#only i could look at a real person and think about my fictional husband

[imaginethebeautifulworld]

Would y'all forgive me if I posted my Pacific Rim fics here? 🥺

[vanessagillings]

I’m posting the ever-so-rare photo of myself alongside one of my characters based on my childhood because today is World Autism Acceptance Day, and I wanted to show my little corner of the internet who this particular autistic person is:  

I was officially diagnosed in February, at age 38 (I’m now 39). A lot of people thought I couldn’t be autistic.  Some people who know me in real life still don’t.  And until around 10 years ago, I didn’t think I could be either, because I was nothing like the stereotype media portrays. I was told that autistics lacked empathy (untrue), and never played make-believe (also often untrue) and only enjoyed STEM.  I was �� and am — an empathetic artist -- and make believe?  I can spend days sketching finely bedecked bears brewing tea or carefully choosing the right words to weave tapestries of fiction — though perhaps my hyper focus was a bit of a red flag.  Even so, how could autism describe me?  I was a good student.  I got straight A's. I didn’t act out in class.  I can make eye contact…if I must.  And lots of girls hate having their hair brushed with an unholy passion, right?  Clearly I swim in sarcasm like a fish, so autism couldn't be why I was so anxious all the time, could it?

If someone had told me when I was younger what autism ACTUALLY is — instead of the nonsense I’d seen on screens — I would have seen myself in it.  I didn’t hear that autistics have sensory issues until I was in my mid-twenties, which is when I first began to really research autism symptoms, and I had almost all of them:  sensitivity to light, smells, fabrics, temperatures, textures, and certain touches, all of which make me feel anxious, I fidget (stim), I never know what the hell to do with my hands or where to look, I talk too little or too much, I have special interests, I have entire animated movies memorized shot-by-shot and can remember the first time and place I saw every movie I've ever seen but I often forget what I'm trying to say mid-sentence, I echo movies and tv shows (my husband and I have a whole repertoire of shared echolalias, making up about 20% of our conversations), I was in speech therapy as a kid, I have issues with dysnomia and verbal fluency, I toe-walk, I can't multitask to save my life, I like things just-so, I’m deeply introverted but not shy, I need to recover from all social interaction — even social interaction I enjoy — and I find stupid, every day things like grocery shopping, driving and making appointments overwhelming and intensely stressful, sometimes to the point where I struggle to speak.  It turns out, I am definitely autistic. My results weren't borderline. Not even close. And while these aren’t all of my challenges, and not everyone with these symptoms is autistic, it’s definitely something to look into if you present with all of these things at once. 

So why did it take me so long to get diagnosed? The same bias that exists in media threads through the medical community as well, and because I'm a woman who can discuss the weather while smiling on cue, few people thought I was worth looking into. Even after I was fairly certain I was autistic, receiving an official diagnosis in the US is unnecessarily difficult and expensive, and in my case, completely uncovered by my insurance.  It cost me over $4000, and I could only afford it because my husband makes more money than I do as a freelance illustrator — a job I fell into largely because it didn’t require in-person work; like many autists, I have been chronically underemployed and underpaid, in part due to physical illness in my twenties, which is a topic for another day.  But it shouldn’t be like this.  It shouldn’t be so hard for adults to receive diagnoses and it shouldn’t be so hard for people to see themselves in this condition to begin with due to misinformation and stereotypes. Like many issues in America, these barriers are even higher for marginalized groups with multiple intersectionalities. 

It’s commonly said that if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.  This is why it’s called a spectrum, not because there’s a linear progression of severity (someone who appears to have low support needs like myself might need more than it seems, and vice versa), but because every autistic person has their own strengths and weaknesses, challenges and experiences, opinions and needs.  No two people on the spectrum present in the same way.  And that’s a good thing!  No way of being autistic is inherently any better than any other, and even if someone on the spectrum struggles with things I don’t — or can do things I can’t — doesn’t make them more or less deserving of respect and human dignity.

But speaking solely for myself, the more I learn about autism, the happier I am to be autistic.  I struggle to find words and exert fine motor control, but my deep passion and fixation has made me good at art and storytelling anyway.  I find more joy watching dogs and studying leaf shapes on my walks than most people do in an entire day.  More often than not, the barriers I’ve faced weren’t due to my autism directly, but due to society being overly rigid about what it considers a valid way of existing.  My hope in writing this today is that maybe one person will realize that autism isn’t what they thought — and that being different is not the same as being less than. My hope with my fiction is to give autistic children mirrors with which to see themselves, and everyone else windows through which to see us as we actually are.

If you’re interested in learning more about autism or think you might be autistic, too, I recommend the Autism Self Advocacy Network  autisticadvocacy.org and the following books:

What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic by Annie Kotowicz

We're Not Broken by Eric Garcia

Knowing Why edited by Elizabeth Bartmess

Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, PhD

Loud Hands edited by Julia Bascom

Neurotribes by Steve Silberman

(trigger warning: the last two contain quite a lot of upsetting material involving institutionalized child abuse, but I think it’s important for people to know how often autistic children were — and are — abused simply for being neurodivergent).

Thanks for reading 💛

[kooksbunnnn]

Lost cause? 4: Can my happiness ever last?

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook× Female!Reader

Genre: Established relationship/ marriage, angst, heartbreak, makeout and kissing mentions, INFIDELITY. Panic attacks (TRIGGER WARNING). Pregnancy (do not read if this content triggers you) also, 18+, This is purely a work of FICTION please take it as FICTION only. Therapy and psychological conversations. Tears, guilt, regret and hope maybe?

Word counts: 10.1k approx

Summary: You always wondered, how would your life turn out to be if you and Jungkook had a baby? So, when you finally conceive and decide to tell your husband that you are pregnant, you didn't expect him to drop this bomb on you. You never would've thought that the surprise you planned would end up in agonized tears because of the shock your husband brings you. 

Authors note: Hello, my lovely readers, or should I call you all my bunnnnys? It sounds cute to me hehe, its a cute little name for my kooksbunnnn family, the readers who wait for me, love me, and read the stories I write. Thank you for waiting so patiently, ily guys. Here's chapter 4, I got a little carried away with words, hence the 10k 👉👈 sorry for the long wait once again, enjoy the chapter now. Bye-bye!

Previous chapter

___________________________________________

Seriously breathe louder Ross

You giggle watching an Instagram reel of a scene from friends where a pregnant Rachel snaps at Ross, who was just standing as you put another grape into your mouth from the container Jungkook packed for you with washed grapes.

As you scroll through the comments on the mentioned reel, you can't help but read some of the comments,

Comment: Rachel has such pretty hair.

True. You always wanted to try her hairstyles.

Comment: people should appreciate how the writers gave every female character a different kind of motherhood and different experiences, and it’s beautiful how they portrayed every feeling. Also, I can't imagine how one of them had a miscarriage in real.

Miscarriage. This word itself makes your body shiver with fear, and you immediately feel your throat get heavy. You shake your head at this and scroll further, not wanting to cry for the 6th time on the same day.

Comment: Being pregnant is a magical experience, sure, but it's a whole ass rollercoaster of emotions, and you won't be ready for the amount of mood swings that come with it.

Yea, No shit.

Comment: I love how Rachel had a character development nobody ever expected.

Mhm. True.

Comment: Can’t believe how they ended up together even after Ross cheated on her.

That got personal, guess it was time to delete Instagram.

Month 6 and a half, day 188 since that night and you’re surprisingly alive. The night your heart got broken and you didn't think you would make it through 2 months of life.

More like, you didn't think you could make it alone, without Jungkook. Technically? Yes, you couldn't live without seeing him or hearing him for the start of your pregnancy and now he is always around you.

Always around. Helping you sit, eat, drink, lie, puke, pee, and all this while being at his respectable distance from you.

“Cut yourself some slack, you're growing someone inside you. It's okay to be dependent while you're going through so much..” that's what your mom said when you asked her about your future and if it was a mistake going through with this.

Looking back to her advice from weeks ago you feel like you are being a little hard on yourself. Therapy. Sonograms. Lamaze classes, doctor appointments, morning-afternoon-evening sickness, hormones, mood swings, and whatnot. You feel excited for your baby to come into the world but would it be wrong if you said you were scared?

When you asked these questions to the people around you these were the answers:

Mom: “Yes honey, of course, it’s okay to be scared. Your life will change, and sometimes you feel like you won't know what you’re doing, but trust me having kids is a tiring but very beautiful experience.”

Dad: “Sweetie, it's completely normal. Your mom used to freak out a lot as well when she had you. We’re here for you, it's all gonna be okay.

Namjoon’s wife, Binna: “I have seen my sister go through it and I am gonna be honest, it is difficult and the delivery is gonna be tough but the results make it all worth it. I am so excited to start my family one day, too!”

Jin’s wife: “It's a little nerve-wracking, to be honest, but it's the best thing Y/N, trust me I have never cried harder than when I saw that my test results were not accurate, I was heartbroken. Trust me, this is the best thing that would happen to you.”

Namjoon, Jin, and Jimin in different words but similar contexts: “I don't know much about how you're feeling right now so I can't say I understand but trust me, I’ll be by your side and our dumb little brother’s side always. We’re a family, Y/N.”

Hobi and Taehyung came together while you and Jungkook were having dinner: We have seen our sisters and relatives go through pregnancy, and it honestly looks so overwhelming. We respect women more every day. We’re here always, just one call away.” They had said with smiles on their faces.

Yoongi: “I am not good with words or comforting people, Y/N, but I just wanna assure you that I am always here. All of us will be there for you both. It's not gonna be easy for you, mentally or body-wise, but never feel alone. You’re our family and always will be, no matter what.” He said, patting you like you were a kid while Jungkook sniffled sitting by your side in your sitting area.

The most common advice everyone gave was: Be easy with yourself, mentally, emotionally, and physically. You’re going through a lot.

And it was true. You and Jungkook have been working on your relationship’s progress ever since your first session, and somehow it was going pretty well. You had dinner together and he made sure he attended the sonography sessions and therapy sessions with you.

You had regular sessions together and Ms. Shin recommended you both try talking about the future ahead. No definite planning, just talking about the options.

Wall paints, cradles, toys, shopping, diaper brands, baby food, everything you could see in the future around your baby. Since the biggest reason for fixing your relationship was because of your baby, you needed to familiarize yourself sitting around talking about the little person gluing you both together.

So you both decided to have dinner together daily and decided to make a pre-baby diary while eating. Yes, it was Jungkook’s idea. It's been 8 days since the last therapy session and you have already listed the paint options for the baby’s room, went maternity clothes shopping with your husband and browsed some cradle options.

All was well, right?

On the outside, yes. In your ovaries? No.

The lingering attraction you so badly tried to avoid for the past week is still lingering in the air around you. You roll your eyes as you feel embarrassment creep up your neck at how dumb you have been behaving around your husband.

You feel emotional, horny and everything at once. Absolutely mental.

♡♡♡

“I don't think I am normal anymore.”

The therapist watches you utter the sentence with a manic like chuckle. She must be thinking you're insane. You notice how her hand freezes for a mini second and then continues to pass you the glass filled with water.

“My question, however, Mrs Jeon, was how did your weekend shopping go, but you can still go on. Why would you think such a thought?” Your therapist calmly asks you after waiting for your response to her earlier question for a good minute.

You finally take the glass of water in her hand stretched towards you after muttering a low ‘thankyou’.

After what happened with you and Jungkook and his damn damp hair, you were freaking out. One moment you were feeling like you could cry out of embarrassment but the next moment you wanted to make out with him in the kitchen while he wore his white dress shirt and those grey joggers you always loved.

Okay. You know this is weird, hence the embarrassment. Duh?! Earlier you weren't able to control the urges you felt, the mood swings, the craving, and now?! This fucking arousal.

You made an appointment with your doctor as soon as you woke up the following morning, hoping she would prescribe some pills or any kind of medications to reduce the arousal you felt but it didn’t help you much because there was no way of completely avoiding that.

The doctor didn’t suggest you take the pills that might’ve helped you because you already had a lot of mood swings and anxiety episodes, those pills could’ve worsened them. She makes sense, a lot of sense but only when you thought about it with a cool head.

But at that moment, while she was telling you all that? It's just safe to say you can grit your anger in between your teeth.

Now you were sitting in front of your therapist hoping she would help you reverse the psychology or something which would help you not feel horny for your husband.

‘Your husband who betrayed you and was now trying to make up for what he did which you were okay with and hoping for everything to be better one fucking day ago but now you feel like you wanna kiss him so badly it makes you dizzy’

It was like a mantra, hecheatedhecheatedhecheated, so that you don't pull him in to kiss the shit out of his cute little face.

When you say the same things you thought, your therapist nodded her head noting something down in her notepad. Maybe she thought you were mental.

“Mrs Jeon, I would suggest you control your sexual urges towards your husband by trying to remove yourself from the room he’s in. Considering he doesn’t sleep with you, but if he does-“ but you cut her sentence in the middle by whispering quickly in his defense.

“No-no he doesn't, he sleeps outside in the lobby.” You shake your head not making eye contact, feeling somehow guilty of your husband's daily discomfort.

“And it's completely okay, Mrs. Jeon, to have your space and have some distance. It doesn't make you a bad person.”

Damn, she is good. You need to give her great ratings. You look up at her and watch as she nods her head with a small smile making you feel at ease.

“Did you talk about this issue with Mr. Jeon?” She asks you, and you shake your head slightly. Why do you feel guilty, and what do you feel guilty of most importantly? Nodding to your reaction, she says, “Would you like to discuss why?”

“Would that even change anything?” You say with a huff a second after she finishes her sentence, frustration evident on your face.

Shrugging she says, “It might make things clearer..” her eyes slowly crinkled due to her hair falling in her eyes. Flicking it away she looks at you slightly tilting her head. “Isn't this what you chose, Mrs Jeon? Being honest is what your relationship needs at this point, isn’t it?

Sighing you realize how you might be running away from things, after all, you chose this journey. You both did and somehow you feel you might be turning into an obstacle towards a better family life, yourself.

Turning your head towards the plant in the room’s corner, you speak with a distant voice, “I don't know, All that I have gathered from the problems I have had in my life is that I could win any kind of battle if it were against my mind but if it's my heart I am fighting against? It's a fucking lost cause.”

“What do you think is the reason you would be fighting your heart, Mrs jeon?”

You scoff whipping your head towards her, eyes glistening. Digging your nails before saying what you feel just on the tip of your tongue,

“I love him.”

There's a pause, followed by your therapist humming.

“I love him so much I wanna forgive him and try to make things better but..”

“But..?”

Another pause. A suffocating one.

“I can't seem to do that to myself or my kid. What kind of an example would I be if I give in to something that's not right?!” After you notice how your expressions change into a frustrated scowl in the tiny mirror behind your therapist's head you feel your tears start to fall off.

“I am sorry.” You say sniffling and somehow embarrassed of your feelings taking over you.

“It's okay, Mrs. Jeon, here..” she offered you the tissue kept on her desk, and you wiped your tears chuckling at your situation.

How did your life get to where it was? You have no absolute fucking clue.

♡♡♡

You wince minutely when you reminisce how your last session went with Ms. Shin.

One moment you were crying because you can't forget the night he told you that he cheated on you and one moment you cried because you wanna hug him and then cry into his chest about how your hormones wanted you to kiss him but you can't because then you would cry about how you shouldn't be feeling like this about someone who betrayed you, then again you cry because you can't forget how he betrayed you.

It's like a frustrating cycle. A cycle you wanna throw off of a freaking dam to let it drown and maybe rust when the water starts to break the metal. Maybe that would help break it because there was no way in hell you could succeed in breaking it.

Not to mention how you have to pee every minute of the day and then crave pickles with some honey on them while sitting on the toilet seat.

Sounds tasty, right? Yeah, you shake your head in a quick no too as soon as you step outside and think how pickles would rather taste better with peanut butter on it.

As you deal with your tears and the spasmodic hand stomping on the pillow or table around you to let go of the kissy-kissy thoughts in your head, your husband stays clueless.

Not clueless about the hormones, na-ah.

Just the fact that you stare at him before you slap your hand on the table, or thump down the cup on the table too harshly for anyone to not notice. He tried to ask you if you felt okay. But ended up getting yelled at for not leaving you alone.

You once yelled at him for leaving the windows open which you asked to be left open, saying he should’ve known better when to close them.

This looks cute in shows and movies of how cute the mother-to-be looks yelling at a clueless husband but you on the other hand feel bad for making him feel actually at fault when he has been trying his best to make you feel comfortable.

What does he do after getting yelled at? He apologizes, does what you asked or yelled at him to do, and leaves. He still comes back and eats the dinner your mother made with you and your dad helping her out.

You feel terrible for how you are behaving around him, the worst part being that he takes everything you do and say to him without even reacting ever so slightly. You tried living life with him normally but you can’t forget the thought that lingers in the back of your head; that the favorite part of living your life with him was the affection, the touches.

It's frustrating to say the least that you haven't even hugged him in the last few months, you know that there is a reason behind the distance but since your mind tells you to create boundaries and try things again, your heart doesn’t understand how someone could try to make things better from a distance. Especially you and Jungkook.

He did everything according to how you needed without you telling him. Your childhood therapist once told you no matter how perfect a person tried to be there are certain situations where you can’t control the things the universe decides for you. She said that when you were having trouble accepting that you were the reason one of your ex-best friends changed schools, stating that you made her feel insecure. You had no idea.

So you accepted your fate, then and now as well. Doing things as they go in the flow. You had a discussion with your parents about how you are supposed to be having dinner with Jungkook as advised by your therapist so your mom and dad eat their dinner by 7 o’clock as advised by their doctors while you accompany them by having your soup or tea.

They thought it was a good idea so you agreed to do it.

By 9 o’clock or quarter to 9 Jungkook enters and you have your dinner and the discussion you are supposed to have about the baby.

It has been 15 minutes since your mom and dad went to their room after insisting on sitting with you while you wait for Jungkook to be back. You have your phone in your hand which starts to buzz with Jungkook’s name on the screen with the bunny emoji.

Picking up with a smile you answer to his voice.

God, you missed him.

Yep, you said it.

Picking up he seems like he is on the way and is trying to get his phone back from someone. “Hyung give me my phone back, hold his hands Yoongi hyung, hey-!” yes he was snatching his phone back.

You can hear a bunch of yelling noises in the background and you recognize the screaming voice immediately, Jimin. You shake your head at the chaos and smile putting a grape in your mouth.

“Hey, Y/N I am sorry I am a little late, I just wanted to ask if it's okay with me to bring Jimin and Yoongi Hyung over to your parent's house we have a bit of a situation on our hands.”

“Yeah, of course, kook, it's okay. Is everything okay though?”

Silence.

“Hello?”

“What did you call me?”

Your eyes widen at how you didn't even realize how normal this felt to you. You haven't called him Kook ever since you cried in his car after your first therapy session, always walking on eggshells.

“Y/N?”

Courage. Squeezing your fist and eyes shut you say,

“I called you k-kook. Is that not okay?”

Your leg starts to shake not knowing what to say next.

“No! Fuck, I mean it's more than okay. You know what? Let's not talk about it I don't wanna jinx it.” You can hear him smile and you can't help but widen your smile. It has been so long since you smiled this wide and you somehow feel better.

You repeat the words in your head, Don't feel guilty Y/N, go with it. Go with the flow. Cut yourself some slack. You’re going through a lot, be easy on yourself.

You smile and hear him chuckle before-

“Oh, no hyung not in my car ugh, we’ll be there in 5 minutes Y/N, I’ll reheat the food when I get there don't worry. Yoongi Hyung push his head out the window please-” And he hangs up.

Smiling at the chaotic phone call, you get up to check on your mom and dad if they are still up, wanting to tell them about the guests coming over. But since they were soundly asleep with the nightlights on, you switch them off, regulate the fan's speed, and take the phone from your sleeping-snoring mom’s hand plugging it to the charger and checking if they had water around them.

After checking up on your parents you close the door to their room and walk towards the kitchen to drink some water. Even the small activities could make a pregnant lady tired and the jug in your room was empty so you walked slowly towards the fridge. The pain getting better but still evident in your lower back which makes you put a hand on your back while you open the refrigerator.

Suddenly you spot a Harley bike model Jungkook gifted your father when he came home to meet your parents for the first time. Your father was really happy seeing the model, him being a Harley fan. If age didn't play a role in life your father would've still been traveling with your mom like those couples you saw in uni.

You remember how you and Jungkook loved to travel on his bike, you holding onto him as if your life depended on it, hair flowing from under the helmet and him accelerating the bike through the streets, hills, and empty roads leading to the cabin the whole group planned to visit during his and Namjoon’s collective birthday celebration.

Damn, you were so in love. Still are, and will probably always be.

The group has always been there for you, they're like the family you never knew you needed until they came into your life. The chaos was a part of your life, the screams, the teasing, the weekend game nights, the celebrations, movie nights which turned into everybody and their girlfriends crashing in the lobby on the mattresses Jungkook bought for the night stays.

You remember what the situation was when you met him for the first time six years ago.

♡♡♡

“Damnit Tae, jump outta here.” You argue with Taehyung as the three of you look out the window of your room.

“Fuck no. Are you mental? I’ll die if I jump out of here.” Taehyung says whisper yelling at your roommate, Aera, who rolls her eyes at her dramatic “friend” panicking with wide eyes.

“No, you won't, don’t be dramatic.” You scoff as you push him slightly in the windows direction.

“It's a whole ass floor Y/N, the fuck is wrong with you?” He scowls at you as he regains balance panicking.

“Maybe we should call Jungkook.”

“Jungkook? Jeon Jungkook with that loud-ass bike? Nice. Sneaking a boy out of our room with the help of another boy. Fan-fucking-tastic, Taehyung.” You clap two times with a straight face.

“Guys,” your friend giggles as she tries to focus on the main topic in the room, while Taehyung goes back to sit on your roommate’s bed.

“I think he is right, Y/N, we could at least get help from JK.”

“Mhm, help in getting kicked out.” You mumble not so quietly earning yourself a middle finger from Taehyung and an eyeroll from Aera.

“Fine, do whatever you want.” You say rolling your eyes.

The thing was you were only partly nervous because of your forced eviction but also because you had never met Jungkook, the campus crush. More like the crush of every girl who saw him on his bike. You were not one of them, at least you wouldn't admit that but you wouldn't deny that he was a pretty face to look at and a very hot piece of ass to stare at. The proportions of that man were totally insane.

Tiny waist, big- biteable chest, broad shoulders, thick thighs, luscious hair locks, biceps people could hang on, the all-black outfit, and the very contrasting facial features. If he wore a helmet people wouldn't imagine how the guy had big doe boba eyes and a cute mole under his lips, skin better than half of the girls who spent so much on products. He always had that glint in his eyes making him seem so innocent, innocent but with a physique that can crush people.

You never talked to him so you don't know how he sounds or if he is a rude person. You just know he is Taehyung’s friend whom he hangs out with around the campus.

While you thought about how Jungkook might or might not be your crush, Taehyung called him and you all got up to sneak him out of the house.

“Wait you don't need to come if you don't want to Y/N,” Aera said after looking around the hallways and telling Taehyung to tiptoe downstairs since her aunt’s room was on the same floor as yours.

“H-Huh? N-no I wanna go as well. So that if she wakes up I can tell her we both went out to get some fresh air while the guys ran away y-you know? “

You said. Terrible at lying. You wanted to see the man coming to save his friend.

Your friend was in a hurry sneaking her fuck buddy out so she didn't pay attention to what you said and how you said it. A total stuttering mess.

Walking out of the house you never imagined him to be so..so..so tasty. Thats the only words that come to your mind. He parked his bike at a safe distance because of how much noise it made and approached you guys.

The image in your hand was like the 480p version of how beautiful and ethereal he was but in reality, he had tattoos. Tattoos! Not even a small one, a whole arm that stretched inside his white sleeveless tee.

You thanked the cloth gods for making this particular article of clothing because you needed to see how hot men you would want to eat up looked in it.

“Told you, you would need my help.” He smirks as Taehyung walks past him only turning around to come back and give Aera a quick kiss and then running away again, making her blush.

“Run dumbass, their landlord would skewer us on her cane,” Taehyung says and you chuckle at how exaggerated he made Aera’s aunt sound. At your chuckle, Jungkook looks at you and you pause mid-laugh when you notice him looking at you.

“Hi, I’m Jungkook.” He extends his hand towards you and you blush not knowing how to respond to his raspy voice.

“Yeah, I know you.” You say staring at him with heat on your cheeks and immediately kick yourself mentally.

You sound like a fucking creep. I know you? seriously?

He smiles, “..and you are..?

“Oh I’m so sorry, I didn't mean to be rude I’m Y/N, Hi heh.” You extend your hand to shake his and he whispers your name under his breath eyes still looking into yours.

“Hi Y/N, you’re very pretty.” While he rubs his thumb on your already heating skin making it burst into flames as he rubs it again.

“Kook!” Taehyung yells and you break the eye contact, taking your hand back.

“It's okay don't be sorry, I didn't find you rude rather, I found you cute.” He says as you look at him again. You think it was an imagination of your beauty-struck head or maybe it was due to dark but..did he just check you out?

You give him a confused look at what he said, making him chuckle. He sounds so deliciously hot and raspy. God.

“That you know who I am, considering how you’re always in the art studio. I found it cute.” He says with a smile leaning slightly towards your face and you lean back at the same time he leans in. He stays towering over you and maybe notices your expressions. You just hope he didn't notice how red your cheeks might be.

Does he know about the art studio? Only people close to you knew about it.

Seeing your wide eyes, he straightens up to his original height and chuckles. He sounds so good, it reaches inside you and you knew that you were fucked.

“Kook?” You didn't even notice when Taehyung came back to drag his friend back. Slapping his shoulder and then sprinting towards the bike again.

“Kook, let's go. She switched on some kind of light in her room oh god. She’ll beat your and my asses collectively.” Taehyung yells waving his friends over.

“Hey we’re gonna be in the beat party as well, Y/N lets go,” Aera speaks from the driveway of her aunt's house, slowly retrieving her steps.

But you were stuck. Stuck on how his bunny teeth played with the piercing on his lips. Not being able to bear eye contact with him, you flicked your eyes away.

When Taehyung yelled again from a distance, Jungkook responded with a ‘yea yea coming’ while stepping backward with his white sleeveless tee sticking to his body.

Generally, you didn't like summers but you were so glad it was hot enough that he decided to wear a sleeveless outfit, for you to ogle his tattoos.

Taehyung and Aera were already away from the both of you, Taehyung at a safer distance from the house and Aera still waiting for you at the house hoping her aunt just woke up for her nightly washroom trips and didn't see you guys with these beautiful men.

With a smile on his face, he stepped back facing you. Clicking his tongue twice to get your attention, you looked at him to immediately regret locking eyes with him. He winked at you and said, “See you around, sweetheart.”

You swear you saw his eyes flitting to your lips and then to your skirt that was flowing with the slight wind in the surroundings before he turned around and ran towards his panicking friend.

You knew he was casually flirting and was out of your league. And since you didn't believe your luck would suddenly turn out to be on your side you didn't think of his wink as something more than something casual.

But goddamnit, the crush you never admitted to, was finally admitted in your heart.

♡♡♡

You smile as you pick the model in your hand at the fond memories of how you tried so hard to remain just friends with the guy even though he hung out with you daily, accompanied you in your art studio confirming he knew about you before meeting you. You never knew your friendship could be more than what it was but maybe growing up and getting jobs made you want to prioritize yourself and your wants, so you decided to tell him how you felt but he beat you to it three days before you planned on confessing.

“Sorry sweetheart, wanted to kiss you as my girlfriend on Valentine's Day without the fear of rejection in the back of my brain.” That's what he said before he kissed the living daylights out of you on the gazebo at your favorite park.

You smile remembering how he took you to the park saying the cherry blossoms were blooming early that year, you believed him nodding with excitement and you went along with him running and holding hands. Reaching there you were sad that no blossoms were blooming but then he gave you the promise ring he ordered from the vintage store you loved so much. You knew it cost him a lot but when you asked him about it he just chuckled deeply avoiding that question and before you could pick that topic again he kneeled on one knee and asked you to be his girlfriend officially.

You smile at the memories and keep the bike model back on the shelf, the flashback coming to a halt as you come back to the living room when your phone buzzes with your husband's name on it.

He didn't ring the doorbell nowadays to be cautious in case your parents were asleep. So you went to the door and opened it already expecting Jimin leaning on Jungkook’s shoulders while Yoongi just snickered at his younger brother, seeming unconscious but Jimin was very much awake, also very very drunk as he clung to Yoongi telling him everything was going to be okay. Jungkook held three bags as he gave you a sheepish smile at his Hyungs’ behavior.

“Yes, Yes, Jimin. It's gonna be okay.” Yoongi held Jimin very firmly while giving you a small smile before asking where to put him so that he could blubber nonsense somewhere your neighbors wouldn't hear.

Jungkook chuckles and leads them to the guest room while muttering a ‘hi’, looking at you from head to toe as if checking if you had any injuries.

“Hi,” you whisper, enough for him to catch your voice.

“How was your day?” You ask trying to take the bags from his hand but he tilts his body giving you a look that says ‘Really?’.

Sighing with a smile, you close the door and follow him inside.

“It was good- Oh shit the guest room door is locked. Wait hyung let me get the key” he put the bags on the counter while a grunting Yoongi held a wobbly Jimin in his hands.

“Wow realized it so soon,” Yoongi says sarcastically l as Jimin looks at you with a smile on his face. Gasping dramatically, he removes himself from his brother's shoulders and comes towards you, slightly tilted, but he somehow reaches you.

“I can see your baby.” Your eyes widen at what he said and you scoff a laugh as Jimin kneels down in front of your belly.

“He means you’re showing, and he is noticing that now, only, he sounds creepy as fuck.” Yoongi walks back to the sofa and sits down with a long sigh.

“May I please?” He says as hovers his hands over your belly with big puppy eyes and you chuckle at how patiently he wants you to answer.

“Yes, Jimin you may.” You say with a laugh and he whispers to your tummy hovering his hand above it like it's a crystal ball.

“Hi tiny person, I am Jimin, your godfather..” he giggles at the end of his sentence while you hear Yoongi chuckle from the couch.

“The fuck? When did we decide that hyung?” Jungkook stands next to you with keys hanging from his fingers, narrowed gaze focused on his elder brother.

“Shhhhhh” Jimin shushes Jungkook loudly almost spitting on your belly. You laugh as he looks pointedly at Jungkook.

“You don’t get to decide that. Dumbass.” Jimin slurs out and tries to get up grabbing the trousers Jungkook wore, almost making him fall over with his weight.

“Hyung, fuck you’re heavy when drunk.”

“I fucking know right? I don’t know how that happens..” Yoongi mumbles typing something on his phone, stretching his neck sideways to pop the strained muscle.

Jungkook stumbles while you also try to help him balance Jimin by bending slightly to keep a hand on his shoulders, but then you remove it as Jungkook whispers ‘I got him I got him’ assuringly not wanting you to take any strain.

Smiling to yourself you walk over to the couch adjacent to where Yoongi was sitting, asking if he needed water or anything like that.

“Nah I’m good. Thanks.” He waves his hand as he keeps his phone aside watching how Jungkook manages to drag Jimin back.

“...You’ll look good in a tutu as well..” Jimin says to Jungkook poking a finger to his sides continuously. “You know a white one with stars on it, I’ll gift it to the baby so that you can match your outfits then” Jungkook rolls his eyes in annoyance as Jimin’s voice fades into the guest room Jungkook opens for him to sleep in.

“Let me go check up on him yeah?” Yoongi says softly getting up from the couch, picking up a banana on the way to the guest room. Raising one of his brows and the fruit in the air as if asking for permission to eat it. You tilt your head with narrowed eyes passing on the message, ‘You have to ask?’

He smiles slightly shrugging and heads towards the guest room while pealing the banana.

“Jungkook, is he under control now or still wobbly- oh, fuck no-“ Yoongi asks from outside of the room but then pauses in his tracks as you hear Jungkook whine slightly out of disgust and you immediately get up feeling a slight ache in your lower back due to the hurry.

“Is everything okay?” You ask concern evident in your eyes.

Yoongi chuckles and moves away from the door, shaking his head. “Not gonna eat this now, sorry, Y/N.” He says, still laughing.

“Oh no did he-“Before you could say something Jungkook stomps his way out of the guest room and you immediately feel nausea entering you seeing your husband's sleeve covered in vomit.

“Hyung could you please help me heat the food? I’m gonna go take a shower, sorry hyungie just please-“ he continues walking towards the common bathroom at the end of the hall.

“Sure” Yoongi chuckles moving towards the fridge.

“I’ll help you..” you take a step towards the crockery cupboard.

“No, I’m fine. I’ll do it, you sit.” He says pausing you midway.

“No Yoongi lemme help..” you say but he just points the small spoon towards the island chair.

“It's okay Y/N I’ll do it.” He says nodding while opening the Tupperware filled with the various side dishes and the tofu-miso stew.

“I just don't wanna trouble you Yoongi, thanks though.” You say giving up on offering help as he heats the food one by one in the microwave.

“Oh it's not for free, I am taking the godfather’s title in exchange for this.” He smirks glancing at the room Jimin slept in.

“Yeah okay, try beating Jimin for the title. You chuckle looking in the same direction for a second and then at the man heating up the food. While he just gives you a small laugh while warming up the rice in the cooker, mumbling, “We’ll see who wins.”

You smile and pat your feet on the ground in a rhythm as Yoongi places the food on the kitchen island. You feel guilty for making him do this but he has already rejected your help three times so there was no point in arguing over it.

“Y/N?” Yoongi whispers looking at a plate in his hand.

“Yea?”

“I know it's none of my business and I should not even say something about this but can I just say it's really nice that you’re trying again?” He says lifting his head to look at your reaction to what he said.

You feel yourself freeze, this is the first time you had a conversation about your situation with Jungkook, the cheating, and the decision to try again. You sure talked about the pregnancy and yes there was always that lingering awkwardness in the air but this was new.

“Yea..” you sigh looking at your lap for a second and then lifting your head to give him a soft smile.

“Not everyone is lucky enough to get a chance to revive their relationship.” He says still looking at the plate while tracing the pattern on it with his index finger.

You know that his relationship ended badly, you knew how much he loved his girlfriend, you know he acts like it's okay but his dark circles tell another story, you know he looks thin and exhausted all the time but acts like it's nothing.

You know it's not nothing.

“Yoongi, I am sorry about-“But before you could finish your sentence he laughs almost in pain.

“It's okay Y/N, it's done, she is gone. She is happy without me and I can't change that.” He says and you feel your heart break at how small he sounds.

“It sucks but it's true.” He says softly, half to you half to himself, still trying to process his grief over the relationship he lost. After an uncomfortable pause, he continues.

“I saw him Y/N,” he points his chin in the direction of the washroom Jungkook was taking a shower in when you look at him confused at the change of topic.

“..and don't think I am taking his side 'cause he is like a brother to me but I say this honestly, he was devastated while he was away from you.” You just stare at him with eyes round and wide not expecting this conversation to go this way.

“He forgot to eat and sleep, just kept asking Jin Hyung and me if we saw you or if any other of guys saw you.” He says while you look at him nervously talking about the topic, picking his nails.

“Do you remember the time you were at the hospital due to your abdominal pain?” You nod at his question feeling your throat tighten up uncomfortably so you divert your gaze down at the plate with little blue flowers printed on the ceramic.

“He ran to the hospital since his car was still parked at your previous address.” Your eyes widen and you whip your head toward the man standing in front of you.

What does he mean he ran?

“What?” You whisper.

“Taehyung had a night shift and he was alone at the apartment. I tried to tell him to wait for me to pick him up when he called to ask if Taehyung left office or not, but he just hung up saying it would take too long.”

“So he ran to you.” You feel your throat tighten as humanly possible, eyes burning.

Wasn’t Taehyung’s house almost double times the way compared to your route connecting your house to the hospital? You can't even comprehend how he felt when you didn't even talk to him that day.

Shouldn’t you feel like he deserved to feel like that? Shouldn't you say that he did that to himself? That was what you should've said right? But your heart thumps harder every second making your eyes spill the tears gathering in them.

You remember Jungkook was really out of breath and was also wearing different slippers that day.

“Since it was pretty late, he couldn't even book a cab quickly..” Yoongi looks at you and notices how your gaze is zeroed onto him and immediately understands your expressions.

“Hey, I am not trying to make you feel bad or something like that, what he did and what you guys decided is totally none of my business but I just wanted to tell you that giving a second chance is not easy and I really wish things work out for your relationship. I really appreciate you both working through so much stress you know? I can see what his vision meant when he wanted to quit last month.”

“What?” You whisper

“No no, he doesn't want to quit now, I mean after what you both decided Namjoon talked to Mr. Park and handled it..” when Yoongi doesn’t see you respond to whatever he said he realizes that you look lost.

“You don't know, do you?”

“Don't know what?” You whisper again, heart racing. Why do you feel you're not gonna like what he is gonna say?

There is a pause, a very uncomfortable pause. He visibly scans your face and inhales sharply as if deciding against or in favor of telling you about the whole situation.

You clench your pajama pants into your fists as your hand rests on your lap. The kitchen felt stuffy all of a sudden. This might seem like an overreaction but your body feels defensive all of a sudden, deciding between running away or ripping the bandaid off.

Deciding on the latter you ask,

“Yoongi, please tell me?” You request softly and at your almost inaudible request, Yoongi sighs, giving up. He shuts his eyes for a second and then looks up smiling sadly at you.

You hold your breath.

“Um, he was promoted to be the next VP of the agency, and uh..” he rubs the back of his neck looking away, avoiding the eye contact with you.

“And he rejected it?” You whisper and Yoongi nods, still not looking at you.

“The job required him to give more time into his job, more hours away from home. From you and her.” He looks at you and then points his chin in your tummy’s direction.

“So when they told him the details about the hours and the business trips, he immediately refused. Since he was the most eligible person for the job, the CEO, Mr Park..” he says,

“Mr. Park.” You say at the same time nodding.

“Yes, Mr. Park tried convincing him saying he’ll adjust according to your due date and whatever changes Kook would want to his schedule but this kid..” Yoongi chuckles shaking his head, “..rejected it, saying if he had to quit the job he would do it but he would not add onto whatever hours he was working.”

“Then suddenly..” Yoongi picks up a tangerine from the fruit bowl and starts peeling it.

“He came up with an idea of actually quitting in order to give more time to you and your child, so when Namjoon said and I quote, ‘Y/N is gonna kill you if you do that, she knows how much you worked for this’ Jungkook said that you both decided mutually that rejecting the promotion was okay and you were okay with whatever he decided about his job. Which…looking at you right now doesn't seem like it.” Yoongi looks at you with a hesitant expression, offering you the peeled fruit.

You feel your ears heat up and not out of good reason, you are actually mad at him. You were hearing all of this for the first time and you can't believe he backed off from the job he got offered after working so hard. The reason he used to work his ass off, extra time, no holidays, always punctual, not caring about his meals and whatnot, and then just fucking backed off?

"When was this?" You say gritting your teeth, eyes glistening with angry tears, eyes still on Yoongi.

You take the piece of fruit from his hand and shove it in your mouth, eyes red with tears in them.

“Y/N..”

“Why didn't he tell me? And wait a minute he said it was a mutual decision?! What the hell?”

“Y/N, he must have had a reason for saying so, he did explain the reasons and it sounded like he gave it a lot of thought. “

“Don’t you mean WE gave it a lot of thought? hah.” You say chuckling bitterly, swallowing the fruit, your hand going through your hair in frustration as you face the direction where your husband showers unaware of the angry volcano on the other side of the bathroom door.

“What the hell is wrong with him?!” You almost scream but lower your voice remembering your parents are asleep, immediately looking around warily and Yoongi does the same, with similar expressions on his face.

“Sorry, I just feel so mad right now.” You say squeezing your eyes shut, speaking through your teeth.

“I guess you should talk to him,” he says looking at you softly.

“You’re damn right I will-“ you say

“But not now, privately, okay?”

You look at him breathing heavily, cheeks wet with tears, his eyes pleading to not lose your calm immediately. You look at his anger and countless emotions swirling in your mind, nose flaring.

“Ah, okay fine.” You say throwing your hands in frustration, coming back to wipe the tears off your cheeks.

The next few minutes Yoongi tried not to talk about anything and you just swirled your spoon in the spoon Yoongi served for you. He constantly made sure you were sipping the soup, giving you water, and peeling another tangerine for you.

He almost sighed in relief when the bathroom door clicked open and Jungkook came out of the washroom. The steam rushed out of the white-tiled space along with a drippy Jungkook and a goddamned towel around his waist.

You feel madder now. Is that even a word? You don't care because that's how you feel. Madder.

Remember when you said how your emotions were on a roll these days? Yea. It was an understatement because the moment you saw your husband with that damned towel hanging low on his hips your anger turned into angry horniness, you wished, only for a second, but wished Yoongi wasn't here so that you could straddle the half-naked guy and ask him about the stupid decision he made.

Although Jungkook had immediately rushed into the room to get some clothes on him it was enough to make your ovaries light up on fire. You're mad and horny, two things that don't go well for you. Especially not in this state.

"Hey guys I am sorry, I had to wash off all that puke stench. Why didn't you guys start eating yet?"

"I don't know maybe you took very long to shower." You snap at your husband and he freezes in his tracks to get the plate.

"Y/N, I was there for only 10 mins."

“I don't know, felt like 10 years."aAt your tone Jungkook looks at you concerned and then at Yoongi who watches awkwardly, the whole scene unfolding in front of him.

"Guys you know what I think I am gonna head home, I have eaten with Jimin earlier and need sleep."

“No- yoongi eat please-“ you request feeling guilty for making him awkward.

“Yes hyung, please finish your dinner.” Jungkook says, looking at his hyung but then flicking his gaze back at you.

“No no its really okay.” Yoongi says, already walking away from the island.

"Okay, hyung." He says after a second his eyes wandering back to you observing your sour mood. Eyebrows furrowed with thought while you just chewed on the rice mixed with the curry not looking at Jungkook after waving to Yoongi.

Yoongi walks towards the doorway with slow steps, the footsteps echoing along with the tinkled spoon made inside the curry bowl. He grabs the keys and walks towards the two of you, giving you a nod and patting Jungkook’s back.

"Take care Y/N and you too, kook." He stares two seconds longer at the younger male and then nods at him. Jungkook gets up halfway to which Yoongi waves in a signal for Jungkook to not bother seeing him off.

The door clicks shut leaving you and Jungkook in silence.

"Y/N wha-"

"Eat, Jungkook."

At your stern tone, Jungkook flinches and just resumes eating in silence. Silence for almost 10 minutes. 10 slow and irritating minutes. It was like the clock ticked 10 seconds forward and then 40 seconds backward. The silence added to the awkwardness you both felt, making the time more unbearable.

Again, did you mention slow?

All the thoughts come back to your mind, every emotion holding your neck in a chokehold, everything that you’ve felt since the day started comes back. The conversation with your mom about how she asked you if you wanted to move back in with ever, you thought your mom wanted you to leave so you cried. All the emotions you felt then catching up to you.

The thoughts of being alone with him made you happy and cry at the same time in the afternoon while you finished working on the report your seniors asked you to finish before your leave started. You feel all the emotions you felt while rewatching the notebook in the evening before dinner. You feel all the emotions at once, those emotions which you felt when Jungkook called you from his car and, also when he called you from his office to check if you had your medicine.

The emotions of frustration and anger when Yoongi told you about the job offer and how your husband rejected it. The thoughts about something bad happening to your child come back and make your head dizzy. It's too much at the same time. You're happy that he is eating his food in silence because if he did say anything before you finish, you might actually run to the bathroom to vomit all of your emotions.

After minutes of frustration and anger and sadness and silence, you finally got up and almost threw the plate in the sink, Jungkook tried to get your plate but you just brushed past him huffing finally making Jungkook ask you the question you didn't want to hear and hear at the same time.

You wanted to talk to him about the whole thing and didn't at the same time. You were on an emotional rollercoaster, and Jungkook was gonna be the bird that hit the coaster blades, getting hurt.

"Y/N did I do something wrong?"

"Oh, do you do anything right these days Jungkook? I don't think so." You chuckle throwing the glass of water into the sink thankfully not breaking it.

Turning towards your husband, you immediately regret saying what you said because he just looks like a kicked puppy. Big eyes filled with gloss, nose red, and wobbly chin. His features make you feel like the worst human being on this planet.

"Y/N, I am sorry for whatever it is but can you tell me what's wrong?" He whispers looking- no, pleading with his eyes as you stand like a wall in front of him.

"You tell me, did you do anything to make me feel stupid and pathetic recently?" You say pointedly. Venom. Pure venom.

"Baby.."

"Don’t. Don't call me that." You say firmly.

"Shit- I am sorry Y/N please tell me what happened..wait-" You push yourself away from the counter instantly feeling the pain in your lower back.

“Bab- Y/N wait.” He rushes to your side holding one of your hands and one holding your waist, giving you support but somehow his touch stings, in the best way. You hate your mind and heart. You just hate it.

“No, I can walk myself I am not a toddler.” He doesn't let go of your hand even though you tell him to, he helps you walk towards your room. You try to tell him that you can walk alone but he doesn't listen instead he just hums or mutters 'I know' and it infuriates you more.

Why isn’t he saying anything? You’re literally acting like a spoiled kid right now.

Opening the door he walks you inside the room and helps you sit on the bed. As you take heavy breaths placing a hand on your chest you feel how rapidly your heart raced.

Removing the lid of the glass sitting on your nightstand, he helps you sip some of the liquid. You feel tears in your eyes and when he removes the glass from your lips he just smiles sadly at you and wipes the tears from your face with his thumb.

Leaning into his touch you say, "Why are you okay with me being like this to you?"

Okay, that's a dumb question ask Jeon Y/N, you're mad at him but just looking at him you feel like you are treating him like shit for something he doesn't deserve. Of course, he cheated on you, of course, you want to not love him because of that, and of course, your heart aches when you think of the betrayal but can you ever unlove him? Can you ever hurt him knowing you're gonna hurt him and not feel bad? Can you ever just look at him and feel nothing for him? Can you ever not love him?

Your head feels buzzed and when he speaks and your anger explodes.

"I deserve it, baby." You scrunch his t-shirt in your hand and pull him towards you, making him almost fall on you but he regains his balance by placing one of his hands on the comforter. With wide eyes, he just stares at you and the way your eyes brim with fresh tears. He tilts his head as if feeling guilty for the tears but you don't let him say anything.

"Why?" At this he looks at you confused.

The other tattooed hand finds its way on top of your wrist holding his t-shirt and you feel your sanity fly away for a second but at his confused expression, you feel your anger come back.

"Y/N what-" he sputters with big eyes

"Why did you reject the job offer?" you finally say.

Pin. Drop. Silence.

"What?" he breathes out.

"You think you can make that big of a decision by yourself? " you say sniffling.

"How did you-"

"How did I know? How about, why didn't I know?" You raise your voice slightly, and he shuts the door so that your parents don't get their sleep interrupted, tilting slightly towards the entrance, your bed not being that far from the door.

"Y/N I am sorr-" you cut him off mid sentence.

"Sorry? How many things are gonna be okay just because you apologize Jungkook?! It was your dream, you worked so hard for it.." you say feeling tears spill out of your eyes and when he just looks down at your lap with his lips twisted in a straight line guiltily, you can't help but yell at him a bit, "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

You didn't realize when your hand shifted from the t-shirt's neckline to his neck. You realize that only when his eyes shut for a second at the feeling of your hands on his face, the other hand coming to sit on top of the comforter on the other side of your body. Holding onto his face you asked him the question with big teary eyes, wet cheeks, and a wobbly chin.

"Tell me, kook?"

Sighing he answers, "Baby, they wanted me to go away."

"Don't lie to me, Jungkook, please. Yoongi told me they were ready to fix the schedule according to you -"

"And you think they were gonna do that for me forever?" He asks.

"Why did you say that I agreed then? Why did you lie? Why didn't you come talk to me? Do you think I wouldn't have understood or that you think it's not important for me to know?"

"Would you have let me quit if I wanted to?" He asked instantly.

You pause. Dammit.

"You see? That's why I didn't tell you. You're already handling so many responsibilities, I didn't wanna worry you more." He says, eyes turning soft.

You look at him. Eyes looking at him trying to find dishonesty, the thing was, Jungkook doesn't lie. Even after he did what he did, he came out to you truthfully. It hurt but you're where you are because he was honest. It's the bare minimum, honesty, but its rare. At least in your experience. But not with Jungkook. He can't lie.

"They were willing to change my schedule for me only until she is born.." he says looking at your tummy and then lifting his eyes to look at you.

"..I can't risk being away from you again. It might sound like I am lying but Y/N, baby, I don't wanna be away from you even for a single second. I wanna prove myself to be worthy of a second chance. I wanna be worthy of you and her. I can’t imagine my life even for a second without you or her. You can push me all you want, you can yell at me all you want but don't tell me that I should've chosen a job and not my family. I know I don’t have an answer for why I did what.." he pauses gulps and continues.

"...I did, I myself don't know why I did it, and trust me if I could turn back the time I would. But baby..." he puts his hand on yours that is resting on his cheek waiting for a second, barely visible, but he waits for some kind of negative reaction to him touching you. When he senses none, he continues,

"...I love you, and I will love you for my whole life, I will love you and my family until I breathe. I am so sorry for fucking things up but I want to fix them, I can fix them, we will fix it. Just don't please.." he squeezes his eyes shut slightly squeezing your hand as well.

"... don't ask me to go away from you. I can't live away from you. I would quit my job if that's what it takes to be with my family, to take care of my family, to take care of you, and to take care of us. Please tell me I can be with you, can you please tell me you don’t want me to go away? Pleas- “

You tell him exactly that, but not verbally because wasn’t it ironic how he feels sorry for not knowing why he did what he did when you don't even think of any second thoughts before you do what you do, without knowing why.

Lips crashing on his, you shut him up with an answer you feel him absorbing inside him. He freezes when you kiss him, his breath stuttering when you move your lips against him. You squeeze his t-shirt in desperate need, and you feel him flutter his eyelids against your cheekbones, your tears mixing with his, and he kisses you back.

Does it last? Does your happiness last? No.

As soon as he moves his lips, you hear him sniffle and break the kiss. His eyes are still red, and his cheeks are slightly wet as well. He sniffles again, but the only sound you can hear is your heartbreaking because he moves away.

Away from the bed. Away from the comforter. Away from the kiss. Away from you.

He gets up and takes a step back, shaking his head, eyes squeezed shut. He curses under his breath as if regaining his composure while you just stare at the space where he was sitting earlier.

“I- I am sorry, Y/N. I shouldn't, I can't. I am really sorry, I shouldn't. I just shouldn't. I am sorry.”

And he leaves the room, shutting the door, not completely but leaving it slightly ajar. It's just like he does always. You hear the kitchen tap opening. He probably is doing the dishes. You hear everything from outside the door, but you feel like there's radio silence in your room.

A low beep-like sound ringing in your ears, embarrassment? Hurt? Love? Anger? Betrayal? Pain? Need? Desire? You feel so much at once, and you don't know what to do with it. This is getting so much more fucked and somehow you both find new ways to make this way tougher than anyone can imagine.

After some time, you hear the lights outside click off, and you can't help but wish he came to you. He does, but only to keep a fresh glass of water on the nightstand. He wishes you good night in a whisper, glancing once at your face and then,

...leaves.

Well, shit.

___________________________________________

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[sansaorgana]

Hello love! I simply adore your writing and I was wondering if I could get a Gale Cleven x reader who's dealing with infertility? Probably something angsty? If not, that's totally fine. I'm just having a bit of a rough day :/

hi, sweetheart! 🥺 I'm sorry that you're having a rough day... I am trying to write these stories chronologically but I decided to write this one today so you don't have to wait too long 😊 btw I know that we treat Buck as a fictional character here but as far as I am concerned, real Buck Cleven never had children – at least I've never seen them mentioned anywhere like Bucky's daughters or Crosby's kids 🤔

my inbox is open for blurb/short fic requests for major cleven 🤗

You didn’t want to go there at all but you knew that you should leave the house finally for your own mental health. Buck was looking worried about you, too, and you wanted to show him that you were slowly getting better after your last miscarriage. But the truth was that some part of you was dying with each one of them.

For the first time it had been sad but not devastating yet – it was common to happen after all. Second time had started to make you worry. Third and fourth had only been a confirmation of your fear – you wouldn’t give your husband a child and you wouldn’t become a mother unless someone comes up with a magical cure.

Your best friend Eva was the only person who had known about it and she was as worried as Buck was. When one of your and Eva’s friends, Nancy, had decided to throw a tea party, Eva insisted on taking you there. So you dressed up and let her take you in her car as Buck watched from the window with a faint smile.

Eva was an independent woman. After her husband’s death in the war she decided not to marry again. She got her own car and managed most things on her own. She was a wild and free spirit and she never wanted to have children so as much as you appreciated her effort to help you – you knew that she would never fully understand your struggle.

The tea party took place at Nancy’s house. There were a few other women and you all sat by the table and sipped on the warm beverage from the china set Nancy had gotten for her wedding. She looked excited and her eyes were sparkling all the time as she was smiling widely. Eventually, you found out the reason behind that.

“So, I wanted you all to come here because… Because I have something to tell you, girls,” she giggled and all the women looked at her, curiously.

You felt a knot forming in your stomach. You already felt what it was.

“I’m pregnant!” She announced and everyone cheered. You did too, forcing a smile. Eva’s hand found yours under the table and squeezed yours to show you a silent support.

You felt tears forming in the corners of your eyes. You got angry at Eva for convincing you to come here but it wasn’t her fault after all, she couldn’t know… You looked around and realised that all other women in the room had children already or were pregnant. Except for you and Eva but she didn’t count since she didn’t want to become a mother anyway.

But the worst hadn’t happened yet.

“Now it’s (Y/N)’s turn,” Nancy smiled at you and you put the cup down with a shaky hand.

“Stop pushing her,” Eva reacted immediately.

“Don’t be like this, Eva. You hope she will never be a mother so you won’t be alone in this,” Nancy’s sister, Hannah, snapped at her.

“We don’t really think about having children, Buck and I,” you smiled nervously and the women looked at each other.

“My husband didn’t want them either but I convinced him,” Janis grinned at you, thinking that her words were in any way helpful.

“We just don’t…” you started and your voice broke. Eva jumped in the conversation quickly.

“Stop pushing her!” She insisted angrily.

“I’m only saying, he can wait but she cannot,” Nancy shrugged her arms.

You didn’t want to make a scene and leave after that so you only pretended to be more interested with the piece of cake on your plate although swallowing it was extremely difficult with a gulp in your throat. You waited about half an hour before nodding at Eva discreetly.

“It’s time for us,” she stood up and grabbed her purse. “I promised Buck to take her back home by eight.”

“These officers, they are all about discipline,” you chuckled while excusing yourself and picked your purse up as well. “Can’t have my Major waiting too long.”

You left the house as fast as possible and waited for Eva by her car.

“I’m sorry, darling,” she told you when she finally joined you. “I had no idea.”

“Let’s not… Let’s not talk about it, alright?” You sniffed back the tears and she nodded, furrowing her eyebrows at you but respecting your wish to stay silent.

In fact, you both remained silent for the whole ride home and she only kissed your cheek when she parked by your lawn and you jumped out of the car to go back inside and hide from the world.

Buck was in the living room, crouching down next to the TV set with a screwdriver in his hand as he worked on some adjustments. You smiled through the tears and leaned on the wall, shyly.

“You’re back already?” He mumbled without looking up.

“Yeah, it was no fun,” you answered. “What are you on about again, Buck?”

“The signal keeps being bad, I can fix that, I think,” he explained.

“Just don’t hurt yourself and, most importantly, don’t break the TV,” you sighed, trying to be in a playful and teasing mood but it was difficult, especially while seeing him – the man you loved… whom you couldn’t give a child.

You burst into tears all of sudden and Buck looked up, worryingly.

“Hey, baby, what’s wrong?” He put the screwdriver down and approached you as quickly as possible to put his hands on your shoulders.

“Nancy… She… She’s pregnant,” you told him and he sighed before pulling you closer and pressing your face to his chest.

“I’m sorry, darling…” He rubbed your back, not knowing what to say.

“And she asked about us not having a baby of our own…” You tugged on his shirt.

“That is none of that woman’s business why we don’t have a baby of our own,” you heard Buck’s voice getting more stern and angry.

“I know… I told her we don’t want babies… I didn’t know what else to say…” You explained.

“It’s alright,” he shushed you and kissed the top of your head.

“No, it’s not…” You looked up with your wet eyes and makeup running down your face. You could see the pain on his face from witnessing you this way and you hated to bring him sadness, too, but you couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. “She said you have time but I am running out of it.”

Buck’s jaw clenched at the words. He hated when anyone was hurting you either with words or actions – no matter if it was a man or woman.

“Nancy’s never been a bright girl, you know that, baby?” He cupped your wet cheeks and leaned in closer to your face. You nodded, unsurely. “Girls like her only care about keeping a husband at home and showing off in town.”

“But I care about keeping a husband, too,” you gasped.

Buck sighed and shook his head, looking for the right words.

“Come here, baby,” he lowered his hands to hold yours as he led you on the sofa and sat you on his lap. You threw your arms around his neck and he pulled you closer by your hip and thigh. “How many times do I have to tell you, sweetheart, that you’re all I want? Only you,” he pecked your lips softly. “You make me the happiest already. Having a baby with you would be only an addition, it’s already perfect the way it is. If we have a baby, I’ll be happy. But if we don’t, I’ll be just as much satisfied,” he explained to you. “And I won’t let anyone say bad things about my beautiful and wonderful wife.”

“Buck…” Your lower lips trembled. “It brings me comfort to know you don’t really care about it but…”

“It’s not that I don’t care. Don’t say that,” he interrupted you. “I care.”

“I know, I’m sorry… But I want this baby. I want to have a baby with you more than anything in the world. I am glad you’ll be as happy without it but I don’t think I will be…” You looked down, ashamed of your confession.

Buck stayed silent for a while, caressing you and keeping you close as he rested his chin on your head and sighed.

“I know, my sweet girl, you just want a baby to love and take care of, right?”

“Yes…” You nodded. “And… And I hate how jealous I get when I see other women with babies or being pregnant. It brings the worst out of me and I don’t like this version of me.”

“Shh, hey, love, there are lots of babies out there who want a mummy to love them and take care of them just as much, you know?” He asked in a soft whisper and you looked up at him.

“What are you suggesting? That we should adopt?” You raised an eyebrow at him.

“Only if you want to,” he nodded and raised his hand to caress your head gently. “I want you to be happy, darling. That’s all I want, nothing else. I hate to see you so sad all the time,” he confessed and smiled sadly.

“It would be lovely to adopt a baby but I’m scared it won’t be the same… Because I want to have your baby, Gale… Ours,” you fixed yourself.

“You know that I’d do everything to make your dream come true, I really would. But some things… They’re just impossible to happen sometimes, you know that, baby?” Buck kissed your forehead. “We can keep trying and trying but it kills me to see you getting even sadder each time it happens.”

You only hummed to yourself and squeezed him tighter. A decision to adopt a baby couldn’t be made in the heat of the moment, you had to think about it more thoroughly. But your husband had a point. You also hated to make him worried so much about you and the fact that he himself would be as happy without having a child with you was bringing you lots of comfort. It would be way worse if he wanted this baby more than anything else.

“I have to heal after the recent loss first,” you whispered to him after a while, “and then we’ll talk about it again, how about that?”

“Sounds about right,” Buck caressed your cheeks with his thumbs and leaned in to place a soft kiss on your lips.

MASTERLIST || BUCK MASTERLIST

[simp-ly-writes]

The Comment Section (pt.6)

─────── · · A Social Media AU Fic

Pairing: Spencer Agnew x gn!Reader

─ · · SUMMARY: I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you. Or when (yourshipname) gets messy after a drunken blur at the Oscars and a hate train...

─ · · TAGS: gender-neutral pronouns, hurt/comfort, angst, social media au, angst, twitter hate, suggestive themes, alcohol consumption, slowburn, light swearing, kissing, fluff, mutual pinning, friends that act like lovers, friends/lovers.

─ · · MASTERLIST | TAGLIST REQUEST | PART 4.5 | PART FIVE | PART SEVEN

─ · · A/N: don't hate me after this one please! it gets better I swear!

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🔔 (name)s_username just posted for the first time in awhile.

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Liked by co_mill, spennser, sydney_sweeney, and others

(name)s_username we win these!! (your official best supporting actress of 2025- take that haters 😘).

View all 7,342 comments

spennser so fucking proud of you, couldn't think of anymore more deserving than you 🫶

↳ (name)s_username thank you- gosh you have my cryin' again 🫶 ↳ spennser need another hug? ↳ (name)s_username yes, please. ↳ spennser running over now. 🫶

co_mill you are THEE most outstanding person I know 🥹❤️

username44 HOLY SHIT!!!

username90 I screamed at my television when i heard that you won, i love you so much (name)!!

sydney_sweeney can't believe i had the honour to work with you and i am so happy so many others got to realize the pure talent you exude. first film and first oscar of many to come, im sure of it ❤️

↳ (name)s_username sydneyyy! you can't say these things to me- i'm already a mess. the real honour was getting to know, work, and learn with you! couldn't think of anyone else i would want to work with first other than you 🥰 ↳ sydney_sweeney i need another box of tissues, i'm a mess too 😂

username01 (name)!!! OMG I AM AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.

shayne_topp do you think i could borrow that award for a smosh bit??

↳ (name)s_username ummm, sure?? should i be worried? ↳ shayne_topp 🤷 ↳ (name)s_username oh no...

anthonypadilla WTF??- nobody texted me about this earlier, holy fuck congratulations!!! 🎉

glen_powell you looked incredible while accepting that award, you are an inspiration. can't wait to see your next work and happy to know i was part of your journey ❤️

↳ (name)s_username i can't believe its over, thank you so much glenn, for everything. there's no greater first fictional "ex-husband" than you ❤️ XD

angelagiovanagiarratana theres no freaking way my best friend just did that. someone pinch me i am about to go insane /positive

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🔔 (name)s_username just posted!

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Liked by spennser, username01, shayne_topp and others

(name)s_username drunk in love... wait? or maybe just drunk...

View all 10,123 comments

co_mill teehee!! u are so cute.

sydney_sweeney me too babes, me too.

username70 wonder how long it'll be till (name) inevitably takes this post down like all the others...

username01 i have learned from my mistakes and have screenshotted every picture as photo evidence.

username66 kinda getting concerned of all the partying (name) and spencer have gotten into recently. but then again they have never experienced something like this before (on multiple levels 😉).

username30 what is even going on anymore??

username43 okay should I call 999, 911, or somethin'?

username00 never commented on anything but now. just hope you find what you need (name)...

spennser i am drunk.

↳ (name)s_username hahahhahahah! 😊 ↳ spennser 🫶 ↳ (name)s_username 🫶

username54 you both are so calling in sick tomorrow, and maybe the following few days after that.

filmingamanda text me or call me when you get back home please!

(name)s_username okay, okay, okay. ❤️❤️❤️

username90 kinda sad how they can only talk to one another when drunk, or well, you get what i mean...

↳ username23 yeah. ↳ username61 i know that feeling all too well. too scary to loose such a longterm friendship if things didn't work out. ↳ username00 but then you'll always stay dreaming, stay wondering what if it did? ↳ username61 this got deeper than I was expecting. have a lot to think about now...

username10 so... is everyone on smosh wasted?? or just these two??

─────── · ·

🔔 HollywoodNow just posted! check it out?

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Liked by username01, RomComInterviews, and others

HollywoodNow Hollywoods newest and hottest heartthrob (first/name) (last/name) was found walking around downtown L.A. with any unknown man. Spectators say they looked very "cosy" while attending a local art crawl, others account a kiss while getting coffee later in the afternoon. To get more on this story, give us a follow and read the full article on our website- linked in bio!

View all 1,991 comments

username01 i will die on this hill believing the man to be spencer. (i don't think my heart could handle it being anyone else 😭).

username88 please be spencer. please be spencer. please be spencer. PLEASEEEE 🙏😫

username94 i hate paparazzi- like leave by boy/girl (name) alone please!

RomComInterviews want to learn more about (name)? check out our interview with them on our youtube channel alongside sydney sweeney and glenn powell!

(name)s_username 😆 can't believe i have my first gossip article!

↳ spennser this is part of your peak accomplishments ❤️ ↳ (name)s_username for real- going to print this out now! ↳ smosh please stop using up the office printers ink! the art department needs it!! ↳ (name)s_username whaaattt? i'd never think of doing that... 😇 ↳ username41 umm guys? you do know this is not email or sms... right??

username20 so if (name) and spencer both commented on this post... this confirms it... right?

username49 it was going so slow and now (name) and spencer feel like they are moving through relationships at rocket speed. what. is. going. on???

username33 sometimes i wonder where my life went wrong, then i remember there are some people that have it worse out there than me, for example (name). could never imagine going out with people like they do. a real shame.

↳ username71 umm, to put it bluntly as possible, what the actual fuck?? get a life. you're just jealous that you can't pull or even be (name) or spencer. spot putting you, a disappointment, onto others in order to make yourself feel better, get help- you clearly need it. 😃

username25 i am new to this, what is a (yourshipname)? and where do you find one?

username66 please, please, please (name), star in another movie!! I am begging.

username10 does anyone know what product spencer uses for his hair? i'm looking for my boyfriend.

─────── · ·

🔔 (name)s_username just added to their story, check it out!

─────── · ·

─────── · ·

🔔 These tweets are trending right now, retweet it to join the conversation!

─────── · ·

(first/name) (last/name) @ (name)s_username · 3 days ago I should have deleted my social media accounts earlier... 🙈😭 Comment | Retweet | Like | Bookmark

.

Hollywood Now @ hollywood_now · 1 day ago THIS JUST IN... (first/name) (last/name) has just been casted in a secret Netflix series coming soon. link in bio to find out more from us first! Comment | Retweet | Like | Bookmark

.

username24 @ username24 · 12 hours ago Since nobody else is willing to start saying it #imdonewith(name). They PROMISED they would be in more Smosh productions (especially with Spencer) yet it seems they keep getting pulled away by their "acting" stuff. Like WTF do you not care about your fans, the people that gave you a platform and this career??? #imdonewith(name). You would be nothing without us

.

username44 @ username44 · 12 hours ago #imdonewith(name) like congrats I guess but what about all of us?? I mean I cannot afford to watch movies in cinemas or another subscription 😡

.

username31 @ username31 · 12 hours ago Love that at the pinnacle of their career, they are also receiving the same amount of hate. #deserved #imdonewith(name)

.

username50 @ username50 · 12 hours ago Where is all this #imdonewith(name) coming from??? When #(yourshipname)forever should be trending???

.

username39 @ username39 · 12 hours ago (name) never deserved Spencer in the first place and now they are getting in a relationship when (name) is just going to leave AGAIN?! #imdonewith(name) shame, shame, double- no triple shame on you.

.

username11 @ username11 · 12 hours ago Hate how quiet @ spennser has been recently...

.

Spencer Agnew @ spennser · just now Missing what never was. this tweet has since been deleted by the user.

─────── · ·

🔔 SmoshGames just uploaded! Turn off notifications here.

─────── · ·

Werewolf but Twilight Edition 🐺🩸

Smosh Pit ✓ [Subscribed] 👍 4k | 👎 7.77M subscribers 90k views 10 hours ago we all are spindermonkeys click to read more

3,139 Comments

username01 I will never forgive both spencer or (name) if they both act super distant in another video EVER AGAIN (I know it was only half the video OKAY?? BUT STILLL). It is officially illegal for you both to not act as anything other than endlessly in love with one another.

↳ username69 PREACH!!! PERIOD!!!!!

username19 And now we all slowly watch as (yourshipname) like all other ships goes tits up in flames.

username00 I don't know whats up or down, left or right anyone after watching this...

username71 so... were they *just* Bella and Edward... or did anyone else see anything, (yourshipname) forever!!

username34 this was a bit... cringe but the vibes were there... as weird as they were...

username75 so... when you "apologizing" then doing what you said you wouldn't do again?

username23 11:24 Spencer: "take all the time you need, i'll always be here, Bella" Agnew and 14:32 (first/name): "i'm listening, i hear you, and i'm sorry, Edward" (last/name).

↳ username05 but how could you forget about their line a few minutes earlier!! 12:55 (first/name) "I will be here for as long as you want me to be, Edward/Spencer" (last/name). ↳ username09 okay sure you both, but 19:41 was peak: (first/name) "theres no place I rather be than with you" (last/name) to Spencers: "I only know want for you until I have you in my arms." I REFUSE to believe this was just them in character. ↳ username07 this whole episode felt like a fever dream, for real.

username99 Damien and Ian were so fucking funny in this one, constantly chocking on the cheap wigs was legendary 😂

username74 Spencer glaring at (name) but then softening seconds after has my heart doing somersaults 💗

↳ username69 they really cannot stay mad for long at one another, its pitiful. ↳ username74 IKR? Like they sat at different ends of the table but by the end I swore they were holding hands underneath the table.

username34 (name) apologizing for mistaking the rules so emotionally to Spencer seemed way more than surface level...

username90 And this friends is the last known video evidence of (name) being a Smosh cast member before they became too "cool" for everyone and went to the silver screen.

username88 I am going to miss (name) so much!!!! 😭 PLEASE DONT LEAVE USSSSS

↳ username24 #imdonewith(name) #imdonewith(name) #imdonewith(name) #imdonewith(name) ↳ username70 get lost and get a life hater. 😃

username13 everyone speaking with a lisp from the plastic teeth made this 10x funnier 😭😆

username22 true enemies to lovers type beat in this video. At the start, (name) and Spencer want nothing to do with one another, they refuse to even look at each other and then after one acted out upon scene they are giving "goo-goo, i'm so sorry" eyes at one another before outro-ing together. These two I swear- And don't even get me started on those whispered "i'm sorrys" throughout the video. WE HEARD THOSEEE editors!!!

username20 (name).

↳ username31 spencer.

username91 im bitter. like i know its not really confirmed by Netflix or (name) yet but... like you promised? i hate sounding like a sad child.

username03 this is all to messy for my liking...

username66 wait so... what did i miss???

↳ username44 "i guess i basically missed the late eighties..."

username51 So... are they together or not? I am so confused somehow help pls 😭

username62 praying that those pictures were real. i need this to be real like i need to breathe.

─────── · ·

🔔 (name)s_username just added to their story, check it out!

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─────── · ·

🔔 spennser just added to their story for the first time in awhile.

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─────── · ·

─ · · A/N: whew! 😥 that was a long ass chapter. what did y'all think??

─ · · COMMENTS SECTION TAGLIST: @lisiliely @missflufffanfics @little-stitious-studios @thejourneyneverendsx @sibsteria @lizzylynch1 @cryinghotmess @babble2

[djarins-cyare]

✨Questions Tag Game✨

Thanks for tagging me @burntheedges 🩵

Of course I’m going to add GIFs and images. Did anyone really expect me to post something without visual aids??

[photos are my own (apart from the one immediately below, which is from here), and unless otherwise credited, GIFs were made by me during office hours when I was supposed to be working… 🤫]

Do you make your own bed?

Not in terms of making it look all neat and tucked in, no. But that’s because I’m a teensy bit of a germaphobe, and humans naturally sweat at night, which means you must leave your mattress uncovered for a while after you get up to ensure it airs. So, for most of the day (because I forget to straighten it up), my bed just looks like this:

(Just for fun, how many Mandalorians can you spot in the pic?)

Favourite number?

It’s always been 2, and my reasoning used to be that all good things come in pairs. But having discovered my autism in recent years, I’ve come to realise it probably more likely represents the maximum number of people I’m most comfortable interacting with at any one time. So it’s a manageable number. It’s also an even number. And it’s a prime number (in fact it's the only even prime number). It’s a pretty number – it has a nice curved top and a solid, sturdy base. It stops 1 from being lonely, so it’s a kind number.

Is this a weird answer? All of these are really logical reasons to me!

[GIF found here]

What’s your job?

It’s become so specialised that I no longer have a job title, but I started as a legal PA for one of the senior partners at a Legal 500 law firm in London. I flirted with the idea of qualifying as a solicitor but realised there was no way in hell I’d be comfortable standing up in court and speaking in front of lots of people (and I work in the criminal law department so not keen on casually chatting to criminals either). Instead, I decided to become The Person Who Knows Everything.

So now I write briefs to Counsel, proofs of evidence, funding applications; I analyse evidence, conduct legal research, advise the solicitors on their cases; I train paralegals and admin staff; I do a load of data analysis and make pretty spreadsheets for the bosses; and I manage the firm’s IT needs because I can do computer stuff too. I’m basically their go-to girl for anything that seems complicated or time-consuming… and I don’t have to wear a stupid wig in court.

And the best part is, during Covid lockdown, I demonstrated I can do 100% of my job from home, so I was allowed to move 150 miles away, and I now only have to visit my office two days a month! 🙌🏻

Downside: the arduous and random nature of the job means I’m never up to date and always very tired.

If you could go back to school, would you?

My original plan after getting my undergrad degree was to do a Masters and PhD and become an academic, but I put all that on hold for my (now ex) husband so he could finish his PhD and first postdoc. I’m very glad I never went back, though, because I realise that academia is not the place for me… see above comment about not being able to stand up and talk in court to understand why standing up and talking in a lecture hall would be equally nerve-wracking for me. So, no, I’m content with my current level of schooling.

Honestly, university was more about learning how to ‘adult’ properly than obtaining any useful knowledge on the course anyway (she says, routinely using concepts learnt on her fiction writing modules when crafting Mando fics).

Can you parallel park?

Yup. Narrow roads and a lack of parking spaces in the UK kind of make it a non-optional skill here.

That said, I do sometimes see people desperately trying to line themselves up to get into a space and making an absolute farce out of it, so I guess maybe some people here think it’s optional, but I’d rather not have that kind of stress, so I practised until I could do it easily.

[original GIF found here and then cropped]

Do you think aliens are real?

The way this is phrased… do I think they’re real? Like, do I think the grey ones with big black eyes are anally probing residents in certain sections of North America on a regular basis? Hmm, no. Too many episodes of The X-Files. I mean, Fox Mulder: yum, but I really Don’t Want To Believe, thanks.

But, I remain open to the idea that alien life has evolved elsewhere in the known universe. It’s inconceivably huge, after all. There’s nowhere near enough data to prove (or even speculate) either way – just look at the Drake equation, which has been used to both ‘prove’ and ‘disprove’ the possibility – so I’ll reserve any kind of judgment until some real evidence appears.

Can you drive a manual car?

Yeah, of course. It’s the standard driving test in the UK and allows you to drive both automatic and manual – you actually have to specifically ask to learn only automatic if you decide you can’t handle gears. And, like, it’s all muscle memory, so it’s really not as hard as people think once you’re used to it. I tried to drive an automatic a few years back and found myself involuntarily shadow-shifting the gears!

[original GIF found here and then trimmed for length]

What’s your guilty pleasure?

Mostly, I don’t feel guilty about indulging in pleasures these days. I used to be really affected by social pressures (back before I discovered my autism and still felt like I had to ‘mask’ and fit in), so I used to feel guilty talking about my hyperfixations, but now I couldn’t care less. I shall consume them endlessly and unselfconsciously. It’s very liberating.

Any phobias?

I suppose the answer is sharks, which has no sensible basis for being a phobia because I’ve never had any real encounters to make me fearful (thank fuck!). In fact, I walked through the shark tunnel at SeaWorld just fine as a 7-year-old. Unless that planted some kind of seed of terror, I don’t know. Not sure when it really took hold, but I can’t even look at photos these days. It’s their damn teeth. Someone’s going to have to give me a tooth report on Gladiator II before I can go see it.

The hell if I’m gonna put a photo (or God forbid a GIF) of a shark here, so, umm…

Favourite childhood sport?

Two answers: (1) Football (AKA soccer). I played for a girl’s team when I was about 11, but it was only because the boy I liked was into football. I couldn’t give a shit about it these days, and I don’t think I ever really liked it – I was just ‘masking’, as I did for most of my childhood, but I convinced myself I loved it.

(2) Karate, which I decided all by myself that I fancied doing, then found I was actually quite good at it and excelled at it for a while. But I was 9, and they decided I was so good that I should go and join the adult class (age 14 and up), which I hated, so I quit.

[GIF is one I already had saved from Reddit a while ago, but I can't find the source anymore, so sorry for not crediting the maker]

Do you talk to yourself?

Sometimes, but not often. I live alone, so I occasionally just need to exercise my vocal cords lol. It also depends on what mood I’m in. On an average day, no, I don’t really feel the need to fill the silence, but if I’m excited/animated/annoyed in some way, I might say stuff aloud. Basically, if I’m inclined to utter curse words for any reason, I’ll probably use other words aloud too.

[GIF found here]

Tattoos?

I only have one right now, but I plan to increase that number someday. See photo below; I used to have chameleons as pets and got this tattooed near my right hip when I turned thirty to commemorate them. It’s really small.

I would like to get a phrase in Mando’a inked on me somewhere, probably “Kaysh meg miit’gaana, oyacyi”, which means “she* who writes, remains” [*substitute chosen pronoun – Mando’a doesn’t distinguish genders], and is a Mandalorian proverb teaching that you can live forever if you leave behind written words. I have it engraved on my iPad.

Favourite colour?

Very much the blue (with a hint of green) end of the colour spectrum. For something soft, duck egg blue, or for something bold, teal. See the colour of the titles in this post.

I also like the colours of hyperspace and would happily snuggle up with Din in the cockpit.

Do you like puzzles?

Yeah, I guess. I don’t dislike them. But I don’t really do them much. In terms of the crossword/sodoku/brain teaser sort, I might choose to do them in specific settings, like on vacation when I inevitably need to offer my brain something different than whatever book I’m binge-reading.

In terms of the jigsaw type, I have short phases of thinking, “Ooh, that’ll be fun!”, trying to do one, getting bored, and then forcing myself to finish. Last time that happened was Covid lockdown. Took me a year! Though, to be fair, it was one of these bastards…

Okay, I’m done. I realise I’m very late to the party, and a lot of people have already done this one, so sorry if you’ve already participated. No pressure (and no need to illustrate with gifs and images, I just can’t help myself)… 🩵

@604to647 @beefrobeefcal @d4rm4nd4 @feral-ferrule @gracieheartspedro

@joelslegalwhre @littlemisspascal @magpiepills @penvisions @quicksilvermad

@secretelephanttattoo @studioghibelli @syd-djarin @the-mandawhor1an @zaddymandalorian

[linskywords]

OH MY GOD MS. LINSKY HAS DONE IT AGAIN!!! Absolutely loving Kiss Your Boyfriend so far. Can I ask how do you maintain such a high level of productivity with your writing? Your output is incredible! If you feel like sharing how much time you spend writing per day / how many words you average per day that would be really interesting, plus how you find the time / inspiration to write so much? Thanks.

This is so kind, thank you!! This answer got super long and somewhat off-topic, so I'm putting it below a cut.

I am incredibly lucky in my writing time, especially for someone with a small baby. A bunch of years ago I talked my office into letting me go half-time so that I'd have more time to write -- at the time I was thinking specifically of novels, which I have written several of (though not with a level of quality that I'm happy with). Since having a baby last year, I've pretty much only been interested in writing fanfiction; hence the output you've seen. You can pretty much track how much novel-writing I've been doing by looking at my ao3 stats page and seeing how high the wordcount is for a given year. if it's low, there's probably a novel draft or two to blame.

This is a digression, but one that I'm going to include because it's inextricably tied up for me with thoughts about my writing time: having a baby has made me feel much more conflicted about my schedule. We have her in full-time daycare -- partly because it's pretty hard to find anything else around here and it's not nearly as much of a discount to go part-time as you feel like it should be, but also because it's always been understood, between my husband and me, that my writing time is something to be protected at most (not all) costs. I cannot overstate how glad I am for this. That writing time has been absolutely sanity-preserving for me in the first year of motherhood. Baby sleep-and-wake times have pretty much eaten my evenings and weekends, but I still have Thursdays and Fridays and the occasional Wednesday where the only work I have to do is write. It's an unbelievable luxury, and one that's let me feel like I'm still a person and not just a mother. And it's one that I still feel guilty about, even while feeling grateful.

Part of the reason I feel guilty and not just grateful is that over the past year I've been wrestling with my relationship with original fiction. When you're working towards becoming a novelist, you can feel like, okay, it's lucky that I can support myself on half a week's salary, and also it's morally okay because I'm working on acquiring this other Real Job! A Novelist! That's a real thing that pays the bills! (Ha. If only it did, cry a million novelists as I type this.) Capitalism is a scam but it's also a real force that operates on our lives and our psyches. That half a week that I'm not working is half a week when my husband is doing something to further our family's survival and I am not. It's half a week when I could be spending full days taking care of my baby, as certain segments of society would tell you is the greatest thing a woman or person can do, regardless of whether or not they enjoy that type of work (I do not). It would feel more justifiable to me if I were using that time to become A Real Artist -- by which I of course mean one who gets paid. But that part of it really is a scam: fanfiction isn't less of an art just because I don't get paid for it. It's just an art that people can't make a living at, and I'm unbelievably lucky that I don't have to.

I don't know if I'll find myself motivated to return to novel-writing anytime soon. There are parts of me that want the challenge of creating something more structurally complex, that love inventing something entirely new, and those parts are worth listening to, unlike the parts of me that feel like an inadequate imposter because I'm not published. So: maybe. But the publishing industry is its own nightmare, and it's hard to want to dive into it when I currently have so much creative freedom and a place to share my work that doesn't rely on the professional gatekeepers. We also don't currently need the income I might make as a novelist -- which is good, because my understanding is that the idea of making even minimum wage as a novelist is laughable, and I'd do much better going full-time at my job and only writing during weekend baby naps.

So those are the current, very fortunate circumstances of my writing life. Hopefully they will make you feel better if you're someone who works full-time or has other full-time responsibilities or just otherwise can't spend the equivalent of two full working days each week writing, and you're looking at how much I've posted so far this year and thinking that you should have been able to write just as much. Maybe you can, if you're able to find that kind of time in your own life and want to spend it writing, but maybe you can't or maybe you just don't want to and I hope it helps to know I haven't been dashing these stories off during my lunch break or something.

As for speed, I am a relatively fast writer, I think, though not exceptionally so. I usually aim for about 1K an hour when working on a rough draft. If I know a lot about where I want a story to go, it can be faster than that, but I can't sustain that for too many hours in a row. There have been days in recent history when I knew what I wanted to happen and I wrote 9-10K in a day, and I always feel like my brain has been scoured out afterwards and then I'm not usually very productive for a couple days afterward. So probably a more sustainable pace for me is 5-6K of new words per writing day, and then sometimes I'll realize I've taken the wrong approach and have to scrap a bunch of words and go back, and other times it'll have been a while since I last looked at a story so I'll have to go to the beginning and catch myself up, which involves a lot of rewriting also. And then there are days that are supposed to be writing days but something won't click, or I'm sick because I have a daughter in daycare and that means all the germs. So my output is super variable.

I will say, though, that one of the most profound impacts fanfiction has had on my life is that I WANT to sit down and write now. When I first decided I was serious about writing I had a few months off between jobs and decided to use them to write a novel that had been living in my head for a few years at that point. Getting myself to sit down and work on it was like herding slugs. It was an agony of procrastination. At one point I think I watched the entirety of The West Wing between one writing session and the next. I wanted to write, or at least I wanted to want to write, and it made me miserable that I wasn't and yet I still didn't. Writing is really, really hard, and almost anything feels easier in the moment!

But fanfiction has never felt like that to me. It's challenging in plenty of ways, and it's still a lot of work to create a story, but for me it's also a joy. It makes me think of how I used to play dolls when I was a kid, coming up with stories for them to act out. And they didn't have to be the world's most complex stories, with multiple interlocking plots and no words wasted, the way I feel like a novel has to be (I'm probably slightly wrong about this, but only slightly). Writing fic has taken away the barrier I used to face when sitting down to write, where it felt like I needed to hurdle a small building to even start putting words on the page. And the amazing thing is that that ease of starting has transferred to original writing as well. My body and mind have a habit of sitting down at the computer and having fun with words, and I can tap into that even when what I'm writing isn't fic.

And I really do love it. There is nothing in the world as satisfying to me as writing. I'm a little bit of a control freak, and writing is something where I can make things happen exactly the way I think they should. Sitting down, playing out the characters' emotions, figuring out how to make it feel real and compelling, guiding them towards the story I want them to have...there is literally nothing I am better suited for or enjoy more.

As for inspiration...well, in addition to the above, I just really, really want these stories to exist. There is something absolutely irresistible to me in getting characters together, especially if being together means having something that they desperately need but can't admit that they want. The most alluring story premises to me are the ones where there's An Obstacle, a thing that seems like it will bar these two (or three, or four) being together in a real way -- a dam behind which tension can build up, more and more over the course of the story, until the obstacle finally gives way and we have all that lovely tension release. And then the poor deprived main character who didn't think he was even allowed to want what he wanted can finally have it. One of the reasons I DON'T enjoy writing original fiction as much is that genre conventions tend to demand that other things happen in addition to that delicious tension buildup and release. Why dilute it when you could just write the pure thing??

So that's the long answer about my writing circumstances and motivations. I hope you found it interesting, anon -- or at least that you continue enjoying the effects! I have such a voracious appetite to write these stories right now; as long as I keep having the time, I don't see that changing anytime soon.

[daily-selfship-questions]

Is it okay to consider your f/o your irl partner? My f/o means so much to me and I really mean it whenever I call him my husband. Is that weird?

No, I certainly don't think that's weird at all, personally! Some people can get very attached to their F/Os, you've probably heard the "Your brains emotional department can't tell the difference between fictional and real, so when you love something, regaurdless of if it's fictional or not it's just as strong" tangent.

But like I said, some people get really close to their F/Os, and so it can be a very real thing for them and a very personal thing, too!! Some people don't want real life romantic partners and just want to pursue their F/Os and that's entirely okay as well. Truthfully I tend to feel the same way about my F/Os, and I'll speak of them as if they're real(ex. "Me and F/O did this today" or "F/O and I blah blah blah"). Some people get uncomfortable when seeing shipart or such of their F/O and makes them feel sick cause it feels like they're seeing their partner with someone else or such.

Get as close as you'd like, consider them a full fledged partner if you wish! My rule of thumb for life is if it's not hurting anyone, then why care? I don't see any harm in this. Get as close and personal as you'd like with your F/O. I'm sure everyone's been told the story of that man that married Hatsune Miku, so really go crazy.

I tried to keep this short, since truthfully I tend to yap a lot and I have a lot I could say here😅

I'd say the only cause of concern would be if you start filling out your tax forms or something with their names on it. But go crazy. Live your life, have fun, kiss your F/O when they go to bed and when they wake up, put their pictures in your wallet and frame their photos on your desk and in your lockets.

I mean, that's what selfshipping is, no? Shipping you with them, F/O stands for Fictional Other, it's right there in the name. They're your significant other(excluding the times where F/O encompasses platonic/familial ones of course). Many people ship characters and talk about how it's sooooo canonical cause did you see how they looked at each other in that one frame?? This is just you shipping yourself with an F/O, same thing. As far as I know and as I've been informed, I don't see a problem here with it.

I mean, that's what selfshipping is! You're just describing a very passionate version of selfshipping! But as I mentioned in the tags, I don't know how universal of a feeling this is, but I'm sure some feel the same

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Tell me, do you think Amelie shows any of the signs of a woman who was mistreated by her husband, or at least do you think she did before season 5?

That is really, really, really not something you can tell just from a few casual encounters with a person, especially since we didn't meet her until after Colt was dead and we never saw her in another romantic relationship. Every victim will act differently and have different triggers. I have no doubt I could find Amelie's perfect match among real victims because there is no set pattern of behavior they're required to follow to be real victims.

All that being said, I think this ask may just be poorly phrased, so I'm gonna talk about the general way the abuse was handled by the story, which was not great.

As I talk about this more, please remember that we are discussing characters in a story and not real people. I would never be this critical of a real person because a real person is not a piece in an ongoing narrative. A friend revealing that they were abused without any prior indication of this fact is perfectly normal as victims are often very good at masking their symptoms. A character doing the same is often bad writing as stories allow you to get inside people's heads, to see people in private moments, or even just when no one else is looking at them. If the writers never take a moment to use those kinds of tricks to set up a big reveal like an abusive parent, then the reveal comes off like something the writers made up at the last minute, which is bad writing.

So, if you're asking if the show set up the reveal well, then no, I don't think it did as nothing we see in the show would make you guess that something was off about Colt. Like you could argue that it makes Amelie's overprotective and indulgent nature make sense, but lots of people spoil their kids without going through abuse, so that behavior didn't need to be explained. It was perfectly logical as-is.

You could also argue that the abuse explains why Felix is a bully, but plenty of people are awful to others without ever going through some sort of trauma. Felix being a bully could have just as easily have been the result of a pampered upbringing where he was given everything he wanted.

Colt's reveal can be argued to recontextualizes Amelie and Felix's behavior, but that's about it. It doesn't take questionable behavior and make it suddenly make sense. Like I'm still baffled as to why Felix did all the crap he did in his titular episode because he was never cruel just to be cruel again, so what was going on there? Why the dramatic character shift in season four and five?

For the show to have actually set up the reveal of Colt's abuse, it would have needed a really blatant example of Amelie or Felix being triggered OR some sort of line that established that something was off about Colt or even just a line to establish that Felix changed after Colt's abuse started since it's implied that it only showed up after he realized he was sick/dying.

For a trigger, just look at how Marinette was written in Derision. That actually was a good example of PTSD (or at least, my second hand understanding of it). The reason why I'm so critical of that episode is because PTSD doesn't magically turn on and off like that. It's not the kind of thing that shows up for a single episode and then disappears. Marinette should have been having moments like that long before Derision AND long after it, especially since the show has written in a lot of moments that would have made for good times to trigger her and establish that something was off. She's been to that pool with Adrien before. She had Kim ask for her opinion on a present he's giving to another girl. She saw an image of Kim down on his knees with a gift.

Any or all of those should have drawn out some kind of negative, trauma-based reaction from her if the writers wanted us to believe that this fictional character who they have full control over has ongoing trauma. Unless the writers are really saying that all those questionable jokes were her being triggered and then just.... I hope I don't have to explain how utterly disgusting that is.

For an example of a line, they could have done something like having Adrien apologize for missing Colt's funeral only for Felix to say something about Colt not deserving to be mourned or really anything to indicate that he wasn't exactly sad that his father was gone. They could have also had Adrien comment on how much Felix had changed since they were kids and how he could never imagine his cousin being so cruel.

To be fair, they kinda do that one with Adrien initially dismissing Felix's behavior as being the result of his father's recent passing, but it's hard to tell if that means that Felix used to be kind or what. That's especially true because Adrien's been show to tolerate a lot of bad behavior and Felix is canonically made from jealous (Yes, I'm serious, this was a line in the play: His jealousy came to life). So Felix has probably always been jealous of Adrien and will probably always be a jealous person because I guess that's just what he was made to be?

Moving on!

I wanted to highlight that the writers do know how to do this kind of discussion-based setup, as we saw back in Frightningale:

Mayor Bourgeois: But sweetie, there's no way we can cancel the shoot now. Chloé: (pulling out her phone) I'm going to call Mom and tell her how all my dreams have been crushed! (feigns sorrow) Mayor Bourgeois: (stammers anxiously, then grabs Chloé's phone and starts punching in a phone number) Let's not disturb our beloved Queen for such a little matter; right, my little Princess?

Even if this line is kinda weird since Audrey probably wouldn't have even answered the phone.

Any time the writers actually commit to a plot point, they set it up in a way that a little kid could pick up on because of course they do! This is a show for little kids. I think the writers do genuinely want it to be entertaining for the intended audience.

This is why the Colt thing is so weird to me. It's a pretty freaking serious thing to add to your show out of nowhere and I have a sneaking suspicion that it's never going to be mentioned again, which is less than stellar writing. It very much feels like something the writers added to hand waved away Felix's bad behavior, but I'd argue that this is actually a terrible lesson to teach kids.

Being kind to those who have gone through trauma is always a good lesson to teach, but Felix has attempted to assault Ladybug, tried to malign his cousin's good name by impersonating him, and betrayed the entire world by empowering a terrorist even though he could - and should - have immediately gone to Ladybug and told her who the terrorist was. These are not minor faux pas and trauma is not an excuse to traumatize others, otherwise we'd end up with a world full of traumatized people doing whatever they wanted because trauma!

There is a lot of nuance to this topic, but at the very least, Felix needed to do some serious apologizing to make his redemption feel earned. We should not be teaching kids that a sob story is all it takes to justify the kind of shit Felix pulled as that would mean that Gabriel and Chloe's actions were also fully justified because trauma! Might as well lump Lila in there, too, because I'm pretty sure that she's an orphan? Whatever is going on with her backstory is nothing good and we really need to be seeing some clearer messaging around who gets redeemed and why. It's why I've reblogged so many posts about Felix and Chloe being near identical in their actions. The issues is not that Chloe needs to be redeemed. The issue is that there is no reason why she wasn't and Felix was. There is nothing a child can point to in order to understand who you should give a second chance to and who you should run away from for your own mental health.

[neerons]

I hope you don't mind me answering you in the Ask section 😅 I find it easier this way, and I think our discussion can be interesting for other fans of MK!

I could be wrong, but from what I remember, Kazuomi already checked his birth certificate and it was written that his "mother" was his birth mother. However, like he said, his father might have falsified the document. So in the end he couldn't know the truth.

Kazuomi never trusted his father, and I kinda understand, because from what we saw, his father was a shady man, a red flag and a bad husband. Also, can we really call him a father when he didn't fulfill his role as one? No wonder Kazuomi didn't like him 😅

Besides, we know that Kazuomi said he doubted that his "mother" was his real mother because he didn't look like her at all. He is a copy of his father, and thanks god it's only the looks, not the personality 🙏

By the way, my first reaction to this information was : "Kazuomi... You know, in fiction it's quite common to see a son who is the spitting image of his dad. So your mother might really be your mom. You don't have to look like your mom for her to be your birth mother. You want an example? Eisuke's genes are so dominant that his 3 sons look exactly like him lol. I know that your father had many mistresses, so I understand your concern, but still..." In the future, if Kazuomi and the MC have a son who look exactly like him, I hope he won't doubt that the MC is the mother of his child 😂

More seriously, yes, it seems Kazuomi also felt betrayed by his mother because she was showing him affection, but only because he's the spitting image of his father. In the VIP room, his younger version says that the love he received might have been false love... It's just his assumption, but we can't deny what he was feeling (he was lonely and wasn't feeling loved). Also, I think the possibility that his mother might not be his "real" mother (birth mother) broke his heart even more. It also broke my heart because he deserves love 🥲 Unfortunately, we don't choose our parents, and not everyone is fit to be parents...

Okay now I'm curious, what is your recurrent thought about his past? It doesn't matter if it turns out to not be accurate. We're here to theorise haha.

As always, thank you for your reply ❤️

(I'll send you a DM for Ikemen Prince! I'll write in French because it'll be easier haha)

Hi again, and no worries 🤗

Indeed, he checked his birth certificate and he saw on it that his mother was stated to be his actual birth mother, but knowing his father, Kazuomi expected that he falsified the document so that Kazuomi wouldn't learn the truth.

Yeah, his father was barely there for him, as he mostly cared for his business... And I agree that the genetics in otome games are usually quite strong 🤣 Eisuke's sons, except for maybe Kaito who looks a bit like MC, all look like him. I find it so funny to have a mini army of the LI as if we didn't see his face enough 😂 But it's cute in the end.

Also, I do often see this line in Kazuomi's VIP room yes! I feel really bad for him. I can't imagine how much he suffered from not feeling loved by his own family.

Thank god he had Zack later. He's probably the father he wished he had in the first place, and Zack made Kazuomi grow so much ❤ He is the Kazuomi Shido he is now thanks to him. I can't wait to see how everything will play out next

My theory about Kazuomi's past

[TW: mentions of potential SA]

Okay so this is meant to be taken with a grain of salt because I might be overthinking this. This is also going to mention triggering topics similar to Kei's story so avoid reading this if you're not comfortable.

This is only a possibility among many other possibilities, so in a way I hope I'm wrong and I most probably am.

I'm going to assume in this theory that Kazuomi's mother is not his actual birth mother to make it a bit less horrible. There were many ingredients of the story that made me reach a recipe darker than I would have liked, to be perfectly honest 😅

So, we have a woman who is probably not even Kazuomi's mother, completely head over heels with her husband, Kazuomi's father.

Sadly, her husband has many mistresses and doesn't "giver her the time of day". He's often out, and when he does come home on rare occasions, he spends time with shady men and still doesn't care about her.

On the other hand, there's Kazuomi, the child her husband (possibly) had with another woman, who looks exactly like her husband. He's young, naive, yearns for attention and consolation, and vulnerable.

Her husband is often away and she has many opportunities to spend time with Kazuomi.

My brain made me reach a potential conclusion that, and I hope it's not true, it's not impossible that this woman used Kazuomi to satisfy her desires since she was longing for her husband.

But then again, my brain sometimes reaches very dark theories so, again, I'm hoping for something different so my heart could be spared. And if I'm honest there are so many other things we could imagine other than this. I feel kind of bad for putting this thought out there 😢

Even if she didn't use him sexually, at least we know she used him as an emotional replacement, so this theory isn't so far from the truth technically speaking.

Anyway, thank you for the ask again!

[flower1622]

All respect friend, Ship percico or whatever feel free but the card of "they grown up and wow Nico is mature now so it fix everything" sounds like a groomer ass thing to say😭 Children see older people as an authority figure (and I'm not talking about the child wanting to obey the older person or anything like that) and first impressions are very important to a child. There is an unbalance of power. Nico was in a very vulnerable stage of growth (mentally) and immediately saw Percy as some kind of example. In general, our first impressions are very important in interpersonal relationships, we "add" more things or learn to interpret this first impression by another view. Any way or another, Percy canonically still see Nico as that lil kid and this is doesn't change at one night, or even 2 years see each other. If you imagine a scenario where they doesn't see (literally doesn't look at each other or doesn't hear about each other) it's normal (and expected) that this image of kid Nico fades away. That's not hate to the ship or anything :) I just think we shouldn't be talking about "getting mature" and interpersonal relationships as something so easy like "wow I see this person get mature now I magically doesn't mind about everything I've seen along the years". Like, ship everything you want unless that this considers, normalizes or influences violent behavior (pedo, aggressive husband, taking advantage of a vulnerable person etc etc).

Thanks, Anon. I liked your point of view and also respect it. I actually don't ship this couple, but i have an opinion about it. I guess it's really complicated to decide what would actually happen. In real life or fictional perspective. I know that Nico saw Percy as kind of a hero figure in the beginning and it could have influenced his perspective or that Percy could still see him as a child or something like that. I guess only time could tell, you know? After they get some therapy and discover by themselves what they really want for Life or Nico realising that his feelings for Percy never existed. It was just an imagination that he created for himself due to his admiration or if his feelings were real, you know? About Percy, it can depend too. If he ever separated from Annabeth and tried to open his mind to different things and didn't see Nico for so many years, i guess perspectives can change in your right time, slowly. No rush. I'm not trying to say they would work or not. Only that is complicated for others to judge because of the age, but if two adult people love each other (in a ship/fic or even real life), so why not?

Because from i got, Nico and Will didn't have much development either. They have a book together, if i'm not mistaken. But, i still didn't read it. My point is that if a couple like this got together, why not two heroes that have more history together (maybe)?

The same could happen to friends. Who will tell me that a couple from PJO that were friends didn't get together because they misunderstood admiration or loneliness with love? It's hard to say, but as i said, people change and mature. Not everyone stays the same as they were younger. Maybe in another universe (for percico fans), both Nico and Percy reunite again after many years, but they are different this time. They don't have the perspectives when they were young and kind try to reconnect with each other. I guess things like this happens to some people (not all of them).

It's like when someone dates a friend that is much older than the person, but the person grows up and matures trying to discover if the feelings are real or not. If the person was influenced by some kind of admiration towards the friend. So, this way, the person can separate the past from the present/future.

This also happens with Lois Lane in some stories, i guess. In the beginning, she used to like the ideia of Superman (the hero), but then later she learned to love him as Clark (who really is). From Nico kid to now, i think he developed a little bit. From Nico's part, we can at least see (maybe) that he is not blind to the ideia of hero, especially referring to Percy, as he used to be as a kid. I guess he understands that Percy is not perfect and has his flaws, but he still helps him because he likes Percy, be it as only admiration or another thing that could be worked years later for him to really discover by himself about his feelings. The problem would be with Percy's part. It's more complicated when someone sees the other as a kid yet. The only thing that could make this ship happen is a well written story.

Unfortunately, Rick already has his stories ready and his couples defined. This last part was just a theory of mine since i didn't read HOO books and to see how Pernico could happen following Rick version. In my mind, Nico only chose Will to forget Percy since Will is blonde. I don't trust 100% that Percy wasn't Nico's type. I guess Nico only lied and tried to move on with his life since he knew Percy was with Annabeth anyway. So, in my conclusion, the ship could have more chance to happen by Nico, now Percy...is another complicated story.

About the last part of your ask, i usually don't like toxic couples, especially in real life. Only in the fictional world, there are couples that i like and they end up having toxic moments/being toxic for each other or one towards his/her partner. I recognize that (different from other people that don't recognize this in their favourite ships or characters), but that doesn't mean i agree. If i have to say something negative about them, i do. I even post about ships that i think would be more healthy. Agressive husband and wife, pedo, a character taking advantage of another, a girl/boyfriend being bossy to her/his partner (that reminds me of some fictional/real couples) and many other bad things, i'm out.

I hope i answered your question. Sorry for the big text. Again, thanks for the ask. 😊

[straightupsickfics]

another lovesick afternoon

literally genuinely 2.5k words of modern au ed and stede being the softest grossest saps you ever did see while ed gets a cold. and i, personally, love that for them. and me. <3

****

“God, fuck, this is good, are you sure you don’t want to… well, no, probably not a good idea,” Ed says, offering Stede a sip of his iced mocha coffee and pulling it away all in one fell swoop. 

Stede pouts, though Ed knows he had no real intention of drinking it. Ed likes his coffee sweet enough to give Stede a toothache, and while Stede enjoys the occasional sweet himself, the scone he has beside him is more than enough to do the job for him. 

“Think I’m catching a cold or something,” Ed explains. He’d woken up this morning with the first twinges of a sore throat, the start of a runny nose, but had powered through a shower and felt mostly fine after some water and orange juice.

Still, Stede gives a little squeak of protest.

“You should’ve said!” Stede tells him. “I could’ve brought coffee home for us.”

Ed rolls his eyes and smiles fondly. “S’nothing yet, a little sore throat, a few sniffles, that’s all. Didn’t you drag Lucius to a concert while he was sick a few weeks ago?” 

Stede’s eyes narrow. “He wasn’t sick, for one thing, Edward, he had a hangover, and that was his own fault. And besides, it’s different…” 

Different when it’s you.

Stede doesn’t finish the thought aloud, but Ed knows what he means, and his warm, fond smile is all the confirmation Ed needs that he’s right. 

Ed lets his hand rest on Stede’s hand while they drink their coffee and eat their croissants. They hadn’t had much hope of finding a spot in the park on a morning as nice as this one, but a bench had opened up just as they’d arrived, perfect timing, and Ed had all but sprinted over to it to stop it being taken. 

“You almost took out that old woman,” Stede had admonished him between fits of laughter. 

“I did not!” 

“You’re going to be on the news! Beautiful man takes down senior citizen,” Stede had narrated in his best newscaster impression. 

Ed had snorted a laugh at this, which only made Stede laugh harder, until they were two grown men dissolving into a helpless fit of laughter on a park bench on a weekend morning. It was, honestly, a perfect morning. 

“What’s next on your list?” Ed asks now, leaning over and brushing a crumb from the corner of Stede’s mouth. 

Stede seems to falter for a minute, unsure. “Well, we don’t need to go anywhere else if you’re not feeling up to it—” He says quickly. And while he’s right, they don’t need to be anywhere. They aren’t “running errands” so much as moseying around their little town, enjoying the warmth of the day and each other’s company.

“We can just as easily do that at home,” Stede insists. 

“I’m not on my deathbed, love, seriously. You said you wanted to look at books for six or seven hours, didn’t you?” 

Stede’s still sputtering a protest as Ed gets to his feet and offers Stede his hand, laughing. 

*

Stede Bonnet really could look at books for hours on end if he was left to his own devices, and it’s kind of fucking adorable. Ed turns a corner and finally finds his husband crouched down and reading the back of a hardback book, completely lost in his own, fictional world. 

“So, you come here often?” Ed asks, voice low, mouth close to Stede’s ear. He smiles when Stede’s neck and cheeks flush a pale shade of pink in surprise. 

“Ah! Every now and then,” Stede squeaks, struggling to his feet. Ed offers him his hand and tugs him to his feet, wrapping an arm around Stede’s waist to balance him. 

It’s Stede’s favorite store, full to bursting with books on shelves and stacked in piles, full of big windows that leave the whole store entirely drenched in sun on bright sunny mornings. Like this one, with the sun hitting the blond in Stede’s hair just so and making it look like it’s made of pure sunshine. 

Stede is pure sunshine, Ed thinks to himself. They come here just about as often as they can, Ed happy enough to trail behind Stede and listen to plot summaries and debates over when to buy the hardback and when to wait for the paperback. Their shelves at home were bursting, too, but they always managed to find room. 

“Y'good?” 

Stede’s still flushed as he nods, apparently happy enough to have Ed half hold him up in the back of the store. Which is more than fine with Ed, too. 

“Look at this,” Stede says finally, holding out a book for Ed to inspect, something about Greek mythology that he’s had his eye out for. He explains the story to Ed who really does listen as best as he can, but finds himself almost immediately distracted by the animated expressions that dance across Stede’s face, the way he talks with his hands and explains every last detail… 

“Sorry, went off on a bit of a tangent,” Stede says, finally winding himself down. “You didn’t need to know all that.” He’s stuck at a crossroads between embarrassed and apologetic and Ed shakes his head, stopping it in its tracks. 

“Sure I did, fucking fascinating,” he promises. 

Stede smiles, then leans in to kiss him. “I know that’s not true, but I love you.” 

“Love you, too,” Ed says. He lets Stede guide him through the rest of the store, lets himself be talked into another black leather notebook that he definitely doesn’t need, and Stede only fusses a little when Ed has to duck to the side and cough into his elbow. His nose has started to run here and there, enough that he has to say yes to the packet of tissues Stede offers him in the car. 

“Fucking hate this time of year,” Ed grouses. “Germs everywhere, always end up coming down with something…” 

“Poor Ed,” Stede coos at him, only a hint of teasing in his voice. He lays a hand on Ed’s knee and offers to drive, but Ed just shakes his head determined to continue their day out as planned. He rubs his nose into the handful of tissues a final time before pulling out of the parking spot and onto the road. 

There’s a craft store not far from the bookstore, and Stede insists it's only fair that they pop in for Ed since they did the bookstore for so long, and Ed doesn’t have the energy (or, really, the desire) to argue. 

If Stede can spend hours looking at books, Ed could just as easily spend hours browsing yarn and textiles and fabrics, running them through his fingers and dreaming up projects, matching them to patterns he has saved across a million tabs on his phone… 

“Oh! This is a nice one, I think,” Stede says, holding up a bright yellow skein of soft, expensive yarn. “Feel that!” He holds it out for Ed enthusiastically.

It really is nice, and extra soft, perfect for the upcoming fall season. Ed does like to make Stede a sweater every year, and he’d found the perfect sunflower pattern and bookmarked it the other day. 

“Love that,” Ed agrees, and tosses it into his hand basket — he hadn’t even bothered pretending that he wouldn’t be leaving the store without at least a few things, and now he has to find some complementary gold hues for the sweater he’d definitely be making for Stede. 

“You don’t have to…” Stede starts, but Ed quiets him with a look. 

“Well, now I’ve gone and germed it up, so… Had something in mind anyway,” Ed assures him when Stede gives him a worried little frown. “You’ll love it, trust me.” 

“That I do,” Stede smiles, and follows him through the aisle and helping him pick out a few more shades of yarn. 

Ed could browse all day, normally, but today he feels himself starting to drag a little. His head is starting to hurt, and the sore throat from this morning is coming back in full force, too. He stops to sneeze into his elbow when Stede wanders off down another aisle, just two quick, muffled hht’mpsh! Etshhh! sneezes, and still he hears Stede’s voice making its way to him, though Stede himself is still out of sight. 

“Bless you!” 

Ed smiles a little as he digs in his pocket for the last of the tissues Stede had given him earlier. They probably had to go home at this rate, what with his nose in rare fucking form and his head throbbing the way it is. 

With a sigh, Ed goes to find his husband. 

*

“hhh’ISCHih! h’sschUH!”

“Bless—”

“hd’ISCHuh! Eh’sschIEW! hh'iiishhh!”

“...you! Goodness, that’s a lot of sneezes, isn’t it? Are you sure you really need to work on that just now?” Stede asks. 

Ed sniffles, then sniffles again, then gives up and reaches for another tissue and rubs his nose into it. Blowing it doesn’t seem to do much of anything, just irritates things enough to make him sneeze again, which he’s already getting fucking tired of. 

He looks down at the granny square he’d been ignoring in favor of his cold for the last thirty minutes and realizes that Stede is probably right, he’s not going to make any more progress today. He can barely focus on anything with the sneezing or coughing or sniffling or some other cold symptom fighting for his attention. 

“I thought so,” Stede says gently, tucking his bookmark into his book and setting it, along with Ed’s crochet work, on the coffee table. “Why don’t you let me get you something for that cold, hm? Then we can just relax before we eat dinner. I’ll order from the deli you like. Soup’ll do wonders for you, I think.” 

Ed lets his head roll back against the couch cushions and nods. Stede really is the best when Ed’s sick, there’s never been any doubt about that, and this time is no different. Ed stays put in the living room, waiting while Stede putters around in their bedroom and bathroom, grabbing things. Knowing him, he’d come out with half the blankets in his collection, half the medicine cabinet, and insist on ordering almost the entire menu for dinner. 

And Ed… Ed wouldn’t have it any other way. All he could do was make it up to him when Stede inevitably came down with this in a week or so. 

“Here we are!” Stede says, announcing his return. Ed can’t help but laugh when he sees the armload of stuff he’s brought with him. 

“Are you kicking me out of our bedroom?” Ed teases. "Moving me out here permanently?"

“What! No,” Stede says, dumping the blankets onto Ed’s lap and arranging the array of medicines on the coffee table. “Never.”

“Oh, good, had me worried for a minute there, thought you’d packed up everything I own,” Ed laughs as Stede glares at him. 

“Y’know I love you, right?” 

“Yes, because I am an excellent husband with a wonderful bedside manner. Now, I’m going to make tea, you take two of these and one of these and I’ll be right back.” And with that, Stede's off again, Ed laughing quietly on the couch.

By the time the tea is cooled enough to drink, Ed is curled up around Stede on the couch in what can only be called a nest of blankets, doing more sniffling than anything else, but feeling better overall, thanks to the magical combination of medicine, tea, and Stede.

“This really hit you right out of nowhere, hm?” Stede murmurs, stroking a hand through Ed’s hair. It’s shorter and definitely grayer these days, but Ed’s pretty sure he’ll always react to Stede touching it the same way: melting into a pile of goo. God, he really is getting soft in his old age. 

“Yeah,” Ed sighs, leaning back into Stede’s touch. “Not so bad though, I guess…” Soon there would be way too much food arriving at their door, and cleaning up to do, and planning for the week ahead, but for now… 

Now, Ed would swear he can hear Stede’s gleeful little smile behind him. He decides to let him win this one, just before drifting off in a late-afternoon nap. 

*

“Stede, darling, I love you and your adorable, ridiculous, over the top nighttime routine but can you please just— Yes, good, that. Thank you very much,” Ed says, unable to stop the smile from taking over his face as Stede throws himself dramatically onto the bed and curls himself around Ed’s chest, face pressed right into the spot between his neck and shoulder, nose warm against his ear. 

Heaven. 

“Fuck, that’s it,” Ed sighs. 

Stede laughs, giggles, really, and Ed can feel the sound warm right through him. ��Y’laughing at me?” Ed asks through a yawn. 

“Never, my love,” Stede promises. “It’s just that we have been literally together all day now, and you were really quite demanding that I get in here right now,” he points out. “You slept on me for two hours just this afternoon!”

Ed pretends to consider this. “So? I wait all day for this, Stede,” he says, then pouts just a little. “Don’t you?” 

“Of course, yes,” Stede says, leaning over and brushing their noses together just gently before kissing him. Ed sniffles a little at the touch, his nose extra sensitive thanks to the monster cold he’s managed to pick up, but Stede doesn’t seem to mind that. 

“Good,” Ed says. “Feels good,” he repeats. 

Stede really can’t seem to stop himself from smiling now, as silly as it might seem. They really had spent the entire day together, and now here they are, giggling like children after lights out. “You feel good, too,” Stede tells him. “Though… Do you feel alright?” 

Ed twitches his nose like he’s testing something, sniffles a few times, then nods. “Think m’alright for now. Still doped up on everything you gave me earlier.” 

“Advil for your head and some cold medicine is hardly doped up,” Stede argues. He kisses Ed again, a distraction, but a welcome one. 

“You take good care of me,” Ed acquiesces, though it’s hard not to with Stede curled around him like this. 

Never one to turn down a compliment, Stede beams. 

“hh’itsSCH! hd’ISCHuh! Eh’sschIEW!”

The rush of sneezes manages to take Ed completely by surprise, and he knows he doesn’t completely manage to duck away from Stede in the process. 

“Fuck… sorry,” Ed mutters, fumbling for a tissue. 

“God bless you! Maybe not quite on the mend yet, then,” Stede says, smiling. 

Ed opens his mouth, ready to apologize again, or promise he’ll take extra good care of Stede in return for being patient zero in the span of a single day, but Stede stops him with another kiss. 

“There’s no way you’re escaping this, mate,” Ed tells him. “You’ve been all over me all day.”

“You’ve been all over me, too,” Stede points out. 

“Right, well, sorry in advance, is what I mean,” Ed says. "Never not going to be all over you, for what it's worth."

“Good. Me either. And it's bound to happen,” Stede shrugs. "If I get it, I get it."

And really, how did Ed get this lucky? Even if he had to wait years and years and make several wrong turns through relationshipland to get here, he knows he wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

“Now,” Stede says, “you rushed me over here so... come here, please.” He holds out an arm for Ed to curl back into him, and Ed wastes no more time arguing as he settles into place, the two of them slotting around each other like two perfectly shaped spoon.

Yeah, he waits all day for this, and it’s fucking perfect. 

[whoawardwinchester]

A Winchester Chronicle (c6)

Note: I appreciate everyone that answered the poll! I love that the majority wants to see this story go for a few chapters with a nice fluff, smut, and flow -other than the obvious human emotions and issues that occur in everyday life. I'm always open to suggestions, as well! If you don't want to comment, you are welcome to message me. :)

Please consider liking, commenting, and reblogging -but do not copy and add or take things out of my work!

Summary: you and Jensen hit the set in a small Colorado town, joining Jared and Jim for some light-hearted fun. The episode heats up as Dean gets infected with a mysterious sickness, and your character, Raven, stands by him through the tough scenes. Off-camera, you and Jensen's connection deepens, mixing work and personal vibes.

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Female Reader

Content Warning: (subject to change per chapter as this series is written) rough sex, anger, arguments, tension, angst and physical violence. Smut, fluff. Readers are advised to proceed with caution due to these themes and scenes.

Rating: 18+ for the whole series.

This is a work of fiction. There is no hate for anyone in real life.

If you want to be added to the tag list for this series, just let me know! Also be sure to tell me how I'm doing or request anything related to Jensen/Dean!

Taglist: @nancymcl @perpetualabsurdity @hobby27

Masterlist

Chapter 6: Has reference to Episode 6 'Yellow Fever'

You step out of the car, stretching your legs after the long drive to the small Colorado town where the next episode will be filmed. Jensen is by your side, his hand resting lightly on your back. The air is crisp, and the town’s quaint charm is evident in the old-fashioned storefronts and the friendly waves from the locals.The drive had been long and somewhat stressful.

About halfway there, the car the studio rented for you both started making strange noises, and Jensen had pulled over to check it out. He’d muttered under his breath, frustration clear in his voice as he fiddled under the hood. You’d gotten out to help in any way, the tension in the air reminding you too much of past moments with your late husband and mother, where frustration had always been directed at you.

“Damn this car,” Jensen had grumbled, slamming the hood shut. “We just need to get to the next town and find a mechanic.” He kicked some tools and sent them flying, barely missing a passing car. 

His frustration wasn’t aimed at you, but the tone brought back painful memories. You’d flinched at the commotion but stayed silent, feeling a pang of insecurity and the old PTSD stirring. Jensen had noticed your silence and glanced over, his expression softening.

“Hey,” he’d said gently, reaching over to squeeze your hand. “Are you ok?”

You’d nodded, forcing a small smile, but the unease lingered. It took a day and a half for the car to be fixed and the only things to do in the town you’d stopped at for the mechanic, was walk to a gas station, hang out at the hotel, or watch buzzards eat road kill. It felt like the set of Legion, honestly. Jensen was tense as the hours ticked by because you had a deadline to get to set by. His mood only worsened when you tried to tell him it was going to be ok. “They’re working on it, Jensen, Jesus Christ.” You were short with him. It was 119 degrees out. You were tired, and you weren’t sure how much more of his complaining you could take. You quietly walked into the hotel and got to the room. “I’m sorry, I just want to get on the road as much as you do. This isn’t ideal, but it’s also not the end of the wor…” Jensen spun you around as you were about to walk through the door, picked you up, carried you through the doorway and pushed the door shut with his foot. “I’m not mad at you. Do you know that?” He stood you up now, taking both of your hands in his and looking into your blue eyes. “I –I do know that. I think I’m just as grumpy as you about it, but… I know there’s more to this for me.” You felt ashamed. You’d worked through your trauma many times, but no matter how much you did, some things weren’t going to fix themselves as easily as others. “Are you talking about your husband?” He sat down on the bed, pulling you onto his lap and wrapped his arms around your waist. “And my mom… yeah. I’m sorry.” You started crying, hugging Jensen now. “Don’t do that. Don’t give them one more ounce of apology from you for how they chose to treat you and disguise it as love.” Jensen pulled your chin down to look at him and gently wiped a tear away with his thumb. “I wish I had known you then…” He trailed off, his thoughts drifting to another lifetime. “You wouldn’t have even given me the time of day, then.” You giggled, wiping the rest of your tears away. Your laugh broke his thoughts. “What? You? Of course I would have.” He said, smiling as he pulled both of you to lay on the bed, facing you. “No, Jen, you really wouldn’t have. I was lucky to leave my house maybe once a week to get groceries. And if I did get out more than that, I was tending to my family in every possible way. I was not witty, charismatic, or sexy in any way. I was surviving.” You turned away from Jensen, you didn’t want to see him pity you. He rolled you back over to face him again and propped himself up on his arm, placing the other over you. “Was it always like that? Even before you got married?” He asked seriously now. “Jensen… It doesn't matter now. Does it? I’m just… broken and I’ll be fine tomorrow, I promise.” You shifted beneath him to shimmy out of his gaze and from under his bodyweight. “ It does matter. Y/N, you are not broken, you’re a badass. You’ve endured so much in life and if you’re not ready to talk about it, say that. But please don’t pretend that I shouldn’t know at some point so that I can love you in the best way possible, even on the bad days.” He stopped you from moving lower. “If you go any lower, you’ll have to start unzipping.” He slyly added. You paused, confused on what to do or say. “...I was betrothed to my husband through my mom in an attempt at keeping me under her thumb even longer.” You were quivering now, as memories flooded your brain. “I didn’t even get to meet him until the day we got married, and at our first look, he said "I didn't have a choice in this either, but I'll try to make you happy."

Jensen held you close, his eyes full of concern as you continued, your voice trembling slightly.

“Those words he said, they seemed sweet at first. A promise of understanding and mutual effort. But as time went on, I realized they were also a confession of his own lack of agency. He was kind, yes, but his actions were often passive-aggressive. He never directly confronted my mother, leaving me to bear the brunt of her overbearing nature. When things went wrong, he would sigh heavily, make sad eyes, punch something, throw something, and then subtly imply that it was my fault for not handling things better.”

Jensen's grip on you tightened, his brows furrowing with concern. “And your mother...”

“My mother,” you continued, your voice steadying, “she never hesitated to voice her disapproval. She’d berate me for my choices, for my career, for not being the perfect daughter and wife she demanded. Her constant criticism wore me down, making me doubt my worth at every turn.”

Jensen’s eyes filled with empathy and sadness. “I’m so sorry you went through that. You don’t deserve to carry that weight. And I don’t want to ever make you feel like that.”

You nodded, feeling the warmth of his embrace.

Now, in the small hotel room, the weight of those memories pressed on you, and Jensen’s presence was both a comfort and a challenge. He was so different, so direct and caring in ways you weren’t used to.

Jensen gently squeezed your hands, bringing you back to the present. 

You took a deep breath, feeling a mix of relief and vulnerability. “It’s just...sometimes when things go wrong, I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault. Like I have to fix it, even if it’s out of my control.”

Jensen nodded, his expression serious. “My frustration, all day -did that make you feel that way?.”

A small smile tugged at your lips. “Honestly, no. You were completely valid in your response and frustration. The throwing and slamming, happens and wasn’t directed at me. You also never told me it was my fault, and that’s just going to take some getting used to.”

“Well, get used to it,” he said with a grin. “Because I’m not going anywhere. I will try to remember to not slam or throw anything though.”

You let out a shaky laugh, feeling some of the tension ease. You tucked your hair behind your ear, and kissed him. You knew at this moment you loved him. This man, with his mountain scents, rugged body, and dreamy voice -has always made you feel safe. You pulled out of the kiss with a slightly bewildered look. “I…” You wanted to tell him. “I…” You couldn’t get the words out. You felt the heat in your cheeks, but couldn’t tell if it was embarrassment at your stuttering or passion from the moment. You cleared your throat, softly. “I feel safe with you, Jen.” You managed.

“Good, princess,” he replied, pulling you to bed. “Now, let’s get some rest. We’ve got a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”

You nodded, feeling safe and supported. As you both lay down, you nestled into Jensen’s side, your worries completely melting away in the warmth of his presence. Your brain wouldn’t turn off though, and if you couldn’t tell him how you felt yet, then you could at least show him. Jensen was breathing softly, eyes closed, hand entwined in yours. You escaped his grasp and sat up looking at him adoringly. This perfect man was angelic. You slipped out of your clothes and softly climbed back to bed. As you studied him, you slowly made your way up his body, trailing your fingers as you went. He stirred a little, eyes fluttering with sleepiness. “Hey.” He smiled sleepily. You answered him with a kiss, taking his face in both hands, breathing heavily. When you broke the kiss, he wasn’t ready for it to end, trying to bring your lips back to his. “Jensen, I need to tell you something.” You said seriously, looking deep into his eyes. He stopped, looking at you waiting. “What’s wrong?” He asked, trying to prop himself up out of bed, now. “Nothing. But this thing I need to say, I can’t get out of my mouth…” You said shyly, pushing your forehead to his chest and holding him to the bed. “So let me show you.” 

You kissed his broad chest, veins grazed your lips as you trailed them down his abdomen, softly taking your hands down the sides at the same time. You stopped just above his groin and you didn’t have to see to know that Jensen was all ready for you. You looked up at him briefly, tucked your hair behind your ear, barely lifting your head from his body. He was fixated on you. Watching you and shivering at every light touch you made. His eyes dark with longing. You shimmied the blanket and his underwear slowly down over his erection, watching it spring up as the confinement lifted. He was engorged and his tip was glistening with his slick pre-juice. You look at him again with a questioning gaze. He nodded his silent approval, shifting for a better view. You started by licking up the juice flowing down the side of his cock. You loved the salty taste of him as you made the way up to his tip with your tongue. Swirling your tongue lightly around his nerves. He moaned. You loved that sound. You grasped the base of his dick with one hand and tightened your lips around the tip, sucking lightly and moved him into your mouth inch by inch. You whimpered at his girth. As you picked up momentum, he bent at the side and pulled at your leg, bringing your ass closer to him. He groaned at the sight of you. You could feel yourself dripping already and just knowing he saw it made you suck faster and harder. “Oh my gooood.” He said, gripping your hip with one hand, sliding the other up your thigh and to your pussy. You wiggled at his touch as he got closer to your slick cave. He slid a finger into you, hooking at your abdomen, matching your rhythm. You took him deeper into your mouth, approaching your throat. He put another finger in you, making you lose focus and gag on his length. He grabbed your hair into a ball in his other hand, lowering you further and further until you couldn’t breathe. You gagged again and he let you up. Gasping for air, you used your spit to keep him lubed while you stroked him with your hands. Jensen pulled his fingers from you and turned your head to look at him as he sucked your sweet juice off of his fingers, moaning. He pulled you firmly by your hair to lay next to him on your side, his cock now threatening to enter you from behind. He moved your hair out of the way and brought his mouth to your ear, breathing heavily and then kissing you down to your shoulder. You moaned at the sensation, flinching under the stubble of his chin. He propped your leg up with his hand, and entered you completely. “Jen!” You moaned, grabbing for his body behind you, scratching at him. “Fuck baby…” He grunted as he picked up the pace, watching your ass bounce, and holding your leg higher for more access. 

You felt the familiar surge of ecstasy building as your body tightened at the pleasure. Every push made your moaning louder. “That’s it, scream for me, princess.” He encouraged through clenched teeth. “No.” You whispered, trying to keep it down for the other rooms. But he pushed into you harder and harder, making you go against your answer. Your body couldn’t hold out any longer and clamped down on his cock as he released into you at the same time. “JENSEN! OH GOD!” You screamed and whimpered as he kept pushing and pushing to make sure you both rode it until you couldn’t any longer. You had to push him back and pull out of you as your body quaked from the pleasure. He leaned over you, giggling, as you turned to face him, cupping his face in your hand. “What?” You asked, looking at him sleepily. He leaned his forehead to yours, his voice got serious and low. “I love you, Y/N,” he whispered, his breath warm against your lips. “I know you’re not ready to say it yet, and that’s okay. But I need you to know it. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.”

You felt a surge of emotion, your eyes filling with tears as you looked into his sincere gaze. You didn’t need to say anything; the depth of his words and the intensity of the moment conveyed everything you felt. You pulled him closer, your lips meeting in a tender kiss, sealing the silent promise of love and understanding between you.

The next morning, the mechanic called with good news: the car was fixed. You and Jensen packed up and hit the road, making it to the set in Colorado without any further issues.

The small town greeted you with open arms, and the familiarity of the cast and crew brought a sense of normalcy.

“Hey, there they are!” Jared’s voice boomed across the parking lot as he and Jim walked over, grinning widely.

“Look who finally decided to show up,” Jim teased, pulling you into a warm hug.

“Blame the car,” Jensen said, rolling his eyes good-naturedly. “It decided to have a breakdown halfway here.”

“Better the car than you,” Jared jokes, clapping Jensen on the back.

The atmosphere was light-hearted as you caught up with Jared and Jim, swapping stories and laughing at inside jokes. Jensen’s arm slipped around your shoulders, pulling you close as you all headed towards the set. You shared playful moments, teasing each other about the intense scenes your characters would face. 

As you walked, Jensen’s grip on your shoulder tightened slightly, a silent apology for his frustration yesterday. You glanced up at him, meeting his eyes, and saw a flicker of worry there. He was still thinking about how he acted, about how it affected you.

“Hey, I’m sorry about yesterday,” he murmured when Jared and Jim were a few steps ahead. “I didn’t mean to snap or keep complaining. I just... I get worried when things go wrong. It’s nothing you did, I promise.”

You nodded, your heart warming at his concern. “I know. It’s okay, really. I just... sometimes it brings back memories. But I know you’re not like that.”

He stopped walking, turning to face you fully, his hands resting on your shoulders. “I never want to make you feel that way. You’re too important to me. If I ever do something that upsets you, please tell me.”

You smiled, feeling a rush of affection. “I don’t think I’ll have to. Your concern about if you treated me wrong says it all. I trust you.”

He leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead. “How’d I get so lucky?”

You shrugged, the last of your unease melting away. “Chemistry, who knew!” You chuckled together as you caught up to Jared and Jim, ready to dive into the next adventure.

The director gathers everyone around, his clipboard in hand, as he explains the episode’s premise. “Alright, folks, we’ve got a mysterious sickness killing the residents. Victims seem to die of fright, and Dean gets infected. Sam and Bobby have to move fast to save him.”

You and Jensen exchange knowing glances, a silent conversation passing between you. The bond you share is evident to everyone around, drawing smiles and nods of approval. The crew begins to prepare the set, and there’s a buzz of excitement in the air. Props are moved into place, cameras are adjusted, and the town transforms into the eerie setting for the episode.

As you watch the preparations, you feel a surge of anticipation. Jared saunters over, a playful grin on his face. “Hey, we get to film a scene with the Impala in front of a donut shop!”

Jensen laughs, shaking his head. “Oh man, how could I forget? The ‘Eye of the Tiger’ moment. Classic.”

You raise an eyebrow, curious. “What’s this about?”

Jensen chuckles, glancing at Jared. “I’m supposed to be waiting for Sam in the Impala. Just wait for the song to start playing.” He winked at you.

Jared chimes in, eyes sparkling with amusement. “She’s going to get a kick out of this.”

You laugh, imagining the scene. “I’m slightly terrified.”

Jensen grins, a twinkle in his eye. Jared nudges him, smirking. “Just don’t break character, Dean. We need you to be scared out of your mind, not rocking out.”

Jensen rolls his eyes playfully. “Yeah, yeah.”

The director calls everyone to their positions, and the lighthearted banter fades as you all slip into character. The scene is set with the Impala parked in front of an old-fashioned donut shop. Jensen sits in the driver’s seat, waiting for the cue. The camera rolls, and the scene begins with Jared as Sam walking towards the car.

But then, something unexpected happens. The crew hasn’t cut the music, and “Eye of the Tiger” starts playing over the speakers. Instead of staying in character, Jensen’s face lights up with a mischievous grin. He starts drumming on the steering wheel, nodding his head to the beat.

You watch in amusement as he steps out of the car, fully committing to the moment. He struts around the Impala, playing an imaginary guitar, completely lost in the music. Jared stops in his tracks, bursting into laughter, and the crew follows suit, unable to keep a straight face.

Jensen climbs onto the hood of the Impala, rocking out with an energy that’s contagious. The entire set erupts in applause and cheers, everyone caught up in the spontaneous performance. You can’t help but join in, clapping and laughing at the sheer joy of the moment.

Finally, the music fades, and Jensen hops down from the car, bowing dramatically. “Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week,” he jokes, earning more laughter and applause.

As the crew resets for the next take, you catch Jensen’s eye and give him a thumbs-up. He winks back, his grin wide and genuine. 

As the director's voice echoes through the set, "Action!" rings out, and you seamlessly slip into the role of Raven, the perceptive ally to the Winchester brothers. Sam and Dean navigate the eerie town, investigating the perplexing deaths attributed to an unknown sickness. You immerse yourself in the role, offering Raven's keen insights that unravel the mystery piece by piece. The camera captures every moment, framing your character's contributions to the unfolding drama.

Between takes, the atmosphere remains lively and warm. Jensen's eyes twinkle mischievously as he ribs you about Raven's intensity, his tone teasing yet affectionate. "Raven's really got that 'nothing escapes me' vibe today," he quips, a playful grin tugging at his lips.

You shoot back with a mock-serious expression, channeling Raven's sharp wit, "Well, someone's got to keep Dean from charging in like a bull in a china shop." Laughter ripples through the crew.

As the day wears on, the tension on set simmers beneath the surface, each scene bringing you closer to the heart of the episode's gripping storyline. The makeup team works meticulously, transforming Jensen into a pale shadow of his character, Dean, whose body succumbs to the mysterious sickness ravaging the town. You watch with a pang of empathy as Jensen embodies Dean's struggle, his acting prowess making the illness seem palpable.

"Stay with me, Dean," you murmur, your voice thick with emotion as you deliver Raven's heartfelt plea. The camera zooms in, capturing the raw intensity in your eyes, the depth of your connection with Jensen amplifying the scene's emotional impact. It's moments like these that remind you why you love acting—immersing yourself in a character's world, bringing their story to life with every fiber of your being.

Off-camera, during breaks between scenes, you and Jensen steal quiet moments to connect. Leaning against the Impala, stars strewn across the night sky, you discuss your characters' motivations and the nuances of the script, but the conversation often veers into more personal territory. Jensen shares anecdotes from his life on the road, his passion for classic cars evident as he shares about the Impala's history.

"You know, this car's been through more than a few hunts," Jensen remarks with a wry smile, patting the Impala's sleek exterior fondly. "Just like us, huh? Survived a lot of crazy adventures in a short amount of time."

You chuckle softly, the sound carrying a mix of amusement and genuine affection. "Yeah, and somehow we’ve always come out on top. Just like Dean and Raven."

He nods thoughtfully, his gaze lingering on you with an intensity that sends a flutter through your chest. "You know, I never expected this job to lead to such incredible friendships," Jensen admits, his voice tinged with gratitude. "Especially one as special as ours."

You meet his gaze, feeling a warmth spread through you at his words. "Just friends?," you say softly in a moment of reflection. “I would be honored if you would consider yourself my girl friend, Y/N Y/M/N.” He said pulling your chin up to meet your gaze. “The honor is all mine, Jensen Ross.” You whispered as you leaned in for a kiss, climbing onto the hood of the Impala, pulling him with you. “Take me.” You said through kisses, pulling off his flannel. He stopped and looked around. “No one is allowed to see you other than me.” He said, his voice serious. “Jen… make it quick.” Pleading as you slid closer to him, running your hands up under his shirt, his warmth radiating with his quickening pulse. Before Jensen could consider it, Jared walked by clearing his throat. “Did they not book you a room together?” He joked, thumping the hood of the impala as he walked past. “SEE.” Jensen said, motioning towards Jared. “I can’t do this here.” He laughed. “You’ll just have to be patient.” He winked, pulling his flannel back on and helping you off the hood. You sighed as you walked to the next set.

Sam and Bobby are relentless in their search for a cure, their brows furrowed with determination as they pour over ancient texts and consult grimoires. 

“Dean’s running out of time,” Sam mutters, his eyes scanning the page of an old, leather-bound book. “We need to find the source of this sickness before it’s too late.”

Bobby huffs, adjusting his cap. “We’re close, kid. Just gotta keep at it.”

You nod, your heart pounding in your chest, trying to think of how to help Dean. 

As the cameras roll, the weight of the storyline presses down on you, each scene heavy with the impending threat to Dean’s life. You find yourself lost in the moment, fully immersed in Raven’s determination and fear. But between takes, the mood lightens considerably. The cast jokes and laughs, finding moments of levity amidst the seriousness of the plot.

“Hey, remember that time Dean thought he could out-drink a demon?” Jared teases, nudging Jensen with a grin.

Jensen chuckles, shaking his head. “Yeah, not one of Dean’s finer moments.”

As the day progresses, you move to the more harrowing scenes. Dean, now severely afflicted by the sickness, starts hallucinating. His eyes widen in terror as he sees Lilith, appearing as a little girl, taunting him.

“Dean,” you call softly, stepping into the scene, your voice trembling with concern. “It’s not real. I’m right here.”

Dean’s eyes darted around wildly, his breathing ragged. “She’s here. She’s going to kill us all.”

You reach out, gently touching his arm. “Who’s here? Look at me, Dean. Focus on my voice. Whoever she is, she’s not real.”

He starts to hyperventilate, the fear gripping him tightly. You pull him into your arms, holding him close as he shakes. “I’ve got you. Guys, anything?” You asked urgently.

Jensen’s performance is heart-wrenching, his portrayal of Dean’s vulnerability and fear striking a deep chord. Sam and Bobby continue their desperate search for a cure, their frustration mounting as time runs out. “We’re missing something,” Sam mutters, rubbing his temples. “There has to be a link we haven’t seen yet.”

Bobby slams a book shut. “Think, boy. What ties all the victims together?”

You join them, flipping through another ancient tome. “What if it’s not about who they are, but what they fear? This sickness seems to prey on their deepest fears.”

Sam’s eyes light up with realization. “Fear. That’s it. We need to find a way to break its hold.”

The urgency heightens as you work together, Raven and Sam’s insights guiding them closer to the truth. “Are you sure about this, Sam?” Bobby says, his voice tinged with hope. “Do either of you have a better idea, because I’m all ears.” Sam says loading a shotgun. “Well, let’s kill this bastard.” You said, revving the engine to a car.

As the cameras roll once more, you stand beside Dean, your heart aching as you see the toll the sickness has taken on him. “Stay with me, Dean,” you plead, your voice filled with emotion. “We need you.”

Dean’s eyes meet yours, a flicker of hope shining through the fear. “Raven…”

You squeeze his hand, willing him to hold on. “Right here, baby.” That wasn’t your line… but the moment was so intense you just said what you felt about Jensen right there. 

Off-camera, you and Jensen find solace in each other’s presence. The intense scenes bring you closer, the shared experience deepening your bond. You discuss your characters, but the conversation often drifts to more personal topics, the lines between acting and reality blurring.

“Jensen, I…” you start, unsure how to express the tumult of emotions swirling inside you.

He takes your hand, his touch grounding you. “I know. Me too.”

The day finally comes to a close, and you film the climactic scene where Sam and Bobby kill the ghost who infected Dean. Dean is saved, and there’s a collective sigh of relief on set.

“We did it,” you whisper, a tear slipping down your cheek.

Jensen pulls you into a tight embrace. “Yeah, we did.”

As the crew wraps up for the day, you feel a sense of accomplishment and gratitude. The journey has been challenging, but it’s also brought you closer to the people who matter most. You share a final, lingering look with Jensen, knowing that this bond, both on and off-screen, is something truly special.

That evening, as the cast gathers to celebrate the successful shoot, you reflect on the day’s events.“To us,” Jensen says, raising his glass in a toast. “To this incredible journey and the people we’ve met along the way.”

“To us,” you echo, your heart full.

[ninelivesastrology]

One of my boundaries as an astrologer is that I don't look at charts without being paid to do it. It's one thing if someone's my peer, but I really don't like to blur that line. The spiritual and occult community is like any other communities and unfortunately, people—diviner or not—do get taken advantage of.

tw: spiritual abuse, stalking, psychological abuse, power dynamics

I like astrologers to people that have to handle sensitive information to service people and I want more people to think of it that way because spiritual abusers already do. I'm like a bank teller who can pull up your account information except I'm looking at your chart, your life, you. Session ends, I forget what I said 20 minutes later.

In fact, one of the weirdest things that was done to me was people trying to reverse engineer my chart to bring about negative things, I don't know how else to word it. People will manipulate and project all this weird shit onto you because your planet falls in your house or in Synastry, their house. Now, they believe you're supposed to fuck or something. Or that your "karma" is them fucking you over and that you deserve it. Cope harder.

I'm weird about sharing my chart for these reasons because people real life don't know what the fuck they're looking at and are just operating off confirmation bias to confirm their beliefs about you. I was friends with a fake, clout chasing tarot reader that friendship bombed her way into my life because I had a high following count. She projected everything in her readings for me and on other people when in reality, she was pulling fake cards and dysregulating me constantly to control me on top of biting me. I read for years, so this is no hate to any diviner who uses cards. One thing about me in regards to my clients is that they heard me pulling cards, heard me interpreting for sometimes an hour straight and always got a picture of their spread. Clients need to see their cards, period. I stan tarot, still can read a spread down, I just don't primarily read that way. But yeah, I was abused in that way. Sounds crazy because it is crazy. My therapist was like 😧😧😧😧.

By the end of it, I learned she believed that we were supposed to be together—I remember she literally sent me the Ten of Cups and claimed it was us which is the biggest red flag looking back. Seemed so innocent, but I knew the Ten of Cups was a family card and I saw her as a sister, nothing more. She'd done the most heinous shit to stalk me and ensure I would break up with my husband... because that was something she believed. Fiction, not fact. Definitely fiction since me and my husband are still together. And not because she loved me either, she just wanted to exploit me. She condemned people who watched pick a card after pick a card about someone who isn't into them and turns out, she was projecting. It was a betrayal. You can't be friends with people who lie to themselves because they'll lie to you.

I don't like to blur the lines or be put on the spot when it comes to another person's chart. I find that sometimes people use their charts to disarm you and get you to see what you want to see in them rather what's really there. And sometimes, it's done so you feel comfortable swapping, it's some type of spiritual blackmail* at worst.

But again, you wouldn't give someone your routing number, would you? Yeah.

Even moreso, people will look to other astrologers' interpretations in attempts to get to know you before you can naturally get to know each other. At worst, this is controlling and hints at someone just looking for weaknesses to exploit. There's grey areas, but gaslighting thrives in grey areas.

Monetary exchange is a boundary. We don't access each other without an appropriate exchange because I hate power dynamics. And my biggest problem was not being able to recognize if someone would never be my peer and the only way they could hold a candle to me is if I gave them access to me. So I started being Saturn AF and going no contact when people had me fucked up. 👎

*Forgive me, I'm trying to apply names to what happened to me so people can easily understand what I'm describing and recognize if it's happening to them.

[that-ari-blogger]

Amity's Fate (Escaping Expulsion)

Found family stories are fun, aren't they? They have become a dime a dozen in recent years, and I think that that's a good thing.

Family comes in varying forms, and The Owl House explores that as a core tenet. Lilith is surrounded by the theme. Belos and The Golden Guard feature it as a secondary characteristic. Luz can't escape the theme. Even Kikimora's arc deals with it.

Odalia is the main antagonist for this idea. It's her entire deal. And the way in which she acts as that familial final boss is fascinating to me.

Let me explain.

SPOILERS AHEAD (The Owl House, Rise of the Guardians, One Piece, Critical Role: Campaign 1)

What makes someone "important"?

In fiction, this is rather easy to tell. A character is important if they have a significant effect on the plot, and this is usually rewarded with time in the spotlight. Most often, the most important character in the plot is the one the reader will see the most. Obviously, there are exceptions, but this is a general rule.

But in terms of real life, what exactly is it that makes someone important? And how do you define "important"?

You could argue that inventors hold this title, or entrepreneurs, or politicians, as they define the overarching structure of your world. But I would say that my friends and family have more of an influence on my personal daily life. They are the ones who have made me into who I am today.

Maybe the most important person to you is your significant other, or a teacher, or someone random on a bus who accidentally reshaped your entire worldview six years ago.

Importance of plot and importance in reality are two different things, and my take on Odalia is a weird twist on that. Odalia is important to the plot because she is completely unimportant to Amity.

The arcs surrounding Odalia, those of her children and husband, revolve around them realising that they have better parts of their lives than her. Amity, for example, spends a decent chunk of the series learning that she doesn't need Odalia in her life and that Luz and co. are a much bigger influence on her than her mother's teachings.

Essentially, Odalia is only important because people think she is. Once they realise, she fades from relevance. I think that's a really cool writing decision.

When Odalia and Alastor were introduced, back in Understanding Willow, the choice was made to obscure their character designs to silhouettes because who these people were wasn't important, and the episode focused on what they had done.

But now, the audience is treated to their full appearances, and I'd like to take that apart.

Alastor is a mess. He hasn't been bothered to get into formal attire for a business meeting, either because he doesn't own a suit or because he doesn't care. Judging by the fact he lives in a mansion, I am inclined to believe the latter. He is covered in stains from his research and wears a set of goggles to lean into the professorial atmosphere. Combine that with the unkempt hair and his design is drawing heavy inspiration from Victor Frankenstein, something I will come back to in detail in a later post.

Odalia is Amity's final evolution. Everything about her is Amity taken to the extreme. She has the same nail polish, earrings (although her earrings change between shots), and hair colour, but the hair is more tidy. Her outfit is also more regal and more purple. She is what Amity will become; a path laid out for her. It is almost as if she has sculpted Amity in her image.

Odalia's design also reminds me a lot of Mrs Tweedy from Chicken Run for reasons I cannot articulate.

Upon looking at Amity and her parents, it is obvious that Amity and her mother are related, but Alador seems like the odd one out, right? Except for two things.

Amity's hair is her means of expression in the story. When she dyes it different colours, it is an outward manifestation of her internal development. When it is left to its own devices, she has naturally brownish red hair, similar but not exactly the same as Alador.

Amity is her own person who bears a ton of similarity to her father figure. But someone, most likely herself at the behest of Odalia, has made a concerted effort to cover that up.

The other element of Amity's design that links to her father's is something nobody can cover up. Amity has her father's eyes.

Rise of the Guardians is an egregiously underrated film that I love. It deals purpose and finding joy, but its pivotal scene is relevant to the discussion of Amity and Alador.

"You have big eyes." "Yes! Big eyes, very big, because they are full of wonder That is my centre. It is what I was born with: eyes that have always seen the wonder in everything! Eyes that see lights in the trees, and magic in the air - this wonder is what I put into the world!... It is my centre. What is yours?"

Santa Claus in Rise of The Guardians is a character who relies imagination and creativity, and there is a difference in the film between born gifts and who a person chooses to be. Santa was born seeing the world differently, and he used that to create and preserve that imagination in others.

Amity and Alador both see the world in the same way. They both look at the world and see what could be. They are intelligent, but less in the restrictive, linear ideal of "being a good student", they are more inventors, and Odalia has taken that intelligence and confined it.

That, is where the final element of Odalia and Alador's character designs comes into play, their expressions.

Alador looks tired all of the time. He isn't happy at all in this episode, and he only smiles twice. His entire demeanor tells you that he doesn't want to be wherever he is.

Odalia, however, alternates between arrogant superiority and scheming gremlin, and that reveals her personality as much as her actions. Odalia believes herself superior to others and is having fun with that confidence.

Amity is presented with both of these parental figures as options for her to develop into. The series is offering a good and a bad option, but then it does something clever and takes another rout. Amity becomes her own person, informed by her father, but unique in her own way.

To my point of Odalia's practical irrelevance, it's notable that all of Odalia's influence on her daughter is impermanent. It's her clothing, hairstyle, and expression, all of which Amity drops like a stone when she starts to achieve her autonomy.

Speaking of autonomy, this episode actually has stuff happening in it.

Starting with a side note. Gus barely reacts to the threat of execution and looks more horrified by being expelled. Everyone else in this scene looks and sounds equally upset by both, with the exception of Amity's relief at the second option. But Gus doesn't make a noise and just looks surprised by incoming death, as if it's a class he doesn't particularly want to go to, but has no choice in the matter. Does that concern anyone else?

I want to point out that Amity doesn't ever look afraid of her mother. She reacts to the execution gaff similarly to everyone except Gus, but to everything else, she just looks sad. This isn't a physically abusive relationship, but an emotionally abusive one. Amity spends the entirety of this episode feeling trapped.

"Luz, was it? Please, this isn't personal. I actually appreciate your tenacity. We're just trying to teach our daughter a valuable lesson in business."

Once again, this is the end result that Odalia has set out for Amity, complete uncaring ambition.

Now, I am not skilled in the art of business, I know that one line from A Muppets Christmas Carrol and that's about it. But I think Luz's response to Odalia is pretty neat.

"How does this teach anything? We're still gonna be friends with her. I'm calling applesauce on this business baloney!"

I do have to thank the writers of The Owl House for making Luz's dialect so incomprehensibly Luz, because it makes navigating the transcript (link) so much easier.

Anyway, as Luz points out, Odalia is just petty here. She is seeking revenge against her daughter for messing up her business promotion and is leveraging her unrivaled power to do so. She's not as uncaring as she thinks, and to her credit, she realises this in the moment.

But, Odalia is still cruel and entitled, being self aware doesn't diminish her villainy, and so she offers Amity' position to Luz. She has a mould, and she doesn't particularly care who fills it, just that it is filled. Odalia is another villain in this series who represents that theme of constraint.

Luz's dialect is actually important in this scene, because it positions her as a thematic opposite to Odalia. Luz doesn't care about the rules of "polite conversation" and will say whatever nonsense comes to her head if it gets the point across. Luz is free in her verbal expression, and Odalia restricts that of her family to barely a word.

However, Luz doesn't confront Odalia on a thematic level. The themes of the story are expressed through Luz's sheer presence, but in this situation, she isn't actively trying to prove the superiority of her worldview. Instead, she applies more of a Monkey D. Luffy approach.

For those who haven't read One Piece, Monkey D. Luffy (Third from the left) is a character who wants to be the freest man in the world. His antagonist is the World Government, who is restrictive and oppressive, and Luffy exists to oppose abuse of authority and injustice.

Luffy doesn't actively do this. He doesn't really care about the theming of his own story, it just happens around him. Repeatedly in the series, most notably in Enies Lobby and Arlong Park, Luffy declares comes into conflict with villainous powers who thematically oppose him. But, he doesn't confront them because of that theme, but because they hurt his friends.

Luz does the same thing across The Owl House, taking on Belos and Lilith in season one because she doesn't like how they treat Eda, and taking on Odalia here because she doesn't like how she treats Amity.

If you look closely, she actually does it twice in this very episode.

"Luz, you don't have to do that." "Yes, I do. Willow and Gus don't deserve this."

Luz gives in and takes up Odalia's offer to protect her friends, not because Odalia is nebulously villainous.

Back to Amity, she doesn't get as many actual lines in this episode as usual, but she is very much present in every scene she shows up in. From the silence, to the expressions, to the frustrated growling at every hinderance. Her worlds are colliding, and she can't keep everything under control.

This hits a breaking point with the confrontation.

"No, you're gonna listen to me for once. Luz, Willow and Gus are my friends! They're nice to each other, they listen to each other. They make me think about the kind of person I really want to be!"

Let's talk about Taryon Darrington.

Critical Role is a D&D live play that is currently in its third campaign. Halfway through the first campaign, the audience and players were introduced to the character of Taryon Darington, an artificer and human disaster in the most positive of ways.

I genuinely love Taryon, and have an entire post in the works dedicated to him and his significance for TTRPG culture as a whole, so I won't dwell too much here. Suffice to say this: Taryon's parental situation is similar to Amity's, in that his father viewed all of the Darington estate as means to an end, without the care and affection necessary to actually raise a family. When Taryon confronted him, he gave a speech remarkably similar to Amity's in Escaping Expulsion.

"In my year of travel, I didn't just dilly-dally around the world having fun. I was learning about the world and about life and about family. I was learning from these fine people what it means to really be a family, and care about each other. I learned from Grog and Vax what it means to be a man, and to be a father. I learned from Pike what it means to be a caring mother. I learned from Keyleth what a real sister is like, one who loves you and cares for you. I learned from Vex what a best friend is like. These are things you never gave us, growing up. I even learned from Percival, the type of man I would want to marry one day."

This is a speech of separation. It says officially that Howaardt (Taryon's father) has no bearing on his actions, and that Taryon will go about his life without a care for the foolishness of his father's actions. It is claiming autonomy, and it is pointing out that Howaardt was only important to Taryon because he told him so, in reality, the connection was minimal.

Amity's little speech is the same. She is proclaiming that she doesn't need Odalia's fake affection and conditional acceptance. She wants to be around her friends, as they make her into a better person. Amity is more influenced by the actions of those she surrounds herself with than her mother.

Most of all, Amity is influenced by Luz and the example she sets. Light, do not faulter.

That's some good found family storytelling, right there.

Final Thoughts

Odalia and Amity's story will continue until the end of the series, but it really ends with season two's penultimate episode, which I will get to.

I wanted to do a whole thing on how purple is associated with wealth because of sea snails (its more complicated than that), but I couldn't figure out a way of putting it in the post and relating it to the abominations and Amity's hair dye later on in the series.

I didn't talk about Eda and Lilith discovering more nuanced glyph magic, and that's because... I don't like the writing in those scenes. This episode is really good overall, but the dialogue in Lilith and Eda's scenes doesn't sit right with me, it feels too simple, like it's trying too hard to be turned into memes. But that's just my opinion.

Next week, I am looking at Echoes of the Past, so stick around if that interests you.

Previous - Next

[myfaveisfuckable]

Tuvok:

Ok, first off: real world standards, he's not normal passing. Apart from the ears, he's just too autistic (sorry, "Vulcan" 🙄) to be considered "normal looking". He went to 1990s earth once and Did Not Pass as normal. But in universe, he would on the surface seem like a model Vulcan. And he is, kinda. But he's also so gd weird. (/aff)

Not even gonna get into how badly he wants to be Will Graham because obviously that's there too but we don't have all day. Anyway.

Obvs the emotions struggle is real as it is for any Vulcan worth paying attention to, if only because they were all only ever written by humans.

But also, tangential to him being Will Graham coded (but still separate enough) he is a total mind slut. You know how some characters will go "when I have a problem, I set it on fire" or shit like that? When Tuvok has a problem, he mind melds with it. Homoerotically if it's an option. Dude even got a mind std one time, despite the fact that's not even a thing.

And then whatever the fuck kinda thing he has going on with Janeway. Not even necessarily in a shippy way ("not romantic, not platonic, so devoted the lines blur") but like... not only is he unreasonably loyal to her but he does shit like not only letting her touch him whenever she wants but *deliberately offering her HIS HAND to hold* to comfort her when she needs it (reminder that hand touching is very intimate to Vulcans and can be likened to human kissing) and again, they're never even stated as romantic or anything, they're just friends and yet he is more loyal to her than he is to his own code of ethics.

Obviously part of all of it could be because Janeway (or possibly Kate Mulgrew) is simply Like That, she does do shit like tell her platonic subordinate "then be a good rat and find us the cheese" in a tone that makes me lose it, but it's not all her, Tuvok is also extremely not normal about it. I should submit Janeway too actually, I'll do her next.

Also, afaik Tuvok is the only crew member of Voyager (who makes it back) who had a romantic partner before the ship got lost in the Delta quadrant and remained loyal the entire seven years they were lost. I *think* Samantha Wildman also did but she's a minor character (so she could've been getting it off screen) and she started out pregnant so once born Naomi both kept her busy and was a living reminder of her husband's love. So in that regard, Tuvok is very much not normal but like in the most positive way. He literally didn't cheat on his wife even when his life was in danger (they *were* out there for seven years so of course he hit pon farr eventually) and I think that's really cool of him. But also very not normal.

I'm very tired rn but once the polls come out, simply check out the blog of Bea @bumblingbabooshka (wanna clarify, I'm not him but he is THE Tuvok blogger in my opinion) who has written much on this already.

There's also the whole stuff that happened around his monestary era but I'm not even at that part yet but it must've been wild.

Anyway. Vote Tuvok

Janeway:

- will literally martyr herself at the drop of a hat

- will kill you if she thinks it's what she needs to do for her crew

- will not kill you if she thinks you've got residue humanity after decades as a borg drone even though realistically she really should've (tho ofc we're all glad she didn't)

- will violate your personal rights if she thinks you're not "human" enough and also compare you to a replicator (yes I'm still salty about that. wait what was the question? right, i'll get back on track)

- will say absolutely deranged shit like "then be a good rat and find us the cheese" in the a tone that makes me lose my mind and basically give everyone a crush on her (and also mommy issues) if they spend too long in her vicinity, leading to a very loyal crew

- her solution to having a crush on a fictional character was to delete his wife (very relatable but also very not normal)

- she wanted to watch hot Q on Q sex (possibly for scientific reasons) and looked very disappointed when it was severely underwhelming

- WHO brings a bathtub on a spaceship???

- there's more but y'know