#one hates her past and doesn’t speak her mind for fear that she might revert back into her awful self again and hurt the ones she loves

[vivizzy]

starlight glimmer and trixie are me fr

[waywardimpalawriter]

“Kissing me breaks the promise… remember?" with Javier and can I please have a happy ending, I know it's angst prompts but.... :D Thank you!

Crazy Love

Pairing: Javier Peña x Plus Size Female Reader

Characters: Javier Peña, Steve Murphy, mentions Connie Murphy

Setting: After season one episode 7 ‘You will cry tears of blood’, five months after the events in ‘Heels’,

Rating: M (Mature), E (Explicit), NSFW, 18+ only please

Warnings: mentions of gun violence, almost killing a child, self hatred, smut, unprotected sex, Angry Javier (yes he needs a warning), angst, slight fluff at the end,

Summary: One slip up, reacting too quickly he could’ve ended the life of one way too young to fight the wars of old men. Thoughts filled with darkness, what if’s and self degradation. Wanting to loose himself in the only way he knows. To find because of you he can brave the dawn and the coming war.

Word count: 5,985 (with lyrics)

Notes: Thank you so much for the request sweetie, @autumnleaves1991-blog I hope you enjoy. Prompt in bold. The song used is ‘Crazy Love’ written by Van Morrison and preformed by various artists. This also a sequel to “Heel’s part 1” written some months back.

Tag List:

Forever’s: @chickensarentcheap @jedi-mando

Knuckles white with the grip he’s got on the steer wheel, eyes darting between the thin packed streets and Murphy with the baby in his arms. “What about the kid? Any ideas where to take her?”

Missing the shrug, with his eyes back on the road, “For now I’ll take her with us.” Smirk twitching his dark blond mustache with the look Javier pins him with at a stop light. “Don’t worry Javi she ain’t gonna stay with you. Poor darlin can’t live on whiskey and cigarettes. Though the parade of women might slow with her at your apartment.”

“There’s no parade jackass,” trying to focus on the road ahead and off what almost occurred three hours ago.

Subtle tick to his jaw knowing something’s bothering his partner about what went down. More to the point of how it went to shit and letting two high ranking Sicario slip through their fingers. “Wanna spill what’s eaten at you?”

“No just take care of the kid don’t need you play shrink in my head,” pulling up to the embassy, Javier kills the engine turning fully to look at Steve. “Care to share your explanation to Noonan or will you wing it?”

Shrugging Steve glances down into her sleepy eyes trying to figure out just what he’ll say. More importantly what he’s going to tell Connie. “I’m not,” looking back over at Peña seeing a raised brow. “I’ll take her home to Connie, figure out this shit as we go.”

“I’m sure Y/N would babysit,” mentioning you name cut deeply as the last month he’s put distance between the two of you. Continuing the relationship based solely on your sexual needs instead of the feeling he keeps buried.

“Doubtful, she’s working on transferring out. Packing I’m sure takes her time up right now,” seeing the scowling confusion drawing his brows down. “You knew she asked for a transfer right?”

“When?” Curses fill his mind. Directed fully at himself for letting the situation spiral out of control to the point you’ve become that notch on his bed post. Telling himself he’s going to let you go but never finding the courage to actually cut the strings. “She never mentioned taking a transfer. ”

The nights spent together you never mentioned a transfer. But then words rarely left either of your lips that’s not in passionate pleas wanting more or demands for completion. Conversations the first to go in the crumbling relationship, embraces followed not long after and the final straw added a month and a half ago. No kisses on the mouth anyway a promise you made him invoke to separate the past pleasures from the present stalemate.

Revisiting those thoughts often, Javier understood why you made the decision. One he hated but respected. Wondering most nights why you still let him inside your soft plush body instead of putting up a wall between the two of you. Shoving him out of your life fully. But then the transfer you didn’t speak of talked louder than any uttered words could.

“Two weeks ago, something about returning back to the States. Damn shame Y/N’s a fucking amazing secretary even better person. Why’d you go fuck things up for us both?” Wanting to knock some sense into Javier but a part of Steve understood the other man’s reasons for pushing you away. “Just let her go man this job she’s not fit nor can put up with the stress. I know I pushed at first but whatever you did to shover her away it’s for the best.”

“She’s a lot stronger than you know,” said more to himself than Steve. Other mans words hitting deeper than Javier would say, his fingers tightening around the leather steering wheel. “You don’t know shit Murphy.”

“I know a month ago things changed between the two of you.” Switching the baby to his other arm cradling her close to his chest. “Whatever happened she become withdrawn, stopped smiling as much,” piercing him with a hard stare. “Reverting back to the woman I first met when coming Bogota.” Glancing out the windshield Steve drag a hand over his face exasperated sigh leaving his lips. “ piece of advice either fess up explain what’s eaten at you or let her go.”

Selfishness claws at his mind wanting to keep you from leaving. From getting away not only from Columbia it’s self but from him. The realistic half needing you safe a world removed from the war starting to build back up. This afternoon’s events flash through his mind of how he almost killed a kid. A fucking kid who tried to protect the Sicario scum he chased and cornered. Would’ve had him had the kid not pulled a gun on him. The decision not to pull the trigger an easy one this time. But what about the next? Making him no better than the men he chases if he decided to take the shot so easily. Affirming those thoughts to let you go for your greater good and health.

“Javi?” Snapping fingers to gain his attention. “Deep in thought or just swimming the shallow waters?”

Scowl taking up home over his features, “Don’t worry about it doesn’t concern you.”

“Fuck you say, she’s my friend to Javi.” Shaking his blond head wondering how much pushing it’ll take before Peña would break. “Besides I think Connie has a good chance at kicking your ass if you do anymore damaged. She’s wanted to get her hooks into you for a while now.”

Almost chuckling at those words though it’s mirthless and self deprecating. “She’s next in line,” tossing the words out while starting the Jeep. Silence reigns on the drive over to their apartment, pulling up to the curb and letting Steve out.

Who pauses in the open door, “Heading to Y/N’s? Or back to the Embassy?”

“Paperwork,” impatiently waiting for Steve to shut the door.

Eager for some peace and time to think. He sees you standing in the doorway arms crossed under your generous breasts. For once actually studying your features taking in the fact you look somber, dressed in well loved jeans and baggy T-shirt. No makeup, though Javi told you a thousand times how beautiful you look without all those cosmetics painted on your face. Heart kicking up at the way your staring at him. Barely seen with you so far away but he knows there’s a softness shining in your eyes. Emotions he’s never tried to decipher in other women till you. Thoughts now run into each other, fears chasing after wanting so much but feeling undeserving.

Soft chuckle echos around the Jeep’s cabin making Javi glance at Steve, “Time better served explaining than useless paperwork.” Looking over his shoulder to find you gone, “Before it’s to late and she’s gone.” Door slamming shut, Steve leans in through the open window with a meaningful expression on his handsome face. Patting the inside slight nod of his blond head before turning to go inside leaving Javier with to many thoughts.

Pulling away from the curb happening to glance back towards the apartments catching you standing at the window. Hand pressed to the glass unreadable look on your face one he’s sure shows signs of displeasure and anger. With a blink your silhouette disappears heart clenching at the thought he’s just imagined you standing there. Another curse flies from his lip, palm forcefully slamming down on the steering column doing nothing to temper the anger boiling inside his mind. Instead Javier guns the engine taking off at a high rate of speed receiving numerous honks in irritated warning.

*************************

Letting the curtain fall back in place wild thumping of your heart pulsing out a rhythm that aches with every pound. Partly hating yourself for getting involved with a man incapable of having any kind of relationship other than sexual. Asking yourself why you keep letting him back into your bed, into your heart knowing it’ll just break in the end. Only one answer comes to mind and you push it firmly back into the dark abyss. Focusing on what you needed to done. Having struggled for the last two months with the decision to finally put in for a transfer home, away from Columbia and Javier Peña. Never an easy choice especially when you’ve fallen in love with a man who would never love you back.

Heavy knocking makes you jump in spot leaning against the wall by the window. Hand coming to rest against the quickly beating organ threatening to thump right outta your chest. Taking a breath trying to calm down from the freight you take small steps to eat up the distance towards the door. Another round of pounding has a scowl appearing wondering who would beat your door down at this time of evening.

“Hold your horses I’m comin’ already,” raising you voice loud enough to at least pause the noise.

Grasping the doorknob right when, “Hermosa,” his voice pulls your hand back almost as if the knob burned you with that very endearment. “Open up you can’t hide I know your there.”

“Go away Javier I’m not in the mood,” arms crossed glaring at the door. Pivoting on bare feet to track towards the kitchen going back to sorting through what your keeping and leaving behind. Freezing in place the unmistakeable sound of a key sliding into lock. Cursing the fact you never asked for the spare back and giving him one in the first place. Try as you might to make your feet move instead there rooted in spot when the door opens. “I didn't invite you in Javi turn your ass around and leave.”

Breath escaping quickly, eyes narrowing after searching the apartment he’s spent the last months in. Catching sight of half filled boxes, newspaper scattered over the coffee table, before landing on your furious features. Hands gripping wide hips, soft chin jutted out in annoyance while eyes spit anger burying the true feelings deep. “It’s true?”

“Why do you care?” Countering his words biting the inside of your cheek to keep tears from sliding coldly down your cooling skin. “Leave Javier,” exasperated and tired just wanting to move on, putting the relationship in the past.

Not two steps away his warm gun callused hand incloses around your wrist tugging and turning your plush body around to face him. “Not till you answer me.”

“We don’t talk about feelings remember Peña, your rules,” yanking your wrist free glare firmly in place.

Flinching at the harsh tone eyes scorching him with there intensity, his own somber and filled with regret. Deserving of those very words no matter how much they hurt. He moves forward for you to take one back reaching to grasp both shoulders. Taking another step out of his reach slow two step pattern finds your back pressed against the bar counter. Reminiscent of the first time you made love all those months ago. Except this time you’d stand strong push him away and not fall prey to those warm russet eyes filled with so many indescribable emotions.

“Stupid rule I never should’ve put in our relationship,” three feet of space between the two of you. Both chests heaving breaths eyes locked and searching. His eyes close drawing in your familiar scent letting it wash all the days stress clean for a single moment in time. Ear’s picking up the quick beating of your heart wishing as his eyes open a smile would bloom over those kissably soft lips.

“But you did and there’s no taking it back now,” firm stance starting to crumble under the weight of emotions filtering through his dark eyes.

Half way to reaching out his hands drop back to fist at his sides, “I’m sorry hermosa I didn’t mean…” unsure how to fix what’s broken. Never good at speaking his feelings even when the need presents its self.

I can hear her heart beat for a thousand miles

And the heavens open every time she smiles

And when I come to her that's where I belong

Yet I'm running to her like a river's song

“What’d want from me Javier?” Pleading tone arms crossed to close your body off. Putting up a defense against the one man who’s managed to crumble every wall surround your heart. To starve off the bubbling emotions threatening to spill over and consume you.

Closing the small gap, callused hands cup both cheeks, fingers spread from apples to jawlines. Brushing his thumbs under your eyes his own pleading and soft ‘the puppy’ look you nicknamed it two weeks into the relationship. “To kiss you.”

Swallowing harshly, “Kissing me breaks the promise… remember?" Willing your body not to react, not to turn and place kisses to his palm. Nuzzling the warmth drawing peace from his comforting touch. “We made rules you know how I feel about kissing Javi.”

Almost two months ago things started to fall apart. Always asking yourself why you still let him into your bed and body. Part of you knowing the space carved Javier hole in your heart will never close. Not even denying the both of you those intimate kisses could change the fact he’s wormed his way through defenses long held too fall in love with your DEA agent.

“I know mi amor,” sliding one hand down from your face to wrap his arm around your thick waist. Pulling you flush into his embrace and against his body. Turning the both of you so it’s his back pressed into the counter. Savoring the softness wishing you’d hold him. Run your fingers through his hair and chase away the stress currently resurfacing with your tense posture. “I don’t want you to leave.” No truer words spoken ones that cut his very soul with the implications of what could happen if he didn’t take Steve’s advice.

Agony rips a new hole in your heart at his words, at the endearment dripping from those sinful lips. “You don’t mean that.” Eyes close to keep from staring into russet browns. Trying not to give in and foolishly hope he means what he speaks.

“I do hermosa,” eyes popping open at the barest brush of his chapped lips against yours, widen orbs find his shut, brow furrowed. “I don’t want to loose you.”

“Javier,” breathlessly whispering his name. The intensity of Javi’s declaration scares you not wanting to believe for a second his words ring true. Not when so many broken promises lay at your feet. Yet, if there’s one thing you know about Javier Peña he’s honest, never lying to you about what he wanted. Holding back sure, not letting you in those tightly held defenses of his own fuck yes, but lie to you never. Those thoughts make others chase after. Ones that scare you into thinking you’ve made a huge mistake by asking for the transfer. Could you leave his man who holds your heart? Walk away from a relationship that’s possibly just hitting a rough patch? So engrossed in those thoughts you don’t realize he’s tipping your chin up to angle your head in the prefect position to slot his mouth over yours.

Javier’s restraint having snapped with his name slipping from your bitten lips, wanting to meld the two of you together in the only way he knows how. Showing you with his body what his words couldn’t express. Javier captures your mouth in a bruising kiss filled with demands. Teeth biting at your lips, dragging plump bottom in to abuse with nibbles and soothing over with his tongue. Harsh gasp blown from your mouth giving him access to the warm cavern. Drinking from your well, tasting your flavor on his tongue always returning for more. Tangling together as his arm tightens around your soft waist.

Garnering a moan of need from deep within your chest. Attacking his mouth with your own, fingers coming into play by carding through those thick mahogany strands tugging harshly. Receiving a growl in return that vibrates down to your very core clit throbbing in response to his rough actions.

Mouths parting to gather air, “I need you hermosa please,” desperation coloring his tone foreheads resting together. The hand still cupping your cheek slides around to gently cup the back of your head. “I need…” swallowing hard, fighting to keep from taking you hard and fast right there. Burying the fear and pain, the anger and worry into your soft gentle body. Letting you sooth the demons threatening to consume his soul. But he couldn’t, promising to never show that side of himself to you.

Those thoughts in mind Javier moves in to kiss you only to chase your mouth till you place fingers over his searching lips. Seeing a spark of need in he eyes that’s closed away before fully blooming. Leading you to remember a conversation the two of you had at the on set of your relationship. Knowing what he needed and how, you step back watching his features fall with his arms to the side.

Only to have confusion replace the crestfallen expression as you tug the t-shirt up and off your body. Standing in just your panties and jeans, “I told you a long time ago Javier I’m not made of glass this body…” hands gliding up from your waist to soft tummy and generous breasts. “Won’t break if your rough with me.” Heat sparking in eyes that will him to listen, give in and take you. “If I’m staying and we work this out you’ll have to let me in.”

Each word hits him hard square in the heart, “I don’t want to hurt you cariño.”

“You already have Javier,” head dropping you go to tug your shirt back on. Only to have it ripped from your hand and tossed somewhere unseen. That soft gasp making his heart beat triple time. Strong arms wrap around your body to bring you back into his warmth. “Fix what you broke.”

There’s no gentleness to the possessive kiss Javier captures your mouth with. Large warm hands grip your plush ass to press into your tummy the thick ridge of his jeans covered erection. Low growl slipping passed parted gasping lips that angle for the right spot to draw those whimpers and moans he can never get enough of. Separating long enough to have you rip his tan button up open, little plastic disks pinging off the wall and tiled floor. Scoring your short nails over his soft tummy, toying with the button of his jeans.

“Fuck,” hissing through kiss swollen lips that attack your neck with bitting teeth. Wanting to mark each inch of you in reminder to himself of who you derive your pleasure from. “Do that again,” demanding cadence gets a soft smirk to spread over your bitten lips.

Keeping your eyes lock, breath existing quickly because of the passionate kiss. Short nails rake up his chest and leave little red lines behind. Detouring to pinch his pebbled tight nipples receiving another low growl against the skin of your collarbone. Where his mouth sucks a purpling mark laving his tongue over the bruising skin. Enjoying the shutter he feels race down your spine.

Pushing the shirt from his shoulders Javier raises his head to stare into your desire darken eyes. “Fuck me Javier till I can’t walk tomorrow.”

Simple words ignite a passion and deep seated need inside his body to claim and wreak you. Clothing becomes nothing more than obstacles in the way of having naked skin against his own. The two of your fumbling with buttons and zippers. His parting on a sigh of relief as you push the fabric to pool around his ankles. Nimble fingers brushing through course little hairs. Leading your hand to wrap around his shaft. Thick girth barely covered by your hand that you pump along heated velvet skin.

Smirking at the groaning string of Spanish curses falling from his lips. Only replaced by the pout, when he brushes your hand away. Mouth still just inches from yours brushing taking another sip from your lips. Drowning in the taste of your mouth, the feel of your plump lips against his. Devouring the pout and only breaking to whisper, “Later princesa.” Toeing off boots and soak covered feet pressing out of jeans, naked as on his born day for your eyes to devour.

Becoming insnared with his beauty far too long for Javier’s liking. Lips licked slowly watching the bob of his jutting cock. Mouth watering in want of a taste. Quick breaths expanded his soft covered muscular chest your hands itch to dust over. His handsomeness distracting you to the point a squeal issues from the back of your throat when he pulls you by the belt loops towards the couch. Skilled fingers making quick work of getting your jeans undone warm palms sliding the fabric down your body.

Javier drops back into the couch bringing you between his spread knees and placing kisses to your tummy. Nuzzling the underside of your breasts. Looking up to ensnare your vision with his own desire filled gaze. Strong arms holding you in place while eyes close, nose rubbing into your soft scantly skin resting his head on your tummy. Hands coming up to card through his hair gently this time tugging the locks and wrapping his shoulders with your arms. Emotions clogging your throat burning with the need to release the tears of mixed feelings.

Moaning head tossing back when his warm tongue peeking out to teasing the taut nipples his hands tug your panties down. Becoming impatient and ripping the thin cotton from your body. Making you gasp and look down into those desire blacken eyes you choose happily to drown in. “You’ll…” swallowing your words on a moan as those thick skilled fingers draw through your folds. Tapping your clit several times and retreating to slide inside your clinching walls.

She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love

She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love

She's got a fine sense of humor when I'm feeling low down

And when I come to her when the sun goes down

Take away my trouble, take away my grief

Take away my heartache, in the night like a thief

“I’ll buy you more cariño and go with you to help pick out certain ones,” giving you a cheeky wink. Groaning with the feel of slick coating his fingers, smirk in place when your hands brace on his shoulders to keep from tipping over into his arms. Pulling his fingers out to suck them clean making sure your watching his every move. The resounding whimper he draws out brings the same smug grin too tug at his lips. Gripping the back of your thick thighs to spread your stance and slot his own knees between.

Pulling you down against him knees on either side of his thighs. Hiss issued at the contact of your dripping folds coating his shaft trapped between your bodies. Rolling hips to tease your own hands gripping the back of the couch to brace yourself while raising up. Deep moan breaks from your chest when Javier draws the fat cock head through your folds. Circling your clit as your hips match the movements. Waiting till he’s notched himself at your entrance before slamming down against him.

Head tossing back at the stretch and burn of him splitting you open gasps of delight echo and play with the groans from Javier. Who grips your hips, holding you against him for a time face buried in your chest. Hot mouth searching out blindly latching onto your right nipple to bite down just hard enough to make your quivering channel squeeze him tightly.

“Fuck,” single word mumbled against your skin. When you start to move setting a quick pace that’s hard and demanding. Head dropping back between your gripping hands. String of curses and praise leave his lips. “Just like that hermosa, so fucking wet for me,” grunting into your mouth that came to fuss to his. Sharing breaths while you move against his body.

Taking possession of his pleasure with a kiss that’s deep and hungry. Devouring the sounds he makes with each quick roll of your hips. Pressing your generous breasts against the hard plains of his chest, nipples brushing his skin as his own hands grip your thick soft waist. Leaving behind bruises with how tightly he holds you. One hand gliding over sweat slicked skin to cup a full ass cheek giving a squeeze before landing a hard slap.

Movements falter with the stinging pleasure coursing through your veins, “Javi.” Kiss breaking breathlessly to catch his eyes. Seeing the indecision clearly written, you nod leaning to brushing your lips over his ear, “Again please.”

Mouth buries against the spot where shoulder and neck meet, planting his feet firmly to thrust into your welcoming cunt quicker. Letting a moment pass till he lands another smack to the other ass cheek. Soothing the pain with his warm palm, “Like that princesa?” Drawing his nose over the sweaty expanse of his throat tossed back on a gasp. Bearing your neck to his hungry gaze and mouth.

Taking advantage to bite and suck, thick mustache abrading your skin in the most delicious of ways. Sending tingles to dance across your skin making your clit throb with each hard pound of his cock deep inside your quivering walls. Wrapping your arms around his shoulders for leverage as your knees sink into the couch and you bounce on Javier’s cock. Thick thighs shaking as orgasm builds quicker than you thought possible.

“Yes,” whimpering out in answer. Both hands cup your ass helping you move against him. Sweat slicked shoulders make for a tough grip movements becoming choppy and sloppy. Low whine bubbles from the back of your throat needing more but unsure how to say.

Javier picks up on the destress, pulling out making the whine lengthen. “Lay back on the couch for me hermosa,” seeing the confusion in your gaze. Javi tugs you to sit in the corner of the couch, pulling till your almost flat and he crawls between those thick thighs he wants wrapped around his waist.

Sliding back inside of you on a groan, “Still so tight for me princesa I could stay buried in your pretty pussy forever never growing tired of having your surround me.”

“Javi,” heat flares across your body at his words, face buried in your palms. Only to have them pulled and placed on his chest. Shocked yet pleased with his sentiments, the way he growls out the words setting off tingles dancing down your spine.

Gasping when he pulls out resting just the tip before surging back angling to hit that little spot only he’s managed to discover inside you. Right leg draped over his hip left dangling off the couch as your hands scrap and grope at his shoulders. Strong arms press on either side of you holding himself up while rocking his hips into yours. Setting a fast and hard pace that has you gasping, moans of incoherent words tumble from your mouth that hangs open trying to gather breath.

Watching with hooded eyes, drinking in the way you look, the passion morphing your features never wanting to let you go. To always see you in the throws of pleasure he delivers to your body. Praying to whoever will listen that you’ll stay. Those thoughts creating a fire inside his body that moves quicker.

Wanting to show you his feelings by repeatedly burying his cock deep inside your throbbing cunt. Loving your soft thick body with his mouth latching onto a breast. Nipping skin and taunt nipples, curling his tongue before biting down and switching to the twin. Feeling your nails score his back and shoulders only driving on his own pleasure.

Needing you to cum first though, Javier slides one hand between your slick bodies to caress your clit with tight circles of pressure. Smirking into your flesh when you gasp and squirm under him. His name breathlessly spoken to the heavens your back arching off the couch. “That’s my girl cum for me amor soak my cock.”

“Javier,” fingers card through his hair pulling his mouth back to yours. Tender and sweet nothing like the previous kisses as you pour your heart out to the man pounding you into the couch. Foreheads rest together, moans dripping from your lips brushing against his trying to hold back to draw out the pleasure. Afraid of the final moment he finds completion and walks out of your life maybe for good this time. “I love you,” unable to stop those three words from tumbling out. Orgasm slamming through your body with the hard thrusts of Javier’s hips. Crying out his name, arching against him breath stuck along with tears in your throat.

Swearing he heard things, Javier’s pace stuttered but his heart pounds quicker. Hips having a mind of their own as his body rushes to completion. Cumming harder than he’s ever in his life, filling your clinching walls with hot stick seed. Strength evaporated from his arms collapsing into your embrace. Burying his face in your neck, hot moist breath fanning out over your skin. Small after shocks roll through both your bodies garnering whimpers and moans from both of you.

Time, unsure of how much passes while you card fingers through his sweat slicked hair. Enjoying this moment, basking in the after glow of your love making while praying it’s not the end.

“Don’t leave,” words whispered into your skin so low there barely caught. Wondering if you’ve heard things your fingers pause watching on stuttering breath as Javier raises his head to stare into your eyes. Wondering if you meant what you said or just caught up in the pleasurable sex and let it out. It’s on the tip of his tongue to ask when you beat him to the punch.

“I… I…” words lost in the jumble of your mind unsure what to say. Fearful your passionate declaration went unheard or worse ignored.

Cupping your cheek surprised to find tears tracking down your cheek, “Don’t leave me Y/N please.”

Searching his bright russet eyes confused till you see what he’s really saying. Realization blooming across your mind your own hand coming up to embrace his cheek. Thumb swiping over the apple, “I’ll speak to Noonan.” Bringing his mouth down to yours for a soft sweet kiss.

“Do you really love me?” Foreheads resting together breath held, his eyes closed tightly fearing the answer.

Shocked he’s asking. Remembering the times you tried to get him to talk about his feelings becoming shut down pushing the conversation away or distracting you with kisses and sex. With the lengthening silence Javier dares to open his eyes catching the soft expression in yours that cracks his frozen heart.

“I wouldn’t say those words if I didn’t mean them Javi you know that,” continuing to brush your fingers over his stubbled jaw. Up into his soft sweaty hair to gently scratch his scalp knowing how much he enjoys when you do. Rewarded with a low purr from the back of his throat. “What happened today baby?”

Fear keeps him quiet for a moment till, “I almost killed a kid.” Lowering his stare to map your skin with his eyes adding the marks he left behind to his memory. Fear returning now that you’ve heard how much of a monster he’s turning into.

“Did you shoot?” There’s no accusations or incrimination, voice softly seeking a way to help sooth the demons you saw when he first arrived.

Carefully pulling from your warm depths and embrace to sit on the edge of the couch face buried in his hands. Missing the whimper at loosing his touch. You grab for the blanket draped over the back to cover yourself in self consciousness. Moving carefully to sit up and lean against his shoulder. Fingers carding through his hair slowly while placing the other around his waist. Waiting till he’s ready to start speaking not wanting to push.

She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love

She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love

Yes I need her in the daytime

Yes I need her in the night

Yes I want to throw my arms around her

Kiss her hug her kiss her hug her tight

Welcoming warmth enveloping his body that cleaves into you. Baritone rough with emotions, “No I couldn’t pull the tigger, didn’t want to shoot some kid who’s stupidly following the orders of a man who doesn’t care about him.”

“Listen to me Javi you’re not Escobar you’ll never have that narcissistic attitude.” Turning his face to look at you, brushing the stubble with your fingertips. “Yes you’ve done some questionable things for good reasons to take down this asshole who would gladly see all of Columbia burn just to get and keep what he wants.” Leaning in to brush your nose against his, “I couldn’t love a man who killed people for kicks Javier. That’s not what you do. You save people, protect them as best you can.”

Unworthiness filtering through his thoughts never expecting to find someone who loved him faults and all. Intertwining his fingers with the hand previously on his cheek bring the back to his lips to place a kiss. “I don’t deserve you hermosa,” swallowing harshly letting your hand go to stand. Unconcerned with his nakedness Javier stretches popping his back then looking down at you.

Worry etched in those beloved eyes that stare unblinkingly at the spot he just vacated. “Leaving now?” Biting off the words tears clouding your vision mistaking his declaration as rejection pulling the blanket tighter around your plush body.

Forefinger and thumb pinching the end of your soft chin raising your gaze to meet his, “Why would I leave when everything I want and love rests with you.”

“Javier?” Voice wobbling with unshed tears.

Pulling the blanket from your body taking in the curves and dips, the softness he’s itching to get his hands back on. But right now Javier brings the nearest hand to his lips, brushing the knuckles with his mouth mustache tickling your skin. Keeping your eyes locked as he tugs you up into his arms. “I’m serious Y/N I don’t deserve you but without you I’m a shell of a man,” bringing his free hand up to cup your cheek deep russet eyes burning with love staring into yours.

“What are you saying?” Fear coating the words, afraid it’s all a dream and you’ll wake without Javier beside you.

Drawing your mouth closer, strong arm wrapping around your thick waist, “I’m saying I love you Y/N and if you’ll have me I’m yours till you kick me out for driving you crazy.”

“You already do that Javi,” watery giggles escaping your lips that brush his twice. Reaching up to card fingers through the soft strands at the back of his head tugging just a little harder than normal. “Say it again.”

Grunting at the tugs sliding a hand down to cup a generous bare ass cheek to give a squeeze. “Drive you crazy.”

Just barely holding in the squeak, “No,” eyes rolling at his cheek. “You know what I mean Javier Peña.”

“I do,” slotting his mouth against yours stealing the breath from your lungs as he kisses you with a passion never felt before. Barely breaking to mumble those three simple words into your lips, “I love you.” Getting lost in your kiss while silently vowing to never let you go or break your heart.

And when I'm returning from so far away

She gives me some sweet lovin' brighten up my day

Yes it makes me righteous, yes it makes me feel whole

Yes it makes me mellow down in to my soul

[lizacstuff]

Your thoughts on the first episode of the new season? And can we talk about all those parallels? Also I'm loving the summer vibes!

I'm LIVING for the summer vibes! Doesn't everything feel like a breath of fresh air? I definitely feel like new life has been injected into the series. And that new location is so beautiful, I LOVE IT.

As for the episode, I thought it was masterfully done. You could tell Ayse was back and bringing the perfect mix of comedy, romance and drama. And the sparkle! The show sparkles again. The almost two and half hours flew buy, I was on the edge of my seat, and the performances from Hande and Kerem were amazing. Plus I just adore every moment between Serkan and his new nemesis (aka his secret daughter).

On the sober side, I don't care how jerky Serkan got while battling cancer, or how he may have pushed her away, nothing they've shown us so far even begins to justify Eda not telling him about Kiraz, and it certainly doesn't justify her continuing to lie when he's standing right in front of her making overtures (and her daughter is clearly longing for her father). Obviously, there are still many things we don't know and I'm sure there are many flashbacks to come, and Eda has been though so much, but still...I don't see how they will thread that needle and have Eda come out unscathed.

That being said, with this first episode they executed this story so well and it really does give new life to the series, so I won't dwell on the fact that Eda never would have done this. Never. We just have to move past it, accept that it's a soap opera plot device designed to give us an amazing second season packed with all sorts of amazing scenes and just enjoy every minute while it lasts.

(More under the cut)

I'll get to more on Edser later, as for everyone else... silliness abounds.

First... Erdem cheated on Leyla? WHAT!?!?! With whom? But I guess that was a clean way to explain Leyla leaving.

Engin and Piril, I love that Engin is staying home with their son, and that young actor is a cutie! As for Piril... GRRRRRR... she is still on my shitlist. Last time it was for betraying Eda (and Serkan) by enabling Selin's reign of terror, this time it's by betraying her friend and business partner Serkan! Good grief. If Piril just found out recently at the start of this project I could accept on her holding off because it's not her secret to run off and tell, but what I can't accept is her actively working against Serkan finding out. Even if in this episode she had gently said to Eda... "do you think maybe it's time you told him?" it would be a lot easier to swallow... but nope! She's acting like it would be the end of the world if Serkan found out. I sincerely hope that when everyone finds out and Engin finds out Piril knew, it causes problems between them. She deserves that.

She remains my second least favorite character. Who was my least favorite character this episode? Oh you know! Awful Ayfer is back! We got a reprieve from her in the last arc, but she's back to her annoying, controlling, Serkan-hating ways. Eda is a mother, an international award-winning landscape architect and business owner and she still has to lie to Ayfer because she's such a pain-in-the-ass? Watching her is going to be a trial.

Even though it feels like both Aydan and Ayfer were reset to zero character development, and Aydan has done worse (keeping the fact that Serkan was alive from Eda) I still find her a much easier character to take. Probably because Neslihan is a much better comedic actress, so she's a lot more entertaining. But... Aydan's been with Kemal for 5 years and hasn't told Serkan? WHY? I can't believe Kemal didn't give her an ultimatum years ago. I was loving, however, Serkan being in the way for both Aydan/Kemal and Engin/Piril. GOOD. Those people caused problems for him at one point or another or were in the way, it was nice to see him return the favor. I like Kemal and am still hoping they'll do a parallel "not knowing your father thing" and reveal he's Serkan's bio dad while Serkan is finding out he had a child he never knew about.

Melo and Seyfi were their awesome supportive, funny selves. It was great to see both of them, I'm so glad they stayed.

As for the new characters, love the kids. The new hotel manager is apparently ditzy and starstruck over Serkan, and I don't really understand how she's going to be integrated into the cast, but I love that she was used as a device to show us that Serkan has zero interest in any woman who is not Eda Yildiz. Eda's assistant seems like he'll be a fine side character. As for Burak, he seems harmless, obviously he has feeling for Eda that she does not reciprocate (fuck off Ayfer trying to push her on him) but hopefully they don't make him a psycho like Deniz. I did think he was a bit out of line to Serkan. Isn't that his cafe? And a customer has his glass spilled by a child in his care, and he insults him instead of apologizing? That is the worst customer service I've ever seen! He's a character that could wear on me quickly, we shall see. Kiraz can't help but be sassy because of genetics, but some of the adults in her life seem to be modeling rude behavior!

Now on to Eda and Serkan, I can't say enough about Hande and Kerem's acting in this episode. Phenomenal! They were both brilliant. Plus both are doing a great job working off of Maya (especially Kerem) those scenes were priceless. I don't often enjoy kids on shows, but so far I'm loving this dynamic.

As for Edser, while we don't know everything yet it feels like Serkan got to a point where he couldn't stand to see Eda in pain and putting her life on hold, he outright mentioned that she might not have graduated if they'd stayed together, and so that was part of the reason he reverted to his robot self and pushed her away. I'm going to guess she tried and tried and he was just unyielding. Saying he didn't want to get married or have kids in the harshest way possible. Perhaps even she went to tell him that she was pregnant and he went off on not wanting kids before she could even tell him. Time will tell.

At this juncture, my best guess is Eda's fear is rooted in rejection. It can't be that she thinks Serkan is a terrible person that doesn't deserve to know his child, or would be detrimental to Kiraz. However, she knows what it feels like to be rejected by Serkan, I'm sure she was beyond devastated, so I'm guessing now she's bent on protecting her daughter from feeling that same rejection. She fears if he found out, but wanted nothing to do with her, it would feel worse than him not knowing. She's not thinking clearly and perhaps it hasn't even occurred to her that the man she fell in love with is still under there and that man is fully capable of opening his heart wide to their child.

The fact that this child, a stranger to him, already has him wrapped around her little finger to the tune of being late to meetings while he waits for her to pick berries, speaks volumes.

The lies that Eda is telling Kiraz though... there is a fairy tale poetry to Eda saying her father is among the stars... but there was no way this would ever end well. Such a bad idea. Eda.... has made mistakes.

As for Eda and Serkan, their reunion was so bitter sweet. The way Serkan was sure he was hallucinating her and couldn't believe she was real, speaks to the fact that his thinking he saw her that morning was not an anomaly. It must happen all the time. She's never left his thoughts in 5 years. Especially since Engin makes it clear that women throw themselves at Serkan all the time, and he never bites. That's a lot of years celebrate, pining after a love he lost through his own actions. Though it's not that surprising that he didn't pursue other women, as he's never been a character who was motivated by sex. Which makes it hilarious that during his presentation that's where his mind was at, remembering their intimate times together. Serkan Bolat is an Edasexual.

Serkan seemed to want to brush past what happened between them, how they ended, but from Eda's pain, it's clear it was gut-wrenching and tragic and that's something he's going to need to recon with in the coming episodes. But how refreshing that they actually talked! That Eda actually expressed her pain to him! Wowza, that's a change from recent episodes when they didn't even have a proper conversation after he got his memory back.

The flashback scenes were a combination of pure brilliance and pain. Just rip out my heart why don't you. Serkan's angry reactions seem very believable for someone suffering what he was going through. I think it's typical to lash out at the person closest to you. And their fear and pain, their commitment to getting him better and seeing it through... those scenes were made all the more heartbreaking knowing that they didn't make it out the other side intact.

On a lighter note, I loved how even despite their intention and best efforts to remain closed off to one another, and away from one another, they couldn't. Physically, Serkan couldn't stay away, and every time Eda was in his presence you saw her resolve slip and her start to feel that old pull towards him. The fact that Eda thinks there's any way to keep this secret and get rid of him, she must just be in full panic mode and not thinking clearly. She's never going to shake him.

Thank goodness Serkan came back and actually issued a sincere apology for what he said at coffee. He definitely owed her one, but what was extraordinary is that it showed that the growth he went through when they were together didn't regress. He was able to apologize and explain that he was angry and hurt and that's why it happened. If you remember from the first time around, saying sorry was something he was just unable to do, so this felt big to me. He's not the same robot Bolat, she left an indelible mark on him.

As for him making her present her proposal, it's really not out-of-line for the professional relationship, however, we all know he did it just so he had an excuse to be around her. That man will take any excuse, plus he likes to get a rise out of her.

The dinner scene was breathtaking. How beautiful and achingly romantic was that setting? Wowza. And what a roller coaster of emotion those scenes were. It was great to watch them talk and laugh. Who didn't swoon when he deveined her shrimp and when she gave him fries? But we had to know it wouldn't last. Eda's speech had me breathless. Serkan had that coming, it hurt but it had to happen. What a relief to see them get things out in the open. Now I hope we get to see them really talk about what happened and why. Explain yourself Serkan!

As for the next episode, I was so hopeful that the Kiraz secret would be out after the final scene, but the first fragman makes it look like that's not going to happen, at least not at the start of the episode. My fear is that if Eda outright lies to him that just makes everything worse. The longer she keeps it from him, when they're back in each other's orbits and it's clear he's not running away, it makes her more and more at fault.

In any case, it looks like we're in for some fabulous scene so I look forward to the second episode!

[chaoticallysapphic]

the great trial part five

summary: This was meant to be the easy part. The part filled with brightness and love. The war was over and you had the love of your life all to yourself. No more Baatar, no more secrecy and no more lies. But with the calm comes the realization as all the adrenaline finally leaves you. Now you know, this is the hard part.

a/n: Y’know I was reading part one yesterday and already our girls have come so far like they are still dysfunctional but it’s a lot healthier than before, especially if you read part one of tgd and than the latest part of tgt. We love to see growth. Thank you at @medeliadracon​ and @ladyxffandoms​ !

word count: 4k

The next few days are tense, at night you don’t put the barriers back up which Kuvira feared would happen, but you don’t make any move to hold her like you used to. You're stiff as a board until you fall asleep where your unconscious body seems to relax and you roll over to cuddle against her. You continue with the eye contact in the morning like always but you can’t get seem to get past fifteen seconds.

It’s unbearably quiet during the day, you’ve caved back into yourself to try and protect what little bit of your heart you have left. Kuvira doesn’t know but when you close your eyes that awful image reappears in your mind. That anger that still simmers within you wants to lash out again and push her away but you’ve worked so hard to get where you are that you rein it in and force yourself not to snap. 

It’s on the third day during breakfast that Kuvira suggests something, hoping it may help. 

“I think we should do the first exercise on Dr. Hanika’s list,” she says, her voice quiet and hesitant. You’ve been mostly silent, only talking when you need to and Kuvira’s respected that. She wants this to get better, not for the sex but because it broke her heart listening to you cry in the bathroom the other night. That face you made before you left the bedroom will forever be ingrained in her mind. 

“I don’t know…” You rack your brain as you try to remember what number one was. When you finally settle on it you're filled with an uneasy feeling pooling in your gut. 

Talk about your fears, be open, and accepting of what your partner has to say.

“Please Y/n, I think it’ll be good for us.” These past couple of months she’s used that word more than she ever has. The old Kuvira, the one who didn’t feel your blood on her hands, that didn’t think what she was doing was wrong, that felt no remorse would not believe her eyes if she saw what she is now. 

She admitted her mistakes in Republic City in front of the court, helped the Avatar take down what used to be her men, apologized to Baatar, and spends her days trying to atone for what she’s done to you. Out of all the things she regrets, hurting you is at the top of that list. 

You bite your lip before shakily nodding. You don’t want to hurt her but the fears you have are brutal and it feels like they’re killing you at times. Knowing what it feels like to be on death's door gives you the chance to know first hand how bad it truly is. And honestly, these images of another great betrayal hurt just as badly. 

“Uhm…” You wet your lips, you're so tense and you struggle to find the words. What do you fear? Lots of things, you fear Tigerdillos and Bolin five days without showering (it only happened once but the stench could have taken out an army). 

You fear she’ll leave you once her two years are up. Or better yet, she’ll keep you around like she did before but turn him into her little secret. You fear that once the anklet comes off, Kuvira will revert to her old self, and with time and self-reflection you’ve realized that the old Kuvira isn’t good for you. You fear that if she does turn into her old self, you won’t be strong enough to leave.

“I can start?” Her tone is soft, she never used to talk so calmly. Even in her softer moments, there was still that edge, but now it’s replaced with this hesitant nature. You can feel the sincerity in her words now, there’s no second-guessing her like before. You nod again. 

“I fear that you’ll never trust me again,” she slowly reaches across the table to thread her fingers through yours. You gulp, that’s the most touching you two have done since that night. “I understand why you don’t, but I fear that we’ll never reach a healthy place, one where we don’t need weekly sessions with Dr. Hanika.” 

“I...” Kuvira sighs, her shoulders slumping. “I fear I’ll never be what you need and that soon enough you’ll leave me because of it.” 

Your eyes widen at her words, on instinct you want to soothe her and tell her everything is going to be alright. You want to hold her like before and ease her fears like you used to do during her raging moments. You have to hold yourself back to keep from doing that. Lying to her won’t do either of you any good. 

She waits for you to reply, the clock ticks by as you struggle to find the words. As the second's tick by Kuvira feels panic swell inside of her. She doesn’t like being vulnerable or open, she’s gotten better at it but still hates the exposed feeling it comes with. 

Your mouth suddenly feels dry, you use your free hand to pick up your glass of water and take a sip. Her eyes follow your movements, and she has to look away when you place the glass back down, her mind wanting to focus on your lips. In the past, she could ease her fears with physical activities. She could pull you into a breathtaking kiss that did all the talking for her and feel ten times better afterward. 

“I understand your feelings,” you think of your sessions with Dr. Hanika. Of the exercises, she gave you months ago about how to healthily speak to your partner. “And I can’t make any promises because I don’t know what the future holds but… I know that it might seem small, but we’ve made progress.” 

You give her hand a gentle squeeze. “I couldn’t stand the idea of touching you again last summer, but we’ve worked through that, we’re talking again too. It’s slow but it’s progress and I think if we keep trying and accept her guidance we can reach a much better place than what we used to have.” 

She lets out a shaky breath, “You think so?” You nod, and you see some of that tension in her wash away. You know it’s your turn now and you’d rather go hide under the covers than talk about your fears. But Kuvira talked about hers and you know that took a lot of effort and courage on her part.

“I guess I’m afraid that once you're given your freedom back you won’t want me and all the effort that comes with loving me, and you’ll go back to him because I know the two of you were friends growing up.” 

Baatar was the only one out of Suyin’s kids to care for her. Huan was never mean, he just pretended she didn’t exist and, no matter how hard Kuvira tried to rein in her temper at times (which she never did a very good job at), Opal hated her guts. With the arrival of Wing and Wei Suyin’s time was spread thin, and suddenly she wasn’t able to give Kuvira the attention she needed anymore. 

So maybe she lashed out at the twins a lot growing up, and she knows now that she was wrong. But Kuvira craved love and attention despite not showing it, she desired it more than anything. It’s why she latched onto you after meeting, why she pressured you into following her around the earth kingdom. 

Baatar was her temporary fix until you came along, they weren’t very close, but they were friends. She knew he was infatuated with her and it always weirded her out quite a bit but that long-lived infatuation of his helped her in the long run. 

But it also cursed her in a way, she got what she wanted out of him but at the price of your happiness and trust. If she hadn’t used him you guys would be fine, you could kiss her for more than a few minutes and finally say those three words she craved. You haven’t said them in so long.

“And I’m afraid of being hurt again, I was always on edge and ready to cry back then. I know now that’s not healthy and I fear that if you revert to your old self, I’ll let you walk all over me again…” 

Spirits, your words sting, it’s like a stab at the heart, and Kuvira can’t help but flinch at them. To be honest, a part of her does fear that one day it’ll all be too much, and she’ll explode. That she’ll exhaust all of Dr. Hanika’s suggested coping mechanisms and bite back with enough malice to put the old her to shame. 

She’s trying to undo her whole life, to be honest, she’s been this aggressive, arrogant woman with a temper the size of Ba Sing Se since she was a little girl. Her father thought Suyin could get her to change and for a while, it seemed like her tendencies were subdued a bit once she joined the guard. 

But she could still snap, still blow up and put someone in their place just for breathing wrong on her bad days. On the train, with the stress of the Empire on her shoulders, Kuvira turned into the old her without even realizing it. She used to hold herself back, and she did a decent job at it but it’s not enough now. She needs to be better than ever, for you. 

“I, like you, can’t make any promises, but I am really trying Y/n.” 

“I know you are.” 

“I want this, I want us to be happy and I want you to one day know that I am not leaving you. I won’t even so much as touch another person because you’re all I want.” She pulls your hand up and slowly places a kiss on your knuckles. 

“I love you, and I know I hurt you but I want to make this right. When you were-” Kuvira’s eyes begin to water at the thought, “When you were bleeding out it put things into perspective for me. It showed me what’s really important and you are what’s important to me. Not power or immense control or adoration from my followers, just you.”

Tears well up in your gorgeous eyes, making them glisten like freshly polished glass. You gently pull your hand away from hers to wipe at them, you feel like you should say it back. But you're not ready to open your heart back up, it’s still healing from the damage dealt by none other than your lover.

“I can’t get it out of my head,” you whisper. Baatar’s cruel words he spat out in his jail cell still come back to haunt you at times and those images seem to have staked a claim in your mind for life. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust you around him, even if I begin to trust you the second he’s near it’ll all fall apart.” 

“Then I’ll steer clear of him, I can happily live in a Baatar free world.” 

“I shouldn’t have to make you cut someone out of your life,” your tone is laced with annoyance as you place your head in your hands. “You should be able to reconnect with the family that raised you without causing me to panic about my place in your life.” 

Kuvira realizes then that she never told you about talking to Baatar during her temporary leave. She didn’t mean to not tell you, it just never came up. Honestly, you didn’t ask any questions about it, you were just happy she was home safe. 

“I should tell you,” Kuvira begins, her heart racing, “that when I was helping Korra I had to work with Baatar.”  

Your eyes widen at her words, head still in your hands your whole body freezes as you try to process her words. You try to think back to anytime she might have mentioned that trip and then you remember finding out about her being in Zaofu a few days before her return. She never came back for those few days, never sent someone to check in on you. 

“Nothing happened.” You still don’t respond to her words, verbally or physically. “I needed his help to create a device for Korra… Y/n?” 

“Did you know she fucked me? Multiple times.”

“Did you know she moaned my name as I drove into her?” 

She reaches forward to touch your arm, to try to bring you back down to earth. You yank away from her, your head shooting up to look at her with a look of pure outrage. Your walls are beginning to slam back into place and everything Dr. Hanika told you begins to burn away. 

You push your chair back, making a beeline for the bedroom. You hear the skidding of a chair behind you before Kuvira grabs your forearm. Her grip isn’t bruising but you know no matter how hard you try you won’t be able to rip her handoff. 

“Don’t shut me out.” Her voice drips with desperation as she gently tugs you to face her. “You can’t keep shutting me out like this.” 

“Why not?! You did it to me for three years!” 

“Yeah, and we’re in therapy because of it!” 

“You know how I feel about him, you know it and you still saw him? You kept all this from me for what? Because the only reason I can think of is you fucking him again!”

“I didn’t sleep with him,” she looks so hurt, but you can’t help all of your insecurities that just keep intensifying. “We had to work on a project together to help Asami. I apologized to him and told him I love you, please Y/n.” 

“Then why didn’t you tell me?” Your brain convinces you she’s lying, she has to be. But she never lied in the past about sleeping with him, she was way too open about it. But now is different, now you’ll leave. 

“It honestly slipped my mind. I was just happy that you were talking to me again. We never talked about that trip and suddenly you were touching me again and I-I could only think about making you happy.” 

“I’ve loved her since I was thirteen years old.” 

“He wouldn’t just let you go, I can’t believe that he just backed down and accepted that you weren’t his anymore.” He would kill for her, you're pretty sure he did. Baatar was many things, and stubborn was definitely one of them. 

“I won’t lie and tell you he didn’t try something but I shot him down and made sure he knew we were strictly working together.” Her hands slide up to cradle your face, you debate pushing her away and locking yourself in the darkness of your room to brood. It seems so appealing. 

“I learned my lesson Y/n, I know I fucked up big time and I just want to make it right. You have to believe me.” She pulls you closer until your foreheads are touching and sighs, “we can’t keep going in circles.” 

You know you can’t, sooner or later you’ll have to either fully put in the effort to learn to trust her or finally leave. Both ideas terrify you, you don’t want to lose her but you also don’t want to open back up. Being with her all those years felt like having your heart chained up, anytime you tried to be, well you, the chains tightened, and that suffocating feeling became more intense. 

Her thumbs gently brush over your cheekbones as she patiently waits for a reply. You don’t know what to do or what to believe, the gnarled, rotten part within you screams at you that she’s lying. But the part of you that’s hopeful, that still loves Kuvira and wants a future, begs you to believe her. It’s a waging war within and you don’t know which side you want to win. 

“Do you still love me?” You’ve taken too long to reply. Kuvira’s worries are beginning to intensify. She knows she should wait and give you time, but she can’t keep doing this whilst in the dark about your feelings. She, if anything, loves you more than ever. 

Kuvira had never seen this domestic side of you, the gentle care you pour into your plants and Lily makes her dream of a future child with you. You hum when reading which she doesn’t think you know, and she won’t tell you because she loves it. Without the fear of being caught, she can hold you until mid-morning when you finally wake up. She gets to watch you peacefully sleep for a while, hear you murmur an unintelligible word or two as you snuggle up close. 

On the train Kuvira held herself back to an extent, she forced herself to focus on uniting the Earth Empire which meant putting you on the back burner more often than not. But now all that’s left is you and fuck does she love it. 

“I…” You begin, the words are stuck in your throat, they feel sharp and painful. You know what to say, you know you need to tell her the truth. If you shy away now you won’t be the one walking out that door, it’ll be her. “Yes.” 

You settle on that, yes is easier to swallow. Those three words seem monumental and you aren’t there yet. You do still love her, but to say it out loud makes you vulnerable, it means taking off the metal armor you’ve bent around your heart.

Kuvira tries not to show her disappointment at your response, she knows she should be happy with what she’s been given. But it’s almost been a year and part of her is becoming desperate. She took your love for granted back then. You used to tell her every night before you drifted off to sleep how much you loved her. She sucks it up and accepts what little you can offer. 

“Then don’t shut me out again.” 

“Okay.” 

      4. Have a calm conversation where you ask each other questions. 

Three weeks later and now you can make it to 33 seconds. Despite feeling a bit better due to it, you know not to push the boundaries like last time and continue to keep sex off the table. You continue to compliment one another and Kuvira starts to regularly say ‘I love you,’ again. You always just smile as a reply and nod. It hurts but she’ll take it. 

It still takes a while to work back up to before, she knows to hold herself back as you hesitantly brush your fingers against hers or hug her for only a few seconds. At the end of week two, it gets a bit easier for you. During your last couples session, you both talked more in-depth about your mistake. You owned up to being the instigator and the cause of it, just wanting to feel normal again. 

Dr. Hanika has you begin journaling your thoughts and feelings to help keep you check but also to make sure nothing bottles up. It’s almost embarrassing when she gently reminds you of the work you’d both put in to not shut yourself out again, but she doesn’t scold you or anything, simply tells you it’s okay to mess up but to keep trying. 

You both casually compliment one another throughout the day and at night you’ve gone back to snuggling up close whilst still awake. It’s in the evening as the both of you are laying down for the night the silence calming as she pulls you closer. 

“Are you sleepy?” You ask, Kuvira shakes her head as she places a soft kiss at the top of yours. Your insides flutter at her actions and sigh, “I’m not either.” 

Before, if neither of you were tired you’d claw away each other's clothes and devour each other until the point of exhaustion. But that was before and this is now, so a new solution, one that involves keeping your clothes on needs to be created. 

“We could… Talk?” 

“What about?” you look up, your noses almost touching as you raise a brow. Kuvira has to use every ounce of self-restraint she has to keep from kissing you. It’d be easy, you're close.

“Well we could ask each other stuff, there’s bound to be a lot of things we still don’t know about one another.” You smile at Kuvira’s words and nod. You guys talked back on the train and got to know each other but for the most part, your relationship was physical. There was a lot she probably didn’t know. 

You twist your body around so your chin is resting on her chest so you can easily look at her, one of your legs tangles with hers. You decide to be brave and gently reach a hand up to run your fingers through her hair. Kuvira’s eyes squeeze shut at the action as she leans into your hand, this level of affection from you makes her want to cry. Just a few months ago you couldn’t even look into her eyes. 

You twirl a strand around your finger before asking “what did you wanna be when you were little?” 

“Like career-wise?” You hum in response and Kuvira sighs as she tries to think of it. She tried to push anything before sixteen out of her mind most of the time. “It’s embarrassing.” 

“C’mon! I wanna know,” you grin at the slight flush to her face. She’s never embarrassed, always so sure of herself and her actions. “Please, for me?” 

She hates that you know that’ll work. You’ve got her wrapped around your finger, and she’s not even sure if you're all too aware of how far she’d go for you. 

“I wanted to be a pro bender…” You lean up a bit at her words, your face softening. 

“You still could, you're the best earth bender I’ve ever seen.” Kuvira rolls her eyes at your words, to be a pro bender involves being likable. No one would want her on their team or cheer for her. “Kuvira, once our house arrest is over we can start over and do whatever we wanna do.” 

“What do you want to do, once yours is up?” You know she’s deflecting but decide to drop it, for now. 

“I wanna take dance lessons again if Suyin will let me.” 

“I worked everything out with her. Besides, you broke her family out, so I don’t see why she’d have a grudge against you,” she hesitantly lifts one of her hands and softly trails her fingertips up your arm. You let out a soft sigh as she brings it up to cup your cheek. “You were a great dancer back then.” 

You chuckle at her words, not believing any bit of it. “I was not, I kept messing up and falling over.” Especially during your private practices with Kuvira, focusing on anything that wasn’t her proved to be impossible. 

You’d always zone out as you watched her braid swish back and forth with her movements. More than once did she have to guide you through the motions with her hands on your hips. You definitely couldn’t focus then. 

“For a newbie, you did amazing, much better than I did my first few months.” You know she’s just being nice. Kuvira spent most of her younger teenage years training to one day be a guard and such a job requires coordination, so she must have been amazing at dancing from the beginning. You can’t imagine her being bad. 

“You humor me too much,” you say, your tone light and happy. Right now all the bad moments are at the very back of your mind as you lay in this rare state with Kuvira. 

“I’m not lying!” 

“You are! I vividly remember stepping on your toes at least twice.” 

“Well I said for a newbie you did amazing not that you perfected it the second you walked into the room.” You both quietly laugh at that, at some point you stopped twirling her hair but instead just gently held the piece between your two fingers. As your laughter settles down, Kuvira gently rubs her thumb across your cheekbone and asks “What did you wanna be? When you were little.” 

“Oh, just like my mom,” you bite your lip to try and stop from grinning.  

“Really?” 

“Yea, I used to wear her helmet around the house all the time and got so excited when I found out I was an earth bender. But then I got older and realized all the job entailed.” Kuvira tries to picture a mini you racing down the halls of your home with an oversized metal helmet on, it most likely bounced on your shoulders as you ran. She determines she likes that image quite a lot. “I was never cut out for fighting, I definitely inherited my dad's pacifist nature.”

“Do your parents have any pictures of you growing up?” Kuvira knows they do, she remembers the one hung up in the hallway and how there were a dozen others just like it. 

“Yeah, my dad never seemed to put down the camera. Especially after my mom made Lieutenant because she wasn’t home as often, so he tried to take extra photos for her.” 

Kuvira’s hand that was once on your cheek travels down to your waist where it finds a home. You lean your cheek against her chest, never breaking eye contact. “Is there… any photos of you when you were younger?” 

She won’t have anything before Zaofu. Her parents left her with a sack of clothes and a few toys before ditching her to have a stress-free life. But Suyin must have a few photos of her tucked away somewhere. 

“I don’t know. I wouldn’t be surprised if Suyin destroyed them after I left.” You find that hard to believe. You might not be a massive fan of her after she tried to assassinate Kuvira but a part of you knows she’s kept at least one.

“Well… I guess we’ll just have to take a bunch of new ones. Y’know I think my dad has some photos of us from Winter Solstice.” Tiredness slowly creeps into your features, instead of bidding her goodnight you continue. “Are you really happy, Kuvira?” 

Last year it seemed the only way for her to be truly happy was to conquer the Earth Kingdom. Nothing satisfied her for long but the power she possessed always left this triumphant glint in her eyes. Now she cooks meals for the both of you and quietly draws during the day. Sometimes the both of you dance after dinner and others you simply cuddle on the couch with Lily laying at your feet. It’s nothing like her old life. 

The hand resting on your hip slides up to cup your other cheek, your face is gently cradled between her hands. She doesn’t know how to properly word how happy she is. Kuvira used to think to be happy she had to be at the top. 

Control was a necessary element in her life and for the longest time, she thought she’d simply perish without it. But circumstances change, events mold people into something new, and she knows if the old her saw her now she’d laugh. Old, arrogant Kuvira would think this all a lie and carry on with her life, that chip embedded on her shoulder. 

She wonders what would have happened if she had gone after Republic City. Would she have won? Would you have found it in yourself to stomach the sight of her? She knows the answer to the last question, remembering the face you made the day she told you of the final act in her plan. 

But now she can simply breathe with you and lay with you. There’s no pressure to be anything but herself, no need to appear strong at every given moment. There are things she misses about the outside world, but your company helps her forget about them all. 

“I think, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been,” is all she manages to say. But it’s enough for you judging by the loving grin you give in return. 

[sakuratragedy]

Emperor’s Consort | Chapter 1

Fandom: Genshin Impact Pairing: Zhongli / Childe, #Zhongchi Tags: R18, A/B/O Dynamics, Royalty AU Summary: aka "Emperor's consort doesn't know the difference between being a concubine and being a consort" Tsaritsa wants her child to have a good life after serving her on the battlefield for so long, so she makes a deal with an old friend. In exchange for her military might, he will marry her son. Childe who has no formal omega training has to do his best to cover up the fact he has no idea what he's doing. Do your best to be a good omega Childe!

“If we are the last two left, I’ll give up and let you be the Tsar.”

“‘That is only if we are the last two standing. We need to think of who to take down first.”

She had her back against the wall, listening to her brothers through the slightly open door as they sharpened their weapons while whispering quietly amongst themselves. The sound of blade being polished against whetstone echoed through the room.

“Yelena’s strike is the fiercest. She should be dealt with first.” she hears her brothers when the blade lifts from the stone before another sharp sound is heard.

The succession rites to become the next Tsar hosted by her father started tomorrow. The Tsar was an old and terrible tyrant, taking eight wives and will be making his children slaughter each other for the sake of tradition. She hated him and his rancid smell, the same stench he used to command his court by exerting his alpha pheromones and bringing them to their knees. She especially hated when he would use her mother as a means to torment her. She would feel the spikes of rage and the flash of red in her vision when he would threaten to humiliate her mother in front of the court to get her to do what he wanted.

The succession rite was a chance to change all that. She could fix decades of ugly rituals, dismantle the corruption and burn it to the ground, raising a new court from its ashes. She'll get rid of the corruption with her own two hands.

If she survives the succession rite as the true heir.

First, she had to survive the night. She moved away from the wall, making sure her footsteps were light so her brothers would not hear her.

-

The dawn came quickly with few casualties. Two of her eight siblings were missing during the morning ceremony. It was right to assume her other siblings had started early by eliminating some competition before the rites. They were surrounded by spectators from the court, their mothers cry and sob as their children were cut down and their father, watching them with a smirk on his face.

She was fast, she had to be to survive the slaughter. While her brothers and sisters were stronger, she was swift to cut deep and fast at their necks before avoiding the rest of the fight.

As she held her dagger to her dear older brother’s neck, his words echoed through her ears.

“Yelena’s strike is the fiercest.”  

She hesitated for a split second when he smiled at her and closed his eyes, giving up the fight and giving in to his death.

“I’ll give up and let you be the Tsar.”

Perhaps he knew that she was there that night. She frowned. She swore for her brothers and for her mother that this ugly methods of succession would die along with them. She landed a swift killing strike to make his death painless before a booming laughter filled the court. Yelena got off her brother's corpse and turned to face her father behind her.

“Who would have thought.” she turned to her father, who had a smirk on his face, overlooking his five dead children and his sole heir bathed in the blood of her beloved.

“My littlest won the succession rites all on her own. It is as true as the court says,” her scowl deepens at his show of pride. “You do have my good traits.”

-

That night she killed the tyrant that was her father.

-

It had been 40 years since she was 15 and living the nightmares of her succession rites. The ghosts follow her as she burns away the old world for her new one. One where her children do not have to cry from the heartache of losing their families. For 40 years, she had destroyed her fathers empire and built it back up with her own hands the way that she desired. Everyone in Snezhnaya are her children, as long as they were born in this frosty land of ice and snow they would be cared for by her.

Her children always did say that she loved too much. She loved too hard and that made her soft.

She had never been married, but she had adopted 11 children from different family situations to be her official princes and princesses, her Harbingers as they liked to call themselves when they assisted her in her endeavours. The fights are long and tiresome but after 40 years of fighting for her ideal world she can finally rest peacefully with her family.

Unfortunately, she had spent the last 40 years hardening her 11 children for battlefields and life in shadows, so suddenly wanting to have a loving relationship with her children was less than fruitful. Especially with her older children, which was understandable since Pedrelino and Dottore had been with her longest and since they were young she hadn’t been treating them like children. They were forced to oversee missions from the shadows, travelling Teyvat for her and lengthy battles away from home, so she understands when they couldn’t receive her motherly love very well.

Her younger children however were very welcoming to her attempts at affection.

She sat on her throne, she watched her only daughter approach her along with two fatui skirmishers by her side.

“Your majesty.” La Signora did a low curtsy before her. She nodded and the two skirmishers dismissed themselves, leaving her and her daughter alone together.

“Signora. How was your trip to Mondstadt? I trust you had a wonderful time.”

“It was alright.” she glanced over to the side, making a face the Tsaritsa couldn’t really read, but she could guess that it was distaste. The reason for the distaste was unknown, but according to the intel that reached her ears before Signora did, it could have something to do with that mysterious traveller and that omega bard she had encountered in Mondstadt as she was leaving.

“I’m glad you’re home.” she started before hesitating, clearing her throat behind her fist before shyly admitting. “I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too.” Signora responds shyly, her neck and ears flushing red clearly unused to the outright affection. The red flush made Signora look like a young maiden in the moment, you could have forgotten that she was one of the Tsaritsa’s coldest killers. The Tsaritsa smiled behind her hand at how cute her daughter could look before she decided to move on to other matters.

“Signora, an old friend of mine would like support from our military might regarding a ghost from his past.” she started with a serious voice as she leaned into her throne. Signora’s expression changed immediately to her usual stoic expression as she listened to her mother speak.

“Don’t support him.” she says sternly without hesitation. She understands why her daughter feels that way. A foreigner having control over their old and great military might unsupervised would be an unwise decision for both Snezhnaya and her old friend. While the Tsaritsa knows that her fatui agents have good independent action and work in a team, sending them to a foreign land two weeks away from Snezhnaya without supervision for a friend could turn dangerous.

“He is a dear friend and I owe him a favour.” she continues. “When Pedrelino was very young and I was rebuilding Snezhnaya, he lent me a hand in terms of investigation of the court. I feel the need to return the favour.”

Signora still looked against the action, but Yelena was determined to convince her daughter.

“We both know how I feel for those who have ghosts.”

“Your majesty, I’m stepping out of line when I say this but you love too hard and too deeply. It is my job to make sure you don’t get hurt and by making such a bold decision to send our agents for this person... It is just unreasonable, especially if they are unsupervised.” Signora has her hand on her hips as she borderline lectures the Tsaritsa.

“We could send a Harbinger if supervision is your concern?” Tsaritsa says as she avoids her gaze. She knows her daughter is glaring at her. She hears Signora give in by her sigh and her fingers rubbing at her temple.

“Who is your friend? Let me get Dottore to run a background- ”

“He is the emperor from Liyue.”

“Tartaglia spent a year in Liyue, didn’t he?” Signora said as she thought out loud. Perhaps they could send a portion of their military might if it is under the supervision of their youngest Harbinger.

Then again… it is Tartaglia they’re talking about.

“Yes. Tartaglia is familiar with foreign languages to a certain degree as well, is he not? Perhaps we could send him as a consort?”

“Mother.”

“Yes?”

“Did you say consort.”

“Yes.”

A long silence filled the throne room.

“Your majesty.” she let out another heavy sigh. “Harbingers are not marriageable. Especially Tartaglia.” Signora knows her mother is a kind hearted woman, but attempting to marry off Tartaglia as a favour to the Liyue emperor was mind boggling. Surely, Tartaglia was the only omega of their siblings, but he was still a Harbinger. A nasty, cold hearted killer with blood on his hands.

Not to mention his pheromones that smelled too strong of withered roses, a result from years on the battlefield fighting through his heats by literally fighting enemies, muddying his scent by surrounding himself with bloodshed. No high class alpha let alone an emperor would be in their right mind to want to mate with him.

“Do not say that Signora.” Signora’s posture straightened at the appearance of her stern voice, perhaps automatically out of fear or respect, or something between those lines. Regardless her daughter had reverted back to actively listening rather than roasting her brother.

“Tartaglia has worked hard for years for this country. Nevertheless, he is an omega forced to live like an alpha for years on the battlefield for me. Snezhnaya is entering an era of peace, I would like him to start living like his age.” Signora still looked against the suggestion of sending Tartaglia to be married. She understands that perhaps it would be troublesome for her as well, since they were close in age and she would essentially be losing her closest sibling.  

“I think this would be good for him.”

“Mother… Tartaglia has no formal omega training for a supposedly ‘high class omega’, considering he’s a prince. If the emperor takes a whiff of his scent, he’d be sent back in a crate to Snezhnaya like an animal.”

“There’s no harm in letting Tartaglia try his chances. If he turns out to be the emperor's concubine, it would not be too bad, would it?” she says softly. She watches as Signora’s expression softens as well at her tone.

“Alright. I’ll let Tartaglia know and make the preparations.”

“Thank you Signora.”

-

“Childe! Be reasonable!” Signora yells as she chases her half naked brother through the palace gardens, passing by agents and maids who were forced to avert their gaze in fear of being beheaded for looking at the prince half decent.

“Advert your eyes!” Signora points at the oncoming squadron who were heading in their direction. Their faces turn to all different directions to avoid seeing the prince and princess racing each other through the palace grounds.

“Childe!” she lets out a shrill scream as she continues to chase him.

“No! I’ll never marry! You can’t make me!” he jumps over mother’s marble fence and lands behind an unfortunate fatui agent, making him jump from the scare. It doesn’t phase Childe and he continues running. Signora looked down from where Childe jumped and looked at the heels she was wearing ‘ah… my 500 thousand mora heels...’ and decided against it.

“Don’t treat me like a fucking omega!” he sneers at her. She rolls her eyes. In her vision Childe is nothing more like a hissing kitten.

“News flash genius, you are an omega.” Signora managed to catch up to him and successfully cornered him in his room after a long chase outdoors that lasted approximately two hours and forty five minutes, not that she was counting to spite him later. Her angry pheromones leak and overpower Childe, bringing him to his knees. If he were in his prime state, he would be able to resist her pheromones without flinching, but this version of Childe had taken a short break from the battlefield and has started to enjoy living the life of a spoiled prince.

“I’ll make him kick me out in a week if you keep this up.” Childe gasps with his mouth before pinching his nose, trying not to breathe in too much of her scent.

Signora rolls her eyes at how dramatic her younger sibling is being. In a palace full of boys and her being the sole princess, she lives in a house of stubborn alphas. Somehow, Childe being the only non-alpha had caught their terrible personality traits.

“Get up off the floor we have to start going through basic training now.”

- “Ow!” Childe whines when Signora pushes the dildo into him. His ankle rested on one of her shoulders as she stood at the end of the bed, monitoring how much slick he produced.

“Come on, you’ve got to be better at producing slick than this .” she says with a mixture of disappointment and irritation. Firstly, she had to chase her brother through the gardens and now she was in charge of his training?

Well, she did promise the Tsaritsa that she would handle it. But it doesn’t mean she couldn’t complain about it.

“It’s not my fault. You don’t turn me on.” Childe mutters into his pillow below his head, crossing his arms across his torso. Signora smiles, irritated before pushing the dildo further in harder than she should have. He flinches violently before sitting up.

“Ow!”

“The Tsaritsa wants you to go to Liyue and play nice with the emperor, and you know that whatever mom says goes.” Signora ignores the high pitched whine that Childe makes when she gently pushes the dildo further into his cunt.

“Mom just wants to marry me off to some old geezer. Isn’t the emperor supposed to be a 40 year old man.”

“Don’t call her mom. Refer to her as ‘her majesty’.” “You literally just called her mom.”

Childe feels a knot form on the base of the dildo, expanding uncomfortably against him while hitting all the wrong places that made him uncomfortable. One particularly hard thrust caused him to flinch violently again, arching up against the bed in discomfort.

“Ow, ow, ow! ” He complains as Signora finishes pushing the knot into him.

“You’re such a crybaby. How are you going to withstand those dreadfully long hours of mating when you can’t even handle a fake knot.” she pushes his ankle off her shoulder and they fall limp onto the bed below them. She throws her hair behind her shoulder before moving across the room and sitting on the sofa in his room, lying herself across it as if she’s done some terribly hard task. Childe sits up to look at her, irritated at how dramatic she looks.

“Mom should have gotten you a proper trainer years ago rather than this ridiculous last minute coaching.”

“News flash genius .” Childe bites back at her. “I was away on the battlefield ever since her majesty adopted me as a Harbinger? How long has that been, hmm?” he taps his chin, ignoring the shiver that ran down his spine from feeling so much of the knot against him.

“One? Two? Three years?”

“So you’ve been away for six years. Big deal. All of us travel around for her majesty’s missions.”

“None of you alphas need whatever this ‘formal omega training’ is.” he makes air quotations with his fingers. “Cause none of you are omegas.” he glares at her. He knows she can feel the glare, but it's making him angry how easily she ignores him in favour of closing her eyes and sinking her head into the plush pillow on the sofa.

“Most high ranking omegas from across Teyvat go through formal omega training. It teaches you the basics from how to control your pheromones to the importance of heats and proper mating rituals.”

“I’m not most high ranking omegas, if you haven’t noticed.”

“You’re right.” Childe feels some sort of pride with being agreed with.

“You smell like smelly roses and you’re not soft or cute at all.” He made an unhappy noise at his sister. How typical of her, unable to compliment him at any time. He feels the knot soften inside of him and thinks that it was the perfect opportunity to work the dildo out of him before aiming for his sister's head. The dildo misses Signora by two inches before falling on the other side of the couch.

“Tartaglia!” the shrill scream echoed throughout the palace.

- The day he was sent away, the Tsaritsa and Signora stood out at the front gates to bid Childe goodbye. He kisses her majesty’s knuckles before meeting her eyes.

“I promise I’ll do well.”

The Tsaritsa smiles at him, gentle and motherly while a step further behind her Signora is glaring at him with all her might. The wind blows harshly, little flakes of snow sticking to Childe’s red hair. He smiles mimicking the gentle one she gave him.

“I know you will. Even if he does not choose you to be his mate, as long as you are happy,” she hesitates and bites her lip. She knows that she would be lying if she continued. “I will be happy.” she finishes.

In her heart she is hoping that it does not come down to that and that her old friend would treat her son right, but the possibilities are endless when it comes to Zhongli. If he was similar to her image of him when they were younger, he would still be an unpredictable enigma, coming and doing as he pleases like an outdoor cat. Then again, Tartaglia was a hurricane in a human shaped shell, with the ability to sweep everything in his path off their feet, dragging the air from their lungs with the chaos he’s capable of leaving in his wake.

“Even if you come home, I’ll take you with open arms.” she says softly, unsure if he heard her over the harsh blowing of the Snezhnaya wind. He turns back to look at his mother (and his sister who caught his eye, and looked away) and the palace he could be leaving for the rest of his life before he boards his carriage that would take him to the docks to board his ship to Liyue, this time with no predicted date of his return.

If he would even return. He was unsure.

The carriage left the front gates of the palace, but the Tsaritsa continued to watch until it was out of their sight.

“I wonder if it was a good idea to send Tartaglia.” she puts a gloved hand to her mouth and another on her stomach. “He has no formal omega training. I’m afraid if he were to lose out to any other potential omega the emperor had his eye on.”

‘I literally told you that.’ Signora thinks, but she gives her mother a sympathetic look and places a hand over her shoulder, pulling the Tsaritsa close to her body. Tsaritsa’s eyes widen in surprise as she feels herself being pulled closer to her daughter's body. Signora is taller than her and blankets herself over her mother, sharing their warmth. While she’s proud that her daughter isn’t as afraid of her as she was years ago, she’s still worried about Tartaglia.

“You worry too much, your majesty. He will be fine.” Signora says as she brings a gloved hand to the Tsaritsa’s back and strokes fondly, comforting her.

[fannishcodex]

some more rambling/venting thoughts: Talking it Out Works Better than Turning Your Baby into a Hybrid

Kipo is half human half mute because Lio and Song, who were both completely human at the time, made her that way through experimentation and genetic engineering. Kipo is mixed race because she has a Black father and Korean mother who loved each other. There should be no mixed race metaphor because Kipo was genetically engineered half human half mute due to the scientific experiments of her human parents. There are potential metaphors and commentary for the abuse of science as a shortcut over engaging with others found in the concept of Kipo being genetically engineered to be half human half mute.

Burrow humans seem to regularly hold the belief that they cannot live safely on the surface. Lio and Song started Project Kipo with the goal that their genetically engineered daughter/experiment could make the surface safe for humans. They are of course making huge decisions about their daughter's life and future without her consent and are forcing their ambitions on her before she's even born, but that's not exactly the main thing this time and another meta post.

Years later Kipo makes more progress with mutes not because of her genetically engineered hybrid status, but because she's Kipo. Because of herself. Because of her willingness to communicate, emotionally engage with others and listen to them. Kipo starts making more progress with a number of mutes than anyone else by engaging with them, dealing with communication/negotiation/sympathy/etc. while under the lifelong held belief that she's entirely human and still visibly appearing human. Kipo herself even remarks that all her life she's been told the surface is a horrible, dangerous place--and Kipo does learn it's threatening, but she also learns about the wonders of it too, and generally moves past her fears and the prejudices the Clover Burrow tried to teach her when she engages with the likes of the Timber Cats, Umlaut snakes, and Jamack, and finds their better sides or encourage them to start changing. Kipo continues to make more progress with mutes by continuing to do the work of engaging and communicating with them. Kipo's artificial hybrid status as half human half mute doesn't often play a huge factor in true engagement with mutes, other than some practical uses that still often support a broader effort to emotionally engage with others, and sometimes also are in response to the long-reaching consequences of her parents' actions; and again, her genetically engineered mega mute--not just mute, but mega mute--apex predator traits are volatile, threatening herself and others. What ends up mattering more to mutes and progress with them are Kipo's actual efforts to reach out to them as fellow sentient individuals with their own feelings. Lio and Song did not show signs of actually wanting to reach out to mutes when creating Project Kipo. They wanted Project Kipo to make the surface safe for humans, presumably safe from mutes, or "the Other." They wanted security for humans, not actual engagement with mutes. Their decision to not take away intelligence from mutes did not lead to them wanting to try to fully engage with mutes as fellow sentient beings; they started thinking of another way science could be used to more quickly improve the life and status of burrow humans and bypass engaging with mutes and even safeguarding against the "automatic danger" of mutes. Let's dissect the safety/threat of the surface for a bit. Burrow humans often act like the surface is not safe for them, presumably because of mutes, and they have to live deep underground in their burrows. The surface is truly dangerous, and mostly mutes live there now with so many humans apparently going underground--but the surface isn't that much safer for mutes either. Mutes do fight amongst each other. They have mega mutes and other wild, non-sentient mutes to deal with. There are other environmental dangers to face. Hugo was shown no mercy on the surface even though he was a mute, and had to literally fight for any basic acceptance from other mute primates. (Thanks to @lemonadesoda for the latter point.) And the root cause for Hugo/Scarlemagne eventually making the surface more dangerous for humans is the consequence of insanely oppressive/cruel/abusive treatment he suffered since his birth from burrow humans; it was suffering he endured while young and impressionable and still developing, and so it heavily warped him; his restrictive and abusive upbringing while young left him with a limited understanding of humans and a negative response to them, and he had no reason to believe differently after that or even try to look at things differently, and no one to try showing him differently, and that went on uninterrupted for about 13 years, further warping him. Like, I can't ignore that in an ongoing fictional story. Hugo/Scarlemagne would not have done that if he hadn't been so hurt and traumatized since birth by Emilia and several humans in the DNA Burrow. And again, a lot of Hugo/Scarlemagne's suffering at the hands of humans is because they wanted to revert mutes and go back to the status quo and make the surface safe for humans. Because of a refusal to engage with mutes as fellow sentient beings and instead treating them with fear/prejudice/rejection for the "danger" they pose. Mega mutes also seem like literally the biggest danger. Lio and Song's reactions indicate they're probably the biggest motivation for humans to go underground. But the mega mutes so far have not been shown to be malicious. They do seem like normal animals, but largely more dangerous because of their size. With centuries into this mutation, mega mutes just seem like a part of life now. Other mutes largely don't go deep underground to avoid them, but live with them on the surface. Why can't humans do the same at this point? I suppose what I'm saying is that burrow humans seem to act like the surface is barred from them and it's impossible to live there as it is, and that mutes reign; but the mutes are dealing with similar surface threats and are living there regardless. It's not impossible for humans. It's especially not impossible if humans tried to engage with mutes more instead of fearing them so. Also may seem a little...too privileged? Like humans--some humans--apparently can live underground in burrows; that doesn't seem like an option for mutes. The surface isn't just dangerous, it's very much not to the liking of humans at all and doesn't center them at all anymore; humans are not largely in charge on the surface like they were 200+ years ago. Instead of trying to deal with the surface as it is now and their new sentient mute neighbors, a number of humans seemed to have just packed up and left and went underground, and some of these burrow humans even plot to remove the intelligence of *newly sentient beings like the mutes (relatively newly sentient, like within a span of about 200+ years apparently). I do think largely mute distaste for humans at this point is more a cultural thing passed down through generations, especially since mutes don't seem to have any regular contact with humans. In contrast, Hugo/Scarlemagne has direct experience with humans, and it was a damaging experience, making his hate for them more personal and amplifying his negative response to them; Hugo/Scarlemagne has more reason to hate (and arguably even fear) humans. But I think the larger mute cultural distaste for humans is rooted in experiences similar to Hugo/Scarlemagne's, that it originally came from mutated animals who remembered suffering under humans, or experienced new suffering under humans; but through the following generations that somewhat faded and became more a matter of culture/tradition for mutes, connected to mutes' lessened exposure to humans. But now I do also wonder if the average mute population also might resent humans for hiding underground to be "safe." Like every other mute they know lives on the surface and deals with its danger; but oh no, not humans, they largely have to stay underground for their own "safety." Also I guess I just keep thinking, "Wow, Kipo seems to progress a lot with mutes by actually talking with them and learning about them! ...Has any other human ever just tried talking to them before??" Speaking of, Benson and Dave are a great example of human-mute engagement and friendship on the surface. Other than promoting Ratland, they may not have shown as much willingness as Kipo to try engaging with others*, but Benson and Dave are a big example of a strong personal connection that can happen between humans and mutes when they engage. Speaking of, also Ratland is another example of an actual effort of human-mute engagement.  *But Benson and Dave also have surface/survivor upbringings versus Kipo's sheltered burrow upbringing with a parent and a long standing community. But many humans, including Lio and Song (especially from before), show an unwillingness to really try engaging with mutes and regard them more with fear; and sometimes implied to think them as lesser, like of course they're so-and-so-and-a-threat, of course we have to fear them. It's even suggested in how Lio and Song continue to treat Hugo. When the formula finally works on Hugo, it motivates them to change their minds about taking intelligence away from mutes, but they still apparently maintain other arguably troubling attitudes. Again, they choose human experimentation over trying to actually talk to and engage with mutes. After they decide they don't want to be a part of the effort to revert mutes, do Lio and Song try to get Hugo out of the awful situation they're complicit in maintaining? No, they again go for human experimentation instead and continue to be complicit in Hugo's imprisonment until they're ready with an alternative for humans to live "safely" on the surface. They make Hugo wait, they do not prioritize him or his new status as a sentient mute; the greater good and "safety" of humanity takes precedence over the welfare of one mute. (Like Lio and Song are not on Emilia's level, but I think they're an example of the layers that can happen in something like this; Lio and Song are not as terrible to mutes as Emilia is, but I think that, for example, they don't or didn't actually respect mutes that much.) Kipo is also not a potential bridge between mutes and humans because she's half human half mute. Kipo cannot even meaningfully engage on a cultural level as half human and half mute because her whole life she was culturally raised as only a burrow human. She's learning more about mutes, but still culturally as a burrow human outsider. She doesn't have enough lived experience to meaningfully reach out to both human and mute cultures because she spent most of her life culturally as only a burrow human, and never even had to deal with growing up with a half human half mute identity; and she's an artificially made hybrid due to scientific experimentation conducted by her human parents, not the child of human and mute cultures truly engaging with each other, Kipo is not the child of a human parent and a mute parent. Lio and Song genetically engineered mute DNA into Kipo in the interests of making the surface safe for humans, and did not think of true engagement or communication with mutes and their culture. They probably didn't even consider mutes having a culture and society, etc. They only saw the physical benefit of mute DNA as something useful to ensure human "safety" on the surface, but didn't look at mutes as fully formed sentient beings with multiple layers to them. (*The entirety of Project Kipo is flawed and poorly thought out. Why not at least average mute DNA instead of going straight to mega mute DNA for an already risky experiment on your own child? They probably went straight for mega mute as the highest safeguard against other mega mutes. And they probably went with apex predator mega mute DNA to make the safeguard against other mega mutes even stronger. But there seems to be the heavy risk of an apex predator mega mute also seeing humans as prey and turning against them too. And the risk of that seems to be even more implied now that it's known that half mute-humans can lose themselves to mega mute side. And jaguars are again carnivorous predators. So. Just. I don't think Lio and Song thought this through at all and it's had poor consequences for everyone.) But Lio does end up raising Kipo as more his daughter than an experiment, and he did care for her and kept her mostly safe until the past came back to bite them with Emilia using mind controlled mega mute monkey Song to attack the Clover Burrow, and the mega mute jaguar traits making a comeback in a big way and exposing Kipo to losing her mind in mega mute mode and other traumas and dangers. (Would Emilia target Kipo like this at all if Kipo were a normal human?) But Lio is in a way still not as open as Kipo, or needs her help and/or reminders from her to try to be more open. I think Lio was able to create an environment where Kipo could come to her own and learn to be open herself. So a pro for him there, but Lio (and Song) again still made numerous other mistakes with severe consequences for both Kipo and Hugo/Scarlemagne, and a lot of others too actually (Emilia is using Project Kipo research after all). So Lio helped give Kipo a loving and safe enough upbringing for about 12 years before the consequences of his and Song's actions caught up with them; and Kipo was able to develop to the point that actually the most important thing she can offer is being herself, not the artificially hybrid half human half mute status forced on her.  I suppose what I'm also saying is that Lio and Song really unnecessarily experimented on their daughter, changed her body without her consent and forced these ambitions on her without her consent, tried to use science as a shortcut focused on only improving the status of humans, instead of trying to actually engage with mutes as fellow sentient beings in an ongoing dialogue and relationship. I'm saying that Kipo is doing what her parents and a lot of other humans should have tried before: talk to and engage with mutes on an emotional level. I'm saying that Kipo didn't need to be experimented on and genetically engineered into an artificial half human half mute hybrid for that. I guess what I'm saying is: Human Experimentation or Sending out a Peacekeeping Delegation to Mute Factions (Talk to Mutes)?? And Lio and Song went with human experimentation. (I love that the show has made me think about stuff like this. Lio and Song are very interesting and part of that is because they've screwed up so much, and they'll be even more interesting if the narrative ends up really acknowledging this. Also I felt he was relevant, but I also could not resist Hugo/Scarlemagne thoughts, I love him.)

[silvia7272]

ML Salt SongFic ~ 2 Pull Me Back

I’m so glad how much positivity this got. I’m so happy guys, I can’t believe it. I’ve decided to use this song because 1, reasons that you will see and 2, I thought it kinda fitted how Marinette’s feeling. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.

Word Count: 3822

Tags: @queenmj10, @fangirl39, @animegirlweeb, @northernbluetongue, @daminett4life, @raisuke06, @indecisive-mess-named-me, @luleck, @themamaravenclaw, @emmathedestroyer, @gwennex, @angelaaali (It won't let me tag you sorry) @amayakans, if you wish to be tagged all you have to do is say. Sorry, it's different but this was the reason I started posting in the first place.

***

Marilody had never been as proud of herself as she had in that instance. She had finally outed that liar, that liar who had made her life hell ever since she came back. If it weren’t for her newfound friends, she didn’t know what she would do. As she thought back to them there was a nagging feeling telling her to stop, for them. But she pushed it aside, they would understand, she was sure of it. They would’ve done the same thing. Right?

She shook the doubt away, of course, they would. They all fought for justice, all helped make that piece. What was that saying again? No pain no gain. She may not be the same Marinette, but her friends mattered to her damn it.

And they had been wronged for the last time.

“It’s what they would’ve wanted, she’s hurt us for far too long… It has to be” She continued on her trek.

***

In all of his millennia of living, never had he seen a Ladybug’s chosen become so broken to be hurt like this. Plagg remembered how Adrien and Marinette had a disagreement, but they were kids, after all, they would sort it out eventually so there would’ve been nothing to worry about. But then he waited, and waited… And nothing happened. He had snuck out to speak with Tikki about the situation, but they couldn’t exactly say anything without revealing something important identity wise.

It was around that time Rosina came into the fray. And boy was he thankful. She made Marinette and Adrien happy and he was glad. How she made Chloé become somewhat tolerable he’d never know. But it was great for the time being.

Until today.

He tried to get Adrien’s attention, but the music was hypnotising him and Plagg couldn’t get to him.

Now he felt what the dinosaurs did.

Panic.

‘If I can’t get to Adrien, then how can we get our Ladybug back?’ He looked around, if Adrien couldn’t see him, he doubted anyone else would make note of him.

All he saw was a never-ending sea of white. Just how powerful was this Akuma?

No, wait! He saw something. That hair was familiar, and he had to make a quick decision. She was a worthy candidate and he was sure Tikki wouldn’t have minded.

After all, she was friends with her chosen.

He slipped the ring off Adrien’s finger; he didn’t want to part from him, but he really had no choice. And he zipped past to get to his target.

‘Almost there’ Her back was turned as she carried on.

The ring she supported was special, not as much as a Miraculous, but it had been made because of the Miraculous wish.

It’s a long story that even the author doesn’t know how to word yet please give it time.

If he could slip that ring onto that same finger it might cause a magic reaction to break her out.

‘Here's hoping’ He was lucky, the black cat was very lucky.

A hardly visible light encased the girl before she fell to her knees.

“Owww, what happened? Wait, where am I?” Her head searched frantically around as Plagg had to place his hands on her cheeks to get her attention.

“Rosina listen to me! M-”

“Woooooah, you’re a Kwami, right? Just like Tikki? What are you doing here?” He forgot how inquisitive she could get, but if letting her be caught up would get this whole mess sorted, then so be it. He internally sighed, he hated explaining stuff, that was more Tikki’s forte.

“Yes, I’m a Kwami, Chat Noir’s Kwami to be specific, Marinette’s been Akumatized into a music type Akuma. My chosen got caught in its power before being able to transform so I need your help. I know your Crisono and friends with Ladybug. And to be honest, your Paris’ last hope.”

“Mari’s been Akumatized? I have to help in any way I can. Tell me what I can do!” He was relieved, that was quicker than he expected.

“I know you're kinda skilled in Akuma battles, but since your alone, for this, you need to find the object and Cataclysm it. Since I don’t think anything has been destroyed everything should be reverted to normal.”

“Alright, so I just have to say the words, right?” He nodded. Maybe this will be good, if she can combine those two powers, wouldn’t that be awesome?

“I Bequeath This Blade To Dance”

The bright light appeared and turned into her usual weapon of a Sabre.

“Ok. Oh, I’ve always wanted to say this. Plagg! Claws Out! Did I say it right?”

“Yes, you diiiiiiiiiiiiiiid” He was sucked into the ring. And her transformation begun.

***

Marilody couldn’t push that… Feeling away any longer.

It wasn’t Hawkmoths, it was a bit too feminine for that, no. This feeling made her doubt herself, made her doubt everything. It sounded like her own voice.

¨They’ll hate you for it.¨

¨You’re only doing this for yourself.¨

¨How selfish of you, using your own friends for your own personal gain.¨

¨This is why all your other friends left you, you never deserved them in the first place.¨

♫Stop it♫

¨You’re the worst Ladybug that has ever been chosen, why did Fū trust you.¨

¨Of course Hawkmoth would Akumatize you one of these days. It was inevitable for someone like you.¨

♫Stop♫

¨You might as well Team up with him considering all you’ve done.¨

♫Stop iiiiiiiiiiiiit!♫

A barrier filled with notes trapped her. Her mind rapidly playing a stream of events of a twisted version of the truth, was this Hawkmoth’s doing? She didn’t know, she couldn’t tell. All she knew was…

♫None of it matters… None of it matters♫

She hated this, this power. She wanted it to stop but she didn’t know-how! She forgot.

♫None of it matters Who am I? What Am I? Tell me now! Just break it all (Just break it all) Take it all away♫

She took in the view, with her power, she was sure it would spread throughout all of Paris. Wasn’t she Ladybug? Wasn’t she meant to protect not destroy?

♫I'm sitting here Pieces of fractured fears So tear it down (Tear it down) Tear it down I want to tear it down!♫

She didn’t deserve any of her friends, none of them. Why were they friends with her anyway? Did they just pity her?

♫Standing on the edge This window is open again I have nothing, nothing left!♫

Why was she Ladybug in the first place? Why did Fū choose her, Rosina would be much better being Ladybug. After being Akumatized she was sure Fū would take it back.

♫Tear me down (Tear Me Down) Tear me down (Ohhhhh! Ohh!) Tear me down♫

Everyone would leave her she just knew it. She wouldn’t blame them; she had failed everything. Everyone.

♫Please pull me back Pull me back Pull me back♫

Rosina knew she would have to search for her friends in order to save them, she hadn’t expected to find her classmates in such a state like they were.

They were transfixed to a view in front of them, Rosina knew not to turn around just in case. But the puzzle remained.

How to free them?

It was then she saw a piece of crumpled up paper in Nathaniel’s hand. Picking it up she thought it seemed like a plausible solution, there wouldn’t be any negative effect if she did.

She knew she wasn’t the best singer but her Aunt had once complimented her so that was enough for her.

♪I know the room will spin Nothing left, the consequence I'm not, I'm not I'm not giving up yet♪

They were starting to move, yes it was working. This was great, just a bit more.

♪Take my hand Hold it out I will pull you in♪

“Huh? What happened?” They were awake, thank goodness. Nathaniel was the closest one to her and she couldn’t help hugging the confused boy.

“H-Hey who are you? And, where are we?” He struggled to get the unknown assailant off him, but he gasped when he noticed who it could’ve been.

“C-Chat Noir?” Adrien’s blood ran cold. He checked for his ring only to see it was gone. Oh god, he was being punished. He wasn’t Chat Noir anymore, he had it taken away from him! Was this because he hadn’t stuck with Marinette for the situation? Would this mean his freedom was gone?

“Oh no, no no no of course not. I’m err Kittie Crissi” She frantically waved her hands as everyone else saw the newcomer.

“Ladybug and Chat Noir got caught in this trap while they gave me time to escape. Chat’s Kwami came to me for assistance since I can’t purify or destroy an Akuma. I’m only using this temporarily.” She clapped her hands, a way to get their attention.

“Anyway, is everyone safe? No physical injuries?”

“Only emotional damage done. How could you Lila?! After everything we’ve done for you and this is how you repay us? This is all your fault?!” Lila stopped the fake display of her façade and smirked.

“Oh please, if all of you hadn’t believed me so willingly none of this would’ve happened, this is just as much as your fault than it is mine.” She flicked her hair away not bothered about the looks she had received.

“How, you tricked us?!” Boy, did Alya have some nerve.

“I didn’t force you to believe everything I said, honestly I was surprised for how long I got away with it, you were the ones that pushed Marinette away, don’t try to play innocent. The only ones that didn’t were Marinette’s real friends.”

She was right.

No matter what, Lila never told them to be mean to Marinette, just that she had hurt her, she had manipulated them, but she didn’t force them to do anything, that was their fault, no Akuma involved.

“All of you need to stay here, I’ll place a barrier to make sure no other notes target you” She only got some nods as most were still mortified about what they had done and what they'd just learnt.

She was about to place it when she felt a hand.

“Yes, Adrien?” He looked heartbroken.

“Please save Marinette. I don't think she’s being controlled by Hawkmoth” He was glad he knew her secret. Because he knew she was more than capable of saving the day as well as everyone.

“Don’t worry, I’ll save Mari. I promise” She pattered his arm before placing them in a barrier with that object of hers. It would take time to complete, but most of it was finished.

She winked before running off to save her friend.

***

“As your gifter, I expect you to submit to me and stop this pity party of yours. Find both Miraculous now!” His voice kept coming back, and with all the other thoughts she couldn’t recognise fiction from reality.

♫What am I doing with this? I'd rather it break and twist♫

She touched her Akumatized object, why hadn’t she broken it yet? Why hadn’t she moved from her place? So many questions formed she felt she was having a breakdown.

♫It's a steady climb going out of my mind Six feet under torn rippled to sunder!♫

She couldn’t escape. Her power was overflowing. She couldn’t control it any longer.

She was afraid.

♫Tear me down (Tear Me Down) Tear me down (Ohhhhh Ohh!) Tear me down♫

Her cries were heard by the whole class. Most of them guilty of what they had done to her, their former friend. She was begging for help and they couldn’t do anything.

♫Please pull me back Pull me back Pull me back♫

She could hear her friends wails of pain through her melody. She had to get there soon, then everything would be alright. Oh god, she had to save Ladybug, she needed to make sure she was alright.

But she couldn’t get far as a stranger blocked her way.

“Chloé? Oh, thank goodness you’re alright, you have to-” She paused. Her eyes weren’t the ones she was used to, they held a musical note instead of the Iris.

She looked around her to see Kagami and Luka there as well. On the plus side now she knew they were ok, hypnotised but ok, she was getting worried about her friends.

But they didn’t look like how the class were. First of they were able to move around, and second… They were attacking her! She had to block them all with her new Baton.

“Chloé, Luka, Kagami! It's me, Rosina, please stop!” But they didn’t listen. They were like mindless slaves doing whatever their Master wanted.

Maybe it would work again?

♪I know the room will spin Nothing left, the consequence I'm not, I'm not I'm not giving up yet♪

They had stopped, instead, they covered their heads with their hands, looking to have an inner battle with themselves.

They were trying to break free.

♪Take my hand Hold it out I will pull you in♪

They all gasped at whatever power released their hold on the three. They breathed heavily as they surveyed their background.

“Where’s Marinette?” Kagami said sharply. It seemed she had recovered first before noticing the figure standing in her vision. Her face was filled with confusion, this wasn’t Chat Noir at all. It took her a moment before her eyes located the bow she was wearing.

“Rosina? How did you get Chat Noir’s Miraculous?”

“It’s a long story. But right now, you three have to stay with the others and keep safe. Marinette’s been Akumatized and I don’t want you three to get hurt”

“What? How did that happen, we were all at the park with our song… Sheet?” Luka seemed to remember the events that transpired, how could he forget that note of sadness that played through Marinette’s heart as her former friend ripped that sheet up.

“But we can’t just leave, and I’ll be damned if I have to spend any more time with those utter losers” Luka shot her a glare, one of those losers was his Sister after all, but Chloé waved him off.

“I’m sorry Chloé but it's not safe, please Chloé” It was then they heard something. A horrifying cry of guilt and sadness.

Of Marinette.

“Even if she’s an Akuma it doesn’t feel like she’s being controlled by Hawkmoth, but even then I don’t think she’s in control of her powers, if she were to hurt any of you Marinette would never forgive herself, and she might be Akumatized again, at least with me I have a Miraculous and I’m trained in this area.” They stayed silent; they knew she was right but not being able to help left them helpless.

Chloé laid a hand on Rosina’s shoulder, a smile as she soon spoke.

“You better promise to get her back then, or you’ll never have that sleepover” That joke soothed her, she was glad they were happy at a time like this.

“Of course, Chlo, no need to worry I’ll get her back. I promise” She pointed in the direction they should head in before she continued her search of the bluenette.

♪(I'm not giving up yet)♪

She was racing towards her friend, there was only so long that barrier would last without her being there to concentrate. Plus, what if Marinette was moving around and found the class, that would be a problem.

‘Mari… I promise I won’t leave you. I’ll never betray you… Ever’

There, in front of her!

There was a barrier. And-

“Marinette!” She yelled her name repeatedly. Couldn’t she see anything?

With her options minimised, she placed her hand on the barrier, would she be able to feel a presence?

Her head shot up! She noticed. But before she could utter a word, a note flew out to her. She had to dodge, and fast!

“Marinette please listen to me. You can’t let it control you, please hear me.”

♪Let's not go so far Up in flames in skies My fears start to sleep But this nightmare will end And turn into a dream♪

The barrier, maybe if she broke it?

“Please work” She jumped and with all her might hit the barrier causing it to shatter completely.

“Mari-” She got hit!

It flew her across several feet and boy did it hurt.

“Marinette, please listen to me. Please fight it. I can help you. Please” She pleaded to no avail. Marinette looked so… Scared. Did she not... Realize that it was her.

♪I know the room will spin Nothing left, the consequence I'm not, I'm not I'm not giving up yet♪

Even with the barrier broken it would still be a struggle to get closer whilst avoiding the notes. If she could just get close enough maybe she could show her.

But that would mean taking some hits. Her mind made a decision as soon as she saw her friend. She could tell she was in pain, and so so fearful.

♪Take my hand♪

She stepped forward.

♪Hold it out♪

She was hit too many times to count but like hell she was gonna let that stop her.

♪I will pull you in♪

She placed her hand on Marinette’s as a final note collided with her stomach.

And oh god was the pain immense. But she had made it, and by the decreasing number of notes, she guessed Marinette recognised her.

“Marinette?” She prayed she wasn’t under Hawkmoth’s control.

♫R-Rosina?♫ Her voice was shaky, almost as if she hadn’t realised who was in front of her. Her eyes were back to normal.

“Yes. It's me. Are you ok Ma-?” She couldn’t finish her sentence before the Akuma threw herself on the new feline heroine.

♫I-I’m so sorry, this is all my fault. I hurt everyone… I can’t do anything right♫ She pattered her back as she had that first day they had met. She was breaking down again.

♫I’m so so sorry Rosina. I hurt you and all of my friends, I’m a failure, I got Akumatized when I knew I shouldn’t have. I-I I’m so pathetic.♫ She cried harder as Rosina held her.

It almost made her want to cry.

But she had to try and be as strong as possible.

“Look at me, Mari. Please” Rosina couldn’t see her eyes, but her head lifted itself.

“You are the smartest, the bravest, the kindest girl I know. If anyone’s a failure its Hawkmoth for thinking he could control you. As your friend we will continue to stand by your side, nothing you can say will change that, we won’t leave you, not Chloé, not Kagami, not Luka and certainly not me.” She couldn’t take it, her own tears fell down, recalling all her happy memories with her first friend, everything that had happened, she wanted it to go back to the way it was.

“Mari, please tell me where the Akuma is, so we can end this… Together” Intertwining her hand with hers the tears never stopped as Marinette nodded.

♫I-It’s my headpiece… And Rosina?♫ Marinette grabbed her attention.

“Hmm?” She gave a gentle smile.

♫I’m sorry about-♫

“Hey, you have nothing to apologise for. You did everything right” She reached for the headpiece, breaking it with ease. The butterfly tried to escape, but it flew too slow.

“Cataclysm!” And like that, it was over. With Marinette Akumatized no more, her power vanished, causing the white landscape to evaporate.

Marinette, bless her, collapsed into Rosina after everything was over, struggling to keep Hawkmoth off bay for that much proved too much, not like she could blame her.

She heard footsteps racing towards her, looking around it was her three friends. They held faces of worry and relief at the same time.

“Crisono, are you alright? Is Marinette ok? Can you stand?” Luka bent down to check on Marinette and was glad to find her just asleep.

“I’m sort of fine. I didn’t want to say anything to Mari, but she really did a number on me, but since the Akuma’s gone I doubt there's any reason for Ladybug to use her Miraculous cure just for me. But we should get going, I’d much rather rest if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Of course. Marinette’s is closest, let’s go” Crisono was in no state to carry Marinette so Luka volunteered while Kagami helped her up. Chloé grabbed her friend's other side, and she was pleased that it was finally over.

“Hey”

Damn it! She just had to jinx it huh.

“I-Is Marinette alright?” It was Rose who asked first, one of the tiniest being the bravest of the group for once.

“You would know if you were still her real friends!” Kagami’s tone was cold and brutal, but they knew it was true.

“B-But then maybe we can help,” Rose tried again, she really did just want to start over, Marinette was so kind, how could they forget.

“You? Help! Are you serious! How dare you!” Chloé would’ve continued until she heard her friend cough, it didn’t look too harmful, but she was still worried none the less.

“Just stay away from us got it, I won’t hesitate to call DaddyKins if any of you try to harass us with your ‘sympathy’ got it” They started walking away, until one of them asked a simple question.

One that should’ve been answered a long time ago.

“Why was Marinette so upset over that song sheet?” Adrien simply asked. It was silent as the four stopped in their tracks. Until the feline heroine surprisingly spoke.

“If you couldn’t tell, that piece of paper Marinette got so upset over didn’t belong to her” The class was shocked, then Marinette was lying? No wait, it looked like Crisono hadn’t finished speaking.

“She was asked to decorate it, that person along with their friends made the lyrics themselves, she spent so much of her time and effort on it because she cared about whom it was for. She was so excited to give it back before you all came, claiming she had stolen it. When you ripped it up, she wasn’t angry about her wasted time. She was overcome with grief for her friend's hard work ruined in a matter of seconds.” They winced at the harshness Crisono used, but they knew they deserved it.

“I won’t tell you who asked, but you should know that you’re the first to have angered them, immensely. Now please do yourself a favour and not get Akumatized. That would be terrific” They walked off leaving their class behind.

They all, minus Lila, had too many thoughts running around their heads.

Why did they choose fairy-tale over reality?

Gossip over honesty?

How were they going to fix this?

Could they even fix this?

Would Marinette ever forgive them?

Would Marinette want to forgive them?

But mostly…

Would Marinette be ok?

***

Changed - Can’t pay the rent to The consequence because it would make more sense.

This was a bit more angsty than I had planned… And I loved every minute of it.

Also might draw Rosina in the Cat Miraculous later, I already have her name picked out.

That’s it, I really hope you enjoyed this little Two-Shot, but sorry if it's not what you expected. Although now the question is do I say what happens next as a short story or just make a whole new SongFic about it? But for that, I have no idea how I would write the aftermath. If any of you have ideas, please tell me I’m always willing to listen to ideas. But I am so glad so many people like this, I think I saw 300 notes on it, and I can’t tell you how happy that’s made me. Also, if anyone knows the song then I’ll be impressed, anyone I tell to has no idea what I’m talking about.

If I do another one would you still want Class Salt, Sugar or a mix? If you want a mix, please tell me each character to be either Salted or Sugared as I’m not a mind reader.

Edit 1: I've drawn her, and I hope you like it. By the way, her hair is black and her sclera (White part of the eye) is silver along with the markings on her costume, like when Marinette was transformed into Lady Noir, although I headcanon that her markings were blue.

Anyway, I have no idea what I’ll be uploading next. If anyone has any suggestions of what I can write about I’m all ears. But I hope you’ll enjoy it and have a nice day.

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Hurt, pt.10 (E.D.)

Summary: Ethan and Y/N meet again, most of their secrets out in the open.

Warnings: ANGST, slight fluff, swearing, talk of depression

Word Count: 2500

Hurt - Masterlist

Memories work in different ways. Some memories feel warm and secure, wrapping you into the fuzzy feeling they evoke like a security blanket. Other times, memories are like a gateway to hell. They lead you down a dark, narrow path with certainty of doom. It's a fine line to walk between good memories and bad ones. One moment you feel happy, in the next the world is crashing around you.

Y/N had felt just that as she stepped foot in her old house, the one she had been staring at for far too long now. She didn't know if she was scared to return because she could still have feelings for Ethan, or because she'd go inside and find that she had become indifferent to it all.

One moment she felt the security blanket...

''You're going to break you back! Ethan!“ She yelped as he lifted her in his arms despite her protests, wanting to do things right from the start.

''I don't know where you come from, but here in New Jersey, it's custom to carry thy wife over the threshold!“

In the next moment it was pain...

''Don't...Damn it!“ Ethan growled out, holding back more than he thought is possible. He's been less than in control of his emotions as of late and he never wanted to lose control with Y/N. But in this moment where he had tried to be honest with her, to ask for her help, for her love, to be there for him and to watch her randomly pack a few of her things in a bag with intent of leaving him before he had a chance to say anything to explain his earlier words? In this moment he had lost himself completely. There was no more Ethna to hold onto.

''You told me to be honest with you!“ Ethan kicked the bag she was packing, hoping it gets her attention. And it did. But the look she shot him was clear as day – it was a look of hate, not sympathy or love. He had lost her. He knew that.

''DON'T THROW THAT BACK IN MY FACE!“ She didn't hold herself back anymore either. She was dancing on a line between madness and sanity, one she found hard to balance. She told him that when they first began dating because she always believed trust would breed solid ground to build a relationship on. She didn't want that to be what makes them break.

''You being in love with someone else? I'm supposed to thank you for telling me that? For not fucking her yet? Want me to applaud you for it? Because I won't! You don't catch feelings overnight, Ethan! Had you told me you've been attracted to someone earlier, when it started, we could have worked something out! Love?! I can't work with that! I can't stop you from loving her, but I won't sit around and watch my marriage burn when it had ended the day you decided I wasn't worth it anymore. You made the choice to hire her. You knew you'd spend half your time with her. Had you cared, you wouldn't have let it get far.“

She could still hear the ghosts of their past – romantic gestures, giggles, pranks, heart to hearts, but she could also hear the fights, the accusations thrown in their last one, the malicious intent behind every word she had spoken.

Sighing, she pushed through the heartache and undeniable regret. Walking the halls, she finally found what she's been looking for – their bedroom. A part of her wanted to remember all the softness, all the kisses and promises made, but a bigger part of her wondered how many times had he tried to fuck Bianca where she used to lay. It's the part of her she's not too proud of, but a part that's ruthlessly honest with her.

Just because he never truly got to that point with Bianca, it had hurt to know that there was a part of him – a deep, dark part of Ethan that didn't love or care for her as much as she thought he did. A part of him could imagine a life without her and before they separated, Y/N never thought she could survive without him. So much of her was comprised of all their moments spent together – the good and the bad – and she didn't want to erase any of them...until that day.

Opening the drawers, Y/N moved aside Ethan's socks, nearly grunting when she saw he had started folding them all wrong like he used to do when they just got married. It took her four months to teach him how to properly fold his clothes and to see he had reverted to his old habits unnerved her. It's a silly thing to be angry about because who gets mad about how socks are folded? But she was angry, not necessarily just about the socks, but the whole situation she found herself in.

Finally finding what she came here for, she closed her hand around the small, black box. Sitting back to rest, she drew in a deep, heavy breath. She had already started having trouble moving and breathing and she was only four months along, her stomach visible just enough to tell she's pregnant, but not enough to say she's as big as she knows she'll get. She was happy not to have the morning sickness issue, but the size? She wasn't happy about getting so big so soon.

Staring at the little black box, she debated whether to open it. It wouldn't do her any good for she already knew what was inside. None of this would do her any good, but she felt the need to do this – to see it herself. It's that nagging feeling you get in the back of your mind that won't leave you alone until you humor it, so she did.

Shaking her head, she opened the box, gasping despite knowing she'd find just that – their wedding band – his and hers – the same one she had thrown in his face as she walked out of their house. He kept them both, but that's not what got her – it's the inscription he had engraved as a surprise – Infinity times infinity, that faced her directly.

''It's just in case one of us gets in a horrible accident and the tattoos are scraped off our skin.“ Ethan shrugged as if his reasoning is the most normal thing in the world and the weird part of it all is that Y/N simply nodded, chuckling, because that's exactly the kind of thing she'd expect him to do, to say, to think – and she absolutely loved him for it.

Placing a shaky hand over her mouth, she felt the tears pricking at her eyes. It's quite clear she can't say she's indifferent to it all anymore, but her other fear had turned out to be true – she still felt something, everything for him.

All her friends and family keep telling her to forget, to let him go. How? It's all part of her. She can't let go of the pain without losing something sacred. The good memories keep her going and the bad ones make her want to curl under the duvet and never come out again, but they are locked tight together like two sides of the same coin.

How to let go of him when she can’t say for sure she wants to?

Y/N didn't know what to say. In fact, she didn't come to see him to say anything at all. She just needed to see him – like she would lose her mind if she didn't. So she came. And she stood there, shaking like a leaf, staring at her husband...ex-husband...or not...she didn't know anymore.

And he stared right back.

Noticing his lips move in an effort to speak, Y/N had rushed toward him. She didn't know why and she didn't want to do it at all, it was a surprise for her too – instinct, something beyond her control, like her heartbeat.

Without control, she threw her arms around him, holding him close. However, she couldn't stop herself from shaking even more in his embrace, especially as he wrapped his arms around her as well – her safe place forming once again.

''Babe, you're shaking.“ His voice had chased away all the sanity in her mind. He had turned her back to porcelain, a fragile doll in need of his kisses and compliments and sexy smirks that made her weak in the knees. He still has all of her, she knows that. But she can't be porcelain again. Never again. Porcelain breaks.

Pushing against his chest, Y/N had stepped back, wiping under her nose with the back of her hand as she sniffled, holding her emotions in, regaining control. She turned to leave, only to find Ethan wanted her to stay.

''Please don't. Just...I've missed you. All of you.“ Ethan's desperate call had made her turn around, giving him a good look at not only her face but her growing abdomen. It felt like the light at the end of a very long tunnel for Ethan, but for Y/N it was anything but. It was the bottom of a well she worked so hard to climb out of.

''I'm not here to mend things between us, Ethan. I just needed to see you. Make sure you're alright. That's all.“ She struggled to keep her voice leveled, but the slight rasp to her tone had given him insight into her pain. And all he could think about is how much he hates that he had caused her any pain, regardless how she carries it with such grace that he had fallen in love with her all over again.

''I understand. I do. I don't deserve you nor do you have to give me a second chance. Y/N, I'm just asking for a moment longer. I haven't given up on you, but if you gave up on me...on us...I understand.“ Ethan wasn't hiding his emotion any longer. He stood there, bleeding heart in his hands out in the open, giving her the choice between mercy and revenge.

''Don't. Okay?“ She pressed her lips in a thin line, releasing a shaky breath.

''I'm sorry you've been hurting and I'm sorry I contributed to that pain. Hopefully, you'll get well and...I hope you'll be happy again. Because I do want that for you, Ethan. I do.“ Her eyes glossed over as he stepped closer to her, grateful he didn't try to manipulate her by saying he'd never be happy without her by his side. He let her speak. He didn't interrupt her. He let her be herself – the new Y/N, and he did love the new side of her too.

''And I hate myself for not seeing your pain before, but that doesn't excuse what you did. It doesn't magically erase the bad, the pain, the lost trust and...If I stay here any longer I might cave and fall back into the bad place you put me in...And I don't want to go there again, Ethan. And I don't want to make you feel worse about it because I want you to get better. Our babies will need you to get better.'' She smiled, absentmindedly placing a hand over her swollen belly and while it pained him, Ethan could tell she would be a good mother already.

''I didn't meant to hurt you. I guess I was hurting so badly...hating that you didn't. There was a wicked part of me that wanted you to hurt just as much. I shouldn't have started the conversation like that. I should have started with what's wrong with my mind. I should have done a lot of things differently and I'm so sorry I didn't.“ Ethan wanted to make amends, to make sure she knows he was working to be different, someone who wouldn't just hurt her for sport. Even he couldn't recognize that part of himself for it felt like a different person, a split personality, but he couldn't place blame on someone else because it was him. He had to take responsibility.

''I know.“ She smiled so kindly that he felt like he was in heaven. It's the same smile she used to give him when he'd come home from work and rush to kiss her before saying anything because that's all he could think about all day long.

''It doesn't make it hurt any less. It changed me, E. I'm not the same woman you married. And it's not the worst change. I actually like myself better now.“ She stepped closer once again, taking his hand in hers. She had turned it in her hold, his palm facing her belly as she placed it lightly.

''Thank you.“ Ethan whispered, wanting to cry but not because of the sadness that took over him when he realized he might not stand a chance with her, but happy tears over feeling her stomach. There was no movement, nothing that would let him know there are babies inside her other than the size of it, but he hadn't felt so happy in so long that he had forgotten what happiness meant.

''I should go. I'm getting tired so easily these days.“ She smiled, pulling his hand away, taking his happiness away in the process just as easily as she had given it.

''Will you come back?“ Ethan asked, knowing that he's supposed to come out in two weeks anyway, but he wasn't really asking if she'd come back here – but if she'd come back to him...to their house...to their life. She just smiled, shrugging because she could see right through him and he knew that.

''Birds often fly in different directions...it doesn't mean they never meet again after the winter has passed.“

Hearing someone approach had brought her out of her most recent Ethan memory, knowing she probably stayed too long – long enough to draw attention and worry. Quickly, she had placed the box back in the back of his sock drawer, her heart pounding so strongly she worried it might break her ribcage open.

''Hey? Found what you were looking for?“ Edward walks in, his charming smile erased with a worried glint in his bright blue eyes, a strand of his blonde hair falling from behind his ear and to his cheekbone which Y/N couldn't help but smile at. He looked like an angel, incredibly handsome and while her mind continued to push Ethan memory of him standing in the same place looking at her the same way, she focused on the British man who had been so kind to waste his lunch break on her.

''Yeah...I think I did.“

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[chickensarentcheap]

I Found (chapter 14)

Warnings: fluffy but angsty Tyler

Tagging: @alievans007 (even though she asked where her chapter was and knew this was coming ;) ) @c-a-v-a-l-r-y  @hemmyworthy

He watches her as she sits on a bench  in the hotel courtyard,  the hood of the sweater pulled over her head, eyes riveted on the cellphone in her hand as her fingers composed a text message.  Tyler has his work cut out for him; recognizing his own faults and his own mistakes has always been a struggle, never mind actually apologizing for them. He had learned a lot over the past year. Specifically the last eight months; having to get used to domestic bliss and worrying about someone other than himself. It had been a long time since he'd had to take someone else's feelings into consideration, and even now he struggled with. Easily reverting back to old adults and an old life where he only had himself, a dog, and a chicken to take care of.

In his mind, he had made the right decision for his family. The most feasible and logical option. The safest. Lure the bad guys away from Ovi and effectively Esme and the baby. He hadn't stopped to take into consideration that she needed him. That he was the only who who has ever made her feel safe. Secure. Protected.

He moves towards the door, only to have Jason step through it and effectively block his way. There's something he doesn't like about the kid. Something he just can't quite put a finger on. Normally he could read others feel; able to easily see through their bullshit, identify their weakness, exploit them if he had to. But this kid remains an enigma. A puzzle to crack. Something more sinister and untrustworthy hiding under those boy next door looks and his polite, almost naive down south persona.

“Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?” Tyler asks. He isn't a man that plays games. And this kid was well on his way to playing a very dangerous one.

“She said she needed some fresh air. A chance to be alone. Think.”

“Are you honestly trying to stop me from going to see my own wife?  You need to take about two steps back. Before I drop you on your ass.”

The younger man moves to block his way once again. Using those wide shoulders to effectively bar Tyler's entrance into the courtyard.

“I just think it's best if you leave her alone,” he suggests. “Let her catch her breath. Clear her head a little.”

A smirk tugs at the corners of Tyler's mouth and his eyes narrow and his voice drops.  The way it always did when the bad guys tried to play their mind games and pull their bullshit.  When they didn't know just exactly who he was, what he did, and how dangerous he could be. Like that day back in Dhaka, when he gone into that squalid apartment, surrounded by hostiles, and laid eyes on Ovi Mahajan Junior for the first time.

“You've been here for what? Two days? Forty eight hours and suddenly you're an expert on what is best for her? For my wife?”

“Well someone has to think what's best for her,” he bravely retorts.

Tyler gives a derisive snort. Fists clenching. Jaw tightening. “I think you better take those steps back, mate. I've dealt with bigger and better than you. I won't hesitate when it comes to putting a foot up your ass.”

“I just think that everyone needs to calm down. Look at this all rationally. Take a breath and...”

Before he can finish, Tyler has his forearm in a vice like grip; twisting it painfully behind his back and then propelling him forward, slamming him face first into the plate glass window.

“I don't know exactly who you are or who the hell you think you are or what games you're playing. But if you ever get in my way again. I will fuck you up so badly your own mother won't be able to recognize you. If you so as much look at me the wrong way, if you so as much even think of trying to get between me and my wife, if you so as much as even go near my daughter, I promise you that I will make what guys like Asif to do people look tame. You understand me?”

A brisk tap on the glass next to them captures Tyler's attention. Nik stands behind it, watching the altercation through the window.  And when she and Tyler make eye contact, her gaze hardens and her brow furrows and she shakes her head with the utmost disdain.

He relents. Giving the kid one last shove before stepping backwards, hands held up in surrender.

The kid shows no emotion. Not a hint of fear playing on his face or glittering in his eyes.  Whether it was an act or he truly was cold as ice, Tyler didn't know, but it was unsettling. Troubling. Like the moments before an ally turns out to be an enemy and they strike.  The only outward sign of uneasiness is the sweat that beads across his forehead and the bobbing of his Adam's apple as he swallows noisily. His eyes never leaving Tyler's as he simply straightens his suit jacket and his tie.

“Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe it's you that needs to worry?” he speaks, no shakiness or trepidation in his voice. “That maybe you're the one that needs to step back and watch yourself?”

It's a threat. Tyler knows it is.  And now he is the one that's feeling uneasy.  Uncharacteristically frazzled by the tone in the younger man's voice and that icy cool demeanour.  “I don't want to see you around her again,” he warns. “Unless I'm the one that tells you to be. You hear me? Now walk away.”

Jason takes a step forward, then hesitates when he notices the fiery in Tyler's eyes and the way his arms are tense as they hang by his side, hands clenched tightly into fists.  He'd heard the stories. He'd seen the numbers. The aftermath of what one single man...this man...could do.  Tyler Rake was fearless. Savage. Merciless.

“Walk...away...” Tyler's voice is low, menacing. Nostrils flaring as he fights to control his temper.  He had promised he wouldn't be that man again. The one that could smile at someone one minute and rip them apart the next.   But old habits do truly die hard.

Jason finally cracks.  With nothing more than a simple nod as he turns on his heel. His gait slow. Unhurried.  Purposeful. The message he is sending loud and clear.

****

Esme looks up briefly as he approaches.  She's been crying; eyes rimmed with red, swollen and puffy. That sad, heartbreaking glitter  that he hates seeing. And hates himself for causing.

“Very smooth, Tyler,” she looks back down at her phone  “Beating up the help.”

“Nothing's more hurt than his pride. You know, there's something about that kid I don't like. He's too eager. Too willing. Especially when it comes to you.”

“That's called jealousy, Tyler. I know you're usually incapable of feeling other emotions outside of intense anger and astonishing self loathing, but I'm actually quite flattered that you feel that strongly about something. About someone. All over little old me.”

“I deserved that,” he says in response, and she gives a little snort, refusing to make eye contact with him.

For what seems like an eternity, neither of them speak. The kind of silence that hangs so thick in the air, you can hear the rushing of the blood through your body or a pin drop in a room on the other side of the house, on an entirely different level.  One that is so deafening that you would do anything to quell the agony.

He stands in front of her, hands on his hips, watching her.  The gun seeming impossibly heavy as it sits in its holster, clipped to the waist band of his pants.  It's a weight that he had hoped to never bear again.  A life that he had hoped was well and truly behind him. Naive, he supposed. As once you were in the game, you never were truly out of it.

Unless you were dead.  

He's the first to break.   “What are you doing?”

“Texting.”

The one word answer aggravates him.  “Who?”

“My other husband,” she huffs, and heaves a sigh of exasperation. “My mother. I've been trying to get a hold of her since last night. I don't know if my texts aren't going through or if there might be something wrong or if she's just given up on me and is just completely ignoring me...”

“I'm sure she's just busy. I doubt she's given up on you. She's your mom. Moms don't give up on their kids.”  He'd only had a short time with his own mother. But in the time that they had had together, he discovered that it was true.  No matter the distance or the issues between them, a mothers love for their child never stops.  Nor does their desire to nurture them. Or protect them at all costs.

“I just wanted to let her know that we had to go away for a while.  Not to bother calling the apartment because we wouldn't be there. And not to panic or worry if she can't get a hold for me for a little bit. I just wanted to...I don't know...”  another sigh. This one shaky and sad. “...I just wanted her to know that I love her. That I miss her. She needs to hear that.”

He nods. “I think she deserves to hear that.”

“Just in case,” Esme says, and flips the phone case closed. “Just in case.”

He drops to his knees in front of her, grimacing at the pain that shoots through his right leg. Gently pushing the hood off of her head.  His hands rest on her thighs. The weight of them heavy. Familiar. The familiarity that comes with the things that you love the most.  The smell that lingers on the belongings of the person you love,  the sound of their voice over the phone when it's the dead of the night and they can't sleep and need to call you,  the feeling of their body alongside of you.  The little things that you take for granted but would miss if one day you woke up and they were no longer there.

“Everything's going to be okay,” he assures her. “We're going to be okay.”

She shakes her head. Wanting to believe him. Needing to believe him. But not knowing where to start.  “What if all goes wrong? What if shit just hits the fan and things end up worse than before. What if...”

“Stop,” he implores. “Just stop.  This isn't like before. This is nothing like that. What happened in Dhaka was almost a year ago. Almost twelve whole months. You need to let it go. You need to put it behind you. Leave it in the past.”

The tears that escape are hot, unrelenting. Huge droplets that linger on the tips of her eyelashes before rolling down her cheeks.  He hates seeing her like this. Struggling with her own demons and the things she'd seen and heard. While his life had nearly ended on that bridge, her new one had just begun.  A life that only two short weeks before hadn't involved him.  Neither of them had even known that the other existed. Two people on the same planet, at the same time, oblivious to the wheels that were already turning. Completely unaware that fate would soon drop them in one anothers paths.  

And he wonders...not for the first time...just what would have happened if he had have just walked away. If he hadn't let her rile him up and get the best of them  that day in their motel room. If he'd just fought that unbridled lust and the overwhelming need and want to feel alive again. The desperate hunger of needing to feel as  if he mattered to someone and had something to live for.

“I can't,” she whispers. “I don't know why. I just can't.  I was the one that was there, Tyler. With you. Not just on that bridge. But in all those moments afterwards. In that hospital. In a country on the other side of the world, thousands of miles from my home. In a life that I never asked for. That I definitely wasn't prepared for. A person that I didn't even recognize any more. I gave up everything for you, only to have you completely betray me. To turn on me the very second you got a chance.”

He feels like an asshole. A complete and utter fucking asshole. And he thinks of how he should have just walked away. That he never should have given into that temptation. No matter how hard she tested him. And he can see her. Standing there in front of him in that dark, filthy motel room. Looking up at him with those huge dark eyes full of desperation.

The ghost of a lost little girl lingering under the shell of a grown woman.

She had needed to feel something. Anything. And she had  wanted him to be the one that helped her feel it.  Two people damaged beyond all repair. Finding a way to escape from their pasts. Needing to silence the tortured voices inside of their heads. Needing to feel something other than emptiness and the bitter sting of loss and bad decisions.

“That wasn't my intention. I didn't betray you. I didn't do it to hurt you. I did it because I thought it was for the best.  I did it to protect you. To protect our daughter. Not to hurt you. I would never hurt you. I told you that a year ago. When you said that you were scared. Not of me but what you were feeling towards me. And I asked you what you were scared of. Do you remember?”

She nods. And she finally touches him. Those small hands resting atop of his.

“You told me that you were afraid of being hurt. That I'd hurt you. And do you remember what I told you? Do you?”

Another nod.

“I said I would never hurt you. And I meant that. I meant that right to my very soul.  Even then.”

“But you did.  Hurt me. Whether you meant to or not. Why would you do that? Why would you make all those promises to me about never leaving unless you had to? Unless you had no other choice? You have  a choice, Tyler. And you decide to just leave me there.  Why? Why would you do that? We're stronger together than we are apart. We always have been. I've put everything I have into you. Right from day one. All my love and all my trust and you turn around and make a decision like that.”

“I didn't do it to hurt you. Or betray you. I did it to keep you safe. To protect you.”

“The only time I've ever felt safe and protected is when I'm with you. I didn't even know that was something I wanted. Or a hole that needed to be filled. Until you came along and did it.”

He reaches up to take her face in his hands. Thumbs gentle as they brush away her tears.

“Don't leave me,” she begs. A far cry from the girl she was a year ago. The one that took no shit, who never let her guard down, who refused to let anyone past the walls that she'd built around her heart. Years of being let down by the men that she had let into her life. Trusting them and giving them her all, only to be left broken and battered when it all fell apart.  She's a shell of that former woman. And he blames himself.

  “Please. Don't leave me there. Don't run off on some goddamn suicide mission. Promise me. Promise me you won't do that.”

“Esme...”

“Promise me, Tyler. Promise me that I won't wake up one morning and find you gone. You don't have to fight this battle alone. This isn't just yours to fight.”

“But it should be.”

“But it doesn't have to be. Please don't do this.  Don't drop me there and then just disappear. Don't walk away from me. From our daughter. From us.”

“I'm not walking away from anything. Not from you Not from us. Not from our baby.  I made the decision that I thought was best for both of you. To protect my family.”

“I'm scared,” she admits. “I'm scared that you're going to just disappear on us in the middle of the night. That you'll just take off and that I'll never see you again. Promise me you'll stay.  Promise me you won't do that.”

She cradles his face in her hands. Thumbs brushing against his beard, the pads grazing over his lips.  Those tortured and desperate eyes never leaving his.

“I promise,” he says. “No running off in the middle of the night. No walking away.”

“Tell me we're in this together. That you're all in.”

“We're in this together,  I'm all in. I've been all in from the start. Wasn't that obvious? When I let you seduce me in that hotel room?”

She manages a laugh, sniffling through the remnants of her break down. “You and I remember that day very differently.”

“I remember what you what you were wearing.  A black tank top and jean shorts. The ones with the hole in the left leg and a tear in the ass. I remember that your hair was damp  and you had it had it up in a ponytail. And I remember that I could taste strawberries when I kissed you.”

There was more. So much more. The little things from that day. From that moment.  The sound of the traffic on the street outside; the clamouring of cars and the blaring of horns and the chattering and shouting of pedestrians. Loud music coming from the room upstairs. The sickly heat and humidity that hung in that little room and coated their bodies in a thin a sheen of sweat. The way his blood rushed through his veins and his heart hammered in his chest and his throat tightened.  The way she stood there looking up at him, challenging him to do something. Anything.  Looking impossibly small; desperation, want, need, all visible in those eyes. There was no fear in them. Even with his hand wrapped tightly around her throat.

And when she'd touched him, the brief brush of her chest against him, every nerve felt as if it were on fire.

Things that he'd hadn't felt in a long time. Things he'd never felt that intensely.

And he could remember...clear as day...how they lay in that in that mess of rumpled sheets and sweaty, tangled limbs, utterly spent from the intensity of the sex. How his hand was in her hair as she rested with her face against his chest, her breath warm and soft against his chest.  And that he'd thought how he didn't want it to end. That he didn't want her to walk away when the job ended. That he'd hoped she saw him  as more than just some conquest and a way of filling an empty bed and an empty heart.  And how he'd worried he wouldn't be the man that she needed.

That she deserved.

No. He wasn't brave. Regardless of what she thought. Or what Ovi said. He wasn't immortal. He was just a man that tried very hard not to show the world that he was human.

“I remember being scared,” she confesses.

“Of me?”

“No. Not of you.  I was scared of what was happening. How quick it was happening.  The things I was feeling. How screwed up it seemed that it was happening where it was happening. I mean, it wasn't exactly the ideal place. Or the time.”

He agreed with that.  But even when his brain had been telling him how just how wrong it was, his heart had been telling him the exact opposite. And for once he'd followed the latter.

“But no. I wasn't scared of you. Never of you.”

He smiles, turning his face into her hand as it rests on his cheek, pressing his lips to her palm.

“I can't lose you, Tyler. I already came close. Way too close. I don't want it crossing that line this time.”

“It won't,” he promises, and places a kiss to the inside of her wrist. “I have something for you,” he says, and digs a hand into the pocket of his hoodie. “I found it. In that little box you keep in the table by your side of the bed.”

By traditional standards, it isn't much. A simple leather bracelet. Intricately braided, with one small lapis stone in the middle. She'd spied it at the market that fateful day in Dhaka; when they allowed themselves to cross over that line. And it had been what driven him to loose his temper in the the first place: the fact that she had wandered off alone when he had distinctly told her to stay by his side at all times.  And when suddenly she wasn't beside him any longer and he couldn't spy here in the sea of people, he'd become frantic. The first time in his life that he'd felt genuine panic. Nik had entrusted him with the job of keeping Esme safe. And he'd failed.

He'd lost it on her. Practically dragging her back to the hotel and then just unloading on her once the door closed behind them. The next day...while she was still sleeping and recovering from a late night of numerous rounds of incredible sex...he'd went back to the market. Searching for that same vendor so he could find out just what had captured her attention.  It was the first thing he'd ever given. Aside from a baby in her belly.  And she'd looked at that inexpensive and simple bracelet as it if were the most priceless piece of jewellery in the entire world.

It had broken on that bridge. Where he'd nearly lost his life. And she'd still hung on to it; cleaning it the best she could and tucking it away into that little box that held various other mementos of her life that she'd squirrelled away.  He didn't have much to give her. And that had never mattered to her.  But that bracelet held more value than anything else in the world.

She smiles as she sees it. Resting there in the palm of his hand.

“I fixed it for you.  And I cleaned it. The best I could.”  There are still remnants of blood.  His blood. Clinging to leather, discolouring it in places. But she still doing it.  Sidelong glances he'd give when she was feeding or cuddling their daughter. Or when she'd be sitting on the couch with her legs tucked under her, top teeth resting on her bottom lip as she immersed herself in a novel.  Or when she'd laugh at one of his stupid jokes or she played along with his teasing, the way her eyes sparkled and the corners crinkled.

His fingers are gentle against the inside of her inside of her wrist as he secures the newly repaired clasp, and she places that hand on the side of his face and leans into him. Covering his mouth with hers in a kiss that ,while soft and so sweet, still manages to take his breath away.

[shy-magpie]

RQG 153

And we're 30 seconds in and I just got hit by the realization Azu isn't going to see the sky for a week. I know its not under water in enemy territory but that also means she doesn't have a mission to distract her. I love Cel! Zolf tries to do a leadership and prep them for what to expect (since they don't need the element of surprise this time) so Cel changes form because rats are more easily entertained. Alex has to come in with the restrictions but still a nice way to remind Zolf this is not the nice neat chain of command he remembers. Yeah reverting is better than "ha ha you're now a rat all week". OctoCel! Nice! Zolf is declaring Family Game Night. Speaking of leadership, Hamid remembers this isn't season 1 and thanks Zolf instead of asking the reasonable but not productive questions of where this was last time. Alex points out the space issue again. Still not sure if he did this on purpose as a way to poke at the party and see how they react or if he just didn't design the space big enough last time and refuses to retcon an extra cell into the basement. TBF if there had been 2 cells last time, Hamid & Azu sharing wouldn't have made sense and if they couldn't hug the fandom might have never forgiven Zolf & Wilde. Oh Cel can change 4 times a day Zone of Truth or Dare Not sure if he is joking or not but Zolf getting out of conversation by melting into a wall is an image Thanks Lyd! Hamid "is fine and he can snuggle up with Azu". Thanks Bryn! Barnes makes Carter switch  so he can get some sleep Hamid is such a good person. He isn't trying to charm or justify, it isn't about abstract team cohesion. He just gives a sincere apology for not following the rules because even if he doesn't understand, he does trust that Zolf wouldn't hold him to them without reason. Zolf is great too, and tells Hamid it isn't needed Zolf has grown so GD much! He just cited his leaving and prompted Hamid to ask any questions. Oh I want everything on those 18 months but maybe Hamid shouldn't press when its so hard for him, especially when he can't leave the room if things get rough? I am so conflicted. Thats my little leader, immediately switches the focus to working together again. Ow "honestly we were never that good at working together anyway" so no rosy glasses on Zolf. Helen's gasp is, as ever, a mood Zolf still has that negative charisma. I can't explain how much I like that his mental health kick didn't turn him into a different person. Him tripping over his tongue on things like this is part of why he isn't a Zolf in name only, like I feared when I found out we were getting him back after his breakdown. Aw Azu & Cel offer them the illusion of privacy as Hamid  pretends he isn't hurt. I love Cel's hammock and their shipping. Pausing before it can be jossed, don't think he can duck this time. Called it. Okay but he did admit he cares about Wilde just not romantically and canon doesn't have to see eye to eye with fic. Carter tried to date Wilde? Or at least pursued him? God bless Hamid is cutting straight to the rank issue. Look I know I have a proper thing about rank and that respecting Hamid's growth means not treating him like season 1, but people need to know who is calling the shots in time sensitive, dangerous situations. The proper response to the suggestion they fight it out is not to point out logistical barriers Zolf points out that if Hamid actually fought they would all die which is a heck of a double edged statement. It respects his power while pointing out the collateral damage. Then he points out he would win in a no magic fight which is true but if Hamid doesn't already have a complex about his self worth & magic I'd be amazed. Azu tries to declare they aren't doing this while Hamid comes in with the lore. Because Bryn loves the listeners and wants us to be happy. Ooh if the claws aren't magic magic what about the rest? not that I want him to get pissed enough to breathe fire or whatever it was that got him scaley but at least he can't isn't relying on his wits if they encounter one of these fields in the field. Is Carter being Carter or is he stealing Wilde's bit of uniting the party in hating him? The irony that explaining why Zolf should lead is the single best proof of Hamid's leadership skills is not lost on me. A real leader puts the good of the party above any desire for rank or power. Not sure if this counts as yelling should probably mark as starting around 10 minutes in for CWs Ok I don't know why I am so pleased and surprised at these two having a direct conversation with past incidents as examples using clear language like "I was frustrated". I mean lord knows RQ told toxic masculinity to take a hike from the beginning so maybe its less surprised than grateful? They don't agree but are clearly more concerned with understanding than with getting in a pissing match. "...And I guess I'm not that old because I haven't lived through the 18 months" Look at him learning to stand up for himself while still being fair to the other side. How can you not love him? Bless, Hamid is worse than me, if I talk quick enough the right words will come out before I run out of courage right? I love the peanut gallery. Oh dear that's a tone on Zolf I'm just going to take a moment before the "but" comes in. Zolf is being fair, I don't necessarily agree but he is being fair and sounds willing to listen. Hamid spells it out in small words that the flippant tone is a coping mechanism. Zolf wants to move on to the rest of the party now that they've said what needed to be said to each other. Yeah sorry Carter, Hamid isn't going to let Zolf get lost in his own head any more than Zolf is going to let Hamid run into danger because if he thought about it he would freeze. And Carter & Barnes are sharing all the tricks. Guess Hamid isn't the only one who does better if he can merc a guy after a hard week They are having a direct conversation about Zolf leaving! Backstory! So it was a debt more than a calling Brynterval, useful I needed a laugh break too and this way I don't miss anything. They are keeping up the relationship metaphor for all its worth. It really does work though. Azu quit alluding and tell us your story. Aw he's retelling Dover! I ever tell you guys that's when I quit waiting for him and or RQ to show their bad side? The damn romance novels were like a promise they weren't going to betray the story over "what's expected". I was so braced for that stupid "pick a fight with the toughest guy in the yard to buy respect" trope. Instead they just said nope: no prison fights, no guard abuse, his biggest danger is developing an addiction to cheap books. Thank you Cel! Hamid mentioning Mr Ceiling reminds Zolf that still have Shoin's brorb. Oh the diary Zolf has more Campbells Cel is awesome and asks if Hamid want to talk about Aziza Liliana finally got mentioned, realizing Hamid was the last to know about that part of the story hurt So they might be a hivemind Carter has a nice little cache in the cell of daggers & a wide variety of booze. Carter suggests they should get so drunk their minds aren't worth hiving. Oh Cel & the Elvish mead Carter is drinking the Orcish whiskey to make a point Yeah, yeah, how the heck Hamid came through not only his life preseries but this adventure with a healthy relationship with alcohol is beyond me. Not a patch on his experience and I'm teetotal. That's arguably why it's important to have though (plus if they went anywhere with an alcoholism plot I probably won't be able to listen) Barnes has the rum and is Jeff Goldblum posing. I love one(1) low charisma man. Zolf is trying to draw Azu & Cel into conversation. Azu backstory time! A vision of Aphrodite in her dream led her to follow a wandering paladin. Little leader tucks Carter in Azu asks for Cel backstory Cel is around 97, and they were raised in America. Their Dad was a merchant sailor. The trade cut off and defenses failed destroying the town. Its time to give Hamid crap about capitalism. Zolf tells Barnes to leave off. Zolf joined the Navy because he "killed his brother"!?! Wanna try that again with details? Oh Zolf honey it was an accident. Hamid hugs Zolf while he talks. Zolf says all that then knocks stone out of ceiling in a demonstration of his powers. Hamid remembers Zolf wasn't in Cairo and starts describing the prank gone wrong and I'm just gonna take another sec because if Zolf doesn't take this the right way its gonna hurt. Did Hamid just quote Grizzop at Zolf?   Cel just declared they are staying with the party Just barely through the first quarantine episode. We might hit the same ratio as the dungeon after all. Gosh I love that theme tune

[imaginedanganronpa]

Can you please do some headcanons with the rest of the DR2 cast with the Despair Disease?

Obviously I’m excluding those who did actually get the Despair Disease canonically (Nagito, Mikan, Ibuki and Akane) but otherwise, this was really fun and I hope you like it!

V3 Cast with the Despair Disease! | SDR2 Spoilers Ahead!

The Rest of the SDR2 Cast Getting Infected with the Despair Disease!

Hajime Hinata

Revelation Disease

After coming down with the DespairDisease, Hajime would receive an intense revelation, hence the Disease’s title– afterwards, he would immediately recall his affiliation with Junko Enoshimaand his status as Izuru Kamukura. 

Unlike the Remembering Disease that affectedMikan, Hajime would not slowly put pieces together but instead his memorieswould hit him like a truck. In many ways, he would revert back to being Izuru. 

He would be much colder andcruel, as well as disrespectful towards the others. He would be more reluctant to helpothers and instead laugh in their faces while he watches them scramble around onthe island, insulting them whenever he had the chance and refusing to help during the Investigation process since it isn’t his job. 

In a twisted way, Hajime finds enjoyment out of watching them struggle and suffer since, if it wasn’t for him, they would be dead by now… and if he wanted to, he could easily kill them as well.

Hajime would likely become overwhelmed with Despair and enjoy their situation much more after being infected, succumbing to Despair and going a bit insane in the process. 

He becomes much less trustworthy and more prone to lashing out against his friends, which causes them to break away from his leadership. 

They treat him like they treated Nagito at the beginning and locked him away so he would be unable to harm anyone.

He doesn’t care about his lack of talent, contradicting how he used to be veryinsecure about it. Hajime would own up to being an average Reserve Corpsstudent and belittle the Ultimates, using his title as Izuru Kamukura to establish hisown dominance since he obtained every talent in Hope’s Peak’s history.

Hajime would be much more skeptical and a little bit unintelligent, not as quick to put pieces together during the Investigation and Trial. He’s not dumb by any means, but he wouldn’t be as sharp as he used to be. He would be more willing to let Despair win and lay down his arms.

Chiaki Nanami

Hyperactive Disease

Although her A.I.’s personality isnot totally reflective of her real-world personality, the Despair Disease wouldonly affect her A.I., meaning that it doesn’t actually flip who she really was on the outside world.

Instead of being quite sleepy and a bit aloof, Chiaki would be much morehyperactive and unable to keep her mouth shut. She would obtain a more bubbly,but annoying, personality and clings onto the other students, butting into their business and becoming much more preppy and talkative.

Because of this Disease, she no longer feels the need to sleep and instead stays up at all hours of the night, and can often be seen roaming around the island curiously. A lot of this might also be due to her mind overworking itself and being unable to fall asleep.

Surprisingly, Chiaki would be more emotional despite not having ‘true’ emotionsas an A.I. She used to normally forget to take other’s feelings into considerationand could be extremely blunt, but now she’s overly-emotional and deeply affectedby others, over-analyzing the situation with her hyperactive mind and easily misjudging how the others might react or feel, considering their feelings ‘too much.’

When a killing does occur, she would sob and show a much more pessimistic and bleak outlook on their situation. Due to this, Chiaki wouldn’t care about the Killing Game as much. She wouldn’t really see a point and it much less likely to help during the pivotal moments of the story.

She would also show a sour taste towards games and would no longer use her talent, since she thought it was useless in comparison to the others’, anyway. If Chiaki did play games while infected with the Despair Disease, she would make hastier decisions and curse at them the moment things started to go downhill.

Overall, Chiaki would be much livelier and bursting with energy, unable to contain it all and talking incredibly fast, to the point where they wouldn’t be able to understand what she was saying. 

She would practically bounce off of the walls and require the others to restrain her, and once she finally recovered from the Disease, Chiaki would collapse from exhaustion.

Gundham Tanaka

Ordinary Disease

He would be very… normal andordinary. Gundham is typically very eccentric and overly confident at times,boasting about how he is a Dark Overlord, but he would ditch that persona afterbeing inflicted with the Despair Disease.

Now, he’s just plain, with nothing very special or remarkable to define him. He shows very little to no interest in thesupernatural or dark subjects, finding them to be a bit disturbing actually. He loses his colorful tongue and speaks like a regular teenager, often using slang rather than an old-fashioned way of speaking.

He starts to think that people who believe in Overlords and Dark Magic are out of their minds, belittling his former attitudes and rolling his eyes whenever the subject is brought up.

Gundham would also become much more dependent on the others and is always veryclose in proximity to the rest of the group, often placing himself in thecenter and feeling desperate for physical touch.

Normally, he would resent this kind of contact but now he feeds off of it. Gundham needs the others to show him affection and thrives off of the contact, becoming clingier and needier than usual. He fears being alone since that places a target on his back, and he hates the feeling of solidarity.

He would love it when the others talk to him and give him attention, becoming friendlier and much more likely to strike up a conversation rather than slink away from the group. Gundham is a lot more relaxed and average after catching the Disease, and far less dramatic. He often fades into the wall and the others easily forget he is even there, which they were unable to do before.

However, Gundham is also much more cowardly. Before, he had no issue with putting himself out there when he wanted, but now he fears the potential Blackened lurking around, always peering over his shoulder.

Unfortunately, this also has negative effects on his Devas as well, because now he also shows little interest in animals and thinks that they are gross, germ-carrying creatures and keeps the four hamsters in their cages. It’s odd to see Gundham without them in his scarf, and once he is finally cured of the Despair Disease, he makes sure to apologize to his beloved animals and coddle them with plenty of attention.

Kazuichi Souda

Charming Disease

Typically, Kazuichi is a bitawkward around others, especially women he finds attractive. After the DespairDisease, he would be much more suave and smooth around those he has feelings towards.

He is comfortable and feels at ease, confident and able to charm his classmates, becoming a real Casanova and stealing the hearts of his classmates with ease, both male and female. He is more collected and takes life with a grain of salt, never worrying too much and causing the others to feel relaxed as well.

He develops a very casual way of speaking, and dresses differently, too. He is much less uptight: popping his color and walking around with a toothpick between his teeth, slicking his hair back and widely crossing one leg over the other when he sits.

Kazuichi would also be more serious and stern rather than carefree. Thedecisions he makes would be more logical and level-headed, thinking out all of his moves and planning what he is going to say and do rather than blurting out offhand comments. He is able to lie easily and convince the others into trusting them, but that all results from his charm.

Since he gains the respect of his peers after getting the Despair Disease, Kazuichi would take upa leadership role in the group, becoming braver and less afraid of theirsituation.

He wouldn’t be nearly as paranoid and instead he would be more relaxed andchilled out. He becomes the stereotypical ‘cool guy’ who does his best to calmly diffuse any hostile situations, smooth-talking his way around the others.

Kazuichi gets quieter when he is infected, but isn’t as shy, either. He simply has a smoother way of speaking that doesn’t require him to raise his voice as much; they listen to him without him needing to use force.

Ironically enough, his feelings for Sonia would disappear and Kazuichi would bemuch more interested in the men on the island as a whole instead of women…

He wouldn’t be happy once he came to his senses. He would find out that he was charming and collected, thinking he finally put the moves on Sonia, only to find out that women on the island weren’t who he was flirting with… so, Kazuichi takes several long once he is cured.

Peko Pekoyama

Cheery Disease

Peko’s normal disposition is muchmore intimidating and serious; after catching the Despair Disease she wouldbecome more giggly and childish, like your typical schoolgirl.

She can normally control her emotions and suppress them, but not anymore – shecan’t seem to hold back her tears and shows an intense fear of dying in theKilling Game. 

Typically, she wouldn’t be shaken when forced into high-stakes situations but now, she would tremble at the thought of dying, showing intense anxiety levels behind her smiles.

Her talent is useless and her past as a known killer is disregarded because Peko would likely fear the sight of blood and get physically sick at thethought, often preaching about how killing is inhumane and shying around the possibility of uncovering a dead body.

She would no longer care about Fuyuhiko, showing an intense resentment towardshim instead. Although she would be upbeat and positive, she would still show hostile and even violent tendencies towards him, disrespecting the Kuzuryuu Clan and breaking away from the thought of being his ‘tool,’ gaining some independence.

This independence can come across as selfishness, though; Peko is no longer afraid of putting herself first.

Peko would become a little bit flirty, but that would be more-so due to her newfound charismatic and sociable attitude. 

She can come across as a little bit ditsy and air-headed at times, twirling her braids in-between her fingers as she questions the others, struggling to keep up with the group consensus. This causes her to be a bit obnoxious at times.

But overall, Peko becomes a ray of sunshine in the group and is always passing smiles at her friends and trying her best to uplift them: a little bit gullible, but she always has good intentions. She is consistently showering the others in compliments and braiding the other girls’ hair.

She would often giggle, even if she doesn’t understand what was said; her Diseased personality reflects that of Ibuki’s normal one.

When she recovers from the Disease, she would attempt to erase any memories of the way she acted and deny the possibility that she was ever easygoing and carefree; as well as mend any burned bridges between herself and the Kuzuryuu Clan.

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu

Spineless Disease

The normal Fuyuhiko would not behappy with his Despair Diseased counterpart, refusing to believe that he everacted the way he did.

He becomes much more dependent on the others, relying on them for companionshipand discarding his ‘lone wolf’ persona. 

Instead, he heavily depends on others around him and needs to constantly have physical contact with the others, never straying too far from the group and often seeking out the approval and company of others, especially Peko, even if she doesn’t kindly reciprocate.

Fuyuhiko becomes much weaker and more vulnerable, considering himself to be atarget and even offering himself up as a sacrifice to the Blackened. 

He wouldbe seen sobbing and fearful of the others, telling them that they could simply kill him to escape the island since he ‘didn’t stand a chance’ anyway as he collapsed onto the floor and bows graciously. He is highly emotional, to an almost embarrassing extent.

Unlike your typical Yakuza, he couldn’t be easily angered and would have ahatred for violence, trying to break up the tension between the group but being a bit too dimwitted to contribute to or help anything. 

Fuyuhiko generally becomes scared of their situation and the fear of death within him becomes amplified; he is much more quiet and reserved, less likely to lash or speak out and apologizing for things he isn’t even apart of, similar to how Mikan acted normally. 

Also similar to her personality, he will sob at the slightest rude remark and becomes an easy target for bullying and harassment. And since he is spineless, he will no longer try to fight back and instead accept the harsh words and start to believe them himself.

Fuyuhiko is much softer, but also more fragile and it’s easy to hurt his feelings. He feels uncomfortable in stressful situations and does his best to avoid conflict - anytime someone starts to even remotely argue with him, he cowardly apologizes and flees, terrified of what might happen to him if he stays there.

He can be seen playing with his thumbs and remaining quiet in the corner, only speaking once spoken to and trying his best to disappear into the wall. But generally speaking, he will have a kind heart and warmly welcome anyone who accepts him, becoming easily attached to anyone who shows even the slightest attention to him.

Once Fuyuhiko is cured, he becomes incredibly hostile if anyone tries reminding him of his spineless nature, returning to his normal self.

Sonia Nevermind

Uncivilized Disease

Sonia was raised to be a verytypical Princess – she had strict rules which combed her into being a politeand ladylike young woman; but all of that would immediately disappear once shecatches the Despair Disease.

She isn’t very vocal about her talent and strives towards being treated andviewed as a normal Japanese student, but now Sonia would use her talent andhigh-status to force people into doing her bidding.

She would be much more rude and crass, not afraid to lash out and use colorfullanguage as she curses a lot more, both at the other students as well as Monokuma and in their situation when things started to look bleak.

Needless to say, Sonia wouldn’t be very ladylike anymore. She loses all of her good mannerisms, sitting with her legs spread open, eating with her mouth open, cursing like a sailor, and so on. 

She would be much clumsier and less poised as well, tripping and accidentally exposing herself as she does so - but anyone who says anything about it would get cussed out.

But she still insists that others do all of the work for her since Princesses don’t have to work! She looks down upon the others, viewing herself as a superior and calling her classmates ‘slaves.’

If they don’t do what she says, then Sonia will verbally berate them and borderline bullies the others, becoming quite mean and feisty. She is selfish and takes full advantage of her status as a Princess, becoming lazier and not caring about their situation as much since she is convinced that no one would kill her, since her country would go into an uproar. 

She makes comments like, “If you kill me, then Japan will go to war, and I don’t think you want that,” as she smugly smiles at the other students.

Sonia is known for being a sweetheart, but now she is much more rude and will spew hateful language that you’d never expect a high-class citizen to use, flipping off those who annoy her and turning her nose up to ‘average’ citizens like Gundham.

When she gets angry, she will physically lash out against whatever, or whoever, was closest to her, throwing punches and letting out an aggravated scream as she does so.

Ironically, she would find thrill in the chase and Sonia would start openly flirting with Kazuichi, although it’s debatable over whether or not her Despair Diseased self actually had feelings for him or if that was just part of her own amusement. 

Nekomaru Nidai

Insecure Disease

Nekomaru is easily the loudest, most boisterous and outgoing person in their class, so he has a major personality change after becoming infected with the Despair Disease.

He really lets himself go, no longer caring about his figure or athleticism and becoming much lazier than he was before. He fails to follow a real workout schedule, sleeps in often and eats plenty of junk-food as he no longer worries about training or sports.

Nekomaru stops caring about himself and the others; where he used to be their biggest motivator, he was now found often stuffing his face with food, like Akane used to, and blabbing on about how they had no hope and that they might as well give up.

He slowly becomes insecure and quiet. It isn’t normal for someone like Nekomaru to retract from the group and become reserved, but he is a lot harder on himself and amplifies his own flaws, tearing himself down in the process and wallowing in his own self-pity.

He becomes much more awkward and gives terrible advice to the others, especially Akane. His mood drags the others down since he was normally so loud and energetic, and now he doesn’t lift up his feet and hangs his head low.

Nekomaru has many negative side effects as well, becoming selfish and pessimistic. His loud, iconic laughter was nowhere to be found and he often puts himself before others, no longer willing to take one for the team if necessary, especially not for Akane.

Their relationship takes a toll after they each catch the Despair Disease because he is much less supportive of her, which negatively impacts her self esteem as well.

He can take it so far as to be rude and lash out against the others, becoming snippy and easily provoked, and Nekomaru is the last person on the island that you want to piss off. Not only does he become insecure, but easily agitated and hostile as well.

He suffers from intense mood-swings after succumbing to the Disease: one moment, he could be annoyed and hostile, and the next he could be insecure and quiet. Nekomaru also speaks more softly, rather than screaming, since he is afraid of scaring the others away.

Mahiru Koizumi

Promiscuous Disease

Mahiru is quite outspoken and canbe bossy, at least towards the men on the island. She has very traditionalviewpoints and strongly believes that men have responsibilities that womendon’t, and that they should be the ones running this island. 

Now, however, she tends to boss the other girls around while hanging allover the boys. Her opinions, as well as her personality, completely flip and her beliefs become just as compromised as her attitude.

She no longer takes responsibility of her actions and isn’t nearly as mature, which can be proven when she holds the other girls to a standard that she does not hold herself to.

Mahiru would send very flirty photos of herself to the boys, essentially  sexualizing and objectifying herself. She no longer says what is on her mind and instead says and does whatever she thinks will impress the guys, purposefully acting air-headed as well.

She becomes more ditzy and empty-headed, often acting dumb and failing to follow what the group had decided upon. She thinks with her heart and her other body parts rather than her head which in turn clouds her own decision making.

She is a true pushover, who is quite gullible and likely to do whatever she is told without much of a second thought. This makes her much more vulnerable and needs to be protected from possible killers, similar to Ibuki’s Despair Disease but not to the same extent.

While she isn’t as gullible as Ibuki, Mahiru doesn’t think as much as she used to and tends to go with whatever the group says rather than making her own choices for herself, no longer a truly independent woman.

That, and Mahiru will start to objectify the boys and flirt endlessly with them, even during the inappropriate situations like during the Investigation or in the middle of the Trial.

She becomes more childlike and clumsy, ‘tripping’ purposefully or bending over to find herself in precarious positions to attract the others, exposing herself and giggling about it, clearly trying to seduce whomever may see her. 

Mahiru obviously lacks a lot of the manners she formerly had and doesn’t care what the others think as much. Instead, she’s just trying to have a good time and becomes more careless and reckless while she’s at it. 

Teruteru Hanamura

Gentlemanly Disease

Teruteru is arguably the most lewdperson on the island, par maybe Kazuichi, but Teruteru often takes the cake,pun intended, when it comes to promiscuity.

After coming down with the Despair Disease, Teruteru would no longer make suchlewd comments or innuendos, nor would he try putting the moves on gullibleclassmates, like Sonia, or view others in that way.

He would become more serious and develop a distaste for lewd comments, oftenshaking his head at Mahiru; whenever she tries exposing herself, he would takethe liberty of covering her up with his apron to prevent the others fromseeing her in that state, and move her away from the others to maintain her dignity.

He would even scold her, as well as Sonia and Mikan, for being too promiscuous even if it wasn’t intentional.

Teruteru has much more control over his hormones and thoughts, becoming braverand taking responsibility for their situation as he tries leading the group inthe best way he can. He becomes a standoffish ‘gentleman’ who doesn’t viewothers for lewd purposes and contains his own excitement.

Honestly, he would also get extremely self-confident and more aware of the thoughtsthat run through his mind and the comments he makes, cautious as to not say ordo anything that might alarm his friends.

He shows that he values people more than he does objects or fantasies, a much more down to Earth person with clear thoughts that aren’t often clouded by lust.

Teruteru has a very serious disposition, shamefully looking down upon those who chase their own urges but this might stem from a self-conscious feeling and his own insecurities.

This doesn’t really fall under the rest of his Despair Disease, but Teruteruwould also probably speak in his very pronounced Southern accent as well since he has no reason to hide it while infected. 

He also refrains from overeating and doesn’t pride himself on his cooking as much while infected since that kind of pride can be seen as shameful and sinful. He has much more traditional views that contradict his typically shameless, bold personality.

Hiyoko Saionji

Sweetheart Disease

Usually, the Despair Disease will bringout your negative qualities and switching your personality often has itsrepercussions, but in Hiyoko’s case, she becomes a wholeheartedly genuine person.

She becomes much more graceful and holds her tongue as to not make any crude orhurtful comments, always putting the other’s feelings above her own and is hyper-aware of their emotions. 

She starts to resent harassment and no longerstands for it, especially when it is directed towards more sensitive people, like Mikan, and argues with people like Sonia who purposefully tease their peers.

Hiyoko can’t stand violence or death, especially when it comes to small anddefenseless creatures. She empathizes with the ants and crabs that she used totorment.

She would also stick up for Mikan if anyone started to give her Hell, defending her and caring for her once everything was over. Of course, the Nurse would be a bit startled by Hiyoko’s sudden compassion but she wouldn’t turn it away, either.

Her motherly instincts start to kick-in and Hiyoko becomes moreloving and protective towards her classmates, doing her best to keepthem away from danger and tending to their needs. She becomes selfless and turns into the most kindhearted person on the island, so sweet that it could make your teeth rot.

That’s something that most people wouldn’t associate with her. Perhaps her personality change is the most drastic and surprising.

Hiyoko is very mature and takes responsibility for her own actions, turning up her nose to crass jokes and innuendos and becoming the ‘mom’ figure of the group, despite her size. 

She is incredibly positive and motivating, trying to push the others towards working together and uniting her class in a peaceful harmony, insisting that the only way they can survive this is to work together and respect one another.

But in return, this makes her a little bit too trusting of others, seeing the good in everyone around her and unintentionally ignoring the bad; since she is blinded by their good words and can no longer differentiate whether or not someone is being genuine.

Byakuya Twogami (Imposter)

Confusion Disease

The issue in the Imposter’s caseis that the Despair Disease is supposed to flip your real personality, butsince he impersonates others and steals identities, the Disease gets a littlebit confused and convoluted, affecting not only his true personality but thosethat he has stolen as well, specifically Byakuya Togami’s.

Since the Imposter is a kinder, more considerate version of Byakuya who triesleading the group, he would likely revert back to Byakuya’s personality at thebeginning of his Killing Game and became a cold, cruel person who couldn’t careless about the others in the Killing Game, only himself.

He becomes more selfish and willing to sacrifice the others in order to save himself in the end, valuing his life above others and completely disregarding the leadership role he tried to originally take on.

However, since he loses his interest in being a leader, the Imposter also becomes much more cowardly and defensive when it comes to his own life and will wholeheartedly shove someone in front of him to use as a shield if necessary.

But the Imposter, while infected with the Despair Disease, has trouble discerninghimself from his personalities and identities, so he often breaks character.This, too, confuses not only himself but his classmates as well.

The Imposter switches between personalities and struggles to maintain balance, so his attitudes, beliefs, and actions can become drastically different no one ever really knows what to expect from him. 

They all begin to overlap and merge with one another, and by the time he is cured he is no longer able to tell what is a factor in his true personality and what is a trait that he has copied.

He often disassociates and there is a clear distinction between his personalities, visibly switching between them, even in the same sentence. His speech and mannerisms become more unstable since he can’t control when he switches, which is alarming and disturbing to the others and blows his cover as the Ultimate Imposter.

- Mod Rantaro

[kylandara]

Long live Queen Sansa

————-

When I hear people complain about Sansa, I ask them to list their grievances with her, and justify their complaints. Most of the time, they can’t. I’ll list a few I’ve heard.

It’s because in the first season she was spoiled and naive, a dull foil for Arya, romanticizing Joffrey, lying about Arya and Joff’s fight, and writing the letter of fealty to Robb.

Well, to that I say, she was a sheltered young girl. She was raised to be proper and polite by ned and Cat, but not taught to be worldly. It’s hardly her fault she is naive, and young people do stupid things when they have a crush, including blinding themselves to character flaws. As for lying about the fight? She was half drunk and terrified, And the letter? She was forced to write it under duress, and did so to save her father.

Another reason people complain about Sansa was because she was a weak, helpless, crying victim in seasons 2 and 3. She was still rude and entitled to Shae, and she was rude and dismissive to Tyrion on their wedding night.

Pretty pathetic in my opinion, resenting a girl, a lonely, terrified victim, constantly threatened and beaten and degraded. Not everyone can be Arya, or Daenerys. Sansa handled her situation with grace, even consoling the noble ladies during the Battle of the Blackwater. How is that not heroic? She also gets some shrewd jabs in at Joffrey, and attempts to manipulate him.

As for being rude to Shae? Cut the girl some slack, she’s in a perpetual Hell, and suddenly, a servant is providing piss-poor servitude. Sansa lashes out because a servant is the only person she has any degree of control and degree of power over. Oh, and she instantly makes amends. Christ, it’s not like she had her beaten. As for Tyrion and their wedding night She was forced the marry the ugly, scared dwarf, and a member of the vile family working against her family. She didn't want to marry him, she was forced to, and she made herself ready to consummate. Thankfully, Tyrion didn’t insist on it (as that’d be rape, by modern standards), but she still submitted. Should she have pretended to be happy about it? Who among you (complainers) would have handled the situation as well in her stead?

I’ve seen people complain in season 4 she backs Littlefinger.

This one makes no sense to me, because the same people that complain she’s weak, and foolish and used as a pawn somehow get upset she chose to play the game, and back the devil she knew rather than isolate herself again at the mercy of strangers. This was a huge step forward for her character. yes, she backed a bad person, but so what? It was within her best interests to DO so! Yeh, we all wanted justice done to Littlefinger, but, that DID happen later, now, didn’t it?

I’ve seen people complain she dismisses Brienne and because she reverts back to a victim when Ramsay’s wife.

As far as dismissing Brienne, rewatch the scene…it makes perfect sense for Sansa to chose to remain with Littlefinger and a dozen armored knights that are loyal to her safety, rather than risk going off with a stranger in Brienne, who had Pod, a Lannister man, as a squire. Additionally, Littlefinger cast doubt as to Brienne’s loyalties, or at lest her effectiveness. Sansa dismissing her was smart, and I also note that NO ONE criticizes Arya for being as dismissive as Sansa was. To her credit, Sansa SAW Brienne at Joffrey’s wedding!

The second complaint is partially warranted in my opinion. I was, originally, excited to see Sansa work from within, set herself up appearing to be a pawn and victim, and, secretly undermining the Boltons and sewing seeds of contempt and resentment between Roose and Ramsay. And, to a slight extent, she did. She did plant the seeds of doubt in Ramsay’s mind, and they may have contributed to his eventual betrayal of his father, and his subsequent murder. In a way, that means Sansa did, in a way, help avenge her brother Robb. As for Sansa crying and being helpless as she was raped, well, you’re blaming a rape victim. Plain and simple. What was she supposed to do?? Pretend to enjoy it? Ramsay not only disgusted her, he hurt her. Additionally, she and Littlefinger’s plan hedged on Stannis’ victory. When it became clear he might lose, her anxiety was justified, as the method of her liberation was now threatened. Despite this, she bravely chooses to die with dignity when threatened by Myranda, and, she bravely chose to escape with Theon.

People complain that after Sansa is brought to Castle Black, she undermines and lies to Jon.

Okay, for starters, Sansa was very kind to Jon, even apologizing for her nativity and snobbish demeanor. That’s character growth that often goes unnoticed by her critics. As for being critical of Jon’s stubborn insistence to fight the Boltons, despite being at a massive disadvantage, she was right to do so! Jon was being a damned idiot. Sansa called him out for being reckless, and her warnings to him went entirely ignored. And Sansa didn’t lie to Jon, she just withheld information, but, given HE was not giving HER her proper due/respect, paying no mind to her suggestions and not soliciting her advice, so, why should she offer him the card up her sleeve? Especially if she felt Jon would foolishly squander it? She was absolutely right to keep the information to herself, and only employ the Vale Knights when it was ideal. SHE WON THE BATTLE. Not Jon. Likewise, after HE gets named King, and accepts, usurping her rightful position as Lady of Winterfell, she shows her devotion supporting her brother, but she just voices her opinion when he makes critically erroneous decisions. Arya, fan favorite Mary Sue, seemingly resents Sansa for this, even viewing her as her season 1 personality (which is dumb given how far removed she is now from the girl she was) and even goes so far as to threaten her. Thankfully, Sansa realizes she was being manipulated by Littlefinger, and she outfoxes him, puts him on trial, and chooses her family over her useful ally. Somehow, however, some people still view Sansa as being stupid or annoying here.

Lastly, people have complained Sansa was ungrateful, unfairly rude and antagonistic to Daenerys.

Well, Sansa was again right to do so. Daenerys revealed herself to be an ambitious, power hungry tyrant in the making. Sansa recognized this. She recognized where she was manipulating Jon. And, she feared for the sovereignty and safety of her people/country. She was not unduly opposing Daenerys. Her pressing for Northern independence was right. Daenerys comes across far more petty and vicious in their little rifts anyway. Sansa may be snide, but Daenerys outright threatens her host, publicly and privately.

And, many people can’t even cite why they hate Sansa with examples. They simply articulate their opinion saying she’s selfish, rude, unlikable, weak or annoying. Even after I explain how she’s actually, by series end, benevolent and selfless, polite courteous, strong and inspiring, they concur my logic and examples are accurate, but, they remain steadfast in their dislike. When I encounter that I assume one of two things. One, people cannot move past their very first opinion of her. That she was all of those traits, initially, they cannot move past seeing her that way, and despite her years of growth and long, dynamic character arc, they choose to still see her negatively, and therefore magnify her flaws (real or imagined), and mitigate her strength and successes. The second is, some people (especially a contingency of women) resent her for being a character who overcomes her adversity and rises in power in a more traditionally feminine way. The same people that loved Daenerys for burning men alive and being “a bad bitch, the Queen Bee, empowering”, or cheering on Arya becoming a sociopathic killer because “she’s a bad ass, you go girl!”, or even rooting for Cersei cannot stand that Sansa suffered through the indignity and degradation that came with being a woman (and all subsequent gender role expectations) in a violent, medieval, patriarchal world. They hate her because she cried, or was raped, or was initially naive, or wanted to be a Lady, that she as dependent on men, and that she would submit to her brother, a man. Resenting her for these reasons speaks volumes about those that criticize her, as they choose to ignore or dismiss her ascent in power and skill because she was not, essentially, always dominant in doing so. Her more nuanced, and, realistic character arc/growth wasn’t as sexy, fun, and gratifying as say Arya’s or Daenerys’.

So, no, Sansa doesn’t annoy me. I find hers to be possibly the story best character arc, and I think she’s a woman of strength, wisdom and grace, who has come the farthest from where she began, suffered some of the worst hardships, persevered, and grown into a better person, and a fantastic and successful monarch.

[kingdomdivide]

“Farewell was a useless, short filler episode where nothing new was established.”

[Spoilers for Farewell/BtS/LiS, TLDR @ end, and a short Bay>Bae to Bae>Bay conversion confession].

I have to disagree. Whether you’re raising the Pricefield, Amberprice, or Grahamfield shipflag (among any others out there), I think this episode was a very important tool for us as players to better understand Max and Chloe’s relationship (platonic or otherwise). I’ll tell you why.

It highlights how incredibly anxious and hypersensitive Max was, even as a young child.

If you’ve played Farewell, you know there’s a decision that is a reoccurring theme throughout the episode, one that Max internally stresses and worries over in great detail: whether she should tell Chloe she’s leaving soon, or put it off for the last possible moment in order to enjoy one of their last days together before she moves. Nearly all of Max’s internal dialogue points to how worried and anxious she is about leaving Arcadia and telling Chloe that she won’t be around for much longer. She attaches sentimental meaning to everyday objects like umbrellas, and every object she observes brings about remorse or guilt, because she knows she might never see the house or its inhabitants again.

We knew in LiS that Max was a quiet, shy, socially awkward and introverted girl who had trouble expressing her feelings, but with Farewell it’s now established that she’s always been like this. I relate a lot to Max’s character. I’m anxious, introverted, often times awkward, nerdy, and a deep thinker. My mind never stops working, and with the help of my anxiety, I overthink everything, much like Max does. She agonizes over a decision we think should be rather simple: Chloe’s going to find out by next week you’re not going to be there, so why is it so hard to tell her you’re going?

Along with all the other traits above, I think Max is incredibly empathetic, if not sympathetic. I believe she’s one of those people that channels into other’s emotions, and can feel what they feel, on some level. With all of that combined, she hates letting people down, or being the cause of someone else’s strife. This would lead to her doing everything and anything she could to avoid it; thus, overthinking.

Get to the point, you’re telling me. Okay.

As anxious as Max is, one thing nobody can deny is how much she cares about Chloe. If she didn’t, leaving wouldn’t have been has hard as it was the day of William’s funeral. You can tell everything in Max is screaming not to leave Chloe (her body language, double taking at the funeral as if to rush back to her side), but she has to. I’m sure you remember the “I’m sorry” video tape (my feels do). Max had enough foresight to make a tape for Chloe to listen to, presumably multiple times, delving into her feelings and anguish of leaving, and telling Chloe under no uncertain circumstances that she loves and cares for her immensely, and always will. Young 13 year old Max may not have known how to deal with grief that intense, especially someone else’s, but she knew enough to know that things might not last forever.

With her anxiety, nervous nature, and her intense guilt (over something she didn’t ask for and didn’t cause), Max knew things might fall apart further. I’d like to say Max even knew she’d hold herself back from reaching out once she got established in Seattle. Children in general are constantly juggling homework, school, and free time. How on earth is an inexperienced 13 year old going to know how to deal with moving away from her best friend in her time of need, the very same year Chloe lost Bongo and her dad. It isn’t reaching to say that Max carried that guilt of leaving with her, and as days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, she petrified herself with fear, and assumed it’d be better off if she stayed silent, because she’d gone so long without so much as a simple hello. Reaching out after radio silence that implied Max didn’t care was more apt to damage Chloe even further, and that’s the last thing Max would want to do.

I think far too many people criticize Max like she should have known how to deal with everything. At 13 I could barely deal with a deceased pet, I can’t imagine having to deal with the death of an adult in my life who was such a prominent role model. I think Max went into shock, and because she moved away, she never had time to accept that William was really dead; unlike Chloe who could walk past his now half empty room and desolate garage on the daily.

All of this sets up LiS and explains why Max waited so long to tell Chloe she was back. She ghosted her best friend after moving away for five years. How incredibly cruel would it be to show up after that long and call her up as if all those years of silence hadn’t happened? It’d be equivalent to slapping Chloe right across the face, in my opinion. Speaking of Chloe, we learn more about her character, too.

It shows Chloe is understanding of Max’s circumstance.

In Farewell, we see the most innocent version of Chloe Price we’ve ever seen. She’s a young preteen with a strong heart, fostered by two loving parents who are incredibly loving and supportive of both each other and their daughter. She might cuss now and then like a sailor (or pirate), but that doesn’t take away from who she is at her core, which is a friendly and optimistic child.

Let’s talk about that important decision of Farewell again, to tell Chloe or to not tell her.

Regardless of your choice, Chloe knew Max was leaving soon. From the very beginning of the day, and even earlier than that, Chloe overheard her parents talking to Max’s about the impending move. Chloe doesn’t hold this against Max at all.

When Max is struggling for the words to begin explaining, Chloe purposefully interrupts her and changes the subject to something lighter. Chloe planned out the day to have as much fun as possible on one of their last days together, something Max herself didn’t want to ruin with bad news. Instead of getting angry or sad, Chloe lives in the moment, playing pretend like the two of them had no more responsibilities than their eight and nine year old selves.

When I first played Farewell, I misinterpreted Chloe’s dialogue whenever she referenced things that’ll take place once Max is gone (like when she mentions in two weeks -time the leaves will be big enough to pile dive onto). I didn’t think she was oblivious to Max leaving, but I thought she was trying to bait out the information from Max. Almost like catching her in a lie, or forcing her to confess (something I believe the LiS Chloe would have absolutely done).

But as I write this, I’m reminded of what the entire day consisted of: make believe. The two girls delve into their imaginary world that they created together to pretend for a little while longer that nothing else mattered, and that nothing would change. I don’t think Chloe referenced the future with any malice; in fact, I think she was enjoying the illusion as much as Max; for a little while longer, she let herself believe they were two best friends who would never stop having these adventures.

Other little details point out that Chloe knew all along, even if you decide not to tell her. The random hug filled with a goopy confession of “You’re the best, you know that Max Caulfield”, Chloe’s constant positivity, lightly brushing off any attempts Max makes at being sappy, and the beach-side secluded hangout she imagines up with Max, all for the sake of not ruining the moment.

If you do choose to tell her, Chloe admits she knew Max hated conversations like the one they were having, and would have been okay if Max had never found the strength to tell her. Immediately after having the heartfelt moment, Chloe rushes off with Max in hand to “find something fun to do”, forever persistent to not let the bad news ruin their day together.

If you’ve played LiS, you know how completely opposite of Chloe this sounds. Chloe is bitter and uses her grief as a weapon against Max constantly to make her feel guilty (even though Max always has).

Five years, you’re telling me. Five years and Chloe is still entrapped in this bitterness towards Max, William, and recently Rachel. Shouldn’t she have gone through this already, you ask? Shouldn’t she be over it? Well, no.

Grief is different for everyone. Telling someone to simply “get over it” is pretty ignorant (although I don’t condone using grief as a weapon). People have the right to their grief, and there’s no allotted time period where grief suddenly stops. The five common stages are, Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Some people don’t go through every stage. For some, stages happen together or all at once, and can be repeated over any timeframe. We see Chloe go through all of these, and even repeat the cycle.

How is that relevant to the Farewell Chloe? Well, we see who Chloe is at her core. Max has always kind of been her center, or a solid foundation. Chloe admits Max can read her better than anyone, and that life at Blackwell wouldn’t be so bad if she could have Max at her side to re-center her from getting swept up in the meaningless trifles. Max reminds Chloe who she is, and brings out the very best in her, her true self; probably the girl she always wanted to be.

This theme rings true in Life Is Strange. Throughout her time with Max, we see Chloe change, even if Max lets herself ‘let loose’ and do some rather reckless things while inspired by her punk friend. The angry mask comes off, and Chloe starts reverting back to her old self: the selfishness, anger, bitterness, and immaturity ebbs away until we’re left at the cliff in Episode 5, where the girl who thought the world was against her is ready to sacrifice her life to save the town she used to hate so much.

I think it’s incredibly important to remember the origins of these characters. Your early life surely doesn’t have to define you, but these two had an amazing start. They could have conquered Blackwell together, if things had been different.

It’s one thing for Max to write in her journal or tell Chloe that she’s remorseful; it’s another thing to live through the character’s eyes and truly see the story from their side. That’s what Farewell did, at least for me.

From Bay>Bae to Bae>Bay: Conversion Story

I used to choose Bay>Bae. I played Life Is Strange as it released, episode after episode, and I strongly defended the idea of saving Arcadia Bay over Chloe Price, who is a character close to my heart. My logic was along the lines of most people when confronted with the “there’s ten people on one train track and one person on the other; a train is coming towards the ten people, do you switch the tracks?”. It just made sense to me. Life Is Strange back then, for me, was a poetic message about how you don’t always get the chance to say goodbye or change life altering events. It gave Max the chance to do both of those things, and live out the bittersweet “what if” that nobody on this earth ever gets. The ending felt beautiful for me, and rocked me to my core, and continues to be the only other media I can’t replay without crying as hard as the first time (the first instance being Episode 5 of Season 1 of Tell Tale’s The Walking Dead).

At some point during Before the Storm, I realized I wasn’t okay with leaving Chloe Price on that bathroom floor. I’d played Oxenfree (such a good play) in that time-frame, and watched a few movies that dealt with time travel and the laws and physics behind it. While my knowledge is muddy and confused, I do know one thing: if what I understand about time travel is correct, there isn’t any reason for me personally that I wouldn’t pick Chloe.

If the fan theories are correct, timelines are infinite. The reality where Chloe lives and dies both coexist. Even if the theories are wrong and only Max’s current timeline exists, I can’t pick the reality to live in where Chloe is dead and Max has to be on her own. She lived through a lifetime of trauma that consisted of a single week, and nobody in her entire life will ever understand or be able to help her cope. Going to a therapist will only go so far when you can’t really get into the real details.

Coupled with a couple other practical things (how natural disasters are a natural occurrence and that it’s ludicrous for a city stationed by a huge bay not to have flooding or storm protocols/shelters), Before the Storm really tipped the scales for me. Rachel’s screaming really hinted at something far beyond a simple fit of grief in my eyes. Call me a conspiracy theorist (though I consider myself a rational person), but it really felt like Deck Nine was hinting that the storm really was Rachel’s. It’s never explicitly said, but you saw those fires and the complete force behind her screams. Call it a coincidence, but I’m not going to kill Chloe if there’s a drop of a chance that the storm is Rachel’s.

I knew a “Rachel Amber” in school. I’ve been caught in the trap and manipulation that Rachel Amber embodies. Don’t get me wrong, I fell right along with Chloe into the rush it was to be near Rachel Amber, and I don’t believe the young woman deserved to die. I can appreciate her character while not agreeing with her decisions. But having already been burned by fire in my personal life, I started noticing red flags way before Chloe did, and my guard was never completely surrendered over like when you first get flamed by someone like that.

Playing Farewell wasn’t the nail in the coffin, but it was close enough. I understand that in life, things aren’t perfect, and we don’t always get the ideal. People who deserved more don’t always live the life we think they’re destined to. Good lives are cut short for unjustifiable reasons.

I’ve always loved the practicality and realism Life Is Strange portrays, or tries to. I love how the heavy hitting subjects aren’t shied away from or made into a fairy tale (like an ending where Rachel Amber doesn’t die). And while the Bay ending may always hold a reverence in my heart for being my original choice (and a choice I still feel has an immense amount of emotional impact) if I were Max myself, there would be no way I would be able to sacrifice my best friend (and determinant love), whether they were willing or not.

Max’s voice actor Hannah Telle actually delved into this decision and admitted that although previously choosing the bay herself, now, she wouldn’t be able to decide to lose someone she loves on the cliffside (I saw the video linking on Tumblr, for the life of me can’t find it anymore). With her parents safe, and the person she cares about most in the world right next to her, why would she?

I think both decisions have valid arguments, and none of the characters in the game are flawless or unmarred by their own decisions. For me, personally, Chloe Price deserves to live on. And I think Farewell gave us the chance to see that the person she is at her core deserves to be saved.

TLDR: Farewell was a good insight into the person Chloe Price used to be before tragedy changed her life. It shows Chloe’s immense potential, as well as highlights all her good qualities that are buried deep in Life Is Strange. Farewell also expands and sets roots for Max’s character and her flaws. We find out she has always been nervous, anxious, and hypersensitive to events around her. It sets a basis for and explains why Max acted the way she did during her absence from Arcadia Bay, but also stresses how much Max has always cared.  

 It was more beneficial to see these events take place than to take Max’s or Chloe’s word for it in a journal entry, as narrators can be unreliable when clouded by opinion or bias.

All in all, I recommend this episode (more aptly called a bonus as it is considerably shorter than normal) for anyone who wants a glimpse into the pureness of Max and Chloe’s early friendship. 

[rhyswritesdbhgarbage]

A Work In Progress: Part One

((Yeah, the title is a pun. That's who I am. If you like this hit me up with some likes or requests or anything honestly)

It was a terrible job, but you loved every minute of it. You hated seeing the torn apart, barely functioning, sometimes practically demolished androids standing in your workroom as you clocked in for the day. But you loved fixing them.

It was a childhood dream, working on robots. You grew up and went to college for it. And now, here you are, working at one of Detroit's many subsidiary Cyberlife repair shops. Not one actually owned by Cyberlife, of course, those places take years of  experience to get into. You just work at one that used to be a Starbucks… or maybe a cell phone store? You can't exactly recall.

You push open the door and the small bell attached to the doorframe announces your arrival.

“It's not too heavy a workload today [Y/N]!” Kyle, the store owner, shouts from his office, “If you finish up early, you could take off?”

“Sounds like a plan, Kyle,” you say as you unlock your workroom and grab the customer forms out of the folder on the wall.

“Really? Two complete breakdowns and you think it's an easy day,” you mutter to yourself. You set your bag down in the chair at the desk and turn to face the wall of horrors that awaits you. There are three androids, and you make your assessments quickly.

One with a simple optical issue; pop out the eye unit, pop in a new one, call to collect. That will be done in no time. You read her file and then slide it into her hand. You try to ignore how small it is compared to your own. It's easier to stay focused this way. Don't think of them as people and it makes your job easier. Or at least less painful.

The other two though… they might take a lot longer. They look like they've been to Hell and back. One literally has scorch marks on his arms, metal exposed through the melted flesh. The other might have fallen down some stairs? You doubt it was an accident. They come with gyroscopes built in for balance. No reason an android falls unless someone intends it to. You place the respective papers near their feet and head to the parts room.

The parts room is clean and orderly, how you arranged it, with a new shipment package laying next to the door. Kyle doesn't understand how you know which part is which, and you've told him multiple times that you just match the serial number on the part to the serial number on the drawers, and that they are sorted alphabetically, but he either doesn't care or he's too lazy. You suppose it's the latter.

You open the drawer full of optical units compatible with the YK500 unit. Shifting through the parts, you find one in the matching color and head back into your workroom. The repair is simple, and you turn her back on.

“Hello, little one.” Your voice is delicate, your words soft spoken so as not to frighten her, “Can you run a self diagnostic for me?”

Her LED blinks blue and yellow for some time before she responds, “Everything is in working order, ma’am.”

You nod to her response, “And how did the optical unit get damaged?”

“My brother and I, we were just playing around, and he pushed me. I fell into the corner of the stairs.” She recounts this event with no out of place emotions. Simple and clean. Not traumatized, or angry. “When can I go home?”

“When your parents come to pick you up dear,” you grab the file and dial the number into your landline on the desk. No one answers, so you leave a brief message. “Looks like it'll be a bit. Do you want to stay on while you wait?”

The android peeks around the corner into Kyle's office and waves. You know he waves back without even seeing him. “You can hang out in here and I'll call your parents again in a bit, okay?” His voice is also soft. She skips into his office and immediately starts chattering on about the room and her brother. The two of you treat these androids like fellow human beings, which is more courtesy than their owners show them.

A slight noise startles you from thought. You turn to see the HK400 android spark back to life. His LED frantically blinking red.

“Hey, man. Calm down, you're safe.” Instinctively, you raise your arms up towards your chest, a movement fashioned like a peaceful surrender. He was supposed to be off. Why was he on? “My name is [Y/N.] I'm going to repair you. What's your name?”

“They call me… Ned.” The android shifts nervously, his LED never changing from its bright red color. You have seen this before. You hate your job. It blinks yellow briefly, immediately returning to red.

“There are a few damaged parts, some beyond individual repair. Replacements are necessary. I am only able to function at 79% optimum capacity.” He is straight forward despite being alert and alarmed.

You gently reach out a hand towards him, keeping your other hand drawn to your chest, “May I touch you? I need to run my own assessment.” The android nods, yet shifts uncomfortably under your touch. “Looks like you have a faulty thirium pump. This is the wrong unit for your model, they aren't fully compatible. Give me a moment.”

You grab the proper pump from your parts room and return. The HK400 is now sitting in your chair. The other android is gone.

“Where did the PL600 go?” Ned shifts uncomfortably in the chair and his eyes flick over to the set of lockers in the back of your office. “Alright Ned, now I need you to take a deep breath.” You know this is unnecessary, but you know that it relaxes some androids regardless. “Hold it. Now we're going to do that again, but this time I'm going to replace the pump alright?”

Ned nods and breathes in deeply. Your hands move swiftly so as not to disrupt the active flow in his body. Out. And in. Ned's breathing stutters as he exhales. Then it returns to its programming. He is a little bit calmer now, knowing that your intentions are good. “What else needs fixing?”

“I am functioning at 84% now. My thirium supply is still low and my left ear is ringing slightly.”

You grab a pair of magnifying eyeglasses off the desk, as well as a screwdriver. You stare intensely at the back of Ned's auditory input. Pulling it out of his head gently you turn to place it on the desk. Normally, this is the part where you sit down.

“[Y/N], do you require your seat?” Ned starts to stand up from the chair, but your hand on his shoulder stops him from rising

“Not now, Ned. You need it more than I do.” A few twists and turns and the part opens up. A few of the wires are shorted out and you open a drawer on the desk, pulling out new, loose wiring. The process is simple, but it does take its time. You pull out the old wiring, trim the new one, solder it into place on the board and screw it back together. “That should do the trick.”

Ned grabs the part out of your hand and reinstalls it himself. He hums slightly to himself, testing out the hearing. He gives you a thumbs up.

“I am now at 93%, all I need is a resupply and I can head back to my owner.” You pull out a packet from your pocket that you had grabbed in the parts room.

“Let me know if you need more Ned. And please see Kyle before you leave.”

He opens the packet and starts to drink it. You hand him his file from the floor, “take this to Kyle when you see him if you don't mind.”

The folder in his hands looks heavy. It weighs on your conscious that in those papers he is referred to only using numbers. His name is Ned. You force yourself to remember this as he leaves the room and heads into Kyle's office. You hear the door chime and the little YK500 rush past Ned cheering happily for her family's arrival. They seem genuine in their concern for her. You notice Ned’s LED flashing yellow as it tries to process this emotion he is witnessing. He has known nothing similar. Most of the adult models don't. It tears into your heart.

But you have more work to do. Shutting the door to your workroom, you grab the last file of the floor and begin reading. The PL600 was caught outside while running errands by a rowdy group of anti-android protesters with no regard towards their almost human counterparts. You sit patiently at your desk, staring at the lockers.

“I know you know, but my name is [Y/N]. You can come out whenever you're ready.”

There is no noise from the lockers, but you can see the faint light from the android’s LED shining through the cracks. It blinks between yellow and red, almost feverishly, as if he is trying desperately to separate his fear from his need for repair.

Turning around you grab one of the parts on the desk that need repaired and start tinkering with it. This is going to take a while.

After shifting through and repairing two parts, you hear the locker creak open. You turn around slowly so as not to startle thw android.

“[Y/N]? You're… you're good to our kind. Much better than the few humans I have come into close contact with. I appreciate that.”

Our kind? He appreciates that? You have not heard an android speak like this before. He shifts nervously still, removing himself  from the locker he hid himself in.

“There are very few people like you in this world. And we need more of you.” He places his hand out for you to take, and you return the gesture, still moving slowly.

“My name is Simon.” His LED flashes yellow, “I just really need this skin repaired. The skeletal structure is merely dented.”

His calm composure after having hidden away from you is almost startling. You begin to wonder if he reverted back to his programming before he speaks up again.

“I may have…” he pauses to find his wording, something most androids do not do, “alternative work for you. It would be on a volunteer basis, as we do not have any money. But there is compassion in you [Y/N] that I have not yet seen in a human.”

You grab a scalpel off your desk and start gently cutting away the melted synthetic flesh. The good thing about the synthetic is that is is self-repairing, but only on minor cuts and scrapes. You stand up and head to the door.

“I just have to get a patch for that. Don't hide from me Simon.”

A slight smile sneaks across his lips as he nods. You leave the room and close the door behind you. As you cross the hall into the parts room, Kyle yells.

“Hey, [Y/N]! The girl was picked up and Ned has paid and left. We only have the PL600 and he sort of wandered in by himself. No one else has come in so I'm going to shut up shop. Just lock the door on your way out, alright?”

“No problem, Kyle!” You respond, having found what you were looking for and heading back into your workroom.

You hear the bell chime one last time as Kyle leaves and locks up. You don't bother shutting the door this time.

“I've been told that this causes some minor sensations, but it's just reconnecting to your system. I know you don't feel pain, but I'm not sure about discomfort, so I figured I would warn you.” You smooth the patch over the metal of Simon's exposed skeleton. He makes a face, almost surprised but then immediately returning to stoic. The LED flashes yellow again. Simon opens his mouth to speak but before he can, you've slipped your bag over your shoulder and put out your hand.

“Don't worry,” you smile, “I'm in.”

“Good,” he shakes your hand, sealing the deal, “We have a WR400 and a PJ500 who need a few repairs. Could you… grab the parts we would need or would they need to be paid for?”

You grab an invoice slip from your desk and note begin noting parts that are compatible with those models, and walk into the parts room, stuffing the necessary parts into your bag. You note the date on the form and sign it, placing it on Kyle's desk.

“I'll have Kyle take them out of my check. If you come to trust him, I'll inquire about expanding our efforts for you.”

Simon nods, “Thank you, [Y/N].”

You both exit the building, the bell chiming behind you as you lock up for the night.

You hate your job.

You love your job.

You just wish this world was kinder.

[hitodama89]

I found a bunch of neat questions meant for Esk characters/community from dA (/originally from Discord) and decided to fill in some of them, skipping the ones I wouldn't have any interesting answers for. I'm sorry in advance if the read more -cut doesn't work, because this will be a loooong one!

“For your esk who in some way or another form words, how do you hear their voice? Accents, age, speaking mannerisms?”

Weary's voice is slow, low and masculine, Elsie's somewhat high, girly and uncertain, Song's happy, chirpy and androgynous in childlike manner, Curse's raspy, hissy and something you could imagine hearing in a bad horror movie, Poe's fast-paced and androgynous until he gets nervous and his pitch starts to rise fast, Nessie's so incredibly low that the voice is more felt rather than heard.

“Is there a particular song (or something related) that you associate with your esk?”

I'm bad at finding fitting songs for my characters, but there are a couple ones:

Elsie: Running by Kállay-Saunders and Fireflies by Technicolour

Song: pretty much every song that sounds anything like these

“What do your esks think of strangers entering their domain?”

Weary follows them warily from a distance, Elsie is afraid of them, Song tries to make friends with them, Curse tries to scare them away or even harm them, Poe wants to interact with them but often is too timid to do so, Nessie doesn't care or is amused by them.

“One of the things mentioned on the guide is that esks tend to have a habitual way of affecting their environment. How do your esks shape, influence, or damage the world around them?”

Weary has tried to keep its environment clean (in the expense of its own wellbeing), Elsie makes things like rock arrangements around her haunt pond, Song collects trinkets to their home, Curse protects all felines in its territory, Poe makes notes like arrows and symbols in the ground, Nessie has inspired a lot of legends among the humans that live close by.

“Gender is largely not something an esk thinks about a lot or has to worry about in their daily life, but if your esk has any opinions on how they present/gender views how do they feel about it, and would they be accepting of any revelations time might bring?”

All of my Esk could be called agender, but some of them are that more firmly than others. Poe and Elsie are the only ones who feel drawn to the concept of genders enough to use gendered pronouns, but even they wouldn't really straight-out call themselves male or female; the pronouns are more like a remnant of their past lives that they don't want to let go of. Then there's Weary, who seems pretty masculine by its appearance, voice and demeanor, but its conscious mind doesn't care about such matters at all. (But maybe in some level it does associate itself with masculinity, as I'd assume Esk's mind does affect the form they take when they are transformed.) And the rest of the gang, Song, Curse and Nessie, are completely agender in every way. Gender has never been important to any of them and likely never will.

(As a side note: the reason why all of them are more or less agender is because I myself don't understand genders all that well and I find the idea of gender not really mattering for eternal ghosts pretty comforting.)

“Who are your Esk's friends, why do they hang out with them/ Where? Why are they important to that characters development”

All of my Esk are tangled into each others' lives in some ways. Elsie was tranformed by Weary and their lives have since gone very much hand in hand. Song and Poe were both transformed by Nessie and all of them are friends with each other, even if they don't hang out with each other all the time. Curse is the only one who is still somewhat of an outlier, but even it is already aquinted with Poe so I'm sure it'll get to hang around with the rest of the gang eventually (even if it likely doesn't want to, hahah).

I've tried to build relationships to other people's Esk as well, but so far those haven't gone further than one or two pictures of them hanging with each other. I know it's mostly because I'm intimidated by the group's Discord and don't hang around there plotting stuff together with people, but what can I do.

“What if your esk suddenly reverted back to their original form? How would they feel? How would it affect their surroundings? What would they do? Do they blend in with the current period, or is there a woolly mammoth in town square now”

Oof, that would be a bit nasty experience for most of them! Nessie as a Plesiosaurus would be the only one outwardly completely out of place, but none of the others would be having good time either. Curse would hate being just a regular small cat again, without powers to torment those who it bears grudge towards. Weary and Poe could technically continue living their lives as humans, as they were both adults when they were transformed, but Song and Elsie were just kids during that so blending in to society would be likely pretty difficult for them, as they wouldn't be able to live on their own just like that.

“If your esk was a human, what time period did they live in and how did this effect their design? Are they strong? Cowardly?”

Out of all of my Esk Weary, Elsie, Song and Poe were humans before their transformations. Amusingly oldest of them is Song who went missing during 1940s. After that comes Poe, transformed in 1970s, then Weary who became Esk somewhere around 2010 or so and finally Elsie, who canonically has been an Esk for a year or two by now. I don't feel like the time periods really affected the designs of their Esk forms, as I've mostly created their Esk designs first and only then built their characteristics around that.

“Does your esk have a unique communication tic, verbal or otherwise? Must they begin or end all their sentences with specific words or phrases, or is the mental imagery they project always tinted with something or features something unnatural?”

I'm not really sure what counts as a "tic" in this sense, but they all definitely have their quirks. Weary doesn't really see Esk as living creatures and talks about all of them as "it", Elsie stutters easily by repeating letters and syllables, Song tends to have difficulty separating facts from fiction and telling completely made-up stories as if they had happened to them for real, Poe rambles a lot and stutters by repeating whole words, Curse stretches S-letters like it was hissing and Nessie mostly communicates by sharing visions and feelings through telepathy instead of words.

“Why does your esk look the way they do? do they resemble their past species? does something in their manifestation reflect their state of mind, or ironically contrast with it? is their nature feature significant to their story? did they go through form changes and if so, why?”

The meta answer of course is that they all look they way they do because that's what I wanted, hahah. But all of their appearances do have some correlations with their stories, too: Weary was climbing to a mangrove tree in order to escape from a crocodile that attacked it before it got transformed. Elsie's link is more mental than physical: she was a scrawny kid stuck in a devastating home situation and she spent a lot of time dreaming of the day she'd be a gorgeous adult woman who would have the power to leave all of that behind, so she turned into a graceful, lithe Esk. Song's father was a sponge diver and human-Song was looking for the sponges that had been killed by a deadly algae bloom when they got lost. The white spots on Curse are the same ones that got burned by mean kids when it was still a helpless cat. Poe got his heart broken by his friends so as an Esk he manifested an Enchantment called Guarded heart. Nessie was, well, a Plesiosaurus.

“What are your esks relationships and/or opinions of the wanderers of their biomes?”

Weary is intriqued by Seventh, Elsie fears Seventh like crazy, Nessie is good friends with Makoa. Rest of them don't know much if anything about their respective Wanderers.

“How do your Esk relate to their familiars and what made them manifest in the first place?”

I haven't mostly given much reasons for why my Esk sometimes manifest new features; it's just something that happens over time. For Elsie her fireflies are with her almost all the time and she tends to feel really lonely without them. (Btw I draw them usually as just simple glowy dots, but I always put at least some thought into their placement and what they are actually doing in the picture!) On the other hand the betta fish she only manifests in her Haunt is more like a pet to her rather than an extension of her own spirit and she likes to spent time watching it do its fishy things. Song doesn't really think of their sponges as anything more or less than what they are: immobile simple creatures that are part of the Esk, much like their nature features. Then there's Curse and its ghostly cats. They are very strictly under Curses (uncoscious?) command, going to places where the Esk wants to go and tormenting those it wishes to harm.

“What object from your esks past resonates with them the most? Up to date what object do they now have a connection with? Does it have a connection to the past, present, or future?”

Quite morbidly the only keepsakes from Weary's past it has kept around are its own human bones that lie in the heart of its Haunt. Elsie on the other hand incorporated the feathers that were attached to her backback into her Esk form, so they must've been quite special to her. (In the process the feathers of course turned from physical ones to incorporeal.) Song doesn't have any items from their past life, but unlike my other Esk they have gathered a ton of trinkets during their adventures as an Esk and they treasure them all dearly. Poe's dearest possession is a notebook he got during a mysterious quest: he is sure it's connected to his past somehow, but he hasn't yet figured out how exactly. Curse and Nessie don't really have important items, worldly or otherwise.

“When your picking an esk's boundary and biome do what makes you drawn to that location? Do you like spreading your esks around the globe? keeping them close to home? Or putting them in one area so they can interact?”

All of my Esk (except Nessie who is an Abnormal and can move around freely) live in Everglades because I want them to be able to interact with each other naturally. I don't really remember why I originally settled on Everglades specifically: Weary's, my starter Esk's, boundary is mangrove swamp, but I of course could've picked a different swamp or even an imaginary one if I would've wanted to. I guess it was just the easiest to settle on a real-life location because I'd need to be googling a lot of stuff related to the vegetation and such of the habitat anyway, and maybe Everglades was the first mangrove swamp I could remember by name from the top of my head? I have never been in Everglades as I don't live even in the USA, but amusingly I've learned enough about it that I once even recognized its shoreline from a map I encountered randomly on the internet.

“Whats the meaning behind your esk(s) name? Do they have any nicknames or things that were called behind their back? when naming your esks do you stick to human names or things in nature? How did your esk find their name?”

All of my Esk have longer full names and a shorter nicknames that I mainly use while talking about them out of convenience. Weary's full name is The Weary Eyed One. It's just a descriptor that other Esk have used when talking about it for long enough to be turned into an actual name, but canonically Weary can also introduce itself as Tired or Sleepy or anything along those lines; it doesn't really feel the need to settle on any one real, permanent name. Elsie's name is Someone Else and it was made up by Weary after it had transformed her. Elsie doesn't actually like the name but she adores Weary too much to say it out loud, but when encountering new Esk without Weary's presence she tends to call herself just Elsie, as it sounds more like a human name to her. Song of the Abyss named themselves after deciding to dedicate their afterlife to exploring all the corners of the world's oceans. It also tells something about their relationship with life and environment, as when they say that they are "a song" they mean it literally: they aren't a singer, but the actual voice of the ocean, in a way part of the ocean itself. (I have never been able to put into words what I mean by this an a truly satisfactory way...) Curse's full name is Cat's Curse and it was given to the urban legends inspired by its haunting by humans. Poe's name Just Poe comes from his habit of introducing himself humbly as "just Poe"; irl it comes from the fact that I had trouble figuring out a full name for him and I asked in my mind if "I could really call him just Poe?" And then there's Xilladenanessfeali, whose name is supposed to evoke the feeling of language being something very different back in the day millions of years ago when they were named.

The names of my Esk tend to be quite wild because I find the idea of naming them with human-like names extremely boring; intead I wanted the names to hint at how different an Esk's existence and sense of self must be compared to that of humans or animals.

“What do you imagine would have happened to your esk if they were never transformed?”

(First of all a depressive text warning; in all of my Esk stories getting transformed was a salvation for them, so their lives without it would've been pretty miserable.) Weary woud've died either from the crocodile bite or the unnamed illness they had pretty soon. Elsie would've lived to become a timid, depressed adult who would've wasted her life away by not having the courage to shape her life into what she would've truly wanted. Song would've likely drowned, but if they had drifted to shore in time instead they would've been eventually returned to home and continued their life pretty peacefully albeit, sadly for them, away from ocean. Curse would've died slowly from the burn wounds it had sufffered. Poe would've either ended his own life (that was his plan) or lived on to become a "suffering artist" who never had much money or security in his life but at least lived doing what he loved. Nessie would've soon died piecefully of old age.

“What are your esks thoughts on transforming or retransforming? Blessing? Curse? Creative endeavor? Instinct?”

For Weary and Nessie it has been a mix of an instinct and doing what feels right for them. For Elsie it seems like a scarily huge responsibility that she isn't ready for yet. Other's haven't yet have a need to ponder on the subject that deeply.

“do your esks time travel? if so where do they go and what to they spend their time doing? do they do transformations in the past or would they rather not? When visiting the past have your esk ever thought about trying to see their past self's?”

Honestly I haven't have them do any time traveling (aside from that one quest) because that proposes so many questions I haven't yet been able to answer in my mind thoroughly enough. =') Like what are the actual rules I'd follow, where to draw the line in some difficult subjects and how the heck to even keep track of it all! For example what exactly prevents them from going to meet themselves in the past and what can and cannot they affect. Like... What if Elsie decided to go into the past and turn her abusive father into an Esk when she herself was just a baby - how the heck would all that work?!

“If your esk's boundary overlaps multiple biomes, what was the reason your esk resonated with one biome over the other?”

The reason is, a little bit boringly, that I've mainly used the biomes I myself am most drawn towards. Weary, Elsie, Song and Nessie are all in water-related biomes while Curse is in Developed and Poe is in Plains. Poe came with a pre-determined boundary which mostly dictated where he was going to be in, while with Curse the other option would've likely been Forest and I just feel like a feral cat belongs more to the Developed environment.

“How does your esk interact with rain/weather? Does it pass through them? Do they let it get them wet? Does it create steam on contact?”

I have drawn them being physically affected by weather because that's more visually fun than having the rain and stuff go through them. Which actually gave me a really neat art idea just now, hmmh...

“What is your esk filled with, internally?”

I am not sure. They do not have internal organs, that's for sure, but other than that I haven't completely made up my mind about that. The roots of Weary's trees as well as part of its transformation crystals do go inside the Esk's body, but other than that it's either empiness, maybe black goo or something completely else. I've also made a point to never draw my Esk crying tears, because I feel like them secreting such substances would hint at them just having normal internal organs which they in my mind do not have.

“How do you like to write about/picture esk transformations in your mind?”

Outwardly I think it looks like the transformee is shining a bright light until their body has either been shaped into a new form or their soul has been sucked out of the body and turned into an Esk (which one happens depends on who is doing the transformation). Although I don't think I have ever illustrated this? All of the transformation art I've done has depicted more of how the transofrmation has felt rather than the physical appearance of it.

“who was your nursery esk and why did you choose their ID? For those who didnt get a nursery esk, who was your first esk and why did you choose to acquire them/what do you like about them?”

Weary my beloved! <3 Back then there were much more people interested in getting their first Esk than there ever were available nursery IDs, so you couldn't really think too much about what ID you were going to grab. Which is why I still to this day don't understand how I managed to get an Esk so fitting for myself! Weary was (and is) everything I ever wanted from my first Esk!

“What is your single, favorite Witherings Esk of all time if you had to pick only one, and why that Esk in particular?”

I have a huge soft spot for the Original Esk, I adore Seventh so much and I of course love Poe to bits, but aside from those here's my top 4 in a numerical order because I can't place any of them above each other:

177 208 507 742

I can't really tell why I like them so much; it's just about that very subjective sense of beauty I guess.

“hey guys what’s your favorite masterlist number of the esk you own?”

I love most of them, but Song's 1101 must be my favorite. That's just such a nice looking number!

“Who wants to share their early twwm experience? Whether it's when you joined or how you learned about it or someone nice you met right off or the first esk you ever saw!”

Hoo boy, me and Esk go way back! I even made a quick reference doodle of the Original Esk like 10 years before the times of the ARPG. (Back then I used to always make them before drawing the creatures traditionally, although I don't think I ever actually drew anything else featuring the Esk in the end.) To the actual group I managed to somehow find my way into when it was still in beta and I joined pretty much instantly, which is very much out of character for me. I just loved the species so dang much! And I still do of course.

“whats everyones favorite morph?”

It's a tie between Ocean and Seafloor morphs.

“What are some TWWM works that blew you away and challenged your notions of what art made about funny little plant ghosts can do?”

All the video games, interactive stories, music videos and longer animations! Those are always just so awe-inspiring and they make that imaginary world seem so incredibly alive!

[xkanekitoukax]

Remain Nameless (2/5)

Title: Remain Nameless (AU) | one | Pairing: 240/Touka, Reaper/Touka Word Count: 2,637 Rating: R...hints to mental/physical abuse and slightly NSFW. Warnings: Lots of self harm references/tendencies, physical abuse, and smut. Premise: Set in an AU setting where Touka is actually at CCG and she is given permission to tend to 240. This story is how 240 and Touka deal with the pain they’re both going through. Note: I thought this would be a 3-parter, but it might be more since I’m writing more than I thought. 

Please let me know if you enjoyed this part. :)

-

The next night she visits him, she’s surprised that his bandages have been left intact. He hasn’t gouged out his eyes.

That’s an improvement. A major one.

But he’s maintaining his distance. He doesn’t get excited or attempt to crawl over toward hers like he usually does.

Was it because of what happened last time? She feels her heart sink a little since she liked seeing him…want her around.

He’s sitting on his bed, hugging his knees up to his chest and crying softly. That hasn’t changed.

She has brought in her usual tray to treat his wounds, but also a book. She did tell him she would.

She sets everything down on the floor by the bed and sits down next to him, leaving a couple of feet between them.

She notices him start turn away from her uncomfortably. What did she do wrong?

“I guess I don’t need to change your bandages tonight.” She lets out softly, her voice hinting to him that she was smiling.

“No nightmares.” He says, resting his cheek on his knees. He hugged himself tighter. “I…I dreamt of you…” He adds barely above whisper.

He dreamt of her?

“I guess it was a good dream, huh?” She asked, a little curious to know what exactly he dreamt about. It kept him from scratching out his eyes.

“So pretty…like an angel…” He started to cry even more, his lips quivering. “You held me…you kept telling me everything would be o—okay…even when they’re not…” He starts to rock back and forth, holding his head as if there’s something nagging him, pushing him to revert to his old ways. The nightmares were still clear to him. Still haunting him.

“It is going to be okay…” She reached out to him, placing her hands on his arms to let him know she was there. But he was quick to turn away from her completely.

“No…you said stop…I stopped…” He was afraid of being scolded again. That’s why he didn’t want her touching him, it would make him want to touch her back.

She looked up at the camera, seeing the red light on. She couldn’t be trusted. He didn’t trust her.

She reached down to pick up the book, a favorite of his even if he couldn’t remember.

“I brought a book for you,” She turned to him, seeing him lift his head slightly. “Would you like me to read it to you?”

He nodded.

She smiled as she opened the book and began to read. “Metamorphosis, by Franz Kafka. Chapter one. As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect…”

The whole time he sat there, listening carefully to every word. Her voice leaving him in a trance as the story itself was leaving a powerful impact on him. He had stopped crying and actually sat up straight, but still on his knees.

It was as though words were giving him strength.

He didn’t want her to stop.

But eventually she had to. Time was almost up.

“Please…don’t stop…” His heart was racing from dread.

“I’ll read some more tomorrow, okay? I promise.” She sighed.

He seemed to relax a bit more when he heard her say promise.

She always kept her promise.

But before she could leave she wanted to do something and she hoped he would let her.

“Before I leave, let me take off your bandages.” She said softly.

He shook his head.

“Don’t you want to see again?” She sounds a little sad.

“No. No….no.” He’s clawing at his bandages.

She knew what would get him to say yes.

“Don’t you want to see me?” She asked.

She could hear him make strained sounds, as if he was struggling to give his answer.

“S—sss—see you?” He clenched his jaw and then nodded.

Now she was getting nervous.

Would he remember her when he finally saw her?

She got closer to him, close enough for her to reach over and start to undo his bandages. She slowly unwrapped the white mesh from his around head, letting the last of it to fall from his face.

His eyes were shut, but there were there. The skin around his eyes was reddened, raw and covered in dark veins, a sign that they were still healing. He was still weak.

She wanted to sooth his eyes with her fingers…her lips…

“Open your eyes…” She wanted to call him by his name, but she caught herself.

His brows came together in a pain expression and he let out strained whimpers. He was too afraid of what he would see.

“It’s okay…it’s okay…” She whispered.

You can do this…

He slowly began to open his eyes until they were wide open and staring directly into hers.

Ken Kaneki…

His eyes became glassy from tears building up in them, until he let them fall, a stream of tears flowing down his face, but he didn’t look sad.

“Why are you crying?” She asked him.

“You—you’re so…so beautiful…more beautiful than…” He trailed off as his eyes continued to look over her, capturing every single detail. “I—I feel it in my bones…that I knew you before…” He couldn’t finish speaking, he had become so overwhelmed with emotions.

Parts of him began to twitch, as if he was losing control of himself.

He started to wail again, shutting his eyes as he started to fist his hair in his hands and shook…from rage.

“YOU WERE TAKEN AWAY FROM ME! EVERYONE WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME! I COULDN’T PROTECT ANYONE!! I’M SO WEAK…SO FUCKING WEAK! GIVE HER BACK TO ME! PLEASE! TOU—TOUKA!!!”

He was starting to remember…

She reached up, placing her fingers over her mouth as she felt her own tears building up in her eyes.

And before she knew it a group men rushed into the room, two of them forcibly taking her out of his room as the other two restrained him.

“Don’t hurt him!” She cried, struggling to get free.

But they didn’t listen. They never listen.

The men drag her further and further away and drop her off past the restricted doors. She tries the code she has, but it doesn’t work.

Her clearance has been revoked leaving her unable to get back in to check on him. To make sure he’s okay, fearing that they are hurting him.

Fuck.

“Touka.” She hears her name. She suddenly goes still and swallows hard before slowly turning around to face him. The Black Reaper.

That is the name the CCG call him by, but Touka knows him as Haise…Ken’s identical twin brother.

She started to tremble.

“Did he hurt you?” Haise asked.

“No.” Touka couldn’t look up at him.

“This was bound to happen at some point, I just didn’t expect it to be so soon.” He sighed. “Don’t worry, by tomorrow he won’t remember what happened tonight.”

“Did you hurt him?” She asks, finally lifting her eyes to look at him.

“Do you really think I would hurt my own brother?” He asked and seemed bothered by her question.

You made him this way, you have him locked up like an animal and your subordinates treat him like shit.

She didn’t answer. But Haise dropped the subject and offered his hand to her.

“Come on, it’s time to go.”

Touka looked back at the door that would have led her back to him.

“He’s fine.” Haise reminds her.

She takes Haise hand and he leads her away, taking her back to home they shared. She knew where the night would end up, but her mind was still reeling from what happened.

He remembered her. But she had become a painful memory.

Her heart stung.

-

She had gotten her clearance revoked that night for her “safety”, but she now had it back. She was warned, however, to not push to much on him to remember last night.

She’s eager to see him again the next night, but at the same time dreaded it.

What if he had another episode? Or worse what if he ended up hating her for the pain she caused him?

What if…

The moment she entered the room she could tell something was off.

He sat on his bed, back straight and looking blankly at nothing in front of him. But when he noticed she was there he turned to her and gave her an unsettling smile.

As if he was forcing himself to put on a happy face.

What had they done to him?

She was aware they had a variety of drugs and other forceful methods to keep their prisoners in check. It was cruelty in her eyes. And if they used any of that on him…

“Hey.” She let out. But he said nothing and his fake smile had faded, turning back to stare at nothing.

She walked up to him with her tray and book in hand, but set them on the floor next to the bed. She sat down next to him, but kept a good enough distance between them. Her hands curled up into balls in her lap.

He looked empty.

“Are you okay?” She asked him, looking at him worryingly and trying to see if she would get a reaction out of him.

“I’m…fine.” He let out, sounding almost robotic.

She sighed. “Do you remember anything from last night?”

“Last night?” His brows came together, he looked so confused. “Last night…last night…” He kept repeating the same thing over and over.

He scratched his head and looked at her attentively. “You…read to me. And…I—I told you how beautiful you were…”

She gave him a small smile and nodded at him. He didn’t forget everything. She felt so relieved.

His eyes had healed a bit more, but they were still red and there was a thick red ring around his irises, veins scattering through the whites of his eyes and into his skin.

She could see Ken in him. Hidden deep inside. But she began to wonder if maybe this was a good thing that he remained like this, didn't remember anything. So that he wouldn’t suffer.

That’s not the plan though. He’s supposed to slowly remember who he is, but only certain things.

If he remembers too much, remembers her, they will stop it.

He is to never remember her, because that was never part of the deal, and that’s what hurts her the most.

“Do you remember anything else?” She wondered if he remembered her name.

He shook his head, reaching up to scratch his temple. This was proof they had done something to him to make him forget…

“It’s okay, you will slowly regain your memories.” She assured him, but it felt like a lie.

“Th—Thank you.” He let out nervously.

“For what?”

“For helping…me.” His sad, broken eyes looked at her as if she was his guiding light to get him through this hellhole.

He continued to stare at her in such a way that made her skin go hot. She forced herself to look away from him.

“Would you like for me to read to you some more?” She reached down to pick up the Kafka book.

“P—Please.” He answered, still keeping his eyes on her.

She began to read, picking up from where she left off the last time.

He paid attention to every word she said and how she said them, her voice hitting deep inside him. And he couldn’t keep his eyes off her. His attention lingered over her moving lips…

He had shifted himself closer to her and she had barely noticed until his face was just inches away from hers. She could feel his breath hitting the side of her neck, making her skin prickle and her heart race. She heard him take a deep breath, as if he was taking in her scent.

She shut her eyes, imagining so much more.

Reaper is watching.

She had to keep her thoughts and wants to herself, even if seeing and sensing Ken so close to her made it a struggle.

He let out a strained groan and immediately turned himself completely away from her, giving her his back and making even more strained, pained sounds.

She had stopped reading when she could hear slick noises coming from his direction. When she glanced over at him she arm movement and his gown lifted up slightly.

It was obvious what he was doing and part of her wanted to leave, that would be the right thing to do, but she didn’t.

She wanted to stay until he finished. This wasn’t shocking to her, if anything it flared up her desires. It brought back memories of when they used to be much closer…

Her hands went up to his back, splaying them out over his covered shoulder blades and making him groan even louder. He tried to keep himself hidden.

“I—I don’t…want y—you…to see me…” He panted, sounding ashamed for what he was doing. He couldn’t help it.

She rested her forehead between his shoulders and shook her head.

“It’s okay.” She murmured.

He continued to stroke himself, pumping his hand harder and faster. His breathing was irregular and he was letting out moans with each erratic breath. She recognized this pattern.

He’s so close…

She opened her eyes and stared at the opening of his gown running down along his spine. She grazed her lips over his skin, making him gasp loudly.

“I wish I could help you…” She let out softly against his back.

The way she sounded, her rubbing his back, her breath and lips against his skin was all it took for him to let go.

He cried out over and over as he came, shuddering violently, and making a mess all over his hand, thighs and floor.

Her heart was racing, but she did her best to keep herself composed. It took so much for her to not make him turn around, kiss him, and want more from him…

She watched as he tried to regain his breath and started to cry. She got down to her knees and saw the mess he had caused.

It was a good thing she had her tray to help clean him up, something she didn’t mind in the least.

She grabbed a wet rag from the tray and took his hand in hers, gently cleaning it and moving on to clean his thighs. And once he all clean she wiped the floor, placed the rag back on the try, and move back to sit next to him.

“I’m sorry…I couldn’t…I…” He cried, looking so ashamed and embarrassed.

She shook her head at him. “Don’t be sorry.” She reached up to wipe his tears away with her fingers.

He covered his face with his hands, shaking.

“Why am I like this? Why…do I want you? Why am I here…? Why…?” He cried into hands.

She wished she could give him all the answers. She wished for a lot of things.

“It’s okay, you’re okay.” She said softly wrapping her arms around him, resting head on his shoulder.

Ken, I am so sorry…

“Times up!” Someone yelled.

She reluctantly pulled herself away from him, but he was quick to stop her and pull her back down to place a kiss on her lips. She gasped against him.

“I won’t remember this…but I hope you will…” He whispered, with such a sad expression on his face.

She felt her heart completely shatter.

“I will…” She let out and saw a small smile form on his face.

She picked up her tray and book and started to walk away, just as two men walked in to no doubt “fix” him.

Once she was out of the room she dropped her things and fell to the floor on her knees, falling apart.

-