#one of his old buddies calls him up tells him they’ve got new tech and can really study tornadoes now

[shitouttabuck]

what if i wrote a twisters au……….

[ryoskuna]

⭑ shaken, not stirred universe. | introduction.

notes: we’ve heard about bartender!sukuna, so get ready for the others! think of this as those choose-your-own adventure games, where you can choose your own love interest and path. you’re not just limited to sukuna, but you’ve got many more love interests you can choose (or request).  this is just a humble introduction to the roles each jjk character fills within the shaken, not stirred universe, and may allude to some of the situations you may encounter on you way. so grab a snack, buckle in, cause it’s going to be one hell of a ride.

depending on how tumblr updates go, this may become a project reserved for AO3, but I’ll do what I can for now, here on tumblr. feel free to ask about any of the characters, and you all know how to find my inbox. additionally, i’m going to try and make this as gender-neutral and reader-neutral as possible, BUT, i’m also slightly biased in making content for black girls because I am one, so we’ll see how this goes. each drabble or fic will be marked for what kind of reader it discusses.  also, i’m a sucker for a good oc... so there may be a whole related series with an original character(s). this is just the introduction for the universe so you know who is who.

MAIN ROUTES INCLUDE: sukuna, toji, nanami, megumi, yuji, mei mei, gojo, and geto.  i’d be open to include routes for nobara, maki, inumaki, yuta, kamo, todo, momo, and mai (and maybe, choso) (but by default, nobara and maki are together unless requested individually, and mai is with momo (unless you request them individually as well). regardless of route, shoko and utahime are together.) but you would have to request these characters as in send me a message going “for the shaken not stirred universe, i would like a mai x reader, or nobara x reader”.

warnings: they’ll vary by route/character you choose, however, some general warnings is mentions of alcohol, past relationships, drama, angst. there’s some potential for 18+ content, however it will be marked as such (should it occur). oh, and there’s probably some unchecked grammar or spelling errors. there’s also a little bit of manga spoilers due to some characters being introduced.

summary: welcome to malevolent shrine, in the heart of shibuya, and one of the best rated bars on yelp.  for all it’s worth ( and that one entryway at the side that you have to go down a set of exterior stairs and through a laundromat to get through that entrance) and despite the name, in its two story glory, it’s a fun place to be. the people who enter or work there are even better. and they’ve all got stories to tell.  sit back, grab a drink, and prepare for what may be some of the most interesting events you’ve ever seen. 

bonus: sukuna specific playlist ( x ), malevolent shrine playlist ft. sounds from their local acts/musicians ( x ), more to be added later (i am thinking of one called ‘toji’s ipod shuffle’, another called ‘dancing in gojo’s living room’, and one called ‘sitting in the passenger seat of geto’s car’.) 

© all characters belong to gege akutami.  however, this au and associated ideas are of my own creation, do not steal. 

introducing the characters!

bartender!sukuna: new owner of the bar, malevolent shrine. when he gained ownership two years ago, he remodeled the bar and renamed it, as it was about to foreclose until he took managerial control, and the original owner gave him the bar when they retired.  has a college degree in art history and art, has a few business management courses under his belt.  he’s yuji’s older brother, and he’s very intense.  there’s headcanons for him here ( x ).  he has a signature drink, named after the bar, called malevolent shrine. 

accountant!nanami: think of him as sukuna’s second in command (next to uraume) but he manages the finances of malevolent shrine. also hates work, but sukuna allows him to do what he wants, so he enjoys it slightly more. has a signature drink called 7-to-3. 

budding model!nobara: in a professional rivalry with mai, however she is a signed to a modeling agency as well as growing in her instagram presence. 

college student!maki: she is in her senior year of college, and is an athlete that does track and field — shot-put and discus and javelin.

benefactor!gojo: an old classmate of sukuna’s, now turned benefactor and donor to malevolent shrine to keep it open. he and sukuna have a so-so relationship (with gojo remembering that sukuna took the job as a way to take care of his younger brother yuji and their grandfather). sukuna did make a drink in his honor called infinite void.

restaurant owner!geto: owns a high-scale restaurant with mei mei. raising two twin girls.  he’s mostly a retired pianist, but he helped sign the lease with mei mei for stability’s sake. 

benefactor!mei mei: is a rival to gojo, both in terms of owning her restaurant (more like funding it) and buys whatever she likes (whether it’s an item or a person). 

culinary student!yuji: works as a “head” of the kitchen at malevolent shrine. he’s sukuna’s younger brother, and sukuna tends to give him free reign on the meals that he makes. but everything he makes is good. when he’s not at school or malevolent shrine, he’s usually hanging out with nobara and megumi. 

indie artist!megumi: one of the main and recurring acts at malevolent shrine. plays the guitar and will deny that he ever learned how to play the violin. he’s sort of adopted by gojo, but knows his father toji, and they’re working on reconciling their relationship. he’s roommates with yuji and nobara, and often used as nobara’s photographer.

bouncer!toji: the dilf. he’s boxing buddies with sukuna, as well as a force to be reckoned with at the bar. he’s good at his job and dare someone to pick a fight with him. you won’t win.  sukuna made a drink in his honor called playful cloud. 

musician!kamo: does a mixture of traditional japanese music and heavy metal, and he’s rivals with megumi. he can play an electric shamisen.

instagram model!mai and makeup artist!momo: sort of girlfriends, sort of FWBs, sort of exes, no one is exactly sure what’s going on there, and no one wants to ask. mai is a popular instagram model, but has yet to be signed to an agency. momo is her makeup artist, as well as a professional one. 

part-time waitress!miwa: she works at malevolent shrine, helping as a waitress, and has a baking yt channel that’s growing in popularity and often features her two brothers. 

physical trainer!todo: works at the gym sukuna and toji frequently attend. he’s very supportive to old and newcomers alike, and does not tolerate elitists who have been going to the gym for years. he also does the occasional twitch stream of his workouts.

guitarist!yuta: plays the guitar for inumaki. he can play both electric and acoustic, and he’s like a second cousin to gojo, although no one is exactly sure how they’re related.

singer!inumaki: he’s a singer, however, no one has ever seen his face when he performs. he performs as a silhouette behind a screen.

paramedic!shoko and high school teacher!utahime: shoko is a paramedic who attends the bar on her days off, and often drags utahime along. shoko makes sure that geto and gojo get along in public, and makes sure utahime relaxes to some extent.

shoko and sukuna hold each other accountable for not relapsing on their smoking addiction.

promotions and tech support!mechamaru: works at malevolent shrine and helps with the graphic design as well as tech support for the bands and musical acts that come through the bar. watches miwa’s baking channel in his spare time, and will talk to her about her recipes. has a crush on miwa.

notes: 

geto and gojo are very complicated exes. no one knows how they broke up or why — just that it happened in front of a kfc —but there’s so many stories about them floating around like they were going to elope and travel the world, but no one knows the exact truth. 

gojo raised megumi and tsumiki very briefly for some years while toji was a brief drifter. yes, megumi is aware that toji is his dad.

yuji, nobara, and megumi are roommates.

yuta and inumaki are a musical duo. they come as a set.

[wienerbarnes]

Much Ado About Nothing (1/6)

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 2,726

Warnings: enemies to lovers, talk of wedding and marriage stuff

A/N: enjoy the first part and let me know what u think!

MAIN MASTERLIST | MUCH ADO MASTERLIST

The ride back to New York feels a lot longer than the ride to Croatia, Bucky decides. HYDRA wasn’t kidding around when they said cut one head off and two take its place, whatever. No matter how hard Earth’s Mightiest Heroes try, there’s another facility that pops up at one point or another.

Bucky tries to think positively; they should be off HYDRA duty, if they keep up the consistent schedule of finding a new facility every three or so months, for a bit now.

“What’s the first thing you guys are gonna do when you get back? I’m gonna get some hot chocolate from the little cafeteria in the main building.” Sam hums from the seat directly behind Bucky.

Bucky’s in the passenger while Steve pilots and he gives his own answer at the same time as Steve,

“Shower.”

“Propose to Sharon.”

A small pause for the boys to ensure they heard that correctly.

“Wanna run that by us again, Cap?” Sam pipes up.

“When we land, I’m going to propose to Sharon.” Steve repeats nonchalantly.

“Since when?!” Bucky asks. He knows for a fact that Steve and Sharon adore each other, but Steve has never brought up marriage once in the time he’s dated Sharon, and clearly he hasn’t done so to Sam, either.

“Listen, I know we haven’t been dating long, but I know I love her and I know she loves me, so, what’s the point in waiting?” He explains.

“Is this about what happened earlier, Steve?” Bucky asks, knowing his best friend all too well.

A bomb was in the facility, of course, and Steve and Bucky tried to disarm it while Sam rallied the rest of prisoners out of the building.

Now, while Steve has obtained most of his training through his serum-fueled muscle memory and military experience over the last few decades, he is extremely lucky. Steve has successfully disarmed twenty-nine bombs throughout his Avengers career. Not a single failure. With no bomb training.

So when he cut one of the wires confidently and the timer started ticking faster, it made him nervous. And it made him even more nervous when he clipped a different wire and the time counter automatically set to zero. He froze in shock and was lucky Bucky was able to fling the two of them out a window and away from the direct blast.

“Okay, so, yeah, maybe I got a little scared. But, listen, it’s not a lie that we lead dangerous lives. Why should I hold back on the things I want if I know tomorrow isn’t promised?” Steve defends.

“Steve, you can’t marry a girl because you’re scared of dying!” Bucky exclaims.

“I’m not marrying her for that, Bucky, I love her!”

“I know you love her, but -”

“But?! -”

“Alright, alright, listen,” Sam interrupts their sibling bickering, “If this is what you want, I’m with you 100%, Cap.” Sam reassures.

Steve gives a thankful smile and looks back to Bucky, hoping for the same.

“You know I’m always on board with you, you punk.” Bucky slaps a hand on his shoulder.

“Thanks, guys.”

“Ah, big man’s gonna be engaged!” Sam throws his hands on Steve’s shoulders, jostling his body in the tiny pilot’s seat, and Bucky joins in on the teasing.

“I’m gonna tell everyone to meet in the hangar for when you ask her.” Sam says, pulling out his phone.

“You’re not gonna tell the Geek, are you?” Bucky groans.

“Of course, I’m gonna tell her. I don’t know why you don’t like her, man.”

Bucky rolls his eyes at the thought of the little lab rat. Sharon’s best friend. A young girl, born and raised in New York though thoroughly traveled through your work experience. Been to over fifty countries offering your expertise to combat cyberterrorism and have helped locate some of the hardest-to-find and worst people in the world.

You act like you’re all that just because you’re considered one of the youngest geniuses in the country and one of the greatest hackers in the world as well as the Avengers’ best tech expert of all time.

Whatever, big whoop, Bucky could care less.

As the jet lands, hugs and cheers are exchanged as the group of friends reacquaint themselves once again after a long mission. After greeting everyone, Bucky hangs on the outskirts of the group, waiting to see how Steve is going to pop his big question.

“C’mon, punk, don’t lose your courage.” Bucky talks to himself.

“I don’t know if you noticed, Bucky, but no one’s listening to you. You can stop talking.” Your voice pipes up next to him.

“Oh, hey, Little Miss Geeky, don’t you have some codes to hack, or something?” He bites at you.

“I told you not to call me that!”

“I told you not to call me that,” Bucky mocks you in a higher pitched voice.

“Geez, how does anyone stand you around here? I don’t get how all the female trainees are infatuated with you.”

“They definitely kiss my ass because I train them and I have the final say on whether or not they move on to second-class training, but even if I didn’t,” Bucky turns to face you now, “They’d still love me because every woman here loves me except for you, it seems.”

“Doesn’t matter anyway, I’m not interested in getting involved with anyone or anything right now, I don’t even know I’m capable of that, anymore.” Bucky finishes.

“Women everywhere are lucky, then. You’d make a horrible boyfriend. I’m glad I have no need for romance, either.”

“Hopefully you keep it that way, any guy that ends up with your catty ass will end up with his face scratched up.”

“Well, if his face looks anything like yours, a good scratching would only make it look better.”

“Alright, alright, enough, you two. Can’t even be civil around each other for five minutes.” Sam interrupts, slinging each of his arms around both you and Bucky’s shoulders, shoving himself in between the two of you.

“She started it.”

“No, he -”

“Stop! He’s about to do it.” Sam shushes you.

“He’s about to do what -”

“Guys, guys, I want everyone’s attention.” Steve’s voice calls out, and everyone quiets down immediately.

Steve turns to Sharon, “Sharon, you are the most beautiful, the strongest, the kindest, and most amazing woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on.” He begins.

“I’ve known for a while now, and I know you have, too, that I love you with every fiber of my being. You make me a better Captain, and a better man every day I’m with you. I truly and deeply believe that you’re my soulmate and I won’t ever find another girl like you in my life. You’re all I’ve ever wanted. So, I don’t want to waste anymore time,” Steve lowers down onto one knee and a few gasps echo from the group.

Bucky sees you slap a hand over your mouth in shock and Sam sniffles beside him. A small smile appears on Bucky’s face, too.

“Sharon, will you make me the happiest man alive, and marry me?”

“Yes, yes, yes! Steve, yes I’ll marry you!” Sharon cries out, jumping into Steve’s arms as he stands again, and the group claps and cheers for them.

They share sweet kiss after sweet kiss, relishing in the new step in their relationship.

Sharon’s voice catches everyone in their celebration, though, “Let’s get married now!”

Collective what’s come from the group of friends that surround them, “Like you said, babe, let’s not waste anymore time!”

“Sharon, if you think you’re not getting the most gorgeous and lovely wedding you deserve, you’re mistaken.” You tell her.

“For once, I agree with Techie, Shar. I mean you don’t have a dress, Steve doesn’t have a tux; hell, the two of you don’t even have rings!” Bucky says.

“I can make it happen in a week.” Tony’s voice booms from the group. Everyone looks to him.

“I can get you guys rings, I can get Sharon a dress, and Steve a suit, I can set up the smaller ballroom for a pre-wedding party for everyone tonight and get the bigger ballroom ready for a wedding by next Friday.” Tony offers.

“Consider it a wedding gift.” He smiles.

Sharon and Steve look to each other before looking back at Tony, “Next Friday it is, then.”

The group goes back to congratulating the newly engaged couple as well as conversing about the future wedding.

...

“Hey, did you guys hear about the rumored wedding?”

Bruce Banner pipes up in the empty lab after returning from downstairs. Well, not empty, of course, but empty of you, the intern’s tech leader in their internship.

“What idiot would want to get married, nowadays?” John pipes up.

The only reason he’s here is because his step-brother, Sam “The Falcon” Wilson insisted on getting him this internship gig. Everyone was always saying how he wasn’t going to live up to his big brother’s legacy, and he hated the fact that that was only ingrained into his existence further by the fact that Sam got him this position.

“Your brother’s best buddy.” Clint Barton enters and answers. Always roaming around the building, he is.

“What, that pretty boy, Steve?”

“That’s the one.” The archer confirms and plops himself down in a spinning chair.

“Huh. And I guess he’s marrying that pretty girlfriend of his? When did this happen?”

“That he is. It happened just downstairs now that they’ve returned from that mission. There’s a party tonight to celebrate.” Banner informs him, hoping the sound of a party will liven the kid’s spirits a bit.

Banner can see the kid’s frustration in living in his brother’s shadow - or feeling like so - and hopes that allowing him the opportunity to make some good memories will make his time here feel a little less miserable. Despite the connection to his brother, John’s incredibly smart for a nineteen-year-old, a teenager, and deserves to have a little play among all his work.

“Hmmm. I think I’ll go. Who doesn't love a good party, right?” John says, satisfying both Avengers in the lab with him.

Meanwhile, John’s fantasizing, he’s going to get into trouble around here.

…

Sharon, Tony, and you sit around a small table in the cafeteria while Sam waits for his hot chocolate across the room.

“If only I could find a guy in between Steve and Bucky. Steve’s too vanilla and Bucky’s too… Bucky.” You say.

“Keep thinking like that and you won’t find anyone.” Tony tells you.

“Well, good. I pray everyday that God doesn’t send me a husband. Ugh, and especially not a guy like Steve or Bucky; I can’t stand those beards.”

“Maybe you’ll find a husband that shaves.” Sharon offers.

“I know I’m not hearing my darling Geeky and husband as topics in the same conversation.” Sam finally joins with his cup of hot chocolate.

“You’re right, you’re not. I’ll start looking for a husband when they make men out of something other than trash. Speaking of which, I know Steve is America’s Golden Boy, or whatever, but you make sure he treats you right.” You say.

“I second that.” Sam agrees.

“I third it.” Tony follows.

Sharon laughs, “Guys, guys, I appreciate it, but I don’t need you guys to have that talk with me, Steve is amazing, and you all know it.”

“Yeah, yeah, anyway, I’m going to go shower for the party tonight, I’ve been holed up in the lab all morning.” You stand and go to exit the cafeteria.

Bucky’s way ahead of you in that aspect, following through with what he said on the jet and retreating up to his room to shower as soon as the congratulations were given to the happy couple.

Showering is a special ritual Bucky follows after a rough mission. Of course, everyone showers after a mission, but Bucky makes his post-mission showers extra special.

He double shampoos both his hair and his beard, lathering them up with a smooth conditioner after, while he washes all the dirt and gunk from his body with a lavender and grapeseed oil body soap.

He applies a face mask while he cleans up any wounds he might’ve sustained on the mission, as well as polishing and scrubbing his metal arm clean. Once he’s finished, he painfully reminds himself that he can’t just sleep for the next sixteen hours. He has to get ready to go to a party.

He sighs to himself, “Let’s get this over with.”

…

Everyone in the ballroom is dressed to the nines for the last-minute engagement party. There’s music, dancing, drinks, and just about everyone that works in the tower is in that room.

The group of friends all find each other eventually, and of course all of the attention is on the future bride and groom. Talk of colors and themes and cakes all overwhelm the couple - the question of whether or not Sharon will wear a garter makes Steve blush.

Quite honestly, they’re on the verge of just eloping downtown and saying to hell with all the parties and festivities.

“Okay, okay, can we talk about something else? I don’t want all this wedding stuff to be the only thing I hear about for the next seven days.” Sharon finally interrupts.

“Okay, what do you want to talk about, Miss Bride-to-be?” You ask.

“Well, how about when you’re going to find yourself a husband?” Sharon teases her friend, knowing how much she despises talking about her own love life, or lack thereof.

“Oh no, absolutely not, not this again. I’m going to get a drink.” You wave her off, stepping away from the group and making your way back towards the open bar.

“I hope I didn’t arrive just as we were talking about relationship stuff.” Bucky says as he arrives and finally finds his friends.

“I’m afraid you did.” Natasha confirms beside Sharon.

“In that case, I’m gonna follow Geeky’s lead and get a drink; I’ll certainly need one for that conversation.” Bucky excuses himself, the shadow of his dark blue suit follows the flow of your navy gown worn tonight; you surely matched by complete accident.

“Imagine if they were married.” Sharon thinks aloud to Natasha.

“Who? Barnes and Geek-a-Chic? Please, they’d kill each other within a week of being married.” Natasha argues.

“I hope y'all aren’t talking about our Barnes and Techie, because there’s no way in hell they’d be caught dead with each other like that.” Sam butts in, Steve by his side.

“C’mon guys, think about it. It’s like opposites attract and all that. Plus, I think they are the only people that are a match for their own wits.” Sharon explains.

“I don’t know, babe. They’re constantly at each other’s necks; I don’t even think they’ve had a normal conversation with each other without insults or bickering.” Steve says.

“I suggest we do the impossible.” Tony interrupts, clearly having had a few too many drinks.

“While we wait for the wedding to come, we are going to set those two up together.” He hiccups.

“Tony, you’re crazy.”

“That’ll never work.”

“I’m with it!” Sam shouts, excited to play along and work with Tony on his shenanigans.

“Atta boy, Sammy! C’mon, Sharon? Nat? Steve? Where’s Clint, I know he’ll be on board with this.” Tony whips his head around in all directions looking for the archer.

“C’mon, guys, it’ll be fun! The worst that can happen is that we fail.” Sam tries to convince.

“I think the worst that can happen is that we succeed! Imagine Barnes and her together!” Natasha exclaims.

“I just want her to be happy. She deserves a good boyfriend and husband.” Sharon says sweetly, Sam words slowly convincing her.

“I agree.” Steve chimes in, wanting the best for his own best friend as well.

The five of them turn towards the bar to see Bucky and their favorite tech nerd pushing and shoving at each other’s shoulders, clearly fighting about something once again.

“Alright, I’m on board. Let’s do it.” Natasha finally agrees.

John watches the happy friend group from a distance. He sees his brother smiling and laughing with his friends; his famous, talented, skilled friends, his friends who are soon going to be married and live happily ever after.

Not if he can help it, anyway.

[glenncoco4]

You Can Count On Me

A/N: Chapter 4

••••

4 months later...

Hetty walks into the bullpen, interrupting Kensi and Sam’s conversation, and quickly notices one looking a little worse for wear. “Ms. Blye. Mr. Hanna. Oversleep again, did you?”

Kensi tries to bite back a smile as the ex-SEAL gets called out because of his partner’s inability to show some decorum when it comes to being a house guest.  

The OSP Manager begins to pace back and forth between the desks before abruptly stopping. “Early this morning, I got a call from the LAPD. They’ve lost contact with Detective Deeks. He’s been on an extended undercover assignment since he left us.”

Callen walks up to his desk just in time to hear his boss’ announcement. “How long has he been out of contact?”

“Yesterday afternoon.” The small woman quickly answers. 

“It’s kind of soon to be hitting the panic button, isn’t it?” Sam states, wondering why LAPD is so quickly to sound the alarm on a detective that’s undercover. 

Hetty nods in understanding as she turns to the tech operator. “Mr. Beale.” 

The three agents turn towards the screen being met with an image of a charred car. All knowing that it’d be almost impossible to survive something like that. “14 hours ago, a bomb detonated in this car in South Central. Two occupants, both killed.”

“Emilio Ortega and his bodyguard, Luis Fellano.” Eric states, sending a wave of relief through the junior agent’s body. 

Hetty looks to Kensi,  knowing that this situation will be affecting her more than the others. “They were both targets of Detective Deeks’ undercover assignment.” As soon as she locks eyes with the brunette, Hetty watches the sinking feeling cross her features. 

As dread fills her heart, Kensi’s mind can’t help but go back to the first time she feared for her best friend’s life.

Her eyes go wide in terror as her father turns down the street and the raging inferno spews from Marty and Bertie’s new apartment.“Daddy!” 

Quickly pulling up to the building and slamming on the breaks, Don and Kensi both jump out of the truck. The older man turns to his little girl. “Baby girl, I need you to go next door and call 911.”

“But, dad.”

“Do it!” 

Before she can respond again, she watches her father run towards the front door, kicking it in just a gulf of flames come out. Once clear, he covers his nose and rushes into the apartment. 

The 9 year old feels as if time is slowly passing by, it feels like hours before she’s able to pull herself together and start towards the neighbor’s house, doing what her father told her. She’s just about to start heading next door when a sudden shatter pulls her attention back to the building. 

As the smoke continues to build, Marty hurriedly runs out the front door, coughing and wheezing. His eyes are burning but suddenly become clearer when his eyes meet hers. The shaggy blonde watches as his best friend rushes over to him, panic written clear across her features. 

“Are you okay?”

“I’ve been better.”

Shaking her head, the brunette carefully avoids the gash across his left forearm and throws the other around her shoulder helping him towards the blue pickup truck. She opens the tailgate, prompting him to sit down before she rushes to the front seat, returning with a bottle of water and old rag. Kensi douses the rag with some water before handing the bottle over to Marty and starts to wipe the soot off his face. “What happened?”

“He found us.”

Her brow furrows in confusion before it hits her. He? Gordon. “He…where is he now?” 

Marty takes a sip of water and turns back to the inflamed building once again. “Your dad, he was-“

A loud explosion interrupts the 12 year old, making both their eyes go wide in trepidation. 

She may be young but only takes a few seconds after seeing the explosion that makes her realize what it most likely means for her dad and Roberta. “Oh my god.”

“Kensi!”

The two pair of eyes fly to the side of the building as Don comes into view, in his arms Roberta’s limp body lays, blood running down her face. “Marty, buddy, hop up.”

The blonde does as he’s told, watching as the man who’s more like a father to him than his own lays his mother down on the tailgate. “Is she okay?”

“Yes, she’s going to be fine. Gordon just hit her over the head.”

“Where is he?” Kensi questions, looking around ready to open a can of whoop ass. 

“He’s had a knife. I had to fight him off.” Don turns his attention away from Roberta and towards the 12 year old, a frown playing at his lips. He knows how horrible Gordon treated the pair and frankly he’s not sorry for how it ended. “He’s not gonna hurt either of you any more.”

As Don’s words it him, tears begin to pool in his eyes as a sudden sense of relief takes over his being. Before he can truly process what’s happening, Don places his hand on the boy’s shoulder, pulling him in for a hug to end all dad hugs. “Thank you.”

“Kensi?”

She’s drawn out of her thoughts, at the sound of the team leader calling her name. “Huh?”

“Did you get all that?” Sam questions, noticing she’s caught a bit off guard, who could blame her. 

She shakes her head, trying to focus her attention back to the present. “I’m sorry, what?”

Stepping up to her, the ex-Navy SEAL bends down, now eye level with her, his eyes gaining the attention of hers. “Hey, look at me. I know you’re close to this. Can you keep your head in the game?”

She nods before taking a deep calming breath. “Of course.”

“Okay, now lets go talk to Detective Traynor and see if we can get your boy back.”

Her boy. She wishes.

••••

She steps inside the boat shed, immediately meeting the eyes of her best friend’s handler. “Hey, Jess.”

Detective Traynor takes the agents offered hug. “Hey, Kens, I’m doing everything I can to find him?”

“I know.” She nods, knowing that after her, Jess is one of the people that Marty can trust and has a solid relationship with.

Hearing the door close, Kensi turns towards her teammates. “Jess, this is agents Callen and Hanna.”

Each of the boys shake her hand before quickly getting to the situation at hand. 

“Detective Traynor, tell us what you know.” Callen asks, knowing how pertinent each and every single detail is.

The three listen as the detective explains the situation and operation that Deeks is involved in. 

As Jess is explaining the case, Kensi can see in her teammates eyes that they’re thinking Jess and Marty may have had something going on by the way she’s talking about him. Little do they know that the detective is batting for the other team, Jess that is. It kinda makes her smile for a brief moment as she thinks back to when she and Marty unexpectedly ran into the detective and her girlfriend at the beach one evening. The pure and utter surprise written on her best friend’s face was the definition of a Kodak moment. But it was her elbow connecting with his ribs, making him wince after he mentioned that she should join the girlfriends for a threesome, that really makes her smile. 

••••

Once Jess leaves Kensi and the guys decide to head back to the mission to see if Eric has any lead. Just as she steps outside, her phone starts buzzing. She quickly pulls it from her pocket, seeing an unknown number and pushes the green button, hoping and praying to anyone that will listen that it’s him. “Marty?”

“Kens.”

“Where are you?”

“Our spot.”

She takes a deep calming breath, focusing on the sound of his voice. “Okay, just stay there. I’m on my way.”

“Kens?” 

Her throat strains, trying to stop herself from crying as she hears the turmoil in his voice. “Yeah?”

“I...”

He’s still stunned, and she knows it. She can’t help but think about the photos of the charred car and how close he was to losing his life. How close she was to losing him. “I know. I know. I’ll be there in five minutes.”

[themonkeycabal]

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Episode 1 SPOILERS

If you need to blacklist, I will be tagging all things as #tfatws and/or #tfatws spoilers

My roommate keeps calling this The Falcon and the Snowman. I'm not entirely sure it's accidental.

I was going to watch at midnight and then fell asleep. Betrayal. I will not forgive this, brain.

Bucky Barnes character development. Sam Wilson character development. Six full episodes of Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson. When we watched Civil War, did we think we'd actually be lucky enough to get a buddy idiot cop movie? Let alone six hours of it? #blessed

What are we expecting here? I have no idea, honestly. I think all the clips we've been seeing are from the first couple episodes, so they've hidden any sort of plot from us. We know Baron Zemo's around with his stupid purple ski mask and burning hatred for superheroes and probably specifically for Bucky who he tried (and honestly kind of succeeded, before then ultimately failing dramatically) to set up. And Sharon Carter will turn up at some point. OMG guys, Sharon Carter character development!

I'm just here for the buddy bickering and badassery.

SPOILERS BELOW

New World Order: Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes realize that their futures are anything but normal. *Realize*? lol

Also, it's tagged as "science fiction, action-adventure, buddy" Awww.

Aww, Sam looks sad as he gazes at The Shield.

"How's it feel?" "Like it's someone else's." "It isn't."

That's right, Sam! Listen to that voice. That's yours now, baby.

We're just going to roll right into a mission. Rescuing a Captain Vassant, whose plane fell out of contact shortly after take off, from the ridiculously named group LAF, somewhere over Tunisia. Sam's got to keep LAF from doing bad things and the US Military can't be seen doing anything blah blah blah, violation of treaties, yada yada. And Sam's all "blah blah got it". We're on the same page, Sam and me. Nobody wants to hear it, Briefing Exposition Guy.

We will have a Lt. Torres on the ground following along and offering helpful commentary as they go.

Sam is warned to be subtle as he falls backwards out of the cargo plane in very dramatic fashion and then swoops off on his brightly colored wings. lol

Sam gets to the captain's plane but the pilot is dead and a shady LAF guy is piloting. Oh no. Hey, it's Batroc. Last seen getting his ass kicked by Captain America in "CA: The Winter Soldier". He makes some jokes about their prisoner - presumably Captain Vassant. Awful cocky for a guy with a history of getting stomped on, you know.

Anyway, he's about to get his ass kicked by a Captain America again as Sam breaks into the plane. You might just be using wing shields now, Sam, but you're Captain America in my heart. Also, hey, dumb bad guys, don't open fire with an automatic weapon inside a plane or the ricochets might kill your pilot. And his body will slump forward and put the plane into a steep dive.

Batroc distracts Sam while the bad guys gather up Vassant and jump out of the plane with him. They have wingsuits, but Sam has, you know, wings. And like a jet pack. Don't hit the canyon walls, Sam!

Somehow the bad guys have waiting gunships. Did they expect to jump out of the plane over this canyon? I can only assume. Red Wing takes care of one of the helicopters. Man these guys are a pain in the ass. They wing suit into one of the many many helicopters that just happen to be right in the right spot. They're racing for the Libyan border. Then Sam shows up, they throw Vassant out the copter again — this guy is having the worst day — and glide into another chopper.

Man ANOTHER gunship? The hell? They're causing serious ecological damage to this canyon, what with all the zillionty missiles they're firing at Sam. How strapped is this thing?

LT Torres is trying to keep up, and you know, trying to get Sam to not fly into Libyan territory and cause an international incident or some such. Sam is struck by inspiration and not by a missile. But, the missiles are following Sam and Sam is following Batroc's chopper. Sam zooms through the open doors of the chopper, knocks poor Vassant out of the chopper AGAIN (but then catches him), and LAF blows up their own helicopter. Alas, Batroc escaped.

Sam saves the day and LT Torres is like super excited. Don't break your humvee, Torres.

Torres and Sam stop by a tea shop in Tunis, or somewhere. Sam's trying to fix his tech that got a little shot up and Torres buys the tea. A man comes up and thanks Sam for saving his wife. It's sweet. And then Torres gets up and wanders about a bit with his phone as he exposits about LAF. Is Torres about to become a pin cushion? Only instead of pins it'll be bullets? I'm not feeling good about his continued health. He's too cute and earnest.

Oh, he's looking for some sort of hidden, augmented reality tag on the walls. A red handprint, id'ing some group that calls themselves the Flag Smashers. Bad guys are really scraping the bottom of the evil name barrel. Anyway, they think the world was better during the blip. Nothing says better like mass failure of infrastructure and probably world wide famine. They want a unified world without borders. I have big doubts the world would be a borderless utopia during a blip-like event. Power vacuums invite trouble, seldom unity.

Anyhoo. Sam kind of agrees with me, "every time something gets better for one group, it gets worse for another".

Torres will track the 'online chatter'. But he's also heard some wacky things about Steve Rogers, conspiracy theory stuff, "they think that he's in a secret base on the moon, looking down over us". LOL. What? Is Steve a moon angel now? or Santa Claus? "You didn't like fly him to the moon?" Sam assures him that's all very much silly foolishness. Steve's in Boca working on his tan.

Sam's back in D.C. giving a talk about Steve at the Smithsonian's National Air & Space museum. "And he mastered posing stoically". Hey, I have that picture. Also, RHODEY! Hi Rhodey!

"A few months ago, billions of people reappeared after 5 years away. Sending the world into turmoil." Again. I know this was meant to come out before WandaVision, but timeline-wise this works better.

"We need new heroes. Ones suited for the times we're in. Symbols are nothing without the women and men that give them meaning." Sam holds up The Shield. "I don't know if there's been a greater symbol." Aww, he's retiring the shield. He hands it off to museum people and they put it in a display case. I think Rhodey has some thoughts about this. I suspect Rhodey maybe doesn't agree.

Sam and Rhodey wander through the Cap exhibit and Sam's talking about how when he left (or got snapped, it's not like you had a choice about that, Sam), his nephews were babies and now they're little men. Awww. Rhodey says Sam should bring them to D.C., he'll teach them how to fly, "the right way". lol.

Rhodey says it's crazy to think nobody will be carrying the shield. Sam points out they went 70 years without, so like …

Rhodey wants to know why Sam didn't take up the mantle. BTW, this is a cool exhibit, marvel peeps. Sam says it feels like it belongs to someone else … Steve. Rhodey says everything's broken. Allies are enemies, things are torn apart. People are looking for somebody to make it better. Having made his pitch, Rhodey leaves Sam to stare mournfully at the shield. I think you're afraid to pick up the shield, Sam. Afraid you won't measure up. But, you can do it. I have faith. Also, Steve was kind of a disaster in his own way. He wasn't perfect, which was the point of Steve as a hero. Pick up the shield, Sam.

A fancy hotel, chatting people in the lobby, up to a mezzanine, a group of very Russian oligarch looking dudes and their security. And lo! A metal arm punches through a wall and the Winter Soldier, looking very Winter Soldiery appears and stabs some dudes in the neck. This has a sepia, dream/nightmareness to it. Oh yeah, it's his old shiny silver arm. Totally a nightmare/very bad memory. "Hail Hydra" and he kills the head Russian guy. The poor dude who was just chatting in the lobby is caught trying to get into his door. He swears he didn't see anything, begs for his life and the Winter Soldier shoots him. Bucky wakes up, breathing heavily. Poor Bucky.

Glad he's in therapy. I'm sure goat herding in Wakanda was good and peaceful and all, but, goats will only get you so far. Also glad we've skipped the "wanted terrorist" part and gone on to traumatized hero.

I get the feeling he's not the best patient. He lies to his therapist straight off. Twice. lol. "You're a civilian now. With your history the government needs to know, you're not gonna … [therapist makes stabby motion]." lol (I love this actress by the way. She's been in everything for ages. She's great). "It's a condition of your pardon. So tell me about your most recent nightmare." "I didn't have a nightmare." She starts writing, Bucky objects and tells her she's being passive-aggressive, but he gives in.  

He has a list of amends to make and three rules to follow. He crossed a name off. There's a Hydra pawn who's a senator, he helped her get into office. "After Hydra disbanded, she continued to use the power I gave her." Hmm. He tracks her car and listens in on her plotting to have a congressman killed.

* Rule number one: Can't do anything illegal.

He's hijacked the Senator's car and is remote controlling it, making it drive all out of control and freaking her out. He says he was collecting intel to give to an aide to convict her. Absolutely only did that. Not one illegal thing about that at all, no ma'am.

"Rule number two?" "Hmm. What was rule number two?" "Nobody gets hurt. It's a big one." "Then why isn't it rule number one?" Oh, Bucky, you're a jackass.

* Rule number two: Nobody gets hurt.

"I didn't hurt anybody. Promise." He totally broke a dude's hand and then punched him in the face, knocking him out. I mean, there's levels of 'hurt' I suppose.

"The whole point of making amends is to fulfill rule number three." "Of course I completed rule number three."

* Rule number three: "I am no longer the Winter Soldier. I am James 'Bucky' Barnes. And you're part of my efforts to make amends." He says to the corrupt senator he's just been terrifying. And then he walks away as a tac team pulls up. lol.

What I'm getting from this therapy session is that Bucky is a big fat fibber.

Also he's got a little black book full of names. Including, I see, H. Zemo. That's not going to go as smoothly as taking down a shady government fatcat, I think.

"So you did it all right, but it didn't help with the nightmares?" "Well, like I said, I didn't have any." Fibber.

People wanna help you Bucky and you can trust them. "I trust people," he mutters grumpily. She asks for his phone and he hands it over. Look, lady! Trust! Probably government mandated trust, but still!

"You don't have ten phone numbers on this thing." … I don't have ten phone numbers on my phone. :( "Oh, and you've been ignoring texts from Sam." Well …

"I am the only person you have called all week. That is so sad." lol. Tough love from the therapist. I'm feeling a little judged myself, though. "You're alone." ALRIGHT DON'T RUB IT IN!

"You're a hundred years old. You have no history. No family—" "Are you lashing out at me, doc? Because that's really unprofessional." I love you Bucky, but you are a disaster patient.

Bucky relents. "I'm trying. This is new for me. I didn't have a moment to deal with anything. I had a little calm in Wakanda. And other than that, I just went from one fight to another for 90 years." Get this man a goat farm!

"So now that you've stopped fighting, what do you want?" "Peace." A goat farm. "That is utter bullshit." lol "You're a terrible shrink." "I was an excellent soldier, so I saw a lot of dead bodies and I know how that can shut you down. And if you are alone, that is the quietest, most personal hell." Get some friends, Bucky. "I know you've been through a lot. But, you've got your mind back. You're being pardoned. These are good things. You're free." "To do what?"

On the streets of Brooklyn. Bucky breaks up an argument between neighbors about trashcans. Hey, Bucky has a friend! Yori Nakajima who's probably like 80+. Did you babysit him back in the day, Buck? har har. They were going to meet for lunch, but some punk named Unique was putting his trash into Mr. Nakajima's trash can and just derailed the whole day. The horror. No joke, though, people get so nutted up about that. It's weird to me. Of course, I did also have a neighbor who never put out his trash for pickup and just snuck out at night before trash day and distributed his garbage into in other people's bins. Cheapass.

"Hey man, I'm Unique. Like Monique but it's got a 'u' in there for uniqueness." Yeah, you should have let Yori smack him, Buck.

Well now Yori is just not in the mood for lunch. Bucky tries to persuade him, but one grumpy old man out grumps the other. "But Izzy. We always go to Izzy on Wednesday. What if I buy?" "Fine. But no talking." lol. BFFs!

Yori is looking at the obituaries. "Look, nobody made it past 90 this week." Bucky tsks "So young, such a shame."

Bucky kind of smiles at the girl behind the counter at the sushi joint, Yori tells him he should ask her out. Bucky makes a "are you nuts, shut up" face. That doesn't stop Yori. "He would like to take you out on a date. Maybe to bingo or a night of pinochle." You're a wild man, Yori!

She's down by it, though, and she and Yori hammer out the details while Bucky's like uh, okay, so wow, that's happening. "There's a dance to these things. You can't … you gotta warm up and I haven't danced since 1943."

Yori sees something and suddenly gets sad. His son loves red bean mochi. His son was a consultant, working abroad and he was killed. Oh. Oh Bucky, why you gotta … Yori's son was the innocent witness he killed at the hotel in his nightmare/memory. "I will never know what really happened to him." Brutal.

Delacroix, Louisana

Sam's on his way home. Wilson Family Seafood. Aww. His nephews are helping mom with the catch. "Blue for the snapper, orange for the white fish," Sam calls out. The boys run over to him. They do look like fine gentlemen. It's weird, Sam, I get it. I recently realized my oldest nephew will be 13 in May and it's like "no, he's only in kindergarten, what are you talking about?"

His sister greets him then tells him he's looking all sneaky. Sam deflects. Their boat has seen better days. The Paul & Darlene. Aww. Is that his parents names? "Baby being held together by duct tape and prayers." Just needs to float long enough for his sister to sell it. But Sam's all, uh I thought we were going to *discuss* that. Uh oh, family drama. "We did, and then you were off fighting Dr Space Cape or whatever (lol), while I was holding it together for five long years." Ouch.

Sam is not down by this selling the boat thing. His sister doesn't seem to think they're in a position to hold on to it. Also, she'd really like to not hash this out on the pier with like twenty other people around, Sam.

They get into more of an argument on the boat. The family biz is not doing well financially. Sarah won't let Sam help for some reason, and he makes some comment about the house and loans and she punches him in the chest. lol "I forgot how hard you hit."

Sam insists they can turn it around, consolidate loans. And she's all, been there done that, I've come to terms with this. He's a persistent little jerk. This is such a perfectly sibling argument. Notably he has moved himself out of punching range.

Aww, she wants to believe he can save the boat, but she has DOUBTS.

Back in Brooklyn. Bucky attempts his date. He turns up at the end of the sushi girl's shift and gives her flowers. "Well, if that's not the most adorably old-fashioned thing anyone's ever done."

They chat while she tidies. He tried online dating oh lol. It didn't take. She tells him "You sound like my dad. Wait how old are you?" "Hundred and six." Oh yeah, what a funny joke. Next she wants to know why he's wearing gloves. "I have … um … poor circulation." He grimaces at himself and glances out the window. Smooth as silk, Bucky. Smoooooth.

"Let's play a game." Now, I'm thinking like some weird dating word/get-to-know-each-other game or something. I don't know. But, nope, she means Battleship. lol. I like her.

The drinking game version of battleship. Bucky sucks at it. "You sure can drink." "Yeah, well." Super assassin, unfair advantage.

We're just going to rub in this whole The Winter Soldier killed Yori's son thing, as she says it's nice that he's spending time with the old man. Since he was all messed up after his son was murdered and how it was extra hard because he didn't know what happened. I'm not sure this is healthy, Bucky.

"There's no word for someone whose kids die." Okay, ouch, lady, jeez. Bucky looks like he wants to puke. Or crawl into a deep dark hole. Or something. "Because it's the worst thing that can happen." Bucky nopes right out the front door. So, maybe they should have played pinochle instead.

Bucky goes to Yori. Are you really going to tell this man you murdered his son when you were a brain-washed Hydra assassin? Yori asks how the date was, and Bucky sees a shrine to the man's son in the apartment. Poor Bucky. He makes some excuse about owing Yori for lunch and leaves. Yori's name is in his book of amends. :(

Back in Louisiana. Sam and the kids are packing up meals. His sister maybe wants to sell meals in addition to fish. Sam says they've got to get going to their appointment at the bank. She's says it's in an hour. Sam must be just the worst brother to live with "There's no such thing as on time. You're either early or late. Pick one." Man, no wonder he gets punched.

Switzerland

Lt Torres is walking down a street with an unusually large number of people just sort of milling around in the middle of the street looking at their phones. He's got his kind of hidden, recording. He stops a guy and asks if he knows what they're supposed to be doing. Oh it's the flag munchers, or whatever. There's a weird phony bird whistle and then people gather around a person handing out masks with red handprints on them. His decoy bad guy phone chirps and gives the order to run. A guy jumps out of a nearby building with two huge duffle bags (of money it seems) and walks off while the previously milling people become a seemingly panicked mob, distracting police and whatnot.

Torres tries to arrest the jumper guy, who appears to have some super strength as he kicks a policeman halfway across the street. Torres, you're cute, but not super bright. Torres gets body slammed and then stomped. He survives again, however, defying the odds.

At the bank. The account manager keeps giving Sam the side-eye as he goes through their paperwork. "Do I know you from somewhere." Sam's all modest, "I don't know. Do you?" And then he makes a little wing flappy move with his hands. lol. What a nerd. "Falcon!" Then he takes a selfie with Sam. Sarah is very done with all this. She tries to get them back on track. Account guy wants to know how Avengers make a living. Probably not looking good for your loan, Sam.

"Is there some kind of fund for heroes? Or did Stark pay you when he was around? My condolences, by the way."

Yeah, financially this is looking bad, my dude. "You have no income over the last five years." Well, but, he was blipped. I mean …

Alas, shot down for the loan.

Sam and Sarah argue on the street. Ah, Sam ran off to the Air Force and didn't deal with what was going on at home. Oh my, this is getting ugly. Speaking as someone who got disowned on account of a family business, let me just say, they're not easy. Nuh-uh.

"Half the boat's mine and so is the house. We're not selling our family's legacy." "You gonna do me like what when you know I'm right?"

I get it might be awkward to ask, but I bet you could have asked Pepper for a loan, Sam, and she would have given it to you gladly. Come on, man.

Later. Sam's working on the boat's engine, and it's not cooperating. In the cabin he looks at the family pictures on all the walls. He's having a rough day. About as rough as Torres who texts him to find a secure line and call him along with a selfie of his bruised and battered face. #important (lol, really?)

Sam watches the footage Torres caught and they chat about how Torres was supposed to be doing that stuff online and not getting his face kicked in in Switzerland.

Sarah interrupts and turns on the TV. Some guy is giving a speech about how everybody needs a hero. "We need someone who can inspire us again. Someone who can be a symbol for all of us. So on behalf of the Department of Defense and our Commander-in-Chief, it is with great honor that we announce here today that the United States of America has a new hero." hmm, no comment. Except, you should have taken up the shield, Sam. Now it's Sam's turn to look like he's going to puke. What did I say about power vacuums? Somebody will fill them, whether you want them to or not. 

This new guy looks like a goober. There, I said it.

credits

So … lots of setup. And very clear on the two guys trying to figure out where they fit in this world post blip and big wars. Both of them trying to fix broken families.

Plus a goober in a Cap suit.

So far so good. 

[vagrantblvrd]

Okay, so I can’t stop thinking about the AU where Jaskier somehow ends up working in a Geek Squad-esque department and has to deal with these witchers who bring in mangled/otherwise destroyed phones and the whatnot AU?

Like, the witchers aren’t completely technologically impaired right because the thing about living through who knows how many innovations and whatnot over the years but they really don’t make stuff the way they used to.

(Jaskier maybe sit through a semi-rant on the subject a time or two while processing whatnot for the witchers who have brought him yet another mangled bit of tech orth a fair bit of money and did he know they used to make them of sturdier stuff???)

Anyway.

Geralt is Geralt, all hm’s and hm’s and usually :( although there have been moments of >:( and an especially rare :| which is the closest to the teeny tiny smile Jaskier gets on a good day or when he says something that amuses Geralt enough to visibly show it. (An actual :) is something to be treasured for days afterward and gets Jaskier gentle ribbing from his co-workers because his relationship with the witchers and Geralt in particular is high entertainment for them, but yes.)

Lambert is a delightful asshole who came in all >:(((((((((( after Geralt mentioned there was a new face in the Geek Squad-esque group, one who got him a new phone in spite of the most recently mangled one being out of warranty and suchlike. Didn’t even ask why it smelled of swamp water and may or may not have had bits of swamp...gunk in its insides and anyway.

Jaskier clearly made an impression on Geralt and he’s like but why, though, and comes in intending to be That Customer - and indeed is through the entire ordeal.

Makes Jaskier go over the fine print in the warranty and whatnot when he brings in some horribly mangled bit of shiny tech - a tablet or some such that clearly cannot be saved and is just barely under warranty. A day later and he’d be out of luck, right?

And while it’s covered by the warranty it’s also just old enough the store doesn’t carry it anymore - been discontinued or whatever - which should be fine, right? Jaskier can set Lambert up with the newest model or other equivalent and everything should be fine, but no, no.

Lambert gets this glint in his eye and is like, oh, I’m not going to make things that easy for you, buddy, and goes off on this...whatever about how he liked the version he had - doesn’t want or need the added features on the new one even though they actually are pretty nice, just because he can.

And of course he came in on one of the days Jaskier’s usual supervisor is off and the one who’s had it out for Jaskier since day one is working. Positive Jaskier has done nothing to deserve being moved from overnight stocker to Geek Squad-esque team member and looking for the smallest reason to get him fired. (Or at least kicked back to overnight stocker and then fired for some other reason no one can call them on.)

This supervisor who is hovering, just waiting for Jaskier’s Retail Voice and whatnot to slip so they can pounce and Lambert might not know the details about it all, but it’s pretty damn obvious the supervisor doesn’t like Jaskier.

So he’s like, “Okay, but...” whenever Jaskier brings up a new avenue of convincing the asshole to just say he’ll take the new tablet and gtfo already, pls you asshole, pleasant smile on his face and gritting his teeth the whole time.

Just as the supervisor has had enough of watching Jaskier dealing with this stubborn customer and clearly failing to meet their needs, Lambert is like “Well, I really did like my old tablet, but I suppose this one you’ve been trying to sell me on for nearly half an hour will be adequate, probably,” like Jaskier’s got him at gunpoint or something.

Jaskier is like oh, excellent, sir, what a wonderful choice sir, you are totally my favorite customer sir!!!! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD while also being like >:(((((((((((((((((( to Lamert’s clear amusement and whatnot.

After the deal is done and the bastard’s on his way out, Jaskier is like !!! when he sees Lambert stop in front of the assole!supervisor sure he’s going to complain about Jaskier. To his surprise though, Lambert’s just, all “Oh, he was so helpful! Answered all my questions!” and so on and both Jaskier and the asshole!supervisor are taken aback because that was not what they were expecting?

And then Lambert’s like “I only want to deal with him when I come in here,” to which Jaskier is ah, okay because he gets Lambert’s game now, and the supervisor is just okay, well, I have no control over that unless you come in on days he’s working, but you can bet I’mm make sure it happens if you do, haha.

Which more or less seals Jaskier’s fate on that angle, and absolutely what Lambert intended, and anyway, asshole.

Later on, after they’ve had enough such encounters that Lambert isn’t suspicious of this oddly helpful person at the store where they buy most of their consumer electronics he’s like, >:DDDDDDDDDDDDDD when he comes in nd Jaskier’s like >:(((((((((((((((((((( if you really wanted to help me out here with the asshole!supervisor you’d buy an extended warranty or whatever and Lambert rolls his eyes and scoffs because those are scams and he’s not an idiot, and anyway, he knows Jaskier doesn’ really want to shank him out back behind the store with a rusty knife the way he threatened one time because Lambert is a delight, okay, an utter delight.

Jaskier side-eyes him so hard for that and is like, oh????? So then Lambert won’t mind meeting him out back on his break? Asking for a friend, you know, no other reason. Strangely, Lambert does not.

(Mostly because of that time Geralt fondly told the others about Jaskier shanking a monster out back by the store’s loading dock when Geralt was a little bit bleeding out and in a bad spot and anyway, yeah, no, thanks, Lambert wasn’t born yesterday okay.)

But you know who is an actual delight that Jaskier loves to see come into the store?

Aside from Geralt???

Eskel.

The man is sweet and polite and holds actual conversations (not a slight against Geralt by any means, it’s just. Sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone at work who isn’t a coworker or a horrible customer and so on) and otherwise doesn’t give Jaskier headaches.

(Though there was the one night after closing and rare time when the store would be clsoed the next day for a holiday or whatever so no night crew coming in. Jaskier was trying to get his car to start when Eskel showed up all bloody and half-dead and Jaskier was closest. Also his phone was broken and no way to contact Geralt or anyone else and how was Jaskier at first aid, asking for a friend and all.)

Anyway.

Jaskier’s favorite encounter with Eskel at work is when he calls Jaskier asking if he can help with a tech issue. Mangled laptop and files he wants to get off the harddrive you know, but ~sensitive file that have to do with the witchers and their work.

They all pretend Jaskier knows absolutely nothing about any of it, even though he’s patched all of them up at some point or they’ve saved his life from some monster or other and there really shouldn’t be any pretense about it all?

AND YET.

It’s one of those days where work is slow and the other Geek Squad-esque people are out on house calls and won’t be back for a few hours or called out sick or whatever.

And this, okay, this is something Jaskier convinced one of them to teach him or he taught himself through Google and YouTube and anyway, he can do the file transfer magic stuff for Eskel, no problem.

Tells him as such and to come by before anyone gets back from the calls so he can handle it himself without anyone looking on and all, so he does, right?

Jaskier lets Eskel in the back room with him while he works, and they have a nice little chat and catch up on what’s new in their lives and all that.

Jaskier is like oh, ew, gross because some of the files he salvages for Eskel are photo documentations of past hunts - for science!!1! - but also ooh, what was that hunt like???

(Accidentally clicks on some or some other reason for him seeing what the files are or just file names and anyway, shhhh, let me have this.)

Because curiosity and also songs and Geralt enjoys being difficult on purpose and Jaskier’s never sure how much Lambert tells him is complete bullshit, and anyway. Eskel’s the nice one. Usually.

Also, though, also.

There are so many photos of Geralt and Lambert, Vesemir and Ciri and certain sorceresses and suchlike, and it’s adorable and sweet and wholly expected?

BUT.

To Jaskier’s forever joy and delight there are at least two entire album’s worth of freaking goat pictures.

(Well, okay, goat and horse and whatever other animals these withcers have in their lives and so on.)

It’s adorable as hell and Jaskier makes these little squeaky noises of pure awww at the sight of them, okay, because Lil Bleater and whatever little terrors Eskel has known and clearly adores.

He’s like staring straight ahead and all everything’s fine and normal and whatnot while Jaskier is like omg and she’s so cute and omg Eskel, omg.)

Withcers may not be able to blush or whatever, but you can sure as hell bet he would have been blushing up a damned storm if he could and Jaskier also knows that and is just.

Charmed, okay, he is utterly charmed by this big soft dork and swears he won’t tell anyone even though the people who matter obviously know as well, and anyway, anyway, he gets this soft little smile for it and his heart is like oh, oh no, because Jaskier’s kind of gone on these idiot witchers okay.

(After the discovery of the goat pictures Eskel starts sending new ones to Jaskier who always gets that look people get when presented with adorable pictures of animals and this warm squishy feeling because oh, oh no, indeed and anyway, yes, because idk what pairings/ships i even want this to be anymore but just soft feelings all over the place even with Lambert, the bastard. XD)

[ghostwriterofthemachine]

Purest Expression of Grief {haj dai}

Order 66 happens.

Cal goes quiet, Kanan thinks too much, and Ahsoka can never go back.

(Or; three children and a dying language, after they've seen their people die.) (AO3 link!)

Cal knows the Empire can track people when they use the Force. He hears it whispered about on street corners, broadcasted over the holoscreens in bars.

He doesn’t know how they do it, though. And, more terrifyingly, doesn’t know what else they can track.

There is a screaming, hysterical place inside him, irrational but un-ignorable, which is convinced that the Empire can reach into people’s minds and tear thoughts right out of them. That, if he thinks the wrong thing too loud or too often, he will bring the Empire down onto him.

This is impossible, he tells himself. But then again, he also thought it was impossible to see his friends gun down his Master.

So Cal forces himself to only think in Basic.

It isn’t hard to talk only in Basic, though he misses the curl of his lips over his other tongue more than he thought possible. But to think only in Basic is a constant, conscious choice.

Sometimes he slips up, and he clamps down on his shields and moves away from where he was standing. His heart races in his chest.

The last words his Master said to him echo in his dreams and they are not in Basic. He doesn’t want to think about those words, either. He has other things he needs to worry about.

There are very few kind people, here. And Cal is small and alone.

(He wonders if his Master would have done the same thing he did, had he known there was no one left to rescue Cal. The last thought in his Master’s mind had been of the council sending someone to scoop Cal up, safe and sound, bundle him away someplace warm — Cal can feel that from his lightsaber. But there is no one left to rescue him, and Cal’s Master had thrown him someplace cold and rainy and unsafe. There’s no one left to take care of him, not that Cal needs much taking care of, anymore.)

(Would he have made the same decision, if he knew Cal would be alone?)

His Master’s last words haunt him, in that language-which-is-not-Basic. He doesn’t think about those, either. Doesn’t think about at all.

The alone part makes him vulnerable on this planet, but the small part makes him useful. He’s not old enough to be a full member of any guild, but there’s always plenty of pickup work for the mice, as they’re called, in a scrapyard. Narrow heads and shoulders to fit up into places no one else could fit.

It keeps him fed, and Cal keeps his head down. Days start to creep by.

Today, there's a new worker on their rotation, and his Basic is thickly accented.

And he says Cal’s name differently, rounds out the vowel — “Khal,” he calls, “Little mouse, you are small, come here, get up into tiny spaces, come on, up-up—”

And it freezes Cal where he stands because— that’s almost right. That’s almost how you’d say his name in not-Basic, in that other thing he refuses to think about.

He hears those last words from Master Tepal’s mouth — “ Padawan kat fehl, netana, paikawaji uu dai” —  and for a sudden, dizzying moment, that is all he can hear.

He must freeze in place for a second too long, because someone calls to him again.

“Hey, Cal, buddy,” and Cal hates how he jumps. It’s Prauf, with the kind eyes, who seems to have decided that Cal needs looking after. “Cal, you okay there?”

Cal shakes his head to clear it. He can still hear the words whispering, but ignores them.

“Haj dai, Jaieh,” he says, going for reassuring, already moving towards where the new worker pointed him.

Prauf says, “What?” and he sounds so baffled that Cal turns back to him.

“What do you mean, what?”

“What did you just say to me?”

“I said ‘Yes, Prauf.’”

“No you didn’t. You said haz —” Prauf twists his mouth around the words, and then gives up on saying the rest. “And, yeah, you called me something, what’s Jai—”

“I didn’t say anything like that,” Cal bites. He sounds strangled, even to his own ears. “I said ‘Yes, Prauf,’ that’s what I said.”

Prauf, to his credit, raises his hands in acquiescence. “Okay, okay kid, that’s what you said.”

The new worker, who Cal doubts understood much of the conversation, chimes in with a high voice and a wave of his arms. “Yes, yes, very good, we all talk Khal out, all friends now, so if little mouse pleases, could he climb up into tiny space?”

Cal turns away from Prauf and pretends his heart isn’t trying to escape his chest as he pulls himself up into the gap between a ship’s wall and what used to be part of the thrusters. He’s got pliers clutched in between his teeth, and is biting a little more than necessary.

He’s expecting troopers to grab his legs, yank him out, put a blaster to his head. He’s imagining the words floating up and dissolving into the Force, of his Jaieh tilting a disappointed eyebrow at him.

He bites down on his language, and schools his thoughts into Basic.

.

Kanan is working with a decent crew, right now. He signed on for a few milk run missions as general muscle and a gun, which should give him enough credits for basics and some wiggle room. They seem like a decent lot, and Kanan doesn’t mind working with them

Except.

Well, except the Pilot’s name is Caleb . And it is messing with Kanan’s head .

“Hey, pass this to Caleb up on the bridge?” says Maleek, their mechanic and general tech guy. They’re holding a holo chip of something, probably maps.

Kanan hates how much he falters, how his first instinct is to laugh and say, “I’m right here.”

“Sure thing.” He smiles and takes the chip, then starts making his way towards the front of the ship.

Honestly, he’s got no idea how this hasn’t happened sooner. “Caleb” isn’t an uncommon name. It’s one that’s used on so many planets that it doesn’t really have a planet of origin.

But it makes his body feel as if it’s peeling in two, future and past, twisting like soft dough, to hear it spoken in his presence like that.

“Agisti, ” says the laughing Padawan he has buried deep within him, “tumi mikah Caleb!”

“Kanan!” Pilot Caleb says, grinning as he spins around in his seat. “What can I do for you, buddy?”

“Take this off my hands.” He slumps himself into Kanan, gunslinger, wanderer, shit-talker. He flips the chip to the pilot whose name he didn’t want to think of, and ducks out of the cockpit as fast as possible.

The community on this ship is incredible. Or, maybe, it is average, and Kanan has been alone for long enough that it seems incredible.

And, even more surprising, they all seem to actually like him. Maleek fixes his blaster without being asked and Pilot Caleb keeps trying to get him into games of cards, the other guns and muscle jostle him in a friendly way when they pass him in the halls, and the captain says things about needing to help Kanan upgrade his armor, as if he’s going to stick around.

Kanan bites his tongue and pretends he doesn’t want to stick around. He can’t.

He can’t trust anyone. He can’t rely on anyone, can’t get comfortable anywhere. He needs to keep moving.

Trust is easily shattered. Nothing is certain.

He remembers his Master telling him about how important that was, how important it was to remember that nothing was certain, except the Force. That even their word for ‘yes,’ so concrete and decisive in Basic, gave room for ambiguity— “Force Wills,” the Jedi said.

He can hear the giggling of younglings in the creche  — “Will you clean up the paint, little one?”

“Haj dai!” Force wills.

“So why aren’t you doing that now?” “Force says no!”

Then squealing laughter, as the child is picked up and hugged and tickled. For being clever enough to make that connection, but silly enough to not help.

Nothing is concrete, nothing is certain, except the Force. And now Kanan doesn’t even have that to believe in.

“Will I ever see you again?” he shouts to the woman in her dreams, who commands him to run, who saves him and condemns him and gives him his new name.

“Force wills,” she says, and it’s a lie and isn’t. Because she doesn’t say yes.

So Kanan cut his own braid and renamed himself and soldered ( ha ) on.  

He needs to walk away from these people, he realizes. He can’t stay, no matter how much he wants to. He can’t bring danger on them. He can’t let them be killed because he is found.

In a ten-days time, the Pilot Caleb and Maleek and their caption will say, “Stay, Kanan.”

And he will want to say “ Yes .” Haj dai.  

Force wills.

He will run away again.

(ibli kanan )

.

Ahsoka has gotten here too late.

There aren’t that many Jedi left to rescue, though that’s something Ahsoka tries not to think about too much. Most of the ones who escaped the initial purge were hunted down in the very, very early days of the Empire, before there was enough structure in the Rebellion to even think about helping them. Ahsoka survived it by not being a Jedi. Well. That and Rex.

They’re always too late, with Jedi, if they even know at all. The Empire and the Inquisitors, always a step ahead. Always.

As Fulcrum, Ahsoka’s jobs keep her away from the front lines. She works in intel. She works in running messages. She works with refugees.

She’d been closest, when they heard the distress call. And, though Ahsoka would never admit it, part of her jumped and stood upright at the idea of saving a Jedi. Seeing another Jedi. Speaking to them.

But she’s gotten here too late.

The crumpled form of a Duros is all that is left of the Inquisitors. A Duros with a hole through his chest, bleeding sluggishly, twitching the last bits of life out of himself.

The Force wraps around him and weeps. Ahsoka knows that feeling. That’s what the Force always does, when a Jedi dies.

Ahsoka falls to her knees next to the form. She cannot judge the age of this being, she thinks in a panic — she’s always been awful at judging age in Duros, Barriss used to tease her about it —  but she’d guess a few years older or younger than herself. Ahsoka’s hands hover uselessly. There’s no healing this wound. She knows it.

Had she ever met him? In the Temple, all those years ago? Had they passed in the halls, handed each other food, shared friends?

Helpless to do anything else, Ahsoka gets the Doros’s head onto her lap. Off the ground. Some measure of comfort.

She nearly jumps out of her skin when his eyes slit themselves open. When he stares up at her, eyes hazy, barely coherent.

She nearly passes out when a rush of warmth and relief swells through the Force between them, and the Doros smiles at her.

“Jaieh Tabris ,” he breaths out. The name is spoken as if it is comfort given form. His voice is achingly soft. “Jesara, Jaiah. Henelru...foh keelak.”

Ahsoka goes cold, because she recognizes the name. It conjures an image so old she thought she’d forgotten it. A Togrutan Master, maybe 10 years older than Obi-Wan. A soft-spoken and gentle woman, who liked to help teach children how to read. A woman who now shared Ahsoka’s coloring and build almost exactly, from montreals to face markings.

She knows the tone of voice the Doros just spoke to her in. She used to use it every day. (Wishes, often, that she still could.)

She’s holding Master Tabris’s Padawan. He’s dying in her arms.

The relief in the Force twists a bit, and he repeats, “Jaieh?” with a little more uncertainty. The fear creeping back in. Of letting down your Master, letting down your people. Of dying alone.

What else is Ahsoka supposed to do?

(Because if it were her— if it were her and Anakin, she’d want— even if it were pretend, she’d want—)

“Haj dai, Padawan ,” she says. She keeps her voice soft and even. “ Tamah foh bika. ” The words fall off her tongue as if she never stopped speaking this.

His eyes focus a bit more on her face. He tries to smile. “Jaieh,” he says, actually to her this time. And Ahsoka—

Ahsoka—

Ahsoka remembers a time in her life when all she wanted was to hear someone call her that. Being 15 and imagining a future where she was doing the training, instead of being trained. Her head on Anakin’s knee and a campfire warm on her face, imagining a future in peacetime, Anakin cutting her silka beads off and her rising to her feet a Knight, embracing him while Obi-Wan embraced them both. She remembers the future she used to imagine for herself; solo missions, growing and improving, always returning home. Finally being taller than Anakin. Obi-Wan going easily, gracefully gray.

She remembers imagining bringing her own Padawan to their lineage dinners, Anakin teasing them both, Obi-Wan resting and smiling. Imagining being in a position, one day, when a little Light would be hers to teach, and look up at her and call her “Jaieh.”

But Ahsoka never got to grow into that title. She never even got to be a Knight. She left her home a Padawan, and never got to return enough to become anything more.

And now she never would.

But Ahsoka cups the face of the person on her lap, whose name she would never know, and lets them both pretend.

“ Rakaah foh wungak,” chokes the man on her lap. “Jaieh, sooah foh enoctak.”

“Leoah foh, Padawan. Leoah foh. Tamah foh bika, tamah foh bika.”

His hand, nearly vibrating in effort, moves up to grasp hers. Ahsoka covers it with her other hand. She can feel the pain coming off him in waves, but she can also feel the peace. The knowledge that he is safe, now.

And in some ways, Ahsoka thinks bitterly, she supposes he is. Even if he isn’t in the arms of his Jaieh . Perhaps he soon will be.

The fingers in hers tighten. The Padawan’s eyes close.

“Komlah foh keelak, Jaieh. Komlah foh…”

And he stops moving.

And Ahsoka doesn’t move for a long time.

TRANSLATION NOTES:

Padawan kat fehl, netana, paikawaji uu dai: My Padawan, remember, trust only in the Force. -"Kawaji" is "trust," in the future tense, and "pai" is our consequential prefix, which means that the action will have lasting consequences. This takes the place of the "only" for denouncing how important this piece of information is. -"Dai," the word for the Force, never has an article before it.

Haj dai, Jaieh: Yes, Master. -Haj dai literally translates to "Force Wills"

Agisti, tumi mikah Caleb!: Hello, I am called Caleb! -"Agisti" is a greeting you would give someone who has the same rank in the Order as you, who you are equals with-- Padawan to Padawan, for instance.

ibli kanan: Little runner

Jesara, Jaiah. Henelru...foh keelak: Hello, Master. I...missed you. -"Jersara" is a respectful greeting; Padawan to Master, Master to Council member, ect.

Tamah foh bika: I am here

Rakaah foh wungak. Jaieh, sooah foh enoctak: I feel pain. Master, I feel pain. -There are different words for feeling physically and feeling mentally, as well as different words for mental and physical pain. The first sentence is declaring he is physically feeling (raka, here in present tense) physical pain (wung, here in accusative case), and the second that he is mentally feeling (soo, here in present tense) mental pain (enoct, here in accusative case).

Leoah foh, Padawan. Leoah foh. Tamah foh bika, tamah foh bika: I know. I know, Padawan. I am here, I am here.

Komlah foh keelak, Jaieh. Komlah foh...: I love you, Master. I love... -"Koml" (komlah here, in present tense) refers specifically to familial/platonic love

[lyssismagical]

could you please write something irondad were peter gets caught sneaking out when he was supposed to be at home because he had gotten in trouble earlier in the day. thanks in advanced!

This kind of went on some little adventure away from this lol but hope you still enjoy :)

There’s nothing he can do but hold on as the two halves of the ferry fall away from him, held together by him and two webs that’ll snap any second now. The bad guys got away, civilians are everywhere, and there’s nothing Peter can do.

And then he hears it, the Iron Man suit arriving on scene to clean up the mess he made.

“Iron Man?” he calls out, keeping his voice pitched lower than his regular squeaky teenage voice. “Is there anything I can do?”

The cold Iron Man mask turns to him, eyes glowing blue. “I think you’ve done enough.”

It’s like the nail in his coffin.

See, his dad doesn’t know he’s Spider-Man. He doesn’t know what Peter does instead of going to Academic Decathlon and instead of band and when he’s ‘studying at Ned’s’. Tony doesn’t know and now that Peter’s gone and fucked everything up…

“Mister Stark!” he shouts, swinging to the top of the ferry just as the older hero finishes melding the halves of the ferry back together.

But he doesn’t even get an answer. The suit just stares at him for a second and then turns and flies back towards the city, leaving Peter by himself on the ferry.

Nausea rolls in his stomach as he shoots a web at the nearest helicopter, swinging hard towards the city as well. He doesn’t want to find out the casualties, doesn’t want to see the blame pointed at him, doesn’t want to know the FBI’s wrath.

His head feels split in two, the same way the ferry had been. He wants to see his dad, wants to be comforted and hugged and told that he’s doing a good job even if he messes up like he did today. He wants help, wants his worries about the alien tech to be heard.

But he doesn’t want Tony to know. He doesn’t think he could handle seeing the anger, the disappointment, the betrayal written across Tony’s face. He doesn’t want to know how that conversation would go. He can’t lose Spider-Man.

He finds himself sitting on the edge of a roof on the edge of the water, overlooking the mayhem out on the horizon.

“Is everyone okay?” he asks when he hears the telltale Iron Man suit landing behind him.

“No thanks to you,” Tony says, anger already coloring his voice.

The irritation snaps within him and he stands up, turning on the suit. “No thanks to me? I tried to tell you and you wouldn’t listen to me!”

“I did listen to you, but obviously you didn’t listen to me. Alien tech isn’t for some vigilante in a onesie to deal with. I was looking into it.”

“What was I supposed to do? Just watch them hurt people?”

He doesn’t know why he’s so angry, why his hands are shaking so badly, why he can’t seem to look the suit in the eyes.

But, like he’s sealing Peter’s fate, Tony steps out of the suit onto the rooftop, face set in stone.

“Mask off.”

Peter’s face crumples, he knows he’s made a mistake, made it too obvious. “Mister Stark- I- I don’t-”

“Mask. Off.”

There’s no room for an argument, so Peter tugs the mask off his head, letting his hair fall into his eyes as he ducks his head.

For a long few moments, nobody speaks, silence thickening between them.

And then, “This, whatever you think you’re doing, is done.”

“Dad, please, you don’t understand- I-”

“You’ve been lying to me for what? Four months? Five? Academic Decathlon, Band, weekends with Ned, afternoon studying sessions,” Tony’s saying, but Peter won’t look up, can’t look up from where he kicks at the ground, swallowing thickly. “So, yeah, I do understand, and you’re done.”

His lungs won’t expand properly anymore, but he still makes himself lift his chin, eyes trained on Tony’s tie, so he won’t have to see the disappointment on his face.

“I don’t even get to explain myself?” he says, voice small and young. “I don’t even get to try to talk to you? I- Dad, it’s-”

“I’ve been really lenient with rules for you, Peter.” Tony never calls him Peter. It’s always kid or some silly pet name. “The only rule I’ve ever had for you, one rule, is that you keep yourself safe. I never gave you a curfew, I never looked through your phone, I never made you have a guard or security detail. I’ve been so lenient. One rule, Peter, and you broke it.”

Peter runs a hand through his hair, tugging on the ends to try to think past the tears that threaten to fall. “Please, I-”

“No, this is where you zip it. The adult is talking,” Tony stresses. He lets out a humourless laugh and it cuts Peter deep to the core. “I gave you one fucking rule, Peter, one rule, and you decide to do the complete opposite? And you still expect me to give you the benefit of the doubt? That’s not how this works. You’re going to give me the suit and whatever tech you’ve taken from the lab, and you’re grounded until I say otherwise.”

There’s nothing Peter can say, no arguments he can make, and Tony steps back into the suit anyways.

“Happy’s waiting,” is all Tony bothers to say before he flies away.

Curling up in the backseat of the car, Peter cries. He just wanted to help and now his suit’s going to be taken and irrational fears begin to crawl up his throat and settle in his mind.

*“Homecoming’s in a few days,” Peter says. It’s been a few weeks since Tony found out he was Spider-Man and they’ve been walking on eggshells around each other since then. Tony’s been so busy with The Move upstate that it hasn’t even been hard to avoid him.

Tony looks up startled, he blinks a few times like he’s making sure Peter’s real and then he gently pats the couch cushion beside him.

Peter sits down, not on the cushion Tony offered, but the one over from it, leaving a wide space between them. He can feel Tony’s disappointment radiating off him and tears spring to the teenagers eyes that he refuses to let fall.

“I’m not trying to make your life miserable, buddy,” Tony murmurs quietly. “I’m not trying to be a bad guy here. But, kiddo-”

“Please don’t,” Peter says, eyes trained on the couch where he picks at a loose string. “I don’t want to talk about it. Can I have a break from being grounded to go to homecoming?”

Tony sighs heavily and something in Peter’s chest seizes expecting the worst, hating himself for even bothering to ask.

But, surprisingly, “Yeah, kid, you can go, but please, for the love of god, just have a normal night, okay?”

“What am I supposed to do when you took everything from me?” It’s snarky and Peter knows he’s just pushing Tony away to try to pretend he’s not hurt by all of this.

“Pete-”

“Never mind, I promise I’ll have a normal night. Thanks for letting me go.”

He ducks into his bedroom before Tony can say anything.

*It wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t planning on getting into trouble, he swears, but when his date’s dad turned out to be The Vulture? How in the world was he supposed to just get out of the car and enjoy the dance?

And then the warehouse collapsed.

He pushes the thoughts out of his head, choking down a sob as he stumbles away from the fires, maskless and bleeding and pain flaring in his body.

He wants his dad. He wants him so badly, but his phone is in Toomes’s car and he left his watch with Ned at school and he’s meant to be at stupid homecoming. Tony probably isn’t even worried about him yet unless any of it has hit the news.

Tripping through the sand, Peter lets out a quiet sob, desperation overtaking the fear of how angry Tony will be when he finds out Peter disobeyed every rule once again.

Webshooters empty, suit torn to pieces, mask gone, tech free. Peter’s running out of options.

And then, like a beacon of hope, a grim old gas station just over the edge of the beach and across the street.

Feet dragging and stumbling, blood trailing behind him, Peter makes it to the dusty telephone booth on the side of the gas station. He doesn’t have any money on him, but there are old coins left on the ledge.

The call nearly isn’t picked up and dizziness is washing over Peter to the point where he has to sit down against the brick wall, phone cradled in his burned and bloody fingers.

“Hello?”

“Dad?” Peter cries, dam breaking when he hears Tony’s voice. “I- I need help, please, I- I’m sorry, I-”

“Peter, baby? Where are you? I thought you were at homecoming?” Tony murmurs, voice soothing and gentle.

The teenager presses the phone closer against his ear, trying to provide any sort of comfort. He’s crying in earnest now, shaking and black spots dancing across his vision.

“I- I made a mis’ake,” he sobs, wanting nothing more than for his dad to make the pain disappear. “I- Dad, please, I-”

The sound of the Iron Man suit and wind rushing by the phone settles something within him, the desperate part of him, knowing his dad’s coming for him. Despite everything, his dad’s coming.

“I’m coming, okay?” Tony reassures. “I’m on my way and you’re going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.”

The last part is what gets Peter’s shoulders to relax for the first time since he became Spider-Man.

“Dad?” he repeats carefully. He’s using most of his energy trying to stay conscious, so he doesn’t make it past the one syllable.

“I’m coming, buddy, I’m coming. I love you, okay? I don’t say it enough, but I love you and I’m so proud of everything you do, you know that, right?”

Peter opens his mouth to respond, but the I Love You Too gets caught in his throat as his vision goes dark.

*When he comes to, the only thing he knows for sure is that he’s so fucking sorry.

He scrunches his nose and blinks his eyes open slowly, almost immediately closing them again when the pain washes over him.

“I know you’re awake, buddy,” Tony says, somewhere near Peter’s hospital bed. He squeezes Peter’s hand gently. “You feeling okay?”

Peter hates how quickly he crumbles, tears falling from his eyes and running into his hairline.

“I’m sorry, Dad, I’m- I’m so sorry. I- I-” He cuts himself off, swallowing thickly and squeezing his eyes tighter shut.

Tony’s thumb runs soothingly over his knuckles. “No, bud. I’m the one who should be sorry. If I had just helped you instead of grounding you. If I had just thought for even a second, you wouldn’t have been out there fighting Toomes by yourself… I just- I’m sorry, Peter.”

“S’okay,” Peter murmurs, words slurring as he turns his head into Tony’s palm. “’m I still grounded?”

Tony chokes out a teary laugh, thumb brushing across Peter’s cheekbone. “We’ll compromise, okay? But not until you’re out of a hospital bed… I just- The only thing I wanted was for you to be safe. That’s all I wanted. I needed you to be safe. So seeing you out there, on the ferry, I just… I don’t know. I trust you, I just, you’re my kid.”

“Just wanted to be like you,” Peter murmurs, opening his eyes and for the first time in what feels like a long time, looks at his dad. Instead of the disappointment, the anger, he’d been expecting to see, all he sees is love and adoration and pride.

“You’re so much better, kid.”

[longitudinalwaveme]

Cold As Ice

The Flash Captain Cold stars in: Cold As Ice

Dramatis Personae

Captain Cold, the pragmatic, constantly grumpy leader of the Rogues, alias Leonard Snart

Pied Piper, a Robin Hood-esque thief, alias Hartley Rathaway

Heat Wave, the dimwitted but surprisingly friendly pyromaniac, alias Mick Rory

Iris Allen, the daredevil reporter who is also the wife of Barry Allen

Mirror Master II, an extremely odd, extremely Scottish criminal, alias Evan McCulloch

Script

Act I

(Captain Cold is onstage. Enter Heat Wave)

Heat Wave: Captain Cold! It’s so good to see ya! (Hugs Cold)  

Captain Cold: Two words, Mick: Personal. Space.

Heat Wave: Oh. Sorry, boss. I just got excited. (Releases Cold)  It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. Are you okay, buddy? Where’ve you been?

Captain Cold: Mainly, the prison infirmary. Got double pneumonia, and somethin’ called septic shock along with it, so I was in there for like a month. And then my ulcer started actin’ up again, so I was there for even longer. And THEN I had appendicitis on top of everything else. So, long story short, I was stuck in there until last week, and I only escaped two days ago.

Heat Wave: Oh, so THAT’s why I couldn’t find you!

Captain Cold: Yeah, that would probably be why. (Pause) What happened while I was out? I spent most of my time in the infirmary coughing, vomiting, or unconscious, so I wasn’t able to keep track of nothing.

Heat Wave: Well, the Trickster’s back in town, Captain Boomerang’s broken leg is healed, and your sister and the Top are in Hawaii for the fifth anniversary of their first date.

Captain Cold: WHAT? Heat Wave: Don’t worry, boss. I’m sure they’ll be back soon.

Captain Cold: That’s not what I’m worried about.

Heat Wave: Then what are you worried about? It’s not like they’re chasing tornadoes or anything.

Captain Cold: I’m worried about what that stuck-up snob might do to my baby sister when I’m not there to protect her. He thinks people like us are trash, and it would be just like him to decide that she’s not worthy of his affections and dump her. I don’t want her to get hurt like that.

(Enter Pied Piper)

Heat Wave: Boss, the Top wouldn’t do that. He’s our friend.

Captain Cold: No, he ain’t. He’s an arrogant creep who thinks he’s better than us.

Heat Wave: If you say so, boss. (Notices Piper) Boss, look who’s here! It’s the Pied Piper! I’ve been trying to find him for weeks! (To Piper) Hiya, little buddy!

Pied Piper: (Slightly surprised) Hello, Mick. It’s a pleasure to see you.

Heat Wave: How are you? Pied Piper: Homeless. Again. You see, I was going to get a nice little cottage in the suburbs somewhere, but then I ran into a very pregnant woman whose husband had just lost his job, so I had to give her some money, and then I met a poor little boy who really wanted a football, so I bought it for him, and then I stumbled upon a youth center that was about to close for lack of funds, so I gave them some money, and then I met a really nice old lady who needed an operation that she couldn’t afford, so I gave her some money, and then I heard about a flood in India, and so I had to donate some money to that cause, and then I met a family with a little girl who needed a wheelchair, so I gave her some money, and then I was broke, so I couldn’t buy the cottage.

Heat Wave: I can give you some money, little buddy.

Captain Cold: Don’t bother. He’ll just give that away, too. (To Piper) Kid, how many times do we have to go over this? You ain’t rich no more. If you don’t wanna be homeless, you have to keep some of the money you steal for  yourself.

Pied Piper: I can’t do that! I spent the first twenty years of my life in palatial luxury. If I’m going without now, it’s only fair. My family has utterly ignored the plight of the poor in this city, and if I have to be homeless to make things right, so be it!

Captain Cold: You’re crazy. (Pause) When was the last time you ate, kid? You’re so thin I can see your ribs!

Pied Piper: Um ...three days ago? I think?

Captain Cold: Three days ago? Are you tryin’ to kill yourself? You ain’t used to bein’ cold and hungry. If you keep this up, one of these days the Flash is gonna be arresting your corpse!

Heat Wave: The boss is right, little buddy. It ain’t healthy to starve yourself to help people.

Pied Piper: I wasn’t planning to not eat for three days. It just happened.

Captain Cold: Then plan better, you idiot!

Heat Wave: (pulls out granola bar) Here, little buddy.

Pied Piper: Thank you, Mick. (Takes bar, eats ravenously) Do you have more? Heat Wave: No...but I can take you to lunch with me.

Pied Piper: That would be nice….

Heat Wave: Okay! Then let’s go eat! I’ve found a really great new barbeque chicken place!

Captain Cold: And by really great, you mean “full of chicken so spicy that no normal person can eat it”.

Heat Wave: Oh, yeah. I didn’t think about that. (Pause) Okay, how about we go to Steak ‘n’ Shake? I love their sandwiches.  

Captain Cold: After three months of eating the stuff they give you in the infirmary? That’d be good. They have some great milkshakes.

Pied Piper: Right now, I’m so hungry that I could probably eat dog food. I’m happy with anything that won’t make my mouth catch on fire.

Heat Wave: Okay, then let’s go! I can’t wait to talk with you guys and catch you up on what you’ve missed while you were gone!

Act II

(Iris is onstage)

Iris: I’ll say this for being a superhero’s wife-it gets you the best stories! Unless I miss my guess, the information Animal Man gave me will get me on the front page. Why, this is the biggest government cover-up since Watergate! Just wait until Barry hears about this! He’ll be so proud! Maybe it’ll even cheer him up a bit. (Pause) Poor Barry. He just hasn’t been the same since Abra Kadabra stole his super speed. I hope Wally’s mission to get it back is successful, because he feels so bad about not being able to help people as the Flash. (Pause) Oh, well. Worrying about it won’t help, so I’ll just go back to my investigation. Watch out, bad guys-Iris Allen is on your case!

(Enter Evan McCulloch, the second Mirror Master)

Evan McCulloch: Howzitgoan, Mrs. Allen?

Iris: (Spins around) Who are you? And how did you get in here?

Evan McCulloch: My name is Evan; Evan McCulloch. As for your second question: well, I’ll give you a wee hint: it’s all done with mirrors.

Iris: With mirrors? (Pause) You’re a Mirror Master, aren’t you?

Evan McCulloch: Mirror Master? That’s a well good name, but up until now it wasnae mine.

Iris: But you can use mirrors as weapons or for transportation?

Evan McCulloch: Aye. Wasnae aware doing that came with a title.

Iris: My husband’s a superhero, and he fights a criminal named Sam Scudder, who calls himself the Mirror Master. By all appearances, you’re using his tech, but the only people who have access to any of it-besides Scudder himself, unfortunately-work for the government.

Evan McCulloch: Aye. How do ye think I got ahold of it?

Iris: You work for the government?

Evan McCulloch: Officially, nae. They’ve made it well clear that if I get lifted, they’ll deny that they had anything tae do with me.

Iris: So you’re working for the government.

Evan McCulloch: They’re paying me, aye. Ye see, in Glasgow, I had a reputation for making people's ...problems… disappear, and apparently your government decided that I’d be useful in making their problems disappear.

Iris: And I’m a problem? Evan McCulloch: Aye. Certain members of your government will be in big trouble if ye reveal what they’ve been up tae, so they told me to make sure that ye cannae tell anyone about what ye’ve found.

Iris: My husband and nephew are superheroes. If anything happens to me, you’ll answer for it.

Evan McCulloch: Calmy doony. I’m nae here tae kill ye. I’m nae saint, but I’m nae going to kill a woman, especially nae tae keep a secret that will come out anyway.

Iris: Then why are you here?

Evan McCulloch: Tae warn ye. I’m nae the only dangerous man on their payroll. They need ye silenced, so when I refused to kill ye, they sent another man.

Iris : Forgive me if I’m less than convinced that your intentions are benevolent.  

Evan McCulloch: Nae danger. But I’d still advise ye tae come with me.

Iris: I’m licensed to carry a gun. I think that I can handle myself now that I’m forewarned.

Evan McCulloch: Not against the man they’re sending. I’m nae the only one they gave well dangerous technology, ye ken?

Iris: Is that so? Then I think I’ll borrow this! (Grabs mirror and disappears)

Evan McCulloch: Jings! She’s clever, isnae she? (Shakes head) I’d better follow her. She’s brave, but she does nae ken what’s after her.

(Exit Evan)

Act III

(Pied Piper, Heat Wave, and Captain Cold are onstage)

Heat Wave: Are you feeling better, little buddy?

Pied Piper: Yes, and thank you.

Heat Wave: You’re welcome. (Pause) By the way, do you know when Golden Glider and the Top are coming back from their vacation?

Pied Piper: Wait. You didn’t hear?

Heat Wave: Hear what?

Pied Piper: The Top and Golden Glider never went on vacation. They’ve been in Central City the whole time. James even told me that he, Sam, and Mark did a heist with the Top.

Heat Wave: They’re still in Central City?

Pied Piper: It seems that way, yes.

Captain Cold: Then where’s my sister?

Pied Piper: That’s the thing: no one knows. James said that he never saw her-although he does think that the Top knows where she is.

Captain Cold: If he’s hurt her, I’ll kill him!

Pied Piper: Captain Cold, the Top worships your sister. He would never hurt her.

Captain Cold: Then where is she, and why isn’t she with him?

Heat Wave: You know, boss, just because your sister’s not in our immediate line of sight doesn’t mean that she’s in trouble. She can take care of herself. After all, up until a few years ago, we only saw her a few times a year.

Captain Cold: She wasn’t dating the Top or a member of the Rogues until a few years ago either.

Heat Wave: So, uh, why don’t you just call her if you’re that worried about her, boss?

Captain Cold: Don’t be stupid, Mick. (Long pause) Hey, I’ve got it! I can just call Lisa and make sure she’s okay!

Heat Wave: You’re so smart, boss.

Pied Piper: Wait...didn’t you just say that Mick was being stupid for suggesting that idea?

Captain Cold: We’ll talk about it later. (Pulls out phone, dials number. Pause) Lisa! Hi! It’s so good to hear from you! (Pause) I was in the prison infirmary. I had double pneumonia, septic shock, and appendicitis. Oh, and my ulcer acted up some, too. What have you been doing? (Pause) You’re doing what? Why? (Pause) He’s sick, too? What are the odds? Do you know what his problem is? Mmm-hmm. Uh-huh. Yes, I’m sure you’ll get whatever it is he needs to get better. (Pause) No, I don’t want him dead. I hate his guts, but for some mysterious reason he makes you happy, so I want him to stay alive. (Pause) Have you been feeling all right? Has anyone tried to hurt you? No? Good. (Pause) Are you sure ? (Pause) Okay, okay, I’ll stop asking. Good luck, little sis. I love you. Good-bye. (Puts phone away) My little sister’s a genius.

Heat Wave: Where’s she been?

Captain Cold: Apparently, her snob of a boyfriend is dying, and the only cure is at CCPD headquarters, so she’s posing as a police scientist named Patty Spivot in order to steal it. She’s even befriended Barry Allen! I’m so proud of her.

Heat Wave: Aww, that’s adorable! I always knew that little Lisa was one smart cookie.

(Iris appears in the background, then disappears again)

Pied Piper: So, um, now that we’ve finished eating, are we going to do something, or are we just going to go our separate ways?

Captain Cold: I’m not going to lead a heist today, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m still too far behind on recent events right now.

(Enter Evan McCulloch)

Evan McCulloch: Have any of ye seen a bonny woman with red hair around here?

Captain Cold: Who are you? And where did you come from?

Evan McCulloch: I dinnae have time for that right now! I need tae make sure that a hitman does nae kill a woman named Iris Allen!

Pied Piper: Iris Allen? The wife of the Flash?

Evan McCulloch: Aye, that’s the one.

Captain Cold: AGGH! (Collapses)

Heat Wave: Boss, what’s wrong?

Captain Cold: I ...I think it’s my ulcer. My stomach is-ARGH!-killing me!

Heat Wave: Bros befores wives of heroes, random guy! I’ve gotta get my boss to the hospital, so we can’t help you save Iris. Sorry. I’ll buy you dinner later to make up for it if you want.

Captain Cold: I’m-UGH!-fine, Heat Wave!

Heat Wave: No, you’re not, boss. You just collapsed, and you’re obviously in pain. We are going to the hospital.

Pied Piper: Can you get him to the hospital without me?

Heat Wave: Yeah. Why?

Pied Piper: Because Iris Allen is an amazing woman who definitely deserves my help.

Heat Wave: I guess I can get Captain Cold to the hospital on my own. So yeah, if you wanna go help the Flash’s wife, I guess you can.

Pied Piper: Great. (To Evan) I’ll help you.

Evan McCulloch: Ah’m glad for your help, wee man in green. Now brace yourself. Traveling through Wonderland is well tricky at first.

Pied Piper: What’s Wonderla-AAAH!

(Evan McCulloch and Pied Piper disappear)

Heat Wave: (Pulls out phone and dials) Hello? Operator? My friend needs an ambulance…

Act IV

(Enter Pied Piper and Evan McCulloch)

Pied Piper: Could you give me a little warning the next time you pull me through the Mirror Realm?

Evan McCulloch: The Mirror Realm? Is that what ye call Wonderland?

Pied Piper: No, it’s what the Mirror Master calls “Wonderland”. How did you get ahold of his  technology, anyway? And who are you?

Evan McCulloch: Evan. Evan McCulloch. I was given the tech by members of the US Government who are buried so deep in a scandal they’ll do anything tae keep it covered. They hired me tae kill Iris Allen, but I refused, so I dinnae think they’re still paying me. In fact, if I’m nae careful, they might try tae off me tae cover all their loose ends. Who are ye?

Pied Piper: I’m the Pied Piper, one of the Rogues. The other two men you saw with me are Heat Wave, another member of the group, and Captain Cold, our leader.

Evan McCulloch: Rogues?

Pied Piper: Yes. We’re a group of thieves who work together to fight the Flash.

Evan McCulloch: What sort of thieves are so concerned about each others’ health that they’ll call ambulances for each other?

Pied Piper: I don’t know. What sort of hired gun refuses to kill a target and then goes out of his way to warn her about the planned assassination?

Evan McCulloch: Point taken, laddie. I’d like tae be in a group like that. I have nae been able tae trust anyone since I left Mrs. McCulloch, and it’d be nice tae not have tae watch my back all the time, ye ken?

Pied Piper: You abandoned your wife?

Evan McCulloch: I dinnae have a wife. Mrs. McCulloch ran the orphanage where I grew up. She’s the closest thing I have tae a mother.

Pied Piper: My apologies.

Evan McCulloch: Nae danger. Ye didn’t ken.

Pied Piper: Well, if you really want to join the Rogues, you’ll probably have to ask Captain Cold. He’s the one who makes the final decisions about who becomes a member of the group. (Pause) Oh, and you’ll also have to come up with a supervillain name.

Evan McCulloch: Oh, I’ve already got one. I can be the Mirror Master.

Pied Piper: I don’t think Sam will like that. It’s bad enough that you’re using his gear. I don’t think he’d take very kindly to you taking his name, too.

Evan McCulloch: Then I’ll call myself Mirror Master II.

Pied Piper: That would probably just make him angrier.

Evan McCulloch: Well, if he makes a fuss aboot it, I’ll just punch him.

Pied Piper: (Aside) If nothing else, he’ll fit in well. (To Evan) Why don’t we talk more about potential names later?

Evan McCulloch: That would be fine, aye.

Pied Piper: Good. So where do you think Iris is going?

(Enter Iris)

Iris: Hello, Evan. Hello, Pied Piper. What are you doing here?

Pied Piper: I’m helping Evan rescue you, I think.

Iris: That’s sweet of you, Hartley, but I don’t need rescuing. Thanks to the Mirror Gun, I took out my would-be assassin, and Jay’s taking him to jail right now. Now I just need to finish writing my article, and I can put this whole mess behind me.

Pied Piper: Well, I’m very glad you’re alright, Mrs. Allen. Good luck with your expose. I’m sure it will have the high quality of all your work.

Iris: Thanks, Piper.

Evan McCulloch: (Aside) If she defeated that assassin, we’d better get oot of here before she defeats us, tae. After all, we aren’t exactly innocent ourselves. (Aloud) In that case, my work here is doon. Ta! (Evan grabs the Mirror Gun, then grabs Piper, and both disappear)

Iris: Looks like I’d better tell Barry, Wally, and Jay that the Rogues have a new member. Hmmm ...that could actually be a story all on its own! If I play my cards right, I could have two award winning stories and help defeat two separate groups of bad guys all from one investigation. This is awesome! I love it when I help my loved ones bring justice. (Pause) I should probably get back home, though. Those stories aren’t going to write themselves!

 (Exit Iris)

Act V

(Captain Cold is lying down onstage; Heat Wave is standing by him)

Heat Wave: You feeling better, boss?

Captain Cold: A little. I can’t believe that my stupid ulcer put me in the hospital twice in less than three months!

Heat Wave: Maybe it’s all the stress in your life. I’ve heard that stress makes ulcers worse, and your job is really stressful. Maybe you should take a vacation.

Captain Cold: And let the Top run the Rogues into the ground? Not a chance.

Heat Wave: It wouldn’t have to be for very long ...just a couple of days, maybe.

Captain Cold: I’m not taking a vacation, and that’s final!

Heat Wave: I guess you know best, boss. If you don’t want to take a vacation, you don’t have to.

(Enter Evan McCulloch and Pied Piper)

Pied Piper: Hello, Mick. Hello, Captain Cold.

Heat Wave: Hi, little buddy! How’d the rescue go?

Pied Piper: As it turned out, she rescued herself, so our presence turned out to be completely superfluous. That being said, I think I did find us a potential new member of the Rogues. His name is Evan McCulloch, and he wants to be part of a group that he knows will have his back.

Evan McCulloch: Howzitgoan?

Heat Wave: Hi, Evan! I’m Heat Wave, but you can call me Mick Rory. Where are you from?

Evan McCulloch: Glasgow, Scotland. The city of culture!

Heat Wave: Oh, so that’s why you sound so funny. (To Captain Cold) Can he stay, Captain Cold? Please? He’s funny sounding, and I like him.

Captain Cold: I can see that you have Mirror Master’s gear. The original is one of my best friends, and I don’t think he’d like you using his tech. That being said, my health hasn’t been great lately, so we could probably use another guy with his powers in the case of an emergency. (Pause) All right, Scostman, you’re in…...but you’re on probation until I say otherwise.

Evan McCulloch: That’s good eno for me, Captain Cold.

Captain Cold: In that case, your first job is to help me find the other Rogues. When we face the Flashes next, I want to be as well prepared as possible.

Pied Piper: Well, if everything is all right here, then I will be going. You know where to find me if you need me, and this city has a lot of people who need my help.

[afterspark-podcast]

G1 Episode 42: Transcript

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

O: But that's because he acquired a dog!

[Intro Music]

O: Hello, and welcome to the Afterspark Podcast, an episode by episode recap of the Generation 1 Transformers cartoon. I'm Owls!

S: And I'm Specs.

O: And today we're going to be talking about episode number 42: The Autobot Run. Let's talk about giant robots today, shall we?

S: Yeah!

O: So once upon a time... on a racetrack.

S: Spike and Chip get a brilliant idea: What if the other boss participated in racing? 

O: Bumblebee arrives and says, “One limo-bot at your service,” uh, which is adorable, might I add?

S: Spike asks Bee how he feels about racing.

O: Bee is decidedly not a speedster as he seems down for it as long as it's under the speed limit, which also amusingly, goes against the fact that he totally got pulled over for speeding in an earlier episode but whatever. 

S: Yeah, yeah that's true. Laserbeak overhears this exchange.

O: I'm not exactly sure how any of this is going to help the Decepticons but all right.

S: The Decepticons are just- they're here to gather all the information they can. 

O: It's Laserbeak's job. I- I am just imagining him picking up on the most mundane information and, like, having to pass it off to Soundwave because it's his job.

S: Yeah, oh god, they probably have terabytes of information stored someplace. 

O: [Laughter] Probably.

S: Yeah. Elsewhere, in a weirdly well-preserved old west town, the Constructicons are finishing the dumb 80’s weapon of the week. The, um, Transfixatron which sounds like could be a lot of things, but probably not what you're expecting.

O: Uh, which is, of course, a purple gun mounted on a weird stand thing. 

S: Yep. Laserbeak's arrival causes Megatron to go off model and resemble Homer Simpson for a split second in the mouth department.

O: Which is very unnerving.

S: Yeah and I- I keep envisioning it right now and it is definitely very unnerving.

O: Very, very, very unnerving. Um, Laserbeak hops into Soundwave’s chest compartment and reports on the doings of the Autobots’ human allies, and the Autobots too, I guess. Since Bumblebee was there.

S: Yeah, Megatron is going to make good use of this information about the, uh, proposed Autobot race. 

O: Again, not sure how but okay, buddy! 

S: Yeah, but, uh, first he's gotta test out his new toy! Much to the chagrin of Starscream, who really does not approve that they're not beating up the Autobots right now.

O: You know, I think he's just salty that Megatron had the Constructicons build his new toy instead of him.

S: Yeah, that sounds- that sounds on brand. He calls it an idiotic contraption.

O: Of course the moment Megatron threatens to use it on Starstream, as his first test subject, suddenly Starstream changes his tune on if the device might work or not. “After all, what's a test without a guinea pig-atron.” Yes, Megatron said that word for word.

S: Guinea pig has clearly entered the Decepticons lexicon.

O: Yes, so Megatron picks up the entire gun which, again, I remind you is on a base, uh, and, uh, shoots Starscream.

S: Why does it have a stand at all? Maybe just get a shoulder strap or a harness or something for it? Or a table? Do they not want to draw a table? This is a very stupidly designed contraption.

O: Which, you know, is per the norm for 80's cartoons. At first, it appears that the gun has done nothing to Starscream.

S: Starscream responds just about how you'd expect, mock-mocking Megatron for his high-tech garbage.

O: But Megatron tells Starscream to try and transform, which, of course, he can't because that's the entire function of the Transfixatron.

S: Transfixing you in your-

O: Alt.

S: Altmode, yeah. And so Shockwave suddenly appears standing next to Megatron despite not being in any of the previous shots?

O: I also don't think he shows up again in this episode. He certainly doesn't have any lines.

S: Yeah, he just- poof. He's just taking a mini vacation.

O: Assumably he wanted off Cybertron for a while.

S: [indistinct] Yeah.

O: Uh, Starscream begs Megatron to return him to normal. 

S: They bicker, there's some back and forth. Megatron threatens to leave him this way forever.

O: Starscream says, “But I'm too valuable to you!” I'm too good of a lay, boss you can't do this.

S: Megatron tells him to stop whining and, uh, returns Starscream to normal. He then monologues a bit about how they're going to use the Transfixatron on the Autobots and then commands the Constructicons to, “Get started on the second device.”

O: So we don't just get one silly 80’s weapon of the week, we get two in this episode!

S: Gee, I wonder what it looks like.

O: [Laughter] The answer to that might surprise you! 

S: This inexplicably involves Hook plunging his namesake into the ground to begin excavating- with his hook. The Constructicons, well, the other Constructicons begin digging in a much more sensible manner.

O: Now at the Ark, uh, Chip and Spike are on the cusp of convincing Optimus Prime of their charity racing idea.

S: The other Autobots all seem pretty for it.

O: Ironhide wants some action or he'll rust. I'm not sure if I had Ironhide’s alt that racing would be my first choice of a leisure activity, but more power to you buddy.

S: Obviously he's just going to use his multitude of weaponry to booby-trap the track. I mean, who knows? Maybe he's got some sort of rocket booster? 

O: [Laughter] More of the rocket-powered fist! 

S: Yeah, or at least everybody but Huffer is into the idea. Frankly, I have to wonder where Red Alert is because he'd probably be having a conniption.

O: Okay, he is locked up in his room monitoring things, probably. And it's like, “I don't see it, I don't hear it, it does not exist,” I imagine. Uh but, of course, this means Huffer is voluntold that he gets to stay and watch the base.

S: Yep, ah, Huffer who gets to be responsible today, but Brawn, Ratchet and Wheeljack stay behind to keep him company. 

O: Which is weird, because isn't Wheeljacks’ alt a race car?

S: Yeah, he's a Lancia Stratos.

O: You’d think he'd be more into this. 

S: Maybe he's just not that big into going around- around- around- around in a circle. It's just not so exciting for him.

O: I-I do like the idea of somebody who definitely does not have the personality of a race car being put into the body of a racing car like- you know, he's a scientist in all- all reality he should be like, uh, um, a sedan or something, but- but he got stuck in the body of a race car!

S: Optimus leads the rest of the Autobots out with the call of: “Roll for the show!”

O: At the racetrack, with our celebrity guests, the Autobots.

S: Our roster for today is: Cliffjumper, Bluestreak, Jazz, Prowl, Sideswipe, Ironhide, Hound, Sunstreaker, Optimus, Trailbreaker, Mirage, Windcharger, and Gears.

O: Huffer was too cranky to come but Gears is just fine with this today.

S: He's a sporty little car, he can have a little racing, you know, as a treat.

O: [Laughter] Uh, one man from the audience jumps up and says, “Hey! Where are their cars?!” 

S: Honey, honey, they are the cars.

O: Has this man been living under a rock for a year or so, or however long they've been there and missed the whole giant transforming alien robots bit?

S: Very probably.

O: Jesus!

S: I'm going to go with a ‘yes’ here.

O: Where do you live, man? I-I would like directions because I would like to not be in society right now. Um, so we see Bumblebee chilling off to the side with Chip and Spike as the two- ah, the three of them, rather, watch the race. 

S: He doesn't really seem like he cares for sports.

O: He likes the speed limit just fine, thanks. That's what he said to the- I know, it's funny. 

S: Mostly I'm just wondering if he was involved in that episode where Optimus plays basketball or whatever.

O: I can't remember. I- like, I'm remembering like Sunstreaker and, I think, Sideswipe but I don't- I don't remember if Bee was involved with the basketball or not.

S: I feel like he wasn't, but yeah, I don't remember so, yeah, he's just- Bee does not care about sports, yeah. Ah, the Autobots, predictably, transform and line up at the starting line. 

O: The race begins!

S: Ironhide and Trailbreaker rib each other a little bit as neither of them seems terribly quick.

O: Sunstreaker leaves the rest in the dust, taunting them as he goes by. Oh, my beautiful idiot.

S: Mirage being an actual Formula One race car also pulls ahead and Jazz decides they need a soundtrack. 

O: Which I would think driving around in circles would be boring so, I don't know, that seems like a very good call to me.

S: Yeah, Optimus Prime is inexplicably close to the lead, I mean, maybe everyone is-

O: Too afraid to pass him?

S: Maybe, or they're all just chill and this is their equivalent of jogging around a track.

O: [Laughter] Okay, that's kind of funny. Suddenly! Skywarp appears overhead, transforming into his root mode and pulling the Transfixatron out of his ass. 

S: Subspace, hammer space, wherever Optimus hides his trailer. 

O: Skywarp hits all of the Autobots on the track with the Transfixatron. 

S: Spike sees this and says, “What was that?”

O: Bumblebee responds with something about energy evaporation from all the speed.

S: Bumblebee responds with bullshit. 

O: [Laughter]

S: Let's just be straight about this.

O: Skywarp teleports away, meeting back up with the Decepticons

S: Megatron actually praises him.

O: Again, he really seems to like Skywarp.

S: Back on the racetrack, Ironhide asks Trailbreaker if he felt anything weird.

O: And then Trailbreaker, again, ribs him because Ironhide’s in last place and, really, when you get down to it they are in a race of two and are really only up for who's not in last place right now because they are both very slow.

S: Yeah, the group approaches the finish line with Jazz and Mirage out in front.

O: We're not really told who wins but it's safe to assume it was either Jazz or Mirage or, maybe, both of them.

S: Yeah. On to the next event on the docket for today: The Autobots’ incredible car stunts.

O: Sunstreaker has all the other Autobots line up so he can jump over them off, you know, jump off a ramp over them, rather. 

S: Ah, time to be a daredevil. Some of the Autobots dislike this idea more than others, but they all, you know, comply and line up. 

O: Optimus tells Sunstreaker he won't be able to make it.

S: Spoiler alert: Sunstreaker does not make it.

O: But! Sunstriker is saved by some quick thinking by Windcharger, who catches him with his magnets.

S: And the crowd seems to love it anyway, so: Mission accomplished! 

O: Mirage catches sight of the Decepticons and the Autobots attempt to transform. Of course Megatron lands in front of them and gloats.

S: It's Megatron, I mean, that's what he does, it's what he loves.

O: It's what he lives for.

S: Then Megatron uses- utilizes some eye lasers to chase the humans away.

O: When did he get eye lasers!?

S: He's just had so much stupid shit installed.

O: [Deadpan] Help the Autobots are in danger, cut to commercial. 

S: Is this a facelift for Decepticons?

O: I don't know. 

S: The Decepticons attack and with the Autobots in car mode they aim for the tires.

O: Bee gets Spike and Chip out of there before they're noticed and heads back to the Ark. 

S: Ironhide tells everybody to, “Push past that flat tire,” but they start taking hits from Thundercrackers’ incendiary blasts.

O: Ironhide says, “I'm getting sunburnt on the inside!” Push past it, Ironhide, push past it! 

S: Soundwave then disables the Autobots communicators and Megatron says to, “Take them away.” 

O: Bee’s plan actually worked quite well and the Decepticons never noticed them at all and they were able to get back to the Ark and tell the remaining Autobots basically all this shit went down.

S: Yup. Huffer bitches and moans before Brawn threatens to put his, “Footio into his audio.”

O: That's not even clever.

S: It isn't.

O: I know what I'm watching. [Laughter] Uh, Chip uses Teletraan I and he, Wheeljack, and Ratchet are very quickly able to come up with a hypothesis for what could have caused the Autobots to not be able to transform.

S: Ratchet and Wheeljack get to work. They got some business to take care of.

O: Good thing, too- they left two of the scientists behind. Where's Perceptor? 

S: Yeah, and Beachcomber? I mean-

O: They're just off today, apparently! 

S: Maybe Beachcomber took the- the Dinobots out?

O: Yeah, that's just the right recurring joke at this point is he- he babysits the Dinobots in his downtime.

S: Beachcomber and Perceptor took the Dinobots out on an expedition-

O: So, Ratchet and Wheeljack could have a nice, quiet couple's day at home and then this happened.

S: Yes.

O: Gotcha. Back in the old west, Megatron unveils his second bullshit machine.

S: Guess what it does? Guess what it does? It's gonna eat the Autobots!

O: That's what he says but that thing has fucking tentacles. Remember what I said, is what you didn't expect? It has fucking tentacles! And, you know, it makes me think, remember that episode of the giant supercomputer, TORQ III, and the weird kink machines he was using against the Autobots? I am just saying he did that after being corrupted by Megatron. After!

S: Yeah.

O: Megatron! Has a thing! For kink machines!

S: Yeah, the machine is really dark purple-

O: Of course.

S: It has a large grabby claw and a crusher at the top and also, weirdly enough, smaller tentacles.

O: Don't know what to do with your machine? Add more tentacles!

S: Apparently. Well, I mean, the whole theoretically them coming from the Quintessons, kind of makes that all really-

O: It does make a little bit more sense with that, doesn't it? Hmm.

S: Yeah, time to shudder.

O: [Laughter] Ironhide cuts off Megatron with the sentiment of, ‘Oh, just kill us already,’ rather than have to listen to him talk.

S: Then, of course, Megatron wants to demonstrate to them exactly how they're going to die but so the Cons toss in some stuff to show the Autobots how they're going to get crushed. Did they just go off and grab some junk for this?

O: I assume? Maybe it was spare parts from the machine- or like, they didn't use when building the machine? 

S: Maybe.

O: While all this is going on, Hound is able to transmit a single image to the Ark, despite their communicators being disabled. 

S: Teletraan I is able to triangulate their exact location based on this one image which, I guess, is not out of the realm of possibility.

O: It still seems kind of silly.

S: Yeah.

O: Um, Soundwave being, you know, the only competent one here realizes that something's up pretty quickly and shoots Hound's gun that was also acting as his transmitter?

S: He's the guy who does the... holograms! 

O: Yes.

S: That was what I was... yeah, so yeah. Who knows what the fuck Hound can do. Megatron's new machine spits a tiny little block of crushed metal out so apparently he was concerned with how much space his enemy's corpses would take up.

O: At least he's not littering?

S: I guess? I mean you can always recycle material but I guess he's an evil villain so, uh, yeah.

O: [Laughter] He's going to build a house out of his enemy’s corpses is what I'm getting from this, okay. It's gonna have an entire fortress of Autobots. 

S: I think, more likely to do a chair out of corpses.

O: That's true, there aren't that many Autobots there.

S: Yes, but I think there's also a weird precedent for that in the comics.

O: Yeah, probably. 

S: Megatron tells the Constructicons to make Ironhide the first target and the Autobots surround him like circling up the wagons and the- but the Constructicons just sort of casually pick them up and toss them over to the side and get to Ironhide anyway.

O: Because, again, they're all stuck in car mode.

S: Yea.

O: Uh, back at the Ark, Wheeljack and Ratchets’ labors have produced, the Holy Hand Grenade!

S: [Laughter] This will apparently create energy waves that will allow the others to go back to normal.

O: Unfortunately, there's no time to test if this will work so off they go to try to save their friends.

S: Back with the Cons, Ironhide is in the grasp of the purple, chompy machine and about to be eaten but Optimus sends out Roller. It's Roller time, guys!

O: Duh-duh-na-na!

S: Jazz hands.

O: Jazz doesn't have any hands right now. [Laughter] Sorry.

S: Jazz speakers, then!

O: [Laughter]

S: Uh, Roller begins, uh, weaving between the Decepticons’ legs as they all start shooting at him.

O: The rest of the Autobots arrive just in time.

S: And Ratchet gets to be Ironhide again because he's miscolored. Again.

O: So, Ironhide is about to get eaten and is also driving up to himself.

S: Good times, good times, guys.

O: [Laughter]

S: While the Cons are distracted, Optimus rams the machine causing it to drop Ironhide onto the ground.

O: Megatron's pissed and fires on Optimus and Ironhide. 

S: Ratchet is uh, Ratchet again before turning back into ironhide for three sec- three seconds later.

O: Soundwave, his cassettes, Skywarp, and Thundercracker begin attacking them.

S: But at least Spike brought his personal protective equipment today.

O: Yay. 

S: Wheeljack is running in an attempt to protect the grenade in what can only be described as a Scooby-Doo-esque sequence.

O: Which is very applicable considering how many Scooby-Doo voice actors were in this show but anyway, I have no idea how the Cons know that Wheeljack's the one they should target right now but they are targeting him.

S: Yeah, two Thundercrackers appear to be chasing Wheeljack before one disappears, presumably Skywarp, uh, you know, teleporting and reappears as Starscream before yelling in Skywarp's voice.

O: So everything went wrong in that scene that possibly could. [Laughter] 

S: Well, aside from just completely forgetting to color characters at all.

O: Yes, yes but- but I think because the Seekers are all the same model it's almost worse when they're- they're colored the wrong color.

S: Yeah, the grenade is knocked out of Wheeljack's hand before Spike catches it.

O: Soundwave then makes a beeline for him and Soundwaves like, “Get the human microbe.” 

S: Spike then tosses the Holy Hand Grenade to Chip who begins wheeling away like there's absolutely no tomorrow. Soundwave sends out Ravage who knocks Chip over just as he throws the grenade to the Autobots.

O: Ravage, apparently, just leaves him alone after he does this instead of, I don't know, mauling him. 

S: He's a considerate cat. Thankfully the grenade does indeed work, pissing off Megatron who orders the Constructicons to combine.

O: And they seem quite happy to have something to do that isn't work on Megatron's pet projects.

S: Finally! Conflict!!! Hit it!!

O: Devastator then tosses the Autobots around.

S: And, surprising the hell out of us, the propulsion via hand thrusters makes a surprise second appearance with Wheeljack.

O: Who gets the great idea of defeating Devastator with the Transfixatron and enlists Cliffjumper to help him because he cannot reach the controls without help because the gun is too tall.

S: Yeah, so they hit Devastator with the gadget of the week and Devastator falls to pieces.

O: Megatron realizes they're outnumbered without Devastator and the Decepticons retreat.

S: Ironhide and Trailbreaker knock over the Transfixatron, which then has a tiny explosion for no good reason.

O: [Laughter]

S: Ratchet groans about how many repairs he's going to have to do now and the episode ends.

O: So join us next time for episode 43: The Golden Lagoon. Skinny dipping robots, skinny dipping robots everywhere. Oh, and also the Decepticons want to be... shiny.

S: And environmental destruction. But let's not forget the shiny.

O: [Laughter] The shiny is what's important here. 

S: Okay so we have two fanfic recommendations: one wild card fic from Owls and one from myself. Mine is “Going to the Dogs” by Koi Lungfish. It's in the G1 cartoon continuity, rated K+, it's Gen, there’s no pairings, and the characters are Red Alert, Prowl, Inferno, and Jazz. In summary, “Human tourists cause Prowl and Red Alert some confusion.” 

O: I could see that.

S: And so the reason I picked this one is because the race is basically like human outreach- social outreach, more or less. They're- they're trying to be entertainers, so the fan thing about the humans effectively trying to reach out and build more of a social profile with humans by inviting tourists into the Ark and trying to be transparent is- it's a fun concept and I like it.

O: Fair.

S: It's a one shot so therefore complete, so let's go on to Owls' choice!

O: All right, my fanfic suggestion for today is “Casting for a Tape Bros Film.” It is by LittleMissSweetGrass. The continuity is IDW, it is rated G. It is slash, but very light slash, I would say.  Our pairings are CosWave and our characters are Soundwave, Marissa, Rumble, Frenzy, Buzzsaw, Laserbeak, and Cosmos. And in summary, “Soundwave gets a phone call from Marissa that he really, really doesn't want to deal with right now.” It is a one shot, it's very short but it's very cute. It's kind of, I think, Soundwave trying to sleep and getting calls that involve Thundercracker.

Both: [Laughter]

O: A sudden attack of the Thundercracker.

S: Nice, and that just about wraps it up for us today.  Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word) and various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast such as AO3, iTunes, Spotify, and Youtube, just to name a few.  And feel free to send us questions on Tumblr, Youtube, or AO3!  Till next time, I'm Specs.

O: I’m Owls.

S: Toodles.

[Outro Music]

[flamebearrel]

Ness (smash) Steven (su) and Sonic (also smash) for your ask game!

Ness BrOTPs

Snake - Ness has built up a huge admiration for Snake over time - what he’s been through, how he powered through it all, his weapons and abilities and sense of humor and the like. He essentially feels like Snake is a second father figure, and is honestly pretty shy about it. But Snake is happy to spend time with him and makes sure he voices his approval more frequently than usual, cause Ness’s face lights up every time and he finds it so sweet

F!Wii Fit Trainer - As someone interested in athletics but not speedy enough to play competitively, Ness quickly latched onto WFT’s more relaxed fitness and yoga sessions as a way to get moving instead. Over time she effectively became his Cool Aunt that he’d come to with new discoveries and questions! One particular thing they often do together, as a very-confused-with-tech lady and a kid who still lives in the 90s, is try to figure out new tech and ignore anyone who tells them they’re doing it wrong yes I know cameras aren’t new they’re just messing around in the linked example

Toon Link and Lucas - The first pair of people his age that he really clicked with, since Young Link was a lot more solitary and the Ice Climbers just didn’t become part of the super-tight group they formed. These three can find pretty much anything to do together, and they often like to discuss their families. When it comes to competition, their teamwork excels - they’re somehow always in sync, especially with Ness always leading the team (until Villager joined the friend group in 4 and started competing for that role)

Luigi and Dedede - While they don’t usually go out of their way to hang out, the three of them just feel really connected with each other post-Subspace. Expect lots of knowing smiles, inside jokes and eye contact from across the room, to the extent that people know they’ve got secrets but no one ever gets a real hint as to what they are. They will also most certainly team up if they have the chance, but honestly that’s when they do most of their catching up rather than trying that hard to win anything

Steven BrOTPs

What makes this easier is that he forms some kind of relationship with pretty much every character in the show, so let’s talk about a few we don’t get to see him with much!

Jeff - It took a while before they could meet up, since at first Steven only heard about him from Connie and then her cram school started, but when all three finally did (around Change Your Mind time) it was a pleasant surprise to see how many interests they shared. Jeff immediately started looking up to Steven and took to learning about Gem stuff, even volunteering to help with the construction of Little Homeworld! Eventually they start hanging out themselves playing video games and such, and Steven even gives him a warp whistle shortly before the movie so they can meet up more

Nephrite - Steven wanted to spend as much time as he could with Nephrite once she was healed - it was his chance to finally really listen to his friend after so long and he could just feel the excitement radiating from her to be back. For a while she came with him to Homeworld out of wanting to see how it had changed. Hearing others’ stories and tales and being able to tell her own really struck a chord with her, so she started studying therapy - Nephrite was actually the one who helped Steven get into it! In addition, Steven is happy to introduce her to Earth tech, and on his road trip she somehow always manages to sneak up and stop him for a hangout

Blue Zircon - Upon making changes around Homeworld, one of the first things Steven wanted to do was show some appreciation for the more trustworthy faces around there. Immediately he voiced his approval for Blue Zircon, calling to mind her amazing deduction skills from the trial. BZ also feels the trial let her see Steven as someone on her level rather than far above her - there are plenty of occasions where she calls Steven to ask for leadership tips or discuss plans, rather than any other leading Gem

Peedee - Though he doesn’t realize it, once Steven starts managing Little Homeschool he subconsciously makes comments on his work woes as he goes about Beach City. Peedee’s the first to pick up on it, and honestly, he gets it - soon the conversations at the fry shop/tater truck are getting longer and longer before Steven has to go. He recognizes the deflecting and watering down of his problems Schtu-ball tends to do too, and asks cautious questions so both of them have a better outlet when they talk. The realization that they haven’t hung out enough hits hard leading up to Steven’s road trip, so that’s what they do - Steven helps him relax a little more and Peedee helps with the plans

Sonic BrOTPs

I wanna point out that I know enough about Sonic to get all the important characters’ personalities and general dynamics, I just don’t really know the lore :,D so hopefully these are okay ahaha they took a while to think about

Mega Man - Buddies since the comics, and that holds true even to now. When Rock first arrived at Smash, it was the hedgehog that showed him around and helped him settle in - and the actually kinda overwhelmed Rock clung to his arm for quite a while. They like to host friendly competition all the time or poke fun at each other’s slip-ups. Honestly, though, it’s refreshing for Sonic to have a robotic friend rather than an enemy for once; in turn, Rock appreciates having a stable friendship with a former enemy instead of some vague tension-filled team up

Orange and Blue Inklings - During the first Ultimate pool party, Sonic wasn’t the only one who hanging around away from the pool - he was able to click with Amber and Neil almost immediately. The Blue Blur’s found himself completely enamored by the culture of Inkopolis, and these two are happy to share with him their “fresh” fashion tips and lifestyles. And if they so wish, they can become one of the most chaotic trios in the whole Palace

Mario - As much as he tries to play off the aloofness sometimes, Sonic always inevitably draws to Mario in a crowd. His “old man” just makes him feel a lot safer since he always backs him up, whether it’s a tough battle or just messing around (not only will Mario find it hilarious every time Sonic pulls something, half the time he can and will join in). Mario keeps the hedgehog at the top of his list for whenever he’s up for some sports, and while usually Sonic’s too caught up in stuff to join in, he makes sure to mentally cheer for the plumber every time

Shulk - His kind, nerdy vibes remind Sonic of Tails, so he’s more than willing to just walk up and start chatting with the guy. Initially Shulk didn’t think too fondly of him since their priorities and tactics seemed to clash a lot, but when Sonic started telling stories of his friends (specifically Silver and the aforementioned Tails), it definitely grabbed his interest. The two start talking about their own experiences with the future, and their regrets, and it definitely becomes one of Sonic’s more introspective relationships

[ziracona]

Benedict head canons? How does he mingle with the rest of the gang

Benedict is an incredibly odd mix of “Polite and socially adept by nature” and “the world’s most awkward man due to the fact he’s stuck almost 200 years after he lived.” He’s fairly adaptable, and learned a lot from other survivors as the cycled in and out of the realm, and worked hard to be able to keep up to date, but he’s also been punched on many occasions in the realm for saying or doing something he had no idea was going to get that kind of reaction. This is left him uhhhhhhhh extremely cautious saying things, and it’s not unusual for him to pause mid sentence and check facial expressions with sudden concern, afraid he’s fucked up again, but it’s super funny the kinds of things that lead him to do this. For example: was afraid that he might be suckerpunched for saying “Things really have changed a lot. I would have thought four unwed adults of different sexes sharing an apartment to attend college together would be looked on as a little scandalous, since no one could know the situation.” (About Claudette, Quentin, Nancy, and Philip all sharing an apartment to go to college) and was also deeply afraid after he said it that saying “Wow! The idea of standard middle class transportation has changed so drastically. To think an automobile like this is considered average,” might be some kind of class-offensive statement, and stopped right after both with a horrified look on his face waiting to see what the damage was. Which, in both cases, was none, but a lot of amusement from the person he was talking to. He does have a tendency in past of accidentally putting his foot in his mouth, but honestly, he’s gotten pretty good at adapting to the times and was never that bad. Alex Lin really just liked putting him in a world of hurt for everything he ever did because she thought it was hilarious, and Benedict could never tell which things were partially jokes and which were sincere, coming from her. Got beat up the first time he met her, because he told her to stay behind a rock and let him run a distraction for her since she was a lady and it was his duty to protect her if he could. She broke his nose with one hit and told him she’d break his fingers with her platform boots if he ever called her a “lady” again, and to stick the sanctimonious crap up his ass, she could take care of herself better than he could, and he instantly fell in love. Has Alex to thank for his paranoia, but probably also for how little he actually does put his foot in his mouth anymore.

Benedict is very proper, and still kind of dresses like he’s from the wrong century. He thinks tech is fascinating, but he’s also kind of a grandpa at learning it. Kate and Jane both give him lessons on tech and just society and things that have changed, and it helps a lot. He is super intimidated by the American highway system and taking a tin can hurdling around at 80 miles an hour while other drivers shoot past you, and afraid of driving, but Kate gives him slow lessons until while still afraid to drive on highways, he’s okay with taking residential roads and driving a bit, despite the way American drivers can get in big cities even just on their way to the drugstore. Kate knew him a little in-realm, so she’s one of the ones closest to him, and enjoys him a lot. She thinks it’s kind of sweet how gentlemanly and polite he is, and how he’s so fascinated by like, cigarette lighters in cars and automatic supermarket doors, and her ancient handheld tennis ball sized electronic 20 questions game. Jane likes him too, and they’re research buddies a lot. He can focus for hours and hours over the dustiest old times, and actually, he can read a lot of the ancient handwriting on old historical documents before common spellings developed, and it’s kind of a godsend. She also greatly enjoys how casually (and often) he drifts into ethical discussions while he does even the most mundane shit like washing dishes.

While no one but Kate met Benedict in-realm, and he spends the most time with her, and with Jane, who he lives and works with, all of them feel like they know him or like he’s a living legend or both, since they’ve been reading and hanging on his writing for years in-realm. He’s accepted immediately, and has so many common experiences—even if not of the exact same trials—that he kinda just fits like a glove, and is extremely welcomed and a natural addition to the group. Philip and Sally are especially close to him, and it kind of helps bridge the intial, slightly awkward gap. After icebreakers, he drifts from house to house like everyone else, and is like, the weird great uncle to most of the younger survivors. Min loves absolutely bombarding him with tech stuff to watch his eyes glaze over while he drowns trying to keep up with her discussions of bitrate and solid state drives, becuase she’s a little cruel, but she does also help him figure out his first decent phone, so she can be your devil or your only slightly sadistic angel. Claudette loves discussing realm stuff with him, and helping each other on research. Also the only one with any experience with falconing, so he kind of helped Jake get some of his initial setup and gear for Alex the crow figured out.

Benedict collects things from the 21st century, especially simple electronics, and everyone thinks that’s kind of endearing, and start picking out simple gifts to get him when they know they’re gonna see him soon. Singing birthday cards, an old gameboy SP, boom boxes, a record player, laser pointers, magic 8 ball (this actually freaked him out, but he didn’t tell anyone because he was afraid of being made fun of), a Bop It, and all kinds of little lights and decorations that make sound or light or move. He has an ever expanding self of these gifts he calls his “Little Marvels” stand, and he really enjoys it. Has tried taking them apart to understand them better, but is usually overwhelmed. Jake took pity on him and helped him get the extreme basic gist of a circuit board once though, and since then, he has been fascinated. Jane soemtimes comes to the table for breakfast to find Benedict with one of those Kid Science kits on the table and potatoes hooked into wires powering a mini fan going, “Jane! Would you look at this. Isn’t that fascinating? Who knew the PH could have this kind of ability?” She finds this endearing and also weirdly relaxing to wake up to.

Benedict takes notes all the time. On literally everything. Is extremely poetic and writes poetry occasionally when he is overcome by the beauty of something like his first time seeing a park lit up with Christmas lights in fancy sculpture arrays on a crisp December night. Gets book recommendations from Adam and Jane and loves talking shop with them. Is constantly horrified by the news. He’s not used to global news being so all at once or so much. He has a really really hard time adjusting and not being thrown into wild bouts of depression. Jane talks him into giving himself more healthy doses of time away from news so he doesn’t kill his 1860s adjusted brain, and he finally takes the advice and is very grateful for the improved quality of his life.

Loves dogs so much. Not a fan of small dogs though. Not like he hates them, just thinks they’re kind of depressing and bug-eyed usually and feels bad for them. Wants a hound. Ends up getting a Yorkshire Terrier mutt instead because it’s the whimpering thing that follows him down a New Jersey street in a rainstorm after a long day of research with Jane. Doesn’t mean to get a pet period but it’s so pathetic and its foot has been injured by something, maybe a car, so he picks it up and takes it home to warm up and give food to before dropping off at a shelter or vet. It’s so wildly affectionate and has so much love in its disproportionately big eyes he keeps being like “...It can stay a little longer,” until he was wrong and it just lives there now. Names it Missy and gave her a little hairbow. Calls her his research assistant. Jane loves this dog. Benedict was already well accepted and friends with the other survivors, but bringing a pet to a party makes people like you more in this family.

Mostly, Benedict is kind of an old man of a professor. He enjoys chatting, but is hard to drag into the more physical activities, except hikes, which he quite enjoys. He mingled quite a bit more than he expected though, and is deeply happy about how accepted he’s become, and how much he cares about these people and they seem to truly care about him.

[cerradofolc]

This is the story where word 'cyberpunk' appears first time ever.

  Copyright © 1980 Bruce Bethke. All rights reserved.  

  First published in   AMAZING Science Fiction Stories, Volume 57,   Number 4, November 1983  

  * * *  

The snoozer went off at seven and I was out of my sleepsack, powered up, and on-line in nanos. That's as far as I got. Soon I booted and got -

CRACKERS/BUDDYBOO/8ER

on the tube I shut down fast. Damn! Rayno had been on line before me, like always, and that message meant somebody else had gotten into our Net - and that meant trouble by the busload! I couldn't do anything mor on term, so I zipped into my jumper, combed my hair, and went downstairs.

Mom and Dad were at breakfast when I slid into the kitchen. "Good Morning, Mikey!" said Mom with a smile. "You were up so late last night I thought I wouldn't see you before you caught your bus."

"Had a tough program to crack," I said.

"Well," she said, "now you can sit down and have a decent breakfast." She turned around to pull some Sara Lees out of the microwave and plunk them down on the table.

"If you'd do your schoolwork when you're supposed to you wouldn't have to stay up all night," growled Dad from behind his caffix and faxsheet. I sloshed some juice in a glass and poured it down, stuffed a Sara Lee into my mouth, and stood to go.

"What?" asked Mom. "That's all the breakfast you're going to have?"

"Haven't got time," I said. "I gotta get to school early to see if the program checks." Dad growled something more and Mom spoke to quiet him, but I didn't hear much 'cause I was out the door.

I caught the transys for school, just in case they were watching. Two blocks down the line I got off and transferred going back the other way, and a coupla transfers later I wound up whipping into Buddy's All-Night Burgers. Rayno was in our booth, glaring into his caffix. It was 7:55 and I'd beat Georgie and Lisa there.

"What's on line?" I asked as I dropped into my seat, across from Rayno. He just looked up at me through his eyebrows and I knew better than to ask again.

At eight Lisa came in. Lisa is Rayno's girl, or at least she hopes she is. I can see why: Rayno's seventeen - two years older than the rest of us - he wears flash plastic and his hair in The Wedge (Dad blew a chip when I said I wanted my hair cut like that) and he's so cool he won't even touch her, even when she's begging for it. She plunked down in her seat next to Rayno and he didn't blink.

Georgie still wasn't there at 8:05. Rayno checked his watch again, then finally looked up from his caffix. "The compiler's been cracked," he said. Lisa and I both swore. We'd worked up our own little code to keep our Net private. I mean, our Olders would just blow boards if they ever found out what we were really up to. And now somebody'd broken our code.

"Georgie's old man?" I asked.

"Looks that way." I swore again. Georgie and I started the Net by linking our smartterms with some stuff we stored in his old man's home business system. Now my Dad woudln't know an opsys if he crashed on one, but Georgie's old man - he's a greentooth. A tech-type. He'd found one of ours once before and tried to take it apart to see what it did. We'd just skinned out that time.

"Any idea how far in he got?" Lisa asked. Rayno looked through her, at the front door. Georgie'd just come in.

"We're gonna find out," Rayno said.

Georgie was coming in smiling, but when he saw that look in Rayno's eyes he sat down next to me like the seat was booby-trapped.

"Good Morning Georgie," said Rayno, smiling like a shark.

"I didn't glitch!" Georgie whined. "I didn't tell him a thing!"

"Then how the Hell did he do it?"

"You know how he is, he's weird! He likes puzzles!" Georgie looked to me for backup. "That's how come I was late. He was trying to weasel me, but I didn't tell him a thing! I think he only got it partway open. He didn't ask about the Net!"

Rayno actually sat back, pointed at us all, and smiled. "You kids just don't know how lucky you are. I was in the Net last night and flagged somebody who didn't know the secures was poking Georgie's compiler. I made some changes. By the time your old man figures them out, well..."

I sighed relief. See what I mean about being cool? Rayno had us outlooped all the time!

Rayno slammed his fist down on the table. "But Dammit Georgie, you gotta keep a closer watch on him!"

Then Rayno smiled and bought us all drinks and pie all the way around. Lisa had a cherry Coke, and Georgie and I had caffix just like Rayno. God, that stuff tastes awful! The cups were cleared away, and Rayno unzipped his jumper and reached inside.

"Now kids," he said quietly, "it's time for some serious fun." He whipped out his microterm. "School's off!"

I still drop a bit when I see that microterm - Geez, it's a beauty! It's a Zeilemann Nova 300, but we've spent so much time reworking it, it's practically custom from the motherboard up. Hi-baud, rammed, rammed, ported, with the wafer display folds down to about the size of a vid casette; I'd give an ear to have one like it. We'd used Georgie's old man's chipburner to tuck some special tricks in ROM and there wasn't a system in CityNet it couldn't talk to.

Rayno ordered up a smartcab and we piled out of Buddy's. No more riding the transys for us, we were going in style! We charged the smartcab off to some law company and cruised all over Eastside.

Riding the boulevards got stale after awhile, so we rerouted to the library. We do a lot of our fun at the library, 'cause nobody ever bothers us there. Nobody ever goes there. We sent the smartcab, still on the law company account, off to Westside. Getting past the guards and the librarians was just a matter of flashing some ID and then we zipped off into the stacks.

Now, you've got to ID away your life to get on the libsys terms - which isn't worth half a scare when your ID is all fudged like ours is - and they watch real careful. But they move their terms around a lot, so they've got ports on line all over the building. We found an unused port, and me and Georgie kept watch while Rayno plugged in his microterm and got on line.

"Get me into the Net," he said, handing me the term. We don't have a stored opsys yet for Netting, so Rayno gives me the fast and tricky jobs.

Through the dataphones I got us out of the libsys and into CityNet. Now, Olders will never understand. They still think a computer has got to be a brain in a single box. I can get the same results with opsys stored in a hundred places, once I tie them together. Nearly every computer has got a dataphone port, CityNet is a great linking system, and Rayno's microterm has the smarts to do the job clean and fast so nobody flags on us. I pulled the compiler out of Georgie's old man's computer and got into our Net. Then I handed the term back to Rayno.

"Well, let's do some fun. Any requests?" Georgie wanted something to get even with his old man, and I had a new routine cooking, but Lisa's eyes lit up 'cause Rayno handed the term to her, first.

"I wanna burn Lewis," she said.

"Oh fritz!" Georgie complained. "You did that last week!"

"Well, he gave me another F on a theme."

"I never get F's. If yu'd read books once in a -"

"Georgie," Rayno said softly, "Lisa's on line." That settled that. Lisa's eyes were absolutely glowing.

Lisa got back into CityNet and charged a couple hundred overdue books to Lewis's libsys account. Then she ordered a complete fax sheet of Encyclopedia Britannica printed out at his office. I got next turn.

Georgie and Lisa kept watch while I accessed. Rayno was looking over my shoulder. "Something new this week?"

"Airline reservations. I was with my Dad two weeks ago when he set up a business trip, and I flagged on maybe getting some fun. I scanned the ticket clerk real careful and picked up the access code."

"Okay, show me what you can do."

Accessing was so easy that I just wiped a couple of reservations first, to see if there were any bells and whistles.

None. No checks, no lockwords, no confirm codes. I erased a couple dozen people without crashing down or locking up. "Geez," I said, "There's no deep secures at all!"

"I been telling you. Olders are even dumber than they look. Georgie? Lisa? C'mon over here and see what we're running!" Georgie was real curious and asked a lot of questions, but Lisa just looked bored and snapped her gum and tried to stand closer to Rayno. Then Rayno said, "Time to get off Sesame Street. Purge a flight."

I did. It was simple as a save. I punched a few keys, entered, and an entire plane disappeared from all the reservation files. Boy, they'd be surprised when they showed up at the airport. I started purging down the line, but Rayno interrupted.

"Maybe there's no bells and whistles, but wipe out a whole block of flights and it'll stand out. Watch this." He took the term from me and cooked up a routine in RAM to do a global and wipe out every flight that departed at an :07 for the next year. "Now that's how you do these things without waving a flag."

"That's sharp," Georgie chipped in, to me. "Mike, you're a genius! Where do you get these ideas?" Rayno got a real funny look in his eyes.

"My turn," Rayno said, exiting the airline system.

"What's next in the stack?" Lisa asked him.

"Yeah, I mean, after garbaging the airlines . . ." Georgie didn't realize he was supposed to shut up.

"Georgie! Mike!" Rayno hissed. "Keep watch!" Soft, he added, "It's time for The Big One."

"You sure?" I asked. "Rayno, I don't think we're ready."

"We're ready."

Georgie got whiney. "We're gonna get in big trouble-"

"Wimp," spat Rayno. Georgie shut up.

We'd been working on The Big One for over two months, but I still didn't feel real solid about it. It almost made a clean if/then/else; if The Big One worked/then we'd be rich/else . . . it was the else I didn't have down.

Georgie and me scanned while Rayno got down to business. He got back into CityNet, called the cracker opsys out of OurNet, and poked it into Merchant's Bank & Trust. I'd gotten into them the hard way, but never messed with their accounts; just did it to see if I could do it. My data'd been sitting in their system for about three weeks now and nobody'd noticed. Rayno thought it would be really funny to use one bank computer to crack the secures on other bank computers.

While he was peeking and poking I heard walking nearby and took a closer look. It was just some old waster looking for a quiet place to sleep. Rayno was finished linking by the time I got back. "Okay kids," he said, "this is it." He looked around to make sure we were all watching him, then held up the term and stabbed the RETURN key. That was it. I stared hard at the display, waiting to see what else was gonna be. Rayno figured it'd take about ninety seconds.

The Big One, y'see, was Rayno's idea. He'd heard about some kids in Sherman Oaks who almost got away with a five million dollar electronic fund transfer; they hadn't hit a hangup moving the five mil around until they tried to dump it into a personal savings account with a $40 balance. That's when all the flags went up.

Rayno's cool; Rayno's smart. We weren't going to be greedy, we were just going to EFT fifty K. And it wasn't going to look real strang, 'cause it got strained through some legitimate accounts before we used it to open twenty dummies.

If it worked.

The display blanked, flickered, and showed:

TRANSACTION COMPLETED. HAVE A NICE DAY.

I started to shout, but remembered I was in a library. Georgie looked less terrified. Lisa looked like she was going to attack Rayno. Rayno just cracked his little half smile, and started exiting. "Funtime's over, kids."

"I didn't get a turn," Georgie mumbled.

Rayno was out of all the nets and powering down. He turned, slow, and looked at Georgie through those eyebrows of his. "You are still on The List."

Georgie swallowed it 'cause there was nothing else he could do. Rayno folded up the microterm and tucked it back inside his jumper.

We got a smartcab outside the library and went off to someplace Lisa picked for lunch. Georgie got this idea about garbaging up the smartcab's brain so that the next customer would have a real state fair ride, but Rayno wouldn't let him do it. Rayno didn't talk to him during lunch, either.

After lunch I talked them into heading up to Martin's Micros. That's one of my favorite places to hang out. Martin's the only Older I know who can really work a computer without blowing out his headchips, and he never talks down to me, and he never tells me to keep my hands off anything. In fact, Martin's been real happy to see all of us, ever since Rayno bought that $3000 vidgraphics art animation package for Lisas birthday.

Martin was sitting at his term when we came in. "Oh, hi Mike! Rayno! Lisa! Georgie!" We all nodded. "Nice to see you again. What can I do for you today?"

"Just looking," Rayno said.

"Well, that's free." Martin turned back to his term and punched a few more IN keys. "Damn!" he said to the term.

"What's the problem?" Lisa asked.

"The problem is me," Martin said. "I got this software package I'm supposed to be writing, but it keeps bombing out and I don't know what's wrong."

Rayno asked, "What's it supposed to do?"

"Oh, it's a real estate system. Y'know, the whoe future-values-in-current-dollars bit. Depreciation, inflation, amortization, tax credits -"

"Put that in our tang," said. "What numbers crunch?"

Martin started to explain, and Rayno said to me, "This looks like your kind of work." Martin hauled his three hundred pounds of fat out of the chair, and looked relieved as I dropped down in front of the term. I scanned the parameters, looked over Martin's program, and processed a bit. Martin'd only made a few mistakes. Anybody could have. I dumped Martin's program and started loading the right one in off the top of my head.

"Will you look at that?" Martin said.

I didn't answer 'cause I was thinking in assembly. In ten minutes I had it in, compiled, and running test sets. It worked perfect, of course.

"I just can't believe you kids," Martin said. "You can program easier than I can talk."

"Nothing to it" I said.

"Maybe not for you. I knew a kid grew up speaking Arabic, used to say the same thing." He shook his head, tugged his beard, looked me in the face, and smiled. "Anyhow, thanks loads, Mike. I don't know how to . . ." He snapped his fingers. "Say, I just got something in the other day, I bet you'd be really interested in." He took me over to the display case, pulled it out, and set it on the counter. "The latest word in microterms. The Zeilemann Starfire 600."

I dropped a bit! Then I ballsed up enough to touch it. I flipped up the wafer display, ran my fingers over the touch pads, and I just wanted it so bad! "It's smart," Martin said. "Rammed, rammed, and ported."

Rayno was looking at the specs with that cold look in his eye. "My 300 is still faster," he said.

"It should be," Martin said. "You customized it half to death. But the 600 is nearly as fast, and it's stock, and it lists for $1400. I figure you must have spent nearly 3K upgrading yours."

"Can I try it out?" I asked. Martin plugged me into his system, and I booted and got on line. It worked great! Quiet, accurate; so maybe it wasn't as fast as Rayno's - I couldn't tell the difference. "Rayno, this thing is the max!" I looked at Martin. "Can we work out some kind of...?" Martin looked back to his terminal, where the real estate program was still running tests without a glitch.

"I been thinking about that, Mike. You're a minor, so I can't legally employ you." He tugged on his beard and rolled his tongue around his mouth. "But I'm hitting that real estate client for some pretty heavy bread on consulting fees, and it doesn't seem real fair to me that you... Tell you what. Maybe I can't hire you, but I sure can buy software you write. You be my consultant on, oh . . . seven more projects like this, and we'll call it a deal? Sound okay to you?"

Before I could shout yes, Rayno pushed in between me and Martin. "I'll buy it. List." He pulled out a charge card from his jumper pocket. Martin's jaw dropped. "Well, what're you waiting for? My plastic's good."

"List? But I owe Mike one," Martin protested.

"List. You don't owe us nothing."

Martin swallowed. "Okay Rayno." He took the card and ran a credcheck on it. "It's clean," Martin said, surprised. He punched up the sale and started laughing. "I don't know where you kids get this kind of money!"

"We rob banks," Rayno said. Martin laughed, and Rayno laughed, and we all laughed. Rayno picked up the term and walked out of the store. As soon as we got outside he handed it to me.

"Thanks Rayno, but . . . but I coulda made the deal myself."

"Happy Birthday, Mike."

"Rayno, my birthday is in August."

"Let's get one thing straight. You work for me."

It was near school endtime, so we routed back to Buddy's. On the way, in the smartcab, Georgie took my Starfire, gently opened the case, and scanned the boards. "We could double the baud speed real easy."

"Leave it stock," Rayno said.

We split up at Buddy's, and I took the transys home. I was lucky, 'cause Mom and Dad weren't  home and I could zip right upstairs and hide the Starfire in my closet. I wish I had cool parents like Rayno does. They never ask him any dumb questions.

Mom came home at her usual time, and asked how school was. I didn't have to say much, 'cause just then the stove said dinner was ready and she started setting the table. Dad came in five minutes later and we started eating.

We got the phone call halfway through dinner. I was the one who jumped up and answered it. It was Georgie's old man, and he wanted to talk to my Dad. I gave him the phone and tried to overhear, but he took it in the next room and talked real quiet. I got unhungry. I never liked tofu, anyway.

Dad didn't stay quiet for long. "He what?! Well thank you for telling me! I'm going to get to the bottom of this right now!" He hung up.

"Who was that, David?" Mom asked.

"That was Mr. Hansen. Georgie's father. Mike and Georgie were hanging around with that punk Rayno again!" He snapped around to look at me. I'd almost made it out the kitchen door. "Michael! Were you in school today?"

I tried to talk cool. I think the tofu had my throat all clogged up. "Yeah...yeah, I was."

"Then how come Mr. Hansen saw you coming out of the downtown library?"

I was stuck. "I - I was down there doing some special research."

"For what class? C'mon Michael, what were you studying?"

It was too many inputs. I was locking up.

"David," Mom said, "Aren't you being a bit hasty? I'm  sure there's a good explanation."

"Martha, Mr. Hansen found something in his computer that Georgie and Michael put there. He thinks they've been messing with banks."

"Our Mikey? It must be some kind of bad joke."

"You don't know how serious this is! Michael Arthur Harris! What have you been doing sitting up all night with that terminal? What was that system in Hansen's computer? Answer me! What have you been doing?!" My eyes felt hot. "None of your business! Keep your nose out of things you'll never understand, you obsolete old relic!"

"That does it! I don't know what's wrong with you damn kids, but I know that thing isn't helping!" He stormed up to my room. I tried to get ahead of him all the way up the steps and just got my hands stepped on. Mom came fluttering up behind as he yanked all the plugs on my terminal.

"Now David," Mom said. "Don't you think you're being a bit harsh? He needs that for his homework, don't you, Mikey?"

"You can't  make excuses for him this time, Martha! I mean it! This goes in the basement, and tomorrow I'm calling the cable company and getting his line ripped out! If he has anything to do on computer he can damn well use the terminal in the den, where I can watch him!" He stomped out, carrying my smartterm. I slammed the door and locked it. "Go ahead and sulk! It won't do you any good!"

I threw some pillows around 'til I didn't feel like breaking anything anymore, then I hauled the Starfire out of the closet. I'd watched over Dad's shoulders enough to know his account numbers and access codes, so I got on line and got down to business. I was finished in half an hour.

I tied into Dad's terminal. He was using it, like I figured he would be, scanning school records. Fine. He wouldn't find out anything; we'd figured out how to fix school records months ago. I crashed in and gave him a new message on his vid display.

"Dad," it said, "there's going to be some changes around here."

It took a few seconds to sink in. I got up and made sure the door was locked real solid. I still got half a scare when he came pounding up the stairs, though. I didn't know he could be so loud.

"MICHAEL!!" He slammed into the door. "Open this! Now!"

"No."

"If you don't open this door before I count to ten, I'm going to bust it down! One!"

"Before you do that-"

"Two!"

"Better call your bank!"

"Three!"

"B320-5127-OlR." That was his checking account access code. He silenced a couple seconds.

"Young man, I don't know what you think you're trying to pull-"

"I'm not trying anything. I did it already."

Mom came up the stairs and said, "What's going on, David?" "Shut up, Martha!" He was talking real quiet, now. "What did you do, Michael?"

"Outlooped you. Disappeared you. Buried you."

"You mean, you got into the bank computer and erased my checking account?"

"Savings and mortgage on the condo, too."

"Oh my God . . ."

Mom said, "He's just angry, David. Give him time to cool off. Mikey, you wouldn't really do that, would you?"

"Then I accessed DynaRand," I said.

"Wiped your job. Your pension. I got to your plastic, too."

"He couldn't have, David. Could he?"

"Michael!" He hit the door. "I'm going to wring your scrawny neck!"

"Wait!" I shouted back. "I copied all your files before I purged! There's a way to recover!"

He let up hammering on the door, and struggled to talk calm. "Give me the copies right now and I'll just forget that this happened."

"I can't. I mean, I did backups in other computers. And I secured the files and hid them where only I know how to access."

There was quiet. No, in a nano I realised it wasn't quiet, it was Mom and Dad talking real soft. I eared up to the door but all I caught was Mom saying "why not?" and Dad saying "but what if he is telling the truth?"

"Okay Michael, Dad said at last. "What do you want?"

I locked up. It was an embarasser; what did I want? I hadn't thought that far ahead. Me, caught without a program! I dropped half a laugh, then tried to think. I mean, there was nothing they could get me I couldn't get myself, or with Rayno's help. Rayno! I wanted to get in touch with him, is what I wanted. I'd pulled this whole thing off without Rayno!

I decided then it'd probably be better if my Olders dind't know about the Starfire, so I told Dad first thing I wanted was my smartterm back. It took a long time for him to clump down to the basement and get it. He stopped at his term in the den, first, to scan if I'd really purged him. He was real subdued when he brought my smartterm back up.

I kept processing, but by the time he got back I still hadn't come up with anything more than I wanted them to leave me alone and stop telling me what to do. I got the smartterm into my room without being pulped, locked the door, got on line, and gave Dad his job back. Then I tried to flag Rayno and Georgie, but couldn't, so I left messages for when they booted. I stayed up half the night playing a war, just to make sure Dad didn't try anything.

I booted and scanned first thing the next morning, but Rayno and Georgie still hadn't come on. So I went down and had an utter silent breakfast and sent Mom and Dad off to work. I offed school and spent the whole day finishing the war and working on some tricks and treats programs. We had another utter silent meal when Mom and Dad came home, and after supper I flagged Rayno had been in the Net and left a remark on when to find him.

I finally got him on line around eight, and he said Georgie was getting trashed and probably heading for permanent downtime.

Then I told Rayno all about how I outlooped my old man, but he didn't seem real buzzed about it. He said he had something cooking and couldn't meet me at Buddy's that night to talk about it, either. So we got off line, and I started another war and then went to sleep.

The snoozer said 5:25 when I woke up, and I coudln't logic how come I was awake 'til I started making sense out of my ears. Dad was taking apart the hinges on my door!

"Dad! You cut that out or I'll purge you clean! There won't be backups this time!"

"Try it," he growled.

I jumped out of my sleepsack, powered up, booted and - no boot. I tried again. I could get on line in my smartterm, but I couldn't port out. "I cut your cable down in the basement," he said.

I grabbed the Starfire out of my closet and zipped it inside my jumper, but before I could do the window, the door and Dad both fell in. Mom came in right behind, popped open my dresser, and started stuffing socks and underwear in a suitcase.

"Now you're fritzed!" I told Dad. "I'll never give you back your files!" He grabbed my arm.

"Michael, there's something I think you should see." He dragged me down to his den and pulled some bundles of old paper trash out of his desk. "These are receipts. This is what obsolete old relics like me use because we don't trust computer bookkeeping. I checked with work and the bank; everything that goes on in the computer has to be verified with paper. You can't change anything for more than 24 hours."

"Twenty-four hours?" I laughed. "Then you're still fritzed! I can still wipe you out any day, from any term in CityNet?"

"I know."

Mom came into the den, carrying the suitcase and kleenexing her eyes. "Mikey, you've got to understand that we love you, and this is for your own good." They dragged me down to the airport and stuffed me in a private lear with a bunch of old gestapos.

#

I've had a few weeks now to get used to the Von Schlager Military Academy. They tell me I'm a bright kid and with good behavior, there's really no reason at all why I shouldn't graduate in five years. I am getting tired, though, of all the older cadets telling me how soft I've got it now that they've installed indoor plumbing.

Of course, I'm free to walk out any time I want. It's only three hundred miles to Fort McKenzie, where the road ends.

Sometimes at night, after lights out, I'll pull out my Starfire and run my fingers over the touchpads. That's all I can do, since they turn off power in the barracks at night. I'll lie there in the dark, thinking about Lisa, and Georgie, and Buddy's All-Night Burgers, and all the fun we used to pull off. But mostly I'll think about Rayno, and what great plans he cooks up.

I can't wait to see how he gets me out of this one. 

     Copyright © 1980 Bruce Bethke. All rights reserved.     

Brought to you by            The Cyberpunk Project

  Page last modified on Monday, October 2, 2000.

[throwingideasatthewall]

Clone Wars:         Season 2

      Episode 1 Holocron Heist

We just   had     a heist

[One   nonsense    enough    to knock    me into   nonsensical   incoherent      rambling...]

    Two

Okay...

I’m prepared...

To do.   nonsense...

  Urgh

   Okay..

[Title      Screen]

  [Woah!]

    ....  ..    

Aight

    Okay

A lesson learned,    A lesson earned

Oh..

     That         snapped me out of it,

     A lesson earned                  is           a lesson earned

        [you don’t need a        person to tell you     basic         common sense                                you can figure out yourself]

  ....

   Assumed authority is     bullshit                                       Don’t need to                                    earn any-      [Sorry,              Still           Recov-       er-         ing           From           Last          ep-        Isode]

                  Okay...

                   Any-way

                   Jedi on a                        planet                             . .

                     Some-how                         tr                            ap                               ped                                 -                          Surrounded                               Clones                                  -                                Right-                                     -                           Why?

                           Like - if you needed parts-

                           Okay-

                             I’m                                  in  

                               -terested

                                 Any way...

                                     Wait                                      cruisers?  

                                      Gun   ships?                                                                   R-escue

                                       Oh                                              wait-

                                          That’s                                              Good

                                            Oh                                                  No,

                                              It’s                                                    Plo..

Jokes       About       How       He      Got       His      Men      Blown      Up                         Just                                gonna                                 put                                   this                                 over                                 here

                              Been a                                 while

Also Hey     yeah      what         is         he        doing         here?

  Doesn’t         he       have      Jedi        things        to       do?

      Get           a         new         fleet?

        I mean                th-            (Don’t                Condone               Child               So-                L                diers!)

  But    every     time       it’s     always    Obi-Wan      and    Anakin    because        all         the           rest        of          them        are         too        busy

     So             What-

     Alright          -          Whelp           -          I      don’t       care         —-

   Whelp          —        Ex-plo          —         Is      this       just       going         to       be       an     action        piece?        (Nothing       wrong        with           that;           just        need           a      different      mindset,)

     From          the     applications             of        child       soldiers           -          To          Shoot-

    -Why?

      It’s-       Nice-

-Droids

   Plo-

 General-

     ?

Ev-

Neat-

Good-

 Whelp-

  Grab ‘em to the medic        And Go!

   (Seriously       Windu figured this out yesterday.)

    Grunts

    You’d         think        the Jedi would give the      order?

Seriously,         Good miss,          Five           Min-           Got          Some           One-          Killed

   “ Asoka,”

   First Asoka       mention in the first five minutes

                                [maybe they got her character                                     better.]

                                  -Jungle

                                    You sent-                                         A child

                                    That                                        Logically can’t improvise                                      ...                                              Into                                              a jungle

                                      ....

                                      The  

                                     Fuck    

                                    Skywalker?                                     

Con-tact      Her        -         Dead      -       She’s very likely      dead-       -      Anyway       -        Hope   Anakin     taught       her    those    moves-       -      That’s       a      lot       of     emotion          -           In        the        movements;         Again;

     Monotonous,           Stunted,            Robo              Tot              -ic

         That’s                How              Child-

Nope-

   Tone’s          Off

So,         just           to           go            over;

       1. Tone ❌        2.  Dia-                  Log                   Ue- (?)

        3. Move               -ment    ❌

              I’m hop-

Extract-

     Taught-  

     Okay- 

     Teach         -ing   s

     Aight           Mary          Sue-

      I’m        sorry         but         the        light          is       literally       coming         out!

      Whelp-

      Okay-

        So it’s Ahsoka an    adult yet?

         Like that can be explained away as   acco-untability

          Otherwise,     she should   have a hard time        with        one       Droid!

      (No wait didn’t Obi-Wan just call her                  ‘young one ‘)?

                 Nope!

           Movie, get over there in your               shame corner

  That-        Was painful       over-      reacting

 And         Focus-

   I    Don’t        -      You    couldn’t      have     forced          it     more             if     you    tried         -

        The             Force-           d cha-          nge i          -n         Perspective           Not      Apprec  -iate      D-        . . .    .      Moving         on

  Whelp        ...

    Get            In          -

   That’s           a      direct      order-         -

  “Can’t-”

   Nope!

   That’s            It-

   Tone ❌

   Dialogue; ❌,?

   Move;   ❌    Ment

  Turn in your bad  

  writing card,    

   Movie

   ❌

 (Not a series strike,        Just             A          “Fuck         You,          Strike

          On the            Movie                 And,                This            Chara              -cter

                               (We just had such a good-

                                              Maybe; it gets better?

                                                                               Skipped ahead;                                                                                          It doesn’t

                                                                                       Sigh-

                                                                              *Puts on earmuffs

                                                                                 Meta-phorically

Aight      Back        To       19:06      (Original      time     stamp;           Play

*Think

 Friendly      Fire-

 Nvm

*Thing      Ex-plodes

   In-       stantly

Whelp-     

 You   called       her   before      a   council            ??

   Child          -ren          Can’t          Think           -

Okay

        Movie

       Children                  can’t                         think-

    From ag-

      “This is-”. 

       It should                    be   

         -But                           The              writers                        -                refuse                      to                  write                                  her                                   as                                   child                           -       

The       Pro-

“I-

The          Pro-            Blem         As         the     story       seems   to         be        placing            the               Jedi            on            a            high          pedestal     

        .....                Their             actions               here                as              reasonable       

           .....                         But                          it’s                  not                            ...                If Ahsoka was a child it would be a cruel use of power showing how used only to put the younger generation down before they’re                  old enough to understand it

              And how they’ve given Anakin the illusion of power   

                  -Boomer                               Bait

              If she’s an adult;                           This would be a show of        how             she’s childified by her peers

               As it stands;       

               The writers refuse to chose

Concerning,  due to the fact that  

Child-ify                 Ing            An                Adult       ......    Is    Wrong

  And      adult-ify        ing        a       child       is    wrong         ...      

  Un        equivocally,

Tally    Of       How     Many       Times       Ahsoka-        Is        Adult          -ify          Ied-           ;     

      This is necessary

 [Excuse for odd formatting           The “Movie”,                (Under the                picture)                  Caused                    Tumblr                    To                  heck                   up                  my               spacing)

           Continuing                   on;

“Time    away      from     the      battle-       field,”

  Good,        For          A        Child       Solider        -     (And   would’ve     been       a     good     show      that      any     kind   -ness     from     them       is   performative           ...

                   “Guard duty,”

Tally   Of      How   Many      Times      Ahsoka-       Is      Adult         -ify        Ied-         1

 Cite;      Child     ren    Don’t       have     that    much   emotion,        Nor    Pre-      fer      ence-        -

                 “Longer                       now,”

                    Dick                         —-                     Kinda

                     It’s                          better                            for                           children                             not                              to                               be                                in                              battle                                  —

                              So                                 not                                     a                                  complete                                    dick...

                                But                                   not                                    optimal...

                                 “Sorry”

So he said by people who don’t wanna take accountability for their actions and just stop doing the thing and     stop bringing the toxins into the world                                  

Point;     If you    were sorry    you would       stop     doing it,       stop     bringing         it        up,       and            do      better...     —-       Trying         to       control         the      narrative         isn’t          nice          (When           the          truth            is        objective)

       Only           the           self           may            be          both             .....

Security      -

  “Knowledge,”

    *Bag-age

      “Hm,”

  . .. .

   ...

...

Fisto  

...

 In-side

 St-upid      Forbid       Den    

Know-ledge

   (It’s likely   about     plants        Or      Weapons)

Also;

     Boomer         Bait!    

     (That’s something they offer younger         generations to follow their           stupid outdated tradition)

      It’s always          worse...

     (Also, this isn’t about Ahsoka trying to steal the         Holocon thing is it?

      Because her character is already                                                  -hateable- enough

        And if she has enough initiative             to steal the holocon

          - She’s an adult

           And should              be allowed entrance             anyway

          “Jedi            Council,”

             So,                  lady was a Jedi?

               Aight,

                Keeping an eye                     on that                        ...                  Aight                       -   

                 No

                 Went through one.                     drug trip

                   Already

                   .....

                 [Okay...

                ..Got                   a Drink                  of water                   ——                        Interrupt                     -ion

                  Wait I thought he was just a                     ball of                     fuck your plot

                  You’re telling me he actually works                      for                       Palpatine?

After   threaten       ing      Palpatine?

   This      dude           -        fucking         drug           trip            -

...Ser     vices

    I       honestly       thought          he         was             a          [fuck           your          shit]            guy

Now    he’s      a     de   tec- tive

Noir    ....

Movie     that’s      too      many     genres        .....

  You-     need       to    slow   down      .

          Your main            Chara-                   Isn’t                 Even               Esta-                    Blish                      -ed                      Prop                          er                         Ly

            Nevermind                    the           characterization

                 Note if it had been established he changes things every so often that would be neat

                 As                   it stands

               This                  dude is a                 fecking roller coaster

             Not any                thing                resembling                   good

[Giving    your      aud-   ience     a       drug   trip   isn’t   good   writing]

      It makes        them         dizzy!]

      So...       

    Holocron

    Like Palpatine is literally doing this just to fuck over       Ahsoka?

     Also, this is going to result in Ahsoka    being     unchild     -like       To take them out      too?

   I’ll get the -      counter     ready

[yes I have seen it    literally            every   Mall cop/ security guard movie   ever

The   fun     .    seeing how your    (Good)    chara      cters         -     interact     with      the   scenario          -       That’s      not   happening       here        -          If she was a child this would show how    Anakin‘s orders react with the environment

    If       she’s      an    adult;        We’re working through a checklist;         About        what we know about         her;

      Likes, dislikes, how they might come up in a   situation...

       The suspension...            coming when they do

With      Ahsoka...

  What do we know about her?

   Honestly?

    We know she likes         fighting         (Already in enabler of toxic behavior           -against other living beings)

       We know literally       nothing else about          her

       Except...

      That she’s      perfect...

Re-moving         All      Tension;

  Deal

I’m surprise he just wasn’t like    oh      yeah      sure,”

   [Ditches         with       the money]

    ...         ..

   Oh they’re actually talking   strategy

   Usually it’s just         ‘fuck em’ up            And that’s all             we ever           hear

Er-

Whelp-     Yodi’s    dead

Alas,       Poor      Narc

[assuming he can actually sense     disorder in the ranks]

 Gen.      Leader      Ship.      Tox

 He should know     he shouldn’t be doing that

  Focusing     on him       self

    And        practic        ing     accountability          ....       Constantly     micromanaging           and      checking            in            on             your           peers                   ..            Isn’t           going          to make             them           more           likely           to be       accountable..

        It’s         going            to          piss         them             off              ...

      Your (evident) distrust creating a toxic environment              As you were refused to               trust their   char   -acter

  You can’t give me   respect the guy that was just snooping      (Through the whole   uni-verse)

      That’s           the         point...

         A         dis-turbance          in the force

     Yeah?

     Intruders there will   be

     Okay, bullshit       he can see that

   Like;           Peri-pheral            Okay

    (Still tox that you don’t expect your peers          in a peripheral.          to be able to hold             accountability)

But this is galaxies     away        (Ac-tually.    on    Corousant)

  But.      He         Should        n’t       Know        That-

  ‘The      Narcs    pulling    authority     again,       master,”

  “Shh,       this         is         what         we        train-    I mean groom -        you         for!,”

     “But          You            Said,”

      (Con-tinuing             Earl-ier,)

   [Seriously        I meant to bring it up                                earlier,

             But are they really inhabiting                      Zero the hutt’s                         old hotel]

Like it could just be a Noir hotel

 But the positioning       and location         seem         familiar             . . .

     Tell        me...

    Who          the       frick           is          this?            ?

   “What            you        are      doing      back      there?”

    ...   ..

  Aight...

 Assis      -tance

    God          Lord,           He’s           Try             -ing

        -

    Main     tenance

     If I don’t idea   (who this guy was )or what was going on    then maybe that would make sense

       As it stands,             Nope,

        Crash-               es

        What’s             that?

         ....

       What?

       Seriously.             all he did was put another thing into another thing?

        ???

        ...

      Aww, he actually trusts           Bane..

    Thank you         ...

    Door..

    Techno         Service         ...       Droid

     As in a      “tech      -nical  service droid?          (Rt          (IT)     Tech             Guy?

     Or a technical     assistant         (One made of       tech)?

      (Or one specializing in    techno dance moves?)

     Also   is he supposed to get them      in?

  Is    that thing?

 They-   didn’t     really     establish     much-

 Butler      Droid...

Change?

 Todo...   “You are what I say    you are,”

Roomba- kicker

Also, having a roommate is just straight up       detective fiction...

 Like     buddy-cop detective but still     detective

  With noir,      Which       is supposed to be focused on independence        Dis(trust) in society        Which is       admittedly       (toxic)

   Or         seems          to be

     Those two   themes...

          Directly contra-      dictory

[with   Griev-      ous     they       made       it    work,     But     he   wasn’t      this    -         ]

“Uh,”

You    are    not   “The   Doctor,”       -      [that work      ed as    manif-   estation      Of    Greiv-     Ous’s      Toxic    Be-      Hav       -ior-         And      Human      Want        For        Com-        Pan    Ion-        Ship        -       Or         At        Least-      Vul-          Ner-          Aba-              ili            Ty-           -           This          Guy            -          So far he’s a       n(e)igh        invulnerable       Douche          Bag            -            With           No            -thing          Humane-            -           Not           quite      Ahsoka         levels              -       Intend       -ed           To be          an adult            -          Just-            -            Really needing to go     ham -           On the arrogance            And            inhumanity               (He sold his soul for      money- But makes it look      so good- what                    he                   does-                  Gets a sick       kinda  enjoyment from it,”)

             That’s how you   have,  to pull it off

             As it stands;    there’s      no    emotion     with      this    character

Is   the   robot   supposed to be like his   morality pet?

But he’s a   dick to   him   too

Really   he gets nothing   from me

How do even in the    “I-don’t-feel-anything-I’m-so-edgy-and-cool     look at me!’

  Vibes

   There’s nothing     fun...

   Yeah you can throw all the   ...clichés         you want in there

   [But that doesn’t work       if you don’t use them          properly]

     [I see the team up        with a female bounty       -hunter]

    [Predictable         “I work Alone...]           The only thing          those stories               share

            In minute]

But ‘once the effect of’   ‘wow that’s a lot of things.    Has worn off

 The story and character left   heartless

“Non-of- your       Bus-        iness,”

  Doesn’t have the     cockiness to make it      work

  [this isn’t    power-         Ful-]

    Down       right        ..cringe

      As it tries to shove shove two genres.. .    At least...        That don’t          Quite          .work                ...

        Least not the   way they’re trying to make them     work  

.....

..Today

 It’s noir

 The point is      no one’s          in a    good mood.. ...

Aight,

Wasn’t that-

Also,   shouldn’t      he    know-

 Based on how      open-     She     is-      To un-     veiling        her       mask..

   - -

   Robot

So sh-   ouldn’t she ask the robot to leave the room?

(If it’s such a big deal     to her?”)

   He can just run their       face through a     face scan       no?

 Mid-rim

   I thought he didn’t have a way   in?    [That’s a   pretty pathetic   way in.. .]

    [Palpatine’s      screwing           with            him]

       [Giv           -ing            Him             a          hard          time         and       satis    -iating           -          The    ab-    omin-      ations    desire      for    blood🎵,

    Two      birds,         one       stone,

     Also,       Movie,           That’s           the       wrong      amount         of      planning           for        the      wrong      genre          -        We don’t care how the   bank ro    -bbers      Art      -thieves

      Got           There

       This           isn’t           Heist              -           [Money           Heist,              Not              Terr-              Esc]             Got              It           Wrong              [Pre              dict-                   The                  Plot-]               Last                Time.                -

           The                 Focus              isn’t           Character              building-                  - it’s the                   ‘out of depth                     characters reaction to the                    scenario,’

And the wacky hijinks that    ensue

 Using their   talents...    

   Contrast-      ed against the environment        (Mall        cop        example]     

     Which seems to be the best       fit

   Stealing         the-  Holocron-           -         WHAT WAS THE         PURPOSE-

        Well-                At least they ack          -now-ledged                 Planning          really isn’t part of the subset,

                 Good                    (For them?)

                Aight                    Impossible                     ...

             What are the              emotions?

           [like they              literally.             just through in                   the              “the only place...”

             Why..?

             So quick rehash                    (Sorry                      but I can feel the                        drug                          trip coming through,)

                      (Effects-                             Of                            Dealing-                           With                              (bad) excess character;

                         (Deserts                               Metal...)

                       [Refresh]

                       He has a map of the Jedi temple                            Chip                            (Oh so that’s what that-                              (Isn’t he                            still-)  

                    [Changlin’]

                     Aight

                 Bog

                  [Refresh                        End]

                  [Voice                       acting?

                  [Mouth                         sync]

                      ...                        ..                      Aight

                      ..

                    In                         Tru-

                   Maybe                       take                        the                       teen- off guard duty

                     A thought

                    [but-seriously

                       No high                           Alert?

                        Only these   two..?

                        Info-     -Mation

                      Baggage

Seriously money would be a better   option

                        Or       just    street     cred

                     (Adult) humans,                         Aren’t that Liniar...

                    Any way...

                    East   Tower                          ....

  Well that’s better than some   dusty    old     books        -      Holos

  (Seriously at least that’s   present    baggage.)

  Whelp

   Nobody       notices         this       bullshit!

       On a supposedly          secure a       military          base            ....        ...

      Also in the Mid- day break           fecking           daylight!               (With the         hiest it made sense,                 That was a hostage                 political situation                Meant                  to draw in a huge                                              crowd;

               How?

              Cool                   Alright,

               Hey                   isn’t                   she                supposed                     to                      be                    standing                      still?

                 (Guard)

                  Doing patrols?

                   Like                       no                    emotion,                       Face                     Forward,                    Professiona                  -lism

                Not                 Greeter

             (Didn’t they literally call it       guard duty?)

              Like just say you’re sending her to   library service...

              Assis                  -tance

              Again,                  Wrong                     Field...

              They’d                    be                  talking                     to                    the                  library                   helper                    (Official)                      Con-

                 Bother

Not   how a   child   reacts Tally   Of      How   Many      Times      Ahsoka-       Is      Adult         -ify        Ied-         2/3  

   Cite;      Asoka       shows    intentional       over involvement      instincts        more       befitting          of          an          adult            ....

     Good

     Fully    understand        able      reaction          (Kinda)

    (Don’t          yell         at       children)

      Don’t      over involve       yourself             in          the          future            ....

    (But if you’re an        over-         involv         ed         and           (un-)childlike       abomination              (Getting          shoved             for              this                is               likely                 going                  to               happen)

              Dude was actually nicer than       an adult

             Enabler

             (Rule                    Of                    Excess                   Society;                    While                   excess                  verbalization                         is                      ex-                  pected,                   Getting                   in                     someone’s                   way                    (non-sport                        Ing-)                         (Or con     -ferr       ed-)            U-pon

                       Is                          not,                            Attemp                          ting                            to                          move                           them                             away                               the                           customary                                five                              times                                is                            expected)

                            Aight,

So the librarian was right there as     she     harassed        her     client)

    (Not saying;           But           you should get involved        in tox that doesn’t involve you)

      Just don’t         think that would excuse           Her         from ire

      “I can’t do anything right,”

Tally   Of     How   Many     Times     Ahsoka-      Is     Adult        -ify       Ied-       3/4

 Cite;      Child         -ren          Aren’t aware of      self        Ahsoka would repeat a line      blank       -ly

   “Likely      ‘sorry’

   Then back   away

  [Or      the      or     dered    rea       ction-)

    Aight

   Whelp

   Yes

   Just at the librarian be the      pro tag

(She’s      Tox        But..    .        Less         Tox..    ...

   But           Still..

  [Make         [Better]   Pro-ta  g        Than      Ahsoka           ]     

   In..   ...

  That’s a        library   computer..

   You      need        a      pass-        word.       -    The     robot-

   How?

  -

  What?

  Weak     Point?

  You know for     Boomer bait         They      mis-construe        How the library        works a lot

     [I know           -Hav-             Ing            Dealt-]

       Talk-ing            in the            library,

         Is pretty           off

         Like there’s        a reason people are encouraged            to go into the hallway             to take phone calls

          Loud

         These are the guys that value    meditation

          Dude.     Would be shushed       By   Several     irate      Jedi          ...  

    Told to     take it      outside          ...      ...

   I-

[I feel bad   For the Roomba]

[like dude, gaslights him      and then takes       his memory]

Like, Adults      Out     of     it.   ...

  But      ...Droids

   [we don’t know much about the       sentient ones     Or how much   senti ence]

    But          this         whole       scene...

    Makes me feel     dirty

    Like;       it’s played     for humor

    When;       it should be played            to how much         a bastard           this guy               is

      Screw-   ing         with       anything-  

       Like            That              ...  

      Toxic            ...    

      Sick..

  How?

     Aight..

    What.         .

    Re-          Cyc

    Why?         ... ..

Kenobi

Jump-ing coincidence

     [i’m con   -clusion]

       Damn,        the narc

         [No one   tell him   anything]

   [Might       fake         a       heart       attack]

    Comm.

     [How half assed is         Yoda’s peripheral?]

     Venti -lation

  -That’s        Smart-

   Almost       -Too             -Smart-

        👍  

  -Tower

    High         Alert

   Place            the       Temple        -

    Wasn’t, already?

    Left it undone

   Way to go     smart     guy           -      Cool        -        But      kinda    pointless..

 Aight-       Never mind

  I-  Might’ve       Been      Wrong-

 Al right

[Seriously,   no one hears this?]

 [In most heist movies      they at least had the    intelli-     gence-

    [No hate       -villains can be stupid]

  Do you some small well           re-lativel unknown library

   [or at least not the one     at the place they were robbing]

   Because everyone would      recognize that the actions occurring match up to what he’s describing         And the description        Of their       building.]

   Aight

   Neat-

   Past

  Whelp-

  Aight-

  Shred-          (Un-acc         Oun         T-able)

     K-Pop

     Well        that’s            a       name...

    Whelp..

Cool.. ..

Bane    ...

Whole..     temple

   And I heard you very          obviously        plotting...  

   So...  you’re getting kicked

Also he could be possibly looking up     intruders plans.. ...

Like pretty one dimensional     opinion    of on ‘High Alert’, lady

  [Especially       for a         librarian.]

Thank    you

 Whelp...

  There went my expectations

   Also,     Every Jedi leaving the library didn’t notice that that     shit?

   Like,  they didn’t have guard’s ready to apprehend him 

   ...On the           Other              Side?

         Okay...

         You just           moved her...

         Do you know this could’ve been an episode             with a lot of emotional depth              Showing how terrifying adults that abuse children can be             adults that            swear to have their interest in heart               And how overinvolvement               Is harmful              regardless of who it’s coming from                (Neglect- of child-                   And - accoun                       tability)                   Working off the                “blank line”,                 ‘I can’t do             anything right,’                    And the Jedi                -Council’s treatment of                   her                “Foreshadow                   -Ing,”                    (I use              that word              loosely)   

            Their            down-                fall

             Instead                     we                got                  this-

           And              he just abandons            the computer-

     Aight,             Just contin          -ued on - with          -out his         instruction

       Despite          see-ing           how bad           that          went.       Al-right

     Okay-

    Aight

    Really?

   Without    instructions?

   .

   In

    Calls       friend

     You were               fine       without him       the last few        seconds              .....

      “Give-”

   Not gonna      question that?

      “Voice-”

       She’s            a changling..

            “Now,”

          Hidden

          You’re              in a vent?

           Oh, Skywalker has           immediate            intuition               ...

           And a breech           didn’t somehow sound off alarms

          Yeah. .             Good..thing you didn’t close up the thing              ..

        Whelp..

        How?

       Okay. .

      Shame..           they didn’t get a hold of a force sensitive         kid             (I- don’t want it to       happen)

       Just-

      .. .

   .. Here

     Hurry          I can         Hear..       .        Bull-        Shit         .

   You have rocket boots        they have the force

    You shouldn’t         hear shit-

   Sur-prisingly,         No Ahsoka

     Good

    The lower       the counter stays..   

       The        better          for       humanity

 [and my      brain]

   [Vent]

   Seriously,       you didn’t tell your       partner?        About the Jedi on       High Alert?

   Ser-          Force-

   How deep         is that        thing?

   [Aight,          Pat-

    You’re telling me they still haven’t figured out the        Holocron?

     We only           saw-

     Shouldn’t one of you go one way and the        other go the other?

    To cover     more ground?

    They’re-        Really       putting       a lot      of faith-

In the   Comms

  Also shouldn’t there be more   Jedi crawling over the place?

   Seriously,         it’s just these two?

     [We know Plo       isn’t doing anything important.]

    [We saw       him near the opening?]

    And        Kid Fisto..

     Heck...          Is   everybody else doing?

    A-ight

   “Closer,”

    Shouldn’t it be      ..further

     Archive..     [Library]         Comms?

     Got it-

     Whelp..

      Okay..

      Not, putting up that       door,

      What are you         smiling about?

      There’s plenty of lasers

     And      you don’t even know        where the thing       you’re looking for               is

           (Inside the compartment)

      ....

   Aight

   Might- not have been a   smile-

    Look for       the open         vent   

    (Dude clum-           Un-          Acc             ountable)

       With             Vents

        Also look at all these        assholes standing around          doing nothing

  Also, no one’s going to check up on the child 

  Like, Ahsoka surely got that message      right?

   Temple-

   Deep in the         temple-

   Use-less

      ...

    ‘Cause you’re idiots       who don’t check for open vents           Or cover      more ground?

   Or...  

    [Get, anyone to help you, in this big ass vent,”

   It’s not very hard to see       why.. .

   Ass         -itance

  Ahsoka’s,         not gonna get blamed for this      is she?

   Won-

   Yeah, the narcs      pretty     useless

    Also, why can’t you have the dude just shut off those lasers like he did the rest?

  Done

    Oh, they address it   

     Good,

     Yep,

     How?

     But...

   Okay...   

...

    Okay   

   ....  

    What’re you         still       doing          ...

   Okay,

  What’re        you      doing?

   [Is the Holocron seriously right       there?]

     That’s. lucky

      Weirder               and             Wei-rder

         Hey isn’t your personality        over-written?

           By the               chip?

            Aight

          S-eriously?

         Still              Here?

         On- alert-?

Coin-     cidence?        !

  Augh

    Is that’s seriously the alert?

     Several          minutes-

       No wonder         those guys           were so late...

          ...

       Sense           De-          Cep          Tion

     Po-          S-ing            As            A           Jedi.

       Okay           now         Yoda’s            just         reading             the          death               report

     Jo-casta

     What?

       But           that’s         actually             a           good            idea                -              If shits about to go down you might as well find the person who might hold them accountable instead of letting you get the shit beat out

       Run-

       Serious-ly           shouldn’t she just shout out her name?

       [Like I know                       - High Alert-                     But Ahsoka isn’t going to be much use against a                    Adult...                Either way                                        Might as well   find her [and     scare off the intruder-]

  Also how come     “innocence”        doesn’t get           the same notification

       Did they forget his              wristwatch?

       [Like-            seems important-]

       Who are you?

           Dang                 It?

            You               were             supposed                  to                report                 back!

               Also no one           heard any of this before

           Also; are you going to tell me that AHSOKA, the child   soldier,      Is going to beat this guy       When      the fully trained elderly Jedi got her ass kicked?

   Nah.. .

   “You,”

    Dead

Tally   Of      How   Many      Times      Ahsoka-       Is      Adult         -ify        Ied-           4/5

   3x

-Un-orthodox show of initiative              1x

-Counter          1x

- Surviving this            1x

(4x) 

  Getting her on the           run!

        1x

Tot; 7/8

-Surviv-ing;

   - 1x         - 1x

    -1x

    -1x         -1x

    -1x

    -1x

    -1x

    -1x

   -2x         (I’m tired of counting them        one by one-)

     -2x

     - 2x

     - 2x

     - 2x

     - 2x

    - 

    Er

    Okay

     Whelp

    Aight

    -Right

    Shape

    -Skill

     -Ew

     Whelp

      Okay-

      Where did         your get your skills from?

     Abomination?

     Aw-  

     Todo-

   -Yet

    What-ever

    Butler

    Tech

   Neither         of       which       have     anything        to do         with       ironing        doors        open           ....   

      ....       There       he goes

     Sy-mpathesize-  more with him            than this douche bag even if his          turn does make a little sense

     Aight.

     Whelp

      Finally found that          vent.. .

       Right

       No, he wasn’t

      “Comms,”

        Not            Holo-          Cron

      .....

     Completely un-realistically        

Tally   Of     How   Many     Times     Ahsoka-      Is     Adult        -ify       Ied-        28/29        And         1/2

    (1/2 because referring to the action what respectively doesn’t count as a whole- sin-          It does deserve note that you decided to repeat your bad writing-)

         Jedi

   She       Says-

  (Un       Be        Li       Ev        Able)

 Holo      -cron

 Jedi       To      Open      It     ..  

Okay,   

..   

Up-     To-

 Again, with the   communication     center-!

  Dude, just wanted a   Holo-cron

   (Seriously        that was very tortured      logic,       Think the writers;     just wrote this scene        Then realize but wait       “why are they in the Holocron/             Comm           Cent,?”

     And that’s how        Anakin/Obi-Wan           Obsession with the com      center began...

    [sorry but there was no reason for them to be in the        Com center!

      That I’ve heard!]

   In

   Aight,      What?     What       -ever

   ...  ..

  Wrong-

    Yes

    Com-          Center-

    Ser-iously     even he doesn’t know what’s up

   You   heard      me

  And        my     stupid      plan

    To send you to the     Coms center to justify Obi-wan’s     obsession-

    Craw-          ling

     And we have no reason      to-o

   Why?

    Now!

   Yelling- doesn’t mistake the clear lack of   reason

   What-     ever-

    Right

    That’s one way      to do it

    Really

  Also, how does   -that not-

That was less than   one minute

Also,   but no one else will hear that but   these two      . .

 And they’ll   still progress to the   comm center        ...

“It came from the com center,!”

   How!?

You, guys,

  Comms,       Archives,

   Aight,       Nice

  Com-munication        center-

    Ha-           ha-          ha-    (I’m sorry   but that has come back around      to kinda funny,”

 [something Happens across the     galaxy]

Obi-won; It was the com’s center

—-

Aight,    right, 

...

O-kay

...

How??

 Where?

 Okay      ...

Cloak       Ing?

 What?

[you can’t defy the   rules of logic that much       (Physics)       You need to explain where he went   otherwise it’s a loony tune      Of    sus-    pen    sion-

Okay?

What??

I thought-       the thing-  

....

O-kay

right

Take it,

Which       ,One

 That-

 Right

What-      Ever-

  Aight-

He knews

 What-      Ever

  Don’t call   your eggs

   Move

  Restraint

  Whelp

 Use-less

    Just     There

     Whelp

     Nope-

      Okay-

       He           Try

      [Hey         guys,]

       Off               That’s           some         assumed          authority              over         familiarity..

        Aight..

      Okay,

      They’re really            letting             him             get            away             with              the             story

         Tries-

       What?!

       -When-

      Bomb-  

        Both-

[Also   Mace   Windu        is     still      the       only       semi-efficient      Jedi...

   Asshole !

    (Can’t          make the text bigger enough to display my           outrage!)

   [they      played that off         as humor!]

     That was a scream of death!

     Of         Murder!

   [if that was a sentient-       And my God     it seemed damn close!     Dude was just murdered

   The surprise-        “ I didn’t        see it coming, h        onestly not his fault kind!”

      One that would call for      immediate robotic vengeance!

    * im-mediate    ac-countability

      If sentient,

   What the Hell?!

     That-

     Horror        -        fy-            Ing-

      Oof

“Was        it     sentient?      Crud, I      might       lose        my       least       toxic    credentials

  (           )

   Whelp

    How?

     No        Way-

   A-ight

   Shit

  -shit

- she did     nothing  

   I-

  Call      Sec-

  Whose       that?

    Whelp

     Okay..

     That          Who

    Dys-   functional          family          road         trip             -           War

       No          shit

 Oh wait at           the comment table was by all the other Jedi

       So...

       the whole time Obi-wan was just complaining        he didn’t want to do the job

     Skywalker          agreeing with him...

      And...  wanting to ditch their post

 In chara,

   Just, a little bit funny      when you think about it

  Right,

 You bought            them      all the way         here?

      ...

Also look isn’t the unchild-like abomination adorable when she’s talking about punishing people more severely

Holo-cron

The heck     is a       holocron...

Wait-

 What-

   Why-

   How-

   ??

 Why is this     being allowed to      happen?   -

    ...

  Snitch

[like seriously how is it helping her   case, whatsoever?

Plea     Bar-gin

Aight,

Okay

That was just a completely random target   on his list...

- -

The one accountable adult

Keeper       Kydra      Crystal-

- Holocrons

   Data

     -

   You get out of here         youngling

     Force         Sensitive       Child ?

     Are we really going to get into the        powers        eugenics?             (Or         power        genetic       superiority)

       Also would it be a kin to basically every child or just any child destined for leader ship

   (Like gen       leader ship?)

    Cause..

Also, yeah   good idea keeping that around

And you named...

...

Young’lings

 Future

Oy!     You put that back where,   it came from so help me

Future  

vision

is cheating

In reality,   if you did have that power,    you should keep     your mouth        shut

And it completely negates   the point of a choice based universe

   (Takes all the       risk out of it)

    Making the story     completely useless

    (For the sake of tension       I’m going to ignore        that..)

    Going on the       assumption...

     That’s the Jedi           are just a bunch of          narcs

       Who           like        claiming they know the future

       When in reality only the future              knows the future...

           Worn.                 Them

              Oh so it’s just School    roll call...

    Contact

   You must

Ya no dude’s already a    headstart...

Ahsoka

 Dude,  he just override   the punishment   

  Does he   have the authority to do that?

   [I     don’t     think        so]

 Cad bane

   He      probably isn’t

   And you already know him From the previous episode

    Good for         Obi-won

      Aight

     Mace Windu         don’t give a fuck

      Kid Fisto              disappeared

      And. .       Luminara(?)

       Went to go get a snack....             ?

        I don’t             know

        Yoda

        Got          Overruled

       Aight,           Okay

  .....

     This episode...

         Makes me feel disgusting              Watching                The middle                 At least

           It’s very clearly                 boomer bait...

           The beginning...

          Focus-ing on the           importance of taking orders           (With no                       sarcasm                                   to my understanding,)

       Progressing,               Into, 

             Dah, de, dah,                    ��     Generation                        ____                    doesn’t               understand                  books!

                  *We might  if they got out of our way, let us do our thing, dis-covered and pract-iced excess, on our volition

                   *if we wanted   to

Honestly   convinced.  I should’ve      given       them          a        strike       right       there 

Out     of  

Malicious

 Won’t   (Out of restraint)

But     a   thought   none-       the-  

 less

Being        a     (toxic)      Boomers     Fantasy        in   which    they,      the     all   powerful      all   knowing       adults     must       help       poor     Ig-      nor        -ant       (Child)-

(I’m sorry   this really       disgusts me)

  -with enough initiative            To praise their Brilliance

         (It’s re-ally   di-sgusting)

           This isn’t            seen as an overreach                   Or con-                Des-cion                      Of                       A                     Gen

And gives no   in-dication it recognizes how creepy what it’s doing is

Apart from the lighting in the council room

  *Which       I’m now convinced is permanently broken

    And continues with the assum-ption of a   life-time                       Over the future

     Breaking; the story pretty thoroughly

     And announcing the       return to      mediocrity...

     (Border       -ing on attempt at          lower        standards)

 (Also they playoff the death of a semi-sentient species      For            Humor?

       He          died        screaming!

[taiblogcomics]

Absolutely Thera-Pissed

Hey there, visas and green cards. It's our ninth blogaversary! Wow, we've been going for quite a long time. Long enough to completely change platforms at least once. Considering we just finished our whole backlog, I think we should try something new in honour of the amazing coincidence of these two events synching up. Before we start on another backlog of terrible comics (trust me, I have something in mind), let's do something we've never done before on this blog. We've only ever really covered comics issue by issue. How would you feel, dear readers, if we instead did an entire storyline all at once?

And oh boy, do I have just the storyline in mind. Here's the cover:

Oh yeah. We're doing this. This story has kind of hung over this blog, mostly due to its connections to Red Hood and the Outlaws. It also prominitely features Harley Quinn, who also appeared in Suicide Squad (which ended before this story took place). And personally, I am a fan of Harley, Booster, and the Titans. And oh boy, does this comic shit all over them, in some of the most truly appalling ways possible. This is Heroes in Crisis. All nine issues. Let's jump right in~

I won’t be going over the covers of the individual issues, or even this one so much, but I do like that quote at the top. It is actually some good superhero artwork! It is an extremely awful story, but the artwork is fine~

So the first issue starts like this: Booster Gold's in one of those tiny middle-American diners. The host's loving it, since she says superheroes never show up and eat here. And oh look, here comes another one! Booster replies that that's no hero, as Harley Quinn walks in. Clearly he hasn't been reading her solo series. Harley orders some pie, and she and Booster eat in terse silence. Until suddenly Harley grabs a knife, and the two begin a real knock-down, drag-out fight. And lemme tell ya something, Harley keeps up with a guy who can fly and project forcefields pretty well. Eventually the pair are exhausted, and Booster says he's gotta bring Harley in, after what he saw her do. Harley protests, because she didn't kill all those people. She saw Booster do it.

All this is intercut with two different scenes. One is sort of a confession-cam style thing, a bunch of heroes (including Harley, Blue Jay, Booster, and Hotspot) all admitting they're here for therapy. And the second is Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman talking with each other as they land in a particular site. This place is called Sanctuary. It is currently full of dead heroes. Among the deceased here are Hotspot, Lagoon Boy, Wally West, and Roy Harper. And this is my first major complaint. Do you know what all these characters have in common? Hey, DC: Stop using the Titans as your cannon fodder. Stop treating them as a joke. Every iteration of the team deserves more respect than this.

So Harley and Booster are going to be our POV characters for this story. I like both of these characters a lot, so this is probably going to be pretty painful seeing them written horribly. Harley goes off to the Penguin for protection, and we actually get to see her in her old costume. It is a breath of fresh air, honestly. Booster, meanwhile, mostly just tries to rationalise his actions with Skeets, his robot buddy. Booster suffered kind of a psychotic break back in the Batman storyline "The Gift", which is why he was in Sanctuary to begin with. This story is basically a follow-up to that one, and has the same sort of tone.

Harley confronts the trinity in Gotham, revealing she set the whole thing up with Penguin just so she could get close to them on her terms. She uses the Lasso of Truth to confess she saw Booster Gold do it, then uses the Kryptonite in Batman's belt to skip town. The next time we see her, she's at the docks, giving a eulogy to Poison Ivy, another victim of Sanctuary. Booster Gold, meanwhile, has rationalised that Batman would solve the crime himself rather than turn himself in, and goes to Barry Allen to check in. Of course, the trinity are the only ones who know about the accident yet, so when Booster tells Barry that Wally's dead, he gets super pissed. Just like the readers are!

Issue 3 is a flashback issue, showing Booster's first day at Sanctuary. Sanctuary works like this: everyone gets their own private quarters, and if they want to visit the common areas, they wear a mask and cloak to preserve anonymity. Here's the first really big problem with Sanctuary: while therapy for superheroes is a good (possibly necessary) concept, Sanctuary is only one kind of therapy. It essentially assumes everyone responds the same to the same sort of therapy. The kind here is that Sanctuary gives you a private room that simulates your traumas (with a holodeck) and has you physically confront them. Lagoon Boy, for example, is shown to be facing the laser that killed him over and over again. Wally sets up superhero battles that still have his kids with him. And while this sort of therapy might help some people, it's definitely not universal.

Booster starts his first session, which ends up just being a hologram of himself, talking to him. Before he can get much further, though, alarms go off and everyone is urged to emergency evacuate. Lagoon Boy is killed--in a deliberate callback to his previous death, no less--and we see a few other victims, including Red Devil, Commander Steel, and Gunfire. Wally clutches Roy's body as he dies in his arms, and Harley smacks Wally in the face with her hammer. She greets Booster cheerfully, and he admits he's having a hell of a first day.

After a brief scene of Aqualad (Garth, in this case) drinking in a bar--and who can blame him for wanting to drink after experiencing this story?--Batman and Barry meet, thus showing they're still unsure who did it. Booster is being interrogated under the Lasso of Truth, and he relays the previous issue to us. In his mind, Harley did it. Harley, meanwhile, has tracked down Batgirl (Barbara Gordon) and surprisingly... they hug. Babs promises to help stick by Harley and prove her innocence. After all, Babs has been through trauma, too. The comic reminds us of this with another confession-cam video, showing Babs display the scars she received from “The Killing Joke".

So, about these confession cams... They've been interspersed between scenes, showing everyone from Batman down to guys like Gunfire or the Protector relaying their problems by confession. Again, this sort of therapy isn't for everyone, but it's the only one Sanctuary's got. Superman tells Batman that Lois has been receiving these videos anonymously. Batman responds that there are no videos. Sanctuary does not keep records, to preserve patient confidentiality. Supes replies that there are videos, he's seen them, and now the media has them. The issue ends with a breaking story about "What is the secret superhero Sanctuary?" exposé airing on television...

Speaking of breaking, Blue Beetle (Ted Kord, who I'm as surprised as anybody to find out is alive again post-Rebirth) breaks Booster out of the Hall of Justice where he's being held. The pair watch the breaking news report on television while they try to come up with a plan. Booster's idea is to confess to Barry again, figuring they won't expect the stupidest possible move, making it actually the smartest possible move. Booster has not really recovered from his insanity, I see. He and Beetle do exactly that, surprising Barry at work, which is apparently all the advantage they need. This is because Barry, as a forensic scientist, has access to the data on the autopsies.

While Superman makes a public statement to the press regarding Sanctuary, Batman passes Skeets into Batgirl's care, and she immediately violates that trust by in turn passing Skeets to Harley. It's implied Harley tortures the information regarding Booster's whereabouts out of Skeets, but it's okay because he's just a robot. Babs and Harley turn up at Booster's place as he's analysing the data he obtained from Barry. Here's where it all starts to fall into place: the data on Wally West says his body is five days older than the rest of them.

Issue 6 is kind of a triple piece, but one that can be summed up fairly quickly. It focuses on three specific characters who were all at Sanctuary. The parts regarding Gnaark the caveman (another Titans alumnus) are ultimately pointless, since the issue ends with his death. The parts with Harley focus on Joker's abuse of her and Posion Ivy's care towards her. This also ends badly. Wally's parts focus on the DC Rebirth story where he essentially willed himself back into the universe. And while that story is really good and it was a joy to see Wally again, it ultimately ended with the knowledge that Wally's family did not reappear with him. His kids are gone, his wife is with someone else and does not remember him, and until he forced his way back into everyone's memories, no one else recalled him either. This would traumatise anybody. But it may have really traumatised Wally.

The next issue starts really well, honestly. Booster and Harley are fighting it out--again--while Babs and Beetle just watch. Like, they aren't even stressed, they're both familiar with their respective charges, and this is really no surprise. In any other comic, this would be a great scene. Shame that it's in this one, and it's not nearly enough to save even a lick of it. Eventually Babs works out that Booster's forcefields are only currently working because of some jury-rigged tech that's powered by Blue Beetle's consciousness. So she knocks him out with one hit. Harley prepares a killing blow, but ultimately cannot go through with it, proving she's a good person. She and Booster just collapse on the floor, and bond over the fact that they both kind of suck as superheroes (from their own perspectives, at least).

With Booster, Beetle, Babs, and Harley (Barley?) all on the same side now, the group decide to get to the bottom of everything together. Meanwhile, the rose Harley dropped off the docks is picked up by Wally. See, while the body they found of Wally is five days older than the rest, this means he time-traveled and is still at present alive. Wally channels his Speed Force into the rose, causing it to grow rapidly--and Poison Ivy blooms from it, restored to life. I don't get it either, but if it means Ivy didn't die in this stupid story, I'll take it. Wally then apologises, since Ivy just returned to life and now she has to see death so soon. Those five days are up, and a second Wally appears, ready to literally kill himself.

So here's what really fucking happened.

Wally had been at Sanctuary three weeks already. He's frustrated because the therapy's not helping as fast as he thought it would. He does a jump into the Speed Force and basically exists everywhere at once. Spread across the time stream, he witnesses everybody's confession cams all at once. He sees "the trauma of a thousand heroes in crisis" (hey, we have a title, ladies and gentlemen). And... it's too much. Realising everybody's personal pain breaks him. He unleashes the burst of pent-up energy he'd stored to do the time jaunt thing and kills everyone at Sanctuary.

Lagoon Boy. Protector. Hotspot. Red Devil. Arsenal. Gnaark. Solstice. Tattooed Man. Gunfire. Blue Jay. Commander Steel. Nemesis. I want you to remember these names. These were all pre-existing characters. Half of them were members of the Titans at one point or another. Wally West, the Flash, killed them in a stupid, stupid storyline that not only assassinates his character, but also literally assassinates all these other characters.

Wally uses his super speed to set up the bodies, rig the crime scenes so it looks like Harley or Booster could be responsible for their deaths. He then travels forward in time to the present moment, where he has just confessed all this to Poison Ivy. He kills that version of himself and travels back in time with it to fake his own death. He then uses the VR tech of Sanctuary to trick Booster and Harley into believing they saw the other commit the deeds. Neither of them even knew they'd never left their respective therapy simulations. This leaves Wally with a five day window to figure out something good he can do to make up for killing everyone.

So the final issue wraps it up like this: Booster time-travels the group back to where Barry is about to kill his own paradox clone. Harley and Ivy reunite, which is nice. So here's the plan: this doesn't have to end with any more death. In the end, what Barry did was all an accident. So Booster travels into the future to make a clone of the paradox-Wally. This gives them a five-day-old body they can leave at the massacre, in order to close the timeloop. The present Wally turns himself in and is arrested, while the five-days-ago paradox Wally merges back into the Speed Force, still running to try and find his family.

And the "good" thing Wally did to make up for killing everyone? He was the one that leaked Sanctuary's existence to the media. In his mind, the idea that heroes are seen as constant paragons was too much pressure. By letting the public know that even superheroes need therapy, even superheroes suffer trauma just like everyone else, he he could let people know that heroes are just that: people. People like everyone else. And that it is okay for anyone to seek help if you need it. This seems like a nice sentiment, until you remember the reason Wally killed everyone is because he was impatient about how his therapy was going.  What an awful story.

-----

Like, legitimately, this story is just awful. The basic premise--that heroes could probably do with therapy--is not a bad one. The execution is just really completely mismanaged, though. Start with the beginning. Why are Harley Quinn and Booster Gold chosen as the focus characters? Because they're the ones you could believe would orchestrate a mass murder, right? Except no. You would never believe that. Booster is not that much of a screw-up, and Harley is not that much of a villain. Neither of them have been those things for many years. The readers know that, but it feels like the writer didn't.

And that's the worst part of it all. The superficiality of the story. In the end, why was this story written? To explore the concept of therapy for superheroes? Well, then, it went about it in the worst way possible. Not everyone experiences trauma in the same way. And therefore, not everyone responds to therapy in the same way. The way therapy is depicted in this story is just wrong. Frankly, Sanctuary looks like one of the worst places to get treatment, right alongside Arkham Asylum. Do you think anybody's really going to take away from this story "It's okay to talk about your traumas if you need to"? In or out of universe?

I didn't really talk about the confession cams, but they seemed highly unnecessary. They were always the same, a 3x3 of panels featuring a superhero talking about their traumas. Most of them didn't factor into the story, and at most they felt like a common scene transition. They tried to give them some weight by revealing that the contents of all these possibly got leaked? But then they just kinda dropped that subplot. Which was really kind of serious, because the traumas range from the Protector (a character created for drug PSAs) confessing that he has done drugs to Superman talking about the burden of keeping his identity secret. How much of these did the public actually get? And if it was none, what was even the point of it being a subplot~? Like, leak that Sanctuary existed, sure, but why did Lois Lane get sent all the videos that shouldn't have existed~?

What this story has done to Wally is awful. They have completely tarnished this likeable, amazing hero by having him kill twelve people (thirteen, if you include Poison Ivy), several of them colleagues and friends. All because he's trying to fake his way through therapy when it isn't helping him as fast as he wants. Know what would have been a good story? How about he learns to cope with his trauma? How about he actually gets his family back? It's unrealistic as hell, but it's a fictional story. It's escapism. It's okay to have a happy ending. I ''want'' my stories to end in happy endings, because it's so hard to get them in real life. I want something better than this.

DC Rebirth was a breath of fresh air. Wally's return to the DC universe felt like the clouds were lifitng. The stories following Rebirth felt like a return to form after the darkening of the New 52. It felt like the stories were getting good again, like the comics were getting fun and hopeful again. It couldn't last, though, could it? This story is only three years after the Rebirth initiative. Three years? That's all the hope we get in the universe? I sincerely hope this story ends up an abberation, and not a return to form of the darker, more dour universe we put up with in the New 52. Especially given current events, you can understand why a brighter, optimistic fictional world is appealing. I sincerely hope that when comics resume publication after the pandemic, a more positive outlook continues, and stories like this are left in the garbage where they belong.

This book is fucking awful, and I am done with it. Next week, we'll start reviewing an all-new series for the Taiblog. Let's just say I'm not done ranting about injustices against the Teen Titans~

[vagrantblvrd]

jeremavinwood wtih battle buddies?

Hmmm.

Okay, so.

I’m going to do this with FAHC AU because look, okay, look.

That one FAHC AU where Michael’s just starting out with this whole life of crime business. Hired muscle for whoever wants to hire him and not much else. (No one wants anything else, and he’s fine with that.)

Somewhere along the way he meets Gavin, you know. Little bastard working for a crew that hires Michael on.

Some kind of hacker or tech guy and completely ignored by the other hired muscle and most of the regular crew because he’s this scrawny little British fuck.

Michael’s just there for whatever job he’s been hired for, so he doesn’t plan on getting to know Gavin or the others, which is his own mistake because Gavin?

God knows why Gavin is !!! about Michael almost from the start, zeroes in on him whenever he’s around and pestering the fuck out of him. Will make a beeline for him when Michael’s around and it turns into this odd little friendship after a while because once that job’s over they have these moments where they’re working for the same crew or just run into one another at random times.

And, okay. Gavin’s not the worst person to talk to with the odd way his brain works of his bizarre/ridiculous questions. The way he just plonks himself down next to Michael when he’s eating and starts rambling on about something or other for the longest time, but they’re not friends okay?

They’re not.

(...but maybe???)

Anyhow, Michael works crews and gangs whoever will hire him. Gavin’s this annoying thorn in his side and life is somehow not completely terrible.

Michael’s just starting to think he can have something good here if he’s lucky, careful, so of course that’s when things go wrong.

He’s working for some asshole and he’s got a bad feeling about it the whole damn time but it’s not like he’s got a lot of options open to him if he wants to pay his bills and the whatnot.

He’s definitely not surprised when shit goes wrong in the worst way and he has to make a run for it. Too much too fast and just enough time to warn Gavin to keep an eye out, maybe leave the city. (Just in case, because people know they know one another and it’d be a shitty thing for him not to warn Gavin.)

Michael ends up running all the way to Los Santos, loses whoever was chasing him in the city. (Loses part of himself too, but that’s not important because hey, he’s still alive, so yeah.)

And then, okay.

And then.

While he’s busy making a life for himself there he keeps running into this one asshole – wonders if it’s something wrong with him that this shit keeps happening, but whatever – who has the worst fashion sense Michael’s ever had the misfortune to witness with his own two eyes.

Moron who calls himself Rimmy Tim like that’s a real name and talks real big for someone so short. (Good thing he’s got the muscles to back that mouth of his up, though.)

This Rimmy Tim, guy, though.

He’s not like all the other goons and thugs in the city. Doesn’t really move like them although Michael can tell he’s trying to.

Yeah, no.

The guy’s got real training, right. Maybe former military or some law enforcement behind him, but whatever it was he’s not talking. Would rather wax poetic about some sweet new car he’s got Plans for one day, and all the way he’s going to ruin it with his hideous color scheme.

Drag Michael out to a bar and buy him drinks until they’re both too drunk not to get into a bar fight (or two, or more) and have to run from the cops that get called in to deal with the drunk assholes fighting over the stupidest shit ever.

Maybe, kind of falls into bed with him every so often, all these bad decisions and a life that probably won’t let them grow old and hey, why the fuck not you know?

Michael’s got his regrets and Jeremy’s (yeah, no, he’s shit at keeping the Rimmy Tim thing straight even when he hasn’t had a few) got his and anyway, anyway,  this thing between them isn’t serious. Just a friends with benefits thing, even if they really aren’t friends, you know?

Like, sure. Eventually they get a place together because they’re tired of living in shitty little apartments and if they put their money together they can afford someplace halfway decent because Los Santos can be stupid expensive.

It’s just a smart move on their part, really. Cuts down on expenses and other shit and if it means sometimes they just sprawl out on the couch watching some shitty movie together instead of hitting a bar and getting into fights all the damn time for no real reason, that’s a price they have to pay.

(And, like. If  “falling into bed together” sometimes means they don’t do the do and just sleep, that’s their own problem, isn’t it.)

But then because reasons shit happens.

They get hired by this asshole that neither of them can afford to say no to – offers they can’t refuse and by this point they’ve kind of gained a reputation for themselves. The kind that assholes can take advantage of because Michael and Jeremy are idiots and not as subtle as they think they are, and anyway, anyway.

This asshole has a problem and they’re just muscle hired on to help him with said problem.

This creepy, spooky bastard that’s just starting to make a reputation of his own here in Los Santos. Vicious bastard who wears s fucking skull mask (who does that?) and has taken to picking off their new bosses people/allies/etc.

Real vendetta kind of bullshit, and it’s gotten to be a Problem for the guy.

Enough that he’s hiring the best people he can get his hands on (threaten) and somehow Michael and Jeremy are grouped in there.

And then, okay.

Shit gets weird.

Because there are all these rumors and stories floating around this Vagabond character that just don’t add up? Things he’s done (said to have done) that one person, no matter how skilled, could have pulled off.

Michael and Jeremy are positive he has to have at least one partner working with him, if not more.

No other way to explain how he’s supposed to have dealt with a weapons deal up in Blaine County the same time he sniped a fucker in La Mesa. (Hell of a shot and while no one’s saying he’s not up to it, it’s   impossible for anyone to be in two places at once.)

More and more stories like that come rolling in as Michael and Jeremy work for this asshole, see the way the other hired muscle is getting picked off. The way their boss keeps losing allies and whatever else to the Vagabond. (And his partner, even if everyone else is so damn certain this guy’s a lone wolf or whatever.)

They’re pretty sure it’s a matter of time until they get picked off, because of course, and are making half-assed plans to run for it before that happens.

No loyalty to their current boss, and anyway, neither of them plan to die for someone like him – so of course, of course, that’s when they have their first run-in with this Vagabond asshole, you know?Checking on an operation their boss is getting antsy about and oh, hey, there’s that fucker with the skull mask.

Flesh and blood and not this bogeyman the stories insist he is because Michael clips him with a shot when the guy gets the drop on Jeremy.

Lucky shot, really, because the bastard’s too busy staring at Jeremy to notice Michael until the last moment and it’s a clusterfuck, really.

Jeremy with his own little flesh-wound from one of the Vagabond’s knives and Michael freaked out at the close call. (At Jeremy going all quiet and locked down from it, and Michael was too worried to push because he’s never seen Jeremy like that in all the time he’s known him.)

Their boss is not pleased when they tell him what happened, because by the time they got there everyone else was dead or managed to escape and it was just the Vagabond waiting for them, and the clusterfuck that followed.

They get yelled at, because of course, and go home to lick their wounds in private and wait for their boss to call them for the next job.

Michael’s worried because Jeremy’s acting weird okay, even for him. Doesn’t say a damn thing until Michael’s patching him up and then it’s.

Fuck, it’s Jeremy’s Tragic Backstory, isn’t it.

This whole mess of a story of a government agency Michael's never heard of and a partner (that whole bit about Jeremy and his regrets) Michael’s pretty sure Jeremy was involved with or wanted to be, and this suicide mission they were sent on to cover up their agency’s dirty little secrets.

One that got Jeremy’s partner killed and damn near killed Jeremy, had him faking his death and hiding out in Los Santos and eventually meeting up with Michael and the whole downhill ride from there. (Because really, okay, really.)

Jeremy just. Telling Michael everything about his past this this weirdo partner of his he definitely loved even if they never Talked About It and Michael having the worst feeling why -

“And, uh,” Jeremy says, worst kind of smile on his face as he stares down at the floor, drops of his own blood while Michael was patching him up, “I’m pretty sure he just tried to kill me.”

Awkward laugh as he looks up at Michael. “Us, I mean,” because the Vagabond took a swipe at Michael before he ran, tossed a throwing knife his way although thankfully it missed.

And Michael, okay.

Just.

“Great,” Michael says, because what else can he say? “That’s awesome.”

Anyway, anyway.

They try to carry on best they can after that, go through the motions when it comes to their boss although now they’re less worried about what he might do and more interested in why the Vagabond’s going after him so fucking hard.

Do a little digging – Jeremy knows a hacker in Matt, and Michael knows a guy who knows almost everything there is to know in the city in Alfredo – and then they make the worst goddamned choices ever.

Go looking for the Vagabond and whoever he’s working for and it ends up with them having these altercations where the bastard thinks they’re trying to kill him.

Clearly working for the bastard he’s going after for whatever reason, and the fact they’re looking for him means they want him dead and it’s just. Worst Scooby Doo shenanigans ever.

Results in more close calls and flesh-wounds and Jeremy getting all worked up because okay, yeah, that is definitely that asshole Ryan and goddammit, he just wants to talk, so fucking stop shooting at him!!! (Also, quiet mopey Jeremy with Michael off to the side wondering why the hell his life is the way it is.)

One night Jeremy takes off to find Ryan without telling Michael, so of course it goes horribly wrong, you know?

Michael and Jeremy’s boss being suspicious of the two of them not putting their hearts into working for him and putting a tail on them, and anyway.

Jeremy finds Ryan and actually gets to talk to him without the two of them shooting at one another or getting involved in another stupidly awesome knife fight. (Like, hardcore awesome because Ryan helped train Jeremy in knife fighting back in their agency days so it’s all that training Ryan gave him plus whatever Jeremy’s picked up on his own since and the two of them being almost evenly matched, but I digress.)

And, okay. Some of that did happen, but Jeremy managed to talk to Ryan, get him to listen and just when he was making some headway into getting Ryan to believe that Jeremy and Michael don’t want to kill him their boss and his flunkies show up and drag the two of them off to “have a discussion”.

Michael is like, goddammit, when he realizes Jeremy ran off because he knows where he has to have gone, even if he doesn’t know where. Is about to call Alfredo or even Matt for help when he gets a text.

Unknown number and suspicious as hell. Just an address and something about knowing where Jeremy and Ryan are, but he doesn’t have a lot of choices.

Goes to the address and it’s definitely a trap. Shitty apartment in a rundown building and the kind of place people disappear all the time, and that’s when he hears footsteps behind him and a gun being cocked and turns to see that little bastard Gavin, of all people.

Looks a hell of lot different from the last time they saw one another. Older, thinner (not in a good way) and exhausted as hell.

Holds the gun in his hands like he knows how to use it, and this edge to his smile Michael doesn’t remember seeing before.

It sucks, it does, because what's happened since they last saw one another can’t have been good to have Gavin looking at him the way he is. Like he’s not sure he can trust Michael, even though there was a time Michael knew he did. (The way he trusted Gavin.)

Still.

Jeremy and Ryan and all that.

(And that’s a hell of a shock, realizing Gavin was Ryan’s partner in all this...whatever the two of them have been doing. The sniper who killed that asshole in La Mesa while the Vagabond dealt with a weapons deal in Blaine County and so many other things. Shit Michael never thought about Gavin doing, even though some part of him knew with the shit Gavin used to say.)

This uneasy truce until they get Jeremy and Ryan back (and not wanting to think about what happens then, because talk about confusing and mess as hell) and just.

Work together to figure out what happened. Go to Alfredo and Matt and piece shit together and then cobble together some incredibly risky, half-assed plan to get their idiots back.

(Because Gavin talks about Ryan the way Michael does about Jeremy and oh, man, that’s another kick to the chest because way back when there was a part of Michael that wanted to have Plans involving Gavin, if they ever got lucky enough to be in a position they could have plans, you know? But anyway, focus on the now and Jeremy and Ryan and deal with everything else later.)

Shenanigans and terrible plans that almost get them killed, so it’s a relief when Jeremy and Ryan meet them halfway through them after escaping from whatever locked room they were being held in. More shenanigans in all of them escaping and leaving the building to burn to the ground behind them and then, like.

Talking.

But also patching one another up, and Ryan watching the way Michael’s careful with Jeremy and vice versa. Michael watching Gavin fussing over Ryan and seeing the look on Jeremy’s face and oh, Jesus Christ, this is definitely nothing Michael ever expected in his life because fucking Christ, what even is this?

Ryan and Gavin telling him and Jeremy how they happened to meet up in Los Santos a few years back. Gavin having wandered over after a series of events he glosses over in the most infuriating way (and Michael being weirdly, exasperatedly fond about it) and oh, hey, that’s a creepy bastard in a cheap mask,  is it?

Ryan thinking Jeremy was killed on the suicide mission their agency sent them on and faking his own death and just. A lot of shit involving conspiracy theories and the whatnot that resulted in the Vagabond coming about because mission of vengeance and the like.

Ryan coming to Los Santos because the last people behind the conspiracy were here, and meeting Gavin and the two of them teaming up because why not. (Mostly Gavin not leaving Ryan the fuck alone, and maybe needing something to focus on himself, and he liked Ryan, didn’t he.)

And then, just.

Shenanigans.

The two of them working together, no one knowing about Gavin because Ryan was the focus, wasn’t he? Wanted people paying attention to him – especially the ones he was hunting – and it was better (safer) for Gavin to stay in the shadows.

And then the whole clusterfuck with Michael and Jeremy and everything that happened afterward until this most recent bullshit and just.

Where to go now that Jeremy and Ryan know the other’s alive (And wow, that’s going to be a lot of Talking and Conversations in the future for them, assuming they survive to have them.)

Also Michael and Gavin and their whatever is going on there. (More of this Talking and Conversations, one assumes.)

Ryan trying to get Jeremy and Michael to leave town, leave everything to him and Gavin, as if that would actually happen and Michael watching Jeremy tear the Vagabond a new one. (Gavin trying and failing not to laugh, because Ryan really is an idiot.)

Michael shrugging when Ryan asks him what he thinks because fuck if he knows, you know? But it’s obvious to him Jeremy’s not going to let Ryan and Gavin tackle this mess on their own anymore, and he’s kind of invested in Jeremy not being dead, so.

Yeah.

The four of them working together to bring this asshole (and the others Ryan and Gavin have been targeting) down, and all these Feelings springing up as they do.

Those quiet nights spent staring at whatever plans they’re working on. Other sleepless nights where Michael finds Ryan brooding or Gavin working on something on his computer. Jeremy working the heavy bag – because of course there’s one set up wherever Ryan and Gavin are working out of – and Ryan wandering down to watch him.

Wistful glances and all that good stuff. Lingering touches and so on. Patching one another up after a fight or going after another target.

Michael picking up on Ryan’s restlessness and goading him into a fight – sorry, sparring match – even though he knows he’s outmatched.

(Jeremy got hurt earlier and Gavin took him to a discreet doctor they know and it’s the two of them in whatever base Ryan and Gavin are using and it’s a mercy, what Michael’s doing even though he knows he’s going to get his ass handed to him.

And, sure. It looks that way at first, but eventually Ryan gets his head out of his ass and realizes what Michael’s doing/did, and it goes from being this potentially dangerously idiotic thing Michael instigated to. Like. Something almost fun?

Ryan teaching him some hand-to-hand moves he learned in his agency days, and Michael managing to throw/pin him just as Jeremy and Gavin get back and it’s awkward as hell because wow, compromising position they’re in?

But it just gets a thoughtful look from Jeremy and Gavin – the two of them sharing a look before smirking and laughing at Michael and Ryan and just what the fuck is that about, huh? - and other such things.

Final battle/whatever with the baddies and close calls and all that and the four of them being all ??? about what to do now that things have been settled?Because look.

Feelings and emotionally constipated assholes, right?

Someone proposes that it wouldn’t hurt if they continued working together – the Vagabond’s reputation and ones Michael and Jeremy have earned for themselves. Gavin working from the shadows, watching their backs and looking out for them and they really do make a hell of a team.

Picking up jobs/heists that Alfredo and Matt toss their way, and the slow realization that oh shit, they’re hot they face on a near daily basis because Feelings and lack of jealousy and general appreciation for the other three being unfairly attractive assholes until they get their shit together.

Because reasons.

ALSO.

ALL the cats, because Gavin and Jeremy and the stray population in Los Santos. (Also a pupper or two,  because Michael and Ryan and the stray population in Los Santos.)

At some point Geoff and Jack happen along, and when the Fake AH Crew becomes a thing they need a hacker and some asshole who knows almost everything that happens in Los Santos and just.

It turns into a mess, is the thing, a horrible, horrible mess. (The worst.)