#one day i’ll do it though. i’ll post the fucking poetry I WILL DO IT.

[cream-and-tea]

i love you poems i love you poetry i love you novels written by poets ❤️💖💕💗❤️❤️💓

[nvuy]

your writing style is a dream of mine, and the pacing & humor in your fics are some of the many reasons i decided to follow you !

i'm trying to write fanfics myself & potentially even run a writing blog! could you share a few writing tips?

you are so cute.

i’ll let you in on a secret: i started actually publishing my fics in 2020, but i since abandoned them because they’re embarrassing. however, here’s one as a starting point. i look back at it and cringe A LOT, but it was my foot in the door, and 15 year old me was very proud of it, so i didn’t want to straight up delete it.

i didn’t start out on tumblr because i get nervous being forced to interact with people because im a pretty abrupt person and i talk about the things that i like too much and im aware that can scare people away. it was about halfway thru writing old habits before i actually posted something. that was this and i posted it because i knew what little audience i had knew ME because i wrote a scaramouche fic. so. scaramouche content.

and because of the tumblr tagging system, people saw it, they liked it, and some people wanted more.

i then interacted with other writers slowly even though i was scared and frankly still am. you dont have to go around asking to be moots or spamming hearts left and right and putting their dicks in ur mouth, but being nice and having a scope around on what other people do on here helped me develop this ugly little blog i have.

i got really into hsr so i write a lot of hsr. i get a lot of people that ask if i could write more genshin impact, and i could, but at the end of the day, it’s my blog, and if i dont want to, i dont have to. i lost interest, so i dont really have to care about it, nor pay it any mind. do i still write it? sure! rarely, but i do. i don’t play wuwa anymore, but im down to write a piece or two if i get an idea, etc etc.

another thing is: don’t write in the hopes that you’ll post it on tumblr. same way i don’t think artists should draw just for the sake of posting. i have so much shit laying on various docs that won’t even be shown on this site, because it doesn’t need to be here. not because it’s bad, or it’s weird, but because i don’t have to post it, because it’s my blog.

the thing is you just be yourself and write whatever the fuck you want. i write horror & weird shit; my audience is probably well aware of that by now, and im not really worried to post anything super weird because its sort of what’s expected of me.

i know horror and romantic cannibalism connotations and yanderes and unsubtle sexy threats is not everyone’s thing, and that’s ok! they don’t have to like what i put out, and i don’t worry about it, because people who like your shit will interact, and people who don’t will not. and people that don’t like ur shit and still interact are losers. hit the block button & move on.

someone is always bound to like your works.

i guess the ‘funny’ comes from the fact that i try to write dialogue how real people would speak. in fictional context, someone like kaedehara kazuha could wax poetry for three hours without stuttering in game, but realistically, nobody can probably do that without pauses, stammers, messing up words, etc. so i try to incorporate a sense of realism into everything, even if it’s a fanfiction in a world where a small boy in white tights is a god and everyone gets tiny little orbs that give them magical elemental powers.

i remember that even though these characters are fictional, i write them as though they could potentially be real people that do things real people do: fidget, stutter, blush, try and be funny and fail, they have problems large or small, etc. you have to mould your personality and writing style to make these characters alive on what you put out—childe seems like a great husband on paper, but is he all that good when he has unchecked mental health problems and has violent outbursts and desires? think about it.

another thing: don’t doubt your skill and prowess, especially in comparing yourself to posts with like 10000+ notes. most of them are note farming bullshit anyway—and a lot of the reader community is more likely to click on porn fics than normal fics. its why the popular posts on the x reader tags are usually porn. it’s half the reason why confiteor is infinitely more popular that old habits when im pretty sure scaramouche is a bigger character on the popularity charts.

strictly nsfw blogs that people make i can guarantee you are a lot more popular than their main blogs.

which brings me to: dont hop on trends. don’t do it. youll burn yourself out. just write what you want. fuck everyone. do whatever the fuck you want. if porn is popular but you’re extremely sex-repulsed or not comfortable, don’t write it. dont write to please people; it’s your blog and your time you’re putting into to do what YOU like, and you’re sharing your work for FREE on a public platform. a lot of people can’t do that. there’s people that follow my blog that openly admit they don’t like yandere/horror/whatever content. am i going to change what i post because of these people? no. not my problem. don’t care. i don’t exist to please everyone, and neither do you. stick to what you like.

don’t write for fandoms you don’t give a shit about just because they’re popular. even if what you like has a small, non-existent fan base, i promise you’ll enjoy writing for that more than something that you’re creating for clicks. notes are nice, but again, you don’t have to post everything you create. half the joy in writing is rediscovering old shit you don’t remember writing for a fandom you actually like. it’s like a reward.

[cheeto-flavoured-pasta]

Writeblr Intro, Part Two

Fuck yeah, I’m doing this again, because the other one sucked.

As the URL says, I’m cheeto-flavoured-pasta. Or just Cheeto. Or Pasta. I really don’t care. This was meant to be a strict writeblr-only, but I ditched it halfway through. This is a writeblr account, sure, but I do post/reblog other off-topic things (e.g. memes, rants, politics, etc.). Most of those are tagged under “not writeblr.”

I’m a hobbyist writer hoping to publish officially one day. I’ve hopped around online writing platforms (e.g Tapas or Webnovel; I am very hesitant about using Wattpad, sorry) but currently I’m not very active on many of them. I mostly write science fiction, dystopia (a mix of the two, really), with a side of some fantasy or contemporary works. Genre fiction aside, I occasionally dabble in poetry, be it free-verse, rhyming, or prose poems.

*WIP List Under The Cut!*

APS [A Powerful Secret]

Genre: Sci-fiction, dystopia, speculative trilogy

Current status: On Break

General Concept: After decades of hiding, superhumans are discovered in a corrupt society.

I’ve talked about this one the most, so I won’t babble for long; most of the info can be found on the APS WIP intro. It’s been my longest-running WIP so far, being a trilogy and all, but I’m currently putting it on the backburner for a while to work on other projects.

Running on Augments

WIP INTRO

Genre: Sci-fi, dystopia, cyberpunk series

Current status: First draft

General Concept [Book One]: It's been a year since Sylvester Strike woke up in the society of Xenom, where people are augmented cybernetically to accommodate to the work they do for the large companies that run the state — the Reform, everyone calls it. Much like everyone else, his memories are hazy, and all he can trust is the story of whatever government official came before him. The moment he tries to move on and accept his situation, his friend goes missing, and in the process, he’s forced to find out not only the real story of what happened before the Reform, but his own past as well.

I haven’t talked about this one at all, and that’s because there’s still some things left to this idea that I’ve yet to flesh out. Expect to hear a lot more about it once I’ve actually started writing it. I’ll definitely be making a WIP intro at some point in the coming months (hopefully. If I forget, show up to my door and slap me).

Aside from my mess of writing and novels and short stories and whatever shit goes on in my brain, here’s some other things to know about this blog:

I might as well get this out of the way first: this blog is pro-Palestine. Zionists and pro-Israel users, please DNI.

Same goes for racists, sexists, TERFs/transphobes, homophobes, ableists--- bigots of any kind, really. I don't tolerate prejudice.

I'm open to tag and ask games, though do note that just because I don't respond to a tag or ask doesn't mean I don't care; it likely slipped my mind.

Writeblr asks like WBW, STS (Worldbuilding Wednesday and Storytelling Saturday) are also welcome, although I might not send them a lot. Trying to get back in the habit of doing so.

I might also post some of my art here on the occasion (using that dingy side blog doesn't really feel right for me). Still working up the courage to do that, but I might drop a few sketches here and there.

Other interests/fandoms: TLoZ (mostly the Breath of the Wild sequence but I swear I’m trying to play the older games), The Magnus Archives/Protocol, Welcome to Night Vale, Malevolent, fiction podcasts in general, really.

That about wraps up everything, I suppose! Thanks for reading, and enjoy your stay here :)

[loksthegreat]

tell me about your most insane awful targ oc! and some brief summary of each of visenya's children? (looks, personality, spouse, fate etc)

Okay! sooo Visenya has 15 children that survive infancy so I’ll do a list up of those first and then maybe do a second post about my most insane targs, depending on how long this one’s gonna be!!

First we have Maegor II (103-157AC) he has his moms Valyrian features, hes somewhat buff (for a Targaryen man at least) and sun tanned from spending time in dorne. He was often teased for not having a dragon as a boy (Daemon gave him an egg, but it hatched into a Wyrm and took a bite it of his cheek, when he was a baby) so he’s a bit bitter and put all of his energy into becoming a great warrior, which paid off and eventually earned him the nickname of ‘the warrior among men’ (because u know the warrior from the seven), he’s always been serious and very focused on being the perfect heir and later king. He was 7 when Otto and Vissy fought so bad that they didn’t talk for 4 years, he’s a big mommas boy so he never really got close to Otto after that. He married princess Velaris Martell in 120 when they where both 17, (Visenya made a deal with Vels aunt and possibly fucked her dad to make that happen) they only knew each other for a year beforehand, but the marriage went surprisingly well, apart from their problems to conceive a child for the first 11 years. I head canon Maegor as a big fat asexual so that may have something to do with that… well they end up king and queen anyway in 149, they are good at ruling and Maegor claims Vermithor upon his moms death, so he can’t go and defeat the Pirates and fleet of the three sisters that attack from the stones! He has 6 kids in total, his daughter Rhaenys becomes queen after him and he is remembered as the warrior king. In 157 Maegor grabbed Blackfyre and was about to storm of and mount Vermithor after hearing about Aurys death, but had a stroke and died. (Also funfact: Visenya had a vision of Maegor the cruel during labor and on the ride to dragonstone (it was her first dragon flight) so she named him that. Otto is not a fan).

Baelor I (105-130AC) is a lot easier, he takes after his father in appearance, save for the violet eyes, he wears his hair in a bit of a snappy short cut, that he probably did himself (without a mirror) and is also relatively build, he lost an eye during his pirating years, so he usually wears an eye patch. He was very close to Maegor as a kid, his disappearance in 120 was a hit for Maegor. Baelor, Jaehaeron and Aerion were always big fans of their uncle Corlys and spend a LOT of time on Driftmark learning how to sail and all that oceany stuff. In 120 he was allowed to join Corlys on his journey to the stones for the first time and promptly got lost and picked up by pirates, his family thought he was dead and he didn’t know where the f he was so he just spend some time living his life until in 128 AC his brother Aerion stumbles upon him in Braavos and takes him home. He never marries and is generally not a very good time to be around. Probably the most traumatized out of Vissys kids. He fights for Visenya at sea and drowns when his ship is destroyed in 130 AC, though it’s a bit of a rumor that he just when back to the stones to return to his common life.

Saeron I (106-154AC) is the older one of Vissys first twin boys, he’s the most gentle and soft spoken of her generally pretty feral kids, he’s pretty with long silver hair, violet eyes, a rather feminine face and slender but tall build. He’s found of music and poetry, which is why he is called ‘prince silver tongue’ in comparison to his twin who needs a sword to get what he wants while Saeron just talks his way round the house all day every day. He’s married to Lady Zahna Dayne, she’s a fierce woman with a sharp tongue and a liking for swordsmanship, she’s also in love with his twin, while Saeron would rather be married to her cousin Ser Aryon of his mothers kingsguard, sooo u Von imagine it’s not that great of a marriage, (they’ve been married since 126 AC, after 6 years of engagement, because no one thought they were actually gonna marry). They have have 3 children, (which might be Rhaenars…) and Saeron would def get on the insane list for being religious lunatic and self proclaimed prophet, but he’s not all that awful!

Rhaenar I (106-144AC) is the younger twin and one of my favorites to be honest, he’s taller than Saeron, slender but well trained, with long straight silver hair and Ottos blue eyes, he looks like Saeron because of the hair but he’s not as pretty. He’s his moms biggest supporter and would def have been on her kingsguard if the opportunity had been there. He’s known as ‘Silverlance’ or ‘Steelskiss’ and as you may have guessed he’s a great swordsman, but despite what the nickname suggests he can be quite charismatic and a smooth talker as well. He was in love with his aunt Rhaena III from a young age but she died before they could be together. After that he took a liking to his brothers betrothed and spend more time with her than Saeron during her visits to the Keep and Dragonstone. He married Baela (daemons daughter) in 132 and had 4 children with her. He was out fighting in 144 AC when the city was under attack and dismounted his dragon to follow an enemy into a tower, he was slain it what became known as the silver night, because it also saw the end of 2 kingsguard knights, by an unknown enemy, his body was dragged back to the red keep by ser Aryon Dayne (he’s gonna get a promotion for that) and bleed out in the man’s arms. It is very much unknown who killed him, since he was an undefeated knight (Baela burned down the part of the city in which he was killed later).

Jaehaeron I (108-130AC) was born on the step stones, since Visenya was currently fighting, Corlys had to help with the delivery cause there weren’t any midwives (he did not recover from that ever, even though he sure likes to rub it in with Otto) he strongly takes after his father in looks. Jaehaeron never married, since his mom was saving her children’s hands to make alliances. He was a decent swordsman and formidable archer. He enjoyed Sailing and during the dance he would sail up the rivers of the Vale and upon being killed in battle with a rebellious house of the vale, he is said to have come back to live twice and set sails for Dragonstone to support Baelors fleet, he didn’t make it in time, but managed to severely destroy the enemy ships before succumbing to his injuries alone on the shores of Dragonstone. Many belief that his Ghost still haunts the island and it’s castle. He is often used as a symbol of a revenge and remembered as the ghost of Dragonstone and the demon of the gullet.

Aurys I (110-157AC) was born a good 8 and a half months after Otto and Visenya split, and duo to his strong resemblance of prince Daemon there are some rumors about him being a bastard, he wears his hair at shoulder length and is the shorts of Vissys children, supposedly born prematurely. He was called ‘the small prince’ for most of his youth until he made a name for himself as a warrior, when killing three armed assassins from across the narrow sea that were tasked to kill the princes and her children, at only 12 years of age, after this he became known as ‘ser bloodnight’. He is a intelligent man and strategic advisor to his mother and later brother. He died in 157 in one of the first battles of the war of the Riverlands, falling from his dragon, and being impaled on a large lance. He was married to Rhaena IV (daemons daughter) they had only one daughter, Elaena I, who was said to be the spitting image of her father.

Okay so this took longer than I thought and it’s late so I’ll just update this with the other kids and the mad targs tomorrow cause I’m tired. Also if you wanna see some art of Visenyas kids I have a series of I think 6?? Posters with little introduction of them on them, I’ll see if I can tag them here, but check them out anyway!!! As always feel free to ask any more questions you might have!!

[whatsnewalycat]

Can you tell me more about your writing process?

I’m literally enthralled by your writing and want to know everything about how you approach your ideas — once you get one, what are your next steps?

You’re phenomenal ❤️

Oh man ok let’s see. I apologize in advance for how long this is (I, too, don’t want to be this intense, I promise).

Once I get an idea that I’m stoked about, the extent to what I do next depends on if it’s a series or a one shot, but I’ll usually try to get a handle on the main characters involved. If it’s a one shot it’s almost entirely vibes, I stg, I just wing the characters and storyline, but follow the same kind of editing process as I do series chapters.

If it’s a series, I’ll make a folder for the series in my notes app, and a note for each main character and start writing down ideas for their main characteristics and backstories. This is usually when I make a Spotify playlist for the series.

Then I make a rough outline for the story based on these characters and the initial idea.

From there I can kind of tell what things I want to do more research into before starting writing. I’ll make a note for each of those things and dump anything I find helpful or interesting into the notes. Like… for Psychomanteum I have notes with: links to tabloid articles, excerpts from research papers on psychomanteums, quotes from this book on grief, excerpts from and links to articles on sexual grieving, etc etc.

After this I go back to the characters and flesh them out a little more. I’ll look at lists of characteristics, make sims (seriously), watch the source material for PP characters, look at character archetypes, and think of people I know IRL for inspiration. Then once I think I know them, I revisit the outline and tweak it accordingly.

When I’m ready to start writing a chapter, which i dont start to do for honestly like… months after the initial idea, I’ll make an outline for each of the scenes I want and start trying to write them. I’ll just kind of word vomit out my ideas and try my hardest not to deal w the parts i think are crappy right away (which is hard because, despite what a chaotic mess I am, I am a fucking perfectionist). Most of the time I end up either not strictly sticking to the outline or writing alternative scenes, too, because idk sometimes it feels like the characters wouldn’t do that??? And I like to have options?

Once i write all the scenes, I take a break for at least a day, then back in and reread and tweak things like, I don’t know, one million fucking times 😂 I end up rewriting a lot of pieces and fleshing things out when I do this though.

When I mostly like it and cut out all the things I don’t want (I always save these scraps in a separate doc because I might want to use some stuff later), I smoke some weed, read a bunch of poetry, put on my playlist, and edit it again. If I ever refer to “the stoned edit” this is it lol. I always end up adding a lot more sensory details and better explaining emotions when I do this.

Then I read It once or twice more for spelling, grammar, formatting, fine tooth comb stuff. I’ll usually post it and immediately find some errors anyway 🥰 but what can ya do lol.

AHHHHH hopefully this helps and isnt Just like… me blabbing on about useless shit 😂

OH ALSO! The book “consider this” by chuck palahniuk has been super helpful for me as far as writing tips and stuff. I’ve listened to that audiobook like... four times because I can’t remember shit ever lmfaooo It’s always helpful imo. I also really like to listen to audiobooks of horror novels and find them inspiring because they’re usually so visceral and engrossing.

OK SERIOUSLY SHUTTING UP NOW SORRY

[loderlied]

UNUSUAL OC ASSOCIATIONS

tagged by @camelliagwerm thank you! god i am so sorry i completely forgot to post this, it was rotting in my drafts😭 i’ll do ven and ollie.

VEN

Seasoning: hm. my gut says curry powder for some reason

Weather: typical april weather

Colour: pink, grey and violet

Magic Power: conjuring her kinetic fire?

House Plant: cactus. one of those small, round ones with flowers on top

Weapon: she doesn’t normally use weapons, but i think she’d have fun with a sling.

Subject: drama. yes she’s a fucking theater kid

Social Media: don’t think she’d use a specific site, she’d be an annoying troll on everything

Make-up Product: she has a collection of lipsticks that are all wildly different in colour. so that, i guess.

Candy: center shock! does anyone else know these. they’re like sour gum with tons of wild flavours

Fear: having emotions; accepting that she is an actual person and not some puppet

Ice cube shape: dinosaurs! other cool creatures! she’d use those trays you can put the water in all the time

Method of long distance travel: getting carried by regongar

Art style: abstract + surrealism

Mythological creature: imp

Piece of stationary: one of those multi-colour pens

3 emojis: 🎭🃏🤡

Celestial body: comet

OLEANDER

Seasoning: herbs

Weather: eerie, dark rainy day in the countryside

Colour: dark green and a reddish brown

Sky: cloudy

Magic Power: shapeshifting, making people rot from the inside with a touch of his hand (charming fellow!)

House Plant: trick question! all of them!

Weapon: again, mostly does not use weapons but instead gores people on his shambling mound shape branches. does that count? if it doesn’t, he’s also able to use bows pretty efficiently.

Subject: Biology + Philosophy

Social Media: obscure wildlife/nature forum, one of those ppl who has the best and most informative posts but it’s very obvious to everyone reading that he has issues when he briefly mentions his personal life in one of them (“uhh why is apocynaceae43 talking about the mother of beasts in his latest gardening tutorial??”)

Make-up Products: blood and guts :)

Candy: blueberries, all berries are good though

Fear: failing

Ice cube shape: cubes

Method of long distance travel: transforming into a vulture and flying

Art style: Romantic

Mythological creature: witches (almost was one before i went with druid)

Piece of stationary: old handmade journal for his poetry

3 emojis: 🥀🌳🙏

Celestial body: hm. black hole maybe?

[britneyshakespeare]

another tag

today is a twofer brought to you by @buddyhollyscurls

1. Are you named after anyone?

No :^) people have asked me before if I was named after Princess Diana but. No it’s just the only other name my parents could agree on for a girl. I’m the second born in a set of twins with two older brothers, so my parents never anticipated having to name another girl until they got the news.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Couple days ago over pain and health anxiety.

3. Do you have kids?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no. But I have four chickens that I love dearly.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I’m generally pretty witty and jovial but I’d say I’m less sarcastic than just silly and goofy. I’m not one of those people that sees sarcasm as the funniest sort of humor; I use it sparingly. I prefer to be the joke.

5. What sports do you play/have played?

NONE lol. But watching swordfights in Shakespeare plays recently (and also a cute artist’s model I used to have a crush on) has made me have passing thoughts of “what if I tried fencing...” (never gonna happen though, especially not now with my health being what it is)

6. What's the first thing you notice about people?

Physically or personality-wise? If someone meets me in real life they probably notice my red hair, I suppose, since that’s a rather rare trait. But I don’t post my face all that much, especially not anymore, so it’s not like everyone who interacts with me here would first notice that. They probably notice my eclectic mix of interests and eccentric personality first. 

Although in real life I’m very reserved; I don’t share much of myself. People often pick up despite that though that I’m rather intelligent, and I don’t say that as though *I* think I’m exceptionally intelligent, but that is the way people treat me automatically sometimes when I’m not necessarily trying to show off. Idk it’s weird. I’ve always very much been the “quiet smart girl” when that’s not what I feel best represents me. It’s a very limiting role to be assigned. It’s like being written off, in a way.

7. What's your eye color?

Bleu, bleu, l’amour est bleu... 

(that is a Vicky Leandros song)

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Scary movies WITH happy endings. Shakespeare’s The Winter’s Tale.

9. Any special talents?

One could argue my poetry portrays some level of talent... cough follow @creatediana

10. Where were you born?

The Merrimack Valley region of New England. Miss Mary Mack Mack Mack all dressed in black black black. Fun fact that song is a reference to the Merrimack River and NOW YOU KNOW.

11. What are your hobbies?

Probably reading and writing are the major ones, but I’ve also enjoyed a lot of music in my life (both playing it and listening to it... but I’ve always been better at listening than playing). Acting and theater for a very short stint, although I wouldn’t be opposed to doing it ever again under the *very correct* circumstances (which would basically have to fall in my lap because I’m never seeking that shit out again). 

12. Do you have any pet?

My doggy Dickens who is a little bastard fucker and also my sweetheart. Dickens ‘n chickens.

13. How tall are you?

5′7″ but... I can get on my knees if you need me to be smaller

14. Favorite subject in school?

I loved all of them, truly. Especially in college, my enjoyment depended a lot more on the enthusiasm of my professor than the subject. But one thing I’ve learned to love more in recent years is science and the visual arts. Those always eluded me when I was younger. But back in the day my favorite classes were theater, English, Spanish, history, and my guitar classes. Typical humanities girly.

15. Dream job?

Job? Fuck you, pay me. 

I’m a schoolteacher.

I would like it better if it had more financial incentives and if there weren’t so many systemic failures in the education system.

I tag: uhhmmm let me see... I’ll do @sneez @david-watts @dylaissante @angelblooms @personshapedsplder @titoro @shecomesincolors @nebylitsa @porsiempretriste and @renjunnipeikko .... if you can HANDLE IT 

(or just if you want to)

(anyone can do this actually and tag me back I love you guys xoxox)

[wildechild3]

Some character memes to celebrate my fanfic being finished! I’ll have it posted on AO3 later today after I’m finished with my classes. For now though, enjoy my rambling bullshit lol.

I’ll put some explanations below the keep reading so no one gets a wall of text on their dash.

Maurice:

OH MY BOY. MY DARLING BOY. I am him and he is me. Every time I read the book or watch the movie, I see so much of myself in him (excluding the misogyny). Hence why I cannot treat him with any gentleness nor care. I have to dissect him and see what’s going on in there, because maybe if I can understand him, I can understand myself a bit better too. We should also both go to therapy. That should definitely happen.

(Headcanon: he is autisitc. That’s it that’s the headcanon. I will not be taking any criticism but if you want an explanation just lemme know.

EDIT: I am kicking myself in the face for forgetting this. I also headcanon Maurice as a househusband if/when they can afford it. He just gives off that vibe and I love that for him.)

Alec:

HOLY FUCK DID FORSTER PUT COCAINE IN THIS MAN WHEN HE MADE THIS CHARACTER???? He is my favorite character and my current king blorbo. I want nothing more than a small version of this little lad to carry around in my pocket. I adore him. He’s perfect. Desperately looking for a woman like him in the real world to wifey. I’m in love. I am an Alec Scudder stan first, a lesbian second, and a person third. Maurice has an A+, lesbian approved, shiny gold star, taste in men. The fact that Alec calls himself ‘rough and ugly’ makes me want to sob because he’s NOT. He’s literally a sweetheart and the goodest cutest boy around.

(Headcanons: 100% a wife/husband-guy. Literally loves his spouse more than anything and finds any form of ‘i hate my spouse’ joke stupid. Is definitely a mama’s boy. Also, he likes poetry about nature (Walt Whitman especially) and wants to visit the US some day. He is a total nature nerd and had he had the resources, I swear this man would’ve been a naturalist or something of the like.)

Kitty:

Look. I know there’s barely any information about her in the book and movie. But what if I told you I was in love with her? She stands up to Maurice when he’s being a world-class asshole, and isn’t afraid to chew his ass out in the epilogue for leaving the family (although he was justified in doing so). Something something passionate smart women something something incredibly attractive. Also, because there isn’t a whole lot stated about her in canon, I can go insane and project :)

(Headcanon: the hottest femme lesbian you’ll find in 1910s england ;) )

Clive:

TikTok come get ya mans. Look, I’ll be dead honest I don’t like Clive, but I don’t like the complete villainization of him either. He made a choice many queer men had to make during that time period. I will NEVER dislike Clive because he ended the relationship with Maurice. He was trying to keep himself safe and out of prison.

I WILL HOWEVER hate him for HOW he went about his relationship with Maurice. Throughout the book/movie he dismisses Maurice’s feelings (including when Maurice was expressing suicidal ideation). He treats Maurice as someone who will always be there when he needs him, but does not reciprocate this for Maurice, going so far as to leave Maurice at his estate alone for days at a time like some sort of pet. He isn’t as bothered by the end of their relationship, because for him it was never really THE end. He never expected Maurice to find someone else.

Clive couldn’t love Maurice in the way he needed to be loved, Alec could.

(Headcanon: Clive was incredibly bitter and upset once he realized that Maurice had left for good with Alec. He wouldn’t learn about Alec and Maurice still being together after all these years until Chapman mentions that Ada told him that Kitty (long game of telephone going on here I know) saw Maurice with some man. He’d put two and two together really quick and would probably have another breakdown. Idk. He seems like the type to get pushed over by a strong gust of wind so I wouldn’t put it past him to breakdown over his first love still living happily with someone else, when it could’ve been him.)

[chornayadrakoshig]

20 questions for fic writers

Tagged by @1lostsoul0fishbowl <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 

156! (Technically, 158, but two of them are in a fandom fest and will be anonymous for 2 or 3 more weeks I think). Also I want to mention that I don’t use ao3 for fics exclusively – actually I plan to slowly archive all my visual fanworks there as well!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 

280,716

3. What fandoms do you write for? 

Code Lyoko is my main fandom and has been for about 12-13 years, though I wrote my first fic for it a bit later, in 2014. Harry Potter is still my second largest by the works posted, but besides a long-standing WIP and fandom exchanges/requests here and there, I don’t touch this fandom anymore. Current second favorite is Stranger Things :) 

In general I have about 18 unique fandoms (without counting sequels/adaptations and original works) on my ao3 profile, but most of them have just a handful of works each.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

God my stats after fully moving to ao3 are fucking depressing xD Let’s not talk about it.

5. Do you respond to comments? 

Yes! It’s usually not a long conversation but I love to share details about my works if anybody asks questions.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? 

Angst is my second name xD Almost a third of my works on ao3 is tagged angst, so it’s hard to pick one, but I’ll mention this (technically untitled) oneshot (Code Lyoko, Odd/Aelita)

Usually I love angst and open endings but with this one it bothered me so much that I actually have plans for a sequel to give these characters some happy ending for god’s sake.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? 

… okay that’s even harder question. Let’s say this one (also Code Lyoko, also Odd/Aelita). Disregard that it starts from another pairing’s breakup

8. Do you get hate on fics? 

Not really? Nowadays I don’t even get that many comments (I hate the spambot that I get on ao3 all the time with passion), but even prior to that the most heated thing I’d see in my comment section is “your OC is a Maru Sue”. And they’d list the characteristics that another commenter mentioned as the reason they think the same OC is well-developed and not MS at all! To each their own, I guess

9. Do you write smut? 

I’ve published… five fics that have sexual content in one way or the other, and only one of them is explicit. Truly, I’m not good with something above erotica level. I do have plans to write more smut (for petty reasons) but these won’t see the light of day for a few month because I’m saving them for a fandom event

10. Do you write crossovers? 

I rarely get good plot ideas for crossovers (I gravitate towards AUs mostly). I’ve posted 2 (a oneshot and one neverending WIP)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? 

A few times, yeah. One of my HP fics almost reached 3k likes on the website that was my main posting platform prior to ao3, so as you can imagine, at some point shit hit the fan. Also had one microfic (or microoriginal, to be precise) stolen as a fancy text for social media post. Luckily in each instance they were deleted quickly.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? 

Nope (at least nothing I know of, I have blanket permission on my profile), but I do translate fics myself :)

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? 

Not really. I have a shared setting/universe idea with my best friend, but we mostly wrote and drew our own separate things in it, our characters not interacting. I worked on co-translating multiple fics however.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? 

I guess Oddlita? I don’t usually have “OTPs” as in “the only ship I ship in a fandom”, but since it’s from my main fandom and they’ve been a favorite for over a decade, they kinda get this status. But I ship insane amount of other ships in this fandom (including the ones contradicting my favorite) xD

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

At one point I got a kick for a very specific poetry format and I decided to write parody/retelling of the original series in poems. I covered 3 episodes and never touched this thing again.

16. What are your writing strengths? 

I think I’m pretty good with making it sound poetic, playing with sentence length and structure (maybe that’s why I find writing fic in English so hard and limiting, idk).

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I’m so bad at plotting it’s not even funny xD For some reason my brain tends to create a single vague scene idea with no start and no end. I’m a chronic oneshot/vignette writer.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? 

It depends? If it’s a phrase or two – fine, great, no problem. Otherwise we are starting a footnotes hell (have you read fucking War and Peace? I did), unless you’re writing for an audience that for sure knows both languages well which is. Very specific. So for long dialogue I prefer to keep it in one language, maybe highlight in italics, and if it’s from a POV of a character who doesn’t speak the language, break up the dialogue with notes how POV character doesn’t understand what is going on.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Merlin BBC. Never finished that fic.

20. Favorite fics you’ve written? 

Why these questions are so hard xD I’d say this microfic (Code Lyoko, William/Yumi) because back when I originally posted it my readers thought it was smut from the first paragraph and just screamed at me in the comments xD idk I just remember that interaction so vividly it makes me cackle every time

[twogirlsoneblogiguess]

Look At Us. Hey. Look At Us. Look At Us. Huh? Who Woulda Thought? Not Me.

Not us doing another joint project.

Who are we though? I guess I'll let Maeghan introduce herself first.

"Where to start? I’m on my 33rd rotation around the sun, and trying to escape prison planet. IYKYK. But in all seriousness I’m a full grown, ADHD riddled catastrophe and working on living my best life a little more every day. I have a whole grown human that calls me “mom” and a husband that I adore as equally as much as I want to fight him in a WWE ring with chairs. I have three fur babies I adore that go by the names of Zoey, Raiden, and Ludo. My love for a good story is something I’ll never shy away from because in a world that can be so up and down, nothing will ever beat the feeling of reading or writing something meaningful. I can be pretty funny if you stick around long enough to see past my RBF, and people say my heart is pretty big. Who’s to say how true that is, I’ll let you be the judge. 

Oh yeah, my name's Maeghan, nice to meet ya."

Prison planet you ask? Understandable. Maybe she'll write about it one of these days lmao.

So, I'm Jac. Short for Jacqueline, in case that wasn't obvious. I see Maeghan's ADHD and raise her diagnosed OCD. I'm the double Libra to her Scorpio (though had I been born on my due date I too would have been evil), the 5'8' to her 5'3', the goddamn light of her entire life tbfh. Sorry Andrew.

What's there to say about me? I'm a cat person through and through. I have three - Morty, Neferpitou and Poe. I've been married twice and working on the second divorce as we speak. Maybe I'll talk about that on here. Maybe I won't. I have a pretty complicated relationship with my spirituality. I read tarot. I have a podcast. I have agoraphobia in a legitimate I don't leave the house kind of way, but I'm working on that. I love to talk. I'm a certified yapper. Naturally that's led to an interest in writing, typically poetry - though I'm fully aware that almost immediately means you won't wanna take me seriously. But I think I'm pretty alright at it. I have heavy earth energy in my chart (Virgo moon and several Capricorn placements) so I promise you I'll never post something I'm not proud of. I'm a Sagittarius Venus. Words of affirmation are my love language (with gift giving being a close second). Being agoraphobic, my home is my shelter, my solace, my safe place. I fill it with color and candles and cats and sometimes it feels like the only thing I'm really getting right. That sounds more bleak than I wanted it to. But maybe it's just bleak enough. I really, really like the person I am at a soul level. I'm just never super in love with how I show up in this timeline. I've got mommy issues and body issues. I've survived some pretty traumatic things almost entirely on my own. I fall in love easily and take people at face value - I've been called gullible too many times to count but I think I'm just hopeful, optimistic even. I'm a little bit mean but never when I need to be. I will forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive. I'm kinda hard to get to know on a deep level, sometimes I think no one alive really knows me - in fact I'm sure of it - if you think you do, you don't. Everyone calls me their best friend, tells me their life story, opens up in a way they say they've never opened up to anyone but I've found that most people just want a sounding board...and so I comply. Am I kind or am I just codependent? I'm so carefully curated that sometimes it's hard for people to love me when I feel safe enough to be soft. I always know more than you think that I do. I'm really fucking funny.

BUT

If there's one thing you need to know about me, one single piece of information above all others...I'm Team Kendrick. Dot, fuck 'em up.

See you soon.

Maeghan & Jac

[sunriseverse]

For the fic writer asks: 2, 3, 4, 7, 9, 10, 13

2. Where did you first post your fics?

i actually spent years writing fanfic by hand because i didn’t have an email address to set up an account to post my writing with (probably for the better, since it was all quite bad by my current standards), but once i did i started off with ffnet—though my account there is in permanent hiatus and i don’t cross post anything anymore, and have a permanent “find me on ao3 at the same username” section in my profile, and it’s not just because the UI is terrible.

3. What was your first fandom?

i was going to say warriors, but then i realised i actually got into guardians of ga’hoole a year before i read warriors, so that’s the answer i guess. despite how flawed the books are, they hold a special place in my heart. also, seemingly post-apocalyptic owl society with magic and armour fucks. (i also got into the swordbird series years later, to no surprise, for many of the same reasons.)

4. A fic of yours you think is underrated?

probably daymare! it’s very short, and i mainly wrote it as a thought exercise, style experiment, and exploration of a dropped canon thread, and since it’s not shippy or about the main cast of the REST of the series it hasn’t gotten much attention, which i think is a shame because i, personally, think it’s quite good.

7.What's the best title you've come up with?

i’ll be honest choosing titles is one of my two most hated things about posting fanfic, so titles don’t stick with me too much (i usually cannot recognise my own works based off title alone). but i guess ghost rhythms isn’t a half bad original title when you consider i mostly steal from poetry or lyrics.

9. Do you read your own fics for fun?

yeah sometimes. i tend to enter a fugue state when i write so i genuinely don’t remember what i’ve written very well, especially after a few days, let alone weeks or months. my writing is decent so i tend to enjoy rereading it when i stumble across it again in a tag.

10. Do you post WIPs or wait until you're finished writing to post?

depends. most of what i write are oneshots, even if they tend to be 5k+, so i wait until i have the entire thing written before i post. on the other hand, the few times i’ve actively written multichapter fics, assuming they didn’t get abandoned, i usually just post update to update and don’t bother trying to write everything out before i post, because then i just get pissed and bored waiting. that said recently i’ve gotten into actually outlining my multichapter projects and, what would you know, it’s actually really helpful! and necessary for sunrise specifically, since it has so many moving parts.

[gold-andgranite]

sweet disaster // the notes + the prologue

hey y’all! ever since finding the tgm community here on tumblr earlier this summer I’ve had a little idea floating around I just couldn’t let go of. after incubating said idea (read: storyboarding and note taking/ visualizing scenes as I’m driving/ having hot girl backyard time/ while washing dishes/ as I am folding laundry/ etc. etc. etc.), I got a first little prologue-y type chapter written up! I have a vague idea of where this fic is headed but I’m allowing myself the creative freedom to not have anything super nailed down yet, and instead just letting this little world evolve however it will. we will find out together! I have missed writing lately, and even though most of my writing over the years has been either academic or free verse poetry, I’m excited to give prose a try! 

a bit of housekeeping: I wrote this initial bit as a second person pov but with a named character (we are JJ). it’s what felt the most comfortable to write, but if it really weirds all y’all out, I’d be willing to accept that constructive criticism and switch to a different pov. I want us to feel immersed, but if it gets clunky (especially with, perhaps, pov changes later on) then I’m willing to change the pov, and that would include tweaking this chapter as well post-posting. 

as far as warnings go? each chapter will have chapter-specific warnings, as needed, but overall this story will touch on mental health issues, a bit of angst, some smut down the road, language, military inaccuracies, etc. basically the usual warnings for most fics on here -- like I said, I will update those warnings for each chapter as they arise. we’re starting off super mellow with just a slight language warning for this teaser trailer appetizer thing. 

okay! I think that about does it for now! I’m really excited to go on this journey with y’all!

-- goldi 

“JJ, come ON! You have nothing else going on today! You’re taking a day off from working out, you went grocery shopping yesterday, and I know you’re not working later today, either.” She ticks the reasons off on her fingers before throwing a particular withering look your way, dropping her chin to really send the point home. You inhale sharply, lowering the coffee mug from your lips, counterpoints halfway off your tongue, already feeling the words in your mouth – but, well, fuck. As your best friend, roommate, and coworker – you didn’t have counterpoints. And she knew it, fighting her smile at first, being a good sport about it, but you both knew her eyes were twinkling with excitement.

“Okay. Okay.” You put your hands up in surrender, laughing now, as she squeals and rushes forward to throw her arms around you.

“Yay! Yay! Emi said yes, too! I promise, J, it’s gonna be fun. We’ll have fun! It’s something different! And . . .” she smirks, really going heavy on the whole “devil in the angel’s eyes” thing. “I wanna go support our troops, you know?”

At that, you roll your eyes. “Really, Kennedy? This still?”

“YES.” She held your shoulders in her hands, staring directly into your soul. “JJ. My last date was a fuckin’ trainwreck. I can’t do it anymore! I don’t wanna keep sifting through shitty profiles on my phone only to get a go on a lukewarm-at-best, somebody-sedate-me at worst date!!” She’s graduated to shaking your shoulders, a quarter laughing but three quarters serious. Parker, the most recent online dating disaster, was a pretty bad date for her, you knew that – beginning with when he honked and texted “here” to come pick Kennedy up. She hates that shit – you all do, of course. The group chat went feral over that one. 

“I know, Ken. I’m sorry. I’ll go, okay? I’ll be your wingwoman, if you need. I just – I really don’t want you to get hurt, okay? You’ve had your fair share of shitbags, and –”

“JJ, god, I’m not looking for anything serious! This is an attempt at streamlined efficiency more than anything else,” she giggles. “I just wanna go spend my afternoon looking confused at an air show, take in the beauty of the United States military machine” – cue eye roll – “flirt with as many men as possible, and see how many numbers I can get. We’ll be like those women in the USO in the forties! It’s really your patriotic duty, J.”

“My patriotic duty?? USO? Jesus, Ken –” you break off, fully cackling now, coffee set down on the counter a safe distance from where you’re gripping the counter bent over laughing. “Should we bring little American flags to hand out, too?”

That catches her off guard. “I mean . . . I think I’m covered on the tiny flag front . . .” The mischief glints in her eyes over a knowing smile, a language in which only best friends are fluent.

“KENNEDY!” You gasp, pretending to be scandalized. Your best friend could kill a man without laying a single finger on him, you know this, but her penchant for flair still caught you off guard at times. “You are NOT wearing your stars and stripes undies to this air show! I thought you were just getting phone numbers!” 

Kennedy sighs, planting her hands on her hips. “Ohh, but I am, J. I am.” She passes by you, patting your back. “We leave in an hour! Emi is meeting us there!” she sings as she glides down the hallway. “It’s gonna be fuuuuuuuun! You’re gonna have fun, JJ!!”

You turn back to your coffee, threading your fingers through the handle, shaking your head at Kennedy’s antics. You knew she was right; if all you did today was watch your best friend flirt with men in uniform, narrating the encounters documentary-style with Emi, then it’d be worth it. 

Memorable, at the very least.

[palebeans]

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

How cliche it is to be writing a blog post about being lonely. What year is it? Am I a teenager in 2005, crying and writing bad poetry about the boy who broke my heart? Am I twenty-one in 2008, complaining about getting dumped by the junkie I knew was a bad idea? Am I twenty-five in 2012, worrying about falling in love for the last time? No, I’m thirty-six, still sitting in a shitty office building, wondering why I'm so lonely and none of my friends want to spend time with me. I know as we age, we get more and more in a routine of staying home and spending time with our families or partners, but this is getting ridiculous. I see my best friend who lives in Brooklyn more than my friends who live down the street. I see my coupled friends more than I see my single friends. I see the fictional characters on New Girl, Broad City, and You're the Worst more than I see my actual, real friends.

We have entered a culture where text messages are more like emails. I imagine my friends thinking, “I’ll respond when I have time and it might be a day or it might be a week. Who knows? I’ll get back to you when I feel like, even though I’m constantly on my phone.”

I feel extremely neglected by my friends. I’m constantly reaching out and checking in on them. I'm always available and willing to drive to meet them or listen to them dump out their complaints. I offer advice and a safe haven, but receive nothing in return. Texts, calls, and messages go unanswered. Birthdays go unnoticed. Anxiety and depression get brushed under the rug. I’m always there for them, but no one is there for me.

My mind always resorts to proclaiming that I'm a loser, a bad friend, or really annoying. Brett says I’m amazing, but he’s my husband, so he’s biased. I really do wonder if I am a person who people don’t want to be around. Am I an after thought? Do my friends ever think about me? Do they miss me? I am fulfilled when it comes to my romantic relationship, but I feel a huge gaping hole when it comes to my friendships. I desire so deeply to spend time with friends and just hang out. I know we’re not in our twenties anymore, but does that mean hanging out has to come to an end? Why do I have to schedule a slot on my friends’ calendars months in advance to see them? Why does everyone act like they’re “so busy” when I know they’re just at home sitting on the couch scrolling through Instagram? 

If you’re capable of sending me banal memes, then we can spend some fucking time together. I know you don’t want to do anything; I don’t want to do anything either! We can lounge on the couch in sweat pants and watch something mindless. I just don’t want to be alone and I know you don’t either. Whatever you want to do, I’m down. I just don’t want to be alone.

Nevertheless, I miss my friends and I either need to find new ones or get used to spending my nights alone. Everyone is busy having moved on and I’m still waiting by the phone.

[thefanficmonster]

Bumpy Road

Corpse Husband x Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Swearing, Mentions of Depression and Relationship struggles as well as Health Problems

Genre: Mild Angst, Romance, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: On a live podcast discussing his rise to fame and how its affected his personal life, Corpse stumbles over the topic of his romantic relationships, more specifically his relationship with Y/N.

Requested by Anon. Hello dear! Thank you so much for your wonderful request and so sorry you’ve had to wait for it to be posted so long. However, here it finally is and I hope you come across it and read it an if you do I hope you enjoy it! Love, Vy ❤

“Right, ok we’re officially live!“ Exclaims Anthony as he waves to one of the cameras - the one turned to him - and leans closer to the mic placed on the table in front of him. “Hello everyone, thanks for tuning in today. I’m here with the internet sensation and mystery known as Corpse Husband.“ He turns away from the camera to look across the table at his guest, “Corpse, I hope you know how much effort is being put into editing that sticker over your face for the duration of this whole podcast.“

Corpse, whose face is hidden by a sticker of his avatar, chuckles, “So you’re insinuating that I should probably not move so much.”

“Exactly.“ Anthony laughs, “My guy would be very grateful for that curtesy. Yeah, I have an actual person who I assigned to move around the sticker so there goes an extra paycheck.“

“In that case I promise to give you worthy content. A lot of never previously heard scoop.“ Corpse says, mocking the very words he uses, laughing about them afterwards, “Ask away, man.“

Anthony briefly looks down at a printed sheet of paper before pushing it to the side with a slight furrow of his brows, “You know, these are all cookie-cutter questions you’ve probably been asked many times before. So, I think it’s for the best I ask you something no one has had you talk about. Or something I hope no one has had you talk about yet. If you feel uncomfortable with any question just say so and we’ll skip it right away.“

The sticker moves up and down to mask Corpse’s face as he nods, “Got it.”

“Ok um...“ Anthony falls in thought for a moment, thinking of a question, “The first thing off the top of my head, um, what part of the dark side of fame have you had the displeasure of experiencing?“

Corpse lets out a laugh dangerously close to a scoff, “Almost all if not totally all of it really. There’s such a big chunk of privacy being taken away from you on social media. I got to that point where I felt so naked and seen I felt I was losing myself as my fandom grew. I know it’s many YouTubers’ dream to blow up and have a ton of fans and followers but I never wanted that. Don’t get me wrong, I love each and every one of my fans, I just never expected to accumulate so many of them. I’m such a private person, it was so anxiety inducing in the beginning but I sort of learned how to cope with it, you know? Sometimes, in order to stop people from reaching into my real privacy, I created a fake one that I’d feed into and let them enjoy.”

Anthony’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise, “Wow, how do we know what’s real about you anymore, huh?” It was said more as a joke but he truly meant it. If a person can fake a whole reality for people not to touch into their real one, Lord knows what else they can do.

Corpse huffs, “I’ll give you a hint: If it seems pretty, pink, peach and perfect it’s fake.“ The sticker may be hiding his face from the viewers but it’s most definitely not doing anything to shield the change in expression that occurs on his face from Anthony who’s sitting right across from him and notices the shift right away but before he could question it, Corpse prods on, “Y/N, my partner, can tell you just as much. They know better than anyone what’s the difference between what people know and what the reality is. They know that our relationship isn’t the sunny skies we put on display for our fans. I have my mental and physical health issues, my trust issues and paranoia play a big role in the ‘rains’ in our day-to-day life but they understand it’s all a part of me and a part I can’t control. It actually controls me sometimes and it’s so fucking annoying. But they understand. And while we pretend it’s perfect even though it isn’t, we find our happiness wherever and whenever we can. When it rains so often, you might as well look for a little hint of sunlight. That sunlight can create a rainbow after all. Believe me when I say, that rainbow is the most beautiful thing, makes you forget about the storm that just took place or might even be still raging all around.“ He sighs, preparing to bring his outpour of honesty to a close, “It may be a bumpy road 98% of the time even though on social media we pretend it’s the complete opposite, but that 2% of honest happiness we get from the tiniest of things are more meaningful than I could describe to you with words.“

And he’s more than right, words are often not enough. But the ones he used to describe what he just did were perfectly enough to bring one particular viewer to tears. That particular viewer who knows exactly what he was talking about. Because they are his other half and they’re going through it the same as he is. They’ve gone down that bumpy road side by side with him, ignoring the pain and turmoil while focusing their gaze on the rainbow above. That analogy was theirs from the very start after all. They both knew Y/N is the better one at finding the deeper meaning in everything even when there was nothing to be found.

They always found something. And Corpse will always cherish that trait as one of their best - always finding something to keep them both afloat.

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[the-bau-quinjet]

Always

Summary: You overhear Steve talking to Bucky about going back to be with Peggy. Rather than confronting the situation, you write him a letter.

Warnings: I cried just thinking about writing this, so much angst, some swearing

Word Count: 3305

a/n: here it is folks: the sad fic I mentioned a few posts ago. Inspired by a multitude of songs from the album Ashlyn by Ashe. I high key recommend listening to that album while you read or just in general. I'm pretending like nobody died in Endgame because that shit is sad and I know this is sad aside from that, but I still have a heart ya know?

Per usual, any song lyrics (or song lyrics that I changed a bit) are in bold! I think used lyrics from Me Without You, Save Myself, I'm Fine, Love is Not Enough, and Always.

Masterlist

"You'd really want to go back?" You overheard Bucky right before you walked into Steve's room.

"I don't know." He let out a deep sigh. "I mean, I do know, but what do you think?" Steve's answer left you wondering what they were discussing.

"All for Peggy?" Your heart stopped waiting for Steve to reply.

Another sigh escaped his lips. You could easily picture him running his hands down his face, a signal he was deep in thought. "I mean, I never got a chance to see what would happen with her. Don't you think she deserves this much?"

You felt frozen. You couldn't hear the rest of Steve's answer or Bucky's reply over the sound of blood rushing through your ears.

It was all too much to handle. Rather than confront the grab bag of emotions swimming inside of you, you turned around and went back to your room in a zombie like haze.

"Friday, don't let anyone in my room."

You know the AI replied, but you were still too caught up in thought to understand it. Your mind was full of questions you knew you couldn't figure out the answers to alone.

Why would Steve want to go back for Peggy when he had you? Why would he even consider it if he loved you like he said he does? Is he still in love with Peggy? Has he been in love with her the whole time? Why would he choose her when he's spent so much more time with you?

"Y/N?" The sound of Steve's voice outside your door startled you. "Y/N, honey, are you in there?"

You could hear the doorknob rattling in his attempt to open it, but Friday was doing as you asked.

"I thought you were going to meet me downstairs?"

His words only broke your heart more, a small sniffle escaping despite your efforts to remain quiet.

"Are you not feeling well? What's wrong?"

His questions were left unanswered, much like the questions swimming around your head.

Steve kept talking to you through the door for a while, but you never replied. You weren't ready to face him, not until you knew you wouldn't say something you'd later regret.

-

The next few days carried on much the same. You refused to leave your room, relying on various snacks and protein bars you had for food. Every few hours, you would try to write down what you were feeling, but it didn't help calm you down the same way it typically did.

Everyone tried talking to you, but nothing worked. Steve spent hours outside your door every day in an effort to get you to talk to him, but you just couldn't figure out your emotions. It was all still too much to handle.

Late one night, Steve said something that forced you into action.

"Y/N, I don't know what happened, but if I did something I'm truly sorry. I'm returning the stones tomorrow. We've never not said goodbye before a mission... I just hope this one is the same."

You listened as he quietly walked back down the hallway, steps slowly receding until you were left in the same absolute silence you've spent the last few days.

You knew you had to talk to him, but hearing him say to your face that he's staying with Peggy would kill you.

You couldn't survive a permanent goodbye, not in your current state of mind.

After a few minutes of silent contemplation, you decided to write Steve a letter. Maybe you'd give it to him or maybe it would just help you organize your thoughts. Either way, it would be helpful to write to someone for a change.

Hi Steve,

I, well, I guess I'll start with this. You deserve an apology. I'm truly sorry for ignoring you for the past few days. I just... I heard what you said to Bucky and I didn't know how to deal with it.

You know I've never been the best at controlling my emotions, so I just holed myself up in here. I avoided you so I could figure out my own feelings first.

I know I should talk to you. You deserve that too, but I don't think I could survive the heartbreak. I guess I'll try to explain everything I've been thinking and feeling since that night.

Honestly, I'm not sure where to start. It feels kind of stupid to say, but I obviously experienced a range of emotions when I first heard you and Bucky talking about going back.

You know I've always found solace in writing, so that's what I'm doing. I needed a way to clear my thoughts, and it turned into this concoction of thoughts and some poems - you know how I feel about poems. (Look at that! A sarcastic comment! I didn't think I was capable of humor anymore.)

This might not surprise you, but the first emotion I clung to was anger. I'm not angry anymore, well at least not as angry. Anyway, I wrote this next part when I was absolutely pissed at you.

-

What the fuck?

You want to go back in time and stay there?

You want to leave me behind?

Steve, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I could keep you here. If I really wanted to, I could figure out a way to do it. I could cut the brakes just to keep you from leaving. I'll do it too. My hands on the wheel would drive us into a wall.

You must think I'm being petty. Hiding in my room like a child to avoid you. All the while, here I am writing all the things I could do to keep you. Well, news flash: I don't need you. You made me think the only world I could exist in, was one you lived in, almost had me fooled.

Here's something you probably never considered, because I sure as shit never thought I'd even need to. I can be me without you. I don't have to rely on you for my own happiness. I thought you loved me, but if you want to go back and be with Peggy, do it. Go find yourself, let me down.

It's easy to sit here now and look back on how everything we had would always be second string to your relationship with her. God damn hindsight's 2020.

I want you to know, you did this to me. You broke my heart. When I heard you say you wanted a chance to be with Peggy, it's like my whole world crumbled down around me.

Everything I thought I knew was ripped out from under me. You poured rain all over my sunny. Yeah, someday, this could all be funny, but right now it's absolute shit.

And maybe everything will work out the way it's meant to be, but honestly I couldn't give less of a shit about that right now.

If I had the chance, I would take it back. Everything. Meeting you. Becoming friends. Dating you. Falling in love. I'd be jumping off your sinking ship, instead of going down with it.

It'd be so much easier that way. If I never fucking knew you.

One day I'll be good. I'll be over all of this bullshit. Right now I'm just mad. And you know what, it's justifiable. I think I'm allowed to be mad at you.

I'm over being so mature. If only I was never yours. Maybe I'll go back in time and undo it all. Then at least I could save myself from you.

-

Like I said, I wrote that in the heat of the moment. Once my brain caught up to my ears, all I saw was red. Anger didn't last as long as you might think though.

All that was how I felt in the moment, but I want you to know it's not true. I don't really believe any of it. I was hurt and angry and avoiding the pain I knew was just around the corner.

I've always told you anger would be my downfall because I just can't control what I say.

Let me be completely clear, I would never want to undo meeting you. You've been the best part of my life for years. I need you to know that I don't regret any of it and I never will.

Anyway, the anger shifted to tears pretty quickly. It wasn't hard to feel the pain that comes with someone you love leaving you. I can't honestly picture a world where I don't love you.

This is the first poem I wrote. With tear blurring my vision, I put pen to paper and this is what came out.

Complicated. Understated. On the way to, Devastated. I'm just holding on for dear life.

Short and sweet, right? Well, not so much sweet, but you get the point. I feel broken. Here's another bit of poetry for ya.

Right now I'm sorry, Burns through me darling, But I can't help hope In thirty years it won't.

Maybe I just need time. That's what everyone always says. "Time can heal all wounds."

It's hard to even think about moving on though when everything reminds me of you. I've got emotional souvenirs from fleeting moments we spent together. If this is the end, I'll always know you were my golden years. I know in the future I could close my eyes and go back there.

Maybe that's the hardest part. Knowing I'll always have these memories.

All I've been thinking about for the past three days is if this will ever feel better. And maybe it will, when time has passed.

Maybe when I'm older, I'll run out of stories about you. Maybe when I'm older, I'll know what it's like not to love you, Anymore.

Despite my best efforts, it's still only a maybe. Maybe when I'm older I'll be able to stop thinking about you every second of the day. Maybe when I'm older I won't feel like crying everytime I see your face.

But maybe not. Maybe I'll always feel this way.

Maybe when I'm six feet, underneath the concrete, I'll know what it's like not to want you, anymore.

I'm not saying all this to make you feel guilty. You don't need to tell me you're sorry. I know you are. I know you would never hurt me like this without a reason.

I should just talk to you, but I don't think I can. Not yet. We don't need to talk til we're ready. Both of us.

I guess I do have one question. Do you really love me?

I don't think I want to know the answer right now. Because even if you do... it takes a lot more than a rose, more than a kiss, more than a heart to truly love someone and spend forever with them.

It takes a lot more than a ring, more than a vow, more than a promise to build and maintain a relationship.

Love is not enough. I know that now. Even if you love me to the best of your abilities, you could still love Peggy more. Love may not be enough for us, but at least we got that much.

If you leave, I'll live the rest of my life grateful that at least I got your touch for as long as I did.

I used to think we could take our sweet time, that everything would be just fine. But now I know maybe not.

I cried for days. Like I said, I'm not writing this to make you feel guilty though. I just want to be completely honest. I cried a lot, probably more than I ever have before.

I kept replaying memories of time I spent with you. Not even dates, just the small moments that made me know I love you.

Like that day I woke up too early, almost put salt in my coffee. Oh I thank God that you stopped me before that.

I've never been a morning person, but ever since I met you you've always been there to keep my head on straight.

I think the thing I love most about you is how you can read me better than anyone I've ever known. I can hide from everyone else and they won't bat an eye. They never can tell when I'm falling apart on the inside.

No matter how hard I try to hide it though, you don't believe me when I say I'm alright. You can always, always tell.

It's like you've got a sixth sense that tells you I need you when I try to say I'm fine.

Before I met you, I would get so lonely everyday. Now I'm only lonely until you ask if I'm okay and then I remember that I have people who are there for me. I have you.

All this to say, I love you, Steve. I love you more than I've ever loved another human being.

Forever yours,

Y/N

-

It took you nearly all night to write a coherent letter and come up with a plan to talk to Steve. A quick glance at the clock let you know Steve would be up any minute, so you had to act fast.

You opened your door for the first time in days, running in a full sprint to the stairs and down the hall to Steve's door.

With one final burst of courage, you shoved the letter under the door and ran away before anyone could find you out of your room.

-

"Y/N?" A familiar knock on your door woke you from a restless sleep. "I read your letter, Y/N please let me explain."

It felt like time slowed down as you stared at the door.

"Y/N, I have to bring the stones back, but I really want to talk to you first."

"Come in." You steadied yourself with a deep breath, but one look at Steve ruined your flimsy resolve.

"Y/N... I tried to wait for you to come to me, but..."

He stopped talking when you shook your head, a painful sob forming in your chest.

"I've been thinking a lot." You started slowly, voice scratchy from days of not being used except to cry. "What if staying with me isn't the best thing to keep you happy?"

"Y/N, I-"

"Please let me finish." You waited for him to acknowledge your words before you spoke again.

"If letting you go is the best way to show that I love you, I will." Tears poured down your cheeks, breaths coming to you shakily.

"Captain Rogers, your presence is requested in the backyard." Friday's voice echoed through the room.

Steve looked more torn than you've ever seen him.

"Let's go." You nodded toward the door. "I've got more to say, but you've got somewhere to be."

Slowly, the two of you walked down the hall and entered the elevator.

"I don't know if you'll ever come back-"

"Y/N, really just let me-"

"Steve, please." You begged him to let you get it all out. "I won't ask 'cause that's selfish."

"It's not." He cut in again.

"It is. You deserve to be as happy as possible." With a slow, shaky breath you continued your speech. "I've come to terms I might never feel whole again."

The elevator doors slid open. You followed Steve to the yard where they set up the time machine.

"I'll be broken when you're gone, but I won't hold you back if it's wrong."

"Steve, there you are! Let's go-"

"In a minute, Sam." Steve's eyes never left you, remaining soft and caring. "We can go back inside if you want." He ran his thumbs over your cheeks, ridding them of tears only to be instantly replaced. You've always hated crying in front of people.

"I don't care what people say." You shook your head, ignoring the potential pitying looks you could receive for crying in front of others. Another deep breath, and you continued. "You know I won't force you to stay."

It was your turn to wipe tears from Steve's face.

"If you leave, I'll be okay. Just promise that you won't forget me babe."

"I could never-" He cut in again only to stop when you gave him a pleading look.

"I understand if leaving is what you have to do. I don't want you to go, but I'll be okay, eventually." You let out a watery chuckle, wiping your eyes again.

"Y/N, I never meant for-"

"Steve, you ready?" Sam interrupted again.

"It's fine. You can go." You did your best to hold back any lingering tears. You had to physically turn Steve around yourself and push him towards the machine.

"Y/N, please, I can't-"

"Steve, they're waiting for you. It's okay, I promise." He finally started to walk away only to pause when you called out one more thing. "Oh, Steve?"

"Yeah?" He wore a solemn smile.

"I'll love you always."

You watched as he listened to Banner's instructions and bid farewell to Sam and Bucky. The bitter part of you wondered if Sam knew.

A strangled sob left your mouth as soon as Steve disappeared. All three men standing around the machine looked your way, Sam and Bucky running toward you to help.

"He should be back any second. It's fine!" Sam desperately tried to console you, but you knew it wouldn't work.

"Y/N. Y/N! Listen to me. Did Steve talk to you?" Bucky asked, ignoring Sam's bewildered expression.

You nodded pitifully.

"Did he explain-" You cut him off.

"He- he didn't ha-have time.: You stuttered as you tried desperately to gulp in air through the tears. "I did most of the talking. I needed him to know it was okay."

"To know what was okay?" Sam asked, still clearly confused.

The thought of explaining it only broke you down more. You would have fallen to the ground if not for Bucky catching you. Your body leaned into his.

"Doll..." Bucky shook his head. "You should have let him explain."

You choked on another sob just thinking about it.

"Shh, it's okay. You'll be okay." Bucky whispered in your ear, ignoring Sam's confused glares.

"Y/N..." The sound of Steve's voice echoed in your ears causing another painful sob to jolt through your body.

"Baby, please look at me."

You genuinely thought you were hallucinating when you opened your eyes to see Steve towering over you.

"Steve?" Your voice was barely a whisper.

"It's me, I'm here." He gently took you from Bucky's arms, cradling you close to him but leaning his head far enough away for you to look into your eyes.

"You came back..." Your tears slowed, gently falling down your cheeks as you stared at him wide-eyed.

"I was never planning to leave." He spoke while gently stroking your hair.

"B-but, you were talking to Bucky about going back?" Your tears gave way to confusion as you glanced between him and Bucky.

"Just to say goodbye." He pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, breathing in your scent. "I just thought she deserved a real goodbye."

New tears pooled in your eyes as you took in his words. "So, you never wanted to leave me?"

"I could never, and would never, leave you. I love you so much. I just wish I knew why you were holed up in your room sooner." He smiled at you, the same adoring smile he gave you the first time you met.

"I love you too. Always." You leaned into his embrace, relishing in the touch you thought you'd lost forever. He whispered his reply, clinging to you just as much as you were to him.

"Always."

a/n: today I discovered I am truly incapable of writing a sad ending. I just like the idea of escaping to a reality where Steve would never abandon me.

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[thestalwartheart]

short fic: another round

Hi friends!

This is a follow-up to this poem and gifset I posted the other day. I just could not let it go. Also, I've been writing a lot of angst lately, so it was time to soothe myself with something a bit more lighthearted.

I'd recommend reading the poem first, but if you hate poetry, you can just check out the gifset and consider this a little alternate meet story.

Read it on AO3 or under the cut.

Enjoy! ❤️

another round.

In another place, on a typically overcast London day outside the National Gallery, two people meet. It’s not the first time or the last they’ll come across each other, but something in the vast galaxy of time sighs nevertheless. The persistence of a constant is always so terrifically satisfying.

A man — let’s call him Jonathan — is looking down at his phone when he hits a wall of solid muscle. The wall in front of him grunts, and Jonathan looks up at the sound, right into a pair of startlingly blue eyes. He rushes to apologise. He would have done it anyway, but something about the man’s impassive expression has him wanting to do it quicker.

“I’m so sorry. Christ, I’ve become one of those people, haven’t I?” He gestures vaguely at the square around them and pockets his mobile. “The twats who can’t even cross the road without looking at their phones. I’ll book myself in for an intervention later. I really am terribly sorry.”

“It’s all right,” Mr Blue Eyes says, evidently entertained at Jonathan’s floundering tirade. His smile is exceptionally fetching, and he’s wearing the world’s most expensive, well-tailored and well-pressed suit. All in all, the effect of him is wholly overwhelming. Jonathan tries not to broadcast that too obviously, lest he embarrass himself even further.

“Well, you have my thanks for being uncommonly understanding. I—”

His phone dings, interrupting them. The stranger smiles and nods towards Jonathan’s pocket.

“I’d suggest staying stationary this time.”

The responding quip on Jonathan’s tongue dies as he reads the message. “Oh, fucking brilliant. I’ve been stood up.”

Not that his date had been a particularly fascinating man, but it had taken Jonathan an hour longer than usual to get here with the ongoing works on the Northern Line. Moreover, he’s dressed very nicely for the occasion and left his cats home alone, though it was the last thing he wanted to do.

“That’s unfortunate. I’m sure it’s their loss.”

If Jonathan’s not mistaken — and he rarely is — there’s a glimmer of interest in the man’s eye. Thirty years as a gay man has taught him a few lessons about when he’s being ever so subtly flirted with. Not many, admittedly, but enough to know when he might be in for a stroke of good luck.

“You know, I think it might be too. I know quite a bit about the paintings in there. In another life, I might have made a fantastic tour guide.”

“Really? I don’t know much about art. Why don’t you teach me?”

The interest is blatant now, burning so strongly Jonathan thinks he might blush from the stranger’s gaze alone. He gets lost in it for a slightly too-long beat of time. People bustle around them, tutting impatiently at the two men taking up an awkwardly large corner of the gallery’s stairs.

Saying yes might be an awful idea. The man standing before him is about as different to Jonathan as anyone could be. He’s broad and muscular, older than Jonathan would usually go for, and evidently a man with a taste for luxury. Given he knows how to proposition someone he’s only just met, Jonathan thinks he’s probably the sort of risk-taker that jumps into things a hair too fast. Still, the invitation hadn’t been crass or overly lecherous. Jonathan could walk away now and be almost certain there would be no hard feelings.

But, well. What a way to get over a no-show. And let it not be said that Jonathan can’t take a few risks of his own.

“Yes. Why not? So long as you don’t make me sit in front of one of the Turner paintings. They always make me feel far too melancholy.”

“Well, we wouldn’t want that,” comes the amused reply. As they climb the stairs, the man’s hand hovers over Jonathan’s lower back. “We’ll stick to something a bit more bacchanalian, shall we?”

Jonathan laughs. “As you like, Mr…”

“Bond, James Bond.”