#only partially based off me during my HS years

[planefood]

NZ Hatsune Miku but shes a Hawkes Bay bogan teenager

[swimfuel]

Hey!! The X-men are literally my favorite thing and I was wondering if you could elaborate on how Scott is a knight of doom

YES OF COURSE!!!! i'll put it under a cut since i tend to ramble a bit & i'm pulling a bunch of explanations from people smarter than i am

the knight weaponizes their aspect; they have an inherent understanding of their aspect that allows them to exploit it completely. doom is the aspect of systems, restrictions/limitations, sacrifices, and endings.

one of scott's core themes is reclaiming his restrictions in order to serve others/the greater good! he takes the possible liability that are his faulty powers and shifts them to become an advantage, largely through the strength of his restraint and discipline. his role as a tactician and the way he sees sacrifices (more on that later) also mesh EXTREMELY well with the knight of doom.

i feel like the Wh*don run (specifically astonishing x-men #22-23) really highlights how scott can turn a situation on its head through exploiting his disadvantages to the point where they become tactically advantageous!! like, let's count the ways:

the ship the x-men stole from kruun is obviously bugged, so his team won't be able to communicate without being overheard. he realizes this, and uses that restriction (being overheard) as an advantage, by falsifying their course of action.

he has been left "without his powers"—he presents a restriction that lowers the guard of his adversary and grants him entry to their home base. he then subverts this by exploding the shit out of everything when an opportune moment arrives

HE LITERALLY EXPLOITS DEATH...... HE EXPLOITS HIS OWN DEATH...................FOR THE GREATER GOOD..........DUDE???? someone get this man an advil

some more thoughts, followed by some examples by people smarter than me:

he exhibits a similar pattern of idolization/realization with xavier irt karkat/HICand dave/bro.... not sure if this by itself is a knight-y thing but i think the consistent disillusionment with their role in defending their aspect is interesting (aka knight burnout, more on that later)

he is def willing to sacrifice shit for the greater good of mutantkind. the shit in question sometimes being his closest friends and allies. the examples that stick out to me are how he allowed beast to get tortured (utopia era) while executing his plan to solve All His Problems At Once & also when he sent x-force to the future to defend hope knowing it was going to be a one-way trip

that entire issue revolving around just how GOOD scott is at self-repression😭😭😭 i'm pretty sure it's post-schism utopia era i don't remember the exact issue WAIT NVM i'm pretty sure it's uncanny #518

seeing phoenix!scott as an inversion to (rogue of) life is also an interesting concept (unchecked growth!)

the amount of responsibility he feels he has to take on (partially due to his idolization cycle w xavier/xavier's dream) is also both knight-y and doom-y

and of course the instinct to protect the people around him --> being expanded into the whole of mutantkind (which, in turn, expands his sense of obligation)

everything leading up to revolutionary cyclops is also very interesting through this framework because its reminiscent of the knights & doom players in hs! the "taking on an insane burden" (phoenix force, whatever whammied mituna) -> the "resignation to the fate handed to him by his aspect" (his stint in prison, dead daves, sollux in general) -> the "refusal to accept that fate" (prison break, dave not wanting to use time travel, sollux fucking off into the dreambubbles, karkat coming to terms w his relationship w leadership) --> experiencing knight burnout at the end of revolutionary era going into death of x

im not sure exactly how to put it into words but everything about his childhood/teenhood... like being surrounded by forces seeking to control him and use him for their own ends..... idk

(from @/land-of-classpects-and-analysis, sections highlighted red are of particular interest)

HIS GIANT STINKING MARTYR COMPLEX.....DUDE😭😭

side note & ive mentioned this before but scottjean is an interesting parallel to davejade in a way i cant verbalize

Then there are the ones who may accept [the fact of inevitable human suffering], and so choose to live in high alert of any danger - any threats - as well as living in fear of what harm may befall them and/or their loved ones. It is this third and final group of people that so deeply marks that of the Knight of Doom.

Now, this might cause a few eyebrows to become quirked. After all, a Knight? Being fearful of something - nevertheless that thing being related to their Aspect? Knights do often present themselves as ruthless and fearless warriors, yes, but that is only because their Aspects and the world around them raised and called them to act as such. 

... A key factor in the Knight’s life, specifically before their journey truly begins, is that they are already well equipped with their Aspect.

... The Knight of Doom is one where their Aspect being all around them is far more bittersweet than anything else.

... What is important to acknowledge is that the facade the Knight of Doom puts up is not only to hide the fear they have for their Aspect, but it is most definitely there to hide the grief and pain they have not yet completely finished going through. Whether it’s been weeks or years, the Knight of Doom is someone who would rather hide themself away from these feelings than find a way to truly mend and heal them ... they have built a false wall between them and their suffering strong and thick enough to partially block it from their memory. 

... Knights are known to become extremely stubborn whenever people try to order them around and pressure them into doing something, and the Knight of Doom is no different - especially if they believe what they are doing is for the greater good. 

(from @/dahniwitchoflight)

Dahni’s Explanantion: “Doom can be a negative force that rejects and harms, fostering a sense of hostility or sadness. But, it is also the idea that you can pull backwards and cautiously and wisely withdraw into your own self.  It can be the idea of Control taken from the sharp Black and White Restrictions that everything in the world gets sorted into. It understands community necessity and need, responsibly pulling back and lowering you down into its lap to help wind yourself down. Doom then is an ultimate gentle Equalizer, instilling its players with an internal sense of Acceptance and eventually true Wisdom.”

Knight of Doom: One who Exploits with Doom or Exploits Doom

Knights hide a fear of a perceived fundamental failure with their Aspect behind a shield of confidence and obsessive effort. Their challenge is to learn to take it down a notch and to understand that they are skilled enough

A Knight is very skilled with using the rules and limitations of any game or session to their advantage. They skillfully fulfill any responsibility or obligation required of them with ease. They might use their natural caution and pessimism to make realistic choices and endeavors. They use and exploit any rule or limit that they can to their advantage. They might also be very good at exploiting any sacrifices made or any obligation or responsibility that they are held to. They might be very good at avoiding any unnecessary thing or person and are very good at recognizing when something is too futile to even bother with.

Likewise they might only focus on the necessary things in their game or session so they are likely to not do much unless it’s absolutely necessary. They would very likely be very meticulous with themselves about following the rules properly and constantly restrict themselves, maybe thinking they aren’t following the rules properly enough or not following the right ones. They might sacrifice anything they consider unnecessary about themselves or the way they live, sometimes even going too far with it, in order to be considered or thought of as less useless. They’re always trying harder and holding themselves to extreme self-imposed standards.

They would likely wait for the opportune moment to strike, though they are slow to move or act, they always will when something necessary needs to happen. Out of all the Doom players, a Knight of Doom seems like the one most likely to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. A Knight of Doom can also expertly use and exploit fire, bombs and explosions to their advantage, maybe they create flashy distractions during fights. They might even use decaying or dying things to their advantage.

(from @/communistvriska)

Role in the Session: Rather like the Prince of Doom, this role’s title kinda has “edgelord” written all over it, but that’s not a set-in-stone character trait. The first thing that comes to mind re: what the Knight Class and the Aspect of Doom have in common is a strong sense of obligation. The Knight of Doom is bound to take their duties and responsibilities Extremely Seriously, perhaps rather too seriously at first ... Knights also tend to be very protective of both their Aspect as a concept, and of themselves and those close to them; while the Knight of Doom isn’t likely to be outwardly aggressive, given Doom’s reserved, slow-burn tendencies, woe betide those who try to deceive or confound the Knight or their allies. One of Doom’s internal contradictions (which I find personally fascinating) is that the aspect is associated both with cynical resignation and with a profound albeit restrained sense of passion and persistence. Doom is what’s left after everything else gets burnt away.

The Knight of Doom will likely be a very skilled combatant, as the Knight is a class strongly associated with Strife / battle, and Doom is one of the more overtly destructive Aspects. I’d put them in the Top 5 Roles to use a cool flamin sword, at least. They’re not going to be eager to fight, per se, but they’re not going to have much trouble scaling the echeladder when it comes to that either. Internally, they’re likely to struggle with a perceived (but largely imagined) inability to fulfill their duties, and they could well stumble once or twice in their quest to be perceived as reliable and stoic, or as someone who their friends can lean on. They’re probably doing more than enough already, but if they’re not careful they might overexert themselves and take on too heavy a burden, and they’re liable to be crushed by their own expectation that they face their challenges alone. This is going to factor into their capital-Q Quest and the environment of their planet, and will be the biggest obstacle in their path to Ascension. A Knight’s duty is to protect their co-players, but their co-players also have to support them.

[bananiell]

rapper hc part 1

hi guys!!! so i’ve had this idea in my head forever and just didn’t have anyone to share it with but i told hedy about it yesterday and she scammed me into creating tumblr acc and sharing it here lol but when i went to write it down i  realized that i have a lot more to share so it’s gonna be just the 1st part for now, which was the only thing i had in my mind originally but now i’m working on expanding it.

i have a lot of ideas from the songs and this is no exception. this time the inspiration was NF - an amazing rapper and song writer. his songs uncover so much trauma and the things he raps and sings about are so real for a lot of us that you can’t help relating to them. NF’s real name is Nathan which also played part in this idea. lyrics of the songs are what the hc is based on so please listen to the songs i mention and pay attention to the lyrics.

ok i don’t wanna waste more of your time bc the hc is big as it is so without further ado let’s dive into it. p.s. it’s the first time i do a thing like that so im sorry in advance for any inconsistencies or the general drama:)))

TW!! (everything is just mentioned, nothing too graphic) physical abuse, verbal/emotional abuse, alcohol, drinking, drug addiction, overdose, death from overdose, kidnapping, torture (beating, skin burning, cuts – all of it not descriptive), violence, breaking one’s own bones, putting bastards to prison. also NF’s lyrics got a lot of triggers and cover very serious issues so if you decide to listen to some more of his music be careful with that. some of the things mentioned in the songs i’ve used here: depression, grave digging, guns, blood (in a non-violent way).

neil’s story: he grew up in an abusive family. his father was drinking a lot and abused him physically and verbally saying that he was nothing and nobody and would not amount to anything in his life. he despised neil’s love for music and laughed at him. he also hit him more when he noticed anything related to neil’s passion (neil humming some melody or listening to music in his headphones or trying to create smth). his mother tried to protect him but she couldn’t do much bc of her drug addiction. she overdosed during his last year in hs and surprisingly left him some money. when Nathan found out about that he was enraged and beat the shit out of neil so he would give him that money. to run away from his father neil goes to university to study his passion – music. he’s always had some kind of knack for creating music and rapping and now he could explore it more and not be afraid of nathan. he tries to overcome his trauma and even makes some friends (the foxes).

during the freshman year andrew and neil spend a lot of time together. they find the reflections of their hurt in each other and they find understanding. they share some of their past and their traumas; their view of the world and their dreams. andrew feels like he is falling because he’s never met anyone like neil. slowly there are soft touches and furtive glances but neither is ready yet to cross that line.

neil seemingly gets better even though there are a lot of hard moments on the way. however at the end of his freshman year nathan finds him and he and his cronies kidnap and beat neil up for Mary’s money keeping him in the basement for several days. this money is all neil’s got to survive and build his life so he doesn’t say anything and thinks of the ways to run. im not good with making up torture techniques and nathan is not so imaginative here but they still leave neil with scars on his face, his torso and hands (mostly burns from cigarettes, iron, cuts from glass bottles). by the end of the third day neil is physically and morally exhausted so he gives up and transfers all the money to them (he’s got a little of it left on his other acc) and they drunk on their win leave him in the basement. he breaks his fingers to get out of the handcuffs and gets out through the small basement window and runs outside. not long after that he collapses from all the exhaustion and blood loss and someone notices him. they call the cops and the ambulance. after that nathan and his cronies are put into prison and neil is left with almost no money. he leaves the state and a year later with a lot of effort, practicing and self-advertising he successfully signs with a music label under the name N/A.

andrew’s story: tilda didn’t give him up but was a shitty mother (obv) with drug addiction. andrew and aaron’s parents were divorced and their father didn’t live with them but tried to be there when he could. andrew started creating music as an outlet bc tilda’s boyfriends were physically abusing him and he tried to protect aaron from that. he and aaron were close bc they only had each other but andrew still didn’t share his trauma with aaron trying to protect him from that hell. of course he was only a child and couldn’t always take aaron’s place in beating but most of it lay on him. while at hs they became a band with the help of nicky and performed with their songs were they could and tried to self-advertise and wymack (he’s the head of the music dep at uni and also one of the profs) noticed them and offered them partial scholarships. they had some money left after tilda’s overdose (they lived for some time with their father after her death) so they went to get actual education on music production (at this point I don’t care how plausible it sounds, just don’t think too much about it ok lol)

the story:

ok so nathaniel once went to uni with the foxes (is there such a major as music production and singing or smth?) but at the end of his freshman year he disappeared. he was not very sociable so no one really cared where’d he go except for the foxes with whom he became somewhat friends. 1-2 years later he pops up as a new young and very talented rapper named N/A and he’s got burn scars all over his face and hands which he doesn’t hide so very intriguing right??? nobody knows much about him and that his name stands for Neil Abram so they take it literally as ‘no data available’ or smth (hedy also proposed “not applicable”!). foxes are like WTF we know that guy!! and wymack is also like isn’t that nathaniel??

Andrew’s become a huge fan of neil’s music. only renee knows that andrew’s been listening to neil’s songs non stop bc he can relate so hard to them and they just hit him right where it hurts. at the end of their last year they have like a huge final concert or smth and wymack organizes it to be held in one of the palmetto clubs. at the same time neil is coming back to Palmetto bc he is nostalgic of the time he spent in the uni with the foxes and he wants to escape his real life for a moment. he wants to visit the city and reminisce and he believes that none of the foxes really remembers him bc he was a nobody. I know the plot is getting ridiculous but bear with me

so it’s the evening of the gig and the students perform their music (songs, instrumentals, as solos/duets/bands etc). andrew majorly produces rap songs at this point and he performs in duet with renee with their song (NF’s “Can you hold me”). everyone is like shit it was so good but then andrew performs his solo song (NF’s “How could you leave us”). aaron is standing there and is a fucking mess bc he never knew andrew was that affected by their past and their mother’s death bc he never showed it and didn’t ever want to talk about his issues. (be warned this is a heart-wrenching song and it fits fucking perfectly). after that andrew almost runs outside for a smoke, trying to light a cigarette with his shaking fingers and thats when he sees a strange all covered up figure in a black hoodie entering the club but also cautiously looking over their shoulder like they don’t want to be caught. andrew ever the protective one follows him but loses in the crowd of the low lit club. 10 mins later there is quiet and the figure goes on stage – obv its neil. “Intro III” starts playing.

andrew is in awe and he’s never heard this song before so it must be new. he also never saw neil perform live so he cant really move bc the performance is so powerful and magnetic. *neils sitting on one of the disconnected amplifiers in the dark and the music starts building up. At 2:00 of the song after the words “I mean, what are you, outta your mind? 'Cause both of us will be, come on, let's go outside!” he pulls off his hood, his movements are fierce and aggressive and he’s almost screaming in the mic. at words “You had me scared for a second, I thought we were diggin' my grave” theres his fathers smile, vicious, crazy and cruel – thats how he remembered it spending 3 days in that basement. (fyi in the song NF’s talking to his fear and they go back and forth).* 

andrew is mesmerized, the foxes are in shock, the whole crowd does not understand who that is but they watch with open mouths. the song ends and the crowd goes wild. that’s when neil starts talking.

“hello palmetto. this is a great concert you got and some of you guys are fucking talented. my name is neil and I used to go to PSU a long time ago so you prolly don’t know me but professor wymack out there let me come here on this stage and sing a couple of my songs for you. one of them is my old song, and another is new but they both tell my story and I hope you like’em”. 

people cheer and applaud and after a moment another song starts playing. its the one andrew knows (it’s Paralyzed). the atmosphere gets way calmer but everyone is just as hypnotized. during the chorus neil is standing under the dim lights, head turned up facing the ceiling, eyes closed, his scars are illuminated. he looks almost peaceful but there’s pain and apathy showing on his face and in his posture. the song ends and neil leaves the stage. andrew cant make his legs move but he has to meet neil (he just realized that neil’s shared his name with them and it wasn’t “nathaniel” and andrew’s got so many questions).

he forces himself to move and almost runs backstage. neil is already leaving but andrew stops him by grabbing him by his arm. they stand there looking at each other, andrew panting, his body shaking a little, neil wide-eyed.

“Andrew…” he whispers obviously surprised by seeing Andrew here.

“Nath- Neil.” suddenly Andrew cant ask a single question. he’s got so many that it feels like a waste of time to ask them one by one. Neil looks down at where Andrew is still grabbing his arm and Andrew lets go off him like its burnt him. “You are here” he lets out on the exhale like he still can’t believe it.

Neil averts his eyes and puts the hood of his sweater on his head so that the shadows obscure half of his face. “Yeah” he replies and after a few seconds follows with hesitant “How are you?” It is a stupid question, Andrew thinks but he answers nonetheless with simple fine. Neil holds his head low, and Andrew can’t help but wonder if Neil doesn’t wanna look him in the eyes after his disappearance so many years ago or if he simply doesn’t want to see Andrew’s face. Both options hurt him but he doesn’t have the heart to ask.

the end of part 1. come yell at me on twt or here hihi

[unproduciblesmackdown]

weird to think back on things like the funky experience of being The All A’s/B’s gang and then The All A’s person during middle school and the Smart Kid designation cuz we all have a godawful time within the k-12 education system and also in Higher Education / academia as well and the setup isn’t like, good for anyone though natch between the “lack of attention / occasional positive attention” and “frequent / negative attention” ends of the experience the former is preferable; apparently weird to have been Good Student passing b/c again idk i have good retention and could memorize shit in homeroom for a quiz that day and that was great b/c actually i had godawful / nonexistent study habits and actually basically hated school and did anything last minute and all but like whatever, i could figure out / understand and remember shit more efficiently / faster than usual so like, idk, i’d get wild results ig. and anyways yeah Smart Kid throughout all of k-12 but like, although i don’t think i’m Not smart in any way, it’s like, but no i hated school and never really tried, that inferred correlation wasn’t there but like also there’s the weird Presumed Identity for you. and it Was weird b/c idk i was like, okay? “perpetually nebulous / imprecise / uncertain sense of identity” gang out here and i’m like hmm okay Am i “the good grades getter?” and then apparently you are cuz like welp that’s the Expectation, and also in my case i was also in the “oops let’s minimize ptsd party” gang of Gotta Get As/Bs motivation..............the point is like, it’s funny how despite that concept of what The A’s Getter is, by now i’m like oh but that’s not even like, my Main Thing, much less my Whole thing. my main thing is that i get wildly interested and passionate about stuff and when i’m really about shit i’m So about it and into it and all that yknow. and it’s like, would be cool if i hadn’t had to like, first fight past this arbitrary Assigned Box to even start to figure out what i’m Really like. but Schools aren’t out here about like allowing for people to be varied individuals and shit. plus, weirdly i’m not sure if i hadn’t had that “Positive” Label to supplant any others that my autistic ass would’ve been largely left alone as much as it generally was............even I didn’t get through middle school w/o some light bullying peppered in there but hey for the most part i got by. and like, i remember 15 was a time for a wild Agonizing Spike cuz that was the point i was having to try to settle on a college major and i was like bitch i don’t know!!! for starters how is every 19 / 20 y.o supposed to know!!! but like litchrelly a year and a half ago my ass was in middle school and barely had any opportunities to individually choose what to pursue, and even if i Had an interest i would sometimes assume if it didn’t seem like The Smart Kid choice i would just assume that like, my interest would only be Allowed to go so far. so yeah i’m 14-15 for the first time having a little breathing room and allowed to pick out my own shit and investigate various stuff (cuz of the luck of getting to live on campus aka parents are Not around and i can be around for more than just Classes) and yet like, that wasn’t enough time to suddenly Fully Realize The Whole Of My Own Identity And What My Actual Passions And Life Goals And Etc Are. plus i kinda remember that i figured i’d flunk out and so was kinda Not spending freshman year expecting to actually be able to do this college thing.....so yeah i always distinctly remember the Stress of sophomore year with this Timer counting down of “gotta declare a major oh god” and trying somehow to Realize What I’m Even Like (i did partially lmao outside of the Academic aspect of it) and obviously like, that’s a Lot.......................plus it was kind of doomed anyways cuz i do remember that when i even mentioned the fact of like “hey what if i majored in ______ [cuz i’m evidently actually like thinking social issues are what i’m thinking i could dedicate my attention to, i’m 15 idk trying to figure this shit out]” and it got immediately brushed off cuz of my mom’s assumptions about what i was like based on my being Smart(tm) and my not wanting to tell my parents about anything Actually about myself by that point so that was like..........well cool to know that that’s not an option for me anymore thanks to immediate dismissal........................like i totally remember that by sophomore year i was def Swiss Idol and “i don’t have a clue what to major in” was a big part of that 9_9...............and like, doing college early is kinda crazy but also Not having high school to mayyyybe figure things out for a bit before hurtling towards Declare Major at 92384 mph is like, would it have helped? who can say. but for example, i know Now i’m a theatre gay, and the limited number of friends-ish i made at college was basically all theatre gays what a surprise, but i myself didn’t ever touch that because i had No direct experience with it, because middle school didn’t have that extracurricular, and then being dropped into hs with people who did? i was like fuck i’m not auditioning for shit i really don’t know how to do. i’m not even Supposed To Be Here goddamn!! i can karaoke avpm in the first floor lounge that’s IT!! fuckin r.i.p. but i mean also i Know high school is it’s own fuckin mess that’s hardly like “flourish as individuals!!” all a sudden. like how i don’t know if i’d’ve been “solid B’s” gang if i would’ve had more room to just figure out my own shit earlier, or if things would’ve been even More miserable cuz of my replacement Type being something more frowned upon cuz weird loser was def waiting in the wings............and then of course Smart Kid expectation constraints wasn’t hardly the only issue in holding back that “oh wait but what am i like *Actually*” process cuz if i was in high school i would’ve been around my parents every day and That was just as much if not more a hindrance in figuring myself out. like going to college may have been useful in that yes i did learn shit but if nothing else i am glad for it b/c the strides i made in “god damn i have to get away from these people (my parents lmfao)” and knowing at least that i’m not Like what THEY thought i was like was E ssen tial Knowledge..........but anyhow like the point of looking back on this shit isn’t to figure out How To Have Run The Perfect Course cuz obviously what’s the point in imagining as broad a what-if, but it’s good for Understanding shit currently..........like oh yeah this crap probably Affected me!! and you gotta know the history to understand the present...............it’s just really wild how like, Passion and (rarely activated) Energy And Intense Interest is like, what i consider my Thing now, and that was like. not what i ever heard anyone else tell me that’s what i’m Like, like, ever basically. i mean not that i don’t think i’m Not smart. it’s just like, not my whole thing and it just kinda feels more incidental, right. What If the whole time i’d been able to pursue whatever i felt like is a wiiiiiiiild question i don’t even know. there’s been so Little of that that’s its absolutely off the shits to be able to put together “oh right i’ve been a theatre gay all along” and “actually i Have performed on stage a decent number of times and supremely thrived in those experiences and i Know i was interested cuz i wished like (@ my family: dni)” and have this very simple (and thus far unusable) Knowledge about something i actually like and am interested in, cuz for the most part it’s [??? ?? ? ?? ???]

on a shorter but related note: the Camaraderie i feel with everyone in the “either has or wants to or would even seriously consider Cutting Ties with parent/s" gang and like, always very Interested in the various experiences within this v broad category. cuz there are so many factors playing into Why you’re in this group and then there’s so many factors in regards to whether someone actually feels able to ditch a ‘rent or two, and then beyond that, all the factors in whether someone’s actually able to............like, knowing that it’s never “lucky” to have to be in this group in the first place, i fairly am Lucky about it in many ways cuz, first of all, lucky to have been able to actually execute [eff off from parents] maneuver, and lucky to get to Know that’s what i totally needed to do........we are all Valide in how we try to deal with relations w/ parents that are so bad you even have to think about “maybe i have to Not Have This Person In My Life At All” and like, when people are dealing with that but Don’t feel they have the option to truly cut that parent or two out of their life, that’s like, well as someone who once felt that way and can Empathize and yet also had these Factors Line Up which let me peace out which aren’t factors that are in play for everyone (as well as a lack of other factors which Are relevant for others and which might mean Leaving Behind Parent/s 5eva isn’t an option they’d consider) it’s like Oh wow, let me hear more about that experience. tldr the camaraderie

oh and ps. it’s funny how like, in my post-being-in-school life, i thiiiiiiiink people usually probably assume i’m Kinda Dumb if anything. cuz the Grades don’t exist anymore but i’m still autistic!!!!! which is another wild factor in thinking about like “well what if [some aspect of my life] had been entirely different, hmmm” cuz it’s like. well i’d’ve still been autistic lmao..............the Social shit has like, been an issue even before the other usual shit in school cuz i Knew i wasn’t fitting in at preschool when all we were doing was like, learning colors and going outside. and it always was a bit distressing to me Never really having more than a couple friends and even then not that close or anything, right? and also how i’d try to Fix this with various strategies and trying out different situations like “oh well i’m not putting myself out there i’ll put myself out there” [tries it and it half-backfires] or “well if i’m spending a weekend with people who know me from Online they’re gonna like me for sure” [majority of ppl in a sub Friend Group i’m peripheral to and i’m intermittently stressed the whole time] “Ah Fuck” lmao and honestly only recently am i like oh right..............when you’re autistic socializing just in a very fundamental way is really like That*.................(*a way i can’t easily explain lmao)............like really just in mad recent times kind of realizing like, oh, okay, i don’t think i can ever Adjust My Approach and just suddenly become good at Easily Makes Friends and that kind of shit..............finally just kinda realizing like ohh right okay i really just do Not do “normal good conversation” like you’re supposed to and that’s just chill The Way It Is not necessarily “not good enough at it” way but It Just Is Different way like........yeah it can be Not Pointless to try to modify your social approach and that’s true for absolutely anyone, but like say, if i’m like oh if i simply get Better at [social interaction task] i will then finally be Good at it, it’s like, shit well that’s honestly just not how it works for me. like, #getting how after a point it’s like “okay learning to do [task] in a way that’s more [like this] is maybe gonna be better for Masking / seeming allistic but like, not for Actually giving me a social experience that’s more fulfilling for Me.” Plus, it’s like, i’m also way more (or okay at least As Much) socially limited by external factors, probably. 

pps oh and also, tangentially related b/c Autistique, it’s wild how every time you delve into (something At All specific about autism) you’ll probably learn something Utterly new about autism which is like god damn this isn’t That niche why haven’t i heard this!! why do i have to know there are 538 other would-be “i should already know this” revelations waiting for me about this topic cuz you have to manage to dig up this stuff on your own and dodge all the unhelpful bullshit types of sites where it’s Not about info from people / for people who are autistic? please. it’s almost like this is a constant and important part of my identity that affects p much every aspect of my life and is helpful to hear others’ info about the collective experience of it b/c like, it’s literally all in your own head and you can’t just somehow Know the ways you’re different in that realm just from emergent traits you can pick up on and figure out. ugh!!!! anyways

this is LONG but NO readmore b/c eh. who am i if not [i hope everyone hates my blog this week.jpg] every week

[tardisgirlepic]

Ch. 14: Doctor Mysterio Analysis Part 1: Finally Made Canon – A Huge, Quick, Vital Reveal

TRODM was a huge subtext episode, and it helped clarify some questions I’ve had.  Even though we got a major reveal of an ages-old subtext issue (very exciting), as with all episodes, many things aren’t happening like what they appear.  For example, when the spaceship was crashing, the screen went orange, then black.  What really happened there?  There’s so much to talk about, but it’s going to take several chapters to sort out.

In this chapter, I’m going to show you the dialogue reveal that’s been foreshadowed for years, as well as 2 of the best episodes that foreshadowed the reveal.  Then, I’ll show you a variety of subtext techniques foreshadowing the reveal in TRODM, itself, as well as from all the nuWho Doctors.  Before all of this, though, I will go over a few things and also give you some really quick updates of on my pre-airing conclusions and hypotheses, like Clara, the elephant, and the bottle, because we always need to review them in light of new information.

On Peter Capaldi leaving Doctor Who

I’m very sad about Peter Capaldi leaving.  I wish he would reconsider.  The new showrunner tried to talk Capaldi out of leaving, but to no avail.

I was prepared for him leaving after watching TRODM.  I felt that the Doctor’s speech at the end about things coming to an end was not just for Lucy’s and Grant’s sake, but for the audience, as well.  It highly suggested to me that his time as being the Doctor would be ending during the Christmas 2017 episode.  I hoped I was wrong.

The best I can hope for now is that he is leaving at a time that is organic to the story. Regardless, I’m grateful to him for portraying the growth of the Doctor, and propelling me to see the amazing story that is the Doctor’s. 

TRODM answered several questions for me, like where are we at in the subtext story after a year hiatus. The huge, quick reveal spoke volumes.

The enemy won’t be easy to defeat, so the season finale should be quite explosive.  And it’s why, in part, I’m betting some old cast members have to come back.  (The empty containers in the big “C” room support this.)  It’s also a chance to bring back Classic Who people to show how this story ties into the original series.

Some Reasons Why It’s Complicated

Capaldi’s Doctor is the most complicated of them all, and here are some reasons why:

·      The 12th Doctor is the culmination of several storylines

·      The story is non-linear, especially with the 12th Doctor helping to time lock the Time War before we saw his regeneration.  He is playing multiple roles in more challenging ways.  I’m including his character in Pompeii, who was actually the Doctor, living as a human.

·      12 o’clock is a time for transformation in many horror stories and fairytales

·      The 12th Doctor is going through the Great Work and is changing without regenerations, so it’s harder to see that upon integration with a companion, he has a newborn consciousness.

·      He is the composite of multiple integrations with companions in an arc, rather than just an episode.

·      He is a three-fold man (3 hidden faces)

·      His timeline is going backwards

Surface Viewing Vs. the Story Below

I’ve read copious reviews and comments about the episode.  There were quite a few complaints or comments that TRODM had only a couple of ties to the rest of DW through Nardole and the mention of River, including her name and the Darillium metaphor of 24 years.  Even Moffat had to perpetuate this myth and said the episode wasn’t very connected to the main story because on the surface, it really doesn’t look that way.  This is one of those very subtext-heavy, character-driven episodes.  And it’s absolutely essential to the rest of the long story.

I hope you got more out of TRODM, knowing how it connected to the Great Work and to Grant, who was, indeed, a metaphor for the Doctor.

And it’s because of the Great Work that the reveal happened.  It’s part of an ongoing plan (a rescue mission) that was mentioned in the 10th and 11th Doctor episodes, “The End of Time” and “The Beast Below,” respectively. 

And then there’s Missy’s plan, too.  Is she at odds with the other plan?  I’ll show you how this all fits together in the next set of chapters, so you can see the real story of the Doctor.

 Nardole’s Promise and the Promises I Presented

I find it really interesting (especially since I had done the same in Chapter 10) that at the end of the episode, Nardole gives Grant, Lucy, and, therefore, us a promise that the Doctor will be all right.

GRANT: Are you sure he's going to be all right?  NARDOLE: Hmm. He's the Doctor. He's very brave and he's very silly and I think, for a time, he's going to be very sad. But I promise, in the end, he'll be all right. I'll make sure of it. Bye!

It comes down to the same reason why I felt a need to give you promises from the subtext that everything would be all right for the Doctor.  He is far from all right.  His whole universe is collapsing in on him. 

It may not look that way on the surface, but that’s typical.  After all, he went hell bent through the universe.  He was the angry Sun burning the universe, and the solar flares across time represent him.  However, he is also the Star Whale who hears the children crying, who stops burning like a Sun, and who comes to rescue the people. 

The baby monitor in TRODM represents this.  The Doctor near the end of TRODM has moved to the red stage of the Great Work (no more Sun) and disarms Brock, but hears Jennifer crying on the baby monitor.  He doesn’t have time to deal with Brock, except disarm him.

And while Mr. Huffle was cute (my family and I laughed a lot), the toy was the silliness hiding the really dark truth of the Doctor’s real torture. 

I do want to note that just because it looked like the Doctor in TRODM moved to the red stage of the Great Work, it doesn’t mean he will stay there.  In fact, it was just symbolic of Grant and Lucy’s alchemical marriage, foreshadowing what is to come for the Doctor.  We may very well see him flip back and forth between the Sun and red stages, as required by episodes.

 Quick Look at Some Pre-airing Conclusions and Hypotheses

TRODM is the first time I’ve actually examined clips and images frame by frame before an episode aired. It was quite helpful because as I was viewing the episode, I already knew some of the metaphors and dialogue, so I could concentrate on other details, like catching the reveal the first time. 

I went through the exercise of examining things in great depth to show you how I evaluate the composition of an image or clip.  While we lacked the context of the entire episode, it did afford an opportunity to show you details that I thought might be important.  And that’s part of the key to learning to read subtext.  Things that may not look important by themselves become very important in the context of the whole.

 The Process of Learning to Read Subtext

The process of learning to read DW subtext is a never-ending job.  As I peel layers off the onion, things I never noticed before catch my eye. Or I’ve noticed them but have no clue or only a hypothesis of what they mean.  As I watch new episodes or go back and review old ones, I see new information to keep in mind, create hypotheses, test, and come to conclusions.

Some symbols show up years earlier, but there’s not enough evidence to come to any conclusion about or even a hypothesis until finally something shows up.  I’ll show you some examples of symbols that showed up in the 9th Doctor’s episodes that didn’t get defined until the 12th Doctor.  The new information requires going back through the old episodes to create hypotheses, test, and hopefully come to conclusions.  It’s a very iterative process.

 Conclusions Vs. Hypotheses

Here are my definitions of conclusions vs. hypotheses.  My conclusions are based on plenty of evidence in the subtext, so I’m quite certain about them.  For example, people with the title of Doctor and one other characteristic that matches the Doctor are mirrors (light or dark) of the Doctor, such as Dr. Sim. Regardless of the type of mirror, they tell us something about the Doctor.  This holds through all of nuWho and all the Classic Who that I’ve seen. (Patterns require at least 3 pieces of evidence.)

If I don’t have enough evidence to be sure of what is happening or will happen, then my ideas are hypotheses.  For example, Clara showing up in TRODM was a hypothesis.  As I said, I couldn’t predict when, just that she had to.

However, I am still maintaining my conclusion that Clara has to show up because the Great Work is all about enlightenment and becoming whole.  It means waking up fully, so no more repressed memories or trauma.  No more lies.  (It’s why Lucy told the Doctor in TRODM to “keep it real.”)  If Clara doesn’t show up, it will be a slap in the face to what the Great Work stands for.

 Things that changed in final aired version from clips and images

·      The Harmony Shoal lettering swimming across the TARDIS was blurred

·      The Doctor’s and Lucy’s shadows coming down the HS stairs were slightly changed

·      Dr. Sim’s dead body had no eyes

·      Some of the photos didn’t show up, like Nardole eating tulip stems and the big, green bottle in daylight

 Things that didn’t go as hypothesized:

·      Clara, of course, didn’t show up yet.

 Things that were partially correct:

·      There are 36 brains + 1 brain of Dr. Sim’s involved in the vault.  I said there had to be at least 24 Doctors, which is true. However, I also said there would be some multiple of 24 Doctors because the 10th Doctor’s episode was called “Midnight.” I will explain why there are 37 brains in a few minutes.  There are, indeed, more than 12 Doctors involved.  There are three 12th Doctor’s running around.  We’ll look at this later.

·      While the big green bottle didn’t show up like I thought it might (the photo we saw in daylight wasn’t in the episode), the bottle does have huge implications for what is happening to the Doctor

·      Nardole is not just the Doctor’s psyche, he is so much more

·      The elephant has several meanings (2 things did get voiced, but there may be 1 or 2 others, based on the episode.  And one of which may still be Clara and the Doctor.)

·      We looked at the kitchen scene where Grant drops his glasses to the table, which has an inverse reflection, telling us the scene wasn’t as it looked, even the Doctor.  Of course, I mentioned the kitchen represented Clara, which I still think it does, but we can’t know yet if that is right or wrong.  However, what was a correct conclusion was that the Doctor was tied to his desire to be with someone he loved.  It’s also true that nothing that was in the inverse reflection was as it looked, even the Doctor.

 Things hypothesized/predicted that haven’t happened yet:

·      Clara will show up.

·      The insectoid’s full identity or who is controlling all of this

 Things that went as hypothesized/predicted:  (still need to become cannon or have become cannon)

·      Grant is a mirror of the Doctor, showing us the Doctor’s unactualized potential and various aspects of the Doctor’s childhood (Time Lords do have “super powers” as specified in Classic Who and shown in subtext, as well as text, in nuWho.  We did see, for example, some of the Master’s super powers in “The End of Time” parts 1 and 2.  We’ll go over those in a later chapter.)

·      The Doctor has been mind controlled and is waking up via the Great Work to the truth of what he was made to do.  He has to undo what he did.  This is reflected in Dr. Sim having a “change of mind” and the revelation of the enemy.

·      Grant is a kinder, gentler Great Intelligence, which means the Doctor has become the GI (which also has been in the subtext for years.  We’re now just seeing things from the opposite side of the war.)

·      Dr. Sim is a dark mirror of the Doctor, although the definition of “dark” depends on one’s side of the war, which we’ll talk about

·      The Doctor has actualized what we saw in Danny Pink

·      The superhero and Doctor are part of bombs (the Doctor is inside and Grant is holding it up)

·      Fears were talked about with Grant (although they were minimized).  There are some important things here that we’ll talk about because the Doctor still has fears that he has to address.

·      The Doctor’s eye issues came to light again, so the red-tipped white cane metaphor did hold, but much more is foreshadowed.

·      The bars on the fire escape and the cage do tell us that the Doctor is imprisoned, and poking his head out and Grant getting out is continuing evidence for this rescue to occur

·      The metaphor about giants does hold up with the red carpet square and the strange TARDIS camera shot before the camera angle changes and the Doctor opens the door showing a red glow inside the TARDIS.  Integration – moving from the Sun (yellow) stage to the red stage.

·      The big “C” structure with the brains is an eye of sorts.  The one brain in the jar showed its eyes when Mr. Brock tapped on the glass.  I have a hypothesis on what it really is that we’ll go over at a later time.

·      The weird diagonal lines of light with gaps on Nardole’s forehead (shown in part of a clip not aired) did foreshadow that Nardole had a scar – having been a part of the shoal.  The Doctor cut him out of Hydroflax.

·      Clara and River, along with Amy and Rory, show up in multiple ways in the subtext

·      I still see the kitchen as Clara

·      We do see part of whom is behind the curtain in the Land of Oz, which comes back to the reveal, but the subtext specifies more people.

 If I’ve left anything out, it’s unintentional.  Let me know. It’s important to revisit everything as a subtext exercise.

 The Big Canon Reveal

I’ll show you the dialogue reveal and then a few of the copious subtext examples from all the nuWho Doctors that foreshadowed the reveal.  You’ll see how DW uses some different techniques in the subtext to foreshadow events.

 The Doctor Vs. Himself Made Canon

In TRODM the big reveal of the Doctor battling himself occurred in one line of dialogue (actually one word) that the Doctor said in the Tokyo branch of Harmony Shoal.  http://www.chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/36-0.html

JAPANESE MAN: You're not supposed to be in here.  DOCTOR: I know, it's terrible. Sorry, I'm doing everything I can to stop me.

Finally!  After years of subtext, we have in canon that the Doctor is battling himself.  He now realizes how he was used during the Time War because he is becoming conscious (enlightened) and seeing the truth of what he’s been made to build.  Harmony Shoal is still a metaphor for what is really happening.  However, the Doctor is healing due to the Great Work and much closer to the truth.

I want to stress that the Doctor battling himself is part of the rescue plan, which I’ll show you in a future chapter.  

Downplaying Canon

As is typical, TRODM downplayed this reveal (one word of dialogue with little action against the villains by the Doctor himself) for a couple of reasons.  First, downplaying reveals hides them in plain sight, which is one of several common techniques that DW uses to divulge canon.  Second, the story needed to focus on the love story – the integration of Lucy and Grant.  This integration foreshadows the Doctor’s 4th and final alchemical marriage to the Mother of God consciousness or the Christ consciousness.  Third, TRODM needed to give us more subtext about the Doctor’s youth and adolescence because the Doctor’s timeline is going backward.

What hasn’t been made cannon is actually the scope of this war.  To me, it seems quite insignificant the way TRODM portrayed it, but it isn’t. I’ll show you the scope when we examine the symbols showing the reveal.

 Examples from Several Episodes that Foreshadowed the Reveal

While “The Return of Doctor Mysterio” actually has multiple scenes that foreshadowed the reveal, before we look at them, I want to show you several examples from 2 different Doctors. The Doctor battling himself isn’t new. However, his awareness of the situation is, and how he is battling himself is.

 “Tooth and Claw” & “Deep Breath” Best Foreshadowed the Reveal

We’ll examine a bunch of examples of foreshadowing from various episodes at the bottom of this chapter. For now, though, we’ll take a look at what I deem 2 of the best episodes for foreshadowing the reveal. 

My criteria are that the Doctor is shown as the monster he is fighting, and he is not converted back in the episode.  If he gets converted back, we lose the sense that this is a long-term issue.  While “Nightmare in Silver” has the best imagery, shown below, of the Doctor fighting himself as the Cyber Planner, he gets converted back in the episode, or so it seems.  The fight is going on in his mind.

“Deep Breath,” the first episode of the 12th Doctor, has the best example of dialogue and imagery in one scene regarding the foreshadowing for the reveal of the Doctor battling himself.  “Tooth and Claw,” a 10th Doctor story, is arguably the next best example of foreshadowing because of the long-term ramifications.  However, while it doesn’t have the dialogue, the imagery corroborates the subtext in “Deep Breath” and gives a different example of how subtext is presented.

 The Half-faced Man: a Metaphor for the Doctor

In “Deep Breath” near the end of the episode, the Doctor confronts the half-faced man while in the hot air balloon gondola.  It’s clear the Doctor is comparing himself (replacing body parts, including faces, during regenerations) to the half-faced man (replacing his parts, organic and mechanical).  In fact, he says there’s nothing original left of both himself and the cyborg. Additionally, he’s comparing both of them to a broom, a cleanup tool.

Usually, character mirrors aren’t so well defined in both text and images, but Moffat is making multiple points.  First, he is spelling out, first through dialogue and then through the imagery, whom the Doctor is at this point.  The episode gives us an outline of how the Doctor became a ghost, and what will happen to him in the end.  (I’ll go over that in a later chapter.)  Also, one of several other things that Moffat is telling us is that we have to pay attention to patterns, comparisons, and reflections through the Doctor’s conversation and actions with the half-faced man.

DOCTOR: You are a broom. Question. You take a broom, you replace the handle, and then later you replace the brush, and you do that over and over again. Is it still the same broom? Answer? No, of course it isn't. But you can still sweep the floor. Which is not strictly relevant, skip that last part. You have replaced every piece of yourself, mechanical and organic, time and time again. There's not a trace of the original you left.

(The Doctor holds up a silver platter between himself and the half-faced man. The cyborg takes it and looks carefully.)

DOCTOR: You probably can't even remember where you got that face from.

(The camera angle changes, and the cyborg brings his own reflection into focus.)

If we have any doubt what is being said, the added imagery provides the substantial proof.

Looking again at the first image, notice how this image is reversed from what we would expect.  It’s the Doctor’s ghostly reflection that is a hidden face for the cyborg because, once again, we don’t see Capaldi’s actual figure, except for his reflection.  The ghost refers to several things, including what the Doctor was before he was transformed into an instrument of war.  The person he was died, which is why I said we haven’t seen who he really is yet.  He’s been trying to put himself back together.

 Again looking at the above photo, it appears that the cyborg has an extra hand attached to his coat lapel, although it’s the prosthesis from his right hand.  This is probably a Classic Who reference to the Hand of Omega. (We’ll talk about this in a later chapter because it’s a huge connection to a hypothesis I have.)  

In the previous chapter, I said that while the Doctor rarely shows any damage, except in subtext, but his mirrors show it in text.  Here is proof of that.  Dr. Sim and Nardole are more examples.

Looking again at the second image below, we see that the cyborg has a hidden face because of the reflection.  However, there is another important point here that Moffat wants us to see.  We don’t need the above image or dialogue to tell us who the hidden face is.  Notice the platter covers half the Doctor’s face – the left side – matching the cyborg’s mechanical side.  This image, itself, tells us that half of the Doctor’s face is a hidden half-faced man (or something that makes him a hybrid).  Therefore, the cyborg’s hidden face is the Doctor.

 Continuing on the theme of decapitated heads and abnormal eyes, the top of the reflection’s head is missing, and the area where his eyes would be is blurred.  (Here’s more subtext suggesting no eyes or being blind.  There are disturbing things that continue this blindness theme in TRODM beyond our pre-airing analysis, which we need to examine.)

Anyway, the two photos give us some of the most concrete examples of subtext foreshadowing within an image because of what the half-faced man represents.  In addition to being a mirror, a face of the Doctor, the half-faced man is a controller, so part of the Doctor is the controller of a bunch of other cyborgs.

To give us more reinforcement of the subtext, the Doctor, who normally doesn’t fight physically, is physically fighting the half-faced man in the image below.   It’s the Doctor vs. himself.  

And it mirrors the “Nightmare in Silver” image below.  The human-looking side is fiery and emotional, while the blue side suggests a stabile but cold side.  This image suggests he is fire and ice.

 And that is consistent with what young Latimer said in “The Family of Blood” when he brought back the Doctor’s watch with the Doctor’s Time Lord consciousness in it.  Joan asked Latimer why it scared him to bring the watch back.

LATIMER: Because I've seen him. He's like fire and ice and rage. He's like the night and the storm in the heart of the sun.

DOCTOR: Stop it.

LATIMER: He's ancient and forever. He burns at the centre of time and he can see the turn of the universe.

DOCTOR: Stop it! I said stop it.

LATIMER: And he's wonderful.

 “Tooth and Claw”

Many times in the subtext, the Doctor is some type of machine, like a cyborg or Dalek. However, in “Tooth and Claw,” which is a 10th Doctor episode set in Scotland, the Doctor comes face to face with a werewolf.  This episode gives us some ideas for the backstory for the Doctor’s transformation.  We’ll talk about this in a future chapter. 

In “Tooth and Claw,” Rose and some other people get locked in a cellar with a young, caged man whose eyes look possessed.  While he indicates everyone should be silent, Rose persists in asking him questions. His human body is Scottish-born, but monks stole him as a child (similar to Melody Pond’s abduction) for his cultivation, and an alien called the Host has possessed him.  According to the young man, the alien entity “carved out his soul and sat in his heart,” causing the man to turn into a werewolf during a full moon.  The monks wanted the werewolf to bite the Holy Monarch to begin the Empire of the Wolf.

This represents the start of Bad Wolf, which showed up in the 9th Doctor’s season, as well as several 10th Doctor episodes, and “The Day of the Doctor,” the 11th, 10th, and War Doctor episode.

Anyway, this example below reinforces the concept of how the placement of beings and objects to one another is important.  It’s similar to the image of the platter with the cyborg’s reflection covering half the 12th Doctor’s face.  BTW, the 10th Doctor is playing the 12th Doctor here.  (I’ll show you the metaphors, explaining how to tell in a future chapter.)

This is a striking image, showing the Doctor and werewolf on opposite sides of the wall with their faces pressed against it, like 2 sides of the same coin.  The right side of the Doctor’s face is in the light.  However, on the other side of the wall is the werewolf, whose face is mostly shadowed except for highlights on the left side of his face.  

 One initial reading of the subtext in this image alone could be that the light side of the Doctor is good, while the dark, beastly side is bad.  It’s easy to jump to this conclusion, but we can’t do that.  This initial impression would be a hypothesis that we would have to prove or disprove. http://www.chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/28-2.htm

 WEREWOLF: Look. Inside your eyes. You've seen it too.

ROSE: Seen what?

WEREWOLF: The Wolf. There is something of the Wolf about you.

 So the werewolf and Bad Wolf are connected to Rose, who saves the Doctor over and over using Bad Wolf, the wolf side.  Is saving the Doctor bad?

We know the Doctor has a dark side, and this image above symbolizes it.  But does dark have more than one meaning? 

What’s important to note is that the image and episode suggest that the dark part of the Doctor is actually the alien possessing him (that’s a hypothesis that we’ll discuss in the future), but we can’t conclude that dark is bad if it leads to saving the Doctor.  Unless saving the Doctor is a bad thing.

One more thing to compare, looking back at the half-faced man, the light, although a little difficult to tell, is shining on the right side, the mechanical side.  This doesn’t match the light/dark patterns on the wolf, so we have to consider why.  That is something we’ll have to examine later.

 TRODM Foreshadowed the Reveal

There are several scenes where the reveal is foreshadowed in TRODM, some of which are more complicated.  There are also other symbols that foreshadowed the reveal, but I’ll save them for another chapter.  We’ll look at the simplest foreshadowing first with the brains before looking at the light/dark patterns and inverted faces.  

 The Brains

We hear 2 important numbers in the scene with the Doctor and young Grant on the roof, when the Doctor asks about Grant’s age.  (We’ll talk about the number 8 later.)

DOCTOR: Oh! You swallowed it. You can't go round swallowing things. What age are you, 36?  YOUNG GRANT: Eight.

When numbers come up, we need to take note of them and determine if they are important.  They often are. 

Many times, if I don’t understand the importance of a number or specific object, I figure it out later, but that honestly can take years.  In fact, I figured out more about the Doctor’s face blindness through the number 36, but I’ll leave the lengthy explanation for another chapter.

Dr. Sim mentions there are 36 brains when he and Brock check on the brains in the big “C” room.

SIM: Sir, the first time I came in here, I counted twenty-four specimens. The second time I counted, there were thirty. Now there are thirty-six. BROCK: Well, I guess they've got the space. SIM: You don't understand. There have been no deliveries. I checked it. Some of these brains, sir, they just... ..arrived.

So 12 more brains somehow arrive, which Sim can’t account for.  Twelve is always an interesting number.  In this case, the 12th Doctor shows up at the same time that 12 brains do (in 2 sets of 6s).  No coincidences.

The 36 brains in the big “C” room represent 36 Doctors.  Most likely, the 36 brains represent the 3 hidden faces of the Doctor.

Since the Doctor is battling the brains, he is battling himself.

There’s also Sim’s brain, shown below, which has no fluid, no nourishment, so it has to die.  At the end, we see Sim’s dead body with no eyes. The creature in his body moved on to possess someone else.

Shedding More Light on Foreshadowing & Dr. Sim’s Change of Mind

The light/dark patterns of the Doctor/werewolf and Doctor/half-faced man aren’t the only examples of light/dark foreshadowing in DW.  In fact, TRODM uses them several times.

 Light/Dark Patterns & Upside-down Faces and Scenes

Before I show you the foreshadowing, let’s examine why I showed you upside-down faces and light/dark patterns from TRODM clips before TRODM aired.

It’s not uncommon for faces to be more shadowed on one side than another.  The character may be, for example, standing next to a window with one side facing the sunlight.  So how do we tell when light and dark areas on a face are important?  The easiest answer is: when there’s something unusual about them. 

Upside-down faces and scenes scream something unusual, so we need to sit up and take notice of them. When a character or scene is shown upside down, it most likely is telling us that the subject is somehow opposite from what our normal understanding is.  Of course, we have to look at what that means in the context of the episode and/or series.  It could mean, for example, a change of mind or something that looks like it’s going one way is really going the opposite, like a good character becoming mind controlled or someone who looks like they’re not in control may actually be the controller.

The best thing to do is to ask yourself why something is upside down.  What’s different?  The answer is not always apparent right away.  In the scope of a long-lived program, such as DW, it can take awhile to figure out, playing out over many episodes or even years.  Or the scope of possibilities can be so large that it’s nearly impossible to understand the full implications.  I still have questions that I consider.  But we don’t need to understand everything in the subtext fully. We just need to understand the gist of things.  The really important thing is that you keep this upside-down aspect in mind and look for patterns.

Especially light and dark patterns on and surrounding upside-down faces.  

 Re-examining Our Pre-Airing Views of the Upside-down Doctor & Dr. Sim

Before TRODM aired, we looked at why Dr. Sim would be a dark mirror of the Doctor, which is true, although we’ll need to examine the meaning of “dark” in the future.  Sim is the pilot of a spaceship and has the title of “Doctor” just like the Doctor.  (From the full episode, we also learn Dr. Sim is a scientist like the Doctor.)  However, we also examined two images of upside-down people with opposite light/dark facial patterns.  One from the Doctor in “Deep Breath.”

And one from a TRODM clip, showing Dr. Sim’s much brighter upside-down face.  Dr. Sim’s and the Doctor’s patterns are reversed.  Note, however, this image wasn’t aired.  

Instead, we saw a more shocking sight in the aired version shown below.  No eyes and dead!  This is significant because Dr. Sim is a dark mirror of the Doctor.   We’ll come back to this when we examine eyes and blindness. The important thing right now is that his light/dark pattern is the opposite of the Doctor in “Deep Breath.”

The Upside-down Doctor in the Aired Episode

Near the beginning of TRODM, the Doctor is caught in a trap of his own making.  He is hanging upside down and swinging outside young Grant’s window before he stops himself.  The light/dark pattern on the Doctor’s face is very similar to what we see with Dr. Sim’s dead body at the end of the episode.  The light is coming from the right in both cases.  However, the left side of the Doctor’s face is almost totally shadowed versus Dr. Sim’s partially shadowed left side of his face at the end of the episode.

 Then, the Doctor turns upside-down once again after young Grant swallows the gemstone and takes off flying with the Doctor hanging onto Grant’s ankles.  Notice now how the pattern of light and dark areas on the Doctor’s face has switched sides.  Also, the darkness is not very dark.  (This is all very important, and we’ll explore why later.)

Now the Doctor’s light and dark facial pattern is the opposite of Dr. Sim’s dead body, although the Doctor’s dark areas are still lighter than Dr. Sim’s. 

Of special note is the comparison of the Doctor’s 2 upside-down images in this episode.  It’s striking how light the dark side of the Doctor’s face is as he’s flying compared to the opening upside-down shot of him at the window.

Also of note is his “Deep Breath” image vs. when he’s flying.  While the Doctor’s facial pattern (light on the left and darker on the right) as he’s flying matches his “Deep Breath” light and dark sides, the striking difference is how light everything is in TRODM vs. everything in “Deep Breath.”

There is one similarity between the 2 images that might seem striking.  The darker side of the Doctor’s face in “Deep Breath” is the darker side of the latest upside-down image in TRODM.  The light/dark pattern is the same.  A lot has happened to him in 2 seasons, so what’s going on?  This is something we’ll examine later.

 Why Does Grant Swallowing the Gemstone & Flying Affect the Doctor?

Before the episode aired, we examined how Grant was going to be a mirror and an unactualized version of the Doctor, just like Danny Pink was back in Season 8, which is all true.  Therefore, things that affect Grant are really affecting the Doctor, too, so he’s changing along with Grant.  The Doctor is changing his future from his past, just as the 11th Doctor did in “A Christmas Carol.”  (We’ll take a look at this a lot more in depth later, because this is the heart of the long story.)

Grant is never upside down in this episode, unlike the Doctor.  However, to test our hypothesis that Grant and the Doctor are mirrors, we have to look at Grant’s light/dark patterns and see them switch sides.  But where do we look?  Pulling out random light/dark patterns and comparing them is comparing apples to oranges, which won’t, most likely, give us the right information.

We have to find the place where we are comparing apples to apples.  Older Grant is in bed at the opening of the episode, and so is young Grant when we first see him.

Here’s older Grant sleeping, but the image is a little deceiving.  While the left side of his face is lighter in this image, in reality the light and dark patterns are not static when you watch the scene.  They whirl over his face, changing patterns.  However, the right side of his face is somewhat darker most of the time as it’s farther away from the window, although at points his whole face is in the light.  I just wanted to point this out to compare our apples to apples, and the non-static patterns tell us something, too, which we’ll look at later.

 In this first image of young Grant, he opens his eyes, and the left side of his face is almost totally in shadow while the right side is toward the window.  Please note that this image is a little darker than in the episode and bluer.  Check it out in the episode.

When Grant shifts his eyes toward the window at the Doctor swinging upside down, the left side of Grant’s face lightens a bit, enough to see the outline of Grant’s cheek.  When Grant looks away from the window again, the left side of his face darkens.  (Please note that this image is a little darker than in the episode.)  This is our first hint that the Doctor and Grant are connected.

 The window locations were purposely placed to shine light on opposite sides of young and older Grants’ faces to show how the gemstone changed the light/dark pattern. 

However, for more proof of how the gemstone affects Grant, let’s look at him flying since we looked at the Doctor flying.  The light/dark facial pattern is very similar to older Grant, so we can see how the gemstone has changed the pattern on both Grant and the Doctor.  Also, the dark part of Grant’s young face is not completely dark like we first saw with him.

 Is the gemstone good or bad for Grant and the Doctor?  It’s part of the rescue plan.

 The Light/Dark Patterns & Dr. Sim’s Change of Mind

Dr. Sim has a change of mind in TRODM, which is really abrupt and without context of the main story. However, it’s understandable when we consider that Dr. Sim is, indeed, a dark mirror of the Doctor.  Dr. Sim’s change of mind is symbolic of the Doctor changing sides in this war.

The problem is that in reality the Doctor didn’t just change sides without a good reason. 

We’ve already seen that the Doctor’s change of mind was due to the Great Work.  He has been waking up to the truth that he has been a slave for a long time (I’ll show you how later) and has been used in terrible ways (some of which will come to light in Season 10, but I highly doubt that the darkest things will become canon).  Now, through the Great Work, he’s aware of what’s happened for the most part but still needs to remember Clara and is fighting against what the enslavers made him do. 

In Chapter 13, I wrote, “At this stage [rubedo], the Doctor realizes his life has been a deception (all that unconsiousness), and he goes about fixing things according to his newborn illuminated understanding.”

That means he’s also fighting against himself and everything he helped create. 

There is a lot of symbolism in just this seemingly simple switching of light/dark patterns and the darkness, itself.  All of this tells us several things, the first of which has to do with how Dr. Sim, Grant, and the Doctor are related. 

Some meanings of the light/dark patterns:

·      Consciousness/unconsciousness

·      Freedom/slavery (possession)

·      Life/death

·      Love and hope/anger, hatred, fear, rejection, and other negative emotions

·      Side of war the person is on

·      Change of mind

 On the Doctor Seeing the Truth of What’s Happened

We’ve seen how the Great Work has brought enlightenment and a lot of truth to the Doctor about his situation.  However, in case people aren’t familiar with the Great Work, there are 2 other ways (neither one is pleasant) spelled out in DW that also give the Doctor the ability to see the absolute truth.  It’s very common that subtext concepts are repeated in different ways.

 The Brilliant & Unloved See the Truth

We examined how the gyroscope with the arrow through it in “Human Nature” represented love unbalancing the Doctor.  

However, I’ll show you why the love story is absolutely necessary in a future chapter.

In “Silence in the Library” (River’s 1st episode), Evangelista is the butt of jokes and the first to die and get uploaded to the computer.  Donna also ends up inside the computer.  In the second part of the two-part episode, “Forest of the Dead,” Donna and Evangelista meet in virtual reality. Donna pulls Evangelista’s veil off and screams.

 DONNA: So why do you look like that?

EVANGELISTA: I had no choice. You teleported. You're a perfect reproduction. I was just a data ghost caught in the Wi-Fi and automatically uploaded.

DONNA: And it made you clever?

EVANGELISTA: We're only strings of numbers in here. I think a decimal point may have shifted in my IQ. But my face has been the bigger advantage. I have the two qualities you require to see absolute truth. I am brilliant and unloved.

Brilliant, clever people are metaphors for the Doctor, so Evangelista is a mirror of the Doctor. Because of this, I have always hypothesized that the Doctor would have to be disfigured in some way.

Evangelista is also a mirror of Vastra, who wears a veil and has brought up disfigurement.  (There’s more to Vastra than it appears.) 

Regarding TRODM, the Doctor is seriously suffering.  He is brilliant and feels unloved since River died, and he can’t remember much about Clara. Also, he’s been betrayed, imprisoned, and tortured.  (Mr. Huffle represents even more torture.)  Very sadly, he has lost everything and gone mad.  Also, he is self-destructing.  While he sees most of the truth, he has become unbalanced in a different way.  He is suicidal, and that comes up multiple times in TRODM, but this is nothing new for him.  Clara has had to intercede multiple times, reminding him to live.   The self-destruction/self-sacrifice theme is a big one with the 12th Doctor all through his arc, and we’ll take a look at that more in depth. 

 Only Madmen See the Path Clearly through the Tangled Forest

In the 7th Doctor Classic Who episode “Ghost Light,” the Doctor spoke about a man who clearly had gone mad: 

DOCTOR: Only the madmen may see the path clearly through the tangled forest.

It’s common to hear the Doctor call himself the madman with a box, but we’re seeing a whole new level of madness with him.  His crazed look in this image below is frightening.  He’s gone completely mad, which is part of the reason why Nardole and I mentioned promises.

 In Chapter 8, we saw how the Doctor had gone mad because that’s what the “Sleep No More” title of the weird sandmen episode from Season 9 meant.  We also examined that going mad due to sleep deprivation was also foreshadowed in the 11th Doctor episode “The Big Bang.”  In it the Doctor told Rory (mirror for the 12th Doctor) he would go mad protecting Amy (in the Pandorica) for 2000 years.  Lack of sleep did come up again in TRODM with adult-looking Grant wearing himself thin.

But those aren’t the only episodes that foreshadowed the madness.  “Vincent and the Doctor,” where Amy and the 11th Doctor meet Vincent Van Gogh, is crucial to look at to help understand what is going on. Vincent is a metaphor for the 12th Doctor, as spelled out in the subtext in multiple ways within the episode itself as well as “The Lodger.”  I’ll just show you the image we’ve looked at before.

 Craig, as we’ve seen, is a metaphor for the 12th Doctor.  Therefore, Vincent Van Gogh, whose picture is on Craig’s refrigerator, is also a metaphor for the 12th Doctor.  (BTW, Vincent and Craig both have doughnut magnets on their photos, which means they are doorways.  I’ll explain that when I talk about the significance of fish.)

Vincent, who went mad, was the only one who could see the invisible monster plaguing a village and killing people.  He does accidentally kill the monster as the Doctor and Amy watch.  Therefore, we can hypothesize that the 12th Doctor is the only one who can see some of the monsters. 

We saw Vincent go the maddest at the beginning of “The Pandorica Opens,” where Rory comes back to life as a mind-controlled, plastic Roman.  Vincent saw the TARDIS exploding.  The TARDIS here is a metaphor for the Doctor’s wife, as the episode “The Doctor’s Wife” suggests, where we see a personified TARDIS in the body of the human woman. 

We examined in an earlier chapter how Amy announced her pregnancy and was ill in the same episode, “The Impossible Astronaut,” that River felt ill.  Amy and River are connected in more ways that the text suggests. River is a hidden face of Amy, and we’ll examine that in a different chapter.

But there’s another connection between Amy and River in connection to Vincent’s madness on seeing the TARDIS exploding in that episode.  Both Amy and River are dying in “The Pandorica Opens.”

Plastic duplicate Roman Rory is mind controlled and kills Amy in the “The Pandorica Opens,” while River is inside an exploding TARDIS that gets time looped.

 Weaponizing the Doctor

There are numerous examples of the Doctor battling himself or having a monster mirror, but below I want to show you at least one example from each Doctor.  Through these examples, I’ll show you that the subtext shows all the nuWho Doctors have been transformed into something we consider the Doctor’s enemy.  

 “The Next Doctor”

This example comes from “The Next Doctor,” one of the last 10th Doctor’s stories where Jackson Lake (water name related to Pond and River) thinks for most of the episode that he is the Doctor.  (He actually is a mirror of the 12th Doctor.)

This image below is a reflection in a mirror of the 10th Doctor in a fight.  Check out the camera angle too, so we know things aren’t what they seem.  The Doctor has 2 hidden faces, where one is a Cyberman, and they are battling each other.

 This image reinforces a strange event that occurs early in the episode after Lake introduced his companion, Rosita, to the Doctor.   The Doctor responds very briefly in a strange mechanical voice, and Rosita gives him a funny look.  

 “Closing Time”

In “The Lodger” from Season 5, we see Craig Owens, who is a metaphor for the Doctor (especially the 12th Doctor), and Sophie finally declare their love and kiss to stop the time loop. (Technically, this isn’t a 12th Doctor story, but it does have a connection to the 12th Doctor and TRODM.)

In Season 6, Craig has a baby named Alfie (meaning sage, wise) but the 11th Doctor says the baby wants to be called “Stormaggedon, Dark Lord of All.” 

Later, Craig tries to help the 11th Doctor, but Cybermen capture Craig.  Check out this Cyberman with the scar, which is a metaphor of the scar-faced people in TRODM.

 The process to convert Craig into a Cyber-Controller begins, deleting his emotions while encasing most of his body in metal.  The image below shows Craig before the helmet seals itself shut.

Moments later, the Cyberman announces the upgrade is complete.

However, Alfie’s cries re-awaken Craig’s emotions after a few seconds.  The helmet reopens and Craig gets free. In fact, his emotional feedback destroys the Cybermen.

 The Making of a Dalek

I’m not saying the Doctor is a Dalek, but there is a lot of subtext that says he is part Dalek or associated with the Daleks, like being a puppet of them.  There are also the Time Lord stories of the Hybrid – half Time Lord and half Dalek. 

The term “Dalek” is used, at times, as a metaphor.  Here’s an example from “The Name of the Doctor.”  After Clara wakes up from a dream conference with Vastra, Jenny, Strax, and River, she finds the Doctor blindfolded. 

DOCTOR: Oh. Mister Maitland went next door, so I said I'd look after the kids. They wanted to go to the cinema, but I said no. I said no, not until you wake up. I was very firm. CLARA: At which point they suggested Blind Man's Buff. DOCTOR: Yes. Where are they? CLARA: At the cinema. (She removes his blindfold.) DOCTOR: The little Daleks.

As far as real Daleks go, what’s important is how a Dalek is made.  Subtract love, add anger.

The 9th and 12th Doctors were angry when they started out, but their companions made them better. 

So the Doctor having a Dalek mirror can potentially be a metaphor for

·      Starting out angry and without love  

·      Being part Dalek or having Dalek tech installed in him

·      Being controlled by Daleks whether a puppet or not

·      Being a trickster

·      Being an enemy of people who seemed like friends to the Doctor in the past.  For example, the Doctor has now switched sides in the war and is throwing off imprisonment.  He is now like a Dalek to his jailers, as he is The Ghost – the most dangerous man in the universe.

 “Dalek”

Interestingly, in “Dalek,” a 9th Doctor story, Rose and the Doctor end up in a museum of alien hardware.  Before we see the Dalek, we see this image of the Doctor with a reflection of a Cyberman’s head superimposed on the Doctor.  This suggests the Doctor is a Cyberman or a cyborg of some type.

 The billionaire owner of the museum then finds out the Doctor is an alien and tortures the Doctor. Once the owner learns of the Doctor’s 2 hearts, he wants to patent them.

We also see a Dalek being tortured to get it to talk, but it tells Rose (who is the only kind human it knows) the torturers still fear it.  The Dalek is also believed to be the only one of its kind left.  This all makes the Dalek a mirror of the Doctor.  BTW, anytime a being is the only one of its kind left, it’s a metaphor for the Doctor.

 In fact, the Dalek says it and the Doctor are the same, which makes the Doctor angry.  At first, he disagrees, but then he agrees and tortures the Dalek.  This Dalek is not a normal Dalek.  It not only has a personality and cares about Rose, but it requests pity from the Doctor.

At least part of the Dalek’s story really mirrors the 12th Doctor’s.  The Doctor, like the Dalek, is imprisoned and tortured to get him to talk because Rassilon fears the coming of the Hybrid.  Then, the Doctor, like the Dalek, goes mad, wants his freedom, and is suicidal.  Also, just as the Dalek doesn’t harm Rose because she shows it kindness, Cyberman Danny Pink doesn’t harm Clara.

But that’s not all, the Dalek’s backstory has a basis in the Doctor’s backstory, but we’ll examine that in the future.

 “Amy’s Choice” & the Dream Lord

“Amy’s Choice,” an 11th Doctor’s story where we meet the Dream Lord, is arguably one the best episodes that foreshadows the reveal.  However, I didn’t include “Amy’s Choice” with the half-faced man and werewolf examples because there are more dots to connect, and it may not be the Dream Lord who is controlling the 12th Doctor. 

Is the Dream Lord, a psychic manifestation of the darker parts of the Doctor's character, the Classic Who villain called the Valeyard.  We’ll examine the Valeyard in a later chapter, but for now let’s look at the Dream Lord and some things in Amy’s Choice.

We only find out in text at the end of the episode who the Dream Lord is.

RORY: So that was the Dream Lord then? Those little specks.

DOCTOR: No, no. No. Sorry, wasn't it obvious? The Dream Lord was me. Psychic pollen. It's a mind parasite. It feeds on everything dark in you, gives it a voice, turns it against you. I'm nine hundred and seven. It had a lot to go on.

On the surface, this episode is all about the Dream Lord giving Amy a choice of situations and people (there’s so much more that we’ll talk about later).  One situation was real and one a dream.  Or so he said.  It turned out that neither choice was real.  The Dream Lord really wanted Amy to choose either the Doctor or Rory as the person she wanted to be with.

At the beginning of the episode, the Doctor says he doesn’t know who the Dream Lord is, but it becomes clear to him halfway through the episode.

DOCTOR: Drop it. Drop all of it. I know who you are.

DREAM LORD: Course you don't.

DOCTOR: Course I do. No idea how you can be here, but there's only one person in the universe who hates me as much as you do.

Here’s the best example of the Doctor hating himself. 

The episode shows us how the Doctor and companions are battling his dark side and trying to take control back from the dreams.  And it is an outline episode exemplifying what we’ve been watching with the 11th and 12th Doctors’ arcs.  The dreams in this episode are very important, especially the dream where Amy is pregnant.  It gives us quite a bit of insight into TRODM. 

For example, below is an image from “Amy’s Choice” that shows the Dream Lord as a passenger in a VW Van that the Doctor is driving.  Check out the helmet! 

 We know the 11th and 12th Doctors have been controlled by dreams.  And we’ve seen how dreams represent unconsciousness, darkness, and shadows.  Therefore, the Dream Lord represents them too.  The fact that the Dream Lord is holding a helmet supports the hypothesis that the TRODM shadow/insectoid/the Animus creature in the helmet/eye structure within the big “C” room has been controlling the Doctor and his dreams. 

Interestingly, the Dream Lord is a passenger, suggesting he is not in control.  However, in this layer of the dream, he is influencing the Doctor to drive the van because of the situation.  The Dream Lord is like the insect on Donna’s back in “Turn Left.” Donna also was driving when, under the influence of the insect, she turned right, which meant she didn’t save the Doctor.  Rory, a mirror of the Doctor, does die a short time later. 

Many of the scenes, especially in the TARDIS, show important subtext through light/dark patterns. Here is one showing the light/dark patterns on the faces of Rory, Amy, and the Doctor.

 This is significant because Rory and the Doctor have mirror light/dark patterns (like the Doctor and Dr. Sim) and are competing for Amy’s affection.  This supports my conclusion that Rory is a mirror of the Doctor.

Amy has a brighter light on the sides of her face since they face Rory and the Doctor while the front of her face is darker.  She is the apex of the triangle.  In fact, the Dream Lord tells Amy:

DREAM LORD: Pick a world, and this nightmare will all be over.  They'll listen to you.  It's you they're waiting for.  Amy's men.  Amy's choice.

This is significant because Rory represents the Doctor, but one who has settled down.  It’s another way the Doctor is battling himself.

Regarding the Doctor as a monster, this image below shows that the Dream Lord is a butcher (deals in body parts, like the half-faced man) and associated in the subtext with a pig (above his head), which is most likely a reference to the hybrids created by the Daleks. (“Daleks” could be a metaphor, or not.)

 This next image in the butcher shop shows us in subtext that the Doctor is the Dream Lord.  There’s a pig next to him equating him to the Dream Lord. Since the Dream Lord is the Doctor, the Doctor, by definition, is a butcher (consistent with the half-faced man), and he’s associated with a pig, which is next to him.  This is an example of how this story does get dark, but ironically it’s part of the rescue plan.

 The pig is consistent with the pig face flashing quickly by in the platter that the half-faced man is holding in “Deep Breath.”

There’s also a blurry pig behind the shoulder of the 11th Doctor in “The Eleventh Hour” just after Prisoner Zero escapes from the crack in little Amelia Pond’s wall.  Also, there’s a blurry reflection of the back of the Doctor, which is mostly a shadow.  The gold light says that one face of the Doctor is being controlled.

 It’s important to note that the Dream Lord never went away and neither did the dream.  At the very end of the episode, the Doctor looks into the TARDIS console and sees the Dream Lord’s reflection, a hidden face of the Doctor.

 The Doctor looks around for the Dream Lord before turning back to the console, which now shows the Doctor’s reflection.

 BTW, the butcher symbolism is also consistent with the Harmony Shoal people going around and possessing world leaders by hijacking their bodies and replacing their brains.