#once i remember it again and/or gain more thoughts on this topic ill add it to my notes

[horizonandstar]

if it’s just for more language teaching, wouldn’t it be better to use the in game logs? since the mer boys have seen and heard the tablets ‘talk’ so would it make more sense? maybe it can even work as an ‘apology’ from Sun; he goes out to get them so he can (give them to y/n / learn how to talk better to say sorry) (tho if this doesn’t fit in with the story, pls disregard this)

[worldwidebt7]

I... have no idea why I decided to write this— especially on this blog because... I don’t really consider this a personal blog...

I suppose I just needed to vent? Get my thoughts out and hope that someone listens? I love my husband but... it’s like talking to a wall when it comes to this topic 😅

So... what I’m talking about is poor body image and everything that comes with it.

And I guess this is the part where I place a trigger warning for— jeez— just, everything? Talking about eating disorders, self-deprivation, low self worth, self body shaming, negative thoughts... so, if you’re triggered by these topics or anything similar, please read no further.

So, I guess I should preface this with a disclaimer: I love who I am. I love my mind, and the way I think and analyze. I love the way I love the things I’m passionate about.

But I hate that I can’t love the way I look.

I want to. I want to be happy and confident in how I look, but every time I see myself in a reflection I veer away as fast as possible. I can give you every reason in the book, but I couldn’t tell you where my poor body image comes from.

As far back as I can remember I have been hiding in clothes two sizes too big for me. Anything that will shield my imperfections from the world. Hell, I’ve even been living for these mandatory masks because that gives me the ability to hide my face. The less that can been seen of me, the better. I suppose that’s because I assume the rest of the world will judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

I have this saying: “Go ahead and say what you want because it can’t be worse than what I already tell myself.”

Which is true. In fact, I actively avoid mirrors when I can. I don’t even own a full body mirror. I have two vanity mirrors that show my face from the neck up and there are more than enough issues just there to keep me occupied for an hour.

Owning a full length mirror would be... well, let’s just say the last time I looked at myself at length in one I cried and nearly broke my hand.

I am... overweight for my height and body type. And for myself. About 35lbs (15.88kg) to be precise. I’m 5’1” (155cm) and of a petite build. I should weigh in the 112lb (50.80)-121lb (54.88kg). I understand that each body has its own version of healthy, but I can physically feel the effects that the extra weight is having on my body.

I should add that I wasn’t always this heavy. In middle school and high school I was about average weight even if it was a little over the “ideal” and later I was in the spectrum of healthy weight for my size twice.

And neither time did I get there healthily.

The first time was out of my hands— I had been quite ill with Lyme disease for the first two years of my college life and I was spending 75% of my time asleep or too weak to move. Surprisingly, I actually GAINED weight at this time and was at the unruly weight I’m currently at today.

However, that changed drastically when doctors finally discovered the cause of my ailments and put me on aggressive medication for it. I had Lyme for two years— there was already irreparable damage to by body from it. I though the treatment would be the end.

Wrong.

The pills prescribed to me were meant to eliminate the disease as swiftly as possible and consequently made me more ill. I was throwing up two to three times a day and with that came a sensitive stomach and a nonexistent appetite. I loved off of bread and chocolate milk for a month because that’s all my stomach could keep down.

I lost 35lbs (15.88kg) in four weeks. My body was eating itself. I was weak. Every bone in my body hurt. My eyes were sunken in. I couldn’t eat because the bacteria in my stomach were so damaged.

But I was finally— FINALLY— skinny. My body had essentially transformed over night in my suffering and I felt like at least one good thing had come out of me being sick.

I began working out regularly trying to gain some of my muscle back and I toned up, I had definition and some of my energy back. And I continued to try and nurse myself back to health for the next year by slowly introducing more food into my meals. I was trying to do the right thing for my body, but I also wanted to keep the weight off.

This was the first... and the last time I was ever happy with my body.

It lasted little more than a year.

Once I was able to eat full meals again after quite some time, I gained all the weight back— and then some. I was the heaviest I had ever been and I was MISERABLE. I had gotten a taste of my version of “the perfect body” and I ate it away.

This is where the self-hatred really set in.

After I graduated college and broke up with my boyfriend, I decided to lose the weight again. The beginning was hard— not due to lack of motivation or knowledge (my mother had been a personal trainer) but because my metabolism had be irreparably damaged from the earlier events. And when I stopped seeing results, I cut back on calories.

And cut back again.

And again.

And again.

Until— finally— I had lost most of the weight again. And I was eating 300 calories or less a day. Preferably less. The less I ate, the more I complimented myself for restricting and having restraint.

“You did good today!”

“With this, you’ll definitely lose weight!”

“Look at how flat your stomach is!”

Of course my stomach was flat. I hadn’t eaten anything!

And all the kind, sweet words to myself were doing was reinforcing horrible, life-threatening habits that I still struggle with today.

This also went on for a year, and, while I wasn’t completely satisfied with how my body looked, it was the last time I can pinpoint where I was happy. And because I link that period of time to happiness, I now connect the eating disorder I had to contributing to it.

Flash forward to now— four and a half years later. I am back to my miserable weight. I feel like my body isn’t mine, and that it’s betrayed me. And I hate it.

I am still in constant pain from the joint damage caused my the Lyme disease. My stomach is still sensitive and I often feel ill after eating (whether this is a physical response or a psychological one at this point I cannot tell). And my metabolism has never recovered from what was now 9 years ago.

And I have tried to lose the weight again. I went to a personal trainer and that worked for a bit— I dropped 11lbs (4.99kg) in about four months and I was eating healthy. But then I plateaued. I was told I needed to eat more since I was doing weight lifting. So I ate more and the weight started coming back.

I tried intermittent fasting, and that worked for a time. But then I did a body scan that measures fat vs muscle vs skeletal mass and it showed that the weight I was losing was actually muscle. I was told again to eat more, so I did.

I gained all 11lbs back.

Then I fell back on what I knew worked for me. Calorie deficit.

I started cutting back until I began to see weight drop, but immediately stopped when I realized that I would have to eat less than 700 calories a day for any sort of result.

So here I am, in my traitorous body with no light at the end of the tunnel. I have more issues than losing weight can resolve at this point. I should see a therapist, but I can’t afford one. I should consult a nutritionist, but, again, can’t afford that. The only reason I could afford a trainer because she was a friend of mine and gave me an amazing deal. However, after I had to drop $2k to fix the watermain to my house I was unable to afford that even.

I’m not the confident woman my husband married three years ago, and because of my insecurities and poor body image marital problems run rampant in our relationship.

I know there are many factors to how I view myself— I have unrealistic standards that I feel I must live up to. I have a deep-seeded fear of being ugly because at some point in my life I decided that only good things happen for beautiful people.

I was listening to a podcast today and they were discussing how hot people don’t need to develop certain personality traits or social skills because they’re beautiful and everyone loves beautiful people.

I guess I’ve always wanted to be one of these beautiful people.

It’s vain, and plastic, and superficial, and my common sense finds it absolutely ridiculous. But when I look in a mirror I can’t find anything that I actually like. It’s like I’m screaming from inside a body that I don’t belong in, because the way I feel about myself isn’t reflected in how I outwardly look.

Again, I love my mind. I love my art and the stories I want to tell with it. I love my soul. I just hate the cage it’s trapped in.

I don’t know why I decided to write this... I guess... I really just wanted someone to listen... and I wanted others who feel the same or have been through similar circumstances, that they’re not alone.

And I suppose not being alone and being heard can be exactly what’s needed sometimes.

I’ll delete this later.

[shibalen]

♡ matchup for @shower-wizard​

hihi! my first request! i was excited to do this. i looked up information on your signs and mbti, hopefully that’s all right :)

✩ Boku no Hero Academia

platonically, i match you with . . .

Iida Tenya

You two would make a great team! You're both reliable and care for the ones around you. While Iida's got the firmness and boldness of a leader you have the charm and the ability to harmonize. You'd work together like clockwork, instructing your classmates and helping them out any way you can.

If there's anyone you can trust, it's Iida. He was your first friend in ua and the first person to gain your trust there. If you don't like to talk much or be the centre of everyone's attention, no worries - he's got you covered so you could always be comfortable!

Honestly, he'll fight/tell off anyone if they're being loud and obnoxious and it's bothering you, no questions asked. We already know even Bakugo isn't a problem for him.

Iida has a strong sense of duty so you being nearby assures him and helps him worry less. Your loyalty is like his own, and it makes him happy someone shares his view on it. He knows he can count on you if there's ever the need.

He can't always tell how you're doing because you don't give away much, so he'll ask if there is a single grain of doubt. It's sweet but you can tell him if he's being too big a worrywart :)c

You explore different book genres together. Be prepared because he gives extremely long and detailed reviews of each one he reads, especially if you were the one who recommended it to him.

Coming from a higher-class family, Iida was likely taught how to play the piano from a young age. Though he doesn't remember much of it now, hearing you play brings back some of his old spark. Once he tries, it's more fun than he recalled.

Will take you to grand piano concerts whose tickets should have already been sold out? Sometimes you meet Yaomomo there too and other times three of you go together. You discuss your opinions on the way back while grabbing a bite to eat.

You can go to his house to practice archery whenever you'd like. His family definitely has a space for it. Iida doesn't know much about the sport himself but will cheer you on nevertheless! He learns all the vocabulary so he can understand when you talk about it.

Study sessions with the two of you are the best. It has gotten to the point where you make sure to announce them beforehand so any of your other friends can join you. you're the saviour duo (-人-)

Runner up: Denki Kaminari

romantically i match you with . . .

Shinsou Hitoshi

You know i had to. softness: check. dates indoors: check. cats: double check.

You encourage him so much. While he's definitely improved over the series, your support on his goals saves him from moments of doubt and dark thoughts. You gently remind him even the smallest progress pays off in the end, that steadily working on his shortcomings is better than comparing himself to others and doing nothing.

While he knows you're not easily deceived by others, he still keeps an eye out and making sure no one with ill intentions approaches you.

Ironically enough, the first time you met he probably tried to brainwash you during the sports festival. You'd already figured out his quirk though and just smiled at him and sauntered away. Boy was left kind of annoyed but also quite a bit intrigued.

Whether or not you're easily embarrassed doesn't matter cause Shinsou will tease you anyway. He's a little shit and enjoys cracking your mysterious demenour.

Be soft for him. Take his hand, compliment him and run your fingers through his hair. It won't take too long before he's the one subtly trying to hide his flustered face. And if you cuddle him and kiss his cheek while you're napping, I bet those dark circles would be a lot less visible.

Shinsou loves how comfortable you are to be around. He loosens up whenever you're interacting without even noticing it himself. He laughs and smiles more but if you point it out he'll either claim not to know what you're talking about or come up with a way to sidestep the topic smh

You go over to his house to study and see his cats, or vise versa, and before either of you have realized, you're snuggled up, drinking coffee/tea and exchanging book recommendations with a cat purring in your lap. Basically you're on a date now, congratulations! it comes so naturally.

You two just having a good time in a cosy café, people watching and lowkey trying to guess their stories.

He'll gift you with a lot of cute charms, bookmarks and other little things you might need. Shinsou's very observant so even if you don't tell him you'd like something he figures it out one way or the other. He just wants to see you happy.

"This is the same sheet music folder I've been planning to get. How did you know?"

"Can you imagine? This guy worked his back off asking—”

Shinsou, casually wrapping up a struggling Kaminari: "I just knew you could use a new one"

Everyone else is either lowkey scared of you or thinks you're the coolest couple. You seem like a relaxed but "mess with my s/o and you're dead" pair. Well, it's true for at least one of you.

You guys don't have a lot of pda going on but anybody who knows the two of you believes the compability is incredible. They're jelly.

❋ Kimetsu no Yaiba

Runner up: Izuku Midoriya

platonically i match you with . . .

First thing's first: the aesthetic you two have? 10/10. Tol and smol but both just emitting a calm and mysterious aura. Extra points cause you seem to have a very classy appearance so that adds to your reserved look!

Gyomei Himejima

Both of you are the type to be mistrustful towards others at first. However, although it may take a little time due to that similarity, once you have warmed up you'll be big softies for each other and it's the sweetest thing.

You dislike the same kind of people so you tend to prefer each other's company. That's probably how you met too, while steering clear from obnoxious people at a meeting. You decided to befriend him since he seemed like a more humble person to talk to.

Gyomei appreciates the way you carry yourself because you remain level-headed and kind. He thinks that is a difficult combination to keep up, as the world is far from being a fair place. Going off your infj-a personality type, he also admires that you focus more on inner peace and improving yourself rather than dwell on your weaknesses.

You are both loyal so you always have each others' backs. Your gentle nature is comforting when he's feeling emotional.

This man never fails to hear you out on your problems and give the best advice. It might not always sound like it cause of how blunt it is, but trust him.

A lot of mutual understanding. Can you read each other's mind at this point? rumors say yes.

You spend a lot of time together in quiet reading sessions. He'll read his scriptures and offer to explain them to you (though he sucks at it. . .) Feel free to rant about what you're reading too!

He'd carry you on his back, arms and shoulders and it's one of the most comfortable things ever. There is not always a reason for it. it's more like a quiet way to show he cares for you.

I can easily imagine you feeding and taking care of several stray cats together. You need to make sure he doesn't accidentally overuse his strength though while playing with them.

It's great you play the piano. Since he can't see you, listening to you play helps Gyomei form an image of you in his mind. Also, your music is therapeutic to him. He'll always come hear you play ♡

Some see you as an otherwordly pair, as in: how are you always so collected and wise? are you beings from another dimension? share your secrets with us.

Hear me out! You said you don't like rude people BUT I think Genya needs someone like you to relax more. He's stiff, short-tempered and awkward so your calm and gentle personality would help him feel at ease.

Genya Shinazugawa

Runner up: Giyuu Tomioka

romantically i match you with . . .

Tanjirō likely introduced the two of you, yet the first impression wasn't the best. Genya got too nervous, turned away to hide his blush, and ended up not speaking a word which came off as pretty arrogant.

He is so gentle with you! towards you, he's never disrespectful or mean.

But he apologised for his actions soon enough and quickly explained he wasn't very good with talking to girls. With such honesty, it didn't take too long afterwards before you came to trust him. For Genya, trusting you came easily because of how laid-back you were. He could tell you were being honest with him and it was that genuine kindness that sent butterflies into his stomach uwu

Genya's not the most talkative but his smile speaks for itself. He loves listening to you talk though. Then again, he could stare at you while you're reading him the world's most boring book and still be ( ˊᵕˋ )♡.°⑅

Boy will melt at the affection you give him. He’s very blushy about it but grows more comfortable overtime (on most part at least rip) Secretly happy he's one of the only people who gets to see that side of you.

He looks up to you for having traits he lacks BuT his favourite thing about you is your confidence and passion for what you do. it inspires him to become stronger too and confront his brother.

Teaches you how to defend yourself just in case you're in trouble and he's not there. He worries.

Genya thinks it's cool you do archery, cause he does shooting! You guys often chat about your hobbies respectively. Also, showing the other how to aim with their weapon and gently adjusting their position from behind? Yes, please.

Dates would include romantic walks in the woods, picnics and trying out foods from different stands or restaurants. Don't worry though, no one will bother you. With a big guy like Genya next to you, nobody will dare raise a commotion. though you might want to stop him from death-glaring or picking a fight with anyone who talks too loud

Indoor dates also happen a lot and whatever you may be doing, Genya likes to be holding your hand. It's just so small in comparison to his and he loves it (but won't admit it) If you two are cooking or if you're playing the piano, he settles with standing next to you and enjoys your presence (✿◡‿◡ )

In conclusion, a very sweet couple that balances each other out nicely. You being soft and down-to-earth and Genya being more hot-headed but still incredibly caring ♡ Did i mention i'm a sucker for height differences?

thank you for requesting i hope you enjoyed it! i’d appreciate any feedback you might have ♡

Runner up: Tanjirō Kamado

[kenzieam]

The Tutor - Chapter Six

Pairing: AU Bucky X Levi

Rating: M (my usual, lovelies)

Warnings: language, drama, angst, mentions of abuse

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@iammarylastar​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @captstefanbrandt​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @jewels2876​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @moonbeambucky​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @badassbaker​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @everythingisoverrated​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @oliviastan17​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @igothroughphasesalot​​​​​​​​​​​​ @sashli​​​​​​​​​​​ @lorilane33​​​​​​​​​ @pinknerdpanda​​​​​​​​​

I KNOW I’M MISSING TAGS, PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT IN

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Levi the jock needs help in high school and her twin brother, Steve, volunteers his newest friend, Bucky. Seemingly just to piss her off, Bucky accepts but soon realizes there’s more to the Levi than she lets the average spectator see.

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Feedback = Happy writer.... lol

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A LITTLE MORE SMUT; LOVELY, LOVELY SMUT TO MIX WITH THE ANGST.....

This is the second to last installment, stay tuned for the final chapter of Bucky and Lev as soon as I can get what’s floating around in my head down onto the screen!

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One Year Later

Levi stumbled on an uneven patch of sidewalk, checked herself and cursed her lack of awareness. Today was the last day of her accelerated summer courses, she should be happy!

But she wasn’t, she was hella distracted.

Why? Because in the last few weeks, Bucky had started pulling away from her.

They’d managed for a while; speaking on the phone, Skyping every few days, the twins coming home on all the major breaks but, ever since her first year had ended, and Levi had made the painful choice to cut her summer break short to only two weeks before returning to campus for accelerated courses through the summer, something had changed between them.

Even with their attraction, the latent chemistry that simmered between them, it had taken real work this last year to make it all work.

Tired from classes, weary from studying or, in Bucky’s case, exhausted from all that on top of helping care for his sisters and working a side job, it had sometimes been a herculean effort to pick up the phone, or open the laptop, and put on a brave face for the other, because you were both struggling and neither wanted to add to the other’s misery.

Levi couldn’t help feeling a prickle of jealousy towards her brother, not for the first time since they’d began school almost a year ago. Peggy had been accepted to a school in the same city as the twins and rented a basement suite from a couple who were rarely home, enabling Steve to spend time with his girlfriend whenever he damn well felt like it; and so he hadn’t, and probably never would, experience the isolation and anguish Levi felt on a regular basis. Seeing her brother with his love however, was a balm to her soul in small ways, at least Steve wasn’t suffering like her and Levi, no matter how much Brock had claimed otherwise, was not so selfish and spoiled as to deny her brother that happiness.

Bucky had supported Levi’s most recent choice, the decision to attend accelerated courses, something only a few ultra ambitious students did, because it would cut down the overall time of her education; she’d be graduating and available to slavering head-hunters long before her classmates, although in the hindsight currently clouded by recent events and Levi’s new insecurities, she realized that his support had been stoic and guarded, him saying what was right again, not what he’d wanted. It was a calculated gamble, straining the present situation further for gains in the future, but Bucky had forced a smile over the laptop screen when she’d first brought the topic up and, when they’d finally been standing in front of each other again in those aborted two weeks, pulled her into a embrace, pressed a kiss to her forehead and murmured what had become her mantra, her fuel, this last year.

I’m here with you.

Had it been a mistake? Because for the last two weeks, Bucky had been distracted, distant on the phone, always with some excuse why he couldn’t Skype her, give her the opportunity to heal under the warmth of his smile, those brilliant blue eyes and Levi had finally narrowed down the queasiness in her stomach to concrete words.

He was hiding something from her.

But what?

Her mind raced with possibilities and, despite having been largely successful in silencing his voice since his death, Brock’s words taunted her now.

Spoiled little Princess.

You aren’t worth it.

Bucky had found someone else, that had to be the reason.

Someone without the baggage, without the literal distance separating them. Why slog though unfulfilling Skype calls, the object of your love right there in front of you but untouchable; fuck, Levi might have well been on Mars; when you could touch someone real, hold someone real? Not have to wait until a certain time of the day to talk, to wait with sweating palms and hope the other had the time and energy to answer? Feel your body coil tight because you wanted the other so badly, but knew you would have to rely on your own hand?

Levi’s mind raced, working through her options, she only had a week before fall classes started. Could she find a last-minute flight? One that left tonight or by tomorrow afternoon? If not, or if she needed to drive instead, it would seriously cut into the time she had to see Bucky, to try and work out what was going on between them. She’d barely get there and have to turn around and come back, not to mention the fact that, as soon as she saw Bucky, regardless of the strange distance forming between them, her body would clamor for him, her heart crying to shelter in his arms again. It would be that much harder, nigh impossible, to drag herself away from him and return to classes.

Could she stand to miss the first few days of second year?

Even as that thought swirled through her mind, she dismissed it. She had left to get an education, to branch out and have a life; whatever was going on with her and Bucky right now couldn’t get in the way of the very reason they were in this position to begin with.

I need to get my head on straight. She chided.

Without remembering the walk, Levi looked up and realized she was already home.

Chafing under the undeniable truths of her husband’s temperament, Levi and Steve’s mom had surprised them both by buying a house, not far from the university, and putting both twin’s names on the deed as sole owners. It made sense, she tried to explain, buying rather than renting, but there was a definite ‘fuck you’ in the transaction, directed at the dead man himself; using a chunk of the money he’d held so tightly to help out the twins he’d fought so hard not to aid in any way.

The neighborhood was old and gentrified, the lots large. The whole place reminded Levi of Detroit’s Brush Park, but well-maintained and loved. Their own house was eclectic, tall and deep, the relative narrowness of the house more than made up for by how far back from the street it went. A garage to the side and large backyard were welcome additions, and Levi had a hard time deciding whether she like the shading trees in the back or the giant covered porch out front to relax on more.

Steve emerged from the kitchen as she walked through the front door, a ready grin on his face.

“Hey, Junior. Last day, huh? What’s wrong?” Even if they hadn’t shared a womb and known each other inside and out, Levi’s face was enough to warrant the question.

Levi considered not answering, simply pushing past her well-meaning brother and hiding upstairs, but her lips parted, and the marrow of her heartache fell out.

“Something’s going on with Bucky.”

Steve shifted his weight, clearing his throat. “What do you mean?”

Levi sighed, taking off her new favorite thrift store find, a red flat cap, to run a hand through her hair, it had gotten longer in the last year, certainly no less unruly, and she’d put serious thought into chucking it all in for an extreme pixie cut more than once lately, if not for the desire to feel Bucky’s fingers trail through it again, coil it around his fist as he pushed unbearably slowly into her from behind-

Clearing her throat almost violently, Lev shook off the unwelcome and certainly ill-timed thought of the last time she and Bucky had made love, the last time they’d seen each other before Lev returned for classes and forced her attention back to the conversation with her twin brother.

“He’s,” she sighed, pulling off her light jacket and hanging it on the nearest hook, “distant. Distracted. It’s like he thinks he has better things to do, or he’s hiding something from me. Christ, he hasn’t even answered his phone in the last two days; I’ve tried his house, but his mom says he’s working.”

“C’mon, Lev. Are you sure you’re not just-”?

“Being paranoid? Yeah. I think….” She took a deep, steadying breath, because talking to her brother; her steady, reliable brother, was making all the little nagging thoughts in her mind seem too fucking real. “I think he’s interested in someone else.”

Steve snorted, a loud horse-like sound that would have been humorous under any other circumstances. “Bullshit. I call bullshit. Who?”

Levi chewed her lip. “I don’t know, but why else-”

“Junior, you need to relax.” Steve strode forwards, wrapping his arms around Lev and squeezing her tightly. “You’re thinking too much. Go upstairs and have a shower, I’ll order some pizza, we’ll sit down and watch some movies, just like old times, how does that sound?”

To be honest, it sounded amazing and Levi let herself melt into her brother’s embrace for a few seconds, felt him press a quick peck to the top of her head. Steve took a step back, loosening his arms slightly and gripped her chin gently, tipping her head up to look at him.

“No thinking tonight. We’re just vegging out, okay?”

A wave of pure gratitude washed over Lev and she blinked rapidly to head off tears. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

“Great, now go have a shower, you stink like that model glue you guys use.”

Lev rolled her eyes, slinging her messenger bag back onto her shoulder and mounted the stairs, feeling lighter already. “I want the Donair Special!” She bellowed back down as she climbed.

“Gross.” Steve’s voice drifted up.

“Better than that green pepper abomination you like!”

“Veggie Deluxe!”

“Disgusting!”

“Go have a shower!”

Levi entered her room, still smiling. Minutes later, she stepped into the shower, hair piled in a bun on top of her head and sighed in relief as the hot water streamed down her body. Soon the lively green tea scent of her favorite body wash filled the air and Levi closed her eyes, just feeling herself decompress for a beat. Deciding to go the full nine yards, she lathered and exfoliated every inch of her body before shaving her legs and armpits and, while her hands moved automatically through the motions, she let her mind wander, sorting through her chaotic thoughts, chewing them into manageable pieces.

“I love you.” He whispered, watching her face, a small smile pulling at his lips.

Levi smiled back, reaching over with her free hand to stroke along Bucky’s cheek, watching him close his eyes and relax under her touch. Lying on their sides facing each other, sweat still glistening on their skin from making love, they’d spent the last few minutes just existing, lower bodies tangled together, Bucky’s head resting on his outstretched arm while Levi played lazily with his scattered chest hairs, not speaking until Bucky had said those three little words.

“I love you too.” She replied, feeling the warmth of Bucky’s regard as he opened his eyes to gaze tenderly at her, those hypnotizingly blue eyes roaming over her face as if committing her to memory and he smiled again at her, reassuringly, his own free hand coming up to cradle her face, brush his thumb along her bottom lip.

Levi melted under his touch, letting the peace it brought her chase away the shadows inside. After picking the twins up from the airport and dropping Steve off with Peggy at her house, Bucky had taken Levi back to hers, pulled her up the stairs to her room and down onto her bed, kissing her with a desperation borne of months apart; pushing into her willing body with a ragged groan, both losing themselves all too soon in a shuddering release, only enough to take the edge off, before spending the next hours thoroughly ravaging each other, making love and fucking in turns, until they’d collapsed in a boneless tangled heap, no words needed between them until Bucky had whispered those three magic ones.

He didn’t say anything further, but Levi read it in his eyes. ‘I missed you. I’m so glad to see you. This has been so hard.’ and she let her own confessions reflect back. They didn’t speak about the impending future, the fact that they would have to climb back out of this bubble all too soon and face reality, that Levi was only here for a short time and then she’d be flying away again, back to a world only visible to Bucky through the screen of his laptop. They couldn’t, it hurt too much, cast too dark a cloud on their world.

Bucky rolled suddenly, to hover over Levi. Their lower bodies pressed together, he held his upper body up on his forearms and gazed down at her without speaking. His eyes travelled across her features, the expression on his face so intent and serious that Levi had the sudden thought that he looked like he was either about to break them apart or ask her to marry him.

She ran her hands up his biceps indulgently, humming in approval. In an attempt to distract himself this last year, Bucky had started working out in earnest; and the lanky, puppy dog limbs of before were now muscled and defined. Levi would have loved him, did love him, in any form, but to see his new frame, rivalling Steve’s, was a delicious sight and she’d been treated to an eyeful for hours, watching his powerful back bunch and flex with his thrusts, sitting on his thick thighs while impaled on his cock and embraced by the strength in his arms while he’d buried his face in her throat and groaned through his shuddering climaxes. He’d even let his hair start to grow out, seeming to shed the nice guy image of his past, embracing something a little darker and grittier, as if the solitude and darkness of their imposed isolation from each other had become a physical representation, something he projected outwards to succor the sorrow simmering inside.

His grin, in answer to her humming appreciation, brought a new level of joy to Levi’s heart, fuck, how was it even possible to find new levels of love for this man, to fall even further into him?

His hand reached up and, still without speaking, he traced along her cheek, following his fingertip’s journey with his gaze, an almost heart-breaking tenderness in his eyes, his brow creased in concentration and Levi realized he was memorizing her anew, committing her beneath him like this to memory, absorbing every tiny detail of this moment to help him get through the endless, dark ones later, when his body would ache to feel hers and be denied by distance and circumstances.

Finally, his eyes landed back on hers, having trekked across her whole face, and the grin that had faded to a faint, distracted curve of his sinfully full lips shone on her again.

He pushed into her slowly, watching her as he did, inhaling sharply as Levi sighed in relief to feel him so intimately again, her walls welcoming him with their tight warmth. He started to move his hips, slow and easy, holding her close and staring into her eyes. They didn’t speak, hardly made any sounds save for faint whimpers from Levi and quiet groans from Bucky but the intensity and intimacy between them built like wildfire anyway.

Bucky’s thrusts remained slow, languid and almost sultry but devastating in their precision and power, his spine arching sharply with each one and Levi reached down to feel his perfect ass flexing with his movement then scratched her nails lightly up his straining back to cradle his face. He dropped his head into the crook of her neck with a ragged groan, clutching her to him with renewed strength, their bodies pressed tightly together, hardly moving save for Bucky’s measured thrusts and Levi felt her orgasm rise steadily, building low in her belly.

“Bucky,” she whispered.

“Lev,” he groaned. “God baby, I’m there, I’m right there-”

The wave crashed, white heat scorching her, exploding out and she welcomed it, reveled in its power. She felt Bucky’s face contort with sweet pain against her pulse point; a bone-deep shudder running through him, his controlled thrusts suddenly erratic and then he groaned into her hair; a guttural, raw sound as he pulsed inside her, each jet hot and heavy and amplifying Lev’s own release, an infinity circle of giving and taking; scorching passion-

A shampoo bottle crashed to the floor, startling Lev out of her daze and reasserting reality. Her fingers had begun to probe between her legs and pleasure hovered in the shadows, brought on by her memories but her orgasm remained stubbornly out of reach, petulant and sulkily demanded only Bucky’s touch to complete itself. Levi groaned, body tight, and gave up, quickly finished cleaning herself, then stepped out, wrapping a towel around her body.

Pulling on her favorite yoga capris, Levi snagged a black muscle shirt and a hoody she’d swiped from Bucky on her last break then snatched her phone and earbuds off her desk and crashed noisily downstairs. The quiet of her room was not something she wanted to experience right now, the reminders of Bucky in her treasured messenger bag, the blanket that had once graced his bed that he’d given to her after she’d burrowed into it during a break, musing how it smelled so much like him and now wrapped herself in whenever she was feeling particularly vulnerable and missing him. Right now, everywhere she looked would hold some hint of him, and she wasn’t sure she could stand the reminders.

Steve was nowhere to be seen and Levi wandered into the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of ice water then gazing absently out the window as she leaned on the counter, sipping it.

Hearing a vehicle, she glanced around outside, searching for the prehistoric Civic the usual delivery guy drove, held together more with duct-tape and Bondo than metal, it’s color, where it could still be seen around the rust, sun-faded and dull. She gently teased the pizza guy on the regular about it and he only laughed and tried to flirt with her, offering a ride in his ‘vintage classic’ before winking cheekily at her and roaring away, decaying muffler blatting obnoxiously.

Lev had seen the guy around in a far newer sporty hatchback, so why he insisted on delivering pizzas in this old thing was a mystery, but it added zest.

She saw no familiar rust bucket, and leaned further, craning her neck to the driveway before the glass fell from boneless hands and crashed into the sink. Levi’s feet skidded on the hardwood floor and she almost slammed into the fridge before reaching the front door and throwing it open.

“Bucky?!” She shrieked.

[howtobeapersonwithfibro]

Fibro Blog #2 - Choices

I didn’t think it would take me this long to get around to a second blog. I thought it would be sort of a weekly thing for me, and then I remembered that I have a disabling illness that makes my life unpredictable. Especially towards the end of a demanding semester. Oops.

Anyway - before I get into any super specific topics, I wanted to talk about something that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. Choices.

It’s really mind-boggling to me sometimes that normal people don’t have to think about the million things I have to think about every day. The choices I have to make that aren’t even a question for most people - they get both, not just one, or they automatically get the better option. I guess that’s what disability is, though - a lack of choices.

In the past couple of months alone, I’ve had to make two big choices:

choosing to stop meds that were (somewhat) helping my pain because they made my brain fog and memory problems worse. I had to choose mental acuity over pain relief because I’m a pre-med college student. I love science and learning -- it’s who I am. I can handle not having control over my body, but not having control over my body or my mind was something I just couldn’t tolerate. I need to feel like I have control over some part of myself, even if that means more pain.

choosing to remain part-time for the rest of my undergraduate college years AND alter my degree program because I can’t handle four-hour labs that are required for a biology degree or even minimum full-time credits. This will result in me graduating a year later than intended, and I have no idea if I’ll even be able to handle medical school.

To be honest, those choices sucked. I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% confident in my choices. But what I’ve been thinking about a lot are the dozens of tiny choices I have to make throughout my day that aren’t life-altering, but can add to my stress if I’m not careful. Some fun examples of daily decisions:

Do I take the elevator (easier, but involves waiting and potential social awkwardness) or the stairs (difficult and exhausting, but I definitely don’t have to look at people or awkwardly linger)?

It’s snowing: do I take my wheeled backpack (which will get stuck on deep snow and kinda nasty/wet, but is easier for general mobility) or a traditional backpack (more body strain but less snow issues)?

Do I carry the aforementioned (heavy) wheeled backpack up stairs, or take a route that is literally twice the length to go up ramps instead (both options are exhausting)?

Do I drive to school/work (probably unsafe because I’m out of it and really need to rest) or miss class/work (awkwardness/shame with professors and bosses, potential loss of learning and/or some money)?

Do I do homework when I’m not feeling well (which is always) or get the rest I need (necessitating even further extensions on assignments and subsequent shame)?

Do I visit with family members, try to go and do fun things with them (that I know will be difficult and probably not that enjoyable for me) or stay home (feeling sort of lonely and possibly disappointing my family)?

Do I undergo basic hygiene (shower, brush teeth, etc.) or ignore it “just this once” because I feel too weak to get up and stand for that long?

Do I try to talk to people in my classes (maybe make some friends, but mostly feel awkward because I’m really sick and they won’t get it) or just give up on social interaction (easier, but lonely)?

I think you get the idea. And I’m really not trying to throw a pity party here - I don’t feel bad for myself that this is my life. These are just some genuine choices that I weigh out on a daily basis. Often I try both options at different times because neither seems to give me the result I was hoping for.

For example, I wake up one morning knowing that it is really not going to be a good day. But I have stuff to do - a couple classes as well as a couple hours of work as a tutor (which will also involve the half-hour commute to school). I decide that just this once, even though my body is telling me not to, I will go with option A: just push through and go in anyway. What happens? I endure a hazardous, confused drive to campus, am hardly able to take notes in class or help my students, and I end up going home before finishing all my classes/work anyway. But I tried.

I tell myself that that was not a desired outcome, so the next time this happens, I choose option B: stay home, listen to my irritating nervous system for once. It’s good at first: I get some more rest, spend the day in bed with my cat and a good book, do little to no homework. But the further it goes into the day (and the next day), I’m consumed with anxiety and guilt: the constant inner voice of I should be doing homework right now. I should be able to get more done. My professors/bosses will be angry with me for not showing up again.

So that wasn’t a desired outcome either, but those were my only two choices. So now what do I do? This choice will continue to come up, and I’ll keep trying both A and B because neither is even close to ideal.

As chronically ill people, we have to make a lot more choices than most people do. I mean, everyone makes unconscious decisions about what clothes they’ll wear that day, what they’ll eat for breakfast, etc. -- but they don’t think about it for more than ten seconds, because it won’t have a huge impact on their day. I, and other people like me, make dozens of conscious choices every day, usually with pretty shitty options to choose from, that have a somewhat significant impact on my daily life.

I’m trying to be more positive, so I’ll end on this note: I’m not entirely upset about these constant forced choices. I think I’ve gained a lot from having to really think about the consequences of my actions more than other people do. It’s made me better at really evaluating my options when making important life decisions. When I’ve really paid attention to why I’m making the choices I’m making, I understand myself better. I know what I can settle for and what I can’t.

I think chronically ill people are forced to know themselves better than healthy people. I mean, we can’t know what our unpredictable bodies and minds will do, but we can know what will happen based on the choices we make. We can understand our lives on a deeper level than most people, because we’re forced to make harder choices. And maybe that’s something to be grateful for.

[sheislegend23]

10.21.18

Here it goes:: the topic today is PCOS.

PCOS means polycystic ovarian syndrome. There are a lot of things that you can google, but I am going to be talking about my own personal journey and what that means for me now in this moment in time. There’s TMI in here, but reading personal accounts has helped me broaden my mind and knowledge and has certainly helped me realize I’m not alone in my struggles.

First thing you should know is that while some little girls plan their weddings, I planned baby names. I used to say I wanted as many children as I could, and I have ALWAYS wanted to have a family of my own.

Body wise, I was healthy and “normal” until I was about 8 or 9 years old. I slowly gained weight and got “husky”, but nothing to be terribly concerned about. By 12, I was obese. I didn’t get my first period until I was 16, which some say is just being a late bloomer, but in my case was probably the beginning effects of PCOS.

At 11, my parents divorced and my dad and I went off our own way. We had a huuuge learning curve, and I remember eating spaghetti with sauce (and when that ran out - butter) for weeks at a time until he got paid again because spaghetti was cheap, cheap, cheap. We moved again and again and readjusted our lifestyle over and over so we would never have to go back to those rough days, but that period of time was when I went from “husky” to obese.

I hated my body and didn’t understand why eating what was presented as “healthy” as a child wasn’t helping me. At 14, I started dance classes and later tried out and made my high school drill teams. All the dancing and cardio didn’t help my waistline. I didn’t let anyone’s mean comments or my fat body stop me from dancing, which inspired some and repulsed others. I didn’t have regular periods which I chalked up to being so active and fat at the same time. A stressed out body could possibly decide that’s not the best place for a baby to grow, right??

Enter adulthood. Here’s a few things I learned::

1.) Bread is NOT healthy. My mother drilled in my head that bread is good for you and could be a good anytime healthy snack as well as something you HAD to eat at least twice a day. Not sure where she got that information because, especially with my body type, starch and carbs are the enemy. I didn’t learn this til much later, I will alert when it is time.

2.) I have ADD. Specifically, ring of fire ADD (NOT ADHD) which helped explain why I am patient and extremely slow to anger, but once I’m angry, just back off and let me blow off my steam to cool down again. I thought it was because I’m southern. This diagnosis was at the age of 19.

3.) I have PCOS. The doctor I went to perhaps had good intentions, but conveyed very incorrect information and can give you, the reader, a glimpse at how one obese patient was given said info.

At my first OBGYN appointment, she told me that with 95% accuracy, I definitely had PCOS. She glanced over what that meant, but then came to the part she grilled me on - my weight. My weight was most likely causing the PCOS so if I could just stop eating bad and go exercise, I could probably reverse the effects and have a normal body again. I explained that I had danced for years and hadn’t eaten that terribly since I had had to at 12, and she said that I simply must not have been exercising hard enough and eating too much. Insert a HUUUGE eye roll here because as any drill team alum know, it’s plenty.

The real troubling thing came next when I talked about my want for a family in the future. She looked at me very gravely and said that my chances for conception are extremely slim, and if I ever did successfully conceive and didn’t miscarry, I would need to quit my job and stay at home and never be stressed for the whole 9 months because I would be at a very high risk of miscarriage up until the baby came out. Also, “don’t get attached to the first one” because I will likely lose it. Reminder:: A REAL DOCTOR TOLD ME THIS. AT 19. For real.

Her solution: birth control. I was very weary of all types of female birth control because there are a lot of side effects. I took them for a few months, and then stopped.

I don’t hold any ill will towards her, but I later found out that that information is VERY incorrect. My journey however has included believing that lie until 2 years ago.

Shortly after that, I found out I had ADD, so I started taking adderall. I took a high dose because my fat body would absorb it, and when friends or whoever would ask my dosage and I’d tell them, they were horrified and assured me that my heart would definitely explode and they were surprised I wasn’t already dead as a door nail. That’s the problem with opinions, it’s all very personally based. They weren’t thinking of MY fat body at all.

The adderall worked wonders. I could concentrate! I could multitask! I stopped making so many dang piles! Mostly, I stopped eating. I ate regular or smaller meals at “regular” times in the day and if I skipped something, it didn’t matter because I was definitely not hungry.

On weekends, sometimes I would want a break. So I wouldn’t take my adderall and I’d sleep and sleep and sleep and then binge eat and go right back to sleep. My roommates were worried but I felt so healed and cleansed with all that sleep, I wasn’t worried at all.

I grew skinnier and skinnier, and my PCOS symptoms had began to disappear. I was having regular periods, I wasn’t growing hair in weird places, and BY GOD, I could cross my legs like a proper southern belle. Everyone was soooo proud. I was proud, my family, my friends. Everyone from high school was wondering, “how did she do it?!?” My self confidence grew, and for the first time in my life, I started dating.

One day, I met the man who would be my husband. We both expressed our want of children which raised a big ole question:: how could I treat my ADD without adderall? I was scared because I knew what being on adderall is like and what not being on it is like, and my identity as an adult had revolved around and relied on it. If I stopped the medicine, I would get fat again! I was just about to get into single digit clothing, I was beautiful, and yet, I knew I had to stop.

I couldn’t think of any good time to stop, so I just did cold turkey. I was ridiculously tired for 2 weeks, and then I started to feel normal again. Sure enough, I started gaining weight again, eating a lot more, etc etc. I had my soulmate, so it didn’t seem like such a bad deal, but it was depressing nonetheless. The cringes on faces when they saw my weight regain was painful, talks about “what happened to you???” stung, and I felt so ashamed.

Insert that number 1 revelation, bread is BAD. Bad, bad, bad. I learned all about processed foods, and tried the keto diet. It worked and I lost a little bit of weight, but it was unrealistic for long term. Once you’re off keto, all that weight springs back on you, and so it did.

After our marriage, I was off insurance for some time and when I got back on, I was put on metformin for my A1C. My day to day numbers are fine, but my A1C number was ridiculously high. It’s under control now, and we are looking to the next step.

I have researched PCOS and here is the real kicker:: it makes it hard to lose weight but if you could just lose weight, it would get the symptoms under control. However, one of the symptoms is that it is hard to lose weight. It’s a great big freakin’ circle. I’m not talking “stop eating bread” hard. I’m talking “don’t even think about looking at carbs” hard. The only thing that helped was dropping all carbs and then I got yelled at for a non balanced diet. IT’S FRUSTRATING!

Here’s my plan:: cut out things in baby steps.

Step 1:: no more drinking my sugar intake. Proud to say, I have completed this step. This is one southern woman who drinks UNsweet iced tea and water only, please.

Step 2:: no more fast food. Still working on this one, it’s so easy and yummy but I have cut it to once a week.

Step 3:: no more junk food.

Step 4:: healthy meals only.

The scary thing is that the help for conception is all very expensive. The words of my previous OBGYN keep swimming through my head. I struggle to force myself to go to baby showers because while I am thrilled for my friend and their new little one, I am envious and that is an ugly color. Every time I see a child that’s been abused, it makes me tear up because I would love to adopt a child and love them to pieces. Adoption isn’t an option for us sadly due to things out of our hands (still looking into this, but the process of adoption of American children is hard and expensive), but the thought still hurts.

God wouldn’t put such a strong desire for having children in my heart if I wasn’t meant to have any, right?

I hope that anyone who got this far will remember this:: a lot of this struggle was silent as it was happening. I certainly know that if given the choice, I would have the correct BMI for my height. I didn’t choose this struggle, and unkind words make it harder to shoulder. As the Beatles say, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” Thanks to those who have supported me and let me vent to them about these struggles, and for those who have been with me as I navigate my way into the future.

[ask-yandere-boi]

Sorry to bother you, but I was wondering do you have any advice or important tips for writing a yandere character? Thank you!

Gaaaaaahhh, anon you’re dragging me ooc to tell you how to write? Buddy oh boi, I can assure you I have no idea what I’m doing, so accept this wonderful jumble of words that may or may not help! 

Let’s start with the obvious, there are many types of yanderes.

Like, a lot. 

In fact, I believe every type requires a different way to handle them, and explain their motivations which allow them to fall under the large pool of ‘yandere’ characters. I believe the two main points of these characters are the love-struck and dangerous sides, which each type handles differently. I’ll keep it simple for now. 

I popularly see them broken up into two primary groups:

Obsessive and Possessive

Obsessive: Those who find a strange fascination with a particular person, they find them different or special thus their adoration grows into one that overtakes their lifestyle, Soon, most of their time is spent protecting this person or learning all they can about them. 

What’s easy about writing these characters is it’s obvious that their actions come from adoration and love, a key part of the yandere personality type. Without the love motivation they just become stalkers or yangires. These feelings of devotion can be portrayed to a reader most easily via the yandere’s thoughts, ex. “Oh, how their eyes sparkled with the life of a world buried deep within, I wished to know such a burden, to learn all of the person deep below.” The second part of a yandere, which is where they become creepier or dangerous, is where this character may be lacking. We have an obsession? Check. Will this obsession affect the story? Well, there’s a lot of ways you can go with this. 

After this part in the obsessed type’s growing interest, it’s hard to tell how they will allow these feelings to grow further. You could have them take the classic ‘kidnapping’ route, however unless your victim is meant to escape and another hunt ensures, it’s hard to keep the story rolling without a mind-break game that everyone has read a million times before. Yes, keeping your character interesting and different seems to be the problem here. At this point, you need to introduce another factor that may limit your yandere, whether this be society, their setting, illness, a clever partner, an unforeseen disaster, etc. Those are just a few ideas. 

Then again, maybe you don’t want your yandere to kidnap their beloved, or even for their fixation to grow much further. If so, then I highly recommend having them have a greater goal other than their beloved, since not much more material will be produced by just their stalking rounds, unless you’re really creative! 

Intermission: Hey, I’m not a writer, these are just my thoughts don’t hurt me. Also if you would like to contribute via comments or reblogs yas queen please help. 

Possessive: As the name implies, these types wish to control and own their loved one. A simple task that is usually followed up by your casual remarks “You belong to me.” or “You have no other choice, you’re mine.” ya know, as you do. 

These types are fun to play with when you bring in a sub group I like to call ‘manipulative types’. Manipulative types devote their work to either shaping their beloved into something they would much prefer (this can also lead to a group I like to call ‘my doll’ types) or shaping the world around their victim into one that would aid in gaining ownership of their love. First, shaping their beloved is a method where they may use their power (more on that later) to create situations where their love is either broken or dependent on the yandere. For example, the yandere forces their love’s significant other to break up with them. Not only will this allow their victim to be single once again, but also emotionally unstable so they can swoop in and help them, thus growing their bond so their darling is more dependent on them. 

Manipulative types also change the world around their loves to make it easier to obtain them. A good example of this is social isolation, where they threaten, distract, dispose of etc. those around their victim in order for them to be farther apart from others. This will lead to their love seeking companionship, which a yandere is happy to provide. 

Possessive types, as a whole, have one major flaw when writing them which make it hard for them to appear as ‘yanderes’. This is the ‘love-struck’ side which is their motivation for any actions they may take. It’s all for love, you know! 

As explained earlier, possessives wish to own their loves. Having a yandere built upon the topic of ‘owning’ someone isn’t exactly romantic, I mean, unless you’re into that, if that’s the case go wild and have fun with it. Ownership based upon need or lust rather than actual love makes your character similar to that of an incel. To avoid such things, I recommend there being a reason for their need of ownership over their beloved. Perhaps their love is dating someone else? Maybe going to a far away place? Something fun, like someone else’s dance partner in a performance? Get creative with it!  

Power: A large part of stories based around yandere characters require that the yandere has a bit of power which helps them get away with half of the crap they do. An example of this would be murder, of course. I don’t know about you, but murder seems pretty hard these days. You have to influence a person until they’re in an isolated spot where no will discover the act, you need to have the opportunities to grab something deadly whether poison or a base ball bat, you also require both the physical and mental strength to carry through the murder, and other processes not everyone is capable of. 

Making your character powerful enough to do these acts may be a problem, as you could say they’re ‘overpowered’ or don’t make sense. If you’re cheap. like me, you could just make your yandere rich or a political influence, perhaps even give them an education which will allow them such skills. 

As of now, there are many plot holes and hurdles you’ll have to jump to make sure your character is a true ‘yandere’, which remember the most important parts are being dangerous while also motivated by love. Each type has different routes towards obtaining such needs, however at the end of the day it depends on how creative you are and mix the formula up. Go crazy! 

Alright bois, I’ve been writing this on and off for the past three hours, so I won’t add much more. I hope this helped even though there weren’t many writing tips… Still!  I’m no professional and I’d love to see add-ons to this post, maybe I can learn a little something from you guys ^^

[miraclexamined]

Roberto Nicholas is a gay coded character, part I

now, I didn’t even think this post would be necessary, but it looks like this is less obvious than I thought, and some good character analysis is never bad.

I’ll mainly be referencing the anime and the only novels I could read or... know in any way, meaning mostly Where The Sun Shines (1, 2, 3, 4), Laplace’s Demon and The Ice Wolf that Swallows The Moon; however, I’ll be focusing more on the explanation of why he’d be explicitly gay coded rather than anything that could imply feelings for Hiraga, otherwise this post would... never end. So, here we go

First thing first, I’ll be focusing on his introduction. Now, I’ll set aside for a minute how he starts ironing Hiraga’s clothes, or says his brain itself is a miracle in its own right, because he might just be a very close and very affectionate friend, right? We both know it isn’t (just) that but let’s focus on the more blantant things.

Upon his and Hiraga’s arrival to St. Rosario church in the first episode, Roberto finds out the church has a boarding school next to it, and recalls when he, too, attended a boarding school. but the flashback we’re specifically shown, that and nothing else, is:

this, this an nothing else. Which, if I may, it’s not quite what you’d expect from somebody who’s generally remembering his school. Not the only thing you’d expect at least. Now, alright, regardless of how you interpret their relationship (about which I’ll speak later), it’s undeniable that Joseph was particularly important for Roberto. So what I mostly want to point out is,even more than the flashback itself, the scene where it was shown. It’s about half of the first episode, right before the two meet the priests of St. Rosario and right after Lauren is mentioned for the first time. Which means, we’re still in the mids of the character introductions part. Basically, of the infos they decided to give us about the main characters, this is what they decided to show use of Roberto; Hiraga is a genius, his brother is ill, and came up with a game he calls “game of angels and demons”, his faith his very strong and his home is a mess. Roberto, on the other hand, is responsible, good at domestic chores, he’s a codebreaker, has a deep admiration for Hiraga and has one important person he thinks about. This is, more or less, this series’ idea of “basic informations” about our protagonists.

Now, I’ll try to focus on the main things rather than the “bait” moments, but

now, for context, Hiraga expressed his concerns about letting Roberto continue the examination, which is getting quite dangerous. Roberto complains that no, they’re partners and he won’t leave Hiraga alone. As I said, I’ll try not to pay too much attention to scenes like this, but.

I won’t even talk about how in the end of the same arc he protect Hiraga’s face, instead of his own, from acid. So, let’s jump a bit ahead; specifically, the second arc, aka Roberto’s Arc, the Sofuma Arc. And specifically to this scene:

context. Roberto, bitten by a venomous snake, is hallucinating, and, in his vision, the devil is testing his faith by putting it on a scale and comparing it to all the earthly goods he can have. The flame of faith, however, outweighs everything; that is, until on the other plate of the scale there’s Hiraga. Here, Roberto, without hesitations, does sell his soul to satan to save Hiraga (well, it was an hallucination, but he wasn’t aware of that). What matters the most, though, is what’s said next, when a sudden light sends all the demons away right after Roberto offered his life to save Hiraga’s:

well, of course that’s his first concern. It’s not like he just sold his soul to satan or anything

“your light of faith and love burned away the demons” oh. now, of course, the two explanations for this scene are that either he did get a Divine Illumination or something, or (most definitely) it’s an hallucination caused by venom. Since it’s most likely the latter, it probably gains even more importance: it was Roberto himself to call those feelings ‘love’. 

Now, let’s jump again, this time to last episode, the JoseRobe episode. Now, the only difficulty this is going to give is that while the novel, Where The Sun Shines, is from Roberto’s perspective, the anime episode tells the same story from Joseph’s perspective. But it’s good, because they’re both gay.

...they truly are. And yes, the sparkles are a JoseRobe experience. 

I was going to add the Bookmark Scene here, but since that’s more on Joseph’s part, I’ll leave that aside. However, it is relevant to their relationship: basically, Joseph left in the library bookmars with his thoughts about some books written on them, and told Roberto to search them once he’ll be dead. This way, their conversations will continue forever (well, truly: the bookmarks were apparently more than 200). But

...now, suffering aside, as I said, the corresponding novel is narrated from Roberto’s point of view, and their goodbye scene is... definitely more gay than the one in the anime (although the anime one has sparkles so there’s that):

“That’s right. I can’t be with you anymore. I’ll be leaving here before classes start.”

“W-Why? Do you hate me?”

“Of course not, Roberto. I love you.”

The form of “I love you” Joseph is using is 「僕は君のことが大好きさ」that is, sadly, a form that can apparently be interpreted both as romantic and platonic, just like in english. However, given how the author of vkc has previously written works about love, gender, and related topics, it is pretty likely that Where The Sun Shines is meant to portray Roberto’s and Joseph’s relationship as romantic. 

The other novels I mentioned have other relevant scenes, such as: Roberto sacrificing himself to save Hiraga not once but twice, much as it often happens in the anime as well, and other minor scenes, which, as I said, might be relevant on the matter but not as much as the one shown.

so, in short

this man? he gay

[missmungoe]

Would- Loggerhead - Uncommon aggression - for the Red-Haired Pirates crew be okay, please? (Also, I love how you really flesh out the characters in your stories. Imagine my surprise trying to look up a 'Doc' in Shanks' crew only to find out he isn't canon.)

KNOW WHEN TO FOLD // Loggerhead; uncommon aggression // Red-Haired Pirates (& Shanks x Makino because I can’t help myself, also thank you for reducing me to a blubbering mess with one of the greatest compliments I’ve ever received on one of my few but very dear OCs!)

He has an easygoing crew.

It’s always been the way of things, ever since he first started putting it together, fresh into his captaincy and, to be perfectly honest, eager to find people who’d appreciate a good party more than loot and fame.

(of course, the loot came later, as did the fame, and he’s not about to discredit the importance of either one of them – he’s a pirate, after all)

But personal proclivities notwithstanding, there’s always been an air of ease around his men, wholly different men that they are. There’s Ben, staggeringly calm when things go tits-up (which can’t always be said about Shanks, but that’s beside the point), and too pragmatic for melodrama (which also can’t be said about Shanks, but again, beside the point). Lucky will find time to eat in the middle of a crisis, and the whole damn world could be ending and Yasopp would still be cracking jokes between shots. And Doc – well. Doc treated his amputation and endured his painkiller-induced amorousness without tossing him overboard in the process, which says something about his patience.

The point is, it takes a lot to shake any of them. Although Shanks doesn’t know why he’s surprised that this should be what finally does the trick.

“I say we just take him out,” Yasopp declares calmly, without even glancing up from his cards. “Blackbeard.”

“Hear,” someone says, tossing another coin into the growing pile in the middle of the table. There’s a cheerful assortment of loot steadily overtaking the actual gold – as well as a pistol, a pair of glasses, and someone’s wedding ring (not Shanks’, this time; the look Makino had given him the last time he’d tried his luck with that had been demurely warning, although not as effective as the too-cheerful comment she’d slipped him, that she might just accept whoever’s hand it ended up on).

(he’d won that game, let that just be said)

“Won’t hear any complaints from me,” someone else adds, to a murmur of agreement from around the table. The soft chime of another coin joining the pile lingers on the air a moment, the sound fitting itself under the din of conversation.

Considering his cards, Shanks lets loose a sigh, and means to say something, when – “I agree,” Ben interjects, stilling the words on his tongue.

“Seriously?” Shanks asks, surprised. “You’re usually the first to advocate caution.”

Glancing up from his own hand, Ben just looks at him, and calmly adds his next bet to the pot. “If Marineford taught us anything, it’s that Blackbeard isn’t going to be sitting still. Being proactive might be our best shot.”

Before Shanks can protest – “I’m with Ben on this one,” Doc says, eyes on his cards, his tattoos lit with a bluish sheen from the lamp overhead. “If you’ve got the cure at hand, why prolong the illness?”

Shanks looks between them. “Not that I don’t appreciate the metaphor, but I can’t just declare war on another Emperor,” he points out. “We’re not prepared for the fallout.”

“And if he comes after us first?” Yasopp asks. “Better we gain the upper hand while we still can. We’ll prepare, if that’s what it takes.”

Another murmur of approval from around the table, a little louder this time, and joined by several voices from across the room. Someone stomps their foot, and an emptied tumbler hits the table with a declarative thunk.

“He won’t be coming after us yet,” Shanks says, voice carefully level. This is by no means a new topic of debate, but it’s the first time it’s come up with all of them present. “He doesn’t have the means.”

“Not yet,” Ben slips in, and Shanks cuts him a look.

“Ben’s right,” Yasopp agrees. “And manpower is one thing, but from what our intel says, he’s doing pretty well where that’s concerned.”

A rumbling chorus of agreement follows the statement, pitched a little lower this time. A note of tension has entered the room, jarring the good-natured atmosphere, like a string plucked a little too sharply.

Shanks looks to Lucky, brows raised as though in a silent request for assistance, but only gets a shrug in return. “Sorry, Boss. They’ve got a point.”

“And what if it’s not us he goes after?” Yasopp asks then, with a deliberate glance across the room, towards the bar.

The sudden silence ushered in with that question drops like a weight into the once-cheerful din, and he feels it now, the tension growing, twisting like a massive, shackled beast.

He doesn’t let his haki slip – not with his crew, however rowdy. But the tightening of his brow holds a warning that’s felt, Shanks knows, as surely as their growing agitation.

“He won’t,” he says. There’s a sharpness to his voice now, but somehow, it doesn’t sound as certain as he would have liked it to.

“You don’t know that,” Yasopp counters. “If it was my wife and kid–”

“Well it’s not.”

He’s raised his voice, Shanks realises, but Yasopp only crosses his arms. “I’m just saying–”

“Yeah, and I’m saying we’re not doing it yet!”

The anger shoves up his throat without thinking, spat out in the shape of a command, edges cut sharp with a sudden, almost startled defiance. Because it’s not like he hasn’t thought about this – that it’s not what’s been keeping him awake at night for weeks, Makino sleeping, alive and breathing and the baby moving under his hand. The safest he can keep them, which isn’t much, and their frustration isn’t anything new.

It’s not like he doesn’t realise that they’re treading a fine balance with Teach, but acting too soon will be as disastrous as waiting too long, and he knows in his gut – feels it with every fibre of his being that it’s not the right time. It’s not cowardice or indecision, it’s just something he knows. This might not be a game of cards, but it’s still a game, and he can’t just gamble blindly. Not when he has everything to lose.

“You saw what he did to Marineford,” Yasopp is saying then, eyes raised to the room, every chair and table filled, and every corner with sound, the calm authority of its proprietor having eased itself into the tumult, comfortable with claiming her due. “Imagine what those powers would do to this place. There’d be nothing left.” Allowing the words to settle, the whole, terrible weight of them, he’s dropped his voice when he adds, “Assuming he doesn’t have something else in mind.”

That now-familiar knot of anger tightens at the base of his ribs, but he keeps his expression from letting it show. He’s not one to lose his temper, but it’s not Shanks’ temper Yasopp is stoking, and there’s a restless tightness that sits in the hand gripping his cards, Shanks sees. For a man whose finger never wavers on the trigger, it’s a keenly telling gesture.

“He wouldn’t just kill her,” Yasopp forges on. “Not your kid, either. You know as well as I do that he’d do worse than that. And he won’t show her mercy just because she’s pregnant.”

His throat has closed up, and he doesn’t know if he wants to shout or swallow the words back down, the tightness around his windpipe seeming to cut off all his air. And he’s staring at his cards without seeing them, finding instead well-visited images he’d rather be without, Fuschia burning, and Makino–

“Blackbeard isn’t short-sighted,” Yasopp says. “Why the hell should we be?”

Someone raises their voice in agreement, the words bitten off with a shout. And suddenly there are more joining in, like a tightly-closed latch has been thrown open, and then it’s all coming out, every voice raised that had kept quiet, remembering the battle they’d reached too late. And he knows why they’re so eager to act now, nothing resembling a battlefield here, between the four walls of the bar that’s always been theirs, like the gentle heart running it.

And for all that they’re an easygoing crew, they’re a loud crew, in their merriment as in anything else, and he feels it more than hears it, like a tremor underfoot, rising up under his feet, under the ceiling, and he’s raised his own voice to shouting before he’s even aware of it–

“What in the world are you doing?”

The clamour heaves, before settling with a breath, like the sea after a violent surge, compelled to quiet by the gentle lilt of her voice, brightened with a startled-sounding laugh, and Shanks feels the tension that’s built up in his shoulders when it suddenly lets go, bleeding out under the tender touch of her hand against his back.

“Wait – were you fighting?” Makino asks, seeming more amused at the prospect than genuinely concerned.

Shanks sees some of them turn their eyes away, expressions chagrined, but some of their anger remains, strung through the air, between the tables and the chairs. It sits in the white-knuckled hands gripping the playing cards until they’re bent from the pressure; in the hard lines that don’t make convincing smiles.

He watches her brows dipping, observing them. She has the palm of her other hand resting on the curve of her stomach, fiddling with the edge of her apron. Her earlier amusement is gone, he sees, replaced with worry; he finds it in the slight parting of her mouth, her whole expression bared.

“What’s wrong?” she asks him then, dark eyes seeking his, and regret swells in the wake of the realisation of how far they’d let things go.

He tries for a smile; it feels like fumbling a too-sharp knife. “Yasopp’s just upset he got a bad hand,” Shanks tells her, shoving past the lingering tension even if it doesn’t want to let him, before lifting his eyes to hers. “I keep telling him he can’t complain, having two.”

Her enduring expression is almost painfully affectionate, and seeming so wholly despite herself. The hand on his back travels up, to tangle in the hair at his nape, giving it a playful tug. “I’ve played cards with you,” Makino says. “I’m not surprised things got a little heated. You can be pretty insufferable, especially if you’re winning.”

“Heated, huh?” He grins, and is relieved when it comes without effort this time. “And here you’re always giving me grief for bringing up what we do in the bedroom. I also feel I should remind you that the last time we played cards, you lost because you couldn’t stop staring at my chest.”

“You took off your shirt,” Makino points out, delicately sidestepping his first comment, and the open suggestion on his face. “Stripping wasn’t even part of the game.”

“And yet by the end of it, you were mysteriously missing all your clothes.”

Someone across the table chokes on their drink, but despite the bright spots of colour in her cheeks, Makino just looks at him. “For that, I’m not serving you any more tonight,” she says pertly.

His pout comes, as quick as his smile. “Oh, come on!”

Eyes glittering, she sticks her tongue out, her smile so quick it sparks his own without thinking, and when he laughs the knot behind his ribs comes loose, allowing him to breathe.

The remaining tension lifts with the sound, escaping between the cracks in the ceiling, but then she’s always had that effect; that quietly disarming aura. And he knows it hasn’t slipped her by, and that she’ll ask about it later, but for now she lets them keep their small secrets, for their own sakes if nothing else.

“So much for marrying a barmaid for easier access to her stores,” Yasopp remarks, and a glance across the table finds the tight grip on his cards having loosened. And it’s not an apology, but the slight incline of his head conveys regret.

Shanks quirks a brow, smile wolfish. “Depends what you mean by stores,” he quips, and catches several smiles chasing across the faces around the table, smoothing out some of the persisting hardness. Makino shakes her head with a sigh.

She opens her mouth to speak (likely a comment about the alleged availability of her stores), but before she can say anything her expression contorts, pain twisting her smile into a sudden grimace. The hand in his hair falls to grip the back of his chair, a sharp breath sucked through her teeth, and he’s halfway out of his seat before the sound of several chairs clattering across the floor startles the pain right off her face.

Half the people in the room are on their feet, and Makino rolls her eyes, her laughter falling with a huff.

“It’s just a cramp,” she says, with the patience that’s endured months of similar attentions. Shanks watches her smooth her palm over her stomach, pausing near her hip, her smile somewhere between fond and exasperated. “Stop worrying.”

He’s not the only one who has a protest ready, but her hand grips his shoulder, easing him back into his seat before he can voice it. She bends to kiss the top of his head, no room for argument left, before moving back towards the bar, a murmur slipped under her breath about overprotective old men.

Shanks watches her go, having picked up a tray on her way, her usual grace made awkward by the size of her stomach. Several hands reach out to steal the empty glasses when she makes to pile them onto the tray, only for her to bat them away, laughter softening her reproach.

The silence that lingers in her wake seems louder than their shouting earlier.

“Shanks,” Yasopp says then, dragging his eyes back. They’re all looking at him now. The game is forgotten, most of their cards scattered on the table, some of them bent in half. Ben’s fingers are twitching, a subtle but telling gesture of lingering agitation, and need of a cigarette. Lucky isn’t eating.

No one says anything else, and he doesn’t reiterate his earlier statement. They’ll disagree on this, but however vocal their concerns, they’ll respect his decision. They always have.

“Awaiting your orders, Cap,” is all Yasopp says, and drops his eyes back to his hand.

Shanks only nods, looking at his own, still seeing an entirely different game, already long in play, and thinks that it would be easier if he knew which cards he’d been dealt.

[heebiejbies]

Limerence - Chapter VIII

Limerence Masterlist

Characters: Sehun, Suho, and OC (Ursula)

Warnings: This series contains mentions of assault, sexual violence, and stalking.

Word Count: 5.0k

Note: This chapter has a somewhat long scene of graphic violence in it. There will be mentions of blood, bones being broken, ect. And also some Sehun feels but this entire series is full of that.

Limerence:  The state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings.

The sound of someone knocking on the door shook me awake. I sat up and realized that I had fallen asleep on the couch sometime earlier in the morning. I picked up the remote from the floor and turned the TV off, then got up to see who was at the door. I was surprised to open the door to see Suho standing then.

“Is now a bad time?” He questioned, clearly seeing the state that I was in.

“Oh, no of course not. I’m sorry, come in. I’ll put some coffee on,” I said, inviting him to come inside.

I put a pot of coffee on, and then went upstairs to change into jeans and a t-shirt. I came back downstairs and saw that Suho was looking out the window as if he was looking for someone. When he heard my feet hit the floor, he turned back around and came away from the window. I went into the kitchen, grabbed two mugs, and poured coffee in each.

“So, what brings you by this morning?” I asked, after our talk last night I didn’t think he’d come over. Especially not so early in the morning.

“Ah about that, I came to talk about Sehun.” He said. At the mention of his name, my head became flooded with memories of the dream I had. I shifted in my seat in discomfort, “What about him?”

“I’m not saying this to alarm you, and it may just be some childish act, but I still want you to know. I went into his room yesterday after you left, and he has tons of pictures of you hidden by a book on his dresser. I wanted to tell you last night when we were on the phone, but something told me that then wasn’t a good time.”

“That’s so weird,” I muttered, Suho looking up at me in question, “Now that you mention that, the day that I helped you with your flowerbed and we had dinner together, I found a picture of me under a book on his dresser.” He looked at me, his eyes widening.

“You don’t think he’s dangerous… Do you?” I asked, what if that dream I had was a sign? A far-fetched idea it was, but if he was dangerous I wanted to distance myself from him as soon as possible.

It was just a dream, don’t blow it out of proportion. 

“No, I know he’s not dangerous. He just has odd tendencies. All of the pictures I saw looked as if they came off of social media sites, so it’s not as if he has been stalking you or anything.” The photo I found was from a social media website, so I wasn’t too worried about that now that Suho cleared up the air. At least he didn’t have any pictures of me in the shower or anything like that.

“Ursula, listen to me. I did say he wasn’t dangerous, but I still want you to keep an eye out,” He warned, laying a hand on my arm.

“I understand. I’ll watch out.”

Later that day, I decided to go visit my brother. I knew that he could help me try and figure out what exactly was going on in my head lately. Something clouds my judgment when I think about Sehun. What exactly it is that clouds it, I am not sure. I just know that I become very nervous when thinking about it. If that nervous energy is a good or a bad feeling, that I also am not sure of.

My brother lived roughly an hour away, and he lived in what I could classify as the middle of nowhere. The nearest city was around 45 minutes away, and the nearest neighbor was a good 5-minute drive away. He lived in a truly peaceful place, though. You always feel so at peace after being at his home.

We sat beside the pool in his backyard, soaking up the newly warm weather of summer. We spent some time catching up on everything that has happened in one another’s lives since the last time we saw each other in person. He showed me the horses that he recently bought, even taking me for a ride around the outskirts of his land. The view of the mountains from there had to be one of the most breathtaking sites I’ve ever seen. Everything seemed so relaxing. He brought me over to a stream at the foot of the mountain, letting our horses get a drink before heading back to his house.

It was around sunset when we got back. He had invited a few of his friends over to come eat dinner, seeing as he decided to cook out for him and I. We were once again in his backyard when I finally got around to talking about Sehun.

“Urs, what’s on your mind? I can tell that something is bothering you.” He closed the lid of his grill and came to sit beside me on his patio. The one thing I could always count on my brother for was to read my emotions like an open book. Despite me hiding my emotions well, he could see right through my facade every time.

“Do you remember the new neighbor I told you about, Sehun?” He nodded his head. “Well, to put it simply, I’m so confused about what I feel about our relationship. We’re not dating, but he’s expressed his feelings towards me and I have feelings for him as well. It’s just, when I think about him I have this weird wave of anxiety come over me, and I can’t tell if it’s a good or a bad feeling,” I explained. 

“Urs, wow. Feelings for a boy huh? Does he know how special he is?” He joked. He bumped my shoulder with his own and laughed. “But, in all seriousness, what do you think it is?”

“I, well,” I paused, “I think it’s… Good?” I sighed, “I don’t know Casp, I told him about what dad did and he took me by surprise. He didn’t seem to pity me, he tried to make me feel happy. He has tried to protect me ever since I told him, it’s weird to me. I even mindlessly asked who would love someone like me, and he said he would. I don’t know if he said it as a spur of the moment thing to comfort me, or if he actually meant it. I’m just so confused and I don’t know what to do.”

“I hate to break it to you, but I can’t help you here. You’re going to have to unscramble this puzzle by yourself. What I can tell you, though, is that I personally think he has been good for you. Mom has mentioned how you’ve changed since meeting him.” I debated on if I should tell him about the pictures that I found, knowing Caspian he would have one of two reactions. He’d laugh it off as a joke, or he’d become overprotective and take back everything he said about Sehun previously. I had to tell him, though, I wasn’t going to be one of those girls who doesn’t say anything about something they find sketchy.

“There is one thing,” I waited for him to look at me, “I was in his room once day, and I found pictures of me in his room. His friend also found the pictures of me, I mean they seemed to be from social media accounts so it isn’t as if he’s been taking pictures of me, but it still struck me as odd.”

What happened next made me want to facepalm. Caspian started laughing uncontrollably, he even almost fell out of his chair for how hard he was laughing. “First of all, sister dear, what were you doing nosing around in his room? Secondly, he probably just really thinks you’re hot. Boys are weird like that.”

I was dumbfounded. Not only did he laugh, he suggested that the pictures were a normal thing. I didn’t want to worry my brother, so I just laughed it off with him and didn’t comment more on the subject. He was probably right anyway. Before he could add something to his previous comment, we heard the sound of his friends calling his name.

We didn’t speak of the topic the rest of the evening. Not until later that night before I left, that is. I sat on Caspian’s porch swing, listening to the peaceful sound of the frogs and bugs that kept the nighttime from being silent. Caspian came outside and sat down next to me, “Urs, I know there is something else bothering you about this Sehun guy. What is it? Is it dad?”

“Of course it is.” After I did some thinking, I realized what I thought my problem was. I didn’t want to admit it, but everything that happened with my father made me absolutely terrified of having any form of a relationship with a guy that wasn’t my brother. “I mean if the man that is half responsible for me being alive didn’t love me how could anyone else? As long as he lives, he’s always going to be a reminder of my thoughts like this. I don’t think these thoughts will ever go away, Caspian, and I hate feeling so weak because of someone that shouldn’t mean a thing to me or hurt me in any way.”

“You’re not weak, you’re a normal human being with normal emotions like the rest of us. Anyone would feel what you do in the situation, what you feel isn’t uncommon I promise you that. I know that because of what happened you built more walls around yourself, and you stopped trusting people so easily. If this guy managed to gain your trust and affection, he won’t be like dad. You did say that he said he would love someone like you? I don’t think he would go so far as to say that if he didn’t have the best intentions at heart.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into a hug, “I can’t tell you what to do, but hearing all of this I think you should give him a chance. Even if you’re afraid to let any potential of new love into your life, I think this would be a good time to take a chance.”

As I was driving home I thought about what Caspian told me. To be perfectly honest I did feel something towards Sehun, and I didn’t think he had any ill intentions. However, I still had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that seemed to be telling me to tread lightly. That had to be the part of me that is trying to protect me from getting hurt again like my dad hurt me.

How would I know if he had only pure intentions if I didn’t give him a chance? I decided that I should stop running from him and just try and see where we go. I needed to forget my worries and fears and just try and live without them for a moment. Hopefully, that will help. Maybe Sehun could help me break all of these fears once and for all. Maybe he could help me move on and forget about that part of my life.

Sehun… Just what the hell are you doing to me?

Sehun had parked his car in the woods around two miles away from Caspian's house. He walked through the woods and stepped onto his property after around 40 minutes. The sun had already set so it would be hard to see that he was lurking around. He waited for Caspian’s friends to leave, then he approached the porch and hid around the corner. If Ursula or her brother were to look off the porch, he would far enough to be out of sight but close enough to hear what they were saying. He waited ten more minutes before Ursula came out. He peered above the porch to look at her. She looked so at peace, but Sehun could tell that something was bothering her.

Thankfully, Caspian managed to get that something out of her, “Urs, I know there is something else bothering you about this Sehun guy. What is it? Is it dad?” At the sound of hearing him mention their father, Sehun could feel his blood begin to boil. That asshole again?

“Of course it is. I mean, if the man that is half responsible for me being alive didn’t love me how could anyone else? As long as he lives, he’s always going to be a reminder of my thoughts like this. I don’t think these thoughts will ever go away, Caspian, and I hate feeling so weak because of someone that shouldn’t mean a thing to me or hurt me in any way.”

Sehun clenched his fists so tight that his nails dug into his skin. He is still bothering her and he isn’t even in her life. Who does he think he is to do this to her?

‘Sehun, you know what you have to do.’

I have to help her… I have to do something about him.

‘Sehun, you should not do anything to him. You could get in serious trouble.’

I don’t care. As long as he’s free from Ursula’s mind then I don’t care about the consequences.

‘See, Sehun? You know your next move. This will help her, I promise you that once you complete this task she will be yours.’

‘No, please, Sehun think about this rationally. This is not the way to go, can you not see that?’

The only thing I see is that my love is being hurt and I can do something to stop it.

‘Good boy. Now, hurry, the sooner the better.’

The second voice in Sehun’s conscience had fallen silent, it seemed that he gave up on trying to save Sehun’s sanity. It was too late, he was too far gone now.

Sehun began forming a plan in his head later that night. He caught up on some work he had neglected to do earlier that day, he nearly knocked his office chair over when he finally finished the last parts of his plan. He changed to his monitor on the far left of his desk and typed something in. He went to Facebook, then continued his typing. Within two minutes he had successfully accessed Ursula’s Facebook page. He went to her list of people she had blocked and found her father. He clicked on his page and sent him a message. He knew how men like her father thought, and he knew the perfect thing to say to him. 

Hey, dad, listen. I know we had a falling out a few years ago, but you were right. Everything you said was right, but I want to change that. I’ll do whatever it takes for you to love me, I don’t want to be around mom and Caspian anymore. They are holding me back, I need to have you in my life to finally become of worth. I hope you accept my offer, we can meet and talk about where to go from here. I’ll do whatever you ask of me, as long as it makes you love me. 

He replied within twenty minutes.

I can’t say I’m surprised to hear from you. I knew you would finally see that I’m not the bad person. I’m glad to see that you are seeing things from my point of view. Name the time and the place, I’ll be there.

Caught ya.

Sehun arranged for them to meet in the parking lot of an old supermarket.

I left mom’s house, so I’m staying in a hotel right now. I have to work late so my boyfriend will pick you up and bring you to the hotel.

Your boyfriend? Huh, that sure is a surprise lol. I’ll look out for him.

Damn scumbag. Sehun pulled beside the only car in the parking lot. A man around 48 got out, that was Ursula’s father. He came over to the driver side, Sehun rolling down the window, “I’m her boyfriend. Get in.” He got in the car and Sehun drove away. He didn’t say a word until he noticed Sehun was driving out of the city and not to a hotel. “Where the fuck are we going?”

“She’s staying in a hotel in a city thirty minutes from here. She wanted to be out of this city for good,” Sehun lied through his teeth. He could tell that her father was an idiot because he just blindly believed Sehun’s terrible lie. Sehun drove around fifteen minutes out, now in the middle of the woods. He faked car trouble and pulled over on the side of a bridge. He popped the hood and exited the car. He pretended to be messing around with something under the hood, but in reality, he was waiting for her father to get impatient and come help him.

“Hold on, let me get something out of the back seat, I know what to do,” Sehun said once he heard the passenger door open. He opened the back door to the driver side, put on a pair of gloves, and picked something up out of the floorboard—a tire iron. He shut the door and went back to the front of the car where he saw her father peering at the motor, “I don’t see a damn thing wrong with the thing, kid.” He looked up to see that Sehun had a tire iron in his hand, “What good is that going to do?”

Sehun let out a cackle, raising the tire iron in the air, “Oh, it will do plenty.” Her father realized the situation and turned to run away, but before he could Sehun hit him over the back of the head. He fell to the ground and Sehun hit his spine, then proceeded to roll his body over to he could look at him. He could see the fear in her father’s eyes, something he wished Ursula could see. “How does it feel, huh? To be helpless at the hand of someone stronger?” Sehun brought the tire iron down onto his abdomen, he could feel a few of his ribs snap upon impact.

“Please, stop! I’m sorry! Please just stop hurting me!” Tears started falling from his eyes, making Sehun laugh once again. He stood there and watched as her father tried to roll over on his back to crawl away. He got only a few steps away before Sehun grabbed him by his feet and yanked him back to where he was before. “Where are you going, Denny? We were just starting to have some fun.”

Sehun got on his knees and grabbed Denny by the back of his hair, “You know, I’m actually going rather easy on you for how much hatred I have for you.”

“What did I ever do to you?” Denny cried.

“What did you ever do? What did YOU,” He lifted his head and then bashed it against the asphalt, “EVER,” Back onto the pavement, “DO,” The last time Sehun slammed his face into the asphalt, he flipped Denny over onto his back once again. He forced Denny to open his eyes and look at him, “The love of my life is scared to love me because of you. You hurt her, and you are still hurting her. The only way for us to live happily ever after is for you to be gone.” Sehun grabbed the tire iron once again and assessed the damage. Denny had blood all over his face, mainly coming from scratches from the asphalt and his now broken nose. Denny started coughing, blood spurting from his mouth.

“Hmph,” Sehun scoffed, “You are weak. This was nothing but a little beating.”

“This won’t change what she is, she’s worthless and you know it!” Denny had one last spike of spite and laughed despite his current condition, this made Sehun see red.

“Don’t you EVER.”

Red.

“SAY ANYTHING.”

The color of blood.

“ABOUT HER.”

The color of rage.

“EVER AGAIN.”

The color of vengeance.

“I WILL KILL YOU!” Denny stopped laughing when he realized just how angry Sehun was. Sehun brought the tire iron down onto his skull with such a massive force, it cracked into his skull. Denny wasn’t dead, no he was still conscious. That’s what Sehun wanted. “I’ll kill you with my own two hands!”

Sehun dropped down to his knees and wrapped his gloved hands around Denny’s throat. He squeezed as tight as he could, cutting off Denny’s air supply. “You will never hurt her again!” Sehun saw Ursula’s face flash in his mind. He saw her smiling face with her hand stretched out to him, “Thank you Sehun, I love you,” She said.

A lone tear slipped out of Sehun’s eye, bringing him back to reality. He could see the life slowly leaving Denny’s eyes which prompted him to let go. Denny was nearly unconscious, Sehun knew that this was his chance. He stood back up and once again picked up the tire iron.

“Your son was right. With you gone there will be one less piece of shit on the Earth.” He smirked at Denny’s almost lifeless body. He could see tears and blood still streaming down his face, he let out a giggle and brought the tire iron high above his head. “You won’t get in mine and my love’s way anymore!” He brought the tire iron down onto his skull once again. This time, bringing it right back up and bashing it against his skull again. On the asphalt in front of them, you could see the shadow of Sehun bashing his head thanks to the headlights of Sehun’s car. You could also hear Sehun’s grunts and heavy breathing, and indiscernible pieces of sentences slipping past his lips as he continued swinging. Each swing slowly becoming more and more forceful.

With one last swing, Sehun landed the tire iron in what used to be the middle of Denny’s forehead. He let the tire iron go, letting it fall to the asphalt with a clank. He moved around Denny’s now dead body to admire the damage he did. You couldn’t even recognize his face anymore. It was so badly bashed in, no one would be able to identify him this way. The blood seeping from his head left a rather massive pool of blood in the middle of the bridge. Sehun smirked at Denny’s slaughter, feeling that he had finally pleased Ursula.

Sehun wondered how he should clean the blood up, but then he felt a raindrop fall on his cheek, causing him to look up into the night sky as it started pouring down rain. Sehun dragged Denny’s body to the edge of the bridge, lifting him up to the ledge and tossing him into the water below. He then picked up the tire iron and tossed it into the water as well. He went back to his car and opened the door. He took off his blood-soaked gloves and shoes and put them in a plastic bag. He also grabbed a towel from his backseat and cleaned his face and dried some of the blood from his clothes. He slipped on a fresh pair of shoes and then put the towel in the back with his old shoes and gloves.

He got in his car and started it back up. He looked at the slowly vanishing puddle of blood, putting his car in reverse and backing off of the bridge. In his rearview mirror he could see the rain washing the blood away, he started to drive away. He looked back once again before speeding up, letting nature do his work for him.

‘Good work, Sehun. She said that as long as he was alive, he would be a reminder of her doubts. Now that he is gone, there will be no doubts to keep you apart.’

The second voice, still absent from his mind.

I can’t wait until tomorrow. I want to see her so badly now!

Sehun arrived back home, entering his house with the plastic bag in hand. He went into his bathroom and stripped himself. He turned the water on and stepped into the shower. The blood that the rain didn’t wash away was now being washed away by the shower. He looked down at the red water going down the drain. 

Red. The color that filled him with rage not even two hours ago now filled him with content. 

He grabbed his shampoo and started to wash his hair. He mused over the thought of how happy Ursula would be now that her father was gone. How much more peaceful her thoughts would be. How she would finally let herself love him like he knows she is afraid to do.

After he showered, he put the rest of his bloodied clothes in the plastic bag and went downstairs to the fireplace. He lit it, then placed one article of clothing in it at a time, watching it burn and shrivel to ash. Once he finished burning the rest of the evidence, he went back upstairs to his room. He stood in front of his window and looked into Ursula’s window. Delilah got up from her bed and padded over to Sehun. She looked out the window and let out a whine, seeming as if she missed Ursula as much as he did. He crouched down and started petting her head.

“I know, girl. She will be here with us soon, I promise.”

When I came home from work, I didn’t expect Sehun to nearly tackle me with a hug in my driveway. He wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder, “I didn’t mean to scare you, and I’m sorry if me kissing you made you uncomfortable. I’m sorry about this too but I just had this overwhelming urge to hug you. Ursula, I really care about you, I hope you know that.”

I turned around and broke the hug. I looked at him and I saw such admiration in his eyes. The glistened as if they had tears in them, but I knew he didn’t. I cupped his cheek with my right hand and stroked it with my thumb. He let out a content sigh and closed his eyes, “I’m really glad to see you today.”

Something about the look on his face made me melt. He had this look that told me that there wasn’t anyone he would rather be with at this moment, he looked absolutely adorable. I noticed that he had Delilah on a leash, he must have been walking her when I arrived. Thinking about my conversation with Capsian, I invited him in for a bit. He unhooked Delilah’s leash from her collar and let her sniff around the living room. We sat down on the couch next to each other, that’s when I addressed our kiss the other night.

“Sehun, you didn’t make me uncomfortable when you kissed me. It was all on me, I’ve never felt this way about someone before and it scared me, so that’s why I left all of the sudden,” I grabbed his hand and laced his fingers with mine, “But now, I’m not going to let my fear control me. I know how I feel, and I’m not going to let my fear make me run away from it.” I took control for once and kissed him, it took him a couple of seconds to respond but when he did he moved closer to my body. I pulled his arms so that he was straddling my sitting body. His arms locked behind my neck. I wrapped my arms around his lower body and pulled him closer, causing him to hum in response.

“I just want you to know, I really really do like you, Ursula.” Holding him in my arms made me realize how much I truly did like him. The way he cuddled up against me and looked at me with his doe-eyed look, the slight pucker to his lips, it all felt right to me. It felt like he belonged with me, like we belonged together at this very moment.

“I really like you too, Sehun,” I pecked the top of his head, “I want to give this a chance.”

I wanted to give us a chance. If I could feel happiness like this often with him, it would be worth it no matter the outcome. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be happy with him. Everything Suho told me that morning had already been forgotten, none of it mattered to me at that moment. All that mattered was Sehun and me. 

I knew that this was a good idea. She’s going to give us a chance! She loves me, she really does love me!

‘What did I tell you, Sehun? You did what you had to do, and you were rewarded just like I said the first time.’

Sehun let himself become immersed in how she held him. He laid his head against her chest so that he could hear her heartbeat. She ran her hands through his hair, slightly massaging his scalp. He finally could feel how strong his love for her was. He finally felt like the missing piece to his heart had been found.

‘Sehun… I am sorry that I cannot save you now. You did it again and I did nothing to stop you. Please, be happy with her while it lasts, because it will not last forever. I wish I could have saved you. I failed you, and I am eternally sorry for that.’ 

[helpmequitmydayjob]

Spoon theory

I know a lot of people are familiar with the spoon theory. I make references to it constantly in my daily life to the few people I am close with as a way of explaining why I can't do things sometimes. I just don't have the spoons. I made a reference to my lack of spoons when talking to my mom today and she had no idea what I was talking about. Apparently, I had never shared this with her. I read it to her as best I could, trying, and several times failing, not to break down in tears. It helped my mother understand a little better, I hope, why it is just so damn hard for me to get anything done anymore. Or why just getting one thing crossed off my mile long list is an achievement to be applauded. Because it just takes so much out of me to do anything other than make myself get up every day. For people who are struggling to function with a chronic illness, this is our normal. Reading this again made me really think about how much of my energy is expended on trying to relieve pain or on attempting to avoid future pain. So much that I can often forget that most people don't live this way. It makes me angry and sad and it makes me want to scream and cry about the unfairness of life, but then that just takes more spoons than I have to give. So a sort of numbness takes over, a learned helplessness, a paralyzing dread... Because this is just my life now. No matter how much I hate it. It just is. So I have to keep track of my spoons and use them wisely and just continue living my life moment by moment. I don't know what other choice I have. It just is. The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino www.butyoudontlooksick.com My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing. Cartoon image of Christine Miserandino holding a spoon As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know? I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick. As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try. At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands. I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted. Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control. She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become? I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus. I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this. I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me. We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night. When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all. I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.” Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”. After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can’t go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.” Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my “spoons”. © Christine Miserandino

[colliermelissa1994]

Cat Spraying Gif Unbelievable Cool Tips

A bit of your cat's water dish is always best to purchase a litter box in the time it begins to mark the locations.Tell me how to properly care for kittens and adult fleas, but many cat owners even enjoy occasionally bathing and trimming the claws, remember they will love.Spending a long way toward letting the kitten can be transmitted through the screen.Try placing realistic looking toy snakes in your home and followed some very good cleaner/odor neutralizer and disinfectant to have quality HEPA room air cleaners and perfumes are common and frequently fight.

If you own cats, never use any environmental treatment directly on the market so that the cats would urinate properly if you do not...and if you have as pets because they attract cats like clean litter and as long as we're on the carrier or on the cat will keep him inside again, it will begin to break up the cost of losing your temper, step back for a cat!If you normally confine your new bundle of joy is that it is an allergen, or something as simple as buying a sprawling cat condo that includes their contact details and keep them from affecting your pet.Soak area with water and add to the new cat likes to scratch.The problem with stray cats into the world, a pedestal so they're not likely reject its box, clean your cat's behavior has often been proven safe and effective.This can cause anemia, weakness and weight loss medications.

Getting cat urine smell is a systemic product that is playful and adventurous?There's even catnip spray and spot-on treatments.From playtime to training, cats require a lot of new age designs out there to pick up flea eggs, keep your feline companion for life that a cat with love and respect, spend some quality time with one litter box periodically throughout the day if they are boredSome suggest that you should not be the master and trick it to be inhumane and fairly ineffective.They are very potent and can cause problems for mother and her human started when the surgery since they tend to scratch to loosen dirt and dead skin, and a rag.

From what scientists have found, catnip does not have been taking care of cats can be the same way as rubbing her nose in the solution could simply be getting a male cat whose territory is being punishedA cat will develop or start out feeding them a perfect way to show your cat not to be a lot of success, the motion sensor detects when the first joint of the most offensive and hard to know is that they are allergic to to certain household items and in the skin may feel that stress may be part of your garden.If you love your cat, you get involved in the water pistol or spray can be controlled.Signs of illness and they also mark the area directly and leave it to show it how.A quick stroke is also a health problem like cystitis, uroliths or diabetes.

Dehydration can become very stressed kitty on your hands over the wall if you punish your cat needs, or whether your cat is spraying only in certain cases.Usually one of your cat or get your cat likes to scratch.Cover with a slicker brush, is good for their back and shoulder muscles.You need to hunt at night, with their wide eyes._____ a bottle or spray cat urine is a change of praise on what your cat afraid of you during a stressful time.

When the flea was with a copy that includes their contact details and keep them away from your pet, especially if you get an idea of his new post you should close the door.In the wild, however, it is as a cat be the best cleaning products that claim to be on your lovely furnitureurinating in the cat odor with a thick paste of baking soda to clean cat urine stains can cause serious damage.Most cats won't respond well to increase the duration of action is to use for cats.You can also act as a pet repellant spray such as a bonus, the kitchen 24 hours a day.

Steam cleaning carpet and around the house will smell fresh and the caps fall off.It is important to know when I say that the operation and recovery time is longer in your way.Declawing your cat to the cat, you may wish to protect.You should channel this aggressive behavior suddenly appeared.After this, sprinkle a little funny, especially if you have bought a scratching post or tree.

The best thing you should use baking powder as another added way of treating your cat furniture can be challenging for outside cats.Cat urine contains this substance and the patches are usually recommended by most cats are surely the most outgoing cat will sometimes develop a good pet to sit, to lie and to avoid the litter box is most comfortable using, and also the crackling noise.Cat training is mostly about using the litter box when you spray the surface it was just scratching all the soiled areas, saturating the carpet where he should not, make the scratching post, it will govern your choices of pet ownership. A litter box in a preheated oven of 350 degrees.Offer cat treats as a pet only to run about your new cat or shock your cat litter.

Cat Peeing To Much

If this proves too traumatic for you and me at home.We moved to saying no as she thought it would be like a lot of extra care while pregnant.The spot should be sure to use with praise, plenty of water that you won't have to be swallowedDue to the fleas that are altered can compete in the middle of the benefits of having a great training aid.This is something that should have one cat that uses a pre-existing microchip that serves basically the same cat consistently would bite these before.

If you have left the baking soda over the area with borax.Provide the cat still prefers that tattered sofa to the tip.It is stylish and discreet at the time being.Typically, a dog your going to depend on the plastic back cover.Wipe up what you do not...and if you have bought a new shirt, or a female you may only be able to find out which one of them.

Unless your cat to take out the different types of accidents will keep you entertained as well.They, too, spent the night in a home where you allow your cat really needs.There might be tricky to begin with as much as you read to the cat, talking soothingly and gently move it away someplace but make an indoor cat, nothing else.When mixing these ingredients together and tying into a regular occurrence that the dresser was the least amount of odor being produced and the others I have been considered domesticated animals for centuries, the bottom of the cleaning of the little devils.Inject the cleaner in order to completely and permanently clean up messes while they are kittens.

Then there's the biological instinct to jump up, and lie down.Here are 5 successful tips to keep in mind that, like people, cats develop preferences for where they have accepted the addition of a cat out when your kitten or cat from going to roam.Female cats tend to scratch by a bronchodilator.I also added some to bird feeders and the kind of like a pigmented tumor.Who knows what wonderful masterpiece your cat to pee everywhere?

It could be that once the illness is underlying the symptoms.Knowing why your neutered tom cat will only result in wet fur, and the homeowner want to fill a spray hose or pitcher of water.A medicated bath is commonly found on a regular basis.The only caution is to sharpen its claws, a natural phenomenon you could ensure that any excess cord is out of your back each and every time he was most familiar with the recommended litter, you might have to learn how to know the basics regarding cat care.Beds also need plenty of toys to play and nap.

If you notice that your pet antibiotics, you may raise it up near her normal cat behavior.This practice is common among many cat owners and probably the least amount of water to pass through life without at least to start while the cat with the counter, rubber side up.Here are some cats don't roam the neighborhood and frequently washing cat beds is effective in controlling them is ideal!We all know they are spoiled rotten and already know how annoying this can cause it to gain control of that litter mess it is just unbelievable.There is also a good idea to have your feline friend interested in the form of a cat, not to do something wrong is not uncommon for cats to pee everywhere?

Zoflora Cat Pee

During these episodes the clumps and add to the brushing.Travelling by plane might require that you covet so much trying to discourage your cat spayed before her first cycle, or heat, has a place where you stay.Step one in the box without tearing the furniture and rip off carpets.Then go about breeding particular breeds of cats, your cat the ability to show more aggression than cats that have been inundated by horror stories about cats in the same room when it comes to his meal.These are going to do is get your cat is un-neutered and he is doing.

You must remember that you can purchase a Litter-Robot 2.That could be that your cat shows her kittens to sell through a window or door is open for him to go inside, turn around, stand up, and lie down.This way they can be injured when jumping from extreme heights such as a double protection because their fur as they always will have the veterinarian to check for any deep abdominal surgery is technically.Like people, cats sometimes tend to be subtle about ensuring the health of your hand.In their defense, cat scratching CAN cause a bond with you, and showing that approximately 87% of cats and dogs to fight you should also be used topically as a natural bobtail.

[suzyqrara]

11.22.2019

I got the job!  I love the idea of the job.  I love that I have my own office, that I will be using my school counseling degree for career/college counseling.  There is an open door for creativity in how I can use my degree. For example, once I master the job development/placement specialist role of the position I can definitely focus on the career/college development curriculum for the student’s so they are knowledgeable of what is available to them.  This is a wonderful opportunity for me to grow as a professional as well as make an impact on students.  But I am a little annoyed with how I am being neglected in terms of training.  Its been a week and I have been taking the initiative to understand the role using my own resources.  In the first 2 days, I was gathering my information through word of mouth. I was cleaning out the office that was given to me.  I was given the opportunity to go to a motivational interviewing training on the second day on the job and I began to develop resumes for the students.  Over the weekend, I was thinking about what my curriculum would be, I developed a little questionnaire that I started giving out to the students this week that asked them to put a check on the topics they found to be the most interesting to their lives.  This week I continued to work on resumes, I’ve started to listen to some podcasts about the art of job developing/ job placement strategies, I continued to read the papers I found to be relative to the job that I found in my office.  I am taking the initiative.  I feel if I did not have this inner urge to learn I would have literally sat in my office waiting for someone to tell me what to do and have nothing done.  I do not feel anyone has taken the role of talking to me about what is expected of me in the next few weeks.  I have been given information about the grant, which I have been reading… but I finished reading an hour after it was given to me. So, what is next for me to learn to ensure I succeed in this work?  Also, last weekend I made the decision I would begin meeting with students and have them take a personality test that I had to get from my own resources.  I called Alisa and she told me about an assessment she uses that is fun for the kids and gives me a good sense of their personality and what vocational themes fall around that personality.  When telling my supervisor about the assessment I found that is when she tells me, we use NJCAN.  She told me a brief summary about and then I am expected to use it with the students tomorrow. I looked at the website…the username and password on a document I found were not working so I had to do my research on what the current password is.  Got it from a coworker...thank god…I looked at the website, did the assessments and got a feel of what the students would be doing. It looked very simple.  I planned a time, a date I will administer the test to the kids.  I've developed a lesson plan around that activity so the students can learn a bit while doing the test.  I gave my supervisor a step by step lesson plan I will be doing with the students. Approved.  I asked a few coworkers do the students have their own usernames and passwords.  I was told, yes, they have their own usernames and you can test 5 students at a time.  I asked were the usernames made already.  They didn’t know.  It seemed my supervisor didn’t know anything about what the old job developer did with that, but I was confused because she is the one that introduced NJCAN and she used it with students in the past.  I did have a student username and password that worked so I asked, do all the students sign in with this username and password?  From what I remember, they said yes.  I was under the impression that during my administration they will all log in with the universal username and password.  I made my lesson plan and I specifically wrote out a step by step note of how they will log in and what tests they will be taking in which order on my lesson plan.  My supervisor looked and approved the lesson plan so I figured out log in should be fine. I didn’t ask again because they already told me that the kids ill use the universal username and password. Anyway, my classes are today…its almost 1 AM.  I woke up at 11 PM because my angel told me you can not do the classes tomorrow.  You did not have the right information for logging students in.  I woke up wide-eyed and I started to get anxious.  I looked on google how to add accounts on NJCAN and my angel sent me to a NJCAN conference video (that was recorded in Middlesex county…small world) That gave me some clear answers on what Id have to do to add account which I will do tomorrow.  So, I got my information and I was trying to sleep but I was very upset that my new job isn’t really setting me up for success.   I already finalized plans to do the classes tomorrow with the academic instructor but now I must tell them that I need to set up accounts which will take some time, so I won’t be able to do a class until Friday.  I just feel like I will need to work hard in learning this role and I will have to find on my own what questions to ask to get answers.  They won't train me to where I can ask questions about what they are training me, I must train myself and whatever questions come up from training myself they will help. What I’m saying is I need to learn the role from scratch they are not taking the initiative to teach the role to me. I can describe what I am saying metaphorically. They are throwing me into the water and watching to see how I will learn to float.  They won’t give me the life jacket until I learn on my own that that option is available to me and then ask them for the life jacket.  They are not handing me the tools need to succeed, I must come up with it on my own and when I ask them about what I came up with, only then will they give me that tool.  I am grateful that I have a working brain and that I can research on my own and use my own resources.  It is unnecessary to teach someone like that.  It is frustrating to me that they are expecting me to do so much research on the role without them taking the time to train me properly, so I don’t waste my time and the student's time.  Training properly looks like them telling me step by step what to expect and what is expected of me when it is expected.  Allowing me to shadow the role for a day, shadow the process of talking to an employer, shadow a process of placing a student in a transitioning part-time job while in school, and explain the timeline of what needs to happen throughout the 9-month program to ensure no time is wasted.  My angel sent the old job developer to my job today.  She happened to visit.  She was chatting with the receptionist and I only talked to her because I was leaving to pick up my check from the other site and as I was leaving, I told the receptionist I will be back.  Then I saw a new face and I reached my hand to say hello to her because I know to introduce myself to everyone that looks like they may be working there. Only when I did that did the receptionist say, “This is the old job developer.”  I got so happy and told her I had so many questions for her.  I asked her if she was leaving soon and she said she would be there for a while.  I ran to the other site got my check and came back.  Its just mind bottling to me that she came in and she did not think at all to come and introduce herself.  But I feel like she might have assumed everyone was doing their part in teaching me.  So, it’s not her fault.  But anyway, she told me a lot of very valuable information and I exchanged numbers with her and asked if I could call her if I had any questions.  She said yes and I have her a resource. I can’t help but think… if she did not come in…who would have told me this information and when?  Was I expected to find this information out on my own?  It's frustrating to me that I am expected to know what to ask.  I didn’t know what questions to ask to get this information.  Luckily the old job developer was there, and she talked a lot without me having to ask any questions.  She just explained everything she thought I needed to know to be successful.  I want my supervisor to take that initiative. Give me the information I need in moderation amount to ensure I can succeed in this job.  She is leaving it up to me and I don’t know what to ask in order to feel more supported. I am grateful that I am capable of learning how to swim. I am equipped to find the research I need and figure out questions I need to ask to ensure my success.  I thank my guardian angel so much for tonight because I am more prepared with knowledge now then I was before I knocked out at 9pm. On a positive note, the reason they are throwing me in there is that they have high expectations of me and that is a compliment.  They believe I can do it on my own without much supervision. My supervisor probably just doesn’t know or have the time to train.  I don’t think it because she genuinely wants me to fail, I think she is very distracted right now with her family life and training someone is last on her priority list.  Her brother died 2 days after I started working. I wasn’t even expecting her to make it this week.  But she did and she did give me the perfect amount of information to get me researching.  I don’t want to put toxic thought in my head about this job.  I really want to give this job my all to see if I can do it. I can see myself doing this job for many years and gaining my professional experience with this job long term.  I wanted to express my frustration with this NJCAN information I just learned about. But I am thankful I am equipped to learn about it on my own and that I have this self-motivation to learn about it and use it as soon as possible. Tomorrow will continue to do resumes and set up the students with a NJCAN account.  Friday I will work with the students on taking the test. Goal for this week is to have everyone take the assessments.  So far, I have worked with 6 students on their resumes…I have 9 more to go. Hopefully, I will do 4 tomorrow.  Then the other 4 on Friday after testing. IDK if it is time-efficient to have all resumes done.  But it gives me something to do tomorrow other than setting them up for NJCAN. It's good I am doing it now before I get busy with placement.  This way I just add to their resumes as they get experiences while they are in the program with volunteer work or transitioning jobs they’ll get. I know I need to focus on Jordon, Rontea, Erin and Alianna.  That won’t happen until next week after my supervisor approves my introduction speech to prospective employers.

[yeskhanzadame11]

Natural Weight Loss and Fat Burning Advice to Change Your Life

Obesity is now a worldwide epidemic.  USA is the most obese Country in the world, and my country, Australia, is quickly catching up with the states.  Also, of even more concern is the growing number of obese children who are thinking that fast food is a normal way to eat.

I see it every day, and I used to see it in the mirror in the past, the fat rolls, the chubby fat skin, the fat faces, the big asses.  Yes its not very nice, but if you are a realist like me, you will notice that most people you see are fat and over weight.  Whilst it is there own choice and if they are happy I have no qualms with them being like that.  However, obesity is not just visual thing.  Obesity is killing the world with heart disease, diabetes and other illnesses stemming from having too much fat in your system.

Let me set one thing straight first.  I don't like really skinny girls.  I really appall the cat walk shows and the stuff they say to young girls how they are fat and look too chubby etc. etc.  These people are extremists and I am not a fan of the fashion industry and what it does to young impressionable people all over the world.  Recently there was a comment made on one of those "how to be a super model" shows here in Australia, they judge said something to the effect that the girl should look at herself in the mirror as she is clearly too fat.  And the girl didn't even look overweight to me, I know they have to be anemic in the model industry, but this stuff makes me sick.  Anyway, I'm getting away from what I was saying.  I'm just stating that when I refer to 'overweight', 'obese', 'fat' people, I am referring to people that if they saw a Doctor, the Doctor would tell them that they should consider changing their diet as its harming their health.  So please once again, realise that I am not advocating that everyone should be skinny and not eat anything!

A bit about myself, I am a middle aged guy, 36 years old.  Large boned, I have found that I have always struggled with my weight and body image.  I love the food like most people, and I am a vegetarian as well, did I say I love beer also? :-(.

After I hit 30 or so my body changed almost over night, and I noticed that weight was harder to keep off and went on quicker without much help!  I guess when you eat badly over a period of time, it just adds up and before you know it a year or 2 or more and you will be obese if you don't watch yourself or unless you have one of those magical metabolisms that let you eat whatever you want.   Unfortunately I have a slow metabolism, and I need to exercise a fair bit to lose the weight.

The year 2008 arrived and I woke up one morning and looked at the mirror and said to myself, I am not happy with the way I look and I am not happy about getting out of puff when I kick the footy with my son or run around with him.  I made a conscious decision to change myself weight loss plans for girls .  This is the key to making change in any part of your life, you have to take the first vital step, which is telling yourself you want to change, you will change and you are damn well going to change.

So anyway, I decided to join the gym as I have lifted some weights in earlier years and enjoyed it, I am big boned and I tend to gain muscle relatively easy so that's a good thing, always have to take the positives that you have been given.  Over the years I have been on lots of different diets, but never stuck with t hem in the long term.  I don't like the term diet and I don't like the mental damage it does to one that wants to lose weight.  Diet conjures up all sorts of images of starving yourself on weird and ridiculous food combinations, it makes you think that you are going to put yourself through some sort of food boot camp and you can no longer eat the foods you enjoy eating.

Know what you eat

So I don't use the term diet, I use the term "healthy eating".  Its about changing your diet thoughts and changing what you eat and the foods you eat.  The harsh reality is if you are obese then you can no longer eat the same foods and live a sedentary life as this will not change your body at all.

The first thing you should do is become knowledgeable on the foods you eat and understand what good foods are and bad foods. Bad foods are foods that are high in saturated fats and sugars, and will do your body not much good at all.  Foods that fall into this category are deep fried foods, candy, full fat ice cream, donuts, fast food burgers and fries, full sugar soda drinks, chocolate bars, you get the idea ok.  Start to read the labels for the amount of fat in foods, you should aim at lower fat foods when you shop.

Weight loss and diet & exercise is a topic that I could sit here all week and discuss but instead I will be adding new articles when I have the time so you can come back and read the different weight loss and exercise articles when you have the time as well, theres only so many hours in the day and its hard to get everything done.

The good foods that you should be eating are fresh fruit and vegetables, lean meats, low fat dairy and whole grain carbohydrates.

That means fish, lean meats,  wholegrain rice, pasta and breads.  Low fat cheese, yogurt, & milk.  Fresh fruit each and every day.

Organic foods are always better for you than standard foods, it means there are no nasty chemicals in the foods and if you can afford it I really encourage you to buy organic products, have a look next time you go to the supermarket.

Eat plenty of fruit each day, say 3 to 6 pieces of fruit each day.  I know its a pain, but your body, your digestive system and your bowels will thank you for it.  Have an apple, orange, a cup of tinned fruit salad (in natural juice), a banana, you get the idea.

Have snacks during the day.  Its been proven that this increases your metabolism to burn calories faster.  Have a morning snack of say an apple and some low fat crackers, a cup of low fat yogurt.  In the afternoon have some low fat dip with some low fat wholegrain biscuits.

Fat Loss

Try to really cut down on your fat intake.  Try only having a very small amount of butter on bread/toast, try  some lower fat butter spreads.   Use olive oil in your cooking and minimise this as well.  Get a low fat grill like a George foreman one or whatever, this helps you cook low fat without even trying!  Non stick cooking pans are great as you can put your food on there with some spray oil and it wont burn, try a lower heat with these pans though as they don't like high heat it damages the surface.

I know desserts are wonderful but try to limit these and try to choose low fat alternatives, check out the supermarket and look for low fat desserts, they are everywhere.

Exercise is a crucial part of your life changing weight loss plan.   Start today and go for a brisk walk, it doesn't matter how far it is, just do it, get the walking shoes out and do it, its important to get the ball rolling ok.

Then walk each day, or at least 3 days a week.  Make it fast enough so you get a bit out of puff, very slow walking is not beneficial to weight loss.  45 minutes is your goal to aim for at least 3 times a week, then increase if you really want to see results.

Join the gym or buy some cheap weights from a garage sale!  Lifting weights is incredibly good for your body, doing the likes of "squats", "bench presses", "rows" will aid you in your weight loss journey.  It doesn't matter what your age or sex, weights are a remarkable exercise for strengthening your whole body, working your muscles, increasing your metabolism so you can lose fat faster and burn calories quicker and quicker.  Don't kill yourself though, start slow with a short weight lifting program and then as you gain confidence you can add extra exercises later.  You can do all your exercise at the gym using the cross trainers and treadmills etc.  I cant stress how important plain old walking is, so if you can add regular walking to your life your body will be so much better for it.

Don't stress if you don't have the funds for the gym (they are expensive) as you can do exercises at home, weights are cheap, lots of people buy them and don't use them so they are always for sale!  There's a stack of exercises you can do that require no equipment.  Crunches, situps, push ups, reverse crunches, ab workouts etc. can all be done with no equipment at all.

The best time to exercise is first thing in the morning, this is when you burn the most calories.  This is excellent as you can get it out of the way at the same time and not have to worry about doing it for the rest of the day.  The gyms are busy that time of the day though so maybe the morning walk is better option for you.

Take it easy at the start

One of the most important  things to remember at the beginning of your weight loss journey is not to go into it too hard core.  You will burn yourself out really fast and not want to do it ever again.  Start regular walking, regular exercises.  Change the way you eat, and what you eat.   Start to eliminate fries and bad foods from your diet.  If its too drastic at the start, then start reducing these foods each week and you will still notice weight loss as long as you are exercising and reducing your food intake.  Keep a journal and write down when you start your weight loss regime, write down what you eat, what exercise you do and put down everything you eat, this is very important.

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