#only Orc Jesus can save

[thegreatzombieartisan]

People who believe Orcs can be “fixed” as babies through social emotional learning and hugs:

Here’s a little tale.

A scorpion wants to cross a pond but can’t swim. He sees a frog and asks for a ride. Naturally the frog is reluctant to let a poisonous scorpion ride his back.

The scorpion says, “But if I sting you, we will both drown.” Reassured, the frog agrees. Yet halfway across the pond, the scorpion stings the frog.

“Why did you do this?” the frog asked, to which the scorpion replied, “I can’t help it. It’s in my nature.”

See, this is your future if you bring an Orc — a being whose nature is imbued with Morogth’s malice, and described as “naturally bad” — into your house like some Kitty Meow Meow. Somehow, someway you’ll regret this.

If the wisest of Middle Earth didn’t attempt an Orc rescue center, let’s assume they knew better.

[goddamnwebcomics]

4 Misconceptions about Webcomics I’ve riffed

It’s been a while since I’ve done an article thingy.

Although most of the comics I’ve riffed aren’t super famous, many of them still have been discussed throughout certain corners of the Internet. Here are some misconceptions I see people make from time to time.

4. Goku wears a fedora (Crash Bandicoot Retold)

SuperSaiyanCrash appears again despite never being riffed here. What a concept. Either way, there are a lot of misconceptions about both the man and his comics made by people who just see him as another cringe comic artist. Something I see frequently made fun of is that the character Goku Bandicoot, who is Richie’s self-insert, wears a fedora, and therefore Richie also wears a fedora. I know it looks like a fedora, but no, it’s a cowboy hat surprisingly enough. The only proof there is really is in Richie’s infamous selfie, where he is wearing a cowboy hat. I know thinking that Goku is wearing a fedora is funny, but no, Richie’s just not good at drawing hats.

3. Dominic Deegan defended rape

I’d argue this one is the most widespread and the most infamous thing about this comic. Hell even this blog has kinda repeated this rhetoric from time to time. But let’s get the context clear. After their tribes almost go to war, Stonewater takes Melna to their parents tent, where she is panicking. Stonewater tries to explain the situation to her but when she doesn’t listen, Stonewater rapes her. Stonewater’s act is presented as a bad thing, and he tries to redeem himself afterwards. The problem with this scene is that it’s COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY. And also, the whole point of this scene was that apparently rape is a traditional thing in orc culture which is fucked up especially since Mookie is trying to present orcs as a super-minority. Also, Stonewater became some sort of Orc Jesus after this and Melna fell in love with him despite raping her which is...yeeeeeeah. This scene should have been cut period, and Mookie could’ve saved himself the trouble.

2. Albert Temple pretended to be three people

Albert Temple is truly a mysterious figure, so mysterious that his great scam of the century wasn’t exposed until after his death. He famously pretended to be his girlfriend, his friend who draws a pornocratic webcomic and his friend’s girlfriend. This is however, not all of them, on top of that he also pretended to be his friend’s mother, his friend’s girlfriend’s father, his other friend (who owns Burlington)), his other friend’s girlfriend (who owns Moonlight) and apparently, C. Eagle, you know, Donald Duck the Eagle? This is proven because none of these people have shown activity since Albert’s death, and also a Kit n Kay Boodle page mentions a group chat with all of these people in it. However we don’t know if these were the only identities Albert had, so it’s safe to say that Albert pretended to be almost ten people.

1. Mecha Maid is a stereotype

Spinnerette is criticised for a lot of things which are fair. It is a fetish comic masquerading as a progressive lesbobait comic, it has hidden objectivist agenda, the issue format is horrible, the canon porn comics add no depth to the story and in general the comic seems to have dropped any and all continuity. However, one strange accusation that is thrown at Mecha Maid’s way is that she is apparently a stereotype of Koreans? Anytime it’s brought up it’s never elaborated on. Now Spinnerette does have shitton of stereotypes while also trying to subvert said stereotypes, Mecha Maid doesn’t strike me as a stereotype of koreans at all. In fact, she is presented as a weeaboo and if she were more of a stereotype she would hate the japanese? Character of Mecha Maid can be criticised for a lot of things, but her being a stereotype is pretty much an aimless claim. She really isn’t a lesbian stereotype either, as Spinny fills that part more.

[bump1nthen1ght]

I’m Still Hurting (F!Reader/M!Orc)

Pairings: Fem!Reader/Male!Orc

Genre: Urban Fantasy, Angst

Warnings: (Almost) Infidelity

Word Count: 3376 words

Summary: Your boyfriend does something he’d never thought he’d do, and you’re left to try and pick up the pieces.

Request: can I make a request? About an angst story between an m!orc and f!human. I like the idea of like maybe the orc sorta misses being with other orc women or like she can't fulfill his needs and she hears this. I like the idea of almost infidelity

A/N: Surprise bitches! I’m alive! And back with some delicious angst for y’all!! I really loved doing this request, as I don’t often write full on angst. I am also working on a fluffy request  at the moment, if some of you would like some nice comfort after this haha. Hope y’all enjoy!

Honey ❤️: Babe

Honey ❤️: Babe please answer the phone I need to talk to you

Honey ❤️: I know you’re angry, you should be angry, but please talk to me

Honey ❤️: Baby please

“____? Is that my phone?” Brynn yells from the kitchen, already mixing another cocktail for you to down. Her bright red horns peek over the living room divider, bouncing back as she grabs the alcohol from the fridge. Still looking at your bright screen, you don’t even have the energy to respond.

“____?” You throw your phone away as she peaks her head over, giving her a shameful look. Brynn furrows her brow, pulling away from the kitchen island and putting one hand on her hip. “Was that him?” With your eyes darting back and forth from the pillow you shoved your phone under and Brynn’s face, you nod.

“Y-yeah, it was him.”

Brynn sighs, fiddling with her hands.

“Listen, I don’t want to tell you what to do, especially not tonight, but I just think-”

“No, no, it’s alright. You’re right, you’re right.” A jolt hits you as your phone vibrates, the vibrations rumbling through the fabric and stabbing right into your stomach. You force yourself to look away, fiddling with your fingers. Brynn shoots you a pitiful look, you’re sure of it, even as your efuse to meet her gaze. “I shouldn’t talk to him tonight. Not right now, not when I’m like….this.” A slow, tired breath escapes you. “I’ll make him wait, just like he did.”

The coach cushion bends as Brynn sits next to you, rubbing your shoulder as she leans in for a side each. You accept it, your body like a deadweight as you let yourself go slack in her arms.

“Do you want anything? Chocolate, maybe a movie? I’ve got some leftover cheesecake?”

“A movie sounds nice.” You murmur, nodding against her chest. Brynn hums, her tail coming up and massaging your lower back as she kisses you on the forward.

“Of course, your choice. Do you want me to get your drink?”

You nod once more, letting Brynn untangle herself from the hug and laying back on the couch, grabbing the comfiest blanket and the remote. You quickly flick through you and Brynn’s ‘most watched’ section on Netflix. You need something new tonight, something to get your mind off.

All your regular comfort movies are romances, after all.

By the time Brynn comes back, a rum and coke and a carton of ice cream in hand, you’re already snuggled into a blanket burrito. She hands you a spoon and the glass, which you wordlessly accept. She sits down and throws a hand over your shoulder, trying her best to massage the left over tension in your neck. You sink into the feeling, pressing on your movie of choice.

“Mad Max: Fury Road, huh? I’ve heard this movie’s great.”

“Yeah,” you whisper, “It is.”

And chocked full of shitty men getting what they deserve.

As the opening title plays, the deep voice of Tom Hardy kicking the movie off, you snuggle into Brynn’s side. Your phone buzzes again, but it’s drowned out by screaming men and loud engines. Just how you like it.

Honey ❤️: Could you call me in the morning?

Honey ❤️: I’ll leave you alone for the night, I’m sorry

Honey ❤️: I love you

--------

Waruck sighs, his fingers shaking as another small ‘message delivered’ shows up on his screen. No response, just like the last 15 texts. He finds himself typing out another anyway.

I love you so fucking much

It reads, but is quickly deleted. Waruck clicks off his phone, but it stays in his hand, taunting him. The black mirror shows a sad, pathetic boyfriend, getting the silent treatment.

He falls back onto his bed, exhausted from a day of doing nothing. Nothing but worrying and feeling guilty, with the occasional flicking through TV channels and texting his girlfriend.

It’s getting late, his bedside clock cutting through the dark of his room to remind him he’s been up for almost 16 hours now. Waruck slides a hand through his hair and gets up. He’s going to have to camp out in front of the TV, because he knows he won’t be able to sleep tonight.

Not after what he did.

--------

He had gone out with friends. Friends from highschool who he still occasionally chatted with, friends he didn’t even really like anymore. But the past two weeks had him feeling oddly...nostalgic, like something was out of place. So when his buddy Simon had invited him to the bar, he had eagerly accepted.

He remembers grabbing his coat, you sending him a text to have fun, and him not replying. He didn’t know why he didn’t respond, he still doesn’t. The two of you had been going strong for almost 8 months now, with only the occasional hiccup that most couples have. So why didn’t he respond? What made him casually throw your sweet remark to the side like that?

Waruck shakes his head, trying to focus on the movie in front of him. Now isn’t the time to get existential over tiny shit like that, not with how the rest of the night went.

When he met up with the group, Waruck immediately knew that tonight was going to be different. His current group of friends are quite different, less rowdy, than his old posse. At only 10 PM, three of the guys we’re already halfway drunk, saving a spot in line from him outside the noisy bar. The electronic music that thrummed through the concrete and out onto the street reminded him of how much time has passed, how different his usual party-scene is now, and he revels in that feeling of former good-times.

Simon greets him with a hug, the guys shouting his name as he joins them. From the corner of his eye, he sees a gaggle of girls giggling.

And that's where it started.

An orc woman, dressed in a beautiful black dress, winks as she passes him at the bar. Simon nudges his side as Waruck takes a drink.

“Dude, that chick is totally sending you the look”

Waruck furrows his brow, stirring his drink.

“What’s ‘the look’?” He says, taking another sip of his scotch.

Simon rolls his eyes. “The ‘come hit on me’ look dude! That’s the sign you need to go for it!”

“I have a girlfriend, Simon.”

Simon scoffs, throwing his hand out dramatically. “What, that human chick?”

Waruck has half of mind to set down his drink and ask Simon what he means with that sarcastic tone of voice. It pisses him off, but he says nothing, just rolls his eyes.

“No offense, bro, she looks cute and all. But is she really worth missing out on some great ass?”

Waruck grimaces and shoots Simon a dirty look. “Jesus, Simon, are you serious?”

“I’m serious! When was the last time you had fun, y’know? Everyone knows an orc chick can throw down, wild-style.” Simon nudges him in his side, playfully, but it only serves to make Waruck more annoyed. “C’mon, you seriously don’t miss it?”

Waruck should tell him a firm ‘No’, finish his drink, and leave. He should call a cab and go home, call you and rant about his gross misogynistic friend from high school.

But he doesn’t.

The part of him, the part of him that feels slightly off, wonders if this is it. It had been a long time since he had been with another orc. You were a great girlfriend, but so different from in so many ways. Is that it?

Maybe relieving the old days will satisfy whatever longing he has, and then it will leave forever. Would that be so bad, to let loose for one night?

Waruck feels a tap on his shoulder, and turns to see the orc girl from earlier; The one who sent him ‘the look’.

“Hey handsome, can I buy you a drink?”

Between the boosted bass of the music and the orc woman pressing up against him, Waruck doesn’t notice Simon slip away, giving him a pat on the back.

Leave, say no, tell her she’s got the wrong guy, you fucking idiot. His consciousness yells.

“U-uh, sure.” He stutters.

She introduces herself as Naz and says she noticed him the minute he walked in.

“Hard not to notice the best-dressed guy in the room.” She flirts, pressing herself closer and up against him.

He has a thousand little moments like that, to say something; To pull back and apologize, but he doesn’t.

Instead, he slips into a corner booth with her, purposely ignoring the texts you send to check up on him. You had remembered that he wasn’t sure how much fun this night would be, and routinely checked in if he needed a convenient excuse to leave early. You’re sweet like that.

Naz is sweet too. She's a great conversationalist, with a good head on her shoulders and an interesting career in zoology. Waruck could see the two of you being good friends.

Is that why she seems so alluring? Because she’s so similar to you? Waruck’s mind does mental gymnastics to try and justify his hesitance, his compliance in believing that maybe she has something different after all, even though he knows that isn’t true.

The two of them talk for a solid hour and a half, Naz slowly inching herself closer and putting a hand on his knee. His body screams in resistance, his stomach tying up into knots, but he doesn’t push her away.

“So, I’ve got a room not too far from here. What do you say we go make ourselves a bit more comfortable?”

This is his final chance to find an excuse and say goodnight. To run back home and forget this ever happened. But the words are caught in his throat and he’s further silenced by the nearby whooping of his asshole friends.

“Yeah, Waruck! Get some!”

Naz chuckles and mistakenly reads his seething anger at himself with embarrassment for his friends. She leans in, grabbing his jaw, and whispers.

“Let's give them a show, huh?” Then, she kisses him.

The noises of the bar, his friends, and Naz all drown away as her lips mold into his. Waruck’s body goes rigid, terrified as time seems to freeze as he kisses someone who is not his girlfriend.

But all of that stops when your ringtone begins to blast in his pocket. It should be near silent when compared to the pounding bar music, but that familiar jingle seems to cut deep into his skin and skewer his heart. Waruck pulls away with a quick jerk, Naz almost falling over as he pushes himself into his seat and away from her body-heat. Every nerve is a light with tension as he quickly pulls out his phone.

There on the screen is a picture of you, your contact name, “Sweetie❤️”, shining through the dimmed light of that bar. Waruck breathes heavily, feeling like he’s just run an emotional marathon, stuck in his own head until Naz slides away from him.

“Wait, hold on, do you have a girlfriend?”

Waruck looks at her, then looks at his still-ringing phone, then back to Naz. He nods.

Naz's face curls up into obvious disgust, quickly directing her body to be as far away from him as possible. “Fucking hell, dude. What the fuck?” She grabs her handbag and stomps out of the booth, not before throwing her drink in his face and telling him to go to hell.

He almost watches her move across the bar, most likely to go complain to her friends about the asshole she just wasted the last 2 hours chatting up, but all he can focus on is your picture on his phone.

--------

Waruck practically runs out of the bar, his whole body covered in sweat and his mind racing a mile a minute.

What the hell was wrong with him?

He felt like a 15 year old, goaded into another shitty prank just because he wanted to look cool in front of his friends, buying into their weird bullshit about humans. Was he seriously going to throw away your wonderful relationship over one night, over one urge?

Naz had been strikingly beautiful, in all the ways he was taught an orc like himself should look for. She could probably get any guy in that club tonight, but she wasn’t you. You’re different, but in so many cool, inconsequential, uniquely-you ways.

Waruck doesn’t know how long he walks before he sits down outside a cafe, trying to collect his racing emotions. He feels gross, sticky with the kind of sweat you only get after too much alcohol and too many people. The screen of his phone seems to reflect every smudge and finger-print as he swipes it to unlock it, finally getting the courage to read your text messages.

They start off normal, spread out over several hours. The occasional “How are the guys?” and “Hope you are having fun! Just let me know when you get home safe.” before dropping off into nothing. Right up until 20 minutes ago, where you send a short and curt text that has his heart dropping to his stomach.

Sweetie❤️: Can you call me right now?

Sweetie❤️: Waruck, I need to talk to you

Sweetie❤️: Are you still at the bar?

After that is a notification of your missed call from earlier and Waruck can’t help but feel  guilt stir in his gut.

It could be nothing, something unrelated to what he almost did tonight. But the notification he gets from his Instagram says otherwise. It says a mutual of his tagged him in a photo 30 minutes ago.

Waruck feels like vomiting when he opens up Simon’s story and sees a shaky picture of Naz, draped over him in the corner booth, with him looking all too happy to have her there. The caption reads

“At least someone’s getting lucky tonight 🤣🤣 #BoysNight20XX”

But what comes next is even worse; An even blurrier photo of Naz kissing him, both of their eyes closed as she almost sits in his lap.

Waruck can’t even look at the caption, quickly exiting out of the app and calling you.

He needs to explain himself.

But what will he say?

The phone rings, rings, rings….

Waruck waits with bated breath, thinking you’re going to let it go to voicemail, but you answer. There is no cheerful “Hi Babe” or even a tired and drawn-out “Hey.” Instead all Waruck hears is a shaky sigh, waiting for an explanation.

The words stay caught in Warucks throat, trying to find a way to maneuver and swing around to a solid excuse, a lie he hopes you won’t catch.

But he can’t, he can’t. Not to you.

So you make it easy for him, like you always do, and start the conversation off instead.

“Were you flirting with that girl?”

Waruck’s mind doesn’t give him a choice, the truth already spilling out like a tidal wave.

“Yes.”

Waruck hears you suck in a breath, before you shakily ask once more,

“Did you kiss her? Did you kiss her back?”

“Yes.”

There's 15 seconds of brutal silence as Waruck sits with his confession. In the moment, Waruck feels like he can hear your pounding heartbeat through the receiver.

You hang up.

---------

You hate the weather outside for two reasons.

One: You had far too much rum last night to enjoy any amount of sunlight. And,

Two: On a terrible morning like this one, it feels unfair that there aren't any dramatic thunder storms.

The bell rings on the cafe door as you walk in, causing you to wince as you pull down your sunglasses.

Thank god for the low lighting of these cafes.

You rub your brow, eyes scanning the menu above the bar. Some caffeine should do you good, at least with your headache.

But when you spot him, tucked away at a table, tapping his foot, all that aching pain seems to fall to your subconscious. Before you can meet eyes, you look away, forcing yourself to re-read the menu and blink away your tears.

You face the inevitable when you put in your order, turning to walk towards Waruck. He’s locked his gaze into the wood grain of the table, his large body hunched up and small, like he wants to sink into the shadows. He looks like shit, with large bags under his eyes and a nervous tension in his face.

He startles when you pull out a chair, sitting down across from him, but quickly curls back into his ball of shame. He looks so guilty, a small part of you wants to comfort him and tell him it’ll be alright.

You punch away that part of you with a baseball bat.

“Why did you flirt with her?”

Waruck says nothing. He looks at you with his tired eyes, big and racked with guilt.

I don’t know. They whisper.

Your fingers dig into your jeans, anger boiling up and through your nerves.

That’s not a good enough answer.

“Were you,” You suck in a breath, trying to control your volume, “Were you going to sleep with her? If I hadn’t called you, would you have-”

“No!” Waruck nearly shouts, shaking the table as his knees bang against the bottom, but he recoils once he sees the way you flinch. “No, I wasn’t going to.”

Those pesky tears press against your eyelids once more. You can feel your nails digging indents into your thighs.

“I don’t know if  I can believe that.” You whisper, failing to catch the crack in your voice.

Waruck’s brow furrows as he nervously chews his bottom lip. He tries to meet your gaze, but you seem to look right through him.

“I know.” Waruck sighs, bringing his hand up to rub the back of his neck.

There's a tenuous silence; Waruck tries to find the words to fix things  while you focus on the details of the cafe walls, examining every nook and cranny as you try not to sob.

“I-I understand if you don’t trust me. I understand if you hate me, or you want to break up. But please, please know that I love you, and that I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I’ve been kicking myself over flirting with that girl because I love you so fucking much. I-”

You hold up your hand, stopping Waruck in his tracks. He realizes how loud he’s been talking and that people are beginning to stare. He huddles back into his corner, tucking his hands into his lap. You let out a long breath. Waruck takes the risk and looks up.

When his eyes finally meet yours, he realizes just how sad you look. A treacherous tear has begun falling down your cheek, sending a lightning bolt of remorse into Waruck’s chest.

You take in another deep breath, wiping away the tear with the back of your hand. You look at Waruck, exhausted.

“I don’t,”  You falter, but catch yourself, “I don’t want to break up with you. I just don’t know if I’m ready to forgive you yet.”

Waruck nods, fiddling with his fingers.

“Of course, I get it-”

“I’m not done.” Waruck quickly shuts his mouth. “You hurt me, Waruck. Hurt me in a way I don’t think I’ll ever forget. So I need time. Time before I can even see you again without thinking,” You hiccup, but this time you let the wave of emotion hit you, full force.  “Without thinking about that night.”

A lady calls out your order, but neither of you makes a move. You sit in each other's presence, trying to wrap yourselves around the mess of emotions, trying to read the others mind without seeming too obvious.

You both sit here, in the presence of something that's been broken, damaged in a way that’s cut the heart of your chest and slams them on the table. There’s a crack that runs down between you two, inching open more and more with each breath.

But somehow, somehow, you both think you have a chance of fixing it.

[hawthxrnerps]

{So, this is a wanted plots post, I’ll probably add to it over time but here is some stuff I’d like for most if not all muses}:

Primary:

Robert:

 A polyamory plot involving Robert and Gabriel, these two have been friends for well over twenty years and they often meet and share drinks and talks. Gabriel is Robert’s closest friend and if he was going to share a lover with anyone, it’d be him. Maybe they’re a Prince or other royal from another Kingdom that just happened to be sent over during one of Gabriel’s visits to Robert, and the three are sat on Roberts balcony or in the castle gardens talking and sharing drinks before things take a heated turn. Maybe it’s from a joke about Robert’s retirement from being a King and people calling him old. 

Eurion:

Always used to getting what he wants, Eurion found himself enamoured with someone that it might not be socially ‘acceptable’ for him to want. Maybe they’re a thief, assassin, or some kind of supernatural creature like werewolf or what not. Some things have been said between them here and there but nothing had happened until Eurion finds his way into their chambers and waits naked for their return. 

Jinse:

Being the new King is a hard job for Jinse, and he’d caused some ruckus among the court due to switching out and around all of his Father’s advisers and other people he employed for people of his own choosing instead of just dealing with what was left for him. Among them is a fellow noble and the pair have been sleeping together on the side for some time, but then said noble approaches Jinse with an idea, they wed. They marry and Jinse won’t be constantly hounded by offers of marriage from people he doesn’t know. Maybe it’s an open marriage, with the two sleeping with each other and sometimes other people, sometimes even sharing the same person or people. 

Rok:

Rok is a rare half-elf that doesn’t feel welcome among humans or elves, so he found a new place to call him in the way of always being on the move and never settling down. But maybe along the way he had recruited someone who wanted to help him hunt monsters and save villages? This person can be non-human or whatever. But things had turned steamy between the pair one night at a camp fire while they had finished bathing in a lake. Rok is a power bottom to the core, so a sub-top for him.        

Garrot:

A new warrior, or mage, joined the mercenary troop and Garrot finds himself interested in things they can do...in many ways of the word. The spark is quick and fast between the pair, and it soon becomes a partnership of them leading the mercenary troop together, each offering advice that maybe the other couldn’t. 

Franchis:

   A mage with a thing for non-humans, maybe Franchis becomes entangled with a werewolf, or orc, or anything creature like. Two options: Maybe they’re also a mage and they can bond over spells and books, or they’re a typical warrior and the pair make a deadly fighting duo who fuck a lot. 

Aarush:

Only valuing strength, Aarush likes it when people can prove themselves in any way of the word. Maybe someone comes to Sunwalker isle, wanting to be a part of the famous warriors that defeated a Demon King and they must prove themselves to the general. The two spar, with them being possibly evenly matched, Aarush accepts them then eventually approaches them in their chamber. He offered them a proposition, which they are free to ignore. He very much enjoyed their training and expresses his desire to fuck them. 

Gale:

 Threesome. Greedy pirate captain brings either two whores or just two younger men who seek travel on his ship, they’re called to the Captain’s quarters and Gale offers them a chance. If they want to, they can let him fuck them and they can stay in the captain’s quarters, or they can return back below deck with the rest of the crew and its never brought up again. 

Dorrian:

Feeling stuck with being unable to master a specific spell, he seeks out other highly trained mages for advice. But being a Necromancer, he’s often turned away or insulted, when he meets someone else who offers to share their knowledge. Feelings grow and a kiss is shared over a dusty old book. 

Uruk:

An envoy sent to the Orc settlement, Uruk welcomes them with open arms and offers to try and make their stay as pleasant as possible. Then later that day, this person approaches Uruk while he is bathing and things happen from there. 

Fletcher + Nathaniel:

Polyamory, Fletcher and Nathaniel always worked closely together for many years now, the two do almost everything together. Including men, maybe a strapping strong knight, or smart mage comes to Faelignum for a visit and is seduced by the Fae King and Prince. They would have to be vers, since fletcher is a bottom and Nathaniel is vers. 

Bader:

Someone from his old life finally figured out where ‘Coster’ had went, Coster was his alias when he was living among the humans as a petty thief before being called to return and take over the Throne of the Night Folk. Maybe they had started a relationship, only for Bader to vanish and return to his ‘real life’. They track him down and want answers, but the spark hasn’t fizzled out, they seek to repair their relationship and want to find out who he really is. 

Riel:

Riel is against arranged marriage, constantly turning down suitors and omega’s who wish to marry the Werewolf King. When a muse is sent to try and entice him, he falls for the bait, but still refuses marriage. He says he would like to be with them, but on their own terms and not what others want for them. 

Laurence:

An omega wolf who is loyal to King Riel, most of his time is spent around the castle. But he’s more than just the hand of the king, he’s the personal assassin and executioner of Riel. Always keeping things a secret from others, Laurence’s love life is shrouded in mystery. Perhaps he has has been spending time with someone in secret, meeting in discreet locations or maybe they’re an outsider to the Kingdom. 

Garland:

A shape-shifter who is more often than not, scared for his life. Upon being ambushed by bandits he is rescued by someone and taken in, they think he is just a simple peasant who was injured but he becomes attached to their company and eventually reveals the truth. But they accept him and they live together, maybe out in the woods, peacefully where no one can hear them fuck. 

Kharron:

Alone after being revived from the dead a few hundred years after his death, he feels lost. But then he surprisingly encounters an old flame, not realising at the time they were an immortal of sorts, he stays with them to try and ease into this world he knows nothing about. The flame is rekindled. 

Maxwell:

He’s a young, bratty novice mage who loves to be spanked and fucked roughly. Maybe he gets his wish when he’s sent as a messenger to a foreign Kingdom, where he catches the eye of either a King, Knight, royal or noble and they indulge in his fantasy's. 

Szu-Ku:

An arranged marriage, someone is sent to Dynasty Kingdom as a political envoy and they get along well with Szu-Ku. They slept together a few times and they become a confidant of the King, then they propose the offer to Szu-Ku. The pair get married and they can secure / bring in larger amounts of funds from their home kingdom to help with the rebuilding effort. Szu-Ku agrees. 

Secondary:

Paul Rovia / Jesus:

Surviving is hard, and even harder doing it alone. Someone is brought into the group after being found, and there is an instant connection between the two. Why waste time and hide it when you could die at any time?

Dr.Thorn:

Leading a supervillain team is hard, as well as being the CEO of Falcon Industries. While using his real name, Marcus, he hired a new assistant who seems very eager to please their new boss. 

Tyler:

Goofing around during guard duty, Tyler just loves to spend his time with his face in the pillow and getting fucked. Maybe it’s someone who indulges him repeatedly. 

Chameleon:

Being a cameraman during the day, using it as a cover to hide his super powers, he gets hired by someone who is doing a one man ‘show’ and Clancy finds himself a little too distracted. Eventually the person notices, and finding Clancy attractive, invites him to make it a ‘proper show’.   

Axel:

Before the end of the world, they were dating. But then everything went to shit, zombies everywhere and you didn’t know who was dead or not. But then by absolute chance, they encounter each other again. Maybe assuming one is an intruder, they meet again with their guns pointed at one each other before they recognise the other person. 

Steven:

A twink top who likes to fuck daddy bottoms, it can be anything from his friend’s dad, to the hot guy next door or his attractive professor. 

Rick:

When Rick became separated from his group for a few days, he encountered someone else. They stick together, having to share warmth or something for a night and then one night it turns into something more. A kiss, then the offer to help each other forget the hell-hole world they’re in. Rick brings them back to Alexandria and they continue what they had. 

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “Nest.”

Finally guys, some fluff! Based on some comments made by @beckitty and @digitalmagpie on Compromised Earth.  I was inspired by the idea and thought it would be fun to write, and would totally make sense, so. I hope I did the idea credit.

Enjoy the fluff, and thank you all for reading.

Sunny was mad.

Sunny was also worried, but that was mostly overshadowed by just how pissed she was. Adam was being an idiot, the biggest idiot, the king of the idiots. If he kept this up any longer he was going to upgrade himself to the god of all idiots, and it seemed like it was up to her to get something done.

Adam was in a bad way.

He could be fine, she thought, if he was given the time he needed to rest and recuperate. He was exhausted, and short twenty minute naps were going to do nothing to help that exhaustion. She knew enough from Krill to know that the human body required sleep to recover from injuries, and the Steel Eye armor had practically destroyed his body. There was muscle strain, extreme inflammation, the overdose, internal damage, nerve damage, stress fractures etc. etc, and despite all that he was still answering the call of the UNSC.

The stress of his job, and his inability to say no to other people and their needs was going to kill him. He felt obligated, by his job to make sure that everything went well, he assumed because of who he was that he was in charge of protecting earth, even the entire universe if he had to. He was taking on weight that he was not obligated to take on.

Even the UNSC was well aware of how sick he was, and despite taking his help, they seemed concerned about him, and she had no doubt they would be ok if he decided to take time off to recover. There were other men and women in the universe who would be willing to take on the weight he was trying to bare.

Yet he wouldn't listen to her.

Sitting on his chair in the UNSC command room, fighting back sleep, and no ability to walk, he was running himself into the ground.

She needed to find someone who could rein him in.

And she thought she had just the idea.

She left him, though she didn’t want to and made a quick call before walking into the room and quietly whispering to some of the Admirals standing off to one side of the room during break.

“I will not be accepting no, but I thought you should be aware.”

They looked at her and nodded, “We can take it from here.”

“Thank you. I hope you understand that this isn’t a reflection on him.”

“The reflection on him has to do with the fact that he refuses to leave. Do what you have to.”

She nodded turning and walking over to where Adam was sitting slumped in his chair half asleep pale as a ghost. He had insisted the IV be removed so he wouldn't be so distracting. She had argued, he had been stubborn

She walked over putting her arms around him and hauling him to his feet. His head lifted in exhaustion bright green eyes glazed over with exhaustion,”Sunny?”

“Just relax. We are going to go get you some sun during the break.”

He was too tired to be sceptical, and just walked with her.

She could feel his feet dragging, and occasionally his legs would give out under him, but she wrapped one arm around his waist and the other arm around his chest to hold him upright until they finally made it outside to the front of the building. In comparison to the inside, where the lights were dark and the mood was darker, the day was bright and warm. The sky overhead was blue and the ground before them was lush and green. Overhead the sun was warm and bright.

An automated lawn mower was roaring in the distance filling the air with the sound of freshly cut grass.

It made sunny mouth water.

She let Adam sink onto the curb, his head in his hands and lifted her head looking this way and that for signs of life, for the people she was expecting. She heard them before she saw them, the screeching of rubber on pavement, a sound that wasn’t exactly common in a world where everything could hover.

Sunny turned her head and watched as the ancient, four door pickup roared around the corner and skidded through the parking lot. Sunny could feel the aggression spilling off the thing in waves, and when it gunned towards her, she almost worried that she was destined to be roadkill.

However, the tires came to a screeching stop just before them.

Adam lifted his exhausted head and blinked eyes focusing blearily on the front of the car, and as soon as he did, his eyes widened.

Sunny peered through the front windshield where a small, blond- hair woman in a red flannel was hunched behind the steering wheel eyes narrowed face contorted into a predatory snarl that made sunny think twice about having made that call. In the seat just next to her, a greying human male was white knuckling the crash handles.

A door was thrown open and then slammed shut.

“Mom?” 

Martha Vir stormed around the front of the ancient truck, whose engine popped and rattled as it cooled down.

The look of anger fled from her face at one moment, to one of concern as she knelt on the curb looking over her son with piercing blue eyes wild with concern. Mr. vir wobbled stiffly from the cab of the truck forced to pry his hand from the crash handle.

“Mom… what are you doing here?” Adam said in confusion as she tiled his head this way and that, pressing her hand against his forehead, grabbing his hand to examine the inflamed wounds still evident from the steel eye implantation.

It was clear by her expression that she knew exactly what had caused those scars. 

“What-did-they-do. They made you wear the suit again! I swear to the lord above I am going to kill every last-”

“Mom!” his voice was weak, “No one made me put it back on….. I…. asked them to.”

She stared at him in confusion, “What?” “I had no other choice.” His voice quivered a little though he tried to choke it down. Clear evidence that humans were more likely to drop their guard in front of a caregiver, no matter how long past.

She rested her hand on his cheek, “But why… Adam….” 

“It’s what I had to do.”

“And the drugs….”

All was silent for a moment, and he lowered his head.

The stormy expression on her face grew thunderous. 

“I’m sorry…. I couldn’t…. Take the pain.” 

Sunny was surprised to see she didn’t even look mad. Instead she hugged him holding him to her chest his head resting on her shoulder for a long moment. Jim came to sit next to them one hand resting on his son’s back.

“It’s alright, we’re here to take you home.”

He lifted his head, “Home, no, I can’t I have….”

“I don’t care what you have. You aren't in any kind of shape to be doing any kind of work.”

“But mom the burg could attack earth at any-”

“I don’t care if the burg is attacking,I don’t care who is coming. I don’t care if it’s the rapture, and Jesus is descending from the sky on a chariot of fire, you are coming home.”

“But-”

“Adam you are not the only thing standing between earth and eminent destruction, now argue with me again…. I dare you.”

Sunny had never experienced such intense eye contact in all her life. And she thought her own mother had had a mean glare. As soon as Adam made eye contact with his mother, it was over, Sunny saw the fight drain out of him and he simply nodded his head.

He glanced over at sunny, “You called them didn’t you.”

Sunny lifted her head, “I did.”

“Why?”

“Because you won’t listen to me, but I knew who you would listen to.” 

His father leaned down, and with one strong calloused hand, he helped Adam to his feet, “Come on Kid, let's get you home before your mother levels the UNSC.” He chuckled, “Thought she was going to drive the truck through the front door.” Adam snorted, too tired and weak to actually laugh.

His legs gave out before he made it to the car. His parents caught him, doing their best to hold him up.

Sunny intervened, lifting him easily off the ground and into the back of the truck, she then followed after allowing him to rest his head on her leg as he lay across the back seat.

Jim and Martha got back into the truck, Martha grudgingly allowing her husband to drive. 

After a moment she reached a hand back holding a water bottle out to adam.

“Drink, this better be done by the time we get home.”

“But-”

“Drink your water!”

He shut up, finishing the water in a few minutes. It wasn’t a second later that the water bottle clattered to the floor, and Adam was out. Sunny sat in somewhat awkward silence as they drove down the highway.

Jim glanced at her in the rear view mirror, “You alright, Sunny.”

“Yes, sir. 

“Enough leg room?”

“Yes sir, just fine, sir.”

“My name is Jim, Kid, you can use it.” 

Er, “Of course, Jim.”

After another few minutes of awkward silence, Martha turned around in her seat to look at sunny, “What happened?”

Sunny wasn’t entirely sure what she was and was not allowed to tell them, but she didn’t want to find out what would happen if she didn’t, “The Burg declared war on the GA, and then proceeded to attack the Gromm homeworld for the warp codes that would give them access to the rest of the GA. They landed on the planet and were dug in inside an energy field with a plan to attack and charge our line within a day. Adam and his advisors determined the best course of action would be to attack them first and detonate their ship’s engine. Adam made a call…. I had no idea what he was doing. Both Krill and I tried to stop him when we figured it out, but he made it clear that he would find someone else if we didn’t do it. He….. he wasn’t doing so well, but he began the battle without any drugs….. Halfway through…. Well he just couldn’t handle it. He took them, and we finished, but he overdosed. Krill saved his life, but, he just hasn’t slowed down since. I can’t get him to, no one can…. So that’s when I called you.”

She stared up at martha worried that she would be blamed for not stopping Adam.

It seemed as if it might tilt in that direction, but Jim piped up, “Thank you for taking care of him, Sunny. Adam…. He’s always been stubborn. A weird mix of stubborn and not being able to say no.”

They turned off the highway and cut through the suburbs finally pulling up to the familiar house under the unassuming blue sky.

Sunny stepped out pulling Adam with her, who only partially woke up.

She carried him to the door and into the house following Martha back to a guest bedroom,where she set his hat on the nightstand, and woke him up long enough to get him to kick off his shoes and pull off his uniform jacket.

Then and only then was he finally allowed to lay down. Sunny wasn’t sure if he was even awake for the following few minutes where, like a mother bird, the human proceeded to construct a nest out of pillows and other soft things. He had a pillow under his head, and a pillow under his legs, and if that wasn’t enough, he was then surrounded on all sides by pillows. That done, she took a moment to check the sounds left by the Steel eye armor, cleaning a few of them up and bandaging over with clean gauze. She lay a hand on his forehead checking for fever, and by extension, and infection.

He shifted in his sleep.

She then went hunting through a closet which was hoarded at least two dozen more blankets. 

She left the window open allowing the warm sunlight and cool air to breeze into the room, covering his legs with the blanket, but leaving his arms and chest exposed to the warm sunlight.

Finally done, She then ushered Sunny out of the room, leaving the door cracked slightly, where it could be seen from down the hall in the kitchen. Sunny stood awkwardly in the living room for a time her back facing the window where sunlight was beaming through onto the floor. Dust moats churned and rolled in the sunlight.

Martha sat at the table while Jim stepped outside to get some work done.

Sunny shuffled her feet awkwardly before.

“Thank you for…. Coming so quickly.”

Martha looked up at her, her bright blue human eyes cutting and cold.

“I would do anything for my kids.”

Sunny shifted her feet and looked down quietly and before realizing what she was saying, “I wish my mother had been more like you.”

There was silence.

Martha worked her jaw for a second before curiosity got the better of her, “Are…. Drev mothers not protective of their children?”

Sunny shook her head, “No…. not at all…. Just not…. Mine.”

“Oh…. I’m sorry…. What…. Happened?”

Sunny looked away and shrugged, “Oh I was a disgrace. A crippled abomination that should have been tossed into the fire at birth.”

Martha stared at her, “Don’t you think that’s a bit exaggerated.”

Sunny turned to look at her, “No… That’s what happens if you are born crippled. You are tossed into the fire.” 

Martha stared at her mouth open, “They what!.... But how…. Why… why would anyone do anything like that….. And you. You look fine.”

Sunny turned to look out the window, “My mother was a great general. She won land in all directions of the compass, but after my brother, she was never able to produce another child…. It is very important in Drev culture to be able to produce kits.” She turned to look at martha, “Drev mothers give birth near the mouths of volcanos, and if the kit doesn’t hold up to standard they are thrown into the fire for their spirits to be recycled. My mother was…. Unable to get rid of me…. I am very small. I think she hated me because I was a symbol of her weakness, and she just couldn’t handle that.”

Martha had gone very quiet staring on at Sunny in surprise and….  a hint of something else in her bright blue eyes.

“I tried for her to be the best warrior I could. But in truth, I am not talented in battle. When the Drev war came, I thought I could win her love through valor, though I should have known better by then.” She looked at Martha feeling a horrible clenching feeling rising up in her chest and stomach, “What I did to Adam…. It isn’t excused by any means, but at least now you know why I did what I did.’ She looked down at her hands, “But instead of winning my mother’s love, she blamed me for my father’s death.”

“Your father…. Died during the war?”

“Yes, he was killed by a Steel-eye soldier during the last push.” She raised a hand, “Don’t worry, my father died an honorable death in battle…. I was happy for him. Once again my mother went against our customs and turned her sights on revenge.” Sunny siged taking a seat at the table resting her hands together atop the polished surface clasped lightly together.

As she sat a sudden touch of warmth on her hand made her look up.

Martha Vir had a hand over hers and was looking at her with an expression Sunny had not seen on the human’s face before.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.”

“No, it’s not. No one deserves to be treated like that.”

Sunny chirped half heartedly, “It’s past me now. “She glanced towards the door, “Besides, I have people who care about me now, and they make it pretty clear that I am worth far more than what my mother said.”

There was another silence. The distant sound of laughter reached them from outside, “I am sorry, for the way I treated you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Sunny chirped again, “I hurt your son, you would have to be crazy to trust me, or even like me all that much.” “Still, I should have been willing to trust his judgement…. He’s my youngest, and sometimes I forget he’s his own man.” She laughed, “Every time I picture him he’s still eight years old.”

“Are you sure he isn't” 

The two of them laughed.

The door creaked open just then, and Jim stepped into the house a handful of dandelions in one hand. He seemed surprised to find the two of them laughing with each  other, but just as pleased, “What did I miss.”

Martha smiled, “Nothing important. What do you have there?”

“Well, I was just getting rid of these from the lawn, and I was going to throw them away, but.” He glanced at sunny sheepishly, “I thought I heard Adam mention that you liked eating them, so…. I bought them inside instead. Forgive me for overstepping or mishearing.”

Sunny perked up a bit at the sight of the little yellow weed, “You heard him right.”

Jim looked relieved, handing Sunny the flowers and coming down to sit  at the table. Sunny munched on the flower rather happily. 

“Please eat them all. I hate those little yellow bastards.”

Martha looked over at Sunny, “Adam ever taught you how to play cards?”

Sunny shook her head, “I’ve seen him play, but we usually do other things.”

“Might as well do something while we pass the time.” Jim reached out to open a drawer revealing a few decks of cards. “Prism, turn on the sports channel.”

A blue light flashed around the upper edge of the ceiling, and a projection bloomed to life at the center of the room.

Martha began manipulating the cards between her hands adding a pleasant shuffling sound to the air.

Sunny growled at the screen.

“What, you don’t like the Strikers?”

“No, their coach is a D bag and Marcos can’t throw to save his life.”

Jim laughed, “Finally someone who gets it. Only Jeremy was ever into football, but they’re his favorite team.”

“Schmuck.”

“That’s what I said.”

Sunny chirped happily, and Jim laughed.

[saelwen]

Thranduil x Modern!Reader

Thranduil x Modern!Reader

Part1 / Part2

Summary: The reader was driving on the way back to her house, after a long day of work. Eager to just to jump on her comfy bed and sleep for the rest of her life but the universe had other things on mind

Warnings:None only some curses and a little make out

Words: 2k

Humming the song that was playing on the car radio, trotting my fingers on the steering wheel. I was driving back home, after a long day of work. I work on a small cozy bookshop in the Town, it was from my grandpa. I work there since my teenage years, helping him with the shop. The shop was one of my happy places, since a kid I was in love with books. How they could tell old tales and adventures. It's always so fascinating to me.

As I passed a long dark road, the lamps are always without light here, that was surrounded by dense trees. A tall figure jumps in front of the car, making me turn to the side violently.

I stop the car and got out quickly. Panic spreading through my body, what the hell was that? Walking to the road, I turn on the flashlight on my phone, trying to see what it was. Suddenly I heard a groan, turning the flashlight to where the sound came. Standing there was tall strangely looking man, he was wearing a silver armor, detailed with some kind of celtic drawings, looking like some kind of cosplay, maybe? His hair was long and soft with a shade of silver blond, I point the flashlight to his face and saw the most beautiful eyes I ever seen. They were ocean blue, that was full of years of life experience.  

I gasp when I notice blood running down his forehead and on his stomach. Running to him, I fall down on my knees “OMG! Are you alright?” I said worried. He lifts his head with all his strength, fixing his eyes on mine “Help me.....” he whisper, closing his eyes slowly. Shit! I slap his face “Hey! It's okay....Don’t close your eyes!” I grab him by the arms and drag him to my car. Jesus..his heavy! I succeeded putting him inside the car, next I jump to my sit and start driving to the nearest hospital. Why this stuff happens to me? I just wanted to get home, make some tea and relax, reading my new book.

When we arrive to the hospital, I got out the car quickly as I can and run inside “Please, help! A man in my car it’s injured!” with this, the nurses and a doctor run outside to car, putting the man on a stretcher. They take him to a room and begin observing him. I stay on the waiting room, rubbing my hand on my forehead. I hope he’s okay... I never seen someone like him, was that a cosplay? It didn’t look like it, his armor felt really and his eyes told some much stories.

After some time, a nurse went to me. I shot up from my seat “He’s okay?” I asked with a worry voice, she smiles “Yes, he is okay. He had some deep wounds on his stomach and a concussion but he’s okay now.” a sigh left my lips as I feel my body relax “Thank God!” she picks a note book and a pencil “If you don’t mind, could you tell me where did find him?” I nod and start telling her everything.

As I was about to finish my story, another nurse came running to us “Ma'am! Ahh.. the patient just woke up and don’t stop yelling for you. Do you mind come with me?” ahhh...What now?! I nod and start following the nurse. When I was close to his room, I could hear his yells and the doctors and nurses trying to calm him “WHERE AM I?! WHERE IS THE MAIDEN THAT SAVE ME? TAKE ME TO HER!!” “Please, Sir! Calm down! You are going to open your wounds again!” “HOW DARE YOU TALKING TO LIKE THAT?! I AM A KING!...LET GO OF ME, YOU MERE MORTAL!!” King? Mortal? Well he has hit his head really bad. I enter the room and saw a doctor trying to seize him up, the stranger man stops as he sees me, giving me a gorgeous smile “My Lady...” he whispers, I tilt my head to the side, confused by this event. The nurses left and the doctor went to me “He may be confused with all had happen to him. The concussion may had done something to his brain...but he had something I’ve never seen in my life, his ears are pointy...like an elf...” what?! Pointy ears? “It may be mutation of him...it may happen to some people but I will search better on this. If need something just press that button.” with that the doctor left the room, leaving me and the strange man alone. He was staring to the machines with a weird look, poking the tubes with his finger “What’s this? Some kind of sorcery?!”  I walk to his bed and sit on the chair that was beside it “Do you remember anything of what happen to you?” I ask him. He stops poking the tube and look to me “Yes...me and my army were ambushed by an army of orcs...i was the only one that survived...” okayyy....he may be crazy “All right....And what’s your name?”  he smiles and lift his head high “I am King Thranduil of Wood Land Realm. And what’s yours?” wait!...Thranduil?! Isn't that a name of a Tolkien’s character? Ohhh....Now everything makes sense. The armor, pointy ears, appearing of nowhere, strange talk...He is a FUCKING character from a book!! Thranduil looks to me, waiting for my answer “Ahhh...m..my name is Y/n...” he nods “What a beautiful name! I want to thank you for saving me, My Lady! The Woodland Realm is debt with you.” he starts standing up, pulling the needles from his arms. I run to him, trying to stop him “No! Don’t do that! You may hurt yourself.” he smirks “Don’t worry my lady! I don’t get hurt easly. Now, may you lead me to a horse? I need to get back to my Kingdom.” shit now what? He thinks that is still in Middle-Earth! One thing that he’s right, I need to get him out of here. If anyone knows that he from a book, it will be crazy. Cops will be involve and maybe the government, it will a chaos.

I take his hand and led him out of the room, to my car “Follow me! I will take you to my house.”. We get to the car with a bit difficulty since Thranduil was always stopping to point at some machine or weird clothes that people were wearing. I open the car door to him “Get in. Don’t worry, it’s safe.” he sits on the car and stay still, looking around him. I jump to the driver seat and turn on the car and start driving “WHAT KIND OF HORSE IS THIS?!” he said yelling, I chuckle a bit “It’s a car. It's a vehicle that take us whatever I want to go...I need to tell you something...You are from Middle.Earth right? Well you no longer there.” I look to my side, seeing a shocked Thranduil “I beg your pardon?...Where the hell am I then?” I start trotting my fingers nervously “Ahh...You are in a modern world...a world without elves, orcs...and gods.” he stays quiet the rest of the trip, shocked with all the things around him.

I stop the car in front my house, happy that I don’t have any neighbors. I get out of the car and wave to Thranduil to follow me “You have a beautiful home.” he said softly, we enter and I turn on the light “Thank you.”. Thranduil walks around my living room, inspecting everything that for him is strange. He stops by the Tv “What’s this black box?”  I pick the remote and turn on the Tv, as the Tv start playing, Thranduil jump a step back “BY ERU! WHAT’S THIS THING?...Why there is small people trap inside?” I giggle and explained what a Tv was. After I show him everything and explained how to work it, I led him to my guest room “This will be your room for now. Get some rest now.” as I was about to leave, he grabs my hand and kiss it “Good night, My Lady.” a blush start spreading on my cheeks. Now that I get a better look at him, I notice that he was gorgeous. His features were sharp and his body was muscular, like it was carved out by the Gods themselves. I smile and leave to my bedroom, eager to jump to my bed and sleep.

Days had pass and Thranduil learn almost everything about this world, I must say that I'm impressed how fast he learned. During the day, he would stay at home watching Tv as I was at work, his favorite show was Game of Thrones, he says that it reminds him of his home. Our relationship got pretty close, we shared some things in common, like reading books, nature, go for a ride....wine.  

One day I arrive from work, tired and hungry. As I walk inside, I saw the dinner tabled beautiful prepare with dinner, with a bottle of wine and some candles spread on the table “W..What’s all this?” I ask with a huge grin on my face. He went to me, grabbing my pack and jacket, putting them on a chair “A small thank you gift for have taken me in.” he says softly rubbing my cheek. God! This man couldn’t be better. During dinner, we shared some stories, he told me more about Middle-Earth and his kin. I would give my arm if that would send me to Middle-Earth. We start joking around, telling some funny stories and other things.

After dinner we went to my backyard, sitting on the grass and watch the stars “Thank you for the dinner. It was lovely.” I said to him, resting my hand on his “You are most welcome, Bein iel.(fair maiden) I wish to ask you something if I may?” I sit up and nod  “Yes of course.”  he sits up and look to my eyes “Since you found me, you were always kind to me. Never judging me even when I did some stupid things in your house. You showed me the beauty of this world....i have taken to like you...and I want to ask if you feel the same?” my body froze with his words. I always felt some kind of connection towards him but I always think that was just a silly crush. Now knowing that he feels the same, my feeling raised up at full force, making me feel butterflies on my stomach. Not knowing what to say, I grab him by the collar of his sweatshirt and pulling him down, crushing my lips to his. I heard him moan and felt his hand grabbing me by the waist, pulling me to his lap. He bites my lower lips making me let a small gasp which gave him the opportunity to push his tongue inside my mouth, exploring every corner.  

We break a part, catching our breaths. He rests his forehead on mine “I love you, Meleth nin.” I give him a huge smile, making my cheeks hurt “And I love you, My Elvenking.” and we stay like this for the rest of the night, cuddling together.

Hey Guys!! So...today I've dreamed that Thranduil was in my house (funny dream) so I did this story. Hope you guys like it!! Feel free to send request and comment.

XOXO

Taglist: @crazyonesarethebest​ @llama2264​ @tigereyesf​ @aeryntheofficial​ @yes-captainstark​ @lespaceboi​ @danri-and-thomas​ @burningcoffeetimetravel​ @icarus-fell-in-spring​ 

[lightandwinged]

ALSR, Chapter Four: Zealots

CHAPTER FOUR

Nazmir: Nathanos’ Perspective!

For the purposes of this liveblog, Nathanos Blightcaller will be played by Nathan Lane in voice, appearance, and demeanor. I am not accepting criticism at this time.

A patrol has spotted our favorite undead lapdog flying over Nazmir on a pterrordax, which does not like how fast he is urging it to fly, but Nathanos is of a mindset that fuck you, sky lizard, I’m not going to get caught today. He’s miffed that Apari didn’t notice the patrol heading their way (fair), and he’s not a fan of this merry chase through the jungle. He and Sira were accompanied on their field trip by a cavalcade of dark rangers, and he has a daring plan to bring their ship close to shore for some reason? idk. He muses that Sira is never happy, which like… DUH of course she isn’t dumbass, y’all blighted her and raised her as a corpse! No, she’s not fucking happy!

“He often found himself wondering if she was truly loyal to Sylvanas, or if her loyalty was simply to killing itself, and its way of distracting the mind, granting a heady if fleeting catharsis.” Nathanos, you are a dumbass.

Anyway, Nathanos’ plan was basically to have six sprillion dark rangers on the prow of the ship shoot the ever loving fuck out of the Zandalari chasing them, which works just fine! I mean, there are eight bodies to put out to sea, but who’s counting? Not Nathanos; he compliments the captain’s sailing as “adequate” and heads below deck. 

Sira doesn’t trust Apari, which is a fair point, but Nathanos is like “she’s pissed at Talanji and the Horde and that’s all I need,” and when Sira points out that hey, she’s WAY better at killing stuff than those dumb trolls, Nathanos points out that the trolls being so sloppy is an asset to them because, as you can see, they were never in Zandalar. Apari and her rebels are just going to assassinate the queen on their own terms and fuck with the Horde on their own terms. Which… begs the question of why Nathanos and Sira even came to Zandalar in the first place? 

But okay.

We cut to THE NECROPOLIS.

(wait, they have a necropolis now?)

Sira thinks she’d do better at Sylvanas’ side doing a bunch more killing, because she has “no taste for discretion, only carnage will satisfy now.” Nathanos thinks to himself that this is what being undead is all about, being unsatisfied

but begins talking about his plan to kill Bwonsamdi because he’s (a) powerful and (b) not on team Sylvanas. Sira is the one tasked with bringing about this godly death because she’s good at killing things, presumably including gods, but she doesn’t like it. Nathanos says, “we must save the world from itself, and that might require us to swallow the bitter with the sweet,” and I’m genuinely not clear on what everyone’s motivation is here. 

Like, I know what Sylvanas is doing. She’s got some funky deal with the Jailer and death and presumably keeping herself from the oblivion she saw when she tried to kill herself after Arthas died (which is a great short story, and I very strongly recommend it), but I’m genuinely baffled at what her minions think they’re doing. 

Okay, yeah, no, I just watched the trailer for like the fiftieth time to see if there’s any real… logic to it? And nope, just “this world is a prison, and I will set us all free,” while Bolvar’s sitting there like, “ma’am, this is a Wendy’s drive-thru.”

Anyway, Sira’s like “if the Alliance and Horde find Sylvanas, she’s toast,” which Nathanos finds cute, because everyone is infighting now, which is probably what Sylvanas wanted on some level, I guess? Like I don’t think she really provoked 99% of the infighting beyond just being like “whoops, teehee, war time!” because most of it is just the nature of the beast (the Horde, which was always just three orcs in a trench coat pretending to be a faction) or the indelicate handling of a situation by an untested leader (bless your heart, Anduin). But sure, whatever. 

The argument seems to sway Sira who heads out to kill a god because he “is a menace and knows too much. Once he is dead and the Dark Lady’s plans are in motion, there will be no more pain. We will be free of the cruelties of this world.” But like… has it been established that they can’t just kill themselves? Are we going to get some solid insight into what happens to undead souls when they die? Are they super duper damned or do they just have to get exalted rep with one of the new factions before they can relax? Also, does everyone have to align with a faction? What if you’re a baker or that lady in Stormwind who gets well water? Do they, too, have to decide between Dracula, Frankenstein, fairies, and Robot Jesus?

(I really need a beta invite)

So Sira heads out, being like “sure, I’ll do this for you, but the second it stops giving me my recommended daily amount of vitamin KILL, I’m outie.” And Nathanos gets all shivery thinking about how hot Sylvanas is and how he won’t fail her in particular. Before he can have a good ol’ zombie wank, though, a Kaldorei dark ranger named Visrynn comes in, reporting back what we know about Talanji after the assassination attempt. Nathanos is super bummed that she’s not dead but tells Visrynn to start spreading rumors that the Horde were the ones that tried to off her. And he really wants Talanji dead because, in his words, she “[turned] her back on the Banshee Queen.”

Which, yeah, duh, of course she did. Ugh, zealots.

[hunnywrites]

Arcade Dreams: Chapter Five

Summary: There’s a new girl working at the Palace Arcade and Hawkins’ Family Video. Billy can’t stand her, and the feeling is mutual. No matter what everyone else seems to think.

Pairing: Billy Hargrove/OFC

It was Teddi’s first day off from the pool. She still had her shift later on at the arcade and video store, but unfortunately not much else to do to pass the time. Her dad was off at work, so she could technically spend her day at home, but Teddi didn’t really feel like awkwardly sitting around the house while she and her mother tried to avoid each other. 

Instead she decided to drive into town. There was this coffee shop in the town square that kids from school liked to hang out at when there wasn’t much else to do. She figured since her usual spot at the lake would be a little too cold to sit at and read, she’d settle for sitting in the corner of the shop with some hot chocolate and her book. There were a few kids she recognized. She said her hellos and settled in with her very well loved copy of The Fellowship of the Ring and walkman. There was this mixtape that she had made for herself (she was well aware that that was pathetic) of a few of her favorite songs; the first being Don’t You Want Me by the Human League. 

It may not have looked like it to anyone else, but Teddi loved having time off. It was rare, she made sure of that, but she relished the time she had to shut out the rest of the world and disappear to one where the only problems were magical rings, dragons and orcs. Maybe it was childish of her. She didn’t really care. She was more than happy to trade in her life for the few moments of fantasy. 

But of course, all good things must come to an end. Teddi’s headphones were yanked from her head. “What the hell?” she snapped. She looked up at the culprit, groaning loudly and throwing her head back once her eyes landed on Billy, who was holding her headphones up with a wide grin. “Leave me alone, Hargrove.” she moaned, pressing the palms of her hands to her eyes. 

“Now that’s not very nice. Whatcha listening to?” he held up her headphones to her ears, his nose scrunching up in disapproval. “Figures you have shitty taste in music. Listening to this and thinking about me, Teddi?” he asked with a smug look. 

“If I ever think about you it’s about how badly I wish I could punch you in the head.” she said, snatching her headphones back. 

“Someone’s got her panties in a twist,” He snickered. Teddi let out an exasperated sigh as he grabbed the seat across from her, turned it around and straddled it. “You working later tonight?”

“What the hell do you care?”

He rolled his eyes. “You know, if you weren’t such a bitch you wouldn’t have to hang out by yourself all the time.” 

“That’s rich coming from you. The only person that’ll hang out around you is Tommy H, and everyone knows he’s only friends with you because you’re a new, shiny, popular kid,” she snapped. Billy’s jaw clenched. Instead of poking him further and dealing with his attitude, she sighed. “Yes, I’m working later.” 

This seemed to appease him, thankfully. “I need a favor.”

Teddi laughed. “You want a favor from me? No way.”

Billy rolled his eyes and leaned in closer. “You don’t even know what it is yet,” he argued. Teddi only crossed her arms. “My dad and Susan are making me watch Max tonight. But I have a date, and I’d much rather be in the backseat of my car with Cheryl Burns than watching the twerp.”

Teddi scoffed. “Cheryl Burns?”

“What’s wrong with Cheryl Burns?”

“Didn’t she have an affair with the gym teacher?”

“Allegedly.”

Teddi rolled her eyes. “So I guess you want me to keep an eye on Max while you bang Cheryl Burns?” Billy nodded. Teddi thought for a moment. That wouldn’t be a big deal for her. Watching Max and her friends practically came with her job anyways. But this was an opportunity to finally mess with Billy, and she wasn’t going to pass it up. “...What’s in it for me?” 

Billy didn’t bother to hide how annoyed he was. “What do you mean what’s in it for you? What do you want?” 

Teddi smiled sweetly, leaning in close to Billy. “I was thinking you and I could go to that Christmas party together? Maybe you could take me for a ride in that Camaro of yours?” she asked, batting her eyelashes. For once, Billy was actually speechless. His surprised expression morphed into a devilish grin, and Teddi let out a loud laugh. “I’m totally kidding. God, can you imagine?” she said waving a hand at him.

Billy only glared at her. This girl drove him crazy. One second she’s complimenting him, the next she’s telling him he’s satan incarnate. Now she was pretending to flirt with him? Chicks, man, he thought bitterly. He reached forward and snatched the book Teddi was holding away, ignoring her protests. He turned it over in his hands, studying the cover. “Jesus Christ, how old is this thing? It’s falling apart. And Lord of the Rings? You really are a geek, aren’t you, weird girl?”

“It’s a classic,” she said before snatching the book back. “And it’s my favorite. Have you ever even read a book before?” she asked with narrowed eyes. 

Billy thought for a moment. “...I read that one Stephen King book about the clown when I was a kid. You know, the one where the kids have a gang bang down in the clown sewer?” He was surprised when Teddi actually laughed. A genuine laugh. 

“That’s sure one way to describe it. Look, I’ll watch Max, okay? Happy?” 

“Oh, I’ll be a lot happier after a night with Cheryl,” he grinned. Teddi rolled her eyes. “I’ll drop her off at eight. Later, Larsson.” and with that he left, lighting a cigarette as he went. Teddi sighed. She really hoped that this wouldn’t lead to her becoming his wingman or something. She couldn’t think of anything she’d want less than helping Billy Hargrove get laid. 

---

Billy had assured Susan about twenty times that he was going to stay at the arcade with Max that night. Ever since the night Max had run off with that Sinclair kid, Susan had become a complete pain in Billy’s ass. Now it was somehow his job to take care of her and make sure she didn’t get into trouble. Max was his responsibility and not his dad or Susan’s. To say it was causing him to resent Max was an understatement. 

He didn’t really mind Max if he was honest. She was pretty funny, and she wasn’t annoying like other girls her age. There was a part of Billy that thought if things were different he would probably be okay with having Max as a step sister. Maybe if his dad wasn’t in the picture. Maybe one day when Billy got out of that shitty house his dad had moved them into things could be different. Maybe he wouldn’t be so angry all the damn time. 

But tonight he’d be free. At least for a few hours. Teddi had agreed to cover for him with Max, and he’d finally get to bag Cheryl Burns, who had been giving him the run around since he moved to Hawkins. Max didn’t really care, she was just happy to be out of the house. He definitely couldn’t blame her. “I’m picking you up at ten, Max. Your ass better be outside waiting for me. I’m don’t wanna have to listen to Susan bitch at me that we missed curfew because of you.” 

Max rolled her eyes. “Sure thing your majesty,” she muttered. Billy shot her a glare, but didn’t say anything. “I can’t believe you got Teddi to cover for you. She can’t stand you.”

“She doesn’t even know me.” he spat defensively. He knew he got on Teddi’s nerves sure, but Jesus, he didn’t think she actually hated him. 

“Do you even hear how you sound when you speak to people? I can’t believe she hasn’t punched you yet.” Max said with a small laugh. Billy didn’t respond. He only gripped the steering wheel tightly. Couldn’t anyone tell that he was trying? What was it going to take? Sacrificing himself to save a box full of puppies from an oncoming train or something? He scoffed. 

Billy and Max pulled into the parking lot of the Palace Arcade and went inside. It seemed busier than usual. Or more chaotic at least. Billy did a quick sweep of the place, but couldn’t find Teddi. “Well where the fuck is she?” he asked, looking over towards the video store. Still no sign of her white blonde hair. 

Max was looking around as well, a frown appearing on her face when she couldn’t spot Teddi either. “I don’t know...maybe she’s on her break or something? Just get out of here, Billy. I’ll find Teddi.” she said, waving him away. 

Billy spotted Keith behind the prize counter. He brushed past Max and headed over. “Hey, where’s Teddi? She told me she’d be in tonight.” 

Keith actually rolled his eyes at him. “Sorry, lover boy, she’s not here. She called a couple hours ago and said something came up. Notice the wild animals frothing at the mouth. She’s the only one that can keep them under control.” he said, motioning to all the kids running around the small arcade. 

Billy’s jaw clenched. Was Teddi fucking with him? Telling him she’d help and then ditching him at the last minute as some sort of joke? He stomped back over to Max, jabbing a finger at her. “Remember what I said. Ten. Don’t do anything stupid.” he didn’t give her time to answer. He shoved the door open, storming out to his car and speeding away. 

He tried to put it out of his mind once he picked up Cheryl. He had been looking forward to this for months. He wasn’t going to let Teddi trying to get back at him for throwing her into the pool (or whatever she was obviously pissed at him for) or his dad finding out he had ditched Max at the arcade ruin his night. 

But the thing was...Cheryl was boring. Maybe if he had been back home in California he wouldn’t have minded. Everything had seemed more exciting there. But now, here in Hawkins, with Cheryl not even attempting to pretend they were on a real date (even though he had taken her out to his spot at the lake since they both knew why they were going out) and immediately crawling into the backseat of his car, wagging one of her long, painted nails at him suggestively, Billy found himself just very bored. Was this it? If Cheryl Burns was the end all be all of the girls at his school, what did he really have to look forward to? 

It just made him hate Hawkins even more. 

He ended up taking Cheryl home early. He told her he’d call (he wouldn’t) and he drove back to the arcade to sit in the parking lot until ten rolled around. He felt like the biggest loser in town. 

Billy wondered briefly what must have come up with Teddi. What could have possibly happened to make Teddi Larsson, the most reliable person he’d probably ever met, skip out on work. Whatever it was, it gave him a bad feeling. The air felt thick around him and he had that anxious feeling in his chest that he got whenever his dad got pissed at him. 

He let out a huff and lit a cigarette. Whatever it was, she’d be getting an ear full from him the next time he saw her. No one stood up Billy Hargrove. If she wanted him to be the bad guy, he was more than happy to play the role. 

Flicking his half finished cigarette out the window with an annoyed sigh, Billy pressed his hand down on the horn, deciding he had had enough of waiting around for Max. He saw her face appear in the window, rolling her eyes once she spotted Billy and trudging out to the car. 

“You said ten.” she argued as she slid into the passenger's seat. 

“I changed my mind.” he snapped. Max only crossed her arms. That little part of him felt bad for dragging her away and making her go back home. But that little part was quickly snuffed out by the bigger, angier part of him. That side always won. Whether he wanted it to or not. He almost wondered when it would take control completely. He’d be lying if he said it didn’t scare him a little. 

[thelovers-thedreamers-and-me]

got another fuck squad session in, my dudes! ft. my dope blackberry rhubarb crostata and one of the gifts from maddela’s player, a rainbow of rocks from the fuck squad camping trip i had to miss because i was working. (she also got me multiple litres of cider, but that’s for later.)

so before the fuck squad actually nears, like, the plot or anything, they have sergei’s wedding shower. they get the ship’s cook to make them a cake.

rhonia: “we want it to be really rude.” cook: “i’m a sailor. that rude?”

maddela brews some moonshine for the party in her poison distilling kit and dear god am i lucky she rolled well because i am not emotionally ready for her to unintentionally poison the whole party at a wedding shower. they also make some decorations.

rhonia goes to tell pashmina what’s going on, and we learn i can’t make a horse noise to save my life

maddela: “and look i made punch!” “you didn’t ask for any ingredients for this punch besides your moonshine.” “it’s strong punch.”

rhonia: “you can only wear one magic ring on each hand.” “yeah, you can’t be a magic pimp.” saida: “WHY AM I PLAYING THIS GAME”

rhonia and maddela chanted “salt-encrusted dicks!” for some reason

they also gave him wedding shower presents- he got rhonia’s bowl of comfortable warmth, maddela gives him gold jewelled nipple clamps, and yoni gives him a mahogany rolling pin. there’s lots of fireworks.

saida: “SPACE DOCKING! any day i can yell space docking is a good one. there’s not a lot of those.”

they also use the bag of trading for more gifts so sergei gets an apron that says Kiss the Cock on it

the next day, they go to voight, a city dominated by copper spires that rise up into the sky. they see machines and immediately decide that the city is run by fake fantasy scientologists who worship ridium

their first round of help comes from a teenage urchin named amelie, who shows them around, first to an inn called the elegant nymph

amelie has a friend in jesus. specifically, another urchin named jesus because i accidentally said “jeeeeesus” even though i already established that he’s not a part of my world’s mythology

they decide the innkeeper of the elegant nymph, bertha, is mrs. doubtfire for absolutely no reason and my voice was great.

sergei: “she rolled a 3 to punch his cock! she just like tapped his dick, that’s it”

rhonia: “before we go, have you ever heard of a god called ridium?”

these fucks are paranoid

amelie gives them a brief tour, where she tells them the story of the founding of voight.

long story short, there’s an elf named leodithas and a dwarf named bandrum. they both fled their homelands as refugees from war, and ended up travelling together. when they arrived at the site that would become voight, both of them heard a voice in their head saying that they should bury their most prized possession and leave in the middle of the night without a word, and then their troubles might continue but their companion would find true happiness.

rhonia: “are they gonna bury each other?” sergei: “you can’t own another person! RHONIA.”

bandrum chose a smooth blue stone he had salvaged from the ruins of his hometown. leodithas, having nothing from his home, chose to bury his last small piece of bread. they caught each other trying to leave in the middle of the night, laughed, embraced, and stayed together. the next day they discovered rich mines of copper and that the sea filled with fish, so they settled down in the site, building their home between the places they buried the stone and the bread. they were the first settlers of voight, but more came, and it turned into a village, then a town, until finally they built this city on the rock and roll

I HAD BEEN WAITING OVER A MONTH TO SAY THIS JOKE AND DEAR GOD WAS IT WORTH IT

sergei: “it’s like a buck saw.” saida: “what’s a bucksaw? i’ll look it up.” me, mishearing: “don’t look up fucksaw” yoni: “a fucksaw is just, like, aggressive scissoring”

they went to the library, where saida wanted to look up the extradition laws (because these guys are specifically horny for the lore i hadn’t really thought about) and yoni wanted to look up ridium and also the contraptions they kept seeing around. meanwhile rhonia took a nap, maddela went busking, and sergei went to find the secret market where they can get magic tattoos.

yoni: “i would have subtitled it magic, the boring.” “well that’s why you haven’t written this book.”

yoni doesn’t find out much about ridium, but she does discover that most of the clockwork mechanisms around were built by gnomes, whose descendants still fix them.

saida: “i’m pre-law” “in that you do things before laws are made to stop you doing them.”

“all the books are very dry, very boring.” yoni: “title of your sex tape.”

“you’re unlikely to get deported unless you do some serious crimes. so prolly shouldn’t have paid for two weeks at the inn.”

there was also a bit about xalvador, who is a half-orc sex worker librarian who is happily married but having an affair with his work? gotta love the random character generator

“it’s like footloose but for prostitutes. buttloose.”

saida: “what do i roll to be extra charming?” “bluff.”

sergei finds the entrance to the criminal underworld, and also buys a little carved horse statue.

“the person selling horse statues is a gnome-” yoni: “he’s not working on clockwork? so he’s a failed gnome?”

the squad goes down and finds the magic tattoo parlor. inside is a very tall man (about eight feet) who wears long sweeping robes, has dark skin, and iridescent whitish hair. the squad decide he’s a drow for absolutely no reason.

he tells them they can get magical tattoos for the low price of 500 gold and a favor each. “it’ll only be five minutes of your time.”

saida: “oh but the favor’s gonna be sketchy.” “no, it’s not.” “OKAY! let’s do it!”

saida: “how often do i use wisdom?” “rarely.”

i am gettin’ off those zingers tonight!

sergei and saida each get two tattoos. sergei gets an elephant for intelligence and a fox for dexterity on his tiddies, while saida gets a peacock for charisma and an owl for wisdom on her hands. rhonia wants more charisma but requests a special version since she doesn’t like peacocks, so he does a picture of one of her face of the devourers on her chest. yoni gets one that will allow her to fly for six rounds a day, which looks like muhammad ali with desna’s butterfly wings. both she and sergei’s player drew beautiful renditions.

maddela stays back at the market to seek out some sketchy work, while the squad goes to a tavern called the paladin’s favor to find some less sketchy shit

when they come in, a rogue is trying to sell a party member of his that was turned to stone. the squad considers it before dropping the question.

the most interesting job they find is tracking down a seller of stolen magical items, who knows saida from her crime days. i renamed him jon bovi after a v good bon jovi imitation

saida: “there’s a statute of limitations. “no, the statue of limitations is over there being used as a coat rack”

the leader of the assassin’s guild, erris, asks for maddela’s credentials. maddela: “i’ve done some not very nice things”

maddela: “back in chillwater, well, we solved a murder” “that’s kind of the exact opposite of what i’m asking you to do.”

after telling erris about how she did very much stab lord acotar right in the asshole, erris offers maddela a chance at an open contract to murder the mayor, malkyn de bolbec.

maddela: “you can call me..... m.” saida: “.... for maddela.” “or MURDER.”

on her way out, maddela is surprised to see tarand, who stops her and asks to chat with her for a little while, and that’s when the session ends

[pixieungerstories]

Housemates -18

Derick was in the middle of a hiring blitz, trying to get extra staff to cover Christmas parties.  Vinny hadn’t seen much of him in the last few days.  She was back doing morning runs on her own.  He would pop in for supper, sometimes but not reliably, mostly she saved him some in the fridge.  Tonight she cornered him on his way through between the closing time and morning deliveries.

She was stressed out from school and tried to talk him into a quick and dirty finger fuck.  He laughed and hustled her upstairs.

To Tristan’s room.

“Um,” she said as Derick knocked on the door.

“Trust me,” the werewolf replied as Tristan opened the door.

“Not if I can help it,” Tristan rumbled.  “Hi Vinny.”

“It’s a bit of an emergency,” Derick explained.  “Can we come in?”

Tristan stepped aside. Derick pulled Vinny into the room and had her out of her pjs in seconds.  He was kissing and stroking her breasts, biting gently when she got distracted by Tristan there.  He nibbled along her collar bone as his fingers dipped into her panties and brushed against her clit.

“You are dripping,” he observed.

Vinny just whined, her eyes squeezed shut.

“Now,” Derick almost purred into her skin.  “Do you really want me fumbling in your panties for the five minutes I have, or would you rather have Tristan fuck you until you can’t walk straight?  Be honest now.”

“Jesus,” Tristan murmured.

Vinny’s hips bucked as Derick pulled his fingers away. Her eyes snapped open and looked between the two of them.  “I can’t just use Tristan like that!”

“Yes you can,” Tristan offered, adjusting his pants.

Her eyes went wide.

Derick looked at his watch, “I bet he can make you come in the next three minutes.  If I win, you stay here until morning.”

Tristan dropped to his knees, Derick supported her ass and the minotaur hooked one leg over his horn.  Her panties were pulled to the side. “Need me to stop?”

Vinny stared at him in wonder and shook her head, no.

Tristan’s tongue was soft and unbelievably long.  He pushed it into her for a moment before licking her clit and replacing it with one thick, callused finger.  It only took him a moment to find the right spot and rub it as he lapped at her.  Vinny whimpered as her leg gave way, but Tristan was holding her up.

She didn’t even notice when Derick snuck out, quietly closing the door behind him.

Tristan kept his fingers moving as he carried her to the bed and lay her on her back.  He worked her until she was moments away from cumming again, then stopped and pulled back.  Vinny gasped  and gave him a hurt look.

“Come sit in my lap.”

She looked over at him.  His sweat pants were still in place but his cock was straining to get out.  She swallowed a couple of times, “That looks really big.”

Tristan snorted.  “Why don’t you try grinding against it for a while?  Fun for everyone.”

Vinny ended up straddling Tristan on her knees in a motion that was reminiscent of the way she ended up walking funny after riding Derick’s face, but this time Tristan’s huge hands were helping to support her.  That was good, but she missed the fullness of his fingers.

“Condoms?” she gasped.

Tristan chuckled and leaned over to the night stand.  They were XXL, but Tristan was the first guy she might actually believe needed them.    “You are really intimidating, you know,” Vinny commented as she rolled one down his shaft.

Tristan caught her ankles and flipped her on her back.  Vinny pulled her thighs open as wide as she could.  Tristan was busy kissing her neck and her breasts as he rubbed his cock between her lips.   He kissed his way down her body and eased one finger, then a second into her.  Then he twisted his wrist so he could thumb her clit as he watched her face.  She pressed both fists to her mouth as she came, clenching around his fingers.  Tristan kept working her and another was close behind.

Her legs were shaking now.  Tristan cupped the back of her head with sticky fingers and kissed her deeply as he ground his cock against her clit.  Vinny came again then squirmed, completely over stimulated.  She wiggled under him and angled her hips so she could wrap her trembling legs around his waist.  It took some of the pressure off her clit.

“Please!” she gasped.

Tristan ground her into the mattress.  His back arched and he bellowed as he filled the condom.  Vinny found her hips bucking in response. Tristan slid a hand behind her back so that when he rolled over, he took her with him.

Vinny’s legs were still shaking; she chuckled to herself.

“You ok?” Tristan asked.

“I am very ok.  I’m also wondering how much work Derick put into getting me into this room.”

Tristan considered that, “You know I didn’t put him up to that, right?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Probably a lot.  It’s a werewolf thing, sharing.” Tristan admitted.  “Derick is a cast iron pan and he likes to watch.”  Then something occurred to him, “Did you feel pressured?”

“Not exactly.  I like sex.  We were having a lot of sex.  Then after I slept over in your room, we had sex maybe twice.   Since then he has been too busy.  It was like getting hooked on the good stuff, then he cut me off.”

“I hope this was good stuff.”

That flat out made her laugh, “You have to know that it was.”

Tristan shifted uncomfortably, “I could feel you cum on my fingers.  The rest though…  I’m used to actresses faking it.  I’m not always sure I can tell.”

“Really?  Because I can’t move my legs like that voluntarily.”

“Huh.  I’ll keep that in mind.” Tristan yawned.  Vinny yawned back at him. Tristan wiggled away, pulling off the condom and tossing it in the wastebasket.  “You stay here, I’ll go get you some juice.”

“I’m fine.”

“Nope!  After sex always drink and pee.  It’s the rule.”

Vinny just shook her head.  As he opened the door, she called out, “Pants!”

Tristan threw her a smirk and sauntered out without them.

----

Derick came home in the wee hours of the morning.  He snuck into Tristan’s room.  Vinny and the minotaur were passed out on the bed.  The room smelled like sex.  There was a glass and an empty carton of orange juice on the side table.  He groaned and palmed his dick through his pants.

He took a moment to scrub the bar smell off then squeezed into Tristan’s bed behind Vinny.  She stirred a little and rolled to look at him.  Derick smiled at her in the darkness.  “Did you have fun?”

Vinny nodded sleepily.

“I’m glad.  Are you going to be walking funny tomorrow?”

“No,” she murmured.

“Darn.”

Vinny snorted and punched him.   “It was strictly outercourse tonight.”

“Huh.  Well, I’ve seen what’s in his pants.  I can’t say I blame you.”

Tristan grumbled and rolled over, “Not as much fun when a girl takes one look and panics.”

“I didn’t panic!” Vinny protested.

Tristan snorted like only a minotaur could, “You were squeezing my fingers tight enough that it wasn’t going to work.  This way everyone had fun and no one got hurt.”  He spooned Vinny tighter to himself, “You have class in the morning and I have to go prune an espalier orchard.  Go to sleep, little girl.”

And as always, you can find pictures and extra content on my patreon page.  Housemates is more than 10 chapters ahead, and patrons get to vote on pairings.  I am also running a space orc story and a werewolf story, depending on your pledge level.

[bigbadorc]

Modern Orc Boyfriend | Gordoxe

"I see hell in your eyes, taken in by surprise.

Touching you makes me feel alive, touching you makes me die inside."

Reader x Orc story

Orcs rule the underworld selling humans & elves alike as slaves, what will Alice do when she's captured & made an offer she literally can't refuse? & how long will she last if she keeps pushing her new boss's limits?

The blindfold that was tied around your head was pulled down to your neck you looked up at the creature in front of you he was clearly the alpha male in the room, he sat in the middle of a red velvet lounge with women on either side of him, some were elves others humans. You shook your head how was this possible? You had heard of the slave trades on the news before, Orcs selling humans & elves to other races but you never thought it would happen to you & if you were honest you had kind of turned a blind eye to it, it was easy enough to do when it wasn't happening to you.

You winced at the pain of trying to keep your eyes open, you felt the bruise on your cheek pulsing & you could taste the blood from the split that had been punched into your lip.

You sniffed when you met the creature's golden eyes, he tore them away from inspecting your face, his gaze made you feel small...he made you feel something else too but you couldn't recognise the emotion.

"I told you not to harm the human's, I can't sell damaged product." He spat thrusting his finger in your direction, he galred at your captors.

The goblin beside you nodded vigorous & bowed his head "I-I know-" he cleared his throat before continuing "but she was a fighter, w-we could keep her until she heals. She will be prime product, I can guarantee that sir." The goblin swollowed hard & looked over to his dark elf partner for support buy only recieved a shrug in response before he averted his eyes to the floor.

You chuckled "not so tough now are you little man?" You teased under your breath, you were amused at how the confident smirk he wore earlier was wiped from his face with only a glance, you licked your bottom lip as blood trickled from it due to the width of your grin.

The orc who was clearly the leader of this group stood & began to walk over to you, he was a mountain of a creature & the muscles he bore on every inch of his body were huge, you shuddered at the thought of the pain that his giant fists would bring once they met skin but you didn't show your fear.

He smirked down at you before kneeling "everybody leave." He said, curiosity passed his features as he looked you over. The women & hunters scurried from the room, opening the door & letting the bass from the club flood in before promptly shutting the door behind them.

The orc infront of you grabbed your chin between his thumb & forefinger to get a better look at your face "what say you to a deal?" He asked before letting his grip slip.

You raised your eyebrow "what kind of deal?" You asked, trying to even out your breathing his touch sent shivers throughout your body & he radiated power.

"I'm not going to sell you little human, if you work for me." He said.

You pursed your lips "doing what?" You asked curiously, like you had an option. It was that or death but you would be damned if you let him think he had it over you, something in you wanted to defy his every wish.

"You will work close with me, I need someone to stick by me & do some off hand work that I don't have the time for, kind of like a secretary position if you will." He explained.

You frowned "what would a gang leader need with a secretary?" You asked confused.

He laughed "we have to have a way of making the money look legitimate, how do you think we don't get caught?" He asked "it's for my office."

You clucked your tongue "what happened to your last secretary?" You asked adding sarcastic emphasis on secretary.

He shrugged "shot." He said uncaring as he stood casting a large shadow over your small bent frame.

You cursed under your breath & stood slowly "fine." You agreed, it's not like you had a choice. You threw the handcuffs you had picked the lock of ages ago at him & he caught them with a chuckle.

"You're going to be a pain in the ass aren't you?" He asked with a smirk.

You matched his smirk with one of your own "you have no idea." You said as you flipped your hair over your shoulders with confidence.

--------------

That was the first time you met him, Gordoxe the king of the Criminal Underbelly. Criminals feared him, police paid him for protection, he pretty much ran the country. He was the most feared Orc & yet you couldn't help but push his buttons.

"Alice!" He yelled from his office, you adjusted your small black skirt as you stood from your uncomfortable desk chair & walked over to his open door "get in here & shut the fucking door!" He boomed, you smiled sweetly at him & he growled "you are a pain in the ass, I shoud have killed you on the spot." He growled throwing his arms up with frustration.

You bat your eyelashes at him innocently "good morning to you to Gordy." You said happily, calling him by the nickname you had devised for him...he hated it which made you love it even more.

He slammed his giant fist on his mahogany desk leaving a crack in it, you couldn't help but gawk at the crack he left. It was ridiculous that you would be turned on by that but there you were practically drooling over it.

"Don't call me that! How many warnings do you need little human? I have a reputation to uphold! You can't go around disrespecting me like this." He said, you rolled your eyes.

"Jesus Gord-" he glared at you & you cleared your throat as you nodded "sir" you corrected yourself "you hired me for this position, it's not like I was qualified for it! I was a barmaid for christ sake." You argued, placing a hand on your hip as you cocked your eyebrow at him in a challenge.

"You're right-" he admitted with a small sigh, you raised your eyebrows as shock took over admitting you were right? that was new "I was impulsive & I should have checked your credentials before saving your GODDAMN LIFE!" He yelled.

It was your turn to sigh because he was right "I'm sorry I'll try harder." You gave in with a roll of your eyes.

He nodded making you cross your arms in protest "good I'll give you a week more to get your shit together, you've been here for two months, Ali you should be able to do the job with ease by now not just walking around looking like that-" he said motioning to your figure "in those damn skirts." You bit back a smile as he pinched the bridge of his nose with frustration you began to walk over to his desk absent mindedly as if your feet were moving on their own accord, swaying your hips with each step.

He licked his lips hungrily & leaned back in his black leather chair as his eyes roamed said hips.

You couldn't help yourself in that moment, not around him, not anymore. You wanted him, all those nights you spent pleasuring yourself to the thought of him, the tension between you both was getting to be to much, you reached around his desk & pressed the button that made the black curtains drop over the clear glass box that was his office.

"What are you doing?" He asked as you moved around the desk & crawled onto his lap.

"You seem pent up & I said I would try harder didn't I?" You asked with a pout.

"You're insufferable & annoying, little human." He breathed out.

You smirked "he says as he strokes my lower back." You retorted as you reached back & grabbed his hand pushing it down to your ass, letting him grab & knead to his desire, you bit your bottom lip seductively as you rolled your hips over the front of his jeans, a low noise came from his throat as he locked eyes with you.

He stopped suddenly & a look of hunger crossed his features as he grabbed the back of your neck pulling your head down to his slowly, he grabbed your chin with his forefinger & thumb as he craned his neck.

A knock on the door interrupted the moment & he growled lifting you off him, you darted around the desk & sat in the chair across from him on the otherside of the large desk -the very desk you fantasized about Gordoxe bending you over- & quickly fixed your skirt.

"What?!" He roared, you crossed your legs to hide your heat & stiffened as the door opened glancing down to make sure your skirt was sat at an appropriate height, you looked to the doorway & there stood Gas the goblin that kidnapped you "we've got a problem." He said, his face grave.

You rolled your eyes, you could swear that was the only way he ever started a sentence "we always have a problem, can I leave early today?" You asked.

Gordoxe narrowed his eyes at you "I'll have Sands take you back to the apartment, no stops, no leaving." Annoyance boiled within you, you could never go out or do anything when they had a problem. It's not like it was your problem, it was their's you weren't part of the gang after all you only dealt with the legitimate side of their opporation.

"That's not-" you began to protest but Gordoxe threw his arms up.

"No! You will listen to me, damn it. Go home don't argue-" he was pointing his finger violently at you "or I swear to god there will be punishments this time! for too long I have given you leniency." He said "I will do it no longer." & with that he stormed out of the room Gas trailed behind him leaving you with Sands, the dark elf who was assigned to you as a babysitter of sorts or as you like to call him the babesitter.

"Come on Sands, time to babesit." You said sullenly walking out the door, as usual he said nothing.

The elevator doors were open & a fair few people were piled in, there was just enough room for one more & if you could get in there without Sands catching you first, you could make a stop before going to the apartment all this pent up tension had you craving a drink. A man in a suit was about to press the button, you had about point two seconds to get in so you bolted into the elevator Sands ran behind up behind you but the doors closed you waved at him through the crack just before they closed & the elevator began to descend & you chuckled to yourself in victory, you looked around the elevator & people shrunk away from you they knew who you were. You worked closely with Gordoxe & that was enough to stay away from you, you smiled at them all & began to sway on your heels happily.

The second the elevator doors opened you ran out & into the city outside triumphantly, you finally had a moment alone, a moment without the lonely company of a babysitter who didn't speak, a moment of normality.

I'll drink to that you thought to yourself as you walked to the nearest bottleshop.

When you finally found one you grabbed the most expensive bottle of whiskey & paid for it with the company card, with all the teasing Gordoxe was doing supplying you with a little liquid release was the least he could do.

----

It was going on dark by the time you had finished the bottle & you knew by now Gordoxe would have people out looking for you & he'd be royally pissed off. You walked back to Gordy's hotel where Sands stood guard at the large glass foyer doors.

He didn't even look at you when you walked past, you walked into the building & to the elevator, pressing the button for the penthouse as you sighed & you lent your head against the wall preparing yourself for the bombardment of lectures you were no doubt about to recieve.

The golden elevator doors dinged open & Gordoxe was pacing on the otherside of them, he grabbed your arm & dragged you into the large penthouse, the expression on his face was positively murderous "you insufferable little brat!" He screamed "you have no idea how worried I've been! You have no idea the dangers that await you out there nor do you take them seriously! I warned you there would be consequences if you disobeyed me." He snarled.

"What are you going to do?" You put on a good front because of the alcohol but if you were honest...or sober you would be fully aware of just how seriously scary he was in that momemt & you'd admit that you fucked up.

"Oh, I'll show you." He said menacingly his large figure cast a dark shadow over you as he stepped forward & swooped you up. He threw you over his large shoulder, you yelped & squirmed but there was not a point in fighting so you quickly gave up going limp as he carried your body through the halls.

He took you into his office grumbling something about 'only wanting what was best for you' & how 'it was for your safety', he sat you onto the desk of his home office & you sat on the edge swinging your legs in the large gap between your feet & the floor.

He was so close to you that you could see the green rings that lined the gold in his eyes, your breath caught in you throat. He had beautiful eyes, that was the first thing you noticed about him. They were your first thought in the morning & your last thought at night, the way they held such a whirlwind of emotions it was hard to pin a singular feeling down but the whirlwind was only ever there when he was looking at you.

"You have no idea what you do to me." He said his voice deep & husky, his warm breath faned across your face making you shiver "your rebellious streak is causing me trouble." He said "in more ways then one."

You frowned "more than one?" You asked confused, how could little old you be causing the biggest ganster in the country multipul problems?

He smirked "you really want to know little human?" He asked, you licked your lips as you inspected his beautiful smirk & how the gold piercing in his right tusk shone.

You gulped & nodded, he grabbed your hand gently as his eyes bore into your own & he moved it down to the front of his black jeans. Your eyes widened & you gulped slightly when you felt the impossibly large buldge in his pants, you looked down to see that your hand was tiny in comparison to it & his eyes filled with lust at the sight causing the buldge to throb.

He moved his large hand up to your cheek & rubbed his thumb gently over the bone, your eyes fluttered close at his gentle touch & you moved your hand but only to pull him closer to you.

The space between you both was charged with electricity & you couldn't hold back any longer lest you both burst at the seams.

He growled as he moved between your legs, you wrapped your thighs around his solid midsection & pulled the collar of his white shirt towards you "careful little human." He warned.

You looked up at him with doe eyes "I thought you wanted to punish me?" You asked with a sickly sweet tone.

He cupped your chin in his forefinger & thumb like he did when you first met like he has done several times after & dipped his head down so that your lips were inches apart "I did didn't I?" He said his voice gruff before he closed distance, his lips were soft & warm. You moaned against them & pressed your lips hard against his, he broke the kiss suddenly but only to suck on your neck, you moaned again as his tusks dragged across your soft skin making your lower back tingle.

"Gordoxe." You whispered through a sigh.

He pushed you down against his desk & slid his hand down your stomach "say my name again little human." He growled as his fingers played with the hem of your underwear.

"Gordoxe." You sighed out again, his fingers slid down your thighs & back up sending waves of desire through out your body, he stopped at the entrance of your skirt & he began to laugh as he pulled away from you leaving you panting on his desk, you sat up on your elbows & frowned at him "I told you I'd have to punish you." He said.

Anger boiled inside you & you sat up from the desk "fuck you." You pouted as you walked to the door of his office fixing your skirt as you did "you punish yourself also." You pointed out, nodding to the very clear erection he had & with that you stepped out of the office slamming the large wooden doors close behind you.

(Hey guys! Sorry if this is a little awful, it's my first Orc story & it's three o'clock in the morning oh & I also had already wrote this out but the tumblr app shut down & deleted the whole thing so I had to start again...yuUup that was fun. Anywhoser I hope you guys liked this, let me know what you thought & if you have any requests I'd totally be down to do them -willing to do a lot of different creatures not just orcs- OH! & let me know if you'd like a part 2 or a different Orc)

[goddamnwebcomics]

BIGGEST IDIOT OF THE MONTH DECEMBER 2023

Well this month has been a very tough competition, but after a long evalution I've decided to give the Biggest Idiot of the Month award to Luna Travoria from Dominic Deegan.

If I didn't have the "no real people" rule I would've given it to Mookie himself, because March Across Maltak officially is now the worst arc in any webcomic I've ever riffed. And I feel like Luna encapsulates that perfectly. We were given a big plot twist that, since Luna saved the orcs, she can no longer have children, and instead of her reaction being "Oh my god oh no" she is like "Who cares? The children in Maltak will be happy! I am the Orc Jesus!" However she fails to realize that despite Maltak being no longer cursed, there's a chance Karnak can just curse it again just like last time and all of Luna's efforts would have been for nothing. Not only that, the arc was just a really cheap way to get rid of Luna's depression. Like I get the circle of irony that Luna getting cursed by orcs at birth and later becoming the saviour of Orcs, but that shouldn't have happened at all. I suppose nominating Luna to be the Biggest Idiot of the Month Arc is symbolically giving this arc the Award instead.

Runnerups for this month were the german ghostbuster asshats as well as creepy stalker Chelsea from Peter and Company, Jacob "Death is not Zombies" Deegan from Dominic Deegan as well and lastly the Gooner Giraffe and Kathy from Carry On for being such hateable manchildren. It was a tough competition, but now it's time to move on. See you at the end of next month to see who's the first Biggest Idiot of 2024!

[readbythestarlight]

c2e66

This ad xD

"$ami$awe$some"

This is so dumb I love it

Oh yes, about to fight a giant bird. Excellent.

Dimension doooooor Jester and Beau nice that’s 2 safe at least

Please don’t die @anyone

Jesus H Fucking Christ indeed

Yaaaaaas ride it Fjord!

Liam getting into bird character by doing the Marisha Perch

Awww baby Roc!!

Baby Roc do-do-dodododo!

Please leave there can’t possibly be anything in that nest you really need

You’re really pushing it

So many wasted spells yikes

Oh my god

What if they got a TPK from a trapped ring

Oh damn ring of protection!!

From rocs to orcs

They’re like half out of spells and potentially gonna have to fight orcs

J: "HELLO BEES"

Jester saves the days with her bees

And Caleb with his fire

"Anything that escapes from that" oh I don’t like that

Umbra Gates... a temple to the betrayer gods. Oh dear.

So this guy is looking for another entrance to this temple and... this is where they’re getting the rift things from?

The princes of

Oh dear

Oh they are not ready to go into this

This is like a level 12 area

This poor guy lol

WHISPEEERRS

I wonder what Cad needs the incense and ivory for....

Deles Dimono?

Jester pinched Nott’s flask?

Poor Nott. Now might not have been the best time to make her go cold turkey.

Oh excellent I was hoping Fjord would get the chance to talk to Caduceus

"It felt good" I’m crying like imagine Fjord, who’s had to ask "do your gods hurt you/punish you/etc?" being able to say "it felt good"

Im having Fjeelings

Cad: "I’d like to think you have a shining, beautiful destiny ahead of you"

My heaaaaart

Gah this is so good I love Fjord being hopeful about the Wild Mother possibly being able to help him

Poor Nott and her withdrawals :(

N: "YASHA IF YOU STOLE IT I WILL FUCKIGN KILL YOU"

Y: "I didn’t *fucking* steal it Nott >:("

N: "okay I’m sorry!!!"

Caleb, babe. Don’t be an enabler.

Y’all are not gonna be able to find anything wandering randomly into the tunnels

Everyone else: trying to talk about the tunnels

J: "you have really nice muscles too Fjord you’re buff too there’s time you can see the tone"

The fact that just asking the guy where he was worked is worrisome

F: "We should just check out the abyss before we go right"

C: "Nnnnnnooo Fjord we should NOT do that"

This is such a trap

...does this guy’s voice sound familiar at all

What if it’s someone they know

"Let lie the King’s instrument. Deathless and detained. Until the world ends."

Hmmmmmmm

Jeeze these rolls

It’s like they all wasted their nat20s on that one history check and

FJORD

WE TALKED ABOUT THE TOUCHING THINGS

AND THE WALKING THROUGH THINGS

ffs you’re gonna give me a heart attack

What if the guy isn’t even there what if he lured them there because Yasha needs to go in for some reason

Jester looking after Yasha I’m crying

J: "I know that you lost your family, but we can be your new one. And, we love you, Yasha." I’m cryiiiiiiing.

Yasha trying to pray to the storm lord, so uncertain and sweet, just kills me

Thunder!! *cries*

Caleb using that Dunemancy magic for good

A mile is too far

2 miles is double too far

I’m glad their immediate reactions are like "nobody touch the weird obelisk"

Oh no don’t send Nott right now I know you’re trying to show her that she’s worth something without the alcohol but I’m concerned

...okay so far it’s fine

Eldritch blast to get Frumpkin/Caleb’s attention lol

It’s Abyssal niiiiice

"Build every bridge, become every nightmare, feast on every heart." Noooope

Mmm Aasimar statues?

Oh no blood eyes

WET blood eyes

Recently wet blood eyes

Weeping angels haaaaaa

NOTT

NO

If something happens to Nott I feel like Jester is going to feel responsible

Oh I am having some NERVES

Please tell me all the angels aren’t weeping

Crap they are

Oh nooooo

Death ward that’s nice

Nott now is not the time to search for your flask

What if they’re actual Aasimar that have been turned into stone/trapped in stone

Do they all have the same face?

Celestial corpses oh no

For the sake of their lives I want them to leave for the sake of the story I want them to stay

Like is it a sacrifice? Is the blood from a sacrifice? Is Yasha in danger of being sacrificed?

The statues are vibrating

14 statues how many bodies

Because if there are only 13 bodies I am afeared

Okay guys it’s getting real late please move into the door so Matt can call it for the night and leave me in suspense for a week

Thank god

Now I just get to be worried for a week

That is some top notch suspense horror there Matthew well done

lol ending with “maybe they call you Orphanmaker because you secretly wrote the musical Annie.” / “THE SUN WILL COME OUT—”

Love you too Matt!!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #217

“roses are red, and my heart is black. we creep about the floor to indulge like rats.”

Do you know anyone who works in a laboratory? No. What was the very first social media site you signed up for? MySpace. Can you see yourself marrying your current partner? (if you have a partner) Easily. If you were in a coma, who would be making healthcare decisions for you? My mom. Are you the type of person who knows exactly what they want in life? Not entirely, but mostly. Do you have commitment issues? Not at all. What was the last thing you had an allergic reaction to? Silver. Have you gone out to dinner in the past week? No. What’s something you’ve done that sounds too crazy to be true? The only thing I think someone would actually find "crazy" would be I've been in a psychiatric hospital five or six times (I seriously can't remember). Are there any flowers planted outside your house? No. Well, not by us. There's a camellia tree by our back door that we didn't plant. What’s the weirdest decoration you’ve seen in someone else’s home? I'unno. I generally don't find decorations strange. Spice up your house with what you like. Did you have your own bathroom when you were growing up? No. Do you know anyone who never disciplines their children? I know of people. What’s the longest you’ve gone without leaving the house? Weeks. Are you more of a practical thinker, or more of an imaginative thinker? I think I can be on either end depending on the situation. Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad does. How well do you know your neighbors? I've never interacted with the ones to the right of us, but Mom knows the woman to the left, and she's apparently very nice. Mom was talking about her just the other day about how she always brings our trash can back to the fence, actually. How far are you into the book you’re currently reading? N/A Have you ever had a pet escape and run away? I don't believe so, at least not permanently. Do any of your exes know each other? Jason and Juan did. Girt and Jason know each other because of me; we all hung out a few times. It's both funny and sad now to know how friendzoned Girt was... ha ha. Sorry man. What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? "Dinosaurs didn't exist." What the fuck are fossils then, bitch. What was the very first election you voted in? I haven't voted in any yet. Do you know how to make omelettes? No. I could probably figure it out, but I don't know for sure. What is your favorite summer month? Fuck summer. What do you want to be for Halloween this year? One of the witches from Hocus Pocus would be super cool, but yeah, I don't have the money to even try to make a costume. Do you have a desk in your room? If so, do you use it as a desk that you sit and work at? No. Do you wear band tees? if yes, which one is your favorite? Yes. I love my Metallica one. It's got a really cool design. Would you ever want to live in a home with all-white walls and furniture? "Not white furniture, no. That seems like it’d be a pain to keep clean." <<< Definitely. Do you have pajama days often? I'm literally always in pjs unless I have to leave the house and get out of the car. There's no point in changing otherwise; I'd just be creating more laundry. What is one thing you’re behind on? Instead of the usual "life in general" answer, I'll make it more interesting. RP. Jesus fucking holy Christ, I am over a year behind in SO MUCH because I just haven't had motivation, all the while plots have grown like mad. Thank god my partners are really damn patient, lol. And/or have other business, too. Do you ever re-arrange your room? No. I HATE moving/changing shit. Do you share a room with anyone? No. Who was your first roommate? Jason, Jacob, and Amanda. What season do you want to get married in? AUTUMN!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Frosting: chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate. Ice cream: chocolate or vanilla? Vanilla. Milkshake: chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate, more often. Do you drink protein shakes? EW that shit mad gross. What was the last type of candy you ate? Uhhhh what was it. I don't have candy a lot now, so uh... I think Airheads? What was the last craft project you completed? It was VERY weakly a "craft," but Sara's first Valentine's Day present. Which is better: starting things or finishing them? Finishing. I start things all the damn time and never finish them. What is the highest name-brand thing you own? Good question. What color GameBoy did you have as a kid? Red. What was your favorite GameBoy game? Hm. I liked a lot. We had a whole case of different ones. I suppose maybe the Spyro one I could never get far into. But I liked it anyway because yeah. Spyro. What was your favorite Backstreet Boys song? "The Call" probably tops the list, but also you're full of shit if you thought "Larger Than Life" wasn't a fuckin BANGER. Damn, "The Shape of My Heart" was great, too. BSB were/are just great, man. Did you ever wonder what it felt like to get slimed? Ha ha you mean like on Nickelodeon? Yup. Did you ever name a pet after an imaginary friend? I never had one. Do you believe in angels and demons? I don't know. I believe in spirits, but I don't know about actual angels and demons. Do you have a PayPal account? No. What race do you consider yourself? ... You can "consider" yourself a race? You don't get to pick that. Whatever, I'm Caucasian. Should unwanted animals in shelters be killed to make room? Fuck that shit. Should cows be killed for human food? See, this is why I want to return to vegetarianism. TECHNICALLY, no. It's murder upon a conscious, feeling, living being. But at the same time, humans are designed as omnivores, and surviving off of a plant-based diet is, sadly, extremely difficult. It's difficult to obtain the proper nutrients and their advised amounts to be healthy. Therefore, I can't confidently answer this question. I wish they didn't have to be, but human civilization would have an incredibly more difficult time continuing with all meat products removed for consumption. Does the technique used to kill an animal matter to you? I mean if I KNEW, yes, but at least from the research I've done, there's no real "humane" method used to kill livestock. Most live in awful conditions/are already unhealthy, too, and that should matter . Should farmers be allowed to cause suffering in animals to save money? Fuck off. Should production of medicines be justification to cause animals to suffer? No. We neeeeeeed to find other ways. Use pedophiles or some shit. Should violence against animals; such as rodeos/ bullfights be legal? Fuck to the hell no. I get some kind of dark pleasure out of hearing about shitheads being gored and stuff for it, honestly. Should homosexuals be allowed to work with children? This shit pisses me the fuck off. Of course they should be. Like I'm sorry, but your children aren't going to be hidden from them forever. Do you believe homosexuality is caused by genetics? Well yeah. You don't get to choose your sexuality; something has to be responsible. Are Americans are truly free, or suffering from controlled freedom? CONTROLLED FREEDOM JFC TRY TO DENY IT. Are there other countries that offer more personal freedoms? Not that I KNOW of. Like yeah, my above answer clearly states I think America could be better, but I don't know I place where it's actually better. Do you trust your government? Fuck no. They hide a lot of shit. Should religious beliefs outweigh science in the making of laws? Lolololololol no, hunny. Separation of church and state. What is one moment that you missed out on that you wished you didn’t? Hm. OH, that solar eclipse that happened I think last year? We saw nothing here. :< Do you or have you ever had braces? For a long time. Got them on, then didn't have the money to take them off for a while. Can you text? Yeah, but not quickly. I am - usually - very thankful for autocorrect. Have you ever had a nervous breakdown? OH BOY HAVE I!!!!!!!!!!!! What are you scared to death of? My mom dying, for one. I DO NOT know what would happen to me. Are you good at art? I'm told so at least; I'm aware I'm at least decent. It also depends on the art form. Are you afraid of needles? Nah. What TV show is the stupidest to you? I honestly had a really big problem (and have, if it's still even on) with the Teen Mom series. Yes, I do in fact believe it made looking like one cooler and more normal than it is. Do you hate being ignored? Yes; I start to think I'm not cared about, badly. Especially if it's family or "friends." Like no, I don't at all expect attention constantly, or even a lot of it, but I think it's only natural people who claim they love you should not pretend they don't know you, particularly when you actually reach out. THEN it hurts. Where do you currently live? North Carolina, please get me out. Do you like marijuana? I wouldn't know. Do you donate to charity? I can't. I seriously don't have money. Where is your favorite place to go out to eat? Olive Garden. What is your favorite TV station? Discovery. Do you think you’re clever? No. Did you wear socks today? No. I avoid wearing socks as much as I can. Know any magic tricks? I don't remember the ones I learned as a kid. Do you sleep well most nights? No. When’s the last time you baked a cake? Never. What’s your preferred frozen snack? Ice cream, yum. Do you work better in a clean or messy environment? CLEAN. It inspires me to do well and with an organized strategy. Do you know any vegans? I don't believe so. Earphones or headphones? I personally prefer earphones since they go into the ear and are just more comfortable than a weight on your head that can move easier. Do you like bananas? Yeah, but the timespan in which I enjoy them is short. They have to be "perfect." What’s a film you’ve seen that confused you? I know there are some, but none are coming to me curr- WAIT NO okay so I saw Warcraft when it came out into theaters, and I barely understood a single thing because the orcs' voices were way too deep. I need to rewatch it with subtitles. Do you ever wear black lipstick? I pretty much always do if I wear lipstick. What would you change about yourself appearance-wise? HEY can I Please fix my fucking weight??? Because I do like everything I can do already & nothing works??? :') How long do you normally spend in the shower? Just short of ten minutes, I think. If you were to get a tattoo, what would it say or what would the graphic be? *opens novel of ideas* Don't make me pick just one. When trick-or-treating as a kid, was there any kind of candy that you didn’t like to get? Tootsie rolls, ew. What is your favorite memory of Christmases past? The time my mom, sisters, and I went to a Christmas light show one night, and we got back to the car only to realize Mom left the keys in there. Sooo while we waited for my drunk dad and brother to come help us, we all chilled on the car's hood with chocolate covered peanuts and THE best hot chocolate. That place is no longer around, and I'll forever be mad tilted about it. What is the most outrageous thing you’ve done for God? Lmfao remember the days I denied evolution and gay rights? Them were the wild times. When you were in grade school, what did you want to be when you grew up? Why? First, paleontologist because I adored (and still adore) dinosaurs, then a vet as I wanted to help animals. In high school, it changed from movie director to game designer. Name the most famous person you’ve had a face to face encounter with. No one. If you could spend 15 minutes with any living person, who would it be and why? Um like have y'all ever heard of this guy named Mark Edward Fischbach because I have time to enlighten you of all the reasons- What article of clothing most closely describes your personality? Pj pants, lmao. Who was your hero when you were a child, and what did you do to be like them? Steve Irwin. I adore animals in general, push very firmly for conservation, and madly support proper education of wildlife, especially your local kinds. How did you learn to ride a bicycle? I had a bike with training wheels at first, then my dad took them off and would jog alongside me, holding the bars and then releasing them after a few moments for me to go on my own. Repeated 'til I got it! Based on something you’ve already done, how might you make it into the Guinness Book of World Records? This is going to be VERY embarrassing to share, but fuck it. I have so little reason to leave my bed that my legs have actually experienced muscle atrophy. My knees especially are extremely prone to awful pain when standing or walking. I don't really have a way to exercise in this tiny house, my road is too sketchy to walk along, and at least this time of year, I physically can't handle the heat if I was to walk in the back yard. I'm dying to go somewhere where I can swim to fix this shit. I could ramble on forever about how painful it is to be on my feet. I'd be happy enough with even just a treadmill. When was the last time you did something for the first time? What was it? Hm. I guess foreplay with a girl. I don't exactly experience new things much. What is your concept of a fruitful day? Actually doing productive shit. If you could rid the world of one thing, what would it be? Violence. What is your best personal characteristic? I am like, incredibly passionate. If I believe in something, you'll know. If I love something, it's to an insane degree. If you had to enter a competition for the “Most Uselessly Unique Talent,” what would your talent be? Being able to hide my thumb under my palm to where it looks like it's entirely non-existent lmao. What is your worst personality characteristic? I am VERY sensitive. I also have a hard time taking criticism without beating my ass up because I feel like I did something "bad." I don't get defensive, I just get hurt. Man, I could go on. There's a lot I don't like about myself. If you had to be a teacher of something, what would you teach? I'd be most interested in teaching science. How would you like to be remembered? I loved ferociously and spoke strong of peace. What is one thing that you constantly think about (other than material things)? The future. Does your country have free healthcare? *points at top five list of things America needs to fucking fix* Does your job allow visible tattoos? N/A How is your road rage? I drive so timidly and rarely that I don't think I really even have a clue. Who are your closest friends and how did you meet them? I'll exclude Sara as she's more than "a close friend." I don't have many close friends otherwise tho, so really... I think only Girt applies. We met in high school band. Well, then there's Alex, but considering she now acts like I don't exist as well, I don't know how close we really are. But anyway, we met in WoW because we were both camping the time-lost protodrake and talking w/ others in the general chat... but she and I really clicked. That was an awesome day. Started some damn adventures with her lmao. Are you still cool with any of your exes? The only two who may still have a problem with me are Jason and Tyler, but I have no bad feelings towards them. What Hogwarts House are you in? I took quizzes once for a survey because I was curious, but I couldn't answer most of the ones I found bc they had HP references I didn't get. But anyway, I think Hufflepuff and Gryffindor were pretty much tied. What’s the next special event in your life? Returning to school. :') Whose birthday is coming up soon? My nephew's. :''''') Do you delete people from Facebook if their views are vastly different than yours? It depends on the views and their severity. Usually I can handle averse opinions if you're actually a friendly person and composed and mature about what you believe and how you express that. What’s your favorite thing to put on bagels? Cream cheese. What’s the most important key on your key ring? I only have one, and that's to my house. What was the last argument you got in about and who was it with? AHAHAHAAHAHA okay so. There was a video on FB of a pet meerkat having its belly rubbed, and it was chirping happily. It was very cute, but especially because this video was on a big page, I commented how awful and unhealthy of an idea it is to have a pet meerkat for both it and yourself. It's illegal in a lot of places for good reason. I got a lot of agreement, but of course there was one imbecile who disagreed enough to tell me to shut the fuck up. Now I am normally very, very terrified of confrontation or even the HINT of it, but for once in my life I couldn't have been more unfazed. At what age did you start picking out your own outfits? I don't know. I've come to find via surveys that I can't really remember events by ages. How spicy do you like your food? Pretty spicy. Spicier than most like, but I don't enjoy it when it's just pure pain. What was the last really intense pain you felt? You know that awwwfuuuulll pinch of pain you sometimes get in your ribs when your lungs expand to a certain, small amount? That. I couldn't take deep breaths for anything. What is the best thing that’s ever happened to you? Recovery from the breakup. What are three things you have been a victim of? Uhhhh. Idk, nothing major. What is your passion? Wildlife conservation, probably more than anything. When was the last time you truly felt alive? Ha, good question. How many siblings do you have? Technically six, but I don't know one at all. Are you married? No. Are you dating someone? Yeah. If not, do you wish you were dating someone? N/A Do you want an indoor or outdoor wedding? I'm not sure. What states (or countries) have you lived in? Just one. Does your first crush know you liked them? No. Do you wish on stars? Nope. Are you happier now than you were 10 years ago? I don't know. I can't really remember exactly what I was like at 13. I think I'm maybe happier now? Are you happier now than you were 5 years ago? Yes. ^If not, why not? N/A ^If yes, why? My depression is under control. Do you live in your dream house? Definitely not. What was your first job? Sales clerk at GameStop. ^Did you like it? No, thanks to feral social anxiety. Have you been bullied? No, very thankfully. What do you wish people knew about you? I sincerely care about my loved ones, a lot, even though I have trouble being the one to reach out first. What health issues do you have? A lot. Don't even feel like putting them all together. Do you still cross paths with your first crush ever? No. What is your favorite Bible verse, and why? None. Do you have a secret nobody knows? Yes. It's nothing major, just little things I don't want to share. Who are some of the most selfish people you have ever met? I don't know. Is there anyone you want back in your life? Yes. What color was the house you grew up in? True shit, I somehow don't remember for sure. I think it was brick? What was the name of the first pet that you loved? Charcoal, a cat, was the first pet I had a serious, deep bond with. Do you receive more insults or compliments? Compliments, I guess. Do you meditate? No. Do you pray? No. Have you ever seen a spirit/ghost/shadowy figure, etc.? I've sure as hell seen something. What would you ask a genie for, if you had three wishes? World peace, end of disease, and the end of poverty. When someone messages you and you know it’s going to be rude, do you ignore it and not read it, or do you read it and reply? Honestly, most of the time, I ignore it. I am so, SO sensitive, so my feelings are super easily hurt by what others have to say. Do you find online drama stressful? Yes. Even more than irl drama because you have to wait painstakingly for them to reply, and you can't hear their tone of voice. How stressful is your life? I'm pretty damn stressed for someone who's trapped inside their house lmao. Was any of your home decor inspired by Pinterest? No. Do you do yoga? No. What is something you have tried and hated? Oral is NOT my jazz. Do you have regrets? Yeah. Are you mad at someone? No. What is this month’s calendar picture? I don't have a calendar. What is your last ex-boyfriend’s or ex-girlfriend’s name? Technically Donald. Do you have an ex-friend that you miss? Yep. What color do you want your wedding dress to be? Most likely black. Would you rather go out for pancakes or steak? Pancakes. I like them more in general, and I'm also suuuper picky with steak. What’s your favorite Ramen noodle flavor? The only kind I've ever liked is the Yakisoba brand of spicy chicken. How do you feel when you read the Bible, if you read it? Encouraged? Angry? I don’t read it. Have you ever suffered from anxiety? I had some anxieties as a little kid, and I was officially diagnosed with it in the 6th grade. Have you ever suffered from depression? Since the 7th grade. What is something a lot of people like but you don’t? Pie is what came to mind first. What’s an uplifting song you like to listen to? "High Hopes" by P!ATD. Think about the person you fell hardest for. Why do you think your feelings for this person were so strong? How is he/she different compared to everyone else you’ve had feelings for? Well, he was my first real love. They're always special. I was fucking crazy for him, and it grew to an unhealthy degree. Trust me, you can love too much. He made me happy when so few could back then, and we had a connection unprecedented in my whole life. He himself felt like my home. I could write you a goddamn novel on why I felt so strongly. Have you ever caught your friend cheating on their boyfriend/girlfriend? If you have, what did you do about it? If you haven’t, what do you think you would do? No. Quite honestly, I'd tell them. I could NOT keep that a secret. Whether they believe me or not, I'm not withholding that from them. When your last relationship ended, how long was it before you felt ready to think about being with someone else? I know this technically sounds bad, but Sara and I started dating the day after I broke up with him. One of the reasons we split is because I realized I liked her. It was so quick because I never had to "move on;" I never came to be truly interested in him romantically. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to sleep last night? Do you remember what you talked about? Sara and I were texting, but I don't remember about what. When are you at your happiest? When I'm with Sara. How many people have you kissed? Three or four. I don't really remember if I ever kissed Girt. How many of those people are you still friends with? Two. Where did you go, the last time you left your house? Mom and I went to multiple places. She had errands to run. Do you like your singing voice? Rarely. I think it fits only a few songs. Are most silences awkward for you? UH-HUH UH-HUH. Name someone you wish you had never met. Why? Jabari. He was scary and almost assaulted someone in my family. Who has the nicest singing voice, that you know personally? Probably Sara. Say something nice about someone you really don’t care for: He loves his kids to death. Ever won school awards? Yes. Do you drink more soda than anything else? Not anymore, thankfully. Do you curse a lot? I curse possibly more than anyone you know. Have you ever been in a courtroom? Yes. Do you eat a lot around Thanksgiving? No. I actually don't like 99% of Thanksgiving food. Were you a chubby child? No. Are you afraid to sing in front of people? Yes. Do you enjoy your family? Yeah. When did you last dance with someone? I forced Sara to last June lmao. Do you feel awkward watching sex scenes? VERY. Did you ever have senior photos done? No. Are your parents protective of you? Mom is for sure. I don't see my father much, and he's changed a LOT since the divorce, so I can't really answer for him. I know he is to some degree, I just don't know how much. Have you ever been bullied? I've had some mean shit said to me, but I don't believe I've ever really been consistently "bullied." Do you ever help decorate during the holidays? No. I just don't have the motivation and don't really care enough to put things up that're only coming down in two months. Do you have carpeted floors? Only my room and my sis's old one. Can you count to ten in another language? German, yeah. Have you ever been arrested? No. Do you always lock your door at night? Yeah. Do you get allowance? No, never did. Do you have a Facebook? Yes. Do you enjoy the presence of children? In most cases, no.

[currycurrie]

So I totally wanna hop aboard the Fjord multiclassing speculation. I just rolled out a new College of Whispers bard for myself and SWEET JESUS if this class wasn’t made for Fjord. Ya know, if Fjord takes a bit of a darker turn, and really leans into his high CHA. I’m sure someone has already mentioned this before, but I just wanna gush. 

So first off, Bards use CHA for spellcasting so it’s a no brainer for multiclassing purposes. I’m sure he would approve of the additional spell slots too, even if they’re weaker spells than his usual. 

Then we get the class feature Psychic Blades. This essentially is a paired down sneak attack. You spend a point of inspiration to add 2d6 psychic damage to a weapon attack. The number of dice go up as you level. It would really mix well with Hexblade, and he could do some crazy damage with the falchion. 

At this point, if Fjord only took Bard levels from here on out he’d only get to a max level of 11. Meaning, he’d only get two more Whispers specific class features. Those being:

Words of Terror - You learn to infuse innocent-seeming words with an insidious magic that can inspire terror. If you speak to a humanoid alone for at least 1 minute, you can attempt to seed paranoia in its mind. At the end of the conversation, the target must succeed on a Wisdom saving throw against your spell save DC or be frightened of you or another creature of your choice. 

This is already what Fjord does during any contentious negotiations. The guy creeping on Jester’s mom, the orcs messing with him and Caleb in the City of Beasts. Fjord relies heavily on intimidation tactics already, and this would give him a bit of extra oomph. 

Mantle of Whispers -  When a humanoid dies within 30 feet of you, you can magically capture its shadow. You can use the shadow as an action. When you do so, it vanishes, magically transforming into a disguise that appears on you. You now look like the dead person, but healthy and alive. While you’re in the disguise, you gain access to all information that the humanoid would freely share with a casual acquaintance. Such information includes general details on its background and personal life, but doesn’t include secrets. The information is enough that you can pass yourself off as the person by drawing on its memories.

I mean COME ON. I keep thinking back to when Fjord mimicked the awful guy in Nicodranas as an intimidation tactic. Fjord is already basically a magpie for personalities, why not take it to the next level? (Side note, really hoping he’s gonna take the actor feat at some point.)

My favorite Fjord moments are when he gets a little dark and terrifying, and I’d love to see him embrace that a bit more. Of course, this could mean some interesting and perhaps not so great things about his character arc should he choose this class. But then on top of all this you get all the usual great bard stuff like inspiration and jack of all trades etc. I think this could be a very fun option for Fjord, but also highly unlikely to me since he seems to be going a more godly route. Always fun to speculate, though!

[tanoraqui]

Genres of CR One-Shot, Ranked:

6. Normal D&D, DMed By a Non-Matt Person. (Eg, the Clasp game, Sam’s first game.) It’s fine. It’s good D&D, probably, in fact. But it’s not really what we’re here for.

5. Normal D&D, DM Matt or Other, with a Gimmick. (Eg, the goblins oneshot,* “Grog’s” game.) Inevitably both silly and fun. 10/10 would watch again as background noise.

4. Battle Royales. A+ quality thunderdome content, here. Who could forget iconic moments like Vex winking at Percy and then fucking killing him, or Tary camping in an invulnerable hamster ball for 10 turns, or the boys having a sniper duel while Scanlan and Keyleth try to Feeblemind each other, only for Scanlan to win the most Pyrrhic of Victories when he makes his save...and Keyleth can still Wildshape, and now she’s just a literal force of elemental nature with no restraints? Good times, good times.

3. One-Sheet Instruction Games Written by That One Guy. (Eg, Honey Heist, Crash Pandas.) Jesus I love these games. “Alacrity, chutzpah, ferociousness, and rotundity”...the man understands raccoons. I hope they do the punk rock youtube star mercenary killers one next. 

2. Normal D&D, Matt-DMed, Set in the World of a Video Game in which One of the Cast has Just Acted; Sponsored by That Game. (Eg, the orcs in Mordor game, the Kobolds&Catacombs game.) Would be ranked at 5 or 6 except that it’s just DELIGHTFUL to me that this is a valid and repeatedly-used marketing tactic. This all started as a single home game for a birthday party! Now these people are getting paid to play D&D by their usual jobs! Fiction is great, but every now and then, reality is even better.

1. Literal RPF. (Eg, LiamQuest, Thursday By Night.) No further comment.

*Might have been Pathfinder? But that wasn’t the point. Goblins were the point.