#one day im not gonna be able to anymore and that scares me more than anything

[mikibwrites]

i don't want to turn this blog into a place where i rant abt my life/mental health but where else am i going to scream into the void

[quantum1mmortality]

Im so glad you're writing for Curly bc I'm so obsessed with him rn!! May I suggest (if you haven't done them already) some soft/fluffy post burn hcs? Like finally seing him again after a long drive to the hospital, mentally preparing yourself for what he might look like. Curly being so afraid about how you'd react, and just breaking down when you let out an "oh, Curly :(" and softly place a hand on his cheek, so worried that you might hurt him by accident that it's hardly even a touch at all. Curly leaning his cheek into your palm, having been so scared to see you and now so desperate for your touch.

Life returning to a new normal after a while, prosthetics and PT, skin grafts, so on. Lying in bed with him and being so relived and happy when he gets a spark of mischief like he used to and tries to tickle or play wrestle with you. Him quietly asking questions when the laughter dies down. if you missed his lips, or the blond hair you loved so much that now hardly grew at all. Reassuring him that it didn't matter what he looked like, or what he could and could not do anymore. He's still your curly.

Sorry this turned out so long 😭 I can't get him out of my head!

I LOVE what you wrote 🙏🙏 I'll be going off of these, taking bits and pieces of your hcs and then putting them in here. Overall just gonna be fluffy post crash Curly hcs :)

Of topic, but the way some people in this fandom treat post crash curly makes me nauseous. Finding out that some of you wouldn't treat him like I would makes me wanna cry. Maybe I'm too empathetic or maybe I'm a baby back bitch, either way, I'd care for this man so much. Y'all don't understand how much I love him.

Tw/cw; none!! One curse word but that's literally it (I think)

Not proofread

Extremely sensitive to touch for the first few weeks. I feel as though curly would be in incredible pain, but would try his best to keep your hands touching his cheeks, face, body in general. He'd even go as far as to whimper at how bad it hurt, yet still enduring it because he needed to know you still loved him.

He'd be so happy to see you anytime you were around. Just like pre crash, but it was more special. It got to the point where you would take off work for weeks at a time just to be with him, just so you could see him happy.

After the first two months of agonizing pain, you'd start touching him more. Not sexual, obviously, but just getting more physically affectionate. You'd be able to hug and kiss him goodbye, and hold on to his arm as you talked with him.

Speaking of talking, he wouldn't be able to, so you would talk for him. Basically telling him something, then answering any questions he may or may not have. You've known him long enough, you know how he'd react and question things, so it was practically a no brainer for you.

Now that he doesn't feel as much pain as he used to from your touches, you'd begin sleeping with him. NOT SEXUAL!!! Just cuddling up next to him in the hospital bed, laying your head on his shoulders and kissing him goodnight. Just like how you used to.

Eventually he'd start getting prosthetics, and aside from the physical therapy he's usually getting, you'd bring board games and playing cards so he could learn to use his new hands while still spending time with you.

Curly used to kick your ass in uno and honestly he still does. The trembling in his hands would slowly go away over time, and you were helping him with that much more than his physical therapist was; because at least he wanted to actually be around you.

After months and months, he'd finally be ready to take home. New prosthetics and a bunch of skin graft surgeries later, he's in good condition again. Not perfect in his eyes, but it is in yours.

He wouldn't be able to work, but Pony Express sends him checks as if he was. He gets enough from them, you could quit your job, but you don't want to be dependent on them. So you keep working.

Getting home from work is your favorite part of the day, having Curly be so happy to see you makes everything so worth it.

Your home life goes back to normal with a few exceptions, but nothing too drastic. Curly being in a wheelchair and still not being able to speak, but it's nothing you can't handle. You love him, you're willing to make sacrifices. He'd do the same for you, and you know that.

Bonus content; if you guys were married before the crash, once he got his prosthetic hands, he'd have you help him make a little beaded necklace for his ring to go on; that way he could still wear it :) he'd never take the necklace off once it's done

A/N; I've been pretty busy recently so sorry for the delay on requests; I have a lot of ideas for them though so hopefully they'll be out soon

[luvyeni]

( reaction ) you try and kill them ! ୨୧ 一 엔하이픈 ՞

⸃ ⸰ ⌁ you snap and try and kill them ヾ

yandere!enhypen・ reader ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ g ・ horror angst ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ cw ・ ‎ wc ・ ‎k ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎| ‎ ‎click to library

「 ୨୧ authors note 」 more yandere for everyone <3

﹙ 𐙚 : heeseung﹚ .ᐟ

smirking when you held the gun in your shaking hand. “be careful you might shoot yourself.” he sat calmly in his chair. “don't patronize me.” you shouted , waving the gun. “whoa , im sorry.” he put his hand up with a smile. “why don't you put the gun down.” he said. “no, im leaving this place.” you said he nodded. “are you?” he was so unbothered — it pissed you off. “i don't think you are.” you were sick of all his tricks and mind games. you were finally over it , you pulled the trigger. click! that was it , the gun didn't go off. “did you seriously think i kept a fully loaded gun out in the open?” he was laughing at you. “are you dumb?” you felt like you were going crazy , you couldn't escape him , so you dropped to the ground. “please just kill me , please.” you begged unable to do it anymore ; you'd rather die than go through this any longer. “oh no im not gonna kill you.” he said, bending down to your level , the craziest smile on his face.

“where's the fun in that baby?”

﹙ 𐙚 : jay﹚ .ᐟ

the only way you would be able to kill jay is through his food and even that was hard — because you didn't even cook your own food , so you had to sneak into the kitchen on the pretense of helping since you did sometimes do that because that's all you could do since he kept you locked in the house almost every day. while you were left alone by the cooks, you poured the cleaning solution into the stew — it was served to him by the staff , but he quickly found something wrong. “what's wrong?” you asked, trying not to sound nervous. “you.” he pointed to the maid , calling them over. “eat this.” you didn't want to kill anyone else. “h-huh?” jay looked at you with a blank stare. “eat it i said.” you broke down, he pushed the bowl to the floor , the glass shattering along with the stew. “clean it up and leave.” he stood up from the seat making his way to you. “jay please , im sorry.” he was pissed. “don't plead now.” he grabbed you by your hair. “ow please you're hurting me.” he dragged you to your room — the one where it locked outside. “good.” he threw you down onto the floor.

“try and poison my food , let's see how long you last without food.”

﹙ 𐙚 : jake﹚ .ᐟ

you leaving alone was like stabbing him in the chest , but if you left and he did kill himself you knew you'd never forgive yourself. so you knew you had to do it , you had to kill him. “yn?” jake stood in the corner of the kitchen. he was pinned there by you pressing the knife against his chest. “what are you doing?” his eyes teary , you wouldn't fall for it. “jake i can't live like this , and you won't let me go.” before you plunge the knife into his chest , he held the knife in his hand. “do it.” he said tears down his face. “kill me , please do it , i don't want to live without you.” he said , his hand were bleeding. “if you hate me this much that means i’ve failed to love you and i deserve it.” you stood there in shock , you didn't know what to do. “j-jake.”

“i deserve so please just kill me , please.”

﹙ 𐙚 : sunghoon﹚ .ᐟ

you knew you were taking a chance trying to kill sunghoon; and you knew this was gonna be your only chance to kill him; because you'd either one die trying to or two be too scared to try again. you decided to try… that's where you fucked up at. taking the bat he often used ( on you and his other victims ) — swinging the bat , hitting him on the side of his head. you didn't even wait for him to hit the ground before you b-lined it to the door… that was your second fuck up, because had you waited even a second you would've realized he never got the ground. he stumbled but collected himself— picking up the same bat; your third and final fuck up, chasing after you. you were almost to the door, freedom on at your fingertip but it all came crashing down when you felt the bat hitting the back of your head and then it all went dark. when you woke up , he was standing over top of you , the side of his head still bleeding. “su-sunghoon , please.” his eyes were darker than ever. “please don't kill me , im sorry.” he scoffed. “im not gonna kill you.” he said but the way you said it — you wished he would.

“but im gonna make you fucking wish i did.”

﹙ 𐙚 : sunoo﹚ .ᐟ

you didn't want to hurt him; you didn't. but if you didn't do something he'd never let you go; or end up killing himself and you couldn't be left with a burden knowing he did that because of you. you didn't want him to be in pain as he died you couldn't believe you still had compassion for him , but you did. you decided killing him in his sleep was the way to go. waiting for him to fall asleep , moving as slow as you possibly could , undoing his arm and straddling his waist, the pillow in your hand as you covered his face , holding the pillow down. he began to thrash around , you held tightly as you heard the muffle of his cries; the saltiness from your tears on your tongue — you were crying. he took this as a chance, quickly flipping you over , he held you down tears streaming down his face. “why why why!” he shouted. “im sorry, im so sorry.” both of you sobbing, it was sick you felt so bad for what you did. “why did you do that yn?!” he shouted.

“i love you , i love you and you try and kill me , do you hate me that much ?!”

﹙ 𐙚 : jungwon﹚ .ᐟ

you needed to make sure he was dead, poisoning him? no he was way too smart for that. try to stab him? he long got rid of the knives. you had no option , the gun — the same gun he used to fuck with you. he'd keep one of those revolver guns and sometimes he'd put a bullet in it and told you to put it to his head , if it went off you were free , if not he'd put the gun to your head but he wouldn't pull the trigger because of course he would never hurt you , but the pure terror on your face amused him — much like now, when you grabbed the gun holding it to the back of his head. “if you wanted to play you could've just asked,” he said calmly. “sh-shut up.” you stuttered , he laugh. “you got one shot.” he said , just as you pulled the trigger… it didn't go off. “no!” you shouted , he grabbed the gun out of your hand. “no please!” you begged, he smiled at you crouching in the corner. “it's my turn.” he knew the gun wasn't loaded at all , he always took the bullet out. the gun was pointed at your head , with a laugh.

“let's play fair this time , it's only right if i get a turn.”

﹙ 𐙚 : ni-ki﹚ .ᐟ

much like sunghoon; you'd only have one shot cause ni-ki would damn sure make sure you'd never do it again. you underestimated him though, thinking you could easily suffocate him in his sleep , thinking he'd be too inebriated to fight back. you were wrong and you soon figure that out when he easily overpowered you , flipping you over so that now he was on top. “stupid fucking girl.” he wrapped his fingers around your throat. “did you think this would work?” you couldn't breathe , your hands scratching at his hands trying to pull them off , you both were basically fighting at this point. he managed to get up , pulling you from the bed by your hair , dragging you , throwing you down to the floor , the crack of our wrist and your scream didn't phase him at all. “ni-niki please don't.” he picked up the bat.

“that wrist of yours is the least of your fucking problems.”

©LUVYENI

[oldfashioned-lovergirl]

omg hihihi!!! im obsessed with the fic you wrote for niki and james and i was wondering if you could write one for ayrton senna? maybe with the reader being his teammate and its their first season and just him falling in love with her? idk tbh. its criminal that theres so little fics of him im obsessed with him currently xx

☽ OLD MONEY — ayrton senna x reader

tags: car crash

note: fr there are no fics about him. also i love old f1 vibes

masterlist

✧༺ ☽ ༻∞　　∞༺ ☽ ༻✧

When you first met him, you immediately noticed how oddly he was looking at you. You couldn’t get whatever he was thinking, so you just assumed he didn’t like you. For a time. Then one day something changed.

You crashed in Imola. You got out of the car without even a scratch, but the faces of the people when you returned to the paddock with the ambulance made you guess it mustn’t have looked good from the screens.

And there he was. Despite the very few words you exchanged since you knew each other, rushing towards you, none other than the best driver on the grid, your rival and teammate Ayrton Senna.

Brown eyes filled with worry and hair still soaked in sweat, he called your name and took your arms in his hands. “Tell me you’re okay.”

“I– I think I’m okay. I just got scared.” You didn’t know why you were telling your feelings to him, you just didn’t think much about it.

“Me too.” For a moment you thought he was gonna pull you in a hug, but he didn’t. He just softly put a hand on you cheek and then let go of you. “Glad to know you’re well, pequena.”

You found Ayrton standing in front of his Porsche Cabriolet at the end of the day. It was getting dark, few people were still in the paddock to celebrate his victory.

You hurried to reach him before he left. “Ayrton.” He turned around, but you know he was already looking at you from afar. He clearly had a shower because he smelled fresh and the red overalls had given way to a white elegant shirt. “I wanted to congratulate. Also, thank you for worrying about me earlier, you kind of reassured me.”

“No need to thank me.” He made a pause. You wondered if it was time for you to go. “You know, I was going to dinner with a friend but he won’t be able to come. Would you like to join? I have a reservation for two.”

You stared at him, surprised by the invitation, then looked down at your own jeans and blouse outfit. “I don’t know if I’m suited for the situation.”

“You are.” He opened the front seat door for you. “Let’s go.”

The restaurant was a villa in the Emilian countryside. You had never seen such a beautiful place in your entire life.

The dinner went very well. You ate pasta on a table in the garden. There were warm lights that made the location very cozy. Ayrton was so sweet, very different from the fierce man everybody saw on track. You talked about the race, but not only. You learned more about his personal life and viceversa. He asked if you were seeing someone, you shook your head. “And you?”

“Not at the moment, no.”

You thought of the gorgeous girls he was often photographed with. You didn’t believe yourself to be that pretty.

“I’m sorry if I’m not very talkative between one race and the other, I’m just trying to stay professional.” His freckles were as glaring as ever in that light. After his words, you realized you may have misinterpreted his detachment. “But when you crashed today… I don’t know, it seemed dangerous from my point of view. The thought of not seeing you next to me anymore scared me a lot.”

Spelling those words, Ayrton was playing with the glass of water in his hand, his eyes shyly looking downwards. “So I wondered if you’d like to hang out. Outside of work, I mean.”

In his own words, that was a declaration.

“I–“ That was what you wanted since you saw him introducing himself in that conference room, however you knew how risky the situation you were putting yourself into was. But right there, looking up at you with those eyes full of hope, surrounded by that magical place, he was so handsome. “I’d love to.”

[writingsonsaturn]

the tortured poets department

{ masterlist } { the 'taylor swift' series }

🪐: first spencer fic, and its angst, perfecto!

wc - 497

content warning: angst, spencer is mean, break-up, no happy ending lol, not proofread

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

“You left your typewriter at my apartment” You said into the phone, “who uses typewriters these days” You finished with a laugh. “I find typewriters quite interesting actually” Spencer said with a factual tone causing you to roll your eyes.

Spencer had been over for the last couple of nights, his migraines were bad so you offered to give him a safe place to rest his body, giving you the responsibility to go to the store, make dinner, clean, basically do everything you knew he shouldn’t be doing.

“I’ll come by and pick it up after work, is that okay?” Spencer’s voice sounded flatter than it usually is, your heart picked up a beat or two. “Yeah, totally okay Spence” doing your best to mask the scared feeling rising up your throat, “are you doing okay?” you asked Spencer, “im fine” he replied, but you weren’t convinced.

Later that day he stopped by just as he said he would, but something was off about him. His eyes were sunken down deeper into their sockets, he looked almost grey, and his face supported a frown, which was something you hated seeing on him. It didn’t suit him.

You went up to try and hug his frame but he quickly denied your attempt, putting a hand out in front of him. “Okay, Spencer, what is going on with you?” you asked with a strain.

“Nothing, we just need to talk.”

“Don’t do this” your voice broke, you knew all too well what the phrase entailed, hoping, praying, pleading that your gut was wrong and your anxieties were fooling you.

“This isn’t working anymore, Y/n” Spencer finally spit out, confirming everything you never wanted to hear. 

Your heart broke with every syllable he spoke, “Why? Huh? You at least owe me an explanation” you scoffed, anger overtaking the despair that you felt only moments prior. 

“I don’t love you anymore”

Every word felt like a dagger to the heart, repeatedly swinging up then falling right back down.

Your body feels numb, the weight of the situation hurting your shoulders as you carry the tension, “So that’s it?” you wondered, looking at him with eyes that said everything you weren’t able to. 

“Yeah” he responded coldly, looking at everything in the room but you, he refused to meet your eyes. 

You wanted him gone, anything you felt for Spencer drifted away, it was as if a switch had been turned off, the only thing left of the two of you was the shadow imprinted on your heart that you weren’t sure you’d ever be able to get rid of.

“Tell me one thing, before you go” you more so stated, instead of questioning.

“What?”

“Who else is gonna hold you like me” the question hung in the air for what felt like a century.

“I don’t know” he answered, head hanging low.

“Nobody.”

You shoved the typewriter into his hands, forcing him out the door and slamming it shut. 

“No-fucking-body”

[dovesdreaming]

Hihihi!! This a kinda specific request that might not make sense but im gonna try anyway (ive like never requested anything so this also might be bad in general). Could you possibly make a Bucky Barnes or Tony Stark with a gn!reader with powers that are kinda like Hecate kids in the pjo universe (necromancy, umbrakinesis, bone control, ect) reader is like a kid who just wants their ded family back.

Family drawings

Hi thank you for your request it was amazing don’t worry! I’m sorry if it doesn’t all sound like a kid reader I’ve never written for one before! I hope you enjoy it I feel like I could have written this better <3

Not proofread

Word count: 1.1k

Warnings: talk of blood, violence

It was your average low level mission for the avengers, raiding an empty hydra base for any files they had left behind. They were more careful going into these bases now as they have had one too many blow up on them. Steve was the mission leader as usual and he was the first to scope out the area before sending the rest in. Clint and Natasha searched the outer buildings while Steve and Bucky searched the two first floors of the main building. Steve sent Tony to search the basement while Bruce stayed in the jet, ready for any medical emergencies.

Everything had been going smoothly, the comms was filled with chatter instead of orders. No one had found anything yet but they hadn’t finished searching. Tony was still in the basement doing his usual shenanigans, listening to AC/DC instead of comms. He wasn’t paying much attention knowing this area never had anything in from previous missions. He thought this particular basement looked worse for wear than some of the others he had seen. Chills ran through him as he saw child like drawings on some of the walls, they showed families holding hands and some writing that he wasn’t able to make out. He was slightly more creeped out than usual but he carried on, he turned around and continued to look around. It was quite dark and most of the wall edges were covered in darkness so when he made a figure out in one of the car corners he thought he was just seeing things. Yet as he moved closer he started to believe it may be someone more and more. They had a smaller frame and looked quite malnourished. They were sat with the head covered by their knees unmoving. Tony approached and crouched down a bit as to not scare them. Yet it didn’t seem to work as they lifted their head they scrambled away from Tony as best as they could but he had affectively trapped them in a corner. He heard a quiet strained plee of “please don’t hurt me”. It managed to send a pang of hurt through Tony’s heart, which not many things did.

Your perspective-

You had a happy childhood up until you were seven when a heavy bang came from the front door of your house one day. Men in big protective gear that covered any defining features stormed in the house, your parents trying to shield you while telling them there must be a mistake, they hadn’t done anything. Yet nothing seemed to work they were adamant they wanted you and your parents couldn’t allow that so they tried to protect you which sadly cost them their lives. You had been carried away while crying and thrashing by one of the dark men. You didn’t have anything from your childhood your last memory being a glance back into your house, seeing your parents covered in red.

It had been a while since then, you didn’t even know how long. You hadn’t seen the outside world or the sun in years. Hydra had taken you as you possessed special attributes which lended to experiments they wanted to carry out. These experiments had turned you into a weapon, they were halfway through training you when you didn’t cooperate with them anymore. You had enough of their beatings and abuse so you used the powers they gave you against them. They abandoned the mission and left you there to starve. You could have gone outside the base but you were too scared to venture into the outside world alone. You didn’t know what the outside was like anymore. So you sat scrunched up in the corner with a rumbling stomach and heart ache from missing your parents. You had scared yourself a lot by accidentally casting shadows as you didn’t know how to fully control your powers yet. You sat there alone waiting but you didn’t know what for.

You had remained in the basement where they left you until now when you were staring wide eyed at a robot. Or what you thought was a robot until he opened his mask. He promised he would help you but you didn’t know if you could trust him he could just be another version of hydra. He just asked you to follow him outside at least to meet the rest of them. So you tentatively followed behind him, keeping your distance.

As you came up the steps you were met with sunlight for the first time in a while. You were also met with the faces of the other avengers they didn’t look mean like hydra did but you were still scared.

-

They had taken you back to the avengers tower and fed you a good meal, you felt safe for the first time in ages. You didn’t trust them yet but you thought they were better than hydra.

It had been a few weeks since you arrived at the tower and everyone had welcomed you like their own child. Tony took particular interest in you. You liked to sit in his lab with him, quietly watching him work. You had even danced to his music on many occasions which made him laugh. Most nights you fell asleep in his lab and when he turned around to ask you a question he would realise and stop what he was doing to carry you up to bed. This had helped him improve his sleep schedule aswell going to bed after tucking you into yours. Tonight after he tucked you in he noticed drawings on your table. He picked them up and looked through them noticing how they were similar to the ones he saw in the basement, drawings of happy families with disproportionate limbs. He sadly smiled until he looked at the last one. It was a drawing of a man in a robot suit holding the hand of a small child. Arrows pointed towards the man scribbled out Tony. His heart melted, something he thought he was incapable of. Tony vowed to protect you like his own from that day on and that he did. He trained you how to use your powers but not to be a weapon but to protect others. However every now and then your powers took control of you due to hydras faulty work and it led you to conjure evil shadows of hydra men and your parents. It pained him to see you in such a state afterwards, all he could do for you was hold you to calm you down.

You grew up surrounded by a loving makeshift family, while you still missed your parents you were grateful for everyone around you. Tony had become a father figure to you over the years and you still spent nights together in his lab, you now helping him work on things and even creating your own inventions. You also used your powers to defeat hydra with the rest of the avengers and any bone injuries the team acquired you were always called over to heal them. You were proud of how far you had come from when you were in that basement, you were seen as a protector now instead of a weapon and you couldn’t have done it without the help of the team but especially Tony. You were always grateful looking back on the day he found you in that basement.

Everyone had also noticed Tony soften over the years, he especially had a soft spot for you and the team would use that to their advantage. They saw how he became a better person because of you.

Thank you for reading!

[1427]

When the Levee Breaks (pt. 5)

Daryl Dixon x OFC

Story Summary: The one in which a stripper that used to know Merle and Daryl shows up at the Atlanta camp. Daryl’s feelings are complicated but mostly he hates her, right?

Chapt Setting: The Farm/Woods

Chapt Warnings: pretty explicit drug use (meth), season 2 Daryl, degrading/sexist language (he’s starting to get better lol), SOPHIA CHAPTER (I think that deserves a warning)

Word Count: 2.7k

A/N: Daryl’s POV story. Daryl’s starting to be less of a dick, trying really hard to make it feel organic/make it make sense in the story. Idk. This chapter was really rough to write because… it made me sad. Also have no idea if it even makes sense (the hallucination bit, really hope it does) lol ALSO; I looked up some timeline stuff and i just?? Really thought Daryl was out there for days on his own? But apparently he wasn’t? We’re just gonna say that he is in this story. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I can only do so much when the timeline of TWD is fucking stupid sometimes. (I mean it. Come for me. Idc. Rick was in a coma for 59 days without food or water???!?!!!? Bye)

masterlist

17+ mdni (no smut in this one tho sorry)

Like fiberglass in my veins, it tears through me. Mellow, at first, almost think I should rail more before I can feel myself sweatin’. Different kinda sweat, comin’ from my fuckin’ soul. 

Haven’t felt like I was doin’ something ‘wrong’ since I was little. That feeling that ch’ya get when you’re doin’ somethin’ ya know you’re not s’possed to. This ain’t the first time I done spazz, but maybe it’ll be the last. The anxiety about doin’ it goes away the second I feel the devil kick me through my nose to the back of my brain. Even though I know it’s comin’, it always feels like gettin’ skullfucked by satan. 

Been out here for a day. I brought Merle’s shit with me because I decided to finally get rid of it somewhere. But I got somethin’ that needs doin’. And anyway, I got years of experience with ice. Not doin’ it. Sometimes doin’ it. Never let Merle know, he’d’ve made some big whoop ‘bout it. And everytime he’d gone and done more than he remembered, he woulda blamed me. Shit though, sometimes it was. 

M’not like Merle and Beatle. Ain’t an addict. Can do shit and put it down. Always been able to put it down. Figured other people could too, that they just didn’t wanna. ‘m not sure, but still kinda think that. 

Never felt fuckin’ guilty about it before, though. Fuckin’ Beatle. I’unno if it’s cuz I’d be done with her if she did the same shit, or if it’s cuz I know if she knew that I was - she’d be mad at me. Mad I didn’t invite ‘er. 

But this shit ain’t for fuckin’ playtime. Only reason ‘m even doin’ it i’so I can find Sophia. So I can stay awake, focus, and get ‘er back. They use ta use this shit in war. War’s the reason methamphetamines even exist. Nazi’s? Hell, every single one of ‘em in WWII. Kamikazi’s loaded up, totally fuckin’ wasted outta their minds on crystal while they bolted ‘em in. Kept ‘em awake, kept ‘em happy, kept ‘em focused on the mission. Tha’s what I gotta do. 

I can’t stop lookin’ til I find ‘er. Sophia. ‘m the only one that can, only one that knows how. And anymore, ‘m the only one that seems to give a shit. ‘Sides Carol. And Beatle. She wanted ta come. Told her she’d only slow me down. Distract me. Drawn more geeks. She woulda. Told her I didn’t need food either but she packed me some anyway. Knew I wasn’t gonna be hungry. Knew I was gonna use this dumb shit to help. But whatever. 

Doesn’t matter what happens to me, right? My life’s not worth nothin’, not compared to that little girl. Now that her old man’s outta the picture she actually got a chance. Maybe not mucha one, not the way shit is these days. But she got ‘er mom. And ‘er mom can actually be ‘er mom now. Not scared of some piece’a shit prick that finally got what was comin’ to ‘im. 

Man fuck that guy.

The trail I’m followin’ disappears so I backtrack to the mangroves where I found her doll and try to find another one. 

I start to wonder what kinda old man Beatle had. What kinda mom? Startin’ ta realize I don’t know a damn thing about Beatle. I know she likes drinkin’, she likes laughin’, she likes fuckin’ with me. But… 

Beatle keeps surprisin’ me. Not just because she let me hump her face a few days ago, the fact that she liked it, shit I haven’t even had a second to process that. Nah, more cuz she hasn’t brought it up. Hasn’t tried to hold my hand again. Hasn’t been annoyin’ me nearly as much. Not even at all, if ‘m honest. 

My brain’s goin’ a million miles a fuckin’ second over Beatle and what happened between us. Not just the other night, but back then. Got questions that need answerin’ but she ain’t here. Try to keep myself occupied with trackin’ but it ain’t like trackin’ takes much thinkin’. Follow every trail I pick up, but none of ‘em lead me to Sophia. 

I’d prob’ly start gettin’ really frustrated about this, but that’s what crystals good for. All the dopamine I need, and nothin’s annoyin’. Focus.

✨🏹 

Bent branches, wilted leaves, mud impressions, walker guts. Trees and rocks and blood and mud and dirt and greens and browns and reds and blacks. And it’s dark and it’s light and it’s dark. And it smells fuckin’ rotten. Bent branches, wilted leaves, another trail, another dead end, another undead shithead. Bent branches, wilted leaves, mud impressions, Beatle. 

How many times did I go into Merle’s bag and take the devils dick up my nose? Cuz Beatle’s standin’ here right in front of me. ‘Cept she’s all done up in makeup and glitter and her pupils are the size of dimes. Little pink crop top, tiniest pair’a daisy dukes I ever seen. ‘n she’s in my face sayin’ the shit I been thinkin’ about her sayin’ since that day she said it. 

“I like you, Dar.” 

“You like bein’ fucked up more.” I say it like I said it the last time. 

“That’s not true! I mean - I like you, Daryl.” She steps closer, tries to put her hand on my cheek before I brush her off. She slumps back a little, turning away. “You like me, too. You said it.” 

My hearts in my fuckin’ throat and I’m standin’ there, this can’t be fuckin’ happening. I know is’not but doesn’t make it feel any less real. “Tha’ was before I really knew ya, Beatle.” 

Hate that I said that to ‘er. Did I really say that? Cuz maybe that’s how I felt. Hell, maybe that’s how I felt last week. But it ain’t fair. I don’t know her. Still. Now. Don’t know ‘er at all. Thought I did. Thought I understood what kinda girl did those kindsa things. Is that really what I said? Fuck.

She’s still turned away from me, but I walk the half circle around to look at her face. And she’s sobbing. Silently, trying to stay as still as possible. I… I don’t remember this part. Maybe I didn’t see it? Nah, I saw it. Just didn’t care. Didn’t wanna look at ‘er. Didn’t want to hear her lame ass confession. Especially after she’d brought up that I told ‘er I liked ‘er. She sniffles and wipes her face before she pulls a bubble pipe out of the waistband of her shorts and lights the bottom, starts smokin’ it. She asks if I want a hit, like last time. 

I go to say no, but the words don’t come out. Instead my hand reaches for it. I look back up and Beatle’s dressed all different. Baggy jeans and a bikini top. That night. Fuck. Shit. I don’t want to relive that night. 

“I promise, I won’t tell Merle.” She says, handing me her lighter. And I smoke it. Inhaling the vapor slowly like she had. “You gotta sip at it, like it’s a coffee and you’re drinking the air to see if it’s still too hot. Roll the bowl or it will burn.” I do it the way she says. She’s like ten years younger than me, but she looks at me - talks to me like it don’t matter. Like she don’t see it that way. Guess I don’t either, never really did. 

I’d never wanted to smoke it before. But that night I wanted to. With her. Woulda done anything she’d asked that night ‘fore she ruined it. I ruined it. Til it got all fucked up an’ it was never the same again. Not the way I saw her, not the way she looked at me. 

I’m goin’ through memories like they’re happening all over again. Feelin’ fuckin’ sick. I don’t wanna remember this. 

I hand the pipe back to her and she asks, “How do you feel?” 

“Fine.” 

“Just fine?” She smiles. 

“Good.” I clarify. 

“Good.” 

Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it. “I think I like you, Beatle.” 

She laughs too hard, “you think?” I feel myself getting sicker and angry again all at once. 

I split in half. One half feelin’ those same feelings I felt. That this conceited fuckin’ bitch really acts like everyone likes her. I hear her words and it sounds like she’s sayin’ ‘well obviously’ - but the other halfa me hears it like a real question. Like she wanted ta know what I meant. I don’t remember how I responded then, but I can hear myself say it, “Self-obsessed cunt.” 

Beatle laughs, “Is that what you like about me?” 

My misunderstanding continues; Thought she was pickin’ on me. Makin’ funna me. All these years. All this time. Thought she was fuckin’ laughin’ at me. Never told a girl I liked her. Not that I never did like one, just never told ‘em. Not like some teenage fuckin’ confessional. And I do and what?  she just laughs.  

Shit. 

Cuz inside ‘m screaming. Screamin’ at myself ta say somethin’ different. To jus’ tell her. She’s special, she’s exciting, and when she smiles at the shit I say it makes me feel like I’m the only one in the fuckin’ world to her. Tha’s what she wants ta here. Tha’s why she’s askin’. 

“Nah. Forget it.” She nods, and I thought she did forget it.  She forgot until she brings it up again in the memory I already re-lived. 

Tha’s how I was so damn sure she didn’t give a single shit about if I liked her or not. Didn’t bring it up again for months. Didn’t give a single shit about me at all. Felt stupid for ever thinkin’ she might. Just a dumb crush on a dumb girl, and I forgot everything about it. An’ every little thing she did that made me like ‘er ended up as somethin’ else I hated.  And every time I saw her after that she was fucked up on somethin’. Meth or booze or weed. Usually all three. 

It comes at me like a fuckin’ freight train, her lips crashing into mine, but this time I want it. Don’t wanna stop kissin’ ‘er. Instead my arms move and I push her down to the ground. She’s wearing the crop top again, can tell she’d been cryin’. She’s layin’ there in the rocks lookin’ up at me and I flash back to the living room where this happened, where she’d told me she liked me back. I wanna beat the shit outta myself for makin’ her look like that. 

How didn’t I see it? 

I did see it. I just didn’t care. Thought I knew what kinda girl did those kinds’a things. 

Wonderin’ what kind of old man she had. What kinda boyfriends before she met me. How maybe she’s just as fuckin’ scared’a feelin’ stuff as I am. How maybe it took her months to even get up the courage to tell me after I’d told ‘er never mind and slowly started to hate her. How many’a those drinks were for courage? How many’a those hits were cuz she was nervous?

Shit. 

And she’s runnin’ away like she did then. Away from me an’ outta my life until a few weeks ago. I know it ain’t real but I run after her anyway. Screamin’ her name into the open air like maybe somehow I can change it if I can get her to come back. But she’s gone and ‘m still running tryin’ to find her. Screaming for her ‘til my throats hoarse. 

‘Til the walkers hear me. 

✨🏹

Andrea fuckin’ shot me. What is wrong with this fuckin’ group?

✨🏹

Beatle’s in the bedroom with me but I can’t look at ‘er. Don’t wanna. Feels like she knows what I was doin’ out in them woods without ‘er. Like she can see the dirty shit in my soul and for some reason it makes me ill. Can’t look at ‘er. Knowin’ I hurt ‘er like that all that time ago. Knowin’ it now like I ain’t ever known anything else. 

It’s just me ‘n her and she doesn’t try to talk to me. Just lets me lay there hatin’ myself for all of it. Didn’t even find Sophia. 

Spent a lot of my days in my life hatin’ myself. Thinkin’ I was good for nothin’. Now ‘m sure of it. 

I feel the bed move under the weight of her. She hugs herself around me, and like some pathetic kid I fuckin’ cry. Don’t know if she can tell or not but she tries comforting me anyway. “It’s okay, Dar. You did your best.” Her voice… how could I have ever thought it was annoying? Her bein’ so nice just makes me hate myself more. 

“Lea‘me alone, Beatle.” Shakin’ her arm out from around me. She gets off the bed and sits back in the chair she’d been in. God, I fuckin’ hate myself. Wanna scream No, come back. I didn’t mean it. 

Still got question’s that need answerin’. This time Beatles right here, and I ain’t got nothin’ to lose. “Why were you naked in Merle’s room?” Grateful that she’s sittin’ behind me. Don’t think I could talk to ‘er ‘bout this stuff if she was lookin’ at me. Right now? If I saw her face? Don’t think I could talk at all. 

She laughs. Fuck her stupid fuckin’ laugh. “I still can’t believe you think I fucked around with Merle.” 

“Why not? Y’all hung out every other day.” My voice is sharp, feels like she’s laughin’ at me again. Always feels like everyone’s laughin’ at me. 

“We all hung out every other day, Dar.” 

“Stop callin’ me tha’.” 

“I was carpet surfing. Your dumbass brother spilled all the schkag all over the damn place.” 

Oh…. But, “Ya didn’t have any clothes on.” 

“I never had any clothes on, Daryl. You sure I wasn’t just wearing something ‘slutty’? You know, like you always said I was? Cuz I don’t remember, but I’ve never been naked with Merle. Ever. Sounds fuckin’ gross.”

Oh. 

It made sense. Makes so much sense, ‘specially now. She keeps talkin’ an’ ‘m grateful cuz if I tried to say anything else I’d start fuckin’ cryin’ again. “I liked you, man. I…” she stops herself. Wanna beg her to keep goin’ but I can’t. 

Instead I ask ‘er the only question I got left, “Why’d ya leave, then? Ya left ‘n ya never came back.” 

She’s silent for a long time. “When you and Merle moved, where’d you go?” 

She did come back. 

“Why’d ya leave, Beatle?” Doesn’t matter where Merle and I went. She’s avoidin’ the question. 

“Got sober. After that night… with you. Wanted to get sober. Wanted to…” she don’t say the rest but she don’t need to. I got it. Fuck, my heart can’t take it. 

“Cuz I said ya liked gettin’ fucked up more than ya liked me.” It ain’t a question. I know. 

“Think it was more the other thing you said.” 

Tha’ was before I really knew ya, Beatle. I can still taste the words. “Shouldn’t’a said that to ya.” My voice is barely a whisper. 

She gets back up on the bed and puts her arm around me again, this time I don’t shake her away. Her voice, so close to my ear, “I didn’t want to tell you that I came back. I didn’t want you to know that I got sober for you.” 

What? “Why not?” 

“Wasn’t sure you’d care. And if you did… I didn’t want you to have all the what-ifs in your head that I have in mine.” 

She hugs herself into me so tight it’s hard to breathe, and she tells me, “It doesn’t matter anymore.” 

I feel guilty, can’t take any of that back. Can’t make any of it better. I don’t deserve this. Her. After all the nasty shit I ever thought about her. After what I did to her the other night. I can’t bring myself to tell her to leave cuz I know she wants to be here. Don’t wanna make her cry again. 

So I let her hold me. Even though I don’t fuckin’ deserve it. 

[pasta-in-the-pudding]

Guess Who's back ✨

Anyways..What would Jeff be like if he found out Reader was pregnant?

AGHHH I LOVE GETTING TO WRITE FOR DOMESTIC SITUATIONS!!

Weddings, babies, moving in together i love it all 💗

Thank you so much for requesting!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jeff finding out you're pregnant

Jeff has always been firm on the notion that he does not want kids

He thinks kids are annoying and gross and stinky

And there's also some insecurity of him not being able to be a good dad, considering his job, his upbringing, even his appearance

All around, kids are a firm no for him

So when you begin experiencing morning sickness he kind of just denies the very possibility that you could even get pregnant

But you, being at least a little more reasonable than him, decides its better safe than sorry and goes out to buy a test

When you get back, you inform him that you're gonna take the test just to be sure to which he straight up laughs

"You won't need it, because I can tell you right now you're not pregnant"

And so, after a few minutes of waiting anxiously after taking the test, you look at the results and see....a positive

A hand goes to your stomach, the tears already streaming down your face

Jeff, who decided he would wait with you snatches the test and does several takes

He's honestly just speechless, he didn't even really think he could get anyone pregnant, which may have just been wishful thinking on his part

He looks at you, and you look at him

Your face is one of pure joy, and his is a mix of confusion, fear and disgust

"We aren't keeping it, right?" He asks after looking at your face for a while

You frown and smack his arm "jeff! How could you even suggest that?!"

"We aren't prepared for a kid! We've never even talked about it! Not to mention, what kind of life would that kid have?? Growing up in a house full of murderers and monsters, the kid's guaranteed to be fucked in the head!"

"You aren't even going to give this a chance?" You ask frustratedly "you created this with me, you know! The least you could do is take responsibility!"

He groans and storms out of the room, leaving you to cry alone

When he gets back he is less angry, and clearly just got done "blowing off some steam" made clear by the fresh blood on his hoodie

You aren't crying anymore, he comes into the room and sighs before sitting with you on your bed

You are both very quiet for a while, just sitting together

He finally speaks, but he doesn't look at you. He couldn't bear to

"I love you, you know? I just get....i just feel really scared right now because I don't know what to do. I'm not in control and that scares me"

You look at him and place a hand on his cheek "if you wanna get rid of it, then we can discuss our options?" You offer

He shakes his head "i dont wanna get rid of it....i just...i don't want to mess this up, you know?"

You scoot closer to him and lay your head on his shoulder "you won't mess it up..." you look at your stomach and then grab his hand and place it on your lower belly "if you love this baby as much as you love me, theres no way you could" you say looking up at him with a smile

He looks at your stomach and then at you "im still so, so scared" he whispers to you "i dont know anything"

You kiss his nose and press your forehead to his "it's ok. We'll learn together"

He smiles "ok"

After that first whole fight, he actually gets pretty excited about the baby!

You manage to pay slender to get a room that you can make into a nursery, and announce the news to your close friends

Jeff is always buying things for the baby. Toys, clothes, blankets, etc

He also loves to talk to the baby, telling your little one all about the day that he had and how much he loves them

He's still hates kids, but his kid is amazing

(Also authors note i wanna write more general preganancy hcs for jeff bc hes so silly)

[sillysaurus]

wanted to answer some of these

What's your big age: 18

What ages do you regress to: mainly around 0-5?

Baby, toddler, or big kid: mainly toddler/preschool and baby, rarely older than those

Do you pet regress: no, i do identify with bunnies though (maybe bunnykin??)

Are you also a caregiver: no, and i don't want to be in that position

How long have you been regressing: since i was about 12? so like 6 years?

Is your regression voluntary or involuntary: mostly involuntary, but i will induce it voluntarily in almost all of my free time

What is your personality like when regressed: fussy/sensitive, whiney crybaby im ngl, quiet/not talkative, but giggly, clingy, shy/sheepish, curious, despite being sensitive and difficult i am always well behaved

How often do you regress: im almost always kind of regressed, but usually i am masking and able to act my age, but if something triggers me more i wont be able to act my age anymore

What puts you into headspace: praise, petnames, baby talk/cooing, gentle/soft tones of voice, people doing things for me, being tired/scared/in pain/sick

What pulls you out of headspace: nsfw, violence, romance, sometimes people cursing (i do a lot and cant stop myself unfortunately), being in public (usually)

Do you have a baby voice in headspace: maybe? kind of? idk but i do talk a bit differently, honestly i talk a lot less but when i do its short words/broken sentences, whiny/softer in tone, etc.

Why do you regress: its mostly involuntary (because of trauma, i believe) but i do it voluntarily as well because its the only time i really feel safe and happy (even though a lot of my regression is negative/vent)

Neon, pastel, neutral, or dark colors: either pastel or dark. odd combo, but i wear black most of the time due to being alternate but my favorite color is blue! i love light/baby blues

Favorite regression clothes: i still wear my alternative clothing style while regressed but i like big hoodies and fuzzy socks as well. i also really want overalls and bloomers!

Do you have a caregiver: no (i would like one, some day)

Do you have any sibbies: no (unsure about having them, open to it i guess?)

Favorite petnames: sweetheart, sweet boy, (anything with 'sweet'), little boy, hun/honey, bud/buddy, goober

Favorite snack: applesauce, fruits, yogurt

Favorite movie(s): the nightmare before christmas, the BFG, sharkboy and lavagirl, rugrats go to paris

Favorite cartoon(s): craig of the creek, rugrats, curious george, summercamp island, alvin and the chipmunks, kindergarten the musical, tmnt

Favorite game(s): animal crossing, stardew valley, twisted wonderland, slime rancher, cookie run

Do you have a comfort character: könig, eyeless jack, laughing jack, moondrop, idia shroud, sundrop, nanami (jjk),

Are you easily scared: yes, scared of thunder, heights, the dark, yelling, etc. and just very nervous and sensitive in general

Independent or dependent: i dont want to be independent but im forced to at the moment, my dream is to be very dependent one day

Do you use a pacifier: yes, usually when im sleepy, upset, or grinding my teeth. i only have one but i want more

Do you use diapers: i wish…

Gear wishlist: everything! a crib, kid/soft books, indoor tent, bottles, sippy cups, plates, silverware, etc, diapers, idk if they make ones big enough but hopefully a high chair, car seat, baby bouncer, and ball pit as well

Favorite regression item: i only have one pacifier and some dinosaur sippy cups but i love them <3

Do you have a bedtime: no (i stay up late) but i would like one, not gonna happen until i get a caregiver though

Do you have rules: no, but one day when i have a caregiver i would like them, unsure about what though besides a bedtime. hopefully they can get me to stop cursing as well

Favorite animal(s): bunnies, marine animals, pigs, monkeys

Favorite holiday: halloween!

Favorite season: autumn/fall

Are your agere interests more fem or masc: definitely masc. dinosaurs, trains, construction vehicles, monster trucks, cartoons/movies/books about boys, tmnt

Do you stim more when regressed: im almost always regressed but yes, mainly vocal stims when im really feeling small

Favorite site/app for regression community: here!! tumblr! i was on reddit and instagram back in the day… (i still use instagram but not much)

What's your favorite thing to learn about in headspace: im learning spanish and german! but i just like learning in general, i like when people tell/teach me about things!

[aether-friskets]

Why I Headcanon Waylon Park as a Trans Guy?

it came to me in a dream.

ok but jokes aside (well not entirely it DID actually originate because of a dream i had getting interrupted by a nonexistent video essay on the topic... dreams are weird man), i do want to try talking about my reasoning for this (although it's totally legit to hc a character as trans purely because you want to!! thats totally based also lol), because maybe it'd be interesting to hear the lens through which i saw this game? idk lol but i'm doing it anyway... below the cut in case it gets long

Ok immediate prefaces, A: i doubt this was actually the intended at all and i'm not trying to say it's canon, just saying why i read it that way :3 and B: this will probably be a rambling mess and I apologize, I'll try to make it somewhat make sense.

I guess I'll start with: a whole major thing of Outlast, is fighting to tear down this large corporation, that is like. the embodiment of shitty systems that exploit people (this post by bry mentions that general topic, although more focused on miles' angle). It's worth noting because, to me at least, fighting these sorts of systems really aligns with a lot of queer folks (and basically any group that gets fucked over by the system, which is most of them loll). There's like, this whole thing of Waylon seemingly fitting that image of the ideal typical man, with the wife and kids and a job, but he has to risk all of that to do what he feels is the right thing.

(Oh yeah, I guess quick tangent on that note. Yes I know in canon we literally see his dick lmao and also we know he has kids, which you might think would deter my hc here. but A: i already said ik it's probably not canon, i can still read into it regardless. B: intersex ppl exist. C: phalloplasty and other similar procedures exist. D: ppl can have kids in non-traditional way. so im prob not gonna cover that element of it more)

My brain hasn't been able to help but interpret his whole journey in a queer way, because i played it as a teenager still in the throes of understanding my identity and place in the world, so in the end this might not even make sense to anyone else. But, I'm trying to explain, so I'll continue to regardless.

I kind of saw it as Waylon hiding in the protection of an "ideal" life. On the surface he looks like he's in that American ideal family, but it's a subversion. He's only one of them because they think he is. Because he doesn't step out of line. Unlike Miles, who's more outspoken about issues, who seemingly has no one around him. He's treated as part of this "ideal" world, while working in the background to try and stop the exploitation and immoral acts going on.

When he's caught, when he's seen as something more complicated than first imagined, he's cast out. Lumped in with the same people being exploited by Murkoff already. He isn't "human" to them anymore. He's something else. Something they don't like.

Although the violence brought upon him is by the variants, it is still in part Murkoff's doing, since they fucked these people up via these experiments to a point of heightened violence and just generally ruining their lives more than they already had been by whatever they had done prior. That being said, they are still responsible for their own actions.

the stuff with Eddie is definitely the part that most resonated with me through this lens. I remember first playing it, and he scared me the most, for a lot of reasons. One of which being what he represented. He's The Groom. He wants someone to be his Bride, and you're it, even if you don't want that. As someone who's aroace AND already knew at that point that i wasn't a girl, this guy felt like a human embodiment of the pressures to fit what was expected of you. That one day, you'll be married and have kids. If you don't, then you're worthless.

But it's interesting especially, because Waylon IS married. He has kids already. He has that family. The difference is, in this hypothetical trans lens, he's not "really" in a traditional family. He's "pretending", as some might see it, because he's not "really one of them". Being Eddie's Bride is the situation that would've been expected of him, but he said "fuck that", and did his own thing.

Plus, like, with Eddie in particular, you will NEVER be what he wants. He will try to make his perfect bride, but you'll never be it. Even before Mount Massive, no one was what he wanted, judging by all the people he killed. He's a broken man desiring something but never liking his options.

Also just fucking. these lines from eddie make me lose my mind.

That part of you the world sees, they think it's perfect. As God intended. Even these idiots and lunatics see it. There's something special about you. On the surface. But when they look deeper, when anybody with eyes to see looks at what you truly are. That's why they don't trust you. You're not what you're meant to be. Not yet. This place can see into your mind. And the things you've done. Oh, they're a sin, darling.

like HELLO??

I know it's probably just Eddie rambling but it felt like he reached through the screen and grabbed me by the throat like.

Anyway in actual relation to my point. uh. Remember the thing I said about Waylon being a "fake" typical family? This kind of relates to that. Like, on the surface, he seems like he's got this perfect typical American family, he's "as God intended" (which. bro. i swear that exact phrase has been used against trans people so many times). But if you look closer, you'll realize there's more to it than that. Also like, going from the "as God intended" line to the thing about the things he's done being a sin, like hmmm. Maybe I'm reading into that too much, considering we know Eddie wants to make you into his Bride, so of course he's gonna think stuff like that. But still. It's a bit interesting to me.

Plus, it's interesting how, despite having a wife and kids, he's still more... feminized, I guess, than any other characters in this game. Both in the game itself, and within the fandom. Like, not just Eddie literally calling him a woman and trying to make him his bride, but also stuff like a variant near the beginning calling him a "pretty flower" before threatening him, Andrew (one of the staff) licking his face at the beginning of the game... A lot of violence and sexual-ish acts that are often directed at women in media. Even Frank, who I don't have as much to say about here, has some weirdly sexual undertones to his whole cannibalism thing.

This isn't entirely related but one part of the game that still sticks with me but I don't see mentioned as much, is near the beginning. Those guys stabbing the dead staff member. One of them remarks that "there are no observers here" and "do you think you're different? Something special?", which I think helps cement the whole idea that he's treated the same as the rest of people being exploited by Murkoff now. There's no turning back to that "ideal" life you were hiding in before. Hell, that's definitely reinforced more at the end of the game, when you choose to publish your footage, knowing Murkoff will come after you for it, and probably ruin your life. Maybe there's more interesting things to glean from that, but i thought they were interesting lines nonetheless.

anyway, overall I know this is probably just the ramblings of a trans/generally queer person reading WAY too much into a character that I happened to resonate with when i played the game, but i thought maybe it would be interesting for others to understand what would lead me to this conclusion? Anyway, that's all i've got on the subject right now, so I hope it was at least a little interesting.

[mistletouchunderthetree]

i’m putting this under a read more for two reasons: it has descriptive language about a gross thing in my mouth (this warning sounds much worse than it actually is), and the whole thing is basically about nausea and throwing up. it’s really not that bad and there is no actual puke involved but i know there are people that can’t do that topic at all and i want to keep everyone safe! now onto my weekend adventure

my mom and i went to my hometown for a day and night so my mom could attend the funeral of one of her best friend’s mom and we went to my favorite restaurant and i basically choked on a bite of my fajita because the gross radiation/thrush super gross thick spit in my mouth (i cannot stress enough how gross it is) turns food into this disgusting paste-like texture that when i try to swallow i gag it right back up so that’s super upsetting bc i was JUST starting to eat again. so on the drive home we stopped at a mcdonald’s for some fries bc i underestimated the strength of my gross spit and then i ate 3 fries before i had to stop bc i had to take a drink right after every bite just to get it down my throat and i was getting nauseous so THEN about 4 hours into the drive i notice something very small and hard stuck in my throat so i take a drink, it doesn’t help, only makes me more nauseous. whatever this is (piece of fry? tonsil stones? a manifestation of god reminding me how much he hates me?) it is activating my gag reflex SO bad so eventually i am like mom. i need you to pull over. (we are on the freeway and it is 9:30 pm) and we took the next exit and ended up in the parking lot of an auto shop (i think? it was very dark. would’ve been scared if not for the im-gonna-puke feeling) so that i could get out of the car and dry heave for five minutes because my stomach was too empty to throw anything up. so then i got back in the car and after about half an hour somehow i was able to dislodge the culprit and swallowed it (ew) with water and then i wasn’t nauseous anymore. anyway. no point to this story but like, can you believe this shit??? AND i have chemo tomorrow!! what the fuck!!!!

[bambaooo]

30.

I know for a fact no one is on here anymore, but doing this has been on the back of my mind for about a week or so.

But I just turned 30. My last almost 15 years of life have been recorded to some extent on here. From my 20s to now my 30s life has been fucking nuts. From going to feeling invincible, to feeling that like everyday is a new challenge of what im going to go through. I remember in like elementary school and middle school, i was like embarrassed of being on the younger end for my class. I would always lie and say that i was born in 93 instead of 94. Such a weird thing. and before i turned 21, i wasnt pressed on going downtown to the bars and clubs cause i know when my time came it would be fine. But gdamn, my 20s are gone. I cant help to reflect on the life ive lived. From college, to my first real job, first time living on my own money, relationships, covid, grad school, and to the last major things of buying a house and getting engaged. like what tf am I doing, in the back of my head im still that one kid that eats a shit ton, works out alot, and smokes hookah. But in reality im not that person anymore lol. i used to be very resistant on change but, i know its inevitable but it does still bums me out a bit. I think it bummed me out before because up until recently, ive been very deprived from my friends. I felt bad reaching out, and I felt like i was being a burden hitting them up. But like now, id rather reach out and see them rather than feel like im missing out. But ive seen more friends in the past few months than I feel like i have in the past few months combined. I know social connection is a big part of being healthy, but i didnt realize it was like that for me. But it makes sense, for almost almos the whole time i was in richmond, i was constantly around friends. but as a real adult that shit is kinda hard, gotta cross reference everyones schedules and shit. but like honestly its better than nothing, and i dont think i could do that shit for a extended amount of time lol. and life is just so fucking different know, fucking mortage and house stuff. and still trying to exercise regularly and be an adult.

i almost never want to plan anything for my birthday cause i dont like that feeling of being a burden or w/e. But it just happned to be that arvin moved back home and we got lunch the day before with matt. and that night we hung out at a hookah bar. Ive been so scared with the random health shit ive been dealing with but hookah actually calmed me down a lot for some reason. and Im trying really hard not to get back into the habit of smoking on a regular basis. after smoking for 10 years man, that shit would fuck me up. not the smoking, but feeling reliant on something. Shit addiction is fucking real. Im blessed to be able to pull myself away from shit like that, but i know in the back of my head i know that shit would feel so nice lol. Even when i was vaping, that shit didnt hit as good as a hookah lol.

but yeah life is different. getting settled in the house, gonna plan for a wedding of some sort in the near future, trying to get the house figured out. life is just fucking wild to me right now.

the 20s i definately learned a shit ton. I feel fucking old talking like that, but like its fucking true. the kids in their 20s now have like no idea how to live like we did. i hope i can get to a point where i can be good mentally and physically to live life a little bit of what i used to. I always hear that the 30s is like your 20s with more money, which makes me hella excited. but yeah, im 30 now, idk the next time ill be on here. ill probably come on here once in a while until it dies off forever. I lowkey want to go back into my shit and read some stuff, but i honestly cant bring myself to dig through that shit lol.

until the next.

[tea-and-secrets]

I worry about my future, but what I’m able to accomplish and what others think I can accomplish. I think I compensate for other people, so as to not feel their judgment. I allude more to what my future may be, I make it vague when I myself know it is clear, I say I have more options but I do not want those options. I’m afraid my Dad will give up on me. He’’ll think it wasn’t worth it, and after the many, many times I said it wasn’t, he might actually believe it. I’m scared my sisters will think I was pathetic for not trying, but I’ve tried, and I still am, working hard, doing my best, But I wonder if best is enough, maybe their best is better? Maybe my best isn’t even half of what they are. And then the age old question I’ve faced for half my life comes running back, just as it knows the road is clear for it to reign freely - why can’t i be like them? Though I know the answer to this question, I feel it in every conversation, every hangout, every fight, every celebration, it’s so easy to ignore, yet I feel so guilt ridden to do just that, like I’m not honest, with them, with myself, like im not telling them that im not what they think,that im not them, just a failure. I hate to cry about old wounds, but scars are lasting and this one hurts even after the 9th bandage shoved its way across my stomach, im sick. and tired. of feeling like im not one of my sisters, like im not smart, or pretty, or sensible, or funny, or like if i acted like myself than i would be the farthest thing from what they are. I’m so scared. What if one day they leave me alone again? What if they make me hate myself again? What if they think i deserve to feel that way again? I know i don’t. But do they? Do they convince themselves that ive changed? Ive become one of them? I wish, i wish so badly that i could be like them, so pretty, so smart, so sensible, so funny, i wanna be like them, i convinced myself for years that i just had to try harder and i would be if i spent years convincing myself i could be all of that on my own. But i dont know. did i waste years obsessing over being one of them, or being a perfect version of myself and now im neither? Im not sure, i dont know, and i'm so scared im gonna end up like 6 years ago - hating myself, and praying to god i could be them so i would love myself. I attempted it you know? I actually tried 3 times, and failed 3 times evidently with the way im writing this 6 years later. I wonder if i thought itd be like this, i feel a sense of clarity knowing that im not that anymore, not despising myself anymore, but i wonder, if it’ll all come back. I learnt in society n culture that the theory on change is that it might be linear or circular, i think its circular, history repeats itself constantly but at the same time we dont regress in our most advanced institutions. i don’t know if nursing or the way we medicate changes in 30-50 years but i don’t think we’ll go back to believing we should leave it upto god. not to say god isn’t who we should depend on, i am faithful, when it comes down to science or philosophy, god rules everytime. But that doesn’t mean human concepts aren’t futile on me, in the wise words of Lessons in Chemistry - Religion is the why, Science is the how - and like all things i believe, god is involved in every step of evolution and change and repetition and that they are things that happen through the power of god and the lack of from humans. The point is, we’re ever-changing for the better but we will repeat ourselves, our mistakes, our decisions. So what if my self hatred is just a repeating cycle, waiting for the next obstacle to let its self out? If so i think id rather of killed myself 6 years ago,

.

[askthedespairkids]

What I was Made For

*With today being their possible last day of training Sly has Komaru wake up early so they can get training out of the way and have the rest of their day to prepare. After a couple hours of training he ends it with the two of them meditating outside. The two sit side by side not a sound besides their respective breathing until*

Sly: *He opens his eyes and looks over at Komaru, who is still focused on her meditation. He quietly gets up and positions himself right in front of her. He reaches his finger out and pokes her attempting to knock her off balance* Komaru.

*She doesn't even wobble this time but her eyes fly open in surprise* Huh? What's wrong?

Sly: Hmm. Would you look at that. Not even an inch off center. You’ve gotten better

You think so? It doesn't always feel like it, but I'm happy if see something. *She stands up as well*

Sly: I think with that, we can call it a day. How are you feeling?

It's hard not to worry, but at the same time I'm thinking...that this is what we've all been fighting for. So, more than anything, I don't wanna disappoint anybody. I don't wanna disappoint you after you spent so much time teaching me.

Sly: Hmm. I’ve been waiting to ask you, but have you decided on where you’re gonna be for all that’s coming?

Honestly...I think I should stay here. I think I'd just get in the way of the others if I went somewhere else.

Sly: I’m not sure I understand what you mean? Get in the way?

It's all well and good train here, but when I was out there at the Despair Base and I fought Towa-san. I just thought to myself afterwards 'I could have easily died just now'. And...it's gonna be so much worse tomorrow that I'm worried I won't be able to think of anything else. I don't want to be a liability...

Sly: So you’re scared?

I guess. Isn't it normal to be scared during this sort of situation?

Sly: Ya know, *He looks down at the ground* this thought has been creeping into my head since the announcement, I’m scared too.

...y-yeah right. Aren't you used to being on death's door? It's like your whole thing...wait. Are you really?

Sly: *He sighs* No. Not like that anyway. I’ve sent so many people to “deaths door” and after the mission with my dad I should’ve went through them myself. My death doesn’t scare me. In fact I think im truly lost my right to have the fear. What scares me is living.

You're...scared you'll survive? Why would you be scared of that?

Sly: I…Komaru…*He rubs his neck. Fingers grazing his dog tag* What do you think of me? Honestly?

Hmm...what do I think of you? I mean, I think you're an amazing teacher. I feel like I'm way more capable than I've ever been and it's all because you saw something in me.

And you're scary, but not mean. Not mean in a cruel way, in any case. Sometimes you're still harsh, but from a place of support...I guess, that's what I think?

Sly: A good teacher huh. I figured it’d be something like that. *He clutches his dogtag* The reason I'm scared of living is because of this. I’m sure as you know…this was my mother’s dogtag…. She uh…she passed away when I was young. Before I was even officially considered an assassin. Whenever I could be, I was attached at her hip. I loved my mother. More than anything in the world and when she was killed it left such a huge hole in me. When I found this tag at the orphanage she grew up in it never left my side again. It’s my memory of my mother…but even with the tag, at the end of the day it’s just a tag. As time has gone by…I…find myself forgetting her face. Forgetting her voice. Her mannerisms. I know we’re assassins. Born killers and die killers. But that was still my mom and I can’t tell you much about her…. It’s just not there anymore. The scary part isn’t dying but it’s having someone you care about die and your memories fading away. In my time here I’ve come to care about so many people that are gonna be in harms way, my fear is that if I lose one and I keep living…what if I forget them too.

…Sly…I can't begin to really imagine it. That after this time I could ever forget the people that helped me get here. I think I'd struggle to forget Koizumi-san’s voice. Or Otonashi-san’s smirk when she notices you lying about something. Or the way that Harukawa-san's eyes shift when she tries to pretend she doesn't care about something. Or even when you used to try and stop yourself from smiling like you would deny yourself joy.

You used to do it for so long, but even to this day I haven't forgotten what that looks like…the people we care about today might not be here tomorrow, it's true…that's why we have to cherish those details while we can because we really don't take note of them until we aren't able to see them all the time anymore. I think what's scary is the fear that you took those things for granted when you could witness them.

Sly: Which is why I’ll be on the front lines. It’s easier to see that you took things for granted once they’re gone but I have no plan of losing anything. I’ll fight my hardest to protect the ones I care about. As your teacher the idea that you would be in the way is asinine. You are more capable than the majority of people here. I’ve seen the work you’ve put in and there’s no doubt in my mind that you are an asset. Not a liability.

Even if you say all of that, it won't mean much if I just end up freezing when push comes to shove...but despite that I still want to protect everybody.

Sly: I’m not gonna tell you to come out on the front lines. Everyone has their own path to follow. But I don’t wanna hear that it’s cause you’re incapable. You wanna protect people? Trust in your training and do your best wherever you are. Everyone around you has more confidence in you than you have in yourself.

...okay. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I don't want to be anywhere but the front lines.

I want to be useful! I want to help everyone as best as I can...so I'll do it.

Sly: *He places a hand on her shoulder* You’re gonna be okay. I’m sure of it. You’re gonna have to be cause *He takes off his dog tag and reaches it out to her* I want you to return this after all the dust settles.

Huh? But isn't this important to you? Are you sure you'd wanna entrust it to me?

Sly: I know for you I’m just your teacher. If we’re honest you’d prolly stay far away from me if I wasn’t. But for me I think about some of the moments we’ve had since we met. Like how you said it’s hard to trust me since it doesn’t seem like I trust you as much. I’m not very good at stuff like that but this is the best way I can think of to show you that you have my deepest trust as a student but also as a person. You are whether you believe it or not someone I care about so taking this is also a promise to me do your best but to also do all you can to survive.

*She's very visibly speechless. Hesitantly she picks up the dog tag and puts it on*

I...I want you know as well that I've really valued this time as well. I wouldn't still be here without you.

So, I'll repay you and make sure you get this back tomorrow.

Sly: It’ll be my honor to fight besides you. So let’s show them what we’re made of.

You got it!

[erythristicbones]

im gonna put like. the bulk of the details/medical stuff under the cut but! uh, totally fun news from yesterday, I had a seizure for the first time and spent a good chunk of the day in the ER

Obviously, this has never happened(that I'm aware of) to me before in my nearly-26-years of life. It only only last somewhere between 2-5mins according to Steph, although I was incredibly confused and disoriented for ~15mins after I came to. As much as the whole ordeal has sucked, I think the absolute scariest part was seeing Steph's face once I was coherent again. Like she's so stoic, has only cried a handful of times that I've know her, a veritable wall of stone in all ordeals. Seeing her well and truly scared for me shocked me back into the present real quick. I don't think I'm gonna be able to forget that face for awhile

The hospital did some scans + tests, although the majority of what those will mean will have to wait for more analysis. The doctor however, was very very certain this was epilepsy related, rather than bacterial/other causes. Obviously since they still need to analyze the tests tho, they have no idea if this is a one-off thing or if I'm gonna have to be on medication for the rest of my life

They're gonna have me on anti-seizure meds until the tests are back, just as a precaution though. Now that I've rested, I don't really feel dizzy/confused/weak anymore thankfully. My chronic back pain is defs worse from the tensing + my shoulder's a little fucked up, but I'm used to ache-y bones/joints and Im confident I can handle that for now

Anyways, I thought it would be important to let y'all know, cause a lot of y'all who follow me are friends/acquaintances. It's also a nice way to be like "hey, I wanna stay active to recover from this, but if I don't have the energy, here's why" too.

[ilguna]

hey babe!! i hope you’re feeling much better than you were a few days ago! (your sickness was passed to me through the phone because i haven’t been able to get out of bed to do anything other than use the restroom, shower, and eat)

but!! i have a small (?) question to ask you. how do you easily write and post a fic??? i’ve gotten quite a few requests, and they’re all very lovely but once i go to write them my mind goes completely blank. like, when i read the request i have so many ideas on how i want it to go, but when i start to write it i just feel bored and end up going to do something else. i really really want to write because i love writing and i used to do it all the time when i was a little bit younger, but now i hardly can anymore :(

i’m thinking about making or reblogging prompt lists, because hopefully that’ll help me put out SOMETHING even if it’s short. but i don’t want to get my hopes up, then lose motivation right after, and it be all for nothing. (it might also be the fact that i’m scared no one will like what i put out and not want to request anything from me again🧍🏻) i know you might not be able to help, but if you are i would really appreciate it! if you can’t, no worries and no hard feelings at all. love ya and stay safe!! xxx

- 🪷

hey!! i am feeling SO much better than i did. and i’m sorry!! i hope you have a speedy recovery too!!

i’m putting a cut cause there’s gonna be a lot of pictures as i explain MY PROCESS, because maybe you’ll be able to pick out some things you’d like to try, because i struggle with the same stuff.

as for your question, this might be a little long. i want to start by saying that it might appear that i’m able to easily write, but the truth is that i also have difficulty starting fics and that’s what fucks me up most of the time.

however!! here’s what i do: i write out what i want to happen. just a couple paragraphs (or more!!) of the idea/general goal/scenes that i come up with that MUST make it. i’ve especially been doing this when it comes to the 3k celebration asks because it helps me to have fics lined up so i can just pick up the next one without worrying what im going to do next.

and i do this either on paper (i have a notebook dedicated to it) or on my phone, which is what i’ve been doing recently. so i just screenshot the ask, put it in my notes app and write down my idea so it turns out what i have below:

the part that i really struggle with is starting the fic, which is why i believe we must be in the same boat. i think that it’s easier to write when i don’t have the pressure of forgetting the idea, because i do have a lot going on and i’d hate for it to escape my mind.

but i have learned some ways to cheat starting the fics. (it’s not really cheating, just basic writing nonsense) and i always have a slow start at the beginning of fics cause idk how to write it without feeling repetitive. so i have a few formulas for that

the following are going to be all examples of how i’ve started my fics:

so either i set up the setting.

i start with an action.

i IMMEDIATELY begin to monologue.

or i start with dialogue.

and sometimes these don’t even work. i can’t tell you the amount of times i’ve started to write a paragraph in google doc, liked where it was going but not how it was phrased, so i pressed enter a couple times and started from scratch while referencing the original paragraph. and i do this SO MUCH that it’s practically part of the writing process now.

also, sometimes writing is just boring in general. i have to really be into the story to want to write it, or i have to accept that it’s boring and make it how i want to. like yes, follow the request. but at the end of the day, if they ever do want to see it, you’ve got to sprinkle some of what you want into the fic.

that’s where i create the backgrounds, start dynamics, give the reader a personality, etc to make it more fun. it gives me something to do while i hit the points of their fics. if that makes sense at all.

ANYWAY, reblogging prompt lists is my worst nightmare tbh. because it can help in many ways or it can literally be the bane of your existence. i hate them, that’s why i only have them available for celebrations.

you don’t get to choose the dialogue, most of the time people won’t give you anything to go off of (an idea to go with the writing), and if you don’t like it, you’re kinda backed into a corner. this is how i see it, it might not be the same for you.

they also might just stack up in your inbox and you’ll see them the same way that you’re seeing your regular requests :( just more stuff to write that you don’t feel like doing anymore.

but also, fear is 100% part of it dude. i still get that way when i post for new fandoms/people and i convince myself that everyone’s gonna hate it. here’s the truth: if people don’t like it, they’re going to keep scrolling. or they’ll read a little bit and then decide that it’s not for them. i have NEVER once received an ask/comment about people hating my fic (except on wattpad cause it’s full of brats 😭) because people don’t usually care that much. i’m even guilty of this!!

honestly, write those fics, just go for it. or if you don’t want to start with those, then write a little blurb you’ve had in your head and post it. gives you some momentum to keep going.

and if people don’t come back, that’s on them. do your own thing in the meantime, you’ll attract people. and when the requests start coming in again, all you have to do is start the process over.

honestly, i’ve been writing and posting fanfic on the internet for the past 7 years now. this is EXACTLY the fear i had each time i got a new account and had to start over. there is literally nothing more terrifying than posting what you love on the internet. but at this point, people dgaf and keep their opinions to themselves. it makes it easier to exist.

i have no idea if any of this made sense but i hope you get what im trying to say 😭 i don’t get this question super often but i try my best. anyway, i love you too 💛 and i will catch you on the flip side!!