#only i have more context now but idk if that rly helps

[kashmirichaiwithmehr]

.

[ca-suffit]

im sorry your takes are generally pretty great and i appreciate the space you make in fandom but i find the dismissal around lestat's queerness to be diminishing.

louis is a fantastic gay character and u r right about how he represents his queerness which is fabulously. he is mother he is fashion he is wife, a lot, and lestat is a lot more masc in aspects of their dynamic. louis also struggles with it, had internalized homophobia, and his relationship to his sexuality is fraught. now you can have that complexity and still be a "gay icon" sure but what i see here is a gay man existing. not every gay man existing has to be ~iconic~. louis is working on himself.

lestat is a different person and is going out there to make a mark on culture actively, regardless of why. he's not putting on a dress for five seconds (which btw was still pretty impactful in context but ok), he is being meaningfully gnc and making art. this is what queer culture is. it's frustrating to see this element diminished like it's just a meme or a bunch of people being thirsty.

im all for critiquing fandom being weirdos about it but i think the showrunners are doing something spectacular and pretending like fans are making lestat into something he is not just isn't the vibe.

reading this made me realize that I left out a sentence in this ask, so it did come off differently than I intended. I'd meant to say there's already been a lot of exploration of characters / ppl like lestat, but there's never been a character like louis before. I wasn't rly ever talking about lestat's queerness itself, I was talking about how he's prioritized bcuz he's white.

if u personally identity with him in this then that's ur right to, obviously. no group is a monolith and I was never trying to say one way is more "right" than the other. I rly do apologize if it came across like that, cuz I can see why it did.

"he's not putting on a dress for five seconds (which btw was still pretty impactful in context but ok)"

I don't rly know what u mean here bcuz within the show, nobody comments on the dress. ppl react to the baby but everything we know of the dress otherwise was only revealed by carol cutshall bts. I don't know what impact ur meaning here. to the tv audience, sure, but the NOLA audience?? or is it the fact he designed it in the first place.

tbh the thing I most noticed was that once again a white, european immigrant got to be center stage in an event that louis, as a black, louisiana native, isn't (like the card game lestat already had a place at more favored than louis earlier in S1). he also was able to wear that dress in public without public scorn (being european prbly helped here too, he's "other'd" but not the same way as louis is "other'd" for being black), which is something louis could never have done and actually survived at all. it's not that lestat doesn't experience homophobia otherwise, but he's still got a lot more room to confront it than louis, claudia, or armand would have, as ppl who would be confronting homophobia *and* racism with no access to white privilege (claudia literally dies in the same hour we see lestat confront a homophobe otherwise on his and louis' behalf and "win").

idk what they're going to explore for S3 yet, but what we've seen so far is....not that deep tbh. it's not even especially "queer." we're aware he is so we know it is, but straight men have worn makeup and flashy outfits and done homoerotic shit as musicians before too. very often. nothing we've seen from lestat so far has been pushing any boundary as a queer artist or making any kind of statement. I'm not trying to sound like a total bitch here, but a lot of what ur saying is pushing this white fandom agenda of the "importance" of so much that any white, queer character does that....just isn't. lestat's image and sound is taking a lot from other ppl in real music history who *were* doing groundbreaking things at the time, straight or not, but what he's doing is just wearing it as a costume rn. his lyrics even say "I'm an actor / in my makeup." like I said, S3 in full will bring more to the table, obviously, but for what we've seen so far....this hasn't said anything in any objective way that's "deep." u can still like it and identity with it, but idk how u'd argue that it's doing anything tbh. ur welcome to do it tho, I'm not trying to shut down the conversation here. I'm just giving my perspective. I *do* actually think this is stuff we should talk about exactly *bcuz* fandom rides so hard for it all the time. it should be explored why that is, what's the logic behind it. I rly am interested.

edit: wanted to add too that p much everyone we see in this show is queer and creative so literally why is nobody ever saying all this about louis' photography, claudia's acting and interest in fashion (or her general observations on the world thru so many diaries that are referenced in multiple ways as she's not around anymore to speak otherwise), armand's theatre work, madeleine's dressmaking. that's usually why ppl comment on lestat, bcuz he's the most noticed and praised but he's literally not the only one doing it at all.

[heart4gyu]

teach you || heeseung x reader

note: it’s a whole lot of kissing and the end is pretty suggestive so minors dni !! i honestly haven’t proofread this and ugh idek if rly like it so sorry please enjoy tho.. also i’m considering doing a part 2 idk lmk what you think ^_^ [part 2!!]

wc: 2,147 words

your class had just ended and you were now making your way to the cafe that heeseung had told you to meet him at. he texted you earlier about needing to ask you something important and no other context. which was unusual for him because it was usually you who would text him asking for help on an assignment or to cover for you when you were late to class. so for him to be asking something of you, it had to be serious.

you walked in and the small bell chimed as you searched the room for him. and of course, there he was, punctual as always. he was sitting by one of the tables near the window, two drinks already on the table in front of him. “hey heeseung,” you said, placing your bag on the ground as you sat in front of him. you picked up the cup and tilted it trying to see what was inside, “it’s your usual,” he said as he watched you. “oh thanks,” you smiled, taking a sip. “i’ll just get straight to it… you know that girl that i’ve been tutoring?” he said, fidgeting around with his cup nervously. you immediately rolled your eyes, “yeah what about her,” you said, putting your cup down. “well she sort of asked me out on a date this weekend,” he said, avoiding your eyes. you were one of his closest friends and he was one of yours so you knew him well and vice versa. he knew you didn’t think fondly of her, knew that you didn’t trust her and rightfully so. she was beautiful, extremely popular, and very rich but she wasn’t exactly at the top of her class. you weren’t super popular yourself but you knew a lot of people, you were a people watcher. you’d often see her hanging around the smart students; her scrolling on her phone or filing her nails as they scribbled down equations or edited slides for her. you knew exactly what she wanted from heeseung but you didn’t want to hurt him by telling him the truth. because when she would hold his hand or ruffle his hair as she asked him for another favor, he’d take it as an act of affection.

“so what? you need help rejecting her?” you asked, and he met your eyes again, lips pressed into a thin line. he sighed and you picked your cup back up for another sip. “no…” he said, still fidgeting with the cup, “y/n, i want you to teach me how to kiss.” you almost choked on your drink hearing his words. “YOU WHAT?” you almost yelled, in the busy little cafe. you cleared your throat as peoples heads turned towards you, you composed yourself as you scooted in. “repeat what you just said… slowly,” you said to him, still unable to believe what you heard. “look, if you don’t want to then you don’t have to but you’re the only person i know who can help me with this. i have no other girl friends and you have experience with these things,” he said, emphasis on the last part. you knew what he was referring to since you always told him about your one night stands and past relationships. but you never would’ve thought telling him your stories would give him an idea like this. “if she really likes me, i don’t want to disappoint her,” he said, his innocent eyes practically doing the begging for him. you felt bad for him, knew that she didn’t want anything more than his help in her passing grade. “…okay, i’ll teach you,” you sighed. “yes! thank you,” he said, leaning over the small table to hug you. it made you sad to think about how genuine he was in requesting this of you. you just hoped that she was also as genuine as him, you hoped she proved you wrong. “but hee, if she really liked you she wouldn’t be disappointed just because you’re a little bad at kissing,” you said and he just nodded as he sipped on his drink.

you had told him that you’d meet him at his dorm on friday after your classes. so there you were, just as you had planned but if this wasn’t the most awkward experience you’ve ever had, you don’t know what was. he had put on a movie before you got there and it had been playing in the background ever since, completely forgotten. you were both sat on the couch in the living room, heeseung had a roommate but it was friday so he was out. “okay let’s just start,” you said, crossing your legs and turning your body to face him on the couch. he did the same and when you scooted in a bit, he copied you again. “lick your lips or something, they’re kinda dry,” you said, licking your own right after. “so first, you want to make sure the moment is right. don’t just go in and randomly kiss her,” you said, and he nodded his head, listening intently. “how will i know when the moment is right,” he asked, fidgeting with his sleeves. you always thought that habit of his was cute, he always needed something keeping his hands busy. “you’ll just feel it, there’ll be a sort of tension around the two of you, you know what i mean?” you said, hoping he at least understood how to read the situation. he nodded and you took a deep breath, preparing yourself. you’d be lying if you said you weren’t a little nervous too, but how could you not be? he’s one of your best friends and yeah, you’ve kind of always thought he was a little attractive. “i’ll show you and then you can copy me,” you said. he nodded but the way his eyes were glued to your lips and his legs were slightly shaking told you he was getting impatient. you knew he’d had his first kiss some time in high school so you weren’t worried about that. just the fact that you were going to kiss your best friend was making you stall a little more than you normally would.

you cupped his cheek with one hand and used it to pull him towards you. he closed his eyes the second your skin came into contact with his but you took the chance to take in his features as you brought him in. you licked your lips once more and finally placed your lips on his. a peck first, and then reattaching your lips for a few more seconds just to see what you were working with. his face was warm, and the room was fairly dim but you could still make out the flush on the tip of his ear. you backed away just enough for your noses to still be touching and you both opened your eyes. “why don’t you try moving your lips along with mine? and let’s try, maybe 20 seconds, yeah?” you suggested, bringing up your other hand to rest on the back of his neck. he flinched a bit at the coldness of your hand on his neck but nodded quite enthusiastically anyway. his reaction made you smile and he returned it before bringing his hand up to your cheek, almost mirroring you. once his lips were on yours, you both stayed still for a second before you were tilting your head and moving your lips against his. he wasn’t as bad as you had imagined, then again, this first step in kissing wasn’t the hard part. you tilted your head to the other side and you were really about to lay back and pull him over you, when he suddenly pulled away. you were confused as he sat back and waited for you to say something. “it was 20 seconds,” he said innocently, as it finally clicked. “oh yeah,” you almost audibly gulped. you cleared your throat before you spoke up again, “you actually did really good… it’s just the hard part comes when you add tongue.” you watched his shoulders rise as he took a deep breath. you weren’t even really sure if he wanted to take it that far. “can we try that… maybe?” he said abruptly, hands in his lap fidgeting with his sleeves again. cute. “of course,” you said, scooting back in. your head tilted as you leaned in to kiss him. you kissed regularly for a few seconds before subtly parting your lips. he copied you again, giving you access to his mouth. you licked at his lips first wanting to make sure he was really okay with it. he tilted his head to the side in response, giving you even more access. you pushed your tongue into his mouth, and when his tongue came in contact with yours, he let out a loud sigh. the noise causing both of you to pull away, a blush creeping onto both of your cheeks. he was breathing heavy and wiping his palms on his sweats. “sorry,” he said, just above a whisper. you laughed, a breathy laugh in no way mocking or pointedly at him. he was worried he’d made you uncomfortable but you laughed so he did too. “i’ve never kissed anyone with tongue before,” he admitted and you thought it was cute how he couldn’t look you in the eyes. “well that’s what i’m here for… just try and do what i do, okay?” you said, caressing his cheek gently. he leaned into your touch as he nodded. you couldn’t get over how cute he was, he was like a puppy.

you kept your hand on his cheek as you sat up on your knees, his eyes on yours the whole time. you wondered if he felt the tension too. your face was above his now and he uncrossed his legs so that they were on either side of you. you connected your lips and he was immediately parting his, wanting to feel your tongue on his again. so you gave him just that. your tongue came into contact with his and it took him a couple of seconds before he started to move his along with yours. you removed your hand from his cheek and placed it in his hair, your other hand sliding along his neck and shoulder. he tried to move his tongue against yours and into your mouth but he wasn’t as skilled as you. you pushed your tongue into his mouth and let it explore for a while. he brought his hand up to your cheek again, tucking some hair behind your ear and he felt you smile a bit at that. feeling more confidence now, he placed his other hand on your waist. and you don’t really know what got into you as you pushed him down onto the couch. he wasn’t laying flat against the couch because of the pillows but you were still above him. “sorry, is this too much?” you said, pulling away just an inch or two. “no- no no i want you to keep going,” he stumbled. “this is a bit more than just practice, don’t you think?” you said, and he laughed a bit. “i think you’re just a really good teacher,” he said and this time you laughed. you moved your legs so that now they were on either side of his, and you sat back on his lap. he groaned as he adjusted himself under you, and it didn’t take you long to realize why. you blushed as you got up off his lap, sitting where you originally were when you first got there. “maybe we should stop for today,” you said, as he sat up. “that’s probably a good idea,” he said, placing a pillow on his lap. there was a flush on his face that reached the tips of his ears and down his neck. it was cute and it made you feel good that he reacted this way when you hadn’t really done anything. you looked at each other after a second and you both laughed. “good luck on your date tomorrow hee,” you said, as you leaned over to place one last kiss on his cheek. you got up and figured you’d just walk yourself out, seeing as though heeseung had a little problem to deal with. “thank you y/n,” he called out, as you made your way to the door. you smiled and waved him goodbye as you left. when you were gone, he lifted his cold hand up to his burning cheek where you had kissed him. he let himself fall back onto the couch, thinking about what just happened still a blushing mess. and for the rest of the night he had one thing on his mind, and it wasn’t the popular girl he was going on a date with.

[lostdrarryfics]

lostdrarryfics monthly roundup Aug + Sept: Part 1

Oops! We got busy and never posted the monthly roundup, so we're splitting it into two parts. Here's Part 1! Please let us know if you recognize any fics!

You can also browse our lengthy lost fic masterlist, where we have compiled every request we have been unable to find over the past few years. We're always hoping someone will recognize a fic so we can let the asker know what it was!

1. i found the fic on pinterest and im pretty sure the person whos pinterest i found it on wrote it but i did read it on ao3. it was an 8th year darry post war hogwarts. there was ptsd in the tags. there were 13 chapters but the last one (13) was an explanation of why it was on hiatus, it could have changed by now idk, the main plot was that draco was cutting himself but specifically to try get rid of his dark mark (or just sh i cant remember) and harry discovered this and wanted to help. he went to this meeting that the students ran and got tips on how to help. was told that for a couple of people painting their arms helped them and one lended their paint to harry. so harry and draco kept meeting up and harry would do these amazing art paintings on his arm(to cover the dark mark specifically i think) and draco was so relaxed. i think they got into a fight and draco relapsed and then harry discovered this in the basement of hunydukes(?). and afterwards draco talks with pansy and blaise and realises that he likes harry (again i could be mixing up with a different fic but im pretty sure it was this one)

2. postwar drarry fic where draco was previously dating another man before his current relationship with Harry and kind of embraces that memory..? I think he was telling Harry about this other man and I think there was this specific line about how draco and the previous man had similar cracks and were similarly broken so they thought their cracks fit tgt and thought it was love but it rly wasn't..???

3. been looking for this fic for a while, so I guess it was posted 5+ years ago. Probably on AO3, but I’m not sure. It’s AU, Harry is poor and decides to sell his virginity at Sirius’ brothel. Draco, also a virgin, buys it. Here it is what I remember: Both Harry and Draco are virgins. Harry needs money (to go to college? university?) and decides to sell his virginity. Sirius is a sex worker/has a brothel and tries to dissuade Harry, but can't. Draco is about to get married (a marrige Lucius arranged for him). Lucius takes Draco to Sirius' brothel. Draco insists in a inexperienced hooker. Draco and Harry hook up and obviously fall in love. Draco pays for Harry exclusivity. All of above are what I'm sure about (or as sure I can be). However, there are other informations that I think were important in this fic: When Harry talks to Sirius, Sirius thinks in selling his wand because it's something rare (like, only tradicional pure-blood have one). There is something about lycantrophy, Remus takes care of other werewolves and he needs Sirius' wand to make wolfsbane.

4. draco and harry are already in a relationship but draco is so self hatred and he believes he don't deserve harry. Im not sure if he already tried breakup with harry but harry is so in love with draco that he don't accept de breakup so draco to finally leave harry líes to him tellin him that he don't want to be tied in a relationship and he wanna explore being with other people and be more sexually adventorous or something in that context. These are the  scenes that i remember: Draco talking with ginny because he knows she still in love with harry and would have him back no matter how and that this is a chance draco is giving her. After the breakup harry find draco and tell him that they dont have to be boyfriends but that at least draco  let harry be one of the persons that draco have fun with because at least that way he still in draco's life. In the end ginny based on harry's heartbreak make harry come back togheter with her and draco see them in a restaurant and believes he make the righ choice.

5. I'm very positive this story is in ao3. I don't remember much but the story is set after the war where Draco discovers the hidden secrets of his ancestor Malfoy, I remember it has something to do with dragons and daggers or something. Then Harry and Draco went together to uncover the mystery. I remember they went to some kind of desert place? Then a cave where there were a lot of paintings or stuff from Malfoy's ancestors. Then I remember Draco and Harry sort of doing a sex ritual on a stone table I think. Then Draco got pregnant. In the end I remember Scorpius and Harry living in that cave if I'm not mistaken.

6. I think it’s set during eight year, I remember no one wanting to pair up with Draco, and I think it must’ve been in Potions. Harry must’ve volunteered to pair up with him. I remember it being in Draco’s POV, and that he described Harry as looking sleepy between Ron and Hermione. And then somehow, they get transported to like the countryside or the highlands where they have to operate a muggle car to get back to Hogwarts. It’s like an adventure of sorts. I’m sorry it’s vague but it’s what I remember. There’s no fake relationships trope or anything like that. I think it might’ve been before the war or maybe an au? But it’s defo like an adventure fic with them trying to operate a muggle car. Fic is not Right Hand Red by lqtraintracks

7. I read it about 8 years ago and I think it was on a drarryforum.com/forumdrarry.com. Okay, so it's after the war - they're all adults living their lives. Draco is working in a bar/restaurant/bistro/sth like that for a man that he is indebted to. I think he works as a waiter too, but he definitely is available to "rent". He's forced to work as a sex worker for the food place owner till he pays off his debt. I think the owner used/is using him as well. One day Potter comes to the place, the owner is happy and they chat (idk if they know each other, but maybe) and Harry sees Draco (maybe he's waitering for him?). Harry is delighted in Draco feeling humiliated, and somehow the owner tells Harry about their arrangement, offers Draco to him (maybe even for free cause of admiration for Potte) and Harry ends up renting Draco for some time. Harry is very dark, possibly with PTSD, definitely taking pleasure in hurting Draco and degrading him. The first time they are in bed together he humiliates him verbally, I think by making Draco admit to enjoying what Harry's doing to him, and forcing Draco to ask Harry to continue/let him come (something like that). It's non-con (duh lol), very dark and there's a lot of angst. I think they develop some feelings for each other maybe, but doubt it has a happy ending - certainly not fluff. It has several chapters, is in English (I read a Polish translation I think?) and is sexually explicit. It's possible Harry is violent towards Draco overall, but I might have confused it with another fic I'm looking for. Maybe there are some other characters in the background, but mainly It's Draco and Harry. Lucius might be dead and Narcissa is either dead as well or very sick and/or poor and Draco has no one. Harry has some power position probably,  Aurors with Ron, prime minister or something like that, and Draco is bottom and submissive, but that might just be cause Potter has all control. And it's 100% not the fic in which Draco has some sort of debt and is using some potion to not look like himself. And Harry is really cold and damaged. Might be vengeful towards Malfoy, either for the school years, or him being a Death Eater or both.

8. Looking for an ao3 fic. In this one Draco has a really special bond with his wand, and I only remember this scene where he is at the quidditch stand with the professors and he is practicing magic in there, but I don't know what. Also the wand is a lot of the plot, maybe it's bc he can't do magic with another wand and maybe he was a Ravenclaw but I'm not sure either:( but I think he was happy and wasn't bad like the canon. I remember one more thing I think, Draco was with McGonagall on a scene looking at a quidditch game, he was really happy with her and McGonagall likes him as well, I think he had a special bond with the professors bc Lucius and Narcissa was bad parent, maybe even wasn't with him anymore, also he was a ray of sunshine! He was really cute/adorable Fic is not The Mirror of Ecidyrue series by starbrigid

9. I think the title included the word "tomb". Anyway Draco and Harry were in some desert and they were traveling with other authority figures (I think Aurors and Harry was head Auror). For some reason they were looking for something and they found an entity which killed two people traveling with them or badly injured them. The entity targeted them because it thought Draco was it's long lost lover. I also remember a scene where Draco didn't want to get on a camel because it was uncouth or something.

[rubyklaasje]

now that i don't have to worry abt art im worryin about excerpt like.. i like this 1, it's the one i have on the actual ao3 post itself:

Ruby’s eyes searched the floor as she tried to cohere her singular thought (How dare you? How dare you? How dare you?) into a different, more specific question.

“Why did you- what did you tell them?” She had to hear it herself. Do we ‘have’ to?

Klaasje’s reply was immediate — tense and quiet, “'Them', who? I-I don’t know what you’re-”

Ruby shouted, almost laughing, “YES YOU DO! You do, Klaasje,” and Klaasje winced — not at Ruby’s rising tone… but at the use of that word. That soft, long, guttural sound which meant herself – Klaasje. Ruby squinted. That’s right… that wasn’t even her real name.

BUT!!!! IDK im like maybe one of these??? this one feels too long and dialogue heavy but also it's really not my fav passage.. like i dont rly like the 'prose' in this part at all:

"You didn't try to find me. No, what you did was send them after me.” Klaasje didn’t respond, frustrated to be continually interrupted. Her jaw was clenched as she let Ruby continue, “RCM. Pigs – worse, Madre’s favorite pig-” 

“He wasn’t. He didn't even have a gun, he could barely remember his own name-”

“He was clearly capable enough to arrest you!”

“They didn’t though… they let us both go-”

“You couldn’t have known that he would… They could have arrested me for my work alone, but they sought me out for a murder I didn’t commit, based on the false information you gave them.”

Klaasje finally addressed Ruby’s assertion, stumbling over her words, “Wh-what did they tell you?”

Ruby held Klaasje’s gaze. “Why don’t you tell me?”

or this one which will explain why klaasje 'looks like that' on the fic cover but i ALSO DONT RLY LIKE THE PROSE HERE EITHER.. SO ....:

Klaasje pulled on the vest and zipped it up, then pulled Ruby’s headphones off of her neck, onto her head. Ruby looked her up and down. This wasn’t Klaasje… it was 'Jean' – a tall, young man with poor eyesight and poorer posture from his short but intense driving career. Privileged, devout, and shaken from his first taste of the real world. His short yet overgrown hair stuck out, boyish and sloppy beneath the bulky headphones. Believable. Ruby’s hand throbbed. Fuck.

“You can drive?”

Klaasje nodded. 

“Yes.” Klaasje had always had some drawling length to her vowels that was especially pronounced when she’d had something to drink… but she seemed to draw them out on purpose now. Or, maybe, she had only stopped restraining her instinct to do so. It was subtle, and Ruby wasn’t even sure the change had been made.

Ruby turned, looking back at the lorry, at the flour bags growing soggy in the ditch. She turned again and looked out across the wasteland behind them.

"Fuck ."

idk all my fav bits of writing in the fic are way too spoilery or just nothing without the context... idk idk idk im leaning toward just keeping the first one and including a version of this old old description i wrote last year:

what would u do if u just found out yr failed talking stage framed u for her boyfriend's murder, and as u r bitterly fleeing your narrowly avoided death and/or imprisonment for this accusation, you coincidentally run into said failed talking stage in a bathroom just outside of town? context: she is also fleeing, but she's not leaving behind the wreckage of a life she worked extremely hard to build (like you are), she's fleeing the responsibility of the lives she destroyed, including yours.. would u see it as a chance to 'hold her accountable' for the wrongs she's done unto u ? some justice, some answer to all this needless death ? now that your life has ostensibly already ended, would you, for once, bring yourself to try out the one high-risk high-reward activity that never interested you before ? would u seek revenge ?

OR should i just use these actual disco quotes???

KLAASJE (MISS ORANJE DISCO DANCER) - "I think I know who did it. Who shot Lely... I can tell you. I can help you." KLAASJE (MISS ORANJE DISCO DANCER) - She's silent for a second -- as if looking into herself for certainty. Then, in a hushed voice, she says… KLAASJE (MISS ORANJE DISCO DANCER) - "Ruby.”

-

RUBY, THE INSTIGATOR - "I never did understand why, when someone dies, a hothouse's worth of flowers has to die too."

[unicyclehippo]

watched the sister melanie reading scene in season one again. i cant see bc im crying but anyway immediately following it, its suggested that ava goes to talk to lilith n im lowkey obsessed with the ways in which avatrice help each other grow. beatrice tells ava earlier in the season that there’s always more to people, to their stories, but it isnt until their melanie conversation that it feels Real to ava. only then can she talk to lilith properly, with the understanding that there’s so much to the other girl that she doesn’t know. like yeah we rightfully talk a lot about how it shows her an aspect of beatrice, and how to leads to the closeness required to get through the 20ft of rock, but its rly incredible how much beatrice being honest & direct with ava helps ava to like. have proof of the depth of humanity. its just like her conversation with mary except mary’s is more direct, more precise - actual details about mary’s history. beatrice’s is .. hinted at, smth that ava comes to the understanding of through context. and i dunno i guess when you realise, when you understand something about another person without them saying it, it becomes easier to look for those context clues. maybe it starts ava Thinking about lilith and why she wanted the halo, beyond the fact that ava wasn’t worthy. like, maybe its not about ava at all. maybe beatrice’s anger isn’t about ava at all, maybe lilith’s had less to do with her than she thought. the melanie conversation helps ava to think about other people, guides her in how to think about others. idk thats just a rambling thought but im enamoured of it now

[youremyheaven]

okay so i'm so the anon who brought up how freaky solar men are up & i thought abt how i wanted to go abt this like i was orig. going to continue my spiel and outline every single kink i saw as a pattern but ... i just want to be concise + this is an astro blog i don't want to get too graphic on here so here's me wrapping it up (sorry this one is anti-climatic):

so at the root of it solar men go into sex - honestly any situation in their lives - asking themselves 2 things.

how can i have fun here? & how can i maximize on said fun?

how & will this feed into my ego?

it's an oversimplification of solar men but i think thats the gist of what drives them in any situation. so you can use that logic to apply to whether you'd think a solar man would be into smth sexually or not. like for e.x. solar dom men tend not to be munches in the bedroom (sorry girlsss 😭). but it makes sense as to why when you apply the logic of them being ego & pursuit of happiness driven. and if you do meet a solar man who does like eating their girl out ask them their reasoning for it and i swear their reasoning will somehow fall into this logic too (e.x. "it's fun for me" or "it makes me feel like im the man")

anyway with that being said there's only one other kink they rly lean into that i do want to elaborate on bc it's fun! it's roleplaying. they're so fun in this regard they like to play up certain scenarios (typically a power imbalance dynamic at play in it too) and they rly like it when you dress up for them; again there's also this air of unserious fun to it too like they just don't take themselves too srsly. like my fav memory w my latest sun dom ex was the time when the mid-autumn festival rolled around (he's chinese) and i asked him how he wanted to celebrate since his family was back home so it would just be him & i so he came up w the idea that i dressed like a bunny and delivered him his "mooncake". this is context for those who don't know (how he explained it to me so if this is botched i'm sorry omg): for chinese ppl there is an association b/w rabbits and mooncake during mid-autumn festival; jade rabbits often delivering them. anyways to make a long story short, i ended up picking up a box of mooncake for him and when i showed up to his place he had a whole bunny lingerie ensemble laid out for me so you can put two and two tg and figure out how that went 😂

now with that wrapped up i acc wanted to touch on the last ask you answered: hearing your type now i do not recommend a sun dom man for you actually. sun men def play it cool and i'll be honest they're the type to bully/tease as flirting and i find that the kind of women that best respond to the super cocky, kind of a bully style of flirting from solar dom men are saturn dom women (who dish it right back to them) and lunar dom women (extremely receptive & thrives in passivity). just as claire put it. your type acc sounds more along the lines of a venus dom man (they're simps & tend to worship - they just don't have that external tough guy thing going on imo) combined w smth else. i remember you saying you had a mercury dk do you mind sharing the nak/sign it's in? that could probs help w figuring out whats best for you

oh my last thing do you think solar dom men tend to be drawn to working as commercial pilots? if so why do you think that may be? bc as i was writing this i realized all of my exes were either commercial pilots or up in the corporate ladder. working corporate for them makes sense i feel like i've seen that somewhere but it's the pilot thing i'm curious abt

damn 😳😳😳

Yeah I def can't stand Saturnian men (mainly Anuradhas) and idk any Solar men but while they sound 🥵🥵 they're not for me as you said

I swear my type is a Venusian man who will worship me 🤤😤😩😭 I think I really like the idea of a big serious tough guy that others are intimidated by but who is a complete sweetie with me. Having a partner that is socially respected and taken seriously is vvv important to me (probably bc I have Venus in 10h) I do see the effect of my Mercury DK bc I love to flirt and tease and I love the smooth talking type of guy, I really value emotional & literal intelligence in men but beyond that Mercurial men are horny little rabbits and that kind of puts me off. I want a Venusian man who will be more refined about that sort of thing??? My old friend is with a Bharani Moon guy and honestly I want what they have. He puts the shoes on her feet, carries her bags and feeds her even?? Like that guy loves to give and is a complete simp (idk anything else about their relationship so idk what the downside of all this Venusian affection is)

When you said commercial pilot I stopped breathing 😳😳😭😭 because I only know one person who is a pilot and he's Krittika Sun 😩😩😩 I think Sun dominant people both men and women are drawn to the top of the hierarchy, they need to be the best at what they do, they won't settle for anything less than that and all the Sun dominant people I know are extremely ambitious and hardworking. With flying, they're literally on top of the world and in the air, that's as Sun dominant as it gets. Maybe that's a simplistic take but I think they're drawn to the high life and doing something that only a few get to do. I think all benefic planets kind of create a sense of elitism and exclusivity in its natives (I know Sun isn't widely considered to be a benefic but it's ...The Sun...) our solar system revolves around the Sun, life on earth centres the Sun. The natural most comfortable place for a Solar person is at the top of the ladder, they don't feel like they "belong" anywhere else. The Sun is used to being needed but the Sun doesn't need anybody or anything, if ykwim?? Probably why Sun natives dgaf about anyone or anything lol

[broodwolf221]

since idk how many blorbos i'm gonna do this for yet, i'm gonna start by just linking to the question post -> here <- and when i'm done i'll link all the posts to that :')

so for now... halcor brosca:

your Warden/Hawke/Inquisitor's opinion on Orlais?

indifferent, kinda? he never understood orzammar's high society, he sure doesn't understand orlais'.

are they skilled in The Grand Game?

lmao. hell no.

opinion on blood magic?

initially very wary, then more or less ambivalent. all magic is freaky, but he gets close with morrigan and realizes that she has control over her magic, so his opinion shifts substantially. he's also naturally inclined to question authority/conventional wisdom, so that is an aspect of this

attitude towards Andrastianism?

indifferent. it's a faith. he doesn't get it. some of its practitioners are assholes, some are nice, all of them are people.

attitude towards the Chantry?

early on: indifferent. as time progresses, though, he becomes more wary about it. he's... not Big on controlling sociocultural mechanisms in general.

attitude towards the Qun?

at first, very, very ignorant, with only fanciful stories to give any context. after meeting sten and hearing a bit more about the culture itself, his opinion becomes more grounded and more critical. overall, he's not a fan.

if they had to choose one person most important to them, who would that be?

rica and morrigan are pretty well tied, actually.

who do they hate the most, and do they have an arch-nemesis?

um… hm. he’s not really one for hate? the way he is, being casteless and all, he grew up expecting to get the short end of the stick, and he grew accustomed to that. I think he was very angry for a while growing up, but then that anger began to poison him and he worked - hard! for a long time! - on letting it go. now it’s like… are you going to be angry at the cliff because you fell down it? that’s kinda how he views things now. because of that, people being genuine, trustworthy, and kind freaks him out a bit. he keeps waiting for the betrayal. the point where keeping him in their good graces costs more than it’s worth. it’s part of why he gravitates towards morrigan - her anger and condemnation are open, obvious, transparent. so when it stops being directed at him, he actually trusts that.

that all said… probably leske. because that was a betrayal, a real betrayal, one that cut deep.

what is their love language? 

hm. don’t rly buy into love languages, but he’s pretty open with his feelings. less “i love you” and more “i think you’re glorious” all starry-eyed

are they good horse riders?

ehhhh… it takes a bit to get used to, but he gets there in the end!

what are their religious beliefs, if any?

none. if he prays - usually before a battle and out of desperation - it’s to the stone, although sometimes he casts a wider net “the maker, andraste, elven gods if you’re listening, whoever the qunari worship-” kinda thing

attitude towards Mabari?

okay so they are Big Dogs and he’s not used to dogs and they freaked him out at first!!!! but then he saved that mabari and now he loves them.

their thoughts on the Grey Warden order?

little opinion on it prior to joining; after joining, very “wtf, this is it?” because it should NOT have been just him and alistair for so long

who are they closest to from their family?

rica! 100%

preferred weapon of choice?

two daggers

do they get sentimental about their weapons or armour?

nope, although he appreciates having nice gear and he maintains it very well.

what were they like as a child?

angrier, bitter. tried hard to reach his mother. 

do they have any irrational fears?

falling into the sky is still sorta-kinda there. he prefers forests or mountainous areas; flat areas freak him out

are they afraid of death?

no

where would they like to be buried?

doesn’t think about it. probably doesn’t want to be buried at all though. burned, maybe.

what is their biggest regret?

not being able to help rica more. he feels like he abandoned her to run off with the grey wardens.

have they ever been to Tevinter?

nope

do they have, or want to have, children?

kieran is his son, although he hadn’t ever thought about having children before. he ends up wishing he could be a father to him, but of course morrigan goes her own way and he does not pursue her; he respects her choice, even if he disagrees with it. he thinks about kieran often, though

what languages can they speak?

common

what did they plan for their life to look like before the events of the game happened?

nothing good. surviving until he was killed.

do they get a happy ending?

not… really? he finds happiness, but it’s always fleeting. still, it matters.

[cornerihaunt]

omg thank you!!!

she’s a huge capitals fan (and loves her boy ovechkin) so i def keep up with the caps now. i know there are intermissions between each period, i can gauge how a game is going based on score (like 1-0 isn’t a HUGE thing by second period but 2-6 as a final score is a curbstomp kinda thing)

i don’t have a team myself yet that i support beyond the capitals, which is a support-by-proxy thing, but i always keep up on the score at least when i’m busy doing something but i know she’s watching a game

i also know enough to know the poor flyers got HUMILIATED saturday. i’m an ohioan and i know damn well the jackets suck ass but then they turned around and won 6-2 against the flyers and fucked up the flyers’ path to the playoffs despite the fact that the jackets sure as hell ain’t going this year

she listens to it a lot more than watching it until the playoffs unless she can go to a game or isn’t busy and can sit and watch it, so following has been more difficult since i have auditory processing issues BUT watching numbers has helped. i know about goalies being pulled if they’re sucking (which blew my mind) but i’m still trying to understand the circumstances where a team pulls players and it’s like 3v5 etc and more complex things than that

i’m just a simple gay but i’m rly enjoying it thus far! idk how i’ll pick my team tho

boooo the caps boooo /j!!! i do love ovi tho (he scored what i’m pretty sure is my favorite goal ever, against arizona in… 2006? it always makes the highlight reels. for good reason!!)

imo the team finds you and not the inverse. like i literally imprinted like a baby duckling (or a baby penguin? haha) on the penguins.

that one flyers game i was checking on for playoff race purposes and my god. i was hoping (sort of foolishly, bc as you’ve said, they’re not the best team lmao) for a jackets win but i did not expect that blowout from both of those teams??? insane little game

speaking of playoff race. i feel like rn it’s such an exciting time to get into hockey!!! you have an insane playoff race for a spot in the east, and anyways the playoffs themselves are gonna start soon!! (right during ttpd release week lmao so that’s gonna be fun FOR ME)

i prefer to watch the game simply bc if i only listen i can’t really… see it? but i have listened to a couple of games and imo it is sooo much more intense with the radio broadcast than the tv broadcast. if you like numbers you might like “watching” a game as i did last year, so by literally checking on the gamecenter on nhl.com which has aaaall the numbers (shots on goals, hits, face-off percentages, etc) and it’s a fun way to gauge the way a game is going. also you’d love. LOVE the standings bc those are sooo fun once you get into it and know how to read them!! calculating who needs to win what in order for your team to get into that one playoff spot is fun (if not unnerving. but fun)

on the when a team pulls a player etcetera imo that stuff you get it by watching really. bc there’s shifts and there’s line changes and power plays and penalty kills but they alllll make sense in the context of the game.

[feekins]

hoo boy, ch 8. okay. I've got tea steeping. I've got a comfy throw blanket. I have my cat on standby, bc...honestly idr how I reacted the first time I read this almost 20 years ago. all I know is that a lot of things flew over my head at that age, so it should be uh. interesting. to see what I get out of it as an adult.

so yeah - my thoughts and things as I re-read ch8 of Trigun vol 2.

I'M NOT NERVOUS. YOU'RE NERVOUS. 🫣

(NOTE: I'm reading the Dark Horse [physical] and the Overhaul [online] translations side-by-side)

ok so uh. this is gonna be a longass post. no joke, I took reference pics of almost every single page of this chapter, but thanks to the 10-image limit...well. we'll see how this goes.

on the very first page, we have some context-changing translation discrepancies.

in Dark Horse, we've got:

WOLFWOOD: "I got a bad feeling...about these guys." (referring to the dudes he beat up when they tried to jump him as he walked into the church in the last chapter)

LEGATO: "How rude. How else do you expect to be treated when you suddenly trespass?"

meanwhile, the Overhaul has something much more informative, once again:

WOLFWOOD: "Who are these idiots? The Roderick slavers?"

LEGATO: "My apologies... I just needed to show late arrivals who they are dealing with."

then, on the next page, we see that Legato and Wolfwood haven't met before (which was something I was wondering about last chapter). they only recognize each other by physical descriptors (Wolfwood's cross, Legato's skull and torture device).

(Dark Horse on top, Overhaul on bottom)

again, the Overhaul is more informative. and the panel right after this one...Vash looks so exhausted 🥺

there's also a difference in Dominique's last words to Vash a few pages later. Dark Horse has her saying, in reference to Legato "No one stands up to that man. Do you think he'd help me after I've failed?" meanwhile, the Overhaul has "If I can't be of service to him...then there is only one way this can turn out."

and then, she jumps :( Dominique remains one of my fav GHGs... it would be nice to see her return (she's on Wanted posters!!!) in tristamp, but. in any case. I lov her. and I'd love to learn more about her 🥺

Vash passes out right as Dominique's falling, and my younger self always thought that was weird? but their fight was a LOT more taxing than it first appeared, at least to me. we see proof of this later in the chapter.

some little translation discrepancies here. Midvalley's line in Dark Horse always kinda confused me. ty, Overhaul, for clarifying so much! oh, and Legato's last line here - for some reason I always thought he was talking about Vash? but now I realize he's talking about KNIVES. that's not translation-induced confusion, tho - just me being A Silly Lil Guy again, I guess 🤪

oh, and I didn't point it out in the last chapter, but...there's something striking about there being a church right at the top of Jeneora Rock. I can't explain why. it's just...something that rly sticks out or seems important to me.

OH, BUT THEN!!!

IT'S THE DOCTAAAAAAAAAand that's all the screaming I'll do about him for now 🤭

again, the Overhaul's translation is more informative, explicitly mentioning Knives' injuries, but idk. maybe I'm nitpicking. whateverrrrr, me likey additional info =u=

now...we get into the heavier topics.

their plan for resurrecting Knives is. disturbing. to say the least. you've got the physical horror, which was what most struck me when I was a teenager...but what gets me now is the violation/exploitation/stripping of agency from another plant for personal gain/survival...of which humans are guilty...but this time, it's all in the name of The Big Bad Human-Hater. and so, right when we finally get to meet him in the flesh, the narrative shows how, Plant Shenanigans aside, Knives...really isn't all that different from the humans he so hates. he perpetuates the exact. same. shit. the cognitive dissonance, man... 😣

more Dark Horse-induced confusion the Overhaul's cleared up for me

then, at the bottom of the page, where Wolfwood's grousing, Dark Horse has him saying "Shit! What the hell was with all th' training?!" (another line that always confused me) whereas the Overhaul has "Shit! What the hell am I doin'?!"

and that leads me into the next thing I wanted to note: it's here that we see Wolfwood is a man stuck between a rock and a hard place. he gets frustrated with it, doesn't want to do it, but he fully believes he can't get out of it :(

I also want to note a difference between the manga and tristamp - manga Vash is able to sense Knives the moment he's resurrected, whereas tristamp Vash is only aware of Knives' presence when the diner piano starts playing (ep 3). it's an interesting difference!

but then, there's fking...

...this. immediately after Knives is reborn.

I didn't think anything of it as a teen. but now...initially, I was horrified, thinking "oh shit, oh fuck, what the hell is he doing to his 'mother' now" BUT. looking at it a second time, I think I get what the context is telling us. on the previous page, there's Knives WITH HIS 'MOTHER' UNDERFOOT. on the panel immediately below the one I've shown, there's an explosion. so. I think what's going on here is that Knives is using his plant abilities to bust out - which still isn't great, most likely killing his 'mother' in the process...but unfortunately, considering who this is, it tracks;;;;;;

(Dark Horse on left, Overhaul on right)

so much more urgency comes through in the Overhaul's translation here - "...I NEED to face him. I have to END this!"

we also get a lot more out of the Overhaul on the next page, when Vash is talking about his memory loss. both translations start with Vash saying "Everything on the other side is blank..." but whereas Dark Horse has him continue with "Where there is no memory, I must go to fill in the void..." the Overhaul has "I lost all memory of what I've done. All that was left with me was a void and a memory of a mountain of rubble."

then, when Vash gets to Knives and points his gun at him...Knives' absolutely deranged reaction, which I found funny as a teen, now just. gives me the chills. as does how tristamp drew directly from this exchange for their meeting in that diner.

aaaaand we have some translation weirdness after Knives sees Vash's scars and is all "Vash y u no learn?!" Dark Horse then misattributes 2 speech bubbles in a panel with Vash, instead having Knives say:

KNIVES: "If you keep count, you've hurt so many more than you've killed. And compare that to all the destruction you've caused..."

KNIVES (next panel, speech bubbles are his): "So, shouldn't you...point that thing somewhere else?"

the Overhaul is, once again, a lot more clear here:

VASH (in reference to his scars): "They're nothing compared to the burden of death and destruction you've put on me! You're gonna pay for your sins, you monster!"

KNIVES: "Considering what you did with that right arm of yours...shouldn't you be pointing that gun somewhere else then?"

I believe that's what we call gaslighting? and the victim blaming Knives does over and over is... 😬

more translation weirdness. no comment here - I've been working on this post for literal hours now igkhddkhdjg

...no translation weirdness here - just wanted to note...I didn't get this part as a teen. now, I do... 😟

and both translations of the first thing Knives says to Vash after forcing him to bring out the angel arm now strike me as. so messed up. part of the SA/noncon allegory...

KNIVES (Dark Horse): "Well?! How do you like it, Vash?"

VS

KNIVES (Overhaul): "How is it?! How does it feel, Vash?!"

and then, right before it fires? for some reason, Dark Horse completely leaves out what Vash says/thinks immediately after Rem's name. before the Overhaul, I had no idea that this bit was a thing: "...we were no good...right from the start." ��

now here. have an Emotional Support Charlie. she slept beside me the whole damn time I wrote this post 💕

[caatws]

Yondu's death and how it was handled in the following gotg projects is the main reason I think how Gamora's been treated is unforgivable. A funeral and two other follow ups to your death/to honor your importance vs "you're not dead, you just can't remember". It would take 2 minutes tops to have Mantis, Drax and Rocket say 2 sentences to eachother about missing Gamora. They don't even had to shed tears if that would be too much. Drax already hated Thanos for killing his family once before. Where was his anger.

vol 3 reduced Gamora from a fully realized character who was an equal partner in the story and interacted with the others and guided them, to mainly someone only Peter really knew. Carrying over her relationship with Nebula from Endgame is the only saving grace. Worse is that Peter talking about it is the only time the canon gives Gamora credit for being essential to the family's origins and by extension the franchise.

Also it makes me really sad that Zoe has probably given the best performance of the bunch throughout her entire mcu run and because Gamora's arc is such a mess it completely overshadows that by the time you get finished vol 3. In fact, imo, vol 3 was fire performance wise for but hits rock bottom plot and arc wise. Without her death or if they had ressurected her, I think she easily would have had one of the best arcs in the mcu.

yeah, when i was comparing the treatment gamora's death to nat's that was already Oof but now comparing with yondu is just...OOOOOFFFFFF. it's just sad seeing the characters not get a chance to rly express their grief for her ever :'( and i think only rly exploring peter's grief makes it seem like gamora rly just existed to be his gf, which i know is a whole nother can of worms of discourse happening in starmora land rn (and given all the circumstances in the film, i honestly think the way starmora as a relationship was handled was pretty solid)

tho we had the holiday special (and i did enjoy it!), i kinda wish we'd had some other gotg project (love & thunder doesn't count since they were just there for 2 secs to support thor LOL) between endgame and vol 3 to actually explore the fallout from iw/endgame a lot more, not just for the gamora situation, but, like, everyone else too. like i mentioned earlier, i think there's a gaping hole in rocket's arc (and nebula's but to a lesser extent) given where his arc left off in vol 2, then the 4 years that passed offscreen between that and iw, and then the 5 years that passed offscreen during endgame, and then ANOTHER 2 years passed offscreen between endgame and the holiday special/vol 3 (i think). i'd imagine losing all of the gotg would've affected rocket a LOT (like remember when he literally shot gamora so she wouldn't risk her life to save peter like lol) and then when they returned, surely that would shift the way he approached his relationships with them

similarly with nebula, i'm assuming she only stuck around with the gotg bc after endgame bc she'd become rocket's bestie for the restie (which i love) and also idk helped the avengers defeat thanos (? idk it also seems like the gotg were just kinda absorbed into the avengers for those 5 years and then became separate again after endgame, which would've been cool to establish more explicitly in canon) but given how uninterested she was in hanging around the gotg at both the end of vol 1 and vol 2, i think we needed to see more of how she went from that to practically being a de facto leader of sorts for the team in the beginning of vol 3

like i said before, i do think much of vol 3 was still very much firing on all cylinders, including the performances, but some of these holes in the arcs were still hard to look past. i know gunn said he wanted the film to be something you could watch on its own without all the context of the previous gotg films/iw/endgame (which makes me wonder how much that informed the way he approached things like the gamora situation) but i think including more story elements and references to past works that would've made vol 3 more dependent on the previous gotg appearances would've fixed quite a few of these problems

[i-have-bees-in-my-brain]

Personal rant or some shit bc i just wanna get this out rn. yeeeee this will be long

So today i had a vit of a stressful day with uni n all bc ive been sick and admittedly lazy over the last week up til like tuesday and i had to turn in an Interpretation/essay tonight and prepare a group presentation for tmr (saturday seminars should b illegal but ok i literally chose this). N e way so ive been procrastinating like hell up until this morning so i didnt rly eat before showing up to seminar at 12am and afterwards i had to check with my one remaining presentation groupmember and finish the interpretation and tgen i had swordfighting class at 5. I didnt Really gave time for it but its fun and im very behind bc i misses several lessons already and am generally. Not good at it lol. n e way i turn up to swords and we peactice some routines ig and heres where the peoblem rly starts. Basically i am a huge crybaby, always have been (im older than firestar btw for context), esp when i feel criticized or yknow. Make mistakes or anything and since i was a sports h8er with 2 left feet n hands all my life n cried often during school pe bc i kept messing up n git embarrassed, it was an important step for me to sign up for this uni extracurricular swords class bc. Doing sth sporty in front of others tgat. Isnt very easy and i gotta learn from scratch is a bit out of my comfort zone. But normally its all v fun, im not good/easily the worst in class but thats ok i learn and move my body and talk to ppl! Proud of myself! Well today not so kuch, i noticed i was getting tense bc of not understanding how to do a movement and everyone (3 experienced fighters bc the main teacher was sick plus 2 other beginners that r learning faster than me) lookimg at me and trying to give helpful pointers and me still doing it wrong... H8 dis feeling bc i kinda freeze up instead of being able to take the tips n try again. Its hard for me to translate input like verbal instructions and demonstsations into my own movements as is. In this state i cant do anything properly and i feel the cryings abt to start while wanting nothing more than to MOVE ON NORMALLY. Well my eye started to get itxhy n teary so i excused myself to "take care of my contacts" (lie) (why am i even so ashamed that i feel i have to lie/make up excuses?? Bro???? That just made the situation Actually cringe?????? Im normally not an ashamed person and cryings just a state/expression but idk) so it was better for a bit until it wasnt. Then i full on cried in class while 2 ppl were actively showing me things/helping me do em right n everyone else kimda watched, kimda practiced. They did ask if i was ok and i said yes like a liar. So at the end of class i normally take the bus home with one of the other new guys but i today just didnt feel able to keep talking to him. So he also asked if i was ok/why i cried and i said i just do that under stress and why i am stressed (uni) so that was also a bit of a lie but only kinda. I said i was gonna go to the livrary instead (another lie, was gonna call my bf to calm me down abit n then take the next bus) so i did tgat n it kinda worked and this genius asked if i had eaten. Bruhhh of fuckin course im sensitive ive only had 3 baked goods all day and hadnt even noticed!!!!!! So then it all made sense, mans gotta get some freakin noursishment to keep their composure in swords class! So i went to another bus stop than normally bc i needed sth from the store and bruh the guy i normally take a DIFFERENT bus with is there (awkwardly votta tell hik i changed my mimd abt the library) and we talk a bit (i feel like i talk to him wayy too much in comparison to him, like we dont know each other that well at all, idek his real name and yknow. If he actually enjoys talking to me) and yea

So now everyone in the 14th century peasant larp class knows my terrible terrible secret:))):)

[mechawolfie]

i love that what got me to play disco elysium was seeing screenshots of the game and thinking “WHAT the actual fuck is this game”. and now i’ve played it and i’m still thinking the same thing

[custom-emojis]

genq do you ever wonder if it’s like. worth it. bc if i were y’all id have deleted my entire social media presence 12x over by now

Oh every fucking day. Y’all have no idea 😂 like I don’t wanna complain or seem all woe is me. But i have considered burning this blog to the ground multiple times and especially lately it really does kinda take a toll on me. Here’s a list of various things I deal with due to this blog AND it’s associated discord;

I cannot talk about any of my interests or opinions lest be ripped apart and have my income demolished

People purposely going out of their way to trigger me? For some reason

Blatant transphobia and misgendering ? For some reason?

Death threats????? For some reason???????

Directly being told I deserved and likely enjoyed my abuse

Having my content stolen, reuploaded and edited near constantly

Having said stolen content made into stickers and sold on websites like Aliexpress where I can’t get them taken down

People making literal hate videos about me because I… expressed my sexuality?

This is lesser but. A lot of people just fucking demand content straight up? No thanks, no please. Not even context. I get a lot of asks that are just ‘x emoji’ or just a single word of what they want with no explanation.

People coming into my DMs and just venting and traumadumping to me COMPLETELY unprompted when I’d never talked to them in my life because I’m ‘popular’ and I guess that’s just acceptable to them?

People entirely only interacting with me with the intentions of boosting their own shit / getting stuff out of it ?? Which like idk I don’t mind helping people out but I would prefer if ppl also like. Interacted outside of that

People going out of their way to just straight up ask my discourse opinions? Or just straight up telling me theirs! No matter how many times I say it’s a trigger and that I want no part in it. Similarly, people just fucking assigning a discourse opinion to me that they feel fits best and spreading that as if it’s fact when I’ve not said anything about it.

People just. Straight up thinking I’m their best friend? Or even being actively affectionate or even romantic towards me when we’ve never interacted before?

A whole slew of the weird and absolutely absurd shit ppl send to me on anon. If you’ve followed me for any amount of time you’ve surely seen some

People like. Obsessing and idolizing my relationships? Like it gets really creepy sometimes how much ppl get rly into my dating life. ^^;

And like. That’s just what I thought up on the fly with my husband. And sure to an extent some of this is just tumblr being tumblr. Or people being shitty. But the fact all this happens and revolves around an emoji blog is a little wild. Don’t get me wrong- I love running this blog. And I will continue to. I definitely think the pros outweigh the cons. But I also think a lot of ppl don’t quite realize how much comes from it bc I really don’t post as much abt the bad as I used to. Ppl… complained abt it lol ppl complained abt me answering anon hate and complained that I posted negative content at all, so I just stopped unless I feel it’s

Important

Funny or I can make fun of them

Something I need to set a hard boundary on.

Anyways I didn’t rly expect to go on such a rant. I’ve just been super burnt out and thinking abt this a lot lately. I don’t plan to stop doing it anytime soon but I’ve been trying to kinda. Be a bit more stern on shit and hold my ground a bit more. Thanks for the ask honestly, gave me a reason to sit down and explain some of this.

[dog-teeth]

hi... idk if this is stupid but any tips on telling apart gender envy and attraction? i've been questioning for years and it's really throwing me off. i don't wanna transition only to realize i wanted to be with the person instead of being them :((

this ended up being long asf cuz i love to ramble so im gonna put it under the cut

i’ve struggled a lot with that too, i started being attracted to men after transitioning more, instead of just having gender envy towards them, thanks to physical/medical/more intense social transition which made me able to interact with men while not being perceived as a woman. it was all very confusing.

generally, i don’t think pure attraction would make you?? want to transition??? like if you were just attracted to them then you would be attracted to them as your current gender, not want to change your gender to be more like them? i guess maybe that could happen but honestly i don’t rly think cis people usually work like that.

i also think you need to deconstruct your idea of what ‘transition’ means - it’s not like one singular process over a set amount of time that you go through and then suddenly at the end you realize you made a mistake and don’t identify that way. transitioning is an active choice you make every moment of every day, and the vast majority of it is internal + social, not physical, so if you end up changing your mind, you can do it just fine. i strongly doubt you would go through an entire social and medical transition without realizing that you actually just wanted to be with someone. along the way you will be able to understand which parts of gender and transition make you happy, and what feels wrong. you’ll be able to feel out how things like altering your gender presentation with clothes, pronouns, names, etc, feels to you. if it makes you feel more like yourself, you’re probably not just doing it because you’re attracted to someone.

you can (and should) also take your transition as slow as you want, deciding to transition is a big deal but also it doesn’t have any inherent repercussions, from that decision you can choose to do whatever you want with your gender. take it one little step at a time, it’s not a big huge thing that happens all at once, it’s a slow and tedious and active process that will give you plenty of time to figure yourself out along the way.

as always, my blanket advice is that thinking really hard about your gender identity and what you want and how you feel often does not help, what does help is actually experimenting with your identity/presentation/etc, in whatever way you think would be most helpful and doable, even if it’s just by yourself or with a close friend or online etc. it doesn’t have to be drastic or public.

if you’ve been questioning for years, that’s a pretty solid indicator that some part of your identity, gender, sexuality, or presentation, is not currently what will make you happiest & your most genuine self. which part, i can’t tell you, but you can figure out with experimentation.

it also can be both gender envy and attraction. i feel that way about guys sometimes. it doesn’t make either aspect less valid or important, it just means there are traits of that gender/person that i find attractive both in a partner and that i want for myself. now that i’m more comfortable in my body & presentation (shoutout to hrt), the relationship i have with gender-envy-attraction is a little different, it would take a whole essay to explain but basically i just have a type LOL.

i can’t tell if you mean that there’s one specific person who you feel gender envy / attraction towards, or if this is a more general thing for you. if you mean one person, then consider looking for other sources of gender inspiration, like other people you’d want to be like, and see how it feels, and just think about your life and experiences separate from this person.

either way, think about who you would want to be if there were no expectations or context. just if it was you alone being able to choose what gender you were born as, or how you would want to look/be if you could instantly magically make it happen. if it’s something different than how you are now, then that’s significant! for example, i know that if i was the only person on earth and no one would ever see me, i would still want to have a flat chest. and i wouldn’t be able to choose which gender i id want to be born as because i wouldn’t want to be born as either one. dealing inn hypotheticals like this can be frustrating and unhelpful, but it can also help you get to the root of your feelings by removing the practical context of your life.

as always my perspective is that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain from experimenting with your gender, and you should go for it, and if you end up realizing that it’s not for you, that’s totally fine and you can go back to being cis! no harm done! but if there’s even a chance that changing something about your gender would make you happier, you should try it out.

[cunninghamchrissie]

hoooo boy i have so many thoughts on this to the point that i need a read more cut lmao

my hc is that, yeah, she's not a virgin, but jason isn't rly invested in her pleasure. maybe they haven't gone all the way bc "good girls save themselves for marriage and only dirty sluts put out before", but he's convinced her to go down on him, and at a certain point she just does it unprompted bc the sooner he finishes, the sooner he'll stop touching her (bc he'll try to touch her while they're making out, but it doesn't do much for her and ends up feeling uncomfortable after a while)

between having an ed (which destroys your libido, just physiologically speaking, not to mention the body image issues and mental stuff that totally affect your sex drive too) plus her daily abuse from her mom and her religious trauma idk that chrissy even masturbates. she'll feel the urge every now and then, but she doesn't know how to and gets in her head abt it and stops halfway. she's maybe finished a couple times, but felt so bad about it, and like everyone at school could tell what she's done, so the guilt ends up not being worth it.

eddie's not a virgin, but sex has lacked any and all emotional connection for him, which i feel like he'd be ok with? i don't see 20 yo eddie struggling w that.

when they get together they have many hurdles bc first of all, chrissy thought it was bad enough she was having sex w jason, but now she's gonna have sex w another guy? that's super slutty, right? but that's smth she works out on her own, bc some of her cheerleader friends have had sex with different guys, and she doesn't think they've changed or turned into bad ppl bc of it. and esp bc she's crazy abt eddie and he's obvs crazy abt her too, it helps her get away from that mentality a bit.

eddie's horny and now that he's experienced sex w someone he actually has an emotional connection with, his mind's been kinda blown and he just wants it all the time, and chrissy's been taught that good girlfriends are always available for their boyfriends, so she'll do it even when she's not rly feeling it, and when eddie realizes it he feels like shit and disgusting like he's taken advantage of her (and it doesn't help that ppl around town would prob be saying the same stuff abt him too) so the first thing they work on together kind of urgently is communication.

so that's maybe where kinks would be introduced bc eddie will just straight up not touch chrissy sexually if she doesn't say it with her words that she wants him to, but she's even quiet when they do it (bc, again, she doesn't want to sound like a slut or like those women in porn that she's caught jason watching a couple times, and he told her he was only watching so he could look for signs that chrissy was turning into one of those dirty women, screaming like the devil was in them or smth). so they'll start with super tame dirty talk, eddie just talking her ear off bc he obvs can't ever shut up, and urging chrissy to make any noise, talk back, and at first she'll just reply and try not to let her face burn off in shame, but they work up to chrissy actually naming body parts out loud and saying what she wants, but even then it's only when she's already super keyed up. she's still struggling to say it outside of that context, although she's better with physically guiding eddie to doing what she wants him to do. and that's especially helpful too bc chrissy can't finish for the longest time, and of course eddie thinks he's the problem, he's forced her into doing it and that's why she can't finish, and chrissy thinks she's the problem, simultaneously thinking she's broken and also a small part of her not wanting to finish lest she turn into one of those sluts screaming. so with her learning to be more vocal, she also learns to touch herself, be on top, let eddie go down on her etc.

body image would be an issue too, but i feel like on a lesser level. it'd start w chrissy not wanting to get fully undressed, only doing it in the dark, stuff like that, but between eddie running his mouth bc he can't help it and just touching her everywhere esp during sex (including her stomach and thighs, including and maybe esp when she starts gaining weight in recovery from her ed) it ends up rly helping her. it's not ideal to let your body image hang on how someone else feels abt your body but we all do it, and it's more common to start to feel ok abt how you look bc your partner is into it than just starting on your own

eddie's got the magazines and handcuffs and he likes "weirder" stuff and i think after the first great hurdles they'd def try some stuff, but at the end of the day i just see them as being so vanilla (which is not a bad thing!!!). the most i can see sticking is dd/lg, spanking and/or choking, light tying up (so nothing like shibari or anything)

i think the one thing that would be completely off limits would be degradation. i know it works for some ppl precisely bc of the trauma but i just don't see it esp in a vecna universe. eddie just wants to protect her and chrissy's love language is words of affirmation, bc it's exactly what she lacked the most growing up, so being reassured and complimented is what gets her going and she would for sure take it to heart if eddie said anything bad even in a made up scenario.

curious about what other hellcheers think of the way chrissy's relationship with sex, fantasy and kink would evolve over the course of her life with eddie. from a standpoint of her starting out not necessarily a virgin, but having not had good sex before. i accidentally started writing a fic exploring this, where i'm kinda tracing the path of her voicing her interests and things she's curious to try with eddie. she starts with asking to watch him jerk off, which she haltingly turns into mutual masturbation (which ends with her upset and crying because she can't get herself off and she's so scared there's something wrong with her).

would love to hear anyone else's thoughts on this, especially if anyone has very specific headcanons about things chrissy would or wouldn't like.