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authoralexharvey · 6 months ago

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INTERVIEW WITH A WRITEBLR — @wordwizards

Who You Are:

Buddy || He/it

My day job is at a dental implant laboratory, which I really enjoy, but I also have the passion for writing that I like to keep on the side. I'm also a bit of a lame college dropout.

What You Write:

What genres do you write in? What age ranges do you write for?

Horror, paranormal, and sci-fi. New adult and adult.

What genre would you write in for the rest of your life, if you could? What about that genre appeals to you?

I think I would stick with science fiction since I like coming up with rational in-universe explanations for the fantastical things that exist in my stories. But honestly, I wouldn't like being stuck with one genre.

What genre/s will you not write unless you HAVE to? What about that genre turns you off?

Oddly enough, as much as I like reading historical fiction, I don't like writing it because I can't stop myself from overthinking the historical accuracy of what I'm writing…even though I know readers wouldn't care. Just hard to focus on the story when I'm spending all my time worrying about which slang terms existed in the time period!

Who is your target audience? Do you think anyone outside of that would get anything out of your works?

I definitely write with the intended audience of people in my age group, but I could see why someone much older or younger than me might read my books. It's not just about relating to the protagonist's age, or relating to the protagonist at all. Well, I read many books where I'm definitely not in the target audience, and I do have moments where I have to think, "Okay, I can tell this is not for me," but I also find it interesting to get other people's perspectives through the things they like. (And I'm kind of just over-analyzing because that's all I do with fiction now.)

What kind of themes do you tend to focus on? What kinds of tropes? What about them appeals to you?

When it comes to specific tropes, I like working with ones that I am currently interested in researching. For example, my latest interest is '50s alien invasion movies, so I like researching things common in those films and using them for my current project. As for themes, I've noticed that family is a big one, of course focusing less on "blood is thicker than water!" and more on things like how your parents affect your adult life and how to find who you consider your family. And since I have fairly character-driven stories there are usually themes of things like self-worth, figuring out your identity, or stuff like improving on yourself.

What themes or tropes can you not stand? What about them turn you off?

One that really gets on my nerves is when authors just randomly pair up side characters for the sake of a happy ending to the story, even though you have no reason to care about the characters dating. I find it annoying because I know the author is thinking to themselves that there has to be romance for the ending to be happy, but I don't see why that's the case! I've known many people unhappier in relationships than single, and seeing that in fiction is a reminder of how irritating people can be when you're happy to not date.

What are you currently working on? How long have you been working on it?

My main project is a story called Technophobia. Technically, I made the main characters in high school, but I kind of ping-ponged them around a few story concepts before coming up with an actual thing to write with them more recently.

Why do you write? What keeps you writing?

I just enjoy trying to translate things in my brain. I think it's good practice for if I get around to telling people how I'm feeling. And I keep going because I daydream constantly when I'm bored, so I come up with proper stories for them later.

How long have you been writing? What do you think first drew you to it?

I started writing for my creative writing lessons in the fifth grade, but I thought it was great and kept going after that. I liked reading a lot as a kid, I mean a LOT, and I also liked to daydream stories to help myself sleep. I didn't think much about proper story structure or writing techniques, but I had plenty of ideas, and it felt good to get it written down.

Where do you get your inspiration from? Is that how you got your inspiration for your current project? If not, where did the inspiration come from?

I think definitely from reading, and I'm not just talking fiction, though that's obviously very helpful in learning more about writing. But also nonfiction helps with writing a lot, and I think research is where I get most of my inspiration. It's nothing too fancy, but sometimes I'll spend a lot of time reading about something like radios, and I think, "Okay cool! What do I do with this?" and suddenly I'm writing a story about a person who's obsessed with collecting shortwave radios!

What work of yours are you most proud of? Why?

Probably my latest rough draft just because I struggled to keep motivated with it and I'm very happy that I was able to finish the first version of the story!

Have you published anything? Do you want to?

I haven't, but I keep going back and forth about whether I want to or not. I'd definitely like to share my finished projects somehow.

What part of the publishing process most appeals to you? What part least appeals to you?

Honestly, when I consider publishing, it's usually because I'm concerned about money and wonder if monetizing my main hobby would help me out. And that's great, but that's also my concern - like when you see people avoiding the things they genuinely like to focus more on what makes them money about it. I don't want that to happen, but you know, bills!

What part of the writing process most appeals to you? What part is least appealing?

I love starting stuff when I first have the inspiration and motivation, and the idea is all "shiny new". But finding out when to be finished is so hard for me because I keep overthinking it! Eventually I just need to tell myself, "Okay, it's done, it only looks bad because I've been reading the same passage all day. Leave it alone!"

Do you have a writing process? Do you have an ideal setup? Do you write in pure chaos? Talk about your process a bit.

I feel like calling it a "process" is a little too formal for my mess, but usually, I go to the desk in my bedroom and listen to music loosely connected with whatever I'm writing (the current project involves a lot of '80s hair metal) to write. I'm also fond of writing in Comic Sans to make it seem less serious (and then switching it to a fancier font that I prefer later), and if I'm extremely worried about getting embarrassed by what I'm writing, I'll use the Wingdings font. I also keep an Excel Spreadsheet where I track my writing periods. I put in the start and end time and the word count change, and I have a variety of formulas going to keep track of what I'm doing daily/monthly/yearly. For the first draft I like to just start writing whatever, and I tend to keep it very short, like maybe 10k words. After that I start doing a proper story outline and I keep a lot of notes of things I liked and disliked about the first little story I wrote. I try to get as detailed as possible to help myself out. I have a bad habit of constantly rewriting the first scenes so I'll often just write "PUT A BETTER INTRO" which is also what I do for school essays.

Your Thoughts on Writeblr:

How long have you been a writeblr? What inspired you to join the community?

Probably 2 years. I had a sideblog and then I wanted to make a new blog so I just made it my writeblr. I got tired of the other stuff I was posting on social media and I decided that I should just focus on the stuff I like, which is my own projects, so now I have that.

Shout out some of your favorite writeblrs. How did you find them and what made you want to follow them?

Man I love all my mutuals!! I've been in a writing server created by @writing-with-melon and it's a really positive experience. Also I read the first draft of @lady-grace-pens 's story and it's awesome!

What is your favorite part about writeblr?

I just think it's cool that you can see a bunch of different people at wildly different stages of their projects. I like to go into the main tags and see one person talking about getting published, immediately followed by another person talking about how they're just getting started. I also think that helps you feel less guilty about where you "should" be in writing.

What do you think writeblr could improve on? How do you think we can go about doing so?

Personally, I find it very annoying when a blogger is saying that no one shares their posts, but they rarely share other people's posts. I think people are scared of burying their own stuff, but now they're all too afraid to interact with one another! I don't know how to fix it but I do keep separate tags for my writing and stuff I'm reblogging, so that might help, or reblogging your own stuff multiple times? I don't know, but I just try not to be bitter towards people on my blog.

How do you contribute to the writeblr community? Do you think you could be doing more?

I like to go into the main tags to queue things on my blog often. I do also try to tag commentary when I'm sharing someone's story, but I feel like I ought to be more detailed with those, and I definitely want to send more people asks - especially when they share ask games.

What kinds of posts do you most like to interact with?

Love sharing short stories or snippets people post! I just like reading all that.

What kind of posts do you most like to make?

I keep dropping random lore about my stories when I feel like it.

Finally, anywhere else online we may be able to find you?

I'm not really anywhere else, but my personal sideblog is called @thehauntedbeach, and my Pinterest page is under the username wordwizards as well.

#iwaw #writeblr celebration #writeblr event #writing community #writeblr

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aspecpplarebeautiful · 1 year ago

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(feel free to ignore this one b/c there's too much asexual complaining/hopelessness in this lol)

Sometimes I'm like "I'm not a real asexual" because I worked really hard not to be one.

I don't believe there's a way I can have a happy life if I don't fix myself. I tried to act like it doesn't bother me but it does. I was so sick of feeling like something was dead inside of me that was alive and well in everyone else. It was destroying me, depressing me, it was too much.

Idk how to say this but at some point I had to fix myself and grow up. I'm in my 30s and I have to compromise or become a different person or else I'm gonna get left. No kids, no ring, no nothing. And that's not the life I want. That's not the life I can afford! My friends are all getting married off and sharing expenses. Soon, I'll have no more roommates. Perpetual rejection can lead me right in to homelessness.

I worked HARD to train myself out of asexuality after 14 years of regular arousal training and making myself be in normal relationships. And when I finally feel like I'm a normal person and I can leave this behind me, someone will complain about not having sex in a few weeks and I will blue screen like a broken computer. Like what do you mean that upsets you.

My desires will never be that strong no matter what I do. I could never get MAD or pent up because I haven't..... used someone else's body for pleasure. No matter what I do, I don't feel like I need it need it need it. I'm just not built to slobber all over another person and have that be most of my personality.

The asexual in me is very okay that I don't live like that, that I don't actually have those strong desires. But real life situations I get into every day remind me I must be broken. No one I've met in the wild relates to what I feel inside. No one. Just people online that's it. And that hurts so much more soooooooo so much more. I feel like the biggest freak on the planet. I hate this shit.

And, I feel like I have to sign up for another ten years of arousal training trying to fix myself even more until I get it because I can't support myself on a single income household in ten years I just can't. I need to be partnered with someone who isn't going to cheat on me and leave me in the dust because of who I am. And I can't handle false positivity with that because it has happened to me 8 times. One of my exes suggested surgery or drugs or conversion therapy and I hate that I'm considering fixing myself medically but I feel too burnt out and hopeless to not try it.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time, Anon. And it can legitimately be very hard to be asexual. One big thing though I'd like to point out is you keep talking about how you're wrong, but all the problems you point out are societal. Society makes it hard to thrive when you're single (both financially and socially), society makes it hard to have less conventional looking relationships. You are not the problem, Anon, the way our current society is built is the problem. It's external, not internal. And it can feel like you need to fix yourself, but you'll always be reaching because at the end of the way society will always still be the part that's actually broken.

I know you've probably heard people speak out against conversion therapy (and it is still conversion therapy when you're doing it to yourself), but one of the big issues with it that doesn't get mentioned as much is that it doesn't work. You just can't change who you are on such a fundamental level. And people go through these therapies and usually all they accomplish is becoming more traumatized and more confused. I know this is difficult, Anon, but this isn't a viable long term solution.

What I would really encourage you to do is find someone to talk to, it sounds like money is tight, but you can take advantage of free mental health services like 7 Cups, The Trevor Project, which are queer and asexual friendly. And they will help you navigate not just how to find self-acceptance, but financial planning and life planning. Even if you don't feel ready for this yet, please do keep this resource in mind.

There are other aces out there, it seems like there's not because once again we live in a society that keeps our orientation from us, and therefore keeps us from each other. I live in a city of 50k people, that means, even if we go by the most conservative estimates, there's at least 500 other aces in my city alone. Our orientation is kept from us, and a lot of aces don't even know there's a word for their experiences and a community. And this may sound like more hopelessness, but the other side of this is that asexuality is becoming more well known all the time, more local communities are starting to appear. Sometimes people can find other aces through local lgbtq+ chapters or Pride events. Sometimes there's an in-person asexual meetup group near you. Some major dating apps now let you put your orientation as asexual and filter for other aces. Even outside of dating, connecting to the asexual community can be really healing.

Sometimes it can seem like you're the only one, and because of how ingrained it is in society dating and sex go together, allosexual people who we date can sometimes act in a way that makes us feel like what we want isn't possible. If this happens multiple times in a row, our brains are pattern based, you hit this wall enough time, your brain says 'there is no going through this wall', and it will feel true whether it is or not.

Another thing you should consider looking into is what government programs exist in your city/state/province/territory/country. A lot of time there's financial resources out there that aren't very well advertised, especially if you're in a lower income. And often they depend on people seeking them out themselves. It won't hurt to do a few google searches or check what local organizations exist.

I know this is probably a lot, and I things probably feel very bleak for you right now, Anon. Unfortunately you can't flip a switch and suddenly accept yourself, you can't just fix society and wealth inequality. My advice would be though to try and take things one step at a time. And don't be afraid to reach out. And feel free to send as many asks here as you like too.

Take care, Anon!

#vent post #aspec antagonism #conversion therapy cw

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sharysisnhmoonshadow · 5 months ago

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To the tiktok sound: MOONSHADOW, PLEASE TELL ME YOURE ALIVE AND ACTIVE, AND MY LIFE IS YOURS

Also I went back to reread The Gift and Running Uphill and they remain some of my favorite fanfics in existence. I've been following the Gift since I had found it on Ff.net and I reread it like "man I hope this author is okay" so I came here to check

Even after all these years of sharing and reading stories the kindness of fandoms never cease to amaze me. The last thing I expected today was a welfare check by one of my readers! You reaching out just to check on me warms my heart in a rather unexpected way, and I appreciate it in ways I cannot express. Seriously, it means a lot.

And because it means a lot, the “am I okay” question deserves a real answer.

I’m currently doing okay, but it took a lot of work to get here. And I’m still taking new strides every day. The last few years have been insane, and not just for the obvious reasons, and the result was me being emotionally depleted. I was dealing with burnout and compassion fatigue, and had some real emotional lows stemming from both work and personal life. It took me buckling to finally start the healing process and set healthy boundaries. In recent months I’ve been really focusing on the things that make me happy: Time with my fiancé, time with my horse, and setting creative time for myself. I’ve been out taking nature photos, dabbled with painting and resin art, and rearranging my island in Animal Crossing. My story muses only recently started talking to me again, and I’ve been reminding myself to just listen to the moment, and not try to force myself to work on something because I feel obligated. I’m rediscovering my love of writing by allowing myself to jump from project to project, and it’s been fun diving into old projects while also planning new ones.

I really am okay. I have a wedding to plan, and stories chattering in my ear, and I live for those late afternoons where I’m listening to podcasts while I brush out my horse’s tail.

Seriously, thank you. Seeing this in my inbox made my day. Sending you all the virtual hugs.

#my life #remember to be kind #especially to yourself #fandom can be such a beautiful thing

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chaotic-omnisexual-squirrel · 1 year ago

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i actually love being trans.

this is kind of a weird thought process but i was watching this video from noahfinnce

youtube

and in it he talks about the notion of shame around coming out and being branded as trans, and this is just my opinion, and my experiences.

but i really do just love being trans, and being queer.

like i have also struggled with being branded as "the" trans guy and "that" gay group, at my old school. but honestly after 1. moving schools to a mixed gender school and 2. moving away from my old friends and finding people that are like, yeah you're queer, and we love you for that, but that's not the only thing about you.

but now i don't really mind it. i know i'm trans and i know i'm very deeply queer. and a big thing is that i know that my complications with gender and pronouns and presenting is directly linked to my neurodivergency and other mental health issues, and i know that if i was born amab or intersex that i would still be very deeply trans and have a very queer relationship with my gender.

and stuff that i create is also very linked with my queerness. my writing and my filmmaking is very queer, and while it isn't a focal point, the focal point is the fact that i know i have those skills and i am making art, art that just so happens to be queer in terms of content.

and the way i present, i wouldn't say that it is "art", but i do put a lot of effort into how i present, and i think a lot about the details of how i present, in terms of outfits and makeup. i do present very "femininely", sometimes cause just in my head it is very funny, but also cause it makes me feel good about myself, and the days that i feel the best about myself are when i look at myself in the mirror and i just think i look queer.

and with that i do think that signaling can be very important. like when i had just come out and i felt like absolute shit, it was so important to me to see other queer people, whether in physical spaces or online spaces. just seeing like a pride flag or doc martens with rainbow laces or pronoun pins made my day about two years ago.

but now i am kind of just constantly in queer spaces, and i think i've grown so much in terms of my relationship with myself and my confidence and my queerness. a year ago i probably would've cried if someone queer called me a fag, or if someone was "too casual" in terms of their identity. but now i'm in a deeply queerplatonic relationship with my two closest friends, in the way that we kiss and cuddle all the time, and we are okay making jokes about having mad gay sex.

and i have genuinely never been happier.

i've been at my current school for a year and i love it. it's an art school and it's such a good place for queer and neurodivergent kids, and the community there is fucking fantastic. i got so worried about going into the male bathrooms when i had to get changed, but i was really worried for just no reason, and when this cis guy who just looks like he'll be the one to bully trans kids just walks in, doesn't even blink, and just starts talking to me about a film project we're working on.

and another thing is i have started getting better seriously, in terms of mental health, i started on anxiety meds and antidepressants a few months ago and it's helped so much. old friends used to worry me about becoming medicated for something that at that point of my life i was still in denial about having, but i genuinely feel great.

but on the flip side i do still have dysphoria, and i still worry that i'm "faking" being trans. i can't look at my chest, i still have to have showers staring at the ceiling. and i always worry about having my period again, cause i've been on hormone blockers for 2 years now, and i'm just switching my medications now. but two things that have helped me with dysphoria and that imposter syndrome have been that i need to remind myself that what ever i feel is mine, no one else can dictate what's going on with me, and the second thing is that i shouldn't have to live up to anyone's expectations of what a man is, or what a trans guy is, or what medical treatment i should be getting.

and i've had so many issues with feeling fat and that seeming like i'm not "masc" enough, or having issues with exercising and just feeling like shit cause people perceive me in that way. but genuinely, fuck them, fuck anyone who thinks that. i'm not at a stage where i'm completely okay with my body and myself, but i am at a stage where i know that it is mine to be okay with, and my gender to decide and my presentation to design.

anyway, this was a kind of long rant, but i just love being queer, and i love being trans, and while i obviously don't want to be known as "that" trans guy in any context, my relationship with my gender and my sexuality will always be a part of who i am and i love that.

(also i hope this comes across, but this is absolutely not a hate thing on noah, i love his content and i love his music, it's just he has a different perspective on gender and identity and that got me thinking about all this stuff)

#noahfinnce #transmasc #transgender #trans rights #f slur #f slur tw #f slur cw #trans stuff #gay #achillean #mlm #trans joy #trans positivity #transitioning #trans experience #gender euphoria #trans #trans pride #Youtube

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carbo-ships · 1 year ago

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I wonder why they don't want him anymore 😞😭 Ardis stole him away I guess

Reading that this morning made my heart hurt, uhg. He seems to be doing okay, though. General vibe is "the past is the past, let's see what comes next". I'm also reminding myself that this likely all happened several months ago, whereas the rest of us only just found out in the past couple weeks. I imagine the last-minute US tour was a nice change of pace, though, rather than just being sat at home watching the internet lose their minds.

For those joining this program already in progress and have no idea what we're talking about, the guy who plays my F/O on stage was unexpectedly replaced a couple of weeks ago and nobody knew what was going on. Like, curtain came up and somebody else was playing his guitar. Not unprecedented, the band cycles through members every now and then, but everyone was really surprised since the guitarist had been in the group since 2016 and had indicated he had no intention of leaving any time soon. Initially fans were speculating that he was probably just busy for the first couple dates of the tour and he'd be back later, or that he'd chosen to leave to pursue other projects. However, he confirmed yesterday that he is no longer in the band and that it was not his decision.

He's recording new music in between gigs right now (I think he'd initially planned to do that here in the UK before getting sent overseas unexpectedly, so his current setup is soooo relatable, my group recorded the exact same way in undergrad lol), which I'm excited about. Looks like his primary concern is just sorting out the best way to keep bills paid now that his situation's changed. Current plan is to work on his own music for the next couple years and see if that plus doing the occasional gig with friends' bands is sustainable (plus a big merch sale when he gets home in a week, so keep your eyes peeled for that if you're looking to pick up some stuff from his other projects). We'll likely never know what happened behind the scenes (or at least not for a long time), but I'm glad we at least have the basics answered so my brain can stop going "AAAAAAAA WHAT'S GOING ON AAAAAAAAAAAA".

But yes, Aeth is snuggled up at home with Ardis. He isn't the young ghoul he used to be, after all! It's time he hung up the helmet and settled down, and Ardis was the catalyst for that.

(Yes, that was a pun. I'm very funny.)

#ask #anon

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rwwinton · 2 years ago

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Okay guys, you know I rarely make promo posts here, but since I just had to buy a new computer after my old one finally gave up on me (it did an amazing job for 7 years, rest well old buddy), I need to put this out here. But I’m going to include a short story at the end for anyone to read!

If you want to read about my gay Boston coffeehouse owner, Nathaniel, and how he and his friends end up basically accidentally becoming rebel spies and witnesses to the beginning of the American Revolution, check out Let it Begin Here. And if you want to read about my aromantic and asexual privateer captain, Miles, and his adventures with his crew of queers on a stolen British frigate, check out Where Cannons Roar. If you already read and enjoyed these books, please remember to rate and review them wherever you purchased them, and tell your friends! Reviews are incredibly helpful for indie authors! My books are not pro-war, they are more like slice-of-life in a world where people just had to do whatever they could to make it through.

I also have a Patreon and a Ko-Fi.

If you’re into queer fantasy, I have a few things on Tapas, including a current project.

And as payment for enduring a self-promo post, here is a fluffy short story I wrote last year when I got really pissed off about some Twitter (RIP) thread with the theme of “those poor women in the past who had to endure their gay husbands cheating on them behind their backs.” My response was a purely sweet polyamorous story instead, also set in my Revolution world but after the war. (Content warning for mentions of war and also a dude trying to deal with society’s ingrained attitudes toward sexuality in the late 18th century.)

Noah looked out from the window of his house and watched as his neighbor, Luther, tossed feed to the four chickens in the yard, then walked toward the field and the two cows waiting peacefully inside. Noah had nearly lost those cows, but they had been spared by both the British and American armies that had marched across his farm. Perhaps it was because Noah had been among the American soldiers and had informed his officer that the farm was his, and had offered up three other cows to feed his fellow soldiers. He'd had more chickens before the war had begun, and two horses, but they'd not been there when he had returned.

He and Luther had served together. They had been neighbors all their lives and, being close in age, had always been friends. They had faced hell and more together in the late war, watched men killed by cannon and musket, saber and bayonet. They had marched without end and with poor supplies. Battled Redcoats and the elements. Felt the terror of battle, surrounded by the smoke of gunpowder and the cries of the wounded. They had courted death and come out nearly unscathed but for minor wounds and the nightmares that plagued them both in the early morning hours.

One morning, not long after returning home, Noah had decided to walk outside after being awoken by one such nightmare. He wanted to watch the sun rise over his small farm, to see open space where his mind expected other soldiers camped close to him, to not fear the British beyond the horizon. A treaty had been signed. That was why he was home, after all.

Luther had been sitting outside his own house, which was close enough that Noah could see him in the soft glow of the dawn, but not call to him without being too loud for so early an hour. He had invited Luther over with a wave, and Luther had soon joined him.

"I wanted to remind myself where I was," Luther had explained. "It isn't easy to sleep again when the dreams wake me."

"Will you help me with the farm?" Noah had offered.

Luther had nodded. "I would love to."

And so had begun a routine that had lasted for nearly a year. Luther came to the farm every morning and helped Noah with his daily tasks. It had allowed Noah the time to return to his business of watch and clockmaking and repair to ensure he had the money he needed to survive. He had considered selling the land for some time and moving to town, but he enjoyed the peacefulness afforded by the farm that had been his father's, where he had grown from boy to man. He knew his father would not have objected to the sale, as he had always been supportive of Noah's desires to perfect a skill and grow a business. He had secured Noah his apprenticeship to learn watchmaking, using what resources he could to send his only child to Philadelphia to be educated. He had sold pieces of the farm to pay for it, and Noah had been determined not to disappoint him. He wasn't the greatest watchmaker in all the country, but he had many customers both in town and outside it - friends and family members of locals who saw pieces he had made or repaired and wrote to him for their own pieces.

His mind wandered to the piece he had been repairing for Luther's mother, and he dreaded how he would deliver it to her once it was complete. Perhaps he could do it while Luther was at work in the print shop.

A gentle hand touched his back and he momentarily flinched, drawn from his thoughts abruptly. Another benefit to Luther's assistance was that it had also given him the time to court Penny, another friend he had had since childhood. He had been stunned to find out she had waited for his return, ignoring all other suitors until he could make it clear if he wished to marry her or not. It was an idea he had never been certain of. He certainly loved her and had for much of his life, but concerns over his own nature had prevented him from doing what any other man surely would have done many years before. But, having seen war and death, he longed for the comfort of family. With his only living relation a brother who had chosen the other side in the war, and who had left the house in shambles when he had chosen to depart, Noah had had no one else to turn to. Luther had been there, of course, but surely he meant to seek the comforts of his own family and leave behind the painful ties of war.

The memory of having had those thoughts caused sorrow to flare in his chest. He had been so terribly wrong in so many ways.

Penny slipped her arm around his waist and set her chin on his shoulder, gazing out the window at the farm lit by morning light. "You have been unhappy for a time now," she said quietly. "And it has been nearly a month since Luther joined us for dinner. If the two of you quarreled, why is he still doing work for you?"

"I don't know," Noah admitted, swallowing his pain. "I truly don't know."

She sighed and gently guided him away from the window. They sat down at the table, where breakfast had been set out while his mind had been so distracted from the present. As she sat, Noah noticed, as he always did, the growing swell of her belly that was their first child.

"Will you tell me what has happened between you?" she asked. "I don't wish to see my husband so distressed."

Noah sipped his coffee, but it did not settle well in his stomach. He swallowed heavily. "I don't wish to burden your thoughts with me. You have far too much to concern yourself with."

She gave him a sharp look, an intensity in her gray eyes that he was not used to having directed at him. "Including the concern that my husband, the father of my growing child, is struggling with something that he won't discuss." She reached across the table and gripped his hand, her expression softening. "I love you, Noah. That is why I want you to tell me. You've told me of the war, of the things you experienced - though I'm certain you failed to tell me some of the most terrible details. Yet you won't tell me this?"

Noah squeezed her hand and looked away. "It is because I love you that I don't wish to tell you."

How could he? It would destroy them. It would destroy their marriage and their family before it was truly formed. A family was all he longed for, and he could not lose his.

She sighed and stood without finishing her breakfast. "Speak to me when you've come to your senses," she told him as she left the room.

"Wait," he said, surprising himself.

She stopped and turned to him, walked up behind him and placed her hands on his shoulders. "Go on, love."

He did, before he lost his courage. His body shook as he confessed the truth, spoke the confession he had secretly longed to make. He told her how, nearly a month previous, Luther had assisted him in repairing the fence. The weather had turned on them, but they had persisted until the first drops of rain had become a torrent. They had run to the barn with the intention to return to their work once the downpour had ceased. They had arrived sputtering and soaked through, and had laughed at the absurdity of the situation. Luther had stumbled in the near darkness, and Noah had caught him, and they had laughed again. They had laughed until something had come over them, standing there in each other's arms, and then they had kissed. For Noah it had felt like the awakening of something he had long repressed, and he was powerless to stop, to remove himself from Luther's arms or end the passion growing between them. And so they had pleasured each other there, in the nearly empty barn, their moans and gasps lost in the howling of the wind and the lashing of the rain.

But Noah had been consumed by guilt from the moment it had ended. He had left Luther there, looking painfully heartbroken, and fled to the house despite the continued downpour. Since that day he had not spoken to Luther, had not left the house when Luther was on the farm.

"I cannot undo what has been done," he concluded, still shaking and stunned to still feel Penny's hands on his shoulders. "But I am terribly sorry. You cannot understand how sorry I am. I have wronged you, sinned against our marriage twice over. I can only promise it won't happen again."

"How can you promise that?" she asked. Her tone was gentle, but her grip on his shoulders was tight. "Do you mean never to speak to him again?"

The thought pained him. He already missed their conversations and their quiet morning work terribly. Penny knew what he had experienced in the war, most of it, but Luther had lived it with him. He had seen the things Noah had seen. He longed for the same comfort Noah did. At first, Noah had thought that the sole reason for his attraction and his yearning for his neighbor, but he knew it went farther into his past than that. He had always desired Luther, always seen him as wonderfully handsome. Yet, he had always been able to ignore those thoughts and desires by reminding himself that such a thing was not right. He'd focused his thoughts on beautiful women, especially Penny, and found his desire for them to be just as strong. It was a relief, he thought, to feel that way, to be able to distract himself from handsome men and remind himself how he ought to be. But his shared wartime experiences with Luther had brought their friendship closer, and even as he confessed to his patient, loving wife how he had sinned twice over against her, he felt shame at being unable to ignore the ache in his heart over the loss of Luther's companionship.

"If that is what I must do," he replied, his voice tight, tears wetting his cheeks.

She squeezed his shoulders. "Do you love him?"

The question was unexpected and brought him pause. He cleared his throat and confessed, "What I feel in my heart when I think of him is the same as when I think of you."

"You love him."

He bowed his head, covered his face with his hands. "I do."

She sat down beside him then, and pulled his head to her shoulder. "Then how could I ask you never to speak to him again? How could I ask you to give him up?"

He pulled away from her abruptly. There were tears on her cheeks and she looked utterly, terribly sad. "I won't abandon you," he declared. "You are my wife. You carry our child. I'm a husband, soon to be a father. I love you, and I'm committed to you and our family. I can't abandon you for such a life of sin." A thought suddenly occurred to him and he realized what her words might truly have meant. "Unless you wish for me to leave. I understand if you don't wish for someone as vile as myself around your child."

"Our child," she corrected. She reached out and gripped his hand firmly. "I love you, Noah. I want you to know your child, and I want more than one child. I want you to be the father of them, because I believe you will be a great father. You are not unnatural or vile. You are as God made you to be, with the ability to love deeply. Had you told me it was only something done out of lust, not because you love him, I would feel different I suppose. But Luther is a good man, and I know he must feel similarly toward you. Look how he still comes and helps with the farm work despite you acting as if he no longer exists. You have known each other all your lives, just as I have known you all of mine. If there is love between you that is happily expressed through kisses and sex, who am I to deny that?"

Her frank words left him staring dumbly at her.

She ran a hand through his dark brown hair, flecked in places with gray, then caressed his freshly-shaved cheek. "I love you, Noah. I want to see you smile and laugh again, as you haven't since this happened between you and Luther. I want you to speak to him, to repair your friendship if he'll allow it. I want him to visit again, to sit at our table and be a welcome uncle to our children."

He could scarcely believe what he was hearing. "Penny...?"

She smiled and leaned forward to kiss his forehead. "There is only one thing I fear," she added.

He swallowed. "What is it?"

"That you will forget me," she said quietly. "That you will prefer his company to mine."

"No," he swore, reaching for her and holding her tightly. "I love you all the more for this and I could not possibly forget your kindness and love. If there is ever a time you feel I am neglecting you, I want you to tell me. Even if Luther won't have me now and it is only us. I have a duty to you, as your husband, and I don't wish to ever disappoint you."

"I promise you," she said, sliding her arms fully around him. "I love you, Noah, for all that you are."

"Thank you," he breathed, and then broke into sobs, face pressed to her shoulder.

That evening, Noah walked to Luther's house when he knew Luther would have returned from his daily work at the print shop. It had taken him some time to compose himself after his conversation with Penny. He had not even gone to town himself to work in his shop, which he knew would put him behind on several orders. But Penny's unquestionable love and acceptance had left him feeling raw and exposed, yet not in a terribly bad way. He could put forth no other words to describe how he felt. He and Penny had spent the day together, assuring each other of their love. They had made love in the afternoon, and afterward Penny had listened thoughtfully while he had attempted to decide what he would say when he went to speak to Luther and offered her own advice.

He still felt terribly unprepared as he walked to the door of the house. Smoke drifted from the chimney, telling him that someone was home, though he didn't know if it was Luther or his mother. He took a deep breath and knocked.

It took a long moment for anyone to answer, but the door opened at last and Luther stood in the doorway. He looked disheveled, pieces of his dark hair fallen from his queue and his plain blue waistcoat partially unbuttoned. His face looked drawn, his eyes shadowed and stubble evident, the scar on his cheek from the ball that had nearly cost him his life or his jaw standing out among the dark shadow of hair.

"Noah?" he asked, his surprise obvious in his wide brown eyes.

Noah was immediately uncomfortable and his heart ached at the thought of what his appearance might mean. "I shouldn't have come unannounced," he said quickly. "I'm sorry if I'm interrupting your evening."

He almost turned to leave, but Luther seemed to realize his meaning. "I'm alone," he said quickly. "Mother is visiting her sister. I had a drink and fell asleep by the fire. I haven't been sleeping well."

Noah shifted uncomfortably and nodded, feeling foolish. "I'd like to speak with you."

Luther stepped back and motioned for him to step through the doorway. "Come in."

Noah did so and followed Luther to the chairs by the fire. Luther poured them each a drink, then sat across from him. He looked uncertain and swallowed a long drink of his whiskey.

"I wanted to apologize," Noah began.

"No need," Luther replied before he could say anything more. "It was wrong of me to instigate what happened between us. I didn't mean to cause you or Penny any pain. It was selfish and thoughtless of me."

"I'm sorry for leaving so abruptly," Noah continued, ignoring Luther's apology. "I hurt you. I should not have run as I did. What happened in the barn that day was something I had wanted to happen between us for years. Many years."

Luther appeared surprised. "What of Penny?" he asked. "I know you love her. You always spoke of her and wrote to her constantly."

"I do love her," Noah said with a nod. "The way I feel about you is the same. You mean much to me, Luke."

A look of pain crossed Luther's face. "You mean much to me, but please, don't tell me this. I won't allow you to harm your marriage. Penny doesn't deserve it. I never believed in the the sin of sodomy because it hurts no one unless it's forced - and then those forcing themselves on others are guilty of something far worse. But adultery harms others. I don't want to cause her any pain when she discovers you have been unfaithful to her. I can't allow myself to be involved in any more of it."

"She knows," Noah told him, earning another surprised look from Luther. "I confessed it all this morning. She doesn't wish to come between us."

Luther looked away. "She's ending it then?"

"No," Noah assured him. "She accepts you - me - us. I admitted how I felt toward you and she wishes to make you a member of our family, if Uncle Luther is a title you are willing to accept."

"She wants that?" Luther asked, his voice tight and his fear evident, as if he didn't dare believe Noah's words.

"She does. She encouraged me to seek you out and right the wrong I committed by running from you. I love you, Luther, and Penny believes you are a good man. I believe it, too."

Luther wiped tears from his eyes. "How could such an arrangement work?"

"I don't know yet," Noah confessed, "but I know we will sort out the details and find a routine that pleases all three of us. I believe it possible, and Penny does, as well. It is only a question of what you wish for, what you desire."

Luther laughed lightly. "I desire you, and the ability to tell you everyday that I love you. I wish to share our pain together, and comfort each other. I desire to dote on your children and spoil them as an uncle would, as neither of my sisters seem ready to give me nieces and nephews to fuss over. I wish to be a friend to Penny so she need not fear that I plan to steal you entirely away from her. I love you, Noah, and what I desire more than anything is to share a life with you, if you'll have me."

"Of course I will," Noah replied. "If the world were different I would have thought to marry you before I thought to marry Penny. She is a true friend and I love her dearly, but she did not endure what we have endured together. She knows me, understands me, but you know me from our shared experiences. But I want children, a family, also."

Luther chuckled. "I certainly can't give you those."

"You used to tell me you weren't certain if you wanted to marry and have children," Noah said, thoughtful. "Do you truly mean that?"

Luther shook his head. "I don't wish to marry or be a father, but it would have been difficult to admit the truth when it is all because I have no desire for women. I have always expected to support my mother until she is gone, then see to any children of my sisters. Had my father lived to see me now he would certainly have his own opinion on the matter, but Mother simply wants me to be content, even if it means lifelong bachelorhood. I think now I truly will be happy."

Noah stood, and Luther followed. They embraced and held each other as tightly as they were able. Noah felt Luther tremble and tightened his hold even more.

It was some time before they released each other and dried their eyes.

"I love you," Luther whispered.

"And I love you," Noah replied.

"Will you stay a few more hours?"

Noah smiled. "I would love to. Will you come inside for breakfast tomorrow? I believe Penny wishes for us three to talk."

Luther nodded. "Of course." He then leaned close again and, cupping Noah's face with both hands, kissed him softly.

The kiss quickly turned passionate, and only ended long enough for Noah to follow Luther to his small bedroom.

When Noah returned home it was only slightly later than he had originally planned. Penny had not waited for him, but had gone to bed without him. He changed quickly into his nightshirt by the light of a single candle, hoping not to disturb her, but he heard the bedropes creak as she turned over on the bed to look at him.

"Did the meeting go well?" she asked.

"Yes." He extinguished the candle and slipped into bed beside her. "I believe all is well. He will join us for breakfast to discuss it."

She found his hand in the darkness and squeezed it. "I'm happy to hear that. I had hoped it had gone well and that was why you were delayed."

Noah chuckled. "That is precisely why I was delayed, yes." He rested his head against her shoulder and drew a deep breath. "Thank you."

"Of course," she murmured. "You are more than welcome."

When Luther entered the kitchen the next morning, Penny did not hesitate to embrace him, and he did not hesitate to return the gesture. She kissed his cheek and welcomed him, and Noah saw the tear that escaped his eye.

"You are welcome in this house as long as Noah desires it. I visit my mother and sisters often, and I have much to do myself. Don't allow my presence to disturb you."

Her frankness seemed to surprise Luther, but he nodded. "Thank you."

"Of course," she added, "once the babe is old enough to notice things, more care will be needed to ensure your safety."

"When the time comes I may simply add a lock to the barn door," Noah suggested, only partly in jest.

Luther smiled at that. "And there is my house, though my mother needs to be considered." He turned his gaze back to Penny and took her hand. "You will never truly understand how grateful I am to you, and I promise I will never seek to demand Noah's full attention. We both love him, and he loves us both. I thank you for this opportunity to become a member of your family."

She smiled and patted his cheek with her other hand. "And I promise the same to you, for the same reason."

Noah, feeling deeply emotional, stepped forward and embraced them both, thankful to have such an accepting future.

#historical fiction #queer historical fiction #amrev fiction #writeblr #queer author #queer books

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conflictandscotchblog · 1 year ago

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Corporate Bundles of Joy

Recently, a friend and I went to a bar where another friend, Traci, is a bartender. She just started a new day job and told us how her company sends her to HR (Human Resource) classes, has her watch videos, and basically she finds it very hard to stay engaged. Reminded me of my first days at AT&T, back in the eighties.

After general introductions, I was placed at a desk within a six-foot-tall-walled area filled with a dozen desks. Once seated, I was surrounded by strangers at the time who, all these years later (for those alive), are still my friends.

After reading a binder about Alexander Graham Bell, and the founding of the company, I was given my first real task.

Apparently, the organization I was in were about to convert an old online General Ledger to a new one. At this point, in the infancy of my finance career, as far as I knew, General Ledger was an officer in the army (he’s not).

In the morning, stacks of paper magically appeared by the side of my desk. My job was to identify, for each printed account, the old ledger code and corresponding code for the new ledger. It was all new territory for me, not only this finance arena I found myself, but this wear-a-tie-to-work-every-day place I landed.

Started to work.

I agonized over each transition I identified. In my mind, I felt that if I made a mistake, if I incorrectly matched one code with another, the entire process would fail.

This went on for days, maybe a week or more. I diligently marked one side of the ledger on the page to the other. After I created a bundle, of a hundred of pages or so, I tied them up, placed them in a file room as directed, and went back to work on the next pile.

When it was over, I appreciated a job well done, then moved on to a new project. I did not know what the next step in the ledger process was, but I assumed I helped them in some small way. In my new job, I was happy to be part of their future success.

Jump ahead several years, still worked in the group, but now I had a clear direction. Day-to-day, I knew what was expected of me. Small side projects always appeared, but I was on a defined path.

One day, a side task came up. It was simple, a few of us were to clear out a file room, throw out old, unneeded papers and boxes to make room for more current documents. This wasn’t anything new for me, being a big guy, I was often ask to move or lift heavier items.

I was also the guy that changed the water cooler bottle every time it was empty. Fun fact, that particular job I did right up until the day I retired.

Okay, back to the story.

Recycle dumpsters at the ready, we went through the room, and tossed one box after another. When one dumpster was filled, it was rolled away and replaced. Amazing how much paper we generate that ends up in the garbage. After a few days, we were almost done. The wall of boxes grew smaller and, once removed, it revealed something.

There, in the same corner I placed them a few years before, stood the bundles. They had not been moved, or touched. Back when my job was new, I agonized over each check mark, yet here they stood, never even been looked at.

“What do you want me to do with these?” I asked my co-worker as I gestured toward the bundles.

She took a quick glance over her should, then dismissively stated, “Oh, you can throw those away.”

What!

With great reluctance, I tossed each bundle, one by one, into the recycle bin.

I can’t tell you how many times, in the course of my career, that I worked on project, and never finished it. Either a new manager would take over, and want to put ‘their’ stamp on the project, or a budget changed, or simply what we planned on just didn’t work.

This was just the first.

So, welcome to corporate America, Traci.

Good luck.

#work #new job #Corporation #AT&T

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ahsokajackson · 1 year ago

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Whew, this is SUCH a good post, from beginning to end.

You know, fanfiction is what's gotten me back into fiction writing after being absent from it a good while and fearing maybe I'd lost the spark for it entirely and didn't have any stories really left in me.

And even so, my brain still goes into this weird mode on a regular basis where I get stuck on a project and/or feel overwhelmed and become worried that whatever I wrote previously is the last thing I'll write and I have no new ideas, no new words and turns of phrase left, and am no longer capable.

The tips about going back and reading your previous work, plus the comments (that, I need to do more!) really resonate with me. When I revisit my prior works, it reminds me that even if I feel lost right now: I, at core, am capable, I know what looks good, and by some miracle I do ultimately figure out how to get there. And honestly one of my most joyous experiences is when I reach that point in time where I'm removed enough from a story that it feels like I could just be reading someone else's work, and then it's good when I read it and I can basically laugh at my own jokes that I've forgotten by now, and fangirl over my own favorite moments.

I think something that really helps with this and with being able to accept praise rather than shying away from it is the constant awareness that it wasn't just me at work. Ultimate glory goes to God, plus there are the people I've learned from across the years. People like my writing?? Subhan'Allah / Barúkh HaShém! So being able to see myself as a vessel plus knowing I've had advantages like having my friend send me or help me find very high-quality writing that's helped me improve my own skills—that makes it easier to be able to celebrate my own work and also embrace others' celebration of it without that feeling awkward or overly egotistical somehow.

It also helps that I know the crazy amount of effort that goes into getting my writing to where it ends up. With how much time, how many attempts, and how much overall work it costs me, I am very okay with having that recognized and I have no wish for what I've accomplished to be undersold.

And then with comments, those help remind me of the things I enjoyed myself and also the experiences that I hope to give to my readers to enjoy. And one especially wonderful thing is that people will be able to articulate elements that maybe I'd sensed or chosen on an instinctive level but couldn't have put into words or identified before, and that's absolutely invaluable in terms of being able to pinpoint why a particular piece of writing did or didn't work the way I wanted, and it enables me to make more deliberate efforts in the future versus just hoping I come across the right elements again.

When it comes to reading others' works, yeah, that can definitely be a mixed bag for me. Sometimes it's actually helpful, but other times it can make me feel worse (like finding a concept very similar to mine but written far better than I feel capable of doing myself). Usually I find that I'll be fine if I read content from a different fandom than the one I'm working in. That helps me avoid too much direct comparison, plus I already tend to somewhat avoid similar works even when I'm not feeling blocked or otherwise unhappy, both to try to keep my own ideas more distinct/independent from others' material and because if I'm already immersing myself in thoughts about a subject throughout the day, I can really use a break. 😅😅

And if it's within the same fandom, then I'll still usually try to find something either with different focal characters or a very different storyline and/or tone.

And in general I find watching TV shows or movies is much less taxing for both my brain and eyes when I'm really fatigued and need a break.

But sometimes reading is just the thing. Just recently, I ended up reading this wonderful Batfam story that gave me an epiphany about a current WIP; the author was worried the story meandered too much, but I loved it and I actually realized that at least part of the reason I was stumped on my own work was that I was too worried about keeping the narrative moving forward and not giving the characters enough time to experience the present moments.

I do think the biggest mental break does come with doing totally different activities like the ones listed—cooking, crafting, exercise, et cetera. I will say most of that (aside from my borderline-compulsive habit of pacing, especially when writing…) counts as additional work/strain for me, though, especially with my health issues, so watching TV and reading can be better breaks in my individual case. Social media is stressful as heck and often the negative, restlessness-sparking sort of distraction, so I fully relate to mostly avoiding that, though.

But I do find that chore time is often some of the best brainstorming time and more productive than agitatedly staring at a page—as long as I remember to make use of it.

Talking things out with my best friend, who's also a writer and constant brainstorming companion, is another thing that helps me work through both the writing problems themselves and my own doubts and frustrations about myself and the process of writing. (I suppose that's a huge exception to the social-media thing. Though that's more akin to directly texting and conversing with a specific friend, versus randomly browsing content and dealing with…everything else.)

I think a good final note here is that well before I started writing fanfiction myself, I saw both formally published works or Hollywood media that was utterly mediocre or worse, and I also saw fanfiction that absolutely blew it out of the water and was right up there with the high-quality official or traditionally released material. So I've already been adamant for years that BOTH categories have lots of lousy material to wade through, and BOTH also have amazing, wondeful creations and creators.

I always point to SapphireAlena and her Star Wars novels. I'll easily take those over Disney's trilogy, thanks—all day, every day!

It always gets to me that solo creators doing unpaid work will sometimes do far better jobs than whole teams of writers and editors who are actually being hired to put out quality work. Bloody heck, people.

Anyways, awesome, awesome post and those are my contributions to the discussion.

And here are the Batfam story & Star Wars content I mentioned in my add-on:

[Batfam story is Gen; some of the Star Wars content is Gen and some of it is M/F romance: sometimes more focal, sometimes more as an additional element alongside the action and adventure—much like the original movies, really.]

Question for fellow writers

How do you overcome/try to fight off the belief that your stories aren't worth it?

(or that your writing is 'only' good for fanfictions but that your original works wouldn't appeal to anyone?)

#writer things #writing #writing community #writers block #confidence #self care #self love #creative writing #fandom #fanfic #dc batman #batfamily #star wars #jason todd #cassandra cain #roy harper #alfred pennyworth #tim drake

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angelofthepage · 2 years ago

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"But there is one rule we all know and respect down here. Beware the ink demon." (And the spoilers associated with him.)

Hey folks, let's talk about spoilers and social media. The Bendy fandom is no stranger to reminding people regularly to tag their spoilers, there's an image that used to go around every time a new chapter was close to release asking for us to be considerate of those who couldn't play on launch. And likewise, there are a lot of people who just did not care and would not tag their stuff during the first game's release. Tumblr tends to be alright, but Twitter has some serious issues with it, and even with the mute and block tools, it's hard to avoid spoilers without logging out for the next month. I say this as a warning to all the new people joining us for this experience, since you might not be aware of what a storm you're in for.

So as you might expect, I'm here to say that tagging your spoilers would be a very good idea, and if you could do that while posting about Bendy and the Dark Revival, I would very much appreciate it please. For me this means tagging my own posts as #batdr, #bendy and the dark revival, #batdr spoilers, and #bendy and the dark revival spoilers if I share any of my thoughts publicly, and then blocking those tags so I don't see them from anyone else, just to fill in all the gaps in case someone uses one term but not the others. I'm also going to ask that you please not send any BATDR asks to my askbox until I've specified it's okay (I will post and tell you when that is, but my current guess is in early December, subject to change).

Bendy and the Dark Revival is a game we've been waiting for for a few years now, and everyone is so excited to see what's in store for this story. Just as I don't want that magic ruined for me, I don't want to ruin the magic for anyone else. I've had previous pieces of Bendy media spoiled for me on day one, and I'm not about that (looking at you people who spoiled DCTL's ending the day it officially released). I'm one of those people that can't get the game to play on day one, so I can't experience it for myself just yet. My hope is to follow SuperHorrorBro's let's play for the time being, given I enjoy his presentation style (also I just got done with his Hello Puppets Midnight Show playthrough and it was great, highly recommend it). He's good about not being too spoilery in the thumbnails and titles too, which I appreciate (seriously thank you for all your hard work Mike, you rock). Normally I would want to play a new game for myself, but I'd rather not have to log off of everything until after December. I have nutcracker stuff, Christmas projects, and voice acting to handle within that time on my other accounts. So this is the current plan.

To everyone out there excited for BATDR, I hope you all have a great time with this game, however you experience it, and that you get to choose how you experience it. Make use of the tools you have (I recommend implementing them the night before release if you're able to). Blocking, muting terms, tagging, using private chats on discord with threads and forums, readmore's here on Tumblr, extra slides with spoiler warnings on Instagram, you have a bunch of tools at your disposal to make your fandom experience and the experience of those around you a good one. I will be using all of those tools where applicable. If you bypass those tools and spoil the game for me before I'm ready to engage with the fandom, you will be blocked. I'm not someone that blocks on the spot normally, but this is one of those boundaries I'm firm on. If I can't trust you to be respectful of one of my few boundaries, I don't want you on my page.

Be safe and have fun out there, and be careful roaming through the inky halls!

#bendy #batdr #bendy and the dark revival #batdr spoilers #bendy and the dark revival spoilers #bendy spoilers #seriously dont spoil this game for me #i have had too many bad fandom experiences #this will not be one of them #long post

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jahayla-parker · 3 years ago

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Waves of Emotion: Tom Holland x Reader

“ @galaxyholland asked: Hey Love!I saw that your requests are open!I have an idea where Tom and the reader are working on a war movie. They film a scene of Tom's character coming back from the war (maybe with a broken leg and busted eye) and Y/N's character seeing him for the first time in years. They both get emotional and by the end, they confess their feelings for each other. Hope you like it!“

Thank you again for your request! I hope this lives up to your expectations! It is a bit on the long side, sorry!

Warnings: None, just ridiculously fluffy... oh and some fake injuries plus a few minor curse words

✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿

“Okay that was great, folks, take 20 then get over to hair and makeup and change for the next scene” the director Max yells as I finish my current scene. I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding in. The scene I just finished was one of the more emotional ones in the movie. To make matters worse, I’ve been reshooting this scene for roughly an hour. At least now Max liked my performance and I get to take a short break. Hopefully the next scene won’t be as rough. Plus, I get to see Tom.

I find myself grinning as I remove my mic pack and walk towards the corner of the set where Tom and I normally watch the other if we are not in the scene together. However, my smile quickly shifts into a frown when I don’t see Tom waiting for me or watching the scene I was working on. I know I shouldn’t be disappointed given he doesn’t owe me anything. We’re only friends and co-stars after all. Does part of me want more? Of course, but anyone in my position would. He is an insanely talented actor, extremely knowledgeable, ridiculously hilarious, and all around compassionate person.

I told myself never to fall for a co-star and until this project I’ve been able to keep that rule. This movie threw a huge wrench into that the second I started feeling this pressure in my chest whenever he’s around. Most people say it feels like butterflies in their stomach or chest when they fall for someone. For me, when I see Tom it feels like there is a spiraling ocean wave in my chest. It makes me nervous, giddy, and yet alive at the same time. While I’d be in bliss for the rest of eternity if he did, I know I can’t expect him to feel the same about me. No matter how many times I have reminded myself of that, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m feeling a repetitive sharp pang in my chest upon not seeing him. I suck in a deep breath and tell myself I’m just more emotional after the scene I just shot.

As I’m reluctantly making my way to my dressing room I hear someone snicker softly. I slowly lift my head up and turn towards the sound in confusion. Johnathan Bailey, who is playing my older brother Taylor in the film, is smirking at me as he walks over towards me. I raise my right eyebrow, silently asking him what he was laughing at. “What did those poor boots do to you?” he asks, pointing at my character’s “dirty” work boots. “What? Nothing, why?” I ask, feeling like an idiot for not understanding what he is referring to. His smirk never leaves his face as he leans onto the wall next to my dressing room door.

I was so close to making it into the privacy of my room and checking my phone before getting ready for whatever scene is next; yet, here we are. I just stare at him in response. I don’t have the energy or motivation left in me to joke back even if I knew what he was talking about. I also don’t want to be rude so I make sure my face is relaxed and not snarky as I stare at him. He scoffs teasingly and smiles “Y/N, you were dragging your feet so much down the hallway that I’m shocked there’s not a hole in the tip of the boots”. This makes my eyes go wide, I hadn’t realized my disappointment was manifesting through visible behaviors.

“Oh, oops… I’m just tired, that scene took a lot out of me today” I say, only partially lying. “It was a tough scene” he agrees, seemingly recalling his character and my character at their father’s funeral. “But, I think it had more to do with what didn’t happen” he says smirking again. “JB, I’m not sure what you’re referencing but I’m feeling a bit tired so I’m going to go get some caffeine from my dressing room before heading to hair and makeup” I say, trying to escape what I know he is referencing. “Y/N, you know you don’t have to lie to me about..” he pauses, looking around to make sure no one is listening, “your feelings for him. You already told me last week” he reminds me.

I nod, still regretting not being able to lie well enough to get through his accusations last Friday. I realize now had I approached my response as an acting exercise instead of a conversation, I probably would have been better at keeping my secret from him. “Fine, I’ll elaborate” he adds when I’m silent. “You’re upset because he wasn’t watching your scene like you two lovebirds normally do for each other, yes?” He asks. I glare at him as he says lovebirds knowing full well that’s not what we are. “I’m not upset. I’m…. disappointed” I correct him, placing my hand on the doorknob to my dressing room. “You know that doesn’t mean he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. I’m not saying I know how he feels, but this doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you back” he says, hoping to cheer me up a bit. However, all my brain decides to hold onto is the “he doesn’t like you back” portion of his response. I force a soft smile and nod. I mumble a quiet thank you and step into my room and close the door behind me as I feel my eyes well up.

Before I have time to get myself together all the way, I see I only have five minutes left before I need to be at hair and makeup. Cursing to myself, I squeeze my eyes shut hoping to stop the tears quickly so I can leave my room in an acceptable shape. This does nothing to stop the tears and I’m getting more upset as I think about how everyone will begin watching me closely to see why I’m crying and I can’t risk them knowing. All this does though is make it worse. I quickly push off my couch and over to the sink to splash my face with cold water.

Just as I’m flinching from the freezing water hitting my face, I hear someone knock softly before opening my door. I don’t look up, expecting Johnathan. “Hey Y/N/N, is it okay if we- … wait, are you okay?” I hear Tom’s voice ask tenderly as I hear him walk my way. I bite my lip and turn off the water, trying to nod my head slowly as to not shake water everywhere like a wet dog. “Are you sure darling?” He asks kindly, placing a hand on my back, causing me to stiffen my body. Tom notices and quickly removes his hand. I turn to face him and see what appears to be concern, sadness, and… disappointment? taking over his facial expression.

I offer him a kind smile as I dab my face with the hand towel. “I’m okay Tom, just been a long day” I say, setting the towel down. He nods looking down at our feet as he says “okay, if you’re sure. I-I didn’t mean to scare you or overstep by touching your back”. Is that what the disappointed look he had was about? I shake my head both in response to him and to clear my head of those thoughts. “You didn’t!” I say, way too quickly. However, he doesn’t seem to mind as his head snaps up and makes eye contact with me, a small smile reappearing on his unfairly handsome face. “Oh good” he says, a slight red tint peaking through the special-FX makeup of ‘dirt’ smeared on his face. I smile back at him, feeling a bit better about my day just by being with him again.

“You said your day was long, why is that?” he asks, placing his arm on my bicep while keeping eye contact as he blinks softly at me. How are his eyelashes so long?! I quickly squeeze my eyes shut and force them back open just as quickly to get myself to focus on the conversation and not how close we are right now. I can practically feel his breath on my face as he patiently waits for my answer. “Ohhh… ummm… just the scene earlier.. mostly” I say, unable to blatantly lie to him. He sighs tenderly and frowns “I’m sorry y/n/n. I know that scene was an emotional one. If it helps, you were killing it. Crap! Bad choice of words” he says, cringing as I giggle softly. He perks back up at that and continues “You were doing smashingly earlier love! Seeing your tears and raw emotion made my eyes water even though I knew it was coming” he says, his cheeks turning a soft shade of red again.

I grin widely at him, “wait, you watched me shoot the scene?!” He tilts his head slightly to the side as he raises his disheveled eyebrow, “I always do that. I love watching you act. Why wouldn’t I do that today?” I shake my head softly, “thank you Tommy” he blushes again at my nickname for him, “I just didn’t see you when we ended the scene so I figured you chose not to watch today is all”. He straightens his head as his mouth opens into the shape of an O. He sighs and moves his hand off of my arm and down to grab my hand in his leads me to the couch.

I follow behind him without hesitation, feeling the sensation of a spiraling ocean wave in my chest again. I watch as he sits down and softly tugs on my hand to signal he wants me to join him. I smile and nod before sitting down next to him, our hands still intertwined. I place my head on his shoulder and feel him turn his head slightly to rest his cheek gently on the side of my head. We both stay silent for a few minutes, breathing in tune with each other. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for the last few takes” he whispers, hoping not to break the tranquility. “You don’t need to apologize for that” I rebut just as quietly. “I do, I should’ve been there. If it helps, I wanted to be there” he sighs “but Lizzie needed me in costuming to finish that” he says, raising his leg into the air in front of us. Only now do I see the faux cast on his leg. I lift my head with a start in realization as to what that means.

He quickly shifts on the couch, dropping my hand so he can face me, “what’s wrong?”. “We’re shooting that scene today?” I ask, my voice wavering slightly. He nods tentatively, “we are darling. Max finally decided… what’s wrong with that?”. I take a shaky breath as I try to regulate my emotions, “just already emotional” I admit. He takes my hand again, holding it in his lap this time as he sits with his non-cast-covered leg bent towards him between us on the couch. “Y/n, I’ll be with you the whole time. We can both be emotional together this time. I won’t leave you alone, I promise you that” he says, causing me to have to take another shaky breath, for a different reason this time.

I bite my lip and watch as his eyes flicker down to my lips. “Deal, thank you Tommy. I don’t deserve you” I tell him blushing. He shakes his head rapidly and looks flustered before his eyes finally meet mine again instead of focusing on my lips. “You deserve the world y/n/n” he says as his eyes flicker back down to my lips and I find my eyes doing the same to him. I have to be blushing like an absolute idiot at this point but when he shifts his leg out of the way as he scoots closer to me, I no longer care. All I care about is him and this moment before us. He takes my chin in the palm of his hand as he slowly lifts his eyes back to mine. If I wasn’t feeling so lightheaded right now I would think he was silently asking me if he could kiss me. Before I can decide how to react, there is a loud knock on my door causing us both to stumble apart awkwardly.

“Y/N!” I hear someone yell through the door. I clear my throat as quietly as I can so my voice doesn’t break as I respond, “yes?”. “You’re late to hair and makeup! Is Tom in there by chance?” they ask in frustration. “Oh crap” I say as Tom also curses under his breath as we both turn to the wall clock and see it is way past time to be ready. “Yes he is” I say, mouthing sorry to him, as I don’t see a way out of it. He rubs the back of his neck and laughs softly as he shrugs. “We were just going over the scene” I add, hoping it helps. Tom stands up and holds his hand out to help me up. I smile and take it as I stand up next to him. “We’re coming” Tom says and we can hear the assistant walking off. I let out a sigh of relief that we’re not getting yelled at and we both laugh and look over at each other. “We uhh… should probably head to Natalie and Chris” he says, looking down. I smile at how he has managed to learn everyone’s name on set, including my makeup artist. “Probably” I say, instinctively squeezing his hand as I lead us in-hand towards the hallway. I don’t feel like letting go of his hand as we walk in silence but Tom doesn’t seem to mind.

“Okay, I know we’re all tired, but let’s run it again. More emotion this time!” Max shouts as he points at something on his clipboard while his assistant nods. I sigh to myself and run my hands down the front of my character’s dress. Tom notices and wipes his eyes as he steps closer. “I know” he sighs, taking my hand. I press my lips together in tension as I try to clear my mind. He opens his mouth to say something else when Max’s microphone’s connection beep interrupts him as Max begins to go on about how Tom needs to not look away from me my character during the most tense part of the scene, which ironically causes Tom to blush and look down. I get why he’s not looking at my character during that part, he’s trying not to get too wrapped up in the emotions of the scene.

“Hey, just focus on me” I whisper, squeezing his hand comfortingly. He looks back up at me and gives me a grateful smile. “And y/n, remember this is the first time Alissa is seeing her lost love Shawn in years. From the top!” Max adds and I nod at Tom. He smiles and lets go of my hand reluctantly as he makes his way to his starting point. I take a deep breath and turn my back to him to start the scene. “Alissa!” Tom Shawn yells as my back is to him. Johnathan’s character Taylor grabs my Alissa’s shoulders to turn me towards him as I’m supposed to be frozen in shock at hearing his voice. “S-Shawn? Is that y-y-you?” I ask, as I my character takes in the bruised eye and broken leg of the man she loves. Tom nods rapidly as he his character sprints to me.

I allow the tears to fill my eyes as I take a shaky grip of his arms. “It’s me, my dear” he says, eyes tearing up as well. “You look just as beautiful as when I left” he says as his eyes trail my body. I quickly pull him into my arms and he wraps his arms around my back. “I love you” Tom tells me. No! Tells my character, not me, crap this is getting harder after today’s event in my dressing room.

I pull back slowly as I look over his body again, “a-are you okay?”. He wipes the underside of his nose and smiles widely, “the best I’ve been in years”. While I repeatedly tell myself it is just his line, the way he is saying it feels like he is saying it to me, not my character. “And, this doesn’t hurt” I ask, reaching up and gently brushing his busted lip with my thumb; happy to have an excuse to look at his lips. He shakes his head, and although not scripted, his eyes lower to my lips again.

I look up at him and instead of saying my next line, I cup his face in my hands and stare at him as we both are still gently crying. Tom wraps his arm behind my lower back again and pulls me closer to him before he softly pressed his lips to mine. I let out an involuntary small gasp causing him to begin to stop but, not wanting the improved scene we created to end, I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him back.

We stay like that, arms around one another as tears stream down our faces as our lips dance, for what seems like a lifetime and yet not nearly long enough at the same time. The feeling that was once a spiraling ocean wave now seems to have crested and crashed onto a warm shore where the heat is so strong I can feel it fill my lungs. When we simultaneously pull apart but maintain eye contact, there is suddenly loud applause. “That’s what I’m looking for! That’s a wrap for today” Max cheers causing me to blush as I realize what just happened and how many eyes are on us.

I can feel myself wanting to cry as I take in the fact that while Max enjoyed the scene, I just messed up whatever friendship Tom and I might have had. Sure he kissed me. Well, he kissed my character. But, I started the improved section of the scene and took it that direction. He was simply following suit so I didn’t look like a fool. After all, he said he was going to be there for me with this scene. I stumble backwards as my legs don’t seem to be responding well to my brain screaming at them to bolt off set. “Y/n?” Tom asks, reaching for me.

“I-I…” I stutter before my legs finally catch up with my brain and I speed off the set and to my dressing room. I quickly shut the door behind me and sit on the couch, resting my head in my hands as I let myself truly cry for the first time today. “Y/N, c-can I come in please?” I hear Tom whisper from outside my dressing room. Not wanting to further ruin what we have, I mumble a yes without changing my position. I hear the door creek open and then hear Tom take a shaky breath. “Fuck love, I’m such a div!” he scolds himself as he mutters other things under his breath.

“What?” I mumble into my hands. “Div, it is British slang for idiot” he explains and I see his shoes line up in front of mine as I look through my hands as the floor. I sniffle and lift my head off my hands and notice he is now half kneeling, half squatting, in front of me, his hair disheveled as if he was running his hands through it harshly. “No, not that. I hear you calling your brother Harry that all the time, I pieced together what it meant” I say with a hollow laugh in an attempt to distract him from my tear stained face. “I meant why are you calling yourself that?” I ask, looking down at him as he continues squatting in front of my knees.

He sighs and closes his eyes for a moment, “okay, here it goes”. “Y/N I’m so terribly sorry if I upset you by kissing you just now. I clearly have not been handling myself the best lately and to be honest, it is because as I get to know you more I find myself falling for you more and more. That doesn’t excuse me kissing you when it was not scripted and I had not asked if you were okay with it. Truly I didn’t mean to hurt you by doing that. It is just after our conversation in here earlier today I thought maybe you liked me back and I let myself go and acted on my feelings. If you can forgive me darling, I swear I will do whatever it takes to be friends with you again. I can handle having nothing more than that, but I cannot fathom losing you entirely” Tom rambles causing me to tear up all over again.

“T-Tommy. I,” I sniffle, “I wasn’t upset because you kissed me. I was upset because I thought it was just an improv move to you when it meant far more than that to me as I’ve been falling for you too; so I was crushed”. Tom’s eyes widen and I notice he was tearing up slightly as well. “You.. you like me too?” He asks, seeming surprised. Knowing his feelings for me, I suddenly feel much more confident. Therefore, I slide down the couch to land on my knees in front of his crouched form and pull his lips to mine. I feel him smile into the kiss as he respectfully wraps his arms around my waist and brings us closer together. “Is that a sufficient answer?” I smirk as we pull away before biting my lip.

“To that question, yes. However, I have another one to ask” he says, standing up. I nod, encouraging him to continue. He holds his hand out towards me, gently helping me to my feet. “Will you go out with me?” Tom asks, a huge grin on his face.

✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿

I hope you guys enjoyed it!!! -Jahayla

#tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland x y/n #tom holland fluff #tom holland fanfiction #tom #tom holland #tom holland x co-star!reader #tom holland fic #tom holland friends to lovers #my writing #requests

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maudus1 · 2 years ago

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What are you currently working on? 💐

Oh gosh, what a loaded question 😅

Um, well, I've been kinda struggling lately and feel pretty bad about not updating/posting fast enough but I am still working on finishing my current WIPs as well as starting some new projects.

There's Let Go and Unleash, which has one chapter left (and potentially an epilogue, though that may come as a timestamp down the road, we'll see). It's an a/b/o pwp that was supposed to be short and cracky and fun but then my brain said hey, what if we inject like, a fuckload of internal conflict and feelings into this? My brain is kind of a dick like that.

Then ofc Troubled Water, which is a much longer and more time-consuming work. It's kinda personal to me I guess, as my first Obikin longfic, so I want to make sure every chapter is "perfect" before posting (although my friends and those few who do follow my work closely probably know I am a notorious over-editor so nothing goes untouched for very long).

From here to October, I have ObikinFest prompts to contend with. Idk if I can manage all four but I claimed them anyway just so I have the reminder. You never know when inspiration will strike, after all. There is at least one out of them that I am absolutely determined about though, and it's an undercover Sugar Daddy AU, so that'll be fun (I fucking loooove undercover missions okay).

I maaaaaay apply for the Obikin Zine as well. I don't wanna overload myself, but it's an incredibly short max and entirely doable so I know I would be doing myself a disservice in not trying. Idk that I would ever get picked, but in the off chance I did, I think it would be a cool and fun experience and I would love the opportunity to contribute to the fandom in that way.

So, that covers "obligation" type stuff. Aside from everything else, I also have like, a huge backlog of WIP ideas stored in a Doc. Basically every time an idea strikes me, I jot it down. Everything from canonverse to modern to time travel AUs. I'll share one with you:

That's how most of the Doc looks lol. Going on a few dozen at this point. I also have other WIPs that are more developed but not enough so to post yet. I gotta remind myself to be patient. I would rather perfect a work first than publish half-assed, cuz y'all deserve my best. 💙

Anyway, I appreciate the ask, and I hope this gives you some stuff to look forward to! Thank you 🥰

#anon asks #mau answers #fic talk #my fics #Obikin #Let Go and Unleash #Troubled Water

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tinyhistory · 3 years ago

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How do you not keep from losing inspiration and/or motivation when you write?

P.S. I hope you’ve had a wonderful day today!

Thanks anon, and thank you for such an interesting ask!

First off, I lose inspiration and motivation all the time. It’s totally normal and an expected part of the writing process. Sometimes I lose it for days, weeks, months. I lose it halfway through one-shots, I lose it two chapters into a story, I lose it a few scenes from the end of a longfic.

I never force it. Writing should be a place of joy. I don’t ever force myself to sit down and write, or set writing goals. I just acknowledge my current head space — “I’m not enjoying writing right now, so I’ll take a break for as long as I need. And that’s okay.” And then I go ahead and take that break.

I think you can work on your writing skills during that break, though, even if you never write a single word.

Further long-winded advice below:

Experiences.

Try to experience new things during your break. No, not all those very expensive and time consuming suggestions people often have (I am 100% not going deep sea diving or buying an opera ticket).

But you can listen to new music (I tried out some Gregorian chanting the other day. It was…different). Read some poems online. Go to a museum website — they often have virtual, free exhibitions. Look up events (festivals, celebrations, carnivals) in different places around the world — events you will never attend, but you’ll read about them anyway. Things that might later lead to a new idea or inspiration.

Notice Things.

Stop and look around in your daily life. From noticing a particular bird-call when you’re standing outside, to noticing the way the city smells after heavy rain. Or, if you live somewhere with a garden — even a tiny one — find out the names of the weeds in your garden. Look them up. Notice their different textures and shapes and colours. Tuck all of these things away in your mind, and next time you sit down to write, you’ll have a lot of details to draw upon.

Find Stories.

If you’re like me, sometimes you can go months (even years…) without picking up a book or a fanfic. You just don’t feel like reading.

That’s okay. There are millions of stories, all around us, every day. A conversation at a bus stop, the lyrics to your favourite song. A box of sepia photographs dumped at a thrift shop, two initials and a heart scraped into wet concrete.

And there’s bigger stories online; my local library network, for example, has digitised an entire collection of surgeon’s journals written by doctors aboard convict ships. It’s also digitised two centuries of local newspaper articles, and has uploaded a collection of mugshots from prisoners in the 1880s. Plenty of characters, plots, and settings await discovery. Look at your local history and archives.

Keep Creating.

Practise the art of creating for the sake of creation. Make mood boards or aesthetics that you don’t intend to show anyone. Have fun making a faux movie trailer for one of your stories. Make a drawing or painting of one of your settings. Or do something completely unrelated to your stories — do a tutorial on macramé, or try soap-making, or learn how to press flowers. Anything you want. Just go back and remind yourself what it’s like to create something just for the joy of it.

Something I do, when I’m going for a walk or spending time in a park, is make temporary art. I collect leaves of different colours, then rearrange them on a rock to create a rainbow. Or collect pebbles and arrange them to make a pattern. When I’m finished, I leave. I know when I eventually return, my creation will be gone. I won’t know if anyone liked it, or even noticed it. I won’t know if it naturally fell apart or scattered, or if someone destroyed it. I won’t know if it brought someone joy or not.

But that’s the point. Finding the part of me again that creates because of internal motivation (self-expression, enjoyment) rather than external motivation (feedback from others, reactions, responses).

And if all else fails:

So when you do return to your writing, it might be with new ideas for settings, characters, and plots. But if you find yourself still lacking the desire to continue a story —

— then don’t. Start a new story, if you’d prefer, or turn your attention to other stories you’re writing. If you still don’t want to write at all, that’s okay. Spend time on other projects. Things you are enjoying. Writing should be an old friend who greets you at the door, not a stranger demanding endless tasks and chores from you.

#answered asks #advice

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cooloddball · 3 years ago

Text

Someone submitted something in my inbox and they wanted to remain anonymous. Since this is an extremely long essay, I will put it under the cut. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

xxx submitted: hey, i was the one who ask what do you think of Misha and Jensen's current relationship First off all thank you for your answear it means much to me cause im easy to be convice and this person who keep telling me that they are no longer friends can be so convicing, so I'm actully trying to forget what she said 😅 so I'm just writing a few. she said that since they no longer work together, they will forget about each other, and do their common things like the gay jokes, face touches ect. With other people, and neglect each other, don't talk to each other, and then meet new people who will replace the other. And and she talked about the gish thing, she said she sure they didn't talk since the end of the series, because Jensen didn't know where Misha was and Misha didn't know about the Radio Company vol 2 (but i saw people say that, they were just pretending, because Misha liked something about Radio Company Vol 2, before the gish live, so in theory he already knew then or something like that) and She said Misha wrote a poem about Darius not Jensen and now I will write down what she sent me : I saw a post about Jensen's current activities on social media, and I've come to the conclusion the only person he doesn't interact with is mish. Sadly this makes my break up theory even stronger. I feel like this is a goodbye to one of the biggest parts of my life. They've moved on from "uk what I haven't told you today? That i love u"+ from "miss my only jensen" from "i love u misha i mean it from the bottom of my heart" from "jensen has no flaws" from "misha is the funniest thing ever happened to me" from all that love and affection from everything they developed together and now they're apart leaving their lives like nothing happened and call me a dramatic but they both have the same energy now as someone has after a big break up. and Jensen comments on almost every of his friend’s post except Misha’s"+ Jenmish is genuinely the best thing that has ever happened in my entire life. I owe them literally everything. They're the reason i hold on. Unfortunately on this essay i have to start using past tense verbs for them, and i have to continue on that. I don't know for how long y'all been in spn fandom. But even if u joined one year before the show ended you'd know how close and intimate jensen and misha were. Everything about them was unmatched.+ The chemistry and how they just fit eachother. They had always been all over eachother. Like they were holding on eachother for dear life. They completed eachother and were like world's most powerful thing. They were the definition of soulmatism. No matter where, they ALWAYS kept interacting with eachother. Each possible tweet or insta post. On cons that the other wasn't there, the other one would bring up the othere's name for no absolute reason. +The looks and repeated love confessions. How invested they were both into eachother. The family they had built together cuz we know how close dee and mish are (look all the charity work they've been doing together recently). There are youtube videos to proof everything I've said so far.When i say break up, my real intention is that they've grown apart. Everything started in the the third or forth month of pandemic. Before than jensen used to interact +(comment mostly) on almost all of misha's posts. But after a while everything just stopped. At first personally didn't care that much. Bcuz I believed too much in them that I thought not even the gods above could separate them. I told myself maybe they spend long hours chatting or video calling and that's why online public interactions are gone. But as it passed it almost diminished to zero. Except some likes from jackles and eventual ones from misha there weren't anything else.+ We got absolutely no content and the show went off too. We were helpless and were sticking to everything we had Dee had a big social media shot down, so as jensen. Misha was busy with the election. We got some interviews for it with all of them. But we didn't get much.except remember both of them pulling a bff

move. and texted eachother during an online con where everyone else were dead-serious about politics? That flickered something in me. That showed me that+ they can't ever possibly let eachother go. And the times everyone else were talking and these too would just talk random things together (the one jackels had a white hat on with stacy abraham).And then Misha posted that for jensen's bday We really overlooked it. That shit was too intimate. To close. Fav march baby? U just don't go around and called ur bestie baby and when u mean it deeply. Especially not when ur friend is jensen ackles the "I suffered form internalized homophobia my whole life+ but fuck my wife's an angel and i have an angel bf too and another angel which is his wife but I'd rather die than come out cuz my asshole dad pulled a John winchester on me". It doesn't work like that. But uk how mish is. Carefree and open. I believe they got into a fight bcuz of this. He didn't even like the post. AND that was when the tiny bit of interactions we had was gone too. For a while jensen didn't even liked his posts. After a month it started again.What made me finally believe in that they had grown too+ far: I still remember the night misha posted that he and jensen were going to have a con for gish together. I remember how hard I cried. Lile the whole world was given to me. But deep down in my heart I knew that something would definitely happen. It didn't sit right with me and unfortunately my senses never lie to me. Jensen showed up at the wrong time bcuz of misunderstanding the time zones (this was HILARIOUS). That's not even my point.+ I've seen that interview 3 times so far. It always reminds me of when i saw my ex at a party and we were both so thrilled to see eachother and we still loved the other dearly, but we just couldn't work it out. Jensen and Misha's expressions were EXACTLY the same. The genuine smiles and longs pauses were they just stared at eachother. I'm so happy that it was online cuz if they actually gave that looks to eachother standing right next to the other one I would've collapsed. Misha didn't know that jensen's album+ was out. And he got so embarrassed when he found it out. He didn't know that jensen was on set and hadn't been home for 8weeks. Jensen had no idea where misha was. And this means that they hadn't talked in a long long time.When you're that close with someone for more than a decade, i mean THAT close, even if u're separated from eachother you'd at least check on the once a week, or at least once in two weeks. But it was vividly clear that they hadn't. I hate how this world works. They would always be in my heart.+ I would be thankful from them for everything. It hurts, and it won't stop and im so sure I'd be carrying this pain for a long time. They mean too much to a lot of us. Sometimes I think to myself that god i love them so much. Remember in 2019 when we used to get SO many jenmishdee interactions? That was LIT. It was THEE year for us. I hope they're doing good. I really do. I hope we don't get more proofs and I won't have to update this thread. Cuz my heart won't be taking it very+ well.Something i gotta add U may say that Jensen's busy and that's why he doesn't comment. But he comments on a lot of jared and his new costar's posts. So that's no excuse. So yeah that's it. I don't know what am I supposed to think. english isn't my native language, so sorry for the mistakes

Here is my response:

I don't know who this person who has been talking to is but I have to say they seem to be project their previous relationship experience on cockles.

I believe Jensen and Misha are okay and are together. Social media likes and comments don't mean anything. I mean it's not like Jensen or Misha used to comment on each other's posts before. Jensen didn't even wish Dee Happy Mother's Day this year, does that mean they are not together anymore? Nope. He has other best friends he has known for over 20 years like Jason Manns, Steve Carlson etc that he doesn't wish happy birthday, does that mean they are not friends anymore.

Please let's not put value on social media likes. I don't even follow my own family on sm and I don't always like or comment on my bf's or bff's posts on sm. So it doesn't mean anything.

As for the Gish Panel, I have talked about it before, the time Jensen was slotted to attend the panel, he was meant to answer fan questions. I honestly believe they decided to not do it at that time because they knew the questions would be about Destiel and not their new projects. If you watched that panel, Misha knew that Jensen's album was out as I pointed out. He was just trying to promote the album and soldier boy. He knew Jensen had also buffed out. It was all to promote Jensen. Anything else you hear is trolls and antis just being loud. Also don't forget Jensen called him "babe".

If Jensen and Misha weren't okay, he wouldn't have attended or participated all those panels Misha organized especially for Gish. Danneel also posts a lot about RA and likes Misha's posts. I am 100% Misha visited the Ackles when he went to Colorado last month.

Stop listening to trolls and/or antis or just people who are projecting and look at facts.

#submissions #cockles

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troubatrain · 4 years ago

Text

set it up - a. beauvillier

a/n: i started this idk 9000 years ago with three different hockey boys but i’ve never written for tito and this could be 6k words of absolute garbage but i think you guys will like it?? it was inspired when i watching the Netflix movie Set It Up, which I absolutely love because who doesn’t love a romcom. I wanna thank @nazdaddy for giving it a quick read like halfway through to hype me up you’re a real one!!

You felt sick.

Your feet hurt, your head was pounding and you were absolutely soaked. It started in the morning, waking up late for and having to sacrifice your morning coffee so your boss wouldn’t kill you. Then there was the workday from hell, skipping lunch to work on a project because your boss’s son had a brain the size of a raisin. By the time five rolled around, a storm had sweeped into New York, soaking the city streets on a day when you didn’t have an umbrella on hand. The subway packed, and by the time you’d gotten back to your apartment you were absolutely exhausted. You were looking forward to a night in, a glass of wine and ordering take out.

Then you were met with the sight of a pink scrunchie, sparkling against your door and stopping you dead in your tracks.

Rose was your best friend, and that was the sole reason why you haven’t murdered her yet. You’d lived with Rose since you were freshman in college, randomly paired up as roommates and you got lucky she turned out to be your friend. In all of those years, she’d been with the same guy who she met approximately four hours after you moved into your dorm. Cam was great, until one day he just wasn’t. Rose still didn’t know what happened, but after grieving the longest relationship she’d ever been in for months, she was finally ready to start dating again. Turns out, dating again, was going to ruin your life.

You furrow your eyebrows, rubbing your hand over your eyes and trying to remember if she mentioned having anyone over. You open your phone, remembering how you turned on do not disturb sometime after she sent you her tenth meme of the day while you were working your ass off.

Having Kyle over for dinner - among other things, can you stay out for a bit?

You lean your head back, letting out a small scream in frustration. You hear a laugh behind you, and you turn around to be met by your neighbor. Anthony Beauvillier was an okay neighbor. He was quiet, usually giving you some sort of heads up that he’d been having a party which was rare. You knew he was gone most of the time because of hockey, but you never cared to ask any questions further than that. One thing you did notice about your neighbor, was just how handsome he looked in a suit on the rare occasion you caught him in the elevator.

“You okay?” Anthony asks, turning his head to the side, “Are you locked out?”

“No,” You sigh, debating whether or not you really needed to drop this on him, “Rose has a friend over, and I missed her text to tell me to stay out.”

“But you’re soaked,” Anthony points out, pointing to the water that was dripping off of you, “Come by me.”

“Oh you don’t have to do that, I’ll just-” You start to decline his invite, but his eyes were kind while they were staring at you, an amused smile on his face.

“C’mon Y/N, I’ll get you some dry clothes,” Anthony smiles, opening up his apartment door and insisting you came in, “And I’m not going to cook all of this for myself.”

Anthony holds up the grocery bags in his hand, soft eyes and a smile to match staring back at you. You nod, taking the invitation inside because it beat sloshing around in your heels, “Thanks Anthony.”

“You can call me Beau if you want,” Anthony shrugs, pointing down the hallway of the apartment that was identical to yours, “My rooms down there take whatever you want.”

Anthony moves around his kitchen, his mind wandering about why he felt compelled to invite her neighbor inside. Really he felt bad, you looked like you were having an awful day and getting sexiled from your own apartment probably would have been enough to break you. Anthony was tired too, his body was sore from a rough practice earlier that day. Not to mention the team was on a five game losing streak and while Anthony knew he could be doing more himself, he knew Mat wasn’t playing up to usual standards either.

Mat was a mess, and it was starting to drive Anthony absolutely crazy. He thought he was in love, a random girl he followed on Instagram who he took out a few times. Mat thought it was something, turns out she thought it was something casual. Now, his usual cocky and charismatic best friend was just a sad shell of himself. Selfishly, Anthony wanted him to get over it because if he did then they’d probably win a few more games and Trotz wouldn’t have them skate until someone threw up.

Then it hit him, the second you walked back into the kitchen with his clothes hanging off your frame while you pulled your hair back an idea came to Anthony’s head. If you wanted peace and quiet, he could give it to you, “Does Rose do this a lot?”

“Lately,” You sigh, sitting at the barstool next to the island, “Her boyfriend broke up with and after she cried for a few months she decided to be single and that’s ruining my life.”

“What if I could help?” Anthony asks, raising his eyebrows at you.

“You don’t need to let me into your place because Rose is-” You go to tell him no - whatever idea he had couldn’t be a fix all solution for your current problem.

“My teammate Mat, he’s single, and honestly sad, but he does have his own place where Rose can spend all her time…” Anthony suggests, dragging out his last words to give you a minute to think.

“What if they don’t even like each other?” You ask, stating what you thought should be the obvious.

“We’ll just set them up on a few dates, I’ll give Mat advice that you give me and it’ll all work out,” Anthony argues back, “We’re in complete control here.”

“But then it’s not real,” You remind him, that if you told Mat exactly how to date Rose it wouldn’t be Mat dating Rose at all.

“Does it matter?” Anthony asks, “You get a quiet apartment and my team gets a few wins, “What's the harm?”

“The harm is our friend's feelings,” You say, your hands in the air while you continued to talk. You were stopped by a ding on your phone, a text from Rose giving you a fair warning that her friend was staying over. You roll your eyes, “You know what - fine.”

“Really? You’re in?”

“Don’t make me regret this.”

***

You didn’t know why Anthony had you meeting him at the coffee shop just a few blocks away from your building, but judging by the all black outfit he was sporting, something told you that it was because he was taking this set up thing too seriously.

“Are we spies now?” You ask, slipping into the chair and crossing your arms, “Because if we are you aren’t doing a very good job.”

“I’m not doing a good job? You’re wearing yellow,” Anthony says, “You could not be any more obvious.”

“Whatever, when’s Mat going to get here?” You ask, grabbing the coffee Anthony had waiting for you.

The plan was simple, Anthony knew that Mat knew who Rose was to some capacity, because Mat had told his friend on more than one occasion about how hot his neighbors were. So, you were both going to force them to actually speak to each other. Anthony suggested just telling them that you were setting them up on a date, but you insisted that if this was going to work they would have to think this happened without the will of the two of you. So you both invited them to the same place, and after you both conveniently miss your plans they would have to run into eachother.

“He should be here soon, I tipped the barista $40 to mix up their coffees and let us watch from their kitchen,” Anthony explains, holding up to his end of the plan, “Which by the way, was way more than I think they would have taken.”

“Oh I’m sure you’ll be okay,” You roll your eyes, reminding him that you were living with Rose to keep your rent down while Anthony could live alone comfortably, “Shit, I see them.”

You both got up, sneaking into the back where the barista who was working just shook her head at the two of you. You peek out, watching the scene unfold in front of you. Anthony wraps his arm around your chest, pulling you back into him, “I swear if you get caught.”

You try to push the thought about how good Anthony smelled, or how nice his arm felt around you while you tried to focus on Rose who just grabbed Mat’s coffee by accident. Mat tells her it’s his, a joke about how familiar she looked following shortly after. Their conversation was brief, and for a minute you thought maybe it wasn’t going to work. Then you saw Mat slip his phone out of his pocket, holding it out for Rose to take.

“Oh my god, it’s working,” You exclaim, Anthony’s hand flying over your mouth immediately. He mumbled something in French, and there was no way you were going to be able to make it out. Anthony’s phone dings, and he pulls it out to show a text from Mat sent promptly after Rose was out of the cafe.

I think I just asked your neighbor out.

Anthony was beaming, pulling his hand off your mouth while you both watched Mat leave the shop, “This date needs to be perfect.”

“It will be as long as you listen to me,” You say, turning around to cross your arms at him, “Because if this is going to work-”

“You almost blew our cover, I’m in charge here,” Anthony scoffs, “You’re like the worst sidekick in the world.”

“You’re the sidekick here.”

“No it’s you, you’re Robin and I’m Batman.”

***

“Here?”

“No.”

“How about this one?”

“God, no she hates seafood.”

You’d been trying to figure out where you were going to set up Mat and Rose’s first date for hours. Every restaurant Anthony mentioned just wasn’t enough, and Mat was dying for some help from his friend. Anthony was frustrated, mostly with you for not just choosing something and calling it a day.

“This is why you’re single, by the way, because these places are just meh,” You argue, pulling his laptop from his hands, “Where’s the romance?”

“I’ll have you know I’m very romantic,” Anthony scoffs, not having any of your shit, “Ask any girl I’ve ever dated.”

“Seems like they’re all gone, wonder why,” You hum, scrolling through the Google search.

“Fine, how about this? He takes her to a show because you said she loves musicals,” Anthony suggests, pulling the laptop from your hands, “After Mat sets up a dinner by his place because he’s got a sick rooftop and if all goes to plan Rose will be there all night.”

You whip your head around to look at the man next to you, a grin on his face because he very well may have nailed it when it came to a first date. It was simple, yet fancy enough to keep Rose interested, “That just might work.”

You kept your mouth closed about why keeping Rose out all night was going to work for you. You had a date with someone you matched with on Hinge who seemed nice enough and the opportunity to take him home at the end of the night didn’t seem like a bad move. You didn’t want to let that information slip to Anthony, and you didn’t know why. You didn’t like him, and you were pretty positive he was only putting up with you because you were both trying to set Mat and Rose up.

“It’s a date then?” Anthony asks, pulling out his phone to give Mat all the details about the date he should be taking his neighbor on. Anthony made it clear to Mat he’d know, despite the fact that before the other night Anthony hadn’t had so much as a conversation with Rose or yourself. However, he had you and you knew Rose better than anyone.

***

You sat across from your date, twirling the glass of wine in your hand while he talked about his family. Ben was nice, and honestly you were enjoying his company. The restaurant was almost perfect, because knowing it made your rejection list for Mat and Rose’s first date location wasn’t something you could shake. Ben had to be oblivious to it, a delighted smile on his face from across you. Your phone rang on the table, and Anthony’s number popped up for the third time that evening. You knew Rose and Mat were well into their date at this point, and you had the night planned so perfectly nothing could possibly go wrong.

“You can take that if you need to,” Ben suggests, a gentle tone to his voice. You nod, feeling a little bad for stepping away from your conversation to answer the call.

“I’m on a date,” You grit out the second you were out of Ben’s earshot, “Someone better be dead Beau.”

“We’re about to be,” Anthony huffs out, “The chef Mat hired canceled and I have all of these ingredients and I know how to cook three things and they aren’t steak.”

“Beau,” You whisper harshly, “Figure. It. Out.”

“Absolutely not, if this tanks you’re coming down with me,” Anthony begs, “Please come to Mat’s and help me.”

So you did. You loved Rose too much to let this blow up in your face because of Anthony’s inability to cook a meal. Ben was understanding, accepting the excuse that you weren’t feeling well and even offering to pay for your cab back home. You declined, because you didn’t have the heart to tell him you had to bail out Anthony.

By the time you finally got to Mat’s, you could hear a string of curses on the other side of the door and the smell of something burning. You walked in and a pan was practically on fire while Anthony turned around frantically.

“Oh my god, move,” You demand, grabbing the pan and turning down the stove, “You really can’t cook anything?”

Anthony was dumbfounded, standing in Mat’s kitchen letting his eyes wander down your bare legs. You looked good and if you weren’t about to chew him out Anthony might have said something. But you were standing in front of him, arms crossed while you waited for him to say something. When he didn’t you sighed, pushing him out of the way and getting to work.

“Make yourself useful and set the damn table,” You demand, pointing a spatula in his direction. This dinner had to be perfect if this was going to work. You relished in the silence, getting to work on the dinner that you were left to save.

“So how was your date?” You hear Anthony’s voice float back into the apartment, and you turn around to give him a dirty look, “Or did I ruin that?”

“You didn’t totally ruin it, Ben was nice,” You shrug, not really wanting to get into it. The thing was, Ben was nice and that seemed to be a rare thing to find. Sure, you could have done without the boring work talk, but it was better than some of the other dates you’d been on lately.

“Hm, just nice?” Anthony stifles a a laugh, closing his mouth immediately when your eyes narrowed at him, “Sorry. I’ll leave probably boring but nice Ben alone.”

“I used to think you were nice, you know?” You snark back, plating the dinner just as Mat slipped in to grab the food.

“Dude you’re a lifesaver,” Mat immediately thanks Anthony and you had to roll your eyes at the sigh, “Wait aren’t you-”

“Rose’s roommate, uh yeah, she cooks all the time so I called her,” Anthony rushes to explain, the idea that Mat would recognize you going right over his head in a panic.

“Well, thanks you guys really saved my ass,” Mat says, grabbing two plates and heading up to the roof where you knew Rose was probably checking her teeth in nervous panic.

It took forever to clean up the kitchen, Anthony’s sad initial attempt to cook was disastrous. You probably didn’t help, and by the time you were done cooking you had used every pan in Mat’s apartment. You could hear Rose’s voice in the hall and you both looked at each other in a panic. Anthony grabbed your hand, pulling you into the nearest closet to the kitchen.

“Quiet,” Anthony whispers, your mind far too distracted by your head pressed against his chest to care about just how small this closet was. You were trying to steady your own breathing, the closet was small and when Anthony took up most of the space you could feel a bit of anxiety creeping in. You wrap your arms around his waist, your fingers digging into his sides to grab a hold of quite literally anything. Anthony can feel it, how nervous you were so he took a chance and carded his fingers through your hair in an attempt to calm you down just a little bit, “Just wait until they’re in his room and I’ll take us home I promise.”

You nodded against his chest, closing your eyes and just letting Anthony provide you with any comfort he was willing to give. He was a bit snarky and definitely a little too bossy but he was the best you were going to get for the moment. You hear a door click and with Rose’s giggle on the other side you knew you were in the clear.

“So you really went through all of this just for a few wins?” You break the silence in Anthony’s car, looking out the window while he drove you both home.

“I mean, yeah, when Mat plays his best so do the rest of us,” Anthony shrugs, “Don’t tell me I could be playing better, I’ve heard it enough.”

“I wasn’t going to,” You defend, your voice small, “Do you think we could get them away for a night next weekend?”

“Hot date? Boring Ben doesn’t seem like he’d sleep over until the third date,” Anthony jokes, tapping you on the thigh.

“Sort of, I have my boss’s birthday party and I just want him to hate me less,” You admit, plus the office gossip always seemed to revolve around the fact that you never brought a date anywhere.

“I think you’re impossible to hate, trust me I’ve been trying.”

“You’re an ass.”

“Do you want my help or not?”

***

Everything was going wrong, like very wrong. The bigger plan was actually going the way it was supposed to, Rose and Mat were off to an Airbnb in the Hamptons for a night that Anthony just happened to mention to Mat during practice the day after you cooked them that dinner. That, however, was the only thing going well for you. You were dressed up, the black dress you were wearing looked absolutely killer on you. Your leg was poking out of the slit that was appropriate for a work event and the date you were supposed to be on, but your date was nowhere to be seen. Turns out Boring Ben wasn’t boring at all, or he was just a total douche and you never realized. Regardless, you were dateless yet again, and you had to admit it was a bit of an ego killer too. You thought about not going, but after telling a few of your coworkers that not only were you going, you were bringing a date.

You take a deep breath, bracing yourself for the passive aggressive comments from the newlyweds who seemed to litter your office. You had ten wedding invitations last summer from your coworkers alone, and now you had to show up dateless for what felt like the millionth time in your life.

“Woah,” You hear Anthony’s voice as soon as the elevator opened, a low whistle escaping from his lips until he realized you were without your date, “Where’s that Ben dude?”

“He didn’t show if you really need to know,” You complain and Anthony could feel his heart break just a little.

Anthony sighs, taking a look at his watch and then back at you. You looked hurt, despite the smile plastered on your face that he could see right through. He was going to have a night in, maybe even invite over the girl he’d been hooking up with but in his heart he knew what the right thing to do was, “Give me five minutes to change?”

“No Beau you really don’t have to come, I got stood up, it's on me,” You rush out, stopping Anthony dead in his tracks.

“It’s not your fault that dude was an asshole,” Anthony scoffs, “And you look too good to not have a date.”

Anthony didn’t say another word, unlocking the door to his place and coming back out less than five minutes later in a freshly pressed suit, “No tie okay?”

“No tie is fine,” You squeaked out, watching Anthony fix the cuffs of his shirt. Everyone thinks a man putting on a suit is hot right? It wasn’t just that he looked damn good in it, “You can still back out.”

Anthony didn’t back out, in fact, he was a better date than you thought he could be. He was being a good sport, especially when you came to the realization your boss was a huge Islanders fan. He had Anthony by his side all night, no doubt pestering him about the season. You felt awful, and while Anthony had a smile on his face you couldn’t help but feel guilty for putting him in the situation in the first place.

“I met that boyfriend of yours,” Your coworker Stella says, nudging you with her elbow, “He seems like a keeper.”

“Oh he’s-” You went to deny any indication that Anthony was your boyfriend but you knew Stella better than that, and just like she did at everyone Monday morning team meeting, she was interrupting you before you had a chance to finish your sentence.

“And don’t even tell me it’s not serious he couldn’t stop talking about you,” Stella grabs your arm, and you raise your eyebrows and look at Anthony. He catches your eye, sending you a wink while he goes back to listening to whatever your boss was rambling about, “See? So cute.”

The night was going smoothly, and by the time dinner rolled around you were done for the night. One too many glasses of wine had your head resting on Anthony’s shoulder while your boss's wife made a toast. His hand was resting on the exposed skin on your thigh and if you weren’t convinced you were overthinking it - you may have thought Anthony was putting in a little more effort.

“I’m sorry my boss was chewing your ear off,” You whisper, catching Anthony’s attention, “I don’t want you to think I brought you because you’re you and he likes your team.”

“I don’t think that,” Anthony assures you, his lips just inches away from kissing on the forehead, “And he doesn’t hate you, he told me liked you.”

“He likes you, seems like everyone does,” You muse, after having gotten compliments all night about what a joy your boyfriend was you were sure Anthony was a better date than he was an actual companion.

“Better date than Ben?” Anthony asks, and you nod with a grin on your face.

Anthony wasn’t sure what he was doing or why. In the short time since he invited you into his place he only learned how annoying you can be, but he’d be a liar if he didn’t think it was cute. It was cute that you thought Mat and Rose could actually fall in love. It was cute that you never kept quiet when you were both sneaking around because something got you excited. And it was downright adorable to watch you laugh at your boss’s wife who was teasing her husband in her speech. He liked you, and he never thought about it until he saw the heartbroken look on your face when you told him your date stood you up.

“Ready to go home?” Anthony whispers, your eyes were getting heavier from the wine, and he wasn’t sure how much longer you would hold up until you fell asleep on his shoulder. Not that Anthony would have minded at all, he might even have preferred it.

By the time you’d gotten back to your apartment building, you made it clear why you limited yourself on wine at events. Anthony kept refilling your glass before you had a chance to stop him, and now he was practically chasing you down the hall because you insisted on running away for no reason at all.

“For a professional athlete you’re pretty slow,” You poke Anthony in the chest, who was currently fishing through your purse for your set of keys. He finally finds them turning them into the lock and opening the door, “Beauuuu.”

“Yes?” Anthony asks, grabbing your waist while you tripped over your heels.

“Do you think Mat really likes Rose?” You ask, the question wasn’t really for Anthony at all. It was coming from a guilty feeling that had been stewing inside of you for a few days. Rose seemed smitten, and a part of you knew a lot of those dates were just planned by you.

“He does, it’ll all work out,” Anthony assures you, because the frown on your face told him that if he didn’t he was about to have a crying Y/N on his hands and he didn’t want to be the one to make you cry.

“Promise?” You ask, finally slipping off your heels and leaning against the doorframe. You wanted him to stay, use the age old it’s late excuse for a few more hours where he was close to you. His apartment was across the hall, and asking him to stay would be silly. You watched him head out the door, turning around to give you one more look and answer your question.

“Yeah I promise.”

***

This entire thing had gotten out of hand, and Rose and Mat’s relationship was becoming a chore. You had stopped them from killing each other twice in the past week, texting Anthony almost exact directions on how Mat was going to fix whatever stupid he said. Mat didn’t know, or maybe he did and he didn’t care to say anything about how with your help his relationship with Rose would be over before it started. Now, you were hiking across the city for flowers so Mat could apologize to Rose for forgetting her mother’s name as if she didn’t talk about her family constantly. You finally got them to Mat’s wiping a bead of sweat off your forehead when a text came that rocked your world.

I think I love Mat, he literally had these delivered after I got mad at him.

Attached was a picture of the flowers, and a guilty feeling churned in your stomach while you made your way back to your place. You stopped in the hallway, looking at Anthony’s door biting your lip and thinking about what the consequences of this all really was - and it was eating at you.

You were fucked, completely and utterly fucked. It seemed wrong, like everything in your best friend’s love life was a lie you created because it was. So you panicked, and snuck away to Anthony’s without a second thought. You knocked twice, a sleepy hockey player appearing on the other side.

“Rose is in love with Mat,” You state, pushing Anthony into his own place and walking past him.

“Isn’t that what we wanted?” Anthony asks, watching you pace through his apartment.

“It’s not real, everything Mat knows about Rose is because you told him,” You explain, stopping in the middle of the room, “We planned their dates, we did everything, and when they realize they might not as much in common as they think Rose is going to be heartbroken and-”

“So, you got what you wanted? She’s always over there,” Anthony counters back, not mentioning the hot streak his teammate was on.

“You don’t see anything with this?” You ask, furrowing your eyebrows at the man you thought you knew in front of you, “That your friend is going to be with someone when their relationship is built on a lie.”

“You act like he’s going to marry her,” Anthony groans, not even realizing until after the words left his mouth about how awful that sounded. Your jaw had dropped, your eyes wide while you look at Anthony, “Wait Y/N-”

“I’m telling them the truth,” You say, a stoic robotic tone to your voice. You thought about telling Rose just minutes before you left your place, but you stopped yourself before you ratted out your friend. Now, it seemed like it didn’t matter. Anthony was going to be a selfish asshole regardless of what you did and you weren’t going to let that sham of a relationship continue, “I shouldn’t have listened to your stupid idea to begin with.”

***

You walked out of Anthony’s life after that, and in the week that’s passed since, he was miserable. He didn’t know what you told Rose, but he definitely heard the arguing you were having with her from across the hall. He knew he should have stepped in, but the way you looked at him when you left was the only reason he didn’t. You looked at him with such disdain, like the mere indication that he didn’t care about his own friend’s feelings were the most awful thing he could have done.

Maybe it was, either way the guilt was eating Anthony alive. He called, but you never picked up. He texted you, using some dumb excuse about needing to grab a package outside his door while he on a road trip but an answer never came. Hell, he even tried to email you. The only thing left to do was walk across the hall and knock on your door, if you were even still there.

“Dude you’re doing it again,” Mat says, tossing a chip at his teammate and catching Anthony’s attention, “Just go over there and apologize.”

“Did you apologize to Rose?” Anthony huffs, annoyed with Mat’s attempt at giving him any advice.

“I didn’t have to because this was your fault,” Mat explains, reminding Anthony of exactly what happened after you left his place. You told Rose everything, and after what Anthony heard as a nasty fight - Rose and Mat spilt up once they realize they actually had nothing in common, “And fuck you dude because I still apologized to Rose after that.”

“Fine, I’ll go over,” Anthony budges, stomping out of his own place and across the hall to yours. He knocked twice, hearing some shuffling on the other end. The door finally clicked open, and when Anthony was met with Rose’s face, his shoulders slumped.

“She’s not here,” Rose leans against the doorway, her arms crossed at Anthony, “We’re, uh, taking some time away from each other.”

“This wasn’t Y/N’s fault it was mine,” Anthony rushes to explain, the reality of ruining someone's friendship settling in.

“I know it was,” Rose assures him, because she’d forgiven you just three days after you told her the truth. That wasn’t enough for you to come home, because your own guilt was eating you alive, “She feels too bad, and she doesn’t want to see you.”

That was it, Rose’s words were enough to have reality really settle in. Anthony Beauvillier was a massive asshole, and the reason you weren’t back in your own apartment. He did that. He was going to have to live with that guilt. And he didn’t know how to fix it.

***

It had been a month.

You didn’t know why you knew exactly how many days it’s been since you stomped out of Anthony’s apartment and into your own to tell the truth. But, you did know that exactly thirty days prior that’s just what you did. You told Rose everything, from the stupid plan to your own stupid feelings that seemed to

cloud your judgement. She was upset, and she had every right to be. You knew that she could have kicked you out of the apartment and told you to fuck off, and she did. Three days later, a much calmer Rose was on the phone telling you everything was fine and you could come back home.

You didn’t want to, because you knew Anthony was across the hall living his life just the way he had been before you stepped into it. He was going to go out on dates with girls that weren’t you, and go off on road trips for games he needed to play. He could set Mat up with someone else if he really wanted to, but none of those things would ever involve you again. You packed your stuff, and moved into a new place after couch surfing by a few of your friend’s places.

“You’re depressed,” Rose kicks your leg from the other side of your new couch, a movie night to celebrate your new place was in full effect, “I told you I’m not mad about the Mat thing.”

“I know,” You sigh, staring at the glass of fruity pink wine Rose had brought over, “I just-”

“You miss him,” Rose muses, a knowing look on her face, “It was never about Mat and I, it was always using us as an excuse to see each other.”

“It was about you guys at first,” You defend, staring at the blonde across from you who was looking at you intensely.

“He came and looked for you, after a week,” Rose says, holding onto the tidbit of information she’d been saving for almost a month, “I think he wanted to apologize.”

“Well he didn’t so it doesn’t matter anymore,” You snap back, Rose melting back into the couch to avoid being the next stop on your rage tour. You didn’t want to care about Anthony or his stupid biceps again, but you never stopped thinking about him.

***

Anthony wasn’t doing much better, in fact, he was doing a whole lot worse. He felt like shit, he was playing like shit, and he seemed just like Mat was when he came up with that stupid plan. He tried to throw himself into hockey, push his body where it had never gone before because then he wouldn’t have to think about you. He wouldn’t have to think about how much of a romantic you were or how you helped with even if he didn’t deserve. Most importantly, he wouldn’t have to think about how heartbroken you looked when he told you he didn’t want to come clean because it didn’t matter.

Anthony was doing the same thing he’d been doing all month, stalking your social media profiles in an attempt to see if you were doing okay. He knew you moved, and if he wasn’t on the West Coast maybe he would have stopped you. A text from Mat came in, one that had him rolling his eyes.

My rooftop in twenty it’s an emergency.

***

What Anthony didn’t know was that the same text was sent from Rose’s phone to yours just a few minutes prior. You rushed over Mat’s, absolutely terrified about what you could have been walking into. Except, when you got up to the roof there was nothing. No Mat. No Rose. Just yourself and-

“Fuck,” Anthony whispers, opening the rooftop door to reveal you on the otherside. It was just you, standing there just as confused as he was by the cryptic text from his teammate, “Uh Mat texted me to come?”

A grin threatens to break out on your face, just as the gears were starting to shift in Anthony’s. You were being set up, of course not as well as you would have planned, but it was a set up nonetheless.

“You know what they’re doing right?” You ask, breaking the silence. Anthony just nods, running a hand over his face without saying a word, “I’m going to go-”

“No,” Anthony rushes out, grabbing your arm and intertwining his fingers with yours, “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry? You made me cry for weeks and almost blew up my longest friendship and all you have to say is sorry?” You questioned him, waiting for Anthony to come up with something better than that.

“What do you want me to say? That I didn’t want to stop doing this because I didn’t want to stop hanging out with you?” Anthony exclaims, “Because that’s the truth. I was being a selfish asshole, and I know that I don’t deserve your forgiveness but I feel awful for what I did to you. I was so scared to come and apologize because you have every right to tell me to go fuck myself and never speak to me again. The problem is, I want to talk to you. I want to listen to you talk about why you were a hopeless romantic, and take you home after you drank too much at a work thing. I-”

Anthony couldn’t finish his rant, because you pressed your lips against his before he had the chance. His hands were on your face, pulling you as closely as he could because he needed this kiss to show you that he wanted you. You finally pulled away, breathless while Anthony’s hands snuck down to your waist. His forehead was against yours, your noses bumping together while he whispered his next words.

“We’re not telling Mat this worked.”

“Oh definitely not, no more set ups?”

“Unless it’s me setting up our first date, consider it a promise.”

#anthony beauvillier #anthony beauvillier imagine #nhl imagine #nhl imagines #my writing

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