#only posts this here because i wanna depression into the wind and have so few active fellas on here so it feels okay lmao

[tacou]

damn not to depression blog on my long inactive tumblr but like... yall ever be reminded of the miniscule impact you've had on others bc it’s once again your birthday and the only fellas who have contacted you are like...fb posts on your timeline from extended family haha

[absolutelyfizzing]

angels and demons

warren worthington x reader fluff

@shuckfaced-fangirl Hi! can I request a warren worthington x female mutant reader where her powers are shadow summoning? So I guess everyone in the school kind of views her as some sort of demon? With a lot of fluff? Thank you!!

Description - Y/N is a shadow summoner and is isolated from her peers. Warren helps her see that not everyone fears her and that she is worthy of affection.

warnings - its so fluffy. fem pronouns. some angsty stuff (isolation, depression, sadness), one innuendo, devastating fluff, warren being an angel. i tried to make it POC inclusive, please let me know if it feels restricting or excluding and i will edit it.

word count - 3700, i got carried away

A/N - im so sorry this took so long, i took a break from writing while i am working on moving to college. i will still be spotty for the next few weeks but hopefully, i will post a few more things in that time and then get back on a normal schedule. also, thanks so much for this request, i had a lot of fun writing it and i hope it is something you enjoy reading!

MASTERLIST

You walked through the halls with a lowered head. You knew that you made others uncomfortable and so you chose to try to make yourself as small and unthreatening as possible. You had been 'gifted' powers with which you could manipulate and create darkness. You were a shadow summoner. That wasn't a name that many found reassuring or comforting.

There were a few who could see past it and who was close to being what you might call friends but those people were few and far between. There were overwhelmingly more people who believed that you must have been a scary and mean person, that you were some sort of demon. This couldn't have been further from the truth if one were to look past appearances. Your shadow was larger and darker than that of your peers and it trailed behind you with a mind of its own, moving and growing without you even meaning for it to happen. Your hands were constantly covered in something darker and dustier than the rest of your skin, a deep and pure black. It trailed from the tips of your fingers and faded on your forearm so it looked as though you had just dipped your arms into a chimney or that shadows were crawling up your arms.

When you first got them, you thought they were sort of cool. They made you look sort of goth and that was fun. That feeling quickly faded when you saw how others, even your family, reacted. They said it was a curse from hell. You were barely convinced otherwise.

You sat away from others at the school during free periods. During lunch you sat alone and in the sun when you could, you hoped it might make others be less scared of you as it might make you look brighter but your shadow, dark and ominous, maintained a spot near you. You wore clothes that made you look more approachable to try to maintain that you weren't scary. Your brightly colored outfit didn't ever seem to work though, no matter how hard you tried.

You looked down at the food in your hands, the sandwich only half-eaten, and you noted your hands. They were so normal looking, your nails were well kept and you thought they were a good size. That they might even be a good size for someone to hold. The only thing was the unnaturally colored dust that seemed to cover them. It was a cool black, it glistened and sparkled in the sun when your fingers moved. It never moved or transferred to anything else, always stuck securely to your skin. You were distracted by the way your fingers seemed to shine when a shadow came near yours, wings outlined in it. You looked up to see a tall blond boy above you with curly hair and bags under his eyes. He nodded to a spot on the grass near you.

"Do you mind if I sit here?"

You shook your head and even scooted away from the spot to give him more space despite the fact that you were in a large field.

"Do you want me to move?" You asked gently, wondering if maybe he wanted this particular spot and you took it from him unknowingly.

"I mean, I think that would sort of take away the whole point of me trying to sit with you." He smirked and you felt blood rush to your cheeks. "I like your hands" He hummed and you looked at him in shock. When his eyes met yours you tilted your head a bit.

"They don't bother you?" You tried to speak softly.

"No, I think they're awesome. They make you look punk." He smiled and you felt the corners of your mouth tug up a bit too.

"I like your wings." You almost mumbled as you allowed your gaze to move to the large feathery wings behind him. They moved in the wind and you found yourself wanting to run your fingers through them. "They make you look like an angel." You smiled and he groaned dramatically.

"I'm trying to look grunge." He pouted and you giggled a bit. At the sound, he looked up at you and blushed a bit. "Maybe we should trade."

"If I could trade you I would. Everyone is scared of how I look." You gazed back at the grass.

"I'm not." His simple statement made butterflies erupt in your stomach and you smiled a bit. You looked back at him and made eye contact for a moment.

"What's your name?" You asked and he maintained his gaze into your eyes. It was the most contact or conversation with someone else you'd had in a long time.

"I'm Warren." He smiled a bit and stuck a hand out to you to shake. You looked at his hand in shock. Nobody ever voluntarily touched your hands. Most of them worried that whatever was on them would spread. You hesitantly brought your hand to his, purposefully giving him plenty of time to remove his hand if he felt uncomfortable. But he didn't. Instead, your hand reached his and he shook it before letting go as if it was no big deal.

"I'm Y/N." You smiled a bit more and you felt a giggle come out of you from the joy of realizing this wasn't a dream, that someone was trying to talk to you and they weren't afraid.

"Is my name that funny?" He teased.

"No, I just-" you paused to think, "it's been so long since anyone has done this with me."

"Talked to you?" He questioned, obviously expecting you to say no and explain what you meant. Instead, you just nodded and his heart clenched for a moment. "Well, you can stick with me then."

"I don't know if you want your reputation to take a hit like that."

"My reputation is 'the angry and damaged kid', I'm sure it can handle the breaking news of me talking to a nice and pretty girl." He reassured before he even realized what he was saying. You could have cried at the feeling that rose up in your chest.

After that day, you stuck to his side like glue and he took no issue with it. The more you got to know him the more you appreciated the fact that he had taken you in. With his help, over the coming months, he helped you develop a stable friend group. That group included people like Ororo and Jane who had heard rumors about you and never bothered to check and see if they were real. They apologized profusely, especially Jean as she felt like she could have easily found out that you were kinder than she thought with her abilities but just had never done so, and you gladly accepted, just happy to be within a group.

You and Warren had developed a reputation. He was overly protective and gruff while you were overly nice and empathetic. You balanced each other well and if you were honest, you were in love with him. That always felt weird to say, you'd never been in love with anyone before but every second you spent with him made you more and more sure of your feelings.  

When you and Warren were together, you would daydream about what it would be like to be in a relationship with him. Being held by him and wrapped in his wings. Getting to play with his unkempt hair. Holding his hand.

Sometimes he would try to encourage you to hold his hand. He would hold it out to you when he was helping you jump down from somewhere high. He would ask you to hand him things and then make decisive contact as he took it from you. He knew that it meant a lot to you, you practically gasped and blushed every time he did it. He had never met anyone so touch starved. He wanted to give you all the affection that you craved.

Unfortunately, Warren was rather oblivious, especially towards things like feelings and emotions. He had no clue that you had any interest in him, even though he hoped you did every day. If he wasn't so attached to your friendship, he might ask you out. Instead, he tried to maintain a friendly distance so he didn't cross any lines while also being as affectionate with you as he could be. You followed a similar path.

The person caught in the middle of this was poor Jean Gray. she had watched you pine over each other since you met and had heard every thought that went through both of your heads. She knew you would never complain or ask for help about anything so she liked to keep tabs on your thoughts every once in a while to make sure you were okay. Still, she tried her best to not listen very often or when you were thinking about anything very personal, she honestly did. But she was a romantic. All she wanted was for you two idiots to get together but you were both oblivious. She decided, probably 3 months into you becoming friends, that she had to do something about it.

She was sitting on your bed while you sat across your bedroom on your small couch. She fiddled with her thumbs while she tried to ignore your constant thoughts about Warren, his hands, his wings, his smile. She was exhausted. she took a small breath while she planned how she would try to say this to you.

"Do you want to know what I heard today?" She called and you looked up at her from the book you were pretending to read.

"Do you mean heard or 'heard'?" You laughed and she rolled her eyes.

"Either." Then she tilted her head. "Both."

"Yeah, I wanna know! What's it about?" You asked while leaning forward in your seat. Jean always had the best gossip to tell because she could literally hear it.

"Warren." She stated simply and watched your reaction. You flushed and stopped breathing for a moment.

"Wha-" you stuttered, "what about him?"

"That he has a thing for you." she winked and you flushed even more.

"You're lying." You assured, a questioning look on your face.

"I'm not and I'm tired of watching you two longing after one another while the rest of the school watches." She smiled and your heart picked up.

"I thought I told you not to look in my head!" You scolded but you weren't actually all that upset. You knew that it was very hard for her to control.

"I cant help it! Both of you think so loud. And I wouldn't have to anyway, Ororo mentioned it to me the other day and she definitely cants read minds." She giggled and you smiled a bit.

"Does he actually like me?" You almost whispered in disbelief.

"Yes! He's been obsessed with you since you started talking."

"But like he would want to actually go-"

"Y/N, I swear to god. If you don't go and talk to him right now I'm going to have a fit." She laughed and you glared at her.

"Okay okay fine, I'm going," you grumbled as you stood and walked toward your door. "If you are wrong I'm gonna be so upset with you."

She just laughed again and you started to walk down the hallway. You thought he might be in his room or outside. You decided to check his room first.

You knocked on his door but you were met with silence. You tried the handle and it moved.

"Warren?" you paused, "I'm coming in," you warned and pushed the door open. When you looked inside, he wasn't there. You took a moment to gaze around his room, it wasn't the first time you had been in there but every time was a bit exciting as you got to see all of the things he had that represented him. He had a boombox and a CD collection on his dresser. Some of his clothes were thrown around his room haphazardly and some of his drawers were open. You looked at the wall next to you where he kept photos that you took. You would carry around a camera or take pictures on your phone of everyone around campus. He always asked for them and then printed them out so he could hang them up. He had even managed to get a couple of you. You smiled a bit before heading back into the hallway, closing the door behind you.

You instead moved towards the door to get out onto the lawn where you thought he would probably be. He often sat under the big oak trees or on the roof if he wanted to get away from people. When you made it outside, you looked around for him.

"Y/N!" you heard him shout. You turned to look for him and saw his silhouette flying from the roof. You paused to admire him and his wings. He always looked so angelic to you. So powerful. You thought about how your power emanated darkness. That you would never appear angelic to someone and would more likely look like a demon. You looked down at your hands for a second, a habit you had when you were thinking about your powers. They sparkled a bit in the sun but it did little to quell the distaste in your mouth.

Suddenly there was a shadow in front of you that was not part of the darkness that surrounded you.

"Y/N?" he asked gently. "Are you okay?" he tried not to startle you. Being empathetic wasn't something that came naturally to him, but he tried extra hard around you. he noticed the way you were staring at your hands. The growth of your shadow as you thought about your powers more. He moved to touch one of your hands but you flinched back a bit. He brought his hand back and looked at you with concern. "Whats wrong, angel?" He asked lightly and you looked up at the pet name. He had started calling you that soon after you became friends. You thought it was out of irony but he really was convinced that you were some sort of angel. He also loved the way that your eyes would light up when he said it. You stared at him for a moment in silence.

"Do I scare you?" You asked quietly and your voice shook. He looked surprised by your question and you were surprised too. You didn't know why you were suddenly getting emotional. Why this was now all you could think about. Why it had to come up now when you were trying to express your feelings for him. Instead of responding he reached out to your hand, holding onto it when you let him, despite flinching away slightly. He started to walk, leading you toward the same tree you had met under. Once you both reached it he sat down and looked up at you, waiting for you to sit down too. You did, maybe a bit farther away from him than you needed to be.

"Do you think you scare me?" he asked genuinely and you took a second to think, looking back down at your hands which were now pulled back into your lap.

"I scare me," you stated simply and paused.

"That's not what I asked."

"I don't know." You mumbled. "I think I freak everyone out. Including you I guess." Your voice was quieter than you meant it to be. you really hadn't thought about it in a little while. It had been on your mind plenty when you first started talking to him. You were extra conscious of not pushing him to be around you or near your shadow. You knew that he would move away if he needed to but you also had so many memories of everyone around you fearing you, running from you, telling you that you were a curse. Instead of responding he held his hand out in between the two of you, palm up. You knew that he was inviting you to take it but that he wouldn't push you to. Instead of taking it, you placed your hand near his on the ground and he left his next to yours, not trying to take it if you didn't want him to.

"You don't." He let out, sounding sure of himself and slightly pained. "You don't scare me." You looked at each other. He had tears in his eyes. He was never one to get emotional so you were surprised. "Do I scare you?" he questioned, already knowing your answer but trying to prove a point.

"Of course not." You sighed.

"You have a lot more reason to be afraid of me than I have to be afraid of you." he looked at your hand again. "I'm the one who has a rough history, I'm the one who is angry and has a reputation of being aggressive."

"But, Warren, your mutation is-"

"Mutation has nothing to do with it, Y/N." he sighed. "You have control over your abilities, I have control over mine. The only difference between us is our personalities and I have never had any reason to fear you or dislike you. You're the kindest person I know and everyone in your life who has let you think that there was something wrong with you was terrible. And that was on them."

Your hand reached for his and you laced your fingers together. He squeezed your hand and ran his thumb over the back of it.

"I love you." The words came out of your mouth faster than you could think and you sucked in a breath, almost hoping he didn't hear you. When you glanced up at him he had a gentle smile on his face. He brought the back of your hand up to his face and kissed it before placing it against his cheek.

"I love you too, Y/N" He reached out for your waist and pulled you toward his lap, giving you plenty of time to give him a sign that you were uncomfortable. Instead, you put your leg over his waist so you were straddling his thighs. You held one of his hands in between you and fiddled with his fingers, admiring how your hands contrasted with his. Somehow, him holding your hand made it seem less out of place. You almost felt pride.

You were suddenly surrounded by warmth and shadow, the sounds of the quad around you becoming muted. You looked up around you and his wings were wrapped around the two of you, closing you off into your own little world. You felt the urge to reach out to them but you had never asked. You had never seen him let anyone touch them and you didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

"Go ahead." your eyes snapped to his in shock.

"Warren, you never let any-"

"I want you to," he admitted and it was true. He had thought many times about asking you to run your fingers through his wings. He would never complain about it but they were a little high maintenance and also sensitive. He never let anyone touch them because most people weren't gentle or he didn't trust them. He knew though that you were the gentlest person on Earth and that he could count on you to be careful.

At his reassurance, you smiled a bit. You reached a hand out to the part of his wing next to his shoulder. You both gasped a bit when your fingers made contact. Warren was a bit surprised at how sensitive they were to your touch and it had been a long time since anyone but himself had touched them. You were entranced by how soft they were. The feathers were delicate and there were so many. You were very careful in how you moved your hand along his wing, looking at him often to see if he was uncomfortable. As you were carding your fingers through his feathers, one came out. You gasped slightly horrified that you had hurt him.

"Hey, it's okay!" he rushed out as he saw your panic. "They just sort of... shed sometimes." He almost seemed embarrassed. Feathers would come off occasionally and he would often have to brush through them himself to release all of the loose feathers, sort of like brushing your hair. He reached to pick up the feather and held it in front of you for you to take. You gladly did and you twirled it in your fingers. "Maybe sometime, if you wouldn't mind, of course, you could help me brush through them?" he asked quietly and you smiled.

"Yeah of course. They seem like they might be a lot of work." you were touched that he trusted you to do that and you thought about how hard it must be to take care of them by himself when they were so big and most of his wings were behind him.

"You should see what it's like to shower with them," he grumbled and then his eyes widened at what he had said. He hadn't meant it to be an innuendo but now he was worried he offended you. Instead, he looked into your eyes and you fell into a fit of giggles.

"I might have to take you up on that offer." Your gentle gaze made him blush. He had never felt this comfortable with anyone. This safe. He decided right then that he would do anything you ever asked of him.

After that day, you and Warren became the cutest couple at the school. You were opposites in multiple ways and your relationship was more wholesome than any of your friends could handle. You got more confident in yourself and your abilities and he allowed himself to be more vulnerable. everyone agreed that you were a match made in heaven.

[starrybouquet]

On Seasons 9 and 10 of Stargate SG1

A note: I wrote a series of essays several weeks ago, when I was feeling particularly crappy. I'm not particularly proud of them--they're pretty dramatic--but they do explain several of my more personal fandom feelings. I know I don't always tend to be the best at explaining things on the spot, so I'm posting these with the hope that I can refer people to them the next time that happens.

Um, I mentioned they're a little dramatic. I'm really, really sorry about that. But hey, if I can't be dramatic on Tumblr, in fandom, where else is that gonna go?

But still - if you're feeling a little sensitive today, maybe you wanna skip this. Or not. Just a light warning. :)

This piece is on seasons 9 and 10 of Stargate SG1, but they aren't all Stargate-related. I'll be posting them in the next few days, hopefully.

To those of you who like s9-10: I have nothing against you. Some of you I know better, some less well. In general, though, I like you, you seem like fine people. This is not about you, I hold nothing against you for liking those seasons. In fact, I envy you. This is more a personal post about why I'm an idiot. If you want, feel free to scroll down past this. I won't be offended. I'd put it under the cut but I'm on mobile.

Okay. Why, hello, those of you willing to read this rant...

No matter how much I denounce and ignore it, I cannot get past the pain of seasons 9 and 10 of Stargate SG-1. I've never watched them in full. Seen a few episodes here and there.

I cannot, repeat, CANNOT stand the thought today. It hurts.

It's an old pain, and it's not just SG1. SG1 is just one of the highlights in a long line of books and shows that have repeatedly broken my heart by being SO GOOD and then taking an, uh, precipitous right turn, shall we say. Because a hard right seems too kind, and a precipitous drop too harsh.

I love SG1. I love love love it. I like the plots and I love the science, but what I really fell in love with was the characters.

I loved all of them. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: if Sam, Daniel, or Teal'c had been on any other show, I guarantee you they would have been my favorite by far. Jack is just so...Jack that he has to be my favorite. That's SG1 for you.

I've never had super close friends. I have good RL friends, don't get me wrong. They're nice people. But we don't have much in common.

That's okay. That's been my experience forever--really nice folks who maybe didn't always get me or have anything to say to me, but were good, decent people.

And this is good. Really, it is. It's just that SG-1, for me, has always represented the promise that there *are* people out there that are your true friends, and you will do brave and brilliant things with them. It will happen.

It's naive, I know. But I haven't been able to let it go. Maybe someday. But not right now.

Which brings me to s9-10 of SG1. It hurts.

It hurts that SG1 scattered to the wind.

It hurts that they sent Jack away from a place where he was happy, where he'd found friends and meaning in life again, away to fucking DC. To be...what? A politician? I could write a whole post just about this. Actually, I have. I could still write more posts about it!

It hurts that Sam went to Area 51, and nobody seemed to mind, the 'Gate didn't spontaneously combust as we were always led to believe it would.

It hurts that Daniel's personality supposedly changed that much, in the absence of his friends. Though some of his lines are funny, they aren't the earnest, idealistic, thoughtful Daniel I fell in love with. I get the idea that new-look Daniel would roll his eyes at s3-8 Daniel, and beat up floppy hair Daniel. And floppy hair Daniel is my baby and anyone who doesn't appreciate his brilliance can face my wrath. That includes you, buff s9-10 Daniel, and also whoever decided/approved that change in characterization.

Really, the only one who doesn't hurt is Teal'c. Because it feels like he's moving forward, toward happiness.

So...here we are. Season 9. Mitchell, Landry.

I often say I hate Mitchell. Do I resent him for replacing Jack? Yes. I do. We can talk about plot reasons and all that, but at the end of the day, I was going to hate anyone who tried to be Jack.

This is true in real life, too. You can't try to be anyone else. You've gotta walk your own path.

Now, people say that I didn't give Mitchell a chance. I say that the way he was portrayed, in the few episodes I've seen, tells me enough.

I can think of lots of ways Mitchell could have been interesting. How would Daniel and Teal'c react to an old, actually bad tempered (not Jack bad tempered, actually bad tempered) hardass after eight years of their best friends leading them? Or--start with his actual character. Mitchell, he hasn't been at the SGC. Wouldn't he get some flack from the longtime team leaders of SGs 2-5ish? They'd be insulted, right?

Or we could've gotten a nice Daniel Teal'c episode arc and then we could've had one Samantha Carter as team leader, though we won't get into that.

Bringing me to my next point. Co-leads?? Seriously?? You're trying too hard, folks. Telling me Sam used to know Mitchell does not actually make me like him.

Same thing with Landry. Unlike Mitchell, I guess I don't really have an opinion on Landry. He's just....there? No character development for this man.

Anyway, back to the team.

One of the things I love about SG1 is how the humor and friendship was so damn natural. Other than a few episodes (Urgo comes to mind), the plots weren't intentionally humorous. They were campy sci-fi plots sometimes, sure. They were funny because Jack was funny, yeah. They were lower budget than some other sci-fi. But they were as serious as sci-fi gets. It was how the characters reacted that made it funny.

Similarly, we were never told SG1 were found family. We just Knew. Because of the way they acted with each other. Because of the way Jack would "order" them to do things.

And hey, by the way, they weren't always family. Sam used to be less willing to ignore Jack. Daniel used to be less willing to trust Teal'c. Jack used to be a little more stern.

So...they meshed together. Like all found families do.

Every time I see a photo of new-look SG1 in seasons 9 and 10, I can't help but feel that they're trying too hard. I don't get the family feel because they aren't a family, damn it. It doesn't matter how many times you *tell* me they're super close. One of the reasons the original team got so close is because they all needed each other. Jack was depressed, Daniel was grieving, Sam was alone and had lost her mom and wasn't speaking with her dad and had never opened up to anyone in her life, Teal'c was an alien fighting for freedom after spending 100 years essentially as a slave.

And partly because of that, by season 9? Daniel and Teal'c (and Sam, when she comes back) don't need a family the way they used to. They have each other. They have Jack, or at least they *should*. *Glares in angry at Jack in DC vibes*

So...they simply don't have the relationship with Mitchell they do with each other.

It'd be different if Mitchell needed a family. It's not that SG1 hasn't added people before--I think Jonas is a perfect example of this. He wasn't Daniel, and that always hurt. But he was young, and naive, and innocent, and he needed SG1 because he'd left everything he'd ever known.

And that worked.

Without needing family, Mitchell is just a coworker. He can be a friendly coworker. A friend. But if he wanted to become better friends, family, he needed to show depth and vulnerability. He needed to need SG1.

And he never does, from what I've seen and heard about and read about. Or if he does need SG1, he doesn't need them badly enough to show more than an occasional bout of thoughtfulness before returning to his normal pale-Jack-imitation ways.

Now, I don't know why that is. I lean toward bad writing. I haven't watched Farscape (it's on my to watch list) but it seems like Ben Browder is a fine actor.

So, seasons 9 and 10 are probably fine TV. I'm never going to watch them through, so don't ask. I've tried and failed and every time it just tears my heart a little more and I'm won't be doing it again.

Those seasons...they just lost everything I watch SG-1 for, and so...yeah. I feel the hate strongly. Not because they're bad--I think they're different, not necessarily bad. My hate is only because in creating those seasons, they tore down the parts of SG1 that I loved most.

So s9-10 show me a few nice hugs and laughs? That's nice. I like comedies, I do. However...that's not my Stargate. Not the one I love. I liked the sarcastic one, the one full of wonder, the one where they had to scrape and claw their way through the galaxy with naivety and courage and brilliance. The one where they ate together, fought together, died together, were resurrected together.

It hurts, man. It hurts when the things I love turn into something that's lukewarm. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

That's why we have fanfic. And, with any luck, I'll actually start that AU I've been talking about.

It's fanfic, and so it'll be my Stargate. The ending I wanted--which really wasn't an ending at all, more of a closure of one chapter of the story.

Damn, did that turn dramatic. Um, sorry about that, and also sorry for spilling my feelings all over you guys. Thanks for reading, if you got to the end of this.

[honeypiehotchner]

i knew you (Bucky Barnes soulmate AU) -- part one

I know, I know. I just finished a story and I started another one and now I’m posting a different one...I’m insane. But I’ve had this idea for a while, just never wrote it down until last night! Enjoy xx.

Also! It’s Bucky x Reader, but it might read as Steve x Reader. I promise it’s platonic!Steve x Reader, though. Steve has no intentions of stealing Bucky’s girl. He knows Bucky would haunt his ass if he did (this is set in The Winter Soldier movie, so Steve still thinks Buck is dead).

Warnings: just some general sadness and angst, mentions of depression, it’s angst city honestly it made me cry

You watch as the old footage replays of Bucky’s wide grin. The only kind of smile that his best friend, Steve Rogers, could draw out of him with one single look or gesture. The only kind of expression that knocks the wind out of your lungs and sends chills down your spine.

“Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steven Rogers were inseparable both on schoolyard and battlefield. Barnes is the only Howling Commando to give his life in service of his country.”

You hastily wipe a tear away. It’s been months since you put the pieces together. Months since your parents told you that they had known for years. Months since they told you they didn’t want to tell you because they didn’t want to see you hurt. 

Months since you’ve realized the man you keep seeing in your dreams is Bucky Barnes.

At first, you thought you were crazy. People dream of faces they’ve never seen all the time, right? 

Soulmates are said to be rare, but not nonexistent. You’ve always thought they were real, just that the world was so cynical to really talk about them. The idea that there is one person out there whose soul is connected to yours is exactly the kind of thing that would send this generation walking the other direction with their middle fingers raised and eyes rolling in disbelief.

Then you started remembering your dreams. You started to see his face more clearly. Granted, you had no idea it was Bucky that you were seeing. 

You came to the Smithsonian almost half a year ago now with your best friend. She realized you both had never been before, and she basically said fuck it one day and took you with her. Her exact words were, “How have we gone to college here for a year and a half and we’ve never been to the damn Smithsonian?”

You weren’t expecting to meet your soulmate that day. 

Of course, you use the word “meet” very loosely. Your soulmate isn’t alive, which explains the emptiness you feel on a daily. It’s been said that soulmates can feel what the other is feeling. Often times it’s muted, but recognizable. 

You got to see his face, to finally realize that it’s Bucky. The Bucky Barnes. 

It sounds ridiculous — and God, you love your best friend for not calling you pathetic that day — but when you walked up to the very exhibit you’re standing at right now and saw Bucky’s smile...you knew. Instantly, you knew. And it moved you to tears.

It was like your soul had finally found her counterpart, here, grinning like a madman next to his best friend, all the way back in the 1940s. 

Your parents knew simply because of things you would say, offhandedly, without even realizing it. 

Your interest in WWII caught their attention, but it surprisingly didn’t last long -- only from about the time that you turned thirteen to a few months before your fourteenth birthday. You would’ve found Bucky a lot sooner had your interest in the war itself lasted much longer, but it didn’t. You wonder now if you subconsciously knew it was Bucky, but steered yourself away from it in an attempt to save yourself the heartache at such a young age. 

Your taste in music has been the constant that they didn’t quite understand at first. You listen to modern tunes, sure, but you’re a sucker for the music of the 40s. Even clothes. You sometimes found yourself leaning toward the styles of the 40s in subtle ways, not realizing it. 

The true confirmation of their suspicions came, though, when your mom said she heard you say Bucky’s name. The first time was on a road trip. You had fallen asleep in the car. You were sixteen at the time. You were dreaming and you have no recollection of ever saying his name. You weren’t even aware that you said his name while you were dreaming until she confessed that day.

You haven’t told anyone about it. Your best friend doesn’t even know. She still believes you got too excited about seeing Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, that’s all. She doesn’t know the real reason, the real aching pain that you feel every day. 

The only thing that eases the ache is this. Hogging this exhibit. Watching the footage over and over again. Watching Bucky’s smile and being unable to hold back your own, despite your tears.

You know the staff must think you’re delusional. Somehow you haven’t cared enough to entertain the thought. But you have seen the security guard give you strange looks when you walk in almost every other day.

It used to not be this bad. You came every day for a few weeks, but then you were able to calm down to once a week, sometimes twice a month, if you were too busy with school to think about Bucky much.

But lately, something has changed. You don’t know what it is. You still feel the emptiness, but something is different. It’s...troubled. That’s all your mind can come up with.

It makes no sense, though. How can Bucky be troubled? He’s dead. You believe in ghosts and all -- you’ve never been given a reason not to -- but you’ve heard more stories than you can count from people whose soulmate has died. They all say the same thing. They felt it when it happened. Because it was like a switch was flipped. They were feeling everything one moment, and the next, it was all gone. Empty.

Empty. How you’ve felt since the day you were born. You’ve been to therapists and they all told you the same thing. It’s just your thinking. Change your thinking processes. You’ve never slipped or spiraled far enough for it to be classified as a depressive disorder or anything else, just...empty.

When you found out about having a soulmate, and even more so when you found out it was Bucky, you still felt empty, but not as much. It was like everything suddenly made perfect sense. The emptiness had a purpose, a reason for existing.

When you see him smile, everything makes perfect sense. You feel like you have a reason to exist.

“Excuse me, miss?”

You slowly drag your eyes away from Bucky, preparing yourself to deal with a disgruntled museum-goer or staff member complaining about how long you’ve been standing here. But that’s not who you see.

He’s wearing a hat, but the resemblance is unmistakable.

Quickly, you glance at the video before looking back to the person beside you. That’s him. Steve Rogers.

“Hi,” you say hesitantly, quietly. He’s obviously hiding, which he is right to do. If anyone got wind of Steve Rogers walking around here, there would be mass chaos.

“Hey,” he replies just as quiet. “Um...Wanna get a coffee?”

You have no idea why he’s asking, but you nod anyway. Who would say no to coffee with Captain America?

Outside the Smithsonian and down the block, you bring Steve to your favorite spot to get coffee. Your best friend turned you onto it when you first got here for college, and you’ve gone here weekly ever since.

After grabbing your coffees, you pick a table far enough away from everyone else on the patio to talk without anyone listening in.

“So, uh…” Steve exhales, shifting in his seat. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” you shrug, holding onto your cup with both hands. “Why did you ask me to get coffee?”

“You looked familiar,” Steve says, slowly. “What’s your full name, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Y/N L/N. Why?”

“Y/N…” Steve mutters under his breath, a crooked smile crossing his face. “I can’t believe it’s you.”

“Huh?”

“Bucky used to talk to me about you,” Steve continues, and you swear your heart stops. “He had me draw pictures of you. He couldn’t draw for crap, but he kept describing you to me from his dreams. I’ve drawn so many I’d recognize your face anywhere.”

“He dreamt about me?” You whisper. “Really?”

“All the time,” Steve nods, smiling sadly. “So you’re his soulmate?”

“I guess,” you say. “My mom says I used to say his name in my sleep all the time. I dreamt of his face, too, but I never knew it was him. Until my friend took me to the exhibit a few months ago.” You pause. “It sounds stupid. But seeing him there makes me feel...better.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve says suddenly. “It can’t be easy being born in a completely different generation.”

You smile softly. “Thank you. I’m sorry, too. I can’t imagine how hard it is to still be here after all this time. And without your best friend, too.”

“Yeah, it hasn’t been easy,” Steve admits. “But thanks. I appreciate it.”

“If it’s not too much to ask,” you begin, pausing to think about if you’re going to regret this. “Would you tell me about him? Just anything. It doesn’t have to be anything profound, just...anything you want to talk about. But if it’s too hard, don’t worry about it.” You wave your hands in front of your face, already preparing yourself for Steve to politely turn you down.

But he doesn’t.

“Bucky, he…” Steve pauses, shaking his head. “He was a lot wealthier than me back in the 40s. I had no business acting the way I did, picking fights with people three times my size, but I still did it. And Bucky was always there to pick me up off the ground and give me a ride back home.”

“Yeah?” You chuckle. “You used to be super skinny, right?”

“I was really sick, actually. Bucky had every reason to treat me like anyone else, but he never did. We grew up together -- though I used to joke that he grew up. I stayed the same size. But he never made fun of me for it.”

You can’t help but grin. “That video in the museum -- his smile. I see it in my dreams all the time.”

“Yeah, yeah that was Bucky’s signature grin. He could give any woman that smile and they were his.”

“I can see why,” you admit quietly, averting your eyes when Steve raises his eyebrows. You change subjects, not wanting to talk about how attractive you find Steve’s dead best friend -- despite him being your soulmate. “What was his favorite thing to eat for breakfast?”

Steve takes the bait, and for the next four hours, the two of you sit on the patio, talking about Bucky Barnes. 

His favorite color? Your eyes. Which you think is a little ridiculous, but Steve swears it’s the truth.

His favorite thing to do? Go dancing. Hands down.

His favorite thing to talk about? You. Again, you give Steve a stern look, and again, he swears it’s true. But when he wasn’t talking about you, Steve says Bucky talked a lot about the future. He was an optimist. Steve has no idea how, but Bucky always saw the brightest side.

Bucky was kind. Kinder than a lot of men his age, at the time. He had that blinding smile and instead of hiding it and going for the mysterious, brooding attitude, he chose to smile as much as he could, to anyone who looked like they needed it.

Realizing that the sun is beginning to go down, Steve decides to get you home.

“It’s alright, I can walk,” you tell him, feeling high on everything Bucky. “It’s just up here. I go to college here.”

“At least let me walk you to the campus,” Steve offers.

You raise an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

“Bucky would kill me if I let his girl walk home alone. Especially when it’s getting dark.”

“Fine,” you cave. Hearing Steve refer to you as “Bucky’s girl” sends chills down your spine -- the good kind of chills. The kind that makes you wish it was the 1940s. The kind that makes you wish Bucky was here, holding your hand, walking you home.

Once you reach campus (you decide to let Steve walk you all the way to your dorm building), you ask Steve the question you’ve been wondering about ever since you first saw Bucky in the museum.

“Hey Steve?”

Hands stuffed in his pockets, Steve turns his head toward you. “Yeah?”

“If this was the 40s...do you-- Do you think I’m the kind of girl Bucky would want?”

Steve’s steps falter. You slow your pace to match his until you’re both stopped, looking at one another.

“What is it?” You ask.

“Yes,” Steve says simply. “Yeah. I do. I know for a fact he would’ve torn down every building until he found you. Because he tried.”

Your breath hitches. Deep down, you had convinced yourself that you weren’t the kind of girl Bucky would want. Not that it’s your fault because you were born this side of the millennium. But to hear Steve tell you otherwise makes you freeze.

“What?”

“Bucky didn’t have me sketch you because he wanted me to practice my drawing. He did it because he wanted to see a picture of you. Something he could keep in his wallet and look at every night. He was a ladies man, yeah, but every single one...he wanted them to be you. But they never were.” Steve shakes his head. “It really tore him up, that he never found you. He still held out hope, though. Until the very last second.”

Tears have sprung to your eyes before you even realize it. 

“Before he fell, he--” Steve pauses. “He told me to promise that I’d find you. I guess I kept my promise after all.”

He looks up to see the tears in your eyes, streaming down your cheeks. Without a single word, Steve pulls you into his chest, and without hesitation, you let yourself cry.

He’s not Bucky. And you’ll never find your Bucky, but he’s close enough. Steve promised Bucky that he’d find you, and he kept that promise. Now he’s going to do everything in his power to keep you safe.

Because he knows for a fact Bucky would’ve wanted that, too.

[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (13/17)

Summary:  “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Every year, for a few weeks at a time, life had a tendency of stopping.

And it had been following that same pattern for the past few years.

For Levi, the first signs of the freeze came when the last few red leaves fell to the ground, revealing the branches underneath. The trees were bare, the wind chill was cruel and the sky was constantly grey.

But the freeze was only a prelude that accompanied something much more daunting.That period of time in particular manifested as some sort of a limbo. That painful limbo where every student was suddenly reminded that maybe taking five classes at once was a bad idea.That limbo were suddenly all students ever had to think about were those five classes they were taking. Yet for some reason, everyone still found a reason to be stressed.

No training. No club activities.

Just deadline after deadline. Group work after group work. Exam after exam.

Of course it would be stressful. Since for many people, those last few submissions leading up to the holidays were always the most decisive. Making that deadline, making something of quality in that deadline always spelled the difference between honors and mediocre, a C for a degree or a failing F. Especially since for the first few months of school anyway, the urgency never hit.

Levi never had been one of those students gunning for honors. The regular tournaments and the twice a day training and the human need for some rest afterwards always meant that Levi was only barely passing most classes while every now and then scoring a B in one.

He was one of those people who thought of the final few weeks of school as some sort of a messiah, some last chance to pull a D to a C or if he were lucky a B. And those periods in limbo blurred so easily into hazy memories of sleepless nights, irrationally strong hate over some particularly shitty groupmate and those few hour long exams where Levi could have sworn his heart hadn’t even been beating.

He hadn’t expected his senior year to be any different. But on the days leading up to finals week, he started to realize he had fewer exams, a little more papers than usual. A side effect of being a senior in a non science course.

It could have been the luck of the draw maybe but his teachers had been kind and had requested he just send everything over.

Two requirements and One thesis. And Levi could always do it from the comfort of the study hall in the dorm.

The study hall was a medium sized building, most frequented by dormers.

One of its most notable characteristics was the window wide enough that anyone studying would be almost incapable of ignoring the scenery just outside. And in winter, the grey sky, the bare trees and the glass of the window that would fog up at the lightest caress were the main constants of the scenery. And even if it was impossible to ignore for most students, Levi didn’t think too much of it that winter in particular. Since the days leading up to deadlines, Hange had been right next to him.

There were those few moments in between studying when he would allow himself some reprieve. Picking what to focus on had never been a challenge. The dreary early winter scenery felt chilly even from the comfort of the heated study hall yet without even trying and Hange emitted a warmth that had resonated more powerfully than any feelings and preconceived notions rooted in his four years in a bubble. Her hums, her thoughtless mutters even her unfocused brown eyes the few times she looked up to give herself a quick rest, without even trying, they had felt warm and welcoming.

Maybe because just those small actions had been more than enough for Levi to feel very much connected to someone. For the first winter in his college life, Levi wasn’t alone

Although with the long hours studying, they never went too far beyond exchanging some few words, engaging some small talk. When their brains were completely fried, there wasn’t much else they could discuss anyway.

But they didn’t need to talk. Levi already felt it --- as he allowed the scratching of pen and paper and the familiar clack of the keyboard to keep him company in the stark silence of the study hall--- she had done her part to make that early a winter warmer than it usually was. She had done her part as well to make that limbo, that harsh in-between classes and holidays, almost enjoyable, a significant improvement from that limbo he had always braced himself to power through, every single year.

As he became a little more aware of her constant company, sometimes he could imagine the limbo had never been there, and it had all been a faint memory, a faint illusion of his life before.

And all Hange had to do was be there. Even when she was silent, highlighting line after line, cross checking journals and study guides, Hange managed to find a way to still be present.

When it came to studies, Hange’s case was a stark contrast to his, more urgent and more demanding, almost admirable. She had a full load and although Levi never did memorize her schedule, he figured it out soon enough having spent the days leading up to the exams cooped up with her in the study hall.

Exam after exam after exam.

And Hange was never without her laptop, her printed out study guides and her ebook reader. And she had been that way, all the way until the last day of exams, when the lobby of the dorm had emptied out, the hallways to his room a lot less busy and when Levi was particularly less self conscious about the awkward way he pulled his injured self up the stairs to his dorm room every night.

Everyone had gone home for the holidays already. And soon enough, it wasn’t such an odd sight to see just her familiar shape alone in the study hall.

The first day she didn’t have study guides felt like a big change.

He picked her out so easily, especially when there was nobody else hunched over their own notes. And Levi who had sat with her every single day in the study hall couldn't help but celebrate such a tiny development. “You’re done with exams?” He asked as he settled on the chair in front of her.

“One final paper,” Hange said, not looking up from her laptop.

“And then winter break?”

“And then I can finally work on my thesis.”

“Any ideas?”

“Yeah, some.”

“So you’ll probably be working during the break huh?”

Hange sat back on the chair and crossed her arms. “You know, I’m lucky enough the department is still allowing me to make a thesis even without a proposal presentation."

"At least you get to graduate on time."

"I know. This is just a weird place to be when at the start of the year, I was gunning for some best thesis award. Now I’m the only student in my block who’s disqualified. And on top of that, I’m starting from scratch again.”

“You could have continued from the last one.”

Hange closed her laptop and rested her chin on her hand. “I didn’t pick that topic because I wanted to. I just felt it was the most practical option. And when I consulted my parents, they said that was the best option to save time.”

“And it was.”

“But it felt weird. I couldn't bring myself to ask you the right questions or check your knee everyday. You were constantly in pain, sad, for a while you might even have been depressed…” Hange trailed off. She looked outside at the scenery on the other side of the window.

Levi could almost see the grey reflected on her eyes.

Hange continued. “I thought back to how you fucked up your knee and I realized I was reckless. When you scraped your knee I was there, then I pushed you to jump for my thesis and when I fucked up your life… and you never felt it even a little weird or annoying that I would be getting something out of it?" She looked at him as if expecting him to say something.

"I made the decision to push myself. Not you."

“Levi, please be honest. did I pressure you?” That was the moment, Hange chose to meet his gaze. She had a pleading look in her eyes that only made it difficult for Levi to reach within him for him some sort of a response.

He had the answer and it was so easily within reach. Yes, she did pressure him. But was that something he would have wanted to admit?

And when he started to ask more questions, he soon started to ask another more important question, was it Hange who had pushed him to do it? Or was it this image of Hange he was projecting onto her?

“You didn’t pressure me,” Levi said.

“Then why were you working so hard? Why did you push yourself?”

“Because… I felt pressured.”

“If not me, then by what? What pressured you?”

“Myself?” And by extension, everything else maybe? Captain Levi? Commander Hange Zoe? He added to himself. But he wasn’t crazy enough to say it.

“But here’s the thing, I could have sworn you were much calmer than that during the competitions. Actual competitions. But then since we met, ever since you scraped your knee, you were pushing yourself more than usual, you were much more tense. What were you working so hard for?”

“I pressured myself.”

“For what?” Hange’s eyes were boring holes into him. “I’m not your coach. Hell, I’m not an arbiter. I’m not an Olympic team scout. All I needed was your data for a thesis nobody was probably going to read anyway.”

“Don’t you have a paper to finish?”

“The final deadline is next week and I’m more than halfway done already. I have more than enough time to talk,” Hange said. Her face morphed into something a little more desperate. “Levi, I wanna know, what did I do wrong?”

At that moment, Levi froze. His eyes were completely fixed on hers, and he could only watch the way she started to study him, as if searching for an answer in the way he sat, the way he leaned back on the chair, the way he gripped the corner of the table. At once, Levi had become aware of all of his nervous ticks.

The tension in the room was thick enough at least for Levi to tell, that he wasn’t the only one feeling the discomfort. He willed himself to lean back further, get a wider view of her and he noticed the subtle signs, her hands were shaking, her lips were letting out a hint of a tremble.

Hange seemed to be in a similar state, self conscious and nervous. Maybe even ready to repent for whatever she had believed she had done wrong. As if she almost wanted to hear insults, criticisms and she even seemed ready to take a punch in the face.

But Levi’s thoughts were far from that.

The day they met, she had introduced herself and had approached him like they were close friends already.

The night they met, she had hid in the dark, watching silently while he trained. That night, she had stitched up his knee.

And in that process, she made him remember things.

You made me remember things.

And those things were what had pushed him to ‘tense up,’ to ‘work hard’ and to impress her.

But really was it anything wrong?  “You didn’t do anything wrong,” Levi said. “I told you, I made the decision to push myself on my own.”

“But what did I do to push you?”

“Do you have to be doing something to push me? What if I just met you? And I thought, I wanna help her write her thesis then things happened, then overtime I realized I’m enjoying this.”

Hange shrugged. “You pitied your biggest fan enough to give her a freebie huh?”

“I said ‘I’d gladly stay by your side.’” I don’t think people give promises like that as freebies.”

“But you just met me.”

“You haven’t even met me and you were already keeping pictures of me like some sort of stalker.”

Hange only smiled at such an accusation. Within the few months, they had gotten used to a little banter after all. “Are you just humoring me?”

“No. I’m not. I’m happy to have met you and I said it then, I’ll say it again. If you want me to, I’ll stay by your side.”

“It’s just weird, okay. You have a lot more fans than you think you do. And you get friendly with me, some frumpy nerdy fan who followed your tournaments like crazy….”

“What other explanation would you like for this? Soulmates? Fate?”

“I don’t believe in any of those,” Hange said. “I don’t wanna believe in it. I like to think that I just made the decision to reach out to you. And I just got lucky you decided to reciprocate.”

“Then I got lucky you reached out too, Hange. This goes both ways.”

“I guess it does.” Hange closed her laptop and looked up at the ceiling. “Sorry if this came out of nowhere. With my last exam over, this was the only time I got to think about it again. But you know, thanks for staying here with me even if I was ignoring you half the time.”

“I knew you had a lot to make up for and besides, I’m fine just quietly sitting by.”

Hange’s features softened into a warm smile. “Me too. I’ll make this up to you. If I get this paper written by Friday. I’ll submit then. After that, you wanna go somewhere? Just the two of us?”

“Didn’t you say you wanted to work on your thesis?”

“Your birthday is on the 25th right? But I wanna do something for Christmas so I’m thinking... what if we have an early birthday celebration and we do something else for Christmas?

“You know that’s my birthday Hange, I get to decide how I wanna spend it.”

“But what if it’s my treat?”

“It’s still my birthday.”

Hange gave him a long look. “Okay, what about this? I’m hoping to use your stories for references to my thesis. And I wanna make it up to you… I’ll treat you out on Saturday for that then after, you decide what you wanna do on your birthday.”

“I never said we couldn’t do that for my birthday.”

“Well if you were just more direct with things we wouldn't have to bounce off ideas like this back and forth. Are we celebrating your birthday early or not?”

“And besides I never even said anything about you using my stories for your thesis.”

“Just answer the questions one at a time Levi,” Hange pressed. She checked her watch. “And...I’m meeting someone in a few minutes.”

“Before I answer, what’s your thesis about?”

Hange looked ready to pull her hair out in frustration. “I don’t know yet but I might use it. Anyway, if you’re not gonna answer me, then we treat this Saturday as my celebration for your birthday. Deal?”

“Yes to the thesis. Yes to the early birthday. Are you happy?”

Hange let out a loud sigh of exasperation. “There. Why did that take so long to get out of you?”

Levi ignored that question. “So when are you going to tell me what your new thesis is about?”

“Maybe during your actual birthday? If you bestow on me the privilege of celebrating such an important occasion with you?“ Hange suggested. She quickly gathered her things and dumped it into her canvas bag. Her movements were wilder, messier than usual. So messy Levi found himself cringing at such a sight. He was fairly certain Hange had done that on purpose.

He only confirmed it a second later, as Hange bolted towards the door and gave him the most smug face.

Levi was sure, if he wasn’t so injured, he probably would have bolted right after her. And he was certain he would have caught up to her.

***

“Nice hoodie. The color green really suits you,” Hange called in a way of greeting.

There were no hi’s or hello’s and she hadn’t given one in a while. Yet for some reason, such an unconventional greeting still had Levi raising eyebrows. “Is this your way of making up for a few days ago?”

Hange shrugged. “What if I just wanted to compliment your new hoodie?”

“For one, this is not a new hoodie,” Levi said. “Besides we didn’t separate on the best of terms last Wednesday and you didn’t even reply to my messages after.”

“Well, I finished my paper and I started my thesis… And hey... I did leave you some messages.”

Levi was sure he didn’t receive any messages. He did not receive any notifications for sure. On top of that, he had taken the liberty as well to check back to his inbox every hour or so. Just to make sure his notifications were actually working

But still just in case he was mistaken, he checked his phone under her confused yet watchful gaze only to find that in fact he was right, she didn’t send any messages. He opened up to their untouched chat box and showed it to her.

“Did you check your document?”

“My document?”

“The one with the soldier and titan stories.”

“Why the hell would you leave messages there?”

“I was catching up to it okay.” Hange’s lips curled up into a smile as she spoke. “And I really enjoyed it. A lot. I left so many comments there. I thought you’d reply.”

Levi looked away guiltily. He turned off the notifications on the document a few weeks back. He liked to blame finals week for the inactivity. Yet with all his final papers completed and submitted, he was still making a conscious effort to ignore that document.

But did he want to tell her that? For a while maybe he did consider telling her he had no intention of touching it again.

But Hange continued talking. “When Commander Hange told Captain Levi to live with him in the woods… Wow you know you described it pretty well, I could almost imagine what was happening. Actually, now that I think about it, I think I managed to dream up something like that. But why did you have to end like that?” Hange twisted her face into a little too serious of an expression. “Shoot or listen it’s up to you.” Hange repeated, an attempt at mimicking Captain Levi for sure, but it was too comical given the context of the tirade.

Shoot or listen it’s up to you.

What if Captain Levi got shot? Before Levi could speak up though, Hange pressed on.

“Now that exams are over… are you gonna write more?”

Levi didn’t reply. Or at least, he couldn’t bring himself to verbalize a reply. Maybe he had brought his head up then down, in the form of some small nod. Maybe it could have been just him looking up to see the crowds making their way to the train station.

The train station closest to their university was one of the busiest ones in town. Even a little past eight on a Saturday morning, there were still crowds large enough that navigating through them still required some effort.

And whether Hange had seen that nod, or whether she had been too distracted by the buying of tickets and the navigating of crowds, Levi never thought too much about it. He brushed the thought aside as soon as she herself abandoned that topic of conversation and the question she asked only a second ago.

And she didn’t push that topic of conversation any longer. Even after they arrived at the platform, even after they boarded the train.

Train rides were always quiet. No one really ever started conversation in trains, instead passing the times with their phones on silent mode, save for a few children who still weren’t completely familiar yet with that unwritten rule

At that moment though, Levi was thankful. Hange was silent. He was silent. And he had a little more mind space to decide how to navigate the topic of his story.

Just in case she did ask again.

***

“Question, so is that the type of green that you imagined for the survey corps cloak?” Hange asked, pinching the sleeve of his hoodie.

Levi looked down at his hoodie. The hoodie was of a dark green color, and he only had to take a glance to put two and two together. “Yes it is.”

“I thought it would be. You know this is the same green I’m imagining.”

Levi smiled. He met Hange’s gaze and even when Hange had looked away, making her way to the park entrance, he made an effort to follow her gaze.

“You thought this far huh?” Levi asked, as she stopped at the turnstile and inserted her ticket then his ticket in.

Hange grabbed a flyer on the way out and looked back at him. “It was a good read. I really felt like I was in the story. And you know, it might sound weird but I kinda really saw myself in her. You know that passion she felt, with the titans and all… I think I’ve felt something similar back when I was still winning competitions when I was younger. I did loads of research back in high school.”

Levi only had to look back at the long hours he had spent stalking her on article after article to confirm that she was telling the truth.

Hange’s rambles about her research in high school though soon faded into some good background noise. He remembered some points, he forgot some. Then, his main focus though had been the green scenery that welcomed him as soon as they exited the train station. The station exit had opened up to a park, a large park with no end in sight. Only flowers and shrubs that lead up to trees with the mountains and horizons at the back of it all.

“When I was reading your story, they talked about what lay beyond the walls… For some reason, I imagined this park. I saw it on a documentary a few years back, streams that seem like they stretch out for eternity, miles and miles of mountains and forests. They said, when you step out of the station, it would feel like another world. And when I thought about what to do for your birthday...” Hange trailed off as she stepped forward into the main path. “I thought… why not show you the scenery I imagined? Maybe I could contribute to your story, help inspire you to write. I hope this view didn’t disappoint.”

It doesn’t. It’s beautiful.

Thinking about it, of course there had been a little more people exiting the train at that station. Of course the station would be much larger and a little more exquisite than other stations.

The view proved to be very much worth the three hour travel and the struggle of changing trains.

They had taken a regional train, then had switched to a few local ones. And looking out the window of the train then, Levi had appreciated how the landscape quickly changed almost blending across one another, the bare trees which almost had a grey tint to them, had gradually shifted to dull bare rice fields. Somewhere in between, the evergreen trees made their entrance, slowly then all at once, in some strange sort of way that Levi was never able to pick out the exact moment that he was sure, the evergreen trees were there to stay for good.

The snow had yet to fall there, and with the evergreen trees and the moss and lichens that littered the paths, Levi could at least pretend it wasn’t winter yet.

Green after all, was a very warm color.

Hange opened her map and leaned a little closer towards Levi so he could get a good look. The map was all green, decorated with markers, mini mountains, rest houses, water refill areas, toilets and picnic sites. There were flower symbols, marked by season. And skirting the circumference of the map were three circles: a large green one, inside it a red one, inside it a yellow one, a very small circle that covered two picnic areas and one flower area occupied the center and next to it a bright red arrow marker ‘You are here.’

“So, I know you wouldn’t be able to handle too much of a walk yet, so we could stick to something short? Just skirt around this area…” She traced the smallest circle along the park and turned to him expectantly.

“What do you wanna see?” Levi asked.

“Anything really. I’m just happy to be able to visit a park like this.”

“No, really Hange. What do you wanna see?” Levi pressed. He planted his bum leg on the ground and stepped forward with it with a little more finesse as if to prove a point. I can walk at least. “If I wasn’t injured right now, where would you have pulled me to go?”

There was some progress at least. He was surprised to see that he could put some extra weight on his knee without so much as a wobble. The stiff brace was probably doing all the work then but Levi was confident he could get a good number of steps across before tiring out his body.

“I’m sure we both don’t want another hospital visit.,” Hange warned.

“I’m fine. I’ve had enough physical therapy lessons and I managed to put some weight on my knee already. Even without the brace..”

For a second, there was a glimmer of hope in Hange’s eyes. She blinked it back before Levi could be sure. “I’m fine with the shortest path,” she said. “This blue one.”

“Are you sure? All we’re gonna see if we follow this path are two picnic sites, a mini forest and one portapotty. You’ll be disappointed.”

“But Levi, what if you get injured again?”

“Didn’t you say this was my birthday treat?”

“We can always go again---”

“In the summer? After you finish your thesis?” Levi raised one eyebrow at her in accusation. “We endured a three hour train ride for this. Let’s make the most of it.”

“Then… which path do you wanna follow?” Hange asked.

Levi gently placed one finger on the green one and traced it. He had only gone half way before Hange pulled the map away.

“No way. That’s at least a five kilometer hike,” Hange said.

Levi pulled the map back gently and pointed at the markers. “Come on, the landscape here seems pretty flat and there’s a forest here and a river. And if we walk ahead here... I’m guessing you wanna see the mountain? They built an observatory there,” Levi said. “Didn’t you say you wanted to know how it feels like to fly?”

Hange’s face turned a little red, her eyes looking a little unfocused as she followed the map with her eyes and looked ahead at the scenery. When Levi squinted, he could tell the peak which stood out from the rest, the small lump that stuck out on one of the hills, a little higher than the rest.

“You didn’t get to do this a lot when you were a kid huh?” Levi asked. He didn’t intend it to be a provocation at first. But when Hange folded her map and took a deep breath, he was grateful for those last few words that popped into his head then.

“My parents didn’t really like taking vacations in the countryside,” Hange admitted.

“One round around there, maybe we’ll go all the way up to the observatory and back,” Levi said. “And if my knee starts hurting, I promise, I’ll tell you.”

Hange’s lips curled up into a playful smile. “If I need to, I’ll carry you back.” She walked ahead, gesturing for him to follow. Levi was almost tempted not to follow. That little playful of an offer and the uncertainty that came with Levi wondering a little too hard about whether she was kidding or nothing, had him entertaining the idea of turning his back on her for a second.

Just to mess with her.

The view had been much stronger then, the way the sun shone on Hange and reflected on her glasses had been too beautiful of a view. It had been a while since he’d seen that much green.

And it wouldn’t be that way for the next three months at least.

As he followed her to the path that followed that large green sign, Levi started to think, maybe that experience might just be worth the embarrassment of a piggy back ride on the way back.

***

Man down!

Hey! Are you alive?

“So the river must be pretty near here huh...” Hange said, not looking up from the map.

Levi had heard the sound of the rushing water stream before she had mentioned it. Whether it had been a river or a stream, he didn’t bother trifling with such detail. The trees that lined the main path, and the sound of rushing water had brought him somewhere else, to another time.

“Wanna see the river?” Hange grabbed his hand, and pulled him towards a smaller path that had been unnoticeable from his peripherals.

As Levi looked to the right, to the shrubs that opened up into an empty space, he noticed the remnants of a path almost completely concealed by shrubs.

“Why would you wanna see the river?”

Hange shrugged. “We don’t get to see this much nature often right? If we follow it…. Maybe we can see a waterfall at the end?”

Levi narrowed his eyes. Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t seen that much nature since he had gone home for a visit more than a few years ago. Maybe that was why the greens and the landscapes had been oddly fascinating.

And Hange. Hange was a lot more entranced than he was. He could have sworn he had lost her a few times to the trees that lined the path.

“We take a look,” Levi said. “Then we go back on the path. I don’t want us getting lost here.”

Hange was too engrossed in her surroundings and then, her eyes had looked a little too wild. But the moment Levi had mentioned that last part, Hange twisted her face into a pout, a pout of defeat at least. “You’re right. Let’s just check out the river here and go back the way we came.” She clutched his hand, gripping a little tighter than usual. “Your knee is still okay right?”

Levi nodded. There could have been some lie to the reaction but it was still too small of a lie for him to need to justify anything. His knee ached for sure. It was an ache dull enough though for Levi to clock it to the tightness of his brace.

To his relief, the river was only less than a two minute walk away. It had seemed farther due to the dense forest that lined the main path. But the density could have been an illusion as well. It opened up to a treeless plain, just a good few meters of grass and beyond that was a river that harbored such a violent flow of water.

Both violent and peaceful, Levi soon realized. As if it was the river’s business to just run hurriedly towards its destination while at the same time crashing towards the shore.

“The river I imagined was a lot like this,” Hange spoke up.

“What river?”

“The one in your story.” Hange answered matter-of-factly. Her eyes were wide with surprise.

Levi wondered if his face showed any sign of that little charade. He had recognized it after all, long before Hange had even mentioned it. It turned out, only the rushing sound of water was enough for him to recall it so vividly.

The view in front of him only added salt to the wounds he just recently realized he had.

Phantom wounds. Even the word phantom couldn’t really justify how it felt then. Back he had written it, he could empathize for sure. Then and there, the view in front of him, had him touching his right eye, just to make sure it was still there and soon after, he wiggled his two fingers just to make sure they were still attached.

“Commander Hange found him in a river like this right? Did you imagine this kind of river too?”

“Maybe,” Levi muttered. He didn’t think too far as to the width of the river or the shape of the blades of grass below. The rushing of the river, the tone of Hange’s voice were enough at least to make him realize that could have very much been the river banks she had found him on. “Commander Hange would now.” Levi added a second later.

Hange cleared her throat. “Well then, I’ll make you imagine it. Call me commander Hange Zoe,” Hange said. “So after the river, where did we go next, Captain Levi?”

“You read it right?”

“They jumped into the river together,” Hange said.

Levi’s eyes widened. “They did?” Levi had dreamt of splashes, the cold water slapping at his face and the numbness that followed. Of course that would have meant them jumping into the river. But why had it taken him so long to put two and two together? “Yeah you’re right. They did.”

Hange chuckled. “Weren’t you the one who wrote it?” She looked back at the dense foliage behind them and back at him. “Let’s go back?”

“Yeah… Sure…” Levi turned on his heel, making his way back to the path only stopping when Hange grabbed at his arm and put it around her shoulder.

“You’re walking much slower now you know,” she said. “Should we go back?”

Levi shook his head. “No, keep going.” His weight on her shoulders was a familiar sensation, almost nostalgic. And the green around him, the breeze and the peaceful rustle of leaves only helped to comfort him further.

There may have been some others along the trail, but Levi wasn’t looking at anyone else. Along the way on the path, the small support had evolved to a piggy back ride.

Surprisingly, Levi wasn’t at all self conscious.

“You’re much lighter than I thought you would be.”

“I honestly feel like I’ve lost weight since the injury. I probably had a lot more muscle back in the summer.” Levi let his head hang back as he stared up at the blue sky above him. The two stopped for a rest in one of the forest clearings a good few meters away from the path.

The ground beneath him was dirty for sure and he felt the leaves and stones through his thick joggers. For some reason though, he wasn’t at all in a hurry to get up.

Hange squeezed his leg. “I’d think physical therapy would have done something about that.”

“Hange, can anyone actually gain muscle learning how to walk again?”

“I’m pretty sure you do other stuff in therapy.”

“Yeah, but it’s far from the training I used to do for high jumps,” Levi said. “Even if my knee magically heals now, who knows if I’ll even be able to manage a two meter jump again.”

Hange closed her eyes and hummed, seeming deep in thought for a second. “Captain Levi was humanity’s strongest,” she said. “Then he got injured in some explosion and ended up half dead on the banks of the river.”

Levi could only watch silently as Hange pulled her legs a little closer to herself and pressed one finger to her left eye and before he knew it, Levi found himself mirroring that slight movement, the phantom pains returned for a split second.

“But I can’t imagine the story ended there. Humanity’s strongest soldier wouldn’t go out of commission over an injury like that. After that, he had to continue fighting right?” Hange continued.

Maybe we should just live here together. Right Levi?

If we keep running and hiding, what will that get us.

The rustle of the leaves, the clear sky above him and the way Hange had rested her elbow on her knees, touching her hand to her left eye. Those were more than enough crumbs for Levi to almost hear the conversation in the silence.

Shoot or Listen. It’s up to you.

“He continued fighting,” Levi said. He let out a cough. “No--- They continued fighting. Captain Levi and Commander Hange Zoe did.”

***

“Maybe I should have built a cart,” Hange said as she rested on the bench. She heaved a breath so strong Levi could have believed she had held her breath the whole way to the rest house.

“You didn’t have to support me here. I could have walked it.”

“Believe me Levi, this isn’t much. It’s like just another day in the gym,” Hange said.

“If we were doing this months ago I could have done five rounds of this trail with you on my back.”

Hange grinned. “Is that a challenge?”

“I said five months ago. Not now.”

Levi stretched his arms out, noting how heavy it was then, particularly when compared to months ago. Back then, it had been his arms carrying him over the bar, then and there stretched out in front of him, those same arms felt like dead weight. And the dead weight stretched out to all parts of his body, all the way until his legs, settling particularly on his braced knee.

And for a second, it hurt. Enough for Levi to instinctively put his hand on top of it, an attempt to pacify it before it got unbearable.

A second later, another propped her hand on top of his and Levi followed it all the way up until Hange.

Her face was hopeful, her eyes wide with what could have been curiosity and soon enough, maybe plans and ideas. “When your knee heals, let’s do this again,” she said.

The path wouldn’t change. It would pass by the same glades, the same rivers and through the halfway point that was the rest house.

The seasons would change the scenery for sure, each would bring its own flavor to the paths. But Levi was sure that wasn’t what Hange was thinking about then as she looked elsewhere, first scanning her surroundings then settling somewhere above.

Levi didn’t have to follow her gaze to know it. It had been the main attraction since they had gotten past the forest and into the clearing.

Of course, that was what Hange would have liked to see.

There was a reason the rest house had been placed so conveniently there at that halfway point. In front of the rest house, the mountain path broke into a fork, one with the green sign which would loop back to the entrance, the other snaked up the mountain, so steeply Levi was sure in his current state, he would only injure himself further if he attempted to climb to the top.

And what lay above there, was the observatory, the one lump he had remembered seeing from the entrance of the station.

We walked that far? Levi thought to himself then. He looked to Hange who was still very much focused on the view of the observatory from their place on the bench.

You’re still looking at it? “You really wanna check it out?” Levi asked.

“The what?” Hange looked back at him, her eyes wide with surprise.

“The observatory, on the peak, up there.”

“Maybe next time.” She shrugged, “Even if you insist, I’m not making you climb that.”

The trail was steep enough at least that Levi was sure they’d have to be on all fours for a good majority of that difficult hike.

“You wanna get something to eat?” Hange asked as she held a hand out to help him up.

“Sure.”

The resthouse only offered the bare minimum, rice balls and sandwiches as if they were doing their part to prevent anybody else from overeating mid hike. Those amenities, the indoor benches and the indoor heating was more than enough though for an already exhausted Levi.

It was as if his body realized that it was time to rest, and chose that moment to complain, putting emphasis in particular to the aches and pains on his knee. Even holding on to Hange who had supported him the rest of the way, had brought with it a few more unwelcome pains and even Levi’s shoulders that had not done much but tense up as he held on to Hange, were starting to hurt.

“You tired?” She asked in between bites of her riceball.

“I’m having fun.”

“That wasn’t the question,” Hange retorted.

“Aren’t you supposed to be tired, you were pretty much supporting me the whole time.”

Hange rolled her shoulders. “I still workout in between studies. Besides I told you, you’re light.” she said.

But Levi did notice in her flushed face and the way she had paused a few times in between sentences, she was tired. Tired but still very much enjoying it. Tired but still very much unsatisfied.

And he saw it in the way she would sneak glances out the window as if…

“You really wanna climb the hill, don’t you?”

Hange bit her lip, quickly crumpling the empty wrapper of the rice ball. As if that could have been enough to stave whatever conflicted feelings seemed to be boiling inside her.

“It’s fine, okay. You can leave me here first.”

“But… I wanna see that view with you.” Hange said. “We could wait until the summer, when your leg is fully healed. Maybe we could ask Erwin about it…”

“Summer is a long time from now and before that, you’re gonna have to finish your thesis, then you’re gonna have to defend it. Who knows how quickly things will change by then,”

Hange avoided his gaze, instead focusing on the crumpled plastic wrapper in front of her and she held it in her hands like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“Hange, I can wait here you know.” Levi pressed. “I’ve flown more than enough times to be satisfied for a lifetime. You don’t have to wait for me. Just show me the way next summer.”

Hange required more prodding after that. But Levi had figured out the secret to it already. All he had to do was subtly lead her to the spot where the path quickly bent upwards, to the steep incline, so steep that Levi couldn’t completely get a view of what lay beyond, even with his head bent back it hurt.

Hange’s face though was a little more flushed and there was a sparkle in her eyes. She was almost there.

Levi just had to push her a little closer. “It might get cold up there.” He removed his hoodie and handed it to her. “I’ll be waiting inside the resthouse so I’ll keep warm there. Just come back there after you’re satisfied.”

Hange gave him a look of surprise which quickly softened into something that resembled more a puppy that was given their first treat. “Levi….” She quickly put the hoodie on and for a good few seconds, Levi was struggling to find the next words to say.

‘That shade of green… it looks good on you too,” Levi managed to say.

“This is the survey corps green after all right?” Hange said, giving him the most cheeky expression.

“Yes. And it looks good on you, Commander Hange Zoe.” It could have been instinct or it could have been something else. But maybe along the way, he had just gotten used to pushing and prodding at her, the way she had done to him many times before.

He found himself pressing his left fist into her heart, focusing then on the way the fingers on his left hand curled clumsily into a fist. He was right handed, yet it was his left hand that fought for ground on her chest.

“Climb to your heart’s content.”

Dedicate your heart.

As Hange looked up at the steep hill above her, the afternoon sun chose that moment to shine on her, and Levi made out the sweat in her brow.

“To your heart’s content? That’s a pretty cheesy line Levi.”

That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say that.

And before Levi could even say a last goodbye, beg her to come back, she turned her back to him.

He could have called out to her, he was sure of it. But then, as he watched her climb, he could only stand frozen.

At first, he wanted to attribute it to the chill. He was only wearing one thin sweater, one layer, in almost sub zero temperatures. But the biting cold was the last thing on his mind.

Why didn’t you run after her?

The phantom pains came back. And that time, they weren’t pale in comparison to the rest of the sensations. They took over, as if the view in front of him then had breathed new life into those wounds.

Why couldn’t I run after her?

His whole body ached. His legs were bruised, his stomach was eating him inside out. HIs fingers burned and his face stung of wounds.

And he forced himself to look above him as Hange continued to climb. The sun was streaming right into his face, and even as his eyes burned at such a sight, Levi couldn’t look away.

It was as if the afternoon sun was eating her up, every color in her, the shadows consumed her. And soon, the only thing he could see was a black silhouette, that only got smaller and smaller the longer he looked.

See you later, Hange.

“And then what happened?” Levi muttered to himself, as if saying it out loud would make the dreams and the memories come at him faster.

They weren’t feeling obedient at all that day though.

“What happened to Hange?” He pressed, his voice a little louder than a second ago.

Levi forced himself to look back up as if searching for some sort of an answer in the view in front of him then. The memories and dreams after all had a tendency of washing over him after he fixates on the subject a little longer than necessary.

It never came though and soon enough, her silhouette was small enough to be fully covered by his pinky finger as he reached his hand out and raised his hand over his face.

And he was starting to get a little more desperate. If he couldn’t call out to those memories, he could call out to her, right?

“Hange!” Can you hear me? The memories couldn’t have ended there.

The last view of her was a silhouette, a black silhouette, much farther and much smaller than the one in front of him then. But at that moment, she felt far, completely out of reach.

Levi’s throat burned, his vision blurred as if trying to get rid of even that remnant of view.

Around that time, time stopped. Everything started to dissolve into conglomerations of sights and sounds. He was starting to even have trouble processing the rustling of the leaves and even the voices in the background.

And as he tried to take control of his body then, with the smaller motions, Levi soon started to realize he wasn’t even in control of his fingers, his hands or his legs. He moved the goalposts, attempting to at least take control of breaths, the rhythm as he swallowed that lump in his throat.

His body though was a spiteful thing. As soon as he became aware of those small motions though, it deprived him of those comforts as well.

And Levi soon found himself struggling to breathe, struggling to swallow.

Soon, he was struggling to do anything to remind himself that his body was still his to control.

“Hey, sir are you okay?”

What…

“Hey Levi… Look at me?”

Hange… When did you get here?

Hange’s eyes were fixed on his. And she narrowed her eyes and furrowed her brows as if deep in thought. And in her eyes he saw a glimmer of something else. Concern?

Soon enough, a shadow went over his right eye and before Levi could recoil, it was gone. But the shadow left the cool feeling of something wet under his eyes.

Wet...Tears?

Hange spoke up only confirming it. “Levi… Why are you crying?”

[pinkykitten]

everything stays

chapter 1 - blood on her hands :: gisela klein [ an aot oc story ] 

note: hey guys i know its been a rlly long time since ive posted anything and u may be rlly let down and underwhelmed that ive chosen to write a aot oc instead of fanfic but its what i want to write and i rlly love my oc and wanna give her some love and some praise and let u a little in how i see her. im sorry i havent posted a lot im going to try to write more and who knows i may or may not finish this but its ok imma try lol but life sometimes is a butthole. i hope you love her as much as i do an tysm for taking time out of ur day to read this story. enjoy!

Even though she knew that this day would have to come and that it was near, it still was a surprise for her. She was taken aback. It didn’t make sense and add up to her; she was trained for this since she was little; preparing mentally and physically for phase one of the plan; and the day appeared through the trees; past the wall; the opportunity was present; the fate of the people were waiting in their hands; and yet she felt a sense of evilness within her heart. Was this right? But there was no time. 

The day was written down in history. The stories were spread around like a disease. Heights, jaws, teeth, feet, stench, the screams. If they survived that nightmare they were seen as a tough soldier; as someone that was applauded because they probably had PTSD and had to see everyday as a reason within themselves or God that they were alive. That maybe just maybe they were saved for a reason; for a purpose. That is what Gisela Klein thought. Maybe there was something greater out there for her to do, to accomplish and that was why she saw another day; breathed another breath. 

But one thing was for sure. Forgiveness would never come her way; she would never expect it. To be a warrior she had to endure the horror; the pain; feelings of worthlessness; and friendships lost. 

This is the story of the 10th finding titan; the Slash Titan.

The pounding of her heart rang through her ears. It had taken everything for her to keep going on this journey; to continue on the path to and through Hell. She felt a loss within her and the light in her eyes died out. The loss of her friend made it hard for her to function. To keep her head in the game and in the plan. 

She sighed as she stared at her hands. Broken and bruised like her heart; scars and scratches scattered on her skin. Her bite mark deeply engraved into her flesh. She heaved a huge sigh. Ready to give death a handshake and make a deal with the devil. Panic was rising in her chest from her stomach, almost ready to throw up. 

As she thought about her family back home she realized there was no other way; she had to do this. In order to be with her family, to save them she had to do the one thing she was trained to do. 

Kill.

A lightning strike shot over the wall. The wall that kept the monsters away and at bay. Something was wrong; the air seemed to change. The lightning strike caused a boom, clap and the ground started to shake. 

Bertholdt drew his leg back and with full force swung his leg forward, knocking a hole into the wall that was impenetrable. Many people flew back from the wind of the blow and some were crushed by the debris of the wall. 

Many were going to die; but it’s what needed to be done. 

The titans were called. 

Finally the titans entered the devils homes and started to rip up their lives. “This is right, this is right.” Gisela had to keep reminding herself. “For my family.” And something snapped within her. The image of her mother, tortured, flashed in her mind. And suddenly everything was worth it. “No regrets.”

Gisela eyed Reiner, an agreement, a sign. She exhaled and in a quick motion placed her hand to her mouth and bit into it. In a spark she transformed into her titan form. Her eyes were much like a cats, sharp. She was made into the slash titan, she was chosen for this program. Her titans fingers were like sharp knives, able to cut any object or person. They hung a little past her knees. 

Reiner then transformed and both stomped past the hole. Many citizens glanced up, horrified. Gisela and Reiner were titans never seen before. 

She nodded to Reiner, bent down and started to pick up debris and pieces of houses to throw over the bigger wall. The chunks started to smash against people. Blood splattering everywhere. Gisela almost wanted to close her eyes from the immense amount of dead bodies piled on top of others, graves upon graves. 

She was hauling boulders as high and fast as she could. Her titan held a high amount of power and strength. Being slim, muscular and as tall as the armored titan and female titan. Reiner took a step back and gained his speed to go onward to destroy the bigger wall. 

“Fire!” Their soldiers cried out. Fear evident on their face. They shot their cannons, not even slowing down Reiner. Gisela continued flinging, wanting to create a path for Reiner. She was faster than before and many of her hits flattened the men in the front lines. Their screams and cries loud. 

“Close the gate!” They tried, it was their last hope to save humanity. But it was not enough. Reiner broke the wall and killed those running and they went flying. They reached even higher than Gisela. It astounded her almost, they seemed like helpless birds flying high in the sky; but that thought was quickly wiped clean because the second they flew up in the air they came straight down with much force that many parts of their bodies broke. 

Reiner did what he needed to do, he opened up a way for the titans to get in and they were swarming by the bunches. 

In the distance, the survivors fled in boats across the river to get into the other walls. Gisela put herself in their shoes for a second. They had reason to be scared. Everything they have ever known was gone; their houses, loved ones, food, a place to feel the most comfortable you can feel despite situations; it was all gone. Gisela shook the thought out, not caring about these cruel humans feelings. They had none. No emotions. Gisela had to believe that thought; what she was told, she had to believe it with all her heart, or else what was real?

They waited till they were able to not be seen and Gisela turned human first and then so did Reiner. The four of them hopped on the boat. Talking amongst themselves. The wind howled through the vacant homes. Destruction everywhere. Gisela looked around her setting and saw a little girl had been crushed because a tree fell on her, her doll mere inches away from her grasp. She died with her eyes open; almost looking into Gisela’s soul through the eyes. Gisela’s body trembled and she threw up. 

“Don’t.”

Gisela looked up to see Reiner wiping blood and debris off his clothes. He picked his sleeve and turned Gisela’s head to look away, he wiped her chin and mouth off the puke. He saw the trauma in her eyes and felt guilty. But it’s what needed to be done. He kept telling himself that the more he did this the more he would understand and get used to it. It was still all new to her and he had to be strong for her. He knelt in front of her small frame. “It’s not your fault. They needed to die. We are in this together. You don’t need them. Look at me.”

Gisela looked into his eyes, away from the sadness. His eyes carried the feeling of wanting to be wanted. That was always what Reiner wanted. But they also had fear in his eyes. 

“Stop acting like you’re in control when I know how sick you feel. I know how afraid you are Reiner.”

He paused and took a look at his hands and others surrounding him. “You’re right. But I made a promise to Marcel.”

They joined the other citizens arriving at the food reserves. The master of disguise was needed in this mission. People needed to see four hungry, depressed children that survived the fall of their homes, not mass murderers. 

Annie was only able to fetch two loaves. “Alright, who's the most hungry?”

“You girls should eat, you’re more feeble.” Bertholdt sat on a crate, pointing to Gisela and Annie. 

Annie tsked, moving a bang from her eyes, “who says girls are more feeble? I recall kicking your ass all those times in training.”

“You guys can eat it, I’m not hungry.” Gisela sat on the other crate and saw the chaos of the crowds. A boy caught her interest. He had dark brown hair, tan skin, and light blue green eyes. He was having bread shoved in his mouth and he seemed to have such a strong personality to him. If only Gisela felt so strongly about her motive and her placement in this life. 

“You really should eat, you need your energy after all you did.” Annie broke all the loaves in half and shared it amongst the four of you. “It’s not much but at least it's something.”

Gisela sighed, “you’re right. Thanks.”

After that day there was land given to only a few refugees but there were too many of them. Luckily the four of them had a piece of land that was enough until further inching themselves within society. Through that whole span each day was getting easier and easier living with the lies and day by day Gisela felt more at sure with herself and knowing that she could fulfill this mission. Pills and alcohol helped the pain and ease the thoughts. She taught herself to put a gap between what she came here to do and feelings. She told herself every day that nobody else mattered except her family and Reiner. She trained her brain to not care, to not have strings attached or any love for anything. It was all a play, all a rehearsal for when the curtain would fall. She was readying herself for that fall. Everyday she educated herself more on these scums. What they liked, wanted, needed, craved for, and what they craved more than ever in their life was freedom. 

She trained her body as if it were her last day, barely getting sleep. The face of her mother haunting her every night making her get up at three in the morning to do pushups or sit ups. Not only was her mind getting stronger but also her body. Even Reiner would make jokes noticing the muscles that would appear. The six pack that formed on her stomach. Her thighs growing tight and firm, her arms growing stronger. The sweat growing on her forehead longer. 

With her body growing her relationship with Reiner also changed. They no longer were the tiny children that didn’t understand anatomy or the air between two people. Reiner and Gisela’s relationship was of being flirty, sharing a few kisses here and there, trying to be a couple but then yelling at each other and breaking it up and realizing maybe this isn’t right a million times. Even Bertholdt and Annie were getting tired of their outbursts. But each time they made up to be friends only and then the cycle started where the feelings came in the way and they wanted to be more. They would tease each other, especially Reiner. They were each other's best friends. Gisela was like one of the boys, loud, obnoxious, burping all the time, Reiner would get a look at her and smirk thinking he taught her well. When Reiner looked at her he felt at home and that everything was going to be okay. Her nightmares continued and each time Reiner would come to her room and hold her, let her cry into his arms. She felt he was the only person that knew her pain. 

Gisela understood many things in life and for once she understood her life here, she understood why she was born and chosen. 

It was the following year and in order to get closer to finding the founding titan the four became part of the 104th cadet corps. 

“Are you ready to train more?” Gisela nudged Reiner, eyebrow raised.

“What do you mean train more? This is going to be a new but scary experience honestly.” Reiner spoke as if he was a different person. As if he didn’t have a life outside of the walls. 

“Reiner?” Gisela placed her hand on his shoulder, steadying him. He looked fine on the outside but Gisela knew the issues were inside, his mind. She knew this was becoming disastrous to him, he was starting to have almost two personalities, two lives, two worlds, two people. Gisela tried to tell Annie or Bertholdt, they saw it too but there was nothing they could do. 

All that Gisela could do was smile as they made their way to the first day of training. 

note: again ty y’all sm!!!! If u liked it lmk and this is kinda new for me cuz I usually don’t post my ocs stories here or much at all but I’m rlly excited for y’all to see her and for y’all to know this oc of mine and hopefully accept her ❤️

Taglist: @witchofinterest @chlobenet @eddysocs @fpxloomis @whctsherncme-archive @ocfairygodmother @fandomchick80 @ocappreciationtag

[pansexualseaanimals]

Chapter 9 Sneak Peeks ‘Cause You Deserve It

Hey guess what? I’m still alive! I haven’t been writing for a while because these past few chapters have kind of been making me face things about my own life that I hadn’t given due time to address and manage (especially Pyxis and Rory’s thoughts on how parents can “love you but not want you”, and stuff said by multiple people in chapter 9, the one I’m still writing) so I kinda just dealt with those thoughts and came to conclusions and stuff in my own mind while I endlessly binged anime and video games. Not that I don’t normally do that, mind you, but I did it a lot more and not much else.

Luckily, I live in a wonderful gorgeous apartment in my favorite town I’ve ever lived in (the only town I’ve ever called home, in fact! At least, in this world!) and it’s super comfortable and I live with my best friend who is way too good of a roommate if I must be frank - I’d rather be Columbia, honestly - and life has been relatively super good, so like. Don’t worry! I’m so happy in my life the way it is! I’m back home in the Midwest, surrounded by beauty and friends who’ve helped me out more than I could ever ask (but I did, let’s not lie lol) and... I still have depression and I’m working on that and planning on getting a doctor soon, but... I’m starting new good habits, getting into things I’ve been wanting to try, and yeah... I’m rambling at this point so I’ll make the rest quick.

I wanted to give sneak peeks because it’s been SO LONG and I don’t know how many people really actually read this thing? Like, “I’m excited that there’s a new chapter” kind of peeps? But no matter how few there are, you guys all deserve something nice, and this was all I could think of. Instead of just posting one scene, I’ll post a few clips from a bunch of scenes. Everything is subject to change as I keep writing, so it might not match the finished product, but... That just means you guys are extra-special! Heehee! ^__^ 

Excerpts are below the read-more cut. Hope it’s enjoyable! 

\/\/\/\/\/

"Oh, I've got twenty-five coins for the sea show clanking in the backseat, whoa-oh. I've got thirty-two seashells lined up in a row..." Caurel happily sang as she covered the turquoise side in pink, pausing and hiding in a corner when she noticed Zebra rising out of the spawn pool. The younger Inkling, hesitant, flung her brush wildly to cover the pink ink and swam forward, repeating the process every few feet. When she dropped down to the valley, she triggered another Ink Mine, this time getting away just quickly enough.

  "Not falling for that again," they sighed... right before Caurel popped out of her corner and slashed her brush at her, sending her floating right back to the spawn point. Unable to keep from giggling, Caurel re-inked the entrance ramp and climbed up to the higher level, brushing quickly down the alley as Zebra respawned again.

  "And I'll swim, swim, swim, to my darling Martha... And let her lay me down in the bay where the warm winds blow~"

  "Are we singing the same song?" Penny shouted from the audience, loud enough to be heard over the stage music.

"'Martha's Bay' by the Seagulls?" Caurel shouted back for confirmation.

"I knew it! Ahhh, I love you!"

"I love you, too, Butterfly!"

"Boooo!" Rocky shouted as he took out Thresher. "Get a room!"

  "But their love for each other is like our love," Ankyr said with a wink.

"You really are a sea turtle."

  "Hey, only Pyxis can call me-" SPLASH! Ankyr fell prey to Bonnet's Heavy Splatling.

"FOR ANKYR!" Rocky jumped up and flung his roller down before rolling toward Bonnet - and getting caught in a freshly thrown Splash Wall.

  "I love it when he does that," Tiger squeaked.

\/\/\/\/\/

"What took you so long? Why did you trade Ankyr for these randos?"

"Rocky," Caurel sighed. "They're the friends we were supposed to meet today, remember?"

"Oh..."

"Guys, this is Rocky, our squad's leader," Pyxis laughed.

  "Nice to meet you," Carina said, stepping forward to shake Rocky's hand. "Don't worry, my 'boyfriend' will be back soon."

  "'BOYFRIEND'?" The entire crowd turned their attention to the charismatic newcomer.

  "It's just an inside joke," Pyxis hastily assured them. "You'd just have to be there."

"Yeah, he kind of saved me a lot of hassle," Carina shrugged.

  "My Sunshine has inside jokes with people I don't know," Moises thought out loud. "Not sure how I feel about this..."

"Well, you know us now," Hans piped up. "She's Carina, I'm Hans, this here is Shera, and the rude guy is Cygnus."

"I haven't said anything rude yet!"

"We all know you will," Shera said as she scooched over to Abbey. "So, what's your name?"

"I'm aromantic," Abbey said between sips of coffee. Their friends howled with laughter in the background.

"Aw, that's too bad... Are you... asexual, too?"

"They're not sex-repulsed, if that's what you mean," Pyxis jumped in. "That's not what asexual means, though."

"Sweet little Pyxis," Cygnus chuckled, patting his friend on the head. "Always here to educate her friends."

"...You mean their friends," Rocky corrected.

  "What? No. You too? Are all Squids okay with the whole fluid-gender thing?"

"You didn't even last five minutes," Hans sighed, covering his face with his palm.

  "Look, she was born with lady-parts, am I wrong or am I right?"

"Here's what I know," Rocky began slowly, stepping closer to the Octoling and staring him in the eye. "This particular group of friends respects what people choose to call themselves. When you're with us, you refer to Pyxis as they/them. If you can't handle that, you can swim back home."

"ROCKY!" Caurel grabbed her brother's arm and yanked him down to sit beside her. "They're our guests!"

"And Pyxis is family," he bit back. "Which is more important to you?"

"Wow, they really worship you around here," Cygnus laughed, turning to leave. "Do they even really know you? Your history? What have you been telling them?"

"Cygnus, get back here and act your age," Carina commanded.

"No thanks, Your Majesty."

  The crowd was hushed for some time, the noises of the audience around them and the battle down below, permeating their silent space.

  "Sorry about that," Carina finally spoke up. "I told him to behave himself. But he's... how do you say... stuck in his ways."

"He's only twenty-two," Shera rolled her eyes. "He's just a stubborn pufferfish."

"You okay, honey?" Hans asked Pyxis, who was too busy processing their own thoughts to realize they should answer.

"...I'm family?"

\/\/\/\/\/

And now, here’s Shera going goo-goo over more Inklings

---

“Vanilla? Is that a brand, or...?"

"Oh no, I just mean, the original one."

"So... Vanilla means original?"

"The basic form of something, yes. Regular. It's just slang."

"Who's the person with the gatling?"

"Ah, that's Pixie with the Zink Mini Splatling. Disruptor and Bubbler."

"Pixie..." Shera turned to where Pyxis was seated. "PIXIE!"

  "Yes?"

"I can never call you Pixie again! That's the name of my new future wife!" Ecto and Thresher couldn't help but laugh.

"...Glad to hear it?"

"She's actually dating Ty right now," Tandy pointed out. "Sorry, you'll have to look elsewhere."

"Darn."

"Great Overseer," Carina sighed. "Why are you so thirsty today?"

"I dunno, Queenie," Shera shrugged and shook her head. "Look. I had no idea Squidlings could be so attractive, okay?"

"I mean, she's not wrong," Hans laughed. "The first time I saw Ankyr..."

"YOU CAN DO IT, GUYS!" Pyxis suddenly stood up and cheered as loud as they could.

\/\/\/\/\/

And now for some good parents! Specifically, Ecto’s dads. Well, one of them. The other is busy playing Pokémon with Caurel and co. in the living room at this moment. They haven’t been mentioned much so far, but they’re great friends with the Waters (Waters’? Waterss?) ever since all the families met, and Rocky and Caurel hang out with them a lot.

---

"That's because you can look back on the past, apply your knowledge of the present, and cook up a better future for yourself. A new happiness. Again, one that won't last forever. And maybe it's not perfect. Maybe you burn your tongue. Maybe you let it go cold without realizing. But there'll always be more soup."

"You just have an answer for everything, don't you?" Rocky scoffed, throwing more tomatoes into the pot.

  "Not quite. There's one thing I've always wondered."

"The secret of life?"

"Nah, figured that out in college."

"What? No. Shut up." The two shared a laugh. Mister Plasma reduced the burner's heat and placed a lid on the pot, before turning to Rocky.

  "Back when you were in Coral Reef's boat... Why didn't you say anything?"

  "Well..." Rocky took a moment to continue. "Figured there wasn't any point, I guess. Can't help it if the person you have a crush on is gay. Like, if Pop was het, you wouldn't have the love of your life."

"Well I'm glad that's not the case," he said with a short laugh, before frowning and patting Rocky on the head. "Sorry, hon."

"It's fine. That's one of those 'just move on' parts in life. So I did."

"Ah..."

"Happened with Ankyr, too. But that was back when we were super tiny. Like.. That's a different kind of love. Baby love, I guess. But then again, we thought Ankyr was a girl back then. That was easier to move on from."

  "You just can't catch a break," Dad laughed. "Anyone on your mind these days?" Rocky thought a while before answering.

"I... Not really. I don't know, Oji. Guess I'm kind of giving up for now. I just wanna cook and take care of the ocean. Those are my loves. Well, I'll never get tired of Turf War either. I guess... that's it."

"And that's A-okay," the adult Inkling nodded, before yelling "COME AND GET IT!" There was a multitude of shuffling sounds from the living room as the young adults made their way to the kitchen. "Come see us any time," he said again. "We'll always be here for you."

\/\/\/\/\/

And that’s all I have for you here today, I wanna stop myself before I give away more than I might have given away... But yeah, working on that slowly but surely now. I was already about halfway-ish done with the chapter before I fell off, I think? Depends if I think of adding any more scenes than what’s already planned. So, look forward to that soon! Catch you on the flip side~

P.S.: As a reminder, this is the second-to-last chapter I’m writing; after 10 is over, we’ll be moving on to the second book in the series, which will hopefully have much better pacing and will definitely be a lot different, but still be about the lives of Pyxis, Ankyr, and their loved ones - that will never change. Some of your favorite characters might not be around as much in book 2, some might get a spotlight where they hadn’t before, and of course we’ll meet lots of new friends, and you’ll just have to decide what you think of each of them. :3 But I hope you have fun. Regardless of anything, thanks for reading. If you’ve read any of Look Alive, Sunshine, you have my Heart Containers, and my eternal gratitude. Please let me know what you think, if you’ve got the time. Love & hugs!

[alias-levi]

flash fic friday #7

for @liz-pooh . in celebration of the exams you passed. i got you and i love you 💙

i also want to say that I'm not 100% happy with what I'm written but I'm quite happy with how my initial draft of this turned out in the end.

i appreciate very much every interaction with this post! 💙

fandom: twilight word count: abt. 1,500 words pairing: Felix/fem!oc topics (and warnings): teasing, fluff, domestic!Felix, i gotta admit Demetri is only mentioned like twice, dancing salsa

summary: Liza, Felix and Demetri have been sent to Galicia, Spain to find out more about an old vampire. But it’s late summer and the days are sheer endless - and so is the time that has to pass before they can leave the house. Time to learn some salsa.

[ID: They learned how to salsa on a Friday night in the dim light of the kitchen.]

source: this prompt is from @poison-prompts (it's also #66 if anyone wanted to know) and the only thing that is different, is that it's not dim haha

thank you and the text is below the cut :) enjoy!

Spain is a beautiful country - especially in late summer. The mostly dry air makes it rather easy to breathe in the heat. The seemingly endless masses of tourists are finally travelling home and there are a few quieter weeks before the first winter tourists arrive, looking for a place to stay warm and cozy while their home countries drown in rain and snow. They come to Spain to escape the depressing grey sky, the short days and long nights. In late summer, the nights are still warm enough to even go swimming in the ocean - not that the temperature would have been a big concern for three vampires anyways.

Liza, Felix and Demitri have been sent to Galicia by Aro. Their order is to find out more about a male vampire that’s supposed to be in the area. He is rumored to be several hundred years old and to have explicit information on the Spanish royals. Aro has also heard that this vampire is not too friendly towards strangers and - that’s where Liza’s power comes into picture - is said to be one of the last dozen people who still speak an old Galician dialect.

Aro is not taking any chances.

So, he sent Liza.

Because that’s what she does: Whenever Liza talks, the recipient will, without a doubt, hear her words in their mother tongue. No matter how ancient, how rare, how complicated or hard to pronounce the language is. While Liza always speaks her own first language, German, the received sound will differ. This has caused quite some surprised reactions so far and Liza loves seeing people get excited and emotional about hearing the language their mother once spoke. Especially older vampires.

Aro had provided the trio with a nice small finca near Oia, on Spain’s north-west coast. It’s not exactly a tourist hotspot like other Spanish cities, so their area is rather quiet. Just like the long days in the finca.

With a sigh Liza turns yet another page in the book she is reading. Demetri had retreated to his room just after noon, leaving Liza and Felix alone in the living area. The dining table somewhere behind Liza is cluttered with files and documents that Felix needs to examine to make sure they did not overlook anything.

Another dramatic sigh leaves the female vampire’s lips. Liza throws her book next to her onto the cushions and dramatically turns her head to look out of the window front. From the terrace, through the garden and beyond the fence a narrow path winds down just to the coast. Their own private beach.

Still, there’s hours to pass for the sun to set eventually.

Liza listens to Felix drop his file onto the table. His chair gets pushed back. Only a bit, though. She can hear it scratching over the wooden floor. He doesn’t stand up.

“Querida, have you ever danced salsa before?”

Liza snorts. “No, I can’t dance anyways.”

“You could learn it. You've got a lot of time now.”

“And who’s going to show me? You?”

There’s a challenge in her voice and Liza turns just enough to be able to look over the back of the sofa. Felix is staring at her, his elbows resting on his knees, hands together, head slightly tilted. He looks intimidating. Like a predator preparing to attack his prey.

“Querida you forget where I’m from. I’ve been dancing salsa before I could even walk.”

“How come I’ve never seen you dance before then?”

“Well, I’ve been lacking the right... partner for that. Come here, let me show you.”

“No, thank you. As I said, I can’t dance.” Liza laughs and turns back around.

“Oh come on! This is going to be fun!”

“Make me!”

Liza’s book gets ripped out of her hands and hits the wall with a thud before falling to the floor. Still sitting on the sofa, Felix is towering above her. He leans down, one hand on either side of her. Felix’ face is so close, Liza can see her reflection in his dark red eyes and ever so often she can’t help but look down onto his lips. But she doesn’t get to do anything about it.

Felix winks at Liza.

Taking her hands he pulls her up and away from the sofa. Felix doesn’t let go of her hands when he takes another step back and turns serious again.

“Basic steps, querida. It’s not as hard as it looks.”

Liza rolls her eyes. “Fine.”

“Good. Now mirror me. Left, right, left. Right, left, right. Do it again.”

“Easy. That’s it?”

Felix smiles at her, “oh no. These are the basic steps that will stay the same all the time. Oh and you need to move your hips more.”

Liza’s eyes shoot up to look at Felix. A smug grin on his face.

“If you wanna see me shake my booty, you just had to ask, boy.”

Felix moves to stand behind his girlfriend and his sudden closure makes it surprisingly hard to concentrate. His lips are at her ear, softly touching it as he speaks quietly.

“Again, querida. Left, right, left. Right, left, right. Left-”

The vampire’s hands have been sitting loosely on Liza’s hips. Guiding them, his body as close as possible but still leaving her enough space. When she missteps, Liza rests her head on her boyfriend, groaning. Felix chuckles softly into her ear.

“Am I making you nervous, querida?”

“Nervous is not what I would call it,” she turns around in his arms. There’s an expression flickering through her eyes that causes Felix to swallow hard. “Let’s just say you distract me... Anyways, what’s next?”

Felix watches Liza bat her eyelashes innocently at him and it takes clearing his throat for him to find his words again.

“Right, right. So next we do this together. Come here.”

Felix doesn’t wait for Liza. He pulls her back in, probably a bit too far, but that is not the point. Liza laughs briefly and takes Felix’ hand. After making sure she’s good with the basic steps, Felix starts rotating them. Slowly but surely they make one round, and it is really coming together.

It’s cute how concentrated Liza stares at their feet, Felix finds, so he decides to spice things up by telling her to do a double step. Though neither vampire stops in their movements, Liza looks at Felix in disbelief.

“A double step?”

“Yes,” he smiles at her encouragingly, “I’ll count you in twice then we actually do it, okay?”

“Okay.”

Her answer is breathless but her eyes never leave Felix’. After a couple more minutes Liza gets the hang of it and feels safe enough to look at Felix again. He looks utterly happy and relaxed. She smiles.

Felix looks at his girlfriend with a proud face. “Close your eyes,” he tells her. “Keep the steps the same, that’s the only thing you need to concentrate on. I’ll do the rest. Trust me.”

And Liza does. Closing her eyes, she rolls her shoulders one last time and relaxes her hands. She can feel Felix move them around again, slow circles but not on the spot anymore. Felix leads them in bigger circles through the area. Once he feels sure enough that Liza will keep the steps, he starts moving faster. He watches her frown.

“You’re getting faster.”

“Correcto, querida. You’re doing great so far.”

Liza smiles and suddenly Felix’ hand leaves her hip. His other keeps holding hers and her free hand just hovers in the air. For three steps they stay like this, then Liza feels Felix’ chest under her fingertips again. She opens her eyes and takes the look in.

Smiling brightly Felix’ eyes never leave her face. His dark, usually very neat hair, looks a bit disheveled and his black silky dress shirt is halfway unbuttoned.

Quite a look, Liza thinks to herself.

But the female vampire doesn’t look less alluring. Tight black control leggings are hugging her curves and her white sheer cotton blouse has been unbuttoned a while ago. Underneath, a white crop top holds everything in place and covers about as much as it reveals.

Felix can’t take his eyes off her as they dance. Dancing salsa again after all this time brings back some memories he usually keeps locked away. But the woman in his hands keeps his brain routed in the present. By now, she is taking some initiative. Liza is putting more power into her steps and swings her hips just a bit more. When Felix’ eyes return to Liza’s face he watches her tip her head back and laugh. Freely. Happily.

In a swift motion, he brings their bodies together. He doesn’t need to tell her that they are no longer doing double steps. By now hours must have passed and their bodies are synced oh so well.

Reflexively Liza gasps for air. She raises her arms to lock her hands in his neck. Her eyes wide open as Felix’ hands cup her side firmly. She knows what’s about to come.

Then Felix kisses her.

[rwby-grimm-guardians]

RWBY Grimm Guardians Arc 4: Re-Bonding In Mistral Special I

Welcome back to Re-Bonding In Mistral! So, while we wait for chapter 5, here’s a special (first of a few) that will explain what Ruby and Yang are dealing with currently. This takes place during chapter 4 in the middle of the night.

Yes, it’s another nightmare segment. Featuring a NEW form of Cinder attacking Ruby. Yang will also explain her PTSD with the fight with Adam, so because of that, you are free to skip this chapter entirely.

This will also delve into what Ruby and Yang think about the events that happened in the canon Vol 3.

Note that the canon here will be treated as their nightmares or them having visions. It can be seen as EITHER.

As usual, please give constructive criticism and enjoy!

Disclaimer: Still own nothing. Though I do own Cinder’s unique design used here.

Link to that right here: https://roosterteeth.com/g/post/35478f52-5a58-4ee7-ac67-68267f79697e

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HORROR SECTION AGAIN. YOU KNOW THE RULES.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-

(???)

Ruby opened her eyes and looked around. Wherever she was, it was dark in all directions, the only light coming from her cloak. All she knew was that she was on an unfamiliar cliff-edge with a forest behind her. All under a moonless, starless sky.

Much to her relief, she also had her scythe on her... She slowly stood up, clutching her cloak around her as a cold wind wiped past her. The frigid temperatures made the teenager’s teeth chatter and her whole body shake as she put up her hood.

“Where...am I…?” The red cloaked teenager asked, before noticing...embers. She then felt heat in front of her from beyond the cliff, before a thunderous quake shook the earth beneath her and a volcanic explosion erupted from the abyss. Flames rose forth violently, some reaching a height that rivaled that of the Beacon Tower. Ruby sat down in shock, eyes wide as she witnessed the destruction in front of her.

She then turned and noticed the forest behind her was ENGULFED in flames.

Though that wasn’t the worst of it.

The red cloaked teenager then noticed a feminine figure, with a Grimm-like left eye, arm, and wing, along with a Grimm-like right leg, donning a red and gold dress. She swore the eye was radiating with FIRE. The teenager then saw an all familiar twisted and sadistic grin on the figure’s face, immediately realizing who the figure was. Someone she thought was either killed at Beacon...or arrested.

“CINDER!?” Ruby shouted, her jaw dropping in shock. “HOW!?”

The Fall Maiden grinned, letting out a sinister chuckle, “I think you saw her before...in a nightmare.” The red cloaked teenager raised an eyebrow, before her eyes went wide again, “Salem…” “Bingo….” Cinder smirked. “So you ARE not just some weapon crazed brat who got LUCKY.” The woman then fired a ball of flame from her mouth at the teenager, who only managed to dodge it thanks to her semblance.

“Quit running, runt…” The dressed woman chuckled, stopping the teenager in her tracks as the Maiden fired a beam of heat from her eye in front of Ruby. The teenager screeched to a halt, before deciding she’d have to fight her way out. She pulled out her scythe, before charging at the woman, only for the scythe to be caught by Cinder bare-handedly. Ruby’s eyes widened as she froze, both in shock and horror.

She was then kicked back, letting her weapon go from being caught off guard. After skidding to a halt on her back, the teenager slowly sat up as pain throbbed through her ribs. She then watched as Cinder tightened her hold on the scythe’s blade, crushing and shattering it entirely. “To think I actually FEARED you after Beacon…” The woman said, before grinning. “I must thank Salem for helping me CRUSH that fear!”

The teenager attempted to stand, only to be instantly lifted by her shirt’s collar by Cinder. Ruby could feel the heat radiating from the Fall Maiden. The woman’s hands, mouth, eyes, nose, torso, legs. It was as if Cinder had become a being of pure fire and volcanic energy. The teenager could also feel her heartbeat speeding up in panic. Fear began to take over as the teenager struggled weakly in Cinder’s grasp.

She then looked behind the Fall Maiden, before her eyes widened in horror, causing her struggling to cease.

Behind Cinder were the LIFELESS, BLOODIED, and BURNED bodies...of Yang, Weiss, Blake, Jaune, Pyrrha, Nora, Ren, Oscar, Taiyang, Qrow, Raven, Zwei…

And even Summer.

All hope DRAINED from the teenager, before slowly facing her captor. The Fall Maiden grinned wickedly, “You actually THINK you can SAVE them…” The woman chuckled as tears ran down Ruby’s face. Cinder sighed, “Don’t look so sad. You’ll be joining them soon.” “Think of it as me doing you favor.” The woman sadistically smiled, before summoning a burning scimitar from her magic.

“Relax.” She grinned. “It’ll be over in an INSTANT.” Cinder then shoved the absurdly hot blade into Ruby’s abdomen, causing the teenager to scream in pain...

-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-

(2:54 AM)

(In the Xiao-Long-Rose Family Home…)

Ruby bolted up with a scream, cold sweat dripping down her face, before she tried to catch her breath. She slowly noticed it was just a freakishly lucid nightmare. She was safe...and in her shared bedroom with Yang. Her roommate’s eyes fluttered open, before groaning. “Ruby? You alright?” Yang asked tiredly. It took a few moments, but the silver eyed teenager nodded slowly, “Y-Yeah… I thi-” She froze as she felt bile in the back of her throat, before bolting to the bathroom.

The blonde teenager immediately went after her in concern, entering the bathroom and holding her younger sister’s hair back as the younger of the two retched into the toilet. After emptying her stomach’s contents, Ruby continued to take deep breaths as Yang helped her wash her face and mouth out. “Sorry…” The silver eyed teenager whispered, her throat and neck sore. Yang gave a reassuring smile, “It’s okay… Do you want to talk about it somewhere privately?”

Ruby stayed silent for a few moments, before suggesting, “Backyard patio?” Her sister nodded, helping the young leader to her feet and quietly heading to the back of the house and outside. The two then sat on the steps, listening to the sounds of nature and looking up at the cloudless sky and the sea of stars. The younger of the two leaned against her big sister and sighed, “So, you remember Cinder?” The blonde raised an eyebrow, “You mean that bitch that tried to get us all killed at Beacon?”

The younger teenager nodded, “Yeah. The same one that tried to kill Pyrrha too.” “She...appeared in the nightmare…” She explained. “She...looked different. Like she wasn’t human anymore.” “Like that Vampier chick?” Yang asked.

Ruby nodded, before shrugging, “Maybe…? Cinder had...a Grimm arm and leg, as well as a wing. She...” The young leader paused, taking deep breaths again, before saying, “She looked like she came out of the pits of Hell.”

“Gods…” The older of the sisters whispered. Ruby nodded, “Yeah…”

The two of them sat in silence, taking in what Ruby had just said. Yang then sighed, “The...one who did this to Blake and I...has been appearing in my nightmares…” The silver eyed teenager grabbed the blonde’s left hand tightly as the blonde continued, “He...would goot me into attacking him… Either by….” “Killing Blake, you, and Weiss…” She explained with hesitation, her own grip on Ruby’s hand tightening. “Or simply threatening you all…”

The younger of the two tightly hugged her sister, before saying, “We need to tell Mom… Maybe…” “Maybe there’s a way we can stop or control our nightmares...or better, stop the ones who attacked us…” She explained. The blonde gave a small nod, returning the hug, “I can work with that…” The two sat like that for almost a minute, before Ruby pulled away and sighed, “I’ve been feeling...so angry with myself lately.”

“Same.” Yang nodded. “Been having dreams of...what could’ve happened differently.” The silver eyed teenager nodded in agreement, before asking, “You wanna go first?” The blonde nodded, before sighing, “So, you know my depression is still lingering, right?” Ruby nodded, raising an eyebrow, “Was it...worse in the dream?” “Oh yeah…” The blonde nodded, giving a halfhearted chuckle.

“It was...bad enough to the point where I...didn’t care about where Blake went…” She said. “I...don’t think she told us where she was going… I even pushed you away instead of asking you for help...” The young leader looked shocked, but for a completely different reason as she said, “Then we’ve...experienced a dream that had us do something that we’d...never do…”

When the blonde raised an eyebrow, Ruby explained, “You know how I left for Mistral with Mom and Uncle Qrow?” “Well, instead of telling any of you, I….left a half-assed note and left in secret.” She said. “I sent letters, but…” The younger teenager sighed, rubbing her eyes, “I...can’t believe that I...would NEVER tell any of you what I was doing…”

“I can’t believe I wouldn’t let any of you help me…” Yang said. “Or what Stepmom said about Mom was true.” The younger teenager raised an eyebrow, “You had a dream about that too?” The blonde nodded with a groan, “Yeah… And it was...pretty bad…” “The conversation went...as terrible as one would assume.” She explained. “Probably ruined whatever chance I had at reconnecting with Mom…”

The two sat in silence, not daring to bring up where Summer was in their dreams. They could only assume that in the dreams, the former STRQ leader...STAYED dead.

“Do you think we should get back to sleep?” Ruby asked, yawning. Yang shrugged, “Only if you think you’ll be able to.” A few more moments of silence passed, before the younger of the two sighed, “Not sure if I can… But I’ll try.” The blonde nodded, helping her sister up to her feet and back inside. Ruby quickly got a drink of water, while Yang got out a note for their dad.

After putting the note in their shared bedroom, the blonde got out a two-person sleeping bag, before placing it on the patio by the door. The younger teenager returned, yawning once more as she and her older sister got in the bag. “Thanks, Yang.” Ruby whispered with a tired smile. Yang chuckled and kissed her sister’s forehead, “You too, little sister. Wake me if you need anything.”

The silver eyed teenager nodded, huddling up next to the blonde, “Same with you. Good night, sis.” “Night, Ruby.” The older of the two smiled, before the two sisters fell asleep. This time, peacefully.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And that’s it for the first special! I hope you liked the new form I gave Cinder here, as well as her powers.

You can be certain that the form will be made real in the AU in the future.

So, yeah. The nightmare in Arc 3 Side Red III WAS done by Salem. I should’ve mentioned that before, but I’m doing it now.

Now, we TRULY move on to chapter 5 and the second half of Vol 5.

[betterdaysareatoenailaway]

Sleep Tight For Me...I’m Gone

Lately I’ve been writing these Better Days Are A Toenail Away™️ posts in Microsoft Word, selecting all and changing the font to Garamond, which is so readable and beautiful, and posting the Word docs, paragraphs by paragraph, inside these Tumblr drafts. It makes things look nice, to my old fashioned sensibilities, but fixing errors is a time-consuming and needlessly convoluted four-step process.

First, I have to copy, then delete the paragraph containing the error. Then I open the doc. and paste the error-ridden paragraph back into Word. After I find and fix the error, I need to save it and copy and paste it back into the post. It's time-consuming because I’m not just copying a paragraph. As you can see from more recent post, what I copied looked more like a photograph of the paragraph, not the words themselves written in Tumblr’s default font Arial. For an example of this, see below. I like the way it looks like old newspaper clippings. I posted an article about how my fent dealer John Smith kept getting robbed, and had resorted to putting a machete in front of his front door as a way of preventing this, a lever of sorts, which is plainly visible in the video I posted,

So today I’ve given up on trying to make my posts look like books or zines, and have given into the Tumblr font, which is about as pretty as a horse with his snout shot off.

There are two much longer posts I’m working on right now, one about Nirvana and one about Soundgarden, respectively, and how both bands were very unlike their public perception, but those posts are taking a lot of work so I’m putting them on the backburner because today is some dumbass corporation’s day where it tries to synthesize mental health and profit and the end result is as baldly capitalist and clumsy as you would expect. 

I’m not gonna name the company, or repeat their stupid fucking slogan. As far as I can tell (which isn't very far), talking about my trauma has never made me feel better. And in fact it has sometimes made me feel worse, because in telling you what hurts and scares me, I’ve given a part of myself away that I can’t get back. When you’re like me, and you’ve lost everything multiple times, sometimes the only form of power you have is how you choose, or do not choose, to tell your story. And in a world where everybody wants to tell “their truth,” silence is power. 

You don’t get to know me, sorry. I’m not gonna hand you my life, both my bad and good experiences, and conclude: “Welp, that’s why I’m so fucked up. Case closed.” 

Honestly, I used to be a little confused, or miffed that my former partner (who is an amazing person btw, in every respect) almost never spoke about some of the traumatic things she’d experienced in her past. I took it as a sign that she either didn’t trust me, or she didn’t think I would be a sympathetic listener, or the mere fact of my gender precluded her from sharing because I couldn’t truly understand what it was she had gone through. It’s not like I ever asked her to talk about it, but I did say, once or twice, “hey if you ever wanna talk about that stuff, I’m around.” She never took me up on it, and I let it go. 

But as I watched her, and saw her life unfold, over the years we spent together, I began to realize I wasn’t exactly in any position to be telling her how to live her life or how to be mentally healthy. After all, she has found success in a number of avenues, both creative and occupational, and I’ve found neither. I'm not saying the fact that she didn't talk much about her trauma is the reason for her success. I'm saying that she's forged a better path through life than I have, and maybe I should take a cue from that.

She never told me what to do, per se. It was more like living by example. But because I’m pretty dense, and a severe addict, our time together actually sorta reminds me now of that Cornell lyric from his first record: She’s going to change the world. But she can’t change me.

I have certainly found that talking about how shitty my life is only makes me feel more shitty, not free, or unburdened, or better. If you wanna talk about your problems, and you find it helpful, more power to you. Just don’t wait for a corporation to tell you it’s okay to not be okay. 

When Chris Cornell died I was so shocked. Of all the grunge icons he seemed the most stable, and he'd survived the rise and fall of two major label rock bands. If anyone had survived the media machine that chewed up and spat out Staley, Cobain, and to a lesser extent Andrew Wood and Shannon Hoon, it was Cornell. He would be the last guy to support hashtag activism like #StarbucksMyLifeSucks. Chris Cornell actually loved to fuck with the best laid plans of corporate rats. Molson once had a few promotional concerts in Tuktoyaktuk, Northwest Territories, called Molson Canadian Rocks Arctic, with both Hole and Soundgarden playing to a crowd of flown-in grunge fans and bemused locals. But the whole anti-corporate thing grunge was known for actually came through when Courtney Love told the crowd she “use[d] Molson Canadian to douche.” Lol. Here’s a photo of Love arriving in Tuktoyatuk.

Cornell told the same people “so we’re here because of some beer company? Labatt’s?” Both artists’ jabs are funny. Cornell’s was a bit more subtle, but that’s what Cornell was like. 

So today’s post is about Chris Cornell’s suicide, more specifically the media’s reaction to it. For whatever reason, when Cornell died, every single news outlet, from CNN to Fox to CBC, posted “Black Hole Sun,” as if it’s the only song he ever fucking wrote, or – and this is far worse – the only song he wrote that’s worth hearing. The problem with this is more than twofold or threefold. It's fucking hydraheaded. 

Not only is “Black Hole Sun” a mediocre piece of music, it’s a complete misrepresentation of Soundgarden’s sound. 

Now, I’m a huge fan of the A.V. Club series HateSong, in which public figures gleefully talk shit about the one song they hate more than any other song in the world. The Max Bemis (Say Anything) one where he talks about Nirvana’s “Rape Me” as a terrible rewrite of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is terrific, but comedian Anthony Jeselnik’s HateSong takes “Black Hole Sun” apart, and I love it. I think the best line is: I think the more I hear it, the worse it gets. AVC: After the song became a huge hit, Chris Cornell said that he’d written it in about 15 minutes. AJ: I totally believe that. I don’t believe that Soundgarden likes that song. Like, I remember Eminem once said that he knew his song “My Name Is” was going to be a huge hit because the first time he heard it he was annoyed. It’s something about an annoying song that just grabs onto people. But I don’t think that anyone likes “Black Hole Sun.” I’ve never heard of anyone who likes it. I don’t understand why it gets played so much. It’s become a summer jam, and it’s not a summer song at all. Jeselnik is right that Soundgarden didn’t think much of the song. Guitarist Kim Thayil wasn’t kidding when he disparagingly called it the “Dream On” of their live show. And Cornell himself, known for a meticulous approach to his songwriting, had admitted that with “Black Hole Sun”was “probably the closest to me just playing with words for words’ sake, of anything I’ve written. I guess it worked for a lot of people who heard it, but I have no idea how you'd begin to take that one literally.” I mean it’s obvious from the opening lines that Cornell is just playing with words and how they sound: in my eyes/indisposed/in disguises no one knows What songs would have been more appropriate for Cornell’s untimely death? Glad you asked! Cuz there’s like…fucking at least ten that would have been better. I’m not tryna be one of those “the deep album cuts are better maaaaaan,” but with Soundgarden, it happens to be true. With some bands, the single are their best work. With other bands, the singles are the hors d’oeuvres for the entrees. So what deep cuts would have celebrated Cornell’s death a bit better? Well, to begin with, Superunknown’s strange and stately closer “Like Suicide” would have worked, for obvious reasons.

“Tighter and Tighter,” a song that is actually about the moment of death and what it might feel like, is one of my all-time fav Soundgarden songs. Not only is it a creepy and prescient prediction of what Cornell’s death by hanging himself may have felt like, it’s opening line is a good description of the personification of death: Shadow face/Blowing smoke and talking wind

Another sample lyric: “A sucking holy wind will take me from this bed tonight/and bloody wits another hits me and I have to say goodbye/sleep tight for me, I’m gone/and I hope it’s  a sweet ride/here for me tonight/cuz I’m feel I’m going/feel I’m slowing down.” 

The morning after Cornell’s death hit the news my buddy and bandmate James told me that en route to work his phone, which was playing music randomly through his car speakers, landed on “Tighter and Tighter” and he had to pull over because he was tearing up. 

“Fell On Black Days” is another song about depression and mortality. Cornell had the following to say about the song: “Fell on Black Days” was like this ongoing fear I’ve had for years ... It's a feeling that everyone gets. You're happy with your life, everything’s going well, things are exciting—when all of a sudden you realize you’re unhappy in the extreme, to the point of being really, really scared. There's no particular event you can pin the feeling down to, it's just that you realize one day that everything in your life is fucked! 

Now, if that’s not a cogent and even-tempered explanation of suicidal thoughts, what is? Why else would Cornell have admitted to being “really really scared” by his depression unless he knew what that depression could ultimately leasd to? Here’s some lyrics to “Fell on Black Days.” Dig the high literary use of “whomsoever” and “whatsoever.” Whatsoever I’ve feared has come to life Whatsoever I fought off became my life Just when every day seemed to greet me with a smile sunspots have faded and now I’m doing time cuz I fell on black days

Whomsoever I’ve cured I’ve sickened now Whomsoever I’ve cradled...I put you down I’m a searchlight soul they say but I can’t see it in the night I’m only faking when I get it right I sure don’t mind a change but I fell on black days how would I know that this could be my fate?

Eagle-eared listeners might think this version different from the album version. They are right. The rendition in the video was recorded live off the floor @ Bad Animals, the Seattle studio owned by Heart, where Soundgarden would record Down on the Upside. 

“Boot Camp” is a scary meditation about loss of agency that for years was tied with Zeppelin’s “I'm Gonna Crawl” for Creepiest Song to Cap a Discography, until Soundgarden reunited and released King Animal.

“Taree” is about ghost light, influencing events after dying and features Cornell’s most exhausted, convincing “yeah” @ 2:57.

“Applebite” is a Matt Cameron-penned ponderous clunker about Adam’s original expulsion from Eden. Doomy and death-laden.

“Let Me Drown” is a song about letting someone die.

“The Day I Tried To Live” is frequently cited as Soundgarden’s finest achievement, its odd time signature somehow sounds straight, thanks to Matt Cameron’s brilliant time keeping.

“4th of July” is a song about a post apocalyptic urban landscape, where the speaker isn’t sure whether he is seeing fireworks or bombs. 

“Limo Wreck” is a cool death song and has an eerie 9-11 prediction. “Building the towers belongs to the sky/when the whole thing comes crashing down don’t ask me why.” 

ANY of the above songs would have been better than that fucking asinine dirge-like major key fuckaround that has somehow not just become Soundgarden's signature song...but their ONLY song. 

Does nobody remember Johnny Cash covering “Rusty Cage?” 

“Outshined?”

“Burden In My Hand?”

“Blow Up The Outside World?”

Did none of these other songs get stuck in the electric head? (The electric head is Rob Zombie’s term for the technologically advanced culture we have found ourselves enmeshed in, or imprisoned by. It was the subtitle for White Zombie’s 1995 hit album Astro-Creep 2000: Songs of Love, Destruction, and other Synthetic Delusions of the Electric Head.)

For my money (which ain’t much honey), the song that best fits both Cornell’s artistic integrity and the sad circumstances of his suicide is “Tighter and Tighter.” I once wrote a whole article on the way artists use “yeah” as a placeholder or as a way to convey emotion when words themselves aren’t adequate. Dig that tired, world-weary exhausted “yeah” at 5:35 of “Tighter & Tighter.”

Or the creepy line going into the first chorus: remember this...remember everything’s just black or burning sun. Not that I agree with such a bleak worldview. It’s a writer’s line. And Randy Bachman has said, “when you’re a writer, you’d step over your own mother.” That’s the Cornell I want to remember. Not that he would step over his own mother. By all accounts he was a committed family man. I mean, I want to remember the Cornell who created strange atmospheric sonic worlds, who explored the dark side that sadly, eventually won out. His otherworldly beautiful music is what I choose to remember about Chris Cornell, not his estate tastelessly exploiting “Black Hole Sun” by using a line from the song to title a posthumous Cornell album of covers No One Sings Like You Anymore. Sigh.

First Cornell’s widow said this was “Chris’s last album.” Okay. What about the Soundgarden songs he recorded vocals for before he died? Kim Thayil was pretty diplomatic about it when asked recently. Cornell did record vocal tracks for the follow up to King Animal.

Kim Thayil: “Given our love for Chris, I do not see us reconfiguring without him.”

But he makes it clear in this interview that Cornell’s widow Vicky has those tracks and won’t release them to the band. Maybe because she blames the band for Chris dying that night? She’s not wrong to believe that they would have known, and seen, what kind of shape Cornell was in, at least at the venue, maybe not later at the hotel.

Kim Thayil: “It’s entirely possible that a new Soundgarden album will be released. Certainly. All it would need is to take the audio files that are available. I tighten up the guitars. Ben does the bass. We get the producers we want to make it sound like a Soundgarden record.”

Interviewer: “Is there an obstacle stopping that?”

Kim Thayil: “There shouldn’t be. There really isn’t. Other than the fact that we don’t have those files.”

Interviewer: “They’re not under your auspices?”

Kim Thayil: “Right. It would be ridiculous if [the record wasn’t made]. But these are difficult things. Partnerships and...property.”

You’re just gonna keep those wav files? And why title his covers album Volume 1 if it’s his “last album?”

Oh right. $$$

No one does sing like Cornell, but is “Black Hole Sun” really the best thing he ever did? The best song he ever sang? Should an album of covers be the last thing he gives to the world?

The only honest answer is no.

Sleep tight Chris. You’re gone.

[cela-astral-projection]

Fic Masterlist:

Pre-Plague/Character Establishment: 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190042013689/family-is-family-in-church-or-in-prison-you-get Celeste and Aedan’s origin/backstory. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190082894844/they-cursed-my-brother-to-his-face-go-home Aedan and Lucio go on a “hunting” trip. (Quotes because Mercedes and Melchior are not good at hunting not because they do anything else together they’re cousins ffs) 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190311270529/this-particular-diamond-was-extra-special-and Celeste x Julian. Coworkers to Cuddle Buddies (then fuck friends but I haven’t written that yet because Julian is difficult) 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190320567309/one-day-someday-my-prince-may-come-but-it-doesnt Celeste’s first Masquerade. She meets Asra for the first time, and Muriel, too. Gets into it with Julian. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190341492284/have-you-been-fast-asleep-and-have-you-heard Celeste officially meets Asra and he reads her tarot and wow okay

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190067442994/when-you-have-no-light-to-guide-you-and-no-one-to Aedan meets his future brother-in-law and promises to bail him out. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/611214605743767552/once-again-she-steals-away-then-she-reaches-out Muriel is injured. Thankfully Celeste is a nurse. 

Post-Plague/Pre Canon:

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190384015114/i-rage-against-the-trials-of-love-i-curse-the – Ressurection Story 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190458665589/the-sun-fades-on-me-now-and-i-miss-you-like-words Asra bails out for a few days on resurrected Celeste, leaving her with Muriel. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190472987084/see-the-west-wind-move-like-a-lover-so-upon-the Muriel comes around to the idea of having Celeste with him with a quickness. 18+

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190491986324/i-know-who-i-am-when-im-alone-something-else It’s just smut. Celeste is still with Muriel and Asra isn’t back yet. 18+

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190509030509/purple-clover-queen-anne-lace-crimson-hair Muriel is confronted by his Patron Arcana. Muriel, Asra, and Celeste are separated for the last time until the Prologue. 

During Canon:

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190582700534/you-saw-my-pain-washed-out-in-the-rain-broken  Travelling with Morga! It sucks. 

Post-Canon: 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/610958656942522368/dont-say-a-word-just-come-over-and-lie-here-with Muriel and Celeste go on a date. It doesn’t end super great. 18+

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189801811349/i-drink-good-coffee-every-morning-comes-from-a Flashbacks to why Julian and Celeste officially broke things off but it’s hard to know where this should fall on the timeline. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189951843634/i-was-born-in-the-arms-of-imaginary-friends-free AsraxCeleste after Celeste gets back from traveling with Julian. They snuggle and fuck. Muriel is being mad so he’s in his hut being petulant. 18+

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189941199294/im-still-mad-as-hell-and-i-dont-have-time-to-go Celeste and Muriel argue then fuck about it. My original Possessive!Muriel piece that people really seem to enjoy. 18+

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190248585519/all-i-want-is-freedom-a-world-with-no-more The Phantom of the Opera is Muriel Julian is Raoul that’s it send tweet. 18+ Sort of Possessive!Muriel 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190289302564/i-hear-you-calling-and-its-needles-and-pins-i Julian comes back from traveling and he and Celeste start working together and Muriel is less than thrilled so he and Celeste fuck about it. 18+ Possessive!Muriel

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190745800284/no-i-wont-bring-too-much-of-anything-maybe-a Celeste Climbs a Mountain 18+

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190784482169/my-one-true-broken-heart-pieces-inside-of-me-and Celeste loses a pregnancy. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190005355709/id-never-want-once-from-the-cherry-tree-cause-my Muriel is at the tail end of a depressive episode and Celeste takes care of him. Muriel takes off his clothes so 18+ plus but there’s no sex just some dancing around the subject. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190670502549/she-floats-like-a-swan-grace-on-the-water-lips Lemon tree! 18+

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189726046699/overtime Julian and Celeste have feelings at each other at work. 

High Priestess Stories 1-3: What happens when Celeste drains all her magic trying to save a patient’s child. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189742268754/high-priestess-reversed

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189746823779/high-priestess-reversed-pt-2

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189751784379/high-priestess-reversed-pt-3

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189771072979/ill-wake-up-my-body-and-make-up-for-lost-time Celeste gives Julian a birthday gift…kinda. 18+

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189734513229/if-im-well-you-can-tell-shes-been-with-me-now Muriel Proposes. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189831954089/with-that-freewill-comes-the-burden-of-choice-it Julian meets with Celeste before her wedding and lets her go, and they both have some feelings. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189839281409/when-other-loves-are-gone-ours-will-still-be AsraxCelestexMuriel Wedding Ceremony/Handfasting presided over by Nadia and Portia. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189761082259/i-find-it-funny-that-youre-the-only-one-i-never Celeste tells Asra she’s pregnant. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189789342769/shes-the-history-thats-made-at-night-shes-my Muriel and Pregnant Celeste snuggle. Some throwbacks to Canon traveling with Morga. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189810937059/what-day-is-it-and-in-what-month-this-clock Asra foists very pregnant and nesting Celeste off on Portia so he and Muriel can have a little peace and quiet together before things kick-off. Short. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189895805254/ive-got-my-hands-on-a-miracle-and-there-aint-no Celeste goes into labor. Muriel has to go get Julian. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/189914211199/i-believe-this-time-begging-for-sweet-relief-a Celeste gives birth to two perfectly healthy baby girls and it’s sweet and happy.

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190545859754/and-though-i-cant-guarantee-theres-nothing-scary Asra rocks his baby and has feelings about being a parent. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190033429514/oh-i-wanna-see-you-again-but-im-stuck-in-colder AsraxMurielxCeleste have terrible cabin fever and their babies are bouncing off the walls in the midst of a cold snap so they go out for a bit. 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190116505314/and-where-was-i-before-the-day-that-i-first-saw Pt. 1 Nopal Vacation where Muriel and Cela go and reconnect by themselves. 18+

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190134347659/when-you-touch-my-weary-head-and-you-tell-me Pt. 2 Nopal Vacation with snuggles, domestic bliss, and dinner. Intro to “we’re gonna figure out your history Cela” 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190174948949/well-laugh-how-things-have-changed-you-never Pt. 3 Nopal Vacation where Muriel and Celeste whine Asra into submission and make him come to fuck them because they’re lonely. 18+

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190207916499/the-poison-came-in-liquid-it-was-all-between Pt. 4 of Nopal Vacation and they figure out of Celeste’s history and it’s a real bummer 

https://cela-astral-projection.tumblr.com/post/190226109284/i-thought-if-i-could-touch-this-place-or-feel-it Celeste’s cousin shows up and it goes pretty well all things considered. Nice!Lucio

UPDATED 3/6/20

[fics-not-tragedies]

One Day in December: Chapter 9 🎇

one - two - three - four - five - six - seven - eight - nine - ten - epilogue

The last chapter will be posted tomorrow folks! Enjoy this one today.

Words: 2154; Warnings: few smut bits, also alcohol drinking; Summary: This year the pair decided to sing together a Christmas classic before ditching he party.

Hozier tag list:

@letoursilencebreaktonight​​​​​​​​​​; @angelpeachamber​​​​​​​​​​; @sgt-morgan​​​​​​​​​​; @julessbrown​​​​​​​​​​;

December 2018 

“Here…” Alex handed Andrew the flask and Andrew looked at him with a bewildered expression on his face, “Don’t look at me like that… you need it… have some.”

Andrew rolled his eyes and knocked a swing back, “Ughhhhh… God…” he bit back the strong liquid that burned his throat all the way down. Shaking his head, he stuck his tongue out and an icy cold chill whipped up between the cars, between their little circle and and around Andrew’s neck, “Fuck it” he murmured and took another hard swig. It may have burned, but it felt good once it was settled in his belly. 

“We’re still doing this, eh?” Rory grinned looking between the two of them. 

“Eh… it’s only once a year. Tradition, right?” Alex smiled at Andrew and he nodded his head with a grin.

“Tradition, yeah” Andrew handed the flask off to Rory and checked his phone one more time. It was getting late.

“Oh God!” Rory exclaimed, clutching his throat just beneath his his scarf, “That’s disgusting. Tastes like lighter fluid. Is that what it is?”

Both Andrew and Alex laughed at Rory’s reaction, and Alex defended his choice of liquor, reasoning that it would keep them warm. Which it was, so he hadn’t been wrong, really.

“Fuck it’s cold!” Andrew hissed, digging his hands deep into his pockets. The bass from the party was beckoning them inside, into the warmth and out of the crisp, damp, snow.

Alex frowned, “What’s the deal, mate? Is she-” 

“Hey!! You better have saved a sip of that for me!” Bianca’s light, happy voice traveled on the wind, carrying it to the little cluster of lads huddled together, shielded from the wind by the car beside them. Andrew’s head whipped up at the sound, a smile breaking out on his face. 

There she is. 

Alex and Rory cheered and clapped at her arrival and Andrew grinned like a fool, opening his long arms up wide for her, “Hey you…” he breathed, a cloud of air engulfing them as she melted into him. He wrapped his arms around her tight, hugging him to her so close. 

“Sorry I’m late…” Bianca sighed against Andrew’s neck, giggling when he tickled her sides. 

“It’s fine, em… we just froze out here waiting for you…” he teased, giving her a pinch and tucking her against his side.

“Froze? What about the lighter fluid?” Alex grinned and Bianca held her hands out in indication that she wanted him to toss the flask her way.

It sailed through the air between the four of them and she caught it before knocking it back and finishing it completely. She gagged, “Fuck me. That’ll put hair on your chest” and then with a grin she added, “Shit… I should’ve saved some more for you Andy.”

“Ha!” He rolled his eyes and nipped at her playfully. 

“Alright  you two, let’s head inside, shall we?”

And so the four of them traipsed up the steps to the party that the friend they’d all met years ago and couldn’t quite remember how, had been throwing for nearly a decade now. 

“Hey, where’s Cormac?” Bianca frowned when they pushed through the bodies and down the hall to the coat room.

“Stayed home with his family” Andrew informed her, holding his arms out to help her remove her jacket. 

“Aw. I never thought it was quite as fun when all four of you weren’t together.”

Rory smiled and raised his eyebrows, tossing his jacket onto the pile and unknotting his scarf. It was the same one Bianca had seen him tuck around his neck the first night she met him, “I agree.”

“You can be him for the night Bianca if you’d like” Ryan chimed in, “The honorary fourth Hozier crew member.”

She grinned, “Those are some serious shoes to fill… but I can totally do that.”

*

Andrew and Bianca let themselves drink a little more than they usually did… seeing as to how now they had each other and there really wasn’t anything to be depressed about this holiday. They’d commandeered the karaoke. They were two hams that were finally unleashing their natural ability to entertain and sang through a barrage of songs. Bianca wasn’t shy and nervous anymore with Andrew by her side, and he’d finally begun to feel comfortable in his own skin. Sometimes getting older and finding the one you were meant to be with had a way of doing that. 

“Wanna sing one more with me, baby?” Andrew raised his eyebrow at Bianca, his voice deep as he sang his question, his lips pressed to the mic. Bianca giggled from her perch on the arm of the couch where she sat through Andrew’s last two songs with Alex and then a few drunk friends of theirs who tried to wrench the mic from him in their intoxicated obnoxiousness. 

“That depends…” she sang back in the other mic, standing up opposite him, “… what song? because I’m tired and I wanna go hoooooome.”

“It’s an old favorite” Andrew smiled, his face lighting up when he selected the song and the words showed up on the screen. 

“The duet version” she felt her cheeks flush, remembering the last time this song was sang here; how sweet Andrew had looked when he sang it. He nodded his head to the screen, indicating that he wanted her to take the lead first. She smiled and rolled her eyes upwards. The key was going to be high for her, and she really didn’t have the voice that belonged on the same stage as her boyfriend. He was the singer in this couple, not her. 

Clearing her throat as her countdown began, she chirped the first word, coughed with a smile and started again, catching up.

“Oh, the weather outside is frightful

But the fire is so delightful

And since we've no place to go

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!”

She swayed back and forth to the beat as Andrew began his part.

“It doesn't show signs of stopping

And I brought some corn for popping

The lights are turned down low

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow” he sang flamboyantly and loud, making his way over to her and taking her hand. He spun her into his arms and then out all the way again so she nearly fell into Andrew’s lap.

A crowd had gathered. 

When Bianca noticed this her face got bright red and she nearly gave up the mic, but Alex pushed her back in towards Andrew. She shook her head as he sang to her.

“When we finally kiss goodnight

How I'll hate to go out in the storm”

He was hamming it up now, improvising and throwing in his little ‘Andrew-isms’ just to make her laugh and she loved it. She adored him and her heart was full. Now came the part when they were meant to harmonize and it didn’t sound great, but they went with it anyways. 

“But if you really hold me tight…” Andrew was pointing at himself, like ‘me? are you singing to me?’ And Bianca grinned, nodding her head and playing along. “… All the way home I'll be warm…”

And then he had her hand and he was singing right to her, her voice dying out as he took over.

“The fire is slowly dying

And my dear, we're still goodbying

But as long as you love me so

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow?”

Bianca giggled when Andrew kissed her cheek and squeezed her. Their performance warranted a round of applause and a few whistles here and there. Most of the guests in attendance had witnessed the last few years of their roller coaster of a love story and if they hadn’t been there first hand, they’d heard about it through a friend. It was a small town, good news travel fast, and everyone knew Andrew. Bianca became a local celebrity by association.

“I’m not nearly drunk enough for this kind of attention” she whispered in his ear, hiding her face, “How do you stand it every night?”

“You’re just not seasoned like I am” he teased her with another squeeze, “Wanna get out of here?”

“Yes!” Bianca exclaimed and for some reason, she got the feeling this would be the last time he’d be asking her that question in this house.

*

“Can you please hurry up?” Bianca called from the middle of her bed, the covers tucked up under her chin. 

“What?” Andrew called to her from the bathroom around the corner, “Couldn’t hear you…” 

He peeked around the corner at Bianca’s head floating on the pillows, seemingly bodiless beneath the blankets. He snorted, his toothbrush wedged between his teeth. 

She grinned at him, her cheeks flushed, her shoulder-length tawny hair in a little knot on the top of her head. “I said can you please hurry up because I’m freezing.”

He laughed again, “Baby… how can you be freezing when-” 

Andrew stopped mid-sentence when Bianca lifted the blankets and flashed him her naked body quickly, her mouth an open smile, her hazel eyes twinkling. Andrew pulled his toothbrush from his mouth and threw it over his shoulder. It clattered to the floor behind him somewhere, and Bianca giggled when he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and crawled on top of her over the covers, “Thought you were tired and all that?” Andrew asked her between kisses. He covered her cheeks and her forehead, her eyelashes and the tip of her nose. 

“Tired of that party” she laughed as he felt her up through the blankets, squeezing her and tickling her, supporting his weight by leaning up, his knee on other side of her waist, “Can we never go back again?”

“Never?” He murmured, inching down the blankets slowly as he kissed across the tips of her shoulders and her collarbone.

“Ever.”

“Never ever?”

“I don’t wanna go back!” She cried with a laugh as he shimmied the comforter down further, exposing her breasts. She tried to cover herself from the icy cool air of the room, but he nudged her hands away with his nose, and swatted at her.

Andrew chuckled against the warmth of her soft skin, “No reason to really…” 

“There isn’t. I only went for you. And now I’ve got you” she sighed happily, sliding her fingers into his hair while his minty cool lips took her nipple into his mouth. He sucked on her slowly, his fingertips and thumbs stroking her sides. Goosebumps dotted her skin and she shivered.

“Pretty sure…” Andrew mumbled through each sinful, wanton pass of his tongue, “It’s I who’s got you.”

Bianca moaned softly, laughing at the tingly way her body melted with that incredible mouth of his, “Either way. Not going back” she combed her fingers over and over through his long locks. He’d cut it over the summer, but it was back to this length again, and when he didn’t tied it, it reminded her of her Andrew beneath the mistletoe in two thousand twelve. So soft, and gentle, and sweet.

“Good” he moaned as he trailed sloppy, wet open-mouthed kisses down her torso, “Can I ask you em, one thing?”

She tugged on his hair when his nose brushed against her, tickling her, “Yes…”

“What are you doing New Year’s Eve?” He muttered against the bone of her hip, his teeth gently nipping at her. He looked up at her, kissing her once more before climbing over her and pulling the blankets up around them. He settled between her legs, resting on his elbows beside her head, “Wanna come back with me and spend the New Year in Dublin? I know this isn’t as exclusive as it sounds, since we’re, em, an hour away from Dublin, but let’s change something.”

Bianca raised her eyebrows at the suggestion. She’d only been to Andrew’s once during the summer for a few weeks. She’d loved it.

“Yes.”

“Yeah?” Andrew grinned, brushing his nose against hers, “You can stay for as long as you want, don’t have to come running back” he kissed her soft pink lips slow and lazy, leaning on one arm to push her leg open wider for him. He brushed his fingers against her, getting them slick and wet. Bianca moaned, sliding his pants over his hips and ass, snaking her hand inside to wrap around him and stroke him slowly before guiding him inside her.

She sighed when he filled her up, her hands on his ass, holding him against her. He lay there on top of her for a moment, gazing heavily into those pretty eyes of hers. He realized then he didn’t want to have to say goodbye to her anymore every time he left.

“I’d like it if you stayed with me…” Andrew whispered, his lips brushing against hers, “More…permanently.”

[tundrainafrica]

a song recommedation: for me the biggest levihan song is Skulls by Bastille. i don't know if you've ever heard it (or maybe it's a basic song for every levihan fan out there and everyone collectively knows about it)...it sounds like they're having a conversation the entire time. especially these lines: "when all of our friends are dead and just a memory, we're side by side, it's always been just you and me" "i don't want to rest in peace, i'd rather be a ghost that annoys you"

Title: Milestones

Summary: 

“And just like with every loss he had ever felt, Levi would count down the hours, the days, the months and the seasons following the death, labelling them each as a milestone to trudge past. In that aspect, Hange’s death was no different.”

Levi has this habit of counting milestones following the loss of a close comrade.

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Notes:  Thank you for the song rec anon! I made it a little homework for myself to listen to this song today while I did some grocery shopping and this really screamed Levihan, so loud I got a little inspired and I came up with this small ficlet.

The grieving process had always been respected.  

Soldiers could easily request time off to mourn the death of comrades and loved ones. In the survey corps, one or two days after a mission were usually given as a little gift for those who had given their lives and for those left to pick up the pieces.

It was a generous gift at face value but for many who had experienced too many deaths to count, it had started to twist into something a little short of cruel. 

Soldiers who had experienced more than enough deaths after all, eventually realized that the losses only completely sink in when they finally go back to their routines. The largest and strongest waves of grief come when the soldiers are left to navigate their routines, changing around their daily routines to fix what the dead had left behind. 

For some cruel reason, losses were rarely felt in the losses and the memorials that celebrated them. They were felt in routines that followed.

Levi had survived one of the longest in the survey corps and had experienced more losses than he could count. Having to quickly go back to routines after dealing with losses and having had to navigate these same routines peppered with continuous losses of squad members and teammates, Levi had developed a little habit, something to occupy himself between expeditions and missions. 

As Levi quickly noticed, that habit had gotten a little out of control that time around. 

Of course it would, there was nothing else to do. Levi had made the decision to retire. There were no expeditions to prepare for. The government was more than eager to grant humanity’s strongest pension already. He was also certain he couldn’t fight like before anymore either. 

And that extra time and mind space had given his grieving brain a little more wriggle room and consequently, a little more power. Levi found himself scrambling for a routine. With that free mental space, that habit decided to take control again. 

Levi had nothing much else to do but let it take over. When he was at his most vulnerable, when he was at his most alone, that habit had ended up becoming his best friend. 

He allowed that best friend to guide him once again as he went about the daily routine of a retired soldier. As it did with every loss, that best friend would religiously remind him that time continued to pass. 

And just like with every loss he had ever felt, Levi would count down the hours, the days, the months and the seasons following the death, labelling them each as a milestone to trudge past. In that aspect, Hange’s death was no different. 

At the same time, Hange’s death was special. Possibly because they had been working together for five years. Possibly because compared to the other times when he had wanted to grieve, he was in no pressure that time to recover quickly or go back to a routine. 

There were no distractions that time to fall back on. Levi was left with memories, milestones and himself. 

First sunset without Hange. 

The sunset and the gradual flashes of colors from yellow to orange to red. Levi had always found sunsets beautiful. Objectively, nothing had changed about that sunset. Somehow, Levi couldn't help but notice that he was seeing less colors than before. 

First Monday without Hange. 

Levi hated the typical Mondays in the office. The paperwork always made it unbearable. He had always preferred expeditions and combat. He was retired though and Levi was sure the paperwork would be nothing more than a memory moving forward. But reflecting on that monday in particular, he was certain he would have given up the world for it. 

First Friday without Hange. 

Depending on who won the argument or bet of the week, Fridays could be either drinking or heart-to heart-in-the-office-over-tea days. That particular Friday, Levi made sure to do both. He wasn’t sure what she would have wanted and it’s not like he could have asked her. 

First full moon without Hange

He didn’t even know he had built that habit of staring at the full moon until he looked out the window and felt time stop for a few seconds. In those few seconds, he was brought back to a time long ago, when Hange had been next to him, staring in complete awe at the full moon in front of them. He was too distracted by her then to have looked at the moon. 

Time started to move and Levi was reminded that he did not have much to distract himself anymore from the full moon in the sky. 

First spring without Hange 

Levi, when this war ends and I retire as commander, I really wanna explore the flora and fauna outside the walls. Let’s study them together!

He had tried to appreciate nature. He had tried to sit on the grass and just stare and touch the prettier or the uglier weeds that stuck out of the common grass. They were all weeds dotted with some flowers.  

Hange would have found them beautiful either way. He just found it mocking. 

First summer without Hange.

Hange loved ice cream. Ever since the first ice cream shop in Paradis opened. They made sure to get one as a treat after a hard day of work. Levi hadn’t gone back to the shop since he had last been there with Hange last summer. He wasn’t thinking of going back there either. 

First autumn without Hange. 

First autumn without Hange. 

Autumns were always special. The cool nights that only got colder and the days that only got shorter could have been depressing for most. Levi saw beauty in it because they built up to something else. 

They built up to her special day. That one special day Hange kept as a little treat for herself. She always decided what to do and she always made sure to rattle off her plans to him during down times between meetings and deliverables. 

Every year, she always had something she wanted to do and somewhere she wanted to go and every year, she always made sure Levi tagged along.

And as Levi thought back to their last conversations, he quickly figured out she had suggested one place she would have wanted to go with him. 

That passing thought she had shared during one of their conversations, that one night in the forest at least gave him direction. With her gone, Levi was the one who made the final decision to go there himself.

I came here for sanctuary

Away from the winds and the sounds of the city

I came here to get some peace

Way down deep where the shadows are heavy

In the first autumn after Hange’s death, In the forest glade where Hange had nursed him back to health, Levi had a small cabin built. Many could have concluded it as a capricious decision, even Levi himself. As he walked out and lay on the soft grass beneath him, he couldn’t help but think if he just closed his eyes and  focused on the familiar surroundings, he could imagine Hange next to him saying those words once again 

“Maybe we should just live here together.” 

I can't help but think of you

In these four walls my thoughts seem to wander

To some distant century

When everyone we know is six feet under

When Levi entered the newly built cabin and inspected it of any dust, he realized, maybe that was the first thing he had done for himself. He was already a retired soldier with nothing much to think about but himself. Levi was never one to constantly think of himself though, so he thought of everyone else.

When all of our friends are dead and just a memory

And we're side by side it's always been just you and me

For all to see

When our lives are over and all that remains

Are our skulls and bones let's take it to the grave

The cabin was cozy and there had been nothing much to clean. It kept the cool air of early autumn out and if he had been feeling a hint of self preservation, he probably would have stayed inside. His body was not as strong as it was before and even the night air of early autumn had him shivering. 

Self preservation had always been low on Levi’s priority list. Because of the lack of responsibilities that came with being retired, it managed to bump up to at least third. It was still the last thing on Levi’s mind though. 

The cold air and the rustle of the trees brought back countless memories at once. It brought back the faint pounding of the hammer, the swish of the bandages and her hitched breaths as she worked tirelessly as he slept. 

It evoked memories from times before that. 

Every year, when the wind was starting to get a little colder and the leaves a little redder, there was always one special day where Hange would take him out. 

To a place of her choice. It was that one day after all the commander would always spend for herself. The destination was always a different spot outside the walls. Sometimes it was a glade in the middle of the forest, sometimes it was a cave, sometimes it was a swamp. The places varied but the cool winds that came as the sun started to set were constant stimuli. The orange hues that stuck out of the green trees around him were also a constant view.

That night, Levi held his arms close to his chest, conserving warmth as the cool winds of autumn continued to barrel through his already battered body. He looked up at the trees around him, observing closely as some of the leaves started to stand out under the moonlight. The leaves were starting to take on a different shade and others were starting to fall off.

All those signs culminated into a scene and an experience Levi was all too familiar with. They were all heralding the coming of autumn

Hange’s special day always signaled the start of autumn.

Happy Birthday, Hange. That was the first birthday he’d be spending without her.

And his little habit made it so that he would never forget to spend it in the years to come. Even if he was painfully aware, he'd be spending every single one without her.

And hold me in your arms, hold me in your arms

I'll be buried here with you

And I'll hold in these hands all that remains

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

In A Blur

Characters: Spencer Reid x Reader, Derek Morgan, Aaron Hotchner

Word Count: 1,431

Warnings: minor angst, fluff at the end

Summary: Spencer is by your side when you get shot on the job.

Author’s Note: If you have any requests, please send them in! this is unbeta’d and every mistake is all on me. if your tag doesn’t work three times in a row (three stories i post in a row) then I will be removing you.

Feedback the glue that holds my writing together

Tags at the bottom

“FBI!” you yelled as you rushed into the unsub’s apartment, your gun trained in front of you professionally. Morgan and Reid were behind you as you went in one direction and they in another.

“Clear!” Morgan yelled when he finished scoping out a room.

“Clear!” Reid followed right behind him. The room you were in must have been the kitchen, and it was a complete mess. Dishes were piled in the sink, all of the dirty, and it looked like the unsub hadn’t cleaned at all, if not ever. There was only one window in the kitchen, and it was open, allowing the curtain to flow as the wind blew in. Morgan and Reid walked to the kitchen to see if you were safe when you walked over to the window and peered outside. The fire escape was the only way out, and when you looked down, you could clearly see the unsub trying to escape through that.

“There he is! He’s trying to escape! I’ll go down here and you cut him off through the alley in the back!” you ordered as you escaped. Without waiting for agreements from your coworkers, you rushed down the stairs, trying to take a shot whenever you could. The man was good at running, and he seemed to evade every attempt at you shooting him. Reid and Morgan rushed out of the house without another word, worried that you were going to get hurt if they didn’t show up on time.

“Tyler! Stop!” you yelled when he hit the ground. As quick as you possibly could, you made it down to the bottom before running at him. The heels you were wearing made it almost impossible for you to gain speed, so you kicked them off as you ran which gave you the momentum you were looking for. Tyler ran as quick as he could into the alley, and you hoped that Morgan and Reid were there to arrest him.

As soon as you rounded the corner, Tyler held a gun to your chest before shooting two rounds. He didn’t aim very well, and your bulletproof vest stopped the first bullet from entering your chest, but the second one was much lower, and it managed to go through the vest and into your stomach. Your whole body froze as pain spread through it like crazy. You couldn’t seem to move because you were scared if you did, you go crumbling to the ground.

He smirked at your reaction before putting the gun at his throat. Reid rounded the corner from the other side of the alley and yelled as Tyler shot himself. He must have thought it is better to die than have the police catch him for his crimes. Spencer ran to the man as he fell to the ground to see if he could find a pulse, but he knew that wouldn’t be likely.

The man who was trying to save the criminal was the love of your life. As soon as you got shot, your whole life flashed before your eyes, and all you saw was Spencer. The way he made you laugh, how he put you first before anything else, and how he cared for you every second of the day. He made you laugh when you wanted to cry, made you feel worth it when your depression was at its worse and made you feel beautiful when you had sweats and no makeup on. He was the best boyfriend a woman could ask for, and you didn’t know if you would even see tomorrow. It was a miracle that you were still standing, but you could tell from how wobbly your knees were, that you would fall at any second.

“Spencer?” you called out. Your voice seemed far away, but you had to say it.

“Yeah, are you okay?” he asked just as Morgan came from around the corner with the rest of the team.

“I just realized…” you started coughing up the blood that had made its way up to your throat, “that I’ve been shot.”

“Y/N!” he yelled as he scrambled to get up just as you crumbled to the ground.

“Officer down! We need a medic!” he yelled at the rest of his team. Hotch was already on the phone as the rest of the team came rushing to you. Spencer yanked off your bulletproof vest before pressing his hands against your wound. The vest absorbed most of the blood, but with it gone it was free to gush.

“Spencer,” you gasped as more blood came out of your mouth.

“I need you to keep your eyes open for me, Y/N. Please stay awake,” he begged as tears fell from his eyes.

“I’m so tired,” you whispered as your eyes began rolling to the back of your head. Your eyes slid shut despite Spencer yelling your name. Everything happened in a blur; running after the unsub, getting shot, and feeling like you were dying.

Maybe you were.

Maybe you did.

********************************************************************************************

Spencer could not stop pacing the emergency room while he waited for you to get out of surgery. After you had closed your eyes, he didn’t want to think about what might happen if you died. He hoped that the surgery went well as they gave you blood, nutrients, and to get the bullet out of your stomach. He had been pacing while the rest of the BAU team watched.

“Spencer, maybe you want to--”

“No, I’m not leaving,” he cut Morgan off.

“She’s going to be alright,” JJ said in a calming voice.

“Yeah, I know she will be,” he said mostly for himself. Due to his eidetic memory, he couldn’t get the event out of his mind, and he realized it will be locked in there for as long as he shall live. Spencer bit his nails in nervousness despite you always telling him he shouldn’t do it. He couldn’t calm his racing mind as he thought about what you were going through right now.

“Y/N Y/L/N?” the doctor asked once he came to the waiting room. Spencer was immediately by his side as the rest of his team joined him. The doctor didn’t look very happy, and his heart stopped in fear of the bad news.

“Is she alright? I’m her boyfriend. Please tell me she’s going to be okay,” he pleaded with the doctor.

“She is going to be fine. We got the bullet out, and she’s resting right now. Fortunately for her, the bullet didn’t hit any major organs, but her recovery process will be long. The bullet was lodged next to her spine, so I don’t want her walking, even with crutches. She will mostly spend days in bed except for bathroom breaks, showers, and to stretch her legs every few hours. She will need someone with her to help with those things.”

“I’ll do it. I’ll do everything. Can we see her?” Spencer asked with a breath of relief.

“Yes. She’s groggy, so I don’t know how much you’ll get to say, but she’s awake,” the doctor nodded. Spencer and his friends followed the doctor to your room, and he was the first one in. When you heard the door open, you sleepily watched the love of your life walk in with your best friends. Spencer was immediately by your side, grabbing the hand that had your IV in it.

“Spencer,” you whispered, barely audible.

“Don’t talk, okay? You’re going to be okay.”

“How are you feeling?” Hotch asked as Derek walked to your other side and smoothed down your hair.

“Tired. Sore. Hungry.”

“She won’t be able to eat anything for a while. I need her blood pressure to get up as well as her iron levels. Once that happens, she will be able to eat,” the doctor informed everyone.

“I’m staying with her here,” Spencer declared as he pulled up a chair next to your bed.

“I think that’s a good idea. The rest of us have paperwork to do. We’ll be back in the morning,” Hotch spoke as the rest shuffled out. “Oh, and Spencer, you need to get some sleep.”

“He can sleep here,” you offered groggily.

“Okay,” he nodded before leaving you and your boyfriend alone.

“I should have been there for you,” Spencer started to blame himself, but you cut him off.

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” he smiled tearfully before kissing the back of your hand. You knew your recovery process will be a long one, but with Spencer by your side, you could get through it.

********************************************************************************************

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[demigodsanswer]

Super depressed about the Lighting Thief closing on Broadway so decided to fuck around with some post-lighting thief fanfiction to make myself feel better 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Clarisse opened a window in her cabin, letting the late October air in. All of the other Ares girls had gone home for the school year, leaving her half of the cabin empty besides her. The dividing wall was thin, though, and she could hear her brothers messing around on the other side. She thought about enforcing a lights out, just to annoy them, but let them be. Her year-round brothers respected her enough. She had only been made cabin leader at the end of the summer, no matter what that stupid Jackson tried to pull. Her father had already sent her a new spear (sure, he sent a few threatening nightmares. But those stopped when Jackson caught him trying to start a war ... whatever. Doesn’t matter.) 

She rested her spear on her bed before sitting down to take off her boots. She barely had time to unlace one before she heard someone climbing in her window. She immediately had her spear pointed at her intruder. 

“Whoa, I come in peace.” Chris put his hands up and smiled. He was half way in half way out, with one leg dangling inside the cabin. Clarisse just rolled her eyes. 

“You trying to get me stable duty?” she whispered. Last thing she needed was for Sherman to start beating on Chris for being in her room after lights out. 

Chris had no sense of self preservation, though, when it came to her cabin. He had been friends with her since before she was claimed, when they shared a similar space on the Hermes cabin floor. Because he could get a laugh out of her and knew a few of her secrets he thought he didn’t have to be afraid of her or her siblings. Idiot. 

“Nah, just wanted to see if you wanted to go for a walk.” 

“A walk? It’s almost eleven.” She said. She was still whispering, he wasn’t. 

“Yeah, a walk.” He smiled again. “You scared? Don’t wanna get in trouble?” 

She knew it was a trap. She knew he knew how to play her, and questioning her bravery was exactly the way to do it. But still, she couldn’t let him win. 

“Fine,” she grabbed her spear, “you weirdo. Why?” 

He just shrugged, “Thought you’d look pretty in the moonlight.” She just scoffed and shoved him back out the window. He landed on his back in dirt. “You suck,” he said, sounding winded. 

“Don’t be such a baby,” she said, climbing out after him. She offered him a hand. 

“You gotta bring your spear on a walk?” he asked

“Who else is gonna defend you from harpies? I’ve seen you fight. I’m not impressed.” He laughed, but she wasn’t joking. 

“You wound me, Clary.” 

“Don’t call me that or I’ll poke you with my spear.” 

He just laughed, like he didn’t believe her, and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Whatever, Resse,” Okay, she didn’t mind that nickname too much. 

“So where are we walking?” She asked. 

“The hill.” 

“Why?”

Chris shrugged, “I already told you. And I was right, by the way. You look very pretty tonight.” 

She laughed, ���Shut up. Seriously.” 

Chris didn’t say anything. He just waited until the silence was uncomfortable and decided to just start asking about her day. They kept up small talk and mild insults until they reached the hill. 

When they got to the top of the hill, Chris cleared his throat. “So ...” 

"So ... what are we doing up here, Rodriguez?” He took a deep breath and wouldn’t look at her. “This better not be some stupid prank.”

“No, this isn’t a prank, I’m trying ... ugh ... I just want -” 

Clarisse stepped closer to him, “Use your words, weirdo,” 

Chris looked at her, but resolved to not use his words, putting a hand on her side, pulling her close, kissing her gently. Clarisse didn’t resist. She was thrown off, for sure, she didn’t think Chris actually liked her - hell, she didn’t even know if she liked him. She liked kissing him, though. But she had never kissed anyone before. Oh gods, what was she suppose to do with her hands? Not having a spear in one was probably Aphrodite’s first step in how to kiss. But before she could drop the spear, he pulled away. 

Clarisse bit her lip and pulled away, “Um ... oh.” 

“Was that ... um, I mean, was that okay,” He said. He still had his hand on her side. She was still standing close enough for him to kiss her again. 

She didn’t move, but she did smile. “Yeah, yeah that was okay.” 

He leaned in close, like he was going to kiss her again. One hand found its way into her hair. Her grip loosened on her spear, about to drop it in anticipation. But he didn’t kiss her. “Come with me,” he whispered before brushing their lips together again. Clarisse pulled back, out of his grip. 

“Wait, what?” He grabbed her free hand and tried to pull her in closer again, but she resisted. 

“Come with me.” He said, smiling, trying to convince her. 

“I don’t understand. Go where?” Her heart racing. Every cell in her filled with adrenaline, like they usually did before a fight. 

He pointed down the hill, and Clarisse looked down at a car, where some teenager with one eye was waiting. “Kronos’s army.” 

Clarisse sneered, and looked at their hands, still together, and touched her spear to his harm, forcing him to drop her hand. “Did you really think I’d go with you?” She pushed him hard, before punching his arm. “Is that the only reason you kissed me?” She asked, suddenly feeling very betrayed. Chris tried to dodge her fist, but she just scraped his arm with the tip of his spear, drawing some blood and sending shocked through his arm. “What? Kronos needs demigods stronger than you and you figured you could just -” 

“No! That’s not it, Clarisse! Listen, we have a chance to get back at them! Get back at your father for everything he’s done to you!” 

She lunched at him with her spear, but managed to get his hands on the non-electric staff. He tried to force it out of her hands, but she had the better grip, and more strength. He didn’t get it away from her, and she managed to twist it back to shock his left arm, forcing him to drop his left hand. She easily used her strength and anger to finally get it away from him. “You don’t get to use what my father’s done to me to justify this mistake!” 

“How could you say this is a mistake? After everything the gods have done?” 

She didn’t even try to hit him this time. “Kronos literally consumed his children! You think he’s gonna care about you any more than your dad?” She yelled at him. 

“Well I have to do something!” 

“Yeah you could stay here!” 

Chris shook his head, looking angrier than she’d ever seen him. He almost looked like one of her brothers, “Anything but that,” suddenly, though, his eyes were pleading. “Please, just come with me.” He pulled her in close. 

 She shook her head and frowned. She felt her self shaking with anger and disappointment. She pushed her way out of his embrace. “Did you honestly thing --? How dare you think that I would ever ... you stupid, dumb, idiot, traitor!” 

“Clarisse -” 

“Just go!” She yelled, pointed her spear at him again, “Go before I leave your body for the harpies.” Chris looked at her, his brown eyes were sad, like he was the one who had been betrayed. “Go!” She said, threatening to poke him with the spear, or worse. 

Chris turned and started to make his way down the hill alone. “Chris?” Clarisse said, before he was too far. He turned, looking stupidly hopeful. “If I see you in battle, I won’t hesitate to kill you,” she told him. He didn’t react, he just nodded. 

“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” he said. 

Clarisse looked at him again, her annoying friend who, half an hour ago had climbed in her bedroom window. “I hope I never see you again,” she said, before turning to make her way down the other side of the hill. 

She made it back to her cabin without any harpy sightings. She wanted to go to the arena and stab something, but they would find her there. She almost wanted to wake up Chiron and tell him what happened, or call her mom and cry about it. But she didn’t want to cry, not really. Not for him.  

Her bedroom window was still open. It was easier to go through there than risk waking up her brothers. 

She swung her legs inside, and slammed the glass closed behind her. 

It was too late in the season for open windows. 

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020!