#one thing about me is if you ask me about my hyperfixations i wont shut up

[zukkaoru]

These new blorbos you got here, they’re compelling. Should I give Bungo Stray Dogs a shot? Manga or anime?

YESSS okay so. i do really enjoy the bsd anime but the manga is (imo) significantly better. especially once you get to late season 4/season 5. the anime tends to,, sort of water down some characterizations. however the nice thing about the anime is that it includes adaptations of some of the light novels, whereas if you only read the manga, you would have to break at certain parts to read the light novels (specifically the dark era light novel i would say is most important to understanding the main storyline). something else the anime did that i. am not a fan of. is they changed the first light novel - dazai's entrance exam - so it takes place during the events of season 1 instead of two years prior when dazai first joined the agency, and they cut out a good half of it in order to cram it into two episodes

my Ideal recommended watching/reading order is:

bsd anime seasons 1-2 -> the dead apple movie -> bsd anime seasons 3-4 -> bsd manga, either from the beginning or from chapter ~71 to chapter 112 -> bsd anime season 5 -> bsd manga, chapter 113 onward

i also highly recommend reading dazai's entrance exam light novel at some point, but it doesn't matter when. as for the other light novels:

the dark era is adapted at the beginning of s2 (i have not finished reading the ln itself so i can't speak as to how good the adaptation is), fifteen is at the beginning of s3 (this one is mostly good, but some of the fun bits and little characterization moments esp with dazai are cut), ranpo's backstory in untold origins is at the beginning of s4 (i have not read this + i believe the untold origins light novel has more than just ranpo's backstory which was not adapted). the fifteen light novel also has a manga adaptation which i believe is either about to be finished or just recently finished updating. dead apple also has a manga, and was adapted into a movie. i have not read this light novel yet either.

the BEAST light novel is an alternate universe. i have only read the manga for it, but i definitely recommend. there's also a live action movie adaptation which i have not seen but i do not trust. wouldn't recommend watching that first from what i know of it.

light novels without adaptations: storm bringer is chuuya's backstory - i'm partway through this and it is widely regarded to be the most emotionally devastating of the light novels (with the exception of, perhaps, BEAST). 55 minutes i believe takes place sometime in the season 2-3 era? and focuses on atsushi & akutagawa (+ dazai & kunikida?) i haven't read this one yet but i've heard many good things. there's also gaiden which focuses on characters who aren't really present in the main bsd show/manga - one of the main characters works in the government and shows up at least in dead apple. i haven't read this one yet either so can't say much about it. the day i picked up dazai was just recently released, and i haven't read it so i can't say much about it either except i believe it focuses on oda & dazai and might be best understood if you've read BEAST first.

there's also BSD wan! which is a silly comedy vibe spin off. there's one season of it + a manga, but it's not required watching/reading and i don't believe it's considered canon to the main storyline. there are also several anthologies which also have little stories in them but are not necessarily considered canon to the main storyline, but i've heard those are hard to find translations for

tl;dr: the manga is overall better than the anime, but the anime is probably best to start with because it includes important information in the light novel adaptations. once you finish season 4, i would read at least chapters 71-112 of the manga before watching season 5

[yoitsjay]

Hi!! I saw you were wanting some writing requests 👀 Talk Too Much by COIN is such a Tech song for me and maybe fem!reader gets shut up by Tech kissing her instead of the other way around for once since he’s usually the one adorably info dumping.

I can finally spew out my hyper fixation and get it off my chest? You bless me.

Talk x3

Pairings: Tech x f! Reader

Summary: your info dumping your most recent hyperfixation on Tech, and all he can think about is the way your lips move and how badly he wants to kiss them... so he does.

Warnings: fluff, kisses.

Word count: 858

“Did you know there are approximately 140,000 types of mushrooms spread over the whole galaxy? and mushrooms aren't plants or animals, they are their own species. And it includes yeast, mildew and rust-”

“Fungi are genetically closer to humans than they are plants, which is good and bad- mushrooms could adapt to our body temperature and we could become some freaky mushroom zombies-”

-

The bad batch wasn't too sure how long you had been rambling for, all Hunter did was ask you what you were researching and now- maybe hours later- you were still talking about mushrooms which was what you were studying.

You were a scientific researcher for the republic and often needed to travel a lot, which is where you met the bad batch. They traveled a lot too so you ended up joining them and helping them with the more technical stuff, which brought you and a certain bad batcher close together.

But currently Tech was not on the Marauder to listen to your rants rather than the others, he was getting rations and other medical supplies with Wrecker. Lucky Wrecker… you would have gone with him if you weren’t fixated on your work, though now it was completely discarded as you just continued blabbering on.

Hunter sat in front of you, trying to remain professional as he tried to listen to at least some things you were saying, though Crosshair managed to slip away and run to his bunk, where he used the emergency code and called Tech, who picked up right away.

“What happened? you used the emergency channel, is Y/n okay?” Tech asked immediately, not even knowing who was the one calling him. “Relax Tech, we need you back here, Y/n wont stop talking.” Crosshair grumbled, and Tech was silent for a few moments, though Wrecker was muttering something in the background.

“She is ranting about mushrooms again?” Tech asked, and Crosshair deadpanned. “Again? how much does she do this to you?” Crosshair asked, hearing his brother's light chuckle. “A lot, though she listens to my information dumps in return.” He stated, then sighed. “We are retrieving the last of the supplies, then we will be on our way. Just pretend to listen, she will not notice.” Tech explained and then hung up the call.

Crosshair groaned, you were going to be the death of him and Hunter.

-

It only took a half hour for Tech and Wrecker to get back, and when they entered the ship you were still engrossed in conversation with Crosshair and Hunter, though Cross was slumped over with his head in his hands, and Hunter just looked stressed as he listened to you. Wrecker took the supplies to the supply closet on the Marauder, and Tech made his way over to you, tapping Hunter’s and Crosshair's shoulder, and they almost immediately got up and went to either sleep, or do something else entirely.

Though when you noticed they had left, and that Tech was sitting there instead, you had practically beamed. “Hi Tech? Where did Hunter and Cross go? i was just telling them about how any type of fungi allow trees to communicate with each other, and that-”

Tech leaned forward, his hands cupping your cheeks as he pressed his lips to yours. A soft gasp was the only thing that left said lips as you tensed up for a moment, then relaxed into the man in front of him. Just as he went to pull away you leaned forward, sliding one of your hands into his hair, the other grasping his thigh as you chased the first kiss, and went in for the second.

Crosshair and Hunter sighed in relief from a distance, Crosshair flicked his toothpick between his teeth then tossed it onto the ground. “That’s one way to shut her up.” He muttered, getting nudged by Hunter. “She gets excited, I'm sure she'd listen to you rant on about sniper specifics.” Hunter huffed, walking into the bunk rooms as Crosshair rolled his eyes, then followed suit.

You pulled away from the kiss after a few minutes, staring into Tech’s eyes before you smiled. “Sorry.” you muttered, having now realized that you were definitely talking the other boys to death with mushroom facts. Tech chuckled lightly. “It's okay, serad, they understand you get excited… they did grow up with me after all.” Tech joked a bit, which made you smile.

“When are you going to finish these studies?” He asked, and you hummed, grabbing your datapad as you tapped it a few times, then hummed again. “I should be finished in a few days, then I move on to something I've been really excited for. But I have to get this done before I lose interest and don't finish at all.” You chuckled, Tech hummed in agreement. “Well, I will help you.” He stated, moving to sit beside you now at the terminal you were at.

You smiled at him, and leaned against his shoulder before pulling him into another, gentle kiss, which he was more than happy to reciprocate.

“Let’s get to work then, these mushrooms won’t fact check themselves!”

➺

Tech tag:

Tbb:

@only-my-unexistent-fiances

All:

@moomoog017

[ghostboyhood]

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

A boy lays in his bed with headphones on listening to the same song he has been for hours. His eyes are sunken in and he is visibly tired.

The camera pans to the boys face. He sighs, looks directly into the camera, and closes his eyes.

Cut to black.

☆ Name - Ghost / Kurt / Matt

★ Pronouns - He/Him

☆ Sexuality - Queer

★ heyy!! this is mainly a place of whatever my current hyperfixation,, i talk a lot about a lot very incoherently so bear with me..

☆ my dms are open but if you make me uncomfortable ill just block you! i do enjoy talking to people, i just have a rough time starting conversations because i dont want to be annoying.. i also have a very hard time getting my thoughts into coherent sentences.. but dont hesitate to dm or send me an ask !! oh and close moots can ask for my insta <3

★ right now im really into green day and my chemical romance!!! im currently watching white collar !!

☆ i love tv show and movie recommendations,, i cant guarantee ill watch it 100% but i bet ill eventually get to it one day.. i plan on watching succession, the good place, and interview with the vampire sometime.. i also love talking about tv shows/movies with people so Pleaseee talk to me about ur interests or my interests or whatever, i luv listening to ppl infodump!!!

★ some other things im into areee - house md, its always sunny in philadelphia, breaking bad, bobs burgers, good omens, all of john mulaneys specials, velvet goldmine, brokeback mountain, rocky horror picture show, saw (2004), fight club, dead poets society, a quiet place (all three), deadpool (+ wolvie), the outsiders (book mostly), many more movies just ask, life is strange, i plan on beginning detroit become human, dan and phil, danny gonzalez, kurtis conner, drew gooden, markiplier, and a lot of other things i just.. havent written down

@faileddog ^ (mona, joel, and i watching american psycho)

☆ i love love love love music with my whole heart,, i listen to most genres but i go through phases of only listening to specific songs/genres/albums/etc

★ my favorite artist is vundabar!! they have been for years now i love them so much

☆ right now ive been in a slight music rut so ive been listening to the same songs over and over on my main playlist i have..

★ some artists i like include - they might be giants, pure sport, ween, the frights, stephen sanchez, my chemical romance, green day, david bowie, the beatles, nirvana, system of a down, sign crushes motorist/birth day, lord huron, the magnetic fields, alex g, deftones, childish gambino, twist off!, etc etc

☆ if u wanna go listen to any of my playlists ☆

★ hmm what elsee,, im really into punk rock n i go to a lot of punk shows!! concerts are like my favorite thing and ive seen 20+ people live <3

☆ as i said i luv movies, i want to work on movies one day as a cinematographer or maybe even director.. my dream is to make my own movie. i would also like to be a concert photographer because i love photography and yeah!!!

★ ouhh i also love queer history, history in general but mostly queer history.. i love learning about the past and how life was for people.. im mainly intrigued by like the 70s-90s but honestly anything in the 20th century..

☆ i could talk about some of my favorite characters for hours,, i get Really invested in usually one show at a time though so its hard to invest myself in things that arent.. that fixation

★ i dont wanna write down all the guys i like but you'll definitely be able to tell because i wont shut up about them and my reblogs will mostly be them...

☆ credit- @hopelesshardrockfan for my banner

[moncey-imagines]

WDW Trip Headcanons | Sans x GN!Reader

Sorry this took so long, Thanksgiving week has been quite busy 🥲 but now it is done and out for all the world to see 🐎🐎for context, the reader is hyperfixated on the disney parks (just like me 😎)

!!THIS HAS NOT BEEN PROOF-READ OR EDITED!!

enjoy!!!

Also I added an intro to lead into the headcanons 😱

It started with a simple statement:

* WHAT?? SERIOUSLY???

* seriously.

This is the first time you found out that Sans had absolutely no idea about the pure magic and majesty of Disney parks.

* You've been on the surface for like a year...how do you STILL not know about Disneyworld...

* idk

* Do you even know about the Disney company at all??? You have to, they are industry giants in like every category of anything ever...

* i think so, are they the ones that have the princesses?

* Which princesses?

* you know, the ones.

* No I don't, you have to tell me which ones.

* the ones with the hair.

* WHAT KIND OF HAIR?

* long hair i think.

* Rapunzel?

* idk

* Okay yeah that's it, we're going to Disneyworld, lemme go book the flights.

* cool

Two weeks later, you and your skeleton boyfriend were off to Orlando so you could expose him to the wonders of Walt Disney World.

Once you two are there and walking around, he'd probably be more focused on you rather than the park. I mean, it's kind of hard to ignore how excited you get over being in the park. The amount of facts that pop up in your brain the second you're in the parks is abundant, so much so that there is no way to stop you excited rambling (not that he'd try, he thinks it's cute).

* Look!! Look at the windows!!

* im lookin.

* It's a tribute to Marc Davis!!

* i...sorry, i dont know who that is.

Expect a lot of Sans not understanding a single thing you're talking about.

* Sans!! Look at the rocks, it's shaped like the Nautilus!!

* yeah?

* Yeah!! That's cause 20000 Leagues Under the Sea was here before The Little Mermaid ride!!

* wow.

* Do you know what any of what I just said means?

* um...not really no, im sorry.

He'll still listen though, he likes seeing you happy and excited.

* i really don't think these guys have the guts to be in here naked

* They're fake skeletons, Sans, but there's a rumor that the skull on the bed in Disneyland if re- wait...they don't have the guts. I just got it.

* took you a minute huh.

* Shut it, bonehead.

* sorry, but a name like that won't get under my skin.

* These jokes suck, you must have left your funny bone at home.

* i know, im just a lazy bones like that.

Everyone around you two have to occasionally either sit through agonizingly horrible jokes or get up and walk away.

* Hey, Sans! Do you think you can solve the murder mystery?

* murder mystery? isnt that a little dark for magic kingdom?

* It's not too dark for the Haunted Mansion, that's what this ride is all about.

* ah, okay. i wont let it rattle my bones then.

* You're such a doofus.

* actually, in your own words, im a bonehead.

* Do you think you can do the puzzle or not? The lines gonna move...

* yeah, yeah, okay.

Sans also seems to really like standing in line to hear what other people are saying.

* people say some wild stuff here, (y/n).

* Like what?

* i just heard a little girl ask her mom what happened to Mickey Mouse when he went backstage and her older sister said that the staff skinned him.

* Oh my god.

* thats not all, after that her mom agreed and told her thats how they make the Mickey ear hats.

* these fireworks are pretty nice.

* Did you know that they have to set them off no matter what? For safety reasons, they can't let old fireworks sit back there unused, even is they cancel the shows.

* so theres technically always a show?

* ...I guess so, yeah.

* ...

* What do you think happens if an airplane flies to close to the fire works?

* what happens?

* It probably becomes a scareplane.

* that one's a stretch

* C'mon, I thought it was funny.

* you were close, but not close enough. maybe next time.

Driving the car to the hotel, you turn to Sans.

* Did you...like today's trip? I wasn't annoying was I?

* i liked it, yeah, and not at all, i thought all your little facts were great. im excited for what you tell me tommorow.

* Alright, I'll stock up on my facts for Animal Kingdom tomorrow.

* you better, ill even polish my humerus.

* I knew you were gonna make some kind of pun, I felt it in my bones.

* what, have you been spine on me?

* Okay, that one was knee-t.

Sans lets out a sigh.

* What's wrong?

* nothing at all, i love you.

I'M SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG AAAAA

also sorry if its more dialogue than headcanons, I've been coding VNs as of late DHFYSGADFh

I kinda wanna make this into a short visual novel...but I cannot at the moment, I must get this fic out DHGFIYFSG

I hope it was good, if anyone wants a part two in another part just send in an ask 😎

[with-love-from-hell]

Vermillion Skies - Q&A #2

Thanks for all the love on the series!! Here is another Q&A post for the series, along with some general headcannons!  If you have not read the series yet, be aware there are spoilers ahead! Read under the cut! This one is tailored primarily toward parts 9-15!

CW:  Somewhat graphic discussion of past events in the series thus far [sexual violence, ignoring consent for medical treatment, abortion, death, pap-smear exam, blood/gore/violence among characters, jealousy/romantic rivalry, PTSD, etc…]

>> Though I have a Masters Degree in Psychology, I am not your therapist. If you have experienced any form of sexual abuse, assault, or harassment and are in need of help, please utilize the RAINN sexual assault hotline or online chat service, or find additional help using the NSVRC website. <<

Read all of my work related to Vermillion Skies here

How many parts to the series?

Currently I am planning on 23 parts of the series! This post will take the place of another part for the next week, so I am planning for part 16 to be out by Feb 6th, and then once per week until it is finished (probably every Sunday!). In regards to the NSFW part- I have it sitting finished in my drafts- for those of you who are curios lol. I have currently assigned it as part 21 (but this is subject to change depending on how the preceding parts go). I am glad there is still excitement for this, and I am very happy with how the initial draft turned out prior to edits (:

I know my last few parts have been on the shorter side, and this is mostly due to me being busy with work, and because if I were to smush them together, the parts would be WAY too long. So be on the look out for the future parts being more along the length they had been in the past (e.g. between 5k and 6k words!)

How will Lucifer handle the hallucinations?

I wont say much because I don’t want to spoil the next couple parts, but the hallucinations bit will elaborated on some more. Lucifer will definitely have some conflicts related to his pride about the fact that his psyche was so heavily impacted by the assault, and this may cause some tension between him and Mc. Though again, I don’t want to spoil any more so I will shut up about it. lol

About PTSD

Thank you for this question, because frankly I can never shut the fuck up when giving psychology perspectives on things and you just unlocked that hyperfixation lol. 

In short- I wouldn’t say hallucinations or delusions are either common or uncommon. However, I will say that not every single individual experiences PTSD or trauma responses the same, which is something that I have tried to hammer home with this series. Typically, if someone has been through a very intense traumatic experience, those types of psychotic symptoms can be present as their brain tries to process the events of what happens. Individuals with genetic ties to Schizophrenia can be especially susceptible to experiencing these things! However, I am going to reiterate again that just because you experience delusions or hallucinations doesn’t mean you are a bad or dangerous person, and it is important for those of you without these symptoms to take that to heart!

I am glad you’ve learned a lot about PTSD through my work, and again, I could go on for hours about it because of my specific interest in the disorder! If this is a special interest, I can absolutely open my asks for mental health questions (my areas of interest are Eating Disorders, OCD, and PTSD, but I know quite a bit about many other disorders as well!) 

How Mc’s relationship with Solomon will change.

As mentioned briefly in the last Q&A, Mc’s relationship with Solomon is going to definitely take a pretty hard hit. As of now, this hasn’t been exhibited *too* much, but it will become a more presenting plot point in the next few parts- specifically with how Mc reacts to seeing him again for the first time since Diavolo’s dinner party, and how she still feels in regards to the procedure. Get ready for some angsty dialogue and also some other past plot-points resurfacing...such as “did Solomon aim to get something out of all of this?” 

Will the abortion ever be brought back up?

Yes it will. And that is going to be present within the series very, very soon. 👀

What about the online harassment/rumors? 

Also yes! that will come back into the plot within the near future as well. 

Will Simeon Fall?

I cant say -too- much about this without spoiling the rest of the series and others going forward, but I will say that he will fall at some point! I have something in mind about a spin-off about Simeon and how he processes falling from a more general perspective so it *could* be a stand-alone work if someone did not want to read VS! So...yeah! I wont say how or when, but our lovely little angel will fall. I will also say that I do enjoy the idea of an 8th deadly sin- that being “Despair”, and my plan is to have Simeon embody this sin. I wont say any more though, so you’ll just have to keep reading. 

Will more supporting character perspectives be offered?

The short answer is: yes- to an extent! I do plan on bringing in some other perspectives a bit more!

The long answer is: while I would love to do every single character justice, there just isn’t enough drive for me to elongate the series further by bleeding every character perspective dry. I want to leave some things up for interpretation- which is part of the reason why I don’t go down every single avenue that I could. That being said though, while the main focus is on Lucifer and Mc, there will still continue to be alternative perspectives taken- namely Simeon, Solomon, and Levi. This is mostly because those characters are existing secondary to the plot- especially at the present moment! 

The trajectory of the series

I have been tracking interest in the series basically since I noticed it initially taking off within the fandom. But, Since I hit part 10, engagement has been way down with Vs (and my other works too). I am attributing some of this to the bull crap with Tumblr's algorithm and tagging issues, as this has been a big deal for awhile, in addition to more people leaving the platform- especially considering my follower count is steadily rising. With all of that considered though, I have still struggled with some disappointment for it losing steam, considering how much I love it and how much traction it got within the first 5 parts.

While this series is still a strong comfort for me to write and that is the primary purpose of me continuing to write it, It is still going to go strong, and I am not going to give up on it. However, I am also not going to get every single direction or idea that I have out. I don’t want it to go stale, and as of now I don’t se it hitting there, but I do have a feeling that- based on how often I get asks about the NSFW part- that engagement will drop significantly more after that part. 

I do have plans for another series after this one is complete, but it probably will be similar in length to Blasphemy. I love all of you, and I love this series, so I am going to complete what I have had planned out thus far, but part 23 will be the end outside of *maybe* an epilogue. Thanks again to all of you who continue to engage in my work, and I wanted to give a shout out to all of you who reblog, ask, and comment on it. I see it all and your thoughts mean a lot to me. And as a general message to others- please continue to support artists and writers through likes and reblogs. We wont really know you enjoy our stuff if you just lurk, and this can really impact motivation to create!

[smiledog15578]

for the ask meme you recently reblogged, how about 📌🎥💕 and 🍀? IM SORRY IF IM OVERDOING THIS BTW you can only answer one of them if you don't feel like doing the others!!! idk i just like hearing people gush about their hyperfixations it makes me really happy :')

📌 how did you find your hyperfixation?

For the fnaf fandom: i found it through my mom! When it came out my mom was like "have you heard of this game" and i said no and she told me about it and at first i was a bit confused. I remember thinking that it was about a sleepover at a guy named freddys HDAJJDJS SO YEA I WAS HELLA CONFUSED but sooner or later i became hooked on it. It really got me into horror stuff (i was a huge scardy cat and still am kinda but not as much as i was back then).

For the markiplier universe: ok so lets get to a cringe moment here. I was a fan of him but i was even a more fan of him in like 2016? And lets just say i got more into it cause of well the septiplier thing which i hate bringing it up but i might as well be honest about it lol ( i hate septiplier now dont worry). But yea that got me more engaged with markiplier and jacksepticeye's content! I eventually grew out of jacks stuff and just stuck with marks content instead. Over time tho ive had an off and on relationship with the markiplier stuff cause i just,,, im slowly growing put of him but then i come back to his stuff its just a love hate relationship lol

💕 tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

For the fnaf fandom: omg hiw can i decide LMAO. I love almost every character on this story but my all time faves have to be michael or william afton. Michael just seems like a cool dude whos trying to make things right and i love that about a character! Plus he can draw and i wont shut up about that part HFJSJD just little things about character make me go "DKDJKDKD🥺💕💕💕" for no reason lol. And i love william as a character cause hes just so fascinating to me. Plus he feels like a real person whichbis even more terrifying in my opinion (other than the whole him come back to life thing but i hope you get what i mean). Hes not some "haha im edgy and i love knifes haha blood yes blood!!" Type killer (wow i just described my oc lol) but hes got real motives and reasons to killing. I also HDHDJD SORRY BUT i love his voice that PJ gave him. Its so trusting yet like- ew no thanks stranger danger

For the markiplier universe: ANOTHER TRICKY QUESTION LMAO. But my faved have to be wilford and dark as always. Wilford is my favorite cause hes so funny and sweet and just ugh i love that in a character. To me a good trope is cute yet a killer i guess lmao. And i love dark cause hes not a true villian but a villian? He has a villian lool but really he just wants to make things right and is overall a sweet heart as the santa ego said lol

🍀 do you have any kins or comfort characters from your hyperfixation?

From the fnaf fandom: OH YES I DO. I dont kin (i dont think😳) but Michael is a huge comfort character for me! Oh and also vanny too. Them bitches help me alot when im sad or just need something to daydream about

For the markiplier fandom: hmm probably dark,wilford, and yan HDJEJ THE FAM THING IVE BEEN DOING FOR LIKE YEARS. something about that dynamic fills a hole in my heart that really makes me happy. Now i wouldnt say i have such a terrible family or anything! I love my family to bits but when things get difficult with my own family i kinda escape to that :)

[oktobearfest]

Tag Game: Get To Know The Mun

Answer the questions below and tag 11 people you want to know better! thanks for tagging me @bokuroyaoya!! 

1. What do you prefer to be called name wise?

erin is fine i dont have any nicknames :^)

2. When is you birthday?

february 23rd

3. Where do you live? (You don’t have to give city, you can give the state if your USA or country if you are overseas)

maryland, usa

4. Three things you are doing right now?

listening to music, playing toontown rewritten and browsing tumblr as per usual

5. Four Fandoms that have your peak interest right now?

i try to avoid fandoms as much as possible due to the annoying freaks in them but i like overwatch, disney stuff in general, one piece and animal crossing

6. How has this pandemic been treating you?

eh i’ve been doing okay. my dog had to have emergency surgery a few weeks ago and she’s currently recovering so that’s been stressful to deal with atm. i was also supposed to go to florida last week but my trip was cancelled due to covid-19 so i’m sad about it. :’) my family and i are safe and healthy which is most important right now

7. A song you can’t stop listening to right now?

kumulipo / e pua ana ka makani - makaha sons of ni'ihau. so relaxing to listen to while playing video games and doing general internet browsing

8. Recommend a movie.

i said this the last time someone asked but i’m still out here harassing people into watching this 90s disney channel aladdin movie. this has to be the dumbest but also funniest movie ive seen in a long time i LOVE it

9. How old are you?

23

10. School, University, Occupation, Other?

currently unemployed and looking for a job. i’m looking into going to grad school next year

11. Do you prefer heat or cold?

cold. fuck the heat

12. Name one fact about you that others may find unusual.

not my proudest moment but during my trip to japan last year i was so drunk that when i was in yokohama on the ferris wheel i tried to jump out of it

13. Are you shy?

yeah 😔

14. Do you have preferred pronouns?

she/her

15. Biggest pet peeve?

a bit personal since i’ve been getting it a lot lately but i cant stand when people ask me when i’m gonna have kids and when i say i don’t want them i ALWAYS without fail get the “oh you’re young you’ll change your mind” speech. why is what i do with my body your business? lmao shut up

16. What is your fave ‘dere’ type?

what?

17. Rate your life 1-10, 1 being really crappy and 10 being best it could ever be.

uh i guess a 5-6? i don’t have many friends, i dont have a job/not in school, im depressed but at least i have somewhere to live and im not sick

18. What is your main blog?

this one baby!!!!

19. List your side blogs and what they are used for.

dont have any

20. Is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

i hyperfixate on a lot of stupid shit and i wont shut up about them. im also very annoying ❤️

anyone i tag isn’t obligated to do it, it’s just for fun but uh i tag @4gottenname @james-the-apple @buttqueef @ellensenergyadventure @solarsyrup @justpeachybabey @kuso-leon

thats not 11 i know LMAO

[adhdbuzz]

(Quick note - I have copied this over from my main blog - this is my content...)

ADHD, Neurodivergence, Identity…

I want to start blogging about some of my experiences with mental illness and neurodivergence. Two words, that before this year, I would never of used in relation to myself.

One of the most fascinating and somewhat crippling aspects of learning you are neurodivergent, is becoming so hyperaware of your thoughts, actions, personality, wondering what’s you and what’s your diagnosis, (or what you are imagining/projecting because of your diagnosis). I likely drive my friends mad talking or joking about it, but it’s hard to articulate the complete upheaval that learning this about yourself creates. Suddenly your entire history and personhood is re-defined. You have to change your narrative. I spent most of my teenagehood and childhood feeling removed/estranged from the people and world around me. More than feeling an ‘outcast,’ I felt myself an alien. I believed (and felt that others believed), that I was incredibly lazy and did not have the drive to puruse my passions and potential. This left such a hole in my heart and self-confidence. Imagine that you have this great love for something - or many things, but can’t even motivate yourself to take one single step toward it. You lose interest in every hobby you’ve ever taken up and you don’t understand why you can’t just do the thing. It seems easy for everyone else? What am I missing? So you compensate. Suddenly (and very briefly), you are really into note-taking and study blogs and watching countless hours of videos on how to get organised and ‘change your life’ and you imagine what kind of person you could become.  Or you start every new year or semester with the goal to just stay on top of things, just remember, just write it down - everyone else does it? Why can’t you? Inevitably, that falls away.

What happens when you can’t maintain this? When suddenly those three assignments are due, you’ve dropped out of your class/hobby, you’ve missed another opportunity, avoided another goal and heard another person tell you, ‘you just need to get organised…’ ‘ you’ve got so much potential, you just need to apply yourself!’ “I don’t understand how you forgot/didn’t do the thing/didn’t write it down!”

I don’t think I can ever effectively describe the impact that this has had on me. There is something so devastating in not understanding there is something different about your brain during the really sensitive, formative years of your life. Because you end up spending so much time trying to work out why you are not like everyone else, why you struggle with things that most people find easy, why it is a constant battle to stay afloat, to have people angry with you/criticising you for something that you both feel should be in your control, but neurologically isn’t.  

ADHD is so severly misunderstood. It’s invisible and it is crippling. The image of the little boy in class who can’t sit still or stop talking is such a prevalent and damaging stereotype. Before I got my diagnosis and before I even had looked into ADHD, I spent hours researching what could be wrong with me and doing online ‘tests’. These ranged from anxiety, to depression, Bipolar, PMDD and Personality Disorders, (strangely enough, ADHD often exists alongside other mental illnesses and I was diagnosed with co-morbidities…) But I think this gives a degree of context to what undiagnosed ADHD feels like, because it’s not someone who wont shut up, or sit still. To me it feels like everyone else got a manual on how to be a person and I didn’t. Often times, it’s the depressed, anxious, struggling teenager or young adult, who feels so inadequate, who feels like an alien, who can’t even trust their own passions or interests. Who is in a constant battle to meet the expectations of themselves and those around them. Who’s socially awkward or uncomfortable, who’s disocciated, who can’t follow a conversation, or instructions, who suffers in loud spaces, who struggles with small talk, strangers, shopping centres, keeping themselves and their space clean, uni work, school work, chores, family, friendships, relationships, their identity, their passions, there interests, their personality, regualating their emotions

ADHD is so exhausting, because it’s a constant battle to just meet the base line. Every thing you do from the moment you get up, til the moment you are asleep (and even then) is impacted by it.

Say you have an assignment, and a couple of chores to do on one day. Not a big deal right? Ok so you set an alarm for 8am, except your brain didn’t turn off until 4am the night before, so you get up at mid day, you go to put the washing in, but you forgot to turn on yesterdays load, so you do that first, you go to make a morning coffee, you check the time, it’s 12.30 - where did half an hour go? I just got up?! (Time-blindness). You make your coffee and drink it while checking social media, which sucks you in, because your dopamine depleted brain craves stimuli! You check the time, its 1pm, you tell yourself you’ll scroll for ten more minutes, and that ten minute excuse repeats a few times. It’s 1.30 and now your angry, because why didn’t you have the self control! (Hint: you have a disordered executive function). You put your mug on the sink, promising you’ll come back to it later. You go back to the laundry, you realise you forgot to turn the dryer on. You go to do your assignment, you clear your desk, open laptop, but now you don’t know where to start - you can’t naturally prioritise tasks, or break down the individual steps that need to be done in order to complete an assignment, you must do this with the ‘skills’ you have actively had to learn from a coach, internet etc. It’s like trying to bake a cake with no measuring cups, or recipe! So now you are looking at the assessment outline, and what you’ve worked on already, and trying to close last nights 200 tabs of hyperfixation. You read the outline 5 times without actually reading it, on the 6th you try really hard, you’re fidgeting in your chair, it’s an almost physical pain having to sit there and read it. Your eyes feel glazy, there’s too many words and they look like a big smudge on the page. You quickly check messages (dopamine hit), you come back to the outline. Its been half an hour, you still haven’t started. It’s about 2pm, you havent had lunch or breakfast. You go make a tea and come back. Maybe you need backround music? You spend another 20 minutes finding the right playlist, except its not right because it’s either too stimulating or not stimulating enough. You find another playlist, or you go down the rabbit whole of some movie soundtrack you’ve been meaning to look at. It’s 2.45. The washing! You go back and finally get yesterdays load in the dryer and start the load you meant to do today. Might as well make another tea now that I’m up. Might as well check Facebook now I’ve been interrupted. I’ll start at 3.30. 3.30 rolls around, your sibling gets home from school. Noise, talking, lunchbox rattling, bags being unpacked. Distraction. The noise is painful, your executive function (the impaired part of the ADHD brain) is also responsible for emotional regulation. Suddenly you are so fiercly angry at the noise being made in the rest of the house. It’s so over stimulating it feels like sandpaper on your brain and ears, you feel sick to your stomach with rage, you are crying, sobbing. All because people in the other room are talking. You lay on your bed trying to calm the overwhelm and increasing stress at not having done your assignment. It’s 4pm. Mum asks why you left your mug out, or didn’t do the dishes (you were too busy thinking about doing the washing!) She notes the machine still going and tells you that you wont have time to put it in the dryer tonight, you’ll have to do it tomorrow. But you need those clothes for tomorrow, you’re having breakfast with a friend. You’ll have to reschedule. You message your friend, and repeat the standard script “god I am so sorry, I’m such a mess, can we do later in the morning? I’ve got to do chores…” they can’t reschedule, you cancel. You sit back down with the assignment. You fidget. It feels like a physical pain to have to sit there and force yourself to do it. You’ll do it tomorrow. You pack up, and get ready for bed, removing the pile on your bed back to your desk. Your sheets are unmade, it’s uncomfortable and you feel agitated. You’ve forgotten to brush your teeth, or clean your face. You scroll online, or hyperfocus on a new hobby, project, idea, that wont interest you tomorrow, until 3am. You set your alarm for 8am…

This is just one small example and snapshot of ADHD and the impact of Executive Dysfunction. Here are a couple of examples/descriptions of how it feels from the ADHD subreddit.

“Schrodinger’s ADHD: Everything is interesting and boring at the same time. Every subject, every hobby.”

‘The Two ADHD Moods: I can’t do it / I can’t stop doing it. The two types of ADHD time: Now  /  Not Now The two ADHD memory modes: I literally can not recall the words that just                                                         came out of my mouth  /                                                                                       I can recite the opening paragraph of                                                                 every single magic tree house book.’

I also want to talk Neurodivergence, as this is another misconception when it comes to ADHD. In the way that Autism, Tourettes, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia are all forms of neurodivergence, so is ADHD. ADHD is not a behavoural issue, but a neurobiological developmental disorder. ADHD also has many overlapping traits with Autism, (not to be confused as the same, ADHD is not on the spectrum). These include, sensory overwhelm/sensitivity, memory issues, hyperfocus/hyperfixation, interrupting conversation/trouble waiting in turn, issues reading/recognising social cues, stimming, perseveration, (getting ‘stuck’ on or repeating a thought, topic or idea, even if the conversation has moved on), and avoidance/trouble with eye contact.

To be clear, ADHD is not on the spectrum, a distinguishing feature between these neurotypes is the cause of the symptom. For example someone with ADHD may not recognise social cues due to inattention/overwhelm/impulsivity, where as someone with autism may struggle to interpret these social cues.

It is important for ADHD to be recognised as a neurotype, and not a behavoural issue.  When discussing ADHD traits with a neurotypical person, the response is often along the lines of ‘well everyone is a little distracted/unmotivated/lazy/forgetful/late sometimes.’ My response to that  ‘Would you say that everyone is a bit ‘socially awkward/shy’ sometimes to an autistic person? Or ‘everyone has trouble reading sometimes’ to a dyslexic person?’ I imagine the answer would be no, as it is understood that these traits are a consistent, uncontrollable and debilitating.

The more I have learnt and read about ADHD in the context of neurodivergence, the more I have tried to recognise the ways I hide or detract from my symptoms, by ‘masking’. This has included, taking on certain personas or feeding someone elses assumption about me as ‘the messy one,’ ‘the disorganised one,’ ‘the chaotic one.’ In the past I have almost embraced these stereotypes about myself, as it gave me a sense of identity, a framework with which to see and understand myself. Frustration and anger masked over-stimulation/overwhelm, I was not able to recognise the root of these feelings and I also learnt to fidget/stim in the ‘right’ way. When engaging in small talk with someone I am unfamiliar with, I often resort to mimicing or imitating how I have seen other people interact, speak etc and I am conscious of eye contact, (too much, too little?). I catch myself looking at people/staring too much and am constantly trying to gauge what the right amount is, where else to look, etc. I struggle a lot with taking turns in convesation, as I don’t always know where to interject, or I worry I will forget the thought, this has led me to just stay silent instead in conversations and present myself as serious, or elusive.

That’s really all I have to say for today. I think overall ADHD is far more complex and challenging than it is perceived to be, and these stereotypes are so harmful to people who have it and are trying to navigate not only their symptoms, but a world that is not understanding nor knowledgeable of the limitations and struggles of ADHD or neurodivergence.

I have a lot more to say on all this and will try and write more about this going forward. DM/comment etc if you have any thoughts or criticism of anything I have said. Disclaimer, I am still learning and may make mistakes regarding information, or discussing other neurotypes !

Here are some links you might want to check out if you have/think you have ADHD or you have a friend or family member with ADHD. I also highly, highly recommend the ADHD subreddit!

ADHD explained simply:

https://www.additudemag.com/what-is-adhd-symptoms-causes-treatments/

“ADHD is a developmental impairment of the brain’s executive functions. People with ADHD have trouble with impulse-control, focusing, and organization.

“’Attention deficit’ is, some experts assert, a misleading name. “Attention deregulation” might be a more accurate description since most people with ADHD have more than enough attention — they just can’t harness it in the right direction at the right time with any consistency.”

Comorbidities https://adhd-institute.com/burden-of-adhd/epidemiology/comorbidities/ “The majority of adults with ADHD have a diagnosed or undiagnosed comorbid psychiatric disorder, which can complicate diagnosis and treatment of ADHD.1-3“ ADHD and Autism https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/decoding-overlap-autism-adhd/ “A growing number of genetic studies support the notion of at least some shared causation between autism and ADHD. But imaging studies comparing brain structures and connectivity have yielded a confusing mix of similarities and differences. And some behavioral research has highlighted the possibility that outwardly similar features mask distinct underlying mechanisms. Inattention in a person with autism, for example, might result from sensory overload, and apparent social problems in someone with ADHD may reflect impulsivity. Perseveration https://www.understood.org/en/friends-feelings/common-challenges/self-control/perseveration-adhd-and-learning-differences

“(Kids) who perseverate often say the same thing or behave in the same way over and over again. And they do it past the point where it makes sense or will change anything. It’s like they’re stuck in a loop that they can’t get out of.”

ADHD and social skills https://chadd.org/for-adults/relationships-social-skills/#:~:text=Social%20Skills%20in%20Adults%20with,their%20inattention%2C%20impulsivity%20and%20hyperactivity.

“Social skills are generally acquired through incidental learning: watching people, copying the behavior of others, practicing, and getting feedback. Most people start this process during early childhood. Social skills are practiced and honed by “playing grown-up” and through other childhood activities. The finer points of social interactions are sharpened by observation and peer feedback.

Children with ADHD often miss these details. They may pick up bits and pieces of what is appropriate but lack an overall view of social expectations. Unfortunately, as adults, they often realize “something” is missing but are never quite sure what that “something” may be.”

ADHD and stimming https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/adhd/repetitive-behaviors-in-children-with-adhd-stimming-fidgeting-and-what-these-actions-may-mean/

“Many believe that stimming and fidgeting is reserved for those on the autism spectrum. However, it is now known that children with ADHD are just as likely to use repetitive body movements to self-stimulate. In fact, autistic stimming and non-autistic stimming are different. The main difference is that those with ADHD typically only use stimming for a short period of time while they are trying to concentrate. For example, someone with ADHD may stim for under an hour while those with autism will stim for several hours at a time. While stimming and fidgeting are typically seen as tapping or rocking, there are many other things that children with ADHD do to self-stimulate. There are actually five different variations of stimming, which include olfactory, vestibular, visual, tactile, and auditory.”