#once again. love is only real in the tragic cold case episode

[isabellaofparma]

cold case rewatch (12/∞)

2.07 -'It's Raining Men'

[silentfcknhill]

FAVORITE SHOWS IN POSTERS

Well, we’re back for another installment of this tagged meme, this time for TV shows! I also stole this from/was indirectly tagged by @jcmorrigan. My taste in shows also differs a bit from my taste in movies, as I tend to like a lot of comedy shows with not as many horror ones. I’m not into shows as much as movies overall, but there are some that I am very passionate about so I picked twenty again. So, here we go for part 2, in order:

1. Avatar: The Last Airbender/The Legend Of Korra (2005-2014)

I'm including these as one show since they take place in the same universe and tell a continuation of the same overall plot. Altogether this is probably the best piece of media to ever exist, including movies. It has so many great characters and villains especially and some of the most epic sequences, charming humor and heartwarming moments ever. I've never met a person who didn't like these shows, even people who normally don't like cartoons. My dad, who is biased against animation? He loved it. My mother? She loved it, watched it with her multiple times. My grandmother? Loved it. My ex-boyfriend? Loved it. My best friend? Loved it. I dare anyone not to, and I'm so glad it's making a resurgence since it's on Netflix for a new generation to enjoy.

2. Black Butler (2008-2014)

I never was big into anime growing up and only really started watching anime when I was like 16 and above, but this is one of the exceptions because holy shit is it ever dark and epic. I'm not sure I'd really recommend it for kids, it's more of a teens and young adults kind of anime and that's probably why it's so good, because it isn't afraid to explore dark and mature topics and do it with all of the intensity and gravitas required to do said topics justice. It has lots of great characters, and the story of demons who make deals with children who have a dark side is fun to watch play out.

3. Seinfeld (1989-1998)

My dad was a huge fan of this show so I watched it growing up since I was a toddler and it became a classic for me. I've watched thw hole show through at least 8 times, and I'll never stop because it never gets old or boring. It's also my only comfort show when I'm having a panic attack because of one time a few years ago when I was having a drug-induced psychosis episode and watching it calmed me down, so now it's like the opposite of a trigger and whenever I'm having an episode or something I watch it to bring me back to reality. For that reason it's more than a show to me, it's a medical treatment and I'm forever grateful to it.

4. The Good Place (2016-2020)

The big four shows made my Michael Schur all made it on this post (The Good Place, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, The Office and Parks And Recreation), either in the main list of the honorable mentions, but this is my personal favorite of the four. It's so funny, quirky, relatable and basically tailor-made to suit my interests. Not only is it an entertaining and wholesome show, but I think watching it helped me come to terms with a lot of things like mortality, ethics, philosophy, religion and my relationships with other people. It gets  alot of different viewpoints across and if you're a very analytical and philosophical person like me you'll probably enjoy seeing it all play out. Not to mention, every single character is 'favorite character' material. It's rare you find a show with no filler characters in the main cast, but I genuinely can't choose who is best.

5. Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013-?)

Another of Michael Schur's shows, this one is just barely under The Good Place and to be honest it was tough to pick my favorite between the two because they're both equally funny. I know it's kind of controversial right now because of the whole law enforcement thing, but I actually think they do a good job of handling social issues in the show and remaining respectful of real-life systemic problems. As for the characters, this is another one of those shows where every single character is gold and I think that tends to be a trend among Schur's shows in general. He produces damn good comedy, and damn good characters. I can't wait to see what they bring next.

6. Rick And Morty (2013-?)

This is unfortunately one of those cases of 'great show, horrible fandom' and for that reason I don't get involved in the fandom even though I love the show. It's a shame because it really is a great show, so funny and, again, such good characters. I think it's a lot more accessible than the fandom likes to claim, so I'm hoping more people will give it a chance and not get put off by the intellectual elitism of the fandom because it does have some of the most entertaining and batshit crazy episodes ever, poking fun of some of the staples of science fiction in media while also poking fun of itself the whole time. Unlike the fandom, the show doesn't take itself seriously and that's enjoyable nowadays.

7. Orange Is The New Black (2013-2019)

While this show is a comedy, it is also a lot of other things and it's probably made me ugly-cry just as many times as it's made me laugh. Well, maybe not as often, but those few scenes (if you've watched the show then you know the ones I'm talking about) made me hysterically sob hard enough to be worth like fifty minor sads. But I didn't even mind because the show is just that good, and it makes you /feel/ something in a real way. Probably because of just how real it gets in terms of telling stories that happen all the time in the real world, sometimes with inevitably tragic endings. But these things do happen every day, and it's important to shine a light on that. It's not just representation for LGBTQ+ but also for POC, the neurodiverse, the poor, and many more. Give it a watch to broaden your perspective!

8. Big Mouth (2017-?)

This is probably the grossest show I've ever seen but by god is it ever funny. Maybe it's because I have an immature sense of humor or something, but I love this show. It definitely won't be everyone's cup of tea and I don't recommend you watch this show with anyone else around because it will get awkward. I think part of its appeal to me is that everyone I talk to who likes it considers it so relatable to their lives growing up but for someone like me who grew up on the autism and asexual spectrum and who was physically an early-bloomer by years, nothing about this show is relatable to me in any way so it makes it all the more crazy and bizarre watching how the people around me must have experienced things. Did y'all really have these experiences with puberty in middle school???

9. Dexter (2006-2013)

I recently heard that this show is coming back for a reboot soon and I'm so excited because this is my absolute favorite drama/thriller show, as evidenced by the fact that it's the highest one on the list so far that isn't a comedy. I love the idea of having a protagonist who is sort of a villain (or at least morally dubious), and the idea of a serial killer who only kills bad people is particularly satisfying for some reason. Maybe because he's the vigilante we all deserve and want in this unjust and evil world of modern times? Idk but the very premise of this show set it up for big things and aside from the ending I think it delivered consistently.

10. Once Upon A Time (2011-2018)

This show took us on some journeys, and you can't deny that. Sure, maybe it didn't always finish what it started and didn't always end in the most satisfying way, but part of its charm is that you didn't care because the experience was just so much fun. They took characters and stories that have been told to death and somehow managed to put a unique and unexpected twist on them, and that alone is admirable. Good twists, good villains, and pretty much every cliffhanger known to man will keep you hooked on binge-watching every episode.

11. RuPaul's Drag Race (2009-?)

A bit different than the other entries on my list in that it's not fiction but a reality competition show, but I couldn't leave Drag Race out because it's just so fucking iconic and perfect. Even when you disagree with the judges or can't stand a certain contestant you'll still be having a good time. It's got the personalities you love to love, the ones you love to hate, and the comedy that's completely meme-able. I mean just how much has this show contributed to pop culture and the internet? More than most of us, henny. I've watched every single season, even the international ones and all of the spinoffs. This show will probably be on for another thirty years when Ru is throwing shade from a hospital bed and I'll still be watching.

12. House (2004-2012)

Some people hate on this show, and I don't get it. I love House. Yes, he's an ass. That's the point. He's supposed to be unlikeable, and that's why I like him. Maybe because I always love the rude, sarcastic, misanthropic jerkass-genius characters for some reason. And I also love procedural shows, so it's a win-win. I also work in the healthcare field so it appeals to me for that reason too, because obviously the whole premise is outlandish which is what makes it funny. Of course it's not realistic for a hospital, so just enjoy the absurdity and don't get too hung up on the details of medical accuracy and professional ethics and you'll be fine.

13. The Office (2005-2013)

The third of Michael Schur's show and the last one that made the main list (sorry Parks And Rec, I love you too but there was just so many good shows to choose from and I saw you last so the nostalgia isn't as strong!) I don't think I need to hype this show up any, it's already a classic and you can't even turn around online without getting hit in the face by a dozen Office memes. You'll have to pry this show and it's relatable characters (especially Michael Scott) from my cold, dead hands.

14. All Hail King Julien/The Penguins Of Madagascar (2008-2017)

Like Avatar/Korra, I also consider this as one show for the sake of this list because it also takes place in the same universe (Madagascar, specifically) and I just couldn't choose one over the other because they're both so perfect. They're funny and I love all the characters (it cut out the weaker links of the Madagascar film series and just focuses on expanding the standout side-characters like King Julien and the penguins). It also delved into some lore, particularly the first show, and even though I didn't also agree with the directions it took (you may have seen me get salty about the ending because I cared too much), I can't deny how much I love it.

15. Bones (2005-2017)

One of the other scarce non-comedy shows on this list, it still has it's funny moments. It's also, like House, another procedural show that involves some medical stuff, but this time on a more scientific and forensic level which is even more interesting. It's nice to see a lead female with Asperger's, too. There's a lot of cop/law enforcement shows where they try to solve crimes, but this one is the best, and I'm saying that as a fan of CSI as well. Don't fight me on this, I'm right. Oh yes, it's corny, it's campy, it's cheesy, but I love every minute of it. Don't watch if you have a weak stomach though.

16. The Simpsons (1989-?)

We all grew up with this show, don't lie. It's been around longer than most people on tumblr have even been alive. Should it have ended seasons ago? Hell yes. But that doesn't take away what the first like 20 or so seasons gave us (there's a lot of argument about when the show jumped the shark, for me it wasn't until much later than the popular consensus). The characters are amazing, but the secret to the show's longevity is that they always return to status quo and there's comfort and nostalgia in that. Bart will still be in 4th grade when you're out there pushing 90. This show is persistent. This show is eternal. This show will outlive us all.

17. Ash Vs. Evil Dead (2015-2018)

Sorely underrated. This show is hilarious, gruesome and campy as hell and I love it. I don't think you necessarily have to watch the Evil Dead movies beforehand in order to get the plot of the show, although it would probably help. In my opinion this show ended way too soon and I'm hoping someday we'll get a comeback because Ash is the reluctant, self-absorbed hero we all need and it's 2020 so at this point there really might actually be a demon-zombie apocalypse and who's gonna save us then if not for the impulsive womanizer with a chainsaw for a hand?

18. Malcolm In The Middle (2000-2006)

Another show I grew up with, I don't think it gets as much credit as it deserves. It has some damn funny episodes and great characters, and it did a lot of the popular sitcom tropes before they were 'cool'. Some other great sitcoms, The Middle in particular, took a lot of influence from this show and it helped pave the way for the future of sitcoms at a time when they were about to make a comeback. If you want a good show about the real experiences of growing up, this is a much more accurate representation of the highs and lows of being an awkward tween from a dysfunctional home.

19. A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017-2019)

Unlike most people I actually liked the movie version from the early 2000's, and I read the books growing up so I was excited when I saw there was a live action television adaptation of it on Netflix because I felt like they cancelled the movie franchise too soon. I was interested to see how new actors would handle the roles, and I was not disappointed. I wouldn't say I liked either portrayal of the characters better or worse, they both added their own twist to it and this show is a great and loyal adaptation to the books, probably because the author was so heavily involved. He knew just when to stick to the books and when to improve upon what he had done with the benefit of hindsight. This show is basically the books, but remastered.

20. Winx Club (2004-?)

Sort of an odd one out on this list, but I really love this show even as an adult and it may surprise you to learn it is still going on and the most recent season came out last year. They take big breaks sometimes in between seasons, but it's still going strong and in multiple countries. The only thing I don't like about watching this show is all the different and inconsistent dubs since the original show is Italian and each dub only goes for a couple seasons so by the time you get used to one set of voices/names for the characters oyu have to abruptly switch to another, but it's still worth it for the beautiful animation and cool characters (especially the villains!)

Honorable Mentions: 

13 Reasons Why, America's Next Top Model, American Horror Story, Arrested Development, Bates Motel, Battlestar Galactica, Black Mirror, Care Bears, Chernobyl, Courage The Cowardly Dog, Criminal, CSI, Duck Dodgers, Goosebumps, Kenny Vs. Spenny, Kim Possible, Kingdom Hospital, Lazytown, Lost, Making A Murderer, Mayday, Mindhunter, Modern Family, Monster High, Obsession: Dark Desires, Parks And Recreation, Prison Break, Project Runway, Queer As Folk, Queer Eye, Salem, Schitt's Creek, SCTV, Spongebob Squarepants, The Emperor's New School, The Good Doctor, The Haunting Of Hill House/Bly Manor, The Middle, The Pretender, The Walking Dead, The X-Files, Through The Wormhole, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Unsolved Mysteries, Yugioh

Tagging: @bullet-farmer​ and anyone else who wants to!

[typicalher]

An Analysis of Will's Moral Conflict

One of the key struggles for Will throughout the show concerns his reluctance to fully embrace his darkness. I completely acknowledge that this is a struggle that he deals with throughout, but the reasons for this struggle are more complicated than him simply having too strong of a good moral compass. When you actually look carefully at Will’s pattern of behavior, what you see is that Will’s moral struggle is really more about what he thinks he should feel or possibly even what he thinks he should want to feel. It is often argued that Will struggles with his internal conflict because he also wants justice or to stop Hannibal (and himself) from killing or hurting people. If Will is fighting his darker urges because he wants to protect people then that would be valid, but this is usually not the case when you actually look at his actions and the fallout. Will’s struggles don’t actually protect anyone (in fact his indecisiveness usually leads to tragic consequences) and when others do get hurt, he doesn’t actually react with genuine guilt or even make true changes to his behavior for the better.

In the beginning of the series, we do know that Will has a desire to be normal and because he isn’t he largely hides from social interaction. At first he is also not interested in socializing or even talking with Hannibal, but once Hannibal gets him to confess to enjoying killing Hobbs and then offers him acceptance at this confession, we see Will become much more comfortable having serious and personal conversations with him. Will enjoys the acceptance that Hannibal is offering him despite admitting to enjoying taking a life. Will is still very reluctant to admit this to anyone else; however, so he does recognize that it isn’t a normal feeling for him to have despite Hannibal’s lack of judgement (and even encouragement). He tells Abigail that killing her father was the “ugliest feeling in the world,” which we know is a lie and near the end of S1 he later confesses the truth about how he felt to her.

S2 is where we really get to see Will’s struggle begin though because it is during S2 that he is much more “awake” so to speak and he actually starts actively embracing more of his darker urges and recognizing them for what they are. He is angry at Hannibal because of Abigail’s death and the betrayal of lying about his illness and framing him, as well as the death of Beverly, which eventually leads to Will sending Matthew Brown to kill him. Will does not appear to feel any regret for this attempt at murder by proxy, or the fact that he was sending someone else off to potentially be sacrificed for this cause, and when Hannibal frees him from prison shortly afterwards, he also begins to understand some of Hannibal’s motivations for his S1 actions. However, he still starts off on a plan to get revenge and presumably attempt to bring Hannibal to justice. This brings us to the question of why is Will really doing all of this. Jack certainly seems to think it is for justice, but we eventually see that Will is lying throughout the “investigation.” Will was, for instance, supposed to manipulate Hannibal into trying to kill Mason but arrest him in the act. At least that is what Will tells Jack. However, Will also doesn’t tell Jack anything about his personal connection to the Mason Verger plot and what happened to Margot. He also manipulates Mason against Hannibal, but in the end he frees Hannibal allowing him to kill his way out of Muskrat Farm. He also just ends up watching Hannibal snap Mason’s neck and doesn’t tell Jack anything about what actually happened, which is why they have to resort to the planned entrapment dinner. Based on his actions and not just on what Jack believes are his intentions, there isn’t really any indication that Will’s motivations are anything but personal. He is upset by Hannibal’s actions in S1, but he is mostly still upset about what happened to Abigail. He brings her death up to Freddie twice and questions Hannibal directly about it. Even before the rest of the FBI closes in and Will is forced to make a choice, he burns Hannibal’s psychiatric notes about him. The file even contains the real clock that Will drew when he was ill. Will burns it willingly when he could have attempted to keep it. Hannibal doesn’t seem concerned at all that Will has it in his hands. Why does he destroy valuable evidence if he wants justice? In the end, Will disregards even Abigail’s death when he calls Hannibal to warn him. Even if Will wasn’t planning to run with Hannibal when he got to the house (though we know he at least wanted to based on his later confession to Jack) he wanted Hannibal to leave. He wanted him to go free. This wasn’t about justice. It was about what had personally happened between the two of them and he was apparently okay with Hannibal leaving and going to potentially kill other people somewhere else. Later when Will is in the hospital and Chilton tells him this is his best possible world, Will imagines if he had killed Jack with Hannibal that night, which shows us that Will’s regrets over Mizumono aren’t that he failed to stop Hannibal and bring him to justice but that he didn’t commit to Hannibal sooner and that they didn’t get to go through with killing Jack together.

When we get to S3, Will’s conflict eventually shifts away from being about what Hannibal has done to hurt him and more about Will’s so called morality. This is where Will starts to get a bit more difficult to follow in terms of motivation because Will is pretty hypocritical about all of it. At the beginning of the season, Will is mourning the loss of the family that he, Hannibal, and Abigail could have been together. He is worried that Hannibal may just be playing with him, but he also wants to go to Hannibal. This is explicitly stated more than once when he talks to “Abigail” who is really just a representation of his own thoughts. At the end of the episode, he forgives Hannibal, and I think this is where we start to get a bit of a shift in Will’s conflict. Will goes to Hannibal’s childhood home, which is where he encounters Chiyoh. Will now sees someone Hannibal has “tested” and seemingly has left behind. Will was already worried in Primavera that Hannibal was simply playing with him, but now he sees someone that Hannibal was able to walk away from and he likely becomes concerned that Hannibal sees him the same way. Afterall, Hannibal gutted him and walked away and Will only has the broken heart as a sign that Hannibal hasn’t just moved on. What if Hannibal was just mocking him? Will’s insecurities are somewhat understandable here. What is telling though is how Will treats what he should logically see as another of Hannibal’s “victims.” He treats Chiyoh in a very Hannibal-like manner. He tests her to see if she will kill and she does in self-defense. While he does take the prisoner away from the castle initially, when Chiyoh screams, we get a shot of Will off in the woods. His reaction is stone cold and there is no surprise at all on his face, so he must have expected the prisoner to come back after her. Chiyoh also makes sure to call him out on his real intentions. Later when they are riding the train together, he still shows no remorse for what he did to her, and instead rather coldly questions her about taking a life. He asks her if she sees herself killing the prisoner over and over and she replies no that she sees him and his response is just to grin at her as if he enjoys the thought of what he has made her do. Later in the same episode, she states that he feels like he needs to kill Hannibal or he will become him and Will says yes. It is here that the story somewhat shifts from Will possibly wanting to go be with Hannibal again to feeling like now he needs to kill Hannibal in order to “save himself” from Becoming like him. What changed? I think Chiyoh and thinking Hannibal just saw her as disposable is part of it, but I think the fact that he was able to really forgive Hannibal for what happened between them before and Abigail is also apart of it. If Will can forgive Hannibal for killing their daughter and gutting him and still wants to go to him, what does that say about Will himself and the type of person he is? This isn’t the way normal people love. I think this realization, combined with the fear that Hannibal doesn’t really care about him, causes Will to get a bit spooked and regress in his own self-acceptance a bit. Seeing Bedelia and realizing she took his place also helped solidify this belief on his part.

However, lets look a little more closely at Will’s apparent motivation and the belief he needs to kill Hannibal for this reason. Is it to bring him to justice? Is it to stop Hannibal from killing others? No, it is all about Will and his attempts to possibly control his own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Keep in mind that at this point, Hannibal has left Will alone for eight months. He did leave the broken heart, but Will had to travel across the ocean to see that. Will is going after Hannibal; Hannibal is not going to Will. The idea that Will must kill Hannibal to stop his own dark desires is pretty illogical on Will’s part, and Chiyoh tries to point out to him that there are flaws in his thinking because she follows up by telling him there are means of influence other than violence, but this is also where Will really starts twisting himself up in knots to lie to himself. (For the record, I do think there is more to Will’s motivations than just wanting to kill Hannibal just like there was much more to Hannibal’s attempt at the head sawing. For one, I think they are both afraid of being the vulnerable one in the relationship because at this point in their relationship, there is a lot of violence, physical and emotional, between them. I also doubt Will would have gone through with it. He pulled a tiny knife in the middle of a public street and Will has never before or after this, been able to actually go through with killing Hannibal or letting anyone else do it, but I digress.) It should also be noted that Will didn’t go to Italy in the first place to attempt to bring Hannibal to justice. He goes to Italy to deal with his feelings for Hannibal just like he “resumed therapy” to deal with his feelings for Hannibal. We can see proof of this in his interaction with Pazzi who wants his help as an officer of the law to find Hannibal, and Will not only isn’t interested in really helping him, he starts to deliberately act creepy around him including taunting him by asking him if he knows whose side he is really on. When Will meets up with Jack later, even though he goes with him to the apartment where they find Bedelia, Will also slips out by himself and doesn’t tell Jack he knows where to find Hannibal, so again he sees finding Hannibal as something personal and not a matter of law enforcement.

Then we arrive at the Digestivo break up. Will is clearly exhausted during this episode. He does bite Cordell’s cheek and look to Hannibal for approval and help talk Alana into freeing them, but you can tell he is tired. This is when he tells Hannibal to leave and he doesn’t want to know where he is. Let’s break this action down. There are two valid interpretations to this: Will deliberately manipulated Hannibal into surrendering (which he later claims) or Will thought Hannibal would really leave and was surprised that Hannibal turned himself in. If Will did deliberately manipulate Hannibal into turning himself in, we can say from his later actions that he was essentially keeping Hannibal on the hook until Will was ready to return to him. Will is giving himself a break from the drama that is their relationship and giving himself some space (even though Will was the one to seek out Hannibal again and not the other way around). If Will didn’t manipulate him on purpose then Will once again is apparently fine with Hannibal leaving and killing other people. The implication then is that it would apparently be okay as long as Hannibal wasn’t killing people he knew and Will wasn’t tempted to give in to his own dark urges by being around Hannibal. Hannibal killing only seems to be an issue for Will when he is personally connected to it, and even then only to a point. The only one of Hannibal’s victims he really seems to care about is Abigail (who he forgave Hannibal for) and Beverly for a short period of time before he seemingly forgot about her entirely (and this is arguably Will being angry at Hannibal taking something else away from him. Will tends to get upset when he believes this is what Hannibal is doing. We see it with Abigail, Margot’s baby, and later when he accuses Hannibal of this concerning Molly and Walter during his conversation with Bedelia.) We can also see the way Will treats one of Hannibal’s surviving victims, Alana. Alana is manipulated by Hannibal, and unlike Will himself, is considered disposable. Alana actually does try to stop Hannibal by pulling the trigger and attempting to shoot him, but she fails. She is a victim of Hannibal’s manipulations and suffers a serious injury and almost dies because of Hannibal. And how does Will treat her? He doesn’t even want her around him. He would rather pine for Hannibal and Abigail in Hannibal’s kitchen than even talk to her. They could have come together to bond over their trauma, but instead he rejects her entirely and tells her to leave him alone. He doesn’t even have a logical reason to be so put off by her in their scene in the kitchen.

We then arrive at the Red Dragon arc where Will’s “moral conflict” reaches its most hypocritical levels. First, we have how he treats Bedelia. Will is blatantly jealous, but even setting aside his hatred of her as a potential rival, his attitude towards her is outrageously hypocritical. He was upset no one would believe him about Hannibal in the first half of S2, but he never even gives her story the benefit of the doubt for a second (even openly mocking her with his “I don’t believe you.”) He also tells her she would deserve to be eaten by Hannibal and later threatens her again in TWOTL. This is the man who tried to shoot someone in cold blood, mutilated a corpse, set someone up to kill and mutilated another corpse, and tried to help Hannibal escape at least once. Will has done more criminal acts and gotten away with them than Bedelia is even capable of doing in the first place. Remember when Will was going to be arrested for killing and mutilating Randall Tier? Apparently Will just got away with that completely once the FBI was distracted by Hannibal being the real Ripper. Bedelia has nothing on Will.

We also have Will’s family, which is often used as an example of Will trying to be a good man and resist his darkness, but let’s look at how this is presented. Parallels are actually drawn between Will choosing his family and how Dolarhyde chooses his victims. Hannibal points out that Dolarhyde is like Will and “needs a family to escape what is inside of him.” When Hannibal tells him he picked a readymade family “to serve his needs” because he knows better than to breed, Will is called out for basically having a beard family (in more than one way). It is worth noting that Will does not even try to argue with Hannibal about this, which is basically accepting the truth of the statement. Will doesn’t have a problem with calling Hannibal out when he feels he deserves it. What we are shown of Will’s relationship with Molly is also quite shallow. We have no reason to believe he has been honest about himself with her. She believes he is motivated by wanting to save lives, but as we have seen he is fine putting people in danger and doesn’t seem to care about Hannibal killing people he doesn’t care about. She also jokes about his criminal mind and he shuts the conversation down. There has been discussion about whether or not Will was purposely putting Molly and Walter in danger. I don’t think he did this consciously, but I do believe he was very selfish to use them for a “normal” life while he is essentially keeping Hannibal waiting in prison. It is also very odd that Will is supposed to be so good at reading killers, but he “doesn’t” pick up on the obvious hints Hannibal gives him about Dolarhyde coming after Molly and Walter next. By involving them, and not being honest with them, he at least was pulling them into a world they weren’t prepared for. We also never see them again after they are attacked. Will mainly seems upset that Hannibal tried to take something away from him again since that has been an issue for Will throughout their relationship and even in the scene where he confronts Hannibal about it he doesn’t even stay angry for the entire scene. (Also, the accusation that Hannibal gave Will three years to build a family just so he could take them away is pretty bizarre logic as well. Hannibal didn’t know what Will was going to do while he was in prison.) If Will actually wanted to be with them though, it is odd that this was enough to destroy the relationship. As if he wanted to live in an illusion and once the illusion is shattered he has no need for it. Some argue that Will’s motivations are to protect Molly and Walter in the finale, but if that is the case why do we never see them again? Molly is only brought up in the finale as a way for Will to try and hurt Hannibal. If Will truly cared beyond the destruction of his attempt at a normal life, then why do we not get more of a real moment between Will and Molly after the hospital scene? Instead, Will is back to focusing on the personal conflict of he and Hannibal’s relationship and the new confirmation that Hannibal is in love with him and what he feels in return and what he is going to do about it. In fact, Will was the one who decided to involve Hannibal in the case before it was even necessary. If Will believes Hannibal is so dangerous for himself and the world at large, why doesn’t he leave Hannibal to rot alone in his cell until it is absolutely necessary to interact with him? Bedelia calls him out for just missing Hannibal and wanting to see him, but you also have to wonder if Will wants to give Hannibal the chance to act in some way and get involved. Hannibal didn’t even need to know Will had a family at all for the purposes of this case, so Will agreeing with Bedelia that Hannibal was going to let Will have something knowing he could take it away is odd. The whole situation is another example of Will coming to Hannibal instead of Hannibal coming to Will. Will had to want Hannibal involved.

We then come to Chilton and Will’s role in what happens to him. Will does appear upset at seeing what happened to Chilton in the FBI office, but when we cut to him with Bedelia, the one he can be more honest with, we see a very different side of him, and when she asks if he wants to talk about it he responds with “the divine punishment of a sinner mirrors the sin being punished” and “Damned if I’ll feel.”  When she asks if he has to wonder if he put Chilton at risk he says no and with a cocky eyebrow raise, he responds to her asking if she expected this to happen to Chilton by saying “I can’t say I’m surprised.” We aren’t seeing any real remorse here and after imagining himself lighting the match that burned Chilton, he easily lies to Jack in the next scene and blames it all on Hannibal, which is a deliberate attempt on his part to deflect the blame he was just taking responsibility for with Bedelia.

Will’s actions in The Wrath of the Lamb are ambiguous to a point, and there are multiple interpretations of what his intentions were. What we can say for certain is that Will lies to Jack and acts like he didn’t know Dolarhyde was alive until after the rest of them learn that news as well. He never reveals that he has already put a plot into motion involving Dolarhyde. So what is Will’s motivation? There are different options. None of them actually make Will look good or heroic at all. One interpretation is that Will has decided that too many lines have been crossed by himself and he needs to put an end to it, so he is going to have Dolarhyde kill Hannibal. If this is Will’s motivation, then it means that Will is essentially blaming giving in to his own darkness on Hannibal simply existing. Hannibal is in a cell and while he did find a way to be something of a danger thanks to Dolarhyde, that avenue is now cut off to him. It doesn’t make logical sense for Will to decide to use another serial killer to kill Hannibal because Will has given into his darkness enough to now be willing to do things like set up Chilton and not feel bad about it. If this is Will’s genuine plan, it also means he is willing to lie to Jack and the others and put many people in danger for his own personal issues. The officers escorting them are killed, and it can be easily assumed that Will helped Dolarhyde know where they would be (how else did he find out?) so that it would just be Will and Hannibal against Dolarhyde alone, which was not Jack’s plan at all. Even if Will didn’t intend for the police officers to die, he was deliberately endangering others with his plan and they die because of his manipulations. Will also shows no remorse over this (he even steals a gun off of a corpse) even though it is a much worse act than killing a family annihilator with Hannibal. If Will’s moral conflict doesn’t include caring about the lives of innocent officers, what exactly is he trying to stop himself from Becoming and how will Hannibal being dead help? The most “heroic” take on Will’s plan is that he wanted to put an end to Dolarhyde and Hannibal (and possibly himself) to end all the evil and maybe stop himself from becoming a killer. However, Will’s plan involves lying to Jack, manipulating people, and getting innocent bystanders killed. This isn’t logical and if this was Will’s conscious plan he is a hypocrite who is more concerned with saving a perception of himself that he believes should exist than actually being a hero. If Will really wanted to put an end to things, he could also have helped Jack find Dolarhyde and then turn himself in for his own crimes or had himself committed to protect others from himself. Will instead picks the most reckless and dangerous plan he could. Even his attempt at ending both he and Hannibal isn’t a full commitment to the act. There was still a gun available. He could have put a bullet in Hannibal’s brain when he was vulnerable and then ended himself. Instead, Will pushes them off a cliff that Hannibal already told him had an eroding bluff. He is leaving it up to chance, likely because he doesn’t really want to die, but he believes dying is what he should want to do. Keep in mind, this last push isn’t motivated by the fact that his plotting led to the death of several innocent people. He is motivated to do this because of how Good and Right it feels killing with Hannibal.

For the record, I believe that Will really wanted to free Hannibal and kill with him. I do think it is very possible that Will told himself his motivations were what I outlined above, but because those motivations are so illogical, I believe this was just his excuse to create a situation where he and Hannibal had to fight and kill Dolarhyde alone together because what he really wanted was that experience (after all, he tells Bedelia his plan and threatens her with Hannibal coming after her, which doesn’t make sense if he really plans for them to all be dead). However, if the above were his motivations, and Will truly wanted to let Dolarhyde kill Hannibal for him right up until the moment he couldn’t actually let it happen, then Will is someone who is willing to blame someone else for his own actions, unnecessarily endanger bystanders to “save” himself, and then attempt to use someone else for murder by proxy (again). None of that is heroic and none of that demonstrates that Will is driven by a genuine attempt to be moral. It is a surface level morality that doesn’t add up to much at all.

Even the narrative tends to tell Will that his fight to preserve his “morality” is dangerous to others. The more Will fights, the more indecisiveness he shows, the more he gets other people hurt. His insistence that he just kept lying to Hannibal (as he tells himself in Primavera) helped lead to the tragedy of Mizumono. While Hannibal is responsible for his own actions, Will is also responsible for the part he plays and his inability to pick a side until it was too late (and even then in a way ambiguous enough that Hannibal did not seem to get the message.) When Will is unsure of himself and gives into his impulses without being sure of what he wants, we end up with situations like Chilton and the unnecessary deaths in TWOTL. Will’s moral conflict never actually leads to anything good in the show, and a lot of the negative consequences are caused by Will’s inability to seemingly be honest even with himself. Will’s moral conflict is something he does struggle with, but ultimately it does not lead to him actually changing for the better or showing genuine remorse for his actions. His conflict only leads to him being more reckless and endangering even more people. It is a false conflict that is based on Will believing he should be a certain way because of society’s expectations (and it is in this that the closeted subtext makes the most sense) rather than real guilt or a desire to be good for its own sake. I do hope and believe that surviving the Fall was what Will needed to finally let go of these issues so that he can finally be happy with himself and Hannibal.

[d-criss-news]

Ryan Murphy’s (Kinda) True ‘Hollywood’ Story: 1940s Meets Gay Stars, Interracial Romance and (Gasp!) a Female Studio Chief

The prolific TV creator and Netflix unveil a revisionist take on the golden age of movies, showing how much (and how little) has shifted in entertainment and beyond: “'Hollywood’ can change the world.”

On an abnormally cold January evening, on the steps of Los Angeles’ Shrine Auditorium, history was being rewritten.

Two actors, one playing Rock Hudson, the other Hudson’s African American screenwriter boyfriend, Archie, were tucked inside a teal blue Packard Club Sedan, awaiting their cue. Outside, it was Oscar night, 1948, and despite warnings of grave backlash, the pair was prepared to step out as a couple for the first time.

Archie exited first, his eyes wide with trepidation, then Rock. In matching white tuxedos, they grabbed for each other’s hands and shuffled nervously down the red carpet.

The press box erupted in hisses, then boos.

“Are we doing the right thing?” Archie whispered.

“Absolutely we are,” Rock replied.

The two exchanged smiles, exhaled and made their way into the theater. Then they stopped and did it again. And again.

Ryan Murphy, the scene’s chief architect, was a few miles east, buried in one of his dozen other projects, but his fingerprints could be detected everywhere. The reimagining — part of his new Netflix anthology series, Hollywood — offers a world in which Hudson (played by Jake Picking) walked openly as a gay man, as opposed to the real-life heartthrob who remained closeted until his death from AIDS in the mid-1980s. Elsewhere in Murphy’s revision of history, an African American actress, played by Laura Harrier, is cast as the star of a major studio picture, written by Hudson’s black boyfriend (Jeremy Pope), helmed by a half-Asian director (Darren Criss) and greenlit by a female studio chief (Patti LuPone) and her gay head of production (Joe Mantello).

If Pose was Murphy’s effort to champion the marginalized, Hollywood’s his shot at imagining such marginalization was undone decades ago. The series, his first without his longtime collaborators at 20th Century Fox Television, drops in its entirety May 1, with a sprawling ensemble of real and fictional characters. It was supposed to feel timely, its period backdrop a reminder of how much and how little has changed in 70-plus years; now, landing in a world grappling with a global pandemic, its 1940s setting could be the escape so many are seeking.

“I’ve always been interested in this kind of buried history, and I wanted to create a universe where these icons got the endings that they deserved,” says Murphy, 55, who’s been waiting out the virus at his home in Los Angeles, with his husband and two young sons, who now require homeschooling. “It’s this beautiful fantasy, and in these times, it could be a sort of balm in some way.”

The Netflix executives who shelled out roughly $300 million for Murphy’s services in 2018 can only hope so. Already, they’ve had to cancel influencer screenings, scrap subway ads and punt on potential plans for a premiere benefit for the now hard-hit Motion Picture Television Fund, which houses several stars of the era in its L.A. retirement facility. As for the show itself, it’s certainly not the broad-sweeping, four-quadrant fare that Netflix is widely thought to prefer. The pilot episode alone features six sex scenes — a mix of gay and straight — and nearly all involve some sort of financial transaction. By episode three, which the show’s writers have nicknamed “night of a thousand dicks,” the characters have found their way to one of director George Cukor’s infamous pool parties.

Still, Netflix head of originals Cindy Holland says that Hollywood is exactly the kind of elevated, inclusive and ultimately hopeful programming that the company wants from Murphy, and the seven-episode limited series was fast-tracked as a result. “What I love,” she says, “is that Ryan is creating a world that he wants to will into existence.”

***

Murphy’s first inkling for Hollywood came over a celebratory dinner with Criss following their fruitful awards run for the Versace installment of American Crime Story. With rosé flowing, the two began discussing a next possible collaboration. Murphy wanted to do something young and hopeful; Criss proposed 1940s Hollywood. The 33-year-old actor had been fascinated by the lore surrounding characters like Scotty Bowers, the L.A. hustler who operated out of a gas station on Hollywood Boulevard, along with golden age stars like Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn, and he was eager to explore the era with Murphy.

“There’s a blinking red light on it that says, ‘Ryan Murphy, Ryan Murphy,’ ” says Criss, “because it’s sexy, it’s fun, it’s glamorous, it’s dangerous and it has resonance now.”

Murphy didn’t disagree. As a student of Hollywood history, he’d already gone down the road with his FX series Feud, which centered its first season on Joan Crawford and Bette Davis. This would simply allow him to dig deeper on figures who’d long captured his attention, from Anna May Wong, the first Chinese American movie star, who was effectively run out of Hollywood, to Hattie McDaniel, the first African American to win an Oscar and not be allowed to sit with her cast in the theater. “I’m always moved by these characters who weren’t fully seen or didn’t get their moment,” says Murphy in an interview on the Paramount lot earlier this year, where he was directing Meryl Streep in The Prom, another Netflix production. At one point, he’d even toyed with the idea of doing a Biography-style anthology series with an episode devoted to each.  

Not long after that dinner, Criss was at a bachelor party when his phone rang. It was Murphy. “He says, 'Do you mind if I just do my thing on this?’ ” says Criss. “And I’m like, 'You’re Ryan fucking Murphy. Do whatever you want!’ ”

So, Murphy picked a collaborator, Ian Brennan, with whom he’d worked on Glee, Scream Queens and The Politician, and the two began quietly tossing around ideas. With the help of a few researchers, they landed on a story that revolved around a Bowers-esque service station, with a staff full of actors and directors looking to be stars. “It was super fun and sexy and salacious,” says Brennan, “but it was also about the #MeToo underbelly of 1940s Hollywood, which felt very, very contemporary.”

The men found it exhilarating to depict sex so explicitly and in every possible combination. “To be able to describe exactly what is happening is really, really cool,” says Brennan. And despite the appetite for such racy content varying dramatically around the globe, Netflix brass was passionate about its inclusion — a marked difference from his and Murphy’s experience on previous shows, where they fought tooth and nail over the mere mention of sexual terms. “I hope this isn’t speaking out of school,” he adds, “but the one thing [Netflix’s vp original series] Brian Wright said to me, was, like, 'Thumbs-up on the sex. If anything, dial that up.’”

From the Pose writers room, producer Janet Mock would see Murphy and Brennan huddled in a nearby room and wonder what the latest “secret Ryan Murphy project” was all about. At one point, Mock found herself pumping intel out of a writers’ assistant, who told her, “It’s a thing called Hollywood, it’s about this gas station.” Having seen the 2017 documentary Scotty and the Secret History of Hollywood, she figured, “OK, there’s no place for me in that. I’ll continue with Pose.”

But that would soon change, beginning with an eye-opening discussion in the writers room about which of the ensemble’s contract players would be picked to star in the film at the center of Hollywood. The role was that of real-life actress Peg Entwistle, a blonde Brit who jumped to her death from the famed Hollywood sign. “At first, we were like, “Well, it can’t be the black girl [Harrier’s Camille], they wouldn’t have done it. …’ And then it was like, 'Well, wait a second, what if it actually was? What if Peg becomes Meg,’ ” says Brennan. One what-if led to another and then another, and before long they’d decided to go back in and start revising history — this time, with Mock as a credited writer.

Now, rather than use the series to, say, showcase the powerlessness of a studio head’s aging housewife, in this case LuPone’s Avis, they tweaked the story so that suddenly it explores what would happen if Avis gained control of her husband’s studio. It was the same for several others, including Rock Hudson, says Murphy’s co-creator. Instead of telling the tragic tale of a person forced to hide, they allowed themselves to explore what would happen if he refused to do so. “Once we began asking, 'What if?’ it became a different show,” says Brennan, with Mantello adding: “It became a fable of what could have been.”

With Netflix execs eager to get the series up on the service, Murphy began loading the cast with his usual mix of familiar names — from Jim Parsons, as Hudson’s real-life closeted agent Henry Wilson, to Rob Reiner, as the head of the fictional Ace Studios — and newer discoveries, like Samara Weaving (Ready or Not) as Reiner’s daughter, or Picking as Hudson and Pope as his fictional boyfriend. As with other recent ensembles, he listed all of them not in order of importance or seniority but rather alphabetically on the call sheet. The message was clear: “The star of the show is the show,” says Murphy. Still, initial hires Criss and David Corenswet, who’d made his debut on The Politician, were given executive producer credits, along with backend points on the series. (There’s already talk of a season two, which would pick up in the late 1960s, with many of the same actors in entirely new roles.)

At some point in the production process, Murphy found himself scaling back the graphic nature of the series, too — a byproduct of his own personal recalibration, he says, having spent so much of his pre-Netflix life fighting to show so much as a woman’s nipple. “When you’re finally free, you have this tendency to go full tilt boogie, but ultimately I became much more interested in the emotion of the characters, and, frankly, I became protective of them,” he explains, suggesting every episode had an X-rated version, an R-rated version and a PG version, and, to the delight of participants like Corenswet, who plays an actor-cum-sex worker, Murphy would almost always select the R one.

“I think Ryan realized as we were shooting that the best part of the sex was the romance — and that’s always great to hear as an actor, especially when it applies to your five-page sex scene with Patti LuPone,” says the 26-year-old Corenswet. LuPone, for her part, was just thrilled she was still asked to do a sex scene at age 71. “Finally!” she bellows, praising Murphy for having both the vision and the courage to take the risks he does: “Ryan’s fearless,” says the Tony winner, who also popped up in Pose, “and I’m so happy to be in his world." 

***

Long before Murphy was a household name, with a big fat Netflix deal to ostensibly take all the risks he wants, he was a frustrated former journalist fighting to change a system that wasn’t built for him. His own secret had been revealed at just 15, when his mother found a drawer full of love letters from his then-22-year-old boyfriend at their home in Indiana. Horrified, she and Murphy’s father threw their son into counseling, hoping he could be "fixed.”

A decade or two later, after his first career as an entertainment writer, Murphy carved out a place for himself in television, where he could exist comfortably as a gay man — so long as he didn’t try to write anyone like himself into scripts. “There were lots of words that they’d use to discriminate against you,” he says, “too flamboyant, too camp, too theatrical, and they were all code.”

By the mid-1990s, he’d joined forces with 10 or so other out or soon-to-be-out creatives, a group that included Nina Jacobson, Greg Berlanti and A Beautiful Mind’s Bruce Cohen. Giving themselves the name “Out There,” they’d meet in courtyards and living rooms to swap horror stories and try to plot a path forward. “We were young and didn’t have much money, but we had a lot of energy and a need to connect with and support each other as gay people working in a straight environment,” says Jacobson, who’d later collaborate with Murphy on American Crime Story and Pose. “And for a lot of us, it was, for the first time, that feeling of community.”

In time, Murphy, like the others, found a way to “monetize [his] pain.” His first creation, Popular, debuted in 1999, and other opportunities followed. Popular begat Nip/Tuck, Nip/Tuck begat Glee, and before he knew it, Murphy had moved from TV’s fringes to its red-hot center. As The New Yorker once wrote, “He changed; the industry changed; he changed the industry.” In early 2018, he signaled that power by signing a nine-figure deal, among the most lucrative in the medium’s history.

So it is perhaps fitting that Murphy’s first project wholly for and from the service includes a scene that trumpets what he calls “the thesis statement” of his career. It begins with Criss’ character, Raymond, being regaled by the story of Anna May Wong’s awe-inspiring screen test for the lead role in the 1937 adaptation of The Good Earth, a part that ultimately went to a far less deserving Caucasian actress. Suggesting it was one of the saddest stories Raymond had ever heard, a film executive played by Mantello responds:

“What’s so sad about it? The picture was a hit. [They] were right. You can’t open a picture with a Chinese lead or a colored one, a number of theaters won’t run it.”

Raymond: “But you said she deserved the part?”

Exec: “Yes, but the hard fact is, had she gotten it, the picture is not a hit.”

Raymond: “How do you know that? You never made the movie, so how do you know it’s not a hit?”

Criss’ character continues with a monologue that is so perfectly Murphy you can almost close your eyes and picture him saying it.  

“Sometimes I think folks in this town don’t really understand the power they have. Movies don’t just show us how the world is, they show us how the world can be. If we change the way that movies are made — you take a chance and you make a different kind of story, I think you can change the world.”

Criss himself would argue that Murphy already has. “His dial is always in extremes. So, if he’s doing Glee or Scream Queens or this, it’s at an 11, almost as a middle finger to reality,” says the actor. “It’s like he turned the dial over to say, 'This is how I’d like to see the world in my wildest dreams. Ain’t it fun?’ ”

In the past two years, since he moved his creative hub from 20th Century Fox TV, where he still maintains a considerable roster, Murphy been responsible for producing roughly 200 LGBTQ characters, many featured as leads. At least a third of his Hollywood cast is older than 70 (“Seventy is the new 40,” he teases), and nearly every project he launches is fronted by a woman — and that’s just in front of the camera. “If you see it, you can be it,” Murphy says often.

It’s a worldview that appeals to Netflix’s Holland, for whom he’s already prepped two films (Prom, The Boys in the Band), two docuseries (Circus of Books, Secret Love) and five seasons of inclusive television, including a Halston miniseries that, along with his 20th programs Pose, American Horror Story and American Crime Story, shut down care of COVID-19 in March. In the weeks since, when he isn’t toggling between Tiger King and MSNBC, Murphy’s kept busy writing two new decidedly hopeful series, each with the express purpose of providing viewers and himself an escape. “Ryan’s the rare creator who speaks to many audiences,” says Holland. “It’s not just gay people or straight people or older people or younger people, it’s really all people who are interested in the human condition.”

To date, Murphy claims he has yet to hear the word “no” from his Netflix bosses, though he’s definitely been nudged in certain directions. “They don’t want me to do small, niche things,” he says, acknowledging that not too long ago a project like Hollywood would have been deemed just that. “But they know how to market this,” he explains, noting that Netflix will push his latest series on viewers who also like love stories, young adult series and LGBTQ fare.

For those who worried the ultra-competitive producer would chafe in a system that doesn’t provide a public report card (aka ratings), he argues that that’s been liberating. Brennan backs him up, revealing how they received initial numbers for The Politician a week or two after it premiered late last summer and then another trove of data a month or so later; and though the latter could effectively game out how many people would watch the series over time, Brennan says, “We were sort of like, 'I don’t think that’s helpful.’ ”

Murphy takes it a step further, insisting he’s no longer interested in the old metrics, like how many people are watching or how many awards a series has generated. “All the things that people tell you will make you feel successful … I have those things, they don’t,” he says. What matters to him now is being able to tell stories that he wishes he or others could have seen. To that end, he can’t help but wonder what his own life would have been had he witnessed Rock Hudson walking the Oscars red carpet as an openly gay man — and though it’s too late to change his own experience, Murphy would like to be able to improve the experience of others. So, he took a chance and made a different kind of story. “Hollywood,” he says, “can change the world.”

[michelles-garden-of-evil]

Shadow Over Seventh Heaven Review, Part I: Last Night I Dreamt I Went to Maljardin Again

Once, April Tennant had been the greatest screen star of all. Even now that this stunning creature was gone, the victim of a hideous accident, her name still cast a magic glow. And nowhere was her haunting spell more alive than within her great walled estate of San Rafael.

It was here that April had lived in her storybook marriage with famed actor Richard Morgan. It was here that her memory was worshipped still. And it was here that lovely young Jenny Summers came as Richard Morgan's new bride--to discover the terror behind the tinsel in this place transformed from a paradise of the living to a hell of the undead.... (inside front cover)

Welcome, fellow Strangers and all others who happen upon this post. This week, I have decided to begin a new series exploring the Gothic novels written by co-creator and first headwriter of Strange Paradise, Ian Martin, under the pen name Joen Arliss. Mostly, the purpose of this series will be to compare the plot and characters of Strange Paradise and those of his novels and what that may indicate about his original intentions for the overarching story of the soap opera.

I got the idea to start this series while writing my review of Episode 26, after the contents of an article referenced in one of the scenes reminded me of the events in this book. On his now-defunct website Maljardin.com, Curt Ladnier covered some of the similarities between “Here Goes the Bride,” the CBS Radio Mystery Theater drama from which this book was adapted, and Strange Paradise, but I wanted to dive deeper and do one of my characteristic overanalyses. So fly with me to the grand southwestern estate of San Rafael and together let’s explore Shadow Over Seventh Heaven--and let me warn you, there will be spoilers for the entire Maljardin arc of SP.

As noted above, Shadow Over Seventh Heaven is an adaptation of a radio drama that Martin wrote for CBS Radio Mystery Theater. CBSRMT is, perhaps unquestionably, Ian Martin’s most famous work. Created by Himan Brown in 1974 and running for 1,399 nightly episodes, Martin wrote a total of 243 (including many adaptations of literary classics) and acted in 255, typically in supporting roles. He continued writing and acting on the series all the way until his death in 1981 at the age of 69. Given my tendency to procrastinate, which sometimes makes it difficult to write just one episode review a week even when I’m not busy, I envy him for being such a prolific writer. I suspect that all the soap scripts he wrote got him into the habit, and he just couldn’t break it.

Even more extraordinary is that he wrote and published five novels during the same period that he worked on CBSRMT. His first was Nightmare’s Nest (1979), an adaptation of the CBSRMT play “The Deathly White Man” (and not the other drama, also by him, of the same name), which is his answer to Jane Eyre and which also has some interesting connections with SP which I plan to explore in another review series. Next came this novel, and then Beloved Victim (1981), adapted from “A Lady Never Loses Her Head,” which I don’t recall having anything noteworthy in common with SP, but I may need to re-read it to make sure. He also wrote two mystery novels, The Shark Bait Affair and The Ladykiller Affair, for the Zebra Mystery Puzzler series, but those are both very rare now and I haven’t yet read either, so I can’t say anything about them. The book Mystery Women: An Encyclopedia of Leading Women Characters in Mystery Fiction does, however, provide some information on their protagonist, Kate Graham, along with short plot summaries. As someone with two trunk novels from the last decade and about fifty pages of a third--which I mostly stopped working on after I started this blog--I also envy him for this. How on Earth did he find the time?

But I digress. Like that of “Here Goes the Bride,” the plot of Shadow Over Seventh Heaven draws heavy inspiration from Daphne du Maurier’s famous Gothic romance Rebecca, but with some major differences in plot and characterization. The novel fleshes out the radio drama some more, adding additional details and plot twists that aren’t present in the original play, which arguably make it more interesting. One gets the impression that he had a lot of story in mind while he penned the original drama, but knew he could only squeeze so much into a 45-minute radio play and so had to leave many of the most interesting details out.

But that’s enough background information. Let’s begin our analysis and see what Ian Martin’s later work can tell us about his original intentions for Strange Paradise.

Introduction

The face is lovely, matchless....

Opening like some gigantic and exotic flower as the camera zooms in...

It fills the screen, flawless, enticing....

The lower lip glistens, pulled away from those perfect teeth, trembling ever so slightly, promising undreamed-of delights for the man brave enough to taste its forbidden fruit....

The skin glows with an inner light....

The eyes beyond the thick fringe of dark eyelashes shimmer with the deep violet of a tropical night....

The pitiless exposé of the camera is defeated, no matter how close it probes in close-up....

This is beauty without blemish....

This is everyman's dream woman--sex symbol of the nation, and most of the world....

This is April Tennant!

Strange to think of her dead, for on the screen she is captured forever in all her vibrancy and stunning beauty....

Impossible to think of her lying, mangled and bleeding on the rocks, while the hungry sea licks out as if to possess her.

Incredible to think of her cold and in the grave. Which she has been for twelve months--or this story never would have begun (p. 5).

The first page of the novel introduces us to April Tennant, this novel’s Rebecca and also its Erica Desmond. Like Rebecca, she is the first wife of the protagonist’s love interest, whose tragic death will cast a shadow over her former estate. Like Erica, she was a famous actress--probably more so than Erica ever was--but the cause of her death is not the same as the alleged cause of Erica’s. In Episode 5 of Strange Paradise, Erica’s grieving husband Jean Paul claims that she died of eclampsia while pregnant with their son, although evidence uncovered by other characters in later episodes leads them to contest that claim. Instead, April’s death resembles that of Huaco, the wife of Jean Paul’s ancestor Jacques Eloi des Mondes who died when she fell from a cliff on Maljardin, Jacques’ island estate.

In this introduction, we also see what will become a theme of the novel: gaze. Not just the male gaze--the obvious POV of the introduction--but, more generally, the viewing of April Tennant almost exclusively through the eyes of other characters, both male and female. We never learn much about her inner life, even as we learn those of Jenny (our protagonist), Richard, and others. April is largely a mystery, a larger-than-life figure of ideal beauty who, in the eyes of the public, is more a legend than she is flesh and blood. It’s the same mystique that surrounds celebrities in real life that often makes other people forget that they, too, are human--if, indeed, that’s what April was. Or is there more to it? I guess we’ll have to find it.

Chapter 1

The first chapter begins with a detailed description of San Rafael--and by detailed, I mean that Ian Martin spends one and a half pages describing its wall, followed by two on the mansion itself. I won’t type out too many passages from this book for copyright reasons--for, unlike Strange Paradise, this book is still under copyright--but I will include some highlights. The wall surrounding the castle “was thick enough at the bottom to withstand any tremor of the California earth...topped by a corona of jagged broken glass and it ran for a mile and three-quarters in a great semicircle away from the rocky Pacific coast and back to it again” (p. 6). On its gate,

The ironwork swept and swirled in great balanced curlicues, and the frame was heavy and studded. The studs held great sheets of blackened steel, heavy enough to withstand a battering ram, blocking any vision of the grounds the wall concealed. And the vertical members of the scrollwork reared high above the frame of the door and the top of the wall in a bristling array of spikes, sharp as swords, arched forward to further discourage any hardy trespasser who might try to climb their height (pp. 6-7).

In case you haven’t already figured it out, Martin loved his purple prose. If you don’t like Byzantine descriptions of architecture, ironwork, clothing, or anything else, you probably shouldn’t read this book or any of Martin’s other novels. (Nightmare’s Nest is far purpler, however, than this one. There’s an entire chapter in there devoted to describing the protagonist’s lush Edwardian finery.) Fortunately for me, I love this kind of thing and will gladly devour description after description of gates covered in iron curlicues. My literary tastes tend toward “more is more” and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

We learn that San Rafael is a reconstruction of an old Spanish mission, commissioned by April and built in part by Richard himself, “who personally took charge of putting in all the glass that fronted on the sea.” The gardens that surround it give it “a riot of color--bougainvillea, hibiscus, passionflowers, trumpet vines--all enhanced and set off against the majesty of rows of carefully spaced Italian cedar, or Lombardy poplar” (pp. 7-8).

Despite all this radiant beauty--and as one might expect for reconstructed ruins from the era of Spanish colonialism--the estate is believed to be cursed, at least by “the superstitious peons who built the walls” (p. 9).  (That’s what the book uncharitably describes the Mexican builders--some parts of this book haven’t aged well, as you will see.) Two men died while rebuilding it, followed by April herself around a decade later.

Surprisingly, we learn at the end of this chapter that Richard Morgan’s background differs from that of Jean Paul Desmond. An actor himself, he “was king of the theater, and of East Coast entertainment. Their marriage was a royal one, and it vaulted both of them to new and undreamed-of heights of popularity” (pp. 9-10). It was this popularity that drove them to wall themselves in at San Rafael and use the police and guard dogs to keep rabid fans and paparazzi away--which, ultimately, didn’t work and only led to “a new wave of interest and snooping” (p. 10).

Chapter 2

Here we meet Richard’s sister Lisa, who is...well...quite an interesting character. She’s a beautiful woman with short hair, a deep voice, and--most importantly--an unusual, creepy level of attachment to her brother.

Cersei Lannister Lisa Morgan.

Lisa has just received a phone call from the Philippines where her brother is. The call has left her “literally stunned” (p. 11), which means that the modern slang meaning of “literally” dates back 30+ years longer than I thought. Surprisingly, she isn’t drinking wine to calm her nerves like Cersei above, but that’s her loss.

As she gazes at the ocean to the west, her housekeeper, Conchita Aguilar,  enters. Chita (as she is usually called) has not just worked as April’s housekeeper for most of her life, but also "she and her husband, Juan, had quite literally brought up April” (p. 13); as a result, she is fiercely loyal to the family of her deceased mistress. Here is a portrait of her:

Looking at the tiny woman with her bright button eyes, the black Indian hair swept stiffly away from her face, parted in the middle and tidily put away in a tight bun low on the back of her neck, Lisa was surprised at the sudden urge to go and take this familiar person in her arms--or better still have Chita take her in hers.[...]Chita might be tiny, but she was all steel and whipcord (p. 13).

Sound familiar?

Yes, Chita bears a resemblance to our beloved Raxl. They even have a similar background, for Raxl, too, comes from a people indigenous to Mexico, according to Episode 23.  Like Raxl, Chita is very old and has a mysterious magnetism that draws some people to her (which, in Raxl’s case, includes me). There are some minor differences--Chita doesn’t worship the Great Serpent, she uses gratuitous Spanish instead of gratuitous French, she has a living husband and grandson--but they are, in most ways, the same character. It’s clear that Ian Martin didn’t want to part with Raxl, and I don’t blame him one bit.

Also, for whatever reason, he was oddly insistent on both of them having a specific hairstyle. If you read the original script for the show’s pilot, you will see that he was almost as specific about Raxl’s hairstyle, mentioning “her hair tightly drawn over her ears to a small bun,” but less detailed about those of the other characters. Just an odd detail that probably bears little significance, but that I noticed.

Lisa tells Chita that Richard is on his way home with a new wife, a young, very wealthy orphan named Jenny Summers whom he met in the Philippines. This angers the ancient housekeeper, who argues that Jenny can never come to San Rafael

Because there is no place for her here--en la casa de La Señora! Everything here is hers--she still lives here, and will always live here. Her perfume is in every room, her pictures are everywhere, every ornament and ashtray and book I keep just the way she last touched it. There is no room for any other wife here! Oh, she will feel it, she will know it, because La Señora would never permit another woman to take her place (p. 16)!

Lisa insists that, despite the risk that Jenny won’t want to live on the estate and despite her equal displeasure about the situation, Chita keep an open mind regarding her and try not to be such a Mrs. Danvers about the situation. (OK, so she doesn’t actually say the last part; that’s just my paraphrase.) She also tries to pressure Chita into helping her take down the mementos of April at Richard’s orders, which she objects to, both for sentimental reasons and because they don’t have time to have the enormous fresco of April that adorns the former chapel. (Symbolism!)

“It was a breathless and yet terrible beauty. For any woman who stood next to it had to be eclipsed” (p. 20).

Yes, you read that right: they rededicated the mission’s former chapel to the silver screen sex goddess April Tennant. After their wedding, Richard had a giant fresco of her painted there in place of its former altar. This is a clear indication that one or more of the people in this household worship April, whether literally or figuratively. More than that, the portrait glows like that of THE DEVIL JACQUES ELOI DES MONDES, and seems, like Jacques’ portrait, to be alive, the living essence of a dead person. “Most haunting of all was the feeling that this was the woman--that she could not have died, that any moment she would step off the wall, and her silver laughter would fill the house again (p. 20).”

I’m sorry, Jacques. ;)

Coming up next: Jenny arrives at San Rafael and tries to adjust to living on an estate where almost everyone but Richard acts like they hate her.

{ Next: Part II -> }

[joneswuzhere]

in anticipation of episode 4.14, i watched ‘how to get away with murder’ s1

here’s my thoughts on how rd might be playing out an homage to the show, and on what these parallels might suggest to expect from the whole ‘jughead dies’ plot

below are complete spoilers for ‘how to get away with murder’ s1, a few spoilers for s2 and s3. and also. spoilers for donna tartt’s ‘the secret history.’ cool ok here we go

- first. we’re abbreviating the title to htg

- second. htg’s plot is pretty convoluted and out-of-order, so it’s hard to mention one thing without having to explain four other things. riverdale’s format is so chill in comparison. i apologize for repetition and confusing timeline discussion

- also, maybe u watched this show! or maybe u want to. or maybe ur impatient and just here for riverdale lol. i’m not going to make u scroll through a whole plot summary of htg’s first season. BUT i did write one up here if that’s something u want to read. it will probably make the following easier to understand, but i’ll do my best to make it accessible without that

- third. like i said, my goal here is finding potential parallels and, based on that, speculating on what rd is doing with this plot. i have no conclusions but i do have some thoughts and maybe you do too

- ok the basics of htg:

- this show is the visual inspiration for rd’s flash forward hook, as well as for the murder cover up in the woods.

- the show structure is: a main timeline, intercut occasionally with flash forwards to a murder that happens at the midseason point. similar to rd

- a difference: in rd, the flashes jump to different points over a period of days - burning their clothes, the search party, body identification, then the arrests, the line up, and then back to the ‘death’ scene. in htg, all the flashes jump to different points during one particular night, and only deal with the groups effort to dispose of the body and evidence.

- where was i. oh, but there’s 2 murders in htg. murder #1 happened before the series start point. in the main timeline, the investigation into murder #1 builds up to the midseason climax that results in murder #2 (the one the group is covering up).

- after the timeline has caught up to the midseason murder, then the flash forwards are replaced with flash backs that begin to reveal past details about murder #1.

- so right away, what stands out to me is the possibility that, once the main timeline catches up to whatever happens to jughead in the woods, rd will continue to follow this format. but what would rd flash back to? hang on,

- the genre here is inverted detective story, where instead of finding out someone was killed and following along to find out who did it,, you learn right away who’s doing the murdering and how. the mystery lies in whether they’ll get away with it and/or what led up to that point.

- in htg, murder #1 is a regular mystery, and murder #2 is inverted. in rd, jughead’s death is an inverted mystery, and there’s several other regular mysteries/deaths: chipping’s suspicious suicide, the old generation of the quill & skull society, + the missing kids that jughead and betty are investigating

- so it may transpire that we see flashbacks to those missing students, like moose or the stonewall 5. or maybe context on why chipping jumped, what dupont said to him. or a glimpse into fpj1′s time at stonewall. i’m spitballing

- hm a note on genre here: maybe there’s a conversation to be had about inverted murder mysteries and perfect murders (recall, the theme dupont assigned for the class). like, crime fiction specifically told through the perspective of getting away with it. (a perfect murder is specifically a murder that resists all explanation. no suspects, no evidence)

- ok. the first half of htg s1 is the lead up to the night of murder #2. the second half of the season focuses on how participating in and covering up a murder is affecting the people involved. grief, guilt, anxiety, nightmares. strain and changes in their relationships with each other, friends, and family. again, perhaps we’ll see rd focus on this in a similar way.

- hey btw, does that sound a little familiar to u? it might if you read the secret history. we already know this book is one of the influences behind rd’s s4 plot, but i was surprised at how much overlap is apparent between htg’s plot and the book plot. i made a chart about it lmao. more on that later

- what else fits into a parallel between rd and htg?

- some similarities between characters. htg has a group of law students from privileged backgrounds who are super competitive with each other, similar to the stonewall kids. and there’s the one outsider student who gets into the class last minute, is far less privileged, and who has a tragic past and a head for snooping and investigation.

- there’s a student/teacher affair that gets violent. it goes down pretty much the opposite of in rd; the girl gets pregnant, is totally in love, suggests the affair should be revealed to the teacher’s wife, and then she goes missing and turns up dead (murder #1)

- also, unlike rd where we have only donna’s word, in htg the affair is confirmed, and revealed through a bunch of evidence - dick pics on phones and postmortem pregnancy results, etc

- some other minor details from the show that the rd writers may have reflected upon:

- a window jumper suicide. circumstances very not the same tho

- a blink-and-miss-it scene with a dog named mr. chips, which is the nickname of the film character who rd’s mr. chipping is probably named after (goodbye mr. chips)

- also, ok. the 2 murders story is the show’s long A plot, but each episode also has a short B plot in the form of court cases that annalise and her group of student/interns work on. (btw lead character annalise is a criminal defense lawyer & law professor). details worth mentioning from some of these subplots:

- there’s a case involving cult brainwashing. a former devotee is charged with something terroristic with a bomb she did years ago, idk. annalise has her visit her old cult leader in prison to ask him to help her by testifying that he forced her to participate. this backfires - she falls back under his sway, he escapes custody during the trial, and they run away together, abandoning the family she made after leaving the cult

- in this ep the patty hearst trial is mentioned - the difficulty of trying to legally prove someone acted under duress, or prove they were brainwashed. and how trying to claim both at the same time is a terrible legal defense

- in another case, a woman is charged with murdering her housemaid while sleepwalking. she resists help from annalise bc she feels so guilty. the woman says ‘can u imagine waking up to realize that you killed somebody you loved? that’s what i did.’ except she didn’t; they figure out she was being framed by the real killer, her husband, who was jealous bc he thought he was the only one sleeping with the maid but he found out his teen son was too. yikes

- there is so much cheating in this show smh. anyway,

- these subplots are interesting to compare to rd, but sort of trivial in terms of htg’s overall plot. so what happens in the A plot after murder #2?

- a catch-up if u skipped the plot summary: annalise keating, lawyer, professor, is the central character. she’s direct, takes no shit, and puts up an emotionally impervious wall that keeps almost everyone out. but it’s also apparent from ep1 that she’s really suffering - her marriage is falling apart, she’s cheating and finds out her husband, sam, is too. they agree to repair things and sam seems to be making a big effort, but she keeps catching him in lies that point toward murder #1.

- in the latter half of the season, while she’s helping make sure the kids get away with murder #2 (they accidentally kill sam while pursuing him as the murder suspect), annalise’s grieving process is a focus. there’s an emphasis on her appearance as her armor, guarding her complicated grief over the trauma of her loss and the destruction of her trust. her cold exterior is both a protection and, at the same time, a point of suspicion for police, lawyers, and public who wonder how she can be so unaffected. meanwhile, in private, she has a total breakdown.

- this builds from a parallel that’s played with throughout the season - annalise’s control of her image vs hiding or confronting the truth. like, at one point, it’s evening, she wipes off all her makeup and pulls off her wig, then turns barefaced to her husband and asks him bluntly for the truth, why she caught him in a huge lie. and the flip side, later walking around with her whole look in place, as if nothing is wrong, is part of her effort to cover up the murder.

- i bring this up bc it reminds me of something that (the brilliant, the illuminating) @bettycooperoutfitwatch​ talked about in her 4.05 post, regarding That Sweater.

- in this post, at the flash forward arrest scene, she points out ‘it’s betty cooper in disguise as betty cooper.’ which, like. i’m floored by this observation

- the persona betty originally created to conform to her parents’ unattainable expectations of perfection and normality, now (not for the first time) dialed up and re-purposed to try to disperse suspicion???? love this

- annalise and betty are very Not alike as characters. but it seems that betty, like annalise, will be involved in the murder of her loved one. i’m interested to see if rd will follow htg’s emphasis on emotional turmoil and pretense in the aftermath of trying to get away with something horrible

- oh but that reminds me, i promised a chart

- i haven’t read the secret history and i have no desire to, but i foraged enough details to be able to point out some bare bones similarities going on here. it’s important to include this bc, at the moment, it complicates any attempt to figure out which, if either, inverted murder plot rd might be paralleling at any time.

- in other words, all my speculations here about htg parallels might be worthless bc i might be looking at the wrong text. it’s cool, i think that makes it more fun

- book spoilers in here. sorry it’s small, u can try to zoom in here

- please feel free to jump in with corrections or more details if you’ve read the book

- [update as of 2/25: i’m reading the fuckin book after all, so i may make another post with an updated chart at some point. maybe]

- last thing. in htg, the inverted mystery (whether or not the kids get away with it) is resolved by annalise planting evidence that frames someone else (whom she chooses bc she’s confident she can get him safely out of the charges). the bottom line there is: someone innocent is framed for murder #2.

- and then a new development - one kid involved in murder #2 freaks out and may decide to turn the others in - leads to a 3rd death. hm (post s4 update: that’s jonathan i guess)

- actually no, the real last thing. wikipedia says there’s a subplot in htg s2 that involves blackmailing annalise and others with uhhhh creepy surveillance videos of them, some that incriminate them in murder #2.

- and then, in s3, drawn out over another series of flash forwards, there’s a character death reveal... of the guy who’s most in parallel to jughead.... lmao. and speak nothing of s6. so like, there’s definitely potential for more or continuing parallels here

- i kind of hope not though, bc i don’t have it in me to watch more of this show. it’s Very high strung, i can’t deal with it (post s4 update: no i never watched any more of this show but yes, that was all definitely used by rd)

- bonus: wait do u want some of my opinions on the actual show?? favorite characters: annalise, bonnie, and oliver. i liked the fast pace but the constant tension stressed me out. also, not enough lesbians; i kept expecting bonnie and annalise to kiss. the guy who plays wes.... not a very good actor, is he? viola davis though: amazing. that’s all. watch if u like stress. sorry i spoiled everything

[starbuck09256]

A picture in the sand

Episode Fic

Unruhe

Pictures in the Sand

Author: @starbuck09256

For: Kasey Slippin Mickeys

Rating: Teen (I did use the f word not sorry)

First a huge Shot Out to @gaycrouton for putting this goodie together. Girl you are fantastic. I can’t wait to read your fic and everyone else's! 

My prompt was Unruhe and that it should take place in Traverse City with another woman goes missing. I followed it mostly. I rewatched the episode about 9 times, which isn’t bad I like the ep anyway. Here is my angsty (as requested) interpretation.

Not gonna lie, I’m really terrible at procrastinating so this is very much not Beta’d I apologize for spelling and grammar errors. Just happy to barely make the deadline. 

6am Dana Scully's Apartment

She wheels her suitcase next to the end table. Not paying attention she swings it to far and the picture frame on top falls and shatters to the newly stained wood flooring. “Shit” Scully mutters before moving her suitcase to find all the shards of broken glass. She picks up the frame staring at a picture of her and Melissa at a family picnic at the beach from a few years ago. Melissa’s glowing smile staring back at her, she traces the pattern of Melissa’s dress remembering Melissa spinning them around in the sand, letting the tiny pebbles crush against their toes. Like they used to do in San Diego.  Melissa had been galavanting around the world and had just gotten back her smile to be with family, the lightest Dana had seen her in the last few years.  Scully thought it was just because Melissa had finally gone to all the places she talked about endlessly in the dark confines of their shared room. Scully sighs, she remembers that dress Melissa wore in a different context too, one where she is helping their mom pack it away in a donation bin. Melissa so much taller than Scully, it didn’t make sense for Scully to keep it in the back of her closet as a reminder of the women who embodied the bright color and flowy design. The picture inside the jagged frame not scratched and torn right on the side of Melissa dress. The irony isn’t lost as she sits there on the floor where Melissa bled out in between the wood slates a bullet meant for Scully, a life meant for Melissa. She can’t help feeling that the last two years have been so unfair, she is no closer to justice for her sister, no closer to finding the answers of where Duane Berry took her. Now as the nightmares have increased she thinks of the women in Allentown all dying slowly, she wonders if she is next in line. If this picture of her and her sister will find its home on her moms mantle along with catholic candles that flicker in and out of all the lives tragically cut short by senseless violence. Scully presses the picture into the front pouch of her suitcase. Vowing to find a new frame to hold the precious photo right when she gets back from their new case in Michigan. 

She’s only been to Michigan a couple of times. The only real fact about the state that she loved is no matter where you are you are within 7 miles of water. The water calls to her, always has, from years of watching her father navigate it’s depths to summers spent at camps with giant lakes that at night made you feel like you might as well be in the middle of the ocean.  She remembers briefly staying once and seeing the shores of the great lake as it extended out for miles. From her seat at the window she looks out to the expanse of trees and meadows the clouds just above the horizon. Mulder shifts against her. His head resting in her lap on his coat. It’s been a weird few months between bounty hunters and his moms stroke he is more restless than normal. The case brought to them because of the weird photo of a girl seemingly screaming into the camera. Mulder ever elusive with his information he likes to dangle clues and hints to her but never the full story. It use to be fun, this game they play him trying to get her to open her mind to the fantastic to make connections and leaps with scraps of information. Now though it just gets on her nerves. Why not just tell her the facts? Does he think she is so closed minded that she will refuse to go? She wants to refuse. Start standing up for herself more, part of her is tired of seeing these women taken, beaten, lives destroyed in the end does it even matter the how? Is the why so important? What about stopping it? Lately she feels like they are only there for the aftermath, taken to a point so far outside of plausible. She’s getting tired of being taken herself. He mumbles in his sleep and shifts closer to her. That’s the real problem she thinks, how close they are and yet not at all. While they spend endless hours together, eating, sleeping in crappy motel rooms, driving miles and miles of road and for what? to be put in danger constantly?

The larger part of her though finds it still so thrilling. The challenge the way his eyes light up when he gets a new case and they go back and forth it's why he dangles clues and hints. He loves seeing her mind work, and in truth she loves the challenge.  She looks at the photo again, the edging is distorted the colors blending together. She isn’t sure how you would capture an image like this, how the abductor took such a photo. She presses her finger down on the edge looking at the long lines on the side, a face to the far right what is that? A reflection? She wonders what the image is trying to say. She thinks of the photos of her and Melissa torn and stuffed into her roller bag under the seat. She thinks back to all the photos she has taken over the years the others that grace her mantel in tiny rows. Her brothers photo with his new wife how he blames her openly for Melissa's death. As if she didn't already blame herself. She thinks of those women in Allentown how they said they are all dying, the photos they showed her of others like them that have passed on. She has an appointment in 3 months for more scans. She joined the mufon group and has been getting emails of members passing away one by one. Leaving children and husbands behind. She would only leave behind sad plants and half finished articles for medical journals and Mulder. How would he do with a new partner, she thinks back to Jerry whom he just described as a colleague. Is that all she would be to him in the end? A colleague a good friend? There have been moments when she thought they would be more. Melissa certainly thought they would be. Melissa's’ constant insistence that Mulder was the compliment to Scully's stubborn soul. Scully wonders if this is going to be the end will he be her last? She's never missed having a lover. But lately she wishes her bed wasn't so lonely. Now as Melissa has pointed out she has in fact put everything and everyone on hold for this search of theirs, to find answers for him and now for her. In the past she has found men who are obsessed with things it seems. The latest one resting in her lap. She swallows hard, sleeping with Mulder would be a terrible idea, but if there weren't consequences because she would be gone in a few months? She tries to clear her conscience about it all, her recent scans were fine but the emails of more and more members with the same type of cancer in exactly the same spot are more than scaring her. Mulder is scared too, she now stops mentioning when another one has been laid to rest. She’s seen his fear shining into her eyes when she gets even a cold. Imagine what cancer from a lover would do to the man?  She would never do that to him. If the dedication he has for his annoyingly little sister is anything. The rabbit hole he would fall down if they were more and she was taken by the disease from her abduction would kill him. 

She thinks about her mother and father, how after his death the strong capable of anything Margaret Scully faltered. At first her mom said she could pretend for a few minutes in the morning that he was still at sea, that his smile would grace her eyes soon as he would sweep her into a deep hug that warmed her bones. Then she would remember, remember that time was short. Missy's death certainly didn't help. Losing a child is something that no parent should ever bare. She had asked Dana to give her antidepressants, and while it scared Scully to the core it renewed her mother's faith in God. That that was the only way she could keep going, knowing that her Ahab would be there waiting for a life eternal and her sweet daughter's spirit would be free. But Melissa's death had done the opposite for Scully, she has scene so much injustice so many things that make her doubt God's word that now she has become skeptical and even cynical  in so many ways. Mulder has seen it in her and while she wears her cross everyday part of it is just because it reminds her of Melissa. It reminds her to try and fight. She will fight till the bitter end. Even if that is sooner than she wants to believe. Mulder shifts slightly again and she moves the picture through her fingers. Tries to put that skepticalness to the side. Tries to think like Mulder would. Why would the killer leave it at the scene? How did he get it beforehand? Was he stalking her? She taps on the photo again and moves back to the case file, shifting just slightly careful to not disturb Mulder. 

She reads the report over and over until her eyes want to water at the dry dead air of the cabin. The sun is seeping through the light onto Mulders hair now, his features almost boyish in sleep. She is usually the one sleeping against him even if flying isn’t her favorite thing. She squirms in her seat a bit wishing secretly that Mulder would wake up so she can lay against his shoulder and catch a few minutes of sleep herself. She moves her hand, fingers brushing through his hair. She knows he doesn’t mind, though he still teases her a little when she does it in doctor mode. She sees his small smile and he starts to move. She gives him a soft smile back as he rubs his eyes looking at her with the translucent clouds shading the sun as it shines dimly on her hair. He reaches up and touches her cheek to sweep a stray strand off her face. “Your turn” it’s almost a whisper. She smiles gratefully as he moves and positions his jacket against his shoulder for her to rest against. She sighs as she snuggles into the warm fabric. Mulder pulls the shade down against the morning dawn as they continue to soar through the air. 

2 hours later

She wakes dimly to the voice of the captain letting them know they are starting their dissent into Grand Rapids. Traverse city looms another 2 hours away along the lake coast. It’s interesting the rules they have made through the years. They never discuss a case on a flight and so that time has been devoted to them reading books sometimes playing cards. Arguing over which mythical creature is the most likely to exist. Or more often than not it’s like this morning's flight snuggled against each other asleep. She hears Mulders soft snores against her head. The last few months she has been more worried about his sleeping habits especially after she told him what she found in Allentown. More often he comes in with dark circles and the extra coffee through the day has not gone unnoticed. She can’t complain though, because despite all of this he still is there in the morning to greet her, with a steaming cup to chase away her own night terrors. Places like planes offer a few moments of peace that the other one is safe, and that they are together. She tries not to analyze it too much. Tries to rationalize the fact that they have been through some truly horrible things and are bound to have some strong ptsd and codependency issues. She doesn’t want to love him that way. She likes them just being friends. She wants a bit more out of life, especially if there is less available to her, seeing all of these things over the years she is wondering what she is really fighting for anymore if not for Melissa maybe she would have already left. Is it to be flying off to save women from abductions? Is she trying to find validity in her choice to prove to herself that giving up medicine to become an FBI agent was really the best decision? Is she now leading herself down a path to have another Jack or even worse another Daniel? 

She knows that Mulder is in love with her. She knows that he has become just as dependent on her as she has on him. She doesn’t want that, she doesn’t want a world where the two of them can only exist with the other. She has become consumed by this quest of his and paid so dearly, and now here they are chasing a lead on a case they really have no business on. She knows that it’s about the picture. He sees something or knows something she doesn’t. She’ll have to wait for the drive into town to find out.

As they reach the drugstore she is lost in the sea that is the investigation, while she looks at expired film heating beneath it parts of the edging make sense, if the film is expired and the heat has distorted the edges. But the screaming that is odd, when she points these things out to Mulder he finally explains his theory. She sees a photo booth in the drugstore small and yet she wonders if the film has been tampered here too. Mulder must think something similar as he grabs her hand just as she finishes her questions to the owner.  “This film shouldn’t have the same distortion if my theory is correct.” he mutters pulling her into the small intimate photo booth. She sighs “Mulder,” she starts but he pulls her down and she is sitting right next to him and he’s smiling and pointing to the camera. She gives him the look, the one that shows she is not amused, but he wraps his arm around her leans forward to start the series of 5 photographs of them. He tries to do bunny ears and the camera catches her laughing at it. She sticks out her tongue in the next and so does he.  The third picture is just them stern and serious. The fourth a soft smile from both of them. The fifth begins to click and he makes a kissy face and her grin lights up the tiny booth. Its short lived and while she thinks the exercise is pointless the film proves to be unaffected. She waits for Mulder to throw the pictures away but he doesn’t he pulls out his wallet and tucks them in with a 20 dollar bill and 2 ones. She shakes her head, he asks the owner if they can take a few more photos with the same film. “I think the picture is the key to this Scully,” he leaves and she follows him out. 

They drive to the girls house, pictures on the fridge of a normal couple. Lost in moments together, traveling, and laughing. She wonders if they will find this girl alive, if these will be the last time she smiles. She thinks of moments when her and Mulder where sure that it was the end. She thinks of the pictures of them in his wallet. What a stranger would think. What she thinks of this closeness that has grown between them. 

He takes the camera “Watch out scully it’s loaded,” and he points it right at her but the picture that comes out is of the girl distorted again and she looks up at him confused. He starts to tell her more about his growing theory, how these pictures are the key  Psychic photography. She hates this, she hates looking at cases and having him come up with something so crazy she has to try and wrap her mind around it. She always gives him the benefit of the doubt listens to his theories, but sometimes she just wants a simple explanation. Maybe she is just burned out. It happens to everyone with all the things that have happened to them she hasn’t had a chance to take a break. She wants to talk about this more but as always he is already getting ready to leave. “He was here I think he stalked her.” As they step out into the bright sunshine her phone starts to ring, letting them know that Mary has been found wandering and disoriented.  

At the hospital Scully is faced with looking in the hollow eyes of the woman on the fridge, one that won’t be smiling again as pain and inevitable death beacon her near. The scans don’t lie, Mary is facing a very difficult road of recovery if that is even possible. As Scully stares at the scans as Mulder goes to grab them something resembling coffee she thinks of Betsy in Allentown, about those women with tumors at the same spot as Marys unfortunate lobotomy. Mulder has sense Scully's distance and luckily has chosen to back off, leaving her with the time she needs to figure things out. Scully is deep in thought when Mulder returns he sets down the coffee letting the steam rise up and wafted into her nose. It’s a beautiful smell coffee, seems the fine people of Traverse City understand its importance. Mulder touches her shoulder gently a sad smile across his lips as he stars at the scans once more. Just as the uniform officer comes in and tells them another woman has been taken. Anger boils through Scully, whomever this guy is he has no idea what he is doing and unless they find him soon she is afraid of another poor woman facing the same fate. Mulder throws the rental keys to her knowing that right now he needs time to look over the details from the officer, starting working up a profile right away. Precious time is ticking fast as she presses her foot down on the pedal. This is her strength driving fast and a little more reckless than Mulder ever has. It annoys him, how much she speeds and whips into places. It’s why he drives most of the time in reality. Because she got tired of hearing him complain about her going to fast, but time is of the essence.  They are following a patrol car the blue and red lights flash into the fading sun. As they race around the corner. Mulder finally looks up at her his voice catches in his throat. “Mary will never be the same will she?” Scully shakes her head in sadness. “We need to find this person, and fast” She nods and throws the car into park, throwing her seatbelt off dashing to the scene. They need a clue, a hint, and hopefully something more than a screaming girl in a fucking polariod.  

Just as they get there they realize that the rush wasn’t necessary, Scully needs to review the file as Mulder heads right inside to assist.  Another man dead another woman taken and nothing to go on. Mulder doesn’t find any cameras or film, in the car as he was thinking through the profile he wonders about the word Unruhe, a place? A thing? A person? It sounds like it’s a word. He asks one of the officers to use the computer quickly typing the word into a search box as he continues shuffling through 1040s and spreadsheets. Scully walks in the file in her hand, a killer like this she thinks might have been there might have been at the scene. As they argue again over the photograph she feels the frustration of the day, of the inevitable failure that might await them if they can’t find something quickly.  Mulder is ready to head back to Washington, to find the clues that have eluded them so that she can save the next victim. Both of them know that time is limited and Alice doesn’t have long, while she thinks him going back to Washington is a mistake, it’s really not that long of a flight and the bureau does have some fantastic resources. She sighs hangs her head and works her connection. It seems that for them, when they go their separate ways they form a complete picture in the end. 

 She watches as he races out leaving her the keys to the rental car as he hitches a ride back again. She works through the evening and well into the night in a small motel with a view of Grand Traverse Bay on Lake Michigan. She opens the window and listens to the water softly kissing the sand while the moonlight shines off the lakes black opals and into the darkness. Mulder calls her lets her know his planes has landed and he has been able to get a forensic photographer to help him first thing in the morning. She lets him know that Mary Lefont died and she fears that the same will be true for Alice if the construction owner has hired men off the books. Mulder sighs, “You caught that Scully, you found us a tangible lead as soon as I find something out with this photo I’ll call you it should help you refine it” She hums in response right now she is looking at a list of 300 people in the apartments next to the latest abduction. She sighs and says she is tired before hanging up. She knows that sleep will be hard fought tonight, it’s already almost 3am. She walks out of the hotel towards the Bay listens to the waves as they crash against the shore with a dullness. While the stars shine brightly out beyond the black depths of the lake she thinks of Mary, about those pictures of her smiling in those photos on the fridge. Her toes are in the rough sand from the lake, not like the sand that she and Melissa danced to in the photo. She wonders of Alice's family will have similar photos on their mantel of another woman taken in her 30s. She hopes that the station can pull up something on the construction workers, they need this lead. Regardless of the success Mulder thinks he will find she needs the tangible investigative skills of the mortal realm. She walks back to her room, letting the moonlight chase her form across the soft swirls of the water. She falling into a lifeless deep sleep while the dull ticking of Alice's life lingers in the background. 

In the morning after she wrestles Gerry to the ground. She thinks back about the pictures she has of Ahab of the two of them at her medical school graduation, her white coat and his proud smile. She wonders after all the terrible things that have happened to her would he still be so proud? Or would his smile have dimmed like that glossy paper it was printed on. Would her own eyes shine as brightly as they did that day ever again? Or had the 3 months she missed, the sister she mourned be evident through the lense. She knew the risks was aware of the horror she would face. Lately she feels as if she is facing a far more looming nightmare. Another birthday another lonely night with no prospects of changing. Mulder and her might be pushing that line in the sand between acceptable partnerly behavior but it’s a not a road she is ready to take, nor is she sure she wants too. She loves him, she knows this after so many dangerous situations, hours and days spent together how could she not. She thinks of the other pictures she knows he keeps in his wallet. The one of him and Sam, sometimes she thinks she still sees that young innocent kid staring back at her. His devilish grin when he shows her the fantastic. The way his face lights up just a little when she pulls out his favorite sunflower seeds when he was sure they were out. Does he see it in her? Does he see the young agent who was new to the field but prepared for the boys club? Does he see the same smile and young ambition she once was so consumed with that she let the rest of her life slip away? She’s getting older her birthday just passing and she thinks about the fact that now she is as old as Melissa was when she died. She thinks about the pictures they won’t take, about the people now missing from the Christmas dinners, the Sunday brunch, the nephews birthday parties. Her phone rings and it’s Mulder he booked the first flight back and is already on his way to the precinct. She wants to know where Alice Bryant is she wants them to win one for once. Mulder wants her to wait until they can interrogate Gerry together. They are so good together, she knows. The two of them play off each other so well with suspects. Mulder seems crazy and she seems scary and she loves it. She loves the power it gives her. She loves seeing justice and fear mingle together in the room. She hopes they are scared, hopes that the suspects feel even the small degree of fear that they cause their victims to feel. It is that feeling that has kept her with the FBI, she loves being the one to find the evidence and then confront the suspect with her findings. Mulder is in a way the perfect partner for her. He steps back lets her take the lead, knows that if anyone will find something tangible to hang a case on it’ll be her. 

Gerry gives them a location, and as they race to find her, she can’t help but be angry at Gerry seeing her as troubled. She isn’t troubled is she? Conflicted? Scared? Maybe. She doesn’t want to overthink a psychopaths words. She learned long ago from Mulders profiles how they use words and gestures to gain trust. Luther Lee Boggs being a prime example for them both. 

Scully races up the hill hoping and praying that they can find Alice alive, and hopefully not as damaged as Mary, but as she makes it to the top, Alices still form crushes her thoughts. She touches Alices’ cold skin, her cheeks. Watches as the CS tech starts to take photos of the scene. More photos, more death, and now another body. At least Gerry is in custody. At least they saved the future woman that he might have tortured and killed.  Mulder meets her at the car, her anger rolls off her in waves like the lake shore. Maybe tonight she will sit on the shore and cry, no one would be able to hear her sobs over the water. She wants to leave to go home and fix her broken frame try to not think of photos and sand and lives that could have been. She can’t drive and though she wanted to be in control she hands the keys to Mulder so they can drive back to their hotel and clean up. She needs to wash the failure she feels down the drain. It doesn’t work that way, Gerry shot the police officer that was processing him, they put out an APB but her mind can only race about possible new victims he already might be on his way to take. 

They look at the photo of the officer on the paperwork, Mulder is right the photos are probably the key. God who else did Gerry take a photo of? Who else is going to deal with a madman telling them they are troubled and killing them to fix it? 

Apparently the benefit of Traverse City being smaller than most major metropolitan areas is when you need to steal something you pick the same drugstore you stalked your victims. Gerry has assaulted the owner and taken more film. They walk through the drugstore one more time, she thinks of the apartment complexes on each side and tells Mulder as such as he once again puts money into the photo machine. She looks at him in curiosity, last time they went in this time he is letting it roll without them. HIs theory has developed and isn’t ready to share just yet, she knows he will explain in the car. She wants to get going, he tosses her the keys and she walks out into the bright sun. 

She doesn’t remember much she remembers her foot hurting from the injection remembers the struggle as she tries to get her gun. She wakes strapped to a chair with Gerry in the dark corner as her eyes try to adjust to the light. Her arms taped down roughly the large sheetrock tool on the shiny metal table. She wants to plead in a responsible way. Gerry knows that this is the end, she can’t let him think that she will be part of his prize. She doesn’t remember much of her German important phrases and it takes her a few moments to come up with what to say to him. Especially since conversational german was the only class she ever got a B in. Luckily the words are there, as if her mind knows to channel the knowledge buried so deep. Gerry gets up to grab the camera, she sees her chance if she can get the tray she can cut her restraints and take him out. She needs to stall, she needs Mulder to have time to find her. She wants to give him time, She asks Gerry about his own Howlers about the trouble with his father. She channels Mulder and knows what brothers will do for sisters. Her own brother would do for her and Melissa. Gerry pulls the tray away and takes the camera to take her picture once more. She struggles with thinking that the photos she took with Mulder in that small cramped little booth won’t be the last ones he sees of her. He will see her on the floor of the padded room in a weird distorted photo that will filter into his dreams for years to come. But luck is on her side and she is able to convince Gerry to take a photo of himself. The camera flash is almost blinding, she knows he is sick she just needs to show him that this has always been about him and not anyone else. The photos come out in a small series of flashes, they wait for the polarization to show the image. She feels vindicated when they show him dead, show him his fate. That justice is finally with her. She just hopes it doesn’t plan on taking her with him. Gerry flips through the photos over and over. Questioning the images, like Mulder did. What do they mean? She hopes they mean that her life will be hers again, that she will be able to see the waves and shore once more. But Gerry thinks it’s about time, that his time is ending and he must hurry. Fear runs through her body a surge of adrenaline as she tugs and struggles against the restraints. She thinks about the time she almost drowned, how it felt struggling in the water, wondering why something so beautiful and peaceful would try to take her life. How she would gasp and flail her arms in sheer panic, like now as she hears Mulder calling her name. God Mulder please please prove that picture true and he does. Thank god he does. She feels him release her final bonds reach out his hand to take hers. She feels the storm calming inside of her, like Mulder is a life preserve her around her waist pulling her up against the tide. She walks out of the dark trailer, walks past the paramedics straight to the lakeshore. She takes off her heels, the prick of the injection still stings but the sand and the wind and the waves cradle her in their embrace. She takes a deep breath, lets the air of the misty water fill her lungs up. She takes a moment to look down at her feet in the sand and as she looks up she almost swears she sees Melissa in the distance dancing on a distant shore. 

tagging @today-in-fic @gaycrouton @xfilesfanficexchange @improlificinsarcasm

[tyrantisterror]

TT Liveblogs Evangelion Masterpost & Final Thoughts

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Final Thoughts after the cut!

By reputation, I had a strong feeling that Evangelion was not going to be my kind of story, and now that I’ve seen it I can say that both kind of is and kind of isn’t the case.  The character writing is incredibly strong (even if I feel End of Evangelion has a few major wobbles), its approach to its cosmic horror conflict and uncanny monsters is incredibly interesting, the animation is gorgeous, and the plot is compelling.  It’s way more tragic than I usually prefer my stories of this length to be, but I feel it earns that tragedy and has a point to it.  At the very least, it ranks among works like Heart of Darkness and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which I respect for their artistry even if I struggle to stomach their content.  I would say it’s objectively great, even if subjectively it doesn’t always suit my personal tastes as far as stories go.

Given the two endings Evangelion (both the original show’s last episodes and the alternate ending offered by End of Evangelion) has both explore the idea of there being different realities than the one we’ve watched, I almost wonder if my discontent is a feature rather than a flaw.  I feel like Evangelion invites you to consider the possibility of this story going very different ways - if we’re supposed to leave it longing for a better version of these events, like a player hoping there’s a new game plus after watching the depressing ending of a JRPG.

 As a person who’s struggled with self loathing his entire life, this series spoke to me in its analysis of that particular psychological problem.  As the final episodes of the show take great pains to make clear, this is a show about how we understand and define ourselves in the context of others, and the myriad reasons why our self definitions can become toxic and hateful.  Hating oneself should, after all, be rather counter-intuitive, so why are we prone to it?

Evangelion posits that it comes down to the Hedgehog’s Dilemma - this (probably not biologically accurate) idea that hedgehogs want to huddle together for warmth when it’s cold, but can’t because their spikes will stab each other if they do.  They need their spikes for defense, of course, but those same spikes can also hurt people trying to help them, and thus the hedgehogs suffer alone in the cold.  Every character in this show - human and, I would argue, angel alike - is this allegorical hedgehog: they crave warmth and affection, but are kept lonely and cold by the defenses they deem necessary.  The problem isn’t just that they’re denied warmth by others, but that they also fear hurting others in the process of seeking that closeness - that they are both helpless and incapable of helping those they wish to protect.

Every character in this show has different spikes, and every character is desperately hoping that someone will reach out and understand them despite their defenses, or that maybe, just maybe, if they reach out to someone they won’t end up stabbing them in the process.  That’s the real crux of this two-fold problem: people hate themselves both because they have been denied both love and the act of giving love to others in turn, all while knowing deep down that they are the reason they have these damn spikes in the first place.

And yes, I extend this to the monsters as well.  While most of the angels in this series are destructive and openly antagonistic , three actually try to communicate with humanity in their “attacks.”  The first two are unsuccessful because the humans are incapable of understanding them, but the third actually manages to speak humanity’s language.  He expresses regret at the fact that angels and humans can’t coexist, and even urges Shinji to destroy him because it’s the only way Shinji can live - and the angel, despite knowing it means his death, prefers the idea of Shinji surviving their conflict.  While we ultimately don’t learn enough about the angels to say anything concrete about their motives, the glimpse that Kaworu gives into their psyche paints them in a similarly depressing light as humanity.  They lash out with their figurative (and sometimes literal) spikes not because they hate humanity, but because they believe they have no option.  They can’t have warmth.  There is only the path of spikes, the act of violence.  Whether they want to or not, only one can survive.  They have succumbed to the bleakness of the hedgehog’s dilemma.

I love the ending of the show because it focuses on its psychological problem which, ultimately, is the true conflict of the story, and examines it in depth with all the main characters, and especially Shinji (which makes sense, as his psycholgical state is the most detailed and well developed of the entire cast).  In the final episode, Shinji finds the solution to the hedgehog’s dilemma that no one else was brave enough to come to.  He realizes that, yes, it is impossible to interact with others without both getting hurt and hurting others in turn - that he can’t get rid of his spikes, nor can anyone else get rid of theirs.  But as much as he hates the pain he’ll both experience and inflict, he realizes that he has the courage to try to reach out anyway - that though he may hate himself now, he might be able to love himself as he loves others, and that being imperfect doesn’t mean he’s worthless.  Despite all the pain and the guilt, despite the prick of the spikes, Shinji decides to keep trying to find the warmth that he and those around him need, because if they all keep trying together they can find it.

Evangelion ends with Shinji, surrounded by his peers, determined to recover.  He refuses to be destroyed by his depression.  He refuses to die in the cold, and everyone is there with him when he does.  It’s not an incongruous moment - for all the angst that people tend to define this show by, there are always moments, small but notable, impactful moments, where they come together.  Few people on this show are beyond saving, and in at least one ending - esoteric and weird as it is - they have that chance.

I’m less keen on End of Evangelion as an alternate ending.  Where the original show gave Shinji that moment of recovery, End of Evangelion seems deadset on destroying him and every other character in the show as utterly as possible.  Shinji gives in to his absolute worst impulses in this movie, and every other character is similarly destroyed by their faults - Misato tries her hardest but fails to ultimately protect Shinji from doom, Rei is used as a tool for someone else’s designs without ever truly understanding what they are or claiming her own independence, Asuka dies trying and failing to prove her worth as a warrior, and on and on it goes.  The most iconic scene of the film is scored with a song whose lyrics are a suicide note, which is fitting for a movie about depressed characters succumbing to their worst impulses and being destroyed for it.  Though Shinji once again gets to survive the end of the world and create something new from the ashes, it’s not uplifting as it was in the show - instead, with only Asuka by his side (who he then tries to strangle), he slumps down into a puddle of self misery.  The last word he hears isn’t “congratulations” this time around - it’s “disgusting.”

I’m not saying this is a wrong ending, or an objectively bad one.  You could argue this is just as much where the story might have been heading as the show’s ending - or even that it’s more congruous, that this was always going to be a story about failure and self destruction, and that any hope these characters could have for a better life could only be achieved by fucking with the nature of their reality on a fundamental level.  Objectively, End of Evangelion is valid.  But for my personal tastes... I liked those kernels of hope.  I’ll take Congratulations over Digusting.  I want these kids to heal.

One final bit: a common thing I’ve heard about this series is that the allusions to Abrahamic religion and folklore are purely aesthetic and have no actual deeper meaning, and having watched the series I think this is at best an over-simplification and at worst completely wrong.  Like most allusions in literature, I don’t think they work as a direct 1:1 comparisons - Adam in Evangelion is not literally the same as Adam in the Bible, Angels in Evangelion are not literally the same as in the Bible, etc.  But there’s still a lot of meaning behind how these Biblical references are used that can’t be mere coincidence.  For example, towards the end of the series it’s revealed that human being are actually half angel (or rather the spawn of a different angelic being than the angels in canon, it’s a bit more complicated than this but let’s simplify it for the sake of making this intelligible), which is why the “pure” angels are trying to wipe us out.  In the book of Enoch, a fairly obscure non-canonical Biblical text, some rebel angels come to earth and crossbreed with humanity, creating the nephilim, a race of half human/half angels.  Enoch posits that this is the specific crime that makes God destroy the earth in a flood.  Now, how does End of Evangelion end?  With humanity being destroyed and the earth flooded with their liquid remains, save for one surviving pair that is composed of one boy and one girl.  It’s not a 1:1 allusion, but it would be one HELL of a coincidence that this story is so similar to an obscure non-canonical Biblical work.

And if we do accept the allusions as having some meaning, they actually work with the show’s themes fairly well.  The Book of Enoch’s whole purpose is to explain why God hated humanity enough to destroy it, and the feeling that a higher, cosmic power hates us for some inexplicable reason is at the core of Evangelion.  Evangelion’s whole purpose is to find an answer for why we hate and destroy ourselves, and how we, like Noah, might find a way to save ourselves from this seemingly inevitable flood of doom.  Making an allusion to another stories that try to explain that - not just the Book of Enoch, but to similar Biblical stories about the origin and nature of humanity’s sin and God’s scorn, like the Genesis tale of Adam and Eve (or, as Evangelion substitutes, Adam and his semi-canonical first wife, Lilith) - is inherently meaningful.  It’s on topic, and in the context of these allusions we get a clearer view of what Evangelion is trying to say about human nature.  It’s not necessarily a Christian story, but its allusions to Abrahamic religion aren’t devoid of meaning.

[ohjohnno]

Outrageous Fortune Reviewcap: S1E06 (”But Never Doubt I Love”)

Fuck the Hongs.

Yeah yeah, I know. I’ve said this before. And when I said that the worst was over, I meant it. But the fact that this episode’s Hong stuff is not the worst stuff we’ve ever seen from them doesn’t mean it’s any good. Suzy Hong’s consistent one-dimensionality was irritating from the moment we first met her, and it remains irritating now. Even the hamminess of the acting is, by this point, beginning to wear a bit thin.

Van’s plot in this episode is a whole lotta fuckin’ irritating nothing, which is infuriating, because there’s actually potential here for more. Having gotten Suzy pregnant with a boy, a couple of theoretically interesting threads are kicked off: firstly, Van finds himself a prisoner of his masculine indoctrination, convinced that he needs to try, in some way, to be the father to the baby that will eventually result; secondly, Tracy Hong, daughter of the elder Hong, finds herself a prisoner of the patriarchal culture to which the Hong family holds, knowing that the son gestating in Suzy’s belly has just leapfrogged her in importance. But Tracy gets about one line on this subject before it all devolves back into dumb sex jokes and cattiness, and Van just ends up bleating “but what about me?” to either Suzy or Tracy just about every time he’s on screen with either of them. Tracy and Suzy end up making up - remarkably easily, actually - and Van drops the issue in favor of another sex joke. Blech.

The one good moment in his plot comes courtesy of Wolf, who is consistently fucking hilarious this episode. Emphasis on “fucking” - he’s really horny up in there, opening the first scene after the cold open by telling a clearly very awkward Cheryl about how much he wants her, and this horndom hasn’t faded by the time a panicked Van visits him in prison, flailingly trying to ask his dad for advice on what to do after getting a girl pregnant without actually admitting that he’s gotten a girl pregnant. Wolf has his suspicions about that (obviously), but he’s a bit too horny to follow through on them; he just ends up lovingly, pornographically telling Van about the night he got Cheryl pregnant with him and Jethro, and his face is truly a fucking sight to see. 

As usual this season, Van’s plot only serves to drag down what is otherwise a solid episode, although this one is a little too transitional for me to really love it all the way. It is, however, an important milestone in one real regard: it’s our first introduction to Ted West as an actual character, rather than a fountain of endless age jokes. It also retroactively makes his behavior in the former episodes more interesting, because it suggests that there was more to it than met the eye.

After a particularly unfortunate incident involving a yoga trainer at the community center, Ted is left in Loretta’s care for an afternoon, and she takes him to the video hut so she can look after him while continuing to rake in that sweet pirate cash. But a woman catches his eye and he vanishes. It turns out that this woman is an old friend of his, and the exact manner of that friendship is one of the most interesting early moves this show made.

Firstly, Ted’s supposed dementia immediately vanishes when he meets this woman, which suggests that he’s been using his old age as an excuse to, first of all, essentially pull pranks on his family (hilarious) and, secondly, to molest women (not so hilarious). But as it turns out, there’s more to it than even that. Ted’s old friend Margaret is, so he reveals, actually a trans woman who used to go by Mark. 

Now, I’m pretty sure the actress is a cis woman, which is unfortunate, but the writing here is actually pretty interesting. Ted has no concept of the idea of “transgender” - he’s never even heard the term before - but the idea of prejudice doesn’t even occur to him; Loretta has to painstakingly explain to him that trans people face a lot of discrimination, and he seems quite taken aback. He accepts Margaret without even the slightest hint of any doubts or judgement, and it turns out there’s something deeper behind that, too. Margaret, before transitioning, was Ted’s cellmate, and it doesn’t take long for Ted to admit that the two had a romantic relationship therein. It’s a fascinating subversion of the usual prison-gay-sex jokes, actually, because while Ted does make the usual excuses - “You’ve got to understand that I was away from Rita for a long stretch” - he also seems really genuine in his love, and the transition of the person he loved in prison does not seem to have dimmed his love whatsoever. 

And that, in turn, brings us to the ever-complex Loretta.

Loretta is, at first, totally okay with her grandpa’s new choice of friend: “she’s an okay chick, for a bloke,” she says, and while that’s, erm, inartful to say the least, she is at least the only character who demonstrates any knowledge of what transgenderism really is and what it means to be trans. She understands that gender identity is distinct from sexuality, understands the prejudice they face, and is the only one to use the phrase “the transgender community”. 

And that all makes her behavior this episode all the more troubling, because the moment she gets any hint of the notion that there might be something deeper than just friendship going on here, she is nauseated. She gets paranoid about it at first, largely due to some insufferably homophobic mockery from Kurt at the video hut, and when Ted confirms her fears and tells her he’s been deeply in love with Margaret ever since she went by Mark, she’s just outright horrified. She might be the smartest West, but she's at least as instinctively, latently homophobic as Van, and knowing what she knows about Ted actually drives her to a state that can really only be described as homophobic panic.

She panics so hard, in fact, that she actually goes and visits Wolf in prison just to make sure he’s not secretly doing gay stuff on the side too. That’s hilarious, too - Wolf’s still horny as a dog in heat, which only enhances Loretta’s panic until she finally, and with overwhelming relief, learns that he doesn’t have a cellmate - but it’s a classic case of humor at the expense of a terrible person, which Loretta, once again, is proving herself to be here. 

It’s important to understand the exact nature of Loretta’s homophobia, though. Unlike Van’s bro-jokes about his brother looking “gay”, it’s obviously not rooted in any sort of machismo, and there’s definitely no shred of anything religious motivating her here (as will be made especially clear much later in the show). Of all people, Kurt is actually the one who has her number here: at the end of the episode, he notes that Loretta is fundamentally just a giant prude who really hates anything to do with sex in general, and the more non-normative it is, the more she hates it. She is, in other words, the exact kind of nerd I knew plenty of (and displayed shades of myself) when I was her age, and the exact kind who ended up morphing so readily into neo-nazis who today rant online about “degeneracy”. The fact that she doesn’t fit in with her hypersexual age cohort drives her to bitterly hate sex by proxy, which in turn has the effect of recreating the hyper-prudish religious type of mentality without having to involve religion at all. I’ve met so many people like this it’s insane, and it’s amazing that Loretta is, as far as I can recall, really the only proper depiction of that personality type I’ve found on TV. She’s a classic case of a nerd whose alienation from society drives her to instinctive bigotry that only hurts those even more marginalized, and it hurts to watch because it’s so real.

This plot is only beginning for now, so nothing of this actually concludes this episode. The same can’t be said for Pascalle’s plot, which is a continuation of what happened last episode. Judd’s sidekick really did love what he saw at the club that night, and that, of course, turns into something utterly unhealthy.The first sign that something is amiss is Pascalle getting a bunch of anonymous flowers, together with a message to meet a mystery someone in a park; when the mystery someone is revealed to be the sidekick (who goes, tragically, by the name Glen Hickey), it all takes a turn for the worse. Hickey ends up stalking Pascalle, endlessly trying to convince her that he’s a “nice guy” while doing things like appearing at random while she’s hanging up washing, getting dragged out of the strip club for getting too close to her, and masturbating to her modelling posters in the car while sitting opposite the West house. (Did I mention that Pascalle finally got her first modelling gig? She did! It ain’t much - just advertising for tyres - but yeah, you go, girl!)

This, alas, cannot end well. Pascalle can’t go to Cheryl for help, because Cheryl still doesn’t know she strips. She can go to Van - who doesn’t know either, but is too stupid to ask questions - but doing so is a big mistake; Van’s attempt at revenge is so hamfistedly stupid that it ends up alerting Cheryl to the whole thing, which creates a bit of a sticky situation for a whole bunch of people.

For a start, it really brings out the fucking asshole in Judd, who goes full Boys Club mode in defense of Hickey. When Cheryl has Jethro file an official complaint against him, Judd begs with her not to “ruin the career of a young cop” over “a rush of blood to the head”; Cheryl is, quite correctly, aghast, but he gets the upper hand when he finally reveals to her that Pascalle has started stripping. And just like that, we run up against the limits of Cheryl’s feminism; she goes from insisting that “how Pascalle dresses got nothing to fucking do with it” to being really rather furious with Pascalle, partly for lying (fair enough) and partly for nearly getting Van arrested (also fair enough) but also partly just because she is morally opposed to stripping in general, and seems to feel that Pascalle has brought shame upon the family. She’s so opposed, in fact, that she pressures Pascalle into leaving the club, and while Pascalle’s experience with being stalked has definitely put a bit of a puncture in her enjoyment of the job it still feels a little sad. She also drops the complaint against Hickey, although only after she’s received official assurances that he’s gonna get counseling and stay away from Pascalle in the future. 

It’s disappointing, but in terms of Pascalle’s wellbeing, it might end up being for the best. This little plot was a fascinating exploration into the complexities of women’s sexual liberation; on the one hand, Pascalle loved it and seemed to feel fulfilled doing it, but on the other hand one man just couldn’t keep it in his pants and ended up making her feel very unsafe. And then, of course, she was the one blamed for it, and she effectively had to take the punishment. Hardly the first time, eh?

What else is there? Well, Van’s mate Munter has been an increasing presence in these last couple of episodes, although he hasn’t done anything that’s actually affected the plot. He’s just been tagging along, usually getting high with Van, displaying that Maori accent. Jethro appears briefly, and for all his smugness and assholishness he does manage to reveal to Van just how much damage his overly insecure definition of his own masculinity is doing to him; he did, indeed, do “tongue stuff” with Tracy when he had sex with her, and he also “listened”, both of which are concepts Van finds almost impossible to imagine, which in turn means he knows he’ll never be able to satisfy Tracy if they ever do hook up again (which he eventually tries anyway, ‘cos he’s an idiot). Jethro’s a scumbag in many ways, but his embrace of metrosexuality - the idea that maybe, just maybe, the feelings of the woman might matter, both during sex and afterwards - stands in stark contrast to Van, who seems basically sexually skilled but nonetheless views his conquests as a matter of bragging rights and little else.

The next episode follows directly on from this one, and, as I recall, contains some really interesting stuff. ‘Til next time!

[isabellaofparma]

once again love is only real in the tragic cold case episode

[huntertales]

Part Four: Are You There God? It’s Me, Y/N. (Remember The Titans S08E16)

Episode Summary: Sam, Dean and the reader are stumped when they investigate a possible zombie case where an amnesiac man, simply known as Shane, dies and then revives himself once a day. After Shane is attacked by the goddess Artemis, the reader and the Winchesters realize he’s not a zombie but instead a God, more specifically, Prometheus. Warning: Good, old angst.  Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader. Word Count: 7,912.

Previous Part | Supernatural Rewrite Masterlist

Please Note: Yes, this is a repost. But the ending is vastly different from the previous version I had up. Cleared up some things to make the overall plot more understandable and edited some stuff around for your reading pleasure! 

You suppose that you accomplished what you set out to do on the hunt. Oliver was free from the curse he inherited from his father, allowing him and Haley to go on and live a peaceful life. After who knows how many centuries of suffering an inhumane punishment given by Zeus himself, Prometheus was put to rest once and for all. At this point, when you and the boys were on your way back home, this was your chance to relish in your accomplishment and feel a little bit good from what you were able to do. But you couldn’t do that tonight.

Instead you stared out the backseat window and watched as the nighttime scenery passed you by, wondering why you felt a knot in your stomach. Like you were guilty over something. It didn’t take much brain power for you to figure out exactly.

“Well, here’s to that crazy little wild card called love.” Dean’s voice broke your concentration away from the window and pulled you back into reality, making you look straight forward. The fast food smell from the burgers that Dean suggested all of you should treat yourselves to make your stomach feel a bit queasy. It seemed your body was starting to disagree once again with meat. You didn't say anything about it. He handed off the wrapped up burger to his brother, curious about the man's bold tactic that ended up saving your lives. "How did you know Artemis had the hots for Prometheus, anyway?"

“Intuition.” Sam guessed, chuckling to himself about how stupid he might have been. “Luck.”

“Yeah, well, whatever it worked...pretty much.” Dean said, deciding to look at the silver lining of how all of this ended out. “At least the kid’s all right.”

You looked down at your lap from what you heard him say, knowing you were feeling something very different at the moment. You began to play with a loose string on the end of your shirt, letting it twirl around your finger until the thread was wrapped around your skin, tight enough to dig into your flesh. You tugged on the thread, using only a little bit of force before it broke.

"You know..." You spoke up for the first time since getting into the car. The boys hadn't been off about your quiet behavior, presuming it was because you were tired from the long hunt. And in a way, you were starting to. You were tired of holding up this idea that everything was okay. You needed to get this thought off your chest before you pushed yourself into a head space that you couldn't go back from. "I'm starting to think maybe I was being naive."

“What are you talking about?” Dean asked.

“When I said that I could just will myself into coming out of these trials unscathed.” You muttered the truth that you didn't think would ever come out of your mouth. A reality that you refused to believe in, but after tonight, there was no more denying. You found yourself staring at your stomach, the little bump that you had been gushing about since the first time you saw it one morning after it appeared out of nowhere. Now it felt like you were carrying around a hostage, dragging them against their will into something they never asked for. In that moment you felt like you had made a terrible mistake. "Maybe having this baby was a bad idea."

“No, no, no.” Dean realized what was going on here. Before you could go on anymore about this kind of nonsense that felt like it was coming out of nowhere, he stopped you from put somehow scaring yourself even more into a frame of mind he might not be able to pull you back out from. You couldn't get cold feet this far into your pregnancy and doing the trials. You were in the middle of the race with no way to go back. “Stop with the sullen emo crap, all right? You’re hormonal. You’re thinking too much about this.”

“It's not my hormones. I'm just thinking more clearly. I mean, do you know that's not gonna happen to me, Dean? Bobby, Rufus, now Prometheus—you think any of them chose death? No. The life chose for them. And look what happened to Oliver.” You said. You couldn't help yourself when you used the example that had ended in a happy ending, but you could only see it as some kind of future reality you were going to be facing. "You can't think our kid's not gonna turn out with something wrong with them."

"Hey, what's going on with you?" Sam couldn't help himself but jump into the conversation from what you were rambling on about that was starting to make him concerned. In all of the time of knowing about your pregnancy you had never mentioned any sort of fear like this before. "You were so excited about this baby, now you’re not? What changed?"

You crossed your arms over your chest and moved your gaze back to the backseat window, hoping for some kind of distraction to keep you from going on anymore about this conversation. But all you saw was your reflection staring back at you, almost like the world was forcing you to look at the uncertain feeling that was written all over your face. "Remember the case we took a few weeks back? With that witch who was messed with our heads and forced us to see all those terrible things?”

The boys found themselves reflecting back on one of the last hunts all of you took before the unexpected break from everything. Dean admitted to you about the the tragic memories pulled from the darkest corners of his mind that he tried not to think about. Sam had been plagued with the nightmares of the cage, along with the death of loved ones that he would never be able to shake off for the rest of his life. Your own worst memories were used against you. But it seemed the spell had dug a little deeper, turning a fear you never realized you had into a possible reality if you weren’t cautious enough. Sam was the one who asked you what you saw.

"I saw...them." You inhaled a deep breath from what you were forcing yourself to think about all over again, and to speak out loud. "My mom was there. Well, I thought it was her at first. Until I realized it was Yellow Eyes possessing her. And I saw Lucifer, too. That stupid little bastard. The both of them are in hell and they’re still messing with my head.”

“Yeah. That’s it—it was just a trick. None of what you saw was real.” Dean said in a serious tone of voice. He was trying to persuade you to the best of his ability to tell you that everything was going to be okay. It was normal for first time parents to get scared. But he felt no baby books or an article online would be able to calm down you from what all of you went through. “Our kid’s gonna come out healthy. Curse free and everything.”

"Like any of us ended up okay. Sam was fed demon blood as a baby and I was born with a split personality. And you had a baby with a monster. How much more does the universe need to tell us that this is a bad idea?" You found yourself bombarding the boys with questions you know they didn't have answers to, only empty promises that things might turn out okay. You realized that all their warnings before weren't them being too protective, they were onto something you ignored. "Everything that happens to me, from what I do, what I eat—it happens to the baby. Don't you think something could go wrong because of the trials?"

"We don't know that. The baby's fine. You're fine.” Dean argued with you, trying to knock some kind of sense into your head. “Besides, if there was even a chance something demonic going on Cas would have told you from the start."

"You said it yourself that there was something wrong with him the first day he magically came back from purgatory. He hasn't been the same for a while now. We all know that. Besides, who's to say there's some kind of leftovers hitching in my body? All that demon blood that changed me...you can't get rid of that. You can't lock me up and expect it all to evaporate." You said. "For all we know Cas isn't who we think he is. He could have lied to us about everything."

"Okay, you know what? Stop. Just stop with all of this mumbo jumbo. You promised me, okay? You promised to leave a long June Clever life filled with play dates and graduations. We're going to raise this kid properly—and together like a family. You're not welching on that deal, not on my watch.” Dean said, deciding it was time for him to take control of this morbid conversation before you could send yourself even farther down this toxic frame of mind. "Nothing bad is gonna happen to this kid or you. Sammy and I are gonna make sure of it. And if you die, it's gonna be because of something normal."

"Like a heart attack?" You asked him, your tone of voice patronizing from his idealistic thinking.

“Exactly. You're human and you're gonna die like that. In a very, very long time from now." Dean said in a matter-of-fact tone of voice. You rolled your eyes from how this argument turned out. You were too tired to keep it up, admitting defeat when he grabbed a still warm burger and handed it off to you. "Now eat. Enjoy it before the baby makes us all go vegan again.”

You couldn't help yourself when you felt the smallest smile creep across the ends of your lips at Dean's attempt at a joke to help ease the tension. Dean took his eyes off the road for a moment and to the rear view mirror, watching as you settled back down in your seat and took a bite of the food, looking somewhat more relaxed tonight. He put his attention back on the open road and grabbed a few fries that were still a little hot and popped them into mouth, as if he was trying to let the greasy and overly salty taste distract him from the burdening thoughts that were starting to burrow themselves into his mind.

For the first time since learning he was going to be a father and you were dead set on the idea you were going to be the one who closed the gates of hell, he felt confident. Like maybe there was a chance all of this was going to work out in the end. There was no lifelong consequences, no death required to save the day. A split second everything seemed okay. Instead all of it took for everything all of you worked so hard to try and believe in was for a mother-to-be seeing a Greek God having to die in order for their child to live a happy and normal life.

You were the one who killed off your demon side that was ripped out of your body with your own bare hands and personal drive to get something you always strived for, to become a human being like everyone else. And you were. But there was something that couldn't be easily washed away. All that demon blood that you had been force fed by the monster himself, who wanted you created in a way that was a big middle finger to the Big Guy upstairs. You were scared the baby was going to turn out like you were, a half demon. Another monster unintentionally created. Like you, like his little brother. Dean accidentally made one himself with a stranger. You thought you had family curse that could only be stopped one way. If your bloodline ended with you.

Dean needed some kind of extra help to guide him through this situation, a best friend to call on for when things got tough. And he knew the one person that could help straighten this all out for the best. At least...he hoped. Because, at this point, there wasn't much else Dean could do.

+ + +

All of you made it back to the bunker in one piece after the long drive to wrap up this hunt. You didn't mention where you were going when you headed in first and disappeared from sight, Sam headed off to the library to clean up the books while Dean retreated to his bedroom. He needed to be alone for a little while from what he was about to do. Dean slammed the door and shrugged off his jacket, throwing it over to the desk chair, but not really caring to look to see where it ended up. He made his way over to his bed and sat on the side, readying himself for what he was about to do. He only did this when he absolutely desperate. Dean was beyond that point. He was completely lost with no guide back to the path.

Dean sat with his elbows on his legs, hunched over with a heavy head hanging low. Part of him felt stupid for what he was about to do, the other prepared himself for what he should say. Before he let any words slip out, he looked around the room, half expecting to see the angel already there. But he was still all alone. Dean inhaled a deep breath, deciding it was time to get started on asking for help from his best friend.

"Cas, you got your ears on?" Dean asked the empty silence. He waited a few seconds for some kind of response in the form of a greeting from that obnoxious gravelly voice or the flutter of angel wings. Instead he was greeted with nothing once more. Radio silence. "Listen, you know I am not the one for praying, 'cause in my book it's...it's the same as begging. But this is about Y/N, so I need you to hear me."

Dean felt that gnawing feeling of fear creep into him again, the same kind that he had when you told him that you were going to do the trials. When you were barely showing pregnant and confident you were going to win this. "We are going into this deal blind...and I don't know what's ahead or what it's gonna bring for Y/N. Or the baby, for that matter."

"Now, she's been covering pretty good for a while now, but I know she’s starting to hurt. She’s scared for might happen to the baby.” Dean admitted to anyone who might be listening. He let out a shaky breath from everything that was hitting him all at once. And the reality that might be a possibility if nobody told them otherwise “This was always supposed to be on me. I was supposed to make sure they got the life they deserved."

Dean forced himself not to think about the possible reality that you put in his head about another generation doomed for a fate of misery and pain. He wasn't going to let that happen. "You were the one who told Y/N she was having this kid. You got her so excited about this baby and this great future all of us are gonna have. She's dead set set on the idea this kid is gonna call you Uncle Cas when they get here. It’s adorable for how she’s been handling this.”

For a brief moment Dean felt himself smiling at the memories of you over the past few weeks, talking about what you might do for the baby's nursery. If he wanted to find out the gender when it came around to the time of knowing. He thought about the conversations the both of you were going to have were going to be about how your life is going to change forever and your anxieties about trying to raise this kid late at night, wrapped in each other’s arms. He thought your fears were about trying not to emotionally screw this kid up, not if they were going to turn out the same way you did.

Dean rarely had the urge to cry, but in this moment, he was pretty damn close to it. He hated feeling so out of control and useless to the people he loved the most. "I want to make sure she stays positive throughout this entire thing. And the only way I can make that happen is if you do something for me. For all that we’ve been through, I’m asking you...You keep a lookout for the both of them, okay." Dean told his absent friend the reason why he was reaching out to him after all this time. "I need to make sure what my mom used to tell me at least happens to my kid."

Angels are watching over you, his mother used to tell him every night when she tucked him into bed. It was the last thing he remembered her saying to him. For all these years he thought they were fictional as the bible, but when he found out they were real, his feelings turned into hatred for them at how cold and heartless they were. Now he hoped the one that he called family would do that for him, make sure his mother's words turned out not to be an empty promise to her grandchild. Dean looked around the bedroom to discover that he was still alone, talking to the empty silence. He let out a heavy sigh. "Where the hell are you, man?"

+ + +

It started off with you taking the keys to the Impala without asking Dean for permission, only leaving a note that you needed to be by yourself for a little while. You turned your phone off and just drove off, letting the open road take you someplace to clear your mind. For a moment you were tempted to go back to Lawrence where it all started and see if you remembered anything from your childhood before you left. Maybe going back to your roots might help you stop feeling like you were doing everything wrong. Instead you ended up in the last place someone like you thought you'd never step into ever again; a church.

You always joked with yourself that if you ever tried to step onto such a holy ground like this you would most likely burst into flames from what you used to be...and what you feared that you still were. Most demons couldn't enter a place of worship, except for a few who were powerful enough. When you stepped into the place you didn’t catch fire, there was no invisible wall blocking you from entering. You freely walked into the church of St. Christopher, who from what you could tell from the small laminated prayer card you picked up on the way in, was a patron saint of safety. Called upon in situations to offer protection against harm or evil lurking around those in need. You had to admit it was a little on the nose for your personal liking.

You shoved the prayer card into your back pocket of your jeans and made your way into the church that was built over a hundred years ago, back when people were God fearing Christians who went to church every Sunday and said grace before each meal. People put an awful lot of effort to show their love and faith to their powerful and faceless ruler. You didn't grow up in a religious household, and you lost faith in Heaven and God a long time ago, but you had to admit humans were fascinating when it came to showing their worship.

The inside of the church was breathtaking; solid oak pews carved with craftsmanship, cathedral high ceilings that made you feel dizzy when you peered up. Stained glass windows depicting people in the bible, gold and marble trimmings that were the real deal. They didn't cheap out to make the house of God look luxurious for when they sang their songs and read out of the bible, praying for forgiveness and a spot in Heaven. You stood in the middle of the empty aisle for a solid minute, admiring the beauty in the honor of someone who didn't deserve it.  

You thought about leaving and forgetting about this all together, but your feet walked over to one of the empty pews and taking a seat down on the uncomfortable wood. You looked around to see there was not a single soul around trying to talk to the Big Guy tonight. It seemed you got to talk to Him all by yourself. You sat there for a moment, letting yourself ponder if this was a good idea. You felt like you didn't belong in a place like this. You were a traitor pretending to be in need of some guidance from the father of the archangel that was the one who created you. A wolf in sheep's clothing. You nervously rubbed your hands up and down on your thighs, deciding to take a crack at this whole praying thing.

“I bet You didn’t think I’d ever show my face in this kind of place, huh? Well, desperate times call for desperate measures.” You started off with a lighthearted joke to help ease the tension you were causing yourself. It was kind of funny, almost like a beginning of a punchline. A half demon walks into a church and asks God for forgiveness...only she spends the entire night not hearing a single word back. “You and I need to talk. I know You're the silent type, so that means I get to do all the talking. Lucky me.”

You thought using a little humor might help ease your nerves, your lips forced themselves into a smile. You even heard a quiet laugh escape your mouth as it echoed through the church, making you realize you were truly alone. No outsider or eavesdroppers to stop you from letting you have this talk. The smile fell off your face, replaced with a nervous look in your eye. "I don't know what I'm doing here. I don’t even know if you’re still around. If you are...listen up, old man.”

You inhaled a deep breath from what you were about to get yourself into, and all the things you had been bottling up for months were about to come clean. “I don't know if You still keep tabs on us, but I went on a little vacation because I thought I needed some time away. Constantly being used can do that to a girl. And I bet You wanted some time away too...people are always bugging You, asking for help for their stupidest problems.” You tried once again to make light of this situation, but this time, you felt even more stupid.

“When I came back into my own head space...I discovered the people I knew went through some pretty bad stuff. They went up against some pretty nasty monsters from back in the day. Sammy had to deal with the aftermath of the cage without me while I got a free pass. And if that wasn't bad enough, I even lost someone really important to me.” You went on, your heart feeling heavy at the memory you didn’t have. “I bet You know who Bobby Singer is. Drunk hunter with a dirty trucker hat. Probably is in heaven watching ‘Tori and Dean.’”

You felt your lips stretch into a real kind of smile at the memory of Bobby, the only father figure in your life for years. Saved your ass more times than you could count, gave you advice when you never asked for it. Gave you a shoulder to cry on when you needed it the most. Who died thinking you were as well. Your face began to sink downwards. “Point is, when I left things went to hell. Dean got sent to purgatory with Cas. Sam abandoned everything he knew for some girl. Even though we all found our way back together...things haven’t been the same. The boys are part of the reason why I’m here.”

You tapped your foot against the floor and looked around the church once again, feeling a bit nervous that someone was going to catch you. You looked over your shoulder, reassuring yourself that you were still alone. "I know I'm not Your child. And I’m not a good person for the things I did. But I was hoping You could look past all of that. Maybe the both of us could start off on a fresh page. What do You say?” You looked around the church again, your heart sinking when you noticed that you were still by yourself. Not sure what else you expected.

You shoved a hand inside your jean pocket to pull out something you hadn't touched in a few years after you found out shortly after coming back from your hiatus. It was still buried in the bottom of your duffel bag with all of your clothes, safely tucked away and gone unnoticed. You dangled the leather rope in the air, letting the amulet swing back and forth. The necklace that Sam had given to Dean one Christmas when they were younger, the same one you fetched out of the trash after Dean threw it away when the trail to find God went cold. The only thing that could tell if He was in the building. You brought it here in hopes tonight you would get His attention that you were serious. You were at the end of your rope.

“I'm here because I just needed someone to listen to me. I've got a lot on my plate right now. I'm pregnant with Dean's kid. Bet You didn't see that one coming. Your little match made in hell turned out alright. By the way, I'm closing the gates of hell. Bet it sounds like I've got my crap together.” You said, giving God an update on what you’d been up to over the past few months. “I thought I did. Thought I was gonna kick these trials in the ass and have this kid. Do everything our parents never did, and live happily ever after Fooled myself for a while...even got Dean on board. And he's a stubborn bastard."

For the past several weeks since you started the first trial, maybe since you found out you were pregnant, you put on this facade that you were okay. You were confident that things were going to work out all right. Now you found yourself feeling like you had made a regretful choice that was going to ruin your life forever. You hung your head low and stared at your little bump that was starting to give you conflicting emotions about what you should feel. You were happy to have this new beginning when found out, now you wondered if you made a mistake.

Your mother had been dead for sixteen years, and in this moment, you'd do anything to hear her voice. To feel her arms wrap around your body into the hugs she would give you when you were feeling sad, and tell you in a calming voice that everything was going to be okay. You closed your eyes for a moment to pretend. Hell, you'd settle for anyone to tell you that you were doing the right thing. You sniffled down the urge to let yourself break down just yet. There was more things you still needed to tell Him.

"I don't know why I'm telling You any of this. You take the award for Crappy Parent since the beginning of time. You left everyone when we needed You the most. I could sit here for hours and rip you apart for what you did to us. But I’m not. Because I have a favor to ask of you.” You said, deciding not to beat around the bush anymore. And let yourself finally feel the emotions you had been trying to fight off. "I'm here because I'm pregnant. I'm doing the trials to close the gates of hell. And I realized....I’m terrified for what the hell I’ve gotten myself into.”

People always said that God only gave you much as you could handle. Your parents were an infertile hunter and a Men of Letters legacy turned into a demon. You were born out of a demon deal that somehow turned you into a pawn to break free the Devil from the cage. You learned that you were born as a half demon that took control of your own body a few times before, then ripped out by an Angel of the Lord and the King of Hell. You lost count how many times you were tortured. You'd been to Hell and the cage. You died countless times…

But sitting here in this church, four months pregnant with your first child and talking to God—of all the people in this entire world—was where you felt the most vulnerable in your entire life.

You came here tonight for some kind of miracle. You heard so many people that it could happen if you pray hard enough. People told you He was real. The few angels that had met Him told you He was real. You might not be a child of God, but you were hopeful He'd take a few minutes to help you. "I know I'm in no position to ask you for guidance. But I don't know where else to turn."

You felt your head slump down and your body felt heavy from the sudden rush of fear that hit you like a ton of bricks. You were still trying to figure out this new motherly instinct that came after you found out you were pregnant. But you knew fear when you felt it, and this was it. The raw, gut wrenching emotion that haunted wherever you tried to go. Clouding your mind with nightmares that you couldn't shake off, no matter how many times you told yourself that you were trying your hardest. Parents always did their best to make sure their child got the life they deserved, the kind they were never given to when they were growing up.

For the longest time you hated your mother for what she put you through, John was no exception to how he decided to raise his children. The more you learned about your father and Mary, the more you realized they weren’t great as people thought they were. But, much as you resented the people who raised you, you had to admit one thing. They did their damn hardest to provide you with a life they never had. All of them tried to keep you safe, whether that be sheltering you from all kinds of evil. Or training you to fight the monsters before they could hurt you. They tried. And you were trying, too.

You were trying to make sure your child was going to have the safer, better life you never did. You weren't going to be controlling as your mother, and you'd never abandon your child the way John did to his boys. You gave them both so much slack, but here you were, realizing that it was harder than you thought. You felt like you were going to lose everything you worked so hard to get. The cycle that you were trying to break wasn’t going to end with you, but carry onto the next generation. You were going to fail as a parent before the child even got here.

"Can you please make sure my baby stays okay? " Your head slowly rose itself up and stared at the ceiling above, as if this was a better position to talk to Him. You found yourself pleading to someone that you've never met before, who turned His back on you when you needed Him the most. You didn’t know what else to do. You didn’t have anyone else to turn to.

You sat in the pew with your hands in your lap and your hands around the necklace like a set of rosary beads, waiting for any kind of reaction from the amulet. Cas mentioned that it burned bright when God was around, but it still looked the same. You swallowed in nervousness. Your brain told you that maybe something was wrong. Perhaps there would be something else more dramatic to catch your attention. A slam of the door, a heavenly chorus to erupt. Anything. 

You found yourself waiting for something you should have known was never going to happen. You felt your helplessness manifest itself into the same hopelessness you felt when you were trying to figure out how to change your destiny when the apocalypse was nipping at your heels and the amulet turned into nothing more than a necklace. A wasted effort in trying to find someone who wanted to say hidden. But you weren't giving up just yet. You were just getting started. No way were your words straight from the heart going to fall on deaf ears until you told him how you really felt. And what you were really wanted him to do.

"All I’m asking is for you to look out for my kid, okay? That's it. I’m not asking you to fix the world or be a parent to your dead sons. I just want some help.” Your voice came off cold and mean, showing Him that you weren’t going to play into the silent treatment. “I did so much for you—even if You don't think so. I stood up to Your sons. I saved the world. That's got to count for something. All I need is for you to point me in the right direction. Can't you just give me a sign that I'm doing the right thing?!"

"’Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be open to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds. And to him who knocks will be opened.’"

You felt yourself nearly jumping out of your skin from the voice that you weren’t expecting to hear, caught up with the idea that you were still all alone. You slowly turned around in your seat to face the stranger, greeting them with tear stained cheeks and red eyes from crying. You didn’t realized you had been doing until you had company. It came as no surprise when you saw a priest standing behind you with a warm smile, seeming to notice you were in need of some kind of spiritual guidance. You quickly wiped your face and pretended what you had been doing just a few seconds before never happened.

“The conversation tends to be very one sided with Him, I’m afraid. God’s not much of a talker.” The priest said, smiling a little wider at his joke that was badly timed in your opinion. You didn’t find him the least bit funny, his humor only made your face scrunch up in more anger. “I think you need someone who can talk back.”

"No thanks. I was just about to leave." You said. "I realized I'm not exactly welcome here."

"And why is that?" The priest asked you. He gave you a confused look as to where you had gotten such an idea from. Everyone was welcome in the Lord's house, you were half expecting him. That’s what the bible teaches. Only if you're straight, white and male. You rolled your eyes when you heard the exact speech come right out of his mouth. "God and His son teaches us to love and accept everyone. No matter what."

"It's great to hear you guys are progressive with the times and everything, but I'm not exactly of your kind." You said. "I'm not a child of God. I’m a sinner who is beyond His help. I didn’t realize that until now.”

"I highly doubt such a thing. We’re all born sinners, yes. But it's asking forgiveness and putting your trust in God. That’s the first step into finding what you seek. You must let him into your heart and guide you to salvation." The priest said. You furrowed your brow from his little speech, which was probably plucked out from the bible. "I think you came here tonight to ask Him for that."

"I came here tonight out of a moment of weakness.” You told him, not really in the mood to hear any kind of selling point to make you join his church. For a moment you almost considered about telling him the truth about how you came to be and the strange twists and turns the bible never taught him. You looked up to the ceiling and pointed a finger above. “I hate to break it to you, Father, but you're wasting your breath. He ignores all our prayers. You’re off better with the rest of us who are just trying to survive on our own.”

“You say you came here out of a moment of weakness. But if you have so little faith in God, then why are you here asking for His help?” The priest’s question took you off guard from how blunt he was being, asking for the truth without even trying to engage you in a formal conversation. It seemed he wanted to know why. “Something in your heart lead you here. You can't deny that."

"I have a lot on my mind right now. I had premarital sex and I'm having a baby out of wedlock." You pointed to your stomach, showing off the baby bump that had been making you emotional in the first place. You expected him to look revolted from one of the biggest sins someone could do, but he took you by surprise when he smiled, as if you were telling him a joke. "What? You're not going to tell me I'm going to hell?"

"Why would I say such a terrible thing like that? A baby is not a sin, no matter how they are conceived. They are a miracle given by God himself. But I don't think that is what's really bothering you. You seem like you're in need of a listening ear." He said. "Now, tell me, why are you really here?"

"You really want to hear my problems?" You asked him. The old man nodded his head. While you were tempted to tell him the truth about everything from the very beginning, as he would most likely believe every word, there was something...kind about him that you really didn't want to ruin. A sort of blandness that would be destroyed if he really knew the truth. Some things were better left unsaid. "Life has handed me a set of trials, you could say. For a while I thought they were my responsibility. I wanted to do it…until I realized how hard it was going to be. And don’t hit me with the whole ‘God only gives you what He thinks you can handle’ crap. It’s crap.”

“I wasn’t planning on it. Do you mind?” The priest gestured a hand down to the pew, asking to sit. You slid over a bit, letting him take a seat next to you. “I was going to say that in true moments of weakness we come here. Seek out the guidance of Him. Which is what you did tonight. You say that you thought these trials were your responsibility. Why is that?”

"Kind of goes back to the whole 'not being a child of God' thing. I did a lot of bad things. Things that I’m not proud of. I thought if I did these trials I’d somehow ‘cleanse’ myself from the demons inside of me.” You admitted to him. “Now I think I made a mistake, putting myself into a fight like that without knowing fully what I'm up against.”

“Have you ever thought God wanted you to be the one who did these so called trials? He has a plan for all of us.” The priest said. He had you in the beginning, but when you heard him hit you with the cheesy speech, you had to look away and roll your eyes in annoyance. “Even for those who don’t believe they are His children. Perhaps this is His way of guiding you on the path to redemption. Have you ever considered that? He might be a silent God, but he listens. And He watches out for those who want to repent for their sins.”

You couldn't help yourself when you laughed off his cliched way of thinking from the scripture he must have read over and over again for decades, learning every verse and passage to quote in the time of need to people like you. You were about to shrug off his words as nothing more than empty promises people wrote back thousands of years ago, having no clue of what they were really talking about. That was, until the inside of your palm started to feel rather...warm. You furrowed your brow in confusion, opening your hand slightly to see what was going on.

In the sixteen years you were in the presence of the amulet never once did you ever see it shift in any kind of way. Not even when Cas used it to track down God, only to find bupkus. Not until this very moment. It wasn’t burning hot like the angel had said, but you felt a heat that warmed your cold hands. Every sense in your body jump up at what you felt happening. He was around. He had to be. If there was anything you knew God did best, it was bringing people together with a reason why.

Kevin only found out how to close the gates of hell after being kidnapped by Crowley after Sam quit hunting and Dean was sent to purgatory. The reason why Sam didn't bother to do anything was because you were dead. A year passed, Dean made friends with a vampire that broke him free...reunited back with Sam, who went looking for Kevin. Only they discovered you were alive and reunited all of you together. Things lead to you discovering about Dean having a baby, and in return, you accidentally made one yourself. The constant fighting and seeing the boys break apart from how they used to made you want to fix them and make a proper family again.

All of the hunts you took since coming back, the people you met, the fighting...all of this pushed you to your breaking point. Yes. But for a good reason. He was giving you a chance to get rid of the monsters His son made to spite Him. This was your way of rebelling against your creator. The same way he did to his Father. It all made sense. He did hear you.

"People have lost their way and wonder why they end up in hell. It's because they don't let God into their hearts. We all can find inner peace if you let Jesus Christ and his Father. It's the first step you must do if you want to become what you seek.” The priest went on, telling you everything you didn’t know you needed to hear until now. "This is God's plan. He guided you here tonight so we could meet. It's all a sign. Let Him into your heart, Y/N. Let Him guide you to salvation."

"Yeah..." You felt your lips stretching into a smile from what you were hearing. The warmth the amulet was slowly starting to cool down, but it was still enough to keep your faith. It made sense all of it did. You looked over at the priest to give him a smile at his kind words, knowing they meant more to you than he would ever realize. "You're right, Father. I guess in a way this is Him giving me a chance to do something right. I didn't see it until now. Thank you."

"You're welcome, my child." The priest said, giving you a warm smile from how you turned yourself to see the right direction. "Always know our doors are open for you and your family. And know, you're never going to be alone when you face these trials. He's always with you."

You thanked the priest once more from his kind words that went farther than he would ever know. The both of you stood back up, letting you make your way the exit, knowing your time here was done. You felt a smile lingering on your lips and your skin still tingling from what you witnessed. A miracle, some might say. You didn't need to be here anymore, because you found what you were looking for.

You made your way the doors and stopped for a moment to tuck away the necklace for safekeeping and searched around for the keys to the Impala. You found them, along with the prayer card. You examined the biblical painting of St. Christopher carrying Baby Jesus on his shoulder. Reminding you that the priest was right. The both of you weren't alone. You were always going to have someone look out for your protection.

The priest, in which he called himself Father Marv, watched as you made your way safely out of the church and back to wherever you crawled out from. Your head was still buzzing with the magnificent words from the holy bible, scripture often mistaken as the true word of God. Farther Marv scoffed at the insult, pulling off the clergy collar from his neck and threw it to the ground. People don't know the true word spoken by Him. Father Marv knew. After all, he was the one who personally wrote down everything God spoke, back when the world was the beauty of Eden. A garden of peacefulness and serenity. He knew about the trials you were talking about.

It was the reason why he was back among the humans. He never liked sticking his head out into the real world, preferring the comfort of books. Novels, nonfiction, science. Math. Anything humans published since the dawn of time. It was only when a prophet started reading his handiwork that got him curious to step out doors, and find out what happened to the world. To say he was disappointed in his brothers and sisters was an understatement. God would have been so disappointed. So much corruption, so many lost and wandering souls. And one who lost their way, and got a little too big for their britches.

The half demon spawn his archangel brother was trying to close the gates of hell. But she wasn't that no more. You can take the demon out of the girl, but you can't take the wicked touch Lucifer put in her out. As if things weren't bad enough, she was carrying an offspring. Evil breeds evil.

These were Godless times. Someone needed to put things right. And who better than the angel who wrote everything God spoke? He was going to make sure this world into what He always wanted.

Rewrite Taglist:

@deansquirreljerkwinchester @everything-i-tried-was-taken@starswirlblitz @albot-e @supernaturalismydrug @we-are-band-sexuals@angiewinchestercas@kaylinfayezink @owhatshername1 @kgbrenner  @cleo-is-my-doggy@eeyore1988 @dakota-dream @lilylovelyxo@timetravelingginger@holahellohialoha  @quicksilver123456@natashacamillaus @lexi-anastasia @kaylinfayezink @deanwnchstr @albot-eh@yelloweyedwriter @rashinyx2002 @shellybeans @icantfindacreativeurl@becs-bunker @oreosatmidnight @bands-and-shietz @fabulousmustachesonapolarbear @clarewinchester @releasethekracko@alex-zeppelin @mega-mrs-dean-winchester@theskytraveler @notmoose94 @assassinofmasyaf@caswinchester2000 @savannah-m-99 @sunlight-dean @strayrosesbloom@that-slytherin-over-there @1000roughdrafts @its-medeanwinchester @simplyhemmings

Message me if you would like to be added!

[arthurandhispendragons]

For @quoderospero: You asked for this

Under the cut is my full list of Taylor Swift lyrics that hurt me and make me think of Merthur mostly, but also other characters. Enjoy and feel pain with me!

Also tagging @violetchachkii in case you get bored and ever want to hurt me with gifsets :)

Don’t Blame Me: 

“For you, I would fall from grace, just to touch your face”

Breathe: Honestly, this whole song is just Merlin directly after 5x13

“Now I don’t know what to be without you around”

“I can’t breathe without you, but I have to”

“Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.”

“Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fallout”

King of My Heart:

“And all at once you are the one I have been waiting for, king of my heart, body and soul”

Last Kiss: a lot of this doesn’t fit lyrically, but the general feeling is very post 5x13

“Never imagine we’d end like this. Your name, forever the name on my lips”

“The life of the party, you’re showing off again, and I roll my eyes, and you pull me in”

The Story of Us: 

“So many things that I wish you knew. So many walls up I can’t break through”

“I used to know my place was the spot next to you”

If This Was A Movie:

“Six months gone and I’m still reaching, even though I know you’re not there”

“Come back, come back, come back to me like you would, you would, if this was a movie”

“If you’re out there, if you’re somewhere, if you’re moving on. I”ll be waiting for you, wary since you’ve been gone”

“But if this was a movie you’d be here by now”

The Other Side of the Door:

“I said leave, but all I really want is you”

“And don’t you leave, cause I know all I need is on the other side of the door”

“I can’t even look at you, I don’t need you but I do, I do, I do”

Mine:

“You are the best thing that’s ever been mine”

Treacherous:

“Put your lips close to mine, as long as they don’t touch. Out of focus, eye to eye, til the gravity’s too much. And I’ll do anything you say, if you say it with your hands. And I’d be smart to walk away, but you’re quicksand.”

“I can’t decide if it’s a choice, getting swept away. I hear the sound of my own voice, asking you to stay. And all we are is skin and bone, trained to get along. Forever going with the flow, but you’re friction.”

This Love: Actually, fuck this song because it’s gonna make me cry. Literally post 5x13 until Arthur comes back

“Clear blue water, high tide, came and brought you in...current swept you out again, and you were just gone and gone, gone and gone.”

“In silent screams, in wildest dreams, I never dreamed of this.”

“Your smile, my ghost, I fell to my knees”

“These hands had to let it go free and this love came back to me”

Stay Beautiful:

“If you and I are a story that never gets told, if what you are is a daydream I never get to hold, at least you’ll know.”

You Belong With Me:

“Been here all along so why can’t you see you belong with me?”

Sad, Beautiful, Tragic:

“Words, how little they mean, when you’re a little too late”

“In dreams I meet you in warm conversation. And time is taking its sweet time erasing you”

FIfteen: This is Merlin arriving in Camelot

“Count to ten, take it in, this is life before you know who you’re gonna be”

Superman: This song is more Arthur as a character and Arthur/Gwen as a ship

“He’s got his mother’s eyes, his father’s ambition”

State of Grace: 

“And I never saw you coming. And I’ll never be the same”

“These are the hands of fate, you’re my Achilles heel, this is the golden age of something good and right and real”

New Year’s Day:

“Don’t read the last page, but I stay when you’re lost and I’m scared and you’re turning away”

“Hold on to the memories they will hold on to you”

Delicate:

“I pretend you’re mine all the damn time”

Superstar:

“I’m no one special just another wide eyed [boy] who’s desperately in love with you”

“You smile that beautiful smile and all the girls in the front row scream your name”

I Did Something Bad: This whole song is Morgana but here’s the highlight

“If a man talks shit than I owe him nothing. I don’t regret it one bit cause he had it coming.”

I’m Only Me When I’m With You: Once again, basically the whole song

“And sometimes we don’t say a thing, just listen to the crickets sing. Everything I need is right here by my side.”

“And I know everything about you, I don’t wanna live without you”

“Well you drive me crazy half the time, the other half I’m only trying to let you know what is and isn’t true. And I’m only me when I’m with you.”

“When I’m with anybody else, it’s so hard to be myself and only you can tell”

Everything Has Changed:

“Cause all I know is we said hello, and your eyes look like coming home. All I know is a simple thing, everything has changed.”

“Come back and tell me why I’m feeling like I missed you all this time”

“You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours all I know since yesterday is everything has changed”

A Place in This World: Again, Merlin in Episode 1

“I don’t know what I want, so don’t ask me, cause I’m still trying to figure it out. Don’t know what’s down this road, I’m just walking”

Look What You Made Me Do: Whole song is Morgana

“The role you made me play of the fool, no I don’t like you.”

“But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time.”

“Maybe I got mine, but you’ll all get yours.”

Come Back, Be Here:

“And this is when the feeling sinks in, I don’t want to miss you like this. Come back, be here.”

“If I had known what I know now, I never would have played so nonchalant”

“This is falling in love in the cruelest way. This is falling for you when you are worlds away”

“I can’t help but wish you took me with you”

Change:

“But I believe in whatever you do, and I’ll do anything to see it through.”

“It was the night things changed, can you feel it now? The walls that they put up to hold us back fell down”

Holy Ground:

“And right there where we stood was holy ground”

“And sometimes I wonder how you’d think about it now, and I see your face in every crowd”

I Know Places:

“And I know for you, it’s always me”

“And I know for me, it’s always you”

Haunted:

“Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this...something’s gone terribly wrong you’re all I wanted”

Call it What you Want:

“Bridges burn, I never learn, at least I did one thing right”

Gorgeous:

“You should think about the consequence of your magnetic field being a little too strong”

“You should take it as a compliment that I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk”

Long Live: Strap in folks, this is another one that almost made me cry

“It was the end of a decade, but the start of an age.”

“All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you”

“I was screaming long live all the magic we made”

“One day we will be remembered”

“Long live all the mountains we moved, I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you”

“Can you take a moment-promise me this. That you’ll stand by me forever, but if God forbid fate should step in. And force us into a goodbye-if you have children someday-when they point to the pictures, please tell them my name?”

Innocent:

“Who you are is not what you did”

“You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now, if only had seen what you know now then”

Today Was a Fairytale 

“You’ve got a smile that takes me to another planet”

“All that I can say is now it’s getting so much clearer. Nothing made sense till the time I saw your face.”

Dress:

“There is an indentation in the shape of you. Made your mark on me a golden tattoo”

“My hands are shaking from holding back from you”

“I don’t want you like a best friend”

“All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation”

“Even in my worst times you could see the best of me”

Dancing With Our Hands Tied:

“I loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us”

“Oh, cause it’s gravity keeping you with me”

“I’d kiss you as the lights went out, swaying as the room burned down”

Fearless:

“And I don’t know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless”

Out of the Woods: 

“We were built to fall apart, then fall back together”

Sparks Fly:

“I’m on my guard for the rest of the world but with you, I know it’s no good.”

Tied Together With a Smile: Arthur and Merlin at alternate points in the series

“And you cry, but you don’t tell anyone, that you might not be the golden one”

“I guess it’s true that love was all you wanted, cause you’re giving it away like it’s extra change.”

Cold As You:

“You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray. And I stood there loving you and wished them all away.”

I Wish You Would

“I wish you knew that, I’d never forget you as long as I live.”

Come in With the Rain: Merlin post 5x13

“I’ll leave my window open cause I’m too tired at night to call your name. Just know I’m right here hoping that you’ll come in with the rain.”

White Horse: post 5x13

“I had so many dreams about you and me, happy endings, now I know.”

Ours: Honestly, the whole song

“If you were here we’d laugh about their vacant stares, but right now, my time is theirs.”

“People throw rocks at things that shine and life makes love look hard”

Red: Another one that hit me like a mack truck

“Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you’re already flying through the free fall”

“Losing him was blue like I’ve never known, missing him was dark gray all alone. Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met. But loving him was red.”

“Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes, tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go, but moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head, burning red.”

Stay, Stay, Stay: The tone of the song is very them

“All those times that you didn’t leave, it’s been occurring to me I’d like to hang out with you for my whole life.”

Enchanted:

“The playful conversation starts, counter all your quick remarks like passing notes in secrecy”

“All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you”

“Please don’t be in love with someone else, please don’t have somebody waiting on you”

--

If you made it through this, you deserve a prize but I hope you enjoyed!

[blodreina-noumou]

6x06, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Overall this episode was fine.

The Good

I really think everyone is giving such top-notch performances this season - Richard Harmon and Bob Morley were especially good this episode, I loved their scenes together. Lola Flannery really showed off something beyond “I’m The Kid on This Show” this episode, and that was delightful and also heart-wrenching. Tati Gabrielle’s reaction to Madi banishing Gaia was the perfect blend of shocked, hurt, and scared. Tasya Teles had me scared and turned on when she was interrogating Jade. Eliza Taylor (I’m just gonna keep calling her that for consistency’s sake) was, once again, a treat to watch as Josephine, and as Josephine-being-Clarke.

Echo continues to be the best. She was smarter, fiercer, and more proactive than anyone else this episode. The difference between her mercy-killing the rooted guard and interrogating Jade by using those same crazy trees was chilling and so impactful. I loved watching her cold fury as she realized that Bellamy was in danger, and her horrified realization that “that’s not Clarke.”

The reveal of Clarke still being “alive” in some form, in Josephine’s unconscious mind, was well-done, even if we all knew Clarke wasn’t really dead. Her being locked away in the Skybox, surrounded by memories of her loved ones, was a really cool and effective image. It makes me excited for the next episode, because I think it will be really fun to see her and Josephine duke it out for control. Who’s betting we get some real angsty scenes coming up, after this big struggle, where Clarke has to convince everyone she’s not actually dead and has regained control? How often do you think EJT will have to bounce back and forth between Clarke and Josephine within the same scene? How “multiple personality” is this gonna get?

The Bad

Raven’s “I haven’t [done anything I regret to survive]” line fell flat, unfortunately. Although Raven has very little blood directly on her own hands, she has contributed to several of the most serious crimes in this show’s history. She blew up the dam at Mount Weather, which forced the population to Level 5, which put them in place to be irradiated by Clarke, Bellamy, and Monty. She (unsuccessfully) tortured Lincoln in s1 to get the antidote when Finn was poisoned. She’s the reason Spacekru had to go to the Ring, and indirectly is also the reason Clarke was left behind. Whether or not Raven does regret these things is one thing, but I think most of us can agree that she probably should regret at least a few things. She’s not at the same level as Clarke, Bellamy, or Octavia, but she’s far from innocent. It made the following scenes where she confronted Ryker about being a body-snatcher feel a bit unearned (theme of the season yet again, lol). It almost would’ve played better if she had admitted that even she had done some questionable things, but that she found what the Primes do untenable even still. I love her, I’m not nearly so salty at her as most of the fandom is right now, but I do wish the writers had remembered that she isn’t perfect, and has done things that she realistically should regret. Conversely, maybe Raven’s hyper-defensiveness comes from her sensitivity over Shaw’s death. A line cut from the script indicated that she blames herself. Perhaps this self-righteousness is her way of keeping her guilt at bay.

Part of me really wants to love the little squad forming up between Octavia, Diyoza, and Xavier (and now Gaia, probably), but something about the time anomaly calling to them, and the way both women were compelled to doodle the Fibonacci sequence via nautilus shells, just felt kinda...dumb...to me. I don’t really know where they’re going with that whole storyline. I do enjoy the banter and dynamic between them, but their “mission” is not particularly engaging to me. We know from the trailers that there will be an Octavia versus Blodreina moment at some point this season. I always assumed it would be via some sort of NDE, like with Murphy and Clarke, related to the hell visions they’ve both had. If she actually goes into a time warp to literally fight her past self...that might be too much for me. That might be my limit. That’s like, too silly and too on-the-nose, even for this show.

The Ugly

This episode was so “meh” for me overall. It was fine, but it very much so felt like a filler between this moment and the next. It’s interesting, because I expected this season to spend a lot more time on the whole “they’re bodysnatchers and they’re hiding it” thing, but everything is pretty much out in the open at this point. Bellamy has decided not to seek revenge, the Primes are learning how to make nightbloods, and everyone knows exactly who the Primes are and how they’ve achieved immortality. Then the plot pivoted to the next obvious conflict - that Clarke is still alive on some level, and she’s gonna try to fight her way out/back in control. It feels like we’re leaping through plot points this season, burning as fast as possible through potential storylines. It’s a small setting and a small cast, so it makes sense on some level that certain choices are going to cancel out other avenues. But I just wanted...more? As much as I loved the scenes between Bellamy and Murphy, it seemed like the reveal that the Primes are freaking immortal murderroyals wasn’t as much of a shocker as it should have been. These people have been through a lot, but time and death played by very specific rules on Earth, and the Earthlings all seem relatively chill about that not being the case on this planet.

Emori is tragically under-utilized this season. Why is she staying so far away from Murphy? Why was she little more than a glorified messenger this episode? I really wanted more between her and Murphy, given that Murphy is currently playing the dark side pretty heavily, and it feels like Emori would have an opinion on that - any opinion. As per usual, this season is severely lacking in meaningful character moments, and the ones we have gotten have felt rushed and anticlimactic. There’s been so much plotplotplot. Memori is only one aspect of the show that has suffered because of it. We got quite a few good moments from other characters and dynamics this episode, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed for some better Memori scenes and moments in the future.

[a-man-for-hire-and-his-archives]

Ready for lift-off

Espionage thriller Summer of Rockets is the first screen work from acclaimed writer/director Stephen Poliakoff to draw on his own life, set in 1958 at the height of the Cold War. He and executive producer Helen Flint talk to DQ about merging fact and fiction.

As a writer and director for the screen over the past four decades, Stephen Poliakoff has been behind work that has amassed numerous Bafta, Emmy, Golden Globe and Peabody awards. The playwright, who learned his craft in the theatre, counts series and films such as Perfect Strangers, The Lost Prince, Friends & Crocodiles, Gideon’s Daughter, Joe’s Palace and Capturing Mary, as well as recent dramas Dancing on the Edge and Close to the Enemy, among his extensive credits.

Yet for all his fascination with the past – among many examples, Dancing on the Edge trails a black jazz group in 1930s London and Close to the Enemy is set in the aftermath of the Second World War – his latest series is the first to draw on his own family and life experiences.

Written and directed by Poliakoff, Summer of Rockets is a semi-autobiographical drama set during 1958, a year that marked the height of the Cold War as fear and suspicion clashed with the start of the mobile revolution and the Space Race. It was also the last time debutants were presented to the Queen at Buckingham Palace and the year of the Notting Hill riots in West London.

Stephen Poliakoff, writer and director of Summer of Rockets, pictured during filming

Poliakoff says the fact it is partly based on his own life marks Summer of Rockets out as “significantly different” from anything he’s done for the screen before.

“My first real memories are from this time – I was five in 1958 – so I could feel, even as a small child, the apprehension in the air, the feel of nuclear war,” he says. “The Russians were the enemy and yet I was half-Russian, so that made me feel an extraordinary sense isolation as a child. I was also sent to boarding school, as we see in the story, and was the only Jewish boy there. That was why I was drawn to this time.

“There’s a lot of resonance for us now, as Russia again seems to be our enemy and there is also unfortunately, tragically, anti-Semitism in Europe and it’s coming back to the UK. Well, it never goes away. But above all, it was a sense of the absolute epicentre of the Cold War; the fact nobody could be trusted, especially if they were foreigners.”

Another parallel between that period and today, he notes, is the “humiliation” of the Suez Crisis in 1958, which left Britain “a laughing stock” on the world stage. “Things have happened since I’ve written the piece and we’ve become a laughing stock for very different reasons, with people harking back to a sense of our past glories, which also plays a part in the story,” Poliakoff says. “This is not a story about Brexit or a metaphor for it, but nevertheless there are resonances in the piece.”

Toby Stephens (Black Sails) stars as Samuel Petrukhin, a Russian Jewish émigré modelled on Poliakoff’s father Alexander, an inventor and designer of hearing aids, whose clients include former UK prime minister Winston Churchill. The series also focuses on Samuel’s wife, Miriam (Lucy Cohu), and their children, Hannah (Lily Sacofsky) and Sasha (Toby Woolf). In the show, having developed a new paging system for hospitals, Samuel is is approached by the UK’s domestic intelligence agency MI5 to demonstrate his work.

Set in 1958, the series stars Toby Stephens as Samuel, who is based on Poliakoff’s father

However, it’s not his inventions the agency (led by Mark Bonnar’s mysterious Field) is interested in but his fledging friendship with MP Richard Shaw (Linus Roache) and his wife Kathleen (Keeley Hawes), who also introduce him to Lord Arthur Wellington (Timothy Spall). As Samuel’s life becomes intertwined with his mission, he is left to question how far he is willing to let things unravel for his cause and who he can trust.

It was Poliakoff’s discovery that his father had been suspected of bugging Churchill’s hearing aid, a revelation he first heard when a journalist contacted him about newly released government papers in 2007, that sparked the story behind Summer of Rockets,

“It took me a long time to think about writing it because it meant revisiting my youth and a very traumatic time at boarding school,” he says. “I also tend to write slightly away from my immediate family experience because I find it easier to invent like that. But, after quite a considerable while, because the story kept haunting me, I broached it to the BBC.”

His father’s work, he explains, is truthfully reflected in the story by his hearing aids business, the deaf workers he employs in the factory and his invention of the paging system, which he created for St Thomas’ Hospital in London.

“But I always saw that as a jumping-off point for Keeley’s side of the story,” Poliakoff continues. “My father was besotted with everything English; he was a real anglophile. He was a Russian Jew but he wanted to be an English gentleman, so there’s the story of him being involved in this English upper-class family who have their own darkness and trauma hidden away in a magnificent house. They have charm and grace, they entertain people, but this covers a deep unhappiness.

“My father would have loved to have been entertained in such a house, so that was what led me from that jumping-off point for the fictitious side of the story, but it’s based on the sort of things my father loved and was attracted to by English life and aspired to. The story curve shows Samuel learning that he doesn’t want to be the perfect English gentleman.”

Bodyguard and The Durrells star Keeley Hawes plays Samuel’s wife,  Miriam Richard’s wife, Kathleen

Through the first episode, the story is laid bare against the backdrop of rockets being launched and rising anxiety over what might lie ahead, coupled with the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder that stem from the still-raw fallout of the Second World War. Samuel’s technological achievements also shine a light on how industry was set to move forward rapidly over the next decade.

“When you have six hours of television drama, it’s a big canvas. The joy of longform is that you can build a complex world and you can delve deeper into character than you can in a two-hour movie,” Poliakoff says. “It’s great to try to be ambitious when you’re given that length of screen time.”

Helen Flint, MD of Little Island Productions and Poliakoff’s long-time producing partner, admits the writer’s outlines need very little development as they are often fully formed, “very detailed and very ambitious” by the time she becomes involved.

“The thing is to identify where and how you’re actually going to make it happen,” she says. “Both of us have been around far too long. Therefore, between us and the heads of department, we can work out how to put this on the screen, which is our craft.”

With all of Poliakoff’s work filmed on location, the first task on Summer of Rockets was to find the house belonging to Richard and Kathleen Shaw, which is a constant presence during all six episodes. They eventually settled on Benington Lordship, a grand setting close to Stevenage, 35 miles north of London, which is notable for the Norman keep adjoining the 17th century house and expansive gardens.

Catastrophe’s Mark Bonnar plays the head of MI5

“The other important thing was when to film it, because getting lucky with sunshine in this country is not a given – so the schedule is everything,” Flint says.

Finding London streets that could double for the time period also proved problematic, with the slums of Notting Hill in 1958 far removed from the affluent neighbourhood it is today. Another set piece saw a queue of 1950s cars lined up along The Mall, leading to Buckingham Palace, which was filmed early in the morning to avoid the crowds of tourists usually occupying the area.

“It takes a huge amount of work, more work than anybody would imagine, weeks and weeks, and then huge amounts in post-production just to paint out silly lines and stuff like that,” Flint says of filming in London. “After that, it’s all of the countryside, the driving [scenes] and the minutiae. But because we’ve got a cast that is working all the time, we have to try to jigsaw them all in, which is very complicated at certain points. Once you have those actors, the schedule is dictated by that. Then other problems come to the fore because if they’re not available, you can’t do the locations. London exteriors are the hardest, and then piecing it together is a massive jigsaw.”

In some cases, however, the reality on which some of the series is based was too extreme to be dramatised. Poliakoff decided to tone down scenes where Sasha is at boarding school, as his own experiences at school were too “draconian” to be depicted exactly as he remembered.

Summer of Rockets debuts on BBC2 tomorrow

“When I started writing it, I realised it had to be more interesting and more inventive than the actual thing I experienced, which in reality was relentlessly grim,” he says. “A little bit of that was fine, but I didn’t think an audience would stand for that being repeated in each scene. So, oddly enough, the bit that was closest to reality was the most difficult to write.”

The series sees Poliakoff reunited with Stephens, who starred in his 2001 family reunion drama Perfect Strangers, while this was his first time working with Hawes despite having known her since she was just 19. “She starred in my wife Sandy Welch’s adaptation of Our Mutual Friend 20 years ago,” he recalls of the actor, who has recently starred in Line of Duty, The Durrells and Bodyguard. “I’ve known her for some time and we’ve always wanted to work together. She’s phenomenal in her role, which is a really very juicy role, so I’m thrilled. I think she gives one of her greatest performances.”

Following Summer of Rockets’ launch on UK pubcaster BBC2 tomorrow, all six episodes will be made available on the pubcaster’s VoD platform iPlayer. The drama is distributed internationally by BBC Studios. “‘Bingeable’ is not the prettiest word but, actually, I think my work was born to be binged,” Poliakoff notes. “People over the years have always told me they’ve sat down to watch something like Perfect Strangers, which is only four hours long. They tend to watch the first part and then they’re there four hours later.

“So I very much hope the story has that effect. It does have quite a powerful story that gathers and evolves and changes. It’s great for people to watch it in a linear way or in an immersive way. Either way, I hope people will really get into it.” - Michael Pickard (Drama Quarterly)

[gothamiteneko]

I watched the fifth season's premiere of Gotham some days ago and since then, there have been running some comments about what happened, but i'm not talking about everything about it, i mean, not like general impressions or something like that (it was such a great and exciting episode, btw, i still can't get over with it, omg... But that's another story, lol), but especifically about that scene with Oswald and Tabitha and the whole drama around it... that also has it's own issues for the way the show decided to go with it, but yeah, is not the main discussion here.

My point to walk out of my usual silence, is cuz one dear friend of mine said something like "Robin has tweeted that all of Oswald's humanity will be gone. This hurts me so much" and as much as i love Robin (just like everyone else does, i'm sure), since my friend said that and apparently is not the only one feeling like this, i felt the necessity to share MY POINT OF VIEW of what i think (and told my friend) about this particular topic, so, here we go (this will be long and i'm not that bad with english, but is not my mother language either, so i apologize for the mistakes, hope it can make some sense anyway xD)...

So, about what Robin tweeted... I wouldn't worry that much x) he said the same thing when he realized about Butch's death in the script xD but what happened? nothing, in fact we all celebrated that finally Ozzy had revenge for his mother's death (i mean, c'mon, Tabitha really deserved it, she deeply dug her own grave, literally and figuratively).

If with "Oswald will becomes a monster" Robin means that he will suffer again another lose of a very important person for him (aka Martin) so he will lose his temper and will go berserk seeking revenge against whoever dared to do such a thing (probably will be Barbara... Or maybe Mother?) and when he found them, he will kill each one of them slowly, painfully and without any remorse seen on his face, then will be the same thing like when Butch or Tabitha died, cuz it was something they forced him to do, i mean, even when Butch or Barbara, or Ed or Jim (or in whoever you like to think... Except Tabitha or Theo, of course xD) betrayed him the way they did, Oswald forgave them and tried to pass through it in order to stay at peace with himself and cuz, as he always says -referring here especifically to people with who he is fond of in some way- "for the old times", so if he will "become a monster" then he will REALLY need a HUGE reason to become the cold-hearted and ruthless villain that Robin asures he will become, and even then, i doubt it, because of how the series (forget the comics, let's treat this like the legit AU from the DC world it is) had portrayed -till now- Ozzy's behaviour and development as a character:

Oswald doesn't kill without a reason if it is possible, he almost always needs a motivation to do it (like that time when he killed a man for a tuna sandwich... that could count as self-preservation... In a slightly creepy way but still, lol. Or when after that, he killed that guy in the car that insulted him calling him "penguin", i mean, if the guy would have kept his mouth shut, nothing would had happen to him cuz Oswald was supposed to stay lowkey since that moment), and loves to have the control over any situation, so he usually needs to know that those murders have a purpose (even the most tiny one) in his elaborated plans or to know/be sure that he won't need that person once again (then he will prefer to keep them alive for a while... if they don't cause him any other problem first). But even if he starts killing without feeling nothing while doing it on this season, that wouldn't be new cuz he was already like that too, just right in the first season! i mean, c'mon! he killed a man for a tuna sandwich, he killed one of Maroni's employees just to get his boots, he sat down waiting patiently and smiling while watched how those foolish robbers died for the poisoned cannoli and then he just left with the money as fresh and calm as if nothing would have ever happened, he stabbed a man right in the front door of HIS MOM'S HOUSE... and i could keep going and going with examples just for the S1. So he is not an innocent creature, he can be a very dangerous man despite his short height and general physical appereance, and is very visceral when he is blinded by rage and fear (like when he killed Tarquin using just his hands and a statue that the poor man had on his desk, cuz Oswald thought that he took his father's remains off of his grave to make Os fell in some kind of trap for an unknown reason or just to make him go crazy, ruin his reputation and make him seem weak in front of his enemies), so is not a surprise if he now seems to be absolutely heartless and behaves like an unpredictable and capricious dictator with the people at his service or with anyone in general. In fact, i personally find that change very suitable for him after all the physical and emotional damage he has been receiving all his life, after all those betrayals he had to endure from those who were supposed to be his friends and in who Oswald trusted. So, in contrary, i love how he now says "enough!" and closes his heart to everyone, cuz he is done of being him the one who always gives several opportunities and/or warnings; or the one who always trusts, loves and shares but despite any good intention he could have with anyone, he always continues being underestimated, hurt, humiliated, called names and judged by his acts and thoughts as if they really knew him or like if Oswald was the only one who is being selfish or like if he was the only one to blame for everything cuz he is the only "monster" and psychopath in the room, but not. Also i love how he is absolutely conscious of the enormous power and influence he has now, cuz he earned it all by himself, from the very ashes, from the very beginning all over again, and overall now, in the middle of the worst crisis the city had ever experienced, he is rising and climbing higher than ever before, he is swimming in familiar waters and as everyone very well know, penguins can perfectly fly in the water; so the cold behaviour he has now is not just very well justified but it is also more than necessary for him to embrace it fully, because he is surrounded by a very hostile environment, so then he knows that the desperation and the general knowledge about how he has every resource he could ask (guns, rounds, food, water, territory, minions, "muscle", etc) will make everyone to try to steal anything from him, at least once, and he obviously won't let that happen. He has always been a survivor and he knows with what kind of enemies and obstacles he is dealing with.

Now, if the writers, producers and Robin himself (and i say this with all my love and respect for Robin) want to think and believe that we fans will hate Ozzy because his behaviour "took us all by surprise" and "did a so unexpected 180° turn without any kind of warning", just cuz he is now acting like the villain he has always been, i think they will be the ones that will be surprised when they find out that nothing has really changed about the love of the fandom for our dear angry and murderous birb (is not like if he really suddenly would had went from a tender and sweet boy that we learnt to love from S1 to S4, to a cold-hearted murderer for the sake of "YOLO, haters gonna hate" in S5, pleeeease).

I think that Gotham's version in particular, of Oswald "The Penguin" Cobblepot, has a place very well earned in our hearts thanks to Robin's interpretation (he really embraced the character and brought him to life) and all the other people involved in the character's development,who have give him a complexity, a charisma, a background, etc. so well established and explored until now, that he is more than just another villain (not just in the series but into any kind of media -even written-, including other versions and portrayals of this same character, where his personality and story is not really taken more seriously, or is being exaggerated or being taken out of context or is simply not known enough by the general audience -besides comics' readers or the DC fans, especially if they actually take a moment to try to understand the characters- to make them have sympathy and a deeper and better conection with him, so he would be more loved and popular by who he is, as it happens with other characters/villains, like the Joker's case, for example); now "The Penguin" has become one villain that is also very relatable cuz now we can be first-line witnesses, so we have the opportunity to take a closer and better look into a ONE (1) more tangible POINT OF VIEW (i want to be very clear with this, cuz is Gotham's version, is Gotham's point of view) of his tragic story (his childhood as a bullied kid, his relationship with his mom and his dad including their deaths, all the very few people he once really trusted and/or loved and betrayed him or instead, in some cases, were taken away from him -permanently or temporary- to hurt him), his motivations (he does it cuz he wants recognition because he is ambicious and has always been invisible, outcasted, underestimated; but also cuz he wants a better life for him and his mom, for example; to protect and give her everything they lacked for years, aka, he does a lot of things for LOVE -an irony, considering that this is precisely the main point of his whole tragedy in almost any version of his character, i mean, the lack or absence of it for real in his life-. He is mainly driven by his emotions/his heart, doesn't matter if he is cautious and afraid at first, but after some time he opens his heart and gives it to someone in who he really wants to believe that is a person worth of take care of it... or if he now prefers to hide it to don't get hurt again) his actions and decisions (he is evil, cunning, intelligent, etc. but he is not undefeatable, he is human too, he has his flaws and can do mistakes as everyone else) that now is almost impossible to try to convince us that he is the embodiment of the worst atrocity ever created, doesn't matter how he looks or what he does, even if he never will be redeemed, cuz we all know why he is how he is and why he behaves like that (as i said, he is a very relatable character).

In conclusion, i'm sure Ozzy will always be our fav if they keep his development as solid and well constructed as it has been all this time, i mean, if they keep him in character, if they remain loyal to the story they have been telling us about him along these years (i mean, have been FIVE years, that must mean something for them, some effort and non sleep-time at least) and don't suddenly go 100% OoC just cuz they are forcing the plot to justify his villainy to the point of finally make him "become a monster" (like in "see what he did??? *insert a forced series of absurd and unbelievable nonsense for the sake of it* he is a monster! He is a horrible person who doesn't deserve any kindness or love in his life!") like SERIOUSLY? Are you really throwing to the trash the complex character that Oswald is, just for THIS? *points to the absurd and nonsense plot they throw at us*, are you despising one of the best and well written characters in the show just cuz you are hurry to end the series and you can't go before make your point very clear at all costs, of how you were always right about why we shouldn't like Ozzy so much if he is who he is, and then shove it in our faces? Well, news flash! we already knew it, we know who he is and we still love him and will always do. If we have forgiven (or at least i'm at peace with that) the poor plots involving our dear birb (like the Nygmob cockblock cuz Kristen 2.0, the stupid ending of his friendship with Ivy, the not permanent death of Sofia or the whole absurd drama and betrayal of Ed and Lee or *insert your fav poor birb-related plot's issue here*), i think is safe enough to say that we will be ok with whatever can come to us now and we will remain loving Ozzy to the very end... as long as they don't destroy what they had reached with Oswald as a character after all this time (again, FIVE years), just to try to change our minds and hearts at the last moment, cuz it was already too late for that since years ago.

P.d. Also, there always will exist the fandom to adopt this character (or any other fav you want, depending of the fandom we are talking about) and give him a better treatment cuz that's how should happen, aka, "fix what canon ruined", so the fandom will make our dreams come true xD whichever they are xD and we will be able to happily ignore or change the canon at any point, to give that place to our own versions of the facts instead xD

[sotheywrotestories]

Gotta Love to Hate

Request;

ok sooo can you do like a sherlock x reader where shes bipolar? I swear ive searched high and low for any good reader inserts with a bipolar reader but theres almost none :(( soyeah. I dont really mean like the classic “he comforts her uwu” but more like her having..a psychotic episode? If thats too much u can just do an ambiguously mentally ill reader who has the same empathy issues as him and she gets him u know. Anyway do either!! Love u x

-Nonnie

Pairings; Sherlock x Reader

Warnings; Psychotic episode, arguing, bipolar disorder, some curse words

A/N: I’ve never dealt with a psychotic breakdown, nor am I trying to romanticize them. 

Sherlock knew when he first started dating (Y/N) that it would be a challenge. With early symptoms of psychosis, paired with a tragic history, Sherlock knew that not everything would be easy. 

Early in the relationship, (Y/N) appeared to have it under control. She seemed stable with an occasional mental breakdown, but nothing major. Sometimes having major mood swings, but Sherlock credited that to her being bipolar. 

However, lately, Sherlock has noticed some changes. 

His first concern was her lack of sleep. Normally, she would sleep next to him. Not quite cuddling, but close enough to know he was there. Now, there have been countless times where Sherlock has woken up to find her gone, searching for her until discovering her in an armchair with a book. On top of that, he noticed her getting irritated at his attempts to bring her back to bed, in most cases, downright refusing to go to bed in the end. 

Of course, Sherlock had looked all into bipolar disorders when he met (Y/N), knowing full well that these could be symptoms of a psychotic episode, but he kept quiet. Knowing that asking would only detonate the bomb that surely was ticking in her head. 

“There is flour, everywhere!” John laughed. “Look at what you’ve done!”

“Me? This is you!” (Y/N) laughed as well.

“What’s going on?” Sherlock smiled, walking into the kitchen.

“Oh, nothing,” (Y/N)’s smile melted off her face. “I’m going to go take a nap.”

(Y/N) brushed past Sherlock and slammed herself in their room.

Over the next few days, Sherlock noticed her bright and cheery disposition, especially the day her and John baked all day. It wasn’t uncommon for her to go from happy to emotionless, this was normal. Sherlock let out a sigh of relief, hopeful that the worst had passed. 

It hadn’t.

Now, Sherlock was aware of (Y/N) being bipolar, but never did he think she would have an actual psychotic break. 

John noticed it first. The way (Y/N) talked to people who weren’t there...the strange thoughts she shared with John and Sherlock...things weren’t adding up. 

Sherlock decided it was necessary to approach the subject. 

“(Y/N)?” he asked. 

“Yes, Sherly?” she smiled. 

“Are you...high?” he asked delicately. “Are you having hallucinations?”

“Hallucinations?” (Y/N)’s face contorted into confusion. “No?”

“You’ve been...having conversations with people who just aren’t there. Are you sure you aren’t high?” Sherlock asked again. 

“Sherlock,” (Y/N)’s voice was stern. “I can guarantee you that I am not high.”

Knowing the argument would not go anywhere, Sherlock let off. He turned back to John later that day, expressing his concern. 

“She has to be on some form of a drug,” Sherlock offered. “That’s the only explanation.”

“Sherlock...,” John trailed off. 

“What?” Sherlock snapped. 

“Have you considered the possibility of her experiencing a psychotic episode?” John layed the idea out. 

Of course, Sherlock didn’t want to. He didn’t want to imagine that. It was a possibility, of course, but Sherlock did what Sherlock does, he pushed it away in his mind palace, refusing to accept the cold reality. 

“No,” Sherlock shrugged. 

“That’s the only thing I can think of,” John argued. “Consider it.”

And, despite not wanting to, Sherlock considered it. He considered his lovely girlfriend battling something that was beyond his control. 

After observing her, noticing the way she wasn’t showing up at work anymore, her sudden dislike of food, anything, really, Sherlock realized that yes. That was exactly what was happening. Probably pushed by her lack of sleep due to her damn bipolar disorder and the sudden amount of stress at work, (Y/N) was experiencing a psychotic episode. 

“You were right,” Sherlock admit over a cup of tea as (Y/N) slept on the couch before them, not having slept the night before. 

John nodded. “We need to watch her. Assuming this all started roughly a week ago, we need to see how long it lasts. That’s all we can do.”

Sherlock didn’t like the idea but it’s what they had. 

(Y/N) grew more and more irritable with Sherlock watching over her every second of the day. More than once turning to talk to a “friend” that wasn’t there, angrily turning to Sherlock when he pointed this out.

“He is right there! Right there!” (Y/N) shouted at Sherlock. 

“No! (Y/N), I am telling you! There is no one. No one here beside me and you,” Sherlock huffed. 

(Y/N) turned to her left again. “Don’t mind him. Please, continue with what you were saying.”

One thing that seemed to stay was her bipolar emotions, though she mainly only lashed out at Sherlock. 

Weeks passed, Sherlock growing wearier until it slowed. It didn’t happen all at once, it was more like (Y/N) was waking up. She stopped talking to her hallucinations as much, her emotions reigned in. Only once or twice a week Sherlock would wake up without her beside him. 

John was content with the length of the episode, not too long. Longer than a normal episode, but not long enough to cause worry. 

And one day, (Y/N) woke up, made a cup of tea, and went to work.

“Do you think it’s over?” Sherlock asked John.

“I believe so,” John shrugged. “But with her being bipolar...it’s just something we need to be on the lookout for, now.”

True to this, both men watched (Y/N). Not closely, but close enough to see when something was wrong. It was terrifying enough the first time it happened, Sherlock didn’t want to go through it again. 

Worst of all is (Y/N) seemed to not quite understand. She knew, of course, something bad had happened. She just wasn’t aware of what it was. Maybe it was better this way. 

But Sherlock never forgot. He would always remember the worry and pain he felt. Never again would he push away the possibility. 

It was real now, and Sherlock knew, this is exactly what he was getting into.

Tags;

@thatcluelessone @ima-fucking-nerd @embrace-themagic