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Okay so there’s this ww artist on ig called like tooth lilys or something and he’s always causing drama in the ww fandom and he mouthed off about your art and now heaps of insta ww fans are like talking about you :| free publicity?
ahhhh so thats whats happening .. lmao thats crazy
i checked out their story, and i sure doooo love how they leave some things out when talking about both situations that they mentioned to make me look worse ..
ok so
warning, yap session incoming
the "will wood in a (miku) binder" thing happened back in fall 2023 when i was still semi new to the fandom and didnt know a lot of things. so tho i to this day i dont think it was that big of a deal, i wouldnt do it today
it was an artwork made for shits and giggles, the context of which i have explained here before. i never meant to imply that will wood is trans and i certainly dont "headcanon" him as that. my curse is that even when joking around i tend to try and make my art look good, so i get why people thought it was unironic. and i know that it sounds like a lame ass excuse, but it legit didnt cross my mind that people would think i drew will wood as a trans guy or smth. legit my only thought process was "funny haha internet thing" + "my favorite thing" = "good idea"
now the usage of his real name is something i am genuinely sorry for, but it was an accident and a genuine mistake on my part. i remember seeing someone mention it casually in some comment section, and assuming that it was ok, since i didnt know he was in any way against it. (i also thought that it was the same name that he used in "the real will wood" in that one section cus it sounded a bit similar).
when i was informed about the fact that he doesnt want it spread around i deleted the post right away and apologized, so bringing it up like something i did on purpose and out of malicious intent is a tad bit .. misfitting, if you can use that word
now the hot topic of the day: my waywood art
i have said this before and i will say this again, how i feel about rpf is solely based off how the people involved feel about it
to clarify: i never drew anything inappropriate or even suggestive with them, the "worst" thing is 2 simple sketches of them smoochin. or. this.
idk if this is what they were referring to when talking about me drawing will wood and gerard way "making out" (specifically. because i think "making out" implies to be more sexual stuff than small kisses). and if so, then it once again feels like blowing things out of proportion
and now the point i want you to get: will wood wouldnt give a flying fuck
like i said earlier, i never drew anything inappropriate, because that would actually cross will's existent and real boundaries. you know, the ones that he stated
im not making some conspiracy theories about him being gay, like some people seem to imply in their inbox messages to me
im not sending a whole ass smut fanfiction to litwtc gmail or something, i dont bother him in instagram dms asking if he wants to fuck gerard way, im not shipping him with people who he actually knows personally and has to look in the eyes of from time to time
im not doing anything that he would actually care about
him and chris have joked about him being attracted to gerard before, and though im not saying that you can joke about everything theyve ever joked about, i feel like in our case its clear that will clearly doesnt care about the implications ? (i generally believe that ww fans would get their panties twisted about less things if more of them listened to what these 2 talk about so calmly on litwtc but i digress)
if he saw that some random teenager on tumblr is drawing him and gerard way (gasp of horror) holding hands, he'd laugh at it max and then move on with his day
people are treating the whole situation like i posted pictures of him from when he was a kid or leaked patreon content or drew him fully naked or anything else that, you know, would actually affect him in one way or another
what im doing is innocent fun which isnt even likely to reach either of them. will wood very rarely checks tumblr and, once again, i genuinely dont believe he would care. and gerard way aint got no internet + he doesnt care x 2
it is weird but rn this is what brings me the most joy, even if its silly to say. both will wood and gerard way mean a lot to me and putting them in situations together makes me happy. i am but a child full of fun whimsy
i wont be posting any more explicitly romantic art to avoid more drama, and i also wont be responding to all the anon messages i received because there are like .. too many of them. an overwhelming amount i'd say. sorry about that
i really didnt mean to cause such a fuss, and i understand why some people might be uncomfortable with what i do
i fully understand why you would dislike my waywood hyperfixation shenanigans, and i dont have a problem w you over that, but treating me like pure evil because of a thing so insignificant is just.. overdoing it
once again, i will be toning it down, but it really isnt the end of the world if i dare to draw will wood and gerard way being a tad bit gay (which is, i apparently need to mention, not me actually saying that will wood the alternative musician is a homosexual gay who is in a genuine for real actual real gay homosexual relationship with gerard fucking way the lead singer of my chemical romance. i think speculating on other people's sexuality and gender identity is boooo tomato tomato tomato)
sorry for the rant and sorry to all who were disappointed by my lack of remorse. come back in a couple years when i turn 18 and stop having fun and artistic freedom
thank you for your attention and i hope i at least cleared some things up to those who werent w me throughout every event where i get involved in fandom drama
bye bye
#asmo goes blahblahblah#my chemical overreaction#idk should i tag this with the will wood tag#on one hand i probably should so more people understand my perspective but i also dont want this to be a better drama than it already is#bleh whatever#fun fact the will wood in a miku binder situation caused me to be anxious about every artwork i post#cus im afraid i didnt consider that people would see the obvious implications that arent actually there#im gonna close my inbox cus#once again#stressful#but yeah. i guess thats it
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sink to black from blue (a marlie drabble)
(for those sadly uninformed, marlie is micah foster/charlie torres-moore aka trevor & josh’s greaser characters who've basically become our ocs <3) (just scroll the #marlie tag on my blog lmao
inspired by this post! canon universe, post-rumble! shout out to @elisadoreyou & @wassupmygays creating these guys with u have been so fun omg
Micah winced at the alcohol sting. The cut on his temple was nasty, probably could use a stitch or two. The thought was almost funny ‘cause he sure as hell didn’t have enough money to afford stitches. It’d leave a tough scar. Good.
“I said I’m fine, okay? This ain’t my first rumble,”
Charlie’s face was pinched tight, lips pressed in a thin line. He was kneeled in front of the toilet, where Micah was leaned over himself. One hand on Micah’s knee with his thumb rubbing back and forth.
He hissed at the next sting. It did nothing for his bitch of a headache.
The rumble did a number on him, he’ll admit it. He could hold his own fine — more than fine. And he did— but those football Socs could throw a hard punch. It made something rough boil in the pit of his stomach.
“Don’t care. You shouldn’t go out getting all hurt like this.”
It felt like a stab to his pride. He’s been doing this for seventeen years— yearly eighteen. He can handle himself. He don’t need taking care for.
“I fight, Charlie, that’s what I’ve always fucking done. I don’t need a babysitter,” He bit it out in quick barks. Everything felt red and hot.
“That’s not—”
“I’ve done this a million times alone—” He tried to swat the bottle out of Charlie‘s hand, but Charlie pulled away quick. It just made him madder. “And I don’t need someone to fucking lick my wounds for me.”
“That‘s not what I’m trying to do!” Charlie snapped back. Blood rushed in Micah’s ears. He could feel the anger on face through heat and the strain on his scraps. It burned
“It fucking feels like it,”
“I’m trying to help, okay?”
Micah couldn’t even process the sweep of desperation in Charlie’s tone before the dam burst.
“I don’t need help, damn it!” He was too loud, he was gonna wake the kids up. Fuck. “I’ve been out in Tulsa my whole damn life, and y'know who looked out for me? No one. I sure as hell don’t need someone to act like I’m some baby! You weren’t out there fighting with me so you can fuck off trying to help now!”
He knew he didn’t mean the words as soon as he said ‘em. Charlie didn’t need to fight in that rumble. He didn’t think he wanted him to. That night was ‘bout the bloodiest night that he’d seen in a long time. He gets why. Ponyboy and Johnny Cade’s face are still circling the papers every morning, calling for their arrests. Those Socs aren’t letting ‘em go for nothing.
He didn’t want Charlie caught up in that at all.
The blood in his ears and pounding in his head was so loud, Charlie had to squeeze his knees for Micah to realize he’d been talking.
His jaw was set hard and his eyes were so damn sure. But trying to get through a brick wall with words did nothing. Something inside of Micah ached. Was that all he was now?
“I ain’t a fighter, Micah,”
He swallowed hard. He hadn’t met what he said. “I don’t need you to be one, Char. You just—”
“No, look, I— I don’t get this fighting stuff. I wasn’t raised with it, I’ve never fought a fight like— like that shit in my life, okay? That’s not ever in the cards. I’m useless right now and seeing you all beat and bruised makes me feel sick or somethin’. I gotta…” He swallowed thickly and the frustration on his face broke into something raw. His breath trembled. “I gotta do something to help. I can’t fight and I care about you so—”
They both paused at the confession. Charlie’s brown eyes were wide and Micah was sure his were too.
What’s been going on between ‘em hasn’t necessarily been left unaddressed, but it’s been left unspoken. They both know. It’s obvious as hell to the both of ‘em. It hasn’t been spoken not because of fear, but survival.
“I know,” Micah whispered, almost a croak. Hope sparked to life in Charlie’s eyes. “I do, too, I…”
He didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t know what he could say without crossing some unspoken line.
Micah has only focused on the important things— his family and their survival. That’s the whole point of his fighting, his work, his life. He’s never wanted. Not like this. Not in such a selfish, indulgent way that feels like something stabbing through his heart.
Nothing else could be said from him.
Charlie smiled tentatively. There was something fragile in the air.
“Just let me do this.” He whispered. “For me. Seeing you like this all alone makes my heart feel like it was in that rumble, too.”
Charlie’s eyes practically pleaded with his resolve. He wanted to shut the door in his face and gasp through the pain and slip into bed next to his siblings and pretend like nothing hurt until he couldn’t anymore. He was used to being alone. What was one more night?
But another part, something so deeply pushed down, he barely even knew it was there— longed. For Charlie’s smile, his touch and soft hands on his face, his lips on his head, whispered words only the two of them knew. It was a terrible part of him but Charlie didn’t care.
So. Against all his seventeen years of fighting, Micah let his wall break down and he nodded.
“Thank you,” He croaked. He wasn’t going to cry, but the emotion was there all the same.
Charlie’s smile was gentle, so sure, so caring. He could tell Micah all the world would be fine and he’d believe him. He picked the bottle of alcohol up off the floor and raised a hand to Micah’s cheek.
His palm was soft. It just grazed against his face, but for once, Micah let himself lean into the touch until Charlie’s hand cupped his cheek. Charlie rubbed a thumb over his cheekbone. His dark eyes reflected the bathroom lights.
God, Charlie could break open Micah’s every defense and he doesn’t even know if he could put up a good fight.
“Thank you,” Charlie whispered back into Micah’s eyes. His lips parted— and he picked up the wash rag.
#the fact my first posted outsiders fic is basically oc x oc is so funny to me lma#these guys have me in a fucking CHOKEHOLD tho i’m so obsessed with them#the outsiders musical#charlie torres-moore#micah foster#marlie#the outsiders#the outsiders oc#i guess???#trevor wayne#josh strobl#blue’s writing#blue’s faves#might edit this and spruce it up more and post it on ao3!!!#with a second chapter about when charlie gets jumped for the first time… hehehe >:)#pls hype this guys omg
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Chapter 106 - Class 1-A
#boku no hero academia#deku#izuku midoriya#bnha#my hero academia#okay while we have a closeup of his face...#do you guys think he'd have freckles anywhere else like on his shoulders or his back or something#his hero costume covers so much of him up so idk if he'd have them on his arms...#but i started thinking about him with freckles on his shoulders and got emotional over how cute my boy is#i have freckles whenever i get enough sun but i rarely get sun#i forgot i get them... and then i got some on my arm and i was like. RIGHT. GINGER.#they're fading now tho since it's been a while since i was in the sun (again)#anyway do you think during like summer breaks when he's like not at summer camp and he's doing actual summer stuff he gets more freckles#like after he's been spending a few days at the beach he's got extra freckles#katsuki who canonically knows how many freckles he has: fuck i have to recount god fucking dammit fuck this shit#sorry that's just my favorite fact about those two. they're so silly funny. why does he do that. why does he know how many he has.#and what is the point !!!#i love these kids...
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I always take long periods of time to draw in my actual sketchbook which makes me kinda sad since I’m not using it as much as I would like. But I guess it’s alright since I get to see jump cuts in how much I’ve improved..
Here some that I did just now and that I think are pretty okay:
And I haven’t drawn Pizza Head in a while, and WHOOPTY-FRICKEN-DOO I FORGOT HOW TO DRAW HIM
I’m so upset for not being able to draw him like I used to I’M SO DISAPPOINTED. I guess that just means I gotta learn how to again. Tough times ✌️😗
Sorry for the ramble, just feeling things- anyways hope y’all have a nice night 🫶💕
#Pizza Tower#I don’t got that much energy right now I think I burnt it out this morning-#Had a bunch of ideas but then they just poofed out of existence#Pizza Head sad is what I need right now. It makes me want to laugh at him. But also hug him and tell him it’s gonna be okay…#And Peppino is meme stuff cuz I need something funny-#also- THE HIP THING IS REAL- I GIVE HIM SOME HIPS 👏👏#Peppino#Pizza Head#Sketches
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hey
#so i've been dealing with some irl stuff recently#nothing too bad. it was just really frustrating and exhausting for me. and really putting a damper on my mood and my art#and i'm sorry if i've been acting a little weird or not saying too much or anything#or if i've been kinda inactive for the past few days#but i'll be okay!#i just wanted to let you guys know what's been kinda going on#i'm slowly working on something really sweet involving Hugo and Noa. so that's been making me feel better#i need something happy and soft between them lol#also! I've been playing The Quarry recently!#the writing is kinda stupid and almost all of the characters act like they don't have a brain. but that's what makes it so fun!#and i'm pretty sure the devs did that intentionally. to make it seem more like a campy monster flick#i'm really enjoying it so far! the werewolves are really cool!#also it's really funny to me how they just pop like balloons whenever they're transforming#i thought it was gonna be a slow transformation. but no. their skin just immediately explodes off#and then they somehow get it all back when they turn back into humans? idk how that works but it's pretty rad#also also! the thing with the tarot cards is really cool!#i missed a lot in the beginning because i didn't know what i was looking for#and the fortune teller lady in between chapters kept getting mad at me for not finding any#but i eventually started to get it! when the game decided to really put one in my face in chapter 3 lol#and the thing with the tarot cards representing the different characters in the game got me thinking about what card Noa would probably be#i think Seven of Swords would be right up her alley#because it's associated with deception. dishonesty. betrayal. and acting strategically#and it could also signify self-deception and confessions. which is all very true for her character#aaahh now i wanna make a tarot card design for her!#but that's an idea for another day#anyway sorry for sorta rambling a bit#i hope you all are doing okay
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character designers when they need to design a mascot for a masculine vocal synthesizer: and i will put a mole. under his LEFT eye
#its not a problem i love moles but it is funny. its always the left eye#i have a theory. i have a theory based purely off my own drawing habits. so take it with all the grains of salt#but i wonder if its because a lot of people are right handed and right handed artists may be inclined to put design elements like that#on the left side of the character (right of the page when the character is facing you)#that is. why i as a right handed artist puts stuff on the left all the time. its my hashtag drawing theory#but yeah it did make me laugh when like okay frimomen was released and i was like ooh he has a little mole and then i looked closer at#soyogi's design and i was like oh he has a mole too and then noa hex showed up. and then i looked back at#genbu and looked closer and realized he has some manner of THING on his eye that might be. a mole#i think its supposed to be a mole or some kind of birthmark. it has a line. im just always paranoid now because of#amnesia ikki drawing on that spade every day. what if he draws it on. what if he draws it on#but yeah. masc voice synths like to have stuff on their cheeks. if we go outside moles we have the voisona guys with like#mykiv having like. a circle. the target logo. i dunno. and kirune having his name <3#maybe theres also a connection to why so many dude vtubers have random stuff under their left eye or on their cheek#i think it probably comes from similar design philosophies. we need something on their face to stand out but not be too complicated#put a mole on that bad boy. or write his name there. either way works
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Enjoy the new Valkyrie Blast! It's just a very normal capri sun! 100% Don't Worry About It!
Took a break from writing and let the muses try out this new flavor of capri sun we cooked up in the NW server last week.
Watermelon, lychee, & mandarin orange— guaranteed to remind you of your favorite happy-go-lucky, hammer-wielding ball of sunshine!
#snowstorm vampire au#nora valkyrie#weiss schnee#rwby#rwby shitpost#heavens forgive me im shitposting about my own fic aksbskdbsnsdn#kina draws#like giving actors a break in the green room lol#we're at 8k right now#i have some stuff due soon#so we'll see where i get by when#i think im funny okay
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got some of my jake art reblogged recently and i find it funny because right now i draw this man like this
( by right now i mean like 2 months ago this drawing is old
i'm sure i can draw him better like , actually right now . it's been so long since i drew him which is funny because he's my favorite character and i would die for him
#tw jake for brusk btw /j#sunny's rambles#sunny's art#i find that one piece extremely funny#i twinkified him way too much#i'm so sorry jake one day i'll actually draw you again and it's gonna be great#jake my beloved god i love that guy#anyways guys i realized something#my obsession with vargas chapters 20/21 is actually linked to my age regression issues#haha isn't that funny#realized because half of the stuff i like rn involves children being happy#that sounds SO weird but i swear it's just age regression i just want to be a kid again#like . i've been really into south park these days#and i realized that i don't even like the series that much#i'm just really fond of the characters#i would talk more about this in a separate post but i doubt anyone would be interested in the first place#ANYWAYS guys i just had the best of my life ( keeps talking#i went to school . stayed in the library for the whole day and doodled friday night funkin stuff on my homework#i'm absolutely obsessed with fnf right now and i think it's embarrassing#i was actually thinking on making some fnf vargas sprites . . .#i know someone else already made some but i want to get my hyperfixation and my special interest together okay#anyways ily jake#( destroys him with my deadly mind powers
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no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.
i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.
[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]
#goddd my family finds it sooooooo funny that i can't do basic tasks! it's soooo funny that i can't even think of a horror movie to watch#on halloween bc i genuinely can't remember a single one right now. it's soooo funny that i can't take cardboard boxes or#old furniture out of my room without help bc i've physically and mentally and emotionally burnt out for Months.#and me not being able to move shit out after two (2) days makes me a hoarder somehow. and ofc hoarding is a moral failing#and my mom has to give me a stern talking-to about hoarding things... that were. again. in my room for 2 days....#[tbc it isnt a moral failing no matter the reason. life is hard and things happen and it can be hard to get rid of things for Reasons.]#nevermind them making constant snide remarks about me using ugly 'mismatched' desk / storage furniture. bc it was free / cheap? no income??#AND!!!!! i have a couple of new diagnoses. which doesn't change much day to day but it does make my family making fun of me#even more dumbfounding. like. this explains a lot of really scary unexplained symptoms that constantly leave me#housebound for weeks but uhhh haha hehe hoho??? so silly so funny that i'm barely conscious for multiple weeks???#and you can see that i'm getting worse but that makes it funnier??? hmm!!!#also nevermind that i've told them the exact reason why i've been like this (read: them) but that ALSO makes it funnier somehow.#but i also can't say shit bc they're doing something ~nice~ for me (out of convenience + after almost a decade of 'don't get comfortable'#and 'don't decorate this room bc it isn't yours' and 'you need to be ready to move out by x date'#only for the date to arrive and them to pull the 'i never said that. and if i did say it i didn't mean it like that.#and if i did mean it like that i don't anymore.' card. + any big renovations are things they wanted anyway. hmmmm!!#and how i have to do all of the phys labor alone bc if i ask for help i get made fun of!!! and yelled at that i'm doing things Wrong#(hint: i'm following instructions to the letter but. my family knows better than those silly things!! ^^ ))#jfc i sure did rant. uh. yeah. things. are really weird and uncomfy and i feel thankful that i finally can have my own things on display#outside of closets and bins again after a decade?? but i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop / them to tell me i owe them in#some way??? bc that's how it works. 'i'm doing a nice thing you didn't even ask me for so now you have to do whatever i tell you to.'#meanwhile i can't even maladaptive daydream my way through it bc my brain is soup right now. can't remember basic things abt#my interests bc i've been on negative battery / spoons for a couple of months straight and it's only getting worse.#OKAY TLDR i'm not in a state to do anything until everything irl gets settled. and i'm trying So Hard to get it all over with but there's#only so much i can do in a day before i completely shut down. i didn't even get into the insurance stuff i've been fighting too ughhhh.#so if i show up on here in short spurts -- hi! bye! hi!! i wuv and care u!!! hope youre well mwah mwah!!!!!!! i'll post what i can and then#disappear when i need to recharge. it is what it is. i need to try to sleep now... uh if this post disappears when i wake up.... yeah......#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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[boone cannot be reached at the moment. please hang up and try again]
#((Aka admin note time:#I dont wanna sound like a big baby I am in fact a 28 yr old man#but I think I gotta take a breather from the heavier stuff rn#of course everyone is entitled to play their character how they should be played but having some of it directed at me in the first person i#not great when I made this account as kind of a haha funny giggletimes cope to get thru a rough patch in my life.#It was never my plan to participate in serious rp here so I feel okay with stepping away#that being said I do want to continue to receive asks and have good times and even somber times with new friends 👍#Theres just a level of intensity that is not good for me right now. And given my dayjob is writing very intense stories about#war conflict etc. I need to save my energy for that also I think#Thank you for understanding 💗))
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it’s finally getting cold enough that i can bring my cardigan collection back into rotation without feeling like i’m gonna melt into a puddle the second i step outside!!!
#Seven.txt#my face#i have rematerialized back out of the void to once again make my once-in-a-blue-moon selfie & life update post#i’m running on 4 hours of restless sleep and the single banana i ate for lunch earlier today. let’s do this#hrrrrg i hate the lighting in my bathroom but i refuse to take pictures in the absolute Mental Illness Disaster Zone™️ that is my bedroom#anyways. got diagnosed with Mystery Pain Syndrome at the dentist today. so now i take ✨steroids✨#the less funny explanation is that my tooth still hurts with pressure nearly a month post-root canal and That’s Not Good#so we’re trying some new medications to see if that fixes it. and if not then who knows. root canal pt.2 the sequel. or extraction. sigh#and so the Dental Saga continues. todays visit went quite well in spite of the unforeseen mystery pain delaying the tooth-shaving plans#we had some time to kill so he managed to fill some of my other tiny cavities while i was there today so that’s good#okay moving on. what else. uhh. OH they finally came out and ran the fiber to the house last week!!! now i’m just waiting on one more-#-guy to come and finish the interior install and the long awaited fast internet will finally be mine eheheheheeeee#now i can feel my hours upon hours of unedited gameplay footage breathing down my neck :)#man i’ve got so much stuff piled up right now. i’m drowning in Tasks and it’s a lil overwhelming but i’ll handle it all! eventually#uhhhhm my current writing project is coming along well! i’ve never put so much time and effort into a oneshot before in my life#its a labor of love though and i think i’m gonna be really proud of myself (and the fic) once it’s complete#even if no one reads it bc it’s so goddamn self indulgent and kinda lowkey throws canon out the window but like. fuck it!#if i want Astarion to write a song on piano and perform it for me while mentally taking me on a trip down memory lane. then so be it#fr though i’ve never written anything quite like this and i rlly want to do it justice. even if its unrealistic i still want it to be Good#in other news i received word that one of the chickens i sponsor at my local Gentle Barn has passed away so i had a lil cry abt that#i feel so bad for his little tiny chicken wife. they obviously loved each other and it’s like. so sad when one half of an old couple dies#like. she pulled him out of his depression after his 1st wife died. now who’s gonna be there to pull Her out…#anyways let’s not get all sad about that again. in happier news my cat who i presumed died/got killed has returned home uninjured!!!#after that huge stray dog chased her into the woods i thought we’d never find or see her again#but then the morning after i started grieving her she showed back up hungry as hell yet completely unharmed like the enigma that she is#so that’s one definite highlight from earlier this month. uhh what else. rapid fire summary of the past few weeks let’s go-#Jersey turned 10! Bullet turned 10! my 6 year Veganniversary happened! i’m approaching 700 days on DuoLingo!#i’ve written more than 20 thousand words! i’ve been facing some fears! fighting my OCD! taking care of myself! (kinda!)#anyways things are far from being all sunshine and roses around here but i’m trying to focus on the good stuff for the most part#for now tho i have a headache and have reached 30 tags so it’s time to go shovel some mashed potatoes into my mouth :)
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wow the crushes never end, huh?
#man... i might be crushing on another k.ingdom h.earts person...#my f/o has water magic.. and this new lady has a water theme going on... is this my type now?#anyways yeah that's a thing#i just think she's very pretty okay-#feels like i've been getting new f/os left and right these days aksjajsj#they just make me feel so happy!!#ash rambles 💚#but writing all the lore for s/is ans stuff has been fun since the anxiety has definitely been spiking the past few weeks#and my schedule isn't gonna clear up for a few months so.. yikes!! i've just kinda been going through it tbh#i like to be the always happy and funny and goofy and sometimes that's just hard to maintain and it kinda sucks#sorry for the sudden dump- i'm just a little tired and want some f/o snuggles#hey maybe i'll rb an ask game or smth! been a while since i've done one of those#all that bullshit aside. pretty lady crush go brrrr#negative#<- just in case#anyways goodnight y'all!
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if you like the mutual pining trope might i introduce you to the homie shitshow
#light.txt#right so basically this guy and i have been texting for quite some time#at first it was just about music and practice and stuff#but slowly we started talking about more random stuff#like exchanging posts we see which remind us of the other#(eg i send him stuff with the word “homie” and he sends me puns)#and so now we're homies 👍#but more recently when we chat he says stuff like#“love you too in a really gay way”#“💪 looks like a deformed peanut...... deez nuts”#“its okay [if you cant history] you just need to smoke harder”#“but you are also gay. does that mean i am gay??”#<- a small selection of the large variety of strange things#which is wonderful i love it#so the thing is (if you havent already figured it out) i like him . adn i tjink he likes me back .#which is going to be very interesting because i dont think either of us is going to confess first#but im considering . after i graduate from jc though. which is some time away.#this is all very funny bc i only thought of this possibility last night. im an idiot.#and uh. congrats if you made it this far . im not completely sure if what i think is correct so maybe reply and give me your thoughts?#idk man help :(
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so i was going to write this in the tags but i've ended up cackling over my own bullshit because this is absolutely fucking ridiculous and there's way too much to just leave in the tags or a reply so sorry for the long post but here we go
first things first: i have only ever published one fanfic on ao3, so if we're only counting published fics then yeah sure 'untitled' i know what that one is it's the dumb jasico thing i wrote in like 2015-2016 which was like five sentences long or smth, the answer is yes
if we're counting the APPARENTLY OVER A THOUSAND unfinished unpublished word documents currently languishing in my 'Fanfics and shit' folder, the answer is a resounding No The Fuck I Would Not
holy shit there's so much going on here
so I've gotten slightly better at titling fics since the days when i would just call things 'bleh', 'oop de doop', 'wtf' or 'wtf au the fuckening pt 3', and now actually call these word documents (which will at best hold my attention for about three days and more commonly less than a single day bc i can never fucking stay focused on anything long enough to finish it) things like 'archivist sasha is good though', 'no eliot then' or 'sighs in self insert'
naturally those are still pretty vague so there's still enough confusion that i have to keep them in specific folders and sort by date modified rather than alphabetically, so i can see what fic came before 'that but more elusive' or 'that but Wit earlier and less assassining' or 'more spy though' or 'more nervous though' or... yeah
but at least i have the folders organised, you say! ahahahahahaha, no, no i do not have the folders organised. these folders are a mess of fics organised vaguely by vibes and fandoms, not helped by the fact that the majority of them are crossover fics for fandoms with very different vibes
for instance: where are the Alex Rider fanfics? yeah that's a very good question let me check. okay so the non-crossover fics are in the surprisingly helpfully named 'alex frickin rider then' folder, which lives in the 'dumb thing' folder inside the 'boop' folder. The 'boop' folder is actually for Foxhole Court fics - or no, it's specifically for crossover fics where Zuko from Avatar the Last Airbender joins the Palmetto State Foxes, there was another barely-used folder for non-crossover aftg fics which i think just has in it like an au where Neil was a Raven or some shit, but I was simultaneously hyperfixated on Zuko and aftg for like quite a while so there's uh. Like well over two hundred attempts to figure out how putting Zuko on this terrible fucking sports team would go. Anyways, back on task, the 'dumb thing' folder was like few OC (really SI) type things bc i decided i had made my boy zuko suffer enough (and i should suffer instead), and the alex rider folder got put in there bc vibes. it makes sense in my brain i swear
anyways so where do the alex rider crossover fics go? good question, i think i know most of them but let me check! so the aftg crossovers are in the 'back to exy' folder in the 'alex frickin rider then' folder, there's a single really dumb hp crossover idea in a different subfolder called 'aaargh' about Julia Rothman having a magical child which will never see the light of day so long as jkr remains on her bigoted bullshit, and then we have to leave the boop folder entirely to search out the remainder. oh lmao i forgot what was in that 'sigh' folder hey i just found a foxhole court/mistborn crossover idea that literally only exists bc i thought of the sentence 'Ash fell from the end of Neil's cigarette' like hot damn that references the opening lines of both books if only i had a story to go with it, wait what was i doing oh yeah alex rider fics... okay so i think all of the rest of them are leverage crossovers and uh. so uh. so okay all the leverage fics live in the 'why' folder i think, except for that one crossover i just found in the 'leverage' folder at the bottom of the 'this now' folder which is for pjo fics, and the 'why' folder isn't actually for leverage it's for mistborn, but its where the leverage fics live in another 'leverage' subfolder bc heist vibes, except that subfolder is actually for mistborn/leverage crossovers and there's a 'modern' folder in that which is where the regular leverage stuff goes, except that's only got like two things in bc why have regular leverage when you can have 'eliot worked for scorpia before moreau' leverage, like seriously you know that bit in that warehouse scene where eliot shoots the guy behind him without even looking yeah now think about that bit in the stormbreaker film where yassen shoots that guy behind him without even looking you can't unthink it just accept Scorpia!Eliot into your hearts. so yeah there's an 'alex rider crossover then' folder in that - oh lmao there's another 'exy' folder in here the aftg fics are everywhere, but like jean moreau should clearly definitely be related to damien moreau that's just common sense and if we assume stormbreaker does in fact take place in 2001 then alex is the right age to join the foxes around 2005-2006 either the same year as neil or one before and you can actually do a fun thing with The Inside Job if you say that Wakefields actually used to be called something else before a merger with Greenfields, that evil gm wheat company from Crocodile Tears, so alex could be... (i continue infodumping about this nonexistent three-way-crossover, and a camera slowly zooms out to show me sitting alone at the center of the venn diagram of aftg fans, alex rider fans and leverage fans. a tumbleweed blows past)
anyways i think the best organised folder is probably the 'spoopy' folder which is for magnus archives stuff, im pretty sure no tma stuff has actually found its way outside that, though there are more crossovers inside naturally. there's a 'pjo crossover nonsense now' folder which is reasonably self explanatory, most of the barely-started fics in there assume Jonah Magnus is a son of Athena trying to escape death by creating his own new pantheon, then there's a 'cosmere nonsense bullshit' folder which only has one thing in it bc what if Fear was a Shard like can we let Cognitive Shadow Gerry say to Jon and Martin 'so yeah remember when i said there's no gods of love or hope or indigestion yeah actually turns out i was wrong there's a whole bunch of them actually it's pretty great', and on the subject of letting Gerry have nice things there's yet another fucking exy folder, called, 'tfc folder too big so crossover goes here' because Gerry can would and should be a Fox. lmao just imagine the moriyamas trying to intimidate him, this man has seen supernaturally induced atrocities your petty gang bullshit doesn't even register for him Riko you idiot, and then the foxes are incredibly fucking confused and concerned when Mary Keay shows up and Gerry's clearly more scared of this little old lady than anything to do with Riko and wait what do you mean she's your mother-
anyways pls remind me to go ask a doctor about adhd diagnosis bc i would like to maybe be able to finish writing a single thing in my life like ever
fanfic writers: if you were shown nothing but the title of one of your own fics, do you think you would be able to remember which one it is
#aftg#alex rider#leverage#tma#cosmere#pjo#mistborn#atla#like the sheer volume of fox zuko fics in the boop folder fucking punched me in the face genuinely#right click>properties> over 200 files 'ah shit that's kind of a fucking lot'#right click properties in the 'Fanfics and shit' folder gives a total of 1156 files and 61 folders and like#not all of those files are fics bc some are notes for theories or like quiz results or stuff#and like there were several mistborn adventure game character sheets for foxes in the 'sigh' folder#but like. the overwhelming majority of those files are unfinished and permenantly abandoned fanfics i will never complete#to the point that there are definitely over a thousand of them holy shit what is wrong with me#i mean like its probably adhd. i did specify that and i have got The Autism(tm) as well definitely so like#please i would just like my brain to not be a strange little squirrel-magpie creature#which is constantly on the hunt for newer shinier things which still fulfill The Special Interest whatever that currently is#me#writing#yeah I'm going to bed now#okay actually editing the tags to just say one last thing#which is that its really fucking funny that my trans ass can't decide on a goddamn name for my self-insert characters#like it changes almost every time. as does the assigned gender for fics where magic does not allow me to shapeshift#okay i think im done now
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January 2024: well, I can’t get my antidepressants anymore and this withdrawal makes me want to kill myself. From now on I’ll just raw dog these feelings so I never have to deal with these side effects again.
June 2024: I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. The world is ending. We’re all walking through the end times and whether I die soon or the world collapses in on itself, I can feel the simultaneous emptiness and crushing weight of the end. There is nothing.
#this isn’t really funny is it?#anyway so yeah going back to the dr tomorrow to ask for antidepressants#which ones I don’t know. I’ve been on so many that I don’t know if anything really works#THIS IS NOT A SOLUTION FOR EVERYONE. THIS IS JUST ME. I NEED TO BE MEDICATED. I LOVE YOU. DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.#a whole nothingburger of a roadblock hit me earlier and I ended up having to sit outside for an hour#basically ‘hey can you maybe go to your appt a bit earler just in case they can see you sooner’ and I was like… why bother w/ ANYTHING!#one of those stupid things that’s so easy to work with in retrospect but at the time I honestly felt so hopeless and pushed around#what a fucking baby#anxiety and depression can just turn you into a fucking baby#I SAY THIS SO EMPATHETICLY! You are NOT a baby! your brain just doesn’t work right! I’m so sorry we gotta deal with this.#some people don’t need meds. some do. this post is about me. my chemicals have been caustic for years. I gotta balance the humors my liege#so basically I’ve been antidepressant free since mid jan. it’s sucked. it’s getting WOOOOORSE.#so as much as I hate adjusting to new meds. as much as I say ‘I don’t notice a difference’#about that. THIS is the difference you dumb bitch (me)!#I’ll be on meds and kinda mehhhh. but this. without meds. I’ll take meh and functional over months of meh and then suddenly DEATH!#I’m not in a position where I can just go out and get a bunch of healthy food and go work out and change my environment and blah blah blah#I’m poor and disabled boy!#but god… I know there’s more I could reasonably do. I know. I don’t need suggestions. I’m sorry. to myself and everyone I’m annoying.#just… for right now. for this week. let me try to rebalance.#I got some antianxieties to last a week maybe but they’re not cure-alls.#I wish I could say oh I popped an Ativan and I felt so good but NO! it makes me sleepy and a bit calmer and it’s NOT sustainable!#I can’t be drowsy all day long. I definitely CAN’T handle a benzo problem. fuck I am always worried about withdrawals with this stuff.#oh dang. I’ve just been sitting here rambling for maybe half an hour now in my little chair. doofus.#okay sorry to bother you#I love you and I love you and also I love you#you can ignore this#text
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i barely know a thing about starfield but i've been hearing a bit and i wonder ... hm ... anyway it's possible i'll get the game either way bcs iirc my dad is interested LMFAO <3
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#love love love my dad and our relationship when it comes to video games#also my aunt bcs she's where i got the more whimsical fantasy side but i have the sci-fi and high fantasy from my dad ^_^ but tbh they both#do both !! yay !!! okay anyway bless my dad bcs him getting da origins (i have never even seen him play it) got me interested#seeing him play skyrim got me interested in elder scrolls too and i actually have played a few games ... uhh i played a bit of mass effect#but never got far SOBBING but i vividly rmbr watching him play sometimes <33#but yeah. so. bethesda. i know smth smth smth w my dad and doom and we even watched a documentary of sorts one so i'm real interested#and then fallout !! rmbr him watching. uhh my twin played a bit of 4 ... i played the mobile games a fuck TON ..... my friend is into las#vegas too and i watched her play a bit + she gifted me the game when it was on sale !! so yeah !!#yk it's kinda funny how i literally grew up w sci-fi and so many of my favorite medias thru time are That#but i don't actually like sci-fi all TOO much. or maybe i'm just lying to myself idk!#i do prefer typical fantasy stuff like medieval or high or dark or wtvr most final fantasy games excluding 7 13 15 have going on even if i#adore those too ....... but there's always a little bit of sci-fi there too like 8 and 10 and 6 but do you see my point LMFAO. and then xiv!#idk. just spitting thoughts rn. good morning lmfao <3#anyway right i'm not too interested Myself but i do love rpgs and character customizations so LMFAOOO ANYWAY MY DAD WILL LIKELY GET IT <3#bless him ..... and my aunt. a lot of our games come from them LMFAO i have not had to buy a single game on my switch#and i have hades fe3h acnh a lot of final fantasies botw mario games etc and i got interested in and some are my intro to some franchises#so i got into fe and loz for example! and i'm utterly obsessed! and w my dad he got soulsborne games for fun and now i'm obsessed. and#there's a lot more. like... awh he got ac: odyssey and rdr2 bcs me and my twin were interested sniffs i adore him
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