#one who had to learn to be tough as a defense mechanism

[shinidamachu]

the importance of "I'll protect you with my life"

For @inukag-week's sacrifice prompt, I thought I'd expand on a topic I have only mentioned before: the "I'll protect you with my life" line and why it matters even more than we give it credit for.

The thing about Inuyasha's character is that he was build — both physically and psychologically — to survive.

Physically, the fact that his own blood can be weaponized into a powerful attack backs up that assumption.

And so does the fact that one of his defining traits is having a defense mechanism that kicks in whenever he's on the verge of certain death with the sole purpose of keeping him alive.

Psychologically, his tough childhood shaped his survival instincts into a reliable and sharpened sense. And this next part is more of a conjecture than anything else, but I believe Izayoi's death plays a huge role here.

It can be assumed that she gave up a lot in order to live her love story and her life choices ultimately resulted in an early death. Inuyasha, being the child born from that love, has no better way of honoring her memory than living. First, for her. Then, to spite those who were against his very existence.

And this — conscious or not — need to live, is deeply intertwined with his desire to belong. Fitting in is the safest way to survive and, at first, he tried to achieve that by becoming a powerful demon.

Then, he went the opposite direction and agreed to turn into human, which only cements that his true wish wasn't to simply become one or the other at all, but to be accepted, so he could live.

That's why he doesn't take threats to his life laying down, especially when unearned. It may not look like, given his reckless way of dealing with things, but in a crooked way, Inuyasha actually values his life.

So much, in fact, that putting other people's lives above his own was a foreign concept that he struggled with at the beginning and had to learn in order to wield Tessaiga.

When Kagome tells Inuyasha she will help him with the sword under the condition he promises to protect her, she obviously never meant that said protection should cost of his life.

She wouldn't dream of it because she knows she's not entitled to it. He doesn't owe her anything. Although, one could make a point that he kind of does.

Kagome is literally the reason he is alive. Through their journey, is a recurring theme that her voice would bring him back from death's grasp every time. She's constantly saving his life. In more ways than one.

And despite Inuyasha's immediate reaction to her request being to mock her and making it clear that he never said he would protect her forever, he was the one to willingly and unpromtly add the "with my life" bit.

Even though protecting Kagome with his life was precisely what he had been doing the entire time — in spite of spending a good chunk of the series thinking his life wasn't his to give away —, to say it out loud makes for an amazing paralel and it shows how much they've grown, both as characters and as a couple.

But more than that: it shows a whole new level of devotion. For the first time ever, Inuyasha is chosing to promise his life to someone for no other reason than the fact that he loves her.

And despite talking about a lifelong commitment, I can't remember a single stance of the story where Inuyasha had acted more free.

No wonder the scene can be interpreted as a proposal.

[obsessedwithceleste]

The Slytherin Boys

As Deadly Sins

Ft. Draco Malfoy, Lorenzo Berkshire, Theodore Nott, and Mattheo Riddle

©️ obsessedwithceleste. all works posted here belong to me and should not be reposted or copied in any way or form.

Draco

Pride (noun) often a quality of extreme arrogance or dangerous overconfidence.

Pride was something that had been drilled into Draco from a young age

Take pride in your blood status

Take pride in your wealth

Take pride in the name Malfoy

And as an only child, Draco was treated as though he were a god among man

When Draco arrived at Hogwarts, his pride was perceived as arrogance by many, and as confidence by others

Not that he cared

He was above it all

In fact, Draco thrived on the attention, the whispers about him only feeding his ego

He had a constant need for validation, to prove that his pride was not misplaced, and to defend the things he was most proud of

Hogwarts was the first place Draco felt as though he was at risk of blending in

While he felt at home in Slytherin

(As if his parents hadn’t groomed him specifically to end up there)

He couldn’t help but begin to see clones of himself among the sea of green robes

While he enjoyed being part of a group for the first time in his life, he realized it also came with the threat of not being the best

Not being the center of attention

His legacy being lost within a sea of other students

Friends came with the risk of being overshadowed

And if there was one thing Draco knew, it’s that the Malfoy name would not be overshadowed

Because he was the best, and he’d be make sure everyone knew it

They were below him

Lorenzo

Envy (noun) a feeling of desire to possess what others have, often leading to resentment.

Envy was not a term most would associate with Lorenzo Berkshire

Many people were envious of him, sure

But what could someone who has it all

The looks, the Gringotts account, the status

What could they possibly be envious of?

Even Enzo himself didn’t really consider himself an envious person

Growing up he knew he had it better than most, not the perfect childhood by any means, but he knew it could’ve been much worse

It isn’t until reaching Hogwarts that the green tendrils of jealousy first began to seep in

It starts out slowly as he meets his first real group of friends

It doesn’t take long for him to be slotted into the role of the sweet one of the group

Though, given the group of boys he hangs around, it can be debated how much there is to be said about the title

Nevertheless, Enzo often hears the comments made by his classmates

Enzo is the nicest of the group, the most innocent, he wouldn’t hurt a fly, just a pretty boy

The weak link of the group

And compared to boys like Theodore Nott, Blaise Zabini, Mattheo- ever stoic, unfeeling

He realizes his kindness had been perceived as weakness

And that’s where his jealousy stems from

His desire to be seen like his friends

Tough, intimidating, powerful

His friends are the textbook definitions of a Slytherin, allowed to be mean, to be apathetic, because that’s what people expect from a Slytherin

But not him

No, he’s the nice one

That’s it

He wants to be taken seriously

And while he would never say it to his friend’s faces, Enzo is constantly watching, listening, as the bitterness slowly grows

Theodore

Sloth (noun) a lack of any feeling towards yourself or others, often giving rise to apathy.

Theo learned from a very young age that the best defense mechanism one could have, was to simply not care

Don’t care that your father ignores you

Don’t care that your mother is too weak to get out of bed

Don’t care that you’re alone

Block it out

No one could disappoint you if you didn’t care, and more importantly you couldn’t hurt yourself

Expectations only set one up to fail

Feelings would get you hurt

Theo brought this mantra with him to Hogwarts

Stone cold, emotionless

It was something his friends came to expect from him

And something that Theo learned to embrace

Because when you removed emotions, consequences didn’t seem to matter all that much

Sure he cared about his friends

At least he thought he did

But when it came down to it he couldn’t quite find it in himself to care

To really form connections

Why would he?

Alliances were fine, some could call it friendship

But truly caring about people? That made you weak

That was asking to get hurt

Why put in the effort to open yourself up to disappointment?

Simply existing was fine in Theo’s book

Don’t care about others, don’t let others care too much about you

Simply exist

Mattheo

Wrath (noun) extreme anger.

Anger was all Mattheo had ever really known

Anger, rage, fury

Didn’t matter what you called it

All Mattheo knew was that it boiled inside of him

He’d never been the best at expressing himself

Bottling up his emotions until it felt as though he would suffocate under the weight of them all

But he knew how to express anger

Anger was fast, violent, easy

And he let it consume him

There wasn’t a week that went by where Mattheo’s knuckles weren’t bruised, bloodied, or both

His anger was his release

He used to let the rage simmer, slowly waiting until it all exploded out of him in a flurry

But now it seemed he was a ticking time bomb

Just waiting for something to set him off

He didn’t think of himself as a bad person

Maybe he was

But it was as if he couldn’t control it

The fury simply taking over until suddenly he was calm again

He knew it scared a lot of people

His anger instilled fear

And for some reason, he liked it

His rage gave him power

Maybe not the kind he would’ve once liked

But power nonetheless

I tried to be serious and angsty with varying degrees of success

[kakiastro]

Who’s your Future Spouse ? Detailed 18+ reading

Hey y’all! It’s been so long since I made a intuitive post but I’m back! This reading is all about who you are going to marry or just be in a committed relationship with.

Disclaimer: please know that this is just a general reading and for entertainment purposes only. We all have free will so take what resonates and leave the rest.

Now take 3 deep breaths. Pick which animal you feel called too. If it’s more than one then that’s okay.

🦌🐅🐘

🦌

Physically: deep round light brown or hazel eyes(prominent feature) have a youthful face. Small build, lightweight muscular, light brown shaggy hair and beard. Big smile, there’s something noticeable about their hands so it can be a tattoo, a scar or birth mark. Wears casual clothes especially sweaters

Personality: chilled laid back person. They’re more on the introvert side but loves to talk once they’re comfortable with you. I feel like their low key nerdy, like for example,you wouldn’t expect them to be huge Star Wars nerds first talking them until they reveal they own collectibles😅. I wouldn’t call this person a stoner per say but they don’t mind hitting a blunt every once in a blue moon😅they also love nature and I’m seeing a hiking bag so they could have an adventure side to them as well. I feel like some of you all are interested in astrology and they’re going to love hearing you teach them about it. Im hearing they love Greek mythology. This person loves learning things as well. They’re readers. This person gives me Taurus and Gemini vibes. They love food especially street food. They’re not confrontational but they will step up if need be “I’m not with the drama but don’t get it twisted, I got these hands.” Is what I heard. If you ever seen the tv show euphoria, your person reminds me of Fez a little bit lol.

Career hobbies: im hearing they love jogging or running. They love to paint as well. Im hearing they don’t have career per say but they do have ambitions. Im hearing freelance or one day owning some type of business (im seeing a gym) I do want to point out that this is the current energy they are in so when you 2 actually meet, they may be established in their chosen field

Sexually: very sensual in bed, they love the late night cuddles and conversations after y’all have sex. They don’t mind doing it whenever but at the same time they’re not in a rush either. Very chilled person like I said. they have a nice butt. If you’re interested in men then their 🍆 is long and slightly curved. If your interested in woman, they may have some hair down there

Astrological: Mercury, Taurus, Gemini, some Sagittarius as well

Letters: D, M, L, Y (First, Middle, Last name) or nick name

Overall your person sounds dope too me deer pile, I hope you enjoyed your reading

🐅

Physically: fine as hell! intimidating look at first. May have resting bitch face😅 I’m hearing covered in tattoos, they love tribal and quote type of tattoos. They have an intense stare, they can see your soul type of stare. They’re tall and muscular, they take care of their body. They have deep dimples that you can see when they’re talking. They’re very confident but not arrogant with it. Here’s the the thing, they’re attractive and they know it😅 they dress nice and love to wear suites or athletic wear. Classy gentleman vibes. They have dark brown panther type eyes, google panther eyes and that’s how your Fs stares at you🔥clean cut hair but when it grows out, it’s really curly. They’re not really a smiley type person but when they do, their smile lights up a room.

Personality: “all my life I’ve had to fight” is what I heard. I’m going to be honest here and say that y’all Fs has been through some traumatic things in their life!! This is why they carry this tough, intimidating persona, it’s a defense mechanism. The have a hard time opening up to people due to past betrayals especially with lovers. The good news is that they’ve been working on some healing. I do feel like when they meet you, they’re going to really start taking their healing seriously because they want to be the best person they can be for you🥹they’re very protective of loved ones as well not just physically but emotionally as well. “If someone hurts you, then I’m hurting them real talk” is what I heard. Your person sort of reminds me of Jax Teller from sons of anarchy. The bad boy /bad girl with heart of gold type of vibe. They’re big romantics as well, loves date nights and very funny. Sort of a jokester (especially dirty jokes)

Career/hobbies: they love working out, playing cards, camping, traveling is a big one Im seeing. They’re very proud of their family roots; I’m hearing Italian descent. So they may love traveling their family ancestral place. For career, they work in some corporate type of work. Hence why their wearing suits a lot lol. I’m hearing entrepreneurs so they may own a business. They love this type of work because it’s competitive and they’re competitive lol

Sexually: Whew Chile!! I hope you guys have lots of stamina because this person is very sexual omg! Your Fs works a lot so when they do have time for you they want to do everything with and too you. Now I’m blushing🫣 they’re open to do all positions. They’re favorite is missionary, not because they’re boring but because they want to look you deep in your eyes while they’re in you👀, they trying to snatch your soul and you’re going to let them. I heard “Make you lose your breath with each stroke” There’s a deep spiritual connection between you 2 so the sex is fire and otherworldly. They love to go down on you as well. If you’re interested in men/masc then they have a big 🍆, if you’re interested in women (fem) then they have nice breast.

Astrological: Mars, Aries, Capricorn with some Libra energy

Letters; T, V, D, B (first, middle, last name) or nickname

Well that was hot pile 2, I need a drink of water after that😂 I hope you enjoyed it tigers

🐘

Physically: I’m hearing this person has a very gentle aura about them. They feel like a warm fireplace with hot cocoa during a winter storm. I feel so relaxed. They’re medium height. Pillsbury doughboy just came to my head so they might be on fluffy side which is good for cuddling. Round face and brown curly hair and beard. Watery blue eyes, they may wear glasses(im not sure if it’s for reading or everyday use) big hands and feet😜, they love to wear sports jerseys. They have dimples and you can really see them when they laugh. They also have rosey cheeks and they blush a lot

Personality: this person is very shy, I’m having a hard time picking things up about them because they’re so hesitant. They may have been bullied growing up so it’s hard to open for them.🥹 They’re very much homebodies but don’t mind going out every now and then. They’re very much in a bubble and only those that’s in this bubble with them can see their true personality. I am hearing that they love watching and discussing movies. They’re great listeners. They’re more of a listener than a talker but they will carry a convo with you. They love their family, especially their mom. Very protective over them. Their a very family oriented person. Im sorry y’all, I’m not getting much here, their very private person.

Career/hobbies:watching and discussing movies, loves to cook (that was a big thing I received from y’all Fs) , watching sports. For career Im hardly getting jack squat😅Im only picking up on writer so they could be that

Sexually; very emotional connection when having sex. They’re pleasures rather than receivers. Your Fs sees sex as a bonding experience more than just a “hey let’s have sex” type of way if that makes sense. I’m not going to go furthur because they’re so private and shy compared to the other piles. I want to respect that. I’m hearing “I promise I’ll do my best to make sure they’re pleased.”

Astrological : Moon and Venus. Cancer, Pisces Aquarius and some taurus energy

Letters: B,R,A, D, H (first, middle, last name) or nickname

Hey I hope you all enjoyed my post ! Make sure to follow and share my content if you want to see more. Thank you!

[bonny-kookoo]

Jungkook x Reader/ Yoongi x Jimin

𝓢𝔀𝓮𝓮𝓽 𝓣𝓸𝓸𝓽𝓱 [Teaser]

Yoongi and Jimin are each proud owners of hybrids, and these days, slowly falling in love with one another. And everything could be so perfect- if it wasn't for you absolutely resenting Jungkook- for no reason?

Tags/Warnings: Human!Yoongi, Human!Jimin, Rottweiler hybrid!Jungkook, Cat hybrid!Reader, Enemies to friends to lovers, mentions of past traume, some Yoonmin here and there oops, Main story focus are MC and Kook though

Length: ~850 words

Read Here!

♥━━━━━━━━━━•.♡.•━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

"But she hates me!" Jungkook complaints, as he stands in the cabin Yoongi is currently unloading the groceries in. "There's no way she'll sleep in the same room as me." He huffs, and Yoongi sighs.

"Well, she has to learn. I already talked to Jimin about it-" He says, putting everything into a box that doesn't have to be stored in the fridge. "-and he agrees that he's spoiled her quite a bit until now. She needs to learn to be a bit more independent." He explains calmly, though he's internally very well aware of your distaste for his dog hybrid. He knows exactly why- but he also respects Jimin's decision to not tell Jungkook anything about your past trauma, claiming that that's something you need to tell, no one else.

And Yoongi agrees with that- but he also feels for Jungkook, who's been really trying to make you warm up to him. He already struggles to find friends due to his intimidating hybrid side and sometimes rather chaotic personality. Seeing you so defensive against him does clearly hurt, no matter ho much Jungkook tries to play it off.

But for once, Yoongi also wants to be a little selfish. He wants to spend time with Jimin, alone time away from you both, just to properly figure out where he truly wants this to go from here on out. It's why he's organized this trip in the first place. To find out if this could truly work out.

And he fears, deep down, that it won't. Because if you and Jungkook don't get along, there's no way Yoongi can ever be happy with Jimin.

A few hours away from the Cabin Yoongi and Jungkook are already setting up, you're pouting next to Jimin in the car, slumped down and with your arms crossed. "Making that face won't make me turn around, princess." Jimin says, voice light- but inside, he's torn. This is going to be tough for you, considering that you're gonna have to stay with Jungkook during the night- and the poor dog hybrid has no idea that you don't actually hate him. You don't hate at all, in fact.

Your defense mechanism when confronted with something you fear however, is to lash out. And that is most of the time taken out of context, making you appear rude and arrogant, when in reality you're just trying not to seem weak or vulnerable.

Because in the past, that would immediately make you the perfect target. Pushed aside and scolded for everything that wasn't ever your fault in your first home, used as a punching bag for other hybrids in the shelter later on, you had to somehow make up a tough façade so you wouldn't end up in those positions ever again. You learned to keep yourself safe by being the one who bites first- and it took Jimin years to truly gain your full trust.

He fears that that's all you can do though. That he's going to forever stay the only person of comfort for you.

And that's an issue. While he himself had been a bit defensive about his treatment of you with Yoongi, he knows that the older man is right. Jimin has been wrapping you in layers of bubble wrap, has spoiled you and nursed your bad habits into what they are today simply because he always saw the scared, shaking hybrid back at the shelter.

But that's not you anymore. You technically have no reason to be scared of anything anymore- but Jimin understands now, after talking numerous times about it with Yoongi, that he's partially at fault for your lack of social skills.

Jungkook had come from a good household- had been raised well, so Yoongi had never really experienced anything like Jimin did with you, but nonetheless, his advice still counts, and is still valid.

You need to learn at some point. You have to realize that there's nothing to fear anymore- and that Jungkook isn't an enemy ready to eat you alive in your sleep.

"Come on, stop pouting now, hm?" He tries, running a hand over your head once at a red light. You just look out the window. "Is Jungkookie that scary?" He asks, and you shake your head.

"He's dumb." You deny, putting your legs up and onto the seat.

"Hey.!" He scolds gently. "Jungkook isn't dumb. He's trying hard, okay? You could be at least civil with him, sugar." He tells you, and you sigh at that, leaning against the door.

"I don't want to." You say defensively, tail angrily flopping around. "You just say that because you wanna be with Yoongi." You huff.

"Partially, I admit that." Jimin nods. "But I also agree with him that you need to be nicer. Jungkookie is really trying to be friends with you, you know?" He sighs.

"I don't care.." You mumble to yourself, angrily looking out the window. You know that Jungkook isn't a threat- but he's still scary to you. He's tall, and a lot of muscle, and he's loud, and energetic, and just.. scary. Intimidating. Potentially dangerous. And that potential alone is enough to make you feel threatened.

Jungkook and Yoongi are currently ruining your perfect life you had with Jimin. So you've got enough reason to be absolutely pissed.

[hey-hey-j]

17, 32, 33, 37 for the character ask game?

Branch

character ask game!

.

17. Quotes, songs, poems, etc. that I associate with them

this, lol

32. Something guaranteed to make them smile/laugh

we don't have to go digging very far for this one, we can thank canon: it's Poppy's kindness

for as neutral as I am about Broppy I do genuinely think Branch's affection for her is really sweet, both platonically and romantically

even before they were together, she was the only person who never gave up on him, no matter how many times he pushed her away....

33. Something guaranteed to make them cry

oofgh, this one's a little bit harder, because I don't think that Branch is much of a crier under normal circumstances. Even as a little kid when he literally witnessed his grandma getting eaten, even when he thought Floyd had just died in his arms, we don't see him shed any tears, do we? It's not that he's "tough" or that he just "doesn't cry," it's more like.... he's used to compartmentalizing his emotions as a defense mechanism against his own trauma?

it's when things get to be too much at once and those walls break down that he also breaks down. Back during his grey days, in the depths of his isolation and depression and paranoia, when his thoughts and feelings had nowhere to go but back into himself.....

alternatively I don't think he's immune to getting misty-eyed watching cheesy feel-good rom coms with Poppy

37. What they really think about themselves

For Branch, his self-image is in constant flux. Every day, his perception of himself changes, from the paranoid loner no one likes to the troll everyone leaves behind, to the imperfect person Poppy loves, to the brother who brought his family back together. He thought he was sure of who he was back when he was stuck in his bunker, but then he left that isolated world and realized he could be so much more if he just let himself.

and at the end of the day, the only thing he knows for certain is that he's Branch, and Branch is nervous and cautious and always prepared for the worst, but Branch is also kind and sarcastic and willing to go way, way out of his comfort zone for the people he cares about, because he is capable of caring for people. So much. He's a big ol' culmination of everyone who's ever played a part in his life and he's still learning to accept himself exactly as he is, flaws and all, but he's getting there. And so far, he's pretty darn happy with himself.

[aspd-culture]

@brandon666

First off, you have some *really* inaccurate ideas of what ASPD is. Do you think we can survive in the world acting like you expect me to act? Far more often, pwASPD appear detached and callous rather than actively hostile the way you're saying. We aren't 12 year old kids on Xbox Live voice chat, * s p o o k y voice* we are all around you. You wouldn't be able to pick most of us out of a crowd, even if you had direct interaction with us. In fact, a running joke here and in my real life is that people often tell pwASPD "don't worry, I can sniff out a s*ciop*th a mile away" or similar not realizing they're talking shit about us to our face.

There *are* pwASPD who are still entirely valid who act the way you're saying - and also plenty of prosocials who behave like that too. But it isn't all of us, all the time. Most of us are capable of and maybe even prefer to be cool, calm, and calculated about how we speak and act because of the trauma we have.

Unlike people on TV like Dr. House, there are real life consequences to the behavior you describe, and many of us strive not to be happy, but for life to be as convenient as possible. Kinda hard to get convenience while you're pissing everyone off. Ever heard the part of ASPD where they mention we are manipulative and charismatic? Yeah that isn't exactly compatible with being crass, careless, pranking, or offensive. Careless actually specifically bothers me because we are often said to "play a social chess game" with people we talk to. Many of us are extremely calculating and overly cautious. And many of us aren't, but it certainly isn't like you're saying all the time. Even pwASPD who *do* act like that usually are calm and "respectful" sometimes.

Also, I never claimed to be unmasked on this blog. Most of the time, I am absolutely masking to some degree - although much less than IRL. You can actually see that in the tags, I use "a rare unmasked aspd-culture" as a joke about this fact. Whilst this is a safe place for other pwASPD to unmask if they'd like, my posts on this blog are different. My side of this is helping educate people - prosocial, antisocial, whoever - if/when they have questions for me about ASPD which is fairly frequent. This isn't to say I am not ok with unmasking here, like I said it's happened before, but consider the context of what's happening.

I'm often asked genuine questions about ASPD, some of which are ableist (almost always on accident!) and many of which are based on extremely common misconceptions. If I were to unmask while answering those, I would end up being really shitty to people who are trying to learn - often people who want to do better for the pwASPD in their life, or for themselves. We talk about coping mechanisms and the development of ASPD a lot here; with those topics there is little room for my unmasked behavior *and* education. If I were to unmask while answering, no one would be getting anything out of asking those questions even if I was providing info because it's hard to take in new information from someone when they're being defensive or hostile.

I don't want to be hostile towards them, I want to help because if ASPD is ever going to be destigmatized, someone has got to answer their questions and help show them what it is and what it isn't! We can't expect prosocials to fend for themselves in the cesspool of stigma that the typical google results on ASPD show - someone has to help them. And since one of my special interests (something autistic ppl like myself have and love to infodump about) is mental health, especially my own disorders, I am happy to be one of the people they can ask these sometimes tough questions to.

I am also helping pwASPD! Many questions I get are people trying to understand their own disorder or the disorder they think they might have. It sucked for me, learning this all on my own (and I'm still learning too), so I can use the cognitive empathy I've taught myself over the years and remember the feelings I went through when I was trying to find unbiased info.

There's a transaction here - a major part of ASPD if you didn't know - I calmly and respectfully answer people's questions, and the world becomes slightly less ignorant and we get a slight amount of progress on destigmatizing this disorder. That makes my life easier too. In the process, I see many culture asks that remind me I'm not alone in this. Often, posting those gives me some catharsis, and you will sometimes see me going off in the tags about what I've dealt with. But for the most part, I'm giving other pwASPD an open space to unmask as well as to ask questions to someone who will, 95% of the time, give a masked and respectful answer. Friendly is a stretch tho lol unless you missed the original post about the syscourse that you commented this on.

So yeah, long and short, you're definitely missing something here and that's ok. Just learn and do better. I know you might see that as another thing that is flying in the face of ASPD or whatever, but it's no skin off my back if you think I have ASPD or not, and anyway I'd rather you just learn and maybe next time someone says something like that to/around you about ASPD, you'll have the knowledge to correct it. Spreading info is an exponential situation - once I tell you guys things, some of you will inevitably tell someone else that, and so on and so forth until a good handful of people now know things about ASPD they didn't before. If not, oh well. I got to infodump and see relatable posts that made me feel seen.

Either way, it's been, and hopefully will continue to be, a net positive. You are absolutely welcome to keep this dialogue going if you have questions, want clarification, are enraged that I gave you a calm response, whichever. Even if you don't get anything out of this, someone else seeing it might.

I'll really fuck with you now - I genuinely hope you have a good day.

[ichangemyusertoomuch]

from your post about torchwood character analysis - do you have anything to say about owen? about his death maybe? or his dynamics with other characters?

personally I think Owen's progression is so ignored! many people really don't like him, and I think that's because they buy into his "mean guy" front too much, right from the start, when I prefer to see that as shield of some sorts.

chronologically: his childhood? sucked. in season two, episode five 'Adam', he talks about his mother, claiming that she said that she "didn't have to like him in order to love him". straight off the bat - what the hell - we see that she clearly was some form of abusive. presumably in an emotional manner, by not caring at all and being neglectful. therefore, possibly being a stem for his almost attention-seeking behavior (specifically in season one), where he acts 'mean' in order to get a reaction from others. alternatively it could suggest his self-neglect, as he doesn't actually look after himself, as shown through the means of sexual relationships without any long-term point.

the reason for this??

KATIE! his fiance. the one who literally died of an alien parasite before they could get married. in season two, episode twelve 'Fragments', we see a chunk of his backstory, before he became this 'selfish jerk'. I think that he was a really normal dude, genuinely in love. and the way that that relationship became an absolute trainwreck really mentally damaged him, the way he sees the world, the way he sees love and relationships. I think that kind of loss absolutely destroys a person and hence, as a defense mechanism to avoid the world from hurting him again: he decided to be an extremely unlikable idiot.

in 'Adam' Owen is stripped of his cool-ness and turns into - not many ways to put this - a needy geek. in a deleted scene I found on YouTube (I'll tag the series of deleted scenes below, it's somewhere in that vid), he calls his mother and tries to arrange meeting up with her. that is the only time we ever see him talk to her, and he's very much not himself: he's weaker and so he's dropped the emotion floodgates, calling his mother even though she hurt him. therefore, I feel that Owen isn't actually the jerk he pretends to be. supported by how literally just before he dies (for the final time), he reverts to being a normal person. his plain and sweet self. (which entirely heartbreaking, but I had to add that in, for his depth, my apologies everybody)

he had the affair with Gwen at the peak of the not-caring-about-anybody phase and really seemed to end up regretting it. he and Gwen (as friends) are really sweet, their vibes match so well and I love how they basically have a sibling dynamic.

as for Jack, well, Jack has this amazing power how everyone in Torchwood remains good friends no matter what. Owen shoots Jack? "I forgive you". Ianto shoots Owen? they're friends again in season two. and so I really do think that Jack and Owen are friends. they have trust. a lot of trust, but there is friction (look at the season one finale, for god's sake). Jack resurrected Owen because he emotionally wasn't ready to give him up, and that may have ended up being a selfish move because of how crushing it was on everyone involved.

the zombie arc was a massive challenge and he conquered it so incredibly. from episodes 9-13 (season two) he was fine, give or take the sarcastic comment. in season two, episode eight 'A Day in the Death', Jack provides nothing but tough love to Owen. being what he needed but didn't exactly want.

when Owen died fully in episode thirteen he was ready to stop living like he was. a walking corpse. he did not want to die, but he knew that his insanely fragile existence wasn't worth it.

in conclusion, I think Owen's progression is immaculate. he learns to drop the tough guy brick wall to the point where he has actual two way friendships. although, I do wish he'd had the date with Tosh. although I understand why it wasn't going to happen. they're destined away from each other. (maybe how Owen is destined to find anything but happiness)

thank you for reading, if you made it to here you're a real one 💪

the deleted scene:

[confused-n-queer]

So a video about Beastars gave me feelings

I just came back to this video about a year after having first watched it simply because it was in my recommended feed and I needed something to listen to and well I have left with a new litmus test for my internal growth. I feel how much my connection to the story being woven my both the creator of the video and the author of Beastars has changed in only one year. I have struggled a lot with my own sexuality gender and overall sense of self throughout my life and am only now feeling the chapter on my adolescence come to a close. When I first saw this video and read the manga I identified very strongly with Haru. Her perceived weakness as a rabbit mirrored my own having grown up as a short,unusually skinny girl with undressed health issues. I was often mad and unable to express it since my anger was seen as cute, nonthreatening, and pathetic. Any attempts at my beliefs or anger being taken seriously and being seen as an equal to my peers was met with jokes and threats. Haru's tough abrasive nature towards people she perceives as a potential threat is a defense mechanism I shared with her. I like many girls has been subjected to both what I would call aggressive sexualization, sexulization through direct comments about our clothing, bodies and behaviors as well as leering, cat-calling and all the other various degrees of sexual assault I don't wish to discuss and what I would call passive sexuialization which is the everyday messaging we received from family peers and media, aka everything from your mom telling you to put on a shirt and cover up long before you had breasts to the comments made by aunts about how "slutty" a girl walking down the street looked. My response to this was repressing my desires burring my longing to be a confident sexual being. To bury my desire to wear the short shorts and skirts and bra-less styles of the early 00's I saw modeled on my dolls and a few older girls. I wanted to be like Haru, or at least posses the sexual freedom and confidence people believe she has. Instead I felt I had to hide my burgeoning sexuality behind a screen. Instead of healthy experimentation with my peers I was introduced to sex through men far older than me online because I knew romance,dating and sex was "wrong" and "not something a girl my age thought about". So I hid full of shame so strong it nearly led me to end my own life. The craziest part, I wasn't raised in an exceptionally conservative home. My family was pretty normal, hell I was given books about puberty and was told, once, after years of pestering (something I never did as I was, in retrospect and due to trauma, a disturbingly obedient child something I'll touch on later) what sex was and was sort of permitted to learn about sex from a scientific perspective. It wasn't until my freshman year of collage that I began to unlearn all of my shame and allow myself to be and accept myself as a sexual being, you know the thing I should've been allowed to do and that most people do while going through puberty. I joined a production of RHPS and drove over an hour to the main campus and back every week to rehearse for a show where being sexual was a given, and where the words that had been embedded into my chest were shouted without malice. It was a place where "slut" and "queer" weren't dirty they just were. I had my first kiss a few months before my 19th birthday with a girl who was so kind to me and who treated me with such sincere affection and respect that I as I write this am left sobbing thinking of all she did for me. I wish I could reach out to thank her without it being weird or potentially harmful since we haven't talked since the pandemic forced a weird mutual ghosting breakup a few months into our relationship and I don't know her current situation.

I was also always "playing nurse" (of both the standard and psych-ward variety) for friends,family and strangers due to trauma and my ability to do so like Haru but in the words of John Mulany "We don't have time to unpack all of that." so I'll leave it at that.

This time around I related to Legoshi so much it hurt. My struggles in the past year or so have been much more focused on my liberation as an adult, to be myself, to learn who I am, to move freely and to demand respect for myself and others. Which of course means the issues around my gender and sexuality (but mainly my gender) came back with a vengeance so the queerness of Legoshi et all hit very hard. The past year has been an odd meeting of my old self destructive habits meeting new healthier ones.

On the bad side I had al breakdown, multiple depressive episodes, stressed myself to the point of worsening a tic disorder i didn't know i had, neglected my health, fed into my eating disorders as well as my internalized ableism, homophobia and transphobia.

On the good side I attended concerts alone and with friends, decorated my room for the first time, bought sex toys, went on dates, dressed how I wanted to, dyed and shaved my hair without asking for permission (which was extra important since my hair was the one feature I was never allowed to mess with), and worked hard to fight my body issues and eating disorders which I'm happy to say as of right now I looked into the mirror for the first time in 10 years and liked my reflection despite my body dysmorphia. All things my therapist had to give me permission to do because, like Legoshi and all the other canines in the series I was made, through my natural disposition and a dash of abuse, to be obedient to my own detriment. I'm not joking when I say the whole " a canine told to wait will wait until it dies" section is accompanying me to therapy this week and is joining my "therapeutic media metaphors I use to describe my traumas,feelings and behaviors to other people" folder.

So...yeah...people change and this video was and will probably remain a very important part of my life.

Edit: Adding onto this but also like coming back to this video as someone who's currently educating themselves on queerness after years of feeling like "ah yes I understand myself and my own sexuality and gender. This is fascinating anyways. Perhaps I'll read this manga as a cathartic work to analyze but not really dig into because I don't need to do that right now/that's not the purpose it serves right now. It serves the purpose of allowing myself to confront other stuff and like a thing despite it's stigma as weird furry shit because people can't understand the merits of using non human characters to explore human topis including sex without getting all weird"

[swaps55]

I feel like I know the gang so well, they're family. I found myself chuckling and answering most of those questions for myself. But surprise surprise, I'd love to hear your music picks (number 9 on the OC meme) for Aslany and Pendergrass.

Also, um, number 1 if you're feeling generous.

Thank you!!!!

Edgy OC Ask Meme

9. Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC

Kara Pendergrass: Ha, this actually isn’t an easy answer because her vibe is so different from the other characters that I don’t often listen to music that evokes her specifically. She is a determined ray of sunshine, not out of any driving act to put kindness in the world, but as a defense mechanism. If you don’t take anything too seriously or hold it too close, no one can hurt you with it. Because she serves as my earthborn “Shepard,” so-to-speak, she’s also someone who learned very young that you might not get a tomorrow, so get your kicks today. And that’s why I like this one: 

Hey child, hey child We were born wild Let your neon lights Keep shinin' bright

(Though I thought really hard about “Boom,” by the same artist, for obvious reasons XD)

Muriel Aslany: I have a similar problem with Aslany, because she just doesn’t quite lend herself to my usual writing aesthetic of “sad dude playing a guitar,” but I heard BURNS' cover of ‘Ho Hey’ while I was working on the latter part of Fugue, and then promptly went off and wrote the scene where Aslany will finally see Sam again after the reaper war. I love this song for her, because the cover is infused with so much wistfulness and longing, and as hard as she is on the outside, that’s the inner Aslany. Someone who desperately wants to belong, but doesn't know how.

I been tryin' to do it right I been livin' a lonely life I been sleepin' here instead I been sleepin' in my bed, sleepin' in my bed So show me family All the blood that I will bleed I don't know where I belong I don't know where I went wrong But I can write a song

The Lumineers version of the song has always felt like a ‘Yang song in general to me because of the lines, “So show me family, all the blood that I will bleed.” That whole bunch is a group of misfits who needed family. They found it in one another, and it’s worth bleeding for.  

1. What memory would your OC rather just forget?

This is a tough question for both of them, because I’ve almost purposefully let their past histories stay a little murky. Both of them have childhoods they try not to think about. I have a lot of daydreams about Sam, Kaidan, Aslany, and Pendergrass hanging out at the orchard doing dumb shit like climbing trees and having chicken fights in the lake after the war, because they all had interrupted childhoods and I like the idea of them having the chance to reclaim them – together.  

[marjaystuff]

Interview with Pamela Fagan Hutchins

The Detective Delaney Pace series is a modern-day western thriller. She can be described as a vigilante with a badge. People should read all the books starting with Her Silent Bones, then Her Hidden Grave, Her Last Cry, with the latest, Her Forgotten Shadow. The character Delaney Pace is street tough, tenacious, intelligent, and steps up to the plate to become a mother to her two adopted daughters, Kateena and Carrie. As with all these books the crime thriller is based on the abuse of women and will keep readers on the edge of their seats. The plot is action packed, fast paced and a page turner.  

Elise Cooper: How did you get the idea for the series?

Pamela Fagan Hutchins:  I have a friend that is a former ice-road-truck driver who must drive in horrific weather. My editor wanted me to write a tough female detective. I live in Wyoming, which is where my friend also lives. I thought how I could match a homegrown Wyoming tough woman that developed some special skills by being an ice-road-trucker and changes a career to become a Sheriff deputy. I chose Wyoming because I was already writing other books with this setting and knew readers wanted more Wyoming books. 

EC:  What is an ice-road-trucker?

PFH: There are ice roads through Canada and the Dakotas where they are open a couple of months a year, in the very depths of winter. People use these roads to get across which would otherwise be water. 

EC: Was there a common theme throughout the four books?

PFH: I like to think about the setting, the people, and the timeframe. I wanted to write books that included the modern West.  What would uniquely happen there, something culturally appropriate. I also look for a new way to kill people and how to solve the murder. I think of books in threes.  The first three books dealt with Delaney’s brother. The next three books will emphasize the impact on her regarding the loss of her mother. 

EC:  Do you think your books are modern Westerns?

PFH:  For me, yes.  The characters have a rugged individualism, embrace their neighbors, and never shrink away from hard work in the Rocky Mountain West. They are cowboy-like. The setting and the culture are western. 

EC:  Each of the books has abuse of women, please explain.

PFH: The way I approach the bad guys is to have them have a reason for the brutal way they treated women, and to make sure the crime was a balance between protecting sensibilities with a sense of fear. If Delaney was not a deputy, she would be a vigilante. The bad guys deserved what happened to them. I am not a fan of unlikeable protagonists and unreliable narratives. This is a western sensibility in that the good guys should retain their goodness, and the bad guys are bad.

EC:  How would you describe Delaney?

PFH: She is inspired by my friend who has mechanical aptitude, mental toughness, ruggedness, and a soloist.  She has knowledge of the area since she already grew up there. These help in her career as a deputy. Delaney is a risk-taker, calm in a crisis, direct, protective, prickly, has a sense of humor, sarcastic, stoic, defensive, and has a sense of justice. She is very outdoorsy. 

EC: How has Delaney’s backstory affected her?

PFH: What drives her is being abandoned as a child after her mother left and her father was killed. This informs a lot of her life choices.  She has the attitude no one else will have a chance to hurt me. 

EC:  How would you describe the two girls, Kateena versus Carrie?

PFH: Kateena is sassy, loyal, and proud of her Aunt Delaney. Carrie had to overcome abuse, has control issues, and is a “gamer.” She has become more of a live gamer, learning to drive the big rig. Carrie was originally a video gamer because it was an escape mechanism for her where she was able to control this imaginary world. 

EC:  What is the relationship between Delaney, Kateena, and Carrie?

PFH: Kateena has this blood bond with Delaney.  She is almost the ulterior ego of Delaney. It is very easy for Delaney to relate what Kateena is going through. Delaney felt duty bound by honor and code to take in Kateena to make sure she was not deserted.  Carrie helped Delaney grow her heart. Delaney has become a champion of girls and the wrongs done to young women. Kateena and Carrie are recognizing each other as sisters, taking care of one another but also having their disagreements. The girl’s relationship with Delaney is based on love, emotion, and fear of loss. They come together with this trauma bond. 

EC:  What about the relationship between Leo and Delaney?

PFH:  He compliments Delaney in solving a crime because he is the computer expert. He is smitten and in love with Delaney. They are well suited for each other. Because Delaney is afraid of being abandoned again, she is afraid of committing. They can relate to each other because both have moral ambiguity.  I want to make sure he is tough enough for her. Their relationship is like a ping pong game where she trusts him, then doesn’t; cares for him, but cannot show it; angry at him, but loves him; does not like his secrets but she has her own secrets. She never trusted anyone so that when something occurs, a bump in the road, she easily backs out. She is inconsistent toward him. 

EC:  Was the latest book a cliffhanger?

PFH:  Yes.  My editor talked me into this.  There was a whole other paragraph, but I took it out. I wrote book 4 as if the series was not going to continue, but there will be a book 5. 

EC:  Next book?

PFH:  The title is tied into the plot line. Carrie and Delaney have forged a bond over the big rig where they have something in common. Leo is going to do something very shocking at the end of this book. This book has a raging wildfire.  Delaney and Carrie find a body where the fire swept through this house. It will be published in April. 

THANK YOU!!

[khanyisile-2]

Standing on the edge of becoming an occupational therapist: reflections on your journey thus far and the way forward.

As I stand on the edge of becoming an occupational therapist, I find myself filled with a mixed feeling of excitement and introspection. As I take a moment to look back on how I have reached this point and consider the path that lies ahead, I find that this path has been one of my growth, learning, and self-discovery so far. This moment encourages me to think about the lessons I have gathered and embrace the challenges and opportunities that await me in the field of occupational therapy. In this blog, I will share my thoughts on the experiences that brought me to this point, my journey toward becoming an occupational therapist, and discuss my plans for the future as I’m at the edge of a fulfilling career.

Looking back my journey began with a strong interest and passion for understanding how individuals engage in meaningful activities and deal with difficulties in their daily lives. This strong interest led me to learn a lot about occupational therapy. I studied things like Anatomy and how the mind works (psychology) in my first year. And now, I’m studying ways to help people recover, and how social factors affect health. Each step of the way, I have felt motivated by the stories of patients I have met in my second year, who show strong determination and didn't give up on attending individual and group sessions with therapists, no matter what challenges they faced in their life. Although, others are being affected by their conditions or diagnoses as a result of not having the insight of attending sessions.

In my studies, I’m lucky to take part in ''practical experiences which guide me in using theory to support best practices while incorporating therapeutic reasoning skills'', (Walter et al.,  (2019)).   However, this journey isn’t easy because there’s a lot of work that needs to be submitted and done such as case studies, write up, activity analyses, planning for individual and groups session, planning for the intervention, competency tests, case presentations, attending lectures, and assignments. I also work with different clients who have different issues, and I learned how to adapt so that I can do assessments, and conduct sessions, even if a client has a defense mechanism when you need to perform a session with him/her. For example, during my second-year psychiatry, I had a client who didn't want to participate in my sessions. I noticed that she enjoyed walking around, so I used this as a therapeutic opportunity to get information to her. The experiences that I got in each facility made me even more sure that occupational therapy can help people have better lives.

As I look ahead to the next part of my journey which is my fourth year, I feel excited and focused. I can't wait to use what I've learned in past years (in my first, second, and third year) to help real people in real situations. Yes, in those past years, I was working with real patients but in my fourth year, it will be different as I will be becoming ready to be an occupational therapist.  I'll work with different experts to make plans that help individuals become more independent, have a better life, and reach their goals. I know that there might be tough times, like tricky cases needing creative answers or changes in healthcare, but I'm ready to take on those challenges with hard work and a desire to learn.

Looking ahead involves more than just doing the practical aspects of occupational therapy. It also includes constantly learning and improving my skill in performing case presentations as I'm presenting cases for different diagnoses. I'll stay updated by revising past information to help clients effectively so that I can provide the best care to my clients and contribute to the improvement of the field.

When I think about my journey until now, I feel grateful for the opportunities I've had and the steps I've taken so far. Deciding to be an occupational therapist is more than just picking a course, it's like a strong feeling that matches with my desire. As I am near to fulfilling my profession/ my goal, I'm excited that I will be making a difference in people's life by helping them and continue growing as a kind and skilled occupational therapist.

 References

-Walter et al.,  (2019).  Implementing an Occupational Therapy Student-run Clinic at the University of North Dakota, page 106. https://commons.und.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1406&context=ot-gradTop

 -Mkhize et al., (2021). schizophrenia spectrum and other psychotic disorders. Learn 2023, page 4

-Tryssenaar, Joyce. "The lived experience of becoming an occupational therapist." British Journal of Occupational Therapy 62.3 (1999): 107-112.

Iloilo Christian mission, (2020). Iloilo Christian mission church Visayas - ready to face life challenges’ introduction: challenges in life are inevitable. it is a matter of accepting it or ignoring it.

[asriel-dreemurr-instead-of-brain]

incase you couldn't tell im suselle brainrotting rn so uh some suselle stuff some headcanons some analysis etc etc

- susie liked noelle first (this concept is so funny to me and i cant explain why). just the idea of noelle handing susie a pencil and susie IMMEDIATELY having Panic and just kind of looking at noelle sometimes like 'whats this feeling' meanwhile noelle barely knows she exist, only for noelle to later be the biggest fucking simp and have no idea that the person shes simping for really softly liked her first

- susie came to town less than a year ago (she hasn't met asriel which implies she's relatively new) and she moved from another school where other students got her expelled for something dumb thus why shes so paranoid and noelle showing kindness to her just make her So Fucking Gay

- i ship them very very very very very much but besides the romantic and gay panic thing I love the concept of them becoming friends first so we get the whole 'friends who are obviously in love' thing but also just because they seem like, beyond them being nervous and flustered, once they get comfortable, they actually trust each other a lot and have a special bond in a way they don't really have with anyone else hhh <3 (ppl asked: Platontic or Romantic and I rlly said "yes")

- not suselle necessarily but noelle is transfem and lesbian and susie is a she/her nonbinary and a lesbian (ive also seen a lot of other very valid headcanons, like transfem or transmasc susie or bi susie)

- susie is actually deeply embarassed about having a tail for Trauma Reasons so noelle noticing and not judging her probably meant a lot

- i see a lot of susie being a smooth bad girl and as nice as that is. susie is literally SO awkward and full of gay panic if she gets any level of affection she either 1) finds some way to brush it off to herself like 'oh its not really a big deal heh', 2) assumes that it's some kind of sick joke, or 3) fucking loses her shit and stops functioning

- i also see a lot of "noelle: omg susiesuisieisiusei shes here oh my god i love her oh my god look at her omg-" and "susie: *image of milk spilling inside of a thought bubble*/ref" and to an extent that's true and also very valid but the roles also reverse sometimes. when susie is like in casual mode shes just like this gremlin who isnt thinking about anything romantic but then shell enter panic mode and just get so fucking flustered and nervous like "DFJWIOEJFIOWEJ HI" and also overthink what noelle means (susie has a tendency to have trouble believing others mean positive things about her so whenever they say something nice her first instinct internally is probably to find out some other explaination) and noelle is either overthinking anxiety "holy shit i fucking LOVE her I could write an ESSAY" or just "omg susie *brain melts*" mode

- susie would not initiate first. susie is the type of person who would die waiting (or more likely die In Denial). Noelle would get nervous as HELL but after forever of susie being unable to make a move because she's Susie and also susie just missing every fucking hint Noelle would just be like 'ily you dumb bitch (affectionate)'

- when they get closer noelle is definitely the one who's more confident in their relationship,,, although she's very nervous and insecure, she trusts susie and gets to know how much of a dork she is. susie trusts noelle but it's also a little nervous/hesitant because susie pretty clearly just generally really cares about noelle in this soft way so i think she'd be really nervous about rejection

- "u-um- did you like- wanna- um- fuck nvm its stupid" "what is it" "IWASJUSTWONDERINGIFYOUWANTEDTOHOLDHANDSIFNOTTHATSFINEIDONTCARE" "susie we've been dating for a year"

- noelle is way more dirty-minded than susie. sex jokes fly over susie's head but noelle reads smut in her free time

- when noelle finds out it wasn't a dream she's gonna be like. "haha very funny ofc it was a dream" "hold on wait then you wouldn't know about it" "HOLY SHIT I TOLD SUSIE THAT OF COURSE ITS A DREAM IF SHES HERE................ FUCK...... IM SO EMBARASSED IM GONNA DIE SHE DEFINITELY KNOWS I LIKE HER NOW...." "wait that means that all the nice stuff she said,, was true,,, omg,,,"

- (noelle proceeds to bring it up to susie 'so um about the, the things i said when i thought i was dreaming, um,' and susie's just like '?' and noelle is trying to say 'sorry if i made things awkward because i like you (because i'm assuming you can tell)' without actually saying it but then noelle just slowly realizes that susie is dense as a brick)

- susie takes noelle being in trouble so seriously for someone she barely knows, like she clearly has a soft spot

- if noelle wasn't so self-conscious, she would be flirty as FUCK. and occasionally she might have a moment where that ends up showing and susie just fucking "what"

- noelle is either "i want this woman to lift me gently in her arms and look at me like i'm the only person in the world..." or "i want this woman to fucking DESTROY me" there is no in between.

- contrary to popular belief noelle can and will say fuck but only when shes alone because she's a bit embarassed about swearing, so someone she looks up to swearing a lot just makes her feel better about it

- susie would be like "yeah I dont care for christmas I don't see the point in doing anything for the holidays and all the sweaters are ugly-" and noelle would come up to her like "hey susie I made you this ugly sweater!!!" and susie would be like "ITS CHRISTMAS TIME BITCH LOOK AT THIS AWESOME SWEATER NOELLE MADE FOR ME !!!!!"

- susie would be constantly really shy about being in a relationship with noelle and avoid saying anything about it (she's not embarassed of noelle, she's just embarrassed at the idea of someone liking her in that way and still can't get used to the thought of someone wanting to be with her without Panicking), but when it comes to non-romantic things susie is really loud and proud about it like "HEY GUYS LOOK WHAT NOELLE DID THATS AWESOME AS FUCK", vs noelle who at first is shy about the relationship thing but like it drops pretty quickly and shes constantly talking about how much she loves her gf and susie just Fucking Dies

- susie really just likes holding noelle (and noelle really likes being held)

- when noelle confesses susie genuinely thinks its some kind of joke, depending on context she either gets upset/hurt (but then quickly realizes she's trying to move past doing that and apologizes) or she just gets kind of awkward like 'ummmm ok?' because she can't really process the idea of noelle Actually Liking Her

- noelle is the only person allowed to touch susies hair no i will not elaborate

- susie takes Forever to realize she has The Feelings even though she liked noelle from the start and when she realizes she just "AH FUCK.......NO..." ("fuck i forgot i was gay..... why... help..")

- noelle realizes immediately the moment she starts to like susie I can imagine her just sitting out in gym class and watching susie play a game with everyone (in which susie is ignoring all the rules) and she just kinda watches and then she goes. "dayuuuum." "ah shit it's the lesbianism again </3"

- susie says shell beat the shit outta you if you mess with her gf but if you talk shit about susie noelle just "SCUSE ME BITCH?"

- although she is generally a lot more nice and polite than susie

[vivacissimx]

Arya Stark has depression

Beginning in AGOT and running through ADWD, Arya displays symptoms of neurodivergence. Learning to cope with it helps to save her life & identity.

Like most children who experience mental illness, Arya develops coping mechanisms that allow her to hide the extent of her depression from the adults around her. This starts earlier than commonly realized. Where initially it seemed her first depressive episode follows Mycah's murder it's actually fair to say she exhibits these patterns of behavior prior to that.

Arya in Winterfell doesn't meet the benchmarks of girlhood that are used to predict a successful future transition into the role of noble womanhood. Arya is aware of this in no small part because her peers (who refer to her as 'Horseface') and the adults in her life (her parents & Septa Mordane who uses Arya as a scapegoat/the "anti-girl") make her aware of this. Given the small scope of her world & her young age, Arya extrapolates that small sample into everybody.

Sansa's needlework was exquisite. Everyone said so. "Sansa's work is as pretty as she is," Septa Mordane told their lady mother once. "She has such fine, delicate hands." When Lady Catelyn had asked about Arya, the septa had sniffed. "Arya has the hands of a blacksmith."

-

Everyone was looking at her. It was too much. Sansa was too well bred to smile at her sister's disgrace, but Jeyne was smirking on her behalf. Even Princess Myrcella looked sorry for her. Arya felt tears filling her eyes. She pushed herself out of her chair and bolted for the door. Septa Mordane called after her. "Arya, come back here! Don't you take another step! Your lady mother will hear of this. In front of our royal princess too! You'll shame us all!"

-AGOT, Arya I

"Lyanna was beautiful," Arya said, startled. Everybody said so. It was not a thing that was ever said of Arya.

-AGOT, Arya II

This last quote isn't necessarily factual (Arya tells us in ADWD The Blind Girl that her parents and Jon did call her pretty), but it's true in the sense that Arya sees her nonconformity as a personal failure.

This could very well be depression speaking, and it starts early. When Arya fails at a task she isolates herself to the extreme: runs away in tears, doesn't believe she can go to her parents or siblings for comfort, decides nobody loves her.

Arya wonders if she's an imposter.

Arya thought that Myrcella's stitches looked a little crooked too, but you would never know it from the way Septa Mordane was cooing.

-

Nymeria was waiting for her in the guardroom at the base of the stairs. She bounded to her feet as soon as she caught sight of Arya. Arya grinned. The wolf pup loved her, even if no one else did.

-

Jon had their father's face, as she did. They were the only ones. Robb and Sansa and Bran and even little Rickon all took after the Tullys, with easy smiles and fire in their hair. When Arya had been little, she had been afraid that meant that she was a bastard too. It had been Jon she had gone to in her fear, and Jon who had reassured her.

-AGOT, Arya I

Arya withdraws socially from places where she believes she cannot succeed or receive affirmation - she leaves the embroidery lesson in a blaze of glory, refuses Queen Cersei's tea invitation on the trip to King's Landing, forgoes attending the Hand's tourney, flees the Brotherhood without Banners. Arya is on average an intensely social creature, however her first line of defense to hide her feelings of inadequacy is not showing up in the first place.

And that's all set in place before the Hound kills Mycah.

In King's Landing, Arya experiences what is possibly her first depressive episode.

Arya had loved nothing better than to sit at her father's table and listen to them talk. She had loved listening to the men on the benches too; to freeriders tough as leather, courtly knights and bold young squires, grizzled old men-at-arms. She used to throw snowballs at them and help them steal pies from the kitchen. Their wives gave her scones and she invented names for their babies and played monsters-and-maidens and hide-the-treasure and come-into-my-castle with their children. Fat Tom used to call her "Arya Underfoot," because he said that was where she always was. She'd liked that a lot better than "Arya Horseface."

Only that was Winterfell, a world away, and now everything was changed. This was the first time they had supped with the men since arriving in King's Landing. Arya hated it. She hated the sounds of their voices now, the way they laughed, the stories they told. They'd been her friends, she'd felt safe around them, but now she knew that was a lie. They'd let the queen kill Lady, that was horrible enough, but then the Hound found Mycah. Jeyne Poole had told Arya that he'd cut him up in so many pieces that they'd given him back to the butcher in a bag, and at first the poor man had thought it was a pig they'd slaughtered. And no one had raised a voice or drawn a blade or anything, not Harwin who always talked so bold, or Alyn who was going to be a knight, or Jory who was captain of the guard. Not even her father.

"He was my friend," Arya whispered into her plate, so low that no one could hear. Her ribs sat there untouched, grown cold now, a thin film of grease congealing beneath them on the plate. Arya looked at them and felt ill. She pushed away from the table.

-AGOT, Arya II

To recap, symptoms of (childhood) depression Arya experiences here are: social withdrawal, heightened anxiety, loss of appetite, sudden changes in mood, low self-esteem, isolation from loved ones.

Notably, Arya's depression lifts when she's a) affirmed by Ned, b) in a manner that shows Ned values her, and c) is set to a task with a teacher who encourages her rather than berates her.

"We have come to a dark dangerous place, child. This is not Winterfell. We have enemies who mean us ill. We cannot fight a war among ourselves. This willfulness of yours, the running off, the angry words, the disobedience… at home, these were only the summer games of a child. Here and now, with winter soon upon us, that is a different matter. It is time to begin growing up."

"I will," Arya vowed. She had never loved him so much as she did in that instant. "I can be strong too. I can be as strong as Robb."

-

[Syrio] tossed her one of the wooden blades. She grabbed for it, missed, and heard it clatter to the floor. "Tomorrow you will catch it. Now pick it up."

-AGOT, Arya II

Panic gripped her throat like a giant's hand. Arya could not have spoken if her life had hung on it. Calm as still water, she mouthed silently.

-AGOT, Arya III

Her water dancing lessons provide her with progress she can be proud of, and mantras for self-soothing, which help her hide her anxiety & depression. This is a coping mechanism she relies on throughout the books.

Arya experiences another pronounced depressive episode when she begins her travels through the Riverlands, after her father has died and her family is splintered. She has volatile reactions to Hot Pie & Lommy teasing her, and her social withdrawal strikes again. Once again, she relies on what she learned from Syrio to soothe herself.

Arya slid into a water dancer's stance and waited. When he came close enough, she lunged, right between his legs, so hard that if her wooden sword had had a point it would have come out between his butt cheeks. By the time Yoren pulled her off him, Hot Pie was sprawled out on the ground with his breeches brown and smelly, crying as Arya whapped him over and over and over. "Enough," the black brother roared, prying the stick sword from her fingers, "you want to kill the fool?" [...] "Every time you look at him, he twitches," the Bull told her as she walked beside his donkey. She did not answer. It seemed safer not to talk to anyone.

-ACOK, Arya I

In the Riverlands, Arya adopts another coping mechanism: she dissociates.

There's no doubt that Arya is a strong warg and that her bond with Nymeria is intense even for the starkling standards. Yes Arya dreams as Nymeria, uses her wolf dreams as escapism from a world in which she feels helpless, but in ACOK Arya speaks of herself as a wolf before her wolf dreams start up again.

I won't cry, she thought, I won't do that. I'm a Stark of Winterfell, our sigil is the direwolf, direwolves don't cry. [ACOK, Arya I]

-

By the time they marched, Arya knew she was no water dancer. Syrio Forel would never have let them knock him down and take his sword away, nor stood by when they killed Lommy Greenhands. Syrio would never have sat silent in that storehouse nor shuffled along meekly among the other captives. The direwolf was the sigil of the Starks, but Arya felt more a lamb, surrounded by a herd of other sheep. She hated the villagers for their sheepishness, almost as much as she hated herself. [ACOK, Arya VI]

-

Yes, Arya thought. Yes, it's you who ought to run, you and Lord Tywin and the Mountain and Ser Addam and Ser Amory and stupid Ser Lyonel whoever he is, all of you better run or my brother will kill you, he's a Stark, he's more wolf than man, and so am I. [ACOK, Arya VIII]

-

Help me, you old gods, she prayed silently. Help me get those men out of the dungeon so we can kill Ser Amory, and bring me home to Winterfell. Make me a water dancer and a wolf and not afraid again, ever. [...] I'm not an evil child, she thought, I am a direwolf, and the ghost in Harrenhal. [ACOK, Arya IX]

-

She had been better off as Squab. No one would take Squab captive, or Nan, or Weasel, or Arry the orphan boy. I was a wolf, she thought, but now I'm just some stupid little lady again. [ASOS, Arya III]

-

Salty is a stupid child, she told herself. I am a wolf, and will not be afraid. She patted Needle's hilt for luck and plunged into the shadows, taking the steps two at a time so no one could ever say she'd been afraid. [AFFC, Arya I]

Arya conceptualizing herself as a wolf (which includes her lambasting herself for not being one) and Arya's wolf dreams are two different things. Arya is a wolf when she feels brave and powerful, whereas Arya dreams as a wolf when she is at her most vulnerable e.g. when the Bloody Mummers are set to discover her, after the Red Wedding, when she loses her sight.

It's a cycle of idealization and devaluation not uncommon to children's black-and-white thinking, but it's often pronounced in neurodivergent kids. At this point, Arya has experienced several traumatic incidents and largely been left to her own devices to grapple with them. While she rightly blames others for her suffering (Ser Gregor, Dunsen, Polliver, Raff the Sweetling. The Tickler and the Hound. Ser Ilyn, Ser Meryn, King Joffrey, Queen Cersei), those people are all far away. Her pack is ever morphing. The only consistently available person she can take anger out on is herself, and her mechanism for doing this is by comparing herself against the ideal version of herself. The self that can be summarized as: the wolf.

By AFFC, she's done this process so much it's seamless. In fact, she can do it in her sleep.

The wolf dreams were the good ones. In the wolf dreams she was swift and strong, running down her prey with her pack at her heels. It was the other dream she hated, the one where she had two feet instead of four. In that one she was always looking for her mother, stumbling through a wasted land of mud and blood and fire. It was always raining in that dream, and she could hear her mother screaming, but a monster with a dog's head would not let her go save her. In that dream she was always weeping, like a frightened little girl. Cats never weep, she told herself, no more than wolves do.

-AFFC, Cat of the Canals

After the Red Wedding, Arya experiences her strongest depressive episode to date.

Some mornings Arya did not want to wake at all. She would huddle beneath her cloak with her eyes squeezed shut and try to will herself back to sleep. If the Hound would only have left her alone, she would have slept all day and all night.

And dreamed. That was the best part, the dreaming. She dreamed of wolves most every night. A great pack of wolves, with her at the head. [...] They would never leave her. [...]

They were never my pack, not even Hot Pie and Gendry. I was stupid to think so, just a stupid little girl, and no wolf at all. [...]

Some of the women tried to put her in a dress and make her do needlework, but they weren't Lady Smallwood and she was having none of it. And there was one girl who took to following her, the village elder's daughter. She was of an age with Arya, but just a child; she cried if she skinned a knee, and carried a stupid cloth doll with her everywhere she went. The doll was made up to look like a man-at-arms, sort of, so the girl called him Ser Soldier and bragged how he kept her safe. "Go away," Arya told her half a hundred times. "Just leave me be." She wouldn't, though, so finally Arya took the doll away from her, ripped it open, and pulled the rag stuffing out of its belly with a finger. "Now he really looks like a soldier!" she said, before she threw the doll in a brook. After that the girl stopped pestering her, and Arya spent her days grooming Craven and Stranger or walking in the woods. Sometimes she would find a stick and practice her needlework, but then she would remember what had happened at the Twins and smash it against a tree until it broke.

-ASOS, Arya XII

Recap: Disruptive sleeping habits, antisocial behavior, sudden changes in moods, low self-esteem, loss of interest in hobbies, isolation. Her coping mechanisms (water dancing [self-soothing through repetitive movement & mantra], positive relationships with others [creating a pack], & dissociation [striving to embody the wolf]) fail her entirely.

In AFFC/ADWD, Arya is in Braavos with the House of Black and White, an arc that nearly succeeds in fracturing her identity. However it's her reliance on her well-honed methods of coping with depression that guide her through this. Syrio taught Arya to practice repetition - as a water dancer, true, but Arya went on to use that to comfort herself, to keep her list of enemies, to consistently return to her ideal wolf persona as a touchstone. It’s already second nature to her in when she serves in Harrenhal, when she’s becoming accustomed to life on the run, as her various roles in Braavos.

Themes of return. An expansive internal world kept secret from adults. Places Arya is always going to retreat to because the world has always felt hostile to Arya Stark.

She padded to her basin on small, bare, callused feet, silent as a shadow, splashed cool water on her face, patted herself dry. Ser Gregor, she thought. Dunsen, Raff the Sweetling. Ser Ilyn, Ser Meryn, Queen Cersei. Her morning prayer. Or was it? No, she thought, not mine. I am no one. That is the night wolf's prayer. Someday she will find them, hunt them, smell their fear, taste their blood. Someday. [...]

Skinny as they were, her legs were strong and springy and growing longer every day. She was glad of that. A water dancer needs good legs. Blind Beth was no water dancer, but she would not be Beth forever.

She knew the way to the kitchens, but her nose would have led her there even if she hadn't. Hot peppers and fried fish, she decided, sniffing down the hall, and bread fresh from Umma's oven. The smells made her belly rumble. The night wolf had feasted, but that would not fill the blind girl's belly. Dream meat could not nourish her, she had learned that early on.

-ADWD, The Blind Girl

Enough slaps, and she might stop chewing on her lip. Arya did that, not the night wolf. "I do deny it." "You lie. I can see the truth in your eyes. You have the eyes of a wolf and a taste for blood."

Ser Gregor, she could not help but think. Dunsen, Raff the Sweetling. Ser Ilyn, Ser Meryn, Queen Cersei. If she spoke, she would need to lie, and he would know. She kept silent.

-

Arya bit her lip. She did not know what she wanted. If I leave, where will I go? She had washed and stripped a hundred corpses, dead things did not frighten her. They carry them down here and slice their faces off, so what? She was the night wolf, no scraps of skin could frighten her.

-ADWD, The Ugly Little Girl

So yes, Arya is neurodivergent. She copes with depression, trauma, and the everyday horrors of girlhood through repetitive soothing tasks & thought processes. Normally diagnosing ABC with XYZ is something I'd abstain from because it can be tricky, but Arya's experiences are so compelling in this frame, so age-specifically intentional, that I think it's worthy of discussion. I know there are a lot of conversations as to whether Arya really comes across as an eleven year old, but in this specific respect I'd say she hits the mark.

[hauntedselves]

Clinical Formulations of Antisocial PD

Clinical formulations and case conceptualisations are introduced in this post.

These are all generalisations and theories of how ASPD develops, not something that is supposed to be true for everyone with ASPD.

Psychodynamic model

Similar to NPD, both form a pathological grandiose self

ASPD self is based on aggressive introject (internalised self), “stranger self-object”

Stranger self-object reflects caregiver as a stranger who can’t be trusted, is neglectful and abusive

Detachment from caregiver & lack of object permanency leads to detachment from relationships & emotions in adulthood

Attempts to bond with others are sadistic, destructive and controlling

Antisocials don’t see others as separate people so can’t feel empathy for them, or remorse for their actions

Biosocial model

Low serotonin creates tendency for impulsivity and aggression

Antisocials often have childhood trauma

Were difficult to comfort as babies, which may have interfered with normal attachment process

Low stimulation levels in the limbic system, responsible for emotions and behaviour, especially in survival situations (as abusive environments are)

Lack of capacity for fear results in impulsivity and inability to learn from experience

Caregiver abuse, absence and neglect intersects with antisocials’ behaviour as children and as adults; they feel abandoned and unwanted

From this they learn that they must look out for themselves since no one else will, which ties in with their manipulation and lack of remorse as adults

Cognitive-Behavioural model

Antisocials’ behaviour is “persistently irresponsible”

They view themselves as strong, clever and self-sufficient

View others as weak, vulnerable and exploitable, so they will manipulate or victimise them

Dismiss others’ thoughts and feelings as irrelevant to them

Difficulty planning for the future, so they orient themselves entirely in the present

Treatment revolves around managing impulsivity and anger

Core beliefs:

They must look out for themselves

They must be aggressive so others don’t try to dominate and abuse them

They are allowed to break rules

They rationalise their thoughts, feelings and actions (e.g., “I can’t afford this thing, and I want it, so stealing it is ok”)

Conditional beliefs:

If they don’t manipulate and exploit others, they won’t get what they want or need

Instrumental beliefs:

They must get others before they can get them

Take what they need, even if it doesn’t belong to them

Interpersonal model

Antisocials often experience childhood abuse and neglect

Results in adults with ASPD neglecting and exploiting others, and fiercely protecting their autonomy

Childhood trauma is internalised and often results in substance abuse, criminal behaviour, irresponsibility and neglecting duties

Likely as children to take over caregiver’s responsibilities, since no one else did

This results in continuing controlling behaviour and difficulty with emotional bonding as adults

People with ASPD may present as friendly and sociable, but emotionally detached and without regard for others

Integrative model

Antisocials often had “difficult child” temperaments during childhood; they were unpredictable, intense, tended to withdraw from situations, and had low, irritable moods

See themselves as strong, capable, cunning and tough

See the world as full of rules to keep them from getting what they want and need, so they disregard the rules

Defense mechanisms are often acting/lashing out and rationalising their behaviour, feelings and thoughts

Their caregivers were either abusive and hostile, or provided such good role models that their child could not and would not meet such high standards

Caregivers believed that “the ends justify the means”, which was modeled and reinforced in their child

Family structure tends to be disorganised and disengaged

Antisocials need to be powerful and in control, because they fear being abused and humiliated

This results in a denial of vulnerability and “soft” emotions, and being uncooperative

- From Sperry, Handbook of Diagnosis and Treatment of DSM-5 Personality Disorders (2016)

[harcove]

Are your request still open? If so, can I request for Leon Kennedy x Younger!Fem!Reader where Leon trains the reader because she doesn’t know how to defend herself and he thinks it’s useful if she did?

Thank you god for requesting this. And also to every other person who sent stuff in, and really excited to do them. We gotta flash flood the Leon Kennedy tag with x reader stuff 👉👈👀

Length: 1k

Request: in the ask

Warnings: none, except a touch of angst maybe? Also age gap. But it's legal.

Leon Kennedy x Reader - Peace of Mind

"I don't get why I'm doing this?"

Leon ignored you as he moved your arm to stretch farther than you would've liked. You didn't protest though, mainly because you knew he wasn't going to listen.

"So you don't accidentally pull a muscle and hurt yourself," he responded plainly.

You didn't say anything back. Instead, you continued to stretch like he told you to. Leon was older than you, and it seemed to affect the relationship between the two of you. He had seen more than you had, faced things he would never be able to hide from. And you were younger, you hadn't seen half the things he had. You weren't as cautious as he was, and sometimes it stressed the man out.

One day he decided that you were going to learn some self-defense and he was going to teach you it. You had no room to argue, mainly because he wasn't going to let you. But also because you really had no reason to say no. Knowing how to defend yourself, especially if he wasn't there, was a good thing.

That didn't mean you had to like the process.

"Leon, my arms are tired," you moaned out as you dropped them from the position he had you in, it was some sort of defense mechanism he was trying to teach you, but you had lost the plot somewhere along him explaining.

That was another thing about you being younger than him. Your youthful attention span hated to stay focused on things like this.

He sighed, slackening his stance and looking at you through half-lidded eyes, "I don't think a random person trying to attack you, or whatever it is that tries to attack you, is going to care that your arms are tired Y/N."

"No, but it would catch them off guard if I just announced it, right?" you raised your arm back up to try to chop Leon in the neck, a completely fruitless effort because he was quicker than you and grabbed your smaller, frailer, arm with his calloused hands that had been through a lot.

"If it's already dead, that doesn't work," you could see the smile in his eyes and the way his lips seemed to fight off the side smile you almost evoked from him.

There was one of the positives to the youth you had against him; sometimes you made him feel like he was a fresh off the street 21 year old again.

"And also if their a trained government agent who does this stuff for living?"

"Yeah, that too."

Leon shook his head and completely relaxed his stance, so you did the same. He grabbed a water bottle and handed it to you before grabbing his own and taking a swig from it. You eagerly drank from the bottle as you decided to plop yourself down on the floor right where you stood.

You looked up at him with big eyes and spoke, "I know defending myself would obviously be beneficial Leon but you really are tough. It's not that serious..."

"It is serious," he said seriously, moving to sit down on the floor in front of you, "it's serious."

You didn't know what to say, so instead, you looked into his face now that he was on the same eye level as you. His blue eyes looked tired and anxious, and his brow was furrowed in a way that was all too familiar, sadly. It pulled at your heartstrings, and his anxiety seemed to reflect itself in you as you worried about him. You always worried about him.

"It's useful. And I just... Listen Y/N, if you got hurt and couldn't defend yourself I don't know what I'd do, especially knowing that I could've taught you how to defend yourself" he ran a hand through his hair, which you heard hadn't really actually changed much at all since he was younger, "it would give me some peace of mind at least if you knew how to throw a proper punch at someone."

Your face softened up and your stomach twisted as you reached a hand across from you to grab onto one of his that wasn't preoccupied with his hair. When you took his hand into your own much smaller one, it was like his hand told you a million stories. It was rough, it had callouses. It had some minute scars and was clearly the hand of someone who knew what he was talking about. Someone who had fought horrors you couldn't even imagine. There wasn't a thing you really could do to take away those horrors; to make it all better. But it was the little things that you could do that made things easier. That made things seem not so dire, not so empty.

You squeezed his hand, and he involuntarily squeezed it back.

"Okay, you've made your point- can you teach me how to suplex a guy like in those wrestling shows, cause I mean I think that would be kinda cool, and no one is gonna wanna fuck with me if I-"

"Slow down," he let out a laugh that was like music to your ears, "maybe learn how to actually throw a punch without breaking your hand first."

He had stood up and held his hand out for you to take which you gratefully did, being lifted off the floor like you were as light as a feather.

If learning how to punch a guy in the face made Leon feel lighter, feel better, when if it was just a little bit, then you would do it 100 times over.

[omiscurls]

Heyhey! I couldn’t find your rules, so idk if this is allowed or not, and if it isn’t feel free to ignore this, but may I request Childe with a reader who has depression? Thank you

tough

a/n: hi!! sorry for that, the rules are added by now, i chose not to describe depression itself, because it looks different on everyone, and you may not relate to what applies to me, but i'm hoping you'll find this enjoyable instead!!

plot: character helping the reader out of a breakdown, or a bad headspace

contains: tartaglia, kaeya

warnings: bad copying mechanisms, low mental place, nothing too serious mentioned

tartaglia

now, he's a man of action less than words, even though he's good with those, too

and to add to that, he's also a very perceptive person - if some negative vibe lingers on you for too long, he'll notice right away

however, relying on his experience, he opts to give you space to figure it out on your own, first, he wouldn't like to be making a huge deal of something that was just a worse couple of days

it's when you don't show up at your usual dinner spot, that he gets a little tingle in his brain, telling him to not dismiss it this time.

and so, he makes his way over to your place.

"ya there?" you hear on the other side of the door, followed by urgent knocking, sort of breaking you out of a trance, but you can't find it in you to go and answer it. he'll go away, you think, even better. your apartment is messy, you're messy, too, and it's not the right time to be receiving visitors. so you stay quiet.

"you do know i know you're in there, right?" he speaks up again "the blinds would be down if you weren't"

come in, you want to shout, and although no voice leaves your throat, soon the door opens anyway.

"hey, what's up, you weren't on the- oh." he stops in his tracks in the middle of the corridor, and you're already mentally prepared to a snarky remark about your sorroundings, but the only thing he says is a lighthearted "why're you sitting on the floor?"

the first thing he thinks about is to level with you, so he plops himself down right beside you, and you bet it looks funny - you in yesterday's clothes, in a big, probably smelly, mess, and then a harbinger in full military outfit right beside you.

"i-" you try to say, but your throat seems too dry and worn out, so you opt for a whisper "look at his place"

he indeed does, hinting the small note of desperation in your voice.

"what about it?"

"it's a mess!" you sigh, covering your face with your hands, out of both embarrassment, and fatigue. you take a big breath before continuing "so i wanted to clean it up, i even brought all the... all the things, but it's so much stuff to do, and i'm tired, and- and i don't know!" you choose to stop as not to snap right then and there. "i can't even do my shitty chores right like an adult" you mumble, massaging your temples.

"and is sitting on the floor helping?" he simply asks, and for a second, you're almost mad at him for not being more... cooey and fuss over you a bit more. he sounds cold.

"what are you-"

"really, is it helping?" he repeats "because from how i see it, every little thing would seem bigger if you looked at it from this angle. come on" he nudges you before standing up, and offering a hand to lift you up. you, however, shake your head.

"i really can't deal with it today, childe, i'm sorry"

"just stand up" he pleas, and the second you take his hand, he helps you up in less than a second. when you're on his level again, he sneaks both his arms on the sides of your waist, and sort of sways around a little, before speaking again. "what if, what if we do it little by little? look, we'll start over there" he puts his hand on top of yours, and lifts your arm to point to the full sink along with his. "and that'd be it for today! and then tomorrow... actually, let's not make plans. we'll just pick something tomorrow, and do it then. does the sink sound like a lot to do?" he asks.

"do you want me to be honest, or do you want me to say no" you mutter, earning the heartiest and brightest laughter you've heard in days from him.

"always honest. but come on, i'll help." he rolls you out of his embrace, causing you to feel a sudden wave of cold, it was comfortable back there, you think.

however, as he works through the dishes with you, the pile does seem to lessen, and doesn't rule over your kitchen anymore. every time he hands you a plate to dry, he smiles as wide as he can, and it doesn't seem to bother him at all when you don't smile back.

"remember" he starts again, after a while of comfortable silence. he looks ridiculous, doing the kitchen duties in an outfit designed mostly to look presentable and slay enemies in it, but the look on his face is dead set. "the first lesson you've gotta learn before going off to battle something, is that the best defense is always, always to fight back. and if you don't think you can manage that, well, that's why nobody ever battles alone. it's common sense to have someone watching your back. and as for you, not only are you a great warrior yourself, but you've also got the best second-in-command willing to help you out. don't forget that."

kaeya

as for him, he's also perceptive and empathic, but the difference between him and tartaglia is that he does believe people have the right to figure some things out on their own, he's a firm believer in the magic of secrets

that's probably because he himself doesn't like to share too much about his deeply personal feelings

so he'd obviously see some wave of difficult emotions coming your way, but would he immediately start worrying? probably not

the guy doesn't have healthy copying mechanisms himself, don't think he expects those of others

every other night the two of you meet up at the tavern, kaeya always ordering wine, you asking the bartender for whatever was in store today, but it's never anything alcoholic.

and just like nearly always, you're seated at angel's share, him noticing you're not particularly in the mood for talking, and choosing to entertain you with as many stories of the day that went by as he can remember.

the waiter interrupts him, asking if your minds are already made up regarding the drink. now, kaeya always has you picking first, but since he sees you're still analyzing the card (as if you expected to find anything new), he goes first with a drink he knows charles makes really strong.

to his surprise, when it comes to you, you just mumble "i'll have the same he had"

before the waiter has a chance of writing that down, kaeya tells him that actually, you're gonna need a minute or two more, and to erase the order you've both put in.

as he walks away, the calvary captain's eyes pierce through yours.

"that's a pretty nasty drink you wanted there" he starts, feeling he can't let you handle your mess this time, preparing to dig a little deeper into what's on your mind.

you shrug your shoulders.

"hey" he speaks up a little firmer, hand moving to cover yours, and even though they twitch as to retreat from his grip, you let it be. "tell me what's up."

"nothing's <up>" you accentuate. "can't i even have a drink now?"

"obviously you can" he nods "as long as i know you're trying it just for the taste, and not for the strong kick it's gonna offer, cause that's a dangerous path that only leads to nasty places." concern shines through his gaze, and an encouraging smile is wandering somewhere in his expression, however his lips are still pressed into a tight line, the same he forms when he's either fighting or arguing.

you stay silent for a good long while, before sighing.

"maybe i want the kick. good, or bad, maybe i want to feel... something."

the sentence sounds all too familiar, as he shakes his head and takes your hand, leading you towards the exit.

"what're you-"

"you're obviously not in the right state to be in a bar, of all places" he states almost coldly "so i'm getting you somewhere safer."

the two of you leave the bar, and walk out into the cold of mondstadt's street, covered in the darkness of the night. you walk past him, not leveling up to him, just tagging along to whatever he's going.

it comes as a surprise, that you're neither headed for your apartment, nor his, nor the knights' headquarters. he's guiding you in an unknown direction, until you reach a dead end.

he clims up a small building, offering you a hand and shaking off your confused expressions and questions. "you'll see" he says. the two of you walk from roof to roof, and countless times you tell him it's ridiculous, but then, he jumps onto the city's wall, helping you out with two hands this time, sitting you down right next to him on the stone surface of the wall. it's a little wet from the night's humidity, and cold, and probably dirty too, but the moon shines right at you, and from this perspective, you see thousands of lights in houses, taverns and shops, from the bottom up to the cathedral.

going up from that, a calm and peaceful lake paints the landscape blue on the left, and even from up here, you see a sea of lampgrasses shining through the leaves of wolvendom forest. if you squint, lights are still on in dawn winery, and the path to liyue and all the other lands swirls around near diluc's house. there's so much you can see, even if the night limits your vision.

"i like to come here when i need to gain some perspective over what is happening in my life right now" kaeya speaks really softly and quietly, bordering on a whisper. "it's a beautiful view, even someone as insensitive to art as i am can see that, but other than that... it's huge. and even though it is, it's also alive. every single one of those beings whose lights are dying out as they slowly go to sleep one by one, they're alive. they're not a scenery, they're their own, individual worlds. and they all coexist with each other in such a clever manner, don't you think? they have their differences, they might even hate each other, or wish the worst upon the other's name, but from up here? they fit together like puzzles of one, big picture."

"that's a nice way to put it, for sure" you whisper, looking down onto your knees. his finger pushes your chin slightly to make you face him, and he smiles at you gently, thumb brushing against the skin of your cheek.

"you know, we each have our own worlds, built from scratch from such fragile materials. we have our worlds rise, shine, and crumble before our sights. we look over the ruins of them and think, this is the end of the world. there's nothing more, it's all dust now. but from up here, you see how many other worlds there are - everyone has their own. not everything that is happening in your world is true. you see it from first person's perspective, and therefore the view might be disturbed by many different aspects. you might not see the picture, you just see the broken puzzle fragment that can't fit with the rest, and you're ready to throw away the entire picture, without finishing it. but being here, it reminds me... the world doesn't end on the ruins you see. you can always ask someone to help you build them up again, and of course, you can expect it to fall into pieces once more, but this time, you'll keep in mind, there're-" he stopped, pointing to the city's lights. "so many people to help you raise it up to the clouds."

"your metaphor is really complex" you chuckle, but his face stays still.

"it's not the end of the world if your puzzle piece is broken. and the ruins are not unfixable if you feel too tired to build them up all by yourself. if anything, that's a start." his hand travels up to keep the hair from getting on your face, since the wind blows pretty hard on this height. "what do you say we start your puzzle once more, toghether?"

-

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