#one of my favorite finds of the past 365 days

[toribookworm22]

It's that time of the year!

Spotify continues to lead with my Sugar Plum Playlist and its plethora of Taylor Swift and One Direction. (I mean, it's not wrong. And The Lumineers snuck into 2nd.)

But! Now for Amazon Music!

This year, my brother started using our account for looping as well, so it was both a battle and a giant joke for who won:

1. Alone Together by Del Water Gap

2. life's been boring by RYMAN LEON

3. Howling by Noah Kahan

4. Call Your Mom by Noah Kahan

5. Charlie by Mallrat

6. Roses by The Chainsmokers

7. Cherry by Harry Styles

8. Just Fucking Let Me Love You by Lowen

-- 9. My brother's My Love Mine All Mine--

10. Stick Season by Noah Kahan

Bonus: 11. Jersey Giant by Elle King

My total came up to 35/50, even not counting our overlap songs that he has now claimed. 🙃

[p1nk-matter]

shiggy fluff cause he deserves all the love // inspired by @aslutforfictionalmen's post (here's my interpretation, i also spontaneously wrote this @/3am so his quirk may have been erased not his trauma tho)

‘’There is no reason to be wearing that.’’ You laugh as you look at him.

Tenko in a suit has to be the funniest thing you’ve ever seen. ‘’It's just a drive-in movie theater.’’ You tease and he scoffs.

‘’Yeah well I can’t win, can I? Tracksuits are too casual, I remind you of a busker, remember? And what’s wrong with that by the way, you wish you had their talent–’’

‘’Enough, we’re running late.’’ You cut him off but can’t hide your smile when he’s all annoyed lecturing you in a fucking suit.

The movie chosen was cliché, borderline comical especially when you’re accompanied by a tall man with questionable appearance. How you even convinced him to join you is beyond comprehension, most likely because you promised him to play Nintendo Switch, his latest obsession. You’d play with him regardless, a man with a childhood lost, robbed from things you experienced firsthand at a younger age but Tenko couldn’t really see it. You on the other hand recognized it, and through small acts (annoying as such because for some inexplicable reason he always lost to you) you showed him everything he’d missed.

‘’I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you everyday for a year!’’

Ryan Gosling says as you feel a hand squeeze yours tightly, shoulders touching as the night sky glows above the projector. You turn to look at him confused, The Notebook was one of those films you’d seen a million times, failing to evoke powerful emotions after some time but it was still a very satisfying rewatch. Tenko turns his head.

‘’What’s wrong?’’ You say, anxious he might be having another panic attack. You knew how to calm him down but never the extent of it and that scared you.

‘’It’s nothing’’ He whispers, his voice is composed, you note, good.

‘’Yes... it wasn't over, it still isn't over..’’ Gosling continues.

‘’Can you believe he wrote to her all this time? This is so fucking cruel!’’ he almost shouts, as a couple of heads turn to look at him annoyed.

‘’Oh my god, are you crying over the movie right now?’’ You want to burst out laughing but the stares warn you otherwise, both your tones too loud. You can’t believe what a sucker for romance he is, he always acts all tough but ends up being hungry for love anywhere he can find it. You kind of get it, it also kind of breaks your heart.

‘’I’m so posting this.’’ You tease as he wipes his eyes clean with a tissue he had in his pocket.

‘’I swear to god if you don’t shut the fuck up.’’ His voice is shaky but his eyes are glued to the scene, anxious for what’s coming next. Will they make up? Maybe even make out, have sex? Poor him, he’s unprepared for the bittersweet end.

-

The drive back home is silent, you take it he’s still thinking about the film, contemplating its ending, unsure whether he likes it or not.

‘’Sooo.. did you like it?’’

‘’It was okay.’’ He feigns indifference and you don’t continue. You allow him to ponder before speaking up, he almost always adds something on his own.

‘’I just think it’s funny she married the other guy, you know.’’ He says.

‘’What was she supposed to do? She didn’t know about the letters, remember?’’

‘’Still, if she really loved him, she should’ve waited, should’ve been alone, grieved on her own. How could she do this?’’ He asks as you sigh.

‘’It’s just a film and people make mistakes. You never know until you tell them.’’

This time he doesn’t continue.

-

‘’So what do you want to do?’’ You ask once you’ve arrived home, it’s already past midnight but both of you are too lively for sleep.

‘’You promised Nintendo.’’ He reminds you and you sigh. Not your favorite part of the day but you silently take a seat next to him on the couch.

3 rounds of Mario Kart racing on the Nintendo Switch and Tenko is losing consecutively as he whines frustrated: ‘’Enough!’’

‘’I just don’t understand why you’re always losing.’’ You tell him, as far as you know he was unlocking the game levels with ease on his own.

‘’I don’t know, shit, you ask way too many questions today’’ he complains, ‘’I’ll go change, this suit is itching the fuck out of me’’ he continues as you get up.

He finds you scrolling on your phone, a towel wrapped around him, droplets falling from his hair, which he must’ve aggressively ruffled (in failed efforts to dry) as he literally drops his body onto yours, scaring you and making you drop your phone.

‘’Tenko, fuck agh!’’ You groan, ‘’my phone!’’

He was so annoying and on top of that soaking your shirt too.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ He smiles, he wasn’t really sorry, he missed you, he thought. Even though you were together the whole day, he still missed you. So much. He couldn’t get enough of you, any moment shared only made him more anxious for your next departure, he wished he could somehow glue you to his skin forever.

You playfully slapped his arm and he retaliated, pinching your nose as you pouted.

‘’Don’t pout.’’ He warns, ‘’I'll bite you.’’ But you don’t listen. He brings his mouth to yours as his teeth sink in your lower lip, pulling at it and letting it out softly.

‘’Ouch, you douche!’’ You fake pain but he knows he didn’t actually hurt you, he could never.

There was a moment where neither of you did anything, must’ve been less than a minute, before he leaned closer, mouths in close proximity as he noticed your eyes shut.

I want to kiss her, he thought and he did. Soft lips brought to yours, as you immediately kissed him back, cupping his wet neck and bringing his face even closer, deepening the kiss. His arms quivered, threatening to make him lose his balance and fall on top of you, he lost himself every time you kissed him.

His hand slid down your waist, positioning you higher on the couch as your hungry mouth searched for his again, needy breaths escaped your lips, a sight that made him feel the all too familiar pain in his groin, a towel was still draped around him and you were still in your outside clothes.

A peak across the room showed him the window curtains open.

‘’Give me a minute, baby.’’ He said as he got up to close them, returning to you with his arms stretched out, ready to move this somewhere more comfortable.

–

He was awakened by an asleep arm, your weight had fallen on it and he felt numb.

He gently tried to remove it but you moved around and whispered in a raspy voice, god, how much he loved that voice.

‘’What is it?’’ Your tone sounded anxious, were you afraid something was going to happen to him? Could it be that you cared that much?

Without a word he shushed you.

‘’It’s all right, go back to sleep.’’ He said moments later, a pain in his chest since he couldn’t tell you that actually yes, there was something on his mind.

‘’You know, you have to tell people how you feel, remember?’ You spoke so wisely, even after an interrupted slumber and he couldn't help but smile.

‘’I know baby, goodnight.’’ He said as you sighed and turned around.

For Tenko could not tell you that nothing compared to this, nothing like doing nothing with you and to admit this to himself was a big liability. He would tell you eventually, maybe he’d write it down, he found it easier, but on that day he chose to wrap his arms around you again, risking numbness, than to speak the words.

[thelinguisticpoet]

365 Days Without You

I always thought grief would be black and white, monotonous for the most part. Then I thought it would be grey, like the clouds, right before it rained, holding onto as much as you can till you fall apart. But the past year has taught me that grief has colors, colors no one stops to notice or understand, colors I never thought I’d see again...

Sometimes grief would be blue, like the sky that goes on without an end, it was quiet and calm, maybe a little long yet soothing despite the sorrow deep within. Grief was green, like the trees, grass, and weeds that grew on the side of your grave, grief was growth and life despite the life lost. Grief was red, like the million flowers we arranged atop your grave in hopes you could smell them the way we could, red like the anger that kept seething despite all the rational thoughts and beliefs, a little faulty and unpredictable. Then, grief was yellow, it was funny with a little drop of sunshine where you could only think to find darkness, it was proof you could smile despite adversities. Grief is anything but the gloomy, grey picture we often paint in our heads.

I still vividly remember the day I received the call at work. I had only imagined what pain and sorrow would feel like until that moment, and despite knowing the worst has happened, all I felt was complete numbness. I could have sworn I held my breath on the ride home, wishing the car to speed past traffic lights, but also praying not to reach, not to ever find out what was awaiting me at the end of the journey. I was not prepared for this goodbye despite knowing and feeling its lingering presence for months. I was not ready to let you go… 

I had so much to say and yet silence engulfed me whole for months. I could never quite put my thoughts into words the way I wanted to, I could not speak to a wall thinking your presence filled the room or think of you as an angel living in the heavens above, looking down on me. I could not simply pretend you still were here, yet I could not completely fathom your absence long enough to understand that you were gone forever.

Maybe I was a little mad, but more than anger, it was sadness in a way I had never felt before. It was in knowing nothing would ever come close to having spent decades with you ever again. It was in knowing I could never again hold your hand as we walked through the park, never again drink the coffees that you make or share your favorite strawberry ice creams with you, it was in knowing I could never again hear your voice calling me out as I walked past your room, never again having your presence in celebrations and festivities that you dearly looked forward to. It was in knowing you’d never again sing along to the songs that played on the radio, never again waking up in the wee hours to catch World Cup matches, listening to your commentary and supporting Brazil because that was your favorite team. It was in knowing you’d never be the one who takes up the spot right next to me in family portraits and birthday photographs, it was in knowing I have kissed you goodbye for the last time and put you six feet deep where I could not quite reach you the way I wanted to. My sorrow was tied to never having you again, and knowing that there is still much I needed you for in life. It is tied to the absence and void that I now have to live and make peace with because there isn’t much else to do…

I expected myself to feel lost, to go through tons of emotions, behave irrationally, throw tantrums, and spend most of my days and nights in complete solitude. Life was a far cry from what I’d imagined, I spent most of my days after your loss swamped with work and I was surprisingly good at it. And when I couldn’t breathe, I found myself locked in a toilet or curled up on the bed, holding myself together on the brink of losing it, praying to keep it together for just a bit longer. This was a huge loss for the entire family, and with the emotional rollercoaster we all rode those months, I found it necessary to keep all my pain and sorrow hidden. I made the most jokes, recalled your time with us animatedly and did what I could to make sure everyone was okay. Most days, I kept myself mentally and physically busy to the point when I hit the bed, there was no room for thinking, let alone overthinking. All I did for a good six months or so, was work, exhaust myself and sleep.

Life took a complete turn overnight and I was nowhere near prepared for a death I knew was coming and would completely shatter me.

Tell me, how does one prepare for the complete absence of a loved one for the rest of whatever forever we have left…

I am grateful for photographs and videos of you; they bring you back whole to me for a split second every time I catch a glimpse of them. Sometimes, with my eyes closed, I could swear I feel you right here with me. In the moments I spend most alone, most broken and find myself hurting and longing for your comforting hug and presence, I feel myself break in a way I could never explain. But in those very moments, I think you’re somewhere nearby, holding my hands, silently sitting with me, the way you always did. I know you are right here. 

You’re in every flower that blooms in my garden, in every innocent smile and laughter of every child I meet on the streets, in the black coffees I drink every morning now, and in your favorite songs that play constantly on my playlist. You’re everywhere I turn, and it is not painful anymore. It’s comforting to know the things you’ve left behind in the form of objects, routines, and habits help hold me together in knowing you’re just as much here as you were before when I feel a little abandoned in life.

It still feels like you’re asleep in an unknown, unfindable room in this house, I still wait to see if you’d come walking down the hall whenever we gather for family time like you always do, I still think you’re here whenever I turn another corner or sit on your couch waiting for you to magically appear again as though nothing went amiss, like the past year didn't happen. I wonder if I prayed long and hard enough, if you'd come right back and life would resume playing out the way it was supposed to.

Sitting here, I could tell you I did not believe I’d make it past the first 24 hours, let alone a whole year. It feels surreal, like a never-ending dream I hope to awaken from and find you laughing with me as I recall every little detail, but it all feels less probable and more an unchanged reality as time passes by. With every day that begins and ends without you, know that I carry you in my heart, know that every step I take and every single thing I do, will embody you, and it will be something I hope makes you proud.

Tell me what I missed when I see you again, tell me how much you missed me and hold me till I feel whole again, tell me all your wonderful adventures from when you were young again even though I remember every story, every word, by heart, the way I do you.

I will always hold you in my heart for whatever life and eternity there is left to live,

with eternal love,

Rose.

In loving memory of my most beloved grandfather♥️

© Raina Rose 

[meiiuka]

Hellooooo mod Toko!! I recently found your blog and your work is soooo cuteeee ❤️❤️ I hope you are having a good day ❤️❤️

I want to make a request, I hope its okay. I will like to request for Rantaro, Shuichi and Kaede finding out that soon will be their s/o's birthday but they didn't tell them because s/o is used to that their family just doesn't give much importance to their birthday and don't do nothing too special for it

I hope its okay or it isn't too confusing, Im just a little sensitive with the topic of my birthday right now and I will like a little comfort, but don't worry I don't want to rush you, please take your time

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANON!! & thank you sm for the kind words <3

rantaro amami, shuichi saihara, and kaede akamatsu when it's their s/o's birthday:

category: fluff, comfort, headcanons

notes: i hope your special day gets brighter ^^

Rantaro Amami:

• he's been preparing a very special gift for you for many, many months now and has had the day of your birthday marked down in all his calendars • "of course i remembered your birthday" he chuckles and plants a kiss on the top of your head. "how could i not? out of the 365 days in the year this is my favorite one." • even though you didn't remind him, he knew it was your birthday. i guess he just has his ways as a guy who's pretty savvy at a lot of things ;-) • "you should open up the present i got you babe. i need to see your pretty face light up with excitement" • inside the intricately wrapped box he hands to you there's a scrapbook. inside there are love notes and memorable photos of the two of you that were clearly well thought out. it must've taken him a while! • "wait.. wait.. that's not all, you think i wouldn't spoil you a little on your big day? c'mon baby, i know you know me better than that." he gives you a little wink as he hands you a small gift bag with crinkled paper sticking out at the top • you're pretty overwhelmed with emotion at this point, as the amount of effort that he's put into this is not really what you're used to. he reaches his arm around you to hold you while you dig into the bag. • "i've thought of you every time i've traveled this past year. when i visit new places, i try to find souvenirs that you'd like. so... what do you think?" • you hold up a necklace, bracelet, and a keychain that contain references to an island that he's visited recently • "i hope you love it, you know i just wanna make you happy. i love you. now, where do you wanna go for dinner? i'll take you anywhere, it's my treat." he puts one of his hands on your cheek, his expression soft as he leans his head in to give you a gentle kiss Shuichi Saihara:

• you get a call from your boyfriend shuichi. you pick up the phone and he answers with, "hey y/n, i wanted to take you out today... can we meet in like, an hour? if that's okay with you, of course..." he sounds a little nervous on the phone. "i got it all covered, just stand outside and i'll swing by to take you on an adventure." • at first you think to yourself, "well, shuichi didn't mention my birthday... does he know it's today? or are we just going on a date?" • once you get ready for the day out, your boyfriend waits outside for you just as planned. his entire face lights up when he sees you and he's blushing so hard you can see it through the tinted window of his car 😭 • "oh wow, uhm... you're so ... attractive..." he's stumbling on his words and is struggling to maintain eye contact with you as you get in the passenger side of his car. it's just the two of you and you put some songs on the aux as he drives you • "your outfit," he can barely focus on much else but you. "i... love it. you look super nice..." he gives a light laugh and puts a hand on your leg • when you ask him where you two are going, to which he replies, "oh, you'll see, it's a surprise!" • after driving for a little, you see that he's taken you to an aquarium. it's a really scenic area and you're excited to go on a romantic excursion with your boyfriend

• "wait, um, before we go in, can i show you something? it's actually in my trunk." he opens up the back of his car and it's literally full of gifts. like. you're shocked at the pure volume of gifts he's brought you. • "surprise, love..! happy birthday... i'm sorry if it looked like i forgot, i promise i'd never ever. i stayed up all night wrapping these and making sure i could get things just right..." • you practically yourself into his arms, and he holds you close against his chest. "now, let's go have a good day. you deserve it after all" Kaede Akamatsu:

• you wake up on the morning of your birthday with approximately 50 message pings on your phone. they're all text messages from your girlfriend kaede- • one of the first things you read is "i'm so so sorry if i woke you up, but i needed to let you know that i'm thinking about you on this very special day... happy birthday my angel!" • the rest are all long, extensive messages about how much she loves and appreciates you, and how she's going to make this day memorable for you

• after getting ready for the day, she knocks on your door to come visit. she won't stop reminding you it's your birthday, making sure you feel the love you deserve • it's clear that she's been planning out what she wants to do to surprise you for literal months now • she planned a surprise party at her place that she's about to take you to, one with all your mutual friends that she's planned the events, catering, and activities for • "don't worry hon... i'm sure you'll love what's to come." she gives you a swift wink and kisses your cheek. • when you two arrive at kaede's place, you get surprised by all of your friends and a well decorated living room, kitchen, and hallway • "surprise! i thought i'd plan this out for you so i could make your day extra special... i love you so much, y/n. please never forget how much you mean to me, and to everyone else." • the rest of the day, kaede showers you with a ton of physical affection and makes sure everything goes according to plan. she even baked the cake from scratch and made sure to decorate it in a personable way for you :') • "okay look... i know the cake doesn't look professionally made but it's made with love" she laughs and she gives you a warm hug. the cake is actually really tasty, despite the slightly lopsided look <3

[ficthots]

Resolutions

A/N: This photo of Josh really does something to me. Does that make me crazy? Probably, but I just adore photos that show his personality. Okay, this one has a happy ending, I promise! As always let me know what you guys think and enjoy.

Warnings: SMUT. DNI if you are under 18. 18+ Content only.

Word Count: 10.7k+

December 31st 

There truly is no holiday like New Years. It doesn’t get as much love and appreciation as it should, honestly. What is more exciting than a year full of possibilities and knowing that it could potentially be the best time of your life? Seriously, there’s nothing like it. 

It’s why New Year's Eve is your favorite day of the year. Sure, to some people it’s just another day, but to you, it’s an entire world of opportunity that is laid in front of you, just waiting to be given a chance.

Every year, without fail you would carefully select a resolution that you would try your hardest to make happen within the following 365 days. In your eyes it wasn’t just a superstition, but a sound way to attempt to meet a personal goal, whatever it may be. Getting excited about the year ahead and the challenges and achievements that would happen.

In years past, you had accomplished those resolutions. Getting into a new hobby had been one goal you set in previous years. Deciding that needlework looked like an interesting task and by the end of the year you were a master of it. Every now and then you still dabble in it after a long day of work or school. 

Another year was trying to get yourself more comfortable with doing things by yourself. Taking yourself out to a movie, dinner, running errands. Anything that you normally would have tried to find someone to accompany you to, you did by yourself. 

It ended up being one of the best years of your life. Doing things you normally wouldn’t have because you were embarrassed. Now, it seemed silly as you looked back on all the missed opportunities from other years simply because you had no one to go with.

This previous year, you decided that your phone was taking up far too much time in your life so setting the goal to four hours of screen time a day whilst also deleting all social media to ensure a good detox was your resolution foundation. You never even missed it anymore. Unsure how you were spending so much of your time on that device was truly mind boggling, but happy with the switch in the end. 

Standing in your best friend’s living room, helping her hang a New Year’s banner on her wall, you hummed to the tune playing in the background. “Alright, I’m dying to hear it.” Your brow furrowed, stepping off the arm of the couch, smoothing your skirt back down.

“Hear what?” She rolled her eyes, going to grab a streamer and toss it over the ceiling fan blades. “Your resolution. What is the big goal for the year?” Feeling heat creep up your neck and face, you felt sheepish in your reply. 

Clearing your throat, you caught the streamer as it sailed towards you before hurling it back in her direction. “It’s a big one this year.” She eyed you expectantly, exhaling a large gust of breath as you continued on. “By midnight of next year's New Year’s Eve I will be kissing the love of my life.” 

Her mouth hung agape, eyeing you in disbelief. “You’re being serious?” Shrugging at her question, you continued tossing the streamer back and forth. “Of course I am. I’ve accomplished all my other ones so why not this one?” 

She took the remainder of the streamer roll and sat it down on the counter, eyeing you as she continued on. “All I’m saying is that picking up a new hobby and finding the love of your life are just a tad bit different.” 

Your eyebrows wiggled at her, a laugh emitting with it. “No shit sherlock. You’ll see,” as you finished, a knock sounded at the door, signaling the party was just beginning. You were so totally going to prove her wrong. Obviously, you knew it was a big deal, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t do it or had less of a chance to actually accomplish this. 

You’d prove her wrong. 

December 31st-One Year Later

Okay so maybe you’d overshot just a little bit. You thought that it was going to be possible. Especially with how this previous year had gone. You thought it was going to align the cosmos perfectly. 

Instead, the cosmos were now laughing in your face as your best friend hung onto her boyfriend, waiting for the countdown to start. Sitting lonesome in the corner of the party, this was the first year where you truly didn’t feel like celebrating the closure of the year and welcoming the upcoming 365 days with a warm embrace. 

Not without him here. 

January 

New year also meant new semester. Within the first few days of the new year, you would always get your supply list for your courses and go shopping for whatever you would need. It’s why you were standing in the aisle of a bookstore, trying to find a copy of some eastern European novel from the 1980’s. 

Sensing the presence of another individual next to you, you made a mental note to not stray into their personal space as you searched for this book. Eyes quickly darting over the figure, his hair was shaved on the sides, an almost mixture of a mohawk and mullet decorating the top and back. His features were sharp, facial hair highlighting them. Clothes basic for the large personality you could tell he was. 

The book in his hand caught your attention, perking up at the sight of it. “Oh my gosh, I loved that book. ‘You Are The Universe’ is life altering, seriously. Dr. Chopra is a genius. Have you read any of his other works?” His deep brown eyes settled on you, seeing the overjoyed smile on your face and feeling his own match yours.

“Uh-yes. I have one of his books on meditation, actually.” Your eyes lit up even further. Hand darting out and grabbing his arm much to his surprise, you fell into a quick chatter about it. “I loved his book on meditation! He has a new one coming out this year, oh gosh what was it called? Something about definitive meditation to live an ultimate stress free life. I can’t wait!” He laughed at your excitement, shifting the book to his other hand to offer his. 

“I’m Josh.” Your smile held true as you offered your hand and name. His cheeks pinkened as he held eye contact with you, trying to clear his throat as he nodded towards the cafe. “Are you busy at all? I would love to hear about other books you’ve read or studied. Only if you’re not busy, you know!”

Biting back a laugh, you nodded at him. “I am not busy and I would love to chat with you, Josh.” He could’ve melted into the floor right then as your name fell from his lips for the first time. Letting you walk by him first, you led the way towards a free table you had spotted. 

You and Josh sat there and talked for hours. Multiple cups of coffee, laughing so hard you could hardly breath, you were enamored with the man sitting across from you. He was animated in his movements and words in a way you had never seen someone else do before. An accent or twang on words you had never heard before. Incredibly handsome features that only became more attractive the more he spoke, face mirroring everything he was thinking.

When the store associate came over to the table you both were seated at, interrupting your conversation, your face burned in mortification as they informed you both that the store was in fact closed and you needed to leave. Both scrambling to gather your belongings, you stood by the front doors and handed a piece of paper to the boy. 

His eyes widened in surprise at your number scribbled on the scrap and gave a large, toothy grin. “I had a blast talking with you, Josh. That is my number. Sorry I took up most of your day.” You turned on your heel, waving over your shoulder at him as he stood rooted to his spot in shock. “I’ll call you, okay?” 

Giggling, you offered a thumbs up, continuing on our walk to your apartment just a few blocks away. The second you got home that evening, you grabbed your phone, hearing the dial tone echo into the quiet room, waiting for her to pick up.

Her greeting rang out and you spoke quickly. “I think I met someone special today.” 

When Josh got home that evening, his twin stood in his kitchen, not an unusual sight to see. He was there more often than at his own residence. Josh was overjoyed to see him tonight anyways. Throwing his stuff onto the sofa, he released a long breath, beaming at his brother. 

“I think my life changed today.” 

February

Nearly every weekend was spent together. Brunch, park afternoons, finding crystal shops, it was a blast. You had learned a good chunk about the man and felt yourself falling for him uncharacteristically fast. Whether it was his charm, wit, or humor you didn’t know. Perhaps a combination of it all. 

The only obstacle you had faced so far was him being a tad protective over personal information about himself. Honestly, you didn’t try to pry too much, but it was the simple things like what he did for a living that was guarded by him. 

You understood, not everyone is entirely forthcoming with information and that’s okay. You knew that if you were to ask him, he would tell you. What you did know, you adored. How close he was with his family, especially his brothers. Seriously, they were involved in almost every story he told. Passion coursing through him about music in a way you had never experienced with anyone else. Spirituality being such a large portion of his life. 

Josh was a complex and extremely interesting man. It was what continuously drew you into him. Whenever he texted you, you never hesitated to respond and vice versa. If he invited you out, it was almost always a yes unless it conflicted with previous plans although you hadn’t shied away from canceling other plans to see him. 

He was doing the exact same for you. 

If your name popped up on his screen, it was in his hand in a split second. He always wanted to find activities to do with you, knowing it wouldn’t be hard to entertain you given how similar you truly were. Jake was utterly annoyed at how often he was speaking about you despite his warnings of being careful. Josh didn’t have the slightest worry in his mind. 

Not with you. 

After a morning spent at the farmer’s market together, you were overjoyed with the items you had found today. Josh’s own tote bag holding goodies he just couldn’t turn away from. “Hey, I want to drop these off at my place, is that okay? It’s super close, just a couple blocks away.” 

Your eyes were glued to your screen, but when you looked up at the boy, his smile blinded you. Chatting the entire way to your home, when you opened the door to your apartment, Josh surveyed the area. 

“Come in and make yourself at home.” You spoke as you walked the ten feet to your kitchen, setting the bag on the counter. The entire apartment was visible from where you stood. No designated bedroom, just a bed with a sofa at the end facing the television. A small bathroom off the singular room. Decent sized kitchen given the small space, but you didn’t mind.

You loved this place more than anything. It was your home and the first place you could afford to get into by yourself. Who cared if it was small? You certainly didn’t. And neither did Josh.

He toured himself around the space, taking in any information about you that he could. A small gallery wall was next to the front door, images showing a slew of people he didn’t know, but wanted to based on the show stopping smile that adorned your face in each snap. Little knick-knacks were littered on the minimal surface space. Your colorful comforter reminded him of something from the mid-2000’s. The flower shaped rug in the living room and bathroom backed that up. 

It screamed you.

Plopping yourself down on the sofa, you watched as Josh continued moving around the space. Being respectful not to touch anything, his arms securely behind his back and joined at the wrists. A permanent smile on his lips, occasionally growing larger at small things he would notice. When his eyes fell to you once again after doing a full loop, he sat next to you. 

“I love your apartment. It’s very,” his smile grew softer as did his gaze, “you.” His finger booped your nose as he finished. Your chin tipped up, a large and proud grin placing itself on your features. “Thank you. I love it, too. First place I ever called my own.” 

He hummed in thought, eyes never leaving you. It happened within a split second. One moment you had made eye contact with him, the next you were straddling his waist, ingrained in an explosively passionate kiss. 

Tongue sweeping over every crevice of your mouth he could reach, desperate to get his fill of you in anyway he possibly could. A light whimper fell from your lips as his hips jutted upwards, quickly hardening cock pressing into the tiny amount of fabric that separates you two.

Dress bunched around your hips, the lacey thong you had opted for today proved to be a good decision. Practically dripping through the white material, he could feel the dampness pooling in between your legs.

When you pulled away from his mouth, a gasp escaping your throat at the sensation of the thrusting of your hips, he took the opportunity to leave his mark on your neck.

Fingers tangling in his locks, you tugged as he cupped your breasts over the fabric of your dress. “God, I’ve wanted to rip this off you all day. Walking around, begging to be fucked in this, huh?” 

Nodding feverently, you choked out a response, his thumb brushing over your budding nipple that poked through the fabric. “Yes, please, yes.” You didn’t care how desperate you sounded. 

Not when Josh was as rock hard as he was beneath you, feeling every inch pressing into your clothed core. Pulling the already plunging neckline down further, your breasts fell out of the top. 

A groan emitted from him at the astonishing sight. “No bra either? Fucking filthy,” he muttered as he took one in his mouth, entire nipple disappearing in between his teeth. Grinding down harder on him, he decided he didn’t want to tease. 

Not the first time, anyways. 

Switching to your neglected tit, he used his free hand to release himself from the confines of his pants. His weeping head immediately sank into your heat. 

Mouth falling open, no sound escaping, you savored the feeling of the stretch. Pussy walls fluttering around him as you sank further and further onto him, he was staggering through his breaths. 

Head falling back, his exposed neck was strained, veins popping with exertion. Leaning forward, the tip of your tongue traced up from his collarbone to his jawline, following one singular vein. Placing a chaste kiss at the end, he nearly whimpered.

Starting your movements quickly, his hands held onto your bare hips, fingers indented so deep, it was bruising. Knowing that this was going to finish fast, your pace matched the desperation you both felt.

His encouraging words filled your ears, the lude sounds somehow amplified as you chased your highs. It slammed into you, your body convulsing as you halted, not able to take the sensitivity as the overwhelming finish rocked you.

Josh was only moments after you, pulling out of your cunt despite that being the absolute last thing he wanted to do, but given he wasn’t wrapped and was unaware of your birth control situation, decided to play it as safe as he could.

As you both caught your breath, your hands rested on his heaving shoulders. The post orgasmic glow that decorated his skin made him look like a mythological god as he basked in the warmth. 

“Thanks for coming over.” You huffed out with a laugh as his barking one echoed through the small space. 

March

Hangs at your place became a regular after that day. Josh would wander over for dinner constantly, spending the night more often than not. You looked forward to those days, where he would show up at your door with either takeout from a new place he had heard about or ingredients for you two to cook together. 

It was after another shared night, sweat riddled bodies stuck together, cum painting your stomach after another intense release. He pulled you up, having you join him in your unbelievably tiny shower where he washed away the dirty details of the evening from your skin. 

Far too pretty to hold the remanentes of the night on you for longer than necessary. His aftercare was unmatched, always going the extra mile to let you know that the crude phrases and acts he performed on you were never what he truly thought. You informed him that you knew he never meant it, but he swore he needed to prove it to you. 

Who were you to fight that? 

His hand traced lazy circles on your bare shoulder, on the verge of drifting off to sleep when his voice broke the silence. “Star?” Tilting your head back to get a better view of him, you placed a chaste kiss to the underside of his jaw to let him know you were listening. “Do you want to come over to my place tomorrow?”

Smile growing with a true tiredness seeping into it, you nodded. Snuggling closer to his bare chest, a content sigh escaped him. Excited for what tomorrow would offer. Ready to answer the questions he knew you would have.

This had to be the wrong address.

Double and then triple checking the address he had sent you, you stared at the massive country house in disbelief. It resembled more of an estate than a house. The message stared back at you, Doors unlocked come on in :) 

This couldn’t be the house. Wasn’t he the same age as you? You could’ve sworn he said he was. Then what the hell did he do for work? Tech? Trust fund baby? All of these thoughts ran rampant in your head as your legs carried you to the door, pushing open the large wooden piece, and stepping into the foyer. 

“Jo-Josh?” Your voice wavered and cracked as you called out. The front entryway alone looked like it belonged in Architectural Digest. You weren’t entirely sure it hadn’t been featured already. His voice carried through the space, calling out to you from a direction you weren’t sure of. The place was so large you thought your ears were playing tricks on you. 

Trusting your gut, keeping your hands at your sides, you followed the sounds of music and the smell of cooking to get you to where he was. The enormous kitchen had him looking like a gourmet chef as he prepared dinner for you both. He turned when he heard you arrive, a beaming smile greeting you as he circled the counter. 

Lips landing on yours, both hands cupping your cheeks, you barely registered what was happening. “Hello, my stardust. Did you have trouble finding the place? It took you a bit.” He walked back to the stove and you shook your head, terrified to touch anything.

“No, no, I just wasn’t sure I had the correct address. This place is,” you trailed off, eyes scouring the high ceiling, falling to the dining room, “big.” You finally finished, settling your attention back on him. “I thought you were twenty-six?” You spoke before you could catch yourself.

A cackle fell from him as he plated your food. “I am.” Eyes quickly darting up to see your confused face. “Then, what? How?” Josh nodded at your question, grabbing the plates and bypassing the dining room. “Grab those glasses and that bottle. Follow me and I will tell you.” 

Doing as he said, you trailed behind him to the outdoor patio, seeing candles all over the space, table decorated for the occasion. Land stretching for miles past the house. Sitting with a large sigh, he leaned back in his chair after taking a bite of his food, seeing you still sitting stick straight, cautiously grabbing your fork. 

“It’s a fork, babe, not a diamond.” You felt silly for acting this way, but truly you weren’t sure what you were supposed to be doing right now. He laughed at your stressed expression. “Star, you gotta relax! It’s still me. I’m still, Josh.” Your eyes narrowed in his direction, taking a bite of the food. 

Shrugging, you stifled a moan at the taste exploding on your tongue. “I have a feeling I’m about to meet a very different Josh.” His head cocked to the side, watching you, trying to gauge how you were feeling. “Possibly.” 

Taking another large bite, you eyed him expectantly. “Well, I’m waiting.” He chuckled before continuing with the explanation you were sitting on pins and needles for. “Remember how I told you I spend a lot of time with my brothers?” You nodded, eyebrows knitting together. 

“You guys work together? Like a family business?” You said as you bit into bread. “Kind of.” He replied with a breathless laugh. “We have a band. It’s called Greta Van Fleet.” Trying to understand how that occupation would’ve gotten him this house was still attempting to connect. “You guys are,” placing the words in the correct order was extremely crucial at this point, “successful, then?” 

Chuckling at your question, he nodded, chin resting on his hands. “Yeah, I guess so. Millions of monthly listeners on Spotify, multiple tours, we actually just finished our first world tour, a few albums, another coming out soon, another impending world tour,” you laughed, holding your hands up in defeat. 

“Okay, okay, I get it. So what do you do?” His eyes narrowed, a playful smirk dancing on his lips. “What do you think I do?” Tongue poking your cheek, you set your utensils down and eyed him in thought. “Honestly?” He nodded, taking a bite of his dinner. 

“Well, you have a soundboard guy vibe right off the bat, but I’m guessing that’s not it, right?” He erupted in laughter at your observation, throwing his napkin at you. “You son of a bitch! No, that is not what I do!” Giggles wracked your body as you made your actual guess.

Sighing, you took him in. Knowing his personality better than ever, what kind of aura that surrounded him, the energy he put out into the universe. “Front man. Singer. Showman. Am I right?” His cheeks tinted, pointing at your plate. “Finish your dinner before it gets cold.” 

Deciding to tease him, you sipped from your wine glass. “If I do, do I get a show?” Eyes dancing with mischief and badgerment, his jaw set in playful annoyance. “Don’t make me punish you.” 

Eyes squinting in his direction, you decided instantaneously how you wanted the evening to go. “Maybe I want you to punish me.” Watching as his jaw set, flexing that muscle in his cheek, your skin set aflame. 

Josh had the table swiped clean, plates and glasses crashing to the floor with a loud clatter. “Josh!” You exclaimed, but he had you up right after, face down on the wooden table, dress up, hand connecting harshly with your ass. 

His free hand held your face to the table, fist wrapped in your hair to hold you in place. “You want to be punished like the slut you are? I’ll punish you, mama.” Another smack left your unsuspecting ass aching. 

Thighs clenching together with burning need, his foot came between your own, pushing your legs wide. “No, you want to play this game, I’ll play. But you don’t win. Only I do.” A whimper left your parted lips. 

Underwear yanked down your legs, you hissed as his fingers ran up your slick folds. “God, look at you. What a fucking mess. All for me, right?” Nodding, you struggled briefly against his hold, but to no avail as he didn’t let you move an inch. 

Bringing his fingers to your face, you could smell your own arousal coating them. “Clean ‘em,” his fingers shoved into your waiting mouth where you hungrily accepted them, sucking them clean. 

“Disgusting,” he chuckled, but you knew he loved it. Josh got off on being the dominant one. Never the one to be incredibly domineering in other aspects of life, he craved it in the bedroom. Having utter control over you in this way was erotic in a way he didn’t know he loved so much. Not until you. 

He entered you in one thrust, tip of his cock brushing your cervix instantly. Your body jerked with the motion, causing the table to slightly shuffle on the floor. Standing on your tiptoes, ass facing up the way it was, Josh had never seen a more beautiful sight then this. 

Tonight wasn’t about you in the least. Not with how relentlessly he was fucking into you. When you felt a dribble of spit land in between your ass cheeks, an unexpected gasp flew from you. 

“I bet you’d let me do anything to you, wouldn’t you? You’d let me fuck your ass if I really wanted to, huh?” You nodded, a chorus of ‘yes’ escaping your parted lips.

His thumb landed on the hole, lightly pushing in. When you clenched around him, he faltered momentarily, almost stopping entirely. “You fucking like that? When I finger you?” Nodding, tears escaped your eyes.

Josh didn’t last much longer. The intense heat of your greedy cunt sucked him entirely dry, emptying out into you in a way he didn’t know was possible. It took him a few minutes to come down from that high, never pulling out from you.

You startled, feeling lips land on the center of your spine. “You’re an Angel, you know that?” Your fucked out face gave way to how gone you truly were. Not entirely sure when you had finished, you could feel it in your muscles.

Standing you both up, he turned you around, pulling your head towards him. Connecting in the sweetest greeting he could offer you, his forehead rested on yours. “Go get the shower going, I’ll bring up water and a snack, okay?” 

Eyes fluttering shut, you headed back in the house, Josh watching you in total awe. 

He was falling. Fast. 

But all you could think of was the fact that he was going to be leaving on a world tour soon and you couldn’t do long distance. You just couldn’t.

April

You had never experienced anything like this in your life. Not even remotely close. Flying first class, having a private car greet you at the curb of the airport, delivering you to a five-star resort where a suite was booked for you, VIP pass waiting on the desk with your name on it. You were in awe. 

The hotel room door opened and when you spun around and saw his figure there, you shook your head at him. “Josh, this is insane. I thought I was just coming to watch your show! What is all of this?” Your hands waved around at the enormous living room, but he knew you were talking about the entire experience as well. 

Hands landed on your hips, dragging you towards him with a deep kiss planted on you, he sighed into it, almost in relief. “I want your first time seeing us to be memorable. Unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before!” Your frown deepened at his words. “Just coming and seeing you would have sufficed and been more than memorable. This is a lot, Josh.” He could sense your unease with every word you spoke.

Fingertips landing under your jaw, he tilted your head back to look at him. “I wanted to do this for you, stardust. This is to make your trip even better. Just enjoy it with me, yeah?” His persuading tone, the lovey look in his eyes, you couldn’t fight it. 

“Yeah, yeah okay.” Literally jumping for joy in front of you, you erupted in a fit of laughter at his sheer excitement. Seeing the small carry-on suitcase that sat on the sofa, he released a large breath you didn’t know he had been holding. 

He would never admit it, but your pending arrival had been playing on his nerves. Pressure surmounting in a way he had never felt before. Wanting to impress you in any way he could, he finally understood why his feelings were as intense as they were. You didn’t care about all of this. 

No, you just wanted to see him perform. He knew that he didn’t have to do all of this for you and your reaction to it proved that. Making his heart soar, nerves releasing immediately, unsure why he was so on edge to begin with. 

Jake had told him that Josh had been driving everyone insane. Ensuring that everything was going to be utterly perfect for their show tomorrow night, spending more time than usual to secure that guarantee. 

Slightly dressier than normal, Josh told you that the day before the actual concert, his brothers wanted to go out for dinner to formally meet you. You were entirely freaking out. Not sure how to act around actual celebrities, rockstars, and the like which they all technically were. Telling yourself over and over that if they were related to Josh, they had to be good guys.

The restaurant was packed, but a small corner section of the restaurant was set for a table that had a Reserved sign atop it was exactly where Josh was heading. Being the first ones there meant you got another moment to take a breather, tamping down the nerves that wracked your frame. 

Arriving one by one, the tallest of the bunch greeted you both warmly. Immediately pulling you into an embrace, his bright smile was incredibly welcoming. “Ah, we finally get to meet! I’m Danny, only one not technically blood related, but a brother nonetheless. How was your flight out? Have they taken drink orders yet?” He was continuously speaking as he sat down across from you both, grabbing the menu and perusing the options. 

Falling into easy conversation, the next sibling arrived, Sam you could tell by the interesting fashion choice for the day. He offered a brief greeting to the group before diving into the plan for the show the next day. They fell into a chatter about it as you sat quietly, taking it all in and trying to understand some of the terminology they were throwing around. 

Instantly recognizing the final brother, Jake, you couldn’t fight the grin that took over your face at how similar yet strikingly different the twins were. Jake ignored his spitting image, focusing his attention on you solely, putting the rest of the posse into silence as he spoke. 

“Thank god we can finally meet in person. Maybe this will get him to shut the fuck up sometime.” Stunned at his first words to you, Josh reached over you to get to his brother, lightly smacking him in the face. “Sit the fuck down you imbecile.” Jake went to catch his hand, but Danny put his own up between them. “Jesus, we just got here. Everyone sit down. We have a guest!” 

You could feel your face burn, not knowing what to do. Josh’s reassuring hand landed on top of your knee, offering a light squeeze. The remainder of the night went off without a hitch, quickly discovering that the behavior you witnessed was normal for this group of siblings. A night spent full of laughter and enjoyment at the never ending stories they had of their eldest brother was endearing to bear witness to. 

Tips of his ears burning crimson, cheeks holding a permanent pink hue, embarrassment pummeling him as he could not get them to stop. Once the meal had come to a close, you all left the restaurant, earning a hug from each boy, all offering their kind words of how great it was to meet you and how excited they were for you to see them perform the next night. 

Josh and you walked hand in hand back towards the hotel, the crisp evening air still signaling it was spring, summer still a bit off on the horizon. It was a walk that was quiet, but not in an uncomfortable way. Not in the least. Just enjoying the company of who you were with, not pressured to fill the silence. 

“Everyone loved you, by the way.” Rolling your eyes at the statement, you gave him a knowing look. “That’s what you have to say.” He laughed at your statement, but tugged your hand back, forcing you to stand with him. “I’m serious! You fit in so well. You should’ve seen the first time we met one of Sam’s partners. It was horribly uncomfortable. Honestly, they love you.” 

Feeling a burst of pride, you stuffed it down, continuing to walk as he trailed behind you. “Yeah, they’re not too bad.” His booming laugh echoed off the surrounding buildings. 

You had never seen anything like it. The performance they put on was mind numbingly spectacular. Standing in awe the entire time, you wanted nothing more than to experience this over and over again. The fans were so enthralled with the boys it was unlike anything you had ever experienced. Seeing Josh in an element you didn’t know he could get to. 

When you caught his wandering gaze going towards your section multiple times throughout the performance, you eventually heard others around you shouting about who he could be looking for, that someone had caught his eye obviously. You played it cool, but the butterflies that erupted within you, you couldn’t fight off. 

As the show came to a close, following an encore you didn’t know they opted to do with most of their shows, you were dying to get backstage and see him. When you finally had found your way to where you were supposed to be, sitting in a dressing room waiting for him, you were on the edge of your seat in anticipation.

The door opened and Josh entered the room in only a towel. A bead of water dripped from his pec to his navel, slowly traveling further beneath the plushy material. 

Swallowing thickly, the tension in the room was unlike anything between you two. Buzzing around you both, it was incredibly intense. Slowly standing, you moved towards him, sinking to your knees directly in front of him. 

His eyes never left yours, on stage presence still clinging to him. The high of the nights performance sizzled on his skin. He put up no fight as you pulled the towel from him. Hard length already greeting you. 

Maintaining eye contact, you kissed the leaking tip lightly. He sucked in a shallow breath. Not a single word uttered between you, just accepting him into your waiting mouth. 

Eyes fluttering to the back of his skull the further down you sank, when his tip hit the back of your throat, he moaned. The sound vibrated all the way down to his dick, the sensation making you moan. 

Hollowing out your cheeks, you bobbed up and down his length, slowly and with intention. Both hands at work, one on the areas of him you couldn’t reach, the other cradling his balls. 

When you felt them tightening in your palm, you sucked harder on his tip only, knowing it always drove him over the edge. His cum cascaded down your throat in thick streams of creamy ropes. You didn’t let a drop go to waste, holding him still in your mouth until he decided he was done. 

As he came down, bracing himself on the chair to his right, he snapped back into the reality of himself. Your Josh was back. Pulling you up and into his embrace, he instantly began bombarding you with questions about the show. 

It was hysterical that the man had just finished in your mouth less than forty-five seconds ago and was now enthralled with how the show had gone. 

Only catch was you had to answer as he devoured your pussy like a starved man. You could do that. 

You knew that there was still one more day of your trip before you were bound to return home, Josh following only a couple days later, but he had planned a romantic day out for you two. What had been a splendid day spent in one another's company, had ended in sour ruin. 

After a wonderful dinner, you two sat in the luxurious hotel room, basking in the attention of the other. “I need to make sure I’m all packed. My flight leaves early,” you sighed out, seeing the permanent smile glued to his face. 

The expression on his face had you giggling, pushing hair from his forehead. “What?” He shrugged, doe eyes never leaving you. “Nothing.” You sat up, a smirk gracing your lips, persistent to figure out why he was looking at you that way. “Come on, what?” 

“I’m in love with you.”

Breath catching in your throat at his admission, you felt tears welling in your eyes. Jumping up from the sofa, you went to the adjoining room, attempting to occupy yourself so as to not have to deal with this. “Star!” Josh called out after you, hot on your heels as you tried to run. 

When you went to the massive closet, grabbing your clothes from the hangers and throwing them in the suitcase, you could feel the tremble in your hands. “What’s wrong? What did I do?” Your eyes squeezed shut, hands braced on the edge of the suitcase, trying to steady your breathing. 

“It’s this fucking room. This room is too big! Look at the size of that closet. It’s literally the size of my apartment. This is-is too much. It’s not meant for me,” Josh’s confused look washed over his face, monitoring your hurried movements as you tried to shakily fold a top. “You’re upset about the room?” 

Keeping your back turned to him, you went to the bathroom and grabbed your toiletries from the counter. “Of course I am, Josh. Look at this place. I don’t belong in this!” Your hands waved haphazardly around the space, hearing your panicked tone echo off the tiled walls. 

“Or you’re trying to find any excuse and reason to not say it back to me.” Your chest heaved at his words. Eyes connecting, your hands still trembled, head shaking ‘no’ as your eyes fell downcast to your feet. The plush carpet that looked like no one had ever walked on it before, soft underneath your bare toes. 

His hands grabbed your wrists, the cool touch of his fingers somehow scorched the skin it touched. “We can’t do this, Josh. Nothing has changed,” you sniffled, shuffling your feet nervously. His head shook, getting you to look at him.

“I know, sweet girl. But I do love you.” Your bottom lip trembled, feeling tears start to fall down your cheeks. His thumbs brushed them away, offering a sad smile at your teary demeanor. He sighed, pulling you into a tight embrace. 

Returning it immediately, your arms wrapped securely around his torso, crying into his chest. His cheek pressed into the crown of your head, hands rubbing your back soothingly. “I know, stardust. I know.” 

Pushing his confession of feelings to the side, you both had decided that despite the intense feelings you had, that remaining friends was going to be the best course of action. For now, at least.

With another impending world tour, you weren’t up for trying the long distance relationship, especially with it being so early in the said partnership. In the meantime, friends were what you had settled on, and that’s what you were going to roll with. No matter how much it killed you. 

Josh’s birthday had sprung up just a week and half after your trip. No matter how much you had begged him to let him help you plan the party, he refused. Stating it was a massive surprise for everyone.

He was ecstatic that you were going to be attending and meeting the remainder of the Kiszka gang. You on the other hand were terrified beyond belief of meeting his parents. Of course, since there was nothing romantic happening between you both, there shouldn’t have been as much worry.

You were dead wrong. 

The minute you had stepped into the backyard where an enormous tent covered a good portion of his sprawling land, you had been snatched by the brothers and were paraded around to meet any and everyone you possibly could.

You spent so much time mingling with the party goers, you had only briefly seen Josh and that was when he had peeled you away for two brief seconds to adorn your facepaint for the shindig. Even still, he was only able to mutter a quick hello before you were dragged off by someone else. 

Exhausted didn’t quite cover it. The party had long since dwindled down, most of the guests having left, but you remained sprawled out on a rug, head propped up by scattered pillows, eyes soundly shut as you listened to the springtime creatures coming out for the night. 

A loud sigh startled you from the relaxing state you had just been in, but instantly melted when you realized it was Josh. “There’s the birthday boy. Didn’t think I was gonna get to see you at all today,” your fingers brushed a stray curl from his forehead as he smiled at you.

“Mm.” He responded, eyes shutting as he savored your touch. “Thanks for coming, pretty girl.” You giggled, snuggling closer into his arms. Placing a chaste kiss on his neck, his arms tightened around you. “I’m surprised you haven’t asked for your birthday gift yet.” 

His head craned back to get a better look at you, excitement taking over his features. “We already did presents. You know I don’t expect anything from you,” he smiled at you, sweetly in the way only Josh could. The way that set your stomach alight with butterflies. 

“Close your eyes.” He sighed, but did as he was told. Eyes slipped shut, his fingers laced together on his stomach, a small smile gracing his full lips.

It was silent for a moment, but when you spoke, Josh nearly choked on air. “Happy Birthday, Joshy.” You were laid there, entirely nude, against some of the pillows that had been set up for the party.

Legs spreading to offer an invite, you beckoned him over with a wag of a finger. “Come enjoy your present, birthday boy.” 

May

You did great things for friends all the time. Including spending an entire day with the age group you most despised for charity. Children and you simply did not mix. They were loud, almost always sticky, and to be totally brutally honest, were fairly incompetent.

However, given your best friend is a second grade public school teacher, you would do anything in the world for her. Which is why on the most gorgeous Saturday afternoon you were at the public library, out in the grass field directly in front of the building, reading a picture book to a large group of kindergartners. 

“Boy, was she surprised! She didn’t even get mad at me for interrupting.” As you continued to read the book, your eye caught someone towards the back of the group, smiling at him as he watched you finish the book. 

The group of kids erupted in clapping as did their parents as you closed the book. Thanking everyone for their attention, you stood and made your way over to Josh. “That was fantastic. I always thought Little Critter books were the high point of literature.” Nodding in agreement, you two strolled over to one of the set up tabletops, placing the book back in one of the bins.

“Oh, I agree. Grew up on them and they taught me everything I know.” Josh nudged you with a laugh, head tipping back in the direction you two had just been. “You were good with them.” You groaned, stopping and observing the large crowds in the area, stuffing your hands in your pockets. “I hate kids.” 

Josh choked on his spit before blowing up in laughter. Your giggles mixed with his belly shaking chortles. “Wha-what? I’m serious! I despise kids. I’m only doing this for that lady right there,” your finger pointed at your best friend, but Josh didn’t see her, hunched over trying to catch his breath. 

“God, you’re awful.” Josh spoke as he finally calmed down, wiping at his eyes. Your giggles still held as you smiled at him. “Thank you for coming. Really, you didn’t have to.” Shrugging, he pulled his wallet from his back pocket. “I know the only reason you invited me is because I have a checkbook.” 

Feigning shock, you eyed the leather. “Wow. What an assumption to make. Not like I wanted to spend the day with my friend. It’s a beautiful day out and I thought we would enjoy each other’s company. It hurts me that you think so lowly of me.” He rolled his eyes, scoffing at your words. 

“Okay fine then. If you reached donation caps,” before he could finish the sentence, you grabbed his wallet, heading towards the donation table. “No, no, if you insist!” Josh laughed as he followed after you. 

When your best friend appeared at your side, out of breath and stressed, you turned your attention towards her. “God, kill me now. Seriously, please. Some of my students are here and they won’t leave me alone,” as she was speaking through gritted teeth, waving at the group she was talking about, you snorted.

“Hence why I dropped the teaching program,” she shot daggers at you, before realizing who was standing next to you. “Oh my gosh, Josh, right? It’s so nice to finally meet you. This one does not shut up about you. It was so sweet of you to come today. Gosh, you must be a really good lay,” she said as she smoothed down a section of your hair, offering what you knew was a sincere smile. 

Your eyes blew wide, about to speak again, but were cut off when she got called away by another volunteer. “And that was someone who speaks their mind without a filter!” You chuckled trying to play off the disastrous first meeting. 

Josh laughed in shock, but shook it off. “It was a compliment. Right?” You smiled at him, turning on your heel and changing the subject. “They need us over here!” You called over your shoulder at him, but he wasn’t letting it go.

“It was a compliment, right? Right?” 

June and July

It was coming to an end. The times of Josh being around whenever you wanted or needed him. He knew it was coming to a close soon, which is why he was trying to spend more time with you now than ever before. 

Laying in his backyard, a blanket underneath you, the sun's rays warming your skin, you felt at utter peace. Josh was seated next to you, scribbling things down in his notebook, humming to an imaginary tone. It was early in the day, having spent another night at his home, Josh told you he wanted to spend the morning outside before it became too hot. 

Popping another berry in your mouth, your eyes remained shut, savoring the comfort that was being offered to you right then. Something you weren’t sure when it would happen again. 

They were leaving in a week.

This was how most of the month of June had gone. Mornings and nights spent entangled in one another. Sex outside more often than you could count. Trying to be as close to each other as physically possible meant Josh was more often buried deep within you than not.

Not that you complained. It was euphoric whenever you were together, something you had never shared with another being. Especially one as magnificent as Josh. That’s why you knew parting was going to be even more difficult than it should’ve been. 

July was propelling through time at such a fast pace, you weren’t sure how time was moving so quickly. In the blink of an eye the fourth of July had come and gone, a wonderful barbecue invitation extended to you from the brothers. All of the days were melting into a blur.

Before you knew it, you were eyeing the packed luggage that was stacked by his front door, wondering where the hell the last six weeks had gone. “Okay, this key is my copy, but while you water the plants and check on the house, it’s yours.” He was running through a checklist, handing you his key, but stopped when he didn’t hear a reply.

Chin resting on the back of the couch, his sad eyes held your own. “I don’t understand how you’re leaving already.” You said with a humorless chuckle seeping into the words. His hand reached out and entangled his fingers with yours. “I know.” 

Trying to put on a happier demeanor for him, you blinked rapidly, fighting back the depressed state pushing forward. “But, you will send me pictures and videos from everywhere you go, right?” 

Thumb brushing over the back of your hand, he nodded, a smile finally holding his lips. “Of course.” Your free hand came up, making his eyes lock with yours instead of the conjoined fingers. “I expect a souvenir from every stop.” Rolling his eyes, he laughed, but it died in his throat with a heavy swallow.

“Two from every stop.” Sighing, your hand swept the smooth skin, admiring his features in the lowlight of his living room. “I love you,” he whispered out. What could only be described as a heartbroken smile formed on your trembling lips. 

A sniffle emitting from you as you nodded. “I know,” his watery gaze met yours, expecting a response. One you didn’t want to give despite feeling it yourself. Knowing that if it fell from you, you wouldn’t be able to get through this period of time with him gone. 

“You leave early.” You spoke out, but Josh abruptly stood, hands landing on his hips in anger. “Why won’t you say it back to me?” His pained expression was a solid view of his emotions. Letting your head fall forward, your eyes shut. “Don’t do this, Josh.”

Scoffing at your reply, he began pacing, thinking out loud. “Is it just me that feels this? Am I a loon for saying it to you? Every time I say it to you, I only get that reply back! Do you not love me?” His tone grew more harsh, volume increasing. 

“That’s not it,” he looked bewildered at your frame sitting on his couch. “Then what is it? Because I don’t understand!” You stood from the couch, stepping back and letting your emotions take hold of your logical reasoning. 

“Just because you say you love me doesn’t change anything, Josh! Neither does me saying it back. Because at the end of the day, you are still going to leave and I’m still going to be here!” Your chin wobbled at your words, trying to catch your breath as Josh crossed the room to reach you. 

Pulling you into his embrace, your muffled words fell onto his ears as you sobbed. “I can’t say it and then you leave. I can’t do it,” his hands rubbed your back, feeling regret seep into his bones. “I know, I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. You don’t have to say it back to me. I’m sorry.” 

Josh left early the next morning. 

July-September

Summer is horrible. It’s too hot out to do anything past nine in the morning, bugs crawl out from the deepest pits of hell, and when you’re getting over a heartbreak, you want nothing to do with the outside world.

There was absolutely nothing monumental that happened over the remainder of summer. You concluded your required summer courses early and decided to take a part-time job at a bookstore to fill your time with something meaningful.

While you spent most of your days sulking around, Josh was having the time of his life on another world tour with his brothers. Or so he portrayed. 

He too was miserable without your constant company. It’s why he was texting you nearly every single day with updates on what he was doing, asking what your plans for the day were, and ending as many days as he could with a phone call to you to hear about how your day had been. 

Hearing your depleted tone on the phone was destroying him. Despite agreeing to remain friends, he had never struggled with something as much as he did with this. Trying to ask in nonchalant ways if you were seeing anyone whilst he was away. He made it clear to you more than once that he had no interest in seeing other people, but deep down, you weren’t sure if you bought it.

He was a grown man who had the world at his fingertips. Why would he not take advantage of that? Because it was Josh. When he knew that you were at home, he had no interest in anyone else. That was what you had become for him in such a short span of time.

Home.

October

Halloween was a great holiday. As a child, there was nothing easier than dressing as your favorite character from the previous year, walking your neighborhood, and getting free candy. Seriously, what could beat that? 

You didn’t care how nerdy you seemed, Star Wars was your favorite alternate universe to indulge in. Your best friend was notorious for throwing the best Halloween parties where everyone would dress up and enjoy the night. This year, your Ahsoka costume was literal movie quality. 

Being immensely proud of the work you had put in for this costume, you FaceTimed Josh, excited for him to see you in the full getup. Answering, but the screen being dark, you were ecstatic. “Joshy! Look, look!” Setting the phone on your dresser and stepping back, the closeup of his face was shocked.

“Holy shit! Well, your costume is much better than mine.” You giggled, asking to see his, but he shook his head. “No, the camera won’t do it justice. Just like I’m pretty certain yours looks even better in person.” 

When you went to respond, a knock sounded from your front door. “Hold on a second, Josh.” Walking over to the door and pulling it open, you stood rooted to your spot, jaw agape at who was standing there. 

“See, I told you, looks so much better in person.” A high pitch squeal left your throat, throwing yourself into his embrace. Savoring the feeling of his embrace, even if it was slightly altered due to his Jedi robes. Still in awe, you pulled back, taking the boy in before diving into questions.

“When the hell did you get here? When do you have to go back? Why are you here? Did you do this for me?” He laughed at the slew of queries, but answered them all. “About forty minutes ago. I had to change in the airplane bathroom, which was not easy by the way. I have a flight out of here tomorrow morning at six to be back for our show tomorrow night. Of course I’m here for you. You think I was going to miss this party and the chance to see your Ahsoka costume in person? You’re crazy.” 

Feeling tears well in your eyes, you smiled brightly at him. “This is the best surprise ever. Seriously, Josh, I can’t thank you enough. You didn’t have to do this.” He shrugged, playing it off like this monstrous favor for you was just another day in the books for him. 

“Come on, Ahsoka. We have a party to get to.” 

November

Why are the holiday’s always so incredibly stressful and busy? They’re supposed to be a time of relaxation and enjoyment spent with family. Yet here you were slaving away for a meal that was going to take less than twenty minutes for twenty people to consume. 

You wouldn’t have it any other way though. 

Flying home to spend Thanksgiving with your family had been a whirlwind of a time. Between classes, being bombarded with calls from your mother about an updated guest list for the holiday, and the job you refused to quit, you were stretched thin. 

So thin, that communication with Josh had been incredibly difficult. His schedule was so hectic and yours was almost never the same day by day, if you could ever catch each other to actually talk, it was rare.

Most of the updates you received were from various forms of social media and even then, they were few and far between. 

Standing in your parents kitchen, you poured the chocolate pie filling into the baked crust, trying to scrape the bowl for all its contents when your phone rang out from the counter behind you. Quickly, hitting accept, Josh’s cheery face filled your screen.

“Happy Thanksgiving, stardust!” You smiled, attention on smoothing out the chocolate for it to set properly in the fridge. “Happy Thanksgiving, globe trotter!” As you finished, a timer went off on the stove. “Mom, the turkey!” 

Josh’s amused chuckle rang out as your mom hustled into the kitchen. Her attention settled on the screen and her smile grew tenfold. “Hi Josh! Happy Thanksgiving, sweetie. Are you with your family? How’s your mom?” Your face burned as she chatted away with him like old pals. 

Grabbing the baster, you spread the juices over the bird as they spoke to one another, entirely ignoring you. Setting the pie in the fridge, you took the oven mitt, moving to place the turkey back in the oven. 

“Oh my goodness, you boys are so silly! Your poor mother has her hands full, I’ll tell you that.” You stared at your mom, holding the massive meat and tray in your arms. “Yes, mom and my hands are full as well. The oven door, please!” She jumped realizing the task she was supposed to be doing. 

When you turned back to the counter, your eye caught his, earning a wink from him as he spoke out again. “Well, I can clearly see you’re unbelievably busy, so I will let both of you young ladies go. Happy Thanksgiving!” Your moms cheeks burned at his endearing words, your eyes rolling at his cheesiness. 

“Bye Josh.” You waved as the call ended. “Gosh, he’s such a sweet boy.” 

Smiling to yourself, your mom turned her back, but you couldn’t help but notice your accelerated heartbeat as you thought of him. 

“Yeah, he’s alright.” 

December

Staring at the gift in pure wonderment, you had no idea how he had managed to do this. A first edition Little Critter book signed by Mercer Mayer with a personal inscription to you sat in your hands. 

The package had arrived on your doorstep this afternoon. Christmas Eve had rolled around in the blink of an eye. Josh’s Christmas gift to you had arrived today and he was adamant about you opening it the second you had it in your possession. 

Now, you had no idea what to do. “Do you like it? If not, I can get you something else. I just thought-” cutting him off mid panic thought, you stuttered through your own words. “This is the best gift I’ve ever received in my life, Josh. Ho-how did you do this?” His pink cheeks turned a deeper shade at your praise. 

“I know a guy who knows a guy. It wasn’t a big deal,” you shook your head, staring at the writing. “It’s a huge deal. I can’t thank you enough. Wow,” blinking away the tears, your bright smile glowed at him. “Okay, open yours!” 

Setting his phone up to give you a better view of his present unwrapping, you thought it was utterly adorable at how excited he was to be opening a present. When he pulled the items from the box, his eyes were blown wide, observing the materials with careful hands. 

Letting him take a moment to process, his head finally snapped up to see you waiting with baited breath for his response. “Do you like them?” You asked nervously. His head fell back down to the present, no words emitting from him. “I know you have a lot of art supplies, but I researched these and know they’re supposed to be fairly good. Getting them personalized might have been a bad call,” you trailed off, second guessing your decision.

His own design sat on the engraved leather front of the sketch pad. The pencils all had symbols created by him or that held inspiration for him. Paint brushes made of the best materials, wood carved handles with intricate designs. 

“I don’t, I just, these are,” he was stumbling over his words, blinking in rapid succession. Trying to piece together how long you had spent researching these items, specifically for him. Picking out each piece must have been meticulous work. Tracking down his previous designs that he had created over the years to create this for him. No one had ever put thought like this into a gift for him before.

He was fairly certain no one would ever again. It was ridiculously stupid how in love with you this man was. He just didn’t know what to do about it.

December 31

The countdown was being shouted by everyone in the room apart from you. Standing in the back of the room, you had never felt so alone. Deciding that resolutions needed to be kept smaller in order for you not to feel like a failure. 

In actuality, it had nothing to do with the resolution itself and everything to do with Josh. 

It made zero sense how fast you had fallen for him. How well you two clicked. A connection you didn’t know was possible had been kindled between you two. Seared into the depths of your soul, making an impression you would never be able to carve out. 

You knew how you felt about him and how he felt about you. That’s why standing by yourself on New Year’s Eve was such a punch to the gut. Knowing you had met the love of your life, but not being able to be with him was torture. 

Ten, nine, eight

A shaky exhale of breath escaped your inflated lungs. Burning with an acidity you despised. 

Seven, six, five

Not wanting to watch the countdown any longer, your eyes fell down to the floor.

Four, three

An arm wrapped around your waist, spinning you around into their embrace. 

Two, one, Happy New Year!

Lips you knew like the back of your hand collided into yours. Streamers, confetti, shouting took up the space around you, but it was like being in your own world. Like it was just the two of you. 

“Happy New Year, stardust.” Your glossy eyes held his gaze. “What’re you doing here?” Your voice was weak and strained, fighting the tears that were threatening to fall. “Like I would miss your favorite holiday? Come on, you know me better than that!”

Crushing yourself to him, you uttered a small thank you, but he laughed. “I actually just didn’t want to have to kiss Danny again tonight.” A wet laugh bubbled up as you wiped at your eyes. “Ah come on, give him more credit then that.” 

Shrugging, you stared at the man across from you and realized in that instant that you had in fact met someone special almost an exact year ago. Completing a resolution only two days into the New Year had to be a record. “I love you.” Josh nodded, a big Cheshire grin pulling his face taught. 

“Oh, I know. You don’t act out a Star Wars fantasy with just anyone.” You were ready to face a lifetime of these types of statements. As long as they were coming from him, you didn’t care. 

[wandering-winchesters]

When the Storm Clouds Roll in

Pairing: Dean x Reader Word Count: 3,100 Summary: On a particularly hard day, the reader relies on Dean for comfort. Trigger Warnings: Anxiety, Depression, slight mentions of suicidal ideation, self hatred, mentions of the loss of a loved one. Requested: Yes, by @roseblue373 A/N: This one struck a definite cord and I pulled from my personal experience with depression. If this resonates with you, please know you are not alone. As always, please let me know what you think. <3

Masterlist

From the moment I opened my eyes this morning, I knew it was going to be one of those days. The kind of days where any task seems completely insurmountable, impossible and overwhelming. Out of the 365 days in a year, this one was my favorite but the hardest, at least for the last four years. I have yet to convince myself to clamber out of bed, the warmth of the blankets too inviting and comforting to desire leaving. I continue to scroll through the pictures on my phone, reminiscing on the years past. I land on a picture of my family and I, taken shortly before one of my loved ones had passed away and tears spring to my eyes. It was their birthday today and all of the feelings that were bubbling within me were completely overwhelming. I sniff and wipe away the tears that had formed in my eyes. I draw in a deep breath and roll out of bed, landing on my toes. I decide against putting on real clothes, deciding that today is a laid back day anyways. I open the door to my room and glance down the hallway of the bunker, neither of the boys anywhere to be seen. I can hear music coming from the kitchen and I follow it, knowing that I would find Dean judging by the song that was playing. My suspicions are confirmed, when I round the corner and find Dean making eggs and bacon on the stove. The sight of him brings me immense comfort, something I would never admit out-loud but within the confines of my own mind its an accepted truth. He doesn’t notice me right away, his attention focused on the bacon in front of him. I open the fridge and he turns to look at me, his eyes crinkling in the way they do when he smiles. 

“Good morning sweetheart,” He says, taking a bite out of the bacon he had already finished cooking. His shirt stained from the grease spitting out of the pan. I look him over from head to toe and can’t help but give a small smile. 

“Ya know, if you didn’t cook the bacon on such a high temp, the grease wouldn’t splatter as much.” I tell him, deciding on a cup of tea to start my morning. I grab my favorite mug and the tea of my choice, before setting the water to boil. He dramatically rolls his eyes at me, mimicking me and repeating my words back in a high pitched tone. 

“Jerk.” I mumble, placing the tea bag into my mug and leaning back against the counter to wait for the water to boil.

“Bitch.” He shoots back, flipping the pieces of bacon still in the pan. He yelps when the grease pops and lands directly on his hand. I shake my head, a slight laugh leaving my throat as he discreetly turns the temperature down on the stove, following my earlier advice. Instead of commenting, I keep my mouth shut and pour the now hot water into my mug. 

“So,” He changes the subject, his eyes trained on me now, the bacon sizzling away in the background. “You up for a hunt today? Should be basic, couple of vamps a few towns away.” He offers me a piece of bacon, but I shake my head no. Hunger the furthest thing away from what I am feeling at the moment. 

“Uh, I don’t think so. I’ll hang back on this one, have some stuff I need to get done.” I look away from him, kicking an invisible piece of dirt on the tile floor. I can feel his eyes on me, his suspicions obvious on his face, hence why I won’t make eye contact with him. 

“What kind of stuff?” He presses, for whatever reason this rubs me the wrong way and I snap back at him, my words harsher than I meant them to be. 

“What’s with the twenty questions? I am an adult, I can stay behind if I want to.” I grumble, taking my tea and leaving Dean standing open mouthed, unsure what he did wrong. In reality, he didn’t do anything wrong. I just wouldn’t be able to keep myself together if I was to go on the hunt with them and I wouldn’t put them in danger like that. My inability to focus today, could not be the reason that one of the boys gets injured. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if that were the case. I walk into the library, deciding to spend my morning reading a book, in hopes of distracting myself from the sadness and grief trying to weasel their way past my internal walls. Sam is already in there, an old book carefully opened before him, his notebook open beside it. I give him a smile, hoping he doesn’t notice the tears attempting to break free.

“Hey Y/N, you coming along today?” He asks, his voice tired but he disguises it well behind the smile he’s wearing. I shake my head in response, not trusting my voice to function the way that I want it to. He looks slightly taken aback by my refusal, his eyes studying me carefully. It’s out of the ordinary for me to stay behind on a hunt, I am usually the first to volunteer. The chance to get out, learn and take out the creatures that roam the earth and harm people an opportunity I rarely pass up on. Sam doesn’t push me, but I can feel his questions lingering heavy in the air even though they are unspoken. I pull a book off the shelves and decide to return to the safety and quiet of my room. 

—

The boys leave for the hunt around noon, Dean poking his head into my room to verify one last time that I am not coming along with them. He looks disappointed and concerned when my answer remains the same. Even though there were tasks that I am behind on and that need completing, I can’t find it within me to actually do them. I have not left my bed since I climbed back in it after finishing my tea. My thoughts are becoming louder, harder to ignore to the point where I give in and let them overwhelm me. I could feel depression imminent, a large storm cloud looming at a distance waiting for the currents of wind to pick up and carry the storm in. The cloud is growing and the winds are picking up and there’s nothing I can do. The water around me is rising and I can’t swim. It feels like I am drowning. My lungs are restricted, not from water, but from my own thoughts and emotions.

Grief looms at the forefront, worthlessness and self hatred following close behind. Everything around me fades to the background, my brain fully incapacitated by the thoughts within my head, unable to focus on anything tangible. The pit in my stomach is growing and before I know it, tears are flowing down my cheeks. My chin is quivering and I feel like screaming, I slip out of my bed and sit on the cold hard floor. An attempt to ground myself, I place my head in my hands and rock myself gently. My heart hurt so much that it felt like I was going to die, unable to process just how to move forward, it felt impossible. It would be easier if I weren’t here, the burden I was to Sam and Dean would be lifted, they could go back to the way things were before they met me. They didn’t care about me anyways, it would be easier. What good am I to them anyways? I am worthless, I always slow them down on hunts, there’s nothing I can do that they can’t handle better without me tagging a long. I know that these feelings aren’t me speaking, its depression screaming. I have reasonable thoughts and unreasonable thoughts. The problem is that the reasonable side of my brain speaks in a whisper, unable to be louder. The unreasonable thoughts have a megaphone, unable to be ignored. 

The ache in my chest turns to a burn and the occasional tear turns into a constant stream. How do I recover from this? It has been years and yet the grief is still so fresh? What is wrong with me that I still cannot cope all of these years later? It’s pathetic. I feel pathetic. Good, you should feel pathetic. You’re worthless. The voice in my head is so loud, so cruel and completely debilitating. These thoughts continue to repeat, my brain a recording that is on repeat. Seconds turn to minutes, which turns to hours. I have no concept of time, I notice the darkening of the room around me but besides that I am numb to all of it. I am so entrapped within my thoughts that I don’t realize that I am no longer alone, the slight chatter of the Winchester brothers travels through the bunker, but it falls upon deaf ears.

The panic that I am entrapped in so all consuming. I don’t hear the refrigerator door slam, the clink of beer bottles or the footsteps approaching my room. I don’t hear the knock, or the gentle call of my name. Upon not hearing a response, Dean opens my door, surveying the scene before him. Unknown to me is the way his heart shatters at what he sees, something that I will not find out for years to come. I am blind to all of this, until I feel hands on my body, tugging me gently into an embrace. My sense are overwhelmed with the smell of cologne, beer and leather. Dean. His hands are on my waist, lifting me into place on his lap. I immediately sink into his touch, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my face in his jacket. So desperate for comfort, there is no space within me to be ashamed of my actions. I can hear him speaking, but I am still too worked up to focus on his words. He must be able to sense this, because he changes tactics. He slips a hand under the hem of my shirt, settling on my lower back, his fingers tracing patterns into my skin. Something he knows will calm me, because at another day and time, I had told him that was the fastest way to pull me out of my head. Skin on skin contact. He brings his other hand to the nape of my neck, his fingers gentle but firm as he angles my head so his lips can reach my forehead. He gingerly places kisses to the crown of my head, his lips still murmuring words of comfort. I begin to catch bits and pieces, you’re okay, I’ve got you. You’re safe, sweetheart. Just breathe. Words he continues to repeat until my shaking stops, my breathing calms and I am back in control of my body. 

“‘M sorry.” I breathe out, my shuttering inhale catching in my throat. He shushes me, his grip on me never letting up. 

“Don’t ever apologize for this, I just wish I could’ve been here for you. Has this been bugging you all day?” He asks, his voice deep and comforting. I nod against his shoulder, exhaustion washing over my body. My muscles aching from the position I had been in on the floor for hours. He lets out a sigh, pulling away from me ever so slightly so he can see my face. I avert my eyes from him, not wanting him to see how red my face is from crying. He doesn’t let me though, he tucks a finger under my chin and raises it until I meet his gaze. 

“Spill.” That one word is all it takes, a fresh wave of tears spills over, he wipes them all away with his fingertips. He’s patient with me, helping me regain my composure before I begin to speak. 

“I lost someone, a few years back and today would have been their birthday. It hit me incredibly hard this morning and ever since then, everything has just been crumbling around me. My depression has been all consuming, voicing my biggest fears and self doubts and- and, it just made everything seem unbearable.” My voice starts out strong, but by the end of my sentence it’s faltering. Deans hand strokes my lower back, his touch gentle but reassuring. 

“I’m so sorry, that is really hard to bear. What kind of thoughts, Y/N?” He asks, concern evident. I debate on being untruthful, hiding just how bad it had gotten from him. He notices my hesitation because he follows up his question with a plea for honesty, his voice never wavering. I nod and take another moment to choose my words. 

“I feel like a burden to you, worthless and just that- well that you and Sam would be better off without me.” Another tear rolls down my face and I quickly brush it away, shame seeping in over the feelings of self doubt and hatred. Being open and vulnerable was not one of my strengths and I fully expected Dean to laugh and reaffirm my darkest thoughts. He didn’t. His face fell, and I could see anguish written on his features. His lips were pulled into a tight, thin line. His breath catching in his chest, before he blew it out all at once. 

“Y/N, do you have those thoughts a lot?” He asks, his voice calm and his eyes catching my own once more. I shrug, fiddling with the tag on the back of his shirt where my hands had come to rest. 

“More often than not, deep down I know they’re not true, but it’s incredibly difficult to find solace in that.” I admit, my words flowing before I can stop them. He’s silent, for one minute then two. It begins to psych me out, my breathing hitching in my throat again. I shift my body, moving to climb off his lap and retreat into my shell once again. His hands stop me, firmly gripping my hips. 

“Don’t.” He pleads, and I meet his eyes for the first time in a few minutes and I’m caught off guard. Tears, he has tears in his vivid green eyes. I still and remain in his grasp, puzzled as to why he’s crying. 

“Sweetheart, I know that nothing I say can completely change the way you see yourself. Yet I can’t not say it.” He tucks his fingers beneath my chin once more, firmly holding my head in place. “You are the farthest thing from worthless, the fact that you think you’re replaceable breaks my heart. You are so incredibly valued by Sam and myself. The whole time we were gone, we were thinking of you. We were concerned about you. Do you think we’d do that if we didn’t love you and want you to be with us? I’m so sorry for the grief that you are still processing, it takes so long to come to terms with that and I am so proud of you for coming this far. It’s a difficult battle to face, everyday. If I could take all of this hurt from you, I would in a heartbeat.” His hand has moved from beneath my chin to cupping my face, his thumb stroking gently along my cheek. My eyes flutter closed, his touch filling a part of my soul that I didn’t know needed comfort. Tears begin to stream down my cheeks once again, stinging slightly as they rush over my raw skin. 

His touch is gentle as he wipes them away, the ache in my heart is easing ever so slightly as the time in his arms passes. 

“Dean?” I whisper, my words hanging heavy in my throat. 

“Yes, sweetheart?” I take a deep breath, my hands gripping his shoulders as I steady myself.

“Will you stay with me tonight? I’m afraid of what will happen if I am alone with my thoughts.” He agrees without hesitation, he lets me know he’s going to go grab a change of clothes but that he will return shortly. He stands, pulling me up with him. He instructs me to climb into bed and that he will be right back. 

I stand for a moment, dumb struck over our previous discussion, still shocked that he agreed to stay with me. 

He comes back a few minutes later, like he said he would. He smiles as he crosses into my room, a blanket and pillow tucked beneath his arm, his laptop clutched in the other. He kicks my door closed gently with his foot, dropping the bedding on the floor beside my bed. He sets the laptop on my bed. 

“Find a movie you want to watch, while I set up my bed.” He says, spreading the blanket out on my floor. He asks to borrow one of my mine and I hand him one of my favorites. He thanks me, before settling onto the floor. I find a movie I want to watch, some action movie that I know he will enjoy. 

The movie passes quickly and before I know it, his steady and even breathing is easily heard over the dialogue. He fell asleep, and suddenly loneliness is overwhelming once again. I contemplate what I should do, I should go to sleep like the adult I am supposed to be. However, there’s this tug in my heart that’s telling me to climb down next to Dean and curl up with him, once again. I give into the temptation and quietly sink onto the floor next to him, and burrow underneath the blanket he has wrapped around him. He quickly opens his arms for me and I wrap myself around him. He lips find my forehead and his sleep words catch me completely off guard. 

“I love you, sweet girl.” He whispers, his voice so soft I couldn’t tell if I’d imagined it. A question I’d have to save until morning. I pulled him closer and whispered back.

“I love you too, Dean.” It was his three words that washed away all of my doubt and self hatred. The grief and sadness too, while I know it won’t last forever. I am going to enjoy the emptiness within my thoughts while it lasts. I allow myself to drift off in his embrace and I hope that this will become a regular thing. 

[carochinha]

19 Questions for Fic Writers!

I got tagged by @storybookprincess, thank you so so so much!!!

1. How many fics do you have on AO3?

Roughly... 16. That's not bad. Quite a respectable number!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

328,674

Damn. That a lotta word. Wild to think a third of those words are from a single fic huh

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Bit of a lot of things. Hunter x Hunter and Daiya no Ace are my big ones, but I've also written for Kingdom Hearts, Haikyuu, Black Clover, Project Sekai and....... Homestuck.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

"A Very Hisoka Wedding" stands head and shoulders above anything else at 1,143 kudos, which is legit insane. This fic isn't close to being my best. It isn't close to being my most innovative. It isn't even the longest! And yet it has more Hits, Kudos and Bookmarks than anything else I've ever written. Wild. Following that, we have "(Country Roads, Take Me)Home for the Holidays" at 365, my actual magnum opus so far, "Kiss Me Once, Kiss Me Twice" at 321, a short Black Clover ficlet that somehow keeps getting love, "Weekend at Leorio's" at 295 and "Pink Love" at 256.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I used not to respond to comments, but in the past couple of years I've been trying to respond to every comment I get. I like getting responses to my comments when I post on other fics, so I also want people to get that happiness. Besides, it's only polite!

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

...what is angst, signed, a permanently happy ending girlie.

Anyway it's probably "Quadratum Has Pocky", a KH drabble I wrote for Pocky Day which did not leave me with a lot of space for happy endings.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Literally all of them LMAO

But I guess "Red Eyes, Take Warning", my HxHBB fic this year gets special mention by giving Kurapika, the fandom's tragic boy, a happily-ever-after.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Sometimes. Home for the Holidays got a couple of comments once we got to the spicy part about how I should have tagged which character topped. That was wild. I'm talking like, HUGE paragraphs.

But not usually, no.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I did once! It was the vanillaest M/M ever written, but I sure did write it!

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I do really like inter-sports-anime crossovers. I once wrote a Haikyuu x Daiya no Ace ficlet that was quite fun!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not since I was 15 doing it myself translating my terrible Digimon fics into English lmao.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Favourite is a complicated word. All-time, however, isn't.

I've been an Akuroku girlie since 2005 and by GOD I will persist.

(the ship I most wish would become canon, however, is also from KH, but it's Soriku, which I've never even written about.....yet)

14. What’s a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

My Hunter x Hunter Praxis AU.

Huge AU, spanning five years, each of which focusing on a different set of characters, with highly specific references to a highly specific university culture from my country that like two people reading would understand. It's also technically a Reincarnation AU.

Yeah I'm never getting that written.

15. What are your writing strengths?

Apparently, characterization and making my character actions and plots seem believable in the context of canon. Which is good, because I really do strive for character voice matching the original, so I'm happy with this assessment by my readers LMAO

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

DESCRIBING ACTION.

If I ever have to write an action scene, I just don't. There is no combat in my fics, not because I dislike it, but because I can't write it lol.

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Have done it. Will continue doing it when I find it appropriate. Helps when the POV character also isn't supposed to understand the language, because then you're just on the same page :D

18. First fandom you wrote for?

Digimon Adventure my beloved <3

(the fics themselves are also beloved, because although they're bad, I can see where I came from and how that shaped me into the writer I am today. My bad fics are a part of me and my journey just as much as my 100k word epics are.)

19. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Pausing + looking off into the distance.

You do realize this is an impossible question?

All the fics for me are... connections, within myself and with the people around me. Writing each one was a battle of finding the right words within me, the joy of sharing little snippets with friends, asking for help and bouncing off ideas. Listening to music and building the plot in my head as I walk, thinking about it as I fall asleep. Pouring my longing, my affection, my grief, and my hopes into these words, trying to connect with whoever will read them.

So I guess I'll say it's "All The Things He Said". It's the first fic I wrote for Daiya no Ace, a fandom I knew no one in. And I needed a beta. Trying to find that beta actually led me to finding one of my best friends, so I'm very thankful to this fic.

Anyway, tagging people! I'll tag @wingsonghalo because she had to read my bad Digimon fic and @tomioneer because of all I said in the last question!

[secretmellowblog]

hi! hello!! i have been listening to the les mis soundtrack for almost 5 years now, but im just starting to delve into the fandom: im attempting to read the brick (i tried but it's very long), and within the past 2 days i have watched 2/3 of the movies i could find (including ofc the 2012 one which was. interesting.) do you have any advice or things i should know or places i should start with the fandom? even people to follow? im asking you bc multiple in depth posts of yours have shown up in the les mis tag, but please feel free to direct me to someone else or ignore me if that's easier. thank you sm, even just for reading this

Hi, thanks for your ask! I'm always happy to help :D The first thing is that there's currently a "Dracula Daily" style readalong of Les Mis happening, called "Les Mis Letters." It emails out one of the 365 chapters of Les Mis every day for a year, starting January 1st of this year, and is a lot like a big book club (or "brickclub.") It's still not too late to catch up if you binge read a bit! We're currently at the "Who Am I"/Valjean rescuing the person mistaken for him part of the book. :3 It might be a nice way to read the Brick for the first time, since people are going through the book chapter by chapter and discussing it. You can find the Les Mis Letters subscription here:

And the discord server here:

(Although the tag/server are a bit less active now that we're a few months in!)

As for blog recommendations: I already made a Masterpost of some active Les Mis blogs I recommend checking out! Here's that post, there are bunch of great blogs on it:

Two additional blogs I didn't mention in that post--because they've only started becoming more active recently -- are @dolphin1812 who writes great chapter-by-chapter meta for Les Mis Letters, and @pureanonofficial who's been making great gifsets of different Les Mis adaptations inspired by Les Mis Letters! :3

If you want a general overview/map of what the fandom looks like and things you should probably know...I recommend @pilferingapples post here. The big things are that the book is nicknamed "the Brick" (for obvious reasons XD.) So if you see people talking about "the brick" or "Brickclub" or something being "brick-inspired"/"based on the Brick" that's a way saying it's discussion of the book rather than the musical. The Les Mis fando on tumblr/a03 is geeeeeenerally loosely split into the "Old Men fandom" and the "Les Amis Fandom." The Old Men fandom focuses on Valjean and Javert, with lots Valjean/Javert shipping-- the "Les Amis Fandom" focuses on Les Amis, Cosette, Marius, and Eponine, with lots of shipping between everyone but especially between Enjolras/Grantaire. There are also other smaller minifandoms of people really into obscure historical stuff, usually either the history of rebellion or the history of the French prison system /police force, but the "Old Men vs Les Amis" is the biggest divide imo. And in my experience most of the fanfic (and there is a lot of fanfic!) is based on the musical characterization/collective internet fanon rather than the Brick. But there are Some brick-focused fanfics out there! (and they're always my favorites alksdjflksdjf.) There's also a subset of the Les Amis fandom people call the "collective modern AU fanon universe." Basically back in 2012 when the movie came out, lots of people got super into shipping Enjolras and Grantaire, partially because the actor who played Grantaire posted a video of himself singing a love song he'd altered to be about Grantaire/Enjolras. People gradually invented a collective fanon AU of what things would be like if Les Amis lived in the modern day. These modern AUs became so popular that they kind of became the norm, and people assumed your Les Amis fics would be modern AUs even if you didn't tag them that way. There are lots of people who got into Les Mis through the collecive fanon universe more than any adaptation. So what I'm saying is the "Les Amis Modern AU' world is basically an entire Goncharov'ed fanon universe of its own. It has its own tropes, characterizations, headcanons for different characters' appearances/genders, etc etc etc. There have been multiple microbudget webseries and comics based on the collective modern AU universe. It's been around for so long that I think it's normal but I imagine it can be kinda confusing to someone who's new to the fandom XD. And that's pretty much all I can think of! : D But yeah the Les Mis fandom is very fun

[ferociousconscience]

Hey there dear Sir!

I've recently felt the urge to get obsessed with yet another thing and have decided that Les Mis does look quite interesting, so I wanted to ask where you would suggest one starts getting into it, there's a bunch of movie adaptations that have released within the past almost century, are there any outliers that are particularly good? Do you have a favorite play of it that you can recommend watching, if it is to be found somewhere in the depths of the Internet? Any input is appreciated really!

A wonderful day to you

a friend, enemy and lover

Good sir!!!! My friend! My enemy! My lover! You want to get into Les Mis!! This is an admirable endeavor and I wish you the best of luck. You have at your feet 161 years of love, fandom, and adaptation to dive into, which in truth is my favorite part of les mis. I will answer this ask in some semblance of order. Have a look under this readmore!! (karate chop motions)

I often think of the question of where would be a good way to start too. I myself got into it in a weird way. I tried to read it when I was young and had energy to devour huge books, but the translation I got was honestly abysmal and hard to read. I put it down pretty quickly. Later, I was part of a theater troupe for a handful of years, and while we never end up doing les mis (our director hated mainstream musicals LOL), I was pretty immersed in the fandom after the 2012 film came out, left the fandom after much lurking, and only rejoined recently after reading the book again. (Different translation this time!) I do think that for the general public, the musical is a great starting point, even if it changes a lot and musicals can be a hard sell for a lot of people. HOWEVER, I do not think the 2012 film is a good adaptation in any sense, and I do not think anyone should start there. This is perhaps a controversial opinion, but I do genuinely believe that one should avoid it at the start for various reasons. In the interest of keeping this reply short I'll save my opinions on the 2012 version for now. If you do want to get into the musical, a 4K re-upscale of the 10th Anniversary Concert is free on youtube (tho it is cut down, an older version of the present day musical which has many revisions, and lacks a lot of staging because it is a concert as opposed to an actual stage production). I think this version has a fantastic cast with talented performers. Also free on youtube is the admittedly kind of silly and yet still very compelling 1978 film, a non-musical cinematic version which is near and dear to my heart,. It also cuts down a looooot, drastically changes the ending, and is more focused on the Valjean and Javert side of things. As for the particularly good ones, I have answered that in a recent ask. Please do take a look there, and I hope it answers your question! Generally the older french adaptations are better and more faithful, lol. If you cannot find a particular adaptation of les mis, feel free to DM me, and I will either send you files, torrents, or I will hunt them down for you myself. As always, feel free to DM me here or on Discord (username is @vondieerde). I can also recommend reading the book once you feel you have a good grip of the story and you want more! So much more!!! Please do, though it is sort of a monolith (we in the fandom call it "The Brick" because you can make a sturdy house with copies of it lol). I will firmly state that I think the Julie Rose translation is the best, and can also really really recommend the Audiobook of it narrated by George Guidall, who has a wonderful voice and is a natural storyteller. If you were to read the book, reading one chapter a day (the chapters are pretty bite-sized), you would be done in exactly a year, 365 days (funny how that works out). I would love to do a book club style discussion of any chapters you read, should you really want to sink your teeth into the story and learn as much as you can. I've spent the last few years studying the heck out of the book and I want to talk to as many people I can about this thing I've fallen in love with again. message me on discord you fool i know who you are

[delta-magnetic]

am saying twas tagged by @bjonka ! havent done this one in a while so heeheehoohoo :3

What book are you currently reading? not reading YET but i finally got my hands on The Storyteller and i am so damn ready to read it

What's your favorite movie you saw in theaters this past year? bestie i did not go to a movie theater at all in the past 365 days lol

What do you usually wear? band/graphic t-shirts, lounge pants or jeans, n tennis shoes

How tall are you? 5'2"!

What's your Star Sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or historical event? Virgo and I am exactly one year older than the (Japan) release of the Nintendo Gamecube!

Do you go by your name or your nickname? i usually prefer jennifer, but am very ok with my friends calling me jebby/jeb or any sort of bastardization of my name lol (my favorite still being jender bender)

Did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child? oh heck no honey lol, i wanted to be a veterinarian as a child

Are you in a relationship? If not who is your crush if you have one? no relationship and no crush! i do find a lot of people attractive and think "omg what if i asked them out" (clearly gay mall cashier who called me honey today, hi helo) but then i remember i am nervous, NOT in a place to date rn, and ace lol. that last one doesn't mean i won't ever be in a relationship, but i know i best find another ace if i want any chance and and my boundaries respected

What's something you're good at and something you're bad at? girl we could be here a WHILE on that last part, but some something i'm good at uhhhh befriending cats

Dogs or cats? love both but cats!

What's your favorite piece that you've created this year? i do NOT make art lol

What's something you would like to create content for? content? who's she i don't know her

What's something you're currently obsessed with? [chugging riff] RAMMSTEIN

What's something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this past year? previous semester of college

What's a hidden talent of yours? does turning my feet completely sideways count as a talent lol

Are you religious? nope!

What's something you wish to have at this moment? self confidence lol

i'll tag @fluffonthefloor @mini-uzzy and whoever else wants to do this :D!

[twerkformammon2]

Home

Obey Me Brothers x MC

Author’s Note: My original blog was terminated, this is my original work I recovered!

365 days had passed quickly. 

It was the last day of the student exchange program, and Lord Diavolo decided to throw a grand going away party. You had spent nearly all day with Asmo, he insisted on finding the perfect outfit for tonight and wanted to have one last spa day with you.

“MC, isn’t this just great? I could stay in here forever.” He sinks deeper into the flower bath, cucumbers sitting perfectly on his eyes. 

“I have to admit, this is pretty relaxing,” you giggle. “Especially with all of the running around we’ve been doing.” You had already eaten your cucumber slices - no doubt a bad habit picked up from Beel. You took a deep breath in, letting the floral scent intoxicate your lungs, trying to forget that tonight would be the end. 

And just like that, all relaxation was gone. A commotion could be heard from outside the room.

“Huh, I wonder what’s going on,” you ponder.

“Sir, you can’t go in there -” an employee says.

“Asmo, you son of a bitch!” Satan barges in. 

“Dear brother ~ Do you want to take a dip too?” Asmo taunts as he pulls the cucumber slices off.

“I can’t believe you stole MC away! They’ve been gone nearly all day!”

“We were shopping, you’ll see them at the party.”

“No, come on MC, I want to spend time with you too.” The look on Satan’s face was nearly heartbreaking. You didn’t like goodbyes, maybe subconsciously you had been avoiding everyone so it would never happen. 

“Okay, just wait outside while I get dressed.” You look at Asmo. “No peeking.”

He covered his eyes, and you quickly got dressed. 

“I’ll see you at home?”

“Of course ~”

***

You and Satan went to a bookstore, there was a small bakery attached to it. The smell of freshly baked goods and the serenity of the air was comforting - being around Satan was comforting. 

“So, how did you know where to find me?” 

“Asmo posted pictures on devilgram. That’s his favorite bath-house, so of course he’d take you there today.”

You hummed in agreement, your fingers tracing the spine of books as you two walked past the shelves. 

“Is this your favorite bookstore?” A small blush creeps onto his face.

“One of my favorites, yes.” 

“Any last recommendations?” 

Satan grins taking your hand to lead you to a more obscure area of the bookstore. The books become more odd looking, and the mood shifts ominously. He grabs a small book, the title reads, Death of the Three Worlds.

“It’s fictional, but has an abundance of historical accuracies about all three worlds. It’s a good read, I’ll buy it for you to take...home.” He hesitates. You look up at him and smile.

“I’d love that. Thank you.”

Side by side, you both walk towards the cashier; you decide to check out the bakery before leaving. There, you spot a familiar ginger and his twin. 

You rush over to them in excitement. 

“Hey guys!”

“MC!” Beel exclaims with a stuffed face.

“Hey MC,” Belphie says less enthusiastically but with a smile on his face nevertheless. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I’m here with Satan. He’s buying a book for me, I just wanted to check this bakery out real quick.” 

“Here.” Beel holds up a puff pastry filled with jam, nearly jamming it in your face. You open your mouth up slightly.

“Ahh - mm. It’s good.” Some jam dirties the corner of your mouth, you go to wipe it off but Beel cuts you off, licking it instead. Your face turns beet red.

“You can’t just do that in public, Beel!” 

Belphie nods in agreement.

“Ah - sorry, I couldn’t help it.” 

“Anyway, I should buy a treat for Satan. What do you think he’d like?”

“Cupcakes, cheesecake, danish, doughnuts -”

“Beel, that’s what you like,” sighs Belphie. “Nothing too sweet. He doesn’t care for it.”

You nod in consideration and buy him a croissant. By the time you walk back to the table, Satan is sitting there patiently for you. You hand him the croissant, and he hands you the bag with the book in it. 

“Thanks, MC.” 

***

By the time you got back to the House of Lamentation there were only a few hours before the party would start. You knew Asmo would want to start getting ready soon. Racing to the stairs and looking through your phone, you bump into Levi - who was also not paying attention. You fall flat on your back, Levi hovering over you with both hands beside your head and one knee in between your legs. He would’ve been mad had it been anyone else, but seeing it was you he began blabbering. 

“THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT ONE ANIME, I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION AND NEITHER WAS MY CRUSH AND WE RAN INTO EACH OTHER NOW I’M ON TOP OF THEM IN AN INTIMATE POSITION.” 

“Oh really? I haven’t seen that one yet.” You smile, while gently pushing him into a sitting position. 

“It’s okay, a little too predictable to me.”

“Predictable? I thought you didn’t like surprises, Levi?”

“Well - yeah - not in real life, but in anime I don’t want to guess what’s going to happen!” He huffs and looks to the side. “So when are we going to watch that new anime? I mean - I know you leave tonight but you said you wanted to see it…”

“I do want to see it! But...I’m running out of time. I’m sorry, I just don’t have time tonight.”

“Yeah, sure.” He slumps his shoulders, hands in pockets, and heads back upstairs to his room.

You sigh, hoping to make it up to him somehow.

***

Due to Asmo, you were late to the party. He called it fashionably late - you called it rude. You would have to apologize profusely to Lucifer once you saw him. But instead, you saw a rambunctious demon coming towards you - your first man. 

“MC! I haven’t seen you all day!” He pouts; he looks you up and down. “You look a-amazing.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry, Mammon. I’ve just been busy trying to spend time with everyone.”

“You’re telling me I’m the last person?!”

“Well, technically no, I haven’t seen Lucifer - but, let’s not focus on that. I just want to have fun with you tonight!”

“Of course you do, I’m the Great Mammon! C’mon, let’s dance!”

You spent the night dancing and laughing with Mammon - occasionally his other brothers would steal you away for dances, but he always found you and stole you back. The night was coming to an end, you could feel it in your soul that it was almost times up.

“Mammon - I’m having so much fun.”

“I am too!” He twirled you in his arms.

“I have to find Lucifer.” Slowly you both stop dancing, and he stares deep into your eyes.

“Okay, just come back to me?” He questions rather than states. You nod your head. 

***

It shouldn’t have been too hard to find Lucifer, you figured wherever Lord Diavolo was he would be. But that wasn’t the case. 

“Lord Diavolo, have you seen Lucifer?” You ask desperately.

“He went outside, he said he needed to breathe.” He eyes you carefully. “I haven’t seen him this distraught in a long time.”

You thank him and rush outside, you could suddenly feel how suffocating the ballroom was, packed with demons dancing. You see his silhouette, he’s looking away. Suddenly all of the emotions of the day rush to you; everything that you had been holding in wanted to come out. 

“Lucifer!” You cry out, tears streaming down your face. He turns at the mention of his name. You rush to him, arms extended - he opens his, and engulfs you in his embrace. 

“MC...Why are you crying?” You look away in embarrassment, but he holds your face gently in his hands wiping away the tears with his thumbs.

“I-I don’t want to go. This is my home. Your brothers. You - you’re my home.” A small smile is placed on his face.

“MC, you’re my home, too.”

[thepropertylovers]

My Goals and Intentions for the New Year

The air is different at the beach in the winter.

It’s still unseasonably warmer than it is back home, but it’s extra breezy and cooler, like a warm embrace or a light sweater wrapped around your shoulders. I never thought I would want to spend any amount of time in January at the beach, mostly because I’m still in cozy hygge mode and want to live in turtlenecks and cardigans all day instead of sun, shorts, and t-shirts. But nonetheless, we had to come down so PJ can set things up to finish the renovation of the beach shack so that we can hopefully stay in it this summer, so here we are!

Starting the new year off at the beach somehow feels right, weirdly enough. It feels like a breath of fresh air and I’m taking it all in one big gulp at a time. The kids of course love it down here, and though PJ and I were both hesitant about how we would feel once we finally got down here (he, too, was still in complete winter mode), we’re so happy we came. It feels great to get out of the house and spend a little time in one of our favorite places, no matter that it’s 70 degrees in January.

At the start of every new year, I find myself filled with so much gratitude for having made it another year on this planet. Equally so, I feel so thankful that my family is here, safe and healthy for another 365 days. I am very big on New Year’s Resolutions and we do our “words of the year” on the chalkboard wall in our kitchen, but I wanted to leave it here while it’s still fresh in my mind what my goals are for 2023, starting with my mantra or motto for the year:

Choose kindness

I know. Cliche and you’ve probably heard it a million times, but I’m embracing the cheesiness of it all and jumping in head first. I want to choose kindness in everything I do this year: With my family, my friends, myself. I want to put others first while being mindful of myself in the process. I want to do tasks for the ones I love and help them in any way that I can, while also helping myself. I want to give others grace and cut everyone a little slack, much more so than I would have in the past, while also giving myself some grace when I make mistakes.

Along with choosing kindness this year, the below is what I also want to focus on for the next 12 months:

Read more. Books, magazines, columns, blogs. I love reading and want to get back to how I used to read when I was little, which was, in short, a lot more than I do now.

Write more. I plan to write in the blog as much as I can and really work on my writing abilities because I enjoy it so much, and who knows? Maybe there will be a book sometime in the future (a dream!!).

Drink less. I am starting this ASAP with Dry January!

Do something I’ve never done before. Wallpaper a room in our house by myself? Start writing a book? The possibilities are endless!

Get more involved with helping refugees. We have worked with USA for UNHCR for 3 years now, but I would love to take our work with them to the next level. I love everything they stand for in helping the most vulnerable and I am looking forward to continuing working with them this year.

Not worrying so much about what people think. As much as I hate to admit it, I do care, to a certain extent, what those online think about me. I mean, we all do at times, right? Social media is our job but I have never been very comfortable talking directly to the camera on IG Stories, so I am going to work on this year just documenting whatever is happening and not worrying about what people are going to think of what’s coming out of my mouth or if I look dumb. Somehow just writing that down already just feels so much better.

Not caring so much about social media. Along with the above, I also want to stop worrying so much about numbers and statistics and analytics. I will always have to, to a certain extent, because, again, it’s our job and how we make al living, but the last few years I have been so in my head about it all. I want to spend more time focusing on what’s happening in real life, because that’s truly the stuff that matters in the end.

Remember that it’s more about wholeness, not necessarily happiness. Life has so many ups and downs. The only consistent thing is that it’s never consistent, no matter how much we wish it were. I will do my best to remember that all of life’s mishaps only had to the wholeness of my life, which in turn, helps create a much more full, well-rounded life experience.

If I think of any other ones, I will be sure to update them here. I am so excited about all the possibilities the new year brings and I can’t wait to see where 2023 takes our family!! Hope your 2023 is off to a good start!

[canonicallyanxious]

so every year i make what i call a 365 playlist which in theory is a playlist i add at least one song a day to but in practice is just a playlist i throw whatever music i'm currently into whenever i feel like it, and then at the end of the year i prune the playlist back down to 365 songs and it basically serves as a personal recap of the year in Vibes and music discoveries; this is, probably unsurprisingly, my favorite yearly tradition

anyway 2023 marks the fifth year i will have been making them so i thought it would be fun to share the 365 playlists i've finished so far and do a quick recap of the first/last songs of the past few years as a kind of benchmark post, pls enjoy these yearly vibes!

365 (2019)

First song: Wash - Floor Cry

Last song: Exeunt - The Oh Hellos

366 (2020)

First song: Loyal - ODESZA

Last song: Between Two Points (Ambient Version) - The Glitch Mob, Superposition

365 (2021)

First song: This Year - The Mountain Goats [wow i sure wonder why this was the song i went with for this particular year lol]

Last song: Home - Blackmill [actually the real last song i have for this year is no longer available on spotify and i can't find a real record of it anywhere and thus no proof it ever actually existed which seems appropriate somehow]

365 (2022)

First song: I Don't Wanna Talk (I Just Wanna Dance) - Glass Animals

Last song: killer tune kills me - KIRINJI, YonYon

365 (2023) [please note that it is the first day of the year and so this playlist is currently a barren wasteland. check back in like a few months or something idk]

First song of the year: What You Know - Two Door Cinema Club

Last song of the year: TBA!

[twerkformammon1]

Home

Obey Me brothers x GN!MC, Lucifer x GN!MC

Summary: MC’s last day in the Devildom.

Author’s Note: Re-posting my work since my orginal blog was deleted. 

365 days had passed quickly. 

It was the last day of the student exchange program, and Lord Diavolo decided to throw a grand going away party. You had spent nearly all day with Asmo, he insisted on finding the perfect outfit for tonight and wanted to have one last spa day with you.

“MC, isn’t this just great? I could stay in here forever.” He sinks deeper into the flower bath, cucumbers sitting perfectly on his eyes. 

“I have to admit, this is pretty relaxing,” you giggle. “Especially with all of the running around we’ve been doing.” You had already eaten your cucumber slices - no doubt a bad habit picked up from Beel. You took a deep breath in, letting the floral scent intoxicate your lungs, trying to forget that tonight would be the end. 

And just like that, all relaxation was gone. A commotion could be heard from outside the room.

“Huh, I wonder what’s going on,” you ponder.

“Sir, you can’t go in there -” an employee says.

“Asmo, you son of a bitch!” Satan barges in. 

“Dear brother ~ Do you want to take a dip too?” Asmo taunts as he pulls the cucumber slices off.

“I can’t believe you stole MC away! They’ve been gone nearly all day!”

“We were shopping, you’ll see them at the party.”

“No, come on MC, I want to spend time with you too.” The look on Satan’s face was nearly heartbreaking. You didn’t like goodbyes, maybe subconsciously you had been avoiding everyone so it would never happen. 

“Okay, just wait outside while I get dressed.” You look at Asmo. “No peeking.”

He covered his eyes, and you quickly got dressed. 

“I’ll see you at home?”

“Of course ~”

***

You and Satan went to a bookstore, there was a small bakery attached to it. The smell of freshly baked goods and the serenity of the air was comforting - being around Satan was comforting. 

“So, how did you know where to find me?” 

“Asmo posted pictures on devilgram. That’s his favorite bath-house, so of course he’d take you there today.”

You hummed in agreement, your fingers tracing the spine of books as you two walked past the shelves. 

“Is this your favorite bookstore?” A small blush creeps onto his face.

“One of my favorites, yes.” 

“Any last recommendations?” 

Satan grins taking your hand to lead you to a more obscure area of the bookstore. The books become more odd looking, and the mood shifts ominously. He grabs a small book, the title reads, Death of the Three Worlds.

“It’s fictional, but has an abundance of historical accuracies about all three worlds. It’s a good read, I’ll buy it for you to take...home.” He hesitates. You look up at him and smile.

“I’d love that. Thank you.”

Side by side, you both walk towards the cashier; you decide to check out the bakery before leaving. There, you spot a familiar ginger and his twin. 

You rush over to them in excitement. 

“Hey guys!”

“MC!” Beel exclaims with a stuffed face.

“Hey MC,” Belphie says less enthusiastically but with a smile on his face nevertheless. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I’m here with Satan. He’s buying a book for me, I just wanted to check this bakery out real quick.” 

“Here.” Beel holds up a puff pastry filled with jam, nearly jamming it in your face. You open your mouth up slightly.

“Ahh - mm. It’s good.” Some jam dirties the corner of your mouth, you go to wipe it off but Beel cuts you off, licking it instead. Your face turns beet red.

“You can’t just do that in public, Beel!” You squeel.

Belphie nods in agreement.

“Ah - sorry, I couldn’t help it.” 

“Anyway, I should buy a treat for Satan. What do you think he’d like?”

“Cupcakes, cheesecake, danish, doughnuts -”

“Beel, that’s what you like,” sighs Belphie. “Nothing too sweet. He doesn’t care for it.”

You nod in consideration and buy him a croissant. By the time you walk back to the table, Satan is sitting there patiently for you. You hand him the croissant, and he hands you the bag with the book in it. 

“Thanks, MC.” 

***

By the time you got back to the House of Lamentation there were only a few hours before the party would start. You knew Asmo would want to start getting ready soon. Racing to the stairs and looking through your phone, you bump into Levi - who was also not paying attention. You fall flat on your back, Levi hovering over you with both hands beside your head and one knee in between your legs. He would’ve been mad had it been anyone else, but seeing it was you he began blabbering. 

“THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT ONE ANIME, I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION AND NEITHER WAS MY CRUSH AND WE RAN INTO EACH OTHER NOW I’M ON TOP OF THEM IN AN INTIMATE POSITION.” 

“Oh really? I haven’t seen that one yet.” You smile, while gently pushing him into a sitting position. 

“It’s okay, a little too predictable to me.”

“Predictable? I thought you didn’t like surprises, Levi?”

“Well - yeah - not in real life, but in anime I don’t want to guess what’s going to happen!” He huffs and looks to the side. “So when are we going to watch that new anime? I mean - I know you leave tonight but you said you wanted to see it…”

“I do want to see it! But...I’m running out of time. I’m sorry, I just don’t have time tonight.”

“Yeah, sure.” He slumps his shoulders, hands in pockets, and heads back upstairs to his room.

You sigh, hoping to make it up to him somehow.

***

Due to Asmo, you were late to the party. He called it fashionably late - you called it rude. You would have to apologize profusely to Lucifer once you saw him. But instead, you saw a rambunctious demon coming towards you - your first man. 

“MC! I haven’t seen you all day!” He pouts; he looks you up and down. “You look a-amazing.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry, Mammon. I’ve just been busy trying to spend time with everyone.”

“You’re telling me I’m the last person?!”

“Well, technically no, I haven’t seen Lucifer - but, let’s not focus on that. I just want to have fun with you tonight!”

“Of course you do, I’m the Great Mammon! C’mon, let’s dance!”

You spent the night dancing and laughing with Mammon - occasionally his other brothers would steal you away for dances, but he always found you and stole you back. The night was coming to an end, you could feel it in your soul that it was almost times up.

“Mammon - I’m having so much fun.”

“I am too!” He twirled you in his arms.

“I have to find Lucifer.” Slowly you both stop dancing, and he stares deep into your eyes.

“Okay, just come back to me?” He questions rather than states. You nod your head. 

***

It shouldn’t have been too hard to find Lucifer, you figured wherever Lord Diavolo was he would be. But that wasn’t the case. 

“Lord Diavolo, have you seen Lucifer?” You ask desperately.

“He went outside, he said he needed to breathe.” He eyes you carefully. “I haven’t seen him this distraught in a long time.”

You thank him and rush outside, you could suddenly feel how suffocating the ballroom was, packed with demons dancing. You see his silhouette, he’s looking away. Suddenly all of the emotions of the day rush to you; everything that you had been holding in wanted to come out. 

“Lucifer!” You cry out, tears streaming down your face. He turns at the mention of his name. You rush to him, arms extended - he opens his, and engulfs you in his embrace. 

“MC...Why are you crying?” You look away in embarrassment, but he holds your face gently in his hands wiping away the tears with his thumbs.

“I-I don’t want to go. This is my home. Your brothers. You - you’re my home.” A small smile is placed on his face.

“MC, you’re my home, too.”

[ashotofhelena]

2024

Dwelling on the past... perhaps my favorite December pastime. There is truly nothing more I enjoy than writing down my thoughts regarding the past 365 days, and what I am looking forward to the next 365 days.

Well, it happened. My theory of odd years being better has officially been disproven. I came into 2023 feeling excited, hopeful that it is finally an odd year -- things will finally grow and change for me. And to be clear, I do think 2023 was a year of personal growth. I definitely learned so much about myself, my needs, what I want to focus on in the future.

Yet, it was definitely not a year of change. While I would not say I feel stagnant, I also definitely did not create the changes I wanted to in 2023. Again, I find myself in the same job, the same relationship status, the same mindset. I don't think there is anything wrong, per se, with no changes, but I also am actively craving things that I didn't achieve this year. I guess that is why I feel like 2023 was a down year for me -- I had all these high hopes and expectations for change that never materialized.

Reading back on my 2023 entry, I wanted the year to be the year of change. That didn't happen. Perhaps it was the way I interacted with the world that did not bring the change; perhaps it was the way I overthought things with myself that led to another year of slight melancholy. But with the fresh start of 2024, I absolutely do want to strive for the changes I desire, and make it imperative that I achieve those changes.

2024 will be the year of focus, self-care, and abundance. Instead of leaning into change itself, I feel like focusing on my mindset will help me to gravitate towards the change I want. So with that, here are my resolutions for the year.

Dating and adopting an open mind to meeting new people. I am making this the priority goal for me in 2024. I have never really desired needing a partner, and while I still don't think I need someone else, I do find myself wanting to meet someone who truly sees me for who I am, and want to experience life with me. As a way to quantify this -- I am going to try going on 2 first dates a months.

Hard 31! I refuse to do the full Hard 75 but I am committed to doing Hard 31 in January (give or take the weekend I am in Austin). My version will be 31 days long, no alcohol, working out 1 hour everyday, eating out once a week only, no processed carbs or sugar while eating in, reading 10-15 minutes a day, and going to bed by 11:30pm every night. Let's see how I do...

Run 1K miles. I am committed to doing the 9+1 this year and that means a lot of running! With that, I am going to up my annual goal back up to 1K and hoping to go even beyond that. Running has been up and down for me this year so I really want 2024 to be the year I relearn to enjoy it consistently.

Read 30 books. Similar to last year, I want to focus on books mostly by BIPOC and underrepresented groups authors. Having diverse consumption brings so much value to me and I really enjoyed learning from the books I have read from those authors this year.

Do more pilates, yoga and weight lifting. With the running, I am hoping to add in other types of workout classes. I think I will do 2 classes a week of a mix of the 3 types above.

Financial planning. This one is big - the older the get, the more I realize I value financial security. Taking the time tomorrow to get some financials in order, and then continue to manage it via YNAB / Mint over time.

Look for a new job. 2023 was professionally a rollercoaster. On one hand, I love the work I do, my manager & team, and the products I get to work on. On the other hand, the company has shown that they may not care as much about their employees as I thought. I am also in a stage of my life where I am really valuing career growth and pay, which is something I am not sure my current role will give me. I wouldn't leave for just any job, but I am going to spend the time looking for roles that fit and will get me to the next level of my career.

Journal consistently every day. I started journaling this year and it has been so helpful, but I think I would get even more value if I did it everyday and wrote down my general feelings for the day. Take the time to do this on a daily basis.

Actually look into a writing class or comedy class! I really enjoy writing my thoughts down and want to seriously look into taking a writing class, and just start writing more. I will restart my Substack, and take a writing class in the new year. I also think I might want to take a comedy class? We will see on that one...

Stop buying materials / clothes / Amazon as much. I have been in a rabbit hole of fashion reels and it has got me consuming SO much more than usual. Making it a goal to not buy any new clothing for the first 4 months of the year, and then reassess in May if I need anything. Same with random things from Amazon - only the essentials!

Other misc. resolutions: be more intentional about my media consumption (and also be more international! I want to listen to music and read books and watch movies from non-Western countries); be more mindful of my alcohol consumption in general; make an effort to see people I really want to see and be a planner; travel to at least one new state and two new countries!; continue to eat less meat and sugar!

I am grateful to have made it another year in one piece, and happy to have had beautiful memories and friends to share them with in 2023. But I would not be lying if I also said I am really relieved that the social concept of the new year is happening today, and I can look forward to 2024. As always, I am cautiously optimistic for what 2024 will bring, and hope it will be a year of new beginnings, and sated yearnings.

[fireflydreamswithadragonflypulse]

the story of us--part 3.

you take the breath out of my lungs, can't even fight it. and all of the words out of my mouth without even trying, and i'm speechless. sometimes when i look at her, i lose all words. i can be mid-sentence and still, i'd lose my train of thought and just stare back at her...she draws me in and i can't resist. in this world where nothing else is true, here i am, still tangled up in you. it doesn't matter what else is happening, she is my first thought in the morning, the last at night, and every thought in between. now i'm defenseless, i'm falling in endless love. i feel like i've been falling for her for years. no matter if we were together or not, the universe was preparing me for her love, her everything. and even now, i find myself falling in endless love with her, every minute of every single day. i could make you happy, make your dreams come true. nothing that i wouldn't do, go to the ends of the earth for you, to make you feel my love. there is nothing i wouldn't do to make her happy. she deserves so much happiness and love and all of the good things, and i'll do whatever it takes to ensure that she gets it all, until the end of our days. pretty good at being wrong for my whole life, but with you, i know there's one thing i got right. it doesn't matter what's in my past, what's in her past. all that matters is her. us. we. our life. our love. that's the one thing that i've done right in this life. on days when it feels like the whole world might cave in, stand side by side and you'll make it. she's the best thing that you'll ever have, she'll love you if you love her like that. i can't imagine anyone else standing beside me on the bad days. she's proven she's it. the universe chose her and delivered, and i wholeheartedly believe that she is the best thing that i'll ever have. my one. my only. my everything. my all. i'm drunk on your voice, high on the moment. i'd fall for you twice, if that's what you wanted. i'd give you my life from now till forever, i'm falling in love with you over and over again. her voice gets me every time. i could listen to her talk 24/7, 365 and never tire of it, like my favorite melody in my ears. and i would most definitely, and do, fall for her daily...daily there's a reason i've got this smile on my face and it's her, as i free fall into forever with her. 'cause a fire never starts without a spark, and baby, you're my spark. 'cause i saw love, love, love in your eyes. you stole my heart and i don't mind. she ignited this spark within me that i never had a clue was even there. things i want for my life that i never wanted before, never imagined. all because when i looked into her eyes for the first time, i saw a movie of the way my life was supposed to be, the love i deserve, the love i fucking want more than anything, now that i have her. take my hand, take my whole life too. for i can't help falling in love with you. i couldn't stop falling for her if i tried. but i don't want to do that. i don't want to feel anything but this, but her, for the rest of my days. i have died every day waiting for you. darling, don't be afraid, i have loved you for a thousand years, i'll love you for a thousand more. i swear, i know i've said this a thousand times, but i do feel like i've loved her, known her, for a thousand years. we've loved each other before and we'll continue loving each other in each universe. a love like this doesn't die after one lifetime. i'm forever yours, faithfully. i'll never understand how she was single, how she wanted me. but she did. she does. and i'm forever entangled in her soul, in her heart. i'm right there at the tip of her tongue, just waiting to hear my name roll off of it. that's my favorite sound. lonely rivers sigh, "wait for me, wait for me." i'll be coming home, wait for me. home. with her. i can't wait to be there, in my home. my comfort, my love, my happiness. my everything.