#once again mad at that bullshit “god made trans people so we could take part in creation” quote. wait lemme look it up so I can hate proper

[neverendingford]

.

[preparetosufferemotionally]

Home, Part Four: You Left Me to Bleed

Prinexity

TW: Trauma, cursing, Unsympathetic Janus, Unsympathetic Patton, past abusive relationships, child growing up in a toxic home, manipulation, emotional abuse, physical abuse, a stray cat, playboy, Remus, Trans!Virgil, friend break up, trauma, alludes to dissociation, traumatic experiences. 

Jeremy Empire was the school heartbreaker. Fitting, since he had his broken first. He knew that these weren’t the only names he was called. Gay JD, bad boy, fuck boy, and no good peice of shit were a couple of his other favorites. Remy was never in one place, he was in five at once. He caused trouble, but no one could ever declare him guilty. HIs fathers weren’t exactly pleased with what he did, but they did acknowledge that they gave him those traits. Roman gave him the romance, Virgil the emo rebel, his uncle Remus lent the trouble maker, and Emile...oh he gave him pain. 

Pain seemed to be a family trait. Everyone in Remy’s family always had some heartbreak, some emotional destruction. Hell, even their cat, Panic!, had something wrong with his life. The cat was a stray until Remy’s dads found and adopted him. 

Regardless, none of that mattered. Remy threw on his leather jacket, grabbed a coffee, got on his father’s old motorcycle, and went to school. It was junior year, a year of stress and susceptible emotions. So, the perfect time to find someone new to hit on. Remy went through the ideas as he walked through the halls. Maybe an aggressively straight guy with obvious internalized homophobia? Or the gay nerd that really wants attention? Or the- 

Remy’s thoughts were abruptly interrupted when he accidentally slammed into a fellow student. 

“Shit,” He cursed. He saw the person’s tawny hair and sweater vest. Clearly a nerd, considering how many books were lying on the ground. Maybe he should help? But by the time Remy came to that conclusion, the books were already in his arms. 

“Sorry, I didn’t see you there,” the person mumbled. “I’ll just go.” The person started to walk away but Remy grabbed their sleeve. They sounded familiar. The person stopped. “Could you let go of my sleeve please?” Remy didn’t respond, instead pulling the sleeve slightly, which caused the person to turn around. Remy attempted to make eye contact through sunglasses, but the person dropped their head, avoiding it like a pro. He was impressive. “Please let go of my sleeve.”

“Make eye contact and I let go.” The person shifted the books in their arms and sighed, before lifting up their head. Remy stumbled backward. A sixteen year old Emile looked at him uncomfortably through glasses. He barely changed since they were kids, still with a face that looks like it could smile in moments.  “Emile?” Remy gasped, too shocked to say anything. He hadn’t seen him since sixth grade, he had assumed he transferred schools. 

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” Emile asked, dropping his gaze again to avoid eye contact. Remy felt all his emotions rush forward again, just like the day Emile abandoned him. He attempted to keep his cool, but it was so hard when fucking Emile was standing there, acting like they had never been friends. First leaving him alone, and now this. Emile was a son of bitch. 

Remy didn’t even realize Emile had shrunk back, holding his books to his chest, until he came close, almost nose to nose with him.

“You should.” Emile flinched, taking a step back. 

“I’m really sorry, but I just don’t know who you are,” Emile panicked. At this point people stopped to watch. It was the most interesting they’d see all day. Everyone knew who the two were. Emile would always be there with a smile if you needed help and Remy had broken hearts so many times, he was probably heartless. 

“You are a fucking monster.” Emile’s eyes filled with tears that he stubbornly held back in. Those words echoed in his skull.  Remy glared at him. 

“I’m sorry,” Emile whispered, quickly running off into the crowd. Remy watched him run off. Then he stormed off into the opposite direction. 

For the rest of the day, gossip followed the two around school. Were they scorned lovers? Mortal enemies? Did Remy break his heart? Did Emile break Remy’s? Was there a  dramatic backstory? Did the two meet and one had a concussion and forgot? Was this some alternate universe that they traveled to where only Remy knew he saw Emile? Nobody was too sure. But two things were known. Remy was furious, and Emile was terrified. And that was enough for the rumors to make their way home. 

“All I’m saying is, hypothetically, you could murder him.”

“REMUS!” 

“Whaaat?” Roman shook his head at his brother, holding Virgil’s hand gently as they sat on the couch. 

“I don’t know if you know this Mr. Mad Scientist, but in the real world murder is illegal!”

“Only if you get caught,” Virgil chimed in, petting the cat. Roman looked at him, exasperated.

“It's amazing that I’m the only impulse control in this house.” Remus cackled as Virgil chucked a pillow at Roman’s head. Remy sat silently, not talking about anything that happened today. The adults stopped when Remy remained silent.

“Hey Remy, sweetheart, are you okay? I know that must have been very upsetting,” Virgil said softly. Remy rolled his eyes and huffed. 

“Upsetting is one word for ripping out my heart and stopping on its already broken pieces.” 

“You sound exactly like your father,” Virgil snorted. Roman smiled, leaning over and kissing the top of Virgil’s head.

“What can I say, I have the better genes.” Virgil leaned on Roman’s shoulder. 

“Aren’t you related to that trash rat?” 

“Regardless, still better.”

“Alright, stop flirting with you two. Clearly your son is having an emotional crisis. And I’m shit at emotions, so do your thing,” Remus said, gesturing to Remy. Virgil sighed and nodded.

“I know this is rough-”

“You have no idea how ROUGH this is. How could he just forget me like that? We were best friends, and he abandoned me.” Virgil and Roman exchanged a look as Remy fumed. Then Roman sighed, and stepped forward.

“He didn’t abandon you.” Remy looked at him incredulously, standing up.

“Um, I’m pretty sure he did dad!” Roman shook his head. 

“He didn’t. At least not on purpose.” Remy fell back into his seat, confused.

“What?”

“Virgil will explain better.” Virgil got up and sat next to his son, one hand on his back soothingly. 

“So it looks like I’m going to have  to tell you a long story. It started in college.”

“You’re kidding. Emile abandoning me, starts when you were in college? Bullshit.” Virgil rolled his eyes while Remus and Roman exchanged a look. 

“You are very lucky I didn’t start when I was in sophomore year of college. Trust me, this shit goes back a long while.” Remy flopped backward. 

“Fiiiine.”

“Good. I wasn’t dating your father at the time, instead I was dating Deceit.”

“Okay, this is not some dudes name is it?” Roman joined in, responding for Virgil.

“No it's not, but it's very difficult for your father to refer to him by his given name.”

“Why?”

“i’m getting to that,” Virgil said, getting irritated. “I will explain everything, just please stop interrupting.” Remy rolled his eyes but nodded. “Now Deceit was not a good person.”

“That's a nice way of saying absolute dickhead,” Remus muttered. Virgil glared at him and he shut up. Remy sat up, a bit more interested.

“Anyway, he wasn’t a good person,”

“Dickhead,” Remus muttered. 

“AND his brother was a person named Patton Lugner.”

“How is this important?” Remy asked, becoming bored again, grabbing a cup of coffee and starting to sip out of it.

“COULD YOU ALL JUST LET ME SPEAK?” Everyone immediately shut up. “Thank god. Now, I had been dating Deceit since sophomore year of highschool and we moved to college together. He was the only person I knew, so I was very isolated and alone. I had terrible anxiety at the time and being alone around him made it worse.” Virgil hitched a breath. Roman came over, encouraging him with a gentle arm around his shoulder.

“Deceit could get violent. In fact, he rarely didn’t. On the outside, you wouldn’t have known it. It was so easy to fall into his trap that way. He smoothly talked and lied about everything. He could have said, ‘The sky is green’ and I would have accepted it without question. That was the type of person he was. I had been incredibly nervous so I only saw people with Deceit. Naturally that met the only people I ever saw were people Deceit trusted to not help me. So, I met his brother Patton. I was convinced he didn’t know, so I acted secretive. He did know though. About everything that went on behind the closed doors.” Virgil inhaled and exhaled, trying to calm back down. Roman soothed him, and he began to speak again.

“Then I met your uncle Remus. He was best friends with Deceit.” Remy spit out his coffee.

“WHAT?!”

“Hey, I didn’t know he was a complete dolphin’s asshole at the time,” Remus shrugged. Remy gaped at his uncle. This was quite the story to be hearing and it had barely started.

“We didn’t talk much, he was quite loud and out there, and frankly I was terrified. But one night I ran out of the dorm, absolutely terrified and in pain. And your uncle Remus was there. I was hidden by the dark and my hoodie, so he didn’t know it was me, but he was kind and asked why I was here. I said I had been hurt badly,” Virgil unintentionally flinched at the memory, trying to get back on track. “He asked who did. And I said it was my boyfriend. He wanted to get me help immediately, because despite his off the wall attitude, your uncle was a good person.”

“Why thank you Virgey.” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“I said no, because I was so scared what would happen if he found out. But he tried to encourage me to leave, even if he couldn’t help. I didn’t listen at first, but the words sunk into my brain and stayed there. He succeeded in planting the doubt in my head. And one night, when I had finally had enough, I broke up with Deceit and immediately ran out the door, not listening to what he wanted to say or do next. Next thing I knew I was in the center of the grounds running as fast as I could away. And then I bumped right into your father.”

“This is like a cheesy rom-com,” Remy muttered, before Roman, not Virgil shot him a dirty look. 

“Anyway, I ran into your father. And I didn’t really know what I was doing at the time, but I begged for him to let me be in his dorm. I said I was running from someone who was trying to hurt me. Your father was always a big softie and let me come in. Turns out he was sharing a room with your uncle Remus. He was surprised to see me because,” Remus joined in.

“Aren’t you J’s roommate?” 

“I panicked immediately, but your father helped me through my attack and I calmed down. I didn’t tell them why I was scared, just that I switched rooms because Janus had a partner who was there all the time and it freaked me out. They let me stay, and eventually, I met their friend. His name was Logan Berry, and he was a very smart law student. As it happened he was friends with Deceit. Or not friends as much as acquaintances. He was, however, close friends with Patton, Deciet’s twin brother. So naturally, the twins hung out with us. I hadn’t told anyone about Deceit, but I quickly figured out from side glances and careful looks, Patton knew. And he didn’t care.”

“Should these names feel familiar? Because they are to me, but I can’t place them,” Remy asked. Virgil nodded.

“Oh they should. Patton scared the crap out of me, but he was Logan’s friend and by extension mine, so I tried to get rid of the underlying fear. And I just tried to pretend Deceit wasn’t there.  At some point your father and I started dating. He knew I had serious issues from something, but he didn’t know what. Eventually he discovered it was Deceit and I swore him to secrecy, albeit reluctantly. Then, Remus came in. He was crying. Actually crying so we knew something had happened. Remus, want to take this bit?”

“Yup! So, Logan dropped me as a friend. I didn’t know why, but it was very painful. At first I wanted to cry, and then I wanted to rip out his internal organs. But your dad was suspicious of what happened, especially after Logan started to date Patton. He went to talk to Logan, only for Logan to dismiss it and leave. Your dad got home, and then vowed to confront Patton about this.” Virgil sighed.

“So, after class, I went to go find Patton when I was stopped by Deceit. He threatened me with exposing what happened to me to everyone if I did anything. And while I had more confidence, I didn’t have enough to say ‘Fuck you, I’ll do this anyway.’ So I listened and went back, my suspicions confirmed when Logan walked back to class with foundation on his face. I’ve put on enough makeup in my lifetime, whether it was for me or to hide a bruise, so I could immediately tell what happened. I wanted to do something and tell someone what happened. But I knew no one would believe me and everyone would just end up hurt.” Remy looked confused.

“Why wouldn’t someone believe you pops? Surely people take this seriously.”

“I wish that was the case. But I was a scrawny twenty year old trans man, who hadn’t even fully transitioned yet. They don’t take this seriously when someone with confidence says stuff, how the hell could I even think of it. Regardless, things got better for me and unfortunately worse for Logan. I didn’t see him in class a week later. When I tried to call him, my number was blocked. And then he got married Patton, becoming Logan Hart.” Remy’s jaw dropped. 

“WHAT THE HELL? ARE YOU SAYING WHAT I THINK YOU’RE SAYING?” Roman and Remus couldn’t help but laugh at Remy’s reaction. Virgil smiled. 

“Wait until I finish and you’ll really be shocked. Obviously, me and your dad got married and had you after we finished college. We lost contact with Logan, for obvious reasons. We knew he was married to Patton, but that was about it. Once you turned four we sent you to a preschool. You know the one fifteen minutes away? Then your father ran late to pick you up one day and that’s when we get to you. Patton was your teacher and your father vaguely recognized him. Your father suddenly saw Logan and everything clicked. You were playing with Emile, so you didn’t realize. Naturally, your dad told me what happened and I was tempted then and there to hunt down Patton Hart.”

“But,” Roman interrupted, taking the conversation, “I didn’t let him do that. Instead we bided our time. We didn’t want to ruin your and Emile’s friendship. You were both so happy. But everything went wrong on your first playdate at a house. It was ours and you had a good time. Everything seemed fine. Me and your father remained civil with Patton. Maybe this would work out. And then you asked-”

“What loud noises start at night?” Remy whispered, pulling up the distant memory in horror. Virgil nodded as Roman continued.

“And Patton immediately shut the door in our faces, bringing Emile in with him. You didn’t understand and were led back to the car. We don’t know what happened next in their home, but you can bet it was nothing good. I strongly suspect Patton might have manipulated or scared Emile into ignoring you.”

“And,” Virgil added, “Emile likely associates you with a traumatic memory and his brain blocks you out to stay safe.” Remy stared in horror at his fathers, who stared at him solemnly. 

“Holy shit.”

[chocolatecarstairs]

i just finished qoaad and i have a lot to say!

buckle up kids, this is gonna be a long and bumpy ride!

finished reading as of 4:37 am 12/6/2018

1. I AM SO PISSED AT JAIME! like beyond pissed. i get it dru technically lied to you. (a lie by omission. and not even a huge one at that.) but there was literally no need for you to essentially abandon her. especially after all that “she’s like a little sister to me” and “no matter what age she is we’re friends” bullshit. did you even mean any of that? or were you just saying it to get her brother off your back? honestly, she did so much for you. she hid you in london, brought cristina to you even though cristina could’ve told her brothers and gotten her in trouble, she risked quite a bit of her own personal safety and that of her family to sneak into the gard prison and bust not just you but also your brother and his friends out. but at the end of the day you can’t even be bothered to come and visit her every once in a while? drop in, say hi, ask her about how her life is going? obviously, she should’ve told you how old she was, but she seriously made up for it time and time again after you found out. you also seemed to want to be near her in idris when the battle was going on. you said goodbye to her before you went to fight, you protected her when she had to go out to the field, and you were going to go with her to save jules and emma before you saw that diego was hurt. what the hell changed in between that and the wedding? you’re being a fake friend and i don’t like it.

2. I AM SO PISSED AT KIT! admittedly less pissed than i am at jaime. but pissed nonetheless. i get that ty didn’t respond to you telling him you loved him. he probably didn’t realize you meant it the way you did. for god’s sake, he’s autistic, kit! and obviously, he should never have been trying to raise livvy from the dead, but you should have told him as much! you should have gone to jules or mark or helen or literally anyone instead of letting it go as far as it did. i mean did you really think trying to stop him in the middle of the spell was going to work? honestly, kit! not to mention you leaving! tessa and jem are amazing people. they’re going to love you and nurture you and you’ll get to be around their baby! i would be happy for you. IF YOU’D GONE WITH THEM BECAUSE YOU REALLY WANTED TO. all it would’ve taken was a conversation with ty. just one. you could’ve told him how you felt. if he didn’t feel the same way then, sure, you could’ve gone with tessa and jem. but it’s entirely possible that he would have. not to mention you at least owed him and dru and explanation or a goodbye. and, no, staring creepily at them from a distance at the wedding does not count as a goodbye! neither does making jem explain it for you. ty lost his twin. he was going through so much. he was obviously not himself. you were someone who was supposed to get him through that and instead you abandoned him without so much as a goodbye or a see you later. hmph. and poor drusilla. she wanted friends, kit, that was it. her oldest brothers were too busy trying to save the world and take care of her to have a true sibling relationship with her. her older sisters were either dead, or had literally just come back from five years in exile. her younger brother was too young and innocent to be any kind of true friend to her yet. and ty, the only sibling she has left that is close enough to her age to be her friend, wouldn’t let her in. she thought she’d found that in you! you taught her how to pick locks, you were teaching her how to con, you were beginning to think of her as a younger sister! and suddenly, when you can’t imagine having a relationship with ty anymore, all thoughts of the relationship you were forming with dru go out the window? god, kit. even if you were going to leave. even if you didn’t want to see ty. you could have seen dru. you could have told her you had to leave and said goodbye to her. told her that you were sorry. asked her to pass the message along to ty. making jem do it was weak, and you know it. i want to be happy for you, but you’re making it really freaking hard.

3. can we talk about the parabatai curse for a second? first things first, the heavenly fire! i’m honestly pretty surprised i was right about that one. i was so, so, so worried that the curse would actually turn them into angels. i did not want that to happen. i obviously had no clue that it would make them grow into giant, fiery, death machines, but alas. i think the whole true nephilim thing was kind of cool, actually. it’s also kind of crazy that the parabatai bond is so strong that when one of the parabatai turned into a true nephilim the other one followed. i honestly still can’t really believe it. i had a pretty hard time picturing emma and julian the size of skyscrapers crushing the cohort, but i found it kind of entertaining. i also almost cried when helen, ty, dru, and tavvy talked to them to bring them back. even cristina, kieran, and aline had things to say to them. it was a really touching scene. i’m also super proud of dru for being able to lead her family and convince them that they needed to help emma and julian. she’s grown so much since lady midnight (but more on that later). the fact that becoming true nephilim broke their parabatai bond is one of the easiest conclusions of any plot in shadowhunter history. especially one that was one of the main plots of a series. i’m so happy for jules and emma. i wish we could see more of them on their travel year. and i hope in twp they’ll be like jace and clary were in tda.

4. kieran kingson to kieran king of the unseelie court. honestly, i expected this one. i didn’t think cassie was going to give us a full-blown polyamorous relationship in all its day-to-day glory. kieran is going to make an amazing king. i’ve loved his character development over the course of the series. we watched him turn from a jealous member of the wild hunt, to a disgraced and begrudgingly helpful prince, to a remorseful and loving faerie, and finally, to a proud and kind king. i’m glad he can still be with cristina and mark in adaon’s cottage, but i almost wish it hadn’t ended this way. i feel bad that he can’t be happy in faerie and that mark and cristina will feel like something is missing whenever they are together without him in the mortal world. it’s bittersweet but more sweet than bitter.

5. i love julian blackthorn. i genuinely did not even know there were people out there who didn’t love him with their entire hearts and souls. i didn’t even know that there was so much controversy around him until i got into the tda tumblr fandom. i am almost never mad at him. almost. the whole ‘no feelings’ thing got old fast. i was pissed at magnus for performing the spell in the first place and i was mega-pissed at jules for requesting it and asking magnus to do it even once he’d heard of the consequences. i hated no feelings julian. it was so sad for me to see the julian i know and love, specifically because he cares so hard and so deeply, lose all his love and compassion. he literally turned into the julian antis like to picture him as. manipulating emma using sex and her desire/love for him was not cool. killing dane was not cool. not to mention, ty needed him. ty was totally broken after livvy’s death. he was holding himself together with some crazy plan to raise her from the dead. he needed julian to tell him he would be okay and to help piece his world back together. obviously, there were times julian literally couldn’t be there for him like when he was in faerie or thule. but when he got back he had a few opportunities to help his brother that he missed because of the stupid spell. this is the only time i’ve ever been genuinely mad at or disappointed in jules. it was painful.

6. let’s talk about thule. crazy to see sebastian’s vision for the world come to a reality. even crazier that he was in this series at all. thule proved that tessa is the strongest warlock of all time and that church is significant to the plot after all. cameron turns out to be a nice dude. diana is openly trans. raphael is alive and kind of funny and lovable (”vampires excel at ispy”). julian was temporarily free of the spell and the parabatai bond didn’t exist. i kind of loved thule. but there were sad and hard parts too. everyone is basically dead. people who haven’t sworn loyalty to sebastian are chased around and hunted by demons for fun. tessa gave her life to finally defeat sebastian. and poor thule!livvy. having to live in a world all by herself. helen is presumably and almost certainly dead. same with dru. julian and emma were endarkened and now they’re dead (nice to see that julian would literally kill himself, in this case thule!julian for his family, though). tavvy was taken and for sure killed by a demon. that same demon slit ty’s throat and thule!livvy held him as he died. she had to make the hard a terrible decision to let cameron, her boyfriend and probably one of the only people she had left, die trapped in the silent city forever. and she couldn’t go with jules and emma back to earth. as much as i knew it was going to happen, it was still terrible and heart-wrenching to see them seperated again. her letter to ty was one of the few moments in the book that made me cry. the fact that ty didn’t even bother much with it really bothered me. ”i love you. i love you. i love you.” it will forever break my heart and also be one of my favorite lines from the entire series. i really do hope that thule!livvy and ty somehow meet in twp. i need them both to get some closure more than i can say.

7. ty. my poor, beautiful ty. he had a really amazing facade throughout pretty much the entire book. i genuinely believed he was okay for a while. but when kit kept mentioning the bruises on his hands, i knew something was up. when dru went into his room and found it a complete mess, with books and clothes everywhere and furniture destroyed, my heart literally cracked in my chest. my baby ty did not deserve the pain he was feeling. i wish he’d gotten more help from kit, or dru, or helen. i wish julian hadn’t been such an idiot with that spell, so he could’ve been there for ty like he deserved. seeing him so distraught made me almost happy that he brought back livvy’s ghost.

8. i’m a little confused about the whole livvy’s ghost thing. the way i read it, ty ripped a hole in the fabric between the world of the living and the world of the dead. but i literally read the entire last 300 pages in like two hours, so i don’t think i totally absorbed everything. (i’ll go back through it all on the reread). basically, if that’s the case, wouldn’t livvy be able to come and go between the worlds as she pleased? what about other ghosts? this is almost definitely tying into the plot of twp. the same way the emma and jules deciding to become parabatai tied into tda. i wish that he hadn’t raised her ghost, because livvy really deserved to rest peacefully. i just hope he has some nice times with livvy’s ghost before he probably has to get rid of her. hopefully, dru can learn to see her too. (also can we talk about her ghost coming to jules during the livia’s watch meeting? broke my heart)

9. dru really grew up right before our eyes, didn’t she? she went from a sort of shy, timid little girl who wanted nothing more than to join the fight to a strong young woman who knew her worth and learned that fighting in battle isn’t always what makes you brave. she went on her own and broke the prisoners out of the gard. and when everyone was going to battle, she stayed behind with tavvy to keep him safe and comfort him.  when jaime was being an ass (still mad at him by the way) she didn’t make herself into someone she wasn’t to try to make him happy. i’m really proud of dru. i can’t wait for her to go to the new shadowhunter academy, make some new friends. kick jaime’s ass for being a dick, and more in the wicked powers.

10. diego becoming inquisitor was probably one of the things i least expected from queen, but i can’t say i’m mad about it. i honestly think its the perfect job for him. i’m happy to see he’s moved on from cristina and didn’t die like i thought he would. he’s really grown on me throughout the series. i went from not really liking him, to hating him, to pitying him, to loving and respecting him as a character. i can’t wait to see what he does as inquisitor and how he help’s move the new clave-in-exile forward. speaking of which, alec as consul. wow. i am so proud of my little baby. he really does deserve the world. he is going to do amazing things for the clave and bring them forward to be more a more caring, accepting, and diverse group of people. i’m so happy that he’s now in the position to make the changes he wants to see in the world. like downworlder-shadowhunter marriages. speaking of which, the malec wedding! i am so happy for the two of them! it is so incredibly cute that alec surpirsed magnus with a wedding ceremony. and that he was so nervous to propose (even though they were already basically married anyways). it was so beautiful. jace as alec’s suggenes. catarina as magnus’. the fireworks. ugh. goals right there. it was also so sweet that kieran came and the hot faerie threesome reunited. and that emma and julian got to be together for real, in public, happily. the whole thing about the blackthorn kids freaking out whenever they found them kissing in the institute hallways was the cutest thing. it made me all warm and fuzzy. i was kind of happy to see that livvy’s ghost was there with ty, but i just hope that she isn’t always there and that ty will eventually learn to live without her. kit staring at him from a distance was sad and creepy. and i’m lowkey pissed that jem and tessa weren’t at the wedding. wtf is that guys? so rude. otherwise super cute, super fun, super happy way to end the book. i approve. 10/10.

11. i can’t believe that alec offered mark and cristina positions on the downworlder-shadowhunter alliance. this is like a dream come true for cristina and i’m so happy for her. i also really hope it will help mark reconcile the differences he feels from other shadowhunters, including his own family, and hopefully, he will feel less torn between the worlds of faeries and mortals. i’m also glad mark and cristina will be staying together. when i heard cristina was going back to mexico, i was very disappointed. her travel year was nowhere near over and i’d hoped she would’ve stayed in los angeles or her and mark would’ve gone with emma and jules. i’m really glad that her and mark will at least be together and get to grow as a couple. it is bittersweet though because it means that the blackthorns are growing apart. jules and emma are going on a (well-deserved) travel year, mark is moving to new york, cristina is going with him. ty is heading to the sholomance, next time we see dru she’ll be at the academy in new york. they’re doing what a normal family does as it grows, and going their separate ways, but it's still so hard to watch it happen when part of what i love about them is that they’re such a tight-knit group. i’m just glad that they’ll all have the institute to return to whenever they want.

12. haline really tugged at my heartstrings this time around. i’ve gotta say, i was fully prepared to not totally like aline. she wasn’t much of an important or defining character to me in tmi and what i did see of her was just kind of eh to me. when cassie released that frittata snippet i was so ready not to like her. i have a major blind spot when it comes to my blackthorn babies, and if anyone even sort of messes with them i am 100% ready to rip their heads off. but i actually really loved aline. she was badass and sensitive and funny and independent and caring all at the same time. seeing her with helen was honestly so cute. their relationship was amazing. i’m so glad they had each other while they were on wrangel island and helped each other adjust to being back. ugh hope to see more of them in la soon. hope they have their baby and tavvy won’t be the baby of the family anymore. i hope they’re only happy for the rest of their lives.

13. i honestly wish the cohort had died. like i was lowkey cheering giant fiery jules and emma on as they slowly, brutally murdered them one by one. they’re awful, bigoted, terrible people and i can’t stand them. zara is one of the worst. i honestly wish emma had killed her. in front of the institute, in battle, i don’t care. i just wish she was dead. she actually deserved it. stabbing emma in the back was one of the lowest moves she ever could have pulled. and all because she was throwing a tantrum that the sword she stole from emma was taken back by emma. when cortana chose emma i was probably the happiest i could be reading the book. emma deserved it and cortana knew it. i do have to say i was in shock that the cohort threatened to kill themselves when alec was elected. and even more shocked that the entire clave left alicante and idris to the cohort. i am sad that the shadowhunters lost their beloved home country. i knew that the cohort was going to gain some kind of power and that they weren’t going anywhere, but this is something i did not expect at all. i have high hopes for the clave-in-exile. alec has already been so good and kind. he changed the laws to allow shadowhunters and downworlders to get married. he praised and accepted diana for being trans and strives to educate himself on transgender people and shadowhunters and what exactly being trans means. hopefully, this kind of open-mindedness and acceptance of others and their differences will stem into the whole of the neurodiverse shadowhunter community. people. like ty, who have autism, or adhd, or dyslexia, or depression and anxiety. the subtle mentions of these things without naming them throughout tda really showed how ignorant the clave is to these kinds of people. (speaking as someone who has add and was ignored for a long time) it isn’t an easy feat to know there is something wrong or different about you but not have anyone acknowledge it. hopefully, alec will learn about the mundane treatments and coping mechanisms for the many neurodivergent shadowhunters out there and allow them the tools thet need to suceed.

14. when annabel died i cheered. i know it seems awful, but the image of julian severing her spine and stabbing her through the heart made me warm and fuzzy inside. my baby avenged his baby livia. AND thule!livvy was there to watch. a truly beautiful moment. i do not feel bad for annabel in the slightest. at first, she was so tortured and sad that i felt for her. even, a little bit, after she killed livvy. i would think, well the cohort was what drove her over the edge or maybe she wouldn’t have done it if her mind wasn’t so destroyed from malcolm’s spells.  but no. she proved that she was lucid and sane enough to manipulate and lie and deceive time and time again. in the unseelie court and in thule. when jules finally got to take of the rag with livvy’s blood on it and throw it onto her dying body i did a little dance. annabel deserved the death she got. and livvy deserved someone to avenge her. but what happened to the black volume? at first, i thought it would stay in thule forever, but if thule!jace and ash could make it into the seelie courts, then it stands to reason that there is another portal open somewhere and that the black volume can be brought back to the seelie queen. i have a feeling we’ll be seeing more of the black volume and necromantic magic in twp. also, can we talk about the fact that the black volume is the dark artifices? it makes sense considering the fact that it has been a major part and plot point of the entire series, but i felt like it was a little underhyped. the seelie king was like oh the black volume aka the dark artifices and then we never talked about it again. i don’t know is that just me?

15. clary is alive! i, for one, genuinely thought she was going to die. the fact that her dreams of herself dying were visions of what was happening in thule seemed kind of cheap. like there was a ton of build up for absolutely no reason. then again, her dreams really were only mentioned, like, once in the series before qoaad and really not much in queen. we really just hyped it all up a lot as a fandom, so i guess we shouldn’t have expected more. but i am glad she is alive because that means her and jace are getting married! when jace said he wanted six or eight kids because of the blackthorns, i cried a little inside. so cute! cassie better give us the clace wedding and not just fast forward to twp where they will already be married and chasing around a while expecting another baby (i am speaking this into existence). speaking of weddings that we need to see in writing, sizzy! my babies are happy! i have shipped sizzy since day one, guys. day one. if i am robbed of a sizzy wedding i will riot and it will not be pretty. 

16. that epilogue though! i was not expecting it. i was confused for a littke while. in the back of my mind, i was wondering how ash would even tie into twp if he was in thule. now i know. thule!jace is crazy. i have a feeling there will be an epic showdown between him and normal jace which will be super interesting. i have a feeling thule!jace is a lot like what our jace was like when he was linked to sebastian. considering he basically has been for quite some time and apparently, there is no going back. hopefully someone kills the seelie queen in twp and someone better can take over the trone bc that bitch has been getting on my nerves since day one.

17. ty is going to the sholomance and i’m so happy for my little baby. the sholomance is going to have great teachers, like catarina and ragnor, and ty is going to learn so much. kit is with tessa and jem and, while i’m still super pissed at him and upset he isn;t with ty, i am so glad he’s going to have parents for once in his life. parents who are loving and kind and caring. and he’ll get to hang out with baby carstairs (hopefully a boy named will. i’m speaking that one into existence too.). dru is going to make new friends. tavvy is going to grow up. helen and aline are going to have a baby, so all our faves will be aunts/uncles. ugh, i cannot wait for the wicked powers you guys have no idea!

this is basically it! if you guys want to hear my opinions on anything else, or you have any questions for me about any part of the book my asks are always open! i seriously love when you guys send me asks, so please do!

[bibliophileiz]

Supernatural “War of the Worlds” Review Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Tolerate b*cklemming

These people are far from my favorite writers on the show (that would be Berens, Glynn and Yockey, the last of whom wrote my two favorite episodes) but every time an episode they wrote airs I want to dissect all the good and bad of it anyway, and this is no exception. This is I think their third episode in a row I’ve felt the urge to review. I think it’s a coping mechanism to help me tolerate these episodes.

This was not b*cklemming’s worst episode – I still think that was the one in which Eileen died – but it was not great either. It’s watchable, don’t get me wrong. But we’ve had a string of stellar episodes this season except for two. Two. And they were both written by this duo.

Unequivocally bad things about this episode:

- Who the FUCK decided to put b*cklemming in charge of apocalypse world? There do indeed appear to be no women, period. I kept hoping the creepy hunter who attacked Mary in their last episode only thought there were no women because all the women around had the good sense to avoid him, but … nope. It appears he was right. The whole apocalypse place looks like the cast of Lawrence of Arabia with a darker aestetic.      Either mittensmorgul or elizabethrobertajones (I can’t remember which and the post is too far back for me to find but both have excellent blogs!) pointed out this just keeps b*cklemming from writing creepy rape scenes all over apocalypse world, which is a fair point. However, b*cklemming has written plenty of problematic sexually violent stuff victimizing male characters, albeit usually being victimized by women (April to Cas, Toni to Sam). Also it just generally irks me when an otherwise well-written show suggests women can’t survive harsh circumstances. I know they have to stay on Supernatural, but someone please keep this pair away from Wayward Sisters. - Asmodeus sucked only marginally less in this episode than when he was introduced, and that’s only because he had the suckiest introduction of anyone in this show. He. Is. Still. Awful. I can’t believe the show is going to waste the Keeping-Cas-Locked-Up-In-Hell story line I’ve been waiting for on this assclown of a villain. - AU verse Kevin Tran is like … I would say Diet Kevin Tran except I usually like diet drinks better than their counterparts, so I guess it’s more like … Vegan Chocolate Kevin Tran. I can see the resemblance, but the original has more flavor and more richness and doesn’t work for genocidal war criminals just to see hot women. My theory before this episode aired was Kevin’s a double agent for a group of hunters who have formed a resistance, led by Asa Fox and, eventually, Mary Winchester, and if we ever get an apocalypse episode written by Berens or Glynn, I might even be proved right (about the double agent part. The Asa Fox part is a stretch, I realize this). In the meantime, this was a total waste of the character. - Did b*cklemming just forget the show is about Sam? He had that one scene with Ketch which is super forgettable. In all his other scenes, he was just kind of there. It was like they were writing and would occasionally say, “We need to give Dean’s sidekick a line now.”

Good Things (several of which have nothing to do with b*cklemming)

-Cas’ sex hair is back. - I didn’t hate the Cas-Lucifer team up as much as I expected to. In fact, I thought the scene between them at the bar was the best in the episode. I unequivocally hated the way these writers – really all the writers – wrote Lucifer last season, but b*cklemming actually wrote some of my favorite Lucifer material in the entire show. Specifically I’m thinking of Lucifer (as played by Misha Collins) telling Amara she may defeat God but she will never be him – not a Lucifer redemption moment by any means, but certainly a moment where he gets to be something other than an entitled brat. It shows even though he hates God, he also admires him. You also see this in his reaction to finding out Kelly’s pregnant. She said he was excited because it was the first time he created anything, which I remember thinking was a really in-character reaction to have. This explains why he’s so interested in whatever Cas has to say about Jack too.      However, I don’t want my enthusiasm for dad!Lucifer to be taken as me wanting a redemption arc for this fucker, because I don’t. I don’t hate the idea of him almost being redeemed. We the audience are sympathetic to Jack, and once Jack realizes he can be good, he’s going to want to redeem his father, Luke Skywalker-style. I like the idea of Jack trying to “save” Lucifer – “There is still good in him, I know it!” – and for Lucifer to kind of go along with it until something happens and Lucifer reveals himself to be as entitled and jealous and petty and power-hungry as he’s always been, and then Sam and Mary or maybe Cas get to kill him. If we’re sticking with the Star Wars parallels, then I want it to be like the moment Han Solo offers Kylo Ren a second chance and Kylo stabs him instead. I like Lucifer, but at the end of the day, fuck him. - Related, I also didn’t hate Mark Pellegrino. He’s never been a bad actor, he’s just been a shallow one, but that’s the material he had to work with. When he has decent lines and isn’t smirking around evil-for-the-sake-of-evil dialogue, I find I want to punch him less.      More specifically, he did a good job posturing while also showing the audience he is terrified without all his power. That little flinch when Asmodeus enters the bar, before he pretends to relax and starts casually threatening Asmodeus, was great. - We finally got acknowledgement the universe is running out of angels. - Guys. Rowena might still be alive. If Ketch is alive and Rowena isn’t, I might stop watching this show. - Cas’ sex hair is back. -Speaking of Cas, I was concerned he wouldn’t tell Dean he was working with Lucifer because he thought Dean would be mad or because he would want Sam and Dean to stay away because danger or because Lucifer talked him out of it or some bullshit like that and it would be last season all over again. I’m so, so glad they didn’t go that route even though it means we get more shapeshifting (voiceshifting?) Prince of Hell nonsense. - Lucifer calling Asmodeus the runt of the litter made me feel better. At least b*cklemming admit theirs is the worst Prince of Hell. - “Honey, you’re not Lucifer. My ex-husband’s Lucifer.” - Did I mention Cas’ sex hair is back? - I liked the witch and on the one hand wish she’d had more to do but on the other hand am worried b*cklemming would have killed her if she had another scene. - When Asmodeus referenced a hunter in his payroll, I thought, ‘I bet it’s David Haydn-Jones.’ I love being right. - Dean asking if Ketch’s tattoo was a stick-on. - The shots at the playground are all beautiful. Good job Richard Speight, Jr.! - The fight scenes are. So. Good. - Seriously. Cas’ sex hair. It’s back.

Questions I have

- Where did Lucifer get that jacket? - Why do the demons call Jack “the Jack”? - How does Ketch know Sam and Dean are looking for Jack? Sam said he reached out to “every hunter we know” but firstly, how many of those are left that aren’t dead and secondly, who of them knows Ketch but doesn’t know he’s evil? - How does Lucifer know Kevin? I thought he was locked up during Kevin’s story line.

Now let’s talk about Ketch.

I’m so used to bad writing from this pair, I didn’t even see the Ketch reveal coming. Based on their not-great track record, here is a list of things b*cklemming would totally do: - Write a less-evil twin for a dead character. - Have Ketch torture and kill a bunch of witches – to find Rowena – so he can find and kill her – because she’s a witch. - Have Arthur Ketch’s less-evil twin Alexander Ketch still ask about Mary even though he’s never met her. - Look like they’re about to give Ketch a redemption arc.

So I totally bought it. 

Like … good job? Good for them for fooling me by being, like, the lowest bar of competent. It’s sort of like how I spent all of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince thinking Malfoy couldn’t be up to anything because he’d spent the five previous books showing up way too often to make the same bad jokes about Harry and Co. over and over. It’s not as good as writing well the first time, but points for improving.

And at first I was excited because I thought – and still think – Ketch will make a much better villain when not loaded down with Men of Letters baggage because the Men of Letters were cartoonishly stupid and Ketch was actually threatening when not anywhere near them. But … where are they going with this?      k-vichan pointed out this episode undoes both Mary’s victories from last season – knocking Lucifer into AU World and killing Ketch. Which is typical b*cklemming. To be fair, we knew Lucifer had to come back, but what could they possibly do with Ketch they haven’t already done? His villain arc ended perfectly – Mary killed him in defense of Dean. That was literally the best way he could have possibly died. It was the cathartic, climactic moment of last season’s emotional arc.      I’ve seen some people suggest Dean will get to kill Ketch now and – no. No. Killing Ketch was always going to be Mary’s victory, and I’ll be disappointed in the show and the writers if they take that away from her. 

All in all, a mixed bag of an episode. Which is disappointing after a string of nothing but good episodes this season from everyone but b*cklemming. (Ish. I’m afraid we may not be looking at the cowboy episode rationally. I’m going to have to wait until Netflix gets the new season and watch it again and decide then if I’m being rational about liking it or if I’m just excited about Dean’s cowboy hat and Cas’ fake western accent.) But next week we’re back to Glynn and then Berens and then Wayward Sisters, so hopefully it’s a long time before we have to deal with this nonsense again. Meanwhile, here are some things I want out of future episodes.

- Kevin being cool again. - Mrs. Tran. - Mary Winchester. - (louder for the people in the back) MARY WINCHESTER! - Rowena. - Dean figuring out the Cas he’s talking to on the phone is not Cas. - AU Resistance leader Asa Fox - Something cool in apocalypse world other than a church Jerry Wanek built. (Good job Wanek, I’m so sorry it couldn’t be in a better episode.) - Maybe some other AU resistance versions of characters like Bela Talbot (unlikely but a girl can dream), Godron Walker (AU Resistance Gordon Walker would be awesome!), Ellen Harvelle (bonus points if she and Bobby are married), Jo Harvelle (acceptable if they can’t get Ellen), FemCastiel (bonus points if she also ends up in Real World and meets Sam and Dean and Dean’s like, “Who’s the hot angel?” and she’s like, “My name is Castiel,” and Sam starts laughing and Dean’s like, “Fuck, I hope Chuck’s not making this one into a book.”)

[the-voice-of-hell]

Rent is Theft, part 13

Unlucky number 13!  This is as far as I’ve gotten the story (aside from a little outlining and writing ahead), so it may be a while before more updates come in.

Read from the beginning here, read the previous chapter here.

Note:  My MC is a Filipina trans woman and I am not.  If you have notes on that or anything else, hit me up.

                                                        ***

     I needed to be alone, but it wasn’t in the cards.  When the elevator door opened on my floor, a single eyeball rolled in from the hall.  I freaked out badly, jamming the door open with both arms, scooting the thing toward the crack between elevator and floor.

     The big metal box tensed.  It wanted to close the doors, was pushing back.  I hopped and came down on the thing with more force, popping it into the crack, the elevator shaft, and who knows where?  I shuddered at the disgusting experience, crashed against the elevator door, let it shove me until I slipped out into the hall and fell down.

     Leimomi’s voice.  “Are you OK?”

     “Nope.  I’m not.  Don’t worry about it.”  I avoided her eyes, but looked all over the carpet before I stood up - looking for more of those eyes.  Nothing in sight except Momi feet, I clambered to my feet.

     “Are you sure?”  She wasn’t moving.

     “I need to do this thing.”  Did I?  I didn’t want to.  “Just...”  I made it clear I needed to get into my place and she got out of the way.  I opened and closed the door in a hurry, headed toward the living room.

     That’s when I heard, “Ow! Oh!” from out in the hallway.

     I dragged myself back to the door in a hurry and opened it.  She practically stumbled into me.  “What the hell, Momi?”

     “My hair was caught in the door.”  She looked too sad.

     I couldn’t take it, not anything.  “Just step back.  Further.”  I closed the door on her and went to the living room.

     I connected my phone to the wifi and looked it up. Courtney Love racist.  The ugly words came back.  Stereotypes.  Shitting on black people to their faces.  Trying to get her audience to chant the N word like a fucking Klan rally.  “GOD!,” I said, “Why do you have to be such a creepy fucking BITCH?”  Ugly words of my own.  She made me do it, I thought, but then, that’s what lots of misogynists say, isn’t it?

     Fuck absolutely everything.  I felt like my own skin had betrayed me.  I should never have named myself after someone.  What a fool.  I grabbed my hair, grabbed my back, thrashed around on the couch.  The world was pure evil and I wanted to scratch myself, pull myself, drag myself out of it.

     I stopped my thrashing and curled there, face down, balled fists pushing into my eye sockets.  I could see stars wriggling vermiform in the darkness.  You creepy old lady.  And who am I?  A creepy old lady.  Was there some nasty prejudice I was sitting on, waiting to come out?  What was I really like when drunk?  What was anybody capable of?  What are courtneys specifically capable of, since that’s what I was?  A self-made courtney.  The thing I chose to be.

     I finally got the will to stand up, remembering I still had a few posters left among the debris, posters that needed defacing.  I kicked the couch over and punched myself in the forehead three times before marching to the bedroom.

     In the bedroom I looked around.  First one.  Back wall.  Posed to look like a big victim.  Maybe she was.  Fuck her anyways.  I ripped it down and tore it up in my hands.  I accidentally scratched myself up with fingernails and rings, but I didn’t care.

     Another one.  Fancy lady, got some work done.  Ain’t you a queen?  I ripped the poster down.  Half of it clung to the wall and I snatched that two, then ripped it up.  I felt stings where the scratches on my hands were being rubbed the wrong way.  Didn’t care.

     One left.  One surviving courtney, up on the ceiling.  I glared at her.  “How could you?!  What is wrong with you?”  I jumped, trying to catch the edge of it with my fingers, rip it down without need for a step stool.  No contact.  I tried again.  I am not going through the effort of getting a ladder for this bullshit.  I nicked the edge, but she was up there safe, smug.

     Was that look smug?  Or vacant?  What was behind those eyes?  Anything at all?  For years she’d been acting like some kind of mindless, twisted animal.  I avoided the rumors but they kept coming at me, adding up.  She was a terrible person.

     I gave up, and kicked over my sleeping couch in frustration.  I kicked it again and again.

     At last I went back into the living room.  The little whistle was there to greet me, blowing through my ghost.  I flopped on the hard floor and crawled under the upended couch.  It’s a home for turtles.  That’s what was next for me.  Turtledom.

     There was a knock at the door.  Go away.  I’m just a corpse.  It persisted, in nervous little passes.

     At last I heaved myself up to feet, shoved the couch off of me.  It clattered loudly, landing upright and gouging a couple of thick chunks out of the wall.  I answered the door.

     It was Momi.  “Courtney, what’s going on?  I know you said… I know you don’t wanna say, but...”

     I held up a hand to quiet her.  “I still don’t.  Bad time.  I should be--”

     “Why are you bleeding?”

     I looked at my hand.  The scratches were worse than I’d thought.  The skin was ragged around them, blood thick and red all over them, brighter where it had smeared over the rest of my hand.

     Then I looked past the hand at the Hawaiian lady.  She was looking at me in shock and sadness, tears welling in her eyes.  I put my hands behind my back in shame.  “It was just a silly accident, hon.  I’ll be fine, I’ll be OK, don’t worry.”

     “Really?”  Her voice cracked and she fanned herself.  What an odd, cute gesture.  She was so miserable though, it was getting to me.

     I pushed the door farther shut with my shoulders, just my head poking out.  The apartment was my turtle shell.  “Really.  Hon, this thing that’s got me just now?  It’ll pass.  Don’t worry about it.”  Sometimes I try to regulate my expression.  This time I knew I didn’t have to.  I could feel my face melting into sad, kind warmth.

     It seemed to work.  She laughed at her emotional display nervously and stepped back, wiping her face.  “Ah, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I’m weird.”

     It’s time.  I knew it was.  It felt weird doing this as a floating severed head, but there couldn’t be a better time.  “You aren’t weird.  Listen, there is something you can help me with.”

     “You need help with your hands?”

     “No.”  I looked both ways.  Hall empty.  “I need you in my life.  I sorted out my shit.  I haven’t touched that dude and I never will again.  I don’t know what I was thinking, I just gotta take it back, anything I did.  If I can.  If you will.  I think I love you, Momi.”

     She straightened up, a little taller than me, and looked like someone had punched her in the chest.  Breathless.  Her lips did a mad little dance.  Her eyes looked like they were about to cry, then didn’t.

     “I don’t think I love you.  I do love you.”  My head was threatening to turn upside down like something from the exorcist as it strained to look pleading without the benefit of any other body language.  “It’s fine if you don’t.  I’ll try to--”

     She folded her arms angrily and looked down at me.  “I love you too, but this is too much.  I can’t do stuff right now.”  She looked away.

     “Wait.  Right now?  Like, we can do stuff some other time?  Like, a week?  A month?  A year?”

     “Mmm… A week.  Maybe.  Let’s see how we feel in a week, OK?”  She could barely bring herself to look at me, then she left me hanging there, and disappeared into her apartment.

     I retreated into my turtle house and resisted the urge to do a crazy dance.  I staggered out to the living room again and flopped in a chair.  “What did I do to myself?”  I couldn’t resist crazy dance time anymore.

     I twisted out of the chair and flopped onto the floor, rolling one way and then the other, squealing like a child.  I stopped, staring wide-eyed at the ceiling, and slammed my head on the floor.  Stars again.  I had nearly knocked myself out.

     I was finally still, relaxing after my ridiculous scene.  My hands stung.  My head hurt kind of badly.  That’s no way to give yourself a concussion.  I went to take a bath.  Hopefully, no passing out and drowning would happen.  I had something to look forward to in a week.

                                                        ***

     There was definitely a welt across the back of my head.  I could feel it out with my fingers.  Maybe an inch below the crown, a smooth scar almost like a burn, sensitive like a bruise.  It was remarkably straight - a horizontal line like a cut.  At least the oddness of it held at bay any worries I had about getting a bald spot.

     The next day I set to work in my apartment, getting the scraps off the walls, picking up the collapsed things on floors.  I took down ceiling Courtney with more dignity than I could muster the previous day.  Who was to say how I’d feel about the racist asshole in a week?  She was rolled and tucked away.

     But as the maneuvers went on, I started to accrue a list of missing requisites.  I didn’t have enough household cleaners, I needed something to fill the gouges on the wall.  I wanted more allergy meds to wax into my living room, see if I could stop the whistle once and for all.

     So at about two in the afternoon, I showered up and dressed summery for an outdoor jaunt.  I had a dress and a large summer hat with a floppy brim.  Contact lenses let me rock giant black sunglasses that would shine in the sun.  Violet red lipstick.  Smack my lips.  Time to go.

     Out in the hall, Methadone Mike was using a bristle broom to grind powdered allergy medicine into the carpet.  He looked green.  I took off the shades and hung them in the front of my dress.  He still looked olive green.  Jaundice pairing weirdly with his sun-abused skin?  Bad lighting?  I still smiled at the green man and went about my way.

     At the elevator I pushed the call button.  It instantly opened up.  Sharon.

     “Sharon!  Hiii, Maria, remember me?”  I walked in like a queen, arms in the air.

     She was looking past me to Methadone Mike.  “Mm, yeah, what’s that?  We didn’t have a cleaner up he--”

     “He just wanted to clean up after himself, spilled a trashbag.  G’byee!” She was trying to hold the door but I hedged her out by waving at Mike like a theater kid.  The door sealed us in, and we went up.

     “Maria, what’s going on?  You seem jumpy today.”  She looked suspicious for sure.

     I just couldn’t care.  No way you get the juice to figure this out, lady.  And if you did?  I smiled maniacally.  “Maybe it’s just the weather.  A chance to wear this dress?  I’m pumped up and I don’t even know why.”

     Her mouth shrank to a pin prick, her eyelids lowered, her eyebrows tried to jump up into her hairline.  She opened her mouth to say something, and the elevator reached her floor.

     “See ya ’round, Sharon!”

     I was rid of her, I had a week until Momi time, and I was bouncing.  Then a random pain in the back of my head snapped me to reality.  I realized there’d been a buzzing sensation in my head that had just gone mute, that there was a strange feeling at the back of my head which ended with that twinge.

     What was it?  I touched the back of my head.  Pain like a bruise.  Then the elevator popped open on twelve.  The programming on those things left something to be desired.  I looked around to see if Methadone Mike was still around, but he wasn’t.  The broom was laying in the hall and his apartment door was open.  I almost went to investigate, but thought better of it.  I had my own life to lead and that guy had plenty of experience looking out for himself.

     I wore high heel sandals and it was pretty much impossible to walk sensibly in those things.  It was strut or gangle, nothing in between.  I was strutting on the way to the store.  It was a large urban drug store, so it tried to be everything to everyone, have whatever one might need.  But it didn’t have my spackle, so I had to try a paint store.  I found one within longish walking distance on my phone, but that walk quickly turned into a gangle.

     The gangle took me back close to the apartment, but just far enough away that I had to make a decision of it.  Divert for sensible shoes, or keep walking straight.  I made the wrong decision, and the gangle grew painful.

     There it was again - a sensation on the back of my head.  I paid attention to it this time.  But in doing so, was I imagining things, or noticing things?  Was that shifting sensation something legitimately happening in the muscles or other tissues?  Or was it my imagination  I felt like the back of my head had been replaced with a plastic puzzle ball, and it was threatening to fall apart.

     There was a humming sound.  I couldn’t tell whether it was just in my head.  Sometimes it felt like I was making it happen, compulsively humming just loud enough that it couldn’t quite be heard above traffic - just felt.  Why couldn’t I stop it?  Why did it usually feel like I was even doing anything?

     Stepping through the door the omnipresent traffic noise burst like ears popping, and I could - for just a moment - hear the hum clear as a bell.  Then it was gone.  I looked around nervously until someone came in behind, forcing me out of the way.

     I timidly went about my shopping and realized I was already sad.  I had really good reason to feel happy, but it wasn’t enough.  Something was wrong with the world.  It was right on top of me.  I went to the counter to ring up my goods, and the puzzle ball shifted.  The humming began, quietly but clearly.

     “Here.”  I put my spackle and a cheap palette knife on the counter.  I smiled weakly.

     The clerk took little notice and rang it up.  “Eight dollars and eighty-six cents after tax.”

     “My card.”

     “Just swipe it on the...”

     The damned hum.

     “Thank you,” I said as I entered my PIN.

     “Thank you,” he said.

     The gangle home was taking me down restaurant row.  The tech giant I used to work for basically created a neighborhood, and the restaurants to serve it lined the main street, along with a few odd banks and such.  I’d been on this street before, looking for lunch, watching the money fly out of my account every day at the expensive places, knowing I could save a lot of money by packing lunch, never ever getting up the will to make that happen.

     It was a miserable time.  Back when I could imagine I belonged there, I came to recognize lots of random people on the street.  But more buildings had opened since then, more people had transferred or been laid off or got burned out, and the turnover had led to a completely unfamiliar street scene.

     Who were these people?  Some had a vague optimism - the new lights of the tech industry.  Most were just hustling to get from point A to point B to appease the capital fascist order of the place.  Minimize your human needs to maximize your hustle.  Install an office app on your smartphone so you can work on spreadsheets while you take shits.

     “Hey!”  I didn’t recognize them, but somebody recognized me.  I turned to face them, and the hum grew again.

     It was Grime.  He had some kind of mess on his hands, maybe sloppy eating, but he quickly tucked those things into his pockets.  Cargo shorts, yuck.  “What brings you back, Court?  Think it’s time to go legit again?”  He looked hopeful.  Going legit in a hurry was the only way the apartment situation didn’t end in shackles.

     “No, I can’t.  Just shopping.”

     He noticed my mood.  “Hey, don’t think anything of it.  There’s lots of shit you can do, or nothing at all.  You need something to eat?  You look weak.”

     “Mm, yeah, OK, but remember where we’re at.”

     “I’m the whore and you’re done with that, roger.  Get a bite in you, baby.”

     “Alright.”

     I followed him back inside.  He’d seen me passing a restaurant and come out of it - hence the surprise attack.  As he sat at the table, I saw his hands again.  The splotches were discoloration on the skin, like port-wine stain.  I didn’t know much about that condition except it usually happened at birth.  Could it develop in an adult?

     He noticed my look, waggled his fingers, and shrugged.  “Whatever.  It doesn’t hurt.”

     “That’s good to hear.  Man… I hit my head yesterday and it feels hella fucked up now.”

     “Aww, that’s terrible.  How about symptoms?  Dizziness?  Disorientation?”

     “Not those.  Just like… a buzzing.  Pain.  Weird sensations.  It’s bruised, for sure.”

     “That sucks a lot.”

     A waiter came and he had them bring a bacon and egg ciabatta sandwich and tall rum and coke for me.  He remembered what I liked from a lunch long past.

     “Thanks, Graeme.”

     “Think nothing of it, Courtney.  So talk to me.  Anything else bothering you?  Just a hard walk on those shoes?”

     “You don’t miss a thing, do you?  It’s almost creepy.”

     “Hey.  Guys like me get that word sometimes whether we deserve it or not.  Take it easy on me.  It’s cordial, associate.”

     “Cordial it is, sorry buddy.  Hooo, yeah, it’s a weird one.  I have a good reason to be in a damn good mood, but it just isn’t taking.  Maybe the head thing is the problem, maybe the inconvenience of the walk.  But I’m almost… scared for no reason?”

     “They say head injuries can cause symptoms of depression.  I wish we could figure out how to get that looked at.  Until then, maybe try not to exercise so much.  Let somebody take care of you, OK?”

     “Mm, I’d like that.”

     Maybe the feeling had receded some, because I started to feel passably well for a minute.  The drink came and I said thank you without thinking, hardly moved my lips.  My voice was uncharacteristically clear and feminine, and I half wondered if I’d even said it, or just imagined it.  Better get that drink in you quick, girl.

     “Wanna talk about anything else for a bit?  Work’s a bitch.”

     “No.  I mean yes, let’s talk about something, but not work.”

     “OK, who’s got you feeling like you should be in a good mood, Courtney?”

     “Nope.”

     “Oh, alright, sorry.”  He rolled his eyes around behind those raccoon-like glasses, looking for a subject.  “I got it.  Cordial associates on the Illegal Building Association.  Want the low down on the building?”

     I was very much not interested, but it could work to pass the time.  “Why not?  Hit me.”

     “OK, where to begin?  Sharon’s gone.”

     “Bullshit, I just saw her.”

     “She told me she’s leaving.  I guess she isn’t out the door yet?”

     “Let’s just hope she doesn’t get any more snoopy at the last minute.”

     “Let’s.  She seemed pretty sharp, so tentatively, I think her leaving is good news.”

     “Good news.”

     “OK, that wasn’t very interesting.  Oh, we might have a problem down the road.  You know how all the buildings in Seattle just started getting bedbugs again a few years ago?  Neighbor on thirteen says she feels itchy all the time.  She blames allergies, thinks there’s a problem with the building’s AC, but she knows bedbugs are a possibility.”

     “Did you say thirteen?”

     “Yeah, so if it’s bedbugs, they don’t have far to go.”

     “Yeah, but that isn’t what gets me.  I didn’t know we had any upstairs neighbors.  A few floors up, maybe.  But I thought for sure thirteen was empty.”

     “Maybe you were wrong, maybe she moved in more recently than all that.  Her name is Laura.  Think you’ve seen her?  Maybe walking the Pomeranian?”

     “Thankfully, no.  I have not.”

     I couldn’t bring myself to eat the thick bread at the moment, and kinda sucked the egg out of the sandwich absentmindedly.  Fortunately, Grime didn’t make any off color jokes about it.

     He said, “That’s cool, but she’s one to watch out for.  She doesn’t work at all, so she’s around a lot.”

     “What does she look like?”

     “Like money and talcum powder had a baby that grew up to be a mummy.”

     “Marvy.”

                                                        ***

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