#only reason i wasn’t tagging was because i’ve never posted on tumblr with a tag before so no one would know me anyways

[saintjasper]

can new mutuals be normal about certain alters signing off in the tags? guess we’re about to find out

[ekingston]

SO HERE IS THE WHOLE STORY (SO FAR).

I am on my knees begging you to reblog this post and to stop reblogging the original ones I sent out yesterday. This is the complete account with all the most recent info; the other one is just sending people down senselessly panicked avenues that no longer lead anywhere.

IN SHORT

Cliff Weitzman, CEO of Speechify and (aspiring?) voice actor, used AI to scrape thousands of popular, finished works off AO3 to list them on his own for-profit website and in his attached app. He did this without getting any kind of permission from the authors of said work or informing AO3. Obviously.

When fandom at large was made aware of his theft and started pushing back, Weitzman issued a non-apology on the original social media posts—using 

his dyslexia; 

his intent to implement a tip-system for the plagiarized authors; and 

a sudden willingness to take down the work of every author who saw my original social media posts and emailed him individually with a ‘valid’ claim,

as reasons we should allow him to continue monetizing fanwork for his own financial gain.

When we less-than-kindly refused, he took down his ‘apologies’ as well as his website (allegedly—it’s possible that our complaints to his web host, the deluge of emails he received or the unanticipated traffic brought it down, since there wasn’t any sort of official statement made about it), and when it came back up several hours later, all of the work formerly listed in the fan fiction category was no longer there. 

THE TAKEAWAYS

1. Cliff Weitzman (aka Ofek Weitzman) is a scumbag with no qualms about taking fanwork without permission, feeding it to AI and monetizing it for his own financial gain; 

2. Fandom can really get things done when it wants to, and 

3. Our fanworks appear to be hidden, but they’re NOT DELETED from Weitzman’s servers, and independently published, original works are still listed without the authors' permission. We need to hold this man responsible for his theft, keep an eye on both his current and future endeavors, and take action immediately when he crosses the line again. 

THE TIMELINE, THE DETAILS, THE SCREENSHOTS (behind the cut)

Sunday night, December 22nd 2024, I noticed an influx in visitors to my fic You & Me & Holiday Wine. When I searched the title online, hoping to find out where they came from, a new listing popped up (third one down, no less):

This listing is still up today, by the way, though now when you follow the link to word-stream, it just brings you to the main site. (Also, to be clear, this was not the cause for the influx of traffic to my fic; word-stream did not link back to the original work anywhere.)

I followed the link to word-stream, where to my horror Y&M&HW was listed in its entirety—though, beyond the first half of the first chapter, behind a paywall—along with a link promising to take me—through an app downloadable on the Apple Store—to an AI-narrated audiobook version. When I searched word-stream itself for my ao3 handle I found both of my multi-chapter fics were listed this way:

Because the tags on my fics (which included genres* and characters, but never the original IPs**) weren’t working, I put ‘Kara Danvers’ into the search bar and discovered that many more supercorp fics (Supergirl TV fandom, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor pairing) were listed.

I went looking online for any mention of word-stream and AI plagiarism (the covers—as well as the ridiculously inflated number of reviews and ratings—made it immediately obvious that AI fuckery was involved), but found almost nothing: only one single Reddit post had been made, and it received (at that time) only a handful of upvotes and no advice. 

I decided to make a tumblr post to bring the supercorp fandom up to speed about the theft. I draw as well as write for fandom and I’ve only ever had to deal with art theft—which has a clear set of steps to take depending on where said art was reposted—and I was at a loss regarding where to start in this situation.

After my post went up I remembered Project Copy Knight, which is worth commending for the work they’ve done to get fic stolen from AO3 taken down from monetized AI 'audiobook’ YouTube accounts. I reached out to @echoekhi, asking if they’d heard of this site and whether they could advise me on how to get our works taken down.

While waiting for a reply I looked into Copy Knight’s methods and decided to contact OTW’s legal department:

And then I went to bed.

By morning, tumblr friends @makicarn and @fazedlight as well as a very helpful tumblr anon had seen my post and done some very productive sleuthing:

@echoekhi had also gotten back to me, advising me, as expected, to contact the OTW. So I decided to sit tight until I got a response from them.

That response came only an hour or so later: 

Which was 100% understandable, but still disappointing—I doubted a handful of individual takedown requests would accomplish much, and I wasn’t eager to share my given name and personal information with Cliff Weitzman himself, which is unavoidable if you want to file a DMCA.

I decided to take it to Reddit, hoping it would gain traction in the wider fanfic community, considering so many fandoms were affected. My Reddit posts (with the updates at the bottom as they were emerging) can be found here and here.

A helpful Reddit user posted a guide on how users could go about filing a DMCA against word-stream here (to wobbly-at-best results)

A different helpful Reddit user signed up to access insight into word-streams pricing. Comment is here.

Smells unbelievably scammy, right? In addition to those audacious prices—though in all fairness any amount of money would be audacious considering every work listed is accessible elsewhere for free—my dyscalculia is screaming silently at the sight of that completely unnecessary amount of intentionally obscured numbers.

Speaking of which! As soon as the post on r/AO3—and, as a result, my original tumblr post—began taking off properly, sometime around 1 pm, jumpscare! A notification that a tumblr account named @cliffweitzman had commented on my post, and I got a bit mad about the gist of his message :

Fortunately he caught plenty of flack in the comments from other users (truly you should check out the comment section, it is extremely gratifying and people are making tremendously good points), in response to which, of course, he first tried to both reiterate and renegotiate his point in a second, longer comment (which I didn’t screenshot in time so I’m sorry for the crappy notification email formatting):

which he then proceeded to also post to Reddit (this is another Reddit user’s screenshot, I didn’t see it at all, the notifications were moving too fast for me to follow by then)

... where he got a roughly equal amount of righteously furious replies. (Check downthread, they're still there, all the way at the bottom.)

After which Cliff went ahead & deleted his messages altogether. 

It’s not entirely clear whether his account was suspended by Reddit soon after or whether he deleted it himself, but considering his tumblr account is still intact, I assume it’s the former. He made a handful of sock puppet accounts to play around with for a while, both on Reddit and Tumblr, only one of which I have a screenshot of, but since they all say roughly the same thing, you’re not missing much:

And then word-stream started throwing a DNS error.

That lasted for a good number of hours, which was unfortunately right around the time that a lot of authors first heard about the situation and started asking me individually how to find out whether their work was stolen too. I do not have that information and I am unclear on the perimeters Weitzman set for his AI scraper, so this is all conjecture: it LOOKS like the fics that were lifted had three things in common:

They were completed works;

They had over several thousand kudos on AO3; and

They were written by authors who had actively posted or updated work over the past year.

If anyone knows more about these perimeters or has info that counters my observation, please let me know!

I finally thought to check/alert evil Twitter during this time, and found out that the news was doing the rounds there already. I made a quick thread summarizing everything that had happened just in case. You can find it here.

I went to Bluesky too, where fandom was doing all the heavy lifting for me already, so I just reskeeted, as you do, and carried on.

Sometime in the very early evening, word-stream went back up—but the fan fiction category was nowhere to be seen. Tentative joy and celebration!***

That’s when several users—the ones who had signed up for accounts to gain intel and had accessed their own fics that way—reported that their work could still be accessed through their history. Relevant Reddit post here.

Sooo—

We’re obviously not done. The fanwork that was stolen by Weitzman may be inaccessible through his website right now, but they aren’t actually gone. And the fact that Weitzman wasn’t willing to get rid of them altogether means he still has plans for them. 

This was my final edit on my Reddit post before turning off notifications, and it's pretty much where my head will be at for at least the foreseeable future:

Please feel free to add info in the comments, make your own posts, take whatever action you want to take to protect your work. I only beg you—seriously, I’m on my knees here—to not give up like I saw a handful of people express the urge to do. Keep sharing your creative work and remain vigilant and stay active to make sure we can continue to do so freely. Visit your favorite fics, and the ones you’ve kept in your ‘marked for later’ lists but never made time to read, and leave kudos, leave comments, support your fandom creatives, celebrate podficcers and support AO3. We created this place and it’s our responsibility to keep it alive and thriving for as long as we possibly can.

Also FUCK generative AI. It has NO place in fandom spaces.

THE 'SMALL' PRINT (some of it in all caps):

*Weitzman knew what he was doing and can NOT claim ignorance. One, it’s pretty basic kindergarten stuff that you don’t steal some other kid’s art project and present it as your own only to act surprised when they protest and then tell the victim that they should have told you sooner that they didn’t want their project stolen. And two, he was very careful never to list the IPs these fanworks were based on, so it’s clear he was at least familiar enough with the legalities to not get himself in hot water with corporate lawyers. Fucking over fans, though, he figured he could get away with that. 

**A note about the AI that Weitzman used to steal our work: it’s even greasier than it looks at first glance. It’s not just the method he used to lift works off AO3 and then regurgitate onto his own website and app. Looking beyond the untold horrors of his AI-generated cover ‘art’, in many cases these covers attempt to depict something from the fics in question that can’t be gleaned from their summaries alone. In addition, my fics (and I assume the others, as well) were listed with generated genres; tags that did not appear anywhere in or on my fic on AO3 and were sometimes scarily accurate and sometimes way off the mark. I remember You & Me & Holiday Wine had ‘found family’ (100% correct, but not tagged by me as such) and I believe The Shape of Soup was listed as, among others, ‘enemies to friends to lovers’ and ‘love triangle’ (both wildly inaccurate). Even worse, not all the fic listed (as authors on Reddit pointed out) came with their original summaries at all. Often the entire summary was AI-generated. All of these things make it very clear that it was an all-encompassing scrape—not only were our fics stolen, they were also fed word-for-word into the AI Weitzman used and then analyzed to suit Weitzman’s needs. This means our work was literally fed to this AI to basically do with whatever its other users want, including (one assumes) text generation. 

***Fan fiction appears to have been made (largely) inaccessible on word-stream at this time, but I’m hearing from several authors that their original, independently published work, which is listed at places like Kindle Unlimited, DOES still appear in word-stream’s search engine. This obviously hurts writers, especially independent ones, who depend on these works for income and, as a rule, don’t have a huge budget or a legal team with oceans of time to fight these battles for them. If you consider yourself an author in the broader sense, beyond merely existing online as a fandom author, beyond concerns that your own work is immediately at risk, DO NOT STOP MAKING NOISE ABOUT THIS.

PLEASE check my later versions of this post via my main page to make sure you have the latest version of this post before you reblog. All the information I’ve been able to gather is in my reblogs below, and it's frustrating to see the old version getting passed around, sending people on wild goose chases.

Thank you all so much!

[terribleinfluence-tour]

Let’s address the situation

Recently an anonymous reddit/twitter user has accused me of being a stalker of dan and phil because of the way this blog is run.

So, let’s talk about it.

Let’s start with the absolute facts: I have never posted anything to this blog that wasn’t public information.

1. I have never doxxed the location of the tour bus.

Things i have posted about the tour bus: a photo from a crew member where the bus company was visible, a story that Kelly posted that was location tagged to a road in the middle of nowhere showing that dan and phil weren’t in vegas on oct 19.

Reasons why I don’t believe this to be wrong: Any of you who have waited at stage door can see the company is written on the bus, it is not confidential information, knowing the bus companies name does not give you any personal information about dan and phil. As for the location tag, it was in the middle of nowhere, they were already in their next location when it was posted, I was not the first person to post this story, i only posted it cos It was already all over twitter. (however this is the only story i’ve posted that i will gladly take criticism for despite my justifications)

2. I have only posted stories from 2 crew members: Kelly and Sarah. These are public instagram accounts. I only post their stories that are related to the tour itself. I am not the only person and I was not the first person to post these stories anywhere. I have never posted anything from any crew who have private accounts because 1) i can’t see that content cos I obviously do not follow those accounts and 2) i don’t post private information, it’s private for a reason.

I did not seek out the crew accounts, i didn’t not look for them myself, i only knew what they were because multiple people had already been posting the stories from the accounts way before me on both twitter and tumblr. Both these people know phannies follow them on instagram, they’re not going to post anything with information they don’t want you to know.

Despite my justifications, from now on I will be cropping out the usernames of these crew members who do share stuff publicly and in captions i will only be referring to them as crew.

3. Audio Recordings.

First disclaimer: I have never encouraged video recording of the show! I think that it’s distracting to dan and phil and i really think you should be living in the moment when you see this show. There is a reason we have never posted videos of the show on this blog even in our spoiler tag. I believe audio recording to be more harmless because you can just put your phone out of the way and it’s distracting no one at all.

The concept of sharing audio recordings of the show were not my idea, this started on the european leg of the tour by people on twitter, If you look back at the recordings i have posted you’ll see that all the europe audios (apart from antwerp) do not link to our google drive. I did decide to carry this on during the American leg.

I have never forced anyone to do this, I have only approached 1 person directly to see if they could record. The rest were all volunteers who saw my posts asking if anyone would do it and they all came to me on their own accord.

I very much understand the criticism on audio recording shows, however I want to look at this from not only a preservation effort but also as a way to make this show accessible to people who might for whatever reason not be able to attend as well as it being a way for you to go and listen to the show you attend again if you wanted to.

This being said I am no longer going to ask for specific shows and instead say that if you just happen to audio record a show and would be willing to let me post it then you can message me (@danrifics ) and i will post it. (this goes for the australian leg and the UK leg too) I will also at the end of the tour make a post with what’s missing and we’ll see if anyone recorded or not.

Finally I want to thank everyone for their continued support of the blog and its archiving efforts and I hope you all stick with me while we change things a little bit and I look forward to continuing to share content with you all and I can’t wait to reveal a few blog pages we’ve been working on!

- Bethanie

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking someone not to make my art about a ship I hate?

This happened a couple months ago, but I’m still kinda unsure if I handled it correctly.

Basic rundown of events: I posted some art of a character on their own in the evening, and when I woke up the next morning, someone had reblogged with an addition about a ship that’s a big notp for me. I messaged them to ask they delete it as politely as possible, because people had been interacting with that version of the post specifically and it made me uncomfortable. They responded by saying I was being immature and needed to learn not to police what other people do on the internet. We exchanged a couple more messages, and I tried to explain my position my throughly. Neither of us was overtly hostile or anything, but I felt extremely talked down to by their tone of voice. After our conversation, we both blocked each other, and that was that. They never did delete their addition.

Why I think I might be TA: we weren’t exactly friends or anything. Neither of us followed each other. I’d seen them around in the fandom, and they’d reblogged some of my art in the past, but I think messaging someone I didn’t know instead of just blocking them might have been a bit of an overreach. Plus the ship in question is canon, and not particularly controversial or anything, so most people in the fandom probably wouldn’t have minded.

On the other hand, the ship being so unavoidable is a big part of the reason it upset me so much. It’s hard for me to exist in this fandom without having to see it constantly, and I don’t even ever mention the other character in it for fear of this exact thing happening. I’ve had people be assholes on my posts about the ship I prefer, or go out of their way to interpret my romantic posts about them platonically, or add tags to my art about how they only like my ship as backstory and not endgame. I don’t want to have to put a disclaimer every single time I post about this fandom. I just want to enjoy the things I like without being negative all the time. Which is why I figured messaging privately was more polite than making a stink where everyone could see. I specifically mentioned that I knew they wouldn’t have known and wasn’t mad.

No one actually ended up reblogging their addition, which is also a strike against me, but I got a lot of likes on specifically that version of the post, which made me scared they were going to. I hated the idea of having to turn off reblogs on a piece I’d worked pretty fucking hard on because a version I found so upsetting was in circulation. If it was just tags, I’d have blocked, but it being an addition is different. I don’t think asking people not to make my posts about it is “policing what other people do on the internet”. You’re in MY house, on MY post with MY art I spent hours on. Making additions to art posts already seems somewhat rude to me, that’s just not something you do, but I guess that’s a matter of the corner of tumblr culture you’re used it.

Also, their response felt very aggressive and condescending. They implied I was, like, a kid, and I do think I’m somewhat younger than them, but the only information about my age in my bio at the time was that I’m an adult, so it felt like a rude assumption. My age doesn’t have anything to do with it.

Again, though, I do absolutely see how my initial message could read as entitled. During the rest of our messaging, I did lose my temper a little bit at one point; I said something about how I’ve had to deal with shit in this fandom before, and I don’t remember the exact words since, again, we both blocked each other, but I know I swore at them. That might’ve come across as more aggressive than I wanted, and probably didn’t exactly help deescalate. (Can’t say for sure, I don’t have their side of the story)

Like I said, this situation was a bit ago now, but it upset me pretty bad at the time, and I’m still not entirely sure who’s in the wrong. So, AITA?

(Also to get ahead of this: please don’t make this about shipcourse in the comments. It’s not about that. They and I have similar opinions on that discourse from what I’ve gathered anyway. Thanks.)

What are these acronyms?

[mylovesstuffs]

🌧️ | Tumblr Shadowban: My Experience + What You Should Know

Hey everyone! I’ve got quite a few asks about the whole shadowban situation during my shadowban—how I knew, what happened, and how I will know when it's solved etc etc. I didn’t answer right away bc I wasn’t sure how it would play out, but now that I’ve been through it [kinda], here’s a full breakdown of what happened, how I knew, and what I’ve learned after dealing with this mess. Hopefully this helps if you ever find yourself in Tumblr jail like I did lol:

FYI: I’m mostly back from Tumblr jail… BUT I’m still kinda half-ghost cause my tags are still broken. Since I rely on tags for my posts to actually reach people outside my follower list, I’m holding off on bringing my scheduled posts back to the front. So until Tumblr fully resurrects me and fixes this last bit, no new posts for now.

I’ll keep you updated, but for now… I’m still stuck halfway in the shadow realm.

No tags, no posts 😭

Also, everything I’ve shared about this shadowban stuff comes from my own experience dealing with it on my blog these past days, plus things I’ve learned after digging around the internet while I was stuck in the void.

Q: What happened?

Basically, Tumblr shadowbanned me out of nowhere. My blog still existed, but I was pretty much invisible to everyone except my existing followers. So unless you already followed me before the shadowban, you couldn’t see me on your dash, in tags, or anywhere else.

Q: What exactly is a shadowban?

A shadowban on Tumblr means your blog still technically functions and looks normal to you, but Tumblr has made you invisible to everyone else other than your pre-existing followers before the ban. You can post, reblog, and interact, but no one else could see it—unless they already followed you.

Q: How did you realize you were shadowbanned?

Here’s what tipped me off:

My Messages section disappeared on my main blog (but was still there on my side-blog).

I couldn’t DM anyone, but people could still DM me [I just wouldn’t receive the messages].

I noticed a huge drop in notes during this mess. I usually get 99+ notifications within 2-3 hours, but while shadowbanned, it barely hit 50 max because no one outside my followers could see my posts.

I could send asks, but no one would receive them [despite Tumblr saying ‘ask sent’].

I could receive asks, but I couldn't reply for some reason.

My likes/reblogs didn't go through, and my name didn’t appear in the notes section. So my likes + reblog didn't count.

I couldn’t reply or comment on posts at all.

I couldn’t tag anyone and no one could tag me either. It just didn’t work, because they couldn't find me [I didn't exist when I was banned]

My blog + posts didn’t show up in Tumblr search [obv].

My original posts likely didn’t show up on my followers’ dashboards [not sure, but if it did, pls lmk].

However, simple reblogs (without comments or tags) were still visible to my followers.

Q: Who could still see you?

Only my existing followers could still see me. No one outside of them could find me or my content. That’s why they were the only one to discover my shadowban announcement.

Q: Why does this happen?

It could be for a few reasons:

Tumblr flagged your blog as a potential bot or spammer.

Someone mass-reported your blog (even unfairly).

A simple Tumblr glitch (the most common culprit).

Q: How did you fix it?

I contacted Tumblr Support, but funnily enough, they never replied [at least, yet]. Out of nowhere, most functions started working again today, except my tags—they’re still glitchy. Apparently, this is common. Sometimes Tumblr ‘forgets’ to fully unban everything, so things like tags, asks, or replies might still act weird even after the shadowban is mostly lifted.

Q: But wait, tag's still broken?

Yep! While most things are now back to normal, my tags are still buggy. Based on what I’ve read, some people get stuck with broken tags, messages, asks, or replies even after the ban lifts and I happened to be stuck with broken tags. I can use them but they won't be useful for now [but imma still check lol].

Q: How long does it usually take to resolve a shadowban?

It varies a LOT.

For me, it lasted around 2 days before things kinda started going back to normal. But I’ve heard from others that it can take anywhere from a few hours to over a month, depending on how fast Support acts (or if it resolves itself, like mine might have).

My friend, Tiya @gyubakeries is shadowbanned for a few weeks now :( but mine got halfway lifted in just two days [tho, my draft issues still stand]

Some only get fully unbanned after repeated tickets to Support.

Q: What should you do if you’re shadowbanned?

Contact Tumblr Support right away with clear details about what’s happening.

Don’t panic if they don’t reply immediately (or at all).

Avoid spamming multiple tickets—wait 5-7 days before following up.

Feel free to reblog this if you think it’ll help someone else! And thanks to everyone who stuck with me while I was screaming into the void.

⌦ ⛓️ © mylovesstuffs | est. 2025. still fighting my way out of Tumblr jail—your support = lifesaver. until I’m free, stay cozy & keep dreaming! ◜ᴗ◝

[ffc1cb]

new art blog

the short version:

1. i made a new art blog: @cbge;

2. @ffc1cb will stay up as an archive.

the long version:

hi everyone. this announcement is somewhat late, since the blog in question has been up for a few months now, and i’ve already started posting art on it. the reason it took me so long to “reveal” it is because i’ve been trying to figure out whether a new blog is something i actually want, or if it's just me throwing darts at a board, trying to make myself feel better somehow.

i don’t know when precisely it all started, but ever since sometime last year i’ve been going through a hard time, both emotionally and creatively. i’m not sure whether being depressed is what made art harder, or art becoming harder is what made me depressed (a bit of both, i think), but lately, drawing has been a struggle. 

i’ve found myself having less and less energy for art, and this lack of energy resulted in poorer quality of drawings, which resulted in me feeling like i’m getting worse at it, despite my efforts. i knew i could make good art, art that i’m proud of - i’ve done so countless times before, - but somehow it felt like i just couldn’t anymore, like my hands forgot how to. nothing looked right. 

i’ve been trying to experiment. i’ve learned some new things, tried this and that - it was enlightening, to say the least, and even though i kind of liked how it looked, it made me feel a sense of displacement. i was at odds with myself, my art, and how i felt about it, when previously i was always in sync. i was making art, yes, and it looked nice, but it felt like it wasn’t mine.

i suppose part of it was also the growing lack of engagement, and i don’t mean likes and reblogs - i never particularly cared about those. they are all just numbers to me; dry and impersonal. what i’m talking about is actual, human interactions: personal thoughts in tags, asks, replies, etc. a conversation. 

i don’t mean to sound “old” or anything, but i remember when talking to artists online was more commonplace. my wife tells me it’s because the internet culture has changed over the years, that people have become more reclusive, less willing to be open with their thoughts, and she's probably right, but in my slump i find it hard to believe. somehow it feels like it’s my fault for being less “engaging”, for seeming unapproachable or perhaps intimidating. maybe it’s “just a skill issue”, maybe it’s because i have stopped churning out fanart for popular fandoms, maybe it’s because i refuse to torture myself emotionally by having an art account on twitter (i can’t fucking stand the place anymore; i still post nsfw art there, but only because it’s literally one of the only places on the internet that allows you to do so. i miss when you could post female presenting tits on tumblr).

i have always, ever since i started posting art on the internet back in 2012, done it for human connection. i wanted to talk to people, and have people talk to me. i wanted to inspire people with my art, and i wanted to bring them comfort. i wanted to elicit an emotional response, and have people tell me about it. it was one of the main reasons i drew in the first place; having lost that, i’ve been struggling to stay passionate about making art.

i miss being a small artist on the internet during the 2010s. i remember when i could make a post going, “hey everyone, how are you all doing today?” and it would not seem weird to people in the slightest. it is just me? does anyone else feel that way? am i too deep in my own head? the internet feels so unwelcoming nowadays, especially to artists. we are all just content machines; people scroll by our stuff, or maybe look at it for half a second and leave a like before scrolling away. i know it’s unfair to demand people’s attention, especially now when our lives are already so overwhelmed by everything - no one has the energy to pay closer attention; i myself am not immune to mindless scrolling. but it feels bad. i wish we were all sincere and enthusiastic again.

anyway (sorry for rambling. i hope i haven’t bored you to death), you might want to say, okay, but how is making a new art blog on a “dying” social platform going to help with any of that? the truth is, i don’t know. i just felt like i needed a change. 

i’ve been running this blog since 2016 (that’s almost 8 full years!). i feel incredibly attached to it, but at the same time, i feel it weighing me down. 

there are people who followed me years ago for one specific thing, still expecting me to post about said thing (i still find it mindboggling that some people follow artists for a specific fandom only, but that is a whole other matter for a whole other post that i will never write). a third, if not half, of my following are probably dead blogs. and with my current struggle with trying to regain the joy i once felt for making art, looking back at all the art i’ve done over the years makes me feel tired. i still love it all; it’s all very dear to me. i’m proud of it; looking at it makes me mourn my younger and more passionate self.

so i’ve decided to make a new blog, where i will let myself post whatever i want, in whatever stage of donness i feel like. maybe it will help me, somehow. maybe it won’t. but if you care about my art, if you want to keep following me on my artistic journey, i welcome you to join me there. similarly, feel free not to - no hard feelings.

thank you everyone for your support over the years; it matters a lot to me. i’m not planning to delete or private this blog; it will stay up, and i will still be reachable on here. i will still answer asks, if there will be any. i’m just not planning to post any art here anymore. this is it for my dear old friend ffc1cb.

i can be found in other places:

@cbge, as mentioned earlier,

@k0nstanta, an art blog dedicated solely to my and my wife's ocs,

@inquisimail, a dragon age ask blog that has become my dragon age sideblog in general,

and multiple other blogs, none of which are art related, but feel free to ask, if you’re curious.

thank you very much for reading all of this. i hope you have a wonderful day.

[lukeynewtssimp]

To the people who like to tell me that I should stop talking about Nic or that I cannot be a fan of hers if I am a fan of Luke’s…

Whether you like it or not, those two are friends and at the very least they have a close working relationship that has not ended yet so they will keep getting mentioned together. That’s never going to stop.

I’ve also said it multiple times before, that I do ship them. Though I respect their current relationships and partners, I do not think those relationships are endgame and I think if they wanted to be together one day, they’d make a great power couple. But again, what they do in their personal lives is none of my business and will not affect me and I will support them whatever they choose. I am, however, allowed to have opinions like everybody else and I like to yap which is why I am tumblr to begin with. I always try to express those opinions in the most respectful way possible. If you do not like that I have an opinion like that or you do not like my yapping, you can unfollow me or just scroll if that gets mentioned and I rarely mention it to be fair.

I’ve never said anything that wasn’t positive about Nic. And whether you like it or not, or believe it or not, I love Nic and I have so much respect for her. I also look up to her in many ways and I do not need to prove that to you or anybody else. This is not a competition where you can only like either Luke or Nic and I do not appreciate people coming into my house telling me that if I love Luke, then I cannot love Nic or that I can’t talk about her. I am allowed to love and talk about whoever I want and again, let me repeat, I’ve always had nothing but positive things to say about her.

I have even stopped tagging her in most stuff so you don’t have to endure seeing my posts pop up on your tl. So, if you don’t like that I mention her from time to time just don’t come to my page and if I do tag her in something just keep on scrolling or block me if you have to.

And for the millionth time, I am not opposed to people offering valid criticisms of Luke, because he is not perfect and I never claimed he was. You do not have to agree with every decision neither he nor Nic make. But most of what I’ve been receiving in my inbox is straight up hate or harsh criticism that has absolutely no valid reasoning behind it and that has been expressed in a disrespectful manner, and I will respond in the tone that you send your messages in.

I love them both but yes, this page is mostly dedicated to Luke, and I don’t need to justify why I started that page to anybody. He stole my heart with his talent and authenticity and his good looks and I want to talk about him. And for the final time, that does not take away any of my love for Nic. I do not love her only in association with Luke. I love her for her and I’m a fan of her acting. Have been a fan since the Derry Girls days, long before I ever saw her on Bridgerton and long before I became a fan of Luke. And I do not need to have a dedicated page for her to validate or prove that.❤️

[marvelmaniac715]

Why are you still posting about Good Omens when Neil Gaiman is a sexual predator

My answer’s going to be slightly long, so I just want to preface this with this - Neil Gaiman is an awful, horrible man, and I’m horrified by his actions. I do not support or condone what he’s done, and even before this news broke, I wasn’t a ‘fan’ of Gaiman himself, due to his own works such as Stardust and Coraline directly linking to negative childhood experiences. Please understand that the only time I will ever refer to that man in a post again will be if I tag ‘fuck Neil Gaiman’ because really, fuck him, I get angry even thinking about what he did.

Yes, I do still post about Good Omens, but only because Terry Pratchett was responsible for around 75% of writing the original book, whilst Gaiman was responsible for only 25%, I’m not sure if that’s the exact statistics, but I know that Pratchett did more work for the book than Gaiman, and I like Pratchett because he wrote the book that the first play my childhood drama group did was based on. He’s the only original creator that I still respect.

For more personal reasons - I discovered Good Omens in around 2023, at a time where I was still trying to make friends at school - I met some of my best friends through discovering Good Omens, then I properly discovered Doctor Who through David Tennant, which led me to meet another really close friend and be inspired to write more fanfiction as well as post here on Tumblr. Good Omens has been too important to my life and my development in terms of socialising to just ignore. In fact, for my seventeenth birthday last year, my gifts were mostly Good Omens themed - I received the book, the script book, the tv companion, a pin badge, and stickers from Shein that I refuse to touch because they’re stolen fan art. I’m currently looking at a Good Omens signed poster - another birthday gift - thankfully not bearing the name Gaiman, and this was all before testimonies against him were released, none of us knew.

Also, the people in the Good Omens fandom are so wonderful and talented - the cosplayers, the artists, the fanfic writers, the people who make meta posts theorising about small details, their work is extraordinary and I just want to celebrate them. My Tumblr blog is half my own thoughts, and half me reblogging people who deserve all the praise in the world for their contributions to the internet; this is the show and tell website, and if I love something, I want to reblog it to show the world.

I never meant to hurt or offend anyone, so if there’s anything I can do, like making it clear that I don’t support Neil Gaiman, or putting a trigger warning on any reblogged posts, or even just apologising as profusely as I can, let me know because I’ll do anything to ensure that anyone who comes across my blog is happy (I’ve been a people-pleaser for my whole life, I don’t like upsetting people). I know this has been a bit of a ramble, I just felt that you deserve a proper and honest explanation as an answer to your completely valid question. If you want to unfollow me or block my posts, I’d completely understand, your decision would be completely warranted. Again, I’m sorry for any hurt I’ve caused, and I hope you have a good day/evening.

[bicayaya]

hi!

i’m feeling really awkward as i write this post, but after thinking a lot about what i wanted to do with this account i realized that postponing my decision wasn’t helping at all.

maybe you noticed - or maybe not, and that’s okay too - but i’ve been on a hiatus since early november. at first, i told myself that the reason for this was because i was too busy with the end of the semester and overwhelmed with college work. even though that was true, it wasn’t the real reason. it became clear after my classes ended more than two weeks ago, and i still couldn’t bring myself to open the tumblr app again. the truth is, i was feeling really unhappy here.

i won’t elaborate much, but i realized that over time i stopped seeing this account as a fun place to share my silly thoughts, like i used to when i first started posting, and started taking some things way too seriously, in a way that was harming my mental health as a socially anxious person. and to be honest, the easiest thing to do would have been to just delete this account and pretende it never existed. i’ve considered this option more than once over the past month, but something kept me from doing it. probably because, in the end, there are things - and people - that makes me like it here. so i finally found the solution, and that is going back to seeing this account as i used to do: just a social media where i can share silly things.

for that to work, i’ll change a few things. i’m no longer going to have a masterlist nor a taglist and i’ll stop caring too much about how i’m tagging my posts. this account will no longer be exclusively for the ikemen games, i’ll (probably) post about different things that i like from time to time. i’ll continue posting about my ikemen ocs, probably more often than about the canon stuff. basically, i’ll start treating this account the same way i do with all my personal accounts in other social media.

if these “changes” make my account no longer interesting for you, just unfollow me, no hard feelings. i know some people prefer to follow only fandom-related blogs, and that’s totally fine.

i guess that’s all for now… i hope y’all are okay and having a good day :)

[only-sweet-ones]

Hi sorry if this is random but I think it would be really fun if you shared a little about yourself. Anything you feel comfortable posting. Favorite snack, dream job, a random talent, how you ended up in this fandom. Just curious about the person behind the blog if you are up for it.

What a sweet ask🥹 Thank you!

I am just a regular person that for whatever reason got a little bit of fixation on Nicola, but it is fun and inspiring so all in good faith.

My favorite snack at the moment is mini carrots🥕 , so I am very on brand with this fandom (ikyk)

If you are wondering how I got here, I suppose it was like most of the people here, after season 3.

Everyone around me was excited for Bridgerton s3, so I checked out the trailer. I was hooked, so I watched s1&2 before part one dropped. Then I dove into the press tour (Nicola with Luke, Claudia, Lydia, and Aimee), and that’s when I fell in love with Nicola. I went on to watch Derry Girls and Big Mood.

I was never a shipper—probably because I watched full interviews instead of edits. While Luke and Nicola were affectionate and flirty, for me it was clear they weren’t dating. I wasn’t super deep in the fandom, but I heard about Antonia through TikTok comments, so the pap pics weren’t a big surprise.

But there wasn’t much information about Nicola, and curiosity killed the cat. Somehow, I ended up on Tumblr—the only place that entertained the idea that she wasn’t with Luke and might be with someone else. But there was also a lot of delulu, and honestly, you couldn’t look away. The mix of different opinions, constant speculation, and ever-changing narratives really pulled me in.

I’ve taken plenty of breaks from this fandom, but somehow, I always find myself coming back.

When things started getting more toxic and negative, I decided to start this little blog to be more proactive and focus on posting positive content. But now, I feel like there are a lot more positive stuff in Nicola’s tag, which makes me really happy

Yes, I’m a bit of a yapper—guess that’s my not-so-secret talent!

[thedvilsinthedetails]

goodbye [don’t get worried]

Hi hellsite users, 

sorry for the long post but I wanted to properly say goodbye. Before anyone starts worrying this is a good goodbye not a bad goodbye. 

But still, tumblr meant a lot to me for a period of time where I really wasn’t doing very well, I was crazy burnt out, my self esteem was nonexistent, I felt stuck in stasis and on top of that I was feeling like I had absolutely no one - like no one would care if I even lived or died.

Tumblr helped me feel so much less alone and I will always be thankful for the online world it allowed me to escape into and the amazing people I got to interact with and meet. 

The thing is, I’m doing a lot better now. I mean don’t get me wrong I’m by no means perfect and neither is my life but for the first time in a really, really fucking long time I actually feel like I’m capable of moving on and not being stuck anymore. A lot of things have changed - I don’t know if it’s good or bad but it was definitely necessary either way. 

I’ve got a lot of hope and excitement for the future, I’ve got proper dreams I want to work hard to achieve…in general I feel like I have a reason not to need to escape my life anymore. 

That’s why I think it’s time to stop visiting my little online world - or at least, I’m not going to be coming here as frequently anymore. If you want to talk to me, send me a message and I promise I’ll see it soon enough but I don’t really know if I’ll be posting much anymore. 

I’ll still be writing fics I think because I enjoy it but I’m definitely stepping down from blogging because I need to start being present in my own life. The only exception is that I might post links to my writing on ao3.

I know this sounded really dramatic at first and as you read you probably went - oh that’s kind of not a big deal. That’s because I’ll never not be a dramatic motherfucker <3 but also because this is actually a really big deal to me even if it probably shouldn’t be. 

To my amazing friends and mutuals I’ve met here - I’ll never forget you and I hope you don’t forget me. Please do feel free to DM me or drop stuff in my inbox.

Tagging some of my moots/friends: @sleepinginmygrave, @vivusmortuusexcrucior , @picklerab23, @mxed-salad-greens, @good-oldfashioned-lover, @addsalwayssick, @idk-what-to-put-here-123, @nikholascr0w, @icarus-last-fall

Intro post can be found here

[kiennilove]

ART TAG

thanks to @doshiart for tagging me! so excited <3

How did you start drawing? What year was it that you become more seriously and consciously interested in it?

i don’t really remember, but for some reason drawing was an activity that interested me the most?? i’m not counting playing with toys and imagining things, but it’s about creating something from scratch. one time i made paper dolls, wrote a short scenario (very poorly lol) and kinda made a theatrical play in my head with all of this??

spoiler: in 2021 i’ve made an actual play with my best friend, who’s also an artist, with great paper dolls and a great scenario! it was for a college exam, we got the highest score. :3

i started taking it all seriously in 2014, when i went to my first art school. it was small, literally one room, and there were lots of other classes in the same building, like singing, dancing (i did that too at some point), etc. then i moved to the bigger one, that was solely for arts, but i didn’t make it past the first year due to health reasons. so somewhere in the mid-10s.

When you felt the urge to share your art with other people? When did you start posting your drawings on social media?

when i saw other people around me doing it. it was 2014 when i first shared my art online (got a lot of hate because it looked bad lol), and then it was 2016 when i made my first tumblr acc and posted some anime art with some consistency. now i post here and on another platform, just duplicating the content lol

Your first/earliest drawing. What were your impressions of it back then and what are your feelings now?

i tried to find pictures of these first paper dolls but couldn’t, fuck, so here we have…

some OC i did in 2014, i don’t even remember the name anymore :/

i did this after i watched my first anime 😭😭😭 i made this picture back then too, at my iphone 4, don’t judge me

i was proud as fuck because look he has ✨cool hair✨ and it’s a ✨full body✨ but no hands ofc lol

i mean, it looked great for me back then, so i haven’t change my thoughts about it lol i also have no idea what i wrote in the upper corner, i used google translate 😭😭😭

Your first fanart ever

also couldn’t find it, it was jeff the killer fanart, also somewhere from 2014 😭 but! here i have my first digital fanart… 😭😭😭 i spend i think 6 hours to draw this, i didn’t know about layers or anything really so here it is lol

Your first gallavich fanart

holy shit, it’s from may 2022! old habits never die, 7x10 is always in my heart

When you had bad days and things didn't work out, what inspired you to keep trying?

nothing, actually. if i will try to find any inspiration, i will get angry and irritated as fuck because nothing’s working out SO i’ll relax and go play brawl stars 😎

Show your old piece that you strongly dislike and tell why.

this… spend too much time on it just to realize it wasn’t that good as i imagined, the dress look like it was made out of cardboard, i don’t know, it just… doesn’t work. i had worse, yeah, but i have a soft spot for them. this one should be somewhere from 2018

HONORABLE MENTIONS TO THIS PIECE OF SHIT. IT WAS FUCKING 2019, WHY THE FUCK DID I RANDOMLY START TO DRAW LIKE THIS??? just for comparison, picture underneath is from 2019 TOO.

Show your old piece that you very like and tell why. What's the difference with the previous?

let’s go with this, it was 2017 :3

soft, cute, an attempt to do a new art style. i don’t know, theis pictures seem cozy!

Show your old piece that you were very proud of back then.

ACE ATTORNEYYYY >:333

both are somewhere in 2020-2021

fuck, i love ace attorney

Do you do any practice sketches or warm-ups before you draw something big?

mmm not really, only a quick sketch with some guidelines so at the beginning my pictures look like this

(yes, this is ian filming mickey while mick is giving him a bj)

Sketch vs Final. Show your process.

damn should’ve kept mickey’s face lol

Your most recent drawing.

can’t show the most recent one, it’s for an event, but this one is the only finished one FOR NOW, but i also have this little piece here, idk if i will finish it (aaand i forgot mickey’s tattoos)

Give yourself some praise! Look at what improved in your art!

literally YOU GO GIRL!!! KEEP DRAWING NO MATTER WHAT!! i improved as fuck, went through a lot of shit and breakdowns but here i am, being confident and loved by other people and, most importantly, artist who have a much higher skill! i love that. i did great

Any advice you'd give to your earlier self?

just keep going. don’t be shy and don’t erase everything is one small thing is wrong. don’t start an arguments when somebody says “i’m better at art that you!!”. and, maybe, use a hard drive to save shit-

Set a goal for yourself for the coming year.

i want toooooo… i don’t know! i want to try line-less art style, get into more challenges, etc, everything i can :3 and maybe open commissions

aaand i’m tagging… come on, show us your secrets, don’t be shy 😈

@deathclassic @spookygingerr @gallapiech @heymrspatel

@deedala @burninface @vintagelacerosette

[bunnis-monsters]

hi, just curious. do you mean you've been on tumblr overall for one year, or are you referring to this one blog?

because your side-blogs that you use to reblog and boost all of your own posts here have been around for much longer. i just wanted to clarify as there are people who might be completely new to tumblr and think this is a realistic expectation.

have a nice day!

Yes, and my other tumblrs are available in the ‘Socials’ section of my pinned post! It’s no secret I have other accounts.

I reblog to my other account but let me sit down with you for a second.

My other account has been basically dead for a year now. I do get likes on my monster posts from there, but next to no reblogs or comments(which is how you gain traction on this site). I reblog there purely to show I’m still and alive and because it’s a weird habit to reblog my post the second it’s up. I’ve already explained this though.

In the beginning yes, that account really helped me(I have around 5k there now), but not much now. My usual posts around that time were getting about 200 notes at most, while some would reach higher because I slapped a bunch of anime characters on the bottom of it. So, the occasional 2k-5k post, but mostly under 300.

I’ve had that account for around 3ish years, and it’s taken that long to get 5k followers, most of them are inactive!

It helped in the beginning, but my success has been largely due to how much I am able to post here. I was posting DAILY on this account some point last year, and if not daily, then as frequently as possible.

I absolutely flooded the monster fucker tag, and with my niche of writing for chubby women, I attracted a loyal audience of people like me that were fed up with never being depicted in smut.

My first post on here reached 1k within HOURS, which had never happened on my other account. It may have given me a little boost, but the rest of it was my own doing.

I made this account for a reason. My other account was stuck in a rut. Fics I spent days writing, perfecting, got maybe 200 notes and it sucked! I was tired of that.

Over on my main, I have a fic called ‘Fixer Upper’(Kurapika x Reader) that has 300k words, all written within a year. It’s my passion project, and each chapter was getting to be 5k-10k words long. I’m so proud of that series, it’s something I’ve put a lot of work into.

So it was very disappointing to see how little reaction I got with it. Long fics just don’t do well on tumblr, not at all. It’s been on hiatus with the rare update for a while now, when before I updated every 3-7 days.

All this to say, that account wasn’t doing well so I made another and decided to make way shorter stories, bite sized smut fics with monsters instead of anime characters because it’s more inclusive.

Everyone knows what a monster is, most people don’t know what hxh is!

This account did better in the first week than my other account ever did!

So to sum this up, yes I have another account(I have a few but the other ones have und we 100 followers). When I started posting here, I think I had 4k followers on my main. It helped at first but not anymore because it’s not very active.

My following may have been boosted in the beginning from my other account, but I don’t think it’s fair to say that it is the main reason for my success, considering it took me several years to get to 5k there and only a year to get to 20k here.

Anyways!! That’s it. My other account is @bwabys-scenarios and I rarely post ther anymore, but if you like hxh then go follow.

[sofmoth]

moth lore drop

thank you for the full pressure tag @strang3lov3 i’ll do my best because it’s been a long time and i have a terrible memory

LONG POST AHEAD BEWARE!!!

i first got into the idea of fandom around 2010 after reading every available maximum ride book (my fourth grade teacher read us the first one). after that i picked up TITHE off the $1 dono cart at the library and become fully obsessed with the fae (also beginning my spiritual witchcraft journey).

my first fandom that i was truly active in was … black veil fucking brides. by 2011 i was MEGA into BVB, and i still have the CD my friend burned for me. i got super into the fandom space on facebook and ended up getting my very first tumblr account shortly after at the behest of a dearly beloved friend (i miss u ziggy and i hope you’re well♡)

it’s a little different with MCR because i was first starting to get into them on the tail end of the black parade right before danger days came out, but when danger days came out i was HOOKED. i got super into the emo trinity fandom and i was a little fucking menace.

you want to know my first ship, do you???

FRERARD.

i was sooooo deep into it. fucking frerard. that’s the entire reason i started writing fic actually. i started with frerard and branched out into BVB and the other emo bands that the alleged “emos” i went to school with were afraid of like motionless in white and of mice & men also regrettably including falling in reverse but we don’t fucking talk about that anymore.

i stayed extremely active in various emo bandoms for several years, going on to write some absolutely awful smut on wattpad that i’m sure if you dug hard enough you would find. for a hot fucking minute i was super into doing danger days killjoy RP on instagram and i’m still proud as fuck of my killjoy you can pry her out of my cold dead hands.

around about 2014 i got EXTREMELY invested in homestuck. and i mean INVESTED. i was starting fights online over that shit, drawing up little trollsonas, i was going to WAR for taureans. shockingly, i never wrote homestuck fic, but i did read the hell out of it.

by 2018 i had sort of fallen out of fandom, i wasn’t reading much fic and i hadn’t written anything in about 2 years. fast forward, i drop out of college, blow through a few shitbag exes, and then in february of 2022, i met my husband.

hubbin is SUPER into horror, all of it. i casually enjoyed it, didn’t know much about it, but i had a few movies and characters i really liked. he took me to my first horrorhound weekend in march ‘22, five days after we started officially dating and i’ve only missed one since then.

god i don’t even look like myself in those pictures ANYWAY

you know what else hubbin enjoys? video games. especially horror video games. he got me WILDLY into resident evil, and that’s when i rejoined tumblr with a new name and vibes.

overall 2022 was a really horrible year for me, and i truly don’t think i would have survived it without all of the support and friendships i had already begun to form at that point. MOVING ON

i very very quickly got into the leon kennedy/resi fandom after finding such wonderful fic writers as @lipglossanon, @venomvalley, and of course mi amor @tulipsbymybed♡

i’m not sure exactly what the progression was, but after a while i ended up in the pedro fandom after finding a few truly wonderful fic authors who have since left this site and some even the fandom entirely. i will miss them literally forever.

i started engaging more and more with pedro fandom content (esp TLOU), and found even more wonderful authors like @toxicanonymity and @strang3lov3, both of whom i am so glad that i now have the privilege of calling my friends♡

hubbin and i got married on october 13th, 2023 (a friday the 13th in october like i’ve always wanted♡) at a fucking PUMPKIN PATCH COULD THAT BE ANY MORE PERFECT

sometime in 2024 after i went and saw the strangers chapter 1 with hubbin, tox and i got to talking about sackhead. you’ll never believe this, but my first completed fic in EIGHT YEARS was not only about sackhead, but it was also x reader, AND smut!!! i didn’t think i could do it. but god dammit i did it.

i was still more into the resi fandom than the pedro fandom at that point, so a few folks will know i have a couple of leon fics in the works that i am beginning to fear may never see the sunlight. but who knows maybe one day you too can fuck leon kennedy.

when i started writing for TLOU i was actually way more into tommy than joel, and if i’m being honest i think i might still be. that’s when i wrote good men die too, followed by do you think of me, too? and i promise i’m working on more for that series i just got hit in the writer’s balls with a baseball bat and lost inspo.

but now here we sit, in 2025, and i am actively writing a joel series. please check it out if you haven’t already, it’s called ritual and i should have a masterlist up soon. you can find it and me on AO3, @sofmoth. shameless plug.

YEAH I THINK THAT’S IT THAT’S MY LORE

i’ve absolutely forgotten so many things. just now i just remembered how deep i was into fucking gravity falls in high school, and i actually did read and write fic for that. anyway, i hope you enjoy this weird little window my life.

[nurgletwh]

Hey all! You’re about to see why this got so delayed when Tumblr ate my post. >.<

Remember how I’ve previously stated “I disappeared because I had issues, but no worries!”?

Yeah.

Not so much this time. Which has only sunk in with retrospect and time. (@grumpyoldsnake is gonna be “I told you so!!!)

It still doesn’t really feel that way, because the human mind is stupendous at deemphasizing how much danger you might really be in/were in.

Some of this might be covering ground I’ve already covered here or elsewhere. However, I think having it all in one place and all sequenced together will not only help me keep things straight but give it all perspective.

With that out of the way, let’s see if I can not only keep this all the fuck straight but remember what ground I need to cover. I’m putting the rest under a cut for a couple of reasons. It’s long, and it may be triggering for some people. Please let me know if I’ve missed a tag I should have added.

October 2023

I went back to the Dr. to get my medications adjusted, as my blood sugar had gone back up. (Side note: I hadn’t been properly and regularly testing my blood sugar. I was exhausted and sleeping what felt like all the time with no energy to do much of anything at all.) For whatever reason, my blood pressure comes back rather shockingly high (164/108!!), not in line with what it’s been at all. I comment that I’ve never seen it that high, and the nurse says to have the doctor check it after I’ve been there a while.

It doesn’t happen because I’m forgetful.

My cholesterol also comes back high, but that’s been creeping up for years, so no shocker there.

Diabetes medications are adjusted, one is added for the cholesterol. By the time I get home, there’s another one for my blood pressure. I shrug and add it to my pile, since my blood pressure had never come down as far as I thought it should in the first place.

November 2023

Back for a follow-up appointment. My sugar levels haven’t changed all that much, and my blood pressure still comes back as pretty damn high, and I make a mental note to test it at home more regularly, because it doesn’t seem right.

Warning: diet talk.

———

We talk about stuff and whatnot, and decide to try Ozempic (as its original purpose was for diabetes) as the next step to get my blood sugar down.

I was aggravated as he goes on about things like how I’ll feel better for losing some weight, and I half-assed express a few concerns because I have disorganized eating habits. I already don’t eat consistently, and I firmly believe my current weight “problems” are due to my disorganized eating patterns (as well as picky eating and just not really wanting to eat in general) in my youth leaving me borderline malnourished. Most of my teen years were spent trying to get me to gain weight. FYI: being significantly underweight for a long time is a great way to have issues with being overweight later.

I go home with a prescription for Ozempic. Fine and dandy, although I’ve been getting the impression he doesn’t really listen all the time.

———

December 2023

Christmas happens, travel happens, fun happens.

January 2024

Cute cat pic, just because. :-)

Next appointment. My blood pressure still reads significantly higher than normal (156/92), and higher than it has been at home, but what with travel and all, I haven’t really been testing it to back up that assertion. The doctor tests it and gets approximately the same result.

I get another prescription for an additional blood pressure medication.

(Can you guess where this one is going?)

I woke up a few days later with a massive headache that wouldn’t go away. I didn’t connect this at the time, but based on what happened next, I think it was.

The day after that I felt a bit dizzy. When I wasn’t feeling much better by lunch, I took my blood pressure and got 94/68. I took it again and got about the same thing, so I had my coworker (who is also a volunteer EMT) test it. He got 100/54. I continued to check it throughout the day, but it wouldn’t stay consistent. I bugged out of work early, finally sending a… well, grouchy message to the doctor (after hours, unfortunately) firmly expressing my frustration that I wasn’t believed when I stated my at-home readings, pointing out I am also an EMT.

My reading was 96/74 when I went to bed.

I felt even shittier the next day. BP was 94/62 that morning; I stayed home from work. The doctor responded to my message when the office opened, discontinuing the most recently added BP med, sanctioning the choice I’d already made. :-P

Unfortunately, my BP continued to plummet throughout the afternoon and evening. I sent a message that evening and asked what to do, continuing my pattern of sending messages after the office closed. 🙄

I took my blood pressure using my automated cuff before going to bed. It errored out twice before I got this:

Lovely, eh?

(The systolic generally reads 8-10 low, but the diastolic is generally bang on.)

I took it manually; 80/54. I send a follow-up message with those readings.

I felt awful the next morning. The act of sitting up made me dizzy. I stumbled out to the living room and called in to work again; I was in no condition to drive. My heart rate was elevated to around 100-110 (it normally runs fast, about 80-90 in the morning).

By late morning, the automatic cuff wouldn’t do anything but error out. I sent another message asking at what point I should go to the ER. I didn’t get a response from the doctor, but did from one of the nurses, who told me that anything under 90 systolic with symptoms qualified.

What. The. FUCK.

I basically decided that if it got worse, I’d go in. I told a friend to check in with me regularly and stayed in my recliner, drinking water and Gatorade to at least get fluid in.

The lowest reading I got on my manual cuff was 78/52. FYI: I should have been in the hospital the day before. This is “almost died” moment number 1. I was a fucking idiot. Denial is deadly.

——

I think this needs split up; I’m gonna post this now and keep writing, because I’m going to hit some sort of character limit sooner or later. O.o

[anarchistartistvt]

honestly I think it’s pretty fucked up how much shit I got over my post.

“hey wait a second these Reddit discussions might be onto something-“ “YOU PEDO DEFENDER DELETE THE POST KILL YOURSELF GRAHHHHHH”

The shitty part is that I didn’t even actively seek out this info. my now ex was posting the Reddit shit in a discord server I owned, and I was like “wait whoa they might be onto something here”. Given it was already on Reddit I figured more people knew but god damn it was like I opened Pandora’s box.

Won’t say I didn’t fuck things up for myself and my friends. Someone tried to doxx my friend daenumao (unsuccessfully thank fuckin god), and I was too stubborn to delete the posts the minute things blew out of proportion. I thought I could handle it. I had gone through shit similar to this before, what with StickyBM trying to accuse me of a parasocial freak and Jordy claiming I doxxed them(only to find out it was their discord tag that got leaked). I thought I was doing the right thing. I knew how detrimentally destructive allegations could be, fake or not.

I sort of named my ex in there because I didn’t want to claim credit for what I had found. It wasn’t to throw her under the bus, and as soon as she asked me to delete the credit part, I did.

In a friend server I was in, I was being pinged about the situation nonstop. People were telling me to delete it, and it just felt like silencing me. I was getting harassed left and right. Someone started threatening me on tumblr(a platform I rarely used until now), people started bringing up fake or already resolved shit about me(had to clear that up on a fuckin Reddit thread), and basically everything started crumbling and falling apart.

Finally one of my friends pinged me and was like “delete the posts or I’m blocking you, don’t make me do this”. I had already set dms to friends only by that point, after hearing daenumao was being threatened. I got angry, unfriended her, and left the server. Shortly after, a couple friends sent messages saying they were cutting ties and to never contact them again. Then my girlfriend messaged me saying she was leaving me.

Right now I’m sort of trapped on what I can say without breaking boundaries of anyone. I never meant to invalidate the victims. At the time, my only intention was to raise awareness of “hey this is kinda inconclusive, you might wanna take a look at this”. I didn’t think it would blow up to the point I would get death threats and death wishes.

In a court of law, both sides are to share their experiences. The experience really just told me that the justice system of twitter is fucked beyond comprehension. The victims were quick to attack anyone who doubted their claims, and had no problem siccing their supporters onto anyone who didn’t fall in line. It honestly felt like I was being told, “SUPPORT THE VICTIMS OR DIE”. People are allowed to have doubts, and while I can understand where the victims were coming from, they didn’t care to show much proof denying some claims. One of the alleged victims even said “so many big names are supporting me so I’m right.” Bro what?

When I attempted suicide, it was for a lot of reasons. I have bad anxiety and getting attacked the way I was back there sent everything into overdrive. Not to mention losing about 95% of my friends over this crap. I was only on twitter mainly because I had friends there and would chat with them regularly. I don’t have many friends in real life and I’ve always been kind of a loner. So to see my support system fall apart over this, especially because I have HORRIBLE abandonment issues, fucked with my head.

I’m not happy as a person. I’ve been depressed for years and I’m not proud of it. I’ve been through more fucked up shit in my life than I can even begin to process. Growing up in a broken family, being treated like shit by my stepmother and put through so much abuse, flunking out of high school and falling through the cracks, running away at 19 and immediately being raped and molested by someone I saw like an older brother, being sexually and emotionally abused by an ex who blamed me for being raped, moving out of my aunts house only to be institutionalized from a suicide attempt 4 months later, being in the homeless system, being treated like shit by the government programs, being doxxed and swatted and harassed and had deepfakes made of me, possibly having a condition that means I’m likely to be dead from suicide by the age of 34, etc. Like, I’ve genuinely been through hell and back and a lot of people know it. Maybe more people than I should be telling.

I tend to over share, I vent too much, I go into slumps quickly, and overall I’m a fucking mess mentally. I had gone into a bad psychotic breakdown last week due to trauma and a bad reaction to new meds, so my mental state wasn’t exactly the best when this shit even started. By this point I was already having a sinking feeling that my girlfriend was planning on leaving me, and then a few days later she hit her breaking point.

When I typed up that final post, I genuinely didn’t know if I wanted to keep living. Hearing someone I was close to saying “you better stay alive because you deserve to live with what you did” was horrifying.

I’m a coward, without a doubt. I wanted out. But not from just this. I wanted out from everything. The few people who I was close to, or even people who had tolerated me to an extent, had basically told me to go fuck myself. It quite literally felt like I had lost everything.

I got ahold of some Tylenol and started filling up the bathtub. I had planned to overdose in the tub, hoping that if I went into a seizure from the medication, being submerged in water would limit the chances of me pulling out of said seizure. I’ve only attempted a few times in my life, so you can’t bash me too hard for not knowing how to do it.

As I started undressing, my iPad started ringing with a FaceTime audio call. It was my dad.

Somehow the situation found its way to him and he reached out to check on me. I don’t know if one of my friends contacted him, if he was already monitoring my accounts, or if it had just blown up that badly that even he(someone who doesn’t use twitter or own an account) had seen it. I tried to sound normal because it’s pretty rare for him to call me, but when he started bringing up what he saw, I broke down sobbing.

I explained everything to him, that I just wanted to help, and that I thought I was doing the right thing, and he told me to limit my social media exposure, because of how unhealthy it was becoming for me. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone with my actions. I worded things wrong and handled it badly, and I will wholeheartedly apologize for that. He explained to me that it was good that I wanted to do the right thing, but it wasn’t good to screw over my own mental health over this shit. He advised me to limit my social media usage to only those I could trust.(scary thing is, I didn’t know who all I COULD trust)While on call, I tried to deactivate my account but couldn’t because I forgot my fuckin password. All I could do is private my account and go dormant.

A few people reached out in Twitter dms and I spoke with many of them. They were extremely kind and supportive, and redirected me to the Mandela Catalogue Reddit forum, where I was welcomed in. I’ve been staying there, as well as occasionally posting on Tumblr. I’m scared to even touch my Twitter account with a 10 ft pole, and discord interactions have been next to none. I considered rebranding but I didn’t want to feel like I was trying to sneak my way out of accountability. I was just threatened and bashed so fuckin much that I didn’t feel safe interacting as myself, Anarchist Artist.

A bunch of people were screaming at me for linking Reddit threads and saying “YOU CANT TRUST REDDIT ITS FULL OF LIES” you’re literally using twitter which is probably WORSE when it comes to misinformation.

I never intended to fall down this rabbit hole of who’s right or who’s wrong. I will apologize for how I handled things and how I worded my post, but I will not apologize for speaking up about a story full of holes. For the victims to bully someone into submission is not mature or appropriate, and they should be held accountable as such. I have no intention of clearing my name, I have no intention to regain my friends or close ones, and I have no intention of saying “HA HA I TOLD YOU SO”. I just want shit to go back to even a slight semblance of normalcy.

Even if the victims’ stories are truthful to an extent, they way they have approached all of this is horrible and I’m upset that they endorsed harassing anyone who didn’t fall in line.

I’ll be here for now, but won’t post much. Everything is still a mess and I’m still concerned for my safety.