#then again that is sort of the point of the blog at this point

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

Hi hello I watched all of carmilla in a weekend when I was 17 because a student teacher who in retrospect I had a bit of a crush on mentioned that she knew one of the actresses. also I am pretty invested in all your recent vampire stuff because I watched iwtv in 2 days last week because your edit intrigued me

oh hiiii 🫶 thank you for indulging me. thats so cool that you watched iwtv! did it live up to the expectation?

i also watched carmilla at 17! or like, 17-19. i found it when s2 had just started and followed it to the end. did something permanent to my brain but i think it was a good thing. on rewatch now im like, i was right to like this. like it's a solid show, it's good. it has its flaws obviously but it's well written, the emotional moments still get me, i can see why i liked it and i still like it now even when it's not anymore, you know, meeting every need that baby gay me didnt even know they had

what it doesnt reaallyy do though - i dont remember if i posted abt this or if i left it in my drafts but - is explore vampirism as a concept. their subject matter is more lesbianism than vampirism. which is great! thats what they wanted to do and they did it and it's very good. but reading interview with the vampire the book rn im realising how much potential vampires have to be metaphors for like so many things and i started wondering like 'wait, did carmilla just not really engage with it or did it all go over my head'. but it just didnt really engage with it all that much. which again is fine bc that wasnt what they were doing. im glad they were more about the lesbianism than the vampirism

but there's this interesting difference in framing, because in iwtv they keep calling armand 'ancient' right? and emphasising how old he is. and he's like 500? and i was like 'wait isnt carmilla like 400?'. she isnt, shes 340, but still, thats getting there, you know? and we know quite a lot about her history, but kind of just the Big Events. when she was turned, the events of the novella, coffin of blood, silas. thats sort of what we know. but none of the long lonely slog of history day to day you know? with armand i feel like we can really feel how much time everything takes. how every one of those years is made up of single days. with carmilla i dont feel that as much. i keep kind of thinking about daniel, when louis calls him a boy in the first episode, saying "im an old man, with all the triggers that come with it"

because carmilla might look 18 (or mid twenties at this point) but she has lived all that time. shes also seen her native land be claimed by like a succession of ruling powers, right? like armand. shes been buried alive, like louis. when lestat is born, shes already 80 years old, shes lived a whole human lifetime, and the entire adult part of it shes been a vampire. shes lived through 1680-1870 being a lure. i compared her to abigail hobbs in some tags on a post, i dont know if youre familiar with hannibal the tv show, but i do also kinda keep thinking about that comparison

if youre not familiar, in the first episode of hannibal the murderer of the week is this guy garrett jacob hobbs who kills and cannibalises girls who resemble his daughter. and later on it turns out she was made to be his lure. like they'd go places and he'd sent her to the victims to make friends and maybe get them back to their home or smth. not sure if they specified all the details. but that's what carmilla did for mother. and in s2 we hear from mattie that while every couple of decades carmilla had to lure victims for the fish god, she also seemed to just enjoy humans between those times, right? like the doctor, gets lonely, gets a new companion. but we've only sort of got mattie's mocking word for it ("dont eat him, hes a poet! or her, shes got such a wonderful voice. or that one, shes just too pretty to ruin"), we don't know exactly from carmilla's point of view what she was doing or why. if mattie's talking about stuff that happened after the blood coffin, 1950-now, then i think it's a fair assumption based on what carmilla says in the s1 sock puppet show that after she'd figured out what the real situation was and what her role in it was, when she'd started trying to save girls from being sacrificed, that she mightve been doing the same trying to save people from becoming mattie's victims. it's probably more likely that she was just trying to find excuses to stop mattie from sucking someone dry rather than actually having like an aesthetic based morality. but it might be a bit of both. im still trying to figure out what her philosophy actually is, like i dont know what existentialism actually means ghkfjghkj but i will

i also found it pretty striking in the movie when shes turning back into a vampire she says like "this was supposed to be done, you know? the blood lust, the self-loathing, the sleeping tied to a chair in my own bedroom". thats what defines her vampirism, wanting blood and hating yourself for it (the third part is a joke/reference to s1 but also i think meaningful for how she sees her relationship with laura when she IS a vampire. little bit of that 'she will reject me for my monstrousness' shining through). and thats what defines vampirism for lots of vampires across the genre obviously, but i dont know, it struck me. we dont get a lot from carmilla's pov, we know a fair amount about her, but the story is always told through laura. we get laura's diaries, but just snippets here and there from carmilla, what shes thinking, how shes feeling

and i love that shes a philosopher. i love that thats how she seems to try and find something to hold onto, in a world that kind of moves around her, having been murdered, kidnapped, turned and groomed to be a lure on the cusp of adulthood, never having been properly loved (the relationship with her father wasnt good she says in s3, and her mortal mother i dont think has ever been mentioned (like laura's)). the only good relationship she seems to have had for the better part of 3 centuries seems to have been mattie, and mattie seems to love being a vampire. i can imagine carmilla just sort of going along with anything mattie wants to do just because shes so desperate for that friendship. not like, against her will necessarily really. but more like, she hasnt even had the space to develop her own will, you know? and philosophy lets you do that. philosophy gives you frameworks to understand the world and to develop your own opinions on it. and by the 21st century she seems to have developed those opinions, she has a sense of her own values, but shes also still stuck in that same situation. shes jaded and cynical in the face of laura's optimism and strong moral code a lot of the time in s1 because she feels probably pretty powerless. like she does what she can to save some girls but at the end of the day shes scared of her mother and she has nowhere else to go really, right?

i like how she grapples with that over the course of the series, in tandem with laura grappling with her black and white morality. she sort of jumps ship from her mother to laura bc theyve fallen in love, but then laura still stuck in her hero thinking refuses to see her monstrous side. not literally bc i think the biological vampirism never seemed to be a problem for laura, but morally. the having murdered. carmilla needs laura to see that and love her while seeing it bc the last girl she loved rejected her for being a vampire.

but you see her kind of swing back and forth in s2. she softens first with laura but then they break up and she leans back hard into the sarcastic cynic defense mechanisms, leans hard into "im a monster, dont expect heroism from me". but thats like, it's sort of learned helplessness i think. it's powerlessness, resignation. bc morally shes not a monster. maybe she doesnt have as strong a drive to help other people as laura does and is a little more selfishly hedonistic in that she just wants to enjoy her/their life, but she doesnt hurt people for fun, she never has. she just sort of didnt have another option for a Really long time. so she pretends she doesnt care. "im a vampire, this is what i do, this is who i am". but clearly from the way she talks about it when she turns back into one, she doesnt enjoy it

and i like how she goes even further in s3, where she starts swinging even more to the heroic side, bc she sees hope. shes like "wow if we kill my mother, i'd be free". theres hope and she becomes like a lot more active. and shes like that at the start of the movie too, a lot happier, a lot more relaxed, and then vampirism is back and bam depression gfhgkjh like shes immediately more gloomy, ashamed of her past and her self, retreats into herself

sorry i just took this as an opportunity to dump all the carmilla thoughts floating in my head on you. you didnt ask fhkghgjh consider this an open invitation to you or anyone else to come talk to me about carmilla

[sawdusst]

trying to be more active on Tumblr 😭😭 i think I'm going to be moving my coroika pirate au stuff to a separate blog so it doesn't get mixed in with the multi fandom stuff

[skyward-floored]

Been feeling kinda removed from the lu fandom lately. Idk. I still love lu and making stuff for it (don't worry about that lol), but I've just felt like... I dunno how to put it. Washed up, maybe.

[ruthlesslistener]

I got harassed because of you. Because you declared anyone who doesn't headcanon the Knight as a child to be sus. So thanks. Hate how you seem to be the "headcanon/lore expert" these days, to the point where no on else is allowed to headcanon differently from you. All the hk antis seem to cite you as their "reliable" source always, even outside of tumblr.

i. turned on anon yesterday. What. how did you find me this quickly already.

Anyways, another announcement just to make this potently clear to anyone stupid enough to treat a tired college student with a neurodevelopmental disorder as some sort of pariah of headcanon/lore expertise: i said that headcanoning the knight as an adult was 'sus' in a half-hearted jokey manner right before i went to sleep late at night based on bad porn takes that i came across while scrolling twitter and nothing else. Then when my friends were like 'uh wait no more interpretations exist' i went 'oh shit my bad, i still dont like it bc of personal tastes tho so please dont flood my inbox about it again, but its fine'. I don't even believe in anti rhetoric either, I'm constantly reblogging why they're fucked up and their harassment campaigns are wrong and dangerous, so idfk why they'd consider me as a reliable resource

Also, why the fuck would anyone take me as the lore/headcanon god?? Nothing about what I do is special. I don't even care that much about my own headcanons, almost all of what I find fun about the fandom is comparing and contrasting my headcanons to those of other people's because I love seeing what they get up to. As for canon, literally everything I loredig about is in the game already, I'm just rambling about it through my own perspective as someone who likes to do media analysis. Nothing about what I do is special or should be treated as such, and I always talked about my hcs/interpretations as someone who assumed that people knew they were just that: ramblings and nothing more. I love different hcs, I just sometimes don't click with others because of my own weird squicks and triggers

Also also: I don't post my headcanons outside of tumblr and what I write on my ao3 in my fics, so idk how you want me to somehow control the rabid freaks on other websites. I'm not doing this to be an influencer, gain popularity, or broadcast some superiority complex. In fact, I've actively spent the entire duration I'm in this fandom worrying about bothering people with my hcs/ramblings, but posting them anyways because if I don't talk about it then it makes me want to chew my own leg off. The main reason I've not been talking about it on my tumblr and have only been passively rbing hk stuff recently is specifically because I'm trying to avoid causing that sort of damage again after this whole disaster

[estbela]

Wanna make an OC for Phrygia (eventually), the personfication of the phrygian people I guess. In the greek myths, a phrygian king, Midas, had the golden touch (you all probably heard about this tale), so maybe I could do some reference to that. I think they would also love music. Perhaps I'll have them wear a phrygian cap(also known as the liberty cap) as part of their design?

[designedparadigm]

coughs. so anyway.

[desalvar]

ayo i'm not dead!

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Just had the idea of doing a Roxy askblog that's based on it being a secret blog she's not allowed to have and every so often if someone asks her something she just says stuff like "To the Fazspy reading this, I'm not the real Roxy." to try and throw the staff off her trail lmao

Will probably never make a blog like that, but it could be kinda funny. Maybe I bring the idea of an 'ask Roxy anything' game back where I draw the answers for it instead so it's not a whole ass blog dedicated to Roxy being a sneaky lil shit on the internet

[chainsawworld]

Oh g-d I've been withdrawing

[sucrose-soymilk]

hadn’t really regressed in a While and i didn’t realize how much i missed/dareisay needed it until i had the free time and ability to do so over the last few days and i have to say. i’m feeling a bit better

[ftm-freetomolest-archive]

.

[oyasleepy]

mm . mmmm. social media

[non-un-topo]

I don’t want to jinx it but I think I might have fixed this plot-hole

[todayisafridaynight]

ITS NOT BLUE. im mixing red and pink dye.!!!! im so excited :) you'd never guess what my favourite colour is.... and maybe you could draw arakawa and kirby together like u did with joongi and kirby :3? i don't know! i don't think that suggestion actually helps. or more streamer ichi. i don't know!

Red was my second guess :) sounds like a fun combo regardless !

A cute idea to be sure, but the thought of opening a canvas is just kinda tirin rn 😷 i should have something ready to go next saturday at least :) hopefully :)

[fragmentedblade]

I've been reading about xiangqi a bit and now I'm even more obsessed with that one video of Jing Yuan

[take-ya-to-the-ghey-bar]

Not that anyone's asked about this, but--

Seeing as i'm in the mood to share some random info about what rattles around in my brain-- Have this list of canon muses i either plan to try writing, or have considered writing, but for one reason or another just... haven't attempted lol

tho i will slapping all that under a cut--

{𝑷𝒍𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒅 𝑴𝒖𝒔𝒆𝒔}

Impey Barbicane - Code: Realize

Saint-Germain - Code: Realize

Kageyuki Shiraishi - Collar x Malice

Noël - Sound Horizon

R.e.v.o - Sound Horizon

Alice? / aka: the 89th Alice - Are You Alice?

{𝑪𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒅 𝑴𝒖𝒔𝒆𝒔}

Shell Overlord - Blood Bank

Jooyoung - K's secret/The Unquenchable Mr. Kim

Ukyo - Amnesia: Memories

Idia Shroud - Twisted Wonderland

Kazuki Hoshino - Collar x Malice

Laito Sakamaki - Diabolik Lovers