#on that note we should do the same with silly heather

[positive-total-drama-takez]

Sorry I haven't been here for a while!!

Alejandro, my boy.. the fandom doesn't treat him right :(

He's not some 'sexy guy to be objectified', he's a TEENAGER!!! With a LIFE!!!!

I hate when people make him just downright seductive in fics, sorry, like. He's not perfect, he likes dinosaurs, EXPLORE THAT.

Sorry for the rant I'm just pissed at how people treat him in the fandom.

I like his outfit I wish I had it

—📖

.

[visd3stele]

Oak and the throne

summary:

TW: none

A/N: I always hoped Jude and Cardan would keep the throne, so I'm glad Oak likes the mortal world so much :)

Next one should be up by thirsday

Thank you so much for the request, hope it's what you expected. xoxo

@britishbookworm2 requested here

masterlist

"Oak! Come back here," Jude's voice carried through the palace. Despite years of dealing with stubborn faes in the council, eliciting orders to soldiers and servants alike and talking down to her subjects as Cardan does, her voice was steady, even and almost sweet as she yelled after her little brother.

Little brother. The thought seemed out of place. In his years in the mortal world, Oak had a growth spurt, while she remained the same. Young, not yen an adult, yet passed through much more than her elders could claim to.

"No!" Oak shouted back, though he stopped in the middle of the throne room. "No," and he turned back to Jude, walking fast with his now bigger, stronger goat legs. "You promised me I won't have to take over if I don't want to. Well, guess what, Jude? I don't!"

He didn't tower over her like she expected. His bent knees cutting from his height. But Oak, the boy she used to lean down to hug and kiss on top of his horned head, still stood taller than her at the throne's dais.

"You should have taken it in writing, little brother." Cardan chimed in, bemused. A glare from his wife shut him up, though still smirking, and the High King opened a second bottle of wine.

"Oak," Jude begin again. "I know it's not ideal. When all this started, you were so young. I get it's a little scary and overwhelming. But it's your birthright..."

"It's Cardan's birthright too." Oak protested, crossing his arms over his chest after pointing a hand towards the King sitting on the throne's dais. His tail bounced left and right in amusement as he raised the bottle towards his half brother and gulped down a mouthful of wine.

"Speaking of Cardan," Jude seized the opportunity, "he didn't want to be High King either. But he got used to it. He came to like it. Tell him, oh, dear husband." The look the High Queen gave her lover contradicted her words, for nothing short of a clear threat shone in her eyes. The fae just smiled to himself, used to his wife's antics. He made a show of getting up on his feet, taking a few steps forward with his normal care free elegancy, when Oak's words stopped him.

"If he likes it that much, why can't Cardan still be King? I thought you liked to be Queen, too, Jude. Don't you?"

Both the warrior mortal and the peaceful fae stood glued in their places. Perplexed. Twenty years ago, when she started her ascension to the throne, Jude did so with only one purpose in mind: put that crown on Oak's head. Every decision she made, each plotting and scheming should have led to the celebration of High King Oak of Greenbriar line. Didn't it?

Now that she thought about it, things changed. Jude couldn't say when or how exactly. But at some point between then and now, she started to see herself as the real queen. High Queen in her right, not just a replacement until Oak is old enough.

Maybe it was when she choose to love Cardan and he made her his equal by splitting the throne in two ostentatious ones right in the middle of the room. Maybe it was when the Court of Shadows gifted her the title as a nickname. Jude wouldn't admit even to herself how much though she'd given to that afterwards. Or maybe it was recently, in the years after breaking Cardan's curse. Years spent ruling together, bringing up a better Elfhame than either of them grew up in.

As for Cardan, the High King's eyes darted to the crown, fingers itching to pick it up and place it atop his head. To give it a light push so it'd lean on one side, but never falling. As if it clinged to him. As if it chose him.

It's true, the youngest prince - as he thought himself for so long - never craved the throne. Why would he? He was the least favorite child, not good enough to deserve their father's attention. His mother's love. So how could he be a good king? But after Jude tricked him and all Elfhame bowed to him, looked up to him, something shift inside him. Cardan actually enjoyed the process of thinking through a court scheme. The insides of a carefully given order - a pawn in a bigger game. He found it entertaining to search ways to deal with the council, to make them bow to his whims. And when he married Jude and those whims matured into interests, well, building a kingdom of dreams none he or his wife dared to ever hope for, leaving such a legacy behind, he, Cardan Greenbriar, the pitiful prince, it felt right.

"You don't wish to rule, Oak?" Cardan asked, more concern than he ever spoke with lacing his voice.

"No! Never did, never will."

Jude could recognize a bit of Vivi in the way Oak said it, rolling his eyes and putting accent on certain vowels. But Vivi insisted it wasn't unusual in the mortal world, humans using this sort of speech all the time. Thinking about it, seeing her little brother clear for the first time she summoned him in Fairyland, Jude realized Oak would look out of place in fae's clothes. The green hoodie he wore and dark grey jeans fitted him perfectly.

"But would you be alright there? Hiding your real self, your magic?"

"I'm not hiding, Jude," Oak's voice softened. His big sister didn't want to ruin his life. She was looking after him, his happiness in the only way she knew how. The Fae way. "I mean, yes, people see what I want them to, what with the glamour and all. But it doesn't mean I don't get to be myself. I go to college, you know? Herbologist," he chuckled to himself. "I like it. I have friends, and... and one day, when I'll meet my Heather, then I'll skip to telling her the truth and... I don't know what then, but it'll be fine. I'll be fine, Jude. I promise."

It took several minutes for Jude to reply. She eyed Oak the entire time, her mind swerling, trying to keep up with the speed of her thoughts. Eventually, she saw his truth, just like when she faced hers own: she wouldn't fit in the mortal world, she loved Cardan, she was the High Queen. And Oak? Oak would make a great herbologist - whatever that was - because he doesn't fit in Elfhame anymore. And she won't be the one to crush him or his hopes.

She nodded her head, Cardan's cue to drop a silly, drunk-like, huge smile and take the crowns in his hands.

"Promise you'll visit, though."

It was Oak's turn to nod, a grin pulling his lips upward. "Of course. I can stay for dinner, if you promise not to offer me a court or something."

Jude laughed. "I think we can do that." She turned to her husband, who hummed distracted and tucked a loose strand behind her year, putting extra effort in to trace the soft, round edge of it with his fingers. Cardan, then, crowned her, tilting his head. To no one's surprise his own tolkien of kinghood didn't fell, despite its crooked position.

"Unless a gift is required by tradition, brother dearest," Cardan said, "fret not. You'll be seeing nothing from us." And without waiting to see if Oak is following, he spooned his wife, his queen, in his arms, leading her to the dining table. All the way there, the king peppered his heart's chosen one with kisses, whispering promising for the night. Silk words about a royal celebration in their suit and implications of a new heir to the throne, now that the one they'd planned for decided to go to a mortal college and stay there.

Oak smiled. Truthfully and heartfully. No, he won't be High King. But he felt like he owned the whole world hours later, when he got back to his dorm and picked up his pen to write some notes on next friday's homework.

[fruitcoops]

Hey I was wondering if you could write something kinda angsty but with a pretty ending with the cubs, I’m trynna project getting stood up and turning it into something nice and good, even if it’s just in my head. No pressure but I just wanna smile for a bit and your work always makes me do so :)))

Hello lovely! I’m so sorry that you were stood up--that feels awful and whoever did it missed out on a wonderful person. I’ve combined this with some other asks in the same vein (y’all wanted my boys to hurt) so I hope you don’t mind. Sending love and hugs your way! Sweater Weather credit goes to @lumosinlove​ <3

1. Bad mental health day for Finn + pushing himself too hard + passing out (ft. Bee anon!)

2. O’Knutzy boiling over with a fluffy ending

3. Insecure Leo

TW for internalized guilt, vaguely implied self-harm (pushing himself too hard at practice), and relationship arguments

Finn had a few bad habits. He left dirty dishes in the sink, could never remember which setting the laundry was supposed to go on, and barely wiped his shoes on the doormat before entering the house. He wasn’t proud of his flaws, but he acknowledged that everyone had some—as long as they didn’t hurt anybody, it wasn’t the end of the world.

This one…this one was different. Even Finn knew that.

He gritted his teeth for the next set of squats, ignoring the ringing in his ears and the climbing nausea in his gut. The chart only said to do three reps, but he had been beating himself up for slacking a set earlier in the week and decided to do five to make up for it.

That, it seemed, was a poor decision.

His thighs were shaking when he finally put the weight down and he leaned on the wall to stabilize himself. “Fish? You okay?” Logan asked from the yoga mat to his right, staring up at him in concern.

“I’m fine,” Finn lied. “Just straightened up too fast.”

“D’accord.” He could feel Logan’s eyes on his back as he left the gym and headed toward the showers.

Finn’s worst habit was taking care of himself, and it wasn’t something that could be explained away as “oh, silly Harzy” like the washing machine. He made a mental note to take some ibuprofen before driving home so he would be marginally less sore in the morning, but he had the sinking feeling it would be a rough practice the next day.

Remus and Talker were playing some sort of volleyball with an old balloon between their stalls when he entered; he missed getting nailed in the head by a narrow margin and waved off their apologies with a forced smile.

A hand closed around his bicep as he passed, snapping him back to reality as Leo’s bright eyes came into focus. “Hey, lovey, is Lo with you?”

“He’s finishing up.”

A small furrow appeared between Leo’s brows. “Is something wrong?”

“Nope.” Finn faked a yawn and stretched his arm over Leo’s shoulder, dragging him down for a kiss on the cheek. “Cap’s workout just kicked my ass today.”

“That’s what they’re supposed to do,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes playfully as he passed. “You’re not a rookie anymore, O’Hara.”

“Yeah, yeah, alright.”

Logan entered the locker room a few minutes later; Finn closed his eyes and breathed in the thick steam of the shower until the fog in his head cleared a bit and he couldn’t feel the skin on his shoulders. It billowed off him as he dressed again and tossed the keys to Leo, who raised his eyebrows. “Me?”

“You. There’s a little bit of slush left, and you still need to learn how to drive in it.” And I feel like I’m going to pass out at any minute. He swallowed down the last thought and pasted a teasing grin on his face—what Leo and Logan didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. It was his own fault for being lazy in the past.

-----------------------

What Leo and Logan didn’t know apparently did hurt them. In hindsight, Finn should have seen that coming before he passed out in the middle of a scrimmage.

The lights of the coach’s office made his headache even worse. “Care to explain?” Arthur asked in a voice like frost. To his left, Sirius was glowering.

“I already told Hestia—”

“Yeah, I know what you told Hestia,” Arthur interrupted. “I want to hear it directly from you.”

Finn sighed through his nose and picked at a stray thread on his jersey. “I…I pushed myself a little too hard at yesterday’s practice and didn’t say anything when I started feeling bad.”

“Why.” Sirius’ eyes were hard as flint.

“Because I didn’t want to be a pain in the ass! I can handle some aching muscles, it’s not a big deal!”

“Not a—”

Arthur put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “That’s enough, Black. O’Hara, I want you to look me in the eyes.” Finn raised his head. “This was a dumbass mistake and all of us expected better from you. Your safety and health come before any workout routine, and it is your responsibility to speak up before you scare the shit out of us by dropping like a rock.”

“I’m sorry, Coach.”

“Apology accepted. I also want you to call Heather when you get home and schedule an appointment with her.” Some of Arthur’s frustration melted into genuine concern and guilt crawled up Finn’s throat. “Doing that to yourself isn’t healthy, Finn. You’re a good man, smart, and I know you know better.”

“Can we talk for a second?” Sirius asked quietly, glancing at Arthur. He nodded and left the room.

“I’m sorry.”

“What the fuck, Finn?” Sirius ran a hand down his face, suddenly pale. “What the fuck was that?”

“It was stupid.”

“Yeah, no, I got that part.”

“I slacked off a set on Monday.”

“Wow, nobody’s ever done that before,” he said sarcastically, sitting down in the chair by the wall as Finn resumed messing with his hem. “You scared the hell out of all of us.”

“I know.”

“You know I’m not mad at you, right? I’m upset that you thought you had to do that at all.”

Tears prickled the backs of Finn’s eyes. “I know.”

“I’m sure as hell not your coach or your dad, but I’m going to say this as your friend, okay?” Sirius leaned over into Finn’s field of view. “Whatever you need, I’m here for you. This team wouldn’t be the same without you. I wouldn’t be the same without you. We need you to take care of yourself, Harzy.”

Finn nodded silently and Sirius gave his hand a quick squeeze, which he returned. “Does everyone know?”

“I told them you were under the weather, nothing more.”

“Classic media answer.” He tried and failed to crack a smile. “Thanks for not telling on me.”

“That’s not my job. My job is herding cats on ice skates for five hours a day.”

Finn’s smile was real that time and he managed a light laugh as he swiped away the dampness on his cheeks. “Love you, man.”

“Love you, too.” Sirius helped him stand up and hugged him tight for a second before letting go. “Speaking as someone who used to do the exact same thing, talking to Heather makes a world of difference.”

“I’ll give her a call.”

The cold feeling returned to Finn’s gut when they stepped out of the office; Leo and Logan were waiting by the opposite wall, looking angrier than Finn had ever seen. Sirius patted his shoulder once before walking off down the hallway toward the locker room, where he would no doubt deflect even more questions.

“Hey,” Finn said, barely above a whisper. Logan continued to stare at the ground.

“You lied to us,” Leo said bluntly. “Several times. Both of us asked if you were alright and you told us you were fine.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I accept your apology, but I don’t understand.” He ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. “Finn, this isn’t how we deal with things. We agreed to be a team.”

Finn bit his lip. I fucked this one up. “We did. I am so sorry for scaring you—”

“We’re not mad that you scared us,” Logan snapped, still looking anywhere but his face. “We’re upset that you refuse to take care of yourself and then lied to us about it.”

Leo nudged Logan’s shoulder before turning back. “Why did you do that, Finn?”

“I didn’t want to fall behind. I was just trying to make up for the set I skipped on Monday.”

“What? Twenty squats and some pushups? That’s not worth your health, honey.” The pet name soothed the terror clutching Finn’s heart and he took a deep breath. They still loved him. This wasn’t the end.

“It was a stupid thing to do and it won’t happen again.”

“Good. Let’s go home.” Logan grabbed his duffel bag off the ground and started walking toward the door; Leo looked like he was going to say something, but Finn gently took his elbow.

“He’s going to need a minute,” he said under his breath. Logan was a hothead about many things, but lying was in the top three. Finn knew he hurt him deep.

“Did you…” Leo trailed off and pressed his lips together as they followed Logan into the parking lot. “Did you feel like you couldn’t tell me?”

Finn shook his head. “No. This was all on me.”

“It’s just that I know I’m younger than both of you and I’m new to the hockey lifestyle, but I never want you to think you can’t trust me—”

“Leo.” Finn stopped walking and tugged on Leo’s hand, turning him around. Worry was painted all over his face and it sliced to Finn’s core. “I trust you and Logan with everything, but I got into my head about this and I wasn’t thinking about how it would hurt you. Please believe that.”

Leo sighed. “I do. I just don’t get it.”

“Neither do I, to be honest.” Logan was already sitting in the car with his headphones on as they crossed the lot. “It’s going to take him a while to talk to me, isn’t it?”

“He was really upset.”

“We’ll figure this out.” He tightened his grip on Leo’s hand. “We’ve made it through worse.”

-----------------------------

The apartment crackled with tension until Finn literally had to stick his head out the open window to get a breath of fresh air. Waves of frustration and hurt rolled off Logan, though he still refused to look Finn in the eyes.

After dinner, Leo slid into the armchair before Logan could get there, leaving only the couch available. They carefully sat on opposite sides—Finn stole glances at Logan out of the corner of his eye for the entire first half of the movie. Ninety minutes of action later, he felt something chilly poking at his calf.

Logan kept his gaze trained on the TV as he scooted his freezing toes under Finn’s legs. Relief flooded Finn’s veins; he felt a little like crying, but instead schooled his expression into a small smile and rested his hand on Logan’s ankle, where it stayed until the movie ended.

Leo had fallen asleep by that time, splayed out sideways on the cushion with his face smushed against the armrest. “Il est mignon,” Logan said softly. There was a beat of silence and he looked over at Finn. “He’s cute.”

“He is.” Finn cleared his throat and met his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Lo. I never meant to hurt you, but I did, and I’m sorry.”

“Promise me you won’t do that again.”

“I won’t.”

Finn had a few bad habits, but backing out on his promises would never be one of them.

[the-ghost-king]

You know how everyone has at least one minor rrverse character with no significance but they're you're favorite? Okay Mitchell from the Aphrodite Cabin is one of mine...

Make him Italian, probably Southern Italian I like to imagine his family immigrated from the Florentine area

Trans masc

At first he thinks he's just a gnc trans guy but after he starts medical transition he realizes he's nonbinary

Uses he/they pronouns generally

But when people he's close to talk about or to him and they're using nouns to describe him they use female gendered nouns (ex: daughter, lady, girl, etc), and yes these are a part of his gender expression

Also the type of person to hyphenate their deadname with their original middle name as their new middle name

They definitely are the type of person too who just invites invasive and awkward questions (as long as they're being asked in good faith) for educational purposes, and he'll give you the most derailed answer if that's what you want

Also he might be femme but he's not weak and he will beat you up if you're just being unnecessarily transphobic

His dad is a high quality fashion designer and because of this Mitchell is kind of spoiled (okay very spoiled) about clothes, always having high thread count clothes and also personally tailored pieces

They've got some casual plans to take over their dad's business but he thinks that he wants to expand it out into a more affordable fashion market for the average person (they like affordable and sustainable fashion too! The artistic pieces are nice but it's not a long-term sustainable business model!)

He personally dresses very camp, even the cishets look at him and go "oh he's you know... _/‾"

They love a good suit, very gender to him

Him, Nico, and Chiara all getting together to talk in Italian; and have culturefests or something

Watching Italian films, and TV shows, updating Nico on modern Italian culture, etc

Bi or Pan, but doesn't really feel the need to label himself, usually just says multisexual or mspec unless someone doesn't know what that means

His attraction to women is gay, his attraction to nonbinary people is gay, his attraction to men is gay... If you can't handle that you're not their target audience

Idk how old they are but Rick's timeline is fake and so are ages then, so him and Austin are dating

Very cute couple, very casual dynamic, probably have won "cutest couple award" or something at some point

Definitely went to all their high school dances together

Their favorite color... Probably green or pink... Yellow is also a good option

Mitchell probably wears glasses for the "aesthetic" but has worse vision with them on

Would not put it past him to be a social media influencer but have a secret Twitter account for BL

He definitely reads GL too

Very into anime, jdrama, and manga, likes manhwa and kdrama and any other variation of those things

Yeah probably kpop too

They probably like stuff like "My First First Love" and "Cherry Magic!" etc

First anime was probably one of the ones everyone seems to start with so maybe "Your Lie in April" or "Ouran High school Host Club"... His all time favorite is probably "Given"

First Manga... Probably "Orange" or something unexpected like "Black Butler"

He's definitely the person who introduces Nico to anime and such... The whole thing just sort of confuses Nico but he likes a couple of them, "Death Note" and some other psychological or horror type stuff

Definitely has some talent when it comes to hair styling, lots of people at camp are always going to him for haircuts and styles so he starts charging $2 or something for it and basically has a summer job at camp

He lives in the New York area year round (honestly, he probably goes home on the weekends sometimes from summer camp and goes to camp for the weekends sometimes in the school year)

Because of how close he is to camp other people in the area will often call him to do their hair and makeup for homecoming/prom/etc and he always agrees unless he's visiting family in Italy or he's touring with his dad

Likes to chill with Austin at the infirmary, partially to hang out but also probably because that's one of the few places in camp that has air conditioning

Will is always getting after him for sitting on the counters, something about it being unsanitary but they don't think it should matter as long as they're not in any of the operating rooms

Austin likes him too much to tell him no but yeah it's not sanitary, but to Austin the choice is a sanitary counter or a happy and comfortable boyfriend... He's picking happy boyfriend

Also Mitchell is very supportive of Austin's music career and always trying to convince Austin to let them use tracks of his music on the runways at their dad's shows

But Austin always says no because he wants to "make it big on his own" which Mitchell thinks is a bit silly but if it's what Austin wants he'll support it

Mitchell is super into camp's drama, they don't do anything with the information or all the secrets they just like knowing all of it

If you ask them to keep a secret they absolutely will

But that embarrassing story about you that went around camp five years ago that you lowkey wish everyone would just stop talking about, he's the one that keeps restarting the cycle

He babbles to Nico all the time about all the ongoings of camp because Nico is also good at keeping his mouth shut, but Nico doesn't care about the drama for the same reasons though (Nico: "Hold on, back up, you said Drew knows Sadie Kane? Interesting..." Mitchell:"okay Mr. Ominous, and also yeah, I did say that, so anyhow... ")

Very artistic person in general, he can probably play the piano okay, he's no professional and no Apollo kid but he can play some songs, and they have enough practice to learn new songs on their own!!

Definitely was voted by camp to have the worst taste in music though

Says his favorite movie is probably "Bring It On" or "Heathers" of something similar, but his actual favorite film is one of those cliche silent black and white ones that's only available in French

They definitely did dance for a few years growing up, has a ballet, tap, and hip hope background to work with but he left it behind when we was 13 or so but eventually they start to get back into hip hop and keep up with various types and lessons and places through their 20s

He's always the person to start groupchats

They think they're fun but they rarely take off without prompting from him

Also often times plays matchmaker for people ("they would be a cute couple wouldn't they? I don't know though, does she like girls? I think so?")

Those are just some ideas off the top of my head, hopefully you enjoy!

[ljblueteak]

Throwing my hat into the “Why did Paul and Jane break up?” ring. There have been fantastic posts on this already, but looking at the McCartney bios by Sounes and Salewicz back-to-back has given me a slightly different perspective (this could all need to be tossed out if anything else about them comes to light/there’s other material I’m not aware of, which is more than possible, but here’s what I’ve got for now!) 

The short version: I think they split up because of a lack of long-term compatibility that they both recognized as they got older. They also grew to prefer different lifestyles and possibly also had different ideas about whether/when to start trying to have children. By the time they split up, Paul had already realized, according to the joint interview with Jane described in Hunter Davies’ 1968 bio, that it was “silly” of him to have expected Jane to do what the other Beatles’ partners had done and give up her career after marriage (Paul describing his expectation as having been “silly” is in Davies 308-309. The observation that all the other women who had “married in to the band” had given up their careers because that was “expected by men of [the Beatles’ background]” is in Sounes 189). Jane having a career she wanted to continue after marriage seems to have been resolved as a possible impediment before the split. The Salewicz bio suggests that what *may* have been a factor was the question of children, with Jane not wanting them to interfere with her career. However, it’s not clear from that bio when this question came up for them--whether it was closer to the time of the split or whether it had been discussed and resolved prior to their engagement. I think these are the main reasons they split. I don’t think his many, many, many affairs helped at all, but I think the above reasons are the main ones.

Jane and Paul got together when they were quite young (Jane was 17 and Paul was 20) and their interests diverged in a few ways that really mattered as they got older. As the bios have suggested, Jane wasn’t really into rock ‘n’roll and really wasn’t into the drug scene. Paul was into both (understatement!). This likely contributed to the tension that people like Marianne Faithful witnessed between them. In addition to that, they both seemed to realize that they didn’t ultimately “click.” For bio excerpts and more, please see below!

In terms of not actually “clicking,”which would be enough reason to end a relationship on its own, imo, here’s what Jane Asher had to say (sourced from the amazing @thecoleopterawithana via @amoralto: 

“No, it wasn’t love at first sight on my side. It was several months before I felt at all certain. And of course, I was young. Only seventeen. Inevitably, one changes. After all, Paul himself was only twenty when we met.

“I knew in my bones that the break must inevitably come a long time before it actually happened. Although we had this emotional thing for each other, we found it difficult to be really happy together....”

Jane Asher, interview w/ Godfrey Winn for The Australian Women’s Weekly: Girl with a broken love affair. (April 23rd, 1969)

And here’s Paul in Many Years From Now: 

“During that period with Jane Asher I learned a lot and she introduced me to a lot of things, but I think inevitably when I moved to Cavendish Avenue, I realized that she and I weren’t really going to be the thing we’d always thought we might be. Once or twice we talked about getting married, and plans were afoot but I don’t know, something really made me nervous about the whole thing. It just never settled with me, and as that’s very important for me, things must feel comfortable for me, I think it’s a pretty good gauge if you’re lucky enough. You’re not always lucky enough, but if you can feel comfortable then there’s something very special about that feeling. I hadn’t quite managed to be able to get it with Jane....She was a very intelligent and interesting person, but I just never clicked. One of those indefinable things about love is some people you click with and some people who you should maybe click with, you don’t” (264, 452-453). 

In addition to their own words, there are differing takes from observers about Paul and Jane’s compatibility and reasons for the split. Artists like Jann Howarth, who along with Peter Blake made the Sergeant Pepper art and had known the Beatles for “four years” before that observes in the Sounes bio that:

“I thought [Paul and Jane] were adorable together. She was wonderful. She was a very calm person and, in the middle of all this, you felt she was a wonderful balance for him, and you felt she was his equal for sure. It didn’t feel to me as though Paul was the big deal and she was trembling along behind, whereas you felt that a bit with Pattie Boyd and some of the other gals. I mean Cynthia was left standing still, basically, by John. Whereas you felt Jane was an absolute equal to Paul and had a very supple mind” (131). 

Howarth sees them as “adorable” together and says that Jane’s “Paul’s equal for sure” and doesn’t suggest that this is a source of tension in any way.

Marianne Faithful, who frequently visited Cavendish with Mick Jagger, seems to imply in her autobiography that a major cause for the tensions she observed between Paul and Jane were related to Jane’s career aspirations and that Paul had wanted “an old-fashioned Liverpool wife,” which is what he got with Linda. However, I think it’s worth noting that while there had been tensions about Jane’s career, as detailed in the Davies bio (though Paul had also been really excited about and supportive of Jane’s career), Paul had already recognized that he had been being “silly.” Of course, there may have been continuing tensions related to it, but it sounds like Paul realized he’d been wrong on the whole. In addition to that, Marianne and Mick were part of the rock ‘n’ roll drug crowd Jane disapproved of, so these tensions between Paul and Jane that Faithfull observed may very well also have been related to Jane not being thrilled about more drug-using rock ‘n’rollers taking over her house.  

Here’s the bit from Marianne Faithfull’s book via The Guardian:

Visits to Paul and Jane Asher weren't quite as relaxed. They were a bit uptight, and there were constant little frictions, but that's what happens when couples start to come apart. In any case, I was in a very different position from the one that Jane found herself in. I'd done what Paul wanted Jane to do, and given up my career. I wasn't going on tour with the Old Vic; I wasn't taking any more movie roles and very few parts in plays. Jane was a serious actress and wanted to continue her career, but Paul had other ideas. That's why Linda was so perfect for Paul; she was just what he wanted, an old-fashioned Liverpool wife who was devoted to her husband. Whatever we thought of Linda - and she didn't make that great an impression on me - I think it was a credit to Paul that he didn't marry a model. Because that's what all the others have ended up doing, they've married these models. And they have children who also become models.

The Guardian, 6 October 2007.

In his bio of Paul (which doesn’t directly address Faithfull’s comments), Sounes doesn’t suggest that the perception that Paul would be happy to be with someone who was prepared to let their own career take the backseat, at least for a time, is wrong (I do think it’s important to mention that in addition to her Wings career and solo/with Paul songwriting work, Linda also did work that didn’t involve Paul’s career at all down the line, like working on her cookbooks and frozen food line). But Sounes does say that it was much more than that that drew Paul and Linda together:

“Anything Paul wanted to do seemed possible with Linda, or Lin as he called her affectionately. She had bucket-loads of American confidence, which he liked. Both were relaxed and open about sex...Lin dug rock ‘n’ roll in a way Jane never had and unlike Jane, this American girl wasn’t uptight about drugs. Although a modern, liberated woman in some ways, Lin wasn’t a committed careerist. She was already tired of scratching a living as a rock ‘n’roll photographer, more than ready to settle down with a man who could look after her and Heather” Fab (215). 

Paul was also ready to start a family. Indeed, John Lennon suggested that part of what drew Paul to Linda was the “ready-made family.” In the same interview where John pointed out that Linda could provide a “ready-made family,” he claimed that Jane was not ready for children: “If Jane was to have a career, then that’s not a cozy family, is it?” Chris Salewicz’s Paul bio also addresses this, saying:

“A source of considerable contention between Paul and Jane--perhaps the cause of those adverse remarks about the theatre to Joe Orton--was her insistence that having children would interfere with her acting career. Yet, now that Paul had everything he could possibly ever want, all that remained to fulfill his life was the presence of children, something he had always desired far more than the other Beatles” (199).

While we (or at least I!) don’t know whether Paul and Jane had discussed the issue of children before they got engaged, disagreements over whether or when to have kids contribute to a fair number of breakups to this day--and they had plenty of good reasons, from just not “clicking” in the right way to disagreements over drugs, to break up anyway. 

[desiredmalfoy]

Your Sweater

Character: Pansy Parkinson

Theme: Angst; one-sided pinning

T/W: Self-hate, body image issues please be careful when reading if this triggers you. Please let me know if there is another trigger I forgot to mention.

Note: Takes place during sixth year. No Voldemort in this universe. Just for the purpose of this story, Remus is the permeant DADA professor (no curse).

This deals with a lot of heavy stuff that has to deal with self-hate. This idea came to me randomly one morning and I just wrote and came out with this.

Song Inspiration: Heather by Conan Gray

It would be no surprise to anyone that Pansy Parkinson had a crush on Draco Malloy. Unfortunately for her, her younger self had made it painfully obvious to everyone that Draco was her crush.  But as they grew older, she toned down her public affection for the boy. Opting that it was better for her public image to not be seen as the girl obsessed with Draco Malloy. Going as far as to joke with her friends that she’s glad her silly crush on Draco was over. If only they knew that her crush for him only grown and that it took all her strength to keep it hidden.

Pansy Parkinson no longer wanted to be seen as pathetic. Pathetic for chasing a boy who was never going to love you. 

I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater.

It was freezing and Pansy had stupidly forgotten her sweater in her dorm room. She forgot to grab it as she rushed out the door. She was in a rush to get to the Care of Magical Creatures class that was held outside by Hagrid. Normally she wouldn’t care about being late to such a pathetic class but she had received an owl from her parents. They had told her that they had been informed by her constant tardiness to this particular class. Her mother made it clear that no Parkinson should ever be displaying such behavior. And now she’s stuck outside running the risk of freezing to death.

She shivered as she attempted to keep herself warm with just her robe. It wasn’t bloody helping at all. 

She hadn’t noticed that Draco was watching her as she slightly bounced in place to attempt to keep warm. 

“Here”, Draco mumbled to her as he handed her his sweater. “Your shivering is distracting.”

“Thanks, Malfoy”, Pansy said with a slight eye roll. She took the warm sweater from his hands and tried to put it on as quickly as possible. “I’m surprised you want to hear anything Hagrid has to say.”

“I don’t”, Draco stated with an eye roll. 

It didn’t matter why he had given her his sweater. All that mattered to Pansy is that now his entire scent engulfed her. She longed for the moment he felt the same way she did.

Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty

Pug face

Pug face 

Pug face

She hated that nickname with a burning passion. No one dared to say it directly to her face. They were scared of what the young girl would do to them if they did. But Pansy heard as students uttered that idiotic name when she passed by. The first time she ever heard someone call her that was Potter and his little followers. These words stung her a bit but she quickly morphed her face back into a stoic expression. She acted as though she hadn’t just heard a bunch of Gryffindor's insult her about looks. Ever since that first encounter with it, it became more prominent in her head that quite a few people called her that. 

That horrid name is what had her in such a bad mood currently. It wasn’t helping that Draco was now walking towards their regular spot with you. 

You. The girl that magnified Pansy’s insecurities to a maximum. The girl who made Pansy realize every imperfection she had. The girl who had basically stolen her best friend.

The girl that was now wearing his sweater instead of Pansy. 

The girl who had soft green eyes with specks of brown, contrasted Pansy’s boring brown eyes. She hated that everyone thought everything about you was better compared to her. Because if it wasn’t the truth, Draco would be by her side and not yours.

You were the girl that had long beautiful brown hair that reached your waist. Hair that shined under the light and looked so soft to the touch. Your hair flowed with each of your delicate movements. While Pansy had the same brown hair but hers was short and plain. It was nothing special. It was cruel how the universe had gifted you both with brown hair yet it had cursed Pansy with plainness. While it gifted you the beauty that anyone would envy. 

And that envy was eating her up inside.

Kinda wish she were dead 

Pansy wished you had stayed in the shadows of (y/house). She had wished you had stayed a nobody to everyone. Just like you had previously before you waltzed into Draco’s life in sixth year and unfortunately Pansy’s life as well. But fate had cruelly paired Draco with you for DADA. Well... Professor Lupin had paired you with him. She loathes Lupin for deciding to ever pair you up with Draco. While she got stuck working with the git Goyle. 

She felt the anger boil within her as she saw Draco attempting to walk you through the wand movements of a simple defense spell. You were probably just pretending not to know so you could get close to him. 

Angered burned in her chest when she attempted to make fun of your pathetic excuse of magic use during DADA. Draco actually had the audacity to sneer at her for making fun of the pathetic girl. 

“Leave her alone Parkinson. She’s never done anything to you.”

Funny how the boy who never had a problem with making fun of anyone suddenly saw wrong in her actions. 

Those words burned in her brain as she saw your friendship with Draco begin to bloom. And there was nothing she could do to stop it. 

That friendship eventually blossomed into a relationship. 

She wished you would just disappear. Disappear from her life and most importantly Draco’s. 

Holding your hand. Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder.

“Why are we waiting again”, Pansy asked annoyed that they hadn’t left yet for their trip to Hogsmeade.

“We’re not even late”, Draco scoffed at her. “You can all leave and I’ll wait here.”

“Wait for what”, Pansy asked him again. Annoyed at the fact that she had once again been left out of something. 

“Are you really that dense Parkinson”, Blaise rolled his eyes at her. “He’s waiting for the (y/n).”

“Yeah it’s not like he hasn’t been fawning over her for the past weeks”, Goyle laughed. 

“Well, my life doesn’t revolve around Malfoy’s love life. So how would I know?” Of course he’d be waiting for her.

“Hi sorry I’m late”, (y/n) said as she ran running down the hall toward the group of Slytherins. “ I couldn’t find my favorite sweater.”

“Hi everyone”, she said sickingly sweetly as she waved to the group. They boys returned her greeting with a small wave. Pansy simply rolled her eyes. 

“I would’ve let you borrow mine”, Draco said as he grabbed her hand. This caused a frown to form on Pansy’s lips. Could you be any more annoying? 

“Let’s go already. I’m getting cold just standing around.”

“You’re so impatient Parkinson,” Blaise said with an eye roll. “Next time bring a better coat.” 

Draco was no longer paying attention to her. His full attention was on you. 

But you like her better, wish I were HER.

Pansy sat down at the table waiting for her date to return with their drinks. She had stupidly hoped Draco would gain some sense and ask her to the End of the Year Ball. But she was extremely naïve to even expect that much. She knew he was still dating (y/n) but deep down she wished he would’ve asked her.

She didn’t understand why Draco failed to pay attention to her. She was everything his parents wanted for him. A pure-blood that came from a good family with money. She was his perfect match.

But even she knew that Draco’s parents adored (y/n). Her mother had written her letting her know that Narcissa did nothing more then brag and fawn over your relationship with Draco. Her mother had rudely written “Maybe if you tried to be better Draco would actually notice you. Maybe if you were prettier.”

She watched from the edge of the great hall to the center of the dance floor where you had your arms placed around Draco’s neck. He stared deeply into your eyes, intoxicated by you. 

She just wished that was her. She wished she was his whole world.

Important: I know I described brown eyes in a negative light (because it’s supposed to be self-hating). Just know that brown eyes are beautiful! I have brown eyes too. Please love your brown eyes and don’t look down on them. I know that generally, people tend to look down on their brown eyes so that’s why I wanted to write this little note at the end.

Note: Pansy is one of my favorite character and I absolutely adore her. 

[365days365movies]

April 5, 2021: Arsenic and Old Lace (1944) (Recap: Part One)

Yeah, so...Spectrum exploded last night.

So, I'm unfortunately a little behind. BUT NEVER FEAR! I'll get back on time before you know it! So, uh...where were we last time? OH RIGHT! Let's talk about black comedy. And I don't mean black-and-white comedies, or comedies prominently featuring African-American culture and demographic. No, I mean dark comedies.

The "black comedy" functions off of macabre or taboo humor and jokes, and is often closely associated with biting satire and commentary in film. That definition is loose as hell, I know, but it's all about the subject matter. The most common subject matter for dark humor is death, of course, and related subjects to death. War, murder, strife, madness, and violence are also common topics here.

Some of the best comedies are black comedies, though. For example, Brazil (1985; dir. Terry Gilliam) focuses on themes of depression, dreams, terrorism, totalitarian governments, and madness. And it's GREAT. How about The Death of Stalin (2018; dir. Armando Iannucci)? The title ALONE should tell you everything you need to know about the tone and topic, AND YET...

It's HILARIOUS. And also informative! If you haven't seen it, I definitely recommend it. And again, that film is about, well...the death of Stalin, and the fallout of his disastrous and murderous regime. Dark, DARK topic, but very funny movie.

Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb is about war; Fargo is about murder in North Dakota; Heathers is about a toxic relationship and the death and murder of teenagers; Birdman, or The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance is about an actor's existential crisis and complete mental breakdown; and Trainspotting is about the devastating effects of drug addiction and features a DEAD BABY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE...and yet they're all full of laughs! Except for the baby scene. Fuck me, the baby scene in Trainspotting.

So, yeah, these are a diverse group of films, that's for sure. But where does it all start? There's 1942's To Be or Not to Be (dir. Ernst Lubitsch), which is about a Polish theatre company who need to escape in the midst of...well, 1942 Poland. If you don't get why that's dark, you should probably look up some history, bud. Charlie Chaplin would dip into the role in 1947's Monsieur Verdoux, which I mentioned last time. And there's the seldom-talked-about Kind Hearts and Coronets (dir. Robert Hamer), a 1949 film about murder for status, essentially.

But it's hard to argue that the most prominent early black comedy is 1944's Cary Grant vehicle, Arsenic and Old Lace.

Directed by Frank Capra, this film was based on a 1941 stage play, and is about...well, we'll get to it. While its prominence as a black comedy is one reason I'm watching this movie, the other is...well, to be honest, this is a movie I heard about CONSTANTLY from my Mom, as this is one of her favorites. And yet, like Dirty Dancing, I've somehow never seen it! Let's remedy that.

So, without further ado, let's get into it! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

The film starts off with a BANG, as a man calls me a “big simp” to my face! Actually, he’s screaming at a Brooklyn Dodgers game, where a massive fight breaks out. This fight quickly transitions to a city hall, where a line of people are waiting to file marriage licenses. Amongst the line is Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant) and Elaine Harper (Priscilla Lane).

Brewster is hiding from the press, as he’s a famous reviewer, and author of the Bachelor’s Bible, and it would be quite the scandal for him to get married. And yet, he’s head over heels in love with Elaine. After going through an existential crisis about the whole thing, he gives into Elaine’s sweet demeanor, and the two file their marriage license officially.

It’s Halloween day, and we move from the city to the suburbs of Brooklyn, where two policemen, O’Hara (Jack Carson) and Sanders (John RIdgely) are on patrol. Sanders tells O’Hara of the kindly Brewster Sisters, the sweetest women on Earth, both of whom live in the neighborhood. Currently, they are being visited by Reverend Harper (Grant Mitchell), Elaine’s father. He’s speaking with Abby (Josephine Hull) and Martha Brewster (Jean Adair), the kindly aunts of Mortimer. 

Also living there is Mortimer’s brother Teddy Brewster (John Alexander), who apparently believes that he’s Teddy Roosevelt, which is...hilarious. Dude is hilarious, seriously. The cops come over to visit the two, and collect some clothes and toys for local charity. Also, Teddy only leaves a room by screaming “CHAAAAARGE!!!”, and running up the stairs, and I love Teddy a lot.

Reverend Harper and the cops leave for the night, and the sisters settle down for the evening. Abby and Martha state that their plans for Elaine and Mortimer should go as scheduled, which is probably talking about their marriage. Abby also mentions that she’s done something while she was away, to Martha’s delight and surprise. They tell Teddy that he’ll soon be digging a new lock for the Panama Canal...whatever that means.

Martha’s about to go to the basement to see what Abby’s done, but she states that because she was all by herself, the surprise is in the window seat. As she’s about to look at the surprise, Elaine shows up in the window, and the two arrive to give the happy news that they’re married. Elaine goes to tell her father of the news, while Mortimer goes to tell his sweet aunts. Afterwards, the two will be on their honeymoon, going to Niagara Falls. And I should say, they’re quite a sweet couple.

After telling the news to his aunts, he asks them where his notes are for his new controversial book, Mind Over Matrimony. They go to look for it around the house, and Teddy comes downstairs, dressed up in attire to “go to Panama.” Aunt Abby comes across a childhood picture of Jonathan, Mortimer’s brother and apparently a violent sociopath or some sort. She goes to burn the picture (geez), and Mortimer continues to look for the notes. He goes to the window seat.

Yup! It’s a body! Looks like Abby and Martha’s sweet old lady act is a guise for some myurder! Which I know, just because it’s the most famous thing about the movie. However, Mortimer thinks the murderer is Teddy, and tells his sweet old aunts about the body, asking that he gets put into an asylum. But Abby notes that Teddy didn’t kill the man, and they already know about the body!

Which, yeah, surprises Mortimer, obviously.

Abby cheerfully admits that the man, Mr. Hoskins, was poisoned by a tainted glass of elderberry wine, and that they did so on purpose, hiding the body before the Reverend came for a visit. The whole thing isn’t a big deal; it’s just Abby and Martha’s little secret!

After they leave, and brush off the whole thing as easy as needlepoint or macramé as a hobby, Mortimer, is completely broken by the whole affair, and is partially convinced that he’s dreaming. All the while, Elaine’s trying to get Mortimer to come over and speak with her father. But Mortimer can’t exactly forget about this whole silly murder thing, and goes to confront his aunts about it. He learns that Teddy’s digging not a lock, but a grave in the cellar. As he’s done with 10 other bodies. Or maybe it’s 11 others?

After picking up a phone call from Elaine, then hanging up abruptly (and understandably), Mortimer finds out how this whole thing started. See, the two have a “Renters Wanted” sign in their front lawn, and the neighborhood thinks that it’s there so the two sweet old ladies can offer help to anyone in need, even though they aren’t actually renting to anyone. In reality...well, they do it for another reason.

See, an older gentleman stopped by a bit ago, and he had a heart attack right there in the living room. After seeing how peaceful he looked, the two decided to bring in other lonely old men and bring in the same kind of peace. And from there...well, yeah, you get the general idea. They’ve been poisoning them with arsenic, strychnine, and cyanide mixed in with elderberry wine. Apparently, Martha’s got the mixture just right so that it tastes delicious. With all this explained, they offer Mortimer a sip of wine. Which he’s understandably nervous about.

But with all of that done, Elaine comes over to check in on him. But he’s not able to tell her anything, which greatly (and understandably) confuses her. He basically kicks her out (which enrages her, once again understandably), and calls a judge with the intent to frame the whole affair on Teddy, who’s always been.unstable. Which, for the record, is not even SLIGHTLY going to solve the problem.

But as he’s on the phone, a man named Gibbs (Edward McWade) comes in to rent an apartment. He’s all alone in the world, with nobody to care for him. And of course, this leads to the women trying to poison him with the wine. It’s a funny yet tense moment as he stops just short of drinking the wine, distracted by Mortimer’s freakout over the phone. But Mortimer gets off the phone JUST in time to scare Gibbs away and stop him from drinking the wine. And it is...VERY funny, goddamn.

As Mortimer tries to tell the aunts exactly what’s wrong with what they’re doing, the phone rings. It’s a call from Witherspoon (Edward Everett Horton), who runs an asylum that Mortimer wants Teddy committed into. However, they don’t quite have room for him, as they have too many Theodore Roosevelts at present. However, they do need more Napoleon Bonapartes. I love this goddamn movie.

Still, Witherspoon agrees to take him in despite that, and Mortimer head out to get the paperwork done. However, he asks his aunts to not do anything until he gets back, and he also proises that he’ll attend the “services” for their latest victim. He leaves, and kinda steals a cabbie’s car in the process (I love this movie, I’m telling you), and Abby and Martha start shutting things down for the night. However, as they do, they get a mysterious knock on the door. They pretend not to be home...only for a man with an ominous scar to enter the room regardless.

Let’s pause here, shall we? See you in Part 2!

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

LETTERS FROM AN AMERICAN

June 27, 2021

Heather Cox Richardson

The big news today was a series of interviews that former attorney general William Barr did with Jonathan D. Karl of The Atlantic, in which Barr emphasized that former president Trump’s claims that he had won the 2020 election were “bullshit.”

What is interesting about this is not the idea that Barr stood against Trump’s claims of a win. In fact, shortly after the election, Barr fed the Big Lie. A week after the 2020 election, he overturned Justice Department policy to investigate “substantial allegations” of vote irregularities that “could potentially impact the outcome” of the election. Now he is saying that he took this unusual action because he knew Trump would ask him about allegations of fraud and wanted to be able to say he had looked into them. But his stance fed the idea that Trump had been cheated of victory.

That Barr is trying to spin the past now is a good indicator of current politics. While we are still in a dangerous moment, the former president is losing ground.

Trump’s Big Lie has a number of elements that echo the argument behind the organization of the Confederacy in 1861. Like the Confederates, the Big Lie inspired followers by calling for them not to destroy America, but to defend it. The insurrectionists of January 6, and those who continue to insist the election was stolen, do not think of themselves as domestic terrorists, but as patriots in the mold of Samuel Adams.

“Today is 1776,” Representative Lauren Boebert (R-CO) tweeted on January 6.

The Confederates, too, believed they were defending America. In February 1861, even before Republican President Abraham Lincoln took office on March 4, 1861, lawmakers for the Confederate States of America wrote their own constitution. It was remarkably similar to the United States Constitution—copied from it verbatim, in fact—except for three key changes that they believed made the original constitution better: they defended state’s rights, denied that the government could promote internal improvements, and prohibited any law that denied or impaired “the right of property in negro slaves.”

Confederate leaders convinced ordinary white men in the southern states that defending the expansion of human enslavement would be defending the nation against the “radicals” who valued the principles of equality outlined in the Declaration of independence.

On the basis of that powerful patriotism, they took their states out of the Union shortly after Lincoln was elected president, hurrying to secede while tempers were hot.

But, once they declared an insurrection, they found it hard to keep up enthusiasm for it. Confederate leaders approved the firing on Fort Sumter in April 1861 in part because interest in creating a new nation was fading. The new nation that had seemed exciting and inspiring in the holiday gatherings after the election seemed a little silly in the spring, when attention turned to planting. Sparking a crisis made sure that southern whites did not abandon the Confederacy. And, once the war had begun, white southerners were committed. Wars are far easier to start than to stop.

Trump’s insurrection seems to be facing the same waning enthusiasm that Confederate leaders faced. Saturday night, at his first large rally since January 6, Trump spoke at Wellington, Ohio, about 35 miles west of Cleveland. While attendees responded to his complaints about the election, many left early. Today Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) told CNN’s Jake Tapper, “there's a growing recognition that this is a bit like [professional wrestling]. That it's entertaining, but it's not real. And I know people want to say, yeah, they believe in the 'Big Lie' in some cases, but I think people recognize that it's a lot of show and bombast. But it's going nowhere. The election is over. It was fair….let's move on."

Rather than inspiring continued resistance, Trump increasingly looks like President Richard M. Nixon, whose support eroded as more and more sordid information about his White House came to light. Exposés of the Trump White House recently have shown his cavalier approach to the pandemic that has killed more than 600,000 Americans, and his willingness to employ force against peaceful protesters in summer 2020.

Last week, news broke that the Manhattan district attorney is considering criminal charges against the Trump Organization—news that will likely hurt the organization's ability to borrow money—and prosecutors have given the Trump Organization’s lawyers until Monday afternoon to finish their arguments about why the organization should not be charged. Further, we know a special grand jury is set to meet three times a week until November, suggesting that more information may be forthcoming.

And the ground seems to be giving way under the Big Lie, as well. Last week, the Republican-led Michigan Senate Oversight Committee threw out claims of voter fraud in the 2020 election and reiterated that President Joe Biden won fairly. A Georgia judge threw out most of the lawsuit calling for another inspection of ballots from Fulton County. And a New York court suspended Trump’s lawyer Rudy Guiliani from practicing law after it concluded that Giuliani made "demonstrably false and misleading statements to courts, lawmakers and the public at large in his capacity as lawyer for former President Donald J. Trump and the Trump campaign in connection with Trump's failed effort at reelection in 2020."

As the idea that the January 6 insurrectionists were not terrorists but patriots has become more and more far-fetched, the radical right has become more and more outrageous. Last week, for example, a contributor to the right-wing conspiracy network OAN repeated the lie that “voter fraud” undermined the 2020 election, and then suggested that those “involved in these efforts to undermine the election” deserve “execution.”

Meanwhile, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has announced that the House will be organizing a select committee to investigate the January 6 insurrection, and trials for the January 6 insurrectionists will be starting soon. Those trials will likely highlight the belief of the rioters that they were following the lead of then-president Trump to protect the country.

But, rather than looking like heroic patriots, they increasingly look like dupes. Barr’s effort to rewrite his actions is a good indication of which way he thinks the wind is blowing. When he left office shortly before the election, he wrote a glowing letter to his former boss promising to update him “on the Department’s review of voter fraud allegations in the 2020 election and how these allegations will continue to be pursued,” and promoting the rhetoric of those pushing the Big Lie: “At a time when the country is so deeply divided, it is incumbent on all levels of government, and all agencies acting within their purview, to do all we can to assure the integrity of elections and promote public confidence in their outcome.”  

Today’s article told a different story: “If there was evidence of fraud, I had no motive to suppress it. But my suspicion all the way along was that there was nothing there. It was all bullshit.”

—-

Notes:

Lauren Boebert @laurenboebertToday is 1776.5,948 Retweets42,655 Likes

January 6th 2021

http://www.civildiscourse-historyblog.com/blog/2019/7/31/constitutions-of-the-united-states-and-confederate-states-a-comparison

https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2021/06/william-barrs-trump-administration-attorney-general/619298/

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/26/us/politics/trump-rally-ohio.html

https://www.cnn.com/2021/06/27/politics/mitt-romney-donald-trump-rallies-cnntv/index.html

https://www.cnn.com/2021/06/25/politics/trump-organization-weisselberg-charges/index.html

https://www.cnn.com/2021/06/27/politics/2020-election-falsehoods-voting/index.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-organization-charges-deadline/2021/06/27/d944a822-d5e0-11eb-9f29-e9e6c9e843c6_story.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/context/read-william-barr-s-resignation-letter-to-president-trump/2b0820cb-3890-498a-bd46-c1b248049c70/

LETTERS FROM AN AMERICAN

HEATHER COX RICHARDSON

[let-me-write-shit]

Like We Used To: 3

A/N: Hey guys! I’m glad some of you are enjoying my story so far! I love the feedback and messages. Please don’t hesitate to message me. Suggestions, comments, or even theories. Happy reading!

[ONE]  [TWO]

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CHAPTER THREE

The girls had stayed behind at the wedding venue to gather the gifts, decor pieces, and a few leftover disposable cameras while the guys made their way over to the rental manor after Kate and Lewis. It was a long few months of wedding planning, so being able to relax with each other was much appreciated. Elizabeth and Daisy took a lot of silly pictures on the disposable camera in the limo ride to the manor and Heather had made a verbal reminder to herself that she needed to get the film developed after the weekend ended.

It wasn’t long before the limo was pulling down the long, tree-lit drive of the beautifully restored manor. The girls spilled out of the limo, smiling up at the building in awe before grabbing their things and heading to the entrance. As soon as the doors opened up, you could hear the boys’ booming voices making fun of each other over music playing in the background.

“Girls are here!” Owen called out, coming up to them and helping with some of the bags, followed by the rest of them.

“Oh, thank god!” Kate squeezed through the boys, giving each of the girls a little hug.

It looked like Kate, Lewis, Jimmy, and Owen had managed to get a shower in while Matt and Edward just took their ties off, loosened the buttons on their shirt collars, and untucked their shirts from their pants. 

“Now you girls can head on up to the first and second floors. Any room with a door open is available, so bring your things up with you. And every room has a shower. We’ll be down here getting some drinks ready for you!” Kate continued

“Is Harry here yet?” Daisy asked, excitedly.

“No, not yet,” Kate smiled at her before eyeing Elizabeth hesitantly.

Elizabeth nodded as if to say ‘it’s okay’ before heading to the stairs with the rest of the girls. There were two bedrooms left on the first floor with Kate, Lewis, Owen, and Jimmy, so Heather and Elizabeth decided to take them. Up on the second floor the bedrooms belonged to Edward, Matt, Celeste, Daisy, and eventually Harry when he got there. 

Elizabeth’s room was quite spacious. It definitely had a victorian quality about it, but was modernized with a marble walk-in shower. She dropped her bags on the Queen sized bed  and made her way to the bathroom, liking the idea of a hot shower. She turned on the shower head and examined herself in the mirror while the water heated up. Her wavy hair had lost its bounce and her makeup was starting to separate due to the sweat which made her look tired. Elizabeth supposed that was a good thing, as it was a sign of a good day. But she felt wide awake, excited to celebrate some more with her friends. She ran her fingers at the neckline of her silk dress, almost sad to take it off. She did love the way she looked in it, and if she was honest, was glad that this was how Harry saw her after nine years.

The steam of the hot water running down her body relaxed her and gave her a moment of clarity. Harry was back. She knew she had mixed emotions about that fact, but he was here and everyone else seemed to be happy about it, nevertheless. Elizabeth decided that she was going to be okay with it. She still wanted to keep a healthy amount of distance from him. I mean, the first time he left was hard enough, she definitely didn’t want to let her guard down. But, she resolved that wasn’t going to let some dumb ass insecurities ruin her weekend.

Elizabeth towel dried her hair as much as she could, slipped into her light peach tie dyed lounge set, and rubbed her sore feet before pulling on some socks and grabbing her phone. 10:42 PM. The night was still young. She bounced down the stairs and followed the sound of her friends voices to what seemed like a parlor room filled with two four-seater couches on either side of a fireplace, which Jimmy had apparently managed so start a fire in and was prodding the logs with an iron poker, and two rather large armchairs at the end of the couches. It looked like Heather and Celeste had the same idea as she did, because their hair was damp and they were now fresh-faced. Daisy, however, had just thrown her platinum hair in a perfect messy bun, got into a crop-top sweat set, and kept her makeup on. It didn’t look like Harry had arrived yet. 

“Lizzy!” Matt called over, patting the tiny bit of space next to him on one of the armchairs. There was plenty of room on the two couches, but she squeezed beside him while Kate had disappeared and quickly reappeared with Elizabeth’s go-to drink. A Moscow Mule. Elizabeth whispered a ‘thank you, love’, so as not to disrupt the conversation happening in the room and Kate sat at the end of the couch next to her husband, Owen, and Heather.

“I see JJ started the fire,” Elizabeth noted aloud while the others confirmed with a nod, “So did we all learn from our last camping fail not to let Edward near it,” she sneered with a grin.

“Oi!” Edward shouted from the chair next to her as the friends all laughed and she felt Matt’s arm jerk behind her back to swat at Edward.

“The dumbass almost burnt down our cabin!” Celeste recalled, making them all laugh harder.

The sound of the front door opening and closing followed by footsteps made everyone turn to look at the entrance of the room. Elizabeth had to crank her head back to be able to see and was met with Harry’s gaze.

“Hey!” Harry smiled and waved. He had clearly taken a shower and had changed into a casual long sleeve sleeping shirt and some lounge pants, carrying a small duffel bag. His rings no longer covered his fingers.

“Harry! Glad you made it!” Lewis called, standing up. They patted each others back when they were within range and Lewis said, “Come on, let me show you to your room.”

“You’re across from me!” Daisy called out. Harry turned back and chuckled in response to her before he was out of sight.

“Jesus, Daisy!” Celeste snorted, rolling her eyes while the others laughed and shook their heads.

Once Lewis and Harry joined them back in the room with some more drinks, Harry had taken a seat on the other couch next to Jimmy, Celeste, and Daisy. Immediately the conversations, like always with this group, had gotten a little out of control with laughter to the point of tears. Many pictures were taken on the disposable cameras and even more drinks were made. Eventually Heather and Owen had excused themselves to go to bed and the conversation died down a bit. With Matt’s arms resting on Elizabeth’s legs that had been strewn across his in the chair, he whispered in her ear something about getting more drinks when a small piece of ice was chucked at them and had landed on his arms. 

“If you two are quite finished flirting, then.” Celeste smirked.

“He wishes,” scoffed Edward, which provoked another smack from Matt.

Kate busted into laughter, “Do you remember when they hooked up with each other after college graduation?” Which caused  even more laughter from the bunch with some saying ‘Holy shit, I forgot about that!’

“Wait, what? Really?” Harry straightened up, looking between the two of them with a slightly intrigued and surprised look. Harry had known them since they were fourteen, and back then he probably couldn’t picture that ever happening.

Matt chuckled and joked, patting Elizabeth’s back, “What can I say? I was able to do what every guy in our friend group wanted to do since junior high. I’m a stud.”

“Relax, stud,” Elizabeth blushed, elbowing him in the chest, “It was just a kiss. I’m pretty sure everyone here has kissed each other at least once at some point.”

“Was there some sort of sexual awakening after I left or something?” Harry joked, with nods and laughter from the rest, “Vecause back then it was only Kate and Lewis snogging each other.”

“Remember when Celeste and Edward actually hooked up last year?” Lewis remembered.

“Hell yeah! Broke my two-year dry spell with that!” Edward winked at her.

“And you haven’t had any action since,” Elizabeth quipped, causing an eruption of laughter.

“Alright, alright!” Celeste grinned sheepishly. “We said we would never mention that night again!”

“I bet there will be at least three hookups by the end of the weekend,” Lewis said, assuredly with a nod of agreement from Kate.

Harry looked at them, amused, “Who?”

“Right, should we make bets? Ten bucks each. The one with the most guesses correct by the end of the weekend wins. Ties split.” Jimmy suggested followed by yelps and hoots of acceptance. Harry hesitantly agreed.

“Well, obviously JJ, Heather, Owen, and the bride and groom here are out since they’re in relationships,” Matt thought allowed, “but I reckon that Celeste and Edward will get together after having one too many.” Everyone agreed except for Celeste and Kate.

Then Edward said, “Alright, and I think that Matt and Elizabeth will make out at least once,” to which only Daisy and Celeste agreed.

Kate smiled apprehensively, “Sorry, but I think it’s more likely to be Elizabeth and Harry.”

Elizabeth blushed and her eyes widened, shooting daggers towards Kate as Jimmy, Lewis, and Celeste agreed. She felt Harry’s eyes on her, but she avoided his gaze, unable to look at him. They are out of their minds! What was Kate thinking?

Jimmy spoke up, “And I think Daisy is going to try to get with every available person here. And I mean every available person here.” He wiggled his eyebrows at the girls. A harmonious laughter of agreement emitted from the entire group.

The night continued with more banter. Everyone had agreed upon what to do when they woke up. They had planned on taking the inner tubes out on the manor’s private lake in the morning and having a BBQ. Daisy, after a few drinks and expressing her deep love for everyone there, managed to kiss both Celeste and Edward. “Two down, three to go,” Jimmy sniggered. Slowly the group started to lighten as people were excusing themselves to go to bed. 

Eventually it was only Daisy, Harry, Matt, and Elizabeth left. Daisy was nodding in and out of consciousness, the fire was now burned out, and Elizabeth was still comfortably smushed next to Matt on the chair with her legs draped over his and her head resting on his chest. Even though she had told herself she wasn’t going to ignore Harry, she still felt herself at a loss for what to say to him. She still felt confused. Elizabeth just wound up twiddling her thumbs while him and Matt conversed or giving short replies when Harry tried to talk to her.

Daisy suddenly stood up and mumbled, “I’m going to bed,” before making her way out of the room.

“Yeah, that’s not a bad idea. I think I should head up, too,” Matt yawned, patting Elizabeth’s legs and sliding out from under her to get up, stretching.

Elizabeth caught Harry’s eyes which read a sort of hesitance, almost as if he was waiting on her to say something. She stood up after Matt and said, “Yeah, me too.”

As they made their way up the steps, she felt Harry behind her, obviously deciding he didn’t want to be the only one up. Matt stopped at the top of the landing to give Elizabeth a hug and a friendly peck on the cheek, wishing her a goodnight and bounded the stairs to the next floor where his room was. Elizabeth was almost at her door when she heard a sad, soft, “Goodnight, Lizzy.” But when she turned around, Harry was already halfway up the steps after Matt.

Elizabeth threw herself onto the bed, turning over to click off the light and look out the window. It would have been pitch dark in the room if it weren’t for the light glow of the crescent moon shining through her window. Elizabeth felt like she failed. Everyone else was so happy and comfortable around Harry after so much time. It didn’t make sense why she was the only one that didn’t feel the same. 

Just when she started to slip under the sheets, she heard a soft tapping at her door. “One second,” she called, slipping back out of bed and towards the door. When she opened it she tensed, seeing Harry nervously standing there. “Oh...uh…” she started.

Harry cut her off, “I just didn’t want to go to bed thinking I was crazy. Is it just in my head, or have you been trying to avoid me?” He smiled, anxiously, trying to lighten the tension.

Elizabeth stuttered, shocked at this confrontation, “No, I...Sorry. It’s just…” she paused for a second before straightening up. She wasn’t going to chicken out. If he really wanted to know, she would be honest, “You want the truth? You really want to have a whole-ass heart to heart at 2 AM?”

Harry blinked before nodding his head, his smile starting to fade. A creak was heard from the hallway and they both turned, half expecting someone to be peering out of their room, but they didn’t see anyone. Still, Elizabeth didn’t want anyone listening in, so she stepped to the side and invited him in. He sat at the edge of her bed, hands clasped, and watched her, waiting for her to say something. She stood by the closed door, collecting her thoughts as she had so much she wanted to say, before starting.

“I don’t know, Harry. This is awkward! It shouldn’t be so awkward, but it is! Everyone else seems to be perfectly fine with the fact that you’re here, but I honestly don’t know how to feel. I mean you left me! For nine years I hadn’t heard a word from you. You managed to keep in touch with Lewis and Kate just fine, but why not me?” Elizabeth started pacing the room and started letting it all out. “I mean you were my best friend, for Christ sake. When Kate and Lewis finally got together it was basically you and me every single day! But as soon as you started getting a little bit of attention, you stopped talking to me. I felt crazy. For years I felt like maybe...maybe I just thought we were better friends than we actually were. There’s no way I could have meant that much to you if it was so easy for you to leave the way you did. Then you show up here expecting everything to be all peachy. Everyone else can forgive and forget so easily, Harry. But I’m struggling here.” 

By the time she had finished she had felt a lump in her throat the size of a golf ball and her eyes stung as she tried to hold back her tears. She didn’t mean to get so emotional. But she would not allow herself to cry. She didn’t want to show weakness.

An uneasy silence filled the room. It felt like a lifetime before Harry finally spoke, clearing his voice, “I’m so sorry, Lizzy.” Elizabeth looked over at him and could see his eyes were slightly glassy. And instead of his usual lopsided smile it was turned down into a slight frown. He wiped the inner corner of his eye and continued, “I was trying to think of all the reasons for why I did what I did, but they all seem so….fucking stupid now.” He hit the covers lightly, seeming annoyed with himself. “You’re right. I was being a dumbass. And you were not crazy to be upset. You were my best friend. I know you always had Kate. And obviously our friend group was there. I mean there was Lewis and Celeste and JJ and Matt. But...you were my best friend. You knew more about me than anyone else in that group. I’m…..fuck. There’s no excuse. I’m so sorry!”

Elizabeth stared at him as he spoke. She was expecting excuse upon excuse. Definitely not that. She could hear the frustration in his voice and saw the sadness in his eyes. He meant what he said. Elizabeth softened up, “A lot has changed in nine years, Harry. I know we’ve all been picking up where we left off, but we’re not the same as we were when we were seventeen.”

Harry nodded, “I know. You’re right, and neither am I. So….I’m hoping we can use this weekend to get to know each other again. Or...I can get to know everyone again. We can get ourselves reacquainted. I may not be exactly the same, but I’m not that much different.” He noticed her hesitance before adding, “I promise, Lizzy. I promise I won’t leave like that again.”

Elizabeth let her lips twitch upwards into a small smile. Harry’s eyes softened and his eyebrows raised, searching for some kind of response in her face. He must have seen it, because he smiled his bright white smile and outstretched his hands to her in a mock handshake and said, “Hi. My name is Harry Styles. I used to be your best friend before I ruined that. Nice to meet you, again.”

Elizabeth let out a small laugh and a tear that threatened to leave her eye finally spilled out. She quickly wiped it away and swatted his hand, “No, we’re not doing handshakes.” She said, finally allowing herself to propel into his arms. He tightened his arms around her embrace and let his cheek press onto the top of her head. Although he was bigger than he once was, and older, his hug felt the same. The familiar feeling of warmth, comfort, and safety embodied her. 

They stayed like that for a while before Harry whispered, “You smell good.”

“Don’t make it weird,” Elizabeth snorted into his chest, pausing before she said, “But so do you.”

Harry laughed and they pulled away, smiling at each other. “Ok. I guess I should…”

“Yeah.” Elizabeth nodded, walking him to the door and opening it for him.

He stepped into the hall and turned to face her. With a warm grin he said, “Goodnight, Lizzy.”

“Goodnight.” Elizabeth whispered, and closed the door.

She stood there for a second, letting what just happened sink in before climbing back into bed and under the covers feeling a warmth grow in her chest. She started to feel the wall that she built up to protect herself start to crumble. This was either going to be really good, or really bad.

Keep Reading

[bush-viper-cutie]

“Final Exams Week” || YEAR 3 – Ch.33 (HP au)

                              Chapter List

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Day posted: 12/4/2020

Word count: 3, 416

Relationship: EVENTUAL severus X oc (slow burn)

Rating: E for everyone

Warnings: none

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A/N: This is my first fan fic I’m writing mainly as a way to practice. This is a retelling of the hp books with an inserted character. Although most every character will be written about, this is mostly for the pro snape fandom. Please do not fear, although this is a severus x oc story, it is an incredibly slow burn as I do not intend for them to get together at all until after the final book events. Chapters will be posted twice a week.

This derivative work follows the events of the Harry Potter books by Jk Rowling and is intended as a fun way to practice my writing. Thank you for reading :D

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Heather ran her tongue against her front teeth and squinted at the words on the page. The sun was shining down on her stolen potions book and no matter how she moved her head to block it, the glossy ink kept blinding her. She sighed and let her head fall back against the rough bark of the tree she was leaning on.

“Angelina said she’d work all summer to afford a firebolt – ”

“The team would be unstoppable then!”

Heather quickly stuffed the potions book in her bag and stood to face Harry and Ron as they approached. “Won’t you act the least bit disappointed you lost the Quidditch Cup? For me? Just for show.”

Ron nearly tripped and slid down the small hill in his attempt to suppress a laugh. “Just face it Heather. You saw how fast Harry was. Next year Gryffindor will win every match, the Quidditch Cup, and the House Cup. And the year after that, and the one after that. There’s no stopping the firebolt!”

“As if.”

“Catch!” Harry tossed a can of iced pumpkin juice at her. “We’ll get you a firebolt over the summer and then maybe Slytherin might be able to keep up.”

Heather caught it and dropped back onto her spot facing the lake. “You know we can’t afford it. And since we can’t, I think a week of gloating is quite enough from you two. You’ve only won a measly match.”

“Says the losing team,” Ron laughed.

Harry and Ron sat beside her and took out their textbooks.

“I can’t believe it’s almost June.” Harry flipped through the pages of his textbook lazily.

“How’re we supposed to study for our exams with all this homework?” Ron turned the pages one by one while staring at the giant squid as it propelled itself out of the water, twirled, and splashed back down.

Tiny waves crashed on the lake shore as laughter could be heard from the other students basking in the sun on the grassy castle grounds.

Heather picked at the can of ice cold pumpkin juice with her nail, wedged it underneath the tab, and plucked it up hearing the tantalizing fizz. She smiled and pressed the opening to her lips.

“WHAT are you three doing!”

Ron, Harry, and Heather screamed as Hermione came out from behind their tree.

“You should be studying for exams!” Hermione handed them each a paper with their study schedules along with their exam times.

Harry waved his textbook in her face. “We’re already doing that.”

Hermione pushed the book away and placed a single hand on her hip. “Not out here. There’s too much distraction.” She dragged the three of them into the castle and forced them to sit down in the much quieter Great Hall during study hour. “Now you can ask the Professors any questions you have.”

Heather, Harry, and Ron grumbled as the summer air blew through the doors.

Heather glanced at Hermione’s exam times and frowned.

‘Monday:

9 o’clock, Arithmancy

9 o’clock Transfigurations

Lunch

1 o’clock, Charms

5 o’clock, Care of MC

11 o’clock, Astronomy

Wednesday:

10 o’clock, Herbology

Lunch

1 o’clock, Defense Against DA

1 o’clock, Ancient Runes

3 o’clock, History of Magic

5 o’clock, Potions

5 o’clock, Muggle Studies’

“Hermione. I don’t think Snape will let you leave early to take your Muggle Studies exam or arrive late from it.” Heather watched Hermione stuff the paper in her bag and push her hair behind her ears.

“Of course not. That’s silly.”

Ron pulled a face. “Then you’ve copied the times wrong.”

“No.” Hermione snapped. “And might I remind you, you’ve got two essays due tomorrow. Now… I NEED to study so no more interruptions – Where’s my copy of ‘Numerology and Grammatica’? Have you seen it?”

“Yeah, I used it for a bit of bedtime reading last night,” Ron mumbled.

Heather pulled the book out from under a stack of five and slid it roughly across the table to her. How could Hermione not trust them? After everything they’d been through? What. Was she afraid of spilling her punctuality secrets?

Hedwig flew down and landed on the large stack of books besides Heather. She pulled the letter out of her beak and handed it to Harry to read while she smoothed down Hedwig’s fluffy white feathers.

“From Hagrid.” He turned the note over and flipped it open. “Buckbeak’s appeal… Its set for the sixth of June. That’s next month…”

“That’s the last day of exams,” Hermione said from behind her book.

“Well they’re coming up to the school for it with a Ministry official… and an executioner.”

Hermione gasped.

Ron took the note out of Harry’s hand and turned it around to read for himself. “That’s not bloody fair!”

“Mr. Weasley!” Professor McGonagall gave them menacing eyes from the High Table.

“It doesn’t sound like they’ll be very willing to hear Hagrid out.” Heather gripped her quill tight and poked holes into her parchment. “Not fair at all. Poor Buckbeak.”

“It’s Malfoy’s fault.” Harry looked around for him, ready to stare daggers.

“Yeah, and I’ve got a stack of handwritten Hippogriff research scrolls to shove down his throat. Where is he?” Ron stood, searching with Harry for their target.

“Do not make things worse with him,” Heather warned.

Although she managed to settle them down to study that day, she could not help the growing hostility between them for the next several days. However subdued Draco had been after the Slytherin Gryffindor match loss was all in the past now. Draco had regained his confidence after hearing from his father about Buckbeak’s scheduled beheading, thinking it was all thanks to him, and was now parading around the castle with Lockhart’s same pompous attitude.

After his daily dose of bragging, gloating, and boasting he took extra time from his busy schedule to sneer at them from afar, whisper rude comments about it in the corridors, and even pass taunting notes to Harry and Ron during classes.

‘Ignore him’ was all Heather and Hermione were saying until exam week began, and an unusual silence fell upon the castle. Even Percy was going around shushing anyone who disturbed the quiet of the corridors.

“People are studying!” he hissed at a group of second years before going back to soundlessly reciting charms and spells on his way up to the Gryffindor common room.

“He’s almost as bad as Hermione,” Ron noted, turning around to watch Hermione bump into student after student from behind a leather-bound book so large it hid even her bushy hair.

Harry eyed Heather as she doodled in her art journal as they walked. “How are you managing to not have a mental collapse like them?”

Heather scoffed. “For the same reason the Slytherins and Ravenclaws never worry over exams. Slytherins are always studying and Ravenclaws are always OVER studying – It’s not impressive they could pass next year’s exams, it’s annoying. They should stop bragging.”

They sat all of Monday’s exams and by late dinner the whole school was spent and puffy eyed. Heather sat with Pansy and her friends who were all talking about the tasks for Transfigurations, particularly the one that involved turning a brick into a crow.

“Yours looked like a raven.”

“Did you see Cindy’s magpie?”

“I heard Neville’s was still red – ”

“I heard Neville’s was still a brick.”

Heather rolled her eyes and turned away. Almost everyone at the table was bragging about their results, which would be fine if she wasn’t a little insecure about her transfiguration and charm skills. As much as she tried, Hermione was always better and got the spells faster than Heather did. The only reason she wasn’t more worried about her skills on those subjects were mostly due to Ron and Harry and their consistently horrible attempts.

Draco turned to Heather and smiled. “Know what I Saw in the crystal ball?”

“Was it Hermione smacking you again?”

He frowned and stabbed his fork into his potato salad. “No. That pigeons head rolling around those pumpkins. Got perfect marks for that too.”

“That’s funny. I saw YOUR head rolling around the boy’s urinals. Perfect marks on that prediction as well.”

Draco set down his fork and slid his wand out of his sleeve and pointed it at her, hidden from view of the High Table. “Is that a threat, Potter?”

Heather scoffed and leaned forward. “It is if you don’t stop talking about murdering that poor creature.”

He laughed and nudged Goyle beside him. “Hear that? She thinks she can take me.”

Heather had better things to do than sit around the table entertaining Draco and the two goons beside him. She still had Astronomy to study for and got up to join the several other students who were gathering at the astronomy tower to go over star charts and planet paths.

The test was on the last century only and as much as she hated when Harry cheated, even she knew he’d need her answers to pass. What star constellation was visible during the mountain troll attack of Hogsmeade in 1901? What planetary alignment led to the invention of self-tying brogues? The easiest part was the final question which asked what the current visible stars, constellations, and planets were.

After the test Professor Sinistra collected their telescopes and let them hang around for a few minutes while she put them away.

Ron’s hair danced in the wind as he leaned over the stone half-wall and squinted through the darkness at the grounds. “Er… Harry? Did YOU remember to put our Salamander away after the exam?”

Harry pulled him back and leaned over the wall, holding his glasses securely to his face as he looked down. “I’m sure Hagrid will notice the small fire…”

Heather looked down and saw tiny flames growing in the bushes on the outskirt of the forbidden forest. “Is there ever a year where you two WON’T damage the school in some way?”

“What did we do first year?” Harry pulled them back and together headed down the tower stairs.

If they still had their invisibility cloak Heather would have suggested going down to tell Hagrid about it and also taken the opportunity to check in on him – which they hadn’t been able to do for several weeks due to the strict rules on Harry and her because of Sirius Black. The strict rules wouldn’t be much of a problem, except the cloak was still down in the one-eyed witch’s tunnel which was under constant guard of Snape, Filch, and Mrs. Norris after their last talk and Heather’s outburst in Snape’s office.

She didn’t think there was anyone as naturally suspicious and distrustful as Snape was. The way he could smell out trouble and deceit and stay on his intuition was impressive in some ways and just downright annoying now that she disliked him.

The next day was spent studying for Wednesday’s exams in the common room during the morning – since Harry and Ron had stayed up late and were fast asleep during valuable studying hours – and the library and study hall in the afternoon with Hermione as frantic as ever.

“Oh! Why is there so much to know!” Hermione gathered all her notes and pulled at her hair. “I-I’m going to go splash water on my face.” She stood with a thick pile of notes in her hand and walked away from their table towards the large Great Hall doors.

Heather bit her lip and ran to catch up to her. “I’ll go with you. I could quiz you with those notes while you dunked your whole face in water if you wanted.”

Hermione stopped her and shook her head. “Oh, no, that’s alright Heather.” She stood waiting for Heather to turn around and march back to Harry and Ron.

“I don’t mind.” Heather crossed her arms.

Hermione nodded slowly and handed her the stack of notes. “Wonderful.” She walked out of the Great Hall and down the corridor towards the girl’s bathroom.

Heather looked through the notes and found the ones for Ancient Runes. “What’s – er – the symbol with the bug and two lines mean?”

“Too easy. It’s the letter ‘B’. Give me actual sentences.” Hermione turned the cold water on and ran her hands under.

“Hermione. How are you going to take this exam at the same time as Defense Against Dark Arts? In fact, how have you been attending this class at all?” Heather stared at Hermione reflection and watched her look around the sink.

She frowned and turned off the running water. “I – well – You’re supposed to be quizzing me. I have six exams tomorrow – ”

“You’re keeping a secret. I know it Hermione. I can understand why you wouldn’t tell Harry and Ron… but me? Last year you got upset that – ”

“Yes I know! But… I’m sorry, I’m just not allowed to tell. I swore I wouldn’t.” Hermione took back her notes and looked down at her shoes. “You can go back. I’m staying here for a minute.”

Heather clenched her jaw and ignored the tightness in her chest that made her want to tear up. Before she had friends she’d always found it easy to hold back tears. Now it was hard to not show her emotions around them, even when she was hurt and sad. “Just tell me. Please? You’ve hardly been around while somehow being around and if it’s because of this secret so why not just let me know? We’re best friends.”

Hermione looked up with watery eyes. “Then why don’t you share your secret first?”

Heather looked around at the dirty tiled floor and up at the streaky mirror. Should she come clean about the raskovnik growing in her charmed pot? She’d have to explain then about the stolen library books as well…

“I know you and Draco hung out over the summer. You went to his house. I overheard it.” Hermione wiped at her eyes and huffed. “He’s always using the word mudblood, always fighting with Ron and Harry, and now he’ll be responsible for Buckbeak’s death… and you’re friends with him. Harry doesn’t even know you’ve been INSIDE his house.”

“It was only a few days! I swear! I hated it there but I NEEDED to. You don’t understand how it is in Slytherin. Flint doesn’t even want me on the team for being a girl. I have to keep up the drills and beat all those stupid boys who are all so much stronger than me! I don’t even know what I’ll do next year if Flint doesn’t get held back again and some other idiot becomes team captain.” Heather pressed her palms to her eyes and sniffed. “I have to prove I’m not weak because I’m a girl. I have to prove I’m not weak because I’m a half-blood. I have to prove I’m not a house traitor because of Harry.” Heather wiped her nose on her sweater sleeve and sighed. “I don’t get to relax comfortably in a house that just accepts me… Everyone’s always watching me, waiting to see me trip up and prove them all right… And then I’m stuck all summer in a house that forbids magic? I’m sorry Hermione… please understand? I know how horrible he is to us. But I needed his help.”

“I… do. I’m sorry I know it must be hard not being in Gryffindor with us. But who cares what they think? They’re all just a bunch of blood-purists. You have us aleways. And we don’t judge you or anyone else like that.” Hermione hugged her and pulled away.

Heather nodded and wiped the few tears that had escaped. She was relieved Hermione forgave her. Maybe if Harry found out, would he too? Although it might be harder after Buckbeak’s appeal depending on the outcome. “What’s your secret then?”

Hermione sighed and hugged her arms. “I really can’t say… yet… Look, I swear I’ll tell you on the train. But you can’t tell Harry or Ron… ESPECIALLY not Ron. He could mess up the whole world and even worse, get me expelled.”

Heather nodded and they sealed the deal with a hand shake. She walked back into the Great Hall and a minute later Hermione followed and was back to her usual frantic self.

The next morning was the Herbology exam which had them out in the sun baking to crisps in the greenhouses. Defense Against the Dark Arts exam was after lunch and Professor Lupin had made them some sort of obstacle course outside.

“Oh no…” Heather’s eyes swept across the transformed grounds closest to the lake at the small pool labeled ‘Grindylows’, the field of potholes labeled ‘Red Caps’, and the patch of marsh labeled ‘Hinkypunks’.

“The end of the exam is hidden. Full marks to those who come out the right tree.” Professor Lupin smiled and signaled the start of the exam.

They waded through the pool – holding their socks and shoes in one hand and their wands in the other – then jumped over the Red caps, squished through the marsh while Hinkypunks shouted misleading directions, and headed into the trees. Heather stayed on the marked path and tried to figure out the correct tree. There was a large tree the width of Hagrid’s shack with a large hole carved out the side. It looked hungry, with its gaping mouth showing the darkness that would engulf anyone who entered.

Harry was the first to crawl in with Hermione, Heather, and Ron following in right after. With wands up they fought the new boggart that was shoved into a hollowed branch. For her turn, Heather swallowed as it slithered out from its hole in the darkness and dropped to the ground just beyond the light of her wand.

“Riddikulus!” Heather shouted, before it could manifest into anything. A bouncing red and gold ball rolled into the light. She shot a simple spell at it and it shot back into its hole, wedging in tight.

Almost everyone had received full marks, except poor Neville who had to face his grandmother telling him Snape would be his new grandfather. He was so shaken up several students had to help walk him up to their next exam, History of Magic.

Heather was fairly certain she’d passed all her exams so far, and was now worried about potions.

“After this we’re free!” Ron skipped down the corridor. “The last exam of the year!”

Heather could still hear herself shouting at Snape to shut up and the look of pure rage on his face. She was going to fail. She knew it. He hadn’t even given her detention for that – nothing. He was waiting for this exam to get back at her and Harry.

“We’re going to fail this one.” Heather shook Harry’s arm as they walked down the dungeon stairs. “He’s going to give us low marks out of vengeance!”

Harry pushed her away. “What’s new?”

“He’s never done that to me! You, I understand, but I always get high grades! Second to Malfoy – ”

Hermione huffed. “I thought you were second to me.”

They took their seats near the back of the classroom.

“No… Second to Malfoy but I’d be first if he’d just let me ‘study’ with him – ”

“Silence.” Professor Snape stood from his desk and began explaining the exam.

They were afforded two whole hours to brew a Confusing Concoction which turned into the biggest, messiest disaster Heather had yet seen. Cauldrons were erupting with goo, over spilling with sticky liquid, or hardening into chunks that melted out the cauldron bottoms.

It took Heather almost the full two hours to complete the potion and in the end she wasn’t sure if it was supposed to look like yellow cake batter in there. Snape peered in and grinned before marking his notes and tisking vindictively. He then stepped over to Harry’s cauldron and waited as Harry desperately tried to thicken his up enough. Snape stood tapping his notes with his fingers and the second the bells tolled, scribbled something suspiciously like a zero and walked away.

They left the dungeons feeling empty and relieved that everything was over. Heather and Hermione were starting to poke fun at Ron and Harry’s attempts when their attention was caught by the two men waiting at the bottom of the Entrance Hall stairs.

Cornelius Fudge and a black-hooded man with a large blade stood looking at all the students as they ran to the Great Hall for late dinner.

~~~ * ~~~ * ~~~ * ~~~ * ~~~

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Back to the House that Love Built - Chapter 1: Bucket List

Title: Bucket List Word Count: 2800k Warnings: None in this chapter...but they are coming! Pairing: Francisco Morales (Pedro Pascal, Triple Frontier) x Kaylah Riley OFC Chapter Summary: Takes place about 18 months before the happenings in Triple Frontier. Your standard grumpy pilot boy meets girl :) Author’s note: After watching Triple Frontier I couldn’t believe how they did my boy Frankie, so I decided to give him the back story he so richly deserved. Big thanks to @heather-lynn​ for helping me with story structure, being a kick ass beta and encouraging the shit out of me. If you like it, please let me know! 

Kaylah stretched her arms over her head, rolling her neck slowly in a circle. She’d been ma’am’d to death, had her heart blessed and had way more people than she was comfortable with knowing a little bit of her personal details. She’d even had one man, who sounded old enough to be her grandpa tell her “you sound real pretty, i’m sure we can work something out.” Hard pass. 

Despite that, every call ended the same way -- way out of her price range or unwilling to help. So now, she was down to the last name. Her final shot. 

She picked up her phone and tapped in the number, a little too aggressively, as she got psyched for one last call. 

“Okay Francisco Morales,” she said to herself as she popped her airpods back in and hit send, “ I dare you to tell me no.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Frankie had been working at the airport for eight months and it was a good fit. He was flying copters, getting in the air daily and keeping him close to the team. His brothers. They had been to hell and back in the nearly 20 years they were together in the Army -- then it all ended about 18 months ago. 

That first 10 months had been rough, he’d never really thought about what he’d do when he got out because he didn’t think he’d live to see the day. And he wasn’t alone. All of the guys were a little afloat after leaving the Army, except for Pope who was doing the same work, just without the flag. But, things had settled and while it wasn’t exciting it was so much better than he deserved, in his opinion. 

He was working four days on and three days off lately running workers out to oil rigs and various other projects. This was the end of a four day shift and he was running the post trip checks to make sure the bird was ready when he came back. 

The beginning notes of Go Away by Godsmack began blaring from his phone, which only meant an unknown number. Frankie contemplated ignoring the call, but he was still on the clock and he was nothing if not responsible. 

“Morales…” there was a pause before Frankie heard a very determined Southern drawl.

“Mr. Morales, my name is Kaylah Riley. Johnny Rowland over at Channel 9 said that you were the man who would be able to help me.” Kaylah didn’t even slow down before launching into her ask, not wanting to give him a chance to tell her no. 

“I’m looking for someone to take my mom and me up on a private tour. I know it’s a big ask, but i’ll be happy to pay for your expenses…” she heard him start to ma’am her on the other end and barrelled on “..and an additional fee for your time, we can make any time work to fit your schedule,” another soft ma’am on the other end “...we’d just really…” 

“MA’AM” Frankie almost yelled to get her attention. “I’m sorry, but we’re not a charter service. I’d be happy to give you the name…” 

“Mr. Morales, you don’t understand, I…” 

“No, Miss. Riley was it? I do understand. I’m sure one of the charter groups would be a much better experience. Like I said I'd be happy to recommend someone.” Frankie was not in the habit of giving Southern belles helicopter tours. He was about ready to give her a name when he heard her voice crack. 

“Mr. Morales, I’m going to be honest with you.” Kaylah could hear the defeat in her own voice as she laid it out. “I’ve called every charter and pilot in a 100 mile radius. You’re my last chance.” 

“Miss Riley, I…” Kaylah barreled on. 

“You see, my mom is dying. She has taken care of me my entire life and I’m trying to help her knock off her bucket list before she is ripped from me. Unfortunately the crazy woman’s list includes a helicopter ride.” a laugh bordering on panic bubbled out of Kaylah’s chest. “Please Mr. Morales, you really are my last hope.” 

Silence stretched on the line as Frankie took off his baseball cap and laid it on the workbench, running his free hand through his shaggy hair as he dropped onto a stool. He should tell her no. It wasn’t his problem. He could feel in his bones that this wouldn’t be a simple job. 

“Mr. Morales, please?” her voice was pleading. The edge from earlier gone and replaced with anguish. 

Shaking his head, Frankie pulled his cap back on. “Yeah. I’ll do it.” Frankie couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across his face as he heard her clap on the other end. He swore he could feel her smile through the phone. 

Frankie looked at the reports, “Weather is shit this weekend, pardon my language, but next Saturday should work. Can you be here at 10?” His hand rubbing the back of his neck as he talked. 

“We’ll make it work. And Mr. Morales,” Kaylah took a big breath, a tear escaping her eye, “thank you.” 

“Yeah. Next weekend.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kaylah was excited to get home that night and tell her mom the good news. Dropping her backpack by the door and kicking off the shoes, she didn’t bother yelling for her mom. She knew the tiny woman would be planted on the back patio, ice tea in one hand and book in the other. 

She grabbed a beer on the way through the kitchen, leaning against the frame of the french door watching her mom a bit before breaking the silence. She’d nodded off, her chin resting on her chest and snoring lightly. Kaylah pushed off and walked over to the wicker loveseat, shaking her lightly. 

“Momma..” She jerks awake, looking around until Kaylah comes into focus. 

“Kaylah-girl. How long have you been home?” Her mom’s accent sounded so weird to others, but it was comforting to Kaylah. Born in Dublin and married to a Texas native, Maureen Riley had the odd combination of twang and lilt that could make her almost impossible to understand. Even after forty years in America.  

“Just got here,” She sat and slid an arm around her mom. “I have some good news.” 

Maureen’s eyes sparkled as she took in her daughter, “Good news? Let me guess...you have a date?” 

“Sort of,” Kaylah smiled as she saw her mom’s mouth drop open, “WE have a date to go up in a helicopter next Saturday.” 

Honest to god her mom squealed like a six year old, causing Kaylah to break out laughing, but that was followed by a very serious expression. 

“Momma, what’s wrong?” 

“Oh nothing baby...i’m just trying to figure out what you wear to fly in a helicopter!” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His little corner of the airport was dead on Saturday. Frankie got there early that morning, one to get the bird ready and two, because he wouldn’t put it past Kaylah Riley -- because she always used both names -- to be there early. 

He had grabbed a couple of blankets on the way out this morning. It got cold up there and he’s not sure that his suggestion to dress warm really got through to her when she called on Thursday. It may be the South, but it was still January and the combination of altitude and wind could make it brisk to say the least. 

Frankie had just gotten the headsets tested and ready to go when he saw a beige SUV pull up. He checked his watch, 9:30, just as he’d expected. He was walking out to tell her she’d have to move to the parking lot as she rounded the front of the car. 

He didn’t know what he’d expected, but he could say without a doubt it wasn’t the pretty redhead that was headed his way. Frankie didn’t know if you could be fearless and fragile at the same time, but that was what popped in his mind seeing Kaylah Riley for the first time. Shit. 

“Mr. Morales,” the wind whipping her ponytail as she walked up to Frankie, hand extended, “Kay…”

“Kaylah Riley. Got it.” Frankie gripped her hand in a strong shake, trying not to get distracted by her bright red lips. “You’ll need to move your car, you can’t leave it there.” 

“Good morning to you to Mr. Morales…” Kaylah was glad she had on her sunglasses so he couldn’t see her eye roll. “I’d planned on moving it, I simply wanted to drop my mom off first...walking really wears her out,” 

Kaylah pulled her hand back, realizing that she was still holding his long after the shake, shoving her hands in her pockets. “I mean, If that’s okay with you…” 

“Yeah. That’s fine,” Frankie nodded his head at the tiny woman headed their way “but I think she got tired of waiting for you.” 

Kaylah turned to see her mom strolling their direction. She couldn’t tell what made Maureen look more silly, the mirrored aviator sunglasses, her dad’s old leather bomber jacket or the long white scarf that was roughly the same color as her hair. 

“Ma’am,” Kaylah turned to look at a smirking Frankie, one hand on his hip, “is she dressed like the Red Baron?” 

She couldn’t help but laugh, “Mr. Morales, my mom is not what you’d call understated.” 

To his credit, Frankie didn’t laugh, but the way his eyes crinkled showed how amused he was. Before she knew what he was doing, Frankie stepped around her, jogging towards her mom and offering his arm like a proper gentleman. Kaylah watched them walk towards her, Maureen’s charm in full effect, but her eyes were on the man next to her. Baseball cap pulled down, jacket stretched across his broad shoulders. Dear lord, she was staring like a teenager. 

“A Stór, Francisco was just delightful to help me over here wasn’t he?” Maureen smiled up at Frankie. “Now go park the car and hurry back so we can get up in the air!” 

Kaylah smiled and gave her mom a small salute. “I’ll be right back” and headed back to the car. When Maureen turned to watch her go, Frankie followed her gaze. Kaylah’s black moto jacket ending at her waist and drawing Frankie’s eyes down her slim frame. Biting the inside of his jaw, he pulls his hat down a little lower, definitely not what he’d expected. 

Maureen was watching Frankie watch Kaylah, a glint in her eye as a smile spread across her face before she squeezed his arm. “Francisco, do you have somewhere I can sit down?” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kaylah looked back at the retreating figures as she started the car and pulled towards the parking lot. She was a little embarrassed at what she had expected with Francisco Morales. Johnny had told her that he was a vet, the best pilot he knew and a man of few words. What she had constructed in her mind in no way matched the man that was chatting up her mother. He wasn’t what passed for handsome these days. She’s seen handsome up close and that was surface level at best. He was something else. 

She parked and turned off the car, checking her reflection in the mirror, searching for the right word to describe him. Shoving her wallet and phone into her jacket pocket she jumped out of the car as the word came to her. 

Masculine. 

Francisco Morales was inherently masculine. Not macho, but just so comfortable in who he was there was no need to try and convince others. Like the Marlboro Man...with a helicopter. The only other man she’d known like that was her dad. 

Kaylah shook off that thought as she walked, looking up to see her mom already strapped into the front seat of the bird, headset in place and blanket tucked around her. 

“Momma?” Kaylah shielded her eyes as she looked up at her mom. “You two leaving without me?” 

“If you don’t hurry up we will,” Maureen shouted. “Now hurry up so Francisco can get you strapped in. I want to fly!” 

“Yes Ma’am!” Kaylah hurried around the copter where Frankie was waiting. She was trying to get in when she felt warm hands on her waist lifting her up drawing a little gasp out of her. 

“Sorry.” Frankie mumbled as he strapped her into the seat, tightening the belt around her soft hips, his eyes catching on the glimpse of freckled thigh through the stylish tear in her jeans. He bit his lip as he handed her the headset, using the bill of his cap to keep from looking at her. “You’ll be able to talk to us without doing anything. Just say something if you have a problem.” 

Kaylah nodded her head, at a loss for words...a condition that seldom plagued her. She watched as Frankie went through his process to get the helicopter running and then, they were in the air. 

While she took in the sites from 1,000 feet up, Frankie was the perfect tour guide. He and Maureen talked non-stop. No, that wasn’t accurate. Maureen talked non-stop and Frankie added the well timed “hum” or “really” that kept her in peak storytelling mode. In fact, she could have stayed on the ground and neither of them would have known. It was glorious. 

With their conversation as the soundtrack of the trip, the tour had passed quicker than expected as Kaylah saw the airport below. Coming to an end as Frankie sat the helicopter down as gentle as putting a baby to sleep. Kaylah was impressed as she heard his deep voice through the headset. 

“Wait until the blades stop before you unbuckle, then I'll come help you out.”  

Kaylah couldn’t help herself, her smart ass comeback slipping out before she even thought about it. “Aye, aye Captain.” 

“I was never a Captain,” the scratchy voice caused her to snap her head up to see Frankie looking at her over his shoulder. She couldn’t tell if he was joking or if she’d offended him. Kaylah was fairly sure that Francisco Morales didn’t have a funny bone. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was about 30 minutes from when they landed until Kaylah headed back across the apron towards her car, leaving her mom in Frankie’s capable hands until she could return. 

Frankie watched Maureen get misty watching her daughter, seeing that as his cue to distract her and keep her focused on the great day. “Mrs. Riley…” 

“Francisco...please call me Maureen” she patted him on the leg, dabbing at her eyes. 

“Maureen then, you remind me so much of my mamá. Not just your personality and, um...stature,” Frankie smiled remembering the feisty little woman “but I don’t think anyone outside of Uncle Sam has referred to me as Francisco since she passed. Visiting with you today has given me a little piece of her back. Thank you.” 

Maureen smiled as she watched the years fall away from Frankie’s face as he thought of his mom. “What a lovely compliment Francisco. How old were you when you lost your mother?” 

“I was 20,” Frankie stopped, the muscle in his jaw working as he thought of that time. “In fact, I've been without her longer than I had her.” 

Maureen stood, and without saying a word, wrapped him in the kind of hug that only can come from a mom. “I know I can’t replace her, and lord knows you’ve had time to learn to live without her, but you don’t hesitate to call me if you need a stand-in mom.” 

She pulled back as she heard the car approach, patting him softly on the chest before turning to wave at Kaylah. Frankie moved to help her toward the car, walking in companionable silence as Kaylah came around to open the door. 

As they reached the car, Maureen turned and looked up to Frankie, patting him on the cheek, “I meant what I said Francisco.” Frankie smiled and took her hand, kissing the back of it...the same sign of affection he used to bestow on his mom. 

“Yes ma’am.” 

Frankie stepped back as Kaylah got Maureen situated in the car and shut the door. She turned, pushing her sunglasses on her head, as she looked up at Frankie, extending her hand. 

“Mr. Moral…” Frankie interrupted her as he enveloped her small hand in his, “Please, call me Frankie.” 

“Okay. Well, thank you for everything,” Kaylah smiled up at him, pushing her sunglasses back down as she broke the handshake. “Frankie.” 

Kaylah made her way back to her side of the car. Getting in with a quick wave and driving off, leaving Frankie standing on the apron as her taillights disappeared. He scuffed his boot against the seam in the asphalt, shaking his head as he looked down. He knew this wasn’t going to be a simple trip. 

Shit. 

[seenashblog]

Nash Watches & Rates Cheesy Hallmark Original Christmas Movies, So You Don’t Have To (2019)

This is the thing where I recap and rate cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies (mostly - if other channels do "original" holiday movies, like Lifetime, I may sneak those in there, too). This post will be updated with new entries as I go, all below the cut. I'm rating based upon The Cheesy Christmas Movie Bingo Card. Here it is, and feel free to use it for your own watching:

More quick clarification on ratings: 

When something's pulling in a 4 or 5 star, that means the Bingo only popped a few squares. When something's hitting at a 3, it's a handful of squares, maybe came in the ballpark of having a Bingo. The 2s mean definitely got a Bingo. The 1s mean anywhere from more than one Bingo to nearly filled the damn card. Outside of the card, stars can also get docked because of piss-poor writing, embarrassing acting, draggy flow, and shitty casting (read: lack of chemistry).

Put another way - 3 stars means they aren’t exactly a waste of time, 2 stars are debatable/up to personal taste, and of course 1 star means I will never get that time back and I’m that much closer to death because of the movie and what it drained from my soul.

Here's the 2018 list

And remember: never, EVER watch “My Christmas Love” 😉

Let’s roll. Most recent entries will be first.

#6

Once Upon A Christmas Miracle (Hallmark, 2018 - Brett Dalton, Aimee Teegarden - the latter of whom will make you think "I know someone who looks like her" because she looks like that girl you went to school with or worked with or was a friend of a friend, or maybe is a friend of yours - she's just got that look about her. My Aimee Teegarden's name is Jessica.)

This movie is infuriating.

Brett is a great actor, Aimee is serviceable, let's just get that out of the way. Matter of fact, you're not going to find any of the acting grating. Overall, everybody's fine.

Here's what you need to know: this is based on a true story, and that story is that a woman who needed a liver transplant gets a random donor (no one in her fam was a match apparently). And donor's this awesome dude, and they end up falling in love. Cool story, right?

Yeah, then Hallmark got their hands on it.

Everything is shmoop. Everything. The family (including the - way to go casting - sister who looks nothing like her, I mean NOTHING like her) is on Christmas like it's crack. Details include her hand-making wreaths, and oh by the way she does it for every holiday. Okay. Whatever. Some of us have more time on our hands than others. Look at me, I pause in housework to type this shit up when I could be doing said housework. It's all about priorities.

There's of course The Conflict, which is that he gets a job offer out of town. But before all that, he organizes a Christmas Eve party focused on fundraising for her because of the medical bills and because she won't go back to nursing school since money. Welcome to the USA, the only advanced, developed country on the planet where they don't consider investment in our populous as important as investment in, well, you pick. I'm furious. I'm also grinding my teeth over the gross medical inaccuracies in this one, but I won't go down that road or we'll be here all day. I bring that up because the thing upon which this story pivots is the medical issue, so some realism there is important so that we as the audience can understand the gravity of what they went through, the sacrifice he made for a stranger, why this bonded them, etc.

I hate this movie. I hate it. The family is insufferably perfect. It's so overblown it's unrealistic. And that wasn't needed - it's okay to show them stressed and worried, this is a big deal. But nope, they're just perfect. And she's perfect, everyone loves her, she's pretty and smart and sweet and EVERYONE LOVES HER. There's not one moment of her being, say, bitter and resentful  that she's having to go through this, and again - THAT'S NORMAL. Just some normalcy is needed to balance the "Wow!" of what happened which is that they ended up falling in love, because that truly is not the norm and is extraordinary.

So I got curious and wondered what, if any, of this - beyond what we know - was actually true. Okay: he and his motorcycle club did arrange a fundraiser. They did end up several doors down from each other at the hospital and would take their walks together (that's mandatory post-surgery, they want you up walking ASAP, just FYI). But here's what I was looking for: this didn't happen at Christmas. He overheard a coworker talking about a sick cousin in January 2015. The surgery happened in March. They started dating, and in July he actually asked her father for permission to ask her to marry him. And THEN at Christmastime, he proposed to her, which was the very last scene in the movie.

I guess what I'm getting at is, why couldn't this have just been a regular Hallmark movie at a random time of year. They made the focus Christmas instead of it being on Heather and Chris. They had an opportunity to dig in a little deeper than they usually do, they were handed a wonderful love story that was filled with a major REAL trial, and they blew it. They swapped true love and loyalty, for romance and fluff. Yeah, love and romance are on the Venn diagram together, but they ain't the same thing.

This can't be a 5 because it was so schlocky, not to mention because there were zero character arcs, our two leads were the exact same people at the end as they were at the beginning. I can't in good conscience make it a 4 because of what I've said above. But the production value was fine, the acting was fine, the script dialogue-wise was fine, and the pacing was fine. IT WAS FINE. You may be into this, but I was greatly disappointed, especially after learning about the material with which they had to work. So I have to drop it from a 3 to a 2. Be warned, though - if you google, everyone rates it off the charts. [shrugs]

2/5 stars

The Christmas Note (Hallmark, 2015 - Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Leah Gibson - the former of whom you better know, and the latter of whom is incredibly familiar to me - and there's also several other familiar folks, namely the guy who plays the lawyer who is a great actor and should be in more stuff)

Now, even though this isn't based on a true story it is a good example of how to dig into tough situations and allow people to be imperfect, along with elements of lightness and sweetness and happiness. (The next one does this well, too, but hang on let's knock this one out.) Both our leads - and thank god on high this isn't a romance for once - are excellent actors with great chemistry, so no worries there. This *is* a love story, however. Because not all love is kissing and sex and romance.

One more time for the people in the back: meeting someone and growing to love them is not always about sexy times and kissy face and shmoopy romance.

So here's the scoop, and I'm not looking up their character names: Jamie-Lynn, along with her son (who, despite being a good lil' actor, is mildly annoying, but it's the script, not him) has moved back to her small hometown and gotten a little house to be closer to her parents, because her army hubby got nearly blowed-up overseas and he's in the hospital recuperating enough to where it's safe for him to travel home. Next door lives Leah who seems stand-offish at first but it's just because her life is basically work-home-work-home, wash-rinse-repeat. They start to get to know each other because this dude shows up and knocks on Jamie-Lynn's door and is like "I can't get hold of your neighbor but her mom's died and she needs to come clean out the apartment, like, yesterday." Jamie-Lynn goes with her to do it, being all - Nobody should have to go through this alone - and Leah accepts the offer, because this is gonna be hard, and double-hard because due to a falling out, she hadn't talked to her mom in like 10 years. They end up finding a letter her mom left her, and in part of it, she tells that before Leah was born she gave up a child for adoption. That's it. No other leads.

And after Jamie-Lynn and various folks around town encourage her, Leah decides she'll make effort to find her sibling, and Jamie-Lynn helps, and as they follow up on various things in mom's possessions, they get closer and closer, and end up becoming friends. There's no silly misunderstandings as excuse to farm emotion - there's just actual emotion because jesus, did you read what this plot is?! Nothing is smothered by shmoop and nobody is shoving Christmas spirit up your ass. Nobody's family is perfect (you know the scoop on Leah, and as far as Jamie-Lynn's, turns out husband may not make it home for Christmas, and her parents are divorced and slightly cantankerous), so again - it's keeping grounded in the midst of what's about to be a (kind've) fantastical ending.

Skip beyond the next divider if you don't want to be spoiled.

While they don't look alike, they do both have dark hair and dark eyes (I can't tell if maybe some dark hazel is happening, but their eyes ain't blue and brown is my point). And note the way they occasionally part their hair (far to one side), the way they'll occasionally move in sync (standing from chair, for instance), similar style purses and coats. You may've guessed the ending - and it was mentioned early on though not heavy-handed that Jamie-Lynn is adopted - but Jamie-Lynn is Leah's older birth half-sister. And of course, husband makes it home for Christmas.

The only thing - and I mean THE only, even the music is on point - I would've changed about this (but it's based on a book, so Hallmark couldn't, so I guess I'm critiquing the author) is that I'd have made it that the husband is her older half-brother. So that when he gets home on, say, Christmas Eve the lawyer could've shown up at the house being like "Sorry if I'm intruding but my contact at blah-blah-blah agency came through, I just read the documents, and you have to know this right away", etc. Otherwise, this movie is solid, top to bottom. I would give it a 4 vs a 5 because it is highly, highly, HIGHLY improbable that they'd be neighbors. Better for them to have met via work or at the coffee shop or something. But let me tell you, the thing that puts this over the top? In the scene where they find out the truth, they nail it. In lesser hands (including the lawyer actor), this would've failed and ruined the entire movie. Instead, it actually made me a little teary-eyed.

5/5 stars

The Santa Con (Lifetime, 2014 - the very stacked cast of: Barry Watson, Melissa Joan Hart, Melissa Sagemiller, Jaleel White, Scott Grimes, Wendy Williams, Alimi Ballard, John Ratzenberger - every single one of whom you'll recognize or know right off the bat)

Lifetime does this better than Hallmark, and tenfold: casting. And this is a drama vs. a romance, but they all nail it. It helps that the director was Melissa Joan Hart, and I'll put in my disclaimer here that I said last year....

I am slightly biased because Melissa is a friend of a friend (sister-in-law, specifically) and she is good people, a hard worker, and a smart cookie. She knows what roles she nails (sharp wit, no shmoop, strong chicks), so that’s what projects she and her mother choose (they produce most everything Melissa’s in), she stays in her lane, is my point, so if you agree with that assessment, then you’re good to go, this is classic Melissa Joan Hart fare.

Except this time? It's not exactly her typical fare, but it's just as solid. Here's the basic summary, and I'm not going too far down the road because with all those characters, as you can imagine, there's lots of back-and-forth as far as who's interacting with whom at a given point. So Barry plays a conman who finally landed himself in prison but he charmed the warden (Ratzenberger) and the board and gets parole. His goes to live with his sister (Hart) and we meet his fellow conman buddy (White), and the job he gets is part-time gig as a Santa at the mall (sister has a shop there). He is just going through the motions, and he promises this kid - the only bit of poor casting, IMO, but kid actors are six of one, half dozen the other - that his wish of his parents being back together will come true (Sagemiller and Grimes).

Problem: Grimes' character is an alcoholic, and the kid finally gets an eyeful and quits being pissed at his mom for the separation when dad shows up absolutely lit to the school play. In any event, Barry feels like he needs to make good on the promise somehow because he feels guilty and he insinuates himself into their lives (I am absolutely going blank how, sorry), and he at least wants to give Grimes a fighting chance at being reunited with his family (Sagemiller says she would totally take him back if he got the drinking issue taken care of because she genuinely loves him, she just can't tolerate that shit anymore). So Barry's doing things like helping Grimes get to AA and revealing that his boss at work took credit for his awesome idea (that, coupled with the drinking, is why he got fired if memory serves, I'm writing this post-movie).

There's one angle that irritates me - the issue with Grimes shouldn't have been alcoholism. That's a tough topic to tackle, and I don't know that a Lifetime Christmas movie is the place to do it. I didn't mind him coming drunk to the play, I think that would've been in line with him being, broadly, Mr. Fuck Up. Like losing his job - we learn that the reason is because his idea was stolen, but from her perspective it's part of his pattern. And maybe he kept missing things he'd promised to do with the kid. Whatever, fill in all those blanks. In addition, it irks me that Sagemiller's romantic choices here are a felon and an alcoholic. Are all felons bad? No. Are all alcoholics bad? No. Because people vary. My point is, both of their lives are messy at this moment and they need to work on themselves before involving another person and her kid. Barry's also been lying to her this whole time, and regardless of the good intentions (and that's debatable, his reasons, at one point), it's still a bunch of deception.

But I have to give credit where credit's due. It's a very original plot, both the writer and Hart did a great job balancing it out and keeping it streamlined to the degree that they could, and, again, I cannot praise the casting enough. Because there is a distinct lack of shmoop, and because there's some humor, and because the pacing was on point, and because I think it maybe hit 2 squares on the card if that, I deem this not even close to being a waste of your time. Like I say, there's just that thing that I feel like could've been better, but it's kind've a big thing, so I gotta ding for it. I'll say this, though: seeing Urkel and Sabrina flirt cures a lot of ails.

4/5 stars

The Perfect Christmas Present (Hallmark, 2017 - Sam Page, who I recognize, and a gal called Tara Holt, whose parents should be popped upside the head for naming their child Terre Haute; I mean, unless they've got a real hard-on for Indiana, in which case you do you)

She's from Chicago (as in, grew up there) but then her mom moved them to L.A. (after dad died, so check dead parent box), but she's moved back to establish a charity there, and also because boyfriend lives there (I missed how they got together if she lived across the country). She wants to hold a charity event, and he helps arrange for a former client's historic home to be used for free. Pertinent info: he's essentially a personal shopper but his specialty is figuring out the perfect gif t for people (hence the subtle title ::sigh::) by getting to know them really well. My presumption is this usually happens by targeted questioning about said person via the client, the more obscure stuff, but I'm writing this after the fact so I can't be sure. But I get the impression it usually isn't - really, it can't be - direct interaction with the person themselves, because the surprise would be ruined. Unless he goes around being a lying liar all the time, and if there was a person - especially at the behest of a loved one - who integrated themselves into my life under false pretenses (read: anything other than they enjoy my company, I intrigue them, etc.) I would be both absolutely livid and absolutely crushed. We'll come back to this.

Side note: Let me tell you right now, re: former client - I love this chick, she is the highlight of the movie, the snark is real with her, she's upfront about the fact she's into our lead male, did I mention she's snarky? I liked her the minute she came on the screen, continued to like her up until her last scene (spoiler: no she's not a villain, she's just snark and if you don't like it, piss off).

Back to plot: basically, that's the "in" - she doesn't know that boyfriend hired him to figure out perfect present, all she knows is that this is boyfriend's old fraternity buddy who's a make-things-happen, got-connections-all-over sort of guy. And he's happy to help with the event, because that means he can use the opportunity of them working together to get info on her and essentially profile her - like for instance, when they were touring that house, when in kitchen, she snitches a macaroon (or one of those fat almond cookies from wedding showers with which I have a love-hate relationship), he makes a quick note of "sweet tooth".

Also to know, the relationship between her and boyfriend is struggling a little, so that's why he's going to the extra effort, and - spoiler alert - as I'm sure you've guessed he gets the shaft for his trouble. He's an okay guy, I guess, and I do give them props for not making him this complete dickhole or something, but with that comes the issue that you kinda feel shitty for him. On the other hand, it's only been a year and he's jonesing to get married and have kids, and she's like "Whooooaaaa". While I'm here, though, talking about secondary characters, I also have to shout out best friend who she's Skyping with off-and-on, she is dynamic and runs any scene they're in, every line is delivered realistically and casually, you feel like you're talking with a person in real life. Having said that? This is a weird, unneeded gimmick. Matter of fact, the character isn't needed at all, but if it had to be done then they should've just had her there, as the partner in the charity.

Regarding casting: it's cool that Terre Haute went into acting because she has these big, expressive eyes and I think it helps because she's not got an "it", if that makes any sense - as opposed to the ladies I mentioned above, there's not a dynamic presence, at least in this she's easily forgettable. Regardless of her character and dialogue, it's delivery that sells it, and while there's inflection and facial expressions (she's not flat, not at all), it still smacks of her just delivering lines. And that's fine! There's a need for actors who are on it and that the studio gets what they pay for, that they do what they're hired to do. My point is, she's serviceable and I think in a meaty role she could step up. He's great but also only serviceable in this particular movie, and I honestly don't know what else these two could've done - while the idea of the story is decently creative (though event planner - which he essentially is - has been done, and done better), it plays out as pretty much how you'd think. I'm typing this as I'm about an hour in, and here's my guess: Yes, she'll end up falling for him but she'll also be pissed when she finds out that he's been collecting facts on her, regardless of the reason. Also I predict that in rich gal's moves to get dude, she'll be the one to go "You know that he's stuck around because he's fallen for you, right? That this ain't about the gift anymore?" and be the one to give her a kick in the. At least, that's what I'd write.

Because the alternative is actually realistic, which is that she says what I said above: you ingratiated yourself under false pretenses, when we started having feelings for each other - or at minimum when we started being friends - you should've told boyfriend you couldn't help with the present anymore, and told me the truth. Period. End of story.

I'll leave it here, I think. Watch if you want to see how it ends - not that it matters, of course she ends up with him. And I gotta go with my gut, here, even though this doesn't hit a ton of bingo squares, not at all, but the issue is it's.... well, it's not dragging, the pace is decent, it's just.... well, it's boring. It's *shrug*. It's meh. There's just no spark to it. I can't justify giving it a "Don't miss this one!" type of rating. It's a "Maybe you'll enjoy it", "Not entirely a waste of time" sort of jam. Which makes me wonder why I wrote so much on this.... eh, I'm avoiding housework.

3/5 stars

Northern Lights of Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Ashley Williams, and that's the only cast that matters... besides, won't recognize anyone else)

Let it be said that anything with Ashley Williams, I'm giving a minimum of 3 stars. That's the lowest it can possibly get, merely due to her presence. She's a great actress, and I don't just mean by Hallmark standards, she should be in all the things, that's how magnetic and scene-stealing she is. No, I'm not her cousin or something. I've just yet to dislike her in anything I've seen her in, she even lit up the screen in How I Met Your Mother which going up against Alyson Hannigan and Cobie Smulders and Jason Segel (I don't mention the guy that played Ted because beyond not liking the character, I will never understand that casting).

Now, stay with me, here. Because this is one of the more ridiculous summaries on one of these things (and by "things" I mean Hallmark and/or Lifetime Christmas movies, AND I MEAN IT WITH LOVE OF COURSE) that I've seen. *clears throat*

"Zoey has been working hard to own her own plane but everything changes when she inherits a reindeer farm."

If you're anything like me, my What The Fuck radar shot right up. The story is she's left a reindeer farm/ranch by the old man who taught her how to fly who has, obviously, died. And by "farm/ranch", I mean 2 reindeer and y'all, again, huge props when Hallmark bothers to have real animals on these farms and ranches they make their settings, double points when the characters interact with them. So by flying, they mean Cessna-type planes, though we're about 25 minutes in and I've seen no plane. Anyway, she lives in Seattle now (our setting is Alaska) and is a commercial pilot but as summary says, she wants her own. For crop dusting? I have no idea why, they don't really say (or haven't yet) if it's for personal reasons or a new career venture.

Ashley - and I won't be calling her by her character's name in any of these, get used to it - meets the live-in handyman/animal tender/etc. person who is a real pill. Like, he's not exactly rude but I'd just call him brusque and blunt. He initially wants to quit even though he's paid through the winter, but she convinces him to say explaining she needs him to be a partner of sorts, help her decide who she should sell the place to. Ashley grows on him when he sees that even though she had to move away, she genuinely cared about Gus and his wife (the dude who died and his wife who had died prior) and the farm/ranch (they call it both dunno why I think ranch suits better) and that she's a hard worker.

Gus and wife were beloved by the town, and they did it up right at Christmas - part of the barn where the reindeer aren't chillin' is filled with decorations, most notably a sleigh, and it's not lost on me that they're way up north, there's reindeer, there's that sleigh, and he taught her to fly. I mean, "Gus" and not "Kris" or "Nick", but we'll see where this is going. Oh, also? Wife had a box of recipes that Ashley's best friend (whose hubby is the son of the cranky man who owns the local hang-out diner, Americana-type restaurant in town, the menu of which she's always trying to nudge him to add new things) was dying in particular to find a certain cookie recipe that everybody in town loved because she's always wanted to know how to make them. Sounds like Mrs. You-Know-Who To Me. But again, not enough info, I'm writing this as I go, but I tell you I almost don't want it to turn out as that, I like the inference much better. May dock a star if they go full-court-press You Know Who.

I'm eating homemade soup for breakfast because it's getting really nippy here, and there's no oatmeal. I just felt the need to share this with you. I mean, it's hella awesome soup, I'm a good cook. I heated it up during the part where she's going around telling people she's doing up the old Christmas festival like it used to be, the one Gus and wife would host at the ranch. Her angle is, she wants to attract the right sort of people as buyers, people who get the small town mentality and want to keep the ranch essentially the way it is, and people are pumped and excited about the booths they'll have and the food and the post-fair barn dance, and I got bored. Not painfully bored, just wishing-they'd-speed-this-up bored. Put it this way: I was able to make coffee and walk the dog and flip the stove on and heat up said soup whilst only needing to pop in to look at the TV to make sure I hadn't missed something. I hadn't. I get it's necessary, I just think it could've been montaged instead of introducing us to a bunch of side characters by name and hearing what they're gonna do, all we need is showing us their faces during montage, then we'll see them and what they're doing at the fair. Because they're inconsequential to the story. This is classic Hallmark padding runtime when it's simply not needed, not everything has to take up a 2 hour time slot.

Hey, if you want good soup, go on and cook the veg you'll be adding a little more than halfway, and *then* add it to your base, which should consist of some water, yeah, but either beef broth or chicken broth (or I guess veg broth, but gross), your choice, and the other trick is to set it on low and go about your day, homemade soup's better when left to do its own thing over time. I've digressed.

Ah, charter flights. That's what she plans on doing. She mentions it because she's calculating how much she's invested getting stuff up to speed and cost of festival. We've still yet to see Gus' plane. Also, I don't care much for the leading man, he's Dollar Store Brett Dalton (Ward from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.) and if you're familiar with Dalton, I'm telling you that all you'll be thinking is "Damn, Brett Dalton would've cleaned up in this role", because this dude's a bit flat. Dalton's been in one of these cheese Christmas movies, too, so the chance is there; matter of fact, he should be either above or below this in one of the other recently reviewed. I can't be bothered to look for the title. None of this matters, moving on.

We see them ride his motorcycle together to go out to the local airport - mainly cargo and quick charters and such - and wouldn't ya know it, the dude that owns/runs it is retiring at the end of the month. Hmmm, wonder where that's going. And I also wonder if this is where the plane Gus flew came from, if he picked up work there, too. If it's been said, I've missed it. Anyway, owner needed her because his dude is sick or something and he says it's 6 towns, mail delivery gig, she is jazzed because as she says "This is the longest I've been on the ground in a long time". Our co-lead doesn't like to fly but he does like to take pictures, so that's how she sells him on coming with her to deliver the stuff.

Kinda like You-Know-Who. Ahem.

Kudos to Hallmark for (a) not going with shitty FX folks, re: the greenscreen for when they're in the cockpit, and (b) for some nice aerial shots of somebody flying a plane. The aurora/northern lights effect also ain't bad. I mean, if you've seen photos of it, it almost looks fake anyway because it's one of those too-good-to-be-true natural occurrences that shouldn't be that vivid. It's like reverse of animal camouflage, I'm thinking specifically of octopi (apparently you can say octopuses now and it's acceptable, but it's not in this house) and if you've not seen that, get yourself to You Tube and get ready to be shocked at those undersea aliens. We've (okay I've) digressed again.

There's a moment of her reminiscing about Gus, but it's short, and this is when our leading dude learns she's gonna be going to Florida to be with her parents for Christmas, and I like this for two reasons: one, these pseudo-dead parents have only been brought up once in a sorrowful way, people have been focused on remembering the good times, and second, she's not leaving because she gives no shits about Christmas and is gradually learning to love it or the usual garbage, nor is she being called away for some career-related thing, it's a legit, understandable reason. Neither of those are getting a bingo square, because even though they may skirt the line, they're being done well.

All right, I'm not going to tell you the ending, because you should put it on your list. As whack-a-doo as the summary has it sounding, they make it work. So because of good casting and a solid script and a unique premise and tied up something in a great way (and because I got ever-so-slightly teary-eyed at one point shut up), this one gets a score of....

4/5 stars

Here’s your 4-and-5 stars so far (in no particular order):

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars The Christmas Note - 5/5 stars Fir Crazy - 4/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars Switched For Christmas - 4/5 stars The Christmas Contract - 4/5 stars Rocky Mountain Christmas - 4/5 stars Christmas A La Mode - 4/5 stars Northern Lights of Christmas - 4/5 stars The Santa Con - 4/5 stars

#5

Christmas A La Mode (Lifetime, 2019 - Katie Leclerc who I've never seen before in my life but who is quite good in this, and  Ryan Cooper who is really hot depending on the angle, that's the best way I can explain it)

Let me be clear: the *only* reason I am watching this is for y'all. Well, and I'm mending dog toys and need something to semi-stimulate my brain. The title is incredibly off-putting, it's too sweet right out of the gate. But I shall give it a chance.

Your basics are that a dairy farm was left to two sisters by their deceased father and the farm's been in the fam for several generations. Older sister has long since been in the city and sounds like she's some sort of real estate flipper (acquisition, buff up, then sell) because she and her partner, Sometimes Hot Guy (who frequently drops his American accent), are going to sell the farm to a dairy corporation... well, that's what we're told. Put a pin in that, shiftiness comes up later unnecessarily. Anyway, the agreement has a provision that one sister can buy out the other's shares and fully own, so little sis has to raise a hefty six figures in a short amount of time. Older sis is a major dick; having said that, the farm has been circling the drain for awhile now, so she ain't totally out of line.

The summary I saw neglects to mention that they also own an ice cream parlor in town that's typically closed during the winter because of course it is. But, I mean, Baskin Robbins and fro-yo joints and Ben & Jerry's stay open year-round, and yup they bank in hotter months, but why not keep making money? Throwing out stock over, what, 4 months of slow time? Is just stupid. No wonder they're going under. But all right, we'll let that go. Anyhow, her plan is to get some money via opening the ice cream parlor and doing a little contest for people to submit their best Christmas-themed flavors, and she'll whip 'em up, people can try them, then vote on the winner and the winner gets a year of free ice cream. She also does a crowd-funding site.

The summary also neglects to mention (and this is okay, it's supposed to be a plot "oooh") that business partner Sometimes Hot Guy is from the family who is essentially like Mrs. Fields or some shit. So there's this cute moment where her co-worker friend is like - You know, now that we are aware of this, we don't really need his recipe (he won't - and I guess, legally, can't - give it to her), we can just get them from the store. Yeah, co-worker. Yeah. But we can't have pie-baking scenes where she wipes flour off his cheek if they aren't in the same room together.

Oops, left out that part: the killer flavor is this pie he made for her mom mixed in with their vanilla and they call it, fuck my life, Christmas A La Mode.

Compliment: This actress is likely average size IRL (camera adding pounds and all, plus wardrobe didn't do her any favors on her lower half) but I mean in terms of body shape? She's built like a farm girl, she's got actual thighs and rosy, round cheeks, she's not some coathanger in skinny jeans up in there. I am applauding casting department wholeheartedly.... though they whiffed in that she and sis look *nothing* alike. Sis is discount Eva Green, and mom and leading lady are redheads. C'mon casting, just the hair color, that's all we're asking.

Issue: She's a really good actress, I was very pleasantly surprised. But initially there's something slightly juvenile about how she's playing this - "this" being determined to save the farm. She's kinda petulant and refusing to accept reality - and, I mean, maybe they save the farm now but with a disinterested sibling and a mother that's getting older, unless she cranks out some babies (read: farm hands) like, yesterday, I'm not quite sure how this is gonna be sustainable long-term.  (Granted she'll end up with incredibly wealthy pie guy, but I'm saying if she's a business owner, this is something she needs to learn.)

I'll tell ya this, talking about characterization, the gal playing the sister can flip a switch and play the cunt card like a dream, she's a scene-stealer, though my issue here is we have zero background on why she's ice queen about the farm save a mention that when they were little, she was always dying to leave farm life and go to the city. Right, fine, lots of farm kids I am sure feel this way, but why the vitriol? Why not sit down and be kind and explain the financial situation to her mom? Even if little sis is being a brat, why wouldn't she be kind to her mother? I'm fine with her being Bitchy Mc Cuntface, I just wanna know why.

Continuing from above about the pie - it's not just once, he tells her three separate times, and one of them vehemently (and then a follow-up of "You can't tell ANYBODY where these pies came from, say you found the recipe online or whatever") that he ain't telling her the recipe so she can make it herself. Which, I suspect this is gonna come back to bite her in the ass if it's not her original recipe. And it should be - anything they come up with needs to be theirs or else they owe $$$ to whatever the featured product is in a given flavor. So like, early on one of the flavors is Christmas Kiss and she comments that she unwrapped all the Hershey's kisses herself. Well sugarsnap I hope you have some sort of blanket licensing agreement because that ain't cool. You can buy other company's ingredients, of course, but when it's the core of it, the key feature of it, you're in trouble. That's why if a product's "cincher" revolves specifically around another company's product, it'll be noted clearly with a "C" copyright or "TM" or whatever, because that company is - and should be - getting a kick off the profits.

I bring this up because this is an excellent opportunity for a plot point - unless they partner with the pie company or get direct permission (and no, random son saying it's cool matters nothing to a board of directors) then they're out of line. An interesting storyline would be if sister finds out and threatens her that she has to stop or it's gonna mean big legal probs for Sometimes Hot Guy so if she doesn't want that, needs to let sis sell the farm. Then of course Sometimes Hot Guy comes in and says "Hey meet my dad, he owns the company and not only does he give permission but he's investing by way of making up the difference of whatever sum's left over so she can buy you out, Dollar Store Eva Green."  They've not given us any real reason to empathize with our villain of the story so go whole hog, keep her the villain.

All in all, we've ticked a good handful of squares, but we're not in danger zone, miraculously. And even though it ticked the farm box, I have to give compliments that for once one of these stories involving a farm has actual animals shown and the characters interacting with them. The side friend character is also fantastic, I wish I could see her in more stuff, she was great. I know I was nitpicky about the stuff I didn't like (and my resolution is close to the ballpark of what they end up doing.... my tweak is more interesting #humbly), so overall my non-nitpicky complaints are that (a) Sometimes Hot Guy is hit-or-miss with his acting, and (b) the ending scene is fine but they tack on this weird post-end scene that completely takes you out of the moment and is wholly unneeded. But because this was a creative attempt at a unique plot and - above all - our leading lady sells the shit out of it, the score is.....

4/5 stars

Rocky Mountain Christmas (Hallmark, 2017 - Lindy Booth who is great across the board, Kristoffer Polaha who I swear I've seen in something non-Hallmark but I'm not looking it up, and Treat Williams who is and has always been a solid actor)

Let's get the tropey-ness out the way: the bingo boxes this ticks are as follows - family home in danger of being lost; character(s) not really into Christmas for reasons; town festival/celebration; dead parent(s); somebody's famous; somebody owns a ranch; playing in the snow; I stopped counting but I think that’s all.

Lindy is an interior designer and is back home on the horse ranch not only because she had a bad breakup that was really public (a Zuckerberg-esque computer dude who broke up with her for an actress) but it's good because also turns out uncle (who, with his wife, raised her and brother after their parents basically dumped them) has been growing increasingly bummed missing his wife who died recently, and he's gonna sell the ranch. Now this famous dude shows up (I refuse to type "Kristoffer" continuously) and he wants to stay at the ranch and learn the life and horses and whatever for an upcoming movie role, and uncle and brother are actually cool with it even though she's all "Ehhhh..." understandably. But props to them, they do it right, he's put to work and has to stay in the bunk house and the whole nine yards, they ain't just having him follow them and observe or whatever.

She also makes it part of the deal that he's gonna help her finish getting the Christmas parade organized - and by the way, this isn't because she's a Christmas fanatic, it's because her aunt did it every year and she's doing it in her stead. And he is good natured about it, and is happily taking pictures with fans while they're out running errands and afterwards giving them flyers and being like "Here's a couple more, share with friends, you better come!" etc., and basically using his celebrity for good - he also combos it with getting donations at the same time when he gives the streetside bell-ringing Santa a coffee break,  and I genuinely liked this little touch, these are the touches that these canned movies miss that endear us to characters by showing us who they are, not telling us who they are.

The only part that really made me roll my eyes hard in terms of plot is that Lindy's brother (and good casting here, they click really well and are believable as bro and sis) happens to have dreams of being a Hollywood stuntman in the field of horses. Oh and also, their mom was an actress (not Hollywood, I mean working actress). It's just a little too much, we got the point that she's meh on Hollywood types given what she just went through, and the second you hear about brother's deal it's like "Yup, Actor Dude's gonna learn cool shit from him and then he'll get him work on the upcoming movie." I mean, duh. It's overkill. It's fine if it was like - Hey you have taught me so much, have you ever thought about trying to be a stuntman? I'd recommend you, etc. And it was definitely unneeded for the mom part. It's like: we got it. Really. And the songs used (2 if memory serves) are grating, to me, at least but you may disagree.

Otherwise, this is a unique story to my knowledge and the production value is good, and kudos to them for doing a ranch vs. a tree or poinsettia farm, and they actually got horses and had the actors riding/interacting with them - some of these other movies say they're a farm and there's not an animal to be seen and it's fucking weird. So lotsa props in this respect. Also great is that the rando pseudo-girlfriend is actually just a nice person, she's not fake, though I will say this part of the plot is hamfisted and not needed, it just served as a tiny divide between them, that she's shown up wanting to have a real relationship with him (it was a publicity thing, them being together), when the divide of her being gunshy about being with a celebrity was already there, it was fine, the writers didn't need to add anything else. (And also, she seems to care not one flip that he's spending more time with Lindy than herself, and on top of that she is way more into the brother anyway. ???? Ya got me.)

On the whole, this one's really good, it's not a waste of your time, most all the dialogue felt natural and even if shaky it was delivered naturally, everybody's acting is solid across the board, he's not a douche, she's not a bitch, and most importantly your two romantic leads have chemistry, and they got to know each other gradually, and she wasn't all starstruck so if you're into this particular trope and wanna see it done well, then check this one out.

4/5 stars

Matchmaker Santa (Hallmark, 2012 - Lacey Chabert, two basic bitch white dudes, an old man playing Santa who can't act, two really good character actresses who've each been in a lot of stuff, Florence Henderson who I just love seeing in anything, and John Ratzenberger who played Cliff on Cheers and who is a breath of fresh air in this stupidity)

Yup, stupidity. You heard me. This is somehow about the third time I've caught it, so I'm giving in. Boy howdy, does it suck.

Surface area irritation: Everybody's hair is from the 90s. I hated 80s hair but at least it had distinct style; the style of 90s was nobody had any idea what the hell they were doing, particularly when it came to styling and color. Our lead guy's haircut doesn't suit him and is too gelled and sticky-outy in the front (and second lead male, the cut suits him but same with gel and purposeful cowlick look), then Lacey's looks like Helen Keller did the color (at least when she's standing in certain light).

Here's some summary according to googlings because I'm not taking the effort:

As a little girl, Melanie Hogan wished to find her own Prince Charming, just like her parents found true love. Now an adult, Melanie is running her own bakery and dating a handsome CEO, Justin. Although things seem perfect when Justin asks Melanie to spend the holidays together at his beautiful lake house upstate, and meet his mother, Melanie finds herself spending more time with Justin's best friend and loyal assistant, Dean, who just might be harboring a secret crush on her. When complications arise that throw Melanie and Dean together over the holiday, will the two realize they're meant to be?

They get thrown together because best bud went to pick her up from airport, they run into Santa along the way and give him a ride, the car breaks down in a little town that's en route back to the lake so they stay the night. They then have to share a room :::sigh::: And of course as movie goes on, boyfriend is more concerned about anything but her though I will say he's not acting particularly dickish, it's more that he invited her for a romantic evening then planned this party to essentially introduce himself to the board of directors and also to spring introducing her to his (difficult, bitchy) mom all in the same weekend and didn't bother to tell her that the plans had changed. Also in a convoluted turn, his high school girlfriend is the daughter of the head of the board and his mom absolutely loves her, and honestly? She's better suited for him than ol' Lacey is anyway, they click better.

Lacey Chabert, IMO, is not a good actress because she plays the same character in everything she's in (excepting Gretchen Weiners in Mean Girls), and that character is - I have to assume - Lacey Chabert. I mean she's fine in the sense of she isn't a talking stick, there's tone and inflection and actual facial expressions and all that, I'm saying that with the exception of Mean Girls I've never not been like "Yeah that's Lacey Chabert", I've never forgotten it's her. But I mean at least people know what they're gonna get when they hire her. Thing is, I've seen her in several of these movies now and I gotta say, if she's had chemistry with *any* of her male leads, I've yet to notice.

Bottom line: this story is just dumb. It's basic. There's nothing creative or noteworthy about it. Person makes Christmas (or birthday or falling star or New Year's or what-fuck-ever) wish when they were little and now it's coming true, and here comes romance. We've seen this and iterations of this a thousand times. Add in tropes, stir, bake at 350 til gold and bubbly. It is obvious nobody tried - except the Santa man, he tried, but he's ill-cast so oh, well. Flo Henderson and Ratzenberger ain't in it enough to help it skate by on charm. The pacing is bad, too, at an hour in we've only just gotten to the hotel.

Let me give you an example of how stupid this movie is: When boyfriend and old prom date are walking outside to leave to take her car to go pick them up from small town (where, by the way, they are presently dressed as elves and helping Santa I shit you not), glitter-shiny-whoosh-fade-in, it's a grizzly bear by the car growling, because ooooooh Christmas magic. I'm not against "magic" in these movies but can we be a little more subtle? I have no idea how the quality/old school actors got roped into this trash.

Also? If you make it to the end? The final scene is possibly one of the worst, most ridiculous, most implausible (yes, even for this movie) things I've ever witnessed in these movies. It gets a star for the good side character casting. 

1/5 stars

A Crown For Christmas (Hallmark, 2015 - Danica McKellar, other people)

The plot's what you think, re: see title.  He's a king, she's the nanny to precocious princess child. They have negative levels of chemistry, it's that bad.

As discussed last year, something's happened in the time since Wonder Years, and Danica McKellar absolutely positively cannot act. There was one exception (again, see last year) but that's one out of like, a half-dozen of these Christmas movies I've seen - or have *tried* to see - with her in them. 

This movie isn't worth a write-up, it's seriously that bad. The kid does remind me of a young Lindsay Lohan circa Parent Trap, and the guy playing the king is an okay actor. Problem is, the character of the king is a real bitch pussy. I hate this movie, even the sets and costumes look cheap. Ugh. Seriously, don't bother, it is garbage. 

0/5 stars

The Christmas Contract (Lifetime, 2018 - Hilarie Burton, Dannnnnnneeeeeeeeeel Ackles guest starring botox, a dude called Robert Buckley who seems familiar, apparently fourteen other people from an old-ass teen show called One Tree Hill which I never watched, Cheryl Ladd, Bruce Boxleitner, and Jason London who you will not recognize even a little, and you'll see this movie and think I'm wrong, and I'm not wrong, I swear it's Jason London, he's the brother in law, look it up)

I avoided this one last year for Reasons, but upon catching it again, it cannot be denied.

First, the ticked boxes: there's a Christmas festival. Pretend to be my boyfriend. Lots of Christmas activities. Someone is a lawyer. Someone is an author. Character demonstrates a talent.

Basically dude agrees to go with Hilarie back home and act like her boyfriend - they literally sign a literal contract - and while he's at it, he's supposed to be working on a ghostwriting assignment about romance wherein he's given a list of plot points and told that the characters have to tick off every item on the list. But he feels a little lost about how the scenes should play out so he starts sneaksy playing them out with Burton under the guise of "Hey we need to make this look good for everyone".  There's an ex boyfriend who reveals the plan, which, you know, whatever, by this point they're genuinely into each other, but it's when she finds out that he's essentially using her for a book plot, she understandably gets pissed.

I will give 'em this: no one went bugfuck crazy with affecting super thick Creole accents or something. And minus Ackles and some of the randoms (Ackles in particular cannot act in a natural manner to the point it's distracting in any given scene), everybody can act. Burton especially deserves to be in higher caliber stuff. And she and the lead dude have solid chemistry. She has chemistry with everybody, honestly, she's just a good actor, period. Well, at least in this, it's not like I've seen her in tons of stuff. But I recall liking her in White Collar. Okay, I digress.

Irksome is that music is a featured artist so I don't know if this is another friend of theirs from that old show, or something? If so then hey, meta. But his music plays a couple times, then they even have him in person at the festival or whatever it is, and we get to hear him sing "live" and so that all takes up precious minutes we'll never get back. I mean, he can carry a tune and all, it's just that it's basic bitch music. And he actually pimps his album, it's awkward. Now, I will say the score itself though is overall great, really a step up from the usual fare in these movies. They do have a moment where she is supposedly playing fiddle and it looks horrible. I don't care if she can play in real life (I'm not looking it up), the way it was filmed, then, made it look as if she can't, and I don't know why they did this, it was completely unnecessary.

There's some schlock (especially the end), and family's just a hair too far on the shmoop side, but it's not intolerable. Also good is that Ackles' screentime is limited. I can't express enough what a poor actor she is, but again, as I've said about others, this is a prime example: if you dream of becoming an actor, someone has hired this person and therefore you can get hired, too. Here's the thing: it is such a shitty plot, so lazy. This is one of the granddaddies of all the tropes. I mean, the official summary doesn't mince words--- "It’s Jolie’s first time going back home to Louisiana since her devastating break up with Foster . Seeing him is inevitable as their parents run the town’s annual Christmas Market together, but when she discovers Foster is bringing home a new girlfriend, Jolie cannot bear the thought of going home alone and seeing them together." ---so you can't say you didn't know what you were getting into.

But.

And I can't believe I'm saying this.

Minus a slightly stilted kick-off the pace is even, the chemistry of the leads (+ with her family) is there, they elevate some dialogue that in other hands could've been clunky, we've got a unique setting that isn't fucking Vermont and snowing (blessedly this means we have no awkward snowball fights and snowman making and pine tree cutting down and snow angel making and ice skating), they show her making hot chocolate but there's no big gingerbread cookie making scene so that's refreshing, and nobody is like coked-up elves about Christmas, they dig it, they run a fair at this time of year, but no one's foaming at the mouth over it.

I do have to dock it stars because of the music thing and because of the premise of it - we could've gotten to this same place differently, re: these 2 people who don't really like each other needing something that the other can provide without it having to do with the chick being insecure over another guy. On the other hand? Burton doesn't play it insecure, she is not weepy or looking longingly at the ex or what-have-you, she's actually dodging him for the most part. Because of that, I'll give a star back. And if they'd not done the hamfisted music thing with that guy it'd probs be 5. In any event, the ending was pretty damned good and creative.

4/5 stars

Here’s your 4-and-5 stars so far (in no particular order):

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars Fir Crazy - 4/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars Switched For Christmas - 4/5 stars The Christmas Contract - 4/5 stars Rocky Mountain Christmas - 4/5 stars Christmas A La Mode - 4/5 stars

#4

Fir Crazy (Hallmark, 2013 - Eric Johnson and Sarah Lancaster, both of whom I've liked in non-Hallmark stuff and both of whom are good actors, and Colin Mochrie who is typically a delight but is miscast here)

I could've sworn we did this one last year but nope.  Anyway, out of the gate we're kickin' it on the bingo card: somebody isn't into Christmas, family owns a tree farm, family business in danger of being lost, precocious children - but it doesn't tick too terribly many.

So she gets laid off from her big city exec job but it is kind've fortuitous because her parents' prime time for the family business is upon the horizon, because Christmas, and because they have a tree farm upstate (we're in NYC). Since she's got free time, she calls a headhunter and is like "Holla when shit comes up" (a side plot we don't need, as well as smarmy ex-boyfriend, neither were needed, just have her lost job), as she has to run the tree lot in the city this year because for some reason the parents can't, I forget why, so it's basically her and her cousin (who is great) trading off staying nights in the trailer they've got parked next to this sidewalk area that the fam has had an agreement with the city to rent for a bazillionty years now.

Okay, so, the store next to where the sidewalk area is, is some accessories-furniture-type thing (Restoration Hardware-esque, but more expensive, but looks cheaper) and the owner is a real Scrooge. That's Mochrie's role, which is why I say he's miscast, and it's a shame. He should've been allowed to be in a fun role because I think the intent was for his character to be snarky-funny but it's just coming off as obnoxious, so it's not fun (though of course, this is a Hallmark movie, so he un-Scrooges by the end). But as far as good characters - there is this one little girl who is a hoot and the barista had me chuckle once, too.  Then we meet this great couple who bounce off each other well and are just completely wonderful and they come in at about 45 til the end and it's a shame they weren't utilized more. Actually all the side characters are great, from the homeless man who they hire to the manager of the store to the customers.

And your leads click, both in ease of convo and believability that they could be romantic, though only to about the 90% mark - I could see them as best friends more (it's one of the poorer kisses I've seen in romance movies, eeeek), but both are charming and likable and nothing is shmoopy. Seriously, there's no barfy shmoop in this movie, there's sweetness and sincerity. Plus, even though it's tree farm trope, this is creative. It's putting them smack in the middle of NYC instead of everybody being upstate. I say that to say, it's a mix of hometown (a "forest" as it were) and the city (though we're not subjected to the typical ice skating at Central Park and the like) and hey, I'm even gonna give it props for the title being only mildly eye-roll cutesy and ::gasp!!:: not having "Christmas" or "tree" in it.

Guys, this one's solid. The only thing that's not smooth is the store owner being a PITA angle, so it gets a touch grating, like, you know what's coming so you're more than ready for them to get on with it, but that's really the only thing that is a hitch in the pacing, otherwise this one is worth your time.

4/5 stars

The Nine Lives of Christmas (Hallmark, 2014 - Brandon Routh, Kimberley Sustad)

Official Summary: 

Fireman Zachary Stone (Routh) is a confirmed bachelor who doesn’t believe in love or commitment. When a stray tabby cat named Ambrose shows up at his door, Zachary takes him in and slowly starts to see that a little companionship might not be so bad after all. Zachary’s commitment to solitude is further challenged when he meets Marilee (Sustad), an animal lover and veterinary student who teaches Zachary how to care for his new feline roommate.

Nope.

1/5 stars, don't even need to see it, and that 1 star is because Brandon Routh is awesome

Welcome To Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Jennifer Finnigan, Eric Mabius - both of whom I recognize from non-Hallmark stuff)

So, Christmas is the name of the town.

We're getting fucked, just right out of the gate. ::sigh::

Squares ticked: town in danger of being lost, dead parent, children, somebody's not into Christmas (the holiday, not the town), celebration/festival in town. shmoopy activities, main characters sing carols, etc.

All right, she's a real estate something-or-other who's there to scope out the joint for development purposes. They tell the town everything will be the same, just that they'll have a ski resort and it will bolster income. However, towards the end, she discovers the firm does want to modernize the town, and blah blah blah you know where this is going.

I thought of, right off the top of my head, three other movies with this plot, one of which we just covered in the last entry.

He is the handsome sheriff with the dead wife and two adorable daughters who, of course, immediately take to her. I mean, this is just basic bitch shit, there is nothing original whatsoever about any of this. The leads have chemistry and both are good actors. Matter of fact I really like Mabius, he is talented and haaaaaandsome, I wish he were the lead in all these.

It's the standard fare, you may like it, but otherwise it's fine background noise. Other than an intolerable song at about the 20 'til mark. * cringe *

3/5 stars

Switched For Christmas (Hallmark, 2017 - Candace Cameron Bure x 2, Eion Bailey and Mark Deklin, both of whom you'll recognize)

Mentioned this last year but for whatever reason didn't go over it. Again, and I'll keep saying it - no matter how shitty the script, Candace elevates everything she's in, but in this case the script ain't shitty, it's actually a solid premise, however fantastical. Chris and Kate (both Candace, of course) are identical twins and they decide to switch places for Christmas. Several people are in on the secret - Chris has 2 older (teen/pre-teen) kids and they are pretending to be her niece and nephew around the dude who becomes her romantic interest because... reasons? I'm not certain. But their dad also knows the scoop, which I actually liked because there ain't no way any of those 3 would've been fooled so it was - shockingly for Hallmark movie - sensible.

Here's Hallmark's summary that tells more about why they did it:

"Just because they are identical does not mean these twins even like each other. Estranged twin sisters get together for an obligatory pre-Christmas lunch, a year after their mother's death. Both women are unhappy and frustrated with their own lives. Though not close, each is envious of the other's life. What's a twin to do but take advantage of this? And who would be the wiser? They do what any identical twins in need of new outlooks would do: they swap lives until Christmas Day, and by doing so, each woman discovers the true meaning of her life and gains a deeper perspective and appreciation for what she already had."

They each fall for somebody, and the dudes in turn fall for them, but the issue is that the twins think they've fallen for the personality/the life/etc. of the opposite twin so they each kinda feel like they aren't the one the dude is interested in, that they're into the other sister.  These guys should be pissed but they aren't, not really. I'll let you guess the end.

Your three leads are awesome, all can act, and - as said - especially Candace, and this had to be exhausting to pull off. Not only is each scene probably done at least couple times to get a handful of takes, she has to double-back and do it more times because of the opposite twin role. The amount of lines she had to memorize is astounding, not to mention developing two different characters with different (although not drastically) personalities. She nailed it.

Bottom line: this movie could've gone trash in a hot minute, but it didn't, because they did some stellar casting (Candace's daughter Natasha actually plays her daughter) and everyone can actually act. The premise is unrealistic and likely unsustainable for longer than a couple days in real life (the mention of them being "estranged" is particularly odd to me because there's definitely no way they'd be able to pull this off without being close so that they knew a lot about each other's lives), but what saved it was, like I say, the sensibility of having some key players in the know who supported them. This also, surprisingly, didn't tick a ton of bingo boxes, and I didn't find it a waste of my time. It's a fun flick, I'm only dinging it for the making estranged thing and the dudes not being more upset for being lied to than they were because in whack-a-doo stories, you gotta write everything else as real as possible so that the audience is more accepting of the whack-a-doo, and they slipped a touch there.

4/5 stars

I have two stupid ones for you to avoid that are just over-acted and either totally ridiculous + poorly acted (the first one) and totally typical + poorly acted (the second one). Let's just make this quick for all our sakes:

Magic Stocking (Hallmark, 2015 - nobody you'll know... well maybe this dude called Victor Webster, he's actually decent, hate he got stuck in this dreck) Official summary:

"Lindsey, a single mom with an adorable daughter, is closed off to life after losing her husband a few years back. When she buys a stocking at her town’s Christmas craft fair, the family begins “magically” finding items in the stocking that they learn have importance in their lives."

It's schlock and just plain insulting to your intelligence, and I didn't give a shit if they got together or not, something about the leading lady worked my nerves. I didn't need her to believe in the "magic", I just needed her to be able to investigate it without being so dialed up to 11 about it, she looked like she was close to exploding in the majority of it.

And....

Christmas At Pemberley Manor (Hallmark, 2018 - that chick Jessica Lowndes from that movie we covered in prior entries who can't act, and Michael Rady who you may recognize, too)

I mean, she can't act, so it's irritating the whole way through the basic bitch plot. Also? Check what they did with the names, which is absolutely positively insulting, and Austen has triple Salchow'd in her grave. Official summary:

"As Christmas approaches, Elizabeth Bennett, a New York event planner, is sent to a quaint, small town to organize their holiday festival. When she arrives, she finds William Darcy, a high-profile billionaire lacking in holiday spirit, in the process of selling the charming estate she hoped to use as a venue. Determined to make her event a success, Elizabeth persuades the reluctant Darcy to let her hold the festival on the historical estate once known for its holiday cheer. When they wind up working together to arrange the festivities, the unlikely pair begins falling for each other. But when complications arise and the festival is unexpectedly shut down, the couple parts ways and Darcy moves forward with his plans to sell the estate. On the night before Christmas, a wistful Elizabeth hopes for a Christmas miracle to revive the festival, save the estate and rekindle her holiday romance."  

For both of them: 1/5 stars

Here's your 4-and-5 stars so far (in no particular order):

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars Fir Crazy - 4/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars Switched For Christmas - 4/5 stars

#3

Picture A Perfect Christmas (Hallmark, 2019 - Merritt Patterson who is familiar to me from other of these movies, and a dude who I've never seen before in my life)

We kick off the movie with single dad who has custody of his nephew, and they're talking about how they have to pick out a new nanny for him for the two weeks kid is off school for the holidays and Uncle Daddy has big shit going on at his office. Then we cut to her, and she's having dinner with her boyfriend, who she is completely uninterested in even though right now he seems like a pretty decent dude. We cut to see that kid's babysitter is an elderly woman (their neighbor) who is really nice and mentions her granddaughter... or niece, I can't remember even though I just heard it... and guess who she is, and she's coming to visit?

This is what kills me about Hallmark movies: They front load you with so much information that you're like "Baaaahhh!", and then they drag out the movie, and then it abruptly ends. 

Okay, it's her grandma. And she's on a Christmas pageant planning committee. (Box ticked) Kid's an orphan, so dead parents. (Box ticked) And of course, kid himself, who is precocious and will likely bring everyone together. (Box ticked) I have to take a shower, I bet money I can be away from this movie for 15-20 minutes and not miss a damn thing. Let's find out, for science.

[time passes]

Yeah, I've missed nothing. Here's what's kind've odd - it's like she's falling for the kid and not him. They have zero chemistry, and it's like she's wanting more to be the kid's mom than wanting to be this dude's wife. Also, his haircut is really distracting, it is some kinds of awful.

Okay, well, this is just cookie-cutter. There's nothing remarkable or original or super-egregious about it. So if you just want something to pass time, here you go.

3/5 stars

Mingle All The Way (Hallmark, 2018 - chick named Jen Lilley who should be in more shit, and dude named Brant Daugherty who is discount John Krazinski but still great)

I checked, and we talked about this one last year so I'll re-post the scoop below, but anyway it came on and I re-watched it while I was ironing, and it holds up, it's just solid from top to bottom. I rated it 4/5 last year, but it's getting top score this year upon reconsideration, because there's so few flaws. It's creative, the script has sharpness to it, and acting's good across the board, and most importantly our 2 leads click. Here's what I wrote last year:

Inventive concept here, though they kinda shit the bed with naming their business something affiliated with Christmas if it’s clearly a year-round affair, but okay. What it is: a dating app that’s not a dating app, it’s purely for folks who need a +1 to specifically business/work social events, but also more formal family and friend events (so, say, Christmas party where it’s not just family, or friend party that’s not just show up in your jeans and sweaters - the cocktail stuff, is my point). The thing is, no one is pretending to be the boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s supposed to be like “And this is Susie/Steve, an associate of mine from ____ business”. Nothing romantic, no false pretenses, no lying to others (well… not supposed to wink-wink).

The chick - who runs the biz/came up with it/helped develop it - is needing to take on investors, and one of them is like “Sold! But can I get some firsthand testimonial? Have you yourself tested your product?” and since she’s got shit coming up on her agenda, she does. Plus, her mom’s on her ass about working so much and not dating since a bad breakup years ago, and it’s compounded because baby sister just got engaged. (Mom is bionic woman Lindsay Wagner. She’s not really bionic. Google it, youths.)

Dude is in a situation where he’s not advancing at work because scuzzy kiss ass co-worker is shmoozing with boss during off hours because boss doesn’t invite the single people to brunch or whatever with him and his wife, he’s only inviting the ones who he knows has a partner to bring. I know to some of you this may sound absolutely ridiculous but, um, I’ve experienced this many times. This is not out of the realm. Not even a little bit. I had a gay boss who understood how this happens (likely because he experienced it) and he was wonderful about including everybody. Otherwise, yeah, I been there. I’ve digressed.

The leads have good chemistry, there was great snark and back-and-forth when they met each other a couple times prior to the set-up (‘cause you guessed it: the app paired them with a high %age of compatibility - his sister suggested he do it after he heard about it on the news and he told her of his situation) and they click really well. There’s touches of shmoop, of course, but this was an above-average story amongst the typical Christmas dreck.

5/5 stars

Last Vermont Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Erin Cahill, Justin Bruening - both of whom I recognize)

Hey guess what, this may be their last Vermont Christmas. ::sigh:: Main chick and her 2 sisters and her daughter (single mom, dead husband, box checked, as well as adorable child, check) have converged on the family home in Vermont to find that mom and dad are selling, and I get it, it's huge and they're ready to scale down because they're retired. But, selfishly, one of the sisters - oh, and PS? they look *nothing* alike, casting couldn't even be bothered to get women with the same hair color - decides to sabotage things. So like, when the inspector comes, she and her sorta boyfriend follow him around and make little comments about stuff like termites, then they made sure the fuse box had all kinds of fat wires with caps protruding out of it - you know, like what you'll find if you're changing a light fixture, which is not how fuse boxes work - and I think there was something with some steps.

Anyway none of this matters. What matters is that lead dude is a contractor and is also lead chick's ex from way-back-when, before she met man of dreams and had daughter and moved away to some far off state, I wasn't paying attention. But they get along great and are occasionally a little cheeky with each other, so that's fine. So now he's around doing these faux repairs and they're kind and looping him into their Christmas stuff, which they are disgustingly picture perfect. They cut down their own tree. They go caroling. They bake cookies. They hand-make their ornaments every damn year. I hate them. Well, the writers. It's too much. That was all in roughly the first 45 minutes, too. I'm sure some families out there take it to the mat with Christmas, but holy shit. Okay, add gingerbread houses from scratch (they made sure to show the baking pan with more squares so you know this) to the list. 

This is blowing up the bingo like 'Nam. There's now a snowball fight. Family tree decorating scene with, of course, these special handmade ornaments plus ornaments from years past where they're recalling special times. Ohmigawd, I need to fill out a card for this one, it's insane, I almost can't keep up. Oop, "Grandma's special hot chocolate". Character demonstrates talent (one of the sisters, singing). I legit am not lying, these are coming so fast I'm having trouble keeping up.

He's also somehow in cahoots with the realtor, because he had committed to buying the house, but he says it doesn't feel right now that he's back to getting chubs from his ex, and she's like "Well if you don't then we're still gonna settle up" and I have no idea what that means, does that mean she expects him to pay her the commission she'd have gotten? Is this normal practice? Realtors must have stuff fall through all the time, they'll end up selling and get a commission and who knows, maybe at a better price, so.... ????? The hell? 

Speaking of him, two things: one, his name is Nash (heh) and two, I went to imdb to check the summary to see if I forgot/missed anything and the reviews are hilarious, a ton of them mention how distracting his hair is - he just has lots of it, seems really thick, and it's shaved tight on the sides, so he's got a decent amount atop his dome, but it's only really noticeable when it's slicked straight back. But people were losing their shit over it. I don't find it that distracting, but you may, I find youngest sister's perpetually greasy 1970s hair (not her fault, that's hair and make-up's fault) more irritating.

Okay, so, there's no way this can get a 3, there's too much bingo hits. But aside from that, the acting - especially from youngest sister, who overacts - is very stilted and unnatural, and on occasion the editor left in these pauses in dialogue that are just a touch too long, so I think that's part of the issue. I don't mind the story at all, it's not something we see all the time and thank the lord it's not "family business in danger" - though oh shit, I forgot, this counts as "family home in danger", so there's another square. This is trope-a-palooza. Wait, snowman building. Town has celebration. Okay, I'm done listing, I think we all know where this has to go.

1/5 stars

Reunited At Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Nikki Deloach, who you'll recognize, and other character actors you'll recognize)

So lead chick's mom and dad are making everything weird with all these passive-aggressive comments about the past via mom and shmoopy comments about the past via dad. (They're divorced so I can't figure why they're all shacked up in this house for Christmas with their adult children and their partners.) Lead chick also agreed to her boyfriend's proposal - and he seems like a great guy - even though she's not ready, which is mature. At least within about 10 mins. of it happening she ponies up that she's not into being engaged, and he's a good actor, and it really is kinda sad, I feel for him. So he's all - Imma finish chopping this wood then head back to spend Christmas with my family and we'll regroup after the holidays, and she's all "For real?!" and I'm all "Are you surprised?!"

Y'all this one bored me, I didn't make it past roughly the first 45 minutes, I just didn't care if they got back together and I presume based on the title that they do. Nobody's acting was egregious or anything, it was just slogging and I wasn't engaged because this plot isn't creative at all - I mean, here's the official summary:

Frazzled and struggling with writer's block, novelist Samantha (Deloach), along with her boyfriend, heads home to her late grandmother's home to spend Christmas. While at home with family, her grandmother's wise words reveal the true meaning of Christmas with Samantha at a time when she most needs encouragement.

But again, based on the first part, that doesn't seem to be the plot - I mean seriously, we go through all this family activities stuff, and her and the boyfriend having several different conversations about the not wanting to be engaged thing (one at skating rink, one whilst he's chopping wood, one while back at the house), so there's literally no real mention of grandma by that point, and we're almost at an hour what with commercial breaks and such. So that's it. That's all they've accomplished in basically the first half of the movie. And they managed to hit a bunch of squares (someone's an author, someone gets engaged, skating, tree decorating, baking, etc.) and I'm sure there was more to come. It's the pacing that kills this one, as well as the basic bitch plot, but hey it'll serve as background noise.

2/5 stars  

Small Town Christmas (Hallmark 2018 - Ashley Newbrough who is poor man's Denise Richards, Ryan McDonell who you'll recognize and is a really good actor)

She's an author (check box) on a national book tour and her last stop is the town she's from, upon which the book is based, and her name is Nelle and you'll remember this because for some reason every time someone speaks to her they have to say her name. Okay, maybe not *every* time but it caught my ear, even when I was distracted doing something else or had stepped into another room, they just say her name *constantly* and I don't get it.  The bookstore owner is an almost-was from the past, and there was some mix-up back when they both lived in New York about her leaving him a note and saying to meet her for some reason but he didn't show because turned out he had to leave because his sister had unexpectedly died, but then also he'd written her a letter explaining that she never got but he assumed she got and never contacted him. But then she had texted him a few times over the years and he'd never responded. Because everyone is twelve. I'm not tracking with this completely, though I do get the feeling of just wanting to let something go and let it be in the past. 

Anyway, more drama is that his sister had died so he - name is Emmett - has custody of niece, who is a great little actress and not one bit irritating, she's very cool. Also, her dynamic with uncle is great and like I say, he's a fantastic actor. Poor man's Denise Richards is fine, too, I've got no complaints, honestly. Also pleasant are the peripheral characters of the townspeople. Seriously, across the board, nobody is annoying or eye-rolly, everyone's acting is natural. All right, so close-knit town and some drama is that Brad, this real estate agent who's repping a big dawg firm wants to essentially buy up the town, at least the entirety of the main street/the shops to redevelop, and the part that's cool is that they all talk about it reasonably - some of them being hold outs, some of them really considering it - like adults, nobody's fighting or being douchebags. Then it gets to where the last hold-out is Emmett and he's thinking of Marnie, the kid, because this was her mom's store and so it's technically hers though he has power of attorney. 

Also happening is that Brad is trying to sell the investors on the fact that this town is Ideal Christmas Place, that it's super traditional and the townsfolk do it up right and whatnot, and they are thus far not impressed by what they are seeing. ???? I don't get it, if they want to redevelop then aren't they more concerned about the land/the property value? I'm missing something. Emmett finally agrees and Nelle fusses at him and because Brad's been into her, he's shared what the plan really is with her, and she swipes his notebook and shows Emmett "Look this is some shitass mall or something, you dun goofed". And Brad whiffed because the promise was that the stores would be left alone and they'd all still work there/be the management, it'd just be owned by the corporation and - oh I get it now, they want it to be a big tourist town like thing during the winter holiday seasons. Okay, gotcha. Anyway, I'll let you guess how everything turns out in the end.

I actually liked this one, it could've gone majorly shmoop and tropey fast - I mean, it popped on more than a few bingo squares (bookstore owner, dead parents, author, Christmas tree decorating, town festival/celebration, family business is in danger of being lost, child character) but again, the whole vibe of this movie is casual and natural and it flows and the pacing is on point. The reason for their initial fall-out is a bit "Huh?" but I appreciate that it wasn't something complicated, it was more to real life which is that it is more often than not that it's silly little misunderstandings that drive us apart and if we'd just friggin' speak the hell up, we'd realize it's not a big deal. The two leads really clicked and that was so nice to see since the majority of these movies they don't. Guys, this is one worth watching, I'm only dinging it because too many squares were hit.

4/5 stars

The Christmas Card (Hallmark, 2006 - Ed Asner, Alice Evans, John Newton)

Ed Asner is a gift, and I won't hear otherwise. You'll also recognize the two leads, I've seen them in other stuff. And no, that date's not wrong, this is an oldie and by my estimation these Hallmark movies get more solid on the whole the further back you go, it's like they gave a fuck about nuance in the script vs. recycling plots for the most part so they can crank these babies out like rabbits in perpetual heat. I suspect that's the reason for the 2 star rating you'll see when you hit "info" on the remote. But fuck that, because here's a factoid - other than that I'm about to give this one a 5 (spoiler), Ed Asner was nominated for a Primetime Emmy for it, so I assure you, it's better than that 2 star will indicate.

So here's the first part of the plot from Wikipedia:

In the midst of war in Afghanistan, U.S. Army Master Sergeant Cody Cullen (John Newton) is given a Christmas card from a fellow soldier who had received it from his hometown, Nevada City, California. The card was sent by Faith Spelman (Alice Evans). As months pass, the card never leaves his side. Cody, who has no family, and whose father was killed during the Vietnam War, is deeply affected when the soldier who gave him the card is killed. A few weeks before Christmas, Cody travels to see the soldier's widow, back in Nevada City. Just as he is about to leave town, Cody runs into Faith at a local luncheonette, where they happened to have placed identical orders. They part, but on his way out of town, Cody saves Faith's father, Luke (Ed Asner), from being hit by a speeding car. Luke takes a liking to Cody and convinces him to stay on as temporary help at his family's logging company. Paul (Ben Weber), Faith's longtime boyfriend who travels much of the time, and who selfishly wants Faith to move away from her close-knit family in Nevada City, arrives to meet her.

Everyone nails it. You believe that a part of Faith genuinely cares about the asscrack who's been stringing her along, and that actor nails the whole dickbag routine without being so obnoxious it makes you want to drop-kick the TV. Cody is quietly charming and sells you on the fact that yes, he loves her, and so much that he's not willing to potentially ruin her life, even if it's a life without him. Ed Asner is perfection in his role as the loving and slightly meddlesome dad. The mom is great. The friend is great. All the side characters are great. There is not a bit of cheese in this movie, nothing is tropey, nothing is schlocky, it's just heartwarming. And there are *zero* of the typical cliche elements that arise in these movies featuring troops/veterans. It was so goddamned refreshing as compared to 95% of what Hallmark cranks out now, I genuinely can't believe this is from the same braintrust. 

If it comes on, do yourself a favor and watch it. 

5/5 stars 

Here’s your 4 and 5 stars thus far:

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars

#2

Christmas Made To Order (Hallmark, 2018 - THE DUDE WHO PLAYED AARON SAMUELS IN "MEAN GIRLS"!!!! and a chick who can't act even a little bit)

I cannot emphasize how bad an actress the leading lady is, it is painfully bad. It's not as intolerable as Kellie Pickler, but she's a close damn second. That's how bad it is. I looked her up to see who the fuck would've ever hired her, her name is Alexa Pena Vega, which I tell you so you can immediately change the channel if you see her name in the credits. The only thing from fairly recent past that's of note is that she appeared in 7 episodes of the TV show "Nashville", 90% of what she's done I've never heard of but she's had steady work since she was a kid, and I tell you this because you, too, can be an actor if this person can. 

This movie's plot is bland, the script is stilted, the tone is shmoopy, the pacing is draggy, and it hits way too many bingo squares. Everything about it is irritating. The part that irritated me most was where they're singing "Angels We Have Heard On High" and when getting to "in excelsis deo" they pronounce it "egg-shell-sees", which is wrong, it's more like "eck-chel-sees", hitting that "ch" and last "s" light. I've sang in choirs in Carnegie Hall not once, but twice, you can trust me. There, now you know. 

I feel sorry for Aaron Samuels (Jonathan. His name is Jonathan Bennett. I'm sorry also that everyone, including me, probably calls him Aaron Samuels). He ain't that great in this, and I feel like it's because of the material/people he had to work with. The peripheral family members are overall kind've stiff or something, too. So maybe this is also a director issue? But ol' Alexa, man, she is of the suck, high school kids do better than this. I'm not bothering to give you the summary... I mean, it's basically the title, she's a Christmas party coordinator who's hired by him. I will say I'm happy it reminded me I need to pull a recipe for crockpot mulled cider, so there's that. I'll give it a star for that. We'll file this under background noise, because if you pay attention to it, she's gonna work your nerves then squeeze the last. 

1/5 stars 

Holiday For Heroes (Hallmark, 2019 - Marc Blucas, Melissa Claire Egan)

This one ain't too terribly bad. It's the second military-at-Christmas movie that Blucas has been in for Hallmark (that I've seen) and I have to confess, I was subconsciously comparing that one to this one because that one was pretty damn good (see last year's list, linked above). But Blucas is a really solid actor, everything I've ever seen him in, it comes off naturally. Having said that, I feel like he's been some sort of military something-or-other in most everything I've seen him in (*waves to fellow Buffy fans*), so it could just be he's nailing this shtick. 

She's a little too Mary Poppins - you know, practically perfect in every way - except without the sass, so it's saccharine but I don't blame her, she seems a decent actress who's playing the cards she's been dealt. One of those cards is that her phone ring is a Christmas carol. ::sigh:: I actually laughed out loud at the skating part because any full shot to where you could potentially see her face coupled with a body that had feet wearing skates was either super-far away like they were filming from Mars or, I shit you not, her face was obscured by a hockey net. Girl, it's cool if you got weak ankles or were traumatized by a zamboni or something. But like, don't take the role, ask for a summer movie. 

Okay, here's the problem - this movie is pretty boring. I looked at the clock probably every thirty minutes because I kept thinking "This has to be getting close to the end, right?" These two don't have any romantic chemistry, but they click, it's just I could picture them playing more brother and sister. But the story is blah, I simply didn't care about her getting her party to happen and yeah, it's not for personal, self-serving reasons, it's for a good cause (kids! soldiers!), but I just couldn't find myself caring if she pulled it off or not.  And then he's struggling between choosing a teaching job  or re-enlisting, but he didn't seem particularly stressed, so I wasn't stressed, and you know what *would* have been interesting? How the whole thing started out: somehow (and I can't recall how - maybe through her brother? because he's in the same unit?) they were paired up writing letters while he was deployed and so they knew all this cool stuff about each other, not terribly intimate but definitely personal tidbits, and I could've gotten into a movie that kept them writing letters for a little longer - there was actually a brief thing about his last letter that was lost, and that definitely could've been something interesting, when it finally turned up, that he'd written something very personal/important that he opted not to tell once he met her in person, but that potential firework turned out to be a dud. 

Instead he's back and they meet in person in essentially the first 20 minutes, maybe the first 10 - it was fast, is my point. I think maybe if they had them meeting a little later, we could've gotten to know them better and then we'd be rooting for them in both their individual issues and be rooting for them to get together. Or not, fuck, I don't know. All I know is that the title is deceptive because there were no "miracles", not in a magical or spiritual sense, and also because nothing exciting or unexpected happened, everything unfolds precisely how you expect it will. No really. What you guess early on is exactly what happens. Eh. It didn't hit enough squares to launch it down to 1 or 2 stars, it's not a complete waste of your time, but man is it dancing on the line. 

3/5 stars

Merry And Bright (Hallmark, 2019 - Jodie Sweetin and her new teeth, Andrew Walker who's that guy in lots of these movies upon whose cheekbones one could cut diamonds)

She owns a candy cane company. That's it. That's all they do, candy canes at Christmas. The red and white standard kind. They have business at one time per year and are super successful, mega rich judging by the offices and the houses in which they live. 

Suspension of disbelief, check.

Classic "family business is in danger" story, bonus dead grandmother which is the catalyst for her taking over the company. Side storyline of her mom fostering a dog that's going to end up being her Christmas present. There is no reason for this side storyline, but doggie is cute as all-get-out, so we'll give it a pass. Of course there's a baking scene. Somebody who's not into Christmas gets converted. It hits multiple boxes. 

So, Cheekbones is a consultant sent to advise Jodie on where to cut costs and consolidate, and I hope he tells her first and foremost that one cannot sustain a business for, broadly, two months out of the year, not unless they are the monopoly on candy canes. Which, they aren't. So my first thought is "make flavored canes" and "make sprinkles of said flavored canes" and "make frosting and cake mixes based on said flavors" and liqueur and patent a certain stripe pattern for the canes, then sell wrapping paper in these patterns. You know, shit that sells all year. I majored in business and minored in marketing in undergrad, I can't control when it kicks in.

They find each other difficult, which means of course they'll fall in love. Let's just jump to the end: they diversify with different flavors and they fall in love. PS: no chemistry PPS: her last name is Merriweather and the town's name is Brightwell. Get it? Merry and Bright? Yeah, they didn't just mean the song.  ::sighs::  This is just Typical with a capital "T". I was bored, but it's well-made production value-wise and is fine for background while you're cleaning or something. 

3/5 stars

A Christmas For The Books (Hallmark, 2018 - people you've neither heard of nor will recognize... unless they've been in other Hallmarks, which I'm sure they have)

This one drags so, so badly. It hits too many boxes. There's a Christmas gala. Pretending to be someone's boyfriend. Somebody's famous. Somebody's an author. Did I mention it drags? It draaaaaaags. And I am 99% certain the plot is identical to another one of these movies I've seen (perhaps on a different channel, though). The deal is that she's a romance "expert" but her own relationship just fell apart so she asks her show's producer to pretend to be her boyfriend for the benefit of the higher-ups who are giving her said show, which he does but then his on-again-off-again girlfriend shows up. She's pissed, naturally, and our lead gal lies to her and says "No I'm counseling him so he'll be a better boyfriend to you" and she's an idiot and falls for it, and they end up being best buds. ??? Okay. But here's the thing: she still ends up with dude at the end. And they have zeeeeeero chemistry. Just skip this one. Draaaaaaag. The acting is flat across the board, excepting aforementioned girlfriend who is over-the-top. 

Swear I've seen this exact plot, though. I can see one of the early scenes clear as a bell in my mind. Beautiful brunette lady, they're all outside by a gazebo or some such, she's about to go live or tape in front of audience for her show, and fiance breaks up with her, and I want to say that the guy she pretends with is either a long-time friend, or that they dated in the past. Possibly both. I'm googling this. 

* time passes *

Holy shit, it's another Hallmark movie. It's called "The Convenient Groom" from 2016, summary: "Dr. Kate Lawrence, a celebrity relationship expert, plans to publicly announce her engagement to Bryan, a handsome and perfectly polished businessman. As Kate prepares to share the news, Bryan shocks her by breaking up with her and calling off the wedding. Wanting to save her from humiliation and protect her public image, Lucas Wright, Kate’s childhood friend, steps in and pretends to be Kate’s fiancé. Stars Vanessa Marcil and David Sutcliffe." It also looks like this one was based on a book. 

Ugh. We don't do plagiarism. 

0/5 stars

Christmas In The Air (Hallmark, 2017 - Catherine Bell, Eric Close)

I don't think we did this one last year, but even if so, worth mentioning again. If you don't know him by name, you'll recognize Close, he's a good actor, and Catherine Bell is just solid across the board in everything I've seen her in. So he's a single dad who owns a toy company with his brother and of course they're slammed at this time of year and on top of that they've got a new toy (a drone-type thing) that they're trying to sell an investor on so they're busting ass trying to perfect that, too (on top of, investor and wife are coming to town to see it and somehow they get roped into having them over for dinner). Plus the kids are of an age (looks like maybe 4th grade boy and 6th grade girl?) that they're really getting into activities they've chosen for themselves now so that's on top of the usual parent stuff and we all know it's a lot for single parents at that age, it's almost like they're back to the amount of work of toddlers, they're just back to going in all directions again and starting to get more independent and need more attentiveness. I am pleased to report the kids are not brats nor are they sugar sweet, they're just normal kiddos. Now, she's a professional organizer and they meet by chance at Target or wherever and I forget the circumstances but it is evident to her that he needs some organizing and she gives him her card. I bring this up because it is not a "meet cute", it's just somebody who's astute at networking and she's polite and so's he and it's a normal interaction. 

That's the thing I like about this movie - everything unfolds in a natural manner, nothing is far-fetched. Their jobs make sense, such as - see above - they aren't limited to the Christmas season, even though people do/may need more of their services at this time of year. Close and Bell click and they're both attractive in their own ways and it's believable they grow to fall for each other. Nobody's cutesy and precious and obsessed with Christmas and hyperactive, they're adults going about their daily lives who end up realizing they kind of need each other. And on that note, they don't portray her as this lonely 40-something single woman, it's just evident that she's maybe getting dissatisfied with her routine and maybe actually needs a some messiness in her life because sometimes a little messy can be interesting, if she lets loose to a degree when it comes to all her self-imposed rules that help her keep control on her life. The only thing that was eye-roll worthy was the cookie-making montage scene and the cheesy music that backed it, but! It was incredibly short.

She also has this adorbs little greenhouse out back of her house of which I'm jealous. Not that I can grow plants particularly well. But I'm good at keeping those suckers alive. I want an herb garden when I grow up. [checks watch] Shit, I'm a grown-up. Anyway, this is a well-made, well-written, well-casted (in addition to the leads, the brothers actually resemble each other and the kids click, too), well-paced movie with well-developed characters and my final verdict is that it is most certainly not a waste of your time.

5/5 stars 

Here's your 4 and 5 stars thus far:

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars

#1

Once Upon A Holiday (Hallmark, 2015 - some chick, a guy called Paul Campbell who's vaguely familiar)

Princess of tiny country wants some Christmastime to herself without all the royal obligations, she of course has dead parents because somebody has to. But listen, the 2 leads can actually act, nobody's shmoopy, nobody overreacts when the truth comes out, the ending is simple, it's basically very... well, basic. It's calm. It's sweet. It's not *not* worth watching, though I'd classify it as simply nice, non-irritating background fare. You're not going to go ga-ga and love it, but you're not going to loathe it, either. 

3/5 stars

A Shoe Addict's Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Candace Cameron, the lady who played Charlene on Designing Women)

Candace Cameron is a solid actor and she elevates everything she's in. However. This one is just stupid. It's convoluted in its premise, which is this: when this chick puts on a pair of shoes, it takes her to a certain point in her life where pivotal decisions were made (whether or not she knew at the time), and is giving her an opportunity to play Choose Your Own Adventure and see what could've happened if she'd chosen differently. We don't need the shoes for this story to happen, is my point, because just have her hold an object or have a magical person take her there a la ghosts of Christmas past. Which, well, okay - here we go.

It's also *very* convoluted in how the magic happens and how the love interest comes into it, and is as follows: she works in a department store and gets locked in there randomly one night, and meets her fairy godmother-esque guardian angel who is klutzy and quirky and initiates this whole flashbacking in time with shoes jazz, and in addition Ditzy Angel Fairy is always there kind've interfering and being bumbling while Candace and love interest are working together planning some charity thing involving his firehouse (yeah, he's a fireman, there’s additional backstory for him about following in his dad’s footsteps and something-something-something), and the department store, which somehow necessitates awkward moments in stock rooms and whilst cookie baking, oh and by the way he's also her new next door neighbor. 

Did you follow all that? Congratulations, and pass the liquor. Holy shit. Again, Candace elevates this dreck, as does - oh damn, now I remember her name, it's Jean Smart! - so a star for that, and it doesn't tick like a thousand boxes on the Bingo, but those things don't rescue the bizarre nature of this one. It's all over the place. And so it loses its charm. The shoes are a stupid shtick to try to make this be *not* the same story that we've all seen and heard a million times. And then they piled on all that other extraneous stuff to distract us from that? I guess? Question mark? You may enjoy it because it's chipper and moves at a quick clip, but... yeah, it just didn't do it for me. This type of thing has been done elsewhere, and done better. You make the call.

2/5 stars

Jingle Around The Clock (Hallmark, 2018 - Brooke Nevin, other people)

Career chick gets overwhelmed trying to balance work and the holidays, then she and the dude who's one of many in a pool of potential candidates for a job she wants end up falling for each other. Nevin's a decent actress, and she and the other lead have decent chemistry, and the plot is... you know, it's... well, decent. The only thing that really irked me is that - as in a lot of these movies - there's a stupid misunderstanding that could easily be remedied by one person holding up their hands, interrupting the person who's doing the misunderstanding, and saying "Whoa, hold on. I know what you heard/saw, but here's what actually happened." 

And in this movie's case it was reeeeeally a stretch - like, in other movies, sometimes they'll have one person get pulled away or some other thing where the misunderstood person kinda doesn't have a chance to explain, but this time it's a convo where they're both standing there for minutes upon minutes. Fucking SAY SOMETHING. Anyway. Whatevs. Some of the acting from the peripheral characters is clunky, and pacing is a little off, but overall not intolerable. And it doesn't check a metric shitton of bingo boxes. So, it's cute, not a complete waste of your time.

3/5 stars

Trading Christmas (Hallmark, 2011 - Faith Ford, Tom Cavanagh, Gil Bellows)

Outstanding production value, above-average script, and the 4 shared leads can all act. It's one of those happenstance stories, where - as in real life - no one would've been expecting to meet someone they click with when they're doing what they're doing, and what they're doing isn't some fantastical thing, they’re just trying something new (traveling/staying somewhere else for the holidays).

Everybody behaves like the grown-ups they are, there's no drama, and a tiny spat that occurs between two of them is cute, not grating. Speaking of, particular kudos to best friend character who pulls off the nosy-sassy vibe without being irritating. Even the occasional pop-over scenes to the daughter and her boyfriend at college are fine, they also can act, and they're sweet together, no shmoop, just average folks you'd have been friends with in college, and boyfriend is supportive of daughter when she has a change of heart about them doing their own traveling for Christmas. 

Everything was balanced, no one interlude at a given location lasted too long before getting back to the parallel stories going on elsewhere, and since the scenes with daughter and boyfriend are secondary, even less time was spent with them, and good, that's as it should be. And here's the part I like the best, because it's *different* and *interesting* - your 2 primary leads? Ford and Cavanagh? They aren't each other's romantic will-they-won't-they, so how's about that? This barely hits anything on the bingo card, ergo the score is....

5/5 stars

Time For Me To Come Home For Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Josh Henderson, Megan Park) 

I should take off a star right now for the long title. You'll know by the end of the review what I've decided. Anyhow, out of the gate, understand that I had to make myself watch this one because the synopsis tells me part of this has to do with the dude being a country music singer and that means somebody's gonna sing - likely, him - and it'll probs be a Christmas song, and that also carries with it the risk of *original* Christmas song, which is infinitely worse. I also have no idea who this Josh Henderson person is - if he happens to be a singer by trade and this is what got him the role, well, I'm not looking it up, I'm reserving my judgment for when I actually hear him sing and see him act.  

Second thing to know, there's something very important that sold me on watching this: turns out Megan Park is the actress who played my favorite character in one of these Christmas movies so far - and some of you will understand the gravity of this, but if you don't then go now and read my write-up on the worst of the worst, My Christmas Love. Folks, Megan Park played Janet. *The* Janet. Light of my life during that shitstorm Janet. She who kept me afloat in a sea of dreck Janet. I owe this to Janet. 

Henderson's a fine actor, Park is way above average and should be doing more than Hallmark movies, and they click together, so good casting, there. (Also good casting? He's actually Southern, the accent isn't fake - though on the occasional word he bumps it up a bit but that could've been because of director, who knows - and for my Southern ears that is so re-fucking-freshing). The dialogue is better than usual for these movies (read: it sounds like things real people would say), and it's elevated by the fact that our two leads are delivering it well. The story unfolds in an easygoing, natural manner (as in, it's not smitten at first sight, they grow to fall for each other over the course of their journey), while at the same time moving at a nice clip. The quick and dirty: they're both from nearby towns/cities in the same state in the midwest, she thinks she knows him from local choir competitions so he's appreciating her treating him like anybody else vs. famous, they're both kinda dreading going home - her because breaking news to dad that the family business is in worse trouble than they thought, him because it's going to be first Christmas since his dad died, plus he's stressed anyhow because he's got songwriter's block. 

A run-down of the songs, so you're fully prepared.... I'll give you the length too because I'm a super nice person... okay not really, but Christmas miracles and hope and bleccccch....

Song one: Deck the Halls, piano, solo, shortish

Okay, he can carry a tune but there's nothing exceptional about his voice. I'm still not looking him up.

Song two: Jingle Bells, acoustic guitar, two old people harmonizing (poorly), short

Bless.

Song three: Joy To The World --> O Come All Ye Faithful, acapella, choir, shortish (but most part in background), they're ever-so-slightly flat which is worse than being completely flat (hi, choir nerd here)

Sigh.

Song four: Away In A Manger, him & 2 precocious children, acoustic, shortish

Twice.

Second time longer.

Second verse with him. 

Fuuuuuuuuu--------

Song five: 

The original song (which isn't entirely bad), acoustic, she inexplicably knows the tune and words well enough to harmonize and so does the mom and then there's inexplicable ability for sister to play 2nd guitar, and inexplicable background somebody to fiddle along, as well. It's a brand new song. He just wrote it. He essentially had just finished it in his mind. Length: Long, as it finishes the movie.

Stupid. So, so stupid. Just have him sing it. I don't mind the 2nd guitar or the fiddle because people skilled on such can pick up chords after watching another person run through it once, and can insert a little complementary medley in between verses, respectively - it's the people magically knowing the lyrics that's irritating and takes you out of the movie completely.

Major Complaint: there's three separate misunderstandings. One: she thinks he was trying to make a fool of her (huh?) by not telling her who he was (re: famous) and he reacts calmly; two: she sees a tabloid saying he had a girlfriend, acts pissy til he finally gets her to pony up what the hell is wrong, she says, and he reacts good naturedly; three, he offers to invest in the fam business so they don't have to rely on bank loans, and she gets all offended saying this must mean he doesn't believe in her (::sigh:: no, it doesn't), and he again takes it well. What annoys me is that all three of these are stupid and are on her, and she's not a stupid person, so her behaving this way is contrary to the other 90% we've seen. I don't get it. It was really odd.

Okay, I won't give it stars off because of the title, fine. But the title *is* cumbersome and kept me from this movie last year, it should've been called A Sweet Christmas Song or something of that ilk - sweet since she makes preserves and candy bars, then of course him writing the song, and also we can't possibly have one of these movies without Christmas in the title. 

Here's the problem: this ticks way too many bingo boxes. The family business is in danger of being lost. There's a dead parent (one for each lead, bonus sick spouse of random friend). There's Christmas songs sung by lead character. There's precocious children (three, specifically). One of the lead characters is famous. Character performs an instrumental talent. Group baking scene. Visit to a town with a holiday event. Characters make Christmas wishes. 

Those coupled with the annoying triple-play of Standard Hallmark Movie Misunderstanding Moment means this should be in negative star territory. But we're going to break the rules. I am docking it only one star for all the tropes, then another star specifically for song overload, as it would've been more impactful to hear his voice for the first time (bits in background as he comes on radio/TV notwithstanding) in the song he's been struggling to write when it happens at the end. All the music was just too much, between him and rando touring couple and choir and kids (twice), then the family sing-a-long. Good god almighty, I actually got tired just typing all that out. This movie is so strange because the components are of the suck, but afterwards you'll be like "Eh, that wasn't bad". 

Bottom line: if you're going to watch a Christmas movie, this one is way far from the worst, it's not a waste of your time, just beware the huge trope minefield and know it's only saved by the quick pacing and very natural acting on the parts of your two leads. 

3/5 stars (but just barely, and easily could've been 5/5 which is much disappoint)

Magical Christmas Ornaments (Hallmark, 2017 - people named Jessica Lowndes and Brendan Perry, the latter of whom I recognize from something)

So, I caught part of this last year and I don't think I went over it, but don't worry if I did because I am not going over it now. Brief synopsis: Mom, who has a real hard-on for Christmas, sends daughter ornaments and they turn out to be "magical", because they are reminding her of happy anecdotes from Christmases of her past so it's changing her attitude, plus coincidental great stuff is happening after she receives each one. To sum: anti-Christmas person starts to get into the spirit, lady lead is really focused on her career, falls in love with physician neighbor, precocious kids - it's trope-a-palooza from what I've seen (about an hour). 

Here's why I'm not bothering to get into it - well, beyond the fact that the lady lead couldn't act her way out of a paper bag, plus (and this is *not* her fault) her hair and makeup are poorly done and it's very distracting - it's a commercial for Hallmark Keepsake Ornaments. The very first one she opens, it's an over-the-shoulder shot and she's got the box tilted precisely to where the logo is clear-as-a-bell into the camera. Fuck that noise. I'm not sticking around for the rest of the ornaments, it may've only happened with that one but I don't care. Also, the pacing is soooo slow. 

1/5 stars (the one only because the male lead can act, and may make it tolerable for you)

[tysonrunningfox]

Ripped: Part 4

Ok, but actually, just..............this.  Just..............get in on this

Ao3

Hiccup and Heather found the Johann connection while she was helping him research his book.  It started, like most of his best ideas, as a joke while he was sifting through Sergeant Johanssen’s notes on the Grimborn case.  Johann was by all metrics, insufferable and attention-seeking, and as hard as it is to define the character of people who’ve been dead over a hundred years, the sheer number of mostly useless anecdotes he made officers sit through speaks for itself.  It was late in his Dad’s office when Hiccup flopped back and griped that if Johann was sadistic enough to make the Sergeant sit through one more tale about morality and cattle, maybe he was sadistic enough to murder and mutilate a series of prostitutes.  

Heather laughed, but something about it stuck with both of them because they kept looking into it anyway, as silly as it was, pulling the string to see what was there.  There are no shortage of primary sources citing Johann using the murders to sell more bibles, aiming to cleanse the streets of moral filth by educating them about the might of the lord.  

As a theory, it holds out further than most.  In fact, there’s nothing to disprove it.  Johann was in Berk during all of the Grimborn murders.  A couple of the Grimborn letters even have phrases in common with notes taken on Johann’s witness accounts.  It’s entirely plausible that a bible salesman in the late eighteen eighties killed a string of loose women in a violent campaign to impose morality on Downtown Berk, but there’s absolutely no way to prove it.  

That’s where Hiccup and Heather started fighting about it, she couldn’t take the open end.  She found random slayings in downtown Outcast Island, no mutilation, not even all prostitutes or obviously morally destitute people, and tried to start pinning them on Johann based on the fact he wasn’t noted to be in Berk that month.  She was ready to pull the trigger on something definitive and she started pushing it in tours, adding in leading pauses in front of the church, where Reverend Svenson encouraged Johann to lower prices as a form of aid, rather than expanding efforts to feed the poor.  

Just because there’s nothing wrong with the Johann theory doesn’t mean there’s anything right. Knowing things too well gets in the way of learning more about them, and Hiccup is in this to learn, not know.  

At least, that’s a very polite and summarized version of what he yelled at Heather and quit, calling her tour a stolen heap of sensationalist garbage that warps the facts for her own vanity.  

It’s ironic now that he’s approaching her out of his own vanity.  After a night of bugging Snotlout about how Astrid possibly could have known about Johann and getting nothing more than grumbling, it occurred to him that maybe she took Heather’s tour to have something new to shout down at him.  And well, since she already made it clear how she feels about him looking in her apartment, asking about her whereabouts in reference to Heather’s tour seems like a good way to press that harassment charge.  

He gets to the Ripped Tavern a bit early a couple days after Astrid’s Johann revelation and looks for Heather.  She’s at the bar, talking to her brother, and Dagur steps away when he sees Hiccup approaching, presumably warning Heather, because she turns and raises an eyebrow.

“Can I do something for you, Hiccup?”  She cocks her head, “I thought I was too sensationalized for a rational person like you to need anything from me.”

“I just wanted to ask if you’re still talking about Johann.”  He adjusts his bag on his shoulder, fidgeting with his laser pointer in his pocket.  

“Why wouldn’t I?”  She sets her jaw, “since we discovered the idea together—”

“Has anyone been particularly curious about it lately?”  He cuts her off, uninterested in rehashing the fight.  As long as she doesn’t publish anything without his notes, he’s content to trim the sides of Berserker tours’ profits as long as she holds out.

“Why?  Did you tell someone who wanted to finish figuring it out?” She rolls her eyes and Hiccup sighs.

“She’d be about our age, blonde, moved into Elizabeth Smith’s apartment and umm, well, she’s not a fan of my tour route—”

“No blonde women have asked me about Johann while complaining about your trespassing habits,” Heather shakes her head, “I swear, if Snotlout wasn’t looking out for you—”

“Well, he is.”  He doesn’t need this lecture from Heather, of all people.  Back before she took herself so seriously, she’s the one who dropped through the boarded-up window at Number 31, Harbor Road to examine the third site before it got torn down to make room for condos.  “And I was just wondering if anyone asked, but it sounds like no, so…thanks, have a sensational tour.”  His fake bitterness doesn’t do much to her and he wishes he hadn’t said anything at all when she frowns, concerned.  Hopeful. “Don’t even—”

“What if someone else figured it out?  I’m not the one being too petty to publish anything, I still have all my notes.”  

“Yeah and mine, how do they fit into the version of reality you tour?”  He doesn’t expect an answer to that and he doesn’t get one.  Letting Heather keep the notes is letting her have the last word without having a verbal WWE match in Victorian Garb, and his hat has been through enough lately already.  

Heather’s tour leaves on time and Hiccup’s slips out the side door fifteen minutes after.  It’s a foggy night and the girl on the spot where Mary Johnson was found squeaks and jumps into her boyfriend’s arms when she realizes.  He’s a little ahead of schedule when he approaches the first site, talking a little too fast and trying not to hope that Astrid will have something to say today.  Maybe something that reveals her methods or reasons.

Maybe she’ll lean out the window again and argue with him, shivering in her pajamas.  He shouldn’t have noticed, and he definitely shouldn’t have remembered, especially given he had to spend the rest of that tour fending off someone asking after her theories.  That should have been annoying enough for him to wish she’d stayed inside, but well, he didn’t.  

It’s worse that she’s pretty in a way that makes looking directly at her difficult.  Funnier for Snotlout, but worse for him.  

The lights are out in her apartment though, like she’d rather find somewhere else to be than argue with him, and he steps to the side of the sandstone wall, rubbing his hand over it and remembering the first time he came here.  It was the first place he stood that he knew that at some point, Viggo Grimborn stood in the exact same spot.  

“Before we get a little closer to the site of the first Grimborn murder,” he pauses when he looks at the group and sees Astrid at the back of it, arms crossed and keys dangling from her hand, like she caught him on her way home.  “Where we won’t enter or peek in at all, because that would be creepy.”  He gives her a thumbs up and she shrugs.  

“You’re talking about the ‘All Safe’ message, right?”  

“Well, I was going to,” he pats the wall, focusing back on the group and remembering where he was, “right, this wall, on the morning that Elizabeth Smith’s body was found, there was a message on it, presumably left by the murderer.  The officer on his morning patrol assumed it was meant for him from the officer on watch the night before, but when questioned, the night officer didn’t know anything about it.”  

“And because there were no pictures taken of it, because of a rainstorm later that afternoon, the main source for the message has always been the notes from the officer who was called by a witness to discover Elizabeth Smith’s body.”  Astrid excuses herself unnecessarily because the group is already splitting to look back at her, confused but used to being talked at by this point in the tour.  She could thank him for the warm up, maybe, but he doesn’t think he’ll be that lucky. “So, the message, ‘All Safe’ has always been understood to be a statement, as in, behind this wall, everything is safe.”  She steps up next to Hiccup, in front of the wall, fiddling with her keys like she’s nervous even as she gestures at the bricks.  

“Oh, are you going to give my tour?”  He doesn’t mean for the sarcasm to shut her down, necessarily, but he doesn’t expect her to shove it off, standing up straighter and looking between him and the tour group.  

“I was going to fix it, if that’s ok with you.”  

“Fix it?”  

“The ‘All Safe’ message was not officially photographed as part of the crime scene on the morning that Elizabeth Smith was discovered murdered,” she reaches into her jacket pocket and pulls out a piece of paper that unfolds to an eight and a half by eleven, slightly smeared, freshly printed scan of the Berk Enquirer. Judging by the font, it’s copied from a paper issued in the late eighteen hundreds, but Hiccup doesn’t recognize it.  He tends to stay away from the Enquirer, because he got done with stories about Viggo Grimborn running away with the Loch Ness monster.  “But, a back-page story broke in the Enquirer on the same day as the investigation began, and the ‘All Safe’ message is clear in the background.”

“What?”  Hiccup stops short, reaching reflexively for the paper, but she holds it over her head away from him, eyes flicking between his and his hat.  

“Well, if you didn’t know about this, I guess I am going to have to give the tour.”  She offers him the picture and when he takes it, snatches his hat off of his head and puts it on herself.  “Which means I need the stupid tour outfit.”  

“Hey!”  Hiccup reaches for his hat back but looks at the picture at the same time, his indignance and his hand pausing in unison when he angles the grainy image under the street lamp and clearly sees the chalk text of ‘All Safe’ written on the wall where they’re standing.  “Oh my God.”  

“As I was saying, when you actually see the famous ‘All Safe’ message, it’s obvious that it’s something else entirely.”  She nods decisively, the too big top hat tilting forward over her forehead, “it doesn’t say ‘All’, it says Al, I. It’s a signature.”  

“How did you find this?” He traces it with a fingertip.  

“Aren’t you going to pass it around to the group?”  She adjusts his hat, and he swallows hard, nodding a little too quickly and exhaling a suddenly obvious puff of steam into the cold air.  

“Sure, yeah.”  

“Anyway, as I was saying, presumably it’s a signature apparently announcing that one Al, last name starting with I, was safe at the wall the morning of November eleventh, eighteen eighty-three.  And the assumption has always been that it was connected with the Grimborn murders, because Elizabeth Smith was automatically considered the first Grimborn victim.”  She starts pacing a couple of steps back and forth, hands clasped behind her back, and she’s mocking him, sure, but she’s teasing him too.  

And she brought him new Grimborn evidence and it makes him wonder if she figured out about Johann herself, and that thought makes it kind of hard to breathe.

“But, I’d like to present an alternate hypothesis,” she turns to Hiccup, in particular, blue eyes on fire and he feels like he can’t move.  Not his foot, not his expression, which is somewhere between rejected, stunned, and thrilled.  “The same night that Elizabeth Smith was killed, there was a robbery in the downstairs of 324 Harbor Road.  It’s glossed over, because of the murder, but all signs point to it being a two-man job. One lookout, one person casing the basement apartment belonging to Elizabeth Smith’s brother-in-law, who she could have easily been visiting.  A week later, one Alfred Ireland was caught with that brother-in-law’s monogrammed knife and arrested for breaking and entering.”  

“What are you saying?” Hiccup passes the picture to the nearly forgotten tour group and the first girl looks at it with only casual interest.  

“I’m saying that a man, whose name could easily be abbreviated to ‘All’ was caught after stealing a knife the very night that Elizabeth Smith was stabbed, in the upstairs of the house where her brother-in-law lived.  I’m proposing that she’s not a Grimborn victim at all, but a casualty of a robbery that wasn’t meant to be anything more.”  Astrid reaches up for his hat, taking it deftly off of her head and setting it back on his.  Her thumb grazes his ear and he swallows hard.  “So, my apartment was just unfortunate enough to be the location of some casual, run of the mill violence, and does not belong on a Grimborn tour.” She exhales and nods, obviously pleased with herself as points at the circulating picture.  “You can keep that.”  

“Thanks,” Hiccup’s voice cracks and he clears his throat, “thank you, umm, but—”

“Don’t you have an actual tour to start?”  She waves him off as she walks to the front door of the building and lets herself in, “since this isn’t a location on it, I mean.”  

“I’m confused,” a guy in the tour group cuts across Hiccup’s thoughts, “is this a location of a Grimborn murder or not.”  

“I don’t—Ok, I don’t know why you guys chose my tour.”  Hiccup scratches his face, feeling flushed and off kilter again, brain flitting between Astrid and Johann and evidence he’s never imagined actually seeing.  “Or I do, it’s because it’s cheaper, but I like to pretend it’s because it’s less sensationalized and less…like I’m trying to spoon-feed you my own opinion of who Viggo Grimborn was or might have been.”

“It’s also longer,” a woman offers helpfully, “longer and cheaper.”  

“Great.  Thanks,” he laughs, “longer and cheaper, I’ll add that to the website.”  He looks up at Astrid’s apartment, the light turning on behind closed blinds, her shadow moving in front of it like she’s pacing.  “I’ve been studying Viggo Grimborn for about five years, I’ve read police notes and fictionalized accounts and theories that the murder was committed by anyone from the crown prince of a now defunct Scandanavian monarchy to a gang of rogue Free Masons.  Most sources point to one person, most likely a man, committing at least four murders, starting in that apartment with Elizabeth Smith in November eighteen eighty-three.”  He resists the urge to snatch the picture back and stare at it, to run home and compare it to his scans of letters and detectives’ writing.  

“But you don’t know?” Someone else asks and Hiccup shrugs.

“I don’t, and no one ever will.  There’s nothing in my knowledge saying what she just said isn’t correct, but there’s no DNA, there’s very little evidence left.  Sure, the case was foundational to modern forensics, but like all foundational things, the police work was flawed and riddled with mistakes.”  He gestures down the road, “let’s go to the second site, maybe the Grimborn fairy will come inform me that it was actually committed by…I don’t know, an escaped circus dragon.”  

Hiccup is a little surprised that anyone follows him, but then again, he is giving them a real bang for their ten bucks.  He manages to find his rhythm again at the second site, showing the gruesome pictures people love to cringe at, and walking too fast to illustrate the complicated timeline of the proposed double event.  But he’s glad when it starts raining, a veritable deluge cutting off the last ten minutes of the tour and sogging the brim of his hat by the time he gets home.  Usually, he hates cancelling, but tonight he’s fumbling his phone out of his pocket to update weather concerns on his site before he’s even up the stairs to his apartment.  

“I thought I smelled wet goat,” Snotlout catches him in the entry way, shrugging into his uniform jacket and zipping it up.  

“Good to see you too.”

“You know, because your coat is made of old goat fur or whatever.”  

“Wool,” Hiccup takes off the offending coat, hoping that Snotlout doesn’t notice him sniffing it. It doesn’t smell great, he could dry clean more often, but Astrid would have assumed that’s just the smell of murder sites, right?  “You’re looking for wool.”  

“Whatever,” Snotlout pats his holster and checks how secure his badge is, “are you in for the night?”

“Probably,” Hiccup shrugs, “Astrid actually umm…delivered some new evidence to me, I’ve got a lot to dig into.”  

“She seemed so normal, I can’t believe she’s shouting weird shit out the window at you.”  

“Grimborn-ology is cool,” Hiccup dodges when Snotlout tries to put him into a headlock, laughing and shuffling backwards towards his dad’s old office, “I always told you.”  

“Yeah, but I never thought it would start attracting hot girls,” he says goodnight and leaves and Hiccup lays the photo Astrid gave him out on his desk, next to his most recent, half full notebook.  

The fact is he’s not good with data he didn’t find himself, he always wants to see the paper it came from or the notes themselves.  The obsessive double checking of everything Heather found drove her crazy, but when he was having to back track from theories to the facts themselves, it was even more necessary.  He drums his fingers on the desk for a minute and his eyes dart to an old book on the shelf, the only one he has duplicates of.  

He still doesn’t know how Astrid found out about Johann.  Or the chalk message.  

She hasn’t come through on the harassment threat yet, and now she’s researching.  And Snotlout isn’t here to tell him that going to see her is a horrible idea, and maybe it’s not, they have a shared interest.  

He grabs a copy of the book, second edition, the one he found first, on the way out of the office and changes into an actual raincoat before heading out, hood pulled low over his forehead against the rain.  It’s a Saturday night, chances are she won’t even be home.  Maybe he could leave the book with a  note in it.  His number maybe, that would be a better way of communicating than her occasionally taking over his tour or shouting out windows.  That’s a good way to phrase it, not too presumptive, just as a way of sharing evidence.  

He’s so busy thinking through what he’s going to say and the rain is loud enough on his hood that he almost runs into two people on the sidewalk, one in an official looking black uniform that he’s really learning to hate and the other huddled under an umbrella with a heavy looking backpack.  

“It’s past curfew,” the man in the uniform says, blocking an alley that the woman with the umbrella is apparently trying to walk through, “the courtyard is closed to everyone but residents.”  

“I’m not trying to go through the courtyard, I’m just cutting through to the shelter.”  The woman shivers, “please, it closes in ten minutes.”  

“The courtyard—”

“Hi, what seems to be the problem here?”  Hiccup cuts in, doing his best Snotlout’s-cop-voice impression and standing up straight.  

“Neighborhood Watch Force concern,” the man in the uniform tries to brush him off, showing a pseudo-official badge that Hiccup knows to mean nothing.  Snotlout complains about these guys enough, the private security employed by the condo developers to keep the streets a certain brand of clean are really starting to think they’re cops.  

“I live in the neighborhood.”  Hiccup points over his shoulder, “one of the brownstones back there, what’s the neighborhood concern?”  

“The other side of this building is visible from The Docks,” he uses the pretentious name of the ugly condos he apparently works for, “I’ve been instructed to keep the streets empty past curfew for the safety of the neighborhood.”  

“Well, I feel safe,” Hiccup turns to the woman, who’s scared and probably homeless, “I’ll walk her to the shelter, I know the guy who runs it, I can get him to open the door even if we go the long way.”  

“Good, you’ll have to,” the uniform brings gravitas that doesn’t hold water and if Hiccup weren’t worried about scaring the woman further, he’d point it out.  

The woman’s name is Jennifer and it sounds like she’s trying to navigate a difficult divorce, but Hiccup doesn’t pry.  He delivers her to the back door of the shelter, texting Gobber to open up.  His usual lecture about being late ends abruptly when Hiccup mentions his conversation with the NWF.  

“No one will tell me what those pushy bastards are supposed to be allowed to do,” he shakes his head.

“They’ve been driving Snotlout crazy too,” Hiccup shrugs, “I just thought you’d want to know they’re blocking people crossing town, you might want to loosen up when you close the doors.”  

“Right, like I’m not already up against their curfew laws,” Gobber rolls his eyes, “thanks lad, great advice.  Oh, and by the way, speaking of driving people crazy, are you still harassing my tenants?”  

“You say harassing, I say stimulating their curiosity,” Hiccup grins, “it seems I have a new source of Grimborn info.  I’m heading over to talk to Astrid now.”  

“She invited you?”  

“She stimulated my curiosity,” he winces, stepping backwards out of the range where Gobber could cuff his ear with a cold, metal hook.  

“I’m sure she did,” Gobber shakes his head, “you know, maybe I could get that NWF to keep my tenants safe too.  Keep the riff-raff out of my courtyard.”  

“Hey, that’s what I’m for, you want me out of a job?”  

“Maybe then you’d be into a real one,” Gobber grumbles as he goes back inside and Hiccup yanks his hood back up, heading towards Astrid’s apartment the back way to avoid any more run ins.  He cuts across the street at the second murder site, patting the book in his inner pocket to make sure it’s still dry and ringing the visitor bell on the front door of Astrid’s building to get temporary access.  

It gives five minutes for an interior door to open, and if none do, Gobber is alerted and tonight, would know to call Snotlout, so keeping this under five minutes if necessary is probably for the best.  He really just wants to drop off the book and ask Astrid a few questions, if she seems receptive.  If not, there has to be another way to track down her sources, there are only so many collections with hundred year plus old Berk Enquirers.  

He knocks on the door and takes a step back so that she can see him clearly through the peephole, checking his watch and vowing to leave in three minutes, no matter what.  She opens the door almost immediately, wearing sweatpants with her hair braided over her shoulder and the suspicious glare he’s starting to think of as typical on her face.  

“What do you want?”  

“Hi,” he brushes beaded up water off of the front of his coat before unzipping it to get out the book.

“Hi, what are you doing here?”  She blocks the doorway with a confidence that shows she’s not really worried about him fighting his way through, and looking at her, that’s probably fair.  “You don’t have a troupe of people who want to see my living room with you, right?”  

“No, I cancelled my last two tours,” he shakes his head, wet hair dripping onto the floor, “weather.”

“But you couldn’t skip your pilgrimage?”  She steps back, gesturing at her mostly empty living room.  

Hiccup can’t help but impose the tenant house walls over it, the pre-remodel door about six feet behind her, eternally immortalized in those first crime scene photos.  There were three apartments on this floor then instead of two, and the kitchen plumbing had to go through an external add on that made the window on the far wall wider.  

“I brought you a book,” he holds it out to her and she stares at it, suspect.  

“Viggo Grimborn Solved: The Admiral Haddock Connection.”  She reads the title and her hand twitches towards it, curious even as her face betrays nothing.  

“You asked a couple weeks ago what my theory was.  I told you I liked the mystery, and that’s true, but this is my favorite theory.” He waits a beat and almost pulls his hand back, but she takes the book and starts flipping through it, leaning her shoulder on the door frame.  

“Admiral Hiccup Haddock?” She raises an eyebrow, “so that’s not your real name?  It’s an alias or something?”  

“No, it’s my real name, I’m named after him.  He’s my great-great-great-great grand uncle or something, I’m not exactly sure what you call your great-great-great-great-grandfather’s brother, I probably miscounted greats—”

“Did he do it?”  She frowns, looking at the publishing information. Second edition, nineteen forty-five underlined.  

“Oh God no,” he laughs, “his dad had been the crown prince before the republic and then raised a son who had an esteemed navy career and retired to police work, but this guy, A. M. Mildew was absolutely sure that he spent the summer he was twenty-four murdering prostitutes in Downtown Berk.  Absolutely none of it makes sense, there’s a whole passage hinting at a victory song at The Academy actually referring to this complicated web of forbidden, gay, masonic relationships.”  

She raises an eyebrow and flips through, skimming his notes in the margins, “so it’s bullshit.”  

“An utter, steaming pile of it.”  He nods, “my favorite theory, it has my name all over it.”  

“Funny,” she snorts, a dry little laugh that reaches her eyes more than the rest of her expression. “Why are you telling me this?”  

“You showed me a picture I’ve been wanting to see for about five years, a picture I didn’t think existed.” He tucks his hands in his pockets, his jeans damp almost through from the rainy walk over.  “And Johann was kind of my pet theory, for a while, I didn’t tell anyone but my old partner.  At first, I thought you must have talked to her, but she said no.  And well, it seems like you’ve been doing your own research, I was guessing—hoping, maybe—that you were curious.”  

“I work part time at the archives at the university,” she sets the book inside on a shelf or table he can’t see, and it feels like a win, if not a definitive victory.  “If it was all about the mystery, I thought maybe if I solved it, I could diminish some of the allure.”  

“But then I come here and tell you that my favorite theory is the absolute nonsense one that I happen to be named after…”

“Any chance we could compromise on you buying me soundproof curtains?”  She smiles then, not quite friendly, a mischievous glint in her blue eyes as she takes half a step forward, almost into the hallway.  

“Let me give you a private tour,” he blurts, gesturing at her living room and down the stairs beside him in a combination that’s probably more jazz hands than anything else.  “The real tour, the three in the morning tour, with the good stuff I leave out most of the time.”  

Her brows knit together as she stands up straight, arms crossed and instantly closed off again, “no, I don’t think so.”  

“Oh,” he flushes, “I thought you were maybe umm, warming up to me a little there, guess I misread that. I’ll go—”

“No, as in ‘no, I’m not going on a serial killer memorabilia tour at three in the morning with a guy I don’t know’.  That sounds like a really good way to get murdered.”  

“When you put it that way, that makes sense,” he looks at his shoes for a second, “you have a gift for framing things.”  Which is the lamest compliment that anyone has ever given anyone and he winces.  

“You keep needing me to remind you of really obvious things.”  She looks like she might be about to smile again, and Hiccup can’t help but push his luck, tapping at his watch.  

“Let me try, you know how time is circular?”  

She frowns, “I’d say time is linear, last time I checked.”  

“Ok, sure, but our understanding of a repeating twenty-four-hour day is circular.”  He waits for her to nod, one shoulder shrugging slightly, “so if we follow that theory, at some point, really late becomes early.  So, while staying up to meet someone to go on a Grimborn tour with some guy you barely know at three in the morning might be creepy, starting your day outlandishly early by meeting a guy who gave you a book on his family’s fake sordid history for a Grimborn tour might be totally fine.”  

“Oh, so mornings I have to be at work at four-thirty, you’re saying it’s normal to add a Grimborn murder tour detour to my morning commute?”  

“Four-thirty?  The private tour is at least two hours.”  He assures her, “and by that point it’s getting light out, which makes it even harder for it to be creepy.”  He can see her thinking about it, biting her lip and looking over her shoulder at the book.  “And if worse comes to worst and I default to my obviously genetic tendencies towards murder, I bet you can totally take me.”  He flexes, “noodle arms.”  

“I’ll…” she sighs, “I’ll let you know if I ever have a morning that early.  Give me your number?”  

“Yeah, sure, that’s—here,” he hands her his phone, “put yours in, I’ll text you.”  

“One condition,” she passes the phone back and forth between her hands, “you aren’t going to start a daily Grimborn facts text service, are you?”  

“Not until you ask me to,” he nods, “which you will, after my private tour.”  

“Sure.”  She hands his phone back and stares at him another second, taking a slow step backwards into her apartment.  “So, I’ll let you know.”  

“Right.”  He nods, rezipping his jacket and steeling himself to go back into the rain, even though he doesn’t think keeping warm will be a problem this time.  “Looking forward to it.”  

[shipmistress9]

Lessons In Dancing And Dreaming - 11 (Last chapter)

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

Here now, the last chapter of this silly little rom-com-story. Have fun :) 

. o O o .

Just as Hiccup had hoped, the dance was still in full swing when they arrived at his grandfather’s old barn. Sure, they were late to the party, but they weren’t too late. Actually, he considered their arrival to be perfectly timed. Not so late that their appearance would be overly noticeable in an already mostly empty barn, but also not so early that everyone was sober and paying attention to the rather unexpected combination.

Because, surely, they made an odd pair. He looked just like his usual lanky self, too long and thin, limping slightly, his hair in its usual mess, and with clothes that had looked fine earlier, but were dusty and, after repeatedly riding his bike, wind-blown and quite untidy-looking. And then there was Astrid, beautiful as ever in that deep blue dress that hugged her curves perfectly, her golden hair in a simple yet elegant braid that was hanging over her shoulder and hadn’t really suffered from wearing a helmet. And with his bracelet on her arm.

Sure, probably nobody but him really noticed that one, but it still meant a lot to him. Yeah, maybe getting her such a piece of jewellery as a birthday present had been a little too much considering that they’d been just friends this morning and he didn’t know how or where they would end up, relationship-vice. But he’d still bought it. Or rather, composed it. It was a simple gold chain with a couple of charms that weren’t dangling off the sides but were linked into the chain directly. One was a minuscule guitar, the other a stylised bow and arrow, and the third a blue crystal, surely no valuable stone but matching Astrid’s eye colour perfectly. And she’d liked it. Had even thrown her arms around his neck to hug him and kiss his cheek in her joy.

His skin where her lips had touched them was still tingling.

As was his hand that was holding hers as they entered the main dance room and looked around for their friends. Eret and Dagur were the first to notice them, nearly identical grins spreading across their faces as they spotted them. Eret was handing Dagur a note as they came over, and a small part of Hiccup worried what exactly had been the wording of their bet this time.

“So, you made it after all,” Eret greeted them with a smirk. “Didn’t think you’d still show up here.”

“Oh, shut up, Eret,” Astrid rolled her eyes good-humouredly. They were still slightly red Hiccup knew, but in the dim light in here that was barely noticeable.

He looked around the room as Astrid swatted off more teasing comments by Eret and Dagur, knowing that she was well able to handle those. He spotted Tuff at one table at the side of the room, dancing the chicken dance on top of it with a cheering crowd around him, and he also saw Ruff pulling Scott into their direction. But those were all of their friends he spotted. Sure, he hadn’t expected to see Justin here — but where were Heather and Cami? He owed them both hugely.

“So, you made it after all,” Ruff cheered as she reached them, using the exact same words Eret had used too. “We were taking bets, you know? I said you’d still come here and not directly jump into bed with each other.”

Oh, so that had been their bet? Hiccup inwardly applauded their confidence, even as his ears turned a burning red. Not… that he hadn’t thought in that direction… But that definitely wasn’t his goal tonight. He wanted to be with Astrid, and not simply get laid.

“You guys are horrible,” Astrid snorted. If this topic affected her in any way, she didn’t let it show. Instead, she now looked around too, and frowned. “Where’s Heather? I need to punch her. And then thank her.”

Eret and Dagur shared another grin, just as Ruff began to cackle. “Oh, that was another bet,” she snickered. “As cute as you two are and as glad as we are that you finally made it, you weren’t the only ones pining mutually. Although, I don’t think Cami was actually pining for that long. Subtlety isn’t really her thing...”

Astrid seemed genuinely baffled as she looked from one to the other. “Cami and… and Heather? Really?” Her eyes met Hiccup’s, but he just shrugged. That didn’t come as that much of a surprise for him. Ruff was right, after all; by no means could anyone call Cami subtle.

“Yep, really,” Dagur chirped, clearly approving of his sister’s choice. “After Hic bolted out of here like a madman, Cami didn’t really waste much time.”

“No, certainly not,” Ruff agreed. “They left not much later, after Scott here—” she indicated toward a very drunk Scott who didn’t seem to register much of his surroundings anymore, “—commented on how their behaviour wasn’t very public-friendly and that he quite liked the show.”

“I…” Astrid began, obviously still a little stunned by this revelation. She peeked up at Hiccup, cheeks burning. “That makes my incorrect assumption all the more stupid, right?” She asked sheepishly. Judging by the looks they got from everyone around, they had no idea what she was talking about, but Hiccup thought it best not to dwell on it anyway.

“Doesn’t really matter anymore,” he said, shrugging, which earned him a grateful smile from the blond Valkyrie who still held his hand. Even now, he still could hardly grasp how that had happened.

“Okay… how about we see what’s left of the food? Because I’m pretty hungry, and I don’t think I want to stop dancing once we started.”

Hiccup nodded at her suggestion. It sounded like an excellent plan.

. o O o .

Hours later, Hiccup still could hardly comprehend how he’d ended up here, holding Astrid in his arms and swaying with her in time with the last chords of the music. They had danced properly earlier in the night, so Cami’s lessons and the whole misunderstanding hadn’t been for nothing. But by now, her head rested comfortably on his shoulder, his cheek on her hair, and their arms were wrapped around each other’s bodies as they simply enjoyed their closeness.

His leg was aching after being up and about nearly all day, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything, didn’t care, accepted the pain gladly as stopping to dance would properly mean to leave and say goodbye. Because no matter how many insinuating comments their friends had made over the course of the night, he didn’t intend to spend the night with her. What he wanted was a proper relationship with the girl of his dreams, and he wouldn’t rush and ruin it.

But eventually, the night had to come to an end. Eret and Dagur were long gone already, and Ruff and Tuff had dragged a pretty much knocked out Scott toward a taxi, discussing what weird story they were going to tell him in the morning or whether simply drawing stuff onto his face with a permanent marker was enough fun already. Both he and Astrid chuckled at their ideas, then she threw him a regretful smile.

“I think we ought to leave too,” she said, eyes cast to her other hand resting on his chest. “Will you drive me back home, or should I see whether I can catch a taxi? It’s… not exactly on your way.”

Hiccup took her comment as the subtle hint that it was, driving her home, but not staying. He nodded. “Of course I’ll drive you home.”

Once back at her uncle’s house, he stowed away the spare helmet back into its compartment, then simply placed his own on the seat as he escorted her to the door. She definitely noticed it, threw him a smile, then once again took his hand and leaned against him for the short walk toward the entrance door. When they reached it, she hesitated for a second, then quickly stretched and placed a peck on his cheek. “Thank you.”

Slightly stunned by the renewed and very welcome contact, Hiccup could barely do anything but grin like a lunatic. “What for?” he asked. If anything, he was the one who ought to thank her, after all. For making this dream come true.

“For not giving up, even when I was such an idiot and didn’t even bother to call our date off. For explaining, for putting up with me, for making this day so wonderful after all, for…” she trailed off, biting her lip as she glanced up at him. All of a sudden, her gaze was weirdly intense. There was a fire in them that made Hiccup’s breath hitch. But before he could react in any way, she reached for the collar of his shirt and hauled him down to kiss him once more.

On the lips.

With her hands buried in his hair.

With a low groan, he gave in to her demanding mouth, her tongue stroking his before he could even comprehend what was happening. His hands curled around her waist and back on reflex, pulling her closer as their kiss intensified. Her low moan could more be felt than heard, rumbling through both their bodies, the screech of an owl in one of the nearby trees the only noise as they thoroughly explored each other’s mouths.

When they parted, Hiccup was dizzy with lack of oxygen and his head filled with her. Slowly, he opened his eyes again to look at her, the gleam in her eyes even visible in the near darkness of the night.

“And that was for everything else,” she murmured, oddly shyly smiling up at him.

“I… I could get used to that,” he muttered stupidly, but she didn’t seem to mind, her smile growing a few shades brighter.

“Good night, Hiccup,” she whispered, and stepped away from him, slowly yet far too soon.

“Good night, Astrid,” he replied. “See you soon.”

Once again, she flashed him a brilliant smile before the door eventually closed behind her. Hiccup took a moment to gaze at where she’d disappeared, then return to his bike.

On his way back home, he felt lighter than ever before, and once he lay in his bed, he contemplated for a moment to text his friends, to thank them. Cami for her incredible help, and Justin for convincing him to ask for that help in the first place. But Justin would be long asleep, and Cami… Well, Cami surely was otherwise occupied too.

Chuckling quietly to himself, he let himself drift off into slumber, looking forward to seeing Astrid again soon, as more than just a friend now, and dreaming about a future with her at his side.

. o O o .

There, it's done. :) I hope you enjoyed this silly little story, I certainly enjoyed writing it.

But now, here's a question: There's one epilogue to this story, but it's not completely written yet. The question is now: Should I leave it a T-rated epilogue or turn it full M-rated? Or do two versions and do both? What would you prefer?

Anyway, I'd be very grateful for feedback ;)

(Link to the full story in a reblog)

[johnnymundano]

Slasher Season 1: The Executioner (2016)

Directed by Craig David Wallace

Written by Aaron Martin

Music by Shawn Pierce

Country: Canada

Language: English

8 Episodes of around 46 – 53 minutes each

CAST

Katie McGrath as Sarah Bennett

Brandon Jay McLaren as Dylan Bennett

Steve Byers as Cam Henry

Patrick Garrow as Tom Winston

Dean McDermott as Iain Vaughn

Christopher Jacot as Robin Turner

Wendy Crewson as Brenda Merrit

Jessica Sipos as June Henry

Mary Walsh as Verna McBride

Enuka Okuma as Lisa Ann Follows

Erin Karpluk as Heather Peterson

Mayko Nguyen as Alison Sutherland

Rob Stewart as Alan Henry

Jefferson Brown as Trent McBride

Mark Ghanimé as Justin Faysal

Dylan Taylor as Bryan Ingram

Alysa King as Rachel Ingram

Victoria Snow as Sonja Edwards

Hannah Endicott-Douglas as Ariel Peterson

Shawn Ahmed as Sharma

Booth Savage as Ronald Edwards

Susannah Hoffman as Marjorie Travers

(Guilty Party: I took the images from IMDB because I can’t screengrab over 8 hours and besides, my dog told me to.)

Slasher: The Executioner is a Canadian TV series about, um, slashers and all that slasher stuff. Bogling about The Internet I discovered that the creator, one Aaron Martin by name, has wisely opted for an anthology format, whereby each season (two at present) is a complete storyline. Apparently there is connective tissue between each season  to engender a feel of them taking place in the same Slasher Universe; which is like the Marvel®©™ Universe but with less quips and more mom porn and severed hands. I say “apparently” because I haven’t seen the second season (Slasher: Guilty Party (2017)) I have seen the first season though and that definitely has more mom porn and severed hands than the Marvel®©™ Cinematic Universe.

Now, if you’re reading this thing which is about a TV show called Slasher, then you might think you like slasher movies, but do you like slasher movies enough to watch what is effectively a 7 hour and change slasher movie? Do you? Huh? Huh? That’s a normal working day right there. You are right to be hesitant, as that doesn’t sound like it would work, at least not as entertainment, maybe as a kind of torture. The usual slasher movie is a timidly formulaic creature, so we can characterise the average slasher movie as starting with a brief kill, then some flopping bonelessly about with a solid hour of “meet the characters”, then 40 minutes or so of mayhem, climaxing with a one on one slobberknocker. Stick to that formula for 8 episodes and you’d end up (NB: the maths is a bit loose here) with an exciting first episode, 5.5 episodes of dishwater dull soap-operatics and then an insanely violent final 1.5 episodes. That would of course be stupid, which is one of roughly a billion reasons why they didn’t ask me to make it. No, they asked Aaron Martin and the Slasher gods should be thankful that Aaron Martin knew what to do.

A nagging sense of fairness demands I should pause to note that hundreds of people were involved in the making of Slasher: The Executioner, but it’s accepted shorthand to say “Aaron Martin…” So, “Aaron Martin” made a long-ass slasher movie, but realising this was a marathon and not a sprint, structured each episode so that it worked within the larger narrative framework. It’s an approach familiar to anyone who read mainstream comics back when they had actual stories (rather than today’s unending conversations punctuated by punching; Calm down, Cochise, I’m not saying they were better back then (most of anything is shit after all), I’m just saying they were different). In effect then, for all the none old timey comics fans: in Slasher: The Executioner the uberplot chugs along while various subplots intertwine beneath it breeding red herrings, developing character and basically raising the stakes until uber and under finally intertwine in a climactic crescendo. Oh, and there is at least one kill every episode to keep your unhealthy interest piqued. Got to have those sweet, sweet kills. It is called Slasher after all, not Magic Picnic Time With The Dancing Rainbow Babies. Those dismissive of the slasher movie (Hi, mom!) often underestimate the variety of slasher movies; they aren’t all set in a holiday camp for randy morons on Prom Night one Halloween which is coincidentally, and impossibly, also Friday the 13th. No, there is also Cherry Falls (2000) and, oh, My Bloody Valentine (2009) and, er, anyway, probably some others. This type being The Small Town Terrorised by Its Past slasher, as it is more commonly known. This is the template which Slasher: The Executioner favours most. (The Internet Elves tell me Slasher: Guilty Party riffs on The Holiday Death Camp template).

Events kick off with the present day return of pleasant, newlywed young artist Sarah Bennett (née Ingram) to Waterbury, where she was born on Halloween night in 1988, when a masked killer cut her from the womb of her mother, Rachel. Rachel’s husband, Bryan, had died about ten seconds earlier from a frenzied knife-torso interaction, leaving nobody to hand out candy to the trick or treaters except the killer, The Executioner, who docilely awaited the police cradling the bloody new-born in his arms. It’s fair to say Sarah has issues with Waterbury, and as her arrival coincides with  the start of a spate of copycat Executioner killings, Waterbury has issues with Sarah. And it’s this business that occupies your eyes and ears for the bulk of the 8 episodes. I mean, that was some spoilertastic stuff back there, yeah? But get this…that was only the opening 10 minutes; there’s plenty of unspoiled stuff and, hey, maybe those first 10 minutes I just got spoil all over aren’t all as they initially appear? That is a distinct possibility. Yes it is.

What then unfolds over the televisually paced course of Slasher: The Executioner’s 8 episodes is slashtastically fun stuff. Pretty much everything you expect in a slasher movie happens, because that predictability is part of the fun of a slasher movie. Crucially, however, some stuff you don’t expect to happen in a slasher movie also happens, which is part of the fun of a good slasher movie. A good slasher movie has to both cater to and exceed expectations, and Slasher: the Executioner is a pretty good slasher movie despite its arse-numbing running time.  But then only a glutton would gulp it down one go; Slasher: The Executioner is most rewarding when taken episodically; which is kind of why they made it like that, I guess. With a gap between each episode you can ruminate and ratiocinate in an attempt to understand the motivations, unearth the clues and unmask the killer. Although, good luck with that; the identity of the killer may be easy to guess (it’s [Redacted]!) but it’s a lot less easy to back it up with clues and evidence. It’s more a case of “It’s [Redacted]” because it has to be, rather than you have been perceptive enough to amass an evidence trail suitable for a Court of Law. But then slasher maniacs rarely see the inside of a Court of Law, so going with your gut is okay in this context.

The cast though? I mean, you’re going to be spending a lot of time with these people and given the nature of the beast some of them are going to have to surprise you with who they really turn out to be. Happily, everyone in Slasher: The Executioner is far better at this acting lark than the usual cast of a slasher movie. It probably helps that unlike most slasher movies the cast is portraying adults rather than the more usual teenagers. Feeelingzzzz aside, adult life is a lot more complex than teenage life, so there’s a lot more scope for surprise behaviour wise. And adults by definition have lived longer than teenagers so they have an actual past which could, maybe, be full of misdeeds and tragedy. That kind of thing would be pretty helpful were you trying to fill about 8 hours of screentime, yeah? Yeah, it totally would. As Sarah, Katie McGrath is maybe a bit of a milksop but this, to be fair, pays off later with a major change in attitude, and also in her defence she is mostly on the backfoot as surprises and violence tend to single her out. And she certainly rallies herself with an impressively sad ferocity come the bloody climax. Brandon Jay McLaren as her life partner convinces as a man too nice to be true, but who just might come through. The killer is great and clearly having a fun time, but their performance becomes a real humdinger once the reveal hits and the pretence can be dropped (in front of the viewer at least). Lots of actors, lots of performances and all of them are lots of fun. Some are more fun than others, but saying more would splash spoil all over the place. In a town this big there might be more than one mystery, is all i’m saying.

Slasher: The Executioner is overwrought, it’s daft, it’s violent, it’s rarely dull and it successfully stretches your suspension of disbelief like so much Silly Putty. Pretty much a dreamy slasher experience all in all. Of course many a long form TV show comes a cropper when it has to deliver a definite ending. But rest easy, the end of Slasher: The Executioner doesn’t reveal everyone is dead, and, no, it wasn’t all a dream. The stakes are high ending wise; after nearly 8 hours Slasher needed to deliver a faceslap of an ending, and while the mechanics of what happen are hardly brain meltingly original, the psychological darkness of it was a bleak delight. In short the ending to Slasher: The Executioner is a TV win: it doesn’t make you wish you hadn’t bothered. As long as you came expecting a slasher, that is. The clue’s in the title after all.

[woahhaleigh]

Heathers UK Cast Recording Review (From A Retired Veronica Sawyer’s Perspective)

If you are new to my blog, hi! I’m Haleigh and I am an actress local to Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas. I had the utmost pleasure of playing Veronica Sawyer last summer in Plano, Texas. Veronica was an absolute dream role of mine. I feel so honored every day that I was chosen to tell that story. The show holds an extra special place in my heart because a little bit after the show closed, I started to date the wonderfully talented man who played my JD. So, Heathers holds a dear place in both of our hearts. We have spent a few evenings listening to the UK Cast Recording and gathering our thoughts on it.

I need to preface a few things. 1. I am a huge Carrie Hope Fletcher fan. So I am absolutely biased. Not sorry. 2. As a whole, I think my experience as Veronica would have been immensely easier if this album had been out for me to study and work with. The only Veronica when my show went up was the lovely Barrett Wilbert Weed. Anyone who has ever had the pleasure of playing this iconic role knows that it is insanely difficult to live up to such talent as hers. Carrie made the role seem a bit more human and her vocals, while still insanely difficult, were much more achievable. 3. I go on a few tangents about my experience as Veronica. We just celebrated the year anniversary since the first rehearsal. Your girl got a bit nostalgic. 4. Thank you for coming to my little corner of the internet. Let’s listen to the Heathers UK Album!

⬇ Keep Reading ⬇

Beautiful: I can hear the accents. I can hear them holy moly. It’s okay, Haleigh. Phew. I will say I could hear a distinct difference in the orchestration? It doesn’t feel quite so cutthroat and edgy as the Off-Broadway album. It really does sound more musical theatre. Which I truly enjoy. I like that it sounds like a completely different show. I’m not one for a carbon copy of something else. 

Candy Store: Okay, Jodie Steele is everything I never knew I needed?? This rendition is wonderful.

Fight For Me: Woah, this key change is everything! This song was really daunting to learn. And I seriously adore the changes in this album. This song was my favorite to sing. I hope they release the updated score for us on other sides of the globe to use for our books!

Freeze Your Brain: So I can hear Jamie Muscato’s every single syllable. Which is great for the pronunciation of his American accent. However, it was a bit jolting the first time through the cast album. Now that I’ve gone through a few times, I don’t notice it quite as much. Perhaps it’s just the recording and not him live. Such a gorgeoussss voice, nevertheless. 

Big Fun: The lyric changes were jolting at first, as well. Still takes a lot of time to get used to. Also, they took out the verse about “let’s use their showers. That sounds like big fun”. Don’t expect to be able to sing along with this one first time around. I do love that Heather Macnamara gets the line about “First it’s salt and then lime and thennnn shot!” like it was in the script when I did the show! 

Dead Girl Walking: Such a win, guys. The amount of fever dreams I had about this song is damn near embarrassing. I will say it again, if this album had been out when I did this role, it wouldn’t have been nearly as terrifying. Carrie’s belts were absolutely gorgeous!

Me Inside Of Me: Ugh, my least favorite song in the show. I will say, Jodie Steele, sounds absolutely stunning, though. Even more so than Candy Store. I can hear her bitchiness just in the audio. I wonder how chilling her performance was in person!

You’re Welcome: Unpopular opinion time; I dislike everything about this song. I’ve listened to it once and skip it every time I listen through the album. While Blue from the Off-Broadway album (if done wrong) can be just as predatory as this song, I’ve mainly seen it done silly and more comedic. You're Welcome is just plain scary, in my humble opinion. The vocals are undeniably stunning. Kurt and Ram are immensely talented. However, I just don’t feel like this was a good replacement for Blue. I feel this song is just scary and triggering. Especially for someone who has been in Veronica’s shoes before. While I respect that the writers prefer this song to Blue, I strongly stand behind my opinion on this song. 

Never Shut Up Again: I feel like this song is along the same lines as Dead Gay Son. It has a beautiful upbeat vibe to it. I’ve heard a lot of people say that it doesn’t sound like it belongs or flows. I completely disagree. Heather Duke deserved a solo. And T-Shan Williams absolutely slays this song. I also appreciate that they did a little nod to the Blue Reprise in here. This song will be a fan favorite if it gets released with the rights worldwide. 

Our Love Is God: Ah one of my most favorite songs to perform when I did this show. This song lives up to the outrageously high expectations I had for it. Brought massive tears to my eyes as I listened and replayed performing this scene in my head. I can only imagine how wonderful the performances were in person. 

Dead Gay Son: A song that is usually a skip for me. The vocals were lovely but this song is just better when you see the show live, in my opinion. 

Seventeen: Another song that had really high expectations. The vocals, the tone, the everything was truly wonderful. You could hear the love and the urgency behind both Carrie and Jamie’s voices. I was pleased when this song was released early. It was a great little taste to what a joy this cast album would be. 

Shine A Light: Less church-y than the Off-Broadway and more rock, I will say. Love Rebecca Lock’s choices with Fleming. She sounds so unapologetically her and it is truly a hilarious experience to listen to. (Funny story, James actually tripped and fell off a platform during our production of Heathers during this song. Just thought I’d share that with the world.)

Lifeboat: Sophie Issacs sure knows how to pull at your heartstrings with this one. It feels like there was a key change in this song too, I could be wrong, though. It also feels faster? I will say while her vocals are lovely since it does feel faster, the song doesn’t pack as much of a punch as it could have. 

Shine A Light Reprise: T’Shan is seriously terrifying. I loved the lyric and note changes for this one. Like man, that belt is too die for. 

I Say No: Added to my book and have already started to rehearse this so I can sing it at my first given opportunity. The lyrics to this song are really awesome. In the Off-Broadway show, I always was peeved that the musical took out my favorite quote from the movie “You know what I want? Cool guys like you out of my life.” And they included a bit of that in this song. As someone who is a huge fan of this movie, I was stoked when that was added in. From my understanding, this song happens after JD shoots the TV right after Veronica breaks up with him. (Correct me if my assumption is wrong!) James and I had discussed in the past how a song would have been awesome there. So, if that is where this song is, it just makes me that much happier. 

Kindergarten Boyfriend: Woah. I mean woahhhh. Those vocals are flawless. This is the only scene in the show where Veronica gets more than 30 seconds to be off stage. I always spent it listening to our Martha that evening sing her heart out. It is what got me into the mindset to cry during Meant To Be Yours. This rendition is so lovely and truly makes me cry every time I’ve listened to the album all the way through.

Yo Girl: So eerie and so haunting. I do prefer the Off-Broadway for this one. It felt more gut-wrenching. The lyrics changes, though, hit you right where it hurts. “what’s that brimstoney smell?” Ouch, guys. 

Meant To Be Yours: The differences are subtle between this and the Off-Broadway. I love Jamie’s performance. He truly sounds like he has lost his damn mind. And Ryan McCartan's JD sometime’s was really cartoony. (Still, absolutely adore him!!) My favorite performance from Jamie from this entire album. One character choice I really liked was the whisper of “No thanks”. So chilling. Okay, I’m crying while I’m listening to this. I gotta move to the next song. 

Dead Girl Walking Reprise: Carrie’s version is not quite as belt-y as Barrett’s. I always had to sing this after balling my eyes out and had to sniffle and belt this. I love that there is just as much power behind this version but not all the way sang up to the gods. It’s a much more achievable rendition for the average singer in a community theatre where this will get done more often. Again, Jamie for real sounds manic and I love every second of it. And I also looove that there’s an added “Don’t talk about my mom” and a “stop” lines in there. Every night when James and I sang this, he shot me a look like those were his thoughts, but I can’t say anything because she is singing and it’s not in the script. It’s really lovely to have that added bonus in here. 

I Am Damaged: These are the only lyrics changes I don’t agree with. I like how it was originally portrayed that JD may or may not be changing in this song. But either way, wow my heart hurts. That was so beautiful. Every night when I played Veronica, my interpretation of this song was probably quite different than most. I’d love to share that to someone other than James and a few members of the cast. When Veronica says “Say hi to God”, I always portrayed it as Veronica, despite all of the harm JD caused, truly believed he would still go to heaven. And it always got me to the depths of my core. 

Seventeen Reprise: The vocals and talent of this cast, my god. Just as beautiful as the Off-Broadway. Ugh, this is making me cry my eyes out, guys. 

There you have it guys. What did you think of this cast recording? If you haven’t listened to the album yet, you really should! Listen here.