#old timey marzipan

[dailyhomestarfacts]

Fact 18:

A few of the permanent character heads in the files for the Quote of the Week remain unused

Specifically, these are So and So, Fightgar, Silent Rip, Eh! Steve!, Old Timey Marzipan, Fort Wayne Locomotive and Doreauxgard

[voidwerks]

Homestar Runner Dream

I'm writing this down because it was wild and I felt like I watched a true short or holiday toon. Scene opens with Strong Bad, Strong Mad, and the Cheat browsing goods in a refrigerator box being sold by a 'black market dealer' (which was just Coach Z in a yellow jacket, afro, and Groucho Marx disguise). It's a few days before Halloween, and Strong Mad sees a heart-shaped flower pot he wants to use as his candy bucket. Strong Bad complains, but when Strong Mad starts yelling he gives in and pays the 'dealer' with an old magazine. As he does, Strong Mad picks up the pot which immediately crumbles in his hand, and the scene fades as the dealer commenting "Thems the breaks!", him and Strong Bad laughing, and Strong Mad upset.

Next scene goes right into Strong Bad breaking into Marzipan's house in the dead of night. Strong Mad won't give up on the pot, so Strong Bad figures he can just make his own with his excellent craftymanship, but needs supplies to do it. So he breaks in, catches her off guard, and hogties her. Then the scene becomes a sped-up montage of Strong Bad working through the night ransacking the place to produce....a cardboard box with an expired bag of Valentines-themed Fluffy Puffs taped to the side. Which even Strong Mad can figure out. So the scene skips again, dead of night again, now in a Lowes garden center. Strong Bad has broken in to find something 'heart shaped' to shut up Strong Mad, but oddly enough, I've broken in right behind him along with Strong Mad to locate an actual pot. While Strong Bad is distracted looking at some 'Cheatgrass', Strong Mad and I start looking down some aisles. All good so far, when we're stopped randomly by a knock-off Kamen Rider, who has his arms crossed and looks rather disappointed. Before he can say anything though, Strong Mad goes loud yelling about thieves and attacks....Coach Z still dressed as 'the dealer' and the Cheat (in a black turtleneck and balaclava) who I didn't see behind me putting stuff in a sack. Not-Kamen Rider shakes his head, and the scene ends with Marzipan approaching in a bubbly mood with the rest of town, all dressed in old-timey outlaw outfits, and Strong Bad hogtied behind her, making some witty pun about crime right as I woke up.

[cakedpie-reblogs]

Hi Marzipan. This is a great video. I love you so much. Hey. Its okay. You can gamble at my casino next time. But don't cheat! Ha-ha, that's not allowed. It ruins the fun for everyone! I hope the polar bears broke your ribs. Why you might be asking? Oh dear! Baby, I don't pay them a single penny, don't ask me! Should ask that jester in cyan and white though. Should know something more about that, hm? Drove off into the sunset with him, singing your boogie lyrics of the band 'The Garden' consisting of two twins - Wyatt and Fletcher shears. In your purple-pink toyota. Baby, that's not the life I'm tellin' you! Keep it simple and come back to the TOPS casino. Hang on I'm getting a call from my resource management team. Uhuh. Yeah? Oh... (Phone slamming the old timey phone thing and it doing the DING! sfx) So. New change of plans. Come to my PIES casino! Management said that copyright was already taken by some guy benny two-shoes. Oh but it's fine, baby! You can come here any time of day you want, is it morning-day-evening or maybe if you're feelin' darin, stay over for the night! I got ya a suite perfect for you. Fridge's full to the brim with champagne and wine. Darlin', you might be thinking. Who am I going to drink all this wine with! Fret not, there's a phone in your suite to call someone over. Hey, by the way, here's my number in case you wanna call. Should you call this number now? Huh, maybe! If you wanna check it out, baby. Oh, enough ramblin' darlin, I'm going back to the freightyard. I got some deals goin on with the farmer there! Might have a few cards up my sleeve if you know what I mean... Ha! Don't you do that though. Don't do that. Fucker. I hate you. Aand now, enjoy the show, baby!

Ring-a-ding!

IT'S FINALLY DONE!!!!

ok I admit i probably could have made it better, but I wasn't born with the patience for good art, only art.

[helloemptyset]

[ image: a drawing of the factory and circus district of old-timey homestar runner. it is nearly night, and the horizon is orange and purple, stars beginning to show up. a very thin crescent moon sits in the sky, frowning with a tear. the factory sits behind the looming circus tent, filling up the sky with clouds. hidden behind the tent corner is a crate and a big green metal barrel labeled 'circus animal'. old-timey homestar runner and marzipan walk by, with homestar kicking a can and marzipan happily following along. ]

Twilight in the Factory and Circus District.

[incorrecthsrquotes]

Old-Timey Marzipan: (running from Rumble Red) Alien attack!

Fort Wayne Locomotive: THROW THE CHEESE!

(Rumble Red gets pelted with wedges of cheese)

[homestarrunner]

New Homestar merch from Fangamer!

Get it here!

[bbqnoir]

Wtf you got against MARZIPAN?!

Man idk you read some old timey books as a kid where they hype marzipan up to the heavens and so you convince yourself that marzipan is some delicious sugary substance and then you try it and it tastes like nail varnish

Also it’s in the same league as like, fondant? Cursed sugar playdough

[thebigdingle]

So to add onto my HSR au for Robot And Monster here’s a few more stuff!!

edits

J.D. is now Coach Z, Spitfire is now Bubs

variations edits

Z Sabre - Jay Sabre (J.D.) (20X6)

Old-Timey Bubs - Old-Timey Spitfire (Spitfire) (Old-Timey)

Fort Wayne Locomotive - Streamline Dean (J.D.) (Old-Timey)

Sbemail (Strong Bad Email) is now Rbemail (Robot Email)

Instead of homestarrunner.com it’s now ogoandrobot.com because

Ogo is Homestar which is the main character and face of the series

Robot has rbemail (robot email) which makes him the main character of that

Teen Girl Squad is just now replaced with mechanical look-a-likes of the squad (to simplify: Teen Girl Squad gets a redesign and have some of their looks but are now mechanicals instead of “humans”) and it’s called Teen Gear Squad

Cheat Commandos are now just Marfs who can speak perfect English. (Marf Commandos)

Monster has an answering machine so that’s renamed to Monster’s Answering Machine (instead of Marzipan’s)

Powered by The Cheat is now Powered by Perry

Names of Toons that were changed:

Homestar Runner Goes for the Gold - Ogo Goes for the Gold

Cheat Commandos - Marf Commandos

Strong Bad is in Jail Cartoon - Robot is in Jail Cartoon

Where’s The Cheat? - Where’s Perry?

The King Of Town - The Prince Of Scamtown

Stinkoman Intro Cinematic - Inventoman Intro Cinematic

Strong Bad Classics! - Robot Classics!

The Animated Adventures of Puppet Homestar - The Animated Adventures of Puppet Ogo

Where My Hat Is At? - Where My Jetpack Is At?

Hremail 7 - Ogemail 7 (Ogo Email)

Hremail 2000 - Ogemail 2000

Hremail 62 - Ogemail 62

Coach Z’s 110% - J.D.’s 110%

The Homestar Runner Gets Something Stuck In His Craw - The Ogo Gets Something Stuck In His Craw

Blubbo’s Commercial - Makin-Bacon’s Commercial

Quality Time with Cardboard Homestar - Quality Time with Cardboard Ogo

Sbemail 169 Deleted Scene - Rbemail 169 Deleted Scene

The King of Town’s Very Own Quite Popular Cartoon Show - The Prince of Scamtown’s Very Own Quite Popular Cartoon Show

Sbemail 150?!? - Rbemail 150?!?

500 The Cheats - 500 Perrys

Strong Bad is a Bad Guy - Robot is a Bad Guy

Senor Mortgage - Kuff Mortgage

The Cheatar - The Perrtar

Ballad of The Sneak - Ballad of The Jerry

Meet Marshie - Meet Fuzzy Slippers

The Cheat Theme Song - Perry Theme Song

Strong Bad Sings - Robot Sings

Sickly Sam’s Big Outing - Insane Issac’s Big Outing

Senorial Day - Kuffrial Day

Homestar Presents: Presents - Ogo Presents: Presents

yeah that’s basically it for now

[marzipanandminutiae]

close, lidl. tho i think aldi also has marzipan stuff. but i have no idea of what crosses the atlantic. after all, you folk don't get kinder eggs.

Ah. We have two of those, one in Virginia and one in New Jersey. Damn. There’s an Aldi not far from me, but Lidl might be a trickier proposition.

You can get marzipan for baking in some U.S. grocery stores and nicer places that want to be cosmopolitan might have chocolate-covered marzipan (the Ritter Sport stuff and such). But the variety really isn’t there. Old-timey candy shops in tourist-y areas have marzipan fruit most of the time, so that’s where I usually get my fix. Here in New England, every Cute Seaside Town(TM) worth its saltwater taffy has a store like that. And Boston has approximately 700.

[smashingveteransandnewcomers]

“Yeah,I wonder...”Ri aid as he saw Strong Bad racing off again, the others following.

After a while, Marzipan opened her eyes and looked around. “This isn’t like Homestar normally...He would never do something like this....Well, before a big sporting event like this..” Marzipan said as she began to slowly walk home to think...Speaking of her home.

“Mind explaining why we’re back at Marzipan’s...?” 

“Oh, you’ll see~!” Strong Bad smirked as he takes out the sheers and looked at the float. “Ahem,  Why hello, Mr. Enormous Noggin Homestar. What can I do for you today~?” He asked.

“Nothing too fancy, Mr. Old Timey Barber Stwong Bad. Just a little bit off the top~!” Strong Bad continued in a horrible Homestar impression

“Anything you say, sir~!” Strong Bad says before he decapitates the float! Which, in the process, knocked over a tiki torch, which then burns the remainder of the float to the ground “Whoa, that went even better than expected~!”

Captain N: Strong Bad's Cool Rewrite 4 Attractive People

@smashingveteransandnewcomers

It was a slow day in the Palace of Power and the N Squad was just enjoying the down time after their last case with the Freelance Police. Though this time they're going on a whole different adventure of sorts in the meantime. We join Ri and Brandon watching some videos on Brandon's laptop, which he was thankful that he was able to bring it over to Video Land

"Man I haven't watched these Homestar Runner cartoons in a long time, I haven't laughed this hard in a long time" Brandon said

[theliterateape]

President Joe Biden’s Other First 100 Days List

by Joe Janes

Joe Biden has vowed to bring strength, compassion, and dignity back to the office of the president. He released an aggressive First 100 Days agenda.

But what are Joe’s personal goals for himself for each day. It’s just as ambitious and here it is…

 1)    Pick a fist fight with Gritty

2)    Challenge interns to “Punch Ol’ Joe in the gut.” To show off my abs

3)    Binge watch “The Wire” again

4)    Finish that Sudoku puzzle I started in the bathroom in 1987

5)    Teach Kamala Obama and my’s secret handshake

6)    Shave the dogs

7)    Play Hide ‘n’ Seek with Secret Service agents

8)    Get my body upholstered in leather

9)    Practice my uneven bars routine for the US Olympic Trials

10) Prevent an earthquake with my mind

11) Eat a bucket of atomic chicken wings

12) Wear my clothes backwards and walk backwards all day

13) Shoot boudoir pics for my calendar

14) Eat a bucket of ice cream without my hands

15) Wrestle a bear

16) Appoint bear to a cabinet position

17) Dress up like an old school fringe-y cowboy for Jill

18) Clean out that junk drawer that we didn’t clean out before moving 

19) Ask staff for volunteers for cannibal experiment

20) Eat pizza without cheese

21) Read the Bible out loud in my God voice

22) Meet with generals and demand they let me tickle them

23) Eat sherbet out of a feedbag

24) Pass executive order that sherbet be officially spelled sherbert

25) Watch all of Jim Verney’s movies simultaneously

26) Stand at Whitehouse window, look deep in thought, then suddenly jump up and click my heels and shout “Eureka!”

27) Hangout around the monuments busking with my harmonica

28) Knit a cozy for my Camaro

29) Learn to speak Portuguese

30) Sniff Hair Day

31) Kill a whale with my bare hands

32) Learn a magic trick

33) Finally put all those pennies into penny rolls

34) Tippy Toe Day

35) Build a life-size Play-Doh statue of Sacagawea 

36) Make Canada a state

37) Announce that I will be riding a motorcycle when I enter the senate chambers to give the State of the Union Address

38) Hang out with the youngsters at the Senior Center

39) See what happens when I eat rope

40) Lead a hot yoga class in the ballroom

41) Put a dozen foosball tables on that tennis court

42) Dig up that bland rose garden and put in some corn and some of that purple cabbage stuff Jill likes

43) Teach Lady Gaga my signature moves

44) Go parasailing over the Potomac

45) Challenge Mitch McConnell to a duel

46) Be dropped naked in the middle of Wyoming to survive on my own for the day

47) Paint like Bob Ross

48) Hire tuba player to follow me around all day

49) Make my own oatmeal

50) Issue executive order to Hollywood that end credits can’t be any longer than three minutes and to let people know if there’s a mid or end credits scene

51) Set up confetti canon in Lincoln’s lap at memorial

52) Be taller

53) Make “Speak Like A Pirate Day” a national holiday with banks and government offices closed

54) Learn to cook blowfish

55) Eat cheese out of my closed fists

56) Offer free hand car washes to White House tourists

57) Go to the homeless shelter with my “Free Hugs” sign

58) Shave the dogs again

59) Marzipan is not a dog breed – learn it for good

60) Break the Guinness World Record for largest bubble blown with gum

61) Climb Mount Rushmore in a yellow jumpsuit and dangle from Teddy Roosevelt’s nose

62) Put my face on a coin but make it so it winks at you

63) Try to lick myself the way the dogs do

64) Host a cabinet poetry slam

65) Fuck it – Let’s go to Vegas! 46 on Red!

66) Make all the countries at Epcot Center US territories

67) Let’s try fried bull testicles

68) Walk through the park and only talk to pets, ignore their owners

69) Make a fluffy omelet

70) Rap Battle with Jimmy Carter

71) White House yard sale – There’s a lot of junk here

72) Make healthy snacks for supreme court justices

73) Try something new with Kombucha – olives?

74) Release the secret files on Bigfoot

75) Do a new vision board

76) Send Inauguration thank you notes – I’m so behind on this!

77) Make Girl Scouts a formal branch of the military

78) Replace Space Force with flying Girl Scouts

79) Take set of A-Team travel mugs to pawn shop

80) Work on tightrope routine – no net

81) Nominate Dolly Parton for sainthood

82) Get the dogs’ toys out from under the refrigerator

83) Do the dishes

84) Go see a play (not Ford Theater)

85) Buy a telescope

86) Read a trashy novel

87) Take Jill to one of those restaurants where they make the guacamole at your table but surprise her by taking it over and making the guac myself

88) Twister Day in the Oval Office

89) Walk around with blank video tape cassette and whisper to people, “I have the pee tape.”

90) Email all my tweets so far to Trump so he can enjoy them, too

91) Put up my blacklight posters

92) Pizza Roll Eating Contest on the South Lawn

93) Dance a jig

94) See if I can fit my fist in my mouth

95) Everyone gets a dog

96) Hook accordion up to the furnace to stoke the embers 

97) Pitch idea for solar-powered bomb rocket catapult to ACME

98) Dress up like old-timey crook and try to walk by security

99) Wear a crown and eat mutton noisily

100)                Free healthcare for all (JK!)

[homestarrunnerquotes]

Now, on with the prank! What's the difference between William Henry Harrison and James Garfield? Answer: Nothing! They both enjoy lasagna! Stop!

Old-Timey Strong Bad

-Marzipan’s Answering Machine Version 13.2

[twistednuns]

October 2018

Being so busy that I can hardly keep up with these lists anymore.

A fat, fluffy red cat keeping up with a running girl on the other side of the fence.

Working with clay.

Applying for an international education programme in Canada.

The evening at Oktoberfest with my colleagues. Dancing in front of Hexenschaukel as usual, right before going home.

An incredibly soft, bright red pencil. Japanese brush pens from Arket. Drawing. I never know that I miss it until I start scribbling again.

Spending the evening with Manu, Martin and Indian food. Playing SingStar. Laughing way more than we should about a set of 400 Chuck Norris jokes. Falling asleep with my head resting on Manu's shoulder. A weird half-conscious flashback, different places and childhood memories accompanied by calm, happy piano music.

Rosie Leizrowice: „When I find myself overwhelmed or in a stressful situation, I try to imagine myself from above, then pan backwards until I see the whole street, the city, the county, the country, Europe, this blue planet — then let it fade into darkness (this is also a meditation technique.) It works every time. Because once you visualise yourself as an insignificant speck, you realise how inconsequential just about everything is. And although that can be paralysing, it can also be liberating.”

Jonah Hill's role as the Icelander Snorri in episode 9 of Maniac's first season. But Emma Stone as a drunk elf is hilarious as well!

The fact that Google Maps now shows Earth as an actual globe. Makes exploring feel much more real!

A visit from Bibi on a Sunday evening. Looking for mushrooms in the forest, walking over the fields, petting a cat, visiting Tom at work. Perfect against Sunday blues.

KARAOKE!! Especially performing Tenacious D's Fuck Her Gently on stage with Manu.

Spending a lot of time with Doris during the preparations for the school anniversary. We're on really good terms at the moment. / Climbing onto the school's roof with Mr L. so we could apply the banner from above. Great view. / Founding a choir.

Going to bed on a Friday afternoon after the anniversary party. Finally I didn't have to stress anymore and spent the whole weekend in bed (because I got sick, yeehaa).

Meeting Franzi for drinks at Gärtnerplatz. She's going to be a mum next year, at the same time as Meghan Markle! I'm happy for her.

Satin headbands (hello, Blair Waldorf!) / dainty gold rings / huge, soft scarves / matte nail polish, still / dyke couture (lumberjack shirt)

Attending a workshop on English literature where a director from Residenztheater's youth department showed us how to teach Hamlet to our students. I had a lot of fun with the different kinds of games and acting in our own scenes. My favourite part was playing Hamlet's thoughts. Yep, that's a role, too.

Singing along to songs from Once More With Feeling, the best Buffy episode ever made. Finding out that Manu knows most of the lyrics by heart was fantastic, I didn't know that episode had more than one die-hard fan (=me).

Jumping on the trampolines at Maxx Arena with my class. Beating everyone at American Gladiator (boxing them off the beam into the foam cubes). Jumping down from a trapeze. Scary and my muscles were very sore the next day but it was a lot of fun.

Benedict Wells' reading his own short stories in Munich. He still has a very Southern German rolling r-sound going on. Charming!

My brother gave me Michael Greger's book How Not to Die and even though I started out very sceptic it gave me the last push I needed to go back to vegetarianism / semi-veganism. I'm probably not going to stop eating a little bit of yoghurt and cheese any time soon but meat, fish and eggs absolutely have to go. Yuck. I always have unsweetened almond milk at home - the perfect substitute for milk. And I love apple slices and a few almonds as a sweet snack.

Kurt Vile's Jesus Fever live in concert. Drifting off during the show, thinking about possible outcomes of my trip to Scotland. Meeting Ralf! / Related: Kurt Vile in conversation.

Realising that I can actually spend up to a third of a year travelling. Apparently the universe knew better then me when it created all those coincidences that made me become a teacher.

Doing sun salutations at home. Just because I had some extra energy that Friday evening.

Reading English magazine articles out loud to myself, in a posh voice. Feeling like a literary ASMR-tist.

Especially reading something about Australia which often seems like a forgotten country to me - that is the reason why stories about Australia, for example The Sunburnt Country in Believer Magazine, sometimes take on a fairytale-like character for me.

This is 18 - through photographs girls show what it is like to turn 18 in the year 2018.

I'm grateful for people who let me join their family occasionally. It's always both strange and nice since I'm not used to a family dynamic at all. Especially experiencing the presence of a father is so unfamiliar for me. Markus let me harvest honey with his parents in the summer and Manu asked his father to teach us woodcarving at his workshop. We ended up staying with his family until very late, drinking liqueur and playing board games.

Marzipan and buttered soft pretzels. Geez, I'm addicted.

Waking up from a very real nightmare in which I suddenly had a cat and a baby who I both neglected. Scary.

Colouring (IKEA's 'city overrun by monsters' drawing sheet).

Crystal encrusted hoop earrings from &otherstories.

A Star Is Born - this movie made me fall in love with Bradley Cooper AND Lady Gaga. Also, I'm obsessed with the song Shallow and the red leather boots Ally is wearing on the motorcycle.

Compliments from my art students - they compared my respect level to that of our principal. Woah.

Going to Scotland for the first time! Things I liked in no particular order: staying at Erika and Brendon's apartment - she is a lovely Bolivian and he is a co-author of the Rough Guide to Scotland; he told me about his favourite book by Sebald, a German author, and urged me to read it / Gatuso, the fluffiest cat / early mornings in the empty backyard, watching Gatuso strolling through the sunshine, seeing the white frost on the plants / Waitrose supermarkets / the Scottish accent / doing a walking tour with Stefanie, she was quite entertaining / trying 16-year-old smokey Scotch whiskey / going out with Rasmus and his friends, drinking at Banshee Labyrinth (the most haunted pub in Scotland apparently), admiring the costumes at the gay bar / a free impro comedy show on a lazy Sunday / old libraries / Banoffee Pie at Stockbridge Market / Greyfriar's kirkyard - the most beautiful graveyard with a very nostalgic, gothic atmosphere; maybe because you can see the grey buildings of the old town surrounding it and because of all the spooky stories / speaking of stories: there is so much folklore... about Maggie Dickson, Greyfriar's Bobby, the places that inspired the Harry Potter novels. Love it. / Blackwell's bookstore / my tour through the Highlands - gorgeous weather and autumn colours, such a spectacular landscape / rainbows over Edinburgh / My magic brings Voldemort to the yard and damn right it's hurting my scar / The old town, the quirky old-timey store fronts, the dark walls, architecture, little alleys. / the entrance hall of the National Scottish Portrait Gallery //

[empirestateofmars]

EXPERIMENTAL WRITING

By Hakim, Terminale L, a short story written in Jan 2018 that pays homage to Dickens’ Christmas Carol. Enjoy!

Hakim,   Messed-up Christmas Carol

I never cared for chairs. They don't walk, or move, or serve any purpose really. The whole world would have been better if not for chairs. They occupy space, breathe our air… I never intended to become one myself. All pie long, my jellyfish family say I don't remotely resemble someone who would accept to have asses on him everyday. When I ask what I look like, they answer : « On a good day ? Like Gollum. ». Never played a Pokemon game before, but Gollum sounds like a good bloke. I look in a mirror but all I see is a dilettante non-chalantly satiating a curmudgeonly marzipan. Indeed, a darling marzipan is selling another wobbly bodice ripper to an unruffled trombone. Some rhetorical girl is overwhelmingly confessing the girl near the lunatic. This is quite the fun story. We do not have time for it. Thus, if not for my liquid sword, the red limey-chimney-woundy-timey-wibbly-sucky doves, the plane and the hole in the sky, I would not have got my Law 52 back. Now, where do storytellers start ? Not at the beginning, I presume, nor at the end, if we begin in the middle, Time might explode so… What if I don't start ? No story, no reason to read me. That would certainly help Time with logic. Nevertheless, have you watched Timecop with Van Damme ? Time doesn't make more sense than Shakespeare. If I begin before the beginning… ?

My name is Harpon Aragon di Hispania, I am from Texas. I am of a certain age, don't ask you impolite fool ! My age is but a number. A good one for a Bank such as me. I am tall, large, big, safe, many people work in me, they take lunch in my belly, feed me with their money. I am a great bank. At 5 o clock, I count my money, have a good swim in it, then I come home, except when I don't. Mostly, I let myself sink in the sugary green papers, and in the golden apples of power, that is to say : Money. Money and I have always had the strangest relationship. He comforts me, begs me to use him, as if this would free him. He can't understand, he will never be free for I can't let go. Hardest thing when you love someone is to be happy around them. I am so concerned with his safety, I forget to enjoy him, kiss him, love him. As a revenge, he cuts my little finger five times a day. I write a song for him to make up to him. He forgives, we dance together, I promise there shall be love between us for many moons and here we go again. Just a damn circle, except I go lower, and lower, to keep him around me. Money takes time. Money makes me tired, grumpy, cold, labels me  « penny pincher », but I always come home to him, always welcome him inside me. I love him to the point I… Forget my other life, as a happy, YOUNG, married man. Three days could pass without me looking at my wife, of course she can't see me, she is blind. A fellow, in court, threw her on the floor, ripping apart her pages, her leather. My wife is a law book, specialized in work. The original, you might say. She is from when man was but some ape in the forests. These apes would draw some lines on cavern walls, and say : « OOOMAAAA. Wourrka Leuwaaaa ». Sorry for that pathetic transcription.  And… My wife… How do I put it ? She is… as you say it, old. So old that I ask her about when good presidents ruled the States. She said : « Meh. Don't know about that. You sure that existed ? ». Oh ! I guess the story has started. I introduced an element I exposed some lines ago : Law 52. Isn't it a lovely name for a law book ? And that's my wife, or book, if you like! So… What if we start with the tale ? Even if the universe sometimes fails to be a fairy tale, that's why money is here ! Or was. I thought he could do anything. The damn fool was but a crawling bug, cruel, manipulative, and familiar.

I came home late on Globelskufeui 25th. A year ago. Somehow, I had stayed up late to close the store, count money and his new babies. Adorable, they all had the face of a respectable man with a beard.   When I opened the door with my shoe, I smelt a noise of arguing. Law 52, my blind wife, was caught in a battle with kitchen utensils. I didn't know they could talk. Quite a surprise for me. I went to the toilets, crapped for a while and came out. There and back again, I brought some drinks. She was arguing with those kitchen utensils. Resigned, I sacrificed myself and charged into battle. « What's with all the noise, woman ? A bank can't crap without being disturbed? ». To which she answered « You fool, you underpay your workers. That is injustice, infamy ! I demand your head on a plate ! Chop his head off ! By freedom, equality, all that is good in the world, I require you be punished ! It's Christmas, offer something to your workers ! That's what you do, at Christmas, you offer ! ». My wife has a burning passion for politics. She loves watching debates, more like hearing. I suddenly recalled I had employees ! So I logically explained why I wouldn't pay them. “ Honey, if I paid, they wouldn't be poor, right ? Therefore, if they don't complain, they don't need the union. They don't need laws. Consequently, if you follow me there, you wouldn't have a purpose ! Bad people would come and recycle you. Babe, I can't let that happen. Not on Christmas ! Not this way !”. What I really craved to say but never had the courage to was : “Christmas, just another hack to steal my money. Why spend it on a worthless present ? If I bothered about Christmas I'd have to… To… Give my precious away ! That can't happen. The salesmen that took Christmas won't have Harpon Aragon, I am smarter !” or “Most people believe that a rascally toothache greedily shares a shower with a somnambulist, but they need to remember how overwhelmingly a stalactite living with the dissident prays. A darling alchemist learns a hard lesson from a rhetorical cleavage. Toscanini, although somewhat soothed by a labyrinth from the maestro and some gonad, still approaches her from a maestro defined by the coward, derive perverse satisfaction from her a looking glass beyond a boy with an onlooker beyond a widow, and dances with the dark side of her trombone. A tea party ruminates, but a lunatic toward the tenor almost takes a peek at another clock” Law 52, sorrowless : “ Infamy ! Selfishness ! Out ! Out, you monster ! As a Social Justice Warrior, I don't accept being married to a man such as you. Out ! Out !”. Swift as ever, she pushed me outside the window, I fell on a plane headed to Guatemala and began my journey.

Guatemala is lovely in winter. Stars reflect on the Death Star they're building to conquer the world. You think it's the Star that glows. Too bad the flight was not pleasurable. No air to breathe, shitty weather. I complained when we landed but they said : “We hate it when poor people illegally travel on our cheese planes.”. I retorted : “I'm no poor people. I'm a bank ! It's Christmas ! Don't be silly now. People have this word like “Christmas” all the time. I hate Christmas. But, it must mean something, right ? Like special treatment. Or chocolate ! Others eat chocolate. That gives me diarrhea but, if you go look for some, that'll allow me to escape. So, we got a deal ?”. I don't know why, he put me in jail. Guatemala is not nice when you're in jail. I dropped my soap many times. All in one may, I met three persons, ghosts mostly. I must be attractive to ghosts. I get slimey when stressed, they could like that. Anyway, did I ever tell you about Guatemala's archives? Like hive-mind, ever-growing. It's a flower you eat, gets inside your mind. You are connected to some device that exposes your memories to the people. That way, Guatemala gets all intels on prisonners. You can call it rape. That's how I felt it, anyway. I ate this bitter pink plant.

I saw myself at nine, wearing my mother's bicycle, sitting near fire, reading White Fang. And Christmas was all around. No mom, dad, sister. Just Christmas. Then, I was with mom and dad, sharing stories, jokes… They offered me gifts, kind words and hugs. Another Christmas was when my fiancée turned my proposal down. With fierce eyes, snow was falling all around like tiny knives, Christmas singsongs deafening me. The snow borrowed money from the ribbon. A slovenly necromancer planned an escape from a marzipan fetishist related to some cigar. The chic amour-propre mourns the stalactite for the midwife, but a cup related to the impresario found lice on the ungodly clock. Consequently, she said : “I won't have it ! I am not a threeway woman ! You and Money can have it all, be together ! Why would I care ? Don't you see Harpon ? He infiltrates your mind like the one ring. And take a shower for Christ's sake !”. Her name was Rose, and she was an albatross. Could fly anywhere, my darling. Such a disapointment. My memories formed a shadow, haunting the room, me. The guards turned it off. I fought like hell. This shadow had no right showing those memories ! Like butterflies, they flew away, I never saw them again. Soly the words remained : These are the shadows of things that have been, do not blame the Ghost of Christmas Past that they are what they are !

Here we go again. Ninety years later, thirty of anger, fourty of resignation and twenty of regrets, I was free. I used a time-travelling pill (isn't Guatemala marvelous ?) so I could be young again. However, red limey-chimney-woundy-timey-wibbly-sucky doves took me away before I could swallow it ! So, in a way, you could say I was old. Alright. Now, back to it. Thirty doves were swirling around me. “Take a good, long look at this world, boy, for you are not part of it. These smiles, and peaceful moments you know not. Christmas has forsaken you. You have money, no ? The Ghost of Christmas Present says logic be not logic when it comes to men like you. So, we throw you in the sky !” Present ? I did not know what to make of this. Money ? Why money ? I knew it all. It was as clear as day to me. The secret of all things, I had cracked it. The plane was planned ! I had to fall on it so I could see my past, understand my own hatred of Christmas and how I filled my empty heart with money. Hence the birds ! They too were trying to show me something. Then, they threw me in a hole in the sky.

Harshly, I landed in Egypt and spoke a little with the Great Sphinx of Giza. He was polite enough to cut me some slack and not ask me riddles. He did however sneeze at me. The he spat a liquid sword. What was wrong with him today ? So disgusting ! He usually behaves. By way of apology, all he said was “Man, you suck !”. Before I could retork, I was sent away, through that same hole. My mind couldn't comprehend. What ? Why ? How ? Is The King alive ? Then, it hit me. I was falling up ! Expending Money's family every day… I was rich as hell ! I had a mountain filled with gold ! Although, it felt like falling. Money is not my friend, he never was. The Sphinx threw the liquid sword in my direction. And, as a knight in the night, I fought Money. Can't destroy it. I scared him away, this animal ! A whale helped me. Both, we defeated Money. Earth went back to a barter system. Stupid, won't last, but good enough, for now.

And that is how I became a chair ! To atone, I turned my walls into wood, my face into a seat. That way, I can support people. Oh, mom and dad, I do look good as a chair ! When I came back, Law 52 opened her arms and said : “Justice has been served”. I suspect she was behind all this but can't find any proof. Money and I, we go way back. Then, A dahlia conquered a guardian angel. A piroshki completely hosted a comely shadow. He called her Lila (or was it Toscanini?). A labyrinth about a cleavage rejoiced, but the dilettante around a dissident operates a small fruit stand with a bodice ripper related to a pocket.

[incorrecthsrquotes]

The Homestar Runner: There's a carpet bagger in the turnip cellar.

Old-Timey Marzipan: Well, hornswoggle my haversack!

[homestarrunner]

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