#one of my cousins was feeling less so yesterday apparently

[ifeelfreewithoutmyshoes]

I kinda wanna go on a rant but I honestly just think I need to sleep

[selfproclaimedunicorn]

Write me a fic: Per our convo yesterday. I must ask for Regency!Griffith and his meltdown over falling in love in the most reforming your local Rake type way 🧍‍♂️🫡

this 100000000% got away from me & it is now only tangentially what you asked for. I mean, what you asked for is in there, but I couldn't decide which idea I liked more so I had to string them together & now it's a 4.6k word monstrosity.

Griffith paced, mind addled so that he coursed with the nervous energy that apparently plagued most of the men from his mother’s side of the family. It was as unfair as his current situation. “If you keep that up, you’ll wear a rut into the floor.” Aegon mused as he lifted his glass of brandy, examining the amber liquid in the light streaming through the windows of Thorn Hall’s parlor. He’d made himself quite comfortable, sprawled out on one of the sofas to the point he’d made Griffith’s discarded coat slide off the arm and onto the floor. He stopped and stared at his cousin, gray eyes wide with indignation and the wild concern that so preoccupied him. Aegon giggled over the rim of his snifter before downing more than was even half appropriate for a single sip. Griffith clenched his fists, every muscle in his hands flexing. “Would it kill you to be serious for five minutes?!” He snapped. Annoyance with his best friend could at least be identified and be used as an easy target to let out the building steam of whatever issue had his stomach in knots.

“You’re well and truly in a hobble, aren’t you?” Aegon sat up properly now, “Tell me what the trouble is.”

“Mya Redfort is the trouble. At this point in seduction, I would have at least gotten my cock sucked, and yet she is resisting every attempt at anything further than flirtation–it isn’t like I have not charmed her, but I am getting nothing from it!”

Aegon set his snifter on a low table near the sofa and leaned forward, a contemplative look on his face as he rested his chin in his hand, a finger tapping at his cheek. He’d only been married for a year, a decision reached in the immediate aftermath of their friend-and-cousin’s marriage to his sister, and his own previously similar behavior and thought patterns still rang fresh in his mind. Griffith began pacing again, running a hand through his dark brown curls as he tried to puzzle out his problems with and about Mya Redfort.

“I feel sick. Why is nothing working? You will tell me plainly if I have lost my edge, won’t you?”

“You? Griff, you could never lose your edge! What you need to do, is you just need to shift focus. Mya isn’t receptive, so there is no reason to keep going back. Why not set your sights on that Linderly girl with the–”

Griffith stopped his pacing immediately, his stare hard when he looked at his friend again. “How dare you.”

It was silent in the room after that, Aegon blinking slowly as Griffith felt his stomach drop. Realization set in far too late, and he hated it. Or, no–vexed as he was, he could not hate anything that had to do with Mya.

“One Miss Redfort has tamed her local rake it would seem.” Aegon pressed his lips together to try and stifle it, but all he managed was making his grin look ridiculous and tight.

He pointed at his friend, eyes blown wide once more. “Egg–”

“Welcome to the brotherhood! Interesting one to be a part of, quite cozy though. Provides for a very reliable–”

“I am not going to make a fool of myself over Mya like you did with Abrogail.”

“I did not make a fool of myself!” He stood up, squaring his shoulders to try and make himself look more imposing. It did not do a terribly effective job when he was trying to stand toe to toe with Griffith. Aegon was a good five inches shorter and cut a far less dramatically proportioned figure.

“You could not eat, you could not sleep. You eloped with her weeks after Stannis married your sister because you knew whatever Aunt Alicent was trying to arrange to curb your appetites would not make you as happy as they looked. I sat in this very parlor and watched you carry on in calf-love like some kind of barely grown boy-man who'd never known a woman in his life!”

It was silent in the parlor again as all the bluster slowly left Aegon. He sucked his teeth, hands coming to his hips as he looked up at the ceiling.

“I did carry on, didn't I?”

“Yes.”

He paused again, his gaze leveling with Griffith’s once more. Aegon worked his jaw, just as contemplative as before, and then his lilac eyes lit up. Something had struck him, and all Griffith could do was hope that it was brilliant.

“I do not know how much longer I can hold out.” Mya moaned as she slid further down into the chair beside Rhea’s dressing table, her dress riding up to show her ankles and the pink, embroidered slippers she wore.

“It is taking so much longer to get Griffith to fall for you than it feels like it should be.” Abby mused, her elbow propping on her crossed arm so she could put her cheek in her hand. She furrowed her brows, her small mouth pursing into a thoughtful pout.

“My brother is not so easy to wrap around one's finger as Aegon was,” Adrienne rebutted, her tone harsh and clipped, “he is as pig-headed as our mother.”

“I’d be surprised if he was even capable of being aware of any feelings he developed for someone.” Aerea’s words were softer, more airy, than her twin sister’s. That was the only indication the older of them was even paying attention, she seemed more preoccupied with walking her fingers up one of the poster’s of Rhea’s bed.

“You talk as if Griffith has ever felt anything more complex for a woman than lust or brotherly protectiveness,” Rhea said.

Aerea shrugged and leaned against Rhea, her trail up the bedpost left abandoned. “I know him well enough to guess.”

“If the two of you only have negative things to say about your brother, why are you helping me to win his committed affection?”

“Because we like you, and you mean a good deal to our cousins.” Aerea was still leaning hard against her.

“And because it will be better for our brother in the long run if he settles down, and better for us if he stops tarnishing the reputation of our half of the family. I don’t want to be the sister of the man who has ruined every woman he comes in contact with.”

“I am sure it has nothing to do with how good and romantic a story Griffith’s taming would make, right Adrienne?” Rhea teased, bringing color to her cousin’s cheeks. She turned away quickly, trying to hide her flush from the room full of women.

“Friendship with Rhea and Helaena and Abby, and not sullying your debuts with his reputation, and good stories; right, good, motivations in order. Can someone please help me figure out how to make Griffith Tyrell fall in love with me so I can stop pining? I want to kiss him so badly that I am fit to burst, and you two said I should not even do that!”

“Because that is how he will ensnare you, and the next thing you know you are one more in his long string of abandoned lovers, and no one gets what they want except him.”

Mya sighed tiredly. She was resigned to something, although Rhea could not be sure if it was to “her fate” of eternally trying to win Griffith over, or to subjecting herself to whatever the twins told her to do. Whichever it was, both would be over soon. He was as stubborn as his sisters said, that much was true, but he was not completely without all good sense. If Abby had been able to win Aegon over and reform him from his rakish ways, then Mya could do the same for Griffith. He was no worse, he was just craftier and less aware of his own heart.

“What we need to do is plan one big, grand moment that will make him realize if he has fallen for you or not. If we can make this Griffith’s idea, and if he becomes aware of it all at once, he will have to do something about it. That is his way after all,” Rhea proposed.

“Rhea is right!” Aerea sat up all at once, making her wince as she shouted. She shoved her younger cousin's shoulder, grumbling how she hurt her ears.

“Oh, yes!” Abby perked back up at that, her pout turning into a grin that spread across her freckled face, “That is brilliant, Rhea. Between all of us, we will find a way to make Griffith jealous.”

“I did not say to make him jealous.” Rhea clarified, skeptical of Abby’s trail of thought.

“No, but what better way to go about your suggestion is there?” She rebutted, doubling down on her plan of playing to Griffith’s jealousy.

Rhea ran her tongue over her teeth. There wasn't a better way; her father, Aegon, Aemond, even Stannis; none of them were immune to such feelings, so neither was Griffith. Surely. So if there was a surefire way to know if all their long attempts at getting him to love Mya in a truer way than he told all the other young women had paid off while he simply stubbornly clung to the known of his old ways, it would be to see if he got possesively jealous towards her affections.

“Alright Abrogail, what do you propose?”

“Nothing yet, we need a place and time for me to really get a good plot that is likely to work.”

“The ball Lady Johanna is hosting to try and suss out good matches for her girls,” Mya offered, her tone so casual it could have been an off-handed remark, “because it is not like her husband is trying terribly hard to look.”

“Because Lord Jason Lannister is a man with very little going on in his mind beyond his own importance,” Adrienne quipped. Her opinion of her third cousin mirrored every other member of her grandmother’s family, and if it was not so funny to see him live up to those opinions by bumbling through social interactions, a trifle disguised and riding high off his own pomp, Rhea would have felt bad for the man.

“Oh, yes! That is perfect!” Abby took a few steps away from where Mya sat, her hands clasped in front of her chest as a dreamy look entered her eyes, “We will all make sure you are absolutely incomparable, and as soon as we have eyes on Griffith and know he is aware of your presence, you will dance with someone else. A big show must be made of it too, he must see you can easily replace his spot on your dance card. All of the spots, even! He shan’t even have a chance with you tonight unless he begs, because Mya Redfort is not so easily won over.”

“I like your plan, but what if whoever I dance with instead gets the wrong idea and thinks I do want to replace Griffith?”

“Dance with Stannis. The threat of you being willing to do something besides pining for Griffith the whole night is still there, but he is already married and is head-over-heels for Helaena.”

“Rhea, that is so brilliant I could kiss you!”

“Remember Baldric, subtlety is key.” Griffith whispered in his younger cousin's ear before gently pushing him in the direction of the Lannister girls. Whether Baldric was determined to follow in his and Aegon’s footsteps, or start off as seriously as his brother did not matter. Subtlety in his advances and flirtations had served Griffith well, and so it would serve his young protege as he was thrust onto society.

Griffith only made a brief glance towards his cousin as he greeted Lady Johanna's two oldest girls; he was interested in Baldric's progress, but he could hear about it later. He had plans for the night…or well, he had Aegon’s plans (their wording altered slightly so as to be about Mya Redfort instead of Abrogail). This night was for pulling out all the stops, for wooing his blonde beauty and finally winning a kiss “to spur him” into telling her how besotted he was–as if he were so overcome in the moment he had to tell her right then, and had not been fretting for two days over his sudden reform.

Griffith breezed through the crowd, gray eyes sweeping across every gathered face until he saw her. Her gown was red, it usually was at these sorts of functions, with puffed white sleeves and a bodice that seemed to act more as a shelf to push her breasts up than anything else. Tight, blonde curls framed her face, and a comb with red roses held her bun in place. He would have thought Mya looked beautiful at any given point on a Tuesday morning, flushed from laughter at some conspiratorial secret she shared and in one of the day dresses she always wore, her gloveless fingers stained from eating too many raspberries, but tonight she made Griffith nearly forget to breath. If it were not improper, he would be her partner for every dance so that no one else could.

He plucked two champagne flutes from the tray a servant held as he passed by on his way to where Mya stood with his cousins. Appearing effortlessly out of the crowd, her first drink of the night already on offer, was all part of the plan. It was not Griffith being a besotted fool like Aegon. 

“Miss Redfort.” 

Her green eyes, already large and expressive, were wide as she looked up at him. Mya was already flying her colors, her cheeks subtly red and undoubtedly warm. Her pretty, pink mouth opened with a false start, and she pressed her lips together for a thoughtful moment before properly saying anything.

“It is very good to see you this evening, Mister Tyrell,” her eyes flickered to the glass he held out towards her, “and it is thoughtful of you to already be seeing to my needs.”

“I am nothing but thoughtful. And in my thoughtfulness, I came to the idea that, once you were done of course, I could have the honor of your first dance of the evening.”

“My first dance has already been promised to Stannis.”

His head whipped towards his cousin, who looked a bit bewildered for a moment. Then, Stannis’s eyes met Griffith’s, and an easy smile (an expression that would have looked as at home on his younger brother) spread across his face. He had been told the plan, both he and Baldric had because it was the way of things, Stannis knew Griffith was to woo Mya as an excuse to tell her everything. Surely he would not dare be overcome by one of his rare moods of mischief now. His having no taste for “such games” could not mean he would throw a rub in the way, because that would be participating.

“Indeed it has. Sorry, Griff.”

Helaena slipped her hand from the crook of Stannis’s elbow, and he offered his hand to Mya. Griffith seethed as his lady placed her hand atop his cousin’s and let herself be led away. Rhea and Abby giggled as they leaned into each other, and his mouth turned down into a tight, visible frown. Neither of those two were getting the champagne, that was certain, and so Griffith shoved it towards Stannis’s wife. Helaena either did not know or did nor care about what was going on, and happily took the delicate flute of sparkling wine from him.

Rhea grinned, every bit as smug as any of Griffith’s company was capable of. “Why, Griffith–”

He did not wait for whatever Rhea was going to say, silently stalking further into the ballroom so as to continue watching Mya and Stannis. And heavens but Mya was graceful, even if she was dancing with another man. Griffith’s nose scrunched, that should be him she glided about with. What good was a dance with Stannis, anyhow? He was married already and not even half the catch Griffith was. Or, no, that was a disservice to both Helaena and, under circumstances where his head was clearer, his friend; Stannis was not half as good a catch for Mya. He was perfect for Aegon’s sister though, strange as she might be at times.

“You are upset.”

“Shit!” He startled so that champagne sloshed over the rim of his glass. Griffith would never know if it was not being able to hear Helaena’s approach over the music and the gossip, or if it was just her silent skulking that made her able to sneak up on him.

“You are not doing a good job at hiding it,” she continued, voice bland and matter-of-fact, “you never do. You should not be surprised I noticed.”

“I’m not surprised you–shouldn’t you be giggling with Rhea and Abrogail?”

“I do not think what they’re giggling about is funny.”

“Fair enough.”

“It does seem to have worked though.” Helaena said before taking a sip of the champagne that had been meant for Mya.

“What worked?”

“Abrogail’s plan to make you jealous for Mya’s attention; something about you not noticing feelings, and grand conspiracies they all came up with. It all seems silly to me, and I doubt Stannis would have danced with Mya if he knew.”

They could not have schemes, he had schemes! Throwing propriety to the wind in a move that would have probably made Aegon proud, Griffith downed the whole flute of champagne in one go, finishing it just in time to thrust the now empty glass into the hands of one of the Lannister’s butlers. If Mya was going to try and make him jealous in some gambit to–fiend seize it, who even knew what her gambit was! Either way, two could play at this game, and at the end of the night one of them would get whatever it was they wanted.

“Helaena, would you like to dance?”

“I shall pretend I could not hear you, and that way no one can be offended.”

“I’m offended.”

“At this moment, I don’t think you count.”

Griffith scoffed, even more offended now. What had he done to her?! It was not like he’d ever flirted with Helaena, Stannis had wanted her since they were boys and it would not have been right.

“I don’t want to join whatever games you and Mya are playing at, and I don’t think you should even be engaging in them in the first place. They do not make any sense” Helaena paused to take another sip, and then continued, “you are not dimwitted, although you are acting a bit like it right now, you know how Mya feels about you, Griffith. She feels how every woman you’ve charmed feels about you, and you know how you feel–”

“And how do I feel, Helaena?”

“More strongly than you would ever want to let on, if you actually rising to the bait means anything.” And it did, she knew it did, because Stannis’s wife was obnoxiously insightful. Griffith did not respond, he let her stew in how right she was in silence, and after a moment, Helaena continued.

“I don’t know why you cannot just tell her.”

“Because…because.”

She blinked slowly, her light purple eyes boring into him with all the intensity his sister Aerea’s eyes ever carried, or his Uncle Aemon’s. She was waiting for a justification that would not come, because Griffith wasn’t sure there was one.

“So there is no reason you cannot tell her how you feel towards her, just as I said. And you must know that you never telling her will get neither of you what you desire, and that should she move on because you never commit, that you will never be as happy in your rakish behavior as you were before all of this nonsense that has been going on all season ever since you failed to get Mya into your bed the first time.”

“How does Stannis tolerate you always being right?”

“He does not ‘tolerate’ anything, he likes it.”

Griffith and Helaena stood silently next to each other after that, the both of them watching the dancers sweep across the floor. He watched Stannis and Mya, still burning with jealousy because of his infuriating cousins. Helaena probably watched everyone, or if she was watching Stannis and Mya it was not because of jealousy, but because of how well she liked him.

He took his first steps when the final few notes of the dance began, he knew all of the music from these balls as well as he knew the back of his own hand, or as well as he knew how to elicit sweeter sounds from whatever woman he’d set his sights on. Mya Redfort in this case, and in all the cases for the rest of his life. Because apparently these sorts of things were inevitable for his family.

“Miss Redfort.”

“Oh! Mister Tyrell,” she smiled up at him, just as teasing as it always was these past three months, but more knowing than coy, “I presume you are here for that dance? I shall have to check my card, I believe it is already full, or nearly at least.”

“We must talk.” He cut in quickly before she could continue, his hand involuntarily coming to rest on her upper arm. Her cheeks went red again, brighter than before, and an increasingly familiar spark of hope shone in her green eyes.

“Must?”

“It is important, gravely so…please.”

“Alright.” Her voice was soft as a breath, and Griffith dropped his hand to offer Mya his arm. She slipped her hand into the crook of his elbow, and her smile betrayed her excitement. Mya had fully convinced herself she was getting exactly what she wanted how she had planned to get it, but she didn’t because it was Helaena that got him to speak to her plainly, not whatever she had plotted with Rhea and Abby. Griffith at least had the satisfaction of that.

“I'll make sure Lady Johanna does not see the two of you leaving and send out a chaperone.” Stannis whispered before side-stepping between two gathering groups of dancers and making his way back into the throng of guests in the ballroom. He was a good and reliable chap when nerves or a bout of humor that came at someone else's expense did not overtake him.

Mya clung to Griffith’s arm as they made their way through the ballroom and out the side door that led into the manor’s grounds. The gardens at Casterly weren't much in comparison to Thorn Hall, but they were nice enough, and it wasn't like the pair of them were there to take in the scenery. They remained silent when they stopped in front of the fountain, the only sound the quiet splash of water from the lion's mouth falling into the basin at its stone paws.

Coming up with what to say had felt easy when he schemed with Aegon, it was so much more intimidating to think of what to tell Mya when saying plainly how he felt loomed before him. Griffith had never been so true in any of the pretty words he so easily spun for the women who came before her, and now that he meant everything it felt like every word he’d ever known left him. Mya brought her hands to clasp in front of her chest and turned to face him, it was now or never.

“This evening has not gone at all how I planned it to, but it has still brought me to the ending I wanted…or at least something similar.”

“Us being alone together hardly constitutes you having your way.”

“I did not bring you here to–blast and damnation–Mya Redfort, I love you!”

“Truly?” Even though this was what she'd wanted, she sounded surprised and disbelieving. Mya, it would seem, had not planned this far either.

“Deeply, madly. For months I have thought about, have wanted, no one but you. It is as if you have bewitched me…and it frightens me. I do not know what to do with such sincerity, except to offer it to you and hope you will have it. And–and hope you will have me; mind, body, soul, whatever you desire of me, Mya, you shall have it. I would not want to give myself to anyone else.”

“Oh…oh, Griffith,” her eyes shimmered with unshed tears, but she smiled all the same, “I love you too. I have loved you.” There was weight there. She’d been harboring such affections for him for months at least. Had it been years? He hoped not, Griffith did not like the thought of Mya silently pining as he flirted and fucked his way through dozens for three years; disappointing her as he carried on so. No, he would banish the thought. It didn't matter now. This moment was all that mattered.

He gently cupped her cheek, and she leaned into his touch. “Would you marry me, if I asked?”

“I would. And…and would you stay and still mean all of what you said if I let you kiss me?”

“Wild horses could not drag me away.” His gaze did not break from Mya’s as his hand slid from her soft cheek to her jaw, his thumb resting under her chin so he could tilt her head back. Her eyes were wide and wanting, and she parted her lips as Griffith leaned down to kiss her.

Mya kissed him back, firm and hungry, as her hands came to his chest, her fingers curling into the fabric of his coat as if that would hold him in place forever. As if she needed to go to that much effort.

They were breathless when the kiss broke, and Griffith put his forehead against hers as he gently ran his thumb over her lower lip. His other hand went to her waist, and he wanted desperately to pull her as close as he could, to guide Mya into grinding against him. 

“I love you, Mya.” No amount of times he could tell her would be enough to satisfy him.

“Enough to kiss me again?”

“For that and more.” He did as she bid, teasingly brief, as his hand dropped from her jaw and came to hold her waist like his other. Mya pressed her lips together into a tight frown, her brows furrowing over her pretty green eyes. She released his coat and held his face now, pulling Griffith’s mouth down into hers to kiss him how she had meant.

He smiled into the kiss, truly being in love only changed a handful of things really, and walked Mya backwards until her knees hit the basin of the fountain. She sat there, dragging Griffith with her so he loomed over her.

He leaned on one arm, his hand flat against the smooth stone of the fountain basin and placed close enough to Mya that his thumb was against her hip. His other hand came to her thigh, giving it a brief squeeze through the satiny fabric of her red gown. Griffith would not push her for more than this, he could make himself be satisfied if she wanted to wait for their engagement or even their marriage for anything more intimate, but he could still relish in touching her and silently pray for more. He was still getting what he wanted after all: turning Mya Redfort into Mya Tyrell.

[apupp3tw0-strings]

The Crazy Part

Date: October 12th, 2131

Okay so wasn't able to finish telling what happened yesterday before I had to go to bed, but I barely got into what made yesterday so intense.

Usually when its time for CK and I to leave Castle Town and head home, we say goodbye to Spamton and Jevil and leave with Kris, while I assumed those two also went home (apparently not, unless you can call a garbage bin a house...). Today however, Spamton asked to come with us. Kris questioned him, mentioning that he'd turn into an item in the Light World. After that Spamton started begging, saying it was terrible whenever we left (at the time I thought like "oh, terrible like how you don't want to stop hanging out at your cousin's house" now I know that's not the case. Even if I didn't know Spamton was homeless and living on the street, can you tell how guilty I feel?) Kris mentioned something about if it was so bad, Spamton should've stayed in the inventory, to which it reacted even worse to. At this point Kris brought up the whole Darkners-becoming-items-in-the-Light-World thing before eventually deciding to show Spamton what would happen "the hard way". Yeeeeeeah, Kris isn't... the nicest? To these two specifically? Particularly Spamton but Kris doesn't like Jevil either. With Jevil though, he doesn't seem to mind, instead joking and ribbing Kris back.

Anyways, with both Spamton and Jevil in Kris's pockets (don't ask me how that works I don't know) we headed back home. Upon exiting the closet though, something... unexpected happened. Like I mentioned, Darkners are supposed to become items when entering the Light World. Spamton is actually a spam-email while Jevil is a joker card. The thing is, when we tumbled out of the closet and into the Light World. Spamton and Jevil... didn't. They didn't become items and remained Darkners. Kris is still confused and frustrated by this.

And that's when Papa and Auntie Toriel caught us.

After that there was... a lot. Papa said one of the words I'm not allowed to repeat and Auntie Tori fainted at least 3 times. Plus seemed like she was gonna faint the whole time we were all talking in the classroom. So um, yeah. Now our parents know about the Dark World. (Apparently Aunt Tori's been to a Dark World before because Kris opened one in their house sometime during their adventure, but she thought it was all a dream.)

Also after learning the state Spamton and Jevil are in (ie living on the streets, plus not mentally stable) Papa declared it was our duty to help them. He explained it to Dadaton as "rehabilitating them until they can get back on their feet". Aunt Toriel was initially hesitant and apprehensive, but eventually reluctantly agreed (mostly since Kris said they could watch and help out with Jevil as long as it was just him, to which Toriel said they weren't getting out of this doing any less.)

So long story short, Spamton's staying with us now! Which at first was exciting but then we quickly realized was gonna be... chaotic... He might've sorta, kinda,, accidentally blown up the living room with one of those blue eggs (which are apparently called "Pipis"), its okay though! We sorted it out and cleaned it up. I even helped Spamton write an apology letter to my dad! Er, well, made it write one because it was also a little inappropriate towards Dadaton and we were trying to convince him to not just throw Spamton out of the streets again. (Jeez Louise, this man's social skills are even worse than mine..)

Even if I've only known Spamton for a bit, he's already definitely proved to be... interesting to say the least. And raised a lot of concerning flags. If he wasn't always a puppet, what happened to him? Whats with the abrupt screaming of burning and Spamton's strange fascination with the sun? To the point of staring directly at it and the sky as soon as we were outside? Who exactly is this "strange someone" and why are they driving Darkners to madness? Do they relate to the strange man from my dreams? What's up with the Dark Worlds? Why do they exist and will CK and I encounter anymore apart from Castle Town? Who are the other "secret bosses"? Can we really help any of them?

There's so many questions, and the more answers I get, the more questions seem to pop up. Its both exciting and a little scary but in like the fun thrill seeking way. I feel regardless of what happens, this is gonna be the start of an exciting new chapter and I think it'd be a crime for me not to record what happens. Even if its mostly just for me to sort out my thoughts.

Call it... a sort or expirament, if you will? In darkness and seeing how much any of us can help these guys.

... On second thought, expirament's a bad word. Call it an adventure instead.

[stuffs-i-wrote]

TW: addiction and suicidal thoughts, themes of death

Diary, 

It’s been a month since the Incident. The House has been rebuilt, and we were able to salvage some things. Most of our history was burned. Scholars were upset for days when they found out, but some had them memorized. The dead bodies were given funeral rites, even that dickhead. It’s supposed to be important, but I was drunk at the ceremony. Nicole made me do wind sprints until I vomited when she found out. I probably became her least favorite child. That’s the one time I’ve ever seen her cry.

Rosie still expects me to write to you, telling me that it was important if I wanted to keep recovering. I don’t think I want to recover anymore. I don’t see much of a point in it, especially when someone could come by and kill me at any moment. That might be a mercy at this point. I would rather go out drunk and high than frustratingly sober. 

This will likely be my last entry. 

I’m not the only one spiraling, and that makes me feel a bit better. Eve and Riah can’t walk, and Takashi and Mahi are utterly fucked. Ophelia’s almost constantly screaming, and she almost took off someone’s hand yesterday. Micky’s been too busy to even eat. Natey Boy Nathan looks awful too, which doesn’t make much sense to me. He didn’t lose anyone he was significantly close to. As Nathan looks worse, Hiro looks better. It’s pissing me off. He looks pale and has new injuries everytime I see him. Chiron and the Old Lady are trying to pretend everything’s fine. Lily hasn’t stopped crying. She couldn’t bury her partner with the others. Ama’s probably devastated, but he isn’t letting it show. 

Sami’s doing pretty well as a leader. She’s letting us take a break from dealing with the outside world. The House looks different too. Amaryllis said it was reflecting what she wanted from her rule. It’s more compact and seems split in two. Our bedrooms are on one side, work rooms on the other. In the middle is an open space. There’s a bar and a kitchen and so much space. It’s a lot easier to get around, and there are less rooms trying to kill you. Delilah’s been approved to paint the walls, and they’re looking good. The mural above the main doors is of all three gods. The Strategist is in the middle, with The Glow on the left and that asshole on the right. There were fights over what Glow looked like. Apparently her form changes a shit-ton. The more you know.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel the cravings welling up inside me, and I’m too weak to refuse. I don’t have any real use around here. Everything that could be taken care of, is taken care of. Everything else has been thrown out in favor of new policies that make life better. I don’t think I can handle it. 

I’ve been hanging around in the nursing office. Fogging up the hopeful air Micky’s created with my own bullshit. Eve seems happy to see me, at least. I think. It’s hard to tell with her. Riah just yells if I’m bothering her, though she doesn’t do much of that now. If anything, everyone in there is just tired. 

Eve and I talk about nothing. Sometimes, some of the others join us. Mainly Nathan, when he comes in. I like to pretend he looks happier when we’re talking. He smiles and laughs. Nathan has a nice laugh. It makes me feel higher than the needle. Goddess below, I want him. 

Eve has another shadow. Little Griffin. Mick’s got him stuck in her office because of his skin. Burns all down his right side. Both of his parents died, too, and E was a Soldier. It makes sense that he’s practically glued himself to her side. Eve’s a pinnacle of our kind. He isn’t talking or eating much. Eve’s the only one who can get him to eat. I think taking care of someone weaker than her is helping. I’m sure Sam knows her baby cousin isn’t doing well, but what can she do? 

Poor kids, all of them. No parents, no stable adults, no guarantee of safety. Everyone’s still in mourning. I think the only reason some of us even remember the little ones are still around is because Ryder sets food out for them. He’s still locked in the kitchen. He’s been in there since it was built. He’s just been sending food out through a small crack in the window. I saw Prince’s baby sister crying in a corner the other day. I don’t fully remember what I did, but she smiles when she sees me now. It feels nice weird having someone look at me like that. The twins are always whispering to each other, they’re also in the nurse’s office. 

I have a drinking buddy now! That’s something good right? Darrias and I will sometimes find a nice hiding place and drink until we pass out. I sometimes do more than drink, but Darrias refuses. He’s a nice guy. We’ve slept together a few times, but we mostly stick to drunken fumblings. The only reason I know about it is because we’ve been caught a few times. Mostly by Simon, sometimes by Nathan, once by Chiron. Only Nathan’s tried to stop us, Simon doesn’t really care and Chiron thinks people should be able to mourn however they want. Now I know why the Old Lady always calls him an enabler. 

Rosaline knows, of course she does Sovereigns can’t keep secrets, but she tells me I have to be the one who wants to stop. It sucks that I don’t, a little bit. I feel bad for wasting her time, but Nicole told me that since I couldn’t do physical training I had to go to therapy. Rosie lives with us, she’s like my sister, that feels like a conflict of interest. Nicole looked at me like I was stupid, and told me she didn’t care and I was going. But just because I’m going to therapy doesn't mean I have to get rid of the things that make me happy. 

I’m just rambling at this point. Stalling. No one bothers me when I’m writing and I’m planning on burning my diary at this point. The Old Lady’s gonna kill me, or make me do push-ups and sit-ups for hours, but I can’t be bothered. There’s nothing she can really do to me other than kick me out. She might just do that, who knows?

Goodbye for the last time diary, 

Dominic Soldier

[effervescentdragon]

Re your interviewers not even sure what to ask anymore ask, that’s me but with the fandom lol. I’m literally this close to just starting to translate all of Toto’s German interviews just to feel like there is Any reason for me to still be here doing Stuff in this fandom, like what am I doing, exactly? Make predictable guesses as to who’s gonna win, only get surprised by DNFs and engine failures and battling in the mid-field, have my grandpa tell me ‘the races have really been going downhill’ and log off??

i posted sth about jude bellinghams dick game on insta on main yday and og bff asked me what im compensating for w footie posting and should he be worried abt my mental state and i said f1, because im just not incentivised to watch it anymore at the moment? im hoping it changes when races stop being so early - i am sad i missed nico's commentary the most tbh. i guess fandoms come and go and things get more and less interesting but the thing for me is - if im not enjoying it, i won't make myself watch/read/do it just because i've made it my Thing. i can have many Things. we all can. i think, when something doesn't bring joy, its good to step back. give yourself time. f1 will be there. 🫂

i also think there is this insidious thing that you have to be "productive" in a fandom, that you have to do, be doing something to justify your presence in it. i know i've felt off because im not churning out 10 ficlets a day anymore, but the fact is - you don't have to DO anything to BE in the fandom (this feels like some metaphor for life but i only took one sip of coffee today so far). fandom is about enjoyment, yohr enjoyment and sharing that enjoyment with people who also love a certain piece of media or whatever. this capitalist bullshit of treating a fandom space like it's a job (what am i contributing? have i met my quota of posting about my blorbo today? how many followers do i have?) like... who the fuck cares. i still count myself into the silm fandom and i havent posted about it in ages. doctor who, star trek, hell, fucking x men and cap america and hannibal and so many things. i am still a fan of so many things that bring me enjoyment. thats why im a fan in a fandom.

i guess what i'm teying to say is that its really hard sometimes, when you lose interest or get disheartened by someting thats brought you joy before. when you feel like you're "failing" at liking something. but i try to remember - im a person, i have interests, interests change. a thing i loved isnt that anymore. okay. not okay, but it's fine. you may find joy again, you may surorise yourself, or you may just drift to something else. you're no less you, and no less a fan, if your intensity isn't the same now as it was yesterday or a decade ago. and with f1... its changing so much that its honestly pretty understandable to feel that way. bff stopped watching during the seb era, came back when it looked like seb might win w ferrari, then skipped the whole lewis era. og bff skipped merc domination era completely. my cousins husband stopped watching the moment alonso won. ive had friends stop watching the moment max won. it happens.

what im saying, too fucking long and winded bcs apparently im in a mood today - dont force yourself into something that doesnt bring you joy. theres so much joy to be found in this world deapite everything, and you're no less you for losing an interest in a fandom.

[flowered-mp3]

rant on friend drama lmfao pls ignore unless ur curious about my life ahhaha luv u all

my bf's friend group is a hot fucking mess - i hate it here.

i don't want to be like. that person but fuck, man. i've always been against have super super integrated friend groups where people date each other and get super close with their friends partners and something just happened yesterday that just adds to my distaste of it. i'm sorry, but i cannot be super close friends with cis-het men for a reason and this is why - it causes so much drama and confusion for both myself and the parties involved. i'm not saying that i, a cis-het woman shouldn't be friends with cis-het men but fuck, based on what i've experienced so far it's getting harder and harder to believe.

so summer 2023, someone in my bf's friend group (let's call her jess) arranged a cottage trip with some people (three couples, one dude)

myself

my bf

my bf's cousin (let's call him tyrone)

my bf's cousin's gf (let's call her steph)

jess

jess' bf (let's call him steve)

steph's friend (let's call him cam)

now, this friend group has been in existence before my bf and i started dating (so i'm the new person). additionally, there's another friend group that they're a part of that doesn't include me - let's call them the val group (because they're obsessed with valorant. idfk.) the val group is huge - people dating each other within it, they have a dedicated discord server, etc. my bf isn't super close with them but tyrone, steph, steve, jess, and cam are.

so jess organized a cottage trip with the seven of us and it was fun! i don't have a big social battery so it was a little tough for me because we were all staying in a small bnb with one bathroom lmfao but i did have a fun time with them all. i got to talk to them, get to know them better, and i liked to feel more integrated into my bf's friend group - it made me feel like less of an outsider.

before the trip, i heard from my bf that jess and steve were having some disagreements lately - jess frustrated that steve doesn't make enough time for their relationship, jess feeling that members of the val group are making her life more difficult (apparently, one of the girls that is dating jess' close friend within the val group is upset because jess plays val better than her, i cannot make this shit up lmfao) and steve isn't standing up for her, etc. etc.

flashforward to fall 2023 - my bf told me that jess and steve broke up. i talked to jess about it and it was an amicable break up - they both mutually agreed. she told me that there was alot of differences in how serious they took the relationship, apparently. steve didn't seem to be aligned with her seriousness. jess was making career moves, planning for her future and got frustrated when steve always seemed to be putting it off, never seeming to take their future seriously. they also lived kinda far from each other - i'm talking across the city type shit - solid 45 min drive to see each other. my bf and i are the same but it isn't a problem because we dedicate a single day during the week to see eachother, and we both drive. problem - steve doesn't drive. they've been dating 3 years and this man seriously never got his license, even after jess pushed him to do it. steve also had health issues (chronic knee injury) and never seemed to be concerned about his health, etc. jess expressed that he never took it as seriously as she did and if they consistently talked about it for 3 years with no result, that's it. the relationship is not pursuable anymore, imo. jess also expressed that the cottage trip just further showed her that steve wasn't doing boyfriend things - he would see the other boyfriends do things for their girlfriends and compared it to her own relationship, which did nothing but make the rift grow further between her and steve.

now here's where things get dicey. after the breakup, jess started to talk to cam more often. since we have discord, you're able to see what people are up to and it seems that they were doing things together, talking more, etc. i've also been to dinner with jess, cam, my bf, and myself without steph and tyrone. from the outside, this looks BAD. jess just broke up with steve and now the other friend (cam) that steve was already concerned about starts hanging out with his ex one-on-one? the optics are BAD on that one. and because the val group is filled with a bunch of assholes, they've been teasing steve about it. since steph is friends with steve, steve has been coming to her about how he feels about it. i feel so bad for steve here - it's not fair for him to get made fun of because his ex is moving on with someone within that friend group. but on the outside, jess looks BAD because it seems like she doesn't care about how steve feels and what's going on with him BUT LIKE. the val group sucks! they've been making jess' life hell to begin with. why that fuck would she have a regard for people that treated her poorly? additionally, she's also LYING to steph about where she is. steph asking her to hang and jess saying she's busy or tired, when in reality she's hanging with cam instead. what a mess. and what also sucks is that cam is straight up ok with it and instigating the conflict??? he's like "yeah it be like that dawg" but i'm like??? tf??? you're making it worse for jess? fucking idiot.

because steph knows that jess is lying to her, steph went to my bf to vent about it. do i feel good about it? no lmfao but it happened. essentially, steph expressed frustrations that jess was lying to her about hanging out with cam, and additionally, tyrone ALSO had a problem with the optics of the situation. but the hilarious thing is that tyrone and steph met when steph was dating another guy in the val group, and tyrone was straight up flirting with steph WHILE SHE WASN'T SINGLE. they were hanging out one-on-one while steph wasn't single. now for some reason, they find problems with what jess and cam are doing? steph and tyrone did the exact same shit to get together, and now suddenly when jess does it, they feel some type of way? RIDICULOUS. the second that steph broke up with the guy in the val group, she went on a group skiing trip with tyrone and shared a room with him within the week. and my bf was there to observe the whole fucking thing so my bf is upset because this is incredibly hypocritical (i agree like what the fuck). so because of all this, steph and jess' relationship is strained.

now flashforward to literally yesterday night. i went to an easter dinner at my bf's house and his whole family was there (so therefore, tyrone and steph were there as well). i was blissfully ignorant until after eating, i noticed that my bf and steph were like. nowhere to be found. tyrone was in the living room with his dad and i was busy playing with my bf's nephew so i was like huh idk maybe my bf's busy with his dad or something. he was gone for a WHILE. like a solid half hour. so i thought that i lost my glasses and remembered that i napped in my bf's room so i went upstairs to see if i left it there. then i overheard steph's voice and my brain was like uhhh wtf and i open the door to see my bf and her ALONE in his bedroom, door closed. she sounded like she was crying but i was so just. shook i guess that i just started to ask where my glasses were and left the room. i wasn't even visibly mad i was just. shook. so i just left and resumed what i was doing. eventually, my bf came out he knew that i felt some type of way because he put on his coat and asked to go on a walk away from the house. we sorted it out while talking outside but there's a reason why i'm mentioning this point lol. my bf said that steph was talking about a blow up that happened with jess but didn't mention specifics.

then literally 30 mins later, jess calls me. i missed her call so i texted her what was up and she said that she really needed to talk to me and that i cannot tell anyone that she contacted me. since her and my bf are close friends i asked if my bf knew and she said that she actually wanted to talk to both of us so on my drive home from his house we called and she explained everything.

apparently in jan/feb 2024 steve and jess had a couple of calls. steve reached out to jess wanting to "catch up" but apparently it was a call for steve to ask jess to get back together. jess explained that their relationship problems wouldn't be solved overnight (understandable), and that getting back together now wouldn't change anything. steve didn't like this, and now their break up that was amicable is now no longer amicable at all. now, rumors are being spread around that jess emotionally cheated on steve throughout the relationship, that jess has been trying to get closer to the guys only in the val group. and the fact that she became much closer to cam and my bf after the breakup just does nothing but fuel the rumors. because of that, my bf's name is also being dragged into the drama for ammo purposes and it fucking pisses me the fuck off.

apparently, steph did have a convo with jess about the whole situation, and how what jess is doing isn't "a good look". steph brings up a situation where my bf came over the jess' place to fix her pc and said that she shouldn't have had him alone in her bedroom. in reality, I was there in her bedroom along with cam and my bf, so she wasn't alone with my bf. but recall the situation that happened at easter dinner - she was LICHERALLY in a room alone with my bf. hypocritical? yes but to give benefit of the doubt, i think that this is a misunderstanding though because after, steph said that "if you're ok with hanging out with ___ (my bf's name) alone, you should be ok with hanging out with the guys from the val group alone." i think that steph is misconstruing things - perhaps questioning the favoritism for my bf? maybe steph is implying that jess is discriminating against the members of the val group? even when the val group treated her poorly? ugh. now my bf's name is being pulled up as an example of how jess is "purposefully" getting closer to the guys only, fueling the emotional cheating allegations. i know that it isn't true but it sucks regardless as his girlfriend.

so now, everything is a mess. my bf's friend group is in shambles and i know that this is weighing so much heavier on him than me. normally i wouldn't involve myself at all but this is my boyfriend we're talking about. anyone says shit about him and literally? it's on sight like mark your fucking days. now i also have my bf asking me why i don't deal with his kind of stuff in my friend group and literally i honestly believe that it's because i only have girlfriends and i don't strive to be bestie bestie with my friends bf's. we don't see it as proper so we normally avoid situations like this where people break up and all the complications that happen after the fact. like if i'm close with my friend's bf and they break up, it's bound to cause division within the group because people will take sides - it's unavoidable. i probably sound like such a cynic but it's how i feel based on what i've experienced.

and what sucks the most is that jess is genuinely my friend, as well as steph. it sucks that they aren't friends right now. it sucks alot. just.... ugh i hope that they can sort things out eventually but right now, everything is so tense and heated that it's impossible. my bf and i are kinda caught in the middle of it (my bf mostly though, steph hasn't talked to me about this at all). anyways. that's it for now.

[pumpkin-spiced-latte]

Since quite a few people seemed to rather enjoy the six sentence post from yesterday I thought I'd post the entire scene

London, 1941

He spends his first day back in England in months on a train down to Devon, to visit the grave of Mama and Daisy, and the evening on his Aunt Fanny's old, faded sofa, listening to the news of his siblings and cousins, while Fanny promises solemnly to not tell his father about the visit. The journey back to London drags on and on, people on the tracks apparently, but once he reaches Kings Cross it’s a short walk to the Folly, where he trudges right up the steps to the lab they’ve given David for the duration of the war – however long that might be – crossing the room until he reaches one corner, where he can slide down to the ground between a metal cabinet and wooden workbench that had been pushed up against the wall, weighed down with copious amounts of notebooks and notes, some kept in boxes, some stacked precariously high, David’s thoughts spilled out over the paper. He hasn’t even taken the time to take off his coat and scarf, far too warm for the sweltering heat in the lab.

David himself only looks up from his experiment once he’s done, though Thomas has no way of telling what exactly he has finished.

“Are you quite alright, Thomas?” he asks and takes off his glasses to clean the round lenses with the sleeve of a dark blue jumper peeking out from under a lab coat that had once been white.

“Splendid,” Thomas grunts, and runs a hand through his hair, already messy from the wind outside.

David, who has had enough time to map out his responses over the years, slips out of his lab coat and approaches him, heaves a box from the end of the bench so he can sit next to Thomas, who rests his head against his leg. Almost immediately there are fingers combing through his hair, brushing a curl out of his face.

“Would you like to tell me?”

“Not particularly”

“I think you ought to"

“Later. Maybe"

“Your sister called,” David tells him instead, “she wants to see you. Stephen as well. They’re your siblings, you can’t avoid them forever”

“I know. I just – Just not right now. Can you tell Drina I'm still on the continent the next time she calls?”

“Somehow I don’t think she'll believe me. Especially considering Henry was on the continent with you and came yesterday. Victoria knows your on home leave”

“Curse the day your nephew decided to marry my niece"

“They’re children. Can you truly begrudge them some happiness"

Thomas sighs, rubs his cheek against the coarse wool of David’s trousers, closes his eyes. “No. That doesn’t mean I have to like it"

“I know. But still, please talk to her. I have a feeling every time we talk she likes me even less, and if she doesn’t hear from you soon she'll show up at Folly and castrate me for hiding you from her"

Thomas nearly laughs “We can’t have that, of course"

“Are you sure she doesn’t know?”

“Without a doubt. She’d be much worse if she knew about the sodomy. To both of us"

“Would you like to help me with some experiments?" David asks in an obvious attempt to lighten the mood, "I have some test tubes that need to be blown up"

“You know I'll gladly blow anything for you, Davey"

David laughs and pulls him upright, presses a quick kiss to his cheek. “I’m glad you're back home"

Thomas says nothing and lets David lead him towards the table he’d been working on when Thomas had arrived. The set up looks complicated, but most things David does in his lab are so far beyond Thomas’s comprehension that he no longer even bothers to ask.

Once more dressed in his lab coat David lines up two dozen tubes, “I think we’ll start with a simple werelight,” he says, “and go on from there”

He isn’t sure how much time they spent in the lab, Thomas performing various spells at David’s request, but when David sets down his pen, apparently satisfied with the results at last it’s already dark outside.

“You should go to bed, Tom,” David says and Thomas lets his werelight blink away, plunging the room into sudden darkness. Either there’s another power outage or David’s simply forgotten to turn on the lights again.

“I don’t even know where that is" He is a CO now and therefore, by Folly mechanisms, entitled to one of the rooms on the second floor, which he'll still share, but with only one other man. He'd rather crawl into bed with David, but, of course, that won’t be poss-

“In that case I have some good news for you. We're sharing until you leave again"

“Honestly?”

“Yes. Apparently most find me to be an insufferable roommate”

“Because you are, David”

“I beg to differ”

*

The room is bleak and unpersonal, except for an old photograph on the edge of the desk that also serves as David’s nightstand, now that another bed has been shoved inside and every unnecessary piece of furniture put up in the attic, of David and his brother, dead now for over two decades, killed in some trench in France, and a small stack of books he faintly recognises as some of David’s favourites. Waugh, Collins, Wells and the like.

None of it feels quite tangible and it might very well have been a dream, if it weren’t for the weight of David’s arm wrapped around him. No matter how lonely, how unhappy, he is, when he imagines David’s embrace it never feels real

“What are you thinking about, pumpkin?” David, already half asleep, asks.

If I die will you put up a picture of me as well? A neat little collection of the people you've lost, trod under England's heel?

“Nothing. Go to sleep"

David’s never been one who had trouble falling asleep, and after a few minutes he can hear him snoring, firm against his back, breath ghosting over Thomas’s neck. If he’d ever been such a sleeper he certainly is no longer, considering the things haunting his dreams, despite the sense of secruity and comfort David’s presence gives him.

He'll have to mess up the bed in the morning, he thinks, before the maid comes to clean the room, make it look as if he’s slept in it. He doesn’t know how long he stares into the soft shadows of the room, but it seems like he is lulled to sleep faster than he normally falls asleep these days

[silentmagi]

I posted 26,626 times in 2022

4,216 posts created (16%)

22,410 posts reblogged (84%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@logo-comics

@virovac

@sweetmeatdale

@mrevaunit42

@rosemary-kitten

I tagged 4,325 of my posts in 2022

#fanfic summaries - 4,122 posts

#miraculous ladybug - 1,447 posts

#boku no hero academia - 985 posts

#my hero academia - 982 posts

#mha - 981 posts

#bnha - 981 posts

#marinette dupain-cheng - 706 posts

#izuku midoriya - 636 posts

#rwby - 376 posts

#princess tutu - 279 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#guess what the song is based on and give me a number 1-3 as a private message (no anon) and i'll send you a sample of something unpublished

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

(Mariposa AU) Mariharem x Revenge in "The Art Of Ruining A Career"

On an anonymous chat room, several teens met to discuss what to do with one rather... aggravating lying sack of manure. Lady Wifi, BoomBoxer, Queen Wasp, Vanisher, Riposte, and Chat Blanc were sick of their Lady Mariposa being attacked by this... XY... and wanted to get him to stop.

Vanisher's suggestion of making him vanish for good seemed a bit extreme, but so far it had the most traction, until Chat Blanc pointed out that Lady Mariposa wouldn't want harm to befall him.

They had to get revenge that she would approve of, or else they would risk losing their lady's favor. After all, she had asked BoomBoxer to save him.

They would ruin his career, in a way that wouldn't make her feel guilty. He was already doing half the work with his attacking a hero of Paris, the one that didn't have excessive property damage tied to her name.

Actually, she had made a deal with the city yesterday to championize a few civil engineers and construction crews to repair the city to code or better. Apparently Queen Wasp had an inside course with the mayor's office that she thought could be trusted implicitly. Lady Mariposa had even asked that the difference between the cost of labor from her champions versus the cost of having repair crews do the same be donated to specific, reputable charities.

It had been a week since the last Sentimonster, and they were trying to rebuild and regroup... especially since Chat Noir and Lady Mariposa responded to 48 monsters in two days, at one per hour.

That had to have taken a lot out of them.

So yeah... even if she was going to take the lumps, XY had picked the wrong target to mess with.

The chaos compels.

If you want to write one of these, please just link me!

28 notes - Posted April 19, 2022

#4

Adrigaminette in: Bridal Blitz

Adrien and Kagame were glaring across the room, small boxes in hand. Marinette would be back with their snacks shortly... One of them would get to propose to her today...

29 notes - Posted February 25, 2022

#3

Fairy Tale RWBY: Fae Princess!Weiss & Woodsman!Ruby & Living Puppet!Penny in "Subtle Observations"

A tree following you in the middle of an empty field, a berry bush bearing fall berries in early spring that would creep after you in a flurry of rustles, and a rock that let out a squeal of panic as a snake slithered under it.

Penny and Ruby figured that they should probably just invite the Fae Princess along before she does something to get hurt.

The chaos compels.

If you want to write one of these, please just link me

30 notes - Posted September 14, 2022

#2

Marinette x Bodyguard!Fei Wu - The Secret Protector

Marinette's safety was vital to the world, and more importantly to her adopted cousin, her family's happiness. So it was vital that she makes it to this party without injury.

Fei Wu was going to do it like the stealthy ninja she thought herself to be.

The chaos compels.

If you want to write one of these, please just link me!

34 notes - Posted February 8, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Suffering In Another World

During a trip to visit a friend, a person is sent to another realm, and he is less than thrilled with it.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Inspired by Dracula Daily, a travel log of a different adventure. With @logo-comics providing the responses.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/39441543/chapters/98712513

Hey Logo,

It’s been about three weeks since I was last online. At least that’s what my somehow still charged phone is telling me. As you might have guessed by the flaming skeleton who gave you the letter, it’s been an interesting three weeks. I suppose I should start at the beginning.

I will admit that I frequently get lost when traveling, but even this takes the cake. I hope that you understand that first and foremost I was really looking forward to meeting you and hanging out together for a while. At first I thought that driving through Illinois was taking a lot longer than I expected, and then the paved highway turned into dirt roads.

I had pulled over in an attempt to check the map, when I noticed a complete lack of signal on my phone. I was about to drive away when the strangest thing happened. You know that scene in Jurassic Park where the T-Rex crushes the RV? I got to live it! Only the dinosaur could fly, breathe fire, and steal my car.

I fell out of the door that had popped open, and laid on the ground as the beast flew away with my car and all my stuff.

Laying on the road, I saw many things that do not exist in our world flying overhead, and somehow knew I wasn’t in Kansas any more. After a while, I got up and decided to find my way somewhere with people that could help me get out of here. I never thought that being a scout would actually pay off. My bout of reflection had at least given me an indication of what I’m calling East to West travel of the main sun. The smaller one seems to follow it, but I want to see a model of the system before I make the call on that.

That’s probably boring to you, so I’ll fast forward through me walking through several days in the woods, sleeping in tree branches, and finding out that those pack bonding posts were serious business. I had a pack of wolves that were following me for a while, and then the leader was before me. I’m guessing that it was the leader as it spoke to me, and had a horn crown thing.

. . . I’m just realizing that I’m an idiot and that was probably a druid.

Anyways, they guided me to some water to drink, and showed me some safe to eat berries. Then they helped me get to a town, where they explained that the local wizards botched some ritual or other, and a lot of outsiders were in the area. Anyways, after eating some amazing roast pork (I like meat, and a week and a half with nothing but nuts and berries anything tasted glorious), the town guard gave me a run down of where I could shack up while they settle things, but if I wanted to do something, they could use some help.

So I’m working with the wizards to clean up their tower, and learning enough about their alchemy and magic to review his notes. Apparently pointing out that he missed carrying a 1 in the reagents is enough to qualify me.

It’s an extra 5 gold a week, and I’m doing something that isn’t sitting with my thumb up my ass. Also, I’m able to write these notes, and have access to the skeletal postal services. He is supposed to stay until you send a reply, and don’t worry about paying him. I paid for the reply and gave him a tip. I hope that my family will send me the care package of spices and soda that I asked them for.

I hope like hell they can help me get caffeine before I go out and strangle the rooster that crows at like three in the morning. Otherwise, there will be spiced chicken for dinner.

I hope that this letter finds you well, and that you are not stuck in a world of asshole dragons that steal your car, jerk roosters, and druids that like to mess with you.

I also hope that the skeleton makes my story a little more believable, and that you forgive me for missing our meet-up. I hope that I’ll have more to tell you in my next letter.

Oh, where are my manners? How are you doing? Sorry about venting like that.

Please write back, I am believing this is all a coma dream and figure that as long as I have something to look forward to I’ll survive longer.

Silentmagi (apprentice)

77 notes - Posted June 4, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[jodilin65]

I got a great photo of a rabbit in the backyard yesterday morning, as well as tons of snails on the fence to show Doc A. I also shared a picture of the tortoise with her.

She and someone else were out walking in Auburn when they spotted a mama bear with her cubs, which they took pictures of. I had no idea there were bears in that area! If I had stepped outside the trailer and seen that, I would have been absolutely terrified, no matter how cute they might be.

Indoors right here, there have been a few scattered ants and a silverfish. It's definitely time to bomb again, and we’ll be doing that within the next couple of weeks.

I’m feeling better tonight than I did last night, even if it feels like my life might still be over, lol. I keep forgetting to use my happy light. I have a small one on my desk in the bedroom, and I want to get a bigger one for the other desk.

I sat outside for about 10 minutes yesterday morning, but not in direct sunlight since the sun hadn’t risen high enough yet. It still seemed to be enough to perk me up.

Yesterday, I had symptoms that suggested I might be low on thyroid, but also some that suggested otherwise. I had horrible fatigue and felt a little cold at times, but then my heart was racing, and I felt a bit anxious for a few hours. I read that a racing heart caused by wine can be a symptom of heart trouble, as it can be if it races for no apparent reason. But my heart doesn’t always race when I have wine, and there’s no way I could have heart issues after being thoroughly tested less than a year ago. I really wish I could test my TSH whenever I wanted!

While I’ve got the energy, I’m going to take advantage of it and get some more miles on the road. I’m 10% through my ride, but I’m going to need to get to about 40% to get out of Russia.

I got a distressing message from Becky. The first known Valleyhead sister to die has passed away. Her name was Kyle, and she and Becky were cousins. I didn’t have any problems with Kyle, but we weren’t close either. She had MS. Becky said her mother had babies for 24 years and was burned to death at 9 months pregnant, which Kyle witnessed. Also, Becky’s uncle died, so I can see why she’s a mess, as she said.

What a horrible, horrible tragedy! Poor Kyle. I can’t imagine witnessing something so terrifying, gross, and horrible. Becky said that’s why she freaked out when the fire alarm went off. I don’t remember her freaking out, but I do remember another girl freaking out. Her name might have been June.

[shelbeetaylor]

Chapter Ten | Danse Macabre

-> story masterpost

-> previous chapter

Cassandra was stopped in the hall by a firm hand on her shoulder. A quick and agitated spin revealed the owner to be Theo who tried to hide his grimace at the sight of her. 

“What do you want, Theo?” The irritation had crept so far into her voice that every word now was coated in it.

“Oh, sorry. Do you have somewhere urgent to be?” 

The pity glazing over his eyes hadn’t left them since yesterday.

“Dance,” was Cassandra's concise reply.

“Oh… right…”

Cassandra turned to leave, but Theo cleared his throat instead of just saying he wanted to talk.

“Go ahead,” Cassandra added a nice, large gesture to show her annoyance. “Speak.”

“I- uh…”

She shook her head in silence, eyebrows raised as she waited for a coherent sentence.

“Ahem… Evie left in a hurry.”

“And?” It was the same impactful word from earlier, just much less smirk to accompany the displeasure.

Theo’s response was a drooping face of disappointment, a rare sight from him. Usually she’d be somewhat emotionally affected, but she too was in a rare mood. “You don’t think you were even a little harsh?”

Cassandra cursed under her breath before saying, “She interrupted an important discussion matter.”

“You mean she interrupted your dramatic takedown.”

“Didn’t we just have a massive argument? I’m getting deja vu.”

“You seriously don’t think anything you did was wrong?”

“No, sorry.” The apology was dispassionate, unlike the swirling in her stomach. “Maybe I’ve finally lost all sense of morality.” 

“Cass, Evie seemed really upset. I mean, you physically put her down in the middle of council. I’m sure that hurt her feelings.”

“Yes, because her feelings are clearly the most important matter when in council.”

Theo stepped back slightly, his shoulders dropping a little. “Don’t you care?”

“No.”

Theo looked almost as if he was repressing a shudder.

“If all you came to do was talk to me about her feelings, just let me go to my lesson.”

“Are you okay?”

Cassandra was a little taken aback by the sudden question. “You think I’m not?”

“In all honesty, no.” Theo seemed a little nervous as he confronted her. “No one ever said you were the most sane person in the first place, but you’re just… I know this isn’t all because of the king and Henri.”

Cassandra was at a loss for words, and instead she just shrugged. Theo’s jaw slid open only ever so slightly.

“I know you’re not prideful, not enough to get angry with your cousin in front of a room full of government officials.”

“Glad I have you to tell me what I’m like as if I didn’t know myself.”

“Is this because you’re not sleeping? Is that what’s making you like this?”

Cassandra's jaw tightened.

“I can see it in your face, Cass. How long have you been awake?”

“You act like it’s irregular for me to not sleep. I never sleep. This is common knowledge.”

“No, that is a joke. This is reality.”

“And now we can apparently add ‘psychosis’ to the list of things you think is wrong with me.”

“Cass–”

“Speak to me again when you’re ready to not criticize me for the way I run my court.”

Theo was left standing alone in the hallway.

“Maestro, if you please.”

The pianist sitting not too far away began playing a simple melody, just one to warm up to. Cassandra's arms moved in time from prep to first, opening to second. There was almost no thought to her execution of the rond de jambe pattern her instructor laid out for her. Her movement did not reflect the lack of concentration, instead her feet and legs moved perfectly in time with a controlled power.

The men wondered how she was able to do half the things she could on the battlefield, and this was it. Years and years of training. This was the one ladylike thing she did, the one thing her mother could actually be proud of her for doing. 

On the beat, Cassandra turned to execute the opposite side of the exercise.

Weekly lessons in ballet to appease her mother, but also because she grew to understand the power that was in dance. Every fiber of her being was constantly working, keeping her body in shape in a more beautiful way than the knights could ever care to try. That and this was her time to think, to drift away into the empty recesses of her mind and just be. Then, she’d take everything she had felt and throw herself into choreography. The lessons became one hour that she could never sacrifice.

The music slowed to a stop, and her arms finished in prep.

“Excellent.” Her instructor’s thick Valoran accent laced the words.

Mother wouldn’t have it any other way. The finest instructor only. Valoran was known to most as a kingdom with the highest quality in entertainment. Many young dancers aspired to move to the capital city of Bellesailles to audition for the world’s most critically acclaimed ballet company, and Cassandra's instructor just happened to be one of its former prima ballerinas.

“I was thinking we could take a break on the Giselle piece and instead try a new one.”

Cassandra had been previously working on the famous mad scene from the ballet, per her own request. She had seen it performed impeccably by a traveling ballet company when they passed through, and she felt a little inspired to try her hand at it.

Cassandra's instructor explained as she pulled out sheet music and handed it to the pianist, “Many years ago, I starred in an original ballet about a fiery missing princess traveling the world to find her way home. She was full of passion and fire, as well as pain and sadness. I shall teach you one of her final dances where the man who has been hunting her finally confronts her.”

It took an unusually long amount of time for Cassandra to learn the choreography. It wasn’t the individual moves themselves, it was the act of remembering the moves that troubled her. Her instructor had to take small steps– figuratively– with the choreography just so Cassandra could keep up, thick mental fog disabling any ability to recall dances.

She even found herself wandering as her instructor gave her the next moves in the combination, specifically her thinking about how much she aspired to be like her instructor. The instructor, though getting on in years, displayed the combinations as spritefully as she must have when she was first playing the role. The strength, the intensity, the emotion, all things Cassandra aspired to attain in her private dance career. The fluidity through each leap, kick, and turn powered by the toned muscles hidden beneath a feminine exterior, it was all she had in battle and all she wanted in dance.

The instructor took a brief moment after running the combination a couple of times before saying, “We may build on this combination more in the future, but for now I want to see what we have created. Maestro?”

The piano began on a steady beat, and Cassandra started off. The moves themselves were not difficult, especially since she had been doing them for several years but stringing them together proved more difficult than she anticipated. Between each insufficient leap and lost footing, Cassandra caught her instructor’s disapproving gleam. She soon signaled to the pianist to stop, and Cassandra followed suit.

“You are focusing too much on the moves,” the instructor said. “The point of this was to focus on your emotions. If you want to execute Giselle’s mad scene correctly, you must learn to harness emotions and let them out. I want you to take it again, but with feeling this time.”

Cassandra's jaw clenched as hard as possible, but she returned to her beginning mark. Her instructor watched carefully as Cassandra took up the beginning pose in b-plus.

“I want you to see the antagonist as you dance. Who is it?”

The rhetorical question invited tension into Cassandra's body. A myriad of people.

“Now, you are angry. This person has hurt you, and you want revenge… but you also want it to be over. How does that feel? What would you do? Show this to me through the movement.”

The instructor gave a nod to the pianist, signaling to start the piece.

Piano lilting softly underneath, Cassandra's mind lingered on the words her instructor had said. An antagonist? Oh, there were many. The names came to her each time she stepped, her arms gracefully arching over her head in an alternating pattern.

To begin, there was Theo. Yes, they argue like brother and sister constantly… but this one was new. Different. He had always been her right hand, a loyal knight and friend. Now, he challenged her authenticity, believed she was going insane or some sort of other logical explanation. He challenged her authority, taking the side of an outspoken child rather than standing by the future queen. 

Then there was Enoch. The Starvale pretty boy. Vale Serine’s leading playboy. Nevernia’s charisma connoisseur. The titles were endless. Cassandra never shied away from playful flirting between her and the knights as well as other friendly male faces. Enoch was different. He meant it. Well, there was never a time in which he didn’t mean it, but he meant it. The looks he’d give her. The concern for her wellbeing. The way he caught her earlier. Cassandra was also all for keeping up appearances, but it was physically painful. It would be easier to just fall in love with the man throwing himself at her, and it pissed her off that she just couldn’t.

A grand battement nearly threw Cassandra off balance as the music picked up. She didn’t notice the look on her instructor’s face, a mix of both growing concern and glowing pride.

She couldn’t handle General Valseras either. The man was a genius but a complete idiot, a statement meant in the most derogatory way possible. His strategic thinking knew no bounds, but the man couldn’t execute an attack to literally save his life. Cassandra and Theo, two people who were decades younger with significantly less military experience, had led more successful attacks than this man. Most of them involved parties of five or less fighting hordes of twenty men or more. Valseras had virtually the entire Nevernian army at his disposal against significantly outnumbered rebels, and he still managed to lose the most important battles in this war. Like Wystwillow.

Speaking of Wystwillow and Valeseras, the thought of her cousin tensed her muscles. Cassandra faltered in the middle of a pirouette.

Evie. Cassandra hated that she shared a name with such an immature little girl. Being a legal adult meant nothing if one didn’t act like it. She couldn’t even sit through a council meeting without spouting her outlandish opinions– now, this specific incident wasn’t as outlandish as the earlier outbursts had been full of, but the point remained. Cassandra was embarrassed by her, angered by her, and she was barely able to restrain herself in council. The world had no clue the fire in her, and Evie about got burned. She probably would soon.

The pianist struck a chord as Cassandra missed a landing, the music ramping up into the finale of the dance.

But the person at the top of her shit list… her mother. Queen Ginevra. People said she carried the strength of the Ravenwell women. People were wrong. Cassandra had known the history of her family for years. It was her history as well as her kingdom’s history. Somehow people forget that her mother married into the Ravenwells and had no blood relation to those legendary women. Her mother had no right to claim the Ravenwell strength for many reasons.

She was the one who continued the persecution of magic wielders that was started by Cassandra's grandfather. She was the one who encouraged the former king to wrap himself up in these endless wars with other nations. She was the one who convinced Cassandra's father to walk into the battle against the southern rebellion that got him killed. She was the one who murdered innocent people like her own daughter for the people they loved. She was the one who valued her orphaned niece over her own daughter who had risked life and limb to fight for justice and freedom, the basic founding principles of Nevernia.

Her mother deserved nothing.

In the middle of a fouette, Cassandra's ankle sickled, and her leg began to collapse. The fear in her instructor’s eyes was very real as she watched her pupil fall, but Cassandra could barely see through her vision that was distorted by dizziness and exhaustion. Her depth perception was very clearly out of whack as the room’s length and width was changing consistently, and her coordination was also completely sabotaged. It was the fading pain in her ankle that brought her mostly out of it, though a slight throbbing remained.

As a servant, Gena should have knocked every time she went to enter a noble’s room. As a person, Gena only cared about the rules when she knew the noble on the other side of the door cared about them. Evie, as had been displayed the past few days, cared little if at all for the social constructs the castle lived by. It was probably a good thing too that Gena burst into the room.

She found the young princess crying on her bed, laying in a lazy fetal position and hugging a small pillow. Evie didn’t move as Gena approached the sobbing princess.

“Go away.”

“That is not happening, whether you like it or not.”

“I don’t care. Go away, please.”

Gena chuckled as softly as possible. “You know, you sound a lot like Cassandra when she’s upset. Except you’re much nicer. She never says please.”

Evie found no amusement in this. “I don’t wanna talk about her.”

Gena sighed, gazing at the princess, and sat down on the edge of the bed. She leaned back as she spoke, “You know I’ve found that it really does feel better to talk.”

“Does it?” Evie tried sounding skeptical, but curiousness creeped into her voice.

“Definitely. You don’t even have to put in effort to fix it. You just–” and she grandly gestured with her hands as she continued– “let it all out.”

Gena let the thought sit with Evie for a moment, waiting for her to speak.

“Council sucked,” Evie finally said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

There was another moment of silence, and Gena was really trying not to smile because this was not a funny matter at all. It was just… in an odd way, it was cute.

“It’s just that she didn’t have to treat me like that. She agreed with me too, but she still treated me like that. I just… I don’t know. It’s like my opinions don’t matter.” Evie hesitated for a moment. “Maybe I shouldn’t be here.”

“Why’s that?”

Evie hugged her pillow a little tighter. “I don’t belong. I’m just a burden.”

Gena sighed through her nose and placed her hand on Evie’s nearby leg, gently stroking with her thumb in an attempt to calm the princess. “Listen, Cassandra is not the nicest person at first, but she really does have a good heart.”

Evie shifted slightly as her only response.

“And I’ll bet that she’s probably jealous of you…”

“Really? Why would Cassandra be jealous of me?”

“Because you’re happy,” Gena smiled, trying to add an almost joking lilt to her voice. “And because you don’t conform to her standards.”

Evie tried to hide the smile growing on her face. “That doesn’t give her a reason to be mean.”

���No, it doesn’t.” Gena shrugged and stood up to face the princess. “You and Theo still have time to go to the gardens, if you wish.”

Evie perked up.

“I’d go fetch him now, though,” Gena advised.

“Where can I find him?”

To the untrained ear, the noise coming from the armory would sound like a pack of wild animals, or perhaps a poorly executed enemy invasion. In all actuality, it was just Theo and his knights being… well, Theo and his knights. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that these were the same men that headed the most honorable order that was envied by the world.

“That was funny!” Enoch said.

“No, it wasn’t,” Josiah replied without hesitation.

“Actually, it’s hilarious– I’m hilarious. You all just have no sense of humor.”

“Maybe it’s because you never stop talking,” Bastien interjected, eliciting laughter from the rest of the group.

Enoch sighed, shoulders slumping a little. It was at that moment that Ivor put his massive golden hands on Enoch’s shoulders as he stood behind him. Ivor, being taller than every one of the knights, rested his chin on Enoch’s head.

“I think you’re funny,” Ivor admitted, his defined jawline rippling as his face displayed a smile. 

Enoch threw out his hands, trying to move his head a little as possible. “At least someone still has faith in me.”

“Barely,” Theo chuckled as he began removing his armor.

Bastien, who had stipped down to his underclothes faster than the rest of them, headed to his locker on the other side of the armory. Godfrey was about to join him after hanging up his armor and weapons, and everyone else was taking their sweet old time removing their armor. Theo observed them all from his seat upon the bench as he himself unwinded from the training session.

Josiah ran an umber hand over his velvet black hair whose curls were cut close to his scalp, his similarly colored eyes noted droplets of sweat that stuck to his fingers. Josiah was the runt of the pack, a wiry little thing of common blood. Despite his small frame, he was hardy and defined, but above all his hard work and proficiency with a battle ax earned the boy from the middle class Milmore family a spot in the knighthood. Josiah wiped the sweat off with a towel and asked in his usual somber husk, “Hey, Theo, you decided who’s going to the war council tomorrow?”

“Yes, I need to know if I actually have to wake up tomorrow,” Enoch chuckled as he threw his gauntlets onto the bench, Ivor still impeding his ability to undress. Theo could spot the glinting of his necklace underneath his halberk, the silver charm displaying the crest of the noble Starvale family.

“I have in fact decided that I will be taking Bastien and Godfrey with me,” Theo responded as he gently set his halberk on the bench.

“Fantastic,” Enoch replied.

“Great,” Josiah smiled, then trailed off as he saw Theo's raised eyebrows. “I mean… damn… sad I’ll be missing it…”

Enoch chucked a glove at Josiah which hit the knight in the face and caused an uproar of laughter. Through his own howling, Theo watched the Herculean Ivor rustle Enoch’s windswept hair out of its near-perfect condition. The simple gesture was gentle, something the burly knight cared about a lot. Theo had seen with his own eyes the violence Ivor inflicted not just with his sword but with his bare hands. Ivor seemed to be more a gentle giant with his breathy, quiet bass of a voice and his bright smile, but his eyes were as blue as bruises and his short hair blonde as ash. It was, at the same time, horrifying and heartwarming.

It was even more so when one knew where he came from. Ivor never discussed it much if at all, but Theo had made it his business to know when he was recruiting him. The knight was of the most humbling background, coming from next to nothing. Ivor still refrained from discussing exactly where he hailed from, but offered to Theo the knowledge that he fought tooth and nail to work his way into the grimy, bone-chilling underground fighting rings of Serine’s Hope, one of the outermost districts of Vale Serine. Theo, and the rest of the knights too, respected the boundaries set forth, but one couldn’t help wondering what made him change his surname to Fontiaq.

“Alright, alright!” Bastien called from his locker. “Who’s the fucker who thought this was funny?”

It was a few moments before Bastien rounded the corner for the big reveal. In his hands he held up one of Cassandra’s dresses, sending the men back into a howling fit. Theo was on the verge of tears, rendering him unable to make any hilarious comments. The rugged knight’s stubble twisted into a scowl, his blue gray eyes looking upon the knights with disappointment. 

Enoch, wiping tears from his face, managed to spit out, “Got yourself a fancy ball to get to, Bast?”

“You best be back before midnight,” Josiah cackled. “No prince wants to kiss a knight in armor!”

“Ha ha, hilarious,” Bastien’s voice remained calm with his usual gruffness mixed in. “Seriously, where’re my clothes, guys?”

The only response was continued laughter. Bastien, in turn, let out a heavy sigh as he ran his free hand through his long, almond brown curls. While the rest of the group was still incapacitated with laughter, Godfrey popped his head around the corner and said, “No worries, friend. I’ll help you look.”

Bastien nodded his head in silent thanks and said to the rest of them, “I want you all to know you suck and can fuck off.”

“Don’t be like that!” Enoch called after him. “It’s only a joke, mate.”

“I feel like since I’ve been banned from participating in pranks, I should not be the target of them anymore. It’s not fun.”

It was true, the knight had been removed from the running due to an absolutely masterminded plan that ended in disaster. It had simply been referred to as the Great Prank since  the queen had not so subtly forbidden them from speaking about it. The mass destruction it caused was both epic and concerning, and ultimately proved that Bastien’s genius was too dangerous to be allowed to ever pull a prank again.

“Sorry, mate,” Enoch replied. “Everyone’s fair game, you know the rules.”

Bastien shook his head in defeat, and walked back to his locker. As soon as he was out of sight, the four remaining looked at each other to silently ask who pulled the prank. Josiah smiled sheepishly, his way of claiming responsibility. Ah, quiet but dangerous that one was.

Stifling his laughter, Theo grabbed the armor laying on the bench next to him and crossed over to the lockers so he could change. The lockers sat behind a few rows of weapons displays– the final display being a collection of hunting spears– and there one could find Bastien and Godfrey bustling about. Theo watched out of the corner of his eye as Bastien tried hanging up Cassandra’s dress on the spears without tearing it. Godfrey, the sensible one, simply muttered a “give it here” and took the dress into his hands.

Godfrey was different from the rest of the crew in many ways. It was not his looks per se, but the way he acted, the way he carried himself, even the way he fought. The heavy accent plaguing his speech hailed from his origins in the Mariposa Archipelago, one of the smallest kingdoms in Elysium as it was just a small collection of islands. Despite the slander, rumors, and all around negative talk of Mariposa, Godfrey never once shied away from the place he was born and raised. He was proud to come from the Archipelago, and he often claimed his talents were forged from the fires of his homeland.

Bastien frantically rifled through his locker, then the others as well, but to no avail. Godfrey took his time, handling the dress with gentle care. Of course, he knew if he did otherwise then tragedy would befall him. Even the slightest tear and Cass would make good on her promise to slowly and painfully dismember anyone who ruined her clothes, and the physician’s apprentice was practically threatened into helping  in the coverup.

In the few times Theo had extensively interacted with Terran, he’d actually said some pretty comical things about the knights. As Terran said, Godfrey looked like he was ‘a mound of terra cotta finely sculpted by the gods into a glorious being of pure muscle.’ Theo may not have been attracted to men, but he couldn’t disagree with the statement either— what with Godfrey’s luscious midnight waves slicked cleanly back and his tender, smokey black eyes. Though Enoch was often labeled the most attractive due to his charming personality, he and Godfrey were constantly contending for the title as far as looks went. And it was especially fun when the knights had Terran debating the argument.

In any case, Theo watched how the knight tenderly handled his princess’s dress, calmly suggesting places that Bastien should search for his clothes. Whether it was his warm baritone voice or his serene disposition to the whole situation, Bastien’s franticness began to ramp down, his searching becoming less hurried and more efficient… until the three knights left behind began hysterically cackling like a band of hyenas. The three by the lockers all poked their heads around the displays only to find Bastien’s clothes being tossed around like children’s playthings. Bastien’s anxiety immediately spiked and he jumped in the middle trying to snag his clothes out of the air, despite the discouragement of Godfrey who could only stand there holding Cass’s dress. Theo couldn’t help but burst into a fit of laughter again at the sight of the knights playing monkey in the middle with Bastien’s clothes, the hilarity bringing the knight commander to tears.

As insane and chaotic as this group was, this hodgepodge collection of men was Theo's safe space. They trusted each other with their lives everyday. No secrets, no worries, no judgment. There were, of course, boundaries as with any relationship, but there was little that the knights didn’t share with each other. They were his best friends— his brothers— and a far better family than the one Theo left behind. So he laughed, he felt true joy, and he enjoyed every little moment with them. They lived as if each day was their last, and they knew better than anyone that it very well could be.

Through his tears, Theo saw a flash of pink and it drew all his attention away from the chaotic knights. The rest of the knights fell into silence as well when they heard Theo's laughter stop, curiously peeking over their shoulders to see what ceased the howling fit.

“Hey, Evie,” Theo said, quickly wiping away his tears. “Uh, what do you need?”

Evie stood there innocently, glancing between each of the knights before responding.

“I want to go to the gardens.”

-> next chapter

[colin-86sc2]

4/23/2023

i am tired breakfast was french toast (1 slice) lunch was chicken nuggets dinner was roast, mashed potatoes and gravy, rolls, and jell-o (product placement???(thanks grandma)) the day started with the cousins all wanting to play tennis so i got out the stuff and played some tennis that exercise induced asthma was kickin my butt again it was a lot of fun anyways, though they left around 3 to drive the 8 hours back to their place, and i feel sorry for them but i am now apparently their favorite cousin tomorrow i start work again, i am hoping dearly that i can handle it its the same amount of hours as my last one, but with one less day a week unfortunately another person working there will be someone i knew from my old job that tried to psychoanalyze me and not just that, he felt the need to tell me what he thought to my face without asking first so yeah other than that, im just waiting for a keychain, a new phone case, and a laptop then i get paid then i buy better work shoes than the ones my brother used when he was a pizza cook today i liked my willingness to go along with kids that can be difficult to do to that one person who liked yesterdays journal entry: my goodness your blog is dedicated i have to assume it was a mistake bc i am not evan peters

[manwhacrossoverfamilybecauseyes]

Romour has it

"Have you heard?"

Juvelian isn't one to eavesdrop, but she just can't help herself. Aylet is talking to Hari. Their voices are very hushed and barley hearable, but Juvelian will manage.

"What?" Hari sounds very interested.

Aylet chuckles. "Apparently, Felix Heylon and Irene Padalian are dating."

Hari gasps. "No way!"

The pinkette laughs. "Yes! They are seen together a lot, and they are really touchy." Aylet leans back. "It's confirmed that Lord Felix likes someone, or so I've heard from Miss Louise."

Hari gasps again. "He does? So that means it's true?" The younger girl shrugs. "Miss Louise told me that sir Yuri told her that sir Noah overheard Irene tell Melissa that she likes Felix." The silver haird girl nods.

"My sister, Yona, told me that Irene and Felix are very close." Hari looks up. "Perhaps it's true."

Juvelian can't believe it. It can't be right? Not when Felix seeks her out all the time and always treats her nicely. Not when he smiles at her so much. Not when he looks at her in that way.

Not when he told her that he liked her.

"Juvy!" Jeanette calls out. Right, Juvelian told her she'd be gone only for a little. The silver haired girl jumps up and rushes to her brunette friends side.

Jeanette brightens up when she meets Juvelians blue eyes. "There you are! I thought you ditched me." Cayena klicks her tongue. "Us. I thought you ditched us." Jeanette corrects herself.

Cayena grabs Juvelians wrist. "Let's go, the show is about to begin!" The two girls of obelian nobility drag Juvelian to the magic department battle grounds.

Just yesterday was Juvelian super excited. Felix had asked her to cheer for him, but now all she can think of is him and Irene.

She knows that it's probably just baseless romours. The children of two very powerful families are always great to pair up after all.

But why not her? Juvelian is a princess. Felix spends most of his free time with her. She'd be perfect for the job as his girlfriend.

"It's Jeremy!" Jeanette's exited voice pulls Juvelian out of her thoughts. Right, the agriche boy is Jeanette 'boyfriend'. "Hi! Do your best!"

Cayena rolls her eyes. She obviously couldn't care less. "Even if he does his best, the chance of him winning against the helion boy is small to non at all." Says the blond.

Juvelian nods. Felix is amazing. He had mastered shape shifting magic already in his first year at the academy. That's level four magic!

"Don't be like that, Yeny! I can still cheer for him." Defends Jeanette.

Cayena rolls her eyes. "Sure, just don't cry about it when he loses."

Maybe Juvy should say something. Tell them not to fight, but she's bored, and the idea of them fighting is cheering her up just a little bit.

He eyes wander through the grandstands. She recognizes Claudia almost immediately. Next to the white-haired girl stands one with brown hair and bright golden eyes. Both seem to be chatting about something very excitedly.

"Is something wrong?" Asks Jeanette concerned. "You seem kinda out of it."

Juvelian looks onto the ground. They're her friends, she can tell them. "I heard a romour." As soon as the words leave her mouth, she feels stupid. Trusting a stupid romour with no real evidence except for the fact that Irene might like Felix. How old is she? "No, forget it."

Cayena shakes her head. "I won't. It's bothering you, right?" Juvelian nods. "Good, then tell us."

Juvelian takes in a deep breath. "Do- Would you say that me and Felix are... Well, you know..."

Both of the other girls look at each other and then shrug. "Not sure what you mean."

The silver haired girl plays with the skirt of her uniform. "Dating. Would you say we could be considered to be dating?" The cousins once again look at each other, but this time they nod.

"Yeah, it sure sounds like you are. Why?" Cayena seems interested now. She always liked drama as long as she wasn't involved.

"Like I said earlier, I heard a romour." Juvelian leans closer to the railing. "Apparently, Felix and Irene Padalian are dating... But that can't be right?

Jeanette shakes her head. "Of course not!" She pats her friends shoulder.

"Unless he's two-timing," Cayena chimes in.

Jeanette gasps and hits Cayenas shoulder. "How could you say that!"

Cayena isn't wrong. It's just that Felix isn't the type of guy to do that. He isn't. Juvelian refuses to view that as a possibility.

When Juvelian looks up, her eyes meet those of Irene. The brunette smiles before looking back at Claudia.

A pang of jealousy bubbles up in Juvelian. She never talked to Claudia. It's kinda unfair. Why doesn't Felix introduce her?

Perhaps he is two-timing?

No, not Felix. Erudian would never be friends with a guy like that. There is no way. "Look, it's Felix!" Jeanette laughs.

The silvernette looks down to the ”battlefield“. He looks through the stands and smiles as soon as he meets Juvelians eyes. He winks at her.

Not at Irene.

It feels like she's winning. Juvelian smiles back at Felix. She then notices a weird expression on his face. Did something happen?

-

"It's unfair!" Jeanette is complaining again. "How come Felix keeps winning? Jeremy trained so hard!"

Cayena rolls her eyes. "I told you not to complain when he loses."

Juvelian laughs. "Felix is just talented."

Cayena hums. "Also, he was being cheered on by his two girlfriends."

Jeanette glares at her again. "Don't listen to her, Juvy! I'm sure the romours are based around a misunderstanding and have no actual ground!"

The girls leave the stadium. In front of it stands Felix... With Irene.

Juvelian feels a knot in her throat. Irene is blushing at Felix, who doesn't seem very bothered by it. Jeanette looks at her friend with concern.

Juvelian balls her hands to fists. She's not going to run away from it. Maybe she misunderstood, but if she didn't, this would mean that either he's cheating (which is unlikely) or that this girl is trying to steal her boyfriend.

So Juvelian walks over when something hits her. They aren't dating. So Felix wouldn't be cheating. He's not doing anything wrong. He never clarified in which way he likes her.

Maybe she's doing something wrong?

"Juvelian!" It's Felix's voice. He seems happy as he walks up to her. Irene is following close behind him with a confused expression.

Felix wraps his arms around the younger girl and whirles her around. "I won!" He looks so happy. Like he wants to be praised.

Juvelian laughs. "Yes, you did." She pats his head. "I knew you would, but it was still amazing."

She looks at Irene. The brunette just stands there, a little sad and jealous. Juvelian feels a little bad. "Lady Irene, correct?" She asks.

Irene looks surprised and nods. "Yes! You must be Juvelian, Erudian's little sister, right?"

Juvelian nods. "Yes, correct. My brother told me about you."

Irene blushes a little. Juvelian suddenly wonders if she is just a very blushful person. Perhaps she doesn't even like Felix?

"I hope he only told you good things." The golden eyed girl laughs akwardly. Juvelian nods with a bright smile. Erudian did talk nicely about her.

Felix coughs to get the attention back on him. "I apologize, lady Irene, but I want to talk to Juvy." The silvernette looks at him, surprised. He usually doesn't use her nickname in front of others.

Irene backs away. "Alright! I'll see you tomorrow, Felix!" Her voice is so forcefully joyous. It doesn't seem like Felix realizes it.

Felix waits until Irene is gone. Juvelian turns around to tell her friends to leave them too, but they are already gone. She wonders when they left.

Felix pulls her closer and leans his head on her shoulder. "You seemed angry earlier." Is all he says.

Juvelian is a little embarrassed as she shakes her head. Why did he have to notice? "I wasn't."

Felix hums. Juvelian hugs his shoulders. She's afraid he leaves. It's not reasonable, she knows.

"In a relationship, you need to communicate, remember that, alright?" Her mother's voice reminds her. A deep sigh escapes her.

"Felix... I- It's stupid. I know that." She starts, and Felix shakes his head. "If something bothers you, it's not stupid."

She smiles. He's always like that. "I heard a romour. Apparently, you and Lady Irene are dating." Felix laughs. It's loud and joyful.

It takes a while, but he stops eventually. He then looks up to meet Juvelians eyes. "Never. I like you, not her." Juvelian can feel herself blushing. Does this count as a confession.

"Me too. I like you too."

Felix nods. "I know that." He kisses her forehead, then her cheeks, and then her forehead again.

Juvelian wraps her hands around his neck and pulls his lips onto hers. "Kiss me here." Is what she says. She watches with satisfaction as he goes red like a tomato.

He clears his throat and does as he's told. "If you want me to."

Juvelian feels like she's floating. It's crazy that all it took for him to kiss her was asking. Now that she thinks about it, it was obvious.

Someone else clears their throat. "Felix." It's Erudian, and he doesn't sound happy. Within seconds there is a lot of space between Felix and Juvelian.

Felix smiles in a terrified way. "Hello, my best friend, the man who'd I trust with my first born, the man i would trust with my life."

Erudian sighs in a way that makes you think he lived for decades and has seen all the bad in the world. "Get your hands away from my sister and disappear."

The younger man nods wnd salutes. "Ay ay sir."

C h a r a c t e r s a r e f r o m:

Aylet(a transmigrators privilege)/Hari(Beware of the bothers)/Jeanette (Who made me a princess)/Cayena(The villainess is a marionette)/Juvelian (Father i don't want to get married)/Felix & Irene & Claudia(I have become the hero's rival)/Erudian(Seduce the villain's father)

⟨Manhwa Crossover Family Trees⟩

⟨Felix x Juvelian Family - Masterlist⟩

[rowanaelinn]

Slipped away - chapter one

prompt - single parent @rowaelinscourt

“It’s cold,” Fenrys complained, sitting on Rowan’s new couch.

“We are in the north, you dumbass.” Lorcan snapped. “Of course it’s colder than what you’re used to.”

“Doranelle is in the North too.”

Lorcan took a deep breath, apparently, he wasn’t feeling very patient today. “I don’t know, Fenrys, it might be because we are on a whole other continent, maybe?”

Rowan snorted at his friends, Fenrys was playing dumb just to annoy Lorcan and as always, it worked. They were enjoying their last day of rest before their first day of work tomorrow. It wasn't a new job, not really. The company they worked for had just moved from Doranelle to Orynth, and of course, Rowan and the other employees had to move too.

Rowan knew that with the opening of the new Valg Industries headquarters the next few months would not be smooth sailing, but he believed in himself. Maeve was so confident that she even promoted him. It was a new beginning for Rowan and he was happy about it, his life in Doranelle was the perfect definition of dull. Not that he hated it, he was just glad to be away from his cousins. He didn’t hate them, they were just so… meddlesome.

Rowan walked into his kitchen and opened his fridge, empty. He cursed under his breath. The few bottles of beer he had last night ran out very quickly, they didn’t even have leftovers of the pizza they ordered yesterday. Which was a problem because Rowan was starving and there was no way he would order food for the second night in a row, it had already bothered him to do so yesterday.

He checked his watch, six in the afternoon. He was pretty sure the grocery store didn’t close before seven, he had little time if he wanted to go there. He needed to be quick. “Going shopping, be gone when I come back,” Rowan told his friends as he picked his car key. He needed some time alone but he knew they would probably still be there when he came back, his friends weren’t ones to listen.

He slammed the front door behind him and got into his car. It still smelled new, the leather still a little too stiff under Rowan's body. He had gotten the car yesterday, he had decided that if he was going to change his life, he would do it all the way. Nothing in his life in Doranelle set foot in Terrasen except his friends and his job.

Rowan lived in an upscale residence in downtown Orynth. Between his family's money and the money he was making even before he was promoted, he could afford it. He didn't want to live in the apartments that the company offered to its employees, he needed some peace and quiet.

So Rowan took a house that was too big for him, in a suburb full of family, as if he wasn't almost thirty and wasn't still alone. He had never felt so out of place, but he would get used to it.

He had chosen the opposite of the life he had until then, wanting space. He had left to forget.

When he pulled into the grocery store parking lot, Rowan could have sworn he saw a familiar face. He blinked and it was gone, he shook his head. How could he recognize anyone if he had never been to Terassen? He needed to sleep.

He got out of his car and shivered slightly. Maybe Fenrys was right, it wasn't cold but it was definitely colder than Doranelle at this time of year.

He walked into the store, it was large. Everything in Terassen looked big. The houses, the buildings, the stores... Rowan could get used to it.

He took a basket from the entrance and went straight to the vegetables. The store was almost empty considering the time of day, he could hear a couple of kids laughing in the background but otherwise, everything was quiet. It felt good to be away from the world.

He selected enough vegetables for three days, preferring to shop for short periods rather than a whole week. It made less mess and allowed him to control what he ate. That's one of the things he needed, control.

"Gotcha!" He heard a woman's voice laugh rather loudly.

"Noooo!" A little girl said and Rowan heard her laugh and ran. Gods, children were loud.

A few seconds later, something hit Rowan's legs. He looked down to find a little girl. She was a brunette with blue eyes. She laughed and stood up. "Sorry," she said before running off again to lose whoever was trying to catch her, but it was too late. A tall blonde lady came running up and threw herself on top of the little girl, grabbing her under the arms and throwing her over her shoulder. The little girl screamed with laughter and tried to struggle as the adult spun around. "Stop!" the child screamed but continued to laugh.

Rowan felt like he was intruding but he couldn't stop the tip of his lips from rising slightly. The adult stopped spinning but did not let go of the child, the little one wrapped her arms around the woman's neck and hid her head. "Hey, little monster, did you apologize?" She asked, her eyes still on the little one. Rowan couldn't see her face with the hair hiding it. "Huh?" She shook the little girl slightly but she refused to look at her.

"She did," Rowan said, not wanting the little girl to get into trouble. When the woman looked at him, his heart stopped beating and his whole body froze. It was impossible.

Did the gods hate him that much? What had he done to them for them to punish him like that?

Her eyes widened and he noticed her body going still, her hold around the girl tightening. Her mouth opened and then closed.

As he had been years before, he was struck by the intensity of Aelin Galathynius’s gaze. These blue and gold eyes were mesmerizing, had always been and always will.

His only thought was that she looked older, but since he had last seen her when she was nineteen it wasn’t surprising. She looked like a woman now, and womanhood suited her. She was wearing a white shirt and black skirt, a simple outfit for a working woman, and yet Rowan couldn’t help but stare longer than necessary at her body. If she had been beautiful seven years ago, she was magnificent now.

He wanted to punch himself in the face, so much work to forget about everything that happened, so much work to ignore the guilt and pain just to be ruined by a meeting in a grocery store.

“Rowan,” she breathed.

“Hi, Aelin.”

The little girl looked at him and he noticed everything she had in common with Aelin. Her eyes first, and the same nose and lips. They looked so similar.

Suddenly he was struck by the truth standing in front of him. While it had taken everything in him to try to forget about her, Aelin had moved on. And she had a daughter. Aelin had a life and if the laugh she let out a minute before was any indication, she was happy.

“What are you doing here?” He blurted.

A snort. “What am I doing in a grocery store?”

“In Orynth.”

“This is my hometown.” She said, her voice so tight he couldn’t guess what she might be feeling. It had always been so damn hard to read her. Orynth was her hometown? How come he never knew that? He knew she was from Terassen, her accent betraying her, but didn’t know exactly where. He knew so much about her but at the same time so little. That little truth hurt. “What are you doing here?”

“I moved. For work.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Fuck, that was awkward. “How old is your daughter?” He asked, nodding toward the small girl playing with Aelin’s hair. Aelin looked at her and her expression softened a little.

“Oh, no. She isn’t my…” She took a deep breath. “She’s Aedion and Lysandra’s daughter. I’m just babysitting for the night.” Right, Aedion. That’s why the small girl looks so much like Aelin. “Remember Aedion?”

Of course, he did, last time he saw the man Rowan got his nose broken and a black eye. He wouldn’t forget his old friend so soon. But Rowan didn’t care about that, right now he only cared that Aelin, in fact, didn’t have a daughter. It was easier to breathe suddenly. “Yeah.”

“But she’s four,” Aelin said and he knew it was only so she had something to say. Talking was awkward but the silence was worse.

Before he could say anything else, someone interrupted them by hitting Aelin’s legs, hugging them. This girl was blonde, Ashryver blonde. Gods, how many children did Lysandra and Aedion have?

The youngest paused on the ground and did not waste time before leaving from where she came. Aelin seemed to forget Rowan's entire existence as she knelt down to face the child, though she looked even tenser than a few minutes before.

"Hey, pumpkin, what's going on?" She asked softly, delicately taking the girl's grip to force her to look at her. "Tell me."

"Asper pulled my hair!" The girl cried and Aelin smiled.

"Did you try to tickle his neck?" She asked, making Rowan choke. Aelin didn’t spare him a glance. He wanted to ask her why she wasn’t punishing this Asper for pulling hair but he guessed Aelin would beat him up if he questioned how Aedion chose to raise his children. “You know how sensitive he is.” She smiled at the child. The girl sniffed heavily and Aelin used her sleeve to dry her tears. "Go back over there, I'll be there in two minutes." The child nodded briskly and before she left, she turned her head to Rowan.

His blood ran cold as green eyes fixed on him.

She looked like Aelin on the little one before, of course, but not only that. Did she... No. Lysandra had green eyes too. Rowan could have sworn that Lysandra's eyes were much lighter, but he hadn't seen her in seven years. He was wrong. He had to be wrong.

"Hi!" She said with a big smile. She was missing a tooth in the front, but that didn't take away from her charm.

Rowan swallowed, "Um, Hi." He managed to smile but he couldn't help that she looked too little like Lysandra.

“Are you a grandpa?” The girl asked and Rowan choked. “Only grandpa has grey hair.” She smiled and looked proud of herself. Silver, his damn hair is silver, not grey.

"Go ahead, Helia," Aelin said before Rowan could answer, her voice firm. She pushed the little one toward the alley away from Rowan. Aelin stood up when the little one was gone and his eyes shot to hers.

"It was nice to see you again," she said but he knew she was thinking the exact opposite. Rowan's heart was beating so loudly that Rowan could hear it pounding in his ears.

"Aelin," He called to her, stopping her in her tracks. " Just how... How old is she?"

"Bye, Rowan." Her voice left no room for questions, but he didn't care. He didn't care about what happened in college and now wasn't the time to start.

"Answer me." Not a question and she knew it. He could swear he saw the gold ring in her eyes flutter, a sign he had learned to recognize as anger. Well, let her be angry, he deserved answers.

"Ace, is everything okay?" A man with nearly black hair and sapphire blue eyes asked him. A boy a little taller than Helia was sitting on the man's shoulders and when Rowan saw his green eyes...

He had to be wrong.

"Aelin?" The man asked again as Aelin hadn't looked at him yet, her gaze still on Rowan.

"Yes." She replied with her voice cold. "My friend was just leaving, right?"

The way she said the word "friend" was anything but friendly. Fuck, he wanted to yell at her, he wanted to demand answers now, but he didn't. The two little girls were behind Aelin and the man, watching what was going on.

"Answer my question first."

"Get out." She gritted through her teeth.

"Why do you have your angry voice, Mommy?" The little boy asked and suddenly Aelin's eyes softened and she looked at the boy. She grabbed him by the underarms and took him in her arms.

Mommy.

Her son.

Clearly not the son of the man next to Aelin. He looked about six, maybe even seven.

No. That was impossible. It was only one night. One night he had spent the last seven years regretting...

“Mommy’s not angry.” She smiled as she caressed her son’s hair. Their… No, her son. For all Rowan knew, Aelin only had a thing for men with green eyes. It meant nothing. “But she’s busy right now, go back to the car with uncle Dorian, okay? Then we’ll eat pizza, that’s your favorite, right?” The three kids cheered and Aelin gave her son to the man, Dorian.

“You okay?” He asked, touching Aelin’s shoulder. Rowan didn’t know why but he wanted to slap the man.

“Yeah, I’ll be there in two minutes.” She reassured him and he nodded, letting Aelin’s son on his shoulder as he held the two girls by their hands and walked back to the parking lot. Rowan wanted to stop him, wanted to ask that boy and girl how old they were but they were just kids. He couldn’t scare them. This was between Rowan and Aelin.

“I deserve the truth.”

“You don’t deserve shit. Not after what you did.”

“It was between me and you, not between me and-” He was cut off by her.

“There is nothing between you and them. Do you understand me? Nothing.” Them. So the girl…

He couldn’t take it. She had made it clear already, deep inside he knew the answer to his question but he needed to hear her say it. “Are they mine?” He finally asked and if looks could kill, Rowan would be buried already.

“They are mine.”

Why did she have to be so fucking complicated? He clenched his fists, trying to keep his anger inside him but it was so damn hard. “Am I their father?”

Both of them were breathing heavily and Rowan was glad for the empty store now, not wanting to cause a scene. “No.” Her voice was lethal and Rowan’s mind froze. He didn’t know if it was a good thing or not. But they looked so much like him… “If your question is whether or not you knocked me up, the answer is yes. But you are not a father. Never been and never will be to them.”

They were his. Rowan’s entire world stopped and he wasn’t sure how he kept standing. He was a father, no matter what Aelin said.

“How could you hide this from me? How could you take them away from me?” He was screaming now. He didn’t care about causing a scene anymore, he didn’t care about anything but the two kids in a car outside. “They are my kids!”

“You don’t even know their fucking name!” She was screaming too, cheeks red. Fuck, why did she always had to be the most attractive when she was angry? He hated her so fucking much. “I am the one who’s been raising them alone for almost seven fucking years!” She didn’t look alone, not with that Dorian by her side.

Suddenly, he knew Aedion didn’t punch him for what he and Aelin shared the last night he saw her. He had punched him for getting his cousin pregnant. He knew Aelin hadn’t been honest about what happened between them after the sex or he would have been dead by now, so now he was sure it was because of the kids. He had deserved it, deserved more than the five punches Aedion managed to give Rowan before Fenrys and Lorcan separated them.

“I will die before I let you treat my children like you treated me. Get out of Terassen, nobody wants you here.”

She left storming out of the store without her groceries and Rowan was frozen. He knew he should go back after her and apologize, he should beg her for a chance to know his kids but he couldn’t move.

He had children, twins. And Aelin had been raising them alone because of him, because of what happened.

He was so fucking screwed.

He didn’t care about what Aelin told him, he wouldn’t go anywhere. It was too late to save what could have happened between him and Aelin, it had been too late since the night she left his apartment in tears. But it wasn’t too late for his children and he would fight for them.

————

@sheharahu // @morganofthewildfire // @thestoriesyoutell // @fromthelibraryofemilyj // @swankii-art-teacher // @itsforeverinnocent-blog // @becarefuloflove // @imnotsogoodatthis // @rowaelinismyotp // @a-court-of-milkandhoney // @feysand-loml // @surielandiareendgame // @live-the-fangirl-life // @story-scribbler // @loves-books // @fangirlprincess09 // @theysayitscrazy // @hellasblessed

[luninosity]

Luni, I was just actually re-watching x-men and re-reading your fics and it dawned on me I haven't checked your page in quite some time and I missed your presence and decided to check tumblr...then I read the awful news. My condoleances to you and your friend's family 😔 Be strong, my thoughts are with you.

Yeah, we're still sort of...in...processing mode? Like, it doesn't feel real even now. But thank you! Thoughts, care, all of that - thank you. I sort of did the post here because I was trying to process - thank you all for helping. For listening. I love you. If you don't know, this is about the pretty big thing that just happened here - (I used to know how to do cut text here but apparently I don't know how right now)

Friend C - we shall go with C from here on out -

Like, Awesome Husband would not have his career without C. C hired him. (If you all don't know, Awesome Husband works for a JPL subsidiary manufacturing lab - like, where they *manufacture* the sensors etc that get put onto the shiny space things; Awesome Husband actually works in the IT department, so he is, as he puts it, in charge of keeping the internet/everything online running so the actual engineers can do *their* jobs, which I think is underestimating what *he* does, but anyway) (he also says please don't ask him about what the projects actually are, he just makes sure the lab is all internally humming along)

Anyway. C was the person who hired Awesome Husband. Who gave him his first real job, not an internship, which he'd had before.

We've been to C's twins' birthday parties. We went to Disneyland with him and his family...in like, 2019, the most recent time, pre-pandemic. C and his boyfriend at the time - not the one he married! and then divorced! we were at his wedding, too, and there for the divorce issues! - were at our wedding. (Yeah, it was a ride. There is some...tea...there, but not the point here.)

We were...less in touch on an everyday basis...after C left to start his own company, but Awesome Husband did some consulting work for them (actually, I did too! as a proofreader!), so we still, y'know - like I said above, we did Disneyland with him and his kids in 2019.

It's just. It's one of those things that. We thought - hey, we haven't got together in a while, of course, pandemic and all, but of course we will, of course -

And then he was in the hospital, and then we thought he'd be coming home - he posted optimistic social media things about being home for Father's Day! - and then, literally the day after that post -

As Awesome Husband said yesterday, it doesn't feel real yet. We weren't in, like, daily contact, anymore - so it's just this surreal feeling, like, we won't....ever?....get to?...anymore? ever again? like, we can't go, oh, it's been ages, can we meet up at Downtown Disney? we can't? do that?

I don't know. Awesome Husband said the worst part was having to tell his work colleagues, who, y'know, remember C before he left to start his company. AH had to tell the people who had kinda lost contact but had known C for like ten years. And he just had to...keep telling people, all day.

(Side note: the twins are with C's cousin, who was basically his sister - he was an only child, but close with her)

I...I don't even know how to end this post, honestly. I'm still doing all my daily life and job things - summer classes, and I am teaching my Monsters class - start tomorrow, or today if it's the 21st where you are - I've got two overdue book reviews, scholarly speaking -

I'm trying to get on with things. And thank you, for kindness. Thank you. It does matter. It always does matter: kindness, in the universe. Yes. Thank you.

Please do something you love, if you're reading this. Do something that makes you happy.

[creativeashproductions]

If I Stay Part One // Luke Patterson

Summary: A beautiful day Luke visits a record store to relive the times he would buy an album, but he finds more than memories. He meets you and a connection blossoms between you two and then Reggie and Alex as well. All is well until Julie discovers something.

Warning: Swearing, talk of death and car accident!

Words: 2.6k

A/N: This is based off the movie If I Stay and the movie Charlie St. Cloud. Sorry for not posting sooner, my sister in law along with my three nieces were in a car accident. Thankfully the kids are okay but my sister-in-law in currently in hospital due to minor injuries thus far.

TO BE TAGGED SEND AN INBOX PLEASE!

Masterlist

So, Julie’s life changed dramatically in the lost year and few months, firstly her family lost their mother. Secondly, Julie’s love for music faded until the melody and lyrics were haunting memories. Thirdly, after losing her place in the music program, she had to question her sanity. For in her garage lived three teenage ghosts to her disbelief and horror quite frankly; the ghosts grew on her so much she was in a band with them.

In the hours that Julie was attending school, the boys tended to tour the entire city. They enjoyed seeing the changes that had happened for the two and a half decades. Reggie really enjoyed the western-themed stores, even scaring a little girl with a floating cowboy hat that disappeared once on his head. Alex adored learning about the drastic changes within in the LGBTQ+ community, he had plans for when 2021 LA Pride came in June. Luke, of course, would go anywhere that had music such as music stores, record stores, concert venues and even followed a rock legend once.

“Ooh.” A voice spoke in the record store, “This would be the perfect gift.”

Luke turned to see you gazing at the Rock N’ Roll records with a passion in your eyes and an adorable smile that melted his heart. He couldn’t help but walk closer even if he had no clue if you could see him or not.

“Def Leppard? Definitely one of my favourite bands.” Luke spoke anticipating the usual one-sided conversation. His speculation shattered when you turned to face him with big eyes, “You can see me.”

You nodded your head, pushing your hands into your faded blue jeans glancing around the store, hoping the owner didn’t notice. To your relief the man was oblivious, Luke glanced over before stepping closer.

 “You’re alive?”

“Mhm.” You spoke, removing a single hand to play with your burgundy jacket that cinched at the waist to give form. It was open to reveal a plain black shirt that left an inch of your midsection free, “I always wondered if ghosts were real. I got my answer.”

“This is so cool! My friend is the only person that can see my friends and me.” The grin was breathtaking on the teenage ghost. There was a connection between the two that was immediate and intense.

“At least you’re not alone.” You supplied turning to pick up the record, turning it around to read the tracklist. In the end, you decided you didn’t feel like buying it, replacing it you started for the front door.

A college-aged person walked in glued to the screen of the phone not replying as you mentioned a thank you before the door closed. Luke rushed to follow your steady pace in black hiking boots.

“Where are you going?” Luke questioned coming to the same stride as the girl that had taken his attention quickly. His interest had grown when he found he could hold a conversation with her.

“It’s a nice day. I thought I would go for a walk.” You replied, stopping to look around the street with curious eyes. Luke yearned for those eyes to look in his again because he swore he saw a galaxy in them, “Would you like to join me?”

Luke’s head was nodding in response with a new pep in his step as you walked down the street filled with all different kind of stores. Luke recognized Family Living Grocery store as the one that the Molina got their groceries, he and the guys had joined Julie on a trip once. It was one of his worst memories as a ghost, surrounded by snacks and food he couldn’t indulge in.

“So, what’s your story, Caspar?” You questioned stopping to look as at a beautiful dollhouse, “My cousin had one. We actually renovated it a while back for her unborn niece.”

“Caspar?” Luke teased, watching the nostalgia faded from your expression as you continued on the walk. His hazel eyes, greener at the moment, glittered at the different banter he had with you than the guys or Julie.

“Well, I don’t know your name!” You exclaimed turning the corner at a parlour with gorgeous stencilled artwork on the glass.

“Luke. My name is Luke. Hey! I know this shop!” Luke beamed, stepping back to take in the storefront. In the twenty-five years since he last saw it, the blue faded into a teal, but the door was still the same as it always was.

“You have a tattoo?” You asked, scanning his arms bare in the cut off shirt he wore. You couldn’t see any ink on his skin. Luke couldn’t help the smirk on his face at the blatant heated gaze.

“No. It was 1994. We just played our biggest gig at the time, and Bobby decided we should get tattoos.” Luke’s mouth twisted at the mention of his former friend, “Of course we were sixteen and Alex just about fainted in the shop. The guy took one look at Reggie and laughed at our fake IDs. Told us to come back in a few years.”

One of the few memories that weren’t tainted by the betrayal that Trevor Wilson had gone on to do a year after the tattoo fiasco. It was more than not being credited or his songs being stolen, but it was also that someone he wholeheartedly trusted turned his back on them. Luke frankly didn’t care how Bobby coped after that fateful night. Still, he changed his name and refused any mention of his previous music experience. That hurt a lot.

“So, you’re a ’90s kid.” You raised an eyebrow coming to a stop on the edge of the street, pressing the button to cross.

“Technically a ’70s kid. We died in ’95 a few hours before a life-changing gig.” The mood turned sombre as Luke thought back on that one night that life decided to raise both middle fingers at his dreams, “Death by a hot dog.”

The snicker fell from your mouth before you do anything about it but sobered up quickly in the view of his painful admittance.

“So, you’re seventeen?” You asked crossing when the crosswalk light flickered on. Your attention focused on crossing while listening to the teenager.

“Forever seventeen but I would eighteen physically, but if I had survived I would be forty-three.” Luke mused shoving his hands into his staple black jeans with the chains and his constant accessory of a blue rabbit’s foot.

“Oh, damn. I’ve seventeen as well.” You replied dodging pedestrians before humming a to a song you had heard recently but where you did was unknown. You didn’t want to bump into anyone.

Luke glanced down at his watch, somehow even in death it worked, noticing that it was around the time rehearsal would commence. The thought barely ended before a flash of light preceded Alex’s presence. You slightly jumped in response.

“Luke! Julie’s wondering where you are. We have rehearsal.” Alex was surprised that Luke wasn’t already at the studio. He was always the first one holding his guitar for the rest of them.

One glance at the girl beside Luke cemented a reason for his tardiness. Alex could see that you were the reason and a pretty reason too. Alex wished he had your jacket with such a beautiful colour, but the music was more important.

“Oh, man!” Luke panicked fearing that being late would cause Julie to leave the band after the whole school dance fiasco.

“So, Luke. I like your name by the way. I’m Y/N.” You greeted holding back from offering you a hand, your theory would have been proven correct. Ghosts can’t touch other people, all the movies portrayed that.

“Nice to meet you! I’ll find you soon!” Luke shouted seconds before Alex poofed them both away with a single hand on his bandmate’s shoulder.

A content smile appeared before you continued on your way, unaware of the lack of acknowledgement from people on the street.

The next few days, Luke would find you either in the record store or just out front during his free time. He hadn’t realized how lonely he was touring the music entertainment spots until he had your company. Soon you were joined by Alex and Reggie every once in a while.

The three were planning outings with their new lifer friend as Julie grabbed her songbook from her room. She was amused when the three wouldn’t shut up.

“What are you planning?” Julie questioned scanning their animated expressions, even taking in the slight change in Alex’s appearance.

Alex had a braided bracelet of the rainbow on his left wrist that definitely hadn’t been there yesterday. He even seemed calmer and less anxious, as well.

“What happened to Alex?” Julie questioned with a small smirk, “Did you bump into Willie?”

Alex shook his head, “No, Luke met this girl at a record store and then Reggie and I met her. She’s cool! There’s this app she showed us, and it had videos of anything you could imagine!”

Julie’s teasing smile faltered at the mention of Luke meeting someone before it returned once more. She pushed the feeling away as this girl had brought peace to the drummer.

“What’s her name?” Julie asked, pushing the songbook away to listen intently to the new piece of the boys’ afterlife. The three burst into stories of the girl.

“She took me to this cool place nearby where people store their horses!” Reggie burst out, clapping his head, “I already have a country song started! This is so a hit single for our future country album!”

Alex only released an exasperated sigh at Reggie’s idea that he voiced every single day since the beginning of the band. Luke was just used to finding sheets of songs from Reggie around the studio and often his songbook too.

“She also brought me a bag of clothing she had in her house that she let me go through. Apparently, her house is the place where cousins take their old clothing.” Alex supplied striking a pose in his new white sweater with a rainbow logo on the front.

Julie grinned at the positivity radiating off the two boys.

“Is she a ghost?”

Luke shook his head, “No. She’s alive.”

A spark of happiness flits itself inside of Julie before it dissipated because Flynn had already gently let the girl down about Luke.

“What’s her name! I’m gonna find her Instagram!” Julie took out her phone waiting as Alex supplied her the name. Her thumbs froze before she could type staring down at the black screen.

The name was familiar.

Laying on a bed on San Pablo Street was a girl with her eyes closed and a serene expression. This bed wasn’t just any bed in a home. Instead, this bed was one no one wished to be in. A bed with machines surrounding and right in the middle of those machines was Y/N.

The very girl that had met Luke, Reggie and Alex were in fact in the ICU of a hospital recovering in a coma.

“Why do you look like that?” Luke demanded as the colour drained from the lead singer of their band.

“Are you sure it was Y/N Y/L/N?” Julie gulped dread filling her veins as each boy nodded their head and the girl slumped, “I go to school with her. The thing is she’s been in a coma for two weeks now.”

You were outside the record store once more as the three ghosts appeared in front of you each looking the worst you had ever seen them.

“Did you lie?” Luke questioned stepping closer to the teenage girl that furrowed her brows in confusion, “You said that you are alive. Why did you lie?”

“Lie?” You asked, taking a step back from the odd energy the boys had. A look of distraught on each face, “What are you talking about?”

“Why are you here every day at this exact time. Never late, never early.” Alex questioned sick to his stomach as your brows came together.

“I- walk…” You trailed off thinking of the last week in deep thought paling as you had no recollection of going home or getting to the store. It was like you blacked out each time.

Actually, the last time you remember not being with the guys or at the store was two weeks ago.

“I don’t re…member.” You whispered, “I haven’t seen my family since…oh my god.”

Luke stepped closer, terrified as he reached out, hoping with his entire being his hand would go through you. It didn’t. Luke’s hand rested on your arm, still wearing that burgundy jacket. Your eyes flickered between his solid hand and the same outfit you wore for weeks now. Why would you be wearing a jacket and hiking boots in Los Angeles?

“My cousin had been saving up for a trip for her eighteenth birthday. She wanted to go skiing, so we split the cost between our families.”

As if a wall broke, you realized with horror that the college boy that hadn’t held the for you like you first thought. He hadn’t seen or heard you because in his world you weren’t there. No one had acknowledged you because they couldn’t see you just like they couldn’t see Luke.

“What else do you remember?” Reggie spoke up next, noticing that Luke was getting more upset. His eyes going so light the green appeared to be blue and glittered with tears and his heart dropping.

“My parents, my cousin and I were driving up the mountain in the rented car. There-“

Two Weeks Ago

Your head leaned again Lou’s head sharing the headphones connected to your phone blasting the carefully curated playlist. Lou had been living with your parents and you the last six months as her parents were travelling for work. It was a dream because she was like a sister already and vice versa; Lou as a surprise baby with her older sister being ten years older.

“We haven’t been to the slopes since we first got married.” Dad said glancing over at your mother in the passenger seat, “Didn’t we conceive-“

“Dad! Gross!” You shouted, wrinkling your nose as he glanced in the rear-view mirror to smile at your antics. Your mother’s laugh was probably one of your most favourite sounds in the world, it was warm like hot chocolate on a cold day.

“Did you see that video of the hologram band?” Lou asked, not paying attention to your family’s antics, “It’s super cool.”

“We still have half of our playlist to go through. You should show me when we get to the cabin.” You replied, “We could put it on the projector with the others.”

The others being your extended family, including the surprise of Lou’s parents. Your mother pointed out the snow on the mountain gaining everyone’s attention. It was beautiful compared to sunny Los Angeles.

Lou’s thumb was just about to click the video of Julie and the Phantoms against your wishes. You felt the fear before the yell, snapping your head up you watched as a pickup truck hit ice swerving into your lane. The screech of tires preceded the crunch of the vehicles hitting each other. Throughout the surrounding area, the echoes of the crash bounced off the mountains scaring birds away. Miraculously Lou’s phone survived the crash and played the electric video of ‘Edge of Great’ by Julie and the Phantoms. A song you would hum under your breath during your walks meeting the guys.

The snow turned red under four of five bodies. You lay nonconscious a stark difference in the burgundy jacket and black shirt you had painstakingly chosen that morning.

If I Stay Part Two (Final)

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[robininthelabyrinth]

My prompt is just more trans au. Various people reacting to baobei. Just i love trans au so much thank u for this gift.

Baobai Pt 1 - on tumblr, on ao3

-

“Oh, hey, you have a kid,” Wei Wuxian said, out of lack of any other conversational topics that weren’t ‘so are you here to kill us all?’. Kids were usually a good, neural topic, especially when they were that small. “Look at her, she’s so tiny! Her parents know you brought her out here?”

“She’s da-ge’s,” Lan Xichen said with a smile and a nod towards Nie Mingjue, who as tall and terrifying as always. He was glowering at the half-grown radish fields as if he was personally offended by them.

“Congratulations, Chifeng-zun,” Wei Wuxian said to him, hoping to stave off any impending violence. The baby was young enough that the mom was probably still in isolation recovering, and maybe hadn’t consented to said baby being brought to the Burial Mounds of all places - certainly Wei Wuxian wouldn’t have agreed to cart a small infant all the way from Qinghe, and he’d thought mothers preferred to remain near their children in the few months after birth - but Wei Wuxian was not really in a position to object.

Certainly not after the quick work Nie Mingjue’s saber made of all of his defensive arrays. That man was scary.

“Thank you,” Nie Mingjue said, and it was awkward for a moment until he added, “Pain in the ass to acquire.”

That made everything better: Wei Wuxian knew how to deal with snark. “Oh yeah? Carried her yourself, did you?”

“Ten fucking months,” Nie Mingjue said, and Wei Wuxian laughed and shot Lan Xichen a wink, figuring that his stupid joke about having given birth to A-Yuan had made the rounds. Funny, he wouldn’t have pegged Lan Wangji to be the sort of person to pass on jokes…

At that point, Nie MIngjue twisted his head around to look at Wen Ning and Wen Qing, who were hovering nearby, trying to hide A-Yuan behind their legs, and said, “She’s your cousin three times removed, if I have my family tree down right, so stop being queasy and let the kid come see her.”

“Fuck,” Wen Qing said, and abruptly sat down. “I’m sorry.”

Wei Wuxian had the distinct feeling he was missing something, especially when Wen Ning’s expression shifted from equally puzzled to outright horrified.

“It’s not exactly your fault, you’re not soldiers,” Nie Mingjue said, and glared at the radish field again. “But in all seriousness: let the kid see her.”

Wen Qing waved a vague hand at A-Yuan, who correctly interpreted it as permission and zoomed over to the baby as fast as his little legs could carry him. He was in that another-kid-how-cool phase that all kids had, and babies were a particular fascination.

“You’re cousins?” Wei Wuxian asked Nie Mingjue, feeling a bit weird about. Three times removed wasn’t close, but still…of all people...“With the Wen sect? You?”

Nie Huaisang made a strangled noise that from anyone else Wei Wuxian would have said sounded a bit like he was going to imminently stab someone.

Nie Mingjue just gave Wei Wuxian a look like he was an idiot. 

“No,” he said very slowly. “I’m not.”

Wei Wuxian continued not to get it, right up until he glanced at Wen Ning who mouthed a name at him and – wait, but no, that’s impossible – but he’d have to be – wait, he was from Qinghe –

Wei Wuxian suddenly noticed that he had sat down on the ground as well at some point.

“Pain in the ass,” he said blankly. “Right.”

Nie Huaisang was glaring at him like he really was going to pull out his never-used saber to start chopping Wei Wuxian into bits, and honestly that might be a preferable option to the sheer awkwardness of having just put two and two together like that in front of so many people. Maybe he could use demonic cultivation to open the ground up beneath him? It’d never been done before, but then again, that was most things he did…

“Why are people so weird about babies?” Nie Mingjue complained, picking up the baby in one arm and a giggling and blissfully ignorant A-Yuan in the other, swinging them both around a bit. “They’re like – lumps of little people. We were all babies once. It’s not that weird.”

“You heard him,” Jin Guangyao said to Wei Wuxian with a smile that looked like it had daggers in it. “It’s not weird at all. Right?”

“Right!” Wei Wuxian said hastily.

Apparently scary people flocked together. Though, did that mean there something he was missing about Lan Xichen..?

-

Lan Xichen smiled at Jin Guangyao, who smiled back. That was really the only good thing about these discussion conferences, he thought – they were long and draining and he had to meet a lot of people he didn’t want to see (Sect Leader Yao ranked highly), but he got to spend a great deal of time with his sworn brothers, which he didn’t often manage. And, really, that made everything worth it.

“How are things going?” he asked in an undertone, scanning Jin Guangyao with his eyes. Madame Jin did not have the reputation for being a kind woman, especially not about her husband’s affairs, and he couldn’t help but worry.

“Manageable,” Jin Guangyao assured him, though it wasn’t really that comforting. “It helps that this conference isn’t at Jinlin Tower – less to arrange, less work to fall on my shoulders. It’s positively easy by comparison. When did you arrive? We’ve been here for a shichen already, setting up.”

“Just now. They’re still moving our things into our rooms –”

“Er-ge! San-ge!” Nie Huaisang’s voice rang out, sharp and clear and murderous; they both turned to look at him at once to try to determine if it was the sort of murderous that meant someone had bought out a painting he’d liked before he got there or if it someone had actually offended him. He had a fixed smile on his face, which boded no one any good. “I was just looking for you. I want to chat.”

“What happened?” Lan Xichen asked, looking around – they were more or less alone, and a quick hand-seal made it so that they wouldn’t be easily overheard. “Did someone do something to Baobei…?”

He couldn’t believe they still hadn’t named her, the poor thing.

(Jin Guangyao had briefly been lobbying for them to name her A-Shi, but then Nie Mingjue told him that if he wanted to have a girl named Nie Shi he ought to man up and sire her himself, and ever since then Jin Guangyao had been proposing different names entirely. Possibly he was concerned Nie Mingjue would take back the offer if he used up the name.)

“Surely not,” Jin Guangyao said. “In the middle of the Lotus Pier…?”

“Not Baobei,” Nie Huaisang said. “But your father just figured out who carried her, and he just – he put his hands – he said he had the right to check on account of da-ge having misled them –”

Lan Xichen observed, a little distantly, that he’d previously thought that the phrase ‘seeing red’ was an exaggeration, rather than a perfectly accurate description.

“Did da-ge rip him to pieces?” Jin Guangyao asked, sounding as if he was very much in favor of that result.

“He did not,” Nie Huaisang said. “You know how he is during these conferences; he’s far too reserved. Slapped his hands away but didn’t do anything else about it.”

“Surely that would put an end to it…?” Lan Xichen suggested, mildly hopeful, but the expression on Jin Guangyao and Nie Huaisang’s face did not fill him with much expectation.

“He’ll try something,” Jin Guangyao said flatly. His voice tremored briefly, full of rage even he couldn’t hide, and he gripped his hands together tightly. “He will try something.”

“Sect Leader Jiang will help us keep them separate for the conference,” Nie Huaisang said. “He still hasn’t figured out the details of Baobei’s parentage, I think he’s convinced himself that men just bear children – in some way that man is as dumb as a rock, same as when we were teenagers, I don’t know how anyone is that gullible – but he’s offended on da-ge’s behalf anyway. But when the conference is over for the evening…”

“It would be unfilial of me to plan my own father’s assassination,” Jin Guangyao said, and his eyes slide towards Lan Xichen, questioning. “But if you wanted to have a theoretical discussion regarding the security system at Jinlin Tower, and the weaknesses thereof…”

“Yes,” Lan Xichen said, putting aside all concerns regarding the morality of assassinations, and found that he didn’t regret the decision one bit. He’d barely tolerated that lecher when he had no choice, when he was Jin Guangyao’s father and a powerful sect leader. But putting his hands on da-ge – thinking of doing more – “Let’s have that...theoretical discussion.”

“I knew I could count on you two,” Nie Huaisang said with satisfaction. “So here’s what I was thinking –”

-

One of the worst days of Nie Huaisang’s life started quite normally – waking up when his brother lifted him bodily out of bed and slung him over his shoulder.

“Da-ge!” he yelped. “Da-ge, no – it’s too early –”

“If you stayed up late, that’s your own problem,” his brother said with the sort of purposeful cheerful sadism that only a person who actually enjoyed waking up with the sun to go train could employ. “I told you yesterday that we were going to be training this morning.”

“But da-ge –”

“You missed the last three days. You’re not missing today.”

But it’s so fucking early, Nie Huaisang thought despairingly, drooping into dead weight over his brother’s shoulder – not that that helped, of course. His brother was too damn strong.

“Are you sure you’re not taking out your feelings about getting fat on me?” he asked, poking at his brother’s somewhat-rounder-than-usual waist. “That peacetime bulge of yours hasn’t gotten any smaller, you know…”

In all honestly, Nie Huaisang was delighted by the small swell of his brother’s usually flat stomach. His brother wasn’t vain – his body was a tool shaped for purpose – and the idea that his brother had finally let go enough, whether by eating more or resting more, to actually gain some weight…

“Whatever you say, pork bun,” his brother said, and Nie Huaisang yelped and hit him because he was not a pork bun! No matter how pale or chubby he might become!

It was a hot day, which of course made going through the steps of training even more miserable than usual. His brother was patient as always, showing him the steps and then making him repeat them a few times before starting up his own morning training routine; after a while, they both got into a nice rhythm, swings and chops.

Training wasn’t that bad, especially when it meant he could spend more time with his always-busy brother. He still didn’t like it, and obviously he had a reputation to uphold, and yes, it was obnoxious to get up early...but it could be worst.

And then, just as Nie Huaisang was turning to tell his brother a joke he’d heard the day before, he saw his brother abruptly turn pale and fall over.

He even dropped Baxia.

“Da-ge!” Nie Huaisang screamed, a thousand ancient fears rearing their heads at once, and he rushed over at top speed. “Someone get a doctor! Quick!”

Not a qi deviation, not a qi deviation, don’t be a qi deviation, he prayed, dropping to his knees next to his brother, who was already waking up – eyes clear, not red, and looking more confused than anything else. He’s too young, I’m not ready, I can’t lose him, not him, not yet, please –

On Nie Huaisang’s instructions, some of the nearby retainers helped Nie Mingjue back inside, even though he was insisting that he was fine.

“You collapsed,” Nie Huaisang snapped at him. “In morning training. You are going to see a doctor, and that’s final.”

Nie Mingjue held up his hands in surrender, looking amused at Nie Huaisang’s uncharacteristic fierceness. His amusement faded into sympathy when he realized why Nie Huaisang was so tense – their father’s death had hit them both hard – and he pulled Nie Huaisang into his arms for a hug.

“It’s not that,” he said confidently. “Not yet. The doctor will tell you.”

The doctor’s face did something funny, though, when he listened to Nie Mingjue’s pulse. Not the oh-no-it-really-is-a-minor-qi-deviation sort of funny or even a nah-total-fluke-you’re-overreacting sort of funny, more of a what-the-fuck sort of funny.

“What is it?” Nie Huaisang demanded. He knew enough medicine – the entire Nie sect knew enough medicine – to understand most basic diagnoses, as well as what they might mean for future health. “What type of pulse?”

The doctor hesitated.

“Well?” Nie Mingjue said. “Spit it out.”

“…a joy pulse,” the doctor said. “About five months, I’d guess.”

For a moment Nie Huaisang didn’t understand. It wasn’t that he didn’t know what a joy pulse was – he did have female friends, some of whom were now mothers – nor that he didn’t know that his brother was capable of carrying, he’d known that forever.

It was just that his brother was an antisocial misanthrope. He didn’t have any lovers, as far as Nie Huaisang knew, which meant he shouldn’t have a joy pulse. 

Besides, five months ago they were still at war! His brother took his duties far too seriously to waste time on a battlefield dallying with someone, anyone, and especially not if there was a major battle around that time. Five months ago there must have been one – which one was it?

Five months…the main force of the army had gone up from Xingtai to Shijiazhuang six months ago, and then there would have been – Yangquan.

Yangquan.

When his brother had been duped by false information into leading an attack on what should have been a mostly abandoned outpost, but which turned out to be in the middle of being reinforced by Wen Ruohan personally – when his brother had been captured – tortured – and even -

“Shit,” his brother said, presumably realizing at that exact moment that Nie Huaisang was capable of math and also dates and possibly even logic. “Doctor, you can go, thank you.”

Nie Huaisang didn’t even hear the doctor leave.

“Huaisang…didi…” His brother was trying to pull him into a hug, but Nie Huaisang didn’t want one, struggling unsuccessfully to get away. He didn’t want to be any closer to – to that – to the creature sitting his brother’s stomach, weighing him down; to what he’d thought was a sign of peace and good times and what was actually nothing more than yet another scar left by the war.

He’d actually been happy about it, and the thought twisted his stomach.

“Can you get rid of it?” he asked, voice strangled. “You can, right? It’s still early…”

“Five months is pretty close to quickening,” his brother said, wincing. “After quickening, the medicines don’t work as well. It might not be that easy.”

“Do you know how dangerous childbirth is?!” Nie Huaisang demanded. His mouth was moving on automatic; he wasn’t even thinking about what he was saying. He wasn’t thinking of anything, anything at all, because if he was thinking he’d have to think – he’d have to – his brother – “What if it kills you? You can’t let them kill you! Not after everything we did to avenge A-die!”

“I’m not going to die,” Nie Mingjue said, holding him tightly, his chin on Nie Huaisang’s head the way they always where when they hugged. “I’m a very good cultivator, Huaisang. My golden core will keep me healthy, even if I start bleeding…it won’t be like your mother. I promise.”

Nie Huaisang started shaking. “Da-ge,” he whimpered, pressing his face into his brother’s shoulder. “Da-ge, tell me…”

“Anything,” his brother promised, and he’d regret that promise in another moment, Nie Huaisang knew, the question would only cause him pain, but he needed to know. The second they were out of this situation his brother would clam up, pretend that nothing had happened and that it was all fine, so if he had questions – and he did – then he needed to answer them now.

“Was it – who was it? Was it him?”

His brother stilled.

“You said you’d tell me,” Nie Huaisang reminded him.

“…I don’t know,” his brother said. “I don’t – it could be. But it might be – someone else.”

There had been more than one, then. Nie Huaisang swallowed back bile, wanting to be sick. His father’s murderer had forced himself on his brother, and he’d let others do the same, and now they had to deal with the fallout.

“I want to kill them,” he whispered. “I want – I want them dead – all of them –”

“If it’s anything, I’ve made a pretty good head start on that already?” his brother offered, and of course his brother was trying to find some levity in a terrible situation. “We broke them, Huaisang. Even if some individuals remain, there’s no Wen sect left. If I do end up keeping it, the child won’t have a paternal family to lay a claim – they’ll be surnamed Nie. Another Nie, like you and me. You’ll be their uncle; you have to forgive them, it wasn’t their fault...you have to spoil them rotten.”

His brother’s thumb wiped away some of Nie Huaisang’s tears.

“You’ll be a good uncle, didi,” he murmured, pressing his lips to Nie Huaisang’s brow. “If the child is surnamed Nie, that’s all that matters.”

“People will know,” Nie Huaisang pointed out. “About you, about…I’m not the only one who can do math. We won’t…it can’t be kept quiet, can it? People will know. About you, about - what happened.”

“Let people know,” his brother, brave as ever, said with an indifferent shrug. “What do I care? In the end, it’s just another way to show that even when they threw everything they had against me, I still won.”

-

“What a charming child you have,” the young man from the mountain – Xiao Xingchen, he said his name was, and he was already famous despite having only been around for a few months – said, smiling down at her. “She’s beautiful.”

Nie Mingjue was not currently feeling especially kindly disposed towards human reproduction at the moment, being currently heavy with his second – the world needed more Nies, he wanted more Nies, children to keep Nie Huaisang company if that qi deviation he was promised ever actually turned up, and he had a very good list of cultivators with various pros and cons willing to help him introduce some more diversity into the Nie bloodline to try to minimize the chance of future qi deviations for his descendants, but at the same time he hated waddling around like a stuffed hippo with a bunch of people insisting that he not even think of physical exertion – but he nodded his thanks regardless.

At least for once someone wasn’t going to comment about the child’s parentage, he reflected wryly. There was only so much purposeful playing dumb a man could do, and the first year or so of his little baobei’s life – by the time they’d finally gotten around to trying to name her, the nickname had stick so firmly that they’d succumbed to reality and made her given name A-Bao, though of course, it being Qinghe, no one actually called her that – had really strained his tolerance in that specific regard. 

It was the quickest way to avoid awkwardness, to pass along the information while avoiding conversations he didn’t want to have, but still…

Nobody brought up on a celestial mountain would know about Wen Ruohan, though. He was pretty sure of that.

“And I see you’re expecting another? Sometime soon..?”

“I am,” Nie Mingjue said. “Soon enough.”

Not soon enough. He wanted to go back to training – why did he keep getting high blood pressure no matter how much medicine he took?

“I see,” Xiao Xingchen said. “You’ll have to let me give you a gift of some sort. Do you have a favorite form of cloth?”

Nie MIngjue blinked at him. “Cloth?”

That was a strange gift. Did Xiao Xingchen think that his sect was so poor that he couldn’t cloth a child?

Xiao Xingchen – who was really quite young – blushed red, the color going all the way to his ears.

“I’m sorry for my presumption,” he said, then hesitated, before saying, very delicately, “Have you finished preparing the nest for the egg, then?”