#once my brain makes up sth like this (all at once mind you) i literally cannot think it otherwise

[sorryimananti-romantic]

LMAO NOT US HAVING THE SAME TASTES IN OUR ANIME CHARACTERS IM CACKLING 💀

yes! bleach is one long anime, one of my big four (naruto, fairy tail, one piece are honourable mentions) but bleach is def my fav bc the genre and art literally everything is my thing

omg if the recent animations are doing justice i've got to give it a go. i have the attention span of a cat lmao hence why i prefer reading (bc i have to physically swipe) over watching (suddenly i'm staring at the dust on my keyboard i gotta clean it)

GIRL URAHARA FKDJGHDJ HE'S SO im gonna say it DADDY. 12 year old me had a crush on this daddy like a huge crush he's such a tease and i still love him sm jfdgkdhg he drives me crazy lmao. AND YES YORUICHI. absolutely adore these two.

kenpachi and yachiru is the duo of bleach, no questions. recently read a post and it's coming to mind now-- not only do they match each other's freak, they accentuate it which makes their partnership so good. his bankai was insane.

omg yes ulquiorra and grimmjow were my babies. i adored them even when they gave everyone hell 💀 AND YES. THIS SPECIFIC ORIHIME SCENE!! istg even after all these years i remember these quotes word by word. and omgg if you think i can write sth up to that level i will sob?? 😭😭 tite kubo is literally my biggest inspiration like if you ever see a poetic line from me in my fics know that there's a tite kubo influence behind it bc he slayed so hard with this scene!

and omg. orihime and ulquiorra ugh 😭 i want to write this now AHAHAHA i really like the concept of this warm, healing person x hollow person that only knows how to destroy (why do i feel like i've written sth like this before hmm this concept just very familiar to me)

omg yes thank you for refreshing my arrancar memory and i remember how much i liked the hueco mundo arc! these characters were such a good twist imo and OMG I REMEMBER THE TWO SCIENTISTS FIGHT ITS BLURRY BUT I REMEMBER IT BEING KINDA GROSS WHY WAS THAT (i need to reread lmao i'm sold) (also i think rereading it now would be so much fun i fear once i start i'll be unable to stop hoho) (also i'm a sucker for scythes too we're the same)

the quicys :')) i had to google these names but i remember whatever you said vaguely. but i agree with everything lmao and i have to talk about rukia's bankai it's soo pretty. honestly i never vibed with any quincys that much back then, maybe it'll be different now. liltotto is still memorable hehe

omygod. the kon arc was hilarious. and the captains showing up 💀💀 nothing beats that fr

AND YES YES AIZEN AND THE FIGHT WAS SOOO GOOD MAN KEPT COMING BACK but like all the tricks he pulled would always have me go O.O (bruh i'm itching to reread now bc like these memories are scratching at my brain now AHAHAHAHA)

omg you should never delete your yapping i love unfiltered yapping sm and this was so good. i only have one person irl i can talk to about bleach but we haven't talked about bleach in years so it is so refreshing to do this again! you def could write the manga atp tho AHAHAHAHA

AND YES. I'M THE BLEACH ENTHUSIAST WHO WILL NITPICK ON EVERYTHING (BUT OUT OF LOVE) i just need to reread again lmaooo i used to like chat about bleach with random ppl on tumblr back in those days. you can hit me up whenever you want too bbygorl let's both reread the manga that would be so fun omg?? imagine reading together and discussing chapters or arcs together AHHHHHH

i was snooping around your blog and saw that you also like bleach (the anime/manga) 👀 are you still following the new seasons or did you stop at some point?

do you have any favorite: character, shinigami (shikai/bankai), arrancar (abilities/resurrecion), quincy/sternritter (abilities/shift), visored, hollows, arcs? special moments that have stuck with you (positively/negatively)?

it's so rare for me to find someone else into it lol so you got me curious now~

•🃏

omgg when i tell you that bleach is the love of my life, possibly my fav manga ever (or at least one of my fav)!! i started reading and occasionally watching (bc i was more of a reader) back in 2012 until the manga ended (somewhere around... 2016?) and then i reread the whole thing again and watched whatever episodes were available :'))

i don't read mangas anymore, i sometimes watch anime (not very often) but i still cherish bleach so much. and omg seeing those terms made me go *blink blink* bc it's been so long i had to google to confirm what some of those were!

and that's why my answers might not make sense BUT I HAVE FAVS. definitely. firstly, ichigo, ofc. esp when he attained bankai. kisuke urahara is also my biggest anime crushes (also my anime crushes are such a strong indicator of my type). from the arrancars, i remember how obsessed i was with ulquiorra and grimmjow (ulquiorra's arc and the way he died? and the scene with orihime still lives in my head rent free).

i honestly don't remember much but i remember being a fan of the ishidas too. i also have the softest spot for rukia and byakuya, kenpachi and the little girl that tags with him. toshiro's powers always fascinated me the most and aizen was so hot for being the villain lmao. and omg ywach!! always gave me the chills.

i think my fav arc was when (the explanation's gonna suck) the soul society is in... shambles? with ywach and the other espadas. thousand year blood war or sth? basically before the manga ends. i think the ending and opening of this anime are perfection.

i think this is my cue to reread bleach bc i've been wanting to reread (and hopefully getting back into reading manga) for a while now. since the last time i touched this manga was in 2016, my knowledge is very dusty if you can't tell already-- but if i pick it up again, i'm bothering you 🫵 bc it really is rare to find a bleach enthusiast! i need to hear your fav moments and fav characters too, come on. refresh my memory (and give me the push to pick bleach again)

[ganondoodle]

demise backstory (summary)

I didnt actually plan on wrtiting a summary of demises backstory (that i came up with, idk if its any good) but im realizing how long it will take me to draw it all, especially with job related things getting in the way all the time, so i guess im gonna post a badly summarised version of it right here right now, some things might change but thats always the case with my writing, nothings set in stone.

(please be aware that im not the best writer and didnt put much effort into this, it got longer than i thought but well meh :V ignore the typos, i wrote this at 1 am ;O; )

I didnt proof read anything, so this is a mess, anyway here goes nothin:

As far as i know, there have been multiple cases of hyrule having some sort of alternate mirror version of itself or just an alternate world somehow somewhere, so my personal idea about this is that demise WAS what hylia is for hyrule, a deity of protection. thats also where the whole inverted triforce symbols come from in my design for him, im not saying its lorule, but its definitely inspired by it to some degree. so they also had a triforce (here simply called "relics"), but it was split into the three pieces, for each of the three main nations/countries one, originally it was split like this as a way of sharing it equally AND to keep it safe, since if someone was to want the whole thing, theyd have to fight three different giant nations for it, which was thought as being pretty impossible.

as i said before, demise (might not have always been his name idk) was their deity of protection, he was there to keep the peace, to prevent the three countries from going after the relics themselves, tho he was always a cocky bastard he wasnt as destructive and hateful as he is now, back then he was still the servant of their gods after all. for a long long time he was successful at keeping everything as it was supposed to be, but of course, it cant go well forever, i dont have all the details yet but basically, those three nations started war after war, he was able to keep it from escalating for quite some time  but at some point, the people found out that if they destroyed his statues (just like hylias in canon) to prevent anyone from praying to him, he wouldnt know, at least, not immediately (my idea was that the statues are a sort of communication link to whatever their god was, so in ancient hyrule, if you prayed to one of hylias statues, and asked for her protection/help, she would know instantly and show up within seconds) 

alot of battles were fought without demise hearing anything about it, until someone found a statue that wasnt fully destroyed. when demise showed up however, the person had already died as they were wounded when fleeing from the battlefield. wondering how this all came to be he went to look for where that person came from, since if there was actual big trouble he should have known about it much sooner.  

he must have missed the biggest battle his world had ever seen, given the sheer size of it .. and the amount of corpses scattered all over it.

this only happened because of the greed of the people in power for the rest of the relics, which promised power, more power than they already had, plus who wouldnt want to know what happen if the relics were combined again, given how they've been seperated since the beginning. 

Fueled by anger and grief over how many people had lost their lives without him even KNOWING that a war of this size was happening, demise tried to ask the gods as to what he was supposed to do, how could he stop these needlessly cruel wars over something so small ? but the gods were silent. 

so he had to decide on his own, what was the best thing to do ? after careful consideration he couldnt think of anything else but to destroy the relics, after all, he could touch or use them himself as means to prevent him, as an already powerful deity, from falling for that greed for power, just like the inhabitants of his world did now.

the first one was the easiest, they didnt know his plan and let him wander their sacred halls with no second thought .. until he raised his sword once he stood in front of that cursed relic that led only to bloodshed and death. of course the news started to spread that their protector had apparently turned against them, some thought it was because they destroyed his statues, others because they thought he feared they would be more powerful than him once they gathered all the relics. on his way to destroy the second one he was met with resistance, but nothing he couldnt get through. the third one was a fight of an army against one deity. demise won, but not without killing some of the people he swore to protect .. and the only reason he was doing this, was for their own good.

after the deed was done, instead of everything getting better, it was getting worse. the people were more united than ever. against him that is. and the world fell apart. the oceans started to shrink, the winds would blow more harshly with each passing day, plants would wither away as if robbed of life before it began. demise was never overly beloved by anyone even back in the beginnings, but he could deal with them hating and resenting him, as long as they wouldnt go to war against each other, he was happy, more or less. what he couldnt handle was watching as his world started to die a slow and agozing death, right before his eyes, without him being able to do anything against it. and the gods stayed silent.

was it because he destroyed the relics ? were the gods mad at him for going against their orders and deemed it appropriate to punish him by having to watch the people suffer ?or was it that the gods that were bored of playing with this world and moved on to the next ?

he would never know the answer. 

the world died slowly over hundreds of years of painful suffering, desperately trying to to stay alive. even then the last remaining survivors knew him only as the destroyer of their world, responsible for their suffering. his former self wiped from memory, and only hate remained. 

after the last mortal died, the last tree withered and the oceans were gone. there was nothing left to guard, nothing left but the ruins of the past and the painful reminder of how this all came to be. the question of why it had to happen, was never answered, as the gods abandoned him and his world a long time ago.

in a fit of rage he sought to destroy the last temples, the once sacred places which inscriptions have long faded away and the place he once called his home, where he used to speak to his gods before they fell into this agonizing silence and as he drove his sword through the sculpted stones which once housed their voices, it split into two . ..

..and through the cracks blew a wind carrying the scent of a world that was still alive.

[smoochkooks]

—golden boy (m.)

⟶ pairing: jeon jungkook/reader

⟶ genre: smut, fluff, disney hercules au, meg!oc, hercules!jk

⟶ summary: jungkook finally has you all to himself. and oh, is he going to cherish the moment wholeheartedly.

⟶  word count: 2.7k

⟶ warnings: virgin!jk, switch!jk if you squint, exhibitionism (they do it outdoors but it’s ancient greece so it’s not even surprising), soft to kinda rough sex, heavy petting, oral (f receiving), slight dirty talk, hair pulling, unprotected sex, creampie, jk in a man bun, pegasus cockblocking his partner in crime

a/n: i got cherry vodka drunk and wrote this in two hours. it’s jorny hours so please forgive me for the sins you’re about to read with your very own eyes. hercules is one of my favorite childhood disney movies and watching it today i just couldn’t stop imagining jk as the greek god. if you see any mistakes - please ignore them. it’s almost 2am. enjoy!! xx ps. I had some major difficulties with posting this one so if you were one of the first people to read it and sth was off: read it again now thank u

Jungkook thinks you're the most beautiful person in the whole world. 

He hasn't seen many goddesses in his life (hell, he's sure of it, judging by the short period of time he spent on Olympus as a newborn baby-god) but he's positive you would make his aunt Aphrodite jealous. You’re the epitome of his perfection, a walking daydream, his muse and an object of desire.

He could die happily staring at you, though it's impossible due to the fact he's very much immortal. He could travel back to Hades and fight every titan that rots in the pits of Tartarus, just to see you batting your long eyelashes at him or hear you call him ‘golden boy’ again. You quite literally have him wrapped around your finger, not even his father Zeus, the most powerful god in the entire universe managed to convince him to stay on Olympus and bask in the glory with the rest of his family.  

Jungkook chose to live his life with you, on Earth, and there's not a single smudge of doubt or regret clouding his brain. Not when he can finally hold you in his arms and kiss stupidi just like right now when it’s dark out and you’re sitting comfortably on the ground near a small pond.  

“You saved me once again, golden boy,” you murmur, fingers lazily threading through the dark locks on his neck. It almost makes him purr into your mouth.

“You weren't really in trouble the first time.” He bites your lip in return, eliciting a giggle from you.

“But am I not your favorite damsel in distress, Jungkookie?” You place your palm on his rock-hard chest and push, until he's laying flat on the grass, the starry sky above reflecting in his black orbs. “You're my hero, you know that, right?” you whisper, straddling his lap.  

Jungkook's been to Olympus and knows what heaven looks like but this: you above him, your hair cascading down your shoulders, dress bunching up around your waist and revealing smooth expanses of honey skin– is incomparable. It's sweet ambrosia on his tongue, the finest of all tastes, the greatest feeling in the world.  

“Am I?” he asks just to hear you say it once again. Instead of responding verbally you lean down to kiss him, your lips molding perfectly together. He groans into your mouth, two calloused palms itching to touch the bare skin of your thighs. Growing bolder, his hands reach further, cupping your asscheeks and pulling you even closer to him. 

You smirk into his mouth. “Someone's eager,” you tease but give in anyway, brushing your core over the hard length beneath his tunic.  

Jungkook all but moans at that and you relish in the sounds he makes, repeating the movement and slowly grinding yourself on his cock. His face twitches in pure ecstasy and you swear you've never seen anything more beautiful in your entire life– the son of Zeus being at your mercy, helpless to the pleasure you're giving him. “You're going to be the death of me,” he sighs, angling your head to kiss you again. You don't hesitate to oblige, accepting the tongue he slithers inside with a whimper of your own. 

“Thank gods you're immortal.” you say in between kisses.

He chuckles lowly, sending shivers down your spine. He bunches the material of your dress in his hands and lifts it off you in one, swift movement. Your nipples harden feeling the soft breeze fanning over your flesh. Looking down, you're met with Jungkook's blown out pupils. He looks so dreamy like this, the most perfect golden boy you’ve ever seen. His lips are swollen from your kisses, hair a little tussled and falling from his bun. A sight for sore eyes, truly.  

“You're so beautiful, love,” he murmurs, his palms engulfing your breasts. You moan when he sucks one of the nipples into his hot mouth, fingers threading through his hair and ready to pull. “My goddess,” he chants, switching to the other breast. He flicks the pebbled bud with his tongue and then bites lightly, making you cry out in pleasure. “I love the sounds you make. Want to hear you moaning for me. Give me more, love, please.”

He places his hands underneath your thighs and lifts you off him, laying you on your back. You don't complain about the change, not when he trails kisses down your chest and stomach, not when you feel his hot breath on your womanhood. He's determined to please you, it seems, so he mouths over your undergarments, alternating between kissing and licking you softly through the material.  

“Take them off,” you mutter, growing impatient. Jungkook looks up, a devilish smirk on his lips. Oh, how many sleepless nights you spent dreaming of him staring at you like that and practically devouring you with his eyes.  

“Won't you beg for me a little, love?” He's too cocky for his own good but you decide to let it slide for now, your urges getting better of you.  

“Please, Jungkookie, make me feel good.” you keen in saccharine sweet voice. He doesn't need to be told twice, ripping the undergarments off your body. “Oh, yes!” you moan when he gives you first, experimental lick up your slick folds. He swirls his tongue over your clit, making you choke out a, “Right there, darling, right there.”  

Jungkook's certain his newfound favourite place in the world is going to be between your thighs. He's already addicted to your taste, to your smell. He lavishes your cunt with passion, devouring you like the finest meal. He loves the sounds you make, love the little whimpers and breathy moans. He wants to listen to them forever. 

He groans into your heat when you pull his hair, pulling away from your pussy with a wet pop. “Do it again,” he rasps against your core and that's probably the hottest thing you've ever heard. You grant his wish, repeating it every time he delivers a toe-curling suck to your sensitive bud. “You're dripping, my love. Is this all for me?” Jungkook asks, lifting his head up enough so you could see his lips and chin glistening in your arousal. He’s getting bolder again but you’re too consumed with your own pleasure to pay mind to it.

“All for you,” you murmur, the pads of your fingers trailing through his locks lightly. He closes his eyes, lets you massage his scalp for a brief moment. “You're doing so good, darling. You're going to make me come.” 

He takes it as a sign to continue, diving right into your cunt. He shows no mercy, bringing you to the edge of release. You wonder how could he possibly be so good at this already but then you remember who exactly your lover is– a son of Zeus can only be either a fast learner or natural.  

With one, final flick of his tongue on your clit the coil in your stomach tightens and you're coming, more slick gushing out of your and coating Jungkook's face in translucent release. He doesn't seem to be bothered though, licking his lips and chin obscenesly and moaning at the taste. Your hole clenches, needing to be filled.

Jungkook discards his tunic and now you have a perfect view of his sturdy muscles, the byproduct of his training with Phil. You almost drool at the sight, running your palms greedily over the wide expanses of his chest. When your finger ever-so-slightly brushes his nipple, you feel him chocking out a tiny moan. Smirking, you repeat the motion.  

“Y/N, love, please don't tease me. I need to be inside you so bad.” he husks when your other hand travels down his abdomen and trails over his aching cock. 

“As you wish, darling.” With shaky limbs you manage to turn him on his backside again. Right when you're about to pulls his undergarments down, you hear something rustling between the trees. You stop abruptly. 

“Did you hear that?” you whisper, squinting your eyes to see better although there's no use for that during the night.  

Jungkook furrows his brows. “Hear what?” he mumbles and props himself on his elbows to look, but then you see it yourself. A glimpse of white fur that can only belong to– 

“That stupid horse!” you shriek, covering your bare breats with your hands.

“What?!” Jungkook yells, equally as shocked as you. He scrambles for his tunic to cover your modest figure. “Pegasus! Get out of here!” The magical creature neighs in response and peeks from between the bushes, looking at you pitifully. 

“Oh gods, he saw me naked!” you wail, mortified, as Jungkook gets up to scold Pegasus. “I'm gonna die from embarrassment!”  

Jungkook angrily gestures to the horse to leave you two alone, standing only in his undergarments. You want to laugh at how absurd this whole situation is. Pegasus nods with his head bowed down. Fulfilling the order, he spreads his wings and flies away somewhere. You hope far, far away from here.

“Hey,” You hear Jungkook's soft voice. He takes your hands in his and uncovers your red face. “We're alone.” he says, smiling apologetically at you.  

“I can't believe your stupid, magical horse almost watched us fuck."

“Keyword: almost.”

You cry out, burying your face in his neck.  “It's not funny!” you huff, punching him in the chest however you know he probably hasn't even felt it. But you did feel pretty much though; it hurts like you've hit a stone.  

Jungkook chuckles, placing a kiss on the crown of your head. “Do you want to continue?” he asks, rubbing your back soothingly.  

You look up to meet his eyes. “Do you?” you repeat with raised eyebrows.  

There it goes again, the damned sly smirk. “I'm still very much hard, love, and I'm afraid it won't go away that easily.”

“Yeah?” you murmur, thoughts about Pegasus and his prying horse eyes showed to the back of your head. “And what are you gonna do about it?” You push him onto his back, fingers grasping the material of his undergarments.  

Jungkook swallows before saying, “I'm gonna fuck you so hard you will never even think of leaving me.”

Biting your lip, you slide his undergarments down his toned legs. His cock is just as perfect as the rest of him–long, curved at the top and flaming red, craving to be touched. Using the precum that has gattered at the tip you smear it along his shaft, watching in awe as his face confronts in pleasure. He lets you play with him for a while like that, drive him to the insanity with your teasing.  

Just when you're about to position yourself over his cock, he stops you. “Have you ever done this before?” he asks, although he already knows the answer.  

“I did. Once,” you answer honestly. “But it didn't mean anything to me.” You slowly sink down on him, welcoming the slightly burning stretch with a satisfied moan.  

Jungkook hisses, digs his fingers into your waist and you're sure he'll leave bruising marks. “And what does this mean?” he asks, almost chokes out feeling your hot canal enveloping his length.  

“Everything,” you breathe out, lifting yourself off him just to slam down hard afterwards. “You mean the world to me.” you say; it’s priactially a whisper. As you're staring into his wide eyes, you can see your love for him reflected in them. It all feels like a dream you don't wanna wake up from.  

“I love you, Y/N,” he confesses and you know he means it. “From the moment I saw you for the first time I knew you would be the one for me.”  

A lonely tear slides down your cheeks and he catches it with his thumb. “I love you too, Jungkook.” you murmur.  

He smiles like a fool, opens his mouth to say more but you shut him up with a kiss and your hips establishing a steady rhythm on his cock. You pull away from his lips, saliva dribbling down both of your chins but you don't care, bouncing on him like your life depends on it. Maybe it does a little.  

“So good,” you whimper, the tip of his cock almost hitting your cervix with every stroke.  

Underneath you Jungkook looks like he might die right here and there, his chest sweaty and heaving with every breath he takes. He has a vice grip on your waist, guiding you up and down his cock. To your surprise you find yourself liking that side of him, the rough touch of his hands on your skin. You wonder what he's capable of if you push him a little further.  

“Oh, gods!” you keen when his cock brushes past the spot that makes you see stars. He fucks into you just in time for you to add, “Just like that.”  

As much as Jungkook enjoys seeing you bouncing on top of him, he grows tired of just laying still and taking it. In one, swift motion, he flips you onto your back. You squel after the sudden change of positions but that quickly morphs into a loud moan as he rams his cock inside your cunt.

He picks up the pace, making you feel every inch of him. He stares down where your body ends and his begins, watching his cock disappearing in your hole. You urge him to look at you instead, pull him down to leave a messy kiss on his lips. “Shit, you're so perfect,” he marvels, palms squeezing every part of your body he could reach. “Look at you, taking my cock like a good girl,” he spits, leaning to suck a mark on your neck. “Tell me how much you like it.”

“I love it. Love your cock,” you say over the slapping sounds of your skin meeting his. “You're so good to me Jungkookie, so good.” As you feel another, powerful orgasm approaching, you slip your fingers down your body to toy with your clit.  

Jungkook catches it and snatches your hand away, replacing with his own. He rubs your sensitive bud fast and hard, making you cry out his name in a broken moan. “Are you gonna come for me, love? I want you to cream my cock like a good girl.” he rasps, slithering himself inside you with enough force to knock the breath out of your lungs. 

“Yes, yes!” you chant, feeling your cunt spasming around his length. He curses, fucking you through your high. “Kiss me, Jungkookie–please,” you nearly sob and he obliges right away, plunging his tongue inside your mouth to dance with yours. It's messy and wet but you're relishing in it.  

He pants against your mouth, his pace getting sloppy. “I'm not gonna last longer,” he stammers out. “Your pussy feels too good, I'm–”

“Shh,” you whisper, cupping his cheeks in your palms. “It's okay. You did so good, darling.” He moans at the praise, leans down to bury his face in your neck. 

“Oh gods, I'm gonna–ah, shit,” he groans, thrusts into your cunt a few more times and then he comes, spilling himself inside. “I love you, I love you.” he repeats, breathing heavily down your neck.

You wrap your arms around him, smiling to yourself. “And I love you.” you respond. “But please, for the love of Zeus, get off me or you'll suffocate me.”

Jungkook chuckles, lifting himself off your body. He props himself on his hand and stares down at you. You’ve never felt so happy. It’s right here, with him, that you feel the most acomplished. You wish to make it last forever. He places a kiss on your mouth, a sweet, quick peck before he crashes his body next to yours.

He pulls you to his side and you could feel his heart beating underneath the palm you placed on his chest. It beats with the love he has for you. 

“When do you think you will be able to go again?” you ask.

Jungkook cocks his head. “What? Are you proposing a round two?”

“Not exactly,” you quip, your nail ever so slightly brushing over his nipple. “Want you in my mouth this time.”

“You little minx.”

You smirk. If his already semi-hard cock is anything to go by, you have a long night ahead of yourself.

[thickenmyblood]

hey maca :)) I have sth that I’d love to hear your input on! (wall of text incoming so beware- I’m absolutely not mad if you don’t want to answer lmao). Basically it’s about how you portray women in your works and to what extent you see that portrayal mirrored in the canon books. I have noticed that a lot of writers tend to go a traditional route with for example daughters not being heirs like you also mentioned in an answer for a wtsioa ask on here. Considering the cultures Vere and Akielos are based on that’s obviously very logical and a lot of authors (including you) make it work fantastically! Yet personally I never got the vibe of Vere and Akielos being as patriarchal in canon, mostly because the Information we get is kind of confusing. On one hand damen is a walking manosphere (and. all of Akielos in general as well) without any prominent female figures in his life but on the other hand damen only ever speaks appreciatively of for example the female vaskian warriors. Both countries seem to ban women from the army yet Damen also refers to a warrior queen. The regent is a total misogynist but with the wording Laurent uses it almost seems like that is more the exception and not the general rule of veretian court life. Both countries also have ties to Vask, an exclusive matriarchy and Akielos is said to be similar to Patras which Pacat has stated is also partly a strong matriarchy due to vaskian occupations in the past. I could go on for a lot longer but I guess that damens overall positive attitude towards women and especially stereotypically spoken masculine women is what sticks out the most to me. It just seems kind of misplaced in a world that supposedly is as sexist as the original cultures from our world. Which is why I’d say both countries do have gender roles but are overall a lot more egalitarian than their respective real world og cultures. But that’s only my take and I’d love to hear more on what others think about the portrayal of women in canon and how they chose to portray it in fanfiction. Love you and your new work, hope you’re doing well❤️

HELLO!!! Thank you for asking me interesting stuff :, ) you always have the best questions and my sad little inbox is open to you any time, friend. I divided this into parts, so:

My portrayal of women: I need to work on this a lot lmao. I’m not proud of any female character I have ever written for this fandom, and I’m also not proud to say I struggle horribly when it comes to writing female OCs, especially if the story is not about a female character that is a literal projection of me. Or Bella Swan (yes, Twilight literally shaped my sad little brain and the way I write and consume fiction).

Authors writing female characters in a “traditional” way (for fantasy settings): I can’t speak for other authors but I definitely think, in my case, that using the “it’s a patriarchal society, women have no rights, women can’t be heirs, etc.” blueprint is a matter of being lazy. It’s quick, and easy, and it’s been done before so we all know how it works and a) it’s unlikely that you’ll mess it up (in the plot hole kind of way) and b) it’s obvious that most readers know how the usual system works and so you don’t have to spend paragraphs or even chapters explaining it to them. I am very lazy when it comes to world-building for fics. Why? Because when I’m writing fanfiction I don’t give two shits about the world, I just care about the characters doing Things and having Feelings. The moment you start to question these issues (a society where women can join the army, where they can be heirs, where maybe they can have multiple husbands, etc.) a billion issues arise because it’s not the “usual way” and so you’ll have to deal with “unusual problems”. See: plot holes, info-dumping, etc.

Vere and Akielos in canon: I think the books get very, very confusing at times when it comes to gender roles in that specific world. They also get very confusing about how royalty works, in my opinion. So:

Damen never mentions female influences in his life, not even nannies or wetnurses or anything. He mentions past queens and his mother, but even then… It’s always struck me as “what the actual fuck” that we get no information on Egeria. In TSP, he doesn’t even read as curious to me, especially when I think of that line that goes something like “oh, well, he’d never asked how tall she was”.

Then you have Jokaste, who is highborn and also… perhaps trained in politics? It’s unclear to me if she’s ever been directly involved in meetings or been an active member of the Council or even been allowed to study these issues. Clearly, she’s smart and capable and cunning, but like… how? Did she have private tutors? Is she a self-made woman? Like, what’s up with that? Are women allowed to engage in public politics? Are they allowed to be kyroi?

IMO, Damen complimenting the female warriors in Vask has to do with how appreciative he is of war-related stuff. Like, he thinks people with his own qualities are neat. We see this time and time again in the books—having honor, being brave, respecting one’s family, protecting those who need protecting… He compliments these things when he sees them in others, especially in Laurent. Obviously one of the big changes in Damen as a character is that he goes from being daddy’s boy to being like “well, actually… maybe war isn’t always the answer, and maybe war isn’t always honorable”. The Vaskian warriors prove themselves worthy of praise in a “manly” way, if that makes sense. (In the same way, Laurent proves himself in the Okton, not so much to Damen but to other Akielons). So, in essence, War > Any issues he may have about women doing Stuff.

Don’t judge me for this but I can’t remember the Regent talking about women. Do you have any quotes about that? I feel like Book 1 is super rich when it comes to world-building stuff and yet it’s the book I remember the least. I know he obviously has a preference for boys and not girls, but I don’t recall him having interactions with Vannes or ladies at court? I’M SORRY I’M SO STUPID but I don’t own the book so I can’t exactly word search my way out of this one, and so instead of saying stupid stuff, I’m asking anyone reading this (lol, you and my mom probably) to please tell me what canon says on this issue.

Ties to Vask: Er, yeah, I mean… They’re clearly not at war with Vask and have some sort of economic deal (there are Vaskian pets in Arles? Which makes me wonder if they, like, buy them from Vask? Or if the pets are Vaskian and turn into pets in Vere? Slaves are not like pets so I don’t know?), BUT just because they have deals with this kingdom/are on good terms with the ruler does not mean they necessarily approve? Like, maybe they’re like “yeah, it’s weird they give women so much power, but also I need that silk/leather/WHATEVER, so I’ll shut up about that”.

“Akielos is said to be similar to Patras which Pacat has stated is also partly a strong matriarchy due to Vaskian occupations in the past.” Is this in the books or is this something she said in an interview/post-releasing the trilogy? I know in the books there’s a quote that Akielos and Patras are similar because they both have slaves, but other than that I can’t quite remember anything about Patras? Like, I don’t recall Pacat giving us extensive and thorough world-building on either nation, at all. Once again, I am asking you for more explanations on this because I literally don’t remember.

4. My opinion and a Stupidity Disclaimer: As I’ve said above, there’s a lot of stuff I don’t remember and so I’m not trying to preach to anyone reading this or even saying that I hold the truth about… anything. I’m answering questions as I see fit and asking more questions when I run out of answers.

I believe world-building is not one of Captive Prince’s strong points. I will not elaborate on this because this is already long enough but there is simply, in my opinion, not enough material to reach any solid conclusions when it comes to world-building questions such as the role of women in Vere and Akielos, how compulsory homosexuality affects the development of highborn men and women in Vere, exactly what makes Akielos’ view on women different from Vere’s (if there’s any difference at all), the history of gender roles in this world and how it’s evolved up until canon, how Lamen can solve the heir issue without recurring to, once again, “the usual stuff” (concubines, bastards, marriage to women, etc.). It’s clear from what I’ve read that Pacat has come a long way as a writer and that her new trilogy has a lot more in-depth explanations to world-building questions, but this is not the case with CP, and so I’m afraid my answer to most of this is “I don’t know, and I don’t think anyone can know for sure”.

Lastly, I think I struggle a lot with understanding the role of women in this universe because I simply did not see enough women doing stuff, so I don’t know what’s permitted, what’s unacceptable, what’s illegal, what is straight-up execution worthy, etc. This is not me complaining about the lack of female characters in CP, at all, which I know is contradictory to stuff I’ve said in the past (I answered a couple asks a year ago about how I’d wished we’d gotten Vannes’ POV or Jokaste’s POV in the short stories). I’ve changed my mind, and so I think Pacat is entitled to write whatever she wants, just like I’m entitled to talk shit about KR with any living soul who will listen lmao.

To end this on a spicy note, I think sometimes we consume the wrong media and then complain because it doesn’t have what we wanted. If you’re looking for a trilogy with strong, fleshed-out female characters, Captive Prince is not for you. If you’re looking for a trilogy on female struggles and, I don’t know, defying… the male gaze… Captive Prince is not for you. There are plenty of books out there that focus exclusively on female characters, featuring sapphic relationships, and dealing with gender issues. WHICH IS NOT TO SAY WE SHOULDN’T BE HAVING THESE DISCUSSIONS. This is not about this particular question, but more about a lot of posts I’ve seen floating around… complaining about Pacat’s writing and the themes she didn’t explore.

If anyone has made it this far, thank you for reading, and know this is NOT me telling you what to think. This post is an open question that anyone can engage with, although I hope people will engage with this directly and on this platform, instead of… taking it somewhere else where I sadly can’t engage back! Unlike what happened with our awesome fat Laurent discussion, I will be replying to any questions I get on this (Note: I did not reply to most of those questions because a long time had passed and they were sort of repetitive).

[torikengel]

Thomas Hewitt x Reader (Part 7)

It was like all of Thomas’s negative thoughts, and insecurities were swept away by this kiss. For the first time in his whole life, he felt accepted the way he was.

When your lips parted, you were both panting, desperate for air. You absentmindedly lost yourself in his eyes again. You were so captivated by this man, but so was he, completely smitten. You were speechless, but this wasn’t that awkward silence. It was a blissful and quiet moment in a small paradise you two created like the world, and time itself didn’t exist. Thomas was still cautious about his emotions as he was used to everyone stabbing him the back, sometimes literally. But your honest touch, the gentle expression on your face whenever you looked at him. Your words weren’t just empty lies after all, even if you yourself didn’t realize it and thought that you were just trying to survive.

Thomas put his mask into the pocket of his apron. Then he grabbed your hand and led you away from the house into the fields. You didn’t need to talk; you saw everything important in each other’s eyes. You observed the nature around you, basking in the sun. It felt so nice to be outside again. Thomas’s attention was captured by your beautiful h/c hair whirling in the wind. Why did everything about you had to be so dazzling, while he was just plain ugly, Thomas wondered. When you walked so far that the house was out of sight, Thomas stopped. He didn’t really know what to do with you. You looked around to inspect the wheat fields around you and then glanced back at Thomas.

“It’s lovely here. Thank you so much for taking me outside.” You inhaled the fresh air with a big smile on your face and clasped your hands together while unintentionally moving Thomas’s hand too. “Oh… right.” You said when you realized that you were still cuffed. Thomas let out a sorrowful groan. He contemplated whether to let you leave or not… but it would put his family in danger while causing him pain. He didn’t want you to leave. However, he also wanted you to be with him, because you enjoy it, not because Hoyt kidnapped you.

But you weren’t thinking about escaping at that moment; you knew it wouldn’t be that easy, and guilt for wanting to run away still haunted you in the back of your mind. Your brain couldn’t decide if Thomas was your captor or protector. Your logic told you that he’s a dangerous murderer, but your feelings made you sympathize with him and feel safe around him.

“Thomas?” you looked at him and raised your eyebrow. “So, what are we gonna do?” you asked as you knew that you two couldn’t really talk. Thomas shrugged. You got him. He didn’t have any plan and was starting to get flustered. “Hmm…” you glanced at the ground and then let yourself just fall, expecting Thomas to fall as well and make it into a cute moment between you two… but you miscalculated his size in comparison to yours, which resulted in only you falling and twisting your arm in a weird position while the cuff cut into your already damaged skin. “Oh fuck!” you cursed as pain shot through your arm. Thomas, baffled by whatever was it that you just tried to accomplish, kneeled, to relieve the pressure off your arm. “That hurt…” you whimpered, examining the injury. “I am stupid, aren’t I?” you exclaimed in disappointment. Thomas just chuckled and sat beside you, shaking his head. He didn’t think that. Thomas believed that everything you did was adorable in a way. Then he carefully checked your wrist and rolled his eyes. He didn’t like you being hurt. “I am sorry for making you worry about it, I am okay.” You tried to console him. But he took a small key out of his pocket and uncuffed you to stop the cuff from rubbing into your skin more. Now…

Your chance…

Freedom…

Run...

RUN!

Your heart started beating faster than ever before, and as adrenaline rushed through your veins, you were prepared to run for it with all your strength. You were so lost in your thoughts about the freedom that before you managed even to stand up, Thomas held your injured hand and kissed your bruised wrist. Your resolve crumbled. You were completely frozen. You just couldn’t move a single muscle. Thomas was scared… deep inside, he was trembling. The thought of you just suddenly running away, the picture of him chasing and killing you. His heart just needed one signal, and it would shatter. In the end, you just let yourself fall on your back and lie down on the field. It was the only thing you could’ve done. This might’ve been the only chance to go back home, yet your feelings decided to screw you over. But what was bothering you the most wasn’t the fact that you didn’t even manage to try… it was the reality of you not regretting it.

Tears streamed down your cheeks and onto the ground as you were just blankly staring at the sky, your body shaking. You didn’t understand anything that was happening and not even yourself. There was a battle going on inside your mind. Thomas only managed to stare at you, completely stunned. He couldn’t grasp what just happened, even though he was relieved that he didn’t have to hurt you… or was he? Could he actually hurt you? He was even more lost than before as he never felt something like this before. In the past, he would just butcher everyone who came his way to be useful for his family. Basically, his whole life, he was a mere tool. Now he wanted something for himself, he wanted to feel like a human for once, and you were the one who could give it to him.

You wanted to blame him, but you couldn’t bring yourself to… you were sympathizing with him way too much… and you were thankful that he spared you. That was probably a foolish and dangerous mindset, but you couldn’t do anything about it as your logic succumbed to your emotions.

After analyzing the situation for a while, Thomas wiped your tears with his thumb, his eyes fixated on yours. He was gentle. So gentle. He made it so hard for you to hate him.

You smiled at him, but he could see the sorrow in your eyes. But then you decided to sit up again and desperately crawled onto his lap. You needed to reassure yourself that it wasn’t such a bad decision to stay… he would’ve probably killed you anyway if you tried to run. You settled your mind with that thought and justified your actions to calm yourself. Sure, you are just trying to survive after all, or at least you were trying to convince yourself that it was like that. Thomas wrapped his big arms around you and held you close to him. You buried your face in his chest and closed your eyes. Suddenly, you felt so safe and happy, he was like your sanctuary. *

* You were sitting in a close embrace for a very long time. It was so peaceful, and you appreciated the nature around you. The Hewitt residence was filthy, and… well, it had a weird atmosphere to it. Thomas caressed your hair with such tenderness always looked at you, fascinated by your features. What would his life be like if he had smooth skin like you? Or a beautiful face? It was weird to feel the wind on his bare face because he didn’t take his mask off outside. He didn’t mind people being disgusted by his mask… but his face? That was a completely different thing. He was super self-conscious about it.

When you finally gained the courage to look at him, he instinctively hid his face with his hands.

“You don’t have to do that…” you whispered and tried to pull his arms away. You wouldn’t have a chance if he insisted on keeping them in place, but he let you move them.

“I really think you are handsome, Thomas.” You smiled and added as you realized that your eyes were all puffy and your face red. “I probably look so bad right now.” Thomas shook his head in disagreement and took your cheeks into his palms. Were you lying to him to make fun of him? You couldn’t mean that… he was handsome, and you looked bad? No way you were telling the truth. But before his insecurities could get the best of him, you leaned towards him and gave him a peck on his lips. Thomas immediately blushed as his heart started racing. It was always like a first kiss all over again for him. He couldn’t believe that it wasn’t just a dream.

“I mean it, trust me.” You giggled as you moved away again.

Thomas felt like crying again, even though he didn’t in the end. You brought up all of the memories from his childhood and teen years. The time was moving by so fast, and you didn’t realize you spent so many hours outside.

“Maybe we should head back…your family will be worried.” You said with a said sad face, but Thomas nodded. When you stood up, you looked at your arms again. You were still free… maybe you could…

“Thomas? Can you please cuff me again?” you raised your arm towards him. He was surprised that you so deliberately let him do it. You needed him to… or else you would feel guilty for not running away. Like this, you could fool yourself into believing that it wasn’t your choice to stay… or you would end up crazy. * * The peaceful moment of you two walking back, holding hands, was mercilessly shattered by a figure standing in front of the house. When you got closer, you could see Hoyt standing on the porch with a gun in his hand.

a/n:  This is getting interesting. What is that Hoyt planning for you, I wonder... Fun fact: I literally tied my wrist to sth that would be in a similar position as Thomas’s hand and then fell :D It really does hurt, wtf.

[stepintomyvoid]

A Deeper Understanding [Newt Scamander x reader]

A/N: Yes this is me, trying fanfiction again. I haven’t written a single word in like 3 years or sth? But whateveeeer I’ve been really inspired by the Harry Potter Universe again, so here we go. Also please excuse any grammatical errors! English is only my second language, so please be gentle haha! But if you like this stuff, please please tell me! I’m super anxious about my writing, but I will of course take constructive criticism.

Warnings: not really anything, it’s fluffy and a bit angsty, mention of death

Word Count: 2721

“I wonder, Mr Scamander, is that really the fitting pair of shoes for those trousers?”, you smirked, carrying a large bucket of feed for the mooncalves. The golden haired man looked up, following your body as you walked past him. He was crouched down, tying his oak-brown leather shoes. The right corner of his mouth twitched a bit, almost indicating a smile. But he stayed silent, keeping his amusement to himself.

His silence jabbed your mood a bit but you shrugged it off. You had helped him for a few months now, assisting in caring for his beautiful creatures. To you, it felt like years. But your relationship went back even farther. Your first time meeting the shy Newt Scamander was your first year in Hogwarts. You, a muggle-born witch, were still adjusting to the new wizard world upon you. You had just been sorted into your Hogwarts House the day before and walked around the castle, aimlessly, just taking it all in. When you bumped into a Hufflepuff sitting cross-legged on the floor with some small creature in his hands. That’s when you met and forgot again. He was a little too awkward, you were a little too lost. It was just a random encounter and nothing came out of it. You didn’t even know his name back then.

Years later, you saw a certain Erumpent, an indeed breathtaking rhinceros which looked like it had actual lava in his horn, roaming around in Central Park in New York, the location of your Christmas vacation. This was your second encounter. Upon seeing this giant creature galopp through the winterly landscape, you left immediately; only years later you learned that the one and only Newt Scamander was there too. Not only that, he was responsible for it. All of your friends called you insane and laughed your encounter off like it never happened.

You actually met the young Mr Scamander in one of his readings about Magical Creatures in London, he was talking about Thestrals. He described these skinny black horses with skeletal bodies as elegant and gentle, he said they were calm but at the same time so very powerful. How he talked about every creature in the same loving way fascinated you from the beginning.

“But their beauty can only be seen by very view”, he said. He just sat on a small chair in front of a small crowd in a library. Not a lot of people were interested in his liberal views. But you adored him. The way the golden sunlight, broken by the dirty window glass, shined on his left side, the few times he actually looked up from the floor and a passionate smile grew on his face, you couldn’t stop listening. “You see, only those who saw death can see a Thestral. But many mistake this description for its literal definition. To see a Thestral, one needs to-“

You raised your hand. The brown-haired curls looked up. Almost startled by your action, he exclaimed a “yes?”. “One needs to have a deeper understanding of death, rather than just being a witness.” You blushed immediately as the small crowd turned around to look at you. “Right?”, you added shyly. He nodded.

After the reading, Newt stood up immediately, almost fleeing the building. You ran after him. “Uhm, Mr Scamander! Mr Scamander! I, uh...”, you called. He stopped to turn around. “Yes, can I help you?”, he asked politely, his gaze on the ground. He shortly looked up to study your expression. “I know, this must seem...strange. But I just wanted to apologize for interrupting your reading. I’m sorry if that seemed impolite”, you said with a hopeful smile.

“Oh”, he paused. “No, don’t worry. I’m just not... uh, used to people knowing or even caring about Thestrals. Most of them find them rather grim, I believe”, he smiled, looking into your eyes again for a few seconds. His blue eyes shimmered hazel in the afternoon sun. “I must excuse myself. I have to feed the mooncalves, I wish you a nice day”, he nodded and was on the verge on turning around again, you reached out, almost gripping his coat to stop him. “Mr Scamander, if I may, would I be able to help you with that? You don’t have to say yes, I just...I would love to learn more. One can only read so much in books”, you chuckled. He turned to you again, looking shocked again.

“Don’t feel obligated”, you added. “You are most welcome to. I can always use some help. Excuse my hesitation, this has never happened to me before”, he laughed, “if you follow me?”

And that’s how you found yourself visiting Newt Scamanders suitcase every day since then. You were a good team. And once he opened up to you more, joked around every now and then, you felt more comfortable around him as well. But still, there was always this thick wall between you emotionally. Neither one of you shared too many personal memories with each other. You enjoyed each other’s company dearly, you did. But something always kept you from being closer. Even though, from time to time, there were moments where the freckled man could make your heart jump like you’ve never felt before.

“Need help with that?” you asked one day as Newt was brewing a potion to treat the stomach ache of one of the Diricawls. You stood behind him, your hands on his shoulders, so you could look over him on your tip-toes. He turned his head a bit so he could see your face in the corner of his eyes, he blushed. “I’m good”, he said like a whisper. “Ugh, shut up and let me help you”, you scoffed and pulled out your wand. A few circular swings with your wand and the brown-ish fluid in the dark kettle started bubbling softly. “There you go, sweetie”, you said and patted his shoulder blades roughly. “No one is better at potions than you, Y/N”, he grinned slightly as he turned around to face you, his hands on the table behind him. “I know”, you winked at him. He broke the eye contact, his red-brown locks fell into his face, failing to hide his blushing cheeks. There it was again, that feeling. His shyness when you called him sweetie or honey drove you crazy. Officially you might have been completely platonic but his hidden smirks and chuckles made your insides burst.

 And then, one fateful Decembre evening, everything changed.

 “Y/N? You mind doing me a favour? You can say no of course... but... I’d... I’d love to have you there”, he smiled, his eyes darker than usual. You were just finishing up and about to leave but him asking you with this kind expression was a turn of events. “Uh, sure. What do you need me to do?”

Only about twenty minutes later you found yourself standing on the edge of a small lake surrounded by a pine forest at almost midnight. It was a bit chilly even for you, you lifted your shoulders, covering your face in your scarf. “Are you cold?”, Newt asked kneeling on the edge of the water, his wand in his hand, a worrying look on his face. He looked so pale in the blue light. “It’s alright”, you smiled at him. “Mr Scamander, if I may ask, what exactly are we doing here?”, you crossed your arms looking around. The forest was dark and cold, it looked utterly uninviting. Before you, the light blue lake reflected the moonlight and made for a calm atmosphere. It was almost completely silent. Your breath was visible in front of you and in that moment you wished, you had worn a thicker jumper.

“Looking for Kelpies, of course, Ms Y/L/N.”

“Of course”, you scoffed to yourself. Your gaze wandered across the water, it was quite peaceful.

“Couldn’t this wait `til the morning?”, you asked stepping closer to the lake.

“Sadly, no”, he then went on a rant on how this time was very important to get a good look at a Kelpie because they’re the friendliest when the sea is the coldest. You tried to distract yourself from the freezing cold by listening closely. But as you looked over to the other side of the lake, you made out a black creature drinking in the lake. Your eyes widened. A slender four-legged creature with a slim neck. It seemed, as if the creature could sense your staring and its head shot up, looking directly at you. Like a startled deer, you couldn’t look away. It was a Thestral.

“Newt!”, you whispered, keeping your eyes locked on the horse-like creature. “Newt!”, you said again with a bit more intensity. You couldn’t see but he turned around to look at you, saw your mesmerized face and looked into the same direction. “What is it? Did you see something?”, he asked, not moving a muscle. “It’s a... a Thestral, Newt. I can’t believe it. It’s so... beautiful”, you said slowly, still not blinking. The black skeleton moved around a bit, its coat shimmering blue in the night.

“What?”, Newt asked. He slowly stood up. He looked back and forth a few times. “Y/N?”, he said with a soft voice.

“Newt, don’t move! Look at it, it’s majestic”, you said with a wide smile. “Y/N-“, he tried again. “What is it? It’s right over there. Can’t you see it?”, you said with a hushed voice as to not spook the creature.

“No, actually, I can’t... see it”, Newt admitted. As you looked at him for the first time in minutes, you realized, he was a lot closer than you thought. Slowly you realized what this meant. Your smile faded. Newt had a painful expression on his face, covering it up with a weak smile to make you feel better. Of course, only you could see the Thestral. Because only you had witnessed death. Flashes of memories flooded your brain. You looked down brushing your hand through your hair.

“I’m sorry, Y/N”, he said as if he thought this would make it better. For the first time, his eyes never left you. “It was my Mum”, you said huskily, “she uh... passed, twelve years ago.”

Tears started clouding your vision as more and more memories came back again. You witnessed your Mum’s death. But how it happened was so horrible that you could not dare to speak it out loud.

Newt came another step closer and lightly squeezed your arm in comfort. He wanted to make it all ok again. Both of you didn’t say another word. You didn’t need to. For a moment you looked up into his eyes before he hesitantly pulled you into a hug. His arms were wrapped around your waist. Even through several layers of clothes you could feel his warmth against your chest. He smelled like apple pie and cider. Your arms around his neck, he was pulling you close to him, breathing into your shoulder. At that moment, you felt so vulnerable, like you would break any second and his strong grip was the only thing holding you together. He was stronger than you expected. His hands on your back, he pushed you closer to him. And there was nothing you wanted more than to kiss him right in this moment. He had never touched you like that, so intimate and strong.

Slowly his grip loosened, leaving you immediately cold again. Your hands slowly slid down his neck but stayed at his cheeks. You cupped his face looking at his dark blue eyes sparkling. His freckles were almost invisible, varnished with a red colour. His hands stayed at your hips, his thumb lightly brushing over you. You pulled his head down softly and he followed willingly. The amber curls tickled your forehead and you felt a soft hand cupping your cheek. You were only milimetres away from each other, so close, you breathed the same air. The heat was almost unbearable.

“Y/N...”

“Don’t...”, you mumbled. Your foreheads touched lightly. “Y/N, I...”, he began again. You gripped the hair at the back of his head to keep him close. His fingers ran through your hair as his other hand slid up your back. Your lips wanted his. You were breaking under his every touch.

A sudden water splash from the lake ripped you from your moment. Both of you turned to the lake, a dark shimmering creature had risen from the depths of the water. As fast as it appeared, it was gone again. The few water drops you felt, cooled your heated cheeks rather quickly. Newt rushed to the edge of the water, “did you see that?!”, he exclaimed. “Yea”, you gulped, still shook by what just happened. After looking at the water surface for what felt like hours, Newt turned around again looking at you, standing there like a beaten dog. You didn’t dare to say anything. What would you even say? Why didn’t he say anything?

The rest of the night both of you kept pretty much silent. You had never felt this unsure in your life. Normally, Newt was the shy and awkward one but he just turned your world around. The next few days you barely talked, still processing your moment the other night.

Until, you just couldn’t keep it in anymore. Without a warning you blurted out: “Tell me, how you feel about me.”

Newt, who was sorting plants as of right now, turned around with wide eyes. “What...”, he said slowly. “Tell me”, you repeated. “Who am I to you.”

He just stared at you without making a noise for a few moments before looking back at the ground, avoiding your gaze. “What... what do you mean by... by that?”, he stuttered, still looking down.

“Newt, come on. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t... I just can’t keep working here acting like everything’s normal, when it’s not... it’s really not”, you said walking around rubbing your forehead. “What’s wrong?”, he asked innocently. “I’m sorry, that was a stupid question. Is it about your mother? I’m terribly sorry. If there’s anything I can do, just-“

“Stop”, you cut him off sharply. “Please don’t... don’t do that.”

“Do what?”, he asked, obviously confused now.

“Being all cute and innocent and nice and... and just... you”, you replied and looked up at him.

“What’s wrong? I don’t...”, he stammered trying to read you.

“Who am I to you”, you asked again standing right in front of him.

He didn’t reply. He just stared holes in the floor again. Your hands softly found his cheeks and you pushed his gaze up to look at you. His eyes struggled to look at you. But when his found yours, there was it again, the magic, the flicker, the nervous tingling feeling in your stomach. “Tell me”, you whispered. “Say something”, you said, followed by an endless feeling pause.

“You’re funny”, he whispered. You held your breath for a moment.

“And you’re smart... so clever.” You started grinning.

“You make me smile, you’re so good and full of light.” You rubbed your thumb over his cheek.

“You brew the best potions, better than anyone I’ve ever seen. And you’re just...”, he paused.

“You’re just so very beautiful.”

You let out a happy giggle, your hands sliding to his neck and gently twirling his locks with your finger. He couldn’t look into your eyes but you could see that he liked it.

“Your nose is very symmetric and you have a nice chin”, he added, raising his gaze and looking at you with those hazel puppy eyes. You started laughing.

“What?”, he shyed away. “I’m sorry. That was inappropriate. I shouldn’t have said that... I understand if you want to leave”, he said.

“Don’t you dare think that for one second, Mr Scamander”, you said with a wide grin. That’s when you pulled him closer and finally kissed him. Your lips met and Newt closed the gap between your bodies. He pushed himself against you. “That’s all I wanted to hear”, you pulled away for a brief moment, only to deepen the kiss quickly after saying that. You never wanted to let him go again.

Thank you so much for reading! <3

[lucarioisinthevoid]

hello good sir (sir being a gender neutral term), i'd like to send some p r o m p t s. so i haven't played ucn in a LONG time, but some ideas off the top of my head: toy freddy (would be funny), funtime foxy (cause they're a bitch), n. fredbear and maybe nightmare (cause they're twisted versions of his b e l o v e d fredbear), and maybe foxy+bonnie (cause it's a bitch). just some ideas! also, being a man of culture, i'd like to request some tortu- jk, jk (i'd say sth funny but character limit).

(I will fight you for this ask. I will come to you home and pick you up and fling your body into space and into literal Among Us. My brain was going a mile a minute trying to gather enough coins to get rid of Funtime Foxy, and keep on top of EVERYTHING ELSE- And yet I was still surprised when I finally got jumpscared. Welp, I couldn’t have predicted it, so it’s kinda fun being able to write this now. Also yes, warning for mild torment! I’m just not good at writing it- Oh, also, here’s the AO3 link to the thing: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27687695/chapters/67764007 You can read the whole thing there and I update it there as I do here. You can request over there to, but that’s beside the point)

Be on top of his games. Watch his shows. Check in, but only at the right times. Henry grinded his teeth. It was almost like he had a son again- dear god, this truly was hell, wasn’t it? For a moment he had thought the Helpy robot was joking as he elaborated on what the damn plastic piece of shit’s mechanic was- No. No cursing. He shook his head. That was being petty for no reason. He had a mechanic- and it was a stupid one- but that was better than nothing. It was better than being told “you will die” without being able to do anything about it. For a moment he frowned, a though manifesting itself in the back of his mind. … if he would know there was no way to escape the pain, he would grow numb to it. So whoever or whatever set this up seemed to have a keen interest in- The clock chimed, it was time to play. Instantly he pulled up the monitor. He had been gifted the leeway of being allowed to eradicate one of them- and dear god, he would not say no, not if it was the only chance to give a little bit of payback. He checked on Toy Freddy- a good contender to be murdered- and clicked the door of the- vacuum cleaner- dear god, this would make his brain rot- then he moved on to more sensible things, like checking on Foxy, who was thankfully out, then moving over to gathering coins. Laughter from the door. “Mister Miller… look at you. You seem stressed.” “Why yes, I am quite tense.” Without looking up he closed the doors, opening them up right away. “I have to admit to my distain of the character selection that currently is coming after me. They make no sense, you see?” Another, similarly as deep voice sounded, albeit with a brighter tint to it- “… oh, don’t be ashamed of that, Mr. Miller. They have more distain for you than you do for them.” Once more, doors closed, doors open. He didn’t even need to look. “I can assume that, yes, but that is hardly my issue, is it now? My issue is their reality bending and tedious habits.” For this round he would be stuck on the cameras, wouldn’t he? Once more he flipped over to Foxy, gathering coins and being quietly thankful for the fact that he and Bonnie had not switched places yet. He had to get this done in the first time-warped hour and if he didn’t- he wasn’t sure when exactly the clock would move over and he didn’t want to find out. The nightmare duo was chuckling, so he shortly put the monitor down to look inside of Nightmare Fredbear’s red eyes. “… what are you supposed to be?” “You have never truly understood your own creation, did you…? If it lives… it changes…” “The only nightmare I ever created were the suits and-“ He turned to the other side, spotting the more pinkish eyes shining from that frame. “… you. Are you not supposed to be me?” “I think you can answer that yourself.” Shaking his head, Henry dismissed both of them, closing the doors and opening the camera feed, checking once more on Foxy, helping out Toy Freddy and finally snatching up the last few coins he needed- instantly he moved over to the price corner, ordering one of the silver coins- His eyes darted to the clock- Oh god, only a few more moments before the timer skipped- The pink hellfox was peering out of its cove, grinning widely- a grin that instantly was replaced by an agonized and hateful scream as Henry used the coin, allowing himself for a moment to watch the machine literally being disintegrated into clear silver dust. From the side, Nightmare Fredbear chuckled. “… how cruel.” “This is a dog-eat-dog world. You should not try to inflict onto others what you are not willing to go through yourself.” “Oh? Are you ready for what is coming for you then?” Abruptly Henry started laughing, as he once more checked on Foxy, then moved to Toy Freddy. “What? What is coming for me? Being brought back to Fredbear’s, except this time I am immortal, have inhuman strength and can start honing my ability to move whatever I desire with my mind? What a terrible fate you are threatening me with, Nightmare! I am appalled! How dare you gift me with everything I have ever wanted!” One last time he switched back to Foxy, then deactivated the monitors, assuming it was best to be on Foxy’s camera right away, so when he pulled the camera back up- His eyes fell on the little figure of Bonnie that was now on the table. For the love of god, how could he have been that stupid!? Looking up at Nightmare Fredbear’s red eyes, he saw a bit of bemusement in it- that and a deep, underlaying level of pure disgust. “… will you ever learn, Mr. Miller? Will you ever realize that the resistance you have been met with was not from nowhere? Will you learn that you cursed them?” “NONSENSE.” Henry HISSED. “I considered you smart. I was wrong. The only reason the children were struggling against me because I could not yet accommodate them well enough- propaganda against me and my mission was spread. William seemed to have been just fine with his joke of a family that he had gotten himself in a flight of passing fancy. What made him different?!” There was only silence from the outside, as Henry glanced once more at the figure. Still Bonnie and it wouldn’t change. Muttering more so to himself than to the Fredbear, he stressed his point. “Nature has turned on me for taking what I desired, much like the ocean, the skies and the land has turned against humanity at every opportunity. Even in the different religious texts, humanity and to steal and take with violence what it needed to become what it was meant to be. One god banished the species in fear of them becoming immortal, much like the being itself- another wanted to deny us fire as petty retaliation, because fire brings creation- and it had to be taken back by theft.” Not quite, but close enough. He didn’t want to recount the stories. “… if you want to grow, you have to feed, and if you feed, you destroy. And so, destruction brings new creation. We feed off the old gods and create new rules. Nature does not like to be controlled and abused- all it wishes is to slowly burn itself out. Until nothing is left. But we humans preserve- we are a species who is so defenseless, yet have made it this far, by preserving knowledge, by learning early, early and as much as we can- eventually however it will come to a standstill. You can only learn so much with the time given. Until said time become infinite. Some ills of humanity can only be cured by allowing humans to permanently remain and learn. For that we need immortality.” There still was only silence and he sighed- He had wasted too much time. The Bonnie figure was still there, but he might as well get it over with, he wouldn’t get around him disabling the cameras. Quickly he closed the door to the left side where he knew Nightmare Fredbear was waiting, pulling up the cameras, to Bonnie’s aggressive scream- But before he could really boot the thing up, a giant black paw came from above grabbing the little tablet, cracking it. The Amalgamation was towering over him, black fur and metal broken up by the silver shine of its teeth. Baffled for a few seconds, Henry looked at him. “I… did not hear you.” “The others are not your problem anymore, are they now?” With its vile grin it picked Henry up by the head, an incredibly painful experience, playfully throwing him against the wall with full force- a crack was sounded and as Henry tried to stumble back on his feet, he quickly realized he couldn’t- something was damaged, so badly that the pain was too much- His head was still sharp though, the white pain barely being fended off by his mind trying to figure out how this creature could be HERE- It had been HIM, it was HIM, what would make him want to- Blood was dripping from out his mouth, tasting disgustingly mechanical- “… you… you are supposed to be ME-“ Smiling the monstrous bear-esque beast picked him up, causing another wave of incoherent, glowing pain to wash through Henry, his whole chest being just enough to fill the Amalgamation’s hand. “I was you. We have seen all your thoughts, all your ideas, we have shaped, and we have remembered. You are me. And we crave violence, Mister Miller. Your words were pretty to hear, but we do not believe them. We know what we are- a monster who thinks of itself too highly, an animal unable to resist the siren call of violence and blood. Our creation has not made us better than all the monsters we feared becoming. There is only one difference between us… … I am not ashamed of my needs anymore.” With that he started pulling on Henry’s arm, pulling as the delirious man convulsed under him- Ready to take a bite out of it. “But I do love creation too… and I cannot wait to see what we will turn you into. The brain is moldable, Henry. It does fantastical things under pain and pressure…” His other claw was digging into the human’s head. The other was pulling the now separated arm to his maw, biting down with a sickening, wet crunch. Happily he sighed. The few seconds of Henry’s awareness that were left only wondered quietly if his parts being consumed would mean he would never get them back- The Amalgamation seemed to hear the thought, grinning at him with its now stained teeth. “I will vomit you back… to relieve your horror…” … with that Henry faded.

[pangzi]

Thank you for your NMJ comments So Much you get it! It's like everyone lifted a 1D impression of him as a violent asshole. No! He has a very black/white morality stance but he's genuinely a very sympathetic and kind man! He's unbending because he has to be to survive his environment and protect his brother. JGY knew what kind of man NMJ was and how he had his moments of anger, and him doing what he did anyway speaks far more to his character as a villain than it does NMJ's as a victim.

Oof I’m sosorry for my very late reply to this, I started replying to this right before Ihad to leave and ended up with a 600+ words long rant that made no sense andwasn’t finished haha I rewrote everything but I went off again I’m sorry…  @anyone who replies to this my brain is allcql I barely remember anything that happened in the novel so don’t start with ‘Idisagree because in the novel this happened blah blah blah’

BUT!! Yes!!I agree!! With everything!! I have to be honest, nmj had to grow on me too! Butthat’s only normal as we only really get to know him late in the season. But oncewe got to know him, it was just really hard for me to dislike him? He definitelyisn’t perfect, but what’s interesting about a perfect character am I right?

Many peoplewho hate him try to pick out little things and seem to completely forget thecontext around them or whatever lead up to it, and use it against him? Likewith Jiang Cheng but that’s a whole different story.

I see NieMingjue as a man with an extremely big heart. Everything he does seems to bebecause he cares deeply about something. He is hard on Huaisang because heknows he can’t protect him forever and wants to make sure Huaisang can protecthimself. He sent Meng Yao away because he needed to protect the people aroundhim.

I wannatalk about that last thing a bit, he sent meng yao away. As we see withthe Wen Clan, nmj is very ‘an eye for an eye’, doesn’t seem to think the Wenscan do better. Then why doesn’t he kill jgy? Yes jgy saved his life. But thatdoesn’t change the fact that jgy is still a threat, like the Wens seem to be athreat later on. They haven’t killed yet but other Wens have so they should diebc maybe they will because they’re Wens after all. So it wouldn’t have been toowild of nmj to still kill him, and I lowkey feel like nmj used the ‘yousaved my life so I’ll let you go’ as a way to cover up the fact that he didn’twant to kill jgy bc he deeply cares for the boy (he cried when he sent jgy awayfolks, he cRIED). Now he sent jgy away, ok cool he didn’t kill him fine finethat’s it. He assumes jgy has gone to the jin clan, asks jzx if jgy is ‘behaving’ and ‘stayingin his place’ or sth. And I’ve seen people use this against him as well. ‘whydoes jgy have to stay in his place’ WELL DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER HOW A WHILE AGOJGY KILLED SOMEONE RIGHT IN FRONT OF NMJ’S EYES JUST LIKE THAT? I agree, thequestion is a bit harsh. But to me it also shows he cares? He could’ve asked ‘howis jgy?’ but what does he know by asking that? This is still someone who betrayedhis trust. He wants to know if this person who betrayed him is trying to dobetter, following the rules, not killing people. BUT oh no the boy isn’tthere? Then where is he?Oh there he is, working for the goddamn enemy, killing disciples right in frontof nmj’s eyes. And then his explanation? ‘It was me or them, I had no choice hahaoop’ while both me and everyone in that goddamn room knew nmj would’ve sacrificedhimself for even only one of those men bc that’s the person he is he wouldnever just kill someone for no reason, ‘because he had no choice’. Once againgiving nmj not a lot of reasons to trust him as they seem to have completely differentvalues and standards. BUT, there we go he does try to trust jgy again. He doesn’t like givingjgy another chance but he still does it. Yes he is cold to jgy and quite meansometimes. But this boy has hurt him several times already, he’s protectinghimself. He wants to give jgy another chance, he is quite literally putting hisentire life in his hands, and what does jgy do? He poisons his mind, brings himto his death. I don’t even think Nie Mingjue says any truly awful things to jgy except whenhe’s losing his goddamn mind.

Nmj tookjgy in when he was rejected by his father, stood up for him when nobody elsewould, promoted him just like that because he believed in him, trusted him overand over again, and what did he get for it? A very painful, sad and tragicdeath.

He has manyflaws, but nobody can make me believe nmj is a violent asshole. He is aman with a big heart who just wants to protect the people around him, thepeople he cares for but sadly the only way he thinks he can is by cultivatingin a way that will poison his mind.

So yeah… I loveNie Mingjue. He was clearly the victim in the entire situation and did notdeserve to die! And he does not deserve all these people making him out to be ahorrible person or even a villain.

[pochrm]

Roses & Dreams have sth to do with TS7

Okay guys, so everyone has been getting aboard the TS7 theory for a very long time know, and even it seems kinda redundant to come up with new theories now I discovered something today that might make sense.

Yesterday I was watching #TaylorSwiftTuesday55 in Lauren Lipman’s youtube channel and when she was discussing a theory about roses, and France and how roses simbolize love and keeping in mind how frecuently Tay has been using them in merch and other stuff it’s very likely she’s gonne drop some info about TS7 while she’s in France later this week, however... (thanks to @rikkileebelisle) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFaupXTp1Ww

The photo that popped at 16:49 (you know, the one with @taylorswift​ wearing a rose around her neck and the edit Valheria Rocha made for her) catched my eye.

It’s been like a month ever since Taylor posted that particular picture on her social media and no one is talking enough about it, and all the meaning behind it.

A little storytime, while Taylor was being extra creptic about the easter eggs (right before the ME! video was released, with all those random pics in her instagram: Diamond heart, yellow suit, opal rings, flowers in general, butterflies) I started to look for stuff in a book my mother bought a long time ago about the meaning of dreams, and how to interpretate them according to what’s ocurring in our lives at the moment (it was just for fun and to get a new interpretation about those things). The book works kinda like a dictionary, You look for the particular element you dreamt about and read the meaning according to the author.

Long story short, nothing that has never been said before came from my research and later the 4.26 countdown ended so we got like half of the answers cause this woman adores to mess up with our minds. I kinda closed the book with my dream theoriy, until Lauren’s video yesterday. On it, twitter user @ rikkileebelisle said the roses Taylor has been using are called French Roses, I google them and they also go as “Rosa de Castilla” in spanish.  Today after looking carefully at the previous post of Taylor with a rose in her neck, i decided to look for the meaning of roses in dreams again, but this time on the internet. I found this site which explains all the meanings of dreaming with almost every kind of rose: http://www.ludwigsroses.co.za/literature/dream-interpretations/ And here (finally) goes the crazy part:

The meaning of dreaming with rosettes (an arrangement or decoration resembling of a rose) is: “you will come to grieve for wasting precious time over trivial matters”.

SO: -Tay is literally wearing a Rosette in that photo

-Grieving for wasting time over trivial matters rings SO many bells, like the Kimye drama or the Bad Blood between her and Katy. My guess here it’s that Taylor is sending us hints that TS7 will talk about that topic,and how she kinda regrets putting her focus on that stuff instead on the other positives (almost like grieving her wasted time) -Also if you keep scrolling in the link I shared about the meaning of roses, you’ll see the meaning about “damask roses” ”To dream about a damask rose bush in the wild foretells of a marriage within your family”. YEP, if you google it you’ll find out damask roses and Rosas de Castilla/French roses are exactly the same. So, can we all agree that brings the engagement theory back?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! Also if you think about, The rosette Taylor is wearing in the photo it’s pretty similar to an engagement ring (shape wise, being the rose the big diamond of the ring, and probably the chocker around her neck represents the actual ring)

And also, her aesthetic has been very “dreamy” lately so there we have another clue. My guess it’s that the album is definitely is going (like the most part) to be about her thoughts and introspection about the latest situations/her life during and after the rep tour and how she got to blossom again into her oldself again, that’s what i think dreamy/the relation with “dreams” mean. (Literally dreams=introspection, when we are dreaming our brains show us images and scenes that are buried deep inside our minds, and sometimes we wish for things we cherish the most). Besides dreaming of roses & roses and dreams are phrases that sound really sweet and tender, similar to once again the visuals this era and that could easily explain why are we seeing so many roses this era. So, even we played a fool of ourselves during the 1989 thinking the album was going to be called “ROSES” I believe this time, we truly have something here. That, or I just turned into a big crackhead. @taylorswift @taylornation

[luxover]

is there more perfect vampire & werewolf au duo than webster and liebgott? au where they are roommates in uni for monsters or sth and web is a werewolf of course, with his body hair and stuff, and on his no-full moon down time he is annoyingly pedantic, not wolf like at all. and joe is a vampire with his sharp angles and sharper tongue and he is a mess. just imagine them fighting and making jabs at the other's kind but when someone else tries it then it's on. only they can insult each other.

Omg, yesssss anon, can you imagine? Joe walks into his dorm room Day One, excited because his roommate is supposed to be another vamp named Henry Jones, only there must’ve been some mix-up because when he walks in the door, the guy setting up shop is certainly not a vamp. Joe can tell that right away, can peg him as a werewolf just by looking at him and his general hairiness, and the way his eyes are so goddamn big.

“Hi, I’m David Webster,” the guy says. His nostrils flare and then Webster scrunches up his nose and adds, “Blutsauger?” like that’s the worst thing Joe could be. Bloodsucker. So first thing’s first: fuck that guy. Joe tells him as much back to his face, and in perfect fucking German no less.

Joe hates him from that moment on, and everything else he learns just makes him hate Web more, from how he corrects Joe’s grammar to how he raises his eyebrows when he sees Joe reading comic books. Even the way he’s so fucking neat and organized that he can’t stand so much as a single jacket of Joe’s on the floor drives Joe crazy.

Once, Web used the word grandiloquent in actual, honest-to-god conversation. Web then stopped mid-sentence to explain, Grandiloquent. It means pompous or extravagant. Joe hadn’t known that, but he hadn’t admitted to it, either, just rolled his eyes and said pointedly, Yeah, sounds familiar.

So, even though he’s a wolf, Web’s not dangerous, exactly, but he is unbearable.

“I sure thought getting a dog would be different,” Joe tells him one day, blowing smoke out the open window. Web hates it when Joe leaves the windows open in winter, so Joe goes out of his way to do it. It’s fair turnaround: Joe hates how Web plays classical music when he studies, but that hasn’t stopped him.

“Don’t fucking call me that,” Web snaps back. “That’s incredibly offensive.”

“Hey, you started it,” Joe points out lazily, and then rolls his eyes at the way Web has the audacity to look confused.

So anyway, life goes on and they coexist just barely, but nobody gets killed, which is nice, especially considering how frequently they argue. Not that Joe would exactly mind it if Web got killed. A single would be nice.

And then one day, as Joe’s sitting at his desk writing a paper, balancing his chair on its hind two legs, Web walks in looking all wind blown, hair damp and sticking to his forehead, shirt soaked. Joe can see his goosebumps even though wolves run hot. Thunder claps outside.

“How’s the weather, Web?” Joe asks, just to be a dick. 

“Overcast, so you should love it,” Web shoots back, and then he turns around to strip off his tee in favor of a dry one. It’s dumb, because Joe has no problem walking in the sun, and he opens his mouth to say as much when he notices the strong lines of Web’s back, the muscle of his sides. Vamps aren’t built like that; Joe’s wiry, all lean muscle and sharp angles, nothing to look at. But Web—

And then Web turns around, dry shirt half over his head, hairy chest on display. He’s got hair on his belly, too, leading down past his belt. He struggles the bottom half of his shirt down.

Joe swallows and his throat sticks. He feels blindsided.

“Wet dog,” Joe says, searching for some semblance of normalcy. He waves a hand in the air. “Lovely.”

Web just snaps. “God, what is wrong with you? I said I was sorry; I didn’t know that was something I wasn’t supposed to—”

And then he pauses. He looks at Joe looking back.

“What?” Joe asks.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?” Joe asks like a fuck you.

“Like you—” Web‘s nostrils flare a little. His mouth drops open with the realization. “Really? I thought you hated me.”

“Fuck you,“ Joe says this time, and then they do. Twice.

That’s how it starts, anyway. A lot of fucking and not talking, but then sometimes they do talk, and it turns out that Web is actually funny. He makes jokes about sleeping with Joe in the summer, when it’s sticky hot outside and Joe’s skin is still cold as ice, and about his own hair clogging the shower drain as the full moon approaches. And even though he still tends to be be a pedantic, pretentious piece of shit, it turns out he doesn’t even realize it. Guy’s just really passionate about his love of the Oxford comma and his dislike of dog-based name-calling. Go figure.

So they start fucking on the regular, and then gradually start talking on the regular. Joe helps Web with his German—the one thing Web isn’t perfect at—and Web edits some of Joe’s papers. They’re not best friends or anything, but they’re something, even if they still fight all the time.

Web’s still the same holier-than-thou wolf he was when Joe met him, even though they fuck enough to almost make up for it.

“He’s the fuckin’ worst,” Joe says after a full-moon fight. He’s talking about Web. He’s watching Web, too, playing darts across the crowded common room with Heffron, the two of them laughing and standing too close. Web had come home that morning with dark circles under his eyes, looking scratched and beat up to hell, and laughed when Joe said maybe he’d tag along next full moon. Vamps are known to run, sometimes; it’s not unheard of, but fuck Joe for even suggesting it. And fuck Web too, for that matter.

“Who?” Luz asks, and then he gestures with a highlighter. “Heffron? I thought you suckers all stuck together.”

Joe rolls his eyes, and then digs in his pocket for a cigarette. He wasn’t talking about fucking Heffron. He barely knows Heffron. Just because they’re both vamps, doesn’t mean they have to do all the same extracurriculars or whatever.

But what the fuck does Luz know? He’s a shifter, not a genius.

“Not him,” Joe says, placing a cigarette in the corner of his mouth. “Web. The fuckin’… He’s the most annoying Lyco I’ve ever fuckin’ met. Like his shit don’t stink.”

“Aren’t you guys roommates?” Luz asks.

Joe pats down his pockets for his lighter, but can’t find it. He knows he had it yesterday, when Web got back from Intro to Egotism and they made out on Joe’s bed before the full moon. Web had tugged Joe’s pants down and when the lighter tumbled out of Joe’s pocket, he gestured to the art on the side and said, Dick Tracy, really? Like he’s so much better than Joe because he reads shit written a hundred years ago. Joe can’t stand him. You’re focusing on the wrong dick, there, Web, Joe had told him, and kicked his pants and his lighter off the foot of the bed. They stopped talking after that.

“Ah, fuck,” Joe says about his lighter, tucking the unlit cigarette behind his ear. Across the common room, Webster says something to Doc Roe, the healer. Doc must say something back, because then Webster laughs, loud and unrestrained, as if no one were trying to fucking study twenty feet away. To Luz, Joe replies, “Unfortunately, yeah. Me and the moony.”

He looks over. Luz is gone and Joe Toye is sitting across from him, slouching back easily in the way only Luz can.

“Bet you could use my brass knuckles now,” Toye says, straightening up and leaning forward on his elbows, the corners of his mouth downturned. Joe rolls his eyes.

“Not half bad,” he admits.

A loud shout, and across the room, Heffron is celebrating. Web is smiling but shaking his head, his hair sticking up everywhere, and chest hair showing where he stopped buttoning his shirt. That’s wolves, though, Joe supposes: hairy no matter what day of the moon it is. Joe hates that he likes it, and hates that he just so happened to get saddled with the one wolf who thinks his brain is bigger than his bark and his bite.

“Hey. If I can’t be my boyfriend, who can I be?” Luz-as-Toye asks, and tosses his highlighter down on his open textbook. They’re not really studying, anyway; the common room is too loud, with the tv on, and Malarkey keeps teleporting Muck and Penkala away into the girls’ dorm and then back again. Plus, Webster and his fucking laugh. Joe hates his laugh.

“Literally anybody,” Joe says drily.

As if to make a point, Toye picks up his ratty plastic water bottle to take a sip, and Gonorrhea puts it down.

“Yeah, yeah,” Bill says. “Ya dirty rat. It was a joke. Christ, even Sobel has a better sense of humor than you, and he’s a hobgoblin.”

“I think he prefers the Jewish term Mazikeen,” Joe deadpans, still staring down Web.

Across the common room, Web notices Joe watching and he nods, smiles a little. Joe just stares back for a minute and then turns away. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Web start to head over.

“Great,” Joe says under his breath.

Luz, as Bill, puts his hand out and presses it into Joe’s chest. “I got this.”

Joe knocks his hand away and rolls his eyes. “You don’t got shit,” he says, and then that’s it, Web’s there.

“Hey,” Web says. “Joe, can I talk to you?”

“S’a free country.” Joe smiles and shows his teeth—the fangs—because Web’ll probably hate it.

Web breathes out loudly and combs his fingers through his hair. Joe’s eyes follow the movement; guy’s got some delicate wrists for such a strong creature. Web looks away and then back at Joe.

“I meant in private,” Web clarifies.

Bill cuts in. “Just so’s you know, now’s not really a good time. Joe here and I are studying.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Web says, “but—”

“Ain’t no buts, puppy,” Bill says, and that—

“The fuck did you just call him?” Joe interrupts. Puppy is a softball of an insult, mostly used by kids on the playground, but Web fucking hates that shit, the demeaning terms that make him out to be nothing more than a dog.

“It was a joke,” Bill says, sounding more and more like Luz, until suddenly, Luz is the one sitting there.

“Oh. Hey, Luz,” Web says easily, like he’s not even offended, and maybe he’s not, maybe he just gets heated when Joe’s the one saying it, but at any rate, Joe’s heard enough.

“Don’t fucking call him that,” Joe says.

Luz holds up to hands in a gesture of peace. “I didn’t mean anything by it! You’re the one who called him a moony.”

“Practically a term of endearment, coming from Lieb,” Web says, and that’s when Joe scoffs.

A term of endearment? Fuck, the full really did a number on Web this time.

“Ah, I get it,” Luz says, and slides out of his chair.

As Luz gathers up his textbooks, Joe asks, “Get what?” but Luz doesn’t answer, just claps Web on the back as he goes.

Web takes Luz’s seat. Joe moves the cigarette from behind his ear to his lips before remembering he doesn’t have a way to light it.

“Here,” Web says, digging in his pocket before pulling out Joe’s Dick Tracy lighter. “Found it mixed up with my stuff.”

Joe takes the lighter. He wants to say thank you, but doesn’t really know how to, and is still pissed, besides. So he just obnoxiously salutes Web instead.

“Hey. About earlier. I didn’t mean…” Web says.

“No sweat,” Joe says, because fuck if he’s going to let Web see him down.

“No, I mean,” Web starts again. “It’s not that I don’t want—I thought you were being sardonic.”

“Well, I wasn’t.”

Then, almost as if Web wants Joe to laugh, he mocks himself by putting on airs and saying, “Sardonic. It means sarcastic or cynical.”

Joe breathes out a laugh that he hides by pressing the heels of his palms into his closed eyes. “One hell of an apology,” he says.

“I’m sorry,” Web admits. “Come out with me next full moon?”

Joe shrugs. “What the hell,” he says, and lights up his smoke.

[astralmaenad]

Hey so I was reading through your fics again and I was wondering: how do the five boys, all who have dealt with soul crushing loneliness/isolation in one form or another for an extended period of time react to suddenly living in close quarters with 4 other people? (5 counting Mokuba!)

Hello anon. Oh boi this is going to get long and sad. 

Firstly, idk what exactly u mean by isolation bc imo all of them have been there in one way or another. Maybe it wasn’t the puzzle or nothingness, but it was sth. I will aim for a comprehensive answer but if you had sth more specific in mind, feel free to hmu again. I am dumb and my brain is full of Cold War politics atm (help me). So… w that said!

They all have nightmares. Some more frequent or more violent than others. Atem dreams of emptiness and confusion and anxiety. Seto dreams of his demons. Mahaad dreams of the darkness and his memories with Atem and Seth and his sense of self slipping away. Yuugi, before getting Atem back, used to talk to himself and get no answer. And Seth… Seth is so deep in ptsd idk where to start tbh. The most prevalent tho is his fear of being alone (and also falling short where it matters). And when one of them has a nightmare, all of them get it. They are no strangers to it. They might share (Atem) or they might keep it in (Seto, Yuugi) but they always end up under a very warm cuddle pile and w Mahaad sacrificing his energy to guard their sleep w soul magic. 

Now, individually… Atem honestly cannot get enough. He might be tired, he might not want to talk much, but he will almost always be in the same room as a minimum of one bf. He will kiss them and touch them in small ways any chance he gets, just for the contact and reassurance. 

Mahaad doesn’t actively avoid being alone, but he reassures himself by taking care of them whenever he can. He just has to care for someone (that is doubly true for the time they spend in the afterlife before their resurrection, and a lil afterwards, when Atem and Seth are the most fragile). Generally, he will put them first and operate on auto until it is settled and he is alone and then and only then he might allow himself a breakdown. But he is most at peace when he knows his boys are okay, and that very soon includes Seto and Yuugi. 

Seth. (there is… a lot to unpack here) Seth is having the toughest time, before even moving into the mansion. Now, 5 people as is, is not a lot for him. In fact, u might even say it’s more peaceful compared to a palace where he is held in close scrutiny for everything he does. Esp before his death, with the political unrest and war (his time would fall in an Intermediate Period for Egypt if you’re familiar) and the pressure to produce an heir before he was killed or dethroned. I hc he had to deal w a lot of fabricated rumors and scandals –bc he seemed eccentric even to them– that he so did not deserve for all he did for Khemet. He is starved for contact, which has resulted in him being very tactile. He won’t stick as close as Atem does 24/7, but he clings in his sleep and literally cannot get enough of someone touching/holding him. He must be able to hold onto his partner during sex (spoiler: bc of the pressure to reproduce, the scrutiny, the women thrown at him and his self inflicted celibacy, the first time things get steamy after they rejoin and he realizes this is real, he cries on his partner and then end up cuddling instead.) He cannot sleep (undisturbed or at all) alone. 

Yuugi is a lil overwhelmed to have Seth and Mahaad in the house at first. Not bc he doesn’t like them or they are too packed (it is a mansion) but bc he is unsure of how to act around them. Esp bc he is the only one who can’t understand or speak their language. They try tho, and through the bond Atem keeps as much of a constant translation stream as he can. Which, rly, is Yuugi’s fave time bc he can’t get enough of being able to reach over and feel Atem on the other end once again. He will be jetpacking at least one of them during sleep, altho he prefers to have at least one bf on either side, and has been known to switch it up after the 3am bathroom break just to get a bit of everyone. 

Seto is a lil more difficult. It’s a lot for him, more so bc he traps himself into various imaginary scenarios where he is left behind and Atem rides off into the sunset w Seth and Mahaad even tho Seto has an active role in their resurrection. In short, it feels like an entire army in his head. He is already familiar w Yuugi (rivalshipping will be established by the time Atem is resurrected) and he clings to Atem like a man starved. He grows accustomed to Mahaad first bc he is a balancing force, and lastly Seth bc they are too similar and clash the most and it scares him. But ultimately, he thrives at having the attention of 4 bfs. Do his self-isolating all-nighters stop? No. But now they come w warm tea and snacks left by his keyboard when he wasn’t looking which isn’t half bad. 

Mokuba is honestly the biggest wild card. He sees Seto exhausted and knows he has been reckless and risking his life and for what? He gives them a hard time at the start, and says some hurtful things to Atem. But they get it resolved, and he sees that from a point on they are good for his brother. And as much as he might not like it, perhaps the only way for Seto to let himself happy. Mokuba and Seth keep tip-toeing around each other, bc he low key creeps Mokuba out as a concept and Seth did not account for Mokuba in his plans, but they make it work. They got this. 

Thank u for the question, anon. Plz let me know if sth doesn’t make sense. What i’ve posted is like 0.01% of what i have planned out and idk what’s happening any more. *crying emoji*

[davidjjohnston3]

Facebook Insomnia 7.25.2021 1. I am still sad to conceptualize life in terms of fiction and the condition of fiction rather than Christianity undivided.   Today I had a lot of images of Japan in my mind.  I heard the phrase 'Japanese Breakfast' which is the rock-star name of the author of 'Crying at H-Mart' a famous book. I remembered someone who once dated someone who became my enemy. This person I respected I now realize and I am happy that I didn't say anything excessively stupid that would have implied I look down on her, saw her as easy, saw her as 'material to work on,' someone to have a plan for etc.   I asked her once for help getting someone to interview at Deloitte for consulting only this person was in Accounting. I never really saw this person as in my league or anything to me except as a 'Curriculum Developer' I guess I outranked her and so wasn't shy of talking to / with her in official functions.   Later we drank together and I said a few random things like that I stress- / binge-eat apples, like 5 apples a night. My friend once did a funny imitation of her that in retrospect sounded a little like my Taiwanese ex-girlfriend's imitation of Kaori Mochida from Every Little Thing; the funny thing I now realize is that he too had lingering affection for her despite everything.  I feel he became anti-Korean racist and I don't know where he is now but in retrospect he definitely never crossed a line with her that I know of except for asking questions I would never ask.  He called her by her Asian name which was something I never did in those days feeling it pretentious.   'The mysterious maiden of the Moon...' - It's a line from Yi Kwangsu's 'The Soil' in which a married man is comparing his wife with someone else like his former student.  In good Korean custom since his former student once had a puppy-crush on him and gave him some corn, when her husband finds out, he kicks her to death in her pregnant stomach and this is why I oppose many things in principle such as tribalism, marriage, and for all intent and purposes the nuclear family. Yi Kwangsu is a problematic figure and as a Christian or aspiring Christian / 'Christianist' I don't recommend it.  It has incredibly exquisite descriptions of women that could make you brain-dead.  Yi Kwangsu also supposed Japan's occupation of Korea so that to this day talking about Yi Kwangsu can get you crucified.   I also seem to recall something like '_ _-ya, you got run over by a train you one-legged prostitute; now you have to love your husband even more.'  But I don't remember the context. Ironically or not 'The Soil' is the title of a Knut Hamsun novel the author of which supported Hitler; I do not.   I wonder where she is now. This person got shot at a lot and I regret adding to her burdens with my sin-eater-type confessions or just shooting my mouth off when stuff happened.  I had a crush on someone else and started saying I was sad I lost my virginity in college; IDK why I said anything. This person also had high alcohol-tolerance - extremely high for a female Asian - and although I could also drink a lot I always did bad self-destructive things. In the Middle Ages one form of 'trial by ordeal' was to reach your hand in to boiling water to pull out a pearl and if the boiled skin healed well you were exonerated or sth.   She must be 'somebody's everything; my impossible girl.'  IDK why she talked to me and I made fun of her and all my fictionalized versions of her and theories of her were derogations.   Like me she played the piano. She once said '_ _ is popular' which was a burn I appreciate since I'm anti-popularity and anti-personality-cults. She went to a school part of which is Victoria College where a literary critic I admire(d) taught for many years. I am stuck in America, hounded by Satan through the personages of my Maoist biological family and 'family tree' of America torn between past and future, un-death and life; due in large part to my excessive tendency to defend myself, to lash out, to wash my hands on the outside without cleaning my 'interior mentality' to paraphrase the 'Da Xue,' or to blaspheme the Spirit in some respects, I feel. I regret talking about her and at the same time why would I talk about lesser maidens? IDK what her favorite piano-piece was as I never endeavored to enage her in discourse about art or aesthetics given she is not a 'kisaeng' or 'geisha' and I am not a museum-curator or whatever.  Other people would be like 'Oh!  You lke the Grande Valse Brilliante; I know you spent the summer of 2003 teaching yourself repeat-notes.'   Everyone wants to drag everyone in to their mud or graves these days.  Am reminded of Endo Shusaku's 'Silence' about why Jesuits would apostasize in medieval Japan.  His conclusion was that the 'swamp of Japan' was too full of sensualism, the Portuguese Jesuit wanted a Japanese mistress or wife.  I once yelled 'swamp f-ggot' at someone due to their tendency to emotionalize and 'contextualize' everything which was an underhanded way of trying to make me change my sex as well.  In an effort to mitigate some of the tempting evil pornographic things I said about KR over the years I said a few more but this is a person, whose name means 'Pearl' as in 'the pearl of great price for which oe sold everything else.'  It is said that AAPI Twitter, America, house-slave Am-Kor own-goal Korean self-exploitation honor-killing squadsters, etc. want to these people in the trash. I found my Gideon Kor-Eng NT Psalms with the 'victory song' that sounds like Mandarin in its Revelation, that I had worried I'd lost.  That might be the 'most grateful' thing that 'happened.' I also remembered what my Mandarin name used to be though I had many in different classes I took. I was going to say many things, but in the end: the mystery of Charity.

*

I never considered the full implications of socialism or mental socialism till today.  I assumed that it was valid mitigation.  Some are born rich, some are born poor, it's wrong to let the latter starve on principle alone.   I don't even know how to say this.  I remember during the Iraq War being struck by how much the government - like my mom - was asking outsiders for advice about how to fight.  Dick Cheney got in trouble.  Years later I was skeptical of the F-35 because a lot of idiots with no skin in the game wanted to build it here or there. Wisconsin wanted to build the 'Littoral Combat Ship' which who cares. It made people worse and worse. The only thing is, the CCP - who ultimately serve I dare not even say whom, but clearly not the ghosts of Karl Marx or Vladimir Lenin or perhaps even Mao Zedong - figured out awesome killer ways to troll Republicans like Scott Walker w/ their 'FoxConn Fallujah hokey-pokey' whereby they got an avowed capitalist to promise socialists something that actually came from-post-hyper-anti-socialist hyper-capitalists with a plan to kill all white people or something. My father used to talk about the University of Chicago School of Economics all the time and it made me sulkily ask myself why 'Poor Dad' is talking so much about stuff that supposedly makes people billionaires while Jacob's English major dad is Bloomberg's 'chief of staff.'   I say again it's just like Biden saying all the right stuff, 'knee on the neck of the American soul, bone of our bone, winter of peril, hey dumbfuck, articulate, they're killing people.' Writing grant-proposals to the government to fund private research in to brain-injury that is itself applied by the government to veterans sent to get brain-damaged by a government that said good things and did retarded things based on their readings of the good things they said a bit like Karenin in 'Anna Karenina.'   I remember when George W. Bush said 'I'm the decider.'  I once told my dad to get out of my face so he got really sloshed up and vapored, 'I'm in your face!'  I'm not even saying that to defame someone but welcome to reality. Every so often every male seems to try to man up then they defend themselves like, 'No that is not the way in which I meant that I was manning up.'  You could call this 'self-draft-dodging.' It's ancient history but if I had been wiser I would have tried to predict the future for myself rather than visualize it as an abstract spectatorial notion.  At day's end mental socialists can literally not understand why it is wrong to steal.  Stealing is compulsory under socialism - I again come back to 'Pearl' since her ex-suitor and I used to reflect on how Korean collectivism drove people into themselves.  Similarly mental socialists cannot but hoard 'capabilities' so that in the end they'll falsify anything, steal anything; the only limit I guess is living with themselves.

I keep giving myself to fantasy and coping of all kinds like a 'mental Changrae Lee novel, mental David Guterson novel,' or ultimately Vergil (Virgil).  There has to be a new music, a new dream, something, a new city, though it is odd to think about pre-Christian times and a legend of what came before Rome in a Christian moment amid realignment in 'late Roman history.' My favorite YAL book still perhaps is 'The Giver' since it deals with the uses of history, with abortion, and with escape or exile.   I was going to say a while back something about 'Light in August' which relates to escape - as well to complacence - and to interracial relationships, pregnancy, the right to live.  I was in Minneapolis but mind was on Japan, on all these swords, not the Olympics but histories of swords and strange armor, halberds.  There was a huge sword called a 'field sword' in translation. I don't even want to see these people again; I sincerely pray the Japanese Prime Minister, the men and women of their armed forces, Tokyo's apparently amazing counter-terrorism and response capabilities for NBC / WMD / etc. attacks since the Aum Shinrikyo Sarin subway attacks and maybe their counter-nuclear or ability to respond after a nuclear blast will be enough.  People in America are trying to live by a little of the old, a little of the new, but it seems utterly impossible. When people abuse me I get really dreamy.  I read Virgil in high school; I was thinking of 'post-Covid YAL' or so in which people are just on the run, harrowing themselves, not even nostalgic for Babylon or anything in it.  It is almost like 'the meaning of the soul.'  I realized that in addition to new churches and new government laws Covid will engender new birth-defects and there will have to be new medicine.  Japan is a country that I said bad things about especially when in Korea but she never did anything bad to me - I remember playing 'Final Fantasy' and thinking someone out there loves me; they made an investment in children worldwide.  The only thing is I'm too old for such adventures and I fall apart quickly. All these birds in Japan, colors of red - people get obsessed with the Otherness of Japan and want to abnegate Belial-like (a demon or fallen angel of sensualism, to my understanding).  

I took so many notes and voice-notes yesterday that I devoutly hope my visions will pass to someone.  The future is going to be so beautiful for somebody but I have lost so much faith in my ability to mitigate or restrain evil.  Those who I had thought were simply stupid but were diabolically opposed to my existence - whom I did not wish to understand and whom I had 'fancied' I could placate or appease through offerings - turned out to be radically evil, unconditionally evil.  I feel that my father (biological) would steal my soul if he could; would eat it in a way.  My mom is always sitting on the porch and gives a look of hope like I could change her mind but it'll never happen.  I want to kill myself; I think things worldwide will get worse before they get better; I don't trust Biden or anyone who says the right things without showing exactly what they are doing.  Christians seem so petty sometimes like melanin, hairy legs, in Japan this therefore that, Native American Indian manhood rituals.   I just want to know which pastor has the 'batting average' I can believe in but it has to be John MacArthur doesn't it?  

[rebelwith0utacause]

I need help with eating better/ healthier. I struggle so much! Especially with PCOS, I wanna do nothing but stress eat 😕 I did pretty good today with not eating out for once

This is gonna be a long one sorry :/

Tbh I eat like shit. I don’t have issues with eating out because that was never my thing, but I tend to stress eat a lot of sugar, like my comfort food are endless amounts of chocolate bars and coffee/cocoa loaded with sugar. And the issue with this is that it’s a vicious cycle (dare I say addiction?) of sugar highs and lows that require even more sugar. Not to mention that I don’t really eat fruit & veggies.

I’ve wanted to clean up my diet for a while now (mainly because of PCOS) because I’ve realized that it really affects my mental health as well. I won’t say that I wouldn’t mind getting slimmer, but basically a healthier body leads to a healthier mind, so that’s my priority. This is like really important whenever you start because you need to be in the right mindset and honest with yourself about why you’re doing things. If I said that it was only because of how I look and how others perceive me, than I’d achieve nothing (because I honestly don’t care), but if I told myself that it was because I actually wanna have normal periods after 10 years of not having regular flow/wondering what tf did I did wrong to deserve this, then I actually have a clear and strong goal ahead of me.

It all started right before NYE 2018 (?) where I stumbled upon a Buzzfeed video about PCOS. I don’t really care much about these videos tbh, but something made me see the whole thing. I took it with a grain of salt, mainly because I don’t think you need to get out of your way with pills/exotic food etc to get better. But there was one part where one of them said something along the lines of “you can’t expect your body to produce enough lining and shed it if you don’t have enough nutrients in you” (don’t take my word on it, I only watched it once but it started a long process of realization). So basically there I was, stressing out about work and eating straight up sugar, no nutritional value whatsoever, just enough to help me fuel my body, wishing I could finally get my period. It’s been 3 months without one by that point.

Needless to say, 2018 came and passed, I didn’t do much, just let that info stew in my head. I stumbled upon 2 other videos about food intake and Native American diet, which further shed light on how my body processes food and how genes could have a lot to do with how my body processes certain foods. So that’s the most important part, educating yourself about how food works. I’m a major sucker for biology, so I realized that this was very important to me, to explain to myself and rationalize why I should eat sth and not eat another thing.

Late last summer was a weird time for me. Work was kicking my butt and my mental state was a mess because of it. I’d resort to sugar for literally anything, and when even that didn’t help, I reached out to cigarettes again (I’ve been clean for 3.5 years by then). My body desperately needed a change, and it wasn’t only about PCOS this time. Once again, I stumbled upon a video about some homesteaders starting up a diet (which for the life of me I can’t remember the name of) to “cleanse” their bodies from shitty food. Of course, I scoffed at this and to this day I think that that was a load of shit. What’s the point of doing something short term when you know you’re gonna be back on your bullshit in a month?

But it got me thinking; I have a lot of allergies and the reason why I don’t eat too many fruits and veggies is because I have mild allergic reactions to them. I’ve had the thought that maybe some of those reactions were due to the combo of the vegetable + food preservatives in other items, it’s happened in the past, so there was a chance. The thing about oral allergy syndrome is that you don't actually have a food allergy, but your body confuses the proteins (?) in some of those foods (especially when it’s picking season) as allergens of something you already have an allergy on because of their chemical structure and triggers a reaction. For example, I’m extremely allergic to birch, and (according to my doctor) my brain confuses nuts, tomatoes and onions as allergens, making my windpipe feel as if it’s closing up. Now I don’t know the science behind this, but eating tomatoes + pâté, or sometimes even those chocolate bars I’ve been having triggers the same reaction.

The culmination of 2 years of thinking about this, made me decide to eliminate anything that might be considered an allergen or a trigger for a month, and then slowly add them back into my life, one by one, so I can finally find out what works for me and what doesn’t. I quit sugar (all sorts, processed, honey, honey substitutes and sugar substitutes, I only allowed myself fruit), gluten (because I’ve read so many stories about PCOS and gluten being worst enemies so why the hell not), lactose (same as gluten), nuts (except cashews because I know that they don’t cause a reaction for me) and all processed foods (so no spreads, no ketchup & mayo, none of that vegan/vegetarian food because in most cases it had gluten, no chocolate). 

I thought it would be so hard, because what will I do without sugar?? Turns out I really shouldn’t have worried. 2 days into eating greens and lean meat, a handful of roasted cashews along with a glass of OJ and a couple of apples, I got my first proper period after 4 months. 25 days later - same, 28, then 30, then, 31 days later too. I had completely reset my metabolism. 

I thought I wouldn’t have energy, but it turns out, my caloric intake was below the line, and instead of storing all of those calories in the form of fat for the off chance I might need them, as it always does whenever you start eating less than normal, it actually turned towards the fat storage in my body and used it up. The difference is that in the first case, your body eats up muscle to get energy, and in the second it uses the fat. Fat is basically energy, so you can see why I was no longer feeling lethargic or why I could actually have the brain capacity to perform daily tasks. 

After about a month and a half, I started reintroducing foods in my diet (because no matter how great I felt, I knew that I had a goal), basically telling me everything I already thought was true. Gluten & lactose are a no-no for PCOS, sugar should be out of the question, and processed food needs to be taken in small quantities.

If there’s anything you take away from my experience, I’d say that you should educate yourself on food and why we need it and what it does to our body. Once you see it from that perspective, it might help you make better food decisions. But don’t start before you’re mentally ready for it. Also, try to find a solution that works for you (I can’t stress enough how what works for me or someone else might not work for you, don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t), take everything you read/hear with a grain of salt, be a curious skeptic and whenever you have even the smallest indication that what you’re doing isn’t right, stop it altogether. The scale tips both ways and it’s so easy to go from one extreme to the other. Work with what you have, you don’t need to spend money on organic food or some exotic fruits or whatever. Get the cheapest fruits and veggies but make sure you reach for them instead of sweets and processed food. You don’t even have to make gourmet meals.  You’re gonna stumble a few times, but trying is better than not doing anything (when it comes to PCOS). Hope this helps in any way. Good luck 💜

[misterbitches]

unpop opinionz abt bl or just my opinions. that may or may not be popular. stream of consci. no one has to care or read. i will  do this whenever i like or when i am drunk and/ or high. like now. i do tharntype + sotus, uwma, lbc, and MODC...and long ass writing and spoilers so if u stumble it aint my problem

tharntype:

some user on here blocked me cos i said rape is bad*. and it is. and it’s stupid. and not done right it has no place in these writers, who really cannot write, or producers hands. it’s easy for people to judge it because it allows itself to be judged. and bl doesn’t fix its own issues. it just keeps perpetuating. when you gain an ounce of respect for women mayhaps that will change and we fuck up all that misogynist shit in our brains (FREE YR MIND)

but anyways i skipped til like ep 6. i barely know what the storyline is and id ont care. it isnt that interesting. they’re not great actors but i like the look of that bigger one. together their chemistry is fun i wouldn’t say like....as deep as i would like but watching them is nice

(this is where the wife/husband thing is relevant. i watched 6 - 13 a lot. so the father saying “as long as you’re not the wife i’m ok with ur HOMOSEXUAL rship then” but it turns out his son was the “wife” and guess what? that’s gross. if you can’t write female characters then leave us out of it.)

anyway i can see why people didn’t watch it. i say skip everything and see how they are together. the skinnier one is not as good w like idk. being seductive? but he’s fun to watch lol. together they are nice. i really enjoyed watching their dynamic.

some of the kissing was a lot but not in a bad way. i think if they had a deeper connection i would feel it more. but i saw gifs of them and piqued my interest and i clicked(footnote 2)

 the actors as themselves and whatever their rship is fun to watch..i read some UNSAVORY things about one of the actors with another dude in another show but whatever.

hm what else....yea the show is ok. theyre not great actors. cute together. sometimes when they kiss there was way too much like breathing jesus christ shut up. they totally could have done some inverted tropes but they didnt bc why would they.

a...c? c-? i give it? maybe that. people who had some criticism for it were right (like me :P) idk why i got BLOCKED cos i was JUST SAYING. rape in a story for no reason or as a startoff for lust is ridiculous. disgusting. i wont ever shut up about it. it helps no one and doesn’t help the gay community (can go down a rabbit hole here, too)

C- (this is generous but D+ seemed kinda mean...)

sotus + sequel:

idk why but i’ve seen some things flaoting around about the light guy. idk if they are true or not. i did not like that. i saw this before i read those tho (abt him not being comfortable)

this is what im talking abt...and this is where gmmtv will fail. but most bls. they’re CLEARLY worth something. they make money. the actors are a draw for others. i am not a thai citizen nor a thai teen so but i am assuming many get popular. this is because there’s a formula that is almost always stuck to. i am guessing that the channel is a public broadcast (not an HBO type) so there has to be more censorship

i LOVE seeing what countries with less production $ or a more current industry, (like in SEA tho ppl hav ebeen making revolutionary art foreverrrrrr don tforget there’s more than dramas) create. there’s less money and stuff and maybe the editing isnt good or a certain way the drama is shown is very particular and not always appealing. i am nigerian, i respect that shit. nollywood is that shit too.

and as people ge tmore $ for prods or more public support they get better (i cannot emphasize how MUCH BETTER SOUND HAS GOTTEN FOR THAI SHOWS OMG dramas in general but)

so sotus kind of suffers from lower prod quality. but also the acting is bad. sorry it is. i like the darker guy (sorry im too lazy to google names but...singto? right? hes a good photographer) and he has gotten better or wil get better i think but. yea. terrible acting lol

also like...u can tell that other dude wasn’t totally comfortable or they just didnt know each other enough. i don’t know. it was very much two guys standing next to each other now like kiss once. the reluctance to show like affection even in private settings is BONKERS TO ME. literally it’s like these men have the most sterile rships and that is suchhhh an issue in BLs, particularly the thai i guess. 

tbh if the storyline was better and if they had more chemistry it would be better to me. i know ppl love it, i dont really get it lol...their kisses r ok...idk it’s like a waste of time. i’ve tried watching it like 1000000 times 

thats all i have for now 

*im oversimplfying. i think it was bc ppl were being harsh. but any excucses people want to use the fact is that....rape bad and that’s stupid ok. but it sucks cos i wanna rt their gifs sometimes but nope lMAO

i know im not wrong so...

lbc, uwma, modc: 

I LITERALLY CANNOT WATCH THESE ACTORS. I’M SORRY  I CANNOT. THEIR FACES MAKE ME FURIOUS OR THEIR ACTING. I DONT KNOW WHY. i am shocked i dont totally hate saint bc i abhorred the character in LBC and like. every ounce of it. i dont rly like taht small dude from uwma (the past s/l?) i just cant w his face, and modc...omfg....the guy was so fucking SICK LOOKING

this is where footnote 2 comes in: if i cannot handle ur fucking face i will hate the drama. the secondary char in tharntype like the highschooler? oh my god i wanted to die too but like. shit. i wouulda watched for teamwin but that was barely there. and i could not get through modc. the couple with the age gap is gross, and i lit cannt look at this hot-ass big guy making out with a stick that dies

i cant be the only one. i didn’t like uwma dude’s face in the other drama he was in either. i like him as a person. maybe if i could see him do something else. ...

oh this is also why the first 2 moons....i hated...pha’s....whole.....existence. his face, his attitude, fuck. maybe it’s the playing up the femininity part of someone but then having them being a fuckin doormat. sad cos in lbc and modc the main love interests i like. but they’re also stupid. and just. god. stupid fuckin rships.

too much emphasis is put on love as The Thing but they can’t even exhibit love the way they should. idk what im SAYING IT’S JUST WORDS

had sth else to jot down but i forgot i may update this and remind meself

[xayneyierz]

I just feel so. so. so. sad but pls don't read and get triggered I'm emotional and hormones are raging

I realise we all hate bullies when we become self-aware (mercy, or not, to those who don’t) but when you realise you’ve been that way yourself one way or another when you were young or even now either consciously or unconsciously, it makes you wonder if you could have done it differently and could you have.

So I’ll start with what sparked this crazy self-reflection. Came home late had nothing to do while waiting for my hair to dry and I went to flipboard. The first thing I saw was a headline that went something like this: “Vulnerable dad tortured and made to eat his own testicle before he died”.

I mean. WTF right. This sounds like something from a fked up video game or some war crime shit.

So I read it. Not sure if it’s fake cuz after I did I couldn’t bear to read more about it and somehow I just believe that there are people who are perfectly capable of this and have the gall to plead not guilty. And it wasn’t even like that guy did anything. At least from what I read.

And then I stumbled across this article about a youtube account that posts videos of the parents pranking their kids. Just that the pranks go way beyond what those “just for laughs, gags” do. Again I only watched a sort of reaction video where the guy spliced some of the worst moments. Basically the parents would pretend one of the kids did something bad by deliberately setting them up, and then angrily confront them in like typical angry hollering and cursing parent way.

For one, any parent that curses at their child deserves hell. I don’t need to explain it.

And then the child is seen to repeatedly deny it and then burst out crying. Or in other videos they would see the older kids physically rough housing with the younger one. And according to the reaction video guy it’s mostly the same boy being targeted. Anyway i couldn’t bear to watch any more of the videos to confirm wtv. Just those scenes were enough. Apparently they’re all taken down the channel cuz they lost custody of that child and he’s now with his biological mom or sth but yknow thank heavens. But I’m sure if I search hard enough there will be reuploads and reaction videos and whatnot.

But ok and today plus yesterday I was reading koe no katachi and I watched the movie today. Basically about a boy who bullied a deaf girl and then got bullied himself when everyone else then saw him as a bully even though everyone else were just passive or even minor active bullies.

Ok so this just made me so mad and made me think so hard. To be honest with myself, and I have been for a while now, I have bullied people before. My brothers mainly. And not the kind of sibling bullying and occasional physical fights. I mean they never got out of hand especially with my parents there even though I remember this particularly bad one between my bros but my parents were always there to mediate.

The one I remember and feel guilt and regret about is when I made my brother play with my friends and I when we were in after school care and I would have him chase us and we would pretend he had mad cow disease cuz he was known to have a bad temper then.

It was fun then. I felt like we were playing together. I didn’t think anything was wrong. Then he didn’t want to do it anymore. I can’t remember what happened but when I thought about this incident a decade later I realised what it was and how he might have felt. But then I simply did not feel that way. Waa it ignorance? Was it plain neglect? Or was it that I was not taught to feel for others? Or think about other people’s feelings? Or maybe not taught, but I simply did not have the empathy in me. I don’t know.

But one thing my parents did that I hope I won’t if I ever do procreate was cane me for supposed lack of responsibility over my brothers. Things they thought I should do, roles they thought I should assume because I was the oldest. Things my brothers did I was accountable for because I should have stopped them. I should have known better.

Well I didn’t. And I didn’t want that responsibility. I didn’t ask to be born first.

I actually think this is a reason I shy from responsibilities and leadership roles.

Even if my teachers think I’m responsible ha.ha.

Then in primary school I said stuff that were rather mean to two guys. I didn’t think before I talked and they sounded fine in my head but when it came out it was just all wrong. For one guy I just didn’t read the situation well and blabbed something insensitive. The other guy I was trying to say something encouraging and seem like I looked up to him but when it came out it just became mean and demeaning. My friends who were with me immediately told me that it was bad when we were out the classroom and when I looked back I realised how bad it sounded and how far off it was from what I meant. But who cares what I meant if I don’t bring it across. I thought about apologising and explaining myself but I never got the guts to so I still feel the guilt now and if the guy remembers he’ll think I’m a stuck up bitch for the rest of his life.

What I’m trying to say is, every time I read news or watch videos of bullying I always wish hell upon the bully. Especially when they’re just so exceptionally mean. But when I take a step back, like koe no katachi, what if the kid really has no idea? Taking a look at myself, I don’t consider myself a bully but I did actually bully people. My parents aren’t bad parents. I didn’t intend it. But I did bully people. And sometimes all we see is the terrible terrible consequence of bullying. And for some reason kids can be really really mean and unforgiving. We blame society, we blame their parents, we wish hell on them but what if they truly had no idea? No one told them? No one taught them?

Of course for kids who deliberately bully and know it’s wrong and shit really should go to hell especially if they never learn.

But koe no katachi is really special in the sense that we see that this boy really had no idea? In his childish mind he just saw things in black and white. It didn’t dawn on him till he became bullied. Until empathy was forced on him.

I’m not trying to sugarcoat the problem of bullying though, I’m just trying to see this from every possible side. Especially since I personally relate to this. All the episodes I recalled are my cringe moments. Moments I regret, I wish I could change. But if I were honest, I don’t think I could. Because when I was young we all knew bullying was bad. But the actual definition was iffy and you may think it’s ok but others may not. You may be able to take it but some other person may not.

I had a friend who would call me by my surname and I started calling her by hers after a while as payback but for some reason I added a “stupid” in front of it.

I thought it was ok cuz I didn’t mean it in its literal sense and I thought I was being affectionate. Until mutual friends told me it wasn’t very nice and I stopped.

I don’t think I was a very nice person. I probably am not one now. But I’ll only have my verdict once I gain more insight in the future and future me can analyse my current self like current self does with my past self.

We always have moments we want to change. If I had known - but I didn’t. If I could have phrased myself better - but my brain just chose to fart that day.

I’m just so angry cuz of this ignorance. The pain it causes people. And the pain it causes me now, knowing I caused pain in others.

Maybe the parents of those kids really thought they were just harmless pranks. Maybe they believe that it’s part of childhood to be deliberately induced to tears on a regular basis for laughs. Or be wrestled to tears and tell your parents you hate them for making you feel like this for a joke.

Ok sorry I really can’t sympathise with the parents I’m just so angry. The worst thing is that they probably get their positive reinforcement from the comments of people worldwide whom I hope never have children.

People just suck don’t they?

Contemplation about mankind just makes me so angry and sad I should have never started.

Any sane person who saw those clips of the boy crying would think it’s wrong. They tell him to take a joke. That he’s the only one in the household who can’t take a joke. Well if my parents screamed at me daily for something I never did until I cried or made my siblings beat me up for cheap laughs on youtube and then tell me while looking into my tearful eyes that it’s just a prank, I would never trust them again. And then some.

Call me sensitive or a prude or someone who can’t take a joke but even the Halloween prank where parents pretend or even actually finish their child’s candy and wait to see their child cry is just terrible imo.

Why would you want to see your kid cry?

Why would you want your kid to doubt your words?

Especially at that age when they think you’re absolute. That you’re the perfect being. Well of course you aren’t but why are you deliberately trying to show them that lying for the sake of laughs is ok. Especially at the age where they think that their candy, something that they can call their own, is probably their entire world. Even if you think they’re replaceable and cheap. I mean I know how it feels because I’ve been through that. When I look back I realise how insignificant it is. How replaceable candy is or anything else is. That it’s nothing to cry over. But then it meant the world. The kids might not remember it. But what if they do. What if they take away a lesson that you didn’t mean to teach. Maybe they’ll do it in school next time. Take away their classmates’ lunch because their parents did so and said it was a prank.

Ok slippery slope maybe but is it really?

Idk where this post is going anymore but I was just so overwhelmed. So sad. So angry.

I hate that I actually did those things. I wish I was more self-aware at an earlier age. But unlike koe no katachi I don’t have the guts to make it right. They probably don’t even remember but even if they do should i purposely bring it up and cause them more pain?

Thinking about this just brought me to justice. Is an eye for an eye really the best way to go? Every time I get overwhelmed and angry about a crime or a terrible incident a human being did to another human being, or even living thing, I would wish the same thing happened to them. Or worse.

But then a terrible thought came to me. And it just made me cry because those people have a family too. Those people have people that love them too. And if those people have truly felt remorse, punishing them will probably not ease their guilt (can you truly pay for your crimes? As if you’re buying something, can you really be free after?). The victim and their family may feel better (but will they really? Of course there’s the whole other purpose of preventing further incidents if punishment makes them learn or just makes it impossible for them to do it again) But what about the ‘criminal’s’ family…what about them? What about the hurt to them? Who’s going to take responsibility? The criminal? Who’s going to make them feel better? Do they deserve it?

I just…why can’t everyone be aware. Be more aware. Why can’t I be more aware. When will I stop hurting people unintentionally. Will I do it in the future because I fail to think ahead? To think about other people in that moment in time.

This is why I need to avoid such topics.

Why am I so emotional I think my period is coming.

Nothing good is gonna come from me being sad. And there’s nothing to cure ignorance in the world even with the Internet.

Sometimes I wish I can unread things.

Undo things.

But no matter how many times I do it. I know it’ll be the same. Because the decisions I made is just how my brain works. It’s just how I am. And I can’t change who I was in the past without losing who I am. Not that anyone can change the past. What I mean is that harping on the past won’t help. Learning from it is good but just harping is useless. And all I can do is live with the guilt and make myself better. Maybe when I get the guts I can set things straight but why dredge up old and painful memories? It’s not like it will lessen your guilt. Live with it it’s your punishment.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t apologize for what they did wrong though I mean I shouldn’t need to keep putting disclaimers if you actually understand what I’m trying to say.

Sigh.

Why did I do this. Idk I don’t think there’s enough beauty in this world to counter the ugliness.

Like the strange concept of if there’s good there has to be evil or vice versa.

What if there are no poles? Is it really that bad?

Why should people suffer so others can enjoy happiness.

If happiness cannot exist without suffering cuz there always has to be a counterbalance then…

I’m going into communism and total dictatorship haha and we all know how that turns out.

Sigh ok time to stop rant over.

[kipaparappa]

today, after long hours projects have finally been handed out to the lab

and something really sore starts to prey my chest. even now, it’s kinda hard to breathe. idk maybe i’m starting to develop a serious illness down here..

if so, please make it quick, dear God

lol.. starting, when everything is in the edge of their last days

yesterday, i stumbled upon unfinished projects. to be completely honest, i didn’t learn anything this whole semester. i got web, game, etc but came to understand nothing. even since that rejection email came to my inbox, every single aspects slowly went off, astray and broke into pieces. i thought i was strong enough to keep everything the way they are, but actually i was the one who has a weak mentality, to let them all go in an instant. i was really hurt, even now i still feel sad, the amount of sadness i had to bear was enormous, as i need to act alright in front of people because nobody would give a crap about what’s inside me.

i actually have always wanted to study about web more. i am fully aware its going to be so useful but i just don’t have a quite particular interest whenever i directly encountered with the actual thing.. it’s regretful and such a shame. now i am extremely embarrassed of even to my own shadow.

i spent about 3-4 days working on the project, hoping that someone/something good would happen. but it turned out to be nothing. it gotten worse yesterday as i had barely spent time to sleep and yesterday i got only like 1.5 hours to sleep. i spent all the days configuring this and that which resulted in nothing. i am extremely embarrassed of myself. seems like lately i had done things just to embarrass or crash away my self esteem inside of my own mind. i started to feel really really down lowest to the point of having a panic attack late to the the early morning. i forcefully woke my parents up through phone because i thought i might die right away. i sort of lost in arguing with my own mind, yeah i always have my mind fighting and pondering every second of the day, but then it caught me to my nerves and i couldn’t take it anymore. suddenly my chest felt like it’s being pulled inside, it was so aching that i almost threw up and lost my conscious. my mum tried to brush the pain away through phone but i just couldn’t. i just couldn’t control the pain. it swept away all of my confidence and trust. i currently can’t find any of their traces left within me..

well, the day before the panic attack, we had a presentation team task which he mumbled the other day about. without realizing, i was quite worried for him. that’s my biggest weakness, i am a worrisome person(?). lol i worry about everything like too much. so my mind always flew to him even more. i wondered what should i be to help him? am i even carrying my own weight (within the team) well? i literally couldn’t stop thinking about that. from there i started to lose my self like it’s a class for him to do the project like this, he’s just different from us (or maybe me) or i couldn’t help him with anything, am i just being a nuisance since all i could do is just writing my name on the project? all of the useless things but i couldn’t find the right thing to solve through all of those problems. and on the presentation day, i apologized to him sincerely but he seemed to take it lightly as a joke. maybe my face or gesture didn’t say it all but i am really sorry. how many times should i tell you that i am sorry for keeping you close to my mind and heart, and the most mortifying is that i can’t do any single thing to enlighten that weight on your shoulder. yes all i could do is just stare at you secretly.. please forgive this eyes, mind that couldn’t control or even find another useful thing to do for both of our sake!

his presence itself already become an intimidating thought in me. every time i see him with his lab mates, it just gives me some nerves to bear. like i am the most brainless thing ever alive and he doesn’t deserve to know a human being like me

well, i started to wonder if i could do anything i mean anything useful to myself. and it just weakened my mentality more and more. maybe this chest pain was caused of my mental health right now. even since all of the shitty things happened, i started to screw my own life slowly and its just killing me

a method to release the pain.. by sharing your story? so what is the main point of that? to make people aware that you are actually going through hardships so you’ll gain respect? or to gain respect by showing who you truly are, what you went through? what about if they don’t care or bother to listen? what if… you only made up those story so that people can pity you in a way you’ve always wanted?

before the panic attack, which kinda become a turning point, i was begging to every contact i had for collaborating projects with me. but they replied late. there was this girl which was my team mate last semester, i beg like a pig to her but she only said something like “oh no~~~~~~~~~ i am embarrassed~~~~~~~~~~” while i was kind of trading my whole life to get them. i somehow felt betrayed because she wasn’t willing to show me, you know just to show, her work. idk i always know something is off in her and now i do. now i know why do i get this uneasy feelings towards her in the last semester. now i know what is friend and not. the thing is not about the project, but how she failed to notice how much i needed her help back then. i wasn’t able to configure or even code anything because i was taken aback after that attack. i am once again embarrassed to my own self. i always scold myself inside my mind

do you even have something to keep that face up huh? you know, you’re the most useless human ever lived

what have you been doing, you could’ve mastered all of these and now what? you’re going to go after that australia excuse aren’t you?

what don’t bring up that ui thing again you aren’t a part of them anymore

so you regret it huh? why all you could do is being all sad or crying?!

are you even worthy to go? your brain is useless, your appearance.. don’t ever dare to talk about it

……….

…..

the next day, idgaf to whatever happens. but he sat beside me, on his usual seat, and it just hurt. silently hurt. i tried to go away as often as i could. i heard he said sth like (to another assistant) “be quick, i need to do another projects you losers! (jokingly)”. i just unconsciously hurt inside. i didn’t know what to feel but idk, after days passed by it just feels like a mistake. the whole thing happened inside my own mind, his name inside of my prayers, i was making a big big mistake and i just realized that the seconds he sat beside me.

maybe i was the fool one, maybe i could fall for anyone, see? just how miserable being someone like me.. i could fall for that assistant on the noon class we only got to see once per 2 weeks. or maybe the one who sat right there. i am being all weak and ah.. i don’t know how to express it.

 i gave up my feelings, i feel so stupid for ‘expressing’  my self through that social media we’re engaged in. changing to my photos, art, everything so that he might a little bit aware of my presence.. after realizing my own stupid attempts.. it was douche bag and trash. my own identity is the most precious entity of me. how dare i broke that law… 

now i started to regret and recalling my days in ui.. yesterday i visited my past campus and it felt really…. miserable? idk but what i know i miss them.

haha recalling. why did i give him that………. nvrmnd

ah, this post wasn’t supposed to be about him…