#okay to respond and reblog

[cr1mson5returns]

No rest for the wicked, I suppose.

Uh, so I'm. Not well right now.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 2019. It took a psychological evaluation to do it, because there was so much diagnostic uncertainty with me. I bounced between a couple of diagnoses before they did the deep dive and came up with BPD. And it was a relief, really, to just know that there was a name for it, that I wasn't alone or the only one, that there was a path forward for treatment.

But, well.....it's only gotten worse for the last few years. And on my third hospitalization, I was asked if I had significant childhood trauma, and I said, "No, of course not. It wasn't that bad."

But it was. It was. And when I cut off contact with my family in May, I thought, stupidly, that things would get better then. That I'd be alright, feel alright for once. But actually my brain is Doing A Remember and that shit is so painful, y'all. I do not have any fucking idea what I'm supposed to do with myself and my life right now, in this moment, after having a truly impressive come-apart breakdown where I just about experienced a psychotic break. And in the middle of it all, all I could think was: "I don't want my mom, not really. I just want a mom. I want to be held like someone's daughter, by someone who thinks of me as a daughter. But I don't have anyone."

It's been truly awful all these years to feel so completely worthless and unlovable. It was absolutely nothing - a pittance, a small sliver of sadness - compared to the settling of the realization, today, that everyone who ever told me that my parents loved me in their own way, whatever way they were capable of loving me in, was absolutely fucking incorrect. They hurt me, intentionally. They tore me down until I stopped seeing myself like a person, intentionally. The minute I became someone who was no longer a child, naive and dependent, I became something they couldn't love. Didn't love, really. They knew they were hurting me, and when I tried to bring it up to them, it was always about the money they spent on the hospital bill when I tried to kill myself in school, or the way that my mom actually had it worse than I did because she was so depressed after the attempt. Screamed me down onto the floor until I was sobbing when DCF showed up, demanded to know what I'd said and to whom. And when I had the audacity to be gay, it was over for me, really. They simply couldn't keep it up any longer. And now I'm sitting here and simmering in the ugly realization that none of it was love. Not a damn bit of it. You don't intentionally hurt someone you love, over and over, until they stop thinking of themselves as a person and start thinking of themselves as a cosmic mistake.

All I ever wanted was to be acceptable. Digestible, I guess, never too unpleasant to swallow up in bite-sized pieces of what I was expected to be. I couldn't ever manage it, and now I'm so afraid of finding out things about myself because what if people don't like it? What if I'm no longer the digestible little pieces I once was, what if I step into something that is all too bitter and easy to choke on, something to spit out? Like chew, or cow's cud, or the phlegm in your throat after a cold.

All I ever wanted was to be loved like my sisters are loved. And it did not happen, and it will not happen, and I have finally settled that thought into my gray matter and it hurts. It hurts. And all these times that I have ever thought that I would end it all, that I would just check the fuck out for eternity and never have a problem again, it all just pales in comparison to the solemn knowledge. They did not love me, not when I became an individual. This was not love. It was not normal or acceptable. I was not just some dramatic ass teenager who couldn't handle a little discipline. I was not wrong.

I'm safe, now. Tonight. Not about to take myself off the face of the Earth, not because of this. So many people would be upset if I left, and frankly, I'm so spiteful and resentful at this point that I want to annoy the shit out of anyone who would gain something if I was gone. Am I the archenemy of the family? I guess so, motherfucker, and I do love playing the villain. I'm real good at that.

Anyway, I'm going to find some path forward, through this, out of this. Wherever it goes. I want to be a musician again, somehow. I don't know how I'll accomplish it yet. I have time to think on it. Because I'm not killing myself over this. I refuse. I came so far from where I was and I will not bow down to whatever awful little urge arises in me to just be done forever. Morgan would kick my ass for it, and so would my granddad, probably. He'd team up with Morgan to try to convince God Himself to please let them be ghosts, just for a bit, just to make a point to someone. Grandma would tell me how much she had hoped I would get better, how much she had been rooting for me to live a better life than I had. I'm not wasting away with the sorrow, not this time. I won't let that happen again. I'm angry, and hurting, and today it felt like my entire chest was hollow and my lungs were about to collapse, but one day I will be better than where I am now. It will happen.

But it can't if I let go right now. So I won't let go.

[critterbitter]

I finally got all my brain ducks into enough of a row to send this! I just wanted to say that Tumblr recommended your art to me on a whim, and I am actually OBSESSED now lol. I had no prior investment in Submas or anything tangentially related to it prior to this (aside from liking Pokémon generally lol), but I couldn’t help but tear through everything you’ve drawn for these silly little rat children and I love them so much now!!! I wanna pick them up and shake him around like little action figures! The shenanigans and the heartfelt moments are just,, UGH so good! I have no words! Thank you for the food I am going FERAL over them <3

Your art is also high key goals for me now tbh. I absolutely ADORE your coloring and rendering style, and also they way you draw Pokémon in general?? Very animalistic but still recognizably Pokémon?? Literally galaxy brained. I’m going to SCREAM. I know you already posted a bit of your art process, but I’d love to know if you’ve got any rendering tips and/or how you get that clean but sketchy look. It looks so good I want to eat it lol.

(Also I really love the way you’ve been formatting Elesa’s dialog, with the extra lines around the letters. It really gives the vibe that her grasp on Galarian is currently shaky at best and idk, I like that you’ve managed to find a way to convey that over text. I think that’s pretty cool :D)

I SAW YOU REBLOG A WHOLE BUNCH AND IM,,, (throwing hearts at you)

Thank you so so much! I’m glad you love these terrible little guys wandering Unova just as much as I do, haha!

As a treat, lemme pull out some drafting for the mini illustrations. I usually start every snapshot with a run down of what I remember from the area, possible shenanigans encountered, and then a doodle of ideas to come.

From there, it’s a SUPER rough sketch, followed by lineart and rough color, and then cleanup!

(More thumbs and their finals below!)

At the end of the day, all my lines are VERY sketchy. I’m a lot stronger when it comes to mashing colors. That, and if you set your line layer from normal to multiply, the lines will always be automatically darker then whatever layer is placed underneath. It’s a trick used quite a bit for placing cel shadows in animation, but it’s useful for lineart in a pinch.

For colors, I like to stick to a limited pallet and branch out only after setting my primary colors. This entire series has been very experimental for me though, as you can probably tell.

As for the last bit— YES… YOU GET IT! As Elesa grows, the lines in her dialogue will start appearing less and less. It’s the little things that map the span of time for these guys.

Yippee!

[bamsara]

Please stop

[transient-winds]

Brainrotting a wind breaker daemon au during my last class for the week with my bestie on discord (😘 @prunus-rosales ) is definitely how I want to spend my weekend.

His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman anyone?? I watched The Golden Compass (2007) movie a long time ago which I didn't know was my first exposure to daemons.

Anyways, since Sakura's young, his daemon would still be able to shift forms so here's my current list rn:

Tuxedo Maine Coon = frequent form

White Bengal Tiger = usually used during fights (not all the time but when the fight gets especially brutal)

Common ringed plover = also used in fights (to escape usually but will pluck another daemon's eye or two), but is also another frequent form especially if Sakura's too tired to carry a ~4kg furball on his shoulders or just to hide.

The daemon's definitely going to be the same-sex as Sakura, so his daemon would be male and he'd probably the only one in Fūrin with a male daemon 😭. To add to his tragic backstory and ostracization from society ✨️.

I imagine his daemon would be very sweet maybe a little shy, like his inner desires for affection and acceptance you know? As Sakura gets more comfortable with Class 1-1 with time, his daemon would definitely take a more caring and parental approach to class' daemons. The class looks up to Sakura and their daemons look up to his daemon. Stick with me here, but visualize this: his daemon in his tiger form holding nirei's daemon by the scruff like they would a cub.

YOU SEE THE VISION RIGHT???

Anyways yeah, since im doing this with Ales and with the help of some ideas in a windbreaker server she's in, there's a lot more to this au that has been established. (More than the jidaigeki au rip 💔)

I'll make a better post that's more professional looking than this one w/ more research & exposition later and with ideas for other characters such as Umemiya & some of Class 1-1 + WITH NAMES!! (shit's tiring to type out [Character]'s daemon)...

[thunderstomm]

The Newmans Redesigns (Early Draft) + Ideas

I love the Newmans- but that’s not much of a secret. And just like most people who love them, I’m always just a little disappointed that the show didn’t really do much with them- I mean, Kim and Konnie barley spoke at all! Plus, I personally don’t love that they look almost identical to their GB counterparts, I think a little variety is nice ! So for the longest time, I’ve been trying to nail down some redesigns that I think really work for each of these characters. And while these are not the final designs, they’re just a potential mock-up- I still wanted to share them, as well as two hypothetical ideas for how these looks come to be.

I don’t want to pretend they just always happened to look like this, canon gets to stay intact in the idea that they looked like Grojband, until a certain point. But I’m not sure what route to take to result in the change- whatever I pick will be used and referenced in my Grojband fic, Peaceville’s Pink Star. (Follow my side blog @peacevillespinkstar , more chapters soon I promise !

So instead of just getting stuck in my own head, I figured it was better to type out both options, and kinda scope what other people think is better. There’s nothing like a good peer review !

(Under the cut because it’s long- thank you so much for choosing to read it if you do!!)

General context: these designs (or whatever final copy I end up making) exist in a post-series environment. AFTER “hear us rock”. The look change is spurred by one of these two options:

Option 1: The Rebrand

After the events of “hear us rock”, the newmans are in hot water. Because of how similar they look to Grojband- Aka the band who saved Peaceville- people keep booking them thinking that they are GrojBand, and then getting upset when it turns out they aren’t. Upset greatly by this, the newmans decide that enough is enough, and that if it’s the only way they can stand out and be better, they’ll have to take the leap and completely re-invent their looks, and their sound. So the Newmans leave town for a little bit, and return sporting their shiny new duds, and a sound that’ll blow Grojband out of the water.

Option 2: The Lawsuit

After the events of the Newmans’ last appearance in the show, Kon-fusion, things don’t go well. While Grojband is unharmed by the de-fusion process, the Newmans ARE harmed (not majorly, but still enough that it’s clear), and things aren’t the best for them. While medial professionals are able to get them back to being healthy, the Newmans still end up looking a little bit different as a result. The Newmans Sue DJ-Fusion and win, which covers the costs PLUS gets them enough to buy new outfits (and maybe instruments) to match their looks.

I’d love to share my headcanons for each of the Newmans at some point, and how I think their personalities differ from the band, as well as possible friendships. Again, will probably end up on my side blog, because this particular lore will be used within my fic.

Please share which of these options you prefer if you can! It really helps !

Bonus redesign draft with notes explaining some of my design choices and picks !! (:

[unloneliest]

the A in LGBTQIA2S+ stands for asexual and aromantic, yes. this absolutely is not a post arguing against that. but it is absolutely, critically vital that the A does also stand for ally. the plausible deniability that ally being a part of the acronym offers closeted people is a necessity. it's a matter of safety.

[kurtsascot]

slowly getting settled into a routine so ill be off and on here over the next little while but i miss u all i miss glumblr 🤕🤕

[taibhsearachd]

So when I was between freshman and sophomore year of high school, I went to a college in Ohio to get some college credit for a class (....which now that I think about it I have no idea how to apply to my college transcript, I'm missing a whole-ass credit on my transcript....... anyway).

This was the first time I was away from home and mostly unsupervised. Like. I was so anxious that over the weekends, when everyone else in the dorm I was staying in went home... I just didn't leave and only ate the cookies and random snacks my parents sent with me, and then on Monday I passed out in the lunch room (BEFORE GETTING MY LUNCH) because I hadn't been eating. Probably should have been a red flag for my parents at the time, but they just kind of waved it off, I was fine, I just passed out.

ANYWAY. The point of this post is, every single day through the weekdays (I was there for... three or four weeks, I can't remember). Every SINGLE morning. There was a jukebox in the dining hall. And every single fucking day. Someone - and we NEVER figured out who it was, we watched that jukebox like a hawk for a while, and somehow they always put it in without us seeing - always put in "I Would Do Anything for Love" by Meatloaf.

The full version of the song is 12 minutes long, and that's what it was. By the third day we were out for blood. It still haunts me that we couldn't draw and quarter the person responsible.

I know you're out there. I know you're around my age, whoever did that. If I ever discover your identity, swear to god, it's on sight, you absolute monster.

[jewishbarbies]

i 100% will support anyone deconstructing the propaganda fed to them these past months and learning about judaism, jews, etc., but i won’t always be able to interact with you bc there’s just some things you haven’t unpacked yet that still deeply bother me and stress me out. and that’s fine. i don’t wish ill on you. i just need to protect my own peace by keeping my distance. that’s just the mature thing to do. and when you’re ready, or you have a question, I’ll still be here willing to help you as much as i am anyone else.

[tagthescullion]

"What do you mean Pluto 'isn't a planet anymore?'" - Nico and Hazel, probably.

idk if you've ever seen the "viva la pluto fuck you" by @smallnico, bloody hilarious, that line's been part of my adolescence, as in, I've said that to people irl and THERE'S A PART TWO???

[fredgar]

redraw of an older fredgar piece 😊

[cr1mson5returns]

Ugh. Personal under the cut.

So I lived through a lot of shit from my family. If anyone here knew me on my old, deleted blog from my teenage years, you might remember some of the uglier details. A lot of the small things are more or less lost to time, but it wasn't a good situation. I moved out on my own in October 2018, and I haven't gone back.

After a long fight that really started when I came out as a lesbian, I finally made the decision in May 2023 to cut contact indefinitely with my parents and older sisters. It just got bad, guys. My mom texted me about family plans I wasn't invited to (and not to invite me, either) and I spent an entire afternoon on the floor, sobbing and wondering what's wrong with me that I'm so unlovable. I just couldn't do that to myself anymore. I had to make a choice about my personal health and sanity, and keeping that relationship intact wasn't the right one.

So I haven't talked to my parents or older sisters in slightly over two months at this time. But there's a little compounding factor making it painful now, which is the fact that I have a little sister. She's 13 years younger than me (13 years, 2 months, and 10 days if I got the math right when I was 14 and bored) and she still lives with Mom and Dad because she's in middle school. I don't know about you, but where I'm from, it's a little bit illegal for a middle schooler to live on her own. So of course she lives with our parents, she's a minor.

But yesterday, I realized how long it's been since I talked to her. It made me so sad because that kid is so amazing, y'all. She's so bright and brilliant and hilarious, and she's the only one in the family who matches my goblin energy and hyperbolic humor. She's so interested in so many things, curious and loves to learn even if school makes her anxious and cranky; when she had the option to take a drafting class, she told me all about it and said she hoped she'd be able to do it, just because she was so excited about it. She loves Squishmallows and Among Us and BioShock and the Arkham games, though I don't know if she ever played the last two without me because it was our thing for a while. She's so smart and catches on so fast. When I last saw her, we worked on story problems for her math class and I taught her how to turn the words into equations and solve for the missing variable. She wears a million bracelets like a true emo, she's allergic to latex and has had mylar birthday balloons since she was 1 and has never tasted a banana because of it, and she worked so damn hard to come to a point where she wasn't afraid of sleepovers and new foods and crowds anymore.

I miss that kid so much, y'all. She's amazing, and I want to hold her close and tell her she should never listen to anyone who tells her she's unworthy or less than because she can reach the stars if she wants. She could be anything she wanted to be, purely because she would think of a way to make it happen before her anxiety even had a chance to talk her out of it. I want her to know I love her so much, I'm so sorry I was a shitty big sister as a teenager, I was sick and hurting and nobody got it but that didn't excuse anything, and I want to tell her I'll disappear anybody who breaks her heart and I don't care if I catch a charge for it.

She's such an amazing kid. So wonderful. One of my favorite people on Earth, honestly, but.....if I text her, will she even respond? If she responds negatively, will I keep myself safe?

[spaciebabie]

chess

noun

a board game of strategic skill for two players, played on a checkered board. Each player begins the game with sixteen pieces that are moved and used to capture opposing pieces according to precise rules. The object is to put the opponent's king under a direct attack from which escape is impossible ( checkmate ).

i just lrearned somthing today :] yay :]

i like this one b/c its a hors

[snickerdoodlles]

there's a lot of things people blame for why fandoms feel like ghost towns these days, but no one's really talked about the way discord's contributing to it

[dimonds456]

Reminder:

If I find out that any of you are proshippers, or "darkfic" supporters, or MAPs, or whatever little cutesy names y'all are calling yourselves now, YOU ARE BEING BLOCKED ON-SIGHT.

I love me some darkfic. That's great. I also love not harassing people over shipping. Cool. But DO NOT ship children with adults. I'm not going to harass you over it; I'm simply going to evict you off my property immediately.

And if you don't know what I'm talking about? Ask me. DM me. I'll tell you. If you haven't heard of darkfic in this context, you're probably fine.

You all know who you are.

This is your final warning. GET OUT.

[famiglia-lealta]

Having watched them on multiple occasions, talking excitedly with one another like they'd just discovered the cure for cancer every goddamn time - it kept prickling at him like someone twisting his spine - until one afternoon, the rage had finally boiled over.

"Oi. Tell that shitty old man of yours he can't come here no more."

The woman had glanced towards him with that uncertain look - the one where she didn't quite know where this was going or for what reason, but it would require delicate footing.

She had no fucking idea.

"My father? But-- he barely comes by as it is! Only for the occasional check in--"

"I don't remember asking." As his footsteps grew closer to her, it stoked the cruel amusements in the way she'd immediately stepped back with every one as he'd used their significant height difference to look over her. "Varia is an elite assassination squad. We don't need the likes of any pathetic no-violence scum littering about. It's a fucking wonder you even get to stay on base."

Neri stiffened, whether it was the jab at herself or her precious daddy. She'd looked up at him with that other expression. The real ballsy one where she was just on the edge of saying whatever thought was on the tip of her tongue. God, he lived for the days where she'd push through and fucking say something.

"Ha? What's that look for, hmn? Got a problem with my orders, Nerinda?"

"No, sir." He could practically taste the venom spat in those word, arching an eyebrow at how she kept her back straight, lifting her chin as she'd continued. "I'll tell my father to stay off the grounds in the future."

Xanxus nodded once, appearing to be satisfied with that answer, before suddenly leaning right down besides her head to whisper against her ear. "If I see him step a foot through my doors again, you'll finally get to prove how good that Salvai name of yours is - because you'll be the only one fucking left."

As he'd straightened back up himself, the head of the Varia broke into a wide, mocking sneer at the sheer panic she hadn't hidden quick enough, her eyes clearly reflecting the terror of imagining if his threats held true. Leaving her with those chilling thoughts, he turned on his heel, stalking back to his office and slamming the door.

Family of blood, huh?

What a fucking joke.