There’s no Michael clawing himself to the surface to express his emotions and get his revenge.

Michael Shelley is dead. The Distortion became Michael. It sounds so simple, yet a least in my opinion it’s hard to fully understand.

I think what provides the best metaphor is a small thing the Distortion says after becoming Helen: "without a proper mind." The Distortion does not have its own mind. It’s only a what, but in order to really exist in this reality, it needs a who. It needs a body, but also a mind.

So if i understand this right, it’s like this: Michael Shelley is dead. His conciousness is not there anymore. And the Distortion got forced into that mind, an empty mind of a dead person. This doesn’t make it human, it’s still able to understand the impossible, it’s still the thing that was created to scare and kill. But in the mind it’s living in… the previous owner’s furniture is still there. It gets the dead person’s memories. It becomes Michael, in the sense that it has to be someone. Its existence got tied to being Michael, although Michael Shelley is dead.

When Michael got "emotional", that wasn’t Michael Shelley coming through. It was the Distortion grappling with the side effects of being someone - of living in a mind with all the memories and the human emotions that a human mind can’t fully turn off, even when the thing inhabiting it isn’t human at all.

The Distortion was Michael in the sense that it was thinking with Michael Shelley’s mind. When it became Helen, its consciousness, its being stayed the same, but it needed to adapt to this new mind. It could see clearer now, realizing that the windows of the previous house had been dirty, realizing that the wirings of the previous mind had driven it to do something that it actually didn’t want to do. The throat of the Spiral itself getting caught in the spiralling of its own, borrowed mind.

[the-overreactress]

What are some of the insights you gained about Rory (and her relationships with other characters) from watching Seasons 5-7? You mentioned that recently, and I am SOOOO curious to know!

Thank you for this ask!!

Something I’ve always wondered about Rory Gilmore’s evolution is just how much her entire identity appears to be built on the praise (seasons 1-3) and critiques (seasons 4-7) from everyone else around her. When Rory is doing well and riding the high associated with her success in Seasons 1-3, we only see the cracks in her facade a few times (i.e. when she’s briefly questioned/prodded by Headmaster Charleston, Jess, Straub, etc.) Season 4 shows Rory in a severely vulnerable light, with her struggling romantically, socially, academically, and emotionally for the first time. Seasons 5 feels like an even more intense build up to the Huntzbergers rejecting her (the dinner with Logan & Mitchum not so kindly telling her the harsh words she’d likely never heard from an authority figure in her life: “You just don’t have it.”)

Or, how Rory might have interpreted it: “You’ll never be good enough for this job you’ve been wanting and working towards your entire life.” That’s a massive blow to the ego. This may not have been what Mitchum intended, but that’s absolutely how it landed with her. The proof is in the stolen yacht.

Her entire external life (I say external, because I am of the belief her internal life is a lot more nuanced) is built on living up to the expectations placed upon her by her mother, her grandmother, her grandfather, her teachers, her friends, her boyfriends, and the citizens of Stars Hollow. The second that world starts to crumble, either from external pressures or Rory’s own mistakes, her entire worldview is thrown into question.

Anytime she is prodded, she is forced to confront her lack of decisiveness, her lack of impulse control, and her lack of real self-worth. The first time I think we really see this is her first day at Chilton, but she eventually rises to the occasion. The second time is probably “teach me tonight” when Jess questions whether she’s actually ready and prepared for the career she wants. Then, she’s quickly defensive in the required therapy sessions at Yale, before devolving into a break down at a few simple questions from the counselor. She breaks down again and dyes her hair when faced with the notion she may not have a plan after graduation (And girl, same.)

Each and every time, you see the same shift in her expression: she’s unsure, she’s questioning, she’s weighing whatever the person or situation is telling her against her own understanding of who she is. Instead of finding the strength to challenge herself and outright reject those expectations, she finds herself utterly lost in them. And yes, so much of this stems from the “gifted kid” narrative, but I also think it’s a lesson in allowing your children to be who they really are, not who you think they are (or want them to be). I think Lorelai mostly did this unintentionally, but it still crops up whenever the conversation of “Rory is our golden child/Savior of the Gilmore Family Name” arises.

Do I really think Rory has what it takes to be a journalist? That’s debatable, but I’d argue yes. Technically and creatively, she’d excel. But her grit and tenacity come and go. They wane even in the face of genuine success/getting what she wants. I rewatched the last Friday night dinner scene in season 7. Lorelai says “You’ve worked so hard for this (the campaign job)” And Rory says “Yeah…I guess so…” like she’s trying to convince herself it’s what she wants (she does this a lot!) I tend to think she WAS excited by the opportunity, but considering how challenging a job like that could be, her trepidation makes sense.

I also want to briefly mention the parallel between Jess and Rory’s behavior after they are both told they aren’t good enough. Both say something to the effect of “I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be around other people right now,” before making impulsive choices. Talk about going on the same journey!

This has all likely been pointed out before, but I am continually fascinated by how Rory in particular has become villainized for so much of her Season 4-6 behavior. While I think some of that criticism is valid (the pattern of cheating, for example), some of it also feels a little sexist. I also think we have to take Rory’s entire arc into account when considering why she makes the choices she makes. Her core identity is built on not only the expectations of everyone around her, but also her OWN expectations of herself, which we have to believe in some cases (maybe not the relationship stuff lol) are fairly high. So when she fails to live up to her own high school valediction version of herself, she simply…crumbles.

Okay, this was too LONG, but at some point, I would really love to do a deep dive into Rory’s thought process when it comes to Logan cheating on her and how she distinguishes her own cheating behavior from his. I also want to go into the revival more. I have many thoughts about that. 😝

[chiangyorange]

I just had some violent flashbacks of the peepaw polls. Hit me like a truck

hey bestie did u mean to drag my ass down with you

[tracle0]

Snippet Sunday VIII

I think it's the eighth Sunday...? Maybe maybe! Here's some prophet story I wrote freshly for you (yes, you!)

A hand raised to his chest, trying to find the mutilation that had forced his ribs to poke out like ageing farmhouse fencing. His skin was sealed, unblemished under his fingers; sticky from his blood, but otherwise untouched. An identical inspection around his throat found the same. No hole for pathetic, fleshy pleas to wheeze through. All fixed. All perfect.

“You saved me,” he finally whispered, eyes wide and awed. “You – you didn’t have to, but you…?”

The Blight – previously quiet, considerate, letting him get to terms with the gift of his life – curled in his head, content. You’ve done me well, it said simply. I don��t want to lose you yet.

He probed carefully at his skull, hair sliding between his fingers. He could see where shards of his skull had been ejected, pick them up and inspect them, but he found no hollows in his head, no blemishes. “Thank you,” he said softly. “I… thank you.”

Your brother is almost here.

Cain blinked, the brief memory of something – a squirrel? – flashing through his mind, before he shook it away, focused. “We should go, then,” he said, starting to stand. The ground glimmered. His surroundings groaned and sobbed, the forgotten guards whimpering and wheezing, the fury surrendering them to shock and agony. “To Body?”

It hesitated. As he started to walk past a pair of guards, one pinned down by the other, bloodied and bruised, it drew his attention down to the ground, to a discarded knife next to the freed, fighting pair. See if you can slow him down, it suggested idly.

[aliusfrater]

I so agree with you on your panic room post like the dehumanization and humiliation alone is sickening and as someone new to the show I've seen people and fanfiction when they make this as sam getting darker or being monster while whole episode he is just begging dean and also tells ruby that he just wants dean to trust him and when people say Sam manipulates dean by using puppy eyes always gets his way is just wrong because in whole show i think this is only time we see sam properly verbalise his issues that dean always takes the wheel and he trusts him because he is his brother and wants that reciprocated and dean just so cruel this whole episode in the beginning he calls sam 'weak desparate pathetic ' and fandom like yeah sam is the one self righteous and monsterous sorry for this tangent lol but i just this episode reveals such crucial struggle of sams character and most people only see last part of dean lying and say this is why he started apocalypse

i think the crux of it is that the audience quite simply lives within the box that is the same dichotomy of monstrosity that both dean and the narrative subscribes to. edlund and singer themselves hold similar fascist beliefs which is reflected in the way they direct and write; they too, subscribe to the ideal of us vs them/innocent or hunter vs monster as well as the narrative relevant structures that surround and perpetuate them. in 4.21, when sam is attempting to negotiate being looked up in the panic room, while dean insults him in between promises of protection and that the circumstances are for his own good, sam is lit by red lighting—similar to the car scene in 3.06 when a demon attempts to talk him up with the concept of leadership—representing an acknowledgement of monstrosity. sam's identity is being compartmentalised through the dichotomy of monstrosity; sam, his monstrosity, is encroaching upon sammy, dean's little brother to be protected and saved (and dean calls sam sammy while dean speaks down to sam before closing the latch and leaving sam in the panic room to 'dry out' as dean puts it) and sam's inclination towards monstrosity does indeed give dean the right to take sam's life as per 'save him or kill him' and as far as dean, bobby, sam, and much of the audience (and their concept is how monstrosity works or is dealt with) is concerned. the dehumanisation of the circumstance regarding the general state of the panic room is, i think, part of this; it's representative of exactly how compartmentalised sam's identity is regarding his monstrosity. like, 4.21 "then at least he dies human," / "most likely, he would become the next creature that you would feel compelled to kill." even 5.14, "that's not him in there. not really." / "i know." quite frankly i think his addiction is conflated with his independence as well as his relationship with ruby (especially when the role she plays for sam and how their relationship works is considered) and therefore, is also conflated with his monstrosity. like, 4.04, "use the knife!" 4.21 "it's not something you're doing it's what you are," + dean comparing sam's escape and relapse to his leave for stanford in 4.22; thesis it was never particularly about the blood. anyway, i feel like there's Much of dean's character especially relating to the way his and sam's relationship works, especially in conjunction with the aspects of the original john-dean-sam dynamic that is relevant in 4.21, that you could get into if you extract yourself from dean's conflations of many factors of sam's arc for season four that's ultimately missed by much of the audience observing through dean's perspective. there's definitely a way that lines up with many of sam's motivations to portray sam's monstrosity, the agency it inspires within him, and culmination of both of these ideas into his addiction relating to the aspects of the dichotomy of monstrosity as well as his nonrole that he breaks the boundaries of which all lead into his independence (the examples you mentioned + others like 5.05 "dean, one of the reasons i went off with ruby... was to get away from you. [...] it made me feel strong. Like I wasn't your kid brother.") and the straying of him + a post-hell dean from the dynamics of their relationship (which post-hell dean was looking for while he felt like he was losing control over himself!) but it is impossible to do so from within that box. i genuinely believe that you have to spectate the imaginary structures that supernatural imposes upon itself if you're really going to understand how sam and dean's dynamic works. the audience suffers from a chronic ignorance of sam's perspective i fear <3 (this even applies to people who are generally charitable to sam as a character usually because sam himself has a tendency to compartmentalise his own perspective in favour of dean's) welcome to the fandom lol

[frenchfry99]

Waitttt....you said Lilly has a *honkable nose???*

.....

*Fnaf nose honk insert*

Lilly does the fnaf nose honk canon ‼️🎉

She's inviting you to join the clownery!

Do you accept the offer??

Bonus Lilly with a couple of her many friends! (lil one befriends anyone in sight)

Haven't drawn my Home design in ages,, he's such a silly fellow (as much as a house can be silly and fellow lol)

[mgu-h]

lando’s size kink (smol) but also the fact that he’s (big) is so through provoking

ok i know i said i would keep my kink analysis to depictions on ao3 but fuck it's late and i really want to ramble about this specifically because it IS thought provoking!!! it's such a crucial aspect of lando's personality that i think is easy to flatten, and i see often exaggerated a bit in his popular characterizations from those outside the fandom looking in, the ones from people on twitter who don't really know his whole deal, and just imagine him at his weakest. basically while i think while he does have a kink for subordinating himself in size or competence, that kink reveals a more layered psychology and wider range of needs than he is usually given credence to have. it's a kink, not an entire personality.

i just believe that lando is mostly happy. he's not always a wet, sad, shivering cat who needs coddling!! his anxiety is likely background noise most of the time, not an all-consuming roar. he's an insanely talented guy (and knows it) in his mid twenties (no longer an ingenue) who has a difficult job he's deeply passionate about that allows him to travel all over the world and experience incredible opportunities. he's earning astonishing amounts of money and living in one of the most exclusive and glamorous places on the planet! he's had many career successes and many good days on track that he can be proud of and has been praised for. he founded his dream company barely out of his teens and continues to guide it as an executive through its expansion and development. he's had lovely girlfriends and maintained deep friendships with people he's known for half his life.

i imagine his confidence and zest for life can make him feel like he matches his own size most of the time, or even find delight in being big after a childhood of being tiny. he certainly likes to tease maxf about being shorter now. i think he might actually be pretty vanilla and enjoy topping someone he loves and using his skill to bring them pleasure (he hates and fears being bad at things and loves being competent, this will be relevant in a moment lmao). i just think his dick is big and he knows how to use it, ok? and he likes to provide for people to the degree that in 15yrs i could see him playing "daddy" (but we're not there yet). he can be an annoying brat, but that just means he wants to play. i think his kinks are not the most frequent way that he experiences sexual desire on the day to day. i figure he's playful, horny, and loving most of the time, not into playing psychosexual games with his committed partner.

But.

he is not always happy or composed. his distress comes in rare, exceptional, and dangerous spikes. his ego is not small and it has a few fracture lines where it's been crushed a thousand times, with long standing traumas and complexes waiting to be activated. it's like he has a lower emotional ocean that contextually gets churned up into a powerful maelstrom that inundates him with his insecurities and leads to loops of self-criticism as a coping mechanism and defensive shield. i imagine that it is overwhelming and frightening and frustrating, and it makes him feel small, he has so many complex memories of being small in the past.

it's important that kinks can act as release valve for a lot of tensions in the psyche. these storms he feels are not perpetual, but they do need some trigger to settle back down and let him return to untainted hope and confidence. sweet reassurance from a lover can do it sometimes, but not always, not if it passes a threshold of severity. another way to trigger the end of distress is through catharsis, using intense experiences where fear and shame is felt and released. i suspect he'd crave feeling small because it allows him to be chosen and used by someone(s) bigger and stronger than him. i don't necessarily just mean physically larger, either. the figures that loom large in the mind with high status that he craves respect from also count as big.

so he positions himself in relation to other men in a way where he can indulge that frisson of delight at the potential of being small, a size to be taken care of when he needs it. it's the size he knows gets him special attention, and some other men like and find very cute or fuckable in a specific way. while he's not terribly small physically anymore, there are Certainly bigger men in the world for him to feel a pulse of attraction toward. there's a a subconscious part of him yelling that sometimes (and only sometimes) it feels good and safe for him to feel small, and be useful and get railed by a man who can pick him up physically (or destroy him on track). you know what i mean?

basically, i think he sometimes feels profoundly small on an emotional level, but i also think he's mostly a self-confident vanilla demi-top (if he loves you) who might even enjoy being bigger that his partner (he used to be small), but, he's also an occasionally slutty subby bottom (if he needs it) with a kink for being small or inferior (when he's small again inside). he needs to feel his worst fears coming true (he is lesser) simultaneously as he is reassured of just how good and special he is to a bigger person, finding strength in embodying his own weakness relative to others, and power in having them serve him (fuck him and stoke his ego back to healthy levels). that's my take on his kinks...... fuck i really didn't mean to write this. but there you go lmao

[pardonmydelays]

also, just so you know, the eras tour was my final moment as a swiftie

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HIIII FINALLY BACK THINKING ABT. GRAYSCALE WIBBY.!!!!!!!!

actually i'm. more gonna b thinkign abt like canon wiwi in worm terms bc i hav.e. fucking. NO clue how grayscale arc will translate and i'm genuinely thinking i gotta revamp his entire powerset maybe but we'll see!! i'm SO so so so excited to get ur essay on it………

anyway. new haven wards at least a 7 or so!!!!!!!!! they could fucking kill people very very very easily!!!!! they are genuinely terrifying & they r teenagers!!! clingy sad teenagers who it would take several other capes and a ton of armed soldiers and maybe like a tank to bring down!!!! a big part of my reasoning for this & them being insanely fucking op is like… they're the heirs to the triumvirate-equivalent!!! they're out here being hand picked & groomed for the roles of shit like "level cities" and "throw yourself into leviathan" and "fight the slaughterhouse 9"-- they have to be. so scary and have so much on their shoulders & also be fucked up teenagers. to me. i feel incredibly normal about this btw. also i'm sure they all feel so normal about this i'm sure grayscale wiwi sees so much protocol being enacted because of him & feels normal about it!!! im sure people love having his powers used on him and think he's cool and great and not a sick twisted fuck!!! im sure everyone's reactions to him r awesome and have a good effect on his psyche!!!! (also i have. thoughts. on like. vigilante or rogue nhw. head in hands.)

anyway anyway anyway. BACK TO WIWI. I AM PUTTING HIM AT A 9 OR 10. THIS IS. MMM. DEFINITELY WEIGHTED WITH A CONSIDERATION TO THE PANIC AND COLLATERAL DAMAGE VARIABLE. it is genuinely fucking insane to me that william wisp can create perfect simulacra of people that are such close and perfect imitations people Can Not Tell Them Apart. and also that he can create and control MANY SIMULTANEOUSLY. WHILE BEING A DISTANCE AWAY FROM THEM. and they can ATTACK YOU. even more fucking insane is that he can do it with the environment too & can create illusions that massive without anyone even noticing??………. like. just. think about it for a second. grayscale arc is literally already worm world but think about the fucking shit someone could do when they could create such visually perfect copies that no one can tell unless they touch them or he fucks up somehow. think about the shit he could do by faking an entire environment or explosions or anything else perfectly. literally going insane thinking about this & how well it's used in grayscale arc & fucking imagine if that's just. what he did every day!!! god. anyway everything u say about wibby causes me such immense pain i cannot stop fucking thinking about "what do u think he'd do if he saw civilians being evacuated because of him". head in hands. this is literally so incoherent btw sorry but like. wiwi................

GOD. DUDE. I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY IN REGARDS TO WIBBY BUT I CANT TELL YOU YET. GOD. i feel really normal about wibby and david. they have a normal and healthy sibling relationship (<< me when i lie)

i would suggest . not . totally overhauling your ideas for wibbys powers yet. maybe altering them a little but . keep them as is for now. smile. i have some ideas. im like. on the CUSP of learning more about cauldron and the artificial powers i think though so on the basis that i dont want to sound silly about my mutuals favorite piece of media i think i will hold off on that for juuuust a little longer. side note unrelated question. i know hatchet face's power was. like. cancelling out other capes powers. is there something in worm that like. temporarily or permanently removes someones powers. that would be so fucked up! but i am Thinking. how would we go about wibby power loss arc. WOULD we even need to do this. many thoughts head full.

um . hi. roswell my beautiful friend and mutual. "groomed for roles such as 'level cities' and 'throw yourself at leviathan' or 'fight the slaughterhouse 9'" do you want me to die? do you want me to die. also thats got me thinking- do you think part of the reason they chose dakota was his anger for the s9 and what they did to his parents. actually on that note would that be his trigger event???????? i dont remember if we've talked about trigger events for nhw yet. speaking of which i think wibby getting the smoke powers should be a secondary trigger event for him. i still think about that moment a lot and it hurts me so bad. mallard conway im going to kick your ass. would the smoke powers be classified as Master since theyre like... controlling minions or whatever?????? you are the worm master (<< awesome title i just came up with) id love ur thoughts on power mechanics.

im so fucking tempted to give u a little bit of the wibby david essay here but theres a specific scene in grey i need you to hear before i go full tilt into that. for now i will just say. remember the "i thought you were the first good thing to come out of deadwood. the first thing that wasnt sick and twisted" line? yeah. god. uhhhhh finding out the older sibling youve looked up to for basically your whole life is actually a horrible piece of shit person and would throw you to the wolves if it benefited him in some way. but instead he turns you into the wolf and sets you loose on people who you used to think were your friends and you dont even realize it until its too late (yes i used the wolf metaphor on purpose be so proud of me)

ANYWAY. UM. YEAH. greyscale wibby fucking. stalking through a building and all of davids hired guards see the shit hes doing and decide its better to abandon their orders and face davids wrath later than to stick around for this horrifying cape shit theyre not equipped to deal with in the slightest. wibby starts hearing radio calls of hired hands telling each other to get the fuck out of there and he realizes the reason they sound so scared is because of him. and yet. he has to keep going he HAS TO or else this will all be for nothing and hes already done so much damage he CANT let it be for nothing. but all these people are afraid of him now

[nyxofdemons]

this was going to be like a mile long essay but i just realized the most concise way to say it is that "it feels like a retcon that blitz has been so resentful and hostile towards fizz all this time since he was supposed to feel guilty" is simply not a good criticism when we have been shown, time and time again, that blitz's number one defense mechanism when he feels guilty or judged or attacked is to lash out, to deflect and ignore all his responsibility, and to shift the blame to someone else. that's like. his defining character flaw

[hearts401]

thinking abt my universe's school system and deciding to draw them working on an essay

[eebibly]

The Fairy Tail anime should not have made the Eclipse Spirits arc.

Spoiler Warning

I was super excited for this arc. I knew it was filler and would end up relatively inconsequential to the main story because it can’t (or at least shouldn’t) mess with manga canon, but I felt like the Eclipse designs were really cool (most of them anyway) and the celestial spirits were finally getting the attention that they so deserved! So when I finally got to watching it as the episodes came out week by week, I was so disappointed to slowly witness the anime equivalent of a train wreck that only got worse with every new release.

It’s bad. Might as well start with that. Plain and simple. It’s horrible. It lures the viewer in with an intriguing premise: Lucy’s golden spirits aren’t appearing when summoned, her silver spirits are harmed and in distress. Suddenly, her beloved Zodiacs appear before her —having taken on completely new forms— to declare their freedom from the shackles of celestial contracts; even though they have no memory of Lucy and what they’ve been through together.

And, already, therein lies the anime’s first mistake. The Zodiacs, simultaneously, have absolutely no recollection of their previous lives or masters, and yet also harbour a deeper resentment for both. So much so that they are willing to give up their immortality and lives just for a taste of some ‘true freedom’. This implies that, despite the amnesia, there is deeply-rooted residual trauma that Lucy and friends could have addressed in order to reach out to them. Although Lucy, famous for being especially respectful of spirits, may not have done anything specifically wrong, this could still be a good chance for her to better understand what freedom, bond and loyalty actually mean to her spirits. And then, she could readjust to meet their needs. Instead, the anime gets very stuck by the fact that they’ve forgotten everything. So the spirits just end up sounding like petulant children, covering their ears. The anime can’t decide whether we, the viewers, should be taking their concerns seriously or just feeling bad for Lucy who has to deal with her oddball pesky spirits again- But This Time, They Might Die!! Edition.

One could argue that the anime didn’t want to explore the same concept of freedom 12 times over. Except, they didn’t have to. There are so many different ways to explore what freedom means to each spirit, especially since each one has a room dedicated to them. It’s a perfect yet wasted opportunity to actually delve into each spirit and how they feel about their existence. Some quick, underdeveloped ideas: Leo could have been a reflection on what it means to have power, but the way that that power is used is out of his control; Aries could be a deep-dive into how to deal with abuse and trauma when stuck with a soft heart; Aquarius could have a been a deliberation on independence vs codependence; Virgo— exploring the difference between loyalty and servitude, etc.

One may argue that it would have taken too much time to do that though, considering the allotted amount of episodes for the arc (being 15). But I would argue that some of the *checks Wikipedia* 10.5 extra filler episodes before and after this arc could have been used for this purpose, instead of filling more space with (cute, but mostly mediocre) one-shots that, honestly, could have just been OVAs. I don’t think they’re useless or anything, I just feel that those episodes could have been better spent on making the Eclipse arc actually good. (Except Kemo-Kemo~ sweet baby’s story is exactly where it should be and he deserves so much love.)

However, we instead get a hodgepodge of slapstick gags and situational ironies in nonsensical minigame-esque battles. Taurus getting defeated because he’s a germaphobe? Really? You’d rather make fun of OCD (or other related neurodivergent diagnoses) over just actually having a meaningful conversation about what Taurus wants to achieve out of this rebellion? A boring Game Show where Levy is forced to reveal her oh-so-not-secret crush? Magic The Gathering Scorpio??? Don’t even get me started on Aries and Virgo… On top of that, the characters speak to one another as if they’ve resolved… something (for example, Wendy and Aquarius wanting to play together again someday), and will see each other again in the spirits’ eclipse forms—which I had assume they were trying to revert. Unfortunately, there’s literally no point to any of their bonding… especially after they forget it all when they become normal again anyway.

Not to mention, every other conversation is just a looped wall: “Loke, I’m saving you cuz you’re my friend and Lucy is sad!” - “My name is Leo!!!”; “Virgo, let’s talk, I don’t want you to feel enslaved, I swear!” - “Yeah right, stupid human, have some mayo down your tits”; “Please, Libra, I just wanna be friends again!” - “Shut up, balance is all”. Worst of all, these are the few examples where the humans managed to break through to them minimally. Everyone else simply had no brain cells left and were just like: “Welp, guess I lost. Peace out.” It is just the laziest writing. They even chose to ignore Loke and Gray’s canonical friendship, all for the sake of making Natsu shine again… (listen, I love Natsu- but THE BROMANCE C’MON. It all just felt forced.)

And on top of that, you know all those interesting themes that could have been explored but that ultimately amount to nothing? The story then pivots and decides: “you know what? It actually DOES mean NOTHING!!!” Because (plot twist!) the freedom they actually wanted was from their power-hungry overlord beast of a King! (|Sarcasm incoming->) But of course, that wasn’t a believable enough reason for wanting freedom, and they’d rather die than ask humans for help. (Sarcasm over|) The fact that Ophiuchus tricked them into giving up their lives “for the king” without the Zodiacs realizing is probably the worst plot twist I’ve ever read.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t necessarily mind “we did this all for nothing” or “we tried to help but ended leading them to their demise” premises. Having said that, not only was this one poorly executed, but it also removes any reason for the viewer to take the spirits’ concerns seriously. After all, they were just taking out their misunderstood fear on the humans. Their feelings were misplaced, therefore we no longer have to worry about them wanting to actually leave Lucy or choosing to die. Also, why did they hurt the silver keys? Were they just acting out? Were they working under the influence of the king? Or is the implication that it’s actually the king who hurt them? If it was the Zodiac spirits who hurt them, despite the fact that the silvers are also under threat of the beast- WHY???

*siiiiigh*

In short, just because filler arcs should be inconsequential to the canon story line, that doesn’t mean that they can’t have something meaningful to explore or add to the existing story. Instead, Fairy Tail anime decided to waste everyone’s time on half-baked battles, cheap (borderline offensive) gags, and a plot twist that ultimately implies: “if the spirits don’t belong to Lucy (and Yukino), then they don’t matter.” And then— The spirits don’t even remember being saaaaved. *slow clap* Veeeery funny, anime. What a clever clever this-was-all-for-nothing final jest.