#okay so the background on this is my old church right

[pansysworks]

Little thing I finally finished!

Warnings for vague homophobia, tranphobia, and religious trauma.

Do you remember the double doors leading into your paradise? Paradise, where you were liked and loved. Valued, even.

Do you remember the double doors, where the smiling faces met you? With a computer in hand and a name badge to match. Welcoming you to the music with the worship and the snacks

Do you remember the double doors, and the auditorium inside? With gaming systems and food, a bribery was made. Your time for their beliefs.

Do you remember the double doors? Do you remember what lied before them?Remember being shunned and being told love is a sin?

Do you remember those double doors once they no longer hid paradise? The daunting feeling of those doors could suffocate the strongest of men.

Do you remember the double doors that hid the cruelty of children? Ignorance for others that could only be taught by their elders.

Do you remember the day the double doors shut for you, when the house no longer felt like a home? When the cross no longer felt familiar?

Do you remember sinking, falling, dying, when the double doors came into view?

Do you remember the double doors, and how they had sealed shut for you?

[ja3hwa]

♡ 𝐒𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐁𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝 | 𝐂.𝐒 ♡

Day Twenty - Priest/Demon Au

【Synopsis】 : There was a demon on the loose. Wreaking havoc in the small village that San was a priest in. And little did Father San know is that the creature was a lot closer than he would think.

『Word count』 :  4.03k

-> Genre: 18+ Supernatural. Angst. Gore. Suggestive.

Pairing: Priest!San x Female!Reader

[Warnings] : Swearing. Blood. Gore. Mentions of assult. Weapons. Demons and angels. Religion. Death. Making out. Sinning. Dirty thoughts. Thick flirtatious tension. Listen, I was deep in my feelings when i wrote this argh.

Note: Thank you to my dearest @skteezcursed for the help in this fic. Our late night brainstorms are always my favourite thing to do, hehe. ♡♡♡

Networks: @wonderlandnet @illusionnet @cromernet @k-vanity

Masterlist | Navigation | Kinktober list | Tip Jar ♡

San paced around his office, feeling himself grow more and more frustrated as the minutes progressed. He had been in this tiny, god-forsaken town for the past three months, searching far and wide, under every rock and pebble, and still, he was not any closer to finding this wandering demon. His agency had put him undercover as the new priest in the local church since sadly the old one had passed away from sudden circumstances, which San later found to be the said demon’s doing. He had hopes to find the creature and kill it before it hurt anyone else, but sadly, the challenge seemed bigger than he anticipated.

Placing his hands on the large spruce table, he takes in all his notes for the millionth time. The demon had a distinctive pattern, killing only men, twenty-five and over, locally born, ranging from all classes and backgrounds. But what did they all have in common? Why did the creature choose these men in particular? What was the trigger? San felt like he was about to rip his hair out if he couldn’t figure it out by the end of the fourth month. He slammed his hand down onto the table in a fit of rage. Feeling the heat shift into his spine at the thought, the demon could be anyone. That he had passed by it without knowing. It could stand right in front of him, and he had already probably missed it.

“Father…” Your sweet velvet tone snapped him from his thoughts. You were tightly holding onto your bible with one hand against your chest, prayer beads lacing through your fingers while your other hand held the large door open. Your expression was filled with innocence and worry. “I heard noises. I… Are you okay?” 

His heart skips at you, the sweet church girl, his face tainting a dusty pink ever so slightly. “Uh.. Yes. I'm just…working.” He rubbed the back of his neck, avoiding eye contact. He wouldn't admit it, but through these past months, he had fallen quite infatuated with you. Your smile began an addiction he sought out every day. 

Every early morning, you came into the church alone to pray before skipping to his office to ask if he needed any help. You were so kind and caring in welcoming him into the community. Making sure he had everything he could ever need shortly after he arrived. You were the only good thing to seemingly come out of this dull, mopey town. 

Looking at you cautiously step into the room, your eyes wandering to the decoration on the shelf that you had no doubt memorised already, an idea came flooding into his head. You were locally born, as far as he was aware. And you know of everyone, so maybe he needed to gather some intel from an inside source and who then, you, the sweet sunshine that cascaded over the grey hills of this village. “Actually… I would like to ask you a question.”

You stopped in your tracks to glance over at the man, showing no sign of any emotion. You were still, pondering even. Your eyes wide and curious but your lips held in a thin firm line. “Ask away, father.”

He almost lost the question from his shuttered tongue as he watched your mouth creep up into a loving smile. But alas, he cleared his throat, quickly looking down to graze over his notes. “I must confess something…”

Your body tingled in inquisitiveness, taking a step closer. “Yes…” you bit your lip slightly, fiddling with the beads in your tight grasp.

“I am not just a priest. I am a hunter of sorts.” He lifted up a piece of paper for you to take in your free hand, letting you look it over. The paper was old, aged marking the edges and face. It was information about demonology. Words that seemed to pop out the most on the page were ‘dangerous’, ‘demon’, ‘sinful’. This thing... This demonic creature was in your home, killing the men of your village. One by one.

“...So it’s true. There is devil work lurking in the town.” You gulped your hands, shaking slightly, handing the piece of parchment back to San. “Is anyone else aware of this?”

“No. You are the first and only person I’ll tell. This town doesn’t need to start going on witch hunts to try and find the creatures themselves.” San pinched his nose, just imagining it gave him a headache. He let out a sigh, picking up a few more sheets to place in front of you, "This is all I know. I was sent here to capture and eradicate the beast that has been luring men into the outwest woods. But for the life of me, I can't find the connection to all of the victims other than them being male."

You looked over all the names, reading each autopsy report carefully. Your mind to a thought, no, it couldn't be.. could it? Looking up at San, you gulped. "Umm, F-father."

"Please just call me San." He grunted, tugging on his white band around his neck, feeling himself grow hot being frustrated and also being near you.

"I think I know the connection..." You picked up another piece of paper scanning while San stared at you intensely, waiting for you to proceed. "The first five victims. They had been accused of misconduct prior to their deaths."

You pointed to one of the names showing San, "For example, John Hart, he was reported for beating his wife." You pointed to another name further down the list, "Edward Smith's wife called assault on his husband, saying he raped his daughter, but there wasn't any evidence."

You turned the paper back to yourself, raking your hand through your hair, "All of these men have either beaten, assaulted, and raped women or have been accused of it."

San slumped down on his seat in defeat. A conflict shadowing in his view. All these men were pigs. That was the connection. "Great, so I have a demon playing god and smiting men for misdeeds...perfect." he placed his palm on his face, groaning in annoyance.

"What are you going to do now, fath—I mean San?" You took a seat on one of the chairs opposite the deck, resting your bible down on your lap as you sat up straight.

San clicked his tongue, glancing at you for a moment. He wasn't going to lie to himself. The way you said his name was music to his ears. A tone he would never get tired of. But he shook his thoughts to look at the papers littering his desk. "We're gonna catch a demon.”

Following the next few days, every evening you and San would meet up to discuss the case while also slowly gathering materials for the trap. You had told San any more information you’ve heard or if you heard of any more allegations about any of the town's men. Luckily no one had spread any new rumours about anyone which was good, leaving you both to focus on the task at hand. Capturing and then eradicating the demon. One particularly cold evening, you and San had spent a little bit too long searching through town books, not taking any notice of the sun lying to rest. It was only when you started to feel the chill on your exposed arms that you gazed out the window, seeing nothing but pitch night.

“When did it become so late?” Your voice barely above a whisper. San, who was only a few feet beside you, looked up from the book in his lap, suddenly feeling the coldness creep down his spine. 

"We should call it a night." San slammed the book a little too harshly, making you jump. He caught your reaction but decided it was best to bite his tongue. Instead, he stood up, holding his hand out for you to take, "I'll walk you out."

You took his hand gently, your soft skin making him gulp. The touch of you was electrifying, like a thousand little fireworks going off at once in his chest. His fingers wrapped tightly around yours, tugging you up off the library floor, but his tug was a little bit forceful, causing you to be pulled flushed against his chest. Your free hand coming up to brace yourself on his chest. "F-father."

"I told you to call me San. Please. I'm just San." He whispered his breath, pooling against your cheek. He watched the blush taint your cute features, your eyes widening as he inched closer. You smelt firewood, vanilla, and a beautiful mixture of floral scents. You were intoxicating.

"San...We are still in the church." You murmured, eyes slowly fluttering as you let him creep closer until his lips were a brush away. Your hand that landed on his chest lowered, feeling his strong muscles underneath his robes.

"I know..." He grunted through his nose. He snaked his hand from your wrist to your upper arm before taking place on the back of your neck while his other found place on your hip. "We aren't doing anything sinful."

"Hmm, but your thoughts would say otherwise." You smiled.

"You have no idea what I'm thinking about." He chuckled, his lips brushing against yours.

"I could take a guess.” You closed your eyes, sealing your lips on his, feeling an overwhelment of sparks crackling down your spine. San grunted through his nose as the kiss became rougher. His fingers tangled into strands of hair on the nape of our neck, while he swallowed every whimper and moan from you. It was like you were a deliciously wicked sweet treat. 

Forbidden fruit he was not allowed to taste.

He couldn’t explain it but it was like you were the only thing that mattered the minute he met you. Like you were the puzzle piece he had been missing “S-san” You tried to pull away from him but his grip was firm on you, “We are going to…” You felt his tongue against your mouth, “Get..c-caught.” You couldn’t help but smile beneath the desperate kiss.

He finally pulled away, groaning in disappointment. “I know…” He sighed letting his grip loosen. Your hands snaked up his body gently before you pulled away entirely.

“Walk me out?” You suggested what he had asked moments prior. San couldn’t help but feel himself grow in his slacks as he gazed upon your swollen lips and dishevelled hair. You were stunning in every possible way. He walked with you to the front of the church, his hand grazing your own every time your arms swung a little too close to one another. San felt like a schoolboy all over again, walking next to the girl he had a crush on.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” San smiled bittersweetly, turning to face you completely. You faced him also, shyly looking up at him with your cheeks tainted red.

"Tomorrow, San." You gave him a soft smile. Your fingers tangle with themselves as you patiently wait for him to say goodbye first. 

"Well, sleep well. I'll see you tomorrow..." The way your name fell from his lips made your heart thump as you nodded, leaning up to kiss his cheek gently. He swore he felt a tingle dance from where you place your lips on his cheek. Walking off into the village towards your home, san never took his eyes off you until you were out of sight. 

"Lord..." He sighed, feeling himself breathing properly for the first time all day. He felt a twinge in his body at the loss of your scent, but alas, he had work to do if he wanted to catch this creature. But a part of him began to second guess himself. Yes, demons are bad, killing anything they want. But this demon. It had a reason. And a stupidly good one for that matter.

It annoyed him at the confliction. All demons are bad. Right? They lust for blood and chaos. Nothing more, nothing less. As he stepped back into the large church entrance, his mind spun from all the thoughts. Something was wrong with this whole thing. Something he had missed, maybe? Pinching his nose, he felt lightheaded. His fingers danced around his nostrils, suddenly gasping. "Blood?"

Looking up to the aisle in the middle of the church, he saw the moon start to pool into the room through the round window by the altar. And then, as he took another step, his mind snapped. His eyes clouded over with black, and he fell towards the floor.

He was out like a light.

When San awoke, he could feel the stiffness in his neck. He must have been out a while. Groaning, he held his head as he slowly sat up. But what caught him off guard was he wasn't sitting where he fell. He had moved? Looking around his fuzzy eyes, he noticed he was right on the altar, leaning against the lectern.

Looking around, he tries to get his bearings. Noticing the moon has reached its peak, shining through the top window, indicating it was almost midnight. He had been passed out for almost two or three hours give or take. But what caught his attention was the overwhelming smell of iron. He touched the top of his lip, feeling the blood from his nose had dried. But this blood smelt fresh like it was right behind him...

In horror, he turned his head to see the gruesome sight that anchored his mind in dread—a lifeless man strung up on the cross behind him, the body pallid and still. A choked gasp escaped him, slamming his hand over his mouth as the image in front of him flooded his conscience. He went to move, but that was when he noticed his legs were bound. He struggled against him, confusion spiralling into terror. What was going on?

Just then, the church doors creaked open, and a familiar figure stepped inside. It was you, but the tender girl he had come to love now had an aura that chilled him to the bone. Her once bright eyes were shadowed, and your skin was tainted in a light shade of pink. "San!!"

You ran over to him. This is when he could finally see you properly in the moonlight. Little horns poked from the top of your head. "San. I thought... You're okay." You sighed, your voice sounding different. It was smoother, seductive almost, lacing with an otherworldly quality.

"What is this? What’s happened?” he stammered, heart pounding painfully in his chest. You were a demon. A lust demon to be exact. He'd never met a succubus in real life before, but he knew what they looked like through details in his demonology. 

"I don't know. I got a letter saying you were hurt and needed my help." Your voice cracked as you reached for his bonds, but when your skin touched them, it stung, burning your skin. They were cursed? "W-who did this?"

"I could ask you that." San's bitterness caught you off guard. 

"W-what do..." You looked down and saw your hands were shaded in pink, and in a flash, you ran for the silverware on the table seeing your distorted reflection. "Y-you can see me..."

"Yes.." San replied coldly and conflicted. How could you, of all people be a creature of the damned. 

"San, listen, please. I'm not the demon you've been trying to catch, I swear." You kneeled back down to him, but he shuffled away, making your heart flinch. "I've watched you since the moment you came into this town. Your love, your promises, and your weakness. You want to save things. Not kill them. You are caring. That is how I fell in love with you.”

"Love? Demons can not do such things." San's voice felt like venom on your skin, making tears pool in your eyes.

"They...I can. I did. You changed that for me." 

“No, I—I thought you were human,” he gasped, memories of laughter and warmth filling his mind, only to be replaced by dread. He missed so many signs. From the smell of you to the way you had with words. You were using him.

"San, I wasn't, I swear to you. I might be a monster, but I've never hurt anyone." You interrupted his thoughts, shuffling closer, your presence both magnetic and terrifying to San. "Please, San, you have to believe me."

San wrestled with his emotions as the reality of your true nature engulfed him. Were the demon he had been searching for, cleverly disguised and lurking in the heart of the town, feeding on the very compassion and affection he thought in no way could lead to sin? Or were you telling the truth? Were you just an innocent creature caught in the crossfire?

Looking at you, he can see the swirls of pink and crimson mixing with your human eye colour. The sweetness he fell for was still there. "I believe you."

You jumped into his arms, tears spilling down your hit cheeks as you nuzzled into the crook of his neck.

As the church pulsed with an otherworldly energy, San realised he had known he made a daring choice—not to fight or falter but to embrace the truth of who he was, who you were. Life wasn't all black and white. There were beautiful shades of grey that he never took the moment to gaze at before. He took a deep breath, taking in your sweet familiar scent before pulling you up by your chin to stare into the eyes of the creature he thought he had fallen in love with.

"I was wrong about you. I'm sorry." He declared, a newfound resolve gripping his heart as he smiled at you. But before you could say anything, a new voice. A deeper one echoed in the cold eerie church.

“No, Father. You are wrong. But not for what you think.” The man's voice was a cruel tone, dark and chilling. Both of you snapped your gaze to him, seeing he was not alone. Two other men were trailing close behind him. "And here I thought you wouldn't succumb to her charms..." His face was finally revealed in the light. "My best hunter."

"Winlock?" San's voice was laced with confusion. His mentor? "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, San. For an expert hunter, you never really got the wit down, did you?" The man chuckled, making the other two follow suit like some perfect chimed robots. Winlocks gaze glances at the hanging corpse, still hammered into the cross. He couldn't help but click his tongue.

"You know it almost pained me to kill these men. But desperate times called for desperate measures." The older man cracked his knuckles as he paced slightly. You shuffled closer to San, cuddling desperately next to him. For the first time in all your life, you felt fear.

With all San's strength, he pushed against the ropes, his spirit igniting in defiance. In this moment of battle between light and dark, he defied the very nature of the demon that he loves and found the depths of the confrontation. He felt a flicker of the love he had for you, now intertwined with anger and betrayal from his mentor, another he had loved in a way. Whatever you were, he no longer cared. No, all he wanted was you safe. Little did you know, you could hear San's thoughts loud and clear, pooling into your brain like a tidal.

"We've been looking for her for years. Laying traps, but no matter what we did, she wouldn't take the bait. That was until we found out she wasn't like other demons..." 

Without dropping your eyes from the man, you placed your hand just over the bounds on San. You began to focus on the ropes, whispering an incantation in your head over and over. 

"She's also a witch." Winlock snarked, snapping his fingers. One of the men quickly made his way over to you while the other seemingly grabbed out a book from the satchel that hung over his shoulder.

"S-san. SAN!!" The man grabbed you by the horns, yanking you backwards before dragging you towards Winlock. You cried out, trashing against his hold. San went to stand, but the bounds were still tight, and no matter how many times he tried to grab the rope, it burnt him.

"Don't you fucking touch her!" San barked.

"Awe, San. You really are a stupid little boy." Winlock grabbed the book from his henchman, flicking through the pages with a cynical smile. "Out of everything you could have done. Falling for a beast was not what I thought you'd do."

"She's not a beast!!" San could feel a tear break in his eyes as he watched you weep in pain as the grip on your sensitive horns tightened. Your claws scratch at the man's hands, but he doesn't move as if he wasn't affected by his flesh being ripped by your sharp nails.

"Well, this was all fun and all. But I think we should call it a night. I gotta thank you, though, San. Without you, we would have never caught her." Winlock began reading a page from the book aloud, the enchantment caught your attention, making you do as much as you possibly could to look over at San.

Covered in blood, tears staining his sharp features. Your heart broke as you hiccuped, "I'm sorry, San. I...I love you." It might have been too early to say it, but you didn't know when you'd ever be able to say it again.

"No no no no. Please. I love you." He grabbed his bounds, his hand sizzling against the cursed rope, "Winlock, don't do this. She's not a monster... you can't."

Winlock did stop his incantation as the floor began to shake, and the night started to stir. That's when the man behind Winlock stepped forward with a thick leather band in his hand. The man that held you tilted your head to the side, giving access for the man to click the collar in place. That was when San knew what Winlock was doing to you. He was bounding you.

"I'll find you..." Your name rang in the air as San cried, "I'll find you and break you free."

It was your turn to cry, hearing his thoughts. There was no doubt in his mind, nothing but determination and honesty in his words. "I'll wait for you."

The sound of the book being slammed closed reverberated against the walls. Yours and Sans's eyes snapped back to Winlock seeing him pull out a gun, "You should have said that San." His voice was cold, with his eyes empty.

Silence fell as the fire from the gunshot rang in your ears. Blood spilled out of San’s mouth as he choked it all over the altar. You screamed, a noise so loud it would shatter the hearts in a mile radius. The floor beneath you shook, cracking before opening. The last thing you could see before the floor swallowed you whole was your lover, dying on the doorstep of the religion he so desperately trusted.

San laid on his back, the wound in his chest spluttering the crimson liquid into the carpet. He could see the moon above him. Feeling the light raze on his skin. His eyes closed for a moment, taking in the tingling feeling. There was no more pain. Sadness washed away with every drop of blood that fell onto the stairs, and then he whispered out a stutter before taking his last breath.

"Forgive me, lord... I have sinned.”

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I start giving some very *very* Christian family members religious pamphlets from non-Christian religions as gifts?

To be clear, I am writing this while firmly believing I'm NTA but I am angry and don't trust my own judgment too much right now.

Background and Players: My Son (19) was adopted out as a baby by his incubator behind (my husband, 40) his father's back. He was abandoned at 4 by his adopted family because of behavioral issues related to what his incubator was putting into her body while she was pregnant with him, and went into foster care with people I will call Amom and Adad. Adad is a pastor in his 90s and Amom is a pastor's wife in her 80s. When Son was 13 and I had been with Husband for 5ish years, we had been told (by someone from his incubator's family but we didn't know that at the time) he was non-verbal and "mentally an infant" and that trying to pull him out of the routine he had would just be incredibly harmful to him, so we had given up hope of finding him and having a relationship with him. We got a phone call one day, a worker who was looking for a medical history for Son. Husband spent close to 3 hours on the phone with her, answering questions and asking anything he could squeeze in. Turns out, we had been lied to about his mental health just... completely. He's impossible to shut up and he graduated high school last year despite, you know, *gestures vaguely at everything* and I am incredibly proud of him. Half an hour after that call ended, she called back and told us Son might be interested in meeting us, was it okay for her to pass on our contact info. A month later, Son, Amom, Adad, Husband and I were sitting in a restaurant together and a month after that we went to their place for a week to spend Christmas with them. This is when they informed us that they had finalized his legal adoption a couple of weeks earlier. 2 years after that, my QPP moved in with us, and another year later 16 year old Son asked if he could move in with us. He still does.

The Issue: Son wants a continuing relationship with Amom and Adad, but due to the previously mentioned substances used by his incubator, he has memory and time management issues so I have to regularly remind him to contact them. I have no problem doing this, but the contact we have had with them over the last few years has soured me on their company. I've got no problem reminding Son to contact them and organizing rides for him to visit (usually QPP and I driving him, the trip is a couple of hours each way) but I'd rather never speak to them myself if it can be avoided. It didn't start out this way, but over the years they have made it very clear that they don't respect anyone else's beliefs. Not just us, like there was one night where they were going off about some Danish surgeon saying publicly that he was Muslim first, Danish second, and they were trying to convince us to be terrified by that. The conversation ended awkwardly when Husband asked if Adad was Nationality or Christian first (because that's different you see). We have found books on the bookshelves in the guest room about how any kind of queerness at all is demonic possession, one of which they wrote. They talk about things like being sent on a mission by their god to save as many (and I hate that these are quotes) "brown heathen children" by making them Christians as possible (Son and his adopted siblings are all First Nations, Amom and Adad are as white as I am), or how Jewish people are evil for stopping Christians from claiming their suffering because "Jesus was a Jew so aren't all Christians also Jews?". Amom once spent a week trying to convince me to go to church with her and share the details of my childhood sexual abuse with the entire congregation because "it will show God you are ready to be forgiven". QPP is a shintoist and after they found that out, we started seeing more literature about the Japanese, specifically during WWII, around their house when we visited.

We have politely made it clear that we are not interested in Christianity, especially not their version. Multiple times. We thought it was finally over after Son had a meltdown at them at his graduation ceremony because he wanted JUST ONE conversation with them that wasn't about Jesus. He was in tears trying to explain that to them, and their response was to tell him he needed to come back to church so they could lay on hands and chase all the demons making him say these horrible disrespectful things to them out of him. He was supposed to stay with them for a few days to visit after that, but by the time I tracked him down and got him calm, he didn't want to go anymore. They seemed to stop after that, like they actually backed off and I think I got maybe 2 emails that didn't mention God or Jesus, not even a "God bless" in the sign off. We were optimistic. Son was late organizing it but we dropped him off (at his request, he's worried that Adad won't make it to next Christmas and wanted to see him) at their place on Boxing Day. We did not hang around, we did not send gifts, we didn't even reply to the Family Christmas Email (it had a video of a Jordan B Peterson rant embedded in it and I've told them before that we are not interested in anything that sack of hateful arrogance has to say please stop putting him in my inbox). We have done everything we can to make it clear that we do not want a relationship with them for ourselves, including outright directly telling them politely to their faces that we will not stop Son from seeing them but we don't feel comfortable around them and don't want a relationship with them for ourselves. Son came back with "gifts" from them - a study guide for a specific Bible book (I got John, Husband got Michael, QPP set his on fire before we saw who it was) and a bag of candy that looked like it came out of a thrift store (I got the same one they always get me, which I laughed off the first and second and third time and explained I couldn't stand them because my abuser used to give me one when he was done. Husband is diabetic and got York Patties. QPP actually got something decent though, $20 for gas).

I have managed to keep my "I'd rather you hadn't bothered actually" rantingvto Tumblr, which i don't think they even know exists, but I'm still pissed about the Bible crap as "gifts". I am considering changing tactics completely and being super friendly, mirroring their energy, and giving them the same treatment they've given us. I want to make excuses to visit so I can explain the finer points of shintoism and Celtic paganism in every single conversation. I want to give them books for gifts, books like The Tao of Pooh and The Gospel of The Flying Spaghetti Monster. I want to wrap cash in pamphlets about The Invisible Pink Unicorn and leave it on their fridge.

QPP and husband think I should give myself more time to calm down and just keep ignoring it and playing nice when I'm forced to play at all but like, IT'S BEEN 6 YEARS.

What are these acronyms?

[hiwelcometothemonstersancturary]

In your AU, if a toy ever had a wedding, what would it be like and what kind of chaos would likely ensue?

Dogday and Catnap's wedding would be an event that would go down in history with how chaotic it was (affectionate).

Skipping the arc in which Dogday and Catnap fall in love (again) and start dating, some years down the line they just look at each other and go "you know what would be fun? A wedding! In practice it wouldnt change a thing except some legal stuff but it would be so much fun to call you my husband AND also have it be on paper!", and, after talking with Angel + Prototype about it, it's wedding preparations!

I think Catnap would like it to be in the church he goes to, or at least have some catholic elements due to him being religious. Dogday doesn't mind (they talked about it since they started dating) but would like Angel to also add elements from their religion bc it just feels right. In the end, they pick a big wedding venue in order to host all the toys + human friends they would like to invite.

I know there would be – inevitably – a lot of media attention, despite Angel's best efforts in keeping the family away from any unecessary attention. I think at this point there's rumors of one of the "toys" Angel rescued being actually a monster, so when Prototype shows up the only surprise is that the media rumors are indeed true. Everyone who was invited already knew he existed and were used to him by this point so it's all okay!

Speaking of people: Dogday and Catnap invite their neighbors and the parents of the kids they help babysit with the other Smiling Critters. Catnap also invites his friends from the church and the old ladies are SO excited about it (they helped him talk to Dogday before they started dating)! Plus there's also the entire family there.

Craftycorn helps Dogday make his and Catnap's wedding dresses. She's literally vibrating when Dogday asks her for help, she was BORN for this. They make a trillion designs and settling in on one takes months – yes even Catnap has trouble picking a design. Also yes, Catnap's dress is black, he's a goth king.

Mommy Long Legs helps with the decoration. Picky is the one who took care of all the flowers used and also helped with the food. Kickin is helping everyone out with their tasks, and helps the couple pick the music. Bubba and Poppy meanwhile are helping with overall organization, but he and Delight go overboard with helping MLL with the lights so Poppy ends up doing most of the organization work. Speaking of which!

Poppy is there 24/7 next to Catnap and Dogday, making sure all the preparing is more fun than tiring, and eventually she and Kissy help Picky with the flowers and Crafty with the outfits. She's the one that made Catnap and Dogday FINALLY settle on a dress choice. They're glad to have at least one person who can help them settle on a final choice.

When the wedding happens, it's even more chaotic than planned, but in a good way. Everyone is crying, the single reporter allowed to record anything is also crying because she also became a family friend as the years went on, etc etc.

Prototype is trying not to cry, cries anyways because he never thought the kids would ever be able to live this much, Angel is crying because it's their kids getting married and they look so happy. They both get drunk and Angel is recorded dancing on a table, Dogday is laughing so much he's crying.

Mommy Long Legs sings karaoke and her voice is surprisingly good. She, Crafty and Dogday are all singing together while Bunzo is playing a clarinet in the background, and then Catnap joins them and it becomes a whole musical.

What no one expects, however, is Hoppy showing a video showcasing the couple's journey, and the video has OOOOLD recordings of when everyone was back at Playtime Co. pre-HoJ. Prototype found the recordings and gave to her. There's also lots of family videos from the years since the rescue, all in chronological order, featuring plenty of shenanigans and funny moments as well. Catnap and Dogday keep the video after the event, of course.

I dont know who they would pick as best man/woman but I am 100÷ sure this led to an argument. Not between them but between the other toys, because for Catnap and Dogday all Smiling Critters + Delight, Poppy and MLL should be best men and women, but Poppy is like "nononono that's too much!", but in the end they're all picked to be that.

Things that also happened:

Mommy Long Legs and Bobby playfully fighting each other over the flower bouquet. MLL doesn't even plan on marrying, she just wants to show off, and Bobby joined her because she's just excited.

Angel ended up catching the bouquet by pure accident. They were just chilling on the sidelines and then BAM, bouquet on their face. Dogday pretended it wasn't intentional on his part.

The humans kids + the mini critters making a nice surprise for Dogday and Catnap by making nice little drawings and folding them in paper airplanes.

Kickin was completely oblivious to one of the family's human friends flirting with him and genuinely thought the lady was just being nice.

Huggy ended up trapping himself on a tree and Catnap had to rescue him.

Bunzo, who had just hit 21, drinking for the fist time and proudly proclaiming "EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU HYPED ME SO MUCH FOR THIS?", cue to Angel drinking their 5th glass of alcohol and Bunzo staring at them in dissapointment.

Catnap and Dogday dancing forró and piseiro.

Dogday, a bit drunk, starting to cry upon realizing that yes, he just got married.

Prototype and Dogday having to drag Angel to a quieter area because they drank too much.

The following day news showcasing that Dogday and Catnap had their wedding ceremony. Wish I could know what the internet would think about it but I'm 100% sure the fandom for the Smiling Critters cartoon show will never let anyone not know that in real life, DayNap exists.

I think way more shenanigans happened, but on the top of my head, these were the main ones!

[appalamutte]

Music for The Kiss at the end of Year Two, one of the most climactic moments in the series.

I ended up having to split this up into two different tracks: one that's a lot quieter and softer, which would ideally play between Jack leaving Bitty at the end of the graduation ceremony (end of 2.17), to right when Jack runs off to find Bitty after talking to his Dad.

The second is the big moment, where Jack finds Bitty in his old bedroom at the Haus. It's much more loud and grandiose. It's swooping and encompassing. It's the kiss.

As always, it's best listened to with headphones!! And be careful with the second track, it goes from real quiet to real loud pretty quickly!

The reason for splitting it into two is simply because, to me, it felt like two different tracks. I was trying to aim for something realistic that you'd hear in the tv show, and tv shows are chock full of dialogue and quiet moments; it quickly became apparent to me that there was a natural separation between the first half of this track and the second half, right after Jack runs off to find Bitty and right before he finds him (basically, when Bitty is crying to Halo by Beyonce).

Anyway, I got this out way faster than I was expecting. We can thank 1) back-to-back snow storms alongside back-to-back arctic freezes that kept me in the house all weekend and 2) sudden inspiration in the shower for how to actually start the first song.

I really hope I did it all justice. When I listen to it I can see it all in my head, so I hope y'all can too, and that y'all enjoy it!!

Here's the track I did for the 2.17 - Graduation update, which in my mind plays right before this if it were in the tv show.

More of my thoughts under the cut:

Starting off right at the end of 2.17 (Graduation), where Bitty hugs Jack thinking that's that and they walk away from each other, I really wanted to keep it light and soft. Airy almost. It's such a delicate moment that it feels wrong to imagine it being noisy with music.

When the piano comes in, that's about when Jack finds his family and talks to his Dad about not having said goodbye to everyone. This is still soft because this conversation Jack has with his Dad is a big one. Then, in the comic, when Jack has his oh panel, there are faint music notes in the background, which I've always believed to be church bells from a campus cathedral or something (don't ask me why. If I'm wrong about that don't tell me either, let me be ignorant in peace). That's what you hear at the end of part one, and the music growing louder is Jack realizing what he has to do and running off to do it.

Between the two tracks is when Bitty is alone in Jack's old Haus bedroom at the beginning of 2.18 (Goodbye for the Summer, pt. 1). I figured all you'd hear in this moment is him singing Halo by Beyonce and sniffling.

Then Jack finds him, and the second track starts. Cue the strings, building, then the swell.

Then the climax.

I pulled the same theme from the Graduation track for this moment, bringing it full circle, only it's much more grandiose and epic in a romantic way, because this is what we've been waiting for, what Bitty's been pining for, of course it's big and loud and encompassing. It's like being swept off your feet and flying up, up, up off the ground. I even bring the church bells back in - maybe the window is open and they're still going off, or maybe it's wedding bells going off in Bitty's head, or something.

(Honestly, I just liked the way it sounded haha.)

The rest of the song is when they start to come back down to Earth, when they break apart and Jack's phone starts ringing, and Bitty's in a daze going "Okay, okay" while Jack's promising to text him.

Then Bitty's alone again. But not really.

[archeronfilm]

The Fifth Element (1997)

"I don't care, he should have been a butch lesbian."

In case you don't want spoilers, or to hear my long verbose in-detail thoughts on this movie, here's the short and sweet version:

The Fifth Element is raunchy, corny, and campy in all the right ways, and some of the wrong ones. It's far from a perfect movie, but I really enjoyed watching and rewatching it, and I would recommend it! I guess um, 4/5 stars, maybe.

Okay, now let's get serious. I saw the first 15 minutes of this movie while visiting my mother, found it so intriguing that I watched it with a friend, and then watched it again to write this review. Let's get into the meat of it. Spoilers for a 30 year old movie ahead.

Word Count: 6,082

Okay, The Fifth Element (1997), dir. Luc Besson, is a sci-fi comedy starring such greats as Bruce Willis and Gary Oldman, who I've been in love with since I watched Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (1990).

We open in Egypt in 1914, in a scene I can only describe as "Mummy-esque." Seriously, this scene came on in my mother's living room and I thought we were watching a yet unseen installation of The Mummy or Indiana Jones. It contains, among other things, an incredibly hammy and not-at-all-subtle dump of exposition. They go out of their way to gravitate back to this wall of runes several times, to make sure you know as much background lore as possible. A later scene renders this odd choice kind of unnecessary, but I'll concede its existence for one key reason-- the Mondoshawan.

The Mondoshawan are the good-guy aliens in this movie, though they're only featured on screen two times, one of them being this scene. Their space ship looms awesomely over this strange Egyptian exposition-temple, and they are a star example of one of the best parts of this movie.

All the effects, or at least as many of them as possible, are practical. Of course, it's a movie made in the 90's, so they would be. But the beautifully clunky and real toddling of these men in alien costumes was a dead-ringer for New Who, and it was incredibly endearing to me. I am a major believer in the power and merit of practical effects and the tragedy of computer generation. And this movie is *swimming* in practical effects. It's a delight.

I will say there's this bit where the leader Mondoshawan is toddling towards this very slowly closing stone door and he doesn't make it through because his very slow waddling is somehow slower than the door is, and I think it was supposed to be semi-serious but I laughed at it. It was just a little ridiculous.

The back half of this first scene feels kind of oddly paced, like it's rushed, which is odd to me considering the scene didn't hold back on dumping as much stuff on me as possible just a few minutes ago. Very strange scene, seems to only have one purpose, which I'll get back to later.

So, flash forward 30 years to something dramatically different in aesthetic and vibe, of course. We're in space. We're gritty, we're militaristic, of course. There's an evil fucking orb of fire flying towards the Earth at top speed. Things aren't looking great.

The president, a man with eyes of a frightening shade, is black! This is not plot relevant, but I find the tendency of movies from this period to feature black presidents far before Obama's term to be really interesting. Is this social commentary? A thoughtful statement about how fantastical the idea of a black man in office is to the average American? I will never know. I really like this character, he's a fun guy. He has more personality than most president characters do, probably due to him being on an awesome spaceship with a team of nodding yes-men in a delightfully Star Trek-esque uniform. I like him a lot. He's my boy.

This is the same scene where we get introduced to Vito Cornelius, a priest who appears to be Catholic because he does the sign of the cross later in the movie, even though I definitely assumed he was some weird member of the church of the Fifth Element or something.

Cornelius is here to suggest that the ball of fire is sentient and evil, and that the president shouldn't shoot it with missiles, because it's so sentient and evil that it'll get even sentienter and eviler. Of course, the president disregards this warning, because that's what movie presidents do to random old men in robes.

From this blunder comes one of the many incredibly hard lines in this movie. Where Mr. President tells Staedert, his military commander, "I have a doubt." and Staedert replies "I don't, Mister President" and then presses the fire button on the huge gigantic missiles. It's awesome, only slightly undercut by the fact that it doesn't work and Staedert and his crew get fucking obliterated right after. By the evil sentient ball which shoots out a flare of flames that has an evil spooky skull in it. That's not a joke at all, that seriously happens in this scene. I laughed.

Now we smash cut to Bruce Willis. He's Korben Dallas, this sort of gritty ex-military guy with a very cute cat. I love this cat. She is an adorable, slightly cross eyed white longhair. It's honestly a tragedy and a waste that she was only in like two scenes. She should have been ever-present, fitted with Air Bud esque mouth animation so she could act as Bruce Willis' voice of reason throughout the film.

Korben Dallas is trying to quit smoking. He's a cab driver who's dogshit at driving his cab and is mere seconds away from losing his license. He is, and I quote, "Still stuck on that two-timing slut." He wants a perfect woman. There are about two Chekov's guns in that last block of text.

He opens his first scene with us in what I can only describe as the sluttiest most hot and sweaty chest binder I've ever seen. And a pair of tight belted leather boots that it really seems like he fell asleep wearing.

And then he gets mugged by a guy, presumably so they can show us how much he knows about guns, and that he has been mugged enough that he now has a secret shelf that is just completely full of guns. Hilarious. I love this bit. It's not even relevant, I just loved it.

Okay so the evil sentient ball of fire. We didn't forget about that. This scene is one that confused me really badly during my rewatch. Here, Cornelius explains in full detail and in much less vague terms than before what the Fifth Element does and why they need it to save Earth from this evil ball of fire. This scene renders most of the in-narrative purpose of the first scene moot. The only reason it now exists (other than some background stuff that could probably have been introduced in a less odd way) is to address a more meta issue, which I'll get to later. But while I was watching it, I couldn't help but think "Well... then what the hell were we doing in the desert with Luke Perry?"

In this scene, we get to see the Mondoshawans again for the final time, so we can introduce the bad guy aliens, the Mangalores. They jack the stones (the elements) from the Mondoshawan ship and blow them up.

I thought this scene was supposed to set up the stereotypical "military incompetent" idea that's often present in this type of sci fi, but the president honestly makes mostly good decisions that don't make him feel like a bumbling idiot once through the entire movie. Honestly, he's kind of cool. I like him.

Okay, now that the Mangalores have been tragically exploded, we get the vehicle towards one of our main characters. Using a saved body part from the Mangalores and some utterly and delighfully made up genetic scienceology, we recreated the perfect genes of some alien into... a skinny white girl with the orangest hair I've ever seen. This scene features one of the only costuming choices in the movie that I truly hate. Leeloo's weird strap undies (and subsequent inability to wear normal pants, but mostly these strap undies?). I just hate it. Why is it here. It's not even that sexy looking. She looks like a ham in an asylum.

The set design in this movie is also delightfully Whovian and Star-Trek-ish. Tinfoil walls, lava lamp type sensibilities. The costumes are camp the set is camp, everything is camp. It's an absolute whale. The costumes the policemen wear while chasing runaway Leeloo are just hilarious. Many fantastic choices made all around, except for those fucking weird underpants.

Some of the sci-fi concepts in this movie FEEL overplayed and hammed up, and then I remember that it was released when a lot of this stuff was new and in-vogue, and it becomes an interesting exercise in perspective. Maybe they were pioneers, what do I know? I'm having an absolute ball.

Okay, so Leeloo falls directly through the roof of Korben Dallas' cab, and before you say anything, I do have many choice words throughout this recap/review about the infamous trope borne of this movie, "Born Sexy Yesterday," and I am aware of its existence. These opinions are sprinkled throughout alongside my others.

So Bruce Willis seems to be a big fan of this strange woman who, especially in this scene, acts very childlike. Korben's interest doesn't really read as creepy in this scene, until later when he randomly assaults her. You know, like a creep would do. I digress.

Leeloo knows how to read Roman lettering, and while I understand this choice in this scene, I do think it doesn't make sense and kills a little bit of world building. Whatever. Language guy complaining about language stuff.

Speaking of world building, there are a lot of worldbuilding things conveyed visually and through dialog in this movie that arent ham-fisted exposition vomit, and I am very fond of them. The hitch inside the rear door of Dallas' cab, saying Leeloo "doesn't have a file," the Fog? That is never explained? This world has some suggestion of richness and intrigue that I love to see from sci-fi. They waste no time painting "THIS IS THE POINT" with big red letters, because it's just setdressing, and I think that ultimately makes these details really sing.

I love the dialog and energy in the high speed chase scene, the vertical train, the Fog??? The way this movie doesn't need to explain itself. Until it does explain itself. Blatantly. And then I get sad.

In a lot of ways, I think this movie's actual plot is the least interesting part of it. More on this later.

It also *really* seems like this movie was sponsored by McDonald's.

A nearly unconscious Leeloo begs Korben Dallas to take her to Cornelius, before passing out with such cartoonish vigor that I originally thought she was kidding.

So Korben takes Leeloo to Cornelius' apartment, getting originally turned away for being mistaken for newlyweds (barf). Instead of knocking again, he just kicks down the door. Cornelius realizes due to a tattoo on her inner wrist that she's the Fifth Element (!) and passes out. Korben places her on the couch.

Now, I don't really understand why Korben Dallas chooses to sexually assault Leeloo by kissing her while she's unconscious in this scene. It not only feels gross, it also feels kind of unprecedented. They've met once, had approximately the amount of chemistry you'd expect, and then she passed out. Maybe in the 90's this felt spontaneous and romantic, but to me it just feels like he did it for no reason. I wish she had actually shot him. Thankfully, her outburst of rage at this momentarily makes her feel a little less like a literal grade-schooler, a much needed respite.

Milla Jovovich does what I think is a pretty good job at keeping her pronunciation of the divine language consistent throughout the scenes where she speaks it. She's Ukranian-American, but I have no idea if she's bilingual or had an accent coach or something. Either way, well done Ms. Jovovich!

Anyway, Cornelius walks in having suddenly changed into these silly ass robes, a great sight gag, and kicks Korben out of the room, but not before he reveals that the words that Leeloo yelled at Korben meant "never without my permission," which really made me wish she had shot him *twice*.

The scene where Korben talks to his friend, Finger, about Leeloo was clearly supposed to be romantic, I'm sure. It actually makes him look like a freak. I hated him for much of this movie.

Now, Back to the Mangalores. The Mangalores are a warrior race who have been hired by the big evil of this movie-- Gary Oldman. For some reason, they decided to make him southern. Not that I'm really complaining, but characters in this movie seem to have accents for no reason, and I really love it.

I love Gary Oldman in this movie. His character, Zorg, is fitted with one of the most ridiculous wardrobes of the entire cast. He has this odd plastic cap on his head, a flaccid mohawk, and the filthiest facial hair possible (a soul patch). He is fucking awesome. I love Zorg.

Spliced between parts of this arms deal, we learn that the stones aren't in the case. Leeloo tells Cornelius that in case they were stolen, the stones were given to someone trusted by the Mondoshawans, but not before changing clothes in front of him and his apprentice. I swear, she does this like three times in this movie.

The cut back to Leeloo in this scene right after Zorg realizes the box is empty is really well done. Effective, funny, punchy. She laughs like a freak, it's great.

There's a bit of dialog Zorg has with his right hand man right after this failed arms deal where he talks about his philosophy around warriors and why he prefers killers. I love this bit. The way he just coldly leaves them with a bomb built into his holy-overkill-gun is hard as shit, and it gives us a nice insight into our villain in the first scene he's in. I like it. I like Zorg.

Speaking of Zorg, we get a proper introduction to him just after. Here is one of the most interesting scenes in this film, where we get some insight about Zorg and Cornelius' respective opinions on life and death.

The interesting thing about this scene is that I kind of agree with Zorg, his saying that death exists to create life for the living, ostensibly feeding the cycle of life and progress. Regardless, he is painted as stupid when Cornelius has to rescue him from choking on a cherry.

And why the hell would you ever put a whole cherry in a glass of water? You're basically asking to choke to death. And Cornelius has a point, why don't you, a guy who has a special button to unearth his bizarre elephantine freak creature from the secret drawer in your desk, have a special robot to smack you on the back when you're choking? *Especially* when you do dumb shit like putting whole pit-in cherries in your glasses of water? Answer me that, Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg.

Actually, I don't know how this bit is supposed to disprove Zorg's point. All it really proves is that people need each other sometimes, which has nothing to do with what Zorg was actually saying to Cornelius here. Now, we could argue that it goes against the way that he executes this philosophy, which is true, being that he is a weird freaky villain who has henchmen, but I don't want to argue that. Because the fact that they have this strange sum-zero philosophical argument where they're ostensibly not even talking to each other is way funnier.

Right after this there's a bit where he sends his right hand man to literally bug the space-oval office. As in, it's a cockroach with a little camera and microphone on it. This bit is super funny. No thematic relevance, I just loved watching the president fucking cream the roach with his shoe while Zorg's henchman writhed in pain from the mic feedback.

The next important scene, by which I mean the next scene, starts with a healthy serving of "Sci-Fi setting that is weird about Asian people." Get behind me, Mr. Kim, this movie doesn't respect you enough.

Anyway, Korben's hilariously young adult-sounding mother calls him on the phone to bitch at him insanely about how he never calls and gives us a key piece of information-- Korben has won an all expenses paid trip to Fhloston Paradise! This coincidentally is where Leeloo told Cornelius the person with the stones was. This contest was actually alluded to on Korben's television in his first scene as well. This movie is very, *very* good at setup-payoff. Lots of domino situations.

Korben professional-improvs his way out of a police confrontation (organized by Zorg) just to get walloped over the head by Cornelius, who intends to steal his tickets so he and Leeloo can save planet Earth. In the process, he also puts his former superior officer in a freezer. Everyone wants Korben's sweet sweet bod in this scene. It's really something.

There's a couple of details about Korben's character and his relationship with Leeloo in this scene that jumped out at me, and I will be addressing them alongside the others of their ilk later in this review.

Cornelius hatches a plan to make his apprentice David impersonate Korben so they can get to Fhloston. It doesn't work, of course, because this movie chose to represent being knocked out the most realistically I've ever seen in a blockbuster flick. Korben is only down for the count for a second or two, which means he caught up with them and pulled some more startlingly effective improvisation out of his ass to get on this flight with Leeloo. It's really remarkable how good this ex military guy is at improv. Get his ass behind a mic. Get Korben on Whose Zorg is it Anyway, and pay me royalties.

I have a note here that just says "Everyone in this movie wears what I can only describe as rave wear. It's pretty hilarious." I have nothing to add. That's accurate.

So they're boarding this flight, right? And here's a real doozy. 1 out of 2 of my impassioned rants on one specific character in this movie who we meet in this scene. Ruby Rhod. Ruby ffffucking Rhod.

I actually *need* to talk about this guy. He is like the Prince of outer space. His scenes where he does his talk show are mesmerizing, zany, all over the place. I felt like I was having a nightmare. He's fascinating, fabulous, flamboyant, some other f word that I'm choosing not to say right now. His use of "green" to mean "good" is just perfect. Korben's completely dodgy and stiff responses are honestly the perfect contrast to Ruby in this scene. They're foils. This scene has captivated me. Ruby prowls around while tiger growling noises play in the background and flirts with this random stewardess ON AIR, inches from her face with the mic separating their mouths, promising to have sex with her later. ON AIR. It's implied that this is a normal thing that is acceptable on his show.

Ruby also has a whole gang of yes men, all of which are only slightly less flamboyantly homosexual than he is, but still feel more explicitly homosexual than Ruby, who has sex with as many women as he can possibly manage, which seems to be many, because every woman who mentions his name in this movie appears to cream their pants if he so much as breathes near them. That girl he flirted with? She moaned and collapsed on the floor right after.

The scene after the show, where Korben Dallas pins Ruby to the wall and threatens him, would have been beautifully compelling if Korben Dallas was a butch lesbian. This is the furthest thing from thoughtful character analysis, I just would have liked it more.

It's implied in the following scene that Ruby has only ever really wanted to fuck aliens before meeting this random stewardess, and we get to watch a very cleverly compiled set of scenes from wildly different locales that all fit together. Ruby having sex with this stewardess, the ship taking off, and Zorg blowing up his right hand man for failing him. They also use the Wilhelm scream in this scene, but given that the movie was made in the late 90's this is par for the course, and is really much more tasteful than usual.

For some reason, rasta(?) music is playing. There is a vaguely rastafarian man in this scene, but only for around 12 seconds. The use of regionally and culturally specific music in this movie that has no bearing on the actual space the characters inhabit is absolutely fascinating to me. There was some music earlier, playing in sci-fi New York, that I swear used a Raga scale. All the music is very good, good job Éric Serra.

After Zorg finishes exploding his frankly very competent right hand man, we get a scene where we discover that he's after the stones because some man he's working for, Mr. Shadow, wants them. Zorg is the main antagonist for most of this movie. Mr. Shadow never comes back again, and we do not need him. All he really serves to do is to make Zorg look more pathetic and give him an excuse to be more desperate when he can't get his hands on the stones, which, while fine, I think the movie could have gotten away with just having Zorg being a dramatic villain who freaks out when he doesn't get his way without this bit. Not egregious, but not really a necessary scene.

Okay, I have a big question. Why is Fhloston paradise Hawaii? It just *is* Hawaii. Did Hawaii escape to a separate planet at some point? Good for them, except that Fhloston is still a crazy tourist spot full of annoying white people, so not really. This is just Super Mega Hell 2 for Hawaiians. The song they sing in the first Fhloston scene is really good, though. Thanks, Éric.

On the topic of Fhloston, I really love the use of color in the set. Given the way the rest of this movie is, it's possible that it's more for visual contrast and not theming, but there is a scene during the opera performance that switches between complements, and the visual contrast is, well, good.

Speaking of the opera, Korben has front row seats, and its 5pm. You know what that means.

It's fucking Ruby Rhod time, baby! Ruby is back in black, in the most fantastic costume in this entire movie. Despite it showing off his entire clavicle (no exaggeration), it manages to get more and more revealing as this scene plays out. This bit where he asks Korben if he's happy with being on Fhloston in his usual over the top, loud, flamboyant way and Korben looks into his eyes, leans into the mic, and says "Thrilled" drolly is a short interaction so packed with sexual tension that I can't even argue for it without just telling you to watch the scene. This is their only interaction that really FEELS like gay sex, and it made my jaw go slack for a couple of seconds, even as the movie immediately moved on to the much more important opera segment.

Speaking of the opera, for real this time, I have one complaint. It's an annoying complaint that nobody ever wants to hear, but I'm saying it anyway because that's what I'm here to do: Diva is *not* singing. Now, maybe in some later movie review we can learn my detailed opinions on live recordings of singing performances in film (short version: I don't think they should happen, and I hate them) my main complaint is mostly that Diva's actress is just not very good at *pretending* to sing, much less opera. She doesn't pretend to breathe, doesn't try to move her mouth with the incredibly strong vibrato (understandable to some extent) but most of all, her mouth shapes just aren't right. I can concretely point to certain mouth shapes and say "that's not the shape her mouth should be when singing that vowel," it's obvious enough that I can do that. Granted, I have some experience in singing on stage, so maybe that's just my personal annoying musician experience speaking, but it was really noticeable to me. Okay, annoying complaint over, now I can say nice things

This opera, Lucia di Lammermoor with a poppy remix track towards the end, is ridiculously well performed. Diva's vocalist, Inva Mula, does a stunning job at both the formal and informal portions of this song. It's actually amazing how little of her voice had to be computer edited to sound more "alien," it's only done like twice in the portion that it's done at all, and the rest is pretty clearly just her. She really knocks it out of the park here.

The movie does something interesting here that I really enjoyed, where they periodically show us different characters reactions to this opera. Mostly Korben and Leeloo. I want to focus on Korben, who looks at Diva like this is the first time he's ever been moved in his life. Seriously, his eyes are wet and shining with unshed tears and I really mean that. Right when we get this poignant reaction out of Korben, the pop track starts playing and the somber moment abruptly ends, which is kind of what it's like watching this movie, or clicking on a Read More and discovering a film review that is easily over 5k words.

This movie has a great penchant for match cuts. Actually, most of the transition and shot choices made in this movie are really top of the line. They're all punchy, sharp, playful, to the point. Fantastic cinematographic choices, guys.

Diva finishes her performance right after Leeloo finishes fighting Zorg by getting shot at while up in an air duct. The opera is then laid siege by the Mangalores, who brutally murder Diva. This is sad for me, because I wanted her and Leeloo to be friends, and for Korben Dallas, who just felt the strongest emotion he's ever experienced thanks to her.

Ruby, of course, continues reporting on his talk show throughout the assault, because he's a goddamn professional. He also spends the next scene and a half shrieking in fear.

The reveal that the stones are literally inside Diva's body not only makes me watch one of the more disgusting scenes in this movie, it also makes me wonder-- Was Leeloo just supposed to kill her? Also, how did they get in there? Many questions and no answers, because we aren't here to fuck around.

While Diva is giving Korben this weird spiel about how Leeloo needs him and his love to survive, there's this brief cut to Leeloo, bleeding in the air vent. This cut is an absolute pang to the gut. She sits, curled up, alone, sobbing painfully with a bullet wound in her leg. She looks small, helpless, childlike in this brief scene. It was so impactful to me that it just made me angry about the way Korben and Leeloo's relationship in this movie is executed. This is another "get back to it later" thing.

For the rest of this "getting shot up by Mangalores" scene, Ruby Rhod is cowering and sniffling and screaming for Korben to help him. It's honestly like this for the rest of the movie. They're just friends now. It's awesome. I love this guy. He accidentally shoots a guy in the head and then asks Korben "You think he'll be okay?" He's the best character in this movie.

We get one of Korben's final fantastic moments of improv in this scene. It's around this point, during the "negotiation" scene, that I realized that the problem with this movie is that the best parts of it are the parts that aren't about the two characters who I'm supposed to care about the relationship between.

This scene, where Korben gets in a fighter jet, says it's just like driving a cab (a contrast from his conversation with Finger in his first scene, where he says driving a cab is easy because he isn't driving a jet) and then blows a fucking hole in the airlock and guns it out of the Fhloston ship, is so fucking cool. I'm a very simple man. It was awesome. One question, does Korben have some kind of allergy to reminding people to put seatbelts on? This is the second time he's just allowed his passengers to fly around the cabin while he drives recklessly.

Ruby's show ends at 7pm, when he tiredly proclaims that it's the best show he's ever done. I was thinking the same thing. In fact, Mr. Rhod, I really think you should hire Korben. There, now he has a new job.

Right here is where I'm going to address one of my main points (gripes) about this movie. Yes, I know, over 5k words in.

This part of the scene, where Leeloo has her weird crisis of faith about the evil of the human race, learns about war and concludes that humans aren't worth saving, falls flat to me. Sure, it feels over-played, but ultimately the problem is just that it's not done well, much like the rest of her characterization. Leeloo's depiction as being naive and childlike, which honestly only holds because she doesn't really speak fluent English, holds back her character because of the movies comphet insistence that her and Korben be romantically involved. A narrative where Leeloo, naive and unfamiliar, Leeloo, who needs other people, who sobs painfully alone in an airvent, who needs to be dried off with a towel after getting soaked with water, is actually a child, would be more compelling. And her not being able to reconcile with the evils of humanity would also have felt more convincing if she was literally a child. Like, of *course* she can't see the situation with any nuance, she's a kid. A narrative where Leeloo and Korben's dynamic is more familial would be more interesting, and honestly the way she's characterized already lends itself so perfectly to this narrative that there were points where I got actually upset that the movie refused to go that direction.

I'll go ahead and talk about Korben's character here as well. Korben is a refreshing detraction from the classic grizzled tough guy trope that we tend to see in action movies. Whether this is a result of 90's zeitgeist or just the writer's own preferences, I don't know, but I noticed it. I was expecting Korben Dallas to be a sort of obnoxious, emotionally stunted brick wall of a guy-- but he isn't, really. Korben is quick on his feet, improvisational, messy, and sure he's genius with a gun, but he's also *nice*. He's nice in a distinctly not "Grizzled emotionally stunted guy" way. When he accidentally gets Leeloo soaking wet, he gets her a towel at warp speed, apologizes up and down in a much softer tone than he ever uses for anything else. I thought at first "of course, because he likes her," but then-- Then! When he discovers that he's accidentally plastic-wrapped Cornelius, he rips the plastic and apologizes-- in the same sort of tone. He adapts his approach to the Mangalore barrage in the cruise ship to Ruby Rhod, never complains about Ruby being a nuisance or being in his way, just brings him along and asks him to help out. I honestly really like Korben Dallas. Which is why, upon reflecting on earlier scenes in this movie, it really irritates me that he just kisses Leeloo for no reason, or even that he's in love with her at all.

That scene I mentioned, where Korben dries her off, or even as early as the cab scene where she's talking animatedly to him in the divine language and we get the "bada boom" dialog, just oozes a kind of gentleness and care that doesn't speak satisfactorily to romance or sex. Leeloo, this childlike character, and Korben, this gentle man who happens to be great with guns, don't feel like husband and wife. They don't feel like sexual partners. He feels like her father. That moment with the shower soured the rest of their dynamic for me during my rewatch, because I kept thinking about how much better it could be. That dynamic, as I've already said, would have been deeply compelling, especially given the final reveal of the movie.

Now that we've escaped Fhloston, we've headed back to the temple in Egypt. This is that meta function of the first scene I said I'd address-- without it, there is no sense of a sort of circular journey the film takes. The film establishing this temple *is* important, because otherwise this scene where we return to it just wouldn't land as well. That said, I do still think the first scene is a little odd and clunky. Then again, so is much of this movie, and it's still a good scene.

Our characters spend a frustratingly long time decoding a "riddle" that Leeloo tells Korben, one which was so simple that I was yelling at my laptop the first time I watched it. We get another very gratifying and subtle payoff from an earlier scene where we see Korben has only one match left, which he needs for the fire stone. Earlier, we see him subtly take his penultimate match from the box. This movie's Chekov game is crazy.

Much like this review, Leeloo says something that feels deeply substantial nearly 2 hours into a 2 hour long movie. She says "I don't know love. I was made to protect, not to love. There is no use for me other than this."

This line is so compelling to me. It's the most CHARACTER I've seen from her in the whole movie, and its 2 hours in. We do not get to explore it.

You might have noticed, based on this line, what the Fifth Element actually is. What Leeloo needs in order to activate her Element and shoot the big fuckoff laser into the evil fire ball.

Its ~Love~.

This is, of course, ridiculously corny and requires them to kiss nasty on the mouth for longer than I would have liked to see (Of course, I would have like to not see it at all).

I don't actually mind this conclusion or the theming. It's silly, but so is the whole movie. But you might, like me, see an issue here.

If we had approached this movie the way I so desperately craved, made their dynamic more familial, made Leeloo a child and given Korben a new weird alien daughter, this conclusion would have been leagues more powerful.

Not only would it be a unique approach to what is usually a very hetero and sexual genre, it would have given a much more gratifying conclusion to Korben's character arc. At the beginning of his arc, Korben talks about how he's looking for a perfect woman after his wife left him. In the movie, Korben just... *gets* the perfect woman. He gets exactly what he wanted and he learns nothing. If Korben instead had to reckon with this new facet of his life and identity, had to reconcile with being thrust into quasi-fatherhood, he might actually have deigned to, you know, *develop* as a character. He would have *learned* something. I'm not saying every single character in the movie has to learn something, but the main goddamn character probably should, right?

But since it's an ~adult movie~ for ~grown ups~, we can't tell compelling family narratives, and the movie has to end with them having sex in a reactor pod. I hate that. I hated that conclusion and my least favorite part of this movie was its main conceit, which was genuinely tragic given how enjoyable I found the rest of the film.

So, I'll leave you with this.

The Fifth Element (1997) is a *good* movie. It's incredibly fun, zany, raunchy, and lively. The music is very good, the costuming and set design is whimsical and fantastic. It's a little weird about Asians. It birthed one of the worst cinema tropes ever invented, and it didn't even have to, because the movie would have been really, deeply beautiful if it hadn't.

And Korben Dallas should have been a butch lesbian.

Actually, I'll leave you by saying that the song that plays in the credits of this movie is really good. "Little Light of Love," it's called. I'm going to link it so you can experience it, too.

[educationalporpoises]

Five Summers

Eugene Roe/Joe Liebgott, 1.1k, T

For @searchingfortheuniverse I had a great time writing this summer exchange, I hope you enjoy it!

I.

“We didn’t get storms like this out West,” Joe said, in a rare acknowledgment of his life before the war, before he’d followed Eugene South. He curled into Eugene’s collarbone, reminding Eugene of a kitten, tiny and bristling, nipping with milk teeth. 

Eugene kissed his forehead, his shoulder, held him tight. The thunder crashed overhead, rain shattering on the roof. “It will be okay, my love,” Eugene said. Joe didn’t say anything. 

The thunderstorms scared him, though Joe would never admit it. He assented to tenderness only in the quiet dark of their bedroom, as though every kind thing Eugene did for him laid Joe flat on his back, his pale underbelly showing. 

Eugene had always loved the smell of a summer storm. Copper in the air, the wet earth coming up to meet the sky. Warm rain. As a child he would dance when the sky opened up, and now he collected Joe to his chest, and they would dance together to the rhythm of the thunder and the rain, Joe tense until he finally relaxed, and listened to the storm.

II.

Eugene had never learned how to drive, even in the war, so it was Joe’s sole responsibility to take them West. It was a trip years in the making, empty promises coming true. He pointed the old station wagon towards the sunset, following the dripping sun like a beacon. 

“I’ll show you the Golden Gate Bridge,” He’d expound as they navigated the freeway, “Take you out in the Castro. You can have my mama’s cooking.” 

Eugene looked over. Joe glowed, grinning at his invisible city as they passed hours of cornfields and bluegrass. 

Joe had seen more of the country than Eugene in his journey from California to Toccoa. He had taken a train, then, seven rattling days and nights to get to Georgia. They took a different route, now, along one of the new scenic highways, through Colorado and Wyoming, then back down to California. 

When they reached San Francisco Joe insisted on stopping, pulling the car over to one of the bluffs overlooking the bay. He crowded Eugene up against a railing, kissing him with the Golden Gate in the background. 

Eugene never did get to try Joe’s Mama’s cooking, but while Joe was with his family he explored the hills of the city, rising out of the fog and into the clouds. Joe eventually made it back to their hotel, with wonder on his face, telling Eugene they were fully right in the eyes of the Liebgotts, no sins against them. 

They left the sunset behind them, and went back home, eventually, but with postcards and well wishes, and promises to Joe’s family they would come back again next summer. 

III.

Eugene had always lived a life on the edges, first as a Cajun, then as a gay man. But Joe was committed to dragging him into the light, together. 

“Community. That’s how you survive,” He said, “That’s why we all lived on the same block. You gotta have community.” 

Eugene didn’t ask where Joe went on Friday nights, what corner of the city he found other Jewish folks in. But Joe always seemed lighter when he got back, his soul filled. And Joe never commented on Eugene’s Sunday church mornings, his hair slicked back and his rosary dangling from his fingertips. These were differences they were willing to forgive each other. 

Eugene softened at anything to make Joe feel more at home, “Alright. We can check it out. But I’m not going to any bar where there’s no Cajuns.” 

Joe nodded, “Les Americans,” He muttered. 

The bar they found themselves in was seedy as it came. Dark, no electricity, but lantern light spilling out onto the street. There was no name above the bar, no indicator it was anything, except the raucous laughter that came from within. 

Joe reached out. He took Eugene’s hand, and they stepped in together. 

IV.

The heat cloistered in Louisiana, settling into skin like a thick layer of cream over milk. Joe sweat through his shirts like a stuck fucking pig, sticky and damp from the humidity. Eugene had bought him a nice linen suit last summer, and two shirts to go with it, and he suffered them for the work week, but on the weekends Joe would strip his upper half entirely and lie on the porch, soaking up the sunlight in the long afternoons. Eugene would find him there, skin slick, and would pull off his own shirt and curl up next to him. The air was too hot to sleep together, but they could stand to nap like this, skin against skin, until the sun faded. 

V.

Joe stepped off the train, and saw a dark-haired man waiting for him, in a faded blue shirt and slacks. Not a uniform. He waved, and manhandled his suitcases over to meet Roe (Eugene, Joe reminded himself). It had steadily gotten warmer once the train hit Texas, and he was boiling in his suit. 

“Hey, stranger,” Joe said. 

Roe hummed, and took one of the suitcases, “Hope you like walking,” He called behind him, starting down a narrow street. Joe hurried after him, and they eventually came to an apartment block, similar to the one Joe had left back in San Francisco. They hauled the suitcases up the steps, and Eugene took out two keys. “I got one cut for you.” Joe took it, and thought about this– the train ride, leaving his family, the decision to come back to Eugene. He stepped forward, and pushed the key into the lock. 

“Welcome home,” Eugene said behind him. Joe turned, and saw him silhouetted by the sunlight– it was a profile he’d recognize anywhere, Roe’s outline amongst the trees, running from foxhole to foxhole. 

“Hotter here than in Bastogne,” Joe said, finally pulling off his felt hat. He ran a hand across his forehead, then through his curls. 

Eugene snorted, “Hell frozen over is hotter than that place, Joe. Take off that suit jacket, will you? You’re boiling me half to death.” 

Joe did, and undid his necktie for good measure. Eugene came up next to him, and Joe put a tentative arm around him. He looked around at the little apartment. A cool breeze ran through it, the front windows propped open. The kitchen, with a shiny new icebox next to the door to the bathroom (Eugene had told him on the phone that the apartment had in-unit bathrooms, a luxury to both of them). They were standing in the living room, with a threadbare rag rug and a couch, and behind Eugene was the doors to the bedrooms. 

It was small, but tidy, and on the wall by the kitchen was Eugene’s copy of the company’s picture at Toccoa, all of them lined up together before the jump. 

“Home,” Joe said, and wrapped him arm more firmly, pulling Eugene into him for a peck on the cheek. 

[queer-advice-hotline]

To the anon who is struggling with their faith and identity, hi. I get you. I’m in the same boat in a lot of ways. (Discussion of anti-science rhetoric, lgbt-phobia, and conservative Christian stuff for anyone who doesn’t wanna read that)

I was raised Christian, and taught that evolution and the Big Bang were false. I was taught that dinosaurs were real and the earth was billions of years old, but we were still creationists.

I was also taught that being gay or trans was sinful and that gay marriage shouldn’t be legalized. My family was never outright hostile (my uncle is gay and we always loved him, even though “we just don’t agree with his decision” ugh), but clearly bigoted.

I was also raised in baptist churches, who absolutely love to quote the same three verses over and over in order to tell women (like myself) that our whole purpose is to shut up and bear children and take care of the house, that we are to obey our fathers and husbands in everything and cannot teach men at all. Fortunately my parents at least hated that BS, and after every sermon regarding that point my mom would lecture us that that was the only thing she disagreed with with our church, and that me and my sisters could be whatever we wanted to be. She continually pointed out the instances that contradicted what our churches had said about women’s roles.

When I went to college, I made friends, met people with wildly different backgrounds, and began to form my own opinions. I am a supporter of lgbt rights (I believe that there is strong evidence that wording was changed to condemn homosexuality, and that even if it’s a sin, we are called to love each other first and foremost, and that we cannot force our religious beliefs upon anyone else, and that respecting someone’s sexuality and pronouns is just basic fucking courtesy. I’ve even convinced my trump-supporting grandparents to use peoples preferred pronouns and respect gay marriages, with the logic that “you believe it’s sinful, but they don’t, and you can’t force your religious perspective on them. There is nothing loving about making them uncomfortable just because you disagree.”

I also strongly believe in scientific theories like evolution and the Big Bang. There’s plenty of evidence, and if you read genesis with fresh eyes it’s pretty clear to me it’s highly symbolic, not literal. I can believe God created the universe and that he did so through the Big Bang. I can believe God created humans in his image through the process of evolution.

As I was expanding and changing my worldview, I also realized that I was aroace. I’ve never been interested in dating, I don’t find men good looking at all, and my appreciation for women’s beauty is more similar to how someone would appreciate a painting, not someone they want to date or marry or have sex with.

And I don’t believe it’s a problem for me to stay single either. When I told my mom she immediately told me that the Bible says that singleness is, for many, a gift, and only a different path, not a wrong one.

I often don’t know what God’s intention is, but I do know that Christians are called to be the light of the world. So I will always be kind and loving, because that is how you be a light. I always pray for better understanding of how I should do things, but in the end the most important thing is to be kind.

Sorry if that was rambly, I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone in these struggles, and that you can believe different things without being a bad person. Personally, my family doesn’t know that I’m now fairly liberal and that I believe in evolution and the Big Bang and such, but I’m okay with that. If they find out, I’ll tell them more or less what I just said here. Best of luck to you and to anyone else in a similar situation 💛

Thanks for sharing, I’m sure this will be helpful for a lot of people.

[readythefanons]

Kim voice lines + chill music

this one doesn't have a theme really it's just Kim voice line + chill music. That makes it more aligned with the original vision of the DE audio project, which was intended to be, like, music to play in the background while doing other things.

duration: 4:58

Put together in Audacity.

Kim voice lines from GrandFrance on YouTube (link)

Music by Johnathon Horner from Pixabay

More voice lines+music from the DE audio project

If you enjoyed this, please let me know :)

transcript below the jump

I don’t know. I’m not a philosopher.

(sigh) Right.

Maybe we should circle the building first and look for another way. The building has seen enough mistreatment.

There used to be seven stave churches on the coast. Les Sept Soeurs they call them -- The Seven Sisters. Only one remains. The rest were burnt in the Revolution, or used for building materials.

It's Dolores Dei.. "The old woman was right. This is the Dolorian Church of Humanity in Martinaise. Or the Small Pinewood Church in some records.

I've noticed that, yes. And I must say I find it troubling.

It’s been a long winter, long and cold.

Interesting question.

Justice, union, prudence, and force.

I think you can gauge what they want you to think of them from that.

Love, compassion, self-discipline.

They're not all that bad. In my twenties I considered myself a moralist. A blue forget-me-not, a piece of the sky. But the years have changed that. I don’t know what I believe in now.

You will have to look elsewhere for opinions. The Moralintern are a fact. I try not to have opinions on facts -- until they change.

No, there’s nothing else. I just haven’t gotten a lot of sleep these past few days.

Interesting.

This is one of those times where you're just going to keep talking no matter what I say, isn't it?

Alright, detective. Your turn.

No need to be melodramatic.

Then the world will turn away from you and leave you behind.

Mmhm. We have a real museum here. Of battles, wars…

I don't know who died here, lined up beside that horrible wall. It could have been any of the parties involved in the Revolution. Perhaps the ones executed here were the loyalist-conservatives -- killed by the communists at the start of the civil war. It could even have been the employees of the Feld R&D Center down the coast, as their building was taken over by the revolutionaries.

Nothing for us to do here. Let’s move along.

I don’t know.

That’s my position: the abattoir.

And… was it all worth it?

The subject of humanism is too abstract for me.

It’s alright. Don’t worry about it.

Hm. Let me think about it.

In Elysium. Behind our eyes. Like all human beings, detective.

It all seems unreal, detective. In actuality, the pale is no more unreal than, say, water. Or death.

It’ll come to you sooner or later. Is that secret enough for you?

After life, death. After death, life again. After the world, the pale. After the pale, the world again.

Who could say it’s not true?

It’s a… mystery.

The world is what it is. So am I.

Okay, and something happened in that brain?

I’m listening.

You did well.

I’m glad to see you’re stable. Keep it that way.

You know, detective, there's... something admirable about that, in its own way...

I’ve never heard of a species like that… The nervous system could be spread out like that… Over the extremities, like a cuttlefish.

I think you should back away from the unstudied species now.

Like a water strider… only… I’ve never seen anything like that in my life... Maybe it has left some proof.

[guiltywisdom]

Different anon but I just wanted to ask about something in your last answer. You said you wanted to get married so you can foster children. I'm a single dad of one; I'm aroace, but I adopted my daughter after I found her in the trash as an infant (I work with Wildlife Services and someone reported what they assumed was an animal in a trash bag in a ditch, and then I opened the bag and the rest is history). How does the Orthodox Church view single parents who adopt?

Ever since I found Eva my life has changed for the better. I stopped drinking, I stopped gambling, I got back in touch with my family, and I got back into reading and learning about God because I want to be able to give Eva a solid faith background, which I didn't have growing up. I know it's weird. Dudes who adopt while single are a pretty small minority of adoptions. I never thought about having kids at all before her. But I saw her and I felt an overwhelming sense of connection, of protectiveness, and I went from "ugh I hate kids, they're so annoying" to bundling her to my chest for warmth and rocking her and singing to her in under five minutes. I also went from "hasn't prayed in years" to nonstop praying that she would be okay despite the cold and awful conditions I found her in, and she somehow got out of that situation without frostbite despite the bitter January cold. A fundamental part of me has altered and I would never, ever give her up, not for anything in the world. Eva is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I thank God for her regularly.

My sisters have warned me some churches gossip and not everyone will be supportive of a non-traditional family. I know that they're probably right. But I've met some little old ladies who go to the local Serbian Orthodox Church, and they adore Eva and seemed supportive of me raising her. So... what's the vibe of the Church on this? Will it be supportive overall? Is there any doctrine against being a single parent, like some Baptists have, or would it be more or less alright?

(Sorry this is so long. I have so many feelings about my baby girl I always go on long when I talk abut her.)

Oh that's amazing you did that! There is no doctrine on single parents although generally two parents are seen as the ideal but that's more cultural. You'll find a lot of people supportive of your relationship with your daughter, especially if they know the situation and how much you love her. We are told to look after the widows and the orphans however which I think applies here.

For me specifically, I want to get married for many reasons and only one single one being so I can foster. I know caring for children is something I've been called to despite my asexuality but just personally don't think I could do it solo considering my disabilities so that's why I'm waiting until I find someone to marry but I know there are many great single parents out there right now.

My sibling in Christ, I hope you continue to attend that Serbian church and that you find a loving community there for you and Eva.

[auniverseforgotten]

(in reference to the priest post) OK OK OK BUt imagine Mozart, 'beloved by God', tricking priest!Salieri to listen to his confession. Salieri just thinking that oh, if Mozart is God's specialist little boy, that definitely means that it'll be tame sins, right? Oh boy no. Wrong.

IT TOOK ME FIVE MILLION YEARS TO GET MY LAPTOP OUT I SORRYYYYYY

BUT YES YES EXACTLY YOU'RE SO RIGHT SDXCG

So for those who maybe missed it was this post here and I kinda see this set up in a couple ways like.

First: randomized setting, vague historic time so I don't have to look up religion for hours [not a hardship I simply do not have the time atm], priest!Salieri is in the confessional and it's a small town given the time period so he tends to recognize voices. Never breathes a word, ofc, that's not the point of confession; but then he hears the God's Most Favorite Annoying Fucker's voice and like wow okay alright why are you here Amadeus that's weird in and of itself. But he figures it'll be something simple, lusting over someone, envious of something. And well. Kinda. It is about lust but the longer he talks the more Salieri realizes it is about him specifically and I think it's funny if somehow Mozart doesn't realize it's Salieri and thinks it's a different priest? Which doesn't make sense, I know, I'm sure he would recognize Salieri's voice, BUT. Anyway it would end with mutual masturbation in the confessional and then neither of them can look at the other next church service <3

Another way to swing that specific one would be Mozart starts detailing, clocks Salieri's voice a little later, dying inside but decides y'know if Salieri tells anyone he's prob gonna die anyway sooooooo might as well make it count?? And the same thing happens. Mozart is technically married [lavender marriage], Salieri technically taken a vow of celibacy, but if it continued Past the one time in the confessional there would be a lot of secret midnight trysts.

Second: historical setting, in their correct time period; this one plays a lot more with the incorrect popular opinion of Salieri in the modern day about how he's so envious and scheming etc etc we've aLL SEEN THE BIAS AND LIES anyway. A Salieri who is confronted with those emotions and deeply disturbed by them, he has a strong religious background and it's possible I'm just saying. So! He resigns as kapellmeister and leaves to find the cure for his sinful emotions in religion. Now, nowadays priests tend to minimum need about 8-10 years [degree and then practice] to officially become a priest. I'm typing this fast as I devour a sandwich so I'm going on a LOOSE basis of that though in older times it will have been different. In the case of this AU I'm gonna say he didn't marry Therese if only bcus. He would be totally abandoning her and their children. He clocks these emotions early on after Mozart comes to court, and resigns maybe a full year after Mozart being there. It's a bit of a fight because he was well loved by Joseph, but eventually it happens. Now Mozart is still faced with the contempt of the court but he is an absolute shoe-in for the position. Time passes, Salieri is going from monk to priest, Mozart is in a good position moneywise so even with his suspected spending habits he would likely outlive historical Mozart. But he can't get over the old Kapellmeister who he met barely at all, who seemed to love his music, and then just...left. ANYWAY don't ask me why Mozart would end up in a confessional here, maybe feeling like he needs to repent for the longing for Salieri? And woooooooow they sure do recognize each other's voices.

In this one it's a LOT of repressed desire so prob no actual anything in the booth; yes Mozart gets deranged but Salieri has an even tighter hold of his emotions now. They both leave unsatisfied and wondering what life could've been <3

AND THIRD: singularity time, servants dispersed throughout in various roles for power or stealth based reasons. Salieri is a priest because they need an eye on the church, Mozart is the beloved tutor of the queen's children. They were either together beforehand or like. REALLY getting there. They can't be seen together otherwise their ruse would be broken [Salieri being very new to the country, speaking only Italian, Mozart being a well-established face that. Somehow no one saw before this month haha how weird] ANYWAY WHAT I'M SAYING is Mozart has zero patience zero control, figures out Salieri's typical confessional schedule and just starts showing up and going into extreme detail about everything he wants to do to Salieri/everything he wants Salieri to do to him <3 So much pining SO MUCH REPRESSED DESIRE and then at the final fight everyone's like "huh, are we missing anybody?" yes you are and they're off fucking in the confessional they heard the "cover's blown"call and got to getting don't worry about it.

ANYWAY I DON'T KNOW THAT YOU WANTED ANY OF THAT DZSXFCGVHB SO I'M SORRY FOR THE RAMBLE. BUT I AM SO GLAD WE ARE HANDSHAKE!!!!! I AGREE Salieri is 100% not expecting that LMAOOOOO what do you MEAN God's Specialest Little Boy has a mind dredged out of the gutters of hell WHAT DO YOU MEAN

THANK U FOR THE ASK YAHOOOOOOOOOO LOVE CHATTING POSTS AND BLORBOS

[class-1b-bull]

what would class b's voice types be (if they all were in a musical, everyone does sing here)

Not proofread we die like men

Yes everyone sings but that doesnt mean they sing well :)

Awase - he somehow manages to sound like a dieing pig, and a acream at the same time but somehow his voice can be really good in certain situations

Sen - his voice is okay but he cant hold a note to save his life

Kamakiri - he doesnt really sing as much as he screams...

Kuroiro - he tries to make the lyrics all dark and edgy but he just ends up sounding like the black crayon from the crayon song. If ykyk

Kendo - shes above average in singing skill and shes a bit more confident than most. She has more range with higher notes though.

Kodai - she has a softer voice than most and is overall a kinda shy singer but its really good.

Komori - shes always up beat and energetic when she sings. She always puts her whole heart into every note and does her best no matter what.

Shiozaki - acapella or whatever that really slow church type of singing is called lol

Shishida - he definitely has a more 'old school' singing style but he sounds a lot better than people would think. Though its hard for him to hold a note for most newer songs

Shoda - hes very quiet and shy when he sings alone and hes kinda bland but when hes singing with someone (like background vocals) he can really bring out their voice.

Pony - shes always happy and upbeat when she sings. Its a bit harder for her to sing slower songs because of that but shes definitely above average voice wise.

Tsubaraba - he has a good voice but he only sings meme songs... he will sing 'the actual cannibal shia leabouf' with his whole heart in such a serious tone (idk if thats how you spell his name but whatever lmao)

Tetsutetsu - he puts his entire soul into the song just to sound like a dieing cow... but he does have passion

Tokage - she pours so much emotion to every song she sings. Shes definitely best for those songs that are supposed to bring tears to the audiences eyes.

Manga - hes way too dramatic for his own good. During any song he sings hes throwing himself around and putting his soul in every note... its kinda funny to watch tho. His voice itself is kinda average though

Honenuki - hes calm and has a good voice but is overall, kinda akward when he sings. Hes too focused on hitting the right notes to be overly dramatic.

Bondo - he has a deeper voice and is better at being the background vocals for some of the more high pitched students. Hes overall better at being a bass than anything else (music kinda bass not the fish)

Monoma - hes the token theater kid. He sings well and he puts his entire soul into every single note.

Reiko - shes good at singing higher notes but the lower she goes the harder it is for her to hold a note (or even make a sound)

Rin - hes pretty average when it comes to singing but he can easily switch languages in the middle of a verse to make it sound a bit cooler. That also makes it to where some songs only he (pony and honenuki) can preform

My first thought was to say songs that reminds me of them singing but I only listen to about 3 different artists so....

[wolves-in-the-world]

okay the miracle job priest is still kinda shouty and not nearly charismatic enough to get away with the fire and brimstone stuff, in my opinion, and I cannot excuse someone who breaks the seal of the confessional because he's angry about something like this.

however? his odd and ineffective sermon about the owner of the land not having his hands in the soil and the worker having faith in god and in his own abilities, about the worker not waiting for a miracle but making one happen?

it ties into something quite nice in this episode, actually: we get to see the bad guy's underling look increasingly uncomfortable with what's going on until he very publically puts the final nail in his boss's coffin, and in doing so reveals to us that he's an actual character with free will and motives and a sense of justified betrayal, and not just background decor.

and that sermon, clumsy and emotionally ineffective as it is, coming after nate telling tomas in the confessional that he has to make things right… yeah I can see how that would push him to take a stand when shit goes properly sideways.

and it's nice, that the key to this win comes at the hands of a local, someone the church is for and has been all his life. it's nice that we don't see nate really abusing being mistaken for a priest in the confessional, as much as the ethics are very much up for debate.

I just wish they'd gotten a better actor for a priest who's sort of meant to be the heart of the community alongside the church we want to be saved. though it's not like it doesn't make sense for an old friend of nate's to be an already angry dude who is, admittedly, kind of at the end of his tether.

(and it's really not his fault that I'm always, always holding up fictional priests against bbc's father brown.)

[myemuisemo]

It's time to learn from Letters from Watson "What John Rance Had to Tell."

But first, Holmes explains some of his deductions. He does not explain what the long fingernails on the right hand mean.

And he comes out with what is for me, as a modern reader, a doozy:

The A [in RACHE], if you noticed, was printed somewhat after the German fashion. Now, a real German invariably prints in the Latin character, so that we may safely say that this was not written by one, but by a clumsy imitator who overdid his part. It was simply a ruse to divert inquiry into a wrong channel.

What? A German fashion of writing?

OKAY. It turns out that, prior to World War II, German was written in different scripts than other European languages, which the University of Wisconsin has documented for us because German immigrants continued to use them.

Here are a snipper of UW's examples of Kurrent and Sütterlin, as well as capital letters from Wikimedia's Fraktur.

The Fraktur A looks so much like a U that I can't believe Lestrade wouldn't have read the word as "ruche" and decided the victim was a dressmaker.

Calligrascapes gives examples of Spencerian (U.S.) and Copperplate (UK) handwriting of the late Victorian period here. Lower-case A looks almost the same as in Kurrent. I feel like our wall-scrawler must have used Sütterlin.

That our killer is familiar with a German A implies he either reads German comfortably or corresponds regularly with people of German ancestry. Since Holmes says "a real German" would use Latin letters (so he corresponds with Germans or visits Germany), killer is presumably familiar with a German-American community, which is certainly plausible if he's from Ohio (or Pennsylvania, or much of the Upper Midwest).

Whew.

Holmes' passing mention of going "to Halle's concert to see Norman Neruda" is about seeing Czech violinist Wilma Norman-Neruda perform at an occasion organized by Anglo-German pianist and conductor Sir Charles Hallé (also Norman-Neruda's future second husband).

Finally, we arrive at the home of Constable Rance. Last episode, it was given as Audley Court, Kennington Toll Gate. The latter part is a real place, the site of a toll gate that was demolished about 15 years before the time of the story. Here's an old photo shared by The Underground Map.

Today the site of the toll gate is a plaza with public art.

The "long succession of dingy streets and dreary by-ways" suggests the cab ride was to somewhere near the old toll gate site (possibly just west of St. Mark's Church, which is the tower in the background), rather than directly to the triangle of land where it sat. There's not a lot of space right there, due to Kennington Park, which has a long history as a public common and site of hangings.

I suspect any police constable trying to live in London today would sympathize with Rance's living in a "sordid dwelling." Rance also takes bribes.

Rance is, of course, astonished by Holmes' powers of deduction. But what was the "drunk" man singing? I was sure in my heart that "Columbine" was "Columbia" (an old-fangled term for the United States) and searching for that made it possible to cheat when I Heard of Sherlock's discussion of this matter came up in my search results. It's "Columbia, Gem of the Ocean." Here's an audio file.

“Had he a whip in his hand?”

Where on earth did a whip come from? We've no such wounds on the victim, and the killer came with him in a cab.

I might not have gone but for you, and so have missed the finest study I ever came across: a study in scarlet, eh? Why shouldn’t we use a little art jargon. There’s the scarlet thread of murder running through the colourless skein of life, and our duty is to unravel it, and isolate it, and expose every inch of it.

And... title drop! If this is the fates weaving the tapestry of life, surely it says something about Holmes that all the other threads are colorless besides murder.

[catholic-character-tournament]

CONTESTANTS

I will make the bracket soon but if anyone has any reason why X character shouldn't be in the tournament, let me know. (Please no Kristen Applebee discourse, the pro-Kristen is catholic got to me)

Philip Wittebane has been disqualified

The main I'm ??? Idk if they should be allowed is Philip Wittebane/Emperor Belos

Propaganda was:

Okay okay so like he's technically Puritan-coded but like the Catholic background is still applicable imo. This man truly acts like he's a "savior" and really goes full martyr mode where instead of being like "yeah no my actions were reprehensible" he's like "I AM BEING PERSECUTED FOR DOING WHATS RIGHT BY RIDDING THE WORLD OF THESE WICKED VILE WITCHES". He also follows some Catholic symbolism pretty heavily in the last episode: he's posed similarly to Jesus being crucified, in a monster form he strikes a pose reminiscent of the Adam and God painting from the Sistine Chapel, and he even calls the Boiling Isles(a place full of witches and demons separate from the human realm) a "Perdition", which is "a state of eternal punishment and damnation into which a sinful and unpenitent person passes after death." in Catholic theology. So YES he's Puritan coded but I feel there's enough overlap to consider him for Catholic. Hear me out I know I said Philip was probably Puritan so like. Imagine how funny it'd be to be lumped in the Catholic pool. He would be FURIOUS at being called Catholic he would HATE it. It'd be hilarious. Please consider it.

&

His whole villain modus operandi is crowning himself Emperor in what could reasonably be interpreted in-universe as Hell (it's not, but it sure does fit a lot of the stereotypical requirements of Hell in roundabout ways, specifically Dante's Inferno kind of stuff) by claiming that he's a prophet/follower/proclaimer etc. of "the Titan's Will" which is basically just a reskin of God's Will aka the typical uber-controlling religious fear mentality the Catholic church was and still kind of is known for. He claims that "wild" or unrestricted magic is displeasing the Titan (the main, uh, god-figure? sorta? of the show) leading everyone to destruction (sin) and that the only way to "please the Titan" is to submit to "magical purification" aka have one's magic be sealed off to only allow one type of magic to be used at a time. Those that don't adhere to this "purification" are evil Wild Witches that must be eradicated. The whole ideology is just Catholic repentance and crusading with a different coat of paint. Not only that but he literally built himself a castle with Catholic aesthetics, specifically church/cathedral ones—it has tons of stained glass windows and painting depicting his "virtues" and accomplishments in clearly religious ways, similar to how Catholic churches use their stained glass windows. He also cloaks a lot of his actions as being a part of "the Titan's Will" and is the main interpreter of said Will, which is pretty much like being the Pope. The kicker of it all is that he's just using all of this as a ruse to eradicate all of witch/demonkind because he's a witch hunter with a grudge nearly 400 years old and still going strong—the ends justify the means and all that.

This bitch is a radical Puritan Protestant witch hunter (the Puritan part being subtext due to where he specifically originated from, the witch hunter part EXPLICITLY CANON) and he just goes full ham on the Catholic Pope aesthetic when he becomes Emperor—lots of gold, grand regalia/clothing, religious iron fist, the whole bit. Over witches and demons, the very thing he's trying to wipe from existence to "save humanity." He basically becomes the fucking Demon Realm Anti-Christ Pope or something. Something something you became the very thing you swore you would destroy something something. The finale of the show ends off with him BECOMING A DRAGON (Revelations allegory) because he got turned into parasitic green goop. The irony here is so massively ridiculous it's insane. Not only that but HE'D HATE BEING NOMINATED AS A CATHOLIC. CAN YOU IMAGINE? PURITAN WITCH HUNTER BECOMING TUMBLR'S CANONIZED PATRON SAINT? HE'D BE SO FREAKING PISSED ABOUT IT (deserved)

List below cut

Matt Murdock/Daredevil (Daredevil)

kurt wagner/nightcrawler (x-men)

Nicholas D. Wolfwood (Trigun)

Homura Akemi (Madoka Magica)

Vector the Crocodile (Sonic the Hedgehog)

Kirei Kotomine (Fate franchise)

Ronan Lynch (The Raven Cycle)

Temenos Mistral (Octopath Traveler 2)

John Ward (FAITH)

Claude Frollo(The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Eddie Brock (Venom)

Enrico Pucci (Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure)

Amon from (Tokyo Ghoul)

Galahad (The Mechanisms)

Harrowhark Nonagesimus (The Locked Tomb)

Johnathan (Shin Megami Tensei IV)

Seeley Booth (Bones)

Doomguy  (Doom)

Pope Pinion IV (Cars)

707/Luciel Choi (Mystic Messenger)

Aymeric de Borel (Final Fantasy 14)

Dana Scully (the X files)

Father Alexander Anderson (Hellsing)

Ky Kiske (Guilty Gear)

Akane Kurashiki (Zero Escape)

Hell boy (HellBoy)

Kristen Applebees (Dimension 20's Fantasy High)

Louis de Pointe du Lac (Interview with the Vampire/The Vampire Chronicles)

Pastry Cookie (Cookie Run Kingdom)

Sister Michael (Derry Girls)

Wesley Hailoh (Rhyme and Reason)

Abuela Alma Madrigal (Encanto)

The Derry Girls (Derry Girls)

Aslan from (Chronicles of Narnia)

Father Paul (Midnight Mass)

Helena Bertinlli (DC comics)

Jean Valjean (Les Misérables)

Mac McDonald (It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia)

Mark Heathcliff (The Mandela Catalogue)

Saint Citrina Rocks (Dimension 20's A Crown of Candy)

Tatsumi Kazehaya (Ensemble Stars)

Belizabeth Brassica (Dimension 20's A Crown of Candy)

Caesar Zeppeli (Jojo's Bizarre Adventure)

Chrollo Lucilfer (Hunter x Hunter)

Father Brown (Father Brown)

Gabriel (Ultrakill)

Hot Pants (Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure)

Javert (Les Miserables)

Jeanne d'Arc (Alter) - Fate/Grand Order

Justin Law (Soul eater)

Lady Rhea (Fire Emblem)

Luis Serra Navarro (Resident Evil)

Mello (Death Note)

Ryker | Show: Roleslaying With Roman

Nate Ford (Leverage)

Nico D'Angelo (Percy Jackson)

Patton Sanders (Sanders Sides (Web Series))

Pucci (Jojos Bizarre Adventure)

Puss in Boots

Quasimodo (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

SCP-166 (Just a Teenage Gaia) 

Shadow the Hedgehog (sonic)

Sir Keradin Deeproot (Dimension 20's A Crown of Candy)

The Penitent One (Blasphemous)

Tobias Schneien (Ghost Eyes)

Vito Corleone (The Godfather)

Angel (Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel the Series)

Asia Argento (High School DxD)

chuck e. cheese

Bishop Raphaniel Charlock from Dimension 20 - the Ravening War

Blake Langermann - Outlast 2

Brother Cellanus from The Completely Unerotic Adventures of Brother Cellanus

carlos reyes from 911 lone star

Carrie White (Carrie)

Catherine of Aragon (SIX the Musical)

CC from Code Geass

Detective William Murdoch (Murdoch Mysteries)

Double (Skullgirls)

Doug Jones from The VelociPastor

Dracule Mihawk (One Piece)

Duo Maxwell from Gundam Wing

Father John Mulcahy- MASH

Felicia Hardy (Black Cat) | Spiderman

Firestar warrior cats

Flayn from Fire Emblem Three Houses

Frank Castle

Gerard from Unholyverse

Gloria Maria Ramirez Delgado-Pritchett (Modern Family)

Ibara Shiozaki from My Hero Academia

Inori Yamabuki/Cure Pine and Fresh Precure

Jason Todd in DC Comics

John "Soap" MacTavish (Call of Duty)

John Gaius (The Locked Tomb)

Junk rat from Overwatch

Knuckles the hedgehog from Sonic.

Kuroe (Magia Record)

Kyoko Sakura from Puella Magi Madoka Magica

Leliana (Dragon Age)

Lestat de Lioncourt - the Vampire Chronicles (Books/Movies/TV)

Libra (from Fire Emblem: Awakening)

Link - The Legend of Zelda

Maddie Fitzpatrick (Suite Life of Zack and Cody)

Marcy Park (The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee)

Mercedes - Fire Emblem: Three Houses

Michael Carpenter (Dresden Files)

Michael Corleone, the Godfather

Ocean O'Connell Rosenberg from Ride the Cyclone

Philip Wittebane/Emperor Belos - The Owl House (disqualified)

Pontifex Belizabeth Brassica from Dimension 20's A Crown of Candy

Rin Okumura from Blue Exorcist

Robocop

Sasuke from Naruto

Shiozaki Ibara bnha

Shiro Fujimoto from Blue Exorcist

simon belmont castlevania

Steve Rogers

Tammy Edwards from the play Legoland by Jacob Richmond 

Valeria Garaz (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 reboot)

Valery Michailov (Goncharov - 1973)

Zakuro Fujiwara from Tokyo Mew Mew

Kawabuchi Sentarou (Kids on the Slope)

Kaworu Nagisa (Neon Genesis Evangelion)

Emilio Santoz from The Sparrow

Remy LeBeau (Gambit) from Marvel Comics X-Men

jesus but from jesus christ superstar. i think this should count 

Leon from 8:11

Sister Mary from The Young Pope

Replacement:

Miles Morales (Marvel Comics)

Friar Tuck (Robin Hood)

[boygiwrites]

Harley D. Dixon 14

An amazing edit inspired by this story! (Cred to Cora_Line99) Harley D. Dixon's Pinterest Board! Harley D. Dixon's Playlist!

📖Chapter List.

Author's Note. Another quick update! I'm on a roll! Please enjoy reading :)

"Blessed be God, Father of our Lord Jesus Christ in heaven."

Under the shade of an old oak tree on the outskirts of the Greene farm, I stand at Shane's side as Herschel fills an empty grave with prayers. I've never been to a stranger's funeral before. I don't belong here — none of our group does — but according to Rick, this is how we show respect to the mourning family, and respect is how we get to stay here on the farm longer than just a week. I'm not too sure what's so respectful about watching in silence while Patricia lowers her dead husband's belongings into the ground, but this is what we have to do.

"Praise be to Him for the gift of our brother, Otis — For the span of his years; for his abundance of character."

I glance up at Rick, who's standing on the other side of the semi-circle we've formed. He stares at Shane. I didn't know so much about Otis' character, but he must've had a whole bunch of it, 'cause Patricia cries twice as loudly now, as Maggie helps her out the grave. All I know is he shot my Dad. In another life, this would've been Rick's fate for killing my Uncle. In another-another life, my Uncle isn't dead at all.

"Otis, who gave his life for the chance to save another."

That's how the story goes. Shane and Otis, cornered but resilient, down to ten rounds — one killed in a tragic act of sacrifice.

"We thank you, God, for the rest you now grant him. He died as he lived — In grace. May the arms of eternity embrace him."

I wonder if Otis is going to Hell or heaven. I wonder if God's holdin' him in some sort of waiting room right now, watching on as my Dad fights for his life; waiting to see if Otis is a murderer. In my eyes, he already is. If God's as smart as they say he is, he'll send Otis to Hell.

Herschel gently closes the Bible.

Me and my Dad went to church, a long time ago. They used to give out free food and diapers every Sunday before mass to encourage people who couldn't afford those types of things to come in and pray, but we never did any of the praying. We just took the cheap groceries, feeling only partially ashamed as upper middle-class Christians sung hymns in the background. The worst was when they said they'd pray for us.

God be with you, the man would tell my Dad.

Thanks, Dad would answer, head lowered, and then pull me back out to the parking lot.

When I asked him if God was real, all he said was that if he is, then he must be deaf. I could never imagine him praying.

"Shane," Herschel says.

The man besides me startles slightly.

"Will you speak for Otis?"

Speak for a dead man?

He stiffens as everybody turns their gazes on him.

"I... I'm not good at this." He says quietly, clearing his throat; shaking his head. I think if he could run away, he would. "I'm sorry."

"You were the last one with him." Patricia insists. "You shared his final moments."

He stares at her, mouth open but no words coming out. It reminds me of that far-away look he had last night when he returned alone. This is not the Shane I know. Who am I kidding, my Dad once said to Shane, You always got somethin' you wanna say. Not right now, he don't.

"Please." Patricia says, stepping forward.

The uncomfortable silence persists.

"I need to hear." She begs. "I need to know his death had meaning."

Rick's still staring at him, more intensely than the rest. You better say something, the look says, You better not mess this up.

Shane licks his lips, and glancing down at me is the thing that finally pushes him to speak.

"Okay." He concedes, nodding to himself. A weak breeze sails through the leaves above us as he speaks, and there's something about the way his eyes shift from person to person and the way his clasped hands twitch that give me the sense he's making it up as he goes. "We were about to reach the main building," He tells us. "We were down to pistols by then. I was limping. The dead; closin' in. It was... Things weren't looking good. 'The supplies are in there.' You see, that's what he said. To me. 'You have to get them. You have to save that poor girl's Dad.' He gave me his backpack. He gave me his rifle. 'Run. I'll cover you,' He said. I had no choice. I ran. When I looked back..."

I did it, is all I can remember him saying last night, I did it, I did it.

Did what?

"He died thinking of Daryl." He sticks his chin up. "He died giving him a chance."

He died for nothing, is what he really means to say.

Maggie looks down at her boots, holding Patricia's shaking hand.

"I might not've been able to... find the supplies," He gulps, taking a deep breath, "But I made it out alive. And I owe that all to Otis."

A sob breaks out amongst us.

"If any death ever had meaning, it was his."

"Amen."

"Amen."

"Amen," We all say.

I don't remember much about the people at our church, but I do remember them saying, to lie is to rot oneself from the inside out with sin.

When I glance up at Shane, I find him already looking right back at me.

The funeral ends.

On our way back up the hill, we hear car engines approaching.

"I'm guessing this is the right Green farm, then?" Dale says through his open window, bringing the RV to a crawl alongside us. Behind him, the remainder of our group rounds him and continues driving up the road. Maggie opens the gate for them. "Beautiful out this way, huh?"

"Hey, Dale." I smile lightly. "Ya made it."

"Hop in. I'll give you a ride up."

He brakes long enough to let me climb in, and as I sit next to him in the passenger seat, he starts it back up again.

"What are you all doing so far from the house?"

I don't bother buckling my seatbelt. It's only a short drive.

"We had a funeral." I tell him, "For this man named Otis. He died last night."

"What happened?" He frowns. "Is your Dad alright?"

"Yeah, he— He's inside right now. Glenn's giving him blood. He ain't really supposed to be doin' it, though. He's gonna get sick, but he says he don't care. There's nobody else who can do it. Actually, what type of blood do you have?" When he regretfully says he doesn't know, I continue. "Well, Shane, and that man, Otis, they were meant to come back with some more last night, but somethin' went wrong. Only Shane made it back."

Maggie waves us through and closes the gate behind us.

"I heard Rick wants to go back." I say. "To the college. Today. He thinks he'll find what my Dad needs."

Dale nods. "That woman said he got shot."

"Yeah. In the stomach." I exhale thinly, fiddling with my fingernails. "It's... S'real bad."

"It wasn't Shane?"

"Huh?"

"It wasn't Shane who shot him?"

I think it's telling that that's Dale's first assumption. Hell, I think it was everyone's, but now I don't know what to think.

"Apparently not." I shake my head. "Apparently it was Otis. A huntin' accident, Rick says."

"Hunting accident?"

"He wasn't there when it happened. He an' Glenn just came across the farm while lookin' and knocked on the door. Shane's said nothin'."

Dale glances at me. "That's unlike him."

I don't know what else to say to that besides, yeah, 'cause I got no idea how Shane's mind works. I know he's smart. I know he's good with words. He's everything Rick is, but amplified, and he's good at makin' people not realize it — 'cause he's also good at hiding things.

Dale brings the RV to a stop under a tall tree near the house.

"Just be careful, Harley." He looks me in the eye when he says this. "Be careful with Shane. You're a smart girl. I think you can figure out why."

No. No, I'm done figuring things out.

Shane is my friend, and Shane cares for me, and I need him right now. That's all that matters.

If that's not a smart thing to say, then I guess I must be dumb, but at least I'm not hurt. I never wanna be hurt again.

"Whatever," I mumble, rising from my seat.

I know I'll feel bad about it later, but I slam the door when I leave.

"Are you sure about this?"

As soon as we make it back to the house, Rick tells everyone he's going back to the college. Andrea offers to go with him to watch his back, and Herschel reluctantly writes up another list of medical supplies and pills for them to look for. He hands it to Rick, who quickly reads it over.

"I'm sure." He replies, folding the list into his pocket. "I couldn't be surer. It's a shot in the dark, but we gotta do it."

"The surgical labs?" Andrea asks. "That's where we'll find what we need?"

"Yes," Herschel sighs, looking unconfident. "If not there, then the storage rooms. It sounds like it's all overrun, though, Rick."

He shakes his head. "We've dealt with worse."

Carol leaves the room, a hand over her mouth. She wants Rick to keep searching for Sophia, but this is taking priority right now.

"Didn't Shane say there was nothin' left?" T-Dog butts in, confused. "I mean, he came back with nothin'."

"No." Rick says. "We don't know why that happened. If I had to guess, I'd say he had to retreat after Otis... After Otis passed."

"Man, he couldn't just double back?"

He scoffs, picking up the bags. "I don't know. I don't know what happened. All we can do is try again."

"Remember, I can only use O negative blood." Herschel raises his brows. "Nothing else."

"O negative. Got it."

"Be careful."

"We always are."

I watch the bullet roll around.

Herschel put it in a little plastic container after the surgery last night. So, this is what almost killed him, then. When I was littler, I used to think my Dad was invincible. I thought nothing could ever bring my big, strong Dad down, but it turns out it can, and it don't even gotta be bigger than my pinkie finger to do it, either. This tiny little bud of golden metal put my Dad on his death bed.

I'm watching the sun bounce off its curves when I hear footsteps approaching in the grass.

When I look up, I see Shane, alone, pointing to the picnic bench I'm sitting at.

"This seat taken by any chance?"

Be careful with Shane, Dale told me.

"No," I tell him, setting the bullet down. "You can sit 'ere."

He takes a seat beside me and asks, "What're you doin' fiddling with that thing?"

"I don't know." I smile, feeling a little silly. "I's just lookin' at it."

"Well, how 'bout this? I got somethin' better for you to do."

He lifts up the small bag he brought with him onto the table.

"What that?"

"You didn't think I forgot about our deal, right?" He grins, scattering the contents in front of us. A sketch pad with a unicorn on the cover falls out first, and then a bunch of rainbow markers, pencils, and even some craft glue and sparkly sequins. "Borrowed it all from that girl, Beth."

I laugh, probably for the first time in days. "Woah, Shane!"

"Better than that scummy old bullet, huh?" He nudges me, opening the book to a blank page. "Not sure I'm any good, but I'll try my best."

"What do you wanna draw?"

"Anything you want."

"Let's..." My first thought is a card for my Dad, but that's stupid. Shane don't wanna make that. "Um..."

"Can't make up yer mind?"

"No, it's just— I wanna make somethin' for my Dad."

Surprisingly, he doesn't react the way I expected.

"'Course ya do, sweetheart. Come on, then. I'll help you."

"Really?"

"Anything you want. That's what I said, right?"

"Okay, then." I giggle, copying him as he grabs a marker and uncaps it. "His favorite color's black, but that's ugly. Let's do flowers."

"Yes, ma'am."

"A field of flowers." I enthuse. "And a walker in the middle, but dead, 'cause Dad killed it."

"He's real good at that, huh?"

"Yep."

"Alright, then. You're gonna have to walk me through it, though, 'cause I don't know what I'm doin' here."

Laughing, I get started in pointing out all the places I think flowers would look best on the page, picking out which colors to use, like green for the grass and yellow for the sun. Shane goes along with all of it, just happy to be spending time with me. I really don't get what Dale's talkin' about. I even teach him how to draw a flower. My Dad's never colored with me, before. We never did things like that. He'd rather take me on a hike, or skip stones with me at the local playground pond. When I drew him pictures, he'd put 'em on the fridge and tell me they're nice, but that's about it.

I think it's awful nice of Shane to be making this card for my Dad. I guess he's decided to put their differences aside for a minute.

"Thanks for not tellin' me no." I say, filling in a petal. "I thought you were gonna."

"'No' to makin' your Dad a card?"

"Yeah."

"Why's that?"

Shane always does this. He asks questions he already knows the answer to, 'cause he wants to see what you say.

"I'on know," I shrug, shy; a little embarrassed. "I don't think you like him very much."

"No?"

"No. You punched him."

He hums.

I continue. "And you think he's mean."

"Yeah? Why's he mean?"

"He, like, yells sometimes." I mutter, focusing on coloring. "He gets angry."

He just hums again.

"And you don't like him 'cause he hits me, and you think he shouldn't do that. You think he's a bad Dad."

He corrects me. "I don't think he knows how to be a Dad at all, Harley."

"What about you? D'you know?"

There ain't nobody that teaches you this shit, Harley, my Dad once told me, You think you came outta the womb with a manual attached?

"Well, I've never had a kid, before, Harley." He tells me. "That was always Rick's thing. We used to go to school together, you know that? Kindergarten, all the way up to police academy. When Carl was born, I used to think about havin' my own, but it just never happened."

"Why not?"

"Kids are a lot of responsibility. I wasn't ready for that."

"What about now?"

"Am I ready for a kid?"

"Yeah."

He glances at me, then back to the paper, but doesn't answer.

I look up at him. "What is it?"

He nods at the packet of sequins.

"You wanna have a go stickin' them on?"

I pause. Yeah, I guess I can have a go.

"Dad don't like glitter, though."

"It's a gift from his daughter." Shane scoffs. "He can deal with it."

"You like glitter?"

"Can't say I'm a huge fan, but if you gave me a glittered-up card, it'd be my favorite thing I owned. I can promise you that."

That makes me smile. "I can make you one, if you want."

"Nah, that's okay, sweetheart. This is all 'bout your Dad, right now."

I smear a whole lotta glue on the corners of the page, sprinkling the little plastic pieces onto it after.

"Rick's gone back to the college." I muse. "And Andrea. They're gonna find blood and medicine for my Dad."

Shane shifts uncomfortably on the bench. That's what he was supposed to do. He failed. Now, other people have to make up for what he did, and if they come back with even one thing from the list, that's gonna look real bad for him. Not only did he get someone killed, but he did it for nothin'.

"Rick's tough. Andrea, she's a good enough shot." He clears his throat. "They'll make it back in one piece."

"I just hope they don't get caught in that herd like you and Otis."

Apparently, they got swarmed. Easy to believe, given the hundreds of walkers been followin' us down this way.

"They won't be. They're smart."

I joke, "You sayin' you were dumb?"

"Hey," He smirks. "Watch yourself."

"I'm just sayin'. How come you let yourself get surrounded?"

"Happens fast, Harley. You know that."

Sure happened fast on the highway.

"Must'a been awful." I frown. "All them walkers... Otis."

"Had to happen." Shane shrugs.

"I know. But he still died, Shane. Don't matter what for."

"You don't think it matters to his family?"

"Well, yeah, but not to us. Dead is dead, and dead's awful. You don't gotta pretend."

He shakes his head, like I just don't get it.

"No. No, if I could go back in time, Harley, I wouldn't change a thing."

I glance at him, then. His jaw is set tight as he scribbles a red blotch onto the page, staring into its chaotic epicentre. If he said that to any of the Greenes, oh, they would'a slapped him. You're supposed to be sad when someone dies. Shane looked a little down at the funeral, but now he just looks angry. I wanna warn him he's gonna tear a hole in the page if he presses down any harder, but the words get stuck in my throat.

"I don't think you should tell anyone else that." I murmur, awkward. "Especially not Patricia."

He don't stop 'till the pencil nib snaps.

"Damn it." He mumbles, tossing it.

I did it, was all he kept sayin', I did it.

"What'd you mean, last night, anyway?"

"Huh? What did what mean?"

"I did it." I quote. "You just kept chantin' it, over and over. What's it mean? What'd you do?"

He turns his glare onto me.

"You sure I said that?"

I think back to that moment. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure.

I nod.

"I don't remember." He disagrees. "I was all outta sorts that night. Still am, to be honest."

"But you said it. I heard you."

"Well, I'd just escaped Hell on Earth, Harley. I barely made it out alive. I drove back here like a crazy man; just watched a man get eaten alive. 'Course I'm gonna be shocked I made it; shocked I did it. That's all I meant. Ain't nothin' to stress over."

I sigh. "Are you sure?"

"I ever lied to you?"

"I don't think so."

"Well, there you go."

It's only now I notice Dale on the roof of the RV. He's supposed to be on watch, but the only thing he's watchin' is us. I choose to ignore him in favor of finishing the get well soon card, hating the stiff silence that follows.

My eyes eventually wonder over to the container, and the stubby bullet inside.

I begin to frown.

Wait a minute.

Hunting accident, was what Rick told everyone.

"Shane, what type of bullet is that?" I ask, even though I already know.

Beside me, he stops coloring so abruptly that it's like I just electrocuted him.

Now I'm really lookin' at it, I can't believe it took me this long to notice.

"Harley," He says when he sees what I'm staring at. "Harley, I can explain."

I don't wanna hear it.

I know what type of bullet that is.

"Harley, wait."

It didn't come from no damn hunting rifle.

That's a pistol bullet.

I slam the door shut.

"Woah, hey. What's going on?" Glenn asks, slumped in a chair beside Dad's bed. "What's wrong?"

"Get out." I whimper, shaking my head. I go straight for the window; yank the curtains shut so hard they screech. "Get out, Glenn."

"Why? What's—?"

"Just fucking get out!"

He jumps up at that, and I only see a glimpse of him scurrying out the door before I dive onto the bed, crying and hiccupping and groaning angrily as I lift the covers. I curl up underneath them, into my Dad's side. It wasn't a rifle bullet. It was a pistol bullet. It wasn't Otis. It was Shane. My friend, have-I-ever-lied-to-you Shane. He shot my Dad and then he lied to my face about it, all while making a card that wouldn't even exist if it weren't for him in the first place. I hugged him. He hugged me back. I cried on him. I don't want my Daddy to die, I wailed, but it was him that did it.

The door opens just minutes later. I hear his combat boots thumping as he runs around the side of the bed.

"Get away from me." I try hitting him through the blankets, but he just pulls them off and grabs me. "Fuck off! I knew it was you!"

"Harley." He shakes his head. "Harley, ssh, ssh, ssh."

"You lied to me—"

"No, no, no, ssh, ssh, ssh."

"Don't tell me to shush!" I snarl, batting at him. "You— You— You shot my—!"

"No." He shakes me. "No, I didn't. Harley, I didn't."

"Yes, you did!"

"No." He growls, glancing at the door, then back to me. "Listen to me very carefully, Harley Dixon. I did not shoot your Dad."

"No? Then who's damn bullet was that?!"

"Keep your voice down."

"Who's was it?"

"Jim's, Harley. Jim's." His eyes are wide; some type of crazy in 'em as he really drills this into me, almost whispering, but also shouting at the same time. "Remember that day you came back, told everyone what happened? You gave me exact directions on how to get to that guy's camp, remember? Follow the creek, left at the big rock, go through the trees 'till you hit an old fence post. See? You told me that. I remembered. Your Dad wanted to go kill him. First time I ever saw eye to eye with that man, and I gave him the location, and we left together, Harley. Together."

I keep shaking my head, but Shane's lip curls.

"Yes. Yes. Listen to me. We left together and we found his camp. Green tent, right? Music playing?"

H-H-How's he know that?

"Wh—?"

"He wasn't there, but his tracks were. Your Dad followed 'em. We found him in a house, damn near starved to death. He was beggin' us to spare him some of ours 'till he clocked our faces. He was mad. Real mad. Hell, I would be, too, if I got tied up and left for dead. He did it. Jim shot your Dad."

"You're lying." I pull a face of disgust. "You're lying, I know it."

"Yeah? Yeah, how you know?"

"'Cause Dale says I gotta be careful around you. And Rick pretty much don't even believe you, neither! He's basically your brother!"

"To Hell with Dale." He shrugs, shaking his head and grinning, like this is no big deal. "And Rick — Rick's an idiot. You know that."

"When we heard the shot, he said it was you! He said that, in front of everyone!"

"Well, he was wrong. It was Jim."

"Then why'd you go and tell everyone it was Otis, huh?"

"Well, I— It's—"

"Just get outta my face, Shane." I shudder, pulling the covers back over my head, hiding away. "I don't wanna be your friend, anymore. Get out."

I don't care if it was Jim, or Shane, or the damn Easter bunny who shot him, at this point — I just wanna be alone. I don't know what to believe. Like I said, Shane's smart, so he don't push his luck. He leaves almost right away, closing me away in my own den of grief with a soft click of the door. I hear him talking to everyone out there, probably explaining everything away like he can so easily do. I'm emotional, he'll say, Just leave it.

When I pop my head back up, I spot the card sitting on the side table.

Get well soon, it says.

In a fit of rage, I snatch it up and I rip it to pieces.

It falls to the floor like confetti.

Rick and Andrea come back while I'm eating dinner on the porch.

It's soup that Maggie made for me — Potato and leek. Someone must've told her my favorite kind — 'cause it turns out I was right. Shane did tell everyone I was upset. Apparently, the funeral was just too much for me, on top of everything else. I'm too sad to be angry about that, 'cause it just proves that he really is a liar, after all. I set the bowl down as they pull up to the house, and Maggie and her Dad come out the front door as soon as they hear the car engine, cautiously excited for the news we're about to get. Maggie helps me out of the chair, rubbing my shoulders.

The car door shuts. We not only see Rick and Andrea, alive and well, but also two big, full bags on their shoulders.

"We got everything." He calls out to us, smiling. "Every last thing."

My jaw drops.

"Praise God." Herschel mutters.

Maggie grins down at me. "You hear that, Harley?"

"Y—" I smile wide. "Yeah."

She leaves my side to help Andrea bring the bags up the stairs.

"The penicillin?" Herschel shakes his head. "The gauze, the syringes, the disinfectant?"

"All of it." Says Rick. "Even threw in some reception desk candy, too, just 'cause we could."

"That's incredible. How?"

"Place was deserted." Andrea tells us. "We only had to take out five or six before we were the only ones around. Surgical labs, just like you said."

"Praise God," He says again. "I'll start re-dressing the wound right now."

"Here you go."

Rick passes him the bag, and everyone else goes back inside as he leans against the railing. Behind him, the sun cinematically sinks in the sky.

I sit back down.

I can't believe they did it.

"Thank you, Rick."

He looks a little sad when I say this, but happy, at the same time.

"You're welcome, Harley. You're very welcome."

For the first time ever, I'm alone with Rick and all I feel is peace.

Author's Note.

Daryl still hasn't woken up. I'm sorryyyyy 🙏He will, very soon. I promise! I'll try to make it everything you're hoping for and more :) Things are gonna be different between Harley and Daryl from now on.

(AKA not depressing.)

Shane's still manipulative as ever. Boo to him.

I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. Sending lots of love! :)