#on happy side!! im cleaning me side blogs and found some old ideas in the drafts of my old tag names!

[makeitlookdecent]

im gonna just queue everything else lmao

[saturndivine]

Your Inner Child (4th House): Healing from Childhood Trauma

༄ؘ ۪۪۫۫ ▹◃ ۪۪۫۫ ༄ؘ ˑ༄ؘ ۪۪۫۫ ▹◃ ۪۪۫۫ ༄ؘ ˑ༄ؘ ۪۪۫۫ ▹◃ ۪۪۫۫ ༄ؘ ˑ༄ؘ ۪۪۫۫ ▹◃ ۪۪۫۫

The fourth house in Astrology deals with comfort, home, and family but it is also an important house angle known as the imum coeli or nadir. The nadir pairs with your childhood and points to your inner child and what might have harmed you growing up. You can use this house to heal from the trauma that tainted you. 

Aries on 4th: When it comes to holding this ferocious sign on such a gentle house, the native had a rough childhood growing up. They might have been known as the abrasive or aggressive ones and now hide that part of themselves because of it. They want to be seen as kind because they assume that is the only way to gain love. To honor your inner child, you must remember that your passion, your heart, is beautiful. You are made of resilience and there is no need to hide your power. 

Taurus on 4th: With Taurus on the fourth, these natives have deep wounds when it comes to feeling loved and appreciated for who they are. They often had to prove themselves early on and now think they have to give, give, give, to gain an ounce of love. Please remind yourselves that you are deserving of love because you are you and not because of what you do. To honor your inner child, release what does not serve you, and welcome those into your life who see you for all your beauty. 

Gemini on 4th: Oh how these children had the busiest minds and the most excitable hearts! Why do you cover this part of yourself now? Who told you to keep your voice suppressed? Your innocence is refreshing, the optimism you hold for the future astounds and inspires those around you, do you see your power? Often these natives are forced to “mature” their minds and are forcibly removed from their daydreams. To honor your inner child, make sure you take a dip into those daydreams and relax in the pool of your own mind. You hold so much mental power, release it. 

Cancer on 4th: You were put in the maternal role at quite an early age weren’t you? It is beautiful that you know how to take such good care of those around you but early on you missed out on how to take care of yourself! There may be issues when it comes to self-care and making sure you are putting yourself first as you ultimately deserve. You cannot take care of others if you are not okay. To honor your inner child, take some time to sit with yourself, how are you mothering your identity? Are you being kind to yourself? Treat yourself with tenderness, stop being so hard on yourself. 

Leo on 4th: It must have been so hard to have your light dimmed at such an early age. You were meant to shine out like the sun angel you are but you weren’t allowed that, forced to live in the shadows of others or circumstances or just life itself. You are worthy and you deserve to be as effervescent as you desire. None of your light should hide under a bushel. To honor your inner child try to find what makes you shine and dive into it. You have so much skill and your confidence should shine out and stimulate others, you are an influencer. 

Virgo on 4th: Were you allowed to authentically be yourself ever? It pains me how restricted you were when it comes to finding your identity, so much so, you may even search for it now. Your childhood, to put it bluntly, was a mess. And it was a mess you were in charge of cleaning up, so now you go about life cleaning up after everyone to fill some void in your soul left open from the wounds of your childhood. To honor your inner child, make sure you tell yourself you are not in charge of anyone but yourself. You only have to be mindful of your actions and that is all. 

Libra on 4th: You aren’t in charge of making everyone feel good about themselves. I know in the past, you were the peacemaker, the peacekeeper, everything runs smoothly under you because conflict is stressful and easily affects you and it’s just easier to take control but sometimes it’s okay to simply release. Not everyone can be saved and you are not in charge of saving everyone. To honor your inner child you have to learn to set boundaries and not take on others’ issues as your own. Your energy is precious, keep it protected. 

Scorpio on 4th: Out of all the signs on the 4th, I worry for you the most. You have deep repressed wounds that tend to fester because once you open up, you may be scared of getting more hurt in the process. Please do not fear the idea of vulnerability, people want to love you, people want to know you but they cannot unless you open up at least the smallest part of yourself, you are blocking yourself from beneficial opportunities. To honor your inner child, you have to learn to be vulnerable and find the power in vulnerability. You are lovable, let people fucking love you. 

Sagittarius on 4th: I think it’s very cute how you joke yourself out of the pain that stems from your childhood but there is no progress in simply skimming over your trauma with jokes, why not analyze it? The planet Jupiter urges you to dive into what has occurred in the past as it wants you to build into your new expansive and optimistic future but can only do so if you stop fearing what has been. To honor your inner child you must welcome what is to come by dealing with the past by analyzing and embracing it. 

Capricorn on 4th: You have been old ever since you left the womb! You came out with responsibility and simply took it and kept running and running with it. You haven’t really ever taken a break, have you? It’s simply been go, go, go. So much so you missed out on your childhood completely! That sucks! However it is not too late to get your childhood back and I hope you know that. To honor your inner child, simply be a child. Whatever that looks like, go on a swing, eat ice cream at 10 a.m., dance in the rain! Give yourself that childhood pleasure. 

Aquarius on 4th: You were shamed out of being yourself for quite some time, forced to hide a part of you that yearns to shine, your eccentric and individualistic side that makes your own rules and follows them as well, and now have to find out how to navigate this part of yourself without overwhelming yourself with the possibilities of you are and who you can become. To honor your inner child, do what makes your heart happy. Im so serious, don’t think, just do, be impulsive! No more shame, only embracement. 

Pisces on 4th: You had such intense dreams early on, you dreamt of your future and your life and were forced to come back down to earth earlier than you like, yet your power is found in your subconscious, and to be stripped of that connection could have easily sent you down a dark path of unawareness when it comes to authentically knowing yourself. Now you have to search for something to fill the hole in your being. To honor your inner child, relax into your subconscious and find out what you ultimately desire from the life before you. Figure out what fills that hole.

Link to Website [Services, Blog, & More!]

[calmlftv]

safe. - a.i.

description: covid-19, also known as “the zombie virus,” claimed hundreds of thousands of victims in 2018, and while it all seemed to be going great, something much darker was hiding within research facilities across the nation. 

word count: exactly 4,001

warnings: descriptions of graphic imagery, blood, injuries, feelings of hopelessness. 

w/n: this is my first fic for the 5sos writers collab! i’m so excited to participate in this, i always love reading the fics that come out from this and im so happy i get to be part of it! my prompt for this was zombie apocalypse au so i hope i did it justice! 

taglist: @spicycal @n-ctarinenga @irwinkitten @castaway-cashton @blackbutterfliescal @ashtonsos @loveroflrh @bestyearssos​ @treatallwithkindness @bestyearslftv​ @another-lonely-heart-blog​

****

It’s been 730 days. 

That’s 24 months since the world went to shit. 

Two years since the haunting screams have driven you to nightmares and panic attacks, something you had never had to deal with in the Before. 

That’s all it was now. The Before. The time before the virus contaminated the body, before the monsters smashed into your home and tore your family apart. 

Before all of that. Before, you were a nice person. In the Before, you were having the time of your life. But now? 

Now you’re miserable. 

With a gasp you awoke again, chest heaving as your mind raced. Your palms were pressed against the cold wooden floor of the house you had cleared, eyes quickly darting between all means of entry as you assessed your surroundings. Only when you saw the makeshift barricades you had created did you begin to calm down, your eyes squeezing shut as you pulled your knees against your chest. 

I fucking hate it here. 

Moments passed until you were able to open your eyes again, your vision blurry as you scrambled up to your feet. The old and ragged coat you had been using as a blanket was bunched up in your hand, the old and rotting pillow you had used being kicked to the side as you quickly found the mass that is your backpack. You stumbled through the house, making all kinds of noise as you made it to the closest counter, a shaking hand already reaching up to open the two cabinets above. 

Empty. 

Just like the other ones. 

The dust on the shelves made your stomach hurt, determination already slumping your body as you pushed off the counter and headed towards the door. You knew it was no use to search the rest of the house for food; you had been hiding in this shithole for 14 hours, and if your searches yielded no results by now, you might as well move on.

Carefully you pried pieces of dusty and damp furniture away from the back door of the home, your foot landing on a shattered picture frame on the floor just as you cleared the doorway. You yelped, leaping away from the frame as your eyes landed on it. Captured within the frame was a beautiful blonde woman, curly hair down to her waist and a jungle green dress hugging her body as her hands rested on her rather large belly. In front of her knelt a man with shaggy brown hair, his lips pressed against her belly as she beamed with joy, the two of them so obviously in love with their bundle of joy that it could have made you sick. 

Feeling empty you tore your eyes away, the lack of blood on your foot propelling you forward and out the old, creaky door. You started off slow, like always, watching your footsteps and listening intently as you ignored everything your body was telling you; the aches in your knees and tightness in your jaw could wait; your life depended on it, after all. 

After a few miles you picked up the pace, your vision blurring slightly as you moved faster. Despite the pain that was now in your stomach you pushed on, determined to find some sort of shelter before you passed out, your weak muscles and body screaming at you with every step and breath. 

You’re not entirely certain how far you made it before you heard the near-silent steps nearby, just out of sight on your left. You sluggishly turned around, quickly trying to wipe the fog from your eyes as you tried to find the creature that stalked behind you. 

Much to your surprise a figure appeared, a gentleman peeking around a tree with dark hair. Fear struck you quickly as you backed away, almost immediately tripping over a large branch and landing on your ass as the figure stepped closer, now coming out from his hiding spot as you tried so hard to scramble away. 

“Hey, hey, wait,” he said gently, the voice jarring to you. 

Another human? You thought, shock freezing you in place. But how-

A grunt followed by a bone chilling moan came from the right, your head snapping in that direction. To your surprise, the man quickly got closer and extended his hand, carefully taking you by the arm and hoisting you up easily just as another man appeared from the direction of the sound. 

Another normal, human man, brown hair pulled back into a bun.

“There’s a horde on the way,” he stated, jerking a thumb behind him as his eyes took you in. “We’ve gotta go, Ash.” 

“Alright, Logan, but we’re taking in a stray.” 

The man stared at you and nodded, a silent agreement you had no idea of happening as the first man - Ash - carefully spun you around and guided you forward, footsteps falling in sync between the three of you as the strangers guided you onwards. 

The trees were closing in on you as you gripped Ash’s arm, knees trying to buckle underneath you from pure exhaustion and pain. The man chuckled and soon another hand was on you, the two men hoisting you up and quickly carrying you away. 

***

“Whoa-!” A woman said, strong hands immediately trying to push you down as you struggled against them. 

“Who the fuck-” you started, panic filling you now as you bit down on the side of a hand. A yelp came from the stranger and the hands were gone, your mind racing as a woman knelt beside you. 

“-shh, little love, it’s okay. You’re safe now,” she soothed, hand running in circles along your back as you focused on her voice. It was soft and gentle, the voice a stark difference to the harsh grinding in your mind. 

Safe?

Your eyes landing on her, finally taking her in as she gave you a soft smile. “Hey there,” she said kindly, tone gentle and soothing. “Sorry to have given you a fright, Devyn’s just so used to dealing with...rougher patients.” 

Her eyes guided you to the other side of the room where a young man stood at the sink, glaring at you while he seemed to nurse his bitten hand. 

The woman chuckled, gaining your attention once again. “My name’s Tabitha, but most people ‘round here call me Tabby,” she said, gently taking your hand and turning it over. Her fingers carefully pressed against the inside of your wrist, your pulse pounding against her skin. “And you, little stray, are very much alive.” 

You blinked, Tabby’s eyes taking in your face. 

“Where am I?” 

Your voice was hoarse and broken, vocal chords seeming to ache as they were used again. 

Tabby smiled. “You’re in our Community,” she said sweetly, gesturing vaguely to the room around you. “It’s a bit shabby, but not the worst place to be. It’s a safe place for people to be, little stray, I promise.” 

“M’not a stray,” you mumbled, your voice slightly stronger but not by much.

Your exam went by fairly quickly, Tabby settling you back into your bed as soon as possible before she excused herself. Once you were laying back against the pillow Devyn popped back over, quietly and carefully adjusting some things as you watched. He glanced at you and nodded, seeming to have gotten over your first impression, before he turned around and left the room. 

Once you were alone you finally, truly relaxed, sighing as you carefully sat yourself up. You were able to take in the room, looking around at the chipping paint on the walls and the bits of dust floating in the air around the only window to your left, the light reflecting gracefully as the particles moved within it. Desperate for some light you started to stand, legs shaking as you tried to make your way to the window. 

“Hey hey, what are you doing?”

The new voice startled you, adrenaline flooding your veins as you spun around. You grabbed the nearest object that could be used as a weapon and held it in front of you, ready to fight for your life if need be. 

The man who found you in the woods stood in the doorway with his hands up, a single dark curl falling over his forehead as he stood perfectly still. 

“Hey,” he said calmly, voice soft and warm. “It’s alright, I’m not here to hurt you. We’ve already sort of met, remember? In the woods?” 

As he spoke the memory came flooding back to you and you dropped the weapon, a blush settling on your cheeks as you tried to find the right words to apologize. 

He chuckled, dropping his hands and stepping in. “Someone’s a bit jumpy, hm?” He teased, obviously trying to calm you down. He glanced at your empty bed before looking back at you. “And a bit eager to explore.” 

You cleared your thoughts and nodded a bit, still hesitant to trust him too much. “Just wanted to see outside, sir,” you admitted. “Maybe feel some sun if I’m lucky.” 

The man watched you and nodded, his hands going into the pockets of his jeans. He had on a simple black t-shirt that seemed clean, something that was a foreign concept to you these days. “Well I’d definitely say you’re lucky. You barely made it to the gates of the community before you passed out, I had to have Logan carry you in.” 

The blush returned, causing him to laugh. “It’s okay, you’re in good hands here. Tabby was a doctor before all this happened, and she’s taught Devyn everything she knows.” 

You nodded. “Tabby seems nice,” you said, feeling a bit safer again. “I, uh, kinda bit Devyn on accident, so I don’t know if he likes me.” 

When you met his eyes he was containing a laugh, ultimately failing as you moved back towards your bed. “You bit him!” He chuckled, calming down a bit. “Well, once you’ve got your strength back, I’m sure we’ll have a hell of a fighter on our hands.” 

You smiled, chuckling a bit. “Not sure how much help I’ll be until then,” you said, sighing again. 

The man moved closer, sitting on the edge of your bed. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” he said softly, flashing a reassuring smile. “Start out with the easy tasks, and work your way up when you’re feeling better.” He ducked his head down, catching your eyes and smiling again. “Sound like a plan?” 

You met his eyes and nodded, the hazel color full of so much warmth that you couldn’t help but believe him. Somehow, despite being on your own for two years, it was easy to trust him; it was easy to let the fear melt away. 

He grinned, reaching to squeeze your shoulder until you jerked away. Maybe you weren’t ready to trust him too much. “We’ll work on that,” he said kindly, nodding and standing up. “I’ll check in this evening around dinner, okay? Maybe bring by a surprise, for our Lucky Stray.” 

You both nodded to each other before he headed towards the door. You quickly remembered something and stood again. 

“Wait,” you said, the man turning around in the doorway. “What’s your name?” 

He smiled. “Ashton,” he said simply. “M’name’s Ashton.” 

You nodded, the man repeating the action before he grabbed the doorknob and stepped out.The door closed softly behind him, the silence making your ears ring as you stared at the window again. 

This is a hell of a place, you thought, settling back against the bed once again. A blanket was draped at the end of the mattress but you curled up without it, the previous rush of adrenaline in your system keeping you warm as you closed your eyes. 

Maybe I’ll stick around for a while, you accepted, your exhausted mind already starting to settle into sleep. Where it’s safe. 

For now. 

****

Over time you were able to recover, your days filled with visits from Ashton and other members of the community. The visits you were always most excited for were Ashton’s, the length of them going from a couple minutes every couple of days to a few hours every single day. Sometimes he’d bring in whatever work had to do and set up a table next to you, teaching you the different jobs within the community from cleaning weapons to childcare to anything else that may need to be done. While you absolutely adored being able to learn about the community more and more, you enjoyed your time with Ash a bit more, the two of you building a strong bond that made recovery easier. It certainly helped that your heart would skip a few beats every time you saw him, his winning smile and wonderful laughter having their calming effect on you. 

Before you knew it you were moved to your own room, a window looking east over the woods bringing you peace on the mornings you awoke in a panic. Though the things that lurk in the darkness between the trees terrified you, the peace that the air carried would blanket around you enough to calm your racing heart. 

The community had slowly become your home, the sights and sounds of the people and the work to be done settling you into a new, welcoming routine that felt like fresh air after the suffocating two years you had been through. All was well and perfect in the months that passed, and as you and Ashton continued to steal glances and flirty smiles, you finally felt normal again. 

Until the day that it changed. 

Day 1,095. Three years since history was changed forever. 

Your normal nightmare was terrorizing your mind again, your body tossing and turning in the restless sleep you had to endure before the dawn of a new day could wake you. This time, however, it felt urgent, more panicked than it had before; the screaming was closer, somehow, the footsteps of your loved ones echoing desperately around you as your mind spun it’s twisted tale. You did everything you could to escape it all but felt the cold hand wrap around your mouth, covering your screams as you tried to launch yourself away. 

“Wake up!” 

You jumped at the sudden voice, the sound shattering the terrifying images that flashed within your mind. You tried to lurch out of bed but a heavy weight stopped you, the hand from your nightmare becoming real as you fought to get up. 

“Stop-” the voice said, the word turning into a grunt as a blow landed against a solid chest. Your eyes began to focus as the voice came again, messy dark hair and hazel eyes finally coming into view.

“Stop fighting,” Ashton asked, voice barely above a whisper as he kept you quiet. You met his eyes and he held a finger to his lips, his other hand still covering your mouth as he paused. 

After a moment he nodded and moved, taking your hand to help you up from the bed. “We have to go,” he said softly, with urgency in his voice. “Do you need to grab anything?”

You stopped, your brain stuck on his first request. “Go?” You asked, voice louder than you anticipated as Ashton quickly covered your mouth again. 

After another moment he pulled away, hands resting on your shoulders. “We don’t have a lot of time,” he started, “but I’ll make it quick. We’re being raided, and we have to go. Right now.” 

Your mind started spinning again, the new information feeling impossible to process as Ashton took your hand again, obviously taking your silence as his cue to start leaving. He led you to the closed door of your room, pressing against the wall as he slowly opened it enough to peek outside. 

Your mind snapped to attention at the sound of a distant shout. “Tabby-” 

“-is already gone with Logan,” he assured you, looking back at you. “They’re getting everybody else out. I wanted to come for you.” 

The gesture was sweet, and while it wasn’t lost on you, your mind now focused solely on getting the hell out of there as more yelling started on the other side of the community, followed by harsh crashing. 

“Okay, let’s go,” Ashton said suddenly, hand tightening around yours as he dashed out of your space and dragged you along. Your steps eventually synchronized, the two of you quietly avoiding detection as you tried to loop around to where everybody else was supposed to be. 

As soon as you got close enough a loud bang echoed through you, chilling you to the bone as a warm liquid started to trickle down your neck. Within seconds you were being dragged along again, adrenaline giving you strength as Ashton started running. Your mind became cloudy as your body fell into autopilot, the distant sounds of your own footsteps not even feeling real as you carefully made your way through the forest. 

Ashton kept the pace, only slowing down as the trees got more and more dense, the path he was taking you down becoming harder to safely navigate as you escaped the home you thought was safe. The questions started racing through your head, each one leaving you more and more confused and frustrated than the last. 

While lost in your thoughts your feet collided with a fallen branch, seemingly taking you by surprise as you tripped over it. You tried to catch yourself but failed miserably, your legs giving out from pure exhaustion as your ribs and jaw met the dirt and debris you had previously been running through. 

Ashton stopped the second your hand left his, spinning around just in time to watch you land on the ground. He quickly came to your side, kneeling beside you and helping you slowly sit up.

“Alright?” He asked softly, eyes meeting yours as you nodded. He looked around, pausing as he heard the unmistakable shuffling of a zombie. He quickly quieted you and helped you stand, leading you in the opposite direction of the sound as the smell invaded your nostrils, turning your stomach over in protest as you forced yourself to move. 

The new path was a large loop, the sound and smell making your heart race. At one point you caught a glimpse of it, the flesh blackened and decaying, exposed bits of muscle staring at you as you held in the contents of your stomach. 

Ashton tugged you further, slowly and carefully until you finally broke through into a clearing. He helped you sit and started to walk the edges of the small space you now inhabited, checking the trees until circling back to kneel in front of you. 

“Alright, we’re about a half mile away from the meeting point,” he said, meeting your eyes. “The others will be taking a longer route in case the raiders followed them, so it’ll just be us for a day or two.” 

You nodded to his words, wincing at the sudden pain in your right ear. His brow furrowed as you reached up, fingertips barely touching it before you hissed. 

He was suddenly very close to you, turning your head and carefully inspecting the injury. He chuckled. “They nicked you real good back there,” he stated, your head jerking away as his fingers got too close. “Sorry. We need to get you to the point, get you bandaged up.” 

All you could do was nod, your mind still racing from everything that had happened. It was all too fast, too overwhelming and hard to process; you had just been sleeping in the safest place you knew of, finally finding somewhere that feels like home, just to have it all ripped away from you just as suddenly. It gave you whiplash, and quite frankly, it was enough to drive you to the edge of your sanity. 

You just wanted one good thing to stay good. Was that really too much to ask?

The two of you were quiet during the rest of your break, the silence only breaking when Ash said it was time to move. Despite the two of you being out of immediate danger he still took your hand, the two of you making your way to this meeting point he had mentioned. 

When you arrived you didn’t even see anything at first; the entrance was in the ground and heavily guarded by plants and fallen logs, Ashton brushing it all away before tugging open the heavy metal door. Inside was a ladder, Ash gesturing for you to go down first. Despite everything aching and screaming for you to stop, you obeyed, climbing down the ladder first as Ashton followed you and sealed the two of you in. 

According to Ashton a member of the community had found this old bunker while hunting one day, the man literally stumbling upon it and finding his way inside. When Ash and the others caught up to him they decided to keep it hidden, only telling a few others about its existence for situations just like this. 

“So what happens with it when we don’t need to hide in it?” You asked, venturing to what seemed like a bedroom with a single bed in the middle of it.

Ashton chuckled. “Nothing,” he answered, following you and leaning against the doorway. “It just sits here, really, until we have a use for it.” 

You sat on the edge of the bed, eyes taking in the concrete around you as Ashton moved towards you, his eyes locked on you. 

“You should get some sleep,” he stated, holding up a hand before you could protest. “It’s obvious you’re exhausted, love, and I know you’ve got to be in pain.” 

You dropped your eyes. “I’m fine, Ashton.”

“Don’t lie to me.” 

The tone in his voice made you look up, meeting his eyes again. “M’not lying. I’m fine.” 

He sighed, moving back towards the door. “Fine. But I’m cleaning up your ear.” 

Before you could protest he was gone, only coming back once he had found a first aid kit. You huffed but let him take care of you, hissing as he cleaned your wound and wrapped it with a bandage and gauze.

“There,” he said, sitting back and cleaning up the mess. “Once Tabby gets here she’ll really get that fixed up for ya.” 

You nodded, his voice sounding far away as the bandage muffled him. He tossed the kit on the ground beside the bed, the two of you sitting in silence. 

“What are we going to do now?” You asked softly, your mind still thinking of the home you had lost. 

He shrugged. “We’ll start over,” he answered, his voice just as soft. “Find a new place for everybody. Build new defenses. Maybe start planting our own crops, even.” 

You looked over at him, chuckling a bit. “Alright, Farmer Ash,” you teased, the man laughing lightly. You both fell silent until you found the courage to speak again. “Maybe I am tired.” 

He chuckled and looked at you, gesturing for you to lay down against the pillows. “Get some rest, then,” he said, standing and moving towards the door. 

“Wait,” you said, the man pausing and turning towards you. “Stay with me? Just until I fall asleep.” 

He smiled and nodded, coming back and sitting on the opposite side of the bed as you got settled. You gave him a look and he rolled his eyes, laying back himself and settling in. 

You faced each other, eyes locking as he smiled. “You can’t sleep with your eyes open,” he teased, earning a light laugh from you. 

“Fine, fine,” you said, letting your eyes fall shut as you slightly adjusted your sleeping position. After a second you opened your eyes again, seeing Ashton with his closed. 

“Ash?” 

He cracked one eye open. “Yeah?”

“You promise this new place will be safe?” 

“Darling, you’ll always be safe with me. I promise.” 

[meow-bebe]

stellatus

Pairing: Lee Felix x artist!reader

Genre: fluffffff

Warnings: literally nothing. this is so sweet asghk we’re channeling the cute here. like honestly not even my usual cussing

Word count: 3614 (!!!)

A/n: remember that idea I posted a while ago? well heres the fic! Im suuuper proud of this one because its the longest thing ive written for this blog (3k! more than 3k! that makes me so happy ahhhh!) and also I just really love it! usually I don't particularly like my own writing but this one I feel like is my best work. also about half way through writing this I found this amazing drawing by @panini-byanyothername​ which gave me the encouragement to finish this and also deserves all of the love because its an amazing piece of art! it was drawn based on another fanfic but its super pretty and is very close to what my story is about so I thought it would be appropriate to include a link

~~~

stēllātus; first/second-declension adjective starry, stellate, starred

“I have an idea,” you announced, bouncing with excitement as you ran into the room where Felix was currently sat at your desk on his computer. Latching your arms around Felix’s neck from behind, you rested your chin gently on his shoulder. 

“And what would that be?”he asked, spinning the office chair he sat in and successfully rotating within your arms. 

“I want to paint on you!” you said brightly as Felix’s hands came to rest on your waist as you snuggled closer, plopping down into his lap. 

“What?” Felix asked, slightly startled by your bold proposition. 

“I want to paint on you,” you repeated, “like, kind of use you as a human canvas?” It came out more as a question than a statement, and you grinned awkwardly, the incredulous tone of his voice making you shy. 

“I’m not opposed,” Felix mused, and you immediately brightened back up again. “Why though?”

“Well,” you said, fingers playing with the strings of his hoodie, “first of all you’re the only person I have on hand at the moment.” You giggled, and Felix raised a hand to his chest in mock offense. “But I’ve always loved painting on skin. There’s some strange appeal that comes with turning another human being into art. Unfortunately, I’ve only ever done it on myself before, but I had this really amazing idea a while ago and have held onto it forever and you are absolutely perfect for it.” You finished by pressing a sweet kiss to his nose. “So?” you asked eagerly, “what do you say? Let me paint on you?”

Felix chuckled lightly, and you could feel the deep vibrations where your hands were set on his chest. “Aren’t you going to tell me what your amazing idea is?” 

“Nope!” you said cheerfully, popping the ‘p’ as you smiled happily, “You’ll just have to say yes and see what I do. It will be beautiful, I promise.” 

Felix playfully narrowed his eyes at you. “You won’t do something stupid or make me look weird?”

“I would never,” you said, sticking out your littlest finger, “pinky swear. And anyway, nothing could ever make you look weird, pretty boy.” Felix’s eyes widened at your compliment, a light shade of red creeping across his cheeks as he wrapped his pinky around yours. No matter how often you complimented him he always had the sweetest flustered reactions. 

“What are we waiting for then?” you practically vaulted out of his lap, tangling your fingers together and tugging on his hand to try and get him to follow you. 

“What, now?” he asked, a bewildered look on his face.

“Yes, now,” you said, pulling on his hand again, “I can’t wait any longer, I’m dying to finally do this.”

“Alright,” Felix said, laughing as he stood up from the desk, whatever he was working on earlier abandoned as you enthusiastically pulled him along to the spare bedroom turned art studio. 

“Here,” you said, tossing one of the already paint-stained cushions you often put to use out of the closet, “sit down while I find what I need.” 

Felix grabbed the cushion and set it on the large, clear plastic mat you always kept set out over the hardwood floors. There were several places you had set up for painting, laying on the floor and the easel by the window being two of your favorites, and you rotated between them depending on how you were feeling that day. It seemed like today was a sprawled across the floor day, although that made sense, Felix reasoned, if you were going to be painting on him. He sat down and watched as you zipped back and forth across the room, picking through your jars of brushes and bins of paints to find the supplies you would be using. 

Thrusting one of the mason jar mugs you used to wash out your brushes at Felix, you asked, “Could you go fill this up with water for me?” He nodded compliantly, pulling himself up off the floor and traipsing across the hall to the bathroom to fill the glass mug with water. When he came back into the room, you had set up a jar of brushes to pick through, tossed a few tubes of paint to the floor next to the two cushions, and were currently spread across a decent portion of the floor with one of the large folders you had labeled as “inspiration and references.” These were collections of anything you could possibly want to give you ideas or utilize in your art, ranging from newspaper clippings, old photographs, passages from books and poems scrawled on torn notebook paper (or on the more rare occasion, printed out), and absolutely filled to the brim with doodles and practice drawings. You were a firm believer in the idea that anything could be reused or help inspire you in the future, which ultimately lead to your large collection. Usually you tried to date the bits of paper you tucked away, but it didn’t help with your chronic lack of organization. 

“What are you searching for?” Felix questioned, assuming that you wouldn’t answer but asking anyway. 

“Can’t tell,” you said, eyes twinkling with a spark of mischief, “it’s supposed to be a surprise, remember?” 

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop asking. What do you want me to do then?” he asked, looking around the room and wondering what you had planned for him. 

“Just sit, I’ll find it in a moment.” Felix settled himself back down on the floor as you continued to rifle through the folder barely containing the papers inside it. He watched as you carefully separated a few glossy photos that had stuck together and shuffled through a stack of what appeared to be old school work. “Aha!” you shouted victoriously, startling Felix and holding a few taped together pieces of paper in the air. 

“What’s that?” he asked, his curiosity over both the project itself and the haphazardly folded but carefully assembled papers in your grasp too much to handle. 

To his surprise, you gave in this time. “Star chart!” you chirped, obviously too pleased with yourself to continue hiding your intentions. “I’ve always loved space, specifically stars, and I took an astronomy class in high school but never got rid of the papers that weren’t just worksheets. I always hoped that someday I would be able to use them for painting. And here we are!” Felix smiled at the happy grin lighting up your whole face, your excitement too endearing to not acknowledge. 

“Cute.” Felix grinned happily as you shuffled over to where you had set up all of your supplies. All of a sudden his smile turned bashful, stammering slightly as he asked, “Should I like, take my shirt off or something then?” 

You giggled, setting down the star chart and plucking a thin marker from amongst the plethora of materials. “Not this time. I want to do your face!” 

“What?” Felix gasped, eyes widened in surprise. 

“I want to paint on your face!” you repeated, excitement fading as you rolled the marker between your hands, suddenly nervous. “Your freckles, specifically. Only if you’ll let me though.” You fidgeted slightly, focused on the marker before looking up at Felix who still wore a slightly startled expression. 

“My - my freckles?” he asked, and you nodded. 

“Yeah. Finding patterns that match my constellations-” you patted the papers sitting beside you - “and then turning your face into a little galaxy.” 

“Y/n,” he said softly, and you braced yourself to be turned down, “I think that’s the most amazing thing you’ve ever come up with. Why would I ever say no?” 

Your eyes shot up to find Felix’s, and you could see all of the adoration that he held for you in their depths. “Really?” you asked, pulling yourself into his lap and tucking your arms around his waist.

“Really,” he confirmed, sealing a gentle kiss against your mouth. “Now, how do you want to go about this?” 

You clamored off of Felix, grabbing the marker from where you had dropped it at his side and snatching the star chart into your hands before thrusting it at Felix. “Pick a few that you like, and I’ll see if what I can do to weave them out of your freckles,” you said, placing the folded chart into his hands and backing off to begin rifling through the paint tubes you had chosen. “Try not to do anything too difficult, I think the simpler ones would look better for this.” 

Leaving him to pour over the constellations, you realized that you had overlooked finding a palette earlier in your scramble to find paints, so you pulled yourself up off the floor to move to the closet once again. Shoving a few bins of paints and stacks of assorted canvases to the side, you finally found the collection of palettes stored near the back of the shelf. Just barely managing to get your finger under the one on the bottom (the shelf was slightly too high, not enough to really bother you, but it could be a minor inconvenience sometimes), you dragged the precariously balanced stack towards yourself. 

“What about Lyra?” Felix called from behind you. 

“That would work,” you mused, shuffling through the pile in search of one not too caked in dried paint. 

“Or Aquila?”

“Also fine,” you responded, selecting a mostly clean palette. “I really want to try Draco, so we’ll do that one first and then fit the others on after that. Sound good?” 

"Anything you want to do is good with me," he replied, and you turned to see the pretty blush staining his cheeks.

"But you're the one making this project come to life," you said, crossing the room in a few steps and settling down in front of him. "You should have some input."

"I'm merely the final product in this situation. You, y/n, are the one bringing it to life." Now it was your turn to grow flustered by his compliments. 

"Oh hush," you said, searching on the floor for the marker you had set down.

Finding your marker, you uncapped it and scooted closer to Felix. "Ready?" you asked.

He looked at the marker warily. "I thought you were painting."

"I am painting, but I have to sketch it out first," you laughed. "I always do."

"Oh," he said, looking down shyly. He always loved to watch you paint, however paying attention to the process was something else entirely. "Well go on then."

Studying his face carefully, you placed a small dot on top of a freckle close to the top of his cheek. Glancing back at the star chart, you drew another right under it, and awkwardly angled your pen to try and reach better. Pulling the papers mapping out your reference closer, you shuffled to the side and drew another dot.

"This isn't working very well," you said, taking Felix's chin in your hand and tilting his head to the side to try and reach better. "I might move you again, so try not to move and tell me if it's too uncomfortable."

Felix nodded in response just as you set the tip of the marker against his cheek, leaving a small inky streak down his face. You sighed. "Next time just say you heard me. I'm going to get the rubbing alcohol.” You stood up and headed to the bathroom, opening the cabinet and rummaging around to find the necessary bottle. Finding what you needed, you stood up and crossed the hallway once again to rejoin Felix.

"Here." Felix held out a cotton ball that he had no doubt found in the depths of one of your many bins of random art supplies.

"Thanks," you said quietly, already flipping the top of the rubbing alcohol open and soaking the cotton in liquid before scrubbing it gently across Felix's cheek. He held still for the moment, letting you remove the ink from his face and watching your movements carefully.

"Done?" he asked as you tossed the now somewhat grey cotton ball to the floor.

"Yep." you picked up your marker again. "Good to go?" He nodded again, this time making sure that the marker was nowhere near his skin.

You set back to work, switching between analyzing the star chart and making small dots where you could connect the freckles strewn across Felix's face to resemble the constellation you had picked.

After readjusting Felix's face for the nth time, you sighed. “This isn’t working,” you complained, capping your marker and letting your hand fall into your lap. 

“I can tell,” Felix mused. “Any ideas?”

You tilted your head, scanning over his face, and Felix could see the imaginary lightbulb pop up above your head as a grin spread across your face. “Maybe,” you said cheekily, crawling into his lap and once again uncapping your marker. Placing the non inky end into your mouth, you cupped your hands around Felix’s cheeks, gently moving his head around until you think you’ve found the perfect angle. “Don’t move.” 

Finding that your new vantage point gave you perfect access to the soft skin of your boyfriend’s cheeks, you steadily set back to work, sketching light lines between the makeshift “stars” that quickly began to fill the freckles dotted across Felix’s face. 

“Alright! I’m all done.” You leaned back a bit to admire your work, already extremely happy with the way that everything was turning out. “And now -” you clambered off Felix’s lap to let him stretch while you gathered the scattered supplies necessary for the next step of your project - “we paint!” 

Felix giggled at the enthusiasm spreading a happy brightness across your face, bringing you closer for a chaste kiss as soon as you had settled yourself back across him. Clasping the brush you had picked up between your teeth as you seemed prone to do, you grabbed two of the few tubes of paint selected from a small box of metallics Felix wasn’t aware you had and unscrewed the one containing silver paint. Squeezing a small amount onto the palette in your other hand, you replaced the cap and set it to the side. 

You pulled the paintbrush from your mouth, and said, “This is it. No going back after I start painting,” you warned, absolutely failing to hide the playful tone in your voice. 

“I have sharpie all over my face,” Felix laughed, “I’m pretty sure we reached that point a while ago.” 

“Right,” you said, ducking your face a little, trying to hide your embarrassed expression. “Well then, let the painting begin!” Placing a sweet kiss to the tip of Felix’s nose, you swirled your brush through the silver paint and hesitantly hovered over the inked lines connecting his freckles. 

“You’re not going to mess this up,” Felix reassured, almost as if he could immediately pick up on your thoughts, “anything you paint is always beautiful and I have complete confidence in you.” 

The compliments flustered you even more, and muttering a soft, “Oh, be quiet,” you set your brush down, dragging the bristles across the lines you had laid down earlier. 

Felix shuddered under the cool touch of paint stroked across his face, and you backed off for a moment, letting him adjust to the foreign feeling. “Try not to move,” you said, setting down your palette and cupping his jaw sweetly. 

You painted thin, careful lines over all of the drawn out constellations, painstakingly smoothing the edges and adding a second layer to those where the black ink was still visible. While you kept all of your focus on the paintbrush in your hand, Felix lost himself in the way that you concentrated on the task you had set yourself to. He loved to watch you paint, and the experience was ten times better when you were right up close. Felix watched your expressions as you immersed yourself in your work, noticing every little forehead scrunch, loving the cute way that you would chew on your lip or poke your tongue out when you got to a particularly tricky spot. There wasn’t enough focus left to be self conscious when you truly absorbed yourself in your art, and it was times like these that Felix thought you were most true to yourself, which lead to it also being when he found you most beautiful. Not that you weren’t other times, certainly, but there was something enchanting about your little expressions and the way your hair would stick up from running your fingers through it. You would always have paint all over your hands, no matter how careful you had been, and when it was still wet the pigment often transferred to your face or hair. Of course you never noticed, and so Felix would let you know you should probably look in a mirror, but only after silently appreciating the way that the smudged paint on your forehead somehow only enhanced the glow of beauty that truly being in your element brought out.

“There we go!” you suddenly exclaimed, startling Felix out of his reverie. “I’m finished with the lines,” you told him, dropping your paintbrush into the cup of water and swishing it around a little. “Now I just have to do the stars.”

You leaned to the side and reached around Felix to grab the other tube of paint you had taken out and added some of the gold to the palette before screwing the cap back on and tossing it next to you. Balancing the palette on your knee, you grabbed the cup containing your brush and dragged it toward you. Quickly and thoroughly rinsing the paint from the bristles, you wiped off the excess water and took Felix’s face into your hand once again, gently maneuvering him back into a position where you could easily paint. 

Now used to the feeling, Felix didn’t startle when you began painting again, the cool touch of the paint to his cheek calming. You worked steadily, crossing tiny strokes to form the stars connecting the constellations created by his freckles. Every now and then you would shift in his lap, or make sure that the angle his head was at wasn’t making his neck ache, but for the most part you worked silent and still. 

You smoothed tiny lines into shapes, keeping them tidy and occasionally layering more paint on where it had smudged or the first coat had been too thin. After finishing one of the stars higher on his cheek, you leaned back to admire your work. 

“I think I’m done,” you said softly, wiping a bit of golden paint off Felix’s forehead. 

“Can I see?” he asked, plucking the paint brush out of your fingers and placing it in the paint water. 

You nodded, climbing out of his lap and gesturing towards the messy desk in the corner of the room. “There should be a mirror up there. I’m going to go get my Polaroid camera.” You loved that camera, it had been a gift from a friend years ago, and you only pulled it out for special occasions. Felix knew how much it meant to you, and the fact that you wanted to capture this moment with it warmed his heart. 

When you returned to the room, Felix was sitting back on the cushions you had pulled out, the small hand mirror next to him on the floor. “It’s beautiful, y/n,” he said, and you smiled at the compliment, whispering a quiet “Thanks.” 

“Where do you want me?” Felix asked, nodding towards the camera in your hands. 

“By the window, probably,” you said, “I think backlighting would look good for this.” It was reaching late afternoon now, and the sun was beginning to sink to the horizon quickly. The golden light would shine through his hair beautifully, and Felix always glowed in the sunlight. 

The two of you moved to the other side of the room, and Felix quickly set himself up in front of the window. 

“Should I pose or something?” Felix asked, and you shook your head in response. 

“Just do what feels natural,” you said, squinting at him through the viewfinder on your Polaroid before lowering it to watch him adjust for the photo. He seemed to relax under your gaze, and turned his head to the side so he was looking straight into the lens as the light washed over the paint trailed across his face, illuminating the shine of the metallics you used. He stilled after a moment, and after you were sure he wasn’t going to move, you pressed the shutter. The camera began printing your photo, and after a moment you plucked it from the slot, pressing it between your lips and bringing the camera back up to your eye. 

“I want to take one more,” you mumbled around the developing photo in your mouth, “close your eyes for me?” Felix complied, letting his lashes flutter against the top of his cheeks as a small smile settled across his face. You snapped your second photo, bringing the camera down and tucking the earlier in between your fingers as you waited for the second to print. Felix came to stand next to you, taking the second photo and looking over your shoulder to see how the first one turned out. 

As you watched the color seep onto the glossy paper you knew that the stars across his cheeks, no matter how pretty they were, could never compare to the stars that shone in his eyes. He was truly beautiful, and standing there with your camera in hand, his hair brushing against your cheek, you were never more aware.

[slowbladed]

you know with kh3 ended, the xehanort chronicles finished i have a lot of thoughts on my history, my experiences, my memories...

i got into the game in july of 2017. i got it on amazon, i sat down and just played it. it took me about a week to finish everything except 2.8. i normally dont really do that with video games. in fact, kingdom hearts is the first game that really pulled me in like that. and i always found it funny.

see, growing up, i didn’t have a ps2, or a gba, or a ds. but my godparents did, and my god brother wanted to desperately show me kh1. and i did. i played it and i couldnt get past any of the worlds. so i kind of just put it to the side and forgot about it. i was maybe 5. a year or so later, he tried again with kh2. i played it, and i would always play roxas’s story. i just loved roxas and loved doing skate tricks. but otherwise i watched him play it, and one day he gave me his gba+chain of memories to play for a bit. i got lost, but i met larxene and was big gay. and i remember, i remember my friend playing kh2, and getting stuck at demyx and beating it for him. i remember loading up my old ps2 kh2 save file that someone played on and fighting xemnas. for a long time i had a kh2 poster. kh1 was the first cd i ever got. simple and clean was something i listened to all the time, both the orchestra and the opening.

my memory is awful. i dont remember much of anything from my childhood because of severe abuse growing up. many memories, both good and bad, i oppressed because of how awful it was. but its funny, i still remember that feeling of happiness hearing sora talk about hearts and things. and i always found it funny that kh is one of the things that stick in my heart, and it wasn’t even the game that kept me together through my childhood (that goes out to halo). i still remember getting lost in agrabah in com. i still remember fighting xemnas for the first time. i still remember all these things, but most of my childhood is just gone. you can argue that the reason i focus so much on memories in my writing, that i think so much on this is because im trying to fill the hole of my childhood.

when i was 13, i met one of my long time friends on tumblr. he’d always say “please get into kh” and i would reply “maybe one day”. even funnier, i only bought kh because toy story was confirmed in it. i love toy story, and thats the thing that made me go “yeah, ill get into the series. ill do it for toy story”. i was 19.

of course my friends joked “pt youre finally getting into it!” “it only took you 15 years” “i think your favorite character will be xion, marluxia, etc” and i laughed at them. i told them “xion wont be my favorite” “im only doing it for toy story” but.. part of me feels like i wasnt. part of me feels like i was doing it to reconnect with my childhood. and this is the first time im really admitting it. that part of me missed that nostagia. 

i sat down and played it. and i dont know what happened, but i kept playing it. i kept playing it because, even if kh1 wasnt great, there was something to it. i fell in love with marluxias character, but there was one character that resonated with me the most: xion.

and it might sound so stupid, it might sound so fucking STUPID but my biggest fear is being forgotten. my belief is that, even if i die, if people remember me deep in their hearts that i wont die. that ill live on and once people have forgotten me that is when i’d truly will die. man, i even had this idea before i got into kh and i thought it was so DUMB growing up. but seeing xion, seeing her based so much on memories, eating ice cream, laughing with her friends, being abused by the organization, then being forgotten, it resonated so deeply inside me. people think i joke when i say i cried whenever xion comes on screen, but she means so much to me. i guess you could even say that i see her as a reflection of myself. that the reason i cry, the reason i resonate with her, is because i understand how she feels. and its so dumb! its so dumb but its how i feel.

and... then i beat all the games. i beat them and talked to my friends. i made this blog. i made new friends. i became even closer to friends i lost contact with. i reached out to them with kh and we fell back with our usual BS as if a day never went by. we laughed, we cried... one friend that was on call with me through KH2, one that i fell a little out of contact with, cried with me when i beat kh2.

i still remember... i still remember crying when roxas and axel sat on the clock tower. eating ice cream. i dont know why. i didnt even watch days yet. i didnt even like axel. i didnt even get roxas. but that scene always stuck out to me. something about it...

i still remember screaming “THATS NOT RIKU!” when kairi revealed ansem underneath the hood. i remember singing awfully out of tune simple and cleans. i remember joking with my friend “hey that looks like castle oblivion!” in the bbs opening and him laughing at me when that part was revealed. i remember dreaming of xigbar serving me food at a restaurant and my friend telling me something important is going to happen august 28th and sure enough lauriam is revealed

and, this has gotten so long. im a giant sap. im a giant emotional sap that has been so affected by kingdom hearts that watching the current one end and seeing a new one open makes me almost wish i could live in his bubble where i could always experience the first time playing it. im a big sap that wants to finally get all my thoughts, all my emotions down, but even i know that no matter what words i use it can never convey what i want to say. im that one guy who, at the end of kh3 cried so hard and for so long because its over, some of these characters ill never see again. im that idiot that cried midway writing this.

im genuinely sad its over. not in a bittersweet way but just outright sad. but i have to remember that even if i played those games all those years ago, that even if i wont be able to feel that feeling playing the games for the first time, that it gave me... some semblance of a childhood. i was able to experience new things like a kid would. to follow sora through the games and watch him grow up. and its dumb, maybe, but.... thinking about it.... i think thats why the game has made me feel this way. even if i didnt wait years between releases. even if i only waited 1 year for kh3... its still a valid experience and a valid emotion.

this has gotten so long but... a lot of this stuff i never really talked about, or even admitted to anyone or myself and having this small piece of media end makes me sad to no end but. BUT.... i kind of got back something that i was missing. even if artificial, its still real to me.

[lifeofamastersstudent]

Reflection | Workshop 2

 4th June 2020 | online workshop | 6 people - Group discussion 

Part 1 : Word Based

Activity 1 : State one quality about ourselves 

Some of the words I got where - Patient , joyful, calm & patient, indecisive 

Activity 2 : Pick ONE word out of FIVE

Player 1

1. umbrella - protected and safe 2. Water - calm and composed. I’m okay to go with the flow most times 3. can opener - I picked can opener because I can find solutions. 

Player 2

1.Music box - because I’m entertaining  2. Rainbow - it brightens the sky on a rainy day and I’m feeling hopeful right now 3. Door - feels like it allows people to come in. I am welcoming. 

Player 3

1.Ball - because I do things around sports and in a way, the ball can go in any direction.  2. Sand - it can take whatever shape you put it into  3. Stairway - I think theres no final point in my life. I think theres always something work in progress. 

Player 4 

1.Tree bark - because I’m grounded 2. Waterfall - I relate to waterfall because I’m very emotional.  3. Cloud - I am very moody - somedays grey and somedays white and my name itself means cloud

Player 5 

1. 2. Pillow - soft and cuddly. And in general its the best thing ever. I am the best shit ever. 3.  ocean  - I found ocean appropriate. Its very vast and its very deep and its also pretty dark. And its something I can relate my imagination to. And you know how some people are really scared of exploring the depths of the ocean. And its also a lot of pressure to take.  

Player 6

1.Rock - hard exterior  2. Waves - calm, it can be soothing sea and it can be a tsunami. extremes.  3. Shadow - its dark as I am in a lot of things that I think of. I can match peoples energy - I can imitate them. 

Activity 3 : You get ONE word, find a connection 

Slightly more challenging because you get one word and you must find a way to associate with it 

Player 1 

Boat - The way I could relate to the word I got is - well a boat can sail. I think if you know how to do it properly then you can withstand harsher waters. If you are comfortable and then you can handle it. If Im prepared about a situation if its tricky or difficult, I can handle it a lot better. 

Player 2

Thorn - I can be hurtful. I can get angry. I can also protect the flower. 

Player 3

Sharpener - I dont like to see anything negative in a person or even me. In my relationships, there are lots of things which are very different about them - id say for them. Some id change for me and some for them. I’m always looking to sharpen my skills and change relationships for the better

Player 4

Chair - my word was chair. I associate with it because I give people comfort so if someone comes to me, I do provide comfort. But it also stands on four feet. So I feel like my support system keeps me stable and that intern helps me to provide comfort to people. 

Player 5

Night - I feel like on one side, experiencing a really pretty night. I fee like I can empathise with people and provide comfort and on the other hand the night can also get terrors. The dark fucked up thoughts and depression that comes with it. A flip side thing. 

Player 6

Rain - it can be harsh and moody in a way. But also calming when you’re inside the house so it can have two different sides of a coin. 

Activity 4 : Draw metaphors for yourself 

At this point player 5 said how it was easier to draw the metaphor and it was a bit challenging to sit and word the drawing correctly. 

Player 1 - “ill never have enough of my blue crayon”

It means if there something or a person that gives me comfort, I wouldn’t lose that person and try really hard to keep them in my life. A thing or a hobby. Ill do everything I can make sure to have it in my life

“happy as a pig” trying to be positive and be happy with whatever situation. theres no point in being unhappy with given situations. 

Player 2- an open door with rainbow - an open door to happiness 

Player 3  - I took my words sharpener and sand  “harder, better, sharper, stronger” I’ve also drawn a sand watch. It takes the form of anything. I feel like theres always something missing, something is constantly happening. 

Player 4 -  so I made clouds because I’m really moody. And I drew the few people who always deal with my moods. 

Player 5 - drew an ocean - part of the ocean is beautiful and the bottom has dark elements ( a treasure chest, a piranha, a whale, a dead person. Also drew a book - but then once you know me I go on non stop. And the whisk is because I create. Its one of my tools and my little universe. And the rings remind me of the planetary movement. 

Maybe I can ask Player 5 to elaborate the new components she added and if there was any symbolic value to any of them.  

Player 6 - I mixed all elements. I drew a shadow version of the drawing. One where I create my own problems and then me trying to protect others from theirs. I just put a rock in there just because and I added a storm. Its a duality. 

At this point I also shared a few of my own - Tea pot , Music box , Egg 

I noticed during this activity that some people used words and images . So their words complimented their drawings. 

A challenge I faced during these workshops is how sometimes people brought in borrowed meanings into their objects. Like if an object reminded them of something someone said or did and it has some impact on them. Then they added that meaning into their story. Weaving it. 

This exercise didn’t necessarily add more value. Most people seemed to repeat their metaphors - only in some more detail. 

My follow up question to the players would be - did this exercise help build up and clean out the metaphors - make them more clear or was it just a repetition of expression - giving your thought a visual form?

Part 2 : Theme Based

Activity 1: State one quality for a tree

I asked people to give one quality to a tree. I now see that people applied some of these qualities when they were later asked to find similarities with the tree.

Activity 2 : If you were a tree, what would you look like

When I asked people to draw a tree that represents them - some people went into creating a version that would be ideal but which may not necessarily fit where they are in life - there was also imagination that came into play. 

Player 5 focused on her tree being able to give to the animal community 

Player 2 drew a tree that he found inspiring 

Player 1 emphasised how important it was to be stable and strong 

I think people focused on the “if you were” a lot more than if you were a tree, then what kind.

Activity 3: if this group of people are a single tree, what part would you be?

Player 1 said she would be the branch, she feels like she can support people but not as much as the bark would. 

Player 2 I would be the leaves because they are visually pleasing, they are calming and they are just hanging there. Taking in the sunlight

Player 3 I think I’m really like the roots , ike it absorbs the water, the foundation for the tree. The stronger and better the roots the better the tree grows

Player 5  for me id be the little hole in the bark because I fee like the older I grow the more I need this sense of home and feeling of belonging somewhere. Having a little shell to call my own. 

Player 4 I think id be the fruit because I think I’m sweet. 

Player 6 I picked a single leaf - I see us all as a group and all of us as single leaves. In a broader sense, a part of a whole - nothing standing out, nothing standing out but it makes a part of a group. 

Activity 4 : Pick a tree you most associate with. At this point I showed images of different trees. 

Player 1 picked a autumn tree because of the warmth

Player 2  went on the visually appealing one

Player 4  picked the one with fruits - because it looks similar to my tree that I drew

Player 6 picked two. First one because it was similar to the ideas and the drawing I drew.

Player 5 picked the one with fruits. Giving and inviting. The tree with green mush - a safe environment with other trees. 

Interestingly, player 5 was able to build onto the image of the tree and imagine what surrounds it. 

Player 3  picked the fruit one and the one above the autumn tree. Nishant says he has a lot to give - it doesn’t come right away, it takes a while. And in the other image - the surrounding of the tree impacted the tree. Seems adventurous - on a hill. 

Activity 5 : Make metaphorical portraits ( with new or old metaphors + physical attributes, if you like)

People did have fun making their metaphorical portraits but I think its because this group is very creative and involved in creativity hence they were more patient. 

(Some of the portraits can be found on the blog)

Overall Feedback 

Player 3 says, “ my eyes gravitated for things I was already thinking of” when it came to picking a tree.

Player 5 said she already had an idea for the tree and then I had to pick and choose. 

Player 5 said that when I gave her a word, she was able to talk about it and visualise. But when I gave an image, she had to compromise and make it fit. 

Player 3 said that some of the things people tend to draw are very specific to how we’ve been taught to draw them - like trees. For someone who isn’t much into arts. They might choose to draw a simplified tree that they are trained to draw.

Player 2 felt like although the activities were fun and the session was engaging. He didn’t really get a metaphor out of it at the end of the day

Player 6 suggested to - Give people one word and see how all people interpret it. 

Player 3 suggested that I test concepts 

Player 4 said that we are designers. We can think of things to associate with. Its harder for people who aren’t designers. 

I got suggestions to test this with an older audience and younger audience 

Player 3 said that people who are much older face different types of challenges and face mid life crises. Their responses could be irrational or bizarre. From a younger crowd, I did expect a lot of creativity but with an older audience that would change things. 

Player 4 said that she didn’t realise that a certain object could encompass the things I felt. I knew the overlying feelings but I didn’t visually associated it with anything. 

Overall Reflections

At times there was a focus on what I want to be as opposed to what I am 

Drawing the tree impacted picture selection. 

The creative background of this group may have impacted the workshop

The outcome may not have been entirely clear even with the creative bits 

People found it engaging and fun. 

People love to hear other peoples perspective on things 

Providing visuals can be very limiting when you start with people trying to give a glimpse of their imagination. 

The age might affect the creative output. And if the people are conditioned to think in a creative way. 

[chiefdancingbear]

The Simpernaturals: A Serendipitous Moment

Good Morning all! In an effort to keep this blog up and to clean up my pictures once and for all, I have come to you with another update! Enjoy! 

A day or two passed Michael by, being drawn in by school and homework, but none of those two events deterred him from thinking about what he and his Dad talked about. He knew the weekend was coming up and usually he’d hang at home with his parents as they needed his help with chores and the like. His Dad had been wanting him to get involved in his favorite sport, but he was on the fence about fishing. He didn’t see the appeal just yet, but wasn’t about to close the book on it. As his Dad would say, “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it”. He was good at keeping an open mind like that.  

Friday dawned and Michael thought about what to do all day while in school. He didn’t want to go out by himself, but he didn’t have any friends free to hang out with. He was toying with the idea of going out by himself, even if he told himself no a couple of times. He was still weighing the options. Thoughts of, “What would I do out there by myself?” and “I could go to a bar in Willow Creek to hang out......they have pretty good music and even if I can’t drink just yet, that shouldn’t stop me” ran through his head multiple times. When it finally came right down to it, he decided that this time he would go out on the town. He was old enough, so why not? 

As he came through the door, he set his stuff down and grabbed something to eat, got his homework out and finished it as he had started it on the bus. Once done, his Dad came through to the kitchen and asked what he was rushing off to do. 

“Goin’ out for a bit”

“Where to?”

“The bar in Willow Creek.....I figured that it was Friday and I wanted to have some fun. None of my friends are available and no, I won’t drink......Im responsible”

“I didn’t say anything about drinking, although in hind sight I would have......responsible father and all of that” he chuckled. Michael shook his head and laughed. “What time--”

“I’ll be back around 10:30 and will call if I am going to be any later”

“Good......have fun!” 

By this time it was nearing 6:30pm and he left the house. The way there wasn’t too bad as the traffic had settled down and the bus was fast. He was dropped off at the corner and didn’t have too far to walk til he got to the bar. The place was almost semi-packed, but not so much that he couldn’t enjoy the music due to the conversations around him. He went up to the bar and ordered a milk. 

“Milk?” a woman said and looked at him after she saw the bartender give him his drink.

“Truly manly men drink milk ya know” Michael winked. 

“Hmmm, I’ve been ordering myself orange juice on the rocks. That’s my drink of choice when I go out”

“Really? I love orange juice!” 

 Just then someone else decided to shove the lady Michael was talking to out of her way just to get to the bar. She turned to Michael and muttered how rude that chick was. 

“Uhh, excuse me Ma’am?” Michael tapped the rude lady on the shoulder.

“What do you want, kid?” she scowled.

“You just bumped into my friend here.....”

“Yeah, so? Place is crowded and I have no time to soothe little girls every freaking time I pass by them and accidentally bump into them. She should learn to keep out of the way”

“You need to apologize” Michael pressed. The lady that he was with tapped him on the shoulder and whispered that it was really okay. 

“You should listen to her dude.....she said it was okay”

“Well, its not okay by me.......apologize please”

The rude woman turned to his friend at his side and gave a weak and unapologetic apology. Even though his friend knew that she didn’t mean it, she accepted it and appreciated the gesture. 

“Pffft, whatever” she scowled and moved on, bumping her again on purpose this time to prove her point. 

“What a jerk” Michael said moodily.

“Yeah, I know.....” she rubbed her arm where she bumped it, “really, you didn’t have to do that, but it was appreciated. Thank you!”

“My pleasure! Now, what were we talking about before we were rudely interrupted?” he asked with a brilliant smile.

“Drink choices I think?” 

“That’s right! Wanna go sit someplace and chat?”

“Sure!!” 

That night Michael couldn’t stop himself from talking the woman’s ear off. He had introduced himself and found out the woman’s name was Melanie Albright and that she went to the same school as he did. He was beside himself! Finally, when the subject came around to curfews, he looked at his watch: 10:20pm! He had told her that he needed to go. 

“Can I see you again?” he asked

“Yeah! Tomorrow we could go out and have some fun!”

“Okay, see you then!” 

Michael’s head was reeling.....”we could go out tomorrow”......did that signify that as a date? He really needed some advice. However, it was a serendipitous night to be sure! He was literally floating he was so happy. 

Alright guys! That’s it for this entry! Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more! 

[projectshania]

Sha-Why-a

Hey everyone!

Welcome to Project Shania, a blog about a big guy trying to loose weight in order to wear this sweet Shania Twain shirt to Bonnaroo.

Now, I know what you might be thinking after that first sentence; “This is fucking stupid. Why make a blog about this? Who cares?”

How do I know you’re thinking that? Well, I probably would have said the exact same thing to myself if I were to come upon this thing. 

(Full disclosure, I said that to myself when I first came up with this idea.)

So with that in mind, I figured this first post will be about what this is and what this isn’t, what I will write about and what I won’t write about. That sort of thing.

Actually, why don’t I come up with a mock interview with myself to hopefully clear up any questions. 

(OR FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WANT TO “CUT TO THE CHASE” SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM)

Let’s say the interviewer is named Glen Edwards from Health Dudes Magazine. (No, I’m not referencing the 1970s Steelers player. It just sounds like the name of a health magazine writer.)

Here we go...

Glen: So you’re really doing this?

Jake: Yep it’s on the internet and public so I guess I have to.

G: Is that why you’re doing this blog? Public accountability?

J: I think all of us have those friends who all of a sudden get this health kick and post on their social media accounts their desire to get in shape and then post every week (or for some, every other day) about their progress, diet changes, gym photos, etc. 

I have to be 100% honest, at first when I saw people doing that I found it pretty weird and self-centered BUT it suddenly clicked in my mind why some people do that and how helpful public accountability and encouragement can be and that it’s not self centered but actually okay to be proud of your progress and body.

G: So why do a blog? Why not post on your socials about your diet, progress, and gym photos?

J: Believe it or not I’m actually an extremely private and shy person when it comes to personal things so I know for a fact that I could not do that without feeling incredibly awkward. Therefore I came up with this idea for a blog to hopefully side step doing those things while also holding myself accountable.

G: So wait, you came up with a fake interview and are posting it to your new blog about losing weight to wear a Shania Twain shirt and you DONT want to come off as awkward?

J: I don’t know man. I’m a publicist. My mind works in interview format.

G: Fair enough. So...if this isn’t a blog about your weight loss and health what is this even about?

J: No it is! But I want to bring something a little different to the table to help me be open about all of this. In addition to writing about my progress, I also want to be very open about what is going on in my mind as I go on this journey in a hopefully honest but humorous way. 

G: With fake interviews and such?

J: No this will probably be the last time this will happen.

G: Why? Am I a bad interview?

J: No this is just kind of ridiculous to have a fake interview with yourself.

G: Well, you created me so...that’s on you.

J: ...

G: Okay, moving on. So what is this “journey”? What are your goals?

J: My goals are simple. I want to loose enough weight by Bonnaroo 2017 to fit into a medium sized Shania Twain t-shirt.

G: ...

J: Yes I know how that sounds.

G: Again moving on. What’s your current weight and shirt size?

J: I’m 250 lbs, 5″ 9′, and wear an XL shirt.

G: What is your weight goal? J: 150 lbs (the median weight amount of a 27 year old dude with my height.)

G: How do you plan on doing this? Do you wanna get swoll?

J: No swoll for me. Just trying to focus on being healthier. I’m going to work out 5 days a week. 3 days at the gym, 2 days working at home and 2 days of recovery.

In terms of diet, I honestly don’t believe in “diets” like in the Atkins diet sense or paleo diet or stuff like that. I really want to do this realistically for myself and my lifestyle and for me to do that, I want to just really focus on portion control and keeping everything in moderation. I’m already a vegetarian, but my diet heavily consists of pastas and potatoes and stuff like that. Though I won’t cut those things out completely, I do want to be smarter on where they fit into my diet and bring in more substantial and healthy items.

Of course, this is what I’m saying now. My views and diet can change and Im sure those will be reflected on this blog!

G: Okay so why THIS shirt? How did this come about?

J: For my 27th birthday my girlfriend gave me a bag full of gag gifts and this Shania Twain shirt was one of them. I took it out of the bag and was so excited because I’m actually an 80s / 90s country fan. Unironically believe it or not. 

*Exhibit #1: A photo of me in a Brooks & Dunn shirt at Bonnaroo 2016.*

Then, my girlfriend breaks the news. “Our office ran out of XLs and Ls. This is a medium sorry.”

I jokingly responded, “OKAY I get the hint!” 

We laughed, I put the shirt in the bag and continued to stuff my face with lasagna.

Then, about 3 days later after a very long night at a show, I came home and started packing and cleaning the apartment before I left for Seattle.

In my delirious state at 3am, I glanced at the shirt and thought to myself how much I wanted to lose weight to wear that shirt. And before I knew it, the whole idea grew from there.

G: Can we see the shirt?

J: Well, I was going to share with you a photo I took of the shirt but I found this super stylish, model photo from Urban Outfitters which is too good not to post.

G: Can we see you in the shirt first? Maybe do a before an after?

J: No.

G: Why not? J: I don’t want to ruin the shirt. I want the shirt to be in perfect condition. The first time I put it on will be at Bonnaroo. Regardless of what size I am! G: Why would you ruin the shirt though? J: ... Next question.

G: Why Bonnaroo? 

J: Well a few reasons. First, Bonnaroo holds a lot of significance for me. Full disclosure, I am the press coordinator for Bonnaroo. Last year was my first year working the festival and it was truly transformative for me. It was the most challenging thing I’ve ever done professionally and, to a certain degree (pun), physically due to running all over the fest with the heat and humidity. Between the sleepless nights over press issues and running around, I actually lost a significant amount of weight over the course of a week which made me feel great. Of course, within a week after the festival I gained all the weight back, which really upset me and I haven’t been able to quite shake it. So I thought, “Hey, losing that much weight by June is a realistic goal! Why not?”

Also, I wore that Brooks & Dunn shirt to Bonnaroo and it was a hit with the crew on the Farm. Lots of hi-fives which is always a plus.

G: This has been interesting thanks.

J: Good bye, forever.

G: Why’d you have to end it like that? *POOF*

So if you’ve read this far congrats! But, let me be 100% clear on something, no matter WHAT your weight is, if you are happy in life and you love yourself then keep doing what your doing!

For me, I am unhappy with myself and want to make a change.

I’m doing this in hope that maybe others who want to make a change too will read this and maybe find something useful or relatable or even funny and that maybe those things will inspire them to find their own project to focus on.

At the end of the day, a big reason why I never got into fitness or health and wellness is because I never found someone I could relate to. All of the fitness experts and youtube personalities and bloggers all looked like ripped movie stars who’s life is all centered around fitness and that you can only be healthy if you center your whole life and activities around working out.

I realize that if you are an unhealthy person, a life style change needs to happen in order to be successful but, I will never be one of those ripped health personalities with thousands of dollars of gym equipment in my basement and a stock pile of protein powders. 

So hear I am. Since I couldn’t find anyone I could relate to, maybe I can do that for someone else while also having a forum to work through this.

I am simply Jake. A 27 year old, over weight music industry professional with a loving girlfriend, a dog, a little apartment, and a Prius (ha. I know)

I have long work hours like anyone else from Monday to Friday (and sometimes weekends,) bills, car payments, rent and no budget for Whole Foods shopping sprees for vitamins, supplements and organic foods.

I’m going to try to make all of this work with my work schedule, lifestyle and budget. You’ll probably see me fail a lot, vent, and even be embarrassed (and to be honest, this whole thing is embarrassing to me already.) I think all of these things are important to see and write though. I’m only human and to feel frustrated and to make mistakes is human.

But HOPEFULLY you will also see me happy, excited, positive and ultimately successful.

Only time will tell though. Thanks for reading!

“LETS GO GIRLS!” - Shania

[lotsofdogs]

Things I’m Loving Friday #235

It’s Friiiday and it’s also Date Night in our house! WOOP!

I am really looking forward to this evening because our hot date is part of my birthday present from Ryan. He planned a special dinner for the two of us followed by a night of improv comedy and I cannot wait! We have a babysitter lined up and I’m ready for some one-on-one time with my husband. I know date nights will be a little more challenging for us to sneak in after our little one arrives next month, so we’re trying to take full advantage of some couple time whenever possible right now. And maybe we’ll finally get around to narrowing down some ideas for baby names? We are still coming up blank on names for a baby boy or a girl (other than “Thomas the Train” – thank you, Chase) so hopefully something will call to us soon!

As far as other plans for the weekend, we don’t have too much on the agenda. Mother’s Day is Sunday and the only thing I really want to do is spend time with my family which shouldn’t be too hard since we don’t have too much on the agenda. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Now onto your usual Things I’m Loving Friday shenanigans!!

Things I’m Loving Friday

Preschool Mother’s Day Surprises

  Just when I thought I couldn’t love Chase’s preschool any more, they outdo themselves! When I picked him up on Wednesday, I was greeted with the sweetest assortment of Mother’s Day surprises including a flower that Chase planted, a potholder featuring his handprint and a card with a handful of questions he answered about me. It was all adorable but my favorite part was definitely the card because his answers cracked me up. I think it’s clear I hype carrots up a lot in our house since he thinks they’re my favorite food and if he wants to confuse me for a 20-year-old, I’ll take it!

The Family Next Door by Sally Hepworth

If you’ve read and loved any of Liane Moriarty’s novels in the past (Big Little Lies, The Husband’s Secret, etc.), I think The Family Next Door should be the next book on your must read list! While I would categorize the book as a “beach read” at its finest – gossipy but thoroughly entertaining – and it hooked me right away. The Family Next Door takes place in a picture-perfect small town and dives into the lives of neighboring families who all, on the outside, seem perfect but each harbor their own secrets. When a new woman moves into the neighborhood who doesn’t fit the family-friendly mold – she’s single, renting her home and has a seemingly mysterious job – curiosity is piqued and it becomes increasingly clear that there is a very specific reason she chose to live in this idyllic neighborhood. 

Limeade

  With temperatures in the low 80s yesterday, I found myself craving something cold, sweet and refreshing to drink when Chase and I arrived home from the park. I ended up making a glass of limeade that was so ridiculously delicious. I’ve been all about citrus everything during this pregnancy so far so I probably shouldn’t have been surprised by how much this simple drink knocked my socks off but it was amazing!

I didn’t follow a recipe but simply combined fresh lime juice (I use this citrus juicer which makes it so simple to get lots of juice) with cold water, ice and a bit of sugar. I want to make it again soon with fresh mint added into the mix.

Simple Mills Almond Flour Crackers

  These crackers are a relatively new staple in our house! Chase loves them and I am a huge fan of the clean ingredient list. I’ve been using them to create mini snack plates with crackers, cheese and veggie or fruit slices and they’re always a hit.

Comfy Activewear Shorts That Don’t Dig Into My Sides

  I’ve been on the struggle bus with pants of any kind this pregnancy (with the exception of lululemon’s align leggings and Fabletics’ high-waisted capris) so I am beyond thrilled for warmer weather that allows me to wear shorts, dresses and skirts. Bring on the comfort… and the excessive sweating! (Pros and cons, right!?)

I am so happy that a handful of my pre-pregnancy shorts are working well this far along in my third trimester and sit comfortably under my belly and don’t give me some serious love handles. My current favs: Nike Crew Shorts / New Balance Impact 3 Shorts / lululemon Tracker Shorts / lululemon Speed Up Shorts (I like the 4’’ version for some added length) Hooray for shorts that don’t dig into my sides!

POPSUGAR Must Have Box

  My friends over at POPSUGAR recently sent their latest POPSUGAR Must Have Box my way and it was such a fun package to open! The Summer 2018 box is practically overflowing with goodies and I’ve already found some big-time favorites. The Eberjay wrap robe is made of the softest jersey knit and the lightweight material is perfect for spring. I’ve been throwing it on over my pajamas in the morning before and love the luxurious feel! One of the more innovative products in the box is the Sphynx portable razor which includes a water spray bottle, shea butter shave bar and two razor blades. It’s perfect for a post-workout shave or for throwing into your duffle bag whenever you travel. (I’m planning to throw mine into my hospital bag when baby #2 arrives!) If you’d like to receive your own POPSUGAR Must Have Box, the code PBF5 will save you $5 off your first box! Thank you for the fun delivery, POPSUGAR!

Mother’s Day Weekend Sales

Here’s a super short roundup of some Mother’s Day weekend sales that caught my eye:

Old Navy: Up to 50% off

American Eagle: 25-40% off all shorts (including my favorite TOMGIRL midi shorts – distressed denim shorts with a bit of a longer length that I love! You can see me wearing them here.)

LOFT: 30% off everything, plus an additional 10% off with code LOVEMOM

Anthropologie: 20% off everything

GAP: Up to 50% off everything plus an additional 20% off online with code YOUMAY (Time to get another pair of my beloved lightweight joggers!)

ASOS: Up to 50% off summer vacation staples (Trying not to buy these shorts since I know they won’t work with my belly but I LOVE them.)

Potty Training Q&As: Submit YOUR Questions! 

As you know if you’ve stopped by the blog over the course of the past two weeks, we’re in the middle of potty training right now! When I shared a little bit of insight into our experience so far, Colleen, a behavior therapist,  left a comment on my blog offering to answer any specific questions about potty training little ones. Her comment immediately piqued my interest and I reached out to her to see if she’d be willing to do a big potty training Q&A session featuring some of my questions and some questions from YOU!

I know potty training is a hot topic and something a bunch of us are going through right now or plan to go through with our children in the future so if you have any questions you’d like me to pass along for an expert to answer, please leave them in the comments section of this post!

Here’s a little background about Colleen: “I have my M.A. in Marriage & Family Therapy and a post-master’s certificate in Behavioral Intervention in Autism. My educational training emphasizes the use of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA)  and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) when working with children. I currently work part-time as a child/adolescent therapist. I previously worked as a behavior consultant and co-facilitated intensive potty training clinics for children with special needs. We used the basic principles of ABA while potty training, but all methods used can be modified for typically developing kids.”

Friday Flashbacks

PB & J Overnight Oats (A gluten-free breakfast recipe that can easily be prepped ahead for a simple morning meal that tastes like a childhood favorite.)

Total Body Medicine Ball Workout (Your upper and lower body and your core will feel the burn during this workout that targets the whole body in a decreasing repetition format.)

Question of the Day

What is one thing you are loving this week?

[Read More ...] https://www.pbfingers.com/things-im-loving-friday-235/

[claeriekavanaugh]

Intro: What is your name, what do you write, and where can readers find you on social media? And just for fun, if you could be any mythical being or creature, who or what would you be?

Hello, I’m M. K. Wiseman and I’ve found my groove penning YA historical fantasy (a short hop over from my steampunk entry into the publishing world.) Social-wise, I positively live over on Twitter but also have more recently discovered the fun that is Instagram and Pinterest. My handle on all three is @FaublesFables – come say “hi!”

As for a mythical being or creature: dragon all the way! (Closer to the Japanese concept of the beast, however, than the European idea.)

In the past, you’ve written steampunk and your most recent release is a Christian fantasy. Which do you like more and what drew you to each genre?

The kind of historical fantasy I write and steampunk are, for me, sort of one and the same…? (Is that a cheat answer?) Clearing that up a bit: for my fantasies, I simply adore writing from the corner where the premise is that maybe maybe history, as written, has simply erased the magical side of the story. That’s a pretty ‘steampunk’ way to see things, I think. Overall, what I write is largely similar in flavor due to it coming from ‘reader me’ + my particular world view. I like to read “clean” fiction—a.k.a. anything 9-year-old me would have read without blushing. And a part of me has always burned with the desire to use my writing to do “good” in the world.

More pointedly to your question, the Christian fantasy genre is an interesting demographic of stories. It’s a very wide, if sometimes very specific, genre. For example, in “Bookminder” there is no Christ allegory (a la C. S. Lewis’s Narnia books.) But I have made a concentrated effort to put a Catholic priest as a character in books 1 and 2 of the trilogy, simply because that is a part of my life and I want it “in” my world building—specifically as the story occurs in a real time and place where religion would have impacted the lives of wizards such as Nagarath and Liara.

YA is such a wide-open category. What type of YA do you enjoy the most and why?

I love good, clean, (old fashioned?) YA fantasy. Give me a story between 80-120K words where I can escape from Here and Now but still get a relevant message to take “home” with me when I close the cover and I am so there. I prefer an omni narrator. (Yep, this reader is out of fashion and I don’t care!) I like puzzles, riddles, and songs so long as they aren’t ‘check the box’ included into the story. Also, I want a magic system that checks out. (Tolkien, you get a ‘Pass’ on this last, because you are a class unto yourself).

Le Guin’s Earthsea books, L’Engle’s Wrinkle in Time, any of Brian Jacques’ Redwall stories—all are swoon-worthy reads over and over for me.

Do you find there are central themes or elements that are unique to your books? (For example, are you drawn to anti-heroes, antagonists, certain settings etc.) Why do those things stand out to you?

Character-wise, I absolutely adore a broken hero. I still wish Hamlet had found a happy end, you know? (Watch this space, wink wink.)

But, per my love of alternate history or, more specifically, ‘hidden histories,’ I really like to write about places you can actually go visit. Which makes research a beast, more often than not. The moon phases in The Bookminder? They’re accurate as I can make them. My Google search history is the typical author landmine of discovery to the unwary.

What inspired your book?

In 2004 I just so happened to have a very vivid splash of a dream. Just one scene. Short, but poignant and mysterious. I was recovering from a major surgery at that time, so I had a lot of down time to ponder a.) who the girl was in my dream, b.) what she was doing . . . Something clicked in my head as “this is important” and that’s essentially where I began writing The Bookminder from. Just one little scene; one odd thought. The “books/library” through line actually comes from my job in collection preservation at the time. The real history and places all crept in later.

What is the book about?

Ah, The Question; every author’s nightmare. (Does it show that I am currently working on cover copy for the blurb of Book 2?) Totally kidding, here goes:

The Bookminder is, at its heart, the story of Liara of Dvigrad (town in 17th century Istria) who was conceived via magick when the town is attacked, casualty of a larger conflict. Nearly 17 years later, she’s kicked out of the village (ostensibly for thieving but actually due to her magickal tendencies) and immediately takes up with the local wizard, Nagarath. He, of course, has publicly promised not to apprentice her—having reasons of his own for such an edict. Needless to say, this does not sit well with Liara and, well, the rest you just have to read for yourself, yes?

What are the characters like?

I’ve had folks say Liara acts every inch a petulant teenager. To which I say “thank you!” Because she absolutely is. And she believes herself entitled to all the grand plans she’s formed in her head.

In contrast, we have Nagarath. Self-hermited away to the quiet Limska Draga valley, he just wants to retire (at the grand old age of 28) in peace and work whatever magicks he feels like doing at whatever pace he wants. He is, in effect, hiding from the world that Liara wants to conquer. And he’s a huge bookworm. And a bit absentminded.

These two . . . I’m still not sure if I intended for them to drive each other bonkers but I have grand fun orchestrating their interactions. In the end, each is quite good for the other, though.

What is/are one or two pieces of advice that you learned from publishing your earlier books that you wish you had known before you started?

Editing is hard. Don’t fall in love with your words, a specific turn of phrase here and there. But absolutely fight for what you know deep down you must keep. The give and take line? Where that lies is a bit tougher to explain. It’s an instinct you develop, especially if you’re lucky enough to work with the same team each time around.

Publishing is a long game. Years. Thousands upon thousands of words—many of which get tossed in the putting-to-print of the “good stuff” (see editing comment above). You hear it over and over, come in prepared for the long haul and yet it still comes as a surprise how long things can take.

Traditional or self-publishing? Why?

For me, traditional. I’ve landed with an exceptional publisher who has great instinct and wonderful folks. They get me out of my head when I’m too close to a project, something I’d have a hard time doing on my own. And, on my gosh, considering how much non-writing takes up my time already, I’d not want to have more on my plate. But I know both are great options for authors. The benefits and drawbacks of each are really dependent on one’s work style/process.

What do you think authors can do to help make editors and publishers interested in their manuscripts?

Keep writing. Don’t rush it. Be patient with your story. Your characters are people, treat them as such. (Okay, that is quite possibly the oddest thing I have said with regards writing. You’re welcome?) Be authentic. Be available. Be open to critique but also have that backbone when your instinct kicks in. Gosh this is getting advice-y, isn’t it? But I cannot leave off without adding: Read. Read widely.

This is random but fun one, if you could pick any time period to live in, when would you live and why?

This is actually a tough question because I tend to be hyper practical when it comes to such things. (And am a Whovian who has dreamed widely on this very topic.) While living further back in time would be interesting, I don’t know how I’d do without indoor plumbing at the least. I’ve said recently that far far distant future might be interesting. Kinda goes with my tendency to read ahead.

What is one book you think every YA writer should read at least once?

I’d say Katherine Paterson’s “Bridge to Terabithia” is a must.

If you can read it young, let it sit for years and then go back to it, even better!

Thanks for the great interview M.K! Check out her books and don’t forget to say hi on Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest @FaublesFables!

If you liked this post, please scroll to the top of the page and type in your email to follow my blog and get an update every time I post new content. I have authors of all genres coming on my blog to interview in the coming weeks! Don’t miss it!

As always, keep making magic, word weavers!

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SO… I know I have been AWOL for a while. I guess since I got back home and the reality of finding articles started to sink in so did all my inspiration. Reality hit me, until Im done with this-professional part of my life… I wont be travelling abroad for a while. So yeah… The post travel blues are real…

Now that I’m past all that… Its time to reminisce. In my next several blog posts ill be filling you in on my little euro tour I took last year with one of my best friends. To start, my advice when travelling with a companion, is take someone super awesome, that’s on the same wave-length as you are, if you are an eager beaver and want to eat, smell and see everything, best your buddy is the same. I was in luck.

September last year i embarked on one of the most incredible journeys of my life… for now… (Im an optimist)… starting with Paris…

I arrived from Serbia- my start was plagued with bad omens, the night before my ghd had tripped the electricity, the plug blew, which ended up with our neighbour coming over at midnight to try fix my straightener, me in tears (wailing that I simply could not go without it) and that morning i overslept, nearly missing my flight..

Dom arrived hours before me travelling from South Africa… lets just say… it was not easy finding each other as we were on opposite sides of the airport. When we did, we were those high school girls squealing from excitement.

We purchased a 3 day all zone metro pass at the airport and went staright to Disney Land leaving our luggage at the disney train station. We were excited and giddy, our energy contagious. Disney Land was so much fun! Its huge and we somehow managed to go through most of it. My absolute favourite was the Phantom Manor which is a haunted house, Pirates of the Carribean which is a cruise through a pirate attack on a Spanish fortress, Space Mountain a roller coaster and La Taniere du Dragon- we went several times… i was like a kid in a candy store- or lets rather say- me in a candy store! Disney Land is a must do when visiting Paris! For kids and big kids (i.e. 25 year olds who still watch animations= ME) it is a dream. I was a bit disappointed that rides such as Big Thunder mountain and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Peril were closed, however the park is has tons of stuff to make up for it.  By the time we reached our hostel called the Generator we were broken!

Excited!

Two dorks on a carousel.

We aint scared!!

The Generator

The Generator hostel in Paris was the best hostel Ive been to so far! Ultra modern 3 story building with a nightclub on the last floor. Our hostel dorm had its own bathroom and although we all shared it, it felt private and was very clean. We both went in there not knowing what to expect as Id never stayed at a hostel before… Ive never regretted it since…

We met the most incredible people in our hostel! 2 super funny Australian boys who we later met up with in Amsterdam, beautiful sisters from Washington DC, a soon to be very unhappy French dude, and our most favourite Mexicans and in the mix a Argentinian! That there, is also a huge reason why i love travelling! Meeting strange unique foreign people! I love it!

Our second day we headed out to the palace of Versailles bright and early. We spent hours and hours roaming the gardens, stalking tour guides to overhear some information. When we thought we could go no more… We finally went into the palace itself. Which is not a good idea!! Go into the palace first!! Our poor legs no longer had sensation! I took a moment to soak it all in, to imagine the extravagance that has walked through those halls, Im a history buff, knowing Marie Antoinette and King Louis among many other royals, walked and ate cake in the very space that I was now stepping with a grumbly tummy, I was perhaps starstruck. Above all the glitz and the glamour, the beauty of the interior, my most memorable moment was when Dom set off the alarm. In the Palace of Versailles!!! Only my friends are capable of such things…

We walked the streets of Paris, getting happily lost, talking endlessly, entertaining ourselves with impersonations of accents. We had not yet seen the Eiffel tower and it came into our view suddenly and unexpectedly but far off into the distance. Don’t the two of us decide to walk there. Along the way we found the most amazing Gelato shop called Amorino which made your cone in the shape of a rose! I was pretty chuffed with our find. We walked and walked, discovering the Pantheon, Notre Dam and many other finds. Never did we actually get to t he Eiffel that day.

On our last day in Paris we went to the Louvre. Another remarkable place to see. I remember walking into the room where the Mona Lisa stood, a huge crowd gathered around it, as I turned around I caught my breathe. There on the opposite wall was a huge painting of the last supper, from floor to ceiling. Now that, my friends, was greater than the Mona Lisa. From the Lourve we had lunch under the Eiffel Tower, exhausted from all the walking. How wonderful it was for us to sit eating our budget meal of wrapped up bread and cheese from that mornings breakfast buffet. We pushed ourselves to visit The Arc de Triumph and Champs-Elysees. When we thought we could take no more, we headed back to our hostel. Not realizing what it had in store.

so happy to see the eiffel for the first time

did we need to pee when we took this pic?

That night, it being our last, our entire dorm (except for Frenchie) decided to celebrate, we missioned the streets trying to find somewhere to go, it being a Sunday led us back to our hostel where we partied in the underground club, when that ended we got kicked out by the security and commensed outside, picking up whichever stragglers we could find. When all the members in our dorm- besides the French guy that remained to sleep due to work the next day- decided to call it quits, we snuck up to our room chanting “Frenchie, Frienchie” from a whisper to shouting, waking up our Frenchie, making him officially hate us for life, creating our life long bond of room 808 Generator Paris September 2016.

#room 808

Then we went onto our next adventure…

To be continued…

Peace…

Milica xoxo

From Paris… With Love…❤ SO... I know I have been AWOL for a while. I guess since I got back home and the reality of finding articles started to sink in so did all my inspiration.