#only the cave troll deals with the smut

[sendpseuds]

just finished nearly 6000 words of straight smut and suddenly feeling very insecure about writing the other two perspectives...

[hayleysstark]

a comprehensive list of everything i flat-out forgot and/or straight-up didn’t process about Trollhunters because the first time i watched it, i binged it in a weekend while i was high out of my damn mind and now i’m finally rewatching it and losing my shit 

“my friends call me Walt.” “what do your enemies call you?”

Vendel’s entire existence

“HE REWROTE SHAKESPEARE” 

“put your hand in the Soothscryer.” “um, I’m going to get it back, right?”

Coach Lawrence deadass has a coffee cup that says “#1 Butt Snack” on it

Blinky just eats whipped cream directly out of the can. this man fears no god.

ARTHUR-SAN 

“where IS that contact lens???”

apparently there was an undead assassin named Angor Rot and the entire fandom collectively thought he was very sexy???? 

no no i canNOT stress this enough. the man is literally a pile of bones. he looks like a deformed ram. he wears nothing but a loincloth. and y’all were STILL horny for this man???

literally i went into the AO3 tag and there was just wall-to-wall Angor/Gunmar smut??? sometimes the occasional, slightly classier Angor/Strickler or Angor/Morgana but iT WAS ALL ANGOR ROT SMUT

in conclusion: y’all need jesus

remember that episode when the amulet starts randomly producing clones of Jim and they’re all different aspects of his personality and they’re all in color-coded jackets??? because i sure didn’t

to atone for this, here are some true highlights, in no particular order:    

when NotEnrique sees all the Jim clones fighting in Claire’s bedroom and says, out loud, “I’m not dealing with this” and just fucks off out the window again

“THAT MOVE’S NOT LEGAL!” 

“[through tears] they overcharged you on your cable bill??”

 “YO YO YO HOLLA!” 

“what crime have i committed but from yearnings of the heart?” “unsanctioned use of troll magic, hindering a Trollhunter in his duties, and altogether wussiness” 

okay okay i’m done i’m normal again  

“girls don’t pee! they conspire!!” 

when the undead assassin named Angor Rot coats his knife in poison and then licks the blade. that’s really not a good habit to get into, buddy

“if EVERYONE believes it, then it MUST be a conspiracy!!!” 

everybody calls Morgana “eldritch queen” which is hands-down the funniest fucking name i have ever heard in my entire life, i would literally be so flattered if someone said that to me??? call me an eldritch queen. tell me i’m the most eldritch queen you’ve ever seen

Gunmar’s voice is really just Like That huh

Blinky was a human for a little while???

when all the teachers accidentally drink the Changeling dust coffee and Jim calls Strickler in a panic and asks what to do only he lies and says it’s Toby’s cat that got into the dust and so Strickler tells him “just put the cat down” and Jim is like “wELL WE CAN’T DO THAT--” 

and then Strickler comes into the school and sees Ms. Janeth eating out of the garbage and he’s not even angry with Jim he’s just like mildly disappointed. you can literally hear him thinking “wow i am really hedging my bets that this idiot is going to defeat Gunmar okay wow” 

when Jim and Toby get arrested for breaking into the museum and there’s that montage of all their mugshots and Toby is just having the time of his short teenage life and then it flashes to Jim, who just looks miserable and humiliated   

Gnome Chompsky asking the plastic doll to marry him (you know what??? i ship it)

“i told you, i don’t care about my dad!” “you do now”

when Jim gets shrunken down to like two inches tall to go after that gnome but then it doesn’t wear off so he spends the night at Toby’s house and when he falls asleep, Toby really just deadass puts him in the dollhouse

Senor Uhl 

Toby’s weird obsession with the mole???

“birthing day” 

“wait, you ate cat food????” “and i LIKED it!!”  

when Toby gets arrested and shoved into the cop car but when the officer steps out for one (1) second, Toby jumps into the front seat and drives off with the car and then he calls Jim in a panic and screams “I’M IN A HIGH-SPEED CHASE” but when it zooms out he’s literally just going like 2 mph 

that whole episode where Barbara says she’ll be at the hospital all weekend so Jim, Strickler, and Draal decide to set all those traps for Angor Rot but then Barbara comes back early and pepper sprays Jim and Draal

when Steve and Eli have to raise that sack of flour together

when all the kids are stuck in Saturday detention together and that girl with the glasses (Shannon??) talks about how they should all be kinder to each other and Claire goes “what are you in for, anyway” and the girl says “embezzlement” 

when Toby pretends to be Vendel to steal the Heartstone staff and even though he fucks up spectacularly, he still gets away with it

“keep it ✨ crispy ✨”

when Blinky’s human and he comes to the school and overhears all the kids calling Jim a wuss. and he AGREES with them 

when Claire gets possessed by Morgana in the middle of her double date with Jim and Toby and Darci and she is literally trying to murder Jim with a steak knife but Toby insists it’s just because she’s totally into Jim. and Jim believes him.

when they’re searching for Merlin’s tomb, and Jim and Draal are being chased by Gunmar, the Gumm-Gumm king, and Angor Rot, the deadliest assassin known to trollkind, and they are in a cave that is collapsing around them, and Jim and Draal deadass look at each other and go “race you”. chaotic stupid. 

“hey, guys, i taught myself bass guitar in the band room. this one goes out to my Juliet--” 

Blinky is really just out here hating Merlin for no reason and Merlin is really just out here not even giving a fuck. iconic. 

“our Trollhunter is fearless, gallant, courageous--” “BLINKY THERE’S THIS CRAZY TROLL TRYING TO KILL ME AND I’M TERRIFIED” 

in conclusion i’m sorry that i wasted my first watch of Trollhunters on post-op prescription painkillers

but i still don’t understand why everybody wants to fuck Angor Rot. y’all please read a Bible.

[razieltwelve]

Fanfiction (Final Rose)

The first clue that Averia should have turned on her heel and run for it while she still could was the maniacal cackling coming from her sister. Now, Averia loved her sister. If Diana was ever in trouble, she wouldn’t hesitate to lay down her life for her. However, she was also very much aware of the fact that her sister was crazy.

Alas, before Averia could retreat, Diana noticed her.

“Hey!” Diana cried. “You have to read this. It’s hilarious.”

Averia considered simply running for it, but then she’d have to deal with Diana pouting at her relentlessly the next time they met, and that was just impossible to deal with. Despite being a gremlin, her sister’s pout was nevertheless a deadly weapon. Even their mother wasn’t completely immune to it.

“Fine.” Averia sighed. “I’m going to regret this. What am I going to be reading?”

“Just read it.” Diana’s grin was pure, malevolent glee. “I don’t want to spoil the surprise.”

X    X     X

“So you want me to teach you how to kiss.” Averia’s emerald gaze smouldered with pure, unbridled lust. “I’ll do more than that.”

Diana backed away. She had only just realised the monster she’d unleashed. “But... but we’re sisters...”

“You should have thought of that before you tempted me.” Averia advanced. A moment later, Diana found herself pinned against the wall. “Now be a good girl and try not to make too much noise. We wouldn’t want anyone to interrupt, would we?”

X    X    X

Averia looked away from the scroll and then back at her sister and then back at the scroll. Wordlessly, she put the scroll down on the table and then reached over to slap Diana upside the head.

“Ouch!” Diana wailed. “What was that for?”

“Seriously? That was what you wanted me to read? I know people write fan fiction about students at Beacon, but I did not need to know that people write fan fiction about us.” Averia shuddered. “Some people...”

“I think it’s hilarious.” Diana batted her eyelashes at Averia. “What could be sweeter than the forbidden love between two sister who, already close, find themselves taking their love just that little bit further - ouch!”

Averia lowered her hand. “Keep talking, and I’ll keep hitting you.”

“You’ll give me brain damage,” Diana grumbled.

“I could literally cave in your skull, and you’d be fine.” Averia glared. “So don’t tempt me.”

Diana opened her mouth.

“And if you make a reference to what I just read, so help me, I’ll do it.”

Diana didn’t say a word. However, Averia could practically hear the teasing going through her sister’s mind. Sometimes, knowing her so well could be aggravating. Averia slapped her over the head again.

“What?” Diana yelped. “I didn’t say anything.”

“You were thinking it.” Averia covered her face with one hand. “How did you even stumble across that?”

“I’ll have you know that I write plenty of Strangles fan fiction.” Diana smiled at her pet snake who was basking in the sun nearby. “So I like to trawl through stuff too. You’d be surprised by how good some of the fan fiction is. But, yeah, a lot of it is just crazy smut.” Diana cackled. “There are heaps of people convinced you’ve turned your team into your own personal harem.”

Averia’s eye twitched. “Claire is on my team.”

“Did you not just read a story pairing up the two of us? You and Claire are cousins. That is no problem for some fan fiction authors. Some of them even think that’s a positive.”

“...” Averia took a deep breath. “Please, stop talking.”

“And that’s not including all the stories claiming that Ruby is actually our secret sister.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Or that mother and Colonel Nabaat are secretly in love.”

“The only thing mother wants to secretly do to the colonel is kill her.”

“Or that I’m secretly Aunt Vanille’s kid.”

“... you look like a carbon-copy of our mom.”

“Yes. Yes, I do.” Diana nodded sagely. “Those stories tend to claim that our mom and Aunt Vanille had a thing going.”

“...” Averia took another deep breath. “Diana, I’m going to leave now. Please, never talk to me about this again.”

“But I haven’t even gotten to the stories where you and Elsa are totally in love with each other.”

“Really?” Averia rolled her eyes. “Elsa and I are just friends and teammates. That’s never going to happen.”

X    X     X

Author’s Notes

Yeah. People in the real world write fan fiction about bands and celebrities (there was heaps of it on FF.net before the Great Purge, and it’s still on AO3), so it’s not surprising that on Remnant people write about hunters. That said, most hunters stay away from it. Diana, being a gigantic troll, loves to read through all of it because she thinks it’s funny. And, yeah, she is responsible for heaps of Strangles fan fiction, which has made Strangles the most popular reptile in the world.

Also, Averia’s last comment did not age well. At all. You can bet Diana never lets her forget it.