#only partially based off me during my HS years

[planefood]

NZ Hatsune Miku but shes a Hawkes Bay bogan teenager

[swimfuel]

Hey!! The X-men are literally my favorite thing and I was wondering if you could elaborate on how Scott is a knight of doom

YES OF COURSE!!!! i'll put it under a cut since i tend to ramble a bit & i'm pulling a bunch of explanations from people smarter than i am

the knight weaponizes their aspect; they have an inherent understanding of their aspect that allows them to exploit it completely. doom is the aspect of systems, restrictions/limitations, sacrifices, and endings.

one of scott's core themes is reclaiming his restrictions in order to serve others/the greater good! he takes the possible liability that are his faulty powers and shifts them to become an advantage, largely through the strength of his restraint and discipline. his role as a tactician and the way he sees sacrifices (more on that later) also mesh EXTREMELY well with the knight of doom.

i feel like the Wh*don run (specifically astonishing x-men #22-23) really highlights how scott can turn a situation on its head through exploiting his disadvantages to the point where they become tactically advantageous!! like, let's count the ways:

the ship the x-men stole from kruun is obviously bugged, so his team won't be able to communicate without being overheard. he realizes this, and uses that restriction (being overheard) as an advantage, by falsifying their course of action.

he has been left "without his powers"—he presents a restriction that lowers the guard of his adversary and grants him entry to their home base. he then subverts this by exploding the shit out of everything when an opportune moment arrives

HE LITERALLY EXPLOITS DEATH...... HE EXPLOITS HIS OWN DEATH...................FOR THE GREATER GOOD..........DUDE???? someone get this man an advil

some more thoughts, followed by some examples by people smarter than me:

he exhibits a similar pattern of idolization/realization with xavier irt karkat/HICand dave/bro.... not sure if this by itself is a knight-y thing but i think the consistent disillusionment with their role in defending their aspect is interesting (aka knight burnout, more on that later)

he is def willing to sacrifice shit for the greater good of mutantkind. the shit in question sometimes being his closest friends and allies. the examples that stick out to me are how he allowed beast to get tortured (utopia era) while executing his plan to solve All His Problems At Once & also when he sent x-force to the future to defend hope knowing it was going to be a one-way trip

that entire issue revolving around just how GOOD scott is at self-repression😭😭😭 i'm pretty sure it's post-schism utopia era i don't remember the exact issue WAIT NVM i'm pretty sure it's uncanny #518

seeing phoenix!scott as an inversion to (rogue of) life is also an interesting concept (unchecked growth!)

the amount of responsibility he feels he has to take on (partially due to his idolization cycle w xavier/xavier's dream) is also both knight-y and doom-y

and of course the instinct to protect the people around him --> being expanded into the whole of mutantkind (which, in turn, expands his sense of obligation)

everything leading up to revolutionary cyclops is also very interesting through this framework because its reminiscent of the knights & doom players in hs! the "taking on an insane burden" (phoenix force, whatever whammied mituna) -> the "resignation to the fate handed to him by his aspect" (his stint in prison, dead daves, sollux in general) -> the "refusal to accept that fate" (prison break, dave not wanting to use time travel, sollux fucking off into the dreambubbles, karkat coming to terms w his relationship w leadership) --> experiencing knight burnout at the end of revolutionary era going into death of x

im not sure exactly how to put it into words but everything about his childhood/teenhood... like being surrounded by forces seeking to control him and use him for their own ends..... idk

(from @/land-of-classpects-and-analysis, sections highlighted red are of particular interest)

HIS GIANT STINKING MARTYR COMPLEX.....DUDE😭😭

side note & ive mentioned this before but scottjean is an interesting parallel to davejade in a way i cant verbalize

Then there are the ones who may accept [the fact of inevitable human suffering], and so choose to live in high alert of any danger - any threats - as well as living in fear of what harm may befall them and/or their loved ones. It is this third and final group of people that so deeply marks that of the Knight of Doom.

Now, this might cause a few eyebrows to become quirked. After all, a Knight? Being fearful of something - nevertheless that thing being related to their Aspect? Knights do often present themselves as ruthless and fearless warriors, yes, but that is only because their Aspects and the world around them raised and called them to act as such. 

... A key factor in the Knight’s life, specifically before their journey truly begins, is that they are already well equipped with their Aspect.

... The Knight of Doom is one where their Aspect being all around them is far more bittersweet than anything else.

... What is important to acknowledge is that the facade the Knight of Doom puts up is not only to hide the fear they have for their Aspect, but it is most definitely there to hide the grief and pain they have not yet completely finished going through. Whether it’s been weeks or years, the Knight of Doom is someone who would rather hide themself away from these feelings than find a way to truly mend and heal them ... they have built a false wall between them and their suffering strong and thick enough to partially block it from their memory. 

... Knights are known to become extremely stubborn whenever people try to order them around and pressure them into doing something, and the Knight of Doom is no different - especially if they believe what they are doing is for the greater good. 

(from @/dahniwitchoflight)

Dahni’s Explanantion: “Doom can be a negative force that rejects and harms, fostering a sense of hostility or sadness. But, it is also the idea that you can pull backwards and cautiously and wisely withdraw into your own self.  It can be the idea of Control taken from the sharp Black and White Restrictions that everything in the world gets sorted into. It understands community necessity and need, responsibly pulling back and lowering you down into its lap to help wind yourself down. Doom then is an ultimate gentle Equalizer, instilling its players with an internal sense of Acceptance and eventually true Wisdom.”

Knight of Doom: One who Exploits with Doom or Exploits Doom

Knights hide a fear of a perceived fundamental failure with their Aspect behind a shield of confidence and obsessive effort. Their challenge is to learn to take it down a notch and to understand that they are skilled enough

A Knight is very skilled with using the rules and limitations of any game or session to their advantage. They skillfully fulfill any responsibility or obligation required of them with ease. They might use their natural caution and pessimism to make realistic choices and endeavors. They use and exploit any rule or limit that they can to their advantage. They might also be very good at exploiting any sacrifices made or any obligation or responsibility that they are held to. They might be very good at avoiding any unnecessary thing or person and are very good at recognizing when something is too futile to even bother with.

Likewise they might only focus on the necessary things in their game or session so they are likely to not do much unless it’s absolutely necessary. They would very likely be very meticulous with themselves about following the rules properly and constantly restrict themselves, maybe thinking they aren’t following the rules properly enough or not following the right ones. They might sacrifice anything they consider unnecessary about themselves or the way they live, sometimes even going too far with it, in order to be considered or thought of as less useless. They’re always trying harder and holding themselves to extreme self-imposed standards.

They would likely wait for the opportune moment to strike, though they are slow to move or act, they always will when something necessary needs to happen. Out of all the Doom players, a Knight of Doom seems like the one most likely to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. A Knight of Doom can also expertly use and exploit fire, bombs and explosions to their advantage, maybe they create flashy distractions during fights. They might even use decaying or dying things to their advantage.

(from @/communistvriska)

Role in the Session: Rather like the Prince of Doom, this role’s title kinda has “edgelord” written all over it, but that’s not a set-in-stone character trait. The first thing that comes to mind re: what the Knight Class and the Aspect of Doom have in common is a strong sense of obligation. The Knight of Doom is bound to take their duties and responsibilities Extremely Seriously, perhaps rather too seriously at first ... Knights also tend to be very protective of both their Aspect as a concept, and of themselves and those close to them; while the Knight of Doom isn’t likely to be outwardly aggressive, given Doom’s reserved, slow-burn tendencies, woe betide those who try to deceive or confound the Knight or their allies. One of Doom’s internal contradictions (which I find personally fascinating) is that the aspect is associated both with cynical resignation and with a profound albeit restrained sense of passion and persistence. Doom is what’s left after everything else gets burnt away.

The Knight of Doom will likely be a very skilled combatant, as the Knight is a class strongly associated with Strife / battle, and Doom is one of the more overtly destructive Aspects. I’d put them in the Top 5 Roles to use a cool flamin sword, at least. They’re not going to be eager to fight, per se, but they’re not going to have much trouble scaling the echeladder when it comes to that either. Internally, they’re likely to struggle with a perceived (but largely imagined) inability to fulfill their duties, and they could well stumble once or twice in their quest to be perceived as reliable and stoic, or as someone who their friends can lean on. They’re probably doing more than enough already, but if they’re not careful they might overexert themselves and take on too heavy a burden, and they’re liable to be crushed by their own expectation that they face their challenges alone. This is going to factor into their capital-Q Quest and the environment of their planet, and will be the biggest obstacle in their path to Ascension. A Knight’s duty is to protect their co-players, but their co-players also have to support them.

[shemetan]

rapper hc part 1

hi guys!!! so i’ve had this idea in my head forever and just didn’t have anyone to share it with but i told hedy about it yesterday and she scammed me into creating tumblr acc and sharing it here lol but when i went to write it down i  realized that i have a lot more to share so it’s gonna be just the 1st part for now, which was the only thing i had in my mind originally but now i’m working on expanding it.

i have a lot of ideas from the songs and this is no exception. this time the inspiration was NF - an amazing rapper and song writer. his songs uncover so much trauma and the things he raps and sings about are so real for a lot of us that you can’t help relating to them. NF’s real name is Nathan which also played part in this idea. lyrics of the songs are what the hc is based on so please listen to the songs i mention and pay attention to the lyrics.

ok i don’t wanna waste more of your time bc the hc is big as it is so without further ado let’s dive into it. p.s. it’s the first time i do a thing like that so im sorry in advance for any inconsistencies or the general drama:)))

TW!! (everything is just mentioned, nothing too graphic) physical abuse, verbal/emotional abuse, alcohol, drinking, drug addiction, overdose, death from overdose, kidnapping, torture (beating, skin burning, cuts – all of it not descriptive), violence, breaking one’s own bones, putting bastards to prison. also NF’s lyrics got a lot of triggers and cover very serious issues so if you decide to listen to some more of his music be careful with that. some of the things mentioned in the songs i’ve used here: depression, grave digging, guns, blood (in a non-violent way).

neil’s story: he grew up in an abusive family. his father was drinking a lot and abused him physically and verbally saying that he was nothing and nobody and would not amount to anything in his life. he despised neil’s love for music and laughed at him. he also hit him more when he noticed anything related to neil’s passion (neil humming some melody or listening to music in his headphones or trying to create smth). his mother tried to protect him but she couldn’t do much bc of her drug addiction. she overdosed during his last year in hs and surprisingly left him some money. when Nathan found out about that he was enraged and beat the shit out of neil so he would give him that money. to run away from his father neil goes to university to study his passion – music. he’s always had some kind of knack for creating music and rapping and now he could explore it more and not be afraid of nathan. he tries to overcome his trauma and even makes some friends (the foxes).

during the freshman year andrew and neil spend a lot of time together. they find the reflections of their hurt in each other and they find understanding. they share some of their past and their traumas; their view of the world and their dreams. andrew feels like he is falling because he’s never met anyone like neil. slowly there are soft touches and furtive glances but neither is ready yet to cross that line.

neil seemingly gets better even though there are a lot of hard moments on the way. however at the end of his freshman year nathan finds him and he and his cronies kidnap and beat neil up for Mary’s money keeping him in the basement for several days. this money is all neil’s got to survive and build his life so he doesn’t say anything and thinks of the ways to run. im not good with making up torture techniques and nathan is not so imaginative here but they still leave neil with scars on his face, his torso and hands (mostly burns from cigarettes, iron, cuts from glass bottles). by the end of the third day neil is physically and morally exhausted so he gives up and transfers all the money to them (he’s got a little of it left on his other acc) and they drunk on their win leave him in the basement. he breaks his fingers to get out of the handcuffs and gets out through the small basement window and runs outside. not long after that he collapses from all the exhaustion and blood loss and someone notices him. they call the cops and the ambulance. after that nathan and his cronies are put into prison and neil is left with almost no money. he leaves the state and a year later with a lot of effort, practicing and self-advertising he successfully signs with a music label under the name N/A.

andrew’s story: tilda didn’t give him up but was a shitty mother (obv) with drug addiction. andrew and aaron’s parents were divorced and their father didn’t live with them but tried to be there when he could. andrew started creating music as an outlet bc tilda’s boyfriends were physically abusing him and he tried to protect aaron from that. he and aaron were close bc they only had each other but andrew still didn’t share his trauma with aaron trying to protect him from that hell. of course he was only a child and couldn’t always take aaron’s place in beating but most of it lay on him. while at hs they became a band with the help of nicky and performed with their songs were they could and tried to self-advertise and wymack (he’s the head of the music dep at uni and also one of the profs) noticed them and offered them partial scholarships. they had some money left after tilda’s overdose (they lived for some time with their father after her death) so they went to get actual education on music production (at this point I don’t care how plausible it sounds, just don’t think too much about it ok lol)

the story:

ok so nathaniel once went to uni with the foxes (is there such a major as music production and singing or smth?) but at the end of his freshman year he disappeared. he was not very sociable so no one really cared where’d he go except for the foxes with whom he became somewhat friends. 1-2 years later he pops up as a new young and very talented rapper named N/A and he’s got burn scars all over his face and hands which he doesn’t hide so very intriguing right??? nobody knows much about him and that his name stands for Neil Abram so they take it literally as ‘no data available’ or smth (hedy also proposed “not applicable”!). foxes are like WTF we know that guy!! and wymack is also like isn’t that nathaniel??

Andrew’s become a huge fan of neil’s music. only renee knows that andrew’s been listening to neil’s songs non stop bc he can relate so hard to them and they just hit him right where it hurts. at the end of their last year they have like a huge final concert or smth and wymack organizes it to be held in one of the palmetto clubs. at the same time neil is coming back to Palmetto bc he is nostalgic of the time he spent in the uni with the foxes and he wants to escape his real life for a moment. he wants to visit the city and reminisce and he believes that none of the foxes really remembers him bc he was a nobody. I know the plot is getting ridiculous but bear with me

so it’s the evening of the gig and the students perform their music (songs, instrumentals, as solos/duets/bands etc). andrew majorly produces rap songs at this point and he performs in duet with renee with their song (NF’s “Can you hold me”). everyone is like shit it was so good but then andrew performs his solo song (NF’s “How could you leave us”). aaron is standing there and is a fucking mess bc he never knew andrew was that affected by their past and their mother’s death bc he never showed it and didn’t ever want to talk about his issues. (be warned this is a heart-wrenching song and it fits fucking perfectly). after that andrew almost runs outside for a smoke, trying to light a cigarette with his shaking fingers and thats when he sees a strange all covered up figure in a black hoodie entering the club but also cautiously looking over their shoulder like they don’t want to be caught. andrew ever the protective one follows him but loses in the crowd of the low lit club. 10 mins later there is quiet and the figure goes on stage – obv its neil. “Intro III” starts playing.

andrew is in awe and he’s never heard this song before so it must be new. he also never saw neil perform live so he cant really move bc the performance is so powerful and magnetic. *neils sitting on one of the disconnected amplifiers in the dark and the music starts building up. At 2:00 of the song after the words “I mean, what are you, outta your mind? 'Cause both of us will be, come on, let's go outside!” he pulls off his hood, his movements are fierce and aggressive and he’s almost screaming in the mic. at words “You had me scared for a second, I thought we were diggin' my grave” theres his fathers smile, vicious, crazy and cruel – thats how he remembered it spending 3 days in that basement. (fyi in the song NF’s talking to his fear and they go back and forth).* 

andrew is mesmerized, the foxes are in shock, the whole crowd does not understand who that is but they watch with open mouths. the song ends and the crowd goes wild. that’s when neil starts talking.

“hello palmetto. this is a great concert you got and some of you guys are fucking talented. my name is neil and I used to go to PSU a long time ago so you prolly don’t know me but professor wymack out there let me come here on this stage and sing a couple of my songs for you. one of them is my old song, and another is new but they both tell my story and I hope you like’em”. 

people cheer and applaud and after a moment another song starts playing. its the one andrew knows (it’s Paralyzed). the atmosphere gets way calmer but everyone is just as hypnotized. during the chorus neil is standing under the dim lights, head turned up facing the ceiling, eyes closed, his scars are illuminated. he looks almost peaceful but there’s pain and apathy showing on his face and in his posture. the song ends and neil leaves the stage. andrew cant make his legs move but he has to meet neil (he just realized that neil’s shared his name with them and it wasn’t “nathaniel” and andrew’s got so many questions).

he forces himself to move and almost runs backstage. neil is already leaving but andrew stops him by grabbing him by his arm. they stand there looking at each other, andrew panting, his body shaking a little, neil wide-eyed.

“Andrew…” he whispers obviously surprised by seeing Andrew here.

“Nath- Neil.” suddenly Andrew cant ask a single question. he’s got so many that it feels like a waste of time to ask them one by one. Neil looks down at where Andrew is still grabbing his arm and Andrew lets go off him like its burnt him. “You are here” he lets out on the exhale like he still can’t believe it.

Neil averts his eyes and puts the hood of his sweater on his head so that the shadows obscure half of his face. “Yeah” he replies and after a few seconds follows with hesitant “How are you?” It is a stupid question, Andrew thinks but he answers nonetheless with simple fine. Neil holds his head low, and Andrew can’t help but wonder if Neil doesn’t wanna look him in the eyes after his disappearance so many years ago or if he simply doesn’t want to see Andrew’s face. Both options hurt him but he doesn’t have the heart to ask.

the end of part 1. come yell at me on twt or here hihi

[unproduciblesmackdown]

weird to think back on things like the funky experience of being The All A’s/B’s gang and then The All A’s person during middle school and the Smart Kid designation cuz we all have a godawful time within the k-12 education system and also in Higher Education / academia as well and the setup isn’t like, good for anyone though natch between the “lack of attention / occasional positive attention” and “frequent / negative attention” ends of the experience the former is preferable; apparently weird to have been Good Student passing b/c again idk i have good retention and could memorize shit in homeroom for a quiz that day and that was great b/c actually i had godawful / nonexistent study habits and actually basically hated school and did anything last minute and all but like whatever, i could figure out / understand and remember shit more efficiently / faster than usual so like, idk, i’d get wild results ig. and anyways yeah Smart Kid throughout all of k-12 but like, although i don’t think i’m Not smart in any way, it’s like, but no i hated school and never really tried, that inferred correlation wasn’t there but like also there’s the weird Presumed Identity for you. and it Was weird b/c idk i was like, okay? “perpetually nebulous / imprecise / uncertain sense of identity” gang out here and i’m like hmm okay Am i “the good grades getter?” and then apparently you are cuz like welp that’s the Expectation, and also in my case i was also in the “oops let’s minimize ptsd party” gang of Gotta Get As/Bs motivation..............the point is like, it’s funny how despite that concept of what The A’s Getter is, by now i’m like oh but that’s not even like, my Main Thing, much less my Whole thing. my main thing is that i get wildly interested and passionate about stuff and when i’m really about shit i’m So about it and into it and all that yknow. and it’s like, would be cool if i hadn’t had to like, first fight past this arbitrary Assigned Box to even start to figure out what i’m Really like. but Schools aren’t out here about like allowing for people to be varied individuals and shit. plus, weirdly i’m not sure if i hadn’t had that “Positive” Label to supplant any others that my autistic ass would’ve been largely left alone as much as it generally was............even I didn’t get through middle school w/o some light bullying peppered in there but hey for the most part i got by. and like, i remember 15 was a time for a wild Agonizing Spike cuz that was the point i was having to try to settle on a college major and i was like bitch i don’t know!!! for starters how is every 19 / 20 y.o supposed to know!!! but like litchrelly a year and a half ago my ass was in middle school and barely had any opportunities to individually choose what to pursue, and even if i Had an interest i would sometimes assume if it didn’t seem like The Smart Kid choice i would just assume that like, my interest would only be Allowed to go so far. so yeah i’m 14-15 for the first time having a little breathing room and allowed to pick out my own shit and investigate various stuff (cuz of the luck of getting to live on campus aka parents are Not around and i can be around for more than just Classes) and yet like, that wasn’t enough time to suddenly Fully Realize The Whole Of My Own Identity And What My Actual Passions And Life Goals And Etc Are. plus i kinda remember that i figured i’d flunk out and so was kinda Not spending freshman year expecting to actually be able to do this college thing.....so yeah i always distinctly remember the Stress of sophomore year with this Timer counting down of “gotta declare a major oh god” and trying somehow to Realize What I’m Even Like (i did partially lmao outside of the Academic aspect of it) and obviously like, that’s a Lot.......................plus it was kind of doomed anyways cuz i do remember that when i even mentioned the fact of like “hey what if i majored in ______ [cuz i’m evidently actually like thinking social issues are what i’m thinking i could dedicate my attention to, i’m 15 idk trying to figure this shit out]” and it got immediately brushed off cuz of my mom’s assumptions about what i was like based on my being Smart(tm) and my not wanting to tell my parents about anything Actually about myself by that point so that was like..........well cool to know that that’s not an option for me anymore thanks to immediate dismissal........................like i totally remember that by sophomore year i was def Swiss Idol and “i don’t have a clue what to major in” was a big part of that 9_9...............and like, doing college early is kinda crazy but also Not having high school to mayyyybe figure things out for a bit before hurtling towards Declare Major at 92384 mph is like, would it have helped? who can say. but for example, i know Now i’m a theatre gay, and the limited number of friends-ish i made at college was basically all theatre gays what a surprise, but i myself didn’t ever touch that because i had No direct experience with it, because middle school didn’t have that extracurricular, and then being dropped into hs with people who did? i was like fuck i’m not auditioning for shit i really don’t know how to do. i’m not even Supposed To Be Here goddamn!! i can karaoke avpm in the first floor lounge that’s IT!! fuckin r.i.p. but i mean also i Know high school is it’s own fuckin mess that’s hardly like “flourish as individuals!!” all a sudden. like how i don’t know if i’d’ve been “solid B’s” gang if i would’ve had more room to just figure out my own shit earlier, or if things would’ve been even More miserable cuz of my replacement Type being something more frowned upon cuz weird loser was def waiting in the wings............and then of course Smart Kid expectation constraints wasn’t hardly the only issue in holding back that “oh wait but what am i like *Actually*” process cuz if i was in high school i would’ve been around my parents every day and That was just as much if not more a hindrance in figuring myself out. like going to college may have been useful in that yes i did learn shit but if nothing else i am glad for it b/c the strides i made in “god damn i have to get away from these people (my parents lmfao)” and knowing at least that i’m not Like what THEY thought i was like was E ssen tial Knowledge..........but anyhow like the point of looking back on this shit isn’t to figure out How To Have Run The Perfect Course cuz obviously what’s the point in imagining as broad a what-if, but it’s good for Understanding shit currently..........like oh yeah this crap probably Affected me!! and you gotta know the history to understand the present...............it’s just really wild how like, Passion and (rarely activated) Energy And Intense Interest is like, what i consider my Thing now, and that was like. not what i ever heard anyone else tell me that’s what i’m Like, like, ever basically. i mean not that i don’t think i’m Not smart. it’s just like, not my whole thing and it just kinda feels more incidental, right. What If the whole time i’d been able to pursue whatever i felt like is a wiiiiiiiild question i don’t even know. there’s been so Little of that that’s its absolutely off the shits to be able to put together “oh right i’ve been a theatre gay all along” and “actually i Have performed on stage a decent number of times and supremely thrived in those experiences and i Know i was interested cuz i wished like (@ my family: dni)” and have this very simple (and thus far unusable) Knowledge about something i actually like and am interested in, cuz for the most part it’s [??? ?? ? ?? ???]

on a shorter but related note: the Camaraderie i feel with everyone in the “either has or wants to or would even seriously consider Cutting Ties with parent/s" gang and like, always very Interested in the various experiences within this v broad category. cuz there are so many factors playing into Why you’re in this group and then there’s so many factors in regards to whether someone actually feels able to ditch a ‘rent or two, and then beyond that, all the factors in whether someone’s actually able to............like, knowing that it’s never “lucky” to have to be in this group in the first place, i fairly am Lucky about it in many ways cuz, first of all, lucky to have been able to actually execute [eff off from parents] maneuver, and lucky to get to Know that’s what i totally needed to do........we are all Valide in how we try to deal with relations w/ parents that are so bad you even have to think about “maybe i have to Not Have This Person In My Life At All” and like, when people are dealing with that but Don’t feel they have the option to truly cut that parent or two out of their life, that’s like, well as someone who once felt that way and can Empathize and yet also had these Factors Line Up which let me peace out which aren’t factors that are in play for everyone (as well as a lack of other factors which Are relevant for others and which might mean Leaving Behind Parent/s 5eva isn’t an option they’d consider) it’s like Oh wow, let me hear more about that experience. tldr the camaraderie

oh and ps. it’s funny how like, in my post-being-in-school life, i thiiiiiiiink people usually probably assume i’m Kinda Dumb if anything. cuz the Grades don’t exist anymore but i’m still autistic!!!!! which is another wild factor in thinking about like “well what if [some aspect of my life] had been entirely different, hmmm” cuz it’s like. well i’d’ve still been autistic lmao..............the Social shit has like, been an issue even before the other usual shit in school cuz i Knew i wasn’t fitting in at preschool when all we were doing was like, learning colors and going outside. and it always was a bit distressing to me Never really having more than a couple friends and even then not that close or anything, right? and also how i’d try to Fix this with various strategies and trying out different situations like “oh well i’m not putting myself out there i’ll put myself out there” [tries it and it half-backfires] or “well if i’m spending a weekend with people who know me from Online they’re gonna like me for sure” [majority of ppl in a sub Friend Group i’m peripheral to and i’m intermittently stressed the whole time] “Ah Fuck” lmao and honestly only recently am i like oh right..............when you’re autistic socializing just in a very fundamental way is really like That*.................(*a way i can’t easily explain lmao)............like really just in mad recent times kind of realizing like, oh, okay, i don’t think i can ever Adjust My Approach and just suddenly become good at Easily Makes Friends and that kind of shit..............finally just kinda realizing like ohh right okay i really just do Not do “normal good conversation” like you’re supposed to and that’s just chill The Way It Is not necessarily “not good enough at it” way but It Just Is Different way like........yeah it can be Not Pointless to try to modify your social approach and that’s true for absolutely anyone, but like say, if i’m like oh if i simply get Better at [social interaction task] i will then finally be Good at it, it’s like, shit well that’s honestly just not how it works for me. like, #getting how after a point it’s like “okay learning to do [task] in a way that’s more [like this] is maybe gonna be better for Masking / seeming allistic but like, not for Actually giving me a social experience that’s more fulfilling for Me.” Plus, it’s like, i’m also way more (or okay at least As Much) socially limited by external factors, probably. 

pps oh and also, tangentially related b/c Autistique, it’s wild how every time you delve into (something At All specific about autism) you’ll probably learn something Utterly new about autism which is like god damn this isn’t That niche why haven’t i heard this!! why do i have to know there are 538 other would-be “i should already know this” revelations waiting for me about this topic cuz you have to manage to dig up this stuff on your own and dodge all the unhelpful bullshit types of sites where it’s Not about info from people / for people who are autistic? please. it’s almost like this is a constant and important part of my identity that affects p much every aspect of my life and is helpful to hear others’ info about the collective experience of it b/c like, it’s literally all in your own head and you can’t just somehow Know the ways you’re different in that realm just from emergent traits you can pick up on and figure out. ugh!!!! anyways

this is LONG but NO readmore b/c eh. who am i if not [i hope everyone hates my blog this week.jpg] every week