Feeling very insane about the fact that, in a way, being a bad Sharran is what saves Shadowheart in the end
Because like. She's not supposed to be bad at keeping secrets. She's not supposed to be vulnerable, kind, or hopeful. She's not supposed to get attached to anything or anyone
Yet, it's these things that allow her to get close to the pc and the group as a whole. The more she fails to keep Shar's secrets the more she opens up to you, and the more she opens up to you the more you have the chance to build a relationship with her, and it's through having that relationship that she finds the courage to defy Shar
If she had been a better Sharran she never would have built that bond at all, she wouldn't have felt safe to make the decision she did, and probably no one would have trusted her enough to let her decide to begin with
Shadowheart is saved because she is loved, and Shadowheart is loved because she cannot stop being herself no matter how hard she tries
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This is a story followers from Twitter and BSky know, but since I'm getting into Tumblr, I figured I'd share.
I'm very much in love with my best friend from college. He is the unrequited love of my life. I refer to him as The One I Love. And tonight I fell in love with him all over again.
In college, people thought we were dating because we were (and still are) so close. We did have class together every single day for a full semester and then class together multiple times a week for semesters after that. We'd hang out in the bio student lounge and watch TV on his laptop together. I made him a Pokeball birthday cake for his 21st birthday because he is a ridiculous nerd and loves Pokemon (no shade, I'm also a ridiculous nerd). When we had evening classes that ended at 9pm, I'd drive him home to make sure he got home safe and quickly. He made me laugh and smile and enjoy, y'know, living, which was something I didn't always enjoy in college.
We...did a lot of things that could definitely be construed as couple activities. But we were not a couple. Just very close, excellent complements of each other, with a hint of feelings on my part.
Side note: It's actually fairly entertaining to look back on because in our practical lab classes, our professors deliberately paired us up because we worked so well together (the assumption being because we were a couple).
Side note 2: He is a very attractive guy imo, and I semi-jokingly call him a ridiculously hot nerd. I'm queer and fall somewhere in ace land, so I do enjoy admiring him but there's nothing sexual about our relationship. Which I think has helped it in a good way.
He calls me every week and we talk. Like. For 2-3 hours *every week*. This has been going on for literally 2 years. Originally he started calling me to talk about shows we were watching, but now we talk about anything and everything. There's a lot of venting about grad school (we're both PhD-ing) and just...being there for each other. I love it. He listens to me ramble and he tells me stories and interesting tidbits and whatever. It's very give-and-take. Our weekly calls strengthened and cemented my feelings for him.
He knows my feelings because 2 years ago (?? how has it been that long) I wrote him a(n 8 page) love letter conveying my feelings and that led to a very awkward conversation about how feelings were not returned. I still think we use different language to describe similar things BUT ANYWAY. I respect that we don't see things the same way, much as it may hurt. That's what it means to love someone, respecting their feelings and experiences and personhood.
Side note 3: I have this secret fantasy about what our future could look like and I'm not going to let it go until there's no hope at all. He is one of the most important people in my world, and I truly only want the best for him. His health and happiness is tantamount to nothing, and whatever role I play in that, so be it. If he found another person who brought him even a fraction of the feelings he brings me, I'd officiate the wedding myself. What matters more than anything else is that I have my closest friend in my life and we remain close. Whatever it takes...
What's amazing(?) is that our relationship...it's gotten even stronger since then. That conversation was...A Lot...but I think it made whatever we have even stronger. It definitely didn't get worse.
I look forward to to our calls. They're part of my routine, I deliberately set aside this time on Thursday nights for him. I do not allow things to be scheduled for Thursday nights. Thursday nights are for The One I Love and no one else.
When we're talking to each other...I feel connected to another person. The world exists outside of my day-to-day bubble. I feel like...when I talk to him, I feel like there's a person who cares about what happens to me.
One night a couple of years ago I told him about my mental health struggles. It was something I don't think he fully recognised I was dealing with in college. But I was really struggling and having a hard time and I just couldn't pretend everything was okay on the phone. So I asked him if I could tell him, he said yes, so I told him everything. And it was really hard for me to do that, there was a lot of starting and stopping and stuttering (I stutter a lot anyway, this was worse). And at the end of it all, I told him that I knew what I just said was a lot and I understood if he needed some space or didn't want to talk for a while or whatever, because that's how people reacted in the past. There have been people who've decided to stop being friends with me because this is too much, and I understood if he felt that way because it's a lot. I wouldn't hold it against him.
And he just said "I'm still here." He said he wasn't going anywhere. And he hasn't.
More than once I've made self-deprecating jokes because how else does one deal with their terrible mental health and he reminds me that he cares. He has confidence in me when I don't. Once I texted him on a Friday night and told him to tell me something good that happened to him that day because I was having a really tough night and needed to hear something positive was happening in the world. He responded by calling me and being there for me.
We trust each other with things that no one else knows. It means the world to me that he'll tell me things that he won't tell anyone else, and I will take his secrets to the grave. Trust is...complicated for me. But I trust him. He won't hurt me. It's something I've had to really come to terms with, here is someone who I can be vulnerable around who won't hurt or manipulate me.
Last year I saw him for the first time since 2017 and it was like no time had passed at all. We spent 4 days together. I took him to see his first Broadway show, Hadestown, which was the only show he's ever been really eager to see. He took me to see SPACE at the Illuminarium because he knows how much I geek out over space, how awe-inspiring I find it. He talked me out of dropping $700 on a Flash comic, which was extremely wise. I tried and failed to cook, which he doesn't let me forget. He got me hooked on anime, which was apparently his deviously secret plan all along (which shocked me but I absolutely love it). I "made" him split half a gallon of Blue Bell ice cream with me because I hadn't had it in years (it took 0 effort, the man has no control when it comes to sweets and I tease him about it constantly). We helped his friend move. We sat on the couch on our laptops silently enjoying each other's presence.
It was truly the best long weekend I've had in who-knows-how-long. If the rest of my life looked like that weekend, I think I would be happy. Genuinely wonderfully happy and enjoying life.
The day I had to leave, I completely lost it. He gave me a goodbye hug and I completely broke down on his shoulder because I'd just had the best weekend in living memory and was going back to my quickly-approaching preliminary exam and having issues with my advisors. He knew all of this. I sobbed on his shoulder, and he held onto me. He didn't let go until he knew I stopped crying and was safe to drive. (I cried on and off the entire 7 hours drive)
I have pictures of us from this trip on my desk in lab, and they always make me smile, they have so much positivity associated with them. They also made it onto my Christmas card.
I'm going to see him again next month when I run the marathon in his city. We have a growing list of things to do which is entirely dessert places he wants to take me to, because we both love dessert and sweets. Tonight we were talking about when I might come down. I told him it's completely up to him because he has to put up with me and my bullshit. The race is on a Sunday, so I'd come down as early as the Tuesday before.
He doesn't know his schedule yet because science and experiment timing can be tricky. But he might be taking Wednesday off. He said he already plans on spending all day Thursday with me.
Tonight I fell in love all over again.
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