#you just cant handle my confidence and how fucking true it is

[drh3nryj3kyll]

I don't know how to feel about the fact some people saw me as a threat to their friend. I would say, "at least someone's taking me seriously!" but, well, they all treated me like a fucking joke anyway. Oh well.

[marlshroom]

came to the fucked up realization after finishing gravity falls again last night the parallels of the dream bubble bill made for mabel and the literal state of delusion he keeps himself in.

in the book of bill on the page where bill cipher describes how he figured out a way to manipulate her into giving him the rift, it says:

"Summers ending, my guy. Ending to death, bro. She'd do anything to make it last just a day longer. Probably something RASH and OUT OF CHARACTER, even!"

as we know, mabel cannot handle the fact that she will be growing up. that the relationship with her brother is going to change. she is scared of high school.

bill then says "That was it. She'd never make a deal with me. But she'd make a deal with someone she believed could give her more time. The dream was done. I had her."

bill then creates the dream bubble for mabel, he makes every one of her dreams come true, a place where time is still and she can be a kid forever. a lie so great that she wont have to face the truth.

in journal 3 on one of the pages bill is writing in code, we see this:

[ID: "I ask you, why must[should] time only move forward? Why must cause preceded effect. Who voted on the law of physics."]

my friend helped me break down what bill means by this:

why can we only move forward in the 4th dimension of time. why does something have to make another thing happen, why must cause come before the effect. why cant you move backwards, in the other direction, change the decisions youve made.

how interpret this is bill asking why he is not able to back and stop what he did to his family. he says to ford that he tried and failed to undo the past.** why did him wanting people to acknowledge his advantages instead of suppress him lead to the destruction of his whole dimension?

**(i just want to point out that this is probably the time where bill is the MOST open to anybody, or at least the first. to his henchmaniacs he had been telling them that he liberated his dimension until the oracle discovered the truth. here, to ford, he got so much closer to telling the truth. he SHOWS ford the last atoms of his world. he says that it was destroyed by a monster, not that it was liberated! destroyed)

back to when bill says "I had her" about mabel, he had her cause he knew exactly what needed to happen to trap mabel in a delusion because it is exactly what he is doing to himself. creating a fake narrative of what happened to him, that he was vindicated in killing his whole dimension. only ever doing exactly what he wants because confronting the truth is too scary for him(good fucking lord). the morality page offers good insight into this too.

i am actually just going to quote the whole page and highlight the important part. it speaks for itself really

"THE POINT IS it's[morality] is a very flexible concept! But parents and presidents don't want you to know that, because then you might start asking other questions, like who put them in charge, anyway? So they cram your brain full of guilt and regrets for transgressing the laws that they just made up(the laws that they made to prevent the destruction of their dimension, regardless of if the law + the wrongful medication of a fucking baby triangle did any good to actually prevent it). Wouldn't it be nice if you could put all that baggage down? Quell the shame that follows you everywhere for a lifetime of crimes? MAKE THE SCREAMS FINALLY STOP? The good news is you CAN silence that annoying voice, and here's how!

DENIAL

Works 100% of the time in every situation. What you you mean there are people who disagree? I can confidently say there aren't!

RATIONALIZATION

If you can do it, you can justify it! "Truth" is open-source code and anyone can edit it anytime! Want to be like me? List 3 "evil" things and then 3 "reasons why they're actually good." You'll be rationalizing like Bill in no time!

DETACHMENT

Did you know 100% of your human cells die and are replaced every 7 years? That means that anything you did 7 years ago wasn't even you-it was some dead loser! You can't be held accountable for what a dead person did! What? You think this is just another form of rationalization? I DENY THAT!

THE BILL CIPHER DECISION METHOD!

Working over the eons, the voices in my head teamed up and worked out a foolproof method for making any decision in any situation.

DO WHATEVER I WANT."

ooooooooooooooooooh boy.

he is fully admitting here that he is living in a completely different really in order to justify doing whatever he wants. he gives mabel the tools to deny, to rationalize, to detach herself from the reality of it all. that time has to move forward. and he thinks it will work because it worked on himself.

but it doesn't work on mabel because she understands that she needs other people. shes vunerable, she lets people in, admits when shes wrong. and bill cant do that because it would destroy the fantasy he's created for himself.

[raisedbythetv89]

Buffy has always been VERY intelligent and clever. She’s a quick thinker and very resourceful.

When Anya becomes a vengeance demon again Buffy doesn’t take action against her until she causes a massacre that also traumatizes a young girl so can we PLEASE stop this narrative of Buffy just easily and carelessly deciding to kill Anya?

Because not only was it not a quick and easy decision HER GOAL WAS NEVER TO KILL HER THAT’S WHY SHE GRABBED A SWORD SHE KNOWS SWORDS DONT KILL VENGEANCE DEMONS AS IS ESTABLISHED IN SEASON 6!!!!!

She recognized self destruction after heartbreak because of her own and Willow’s in season 6 and she knew talking with Anya would get her NO WHERE just like Spike trying to talk her out of turning herself in to the police when she thought she killed katrina because she believed she deserved to be punished and trying to reason with dark willow was completely pointless

She uses the fight to force Anya to confront the reality and what the consequences will be if she continues down this path while ensuring this fight won’t actually kill her. Buffy knows she can’t ignore this and she can’t waste time struggling with the decision of whether or not to kill her because she did that with Angel and so many more people died in the process.

BUFFY IS GROWN!!! SHE HAS LEARNED FROM ALL HER EXPERIENCE AND MISTAKES AND IT SHOWS!!!!!! But everyone is so used to her TORTURING herself over these kinds of decisions they’re unable to recognize she has gained the wisdom and experience to act instinctively and decisively even when no one else agrees because SHE KNOWS it’s right and that is always proven to be true!!!!!! She is finally not letting a bunch of people who are not the slayer tell her how to be the slayer because she never should have been listening to anyone else in the first place. She’s proven to be right time and time again with Spike, Anya, Caleb and y’all still are doubting her….. SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE IS DOING!!!!! AND IT ALWAYS ENDS UP BEING THE RIGHT CALL!!!!!!! How anyone can watch her owning her shit as a leader and a slayer clearly demonstrating the last 6 years of suffering weren’t for nothing as she is now confident in herself and her judgement and think she’s heartless or stupid or careless or biased I just CANT. USE YOUR BRAINS!!! LOOK AT THE ENTIRE CONTEXT OF THE SHOW IM BEGGING YOU FOR THE SAKE OF MY SANITY

It’s also the perfect way to show xander how cruel and heartless him always telling/shaming/guilting her to kill angel is at the same time. He finally got a taste of his own medicine and he couldn’t handle it even a little. She showed what a fucking hypocrite he’s always been because everyone else? If you love someone who’s done evil you’re a horrible person and they need to die but if it’s someone HE loves it’s different even though Anya has definitely caused more deaths than angel and spike combined and was forced to be good rather than it being her own choice and went BACK to being evil of her own free will after he actually fucked up and caused all of this in the first place while never taking any blame himself even though he blamed buffy for angel and spike’s actions any chance he could even the ones directed at her when the blame never lied with her in the first place

Y’all see a woman not torturing herself over every little thing and being confident and you’re like wow what a cold heartless bitch and that’s GROSS and just absolutely reeking of misogyny

[austinsastrology8991]

> Mer{Cure}Y <

I gots some drugs for yall fiends > plug back <

1 > No one wants to talk to each other Hi how are you? good thanks :) Nice day isnt it. It for sure is! Hey wyd. not much wbu. Im chilling. Same lol. what are you doing? Im watching something on youtube. Oh nice. Wbu? im watching anime. Oh cool. No wonder we are all fiends for some entertainment, because we are incapable of entertaining each other. 2 > The insecurity of not sounding smart makes everyone conform into a retarded form of one another. We all have the same views. The same topics are constantly being brought up. And when someone speaks about something new, everyone loses interest because no one can handle the reality that maybe they don't know something. Oh and the only reason you listen to each other is to get something from that person whether that be attention, or clout or whatever the fuck you define as your ends. Since most of us, are in a state of fear, we aren't able to talk about something we don't know about. 3 > Mercury is about confidence. And most of yall bite your tongues but love to act tough. Every person who has told me they are hard, is incapable of pushing the envelope. I think you are more caught up with your own image, and are afraid of not appearing tuff. But guess what true courage is about revolting against whats normal, or the courage to be wrong. Show dont tell true?. ANd im done hearing about whoever the fuck you think you are. Show me something interesting dont tell me what you think you are. Don't tell me what you want me to hear. 4 > Conversations are being ruined by people who are constantly telling others they are wrong. Excuse me fucker. But are you capable of arguing against me? No beyond that. Can you stick to the conversation at hand, or are you going to source the same sources every SJW ever has cited. Your not even a real person, your just mimicrying beliefs you believe in. Pathetic tbh. Hey whatever more people will agree with you because we are all jsut looking for a place to belong. so good for you. You chose the easy way out bravo. I thought conversations were a place to discuss and learn. But your so focused on being correct. to me you look wrong, but you do 'sound' right because well .. to reiterate we all want to be right so we band together with whats acceptable. 5 > School fucked you. You were told to sit down and stfu. and if you were invested in to the conversation in the class room. You were memed on by all ur class mates. School breeds insecurity, and teaches people to sit down. Thats why some of yall are so forceful in standing up for yourself. Trying to break the chains of the past. And before you point the finger at me. Don't shoot the messenger. we were all brainwashed, I dont blame anyone trying to change the foundations of your past, considering how fucked it all really is 6 > "Im not that smart" This is just an excuse. Learning everyone can do. You just need to concentrate and put effort in. "oh I canT beCauSe I HaVe ADHD" well my bad just take more of that meth shit that way you can turn into mini hitler and become smart I guess. Also if your so insecure go cry to your psychologists like ffs. Eveyrone can be smart. YOu just need to develop your confidence > Rule 3 <

7 > You learn from what you see. monkey see monkey do. if your surrounded by a bunch of dumb cunts. YOur a dumb cunt now. If your being put down by people in your clique you are surrounded by negativity. If your being constantly praised for nothing you are surrounded by yes man. Find diversity. use discrepency. Its perfectly okay to judge people. stop suppressing that urge to appear 'normal' Many people are not normal but we are so caught up in trying to act normal when we are all pretty fucky 8 > The past was different and so will be the future. Would you shut the fuck up with the pessmism. Things will change. You need to be open to receiving it. You've had happy times as much as youve had bad times. ANd if your trapped in a big pit hole of death. well you better get climbing because no one can be bothered to help anyone anymore because we are probably the most selfish we've ever been ever (social mediaaaaasaa) and the adults are still trying to adjust to the internet because the world been flipped (itll flip again) 9 > No one cares about your opinion more than you Thats why your so uncomfortable speaking your truth. Because everyone is more into their own truths. So we practise the art of self affirmation by denying other peoples truths. When everything exists for a reason. WE are so caught up in making our own manifestations true by denying others 'truths.' Selfish cunts.... But hey wtf am I saying Im just an anonymous pluto I don't know shit ;')

My next post is my last post. Don't cry. I have my reasons. My next post however is going to my >master piece< ;')

[meetthegofer]

🦀🦅💕😑💀 (esp interested in the last one considering game mechanics)

THANK YOU TORRANCE MY GOAT.. once again since this will be a little long its going under a readmore 🔥 thank you though this is a very fun selection

🦀- How did they handle realizing they were in love? Embarrassed? Nervous? Mad?

fossey was absolutely the more accepting of his feelings of the two in this regard; though they were definitely pretty nervous they tended to downplay it a lot, like "welllll... people get crushes on coworkers with all the time!! plus its not like anything's gonna come of it, so its fine for me to like him.. im sure ill get over it soon" <- that. generally just didnt register that they might have a chance At All and as a result didnt really catch themself reading too much into his words/actions because "well its not like he'd like me anyways! that would be wasting my time. i have a job to do, after all".

sniper on the other hand...

for him, the realization was like being hit in the face with a brick. not because he thought fossey was particularly undesirable in any way that would make him go "i cant believe i like THEM", but rather because he was still operating under the expectation of not really getting to know them or really form any relationship/attachment past just. general coworker amiability. it honestly made him panic a bit, because he wasnt sure if this would affect his performance in battle ["if i get hung up on something like that, itll be easier for me to get distracted and hurt more easily. or worse, ill underperform" <- that sorta thing] and again, he tries to consider himself as being somewhat divorced from feelings, at least on a professional level. of course, we know this to not be true [calls his parents regularly, shows genuine care to his teammates, etc etc] but well. hes stupid. <3.

🦅- How good are their friends at being wingmen? Do they even help at all or just sit back watching the pining with a bag of popcorn?

...you could not possibly have a worse ensemble of wingmen than the options laid out for these two. at the absolute least, fossey has the support of miss pauling, who reassures them about things when they feel down. however shes not really an active wingman? like she encourages fossey but doesnt ever actively try to vouch for fossey as a potential partner for sniper, mostly because fossey has asked her Not to [going back to the whole lack of perceived desirability they feel and all]. other than that, they havent really confided in their feelings to anyone else, mostly because they know theres literally no circumstance under which it would end without great humiliation.

sniper, on the other hand, tries to be discreet when asking for advice, but everyone kind of Knows who hes got his eyes set on. so when he tries to ask for help and is immediately met with a chorus of "ooooh so youre finally gonna ask out fossey?" hes like FUCK YOU and also how did you know [fake idgafer they saw you saying good morning!! when you dont do that for anyone else!!!!]. so i think he would get frustrated and then not ask for help again

that said i can definitely see a few of the mercs trying to take things into their own hands. scout makes stupid jokes to fossey about sniper ["yknow hes got a picture of ya in his camper, right?" "HE WANTS TO SHOOT ME?" "NO"], soldier probably tries giving him unsolicited advice that literally only worked because zhanna matches his freak so well, and medic breaks HIPAA in a strange way to try and bring them closer together. none of it ever works but theyre all quite content to watch the two of them very awkwardly dance around their feelings for one another and tease them about it [though mostly sniper. since fossey does a shockingly good job at hiding her side of things + they havent known her nearly as long]

💕- Who confessed first and how? Did it go as planned or did shenanigans ensue?

oh this ones fun. they both kinda confessed at different times, but the first one just... didnt work? going back to this question set, after fossey apologizes/confronts sniper about his avoidance, he Does confess his feelings, but does so in a more vague way that fossey absolutely Did Not Clock as romantic. unfortunately this ended with the most brutally unintentional friendzone known to man

its not as though All hope is lost, though. like i said, there were multiple "confessions", albeit fossey's was admittedly much more thought out in terms of like. the specifics.

see, they have a really bad habit of overworking [mostly because they lose track of time very easily, and their work is so repetitive its easy to get lost in the sauce. they arent a very intentional overachiever], and a lot of sleep problems. as such, it was bound to happen that they would one day fall asleep at their desk, having worked themself to exhaustion and not really noticing it until they'd woken up...

sniper notices fossey sleeping at their desk, hours after they were supposed to leave for the day [being a bit of an insomniac himself, he would sometimes just. walk around. everyone on the team is kind of a freak it makes sense to me. you know]. so he goes and wakes them up like "hey dude you were supposed to leave hours ago" and theyre like FUCK right ill be out of here in a second. however, before they can leave, sniper remembers that fossey usually Walks home. so he offers them a ride, because the idea of them walking home alone at like 2am greatly unsettles him. they agree, and since its only a 15/20 minute walk it ends up being a very short drive, spent in an admittedly comfortable silence between the two. maybe a longing glance or two is passed without the other noticing.

and just before fossey steps out of the van to go fuck off to their apartment building, without even thinking they lean over and give him a kiss on the cheek, then step out and wave goodbye like nothing happened. [its not until theyre actively closing the door to the apartment building behind them that they realize what theyve done. and by then theyre like FUCK]

sniper is obviously speechless, because just a couple months ago he got friendzoned and he was still wrestling with the fact that his feelings were only getting stronger with time. he just kind of sits there for a second before he realizes he probably looks crazy just sitting there in a van outside an apartment complex that is primarily home to like. old ladies. and on the drive back to his usual parking space for the camper hes just like Fuuuck work is gonna be so awkward tomorrow.

and the next day they do talk it out.. fossey stops by his camper and is like Heyyy so can we um 😅 talk about last night haha... and they give a verbal confession but end it with like "im not really expecting you to feel the same way but since you basically already know i figured id tell you..." and snipers just there like It is unbelievable how much i feel the same way. i imagine the conversation itself would be quite awkard/seemingly "anticlimactic" for the start of a relationship, sort of like [incoming maine moment] shimamitsu's first little stint as a couple in skip to loafer where they just very awkwardly are like "do you... wanna try going out?" after a rather embarrassingly sudden confession. but both of them are autistic and awkward so <3 love is love <3

😑- How easily do they get jealous and how do they handle it?

fossey is admittedly not very jealous at all LOL though this mostly comes from the fact that they dont place very high value in themself. so theyre like "? if he ever found someone else he'd just go for it man i dont think it'd be worthwhile to keep me around just to cheat". they also just arent really the possessive type, since they do actually trust him quite a bit in this regard and are very much of the "if you love something let it go" mindset. however in the context where i ship sniper with the other mercs theyre very chill with it. because fossey has the fujoshi spirit 👍

if they ever Would get jealous i think they would handle it well enough on their own, though. they tried exactly one [1] time to make a joke about sniper leaving for someone else and he was MORTIFIED so they were like Damn i probably shouldnt do that again that was a little mean.

sniper i think would probably be a little bit more jealous? it doesnt come up very much, but every once in a while someone gets just a liiittle too close or looks a liiittle too long and hes like ? You could back up a little bit!

he mostly keeps it to himself since fossey isn't and has never been the type to pursue or flirt with others even in a playful context, so when he Does get jealous its usually directed at the other party. i think early on he mightve gone to fossey about it first and when they got confused [because they didnt think the other person saw them that way + were absolutely NOT trying to go for them] he realized it didnt make much sense and didnt really bring it up like that again. not much reason to blame fossey for how others feel when they arent the one Inviting those feelings, yknow? at most he might be like "damn that guy would Not leave you alone" but even then it happens quite rarely, so its not something they really have to address more than like. once or twice a year. that said i Do think he might get a little more clingy without really noticing it... hugging a little more tightly or casually throwing an arm around their shoulders a little longer than usual.

💀- If the canon character is canonically dead, how did your OC handle their death? (Or did you completely omit their death cause fuck canon?)

this one is interesting, not just because of the game mechanics but also because of his canon [albeit temporary] comic death. when considering respawn compatibility + mechanics and the nature of the game, i think fossey is desensitized enough to how much violence occurs around these guys on a daily basis that the concept of sniper being hurt in this way doesnt really faze him any more than it does miss pauling or any other merc. like he knows he'll be back. its fine. though i do think in the back of his mind he sometimes worries that one day sniper might come back and not remember/not love/not care for him anymore, although this has yet to happen, and if scout's persistence with trying to court miss pauling is any proof, it likely never will.

his comic death, however, is a different story, primarily because it left him with some pretty permanent scars. fossey freaked out so fucking bad when they found out what happened [since they werent present for it] and they just like. almost couldnt really believe it? the desensitization to his death in the context of the gravel war + respawn machine and how it functions made them less cognizant of the idea that Hey he could still die for real one day. and that realization shook them pretty badly... if they were actually present for it i think they would genuinely be inconsolable for a while. but LUCKILY hes back 👍 insert i cant help myself "all clean!" image here

[crows-home]

Kotetsu's a bad dad, but also a good dad. He loves his daughter so much. But he's neglectful. He always thinks about Kaede, but he doesn't really know her. Here are some things I've been thinking about that, because holy shit.

Fuck I have so many thoughts about Kotetsu. He's a good person, he's a good hero, he tries his best always. Even if he's embarrassing or is a liability, he's always willing to go. Willing to put himself or his pride at risk for the sake of what's right.

But he's not a good father. Always gone, so focused on his work, that he never sees his daughter. And sure, he loves her a lot. She's his whole world and the reason he pushes himself. But that doesn't negate the fact that Kaede never had a father that was present as she grew up. And all his attempts at connection- his words, his gifts- they all feel so... surface level? "Ill give her a hair pin :) a teddy bear :) my little itty bitty baby girl"

No, buddy. Your daughter grew up. She's not four anymore. You need to communicate with her, learn her interests, and support her. Not just give her presents and empty promises. Not just talk down to her. And I know it's not all his fault. Single father, widow, the fate of so many people on his shoulder on the regular. He's not perfect, has no idea what he's doing, and just desperately wants his daughter to like him. To be proud of him.

But he was the younger sibling, probably didnt have much experience with kids younger than himself. I've seen it before. He's a parent that just wants to be Good Enough. Doesn't want to make the wrong move, and in doing so, is too loose with his parenting. Not confident.

But god, he's his daughter's biggest cheerleader, even on the side.

All Kaede had was her grandmother, who she could lose at any minute, and a dad that would always choose his work over her. She didn't know her dad was a hero, so that's all she saw. It's so much anxiety for a kid, and it makes me sad to think about.

WHICH IS WHY I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN THEY TOUCHED ON IT IN SEASON 2!!! like, Kaede actually calls him out on it!!

"Just neglect me like always. It's all you're good for!"

Fuck, hearing her say that made me flinch. It's true, and he knows it. But by season 2, it feels like Kotetsu's more... mature? I think part of it is Kaede knowing that he's a hero now, so she's not always hurt when he says he has to leave her for a "work emergency." And part of it is knowing that she's growing, she's not a baby, she can handle herself.

It's a hard transition, realizing this kid who used to depend on you to feed them, keep them clean, keep them safe, doesnt need that anymore. Suddenly they're doing things on their own, they dont need constant supervision, and you have to let go and realize that they can keep themself safe. But it's a weight off his shoulders, I think. That realization.

My daughter will be okay. I'm here for her now, if she needs me, but i cant protect her from every little thing, and maybe i dont need to.

its just. he's not perfect. i dont think he was a very good father at all, in the beginning. and Kaede is absolutely allowed to resent him for that. She needed him there, and he wasn't. She's allowed to feel abandoned and alone, even if she knows her father was off saving the world or whatever. it obviously still bugs her, and i'm so glad that was included. Instead of just keeping her as the two dimensional "yay my dad is so cool now that i know he's Wild Tiger! Everything is fine with me now :3"

But they'll both just have to live with it and grow with each other. Kotetsu is becoming a better parent, as best as he can, along with all the other worries he has. Kaede deserved a better father growing up, deserves it still, but is becoming a confident young woman, still navigating through it all.

i dont know how to end this. it just really hit me to see a family dynamic like this. i love it so much, would love to explore this more one day.

[pumakaji64]

i suffer from this annoying problem you see-

i want to do more, i really think i do- but i just feel so confined by my current living situation where i am consantnly around my family- you see in 2020 my father mother and eldest sister had to move in with my older sister and i because of covid costing my parents their jobs- i wasn't exactly doing stellar before this but i was feeling like i was starting to get a handle on my life and starting to figure important things out- but since the move i feel like ive had to put that all on halt......

i stopped going to online therapy because i have no privacy to do so and feel safe because if i wanted to get any real progress id have to talk about my family and my childhood whici i do NOT want any of them hearing about and i cant go physically because i cant drive and i dont want to waste more gas and the time of the others- i stopped drawing because i have no privacy to safely express myself without their eyes unless if i lock myself in my room which they will judge me for and now my dominant hand is permanantly injured making it painful to draw unless im careful about it- i am confined downstairs in the living room most of the time because i need to watch my dog (this is on me though I can accept that) so i feel like i have no space for myself and when i take leisure time feel nothing but guilt everytime my family comes by- they love teasing me over the dog too saying i dont do enough i dont know how much theyre joking i already feel like shit all the time so i dont really appreciate the jabs- being on here is the one consistant thing i can muster up enough energy to do- but even so not without constant guilt- most days off dont feel like much of anything.

its hard even to engage in my interests anymore- dont have the time, dont have the energy, dont have the privacy, dont have the intelligence, dont have the confidence, idk... just been tough lately i guess.

not even my room offers much respite- my parents room is right across and they love to keep their door open- i feel them watching everytime i go in

i feel stuck

i feel like im wasting my life

i feel like i will never get out of here

i do not know what to do

i dont think theres even anything waiting for me even if i can

tw suicide talk

i cant go back to school because i have no idea what i want to do with my life- theres so much pressure for me to be succesful and each day i feel like more and more of a failure- and i know if i try and fail again i might end up trying to kill myself like i did last time

but to be honest i know i cant even kill myself because i know the cost of a funeral wont be worht it and because im too much of a coward to do so

but staying alive isnt much better when you feel like a constant financial drain and worthless layabout all the time

and everytime i think i find some sort of plan or some way out its like a carrot on a stick thats tugged away from me like a joke

it's so funny- i was openyl gushing about how hopeful i felt and now realitys crashing back down once again! there's no getting out of here.

to make it all worse this year has been terrible for me healthwise- im falling apart in so many ways and i feel even worse about being a waste of money-

i dont feel like i can talk to any of them about how awful i feel- most of the time any attempt to do so ends poorly and even when it doesnt nothing changes- i dont know where to make heads or tails of it all- i know im to blame for a lot of my own issues i know i overreact and take things too personally- i feel like i paint an unfair picture of them sometimes but eveyr day feels harder to keep on going- i already struggled with doing basic shit to take care of myself but recently it feels impossible

they did always say i just dont care enough- either its always been true or at some point became it.

i dont want to go to my stupid fucking job that bores the shit out of me- but i have to- i have to be of use somehow- i didnt sleep last night- i dont want to go to work because when im at work i just think about all the things i could be doing- actually useful or fufilling things i know i wont do on my day off despite how badly i wish i was while at my job

but i have to- it's almost time- so i guess i will.

whats the point of writing all of this- a cry for help maybe? pity seeking maybe even if i try to deny it over and over- i guess im just nearing my breaking point- something about these ast few months have been really grueling lately- again probably to do with all the suddent medical issues and the fact that my 20's are halfway done and i have nothing of worth to show for it- i dont know what to do i dont think im ever escaping this place and maybe thats for the best

I’m not a good person- I have all the same horrible traits they do. I just hide it on here to appear more likable.

im 25- its too late- ive wasted my entire life- it was always going to end this way everyone whose ever knwon me could see it thats why they all gave up on me- i did too. theres no point in prentending i can be fixed and wasting any more money. i feel like a ghost in this house watching life pass by. i feel like a stupid child trapped in an adults body.

i dont know what to do anymore-everything feels like sawdust.

But I’ll be fine… I’m numbing it all out. I don’t feel enough to want to hurt myself this time. like i said i have to go to work soon

im going to go downstairs and my mother will see my horribly messy hair and she'll make some annoyed comment about me needing to brush and ask me to run my fingers throught the tangles and we'll go to work. and i'll tell stupid jokes to try to make her smile because its the least i can do.

despite it all i love them still- but some days i wish i could love them from a safe distance.

im tempted to delete this like i do with all my breakdowns that i post on blogs that arent my vent blog but i think i'll keep this one up- because deep down i think i do want some advice or help or something- i cant keep living like this. i dont know what to do to stop. i just wish i had more to offer in return.

or maybe i just need to yell- whatever- doesnt matter- i'll go back to my usual postings on both of my active blogs regardless of whatever happens after this post-im sure i'll regret it later and try to just ingore this and hope you all too but it's like 4 am so whose even gonna see this lol

[ariswolfram]

Zhasta | 5,132 P. D.

Extended Visit

I cant stop pacing around my room. Although I've got used to the stuff given to me, i cant help but think of them daily.

I do know what they are going through as well… I know full well.

Rez went cold.

Aaviner is letting his true form slip more often.

Poor Obsidian isn't talking to anyone, constantly daydreaming… … none of them are handling it well, and its all my fault.

I did this to them…

… I went too early, and cost not only the mission, but my family.

There's a knock on the door… I stop pacing.

The knock repeats moments later. I turn and make my way to it, opening the door to find Saffron standing in front of me.

"Zhasta Kaen…"

"… dont be formal." That sounded rude. I'm always fucking rude.

"… i have finished the contract. Your soul is stable again, so you can go back," he hands me a scroll, "but there's a catch."

"… what is it?" I take it and open the scroll up.

"… you will still be dead… your still but a spirit… you will just be visiting the mortal plane for an extended period of time…"

"... How long?" Reading over the scroll, I can confidently say i understand nothing.

"One lifetime in the mortal coil, for every two spent here."

"… i wont be alive again…"

"But you will be with them"

"Fine… ill do it." I replied to that last one way too fast. He thinks I'm stupid.

"… then sign the contract."

I don't take another moment to think it through. I immediately sprawl the words 'Zhasta A. Kaen' onto the bottom of the page.

The contract is then suddenly taken by Saffron. He starts rolling it up, "Your gonna be with them shortly... I'll be sure to deliver the contract to you in due time. Always keep it near you; if its destroyed, there's no coming back."

I nod to him, and before i knew it, I'm awake again…

I sit up… looking around at the eerily familiar room i used to spend so... little time in. I preferred the kitchen or bridge.

I press a finger against my neck… no pulse still…

Am I alive or am i dead…

… I'm on an extended leave… almost forgot.

Looking around, everything is still in the place i put it. As if they were scared of moving it. Though a small altar was added in the center of the room... They are offering pasta to the altar. Is that why I kept getting food in the mail?

"Zhasta…?" a child's voice speaks in my mind… No… wait…

"… Obsidian?"

"ZHASTA?!" This time, the voice is heard in the bridge.

The running of footsteps is heard, before the door slams open. Didn't know a creature of such small size had that much strength.

Before I knew it, everyone was there… all of them were strangling me to death… though I was already dead…

…

…

… Obsidian and Bee haven't stopped staring at me as well…

… as if they know I'm still dead…

… they know…

… they know…

They know.

They know.

They know I'm dead.

I didn't want death.

I didn't want any of this pain.

I just wanted to live my life…

… whats the point of it all if I'm already dead?

like, yes. Being back is nice. But I'm not truly back. I'm here temporarily, and then ill be sent back.

I shouldn't be scared. Why am I scared?

I got what I wanted, why isn't this enough?

I want to cry, but i can't.

Nothing is going to be the same... Nothing is the same. Its not the same. Its not the same.

I need to feel the weight of a heart, I need to feel the wind again. I need to breathe again... I cant be like this forever... I cant be like this forever.

I'm surrounded by my family, but I feel alone... I cant even feel their touch...

... I can't feel...

[moomoocowman]

If reading this, read at your own risk.

I cant sleep and decided to dump to hopefully

Let me sleep. We can have a conversation soon

If like but this is cathartic to me for me. To let out.

Sleep on the floor music video fucked me up good. Not to mention the time of when i watched it how much of a shitty weekend i had and now it feels like again we are doing the step back and i dont like it so

If you want me show it. If not tell me. Figuring it out without doing anything isnt working. It never has. This cycle used to be months to month to months to now week to week. Waiting and waiting hoping that we can talk can get somewhere but never the case. Youre losing me. And i dont want that to happen but at the same time what am i to do. What else could i possibly be and strive for. Youre right i have done everything i needed. I say its both of us but im at this finish line trying to cheer you on to help but i feel ignored.

I get like this because my patience is all but gone and i dont know what i want. Kinda like how you said by you know who you want. I get things have to be hard but it shouldnt be this hard at this point yet it is. I get insanely jealous because someone else has/is living in the shoes that i want to be in. I get insanely moody because as much as i think i overreact which i know i do still, everything that has happened to me before has happened in this at one point but ive learned to handle it. Not that i say its whatever but its why i get upset because i dont want that. This strived off being different and wholesome and unconditional.

My trust is thinning because everything after everything repeats and nothing changes. Im told the same things and feel like half. I guess thats another reason for my silence sometimes because i dont expect to be lovey dovey all the time but last week saying youd want to be alone with me rather than be alone… then proceed to want to be alone monday night which respect to your wishes but ive hardly talked to you and hear your voice let alone see you these past 2 months and that kinda really hurt.

You dont owe me anything just as i dont owe you. You are your own person i have always told you this and ive been respectful of you but again i dont think ive been respectful to me and my wishes and what i want what i need. Your own life just as i have my own life. Choose whatever you want to do but talk to me. Busy let me know. Need a break i get it but let me know.

Time is always and is not of the essensce. Time may be moving at a faster than ever especially right now but dictating where that time goes managing what where who for you. This is why i ask is this what you want because time goes everywhere but here or what we want and if it does its very little and we are stumped.

Idk man. Im in love and this is why its scary because i love hard but risking it is almost worth and thats why i worry about certainty. Would running away be the most ideal thing to just leave everything everyone start anew yes. How fucking glorious that sounds rn. But what does running do when everything catches back up. Instead of facing the hardship and impact head on how is anything expected to grow.

Living this cycle this feeling having to meet every dead line or to please everyone (ironic and hypocritcal of me). You say you have so much confidence when i speak but the things i say and do is to help you feel for your own. To help propel what it is or isnt that you want.

Selfishly in every way possible do not let this fade away. Do not become a past. Work with me on a plan and ill show you what it is this can be what we can have how we can either look back at this together and smile or we can look back at this as individuals and wonder. I have my boundaries you have yours lets compromise. Stay true to ourselves as much as possible. Just tell me something. Dont lie to me or leave me to linger.

[aeroplaneblues]

I’m rereading jjk from the prep arc to refresh my memory, i dropped it around midway the culling game so i barely remember anything. I’ll be posting my thoughts per vol to make this fun!

So!! Vol 17 tl;dr thoughts: i liked it better half of it is maki and she is a pretty cool character, im just sad about how gege handled mai and nobara’s supposedly confirmed death. It could’ve been different. We should’ve had more of yaga before, also naoya sucks! Choso my beloved he is so cute about yuuji🥹 overall great volume!!

More vol 17 thoughts as i was reading:

- senpai yuuta is so confident😭

- naoya…😒

- One page, we get one page of kugisaki’s status but not in a clear way bc this could still be “nothing has changed, she hasn’t woken up” its nov 9 when that conversation happened, only a little more of a week from kugisaki’s “1% chance” we cant get a solid answer? A “odds were against her” but just yuuji’s I GET IT and megumi’s silence, doesnt cut it.

- Yuuta sees Maki and turns back to puppy mode, same

- “You can think of him as my big brother” 😭😭😭 my fave page, cant wait to see it animated

- Forgot how accidentally funny yuuji was, yes tengen is ugly looking

- So kenjaku was like AFO collecting CTs blood manipulation from kamo, whatever yuuji’s mom had, and curse manipulation for all his silly little evil plan for the fun of it (i do remember that)

- I love that yuuta is still the guy that says someone is stronger than him even when we all know is not true. He is closer to gojo and yuki’s level if anything

- Choso loves yuuji so much😭😭😭

- Wait where are all the panda like creations of yaga now? Like can they fight, what are these remind me of🤔

- Man i forgot so much of yaga, there so much about him that is interesting for him to be killed off and remembered just as panda’s dad imo. Ig it was more like a surprise reveal but we could’ve had some hints idk

- Megumi’s “i dont want it” jon snow moment is really funny

- The Zen’in fam are fucked lmao

- I still hate mai dying, i get the logic behind it. But it still feels unsatisfying ending for a character, unlike nanami hurtful but understandable and a good closure

- Mai took maki’s heart😔

- Naoya’s simpness for toji will never not be funny

- Bro thinks he’s as powerful as gojo🤭

- I do like maki’s personal arc, “burn it all” is a powerful thing, there were no other alternatives but to start anew. She did what toji couldn’t.. wouldn’t?

-I just find it weird they had two children in the same family line with a heavenly restriction? Maki and Toji being cousins and having the same exact powers ? Not like him dying gave her the heavenly restriction.

-We should’ve had more moments of Maki and Megumi’s relationship as second cousins or a mentioned of it tho, Megumi doesn’t want to acknowledge he is zen’in but still would’ve been funny when others do. Mai was perfect for this.

[makahimetenshi]

Two separated ways - Chapter 5 - Arthur Maxson x Female Sole Survivor x Paladin Danse Fallout 4 Fanfic

This is the continuation of the fifth drabble called How i meet your mother and the story of how Arya Maxson was conceived which originally comes from my drabbles uploaded in Two separated ways, and I might do a fifth and six part even. Im already writing the fifth part, it was a mistake to separate the porn chapter from the normal one since I have so much borderline anyway.

If you are very very very delighted with one fic and want a continuation I didn’t write or post you can donate me at least $5 bucks, most of this fics have next chapters I don’t finish because lack of motivation but hey a $5 is a $5, I see a few reviews and comments that fics that are abandoned months laters receive comments of wanting to know what happens next. Here it is, I finished my handling with you all, enjoy the fic

Its been days since his “negotiation” with Sentinel Nora and they haven’t spoke to each other at all. She was around walking and working in DC, in the Citadel, but didn’t talk to him at all, and he neither do honestly.

They cross looks sometimes but nothing more. Maybe he dodget a bullet like Dane said, maybe he  avoided a redflag by pulling out, of course it wasn’t intelligent from his side to…agree.

It wasn’t something a gentleman do but he used her, that’s the simple true, tricked her just for sex and then never call again, not even for that dinner.

Until a week later he found on his schedule a reunion with the Sentinel, she booked on his calendar…

One week later he found himself nervous to see her again, specially after well not giving her his part of the agreement, it wasn’t neither specified what was the subject of the reunion, the motive…but in any case he put on his best underwear last night after a shower, just for…precaution.

The door was open by his guards and the sentinel in her black suit appeared, with a laser rifle on her back and…and odd and horrible smell

-Oh my god its it molerat blood? –ask Arthur seeing the wet stains on her suit, she nodded –what happened?

-Under the bridge 100 mts above there’s no raiders anymore taking it every fucking time we clean it because we left mines  on the floor…but when some fool trespass the warning signs and explodes the scattering parts attracts  molerats- yeah he recognized the smell of that creatures blood, kinda special, he rag his nose a bit trying to unsuccessfully hide his discomfort at the smell while she serene talked- difficult to believe or not the molerats knows better how to avoid the traps than the humans, so the place gets  infestated of molerats eating between the mines, they spread diseases so better to fumigate the place time by time

The smell in the air was becoming umbereable to keep breathing, he cant hide anymore his discomfort and wasn’t planning in hiding it anymore to keep decorum nono he was too old for that

-Sentinel you should bathe first and then we have the reunion, Ill move…

-Indeed, I heard the elders quarters have a big and comfortable bathtub  -he stop in his place at hearing that, she had such a serene face  while talking but then it was all silence and he look at her and she has a small red smirk  in her lips.

Did she just…? Ohhhhhhh

He stood there in silence, he was hella surprised and taked off guard and she was there so confident and serene.

Like flirting to the elder in his quarters was nothing to worry about.

And heck yeah it was working! Sure…sure…

-What can I say? The rank has its benefits- he mumble, noticing he has been standing there a while without moving because the position on his feets hurts. Both were adults and he gets flustered like a teen around her when she moks him-Sure, ill prepare the water…make yourself comfortable –he said trying to hide his nerviosism, damn he was a prey under her control, difficult to resist and think at all…

-Yeah this boots takes a lot of time to take off, we don’t wanna have them on again don’t we? –Arthur  quickly ran to the bathroom at hearing that mermaid call and open the  water, staring to mix it with the hot and cold to make it comfortable even tho that womans bathe in hot water.

Okay okay she was going to try again…he supposed this could happen…an he was glad it was happening honestly, he had good time, but it worries a bit being so unsure of her intentions…

He sat at the edge of the tub and look at the water filing and raising level, then breath out getting lost in his thoughts while he unlaced his own boots with his fingers too, after all better get prepared.

She wanted to get impregnated…and he wasn’t so sure about it, so soon with someone he knows too little, of course he was going to pull out again, will she allow it? She should know he wont cum inside today no matter if she purposely seeks for it again, or even pleads, but the sentinel is too successful and has too much pride to even think on pleading, nono, there’s something else in her head, she knows he is not going to cum inside today or in some near future then…why? What are her intentions?

What’s her plan? She is not exactly looking for just a partner…

Of course cuming outside its not a warranty that she isn’t going to get pregnant, he is well aware of that, she could get pregnant just by doing it despite cuming outside, and doing it a second time knowing it puts his head in conflict, he…well doesn’t exactly likes the idea of being pressured by the council to have a son but the sentinel is a great match for that purpose, so a child with her wasn’t exactly the problem, if it happens with her well…nothing to waste I guess. But the reality was scary, having a child with a woman he doesn’t know her intentions and even was warned about her odd behavior by the man who spend the last 10 years at her side…

Her reputation, achievements, resources, wealth, education and history in the brotherhood makes her a perfect fit for him, the partner someother will say he deserves…the part that she was a faction leader and someone apparently very rich…also her plans  of possessing the Tempenny tower heck yeah she already ran the business of the Pittsburg forge!

Oh no everything sounded so good but he was so aware that it was dangerous, maybe it was his dick talking…

-Elder –a pair of arms hug him from behind, the man was so startled by being lost in his own thoughts that he slipped from where he was sitting and fell completely into the water of the bathtub, also pushing Nora who fell on top of him, both getting soaked, specially the elder with his coat.

-Jesus Christ don’t do that! –said a very altered elder looking around still very disorientated how did she sneak so perfectly!? Didn’t hear her at all!

But Nora didn’t seem to mind about his distress and confusion, in fact…

-Oh im so sorry elder –she said getting on top of him moving her legs around his hips placing an arm at his side using the floor of the bathub as support and the other arm at the side of his head against the wall. Arthur look at her with some…surprise…terror…she didn’t seem bothered by getting wet at all. Subhuman. –I just wanna ask you if you could give me a hand with the zipper of my suit, seems a bit stuck

The man blinked and swallowed hard.

But it’s a front zipper…

Bold, a bold move, even he wouldn’t do it, and she had so much confidence!

Was she really rejected by Danse? She acted like someone who was never rejected before…

His body was completely submerged in the water while at their bare feets the water from the tap keep falling.

Still in shock he tried to move his shoulders, his coat felt so heavy now soaked…

-Only if you help me with my coat –the way she smiled at him made a cold shiver run on his spine, would she really allow him to cum outside? The sentinel wasn't the type of person who stopped when she didn't get what she wanted.

Slowly, like she wanted to keep his eyes on her, she sat on his hips moving her thighs slowly backwards, raising her chest while her hands moved to his neck and shoulders, holding on the edges of the now soaking coat –you got me all wet elder –she said with a velvety whisper, his cheeks blushed so hard at hearing it, it sounded so hot-its only fair I do the same

He bite on the insides of his cheek and his hands posed on her thighs, squeezing a bit under the water, loving the sensation of the suit so stretched against her skin, then moved up to her stomach touching everywhere, giving her tickles when they leave the water, and then all the way up the zipper to her neck.

-I mean it seriously –he said placing some fingers on the zipper and the other hand completely surrounding her neck, feeling it very thinn, looking directly on her eyes- don’t ever try to scare me again sentinel –she swallowed understanding the menace, and nodded

-Alright –she said now pushing the coat down his shoulders, the man watched the slow motion and then the hand on the zipper moved down, showing her bare chest and this time…she had a bra, oh my didn’t he said something about the appropriate way of dressing? Good she take notes.

Later on, he pulled out again.

But she didn’t say anything about it, just dry with a towel coming out the bathub, dress and leave like nothing happened, the fact that she didn’t say anything was important, not word, just dress with a small smile…and leave.

Oh he knew she was planning something, he didn’t understand what yet

Should he ask Danse?

But the sequence repeated again, and they sleep together, well not exactly sleep because they did it in the food storage of the ring B exactly…oh its hard to keep a boner in the cold environment, and she didn’t even cum, she just swallow his seed down her throat…

I mean it was expected because there wasn't much they could do in there, it wasn't a comfortable place but he was hella surprised for the fact that she…swallow, he didn’t even get the chance to touch her because she was there pulling his underwear down to blow him by her own initiative.

Was she really that into him? He thought she only wanted to get pregnant and that’s all but today they crossed looks in a hallway totally by coincidence, walked towards each other after holding gaze at far for more seconds they were proud  and she…suggested…to hold his hand…and he grab it and move the woman somewhere else, they ended up making up all the way until getting inside the food storage.

When he heard the swallow the hand behind her head tangled between her black locks moved to her chin, holding it, moving her head slowly up

-Look at me –he order, and she did, locking their eyes together. Doesn’t she look amazing? With her eyes red and watery- Do you mind if we still have that dinner I mentioned the first time?

She looked…surprised, and cute with her cheeks red.

-Oh –from a brief moment he saw what apparently was shame in the moment she moved up a hand to clean a string of saliva going down her mouth- yeah okay

The same answer hu?

-Up –again he order, and she did, when she was standing in front of him he placed both hands under her cheeks and deeply kiss her, tongue going inside and everything, tasting himself in her saliva, playing with the tongue that satisfied him a few moments ago. The kiss intensified until both needed to separate for breathing, even him broke the kiss to gain some air but smiled satisfied at seeing her shaking her legs  -ill wait for you in my quarters at 9 to dinner, there’s something you want I should know?

-I like pasterys, I steal some donuts from the kitchen a few times and they were delicious

Silence, he looked at her kinda pissed off.

-Those were my donuts –at hearing that she laughed a bit- I specially order the 6 box for me –well well that’s why some of his orders came with 5 donuts instead of 6!

-You could give me the name of the baker and we are good

-Oh im giving you something else tonight –at saying that she froze with a small  unprepared shy smile, was that surprise? Did she also liked it daring and bold?

-Ill dress for the occasion then

-Inside my quarters comfortable and simple

-Better than the flight suits

At hearing that, now he blushed

At 9 Nora was in his door wearing a Casual outfit and he open the door wearing…a Bathrobe

-Food just arrived –he informed happy to see her laugh  to his very thoughtful outfit

-What is this a naked man? –she said laughing but then catch the fact that he didn’t get it –you know It is said to work 2 out of 3 times…-still he apparently didn’t get it, maybe he didn’t do it because of that- never mind it’s a prewar joke

-Don’t have me standing in my undies in public in front of the sentinel please –she went inside the room an close the door, doing a bold move to stand on her toes and kiss him in the cheek, just that, leaving the man stupid and frozen in his place- can we eat first? Its still warm and the drinks…

-Sure –she said with a very…nice, really nice smile, Arthur liked that smile.

Each one sat on their side of the table, Nora the first thing she did was serve them both a little whiskey.

-Glad we are talking –he said with confidence, he felt confident, like this was going really…well…confusing, but good, felt comfortable around such a beautiful woman, she had a strong presence that gives the idea of eating men up but at least him was growing comfortable around, at least what he can manage.

Or maybe he was imagining things from pure lust.

-So you are the type of guy who cool his whisky? –she ask at feeling the bottle cold.

-Not exactly, I just didn’t know how you like it and cool it in case of anything.

-Mmm i prefer to drink it at room temperature

-Strong

-Yeah –she smiled and then pick up her knife to cut on her Ribeye steak

-I have a doubt –he says and she looks at him, eating- how are you planning to buy the Tenpenny Tower? Allistair was 80 when I was 10, im surprised he lived until now

-For strange it seems I don’t, I know people who surpassed that age –the man raised an eyebrow confused also picking his knife- lets just say I have the paperwork done already

-I don’t get it

-Do you want to enter in details? –mmm maybe not, not dinning, he denied with his head.

-Im just surprised, even I don’t have my life planned like that to retire

-Do you plan to retire?

-Well no

-What if i…-a hand sneak in the tablecloth picking up one of his hands all suddenly, the hand with a knife- bought your retirement elder?

Silence, but despite everything she keep composure, she keep her smile.

-I don’t think that would be easy at all, im a Maxson –she keep smiling at him, in silence, no, he wasn’t ready for this conversation, too green, didn’t trust her enough

-You may be right, I would need more years of savings for another person retirement, it took me a lot to secure mine

-But are you planning in keeping the Tenpenny Tower as a residential place?

-The old gag made it his business until now, I think is a pretty solid model, self-sustainable, also I like places were people can be…just people…ill keep it that way

-You said you had a rich family back then doesn’t? –she nodded, chewing on her steak-why did they do for living?

-My grandfather owned the Grey Tortoise company

Arthur cutlery fall from his hands at hearing that completely shocked

-You are kidding –she raised her shoulders, didn’t expect such surprised reaction, she didn’t think he would recognize that name.

-No, im not

-The cigarette company? –she nodded, keep eating- no fucking way

-I had nothing to do with  my father heritage, that was all for my brothers –Arthur picked up his cutlery again and cut on his meat- after all he had a football team as family, didn’t exactly need another lawyer on his accounts, pay my career and weeding to keep me away from the company

-Wait you said your father was a politician –he asked recomposing and starting to eat.

-Yes, when my first brother turned 15 he introduced him to the company, trying to make him heir, never giving him any money that he wasn’t producing by his own work, there’s a big age difference between my brothers and me, I was the last and only daughter –she sighted, it wasn’t never easy talking about this- when 3 of my brothers started doing profit on the company my father moved to the politics, confident that they would do a good job at keeping our fortune so he can explore other fields, and apparently they did with his guidance because the other 4 brothers were working full time on the family company doing profits in no time

-Sounds like the whole family was compenetrated with making money –well Nora also had the spark for business and making money apparently, runs on her family.

-It took them their youth, I had my son when I was 34 without any hurry enjoying at maximum my marriage,  none of my brothers had wives, their lifes were just the company or my father politics career to make money, none had children, I was the first one in the family to give my father a grandchildren, his legacy fall on my son shoulders…that didn’t last much of course – Well the bombs, they took your land and now you're left all alone.

Not precisely alone, she had her family, until…she didn’t have it anymore

So she has an inherited and completely  natural talent for business, lit.

-And your last name Howard?

-From my husband Nate, my father introduced us, both meet in campaign for the war and we fell for the other instantly, we stick together a lot of years before my son –she said still eating on her steak

That is nice, getting to know each other over time, she wasn’t giving him the same treatment but he understand that she is running out of time to having a baby…

-Well I dont have much memorys of my mother and father but they were pretty important too –said Arthur drinking a bit on his whisky

-Its clearly not the same picture –she said trying to laugh a bit for the ridiculous

-For the money?

-No, our childhoods at least were completely different

-What do you mean?

The woman left the cutlery on the plate with a very loud noise and a face of disgust.

-I was in the top notch of the world  and then the world goes boom boom, and you…well never actually knew any better than this.

There it was, the things Danse mention. She hates everything. Despises the wastelands

-I carry with pride the  education I have because even if I didn’t experience it I knew that some time ago there was…a better –he said chewing on his food, not exactly pissed from the conversation, just chatting

-I suppose the history  is the better the wastelands can offer to people –Nora realized she was breaking the good mood of the night by whining so much about something so broad and abstract like life itself so she just take another sip of whisky and shut the fuck up but before…she realized something else, one last time, she needed this out of her chest like a need, a huge realization-we are kinda the last ones of our lineages doesn’t?

Nora realized not even her son was the last one, but her.

Arthur open his eyes and stop in his place, he was about to eat a piece of meat and…

It was true.

Of course hers wasn’t as important for the history as him but…

-But we are doing the best this world can offer us to not disappoint our forefathers

Silence, she closed her eyes and sighted, taking some seconds to think with her eyes in the darkness- You are doing a good job elder

He smiled.

-Please, call me Arthur –he said drinking on his glass of whisky.

-Will you call me Nora?

-Well it would be weird calling the mother of my child for her title doesn’t? impractical at least

Hearing that make the woman blush, sheeeeeeeez, didn’t expect it, she drink her full glass and then pick up the bottle to serve some more with a smile looking elsewere.

-Slowdown Arthur – oh that was his name on her lips, it sounded…good - we still have the dessert – she said with her red lips against the edges of the glass

If the two of them procreate and have a child…both were going to join and save their heritages. Well, Noras one was fucked up and pretty much loose all except for what she built until now but his…He had time but she…was running out time.

-Hows dinner then Nora? –he ask with a smile seeing her laugh.

-Better than Grilled radroach for sure 

-Nothing hard to beat then, I have a box of  Fudge fusion donuts so this time you can ask and not steal from me

-Who says im the type who ask for things? –she say that as a joke but for some reason it disturbed a bit the man making his eyebrow twitch as he bite on his meat.

That’s right, he didn’t know her that much. Lets not forget that.

After a while, Nora was clearing the table and gathering the dishes from the small dinner they had. Arthur was looking for the box of donuts and some paper napkins.

-Leave them in the bathroom, ill clean later –she nodded, the image of her in that casual outfit carrying the dishes give him a strange feeling of peace he never felt before, she looked like one of that prewar posters of the perfect wives.

She obeys without saying much, Arthur was preparing the table again until he look behind his back and there she was, looking at him directly stranding.

-Im sorry, I wanted to surprise you and then I remember what you say

-Yeah –he sat, patting on the chair next to him for her to sit-its because im the elder, im not allowed to relax and low my defense, you are really lucky that I didn’t knock you down that day

-You couldn’t knock me down even if you wanted –she say that joking but then pay attention and he wasn’t playing

-I mean it, its not a game for me, im prepared for an attack all times, my position is very important and a lot of people rely in my safety to keep the brotherhood on…

-Alright, I understand, its really that instinctive to have a bad reaction? –Nora sat on the chair next to him

-I could hurt you badly, because of my training to save my life in any case I will not hesitate –he didn’t exactly know if he was opening up because he felt…nice around or menacing her, stating some points, the warnings Danse gave him come to his mind now he was unsure of what his posture was around her. It confuses him, in one note he was comfortable and in another he didn’t know anything or why was she doing this.

-Then I suppose I should make you keep your eyes on me –she said placing a soft hand on his knee, just his naked knee.

He froze, and smiled nervous, getting aroused  with a very heavy heat in his chest all suddenly.

-I wont loose you from sight for sure

She was very flirtatious, maybe to seduce him, dindt actually know her that much to know if she was like that with Danse. For what he understand, she persued him in a very pitiful way and didn’t work, was this a new fenme fatale method? Using all her charms at all cost?

Damn he should really talk to him.

Both started to eat their donuts talking, just talking, it was nice to chat, but it was pretty obvious that on both sides they were closing distances, sitting up better and accommodating themselves to get closer to each other.

In no time they were making out, tasting the chocolate chips into the others mouth, savoring the crumbs on the others tongue, feeling the greasy texture of frosting in the walls of their mouths. When stealing the others breath Nora lean her back against the table, but Arthur quickly stand up and pick up her hands up to his chest.

-What…?-she ask with a smile and a few chocolate crumbs in the side of her mouth.

-We have the bed this time –for some reason her entire face shine, and stand, Arthur guided her hands to the bed but she was the one pushing him to sit in the mattress soon enough, holding on his shoulders loosing the bathrobe down his back, using these for support at the same time that her legs were positioned next to his thighs to sit on top.

-Do you want me to sleep here tonight? –she ask leaning her head to a side to take her hair out of the way.

-Im not letting you sleep –the woman breath in and bite on her lip, leaning down to kiss him deeply on the lips. Arthur corresponded to intensify the kiss more.

They spend the night, and this time, sleep together, at least a bit, until it was five and she wanted to get out from his quarters so nobody can see her walking so close.

Again, he pulled out, but this time they shared bed, his bed.

When she closed silently the door he keeps looking in direction were she disappeared, like he was missing something.

What were her intentions?

This situation had been dragging on.

He was very aware of what her objective was, they both were because they talked about it constantly, but they were not achieving it because he did not let himself and she was not pressuring or forcing him to accomplish it. But the reality was that they were delaying him and he didn't understand why she didn't look for him more.

[jadeittic]

harry styles x reader

fc: olivia scott welch

(im so sorry for posting again im genuinely just so bored of life ok + i havent moved on from fear street)

ynnewestupdates

liked by harryxyn, ynfan7, and 302,391 others

ynnewestupdates yourinstagram and harrystyles have been casted for a new trilogy film called 'fear street', coming this july 2! so excited to see them!!!

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harrylovesyn BRO THEM IN A MOVIE TOGETHER?????????? this has to be a dream

ynfan60 are the two playing as love interests?

harryfan23 from what i read, y/n plays a lesbian character, while harry plays as one of the main character's best friend

harryfan21 my bisexual ass cant handle this yall

ynfan82 YN AND HARRY IN THE SAME MOVIE, I REPEAT YN AND HARRY IN THE SAME MOVIE

ynfan62 im so excited for this!!! so happy for harry to widen his acting career

yourinstagram

liked by kianamadeira, emilyrudd, and 6,238,129 others

yourinstagram fear street: 1994 out on netflix!!

view all 423,129 comments

harryfan77 THE WAY SHES LOOKING AT HIM. AND THEY SAY LOVE IS DEAD.

harrylovesyn THE CHEMISTRY BETWEEN YN AND KIANA WAS IMMACULATE HARRY DID SUCH A GOOD JOB AS WELL IM SO PROUD OF EVERYONE

ynfan45 i fucking loved the movie, y/n and harry did so well in their roles. especially the fight scenes??? i fell much more in love. the cast did so well with the movie!!! hoping to see more movies like these in the future

kianamadeira I LOVE YOU TWO SO MUCH IM SO HAPPY THAT I WORKED WITH YALLLLLL

yourinstagram <3

harrystyles I still wish I was Kiana in most scenes, though. Especially that one scene.

harryfan18 harry keep it in your pants 😭😭

yourinstagram meh, i wish i could say the same

ynsupremacy oh my god

harryfan27 THE WAY SIMON DIED I SCREAMED

harrystyles

liked by yourinstagram, theestallion, and 7,121,328 others

harrystyles Fear Street: 1994 out on Netflix.

view all 592,325 comments

yourinstagram what i would do to experience our first day of shooting again !

harryfan21 netflix made such great characters only to kill them off at the end 😩

juliarehwald loved shooting with everyone :))))))

ynfan88 INLOVE WITH THE MOVIE I LOVE EVERYONE

ynfan82 so sure im not gonna move on from this movie, its such a masterpiece i cant even put the exact words on how amazing this film is

annetwist So proud of you all!

harrystyles Thank you, Mum!

yourinstagram

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yourinstagram having the best time with my rivals

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emilyrudd harry having the time of his life with the killers after his character got brutally murdered

harrystyles Ted and I had a lovely conversation in the back.

tedsutherland marry me sir

yourinstagram i had a lovely time third wheeling btw

harryfan49 i literally love these two, i have said it so many times, and i will still continue to do so. they are the definition of true love.

ynfan22 now i get why he wrote a love album about her

harrystyles

liked by bellahadid, jimmyfallon, and 8,183,428 others

harrystyles Who did it better? (It's me by the way.)

view all 230,138 comments

harryfan249 im sorry harry but yn did it better

yourinstagram me

harryfan28 LOVING THE CONFIDENCE Y/N POP OFF

oliviarodrigo parents

emmachamberlain they can adopt me for all i care

harryfan43 CUTIEEEESSSS

ynfan34 I CANT PICK

ynfan2 PAN PANIC

harryfan238 WHY ARE THEY SO HOT

[alreadyblondenow]

Two is better than one

Pairing: Lifeguard!Mark Lee x female!reader

Genre: SMUT, FLUFF

WC: 2,857k

Warnings: unprotected sex, couch sex, quickie, swearing, mentions of making out, this drabble is very light smut and fluffy HEHE

A/N: NOT PROOFREAD. I’ll fix it once I have time. Please let me be, I just want to write something fluffy for Mark to take away all my stress. For Neo Smut Collective’s Sunny Side.

———

There’s this one guy in school that your friends have been telling you to date during summer vacation because you’re the only single gal in your circle of friends. Of course that’s completely fine, but whenever your friends has double dates and they wanted you to come, you simply turn them down because you don’t want to be a burden during their date.

“And that’s why we’ve been telling you to date Mark, give him a chance, he’s a nice dude. Not to mention very good looking,” Your friend whines while she scans the clothes on the rack.

“I know what he looks like and I know that he’s nice,” you giggle at what your friend said, “but we don’t know if he wants to date. What if he’s perfectly fine with being single too? Seriously you guys, you’re wasting your time. I’m fine with being single,”

“Oh honey you can’t fool us. Admit it, you don’t want to date Mark because you want him to earn it, and not because we set you up with him” she smirked.

If you’re being honest, what she said was partly true. Partly. It’s true that yes, you wanted him to make the first move and actually like you first before you go on a date with him. And what you said earlier about being happy while you’re single is also true.

And the reason why you wanted him to like you first is because there’s no doubt that you will like him back. He’s Mark Lee. The guy is basically perfect and you knew already that falling for him is not going to be hard. He’s cool, funny, loud and you heard that he’s actually nice with everyone and not in a flirty way.

Given that you’re single and you’re used to do things alone, on a perfectly good day and nice weather, you decided to get some sun at the beach alone. With your juice on the side and a book on your hand, this day is going to be perfect you thought.

But while you were admiring the beach while siping on your drink, you saw a familiar figure sitting on the lifeguard chair which immediately made you remove your sunglasses so you could have a good look at him and to confirm your own judgement if you were right. And yes, you were right. It’s Mark Lee. Guarding the beach with no shirt on and just wearing his beach shorts... looking so hot and handsome with his shades on while smiling back to you.

Wait-

Just when you realized that he caught you looking at him, you feel so jumpy and nervous for no reason and you avoided him immediately. Going back to reading your book, just reading and not actually understanding a word. But when you saw him come down from that tall chair and saw him heading towards you, you suddenly got up and gathered your stuff with panic movements.

“Is she avoiding me?” Mark murmured to himself while walking towards you. “Wait! Look behind you-“ he shouted and tried warning you about the waiter carrying a tray of cold beverages. But too late because you already bumped on him and spilled different kinds of juices on your swimsuit.

“Don’t worry about it I’ll pay for it” he said to you while wrapping a towel around you and keeping you close to him. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up”

And just like that, without further discussions, you found yourself in Mark’s arms. Heading over their backdoor and you, entering his house for the first time. Everything happened so fast that you didn’t have time to refuse his offer of getting you cleaned up. He brought you straight to his cozy room, preparing the bathroom for you and telling you that if you need anything else just call him.

“Uhm... Mark?” You shout from the bathroom.

“Yeah? You need something?”

“My clothes are ruined and wet because of the juice-“

“Right, uhm... Gotcha! I-I’ll leave the clothes on the floor, okay” and off he goes to his closet to look for something that you could wear. Mark was all jumpy and nervous as he heads to the bathroom door and leave the clothes on the floor. This was all his fault, if he didn’t startled you by running towards you at the beach, you would’ve stayed in your comfort under the sun and the accident wouldn’t happen.

“I’ll pay for the damage and I’ll make sure to bring your clothes back immediately”

“No, don’t worry about it. Uhm... the restaurant, we own it. So don’t worry about it” he said nervously. Smiling so big in front of you. “So you know my name, huh? Why’d you ran off like that earlier?”

“Hmm. To be honest I got shy. And it’s so stupid, now I’m humiliated” you put your on your face and let out an awkward laugh, Mark did too but you notice that he can’t stop looking at you. That’s when you noticed that he has a pretty big head, beautiful eyes and sharp cheekbones. In other words, you’ve never appreciated his handsome features quite this close.

At the end of the day, Mark walked you home and you had a good talk with him. Taking it as a chance for apologizing to him for whenever you don’t show up during planned double dates. Turns out he never showed up too. Does that means he’s not interested with dating? Or with you in general?

A week after that unforgettable interaction with Mark, you found yourself looking at the neatly folded sweatpants and hoodie in front of you while thinking long and hard if you’re going to message Mark first and let him know that you’re going to his house to bring back the clothes... but it looks like you’re flirting with him already and you don’t like that... “fuck it” you murmured and head to their house just because you knew you’d have to return his clothes eventually. And just when you were a couple of blocks away, he came from behind and tickled you on your waist. Making you jolt and turn around with quick and sharp movements. He giggled and greeted you with a handsome smile, surprised that he even looked dashing with a shirt on.

“No lifeguard duty?” you asked, returning his big smiles with awkward ones.

“Just finished, that’s why you have no choice but to hang out with me” he said confidently like you two have been friends for a long time already.

Funny how just a week ago, you and your friend were debating whether you should give Mark a chance to take you out but you still refused because you wanted him to make the first move first. And now as you two hang out together in their house, watched the sunset by the beach with a couple of beers on the side, you can see that you’ve been missing quite a lot.

“So you’re saying that you’ve been waiting for me all this time?” he said out of nowhere while eating a pizza crust. You’re now in their kitchen, eating pizza and having more beers with him. Getting a little too friendlier than earlier.

“Not really waiting. I wasn’t expecting anything, but off topic...You’re cuter than I expected you to be” and just as the words came out from your mouth, you don’t know where the bravery came from. This must be the alcohol’s doing, you thought. You tried to avert your focus on other things like munching a few chips and finishing your beer in one down. Thinking of a better escape for this awkward situation that you started but before you come down from the kitchen counter, he confidently went in between your legs and came closer to you. So close that you can smell each other’s breath and smell the sweet flavor of the alcohol... but Mark wanted more than smelling you.

He wanted to taste your lips, and so he did.

Tongue swiping on your lips the moment his touched yours. Letting him dominate the kiss while he reaches for your arms and make you embrace him. He smiled and put the kiss to a halt.

“How’s that for my first move?” He smirked and placed another sweet kiss on your lips. And the next thing you know you and Mark are exchanging kisses nonstop until you reached their living and continue what you’re doing on their soft couch. Sitting comfortably on Mark’s lap, legs on both sides, while your hands are all over him.

“Take these off, let’s have some fun” he whispered while tugging your shorts. Completely aware that he’s brave and confident like this because of the alcohol push.

“Oh Mark Lee, you’ve been challenging me lately huh”

And it only takes a few seconds for you and Mark to get naked from waist down and go back to your previous position. Oh you wanted to feed your lust and look at his cock just for a few seconds but you need him already.

“Parents will be home soon, fuck-“ he informed you while you put his cock inside you slowly. Breathing heavily when you finally moved your hips slowly, then fast. You watch him furrow his brows, rest his arm on his head and watch you move with lidded eyes as you fuck him good. “Faster” he requested, grabbing your clothed boobs and kissing your neck that immediately put you both on edge.

With fast movements and sweet moans, soon Mark cant handle it anymore and grabbed you by the waist so fast that you didn’t even saw it coming, pulled out his cock from inside of you and pumped it while you kiss him during his orgasm. Not giving a fuck if his cum stains on their couch.

“I was planning to ask you on a date. Sorry this happened earlier than expected. I promise to try and stop myself from luring you to having sex with me. I promise” he apologized and looked at your swollen lips from kissing, tracing it gently and letting out a satisfied sigh as he tries so hard to not look down and look at your pussy.

“It’s fine with me Mark. But y-yeah. You’re right. We should do this the right way” you shyly admitted. Getting up from his lap and making yourself decent again. Why do you feel like you’re having great regrets?

After that night you and Mark did not see each other for a few weeks again. Well, mainly because you’re avoiding him and whenever you remember about the sex and how good it felt... it just feels wrong at the same time and you don’t know why you feel this way.

“Are you really not going to give Mark a chance?” your friend once again nags you about Mark. Maybe Mark kept what happened between you two and did not tell it to his friends.

“Uhm. I seriously don’t know” you answered weakly.

“Well, I hope you won’t get mad because we tricked you. He’s going to the park with us tonight”

But right before you get mad and whine about the situation, Mark and his friends appeared. And immediately forcing you two to stand beside each other.

The park was packed and busy with people wearing big smiles the whole night. You wanted to smile too and laugh loudly whenever Mark tries to make you laugh or even make a decent conversation but you’re afraid that your friends will get the wrong idea.

Good thing, Mark knew that you’re not comfortable right now especially that your friends are around. He also knew that what happened between you two completely ruined everything already, and he admits that he fucked up.

“Want to go somewhere else?”

He whispered beside you while your friends are riding the roller coaster and you and Mark are on bag duty. You wanted to say ‘yes’ of course, and you will use this time to apologize to him privately and explain what you’re really feeling.

Coming up with different excuses, you and Mark left the park and your friends separately and eventually meet him at the beach near their house. When you arrived at their house, surprisingly he set up mini picnic just for you, ordered pizza and made sure you two drink non-alcoholic beverages tonight to avoid what happened last week.

“This is not our first date. Not yet. But this is my way of apologizing for what happened. I’m sorry,”

“You did nothing wrong. I should be the one apologizing. It’s not right that I left you hanging just because my regrets got into me. I’m sorry”

After apologizing and talking about random stuff that comes out of your mouths, Mark finally had the guts to ask you something serious. Something that he has been thinking the moment his lips crashed on yours for the first time.

Firstly he admitted that he liked you. A lot. And that didn’t surprised you already because you found out with the way he kiss and hold you during the day you had sex. But what surprised you is that, you don’t feel the same way towards him even though he’s perfect.

“Honestly I was expecting myself to fall in love with you easily. But turns out you can’t really force your feelings” you said. Careful with your words so you won’t hurt him but you don’t have a choice.

“But do you want to give it a try? Give us a try?”

“I’ll think about it” you answered honestly. Because truth be told you don’t want to give him false hope.

And after a night full of truths and honesty, you and Mark remained close friends and promised each other that you will be honest with your feelings for him no matter what happens. As part of being friends, you visit Mark at the beach whenever he has lifeguard duties and wait until his shift is over to hang out or whenever it’s raining and his parents are away, you and Mark stay in their living room and watch Netflix while enjoying the weather together with his fluffy blanket covering your entire bodies.

Being single is not a problem to you, you are perfectly happy and contented with your self love and you believe that having a boyfriend will not make much of a difference in your life. And you also believe that Mark, a genuine and very lovable person, deserves someone who will shower him with love. You just can’t see yourself doing it with him.

But with almost a month of hanging out everyday, you grew fond of him that sometimes you unconsciously hug him and became unexpectedly sweet. Like that time at the beach, while watching the sun go down. You rested your chin at the top of his shoulder and decided to play with his black soft locks. Massaging his scalp while you admire him closely. Even Mark was shocked to the core when he realized that you are incredibly close. After that moment, you saw him as someone who can add up to your happiness. You’re now confident that Mark can double the happiness that you have in your heart now. Love is not easy. Loving someone is never a walk in the park. But being loved by someone like Mark, is not an opportunity that knocks on your door everyday.

Tonight is stargazing night and as usual he let you have his blanket, now your favorite blanket. It was a very tiring day for him and he accidentally fell asleep next to you. A thin mattress on the sand is not that comfortable but he will trade any comfortable bed in the world as long as you’re beside him while he rests. When he opened his eyes, the beach was blue and the sun was just about to come up. He noticed that you’re shivering, so he decided not to share with the blanket with you and give it to you completely instead.

“No, we can share. Come here” you murmured when you feel him move aside. So to keep him beside you, you wrapped your one arm around his waist and hugged him tightly. “This is better” you said, and in that very moment, even though the beach was still dark, you witness him blush and smile from ear to ear. Showing those sharp cheekbones and returning the tight hug.

“Mark,”

“Hm? Still cold?” he asked while keeping you warm using his hand, rubbing it on your shoulders.

“Not at all. But I decided to give us a try”

He let out a satisfied sigh and became instantly clingy and giggly, “Finally,”

And you were right. Mark made you happier than you could have ever imagine. But even though that he won your heart already, for Mark, he still thinks that you can leave him so easily. One mistake, one fuck up and he can ruin everything that he’s building right now. That’s why while making you happy everyday, he’s working on keeping you forever by showing you that he can love you even more each day. Showing you that two is better than one and you don’t have to experience love alone

[pjisskullourful]

i should be getting into my makeup/costume to be skynd for my besties birthday/halloween party but i cant leave the house todaay-- allergies& anxieties get to win today

whatever, heres the first scene of the ethan halloween fic, featuring an awesome halloween party

im on the homestretch of writing it & in the meantime please enjoy the preview

LADY'S COMPANY, SCENE ONE, 1.7k words

“I’m gonna need you to stay close to me tonight.” You said to your boyfriend as you sat in the back of the Uber. The large hat that completed your Halloween costume was resting on your lap.

Ethan looked away from the window. “Of course. I do that at every party, right? I’ve never just abandoned you…”

You reached your gloved hand out for his, unable to feel the warmth of his touch, but grateful to have him to hold onto all the same. “That’s true, but I’m gonna need it extra tonight- like, I might need to use you as my crutch.”

“Babe, we’re in public, it’s not appropriate to be talking about my crotch right now.” He said, prompting you to roll your eyes as you snatched your hand out of his grasp. “I’m kidding, I’m totally kidding. As an underling of the lady, if she needs me to lean on, then it will be my privilege to assist her in that fashion.”

You had practised walking in these ten-inch high boots ever since they had arrived in the mail. You put the Pleasers on when you were washing the dishes, or leaving the apartment to check the mailroom, ignoring the pain as you tried to perfect a confident stride.

The majority of your tumbles had happened during that first week. But you usually depended on the kitchen counter to keep yourself upright, or a hand on the wall to maintain your balance.

And tonight was going to be your longest stretch of time in the high heels. All of this had you feeling a little unsure.

But you were determined to push through the trepidation, willing to give this your best effort.

Because this Lady Dimitrescu cosplay had been a long time coming.

Video games were one of the first things that you and Ethan had related on during those early dates - showing you that you could hang out with him, enjoying his company beyond romance and fucking. It was the common ground that had made settling into a relationship with him so easy.

When you had caught covid in the middle of last year, he hadn’t entertained the thought of being anywhere but by your side. He had caught the virus during the early stages of the pandemic and being fully vaccinated by the time that you started to show symptoms - he was the ideal person to take care of you. This included keeping you entertained by playing through the newly released addition to the Resident Evil franchise.

You had laid on the sofa next to him, watching as he progressed through Village. He hadn’t played when he didn’t have you as an audience member, not allowing you to miss any of the gameplay. If you were too tired to watch then he would either nap with you, or take care of chores around the home.

It was a rare opportunity for the two of you to get downtime together and the majority of it had revolved around this survival video game.

Now you were dressed as the giant villain, with him taking on the role of one of the lady’s henchmen. Dressed in a black gown with a hood, he had his face painted with makeup, including a lot of fake blood around his mouth - he had transformed into Cassandra.

Something that the two of you had worked on for awhile was ready to be shared with your friends.

The car came to a stop outside Victoria’s apartment building. He was quickly out of the car, rushing around to help you out of your side. His flat shoes added no issues to his mobility and he was there to offer both hands to you in an instant.

You carried your hat in one hand, gripping him tightly with the other. The train of the white dress that you had made dragged on the ground behind you as you took cautious steps towards the lobby doors. These first moments were always the most challenging, as you needed to remember how to handle yourself in the shoes, trying to ignore the impulse to give in to the wobbles that threatened your balance.

But he remained at your side, not rushing your steps. He let you set the pace as the Uber driver left the street behind. You concentrated on every step, placing your foot down with purpose. You thought that the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park moved with more delicate grace than you currently possessed.

Once in the elevator you placed your wide-brimmed hat atop your curled hair. You had crafted the hat yourself, the crown of it adding more height to your overall appearance.

You were distracted from primping yourself in front of the mirror wall when you noticed him watching you, a smile on his painted face. “What, what are you looking at?”

He went on smiling, leaning against the wall. “I’m looking at my amazingly creative girlfriend in a cosplay that’s better than the original character.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re gonna be in a good mood all night because you’re at boob-level.” You said of your cleavage, which was currently being moulded by a push-up bra.

“That is not the case. This is a wonderfully crafted costume and you deserve the admiration for the hard work that went into a flawless look.” He said. “And if I were to look at your tits, it would be with the intent to wait to motorboat you until we get home. Because I respect your look enough to not want to ruin it with my makeup. Until the end of the night, at least.”

“Good boy.” You said, taking advantage of your newly-acquired height to pat the top of his head.

It would take some time to adjust to being taller than your boyfriend. Usually you two were at eye level with one another. The only time that you had to get on your tip-toes to kiss him was when he wore a pair of platform shoes.

The elevator doors opened and it was at once clear that you were on the right floor - the loud music from Victoria’s home could be heard in the communal hallway.

The song only got louder when she opened the door. But she immediately matched the volume of the music, an expression of joyful surprise on her face as she looked at the two of you. “Holy fuck, Ethan brought his giant vampire wife!” It was delivered like an announcement to the rest of the party, getting the attention of those nearby.

The hostess herself was dressed in a frilly dress, which had been in the innocent shade of baby blue, until she had gotten her hands on it. Now the fabric was covered in the deep red of fake blood, concentrating on the main wound over her stomach. Her white knee-high socks had been similarly ruined, there was also blood on her limbs and face.

“Aren’t you going to invite us in?” You asked, keeping one hand rested on his shoulder. This was a joke that you had worked out together, playing with the ancient lore that vampires couldn’t enter a home without being explicitly invited by one of the residents.

“Oh my God, yes. Please come in.” She said, standing to the side. “You guys look so fucking amazing.”

“Thank you.” Ethan said. “You look traumatised.”

“Yeah, my costume makes more sense when I’m standing with Tom, but I…” With a furrowed brow she trailed off, starting to look around at her surroundings. “...don’t know where he- ah, Thomas!”

He emerged from the other side of the room, dressed in the exact same dress that she was wearing. He was similarly bloodied and his hair was styled in the same fashion, complete with a cute little white daisy clip to hold it back from his face.

“Wow. Okay, putting the rest of us to shame.” He said of your costumes. “Like, this is so good that it’s kind of insane.”

Ethan’s face lit up at the sight of his friends’ identical outfits. “Oh, the Grady twins.”

“Yeah.” She said, the grin leaving her face as she grabbed Thomas’ hand. In her stance and expression, she became very robotic. It was unnerving due to how radically it went against your friend’s typical disposition. He aimed to mirror her shift, standing with perfect posture and his hazel eyes seemed to see through you.

“Come and play with us, Danny.” The pair said, so close to being in perfect unison with their quote. “Forever, and ever…”

“And ev-...” She cut herself off with a frustrated goan. “Again, where were you, man?”

His expression became sheepish as he looked at her. “It’s two and ever’s?”

“Yes, come on, we looked it up after the last time. We gotta get it right, Stanley Kubrick is spinning in his grave right now.” She said of The Shining’s director, before lowering her voice to subtly ask Ethan a question. “He is dead, right?”

“Yes darling, and for a very long time now.”

“I can’t get over these incredible costumes.” Thomas said.

“Yeah, I’m really glad you guys got the point that Halloween is supposed to be scary.” She said. “Unlike some people…”

“Who isn’t being scary?” You asked.

“I think I can guess…” Ethan said.

Damiano was found in the kitchen - breaking the trend of fake blood that his bandmates had fully leaned into. Instead of channelling something spooky, he had elected for a sexy presentation, dressed as a vintage Playboy bunny. He had the tall ears atop his head and the fuzzy, white tail attached just above the butt of his tight bodysuit.

The conversation he had been having was cut short when he got distracted by the sight of you and Ethan. “Oh shit, Tall Girl 3: World War Tall…” He was close to your exaggerated height thanks to the high heels he was wearing. “This is so fucking cool.”

“And scary.” Victoria said.

He rolled his eyes. “Bite me, I am living my best life right now. And that’s the life where we observe the girl world rule that Halloween is the one day a year when you can dress up like a total slut, and no one can say anything about it.”

Ethan considered this with a thoughtful look on his face. “So everyday is Halloween to you?”

Damiano opened his mouth, but you were deprived of hearing his sassy comeback when Victoria seized upon this silence, raising her voice. “Edgar is here now, group photos. Let’s go to the balcony.”

“Is the lighting out there still good?” He asked.

You found a barstool to perch yourself on, catching up with other friends in attendance, while Ethan was preoccupied by the impromptu photoshoot.

[simpsiren]

the hopeless romantic;

mark lee x reader

Mark Lee is your guy. He’s the sweetest man alive, extremely kind to everyone he gets into contact with. With his signature laugh, what’s there to not like? He’s bubbly, bright, a ball of sunshine. He’s probably happiness itself. However, perhaps his joy had some cons to them. Like being the one that had always tried to see the bright side of every mishap when he knew it too well that there’s just nothing good to be seen in some things. Or the fact that he wants to simply be seen as the one happy person with zero worries for the world whatsoever.

genre. angst, emotional, broken lovers, fluff

word count. 12.8k~ (shorter than expected vjdhsis)

a/n. im so sorry if the story is fast paced or it isn’t long enough i was running out of time and i was busy with school for the whole week i barely had free time. i really wanted to meet the release date so i highly doubt this is up to standards :(

description. eshajōri— the idea about the impermanence of all things, that every human relationship will end some day due to the transient nature of life

That’s what I thought. That the world had to continue spinning. That’s just how life is. I slowly fell out of love in my relationship with Mark. He’s everything I ever wanted, but it just seemed to end up that way. I was wrong to think he’s just another phase in my life, one that comes and goes, never to meet me again. When in reality, he became something much, much more. Memories tainted, love was lost. Yet, Mark took me down a journey that helped me remind myself why I fell in love in the first place and find feelings that I thought were long gone.

!as they should masterlist!

It was late into the night. The stars above shined brightly over the blank dark canvas. I couldn’t keep my head down from it, simply straining my neck by looking upwards to the sky as I thought over about what to say to Mark. A lot of things went through my mind while I made my way to his band room. The good, the bad. I sent myself on an emotional roller coaster ride. I’ve waited long enough, I kept telling myself. I’ve been holding out for far too long. I’ve been building it all up for this day.

I went into the building, now dimly lit with an orange hue from the one lamp at the front desk. I made my way to the fifth floor, absentmindedly taking the stairs so that I could drag out time for just a little while longer. I took wary steps, perhaps my legs started wobbling as I inched closer to the room down the hallway. I stood in front of the door, knowing Mark was on the other side. Though I was sure of doing this, I began to wonder if it was the right thing. If I should simply brush it off. Did I care about my feelings more... or Mark’s?

“I need to do what I have to do.” I muttered under my breath as I grabbed the door handle, cold to the touch and pushing it down to open the door. It creaked loudly, just like how it always had every time I came here. I looked around, spotting Mark in the corner with his guitar. I guess he chose to play the acoustic one today, his head tilted down to the point where only the top part of his fluffy hair was visible. His fingers carefully placed on the strings as he strummed a few chords and hummed with happily.

Mark looked up at me upon my arrival, though I’ve been standing at the doorframe for quite some time, and it was only now did he notice my presence. “Baby!” He shriek, placing the guitar he had on his lap on the stand and making a beeline over to me. Mark pulled me into a hug, to which I responded with a hug back. Feel something, please. Why aren’t you feeling anything with Mark’s arms around you?

Mark pulled away, a happy giggle leaving his lips. He held my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine as he walked me over to where he sat at. He motioned me to sit on the stool next to him with a jark of his chin. Our hands were still held together, my eyes trailing from them and to Mark’s face.

I looked at his hair, the one I never failed to touch the moment I see him, but not today. His eyes that meant so much to me, ones that never failed to look into mine with nothing but joy. His lips that formed the most perfect smile that lit up my world, never failing to let out his beautiful voice, when he sang or when he talked, or when he expressed his love for songwriting each time he talked to me about the many songs he wrote. To top it off, his signature laugh, one that came out from him and him only. No one did it like Mark.

“Why did you call to meet me here? Did you want to accompany me while I practiced?” I realised that Mark was talking and I came zinging back to attention. I pursed my lips into a thin line, a small smile forming after. “Where’s the rest of the Dreamies?” I questioned back, again wanting to put off the time I had to say what I wanted to. Mark galnced to the door before looking back at me. “They already left. I would have gone home but you texted me so.” Mark bobbed his shoulders as a way to finish his sentence.

I hummed softly in response. I exhaled, a little too loudly to the point where Mark raised a questioning brow at me and asked again, “So what are you here for?” I closed my eyes, mentally preparing myself as I bat them open to lock eyes with Mark. “I need to talk to you about something.” I could already feel my voice wanting to crack and break, my eyes already preparing its tears for when it’s time to let them out. Regardless, I kept my calm composure for Mark to see.

“We’ve known each other for seven years, got together for five.” I bit the inside of my cheek, forcing myself to resume though I wanted to simply stop there and scrap this whole thing off like it was nothing. “Aren’t you... Tired of it? Tired of me?” I wanted to continue without hearing Mark’s reply. I couldn’t bear to hear his voice. Yet, he lets out, “What? Of course not. I’m never tired of you.”

I shut my eyes hard, shaking my head as I looked down. “No, you don’t get it Mark Lee. See, that’s the thing. You’re never tired of me. You’re never tired of our relationship. Not once did you have any doubts about us.” I breathed a painful chuckle, having to run a hand down my face and taking a deep breath. I met his eyes again for a brief moment. I could tell they were scared. It was filled with fear and anxiety, already anticipating on what I wanted to say.

“I’m not feeling the love between us anymore, Mark Lee.” I finally let out. Mark’s bright smile faltered to small frown at first, and eventually grew into nothing. He had an emotionless expression on, one that I tried to mentally pull apart piece by piece to find his true emotion, but to no avail. Of course I had my guesses though. “And it’s not because of anything bad. It’s just...” I kept a pause, wanting to see how I could phrase it in the most gentlest way possible, but I realised there was no other way to say it than, “You’re just too kind, Mark. You’ve always been kind. We’ve never even fought once in our five year relationship. I guess... I got bored of it.”

Mark wasn’t saying a single thing, simply staring at me as if wanting to tell me, “Let it all out before it’s my turn to fire back.” And so be it. I continued. “Echajōri.” I said out of the blue. “I looked it up. It’s when no human relationship would last due to the simple nature of life. That’s what I think this is. It’s just how it works. That’s just how the world wants us to be. Who knows, you’re probably just a phase in my life.”

“I love you, Mark. You’re perfect in all ways. Me falling out of love was probably nature’s doing. If the world continues to spin, and the world’s forces want us to meet again, then we shall. We’ll know it’s fate. But for now...” I released Mark’s hand from mine, only noticing now how tightly he was holding on while I got lost trying to spill it all out. Mark let his hand loose so that I could slide it away.

I pushed myself off the stool, adjusting my purse. I walked back to the door, eyes closed with shallow breaths. Hesitantly, I placed my hand on the door handle. I turned around one last time, my mouth opening and closing as I tried to form my sentence. “D-Do you... have nothing to say?” I asked, voice clearly breaking as I was at the point of collapsing. Mark avoided my gaze, blinking his eyes rapidly as if wanting to hold back his tears. He sniffled, turning his head elsewhere before going back to me, his eyes too scared to meet mine.

“If that’s how you want it. Then so be it.” I widened my eyes ever so slightly, the cold and harsh tone of his words firing back at me. His face was kept soft and tender but his words rolled hard on his tongue, sharply slicing the sliver of confidence I had left in me. “Goodbye, Mark Lee.” I croaked out, not even botjering to sound fine as I left and exited the room.

Like a snap of the fingers, I fell hard onto the floor, preventing myself from making a loud thud as I did so. I covered my mouth, scrunching myself up into a ball as I cried hard, head dipped down and too scared to face the world. I wanted to scream, knock my head against the wall and say, “You’re the meanest person alive. Fuck you for hurting Mark.” That was all I could think about. I didn’t want to stay here long. I couldn’t bear to be in any close of a proximity to Mark after what I just did.

I made my way out of the building. There’s no coming back for me. Thus is a terrifying feeling. It’s the feeling of something turning, of coming to a corner and going around it and seeing that the street ahead is dark and deserted filled with wild dogs but you cant go back only forward into the middle of the pack. I had to wipe my face constantly to get rid of the dried up tears on my cheeks and the snot that blocked my nose, yet it never seemed to stop. Not while I walked back home, and when I was at home. I cried into the night till I fell asleep in despair, my muffled cries being the last thing I hear for the rough night.

“Mark, open the damn door!” The banging on Mark’s door had been going on since the breaking dawn of the morning. The sun was disgustingly shining over Mark’s face as the sun began to rise and make its way up into the sky. Mark covered his eyes with his forearm in an attempt to block the sunlight. His world was falling apart as each second passed by. He had no energy for anything. Though the world was still spinning, he wasn’t. He wanted it all to pause. Everything going by too fast and he simply wanted to slow down.

However, he slowly grew annoyed at the fact that his friends had been sitting outside his apartment for hours now. He forced himself out of bed with an annoyed groan, ruffling his greasy hair and taking dragged steps to the door, finally opening it.

Haechan was standing right in front of him, almost falling from the sudden open of the door. Behind him was the rest of Mark’s only friends, his band members. Haechan huffed, folding his arms and placing his weight on one leg. “Let us through.” Haechan abruptly pushed Mark away, bursting in Mark’s place unannounced like how they sometimes did. The rest came in, eyes glancing to Mark for a moment. He made eye contact with each of them, and he knew they all had that look of concern that Mark had no desire to see.

Either way, he let them in, closing the door behind him and wanting to make his way straight to the couch to lay back down, only to realise all his friends had occupied it fully. “We need to have a serious talk.” Mark wished they didn’t bring it up. Mark wished that he didn’t have to go through this, the inevitable situation of being interrogated. “Serious? Wonder what.” Mark echoed dryly, making his way to the kitchen.

“You know what we mean! You haven’t been to practices for so long.” Mark heard Renjun’s voice whining as he opened the fridge, taking the slice of watermelon on instinct. He shut the fridge, taking long lazy strides back to the living room. “And?” Plopping himself down next to the group, the sound of Chenle cursing under his breath being unintentionally loud. “And? That’s it?! Mark you-” Chenle sounded as if he was out to choke Mark dead, but he was trying to think of what to say. Mark took a bite of his watermelon.

“You kept making excuses and purposely skipping.” Chenle added on through gritted teeth. Mark had his head hung low the whole time, taking small yet quick bits like a rabbit. Jaemin, being the one closest to him, cleared his throat. “It’s obvious, you know? We’ve been your friends long enough to know that something’s wrong.” Jaemin’s comforting tone rang through Mark’s ears. He was getting an earful, but thankfully Jaemin was there to soothe it down

“Mark, please. Say something. We’re worried.” Finally, Mark lifted his head up at his best friend’s voice, Jeno. “I don’t wanna talk about it.” Mark whispered, but loud enough for them to hear. He reached his hand out to grab a tissue and wrap it around the finish watermelon, placing it on the table. He dragged his knees close to his chest and hugged himself into a ball like he always had since that day. “We would have accepted that excuse back then but you know it’s not working this time.” Jisung, the youngest spoke up.

“How long has it been? Since I became like this?” Mark asked, he genuinely wanted to know since he had lost track of time. “Four whole months.” Mark chuckled weakly with the few of them answering in unison. Mark ran a hand through his hair, the greasiness from not washing it didn’t actually bothered Mark till now.

“Four months had passed. Do you guys think four months is enough to get me back on my feet after I’ve broken up from a five year relationship?”

Mark’s question made everyone sat there, frozen and still. Their faces turning blank and speechless. Haechan tried to open his mouth, but it only ended up quivering at the thought that he didn’t know what to mention at all. Mark glazed his eyes over his friends. He knew they couldn’t help him. He dugged himself this hole of despair, and he wasn’t able to get out. Those four months, Mark had tried to find ways to get back to her, he questioned himself on what he did wrong, what he could do to piece it all back together. But of course, with the sadness sliding in, Mark had no hope left in his body.

“Do you want to tell us what happened?” Chenle’s voice became soft and gentle, not like before when he was rigid and pissed at his friend for not coming to the many practices he purposely skipped. Mark took in a deep breath. He’s been practicing. Not breaking down the moment it was time to talk about it. He promised himself he won’t break down, making himself look like a mess.

“She said she fell out of love. She said it wasn’t a bad thing, though I don’t see how it’s good either. She basically said that our relationship had been too happy, too perfect, I guess?” Mark had to take a second. Oh no, the tears were welling up in his eyes. On instinct, Jeno went down from the couch to hug Mark tight. And at his touch, Mark let his body loose, crying hard into his friend’s hoodie.

“She began to get bored of me, Jeno!” Mark croaked out, as if the rest were not looking at the two on the floor with worrisome and hesitation, not sure if they should comfort Mark as well, or simply sit there. Sometimes it was best to not interfere. This is one of those instances.

“She literally said that it’s just the way of life. That it was natural for her to lose feelings for me. That that’s just how the world works. But I don’t get it! I’ve been trying to find the good out of this, but I can’t. I fucking can’t!” Mark shook his head vigorously, hands clutching tight on Jeno’s hoodie while he dug his head into Jeno’s chest more and practically poured his heart out.

“Um... Can I say something?” Everyone paused in there movements, including Mark as their heads slowly turned to Jisung who had his body leaned back into the couch, a shaky and uncertain hand raised. The rest raised a brow in a shocking manner, but also curious as to what the youngest had to say on this. “What?” Mark asked, barely audible and recognisable.

“Alright well, see. Maybe I could understand from her point of view.” Jisung looked at the others for confirmation to keep going, only to be met with disgusted faces that said, “How could you?!” “Can’t you see Mark’s crying here?!” As if Jisung could clearly hear it, he placed both hands up in defence mode. “Listen! In a five year relationship, don’t you guys agree that it’ll get boring? You’re being together with someone for so long, how can anyone not get tired of it?”

“I didn’t.” “Well most people do, Mark.”

Jisung lowered his voice as he spoke. “And if you want the relationship to last long, it needs to be exciting, it needs to feel fresh and new no matter how long it’s been. Don’t you guys get it? Perhaps, from what I know, Mark has always been bright and perfect. Imagine not having a fight or some sort of argument for five years. It’s not always good for a relationship to suffer from no problems that would affect the relationship. All relationship has to have its flaws, or else it’ll feel unreal. Perhaps she felt that it was unrealistic.”

The silence that had already filled the room from the beginning was now falling deeper upon the youngest’s wise words. It was practically pin drop silence now, with only Mark’s shallow breathing and sniffles to be heard. He wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt. Exhaling loudly, he said, “Then what can I do? If she’s lost feelings for me, I don’t see another way...” Mark realised how deep he was into this. How Jisung made him realise that it was true. He’s been nothing but happy towards her that they’ve never had a single argument or anything. He understood what she meant by her words that resonated in his mind while Jisung talked.

Renjun slammed his hands on the table, palm faced down while looking to Mark. “Then show her how you two were at the beginning of the relationship!” Renjun exclaimed, as if he had the most brilliant idea. The room was suddenly lit. The atmosphere changed as everyone nodded their heads in agreement. Everyone turned to Mark, who leaned back from the sudden lift of atmosphere.

“Exactly! Show her why she fell in love with you in the first place!” Jaemin shouted as well. Mark was suddenly bombarded with everyone screaming and giving chants of encouragement. Meanwhile, Jeno was looking at him with the softest smile, both him and Mark shaking their heads at everyone’s outrageous behaviour.

“We’ll help you.” Jeno whispered, a firm and assuring hand on Mark’s shoulder. Mark had never asked them for help, ever. No matter what he suffered, he suffered it alone, wanting to be seem as the person who could handle whatever’s been thrown at him himself. But with a problem like this that made him fall so deep into the loophole, he knew from the get-go that he could trust his friends. No second thought needed.

I worked at a bookstore. As cliché as that sounded, I liked working there. You get free books whenever there’s unwanted stock, you didn’t have to work much, simply arranging the books and being the cashier. I only had one other person who worked with me here, which was Jaehyun.

In a small bookstore with books handpicked by the owner herself, it wouldn’t be the most popular bookstore around. Hence, why it’s always a breeze to work here, not having to deal with a whole bunch of customers. “Should we get lunch?” Jaehyun asked after coming out from the back, patting his apron which I never knew why he wore in the first place. I smiled softly. “There’s no one to watch the store but us.” I reminded him, placing the last book I had in my arms on the shelf and making sure it fits snug in between the rest of the books.

Jaehyun hummed, nodding his head thoughtfully. “Looks like we’re ordering take out from the restaurant right down the street.” Jaehyun taunted, leaning his face forward jokingly while taking out his phone. “I’d be too lazy to go anyways. I’m tired.”

Jaehyun chuckled. “Mentally or physically?” I didn’t even take me a second to plainly reply with, “Both.” I walked up to the counter where Jaehyun sat at, his head tilted down to his phone. I sat on the opposite side, letting my arms fall and hit the wood. “Why are you tired?” Jaehyun suddenly asked. I blinked my eyes, trying to formulate answer which ended up being, “What do you mean?” Which was not even a proper answer in the first place.

“Why are you mentally tired?” Jaehyun’s voice grew low and soft while it became serious. I knew right then and there what he was implying. He had always been hinting on me about it. I knew he noticed my change in behaviour, and wanted to know why. As much as I wanted to tell him, my answer to that had always been the same. “Just... things.” I lied through my teeth, the answer being too vague and suspicious. It only got Jaehyun to shake his head.

“I know something happened, come on. You can never hide your feelings.” Jaehyun said firmly. We both knew it was a fact. Something I’ve struggled with all my life, which meant that as much as I wanted to keep it to myself, I had to let it out sooner or later with the invisible pressure I have always gotten from my surroundings. “Do... Do you remember the night when I went to your house and got drunk?” Jaehyun looked up with thought before replying with a hum.

I bit my lower lip, silence circulating the air for a brief moment. “You literally came unannounced and you never told me why either since you were already drunk when you came.” Jaehyun recalled softly, he turned his phone to me, motioning to pick something to eat. While I scrolled through the options, I exhaled sharply. “Well um... a few days before that, I did something. Terrible.” My chest puffed up and down, I couldn’t tell what Jaehyun’s expression was, but I knew from the silencd again that he knew I was beating around the bush.

Jaehyun suddenly snatched his phone away from me. I gaped my mouth open. “Hey I wasn’t done-” “Tell me what’s wrong.” Jaehyun demanded, eyes piercing into mine. I frowned, slowly pointing down to the phone. “If you can just help me press the burger-”

“_____, please!” Jaehyun half-shouted. I instantly grew quiet, intimidated by his sudden shout. He took in a deep breath before continuing. “Four months. You aren’t like how you were before. I know I’ve never questioned you straight up. And I can feel how much you’re trying to hide it. Are you dumb to think you can do that with me?” Jaehyun leaned back from his hunched over position to fold his arms.

“What am I suppose to say? The fact that I broke up with my boyfriend of five years? That I hurt his feelings for the sake of mine? That even though he’s been nothing but good to me I made the damn decision to break his heart for my own good?!” I retorted back, voice escalating with each sentence. I pinched my temples, hot air suddenly rising to my head. That sudden burst that came out of me also resurfaced emotions that I wanted to keep underground, away from my heart and mind. But it was all now out in the open, and I couldn’t simply ignore it any longer.

“There, I said it. And I don’t think I can ever get rid of the guilt from that night four months ago.” My voice lowered itself till I became inaudible. I closed my eyes for a moment to allow myself to calm down. I wanted to cry it all out again, just like I did that night. But i’ve shed far too many tears till I simply couldn’t cry anymore, only having to deal with the weight of my heart that sunk due to these feelings, feelings that blocked my lungs from letting me breathe fresh air.

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?” Jaehyun whispered, his angry expression growing into a look of sympathy. “That’s the face I don’t want to see. The damn look of pity of the people I tell this to. That’s why I didn’t want to say anything in the first place.” I let out, swallowing whatever feelings I had and making sure its kept deep in my heart again.

Jaehyun kept silent, and the air around us suddenly grew thick, suffocating me as unsaid words floated around. I cleared my throat to break the thin ice of silence. “I told myself that he’s just another phase in my life. No matter how long we’ve been together. He meant a lot to me... but whatever that happened has happened. I can’t change the past, so I’ll move on from it, one way or another.” I said, directing it to myself and not exactly to Jaehyun.

“You didn’t have to do it alone.” Jaehyun whispered, his eyes lifted up from the counter and to me. He locked his gaze to me, our eye contact never breaking. I felt the sincerity, care through his look. “I know you aren’t over it. So if you need anyone, just come to me. I’ll be anything you need me to be. I’m always here.”

I got home one night from a day out with Jaehyun. I was tired to the core, eyes barely half opened as I kicked my shoes off and went straight for my room, dropping my sling back at the door and plopping myself down on my bed, letting my body sink into sheets. I got comfortable, hugging my soft toys. Just when I wanted to close my eyes and drift off, my phone rang.

I flinched at the ringing, the vibrating on my hand only making me groan. I picked it up. The lockscreen glaring the only name I never wanted to see. “Did I not delete his number?” I muttered to myself in a weak voice, trying to recall if I ever did. But I soon remembered that the time I “got rid off all traces of Mark” was when I got drunk. I got to know that I never did anything regarding that.

I stared at the screen, the ringing still ongoing and Mark’s name glaring at me widely and boldly. I would have done everything I could to get it out of my sight. But something in me made me press the pick-up botton at the bottom with a shaky thumb filled with fear and uncertainty. I slowly brought my phone up to my ear, not letting out a word.

There was silence for a moment, which turned into a long moment. I suddenly heard shuffling, like someone’s moving in there seat. The phone’s been moved. A sudden shallow breathing that was most probably Mark’s. “You picked up... I’m surprised.” The moment I heard Mark’s voice, my heart shattered into millions of pieces. His voice, still sweet as ever, sounded as if he was talking to the most fragile being on earth.

“Why-” “You don’t have to say anything. I’m actually not feeling good right now.”

A little more inspection on the tone of his voice got me to realise that he was drunk. Did he call me while drinking? I could hear him coughing away from the speaker on the other end. I got worried, wanting to make sure he was fine. “Did you drink?” I asked bluntly. Mark chuckled softly, the sound sending shivers down my spine. It felt unreal, suddenly having him talk to me after all these months. But perhaps it was, the probability of him forgetting he ever contacted me was there.

“I have a song... I wrote. It’s not about you. I mean... it might be. Is it?” Mark giggled carelessly. “Do you want to hear it?” I could tell Mark’s throat was dry, coarse, like he’s been drinking for hours. I knew him well enough to recognise the slightest changes. Before I could ever answer, the shuffling came back again, and after awhile, a strum of a guitar was heard. “When the sun and moon pass over my head. I try to move on, try to move on.” My lips quievered tremendously, wanting my lips to part and voice out, “Please don’t sing. You’re hurting me.” But I couldn’t. No sound left my lips. I was rendered speechless.

“Even though the world we created is already messed up. I am still stuck here, broken.” Mark voice rang through my ears. I placed my hand to my head, scrunching up my hair as I balled my hand into a fist, anger and frustration, but also sadness and despair began rising up. All feelings I tried so hard within these months to get rid of, coming back at me, full blow, at two fold. “Mark...” He continued singing regardless.

“How do I miss you baby? How can I still be missing you like this? I know I should move on. I know I should go on. How do I love again? Just come back to me.” I broke down harder with each word, my other hand dropping the phone to cover my mouth as tight as possible while I cried and screamed, everything muffled and hidden. Everything was crashing over my heart. It grew heavy to the point where I couldn’t carry myself properly no longer.

I couldn’t be facing another day like this. I’ve tried so hard to get over Mark, try to forget the guilt of leaving the most sweetest person in my life. I regretted it every single day, I still do. But I continued, carried on, moved on with life. But having him show up suddenly, his voice, oh so sweet, a song he’s singing for me.

Days went on. I could never get the song out of my head. Mark’s voice made me envision him, at his house, guitar on his lap. He sang with his whole heart, true to him and his feelings. I couldn’t bear it. It kept resonating in my head. I even began humming it and eventually singing it, but broke down each time. The action was so instantaneous, something I did without any second thought. I kept unknowingly driving myself into having a breakdown each time I did that.

“You’re making it so hard for me to move on, Mark Lee. Why did you have to be this kind of person? Why can’t you just hate me? I’m fucking regretting it every single second of my life. Why can’t you just help me relief the pain by hating me? Forgetting me whole? Why can’t you do that?” I cried out. All I wanted was to grab a glass of water, now sitting on the cold kitchen floor with the empty glass on the counter. The melody crept into my mind again, a monster eating me up. My heart ached as I began singing again, voice cracking and words indescribable and barely audible for anyone to hear.

The very next day, I was met with darkness. Not quite since a small slice of light in between the curtains shined through, but at least it wasn’t blaring and blinding right at my eyes. I called Jaehyun, agreeing that he’d pick me up to get breakfast before we got into work. I was simply getting ready, half an hour passing by when the doorbell rang. I raised a brow in question. “What’s Jaehyun doing here?” I asked to myself, looking down to my phone to see the text messages he sent. He shouldn’t be here for another ten minutes.

I quickly tied my hair in a messy low bun and ran for the door, opening it instantly since I thought jt was the mailman. It wasn’t. Who stood in front of me would’ve made me drop to my feet, but I couldn’t. Instead, my feet were rooted to the ground. It was Mark.

He stared at me, and I stared back. He was piercing his soft gaze at me as if turning me to stone. I felt weird. One look and it felt like time hasn’t passed by at all. It was as if he’s looking right into my heart and soul through my eyes. I took this moment to eye him slowly. He had a change of hair colour, subtle but noticeable, from black to a silverish-purple type of colour. I noticed how he wore his gold round glasses, ones that I knew he’d wear every morning. His style? Hasn’t changed either. Nothing about him has changed.

“Mark?” I questioned, though I knew it was him right in front of me. My phone suddenly rang, making me jump in my spot out of shock. I huffed, looking down and realising it was Jaehyun. I froze for a moment, my eyes trailing from the screen and to Mark, who had both his hands in the pocket of his black blue jeans, standing upright. He jerked his head down to the phone. “Answer it.” Mark simply said. I gulped nervously and frantically picked up the call.

“Jaehyun um. You’re here already?” My eyes couldn’t stop flickering from the surroundings and to Mark, going back and forth, making fidgeting movements as I talked to Jaehyun. “Um actually you don’t have to pick me up. Tell Misses Lee that I’m not coming today. Something... happened.” I glanced to Mark. He still had that expressionless look on his face. Again, out of anxiety, I let out answers that sounded too vague. Of course Jaehyun had to ask, “What? Are you okay? Do you need me to go up?” To which I responded with, “No! No,no um... Something came up. Just get going.”

I instantly ended the call, dropping my hand loose and letting the grip my fingers around my phone go loose. “Explain yourself, please.” I whispered, shaking my head. “W-What are you doing here?” My voice got shaky quick the more he’s eyes darted at me, as if I was the only thing in the focus of his vision. Mark inhaled, chest puffing up. “Do you have time to go out?”

My brows knitted together, not sure of where this was going. I came up with whatever possible reason for him to ask such a question so suddenly. I bit my lower lip, smacking my lips after and shaking my head again. “Why?” Mark thinned his lips, glancing sideways and rocking his body back and forth, switching from his toes to heels, like a little kid. “Am I allowed to take you somewhere?”

I wrapped my arms around my body, my head tilting back down to my feet. I thought long and hard, should I go or should I not? What would happen if I do? What if I don’t? Would I abandon all the hardwork I’ve tried to get over him, only to have it crumble down with his presence and the day I’ll be spending with him if I agreed? Or will I regret again and have it add on to my already huge mountain pile of guilt?

Such questions wrapped around my mind, getting itself comfortable as if telling me, “Looks like we’ll be here for awhile.” I shook my head vigorously as if clearing slate. “You good?” Mark questioned in a gentle voice. I snapped my head up so hard I probably gave myself whiplash. Mind still foggy from the many thoughts, I simply replied. “Let’s go.” without a second to think it over.

“No going back.” The same thing I told myself when I came into the band room to finish it off with Mark. Now, I watched as Mark flashed his smile. Though it was the same smile that always made me flash a smile back, this time it sent another unknown feeling, a bad one. I was now craving for the feeling I’d get when I saw his smile. I didn’t like that something else was settling on my heart while I looked at his lips curving upwards, lips becoming thin.

Mark swirled around and walked, his leaned posture and relaxed shoulders almost made him look like he sauntered down the hallway. I watched his back, he still had much style with his graphic tee. He looked as flawless no matter what angle. His head turned, for a brief second he glanced at me over his shoulder as he lifted his glasses up the bridge of his nose easily and turned his head back to the front. I mentally let out a disappointing groan to myself. “Why...”

We got out of my building, the journey silent as ever, though there wasn’t a hint of awkwardness as I simply followed behind him. I saw his motorbike parked right at the entrance. My eyes flickered from the bike and to Mark, who was already taking out a helmet from the back. He handed it to me with a slight lift.

I took a moment to look at it. A small frown forming on my face. My sight went down to our small signatures engraved at the side, my name and his in a calligraphy font with a heart next to it. I gulped, biting my lip as the more I stared at it. The more it took me back to my memories. “I got you that when I first got my motorbike.” Mark whispered. He probably noticed how I was staring into blank space at it. I cleared my throat. “Yeah.” was the only thing I could let out, quickly wearing it on and waiting for Mark to get on before I did.

The engine started and I thought we were about to go. But we didn’t. Mark turned his head around, his helmet shield lifted up so that I could see his face. “You aren’t holding on?” Mark asked with a raise of his brows. I let out a soft “Um...” It wasnt because I didn’t know where to place them. It was the fact that I was too afraid to do so. Mark still had his eyes on me. I glanced back for a moment before ever so slowly wrapping my arms around his waist, interlocking my fingers together to make sure I was secured.

Mark simply chuckled lightly, a tone I wouldn’t expect from a situation that should have felt awkward, but it felt all to familiar. Mark faced front again and I was finally able to breathe normally after suffocating myself with his stares that have done so many things to me. Then and now. I didn’t know where he was taking me. Though I was clueless, I only had Mark to trust. And after awhile, the streets began to look familiar. The buildings and the place came into view, and I knew instantly where we were going.

“Why would you take me here?” It felt like a repeat, one mere scene from the past of our many adventures. This one however, held a little more significance than the rest. “Do you want to spend the day here?” I turned to Mark, who was already looking at me. I blinked my eyes rapidly, breathing out a quick chuckle. “You brought me here so how am I suppose to answer that. And you didn’t answer me first.” I breathed in, taking in the sight before us.

The large patch of grass spreaded out, the trees that surrounded it had its leaves and branches sway in the calm wind of the day. It gave a clear view of the sky, a mix of white and blue, the air that blowed on me like a light kiss. As expected, there wasn’t anyone here. It was just us, us and the world. No one ever came here, and so it became our own place. A place we owned all to ourselves.

“What are we going to do? It’s already lunch too...” I whispered, glancing down at my phone to check the time. I began to wonder what Jaehyun was doing, how he was coping with the fact that I suddenly ditched work today and have him work alone for the first time. “You know the drill, don’t you?” I retrieved my eyes back from the scenery and to him. I gukped hard. “Of course I do.” I turned around sharply and walked forward to the small café beside the area that housed the best desserts any place could offer.

“Oh, Mark Lee!” The old woman shouted with glee when she shot her head up at the sound of the bell ringing above the door, and upon seeing Mark in her view, her face instantly lit up with a smile, the wrinkles around her eyes showing as they formed a thin line. She didn’t hesitate to get out from behind the counter to give Mark a big warm hug like you’d give to your grandson, chuckling happily as she did so.

“How many years has it been?!” She finally released Mark out of her embrace when he kept hitting her back in a signal that she was suffocating him. Mark laughed at her excitement. “Mm two years, I think?” I knew he was just guessing and letting out a random number. “I see you’re back too, dear.” She turned her attention to me, which got me out of my observant nature to quickly flash a polite smile. “Good afternoon, Misses Jae.”

Misses Jae, the old woman who had been working at the café ever since Mark and I began coming here. She has yet to retire after all these years. And if anyone would have seen Mark and I’s relationship grow, it was her. She had always been at the sidelines, obviously spying on us and we pretended we never knew. She never caught on to us knowing about her watchful eyes either. We did stop coming a few years back when Mark began getting busy with his band career. Having her still be here felt like a breath of freah air.

“Would you like the original, loves?” She questioned bubbly, skipping to the back of the counter as she began to whip up our order that we haven’t exactly asked for. Mark and I turned our heads to each other in unison, exchanging a soft smile as the two of us had the same thought of Misses Jae. “How do you still remember what we ate? Aren’t you old already?” Mark asked, the joking tone flowed with his words followed by a giggle.

I mentally frowned, watching Mark and Misses Jae conversed. They were radiating nothing but brightness and purity, like two angels having their daily old chatters. How could things not change? It was only their age, but their personality never did. No matter how long, I’d still think they could have this kind of conversation. I brought myself back to reality from Mark appeared in front of me with the picnic basket. “Let’s go?” He questioned. I downshifted my head in response and walked away, turning back to wave a hand at Misses Jae as she cheefully bid us goodbye as well.

“Are we getting ice cream after this?” I questioned. Mark looked down to me, almost having a look of amusement plastered on his face. My eyebrows formed a V at his weird reaction. “What?” I faked my exasperation through my tone. Mark shook his head while it tilted down, cracking a soft smile. I let time froze for a moment. That simple gesture of his, anyone could do it. But his had always been natural, natural yet perfect in its state. Time went back to normal, not allowing me to sink in his looks any further. “Nothing.” Mark simply said, the walk back to the field was quiet and peaceful.

As the day went by and we ate our lunch, everything felt normal. Everything was neutral, like we were just having a regular date out. Like no strings between us have been pulled. Mark was able to keep up a conversation. And though there were pockets of silence, I was able to tolerate it. And now, as we leaned back with one hand supporting our bodies while the other held our ice cream cones, we stared off into the sky as we watch it slowly turn into pink and the burning orange sun started to brush the horizon.

“You have yet to answer why you took me here.” I reminded Mark yet again. I turned my attention to Mark. His dewy skin was covered with the shade of orange reflected from the sky. His silver-purple hair capturing all the light, like it was all shining on him, circling him like he was the only thing worthy in this world. He looked effortlessly breathtaking, his side profile being my focus while he had his eyes on the sunset.

“I have a request.” Mark breathed out, he still had his eyes on the sky that was now slowly turning into a shade of violet. “Request...?” I echoed back, letting my skepticism shine through my words. Mark glanced down, ruffling his head with his hand while taking a bite of the ice cream cone at the same time. A moment went by when he was chewing. And when he swallowed and was ready to talk again, he said, “I offer you three days. Three stops.” “For what?”

“For you to make a decision on whether you want us to start over.”

My mouth couldn’t help itself but hang open ever so slightly. Blinking twice, I took in his words, wondering, “What is he even on about?” When it came to things like these, anything that needed me to not know what was going on, Mark’s creativity knew no limits and zero boundaries. Who knows what was running through his pretty mind? “This being the first stop.”

“Are you taking me on some kind of journey?” I carelessly let out without giving much thought. To my surprise however, Mark nodded his head firmly, his head slowlh tilting down to meet my gaze. “It’s a journey back in time, a journey down our memory lane. Feelings you thought were long gone, we can go search for it again.” His whisper got lower, softened with each word as sincerity was imbued nicely in between.

At that moment, I felt an electric shock being sent throughout my whole body. And it was all Mark’s doing. From his looks, to his stare, whatever he did today. I didn’t take me long to realise that I was feeling new, like we were just getting started. When he went away for that night and we parted ways, I went empty too, like all of me just flooded out and disappeared.

Mark texted to free up my weekends, which meant that I’d still have to go for work. With the day before still vividly etched into my mind, I came to the bookstore unfocused and in a daze, absentmindedly bringing myself back to that day and having the sudden urge to replay it over and over. Of course my weird behaviour has yet again struck Jaehyun’s instincts of suspicion.

“Why didn’t you go to work yesterday?” Jaehyun asked, wanting to sound casual but I could hear his interrogation tone underneath and ready to come out after I answered. I took in a deep breath, lips thinned. “I went out... with my boyfriend.” My answer caused Jaehyun to lean back a little almost in shock, but he kept his cool regardless. “Wait. The one you broke up with?” He closed his eyes for a moment as if recalling the day when I told him about my situation. I nodded in response.

There was silence for a moment, but I quickly spoke with a, “Hey, what would you do if someone gave you three days to fall in love with them?” Jaehyun arched an eyebrow in question, glancing sideways. “I’m assuming that this is related to what happened yesterday?” I burst out a loud sigh, covering my eyes with a palm for a moment. “How are you so-”

“I know how to read people.” I clicked my tongue. “Right.”

“So what exactly did he tell you?” Jaehyun questioned me again. I puckered my lips, trying to see if I could remember Mark’s exact words. Failing to do so, I simply replied with the gist. “He’s giving me three days. We’ll go to three places. He wants to know if I’d agree to starting over our relationship after the three days.” I was looking down at my thumbs, trying to scrap off the hang nails while I talked in a whispered tone. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

I looked up to Jaehyun, dumbfounded as I got side tracked in my thinking, remembering about my day with Mark once again. Jaehyun let out a disappointed sigh. “Can’t you see, _____. He’s practically a hopeless romantic who’s trying so hard to win you over. I feel bad for that guy.” Jaehyun suddenly leaned forward against the counter, shoulders raising up to his ears while he did so. “Wait what’s his name though? I can’t be calling him ‘that guy’ all the time.”

“I thought you knew? It’s Mark Lee.” I stated monotonously. Jaehyun moved back with shock, mouth agape and eyes so wide that it could fall out of their eye sockets. “Wait! Mark Lee the guitarist from Dream?!” Jaehyun gasped exaggeratedly, both hands having to close his loose jaw shut. “Did you not remember me taking you to one of his performances?” I asked, dumbfounded at how he could forget such a memory. “You just said you knew Mark! I didn’t know you dated him!” My mouth absently formed an ‘O’ as I remembered that I did, laughing shortly after and shaking my head, muttering a, “Sorry about that.” under my breath.

“Okay back on topic.” Jaehyun began, his voice instantly switched fast back to his low, serious tone. “I mean the obvious answer is to take him back. But I’m not the one in a relationship here. So whether you do fall for him again or not within the three days, just make sure you two ended this on a good note. Not whatever you did that day.” Jaehyun rolled his eyes with his last comment. “Did you think I didn’t thought of a way to end it nicely? I tried to but it came out sounding more harsh then it needed to be. But I felt like ot was better to be straight up at that point of time.” I retorted, my voice forged by a shard of broken glass as I feigned exasperation.

“Can’t I at least have a clue of where you’re taking me?” I frowned while Mark was taking out my helmet from the back. He turned around sharply on his heels, passing me the helmet with a faint smirk that disappeared in a blink of an eye and covered with an innocent smile. “I’m not your kidnapper. All the more you should trust me. Didn’t I say we’re trying to find your lost feelings?” Mark expertly put his helmet on without any adjustments needed. “I’m your guide here.” He hopped on, the engine roaring when he started the motorbike and I got on.

The ride to the unknown location was long. I didn’t time it but it did felt long. I had my eyes halfway closed, begging to shut them fully to be put to rest as the wind blew harshly against my skin, the fast speed making the wind cold as ice which felt like air conditioning and made it the perfect condition to sleep. Too bad I couldn’t and even when I did, my head moved left and right as it hanged loose.

We finally came to an abrupt stop. My eyes were still closed at that period of time. But by the sound of bustling and busyness ringing through my ears, it didn’t take me long to have a few guesses formed in my head before I fluttered my eyes open to confirm them. “This place...” I whispered under my breath. Mark heard me and hummed as I went off and strapped my helmet off. I held the helmet in my hands while I looked from the crowdedness to the where the huge sign stood tall and above the entrance of the gates.

“We haven’t visited here in a long time, haven’t we?” I felt Mark’s presence beside me. I quickly glanced at him before directing my eyes back to the sign. “I’m surprised it’s still busy. It used to only be this crowded during the holidays.” I couldn’t help but crack a smile absently, too amazed by the sight as nostalgia washed over me. I handed Mark my helmet, eyes never leaving the place. I watched as Mark walked in front of me and I instantly followed.

What continued after that was simply a whole day of fun and joy. Endless games, prizes won. Though it had mostly been Mark winning the prizes at first, I was soon able to step up and win some too close to the end of the day. We got on rides, ate from food trucks, the plainest of desserts suddenly tasting a whole lot brighter as we simply went around and visiting everh corner of the amusement park. It was nothing but pure bliss, nothing could distract our time here at all.

“I’m not satisfied with this!” I whined, still upset at how Mark upstaged me in over half the games we played. I realised my competitive side became prominent when I played, and also the fact that I might have been competitive only with Mark. Mark folded his arms confidently, his body turning left and right while he threw his leg forward with each step on the way back to our ride. The prizes were small, but the biggest one he earned was an adorable cat plush toy which he hugged like it was his prize possession.

“You used to be better at this than I was. I remembered how you always taunted me and rubbed it in my face while I sulked.” Mark and I chuckled in unison, the memories of it being played in our minds at the same time. We were now leaning against his motorbike, a long silence passing by that felt like a cozy blanket over us, comfortable and serene. The sun was just about to finish setting to welcome the night, and in probably a few minutes time the light on the huge sign would flicker and illuminate the entire front of the entrance.

“You took me here that one time I got a stuffed toy from my friend and thought I liked going to amusement parks.” I couldn’t help but giggle, my mind teleporting me to that exact day when it happened. It replayed itself, and emotions came barreling now in full force. “How did you make such an assumption?” I turned to him, brow raised in a weirded out manner. Mark placed a free hand on his chest and feigned shock.

“It looked like a stuff toy from an amusement park and you kept talking about it in class! I just apparently made that connection...” Mark cutely whispered the ending, which I responded with a frown, surprised at how much I was swooning over his little act.

It took me awhile to notice, having my focus on Mark and the amusement park, that the sunset had always been pretty whenever I was with Mark. At the first stop and now, it was never like any ordinary day. The colours were bright, fighting each other to make themselves prominently painted in the sky. It was a burst of colours, not like your average sunset on an average day. Something about it made me think that the world’s trying to tell me, “It’s really true that the best days have the best sunsets.”

“Wanna head home now?” I flicked my mindset back to reality when I heard Mark’s voice, my head shooting towards him immediately after I stared into blank space at nature’s view. “Mm details on the next location?” It had only been two days. Two stops. With each second passing by, my curiosity to know the next stop had always been growing. It’s as if I was slowly picking up bits and pieces of my feelings through these times, and I was somehow eager to pick up more as it went on.

“The next location.” Mark echoed to himself in a whisper, slowly nodding his head while the rubbed his chin and seemed to be faking that he was deep in thought. “I want you to call me when you’re feeling sleepless. A rought night, one where you simply can’t sleep and wished that time will pass by till morning without having you be a tired mess.” Mark said it in this poetic tone, which flowed soothingly as I listened.

“Why do I already know what you’re going to do?” I asked, a slight smirk creeping up my face while a devious soft chuckle. Mark frowned, eyes narrowed at me while he shook his head. “You aren’t making it fun. At least pretend you don’t know if you guessed it right!” I was trying my hardest not to melt into the floor at the sight of Mark being a cutie. I was suddenly having a hard exterior, one that was playing hard to get but for what reason? That I didn’t know.

Mark took me home, silence throughout with only our expression and hums to communicate. I could clearly tell Mark was tired from today, and I was too, quickly taking a shower and getting ready for bed just so I could fall into it and doze off. But right before I did, my eyes caught its focus on the stuffed bear I won that was sitting on my study table. My hand absently reached out for it. I turned my body sideways and have the bear mirroring me.

It was all so reminiscent. How it was as if I relived that day years ago, which only resulted in a full chain of memories with correspondence to it. It’s like I was in a dark room, nothing but darkness to eat me up alive till Mark showed me a string, one that was slowly taking me somewhere, the destination being sure to be far better than this empty void of my heart, where I didn’t know if I actually did fell out of love with Mark, but simply needed that bit of push which Mark was doing horrifyingly well.

For some reason, Mark and I didn’t contact each other after that day. Days turned into weeks, and as time flash by like a blur, I was already waking up to be greeted with the Christmas spirit that bustled my town just in time to welcome the holidays. Though the snow has yet to come, the town had already begun hanging up decorations and lights hanging from one telephone pole to another. Though the town had greeted me with a lively atmosphere, I however wasn’t in the Christmas spirit.

Without reason, my days have slowly been feeling duller each time I awake from my sleep. Life was boring, casual. I didn’t have anything to look forward to. Eventually my mood had dropped as well. And I always felt the need to put on a smile just so Jaehyun wouldn’t suspect anything. But with him being out of the country for the holidays, I was left to handle the bookstore myself.

I was sitting at the counter, elbow resting on top of the hard wood while I allowed my chin to rest on it uncomfortably while I had my gaze down on my book, mindlessly scanning through the words. I wasn’t feeling that surge to continue reading, I didn’t bother what was going to happen next. My love for reading was suddenly fading, just a little yet still impactful enough to make my days gray. I’d usually be engrossed in a book, flipping hundreds of pages in one sitting when I had the free time.

I closed the book and turned to the back of the book, reading its synopsis. It sounded like a book I’d be interested in while I read the synopsis in my mind. I began to wonder if it was me that was having the colours of me being sucked out by the boredom of life. The book had nothing to do with this. I was simply too drained that I was carrying around a lifeless body everyday. I lifted my eyes up on my book and adverted my attention to the books on the shelves. Nothing stood out to me.

I let out a quiet sigh of frustration, now realising that the red hazed sky turned into vivid black ink after the sun had set, I figured if was a good time to lock up and head home. Misses Lee had never really specified a time for us to close the store, but at this point I could care less. I went straight back home, walking on the pathways as the colour from the lights reflected itself on the stone ground. The lights were bright and eventful, yet I felt none of it on my way back. Nothing was making my heart skip a beat, sending thrill and excitement.

I grabbed a glass of water and brought it straight to my room, carelessly sitting on the edge of my bed. I stared into blank space for a long while, taking occasional sips while I did. Absentmindedly, my eyes slowly went to my study table where my laptop was. And sitting right beside it was the stuffed toy. It was always been in my sight whenever I was in the room, but it was only now that I took in its presence. My thoughts went to Mark, the object of focus being linked to him. My eyes then went to my phone that was sitting at my side.

“Should I...” I whispered to myself. A frown formed on my face. How was Mark doing all this time we weren’t in contact? Has he been well off following the rules of his plan, only having to come to me when I called when he perhaps wanted to rush over and appear at my house like he always used to? “But what if he had forgotten?” I couldn’t let negatives thoughts to be shut out. They were always there, creeping around in the shadows on my mind. It always had to make me think of the worst possible outcomes.

Call me when you can’t sleep, a night when you just want it to pass by quickly. That was one of those nights. I refained myself from thinking twice and picked up my phone.

Mark strummed on the final note of the song, everyone’s instruments settling down as well. Jeno, being in charge of the bass guitar and having to stand next to Mark, immediately went up to him to give him a celebratory pat on the shoulder. “That sounded awesome guys!” Chenle shouted, punching his fists in the air with his drumsticks in hand.

Everyone exhanged faithful looks, including Mark as he looked down at his guitar, thanking it for the brilliant sound it produced though it was entirely Mark’s doing with his eyes by a soft blink. “Luckily I recorded that.” Jaemin ran up to his phone at the front, picking it up and going back to play it. All the members huddle around him, Jaemin instantly blasting his phone on full volume.

Smiles and sighs of satisfaction circled around, finally clapping when the video stopped. “We’re so ready for the Christmas performance!” Jisung said excitedly, bouncing on the toes of his feet. Mark suddenly had his mind filled, filled of her. He didn’t know how, she simply happened to pop in out of thr blue. The laughter and conversation the group was having blurred into the background, his thoughts coming into focus.

“Um guys?” Mark suddenly called out warily. Instant silence and focus was all on Mark, raised brows of curiosity being common in all their faces. “Can we perhaps change the venue?” Mark’s question got everyone to not respond for a beat, still processing his words and truthfully, not sure of what to say.

“I mean we still have time to change it without upsetting our fans.” Chenle said with a shrug. Soft hums came out. It settled down once Jeno made a follow up question. “Where though?” Mark responded immediately by saying her town, specifically the big lawn of grass with a small stage that was used for outdoor performances. For some reason it wasn’t in use anymore.

“You want to perform for her.” Haechan was the quickest one to let out the obvious assumption made by everyone, which resulted in devilish smirks and giggles. “You guys are okay with that, right?” Mark wanted to confirm in an unsteady tone. Everyone nodded their heads firmly with much reassurance.

“How are we not okay? We’ve been helping you out this whole time.”

I tried calling Mark. And after my fifth try, I gave up. I didn’t know what he was up to. And I felt that I wasn’t in the right place to get mad about it, but for some reason I was. He had a life to live. Perhaps he’s been busy with his band, which is entirely understandable. I was feeling pretty bored after work, deciding that I should be out of my home for once even if it was for an hour to take in the cold atmospheric air.

Wearing a thick coat, I shoved my hands into my pockets, taking small steps as my body tried to fend the cold. It wasn’t too cold that I wanted to freeze myself to death, but jt was enough to sting my exposed skin ever so lightly. As I walked down the pavement, the scraping of my boots against the cement and only my breathing to be heard, I began to notice how unusually quiet the town was. Lights were on and decorations were still hung, but there weren’t anyone to bring the holiday atmosphere come to life like any other day. Today was too quiet.

I continued to walk, slow strides and letting the sounds nature fill the silence. However, the further I walked down, the more I noticed a soft sound in the distance. It was muffled due its far distance from where I was at. But it sounded as if a concert was going on. Absently, I began to pick up my pace, simply curious if that is where all the people of the town werre at.

It was this moment I realised that looking down from my feet and lifting my eyes up, that I was indeed at a performance. Lots of shouting, cheers and jumping. Everyone was having a great time. It was held at the huge lawn of grass with one stage at the very back. I never heard of performances being held here, nor have I seem one when I moved here. The stage from my view was small, and all I could see were seven people performing a song on stage.

I was simply standing outside, listening to the music without giving much thought of who was playing since I was too lazy to get closer for a better view. I knew the song was coming to an end, which made me paint a frown on my face, hopefully they’d be playing more. It would certainly be more entertaining than my original plan of taking a stroll.

“How’d you like that, dreamzens!” The familiar voice spoke into the mic, shouting proudly. I shot my head up so fast I would have given myself a whiplash. My eyes darted to the stage, this time squinting my eyes to focus my vision while having to deal with the crowdedness of the area. “I hope you are all spending your holidays well.” Without a doubt, that voice came from one of Mark’s bandmates. It was as clear as day, recognising them within the fraction of a second.

“We’ll be performing one last song before leaving.” Groans filled the air of the crowd, which only made them laugh and giggle, specifically Mark’s unique laughter shining through and being the most prominent. I couldn’t recognise where Mark was. But when a person came walking up to the mic, tapping on it warily and coughing nervously, I knew right then and there that Mark was about to speak.

“This last song. It’s for a special someone. She’s probably not here to listen, but performing it here in her town specifically felt like the right thing to do.” Mark paused for a moment, sucking the air into his lungs and exhaling through the mic. “I love her, so much. I felt like I’ve been giving my best, but my best wasn’t her interpretation of her best. I realised that I’ve never actually been open to her. We never fought, strangely enough. We weren’t normal. I never shared to her about my hardships, simply putting on a smile and trying to be perfect person for her.”

Mark gulped, glancing away before proceeding to make eye contact with the audience. “And after what happened, I finally knew that being perfect, isn’t what makes you the most lovable and ideal person in someone’s eyes. Perfection was what drove her away. And in an attempt to get her back, I wrote this song. It’s a waste that she won’t be hearing it. She’s probably at home reading.” Mark chuckle weakly, rubbing his eye with one hand. “But I hope you all understand what I mean by that through this song. Be imperfectly perfect.”

The song began, and I already felt my heart getting heavy, full of unrecognisable and familiar emotions, clumping all into my heart and putting its weight down on me. It was a slow start, one that usually comes with a sad song. The crowd became quiet and respectful. “Even if I was hurt I never showed it. I’m so scared of seeing the end.” Mark’s soft and gentle voice settled in me as well, it made me held my breath for a moment and exhaling to grasp for air when I realised my breathing stopped. It’s his voice that always made the hairs on my arms and the back of my neck stand up straight and stiff.

“You saw the emptiness in my eyes, yet I never had the courage to show them to you.” The song was picking up its pace, coming to the chorus. I wanted to shout, show him I was here, wanting him to know that he didn’t have to imagine that I was here while performing, that he didn’t need to perform with just an image of me. But I couldn’t. The song was hitting me so hard in the chest that I wouldn’t even be able to utter a single word. “In a world where perfection was expected, you are one that made me imperfectly perfect, only in your eyes.”

The world came to a pause. From the rapid pace, slowing itself down to finally stop and freeze in time. Mark was the only one in my focus, everything else going blurry and bleeding out into nothing. I couldn’t resist the urge to hug him, wanting to reach my hand out all the way from the back. My vision became clear, and I could see Mark singing with his whole heart, with all his emotions. He told me many times performing was his way of expressing himself, and I could see that. I’ve seen that in all his performances.

I continued to listen, my tears eventually having to well itself up till I blinked down to the floor and drops of them fell to the ground, making its mark. I gulped and bit my lower lip, my vision how gone back to being blurry by the tears but I was still listening. All I needed was Mark’s voice to feel the presence of his arms around me, comforting me and letting me be free.

The moment the song ended and people were getting ready to leave after they greeted the fans, I squeezed through the crowd, being elbowed and pushed in every which way. I soldiered on and finally ended up and the back of the stage, where the whole band was huddle together in a group hug, patting their backs. I made myself known by clearing my throat. Heads shot up in my direction. Mark was in the center, head slowly tilting up and eyes widening when he saw me. He was crying, quickly wiping off his tears to make it seem like he wasn’t. But we both knew he was never quick enough.

“Mark...” Was all I could let out in a whisper and cry. The others were able to read the atmosphere after flickering their attention fron me and back to Mark, quietly going off. I slowly walked up to Mark, head tilted down. For some reason, I was too afraid to look into his eyes. I knew I’d be breaking the moment I looked into them. However, it was Mark’s hands that made its way to mine, holding them as if it was the most fragile thing in the world, caressing his thumb over my skin as if it was the smoothest thing ever.

“I didn’t know you’d come.” Mark breathed out, the two of us having our eyes on our hands that sit perfectly with each other like molds made from fate. “I guess it was fate that made us meet.” I was the first to look up, taking in his eyelashes and eyelids while he kept his gaze down. He was still running his thumb on my skin, in circles or even hovering over them. He was never intending to let go.

“Why have you never told me anything when you went through like... difficult times. Times where you needed someone to be there for you. That’s what I’m here for, aren’t I?” Mark quickly looked at me. Our eyes met and eye contact wasn’t intended to be broken either. “For one I felt bad if I were to ever bring up my problems. Like I said, or sung, I wanted to the the perfect person for you. One you need not have no worries about and someone you can depend on.”

“But that goes both ways.” “Of course it does.”

“So have you never considered that maybe I wanted you to approach me, instead of just leaving me there to fend for myself?” I began to think it over, his deep words settled in my thoughts. he was right. I thought i was being respectful by leaving him be when he kept insisting that he didnt to talk. But why didn’t i ever think that he could have wanted to be pulled out of his mess? That he kept resisting so that ill see he truly needed help. why didn’t I.. “That’s on me. I never realised. I’m dumb for not and so I’m sorry.”

A pause of silence went by, as if the two of us were recollecting our thoughs. “Mark.” I began. “I’m sorry for everything. Having you feel the need to put up a mask whenever you were with me, that night I broke up with you for you, being you. I’m sorry you felt the need to go such lengths to get me back. You didn’t need to. I just need you to be... transparent.” I couldn’t help but giggle when the sudden thought came to mind. “The adorable hopeless romantic that needs saving.”

Mark flickered his eyes from mine to other parts of my face, specifically more to my lips. He tugged on my hands, making me take a step closer to him, our chests now touching. Mark slowly brought his face close to mine, our lips brushing as he spoke and having the urge to connect them with its electricity.

“I’ll be me. And it’s fine. I went through all this in hopes that like you said that night, have the world bring us back together. I’m glad my efforts have been paid off.” Mark went closer, rubbing his nose against mine with a soft smile.

“I love you.” Mark whispered before our lips connected and sparks were sent flying. And just like in any cliché movie, the first snowfall seemed to fall right at this moment, where everything was simply imperfectly perfect.

[toriwakes]

Pretty Boy 187 [s.r x reader]

summary: reader finds out that her new found tumblr crush is none other than her coworker.

content warnings: she/her!reader, mentions of alcohol

a/n: hi!! i’m so happy to be posting again. i’m really proud of this, so i hope you all like it! as always, let me know if you have any requests!

convincing spencer to get tumblr was tough. not only did he hate technology, he didn’t like social media either.

“it’s gonna be fun! c’mon, please?” you’ve been bugging him about it for about a week. “spencer, please just download it. if i have to hear (y/n) whine again i’m gonna loose it.” said derek, plopping is papers on his desk. “you like it when i whine.” you teased, causing derek to flash you a toothy grin. “alright! jeez.” you clapped of joy and jumped to help spencer, but he stopped you. “no way, i’m not letting you follow me.” he kept his phone facing away from you, your arms dropping to your sides in defeat. “fine. i’ll find your account somehow.” “we’ll see about that.”

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over the next few weeks you acquired a few new followers, only one catching your eye. ‘prettyboy187’ followed you on a quiet friday afternoon. the username caught your attention at first, but when you checked is profile? that’s when you were hooked. half of his pictures were just aesthetically pleasing: outside of his window, his extreme sugary coffee, some books. but others...

it was an excerpt of a poem and his hand was holding back the pages. you doubt he meant to capture it so beautifully. just his hand was godly. you wasted no time dming him.

hey :)

how desperate did you look right now? he followed you barley an hour ago. you cant stop staring at that picture.

hello

he didn’t sound happy. well, he didn’t “sound” anything, you guys were texting. but you could feel his tone through the screen. where you overthinking this too much? you shuffled into your bed, wrapping yourself in the covers as you pondered what to say next.

i just wanted to tell you i really like your account. are you a photographer or something?

no, i’m not. my friend convinced me to get this app and i noticed people post aesthetically pleasing photos on here, so i’m just doing the same haha.

ok, well you don’t post nice pictures. at least, not that type. maybe you’d post a picture of the snow or your bed, but every now and then you’d bless the feed with a picture of you in a swimsuit. it was more for opinions on the suit than anything else.

ohh. maybe i should start doing that.

how do you mean?

oh.

that sounded like a very judge-y ‘oh’. your eyes scanned your own profile to see what he could’ve hated. there was you in your favorite red swimsuit, a picture of your computer with netflix on the screen. the rest of the posts were of the same type, so you couldn’t pinpoint what the problem was.

what is it?

no, nothing. your recent picture. that’s a nice swim suit.

oh. that’s what he meant. you practically threw your phone across the room and squealed. thank the universe that he didn’t dislike you already. you shot him another text. just like that, you had your first ever tumblr crush.

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“what’s up with you pretty girl?” derek asked when you walked into work. you supposed you still had the blush on your face when pretty boy wished you a good morning and day at work. “nothing!” you said, obviously it being something. as if on cue, spencer walked in behind you also giddy. “what, you’re both sweet on someone now?” when neither of you responded, derek laughed. “what?” emily inquired, taking her seat. “spencer and (y/n) both have a crush.” emily’s jaw dropped. “spencer has a crush?” everyone broke into laughter, jj overhearing and almost dropping her files. “why is that so surprising?” spencer defended himself, derek giving him a ‘you know the answer to that’ look. “well?what’re their names?” he pushed. you bit your tongue. you didn’t even know his name. yikes. “let’s start.” aaron called. saved by hotch. thank goodness. “this ain’t over.” derek warned the two of you. yes it was. by the end of the day morgan would’ve forgotten all about this.

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you were right like always. morgan didn’t ask anymore about it, instead offering to get drinks. you turned it down, desperate to get home and text your boy. and you did, only at 11pm.

hey, sorry it’s so late. had a long day at work.

no worries, so did i. listen, i have a question.

this boy only sent messages that would make your heart drop. with a pacing heart, you texted back.

yes?

his ‘online’ button flashes on. then he was typing. then he was deleting. it seemed like hours before he responded.

what’s your name?

godamnit. you didnt have a display name because you didn’t want anyone you knew finding your account. what’s a fake name you can use? maybe...

lila.

why did you pick spencer’s ex’s name? you don’t know. you remember being insanely jealous of her because she got to kiss spencer in the pool while you were posted outside. your crush on spencer was still very much alive, but not as much as it was with pretty boy.

that’s a pretty name.

thanks. now you have to tell me yours ;)

you’ve never been so nervous for a text conversation in your life. for some reason, the back of your head wondered what it would be like if you were texting spencer. it was just a thought, though. spencer would never say half of this stuff.

call me morgan.

oh NO. please no... you stalked his profile again, terrified that you’ve been flirting with your coworker this past month. alas, your eye caught another body picture- this time of his arm. no tattoos like derek. not to mention he was much smaller. not that that’s a bad thing. you don’t think you’d ever be able to handle derek...

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you arrived at work yet again with a blushing face. “come on, you can’t keep hiding this from me! tell me something at least!” derek whined. “okay! his name is morgan. and i know what you’re thinking, and no, it’s not you, my boy is much more attractive.” derek’s mouth formed into an ‘O’ shape in fake offense. “that’s damn near impossible. ain’t nobody prettier than derek morgan.” spencer walked in now, again with a dorky smile on his face. “spencer. (y/n)’s got a crush on-“ you jumped to cover his mouth, the sound of your crush’s name muffled. “what- hey! no fair! derek gets to know but i cant?” spencer whined. derek held his hands up and sat back down, not wanting to get you mad. smart. “three can’t keep a secret.” was all you said before sitting down to clean your workspace.

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the new highlight of your day was texting morgan. you learned several things about him; he has a job he can’t specify for personal reasons, he really wants a dog but he feels like animals hate him. you told him about your cat joel, and how they could absolutely love him. he appreciated that.

if i tell you something, do you promise not to freak out?

depends. are you about to tell me you’re a serial killer?

no!

you giggled to yourself at your humor.

i wanna meet you.

you promised not to freak out, but you were freaking out. it was just now setting in that you didn’t know this man at all. where he lived, how old he was, even what he looked like. you took a few deep breaths and asked a question.

where do you live?

quantico virginia.

no hesitation on that one. he lived in the same town as you? you didn’t know how you’d be able to turn this down...

shit, me too. let’s meet up then.

i’ll send you a good place to get drinks.

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“every time you walk in here, you’re blushing. now so are your ears.” you beamed at derek, sitting at your desk before spilling. “i’m gonna meet him.” “wait what? are you sure that’s safe?” you rolled your eyes. “i’m an fbi agent. i’m not scared of a little danger.” you playfully winked and derek blew out a huff of air. “if anything happens, you know you can call me.” you pouted at your friend and nodded, appreciating his concern. spencer was spinning in his seat. “you happy too?” you asked. he only nodded and didn’t elaborate. you we’re going to press on, but hotch called you all in and you lost your chance.

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on rare occasions, the bau got tough cases with very happy endings. this was one of those cases. the plane ride home was extremely joyous and derek offered to get drinks again. this time, everyone accepted (all except hotch). you texted morgan telling him you were going out tonight and you wouldn’t be back till late. you laughed to yourself. it was like he was your boyfriend.

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the night was young and you were fairly tipsy. ok that’s generous, you were drunk. you were spending most of your time with penelope and it took you a minute to remember spencer. “ohmygosh! spence!” he was startled at your presence but he gave you that flat mouthed smile of his. “how are you! you’re my favorite scorpio.” you nodded as you said it, as if trying to convince him it was true. “thanks? i’m good. you’re drunk.” he pointed out. “no shit. hey!!! you never showed me your tumblr user! you gotta show me that girl you like, bet you she’s really sexy.” you didn’t even know what you were saying at this point, whipping out your phone and snapping a picture with spencer. “what are you doing?” he asked, watching you type. “posting this on tumblr! i want everyone to know you’re my favorite in the world.” he wanted to ask favorite what, but a ping on his phone distracted him. lila posted. he smiled and checked her page.

holy fuck.

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“(y/n)?” he asked, not looking away from his phone. “yess?” you responded. “what’s your tumblr?” what is your tumblr? “uhhh..i don’t know, check.” you tossed him your open phone, and his eyes only grew wider. “you’re lila?” the words rang through your ears like a siren. “what?” the word was breathy, you couldn’t add stability to what you said. spencer showed you his phone, ‘prettyboy187’ on the screen. “you’re morgan?” still no confidence in your voice whatsoever. your feelings were supposed to change, you weren’t supposed to like that morgan was spencer. but they didn’t. you didn’t even think about the fact he saw your swimsuit photos. you loved that morgan was spencer, and you still wanted to see him on the weekend. “are you mad?” you asked, not being able to stop yourself from sipping from your glass. “no. should i be?” you smiled. “no. do you still wanna meet up this weekend?” “yes. but i don’t wanna get drinks.” he wasn’t even drinking, why is he complaining. “where should we go then?” “my house.”