#okay so. i dont have a job. i am trying to find one but i have Issues. and Problems.

[humans-are-seriously-weird]

Hey all things have been wild and i havent been on a lot

I wanted to make this post to raise some awareness for the chronic illness Ive recently been diagnosed with, in the hopes that someone suffering something similar feels less alone.

Around Christmas i started getting very very sick. I would throw up 5-6hrs of the day, and it kept me from eating or sleeping at all. For four months straight i cycled between ER rooms and hospital admissions. Ive lost over 100lbs since Christmas due to a complete inability to keep any food or water down. After dozens of tests, I finally have been diagnosed with Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome.

Its a brutal disease. Essentially it’s a stress induced illness where the autonomic nervous system that controls the stomach becomes out of sync. When my body becomes too stressed, I start getting sick. And when I am out of the stress, my stomach and abdomen dont get the memo that we are okay now. It continues to have its own mini anxiety attack, contracting and twisting and forcing me to throw up everything I have inside, and keeps going after with dry heaving. This is called an abdominal migraine, and let me tell you, it is so much worse than it sounds. Once you are in an episode, it is difficult to get out of. Once the body is stressed, the sickness stresses it more, which makes me sicker. It is a vicious cycle.

I lost my job to this disease because I missed two full months. I collapsed at work and had to be rushed to the hospital. The worst part of this disease is that it is so uncommon most hospitals dont know how to treat it. Ive been labeled a drug seeker at every hospital within 10km of my home because of how frequently I had to go to the ER, severely dehydrated and in such pain I could barely stand. I started refusing strong pain meds in favour of antispasmodics instead. ER docs and nurses blamed cannabis and told me that was my sole issue. It wasnt, though it does exacerbate the illness. Ive since stopped smoking, even though it brought me some relief, just to be taken seriously.

I am one of the lucky ones who got diagnosed quickly. Most people take years to get a diagnosis, and I got mine within 4months, though it is only because of how severe my illness was.

I am finally getting proper treatment that gives me some quality of life. I have a new job that is very understanding of how many days Ive had to take off due to flare ups and episodes. Im doing well now, but for awhile, i truly thought this disease was going to take my life. I wrote a will. I picked out a grave plot.

This isnt a sympathy post. CVS is often misdiagnosed as chronic appendicitis or GERD. The odds of someone following me who also has this disease is high, and I want to make sure they dont feel as alone and unheard in this as I have.

There is no cure for CVS, you can only try to manage it and lengthen the time between episodes. The hardest part is everyone constantly saying “but youve been doing so well”. I may be doing well now, but tomorrow is not guaranteed, the next hour is not guaranteed. My episodes come quickly and with little warning, and triggers can only be found through trial and error. I still miss a lot of work, I still wake up in the night dry heaving. If i miss a single dose of medication, i relapse. It is a brutal road, and I have been fortunate that I have a supportive partner and friends who have walked it with me.

If this sounds like you, you are not alone. Find a doctor who will listen to you, and trust your instincts. Advocate for yourself, and accept nothing less. Once, when an ER refused to see me, despite the fact that I passed out on the threshold, I started just screaming. I absolutely screamed my head off as if i had been shot. That got their attention, and they said they would treat me just to shut me up. Make a scene. It sucks that that is what I had to resort to, but they finally agreed to do an ultrasound and CT scan. It started me on the path of getting a proper diagnosis. Advocate for yourself loudly and without reserve. And if you cant, find someone who can on your behalf. When i was flitting in and out of consciousness, my partner advocated for me, and refused to let them discharge me until they got the vomiting under control, even just for a day. Be loud, be annoying, do whatever it takes.

You are not alone.

[usermoreid]

.

[delulujuls]

i'd give you the whole world if i only knew its price | ls18

am i a lance's girlie? no. am i becoming a lance's girlie? dont look at me

he seems so sweet idk why people hate on him

summary: lance's love language is giving gifts and when it came to giving something in return he'll accept only one way

warnings: none

pairing: fem!bffreader x lance stroll

The little girl sat on the curb, tears streaming down her rosy, tear-stained cheeks. In her tiny hands, she held her shattered helmet, unfit for further use. The girl wasn't crying because her father had scolded her for accidentally damaging the helmet. Instead, it was because, until she could find a replacement, she wouldn't be able to race with the other kids. That is, if there were any funds available for a new one.

Seeing the seven-year-old in tears, a slightly older boy, aware of the reason behind her distress, approached her with his newly purchased helmet in hand, crouching down in front of her.

"Here, you can have mine."

The girl stopped sobbing as he sat beside her, handing her the helmet, which she hesitantly accepted.

"I can't take it, my dad doesn't have any money left."

"You can take it, I always have two helmets with me."

The boy smiled at her, but uncertainty still lingered on her face. He glanced toward his father, who stood under one of the tents, observing the children a few meters away. Seeing the tearful face of the girl and the joyful expression on his son's face, he also smiled slightly and nodded.

"See?" he said, squeezing her hands that held the helmet. "My dad agreed. You can take it as a gift."

"Really?"

While her face was still wet from tears, her eyes no longer radiated sadness. Looking into the brown eyes of the boy, he nodded and he stood up, extending his hand.

"By the way, I'm Lance. Now, come on, it's about to start!"

"Please, Y/N, don't be like that."

The boy slumped onto the hotel bed, closely watching the girl's face on his phone screen.

"I'm sorry, Lance, but I can't."

She replied, her phone propped up against a coffee mug, engrossed in browsing job listings on her laptop.

"Why can't you just take it as a gift?"

Y/N scoffed and shook her head.

"Every month you give me some gift, Lance. Last month, as a 'gift,' you bought me a Birkin bag, and I don't even want to know how much it cost."

"You said your bag was falling apart, I wanted to make you happy."

She sighed and shifted her gaze to her phone. Lance looked at her attentively with his puppy eyes, visibly concerned. He wasn't seeing any problem here.

"The bag is gorgeous, and you have no idea how much joy you brought me," she said with grattitude in her voice. "But even a simple Target bag would make me happy, you know?"

"Yeah, probably. But this one is okay too, right?"

She laughed and shook her head.

"It's beautiful. Thank you very much."

Hearing her words, Lance breathed a sigh of relief. Seeing her smile, he did the same.

"So, if you want to repay me, let me fly you to Bahrain."

She lowered her gaze, and the smile faded from her face. Barely scraping by on bills and struggling to find a new job, spending her remaining money on plane tickets was the last thing on her mind. Even if, it could cover just one ticket.

"I can't afford to visit you, Lance."

"That's why let me take care of it. We haven't seen each other for so long, and I want to finally see you and start this season together," he said, looking at her worried face. Money meant nothing to him; he could send a private jet to pick her up, just to have her with him. "Please, Y/N."

She sighed and shook her head.

"I feel so embarrassed. I'll never be able to repay you for all of this."

"So, is it a yes? Can I book the tickets?"

He asked, hope in his voice, and a smile slowly crept back onto his face.

"Fine, but no more gifts this month, okay?"

"I'll try to meet that condition."

Lance and Y/N had been friends since the day he noticed her crying next to the carting track, holding her damaged helmet. They remained friends through all the years of go-karting, and their friendship persisted even when Y/N had to give up racing due to financial reasons.

At first, though she shudders at the thought even now, she hated Lance with every fiber of her being. It wasn't him she despised, but the obscene amounts of money his father had, providing him with everything he could dream of. Y/N was aware that Lance had both many fans and critics, so every time she came across unfavorable comments about him online, she felt embarrassed. After all, she used to cry and curse him every night, even though deep down, she didn't hate him; she just disliked the situation he was in, which she was not allowed to have.

Lance himself knew that without money, he would never have entered the serious world of motorsport. Numerous training sessions, expensive lessons, academy tests – Lance knew that money secured his current position, but talent couldn't be bought. He knew he could drive, and even the people who hated him online knew it too, disliking him simply because he succeeded. Being in Formula 1 cost the Canadian a lot, as he constantly felt like he didn't belong there. Even in the paddock, despite rarely facing personal comments, he knew many saw him as the boy with his daddy's big money. Lance often felt lonely, so he deeply appreciated every moment he could spend with Y/N. No one was as important to him as she was.

However, Y/N focused on being an ordinary teenager after giving up her motorsport career. She finished high school, got into college, even found a job and rented an apartment. Although her life didn't unfold exactly as she wanted, she stayed connected to motorsport through Lance, whom she supported as much as she could. Now things were getting complicated again as the season was about to begin, meaning she could only cheer for him from her couch. But for Lance, there were no such limitations. If he could solve a problem with money, he would. Furthermore, Lance found immense joy in showering Y/N with various gifts. Giving her presents was his love language, something that Y/N had no clue about.

"There she is."

Lance smiled at the sight of his friend, who stepped out of the taxi in front of one of the Bahrain hotels. She returned the smile, hugging him.

"I was talking about the bag, but it's nice to see you too," he teased, pointing to the Birkin she was holding, prompting her to playfully nudge him. Lance chuckled and embraced her, taking her suitcase and leading her inside the hotel.

"I hope the flight was okay and you're full of energy because we're going to a team dinner tonight."

"So, basically your dad is inviting us to dinner?"

She asked jokingly, looking at him as they entered the elevator.

"Technically, yes, my dad is inviting us to dinner."

Y/N laughed, "Well, Lawrence Stroll can't be refused."

Shortly afterward, they were on the right floor where both of them had their rooms. Lance handed her the key card and when she entered her room, she noticed a bouquet of roses and a small package on the bed.

"Lance..."

Turning around, she saw him biting his lip, trying to hide his smile.

"Yes, yes, I know, we had a deal. But these roses were practically free and the little gift next to it is, let's say, a shared one."

He explained, putting aside her suitcase. She also placed her bag down and approached the bed, picking up the bouquet of white roses. She smelled one and smiled, feeling their pleasant fragrance. Lance smiled too.

"You're impossible, you know that?"

"Open the gift."

He encouraged her, leaning against the wall.

She smelled the flowers once more and put them aside, taking the small package wrapped in black ribbon. As she untied it and unwrapped the light-colored paper, she discovered the familiar shade of green. It was a long, satin dress with thin straps, in the characteristic color of Aston Martin. She smiled to herself.

"I guess this is for tonight's dinner?"

Lance nodded, "Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful," she ran her fingers over the fabric, "I hope you have a shirt in the same color."

He chuckled.

"Don't worry, I won't disappoint you."

Indeed, at the agreed-upon time, Lance showed up at her door, wearing a shirt in the same color, black jeans, and matching shoes. He smiled at the sight of his friend, who opened the door ready to go.

"You look gorgeous. The color suits you."

Y/N laughed and closed the door behind her.

"That's good because otherwise, I would have to wear the white dress I brought with me, and someone might think I'm supporting Haas."

Lance laughed at her words, pleased to spend these few days with his friend. Honestly, he only stopped feeling lonely when she was around or when they had the chance to talk on FaceTime. Of course, it wasn't the same as having her physically by his side.

The evening passed in a pleasant atmosphere and time flowed effortlessly. Lawrence invited everyone who had arrived with Aston Martin to Bahrain, so instead of reserving a specific number of tables, Lance's father rented the entire restaurant for the evening.

Celebrating the team's excellent work during the winter months, the tables were adorned with champagne and white wine. Y/N had forgotten how weak her head could be, so after two glasses of wine during dinner, a slight buzz started to occupy her mind. Apologizing to Lance under the pretext of going to the bathroom, she stepped outside, sitting on the balcony. Despite being February, Bahrain offered pleasant temperatures, and even after the dark, a warm breeze caressed her exposed arms.

"Here you are."

The girl jumped, hearing his voice.

"You weren't around for half an hour, and I had the waitress check if something happened to you in the bathroom."

"I needed some fresh air."

Y/N replied, smiling at him. She noticed Lance's steps were a bit unsteady and a blush adorned his cheeks. When he sat next to her, she giggled.

"I can't believe we got tipsy."

Lance chuckled and rubbed his face with his hands.

"I won't lie, I'm feeling a bit dizzy."

Still giggling, the girl rested her head on his shoulder. Lance wrapped his arm around her waist and rested his cheek on her head.

"I'm glad you came."

"I'm glad you invited me."

"I'd give you the whole world if I only knew its price."

Hearing his words, Y/N raised her head and looked at his face. His brown, gentle eyes gazed at her affectionately and a faint smile played on the corners of his lips. Lance tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, gently caressing her cheek with his thumb.

"I hate that I can't give you anything in return."

Lance smiled, "Actually, there's something you could give me in return."

The girl raised her eyebrows inquisitively.

"You could be my girlfriend."

Y/N blinked several times, unsure if her slightly intoxicated mind was playing tricks on her or if she understood Lance correctly.

"Do you want me to be your girlfriend?"

"Oh, God, you have no idea how much."

The girl smiled and, without saying a word, cupped his cheeks in her hands and kissed him. Lance hugged her even tighter, returning the kiss, feeling a burst of fireworks in his stomach. He could bring her joy with money, and she could do it in just one way.

"I love you, Lance."

With love.

[atimelessheaven]

paige x flexible reader pretty please!!!!

HEATING PADS + CAR RIDES

fluff ◡̈

okay not a ton of context, which is fine. SOOO i’ve decided that i’m going to do it based off of myself. i have HEDS. basically im wayyy too flexible, and it truthfully isn’t as cool as the fun little “tricks”. i’m alwaysss in pain.

and ofc thank you @yailtsv for the header!!

*pleaseee ignore all errors*

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

it’s 4am and i am sitting here crying as silently as i can. my back hurts so bad it hurts to move, but this position also hurts. life sucks. paige is asleep beside me, and she has practice in the morning i would feel awful if i woke her up. so i’m stuck here trying to ignore the excruciating pain.

“babe? what’s wrong why are you crying?” paige says rolling over to try and pull me closer to her. the sudden movement sending sharp pain down my spine making me wince and cry louder. “baby i’m so sorry, i didn’t mean to hurt you i promise” paige says immediately apologizing for causing me more pain, she didn’t realize i was hurting. “m-my back h-hurts” i say trying to catch my breath from the pain wearing me down, but also my crying isn’t helping. “okay baby let me go get your heating pad” paige says trying to get up making me reach out to grab her arm “no don’t leave me” i say just wanting to keep her in my presence, she calms me down.

“what if i carry you into the living room with me, put you on the couch and then grab the heating pad from the car?” “nooo dont leave me, please i just want you to lay next to me, and go back to sleep, you have practice in a couple hours” i say whining, sleep deprived and also feeling bad paige is going to be tired at practice.

paige scoffs looking at me like im insane, “baby. in what world am i going to sleep knowing you are awake in pain? i don’t care if im tired at practice. i care that you are in pain, and i need to find a way to fix it.” “but” “no buts. i am going to carry you to the couch, get you your medicine, then go get your heating pad from the car. we can watch movies or something on the couch when i get back from the car. deal?” “fine, but instead can you take me on a car ride?” “of course, anything to make my baby feel better”

paige carried me from bed to the car, my blanket and all. making sure i’m all cozy in the passenger seat with my heating pad. “okay baby where do you want to go?” paige finally asks while putting her car in reverse. “anywhere is fine with me” “okay then let’s go, what should we listen to?” “…” paige sighed side eyeing my silence “of course princess, anything for you” she said rolling her eyes

“he’s after me cause im a schuyler sister that elevates his status id have to be naive to set that aside maybe that is why” i belt out while paige just shakes her head. “i still can’t get over the fact that you have this whole musical memorized, much less the fact that you prefer to listen to it over anything else”

after we drove around for about an hour paige finally decided who had to go home so she could get ready for practice.

“okay baby now that we’re home do you need anything before i leave?” “no, i feel better now. thank you for spending your morning with me. sorry i made you sleepy for practice.” i say feeling genuinely sorry that she had to take care of me.

paige just sighed and stared at me for a minute before saying “baby if you apologize one more time i’m seriously going to fight you. do not apologize to me because i was taking care of you. it’s my job to take care of you. never feel sorry becuase you need someone to take care of you, especially if it’s me. you don’t have to be in pain alone ever.” she said in the most sincere tone.

“i love you paigey.” i say feeling so content. “i love you more. ill see you after practice! bye i love youuu” paige says giving me a kiss and heading for the door.

[hellvcifer]

CARING FOR YOU WHEN YOU'RE SICK— ଘ drabbles ┆part 1

ft. pairings :: blitzø, stolas, poly!fizz/ozzie, poly!moxxie/millie // gn!reader wc :: 4.3k note :: i am still trying to flush out this sickness! it's awful but here's some more drabbles. ozzie and fizzy's is so long omg i have fizzmodeus brain rot and got carried away !! warnings :: canon typical language, pet names used instead of y/n (darling, dear, honey, bunny, babe, baby, pumpkin, sweetie), reader throws up, descriptions of throwing up, blitzø using insults as pet names, a little suggestive (blitzø and fizzmodeus)

꒰ BLITZØ ꒱

Moxxie held the phone away from his ear as he heard you trail into another coughing fit. “Can you please just tell him I can’t make it in today?” 

“You should really call him yourself.” He paced, worry etched into his brow. Millie glanced at him in concern. “If I tell him you’re sick–”

“Dont!” Your plugged nose filtered your voice. “Don’t tell him I’m sick…”

“What, why?” Moxxie paused, thinking about his boss and what exactly could happen if he were to say something. “Nevermind.” He shook his head. “What exactly am I supposed to tell him?”

“Tell who, what?” 

“Gyah!” Moxxie jolted, phone flying out of his hand as he zipped to turn and face his boss. Blitzø entered, eyes scanning the room. “Uh, nothing, Sir!”

“As much as I would love to tear you a new hole and fuck it, Mox, I have more important matters. Like finding out where the fuck my assistant is.” He frowned, realizing you hadn’t shown up yet. 

“Oh, uh, right!” Moxxie glanced at Millie, searching for some sort of answer.

“Out!” She spoke up, hands slamming on the table as she stood from her seat. “Told us to let you know! Something about picking up a recent order made for an upcoming client.”

“Fuck yeah!” Blitzø grinned before glaring, “See Mox, that’s how you get shit done. Instead of sitting here on your ass, jerking off.” 

“What? But Sir–”

“Anyways!” He strutted past the two and waltzed into his office. “Don’t bother me, I’ve got important shit I’m doing in here!” His words were followed by the slam of the door. Moxxie and Millie shared eye contact before releasing a relieved sigh.

Blitzø immediately walked over to his desk, lounging back in his chair and kicking his feet up. The place felt a bit off without you around. Typically, you two would sneak off into his office to hang out or mess around when you didn’t have any client work. 

He opened the drawers and saw the makeshift mini-figures he created of Millie, Moxxie, and you. A huge grin appeared on his lips, tongue sticking out happily. He knows exactly how to pass the time until you get back in the office. 

Except, you hadn’t come into the office for the rest of the day. Which okay, sure, you’re probably busy. But, eventually the one day turned into two; and then three; and now four. He stared down at his phone, seeing the last text you sent him five days ago. He really meant to send something, to check up on you. But would you even care if you hadn’t reached out to him first?

His eyes widened, jaw falling slack at the thought. That is until he heard Millie call out your name in an excited tone. He smiled instantly and jumped his desk, nearly ripping the door to his office off the hinges. 

“Fucking finally you show up!” He leaned against the frame, a smirk appearing on his face with his brow raised. Until he couldn’t find you. “What the–”

Millie was huddled over Moxxie’s shoulder, looking down at her phone in his hands. Loona was chilling at her desk watching videos on her own phone. “Oh, sorry, Sir. We just got a text… That’s all.”

They got a text? And not him? He gritted his teeth. “Okay, what the fuck do you– I mean. I’m the boss so– Fuck! You know what! They’re fired! See how they get by without a job, that Ass fucker.” 

“Uh, Blitzø?” Millie tried to calm him down. “You’re not actually gonna fire–”

“Oh don’t you worry your little head about it, Millie!” He stomped into a pace in front of the white board. “I’ll find out wherever the fuck they’ve been hiding and make sure–”

Loona’s phone went off, interrupting Blitzø’s rampage. Everyone stopped to look at her when she picked it up. “Hey… Yeah… You need more? Already? Yeah that’s fine… I’ll see you soon.” She hung up. The silence in the room caused her eyes to slide over to the others. They all blinked at her. 

“Oh no! You’re not going to see anyone missy!” Blitzø wagged his finger at her. She stood up, weight shifting to one side as she jutted her hip out. “Not until we find out where my shit face assistant is hiding!” 

“Are you serious?” Loona frowned at him. “They’re at their apartment.” 

“What.”

“I’ve been dropping stuff off these past few days while–”

“Oh that sexy dick sucker is gonna fucking pay!” He stormed out, not even hearing the rest of what Loona was going to say. She huffed.

“I’m not dealing with that.” She sat down in her chair again and went back to her phone. As much as she didn’t mind helping you while you recovered, she wasn’t going to try to interfere with the relationship you had with her dad. 

You felt your body tense at the loud noise heard from beyond your bedroom. Someone had knocked on your front door. You churned it up to one of your neighbors or someone with the wrong address and slowly closed your eyes once more.

The incessant banging prevented you from falling back to sleep. Now, a familiar voice had tacked on to the noise and caused you to let out a groan.

“Alright Dipshit, I know you’re in there! Open up the fuck up!” 

Knowing he’d eventually bust the door off the hinges or break the window, you arose from your sickened bedding and shuffled towards the front door with your blanket. “Go away!” You shouted, followed by a few short coughs. That stopped his thumping. 

“Gross, why the fuck do you sound like that?” 

“Oh fuck you, Blitzø!” You really had zero patience. The past few days your flu has only been getting worse. Loona tried to help out with the few things she brought over but whatever sickness you had was stubborn as hell. 

It was quiet… You encircled your blanket tighter around you as you got closer to the door, looking through the peephole and seeing that he was no longer there. Damn. Guess that worked. Which was odd knowing Blitzø.

“What the shit is this?!” Shouting came from your bedroom, followed by shuffling feet and your door slamming open to reveal the person you thought had left. You narrowed your eyes at him.

“Oh my Satan.” You rolled your eyes and walked over to your couch, feeling yourself become overly hot. “You can’t just break in when I don’t open the door!” You relinquished your blanket while sitting down. “I told you to leave!” 

“Yeah right!” He strutted over. “Just tell me the real reason you’re avoiding me!” Your eyes widened.

“What?”

“You may think your sorry ass was gonna get away with this,” He began pacing in front of your couch. “But I’ve got you all figured out.” He gestured wildly with his words.

“Blitzø.”

 “Texting with M&M… having my own Loonie visit you… not talking with me at all!”

“Blitzø!”

 “You really think it could go on without me–”

“I’m sick you dumbass!” You shouted and spurred a few coughs from you. He paused, slowly turning towards you. He finally took a real good look at your form. Runny nose that was rubbed to dry, bleary eyes, sunken cheeks. 

His eyes widened. “You mean… You didn’t just play hooky to avoid me?”

“No!” You shook your head. “Satan no, I would love to be at work right now.”

Blitzø sighed and glanced at your bedroom, seeing the trail of snotty tissues he pushed through to get to your living room. “Well that explains those.” 

You tried to smile, though it came off wearily. “Not to mention, I’ve thrown up twice already.” He glanced back at you. “And that’s just today!” It was quiet as he peered at the floor. 

He walked over, sitting next to you. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Your eyes met his, seeing them drill into your own with a hidden desire of curiosity and… hurt.

“Because…” You glanced away. “Clients have been slow… And, when I saw the rush of appointments we had this week, I didn’t want anything to mess it up or… Be in the way.” You squeezed your hands around your arms.

You felt something gently encircling your waist before yanking you closer to Blitzø. You peered down to see the tip of his tail. He rested his head against your own, sighing. “Fucking idiot.” He whispered. And although it was an insult, you know that it was from a place of endearment.

You scoffed a laugh before poking him in the chest. “You’ll get sick.”  You tried to push him away. He merely brushed your hands away and pulled you closer to him. 

“Fuck it, a few days off of work doesn’t sound so bad.”

“Except I’ll be the one that has to take care of your whiny ass when you do get sick.” 

He glanced at you. “Damn… your raspy voice is making my dick so hard right now.” He wiggled his eyebrows a few times. “Wanna fuck?” He smirked.

Leaning in, you feel a flutter within your stomach.“Oh~ Blitzø.” You whined, eyes half-lidded. Your cheeks filled with liquid before releasing the contents of your soup from earlier. Chunks flew onto his lap and all over the couch. The horrid taste coated your tongue as leftover bile leaked down your chin.

Blitzø sighed, slowly pushing your heaving face away from his dick. “Yeah I probably deserved that.”

꒰ STOLAS ꒱

The bird prince had just finished preparing himself, placing his crown on and taking one last glance in the mirror. He would be meeting you soon and wanted to look his best considering you both would be spending the whole day together. His phone buzzed and he chirped with excitement. He made quick steps over to his phone with a smile. That is, until he saw your text.

Stolas honey, I can’t make it. I’m so sorry.  I think I’ve caught some kind of flu. Can we reschedule?

He felt his brows crease immediately, frown sinking its way onto his lips. “Flu?” He questioned. Well this wasn’t good at all. His fingers immediately began typing.

Hello darling, I’m so sorry to hear that… Perhaps we could be together even while you're sick. A little company while feeling ill always seems to help me.  Would you like it if I came over? I could help take care of you while you recover. I don’t mind really, I just want to make sure you have everything you need to feel better. Of course, we don’t have to if you don’t want to

He anxiously awaited a reply, pacing across his room in front of his vanity. Did he come off too needy? Maybe he should have just wished you to feel better and be on his way. But how could he when his loved one is feeling sick? He saw that you read the messages and were currently typing. The bubbles went away a few times and with each passing second, he felt his stomach twist with nerves.

I really want to see you…  But I would hate for you to get sick :(

His response back was almost immediate.

No problem at all darling, I promise. A little sickness won’t harm me. I’ll see you in a few <3

After reading his text back, you wearily smiled. As much as you wanted to tell him not to come, in fear of him catching whatever bug you had, you were desperately hoping to see him today. Things had been hectic in both of your schedules so it had been awhile since you two had seen each other. Let alone have time to go out and do activities together. 

And of course, Satan was a bitch and chose today of all days to curse you. Or should you say, this entire week he’s been testing your limit. It started out as a small cough and runny nose. It might have gone away faster if you weren’t so stubborn, but that little bit turned into a full blown, body ache and fever. 

You laid back down in your bed, placing your phone on your bedside table and sighing. It will be nice to see Stolas, that’s for sure. Having been away from him for so long was taking its toll on you. He really did recharge your draining battery. You closed your eyes, thinking about his caring nature and loving words. Oh to see him will possibly end this sickness instantly.

Stolas pulled his phone out and texted that he had arrived. He grabbed the bags from his car and waved his chauffeur away. The car drove off as he walked up to your door. He knocked a few times, hoping it wouldn’t be much trouble for you to answer. “Darling?” He called out but received no answer. The prince called your cell but again, no answer. He huffed, wondering if you decided on not wanting to see him. Or what if… You were really sick. So sick that you were dying! 

Stolas broke in immediately, feet trailing through your place as if he lived there. He found his way into your bedroom, opening the door and seeing you in bed. A long breath escaped his worried lungs, feeling relief when he saw your chest moving in a deep sleep as he walked over.

“Oh, my dear.” He placed a hand on his chest, kneeling down to the side of your bed. Stolas felt an ache grow within his heart as he gazed at your form. Sweaty, shaking, breathless. You appeared tired even as you slept. “My darling, why would you push yourself like this.” He could simply tell that you didn’t get sick today alone, but were most likely not taking care of yourself as you should have been.

His hand reached out, caressing your overly warm forehead before raking his fingers lightly along your scalp. The motion slowly brought you awake, eyes fluttering open to see your lover aside your bed. 

“Stolas.” You smiled dreamily before realizing he had arrived. You pushed yourself up. “Oh my goodness, I feel asleep!” Your eyes were wide as your outburst shocked him. Sitting up so quickly, you felt pressure bloom in your head and held it. “Ow…”

“Careful, dear.” He placed a hand on your leg, circling it to soothe you with some comfort. “I’m here now. You don’t have to worry your sick–” He booped your nose. “–little head about anything.” He leaned in, pressing a kiss to your temple. “I’ll always be here to take care of you.”

꒰ ASMODEUS & FIZZAROLLI ꒱

“Hm?” You felt your blurred vision focus on the jester in front of you, headache making itself even more prominent the more you tried to will it away. 

“Agree with my choice for dinner after the show tonight!” He bounced in place, arms motivating his movements. 

“Oh, uh… Yeah sure.” You stood up and quickly walked over to your vanity, a shaky hand reaching out for the edge as you sat. Asmodeus and Fizz watched as your behavior was completely different from how you typically were before a night at Ozzie’s.

“Oh Honey~” Oz's sultry voice dug into your skull. “Something the matter?” He asked, cautious of your emotions. You shook your head, a strained smile appearing on your lips. 

“Not at all!” Heat rushed over your face, a sweat now brewing from an oncoming fever. “Just nervous for tonight. The new routine and all.” You glanced away.

“Aw, our little Bunny is all shakin’ up?” Ozzie walked over, his finger caressing your chin and tilting your face to look up at him. “That don’t sound right at all~” He smirked, though you could see the underlying worry in his eyes as they dipped at the corners.

Sleek metal arms squeezed around you and brought you into a tight hug. “Don’t worry, Babe! If you forget a step or two, just look at me and I’ll help you out.” He wagged his eyebrows at you, tongue sticking out of his upturned lips.

You let out a nervous laugh, feeling the sweat begin to build up on your forehead. “Yeah, thanks, Fizzy.” He leaned in, cheeks squishing together as you both glanced at yourselves in the mirror. The clammy coating on your skin dug into your mind. You worried he might feel just how warm you were becoming due to your fever. You recoiled quickly. “Uh, I think it’s time!” You grabbed your matching cap n’ bells and placed it on your head.

Fizz was saddened at your reaction, peaking at Oz to see if he felt the weird tension coming off of you. As much as he wanted to push for more, he worried that he would upset you. But he couldn’t just let you go without doing something. “Hey.” Fizz grabbed your shoulders, turning you towards him oh so gently, his voice softening. “Are you really okay?” His eyes dewed as his lips pulled into pout. 

Your head tilted to the side, bells jingling as you did. “Yes, yes! Of course!” You released a heavy breath, stomach churning. “I’m fine! Totally fine!” Your voice cracked at the end of your words. You stepped closer to the door, escaping your dear Fizzy’s hold. “I’ll get into position now!” You opened the door, beginning to wave at them with your fingers. “Bruise some knees and make them cum, my lustful babes!” 

Finally you were free from the room, air so heavy you felt as if it weighed you down. Breathe. Just breathe. You began climbing the ladder to the catwalk to get into position for the opening act that was supposed to start shortly. Your stomach rolled a few more times with the movement, causing you to clasp a hand around your mouth. You felt the bile raise into your throat with a burp but swallowed it back down. The taste barely coating your tongue. 

Don’t. Puke. Just put on the show and everything will be fine. You grasped the stripper pole in front of you, hearing the introductions begin. Your platform would be lowered down anytime now. Your knuckles tightened around the metal. Breathe. You closed your eyes. 

A jolt sent a shake through your legs as you felt yourself beginning to descend. Slowly, the glowing eyes of the audience came into view, spotlights on you as the music blared loudly. 

“The one! The only!” Fizz spoke into the mic, arm outstretched in your direction. Breathe. Smile. Show time. He screamed your name, you flashed a strained grin and began your routine, singing your solo part. 

It was going fine for the first few minutes. Your duet with Fizz and the routine felt as if it was muscle memory. Until he grabbed your hand and began to spin you, a few times too many than what you had practiced. When he had finished, he sprung onto the opposite side of the stage and continued his performance. But you, on the other hand, were left in a dizzying mess.

You stumbled, trying to hold your bearings as much as possible. The flashing spotlights made things worse the more you tried to focus on not throwing up. Unfortunately, that made everything more difficult. The lights centered on you, awaiting your final high-note. Ozzie watched your hunched over form, his faces frowning in concern.

Fizz peered at you, his smile faltering when he noticed your hand clasped over your mouth and the pained expression you displayed. He took a few steps closer but you bolted off stage, exiting fast behind the curtain. The two remaining snapped to look at each other before Asmodeus flashed away in a heartbeat. 

Fizzy glanced at the crowd, his worrisome face disappeared to the silly grin he always held. He addressed the situation and transitioned to the next act seamlessly, covering for you as if that whole mishap was supposed to happen. He left the stage quickly while the next performance took over. Making his way in the direction you ran off in, he was able to locate you and Ozzie in the bathroom next to the dressing room. Concern etched onto his face as he saw you.

Oz had shifted to his smaller form, hand caressing your back as your head hovered the toilet bowl. “Ahw, it's okay baby. Let it out.” Sweet velvet tones caressed you in comfort as tears streaked down your face. Fizz’s heels clicked over before he sat down on the other side of you. His metal limbs cool against your heated skin. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I wanted too–” You hiccuped. 

“Hey, hey, calm down, babe.” Fizz spoke gently, petting your head as you leaned into him. “You should have told us you weren’t feeling well.”

“Froggy’s right.” Oz added. “The show means nothing if your health is at risk.” He tilted your face to look at him. “You mean everything to us. You come first.” Your eyes watered at his words, lip quivering. 

“I-I wanna go home.” You sputtered, a hand reaching out to each of them and squeezing tightly. Fizz leaned his head against yours, tail pulling you closer to him.

“I’ll nurse you better, Baby.” He smiled. 

“Sounds like,” You hiccuped, followed by a sniffle. “A fun new roleplay we can try.” You quipped with a smirk.

“And we can wear cute nurse outfits!” Fizzy kicked his feet, tongue blepped at the thought. 

Ozzie stood, shifting to his larger form and grabbing you both in his arms, lifting you. “After Bunny is feeling better, okay you two?”  He shook his head, though an endearing smile remained as he ducked through the door, ready to take his lovers home and get you on your way to recovery. 

꒰ MOXXIE & MILLIE ꒱

“Uh… Babe?”

“Yeah?” Moxxie called from the bathroom, his mouth garbled with the spit from foamy toothpaste.

Millie felt your forehead with the back of her hand, noticing your abnormal body temperature almost immediately. “Our little Pumpkin is burning up right now.”

“What?” He spat the extra fluoride into the sink and ran out into the bedroom. He saw you still in bed, body curled up and face scrunched in pain. “Oh, crumbs.” He quickly got closer, sitting on the mattress and copying his wife’s actions. His brows dipped in concern as he stared down at you, his other hand going to your shoulder and rubbing softly. 

“We’ll have to call in.” Millie bit her lip, brows furrowing. “We can’t go to work and leave ‘em here alone.”

“You’re right, Sweetie.” He stood back up. “I’ll call and look for some ibuprofen to help with the fever.”

“I’ll fix up some tea.” Millie leaned over, her lips gently placing a kiss on your clammy forehead before she walked away into the kitchen.

“Wait!” You tried sitting up even though there was an immense amount of pressure in your head. They both looked at you worriedly. “Don’t stay home…” Millie came and sat next to you, her hand rubbing your back as you held your head in discomfort. “I can take care of myself, okay?” You looked at her. “I’ll be fine.”

“Oh, honey.” Her eyes stared at you, taking in every bit of your face. “We know that. And before you were with us, that may have been what you’re used to. But ‘round here we take care of each other.” She leaned in, forehead kissing yours as you both closed your eyes at the contact. Moxxie sighed at the scene, his hands hovering his heart. 

He walked closer. “And we’ll always be here.” He kneeled on the bed, scooting closer before kissing your cheek. “We’re taking the day off. No matter what you try to say to convince us not to.” He smiled gently before grabbing his cell and returning to his task from before. 

You melted at both of their actions, the care and comfort they offered so endlessly being a new feeling to you. Typically, you’d get sick and fight through it on your own. Sleeping in bed and rotting until it finally flushed itself from your system. But this was a completely different feeling, one that you’re slowly getting used to and relishing in the affection.

Moxxie called your boss and through a shit ton of convincing, he was finally able to get Blitzø to agree and let the three of you have the day off. It was basically the entire staff for I.M.P. that wasn’t going to show up for the day, so obviously he was pissed.

Millie walked in and handed you some tea while Moxxie came over with some medication in his hand. “This should help with your fever.” You were able to take them easily and sipped your tea. 

“Need anything else right now, Sweetie?” Millie asked. You shook your head, slowly handing the tea back.

“I kinda wanna just sleep right now.” You muttered, glancing at the covers over your legs.

“Mind if we join you?” She smiled softly, her voice quiet to not make things any worse. “A little cuddle session always makes you and Moxxie feel better.”

“I don’t want you two getting sick.” You glanced between them. “As much as I would love to.”

“Well, technically we already slept together last night.” Moxxie began before crawling under the covers and getting situated on his side of the bed. 

“That’s right!” Millie followed his actions, scooting you over so you were in between them. “If we get sick, then we’ll be sick together.” She snuggled right into your side, her tail looping around you and Mox and squeezing tightly. You felt another warm sensation crawl across your skin though this time, it wasn’t due to your fever. You sighed, eyes fluttering shut, feeling your lovers’ arms circle around you.

An odd sound was heard from the ceiling before a hefty lump landed onto the bed. Everyone's eyes shot open to see a familiar person.

“Sir!?” Moxxie called out, voice raised. 

“Fuck this shit!” Blitzø got up and stormed out of the bedroom. “I thought yall would be porking it up in a sexy threeway!”

likes and reblogs appreciated !! ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ

[gamblersdoll]

manipulation, work drama, coworker! sukuna

people hated and loathed working for him, he was a total brute and alot of times, an asshole.

he was known to piss employers or colleagues off, weather it be his smart ass mouth or it be he got into a fight with them. it worsens, as soon as he got into a management level.

he was also known to let people go for the smallest of things, (really, really small things). hes even let a man go for having bad breath, because what made that acceptable for work? especially for customers who came in— and he doesnt feel like dealing with that.

you somewhat feared him, this being your longest job and the only one thats kept you from being unemployed. in this economy? youd die. plain and simple— but yet, you have no qualms with the brute. they called him ‘the devil’s employee’ for anything he did, always running his mouth. yet, all you saw was a man who somehow got a job even with all the body modifications, yet back then youd be let go if your hair was ‘unkempt.’

who did he have to bargain to get this job?

your mind raced as your feet led to his office, he having the closed door policy— dont bother him unless he bother you, or emergency. even then, youd be fired if you came to him for an emergency.

three knocks on the door, and it swings open in a rage. “what?!” he looks for a bit, forgetting hes damn straight taller than everyone, and he finally sees you. “business?”

“uhh— you said you wanted me in yer office?” you remind, he nodding and beckoning his finger to his chairs. you only sneak inside, sitting immediately as he kicks the door shut. “whats this about?”

“you tell me.”

was he dumb, stupid, or slow? he cant be, he somehow got this job, so what the hell does he mean ‘you tell me?’

“uh, im not sure? you came to me with your demands.” you still have to remind this fine tatted fuck hes the one who called for you. it eats away at you, the nervous and tension bit at your skin for minutes.

“you look like a decently smart girl, yeah?” sukuna says, leaning back in his chair, almost manspreading and pressing his finger to his jaw to keep it up. “you know everyone of this company’s policies and procedures, huh?”

you nodded, giving a look as in ‘get to the fucking point.’

“so you should know there isnt a reason you should be intimate with coworkers.” he blurts, watching your face grow in confusion.

“you lost me.” you throw your hands up, sighing. “who am i supposed to be intimate with?” because how dare he— you hadnt been intimate with anyone in the workplace, not even outside (okay, not going too far.. just casually on dates!) so who were you dating in the workplace that he accused you of?”

“you know who im talking about.” he says monotone again, tapping his heavy foot on the floor.

“i truly dont.. sorry to tell.”

“saiko.” he says, as if you were supposed to know who that was. “says hes been seein’ you for the last couple of days.”

“saiko can kiss my ass.” you grit, he was known to find a pretty girl and just lie about statuses and relationships. “me and saiko dont even have each other’s phone numbers.” this had to be the most ridiculous thing you dealt with, thought sukuna was smart and maybe saiko would pick you next.

he raises an eyebrow , his vein slightly popping through his shirt. “watch yer mouth talkin’ to me, girl.” he reminds, could he write up for insubordination? no, hed just terminate you for it. “so if i were to investigate more, i wouldnt find anything you were hiding?”

“no, because again, i dont date inside my work.”

he nods, pressing his tongue against his cheek and he quickly stands. a couple small strides, and he folded his arms— standing over you. it looked lewd, like he was trying to shove his cock in your face. “you sure you wanna go with that, or am i going to find something else?”

he should be the one questioned about this, his literal groin was almost touching your face— dont even get yourself started on how big his thighs were. “no..?” you still say, because you were in the clear. he nods, backing away and he opens the door.

“beat it.” he beckons again, watching your hips as you walked out.

yet, there was a reason of his sudden questioning.

a sick, perverted, disgusting reason of why he asked, because hes had his sights on you for months, almost a year.

he could have just asked you on a date, a coffee run, or marybe just numbers. but your answers were known, he knew you didnt date inside the workplace. it angered him, he felt like he was indirectly rejected.

he knew he wasnt, but he also thinks you should know when its okay to let loose.

it was a simple crush he had— wouldnt even call it that to think of it, but it manifested itself into something else. he started having these lingering thoughts and looks, like he was longing. to hell with the ‘policies and practices’ bullshit, he had more power than anyone.

people who noticed that he was staring at you in meetings and gossiped were let go, with the reasons of insubordination, bad breath, improper behavior, many more.

he only grew more sick when he became a management level, having more authority over you— everyone he disliked. but that also ment he had authority over saiko, the man who wasnt as creepy as sukuna. he was known to find a nice looking woman and make up a scenario where you were dating.

and that angered the devils’ employee. because why the hell did he think he had a chance with you? how did he come up with this idea on his own? thats what sukuna wanted to know. and quite frankly, he didnt fuckin’ care.

saiko was then terminated and blacklisted, last you heard after your ‘meeting.’

[abigailovesz]

“HI OFFICER” synopsis: after jj's plan goes wrong, you have too watch the two boys tackle like children after an argument.

pairing: jj maybank x quiet!pogue!reader

warnings: harmless fighting, swearing, and mentions of drugs.

a/n: based off this scene and this scene! also, not much talking from reader idk it just turned out that way, i actually do not really like this one, honestly- i could do better, i wrote this at 12 am last night and i dont wanna rewrite it soo.

"YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHAT'S IN THE BACK OF THIS TRUCK?" John b asked, staring out of the U-Haul's windshield. You on the other hand? Your head faced forward, jaw clenched and eyes looking at JJ like he'd just ruined every single thing in one hour! which he did, actually. last time you checked.

yes, he did just get offered to drive a u-haul that is currently full of drugs.  no cops have come blaring his lights at the vehicle, yet. the whole situation was that we, as in pogues, had to find a way to get to South Africa without passports, airplanes, and money to get John b's kidnapped dad and maybe a few bits of gold.

Luke used to work for a drug smuggler, that man he worked for did happen to have a plane that could transport everyone to South Africa, but it's not that easy. It takes a whole lot of convincing while you sit there and listen to the conversation. but, jj was very persuasive as always. 'we'll help you unload the plane' was basically what he was saying from what you heard.

the Mike dude changed plans when you all got there. Mike asked all of you to deliver the drugs in the  u-haul, so that's how you got here. "yes John b, I know what's in the back of the truck right now, it's gonna be fine, it's gonna work out okay?" JJ spoke, trying to convince him that it-would-be-fine, wasn't really working for neither you or John b, but JJ never listens. No point in trying.

you sighed audibly, looking at JJ with narrowed eyes. This job is dangerous, risky and you three are already in danger, well, with a few cops and kooks after John b sorta knocked topper unconscious. yeah.

"I am so sick of your bullshit plans, JJ" John b says while leaning forward to look at the side of JJ’s face, his eyes connected to the road. "goddamn" JJ gritted through his teeth, your eyes flicking between him and John b. you looked forward and wondered, where in motherfucking hell are we going?

"JJ, do you even know where we’re fucking going?" you asked in confusion and disbelief. He opened his mouth to speak, hesitating before John b reached behind you and grabbed the paper map. "ah, yeah- get the map out, uh- can ya hold it, baby?" JJ said and looked at your hands holding the map then the road again.

You sighed and cleared your throat, holding up the map so he could see it without crashing the car. John b peeked over your shoulder. "alright, we needa get to one fifty eight." JJ squinted his eyes and looked at the roading on the map.

"oh Jesus, there's a cop." John b said while looking ahead towards the cop, the tall man stood outside of an anonymous cars window, notepad in hand. "shit, be cool, okay?- cool." You said like he didn't know the world cool, honestly? he pretty much didn't. didn't know how to act cool in these situations. "shit," he whispered, eyes trained on the officer. Once again, you had drugs in the vehicle, amazing.

"I'm- I'm as cool as it gets, alright?" JJ picked his two fingers up, hesitantly trying to find out a situation, you raised a brow but leaned back into your chair like you totally weren't in a vehicle filled with illegal items.

"what are you doing?- don't, don't do that" you whispered shouted  and looked at the cop, begging his head to not turn when you pass. "I'm- yeah, m'just gonna wave." your eyes widen, "no!" but quickly shut up when you got too loud. Cops could hear you. The car inched closer and he waved his hand with a smile. "hi officer."

"JJ." John b spoke firmly, like some sort of dad. his hand reached towards JJ, nearly hitting your face in the process. the car took a swerve and hit a hanging tree branch, barely skimming off the road for a moment, and you reached for anything- JJ's hand. but, thank god, the car continued to drive down the streets.

"Why'd you touch me?" He nearly screamed at John b, his hand still in yours when he raises it. "well, don't wave at cops! Rule number one of driving in a U-Haul!" You sighed, "okay, okay-shut up! The cop isn't behind us.”

finally, they shut up and JJ continues to drive down the street; but you were wrong, the cop is behind you! Amazing, once again. "he's coming! he's coming, shit!" you tensed up when the sirens blared and the car trailed behind the 3 of you.

"shit! damnit, okay, goblin mode alright?" jj shouted in panic. you squeezed his hand and closed your eyes, head tilting up at the ceiling as the boys yelled at the top of their lungs. "goblin mode, what does that even mean?!" John b said while his eyes flickered to the lights and then to the windshield.

"it's what we gotta do. hang on, hang on!" he tightens his hold on your hand and surprisingly, with one hand- he manages to turn the wheel and pull into the green forest, the sirens still blaring behind. he stopped at the entrance and the cop didn't see you, wow. "alright, get out! Go, go" he rushed, not letting go of your clammy hand while sliding out of the vehicle with you trailing behind. all 3 of you ran into the trees and through the bushes. "dude, I swear if we get caught, l'm gonna kill you." John b pants, running behind you and JJ.

"well, ya probably won't have to because very soon, mikes gonna kill us first," JJ rasps, running with your hand. when you reach an opening, you all stop to get a breath. "okay, what the fuck? what just happened?" You nearly yell, snapping at the two after you'd been keeping it all in that whole car ride.

"listen, ba-" jjs panting voice gets cut off by john bs rant, "my dad- is probably in South America, with a knife to his through right now." He speaks through ragged breaths. "like, what are we doing?we gotta wait? In goblin mode? What-" he throws his hands in the air and you watched them while panting, legs sore from running and sitting all that time.

" how many times do i have to- I'm trying to help you save your dad!" JJ shouts mid sentence, his hand in front of him while looking straight as John b. you rolled your eyes, leaning down to grab a piece of grass, toying with it while watching them argue, not like you haven't many times, too many times.

"help is the exact opposite of what your doing right now!" John b shouts right back and JJ sighs deeply, and long. "Y'know what your right, your absolutely right, you know who's fault that is?" He takes a few steps toward him, his jaw clenched. "you and your treasure- obsessed father.”he finishes, looking straight at his eyes, you knew what was gonna happen when he speaks about his father.

Push.

John b's hands connect with his chest, pushing him back a few steps, JJ breathes out a chuckle, a bit humor, not too much. "Ohh, okay, that's where we're goin'?"

"yeah, that's where we're goin'" John b said, jaw clenched while he looked straight at jis eyes, then his stupid smirk. "yeah, and it looks like we just went there too," he pushed John b back, and you groaned, looking up at the sky, god help me.

you didn't really know who was pushing who, but they eventually ended up tackling eachother onto the grass floor, JJ speaking words of encouragement while they rolled around like pathetic animals. "y'know im right here?" you speak calmly, but irritably and JJ does hear it but doesn't respond, too focused on John b. you started humming a song while your feet dragged toward them, grunting and sounds of hitting heard, crickets chirping.

you rolled your eyes and lifted your foot, kicking him in the side, not to hurt to bad, but it made him flinch. "stop acting like children and get your asses up, or I'm gonna walk out into the woods and walk my way back to Kildare, so l don't end up in jail." Your lying, you wouldn't leave them. and, Kildare is miles from here and you know JJ would do anything to make you stay, or would stop whatever he was doing to get you to keep 'your cute self' in his sight.

JJ groaned and rolled to the side of John b, both of them panting, not just because of the run- but the immature tackling too. "fine." He grumbled and stood up, looking at you with annoyed eyes but they always soften. Like, no matter what.

"Y'know I think you'll both be fighting like that until you get all wrinkly" you grumbled and John b got up, hitting JJ's shoulder, not enough to make him fall over, but he didn't do it back- thankfully.

they both don't respond to your comment and instead- shoupe shows up! That is just great, could the day get any better?

[crushedsweets]

Which songs would you pick as theme music for each of the Creeps?

i'm picking songs from MY daily playlist, which is mostly indie love songs - so these arent entirely accurate, but i think it forces a unique perspective (and im far too lazy to perfectly curate a song per character)

TIM is fast car by tracy chapman; "maybe together we can get somewhere; any place is better; you and i can both get jobs; and finally see what it means to be living"

BRIAN is 4runner by brenn; "i see you're still doing the same old; hanging out with people like me; you know i'm trying to get a little bolder; so, this town is where i'd rather you be"

TOBY is king for a day by piece the veil; "won't you push me for the last time; you want a martyr? i'll be one; now i dont want to feel a thing anymore; im tired of begging for the things that i want; im over sleeping like a dog on the floor; imagine living like a king someday"

KATE is hammer by hana vu; "are we gonna make it? cause i have to; i don't wanna be here but i do; and i run away cause i ruined mine; and i fall asleep cause i get so tired; and its hard to say what the trouble is; ill run away til its all behind"

NINA is cologne by beabadoobee; "at least leave the scent of your cologne; i'm not done yet; please, kiss my neck; lets go for another round; i hate what this song is about; am i attractive? tell me, am i good enough? lately i've been on an off; i think ive hurt too much; think i'm gong to explode"

CLOCKY is tell me its okay/im not angry anymore by paramore; "maybe its been years since i genuinely smiled; and maybe its been years since i wanted to be apart of anything, but lately i've been good, you know, i've actually been great; man, i even laughed a little today, oh so strange"

JACK is the dead coming talking by roe kapara; "feel the worms eating holes through my mind; light regrets that'll kill me in time; walking backwards is always a guess; distance faces burn holes in my chest"

LAZARI is my mother wants me dead by carolesdaughter; "nobody can say they know me; i know my mother wants me dead; i cant trust you, i know you bleed blue"

BEN is hot rod by dayglow; "my memory is not like the other one; maybe i'm not all that you thought; we don't move like we used to do; maybe you're not such a hot rod"

SALLY is oysters in my pocket by royel otis; "oysters in the pocket; not that we are selfish; we just haven't learnt much; send me on my bicycle; the chain is all rust"

JANE is lucerene by richy mitch & the coal miners; "i fervently want some time alone; no wine, no elixir, no spirits can make me whole; i say it with pain; i don't know if im in the right yet; still some burnt blood remains"

JEFF is scrawny by wallows; "still wear the same shoes i did back then; i dont think theyve ever been untied; dont care to watch the story unfold; hate feeling like im not in control; now tell me im a scrawny mother fucker with a cool hairstyle"

LIU is didya think by arlie; "never thought you'd be the kinda guy to get a day job; never thought you'd be the kinda guy to take a safe route; so why ya sittin around? did ya think it'd be easy?"

DINA is my bodys made of crushed little stars by mitski; "im not doing anything; my bodys made of crushed little stars; would you kill me, jerusalem? i should tell them im not afraid to die"

ANN is baby you're a haunted house by gerard way; "better find another superstition; your heart will stay forever; when your last remains are few; ill be the ghost inside your head when we are through; sometimes you scare me; and i'll find a way to scare you too"

LULU is stella brown by jelani aryeh; "i don't know what to talk about; how has my head just hollowed out? spend my time awaiting, lying; patient inside this racing mind; i'm too precautious and i often doubt"

[burntb4bydoll]

I need so bad some Tokio Hotel member with a shy reader frrr, like she being shy and they being sweet, that's some hot shit.

Im actually pretty shy myself irl🤞dont be in my comments calling this cringe either, i think its so annoying when people shit on other people for wanting shy reader fics. it literally makes no sense to me because if you dont like it then dont read it🥰

Tokio Hotel with a shy s/o headcanons (slightly NSFW)

Bill kaulitz

•he can be a little shy himself, but for the most part hes pretty extroverted

•definitely makes sure that the attention is on him instead of you. He’ll make a fool out of himself if he needs to

•thinks its so damn cute when you get all shy and flustered when he compliments you. The shy smile on your face is his favorite thing in the world

•he will totally tease you about it too. The way you hide your face in his shirt makes him smirk so hard

• “aww its okay, sweetheart. No need to get all shy.” And he says that in the most teasing voice ever while stroking your hair

•loves when you can barely look him in the eyes, he thinks the way you get so nervous just because hes looking at you is very endearing

•makes you look into his eyes while he gives you head😇 if you look away, he slaps your thigh lightly and raises his eyebrow at you until you can hold eye contact with him

Tom Kaulitz

•omg hes such a little tease about it

•he always brings up when you get flustered or embarrassed

• “whats wrong, baby? You getting all shy on me?” LIKE STFU YES I AM

•hes a big attention grabber when you go out in public due to being famous and also being a attractive guy with good fashion sense, but he tries to distract you so that you dont get uncomfortable

•points out random things and just talks about random things to make you stop thinking about all the eyes on you

•will fight anyone who makes you feel bad about being shy. It’s completely normal and okay to be shy and he won’t let anyone tell you otherwise

•you get so embarrassed cuz you get all teary and needy when he fucks you. So he makes sure you know how good you’re doing 🤭

“It’s alright, you’re doing such a good job for me baby. My pretty little slut, hm?”

Georg Listing

•lord he is THRIVING

•strong believer that he would love a shy s/o

•he finds your bashfulness extremely refreshing and adorable. I think overly confident people would kinda annoy him so he likes that you’re humble and keep to yourself

•loves to give you random compliments just to see your eyes go wide and your hands come up to cover your face

•he pulls your hands away and tilts his head at you, trying to get you to look at him

“What’s wrong, babydoll? All I did was call you pretty. It that too much for you?”

• if you get too nervous to talk to workers or order your own food, he 100% does it for you

•he will make you use your words if you want something, because he knows how embarrassed you get and he thinks its so hot.

“Come on, you know you gotta use your words if you want something. Just tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you.” So you gotta tell him when you want him to fuck you or else he’ll pretend like he doesn’t know what you want cuz hes an asshole🙄

Gustav Schäfer

•tbh he doesn’t really know how to help you at the beginning of your relationship

•he sees you getting embarrassed and just awkwardly rubs your back😭 HES CONFUSED LEAVE HIM ALONE

•but once he gets more comfortable, he knows what to do to help you feel better

•likes when you hide in his side or hide your face in his arm, it makes him feel important😇

•doesn’t even ask if you want him to order your food for you, he does it on his own. He’ll ask you what you want before its time to order so that he doesn’t have to ask you mid order

•HATES when people laugh at you for being shy. A lot of jealous fans like to make fun of you but he always makes sure to tell them off. No one talks bad about his s/o, he doesn’t care if they’re “fans” or not.

•he’ll always make sure you’re comfortable during sex, he would hate if you felt like you couldn’t tell him what you do and dont want

“Is this okay? I know you get shy, but I need to know what you want, honey. You want my fingers? Thank you for telling me, such a good girl/boy/baby.”

[thefrontmanscockwarmer]

Desire (part 2)

Player 001 x reader [SMUT]📖

Masterlist <- Comment on this post to be added to the tag list

Part 1

Tw: mentions of death, drugs, and physical abuse done to reader in a past relationship.

“The mask.” You said as you scanned his body.

“I can’t” he replies.

“So, you’re going to eat with it on? Pretty fucking dumb if you ask me” you scoffed. You walked up to him. Reaching for his mask, he grabbed your wrist before you could touch it. “I’m not scared of you.” You say, barely above a whisper.

“I am a million times more horrific than you are, (y/n). You don’t scare me either, even after your performance.” He answers back.

“Just let me see how beautiful you are” you beg quietly. he slowly leg go of your wrist, trusting you. You slowly remove his mask. Revealing beautiful, dark, eyes. His face was one of a kind, beautiful in every way. “You’re so handsome” you say.

“Thank you” he smiled shyly. “Dinner” he said, leading you to the ball room. You sat at a smaller table, Facing each other.

“What would you like to drink?” He asked pulling your chair, waiting for you to sit down.

“Whiskey please” you respond as he pushed in your chair.

“So, Mr. Front man, how did you get here?” You ask over the brim of your glass.

“In ho” he said. “my name is In Ho”

“Oh, well In Ho, how did you get here?”

“Well, I was a past winner. But, after I won, I had now where to go so the Front Man offered me his job so he could be a VIP” he explained. “I’m not necessarily supposed to be telling you this…” he trailed as if erasing every everything he said.

“It’s okay, I have no one to tell” you say, smiling sadly. “My mom died giving birth to me and my dad… well, he got really into some bad shit and he’s i dont know where”

“Have you tried to find him?” In Ho asked, making a mental note of something he couple do for you.

“Yeah, I’ve been looking for a really long time. I was actually spending my last few won on a bus ticket before your recruiter approached me offering to play Ddakji for money.” You responded. You sat in silence for a moment, the only sound was the slight scraping of silverware as you ate.

“I miss my father” you admitted. Words that had never been spoken. “I just wish I knew where he was, I wouldn’t judge him or try to fix him if he didn’t want to be fixed… I just want to see him and show him how strong I am.” In Ho nodded. You started to shed tears, the first time he had seen you cry since you had been there. He rushed to your side.

“Hey, it’s okay” he got onto one knee to level with you. “(Y/n), we will find him. I will find him… for you” he said. You looked at him, locking eyes intensely. In a moment of emotion, you kissed him. Surprised, you pulled back, covering your mouth.

“I’m so sorry, i don’t know why i- “ In Ho rapidly pressed his lips onto yours quickly. You melted into the kiss, he stood pulling you with him. He pushed you against the table, heatedly making out with you. You moaned into the kiss, allowing his tongue entry. He searched your mouth, almost like he was counting teeth. He hiked up your dress picking you up and setting you on the table, holding you close to him. You started undoing his belt.

“Wait” he gasped, breaking apart from you. Your face was flushed, grabbing his face and kissing him again. You continued to undo his belt. He picked you up again, making you wrap your arms around his neck. He carried you out of the ball room, stopping on the wall outside to make out. He continued walking, stopping periodically to make out on walls.

You finally made it to his room. He dropped you onto the bed, crawling between your legs as you sat back in bed breathlessly. You looked at him, his neck covered in lips stick kiss marks.

He planted his lips on yours once more, allowing you to undo his neck tie and star unbuttoning his shirt. You pushed his shirt back as his pulled you further underneath him, towering over you. He trailed kisses down your jaw before attaching to your neck, marking you as his.

He laced an arm under your thigh, grinding into you as he did, pulling a sinful moan of out your body. He left hickies on every square inch of your neck, deep purples and blues starting to surface. He pulled the hem of your dress up and teased your clit through the sheer thong you wore. Gaining groans from deep within you, you looked at him, a smirk plastered on his face at the face that he is destroying a self-proclaimed demon who feared no man.

“Not, so big now huh, (y/n)?” He teased playfully. You turned your head from embarrassment. He snuck his hand into your panties, sinking two fingers into your core. A guttural moan of satisfaction left your tiny body. “You’re nothing more than a girl, (y/n).” He whispered in your ear. “But, you’re my girl now” Admittedly, you were wrapped around his fingers and soaking the palm of his hand.

You were his, his because of his mesmerizing movements within you, his because of his face, his because you decided you were.

“I’m yours because I choose to be” you say aloud. “Because i choose to be”

“Is that what you need to tell yourself, beautiful? To fulfill your ego?” He taunted. “I’ll admit, you heartlessly killed a man, but that man truly was nothing. Not a real man. You have a real man, at the mercy of a real man” His fingers left you earning a dissatisfied cry. He pulled your dress over your head, revealing scars. His cockiness leaving him in an instant. “Who did this to you?” He whispered.

“A man.” You said quietly, the heat of the moment overriding any emotions you could feel from those horrible memories.

“I’m going to kill him” he growled, he undid his slacks, throwing them on the floor along with every article of clothing worn by both of you. He searched your face as his cock laid before your entrance, almost as if it was kneeling before you. Men seemed to be at your mercy, he was starting to realize, you were a bigger threat than he perceived you to be.

“I want to feel you” you say, barely audible over the heavy panting between the two of you. “I want it all” You wrapped your legs around him, pulling him into you. You hear him groan in pleasure as you gasped at the feeling.

“Fuck, for being so evil, you feel like heaven” he groaned into your ear as he began thrusting inside of you. Everything in him wanted to please you, he forgot his own needs, he only cared for yours. He kept a steady pace, keeping his orgasm at bay. Your pretty moans and cries a symphony to him ears.

“Faster” you gripped onto him. He fucked you, reaching to the depths of your cold and hardened heart, like he was trying to reach a real part of you. You retuned the favor by marking his back with scratches, surely blood would be trickling from them when he stood up later. He didn’t mind it, anything done to him from you is a mark of an angel. He needed it. Your sinful moans grew louder as you neared your peak. He willed himself not to cum, forcing his hips to stutter as he bore his cock inside of you over and over again.

“Oh my god” you whimpered, almost at the edge of your climax.

“Cum on my cock, please” he begged in a breathy voice. “I need it, please (y/n)” he felt your pussy tightening around him, the feeling almost unbearable for him. He could only hold himself for cumming for a little longer, not being able to promise himself he wouldn’t cum inside of you.

“In Ho” you breathed. “I’m going to cum” you cry loudly. Your body convulsed violently, your legs shaking around him as he slammed into you.

“Be a good girl and cum on my cock” he insisted.

“Fuck” you screamed as you came, dragging your nails down his back mercilessly. He rode your waves of pleasure as he felt his release breaking lose. “Cum in me, cum in me In Ho” you begged. Your begging sent him flying over the edge, he buried his face in the crook of your neck, biting down on your shoulder as he did so. Cumming deeply in your pussy, cursing your name as he did. He thrusted into you a few more times before pulling out and collapsing beside you.

“Now, answer me. Who did this to you?” He asked.

“It was a man named-“

Taglist

@christinamadsen @sebbymybaby21 @nakiio5775 @xcinnamonmalfoyx

[melissatalks]

Hold me tighter

A/n: For this one, I did two requests (both being about comfort). I know I've been very inactive but I felt like writing :) BYE I STARTED WRITING THIS LIKE A MONTH OR TWO AGO I FINISHED THIS AT 1 AM SO DONT MIND THE SPELLING AND WRITING. PLEASE.

You're burnt out and need comfort :))

Y/n pov:

It was a Thursday night, I was coming back from work with so many emails to read and answer as a former assistant and so many essays to write as a student. Thursday was always the busiest day. The teachers would give more work so that students work hard even on the weekends and for some reason, customers reach out way more at the end of the week. I just wanted one day where I could be free. One day where I could just lay in bed holding my girlfriend all day. I couldn't even remember the last time we shared a meal. We were both very busy but it shouldn't keep us away like this. But truly, I shouldn't complain because it's simply my job.

Unfortunately, this day is only possible once I get my degree and once I can take days off again. I've always had issues with my stomach. Sometimes it would randomly start hurting. I've always been told "It's just stress" but it's still a pain in the ass to feel like you're being stabbed with every move you do and because of that, it leads to me having no more days off. I dreamt of the day I'd finally have an answer to how I can stop these cramps but it never arrived. So I would just miss an average of one day every week because I had difficulties even getting up. After that, there were also my horrible migraines that happened every two days. It was a living hell.

When I finally arrived home, I broke. I didn't think it would happen but it did. I sat in the corner of the kitchen crying for an hour until Billie arrived. I could see the shock on her face when she opened the door that led towards the kitchen and saw me curled up in a corner. I had never broken down in front of her. My immediate reaction was to try to stop crying but I couldn't. My vision was only getting blurrier from the stress of being this vulnerable with someone I love. I tried to explain myself from fear but nothing other than broken sobs came out of my throat.

"No need to talk sweetheart. I know." She whispered as she was kneeling to be at my height.

3rd pov:

Growing up in a place where you would get screamed after if you cried as someone sensitive had negative consequences on how you act and your trust towards the people you loved the most. One of those consequences being to push away some of your loved ones when they are just trying to help. But Billie knew that. She slowly got closer, with no physical touch at all, waiting for a signal that could indicate that you were comfortable with her getting closer. As time went by, she inched closer and closer, taking your hand in hers at a certain point which helped you calm down until you were calm enough and comfortable enough for her to be holding you. You stayed sitting on the floor in each other's arms for a little while just enjoying the comfort.

"Y/n?" Billie said softly, breaking the silence.

You only nodded, not finding the strength to even talk.

"Let's get you in bed okay? You're overworked baby and it kills me that you don't realize it. Gosh, can't stand seeing you this tired..." She said, this time with a more concerned tone in her voice.

She helped you get up, pulling you towards the bed. Once you got in, she joined spooning you.

"Are you comfortable..?" She whispered making sure you felt as good as possible.

"I'm so fucking sorry." You let out. "I feel like a burden Billie! I'm always the one who's late, the one finishing essays at crazy hours, I'm never there!" You exclaim, tears pricking at your eyes again, threatening to fall down on your cheeks.

"I'm holding you back Billie." You said, quietly this time.

"You know that's not true..." She answered. Her arms wrapped around your waist, holding you closer and tighter. "I love you y/n. More than anything. And if staying with you means waiting for you to finish university and get your degree then I will because I truly do love you. How about we talk about this tomorrow? I know you're tired." All you could do was let out a soft hum before falling asleep in her arms. Your girlfriend's arms. Holding you tighter and tighter than she ever did every single time.

A/n that's fucking crazy it is 12:50 am and I am tired and this ending is probably fucked

[hmhas-00]

Ch. 2

Hit me Hard & Soft

word count - 1.6k

A/N - dont forget to like and rb ♡

Starting next week, my new posting schedule will be Tuesdays & Thursdays! Stay tuned!

Billie's POV

Sitting in my studio, I tweaked with the autotune feature to perfect the extended version of L’amour De Ma Vie. I didn’t realize it was already 5AM until my phone buzzed. I looked down at my lap as the screen lit up, showcasing a text from Remy.

Remy: Wish me luck! Fingers crossed I’m not fired after last week. 5:02am

Billie: 🤞🏻 5:02am

Billie: I’ll pick you up later and we’ll head to the Rolling Stone interview together? 5:03am

My eyes glossed over the screen waiting for her to reply, as I straightened my back on the chair. I locked it and put it on the table, returning my focus to my production set up. With the amount of bullshit she’s dealing with, I have a feeling Remy might bail today and I can’t blame her. In the back of my mind, I wished she wouldn’t. Finneas was so busy with his own album, so I told him to do his own thing tonight. Truth is, I didn’t want to show up to any of these things alone. Was that selfish? Lately, everything I feel is amplified, including that lonely, empty feeling I get around normal people bedtime. That’s when I did my best writing in the past year. It’s nerve-racking having all of my thoughts and emotions broadcasted to the world, and now that the tour is coming up, all I can think about is how I’ll do it alone.

The phone buzzed, bringing me out of my own mind. Upon opening, I sighed and replied while getting up to finally go to bed.

Remy: I’ll just meet you there. I have a lot of work to do today I don’t wanna make you late. 5:15am

Billie: Okay, see you there. 5:15am

𓇼𓇼𓇼𓇼𓇼𓇼

The alarm rattled my brain, startling me to death. I flopped down my arm, patting around next to me and managed to find the source. My phone had 2 missed calls and a text from Remy. She let me know she’d be a bit late but would make it no matter what. Pulling a hair tie out of my tangled mess, I dragged my tired body out of bed to get ready for the interview.

𓇼𓇼𓇼𓇼𓇼𓇼

“Billie, you’re going to be sitting over here, and Gabe is going to be interviewing you today, sitting over there.”

The coordinator waved me over in the right direction. I sat quietly and waited for the crew to finish up lighting and camera. Eventually, my interviewer walked over and made himself comfortable.

I laughed in disbelief and looked over at the coordinator, “Gabe?”

“Yup.” He leaned forward, holding his hand out to shake mine. He looked so pleased with himself. I ignored his reach, raising my brow. “Okay… nice to see you again, Billie.” He sat back and stifled a laugh.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, and glared at him. Thinking about having to act civil around this piece of garbage for the cameras is making me sick. God, I cannot stand him and his stupid face.

“Are we ready?” He cleared his throat.

I adjusted in my seat, looking around one more time past the studio lights and saw no Remy. “Yeah.” I could tell these bright lights would bring on a wave of tics, if not the unfortunate situation before me. Cameras closed in and the interview began.

I was basically on autopilot, trying not to destroy this man with my eyes. The last time I was face to face with Remy’s ex was 2 years ago. I was screaming at him to get the fuck out of her apartment. She made him pick up his things after he broke up with her for some other girl. Gabe swore he was just chasing a job offer in NYC, but Remy had seen messages between him and someone else planning to meet up. I stood at Remy’s side as he denied everything. He started a crazy argument and threw a glass across the room. I was on the other side of the room faster than he could react. Remy had never seen me that angry before.

“So! Your fans want to know. Who did you write Lunch about?” Gabe asked, knowing it would piss me off.

“That’s what you want to ask me? Of all things?” I laughed.

“Curious if I know her, is all.” He shifted in his seat and shrugged, nonchalantly. I wanna rip off his dumb smirk so bad.

I looked over at the cameras to have my very own The Office moment, but my eyes were drawn to none other than Remy. She awkwardly stood with her arms folded. I gave her a satisfied smile and when she waved at me, I quickly realized this is the last situation she probably wanted to walk into.

“No, It’s just a metaphor. I want people to think about who they want to eat for lunch. It’s just a fun song.” I crossed my legs and resumed eye contact with him, reminding myself to not look unfriendly for the cameras.

“You’re obviously very private about your love life.” He flipped through his notecards. I tilted my head, focusing on how stupid his stage voice sounds. “You came out last year-”

“This isn’t exactly news.” I squinted my eyes, smiling sarcastically. “Do you have any questions about my new album, Gabe?” I chuckled a bit.

He laughed, brushing me off. He asked a few questions about the album and I dragged out the answers as much as I could, so he wouldn’t have time to ask anymore stupid questions.

I managed to muscle through the rest of the interview and as soon as it was over I walked over to Remy, leaving him behind.

We walked into the room I left my phone in. “What the fuck.” Remy mouthed and pulled me into a hug.

“I know, let’s fucking go.” I grabbed her arm and started walking towards the exit.

“Remy! Hey!” Gabe shouted, making his way over to us. “How have you been?”

I could feel Remy mentally wilting away. “Good, good…Crazy seeing you here.” She spoke softly, smiling timidly.

“Well, I’ve been great!” He held his arms out, arrogant as can be, as if anyone asked.

“Did New York not work out?” I butted in.

“It did, but Los Angeles is home, you know?” He responded matter-of-factly, not even bothering to look at me. “You know I just chase better gigs. Better opportunities.”

“Yeah… Good for you, I’m happy for you, Gabe.” She smiled, keeping her voice sweet and mellow.

“You still working at uhh…” This idiot couldn’t even remember where she worked. I always hated him. He didn’t care enough about her. She deserved way better.

“Yeah, I’m-“ Remy was cut off.

“Maybe we should grab lunch one day. Catch up, you know?” He stepped closer to her.

I watched her face as she struggled to come up with an excuse. “Uh, I don’t know. Maybe-“

“She’s actually good, she just doesn’t want to hurt your little feelings.” I crinkled my nose as I forced a smile at him, turning us towards the door.

“Billie, it’s fine-“ Remy grabbed my arm with her free hand and held it there.

Gabe laughed, knowing how deep under my skin he could get. “You look good, Rem. We’ll talk later without distractions.” He looked her up and down, licking his bottom lip.

I glared at him, imagining me shoving him away from her just like I did a couple years ago.

He looked down at me and paused for a second, his lips forming an overly confident smirk. He stood close enough for me to smell that gross overpowering cologne. I could feel myself tensing up and clenching my jaw.

“What, you don’t get enough attention?” I lifted my chin, looking in his dark eyes.

He breathed out a laugh, poking his tongue into his cheek. “Why, you want to share some with me?”

I took a step forward, causing Remy to put her arm between us. “Come on, Billie.” She put some pressure on his chest, causing him to lean back a bit. “Let’s go.”

He looked down at Remy’s hand pressing on his chest, then back at me sneering.

“Billie, please.” I let Remy pull me away, knowing if I stayed any longer I’d break something on his face.

He laughed to himself. “It was nice seeing you both. Good to see nothing has changed.”

“Yeah, absolutely nothing.” Remy emphasized, pushing me in front of her so we’d walk away.

We walked out past the fans screaming and reaching their hands through the holes on the fence, and straight into her car. As much as it killed me not to say goodbye to them, I didn’t have it in me to fake it.

“I hated that.” Remy began, starting her car and letting out a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, Remy, I could not stand his stupid fucking face. He was doing that shit to be disrespectful and I’m not gonna let him-“

“You can’t do shit like that! What if someone saw and wrote or posted about it?”

I put my seatbelt on, knowing I could’ve taken the high road.

“Dude you’re not actually thinking about seeing him right?”

“What? No! Why would I?” She pulled out of the parking lot, careful not to hit any fans.

“You seemed happy to see him.” I looked out the window as the people waving blurred from the increase in speed.

“No. I wasn’t. I just wasn’t going to attack him in front of his coworkers, Billie.”

“His team wasn’t in the room.” I mumbled.

She didn’t respond.

“I’m sorry, I just fucking hate him. He’s such a piece of shit.”

“Shit, did you date him too?” She laughed under her breath, looking over at me momentarily.

I laughed, shaking my head and realizing how fast things escalated. My body finally relaxed, sinking into the seat and running my hands through my hair.

[kooksbunnnn]

Lost cause? 4.5: Would she hate me for this?

Previous chapter

Authors note: This scene is from Jungkook's pov from the last few paragraphs of chapter 4. I wanted to keep the thoughts he had while this scene happened in a separate chapter, so enjoy, ily🩷

Note: The part that's marked in blue is still in Y/N's pov and is also underlined in blue in chapter four if you wanna trace back the starting of this chapter in the previous one.

Words: 2.6k words approx

Any kind of warnings? Yes, maybe: a heartbreaking kiss and both of them being bad at communication. Jungkook's inner thoughts. Angst. Infidelity mentions. Therapy mentions psychological thoughts regarding guilt and love and hurt and comfort, and love.

___________________________________________

"How did I know? How about, why didn't I know?" You raise your voice slightly, and he shuts the door so that your parents don't get their sleep interrupted, tilting slightly towards the entrance, your bed not being that far from the door.

She asked me why I didn't tell her? What could I even tell her? That I didn't wanna make my already cheated-on wife who's carrying our baby with a broken heart that was caused by me. The wife who thinks too much for her own good. Tell her that I rejected my dream job - our dream job - because I found her and our baby to be more important at the moment? So that she could probably find herself the reason for it, fuck no.

"Y/N I am sorr-" she cuts me off as I apologize again.

"Sorry? How many things are gonna be okay just because you apologize, Jungkook?! It was your dream. You worked so hard for it.." she says as her tears fall and my heart rips apart at how her face reddens due to crying.

She was crying for me? Because of me, again?

How many times more do I have to be responsible for her tears? How much am I gonna hurt her? How much is she gonna cry because of her pathetic husband?

Seeing her cry so much and breathe heavily, I look down at her lap, trying to control my emotions until she yells at me. Her hand slipping up against my skin.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" She exclaims.

It seemed like she didn't realize when her hand shifted from my t-shirt's neckline to my neck. I feel relaxed and very selfishly happy when she doesn't remove her hand even after she sees me reacting to her touch.

Fuck. I wanna carve her touch in my mind, soul, and body. I shut my eyes, taking in the touch, feeling like there was a part of me missing from me, and I just found it.

It had been so long.

"Tell me, kook?" You whisper, so slowly bringing me back to my senses. Did she just rub her thumb against my skin? When I finally registered her voice calling me, I realized what she was asking me, and my heart skipped a beat.

In fear.

She looks at me wishing for an answer and I panic, what if she wanted me to take the job? Would she want me to go away? Would she think it's better if she stays away from me? If I stay away from her?

I answer in a very short statement with a sigh, trying to calm my breathing, "Baby, they wanted me to go away." I say, the petname falling out of my mouth so smoothly.

They wanted me to go away from her and our daughter. I would never do that. Nobody can make me.

"Dont lie to me, Jungkook, please. Yoongi told me they were ready to fix the schedule according to you -"

Damn it-

Yoongi hyung was definitely gonna hear an earful from me for this. Why did he have to tell her this? Couldn't he have waited until I gained some kind of courage to tell her myself? Couldn't he just wait for some time before telling her how I fucked things up for us in a new way? I was finally, finally getting somewhere.

Before she completes her sentence, I tell her the truth, although I feel bad for cutting her sentence midway.

"And you think they were gonna do that for me forever?"

The funniest part was when they offered me the job and then expected me to go away to tokyo for 8 months after my daughter was a newborn alongside my wife, who would be a newborn mother.

It was funny to me because it seemed like a joke to me. A bad one at that. Who the fuck were they to even think of seperating me from my family. Hadn't it been for Joon hyung, I would've resigned on the spot..

..But she doesn't need to know so many details. I just hope Yoongi hyung didn't tell her about the arguments I had with the president, some of them almost risking my career at his company.

"Why did you say that I agreed, why didnt you come talk to me? Do you think I wouldn't have understood or that you think it's not important for me to know?"

Her question brought me straight back to the room where I argued with the president, almost making me scoff at how ironic the whole situation is.

Ironic, since he asked me a similar question that day, "Is this company nothing to you? You wouldn't even try to work with this?" Namjoon and I sat across the president with the letter in front of me.

The moment I shook my head firmly in refusal and looked at the frustrated boss in front of me, all three of the men in the room knew it was gonna be a long evening. Making me slightly anxious about my wife waiting for me to eat dinner at home while some senior at work makes me feel bad for not accepting his offer.

He told me how I was the best fit and he was one of my well wishers for wanting this for me, I appreciated the opportunity, I really did, I still do but nothing could've made me go away from her. I couldn't have explained things to him in detail, so he obviously couldn't have understood anyhow about the reasons I was so stubbornly refusing because of,

So I didn't. I just refused. Again and again.

Now, coming back to her question.

"Would you have let me quit if I wanted to?" I asked instantly and see her expressions pause. Exactly. I can see the thoughts behind her eyes. She would've wanted me to get my dream job, and I would've wanted to be with our dream.

Us, our family. Happy. Together.

"You see, baby? That's why I didn't tell you. You're already handling so many responsibilities, I didn't wanna worry you more." I didn't wanna make her feel burdened with any more responsibilities or any kind of blame that I know for a fact she would've directed towards herself.

Knowing the kind of over thinker she is, I knew this would've been the better decision for us.

I could work harder in the future for this promotion, maybe get better roles than this one, but right now, I wanted to be a good father and a good husband.

She looks at me. Her eyes looked at me to try and find the truth behind my words, and I know she does. She can read me very well. One of the reasons I have always been honest with her. She has always been open to conversations and let me be open to her always.

It's something she deserves for being so perfect at everything, as minimal as her being a human. She was perfect at everything for me.

I continue, "They were willing to change my schedule for me only until she is born.." I look at her tummy and feel my heart swell with love for our daughter and then the beautiful woman carrying her.

"..I can't risk being away from you again. It might sound like I am lying, but Y/N, baby, I dont wanna be away from you for a single second. I wanna prove myself to be worthy of a second chance. I wanna be worthy of you and her. I can't imagine my life even for a second without you or her. You can push me all you want, you can yell at me all you want but dont tell me that I should've chosen a job and not my family time. I know I dont have an answer for why I did what.." I pause, feeling the knot in my throat.

The night, fresh in my memory.

The way she cried, screaming with so much pain in her heart, the balcony where she told me she was leaving me, the house, the kitchen where she blacked out after crying so much, everything was embedded in my memory like a nightmare I couldnt never forget.

"...I did, I myself don't know why I did it and trust me if I could turn back the time I would. But baby..." I really wish I could go back in time and stop myself from committing the sin that would hurt my wife in a way we never dreamed of. I could never have dreamed of.

I put my hand on hers that rested on my cheek, waiting to see her reaction to my touch. When she doesn't react negatively or in any way that should make me take my hand back, I continue,

"...I love you, and I will love you for my whole life, I will love you and my family until I breathe. I am so sorry for fucking things up but I want to fix them, I can fix them, we will fix it. Just dont please.." I say it, I say it again and I will repeat it as long as I can to make sure she knows I love her. Squeezing my eyes shut I gather the courage to make a request I shouldnt be making, I dont have the right to ask her this but I think I wont be able to breathe if I dont.

I need to know what she wants.

"...dont ask me to go away from you. I can't live away from you. I would quit my job if that's what it takes to be with my family, to take care of my family, to take care of you, and to take care of us. Please tell me I can be with you, can you please tell me you dont want me to go away? Pleas-"

But before I could finish my request and beg her not to go away from me, she pulled me towards her with her hands on my neck. I expected a hug when she pulled me, a hug that would comfort her stress and maybe help my heart get some comfort as well. But what happened made my knees buckle and heart pause.

She tells me her answer.

She does, but the way she expresses it makes my heart beat in reverse. I almost forgot how her lips felt like against me, the soft pillows against my slightly chapped ones. It was a feeling I was addicted to, and these months of staying away from her made me lose my sanity sometimes.

I think she would move back, maybe thinking of this as a mistake and also maybe a decision that was made impulsively or maybe out of muscle memory. But she doesn't, she doesn't move, in fact she moves her lips against me slightly tilting her head making my breath hitche.

I can't help but shut my eyes at the feeling of her lips moving against me. I feel myself giving into the kiss, but then it hits me. Hits me like someone poured water on my face.

This was wrong. I can't kiss her. What if she regrets this in the morning? What if she thinks I took advantage of her being stressed out. I can't kiss her without thinking this through or without talking to her about this. I lost the right to rightfully kiss her when..

Oh god.

I think of pulling back, but then she squeezes my t-shirt in such need that I almost whine in her mouth. This feels like torture. I want to move away from her, I don’t want to move away from her at the same time. Moving back from her arms is better, the right thing.

Oh, why does every right thing have to be so difficult to do?

I try making up my mind because one moment of me giving in might cause the downfall of the progress we built. We can talk about this to the therapist after I move back after I back off. But how do I do it? She needs me. Would moving back be okay? What if she loses hope in our relationship? But what if she tells me that she regrets this later? What if she hates me for this?

Fuck this. Two more seconds.

I kiss her back, shutting my eyes for two more seconds, and the thought of breaking the kiss makes me almost sob. I sniffle as my tears burn my eyes when I sense that you realize what I'm about to do.

Oh god, I don't want to do this. I am so sorry, Y/N. I love you but I have to do this for us. I can't do this, I can't kiss you. I can't touch you, not like this, not with a risk of losing you, I can't hurt you anymore. I can't do this. I need to move away. I need to pull myself back. Fuck.

I do it, and I hate myself for it.

I hate myself. I hate myself for the look she gives me after I move back. My eyes are burning wuth tears my cheeks feel wet from our mixed tears. Sniffling, I move back from our space, move back from the bed, move back from the kiss, move back from her, and maybe move back a space from our progress.

I dont know how this would affect us. I could kiss her better tomorrow if she feels like it, I could make it better, but I wouldn't be able to see hatred in her eyes for me. Not again.

Not after so many months of being away from her.

I get up and take a step back, shaking my head out of the dizzyness, eyes squeezed shut. Cursing myself under my breath, I do my best not to look at how frozen she looks.

Oh God, I must've made her feel so embarrassed. Should I sit back down and kiss her again, or should I tell her why I did this?

"I- I am sorry, Y/N. I shouldn't, I can't. I am really sorry, I shouldn't. I just shouldn't. I am sorry." As usual I chose the latter but probably fucking up the situation further more.

I need help.

In order to not make her feel more embarrassed, I leave the room, shutting the door, not completely but leaving it slightly ajar so that I could run to her if she needs me.

I try to busy myself in the kitchen cleaning things up, storing the leftovers in the fridge, cleaning the island and preparing things for the morning so that Y/N's mom could find it easy cooking breakfast in the morning.

I put a glass under the water purifier, filling it with water to keep on Y/Ns nighstand. I wish she is asleep before I go to her room to keep the water but since my luck wants to test me these days, I find her wide eyed along with a red nose looking at me with swollen eyes.

Shit.

"Good night," I whisper to her, trying not to look at her, but eventually, when I do, it feels like someone just punched me in the gut.

I feel so mad at myself, this was getting so complicated and somehow I have fucked everything more, every single time. I hope we can talk about this in the morning, I just hope I can talk about the kiss without making her cry again or making her feel embarrassed again. I hope we can move forward with therapy and make things better between us.

Moreover I just hope, pray and wish I dont fuck things up more for us.

________________________________________

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Taglist: @skzthinker @whoa-jo @aznstoner @aloverga @bids97 @slut4jeon @whipwhoops @bearr02 @gloriouscollectionpainter @jojowantstocry @jossabella88 @prajusstuff @chimchimmarie @gyukookswhore @kookiescutie @llallaaa @bbtsficrecs @farahmoonworld @cookysstuff @alessioayla @bamieeee03 @bonsaithings

I am sorry for not tagging some of the readers, I couldn't find their usernames while tagging, sorry :(

[justcallmesakira]

BESTIE IF U DONT DO THIS REQ N I WILL FACKING EAT UR MUTUALS

DAZAI WITH A SISTER DAZAI WITH A SISTER DAZAI WITH A SISTER!!

she has black cat energy and err makes suicidal jokes here and then but never does t and chuuyas always the one who pulls her away from dazais tendencies because he DOES NOT want reader to follow dazais steps and err dazai and reader have a 2 year gap and err basically dazai took her away with him when he left and thats were she sort of stopped talking BECAUSE BOOM CHIKA BOOM ODAS DEATH LEFT HER MORE TRAUAMATIZED THAN THE KIDS ASAGIRI BLEW UP!!! so errr crack and chuuya and reader is ummmm AHEM AHEM AHEM (cough coug)

AND BASICALLY MORI HAS THIS like obsession of bringing reader back to the mafia like he constantly says stuff like "Dazai, my offer still stands but please remember that i would really really love to see your dear sister back first" LIKE YKNOW WHAT I AM SAYING???????????

DAZAI AND HIS YOUNGER SISTER!

Sypnosis: you are the younger sister of Da-dazai! Is he a great brother or not? UPPP TO YOU! >< oh and maybe hide your secret vists with chuuya please!!

Genre: crack and heavy angst! (dont question it)

Warnings: suicidal themes! cans of gasoline, glitter bombs, reader is very quiet type, manipulation (for good use!)

A/N: yummy yummy

uh oh! this is gonna be so damn messy

so um first of all! i really think reader would be very intelligent like dazai like oh fuck! i just got under a whole rubble of rocks by some guy who btw is the enemy of my brother quick! think of something

and then theres this bsd aesthetic plan you make and just survive! to the shock of your horror... :D

okay but in all seriousness! he defiently jokingly gave you his suicide guide to if u ever felt inspired by him

VERY VERY NORMAL BROTHER ACTIVITY!!1

dazai stop influencing people around you to plug off them self challenge impossible: GO!!

if you do however join his meticulous activites kunikidas actually going to blow up

😇

but imagine how cute it would be a black cat energy young sis and a golden retriver brother like bish forget romantic relationships like dazai who sometimes forget he left his sister at work!

but ynkow mf dazai always wants to keep close to you because he was never really there (like my fake as friends🙄) back in the mafia! woohoo

so now you can asks him for whatever you want but now he actually feels guilty because you have now become the silent type and dont really talk that much

Great job dazai! best brother everr!❤️

Imagine running away from the mafia with ur lil sister then realising she doesnt even want to talk anymore and that you might actually failed as a big brother even after buying her a whole lotta stuff

COULDNT BE OSAMU DAZAI GUYS!!!

tell him to take you to an amusement park and he will! but dont be surprised if you see him trying to run to jump off a bridge because he does not have for the sake of god any money!

AYY dazai cosplaying toji to get milk? real or fake??? find out here!

dont click on the link :3

ANYWAYS he definetly tries his best to get you back to talking sure the only thing he could do is talk to himself with you beside him doodling some stuff but yknow...it genuinely makes him form a sad smile when he gets reminded that maybe if he were a better brother and actually comforted you it would have ended better

"I saw a cat today yknow! it had a black eye and orange patterns. Somehow it looked wise" dazai said relazing on the chair, his hands behind his head, the whole night of yokohama was quiet only the flicker of the dim light placed underneath the balcony ceiling could be heard.

The night was calm too, it had a soft storm-like feel to it. Dazai knew you were listening thats probably why he would talk to you all these months, no one else was there for him anyway. So its better than nothing.

All of a sudden amdist the silence several pokes tapped on his shoulder which made his eyes widen slightly. You held up your sktechbook infront of his face, a bunch of doodles of him and a full sketch of his side profile

"(Name)... This is amazing! Wow you could be a talented artist yknow!!" he said you didnt know whether he was just flattering you or not because of the emptiness in his eyes. Depression changes a person. But the slight flicker of light in his made it visible to your loud mind. Dazai was glad you made some progress.

Okay now hb your interactions with da agency??

I am pretty sure both you and him joined da agency together (gotta make sure his sister ACTUALLY doesn`t follow his steps!😋😋😋😋)

kunikida may act all cold around you and view u as some kid especially when you randomly make the most random ass suicidal jokes in the middle of a meeting but...

Lets say he sort of checks up on both of you every morning! cant let the dogs out now kunikida! you never know what they do....

iykwimyk

now yosano girlypop is the only person who shows genuine concern for you when you get hurt why? because she was bamboozled when she found out you are dazais sibling like

"huh- are you actually capable of being a brother? more so having family"

dazai be at the corner weeping because of the amount of slander

DESERVEDDDD😍😍😍

I can totally see fukuzawa patting both of you and dazais head after you two collaborated on a mission

IDWGDHYWDFYUDFILOVEFATHERRELATIONSHIPS

he prob randomly call you for tea i mean not too randomly but he likes your black cat energy

speaking of which ranpo and you bully da heck out of criminals before they ultimately mistake you for some god!! /nj

kenji and kyouka just chills around you and tries debating what you and dazai have in common.

belonging in the mental asylum. thats whats common between you two/nj again😁😁

With chuuya

NAWWWWH BRO NAWW☠️

Chuuyas gonna end upl like this emoji☠️☠️☠️

Okay maybe i am over exaggerating this but yknow dazai is like really smart

UNFORTUNATELY!!!

So he will definitely know when ever you two act a little🤭😝😘🤗😍🥰👍

Hes going to get tjat expression from chapter 114 and chew chuuyas expensive tuxedo!!

I bet after he finds out hes straight up going to give chuuya a flashback of stormbringer era!! 😍😁

#verynormalbrother

"W-w-w-what da SKIBIDI [name]??? YOU WILL NOT AND NEVER MEET CHUUYA AGAIN" "wow... and i thought you were trying to become a better brother :(" "YOUNG LA- i-" ":("

He was about to say lad

like manipulative ass brother like sister ig! :33333333

He prob had suspicions back in the mafia especially because of how you mostly stuck around chuuya when he wasnt there

YOUR FAULT BRO!!!

And then u rizzed chuuya up with double black eyes (get it?)

"You know [name] it still hurt me, though i promised i would never say it infront of your face but.." Chuuya said seriousness in his tone looking at you eyes "But please stop looking at me with those cat like eyes they deeply remind of someone and I DO NOT like it"

He ended this funny note with a genuine fear and irritation in his eyes. you only nodded and continued to stare at him, your eyes rivaling a black hole not that hole by the way.

A tingling feeling gathered in himself as chuuya looks at your blank stare "Dont look at me like that!" he raised his flustered voice, a small hue of pink appearing on his cheek which only grew as you held on to his sleeve, snuggling against it like a cat.

But before he could be more flushed a really dark aura crept up behind you and then, right then you knew you fucked up bad.

"i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-cant believe this!" your brothers voice perked up behind you genuine horror on his face as if he just saw his bestfriend die infront of him twice.

"Oh my fucki-" chuuya sighed, both of you are caught. "[name] ICANTBELIEVETHISOMGIAMGOINGTOENDMYSELFLIKEMYOTHERVERSIONFROMANOTHERUNIVERSEWHOLOWEREDYOURSTANDERDSICANTBELIEVETHISHIT" dazai rapped at super speed, an anger and shock unwordable enough for you to be confused at whatever hes yapping about. "DAZAI what the fuck??" now chuuya was confused too.

"ANDYOU, HERMANADAPUTA (sisterfucker in english) YOUUGLYSHORTMFWITHNOFLAGSNONOTHING,YOUTRUSTISSUED?IWILLGIVEYOUPRISONFORLIFEISSUES" "WHAT IS YOU BROTHER YAPPING ABOUT?"

And all you could do was watch in horror as the scene unfolds infront of you. But safe to say you got in big trouble when you went back home!

anyways dazais going to go full on 8 cans of gasoline on the portmafia if more is obsessed with you like him

and then you realised..

"fOr tHe fIrSt TiMe iN fOrEVer" he actually did/nj

Okay okay but in all seriousness (litearlly @justcallmesakira catchphrase guys!!) Dazai would genuinely become more protective of you if mori was targeting towards you.

i would run away to antarctica too if mori even tried interacting with me

SHES A RUNNER SHES A TRACKSTAR!!!!!🏃💨

But if you are intelligent then i guess you met fyodor too? And maybe some sort of rivalry goes on between you two like "oh its my brothers enemy, gotta help my bro blow him up!"

I have nothing much to say because dazai would make secret plans (which you alrdy know) to make sure mori doesnt get too close with you

Like oh he was planning to approach you that day? BOOM dazai is already there. Yeah like that

If mori says that however... Dazai will reply with a dark eyed gloom,tilting his head back creepily "You will have to need more then the whole of port mafia to interact with my sister"

Dazai hates mori alot and though he knows that you are old enough to handle situations that doesnt mean he wont care for his only sister. You are the only thing left that he can protect without feeling inhumanity or faraway.

A/N: HATE THISSSS NOOOUUU

Tags: @inojuuy @biscuits-spooky-corner @terururuko @little-miss-chaoss @saelique @silverbladexyz @typcallysid14 @nezuko-kamado-cute-demon

[babylacedream]

to get to know the boy you dont know anymore

i always find myself back to you જ part 8 of ?

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 part 8 part 9

pairing: yandere!bucky barnes x f! reincarnated autistic reader

warning: struggling with bucky's death, grief, yandere themes, anxiety, obsessed!bucky, violence, angsty, separation anxiety

summary: now, you know that bucky remembers you and knows youre her. he looks at you differently now that your aware. you wanted to take bucky out for lunch.

notes: inspired by pinkpantheress unreleased song called danger, I recommend listening.

please remember i am autistic, so i will be writing my personal experience with my autism. thanks!

creds to the lord of the rings for bucky's staring thingy<3

I know it's late But I was wondering if you'd try me on a date And I know that no one's talked to you this way And you're taking that everyday that it might come But if you had a choice to leave then— I know it's hard To allow someone's entry to your opened door To get to know the boy you don't know anymore But I know that you're tired so you don't say How you're feeling alright

You had work today, so as usual, Bucky followed you. It was a busy day for you; there were more customers, and it was mostly girls.

Someone called you over to assist them. You went out of the counter and went to see what they needed help with.

The customer cautiously looks behind you. "That fellow's done nothing but stare at you," they whispered. "Do you need help?" The customer's concern was not strange since you also felt that heavy gaze on your back.

You giggled, "I'm sorry, he's..." You looked over your shoulder and whispered into the customer's ear. "My boyfriend."

You lied. If your boss found out that the guy he gave an okay to hang out in the store while you worked was just stalkingly looking at you. You didn't want to imagine his expression. So, you told a teeny tiny lie to save yourself.

The customer instantly understood, "Youngsters these days."

You awkwardly laughed and went back to the counter. When the customer got what they needed and left. You went to Bucky; he was standing in one of the sections of the movie.

"That staring thingy you do. Are you okay?" You were concerned, so you had to ask. Bucky just loomed over you; most would be intimidated, but not you. You tilted your head, staring back at him, clearly affected by his silence.

Bucky didn't say anything, so you hesitantly gave him stroking rubs on his hands. "If you need to talk, I'll be here." You left him for his eyes to follow you as you went to the back room for a phone call.

Bucky would never want to concern you with his demons, especially since you've suffered enough.

You were in the tiny office, on the phone with your boss.

"It seems your friend you've been bringing has been attracting a lot of sales."

"Oh, that's why there are so many female customers." You irritably laughed.

"Hey, let me know if he wants a job here."

"I will. Bye, thanks."

You turned around to see Bucky behind you, making you jump. "Bucky...! At least make a sound if you're behind me."

"Who were you talking to?" For others, it may have sounded like he was asking, but really, he was demanding who you were talking to.

Bucky was completely trapping your exit. You chuckled, "My boss." You brushed past him, making him follow right behind you.

"Bucky, I told you before, you shouldn't try to scare me. You'll just chase me away."

Before you could even go out back to the counter, he pulled you back in, plastering your back against his chest once again. You giggled, feeling his hands on your stomach, his jaw resting softly on your shoulder.

"You called me your boyfriend earlier." He nuzzled himself into your neck. "Is this true?"

You scoff as you feel his breath against your neck. "It was a half-truth. I was trying to get out of an awkward situation with a certain man peeking and staring at me like a stalker would."

Bucky chuckled before letting go of you. You turned around to look at him. "I'm starting to think you like this position too much, Bucky." You playfully expressed.

"Perhaps I do."

You got to leave work at eight at night, so you invited Bucky to dinner at your favorite diner. It looked almost like the diner you and Bucky went to; the only difference was the neon and retro. Pretty famous in the 90s.

"Thank you." The waitress took your order, leaving you alone with Bucky. You were expecting a delicious, delightful milkshake that you always enjoyed.

"I never got to ask you this, but how have you been these years?"

Another odd question, not really; you were just awkward. You shifted in your chair. "How I've been?" You pondered, "Well, other than me being separated from you. I think I've been fine."

"I have a stable job, a nice apartment, food, health... actually, scratch that." You let out a snort, "I'm working on my mental health. It's in the works."

Bucky laughed. You were the same silly girl he knew all those years ago.

You laughed with him. When the moment felt too soon to ask, you cowardly avoided your gaze. You weren't sure if you should ask him too, but you wanted to. "H-how are you feeling?" You timidly asked.

He could see the way your body moved, shifting in your chair, avoiding his eyes, and fidgeting with your fingers.

"I'm fine because I know you're fine."

That's not what you asked for, but you knew better not to push him about it.

The waitress brought your order, but your milkshake was strawberry-flavored. You were about to speak, but Bucky spoke first.

"She asked for a vanilla milkshake with extra whipped cream, rainbow sprinkles, and one cherry on top."

The waitress apologized; you guessed the waitress was too busy looking at Bucky when she was taking your order.

But enough of that, you were astonished that he yet again remembered such details of you. "You remember how I like my milkshakes..."

"How could I forget, dollface? I always got it for you."

Dollface. You almost forgot he always called you that. It made you feel sort of nostalgic.

After eating and making it home with Bucky. You were so out of it of how many girls were in the store staring at Bucky. You weren't even sure Bucky even noticed. Or he didn't care to notice.

It reminds you of the time when you went to school with Bucky; you made sure to tell every female and male student that you were his girlfriend.

"Girlfriend?"

"Yes, have a problem with that?" You smiled fakely.

It's even funnier that Bucky knew you did that. But what's funnier is that he made sure to tell every male and female student in college that you were taken.

"By who?"

"By me." Bucky leaned in on the college student's ear and whispered threateningly, "I suggest not getting close to her."

You were fresh out of the shower with your pink nightgown and climbed over Bucky to get in your side of the bed.

"Goodnight."

"Night."

[transmutationisms]

serious question but do you personally believe there is a way to approach psychiatry in a way that uplifts and upholds patient autonomy and wellness or is the entire trade essentially fucked haha. Btw this is an ask coming from a 3rd year med student—with a background of severe mental illness—who is considering a residency in psychiatry after receiving life-saving care in high school pertaining to said conditions. (I have peers who have been involuntarily hospitalized and treated horribly in psych wards, with approaches i patently disagree with, but was lucky not to experience. I don’t like modern american medicine’s approach to mental illness; “throw pills” at it to “make it go away” ie. a problem of overprescribing, inadequate and non-holistic approach to mental health, and i feel a lot of that can be attributed to the capitalistic framework. I also def agree with you that so much of what can be considered normal human responses to traumatic events/normal human suffering can be unnecessarily pathologized—a great example being the whole “chemical imbalances in the brain is the ONLY reason why im like this” argument that ive unfortunately fallen hard for when i was younger and am still currently dismantling within myself…and like dont even get me started on this field’s history of demonizing POC, women, LGBT, etc). Like i deeply love my psych rotations so far, and i utterly feel in my gut that this is the manner in which i would like to help people—a lot of whom are just like me—but im wondering if there is a way to reconcile these aspects in a way that one can feel morally okay participating within such an imperfect system, in ur opinion… ngghhhhhh i just want to be a good doctor to my patients…

(ps i love all ur writing and analysis on succession!! big fan mwah <333)

i don't mean to sound unduly pissy at you, specifically, but i do have to say: every single time i've talked about antipsych or broader criticism of medicine on this website, i immediately get a wave of responses like this, from doctors/nurses/psychs/students of the above, asking me to, like, reassure them that they're not doing something immoral or un-communist or whatever by having or pursuing these jobs. and it's honestly frustrating. why is it that these conversations get re-framed around this particular line of inquiry and medical ego-soothing? why is it that when i say "the medical encounter is not structured to protect patient autonomy or well-being," so many people hear something more along the lines of "doctors are mean and i wish they were nicer"? why is it that it's impossible to discuss the philosophical and structural violence of academic and clinical medicine without it becoming a referendum on the individual morality of doctors?

i'm choosing to read you in good faith because i think it's possible to re-re-frame this line of questioning to demonstrate to you the sorts of critiques and inquiries i find more interesting and more conducive to patient autonomy and liberation. so, let me pick apart a few lines of this ask.

"is the entire trade essentially fucked?"

if you're thinking of trying to 'reform' the project of medical psychology within existing infrastructures and institutions, then yeah, it's fucked. if you're still assuming that affective distress can only be 'treated' within this medical apparatus (despite, again, no psychiatric dx satisfying any pathologist's understanding of a 'disease' ie an aberration from 'normal' physiological functioning) then you're not challenging the things that actually make psychiatry violent. you're simply fantasising about making the violence nicer.

"I don’t like modern american medicine’s approach to mental illness; “throw pills” at it to “make it go away” ie. a problem of overprescribing, inadequate and non-holistic approach to mental health, and i feel a lot of that can be attributed to the capitalistic framework."

i hate when i talk about psychotropic drugs being marketed to patients using lies like the chemical imbalance myth, and then pushed on patients—including through outright force—by psychiatrists, and the discussion gets re-framed as one about 'overprescribing'. my problem is not with people taking drugs. i am, in fact, so pro-drugs that i think even the ones administered in a clinical setting sometimes have value. my issue is with, again, the provision of misleading or outright false information, the use of force and coercion to put patients on such drugs in order to force social conformity and employability, and the general model of medicine and medical psychology that assumes patients ought to be passive recipients of medical enlightenment rather than active participants in their own treatment who are given the agency to decide when and how to engage with any form of curative or meliorative intervention.

'holistic' medicine and psychiatry do not solve this problem! they are not a paradigm shift because they continue to locate expertise and epistemological authority with the credentialed physician, and to position patients as too sick, stupid, or helpless to do anything but receive and comply with the medical interventions. there are certainly psychotropic drugs that are demonstrably more harmful than others (antipsychotics, for example), and some that are demonstrably prescribed to patients who do not benefit from them and are even harmed by them. conversely, there are certainly forms of intervention besides pharmaceuticals that people may find helpful. but my general critique here is aimed less at haggling over specific methods of intervention, and more at the ideological and philosophical tenets of medicine that cause any interventions to be imposed by force or coercion on patients, then framed as being 'for their own good'. were suffering people given the information and autonomy to actually choose whether and how to engage in any kind of intervention, some might still choose drugs! my position here is not one of moralising drugs, but making the act of taking them one that is freely chosen and available as an option without relying on physician determination of a patient's interests over their own assessment of their needs and wants.

"so much of what can be considered normal human responses to traumatic events/normal human suffering can be unnecessarily pathologized"

true, but don't misunderstand me as saying that drugs or any other form of intervention should be forcibly withheld from those who do want them and are made fully aware of what risks and harms seeking them could entail. again, this would still be an authoritarian model; my critique is aimed at increasing patient autonomy, not at creating equally authoritarian and empowered doctors who just have slightly different treatment philosophies.

"dont even get me started on this field’s history of demonizing POC, women, LGBT, etc"

ok, framing this as "demonisation" tells me that you're not understanding that, again, this is a systemic and structural critique. it is certainly true that a great many doctors currently are, and have historically have been, outright racist, trans/misogynist, ableist, and so on. framing this as a problem of a well-intentioned discipline being corrupted by some assholes is getting it backwards. medicine attracts prejudiced people, not to mention strengthens and promotes these prejudices in its entire training and practice infrastructures, because of its underlying philosophical orientation toward enforcing 'normality' as defined by 18th-century statistics and 19th-century human sciences that explicitly place white, cis, able-bodied european men as the normal ideal that everyone else is inferior to or failing to live up to. doctors who really nicely tell you that you're too fat are still using bmi charts that come from the statistical anthropometry of adolphe quételet and the flawed actuarial calculations of metlife insurance. doctors who really nicely deny you access to transition surgery are still operating under a paradigm that gives the practitioner authority over expressions and embodiments of gender. the issue isn't 'demonisation', it's that medicine and psychiatry explicitly attempt to render judgments about who and what is 'normal' and therefore socially 'healthy', and enforce those standards on patients. this is not a promotion of patient well-being, but of social conformity.

"i deeply love my psych rotations so far, and i utterly feel in my gut that this is the manner in which i would like to help people"

let me ask you a few questions. you say that you like your psych rotations... but how do your patients feel about them? is their autonomy protected? are they in treatment by free choice, and free to leave any time they wish? are they treated as human beings with full self-determination? if you witnessed a situation in which a patient was coerced or forced into a certain treatment, or in which you were not sure whether they were consenting with full knowledge or freedom, would you feel empowered to intervene? or would doing so threaten your career by exposing you to anger and retaliation from your higher-ups? what higher-ups will you be exposed to as a resident, and then as a practicing physician? could you practice in a way that committed fully, 100%, to patient autonomy if you were working at someone else's practice, or in a hospital or clinic? could you, according to current medical guidelines, even if you had your own practice?

when you say "this is the manner in which i would like to help people", what do you mean by "this"? can you define your philosophy of treatment, and the relationship and power dynamic you want to have with any future patients? is it one in which you hold authority over them and see yourself as determining what's in their 'best interests', even over their own expressed wishes? have you connected with patient advocates, psych survivors (other than your friends), and radical psychiatrists and anti-psychiatrists who may espouse heterodox treatment philosophies that you could consider? do you think such philosophies are sufficient for protecting patient autonomy and well-being, or are they still models that position the physician's judgment and authority over that of the patient?

"im wondering if there is a way to reconcile these aspects in a way that one can feel morally okay participating within such an imperfect system"

and here is the crux of the problem with this entire ask. you are wondering how to sleep at night, if you are participating in a career you find morally distasteful. where, though, do your patients enter into that equation? do you worry about how they sleep at night, after having interacted with a system of social violence that may very well have traumatised them under the guise of providing help? why does your own guilty conscience worry you more than violations of your patients' bodies, minds, and basic self-determination?

i can't tell you whether your career path is morally acceptable to you. i don't think this type of guilt or self-flagellation is fruitful and i don't think it helps protect patients. i don't, frankly, have a handy roadmap sitting around for creating a new system of medicine and health care that rests on patient autonomy. affective distress is real, and is not something we should have to bear alone or with the risk of having violence inflicted upon us. what you need to ask yourself is: how does the medical model and establishment serve people experiencing such distress? how does it perpetuate violence against them? and how do you see yourself countering, or perpetuating, such violence as someone operating within this discipline? what would it mean to be a 'good' actor within a violent system, if you do indeed believe that such a thing is ontologically possible?