#one of those fucking cowards even fucking anonymously confessed

[drh3nryj3kyll]

I don't know how to feel about the fact some people saw me as a threat to their friend. I would say, "at least someone's taking me seriously!" but, well, they all treated me like a fucking joke anyway. Oh well.

[superconductivebean]

#1235: about confessions

I'm 26. I might seem young and inexperienced fandom-wise. Except I grew up on FailedFandomAnon-esque anon forums, remember LJ fandoms, Diary.ru and LI, Fandom Kombat, and I check in with the FFA-alikes on the regular basis to this day.

I'm also a native Russian speaker, and my fandom experience mainly includes Russian-speaking fandoms, as exemplified above. All these aren't English-speaking hellscapes. But with English-speaking ones, there are certainly overlaps and all, but what different is…

It feels like English-speaking fandoms, en masse, have never tried true anonymity, even in the noughties? With exceptions for dumpster fires such as 4chаn or kiwifаrms. Hence why, perhaps, people around here aren't keen on trying to converse anonymously: If you associate anonymity with hatespeach, I can't judge you. I hate when it's used by coward arseholes unable to stand ass up as proudly and eagerly as they do from under anon. I'm on par with Russian-speaking fandoms in our collective disdain for these hateful rats.

Which implies, that yes, our anon spaces have moderation, but it's not persona-based. We don't have names on there. It's linguistics-based. Too rude? Poshol nahui, banned. Too shit-mouthed? It isn't 2ch, get out. Policing everyone in the thread? Do that in your own, personal diary, please. Trying to recruit an anon army to raid someone's comments? Poshol nahui, we're not your faithful summons, pray we don't guess who you are, asshat. And so on.

There, we are discussing fandom matters and its history sometimes, we needn't personalities to do that; we can be bashful and rude of course, but we are met with the same attitudes and are often asked to tone the fuck down if we'd like to continue (otherwise people will leave; anonymity doesn't and shouldn't mean Be Rude Be Phobic Be A Menace Just To Tell Those Libs11!!1, it's meant for speaking without prejudice and bias associated with our names, whatever these biases might be down to a single anon (I've seen it all peapals; some people won't talk to you if you like a certain character but will if you wear an anon mask; yes I'm aware of the comedy, it's everyone and mine favourite genre, and gets us every time)).*

On the confession blogs, usually if not always, you'd get exploded arses and wrecked friendships rather than addressing any issues or talking them through and getting corrected in your assumptions (or caught on telling lies and wishful thinking). Like, a confession isn't even about a conversation or problem solving of any kind.

It's all about venting. Venting doesn't get you anywhere other than… letting it off your chest, really. Any psychologist will tell you that. And will follow up with a suggestion to start working on your problems instead of endlessly complaining about things. Your vents will create more problems and will solve none except maybe make you feel better for a short second—at everyone's expense.

Maybe don't do that if you want to have fruitful and respectful conversations about stuff around here that bothers you—or any fandom therein, socmed-wise.

Anyway, my point is, anonymity—if handled correctly, it is possible— is an one way to talk through points of contention people have with stuff around the fandom. Another would be just…

Post about your hardships in the tag? Do the We Need To Talk thing? People will understand. That they might disagree, well. What are your priorities? To talk things through and probably agree to disagree, or getting pent up and potentially ruin everything by words too sharp?

*As you can also imagine, hateful peapol may overtake threads, still. Sometimes they do. The thread can die but can also be revived by knight anons who will fight these demons away. Or if when the new anons will discover the thread and evict the pests. You got the idea. Also. Anonymity allows to discuss gardening in shameless details. There is hardly anything funnier that being called Soup Cactus Anon. Or addressing the local pest as the Black Mold. In such a place, there's obviously a thread about some anons that piss everyone off. This is the local newspaper. Then there is that fucking hellhole, 'Fandom Grievances'. Deranged crappot, I hate it; '12 Things You HATE About Fandoms' is less toxic, people have polite talks there, can you imagine.

[shimmershae]

So.  Thanks to my new anonymous friend, this is going to become a thing.

Shae’s thinky thoughts about the latest episode--Acheron:  Part 2--beneath a cut. 

Because spoilers, however vague they might be.  

Let’s be real here.  This is more a stream of consciousness than anything else so if that’s not your thing, you are most welcome to nope right on out of this post.  Trust me.  I’ll completely understand, lol.  Sometimes?  I wish I could nope right on out of my own brain and the way it operates.  

That said?  Without further ado--

Episode 2′s opening, though.  Maggie trapped with hungry Walkers converging?  It totally gives me Glenn under the dumpster vibes.  I don’t know if that was intentional or just happy coincidence but way to link Maggie to her dearly departed better half, show.  

Is it just me or has Father G had more OOMPH to him these last few seasons?  Again, I have to ask--Rosita’s influence or no?  Regardless, I bet Seth Gilliam is loving the job these days.  

Side note:  am I gonna have to go to bed early every Saturday night from now until the end just so I that I might be able to SEE?  Something?  Anything?  My curtains are flimsy-ass.  I admit it.  But this is more frustrating than TXF.  Angela, WTF?  

No, seriously.  It’s like complete guess work who’s in these subway scenes.  Some of that has to do with them being overly populated by redshirts and the rest of it has to do with me having to squint and turn sideways to make out their facial features. 

Look at Daryl busting through concrete walls!  Should I call him the Kool-Aid Man considering NR has once again allowed himself to be led right into a biased, shipper trap?  Hmm.  I might.  

Imagine seeking refuge in those dark, filthy subways.  Any second now I expect to hear the skittering of rats.  Will Dog lose his effing mind a la Divergence?  He’s been shown to go off half-cocked that way, lol.  Oh well.  Guess it’ll be in character if he does.  

Impressive graffiti storyboards.  Does it mean something that it immediately cuts to the Commonwealth storm troopers afterward?  Maybe.  Who really knows at this point?  They been trying to gaslight us forever.  

LOL at Princess yet again.  Yumiko is just like da fuq is this person?  

No, really.  LMAO.  “That was her.  From last night.  Did you see how she was looking at us?”  

Then you have Eugene, hahaha.  “Oh God.  Why did he tell off the big guy?”  Like the man is totally me in this type of situation.  Not even gonna lie.  

“That’s right.  We want to talk to the manager.”  

I literally cannot wait ‘til Carol and Daryl meet Princess.  Can.  Not.  Wait.  

How sad is that note on that $100 bill?  Small moment but it totally gives me Season 4 vibes when they were on their way to Terminus seeking sanctuary.  

Hmm.  Remember how that place wasn’t what they thought it was?  I’m sure neither is the Commonwealth.  But I feel like what’s left of Team Family is totally going to do Rick proud, lol, and prove they’re messing with the wrong people if they try something.  

Daryl, Man.  You gonna have to get a better handle on your headstrong Fur Son.  I wonder if Dog would listen better to his mama?  Things to ponder.  

Sounds like Miko has this group’s number.  Or does she?  

Princess and Eugene totally look like they’re waiting their turn for the Principal’s office, LOL.  

“Stop moving!  You’re taking my nerves over the edge to a proverbial 11 on a scale of 10.”  I feel you, Eugene.  I do.  Also you, Princess.  Two of the most relatable TWD characters right there, I’m telling you.  

Princess is me when I really, really, really have to pee.  TMI?  Sorry, lovelies.  LOL.  I just...she’s so relatable.  

LMAO.  “If that fine ass dude in the orange suit...”  Princess and Mercer incoming in 3-2-----

Princess’s excitement over the toilet paper=PRICELESS.  

Eugene, Man.  You desperately need to develop a poker face.  

There’s Daryl getting another cool camera shot.  Angela?  You playing favorites again?  

Carol’s claustrophobia could have never.  I bet that’s in the back of Pookie’s mind.  You can’t tell me it’s not because Carol lives in there rent-free.  

Ohhh.  Back to the subway car.  Looks like we got the Maggie redshirts leading the way.  First sacrificial “lambs”?  

Maggie pistol-whipping Negan was kinda deserved, but he wasn’t all wrong so.  

Damn.  I’m no Gage fan.  He can fuck all the way off for what he did to my baby Lydia.  But Maggie over there with ice in her veins.  

Yep.  I think the dude just got one of the most gruesome deaths in a while.  Yuck.  

I think Alden’s faith in Maggie definitely took several hits.  I feel like he kind of had her on some sort of pedestal dating back to Hilltop times.  Father G, though?  The man is continuing to show himself a SAVAGE MFer.  

Josh gives Eugene such believable tics and mannerisms.  He IS Eugene.  

Thank you, Maggie, for lighting that flare.  I could not see a damn thing.  

What are these bad memories Negan alludes to?  Hmm?  Him being a shit husband to Lucille back when he was still taking her for granted?  

Father G on Gage’s Walker--”All that is, is a shell of a man, who died a coward.”  Kind of ironic considering Father G’s own origins, huh?  Has he any warmth in there for anybody but Rosita and Coco?  Does he equate it with weakness?  

“There are worse ways.”  And Maggie proceeds to paint us a horror story with mere words.  

Dark Maggie really surpasses anything certain fans have ever accused Carol of being.  Is she too far gone?  Who the hell knows?  I think it’s clear that she and Carol are both on a sliding scale of sorts when it comes to being able to compartmentalize shit to survive.  Personally?  I feel like Maggie might have leap-frogged Carol in this episode but it matters none because of the double standards so deeply entrenched in this fandom.  Both women have endured and had to do some horrific things.  It’s not a contest.  But it’s probably going to be turned into a season-long one.  

It’s almost like Kang was like, “Ya’ll bitches think Carol’s dark?  I’ll show you DARK.  Check and mate.”  

Whatever the reasoning, Maggie just got exponentially more interesting to me if not likable.  And before anybody out there comes at me, it’s entirely possible to be on a character’s side in some things and not be all up their ass in love with them, lol.  Like I’m attached to her because she’s family and Glenn loved her.  There’s a loyalty there and she absolutely is justified in her hatred of Negan.  But I’m not going to pretend her shit don’t stink like everybody else’s.  

Speaking of my baby Glenn.  What would he think of this version of Maggie?  I think he would be gutted and heart stricken that events led to her being like this but he’d understand because he’s pure like that.  Don’t mean he’d be A-OK with it all.  

Dog must be protected at all costs.  

Confession.  I know not the fuck who Pony Boy is, but I know him because all my fandom friends have pointed him out to me, lol.  RIP, Man.  I think you’re number’s up or close to it.  

Okay, though.  I admit it.  I am kinda LOVING Badass Father G.  

That scene in the subway car with all of them working to take all the Walkers out was already badass.  Then Daryl arrived and made it, in @freefromthecocoon’s words, HAWT.  LOL.  

Eugene staring at that little black book like it contains torture tools, hehehe.  

“Processed?  As in administratively?  Processed as in bologna or other meat stuffs?  This inquiring (enquiring?) mind needs to know.”  OMG, Eugene.  I admit it.  Even if it makes me look like a lunatic, LOL.  I straight up LMAO at that one.  I mean, ten years later and Terminus still fresh on the man’s mind.  

“You like feeling nervous?”  Well, no.  None of us that do, Mercer?  Do.  

Then he proceeds to make me howl with his “You can’t lie for shit” to Eugene.  

Josh McDermitt?  I love you, Man.  40 year old virgin, LOL.  

All this talk over the seasons of Daryl’s virginity and we have Eugene, hahaha.  But was he telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?  

Finally.  Some daylight.  Where I can see.  

Eugene’s relief at seeing his friends safe and sound was such a beautiful thing to see.  I loved those hugs.  

Mercer’s face when he snarled “beat cop�� in disdain to Ezekiel.  I think I’m gonna love this dude.  

“I went to West Point.  Asshole.”  Yeah.  I am.  

I know they probably catfishing Eugene right here because spoilers tell us that ain’t Stephanie.  But my heart still did a little d’aww.  Angela.  Don’t play with his poor heart like that.  

What’s got Daryl so pensive, huh?  Is it that the note reminds him of kids being lost or taken from their family? Or separated from their family?  Is he thinking of those Grimes babies and wondering if Michonne will ever make it back and why and how she was able to leave them behind?  Tell me it ain’t that Find Me nonsense.  

“This place sure has gone to shit since the last time I was here.”  LMAO, JDM.  I mean Negan.  Sorry.  Sorry.  I still hate Negan, but JDM has me entertained at least since they gave the asshole some shades of gray.  And speaking of shades of gray.  I’m loving the gray beard.  JDM’s looking GOOD (hear that NR?  Embrace the gray).  Negan can still kick rocks, lol.  

Anyway.  That scene was CREEPY AF.  Not even gonna lie.  

The Reapers strutting right on up to our group like it’s The Purge:  ZA.  

My bad, Pony Boy. Now RIP.  

Dark, dark episode with loads of tension broken up by some welcome humor by Princess.  The girl is fast becoming a fave of mine.  

My baby’s back next week!!!

I’m just going to plug my ears and pretend they’re trying to capture/recapture the horses because they’re pets.  Not because they’re starving so bad they feel the need to eat them.  La la la la la.  I can’t hear you.  

[estrel]

untitled coda

submitted by anonymous

Summary: Dean lets himself be something more than his father’s son.

Pairing: mentioned Dean/Cas, Sam/Eileen and Claire/Kaia

(Note: Two years post-canon. Most events post-15x18 ignored/retconned. Any inconsistencies are from that and/or me not having watched the last 5 seasons. TW: mentions of abuse)

—————-

Baby’s grille digs into Dean’s back, cold seeping through the denim of his jeans from the concrete he sits on. The creeper dolly and his tools lay abandoned for now. His head rests upon the chrome. He hasn’t touched Baby in weeks, walking to work in the early morning just before sunrise, even when the stormfront came through and nearly soaked him to the bone. He felt the shadow of his father in the driver’s seat and couldn’t stand the itch.

“I don’t know how you lived with yourself.”

Dean speaks quietly into the echo of the Bunker’s garage. He thinks of John, behind the wheel and tapping his fingers to a guitar solo. He hates asking questions to the open air, but John had rarely given him the respect of an honest answer even in arms’ reach.

“Sam knows, about the kind of shit you put me through. Got sick of protecting your sorry ass.”

Dean ducks his head, forty-three and still wary of his father’s hand, and his belt, and the butt of his pistol with an empty chamber but a loaded magazine. The skin on the back of his neck flushes hot with anger and shame. The old man is dead and he’s still waiting for retaliation.

He doesn’t apologize. Dean lifts his head and stares at the ceiling, eyes burning and throat tight from all the words he never voiced clogging his chest. Damn near two years of therapy got him to this point, where the words still don’t come easy but he can wrench them out of his head when he needs to. He needs to now, like he needs to when he sits in that office with Sam and they process, like he needs to when it’s just him and his psychologist and over eighty years worth of pain.

Most of the time, when it’s him and Sam, sixty minutes per week isn’t enough. Sam hops in the car (or recently, sits next to him on the curb), and they talk. For a while it was mostly screaming, arguing, until it wasn’t. Then it became letting horrors out of their hearts, commiserating, comforting. Hurting and healing all at once. Letting Sam be someone other than his baby brother and being someone other than his protector.

There’s a lot he’s still working up the nerve to tell. Same with Sam, he sees it when the topic strays to the Cage. But he’d told his little brother about the first time their father struck him, and the look on Sam’s face shook him. The guilt in Sam’s voice, for not knowing (“You had enough shit to deal with, Sam, like hell I was gonna make you live with that.”), for not doing more to help (“I had to protect you, not the other way around.”) is what made it all sink in.

“He actually apologized to me, you know that?” Dean smiles, bitter. “For what you did to me.”

Dean tenses.

“I hate you. You had the damn gall to make me responsible for that kid’s happiness and you set me up to fail.”

Dean swallows to ease the tension in his throat.

“I could forgive Mom.” Dean’s voice cracks now, and he clenches his jaw against it, vision swimming in unshed tears. “She didn’t get to stick around to fix her mistakes but you- you looked at us every fucking day and-” He stops. Breathes. Dean lets the tears fall angry and hot. “I was supposed to be your son, not your fucking weapon.”

In, one, two, three, four. Out, five, six, seven, eight.

“I will never forgive you. I…” Dean huffs a sad laugh. “I didn’t even think there was anything to forgive for a long time. A long time. I made so many fucking excuses for you. I drove your car. Wore your jacket, tried to be you. And none of it helped. ‘Cause Bobby was right. You were a fucking coward.”

Dean lets out a breath and feels his chest loosen with it.

“You talked a big game about family and-and blood but where were you when I needed you?” He seethes, and this is how it goes. He’s spent so long pushing down the vitriol, the hurt, that he’s gotta work up to the anger. Let it simmer in his heart and head before he really feels it, because John never let him. Had him backpedaling before he could even get started. But he’s feeling it now. “Where were you when Sam needed you? If it wasn’t for me he would’ve been alone! I was alone!” Dean sniffs, breath shuddering. “And I fucked up. So much. But who was around to teach me any better, 'cause you damn sure didn’t.”

His own voice echoes at him, and Dean quiets.

“I thought I could understand you, y'know, desperate times and all that shit. But I have my own family now.”

He remembers Cas, the tears in his eyes as he confessed to something Dean dreamed of but never dared to hope for. I love you.

He remembers sitting in catatonia the entire night after he was taken, after he died to save him. Remembers the moments in between when the lucidity broke through and he sobbed, wrecked. Mourning and in love and regretting.

He remembers dragging Cas out of the Empty with his bare hands, watching his grace twine with the tendrils of blackness as the opening closed behind them for good.

He remembers pressing close to Cas, hidden away in a dark corner of the library, when he said, I’m yours, Cas. If you’ll stay then I’m yours.

He thinks of Jack, five years old now and at that age, Dean didn’t speak. He curled around Sam in his crib at night, his little brother’s shield before he knew how much weight the title really carried. Jack is sweet, more than anything, musing about the life around him and people and wanting to preserve the beauty in it, be apart of that beauty if he could. Dean thinks he takes after Cas in that, and the thought brings a small smile to his face.

He thinks of Claire, tough and smart and enjoying the magic of first love with Kaia. How the first thing she does is poke fun at him when she visits before he wraps her in a hug (and returns the favor). How proud he is that though she’s seen so much, faced so much for her age, that she’s already so much better than Dean had been at that age.

He thinks of Sam and Eileen, such perfect complements to each other. He can trust Eileen to be there for Sam when he can’t, be his foundation. Sam’s come into his own, a leader in the hunting community now, a scholar of its history. Eileen’s held him down, a strong woman and a hell of a hunter and his partner in every way. They’ve worked through so much of their own pain together and it’s almost comical how happy they are in each other’s presence. Dean rests easy knowing he can let Sam live life without his constant, watchful eye.

“I ain’t perfect. Hell, understatement of the year. But I try. Every day. 'Cause they don’t deserve any of my shit. They gave me so many chances already.”

And this is where Dean pauses, braces and stops himself from thinking of all the ways he’s failed already. All the ways he’s hurt them. Everything he has to fix.

“I love them so much.” Dean breathes those words, because the force of it always hits him hard. He feels it in every atom of his being. “More than you ever loved me. And I’ll spend all the time I got left showing it. 'Cause if it’s the last goddamn thing I do, I’ll be a better man than you.”

[johannstutt413]

(requested by anonymous; continuing from this)

It was a perfectly normal day on Rhodes Island, and W was in terrible pain. Not physical pain, no, that was far more easy to stomach. No, the pain she was experiencing was emotional, spiritual, existential, like she was dying, and in a way, she was. Her purpose, it seemed, was dying, falling through her hands like ash in an ivory hourglass, counting down to the moment she finally had to admit that he was gone.

Of course, he wasn’t, at least not physically; she’d had her suspicions when she’d first confessed to the new Doctor, simultaneously feeling him out mentally as she did physically, but there were no cracks to tear into, no masks to peel back, no openings to dive through. This new Doctor who’d taken the old one’s body - which she’d finally found proof of when she’d seen his bare back lying in her bed this morning, the morning after the first salvo of the apocalypse - had in fact fully consumed him, subsumed him, replaced him, leaving nothing but confusion and disbelief and dread and sorrow in his wake...Well, maybe not in his wake, since that implied anyone but W felt like this, but-

There was a knock on the bathroom door. A familiar voice - an all too familiar voice - in an unfamiliar-until-recently tone. “Dubbs? You’ve been in there for awhile now, and I haven’t heard a flush...Is everything okay?”

“I’m...fine.” No, not even slightly, and the Sarkaz knew he’d read it in the tone of her response, but there was nothing she could do about that. There was nothing she could, period. Everything had fallen apart, every plan fallen through, every scheme to unveil the imposter and execute him for his treason proven to be castles built in and of sand-

“Alright.” The Doctor gently slid his hand along the door a couple of times. Maybe symbolically patting her head or something? “I’ll be out here if you need anything.”

She did. “Actually, could...could you come in here? I didn’t lock it.”

“Yeah, of course.” With the speed he did just that, there was no denying he’d had his hand on the knob in case...in case of what? What would she have- oh. Yeah, there was that possibility, wasn’t there? The coward’s way out? No, not her, not today at least.

“I, um...” Damnit, there wasn’t a way for her to look badass and say this, was there? Fuck it, why start caring about that with him now? “You’ve got me really fucked up right now, Doctor.”

He didn’t react to that nearly as strongly as she expected; all he did was squat in front of the (closed) toilet she was sitting on and gently caress her cheek. “How so?”

“You’re too...good. Too not evil. Too not...the you I need to kill.”

“You’re starting to realize that guy’s not around anymore, huh?” A moment passed after he finished those words, and W collapsed onto him. “Oh, Dubbs-”

The Sarkaz pounded a fist against his right shoulder. “It’s not fair! I was supposed to come back from all this time, training to be the right kind of cold-hearted killer and saboteur to destroy him from the roots up, and utterly annihilate him in revenge for what the Doctor did to Theresa, but I come back - at your request - to find that Rhodes Island is some damn paradise, and the Doctor is now the savior-king who runs it as a benevolent lord? What hell is this?! Why didn’t I just die when she did, huh? Why did he leave me to suffer?! WHY?!”

“Oh, Dubbs...” The Doctor just wrapped his arms around her, taking the light physical abuse as she continued beating on his back even as she cried into his neck.

“It’s not fair! It’s not fair! Why does love fucking work like this?” She pressed her head against him as if she thought she could crack her skull open that way. “I used to hate the person in this body so much I’d burn armies to the ground, but now I just wanna...I just wanna...I...” Now she wasn't sure where the tears were coming from, but come they did.

And he simply sat there, holding her gently but firmly, until her wailing had calmed down enough for her to register what he was going to say. “You never said goodbye, did you?”

“The fuck are you talking about? Do you say goodbye to your enemies, too, like the Sankta you are?”

“I admit, I prefer shooting them with my pistol like any normal person.” He sighed, his breath tickling her ear and somehow grounding her in the moment. “No, Dubbs, I meant you never said goodbye to Theresa, did you?”

That just set her off again.

Another long moment of wailing in the Doctor’s arms passed before W was once again ready to receive. “Do you think she’d want you to remember her as the cause for all this anger? All this pain? All this suffering, both yours and others’?”

“N-no, she...she’d hate that.” She scoffed. “No, she didn’t hate anything. Just like you, she was a saint, a truly pure soul that the world couldn’t bear to compare itself to.”

“You know she snored when she slept?”

...What? “How do you-”

“She snored. After she and the Doctor were ready to go to bed, Theresa would settle herself under the covers, snuggle up to him, wrap her arms around him, and snore directly in his ear.” He chuckled. “I think she actually made him more deaf in his left ear than his right, if my hearing’s anything to go by.”

“You remember that?” Oh, now things were getting worse again. If it turned out there was still part of the old Doctor in there-

But he shook his head. “The Doctor kept a journal, and he wrote that sort of thing down. It’s a lot of reading - dozens of notebooks written in a child’s scribble more than handwriting, incessantly reporting every little thing Theresa, Amiya, Dr. Kal’tsit, and a certain Sarkaz did.”

“No, there’s...” W shook her head. “He didn’t notice me.”

“He must have, because there isn’t another soul here who ‘sang the Queen’s praises day and night,’ who ‘must’ve dreamed of holding her the way [he] did in the heat of passion.’ Honestly, some of it shouldn’t have been written down, I think there’s a strong case for his arrest in there, and that’s before he openly plotted her murder.”

The grip around his waist was iron-tight. “He what.”

“It was no accident,” the Doctor admitted. “The Doctor killed her on purpose.”

“...Why?”

He sighed. “Because she was too pure for this world, and he didn’t want her to live long enough to become a villain. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one who thought that way, because at one point he wrote that Theresa asked her to do it, but to make it a surprise so she didn’t give anything away or try to prepare. One of their best-kept secrets, I guess.”

“That’s...” Okay, now she knew she was fucking insane. “That’s what I would do if I were him.”

“I know you would; the difference is, you’re not him, and I’m not Theresa. I’m just as broken and imperfect as anyone else here, so you don’t have to kill me to save me. You’d be too late on that end, anyway.” He smiled sadly at her, pain visible in his eyes, too. She wasn’t the only one.

W sighed and buried her face in his neck again. “Fuck.”

“Yeah, me too.” The Doctor still continued to refuse to let go. “I know it’s going to take time, and even when you’ve had time, you may never feel like yourself again - I know I never will - but Dubbs, so long as I’m still breathing, I want you to promise me you won’t let me let go, okay?”

“Let go? Of what?”

He pulled back enough so she had to look him in the eye. “Of you, silly.”

“Doctor.” It wasn’t him, but...it was, somehow. “They’ll have to blast me away with my own detonator to do that.”

“Then you’d better not let that thing out of your sight.” The smile was genuine, but his eyes told her how serious he was.

The Sarkaz tilted her head just enough as she leaned forward so her lips could do the same for him.

[tayegi]

Ahhhh I love how u ended chapter 11 of NR!!! I am SO here for OC calling jk out on his bullshit 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Anonymous said:Lu, I think this was my favourite chapter of new rules so far. This one really hit home for me – a similar thing happened to me before with a guy, said he liked me, but treated me like a walking vagina and then he turned round and got a girlfriend like I meant nothing. And this chapter really brought it back for me, you wrote it so well and the emotions feel very raw. I also love the friendship portrayal of Yerin and Mijoo, it's nice to see that chicks before dicks mentality in a fic for once :)

thotitup said:the new chapter of NR is amazing!!! I usually finish chapters needing a new one for closure/satisfaction but this one could be the ending and i would be just fine!! girl said what she had to say and went into the storm (metaphor for heartbreak and epiphany journey?) by herself like a BOSS ASS BITCH. Jk is cancelled until he grows up, nice work xxx

Anonymous said:Jeon jungkook really is a fucking coward. I was crying with oc the whole time. What I really respect about her though is her bravery to tackle on her problems headon. She's afraid but that didn't stop her from confessing her feelings and calling jungkook out, laying her feelings out there in a room full of frat boys. I would neverbe able to do that. She shows her strengths even in her weakest moments. She's definitely one of my fav oc in existence. Thank you for writing this!!

Anonymous said:being a lesbian really do be the best thing to ever happen to me bc men AINT IT ! love ur fic x amazing as always :)))uwu

Anonymous said:The OC spitting the truth in JK's face?? "You're not the relationship type ? "..." You love that shit." & the "It'd be easier to get over you"? I could've cried it was amazing I love her so much. And JK too but she is right. She doesn't have to endure all of his insecurities & unsolved issues. Sure he very probably have his reasons. But if he doesn't try to work on them with her, she doesn't have to suffer from it. She grew up a lot during the series. Thanks to him for a part. It's his turn now.

Anonymous said:A thing that I really wanted to tell you is how the O/C of New Rules pushed me to be more vocal and supportive to other women. I honestly think that she is a person to look up to. Although she has flaws (as other humans), I consider her a role model for what she does for other women. Thank you so much for this story. ⭐️

Anonymous said:BITCH IM SCREAMING U UPDATED NEW RULES !!!!! Ok I just finished reading and like..... damn..... ur mind.... the way you've fleshed out ur characters is so incredible you've spent so much time carving these characters like they're 3d yo also y/n is such a bad bitch !! She needs to listen to that vibe "I'm a bad bitch! U cant kill me!" This ask is all over the place but just know uh I love this story the characters the writing the dialogue & u obviously. Thank u for sharing ur talent w us kween 💖

Anonymous said:This chapter squeezed my heart so bad but I am SO happy that OC stood up for herself in the end I literally LOVED her speech especially about the toxic masculinity, im proud that she was able to speak out what she was feeling and hopefully it got through to jk who obviously has some emotional barrier or something, this whole chapter is so relevant to hookup culture and young relationships and ppl often don’t confront others with their feelings so this was rlly refreshing

Anonymous said:I LOVE NR!!! I just love the new chapter. Expecially the last part where the OC finally call jungkook out! You really are amazing Lu

Anonymous said:I love how multidimensional all of the characters in NR are holy shit. I could probably go in depth on a bunch of examples, but I think the OC stood out to me the most in this chapter. I've read fics about strong women before which is awesome but sometimes they're just like... unrealistically strong where they can immediately brush off their feelings. I'm SO HAPPY you write the OC where she's obviously affected by the rejection but realizes that she has to be there for Yerin and wow I love her

Anonymous said:when the oc barged into the frat house I was so proud of her like yes queen! tell them how disgusting toxic masculinity is! go go go ❤️ thank you so much for updating lu 💛

Anonymous said:i thought that the oc was brave because she confessed her feeling and we all know how much courage you have to muster to let yourself be so vulnerable BUT when she called out jungkook???? in front of those frat fuckbois????? that was so fucking bad ass, i really love her with all my heart because it doesn’t matter how much she’s hurting, she’s always showing a confident & strong facade

lovemusicn1d said:Luuuu, I love the fact that the main character is subjected to the idea of "grow up and get your shit together" for having what I personally think is a normal reaction to being treated the way she was by Jungkook, whereas at the end she grabs the situation at hand and flings it back into the depths of hell where it belongs because fuck the idea that emotions are weak and THANK YOU for having her confront that issue and making it so she doesn't let herself be shamed for what she feels altogether.

Anonymous said:hi! thank you for updating us with such an empowering & strong chapter of new rules!!! i immediately told all my friends that u updated and was always amazed by ur characterization of the oc!!! she is such a boss i love ur work it really inspired me a lot thank you

Anonymous said:thanks for ch 11!! short but intense! i thought this chapter would make me feel sad in a way due to jungkook's actions, but instead it ended with me feeling empowered lmfao!!! rooting for the oc and how she stuck up for herself! i loved the part about the discord between giving and receiving love and toxic masculinity. it's something society still struggles with today ugh.

Anonymous said:Chapter 11 is my favorite of the story so far!!! So many things happened in one chapter aaahhhh. Go OC! Hit him with the truth!!! As what Red Velvet says "Shot another bad boy down."

bangtan-sai said:OC from the new chapter of new rules is incredibly brave! She confessed and didn't try to backtrack. Even when Jungkook avoided her she continued to try to talk to him. She called him out in front of all those people. She may have found it difficult to do these things but she still found the courage to do them and I think that's amazing 💖

Anonymous said:Chap 11 made me feel things and i really do admire the oc a lot after this chapter. I love that she stood up for herself when jk was trying to make her feel like it was a one-sided r/s. The way he reacted to her confession was uncalled for, and it was very brave of the oc to call him out for being a coward and pushing her away. It certainly wasn't easy given how his friends were "mocking" her towards the end and the fact that she held her head high makes me want to root for her even more!!💖 💖

taetata95 said:I feel so like !!!! idk like I’ve been waiting for oc to kick jungkooks ass and THE WAY SHE STORMED IN THERE I LOVED IT I’ve been meaning to message you about new rules I love it it breaks my heart ngl the way she thinks about herself but I want to see oc kick some ass and IM BASICALLY READING IT FOR OC I LOV HER

Anonymous said:YES GO GIRL JUST GET OVER THAT LIL SHIT. YOU DESERVE BETTER. men and their toxic masculinity can fuck off srsly ugh

Anonymous said:I finally got to reading ch 12 of NR tonight and ended up in tears at the last scene when oc stands up to jungkook in front of all his other frat brothers. Telling them they’re a bunch of children that clings to their toxic masculinity, that was really cool of her and i wish i could be as courageous. i’ve always been proud of NR oc but i love her even more!

Anonymous said:“Because it’ll be so easy getting over you.” Yaaaaaasss girl throw it in his face. This line made me want to both cry from the angst and jump up and down cheering OC on for her confidence. I know people are sad about them ending, but I'm excited for the next part of this fic. Jungkook really has been an asshat so I'm happy OC finally realized his issues and confronted him.

LAKSDJFLSDFJ this makes me so happy!!! there is nothing i love more than girls supporting girls

and this esp makes me happy bc i have been planning this exact confrontation scene since like sept 2017 and was so nervous about it! in fact, the last line “it’ll be so easy getting over you” was prob the one thing that inspired me to write this entire, enormous, monstrous fic in the first place. so im so relieved that it’s out there and more importantly, that you guys have related to it so much klasdjf you guys are the best and i love you all

[petalsbloomed-a]

Anonymous whispered: be honest: what was going through your head on naxzela?

send “be honest” and a question and my muse will answer honestly.

✮*•̩̩͙✧•̩̩͙*˚✧*˚    There was a bit of a stab of pain in his chest, and he almost outwardly winced at the question.  Gods, he remembered that day...when the planet was nearly turned into a bomb and he made the brash decision to fly right into the shield, sacrificing himself in order to save the rest of his team.  He had been so incredibly suicidal, so stuck in himself that he figured that he’d make one final move of honor that led to his ultimate death.  He didn’t want to kill himself...he’d always wanted to wait for the right time, the right moment to make his move, rid the universe of his existence once and for all.

     ❝ ...I don’t think I’ve ever felt as close to death as that day... ❞  he breathed out, his body visibly trembling.  ❝ But, fuck, I just...I didn’t want to live any longer.  But I didn’t want everyone else to think that I was a coward, taking my life with my own hands.  I wanted to die an honorable death, saving those that I was too afraid to call the people I most cared about at the time.  My mind was numb...but in the very back of it I could just recall how they’d all react when I was gone.  Deep down I just...I knew that I would have made a mistake.  That’s why I pulled away when I realized that Lotor had shot down the ship’s shield instead...I booked it and I remember making it away just in time...if I had stayed for a fraction of a second longer, I would have been finished. ❞

     It was so...weird, confessing all these feelings to someone he couldn’t even see.  Not a friend, or a newfound family member...but all the same, he felt like he was obligated to tell the truth.

[fabianavolpato-blog]

The Eye Collector

The clock on the bloodstained wall marks exactly two o’clock in the morning, the cold breeze coming in through the broken window freezes my private operating room. The rusty surgical instruments, the aluminum stretcher and the flashing lights on the moldy ceiling complement a dark and grotesque environment, reminiscing nostalgically my days as a coroner at the morgue in São Paulo.

Seeing the bodies exposed at work exalted my creative mind. The left side of my brain has always been highlighted over the right side, I confess that it’s not easy to feed the aggressive, impulsive and fearless beast that lives inside me. The unbridled psychopathy that I carry like a two-ton weight, has grown over the past few years, due to the lack of capacity and professionalism of my late psychiatrist Dr. Eduardo Monister.

The monster that I am today is the result of a reflection of a life filled with hate, evil and abandonment, but that don’t dissolve the guilt that I don’t have, but I know that I would have it if I felt something, a single feeling.

Within the world that I created, I only seek to demonstrate my potential. It’s not a mere whim, I subtract from the rotten streets of Campinas the sum of the society, that harm the fate of good people. Being a police investigator in my spare time, makes it easier to search for future victims, whom I choose by hand.

Right now, as I introduce myself to you, I scalp a 40-year-old man. Fat, bald and filled with stretch marks, his legs, arms, torso and limbs are separated one by one on the table orderly, satisfying my desire for now. In less than a minute, I will shred your remains so there are no clues or suspicions, being cautious never hurts.

This mediocre rapist will never use his dick again. Ending the ritual as usual, I will keep one of his cornea in my solid wooden box. Blessed souvenir addiction.

The art of annihilating with the revenge flame made me the most feared serial killer in the country. I have several names spread on social media, like crazy, vigilante, abominable, devil, tramp, but by the local news and criminal investigations in my PD, I am titled as case 346 “The Eye Collector”. The status of the investigation remains open.

— Júlio Fonseca, you bastard! What can I do for you?

— Rafael, my friend. How are you? I want to ask you a huge favor, and you’re the best.

— Don’t come here and drool my egg! Tell me right now, I’m leaving for lunch.

– I want to analyze some files from last week’s convicts. I need to include the final reports and send it to Isadora, so she can file it. – Asked Júlio with a smile on his face.

— Didn’t you know? She was stabbed and is in the hospital. Her jealous husband sent a warning, just in case she proceeds with the divorce.

— Really? Robson Azevedo? From the new year party?

— Yes, that bastard! He paid the bail laughing behind our backs and went out using the front door.

— Mother#@*$%&! I hope justice can be done in a way or another. About the paperwork, I hand over to the intern. Thank you for letting me know.

It’s a pity that woman still suffer from domestic violence, we are in the 21st century and not in the stone age. There are so many laws to protect them and none of them has any effect. I get angry when I witness such coward attitude without punishment. The habeas corpus granted by the crap judge last week, will be his death sentence. This early morning, I will give him an unpleasant gift. Did I mention that I’m bored? Another “ham” about to visit my magic cocoon, where you enter alive and leaves ground. I’m getting more and more hilarious.

I’m following him in my blue Beetle at midnight on 08/08/2019. A good date to rip off the devil’s carcass. I watch his steps at least a thousand miles away. There’s nothing unusual, the idiot enters at the market to buy beer and bread, he didn’t use his card. As I track his calls from the past few days, I notice a quick change of route. The good looking, tall and bad tasting blond walks slowly. He wears a black sweatshirt, dark jeans and white sneakers, but what I’m questioning in an uninterrupted way is the strange acquisition at Manoel’s pharmacy. Why tampons?

I keep my modern 1945 vehicle in a clandestine parking lot, I don’t want anyone to know about my favorite hobby. I walk between posts and isolated streets to avoid further complications. The athlete continues to walk to his mansion in the Cambuí neighborhood.

I’m sweating like a pig, the dryness I feel in my mouth transforms my mood. I swear, I’m going to kill this bastard eagerly.

I enter through the open window of the room, jumping over the wall gave me a rip in my leg, I focus my attention on the private security guards, at least eight of them are setting am ambush. The enhance protection sounds ominous to a simple dentist. His family is rich, but he doesn’t suffer constant threats. What the fuck is happening here? What this bastard is hiding?

I continue to crawl between the rooms, passing by the entrance hall, living room, bathroom, theater, game room, gym, library, sauna, kitchen, maid’s room. Holy Mother of God! I’m in a resort.

I stay down, waiting for a signal to attack. It will not be easy to take him with the gorillas on the loose. I need a different, clean and safe strategy. I feel his vulgar presence coming on my way. My fingers firmly grasp a sharp knife that I stole from the barbecue kit. Weird, right? Want to know something? I’m out of ideas. I’m going to activate the “who cares” mode and put this metal beauty in this lamb’s jugular. In three, two, one…

— Help! Robson get me out of here! Let me go…I won’t tell anyone about what happened. I can’t take it anymore. – Screams of pain and despair echoed from Veronica, Robson new victim.

— Shut up, Veronica! You’re going to die like the others and don’t miss me, I’m coming back to put a bullet in your head. I will get rid of you as soon as possible. Stop crying! – The masochistic dentist laughed as he walked into the kitchen. What he didn’t count on was the illustrious presence of our dear Júlio.

— Hello asshole! Let’s play?

— Let me go!

The pool of blood that formed like a red river soothed my inert heart. Symbolic, but real, my momentary pleasure merged with the feeling of accomplishment. The deceased dying on the floor, sharpened the macabre side that was numb inside me. I was savoring every second of his pain. Do you know why? Because I’m a freak!

Since childhood, I have been fascinated by human expression. Have you notice it? The frown on the forehead signaling emotions, the elastic cheeks against the mouth. The nose with its varied shapes is essential for our survival. Curly ears bringing the sound of the universe. The mouth full with teeth, savoring foods from the most diverse cultures. And, of course, my weak point is the eyes, two dazzling beings that reveal the naked truth. Now you know the reason for my private collection. By the way, I don’t sell it. And in my pocket, I have a brand new one.

Anyway, while I was talking to you, reflecting about my peculiar taste, I took the opportunity to shoot the accomplices. Clear shoots in the brain to avoiding wasting time. I hooded my ugly face and saved the kidnapped maiden. Who knew I would discover an organ trafficking lair? This palace of horror really surprised me.

So, that’s it guys, I’m going back to my shack. I need my bed and black coffee and tomorrow morning, eating a delicious bread with cheese, I’m going to laugh in a sarcastic way with the urgent news reporting a new attack from the Eye Collector.

— Good evening, Isadora. How are you?

— Olá, Rafael. Much better now, thanks. Did you heard about my ex?

— Yes. Is everything okay? How did you react?

— I am relieved. Here’s the report you asked for from the crime scene. It contains the fingerprints of those involved and the videos from the hidden cameras.

— Who saw the evidences?

— No one. It is confidential and due to your recent promotion, only you have access. Do you need anything else?

— Yes, please, can you give me Júlio’s number? And you can go, it’s getting dark and I don’t want you in danger. See you on Monday, bye.

— Here it is, bye. See ya!

************

— Hello, Júlio? Can you speak?

— Yes, I heard that you received a salary increase.

— Oops! An anonymous call revealed a hot scheme. Do you wanna hang out?

— Is the Greek gift in hand?

— That’s right! Let’s go drink? And burn some papers?

— For sure. I meet you in an hour.

Autor: Fabiana Volpato

[tayegi]

Omggggg why is JK such an asshole??? Like he confessed he liked her many times and do all these things for her knowing exactly what it could be taken as live gestires, and laughs at her hfsce at her very obvious try of confession???? Oc drop his ass and go after a new guy, hopefully Namjoon. Jungkook, i love you dude, but you are a complete asshole that is too coward to follow your heart, no matter how much u were hurt, grow the fuck up and man up before she goes to someone else. Pinche pendejo.

Anonymous said:This fucks me up like if he didn’t want more than why tf is he concerned with what happened with Jin? And ugh I feel so bad bc she knows she fell for it and she’s gonna be even more icy but all she needs is to be loved. Like yes she’s an independent woman and yes she can handle things in her own ofc but sometimes you crave affection from others. Anyways i love your writing and appreciate your stylist approach. Best of luck to you!

babesaejimin said:It wouldn’t necessarily make him a hypocrite, depending on what kind of “relationship” he developed with Hyejin that’s why I was saying I’m curious to see in what is that different. He said he enjoyed it and would like to do it again, he could mean as friends, we don’t know that, as a reader Idk what sides u’ll explore, I meant by my other ask that that’s a side I was curious about, it can be an interesting concept based on his (assuming) complicated past, but also not where the story will go!

babesaejimin said:From what he vaguely said about his ex, he could not want to mix sex with a “romantic” relationship. He’s got the physical relationship with OC and maybe is ok with having a more dating type of relationship with someone else not involving sex - might sound weird but totally possible? This is why I was saying I was curious to see in what ways he’d see those relationships differently.

Anonymous said:maybe she'll try to make jk "fall" for her too? if his contradictions are just coincidence and he really doesnt like her

smolchimchimhandz said:that nr update ;____; GODDAMN whatta ride i should've seen this coming but i'm a FOOL what a beautifully written chapter i was super happy with the way OC stood her ground when jin confronted her nOW I JUST WANT JUNGKOOK TO BE HEALED FROM HIS PAST WOUNDS

Anonymous said:After reading this chapter, I personally think that JK doesn��t have any feelings for OC. And by feelings, I mean what we think as „love“. As you said, there are many ways to show affection, and Jungkook is simply doing that. OC doesn‘t seem to be used to affection in a relationship. I think she might have misinterpreted the signals from JK. I think this is what „hookup culture“ does to you. People are not used to receive proper affection from hookups.

Anonymous said:Thank you so much Lu for a fantastic update! Every time you release a story, it feels like I’m wrapped up in a warm bubble of feelings and emotions that you evoke in such a seamless way. As heartbroken as the OC was and as much as I feel for her, Jungkook has always been real about his feelings and what he wanted in the relationship. I love your stories so much because you show how difficult and how not black and white relationships can be. (1/2) #iluanon

Anonymous said:Intense feelings of friendship from one person can be seen as a budding romantic relationship to another. I can’t emphasize enough how much I love your writing and even how much I love you Lu! I hope you have an amazing day and week and life! (2/2) #iluanon

Anonymous said:It’s weird bc I feel like new rules jk is naturally inclined to being lovey dovey but still avoids it like the plague... I wonder why hmmm and I wonder if OC will know! Anyways she must be sad rn but hopefully she’ll feel better later

Anonymous said:I think most people thinking he was out of character were just jarred because he's been so kind and empathetic. That cruel kind of reaction was super freaky to me too because the Jungkook we've seen so far would have the emotional maturity to calmly and kindly say no. So the real question is WHY?! What makes an otherwise lovely boy act like an absolute fuckwad? Who hurt him? From the ex mention it seems he and y/n might have parallel traumas that stop them from trusting the opposite sex.

castingofthedemons said:Just finished reading NR... wow my heart breaks for the OC as well as Jungkook. Whatever happened to him with that girl from when he was younger is still holding him back from having future feelings for someone else. He has such a hard time with letting his true feelings show so in turn he hurt the OC because that’s his form of coping. I hope he can eventually learn to let down his walls so the OC can understand and help him. You know he like the OC! 😌😉 p.s all your writing is golden! ❤️💕

Anonymous said:Even though Jungkook has said all these things about wanting to be just friends, his BEHAVIOUR has consistently hinted to a deeper, almost romantic attraction for the OC. Wanting exclusivity, needing to feel wanted by her, seeming to value the OC's affection and company more than sex at times, the jealousy with the Hoseok thing... I got major crush vibes. But then again he may really just care for her as a friend and a person. Excited to see where you take this! Thanks for the update!

wow you guys have such conflicting thoughts and feelings about jk and his behavior! this makes me so happy bc itd be too boring if you guys all just reacted in the same way. i think of this as a real success that i was able to make u feel such conflicting feelings and i cant wait to do this again :D