#on the forefront. I want to see her grow!! Change!! Become her true self!!!

[silvermeww]

(putting up the tags here for reference)

I love your ideas so much!!!! I never really thought about the Kalos Queen as being a political figure, but I can definitely see where you’re coming from (and I totally understand, they don’t give a lot of context to the thing in canon anyways). I actually wanted this thing where they could get sponsors and so on if they do good enough and have a really strong following or lead, so that can definitely tie in with influence of the political climate (kind of like how the Champion is treated in Galar). Like a really famous idol that represents the region of sorts. The outdoors portion of it is inspired by that one in I think Dendemille Town in XYZ (sometimes the locations gets mixed up lol) and the way it looked so beautiful… even the nighttime Freestyle was amazing to me! Just wished it wasn’t PokéPuffs for the millionth time for the Theme. But yeah!! Showcases exist to literally showcase the bond between person and Pokémon, while showing off their beauty, grace, and quick thinking skills, connecting with the audience and Kalos overall… or at least that’s what I got lol. Omg that would be so cool, having some Performers acting as bards telling an ancient story or even some group performances (a Kalos Queen has to be good at teamwork and have connections, right?). OH WAIT THAT ACTUALLY GIVES ME AN IDEA WOOOO TYSM!!! :3c

(Also I have a whole thing for the Master Class, because it should’ve been so much more grander to me— For one I really wanted multiple levels in the building so that each round literally goes up a level (Performers that pass go up an elevator with their activated key), with the audience having their section move up with each round being done (still workshopping with the idea heh). Also a friend told me something about how there could’ve been battles there with three people on stage where you can clash with moves and that sounded so cool to me heh.)

Yah, Serena deserves the world fr!!! She’s so caring, kind, friendly, open, has her snarky moments, works so well with Pokémon, and her storyline and plot is so so important to me (especially since I can see myself in her). There really was a treasure trove of potential with her in pokeani as a person who has so many pathways ahead of her but no idea what to stick with, along with a mother who expects her to follow the tried-and-true path and her own insecurities keeping her from committing to anything that she enjoys. I mean, even her Pokémon have that potential tbh (and everyone else’s too ngl) and just knowing the way she could’ve interacted with everyone around her if she had the time and space to really drives me with this AU forward heh. I’m honestly having a blast writing her rn, it’s going to be a fun ride going through the series while giving her the strength, courage and opportunities (screen time pls) that she needs to really grow into her true self!!! Thank you so much for your faith in me, I’ll try my best to do our girl justice!!!! :P

for your Kalosian Woods AU, I have two questions! (1) what’s the direction you’re gonna take Amourshipping/Ash and Serena’s dynamic in? Their friendship along with the romantic subtext felt like it had a lot of potential in XYZ-proper but never really got utilized. And (2) how’re you gonna tackle Showcases? I’ve been meaning to work on a Showcase restructure but I’d love to hear your ideas :D

Hey there!!!!! For the first question, I 100% acknowledge the force of Serena’s crush on Ash in the XY series— even if I did tweak it so that she would fall after meeting him for the first time, watching him train for the Gym and having seen him fall off Prism Tower inspiring her to see him through tinted lens (and how it evolved from the admiration she had for him when they were kids so long ago). While XY anime itself had the weird notion of making everyone down for Ash (a terrifying scene after coming out of the professional haters of BW and literally every series before it) (ngl though I am a believer of the polycule + Bonnie idea lol, it exists in my heart), I can’t deny that side of Amourshipping even if I’m not a shipper myself or even much of a good writer for romantic relationships imo. In my AU I want to show how that love for him grows and eddies throughout the series: from their first meeting to taking up her own dream of showcases to seeing Ash lose himself in his endless hunt for strength— how she puts him on a pedestal because he was the first Trainer she knew, the strongest one she knew, and back then how she didn’t know better, relying on him instead of taking the risks herself and working with other people for a change. You’re absolutely right in the potential their relationship have in XYZ especially; with Serena coming to the tail end of her first Showcase season, ending up in the same place as before but with a totally changed perspective, and Ash fixating more than ever on being the best of the best, distancing himself from everyone else… and of course, all of that feelings and realisations coming to a head in Snowbelle, the Crisis, and the aftermaths. And also having both of them face each other at the end of it all and realising how much changed. I’m not really sure if I’m wording any of this right or if what I’ve said even makes sense heh, especially since I’m not too far ahead in this AU, but their friendship and that romantic subtext is definitely going to play a part in this series, and even if the plot details changes like the weather I’m going to do my best in keeping it as true to its potential as it should be (because a girl can be in love and also grow as a person, in spite and despite and even with it— you’ve just got to find the right angle).

(Also I’m going to have fun with that crush, so it might meet some light-hearted banter and miscommunications and all of that stuff. I mean, hey, these are kids on a journey lol. There are going to be awkward moments for everyone at some point, but they’ll grow past it as with everything else. Also fun memories. :P)

For the second question, wow, I’ve been giving it so much thought lol. I’m nowhere near the Showcases right now (although it is closer than what canon gave us in my AU) and yet it’s all I can do to plan for how it works. I have spitballed a few ideas with friends but for me (so far) I honestly want more of it to be outdoors. Showcases as a whole has this pesky problem of being a one-to-one copy of Contests but ‘declawed’ by having no battles, and it really gets me because if we’re discarding battles then we have to actually redefine Showcases as a whole— because the battle portion is the ultimate showing of precision and control with your Pokémon and their moves, which is what Contests are all about. Especially with AG and DP, we see examples of atypical Appeal rounds with Harley going for a more terrifying show of power, while Kenny (as :/ as a character as he was) goes for showings of strength— even though they are not ‘beautiful’ they still get to pass, because it really is about how your bond can perfectly translate to moves that can command the audience and grab their attention, naturally highlighting the Pokémon. With Showcases though, to me, they are more about creativity— about how a Performer can work with their Pokémon to get past certain obstacles which are based off a certain characteristic the Kalos Queen should have (the Theme round or whatever it was called lol) and then the Freestyle showing off what they uniquely bring to the table, their own brand, what they want to be remembered by (in which I thought that they could bring props to that originally but eh, that’s what my AU is for!). Sheesh, I went through such a big rant and I still feel fired up heh, but ig this is to say that since Showcases are about creativity, the outdoors location would be a great way to show how they deal with everything. On a sunny day, would they use Grass or Fire Types? Would they call out a Rain Dance and form a rainbow? Of course they wouldn’t actually have an open venue if it’s raining or snowing, but in different terrains can you see the characters stand out, I feel like. Also giving all sorts of Pokémon room like Flying or Ground. I have a bunch more ideas of course, about it being connected to PokéVision (still mad about how that concept got dumped) and having small events where people can get to know the up and coming Performers, getting hints for the Theme section so we don’t get the most unbalanced group of people and have a real competition (that always bothered me ngl), as well as other tweaks to that whole system. Showcases can be good in their own light, it’s just the rep of it being baby ‘only girls’ Contest (still thinking about the girls bit ngl) along with the stupid popularity bit of it (not that the concept is bad in and of itself, just that it should have a place and not be the be all end all of passing to the next stage) (it’s only good for the Freestyle, can I say that?) that makes it flop. Also because it came in so late and left so early. And the rivals kind of sucked because they weren’t given any time to grow. And the way Serena wasn’t challenged enough through them. So basically, I’ve got A Lot of thoughts about it and it’s going to be a headache to go through because it desperately needs a redesign to be viable in any way. But that’s the fun bit about an AU, isn’t it heh. Tell me about your ideas, I’d love to hear about them and thank you so so much for the ask!!! :D <33

[whentherewerebicycles]

wow okay i am skipping the lingerie party lol and am instead going to just briefly jot down some thoughts before i go to sleep and wake up at 5 for my flight tomorrow morning. jesus christ i have ONE MILLION thoughts and feelings about this weekend. i want to preface this by saying that on the whole, it was a fine social experience! it was nowhere near as awkward or painful as i was expecting. or like, parts of it were painful, but it was 100% to do with my own complicated feelings about literally every part of this tradition and the wedding industry in general lol, and not anything to do with the people themselves. the other women were friendly and very welcoming, i made an event best friend who was wonderful company, and it was really fun to get to spend time with both my sister-in-law and her older sister, who was so charming and wonderful. i’m glad i came even though thinking about the $$ i spent on this trip makes me physically gag.

but okay i want to just record some THOUGHTS that maybe i will continue unpacking with some distance. i feel likeeeee okay here are my thoughts.

the social norms around femininity are just a fucking minefield and i feel like i really just gotta keep walking back the impulse to judge other women for the choices they make as they navigate around the manifold traps and snares and half-buried landmines that constitute the landscape of being a woman. like jesus christ. it’s so fucked up, it’s so fucked up, the received and socially enforced norms of femininity are just so fucked up. I think ALL THE FUCKING TIME of this margaret atwood poem i love so much, which was REALLY on my mind this weekend:

How can I teach her some way of being human that won’t destroy her?

I would like to tell her, Love is enough, I would like to say, Find shelter in another skin.

I would like to say, Dance and be happy. Instead I will say in my crone’s voice, Be ruthless when you have to, tell the truth when you can, when you can see it.

I feel like the first bit was very much on my mind throughout the weekend, but those last three lines have come to the forefront over the course of this last day, as i have tried to do some Thinking about what i observed/experienced/felt this weekend. whether or not this is what it means in the context of the poem, tell the truth when you can, when you can see it, expresses something of my complex feelings: I don’t know that I can tell the truth about femininity because I don’t know that I can see it. i am both too close to it/still emotionally entangled in it and too far from it to know which parts of it are ‘real’ and which parts are just performance.

i feel like one thing that struck me this weekend, in ways that i don’t know if i’ve noticed as much before, was that so much of the things women say to each other or do in these social contexts is performative, and they know on some level it’s a performance, but we are all going through the motions of doing and saying the expected things anyway. that has not always been clear to me. i have spent so much of my own life as a woman thinking that other women perfectly, seamlessly, naturally embodied the norms of femininity, and i was the only one (or part of a group of only ones) who couldn’t remember my lines, or kept fumbling my cues, or felt so painfully, self-consciously aware that i was playing a role that i could never deliver a convincing performance. but this weekend, after the initial social panic had passed, i started trying to get out of my own head a little bit and look for things that disproved the very strong theory i had brought into the weekend. and of course then i started seeing more and more of the little moments where women say one thing and do another, or profess one belief/conviction but then the whole corpus of their lived experiences and choices contradicts that stated belief, or whatever. and also just like, moments of pathos, where someone i had judged harshly at the beginning of the weekend offhandedly revealed something about her past that really changed my perception of her, or at least made me think like, ah god, i have to have empathy for and with this person, because i think she might be a complex person just like me, with an intricate inner life that her performance partially reveals and partially occludes from view, and agh, it sucks to have to think of people as complicated instead of as safely two-dimensional & easy to dismiss, and the reason it sucks is because then it forces you to realize that you share more with this person than you’d like to admit, and that some of your wounds are the same, even if you dealt with those wounds (the wounds of girlhood, or rather the emotional wounds that our culture inflicts upon girls, which then become tangled up in complex and painful ways with the lived experience of girlhood itself) in really different ways.

but also ugh. we are all performing gender norms but there is just something that does not feel playful at all about embodying conventional femininity. i can’t think of a better way to phrase that right now but it’s like.. the performance isn’t fun. it doesn’t seem to be fun. i don’t know that anyone here was having fun doing it, even if they were having fun being with each other. but it was like doing the intensely gendered social rituals was like, the price of admission? like it was the toll we had to pay to be together spending time in the company of other women? i don’t know man but it fucking exhausts me. like i can push myself to stretch my genuine empathy and sense of solidarity with other women much further than my knee-jerk judgmental reaction, but i can’t ever get to a place where i find any of those social rituals anything other than fucking exhausting. they feel so fucking joyless. they feel like things that many women have internalized as ‘things we must do in order to have relationships with other women.’ (please do not even get me started on how exhausting heteronormativity is i think i could write an entire other essay on how women use these bachelorette party-type rituals to spend time with their closest female friends, but the whole event is still implicitly organized around men, and these women’s male partners are still positioned as the priority in their lives, and the whole event is framed as like, a last burst of intense closeness between women before the bride is delivered over to her husband. like i KNOW that this is not how women think of it but all the RHETORIC of the bachelorette party, the little events and rituals and games, the little comments everyone makes all fucking weekend, good fucking lord, my jaw is so TENSE.)

anyway god i just AGHHHH. idk sorry this is definitely not coherent at ALL because i’m tired and still need a bit more distance/time to process some of this. i guess here is one last thing i want to register before i sleep. i am in my 30s now and i am living a life that is so, so far removed from the social world i grew up in. marriage is not a norm among my friend group, almost all of my female friends are queer women, many women i know are not partnered and have no interest in being partnered, and the friends who are in heterosexual relationships tend to be in very gender-balanced relationships or slightly nontraditional relationships where it feels like both partners have engaged in conscious reflection about what they want their relationship to look/feel like. also i now date women, am out as a lesbian, and spend most of my time teaching/working with queer- and trans/nonbinary-identified kids.

so like, the world i live in now is just so different from the world i grew up in. and sometimes it is easy for me to kind of downplay the intensity of my own gender distress as a teen and young adult, or to sort of - act like it was a phase in my life that had much more to do with me than with the social environment i lived in. i don’t mean ‘phase’ in a dismissive ‘those feelings weren’t real’ kind way, but more like, ‘oh that was just part of the normal growing pains of figuring out who you are and what kind of person you want to be as an adult - everybody pretty much goes through some version of that.’ it’s true that everyone DOES go through some version of that, as just like, part of the process of individuation in that age range. but also like. idk man. being back in this environment - straight white women from the midwest and south, all engaging in the rituals of heterosexual white femininity - was just so intense and so MUCH, and it brought back a flood of feelings and visceral memories that i feel like i will need to spend some time sorting through over the next few weeks. like, what i experienced back then really WAS gender distress, and it was so, so distressing. i spent the years from age 11ish to 24ish existing with this constant lowgrade baseline feeling of wanting to claw my own fucking skin off because my own gendered body felt like such a prison, and i sometimes felt like i literally wanted to destroy my own body because i could not yet conceive of an alternative to inhabiting that body or playing the role that had been handed down to me. until i started reading queer memoirs and inhaling lesbian media and (especially) reading about queer femme identities, i literally did not have an image or any kind of felt sense of what another way of inhabiting my own body might look/feel like. i literally could not imagine it!!!

and that is why the distress feels so distressing, and becomes internalized in such violent ways, i think. because it’s the blind, mindless panic of a trapped and wounded animal. except that you lack any real understanding of the larger social forces at work, or any language with which to describe or conceptualize what social norms are or how they’re enforced. so in your mind, the only thing you can see wounding you is your own gendered body, or the way that gendered body is socially 'read’ by others. and that is why you want to claw your own fucking skin off, just literally dig your nails into your own flesh and claw it the fuck off. because you can’t see a norm, but you can see your gendered body, and you can see the ways that it causes other people to react to you, or treat you, or hold you to a certain set of expectations, and so in your mind you are like: this must be destroyed. in your mind you are like, the only way out is to get out of this fucking body, but that’s impossible, surely, you can’t get out of your own body, so you have to settle for starving it and self-harming it and ruthlessly punishing it in a thousand terrible ways, because you might not be able to leave your girl’s body behind, but you can make it suffer and pay for what it’s done to you. 

i am old enough now, and have spent enough time thinking and writing about those feelings, to identify them when they arise again, and to get the necessary distance from them so that i can say, what i want to destroy are the norms themselves, and the distress they cause, and not the body that has done nothing to me but be me. so i am not quite as sucked under as i used to be. but i think that there is something about the violence and intensity of those feelings that i forget sometimes, or misremember with age and distance. it’s easy to be a little bit patronizing to my younger self (or by extension to my younger students sometimes), because i now live in a social world that is largely arranged in ways that minimize rather than intensify or amplify gender distress. but when you have no choice in how to arrange your life, and no language with which to understand what is happening to you or what you are experiencing, and no frame of reference to help you understand that this is a period in your life and not forever, and no models you can look to in order to discover alternative ways of inhabiting your body or arranging your life... my god, that’s quite different from being an adult with a wide range of experiences and with much greater autonomy over your own body and life. anyway idk i need to keep thinking but now i must go to bed and try to sleep five hours before the plane.

[itsclydebitches]

YYH Recaps: Episode 4 “Requirements for Lovers”

Hello, everyone! It's been quite a while, huh? Ah, the endless cycle of wanting to write and yet, astoundingly, not writing. I know it well.

Good ol' writer's block has skedaddled for a time though, so let's make good use of that and dive into Episode Four: "Requirements for Lovers." 

Ohhh, YYH getting spicy with its titles 😏

Actually wait, I shouldn't be making dumb jokes just yet. First I want to acknowledge a slight change to future recaps: YYH, RWBY, and anything else I might try my hand at. Namely, a lack of pictures moving forward. A few weeks ago — months? I honestly can't keep track — tumblr implemented a new limitation where no post can have more than ten images in it. It's a move that, while I'm sure has its justifications, makes sharing analyses of visually-based media all the more difficult. I'll be doing my best moving forward to describe scenes as needed, as well as combining connected images together to stretch out my limit, but I'm not going to pretend that it'll be the same as getting the visual play-by-play we’re used to. 

Tumblr certainly is a website, huh?  

Anyway, we open on Yusuke once again lamenting the difficulty of hatching a spirit beast that doesn't immediately devour him from the head down. On the one hand this is an admittedly easy way to reset the story over the course of this arc — the storytelling equivalent of waking your character up each morning — yet I cannot deny that if I were undergoing a resurrection test, it would consume my every thought too. Can't really blame Yusuke for endlessly bringing the conflict up when the conflict is this deadly.

Well, deadly for a ghost, anyway.

Specifically, he's worried about how embarrassing it would be to get eaten by something that came out of an egg this tiny. I'm torn between reminding a fictional character that things grow — a pissed off chicken could kick my ass and it started out in an egg too — and just shaking my head over the absurdity of worrying about embarrassment when, you know, you would cease to exist. It's not even a matter of, "What if I die and then I'm embarrassed about it in the afterlife :( " Yusuke is already IN the afterlife. He's got nowhere to go but oblivion!

Luckily, Botan takes a more practical approach to these worries, pointing out that he'll be just fine provided he does some good deeds. Yusuke starts a rant about how do-gooders are only ever out for themselves.

Yusuke, you dumb-dumb, you're a do-gooder now. What was all that help for Kuwabara, hmm? As said, these early episodes exist in a semi-reset loop, where Yusuke needs to stew in his main character flaws for a while before any real growth starts to stick. Those flaws being, primarily, "I'm a pessimist" and "also I hate myself."

Case in point, Botan accuses him of always seeing the glass as half empty. Which, while true enough (outside of his confidence in fighting, anyway), by now we've got a pretty good sense of where Yusuke developed this attitude. He affirms this by talking about how Koenma's got him by the balls, "just another idiot abusing his power!" With an alcoholic mother and those teachers from last episode, it's no wonder Yusuke thinks this way. Mr. Takenaka's interest and Keiko's care aren't enough to combat the rest of Yusuke's experience, not when Takenaka is an outlier and Keiko is Yusuke's peer. Her desire to keep him on the right track reads only as an inevitability at best (the downside of having a perfect childhood friend), or a legitimate annoyance at worst. Or, as we'll continue to see in this episode, a way for them to flirt.

Is it any wonder Yusuke would sneer at Koenma's offer then, expecting the worst? The fact that Yusuke is still undergoing the challenge at all, no matter what he says, speaks volumes to me.

However, Botan is less than comfortable with his criticisms. She panics a bit at Yusuke insulting the (junior) ruler of the underworld so blithely. That, and the fact that he's carelessly tossing his egg around.

(Yes we’re using precious picture space for memes are you SURPRISED?) 

Anyway, Botan isn't just concerned for the sake of concern. She cautions Yusuke against speaking too freely because there may be investigators checking in on his progress. No sooner does he ask what those investigators look like than one appears.

Thunder! Lighting! An energy so intense that Yusuke is briefly blinded! It is, as he says, quite the entrance. What kind of being could possibly be at the heart of such an astounding show?

Why, this teeny-tiny cutie, of course.

Remember, few appearances in YYH coincide with the character's true self. Would you ever assume this is the all-powerful investigator who holds Yusuke's future in her hands? Of course not. That's the point.

The investigator introduces herself as Sayaka and immediately demonstrates that she has no more patience for Yusuke's attitude than Botan does. "These damn kids," he mutters and my brain briefly blue screens because Yusuke. You're fourteen.

Plus, Sayaka and Botan clearly have some sort of eternal youth situation going on, so there's that too.

Sayaka is, in a word, fantastic. She pulls no punches with Yusuke, teleporting away from him with what can only be described as a shit-eating smile, all while refusing to tell him what exactly she's investigating. “I’m sorry, but that’s a secret!” However, Keiko is clearly at the forefront of her interest. She refers to her as Yusuke's "girlfriend."

Botan is more than happy to point Keiko out — because of course they're still following her around! — and pulls a Et tu, Brute? on Yususke, leading Sayaka right to her. Like most of the Underworld, Sayaka is rather shocked that the pretty, popular, scholarly girl is supposedly into the delinquent. It's the power of childhood friendship, you fools! Specifically, Sayaka references the "positive markings" that Keiko has accumulated, but the audience already knows by now that such markings are suspect at best. Yusuke himself is proof of that. So if his terrible marks don't preclude him from being a young kid's savior, should we really view Keiko's as proof of superiority?

I mean, Keiko is fantastic, but that's not really the point here.

Starting her own investigation into Yusuke's life, Sayaka begins with one hell of a bombshell: "There's no point in doing [the resurrection] if the people closest to you don't care." WOW. Not only is that a harsh assessment, it's one I don't think I can personally get behind. The offer to restore Yusuke to life is built on the acknowledgment that their system is flawed (even if there's no work to change or dismantle that system): they thought he was worthless, his sacrificial death seems to have proven them wrong, and now they want further evidence, in the form of this trial, that Yusuke is a good person at heart. The whole point of this challenge is to give him a second chance, with testimonies like Mr. Takenaka's emphasizing that Yusuke has always been capable of more, so long as he applies himself. This, as we'll see throughout the series, applies to relationships too. The Yusuke with one friend he play-fights with, a distant mother, and a school worth of kids who are terrified of his very name is not the future Yusuke they expect him to become, so... why base his resurrection on what he's already (not) accomplished? Granted, the show is very unclear about what, if anything, Sayaka will do if she decides that Yusuke doesn't have a life worth going back to (even if I have my own theory discussed at the end), but the fact that this is suddenly a factor at all seems grossly unfair, not entirely unlike Kuwabara's rigged promise. We as the audience know that people love Yusuke. Yusuke himself is beginning to acknowledge that. But if this fourteen year old delinquent truly had no one that wanted him back from the dead... isn't that all the more reason to allow a resurrection and give him the chance to build a life where he would be missed? 

This stupid shonen got me thinking too much istg. 

Yusuke, ever the self-deprecating pessimist, bypasses all of the above thoughts and jumps straight to, "It's clear if [Keiko] had any sense she'd want me gone." I'd find that attitude incredibly sad if I wasn't distracted by how cute Botan and Sayaka are, sitting on the oar together. The spirit girls who fly together, thrive together! 

Botan starts teasing Yusuke about having a crush, which just feeds his temper and Sayaka's confusion. Deciding that she needs to gather more info, they follow along for an average day of school because these earlier episodes are, apparently, ghost-stalk Keiko hours. 

We see her reading aloud in class from Heart of Darkness (not the easiest book for some middle schoolers), scoring a point during volleyball practice, refusing to let one girl cheat off her homework, but happily helping another who runs up with a question. So she's pretty, athletic, and academically successful, the trifecta for any good love interest. Sayaka is impressed not just with her "nearly perfect" scores, but also the maturity that Keiko demonstrates, such as maintaining her morals about cheating while remaining compassionate. 

Actually, I really love the contrast this provides for us, the viewer. Meaning, Keiko is shown to be at her least mature when in Yusuke's presence. Not that her responses aren't justified, but watching her dramatically snatch gum from his mouth, slap him across the face, or pull crazed expressions as she yells at him is a far cry from this calm, poised, soft-spoken Keiko. It's a way to visually show us that she's comfortable in his presence, despite the suspect humor attached. Not that the Keiko we see at school is faking or anything — she is legitimately that kind and articulate — but we see that being with Yusuke allows her to relax in a way she doesn't with others. School!Keiko is, as Sayaka says, pretty much perfect, 24/7. Yusuke's Keiko is a little rougher around the edges, in a way that implies a multifaceted personality shining through. 

However, the only conclusion our trio draws is that, given Keiko's accomplishments, any attraction must be one-sided.

Poor Yusuke lol. 

In a plot move that is so ridiculously contrived, just as Yusuke is grappling with the accusation that Keiko couldn't possibly like him back, a "handsome boy" arrives to ask Keiko out. He says that he couldn't bear it when she stopped reading Heart of Darkness because he's fallen in love with her voice. "Will you be my girlfriend?" 

Please excuse me while I lose my shit over how ridiculous this is. I legitimately straight up cackled when I watched this scene. 

Luckily for Mr. Absurd, Keiko takes him seriously — and lets him down easy. She says she can't be his girlfriend and when he presses the "Why?", asking if she already likes someone else, Keiko confirms that she does. This is done through a shot of her feet. Not a POV shot given the angle, but close enough that it feels like we're stepping into Keiko's shoes (haha), shyly staring down at the floor in embarrassment and regret. 

Rejection complete? The guy screams. 

I mean he screams. 

I mean this nobody we're never gonna see again unhinges his jaw and lets out an unholy shriek the likes of which makes me shriek in utter GLEE. 

It's insane. It's wonderful. I'm going to use one of my coveted image spots to show you his face: 

Look at that and tell me this show isn't amazing. 

Okay, I'm focusing again. As Keiko runs off Botan and Sayaka start dragging Yusuke, teasing him about how Keiko chose him over that "charming handsome boy." 

...Please scroll up and look at that image again. I find YYH's definition of "charming" and "handsome" to be hilariously wrong. 

Yusuke, as per usual, throws himself into damage control, claiming that Keiko didn't say who she liked, so really it could be anyone. They're not buying it. “'I like Keiko' is written all over your face!” Botan crows. Meanwhile, Sayaka is scribbling in her little investigator's journal that feelings on both side are severely misunderstood. "Suggest serious counseling." 

Fantastic idea, Sayaka. I'd personally suggest counseling for the whole dying/best friend getting resurrected thing... but relationship woes work too! 

We cut to later when school is out and Keiko has gone over to Yusuke's. To say that Atsuko has done a poor job of keeping the house clean lately would be a serious understatement. 

Keiko points out the old food and broken glass specifically, cluing us in that this isn't just a messy environment, but a dangerous one as well. This is proven when she accidentally knocks a stack of books over and a used bowl falls onto Yusuke's face. What's interesting is that Keiko says that things are "back to normal" now, though I'm not sure if that's in reference to the state of the house, or just the note Atsuko left behind, asking Keiko to take care of Yusuke while she's out. I'm inclined towards thinking it's just the note, partly because of Keiko's shock when she first arrives, because the house wasn't shown to be in this state prior to Yusuke's death (first image above), and because the note is accompanied by a great voiceover that makes Atsuko sound quite sloshed when she left. That's what's normal, the drinking and carefree attitude, not the state of her home. If we buy that reading, it allows for another fantastic look into Atsuko's mental state. If she's already an alcoholic, the trauma of her son's death and the following revelation that he's coming back might make her struggle in other ways. Like finding cleaning to be an impossible task. 

She's depressed. It doesn't excuse the state she's left Yusuke in and, as previously acknowledged, YYH is definitely not a show interested in this nuance, but I still find it fun to take what little we've gotten and run with it. 

However, Keiko is firmly on team "WTF Atsuko." She hurries to make sure Yusuke wasn't hurt by the falling bowl, bemoans him being "covered in garbage," and says that leaving him in this state should be considered a felony. Knowing it's far beyond her power to fix Atsuko's failings, Keiko swears to come here after school every day until Yusuke regains his body. It's as she's cleaning him of the dust that's gathered that Keiko becomes entranced with Yusuke’s features. Particularly his lips. The soft lighting returns, their theme song swells, and Keiko gets thiiiis close to kissing Yusuke for the first time. 

Which is a little weird, right? I mean, we know why Yusuke is freaking out. Beyond the embarrassment of a middle schooler receiving his first kiss while two ghost girls eagerly watch on, he's made a hobby of denouncing his interest in Keiko to anyone who will listen. But for the average viewer — for Keiko herself — don't we care the he's, you know, dead? Or if not technically dead, very unconscious? Don't get me wrong, I fully understand the appeal of this situation in a generalized, cultural sense (with the side disclaimer that I'm reading a Japanese product through an American lens). Sleeping Beauty exists for a reason and there's definitely an element of that here: a gender-reversed setup where Keiko’s kills may break the "curse" of Yusuke's untimely death. Even his in-between state of being mirrors the "death like sleep" of the fairy tale. But when you strip away those Disney-esque thoughts, we're left with a girl about to kiss an unresponsive body, not as a common gesture of care (the parent who kisses their child while they sleep), but as a first time, romantic milestone. 

It's a little weird lol. 

But embrace the romance! As well as its inevitable interruption. Just as Keiko is about to land a peck, the neighborhood watch committee announces a heat and fire warning, startling Keiko out of her thoughts about Yusuke's "beautiful face." (There's another gender reversal for ya.) She gasps at her almost-action, conveniently remembers that her mom wanted her to do some shopping, and hightails it out of there before embarrassment can really kill them both. 

So she runs off for food... in a sweater? The outfit is cute and all, but I wonder what the animators were thinking, putting Keiko in a puffy pullover during an episode all about a heat wave. 

It's about at this point that the plot goes from cute romance to absolutely buck wild. The fires the neighborhood watch committee mentioned are not, in fact, due to the overwhelming heat, but an arsonist that's going around tossing molotov cocktails through open windows. Why is he doing such a thing? I don't know. Arsonists be doing arson, I guess. The important bit is that Yusuke's place is his next target, considering that Atsuko forgot to lock the windows when she went out. Within seconds all that garbage is set ablaze, quite obviously putting Yusuke's resurrection chances at an all time low. 

"Wake up, stupid!" he shouts at his unconscious body. Mood, Yusuke. That's me every morning. 

So this is a full scale emergency now and everyone is scrambling trying to think of something to do. Yusuke comes up with the idea to possess himself like he did Kuwabara — nice attempt at a loophole there — but since it would technically count as his resurrection, no dice. Botan decides to go get Kuwabara himself, even though he's too far away to do anything. It's still worth a shot. Sayaka, meanwhile, watches all this unfold with a somewhat clinical detachment. She's not quite indifferent and she's definitely not cruel... she’s just not as emotionally invested in this as the other two. Which not only re-emphasizes her purpose here, as an observer judging Yusuke, but also highlights the bond Botan is forming with him. As mentioned before in regards to her hanging out with Yusuke rather than ferrying souls, Botan is well past someone assisting Yusuke simply because it's a part of her job. He's her friend. 

We get some shots of the growing fire which includes a hazy texture to the animation I quite like and then we cut to Keiko several blocks away, shopping bag in hand. Word of the new fire spreads, with one bystander mentioning that it's the twelfth today. 

"This is eerie.” 

“Yeah, I can’t help feeling we’re under attack.”

That's because you are! Someone stop that man! 

Sadly, I don't think the arsonist is mentioned again, let alone captured. We'll just have to relegate that to my incredibly niche fic wishlist. 

Keiko also overhears that the latest fire is on fourth avenue, which of course is where Yusuke lives. Recognizing that he might be in trouble, she takes off at a run. 

Meanwhile, Botan finds Kuwabara practicing his kicks against a Yusuke dummy. Amazing resemblance, right? 

Watching for the purpose of recapping, I'm picking up on a lot of details in the animation I quite enjoy. I don't think anyone would claim that YYH, at this point in time, has the most impressive or flashy animation (the fight scenes later are another matter entirely), but there's a clear love for the product that shines through. The scared expression on Kuwabara's dummy. His unexpectedly dainty kick, complete with pointed toes. Botan's more translucent coloring to emphasize her supernatural status compared to Kuwabara. There are a lot of nice touches despite the overall simplicity. 

Plus, you can't forget the lovely irony of Kuwabara fighting a defenseless "Yusuke" while the real guy actually lies defenseless amidst a fire. We already know that despite his tough talk, Kuwabara would be horrified to learn that his friend rival had died (again) in such a manner. 

Capitalizing on that transparency, Botan runs a hand through Kuwabara's back to catch his attention. He gets his "tickle feeling" and instinctively looks around towards Yusuke's house, seeing the smoke. "Something tells me I should go that way." Gotta love a guy who drops everything to chase a vague, supernaturally induced hunch. 

As Kuwabara leaves we cut back to Keiko arriving at the house, staring in horror at the blaze. We get an audio flashback to her talk with Yusuke where she promised to take care of his body until he got back. So she tries to run in, only for a couple of the onlookers to snag her, quite correctly keeping her from undergoing a suicide mission. We learn later that Keiko absolutely would have died without Yusuke's sacrifice, so her "You cowards!" is born more of emotion than justified accusations. It's not cowardly to look at the raging inferno in a small apartment and realize that recklessly running in will only result in two dead teens, not one. 

I mean, the flames are already right there, licking the door. Even if Keiko somehow managed to avoid burns, the smoke alone would do her in. Still, Keiko tries to mitigate the damage by dumping a bucket of water over her head. As a kid I remember thinking this was the smartest thing ever. Utterly inspired. Keep that in the back of your mind, kid Clyde, for future reference. As an adult... I have no idea whether this would actually help or not lol. Any firefighters doubling as YYH fans? 

Recklessness and iffy precautions aside, I can't express how much I appreciate the story giving Keiko things to do. Yusuke recognizes that she's the only one with the maturity and open-mindedness to believe in his resurrection. She's the one picking up Atsuko's slack regarding his day-to-day needs. She never hesitates for a moment, heroically throwing herself into this blaze for Yusuke's benefit. Yeah, a lot of that still falls into the emotional/domestic sphere — what we expect of the love interest in a 90s anime — but too often action stories don't have a clue what to do with their non-action characters, not even when it comes to just supporting the fighters. They're simply... there. Keiko, however, isn't window dressing. Whether it's helping Botan survive an upcoming, supernatural plague, or cheering the team on at the Dark Tournament, Keiko is an important part of the story, despite lacking the fighting prowess of the rest of the cast. 

Just as important, this episode establishes a core equality between her and Yusuke. We just watched Keiko reject a (presumably) accomplished guy for him, telling the audience that these surface differences — academics, power levels, popularity, looks — don't matter to them. Yusuke is not Keiko's lesser just because he doesn't have the same scores in Sayaka's book and Keiko won't become Yusuke's lesser just because she doesn't have spiritual power like he does. The only important thing here is that they love each other and they're both willing to sacrifice everything for the other. In the span of about ten minutes, Keiko nearly gives up her life for Yusuke and, in turn, Yusuke gives up his resurrection for her. The level of care they show towards one another is balanced, despite those differences. 

They’re a good ship, y'all. Even if this recapping's got me noticing Yusuke/Kuwabara potential lol. 

To get back to the plot, a drenched Keiko charges into the fire, yelling Yusuke's name for the drama of it because we all know he can't respond. Despite the audience (hopefully) recognizing Keiko and Yusuke's equality, that memo hasn't reached Yusuke yet. "You're a lot more important to this world than I am!" he yells, hammering home that despite everything — knowing he instinctively saved a child, watching his loved ones grieve for him, helping Kuwabara just because he can — Yusuke still, deep down, believes that he doesn't deserve to come back; that he doesn't measure up to those around him. The self-sacrificial nature this insecurity produces shocks Sayaka. She points out that if Keiko doesn't save his body, he's not coming back. "What's the point of being alive if Keiko has to get killed for it?" 

Keiko means more to Yusuke than the rest of his living existence. Jot that down in your notebook, Sayaka! 

Kuwabara arrives and runs into one of his friends who informs him that Keiko just went inside. “Yusuke’s girl? The one we saved from those thugs?”

BOY does that tell us a lot about their rivalry! I mean yeah, we've already established several times over that Kuwabara — just like Yusuke himself — is not the cruel street thug he'd like to present himself as. If these characters actually wanted to hurt each other outside of a martial arts challenge, don't you think Kuwabara would capitalize on the "Yusuke's girl" bit? Everyone seems to know that they have feelings for each other, but Kuwabara never once wields that as ammunition against Yusuke. There are no taunts about him not being good enough. Or rather, I should clarify there are no serious taunts — Kuwabara is well known for his teasing. There's also no attempt to steal Keiko out from under him, the common treatment of the love interest as a "prize" that many stories fall into. Indeed, later this episode YYH will deconstruct this a bit. Yusuke sees Kuwabara grab Keiko's hand and yells that he better not be getting "fresh" with her. But it's purely Yusuke's worries shining through. The audience gets a crystal clear picture of the situation and knows, categorically, that Kuwabara has only the most innocent of intentions in holding Keiko's hand. 

(Well, running from the police isn't innocent, but...) 

I keep getting sidetracked. Plot! Keiko makes it to Yusuke's room and finds that he is already on fire. She then proceeds to try and put it out by patting it with her hands. I take back what I said about Keiko's smarts in this scene. Now we know where that supposed recklessness comes from though. Apparently they're both immune to fire! Nothing to worry about here, folks. 

JK she's actually in danger, despite the animation choices. By this point everyone, including Keiko, realizes that there's no way out: the fire has blocked the door. Sayaka then reveals that there is one way to save her. If Yusuke throws his egg into the fire, the energy of the spirit beast will release and guide her to safety. The catch? Hatch the egg early and it won't complete its intended function of guiding him back to his body. This beast is gonna guide one person and that is it. 

Cue Yusuke's near immediate decision to sacrifice his life for Keiko's. Granted, it's not precisely one life for another. Yusuke's resurrection was always contingent upon the beast not devouring him whole — something Koenma claims would have happened at the end of the episode — meaning that it's not technically a fair trade. Yusuke might have sacrificed Keiko's life for his own... only to fail to get that life back anyway. (There's a tragedy for ya.) To say nothing of how Yusuke is currently dead and has been for at least a couple of days, whereas Keiko very much is not. There's some sort of philosophical discussion there about potential being pit against current reality. 

BUT that's not the point! The emotional point is that he sacrificed his life for hers — the potential of his resurrection, the potential of that life he might have led — all technicalities aside. And I, for one, think that's very neat of him. 

A blue light shines as the egg's energy is released, providing a lovely contrast to the fire surrounding them. A path forms to the door and Keiko, recognizing Yusuke's presence, follows it. "We'll make it, Yusuke," Keiko says, which is one hell of a sucker-punch now that we know she's just carrying a corpse. Unbeknownst to Keiko, Yusuke is very much not making it. That's the only reason why she is. 

Kuwabara appears to help them the rest of the way which is also a pretty awesome thing considering that, from everyone else's perspective, the fire is still raging and blocking the door. Despite his spiritual awareness, Kuwabara gives no indication that he noticed this strange light, or Yusuke's hand in the rescue. Which basically means he lunged into a bunch of deadly fire for Keiko and doesn't question how in the world he isn't burned. 

Keiko's hands are fine, Kuwabara's whole body is fine... fire immunity must run in the friend group! 

Yusuke has another rare moment of vulnerability — "They're both okay" — and I cackle happily at the "both" because see. You love Kuwabara too, Yusuke! All this bluster about hating him and finding him annoying. The second he rushed into that fire you were crawling up the walls. 

Except then that happiness gives way to something that sounds a little more shocked. Devastated. "Well, I sure am... relieved..." Kudos to Cook's voice acting. You can hear the exact moment Yusuke realizes what he's done. Not that he regrets it, but the consequences are finally sinking in. He's relieved that they're safe, yes, but now he's never going to be able to rejoin them. 

As Yusuke has an(other) existential crisis, Kuwabara peels back the blanket Keiko had wrapped Yusuke in, revealing his face. “What are you doing with Yusuke’s body?! Are you some type of sick grave robber?” he shouts. God I love when a story actually keeps track of who knows what. Kuwabara, for all his recent involvement in the plot, doesn't actually know what's going on. From his perspective Yusuke died, he made a scene at the wake, he saved "his girl" from a bunch of thugs, lost a huge chunk of time only to wake up with her randomly hugging him (then slapping him), participated in a bet with his awful teacher and had a couple weird, Yusuke related dreams while studying, and has felt the presence of ghosts perhaps a little more frequently than usual. Now he's trying to help save Keiko from a fire only for her to reveal she risked her own life for Yusuke's body. Of course he's freaking out! What's she doing with that? 

What's utterly fantastic though is that Kuwabara takes all of five seconds to process this and then enters immediate Ride or Die mode for Keiko. She's been hoarding Yusuke's body for undetermined reasons? Well, who is he to judge? The important thing here is that people are arrested for keeping bodies, so they've gotta skedaddle before the firefighters show up. 

Hence, hand-holding and avoiding arrest. 

As Yusuke starts threatening Kuwabara not to get "fresh" with her, Botan sadly reminds him that he no longer has a say in who Keiko does or does not fall in love with. The switch in tone is jarring. Whereas before Botan would have teased him mercilessly for the crush, now she knows that nothing can come of that — and it would be cruel not to remind Yusuke of that too. 

"Oh no. I didn't think..." Yusuke whispers, further establishing that he knew the risks of using his egg, but hadn't allowed them to sink in yet. Now they have. 

He gives a fake little laugh with, "Just when it was getting good" and I cry at the development in the span of just four episodes. Despite what I said at the beginning about the show resetting each week, there has been a lot of change thus far. Yusuke wants to live now! He wants to be there for Keiko! He looks down on his tiny family and screams at the unfairness of it all! They're talking about how they can't wait for him to come back and now that's never gonna happen!!

It hurts, friends. It hurts a whole lot. 

During this conversation between Keiko, Atsuko, and Kuwabara, we see that a couple of hours have passed (it's nighttime now, the fire is out) and Atsuko is apologizing for putting them all in danger like that. And by that I mean yes, she does technically apologize with an "I'm sorry" and everything, but it's also a one sentence apology pit against... well, near death for the three people standing (and sitting) before her. Atsuko seems just as concerned by Keiko losing her hair as she does Keiko nearly burning to death and she kneels by Yusuke's wheelchair, baby-talking to him about how he forgives her, right? I love Atsuko, she's great, but objectively speaking she is not a good mother. Not right now, anyway. 

Oh yeah, and just to reiterate that: Keiko's hands are fine after patting down Yusuke's on-fire body, but her hair, which I'm pretty sure never catches, has to be cut short. Ah, anime logic. Funny thing is, YYH isn't the only story to take the love interest and give her a cool, short cut thanks to a traumatic event. Anyone read Ranma 1/2? 

During this conversation we also learn that, sometime between the fire and now, Keiko filled Kuwabara in on everything that's happening with Yusuke. Makes sense. He kneels beside the wheelchair, joining the others in telling Yusuke that they'll wait patiently for his return. Yusuke, above them, continues yelling about how they're waiting on a dead man. 

“It can’t be helped. He made this decision on his own." 

Except it can, in fact, be helped!

Just as all hope is truly lost, Koenma appears and announces that Yusuke will be returned to life. Why? Because sacrificing his egg for Keiko is a better indicator of his worth than the egg itself could have been. Despite feeding on his negative outlook and heading towards biting Yusuke's head off — something the animation backs up by showing us teeth during the fire

— Yusuke's act demonstrates a tendency towards being a "decent human being" that is "so rare." Wow. That's depressing. Still, yay that Yusuke has those qualities! And this, to my mind, helps explain Sayaka's presence. Koenma recognized that judging Yusuke couldn't be left to the egg alone and indeed, Sayaka took note of his worth before he ever threw the egg into the fire. First it was questioning why someone as amazing as Keiko would go for him, then it was solidified through the shock of Yusuke announcing that coming back to life was meaningless if she wasn't in it. Even if Keiko had somehow, miraculously escaped the fire before Yusuke's sacrifice, I bet Sayaka's report would have tipped him in resurrection's favor anyway. 

Everyone is, of course, overjoyed and my heart swells at the intense gratitude Yusuke displays. My favorite part though is when Koenma cryptically says that “Your added experience with death could make you very useful" (a nod towards future events that goes right over Yusuke's head) and his response to this is a yelled, "YOU THINK I'M USEFUL?" This poor kid. The God of everything ever is chucking out revelations left and right, about resurrections and spirit beasts, but the only thing that really penetrates is the realization that someone thinks he's useful. Talk about relatable. 

You know, I've been thinking about why this moment works so well. I mean, there are a lot of other stories where undermining the consequences our hero faces — either with humor, or by erasing them completely — can feel like the audience was cheated. I think YYH dodged that with a couple of crucial factors. First, Yusuke's consequence isn't something new that he's now avoided, it's just a permanent extension of something he was already dealing with. We did get to watch him inhabit the space between life and death, grappling with whether he'd ever be able to return. The story didn't deny us that growth, it just confirmed something we all instinctively knew: this tale won't end here with Yusuke permanently going to some afterlife. Second, the Deus ex Machina fix doesn't happen too soon. Yeah, it's only a couple of minutes in a single episode, but we (and Yusuke) still get to sit with that outcome for a while, soaking it in before its removal. Finally, there's no doubt that Yusuke earned this reprieve. Koenma's timing might be sudden and (if you're not genre savvy) unexpected, but looking back at the series as a whole thus far, we're able to agree absolutely that Yusuke deserves this. Far from feeling like we were cheated, this solution invites just as much celebration as we're seeing on screen, for the simple reason that we can buy into Koenma's reasoning. We know now that Yusuke is a good person. We saw him selflessly sacrifice his future for Keiko. We agree that he deserves a second chance. 

Thus, the episode ends with Yusuke flying up to fill the screen in his joy, a far better, final shot than Harry Potter and The Prison of Azkaban managed 😰

And that's it for Episode 4, folks! See you later for Episode 5 💕

[glenncoco4]

You Can Count On Me

A/N: Chapter 8

••••

Marty Deeks has been patient his entire life, whether that be waiting until Christmas morning to open presents or until a new Donnie & Marie album was released, but when it comes to one Kensi Marie Blye becoming his fiancé, he’s anything but. So he’s not at all deterred when he steps into the small antique shop in search of a ring. Her ring, without getting a yes first.

No, she hasn’t said yes to his proposal yet, but she did confess that she wanted everything with him. So even if it’s not a yes right now, it will be eventually and he wants to be ready. 

Now here he is at the fourth store today, considering how large Los Angeles is and the amount of people, he thought it’d be easier than this. As he examines the display of unique and elegant jewelry, he begins to lose hope once again, nothing catching his eye. 

The shaggy blonde’s attention is suddenly pulled away from his perusal when he looks over to the man behind the counter and the older lady that’s holding out something to him. He’s only a few feet away but the delicate features of the solitaire diamond ring scream out to him. 

The older black woman feels the shaggy blonde’s stare, she turns, studying his face as his focus continues to stay on the ring in her hand. There’s one thing she’s learned in her 70 years of life and that’s the look of a man in love, but not just any love, a love that’s all consuming. 

He’s pulled out of his trance, realizing that the two have stopped their conversation completely and the woman’s gaze is now on him. “I don’t mean to stare its just...”

“No need to apologize, I recognize that look on your face. Reminds me of my Henry.”

He flashes her sad smile, knowing just by the reverence in her voice that she’s talking about him in the past tense. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. He was my first love...my only love. Some people don’t get that in life, we were lucky.”

“I know what you mean.”

Something in the way he drifts off for a minute with a dreamy gaze makes her consider her ring and the love she hopes it will be a part of again. “Tell me your story.”

Never missing the chance to talk about his girl, Deeks feels his lips pull into an automatic smile. “I met Kensi when I was 11 years old. My mom and I were in a bad situation at home and her family took us in. That first night we were there I had a flashback of sorts, as I was sitting there paralyzed in fear, she wrapped her arms around me and some part of me knew that I was finally home.” Shaking his head, he thinks about how easy it is for him to tell this woman with deep brown eyes full of understanding how much his best friend means to him. “I know its crazy, she was 8 years old, I was 11, but it made sense in my mind. Growing up we were inseparable, still are. We experienced so many life changing moments together and apart, but no matter what we were there for the other. She’s my person...the person I go to for everything, no matter how big or small it may be. I’ve always felt like I’m my most true and authentic self around her and she around me. We’re just synced. A few weeks ago we finally realized what everyone else around us saw from the start, we’re in love. It’s been 20 years and she still makes me feel like that safe little 11 year old boy. I didn’t see any point in waiting any longer, so I proposed to her a few days ago.”

The older woman takes a look around the store, expecting to see the young woman since he’s already proposed, she’d imagine they’d want to pick out the ring together. “Where is she?”

He feels the heat rise to his cheeks, a little embarrassed. “Well, she hasn’t said yes yet. My Kensi’s a thinker, she likes to look at a situation from all views.”

“But you’re still looking for a ring?”

“Yeah, because I know that she’ll be ready one day and when that day comes I want to give her something special with meaning behind it. I’ve been looking everywhere for the perfect ring and I was losing all hope until-“

“You saw mine.”

He smiles hopefully as she finishes his sentence. “Yes, ma’am.”

Without hesitation, she extends the delicate piece of jewelry towards him.

He hesitantly reaches for it, looking to her for confirmation. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. This ring deserves to continue being a representation of our kind of love. It represented mine and Henry’s for 50 years and now its for you and Kensi.”

“It’s so beautiful, I’m sure you could get so much more for it than what I have.”

“How much do you have, son?”

“Four thousand.”

It’s not about the money for her really and that’s when the idea strikes her. “I think we can make that work, but on one condition.”

It takes everything in him not to wrap the woman up in a bear hug. “Anything.”

“You let me meet this woman of yours.”

Nodding his head, he can’t agree fast enough. He thinks about his love and how sentimental she is, especially when it comes to their relationship. She’ll definitely want to meet that’s given them something so special. “I’d like that...we both would.”

••••

The next day at work its as if the universe is helping him out when the death of a marine who had suddenly come into a lot of money lands on their front door step. Of course its tragic but the shaggy blonde can’t help smile at the opportunity this case is bringing him. 

Once the two pair of partners return from their respective assignments they gather in the bullpen, trying to figure out the different angels that could’ve resulted in the marine’s untimely demise. 

“Maybe he was here to spend it.” Kensi speaks up, snowballing off of Callen’s statement about leaving behind a paper trail. 

Sam’s eyebrows raise, nodding his head at the strong possibility that she may be right. “Corporal Peterson said he was thinking about getting married.”

“An engagement ring from Tiffany’s?” Deeks questions, knowing Corporal Porter had a serious girlfriend and it would be logical he’d be hunting for a spectacular ring now that money wasn’t really an issue. 

The brunette locks eyes with her partner, flashing him a small grin. “You have no idea what that little blue box means to a girl.”

He smirks, thinking about the small delicate ring that’s in the black satin bag tucked in his wallet between a photo of them and Marg’s information. One of the main reasons he went in search at an antique shop is because he remembers the gaudy diamond ring Jack had proposed to her with and how it screamed the opposite of what his best friend was. That should’ve set off warning bells from the get go, because if there’s one thing Kensi Blye is not, its flashy. His girl isn’t one for bling and he knows the story behind the ring he bought will mean more to her than any content of a little blue box could. “Oh, but I do.”

••••

She’s been feeling him stare at her on and off all day...well more than usual. It’s when they’re walking towards the home goods store to question Porter’s girlfriend that she’s finally it. “Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

His brow furrows at her accusatory tone, shrugging his shoulders. “What, a guy can’t look at his fiancée?”

“I didn’t say yes.”

“Didn’t you?” He smirks, knowing good and well that they’re as good as engaged. 

She shakes her head. He’s right, but there’s no reason for her to voice that, not that there’s really time to before they’re already at the front of the store.

As her partner goes off to distract Diane’s manager, Kensi’s able to question the blonde without interruption. It’s when the young woman talks about she and Porter picking out rings that she suddenly feels a strange kinship with her. 

When Jack had proposed to her all those years ago she hadn’t really thought about how gaudy and so unlike her that the ring truly was. It wasn’t until he was off in Afghanistan that she would catch herself staring at the large diamond thinking that it didn’t belong there. Everything was different with him, she realizes that now that her rose colored glasses are off. 

She’s been having these moments ever since Marty proposed, finding herself imagining what kind of ring he’d give her. He loves her like no other, he knows she’s not into blingy things. It makes her smile when she remembers all the times he’s seen women with large diamond rings and spouting off something about someone overcompensating. She’d laugh and that would make him laugh, and in turn they’d get stares from strangers making them laugh even harder. Never in her life has someone made her laugh the way Marty Deeks has. 

Kensi’s focus goes back to the woman standing in front of her, against her own will the image of their roles reversed comes to the forefront of her mind. What if it was Marty that had been killed? The answer brings a gut wrenching ache over her. 

••••

The jewelry store op had been a bust. As soon as the man behind the counter got a glimpse of Kensi’s bracelet the air shifted and they were immediately asked to leave. It may have not turned out like they planned but Deeks can’t help but love the fact he and his partner got to deceive their coworkers once again by “posing” as a couple. Kensi didn’t seem too keen on showing affection however, especially when Sam and Callen were just outside. He wasn’t the least bit surprised when the sharp point of her heel lands directly into the top of his foot.

So now here they sit in the bullpen, in silence, trying to figure out the team’s next move. He took over Callen’s chair so they could work more closely but neither have come up with any links to their victim in the myriad of old case files piled on each desk. 

The shaggy blonde takes a look next to him, smiling at the pout that’s displayed on his girlfriend’s face. She hasn’t spoken a word in the past 30 minutes which is kind of worrisome. Afraid that he pushed to far by calling her his fiancée, he speaks up in hopes that she’ll respond. “Are you mad at me?”

“Dogs go mad. People...people get angry.”

The spark in her mismatched orbs makes him want to forget this nonsense and kiss her right then and there, but he quickly remembers the terms of their bet and knowing Callen isn’t anywhere around, he continues this little charade...for now. “Is this about the jewelry store? Listen, I was just trying to sell the fact that we were a couple.”

“Yeah, whatever. Like anybody would believe that we’re a couple.”

He has to hold back a laugh at her words because ever since middle school that’s all people thought they were. “You’re right. You are so not my type.”

••••

It takes longer than any of them anticipated but eventually Porter’s killer is caught. As Hetty congratulates them on a job well done, she hands Kensi a small ring box. The contents of said box are a delicate simple ring much like Diane had described. 

She thinks back to the woman and her heart aches for the loss that she’ll never get over. The life that she’ll never get to experience with the man who she loved. She’s drawn out of her thoughts at the distinct laughter of her love filling the room. Looking across to Hetty’s office she watches as he exchanges some verbiage with Sam making Callen laugh and she could swear there’s a hint of a smile on the Operation Manager’s face. It’s then she realizes that she wants to accept Marty’s proposal. Who the hell cares that they’ve only been dating for a few weeks. They’ve known each other their whole lives and she doesn’t ever want to live without him. There’s just one thing she has to do first.

Taking out her phone, she presses call on the newly added number “Diane, hey, Special Agent Kensi Blye, NCIS. I was wondering if I could drop by. I have something that Tom left for you.”

••••

Deeks watched from the passenger seat of the SRX as his partner handed over the small box to Diane. As she pried it open, tears immediately sprang to the woman’s eyes and before either knew it her arms were wrapped around the junior agent in a giant bear hug. It suddenly made him think about what if he were the one that died, leaving Kensi all alone. The thought alone breaks his heart in two.

A few minutes later the pair bid their farewells and part ways. He’s surprised a little at the look in her eyes, its not one of sadness but there’s something else, something he’s not sure how to describe. 

The shaggy blonde is so focused on his girlfriend that he doesn’t realize she misses the turn towards his apartment, instead she keeps going for a few minutes until she hits the Santa Monica exit. A few minutes later they’re back in the same spot at the overlook where they were just a week ago. 

“What are we doing here?”

She turns towards him, that unrecognizable look still swirling in her mismatched eyes. “Well, I’ve been thinking.”

[thisdreamplace]

I had a nasty fight with my former bff. This was long ago. She did the whole 'boycotting me' thing at school and afterwards had a mutual friend pass her msg to me, saying "tell her [me] to get it into her skull that she's not the center of the world, who does she think she is? Stop acting like a #" Im simplifying the words, her actual words were nastier

I got thinking today abt this fight, and her comment abt me that is still way too fresh in my mind even tho I hadn't recalled it in 2-3 yrs!, and I actually decided to use the law to revise my friendship to feel better as what happened after the fight was shameful on my part. But before I knew it, I started rmmbring my relationship with her. How I became a total victim. Got so stuck on her validation, begged her to be friends with me (after I got the degrading msg. 🤕 silly me w/o a backbone lol) and stayed her 'bestie' for way too long. Only after it's all over im noticing smth messed up abt out 'feiendship'. It wasnf that normal I think. She would get so pissed if I did anything that went against her thoughts/beliefs/way (which is why she called me a selfish # that major fight). It was so subtle the way she showed her disapproval. To her, if I did anything not aligned with her, or even makih decisions on my own which didn't involve her, it was wrong. And had consequences like her beinf distant for days etc, or getting angry if I didn't mind read her bla bla, I just had to keep her at the top 24/7 and she expected everyone else to do the same... which I thought was normal... It wasnt. And what would be even more crazy is she never realized how that meant she always wanted the attention. That she always wanted it her way! It just makes me feel... Sad.... When I look back. How couldn't I have notived it before? I used to be strong headed, opinionated before I became 'besties' with her.. That all has changed. I wonder why -_-

It may be dumb on my part but with the weak mind and insecurity I had then, I took that fight/her reaction to the heart and internalisef this stupidiy (DENY MYSELF if the other alternative was denying HER. I didn't think it was wrong. For the oldme, it really wasn't wrong smh). Aaah I'm so sorry old me :(

This fight started bcoz she asked me for smth and I refused, instead of relenting like I always would, and I see now that her reaction (to me not being an obedient # to her ig?🤢) was basically her setting rules. It was wrong of me to refuse, yes, but why did she react that way? Why did this pattern continue? That everyone was selfish if they didn't think of her ;_; like how do u deal with this? And the icing is when I too started to defend her and make excuses for her all the time. And ik I'm making her out to be so strong, don't worry... I accept the strong only rule when the weak submit. And I was weak as hell, so its understandable this whole thing. I think 😅

Idk. I seen your posts abt eyipo with other anons so i hope u can tell me figure out what this was. Its clear to me she was projecting smth about me, and mb throughout our whole friendship she was projecting me. And I would think it was her hurting me, that she was right and I was wrong or maybe I did smth wrong. Mb I thought I deserved being punished that way?!

Today I suddenly had an aha moment and I realised... this is how a victim thinks. I didn't know I was a victim when I was living that stoey aka thought I was powerless. When in fact I really wasn't?! Haha still accepting I 555% created ALL that. The law can knock you out haha

Enough old story I just want to ask, what du u think the msg she sent to me was? Did I really deserve such a reaction (did I mention she included other girls in the boycot? 🤢) just for standing up for myself? What about the whole 'fight' aka showcase of power? And the entire yrs of being friends why did I never realize I was only hurting myself so much by putting her before me? And also, with the everyone pushed out thing, how did it fit in? Like why the hell did I give her too much power in validating me by giving in after the fight in the first place?, and while I did have some fun times (saying this so anyone else who reads this doesn't think it was pure torture lol. We had some common interests tyat no one else in the class shared when we first became 'friends'), deep down I was so unhappy so why didn't this reflect on her? I mean why didn't she ever sense just how much she'd hurt me, why didn't she see how much I put on the back burner coz of her?! Was it as she saw it as her right? I'm just so confused

This is still a bitter pill to swallow tbh but I have to face this in order to move on. This person and my life with her has left me wit many scars and I got to understand how I did this so I never attract such a person in my life again. Its not even abt bejnf a victim. As I said, these victimy things were subtle and I only noted them when it was too late and I was a shell, like she getting super pissed and disapproving if I had a differing opinion and me blowijg it out of proportion and tailoring my views or not expressing them so as to not feel the disapproval...thanks boycott conditioning ig? 😭 Aaaah even talking agaunst her rn is making me uncomfortable. Which makes me think I still am scared of her subconsciously even tho she's no longer in my life. Like, what in me made me choose her? I haven't healed, obviously by this ask as u can tell, but idk what is it in my self concept that had this whole thing in my past even happen

My friend, I also want to say I think you're a beautiful soul 🥺. And im sorry for the long ask lol. And I pray you'll always have all your desires. And plz, was it hard for u at first when u learned about u creating everything? The good, the bad, and the repulsive (like this story)? How did u get over old stories? Ty ty ty 😭

To begin with you're being really harsh on yourself. Like, I know it's hard, but it's never that serious. And trust me, this is something I have to remind myself of regularly. Because there have definitely been moments in life where I look back on myself in that moment, and I feel like I was pathetic and would slap myself if I could. But the truth is, there's just no need for any of that. We always did the best we could. We always did, period. We couldn't have done anything differently and this will continue to be true our entire lives. Looking back on the past with such overwhelming feelings, is really not needed. I get looking back to learn from it, but practice coming from a place of love and acceptance instead. It will help you grow, rather than get stuck back in this cycle of self-hate and confusion. Plus, you actually never need to analyze the past to grow but that's beyond the point right now.

To me, by reading your ask, the message she sent to you was clear. You feel you deserve less in life, you feel you're not good enough, you feel like a victim to life and others, you feel like you're not empowered or the operant power of your reality. It's not about her being wrong and you being right, and I get this is one of the hardest pills to swallow. Everyone is you pushed out. Therefore, there's simply no such thing as who is right and who is wrong anymore. It was only ever you.

When it comes to everyone is you pushed out, you have to understand this person isn't this way because that's who they are. They were that way because that's who you were. Inside of you, you brought their character to life. Therefore, the same way you are not stuck to such an undesirable self concept, neither is that person. It's not that you chose her and attracted her in. You were just dealing with yourself. That's what I hope you walk away from this response understanding. Because by thinking she was outside of you, you're missing the mark. And this is such an important concept to understand when it comes to the law of assumption, because it's really at the forefront of everything. People play such a huge role in our lives, whether it's relationships, jobs, opportunities, etc etc. So understanding how everyone is you pushed out actually works is extremely important.

So instead of putting all this blame on her or even putting the blame on yourself, all these memories really do is give you a glimpse into who you were at the time. It shows you the beliefs you held about yourself. It shows you what your self concept was. That's all it's doing. So in that way, there's actually no one to blame at all. I know it feels good to put blame, even when it's on yourself, but the truth is there's no room for blame when you learn about the law. You simply take responsibility and become empowered by the power you have held this entire time. And you practice making it work in your favor.

If you want to see how something was apart of your self concept, all you have to do is pay attention to what you are thinking/feeling. Shame, not being good enough, etc etc is all just stories you once held onto. Now you don't have to hold onto those stories anymore. Now that you know the power you hold, you get to make a new decision for yourself. Rather than ruminating of the painful past, allow it to be and know how that's not your story anymore.

Was it difficult for me to accept how I created everything? Yes and no. It's been a journey. While I could accept it logically, emotionally it was still very painful. Many times I wanted to cry and lash out when I felt alone and felt upset that no one was there for me. Although, I knew deep down it appeared that way because of my own concept of self. So yeah, it's been a journey. And it's honestly not always delightful. But this is the journey we have to take for the rest of our lives, so we might as well get used to practicing and applying these concepts. Instead of continuing to hold ourselves in such painful lights. I got through old stories, and I continue to get through old stories, by feeling all the pain that came up. By allowing myself to cry and feel however I felt like during those times. And in the back of my mind I knew I was getting stronger in my power. I knew how I would keep persisting once the pain subsided. And little by little, old stories fade more and more. That persistence to continue choosing better for yourself, is truly more powerful than it may seem in a difficult moment. Have trust in how it's all working out for you regardless.

Hopefully this is helpful! Thank you for your kind words. 💖

[the-last-kenobi]

reread Master & Apprentice (Claudia Gray) and now we’re here

Unwoven -

Qui-Gon discovers Obi-Wan in the middle of contacting the Jedi Council. Things spiral drastically from there.

Obi-Wan Kenobi centric

tags: AU (canon divergence from mid-book), Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Suspense

Spoilers!! for Master & Apprentice

Part One

Obi-Wan’s hand lay heavy on the switch, his breath tight in his lungs as he watched the assembled High Council exchange glances.

His news of his Master’s troubling beliefs and actions had certainly caused a stir, as had his presumptuous but welcomed decision to go behind his back to inform the Temple.

The conversation was almost at an end, he knew. And then a decision would be made.

Several decisions.

It was clear that the invitation to Qui-Gon to join their honored ranks would not be withdrawn, but what would change? Their trust in the maverick Jedi had been strained to the breaking point this time, and Obi-Wan of all people knew how his Master disdained people who did not listen to him - or simply disagreed with him, a quiet voice murmured inside, a voice that the Padawan tried swiftly to crush.

Yoda informed him that the Council would return later with a decision, but Obi-Wan wasn’t listening anymore, or watching as the holo flickered and shrank away to nothingness.

Framed in the doorway stood his Master, watching the scene with his arms folded and his expression utterly blank.

It was hardly the first time Obi-Wan had found the man impossible to read.

But it was the first that he had felt such a cold, prickling emptiness in the depths of him where their training bond normally dwelled.

The first time that he had felt such disquiet and uncertainty in the face of Qui-Gon’s judgement.

What more can he do to me? Obi-Wan asked himself inwardly as he slipped his hands into his sleeves and waited, heart stuttering, for the inevitable argument. He’s already made it clear I am not worthy of a place at his side, not worthy of so much as being politely informed that our relationship is ending due to a promotion.

His heart continued to race as he waited in the billowing silence, feeling that cold prickle grow louder until it almost stung.

Then -

“Disappointing,” his Master said quietly.

The single word was as a seal on a winding document years in the making - a final approval on an ending that was written years ago when Jinn had refused and refused and refused again to take Obi-Wan as his apprentice.

The ginger-haired Padawan stood rooted to the spot.

It was like all of his efforts over the past four years, over all his life, really, had been evaluated by this man he so admired and returned to him with a dismissive sigh. A failing grade on his work.

A failing grade on him.

Obi-Wan opened his mouth to speak but only managed a startled breath that strangled all the explanations and excuses away; he waited for his Master to follow up to that cold accusation, waited for more, but...

Qui-Gon merely turned silently on his heel and left without so much as a backward glance or a gesture.

Ah, Obi-Wan registered dimly. So that’s what he can do.

••

The Master and Apprentice had not set foot in the same room for two days now.

Obi-Wan knew that the older Jedi was occupied with his clashes with Rael Aveross, with scrutinizing the court, and tracking the perpetrators of the attacks.

But he also knew when he was avoided, especially when he was also doing plenty of avoiding himself.

After the Chancellor had inadvertently revealed that Qui-Gon was in line for a Council seat - and therefore to giving up his Padawan - the already unbalanced air between them had become like a pane of glass - fragile and strange, dividing them, but the idea of breaking it was frightening. It felt as if breaking the tension would break their team for good.

And now they were broken anyway, with no possible solution in sight.

Obi-Wan wanted to be the Padawan of Qui-Gon Jinn.

He wanted them to fix this, to fix everything.

But he also wanted a Master who expressed his thoughts instead of always withholding, always judging without words.

And he wanted to see Qui-Gon elevated to the Council. He deserved it.

But he couldn’t decide which path was best - letting things stand as they were until the promotion divided them, or trying to heal things so they could part on good terms (how? how, how, how?), or confronting the infuriating man and making him listen to Obi-Wan for once.

What would Qui-Gon prefer?

Given that they weren’t speaking, and that the Council had gotten back to them with the instruction that Obi-Wan was to handle the treaty...

An idea began to form.

Obi-Wan pushed it away at first, horrified - then reminded himself that silencing thoughts was not the Jedi way, and pulled it back to the forefront to examine it.

...Oh.

••

Qui-Gon stormed down the hallway, trying to press his anger out of him with every firm step.

Rael was being bullheaded and absurd.

Everyone was behaving that way these days, it seemed, completely incapable of listening to the Force or common sense when coming through the mouth of Master Jinn.

Dooku, completely unreachable.

Rael, stubborn and so focused on Fanry that he was willing to ruin entire systems to keep her safe and in power.

Fanry, so focused on her culture that she was unwilling to face the danger over her head.

And Obi-Wan.

That boy. That stubborn, arrogant, hide bound boy. He had talent, to be sure, but no drive except duty and no beliefs except those that had been given to him as rote.

Perhaps that was not quite fair.

The apprentice was brave, and capable. And clearly he had some form of self-possession, given that he had completely undermined his Master in an attempt to prove Qui-Gon wrong.

But once again he was criticizing his apprentice without regard for his own failings as a teacher. Hadn’t it just been days ago that he had watched Obi-Wan clinging for dear life above a seething sinkhole and thought to himself how unfair it was for the boy to have to endure a Master like himself?

I still don’t deserve him, Qui-Gon thought dully.

The Jedi ran a weary hand over his face, trying to calm himself. It was unacceptable for him to sulk about these things - not to mention dangerous for the mission.

The mission, that Obi-Wan had knocked sideways.

Worry gnawed at Qui-Gon.

He did not wish to see his vision come true; with nobody listening to his warnings, the coronation ceremony could only end in disaster, and now Fanry, Rael, and his Padawan were all set to be directly in the middle of things when it inevitably happened.

When he closed his eyes, Qui-Gon could see the flash of light and hear the screams his vision had shown him - he could not pick out the voices. The princess? The minister? Obi-Wan?

Qui-Gon sighed and drew his cloak a little more tightly around himself.

He could only do as the Force prompted.

The actions of others were outside his control.

He would do as he needed.

••

Obi-Wan was at the call again, standing in shadows and the blue light of the hologram just as he had been days before when everything had gone so wrong.

This time, however, he was not interrupted.

And this time, he spoke only with Masters Windu and Yoda.

Yoda’s large ears were drooping as he gazed watchfully at the apprentice. Made Windu looked grave, a deep curve lining his forehead as he too studied Obi-Wan.

“And you’re certain this is the correct path?” he asked.

Obi-Wan drew a breath.

“...As sure as I can be, Masters. I don’t... I don’t have your experience, I don’t have whatever beliefs or Force-granted visions Master Jinn thinks he is following. I only...”

A beat.

“I only know what I must do,” Obi-Wan finished. “This is the solution that has come to me.”

Master Yoda said nothing.

Windu sighed. “Very well. After the treaty, this will all be formalized. As things stand, Master Jinn holds little authority over you. Act as you must. In this instance, you rank as a Knight.”

Obi-Wan closed his eyes rather than flinch.

“Yes, Masters.”

He opened his eyes again in time to see Master Windu lean forward, his eyes shadowed, and say, “May the Force be with you.”

The transmission cut.

Obi-Wan stood alone in the dark, feeling just as cold, just as helpless before the silence of the empty room as he had before the silence of Qui-Gon’s judgement and betrayal.

With only his conscience to guide him.

Four years as a Padawan had taught him that it was not enough - he was not enough.

But that wouldn’t be a problem much longer.

tbc

Part Two

[teenslib]

IT’S FINALLY DONE! Every year, the Rainbow Book List Committee has more books to review, because literature is slowing getting queerer, and children’s and YA lit are at the forefront of that change. This year, our committee of 13 people had to review nearly 500 eligible titles, and 130 (well, 129) were good enough and queer enough to make the list. There were so many terrific books that we got a special dispensation to create TWO Top Ten lists--the first time the committee has done so! The Top Tens are below, and please visit the link above for the full list.

I’m proud of our committee’s focus on diversity--along lines of race, ethnicity, queer identity, and even genre. At least half of the Top Ten Books for Young Readers and seven of the Top Ten for Teen Readers are about characters of color, and most of those were written by authors of color. We also tried to feature as many different letters of the alphabet soup as possible. I’ve noted the racial and LGBTQIA+ rep for the books that I’ve read.

Here are the Top Ten Books for Young Readers:

Ana on the Edge by Sass, A.J. Ages 8 to 12. Sports Fiction/Figure Skating. MC is nonbinary and Jewish-Chinese-American. Ana is a champion figure-skater. She hates her new princess-themed program, but how can she tell her mother that, when it cost so much money? And why does it bother her so much, anyway? When she finds the word ‘nonbinary,’ she realizes why the program doesn’t fit, but she still has a lot of work to do repairing relationships that have suffered in the meantime.

The Deep & Dark Blue by Smith, Niki. Ages 8 to 12. Fantasy. One of 2 MCs is a trans girl, all characters appear to be Southeast Asian. A pair of twins flee after a political coup that puts their lives at risk. They decide to disguise themselves as Hanna and Grayce, two girls living in the Communion of the Blue, an order of weaving women who spin magic like wool. What one twin doesn’t know is that, for the other, being Grayce isn’t a disguise. This is a beautiful story about self-discovery, acceptance, and affirmation.

Drawing on Walls: A Story of Keith Haring by Burgess, Matthew and Josh Cochran (Illustrator). Ages 6 to 14. Biography. MC is a white gay man. This colorful picture-book biography traces the life and art of Keith Haring.

The Every Body Book: LGBTQ+ Inclusive Guide for Kids about Sex, Gender, Bodies, and Families by Simon, Rachel E. and Noah Grigni (Illustrator). Ages 8 to 12. Nonfiction/Health. Various identities and races included. Filled with self-affirming information, The Every Body Book uses inclusive language, illustrations, and facts to cover a number of important topics for young people including consent, relationships, gender, sex, puberty, and hormones.

King and the Dragonflies by Callender, Kacen. Ages 8 to 12. Realistic Fiction. MC is a gay black boy, his best friend is a gay white boy. King’s family–especially his father–have strong opinions about what it means to be a Black man, and they don’t allow for being gay. But King admires his friend Sandy for escaping an abusive home and living his truth no matter what. If King comes out, too, can his father learn to change?

Magic Fish by Nguyen, Trung Le. Ages 12 and up. Realistic Fiction/Fantasy. MC is a gay Vietnamese-American boy. A young Vietnamese-American boy literally can’t find the words to tell his parents that he’s gay, but cross-cultural fairytales help bridge the language barrier in this beautifully-illustrated graphic novel. 

My Maddy by Pitman, Gayle E. and Violet Tobacco (Illustrator). Ages 4-8. Realistic Fiction. MC’s parent is nonbinary, MC and her parent are white. My Maddy is a heartwarming story about a young girl and her parent. Readers learn that not all parents are boys or girls; some parents are just themselves. In this young girl’s case, that parent is her Maddy, a loving, caring parent who lives outside the gender binary.

My Rainbow by Neal, DeShanna, Trinity Neal, and Art Twink (Illustrator). Ages 4-8. Realistic Fiction. MC is an autistic black trans girl. Autistic trans girl Trinity wants to have long hair, but growing it out is too itchy! None of the wigs in the store are quite right, so Mom makes Trinity a special rainbow wig.

Our Subway Baby by Mercurio, Peter and Leo Espinosa (Illustrator). Ages 4 to 8. Adoption Non-fiction. MCs are white gay men, the baby they adopt is Black. Loving illustrations help tell the story of how an infant abandoned in a NYC subway station was adopted by the man who found him and his partner.

Snapdragon by Leyh, Kat. Snapdragon. Ages 10 to 14. Fantasy. Haven’t read this one yet, so I can’t comment on its representation. Snap gets to know the town witch and discovers that she may in fact have real magic and a secret connection to Snap’s family’s past.

And here are the Top Ten Books for Teen Readers:

All Boys Aren’t Blue: A Memoir-Manifesto by Johnson, George M. Ages 14 to 18. Memoir. Author/MC is a gay Black man. “Memoir-manifesto” is a well-chosen label for this book, which relates stories from the author’s childhood and young adulthood and contextualizes them within a queer Black experience. Although the author’s family is loving and supportive, pervasive heteronormativity, queerphobia, and anti-Black racism threaten his mental, emotional, and physical safety.

Camp by Rosen, L.C. Ages 14 and up. Realistic Fiction. MC and his love interest are gay Jewish boys. For Randy, going away to Camp Outland is a breath of fresh air, a time to be exactly who Randy can’t always be at school. But this year will be different. This year, Randy won’t be the flamboyant theater kid, this year Randy will be exactly the type of bro Hudson would want to date. Changing a thing or too will be necessary for Randy to succeed, even if that means leaving some friends behind.

Cemetery Boys by Thomas, Aiden. Ages 13 and up. Paranormal/Romance. MC is a trans Latino, his love interest is a gay Latino. Yadriel accidentally summons the wrong ghost in an attempt to prove himself a real brujo to his family who struggle to accept his gender identity. Though he thinks he is summoning the ghost of his cousin, he actually summons the ghost of Julian Diaz, and finds himself with not one, but two, mysterious deaths to investigate.

Circus Rose by Cornwell, Betsy. Ages 12 and up. Fantasy. One MC is white and one is mixed-race, one is a lesbian and one is questioning. Ivory and Rosie are twins and half-sisters, born to a bearded woman who refused to choose between her lovers, and raised in their mother’s circus. After a long foreign tour, they come home to find themselves under attack by religious zealots. As tragedy follows tragedy, will Ivory be able to save her circus family?

Elatsoe by Little Badger, Darcie  and Rovina Cai (Illustrator). Ages 12 and up. Mystery. MC is an aro/ace Lipan Apache girl. In this OwnVoices novel, Elatsoe is on a mission to discover who killed her beloved cousin, and why. If not for her cousin, then she is doing this for her people, the Indigenous Lipan Apache tribe. Elatsoe has the ability to raise ghosts from the dead, a tradition that has been passed down through generations. On this journey it will take vulnerability, wit, and the legends of her people for Elatsoe to understand all that is hidden in the small town of Willowbee.

I’ll Be the One by Lee, Lyla. Ages 13 and up. Realistic Fiction. MC is a bi Korean-American girl, her love interest is a bi Korean boy. Skye Shin dreams of becoming the world’s first plus-sized K-pop star, and a reality TV competition may just be her chance. To win, she’ll have to deal with fatphobic beauty standards, fierce competition, and intense media scrutiny–as well as unexpected attraction to one of her competitors.

Miss Meteor by Mejia, Tehlor Kay and Anna-Marie McLemore. Ages 14 and up. Magical Realism. (I haven’t read this one, but I think both MCs are WLW Latinas.) Lita is a star – literally. After falling to earth several years ago, she’s now living life as a teenage girl. When the annual Miss Meteor pageant rolls around, Lita decides to enter – but will her ex-best friend Chicky be willing to help her? Will the pageant help her forget about the past and imagine a new future? Lita learns that winning isn’t about being perfect, it’s about showing your true self to the world – even the parts that no one else understands.

You Should See Me in a Crown by Johnson, Leah. Ages 12 and up. Realistic Fiction. MC is a black WLW (woman-loving-woman). In this affectionate rom-com, Liz Lighty finds herself an unlikely candidate for prom queen at her affluent suburban school. Shy, awkward, Black, and low-income, Liz has never felt like she belonged, and she can’t wait to leave for her dream college. But when her scholarship falls through, it seems her last resort is to win prom queen, and the scholarship money that comes with it. Liz’s plan is complicated when new girl Mack decides to run for prom queen also…and ends up running away with Liz’s heart.

War Girls by Onyebuchi, Tochi.  Ages 12 and up. Science Fiction/Afro-Futurism. Both MCs are Nigerian, one is a WLW. In a not-so-distant future, climate change and nuclear disasters have made much of the earth unlivable. In the midst of war in Nigeria, two sisters, Onyii and Ify, are torn apart and face two very different futures. As their lives progress through years of untold violence and political unrest, battles with deadly mechs and cyborg soldiers outfitted with artificial limbs and organs, they are brought together again and again and must come to terms with how the war has impacted their lives.

When We Were Magic by Gailey, Sarah. Ages 14 and up. Contemporary Fantasy. MC is a white bi/questioning girl with gay dads, her friends are racially, ethnically, and queerily diverse. This firecracker of a novel follows a group of friends who attempt to correct the accidental murder of a classmate. When We Were Magic combines magic, friendship, and awkward moments to create a captivating story. Each character brings their own uniqueness to the strong group of friends, but despite their differences, their loyalty remains. Author Sarah Gailey has written another page turning novel, with the quirky strange content to boot.

[dailytomlinson]

At the stroke of midnight on January 31st, 2020, the music industry was single-handedly saved by just a young lad from Doncaster. We can all agree, in confidence, that the majority of artists won’t top the charts with their first LP, especially with little to no promo. “Walls” however, debuted at #1 on the worldwide iTunes charts, a feat not many will come by. Judging by its success, we can rightfully assume this album could be rather magical. Just over a month into the decade, I can happily testify that this may be one of the greatest pieces of work we’ll see over the span of the next 10 years. The only record I may allow to top it, will be Tomlinson’s sophomore album, which is fair to speculate will have a little less fan service and show a little more of the grunge britpop rockstar that Louis is dying to showcase.

Oh, this guy’s from One Direction, too. It’s a fact that doesn’t need to be honed in on, but in case you aren’t familiar with his older work, the UK-based band is where he found his origin story. Though hopefully after giving these tracks a listen, we’ll all be able to start celebrating him as the solo artist he was destined to become.

Kill My Mind

You hate me and I want more.

Perhaps I wasn’t alive during majority of the Britpop Movement of the 90s, but I can wholeheartedly say that if you played this opening track for anyone familiar with the genre, they would tell you it would feel right at home as a feature on one of Oasis’ final LPs or as a single brought to us by Blur. However, that is not to say it lacks originality. In fact, far from it. His thick Yorkshire accent demands your attention right off the bat. This song is confident, it’s loud, it’s sexy, it’s everything his loyal fanbase has been patiently waiting to see arise from the musician. It’s a different Tomlinson than the general public may be accustomed to, but it’s a perfect example of an artist finding their authentic self. The electric opener, Kill My Mind gives us a little tease as to what’s to come.

Don’t Let It Break Your Heart

What hurts you is gonna pass and you’ll have learned from it when it comes back.

After careful consideration, this may be the album’s weakest link. It draws on a bit of the pop-influence his previous audiences may be more familiar with. Previously, Louis released a single-edit and a piano version. The one featured on the album, is by far the most well mixed. It’s filled with beautiful harmonies and the layered vocals have a lot of potential. The message of this song is uplifting, about overcoming hardships with grace and allowing yourself to grow from them — A theme not uncommon in Louis’ writing or general life philosophy. Always the lyricist, coming from him, this message works and it works beautifully into the melodies of the song. My main issue comes down to production. The background vocals are choppy and make the general feeling of the song a little cheesy. Ultimately, it all just sounds forced. I can say however, experiencing this song live is a different story. Some songs are meant to be played live, and this just happens to be one of them.

Two of Us

We’ll end just like we started, just you and me, and no one else.

The lead single was one Louis himself proclaimed needed to be written, or else his other art would suffer from being insincere. “I just feel like musically, I almost needed to get this song off my chest,” He recently told Rolling Stone, “People say writing is a part of therapy and in a way, I feel like I’d been avoiding writing this song because I knew I only had one chance to get it right.” For those who may be unaware, at the start of his solo career, Louis tragically lost his mother, the person he was closest with, to leukemia. Out of respect to him, I won’t dwell on this, and it does feel fairly inconsiderate to put the piece under review, per say. I will, however, assert that it is a stunningly orchestrated song. You can feel the authenticity and honesty radiate from the words he’s singing, especially in the big build up of the chorus in comparison to the heart wrenching and softly sung outro. It’s rare we find artists who are proud to wear their hearts on their sleeves and speak with true openness. Each song is an example of this, but Two of Us broadcasts this vulnerability loudly, as he gives us an anthem of accepting that you’re grieving and reminding listeners to always hold onto hope.

We Made It

Nothing in the world that I would change it for, singing something pop-y on the same four chords.

Yes, she’s corny, yes her lyrics might not be up to standard with the rest of his work, and yes, she is my favorite song on the album. We Made It, is filled to the rim with nostalgia and embracing that although the tunnel was dark, there was in the end, a light. For anyone who has grown up with Louis and supported him through all the twists and turns of his decade long career, this song could be a celebration of us and our relationship with our favorite musician. There were always struggles along the way, but we, as fans, never turned our back on him. We were there for him when he needed us to lean on. The sentiment remains when reversed. Ultimately, whatever we needed, he was able to provide. It’s easy to see how much of a team Louis and his followers are, and this song is honoring that. If you’re less familiar with the singer himself, then this track is just a fun little guitar-driven song that reminisces those nights of getting smashed and blazed out of your mind with your young love, and what’s wrong with that?

Too Young

Face to face at the kitchen table, this is everything I’ve waited for.

Every album needs a song to cry to, and for Walls, this is the one. There aren’t too many complexities here, as Louis has said he generally likes to stray away from metaphors when he can. The calm strumming of the acoustic guitar, lends itself beautifully to the track, and never overpowers Louis’ voice. Vocally, this a huge example of a myriad of Louis’ strengths. It contrasts some of the heavily belted pieces we hear later on in the album, and focuses on the softness he’s able to convey in his killer range of a chest voice. His raspy tone demonstrates a certain intimacy. When the song is listened to through headphones with your eyes closed, it almost feels as if Louis is right there on your bedside, gently playing a personal piece he had just written and trusts you enough to perform it for you first. There’s a certain amount of emotional intelligence demonstrated in this song, as he never pulls the victim card, but instead takes the mature approach of admitting to where he’s gone wrong. This notion is used a lot in his writing, and is a sure telling of his character. This catchy little ballad wouldn’t feel out of place on albums of most genres, musically lacking some originality, which is made up for with the candor and polish in his vocals.

Walls

Why is it that “thank-you” is so often bittersweet?

Objectively speaking, this is the most well crafted track on the album. Perhaps even more Oasis-y than some Oasis hits, it even earned itself a writing credit from Noel Gallagher himself. By now, we are more than well accustomed to embracing Louis’ themes of overcoming barriers (or walls). It’s something he writes about often, and why shouldn’t he? He knows what it’s like to stand above what’s been dragging you down more than anyone. The most titular lyric opens and closes the tune, proclaiming, “Nothing wakes you up, like waking up alone.” As soon as you’re hit with this, you know you’re listening to a song which dares the audience to take the musician earnestly. Louis has always been the funny one who has chosen to never take himself too seriously in life. With his music, he had a hard time at the start, choosing to put out records which defined Top 40, but never himself. Walls forces us to accept the artist he’s become. It proves to every listener, that Louis Tomlinson is a musician, a lyricist, a vocalist; a true craftsman. He is a serious artist and this salient track forces us, for once, to accept him as one.

Habit

Took some time cause I ran out of energy, of playing someone I’ve heard I’m supposed to be.

Back in February of 2018, Louis teased this lyric on his twitter, sending fans into a frenzy of when and where this sentiment might come into play. In September of last year, he finally played it for us live. This live version of the song was a complete bore. Again, Louis’ biggest asset in his music may come from his lyrics. He wrote more songs for One Direction than any of the other boys, often partnering with Liam Payne who would work on the melodies, while Louis focused on cutting deep with his words. This is more than evident here, meaning any initial fondness of this song was independently due to the verses he was singing. When the album finally hit stands and we were able to hear the studio version, I have to say, my opinion on this absolute banger changed drastically. It may be a little controversial to say, but this song might have some “Yeehaw” vibes. If you played someone the opening, before his vocals take the forefront, it would’ve been fair to assume it was a Maren Morris hit. Country/Britpop/Indie isn’t exactly something I would ever even consider diving into, but let me tell you, this certified bop has been on repeat. Here’s to hoping him and his band can put together a new live arrangement before the world tour kicks off in March.

Always You

Waiting to wrap your legs around me, and I know you hate to smoke without me.

To be blunt, this song was a fan service. If it wasn’t for Louis’ persistent stans, this track may have been ditched months ago. However, when he gave us a glimpse of the songs upbeat opening lyric three years ago, we latched onto it. For years we bombarded Louis, telling him this song needed to stay on the record, and thank God he listened. He did realize partway through the writing process that this isn’t the sort of music he would like to put out anymore, so it may not resonate with someone looking for the more grungy side of the artist. Always You is almost pure bubblegum and it sounds like it should be radiating loudly off festival speakers. The tune will be a crowd-pleaser, and will surely bring the most hype for live audiences. It’s the sort of song you want to scream out while drunk on a rooftop in the summer atop the ocean in New York City, which is exactly what myself and approximately 6800 more fans will be doing this June.

Fearless

Cash in your weekend treasures, for a suit and tie, a second wife.

God damn is Fearless sexy. The slow and pulsing beat of this song, with the organic guitar, subtle production, and his sultry voice are a recipe for a great and sensual tune. The song was written with the inspiration of feeling youthful, and teaches what to center your sense of self-worth around. There’s a certain level of maturity that comes with a song of these intentions, and in that, Louis is able to showcase his ever growing wisdom. “What I wanted to try and capture with the song is the idea of feeling youthful and how important that is,” He recently said in an interview with Apple Music, “I’m at this age where I’m on the cusp — I’m definitely not a teenager, I’m not a young lad anymore, nor am I old, but I sit in this space where I’m aware of my age now. I hear it as a playground or going back to real youth.”

Perfect Now

Don’t you wanna dance? Just a little dance?

On release day, Louis did a signing, where he bravely asked a few fans what their least favorite track on the album was. Everyone said Perfect Now, earning them a high five from the man himself as well as his genuine agreement. While many look at it as a cheesy romantic love song, masquerading as a rejected early One Direction track, mirroring Little Things or What Makes You Beautiful, I wholeheartedly disagree. It’s easy to chalk it down to being “cheesy” when you approach it as being romantic, but if you look at it as, simply, a love song, that changes the perspective. Louis sings over an appealing and charming little guitar melody, and you can almost hear his smile. It’s easy to picture him singing this to his younger sisters as a piece of brotherly encouragement, or to a good friend who needs cheering up after a hard day. This darling melody invites you to dance around your bedroom feeling loved. Perfect Now proves that not everything has to be deep and serious; allow yourself to be open to simply feeling happy over the little things like a lyric that makes you smile. When in the chorus he prompts, “Keep your head up, love,” listeners can’t help but feel a sense of personal support from the artist, which is exactly what makes this song so special.

Defenseless

We’re sleeping on our problems like we’ll solve them in our dreams.

It’s understandable why Louis likes to stray from metaphors in his writing, because generally speaking, they simply aren’t good. This is proven with lyrics such as, “I’m running to you like a moth into a flame”. As well as this, the rhyming of “defenseless” with “fences” and then “defenseless” again, doesn’t exactly sit well. The song does grow to be much better than anticipated after the first verse. The pre-chorus has a strong beat, which you’ll find yourself accidentally clapping along to in public. The bridge allows Louis to explore his falsetto, which is something we’ve never heard from him before. It’s strong and poignant, and it’s a real shame that his old band never gave him the opportunity to use his voice in all its capabilities. The control Louis has over his vocals throughout this song is astonishing, and almost unheard of in most modern music outside of musical theatre. This track alone, proves that he is one of the most vocally gifted artists not only to come out of One Direction, but to come out of the last decade at all.

Only the Brave

It’s a church of burnt romances and I’m too far gone to pray.

The lyrics to this song are borderline poetry. Each and every word draws you in and leaves you speechless. It’s a short song, ending at one minute and forty-four seconds, and that works well. It leaves us wanting more, even when we’ve reached the very end of the whole experience. The tune feels like a mantra; something to sing to yourself as you prepare for something you’re nervous about or to congratulate yourself on completing a task you never thought you could accomplish. There’s no proper structure and his voice has a retro filter over top, giving the whole thing a bit of a wartime vibe. The most powerful moment is undoubtedly when he sings, “It’s a solo song, and it’s only for the brave,” as a way of patting himself on the back for where he is now in life and in his career. It’s the perfect way to bring home the album. After 12 tracks demonstrating it, it is proven to us that he doesn’t need his ex-bandmates, he doesn’t need a big production, he doesn’t need Simon Cowell, he doesn’t need other songwriters dictating what direction to go, because he is Louis Tomlinson and he is brave.

[anaheraimaaka]

Jet Away

17 left school booked a 1-way flight to Gold Coast, Australia.

Fake ID, grow up, glow up, party, drugs, sex. 18 in love, the game, the game, play, have fun, be free, wild out, friendship, heartbreak, pain, inescapable hurt, get me out.

Shifting and shaping, exploring the surrounding, interacting, observing and indulging in new culture, people, drama, mind broadening and life altering substances, lifestyle.

The chaos drew me in and away I went, curious and hungry, I had a lust for life and all the drama it brought with it.

You

No good from the start but when a lesson is ignored it only becomes reoccurring and ongoing.

My flat, back yard, party.

Tattoos, all over, it’s you, eyes, eyes, smile, first moment, your laugh, just dropped, coming up, I feel you, steps closer, heart faster.

The introduction.

Quick hi, phone out ignore you.

The pull strong from the start. Lure, chase, dance floor, hello, next moment, you know, the bathroom we go.

It was thrill from the start, perhaps the perfect balance of excitement, growth and heartbreak in one. A love that held my hand through the reflection of damaged love from way back.

This relationship was the beginning of understanding the true impacts of my childhood trauma.

Trying to figure out the correlation between childhood and relationships in adulthood?

Third ingredient: BELIEF SYSTEMS

Your perception of the most impactful, reinforced and reoccurring events that have taken place throughout your childhood are the template you download for your future interactions.

The way you were treated and spoken to as a child are the creation, the moulding of your belief systems in how you are taught you deserve to be treated, spoken to and interacted with.

The way your whānau dealt with and handled conflict and confrontation The way your whānau celebrated their wins, their high moments

Once having these standards, morals and values modelled to you throughout childhood by your guardians, community, peers, toward one another and toward you, we then go out in to the big world and create interactions that affirm our belief systems we have downloaded through observation of interaction and surrounding.

I learned everyone you interact with, you do because you believe they are worthy of your time. Whether that is consciously or not, willingly or begrudgingly, you make the choice to interact with these people. Once your belief systems is upgraded through consciously redesigning and setting intention and laws of interaction to protect your energy and space, you will notice people shift in to and out of your life to appropriately reflect your belief system.

Your way of being starts to shift, you begin reinforcing laws of interaction and standard of yourself, toward yourself. You are moving from a space where you respect others and require others to respect you. Building the ability to trust yourself to reinforce your new belief systems of how you deserve to be treated and interacted with. Once you can trust yourself to reinforce your laws, you release the need to move from a space of survival, habit and fear - to trust, instinctual and knowledge of self - I am the creator of my reality knowledge.

In this sense, you attract those who reflect you. (Me:) Who naturally abide and carry themselves with pride through their flow of morals and value, the slick, intelligent, well gathered, leader type. Bumping paths, tangled in telepathy I hear you thinking of me, I feel your intentions, I see what I do to you.

Gaylord

The confusion caused by the friction of craving someone who is loud and clear no good for me, took over me, altered me, it overwhelmed me.

My first heartbreak, my first love

You stimulated growth, a shift in perception, deeper understanding of life, stronger sense of self, resilience and a big fuck off blue print to what I don’t want my future relationships to look like

We grew, we crashed, we burned. You were the first man to have me close, and I was the first lady to get that close

Head on the highway, dropping molly swimming with dolphins, motorbikes, speed, adventure, drama, thrill, sex, love, lust, sex, sex, tears, laughs, drugs, party, growing, crash, fall, get up, understand me, help me, save me, love me.

We both entered the relationship unknowingly broken and bruised from life before the night you walked in and we changed everything – butterfly effect

The more I needed you by my side, the more my curiosity grew as to what it was you had, that I couldn’t provide myself, why did I compromise my self- worth, break my own vows to keep you around?

My subconscious mind weighed up the impact of pain, having you near or far? The lesser pain was enduring your causal pain toward me, the after effects of that, whilst having you close – a love suicide if you will.

I shifted in to a new space of self-awareness shining focus on my self- sabotaging choices and how I was putting myself in harms way to keep you near. As I type this section, I hear my past disappointment and judgment echoing to the forefront of my mind over the desperation and weakness I held for you.. I felt weak and desperate for your love, forever in efforts to escape the emptiness that became apparent when your distraction separated from my space for the brief moments of time. We turned to the game of distraction, the game of promiscuity, and what a fun game that was – we played that quite well didn’t we, together and solo.. very raunchy baby.

DISCLAIMER: I do not encourage, nor do I condone the following behaviour.

I was out for the evening with the ladies; Edward and I had recently separated. I was drunk and had been calling him; he wouldn’t answer and kept hanging his line up. I decided to take off home, I was far too intoxicated and the alcohol enhanced my desire to be with Edward again (perhaps the following decision will indicate the level of intoxication or crazy, you decide), I get a taxi to Edward’s apartment and pay the driver $20 to lift me up on to the apartments first story roof, telling him “I’ve lost my keys and need help getting through the side sliding door” – I’m convinced at this point Edward was with someone else, so I’m mentally and drunkenly preparing myself to confront a lady to leave the house so I can get some sleep. I do remember saying aloud “you know what, I won’t be a dick – she can get on the couch..” laughing out loud at my generosity and consideration.

I flip and fall over the rail, get to the side sliding door, fling that shit open – the rooms empty. I vomit in the toilet, have a shower, get in to bed and crash out.

Couple hours later..

I rise, it’s daylight, my eyes open, groggy as shit, head is pounding, I realize where the fuck I am, get out of bed, still drunk, in full fucking panic mode, calling a taxi, making the bed, cleaning his space before he rocks on home and asks wtf I’m doing and how.. so I rax an outfit and his slippers and away I go.

An example of ‘where there is a will, there is a way’.

A few weeks later we were texting I told him the above, he didn’t believe me – I asked, “where are your slippers?”

The pain, the emptiness you feel when someone’s position within your life is no longer, is not the absence of themselves from your life, but the reflection of space within that is requiring your awareness, your time, your focus, attention, empathy, it’s a space that requires your nurturing care.

Can one really take away from you? Or is that an illusion? Maybe the idea that anything is missing from you at any point in time is an illusion.

I believed you were my one, my other half, always asking myself how much bullshit must a couple go through before they both submitted to the comfort and safety of together forever – an idea inconceivable to the broken and uncommitted – us.

Still 4 years in to our love tornado of bullshit, you asked and I screamed “yes”

Both knowing deep within - it’s never going to work we packed our lives up in Gold Coast and flew to Melbourne.

Trapped in my mind were the events of you fucking around leaving me the unwanted gift of Chlamydia

Trapped in your mind was Anahera on her knees loving on batman in her workplace changerooms

We’d damaged the sacred waters between you and I long before you asked “Baby will you marry me”.

3 weeks in to Melbourne, life brought us to a crossroad and we decided lets escape this horror of confusion – you cheated.. again – I thought fuck this.. again. Packed my shit and embarked seriously (this time) on a journey of letting you go and finding myself entirely. Honestly, a path I had been preparing myself for since months in to us dating – never gathering the courage to leave on my own terms I awaited your last fuck up knowing that would excuse me from this relationshit

And that was that

I drove away from 4 years of bullshit and innocent love of two brokens trying to fix and distract the pain that became more apparent when we were separate – when we were alone. I had to figure this shit out – life without the love of my life.. so far

I start this book off with my first heartbreak because life up until that point was about not feeling the hurt I had endured prior to life with Edward

Never did I want to look at or think about the emotional and mental effects of the sexual abuse, physical violence, drug and alcohol abuse that unveiled itself throughout childhood

My heartbreak was the first force of feeling, an inescapable hurting I needed to cure in order to stop. Edward broke my heart at the start of our relationship – the following 4 years consisted of me running back and forth between myself and Edward. Could I do this? Could I not?

I did it, and in feeling this heartbreak was a gateway opened for me to feel the rest of mamae I had buried within, never having had the safe space within to unpack my hurt. I had a new found knowledge of self that allowed me the emotional intelligence to navigate myself through life and the shit it had put in my path to cultivate the strong, brave, courageous and intelligent lady I am today.

[gra-sonas]

Down to Earth With Tyler Blackburn

I‘ve never met Tyler Blackburn before—except that I have. Maybe it would be more accurate to say I’ve met versions of Tyler Blackburn. I’ve spent time with the actor on multiple occasions while covering his TV series Pretty Little Liars, the soapy teen-centered murder mystery that regularly generated more than a million tweets throughout its seven-season run. Just two weeks ago I reconnected with him in a lush meadow of flowering mustard outside Angeles National Forest, the site of his PLAYBOY photo shoot. But the Tyler Blackburn I’m meeting today at his home in the Atwater Village neighborhood of Los Angeles is in many ways an entirely different man.

When he greets me at the front door, Blackburn is relaxed, barefoot and still wearing what appears to be bed head. His disposition is unmistakably freer—lighter—than it’s been during our previous encounters. Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised by this. Six days earlier the 32-year-old actor came out publicly as bisexual in an online interview with The Advocate.

The announcement is clearly at the forefront of his mind as we sit down at his dining room table.

Almost immediately he starts to gush about the positive, and at times overwhelming, feedback he has received over the past few days. Within minutes he’s in tears. He tries to lighten the mood with a self-effacing quip, but now I’m in tears too. Then he tells me he can’t remember my question.

I haven’t even asked one yet, I reply.

“It just makes me feel, Wow, the world’s a little bit safer than I thought it was,” Blackburn says.

The most affecting response he’s received thus far has been from his father, whom Blackburn didn’t meet until he was five years old. Although he avoids offering any more details about that early chapter, he says, “Feeling like I’m a little bit different always made me wonder if he likes me, approves of me, loves me. He called, and it was just every single thing you would want to hear from your dad: ‘That was a bold move. I’m so proud of you.’ It was wild.”

Blackburn can’t pinpoint the exact moment he knew he was bisexual but says he was curious from the age of 16. It wasn’t until two years ago, though, that he decided to approach his publicity team about coming out publicly. At that point, Pretty Little Liars had wrapped, and the actor was without a job. So Blackburn and his team agreed they needed to hold off on making an announcement until his career was stable again. The lack of resolution weighed on him. “A year ago I was in a very bad place,” he says, adding that he has struggled with depression and anxiety. “I didn’t know what my career was going to be or where it was going. My personal life—my relationship with myself—was in a really bad place.” His casting on the CW’s Roswell, New Mexico, adapted from the same Melinda Metz book series as the WB’s 1999 cult favorite Roswell, seems to have come at the right time. Blackburn portrays Alex, a gay Army veteran whose relationship with Michael, a bisexual alien, has attracted legions of “Malex” devotees since the show’s January debut. Roswell, New Mexico has already been renewed for a second season—a feat for any series in this era of streaming, let alone one involving gay exophilia. Playing a character whose queerness has been so widely embraced by fans no doubt nudged Blackburn closer to revealing his truth for the first time since becoming an actor 15 years ago. (As he told The Advocate, “I’m so tired of caring so much. I just want to…feel okay with experiencing love and experiencing self-love.”) Still, he was somewhat reluctant. His hesitation was rooted in the fact that he wouldn’t be able to control what came next: the social pressures that often come with being one of the first—in his case, one of the first openly bisexual male actors to lead a prime-time television series. “If you stand for this thing, and you say it publicly, there’s suddenly the expectation of ‘Now your job is this,’ ” he says. “Even if someone’s like, ‘Now you’re going to go be the spokesperson’—well, no. If I don’t want to, I don’t want to. And that doesn’t mean I’m a half-assed queer.” Full disclosure: I previously wrote for a Pretty Little Liars fan site. In 2012 I published a listicle that ranked the show’s hottest male characters. Blackburn cracks up when I tell him this and wants to know whether he bested Ian Harding, his former co-star. After I inform him that his character (hacker with a heart of gold Caleb Rivers) finished second behind Harding’s (Ezra Fitz, a student-dating teacher) I promise to organize a recount. The always-modest Blackburn concedes that Harding is the rightful winner. (If anyone ever compiles a BuzzFeed article titled “Most Embarrassing Moments for Former Bloggers,” I’ll be offended if I’m not in the mix.)

Blackburn makes it clear that he has not always been comfortable with his status as a teen heartthrob. Knowing he was queer made it “hard to embrace it and enjoy it.” Growing up, he was bullied for being perceived as effeminate and was frequently subjected to slurs and homophobic jokes. He describes himself as a late bloomer who took longer than usual to shed his baby fat. He didn’t have many friends, nor did he date much in high school. A lifelong fan of musical theater and the performing arts, Blackburn signed with a Hollywood management company at the age of 17. His team at the time warned him that projecting femininity would hinder his success. An especially painful moment came after he’d auditioned for a role as a soldier and the producers wrote back that Blackburn had seemed “a little gay.” “Those two managers were so twisted in their advice to me,” Blackburn says. “They just said, ‘We don’t care if you are, but no one can know. You can’t walk into these rooms and seem gay. It’s not gonna work.’ I remember the shame, because I’ve been dealing with the feeling that I’m not a normal boy for my entire life.” After landing a recurring role on Days of Our Lives in 2010, Blackburn scored his big break when he appeared midway through the first season of Pretty Little Liars. “I was in Tyler’s first scene, so I got to be one of the first to work with him,” Shay Mitchell, who starred opposite Blackburn, tells PLAYBOY. “Right away, I knew he was special. Since the day I met him, Tyler always struck me as very authentic and very true to himself.” Fans instantly adored his on-screen love affair with Hanna Marin, played by Ashley Benson. The pair became known as “Haleb,” and Blackburn went on to win three Teen Choice Awards—surfboard trophies that solidify one’s status as a teen idol—in categories including Choice TV: Chemistry.

According to Blackburn, during the show’s seven years on the air, he and Benson bonded over their mutual distaste for the tabloid stardom that comes with headlining a TV phenomenon lapped up by teens. Today he fondly reflects on their on-camera chemistry. “It felt good,” he says. “It felt real.” Of course, rumors swirled that the pair’s romance was actually quite real. “We never officially dated,” he tells me. “In navigating our relationship—as co-workers but also as friends—sometimes the lines blurred a little. We had periods when we felt more for each other, but ultimately we’re good buds. For the most part, those rumors made us laugh. But then sometimes we’d be like, ‘Did someone see us hugging the other night?’ She was a huge part of a huge change in my life, so I’ll always hold her dear.” Blackburn also shares a unique connection with Mitchell outside their friendship. Similar to what Blackburn is now experiencing with Roswell, Mitchell was embraced by the LGBTQ community for playing a lesbian character, Emily Fields, whose same-sex romances on Pretty Little Liars were among the first on ABC Family (the former name of the Freeform network). Over the years, Blackburn had come out to select members of the Pretty Little Liars cast and crew, including creator I. Marlene King. But as the show approached its swan song, he started to recognize how hiding a part of himself was negatively affecting his life. He entered his first serious relationship with a man while filming the show’s final season. Not knowing how to tell co-workers—or whether to, say, invite his boyfriend to an afterparty—caused him to “go into a little bit of a shell” on the set.

“My boyfriend was hanging out with me at a Pretty Little Liars convention, and some of the fans were like, ‘Are you Tyler’s brother?’ ” Blackburn says. “He was very patient, but then afterward he was like, ‘That kind of hurt me.’ It was a big part of why we didn’t work out, just because he was at a different place than I was. Unfortunately, we don’t really talk anymore, but if he reads this, I hope he knows that he helped me so much in so many ways.” At that, Blackburn tearfully excuses himself and takes a private moment to regain his composure. “I never remember a time when I didn’t enjoy being with him,” says Harding, Blackburn’s former co-star. He says he saw the actor “start to become the person he is now when we worked together” but believes Blackburn needed to first come to terms with the idea that he could become “the face” of bisexuality. “Tyler’s discovering a way to bring real meaning with his presence in the world,” Harding says, “as an actor and as a whole human.”

Once the teenage Blackburn realized he was attracted to guys, he began “experimenting” with men while taking care not to become too emotionally attached. “I just didn’t feel I had the inner strength or the certainty that it was okay,” he says. It wasn’t until a decade later, at the age of 26, that he began to “actively embrace my bisexuality and start dating men, or at least open myself up to the idea.” He says he’s been in love with two women and had great relationships with both, but he “just knew that wasn’t the whole story.” 

He was able to enjoy being single in his 20s in part because he wasn’t confident enough in his identity to commit to any one person in a relationship. “I had to really be patient with myself—and more so with men,” he says. “Certain things are much easier with women, just anatomically, and there’s a freedom in that.” He came out of that period with an appreciation for romance and intimacy. Sex without an emotional component, he discovered, didn’t have much appeal. “As I got older, I realized good sex is when you really have something between the two of you,” says Blackburn, who’s now dating an “amazing” guy. “It’s not just a body. The more I’ve realized that, the more able I am to be settled in my sexuality. I’m freer in my sexuality now. I’m very sexual; it’s a beautiful aspect of life.” Blackburn has, however, felt resistance from the LGBTQ community, particularly when bisexual women have questioned his orientation. “Once I decided to date men, I was like, Please just let me be gay and be okay with that, because it would be a lot fucking easier. At times, bisexuality feels like a big gray zone,” he says. (For example, Blackburn knows his sexuality may complicate how he becomes a father.) “I’ve had to check myself and say, I know how I felt when I was in love with women and when I slept with women. That was true and real. Don’t discredit that, because you’re feeding into what other people think about bisexuality.” He clearly isn't the first rising star who's had to deal with outside opinions of how to handle his Hollywood coming-out. I spoke to Brianna Hildebrand just before the release of 2018's smash hit Deadpool 2, and she explained that she had previously met with publicists who had offered to keep her sexuality under wraps, even though the actress herself had never suggested this. Meanwhile, ahead of the launch of last fall's Fantastic Beasts sequel, Ezra Miller told me that he's "been in audition situations where sexuality was totally being leveraged."

Fortunately for Blackburn, his recent experiences with colleagues have largely been supportive ones. He came out to Roswell, New Mexico showrunner Carina Adly Mackenzie when he first arrived in N.M. to shoot the pilot but after he had earned the role of Alex, which for him was the ideal sequence. "I think he takes the responsibility of being queer in the public eye very seriously, and waiting to come out was just about waiting until he was ready to share a private matter—not about being dishonest to his fans," Mackenzie tells PLAYBOY. "I have always known how important Alex is to Tyler, and I know that Tyler trusts me to do right by him, ultimately, and that’s really special." Blackburn finds it funny that he’s known for young-skewing TV shows; the question is, What might define him next? He’s grateful for his career, but he grew up wanting to make edgy dramas like the young Leonardo DiCaprio. He also cites an admiration for Miller, the queer actor who plays the Flash. “I most definitely want to be a fucking superhero one day,” Blackburn says a bit wistfully. His path to cape wearing does look more tenable. The day before his Advocate interview was posted, he booked a lead role in a fact-based disaster-survival film opposite Josh Duhamel. Blackburn jokes that his movie career was previously nonexistent, though his résumé features such thoughtful indie fare as 2017’s vignette-driven Hello Again. There, he plays a love interest to T.R. Knight, who tells PLAYBOY that Blackburn “embraces the challenge to stretch and not choose the easy path.” For now, Blackburn’s path appears to be just where he needs it to be. “I may never want to be a spokesperson in a huge way, but honestly, being truthful and authentic sets a great example,” he says. “To continue on a path of fulfillment and happiness is going to make people feel like they too can have that and it doesn’t need to be some spectacle.” As it turns out, he may already be a superhero.

- Playboy

[pedanticat]

Marco Diaz Wasted Character Development

Over the course of the series, there have been a couple of characters who have come a long way from their season one version om Star vs the Forces of Evil. Star went from an irresponsible teen who could care less about her royal title to someone who used said title to fix the strained relations between monsters and mewmans, Tom went from jealous ex with anger issues who couldn’t let go of Star to a more laid back guy who accepted that he needs to find someone who actually makes him happy and Buff Frog went from an evil minion of Ludo’s to  becoming a proud and loving father. However, there’s one character who hadn’t fully developed despite being at the forefront of the series right with Star and that character is none other than Marco Diaz. Now you may be confused as to why I think Marco hasn’t developed as a character, after all, he has come a long way from the safe kid he was back in season one. Now while it is true that the Marco we have now is much different from the version we had in season one, I wouldn’t call his development necessarily great.

What I really liked about Marco character  when the show first started was how he was able to fight side by side with Star. Despite being a regular human who has lived a normal life, he was able to go toe to toe with monsters and magical creatures due to his training in karate. Season one and two really focuses on the fact that Marco is a skilled martial artist and take pride in his combat skill with him also aiming to become a better fighter such as in the episode Red Belt where he seeks to move on from a green belt to a red belt. Marco also became more confident, less insecure and more daring as the show went on, which was expected given how it was an obvious direction for his character to go in given how we’re told he's known as the safe kid at Echo Creek Academy. However, the biggest misstep in Marco development was the episode Running With Scissors.

Running with Scissors was a good episode when it first came out with many people, myself included, enjoying it. Though as you can tell from my previous paragraph, my thoughts have changed since then. The episode mainly focused on Marco getting back Star scissors by blowing out Hekapoo flame. After 16 years of traveling, maturing and hardcore training, he tracks down the real Hekapoo, blows out the flame and even gets his own pair of scissors. Now he ends up going to Earth due to Star convincing him that he should come back with him then reverting back to his 14-year-old self.  The episode ends on this somber note with Marco realizing he doesn't even remember the password for his laptop before deciding to take the laser puppies out on a walk. With how the episode ended, it seemed to implied that after traveling 16 years through various dimensions, that he’s no longer the same person anymore and things are going to be different. Yet that wasn’t the case at all and the whole plot point about his 16 years of travel was basically abandoned and never brought up again. In the second Marco Diaz live stream that aired a while after the episode, it’s revealed that’s Marco memory of the sixteen years in Hekapoo's dimension are slowly becoming like a hazy dream or an old childhood memory. Now while this line did make the episode pointless in hindsight, I didn’t really mind since the episode was still a fun one and it showed how determined Marco could be when he put his mind to something. So I continued to enjoy the rest of season 2 without giving the 16-year plot thread any serious thought. However, despite it at the time seems like the episode wouldn’t’ really be important later on in the series, it ended up affecting Marco development in season 3 and 4. 

Season 3 shifts the focus from Earth to Mewni, which resulted in Marco moving to Mewni also where he became Star’s squire. Now Marco becoming a squire was an interesting idea and we’re told that he has participated in activities with other squire’s. Now, this is where we enter the first road bump with Marco character development: we don’t his journey from squire into becoming a full-fledged knight. He’s made a squire in Lint Catcher and then he becomes knighted in Knight Shift with no episodes showing his training as a squire. This was a big moment in Marco character development yet it was never shown and focused on. Just like how we saw Star slowly become better at magic due to episodes focusing on that development, we should have had episodes that showed Marco training in becoming a knight. 

The second road bump that occurs in Marco development as a character is retconning how much Marco remembers from his 16 years of travel. In the episode Divide, he says to Star “You forget I have 16 years of experience fighting thousands of Hekapoos.”. Now I hate this line for two reasons. First, they have him say that instead of saying that he improved as a fighter due to his as his training as a squire, which honestly would have made more sense considering that what he was apparently doing in season 3. And secondly, it contradicts with what we saw from Marco character after the events of Running with Scissors and what Adam McArthur said in the Marco Diaz live stream about him soon forgetting almost everything about the 16 years. By keeping the fact that Marco remembers what he did in those 16 years, the show ended up giving him 16 years of character development without showing any of it! Sure, the same could be said about the Squire plot thread but its worse since instead of months its 16 years of him becoming a more skilled fighter and growing as a person. Furthermore, if he developed in those 16 years, it makes his behavior strange in places since he should technically be more mature, but as we saw in the aftermath of Running with Scissors,  that didn’t seem to be the case at all. Based on that, it makes the staff seem to be very selective about which aspects of Marco character developed from the 16 years of travel and exactly how much he remembers. The problem is particularly noticeable in  A Boy and His DC-700XE since he’s apart of a dragon cycle gang that love going on thrilling rides and doing crazy stunts with the reason Marco is cool and great at it being due to his 16 years of training, which again, wasn’t shown.

Tom and Star development worked because we actually saw them developed as characters in the series. If we didn’t see Star practicing her magic or Tom working on his issues, those arcs wouldn’t feel as satisfying as they ended up being. Marco did have solid on-screen development in season 1 and 2 but the staff then started making a lot of his development in season 3 and 4 ties into things that we never got to see him do. It also doesn't help that he was pushed to the sideline for a good chunk of season 3.  Running with Scissors did more harm than good for Marco character development and started dozens of arguments about his age that I don’t even want to begin to get into. 

[skirplyfe]

Reflections

-

This year began with a trip to Portland with the girl.

A few weeks prior, two of my closest friends from High School overdosed and died days apart from each other. I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety, but at no other time in my collegiate career were these two beasts more prevalent in my everyday life. My days were filled with a sense of dread, emotional instability, crippling panic attacks, and a complete lack of motivation. Getting out of bed was a herculean task at best, as my nights were filled with nightmares and an inability to achieve REM sleep. I was, in short, a complete mess.

All of this, coupled with a myriad of issues that had already plagued the girl and I’s relationship, began to take a toll around this time. There was an unspoken agreement that this trip north was to be our hail Mary attempt at mending whatever issues we had as a couple before she left to work in Southern California.

The first fight of the trip took place two hours into our drive as we crossed the Oregon border. Though the fit was short-lived, the animosity we felt towards one another echoed in the car for the remainder of our drive. I began to drink almost immediately after we arrived in the city, achieving a desired level of intoxication by around 10 that evening. I attempted to hide this from Sabrina.

The next few days followed a cycle of arguments and makeups, both of us attempting to hide our true irritabilities from one another in an effort to both savor the experience of being in a new city and ignore the rapid decay of what we began to realize was never a healthy relationship. The girl hid her emotions under a guise of busywork and tourism, and I, with rigorously scheduled drinking.

As we returned home, there was little conversation in the car. Sabrina slept and I drove, thinking the entire time of how best to approach the conversation I had so masterfully evaded for the last few months.

Through tears, she told me that we could work things out, that if I could just be a man and stop hyper-fixating on the negatives in my life I could be happy. She grew furious that I didn’t cry, asking how someone so emotional could be so cold in a moment like this. I wanted to cry for her, to make her feel better, but I couldn’t. She left early the next morning, making sure to tell me she loved me before departing. I wondered if the absence of feeling could be a feeling.

The spring semester began a few days later, though I paid little attention to anything related to academics. In the days following our return from Portland, it was hard for me to pay attention to anything. Every day felt the same as the last, with minor adjustments of figure and schedule. I scheduled appointments to see a therapist and a psychiatrist.

Each day began the same, with my brain waking before my body, that semi-consciousness that occurs before your eyes open. My mind would assess the state that I had left my body in the night before; dehydrated, sore, lungs filled with tar and liver working overtime. I avoided opening my eyes and letting in the pale morning light, knowing that doing so would allow the entirety of my self-abuse to rear its ugly head. I became apt at grabbing for the bottle of Advil next to my bed and chasing two pills with the water left out the night before. After, a sprint to the bathroom, making sure to turn on the shower and jump right into shock my body into acute consciousness. After a week or so, I was adept at this routine, so long as I could avoid the mirror. I rued the idea of looking into the mirror, as it was my sworn enemy.

I did my best to make it to classes, work, and convince those closest to me that I was fine. For the most part, I think I was pretty successful in the beginning. When people pushed me on certain topics like the breakup or my mental health, I was smart. I’d give them just enough to think I was struggling but maintain a jovial disposition and parry sensitive inquisition with a signature self-deprecating humor. It’s really easy to say how you’re actually feeling to everyone when they think you’re joking. The truth at that point was that I fucking hated myself. I hated that I couldn’t muster up the courage or drive to find anything I found interesting, let alone pursue it. I hated that I was getting fat and not taking care of myself. I hated the lethargy that maintained its presence at the forefront of my psyche. But the thing I hated most was my inability to change the narrative I had written for myself in my own head, that of a self-centered, arrogant, unintelligent bastard. All of this kept up for a couple of months, the weekdays and weekends blurring together in a haze of bad decisions, fueled by a burning desire for self-destruction and a loss of consciousness. I’ve been told I was really fun at parties.

Booze and an assortment of other intoxicating substances became even more of a mainstay then they already had been throughout college. For a short period, I decided that becoming a psychonaut could aid in my quest for redemption. However, I soon found that while mushrooms and LSD are on the safer side of recreational drug use, creating a chasm inside your own mind and hanging out there by yourself may not be the best course of action for a clinically depressed individual.

Eventually, I decided to attempt to sober up, at least a little. Drugs stopped being a mainstay of my group’s consumption, and we all began to invest more of our time into academic pursuits. This was hard for me, as I had completely lacked the motivation to do anything related to school for the last year. Frankly, it’s a miracle I haven’t been put on academic probation. Nevertheless, I did my best to at least attend classes and participate when I could. But then, as things were starting to look a little better, the entire world shut down due to the bitch known as COVID-19, the Novel Coronavirus.

Fuck me was this the worst time for a lockdown to happen. Just as I was beginning to leave my house and change my mindset about both myself and the world around me, it all went to shit. The last two months have been filled with every emotion across the spectrum; rage, depression, anxiety, and uncertainty have permeated through my thoughts on a daily basis. I’m angry at the way leaders and individuals across the country have completely fucked this situation and not given it the credence it deserved. I’m depressed that there’s no time limit to this crisis, and that things that would have light at the end of the tunnel have no concrete date. I’m anxious about school and the fact that I may have to repeat classes due to my inability to light a fire under my ass and do the work on my own volition. And finally, I’m uncertain about everything. Will things change because of this? Will I be able to grow from this experience or be destroyed by it? Will I be able to get a job? Will I be able to keep the job I already have? Is all of this worth it?

All of this being said, the trials and tribulations of the past six months have made me realize something; I have the best fucking group of friends a person could ask for.

I don’t have any close family, and I never really have. Thus, I’ve never really known what being a part of a caring and supportive group is like. The friendships I’ve made over the last three years have changed that entirely though. Never had I been around so many people that make it their priority to lift me up and support me through good times and bad, checking in and supplying me with the strength to carry on day by day. Never have I felt a reason to reciprocate those feelings either, through their emotional generosity I’ve been able to feel capable of empathizing and assisting with their navigation of trauma. As a whole, we’ve grown together throughout this entire experience.

Most of what I’ve written on these three pages may seem as though I’m stuck in a rut, and that my depression and anxiety is getting the best of me. In truth, writing this has really just given me a sense of catharsis, providing me with a checklist of not things that have defeated me in the last 185 days, but traumatic situations and ordeals that I’ve overcome. While I’m far from perfect or even being remotely successful, I’m still here throwing punches at everything life throws my way. I’ll always have bad days, but in turn, I’ll have good ones too. Though it’s hard for me right now to ignore the negatives in my life, it too is hard for me to ignore the positives. That’s progress, and I’ll take it.

[whatisonthemoonarchive]

Rev. Chung Hwan Kwak’s letter (April 22, 2020) Letter to Blessed families, brothers and sisters of the Unification Movement

Beloved Blessed families, brothers and sisters, I hope that God’s love and divine protection may always be with you and your families. As we celebrate Reverend Sun Myung Moon, True Father’s 100th birthday in 2020, I pray the unique experiences and moments you had with Father on earth can feel even more alive and become the catalyst and motivation for your lives. Today, I am sending what could be my last letter to you with a very desperate heart. At this moment, I can’t merely stand by looking at the sad situation our Unification Movement is in. Especially when I think of how today True Father’s lifelong achievements for the realization of God’s peaceful ideal world should be shining the brightest and when the providential movement he led should be bearing its best fruit. After much thought and consideration, I decided to write this letter. Last spring, on the occasion of the 7th anniversary of True Father’s Seonghwa, I published my book Truth Shall Prevail after a decade of silence. Throughout the entire writing process I was overtaken by a longing for Father and felt sorry towards him. In that book, I testified to the kind of person that True Father was from the perspective of someone who experienced him at the closest position for over 50 years. Furthermore, the book serves as a truthful historical and factual record of the situation I witnessed amid the confusion that took place in the Unification Movement for the last 10 years. When I heard that many Blessed family members were able to open their eyes to the truth and gained the courage to start over again through reading that book, I sincerely prayed that the book can serve to comfort Father and that it may become a light that guides the Unification Movement in the right direction. Meanwhile, around that time last year I participated in the centennial commemorative celebration of the March 1st movement at the plaza in front of the National Assembly building. I was moved beyond words. One Japanese female NGO activist went on stage and shouted out that she made it this far because she was fascinated by Dr. Hyun Jin Moon’s “Korean Dream”. I could not but feel a surge of excitement. Hyun Jin Nim’s masterful and eloquent speech in front of the National Assembly moved all the honorable guests, including the mayor of Seoul, Won-soon Park. During the event that was being broadcast live nationally, I tried not to get choked up every time I saw Hyun Jin Nim’s image appear on the stage on screen. All I could think of was how happy Father would have been were he alive and watching this scene. Last summer, my wife and the families of my children participated in the Special Blessing Ceremony for the Foundation of Cheon Il Guk officiated by Hyun Jin Nim. We received the great blessing of being able to engraft onto the True Family once again. As our true Abel and elder brother, Hyun Jin Nim forgave the Blessed families that had deserted and persecuted him. He offered this opportunity for Blessed families to participate in that Blessing ceremony, with the hope that they will repent, return, and reconnect to the True Family to walk the path as owners of Cheon Il Guk. This Special Blessing Ceremony for the Foundation of Cheon Il Guk is not a one-off Blessing ceremony event, but rather a process that all Blessed families must go through to atone for their mistakes. Although I can’t explain the entire meaning of it in this letter, I believe you should know that it is of grave providential importance. Last winter there was a very happy occasion in Hyun Jin Nim’s family. One of Hyun Jin Nim’s daughters received the holy wedding with her parents as officiators of the ceremony. In no time, four of Hyun Jin Nim’s nine children established a 3-generation True Family. The day after the holy wedding a group of First and Second-Generation grooms and brides participated in a joint Blessing ceremony with Hyun Jin Nim’s couple as the officiators. Three of my grandchildren also received the Blessing that day. I feel incredible hope seeing Hyun Jin Nim wholly inherit and develop the core mission that Father carried on, advancing internal and external goals abiding by God’s providential standard and the Principle. Considering all the hardship endured over the last 10 years and the situations that took place behind the scenes, it is truly moving and one can only shed tears of gratitude and be thankful to Heaven to see Hyun Jin Nim’s family settle as it has. Overcoming this sacrificial process Hyun Jin Nim’s entire family set the most exemplary precedent and tradition of the True Family before Heaven. Not only that, he also forgave Blessed families and opened the path for them to reconnect to God’s Will and the providence; externally he lay the great foundation of our providential movement for South Korea and the world. Isn’t this the biggest consolation and hope for True Father as he enters his 100th birthday? If there are those among you who are truly concerned for Hyun Jin Nim and are offering jungsung for him, I ask that you have a little bit more courage and approach Hyun Jin Nim’s public letters, prayers, or his official books, such as “Realizing God’s Dream” or “Korean Dream”. Taking it one step further, I earnestly ask you to please check for yourselves directly the type of work he has been doing and the type of life that Hyun Jin Nim has been leading. We used to tell those who unilaterally opposed Father that if they wanted to know who Reverend Sun Myung Moon was, they should go and see for themselves the work that he did. Likewise, if you want to really know what kind of person Hyun Jin Nim is, you will find the answer in the work that he does and the life that he leads. Blessed families, brothers and sisters, Because we are celebrating the 100th birthday and 8th anniversary of True Father’s Seonghwa this year, I see this period as one of great providential transformation. Though the confusion within the Unification Movement reached a climax, from this year it will begin to correct itself faster than you can anticipate. The calls for self-purification will not be heard from Heaven but from earth. That’s because Blessed families who want to protect God’s will and True Father’s achievements will resolutely stand up and their spirit will spread like wildfire. For me, more than anything else, I believe in the removal of all false figures cast upon True Father’s fundamental teachings and great lifetime achievements, so that their original true worth may be shown to the world; and thereby opening a new era that can inspire courage and hope in all people. Hyun Jin Nim will be standing at the forefront of that effort with righteous and determined Blessed families participating together. Some day, as if by fate, the entire Unification Movement will follow the path that they opened for us. If you have properly perceived the big picture of this providential moment—even though we see all sorts of regrettable content one after the other coming from some parts of the Unification Movement today—you will not need to feel disappointment or despair. It’s the phenomenon of disgusting pus oozing and exploding from all the sores and abscesses that the Unification Movement suffered from for a long time. But it’s also a hopeful sign that new skin will grow. This is a process by which the providence is corrected; truth and lies are determined; and Principled and unprincipled acts are clearly differentiated. Therefore, we must move forward with the mentality that we will be the ones to take responsibility over this problem, discerning that which is right and wrong from a principled perspective and from the viewpoint of God’s will and providence. That is what True Father expected of us—it’s the 5% portion of responsibility given to each and every one of us. And it cannot but be the final responsibility of our elder Blessed family members who are entering the final stage of their lives on earth. I recently heard the news that Mother did away with the “Family Federation” and started a new “Heavenly Parents Church”. I see this phenomenon as a clear separation of that which is true and that which is false at the final moment. Looking just at this latest direction from Mother, it is evident that she completely left Father and is walking down a road that goes against God’s providence. Brothers and sisters, how was the Family Federation for World Peace and Unification born and what was the mission of that providential organization? The founding of the Family Federation was considered a great providential shift, so how did the providence change before and after its founding? Did True Father’s passing signify the end of the need for the Family Federation? If we answer these questions correctly, we will understand how Mother’s decision to go on with her “Heavenly Parents Church” is counter-providential. After going through a period of indemnity for 40 years, True Father opened the era of the Completed Testament Age. As the first International President, I remember clearly that Father was so deeply moved when he founded the Family Federation that he took the lead in the preparation for the founding of this providential organization. The reason Father was so moved was not because he established another providential organization among many. It’s because the providential moment for Father to walk the original path that he was supposed to walk as the Messiah, Lord of the Second Coming, True Parent had finally begun after 40 years. The launching of the Family Federation represented the great providential transition from the era of the providence of restoration to the era of the Completed Testament Age: The establishment of a peaceful ideal world centered on God’s ideal family. In other words, it meant the beginning of creating a world of one family under God. More precisely, with the settlement of the True Family, which carries God’s original lineage, all of humanity would engraft on to that True Family and become God’s children of goodness and lineage through the Blessing movement. And the expansion of that Blessing movement would lead to the realization of God’s ideal world. The most important mission that the Family Federation had at that significant turning point of the providence was the Settlement of the True Parents and the True Family, which are the root of God’s providential Movement. In order for the True Family to settle centered on the True Parents, not only do the Three Great Kingships and the Four Great Realms of Heart have to be secured, but the standard of uniting the Cain-type and Abel-type realms has to be achieved. True Father did not desire succession by an institutionalized church system as exists in established religious entities for future generations. As Father tended to ask: If Jesus had direct descendants, would he have bequeathed his crown to his disciples? Father desired for the son that he publicly recognized to inherit the same authority Father held and to continue his messianic mission. In order to set that order and tradition, after recognizing Hyun Jin Nim in 1998, Father announced the Era of Father-Son Cooperation. Father said that in the future even Mother should follow the son that Father recognized then. Not only that, but the Blessed families representing the worldwide Cain-type realm have to become one with the realm of the True Children, especially with the elder son recognized by Father, thereby uniting the Cain-Abel realms. The condition of that Cain-Abel unity is necessary for the Settlement of the True Family, and it is on that basis that Foundation Day can be proclaimed. One other important mission the Family Federation was supposed to achieve was the awakening of humankind’s universal spirituality through the Blessing movement. It was supposed to fulfill the role of educating and guiding people starting from each individual family so that each family could establish a God-centered family fulfilling each family member’s individual portion of responsibility, thereby leading to the expansion of that cultural realm from the tribal level to the nation and to the world. In order to open the providential era prior to the Family Federation, True Father announced the establishment of the Family Pledge on May 1, 1994, he opened the era in which we could report (pray) in our own names, and established the Hoondok tradition. These were radical measures announced by Father one after the other. All of these measures were intimately connected and were meant to be for human beings, who had restored the original parent-child relationship that was intended at Creation, to fulfill their portion of responsibility at the basic family level in the Completed Testament Age. These were traditions that were absolutely necessary to substantially establish God’s ultimate sovereignty on this earth. At the time, as I was honoring True Father’s words, I wondered whether the people leading the Family Federation truly understood the significance of the great providential transition that had taken place. And I could not but seriously question whether they fully carried out their public responsibility and mission. Because if they had properly understood and honored True Father’s will, there would not be the confusion that exists today. Since I was in charge of the Family Federation at the time, I am by no means free from this responsibility. Although externally the Family Federation carried out a variety of activities and increased the number of Blessed families, they only acted as the “Family Federation” in name—leaders desired it to settle as just any other church. The gravest mistake they made was to divinize True Parents and repeat the error that Christianity made towards Jesus. The leaders went as far as to absolutize True Parents and use that concept as a way to maintain their own authority. They made a false framework that ‘any order given from True Parents must absolutely be followed since True Parents are one in body and spirit and are omniscient,’ and took advantage of it treating members like ignorant masses to be exploited. And they especially used this mentality to drive out Hyun Jin Nim, who was their biggest threat. After True Father passed onto spirit world, the leaders propagated the idea that Mother could communicate with Father—asking questions and receiving answers—and that Father and Mother were always connected as one, to make members blindly follow any direction that came from Mother’s mouth. The messiah is a human being and is not a being that knows everything. As a person advances in age normal bodily functions weaken, eventually growing old and sick. It is also the case with one’s mental state. True Father was not an exception to human aging. Because Father was well aware of this point it is said that he told Hyun Jin Nim around 2007 that, “there will come a time when Father is like a child,” and therefore, when that time comes you (Hyun Jin Nim) should go on and take responsibility over everything. The FFWPU leadership promoted that Mother was completely united with Father, and even Mother spoke as if she was asking questions and receiving answers from God Himself. Such claims are completely contrary to the Principle and are a mockery and insult to both God and Father. One can know whether Mother is united with Father, or whether she is one with God’s will by looking at her words and actions. If the leaders really had confidence on this point they would not have promoted it heavily the way they did; and even if Mother didn’t say that she communicated with God and received answers, people would naturally have followed Mother and they would have testified to her being one with God and Father. Although Hyun Jin Nim attempted to reform the Family Federation numerous times after being inaugurated as International Vice-President in 1998, he repeatedly faced opposition and had to experience frustration and setbacks. At one point in 2009, the FFWPU leadership even attempted to drive him away from the Unification Movement—to leave him out in the wilderness. The sin that these FFWPU leaders falsely blamed upon Hyun Jin Nim was that he was a son who disobeyed Father’s direction and that he was a thief who stole public assets. The truly ironic thing is that as these leaders blamed and criticized Hyun Jin Nim, the people of the world recognized Dr. Hyun Jin Moon as the person who fully inherited Rev. Sun Myung Moon’s will and continued on his work. They evaluated Hyun Jin Nim as the person who achieved incredible results to advance Father’s work. I want to sincerely ask you: Who is the person that inherited Father’s authority? And who really usurped Father’s foundation? Who is the person that is truly realizing Father’s will in this era? On December 2, 2017, Hyun Jin Nim inaugurated the Family Peace Association (FPA). Because the Family Federation had strayed from its original mission and it was no longer possible to work with that vehicle, Hyun Jin Nim made this determination. At the inaugural speech of FPA, he said, “for me personally, this inauguration expresses my commitment to continuing my father’s lifelong work.” Today, 3 years after the founding of FPA—considering that Mother is throwing away the Family Federation and changing to her new “Heavenly Parents Church” that has no relevance with the providence—one cannot but be amazed at the mysterious ways in which God’s providence works and at Hyun Jin Nim’s incredible foresight. For members being forced to change their faith onto the Heavenly Parents Church, which is like a spiritual death sentence, the Family Peace Association founded by Hyun Jin Nim is like a lifeboat that came to the rescue. After True Father’s Seonghwa ceremony, Mother changed and eliminated many things he established. Mother changed and distorted the Eight Great Textbooks that Father directly canonized. And she made the Cheon Il Guk constitution as if they were laws of a particular religion, instead of upholding Father’s desire to complete a proper constitution based on the Family Pledge. And there are other examples in which she eliminated Father’s precious achievements overnight. Mother went as far as changing her own identity. In all of human history she was the most precious being because True Father went through a course to re-create her to become True Mother. But she threw away the status of True Mother and reappeared with a new name as the “only begotten daughter”. Now she claims that she is a being that was born without original sin for the first time in 6000 years, and that she knew the Principle without receiving education from anyone. Mother’s assertions are in direct contradiction and opposition to True Father’s teaching that the messiah, who comes as completed Adam, finds and selects a woman among fallen women, and receives her as a bride. Mother’s claims completely turn against Father’s teaching that, “God invested His 100% to create Adam, and Adam invests his 100% to create Eve.” I gave Principle lectures in person to Mother during the beginning of Parents’ holy wedding period, and upon Mother’s request I even gave her documents with a summary of the main points of the Principle. Knowing this, I truly have no way of understanding how Mother could make such false and unprincipled claims. Taking it a step even further from claiming herself to be the “only begotten daughter”, Mother changed the designation of God to “Heavenly Parents”. Some may say this is not a problem because it looks like an expression of God as our Parent. However, it is actually a claim of dualism that shakes the very foundation of the monotheistic view of God that comes from the Judeo-Christian line of faith. It also stems from ignorance and from not properly understanding God’s original state explained both in the Divine Principle and in Unification Thought. The term “Heavenly Parent” occasionally appears in The Sermons of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon. But, the term “Heavenly Parent” that appears in The Sermons is more of an expression used to emphasize the heartistic relationship between God and humanity. Its meaning is completely different from the “Heavenly Parents” that is mentioned in Mother’s autobiography or in FFWPU memos. Furthermore, according to “The Principle of Creation” in the Exposition of the Divine Principle, God is defined as “the Subject in whom the dual characteristics of original internal nature and original external form are in harmony. At the same time, God is the harmonious union of masculinity and femininity, which manifest the qualities of original internal nature and original external form, respectively.” In this definition the original internal nature and original external form are the primary characteristics, and the masculine and feminine aspects are His attributes, according to the Principle and Unification Thought. What ultimately remains is God as a “Subject with dual characteristics in harmony.” As such, the proper definition of God is that of a subject with dual characteristics in harmony (neutral), so why is Mother obsessing with the attributes of masculinity and femininity which are not even the primary characteristics? The reason for that is because of the influence of feminism over Mother. This can be understood from what is written in the Introduction of her new autobiography. Trying to understand God from the theological perspective of a radical feminist, the only thing they can see is the part that talks about God’s attributes regarding His ‘dual characteristics of masculinity and femininity’. This only goes to show how Mother and those around her are ignorant regarding the Principle or the history of the providence. “However, due to the fall of human ancestors the ideal of creation of the Heavenly Parents was prolonged, and, a male-centric history proceeded centered on God’s masculinity as Heavenly Father instead of the status of Heavenly Parents. Hellenism and Hebraism, which formed the foundation of Western civilization, advanced a strictly male-centric history. Therefore, the status of Heavenly Mother which is God’s femininity was concealed, and God could not become Heavenly Parents. The reason the feminist movement that detonated in the West degenerated into a mere revolutionary movement of resistance against the rule of men is also related to God’s ontological status.” - “Mother of peace”, Introduction – This time, when Mother announced that they would no longer be the Family Federation, and that they were adopting a new identity and name as the Heavenly Parents Church, I wondered what providential pretext would be offered to justify it. According to the public notice issued on April 4th, 2020, by the FFWPU, it stated that, “Because [we are] in a position to embrace all 7.7 billion people around the world, we are no longer the Unification Church and we are no longer the Family Federation. We are changing the name to the Heavenly Parents Church.” These words reveal Mother’s low level of understanding of the Principle and her view of the providence. Because the world can’t be embraced through the Family Federation, she will create an even more narrow church denomination to do that? What kind of nonsensical claim is this? Her words mean that the Family Federation isn’t good enough to embrace the whole world, then isn’t that saying that Father created a providential organization that is limited? It is truly hard to agree with her claims. And that is because as he officially inaugurated the Family Federation for World Peace and Unification in 1996 and 1997, True Father internationally and interreligiously opened the doors wide for the Blessing so that all the 7.7 billion people of the world would be able to participate in it. Father even proclaimed the cosmic universalization of the Blessing, thereby allowing spirits in spirit world to also participate in the Blessing; he expanded the Blessing providence even more so that people could participate within the realm of the grace of the Blessing depending on a person’s stage in the cycle of life, whether it be in a rebirth ceremony (in the womb, newborn), or a resurrection ceremony (adolescence), or an eternal life ceremony (elderly age). The Heavenly Parents Church has no providential justification. So, I considered why Mother is trying to create this church from another perspective. Could it be that it’s because in Mother’s mind the only thing that exists are the True Parents, and there is no concept of the True Family? I have frequently heard Mother’s speeches and it has been a long time since I heard her say the word “True Family”. She only emphasizes submission and obedience to Parents. But, one time Hyun Jin Nim said something that is in contrast with Mother. At the 50th True God’s Day anniversary Hyun Jin Nim said, “There can be no True Parents if there are no True Children.” At the celebration of True Father’s 100th birthday, Hyun Jin Nim said that True Father’s greatest achievement was establishing the True Family on earth, and that the most important providential institution in God’s providence is True Family. He said that the Blessing does not come from any church, but that it comes from the True Family. Both the Family Federation and the Family Peace Association live by the motto that a peaceful ideal world can be realized and all of humanity can live with God as the Parent of humankind by establishing an ideal family of God, that is a God-centered family. Without creating the basis for the Three Great Kingships and the Four Great Realms of Heart centered on the True Family, God cannot dwell at the center of that family as the Parent. By ignoring the basic notions of the Principle of Creation and demanding that we only worship True Parents, Mother herself is tearing down the foundation of the True Children who should be able to reach the position of True Parents. Isn’t that what her claims mean? If Mother truly desired to embrace the 7.7 billion people of the world, instead of isolating herself by creating the Heavenly Parents Church, she should return to the path of establishing a True Family where God would want to visit and dwell in. If Mother returns to the position of God’s true daughter, Father’s true wife, Children’s true mother, then all humanity and the entire spirit world will serve and love Mother as the True Mother. Concluding remarks – The key that opens the door to Heaven, the Three Great Kingships and the Four Position Foundation in the True Family, the Vertical Axial Line Beloved Blessed families, brothers and sisters, Humanity was born with original sin and, as if by fate, we cannot alone remove ourselves from Satan’s false love, false life, and false lineage. As such, humanity can only become part of God’s family by engrafting onto the Tree of Life which is the Three Great Kingships and the Four Position Foundation of the True Family. When Mother gave birth to Ye Jin Nim, True Father told Blessed families, “Through the very small condition of participating in Mother’s labor pains, Blessed families go back into the position of being in the womb and are as if reborn as twins with the True Children.” And that is why Blessed families have the tradition to attend and call the True Children as our elder brothers and sisters, regardless of age. For the last 10 years or so, the relationship between Blessed families and the “original lineage” of True Family and True Children—which are the root of God’s true life, true love, and true lineage—has been disconnected by the words and actions of so-called “church leaders” surrounding Mother. I heard that instead of “succession by lineage,” they are calling it “succession by an institutionalized church system”. Although Blessed families had the special privilege of receiving True Father’s grace through the Family Pledge to be “Owners of Cheon Il Guk”, “to represent and become central to heaven and earth”, “to become a family that moves heavenly fortune”, and to be “a family that conveys Heaven's blessing to our community”, we must not forget the 7th verse of the Family Pledge which establishes the prerequisite of being a family that connects with the “original lineage”. There is no doubt that the “original lineage” refers to the vertical axial line of the Three Great Kingships and Four Position Foundation of the True Family, which is the Tree of Life. On August 13, 2012, True Father offered his “final report” to God putting all of his jungsung and soul and body. In this report True Father earnestly and desperately asked that all Blessed families attend the True Family’s True Children at the center and fulfill their duties as tribal messiahs, so that the substantial Cheon Il Guk could be offered up to God. But our Blessed families and members are forgetting True Father’s “final report”. The last providential event True Father participated while on earth was titled the “Proclamation of the Word of the True Body through the Cosmic Assembly for the Firm Settlement of the True Parents of Heaven, Earth and Humankind.” In the last part of True Father’s public speech in this event he said that the Eight Great Textbooks are gifts that he is giving to humanity, and they are his will (as in, final wish before passing away). True Father asked us to continue forward centered on these words until Cheon Il Guk is established. Among the Eight Great Textbooks, three of them are especially designated as sacred texts; these are the “Cheon Seong Gyeong, Peace Messages, and the Family Pledge”. Father gave a clear and dire warning that, “These three volumes are sacred texts and they are Heaven’s constitution; therefore, you should not change even one letter.” Yet, despite Father’s strong words, Mother and those leaders surrounding her were hatching a plan to dismantle and change the content of the Eight Great Textbooks as True Father was lying on his deathbed before passing onto spirit world. The result of that scheme is Mother’s so-called “Cheon Il Guk scriptures” which includes Mother’s version of the “Cheon Seong Gyeong, Peace Messages, and Chambumo Gyeong”. Even after witnessing what Mother and leaders had done, the Blessed families and members stood by idly, keeping their mouths shut. But I heard that in the upcoming 60th Anniversary of True Parents Holy Wedding, Mother and leaders are going to publish a new version of the “Chambumo Gyeong” that contains additional unprincipled and counter-providential content proclaiming the “only begotten daughter,” among other claims. Are we just going to stand by and look the other way, even as they continuously dismantle, damage, and doctor the words of the Eight Great Textbooks? True Father left all the tangible and intangible providential foundation, along with the title of “Owner of Cheon Il Guk”, for Blessed families to inherit. The ownership of the Eight Great Textbooks belongs to no one other than the “Owners of Cheon Il Guk,” that is, you, the Blessed families. These Texts are God and True Father’s “final gift and will” that he is giving to Blessed families and to humanity. For how much longer will we, Blessed Families, be relinquishing our responsibility and right as owners? Mother and the “church” leaders have been destroying and selling away the providential foundation and holy grounds established by True Father. What kind of place was the Su-Taek-Ri Central Training Center? It’s the very place where the providence for the International Victory Over Communism started, as well as being the main place where matchings for Blessings took place. It was also the birth place of providential and Principle education that would lead to world peace and new life. They sold that place and put up apartments there. Mother and these leaders have changed the names of all the main providential institutions that True Father founded while he was alive, adding the words “HJ, Hyo-jeong, Magnolia” to them. Are there Blessed family members that are still unaware those words and letters are the English initials of Mother’s name? They are the symbolic representation of Mother, Hak Ja Han. Now, they have changed the name of the “Family Federation” to “Heavenly Parents Church”. The Family Federation was supposed to be a providential organization that would substantially realize Cheon Il Guk on earth during the Completed Testament Age. But instead, this has been changed to the “Heavenly Parents Church”; a name which seems to come right from the Old or New Testament during the age of the providence of restoration through indemnity. Mother and the “church” leaders surrounding her are now advancing their new “Heavenly Parents Church” with content that is female-centric, only-begotten-daughter-centric, and radically feminist. Even as they live in the “Completed Testament Age” where they should be substantiating the original ideal of creation, they are going in the opposite direction. Through their actions they are dragging parts of the Unification Movement and Blessed families back to the era of the Old and New Testaments—an era in which we need salvation from Satan and from sins. By doing so they have put Blessed families back in a position as if they had fallen again. Blessed families, brothers and sisters! We are now at a crossroads where we must make a final decision and determination. Will it be True Father, or the only begotten daughter? Is it God’s true love, true life, and true lineage, or is it Satan’s false love, false life, and false lineage? Is it the Principle, or is it unprincipled? Is it the path of the providence or is it counter-providential? Will you choose life or will you choose death? Will you be an owner of Cheon Il Guk, or will you be a fallen servant? We no longer have the leisure to hesitate. Blessed families, brothers and sisters, I conclude this letter hoping that God and True Father will be happy by the choice you make.

April 22, 2020 Chung Hwan Kwak

[positivetransmessages]

Beauty Brands Want to Sell Queer Expression, But It Shouldn’t Be for Sale

Writer Riley R.L. on the risks that come with cosmetics brands capitalizing on queer narratives.

Riley R.L

In this op-ed, nonbinary writer Riley R.L. shares the impact of makeup on their identity, and the risks that come with cosmetic brands capitalizing on queer narratives.

October 21, 2019

“They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” Lady Gaga declares in the launch video for her new makeup line. “But at Haus Laboratories, we say beauty’s how you see yourself.” The video features Gaga surrounded by a racially diverse, gender nonconforming group of models showing off glittery eye makeup and bold lip colors. Its message is about freedom, specifically the freedom to express your identity however you want to. “We want you to love yourself,” Gaga concludes, and she’s got just the thing to help us do it: For $49, you can get a trio of lip products in a variety of color combos, which the brand’s website calls “tools of self-expression and reinvention.”

The Haus Laboratories launch is just one of many examples of how the cosmetics industry has been using identity narratives to market their ads with LGBTQ consumers in mind. Through pride campaigns and inclusive marketing, brands like Morphe, Milk Makeup, and M.A.C are trying to push the cultural conversation around makeup forward by bringing queer, trans, and gender nonconforming faces to the forefront, apparently as a way to help normalize the varying expressions of our community.

This mirrors a larger shift in the beauty space. LGBTQ creators like Gigi Gorgeous, Jeffree Star, and Nikita Dragun have gained huge audiences online and created successful product collaborations, while major beauty publications like Elle, Cosmopolitan, and Allure have covered the rise of queer beauty influencers and gender-neutral cosmetics brands. It’s clear that the world of cosmetics is trying to move away from the conventional standards it was previously associated with to promote an aesthetic of freedom, however ambiguously defined that may be.

For many LGBTQIA people, makeup can play a valuable, if not complicated, role in exploring gender, something that rings true in my own story. The first time I wore eye shadow out of the house, I still largely identified with the gender I had been assigned at birth; I spent most of that night worrying about what wearing makeup while presenting as male might open me up to. I feared ridicule, harassment, even violence — things that, fortunately, had not been an average part of my day-to-day life. Wearing makeup that first time was the most aware I’d ever been of the grip that gendered expectations had on the way I lived, and that realization made me feel weak and unfulfilled; all my life, I could suddenly see, I’d been under the control of beliefs about gender that I didn’t agree with, and that I had internalized without ever choosing to.

Thankfully, nothing out of the ordinary happened that night. As a kind of resistance to those feelings of weakness, I made an effort to start wearing makeup more often, and became increasingly comfortable with choosing to present and express myself in a way that was more unconventional. Ultimately, makeup was one of many things that helped me come to terms with the fact that I felt more at home outside of traditional gender roles than I did within them, and that my identity fit better under the umbrella of nonbinary than it did under male.

For me, that revelation came with a reduced emphasis on how I presented. Nowadays, I rarely wear much makeup (neither do most of my trans and nonbinary friends). But as queer identity seems to become more and more intertwined with the cosmetics industry, I find myself shying away from sharing the role that wearing makeup—a purely aesthetic part of a deeply internal process—played in that time of self-discovery. When I watch someone sell makeup under the auspices of queer self-love, regardless of how well intentioned they might be, I can’t help but feel as if a story like mine is being packaged and sold to young queer people desperate to find confidence in their own identity.

“Sometimes beauty doesn’t come naturally from within,” Gaga muses on the Haus Laboratories website. “But I’m so grateful that makeup inspired a bravery in me I didn’t know I had.” The narrative is clearer than ever: If conventional aesthetic “beauty” is no longer a marketing team’s focus, then something like “bravery” must be; rather than encouraging consumers to fit in, it’s now about using makeup to help reveal “who you are.” These brands are leveraging LGBTQIA narratives to maintain relevance in a competitive market, thanks to the very real and very complicated relationship that trans, nonbinary, and gender nonconforming people like me have with cosmetics.

An example like Sephora’s “Identify As We” campaign, full of ethereal imagery and moving ideas about freedom and identity, is certainly a progressive alternative to the kinds of advertising I was exposed to growing up. It’s easy to recall the history of hypermasculine marketing for products like Axe, whose goal was to play on conventional gender roles to make sales. Today, some brands would like us to believe that they can do better, and that by focusing on the expansive understanding of gender the LGBTQ community provides, companies can push progress forward rather than reinforce tired stereotypes.

Recently, Jonathan Van Ness, one of Queer Eye’s fab five, revealed that he’s nonbinary to Out. “[Gender is] this social construct that I don’t really feel like I fit into the way I used to,” Van Ness shared. Couched in this personal revelation was Van Ness’s sponsorship with nail polish brand Essie, something he hopes will help inspire young people: “I always used to think, Oh, I’m like a gay man, but I think any way I can let little boys and little girls know that they can express themselves, and they can, like, be... making iconic partnerships with brands like Essie no matter how they present is really important and exciting.”

Van Ness and Essie, like many of the brands mentioned, seem to operate under the assumption that visibility alone can bring much needed change in how our culture regards gender nonconformance. And maybe they’re right; but as a nonbinary person, I can’t help but question: Would my self-perception really have been different had I seen someone like Van Ness wearing nail polish on a billboard while growing up? Would I have come to understand my identity sooner had I seen a gender nonconforming person on a cosmetics display?

Many queer people grow up with a longing to be seen and validated by popular culture in the way our straight and cisgender peers are. When we come to adulthood, I worry that lingering desire may leave us with an inability to protect younger generations from the potential risks that putting value in “visibility” can conceal. If we place our trust in advertising to advance our cause rather than sharing our stories on our own terms, we’re passing them over to those whose primary goal is to profit from them. These sanitized, corporate narratives run the risk of leading young queer people to believe that embodying their identity is as simple as buying the right lipstick or wearing the right nail polish, instead of expressing themselves in whatever way feels true to them.

By creating a narrative of self-actualization based on a product, it’s easy to erase the pain that can come too. For many queer and trans people, embodying your gender is not always fun, freeing, and transformative; it can also make you a target of discrimination and violence. Every time I choose to walk out the door with makeup on, I’m choosing to do so in spite of the world I’m walking into. At its best makeup was often a grounding ritual that helped me come to terms with my own experience of gender. At its worst the reactions it caused — condescending compliments, strange looks, yells of “faggot” from passing cars — could make it feel like a way of inscribing the dissonance between my body and identity on my skin. Those experiences, like those endured by many in my community, are the ones you aren’t so likely to hear about in a beauty ad or the next big pride campaign, because they don’t fit the right narrative. We can’t ignore that these brands are more invested in their own survival than they are in ours, and we owe it to ourselves — and to those who’ll come after us — to be careful with how we allow others to use our stories.

- - -

Source: https://www.teenvogue.com/story/beauty-brands-queer-expression-makeup

[malexfan10]

I absolutely love Tyler Blackburn

New article today

He is such a gem ❤

So genuine. Deserves all the love and support!

You can tell how much Alex means to him.

Please don't destroy this amazing character or this wonderful ship Carina!

It's a long read but well worth it

https://www.playboy.com/read/down-to-earth

❤

Down to Earth With Tyler Blackburn

The star of the CW's 'Roswell' reboot isn't a poster child of anything but his own path

Written by Ryan Gajewski

Photography by Graham Dunn

Published onJune 11, 2019

I’ve never met Tyler Blackburn before—except that I have. Maybe it would be more accurate to say I’ve met versions of Tyler Blackburn. I’ve spent time with the actor on multiple occasions while covering his TV series Pretty Little Liars, the soapy teen-centered murder mystery that regularly generated more than a million tweets throughout its seven-season run. Just two weeks ago I reconnected with him in a lush meadow of flowering mustard outside Angeles National Forest, the site of his PLAYBOY photo shoot. But the Tyler Blackburn I’m meeting today at his home in the Atwater Village neighborhood of Los Angeles is in many ways an entirely different man.

When he greets me at the front door, Blackburn is relaxed, barefoot and still wearing what appears to be bed head. His disposition is unmistakably freer—lighter—than it’s been during our previous encounters. Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised by this. Six days earlier the 32-year-old actor came out publicly as bisexual in an online interview with The Advocate. The announcement is clearly at the forefront of his mind as we sit down at his dining room table.

Almost immediately he starts to gush about the positive, and at times overwhelming, feedback he has received over the past few days. Within minutes he’s in tears. He tries to lighten the mood with a self-effacing quip, but now I’m in tears too. Then he tells me he can’t remember my question.

I haven’t even asked one yet, I reply.

“It just makes me feel, Wow, the world’s a little bit safer than I thought it was,” Blackburn says.

The most affecting response he’s received thus far has been from his father, whom Blackburn didn’t meet until he was five years old. Although he avoids offering any more details about that early chapter, he says, “Feeling like I’m a little bit different always made me wonder if he likes me, approves of me, loves me. He called, and it was just every single thing you would want to hear from your dad: ‘That was a bold move. I’m so proud of you.’ It was wild.” 

Blackburn can’t pinpoint the exact moment he knew he was bisexual but says he was curious from the age of 16. It wasn’t until two years ago, though, that he decided to approach his publicity team about coming out publicly. At that point, Pretty Little Liarshad wrapped, and the actor was without a job. So Blackburn and his team agreed they needed to hold off on making an announcement until his career was stable again. The lack of resolution weighed on him.

“A year ago I was in a very bad place,” he says, adding that he has struggled with depression and anxiety. “I didn’t know what my career was going to be or where it was going. My personal life—my relationship with myself—was in a really bad place.”

His casting on the CW’s Roswell, New Mexico, adapted from the same Melinda Metz book series as the WB’s 1999 cult favorite Roswell, seems to have come at the right time. Blackburn portrays Alex, a gay Army veteran whose relationship with Michael, a bisexual alien, has attracted legions of “Malex” devotees since the show’s January debut. Roswell, New Mexico has already been renewed for a second season—a feat for any series in this era of streaming, let alone one involving gay exophilia.

Playing a character whose queerness has been so widely embraced by fans no doubt nudged Blackburn closer to revealing his truth for the first time since becoming an actor 15 years ago. (As he told The Advocate, “I’m so tired of caring so much. I just want to…feel okay with experiencing love and experiencing self-love.”) Still, he was somewhat reluctant. His hesitation was rooted in the fact that he wouldn’t be able to control what came next: the social pressures that often come with being one of the first—in his case, one of the first openly bisexual male actors to lead a prime-time television series.

“If you stand for this thing, and you say it publicly, there’s suddenly the expectation of ‘Now your job is this,’ ” he says. “Even if someone’s like, ‘Now you’re going to go be the spokesperson’—well, no. If I don’t want to, I don’t want to. And that doesn’t mean I’m a half-assed queer.”

Full disclosure: I previously wrote for a Pretty Little Liars fan site. In 2012 I published a listicle that ranked the show’s hottest male characters. Blackburn cracks up when I tell him this and wants to know whether he bested Ian Harding, his former co-star. After I inform him that his character (hacker with a heart of gold Caleb Rivers) finished second behind Harding’s (Ezra Fitz, a student-dating teacher) I promise to organize a recount. The always-modest Blackburn concedes that Harding is the rightful winner. (If anyone ever compiles a BuzzFeed article titled “Most Embarrassing Moments for Former Bloggers,” I’ll be offended if I’m not in the mix.)

Blackburn makes it clear that he has not always been comfortable with his status as a teen heartthrob. Knowing he was queer made it “hard to embrace it and enjoy it.” Growing up, he was bullied for being perceived as effeminate and was frequently subjected to slurs and homophobic jokes. He describes himself as a late bloomer who took longer than usual to shed his baby fat. He didn’t have many friends, nor did he date much in high school. 

A lifelong fan of musical theater and the performing arts, Blackburn signed with a Hollywood management company at the age of 17. His team at the time warned him that projecting femininity would hinder his success. An especially painful moment came after he’d auditioned for a role as a soldier and the producers wrote back that Blackburn had seemed “a little gay.” 

“Those two managers were so twisted in their advice to me,” Blackburn says. “They just said, ‘We don’t care if you are, but no one can know. You can’t walk into these rooms and seem gay. It’s not gonna work.’ I remember the shame, because I’ve been dealing with the feeling that I’m not a normal boy for my entire life.”

After landing a recurring role on Days of Our Lives in 2010, Blackburn scored his big break when he appeared midway through the first season of Pretty Little Liars. “I was in Tyler’s first scene, so I got to be one of the first to work with him,” Shay Mitchell, who starred opposite Blackburn, tells PLAYBOY. “Right away, I knew he was special. Since the day I met him, Tyler always struck me as very authentic and very true to himself.” 

Fans instantly adored his on-screen love affair with Hanna Marin, played by Ashley Benson. The pair became known as “Haleb,” and Blackburn went on to win three Teen Choice Awards—surfboard trophies that solidify one’s status as a teen idol—in categories including Choice TV: Chemistry.

According to Blackburn, during the show’s seven years on the air, he and Benson bonded over their mutual distaste for the tabloid stardom that comes with headlining a TV phenomenon lapped up by teens. Today he fondly reflects on their on-camera chemistry. “It felt good,” he says. “It felt real.”

Of course, rumors swirled that the pair’s romance was actually quite real. “We never officially dated,” he tells me. “In navigating our relationship—as co-workers but also as friends—sometimes the lines blurred a little. We had periods when we felt more for each other, but ultimately we’re good buds. For the most part, those rumors made us laugh. But then sometimes we’d be like, ‘Did someone see us hugging the other night?’ She was a huge part of a huge change in my life, so I’ll always hold her dear.” 

Blackburn also shares a unique connection with Mitchell outside their friendship. Similar to what Blackburn is now experiencing with Roswell, Mitchell was embraced by the LGBTQ community for playing a lesbian character, Emily Fields, whose same-sex romances on Pretty Little Liars were among the first on ABC Family (the former name of the Freeform network).

Over the years, Blackburn had come out to select members of the Pretty Little Liars cast and crew, including creator I. Marlene King. But as the show approached its swan song, he started to recognize how hiding a part of himself was negatively affecting his life. He entered his first serious relationship with a man while filming the show’s final season. Not knowing how to tell co-workers—or whether to, say, invite his boyfriend to an afterparty—caused him to “go into a little bit of a shell” on the set.

“My boyfriend was hanging out with me at a Pretty Little Liars convention, and some of the fans were like, ‘Are you Tyler’s brother?’ ” Blackburn says. “He was very patient, but then afterward he was like, ‘That kind of hurt me.’ It was a big part of why we didn’t work out, just because he was at a different place than I was. Unfortunately, we don’t really talk anymore, but if he reads this, I hope he knows that he helped me so much in so many ways.” At that, Blackburn tearfully excuses himself and takes a private moment to regain his composure. 

“I never remember a time when I didn’t enjoy being with him,” says Harding, Blackburn’s former co-star. He says he saw the actor “start to become the person he is now when we worked together” but believes Blackburn needed to first come to terms with the idea that he could become “the face” of bisexuality. “Tyler’s discovering a way to bring real meaning with his presence in the world,” Harding says, “as an actor and as a whole human.”

Once the teenage Blackburn realized he was attracted to guys, he began “experimenting” with men while taking care not to become too emotionally attached. “I just didn’t feel I had the inner strength or the certainty that it was okay,” he says. It wasn’t until a decade later, at the age of 26, that he began to “actively embrace my bisexuality and start dating men, or at least open myself up to the idea.” He says he’s been in love with two women and had great relationships with both, but he “just knew that wasn’t the whole story.”

He was able to enjoy being single in his 20s in part because he wasn’t confident enough in his identity to commit to any one person in a relationship. “I had to really be patient with myself—and more so with men,” he says. “Certain things are much easier with women, just anatomically, and there’s a freedom in that.” He came out of that period with an appreciation for romance and intimacy. Sex without an emotional component, he discovered, didn’t have much appeal.

“As I got older, I realized good sex is when you really have something between the two of you,” says Blackburn, who’s now dating an “amazing” guy. “It’s not just a body. The more I’ve realized that, the more able I am to be settled in my sexuality. I’m freer in my sexuality now. I’m very sexual; it’s a beautiful aspect of life.”

Blackburn has, however, felt resistance from the LGBTQ community, particularly when bisexual women have questioned his orientation. “Once I decided to date men, I was like, Please just let me be gay and be okay with that, because it would be a lot fucking easier. At times, bisexuality feels like a big gray zone,” he says. (For example, Blackburn knows his sexuality may complicate how he becomes a father.) “I’ve had to check myself and say, I know how I felt when I was in love with women and when I slept with women. That was true and real. Don’t discredit that, because you’re feeding into what other people think about bisexuality.”

He clearly isn't the first rising star who's had to deal with outside opinions of how to handle his Hollywood coming-out. I spoke to Brianna Hildebrand just before the release of 2018's smash hit Deadpool 2, and she explained that she had previously met with publicists who had offered to keep her sexuality under wraps, even though the actress herself had never suggested this. Meanwhile, ahead of the launch of last fall's Fantastic Beasts sequel, Ezra Miller told methat he's "been in audition situations where sexuality was totally being leveraged."

Fortunately for Blackburn, his recent experiences with colleagues have largely been supportive ones. He came out to Roswell, New Mexico showrunner Carina Adly Mackenzie when he first arrived in N.M. to shoot the pilot but after he had earned the role of Alex, which for him was the ideal sequence. "I think he takes the responsibility of being queer in the public eye very seriously, and waiting to come out was just about waiting until he was ready to share a private matter—not about being dishonest to his fans," Mackenzie tells PLAYBOY. "I have always known how important Alex is to Tyler, and I know that Tyler trusts me to do right by him, ultimately, and that’s really special."

Blackburn finds it funny that he’s known for young-skewing TV shows; the question is, What might define him next? He’s grateful for his career, but he grew up wanting to make edgy dramas like the young Leonardo DiCaprio. He also cites an admiration for Miller, the queer actor who plays the Flash. “I most definitely want to be a fucking superhero one day,” Blackburn says a bit wistfully. 

His path to cape wearing does look more tenable. The day before his Advocateinterview was posted, he booked a lead role in a fact-based disaster-survival film opposite Josh Duhamel. Blackburn jokes that his movie career was previously nonexistent, though his résumé features such thoughtful indie fare as 2017’s vignette-driven Hello Again. There, he plays a love interest to T.R. Knight, who tells PLAYBOY that Blackburn “embraces the challenge to stretch and not choose the easy path.” 

For now, Blackburn’s path appears to be just where he needs it to be. “I may never want to be a spokesperson in a huge way, but honestly, being truthful and authentic sets a great example,” he says. “To continue on a path of fulfillment and happiness is going to make people feel like they too can have that and it doesn’t need to be some spectacle.” As it turns out, he may already be a superhero.

[the-potter-analyst]

Chapter 13 - Nicolas Flamel

Harry Potter and the Sacred Text word of the day: Hope

Is it possible to still feel exhausted after that long Mirror of Erised post? lol I’ll try to keep this one short.

There’s a lot of tiny moments that hope is seen in this chapter. The biggest ones that the hosts discussed were Harry and his Quidditch match, and Neville and his self esteem. I agree with Vanessa, one of the hosts, in that hope is what’s left after you’ve done everything you can possible do (a last resort), but I want to challenge that and say that it is also what allows us to take action. It helps provide the courage to do something when it might seem helpless. I get her point that hope can sometimes cause negative actions like violence, but sometimes a little violence maybe what it takes to learn, grow, and mature.

In a special episode of the podcast, there was a voice mail where someone talked about the sorting ceremony and how the sorting is based on aspirations and a person’s potential. And I found this so interesting! It’s slightly different from my own suggestion in that it’s based on personal values, since this is what a person may hope to become. It would explain why someone like Pettigrew was sorted in Gryffindor, because at the time he had the potential to be someone brave and may have hoped to become that, but in the end he succumbed to fear. Neville is often compared to him in that they started off the same, as two weak-willed people, but Neville was able to grow from that. And we see the beginnings of his growth in this chapter. He stumbles into the Gryffindor common room after being bullied by Draco and confides to the trio that he’s not brave enough to be in Gryffindor. But in this moment Harry gives hope to Neville, telling him that he’s “worth twelve of Malfoy” and reinforcing that the Sorting Hat chose this house for Neville for a reason. And Neville starts believing that. Even going as far as standing up to Draco when he’s still a little afraid of him during the Quidditch match. Vanessa condemned this action, but I think this moment was needed for Neville to show that he’s serious about standing up for himself, both to himself and other people. And I’m pretty sure this was the only time he resorted to violence against his bullies.

It’s kinda funny how much hope comes and goes around this game. First, the Gryffindor team is excited that they could overcome Slytherin in the House Cup! Then they lose hope because Snape is refereeing. Then Harry gains hope when he finds out that Dumbledore is in the audience so Snape couldn’t possibly pull something sinister! The team’s (and the house’s) hopes also all fall on Harry to make the match quick so that Snape can penalize Gryffindor as much. I wanted to document the times when Harry feels anxious after his first Quidditch match and lo and behold, he’s nervous for this match, but for different reasons than his first. But I think it goes to show how much Harry is passionate about Quidditch. Before it was more based on whether his skills would hold up since he never played the sport before. Now it’s more about the pressure of his team winning being on his shoulders, as well as worrying about what Snape might do to him during the game. Though Harry says if he doesn’t play “all the Slytherins will think I’m just too scared to face Snape. I’ll show them...” so he’s still trying to prove himself. When he wins the game for Gryffindor, he thinks about how he’d finally done something to be proud of and to show that he’s more than a famous name. Since the beginning Harry has been struggling with his fame and expectations and he’s been afraid of being a failure because of it. And I think it’s this moment that he moves passed that.

Harry’s dreams took the forefront again with him having nightmares about his parent’s death. I’ve always wondered if the green light and evil laughter were his own memories or what the Soul Piece remembers since Harry was only a year old at the time. I have no idea how long term memory works as a toddler/baby but I guess if the event was traumatic enough it’ll stick with you. And the Mirror of Erised triggered that memory.

I wonder what Snape thought the reason was behind Quirrell wanting the Sorcerer’s Stone? For personal use? Cause I doubt he knew that Voldemort was in the back of his head lol. But I commend Snape for confronting him, although the true meaning of it was lost on Harry xD

Small things

I sometimes find it funny that the American editors/publishers changed the name from the philosopher’s stone to the sorcerer’s stone. I know it was to make the book seem more appealing to American audiences, but there’s whole folklores about the philosopher’s stone in alchemy

Foreshadowing about Snape being able to read minds 👀 

I find it cute that Ron and Hermione thought they could stop Snape with a Leg-Locker Curse. Can spells even reach that far? Would leg-locking even matter when on a broom? They get points for effort, it’s the thought that counts lol

I’m having a new appreciation for Parvati!! She deserves the world

Previous: Chapter 12 - The Mirror of Erised

Next: Chapter 14 - Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback