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sturnslutz · 8 days ago

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sweetie gets a visit

kissing, fluff, cursing, mentions of porn (obvi) 2.4k wc

chris's visit back down to boston came faster than you thought it would. the texts sent between the two of you everyday never lived down, each conversation getting more interesting every text.

chris had told you that him and his brothers planned to be with family the first day, but the second day was all for you. he texted you morning of that the whole family wanted to see you also to catch up, but after that it would just be you two.

to say you were nervous about seeing them was an understatement. you had changed a lot from high school, an entirely new mindset upon you. it doesn't make it any better that you've already seen chris's porn profile.

their house was still the same as the one since sophomore year after the first one burned. the smell was the same, the decor, everything. the memories of flirting with chris right outside of the door late at night, came flooding back to you.

after you knocked twice, you heard some shuffling from behind the door and marylou opened the door with jimmy behind her. the both of them had big smiles across their faces, ones you've seen plenty of times before.

"oh sweetie! how long it's been, we missed you so much." marylou said as she hugged you tightly, rubbing your hair as she kissed your cheek. "hi, marylou. it's great to see you also. hey, jimmy." you said as you hugged her back, looking at jimmy over her shoulder.

"marylou, you're choking the poor girl." he said, laughing as he pulled her gently off you, before hugging you. "how ya' been kid? doin' well?"

"yup, everything's been good, thanks." you smile as he pulls off you, patting your shoulders, before pulling you into the house. you were met with trevor at your feet, him giving a small bark as you smile once again, leaning down and petting him. your moment with the dog was interrupted by a small voice. "sweetie."

you looked up, seeing him. he was taller than before, and looked so much more mature. he hadn't shaved yet, so his stubble was showing and his hair was messy as always, but more neat than before.

"hey, chris." your voice was quieter than before, a certain nervousness flowing through you. you stood up and he walked over, wrapping his arms around you in a tight hug. you wrapped your arms around him also, and the both of you just stand there.

he's rubbing your back, and kissing your head before pulling away slightly to look at you better. "y'look different. grew your hair out too, it's nice. hope that personality ain't change." he teases, tapping your cheek as he talks, something he's been doing since he first met you.

you roll your eyes, laughing a bit. the way chris was looking down at you was something that you haven't seen in a long time. his eyes are filled with so much love, and you can't miss the way he smiles even bigger watching you laugh.

nick's voice is heard from the kitchen, interrupting you and chris's silent thoughts. "is she here?" you hear him running towards you guys, and you move your head to see past chris and see nick running and matt behind him. chris moves out of the way before nick hugs you and picks you up, spinning you around. "i missed you so fucking much, sweetie!" he yells as he sets you back down, looking you up and down while smiling big.

"i missed you too, nick. hey matt." you turn your head to the left, seeing matt smile and open his arms for a hug. you walk over to him, hugging him also. "you look good, kid. we all missed you." he said, rubbing your back before looking behind you, looking at chris.

before you can see what they're looking at each other for, chris runs up and grabs your hand, bringing the both of you upstairs to his room. he opened the door, and honestly, it hasn't changed a lot since you were last here. the posters, the lyrical lemonade merch, everything was still intact.

he closed the door behind you before falling onto his bed, looking up at you as you walk over, sitting next to him. "you know i missed you a lot, right?" you look over at him and shrug. "i didn't know. i thought you started hating me or something." he quickly shakes his head, grabbing your hand tightly. "i would never. you were my favorite out of everybody, you were always the realest and didn't put on a face just to impress others. you were just y'self and i liked that about you." he says, looking across your face, still taking in your matured features.

"when you left, i never expected you to become a pornstar." you snicker as you let your forehead fall to his shoulder as he rolls his eyes, laughing also. "im hot, and it sells quickly. i like doing it too. the industry is fucked up and fake, and i do the real shit, y'know? 'm not ashamed of what i do, but it's not something i bring up unless someone else does first."

you nod, pulling yourself up and looking at him. he smirks, as if remembering something. "what?" "nah, nothing. jus' remembering how many posts of mine you liked and how you literally subscribed to me. didn't know you wanted to see me jerk myself off s'bad, sweetie. thought you were innocent." he laughed, picking his hand up and grabbing your jaw moving it side to side condescendingly.

your mind stops at the way chris is looking at you. he knows you liked seeing him like that, and he knows everything. you watch the way his eyes fall to your scrunched up lips before back to your eyes. "can i?" he asks softly, letting his thumb run across your bottom lip. "i know it's your first, we don't have to-" his words are cut off as you lean in, kissing him softly.

he stays still for a second, before letting his hand holding your jaw fall to your hip as he kisses you back. the feeling of his soft lips moving across yours felt heavenly. this was your first kiss, with the christopher sturniolo, the man you've been best friends with for over 6 years.

his kisses become more slow, but deep, like he's trying to savor in the moment. your lips feel so perfect against his, each crease, each crack, fitting perfectly against each other's.

your right hand flows up to the back of his head, tightening your knuckles against his curls, pulling them gently as he groans into your mouth. he runs his tongue across your bottom lip, before you open your mouth giving him the entrance he needed to feel even closer to you.

he let his tongue flow into your mouth and you do the same. your mind is racing from the thought of actually doing this, and you can't believe it's been gatekept from you for so many years. he finally lets the both of you pull apart, allowing the air the both of you desperately needed race into your lungs.

as you catch your breath, he lets his forehead fall against yours, his eyes moving back and forth from your left and right eyes. "i've been wanting to that with you for so fuckin' long, sweetie." you nod, smiling. "me too." you lean back in, kissing him softer, almost like a confirmation.

he kisses you back before leaning his back against the bed, wrapping his arms around you, letting you fall to the side of him. “y’so pretty-“ kiss. “-missed you so much.” kiss. chris says while trying his best to keep his lips on yours.

you pulled away, actually wanting to be able to talk to him properly. “i missed you more. i can’t believe we’re actually doing this.” he laughs, rubbing your cheek. “yeah, i know. me either. what’s your fav thing i made?” he abruptly asks, catching you off guard.

“w-what? i don’t have a favorite-“ “yes you do. everyone does. even i have a favorite of mine. and i know y’got one from the amount you’ve seen.”

“i haven’t really thought of that yet.. i’ll look again tonight though, i guess.” chris snickered at this. “y’gonna watch vids of me jerkin’ off and moanin’ and determine y’favorite huh, sweetie?” you buried your head in his chest at his words, groaning.

“i’m jus’ teasin’. but for real, tell me what you been up to recently. you still got that camera of yours?”

“yeah, i use it a lot still. great film quality, and it looks super cool.” you rested your ear against his chest, waiting for a response, but one never came. he just stayed silent.

you looked up at him, his eyes fixed on one spot of the ceiling, but his smirk was weirdly growing. “chris?” he hummed. “what’s wrong?” “nothing, jus’ thinking about something i wanna do.”

“what’s that?” he snorted, gripping your hair a little tight as he looked down at you. “i wanna film stuff on your camera.” your eyes widen at this. “l-like porn? chris i don’t know-“ “it’s not like anyone else uses your camera right? it’ll be there for just you and me. especially because we might move back down to boston.”

his voice quieted a bit at the last part of his sentence almost like he realized halfway he wasn’t supposed to tell you. you jumped up at this. “y-you’re moving back? no way-“ chris interrupts again. “it’s not for sure, and i wasn’t even supposed to tell you, but yeah, probably. we miss boston life a lot, and we’re still gonna fly back to la at times, but i think the whole ‘us reuniting’ thing happen was the thing that confirmed it for us.”

“speakin’ about that camera though, you think i could borrow it sometime? just for whatever, my old one broke because my fucking cat pushed it off the table. .” he said, rubbing your cheek. “yeah, of course. and since when did you get a cat?" chris shrugs. "had him for a bit, his name is bat. he's a kitten, and you would love him. he's in la right now with one of nick's friends."

the rest of the night went calmly, with you and chris kissing a couple more times before nick called the both of you down to dinner. chris begged for you to let him drive you home, and you let him.

“damn you still live here? looks great still.” he said, looking at your house that looked almost the same, just like his did. “yeah, my parents moved more into the country but because of school they let me live here.” he turns his head, cocking an eyebrow. “they let you live by yourself? when they know it’s hard for you to be alone?”

you shrug softly. you forgot you told him that. “no one really knows besides you, i didn’t really think they needed to know.” chris tsks, parking your car into the driveway. “cmon. i’m staying the night, it’ll be easier for us to get coffee in the morning. we’ll be like an old couple.”

he unlocked the car, but quickly racing out and running to your side, opening the door for you. you smile as he takes your hand, helping you out the car.

you let the both of you inside, before getting comfortable in your room. a couple of more kisses are shared, while you converse on whatever’s been happening over the past years you both haven’t talked.

the morning after was calm still. you both woke up wrapped in each other, but thankfully still had clothes on besides chris who was shirtless with boxers on. he knew you still were inexperienced like that, and didn't want to rush you.

you gave him the camera and he promised he would give it back before they left for la because he knew how much you cherished it. the two of you laughed at the cafe looking back at old pictures and videos, and one video came up in particular that had you both surprised.

it was a video before the night of graduation, the night before he left without saying anything, and the night you two last talked by yourselves.

-on the video-

"y'ever think about what would've happened if we hadn't met each other sweetie?" chris looked over at you as you were sitting up in a criss cross position trying to get your camera's card readjusted, but you didn't know it was recording.

"not really, i try to just live in the moment, and think about what i currently have, not 'what if'." you say softly, your tongue slightly poking out in concentration. chris nodded, and turned his head toward you, watching. the two of you were right next to your favorite lake, laid up against the rocks.

he hated not being able to actually tell you that he was leaving. he knew he should've, but he couldn't bear to see you so upset. "yeah, i get that. love that about you, y'know?" he says softly, brushing a hand through his hair and looking out into the lake once again.

"you always say you love stuff about me. talkin' about me like i'm some unique thing or somethin'." you giggle a bit, shaking your head. you decide to set the camera down, giving up on whatever you were trying to do, and letting it unknowingly record.

he turns to face you again. "because y'are special. i've never met someone like you before, and you take your uniqueness for granted and shove it down like it doesn't mean anything. you're the best person i have ever met, and you don't realize that."

you're thankful the sunset does a great job at not showing the heat flowing up to your face as you smile at him softly. chris talks about you like you're the only girl in the world, and you couldn't be more thankful for him.

"you're too sweet to me. i don't get it, you got all these girls obsessing over you, and here you are talking to me and acting like i'm the only light in your life." "because you are. i don't give a fuck about any of those other girls. i don't care what their virtues are, i only care about yours. you're the only person that isn't related to me that i actually care more about than myself. and you deserve everything and more."

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thebadsocialworker · 4 months ago

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Bad 2 the Bone

I haven’t posted in awhile because the weather knocked out my internet. There were metres of snow coving the road, finally today it slicked into ice, and I was able to restore my internet.

Back to our scheduled programming.

“When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad.” -Tao Te Ching, Chapter 2.

You’re int he passenger seat being driven by someone else. You stare out the window, but then you see, “the house”. You’re listening, but not to the person talking to you, you’re listening to drone of memories pouring into your conscience.

“The house”. You know what I’m talking about. That place. That place you can still smell. You remember the vomit in the sink and the cigarette burns on the wood floor in the corner of the living room. You think about all the people that have cried on that floor since it was installed in 1973. A tattered house that once held joyous families in its prime, but today, only holds secrets in the walls.

12 years ago, this house meant freedom. You danced barefoot in the bathroom with a bottle of rum at 19. You slept on the floor with the mice because it was too hot out. The holes in the walls let in spiders. Pot pies in the freezer, nothing in the refrigerator except a bottle of mustard. Polish Vodka sits on top of the TV and you don’t notice the change in your dad’s face when he picks you up. You’re too busy smoking a cigarette with your eyes closed.

You didn’t care what you didn’t have because you were so hungry to feed your demons and greet the world with your bloodshot eyes. Your friend’s already losing teeth, and no one has a job. There’s coke on the table from a bag someone’s cousin from out of town left after he got too drunk and had to go to the ER.

You eventually moved out. You got a job that led to another, and now here you are. Older, sober, in therapy, and taking acid reflux medications from the cigarettes burning a whole in your esophagus.

Your friend’s cousin ended up dying a year later from alcohol poisoning. Your roommate moved back home to Philadelphia and doesn’t have a phone anymore. Your Dad’s hair is grey now, and your brother doesn’t talk to you anymore. That girl you danced with in the bathroom has 2 kids now and takes Suboxone. She can’t taste anything anymore.

The gold has worn into nickel.

You feel such shame every time you see the house. You feel disgusted and dirty. You feel even worse remembering your friends. People today trust you, they value you. You hide yourself out of habit. You’re a bad person, and they just don’t know it, they can’t know it.

You harbor this fear all day until you step into your house and feel a sense of relief. You can now be bad at home, alone, where you know you won’t be able to hurt anyone with your existence. Your dog loves you, but they shouldn’t. You’re too bad. You tell yourself “He only loves me because I feed him”. You sleep on the couch sometimes, not even good enough to sleep in your bed. You just don’t care.

Your younger self accepted things out of defeat. That house that meant so much to you during a time of explosive expression, disgusts you now. Your friends, the ones that are still alive, make you uncomfortable when you see them at the gas station. You don’t even know who they’re talking about when they ask you if you remember that “one night”.

You’re conflicted. The people around you now, would never have talked to you 10 years ago. You’re not good enough for them, but they can’t know. They can’t know you went to therapy and got sober. They can’t know that you put in the emotional labor to consistently go to work everyday. They don’t know how much your palms sweat when you smell burning plastic. If they did, they would know, you’re a “bad person”. An imposter.

You plead with yourself, “I’m different now. I’m good.”

So what is “good” ? And what is “bad?” And why do we struggle with this after significantly changing our lives for the better ?

In a philosophical sense, these are merely subjective constructs that are reinforced by culture and more specifically, religion. Biologically, “good” and “bad” can be defined as either pro-social or anti-social behavior. Pro-social behavior being acts that perpetuate the existence of the human race. I.e., helping come up with a solution for a disease, donating food, helping an older person cross the street.

Anti-social behaviors being acts that would contribute to the cessation of the human race. I.e., murder, violence, capitalizing on basic needs, eliminating social support programs, war, etc. It stems from the theory that human beings have been able to survive thus far due to our sense of empathy. We are not large predators. Babies have been proven to die if they’re not taken care of, or even touched. Humans are the only species that has to teach their young how to be human.

So in theory, in the simplest form. If we were not empathetic, we would not have helped or saved others from danger. We would not care about our young nor spend the time caring for them. They certainly would be vulnerable to apex predators in pre-historic time. If there are no babies, there’s no future. So, therefore, it is empathy that has largely supported our existence up until this time. You can learn more about this if you look into Noam Chomsky and his theories. I digress.

The problem is, exactly that “good” and “bad” are subjective adjectives that are applied to facets of life inappropriately, due to culture and religion. You are at the mercy of the external influences around you. Along the road, somewhere, you were taught for whatever reason, that you’re “bad”. “Bad” gets applied often to things better described as “different” because it “deviates” from the norm. Even the word “deviate” suggests not conforming to the “established norm” is immoral.

Even further, we have used good and bad to design the pillars of society. In theory, the “norm” represents stability, while “different” represents “instability”. Theoretically, it is the “norm” that will attract the least amount of abnormal experiences, thus being referred to as “the norm”. Instability presents uncertainty which in turn causes anxiety.

So, are you different ? Was your life different ? Are you “bad” because you deviated from the norm, whether that was a choice or yours or not ? You know you’re not a bad person, but “bad” feels like the only way to describe what you do feel. What you feel, is anxiety about being different, and people finding out that you “deviated from the norm resulting in unstable situations that have contributed to your current personality.

In some cultures, the concepts of “good” and “bad” don’t even exist. There are only choices and mistakes with the above mentioned adjectives only existing to cause grief or harm. These beliefs do not assume that human beings are inherently “sinners”, rather a part of nature.

Here is an example: A cow runs away from an enclosed farm. It is “bad”. It is only “bad” because of the existence of the farm. If the farm did not exist, the cow would simply be traveling from place to place. It is neither bad nor good, it just is and does as it does. If the cow moves to a field that doesn’t have as much grass, it is not “bad”, it is simply a mistake, and the cow moves on to find another field.

The opposite can be said as well. Say a cow breaks into another farm and is eating the grass in the pen. Even though it is enclosed on a farm, this is “bad” because the “cow does not belong” on this farm. Even though in the prior situation, having the cow in an enclosed area is considered “good”, in this case, it is considered “bad” effectively illustrating the subjectiveness of these concepts.

So where do you fit ? How do you fix this and start feeling like a “good” person ? My answer pays respects to the very concept of Dao. You do not occupy either concepts. You are a neutral entity that makes choices that either lead to a resolution or simply, more choices. We do make mistakes, sometimes we repeat them, and eventually, we do not.

When you’re consumed with feeling “good” or “bad” you limit your choices and ultimately stagnate your learning. These concepts are ultimate in that they are black or white, You are either a “good” person or a “bad” person, essentially making them impossible attainments given nothing in life is black or white, further exampled by the cow. The feeling of failure sets in, every time.

Let go of your past actions as being either good or bad, and allowing them to determine what you deserve now, in the present. These concepts are inherently meaningless in regards to your journey on earth. You were never bad and you’ll never be good. You simply exist as you are now.

Congruent with Dao, you don’t have to do anything. There is no act that you will ever complete that will make you feel entirely “good” as the concept suggests. The secret is to let go, and to exist naturally. Making decisions based on what you know to be true today, and not placing judgment on what you used to accept, and why it may not be acceptable now, and if it makes you “good” or “bad” that it is not a choice you would or would not make today.

Instead of thinking “Wow that was really bad, I’m a bad person, I used to live in motel rooms snorting ketamine and doing sex work, I don’t deserve this” The thought is more “that choice would not serve me today nor the goals I want to meet”. In this thought formula, you free yourself from the cage you’ve been trying to escape from. There is no longer good or bad, there is simply, choice that brings you closer to a resolution, or to other choices.

So this time, when you drive past “the house”, it’s no longer good or bad, simply a space you occupied one time, that you no longer do and will never again.

Bringing this back to earth, clinically, if you think you’re a bad person it’s usually indicative of trauma where being either “good” or “bad” pertained to how safe you were going to be in that given context. Therapy can help with this, because if you are reminded enough of the new way you want to think, you will eventually think that way without prompting. It takes time, but that’s all we have here. What are you doing otherwise?

-thebadsocialworker

#mentalhealth #thebadsocialworker #dao #bad #good #trauma #impostersyndrome #imposter #sobriety #oldfriends #traphouse #guilt #religioustrauma #neutrality #inactionasaction #reflect

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