#once again a post that was meant to be like 5 sentences somehow became an essay sorry about that lol

[cuntylouis]

As much as i dislike the whole narrow and oversimplified love language theory it explains so much about the problems and miscommunication at the de Pointe du Lac-de Lioncourt household if you consider that they speak different love languages. Aside from their 32958394577 other issues of course.

Louis is quite clearly a ‘quality time’ and ‘acts of service’ type of person. He often feels uncomfortable with overt gestures and believes that actions speak louder than words and the way he shows love is rather practical. Providing for and taking care of his loved ones and spending time with them is very important for him. He’s not outwardly very affectionate towards others but he makes a great effort to help his family and sometimes also the community (and he tries to justify to himself his exploitation of women by insisting that he’s actually protecting and helping them). With Paul they spent a lot of time just doing things together like walking and talking and going to church and dancing. In the beginning with Lestat they bond over music and theatre and arts and Louis talks and opens up to him about things like never before other than with his brother. Later we see him pause reading (his favorite hobby) to listen to what Lestat is saying to him and even at his most depressed he tries to share with Lestat what he’s reading. In modern day he remembers a dessert that was emotionally meaningful for Daniel and has it prepared in an attempt to connect with him through it (and eats himself despite that it tastes awful to him!).

He frequently does things he feel uncomfortable doing to please Lestat (going to opera with him despite having to act as his valet, drinking human blood, having sex with him after finding out he’s cheating again etc.). Becoming a father and taking care of Claudia was something that brought great fulfillment to Louis (”the simple joy of her hand in mine”). He enjoys ‘homemaking’ whether that’s decorating christmas trees or doing his child’s hair and he was at his happiest when the vampire family was living as close to normal everyday family life as possible, and later tries to unsuccessfully return to that status quo. The most important way for him to communicate love with other people is to simply choose to share his life with them. Lestat who expects dramatic romantic words and gestures could never understand the greatest love Louis ever showed was to stay with him despite everything.

Lestat is strongly a ‘words of affirmation, ‘physical touch’ and ‘gift giving’ type of person. He encourages and compliments Louis and tells him he loves him all the time. I think the scene in ep 6 where he mouths ‘i love you’ when walking away from the park bench despite nothing special happening implies that it’s something he tells Louis almost every day. Verbally expressing his emotions is very important for Lestat. He obviously carefully rehearsed his church love confession beforehand and later even literally wrote a song for Louis. Lestat who is deeply insecure needs words of love and reassurance but rarely receives them. When Louis does show verbal affection he just soaks it up like a sponge (”you missed me?”). Lestat is very tactile person and to quote Sam Reid can’t keep his hands off Louis. When they’re together he’s rarely not touching him. Louis is significantly less touchy-feely, he allows Lestat to touch him if they’re not fighting but initiates it himself much less frequently. When they’re not having sex frequently Lestat feels unhappy and abandoned, not just because of his high libido but also because for him sex is an essential way to convey intimacy and connection. This is also shown in his pattern of cheating where despite claiming he likes variety he actually mostly just carries out a years long affair with one person despite finding her tedious, because she offers him constant validation and an illusion of intimacy. He was rather physically and verbally affectionate with Claudia too before the things turned sour, sometimes gently touching her and calling her with pet names.

Lestat, like Louis, loves taking care of his loved ones but he’s more focused on actual providing and giving things. Lestat showers both Louis and Claudia with gifts; clothes, jewelry, books, money. When Louis is worrying about going home and his business after being turned Lestat tells him “this is now your home” and “i have all the money we need”; he has obviously already envisioned the future he will take care of all Louis’ needs and Louis will never have to work again or worry about anything or pay for anything anymore because Lestat is happy to buy and give him everything in the world. He calls vampirism a gift as well and is frustrated when Louis and Claudia are not grateful for receiving it. After the DV incident he tries to literally buy himself back into their life and sends so many gifts that they have to burn more of them than bodies. He whines to Antoinette about how ungrateful and disrespectful Claudia is despite that he’s given her ‘so many incalculable gifts’. Roots of this behaviour are in Lestat having lived most of his human life in poverty and having to act as a provider. Even after years of being rich he values material things and considers giving and receiving them a powerful act of love and loyalty. Louis had not experienced similar poverty and hunger while being human and Claudia who as a human had nothing i think just sees through bullshit. I think despite their different backgrounds Claudia is actually fairly similar to Louis in this regard that they value more practical and straightforward everyday love. Claudia nurses Louis back to health and makes it her mission to save him, and while she loves pretty things as an expression of love they mean nothing to her.

[kuiperblog]

The first 1% is always the hardest

Usually, the hardest part of acquiring a new skill is starting it for the first time.

When you’re at an intermediate level of progression, you can usually just increase your skill level by incrementing up the difficulty linearly.  If you’re a novice weightlifter and your best overhead press is 125 lbs, try adding 5 lbs to the bar and see if you can overhead press 130 lbs. (If not, keep lifting 125 lbs every few days until that becomes “easy,” then challenge yourself with 130 lbs again.)  If you can do 10 push-ups, you will probably reach the point where you can do 11 push-ups, and 12 push-ups, and 15 push-ups, and 25 push-ups, and so on.  The hardest part of lifting is day 1, when you might be performing certain motions for the first time in your life, and challenging your body to work muscles that you didn’t even realize existed.

I imagine the same is true of other fitness regimens: once you’re able to run a 9 minute mile, you probably have what it takes to run a 8:30 mile, or a 8 minute mile, if you keep at it.  Eventually you’ll hit a plateau and the limits of human performance, but the first day in the gym is always the hardest.

This is sort of how the trajectory of my writing career went.  And having talked to artist friends, and musicians, it seems like all of them followed a similar trend: they found a thing, they stuck with it, and over time found themselves advancing along that path bit by bit.  It became a hobby or a routine such that over time, by  by investing a bit more time, or a bit more effort, or challenging themselves a tiny bit more, they got better at it.  And over years, the compounding returns of that meant that the girl who got a drawing tablet at age 14 found that by the time she was 22 years old, she had enough artistic skill to make enough money from her art to make a living.

I think that in a lot of cases, people were able to start down that path of gradual self-improvement in part because they were able to somehow bypass the hardest part of it -- they blazed right through the initial difficulty without even realizing it.  They couldn’t even really answer the question of “When did you start drawing,” because they’ve always been drawing since the days that they were just doodling with pencil in paper at school. Maybe they just really enjoyed playing outdoors as a kid, and played soccer because it was fun, and made the seamless transition to being a high school athlete. In my case, I spent a lot of time writing long-winded forum posts explaining the finer points of topics I was passionate about (which, at age 13, was mostly Pokemon and Final Fantasy), and somehow by my 20′s I had enough of a penchant for explaining things that I was able to parley that into a writing career (so I can get paid for my long-winded explanations of Pokemon-related topics).

The early days of learning to write kind of sucked and were difficult.  (For starters, remember how unintuitive that QWERTY keyboard was the first time that you learned to type? Remember how painful it was to hunt-and-peck your way through sentences at an effective rate of <10 words per minute?)  But my desire to talk about Pokemon on message boards overwhelmed any difficulty or “suckiness” involved with learning to express my ideas through text, and so the suckiness of those early days wasn’t really much of an obstacle.

More and more, I’ve come to believe that the most important part of learning a new skill is finding a way to get over that initial difficulty hump -- of finding a way to survive the first day, and then the first week, and then the first month, and eventually reach a point where inertia carries you forward on a gradual upward slope of self-improvement where you’re not even consciously thinking too hard about improvement; you just randomly muse to yourself one day, “Oh yeah, this barbell I’m picking up weighs about 100 lbs more than the barbell I was lifting a year ago. Fancy that.” The longer you keep at it, the easier it is to stick with it.

In many corners of the internet, there’s an oft-repeated adage that “Watching anime won’t teach you to speak or understand Japanese.”  And sure, that’s obviously true on some level. If someone is thinking they’re going to spend a thousand hours watching subtitled anime, and then one day flip off the subtitles and be able to follow everything without missing a beat, they’re probably a bit delusional. If you want to actually achieve anything approaching Japanese fluency, you’re probably going to have to take a Japanese learning course, and engaged in spaced repetition to pick up and retain vocabulary, and all of the other stuff that goes into learning any language.

But I think that watching anime does provide you with one big advantage: it goes a long way toward helping you cross that “day 1″ hump. Because the first day is always the hardest. Going from 0 to 1 is harder than increasing your vocabulary by a few new words every week.  Before you can get the compounding returns from incrementally improving at a skill, you have to have a starting principle.  And I think that watching anime is actually quite good for that, because only knowing “weeaboo Japanese” will give you 20-30% of the vocabulary that’s included in your first couple Japanese lessons.

I’m speaking from personal experience: it’s incredibly heartening to go through a lesson and encounter words that I’m already familiar with.  Even if my fluency in “weeaboo Japanese” only covers 10% of what’s introduced in a given lesson, having a head start gives me an intangible confidence boost which makes it easier for me to focus on and retain the other 90%.

I don’t want to understate the importance of that intangible confidence boost: a lot of language acquisition is getting comfortable with a language, and repeating something so much that you do it without even thinking about it. For example, in English, sometimes sometimes someone might ask you “how’s it going?” and you might answer “fine” before your brain has even consciously registered the meaning of what you were hearing, or saying. And I’m enough of a weeb that I can hear i tenki desu ne and immediately reflexively respond with sou desu ne, before my brain has even consciously registered the question being asked (sometimes taking several seconds to mentally backtrack and realize, “Oh right, the “i tenki” part means “nice weather.”).  But years and years of listening and pattern recognition have taught me that when someone ends a sentence in desu ne? with the sort of inflection that says “I’m asking you a rhetorical question,” the proper response is probably sou desu ne, and my brain produces that response just as reflexively as it spits out “I’m doing fine, how about you?” any time someone asks “How’s it going?”)

One thing I’ve come to notice is that every lesson begins with some of some amount of review, giving you that spaced repetition, and providing context for the new words and concepts that the lesson is about to introduce, and generally provide a foundation for the new material.  Day 1 is, by necessity, the exception -- how can you “review” material that you’ve never covered before?  But for me, the day 1 lessons on how to say nihongo and arigato and watashi and anata were already “review” of topics that I picked up through years of being a weeb.

Besides that, there’s the fact that the structural elements of Japanese are something that my brain was naturally able to grok in a way that is intuitive to me after spending years listening to spoken Japanese even though most of it is contextual. (Like, I’m not sure when this happened, but at a certain point I think my brain just kind of learned, when listening to Japanese sentences, to approximate which parts were the verb and where certain clauses landed in the sentence, if only because when watching anime with subtitles you become consciously aware of when a character’s name appears in the dialog.) I’m not really consciously thinking about it, which kind of feels like the “natural” way to learn a language.  (After all, it’s not as if native English speakers, as toddlers, consciously think to themselves, “Ah, it seems as though English typically follows a subject-verb-object grammar structure.” Kids just listen to adults speaking English and form sentences that way without really having to be formally taught.)

It’s highly likely that at some point in my internet career that I have at one point been the cynical message board poster telling someone that, contrary to their fantasies, watching anime isn’t going to help them learn Japanese in any real or material way, and if I’ve ever suggested that, it’s time for me to eat crow.  Because while the advantage that “weeaboo-level Japanese” gives you might be small, and only help you on the first few days of Japanese class, those are the most important days, because the first 1% is always the hardest.

My familiarity with “weeaboo-level Japanese” has only given me one disadvantage, and that is that years of memes have poisoned my brain to the point where the first I was prompted with “say ‘excuse me’ in Japanese,” my brain (and mouth) immediately spat out “sorrymasen,” and I wish I could say it only happened once, but it wasn’t until around day 3 that I managed to fully train this habit out of myself.

[sunshineandbnha]

Unexpected - Denki x reader (Valentine’s Day)

Word count: 3,978

Warnings: none, aside from a case of “Did not edit, just finished this this morning”

A/n: HOW DID THIS END UP SO LONG?? I swear, I started it with the idea and intention that it would be 1.4k or 1.9k words. How did I accidentally write two thousand more words? Anyway, I hope this is a good valentine fic for Denki boy. I thought of it due to a prompt on tumblr. If I can later remember who it was who made it, I will edit this and have a link to that post.

Edit: Found it. The prompt was made by @love-me-a-good-prompt

~

When was it you started to look at him differently?

"Hey!"

You looked over your shoulder to find Kaminari making his way past several students in the cafeteria to get to you. You turned your body to face him. Though, you felt awkward about still holding your lunchtray, as if it was a barrier between you and him.

"Do you got a date for tomorrow?" he asked with a grin.

Your heart gave a weep at the reminder of Valentine's day. As if the hearts and commercials all over the place weren't enough. "What do you think?"

"Just checking." He dashed to get his lunch tray he had set down, and sped walked to your side as you picked a table to sit at.

Kaminari had been your friend for several months. One day you had simply overheard him talking about a manga, the same one you had read, and you jumped into the conversation. After that, the both of you became easy friends, and frequently had lunch at the same table.

"Why would you even ask?” You slid into a seat at the table. “You know there's no one I'm really interested in."

"Except for fictional characters," he added while getting into his own chair across from you.

"Yeah. Unfortunately they aren't available for me to ask out."

He leaned back in his seat. “We’re really missing out on these things. I thought by the time I was in high school training to be a cool hero, I would have tons of girls who like me by now.”

“And I, for some reason, thought I would magically manifest a special someone. But that’s clearly not happening anytime soon.” You stared down while absent mindedly stirring your food.

He suddenly sat straight and looked at you with a twinkle in his eyes. The kind that told you he had an idea. "What if we did all of that classy Valentine's day stuff together?"

"I think you meant cliche."

"Banana, ba- ... oh wait, that's not how the saying goes."

You let out a large laugh and nearly choked on your food.

"Something with tomatoes or potatoes," he continued with a wave of his hand as if throwing away the topic. "Well, what do you think? You wanna do it?"

"You just want the chocolate, don't you?"

"No! I would never!" He waved his arms around. "... Well, that too."

"I knew it!" You lifted your fork/chopstick of food into air in triumph. "Just make sure you get my favorite chocolate once White Day rolls around."

"Sure thing!" He gave a thumbs up. "I'm sure I can get enough money by then!"

"You've been using all of it on manga and snacks again, haven't you?"

"What else would I use it on?"

"Okay. Just don't use the money for my chocolate on manga."

"If I did, It would be a great manga and be worth a lot more than some chocolate. Actually, that should be a thing. Instead of getting girls chocolate, get them manga! And we should get manga too. ... So, are we doing it?" he asked when he paused long enough to think.

"I don't know,” you shrugged while taking another bite.

He slammed his hand on the table. "But you said it like you did! I just agreed to get you chocolate next month!"

"I was saying if I agreed. If I agreed then you would have to get me chocolate.” You internally laughed at his response.

Kaminari slumped in his chair. "Okay, but my point is, how long have we been single? And it doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon, so I was thinking why not we experience some of it while we're still in high school?"

"Hmmm," you tapped your finger against your lip. "Well, you have a point. And I guess I got nothing better to do tomorrow."

“So it’s a yes?” his eyes lit up.

“I guess so.”

“Yes!” He jumped up and some heads turned towards him. “I got a—!”

You hastily pulled him back down and got a hold of his ear. He yelped in pain before you shushed him. The attention he had gained was beginning to die down after doing that, much to your relief. You released a small puff of air, grateful that you didn’t feel like you were in a spotlight anymore.

“Kaminari,” you whispered into his ear, an edge present in your voice, “Don’t go announcing it to the world, especially if it’s not an actual date. Do not ruin it for me.”

You let go, and he got out of the awkward position of being pulled half way onto the table. Thankfully, he hadn’t landed in his food when you pulled him down. He settled back in his chair and rubbed his ear.

“Okay! You can count on me!”

 Maybe it was a bad idea to suddenly agree when that meant you had to make chocolate for him that night. You already had some chocolate you bought from the store for family and friends. One of those giri chocos was originally going to be his, but now you would have to actually make him honmei choco if you were going to have the whole Valentine's Day experience. You considered skipping on that for a brief second, but you had already agreed to do it. Plus, you weren't sure if you would ever get to do this during high school at this rate. And you wanted to at least have done it once.

You'd have to run to the store to get better quality chocolate, a cute wrap for it, and a heart shaped mold. In order to save time, you went directly to the nearest store after school. It would save time, which you didn't have much of it. You didn't know how long it would take to make them, and you wanted some extra time in case you make a mistake and had to do something over again.

It was more crowded than you thought. You also didn't realize how many stares you would get just for being in your U.A. uniform. Thankfully, everything you needed was there and you made your way to the counter to pay. As you were weaving your way through the people, you thought you saw another student. You did a double take. Uniform. Pink skin. Ashido.

You tried to duck and hide, but it was too late.

"Oh, hey!" She waved you down and ran to you. A bag of purchased goods was hanging from her arm. "What are you doing here? Are you getting last minute giri choco too!"

“I, uh.”

“Hey, isn't that stuff to make chocolate? Wait a second… OMG! Who’s the lucky person!”

You nervously held the items close to you. This was why you didn't want her seeing you. "No one, really. I'm just... making it for the experience." You put a smile onto your face and did your best to make the last half of the sentence sound cheery.

It wasn't technically a lie. You just hoped she bought it. Because if she kept prying and learned it was for Kaminari, you would never hear the end of it.

"Okay. Can I have some when you're done?" She joked and bumped your arm with her elbow.

"Only if I didn't eat it all first." You internally high fived yourself for the quick reply.

"Okay. Well, see you at U.A." She waved before dashing out the door.

"Bye!" You watched her go. When she was out of view, you exhaled a breath you didn't know you were holding.

 You stood nervously in the park. You wore a Valentine Day themed outfit you had put together, with the help of some ideas from the internet. It was 5:45 pm, the time you agreed on meeting. You had honestly expected him to be slightly late. Though it did nothing to make your feel less jittery.

There were quite a few people who also had the same idea of going to the park. Some friends playing Frisbee. A family walking by. And some couples. You scanned the area for him, multiple times, but still couldn't see him.

Why were you even so worried? This was your friend. It’s not like it was an actual date with someone you liked. If he forgot or something, you could just chew him out later. Then that 'what if' situation made you sick to your stomach and you forced yourself to stop thinking about it.

"Hey!"

You head turned up within a split second and you saw him. He wore a dark blue button up shirt. This plus his smile and hair... somehow made him look nice. A smile spread on your face, yet your nerves didn't completely calm down just yet.

"Hey!" You greeted back.

"You look nice," he commented.

"You too." You nodded. "So, what were you planning on doing first?"

"I thought we'd walk around here first, then go to this one restaurant. And after that we can wander around shops." he shrugged.

"Okay, sounds nice." You began walking side by side with him.

Your brain tried to sabotage the moment by beginning to make you feel awkward. You did your best to push it away. But were you supposed to be walking in silence? Or talking?

"You wanna hold hands?" He offered.

"Hmm," you joking held your finger to your lip in deep thought. "I think no."

"Oh, come on!" He acted upset, but there was a big grin on his face.

You laughed and he joined in. A few more jokes were thrown back and forth as you passed trees and other people. Though within a seemingly short amount of time, the conversation hit dead end. You pulled on your sleeve and look in any direction but him.

"Okay, this is getting boring,” he said. “Can we go to the restaurant now?”

"Lucky for you, I think we're almost at the end of the park, and I'm hungry."

“Yes!” he cheered. “They always make walking through the park look more fun in the movies.”

“Yeah,” you agreed with a laugh.

Kaminari led you to the place he picked out. Well, more like he tried to go there, then got lost and had to give up on relying on his memory. He made the brilliant move of pulling out his phone, setting the location on his map app, and he following it. But you both realized that he had gotten the point where you going mixed up with your location.  This resulted in having to backtrack and ignoring your growling stomach as it took even longer to get there.

Finally, you found it. You entered through door with him. Inside were tables placed around a large circle. The conveyor belt had several plates of food with different types of sushi and other dishes. The chiefs in the middle of the circle conveyor worked hard to keep the food coming. Almost every table was filled.

“Aw, man. We should have gotten here earlier,” Kaminari grabbed your hand. “C’mon.”

You both ran until you spotted a free table and slide in. It took a second to catch your breath after the sudden sprint. Sitting in the chair, you looked around more closely. It was a nice place. There were people chattering, some clanking of plates, and mouth watering food slowly passing by you. You reached up to begin to grab one, but then you stopped yourself.

"Wait, am I paying for myself or where you...?"

"You can have whatever you want. My treat," he replied with a ish eating grin. Probably meant that he thought what he just said was very cool.

You laughed to yourself and picked one and he did the same. It was good. You were pleasantly surprised, though you weren't sure why. Maybe it was because he had only learned of the restaurant while looking up ones online to take you to. And it was only yesterday that you agreed. Then again, you had made honmei choco the other night...

You suddenly remembered something and nearly choked on your sushi roll.

"You okay?" Kaminari said, unfortunately dismissing any hope you had that he didn't notice.

"No, I'm good. I just need to make a phone call. One second." You excused yourself and walked outside while pulling out your phone.

It was an uncomfortable change to suddenly be greeted by the chilly February air. Was it really that cold when you  were with Kaminari? You dialed your mom's number and resisted the urge to pace.

As soon as you heard the other end being picked up, you began. "Mom, I need you to get something for me. If you look in the kitchen, somewhere on the counter is where I left a bag of chocolate for Valentine's day. Can you bring that to me?" You had been so busy trying to get ready and be on time, that you had accidentally left the honmei choco you made.

"Uhh, okay. But where are you? It’ll be awfully hard to give it to you if I don’t know where you are."

"In a little bit I should be..." you tried to think of a good point to meet up, "near Takoba Municipal Beach Park. Probably close to that one gazebo. I'll text you that so you don't forget after I hang up."

"Okay. I hope you appreciate this. I really don't feel like going all the way out there to give you something you forgot."

"If I could go back and un-forget it, I would. Thank you. Bye."

With that, the call ended. You took a deep breath to calm your heart, which seemed to think forgetting chocolate was a catastrophic event, and went back inside.

When you caught sight of Kaminari again he was dunking a chunk of seaweed and fish into soy sauce, before shoving it into his already full mouth. He stopped  and paused upon seeing you. He chewed and swallowed as quickly as he could and finished by the time you sat back down.

"So, what was that about?" he started it off as a joke, but his voice seemed shaky for whatever reason.

"I just forgot something and asked Mom to go get it for me." Technically wasn't a lie.

"Oh, okay." He began eating more. He started counting the plates and you could see his face pale a tad.

"Is everything alright for you?"

"Huh? I mean, yeah, everything's great." He smiled at you.

You shrugged and focused your gaze on the conveyor belt. A particularly delicious looking morsel. It was clearly more expensive, with a nice layer of tuna in it. You reached out your hand, considering getting it when you saw Kaminari flinch at your action.

You turned to him. "Do I need to pay for my own meal?"

"No, no," he tried to retain the coolness he built up, "I can pay."

You sighed. "No, you are not going broke because of expensive fish."

"But, that's not-"

"What? It's not cool? Denki- oops.” You realized you accidentally used his given name.

His face turned the slightest bit pink, though you hardly even noticed in your own embarrassment. “That’s fine. You can call me Denki. We’ve known each other long enough.”

“Thanks,” you nodded and continued, “Denki, you are my friend," why did the word 'friend' leave a different taste this time 'round? "and I don't want you doing something stupid because you think it makes you look cool."

He struggled to make a comeback and ended up blurting out, "Doing something stupid that makes me look cool defines me."

"Look, let's split the bill between us, that way you pay for some of mine, but you don't spend up the money for the chocolate you promised me."

"Wait, you didn't care about me, you just wanted to make sure you still got chocolate." He faked an offended expression.

You exhaled a laugh. "Yeah, sure. Whatever makes you feel better. As long as you agree."

"Fine."

"But don't purposefully buy more just because I'm offering to pay half."

"Can't make any promises~"

"You little-"

Eventually, you became full enough, or rather reached the maximum to what you were willing to pay. Then you left. You blinked when you stepped out. You hadn’t expected it to become this dark. Kaminari began walking off, probably to some store or the mall, but you grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Is it alright if we stop by the beach?"

His eyes lit up, like the stars in the sky. "Great idea! That'd be much more romantic."

You expected to roll your eyes, but what you found was your face growing warm and your mouth being lost for words. Thankfully, he didn't notice and just started running for the beach, pulling you along. Buildings loomed over you in the dark, until they finally cleared and the beach came into view. The sea seemed to become the night sky. It gently washed over the sand in a rhymic pattern. The sound of it filled your ears and your senses listened. A sense of calmness washed over you.

You both walked up to the gate that separated the beach from the road. Kaminari leaned against the metal gate, resting on his arms. The two of you stared at the view in a comfortable silence.

“Wow, this is nice,” he commented.

“Yeah.” There was a weird feeling, somewhat reminiscent to a flutter or squeeze, in your chest. Something that made the moment seem more magical. You could almost feel this feeling rising and beginning to climb up your throat.

More silence, then a movement caught your attention out the corner of your eye. Your mom was waving to you and held a small bag that slightly reflected in the small amount of light there was.

“One second, I need to go get something,” you let him know and ran to your mom. “Thank you so much.”

“Just don’t make this a habit,” she handed it to you. Then she glanced to where Kaminari was and squinted. “Is that your date? Is that why you were making chocolate?”

“No,” your voice came out more unsure for some reason, “well, I… was just making that for myself. This is just giri choco.”

“Okay.” She shrugged. “Don’t stay out much longer.”

“I won’t.” You quickly ran back. “Hey,” you greeted him.

“Hey. What was that about?”

“Noting important,” you shrugged and leaned on the gate. “Oh, and here.” You held the bag out to him, trying to act cool and nonchalant, but you knew you had a big smirk on your face.

He gasped and snatched it out of your hold. He wrestled with the bag, trying to get it open. Once he succeeded, he looked inside. A big smile spread across his face and he pulled it out. He held a large chocolate heart on a stick, almost like a lollipop. You thought that would be fun to make. Of course, now that he held it, you could see all the tiny imperfections. Like where a small air bubble had been, or how some chocolate had gotten on the stick. But Kaminari didn’t seem to care at all. He stared at it in awe. Like he had just been given something he wanted for years.

“Wow! Wait, did your mom just give this to you? Did you forget?” he looked over to you.

“What, no, I would never…” you laughed nervously. “But I did make it. You better like it, or else,” you joked.

“I’m sure I will! Wow. You made this?”

“Yep. Last night.”

“Thank you!” He took a bite out of it and began happily chewing.

You smiled. Your eyes locked onto the gazebo on the beach. It looked really nice. The thought of you being in it made you want to go even more. Currently there was a couple there, but then they walked out and started going down the beach. Your eyes lit up.

You looked to Kaminari, tugged on his sleeve, and pointed to the now empty location.

He grinned. “I think I know what you’re thinking and I think we should do it too.”

With a couple of small laughs you both hurried down to the beach was fast as you could. The sand made you slow your pace into a walk, but you didn’t mind. The sea air on you felt refreshing, chilling your skin. The moon was beautiful and the water reflected slivers of the moonlight that danced.

"It looks really nice." You smiled.

"Yeah... wanna hold hands?" He offered his free hand to you.

To your surprise, this actually sounded nice. And to your greater surprise, you accepted. Your hand slipped in his perfectly. Almost like it found its home. The second you skin touched, it was like electricity ran through you and jump started your heart. You were about to ask if he was using his quirk, but quickly realized that it didn't feel exactly like electricity. But the strange feeling in your heart continued. You couldn't tell if it felt nice or if you wanted it to go away.

Your feet kept sinking in the sand until you reached the pier and had to get used to walking on concrete again. You made your way to the roof on the end of the pier, hand in hand. You stood by the edge. Staring at the water.

Kaminari took the last bite. “That was delicious.”

“Thanks.”

“So…” he looked around. He put the stick back into the bag and placed it in his pocket. “Wanna dance?”

Instead of your usual joking reply, you felt flustered, but shyly accepted. He pulled out his phone and started some music up. You put your hand in his and the other on his shoulder. He held you by the waist. You tried to regulate your breathing and calm down. The two of you began spinning in time with the music. He twirled you around. You even did that one move you would see in movies. When you’d spin out, like a door opening, while still holding his hand. The he’d pull you back to him. It all felt simple, and fun.

Right as the fourth song was ending, you had an overwhelming urge to ask him something. “Umm,” then you stopped yourself when you realized exactly what it was you actually wanted to ask. But why did it feel like it was rising out of your throat, desperately wanting to be said.

“Yeah?” he looked at you. His yellow eyes made you feel like melting, an effect they never had up until that point.

“I… it was nothing.”

“Really?”

“No.” You cursed yourself for automatically saying the truth.

 “Then what is it?” He looked at you more intently.

Your mind was doing somersaults trying to figure out what to do or say. “Date, please,” you blurted out.

“Huh?”

“Well, um.” You really wished you had kept your mouth shut. You stared down and said in the most quiet voice possible, “I think maybe I kinda like you and maybe, kinda, want to go on a real date with you. Maybe? If you’d be fine with that, maybe.”

“Wait,” he stepped back as if in surprise. “You. Want to date… me?”

Your face was burning to the point you wanted to stick into the water like an ostrich. “Yes?”

He threw his arms in the air and jumped around. “Yes! I got an actual date! I’m finally dating someone! They said I couldn’t do it!”

“You don’t need to announce it to the whole world.” You laughed.

“Well, you are m—”

“I swear, if you say finish with ‘my world’ I will knock you over the head.”

He let out a big laugh. “Why? You don’t want to be my world?”

His laughter was contagious. “No, it’s cheesy, and this literally just happened a minute ago.”

You both started to walk back, and hardly even noticed when your hands slipped perfectly into one another.

[winryofresembool]

Caleo fic: It’s all about the name

Chapter 5

Summary: Calypso is a barista at a coffee shop and one day she gets a customer who refuses to give her his real name. At first he seems really annoying but eventually Calypso finds out not all is what it looks like on the surface. (Coffee shop AU!)

a/n: OK, I lied about this being the final chapter (no one is surprised). I decided it'd be better to split the final part into two because it was getting pretty long and I didn't want to rush it, so here we go. At least we'll get some answers in this chapter :'D The 'epilogue' will be posted soon, hopefully tomorrow already or on Tuesday the latest so stay tuned for that!

Hope you guys enjoy, and please let me know what you think!!

Words: 2,7k+

Genre: fluff, humor

Warnings: none

previous chapters / AO3

...

For a couple of months the Bad Boy Supreme showed up at the coffee shop pretty much every day. Sometimes he stayed a bit longer - those days weren’t that busy at the garage so Jo was fine with him staying – and sometimes he just dropped by to say a quick hi to Calypso, but he still always came. That’s why, when he suddenly didn’t appear anymore, Calypso got really worried. Had something happened to him? Had she done something wrong? Those questions and more went through her head.

On the first day that he was away, Calypso kept glancing at the clock every couple of minutes, and back to the door, but she didn’t see the familiar curly hair anywhere. When a full hour had gone since the guy’s regular break time, Calypso was visibly restless and pacing back and forth behind the counter. It got to a point where Reyna had to pull her to the backroom to talk to her.

“Are you really that wound up over that guy? Wow, Calypso, I knew you liked him but… this is getting kind of out of hands. I’m sure there’s some perfectly understandable reason why he isn’t coming today; he is probably just too busy or has caught a cold or something else completely normal.”

“But… what if it’s something I did?” Calypso asked with frustration, pulling the end of her braid.

“You haven’t done anything wrong; I saw him smile as wide as you can possibly imagine when he left yesterday. So, please calm down,” Reyna tried to reassure her.

Calypso moped at her. “Easier said than done. But about that earlier: who has said anything about me liking him? I’m just worrying about him… like you’d worry about a friend?”

“Goodness, Cal, you should see your face every time he appears. I can see you trying to keep a poker face but your eyes say ‘bésame ahora’,” Reyna teased.

Calypso did have a pretty good idea of what that sentence meant even though she didn’t know a lot of Spanish (although she was more motivated to learn now that she knew the Bad Boy Supreme was a Spanish speaker as well). She felt her face heat at Reyna’s implications but still wasn’t ready to admit that her coworker may have been right.

“I don’t understand what you’re saying now,” she claimed but Reyna didn’t buy it.

“You definitely do,” she stated. “You’re not that amazing an actress, you know. Your voice got squeaky and I could compare the color of your face to tomatoes.”

“Whatever.” Calypso rolled her eyes. “Can we please go back to work now? I don’t want to keep the people waiting.”

“You know just as well as me that it’s quiet at this time of the day,” Reyna reminded her. “But sure, we can go back as long as you’ll stop pacing around like crazy.”

“I will,” Calypso promised. “I don’t owe anything to that guy anymore and he doesn’t owe anything to me either so he doesn’t have to come here if he doesn’t want to.” She sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than Reyna.

“He still hasn’t told you his name?” Reyna asked with surprise, having noticed Calypso calling him ‘that guy’. “That’s so weird. I thought he’s just into you as you’re into him.”

“Well, we’re just playing this game…” Calypso started hesitantly. “Ugh, forget about it. I could easily ask his coworkers or something but I don’t want to pry. He’ll slip it eventually.”

“Okay, I’ll just call him Bad Boy Supreme then,” Reyna shrugged before going back to her work.

…

Days passed. The first few days Calypso tried to calm herself down by telling herself that her mystery guy really was just busy and he’d surely come back soon enough. But once a couple of weeks had gone since his last appearance, she became restless again. This time Reyna and the others decided that it was better to just let her be that way until it passed because there really wasn’t much they could say to comfort her. As a result, Calypso seemed more effective in her work but mistakes also happened more often and she had to apologize to her customers at least twice as often as she had previously. The manager luckily brushed it off as a ‘learning process’.

Eventually that phase ended, though. After a few months had gone by, Calypso started to get convinced that the Bad Boy Supreme was not coming back. She was now calm again but at the break time she still kept glancing at the door sadly, hoping to see the familiar figure. She hadn’t realized how much she really had been looking forward to his visits until they abruptly ended and she wished she had gotten a chance to tell him that before he disappeared. But maybe it was better this way; maybe she had been the more interested one, just like in all of her previous relationships.

On one busy afternoon, Calypso wasn’t thinking about the mystery guy a lot anymore. Sure, she had briefly noted that it was the usual break time again, but she was no longer expecting to see him and was focused on serving the customers that were currently present. That’s why, when the bells above the door rang again and in came a new customer, she didn’t pay a lot of attention to him at first. She just nodded and said a quick hi before finally raising her gaze from her work to see who had arrived. Her mouth involuntarily opened into the shape of ‘O’ when she finally registered who it was. There was no mistaking that curly hair and the mischievous, yet warm, almost chocolate colored eyes.

“Oh my gods, it’s you!” She finally managed to squeak after gulping a couple of times so she could get some voice out of her mouth. Her face melted into the widest smile she was capable of and she had to contain herself so she wouldn’t jump over the desk to hug him. “I didn’t… I wasn’t expecting…” She cleared her throat and said with a lower, fake angry voice: “I mean, you’re really late, mister.”

He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, but still seemingly happy to see her. “Sorry ‘bout that, Sunshine, a lot of weird things happened recently and I just couldn’t come here even though I wanted to.”

“Well, you’re going to have to explain to me what exactly happened,” Calypso demanded. She couldn’t keep her face angry for long, though. “But before that, what do you want to drink? A double espresso?”

“You know well it was a one time occasion and I didn’t even get that drink!” The guy reminded her. “I’d like your freshly made orange soda today, though. It reminds me of Sunshine.”

“Okay, coming up,” Calypso nodded, wondering if the air conditioning didn’t work that day because she was suddenly feeling rather warm.

“Not gonna ask my name today, are you?” the guy asked with amusement while watching her do her work.

“No. I don’t need to,” Calypso said mysteriously without raising her eyes from the cup.

“Oh?” he asked curiously but she didn’t elaborate so he moved to the other counter to wait.

Calypso took her time with the soda and the guy seemed to wonder if she did that on purpose, until finally she stepped forward and gave him the plastic cup with his ‘name’ on it.

“Alright, Bad Boy Supreme, here you go!”

The guy’s thoughtful frown melted into a huge smile immediately. “Did… I just hear right??” he asked and checked the cup. “Did you just say the magic word?”

“I did, but don’t you dare to make a big number out of it!” she warned, but the twinkle in her eye was enough to tell that she wasn’t being serious.

“No worries, no worries, I won’t,” the Bad Boy Supreme reassured her, raising his free hand up. “But what made you change your mind? I thought you refused to say it?”

“I don’t want to tell,” Calypso said reluctantly.

“C’mon, just do it.”

Calypso didn’t answer for a while, pretending to be more interested in swiping the table. When the guy didn’t show any signs of giving up, though, she finally spoke. “The truth is that I promised to myself that if you’d show up again, I would finally give in. Well, I did it. You won. Go ahead and laugh.”

“No, I won’t. That’s kinda sweet of you.” There was a short pause. “Well, I promised to tell you my real name, so here it comes: I’m Leo. Leo Valdez,” the Bad Boy Supreme said sheepishly and looked a bit embarrassed for some reason.

“Leo,” Calypso tasted the name on her tongue. “I think I like it. It does suit you better than Bad Boy Supreme.”

Leo took a swig from his cup to get something to do with his hands. “Eh heh. Listen. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you earlier. It was pretty stupid of me… I didn’t intend to keep that game going that long because I actually wanted you to learn to know me better. And I wanted to learn to know you better.”

Surprising even herself, Calypso said: “Don’t worry about it. If I really would have tried, I’m sure I would have found out somehow, for example going to your boss and asking her. I… had kind of fun trying to guess it. I wasn’t too far off with that Leon, right?”

“That’s true,” Leo grinned. “I was kind of trying to bluff when I started talking about Ed instead so you wouldn’t notice my reaction to that name.”

“Oh, yeah, I remember that!” Calypso exclaimed. “I should have gotten the hint.”

“Well, you know now and that’s what matters, right?” Leo asked.

“Yeah. Um, and about that thing you said earlier…” Calypso blamed the air conditioner for feeling even warmer than a moment before. “I’d like to learn to know you better as well. Although thinking about it, you’ve probably told me more than you even realize already. About Emmie, Jo, Georgina, your friends, family, Festus… But hey, you promised to tell me why you were gone so long, so come on, let’s go sit there so you can fill me in.”

Calypso’s workmates knew better than to say no to her when she suggested having a break so she could talk with Leo, and they went to sit at an empty table opposite to each other.

“So, what happened?” Calypso asked once they were seated.

“Well… remember how we one time talked about our future dreams?” Leo asked, to which Calypso nodded. “After that talk I started doing some maths in my head - yeah, laugh ahead, but I can actually count surprisingly well - and discussed the topic also with Jo and Emmie and they said they’d be more than happy to help me give me a chance to continue studying. Practically, it means they’re willing to give me more flexible work hours and they promised that I can continue staying at their house until I want to or have enough money to move to a place of my own. We have some mechanics come and go and many of them stay there for long periods of time so it’s no problem for them. Anyway, after that I learned that the next entrance exam for the mechanical engineering program would be held in about a month so I needed to start studying right away. That’s a big reason why I didn’t have time to come here, but it was worth it, because guess what…” He pulled a big envelope from his bag. “I just got this today. And it says…” he did some drum rolls on the table with his fingers. “I got in!”

“That’s amazing!” Calypso exclaimed and couldn’t hold herself still anymore, instead getting up from her chair to hug him. “I’m very happy for you!”

“Of course it means I’ll have less time to come here in the future but we’ll make it work, right?” Leo said a bit uncertainly once they separated, blushing hard.

“What do you mean with ‘we’?” Calypso asked, not wanting to give herself false hope.

Leo rubbed the back of his neck. “Um… I… that… of course I still wanna keep seeing you! Why do you think I came to this coffee shop every day for several months even though I don’t even drink coffee?” “You… came because of me? I mean, I thought…”

“For such a smart seeming girl you really are dense,” Leo noted. “Of course I came because I liked you. You made quite the first impression already on the day we met.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything, then?” Calypso wanted to know.

“Because at first I thought you were way out of my league and probably hated me and then you told me you had recently broken up with someone and… yeah. Multiple reasons. And then the college thing happened and my friend Jason got into an accident and… Sorry, I guess I didn’t mention that yet,” Leo finished when he noticed Calypso’s expression.

“Wait, what? Your friend got into an accident? Is he OK?” Calypso asked with concern.

“Yeah, he’s gonna be OK. He had luck on his side because that car accident could have ended a whole lot differently but he’s now recovering in the hospital. The doctors expect him to make a full recovery. But we were definitely quite worried about him for a while.”

“I’m sorry… But I’m happy he’s getting better.” Calypso said, resting her hand on Leo’s for a moment as a gesture of comfort.

“Yeah… It’s a relief…” Leo nodded absentmindedly.

“You sounded like you wanted to tell something else as well.” Calypso remarked after a while.

Leo seemed to snap out of his thoughts. “Well, you’re not wrong… Did I ever tell you that I’ve never met my real dad? Well, I have now. Turns out he’s working at the same college I applied for, I saw him on the day of my entrance exam. A huge technology nerd, it seems. No, I’m not planning to stay in touch with him in my free time – the dude abandoned me and my mother before even legally admitting he’s my father – but… I dunno. It is still kind of interesting to see what kind of person he is.”

“Wow, sounds like you’ve really had a lot going since we last met. But it is good to hear things are starting to work out… and who knows, maybe your father turns out to be a decent guy. Wouldn’t that be great?” Calypso asked.

“I guess…” he shrugged. “But right now I’m more interested in other things.”

“Such as…?” Calypso inquired.

“You really missed me that much that you were even ready to call me Bad Boy Supreme if I showed up again?” Leo teased.

“Oh gods, I was wondering when the jerk would appear again…” Calypso said with partially faked annoyance.

“You still like me, though,” Leo stated.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

A moment of silence.

“Leo Valdez, will you go out with me?” Calypso blurted before she could regret it.

“Yes… I mean… YES?!” He stared at her with wide eyes and she couldn’t help but giggle at his expression.

“Alright, glad to know where we stand.”

Leo was quiet for a while. “Holy shit, I can’t believe you just asked me out…” he looked at the distance with a dreamy expression on his face. “I was hoping but…”

“Well, you don’t have to hope anymore, silly. I really did it.” Calypso smiled at him encouragingly.

“I… I…” Leo was still too flustered to say much else.

“I guess that means ‘I’m looking forward to it’?” Calypso interpreted before glancing at the queue of customers by the counter. “Looks like I should go back to work but I can text you afterwards.”

“Alright…”

The couple exchanged their phone numbers, but before Calypso handed Leo’s phone back, she surprised him once more by giving him a kiss on the cheek. Once she was already long gone, Leo still remained on his seat, his fingers touching the spot where her lips had been.

[matkomakto]

How was it to be a volunteer in Italy?

In this post I want to describe my experience as an AIESEC volunteer in Bologna (I posted a lot during this period on my Instagram). My project was related to SDG4, or in other words Quality Education. The name of my NGO is EduChange. What I did in practice was teaching English and giving presentations about Poland and Polish culture to Italian children at the age of 9-10 (and once 14, but that’s a different story). I will put a line now, so that if you’re not interested you won’t have to scroll like crazy.

ARRIVAL

I don’t want to describe the whole procedure of applying, it’s very easy and nothing really happens. Before you leave you have two meetings - one in your local AIESEC and the other via Internet with the one you’re going to. My journey starts on January, 17th. In the morning I entered a bus to Kraków, from where I departed at 4pm to Venice, and then to Bologna. Venice welcomed me with rain (I got a little cold because of that, but Gripex saved my life once again) and so did Bologna. The whole journey took 26 hours (yes, I went by bus and you can’t judge me). Somewhere on my way my first host-mum, Mary, messaged me wishing me a good journey and asking if I was safe (and in this sentence you have everything about this woman - always kind and caring <3). A few hours later, my other host-mum, Chiara, who was supposed to take me from the station messaged me too. At the station I was welcomed by Chiara and Matilde, one of my new sisters (in general, now I have 3 sisters and 1 brother). In the car I met Davide, dad, and Carlotta, my other sister (or daughter, as some people would say). After a short conversation, I realised we were in the house of Mary, where I was about to spend next 3 weeks of my life. I was tired af, but it’s understandable, I think. I messaged my buddy, Marie Claire (oh, haven’t told you about her — a buddy is a person from bolognese AIESEC, who takes care of you, a kind of nanny I’d say) and my manager, Sofia. And then I had dinner and went to sleep. I was sleeping from 14.00 till 11.00 on Sunday. I had no idea what would happen next.

FERRARA

I woke up when nobody was at home. It was a bit creepy tbh. On the table I found a note “We’ll be home at 12, eat anything you want” (I didn’t, my stomach was still acting as if I were in the bus). When the whole family, it means — Mary, Andrea, Athina and Achille, came back, they told me “We’re going to Ferrara��. I thought “What is Ferrara?”. It’s a beautiful town near Bologna, where we spent an amazing afternoon. I didn’t know anything about this town, and even if Mary and Andrea tried their best as guides, I spent a whole evening using Google Maps to identify objects I had seen. Among them were the Cathedral, Palazzo Muncipale, Castello Estense, Palazzo dei Diamanti and Via delle Volte. I ate a delicious cake, which name I don’t remember, filled with Nutella. Achille kept complaining “Maddalena’s cake is the best!” (they all  ok, almost all called me Maddalena, which is Italian version of Magdalena). In the evening we played all three in the living room and I was texted by Serena, an English teacher from one schools I was going to teach in, also one of my best bolognese friends. With her message I became both excited and anxious about the next day.

FIRST DAY(S)

All the anxiety disappeared when I entered the first school. The children were so lovely and cheerful that I fell in love with them (in a good meaning ofc) instantly. On the first lesson I was just sitting and doing nothing. Then, Serena came, and I was helping her to answer children’s questions during a final test. Believe me, there were hundreds of them. I came home tired, but happy. And finally I became hungry and ate everything I was offered (I always have a problem with eating far from home). The next day meant another school. It was less pleasant as a building, as Mary described it - it looked more like a hospital. Nevertheless, both the teachers and the students again were pure love. In the canteen I sat with 5 boys, who were supposed to make an interview with me. I felt as if I had been watching Familiada live. Then, one of the teachers came to our table hugging one boy saying “Ask him as often as you can. He’s my son”. Lovely, isn’t it? XD In the next class two girls came to me, giving me a drawing (I have it still in my diary). When I asked in Italian if it was for me, I heard a loud, full of shock “LEI CAPISCEEEEEEEEE”. One of the funniest things during these first days is that nobody knew I spoke Italian, and seeing their faces as they discovered it was a very entertaining activity. Wednesday was my day out, I’ll describe it later. On Thursday and on Friday I went to the third school. I ended up in Athina’s class and believe me, it’s really hard to be in one class with your sibling. Fun fact, both English teachers in that school are Rosannas, which confused me a bit these days.

DISCOVERING BOLOGNA

Finally, on my free Wednesday I got an opportunity to go to the centre. I remember my heartbeat when the bus no.13 entered the centre, it was fulfilling of a dream I made as a 13-year-old girl. I walked through Via d’Azeglio and found myself in Piazza Maggiore. Do you remember that scene from Home Alone, where Kevin realises he’s home alone and walks along screaming as crazy? It was me at the moment (but I screamed internally, don’t be scared). I entered Basilica (which I loved and I came back there several times, even twice on the same day). When I went out, I met Marie Claire. She was my guide that day, we had a great time as she showed me Bologna and its 6 secrets (google it). Later I was supposed to go on an AIESEC meeting (there were 2 meetings and Global Village). I continued my trip around city centre from Saturday till Monday, even if the weather wasn’t as great as on Wednesday. Also, on Saturday we spent a few hours “occupando Italia in un Irish pub” with other volunteers. On that day I discovered KIKO Milano, which is now my #1 makeup brand, I’m addicted to it, sorry if I’m a disappointment.

WEEK #2

I was about to write “Nothing interesting really happened”. But damn, I survived a power shortcut in one of the schools, I ate a true Italian pizza and gelato for the first time, I prepared 120 minutes of lesson in 5 minutes because the teacher was absent, I got engaged into “International Mother Tongue Day” organised by one of my schools, I bought a pair of beautiful shoes, I started to enjoy my new social life (volunteers, ily’all and miss y’all <3) and I managed to organise my first trip completely on my own. If that’s nothing then I don’t know what it is. Oh yes, my famous trips, or as I heard from some people “you have too much money”. Let’s remember the first one.

ROME

No matter how hard I try to overcome it, the very first thing I remember about Rome is the pain in my feet. If you’re ever in Rome, please children, don’t go there in brand-new shoes and try not to walk 21,5 km in a single day. As a true Polish, I will start with complaining. I waited 1,5h for a bus and it didn’t have a machine to buy tickets, as they have in Bologna (Bologna-Rome 1:0). On Saturday, despite not the best weather, I made a beautiful trip from Basilica Papale di Santa Maria Maggiore, through Colloseum, Forum Romanum, Altare della Patria, Palazzo Colonna, Fontanna di Trevi, Piazza Navona, Castel Sant’Angelo to the Vatican City and its museum (I have an illegal photo from Sistine Chapel, but shh). My friends volunteers, who also were in Rome, wanted me to go with them to Trastevere, but believe me, I was dying. The next day I did the check out before 8am and I enjoyed empty Rome on Sunday morning, it was amazing. I visited Trinità dei Monti. It was almost empty, @turbinis​ told me I was very lucky, so I will make you see how my luck looks like:

INDEED.IT.WAS.EMPTY.AND.ONE.HOUR.LATER.I.CAME.BACK.THERE.AND.IT.WAS.FULL.OF.PEOPLE.

WEEK #3

In one class there was a Polish boy. Whenever I saw him, he was yelling “CZEEEŚĆ” and whenever I told something about Poland all the children looked at him in the way “Do you confirm what she’s saying?” This week also brought me two great memories with my bro, Achille. He was sick and out of school and this week he was supposed to be back. He was a bit depressed and thought he would have to study all night. Oh, I forgot about the deep existential question he asked me two weeks before: “Have you ever loved someone on this Earth?”. Deep, you must admit. Another time, he was watching cartoons. When his cartoon ended, they started a cartoon for younger kids. He got offended, switched off the tv and took off the battery from the remote control, because “he won’t watch things for babies”. I remember that one day I became extremely hungry and the next day I went to Café Zamboni (coming back from Pinacoteca, which was amazing btw) and ate so much, that I could barely walk XD. I started realising that I want to go to Erasmus here. It was also a week of Sanremo, I remember with laugh how Athina tried to show her dad the performance of Achille Lauro and poor babbo was running away from her and her phone (I was team Gabbani, although now, when I’m writing this, I hear a loud “FAAAAAI RUMOOORE QUIIIII”). On Friday I got compliments from Rosanna and Rosanna for being a good teacher. They really liked how I had substituted Rosanna#1 the week before. Having my wings grown, I started my next trip, using Frecciarossa for the first time.

NAPLES

Although you may not believe it, it was the first time I had seen the sea. Moreover, I saw it for the first time in the same place as did Elena Greco in “L’amica geniale”, but I realised it a few weeks later. Getting out of the hostel, I went down Via Toledo, Galleria Umberto I, Castel Nuovo to Piazza del Plebiscito. I swear, I will fight anyone who says that Naples is dirty/ugly/both. Also, everyone was telling me about thieves, but somehow I didn’t get stolen. After I finished a gelato on Piazza, I went to the sea. It was one of the most beautiful feelings I’ve ever experienced. I thought “Screw all the sightseeing, you will do it tomorrow. Enjoy the sea today”, and so I did. I followed Lungomare all the time, passing along Castel dell’Ovo to the Mappatella beach. As it was the first time I saw the sea, the beach was also a whole new experience. Kids, never ever go to the beach in winter shoes, did you know? Because I didn’t. Probably I would watch a sunset there, but I got a bit scared with all those theft-stories and I was in the hostel before it got dark (I watched the sunset on Piazza del Plebiscito though). On Sunday I went from Santa Maria del Carmine, via Via San Biagio dei Librai and Via dei Tribunali to the Cathedral, Piazza Nazionale and train station. I arrived in Bologna at 11pm tired, but happy.

WEEK #4

In the middle of my stay, I moved to my second host family. At the beginning it was a bit weird (just like every time you change your life 180°). Everything changed the next evening, when I stayed home alone with my sisters and their nanny. We had a great time playing games and joking. Although I’m still ashamed that I lose in Mario, which was the game of MY childhood :C. That week another AIESEC meeting took place. Even two meetings, because on February, 14th there was a Global Village. It was a great event, even if I couldn’t enjoy it till the end, because the next day I had to wake up early. For the train. Btw, it was a Valentine’s Day, wasn’t it? I received some sweet cards from my students and it made my heart melt. After school we met with Marie Claire, who showed me something that now I miss a lot - tigelle.

FLORENCE

I woke up with a strong “oh shit” feeling. But as I realised I’m going to Florence, I got up and got ready in 20 minutes. Everyone was still sleeping, though I woke up Chiara when I tried to open the door. It was a cursed day for trains, I think. The train to Florence had too few wagons (I was assigned #9, but there were only 7, though they let me in) and the train from Florence was 40min delayed (I got into precisely on time I should get off in Bologna). I spent a wonderful day, mostly contemplating Il Duomo. Seriously, I took 42 photos of it, which makes almost a half of all photos taken in Florence. I can’t resist to put here at least one:

When I arrived to Ponte Vecchio, I saw a beautiful exhibition of jewelry. Really, it was so beautiful, that I couldn’t stop watching it. I even took a photo of it. As I started to continue my trip I said to myself “Magdalena, you will regret it till the end of your life!” So I came back and bought one bracelet. For 130€. Do I regret it? No. Would I regret if I hadn’t bought it? Yes. I will even show it to you.

One of the most important highlights is the visit to Capelle Medicee - if you ever go to Florence, go there, it costs only 2€ if you’re below 25 (or 26 idk). I enjoyed an amazing view from Giardini Boboli, saw another Neptun Fountain (like, Italians, aren’t you done with them yet???) and took a rest in front of Santa Croce. As a nice finish, I watched the sunset by the Cathedral.

WEEK #5

That Sunday (yes, now I start with Sunday, why not) Chiara woke me up early in the morning and we went to Matilde’s training (she plays rugby and btw Athina plays tennis and Carlotta does skating, I’m really proud of them). After the match (Matilde’s team won ofc) we went to Chiara’s parents. Oh my, I had never thought that people who had never seen me before would treat me as if I were their granddaughter, because that’s what I felt. I don’t remember if I ever had such a dinner, in such an atmosphere. I miss nonna’s tortellini, no one will ever prepare me better ones. In the evening, we played Dixit (a bit of Katowice flashback), the best game ever and don’t even try to say something different. Monday and Tuesday were the days of saying goodbye, since next week these days were supposed to be free. On Wednesday I spent a nice afternoon/evening with Heloísa, my Brasilian friend. We both didn’t know then that we will miss going out so much. On Thursday and on Friday I was a bit sick, I don’t know whether it was just a cold, a beginning of flu or covid-19, which everyone believes me to have had. Nevermind, on Saturday I was completely well.

SAN LUCA

San Luca is a sanctuary located on a hill near Bologna. You can go there on foot, through 666 “portici”. So did I with my host-mom Chiara and Carlotta. It was a beautiful, sunny day. I remember Carlotta running fast up the stairs and being tired when we went down. My sister has a big, pure heart. She gave her chocolate to a homeless man. Also, on that day she became my daughter. At least for the woman in the souvenir shop. (If you ask about Matilde, she was on a soccer game with her dad)

WEEK #6 HOW IT ALL COLLAPSED

Here, I should describe my last week in Italy. But I won’t.

It all started on Sunday morning. I had bought train tickets to Venice and Rimini a few days before. Chiara said “Do you know, there are more and more cases of coronavirus in Venice, in the evening there will be an official communicate. Consider not going there tomorrow”. All I said was “Okay.”. But really, I had no fear of this virus, I even thought I would take advantage of it, because panic means it will be less crowded, no? In the afternoon I went to the centre. In Piazza Maggiore, Via dell’Indipendenza and near the Two Towers people were celebrating the end of the carnival. As I don’t like crowded spaces, I went for a walk near Via San Vitale and Strada Maggiore. As the sun started to set, I decided to go back home. I received a message from AIESEC members that all schools in Emilia Romagna are closed. “A whole free week, cool” I thought. But as the new messages appeared I realised, that there would be no Venice tomorrow. They wrote “Please, don’t travel”. But then it was not my problem. I wanted to get into a bus, but somehow all the bus stops were empty. I had to go back on foot. Have I mentioned that I lived about 5 km from the centre? So, it was a long walk. As I walked, I tried to think what I would do for a whole week as probably the girls will go to grandparents’ and Chiara and Davide have their works. With Chiara we made a decision, I have to go back to Poland. We contacted a few members, about an hour later I had new bus tickets on my phone. We went to a supermarket, it was as if a war was coming. 5 minutes before closing the shop was full of people. And empty on shelves a few minutes later. At 10pm we drove to grandparents to leave the girls there. It was one of the hardest farewells in my life. You can ask why, they are not even your family. Maybe because I remember Carlotta’s words, when they both occupied the whole sofa and I asked “Oh, there’s no longer place for me, is there?” she answered “There will always be a place for you here”. Maybe because I remember Matilde’s head on my shoulder when we were on the way. Maybe because I remember how grandma treated me as her real granddaughter giving me some food and her confitures to Poland. Maybe because all these people showed me more familiar love and affection in these 5 weeks than I received from my real family. Maybe because they still text me asking how I’m doing. Maybe.

I stayed awake till 3am, making my suitcase and handbags. On Monday I went to school, which was closed, to make a closing meeting and to say goodbye to my first host-family. I went for a last coffee and pizza to my favourite restaurant nearby and came back home. I watched tv all the afternoon and had a farewell-pizza as a supper (2 pizzas in a day, very healthy, Magdalena). On Tuesday at 6am I was in a bus heading to Prague and then to Kraków. Instead of watching the sea in Rimini, I was watching some fields somewhere between Kraków and my town.

To make a happy end, it was the time of my life, I’d write something better here but it’s almost 1:30am when I write this, so sorry :C

[strawberrymeriadoc]

Saturday morning

Merry enjoyed having a bed to himself. Peony would sometimes snuggle with him when he first lay down to sleep or in the morning. On some level, though, Merry missed the feeling of safety and belonging he got from sleeping next to someone. It had been almost a year since his girlfriend, Jamie, had broken up with him. It was funny because he had spent a decent amount of the relationship fantasizing about leaving her. But once it finally happened, he wasn’t prepared. He missed resting his head on her chest and putting his arms around her as they slept.

[To tell the truth, Merry didn’t know if he ever wanted another relationship or not. There was something about being in them that set him into fight or flight mode. For the duration of the relationship. No wonder he didn’t feel like himself during them. But doubt filled his mind: is it just because of my trauma with abusive relationships? Merry knew that he always wanted the closeness of an intense friendship marked by fierce loyalty and love. And that in the past, once he felt such a pull to a person, he’d end up feeling like the next logical step would be to enter a romantic and sexual relationship with that person. He had no choice if he wanted to be that close to someone. Or, at least, that’s what he always thought. Lately, Merry had heard rumors here and there of something called being aromantic. It had come up in passing a few times at the university’s lgbtq organization. But he didn’t want to be that. It’s bad enough I don’t want to have sex with people. Do I have to be wrong about this too?

After pondering all this, Merry felt it was high time to actually get up and start the day. It was Shabbat, so there wasn’t really anything he should do today, but eating breakfast was still a (begrudged) requirement. Merry walked quietly by Pippin’s room and came into the kitchen. For once Pippin wasn’t asleep on the couch and Merry wondered when he would get up as it was already noon. Merry silently hoped that Pippin might want to hang out with him today. He was used to feeling unwanted by Jamie and she would get upset if he suggested an outing, so his hopes weren’t very high. Regardless, it was a perfect day to sit out on the balcony and enjoy some coffee.

Once outside, Merry could hear the chirping of sparrows as well as the sounds of the city. Being Shabbat, it was much quieter than it usually would be at noon, but Merry could still hear the sounds of a plane overhead and a few cars and motorbikes which were somehow the loudest of all. Merry was thankful it was Shabbat. It had been a long week. He spent half his days in the library and the other half cleaning the apartment and just doing the necessary dirty work of making sure life ran smoothly. Merry loathed this kind of busy work most of all. He didn’t want to email his advisor, he didn’t want to get the fridge fixed, he didn’t want to go grocery shopping, he didn’t want to call the pharmacy for the fourth time to make sure his Testosterone prescription had gone through. He just wanted to read his books, write, ride horses, and hang out with his friends. Merry suddenly felt silly for mentally complaining about all these things, even though no one was around to hear it. He half worried that G-d Themself would be angry with him. For not being grateful enough for what he had. Merry didn’t love this relationship he had with G-d. He thought it seemed suspiciously like his relationship with his mother. And as far as he knew, there was nothing in the Torah or the teachings of the rabbis that would support the existence of such a relationship (or, really, for the existence of G-d all together, though that thought also filled Merry with fresh guilt and a feeling of being watched and judged).

Pippin was just waking up from a cozy dream. He half opened his eyes and saw Peony sitting before him, tail wrapped around her paws. She was staring intensely at him. “Up to our judginess early, aren’t we?” he half-scolded her. Peony flicked her tail and continued to look at him, clearly nonplussed. Pippin closed his eyes and thought about what he wanted to do today. Coming up blank, the boy reached for his phone and checked his messages. There was a sweet good morning text from Frodo. And the pictures he posted of the dinner he made last night were fairly popular. He was glad to hear from his friends even if it was just a like on one of his creations. He scrolled through and saw some pictures of lovely handwriting that Frodo often posted. Rosie and her siblings had gone for a day trip to the Sea. Even Bilbo was sharing some photos of his most recent trip to the Lonely Mountain. Pippin felt sad. He really wanted to travel. He was sick of being cooped up in boring old Minas Tirith.

Finally, the boy realized he was quite hungry and made his way to the kitchen. Merry was sitting outside on the balcony. He was looking out and seemed deep in thought and hadn’t noticed that Pippin had woken up. Pippin set to making an omelet. He didn’t hold with coffee like his roommate, but enjoyed a hot cup of green tea instead. As he ate, he thought about Gandalf, his Organic Chemistry professor. Pippin was about to enter his second year of graduate school and as such this would be his first semester assistant teaching. This was all fine with Pippin. Except he had been assigned to assist Gandalf in his Introduction to Environmental Science class. I can hardly stand one class with him, Pippin thought, how am I supposed to endure being his assistant?” Gandalf was an enigmatic figure in the Science Department. He would sometimes disappear for weeks, forcing his teaching assistants to cover for him with no notice. He also had a habit of not explaining his full thoughts to the other members of the department, but Saruman the Chair seemed to manage the department perfectly well despite the wizard’s secrecy. To make matters worse, Gandalf seemed to have a particular chip on his shoulder about Pippin. The boy was one of the finest students in the department despite being a year young for his grade. Perhaps the professor was pushing his pupil because he knew he could handle it. I wish people wouldn't do that, lamented Pippin, why when I’m already doing so well do they keep having to raise the bar? This was really all too much to Pippin. The more he thought about it, the more he became convinced that he wouldn’t be able to make it through the semester, much less the year.

Suddenly the room felt very small and like it was circling rapidly around him. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. To make matters worse, his heart started pounding out of his chest. He wanted to call out to Merry for help but he couldn’t make words come out of his mouth. Pippin could move his arms though and without really knowing what he was doing he threw a pencil that was on the counter at the sliding door. It made a quiet dink sound and clattered to the floor. Merry heard the sound and turned around. He got up and went to the door. He could see Pippin holding his head in his hands. Concerned, Merry came back into the house. “You alright?” he asked. Pippin nodded his head “no”. Merry sat down next to his friend. He didn’t really know what to do but he knew Pippin needed him now. “Hey, it’s alright, it’s ok. Do you want to talk about it?” Pippin nodded his head again. Finally, Merry perceived what was going on. “Here, let’s try this breathing technique together: breathe out for 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8, in 1 2 3 4, hold it 1 2 3 4 5 6 7, out 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8” Merry repeated the set several times.

Pippin started to look a little better. His face wasn’t as pale as it had been earlier and it seemed to do him good to focus on Merry’s breathing exercise. “There you go,” Merry said, smiling gently. Pippin was still not feeling well but he was feeling better. “Was having a panic attack,” he faltered. “It’s alright” Merry encouraged “They just go away with time, we just have to wait it out”. The “we” in that sentence hit Pippin. He didn’t realize before that Merry had committed to helping him with this. “Anything I can do that would help?” Merry offered (as he often did). Pippin hesitated, thinking about what he really needed in this moment. “Could you...would you mind if I held your hand?” he asked quietly. “Sure” said Merry and he stretched out his hand. Pippin took it and gave it a weak squeeze. He used his other hand to hold up his head as the room was still spinning. They sat there for a while in silence.

Merry was happy to be able to help his friend. So often it was Pippin who was helping him. Merry had had his fair share of panic attacks and had spent all of them alone. He didn’t want anyone to have to go through that, least of all Pippin.

After about twenty minutes the room stopped spinning. Pippin sat up and pulled his hand back. Merry waited for his friend to say something or indicate what he wanted to do. “Well, now I’m hungry again!” and with that Pippin stood up and began foraging around the kitchen. Merry laughed. After Pippin had eaten some yogurt with granola he was feeling much more himself again. “Thanks for helping me through that Merry!” Pippin said cheerfully “It meant a lot.” “Oh you’re-you’re welcome” Merry stammered putting his hand behind his head.

[jedifighterpilot2727]

The Rook

After Lex reveals Kara's secret identity, Lena thinks she's fine - until she's not. The one person she trusted implicitly has betrayed her trust, and she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to believe in people again.

It's a tough lesson, but some things you just can't live without.

AKA - the angsty post S4 fic where Lena experiences heartbreak and anger as well as discovers the meaning of true love.

"I don't want to kill Supergirl, I just want her to experience the same hurt she inflicted on me."

*Hides behind rock* I know, it's been like 5 months, and I'm sorry! The book is still chugging along, but after seeing the SG trailer at SDCC I had to write something! Cue angst, heartbreak and devastating loss (with a happy ending of course!) Buckle in y'all, it's gonna get worse before it gets better!

Oh! and every chapter has a song to fit the mood! First up is "Nothing Breaks Like a Heart" by Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus.

Nothing Breaks Like a Heart

Numb.

Lena’s not exactly sure how else to describe it.

The feeling in her chest that spreads out to her finger tips, the heavy, sinking feeling that makes her feel like she drowning.

She not unfamiliar with the feeling.

Quite the opposite, actually.

She’s spent the majority of her life near suffocation from the choking feelings of inadequacy and betrayal.

Practically from the start of her time with the Luthors, she’d been judged and ridiculed and left on the outskirts.

Maybe not overtly, but certainly purposefully.

She knows without a doubt that Lilian orchestrated most of her young life in order to maximize feelings of ‘less than’.

Whatever she had done to gain the Luthor Matron’s ire had occurred long before she set foot in the Luthor Mansion.

Regardless, of the reason, she dealt with the consequences for years - long days at various different lessons, Irish boarding school, hard pressure to get early acceptance into MIT. Even once she had graduated and was doing ground breaking experimental work with Jack, Lilian’s glare was a constant presence over her shoulder.

It became even worse once she took over L Corp - doubly so. Nothing she ever did lived up to Lex’s legend, and she certainly never bowed to the Luthor agenda.

She had finally caved to Lilian’s pressure, hoping to do something to gain her mother’s approval -  an alien detection device, one that would allow regular citizens to tell if the people they were interacting with aliens disguised as humans.

She was so confident that the device would win over Lilian’s good will, that she would finally live up to the Luthor name, (without being a murdering psychopath).

But then, something had happened, something that had made her realize that maybe she didn’t need to toe the line of xenophobia to gain the approval she was seeking.

Her entire world had turned upside down the day that Kara Danvers had walked in her office, offering a kind rebuke at the alien detection device.

Suddenly, her entire world had shifted.

Her desire for Lilian’s approval wasn’t gone, but now it paled in comparison to the need for Kara’s. (Maybe that was a stupid reason to nix a million dollar project and piss off investors, but it sounds better that saying a pretty girl made her do it.)

And unlike Lilian’s approval, Kara’s was easily given.

Nearly anything she did was met with unwavering approval, and unfaltering enthusiasm.

It was like crack, honestly, having someone who supported her and believed in her like Kara. Every time something came up that she thought would finally shake Kara’s trust, it backfired in the exact opposite direction.

Evidence shows that she’s stealing Kryptonite?

Kara stands up for her.

Evidence shows that she’s poisoning little kids?

Kara stands up for her.

Even when she hides Sam’s condition from Kara’s . . . friend, Supergirl -

Kara stands up for her.

It’s intoxicating, and it has nothing to do with Kara’s perfect hair and beautiful smile.

it has nothing to do with how Kara brings her donuts during Lilian’s trial.

It has nothing to do with how she always smiles at Lena, even in the face of Supergirl’s disapproving pout.

And it definitely has nothing to do with the way Kara smells when she wraps an arm around Lena and solemnly promises to always be there for her.

It’s just nice, to be supported and believed in for once in her life.

It’s even more nice to have a self-proclaimed best friend that stands by her no matter what

(It does help that Lena has a huge, gigantic, undeniable crush on said best friend.)

But it’s not like she can say anything.

There’s no way that sweet, charming, beautiful, sometimes trips over her own words Kara would ever feel the same way about Lena.

It’s a statistical improbability,

Which is exactly why Lena suffers through lunches and game nights and a few too close to be just friendly hugs.

Kara’s friendship is enough, she shouldn’t want more. Kara is already so much better than anything she ever dreamed of having, she isn’t going to risk what they have by confessing something as inconvenient as feelings.

So she shoves her feelings away in a little box, and refuses to acknowledge them. Just like she refuses to acknowledge that her best friend looks a lot like the girl of steel.

She over compensates, almost to the point of hilarity; pushing Kara behind her in dangerous situations, insisting on being mad at her alter ego while still cozying up to her favorite reporter.

It’s stupid, but it somehow works in her brain. Allows her to ignore the fact that her best friend in the entire universe is also maybe, sort of, definitely Supergirl.

(It also allows her to ignore that Kara hasn’t told her said fact.)

It hurts, in a weird way, knowing that Kara is keeping something so important from her. But just like the facts, she puts that in a little box and ignores it too.

At least, until it all comes crashing down.

Lex, the goddamn bastard, couldn’t be good for anything, not even in death.

And if Lena feels like shit for thinking such a thing, she feels even worse knowing that what he’s telling her is true.

All of her little boxes come flying open, and they refuse to be closed again, no matter how hard she tries.

Kara’s identity, all the feelings of inadequacy and rejection, her burning desire for belonging and family - all of it comes rushing to the surface.

She tries to fight it, she does, but it feels unavoidable as it all comes crashing down around her.

Kara, her best friend, is Supergirl.

She was blind not to see it before, really.

She blames it on the little boxes.

Now though, she can’t deny it.

Kara is Supergirl.

And it hurts, somewhere deep in her chest.

Some part of her recognizes it as those feelings of inadequacy and unbelonging that belong to Lilian. Only now it’s her best friend making her feel that way. The person that promised to always be in her corner and have her back.

It’s almost debilitating.

She tries so hard to shove that in a little box too, but it doesn’t work. If anything, it backfires.

 ”You're with me, right?” Kara asks her on game night, and Lena stamps a foot down on the little box threatening to fly open - bile biting at the back of her throat.

“Always.”

* - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It all comes crashing down a week later when Kara finally confronts her.

“Lena?” Kara asks, and Lena freezes, sensing the trepidation in her voice.

“No, you don’t have anything in your teeth.” She teases, trying to belay the way her heart rate doubles.

“No, I know, I just . . . “

“What?” Lena asks, voice calm but her heart racing.

“i just . . . I’ve been meaning to tell you, but I never really had the chance. Well, I mean I did, but Alex said . . . What I’m trying to say is -“

“Don’t.” Lena tells her, surprised at the firmness in her voice.

“Lena, I have to . . .”

Their eyes lock, and Lena shivers. So much for little boxes.

“I’m . . .” Kara reaches for her glasses.

“Kara . . .”

“I’m Supergirl.” Kara finishes weakly, her hands trembling as they lower her glasses to her side.

“Kara.” she chokes out. “Don’t.”

“Lena - “ Kara starts to explain, but Lena ignores her.

Kara looks so incredibly sad, eyes welling up with tears and the muscles in her neck trembling.

“I know. I know all about your little secret.” Lena swallows hard, fighting back the tears. “You know why? Because Lex told me. I didn’t get to find out from you, or Alex; no, I got to find out from my homicidal brother. I suppose I was stupid for not seeing it before - naive to think that the most important person in my life wouldn’t hide something like that from me. I guess I was wrong, I’m just a fool.” She bites out the words, putting as much of her frustration into them as she can.

She may not be able to hurt Kara physically, but emotionally?

After a lifetime of living with Lilian?

That she can do.

“Lena, I didn’t do it to hurt you -“

“Really?” Lena scoffs, choking back tears. “Then why do I feel like you’ve taken a knife and stabbed it into my heart?”

Kara’s eyes look so full of remorse that Lena almost caves.

“I never meant to hurt you, that’s the last thing I wanted to do.”

“Oh, then what was your master plan? I’d love to hear it.”

“Lena . . .” Kara’s upper lip trembles.

“Literally everyone around you knew, except me.” Lena goads. “What exactly was your point? Other than to prove just how untrustworthy Luthors are?”

“No! I would never! Lena, I trust you more than anyone; maybe even more than Alex, that’s why I had to -“

“That’s why you had to lie to me?” Lena interjects, unwilling to let Kara finish her sentence.

“I didn’t want to lie to you!”

“Then why did you?!”

They stare at each other - an unstoppable force and an immovable object - the tension nearly crackling the air between them.  

Finally, the unstoppable force causes the object to move, and Kara speaks.

“Because when I first met you . . . you were . . . are the most beautiful woman I’d ever met.”

Lena’s heart jumps in her throat at Kara’s words, because surely she doesn’t mean them like that.

And I didn’t know if it was clouding my judgment, because Clark was so sure that you were just like your brother. But I refused to judge you on your family, and the next thing I knew, you were my best friend.” Her voice chokes off, and Lena forces herself to look away.

“You are my best friend,” Kara corrects herself. “And I didn’t want to screw it up. No one’s ever wanted to be my best friend before - besides Alex, I guess, and in the beginning that was only because she had to. But you,” she laughs softly. “you were so fiercely in my corner, about everything; being a reporter, CatCo, Mon-el being a jerk . . . I’ve never had anyone stand up for me like that. And I wanted to be the same for you, because you deserve it. “

“If I deserve you standing up for me, then why couldn’t you just tell me who you really are?”

“Because - “ Kara huffs. “Because, okay, maybe for the first few weeks I was worried that you might turn on me because of your brother. But then I . . . I was selfish. Because you were the only person that I could be 'just Kara' around. I didn’t have to worry about being Supergirl. And then, the longer it went on, I knew that I should tell you, I knew you would be so upset when you found out and I couldn’t stand to hurt you like that. . . . I was afraid that you’d never forgive me.”

“Why do you even care? I’m just a Luthor, right.”

She’s prodding Kara to a more direct answer, she knows it, but she never expects what comes out of the other woman’s mouth.

“Because I love you, okay?” Kara’s eyes fill with tears as Lena’s heart jumps in her throat.

"And maybe there was some part of me that hoped that I could keep bringing you lunch and you’d keep sending me flowers and maybe I could pretend that you love me too. And I’m sorry that I hurt you, and that you found out the way you did; just know that I would take it all back if I could. I would tell you myself, even if it meant you would hate me.”

“Kara . . . “ she knows deep down that she can never hate Kara, no matter how much she wants to. “You don’t get to say that you love me just to get me to stop being mad at you.”

“I’m not.” Kara vows fiercely. “But if we’re laying all our cards out on the table, I thought that you should know. I love your passion, I love your fire. I love the fact that you always stand up for what you think is right - even if it differs from what I think. I love that you throw yourself into your work, and I hate the fact that you forget to eat. I love that you pour your heart and soul into the children’s hospital and that you refuse to let anything stop that. I love how snuggly you get after a couple of glasses of wine, but I hate how self deprecating you get. I just want you to see you the way that I see you, and I was afraid that you knowing I’m Supergirl would hurt that. I guess I hoped that deep down, you loved me too. And I don’t know what my game plan was for that, or where I hoped we would end up -“

“Kara!” Lena chokes it out, barely able to keep the tears from falling down her cheeks.

“Lena, I just -“

“Don’t.” She says for the third time that night, desperate to stop the words coming from Kara’s mouth.

“I had to let you know how I felt, I know it’s bad timing, but I had to tell you the truth. I didn’t want it to be like this.”

Tears track down Kara’s face, but still, Lena stays strong, brushing past her and heading for the exit.

“Lena -“

It takes everything Lena has to ignore her, and move to the door.

* - - - - - - - -

Ever since Lex told her about Kara’s identity, she’s been in a fog.

She thought that it would get better once she had a chance to confront Kara.

What she didn’t expect was Kara’s . . . confession. It throws her for a loop, one she hadn’t seen coming in a million years. It should have made her ecstatic, it would have made her ecstatic in any other circumstance, but now it just leaves a sour taste in her mouth.

Of course Kara would pick the middle of her Supergirl reveal to spill out her heart, of course.

It fits so well with the Kara she knows and loves. That she would be so open and vulnerable that she would decide to lay her whole heart on the line.

Lena loves it, but she hates it.

Every part of her is screaming that Kara is just manipulating her, the same way she’s been manipulated for her entire life - bribed with love and affection.

She refuses to fall into the old trap again.

She is a strong independent woman, and she doesn’t need someone else to complete her.

And it’s true, she knows it’s true.

She doesn’t need anyone.

But it doesn’t help that she wants Kara.

She ignores every text, every call; she even tells Jess to revoke Kara’s unlimited access to her office (and she’s met with a giant frown and a questioning glare that she knows she’s going to have to answer to later).

But still, when her stomach growls sometime after one, she wishes that Kara’s smiling face was bopping through her door, waving a sack of takeout.

Even minus the lunches, she misses Kara.

Which is why she finds herself stretching and heading to her office door - maybe she can ask Jess to order food and convince her that it wouldn’t be weird to eat lunch with her boss.

Only when she asks Jess to order out, the other woman looks at her . . . strangely.

“What?”

“I uh, already ate.” Jess says almost guiltily.

“Oh. Did you happen to order anything for me?” Lena tries to sound as nonchalant as possible, but it still comes out almost whiney. Before Kara, Jess always made sure to order lunch for Lena, even if she knew she wouldn’t eat it.

“Uhh, I uhh, didn’t order out.”  Jess’ eyes flicker to the mini fridge under her desk.

“Oh, ok.” Lena lets it drop, obviously Jess doesn't it want to talk about it.

Maybe she has a new crush that brought her lunch and she isn’t ready to talk about it. Filing the information away for later, she shrugs.

“Could I get you to order me something then? Maybe an apple walnut salad from Noonan’s? I’ve been craving one lately.”

Jess’ eyes go back to the mini fridge, and Lena leans over the desk to stare at it as well.

“Is there something in there I should know about?” She asks, her mind immediately going to a bomb; and it’s so twisted that a bomb is the first thing she thinks of being stored in a mini fridge of all places, but it’s not the oddest -

“Kara!” Jess blurts, and Lena shifts her gaze back to her assistant.

“Kara’s in the mini fridge?”

“No.” Jess sighs. “Kara brought you lunch, and it’s in there. I know you said specifically that you didn’t want to see her or hear from her, so I didn’t want to tell you about it, but she insisted that I take it, and you know how persistent she can be!”

“So when you said you already ate . . .”

“She brought me broccoli cheddar soup, and you know that’s my favorite and I should have just ordered out but -“

“Jess - “ Lena placates her with a warm smile that’s only half forced. “Just because I’m not speaking to Kara doesn’t mean you can’t. Besides, it was broccoli cheddar soup.”

“Your lunch is still in there if you want it?” Jess offers, gesturing to the mini fridge.

“Oh, I’m not really that hungry, I forgot I had a big breakfast.” It’s a lie, she hasn’t eaten since lunch the day before; and her stomach quickly betrays her with loud growl.

Jess raises her eyebrows pointedly before reaching to the fridge and taking out a container and passing it to Lena.

It’s an apple walnut salad from Noonan’s, with a folded note taped to the front.

Of course.

“Really, I’ll just wait til dinner. . .” Lena protests weakly, her stomach fighting hard against her stubborn will.

“If she asks, I’ll tell her I threw it in the garbage and you never even saw it.”

Lena narrows her eyes.

“Fine, I’ll eat it, but if she asks, tell her you gave it to me and I threw it in the garbage.”

“Whatever you say, boss, whatever you say."

[hoopdiddies]

I'm Not Over You // Ben Hardy x Reader (Part 7)

A/N: This is probably the longest I've written in this series. Again guys, thank you for the support, your comments and likes mean so much! My tag list is always open so feel free to ask. And on a slightly heavy note: the next chapter could be really angsty. Just a heads up right there uwu

Summary: You had always loved Ben ever since you two met in university and became the best of friends. That feeling went out like a candle flame when the two of you parted ways until he re-entered your life...but this time with someone who has already occupied his heart.

Warnings: Angst, slight drinking, slight swearing, (yeah the fluff is still present)

W/C: 5k-ish

Tags: @haendel-me-with-care

@mrsdoradominguez-barnes

@mickmoon

@lakef

@mrsmazzello

@valeriecarolinaw

@queen-turtle-boiii

Edited// I forgot to link the previous parts

Parts: 6 5 4 3 2 1

(Got the pic from Pinterest hhh-)

Storing the luggage bag you've purchased for a fair price in the spare room, you come across a small box of sundries tucked in one corner with cobwebs clinging to the sides. Your eyes light up with curiosity spiking within you, you pick it up and dust the webs off, blowing the particles away from the top. You squat on the floor and open the flaps, discovering small yet familiar items that had been lost in time– one of them being a sepia-toned polaroid of you and Ben posing dramatically with hilarious doodles drawn on your faces. You forgot about this, feeling a little guilty that you had hidden it away in a drafty box without remembering doing anything of the sort. You flip the picture over and spot a date and an unfinished sentence written in faded ink on the bottom left part. This was taken on Homecoming night.

'I'm not going-' it says, clearly discontinued next to the date. Silly to think that the picture somehow represents a puzzle piece torn away from its board.

You were bound to graduate the week after and barely a day after, not see each other for several years due to your career paths and post-college choices.

You pull on the hem of your shirt, clearing the picture of dust and any more impurities, finally fitting it into your back pocket to finally treasure it the way it was always meant to be treasured.

The door clicks as you bring it close, your eyes gluing themselves at the hardwood floor seconds to having self-pity billow over you at how quickly your tears surface in the corner of your eyes from the memory of Ben spinning Rosy around - the exact way he did with you -and kissing her like she's a pouch full of life.

You clamp down on your bottom lip, trying your hardest not to stain your cheeks with your pooling tears. "Jeez, you just-" you pace back and forth in frustration, balling your fists as you gesticulate lazily, "you just don't get it, Y/N! Ugh, you're so- fuck, just get over it..." Knowing your harsh soliloquy would be getting you nowhere, you snarl strongly at yourself and roughly wipe your tears away with the back of your hand.

"He loves Rosy. F-freaking deal with it!" The reminder takes a hiss from your quivering lips for it to sink in; you have your own place in his life– a place behind the line you'd drawn in the years prior. The friend zone couldn't be any more hollow and cold than it already is.

And a polaroid pic is the only remnant left of how inseparable you and Ben were in the early days.

At the same time you're feeling your heart tear itself apart, Ben pulls out a picture - similar to what you've found - from the inner pocket of his old varsity jacket in the middle of rummaging through his wardrobe. He leaves his room in his pajamas and tosses himself on the couch next to a sleeping Frankie, softly apologizing to the little beagle for disturbing her cat-like nap. As he cuddles Frankie close, he scrutinizes the picture and it's also from Homecoming, but in it both of you are beaming widely with your arms slung around one another– the doodles ever-so-present on your faces. Behind it, the date and the continuation of the trailed-off sentence written at the back of your share of the memory.

'-anywhere at all.'- it ends in Ben's part of the duality. He grins fondly at the long lost picture, feeling twice as guilty for not keeping it safe and...close to his heart, just as he had promised you that night.

- - - - - - - -

In the convenience of Lucy needing some company to shop with for awards season just as she had returned from her get-away with Rami, she drags you along happily, having to pass through you insisting that you stay at home and study but purposefully ending up under her mercy anyway. You couldn't say no to her, she's basically your sparkly, glam counterpart and you're in need of her life-altering sparkles as of now. Especially since you're going to be tagging along with them, mainly as Joe's date cause you know, you're his 'girlfriend' and all.

You're at the mall, in a stylish boutique full of lines of voguish clothing and shoes that could span miles if not compressed together. For once in the hours you've spent scampering around the mall with Lucy to hoard dresses, skin products and make up, you admit that this is the most aesthetically pleasing space in the entire building.

You traipse along a section with black dresses fashioned into different forms, silently praying that what you have with you will amount to at least one of the varying prices.

Lucy's on the opposite side, ogling at the most colorful section in the boutique for a piece to wear. She peers over at you to make sure you've chosen your 'fighter'. A few swishes of the dresses lined up and you do, holding it up high to evaluate the appropriateness.

It's a sleeveless, halter neck satin that's just a few inches above the knee. Utterly backless but it ends right up the small of your back. The fabric is stretchy enough to move around and breathe in as it simultaneously hugs your shape. You love it but gulp as you prepare yourself for the price. Flipping the tag over, you suddenly wish you could let out the biggest, girlish squeal the human race has ever heard with how surprisingly affordable it is.

"Finally picked out yours?" Lucy pokes her head up playfully and you nod, quite speechless but giddy. She makes a grabby hand at your dress to examine it for herself.

Well she's the fashion guru so why not? You hand her the dress and as she trails her eyes from top to bottom, her mouth falls at the simple yet elegant details. "This is perfect! I highly doubt that it's not going to catch every exposed eye present at the event."

Your flush profusely at her comment. "Thanks but I'll be bringing a coat with me."

That triggered her, but of course you're only teasing. "You better effing not." She warns you and you chuckle, taking the dress from her and evenly brushing the skirt.

"I won't, you can sleep soundly tonight."

You assure her of the possibility. As you exit the boutique with a few bags you're not used to holding, Lucy takes out her phone and gasps, her face contorting with a little disbelief. "Uh oh, this might ruin your mood." She hands you the phone and you gape at her confusingly before taking a quick look.

Ben's posted some updates on his wedding preparations, shockingly tagging you, Joe, Gwil and Lucy in one photo. He's pretty busy alright; unable to text or call you for days but miraculously tagging you out of nowhere.

You come to disregard it until you notice one minute but important detail hidden in plain sight in all of his posts– there isn't a single one with him and Rosy together alone. None of such as well on his new ones.

The only post he's had with a close girl is the one with you, which is at the very bottom of his Instagram feed. You won't admit it but it warms your heart a little. Actually, a whole lot despite wondering why there's none of him and his fiancee. You hand Lucy her phone back and tilt your head to one side, suddenly finding the eagerness to go on shopping. "Let's go."

The following week comes as a radial blur contrasted to the slightly moderate one you just woke up from; your manager phoning you up to take the earliest shift you've had in years at the expense of your allotted time to rest, the heavy workload and rush hours in the upcoming hours followed by the slowest progress of filing your travel documents and visa needed for your departure on the 26th. You've got tons of missed calls from your parents and Joe, who's requested for you to pack up early since you'll be leaving for LA with Lucy on the day of the awards but earlier.

Also noting that you still need to double check the costs for flying to LA and back, ruling out the one exclusive for your flight on the 26th.

For mere days you feel as if you could lose your sanity as your life spirals into madness with everything you're required to do– whether or not you're obliged to do it.

But they are effective distractions for that problem you are still very much preoccupied with. That's a matter noteworthy of later discussion. Amidst all the chaos happening, part of you wishes for Ben to reply to your messages or even talk to you in the slightest. You never bothered to call this week since he's tied up but the least he could do is let you know how he's doing, if he's thinking of you once in a thousand passing seconds.

You give up for a day waiting on him and drown yourself in work.

- - - - - - -

Securing your phone between your tilted head and your shoulder as you indulge in your talk with Joe through the line, you crouch and zip your luggage bag close. Your eyes fixating themselves on two, separate luggage bags for two, separate travels.

"Was that all of it?" Joe's disembodied voice asks. You spring up and take your phone between your fingers. "Pretty much. I better have a kick out of something by the time we touchdown tomorrow– it's my first visit to the US." You inform him, leaping into your bed and landing comfortably.

He chortles softly and ensures you. "I know and you can be sure to expect a good par- ow! Bad kitty!" His smooth transition to a yelp amuses you for split second.

"Are you alright? "

"No. I'm finally feline food to my kid." He refers to his pet cat that has taken a small nibble on his finger, in which Joe returns with a light ruffle to its fur. You can't help but giggle heartily at him.

"Anyway, I'm picking you and Lucy up from LAX tomorrow." He gives you that heads up and you bring your hand up to your forehead. "Where will we be staying?"

"I've booked a hotel earlier so you've got nothing to worry about the moment you land." A faint crunch can be heard from your end and you mind to ask Joe about it. "Are you- are you eating?"

To answer your question, he bites down on his food sloppily and guarantees you of what you heard. You smack your lips together as your eyes narrow in bewilderment.

"Does that answer your question?"

"Sometimes you make it easier for me to hit you with a pillow."

"Is that how you treat your boyfriend?" He taunts at you and cackles, his distorted voice bouncing off of the walls of your room. You sigh, defeated by the fact that this charade is still going on. It's silly and immature yet you and Joe somehow managed to stick to the act.

"Speaking of boyfriend though– would he be furious if I told him that I couldn't be there on his wedding day?" Since you're rested and got nothing else to distract you, you pop the question to Joe.

"Ben?"

You hum softly.

"There are two scenarios that we need to consider," on his end, Joe taps his finger on his lips as he thinks of said scenarios, "Best case scenario- he would get discouraged and slightly unmotivated, and obviously sad, but he'd still support you cause that's your dream."

You sit up and twirl the ends of your hair around your finger, swallowing. "And worst case scenario?"

Joe falls silent before exhaling harshly. "You'd crush his soul, heart, everything ranging from physical to spiritual and it would take a toll– and I mean a substantial toll on your friendship."

"Joe, don't make it sound like a prospect! "

"That is, " he adds strongly, "if he finds out that you had meant for him to be oblivious to it." And he's right. But you had a reason. You still do. Even if you do end up telling him and he supports you, you need a great deal of space to move on.

As long as he's committed to Rosy and you're in the sidelines still in love with him, it's just something toxic. You couldn't love anybody they way you do Ben and you feel like you'll never love someone like him ever again. Albeit how clueless he is sometimes and clumsy, you both had survived every storm and wave. So sticking around to witness him give his hand and heart to someone else is torture for you.

"I'm gonna be direct and say-" just as you begin talking, your phone shrills to another caller, cutting you off from Joe.

One look at the screen and your heart begins racing. Speak of the devil. You reserve an explanation for cutting off and answer Ben, clearing your throat. "You're late."

Ben's gruff chuckle welcomes you back. "I know, I'm so sorry. Busiest week I've had and the lady at Starbucks signed my cup like a snail."

"What are you doing tonight that requires coffee?"

"Call me dramatic- or do so, given that I'm an actor- but I just want to stargaze right now." You hear a light rustle coming from his end, like he's seated out on his lawn.

Silently giving him the 'oh really' look, you spread one side of the curtain to let some moon light in. "Ben, you're leaving early tomorrow."

He hums, seemingly enjoying himself. "But that's not an excuse to not enjoy the night." This boy can not get any cornier. You cast your gaze upon the moon, sighing profoundly. "How did the wedding planning go? Good?"

"Hm, yeah. Church wedding, big reception. Whole lot of booze binging planned out. And a killer bachelor party the day after the awards. " He jokes through the line and you tell him off in a playful chide. "Benjamin Jones, you better-"

"I won't. I won't." You sense his gentle smile from your end, checking the time and reluctantly coming to the decision to hit the hay since you'll be leaving early as well. As much as you want to recreate those late night conversations you once had with him, you can't.

"Hey?" You coo somehow.

"Yeah?"

"I gotta sleep. I have to meet Lucy at the airport at 5."

He gives out a throaty grunt as if he's pulling himself up. "Tragic. I'll see you in LA then, love."

Your lips curl up into the gentlest smile with the moonlight blessing it from the window. "You too. Tell yourself and the rest- especially Brian and Roger- that I'm gonna be rooting for you guys to get up on that stage."

"I will. Thanks for the motivation, Y/N. All the words coming from you just mean so much to me. To all of us." And in his voice, you can hear his utmost sincerity and fondness just highlighting his tone.

"Anytime. Now let me sleep, you bloke. "

"Haha, alright. Love you tons, love."

Shifting your eyes to the sky once more, you reply, allowing the words you're about to say to mean more.

"I love you too, Ben. Good night."

- - - - - - -

24th

You had promised Lucy you'd arrive 10 minutes earlier than her and you really didn't hold on to that promise. As soon as you arrive at the airport nearly bathing in sweat and deaf from the multiple rings Lucy has given you, you both take off to the waiting area with your heavy luggage where you spend an hour and a half waiting for your flight to board. Joe has sent two texts telling you that he's still in the middle of having coffee and it's a questionable action since he's 8 hours behind you and is expected to be asleep by now.

You reply with a simple, "See you there" before heeding to the call of your flight number from the speakers.

All the rushing and you haven't had a bite of breakfast yet. An eleven hour flight doesn't sound so bad, as long as you make sure you don't reel everytime you get up to use the bathroom and acquire jet lag the moment you land from a direct flight without any pit stops. The flight is long as you are awake but by the time you fall asleep in between hours, it shortens the duration. The pilot announcing your arrival wakes you and Lucy from the latest nap you've had on the plane. After gathering your luggage and answering a couple of phone calls on you way down the plane, the arrival area is where you spy Joe behind the red tapes, a scarf around his neck and an eager look plastered on his pale skin, just waiting for you and Lucy to step in. His eyes crinkle as he sees you both treading towards him with a handful of luggage. He greets you both with a tight hug and ushers you to his car, assisting with the transport of your things.

He's booked you in the hotel he's staying in to, of course, avoid some minor inconveniences especially since the awards start at 7 pm and you drastically need Lucy to help you prepare. Upon reaching the hotel, he leads the both of you up the second floor and into the hall for your rooms.

Apparently you and Lucy will be sharing which is the great and Joe will be staying in the room right across yours.

After giving yourselves a brief tour of the room, you settle in and unpack your essentials.

"Y/N, bring out your fighter!" Lucy declares with a giggle, pulling the dress she's chosen from her suitcase. It's a purple, off-the-shoulder, crepe satin and black velvet gown that cascades gracefully against the stable air.

Your eyes widen in awe at how it looks against the light. "No need for a match, Luce. You win," you raise your hands up in surrender, "that's- that's catching more eyes. From Rami of course."

"Oh shut it. You'll look smooth in black." She clicks her tongue and smoothens it at the edge of the bed. You whip out yours and hold it up high, wavering a little at how you'll look like in it tonight. How fortunate you were to find 3-inch, black pumps closeted when you were 'panic packing' the night before. You take it out from your suitcase and set it aside before striding towards the blinds, pulling it up and beholding the breathtaking view of Hollywood before you.

Your first visit to the US and you're already headed to the Oscars. This isn't the real life. This is just fantasy.

- - - - - - - -

"We're having a dinner party afterwards, I don't see any reason for two sandwiches before the ceremony." Staring blankly at how Joe's handling waiting for you and Lucy to emerge from your room, Rami purses his lips quizzically– he's come by to pick up his girl as well. The two men look dashingly handsome in their black tuxes and slick hairstyles– their individual charm strong as they highly anticipate for your appearances.

Joe swallows the chunk in his mouth before speaking. "I'm stressed."

"About what?"

He bites down on his last sandwich, dusting his hands off crumbs as he reasons out. "It's the Oscars. Biggest ceremony of the year."

With a shake of his head, Rami opens his mouth to protest but pauses as the creak of the door behind them butts in their conversation. Lucy - exquisite in her cascading satin gown and look dotted in light to moderate make up - emerges with her purse in hand and eyes heady on Rami.

Joe wishes he could loosen some hinges in Rami's jaw since the latter has got his mouth agape at her girlfriend's evening look. To him, she is his ultimate award and he wouldn't have it in any other way.

"Hey, babe." Lucy smiles delicately and kisses Rami's cheek, to which he responds with a breathless, "Luce, you look..." His starstruck silence finishing his compliment for her. Joe hums, agreeing with crossed arms. "I wish I was as pretty as you, Boynton."

"You boys look handsome, too." Lucy giggles softly and Joe begins to wonder. "Where's Y/N?"

"She'll be out in three...two..." As Lucy deliberately pauses her countdown, you come out of the room, head down as you feel a bit hesitant to continue but you regain your confidence and look up timidly– your appearance putting Joe in the same position Rami was just in with Lucy. The dress really agrees to your form, contouring every curve of your body in a semi-sensual way, guaranteeing that you'll be snagging some looks tonight. Your (H/C) hair frames your face intricately with your light make-up emphasizing the color of your eyes and lips. The light brush of air against the skin of your exposed back makes you clutch your purse tighter, deeming it uncomfortable.

Lucy smiles proudly at her work and that is you. "Well, how does she look Joe?"

Joe lets out a hitched exhale, hazel eyes wide as a sinkhole and a slacked jaw struggling to budge. "Like my girlfriend."

"You wish." You can't help but retort playfully and he brings his finger up to his lips, hushing you. Rami compliments you as well and you thank him as the four of you make your way to the elevator– your arm on Joe's and Lucy's on Rami's.

You've taken a limo for the sake of convenience, since Joe and Rami wanted to propose a pre-toast - with the champagne present in the vehicle - to their successes and hard work in the past year. You have faith they'd bring home an Oscar; considering how spectacular their work was portraying the members of Queen. You're also thrilled that you're about to meet Brian and Roger.

The limo parks just across Dolby Theatre and the four of you climb out, making your way arms-in-arms into the place crowded with paparazzi and attendees. You see yourself as a small fish swimming in a sea full of majestic dolphins. This is the big leagues right here and you're not even one bit of a celebrity– at least you feel like you aren't one. After a couple of shoulder brushes with either familiar and unfamiliar faces and escaping the blinding flashes of the cameras, the four of you reunite with Gwilym who has Roger and Brian present by his side. You are introduced to the two Queen members by Joe and you couldn't be any more happier to meet them in person. A couple of moments of interacting with the rest of the crew and cast, Ben joins the 'party' looking sharp and admittedly drop-dead gorgeous in his white tuxedo blazer and slicked back hair with Rosy by his side.

Before he could even reply to the greetings of his friends, he lays his eyes on you and for a while– his pupils dilate and his expression flits faster than he can command it to. He can't believe what or who he is seeing before him amidst all the glam. Letting go of Rosy's hand for a minute, he steps close to you, indescribably captivated. "Y/N...h-hey."

You keep your composure, musing back. "Hey. You look left out, outfit-wise, and a like a million bucks."

It takes him nearly five seconds to reply with the way hes has his eyes transfixed on you. It's like he's seeing you for the first time. Your evening look setting him back to Homecoming night and something inside him just tweaks. You avoid his mindless gaze and break the silence, trying your hardest not to flush. "Ben, please talk. It's just really-"

"You look...beautiful." He breathes out like he had just gotten up from under water.

[ashitpos-t]

Bones

Chapter 5 of my Reaper x Fem!Reader on Wattpad! (First post on this account has the link)

CW: suggestive themes and alcohol

Thrashing this way and that had been become painfully usual to you in the recent weeks.  Reaper hadn't returned like he said he would, making this his longest leave of absence, one that was over three months long.

You'd be a fool to say you weren't worried for him, hell, how could you not be? The last time you saw him he had been vomiting something foul, something you couldn't define.

Your thoughts had been keeping you up, turning you into a mini insomniac, even though you barely knew the guy, your heart ached for his well being, for him.  You groaned as you finally decided to get out of bed, work was in just a few hours and you'd be going without a wink of sleep, just peachy.

You lazily made your way out of bed, deciding to get a little fancy with your makeup this time around, you had an extra hour to spare after all.  You ended up going with a light Smokey eye with a few red accents at the corners of your look.  You went with a slightly red highlighter and lip in attempt to tie the whole thing together, somehow you managed.

Satisfied with your makeup you did your hair and threw on your clothes, breakfast would have to be quick, due to your makeup extravaganza.  Not checking the time would nearly make you tardy this time around, just what you get for moping in your room.

Grabbing an apple and sinking your teeth into the fruit, you headed out of your apartment, the bar being just around the corner meant you could walk there. That didn't mean it was a fun walk, you managed to live in the worst part of town, only reason you did was because it was the only place you could afford.

The streets were old and caked with dirt, the sidewalk had too many cracks to count, and the street lights flickered constantly, not something nice to see at night. What was even better was that you had the night shift at the bar, meaning you slept during the day and your shift started at nine at night, which meant you had to walk alone, in the dark. Super comforting.

You fidgeted with your hands as you made your way to your job, stress whining down as you got closer and closer to your goal. You'd never had anything odd happen to you on these streets, and tonight wasn't an exception, you sighed as you entered the bar, glad to see some usuals already on their drinks.

You quickly made your way behind the bar counter, eager to start your job in attempts to distract yourself from the empty hole that plagued your stomach, you'd never admit it, but the stress was eating at you.

Forcing on a fake smile you took people's orders, pretending like you didn't hear their condescending comments or remarks on your appearance, you just didn't have the stomach to respond.

The small hole in the wall bar quickly went from desolate to packed in under an hour, it almost seemed like the bar was trying to make you loose your shit.  The people weren't letting up and neither were their comments, going from light hearted and flirty to dominant and slightly scary.

Had it always been like this in the bar?  People being flat out rude and awful, or had you managed to block it out all this time?  Whatever the answer was didn't matter, this was your job and you sure as hell weren't about to crumble from the awful remarks.

"Hey sweetie, how bout you get me another drink,"  an inebriated bar goer asked, he was at least a little polite, his eyes seemed to linger on your breasts, but at least he didn't attempt to touch them.

You flashed him a fake smile as you began to make him another beer, this was around his seventh one, the alcohol percentage wasn't very high, but you made a mental note to cut him off after he asked for another.

Sliding the drink over to him you made sure to lean just a bit, a tease like that was fairly popular with the guys, you were sure to squeeze a few extra bucks out of the guy.

With a light smile you began to walk over to another drunk, when the shops bell rung, alerting you that someone had entered.

You snapped your head to the door, standing there was none other then the man who you'd been yearning to see for months.

You stopped dead in your tracks as the customers seemed to not notice him, this surprised you as his demanding presence seemed to override you. Maybe that was because his gaze seemed locked on you, even if you couldn't see his face.

He took long strides towards you, his boots making themselves heard, somehow his mask never left your face, it nearly seemed trained on you.

For the first time in months you were terrified of him, terrified of what he could to do you, of what he might say to you.  A sharp shiver made its way down your spine as he started to slow his pace.  He spun the empty bar stool in his

direction so he could take a seat, the mask that lay on his face never leaving your form.

His demeanor had changed from laid back and warm to cold and brash, similar to the first time you saw him, but this version was more intimidating by ten fold.  His deep, worn out voice seemed horse and dry, he sounded as if he'd been through something, something bad.

"You know what I want."

You responded with a sharp nod, eyes quickly planting on the glass in front of you.  Your grip was shaky and unreliable as bullets of panic rang in your ears.  You spilled the drink a bit but gave it to him no less, if there was even one more person in the bar you wouldn't of heard his small laugh at your expense.

"Nervous, are we?"

He subtly said, a tinge of confidence lingering in his voice.  He took the drink up to his lips as he finally tore his gaze away from you, instead he focused on his drink.

A wave of relief washed over you, allowing your fists to unclench and your features to soften.  You relaxed into the counter top behind you, it was getting a bit a late, maybe one or so and people started to head out, but plenty stayed behind, especially the masked man that had taken such a liking to you.

His eyes started to linger over your form once more, if you weren't mistaken you could've sworn he looked you up and down, judging by the slight nod of his head.

"Need something," you muttered, eyes now glued onto his, a surge of confidence somehow rising up.

He chuckled at your change of personality, responding by chugging his drink and sliding the empty glass over to you, his head leaning slightly forward as a signal to refill his glass.

You gave him a sly smile, not exactly intent on letting him catch a peak of anything, but intrigued on the dance of gestures the two of you were entranced in.

It seemed as though the two of you were having a conversation even though words were barely spoken, that didn't mean fear completely left you, jut meant you had calmed a bit.

You looked into his eyes with an emotion neither of you could quite place, all you knew was that he seemed compelled by your intentions.

The smooth liquor poured into the glass, inducing a warm sound emerging from the cup.  It seemed as though your senses were amplified in the strange air that lingered between the two of you.  All of your fear was gone while his rough demeanor had washed away. 

You hummed into a gentle slide of the drink in his general direction, a soft sentence left your lips while you went through the motions.

"This one is on the house," you said with a light tap on his shoulder, the tips of your fingers lingered a bit, playing with the material of his hoodie.

Truthfully, you'd never been one to tease, flirt, or start anything like this, but your senses seemed to be on fire in his presence, and from what you could tell, it was the same for him.

He seemed to shudder under your touch, his entire body was leaning into yours, yet he used his other hand to take yours off his shoulder.

"Why don't you buy me dinner first, carino" he teased back, a smirk obvious in his words.

A bit surprised at his counter, you went a bit deeper, truthfully curious on the matter.

"How bout I get a name first, reaper," a smirk was clear as day on your face, while he seemed a bit taken aback by your question, he clearly didn't have much of an intention to give it to you.

"I don't exactly give out my name," he chuckled, laughs going between each word, "let's just say I'm trying to, hide, from certain people," he muttered out the last part, obviously trying to make this whole thing look a bit better for him, "but you can call me Reyes," he finished, seeming a bit caught off guard by the whole encounter.

You were a bit surprised that he gave you his name, whether it was because he was a bit inebriated or that there was an undeniable sense of flirtatious smell in the air didn't matter to you, you were flattered nonetheless.

Putting a hand on his, left him confused, but what you said next really knocked his socks off.

"I'm honored you trust me enough, Reyes," a small smile was left on your face after the last part, his hesitation telling you exactly what your words and movements did to him.  His lingering hesitation also allowed you to realize that a bit of your top was showing, leaving you partially exposed.

A fierce blush took over your features as you quickly buttoned up your loose shirt, how two buttons managed to come undone was beyond you. 

His eyes lingered over your form as you attempted to regain some modesty, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear as you became comfortable again.

"S-sorry bout tha-that," you stuttered out, obviously flustered over your lack of care in your upper half.

He only nodded as he tried to distract himself with a large gulp of his liquor, obviously not over the treat to his eyes.

After the two of you cooled down a bit, he spoke up, a bit of sorrow burrowing it's way into his words.

"About all those months ago, sorry, I should've known something would come up," he spoke, slight strain in his voice from talking so much.

You were caught off guard by this, he'd never been one to apologize for something, or even bring up your limited history.

Your features melted at this, your eyes becoming a bit glassy as you felt that you had been selfish, not even thinking about why he hadn't been present in the past months.

Tears pricked in your eyes due to the overwhelming feeling that you were a nuisance, and there was no way he could even reach you, hell, you didn't even give him your number.

"Hey hey hey," he started, standing up from his seat as an arm snaked over the counter to rest on your shoulder, "What's wrong, did I do something?"

His worry only made you feel worse, "no," a sniffle interrupted your response, "no, you didn't do anything, I'm just being stupid."

You muttered out, sniffles often interrupting you as his hand ran circles on your back, the few people that were still present a bit alarmed by your water works.

His hand cupped your cheek as he made his way behind the bar counter top, affectively getting closer to you, still allowing space between the two of you.

"Do you mind," he said with open arms, gesturing for a hug.  You quickly melted into him, knocking him off his feet a bit at your sudden movement, too eager to sob on the man that was currently your only source of comfort.

He hummed into the act of affection, a small melody played off his lips as he began to stroke your hair, giving most of the onlookers a cold hearted stare, a stare that made them turn the other way.

Your arms grasped at his sides before gently pushing off of him as you wiped your tears away, intent on continuing your job, or at least closing up.

"Thanks," you muttered out, sniffles surrounding your response to the embrace.

He merely nodded before diving his free hand into his pocket, holding out a generous wad of cash.

"Oh Reyes, I couldn't possibly," he cut you off, "no no no, I owe you, especially after tonight," he referenced a bit earlier when you were much less then modest, "and I tend to be a jerk."  He finished, a smile audible in his voice.

You reluctantly took the money, a smile evident on your face.  Before he could say his goodbye, you quickly got on the tips of your toes, planting a kiss on the side of his mask, just where his cheek would be.

He completely froze in his place, hesitating greatly before scratching the back of his head while averting his eyes.  He laughed a bit at his own embarrassment, causing you to take on a light blush, fidgeting with your hands as you waited for his response.

His hand cupped your cheek, his hesitation made it clear that he wanted to return your gesture, but he held himself back for a reason you didn't know.

"Thanks," he squeaked out, enticing a laugh from you at the sheer embarrassment of the man.

"Of course!" You giggled out, the full force of your emotions evident in your response.

He started to leave with a wave, walking backwards out of the bar while he slipped his hands into his hoodie, clearly happy with how the night played out.

You gave him a light wave back, also in total awe of your own forwardness.  Looking around you noticed that practically everyone had left the bar, all of your coworkers clocked out and you were left to close the bar, like usual.

Glancing down at the money Reyes gave you, you noticed some numbers written with permanent marker on one of the bills. 

It took you a second to realize that this was his number, meaning he must've planned to give you this, he couldn't of written it while you were on shift.

A maddening blush took over your face as you danced around in place, squealing at the magnificent night you had.

A/N hey bros!! Sorry about not writing oheshots for tumblr, I’ve been in the process of writing two of them but I sorta hate them both?? I’m in a spot where I don’t exactly know what to do with either of them. Hopefully they’ll be out soon, but until then, I hope you enjoy my favorite chapters from my ongoing long fics! (Side side note, I may have not spell checked this, sorry for typos!)

[eclectic-fanatic89]

Locked In: A Fire Hazard

Book: HSS CA

Paring: Ajay x mc

Word Count: 2774

AN: I told myself that I would post one of the fanfics I’ve written someday. I wrote this probably two weeks ago but kept tweaking it. I realized that I will keep tweaking unless I finally posted it. 

This takes place in Book 1 Chapter 6 sometime after the diamond scene. I’m attempting to fill in some of the time between the beginning of the semester to the play in November. I dislike the loose timeline and what could have happened during that time. Also I’m trying to show Ajays internal struggle with keeping his walls strong and the MC uncanny ability to tear them down. Please let me know how I do.

The setting for the school year is that this takes mid-end September. At least one week before Homecoming. In my HS homecoming game happened Friday before homecoming dance and was always against rival school. But Pixelberry did it different. Here’s my take on the timeline: School started in the last week of August. Homecoming game against Hearst and Amber's party is mid-September Friday. That Monday is chapters 5 (rehearsal) and 6 Locked in. One week before homecoming.

Please leave constructive criticism and review (if you want)

*These characters belong to Choices game from Pixelberry.

Breathe in. Breathe out, Ajay told himself as he inhaled and exhaled his breath, doing his best to keep from panicking. Repeating these words inside his head helped keep his thoughts from dwelling on his problems and his current circumstance. Star was right, panicking because they were locked in the theater would only make things worse.  Instead they had to focus on what can be done. Right now, that was breathing in and out. Ever so slowly he felt heart-rate decrease. Laying here on the stage floor gave him serenity. 

This was one of his happy places, had been since he was a freshman and would probably always be a happy place. Lately however, he was starting to think this play was cursed. With all that happened since the start of the year he was amazed none of the cast and crew were voicing their superstitious concerns. Any day now he expected Trevor or one of the cast members to try and “cleanse” the theater.

Why has no one came looking for us? Ajay thought. Surely my parents would have contacted the police, or Mr. Olson by now. His parents would have called every student from the theater club, questioning them on his whereabouts. It would have been only a matter of time before they heard from Stars parents and they all realized both students were missing.  This should make them or even the cops to start looking at their last known location- the school. This how it happens on crime dramas.

Even though he told Star some of the Techs were going to come in the morning Ajay secretly thought they would have been located by now.

Surely someone-anyone would have come to their last known location. They would have seen my car in the school parking- except I’m parked a few blocks away from the campus. The one day I couldn’t get a parking spot on school grounds. Damn, I guess we are here until morning. Sighing aloud, Ajay checked his watch once more. Only forty-five minutes since Star and I last spoke and about ten minutes since I last checked my watch.

With time slowly ticking by Ajay tried to keep himself mentally occupied by going over the play over and over. He’d visualize each scene and made mental notes of changes he wanted to incorporate. However, this little mental review didn’t last long, the play was close to perfect and soon he was left alone with his thoughts. He continuously found himself replaying the day’s events.

He’d been crouched on the floor in front of the locked doors, wringing his hands thorough his hairs. Panicking and berating himself for getting them in this predicament. All my fault. Heartbeat was racing, the thumping getting louder, drowning out all sounds. His vision was fading when he felt her hands grasping his own. She was in front of him, kneeling trying to get him to notice that she was there, angling her neck to place her face in his line of sight. They’re faces had only a foot apart, so close he could smell the floral fragrance she wore. The smell was light, sweet and calming to him.

When Star noticed she had his attention, she calmly spoke, keeping her tone light and reassuring. “I know things look bad but focusing on what the bad will only make you feel worse. Let’s take some deep breaths and instead focus on the good. Remember let’s focus on what we can do, not what is out of our control.” Somehow, she knew what to say to stem the rising panic and helped his logical regain control. Star hummed to him while he took several deep breaths. Ajay nodded signaling he was alright, and she could continue.

“Worst case scenario we are locked in until Monday, but you have techs scheduled to be here for set design tomorrow morning. All we can do is wait until help arrives. The lights are on, we have a bathroom, water, and we have each other.”

Ajay felt his face heat up once more at her words. Why am I effected like this? He thought, but he knew the answer. While his brain told him, he admired her acting abilities, his heart and the small voice that he was always at war with, believed his admiration was a crush.

“Never have I ever kissed anyone” Star proclaimed during their game sometime after his episode. Her face had been flushed with embarrassment and she wouldn’t look him in the eyes.

“But you’re so” (Nope- we are not going there!) Ajay scolded himself, slamming a door on the thought. Would he ever get over this nasty habit of speaking before thinking? It’s bound to get him into serious trouble one day.

But what Ajay? Finish the thought. His treacherous inner voice whispered. But you are so kind? Or were you going to say charming, funny, pretty? Perhaps you meant to say beautiful, alluring, captivating, radiant? Why won’t you finish that sentence.

(Shut up!) Ajay snarled internally. Doing his best to bury his inner voice before it got bolder.

What if you had kissed her on the lips at Amber's party, like you wanted to? The sly voice uttered, encroaching on a more dangerous topic. You would have been her first kiss. The voice sardonically continued. Only you would have never done it. Such principals you have, it’s no wonder you’ve been single and dateless for such a long time.

(Please stop.) He begged to himself. He didn’t need this; he could handle this right now. Since her performance at auditions, he’s had this back and forth struggle with himself. It’s going to drive him crazy one day.

Ajay became cautious when he noticed his inner voice taking on a whimsical tone. “You know this is the perfect setup. Like in those ridiculous Rom-coms that your exes used to make you watch. The protagonist and their love interest trapped...trapped together overnight.”

(Enough! whose side are you on anyway?). Ajay demanded of himself, his control on the verge of shattering. He needed his heart to see reason, lest he does something stupid like admit to having a crush on her. Logically he knew nothing good will come from this, he’d only end up hurting himself and making things awkward again. Having feelings for someone like Star would only bring him misery.

Ajay decided an external distraction would stop the thoughts that plagued his mind. There is nothing to do, he thought dejectedly. His schoolbooks were in his locker and anything that could provide entertainment was locked up for safety. Except for Star, they were here together, and he could admit to himself that he did enjoy talking and playing her silly games. Turning on his side, with his arm bent and his head resting on his hand he looked over to where Star sat. She was sitting on the edge of the stage with one leg dangling off. She was checking her hair- once more- for possible spiders.

Ever since falling out of the vent, she jumped when any threadlike substance that touched her skin. Would immediately recheck her hair and clothes. Such an adorable dork, Ajay thought as a slow smile spread across his face. Her hair was not in its usual style- two small buns on the top half and the back half curly and loose. Though he trampled any feelings he had for her, he could admit to himself that he had grown fond of that hairstyle on her. While her usual hairstyle made her look adorable, this one made her look sweet and he constantly found himself disarmed by her. Her hair was still curly but framed her face differently.

He recalled overhearing her talk with Erin about trying a new natural hair product and a “twist out,” he had no idea what that meant, but Erin seemed to understand. They rattled off recommendations of products, and various Facespace videos before Rory interrupted them. Frowning now, Ajay recalled her disastrous slip up and waited for the anger to return. Only this time it didn’t.

Dammit, he thought. He needed to be angry with her, if he was angry, he could ignore his traitorous inner voice and bury his feelings for her. Still no anger came, instead he recalled her response when he grilled her about it.

“About that, I have no real explanation about what happened. Heck, I hope I can repress that memory as quickly as possible. In thirty years; I will be lying in bed trying to sleep when my brain decides to dredge this up and it will still be as humiliating as it is now. I want to partly blame my excitement about Homecoming after Erin brought it up. A part of me was excited that Rory would ask me to go as friends.

Honestly, I miss my best friend and was excited to finally hang out with him. We are neighbors but for the past three years we’ve only said ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ in passing. We drifted apart, until he randomly texted me over the summer about auditioning for the play.  I was hopeful that we’d get to reconnect, and I’d have my best friend back. But outside of rehearsal we rarely speak. I always feel as if I’m chasing after him and no matter how fast, or long I run, I’m just out of reach.” Her words had been a low unsteady whisper, as if she wasn’t talking to him, but to herself. Star avoided eye-contact with him and instead focused on picking invisible lint from her dress, while biting on her bottom lip.

_____________________________________________________________

Star finally finished checking her hair for the tenth time since falling out of the vent. She’d been covered in dust and cobwebs and feared a spider in her hair. Shuddering at the thought of a bug in her hair, she recalled the last time it happened; when a fly landed in her hair, got stuck and died. Her twin Rowan had teased her so much that her retaliation got her grounded for three weeks. With another shudder at the thought of a spider eggs hatching in her hair, Star tore her thoughts and hands away from her hair.

This is not too bad, being locked in the Theater was not as scary as she first thought, Star mused. At least she wasn’t trapped by herself; Ajay was with her. He was in the top four of the Theater Troupe that she would prefer to be trapped with. Rory, Skye, Erin and Ajay, in that order was her preference on who should would like to be trapped with. After their failed escape attempt, and her confession about her slip up, they made the best of their situation. Playing games, talking, and getting to know each other.

“Never have I been kissed…” Ugh, Star inwardly groaned, curse her stomach. She just needed to win the last goldfish. “Foot meet mouth-again”. Even now my face is heating up. Add this to the long list of humiliating memories that will keep me awake for the rest of my life. What if he thinks I’m hopeless?

Oh, no what if he thinks-No let’s not even go there. No, no, no. Gradually her disloyal imagination won the internal struggle and painted a picture of Ajay and her playing the game but ending with them kissing. Stop! Star chastised herself. Thinking like this is dangerous, Ajay is probably a mind reader and any second now he will yell at me. We need a distraction from these thoughts.

“Hey Ajay!” Star shouted, as she spun around to face him. Eyes wide, a smile on her face.  “Let’s play another game. Let’s plan what we would do in the event of a zombie attack!”

“I overheard your conversation with Rory before rehearsal, this must have been some book to leave such a lasting impression. Just what was so scary about it?” Ajay finished with a chuckle. A ghost of a smile forming on his face as her face turned red with embarrassment. “Are you afraid of zombies?”

“The scariest part of the book was that zombies retained different levels of awareness or maybe their intelligence from when they were human. Like how a vampire hierarchy works in books and movies. The stronger ones -ones that kept their intelligence- were able to control the lesser zombies that they infected, and they could speak as if they were still human. You wouldn’t know the difference, until it was too late.”

His eyes widen in shock as he imagined the possible scenarios those type of zombies would bring. “You could lead a horde of zombies straight to your door” his voice was barely a whisper, Star nodded in agreement. “It makes you to wonder do you isolate yourself, kill any and everybody that comes near you or take the risk and help someone who may be a zombie?”

“That’s what happened, a radio host led a horde of zombies to his radio station, they ate everyone but him. ‘Thanks for the meal’ was what the horde leader said as the host found his colleagues, friends and other survivors dead.”

_____________________________________________________________

Finally, he was home. Though Ajay only lived ten minutes away by car, his thoughts kept him preoccupied. After missing his street twice, he decided it was better to drive around for a while. He knew he should be rushing straight home, but the thought of entering his house filled him with turmoil. Panic slowly rose to the surface, his hands trembled on the steering wheel. He dreaded going inside, to face the music. He knew he wasn’t in trouble; thanks to Star he spoke to his mother on her cellphone. She was relieved that he was safe and on his way home. Told him she would finally be able to sleep once she saw his face. He could feel her exhaustion through the phone; however, he knew part of her exhaustion was not from her worry.

“They probably fought for hours, blaming each other for my disappearance. Blaming it on some nonexistent slight the other perceived happened. Probably accused each other of being the reason he ran away.” As if I would leave Mohit alone with their fighting.  Did their argument reach shouting levels again? Did the neighbors hear them fighting this time? Did Mohit? Of course Mohit heard them; whenever they fought, they forget about everyone else in their danger zone.

Looking at himself in the cars review view mirror Ajay attempted once more to calm his rising panic. “Focus on what you can control Ajay. The fight is over, once we get inside, let them know we are okay we can talk to Mohit. Make sure he’s okay, spend some time with him” Still he his body wouldn’t move from his seat. Sighing miserably, Ajay took a few more deep breaths, rested his head on the steering wheel. In through your nose, out through your mouth. He repeated that phrase over and over in his mind. Gradually a light sweet floral smell filled his nostrils, and the serenity returned. The scent cleansed him of his panic.  “My jacket smells like her.” A peaceful smile formed on his face as he remembered how she hugged him goodbye. She’d been amused that he was capable of affection.

As if any thoughts about Star were an invitation, his inner voice began its defiant attack. Just tell her you admire her. Ask her out! Take her somewhere FUN Ajay. She cares about you, maybe even likes you. She could have kept your jacket, but she gave it back so YOU wouldn’t suffer! And how do YOU respond? By making her walk home. Its tone becoming more disparaging as it continued. Real smooth. You could have driven her home, spent more time with her. How is she ever going to see you anything other than Ajay the Student Director?”

“Ajay the Student Director is all I am.” He was done with battling himself over this. Ever since auditions he’s suffered through this vicious cycle. This battle between what his stupid heart wanted and what his brain deemed acceptable.  “Have we forgotten about Kelly?” He hated thinking about his cringe-worthy past but recalling that disastrous summer always doused his emotions and dominated his inner voice.  

“Because this is how we end up with another Kelly and Marvin disaster. There’s too much riding on this play to let my personal feelings interfere. At most I can be her friend and it  will never be more than that.” Ajay got out his car and headed inside.

“She was sent from Hell to destroy us.”

[kpopsenarios]

Restrained- NCT Taeyong (Mafia AU) Part 4

Hi everyone! Here is the fourth part of Restrained! I have decided to make 5 parts to this scenario :) In the next part you’ll get a little sneak peak about which member will be posted next! Please let me know how you are finding this part once you read it, or leave any comments/feedback~ Anything will be appreciated :D

Summary: Being forced into a marriage was not what you expected, especially to the boss of a mafia. Everything was overwhelming, but that was only the start. It all became more interesting as you found yourself slowly falling in love.

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3  Part 4

Warning: Language, Sex, Violent themes

Your mind was still blank, the pain in your chest grew, you held your hand against it to soothe yourself but it was no use. Ara helped you up and sat you down on the couch, your heart began to race with all the bad thought coming into your head. What if he is hurt crudely? What if they torture him so much that he never wakes up? What if he dies? You shook your head in denial, trying to think of something you could do to help the situation. “Madam, here have some water” Ara offered a glass of water, you took the glass in your hand and pulled Ara to sit next to you.

“Ara, I need to do something… I can’t let anything happen to Taeyong, I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to him.” You said desperately with a determined look on your face. “I think it’s best if you stay in the house, I’m sure Jaehyun already has a plan to rescue Taeyong, if you go it might just make his job harder” You could tell Ara was trying to convince you but you weren’t ready to give in. You had to do something, anything that will assure you of Taeyong’s safety. 

“Fine, I will go and find him myself” at this point you were just being stubborn. “Madam, please… it’s not the time” “I think you have forgotten, you are just my maid, don’t you dare tell me what to do” You felt horrible as soon as the words had left your mouth. You saw Ara’s face drop as she looked down to the ground. “I apologize Madam” Her apology made you feel even more guilty but you didn’t want anything to stop you from going to see Taeyong. Finally, Ara said “Allow me to take you to the warehouse, where Jaehyun and the rest of them would be” Her voice now frightened. You went upstairs and got changed into clothes that would be easier to move around in. You decided to put on black clothing, a black shirt with a black leather jacket and black pants with black boots to match. 

As you headed downstairs, you felt a sharp pain once again, not from your back this time but from your stomach. It was rare, you never really experienced stomach pains, it was like someone had punched you. You bent over on the staircase, took a few minutes but managed to get into the car which Ara was waiting in by the front door. 

She drove as you sat in the back trying to fight your stomach pain away, you ended up in a position that eased some of the pain. Then soon, Ara pulled up to a warehouse, with lights and cameras all around. It was the biggest thing you’d seen in your whole entire life. Jumping out of the car, you observed the place carefully, it sent chills down your spine, it was somehow scary, it looked haunted but you felt at home. Walking to the front door, you felt Ara’s hand pulling onto your wrist. “Madam, are you okay? You look so pale...” to which you pulled your hand away and replied with a simple “I’m fine.”

The door was locked, you had no idea what the password was but you could hear noises coming from inside. It was a voice you had heard before, but you couldn’t quite recall who it was. “It’s Y/N” You hear the voice yelling out. Seconds later the door opened and you were greeted by Mark and Yuta. They were very different to how you saw them at the wedding and also at your mother in law’s house, they were armored with a bulletproof vest and a gun in their hand. “Greetings, please come in.” They bowed to you and you entered as you have been asked.

As you entered, the door shut immediately after you. Your eyes scanned the place, it was very different to how you imagined. The wide space had lots of things inside but it wasn’t messy, you walked over to a wall which had weapons hung up and admired how your husband sees this every day without being scared to death. A voice came from behind and made you jump “well look who we have here?” You turned to see it was Jaemin, smiling as he always does. “Are you okay?” He asked once he saw your pale appearance. “I’m fine… where is Jaehyun? I need to know where Taeyong is” You asked. “He’s in the back office, I’ll take you down but just so you know despite looking so pale you still look great” Jaemin winked.

Usually, you’d feel very shy and timid by his bold words but today, you brushed past him causing him to widen his eye. He gathered that you weren’t in the mood for him to joke around, so he took the lead and led you into a dark office where Jaehyun could be seen with men surrounding him. “We need to move fast, tonight is very crucial, we’re not coming back without Taeyong, understand?” There was a silent nod by the rest. “Hyung, Y/N is here,” Jaemin said while he sits down to join the conversation. 

“Y/N, why are you here?” A confused look can be seen from Jaehyun’s face, “I thought I told you to-” You cut him off from finishing his sentence “I know what you said, and I know this is probably not the best thing to do but I can’t bare the suspicion of not know if my husband is safe or not at home, especially alone.” Everyone looked at you then you realized Taeyong’s most trusted men were all in the room. “He’ll be okay, we will make sure he is.” A soft tone came from the back, you looked over to see Kun. He smiled at you gently and Jaehyun sank back onto the couch. 

“So what exactly do they want in exchange of Taeyong’s life?” Winwin was speaking this time, his voice was cold as usual. “They want everything, everything owned by NCT, I can’t let them do that, knowing Taeyong he’d probably tell them to kill him instead. He would protect NCT at all cost.” You heart skipped a beat for a second, hearing what Jaehyun said. ‘How can he just die… for NCT… what about me...’ the thought rushed past through your head.

“No! you can’t let him do that! I need him.” There are now tears building in your eyes, “I know we will try-” Then you cut him off again “No, don’t just try, you have to make sure he is back safely, I can’t lose him.” Your demanding words made everyone silent in the room. “How do you know what they want? did they send a letter or a video or something?” You said breaking the silence. This time Lucas spoke, “I interrogated the girl Johnny brought back and she told me some details but she wouldn’t tell me anything else...”. “What girl?” You directed this at Johnny who sat at the very end, looking down onto the ground. “Yuta saw her wandering around your house a few weeks ago, so he sent me to capture her which I did, I brought her back so Lucas could try and get something out of her and find out what he is after.” His voice sounded annoyed, you weren’t too sure why but this man didn’t seem to be a fan of you. 

But his words made you realize this whole time, you were wrong about Taeyong. That text from Johnny is about this mysterious girl who tried to sneak into your house. ‘That’s why Taeyong was here this whole time, trying to come up with something to secure NCT.’ You buried your face in your hands, lost for words. While your husband was doing such an important job, you were busy sobbing away at home, thinking he was seeing someone else. You felt stupid then a noise came from a distance away.

“What is that noise?” You asked with curiosity, “Probably just the girl Johnny brought back” Doyoung spoke, it was the first time you heard him since you arrived. “She is here? where is she?” “I think it’s better if you don’t see her” Lucas replied quickly as if he was trying to hide something. “Why? did you hurt her badly?” You asked while standing up. “No, but...” He didn’t go on any further knowing it was no use as you were heading towards the noise already.

You stopped in front of a room not too far from the office, the noise was clearly coming from the inside. You went to turn the knob but Jaehyun stopped you. You looked back to see all of them standing behind Jaehyun, “What?” “Are you sure?” Without answering you opened the door to see a table and chair sitting in the middle of the dark, stuffy room. Then you looked up, there she was, the girl who fucked up everything, she was hung up against the wall, hands and legs tied and mouth stuffed with a piece of cloth. You looked back to catch Lucas’ eyes, “Is this the best you can do?” then you walked over to the girl.

You watched as she struggled, trying to move her arms and legs which are tied down, she sounded as if she wants to say something, therefore, you stepped closer and removed the cloth in her mouth. “Save me” she pleads with tears streaming down her face. You looked at her with an intense gaze, “Save you? you want me to save you? do you not know who I am?” Your voice came out soulless, you were surprised by how emotionless and calm you were even seeing a girl being tortured like this in front of you. “Please… I’m begging you” she went on. You felt anger consuming over your conscious, you raised your hand and slapped across her face. “How dare you have the audacity to ask me to save you, after putting my husband in danger.” There was a bright red mark on her face. 

“You better pray he comes back safely otherwise I will fucking tear you apart with my own hands, I will make sure you die in the most painful way.” Your voice was stern, you meant every word you said then you turned to walk out. “Whew feisty, so hot, I like it” You heard Jaemin comment quietly as you walked past.

Moments later, they all came back to the office where you were, they informed you that they’re going to prepare themselves and head out as the night grew darker. You followed them to the weapon area and watched as Doyoung distributed weapons to everyone, It was strange seeing them all armored. “I’m coming too” you requested. There was no answer instead they all carried on with what they were doing. “I said I’m coming” Finally, Jaehyun came closer to you, “Don’t be silly, it’s dangerous, stay here and we’ll get Taeyong.” 

His hand was on your shoulder assuring you but you didn’t want to listen. “I’m coming. That was a statement, I wasn’t asking if I could” “Stop making our job harder.” You recognized the annoyed voice, it was Johnny. He walked up to you and said with dead eyes “I don’t want to waste my energy saving you... ” “You won’t have to” you tried to sound confident but it came out cowardly. “Fuck it… do whatever you want, just know you are not our priority so if you get hurt then don’t come crying.” “You and I have the same priority.” Then Winwin came and handed you a bulletproof vest and stuffed a pocket knife into your hand. “Use this when you need to...” He wasn’t looking at you but you felt warmed by his action.

Once everyone was ready, you all hopped into separate cars, you were riding with Mark, Yuta, and Jaemin. You felt more comfortable being next to Jaemin, although he was always joking now he seemed very intimidating with his uptight expression. The car came to a stop, you peeked out to see rows of warehouses, which seems to belong to Got7. “We’re here” Mark Informed you. Jaemin handed you something as you looked out the window. “Keep this on you too, and don’t hesitate to use it” you looked at your hand and saw a taser. You nodded as a sign of appreciation. 

All of you had parked quite distant just in case you’d alarm their security. As you hop off, you could hear Jaehyun quietly ordering everyone and reminding each of them of their job. “Johnny, Y/N will move with you.” Then you saw Johnny roll his eyes, you knew he didn’t want to but he couldn’t disobey Jaehyun’s orders. You watched as they separate to search for Taeyong, you followed Johnny and tried to catch up with his long legs. “I’m not going to wait for you if you want to be slow,” he said with an irritated voice. With that he disappeared into the darkness, you had to admit after Johnny left you felt scared, you felt alone but the thought of rescuing Taeyong motivated you to keep going. 

Finally, you were near the warehouse, you had no idea where everyone else was but you stayed hidden as that was the smartest thing to do. You could see some men walking around with guns in their hand but they seemed to be relaxed, unaware of the situation. You moved quietly and came to a door, debating whether you should open it or not, you went with your gut feeling. You opened the door and it made a loud crack. “Fuck” you whispered under your breath. Then you hear footsteps running towards you. holding the taser tightly in your sweaty hand, you anticipated for the security to find you but to your surprise, the footstep vanished. You peeked to see Johnny, he had two men lying next to his leg, bleeding. 

You felt relieved. “Are you serious?” He shook his head and asked. “I didn’t know...” You admitted. You watched Johnny holding onto his ear to see he had headphones in, he listened and nodded in response then turned to you to say “They searched row 1, 2, 4 and 5 but Taeyong isn’t there so he should be here, this is row 3, we need to move fast.” You couldn’t believe how fast these men worked. You wondered how long they have trained to have become so professional. Tailing behind Johnny, you followed him and helped to search through each warehouse, you hope began to die down. Maybe Taeyong isn’t even here after all…

Then it came to the last warehouse, you could feel tears twirling in your eyes, you had lost all hope in finding Taeyong, you regretted everything, you wished you had told him you loved him earlier, you wish you spent more time with him but it’s all too late now. While you were occupied in your own thoughts, Johnny had opened the door. No one could be seen. Your heart dropped, Johnny let out a long sigh and just as he was about to inform Jaehyun, Taeyong couldn’t be seen, you heard a faint sound. It was very subtle, almost silent, you walked into the warehouse and reached your hand out to feel since it was pitch black. 

As you walked further down you could hear clear sounds of breathing, you turned to whisper, “Johnny, someone is in here” to which he followed in and turn on his torch. The light of the torch didn’t show much but then something came into your vision. Someone you’ve been dying to see, someone you missed dearly. It was Taeyong, he was tied to a pole and there was blood all over him. Johnny quickly informed Jaehyun about the location of Taeyong then paced towards Taeyong check if he was okay. You froze, unwilling to move, you were horrified by the sight of your almost dying husband. 

You scanned his body to see deep cuts, cuts that still had blood gushing out of him, you couldn’t move closer to him. “Y/N, come and help untie Taeyong” Johnny called out to your frozen figure. It took you a minute to come to your sense, you slowly moved closer, at last, your hand was in contact with the person you missed. Tears rolled down your cheek quietly, it hurt you more than anything to see him like this, you wish it was you instead.  

“We have to be quick, otherwise we will be noticed,” Johnny told you but it was too late. The light of the warehouse switched on, in front of you stood a pack of men who seemed like they didn’t come in peace. “Well well well, what do we have here.” An average height men stepped forward, he wasn’t afraid to come close, he walked towards you but Johnny stopped him before he reached. “Stay the fuck away Jinyoung.” Then it all made sense, it was Jinyoung, the leader of Got7 that’s why he didn’t show a bit of horror. 

“Very brave, standing up against me, I admire you.” He patted Johnny on his back to push him out of the way. Johnny stepped aside and held his gun to point it towards Jinyoung, “I told you to stay the fuck away.” “Chill man, I just want a chat with this beautiful lady” he leaned into your face you weren’t scared, you stared right into his eyes. “Don’t touch her you fucking bustard” it was a weak voice coming from behind you, it was Taeyong. He tries to stand himself up but failed, he kneeled down but kept his red veiny eyes on Jinyoung. 

“Stay the fuck away from her, talk to me.” You could tell he was forcing himself to talk, it crushed you to see him like this, “But I don’t want to talk to you, I want to talk to this lady more, it will be more exciting, we should talk somewhere else too, perhaps my bedroom?” Jinyoung gave you the most disgusting look, you felt sick.

You were about to fight back when suddenly a bullet came flying. It shot Jinyoung right in the back, you watched him collapse onto his knees and his men began to panic, they held Jinyoung and rushed out before Jaehyung came in with Winwin. It was Winwin, he shot Jinyoung, you knew it had to be him, it was the most accurate shot. “C'mon lets get out before they load more men!” With that Johnny got Taeyong onto his back and ran towards where the car was parked. 

Johnny softly placed Taeyong in the car you came in, you sat in the back with Taeyong in your arms as Mark drove. You didn’t know how to feel at this moment, you felt empty, Taeyong was seriously injured but you couldn’t help. Your tears dropped into Taeyong’s cheek. You held up a hand to wipe it off but Taeyong raised his arm to hold yours. “Don’t cry.” He said, almost whispering. “It’s all my fault this happened, I’m so sorry.” You blame yourself. “Shhh” Taeyong hushed you, “I’m right here, I’m fine.” You hold him close to you hoping it would ease away the pain for him.

“You shouldn’t have come… The last thing I want is for you to get hurt.” You heart shattered into millions of pieces, you couldn’t believe this man in front of you was worried about you getting hurt while being severely injured. “If I had the option, I’d do the same for you all over again.” You looked into his eyes and said “I love you Taeyong, I’m sorry I can’t meet your expectations of me. I don’t want to just be a display, my feelings for you are real, I am not going to let you push me away anymore, I can’t bare to lose you again knowing you never found out.” Taeyong was weak, he didn’t speak, his eyes were shut but a tear leaked through his heave eyelids. “If I had the choice again, I’d do the same… I love you too….” he finished his sentence and drifted asleep in your arms. 

You placed a kiss on his forehead. His warm body provided you the affection you needed. You were pleased to find out that the feelings you have for Taeyong were mutual. It was as if you were dreaming but you knew you weren’t. 

Admin Mi.

[actuallyadork]

Getting started learning Japanese.

Here’s some resources I’m using to learn Japanese and what I think they do well and not so well. This is all based on my own experiences and what works best for me.

I will be rating based on the following criteria: Cost, Is it easy to use?, How much does it cover?, Pros, Cons, Overall impression.

Tofugu

I’m replacing a previous recommendation with this one. Far superior. I’ll just get right to it.

Free. Easy to use.

Pros: articles on just about everything. Theres a podcast. And every month they post resources for learning japanese. I highly recommend this website for these posts alone.

Cons: some content you gotta pay for but as far as i know they don’t duck around with people’s trust. They are the creators of wanikani and they gotta make money somehow.

Overall: far more useful that the first website i had on here. Maybe I’ll add more details later, but I just wanted to update this one as quickly as possible.

Japanese from Zero (video series)

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLOcym2c7xnBwU12Flkm5RcLIEhvURQ8TB

Cost: free

Easy to use: yes. Theres a nice playlist so all you have to do is sit and watch.

How much does it cover: You start out knowing absolutely no japanese and by the end of lessons you will know two writing systems. Basic sentence patterns and grammar. There is even a kanji series.

Pros: nothing is easier than sitting and watching videos to learn. You can play it anywhere at anytime. George has been teaching/speaking Japanese for years so he knows where students get stuck. He gives good explanations and examples on when to use new content and when not to use the new content.

Cons: because its a series, sometimes George refers to previous lessons or his book and you may be missing some context if you start in the middle or skip through some lessons.

Overall: The first lessons were painful to get through because It starts out with romanization and if you already know the writing systems, seeing the romaji on screen is like listening to nails on chalk. Not to mention I have a personal beef with numbers and counting as well as the common phrases like “おはよう”

But it is called Japanese from Zero and it is meant for someone who knows absolutely nothing about japanese so I can forgive the painful beggining lessons. Once I got past the introductory stuff the videos became more enjoyable.

Duolingo (app)

Cost: free

Easy to use: yes

How much does it cover: basic japanese sentence patterns, all three writing systems and a handful of new vocabulary.

Pros: teaches new words and sentence patterns and really drills them into your head. Gives you a few new words at a time so you can take the time to learn them without being distracted from all the other words you need to learn. You can go into the course as a Japanese person trying to learn English and really get the most out of Duolingo because the japanese version starts out with Kanji and even gives polite and casual sentence forms.

Cons: very repetitive. I don’t find fault with this but a coworker of mine found this to be very annoying and I can understand why. Duolingo says the lessons will get harder but instead its the same lesson except now you have to review it 10 times instead of 5. That’s not exactly hard, that’s just tedious. My biggest gripe with duolingo is that it doesn’t explain particles or why the kanji has different readings. In order to figure that out I had to go and do my own research which isn’t a big deal but if you’re only using duolingo by itself it makes it harder to understand why you keep getting things incorrect and subsequently how to fix it.

Overall: I will admit I am biased towards duolingo because I’ve used it for Spanish, French, Italian, and now Japanese. I was there from it’s early days when it was absolute shit and it has come a long way. I recognize the issues with Duolingo right now but I know that they are constantly updating. Painful as it may be to keep hearing 六時六分です it really is teaching you sentence patterns that you can use to make your own sentences. You just have to go out and do a little extra work yourself. It is, by far, the easiest to use and the method I use everyday.

TinyCards (app)

Cost: free

Easy to use: yes

How much does it cover: it covers a lot of vocabulary phrases and even sentences. You can probably get a lot mileage out of this one if used correctly and if you’re willing to put in the work

Pros: dozens of pre-made flashcards to choose from and the ability to make your own. Cards come in sets that you can unlock by finishing the first set similar to duolingo. A lot of other flashcard apps work in a similar way except they make you pay for the rest so I appreciate that this one is free of charge. Plus you can find flashcards specifically from the duolingo courses so you can study the vocabulary in isolation rather than in a sentence. Interactive flashcard system. So you don’t just flip cards and call it a day, occasionally you will have to write out the translation in the target language or pick from several choices.

Cons: the difficulty can be a little inconsistent. Sometimes you just flip a card and say I remember that one and other times you’ll have to translate a full sentence in Japanese. Even if you get the kanji right, you may get the answer incorrect because the card wants the hiragana and vice versa. And because there are so many card sets to choose from, not all of them are useful.

Overall: a sister app to duolingo it seems. Cards come from the community of learners and are not limited to japanese or languages. You can also learn about history, art and pretty much anything else. I appreciate the interactive aspect as most other apps don’t do this and the ones that do are muuuch more inconsistent than this one. I found similar interactive flashcard apps that would sometimes show Vietnamese translations instead of English translations. I’ve only recently been using this one but I pretty much gave up on using other similar apps bc they were very inconsistent. I haven’t used it very much though because I’ve discovered that I’m not a flashcard learner. If you learn best with flashcards then I would recommend it.

Tae Kim’s Guide to Japanese (website/pdf/app)

Cost: free

Easy to use: relatively. Just read the damn thing. I get it though. Reading is very tedious

What it covers: It really is a beginner to advanced beginner guide covering the same things as all the above. Basic grammar, writing systems and such. One thing that is very unique about Tae Kim’s guide however is that it also includes cultural notes such as explaining casual vs polite speech. Male vs female speech that a lot of the other resources don’t even touch on

Pros: A very good starting point that covers so so much. The website has an option to show/toggle translations. Additional cultural notes plus examples. Almost every“how to learn japanese” guide points to this website

Cons: one of the reasons I was holding out on making this list was because I haven’t finished going through all the resources so I don’t have any cons for this yet. I’m only part-way through and I’ve yet to have any issues with it. Maybe just that once it gets the point across it immediately moves on. You don’t really have time to digest the content so It’s like a very in-depth crash course in japanese. You may need to go out and do extra research in order to really understand the content. If you don’t understand what is being taught, just read over it again and keep it in mind. I’ve found that I’ll come across more examples as I continue my studies and it all starts to fall into place

Overall: It doesn’t sugarcoat Japanese or treat the learner like a baby. If you read the introductory page, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Definitely influenced my approach to learning despite not having gone through all of it. Like other resources, it builds on top of topics already covered but it’s nice having a book-format with conjugation charts and lessons separated by chapters. Videos and podcasts are nice but Tae Kim’s guide also acts as a manual to supplement your learning. Maybe you want to write a sentence in the masu-form and need a quick reminder? Just flip to the page in the guide. No skipping through videos trying to find the part you need because it’s already there.

Manga Sensei (podcast/website)

Cost: mostly free. I believe theres some extra stuff you can purchase. I’ve seen a special podcast that requires payment and comes along with a free pdf. But for the most part, you get a lot of free content.

Easy to use: relatively. Havent been on the website much so for all i know it could be a mess

What it covers: the podcast covers a lot of grammar points and occasional vocabulary and cultural notes. Gives you a good foundation to build on top of. The website has more details on what the podcasts are about but I haven’t spent much time on the website as I have the podcast.

Pros: grammar points in 5 minutes or less. Differences between common words. Good for improving listening skills. If you’re driving or on a bus, you can learn on the go.

Cons: so much to choose from you kinda have to sift through what you need. Most of it is useful and there are a couple of repeat lessons as Manga-Sensei has a beginner’s guide every year. Because its audio only, you may be learning new words and grammar but you may not be able to identify them as quickly on paper. Best to supplement with some type of visual. I believe the website has something to solve this and I’ve heard there is a youtube channel as well? Although I am not sure.

Overall: If you’re going on a long car ride, folding your laundry or even just working-out, this is a great way to stay on top of your studies. Manga-Sensei has talked a lot about his projects such as his manga, alternate podcasts, and pdf. Even though I haven’t taken a look at all of them, it’s clear he’s working hard to bring content for listening, reading, and conversation skills. That being said, the podcast is just as good for learning as any other method. You can still understand the lessons (which are meant to be short and simple anyway)

Japanese Ammo with Misa (Video Series)

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBSyd8tXJoEJKIXfrwkPdbA

Cost: free although she has a Patreon as well if you want to support her.

Easy to use: yep

How much does it cover: A Lot. From basic videos about grammar to more complex videos breaking down japanese songs as well common phrases and little notes that you may not find in a textbook

Pros: Her lessons have a lot of examples and good breakdowns of the grammar and tense. If a verb is in the past-negative tense, she will break down how to get to that point from the plain form or dictionary form. The best part about her videos is that she has her examples on-screen and color-coded. It may seem like a lot at first, but once you adjust to it, it helps to retain the information.

Cons: Because there’s so much content packed into her lessons, I recommend getting a basic knowledge of Japanese first. She has a video series for basic/introductory Japanese. I would suggest starting with that series or George’s series, or Tae Kim’s guide. Just so you don’t get an information overload.

Overall: There is one video in particular that I recommend to watch and I’ll make another post about it, but I really enjoy her content. Even though some of her videos are very dense with information, the comments suggest that its still easy to follow. I just think that while you can still learn a lot as a newbie, you might retain more if you already understand some grammar.

Japanese (app)

Cost: free holy shit!!

Easy to use: relatively

Pros: search using english, japanese, radicals, or drawing the kanji itself. Flashcard system, where you can build your own decks or use a pre-made one. The flashcards operate on a spaced repetition system. Plus it provides example sentences, compound breakdowns, stroke order, conjugations and JLPT level.

Cons: The drawing search method is sometimes hit or miss but i’m impressed the app has this option at all, let alone that it does not crash the app (like some others I’ve tried). The pre-made decks can have up to 400 words or more which is great if you have that kind of patience but I rarely find myself excited to sift through all of those words only to have about 10 of them be useful to me.

Overall: Okay it’s not like this app is super amazing or revolutionary but it’s a dictionary and flashcard sytem all in one. Say you want to keep a record of the new words you learn to refer back to them later? Make a new deck! Or if you’re reading a book or newspaper and come across a word you don’t know? Add it to the list or make a new deck! I try use new words as often as possible to drill them into my head And although my studying has slowed a bit, this app is perfect to double-check spelling and usage. (At least until jisho.org gets an app). Plus it’s easier to learn and remember words when you’ve come across them on your own.

[feelsgoodink]

Bad Blood Pt. 2 ( Draco Malfoy x Gryffindor! Reader )

(This takes place in your fourth year, a year after pt. 1 ) 

PART ONE; https://feelsgoodink.tumblr.com/post/176245412984/bad-blood-pt-1-draco-malfoy-x-gryffindor

PART THREE; https://feelsgoodink.tumblr.com/post/176278233439/bad-blood-pt-3-draco-malfoy-x-gryffindor

PART FOUR; https://feelsgoodink.tumblr.com/post/176291263374/bad-blood-pt-4-draco-malfoy-x-gryffindor 

PART FIVE; https://feelsgoodink.tumblr.com/post/176363836809/bad-blood-pt-5-draco-malfoy-x-gryffindor

Although longer than it seemed, even with all the wicked crazy trials that were thrown at Harry Potter and the people he surrounded himself with, that the yule ball became a solid subject in conversation. Of course, this meant several things, potential romance, potential violence, and most prominently; social interaction.

So, how was it that you had convinced yourself to even leave the common room tonight? You had no intention to be noticed, nor had you intended for anyone to see you in particular. But yet, here you were, sliding past other students searching for familiar faces, panicked by your insecurities. 

You felt awful, particularly about your weight. The red dress that hugged your curves was held up by matching crimson laced sleeves, the ribbon around your neck providing the illusion that you didn't have two chins at standing. Your hands were covered by pure white gloves, lipstick to match. Your eyes drew directly to your hips, the width around them. As you walked alone through the mess hall, you felt only as if you needed a place to hide. This was a colossal mistake.

Draco was standing in the attic of the astronomy tower, not intended to join any of the others in their festivities, rather be alone with himself, the tower, and the shiny green apple in his hands. He was silent, letting slivers of moonlight fall onto his face as he faced away from the door, feeling safe, secure, no one ever came up here. He huffed, trying not to think on things that weighed in on his mind, fingers fiddling with the slightly sour fruit in his hands.

 The pale moonlight competed with his complexion, he closed his eyes to allow the secluded quiet sing to him.  All was well for him, until he heard the twisting of a knob. 

Flinching, startled, he immediately whipped around to catch eyes with the person interrupting his serenity. He couldn't see from the darkness of the room, causing him to become frustrated. "Who's there?" He called, sighing. "Speak, now." He demanded, authoriatively, as if this place was his and his alone. Frightened by the urgency in his voice, was little old you, and all you could see was the silhouette on someone with a wand now aimed toward you, causing a panic and backing you up against door. Draco stepped into a small allowance of light, making clear who he was. 

"I thought I was going to be alone- I just-" You couldn't construct sentences, once again, as you always couldn't around him. Draco looked appalled, but lowered his wand. 

"You're not supposed to be up here." He stated, too angry to even come up with something witty to say. You were more than prepared to leave, about to twist the doorknob and race out to forget everything, when you heard stirring close outside. You froze, letting go of the doorknob. Your ruby red lips quivered, dilated eyes wide and dark, as your breathing caused your chest to rise and fall, a panic attack on the rise as you prepared yourself for him to ruin you.

"bloody hell, Mr. Filch must be coming..." He grabbed your arm, tugging you to the side. "Follow me and be quiet." He whispered softly, leading you to the side

 and looking around, before forcefully pushing you down under a table covered by a cloth and then moved down beside you, moving a hand over your mouth. "Not a sound..." He commanded. 

His eyes are better at enchanting than his wand is, the darkest, most femine part of your mind chimed. You didn't have much time to think before you were dragged under, the grip on your arm tightened causing your breath to hitch. 'not a sound', his words repeated in your head as you realized just how close your bodies were, and you were doing everything to ignore the idea of your dress ripping, the tightness of the fabric and the uncomfortable position of which you were contorted too. The thiness of the tablecloth allowed a little bit more light to fall in between you, and you locked eyes with Draco just as his hand covered your mouth. 

The blonde slytherin finally caught your gaze, becoming captivated in your dark eyes, until he heard the door open, only causing in him to press slightly closer, due to the table being a bit small. His face was only inches from yours, his lips oddly prominent and a soft pink. His pearly white teeth were biting down on them to keep quiet, his eyes looking through the tablecloth. Draco tried his hardest not to breath too much, or too loud, and he hoped you would do the same. He could tell you were struggling to do so. 

Draco was right, you were in a state of panic, for if you were to speak, or move, not only would you be in trouble with the school, but you would be in trouble with Malfoy. You nearly shuddered at the thought of the ways he would make your life miserable if things took a turn for the worst. What would your friends think? You couldn't see what Draco was seeing, but whatever it was, struck fear into his eyes, which caused a rapture of terror inside your body. And the way he looked at you, the gaze was confusing, filled with emotions you hadn't seen before from him- things you'd never expect from him, like fear. You kept her quiet, although your breathing was being constricted by Draco's ghostly white hand.

His eyes switched from you to beyond you multiple times, for what seemed like an eternity as he watched a figure search aimlessly around the attic. With the shutting of the door, he dropped his hand from your mouth and let out a relieved sigh. Relaxing for a moment, he finally realized your attire. He grew speechless. And you couldn't tell, but Draco was admiring you, the epiphany of being faced with the reality of just how close you were caused him to pause. What was previously his only free arm had seemed to lock in place around where your hip rested against the floor, where his eyes began to focus. They panned upwards, moving slowly and taking in how well the tight red fabric fit onto your pale but freckled complexion, how the lace hid your spotted shoulders, the way the sweetheart neckline formed an emphasize on your top half, the ribbon of your choker necklace fitting to your form. Finally, his stare settled at your ruby lips. His own pale pink ones began to quiver. 

You didn't know if he could tell, but somehow you felt as if maybe, you were sharing some sort of the same emotion. You followed his eyes to where they were staring, and you mimicked their actions. 'No', you told yourself, your mind denied any thought that came into it, because none of them were ladylike, or probable. To think that he was actually responding to your appearance in anything but hatred, hell,  even you hated the way you looked. Not to mention, this was Malfoy, who just recently was you in the hallway, who had just covered your mouth and looked at you like you belonged in Azkaban. This was an illusion, that lustful gaze of his had to actually be hatred- the moonlight was fooling you. It had to be. The idea of it didn't stop you from leaning in closer, however.

Draco moved the hand that had previously been on your mouth, moving it to your waist on instinct, and like you to him, he was leaning in. His mind was racing, not able to contain a single thought. Soon he just wiped it clean. He didn't want to think.. think about almost getting caught, or the consequences of his near future actions. All that he wanted to think about... was you. 

Truth be told, he adored you... but his pride prevented him from revealing that, so he did what he did best. Bully and disrespect. He couldn't stand it, being so rude to you... right now he couldn't open that box. He just leaned in and pressed your lips together gently, closing his eyes as his lips touched yours. Your face formed a rosy new color, as you pressed your hands to the wooden floor to keep your balance. You kissed back, once stable, not being able to tell the transfer of your lipstick on him, moving one hand in a fit of courage to hold tightly onto his shirt, gripping tighter as you pulled closer into him.

Your mouths seemed to fit also like puzzle pieces for a moment, until Draco brought his head foreward and tilted his head slightly, putting one hand to her cheek to guide her. You could relate- although your feelings were unsaid, no matter how much you were told to hate Draco Malfoy- she was absolutely infatuated with him, in love with the idea of cracking open this dark facade he kept up. Your eyes finally closed, enjoying this moment that you weren't sure how long would last.

Faint but obvious sounds of kissing filled the air, he moved one hand to untie his tie before bringing himself closer onto you, almost dominantly. He wasn't sure where he would or wouldn't take this, simply enjoying the moment, genuinely, actually enjoying it. Suddenly, another noise interrupted the trance he was it. A throat clearing.

( part three or nah? ) 

[sunshinechii-scenarios]

Read in between the lines

✿ Seventeen’s Seungcheol x Female!Reader ✿ College AU ✿ Vampire!Seungcheol ✿ Kinda angsty? Mainly sad? ✿ 1.6k words ✿ Not requested ✿ Written by Chii ✿ Masterlist!

HEy y’allllll I’m back! I kinda got sad and wanted to express it somehow? College sucks so far :( but I was able to format my sadness into a fic so thats good right?? It kinda doesn’t make sense tho LOL I hope you guys like it tho!

I was able to format the following divider for only this blog’s use so please don’t take it or use in your own posts, thank you. - Chii

       You found yourself in the small shared room of your dorms. Your roommate was gone and nowhere to be seen or heard from. Probably at a party with her friends or someplace else you never really bothered to ask whenever she left. You became friends with the closed in box feeling as you anticipated another long coffee filled night. For some reason, something about the sunset brings down the mood. As the sky transitions from a bright orange to a dark black, you spend most of it working on school work. The color of the sky makes you think about things that aren't so pleasant and sometimes you find yourself so overwhelmed with your own emotions. Dark spots littered whatever hoodie or sweater you had on. You wiped away tears aggressively. The sun had to peek-a-boo one last time as it fell behind the curtain. It had just become night and here you are, crying your eyes out about things.

      As a college student there were a lot of things to worry about. This time, in particular, was long-distanced good friends and just being homesick. You were afraid of being alone. You'd give anything to travel back home to spend the day with your good friends again but here you are. Tears falling freely as you give up on irritating your cheeks and let them fall onto your messy statistic notes. It took you awhile to collect yourself and decided to check your email in hopes of forgetting the feeling. You scrolled through them, looking for any important ones like package shipment, things from professors and sales in clothing stores. In the millions of emails you never bothered to clean out, unfortunately you got an email from your literature professor.

      He was a new teacher at the school. This year was his first year and he actually had graduated from the school. Professor Choi, Seungcheol he asks us to call him, had just gotten his master's degree in literature and was able to teach at the college. He was tall and looked intimidating. He did give off an aura of something mysterious that reminded you of the creatures in the Eastern European folktales you had to read. Although it was easy to talk to him as teacher, he was always friendly with the students, and always looked out for the well-being of his students. Sadly, this meant he would often send out the emails to students when their grades would slip. Out of concern, he would call students to his office to talk about the problem and tried his best to understand because he was once in that position as well. He wanted to be the best professor he could. You begrudgingly read the email further and gather the basic information in the text. 

      Good evening, I'm worried about your grades on the recent exam. You had almost failed and I would like you to meet me in my office at 5:45 p.m. I'll see you then. 

      The next thing you did was look at the clock, the small digital clock at the bottom right corner of your laptop. It read 5:30 p.m. you had 15 minutes to get your act together and make it look like you didn't just cry your heart out. The last thing you wanted was to look like an emotional wreck while leaving the dorms.

      You quickly went to your ensuite bathroom and wash your face with cold water, changed out of the grey hoodie you had on and into one of the t-shirts the college had given you during an event a year or two ago. You grabbed your phone and your wallet before starting to walk towards the teacher offices in the middle of campus. Thankfully, you didn't live that far from the offices but it the air was particularly cold. It was the beginning of Autumn and the end of Summer, the sun would set quicker and you would find yourself getting upset and sad earlier as the day went on. You put away your bad emotions, not wanting to let this affect your meeting with the professor. You scan into the building and greeted the security guard. You went up the stairs and looked for room 3 1B. A short walk down the hall and to your right was the room. You knocked on the door and waited outside patiently.

      Seungcheol opened the door and his face lit up at the sight of you. He told you to come in a take a seat on the chair that was placed across his table. The sun set, leaving little natural light to enter his office. He turned on the small lamp after he had closed his door and sat down,

“So, your grades,” he slid your test paper in front of you with a red 57 in a circle at the top corner, “what’s going on? You’re a bright student and I hate to see you fail like this,” he said as he crossed his arms and leaned back on his chair. He sensed the change in mood.

“Just personal issues,” you weakly said as you looked away from him. You found those negative emotions coming back and wanted to run out of this office to cry in peace back in your room.

“Hey, look at me,” you turn your head back to him. Seungcheol stares deep into your eyes with his ruby colored ones. Red? You feel yourself swaying, “you’ll be okay.”

Seungcheol knew his power wasn't strong. It had been a while since he last fed on human blood. 

      He got up from his seat and walked to your side. The swivel chair turned and now he was facing you. Gemstone like eyes glowed as the sound of his teeth pushed through his gums to reveal themselves.

      Although your eyes blurred your vision and your body was still, there was a slight trembling of your lips. You weren't in a deep enough trance. He knew the trance wouldn't last long or be deep. You would still have some memory of what happened but a little help from the Chemistry professor could help. Lee Chan is very well known for his ability in forgetfulness concoctions.

It had been far too long since a prey had shaken as he stood in front of him. Often times he would either be stabbing a straw into a pack or be eating human food.

      Seeing you shaking made him feel powerful. Had been ages since people feared vampires. He found himself with a slight smile on his face as he bent down. Cold hands found themselves behind your neck and cold lips touched your ear. 

"What are you afraid of?" His voice wasn't comforting anymore. Knowing well that you had the power to speak at a whisper, he asked again. He wanted to feed his pride. He let go of you and stared at your face, waiting for an answer.

      His eyes widened at your answer. It was unexpected. He thought you would say that you fear him and he would hear your soft voice straining to scream and beg but you didn't. You didn't know what was going on but you were scared. You felt like you had no control but had all of it at the same time. If you were going to die, you might as well expose your emotions to someone at least once. All the feelings you held in. You felt like you couldn’t talk to anyone about them, not a single soul. When you wanted to talk to someone, you blame yourself for your bad timing. ‘I’m busy right now,’ or ‘sorry, I can’t talk right now.’ You just kept it in. When someone noticed you were upset, you brushed them off. Knowing they might not understand and only a few did but those few weren’t in your reach anymore.

“I fear of being alone and left behind.” Your voice was indeed soft, full of fear but not fear of him. Seungcheol steps back.

      He starts to piece things together. He hadn't seen you with other students at all. Found it hard for you to group up with classmates and often worked by yourself. When you were in a group, you had on the biggest smile but how much of that was real? He stared at your emotionless face with tears rolling down your checks. Knowing you won't remember this, he pulls you in while you're still paralyzed. Your body was limp. His body was cold but yours was too. He wanted to comfort you but he knew well that you wouldn't feel anything or remember anything. For the first time in a while, he felt genuine pity for a human. There's something inside of him that tells him that he shouldn’t feed on you but he’s been hungry for so long. He quickly lets his fangs pierce your skin. The blood is warm but far from sweet. It’s bitter. He keeps going until he’s full. Seungcheol stands up and wipes the blood around his mouth on his sleeve. His cheeks were wet. He had been crying. Blood carries emotions. It’s been so long since he fed that he forgot. He harshly rubs his eyes and looks down at you. He shakes his head and grabs a few tissues from his desk. He dries your cheeks gently and wipes up any blood on your neck.

      “Hey, Chan. Yeah, I fed. I need some of that memory wiping stuff you make,” he stopped his sentence to look at you slumped on the chair, “I got myself into some trouble.”

Seungcheol paused for a bit, "Chan, make some of that for me too. My heart doesn't beat anymore but it hurts.”

Tbh this probably won't make sense but idk I wanted to write a fic but I was kinda sad and idk lol. I'm just sad all the time bros college blows :( my two good friends are far and I'm alone in our hometown. I made like no friends and I just wanna disappear. - Chii

Please don’t claim this as your own and please don’t do anything with it without my permission. If you don’t want it happening to you, don’t do it to others.

[dinosaursindisarray]

It took about 5 hours to shower today.

I don't mean that I took a 5 hour shower. No, that would be, I imagine, incredibly boring, wasteful, eventually cold, and leave me really rasin-y. I mean it took 5 hours for me to be able to get in the shower.

When I got up this morning, I was like, hm, I should shower today. Yesterday was a lot of cleaning around the house and I need to do the laundry I have, so I'll do that and then get a shower. Easy peasy. That's something that the majority of people have to do at least every few days, right? It should be no problem.

The household laundry had already been sorted into easy to do piles by color, but that meant that it wasn't just my laundry anymore. For some reason, that made me feel incapable of doing it; I thought I would somehow ruin it. I was already super dissociated from the stress stuff I wrote about in my earlier post, so I just sort of hovered around the washer and piles of clothes for a few minutes, looking at them for an answer. It honestly wasn't an option to just... find all of my clothes and do only them. What if that was wrong? What if it made someone mad? The vague threat of potential danger and the very immediate uncertainty made that impossible. So I just went back upstairs, defeated and anxious.

'We can't shower now,' someone inside said, 'we don't have clothes.' I pointed out that we have a few clothes for just around the house that are comfy and also for when the littles think everything is infected and bad. 'But we don't have all our clothes. Or our towels.'

As an aside: while in the hospital I started writing down all of our triggers I could think of. It quickly became an extensive list. When we got home, I organized it. Some of them are seemingly counteractive, like, one trigger is, of course, showering. But another is feeling unclean. Another is drying off, and another is soft fabric touching me when my skin is wet. So showering is bad enough, but then trying to get out is bad as well.

For some reason I don't personally get, most people like soft towels. So all towels we come across are soft and triggering. The solution has been that when we find not-soft towels, we keep them and use only them to minimize how awful the experience of getting clean is. But with all the towels in the wash, the only thing left was the dreaded soft towels.

I could find one and bring it up to use, I said. They can't be that dirty, we haven't been using them since we've been gone and we washed them just before we left. 'No, they're not clean, they touched dirty clothes, they're infected.' A little chimed in, so, okay. Toss that idea. That little became aware that we were not clean to their standards either, and started to become upset, so I put a timer on it. When my sister in law came home from work, we'd shower; either ask her if we could do laundry or just, have someone in the house to make the whole thing easier. And safer.

Some of the Cold Children came around (thankfully with no memories or anything) cocon in the afternoon, and the body became freezing. I couldn't stop us from shivering, no matter what. A hot bath began to sound good, personally, and I started to daydream about it - I was daydreaming about bathing. Have something soothing in the water, have it hot and warm up, maybe make tea! Relax in the bath like you see people do in movies and stuff!

The soft towels would be fine this once, we'd dealt with them before when it was necessary. I grabbed one that seemed like an old beach towel, hoping it'd be similar enough to avoid any upset. My sister in law wasn't home yet, but it was already a while past the time I thought she would be home, so I figured that I didn't actually know when she'd be back.

I set up some stuff and went to text her that I was going to take a bath; I got halfway through typing the text when it was like I blinked, and suddenly I was filled with panic and dread. I didn't want a bath. Thinking about any of the steps needed to get a bath made me feel ill; thinking about sitting in the tub made me feel like I couldn't breathe. My daydream bubble had popped and drenched me in icy fear. I dumped the tea that I made and ran to the bedroom.

We were still freezing. I tried to get the blanket off of the top bunk where I sleep, but was met with wailing resistance: we weren't clean and the blanket had just been washed. We weren't allowed to touch it. And then from inside, disgust, and anger. It drowned out the fear momentarily: we still needed to fucking bathe? Fine. Someone huffed mentally and shoved everything away just long enough for us to get into the shower.

Flashbacks started happening, of course, but they weren't as bad, I guess. My thoughts turned to what I can only describe as 'poetry', because that's the word that my brain gets stuck on. All emotion drained from me and words started up in my head, a narrative of the flashback as though I was mentally writing a novel. Emotionless flashbacks are easier to deal with, but these kind happen in such a way that I can't actually get down what's being mentally written. So I forget the majority of it, usually only one fact of what was being said remaining.

Getting out, emotion came back instantly, but all there was was panic. I wouldn't even call it fear, exactly, it was more like just, adversion and flight. Especially trying to dry off. We fled the bathroom and started having a panic attack, getting dressed and flinging the towels away from us like they had personally wronged us. I remember pacing in the room, shaking, and then I was sitting on the floor with the blanket from the top bunk next to me. Apparently we were clean enough to have it now.

The floor felt... safer, somehow, than the bed. Or at least it felt more right. I wrapped the blanket over one shoulder and tried to get my heart to stop pulsing in my vision, texted a couple of friends and began a post here. But a sudden command of Go To Sleep hit me. Moderate at first, enough so that I commented on it to the friend I was texting, and then suddenly stronger - I found myself laying on the ground, half wrapped in the blanket, my phone buzzing periodically with notifications of responses from my friends. I glanced at them but suddenly didn't want to answer. I wanted to sleep, as much as I didn't want to sleep.

What I remember from this Go To Sleep thing is a LOT of talking. Like, I recall hundreds of snippets of sentences playing over top of each other, with different voices, inflections, emotions, ect. I remember a lot of emotions - crying, screaming, yelling, shrieking, laughing - and a lot of voices. Sentences cut off and trailed into each other and blended together and overtop one another and just. It was a lot, and I was following it, somehow? But also not at all. I never fully went to sleep this time either, again, but time passed oddly and quickly.

When I woke up, my eyes snapped open and everything went silent. I was exhausted and tempted to just go back to sleep, but I wanted to see how my sister in law was and stuff, so I gently coaxed everyone into sitting up, and it was easier after that. And after a couple minutes of grogginess, it was like all of the panic and flashback stuff and emotions had never even happened. Like a hard reset had been done and I was suddenly okay.

I'm still feeling okay too. Things are quiet. I vaguely want to sleep, but it is bedtime, so I'm guessing that's unrelated.

But just... it was an all day experience to just try and bathe. And how soon do I have to do this again? It won't be like this every time, some things were just worse this time, but still. The triggers are still there, no matter how much I confront them. I don't think they're going to stop until I figure out why they're triggers in the first place and address that.

[eudaimonic-writes]

Whisper Your Love - Chapter 5

Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14005500/chapters/32703936

Chapter 4

Masterpost

Despite what many may think, fitting in didn't come easy to Eddie Kaspbrak. As a kid he was better at dance and gymnastics than he was at football and basketball, and that made him the target of many bullies and rumours. Even before he knew what the word meant, he was being called a 'homo' in the halls and had other boys running away from him as if he had something they could 'catch'. This, of course, wasn't helped at home with his mother's constant worrying and over-protectiveness; not a day went by where she wasn't shoving pills down his throat and making up some new disease that Eddie must have because he sneezed twice in a row. 

The day Eddie realised the medications she had him on were all fake was both the best and worst day of his life, so to say; the worst because he realised that his whole childhood was wasted on sugar pills and missed field trips, birthday parties he couldn't attend because he was 'too sick' and clothes he never got to wear because they'd flare up his imaginary eczema. He remembered crying for hours on Chris' shoulder that day, ranting about all of the ways his mother had ruined his life, and then once he'd finally calmed down enough to take a breath, Chris had said something that completely changed his perspective. 

"But at least now your future can be your own."

And oh, was it going to be alright.

As soon as Eddie entered freshman year, he was signing up to every extra-curricular activity he could squeeze into his timetable. Track, Chess, Birdwatching, World History, and Cheerleading. 

He'd dropped out of track pretty quick, his short legs not much help in that department - not to mention the phantom asthma he was (at the time) still trying to get over - and, after a couple short months, Birdwatching had slowly gotten so mind-numbingly boring that not even Stan's presence could help it. Chess was a dud too, because he didn't like how the people in the club looked at him like he was an idiot just because he hadn't been playing since he was five - or something. The other two, though, the other two had been a success. 

Firstly, World History is where Eddie Kaspbrak met Ben Hanscom, and he may have not stayed in that club for very long either, but their friendship easily transcended the realms of after-school meetings in the library with the other history dorks into lunches, group projects, movie trips, and eventually a full-blown friendship. It helped that Ben got on so well with his other friends, and with Ben being the new kid, it was easy to fit him into their group. 

Secondly, Cheerleading. 

Eddie didn't think he'd be good at it; all of the boy's he'd seen on the squad were tall and muscular enough to hold up all of the girls, they were at the bottom of the pyramid, all tense muscles and lean backs and Eddie? Eddie wasn't. Eddie was small, muscled but not overly so, and even shorter than most of the girls on the squad who all somehow resembled supermodels. Eddie was better suited for the fancy tricks than the heavy lifting and, luckily for him, the captain at the time had seen Eddie's try-out performance and known. She'd smiled at him when she posted the team list a week later and that had been that - Eddie learned that he didn't need to be like the other boys, because boys can be on top of the pyramid too. 

His popularity had skyrocketed after that, and even more-so a year later when Chris made the football team, and they became Derry High's 'It' Couple. 

He made new friends- the Gretas who act like they're sisters with their rivalries but hard-core protectiveness of each other. Darla, a sweet girl with wild natural curls that she braids during game season, twisting ribbons that match her uniform and beads for good luck into the strands before tying it all back with a gigantic scrunchie. There's Audra, their captain, who dyes her naturally red hair black and denies it, even though they've all known each other since kindergarten and everyone knows. He met Mike through Chris, who he knows used to be home schooled before transferring in middle-school. 

You could say he's pretty lucky, to be where he is, all things considered - but luck has nothing to do with it. Eddie did it on his own, despite his mother's constant wailing and his own self-conscious setbacks, he did it all anyway.

And he's damn proud. 

Well, sort of.

"Your boyfriend bet me I couldn't convince you to come to the rager on Saturday." Eddie slams his locker shut, fixing Stan with as much of a glare he can muster when he really just wants to roll his eyes. 

"And you took that bet? Come on Stan, you know I hate parties and besides my-"

"Your mom won't like you staying out late, yes, but listen-" Eddie groans and begins walking, holding his Algebra book to his chest like a shield against whatever diatribe Stan is about to throw at him to convince him to go to the stupid party everyone has been talking about for the past week or so. "- you can say you're studying at mine and that you're staying over because you don't want to walk home late in the dark."

Eddie grunts noncommittally, and Stan sighs. "C'mon, Eddie, I really can't afford to give your boyfriend twenty bucks and if I can't convince you then-"

"Twenty bucks?" Eddie halts, pressing his arm into Stan's chest to stop him from walking too. He raises his eyebrow sceptically, taking in Stan's apprehensive face, and shakes his head. "Okay, no, what else?"

Stan goes red, "um, what do you mean?"

"Um..." Eddie mocks, "Stanley. Stan. I know you better than anybody else and I know for a fact that you don't care about parties, and that you definitely do not care about a dumb bet you made with my boyfriend."

"I do care." Stan mumbles, but Eddie waves him away. 

"So what else is it?" He asks. "Why is it oh so important to you that I attend this party-?"

"Rager."

"-and why are you trying to hide it."

Stan crosses his arms, and Eddie smirks, leaning back against whoever's locker they've stopped by and making a come-on gesture with his free hand. Eddie knows what the answer's going to be already, Stan is an open book by design, abhorrent of secrets of any kind - no matter how bad they may be - and there's only one topic that can make Stan break that rule of his because, if there's one thing Stan hates more than lies, it's crushes. Eddie just likes to torture him. Their staring match continues for a few moments before Stan relents with a deliberately bored sounding sigh. 

"I overheard Bev Marsh talking to Bill-" Eddie smirks, Stan ignores him, finishing his sentence in a breathless rush like it physically pains him to admit it. "And that new kid about it and they both said they'd be there."

"Aw." Eddie croons. "Stanley you're blushing!"

"Shut up." Stan grumbles. Eddie cackles delightedly. 

"You know, I think I will go. If only to watch you stare at Denbrough from the farthest corner away from him for the entire night."

"You know, I actually don't want you to come anymore." Stan deadpans, scowling lightly. 

"Too late." Eddie singsongs. The warning bell interrupts anything Stan might have said, and Eddie takes it as an opportunity to make his escape before Stan can eviscerate him with his glares. 

  *

 The Rager, predictably, is exactly the opposite of anywhere Eddie would choose to be on a Friday night. He'd much rather be at home, coming up with routines while listening to his own - good, if he does say so himself - music, and not standing in a freezing cold clearing, wishing he'd worn a heavier jacket, and listening to a drunken Chris ramble on about some football move he's trying to perfect. Chris is well on his way to drunk, and Eddie lost Stan some time ago to the crowd, the little shit. 

Ben had disappeared too, mumbling something about finding a bathroom (as if there even were any this far out at the Quarry), but Eddie had just rolled his eyes at the obvious lie and let him go. 

Chris seems to have realised that Eddie isn't really listening, because he presses his thumb into the crook of Eddie's elbow to get his attention before nodding down to the empty cup Eddie had been holding since he finished his first drink when he first got there. "Do you want another one?" He asks, already veering off towards the drinks table. 

Eddie's eyes widen, grabbing Chris by the back of his letterman jacket - that definitely needs to be washed since Eddie doubts he's let his mom touch it since he first put it on two weeks ago - and pulling him back and away from the overflowing 'bar'. "Nope." Eddie says, "No more, you're trashed, and I'm not dragging your ass home again. How about we go dance?"

Chris pouts, but Eddie pouts better, and he's soon getting his way, pulling Chris to the dance floor by the hand smugly. They're dancing to a song Eddie doesn't recognise when he spots Stan shuffling his way through the crowd. Their eyes meet and Eddie smirks as he trails his gaze pointedly to the corner he'd seen Denbrough standing in about a half-hour ago. Sure enough, the quiet boy is still there, staring down at his phone with a quizzical little tilt to his brow as the lanky looking boy next to him chugs at his cup. Stan's gaze follows his own and, when Eddie looks back, he's got an expression on his face that Eddie considers Stan's form of blushing - something between stony, scared, and like he just ate something exceptionally sour. 

Eddie laughs to himself, just as Chris decides to pull him even closer. "What are you laughing at?" He asks, and Eddie chuckles as he stands on his tippy-toes to peer over Chris shoulder. Stan is looking anywhere except at him - his gaze mostly flicking from Bill's dark corner to the bonfire a few feet away where the stoners are sitting. 

"Oh, nothing." Eddie sighs, "Just Stanley's insane crush on Denbrough..."

"He's still into that guy? Isn't he a little emo for Stan's tastes?"

Eddie rolls his eyes, "Bill's nice, Chris, just quiet."

Chris hums. "Yeah, I guess. I'm going for another drink." This time, Eddie doesn't bother trying to stop him, knowing it'll just end in an argument. Instead, he ambles over to Stan who scowls at him harder and harder with every step he takes until Eddie is right next to him and Stan is outright glaring.

"Don't. Say. Anything." Stan greets him with, and Eddie chuckles, raising his hands in surrender. 

"Wasn't going to, just wondering how the bird watching is going?"

Eddie really is lucky Stan is a pacifist, or he's pretty sure he would've been toast by now. Eddie laughs at the half-pained, half-amused expression on Stan's face before glancing over to the drinks table where he'd left Chris. "Jesus... can't even go two fucking minutes." He mumbles. Stan's eyes follow his before he's raising his eyebrows.

"He's really drunk, huh?" 

Eddie nods. "I should go and get him home before he punches that guy in the face."

 *

 Eddie has never been so cold in his life. The cold in his bones and soaking into his skin takes up the larger part of his thoughts until there's no room for any anger, fear or even hurt. He just feels cold. 

He's vaguely aware of someone talking to him, sitting him down on the shore of the Quarry as warm hands grip onto his shoulders, but all he can do is stare and shake. He feels himself shaking, feels his teeth chattering, but his eyes continue to linger, unblinking, on the guy before him. 

He's gorgeous.

Even in the darkness, with his hair plastered to his face from the freezing water, Eddie can still see how beautiful this boy in front of him is. He feels a weight land on his shoulders, and another voice joins the first but Eddie can't look away from the guy in front of him. This gorgeous being that saved his life - or is this the afterlife? And this man is the angel sent to greet him at the gates. 

"-alright? Eddie?"

Eddie wants to nod but he can't, he's too cold, his body feels like it's frozen in place. All he can do is think.

I can hear you. I'm so cold. Thank you, thank you. Please don't leave me in the cold.

 *

 Eddie learns the boy's name is Richie Tozier. Richie wears crazy print sweaters under leather jackets and jeans that are ripped all to fuck. He wears muddy converse and has the dorkiest Ralphie Parker glasses when he forgets to wear his contacts. His hair, when it's not plastered to his face with freezing cold quarry water or tied up into a bun is long and curly and Eddie wants more than anything to run his hands through it, see if it feels as soft as it looks. 

Eddie wants to do a lot of things. 

But, mainly, Eddie wants to know who Richie Tozier is.

He knows he's from California, he knows he sits with Bev Marsh and Bill Denbrough at lunch and he knows the guy shares several classes with him, including study hall. He wants to know what kind of ice-cream Richie likes, what music he listens to when nobody is around, if he prefers beer or wine and whether or not his socks match (he's willing to bet they don't). He wants to know what he smells like when the overpowering smell of Quarry-water isn't clogging his nose, and he wants to hear his voice when his teeth aren't chattering and his ears aren't ringing. 

For the first time since Eddie found Cheerleading, Eddie feels like he's found something worth-while again. 

He just needs to be sure.

They're talking in the Butterfly Garden, sitting under the waterfall on Eddie's favourite carved bench about their likes and dislikes. Eddie feels a little sad when Richie brushes off saving his life like he doesn't deserve the recognition, like it was nothing, because it wasn't nothing- not to Eddie - and while it may have been something 'anyone would have done', it was something Richie did. And that's important. 

So they talk, and as they talk Eddie finds himself staring once again at Richie's face - the way his wide mouth curves around every word like each one deserves their own smile, the way he laughs easily when anything is even the remotest bit funny, and the way he watches Eddie right back. He does all of this, and all Eddie can think about are the butterflies and that stupid quote from that one movie - that when a butterfly flaps its wings in New Mexico, it has the power to cause a hurricane in China. Eddie figures Richie is sort of like that - he's Eddie's butterfly. 

Eddie has always been careful, always been pressed by his mother and the town to present the perfect image, always felt like it was his job to change the way people like him are viewed - or were viewed, before Adrian happened - in a town like Derry. He's always been sure to follow the rules, pander to the expectations of everyone around him so they have no reason to hate, to go back to the way things were. With Richie, he feels that weight lifting. 

He feels like Richie might be something special, like, because they've met, something somewhere in the world is shifting to accommodate the force of what's to come of it.  

Because Richie flapped his wings, and now there's a hurricane tearing through Eddie's carefully constructed world. 

 *

 When Richie leaves the day after Eddie first slept in his bed, his mother immediately begins a tirade of abuse against him - that he's made Eddie sick, that he's not the right sort (as if Eddie himself would be considered the right sort if he didn't put every ounce of his being into pretending to be something he's not). Eddie only half listens to her shouting, ignoring the way her nails dig into the tender flesh of his shoulder, right where the collar of Richie's shirt has fallen down to expose his collarbones. She starts crying when he doesn't respond to her taunts, and this is where Eddie's insides really start to twist. 

Thirteen year old Eddie would've done anything his mother asked to stop the fat tears from rolling down her face, collecting in the lines around her mouth and her double chins. He would've fallen all over himself to make her happy but eighteen year old Eddie doesn't particularly care about that, he just wants her to stop. 

It's not that he wants his mom to be sad, quite the opposite, he's just learned over the years that making Sonia Kaspbrak happy equates to making himself miserable. 

"Mom..." He tries soothing her, listening to the sound of Richie's car driving away. A part of him wishes Richie would've stayed, another wishes he'd taken him with him, and the last part of him wishes he'd never come in the first place and seen what Eddie's life is really like. Sonia turns away from him, her wails getting louder and louder as she brings her chubby hands up to cover her eyes. Eddie breathes for a second, tamping down the urge to just scream back at her and see how she likes it. She'd probably have him sectioned if he did that. "Mom please stop crying, I'm not sick, I'm perfectly fine."

Sonia's sobs cut off suddenly and she whirls around, Eddie stumbling a little with the force of her suddenly angry gaze. Oh, here we go. "This is that boy's fault isn't it?!" She growls. "He's the one turning you into this... this delinquent!"

Eddie rolls his eyes. "Okay, first, he's called Richie, and second, he's literally only been here like two months so he couldn't have possi-"

"Oh!" She cries, pressing the back of her hand to her forehead, raising her eyes to the heavens. Eddie grimaces, the sour taste in his mouth that had been there since she started ranting at dinner making it hard to swallow. "What has he done to you?! My baby, lying, staying out all night, disobeying your mother!"

"Mom, really, I-"

"He's corrupted you! What else has he done, Eddie? Has he touched you?! Have you let him touch you?!" Sonia hisses, and Eddie feels every argument die. He feels sick all of a sudden - he can handle it when his mother is spewing bullshit, when she's ranting out of her ass and Eddie can ignore her. When she's right, though? When she's right, or even just close to being right, it's hard to block out that little voice from his childhood that tells him he should listen to her, do what mommy says and be a good boy. When she's right, he feels himself wilting. 

He begins to sweat, and Sonia Kaspbrak notices. Eddie doesn't see the slap coming, the sound of her hand hitting his cheek ringing in his ears as he begins to cry silently. Sonia's hand flies to her mouth, and for a moment Eddie think's the distraught in her eyes is because of what she's done, but then she's grabbing at him, and opening her mouth and Eddie feels himself sinking. His mother just hit him. 

"What has he done? How far have you let him corrupt you?" She demands, shaking him. "Are you still pure, Eddie?"

Eddie chokes on his words, still too numb from being hit to really feel the embarrassment of what she's asking him. "Y-yes!" He stutters. "Mamma, please!"

Sonia releases him, sighing in relief as she brings her palms together in front of her lips. Eddie crosses his arms in front of his chest protectively, his tears cool on his stinging cheek. When Sonia looks at him again, she looks calmer, less likely to snap, but Eddie can tell she's still worked up. Her hair is wild, a single curler clinging to a lock at the back of her head and her eyes are bright and red-rimmed. Eddie feels like he probably looks no better at this point. 

"I never want to see him again, Edward, do you hear me?" She seethes. "Christopher is a good boy, a Godly boy, and I will not have a son of mine gallivanting off being a... a faggot and a slut!" Eddie flinches at that, and suddenly he's fifteen again, standing in a rainy graveyard and listening to his mother gossiping quietly with one of her church friends. 

He deserved it if you ask me... a faggot and a slut... this is God's punishment. 

"Don't say that, mamma." He whispers, hating how small his voice sounds. He can feel tears blocking his throat at the harsh memories, can feel panic forming in his chest. "Please don't say that."

Sonia coos at him, wrapping her arms around him and crushing him to her chest. She's shorter than him, but Eddie feels about two feet tall in the wake of her venomous words. "Sweetie, I'm just saying what everyone else would say! You don't want to end up like that other boy, do you Eddie-bear?"

Adrian. His name was Adrian. 

Why can't anyone else seem to remember that?

"I just want what's best for you... and that ruffian is the wrong sort for my little Eddie-bear." She pulls him tighter, and Eddie can't find the words to object. "Just look what he's made you do! He's turned you into an adulterer." Eddie feels himself sob, but he can barely hear himself over his mother's words ringing in his head. He wants to disagree, tell her she's wrong - but she isn't. He is a cheater, and a liar, and it's wrong. "Hush, baby, it isn't your fault. God sends us temptations every day, and now you know to avoid him."

Eddie's tears continue to fall as his mother begins to pray.  

 *

 When Eddie finally makes it upstairs, he immediately goes to the bathroom to throw up. The sounds of his mother's prayers ringing in his head to the backdrop of Richie's smiling face. 

He feels dizzy thinking about it, like the hurricane has finally reached him and is wreaking havoc in his mind - his vision swirling as he flies out of control. He's losing control, his world is in shambles. 

And he's going to do absolutely nothing to stop it.

It's too late, mother, it's already done.

 *

 Stan is probably Eddie's best friend. He's not his oldest friend - not like Chris is - and he'd never tell Chris that he isn't his best, but Eddie truly feels like Stan understands him better than anyone else in the world.

Stan understands what it's like to have to mould yourself into this idea of 'Derry perfectness' in order to fit in; as one of the only Jewish families in Derry, and the only Jewish kid in their school, Stan has always striven for the same image that Eddie has; clean, nice, and penitent. Chris, on the other hand, is the son of the most respected man in Derry - the priest - and, because of this, his sins are forgiven with little fanfare. It's not fair and, over the last few years, Eddie has built up more than enough resentment over it. Resentment over how easy it is for Chris to just be while people like Eddie and Stan have to walk on eggshells. 

That's why Eddie prefers Stan, because Chris never got it when Eddie mentioned it - never even tried to - but Stan and he didn't even need to talk to communicate with one another. Stan gets it all on his own. 

Some would argue it's a little strange, the son of the Rabbi and the son of the Priest in the same social circle - and they'd be right. Stan and Chris definitely would not be friends if it wasn't for Eddie. Stan hates Chris more than he hates liars because something Stan hates more than liars and crushes combined are hypocrites. 

And it's all a little hypocritical, the way Derry treats and alienates the people who don't fit the mould. The subtle way they marginalise people, with smiles and false pity. Chris doesn't fit the mould, being anything but straight is not part of Derry's mould - unless, of course, you're not visibly queer. Chris can press himself into the mould because, for all intents and purposes, he's a straight man in Derry resident's eyes. It's like their eyes just glaze straight over Eddie when they pass the couple in the street.

Chris is big, muscled, his cuticles are overgrown and he's not afraid to break a bone. He doesn't wear enough layers in the winter, and he spreads his legs wide when he sits down on the bus. He's a man, no doubt about it. Derry can see it and it's like they see Eddie's feminine physique, short stature, and soft small hands clasped in Chris' and think hey, close enough. They gladly overlook the only gay part about Chris if it means they get to keep their fancy ideas of the perfect Priest's son. It was the same with Don.

And Chris is perfectly fine with letting them think that. 

But then their eyes do find Eddie and they see a boy who looks like a girl, wears girls' colours and uses girls' shampoo, and they see wrong. They aren't willing to overlook the fact that it was Eddie who fixed Chris' car when it broke down last summer, and it's Eddie who got a score of 100 on his theology essay in ninth grade because he knows the bible inside and out. They aren't willing to overlook Stan's manliness, or his good morals. 

The simple fact of the matter is, Eddie isn't the right sort of gay, and Stan isn't the right sort of religious man.

So it's not really a surprise when Stan is the first to notice Eddie acting out. He sees the mould for what it is, so he sees it also when Eddie's shape shifts further away from it, rather than trying to squeeze in, like he used to do. He sees it, and he doesn't like it. 

He first brought it up on Thursday, the day Eddie went to the bar to watch Richie sing - and not because Chris asked him to go like he pretended. He'd glared at Eddie until Eddie had told him the truth, and Eddie felt it when Stan called him a hypocrite. Eddie had realised in that moment that, in trying to break away from the restrictive role he'd been playing, he'd unintentionally become everything his best friend hated most in the world. He'd given in to his crush, he'd lied to do it, and he'd become a hypocrite. 

He felt it in the look Stan gave him when Richie came through the door to the bathrooms, he'd felt it when he'd gone back over to Richie's house that night - lying again - to beg for Richie's forgiveness. He'd felt it at school on Monday, and again later that night when he'd gone home once more with Richie.

He'd rested his head on Richie's chest as the other boy had slept, his body shifting underneath Eddie's with every deep breath. His hand resting heavily on Eddie's lower back where he'd been rubbing circles until the pull of slumber had dragged him in, and Eddie felt it when he turned his head, pressed a kiss to Richie's bare chest, and closed his eyes, following him down. 

He felt it the next day too, after school, lying on Chris' bed with papers strewn around him. They'd been doing homework for a few hours now, and Eddie had had to scribble out the word a few times as his brain had wondered while his pen kept writing. Hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite.

He sighs and puts his pen down, picking up his phone instead. Chris shuffles at the desk, half-turned away from Eddie, and Eddie reasons he's far enough away that he couldn't read his phone even if he tried. 

He pulls up his messages with Stan, greeted by a slew of blue text bubbles from Saturday through Monday left opened but unanswered. 

 To: Stanley<3

are you still mad at me?

 He doesn't expect an answer, so he places his phone down back on the bed and picks up his pen once more, crossing out whatever he'd written last and re-writing it. A few moments later, he's surprised by the little ding that signals an incoming text. Over on the desk, Chris jumps, his eyes flicking to Eddie before migrating back down to whatever he's working on. 

"Who's texting you?"

Eddie checks his phone and, sure enough, "Stanley."

"Oh." Chris hums. 

 From: Stanley<3

Yes.

 Eddie frowns, a little downtrodden, but before he can begin begging for Stan's forgiveness, he receives another text. 

 From: Stanley<3

But I understand. 

 Eddie feels a little thrill go through him, quickly typing out a response. 

 To: Stanley<3

you do???

 From: Stanley<3

I guess. Do you like him?

 To: Stanley<3

yea

 There's a pause, and Eddie bites his lip. He's underselling it a little bit, he really likes Richie, but he knows Stan wouldn't appreciate a monologue so he keeps it to himself. He can hear Chris shifting over by the desk, papers rustling. His phone pings again. 

 From: Stanley<3

Okay, then you need to break it off with Chris. 

 Eddie frowns, resisting the urge to groan. 

 To: Stanley<3

i knowwww

 From Stanley<3

I mean it, Eddie. Chris is an ass but he

doesn't deserve this any more than you did. 

 Eddie bites his lip, trying to figure out how to word a response to that that doesn't sound whiny or like it's filled with excuses - Stan hates excuses - but before he can, Chris lets out a loud yawn from over by the desk and slams his book closed, swivelling in his chair to face Eddie. "Babe, I'm so bored, let's take a break."

Eddie locks his phone, picking up his pen and scribbling a few more nonsensical words onto his page, trying to look busy. "If we take a break now, you know you won't finish later."

Chris groans again, pulling himself off his chair and falling face first onto the bed next to Eddie. He lands on a book Eddie wasn't really using, but he feels annoyed anyway as Chris carelessly pulls it out from under him and flings it onto the floor. "Oh, c'mon, it's not like you're really working, you've been texting with Stan for the past ten minutes." He smirks, shuffling over and wrapping an arm around Eddie's waist, pulling him in. "I know something better we could both be doing."

Not this again. Eddie feels sick all of a sudden but hides it with a strained laugh as he removes Chris' arm from his waist. "No, Chris."

Chris pouts, Eddie hears his phone go off again but doesn't even try to check it. Chris raises his eyebrows, taking this almost as an invitation, and suddenly Eddie feels a hand tracing up the back of his thigh. Eddie shivers as the hand reaches his ass, and Chris grins in triumph before bringing their mouths together in a heated kiss. He places his other hand on Eddie's hip, rolling him over before moving to straddle one of Eddie's legs, his knee firmly pressed up against Eddie's groin.

The sick feeling doesn't go away as Eddie allows Chris to kiss him, and it gets stronger when Eddie realises that he doesn't feel this way when he's kissing Richie. He feels a little dizzy at the realisation, so dizzy that he doesn't notice when Chris starts grinding softly against his leg, his half-hard erection pressing insistently into Eddie's hip and his kiss becoming sloppier as he moans into it. Eddie barely feels it, too lost in his own head and the realisation that it no longer feels like he's cheating on Chris. 

It feels like he's cheating on Richie. 

Eddie snaps out of his thoughts when one of Chris hands shifts Eddie's legs until he's between them, and then Eddie feels something similar to what he felt when he fell into the Quarry. Cold, confused, and most importantly, like Richie is all he can see. 

"Stop." He mumbles, turning his head away from Chris. Chris just begins kissing bruises down his neck so Eddie repeats himself, a little louder, his words punctuated by a small shove. Chris gets the message, pulling back with a groan that's more of a frustrated sigh and falling down into the bed beside Eddie. 

"Eddie, come on, we've been dating for years, when are we gonna do it, huh?"

Eddie huffs, sitting up onto his knees so no part of his body is touching his boyfriend's. Chris looks perplexed at this, clearly frustrated with Eddie's behaviour. Yeah? Well me too buddy. "Is that all you want? Sex?"

Chris' mouth falls open in clear offense, his eyebrows furrowed. "Obviously fucking not or I wouldn't still be here would I?"

"You're only here because I fucking let you stay." Eddie counters. He feels a surge of hurt at his own words, the harsh reminder of that time. 

Chris, however, apparently feels no remorse. "Oh, not this shit again - it's ancient history Eddie!" Eddie growls, throwing himself off the bed and collecting his things, shoving them into his backpack. Chris huffs. "Babe." Eddie ignores him, casting about to find his shoes and trying hard not to let any frustrated tears slip down his cheeks. He hears movement behind him and figures Chris must've stood up too. "Babe, come on!"

"No!" Eddie whirls around, shoving Chris hard in the chest. He barely moves and Eddie just feels all the more angry for it. "Do not tell me to get over this, Chris."

"It's been three years! Everyone else is over it - it's just you, holding this over my head for no fucking reason."

"'No fucking reason'?" Eddie seethes. Shoving the one converse he's found onto his foot without bothering to do up the laces, he huffs out a single bitter laugh. "You cheated on me, Chris!"

The truth is, Eddie is over that part. He doesn't particularly care anymore because, over time, he began to care less and less about Chris and with that, his ability to care about the rest of their issues disappeared. He's not sad, he didn't lie to Richie. He doesn't want a rebound or revenge, he's just so angry because Adrian was his friend. Adrian was the one who told him it was okay to feel the way he felt, he was the one who held him while he cried after telling his mother he was gay. He was the one who told him that being gay doesn't make you a sinner or a bad person. 

He was the first person to know when Chris and Eddie went on their first date, and second, and third, and when Chris kissed him for the first time. The only person up until a year ago, when Eddie found out that Adrian had gone straight from holding Eddie - as he cried over his mother's harsh words - to his boyfriend's house, where he'd found his boyfriend's little brother, his friend's boyfriend, alone, and betrayed them all. 

And Eddie didn't even have time to hate Adrian for it - because he never found out until two years after Adrian died. He never figured out how he was supposed to feel. He was caught somewhere between grief, anger, and fear. He loved Adrian because that's all he'd ever known. He hated Chris but stayed with him, because Chris was once his best friend, and he naively believed that he could get over the betrayal the same way he got over it for Adrian.

He did get over it, the hate, but he also got over the love, the trust, everything except the betrayal because what he failed, or refused, to understand is that he never got over it for Adrian, he just pushed it aside because hating him made him feel guilty; so, instead of hating everyone else, he hated himself for still loving everyone who has ever betrayed him. 

Chris tries one last time to pacify Eddie, grabbing onto Eddie's hip as Eddie nearly stumbles trying to put on his second shoe. Eddie pulls away from the touch like he'd been burned. "Eddie, relax, he's dead now anyway."

Eddie freezes, the nausea in the pit of his stomach returning tenfold, replacing all of his anger from the past few minutes. Relax. How could he? He's dead now anyway. Eddie looks at Chris and he sees a stranger, he doesn't see the boy who sobbed into his hands as he confessed, spurred on by a family meal gone wrong just before his brother left Derry for the last time. He doesn't see the boy who had held Eddie whenever Eddie had cried, speaking words of comfort and wisdom. He sees a man, standing in his once best-friend's now boyfriend's clothes, saying things that send chills down Eddie's spine. 

He sees someone who is careless with his words, who will hurt you and then say he didn't mean it. Eddie knows it’s true, Chris never means it, but he does it anyway.

It's cruel, the way people speak about Adrian now. As if all he is is the dead homosexual of Derry, Maine. He was more than that; he was kind and he was funny, he was also cruel, and deceitful. Death was no light subject, especially not Adrian's death, and especially not to Eddie, and Chris had just completely disregarded that. Trampled all over Adrian's impact like it was nothing - like Adrian dying didn't change literally everything about Derry. Like his actions with Adrian before his death didn't change literally everything about their relationship.

What's worse is that it feels not only like he's disregarding Adrian, but he's disregarding the broken trust Eddie still harbours between them. Like Eddie's trust means nothing to him, because Eddie is just a secondary role in the hierarchy of this sham they call a relationship.  

It leaves Eddie feeling weak.

"You're right." Eddie mutters, his hands clinging to the straps of his backpack, fingertips turning white from how hard his fists are clenching around the fabric. "He's dead. You fucked him, and then he died - maybe I don't wanna follow in his footsteps."

 *

 While Eddie is walking home, his untied laces dragging along the rainy sidewalk, he checks his phone and see's one last text from Stan. 

 From: Stanley<3

You don't need him anymore.

Chapter 6 coming soon

Masterpost