#okay maybe im not that much of a hippie i guess

[skenpiel]

ok so that erm impromptu birthday celebration was fun but also. maybe some of the weirdest shit thats happened 2 me in awhile im gonna have to go through it all in order. first off it was at an irish pub and my uncles friend was like. a friend of the owners and he was irish so everyone was switching between languages all the time..... then i met my uncles mom (not the same as my grandma for the record) who IMMEDIATELY went "oh my god is your liver okay?????" and i was like ????? what do u mean. she was like all those painkillers you swallowed!!!! and i thought she was referencing an incident from a couple years ago and was like oh that was a long time ago im fine now haha. turns out she was talking about sometime when she babysat me when i was a TODDLER and i guess i somehow swallowed pain meds???? and she was like. still super worried about that even though it wasnt even a dangerous amount of medicine so like. lol. but then we got to talking and she asked about what i wanna be when i grow up.. i was like ohh i dunno im mostly just trying to finish school first and foremost. then we SOMEHOW got into talking about astrophysics (subject i love very much) and she got more excited than anyone i have EVER MET about that. she was squealing and stomping her feet and clapping her hands and rushing over the table to hug me and THANKING GOD i was like ???OK!!!!!!!!!??. and she leaned over to her friend and whispered, completely serious, "we need to bring her to the woods. satima, dont you think we need to bring her with us to the woods???" and Erm i guess it turns out they have hippie ass drum sessions in the woods and im apparently invited. she went on a whole spiel about how i needed to open my third eye like completely fully serious too. "your brain and intellect has invaded your third eye, you need to learn how to balance them..... here have some more wine btw". on the way back i found a dead mouse on the ground and then it turned out it WASNT DEAD and was STILL MOVING but seemingly near death and everyone gathered around and was like ohhh it feels so horrible to just leave him to die slowly like this :( and i was like. well does anyone have like a big rock or something then. i scooped it up in some box i found on the ground and moved it to the side of the road and this drunk ass irishman started talking about all the various animals thatd bitten him and how he was lucky to be alive after having been bitten by a rat. i was like. ok big pat (his name. also everything we ordered literally went to his tab, it was unreal) im sorry to hear about all your animal mishaps. he just went "ahhh they dont mean to bite ya they get scared but you shouldnt touch em" like yeah bro way ahead of you 👍. anyway this is a long ass post but everyone was SO WEIRD it was funny to watch. oh and by the way my uncles mom (the shaman lady because she apparently also works as a shaman) told a story about how she got in trouble while babysittig me once to the point where HER DAUGHTER had to scold her because she BIT MY HANDS. as she talked about it she was holding my hands and was like i just couldnt help myself they were so small and cute ^__^ i just wanted to GOBBLE THEM UP!!!!! at which point she brought my hands to her mouth and imitated gnawing sounds. like. ok so um. this lady BIT ME when i was a baby.....? and now she wants to bring me to the woods so i can open my third eye...??????? shes sami btw but she seems to be Erm sort of all over the place in terms of culture and religion. lmfao. annnnnd now im going 2 bed Bye 4ever

[thewildones]

[ ' i guess i get that old hippie shit from you . ' ] jt couldn't help but let out a laugh . a toothy grin appears ⸺ the rarest form of genuine happiness . finding joy in the simple things , even things such as hanging out with your eldest son . no television , no phone ... just the two of them and granted , he hasn't been around a lot . by all instances jackson is supposed to hate him ( to look at jt with nothing but disgust and contempt . ) AN ABSENTEE FATHER IS NO FATHER AT ALL . this man has seen the many different ways that his actions had consequences . his family being the one to take the biggest hit of all . GEMMA . his wife and the mother of his boys ... it's funny how you'd think that everything he's done , all the horrible , no good shit he's done . would drive her into the arms of another . the fact that he had a child with another woman would have given her more than enough reason to do it . the reality the actions that drove away gemma wasn't what he did ... BUT WHAT HE DIDN'T DO .

" im gonna let you in on a little secret jax , " the older male inhales cigarette before continuing . " i don't give a shit about what your mother thinks . she knows damn well that where we live ? it's a dead end for all who live there . " or maybe she just chooses not to see how things truly are . maybe the queen , THE GATEKEEPER ⸺ wants more than what jt was willing to give . he's just so damn tired these days ... his bones scream out for him to rest a bit but , somehow ? his body keeps on going like it's on autopilot . which is why spending time with jackson was a much needed time spent away from it all . not to mention when he looks at his son , he sees the splitting image of himself except with blonde hair like his mother . everything else is more john teller than he is . moreover he sees a chance . a chance at a better life ... to make something of himself . why not let the boy chase his dreams ? it's what a parent should do .

" then go to columbia . become the next jack kerouac or the next neal cassidy . travel abroad , see some shit that you ain't never seen before . fall in love , MAKE LOVE ... get your heart broken kid . " jt lights up as he speaks , and when he speaks he's got a passionate tone . a hand gestures in front of them as he speaks with the cigarette slotted between two of his finger's . but his eyes ... his blue eyes . THEY REMAIN ON JAX , looking into his own and the never falter . " do whatever your heart wants to do as long as it has nothin' to do with the club , guns , drugs ... anything that will get your ass prison time . " he's been in prison , that shit ain't for everyone . most get chewed up and spat out quickly anyhow . " your mom ? let me handle her okay , you just focus on getting out of charming . ya' understand ? "

his father more phantom than anything else , a ghost already as he speaks with a wisdom that jackson will later understand. the young heir doesn't realize what this world takes from you , what you sacrifice. there had been time when he had been angry at his old man , blamed him for his mother getting close to clay , and making a fool out of the whole family.

now , he sees a shift in his father - a leadership that goes against clay like a wave upon the sand ; he rebels against this life. gemma wanting jackson to spend more time with clay as jackson admitted that he couldn't stand the son of a bitch.

' yeah i guess i get that old hippy shit from you ' the two of them treating one another as equals , and jackson trying his best to ensure that his posture doesn't sag , that he LOOKS older than SIXTEEN. ' you know i think i would've liked that ... surfing , weed , and music ' perhaps too brash with wording before then clearing throat. ' i take my studies serious dad ... ' the word 'dad' foreign upon tongue, ' what you want me to get out into the world ? mom would have a shit fit '

jackson then clears throat , and pretends to feel wiser than his tender age , ' dad i wanna go to columbia , become a writer like jack kerouac ... ' his voice soft as the wind shifts and carries his words down pier , and he looks from his father's face to the water before them. ' do you think it'd be good to go ? '

the two of them plotting , planning as this life proves to never be enough.

' mom doesn't know ... i'd like to keep it that way '

[noco7]

Hi! I just read your post on Nemma and Noah's characterization in RR and, although I actually really like Nemma, I totally agree with you about how nuts the writing was. But it made me curious so I decided to ask: what are your thoughts on Emma as a character? I quite like her, but I prefer Kitty lol.

Hello! Nice to hear from you, and I'm glad n*mma worked for some people. As for Emma, I'm going to be honest - I don't know what to make of her. The first (and last) time I watched RR, I really tried to like her. I didn't want to be one of those people who hated the female love interest for getting in the way of their gay ship. And I accomplished that, I don't hate Emma. But I don't love her either. Perhaps I should love her. She's a bit like Courtney - not as extreme and so not as interesting imo, but she's still a mean girbloss. And I like evil women. Hell, I like Amy from Pakhitew and the only thing she ever did was be mean to her sister. And I enjoyed every second of it. That girl was so evil it crossed into camp. Considering all those things, Emma should have been easy favorite. But ehh, didn't happen. And I think that's more on me. The more I force myself to like something, the more attention I pay to the flaws. The more people tell me something's bad, the more I look for the good things. It's like I always want to prove someone wrong, whether thats myself or the public. But enough about me, let's talk about Emma:

IMO, Emma has three main things going for her during RR. Her relationship with her sister, her relationship with Noah, and her trust issues regarding alliances. 1) The sister plot. I have mixed feelings about how this plot began, because yeah, Emma was pretty mean. Which I should like, because I liked Amy. But I was never supposed to like Amy, so I did. But I was supposed to like Emma. Emma's a protaganist. So I didn't. 💀 That being said, even I can't deny how well this plotline resolved. Her problem had been her putting the competition ahead of her sister, but for her to accept defeat because her sister was more important? Chef's kiss. Masterful writing. Great message for the kiddies and adults alike.

So yeah, mixed feelings, but overall, I'd say it was Good. 2) Her relationship with Noah. Yeah, no. You already saw me diss this ship, which, sorry. But I will be nicer this time! Despite my dislike, It does solve the problem of her not being over her ex. That's good, that she could find love again. And tbf, I think it does make sense that she likes Noah, or at least more sense the other way around. Since she's allowed to dislike him first, it's not insta-love. And once Noah proves himself by always trying to impress her and help him out, like.. yeah of course she likes the guy who's dedicated to being her simp. I too would grow to like someone who liked me. So what's the problem? Ehh, it's her weird comments. She compares Noah's ass to apples, when the guy is flat af. Emma says Noah's funny in his least funny season, then laughs at one of Noah's jokes, before admitting she doesn't get it. Like, it feels like the writers weren't sure of how to make Noah appealing without making Emma a little insane. The family thing, the hair fish thing, the obession over him even when he's gone. I know that's her thing, that Emma is slightly obsessive. (And I'd be a hypocrite to hate Noah's SO being slightly obsessive. Like that isn't the whole plot of my Noco fic. But uhh, I use it as a way to deconstruct anxiety, neglect, and talk about the importance of consent. TD doesn't do that with Emma. It's just a funny weirdo thing she does 😜)

And perhaps that would be fine and quirky. Not everything has to deep. And that's true. Unfortunately, I'm an ex BNHA stan. For those who don't know about the manga, good, but also there's uhh some Sexist Writing in there. In this specific case, I'm talking about Deku and Ochako. Deku is the main hero guy, and Ochako is the love interest. They both start off as capable heros with their own unique motives, yet as soon as Uraraka started liking Deku, everything became about him. Every fight she thinks of him, 99% of her plot and screentime becomes about him. She stops being a character on her own and more a sattelite that revolves around Deku.

Now, TD didn't do this with Emma. She is still her own character after Noah is gone, and arguably a better one. But still, her continuing to think about Noah to the point of getting distracted rlly bothers me. It's like war flashbacks to 2018. So no, I don't think N*mma was a successful plotline for Emma, because while it did solve her problem ✅ and did kinda make sense ✅ it made her annoying to watch. ❌ And I hate Nemma, so BOOO! Negative points!!

3) But what about her thing about not being able to trust people? And I don't mean men, I mean alliances. There's this whole thing where Kitty tries to get Emma to consider alliances. The Nowen one works, sorta. (You know, if Noah was a true boyfriend, he would have continued the competition, just so he could stay and help his GF. But apparently Noah's just one of those guys who like... is lazy and annoying, meets a girl he likes, puts massive amounts of effort to woo her - then once he gets the girl, he stops. Oof. 💀) But what about the other alliance? The Adversity Twins. Uhhh. Emma kinda betrayed them. For Noah! A good cause! But it kinda weakens her trusting other people, and willingness to help her competitors, when one of her Big Moments was throwing them overboard for her bf she wasn't even dating yet. Wow. I'd be so pissed if I were the Adversity Twins, lmao. This moment isn't bad in itself, but it confuses the message. She's trying to learn how to make alliances, but she throws one alliance to save the other. Net gain 0. And if I'm remembering wrong, she also didn't trust the Surfer Dudes later on? So uhhh. Tl;dr Emma had 3 main things in RR, she aced one of them, flopped in the other, and kinda... nothinged the third. At least for me. So in the end, it all cancels out. I feel like if I watched RR again, I might like her more. And if I liked N*mma, like you do, I might have liked Emma too. Unfortunately, I have taken the path into darkness.

If you're wondering if my fic will bash her, the answer is no. She doesn't have much of a presence in this fic for obvious reasons, and if she appears, it will be brief, and as Noah's friend. Emma the dog, however, will be making consistent appearances. I feel less bad about the overlapping names now that the new TD Season also has another Emma. Thank you TD, for assuaging my guilt. They really do care about their fans. 🤧 And if you're wondering why I named the dog Emma, when I could have just not... I took a Jane Austen class in college, thought Noah would like Austen, Emma is Austen's best book imo, thought the coincidence funny, starting thinking of how to insert his Austen like in the narrative in subtle ways, thought of his dog, and well. Yeah. That's the main reason. Should I have just named her Elizabeth or smth? Yeah. But Noah hates the monarchy :(

[lavenderahs]

venturing new places

summary - while wandering the beautiful land of eden; a man informs y/n of trespassing his private property.

warnings - v rough sex, hair pulling, vaginal sex, throat fucking.

taglist - @brooklinn13 @d3monslust @booboomother @the-hotel-cortez @forevercountess @jimmason @mllxngdonswife @kitty4860

vacation is a rare luxury of mine; having anough finance is not the problem, i never have time to actually step away from my life. i decided on taking a few days off to actually enjoy myself. one of my co-workers celebrated their honeymoon on an island named Eden. it seems so exotic and blissful. Plane tickets weren't too much, so i booked myself a flight and to stay at a local airb&b. stepping off the plane to eden was truly breathtaking. the air seemed so fresh, compared to the city i stay locked in. it wasnt grey & minimalistic; it had beautiful vibrant colors, true eye candy. it was warm, not humid, which is perfect. the island was full of culture. groups of people meditating on the hillside; locals picking fruit from trees & bushes, pure beauty.

the airb&b was decorated simple but cozy. i unpacked my things; my denim shorts and halter tops, and plenty of bikinis. as it was around 3 pm, i still had plenty of daylight left, i decided to go explore some of eden. not too far from my airb&b was a simple path into the forest, "perfect" i whispered to myself. the aura of eden was so beautiful, a warm feeling of utter peace. the birds hummed a few notes as i walked through the path. sunlight seeping through the trees, warm to my skin. the farther i walked, the forrest path lead to a beautiful field. trees and flowers still lingering about, just not as dense as the forrest. the small forrest path turned into a dirt road. i could smell the saltwater in the air, knowing the sea is not too far. it amazed me how no one lived out here, no shitty slab houses filling the field, it was all so different than america. the sounds of nature were disturbed when i heard the sound of running foot steps on the dirt. they slowed as i turned. a scruffy man, maybe mid 30s, stood giving me a concerned look. "uh- how may i help you miss?" i looked to the side "um, im a tourist, i was just exploring?" i trail off "is something wrong" he chuckles. "do you even know who i am" i give him a thorough look. icy blue eyes, medium brunette hair, dressed like a hippie, my mind goes blank to who this man is. "im andy fucking dolan" attitude in his tone. realizing whom he was, i panicked. "o-oh im sorry, i didnt recognize you nor know you lived in eden" he sighs "well youre tresspassing on my property" his hands move to his hips. i stand speechless, nervous knowing his amount of wealth and power. "youve got 2 choices; i can call my security and youll be arrested for trespassing, or" he exhales "you come with me, so i can straighten you out" i stand in utter confusion. what does he mean by straighten me out. i stare at the ground "i guess ill go with you"

after 15 minutes of walking to his home in awkward silence. he leads me to his pool area, filled with expensive furniture etc. he points to a lounge chair "sit" i obey as he sits in the chair parallel to mine. "i find you quite attractive" he says bluntly. "okay, thanks i guess" i scoff. he rises from his chair, and leans on the end of my lounge chair. close to my face "don't give me attitude, youre lucky im being this good to you" i barely get to respond. he reaches to my shoulder and pushes me down, hovering over me. "you're gonna be punished, you can't just venture into my property darling" i feel myself heating up "why are you getting turned on by this" i think to myself. he stands up "get up" he spits. i obey as he props himself up in a chair. "undress, now" i stand helpless, knowing ill have the cops on me if i dont obey. "o-oh ok" he watches, proped back, a smile of satisfaction. my tanktop comes off first, revealing my simple strapless bra. i slip my denim shorts off, only wearing thin panties underneath. "i said undress" he takes a hit on his cigarette. "take everything off" i resist rolling my eyes as i unclip my bra and take my panties off. he exhales the smoke "good..." i cross my arms due to my insecure nature. "bend over on the chair" he points to the nearest lounge chair. i obey, gently laying on my stomach, the material of the cushion against my nipples makes a chill go down my spine. i hear andy exhale and rise from his chair. his presence lingering over me as i lay helpless. in the corner of my eye i see him toss his cigarette bud to the ground. "lets get started, shall we?" he whispers

his handprints stain to my ass as he strikes me for a fifth time. i choke out as a tear runs down my cheek "hm? i told you that youd be punished darling" he leans down to my level and whispers "you're gonna learn your lesson" as he leans back up, i feel his hand grab a fist full of my hair, pulling harshly. "spread your legs" he pushes my head down onto the cushion. despite the pain i managed to spreed my knees apart. his hands find my ass, spreading my ass cheeks, knowing his eyes are glued to my holes. he chuckles "i must be turning you on huh?, already wet for me" he barely slides two fingers into my opening, just enough to tease me. he fumbles with my cunt for a minute, feeling my folds, slipping his fingers in and out of my wet opening. his thumb wraps underneath my torso, and begins rubbing small circles into my clit. i squirm and let out a gentle moan, the moment it reached his ears he stopped "oh, no baby girl, this is about me getting pleasure, not you" i groan as he stands up. i feel something at my entrance, gently rubbing against it. realizing its andys cock. "a-andy" i barely get out as he slams his length into me. he straddles my waist as he holds his cock balls deep into me. "shhh-" he whispers. the head of his cock is teasing my clit as he rests inside me, my entire body resisting to just bounce on his cock. he moves his hips closer to mine, spreading his knees just in the right position. he grunts as his balls clap against my pussy. i try my hardest not to moan, knowing he'll stop. "this fucking cunt, so wet and tight" he moans as his thrusts pound into me. i feel him get in a few more thrusts and pull out. i try to catch my breath. "turn around" he spits" i sit up and dangle off the end of the chair. he brings his waist towards me, his hard throbbing cock right above me. he grabs my face and opens my mouth. "if you cant breathe, pinch me" before i could respond, his cock is shoved down my throat. gagging me the second it hit the back of it. his legnth makes me spill spit all over his balls. i stare into his eyes as he throat fucks me. "god fucking damn this pretty throat" he slows his pace and tilts his head back and pulls out. spit pouring down my neck "suck my balls okay babygirl, i need to cum on your face" he has sweat pouring down his face. i lean down and my mouth takes in balls, sucking them tightly, his hand quickly jerking his spit covered cock, craving an orgasm. our eye contact as i lick his balls makes him almost shake. he grabs my head, and holds it up. "i-i" he stutters. his cock shoots out his load onto my face, warm cum hitting all over my mouth. i smile as i watch him orgasm, his cock throbbing. "g-good girl" he whispers. "i- let me go clean up" he seems as if his orgasm got the best of him. i lick the cum off my lips, wondering how it would have felt inside me....

[moonlit-imagines]

Way Down We Go

Arvin Russell x fem!reader

warnings: well, just about everything from the movie is mentioned, death/murder/suicide, (non-descriptive) sex, pregnancy mention,

a/n: im begging you to read this in a southern accent - i did change it up JUST a little i hope thats okay (y/n was just w/ arvin when he did some of the stuff he did)

prompt: anonymous: “uhm, oneshot for being arvin russell’s girlfriend and him coming back for you after he kills the sergeant? and maybe you two run away and get married and name your first kid after lenora?”

Soon enough, you and Arvin needed to split from your boyfriend’s hometown, Knockemstiff. He’d just shot down the sheriff and you weren’t sure if any authorities were going to believe your story. You two had to run.

“I’m so sorry, y/n. ‘Shoulda never got you involved in any ‘a this.” Arvin was beating himself up as the two of you dragged your feet on the side of the road, hoping you’d find a less murderous ride along the way.

“Don’t you dare apologize, Arvin. They all had it comin’ and you know I wasn’t gonna let you go off alone.” You halted your step in the grass and grabbed your boyfriend by the bicep, forcing him to stop, as well. He hesitated to turn around and look you in the eye, but when he slowly did, you could see tears brimming in his eyes. You’d be a liar if you said you didn’t want to do the same, but someone needed to have a level head right now, and after everything Arvin just had to do, you were prepared to take that responsibility. “Baby, we’re gonna be fine, I just know it.”

“I don’t believe that for a second.” He mumbled as the tears began to flow. Your hands found themselves gliding up his dirty arms and shirt, finally reaching his clenched jaw and helping him to relax. “You’re so good to me an’ I just made our lives so much harder.”

“So we start somewhere new, okay? We’ll take a ride with someone on the interstate, make it to Georgia or Florida. I’ve been hearin’ some good things ‘bout Florida, they’ve got it all.” Arvin nearly cracked a smile at your optimism, he never knew how you’d be able to find light such a dark situation.

“I was thinkin’ about doing what my daddy did all them years ago.” He mumbled to you, as if he were unsure about going down that path.

“You gon’ keep on going or leave me hangin’ over here? You never talk about your father, tell me something new.” You pushed on, finally getting a smile out of him as the two of you continued your trek away from trouble.

“Well, he met a girl, fell in love, settled down far from home...” Arvin told you, trying to remember wha his mother’s face looked like.

“You’ve done two ‘a those things so far, go on.” You laced your fingers through his and gently swung your arms back and forth with each step.

“They started a family.” He said, looking up at the cloudy sky. Almost as if he could see the two looking back down at him. “A family could be nice. Maybe a dog, too. Jack really was man’s best friend.”

“I could see us doin’ that. We just gotta find the right place and we’re as good as gold.” You nudged Arvin with your elbow and he forgot all about the heinous scenes he’d left in the hours before, all that was on his mind now was what your future may look like. And to him, it looked amazing. Maybe you two could put the past few weeks behind you and just be happy again. No more pain, no more fear, just love for one another.

“We’re gonna be okay, huh?” Arvin asked, knowing already that you’d agree. A good deal of time went by before any cars passed by, but sooner or later a Volkswagen slowed down beside you and let you hop in. You knew hippies were a little weird, but they loved peace more than anything on this planet. Your odds were pretty good, so you climbed right inside and took a seat in the back, making conversation with the driver while Arvin got some much-needed shut eye.

“So, where are you two lovebirds heading?” The long-haired man asked, thankfully snapping you out of a daze consisting of dropped bodies and images you may never get out of your head.

“Oh, nowhere in particular. Just south.” You nodded along with your answer and the hippie chuckled, liking the answer you gave him.

“Looking to get a little lost? I like it.” You were distracted by his long hair flying around with the window cracked open just a bit.

“Yeah, I guess we are. We were thinking Florida would be a nice place to go, ever been?” You sparked a bit of conversation.

“Definitely! ‘The Sunshine State,’ doesn’t that have a nice ring to it? You guys’ll love it, I’m tellin’ ya.” The man’s enthusiasm was no joke, you needed the upbeat attitude he gave you, though. For a while longer, you talked about travel and this mystery man’s eventful life, it gave you hope that this new life you were about to start wouldn’t be as scary as you were thinking.

—————

Arvin woke up from yet another nightmare, it seemed like it would never end. It’d been four damn years since you two had left Knockemstiff and ended up in a little town by the name of “Palatka.” It was home and it was just the way you liked it.

“Hey, hey? I’m right here, Arvin. We’re safe.” You raised your hand and placed it on his bare, sweating chest as it rasised and fell from his panting. His eyes finally adjusted to the darkness and he saw the concern on your face while he just stared back at you. “You alright there, hun?”

“Yeah...” Arvin sighed, wishing that he’d stop seeing the faces of the people he’d shot down all those years before, they always seemed to haunt him in his sleep. He leaned back against the wooden headboard he’d crafted himself and reached his hand out for yours. “Sorry, darlin’, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Your husband’s thumb trailed over the back of your right hand.

“It’s alright, I was just about to go check on Lenora anyways.” You gave him a kiss on the forehead and threw the covers off of yourself, swinging your legs off the side of the bed so you could get your slippers on. You shuffled out of your bedroom and across the squeaky floorboards, reaching the door of your daughter’s bedroom. Slowly cracking the door open, you tiptoed inside and found Lenora, still sound asleep in her bed.

She was a good namesake to her daddy’s late sister, you know she would’ve loved to meet her niece. What a shame it was, but at least you honored her memory the way you did. It was Arvin’s idea, after all. God, she looked so much more like Arvin every single day. You couldn’t help but smile as she let out a little moan while stretching in her sleep. And you couldn’t believe you created that, you were a mother with the man you loved most.

You made a stop in the kitchen real quick so that you could get your husband a glass of water, then went back on to your room. Arvin was now sitting there with his bedside lamp on, swiveling his head towards you as you came back inside and closed the door. “Water?”

“Please.” He reached out and grabbed the glass. “Thank you, y/n.” Arvin said into the glass before taking a sip and setting in down on the bare wood of the nightstand.

“Ahem.” You cleared your throat and cocked an eyebrow, leaving Avrin puzzled. “Coaster.”

“Right, sorry.” He lifted his glass up and put it on the coaster directly next to it. “There we go.” He told himself. You crawled back into bed and scooted closer to your husband, leaning your head on his shoulder and draping your arm across his body. He gently rubbed his rough, working hands over your upper arm and gave you a sweet kiss on the forehead. “How was Lenora?”

“She’s still asleep, thankfully.” You answered with a hopeful little smirk. Your daughter obviously wasn’t a sleeping angel every night.

“That sure is news.” He traced his finger back up your arm and to your chin, guiding it to move up so that you could face him. He placed his lips to yours and drew back ever-so-slightly. “You wanna fuck while we have a chance?”

“Yes, sir.” You whispered and he had spent no extra time jumping on top of you and getting right to work. Before becoming a parent, he never stopped to think about how he’d absolutely have to find the right time to do what he wanted, because the rest of that time was dedicated to caring for his kid in one way, shape or form. In the end, he didn’t mind a bit. Being a father and a husband were two things he’d loved more than life itself and he hoped that his parents would be proud of the man he’d become. But right now he just wanted to spend some time with his loving wife, and that’s that.

taglist: @ravenmoore14 // @purpleskiesstorm //

[hyukiee]

Chapter 7: Influences

warnings: heavy drug mention, cussing, if your uncomfortable with drug use i would stop reading this story NOW

at this point i’ll post when i post im sorry lol let me know if you want to be tagged though

“So do psychedelics really fry your brain?” Hoseok and Jimin have been bombarding you with question while they took a break from their practice. They really have never been around someone like you before. “Only if you do it a lot, many people do it once and never feel the need to do it again,” you will always have a soft spot for psychedelics. You’ve done them about ten times too many but you are a hippy at heart. “Hobi would actually be the most ideal person to do psychedelics, he’s very happy and open minded. I learned the hard way you really have to be in a good mindset for it.” “Wahh, that’s so cool I bet it’s a cool experience,” Jimin responded. It almost sounded like he wanted to try it, you should probably stop talking… the idea sounds fun though. Tripping with the 7 idiots. You absolutely love tripping with innocent ass people, it’s so much fun to watch but you don’t want to be a bad influence.

Psychedelics aren’t addictive though…

“How are you feeling today?” Taehyung asked hugging you tightly with his sweat covered body. “Mm, a lot better actually.” “That’s good, you look a lot better today as well.” “You really do, I thought you were dead when I saw you sleeping on the couch yesterday,” Jin piped in laughing like a window wiper. Taehyung got more and more comfortable being touchy with you around the members as time went by but it’s saying the least when you say you live with 6 cock blockers. Not even the lust inside you could keep your mind off the awful idea Jimin and Hoseok gave you. The usual you wouldn’t think twice about this but you have to admit you’ve gotten comfortable here. You don’t want to mess things up with the guys, ever. Well, maybe it could be a little secret between the three of you… No.

“So why were you so curious earlier ?” You hopped over to Hoseok’s side as he started walking out of the BigHit building. “Mm, it intrigued me, I think Jimin might actually do it someday.” He laughed shaking his head thinking about him. “Don’t you? One day..?” Hobi stopped in his tracks and looked at you. He looked up at the sky in thought before responding, “Maybe, I mean like you said, most people only ever do it once.” You felt like a terrible person right now. “I would love to do it with you, whenever you would want to… i’d be the best to be with actually.” Hobi laughed as he got into the van with you. “I’ll have to think about it.” “Really!?” Okay, maybe you shouldn’t of sounded that excited but really? “Yeah, I mean.. it’s just a one time thing,” He said giving you a small smile. “Do you think any of the other guys would want to do it?” “Oh yeah, all of them probably with a certain amount of convincing.” “REALLY!?”

Is it fucked up that you know exactly how to get the boys to do drugs with you? Maybe. Will it backlash? Probably. You already got Hoseok, Jimin will be easy, Jungkook will probably easily follow, then Hoseok could convince Namjoon and he can convince Jin and Yoongi. That leaves Taehyung. If you can manage your way into getting Taehyung to do it, your best hope would be getting everyone else on board first. You’re not really doing anything wrong, you want them to experience something awesome that shouldn’t hurt them. “Yah, y/n cut to the chase already,” Jimin teased you. You brought him and Hoseok into a room to start your mission, you were definitely stalling. “I kind of got an idea and thought it would be really cool if we all did LSD together just once,” you spoke quietly paranoid someone would walk by and hear you. “Ahh, I mean… it sounds pretty scary but i’m sure you got us covered … that actually sounds pretty fun,” Jimin basically thought out loud about your idea. Two down, five to go. “How would you get it anyways?” Hokseok asked getting a sudden realization that you are brand new to South Korea, you couldn’t of possibly found any drug dealers that fast. “Oh don’t worry, I can get that shit shipped easy,” Jimin gave you a look, silently wondering how you would know this but come on, it’s you. “By the way, how should I ask Jungkook?”

“Wah, isn’t that stuff dangerous? I mean, I don’t know what the hyung will think about it honestly,” Jungkook rubbed the back of his neck responding to the question fo the week. “Well, Jimin and Hoseok said yes,” “Really?” He responded kind of surprised, you weren’t the only one that didn’t suspect those two to be the ones to say yes. “Aren’t you supposed to be getting sober though?” He asked giving off a little suspicion. “I am, this one time won’t change that at all, don’t worry,” “Good luck convincing Tae that,” Jungkook laughed patting you on the back. You weren’t the only one that knew how impossible it will be to convince Taehyung either apparently.

The boys did you good convincing the others to get on board but now Taehyung is the only one unaware of the sceam that’s going on. If someone slips up before you get to him your screwed. He was out getting food for everyone so you were just impatiently sitting in the living room, pretending to watch TV. You kept looking at the front door before finally, your handsome man walked through the door. Yours. God, don’t fuck this up. “Hey baby, what are you watching?” He asked kissing you on your forehead before going to set the food down. “Ah, I don’t really know to be honest,” you nervously laughed. “Tae, can we talk for a bit?” You started to play with your fingers and shake your leg. “Of course, you have your doctors appointment tomorrow by the way.. for your medication,” You almost completely forgot about that. Which is kind of a good thing, drugs haven’t been the only thing on your mind recently. Maybe you should of fled the country a lot sooner. “So basically i’m scared to ask this but literally all the other guys want to do it and it’s 100% a one time thing we can all take it to our graves-“ “Y/n.. just ask,” Taehyung slightly laughed at your blushing face. “Would you want to do LSD with me and the boys, just once?” You couldn’t read his face. It’s usually really easy to read his face but right now you just can’t. “Even Namjoon hyung agreed?” He looked surprised, but not mad. “Yeah, it’s just once it could be a really awesome and spiritual thing to bring us all closer,” you spoke quietly still on edge about him getting upset with you. “Well i don’t want to be the odd one out… if you manage to get it i’ll do it,” he said patting your thigh with a slight smile. Did you just convince all of Bangtan to do LSD with you? You’ve reached a new fucking level.

“Guess who got her drugs, guess who got her drugssss,” you sang skipping into the dorm grabbing everyone’s attention. “What? The LSD or your prescription?” Jin barely made out with all the laughing. “Both actually smart one,” you smiled flicking Jin’s forhead. Today is Friday so it’d be the best time to trip with everyone. You’ve never prepared so much just to do drugs. You have all the playlists, pillows, and water prepared for today. You couldn’t sleep at all last night, you can’t remember the last time you were this excited to drop acid. “Okay, so everyone leave the living room so I can make the place a vibe because we are tripping tonight!” The smile stuck on your face almost felt like you were already tripping. “Really?” Jungkook jumped up showing his nervousness. “Yes and don’t worry, we’ll all have a talk before it happens. Now get the fuck out… respectfully,” You hopped over to Taehyung and kissed him on his cheek before pushing him away with the other guys.

“Wah, is all this really necessary?” Yoongi spoke looking into the living room. You basically made a big fort with everything they may need or want laid out nicely. The OCD deep inside you kind of kicked in but it looked fucking awesome. The boys came in one behind the other and everyone sat in a circle so you could give the whole run down of what to expect and just simply calm their nerves. You were so nervous your first time but it ended up being one of the most beautiful experiences in your life. You told them the Dos and Don’t dos as you passed out 7 colorful tabs of paper and explained what they’ll feel and for how long. “So we doing this?” you asked looking around at everyone.

“Fuck it,” Taehyung said looking at you winking. Your favorite phrase.

“Fuck ittt,” everyone repeated.

[pbandjesse]

I feel like today was a lost day but I know it actually wasnt. It just felt like a weird day. And I just had a guy I used to work with at ships come on my facebook and make me upset. But I unfriended him so whatever. He's just the type to like. Keep going. Like Im half expecting an email from him. Lets home not. 

I slept okay last night. And I woke up around 9 feeling okay. I just laid in bed for a long time playing on my phone. But eventually I did get up and I did make the bed and I did go get a shower and washed my hair. Made me feel a lot better about myself.

I sat with James and he read and then went to go do laundry. Somehow he fills our entire laundry and I have like 4 things in there. I dont understand how he makes so much laundry but he is working in a kitchen so it makes some sense. 

We had a nice morning. I had some of the leftover pizza. But I was unsettled. I changed my outfit like 5 times. I just couldnt get comfortable. James called the bike shop and my bike was ready to pick up. So it was decided we would walk there and then go to the BMA because they had a bunch of goats eating the overgrown hill. A program they have called "Goats on the Slope" incredible. 

It was chilly today. Like surprisingly so. I knew it was going to be a little rainy so I brought a raincoat but I ended up wearing it because I was cold more than anything. But it was a nice walk.

We ran into Mr Will and he said he's going to come by tomorrow to check out a weird thing in our bathroom closet. It wasnt to bad of a walk. I thought we had to go a differnt way but James showed me a secret staircase and we were there quickly. 

We waited outside, as no one is allowed in the shop. There were two other people there. The one got his son's bike quickly. The other was a woman and they came out and said they had bad news, they had realized one of the spokes on her bike wasnt fixed correctly. And she was like oh thank god I thought you were going to say you threw my bike away. That made me laugh. 

My bike was ready though! I havent ridden my bike since basically feburary. So I was a little nervous about my stamina but it ended up being fine. Well not as bad as it could have been.

We left and biked up to the museum. I had to stop once because my breaks were rubbing and I was like fighting my bike. But we sorted it out and that was fine. I did scream at a driver who decided it didnt matter that I had a green light. But soon enough we made it to the park. 

I was very out of breath though. I was overheated and shaking. I was uncomfortable. I had to sit down. 

James took our bikes and I went and sat on the stairs for a few minutes and drank some water. But man. I was uncomfortable. It was scary hyperventilating like that. I do not do well with hills. 

But once I was calmed down We walked over to see the goats. They were very cute. I hope to go back before they leave and I hope they are all eating the brush and having a great time. Only 2 goats were out of their little trailer. But I was glad we still went. 

James still had an hour until he had to be at work. I asked to go down to the bottom of the hill, I wanted to see how much brush the goats needed to eat. And so we did that. We got in a little argument about our ballots. Because I feel overwhelmed by it and I have asked for help but he just keeps telling me to fill it out and that isnt helpful! But finally I just said that this conversation was not helpful and we would table it. I didnt want to be upset. 

We sat on a wall and I enjoyed looking at the park. We talked for a while. And James said we had time to walk him to work if we left then. He would even have time to get a sandwich and a coffee. So off we went. 

It was a nice walk. Long but wasnt bad. I like that part of town. It is amazing to me how different the different neighborhoods are here. Its super redlined and generationally influenced. And Hopkins is a huge influence on the neighborhoods they occupy. And there is a lot of nature is that part of town. 

It was a nice walk. And soon we were in Hampden. I held our bikes while he went in Royal Farms and I people watched for a while. I thought about going to get a thai tea but the idea of going inside a cafe didnt feel good. I dont know why. Maybe next time. 

I said goodbye to James once we got to the restaurant. And off I went. I was happy to bike. I had a podcast. I was in a good mood. 

I followed the jones falls trail and its such a nice little path by the water. It reminds me of penny pack. I ended up parking my bike w Ihen I saw this bridge (James called it Hippy bridge when I texted him about it) that the fence was tore down on and was covered in graffiti. I climbed down the hill and sat on it high above the water. It was neat.  I hope I can get myself to go on more adventures like that. 

I took my time getting home. I stopped at a bench before a big hill. Took my time. Got home in one piece. 

I took a break when I got back here. I was overheated from the biking. But once I cooled down I felt a lot better. I chilled for a while. Laid with sweetP and read. But eventually I decided I wanted to go for a drive. 

I saw hi to Kimberly in the hall. And then drove out to Target. Lots of terrible drivers. It was rush hour I guess but people were just so mad they had to wait and kept trying to go around people? Obnoxious. I just enjoyed the drive. 

I went to target. Enjoyed wandering around. Picked up a few things. Got poptarts that are cinnamon pretzel flavored. So fancy. 

After I finished there I went to the art store to buy spray paint. To paint my bike. But I knew that was going to be a production. 

I had five guys. It was fine. But I have had five guys way to often lately. So I think I will be taking a break from that. But I sat in the car and ate and watched the sun set. Saw someone throw a cup out of their window. Terrible trashy behavior. I hate people who litter. Especially from their car. You are going to go somewhere with a trash can!! What is wrong with you!!!

I headed home after that. And then the sun was down and I was like. Very Unmotivated. But then someone upset me on facebook so to distract myself I started stripping the paint off my bike. 

This took forever. And honestly I could do more. But I worked on it for 2 hours. I used a blade and there are so many layers. My bike is so fat. But it was fun doing the work. I hope to paint it tomorrow but I think its going to have weird lumps. Well see how it goes. 

I have been hanging out since I finished cleaning up all the paint and trash. I just washed my face and had one of those poptarts. I think I am going to drink water and wait for James. I am very much ready for sleep. 

I hope you all have a good rest of the night. Take care of yourselves. Goodngiht. 

[ashflynns]

☄〔 HUNTER SCHAFER, TWENTY ONE, TRANS FEMALE, DREAM TRAVEL 〕╰ ASHLEY FLYNN just came over half - blood hill . you know , the child of HYPNOS who was claimed two months ago ? i’ve heard chiron say that she is PLAYFUL & EMPATHETIC , but if you ask the aphrodite kids , they’d say she’s LAZY & TACTLESS . i’d say they remind me of sleepy smiles and under-eye bags, messy buns and an unmade bed, running from your problems with bare feet & trying to hard to keep your friends but losing them anyway, especially since she’s FOR THE NEW CABINS . ( ✎ joey , 24 , she/her , bst . )

*insert nice graphic here aka for the love of god someone find me a photoshop link*

hi! its your resident sea witch joey here ready to bombard you with an encyclopedic knowledge of the greek pantheon and uk criminal law?? i guess??? if u dont already know, i’m the one with six (6) cats. i combined my task and intro because im LAZY and bad at intros so i’ll use paige’s stats as a crutch whoops. ash is the lazy laid-back stoner friend everyone needs. she has no trauma because she DOESN’t DESERVE IT so maybe the real trauma will be the friends we make along the way.

𝕓𝕒𝕤𝕚𝕔𝕤 .

name :  ashley finn

nicknames : ash, whatever cute names u wanna give her

birth date :  4th february (aquarius squad speak up!)

gender :  trans female

pronouns :  she/her

ethnicity : white

nationality : irish american

hometown : ?? idk american towns SUE ME but she’s from SOMEWHERE in oregon

demigod abilities : sleep manipulation, dream manipulation, dream travel

cabin number & godly parent :  cabin fifteen, hypnos

how did their godly parent meet their mortal parent? :  hlhglkhg so i thought it’d be funny if they met when ash’s mum participated in a sleep research study. i think i’m hilarious.

𝕞𝕦𝕤𝕖 𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕖 .

faceclaim : hunter schafer

height :  5′11″

hair colour : blonde

eye colour : blue/green.

dominant hand : leftie!

distinguishing features : her hair’s actually super curly she just straightens it a lot bc curly bedhead is a bitch to brush through in the mornings.

dress style : ugh this is gonna be hard to explain but like. you know those alt hippy stoner girls?? like that. likes baggy clothes and neutral colours. a lot of quote unquote ugly clothes with clashing prints. band t-shirts and whatnot.

𝕔𝕒𝕞𝕡-𝕣𝕖𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕕 .

go - to  weapon : HAH implying she willingly participates in capture the flag. she’d go for a xiphos because it’s the most basic dfkjg

ambrosia :  garlic bread. yeah she’s that kind of bitch

favourite camp location :  zephyros creek!

their opinion of their godly parent :  really unbothered tbqh. but she’s a very laid-back person to begin with. a ton of her school friends had absent dads. if she hadn’t come to chb so early then maybe the whole ‘i have powers with no explanation’ would’ve caused some resentment but hey, he’s a god. he’s a busy man. and being raised by a single mum made up most of who ash is, so it’s not like she’d change anything.

age they were claimed :  this year baby!

how they were claimed :  look dad’s timing was off but as far as he was concerned he claimed ash when percy made the deal. ash kinda always knew it was gonna be him so it was no surprise.

stance on the new cabins : for  the  new  cabins.

their opinion on lyssa pentelute :   as far as ash is concerned, lyssa’s whole shtick is just an excuse to shit on the kids who don’t have to suffer the same way she did. so, uh, she’s kind of a bitch? i have this in a bit more detail down below.

quests :  i’m gonna tentatively put no for now (unless anyone else on quests decides they’d like to have dragged ash along!)

𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕤𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝𝕚𝕥𝕪 .

positive traits : playful, empathetic, laid-back, friendly but not a pushover, patient

negative traits :  lazy, tactless, aloof,  spacey, struggles to express said empathy, lack of focus

mbti :  Iinfp-t, the mediator

alignment : neutral good

hogwarts house :  hufflepuff

kinsey scale : JUST ASK IF SHES A LESBIAN OKAY?? THE ANSWER IS YES.

archetype :  somehow she matched equally with the innocent child and the wise old man *insert so what is the truth meme*

what candle scent are they :  vanilla

goals & desires :  well this one was tricky bc ash is a simple girl with simple needs and really just doesn’t want anything to change. she wants a life without the pressures of work and commitment, but that’s just not gonna happen, is it? her short-term goals are to practice fighting that urge to stay in bed all day and try to be a bit more productive. it’s not going well.

fears : explained more below but basically she has a fear of destroying all her relationships due to a lack of connect with the world

hobbies : when she’s not napping? probably gaming, going on nature walks, baking treats.

habits :  biting nails is the worst one. spacing out. you know that thing where you just?? stop focusing your eyes?? but you’re still tuned in to the conversation? that.

𝕙𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕣𝕪 .

so hear’s the short version kfjglkdfgjd ( for NOW ):

ashley’s mum, niamh, is third-gen irish immigrant. ash didn’t have a luxurious life or anything. they mostly lived off benefits or whatever niamh could pick up from her extremely lucrative dog-walking business. how she met hypnos was a literal joke. they met when she participated in a fucking sleep study and i guess they hit it off. typical story of dad fucks off/single parent yadda yadda. there’s no real ~~trauma~~ to ash. yeah, transphobia sucks and high school really sucked all but her mum’s been super supportive since she first came out and no one at chb has given her shit yet. niamh’s still around and ash goes back home every couple of months to visit her. they have a pretty good relationship. it’s all cool.

i feel cliche saying she was a ‘dreamy’ girl but dreamy or spacey really is the best word for it. mixed with your typical demigod adhd you get a kid who really struggled with school. well, it’s not like she struggled - ashley’s a smart gal - but the teacher’s struggled with her. i guess it was hard for them to understand that ash actually does her best thinking when she’s asleep.

struggles to keep friends - maintains a persona of aloofness and apathy but actually cares way too much. the narcolepsy hinders her ability to form proper connections ( although she’ll argue the sCiEnTiFiCaLlY pRoVeN fAcT that napping with someone for half an hour does more to build trust than anything else ). and no one’s really that fond of ash popping into their dreams. maybe they shouldnt have so much to hide, huh?

her biggest ‘’’ inner struggle ’’’ shall we say is the pressure to be productive. let’s face it, she IS a lazy bitch, and that’s pretty much an inherited nature. getting a job sounds like hell, she sucks at combat training, she really could NOT be bothered with camp politics and god wars and whatever else. why can’t she just sleep and dream walk all day? monster’s are out there man, she’s gonna die some point soon anyway. but that doesn’t mean  she doesn’t feel guilty about it all. it’s kinda hard not to.

so, moving on to the ISSUE AT HAND. so when you walk through dreams and you sleep for 20 hours of the day, it’s not hard to figure out who your dad is, even if he never turns up. like, seriously, who else would it be? so yeah, sure. she was only claimed a couple of months ago. but she wasn’t completely in the dark like some of her other campers, and she respects that, truly. she got the luckier end of the stick and its not hard to understand the resentment among the minor demigods and the unclaimed.

HOWEVER, she’s very much FOR the new cabins. as explained above, lyssa’s a bitch whose taking her mummy issues out on others. ash loves bunking with the hermes kids but she’d like a space of her own and at the end of the day who the fuck is lyssa to make that decision?

𝕖𝕩𝕥𝕣𝕒 .

pinterest! (its a wip there’s not much IM SORRY)

spotify (now this is the one thing i will never let u down on)

wanted connections coming soon!

[writingforjoy]

Chapter One: The Interview

At long last, ladies and gentlemen, I give you a very rough draft of the first chapter of (Im)Mortal! I hope you enjoy~

p.s I promise it looks better in docs💀🤦🏽‍♀️

@orchidalienscribbler @alexprompts @rhikasa @morganwriteblr @stephrawlingwrites @wiseauthorowl @givethispromptatry

       Mallory and I were over my cousin Cassidy’s house one weekend, working on a project that neither of us like and only Cassidy had experience with. We were in Cas’ room when Mallory shot up from Cas’ bed and looked at me with a huge grin on her face. “Hey bruh, let’s do something while we wait on Chef.”

The smile on her face told me that whatever she was planning had to be worth getting into trouble. “What is it my bold and bored friend?”

“Let me interview you.”

“Seriously? Right now?”

“Yeahp. Just tell me your life story…okay maybe not, like, yo whole life but the um...most eventful? Yeah we’ll go with that.”

I shook my head and laughed. “Wooow, okay then. Should I include Skyla or nah?”

“Was the meeting eventful?”

“I found her in the woods. She liked me. I liked her. Then she became my precious baby lamb.”

“Save it for our next interview. It’ll be our pet edition.”

“Alright, cool. Ssoooo...how am I starting this off?”

Mallory rolled her eyes and tossed one of Cas’ pillows at me. “Witcha name ya dumb duck!”

“Rruuuuuude. ...But what about her?”

She sat quietly on the bed, thinking about the question. “Ummm...I don’t know? Just roll with it I guess?” She took her phone out and started recording me as I fidgeted around on the floor messing with our dying project.

“Okay then, here goes nothing.” I took a deep breath to relax myself. “Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down and I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there, I’ll tell you how I became the demon of a town called Easthaven.”

“Okay, Will, let’s get it then!” She said laughing.

My name is Helouise. I was born with clay-red skin, eyes the color of golden topazes, and raven black hair. I’ve been told a few times that ‘Helouise’ wasn’t supposed to be my name, but ‘ELouise’ instead to kinda match my mom’s name ‘Ellen’. So whoever wrote my name on my birth certificate misheard her completely. Lucky for them I had a great grandmother with that name. So my whole name is ‘Helouise Nevaeh Piercemen’, which I think is kinda amusing. My middle name, ‘Nevaeh’, is ‘Heaven’ spelled backwards.

         Growing up I was known as the ‘Problem Child’, as most other parents called me. I honestly was a hot-headed little girl. Whenever I would throw a tantrum, my parents would often give me ‘soothing potions’ calm me down. To some parents’ disbelief, I wasn’t as spoiled as they thought I might’ve been. My parents raised me just as like any other parents would raise their own children (just a little bit overprotective), but I didn’t feel as if they actually loved me all the time. So I would call them ‘Mother’ and ‘Father’ to irritate them often. It didn’t bother them much as I had hoped though, they just laughed it off.

“Pfft, but why would you do that?” Mallory asked through her giggles.

“Bruh I don’t know! I was an evil lil shit I guess.” I said laughing with her.

         When I first started school in fourth grade, all the other kids there just stared or stayed away from me. I could tell that they were afraid of me. I was afraid of them too honestly. I was homeschooled at first, and had never been to a school before until then. Someone had talked my parents into thinking that I should go out and make friends, prove to people that I’m not as weird or awkward as they thought I was. So, I was just as scared of my classmates as they were of me. I wasn’t wearing my shades back then, so I believe that it was mostly the color of my eyes that either scared people away or was the reason I got bullied a lot. No one stood up for me except my new teacher Ms. Wrangler. The old one mysteriously disappeared one day and she was there the next day. She was always there to comfort and protect me from the other kids, she was the nicest person to me in to whole school. She had always made me feel special at the end of the day, telling me that I had nothing to worry about as long as I stayed with her. On days when I didn’t eat in the cafeteria, she would go out and buy me food to eat and we’d eat in the classroom together. She would even buy me things ‘just because’, and told me not to tell anyone. I really liked her, I felt more love from her than I did either of my parents, so I did what I was told. Then one day she told me that she wanted to take me somewhere special and that I would need permission from my parents to go. So, she handed me a slip saying that the class was going to the local science museum.

On the day of the ‘field trip’, we didn’t go to the science museum. She took me to a park outside of town and said that we were going on a nature walk. Whenever she looked at me, I thought it was funny that her eyes had changed from their normal bright blue color to red, but I was young and didn’t know better. Later that evening she said that today was going to be my last day with her. I didn’t understand what she meant and couldn’t ask, somehow I had blacked out after that. All I remember after that is waking up in my dad’s car, being held tightly by my mom with her crying ‘I won’t…not again’, then I went back to sleep.  We moved from our first home later that week with the help of my uncle. I tried asking them what happened to my teacher, but all they would say was ‘We’ll explain it when you’re older’.

After being homeschooled again for a few years, and after being told some strict rules and to never take off my shades for anyone, I was allowed back into school. I was in high school by then, and I was lucky enough to make a few friends, even though others continued to stare and judge me whenever they thought I wasn’t around or couldn’t hear them, but I didn’t care as much as I did when I was little. So I thought things were finally looking up for me. Then again, what would high school be without a few surprises?

         One day while I was in biology class, I was called into the office and was told that my dad was coming to pick me up.  Since it was close to Christmas break, I thought we were taking an early vacation, but as soon as my dad got there and we made it to the hospital, all thoughts of any vacations were gone. For fourteen years, I’ve been alone and gotten used to being an only child, then my parents decided to go and add a new kid in the mix. I was never fond of the thought of having a sibling, let alone a sister, and this one caught me by surprise. I never noticed mama’s stomach getting big (even though she was a ‘stay at home mom’) and they never told me. They said that they wanted to surprise everyone. When I first saw the baby, she had deep blue eyes and rosy cheeks, and small tufts of hair that looked so shiny at the time they thought it was golden. She was such a beautiful baby…I didn’t like her. I hated how normal and happy she looked. Then they told me her name. They named her Rose.

A beautiful name for a baby girl. Was I so ugly when I was born that my parents let me have an ugly name? I thought to myself. Is she even that pretty to deserve a name like that?

I was so angry that I started to hate Rose. She looked normal and they gave her a normal name, and the way that they were looking at her, with so much love and affection, made me hate her even more. Mama tried giving Rose to me, but I didn’t take her. I was too angry. Then my dad rushed over to me, held me close while brushing my hair back, and told me to calm down before I set off the alarms. I pushed him away and ran out the room, I ran into the nearest bathroom I could find and curled up in the corner of it and cried. I cried from the anger and from the feeling that my parents weren’t happy with me, let alone loved me. A moment later, my dad opened the door and peeped in. When he saw me, he came and hugged me, saying things like ‘We still love you’ and ‘We thought you’d be happy to have a little sister or brother’ and other things that I barely heard. Once I stopped crying, I noticed a burned hole on his jacket and asked how that happened. He laughed and said his stupid cigarette lighter button had been pressed earlier when he wasn’t paying attention. Daddy was a frequent smoker, so I believed him. He brought me back into mama’s freezing room. I still didn’t want to hold Rose, but I was curious about her cheeks. So I asked mama if I could touch them, and she said yes. I placed a finger on one of her cheeks and jumped back a little as she laughed at me. Rose’s cheeks were ice cold. She said that it was just the room, but it didn’t matter. I still didn’t like her, and I had already made up my mind that I wouldn’t have anything to do with her (as less as possible anyway).

The next surprise, which I’d like to call ‘The Train Wreck’, happened almost immediately after I turned sixteen a few months ago. The first thing was that Rose’s hair wasn’t blonde after all, but instead it was white like our dad’s hair. I figured that it was some genetic mutation like the color of me and Mama’s eyes. Another thing was that I actually kind of liked the idea of having a sister and I kinda liked her, even though she was a brat at times. The last thing happened one day after school. My parents, Rose, and I were meditating in the basement (well Rose was half-asleep holding her new, blueberry scented teddy bear). I was really thinking about the ugly sofa that Mama had bought last week. For the first time ever, I had a few friends coming over to study and hang out in a few days, and the first thing they would see when they came in would be that disgusting, over brightly dyed hippie couch. My parents needed a new couch, but couldn’t really afford one after they had redecorated Rose’s room. I knew and understood that, but the couch was so damn hideous that the neighborhood cat my parents like to let in every so often wouldn’t even piss on it.

There has to be a way to talk them into getting new couch! I’ll be embarrassed for life if my friends saw that hideous thing. They need to get rid of it! Uugh, I hate that stupid looking couch!

If you hate the couch as much as you say you do, then do something about it. I jolted my head up and scanned the room, but no one else was there other than my folks, so I thought that I was just imagining things. You’re not imagining it, I’m the…’other’ you, I’ve just woken up from a peaceful sleep. If you hate the couch then get rid of it.

What do you mean ‘the other me’? And just how am I gonna to get rid of it?

Haven’t you figured it out yet? The reason why you look the way you do. Don’t you think you were destined to do something great in your life? I’m the…’special’ side of you. An active subconscious, if you like. We’re a special girl Helouise. Did you know that we can manipulate fire?

“I can do what?!” I blurted out. Mom and Dad looked at me with startled faces and Rose fell over backwards. I quickly apologized and went back to trying to meditate.

The subconscious giggled. Of course we can, all you have to do is concentrate on the couch, speed up the molecules, and imagine it bursting into flames… or something along the lines like that at least.

I don’t think that’s a good idea. I mean, what if instead of burning the couch I, and I hope it doesn’t happen, burn down the house?

What do you have to lose? Our parents got the extended warranty or whatever on it anyway and if something does happen to it, they have the money to get a new one! You could even convince them to get something better than that. And what if the house burns down? It’ll be even better since you’ll be able to get a better house than this dump we’re in now. Besides, no one will get hurt in the process, we’re not that strong yet, promise~

I thought it over on what she said and decided to give it a shot. If she’s right then no one will get hurt and we’ll be getting a new couch. I wished that I was going crazy, but I hated the couch so much that I started imagining myself setting fire to it. It’d be a win-win for me if everything went ok. Minutes later, the smoke alarm went off. We rushed upstairs into the living room and saw that the sofa was on fire. Daddy rushed to get the fire extinguisher in the kitchen while Mama set Rose down and ran to the hallway to try and activate the sprinklers and yelled for me to watch Rose who was already stumbling towards the blazing couch. I, on the other hand, stood there watching in amazement.

See?! You did it! Don’t try to stop it now, just let the couch burn!

I can’t just let it burn! I’m gonna try to stop it now, it’s burned enough anyway. And besides, Rose will get hurt if she gets to close. I thought after I yanked Rose away from the couch and set her beside me.

Then let her burn too. You never liked her anyway; she’s nothing but a pest. Remember, she’s the one that replaced you and took what little love your parents had for you. It’ll be all over quickly if you push her into the fire. Just push her towards it and hold her there. She’ll be the only one being burned if that’s what you’re worried about. Haven’t you realized yet that temperature doesn’t affect you? So if you touch it, you won’t get burned genius.

Are you insane?! It doesn’t matter if I like the little brat or not, she’s my sister! I can’t kill her, Mama and Daddy would kill me if I did!

ONLY because you killed what was precious to them! Think about it: they don’t love you anymore, they don’t care about you, and you know it. That’s why they replaced you.  …Look at you, if you really couldn’t kill her like you said, then why are you slowly pushing her towards the fire?

I looked down to see that Rose was only inches away from the fire again, but it was me pushing her towards it. “Rose you little idiot!” I yanked her back again and took several steps back from the couch.

Why don’t you just go ahead and do it? You were almost there; she could’ve been dead by now! You can’t deny the fact that you want to kill her.

“Shut up and leave me alone!” I said loudly. Okay Helouise, just take some deep breaths, and concentrate on the fire…and don’t touch Rose. I concentrated on the fire on the sofa, and imagined the flames getting smaller. Then Mama and Daddy finally came back just in time to see that I was already making the fire go away. They stood there with a worried look for a moment, and then asked me calmly if I was the one who put the fire out.

“Yes, but I caused it too. The thing is I don’t know exactly how I did it, I just” -Maybe I shouldn’t tell them about the voice…maybe I’m just going insane- “I just thought about burning the sofa like the voice said at first and then making the fire small. But why did this have to happen in my junior year, just when everyone was thinking I was normal, just when they finally accepted me? Why am I hearing this cynical voice inside me head?!” I cried while looking at them. They told me that they knew I was going to have my powers fully awakened, just didn’t know when. Then they told me that I had fire-powers since I was young and that I just couldn’t remember them. Then I showed signs of it when I was about three and threw terrible tantrums. Then I remember the day that Rose was born, when Daddy was telling me about the alarms and came into the bathroom with the hole on his jacket, and then I became angry.

“So that day when Rose was born, tell me Father, what did you mean about the alarms? And what really happened to your jacket?” I asked looking directly at him. His face went from a calm expression to a shocked one as he mumble something about my eyes. “I didn’t ask about my eyes, tell me what really happened the day that Rose was born!” I yelled. He told me that when I was upset, my hair was slowly turning into flames and I was standing by some posters that were right under the smoke detector. Then he told me that when I pushed him away, I burned a hole through his jacket and almost his shirt. Then Mama started speaking, but I couldn’t hear her, my mind was too busy processing what I just heard. They lied to me, that’s why they kept giving me those potions when I was younger; they knew something was wrong about me from the very beginning! I’m just a weird accident to them; they never loved me enough to tell me the truth.

To be honest, they probably never really loved you at all. Why else do you think they had her Helouise? Don’t you remember how they were looking at her and how pretty she was?

I remembered how they were looking at Rose in that hospital room and became infuriated. That’s why they had another child, they never loved me, they probably never even wanted me in the first place, they wanted a normal, beautiful girl! Another little girl that they could truly love! I felt Rose trying to give me her teddy bear, but I was too angry and knocked it away from her and she began to cry.

“Helouise, look what you’ve done!” Mama called out rushing past me.

“So what if the stupid bear is burning?!” I cried wiping the tears from my face. “You two lied to me almost all my life and then tried to replace me with that stupid brat! And now all you care about is some stupid bear and-” I looked behind myself to point at Rose, but I stopped as mama rushed past me again with Rose in her arms, holding and kissing on her hand. I noticed a small burn mark on Rose’s wrist as she did. I just burned my sister. “Oh my god, I’m sorry! It was an accident, I swear!” I can’t believe I burned my little sister.

It felt good, didn’t it Helouise?

What did?

Setting things on fire, and of course, burning your sister. Feel a little proud of yourself, don’tcha?

…Just leave me alone.

I knew you’d enjoy that. You can’t hide it from me.

Will just go away already?!

Just think of how great you’d feel if you would just kill the lil brat already! It’d be fun, you’d-…wait a minute…do you smell that Helouise? It smells like we’re not the only one with magic in here. Helouise, we gotta have that power.

Suddenly my dad came up behind me and placed his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t touch me!” I yelled, bumping into the hanging fern and causing it to burn too.  Then I moved away from him and the fern.

That’s it! That’s where the power is coming from! You can take his power for yourself if you touch him. Drain his power. That’s all it takes.

I do want that power. Why haven’t I noticed it before?

You never noticed because he knows how to conceal his power, and you couldn’t sense it, you didn’t know how to sense other people's magic. But now that I’m awake, we can sense other peeps magic a little!. All you have to do to get their power is drain it from them.

…I really do want that power; it smells sooo good. Whatever it is, I need that power.

Then drain him. I reached for my dad’s hand pretending to want to hold it for comfort. Kill Daddy for his magic. I drew my hand back quickly before grabbing his hand. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

ARE YOU CRAZY?! “Dad get away from me!”

 JUST KILL HIM!! 

“I can’t kill my Dad!” As bad as I wanted his power, I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t kill my own dad. He told me to calm down but I couldn’t. “Daddy, I just made our couch and our fern get on fire, and I burned my little sister and her bear! I can’t calm down! And look,” I pointed frantically towards the couch and the fern. “The couch is burning again and the fern is still on fire! I can’t control them!” I said panicking. He stepped towards me again with his hands out saying that everything was going to be ok.

He’s practically giving you his hands, just take them and kill him!!

“NO!!”

His power could be ours and we could be stronger!

“Daddy get back! I know you have powers I can smell it and the voice is trying to make me kill you for it and I’m trying not to so please just stay back!” We looked at the smoke alarm that finally went off and the built-in sprinklers turned on, but when I looked at the flames on the couch, nothing happened to the flames.

Quick! Do it now while he’s distracted!

“WILL YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!” I shouted out flailing my hand out, pushing nothing away, and letting a fireball fly out of my once empty hands onto the faded blue curtains. Still the water from the sprinklers couldn’t make the fire die out. “See?! Even the water can’t put it out! What if the fire spread? What’s going to happen if the firefighters come and they can’t put it out? What if-” Then he swiftly approached me again and grabbed my shoulders, and an immense chill overcame me that caused my knees to buckle. Then he told me to calm down again, only more sternly. He told me that they know it was an accident.  It was their fault for not telling me about my magic sooner. He let me go and told me to look back at the couch. I looked at the smoldering couch and then turned quickly to see the burnt fern and the burnt curtain. He told me that I could do anything as long as I was calm. Then he reached into his pocket, pulled out his lighter and tossed it towards the couch. He said that if the firefighters did come, they‘d find that, so I could stop worrying about them trying to find out who did it or what would happen if they stayed to long.

I looked back towards the kitchen where my mom and Rose were coming from and saw she had put some of the homemade healing salve on Rose’s wrist. I looked back to my dad and he told me that everything would be all right, then Mama said that we would start practicing to control my emotions and magic tomorrow.

The next day, to make sure that Rose didn’t get hurt or learn about our magic ‘too early’, my parents called and told my grandmother, my dad’s mother, what happened and asked if she could keep Rose for a while. She agreed, and she when she came over she smelled the same way as daddy did; just slightly different, but definitely stronger. The same urge came over me to drain her too as she and my dad walked in the house, but mama held on to me, and told me to focus on her scent and to tell her what it smelled like. Then Granny looked over at us with disgust as Daddy showed her to Rose’s room, and to tell her what was going on. I could feel the anger building up as she glared at us, but Mama covered my eyes and nose and told me repeatedly to calm down as she rocked me. A moment after she did that, we could hear Rose crying upstairs. She wasn’t willing to leave at first, but soon they convinced her that it was only for a little while, and that she was going to have a lot of fun with our granny. So she left with her, and it was just me and my parents once.

Afterwards, my parents told me the truth. The whole truth. First, they told me about the color of my eyes. Mom said that everyone on her side, including me, had the exact same eyes and that we’re demons, and the voice I heard was actually my inner demon, like an active conscious of sorts, that was implanted, given, or something by our many great grandfather, Guidry. She also said that some demons were born with the natural instinct to kill, to be truly ‘evil’, and they were mostly always the ‘upper level’ ones, but for us it was different and she couldn’t exactly explain why. Daddy said he wasn’t a demon, but he wasn’t a witch (or warlock…wizard, whichever they classify themselves as) either, but he could subdue people with a single touch. They didn’t know about Rose yet, and only time would tell if she’s was going to grow up to be normal or like one of them. Then Mama told me what happened Ms. Wrangler, and why I had to start wearing shades in public. Ms. Wrangler was a demon too. Everyone on mama’s side of the family were being hunted by other demons. They feared that we would become over powerful or somehow immortal, so they would catch and take us to the Upper Council where we’d either die from enslavement or something else entirely. So for whatever reason Ms. Wrangler had tried to kidnap me for, the end result wasn’t going to be good.

When Mama noticed that my scent had gone outside the city, they came after me. They saved me and had to kill Ms. Wrangler and the other demons that was there, and that’s why we had to move. Then Mama started blaming herself for not going to meet the woman herself when she first came into town.

After that, she helped me to gain control of my new ability and to quiet the voice inside. They had me to train with my power everyday. Soon, I was able to create fires and make them go away at will. The voice was still there, but she didn’t talk as much after that.

But still my grandmother didn’t bring Rose back. Mama called and asked her why, then I heard her gasp from the kitchen and I went to see what happened. I watched her as she was listening to whatever Granny was saying, and then she finally said that she understood and hung up the phone. Mama never told me what happened, but only said that we could visit her whenever we wanted. I thought that Rose had either gotten really sick or this had somehow became a custody battle. Even though I never really liked the brat at times, it still hurt to hear that Rose wasn’t coming home, and it made me feel that with my power being ‘fully awakened’, my granny didn’t trust for me to be around her. I regretted being a demon at all that day despite what the voice said otherwise. I saw no point in having this power if it only caused my parents pain and having my sister taken away. I could tell that her not being able to come back home yet had broken their heart. Then I promised myself that when she comes back, I would be the best big sister ever.

         “Wow...just wow. Why didn’t you tell me all this before?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I guess I don’t like talking about it much.”

“Fair enough. Now just a few questions. Just two, I think, if you don’t mind ma’am?”

“Shoot.”

“You said that your Dad’s power had a scent? Is it just him or what?”

“Well, it’s more of a scent for him and not his magic? Like, I can smell it even when he’s not using it. And no, everyone has their own scent. I think I’m just now...paying attention to it? I mean, I probably noticed his and Mama’s scents before but never just...thought about it, if that makes sense?”

“Cool. So what’s my scent?”

“A sweet little cupcake.” I laughed as she groaned. “It’s not chocolate though, friend~”

“Thank you Jesus.” She mumbled. “Now, what about Rose? When was the last time you saw her?”

“We see each other everyday, sometimes Granny would bring her over, or we’d go over there to visit. Sometimes I don’t go though, cause I still don’t think she likes me.”

“That sucks. Do you still feel like you want to...you know, take their magic? Or anyone else’s?”

I shifted around the floor. “No comment.”

“Damn bruh...savage.” I snorted at her attempt to make things better. “So, final question! Do you think this is the end of your epic adventure? Has everything finally calmed the fuck down for you?”

“Oh my God yes and I hope it stays just like this forever.”

Silly girl, if you believe that then you should really know better. This is just the beginning of our adventure.

[stereoskopiandaydream]

catradora thing

(After a battle where catra used a modified version of the infection disk that she could remotely turn on and off)

(Yes there’s a lot that kinda gets glossed over sorry)

——

“You know, i realized this is never going to end. I realized it that time i corrupted you, Ms. She-Ra. That was when I realized just how strong and how indomitable She-Ra really is. You have so much power, and yet, you only use just enough to fend me off. You never swing fast enough that I can’t dodge or jump back. You never hit me hard enough to knock me out. You never actually try, you’ve just been pulling your punches this whole time. Almost reminds me of training back in the fright zone.”

“Why are you telling me this? Why did you deactivate the infection if you don’t want me pulling my punches? I don’t-“

“Oh Adora, big, dumb, heart-of-gold Adora. I did this so maybe? Just maybe? We can actually get somewhere. I know that while you’ve got me in your hands, i can’t go anywhere unless you let me go, and I know you won’t go anywhere while you have the slightest chance of bringing me back with you.”

“What’s to stop me from just taking you with me right now?”

“The fact that without you, your allies? The princesses? They aren’t competent enough to beat the horde. They aren’t ruthless enough, they haven’t suffered enough. And i brought my angriest, hungriest soldiers today. Orders are to capture if possible, kill if necessary.”

“But I could just have them surrender by holding you up by the scruff of your neck and waving you around.”

“They don’t care about me. I gave them the orders long ago that should I be captured or killed in combat, they were to simply kill anything that wasn’t horde on sight. And you can hear that the sounds of battle have stopped for a while now. If your princesses had won, that have come running to you by now. My men won’t try to find me. Waste of time and resources.”

“You’re not a waste of time and resources!”

“Well you left so i must be! Actions speak louder than words Adora.”

“I wanted you to come with me! I gave you so many chances, and... hell, even now, if you decided to come with me right now - i mean you said it yourself the horde wouldn’t even look for you! There’d be no one to get you in trouble, none of shadow weaver’s bullshit, none of Hordak’s bullshit, just you and me, in the alliance. Honestly, I don’t even know why you stay in the Horde.”

Catra let out a sigh.

“Do you want to know why?”

“Yes! Of course!”

“Because... because i might have joined you in the rebellion. When you first left, if you’d just let me go with you that night. I’ve thought about it a lot. But no. You said, cover for me catra, and like a dumb little fucking idiot, i tried to, even though shadow weaver knew you were gone. I still lied to her, and i still got in even more trouble and as time went on I was wondering where you were. Worried you’d been captured by princesses, or worse. And you never tried to get back to me. You never tried for me, you just wanted me to try for you, you wanted me to give up for you. I’m done trying for you, Adora. I mean, I wanted you back so badly i nearly got killed by Hordak for it.”

“Yeah but if you come back with me, nobody’s going to hurt you, and even if they did try, I wouldn’t let them.”

“Ha! That’s such bullshit, Adora! You would only be willing to fight the princess alliance for me if they tried to hurt me? Then please, tell me, what have you been waiting for? Every time we fight, that talking purple glitterbomb tries to kill me, and so does her robinhood sidekick, and that hippy chick and everybody else too.”

“Yeah but-”

“Yeah but what? Yeah but what, Adora? Come on, for crying out loud, get real! You’re so used to having things your way that the thought of anyone else getting their way, especially me getting mine? It pisses you off. You just want everything to be easy, just handed to you on a silver platter, and-“

“Yes I do want it to be easy! I don’t wanna fight you anymore, i never even wanted to fight you in the first place! I thought you’d be happy to leave the horde, and yeah, maybe i did get special treatment from shadow weaver-“

“Maybe?”

“Okay, yes, she gave me special treatment, but it wasn’t all fun and games just cuz she liked me, it was constant pressure, just, this expectation to be perfect and anytime I failed it was... it was horrible”

“Well all i ever did was fail even when i didn’t. Even when I got the same grade as you or the same time on a training sim, it didn’t matter and not just because you were there and somehow infinitely better in every way just because you were Adora, but there was always something wrong with my work. There was always something wrong with me. And she made sure to tell me. That was pretty fucking horrible too. But i guess the worst part wasn’t where shadow weaver was an evil fucking asshole to me, it was the part where you just sat there quietly and let her, or godsdammit, those times when you agreed with her? Are you kidding me? “You were being disrespectful” yeah, so? When has she ever treated me with enough respect to deserve any back? Huh?”

“Well, you never tried to help me either! I nearly broke under the pressure!”

“I nearly broke under the pressure too!”

“You just said- you just- i mean you didn’t have that pressure because no matter what you did shadow weaver never thought it was good enough”

“Is that... are you... like - ugh. Did you really think i didn’t have any expectations for myself? I knew i was at least as good as you, and you did too, the one time you vouched for me. Plus, that’s kind of a shitty thing to say, isn’t it?

“Oh you were a failure in her eyes so why would you feel any pressure to succeed?” Really Adora? Really?”

“I-“

“Just shut up.”

“Hey!”

“Hey what?!” Catra snapped.

“That’s rude!” Adora blurted out.

They both sat there for an incredulous moment before the two of them burst out into laughter.

“That’s - that’s rude???”

“I know, i know thats one of the dumbest things ive ever said”

“We’re screaming our hearts out on a battlefield where people have been killed and you think being told to shut up is rude?”

“No. Not really. It was more the part where you cut me off.”

“Not like i was interrupting anything important.”

“Actually... yeah, you did.”

Catra looked at She-Ra.

“I was... i was going to say sorry.”

“Why would that matter to me?”

“Because I am.”

“Sounds like-“

“Bullshit, I know.”

“Hey, that’s rude.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.”

“I’m sorry. I-“

“I said-“

“No, shut up and let me say this. I mean it,” Adora’s voice softened a little, still tough, but gentler. “I’m sorry for leaving you behind. I see it now. That’s my fault. It was dumb going alone anyway, but what was dumber was leaving you behind in that hellhole with shadow weaver. I just. I guess I thought that just because you’re strong enough to handle whatever shadow weaver threw your way that it was okay to leave you. But now I know - and yes, i know it’s too late - but now I know that just because you’d be okay didn’t make it okay. And I’m sorry for trying to put this all on you. It’s not your fault. Like you said, I left, and I didn’t come back. I’m just,” she grimaced mid sentence, “im just kicking myself, thinking about what i did, how I went about things. You should have been the first thing on my mind. You should have been the only thing on my mind, and i don’t know. I guess I let myself get all caught up in... in trying to live up to all these new expectations all of sudden that i forgot about what was truly important.”

“If it was truly important, then you wouldn’t have forgotten about it.”

“Catra!”

“What, am i being rude again?”

“Actually? Yeah. I’m trying to say sorry for what I’ve done, and you’re just... you’re just throwing it out the window like it means nothing to you!”

“And? It doesn’t mean anything to me Adora. Anyone can say sorry. Anyone can admit what they’ve done wrong. But only the people who really are sorry for what they’ve done will actually go out of their way to fix it. Only people who are really, truly sorry, who actually want to make things right? They’re the only one who actually try. And you’re not trying.”

“I am trying!”

“Doesn’t look like it to me. Actually it looks like you’re crying to me. Poow wittew baby adowa, cwies whenevew she doesnt get hew own way, wah wah wah, get over it. You never really cared about me. I was just some charity case for you to make yourself feel good. Stop crying and let me go.”

“Fine. I’ll let you go.”

She-ra picked Catra up, and threw her by the collar into the air.

Catra landed on her feet, gave She-Ra one last glare, and disappeared into the smoke.

“Godsdammit.”

She-ra fell to her knees and hit the ground a small little blonde teen in a Horde uniform again.

“Godsdammit.”

[xadial]

You got me to do them, your turn!! I dont care i you havent reblogged them, im asking you ALL the hozier asksssss

welcome to ramble city

‘Hozier - How tall are you?

you’re so cruel hmph. the top of my head would be 1068′ 1.5″ off the ground if i was stood riiiight on top of the eiffel tower

Wasteland, Baby! - Have you ever fallen in love?

that’s a very very strong word to me and i didn’t let myself feel anything at all until a few years ago, which is weird to say but it’s true in a sense. the answer is complicated i guess? i had one crush for so long that it just pissed me off eventually, and then there’s the shallow kind of ‘oh she’s pretty’ crush i’ve had on a few girls. there’s only been one time where i thought i genuinely might if i got to know them well enough and it’s the most terrifying thing i’ve ever felt. (all of it was however an excellent boost to the amount of poetry i wrote dskjfghsd)

Nina Cried Power - What protest, today or in history, do you wish you could write a thank you note for?

i mean stonewall is the only one i can think of? extinction rebellion is sort of a contentious one because while they do an incredible job they did plan to disrupt heathrow airport by flying drones around it which is going to lose them a whole load more public support than it’s going to gain them

Almost (Sweet Music) - What’s your favorite style of music? Favorite song off this album?

ohhh! lots of complicated percussion/instrumentals in the background (think gold or believer by imagine dragons) and i have a soft spot for violins that can make you feel such powerful but intangible emotions (like in the intro to ‘cypress queen’ by the last buffalo). my favourite song off this album? i can confidently say that they will all in turn be my favourite, one by one, when the universe thinks i need them.

Movement - If you could move anywhere in the world at this very moment, with no restrictions, where would you move to and what lifestyle would you live?

i’ve thought about this one for a while and i honestly don’t know. i wouldn’t want to be in the type of suburbs where grey suddenly becomes the only emotion and you can taste the futility of life every time you breathe (which is a lot of places, my home probably included but for the fact i’ve lived there all my life so i see it as an exception). i wouldn’t want a mansion or a massive house? just somewhere cozy, probably, but for me i think having good friends live with or near me would be the most important thing. oh but very little light pollution and an awesome view of the stars and maybe the aurora borealis/austrialis 

No Plan - What’s one spontaneous thing you did that you have good memories of?

i managed to sneak out at one in the morning to meet a friend who was high on mdma. i know i’m tiny and i should be more scared for my wellbeing than i am but it’s such an incredible, ethereal time and if the world wasn’t slightly rotten at the core i’d go on so many walks around that time. plus mdma makes you really really affectionate and sappy so i was just walking next to a compliment machine with free weed for three hours, which is a very rare and novel experience

Nobody - What’s your favorite thing to do when no one is around?

be ten times more gay and also do a fuckton of spontaneous dancing/humming/singing, also talk to myself at full volume, and also be utterly unpresentable and thoroughly enjoy it

To Noise Making (Sing) - Do you play an instrument or sing? Do you want to learn an instrument?

i do sing. i sing as well as i play football, and in year two (i was five or six) my infant school brought in football coaches, and we were given instructions for some simple moves, and i was enjoying myself when i was called up to the front by the coaches to show the rest of the year my Moves, so i showed them all proud and stuff until a few seconds later the coach pointed at me and said, ‘watch this kids! now you know what not to do!’. everyone can sing. some never should.

As It Was - If you could go back in time with the knowledge you had now, but you had to redo the last ten years over again, would you?

honestly i don’t know. i hate how i was for a good five years of that past ten but i’m very happy with my life as it is right now, so i’d only do it if i knew i’d end up with the same friends (and maybe slightly better grades fsdjfkgsk)

Shrike - What’s your favorite plant or flower?

i don’t have a specific one but apple blossoms, sakura trees and willow trees are definitely special to me. i also love forget-me-nots becuase, huh, that’s half my life summed up. AAAARGHHH i swear i have a favourite but i can’t remember it for the life of me!! (also!! my parents caved to my hippie bee-loving attitude and they’re planting pretty much all the grassy space in my back garden with wildflowers which i’m ecstatic about too, we got enough seeds to cover it all for like £8)

Talk - Who is one writer/artist/creator that you wish you could talk to, dead or alive?

okay i know richard feynmann is a physicist but he wrote books too so technically it counts if i say him. i have so many fucking questions and so little time and if there’s a guy to argue about quantum physics about it’s him

Be - Where is your favorite place to be? In general? Right now?

i want to be home in my room with its incredibly messy decorations and slightly precarious bookshelves with a couple of my friends, in winter, snowing outside because climate change is a thing of the past, curled up with fleeces and hot chocolates watching either killing eve or otherwise something heartwarming and also gay

Dinner & Diatribes - If you could give an angry speech to anyone in the world right now, dead or alive, with no interruptions, who would it be?

ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro ben shap*ro be

Would That I - What’s your biggest ‘would have, should have, could have’ moment?

most of it comes down to studying or school related stuff. i remember resolving to give up completely on even trying to go to school in year ten and it lost me a whole year, not even of just education, i barely remember anything from it full stop. i also bitterly regret not trying for a scholarship to this fancy boarding school in year six/seven because i don’t know how much different i’d be now but i definitely would be more well adjusted and self disciplined and hopefully ‘smarter’ in the ‘more knowledgeable’ sense. i was a coward and i still am but my god am i better now. i guess it still taught me to be scared shitless and push forward anyway for fear of regretting backing out

Sunlight - What is the weather like where you are right now? What’s your favorite kind of weather?

gorgeous belfast almost-impending-drizzle. it hangs over your shoulder like a permanent threat to destroy your paperwork and turn your awesome fluffy hair into an impeccable drowned rat cosplay

NWFWMB - Have you ever went through a natural disaster?

me, i’m a natural disaster

Moment’s Silence (Common Tongue) - What’s your favorite tongue/language?

i love spanish but i’ve never learned it much beyond school! i also love hearing spoken mandarin? there’s something about it and the way the sounds that makes me v happy. also no joke arabic is the prettiest language i’ve ever heard spoken and im booboo the fool for not realising it sooner like, DUDE??? HOW WAS I NOT AWARE OF THIS????

[julictsrose]

juliet celia jacobs’ questionnaire answers below the cut

Describe your character in a few words.

motherly. sensitive. anxious. caring. smart. serious.

What do you know about your character that they don’t know yet?

well her whole biological family for starters. juliet’s got no idea that her and xander are actually twins and gemini’s her little sister. because that’s some soap opera shit and she is not here for it. also the fact that her and addison are so similar and are gonna be rlly good friends. she doesnt know that. 

What are your character’s major flaws?

she doesn’t take care of herself at all. that’s the big one. she cares so much about other people but she won’t do anything for herself. also the fact that she so hopelessly believes in reason behind everything. like in general i don’t think optimism is bad but she’s optimistic to a fault. she puts all her eggs in one basket and has no idea what to do when things don’t work out. 

What would your character give their life for?

her family.

What is your character’s greatest asset?

she would do anything for the people she loves. or even total strangers tbh. she just wants to help people and make the world better. 

What would completely break your character?

what WOULDN’T. no, uh, for real, i’m not answering this cause some shits gonna happen u guys. you’ll see juliet break. 

How does the image your character tries to project differ from the image they actually project?

i’d say juliet projects her image of perfection very well. i don’t think anyone really sees through the image she puts up besides reece. maybe that’s why she loves him sooooo much.

What is your character afraid of?

losing. in just about any capacity. she’s afraid of failing at things she wants to win or accomplish. she’s afraid of losing her loved ones. that’s where her anxiety really stems from and her fear of letting people really see her. gal’s got abandonment issues fr.

Where would your character fall on a politeness/rudeness scale?

so polite. would cut off own hand for you.

If your character could choose a different identity, who would they pick?

is it weird to say she’d be ophelia if she could? 

In what or whom is your character’s greatest faith in?

right now? honestly probably reece. that’s so unhealthy but its honest. she just pours herself into her romantic relationships and wants them to be everything that matters. when she doesn’t have a boyfriend, it would be will and xander though. 

What was the best thing in your character’s life?

her family

What was the worst thing in your character’s life?

her break up back in college maybe

What is your character’s biggest nightmare?

being abandoned and/or people seeing past the perfect girl disguise she’s built for herself

What is your character’s secret wish?

that reece would just fuckin marry her honestly

What is your character’s greatest achievement?

finishing med school. also that national title for the women’s swim team at columbia. maybe being her high school’s valedictorian. she’s got a lot of achievements bruh. 

What is your character’s deepest regret?

probably letting her ex influence so much of her life and the decisions she made both when they were together and after they broke up. as if she’s not doing the same with reece rn smh 

What is your character reluctant to tell people?

anything abt the storm inside her head

What is your character hiding from themselves?

her fucking eating disorder. bitch knows she has that shit. but she’s out here like nO IM FINE

What makes this character angry? What calms them?

juliet doesn’t really get angry very much?? i guess when she feels like someone is intentionally trying to ruin things for her. and as for calming man i wish i knew but i don’t think she’s ever been calm before in her LIFE

List situations in which your character would not have control over themselves.

all of them. 

How strong is your character’s emotions? Controllable? Uncontrollable?

juliet has literally 0 control over her emotions but she likes to pretend like she has all the control. her emotions control her always. she has this tendency to lash out or panic mid conversation and she has no idea what to do about it. 

Describe your character’s family.

juliet’s adoptive family is wonderful and she adores all of them sm. her parents are kinda hippie-ish (though not as hippie ish as her bio parents lol) and they’re very liberal. her dad is an english professor at stanford and he’s obsessed with shakespeare (obviously) and her mom is a lawyer (but also obsessed with shakespeare). she has a younger sister ophelia who is her polar opposite but basically her best friend. and also a younger brother named lysander who is a little angel baby but now he’s like FOURTEEN YOU GUYS WHAT. juliet absolutely adores her family. i’m serious. they’re all her faves. 

Name your character’s favourite person and why?

 xander branstad though she’d never admit it to anyone other than him cause she knows everyone wants to be her fave tbh. xander is just her person okay!! they’re bffs since always and he gets her in a way no one else does and there’s just no one she’d rather go to when she’s sad and needs a hug or just a movie night and to hang out. he’s just her favorite person to be around. 

How many friends does your character have?

lol a good amount now i guess. but generally not many. its usually just xan and will and then maybe a few other friends who are probably more like acquaintances tbh. also i think she has more friends than she thinks she does. cause she charms just abt everyone she meets but she doesnt think theyre friends yet cause she doesnt really believe people wanna be her friend

How many friends does your character want?

all the friends. she wants to have so many friends but she doesn’t know how to make the friends

How would a friend or close relative describe your character?

the kindest person you’ll ever meet. perfect probably. 

Who depends on your character? Why?

ophelia depends HEAVILY on juliet bc what r sisters for. also xander probably for the same reason and then idk abt in this verse exactly but usually will too

Who does your character most want to please? Why?

EVERYONE. she equally wants the approval of every single person she ever meets. there’s to rhyme or reason to the order of importance and i’m sure it varies constantly based on who seems to approve the most. i.e. she most wants the approval of the person the least pleased with her at any given moment. 

How does your character feel about sex?

good?? lol it’s kind of a non-issue for her i guess which seems funny since she seems so prim and proper and like some 50′s housewife like 89% of the time but idk probably bc her parents are so chill she doesn’t see it as a huge deal?? if she wants to do it she will??? she’s never slept with someone she wasn’t dating though but that’s just a health issue more than anything. that being said she’s also slept with every person she’s dated so i mean. it is what it is. 

How does your character feel about romantic relationships?

real anxious but real excited. she just wants to be loved!! she wants love!! she wants to get married and be someones wife and live happily ever after already okay!!

How does your character feel about work?

so juliet’s never had what the kids call a “”real job”” she’s just done a lot of internships and like volunteer stuff like gal’s never had to work a day in her life to make money cause her parents are Rich AF but she really loves working if that makes sense?? like all of the internships and volunteer stuff she THRIVES on that shit she loves to be doing things and organizing and making stuff happen!! and all this medical internships stuff? incredible. love of her life actually.

Write one additional thing about your character.

makes pinterest recipes better than the original.

[hogsteeth-archive]

alright then i answered one of them oc questions things for both versions of ira bc like. why wouldnt i. first answer is 1976 58y/o rhodesian ira, second answer is 201x 16y/o houstonian ira. i just wanted to figure out how different they really are. questions from here. if readmores still dont work on mobile im sorry lmao

what are some things they have strong opinions about?

he has sort of a cioranian attitude to the value of life, like, hes one of them “theres always reason to kill a man, theres no way to justify his living” types. he doesnt believe in nationalism per se but he does believe in war, hes literally a mercenary, and hed probably get along just fine with someone like mike hoare, but hes not one for unnecessary cruelty. hes kind to who he considers innocent. if he was alive today i can see him getting grouped w/ like, anti-natalists, right-wing “primitivists,” people who browse /fo/, people who think theyll thrive in the post-apocalypse even though they cant even spin yarn, people who dont understand fallout, you know, those types, but i like to think his attitude wrt civ is closer to perlmans or, well, mine. its a good thing he doesnt live in internet times. he thinks technology makes people complacent and weak and hes fallen into the trap of the “noble savage” myth; sign of the times. he could just as easily live off the grid in like, alberta, but he chose to stay in southern africa bc of his colonial attitudes & fetishization of the “less developed.” (sidenote, if youre like, new here n reading this for some reason, yea i write like really really bad characters were talking irredeemably evil here, just like, know that im aware of that.) also he detests hippies for both bad and good reasons ⸻ not much, really, hes an opportunist, a hedonist, hes selfish, goes w/ the flow. he thinks denying yourself pleasure for no reason is microfascism — not in those words — and while he doesnt think that selfishness leads to a bettering of overall society, hes no randian, he feels justified in what he does. hes uh, a mercenary in spirit and ive always intended to have him join the marines n later work for a pmc but were nowhere near there yet

what traits do they like in other people? what traits do they not like?

he likes people (men, that is) that are exactly like him. he likes Narrator bc hes just as quiet, as patient, as stubborn, as antisocial (using that the right way here, i like, know about psychology), as violent, as old-timey-ly masculine as he is. he can tolerate clade (his former accountant) bc she keeps to herself and shes loyal to a fault, but he doesnt go out of his way to like, actually talk to her. he likes will bc he reminds him of what he was like as a child living with his matabele mother. ⸻ he hates everything he perceives as weakness, but hes not all that open about that, i think hes not even 100% aware thats what it is. he needs to be talked back to. he lacks compassion, doesnt know how to deal w/ anyone whos less resilient and abrasive than himself.

do they have a significant other? if so, who?

i mean, theres Narrator — thats kinda what this whole thing is about. but theyll never think of each other that way. its complicated. theyre uh… closer to being marlow and kurtz than to being boyfriends. idk how to explain it. its bad. ⸻ hes fake-dating millah for appearances and secretly seeing jack, im not sure about the details either so im not getting into that, but hes eventually gonna meet will; ive written their first encounter like ten different ways and i still dont really know what i wanna do w/ them........ also Complicated

whats their friend group like? what role do they play (leader, mom friend, etc.)?

he lives in a hut he built w/ his bare hands on the edge of the kalahari. his friends are one horse and one vaalboskat. ⸻ he uses his friends but they use him too. hes reasonably popular bc hes athletic n wealthy, but i think the only one of his friends who really truly sees thru his act is millah, and bc he doesnt take her seriously as a threat, she has more control over him than he realizes.

do they care about their physical appearance? whats their routine like?

nah ⸻ not really. he showers too often and his hairs kinda dry but other than that hes like. Normal. idk i dont care about these things

do they have any physical or mental disabilities?

i dont think so ⸻ he has adhd

what would they die for? kill for?

oh hes not picky. he joined the military at 17, hes made peace w/ the prospect of dying. hes been more uncomfortable w/ the thought of growing old, actually. and again, hes literally a mercenary. not a big deal to him. ⸻ i dont think hes selfless enough to die for anyone. hed kill to protect the people he cares about, but thats more just bc hes possessive. im sure thats gonna come up eventually. i cant really write shit w/o weaving murder in somewhere.

do they have any magical powers or abilities? if its a realistic world, what religion do they follow?

absolutely the fuck not i hate magic. hes not religious, actually feels a little intimidated by religion. in one version of his story he spends his 50s on east nusa tenggara where he doesnt live far from a church, and he makes peace w/ the concept of god thanks to the influence of catholic-raised Narrator, but i doubt hell ever actually step foot into a church, or temple, or mosque, or what-have-you. hes internalized some things during his upbringing though that he doesnt classify as religious. little superstitions. he likes to keep objects that may be used for divination around his house, but he never touches them. ⸻ not religious, but if he had to pick, like to pretend, hed say baptist.

do they celebrate any holidays? how do they celebrate?

nah ⸻ like, the regular american ones. hell welcome any excuse to drink and to socialize, and id say his favorite holiday is the 4th of july, really just bc he likes warm weather and theres not a lot else you can celebrate in the middle of summer. hes not attached to the significance of any holidays. hes not crazy about christmas but he likes his family well enough and hell go along w/ it all, just to have sth to do. hes not good w/ time off.

if they were the protagonist in any book series, what series would they choose? alternatively: what would be their favorite book?

he doesnt really read but hed feel right at home inside heart of darkness or maybe the thin red line. or maybe sth by mccarthy ⸻ hes 16 he hasnt read jack shit. i wanna say deleuze would probably resonate w/ him bc hes a total self-insert but i really dont know. i try to keep the intertextuality way low bc i hate that shit in most fiction, so like, i try not to think too much about other books here

do they have any vices?

uh he drinks and he occasionally smokes opium but compared to most of my characters hes pretty okay wrt that ⸻ yea like… all of them. already said hes a hedonist make of that what u will

do they play any instruments?

nope ⸻ violin but he hasnt been practicing a lot lately

what would their favorite ride at an amusement park be?

hes never been to one ⸻ i feel like hed be into sth really lame… like you know that video by jenny nicholson, top ten lame things to do at disney world? sth like that. like hed go just to get a specific food item or to admire the infrastructure

what animal would they say best represents them?

hyena 100%. the spotted kind. id say tortoise also but hed find that insulting ⸻ id say hyena but hed be reluctant to answer that bc hes a Youth and he knows what a furry is

how do they act when theyre drunk?

vulnerable. little more talkative. he talks to himself (or the cat, rather) sometimes ⸻ more abrasive/tactless/impulsive. he talks w/ his whole body and feels like moving/running bc, again, self-insert

which era of history would they most like to live in?

the old west, like early to mid-19th century, maybe late 18th. that or like the really olden days, like mid-paleolithic ⸻ idk maybe like ten or twenty years earlier. i think he fits the 21st century pretty well. hes a curious person though and if he had a time machine hed go Everywhere at least once

whats their favorite food?

ah thats. complicated actually i have a whole list of foods that remind me of Narrator but ive never gotten around to making one for ira. hm. he likes poultry, like ostrich. white fish. dry/salty foods. sour fruit. breadfruit. fatty dark meats, blood sausage. hes not picky though, hell live on pap and water if he has to. ⸻ i genuinely dont know. im not used to the contemporary western setting yet like… pop tarts exist in the same world as he does and im not comfortable w/ that yet. like, branded food articles wrapped in plastic. thats so weird to me. i guess he likes (american) pizza w/ greens on it, like spinach? and seafood. sour candies, maybe, i dont think he has much of a sweet tooth. he puts salt n butter on potatoes and cottage cheese on pancakes.

what songs remind you of them?

conveniently theres a whole playlist rite here

whats their favorite season and why?

dry season. he doesnt like cloudy/foggy weather bc it makes him feel trapped when he cant see as far. ⸻ summer. i honest to god think people liking cold weather is a conspiracy like im not sure thats even biologically possible. like summer is the obvious answer here

which d&d class would they play as?

nah we dont do nerd shit round these parts

whats their favorite expletive?

he like, barely talks ⸻ nothin weird thats for sure, we campaign for simple straight-forward language in this house. having a Favorite is inherently at odds w/ that. bad question

whats their favorite candle scent?

no scented candles in the desert ⸻ sth fruity but not sweet, like mixed berries, sth red or purple

how do they feel about death?

he doesnt ⸻ hed feel cheated by life if he died young. he has a lot to see and do and itd like, bum him out not to get to do that but hes not afraid of death

do they collect anything? whats their most prized possession?

he lives pretty austerely but he does keep little rocks and gems and bones and pieces of wood n such. also coins from all the countries hes been to bc hes a simple old man. i wanna say his most prized possession is his hogs tooth bc he does value the marines a lot still. its where he first met Narrator :-) ⸻ he really appreciates gifts people give him, things that remind him of people. jack carved him an eagle once

do they play any sports?

no ⸻ nothing too organized. i dont think hes on any school teams bc idk if he has the time but that might change. he does run/hunt/fish/shoot

what one place do they really want to visit and why?

he likes deserts, wide open spaces. hes been to the kalahari n namib but not the gobi/sahara/simpson etc, so, those. no ice deserts though those scare him ⸻ polynesia/southeast asia, just tropical places in general. bc theyre nice what do you want me to tell you. tropics good

what languages do they speak?

northern ndebele, afrikaans, english (w/ various influences), some vietnamese ⸻ english, some cajun french, some spanish

what are some items they always carry? what weapon do they favor using if they exist in a world where weapons are necessary?

hes got his fal obviously and he does always carry a knife, just to be safe. more out of habit than actual necessity (not to imply rural areas were safe in the late 70s, but he lives in the literal wilderness, hes not much of a target. stays away from roads and all that.) ⸻ man hes really not as classy as i want him to be :/ he probably has like, a glock 17 w/ ten thousand pointless modifications n some uglyass stipling pattern. hes a little bit paranoid + irresponsible n carries all kinds of shit he doesnt need, mostly way too much cash

which emoji would they use the most?

no ⸻ he doesnt have a phone, hell maybe use a burner if he has to. this is an anti-phone household

what fantasy race would they be? if they already are one, pick a different one.

absolutely not

do they want to start a family? if they already have one, describe it.

no ⸻ no

what stereotypical high school clique would they fit into?

hed swing between the jrotc kids n the stoners honestly, but still mostly keep to himself ⸻ hes like, too much of a jock for the Delinquents, too much of a Delinquent for the jocks. hes really only popular bc hes rich-ish n blessed w/ good looks, and by association w/ millah

whats one thing that they dont need do they waste the most money on?

he doesnt ⸻ everything. hes really wasteful. he buys more food than he can eat, clothes he never wears, etc etc, hes terrible

what kind of shoes do they wear?

combat boots or just traditional sandals. the terrain around his house is mostly grass and flat boulders so he goes barefoot a lot ⸻ regular tennis shoes, nothin too fashionable bc he cant be bothered to keep up w/ trends, but usually clean n new. hiking boots when hes not w/ his regular friend group

do they believe in ghosts, aliens, and the occult in general?

really dont like how aliens are always grouped in w/ esoteric shit bc like, thats like asking if you believe in atoms honestly. no shit “aliens” exist thats like not up for debate. both iræ would agree w/ me here. 70s ira doesnt believe in like, Ghosts per se, but he has some vague concept of spirits that he got from his mother. he sees/feels them when hes half asleep. ⸻ 2010s ira doesnt believe in jack shit

which deadly sin do they most correspond to? which heavenly virtue?

nooo cardinal sins dont work that way theyre not hogwarts houses. its so much more complicated than that thats impossible

if you had to choose one tarot card to represent them, what would it be?

hmmm four of swords? knight of coins? eight of cups? this is hard ⸻ seven of swords? nine of cups? the devil? i dont know

what do they consider to be their best quality? what actually is their best quality?

his strength, which is really just his callousness and lack of convictions. and uh. i guess his independence ⸻ same here for the first part. and. maybe his loyalty? i dont consider loyalty a good thing personally idk

what do they consider to be their worst quality? what actually is their worst quality?

his lack of social skills maybe? he doesnt need them too often of course but like, the first time Narrator showed up at his doorstep he was genuinely nervous and that did fill him w/ some semblance of shame and in his eyes he should be good at everything, so like. that. really its his lack of conviction and his timidness/avoidance of the world ⸻ his dependence on others/lack of discipline. really its his lack of compassion, like, obviously

[sarohara]

Stranger: m

You: You first

You: to say hey

Stranger: hey lol

You: ahhaha jk

You: Hey, how u doing?

You: im f btw

Stranger: cool im good just bored you?

You: Well, everyone's bored on omegle so..what's new right?

You: Im good as well

Stranger: haha true

You: May i ask ur name?

Stranger: Adam you?

You: Hey Adam, how's life?

You: ahahaha

You: Im Sarah

Stranger: nice to meet you :) its okay not great not awful

You: Oh it's a balance then

You: nice meeting u :)

Stranger: hahaha covid sucks but again what else is new right?

You: ahahahhaha yeeea right

You: Life sucks rn

You: But i hope it gets a lil bit better.

You: one day.

Stranger: same :( It has to haha

You: Hopefully :)

You: Wyd now?

Stranger: just school wbu?

Stranger: well not rn

Stranger: its 5 50 am here

Stranger: and thanksgiving lol

You: Oh online classes right? I hate it

You: Oooh 5:50am?

You: Wow, too early

Stranger: yeah im in california. couldn't sleep

You: yeaaa happy thanksgiving :) r u gonna do today?

You: Oh california, gotcha

Stranger: nm maybe play football and just eat hahaha you?

You: Eat is the best one right

You: Im not gonna do anything at all

Stranger: nice sometimes its good to just chill

Stranger: where you from?

You: Yea, i'm always doing this ahaha

You: i'm brazilian

Stranger: oh very cool :)

You: Yea :))

You: Hey, lemme show u a song

Stranger: ok

You: hold up

Stranger: ok haha

You: should i send the link or name?

Stranger: either one!

You: oke

You: name then

You: idk you yet by alexander 23

Stranger: listening now

You: it's a really good song and I just wanted to show this incredible masterpiece to the all world ahaha but it's not possible, sadly

You: i don't even know if u'll like it, but i hope so

Stranger: I love it actually

Stranger: my kinda music for sure

You: oh my gawd, i'm so happy.

You: ahahhaha

Stranger: thank you that made my day better

You: no, thank YOU

You: :))

Stranger: hahaha music is the best honestly

You: u mean, music is the best thing in the whole world? yea ikr. it's just perfect.

You: or u mean, that one..?

Stranger: I mean music in general

Stranger: but that song is excellent

You: oooh yeaa!!!

Stranger: already added to my spotify

You: it's my favorite thing in the whole world. music.

You: Aw :))

You: well, your turn.

Stranger: hahaha okay hold on

You: take your time

Stranger: as much as I ever could - city and color

You: oh, it's an old one

You: I mean, that's cool

You: listening now

Stranger: its one of my faves

You: oh shoot. this intro is just awesome.

Stranger: right?

You: ooohh that's so beautiful. idk, just hitts different u know. I genuinely love it.

Stranger: good im glad I could send a good one back :)

You: Aw, yea, it's freaking good :)

You: hey, wyd on omegle? u shouldn't be here ahaha nah im kidding

Stranger: hahaha I just go with the flow you know? california hippy :)

You: yea?😂

You: ahahhaha i get that. california hippy.

Stranger: thats me for sure

Stranger: what are you doing here hahaha

You: Guess what

You: I'm bored 😂

Stranger: lollll shocker hahahaha

You: And i just wanted to talk to someone. idk.

You: ahahahhahaha

You: no kidding!

You: lmao

Stranger: anything in particular you want to talk about ? :)

You: well, i mean , i guess anything in particular. Just talk about randomly things. u know.

You: killing time.

Stranger: yeah no I feel you for sure :)

You: Oh good to know that i'm not alone, im not the only one 😂

Stranger: it gets lonely with all online shit

You: Yea for real...everything's so complicated now.

Stranger: I know :(

You: I wish I had someone to blame sometimes ahah

Stranger: I know what you mean but at least its fucked up for everyone

You: Yea but if i could i would take all this shit just for me u know

Stranger: for sureeee I know what you mean but you can't bear that big of a burden alone

You: Yea ik ur right. but at least that would be 1000x easier.

You: I guess so. but anyways, there's nothing that i can do or anyone else.

Stranger: yeah :( no just be in it together and try to spread good vibes

You: yeah that's the point :))

Stranger: :)

You: hey, what about The Girl?

You: I mean, by city and colour

Stranger: love that one too

Stranger: they have some incredible songs

Stranger: the lead singers name is Dallas green thats where the band name comes from but he's a genius

You: Oooh wow, wise man huh ahah

You: It was really genius.

You: Nice pun I would say lmao

Stranger: I know his music just hits different

You: Yea. it feels like ur in 1999 traveling the world with someone.

Stranger: yeah its so calming :)

You: Pretty smooth aha :)

Stranger: makes me feel like the worlds gonna be okay ahaha

You: do u know more than one? please tell me, i need to escape there.

You: ahahha just kidding

Stranger: hahahaha

You: but yea, that's the power of music, it's like the whole world doesn't exist. just u & melody. and everything's gonna be okay. whatever it takes.

Stranger: its honestly pretty intimate sharing your favorite stuff with someone

You: Yaaaaas! it's really special, i would say. people usally don't wanna talk about stuff like that.

Stranger: honestly it gets deep for sure

You: Is that bad? should i stop to say these things or something?

Stranger: no no not at all :)

You: sorry, i'm a typist one. as u can see.

You: ahahha ooooh okay

Stranger: what do you look like?

You: u mean, physically?

Stranger: yeah

You: i'm brunette. brown eyes. 5''3. like that? ahahaha

Stranger: yeah you sound beautiful :)

You: oh thank u ahaha i guess.

You: what about u?

Stranger: 6 2 brown hair blue green eyes

You: Oh you're tall huh. and u sound cute. btw

Stranger: thanks :)

You: no problem :))

You: what time is it now?

Stranger: 6 42

You: almost an hour since the last time right

Stranger: yeah hahaha

You: time flies lmao

Stranger: it does for sure should I let you go?

You: good question.

You: nah, im kidding.

You: u shoudn't.

You: ahaha

You: just if u want to.

Stranger: not that I want to haha I just might go sleep soon

You: oh!!! sure sure. it's up to u.

Stranger: sorry haha I just have to get ready for bed and stuff and got kinda h

You: Oh

You: I get that

You: typing something?

Stranger: oh I was waiting it seemed like you were haha

Stranger: are you at all?

You: if i was typing? nah i wasn't. actually, i was waiting ahahah

Stranger: waiting for?

Stranger: oh for my typing?

You: oh my gawd ahahah yea exactly

You: but nvm

Stranger: no tell me hahaha

You: tell what? i was just waiting for ur typing. that's so confusing aahaha

Stranger: never mind hahaha were not on the same page hahahaha

You: def we're not ahahah

You: anyways. that's it, i guess so.

You: u have to go, right.

Stranger: alright it was nice talking to you :) yeah im sorry hahaha I got h

You: aight, nice meeting u as well

[theoddcatlady]

Energy Potion

Alan: Oh my god I’m dying.

Alan: End me guys. Just take my body and throw it in a hole six feet deep.

Melody: Stop complaining, it’s not that bad.

Bruce: Shut the fuck up and pass me more coffee.

Alan: Coffee. All I consume, all I taste. Is goddamn coffee.

Cleo: I don’t know about you guys IM DOING GREAT :D

Melody: Oh god I think she found where I hid her Monster.

Melody: Cleo no do you KNOW how bad that is for you?! Spring water. Deep breathing. That’ll get you through finals!

Alan: … On what planet do you live on?

Melody: The one where nature provides rather than artificial chemicals and manmade poison.

Bruce: Oh man I haven’t laughed this hard since… I can’t remember. More coffee. More coffee. My fingers are shaking so much and I still don’t have this paper done. Spellcheck thinks I’m developing Parkinson’s.

Cleo: Your fingers only JUST started shaking? D:

Melody: Your kids are all going to end up with ADHD.

!~*~!

Melody: I have decided my earlier statements may have been naïve.

Alan: Nooo, really?

Melody: RIP. X.X

Cleo: Okay, after spending all morning in bed with a migraine maybe drinking that many Monsters in a row was a bad idea. Whoopsie daisy.

Bruce: I’m surprised you’re not dead.

Cleo: Same bro. Fuck finals.

Melody: We’re all doomed.

Alan: … hold on a sec guys I got this weird ad on the college website, lemme show you.

Alan: [IMG]

Alan: Ignore that it looks like every ‘graphic design is my passion’ advertisement ever.

Melody: Oooh, a natural remedy?

Cleo: No crash? I’m sold. How much is it, I don’t wanna blow my food budget.

Bruce: Thiiis sounds like bull. Don’t do it man.

Alan: Too late. Emailed the seller.

Bruce: Cocksucker.

Alan: You wish jackass.

Cleo: Shut the fuck up guys. I’m emailing Gus too. See if he’ll work out a deal. Jesus, a week’s amount of doses is over thirty bucks… hello Ramen cups and poptarts. How I missed you.

Melody: I have some extra quinoa!

Cleo: Errrrr…

Bruce: I mean. We only need a week’s worth. Then finals will be over.

Alan: Ooooh, changing your tune, mister skeptic?

Bruce: If I don’t pack in as much study time as possible I’m going to fail. I’m not gonna let that happen.

Alan: Awww yeah! Let’s try some kid’s science experiment!

!~*~!

Alan: I’m still laughing that it’s called ‘Energy Potion’. What sort of geeky ass bullshit?

Bruce: Taking the first pill now. I have to study.

Melody: All at once, readysetgo!

Cleo: …

Cleo: I didn’t expect it to dissolve. Thought it was like birth control.

Bruce: Literally tastes like piss. Literally.

Alan: Spend a lot of time doing that Bruce?

Bruce: Eat shit.

Alan: :P

Melody: Maybe it’s the color that brings on the whole urine sensation. So icky.

Cleo: Blergh. My mouth feels awful, how’s this supposed to work Alan?

Alan: ‘One pill and you’ll have bursts of energy throughout the night, a slow burn rather than a high followed by a crash.’ Taken right from the product description.

Melody: Oddly enough, I feel its working! Or maybe that’s the crystals I set up around my study place.

Bruce: Or placebo effect. That too.

!~*~!

Cleo: Bruce?

Bruce: What’s up Cleo? Any reason you’re not messaging with the group?

Cleo: … I took another pill this morning.

Bruce: Shit, are you feeling sick? I mean it does wonders don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think you can stay awake all day like that.

Cleo: I know I know I’m sorry, I’m just letting you know in case something goes wrong. And it did work. I didn’t feel tired until the sun went up. Still pretty sleepy.

Bruce: You wanna come over to my apartment to study? I know the dorm’s pretty rough on you.

Cleo: Well…

Bruce: I’ll have more Monster for you.

Cleo: Sold. Can we play a few rounds of Overwatch too?

Bruce: As long as I can be your pocket Mercy.

!~*~!

Melody: This is the best stupid idea you’ve ever had Alan!

Alan: I know right? You know how productive I was last night? Focused?

Melody: I know! I didn’t even feel buzzed! Just AWAKE!

Cleo: Slept through one of my classes though. The crash does come, just when the sun comes up.

Bruce: Whatever man, most of my classes don’t care about attendance except when it comes to finals. Two more days until it begins.

Cleo: I can’t wait for them to be over. I might take it easy. No more all nighters. I’ll save the rest of my pills for another time.

Melody: To be honest I haven’t even been taking mine.

Alan: … What?

Bruce: Sure Melody haha how the heck have you put in more studying time?

Melody: I just feel more awake at night. I think my internal clock is changing, a few sessions of meditation and I’ll be able to refresh myself.

Alan: That’s weird.

Cleo: You know, now that I think about it, I think I forgot to take the pill last night because of how awake I was? It just felt more natural to be awake at night rather than the day. I powernapped at midnight but that’s it. It’s probably just working its way out of our systems.

Bruce: god I hope so. I swear if you end up hospitalized because of this…

!~*~!

Cleo: TMI, I don’t care.

Alan: You too?

Bruce: Same.

Melody: I’m anti shaving but this is RIDICULOUS.

Bruce: …  How the hell did we get on the same wavelength so fast?

Cleo: I mean we’re friends. That’s how it is right?

Cleo: That’s beside the point. The point is my bush is thicker than a jungle, and I JUST got waxed as a reward for passing finals.

Alan: That is really TMI but same.

Melody: I might actually break out the razor.

Bruce: probably just get a weed whacker…

Cleo: Took the words out of my MOUTH.

Alan: Maybe it’s just a full moon, either way, finals are over, toss out the damn pills, we’re GOOD.

!~*~!

Bruce: I’m still not sleeping at night.

Melody: Neither am I. I’m back at my mom’s and she’s getting SUPER worried.

Alan: I keep nodding off at work. This fucking sucks. I’m gonna get canned at this rate and I don’t wanna go back to living with my parents.

Bruce: Have either of you heard from Cleo? I haven’t since she got home to her parents. I feel like she’s fine, but you know, I worry.

Alan: I know you two finally got together but relax, she’s fine.

Melody: She’s probably just organizing her room.

Bruce: … How the fuck did you know we were together?

Melody: …

Melody: I… don’t know. I just guessed I guess.

Bruce: Bull. We haven’t told anyone. Her dad’s racist as hell, you really think he’s cool with his princess dating a black guy?

Alan: Isn’t that beside the point anyway?

Bruce: No, not it’s not.

Bruce: I really didn’t want to say this.

Bruce: Alan, I know you’re bisexual. You were at the LGBT safe space the night before graduation.

Bruce: And Melody, you believe in this vegan hippie bullshit only to make your mom happy. Because she’d be horrified to find out you’re atheist. You were at Burger King yesterday and I know you weren’t there for the salad.

Bruce: I just know what you two are doing at any time, any place, anywhere. I know where to find you right now. I can’t put it into words but it’s like we’re connected.

Bruce: Do you realize it too?

Melody: … Yes.

Melody: I was worried last night because you weren’t safe. And when you got home and told me that you were nearly in a car accident I almost screamed. I don’t believe in this sixth sense bullshit. I don’t believe in any of it. I was a vegetarian because of logic reasons, not that I ‘feel the animal’s souls’.

Alan: But you’ve also been eating a lot of meat lately too, huh?

Bruce: There’s so many jokes I can make about the meat thing.

Alan: Time and a fucking place, Bruce.

Alan: I’ve basically become a carnivore overnight. I made myself three steaks last night because I just couldn’t get full. I’m blowing through my food budget like there’s no tomorrow.

Bruce: Damn. I’ve been getting by on chicken nuggets but nothing beats a rare steak right now. I could go get one right now. If I wasn’t so damn tired.

!~*~!

Bruce: Cleo? Are you there? I know you’re okay but I’m wondering for how much longer.

Bruce: Please tell me you’re okay.

Cleo: … I’m hideous.

Cleo: My new teeth are all sharp. I’m so hairy. The only thing I like to eat is meat. I only like being out at night, and when I do, I explore my territory.

Cleo: I’m not what you want.

Bruce: No no no, it’s all of us, Cleo. My teeth just started to get loose. The night is beautiful, isn’t it?

Cleo: Especially the moon. But I feel so alone. I’m not supposed to be alone. I love you, Bruce. So much. We’re meant to be.

Bruce: We are. All of us need to be together. It’s getting stronger by the day. What’s happening to us?

Cleo: The potion. The energy potion.

Cleo: That fucker turned us into freaks!

Bruce: Nonono, you’re not a freak. If it wasn’t for this new connection, I wouldn’t have made a move that night. Appearance or not, this isn’t… all bad.

Cleo: Not all bad?

Cleo: What is even the end of this? What are we turning into?

Bruce: Hang tight. We’ll be okay, I promise.

Cleo: … my dad’s banging on my door fuckfuckfuck I think he knows about us

Bruce: Cleo?

Bruce: Cleo?!?!

Bruce: CLEO PLEASE REPLY

Bruce: CLEO!

!~*~!

Bruce: She’s in trouble.

Melody: I’m already almost to her house. Alan’s with me. Meet us there.

Bruce: Keep her safe.

!~*~!

Bruce: Shaken them off?

Melody: Yes.

Cleo: They couldn’t keep up. They’re weak. They don’t have our senses in the dark.

Alan: I got rid of the body. And our clothes.

Bruce: You know where to go?

Cleo: We’ll meet you there.

Alan: You’re in charge.

Alan: We’ll get through this together.

Melody: Yes.

Cleo: Yes.

Bruce: Yes.

[autowrite]

Ardennes Trip Journal - 28.07.19 - 10.08.19

Day 1

23:15 The adventure continues. So much to say and only 14 minutes to do it in. The accommodation is pretty crappy. An old youth hostel converted into something..maybe not even converted. I arrived with 2 woman who couldn’t find their way here with a GPS. Right now I feel like I’ve let myself down a bit. I promised myself I would be authentic, I feel like Im hiding, crawling back into my shell. I promise myself that I will do what it takes to be authentic here, even if I don’t totally know what it means. I think it has to do with flow, carefree ness. There are a few girls here that I’m attracted to, one of them is the lady in charge of the volunteers. She doesn’t have a pretty face but she wears tight clothing and she has a nice body. I like tight clothing on a nice body. I feel like I underestimated the amount of work I’ll have to do here. It seems like mostly work with a bit of free time over. I would like to see more of the surroundings but I’m not sure what, I’m not even sure how curious I am to be honest. The meals are vegetarian and don’t seem to be enough, I have a feeling I won’t be able to fall asleep quickly because I’m kinda hungry. My mind has been hijacked by Mara. I keep thinking about having a little fling with Hanna. I gave her a hug earlier when we were alone in the bathroom. Damn, how did I manage that? The truth is I’m just using her. Lust is toxic, it’s toxic. But the pull toward her is strong. If I go down this road it will lead to another and then another and then another. It doesn’t stop until I put an end to it. Until I make the decision to not engage. The people that work here are rather nice. Bert and Wim and Carlos. There are very cute and friendly young little cats here. This evening I saw the mommy cat run into the garden, frantically lookin*for one of her young ones, and then she gave her a little mice she caught to  play with. It was so adorable. I would like to use my time here to also be able to relax and read and go for walks and bloom socially.

14:00 I’m on a train. It takes almost 4 hours to get there and the time is flying. I’ve read some google reviews of the place and a lot of people say the inside looks kind of shitty and that the food is too vegan. Mixed responses. But then they also say it’s isurroinded by beautiful nature in the middle of nowhere, I’m curious about that! I think it’s going to be pretty cool. I’m tried right now, I need some sleep. I hope I get along with my colleagues, I hope that I can flip the switch and be open, spontaneous and helpful. Wild, adventurous, authentic. Funny af.  I guess all I’m looking for is a nice place to wake up in, with fresh air, some structure, a place to read and relax, a place to push myself a little in terms of social interactions! I’m glad I thought of journaling, I’ll write in this thing every day. They say that phones and WiFi doesn’t park very well there, not sire of this is a good or bad thing but I’m leaning more to it being a good thing. I’m a little worried that I’ll be my usual, rather serious, seldom-able-to-genuinely-smile self, that I’ll close up and all my (perfectly acceptable and even good) ideas will remain ideas in my head, that I might not have the courage to act on ‘em? Maybe? Perhaps? We’ll see. I got a lot of books with me, I’m happy about that. They have a piano there, playing piano is a very meditative practice (even kinda spiritual). I’m also a tad concerned that everyone will be ‘nice’ in an annoying way, like super-friendly, heart-on-their-sleeves millennials there to confront me with how old and uptight I am :-) I’m actually just a big kid inside, but showing that side takes a lot of guts, requires a lot of freedom (giving myself permission to be free), requires a certain amount of trust ofcourse. But I want just that. Carefreeism. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Ain’t no one, NO one going to give you permission to put on that hat, that’s a decision you make on your own..Writing this I feel a bit like the main character from a Michael hollebeqs ‘Whatever’. A guy who’s very aware of everything, has a fair amount of emotional intelligence, but is a little dead inside. Desperately in need of using his imagination, spontaneity. Fuck it i don’t want that! I reckon the people there will be hippy types with loose, comfortable clothing. Some dreadlock types that I will kind of look down on but they’ll be too busy living there lives (like I should be doing) to care. Fuck, when did this become a novel? I’m writing this as though someone is going to read it, someone like Lisa and I’m trying my best to be all insightful and clevah. Fuck that, this is my journal and I’ll be as daft and incoherent as I want. Meanwhile small Wallonian towns zip past me under overcast weather from this train. This little spot here is my comfort zone but also a creative abs therapeutic space. Fuck this train announce speak is loud and just above me. I’m hungry. I’m concerned abou this strict vegan policy they have there, that I’ll be hungry all the time, and won’t be able to sleep. I’m enthusiastic about apply Radical Acceptance techniques to this experience. To take the time to recognise how I feel, to ‘paise’ and offer myself some compassion perhaps. It’s okay, whatever happens: it’s okay. Showing up as you is ok. Feeling afraid and unsafe is okay. Being jouuous and free is okay. Doing you is ok. Not doing you is ok. Not having a good time is ok. You’re ok. I DON’T want to use this journal as a place to hide. A place to observe the world on the other side of some glass. Day 2

9:50 I slept ok, not great. The beds were ok. I have 10 minutes to write this and it all feels a bit rushed. I got laundry to do coz my shit is filthy. The weather is really nice and there is a really pretty courtyard with flowers and birds and little cats. Breakfast was pretty good, lots of oatmeal and things to choose from. I’m really bummed abiut the fact that our shifts here are split up in 2, through out the day, making it hard to leave the premise. I’m sitting here in the kitchen and there’s a world out there that I’d like to discover. The water for the shower is warm as opposed to hot. I’m tired but I’m so used to it that I hardly notice it anymore. I don’t feel much like talking, and others seem to want to talk. I don’t mind that much I guess, but I also want to not feel obligated to chat. But when I’m on my own i also feel a bit restless. I’m bothered by the stains on my shorts which look a bit gross. Worried that ill be limited to only the kitchen and the immediate surroundings while I’m here. The ‘sugar’ I put in my coffee is unrefined and tastes kind of gross. I have a feeling I’m going to get annoyed by the work here. I came here to work but also enjoy the surroundings. Damn. 22:30 I’m super tired right now, o feel o should have gotten more rest. They make us work a lot over here, it’s testing my laziness. I went for a walk and it was quite nice. I’m giving this experience a 6 out of 10 so far. I feel like a kid at times. I saw a horse that was blind in one eye, I stroked his face and his hit vs,r off on my finger. He seemed very ol and quite sad. I would have done more for him if I knew what he wanted. I have this feeling that I’m missing something. This afternoon I sat in front of the piano and I could lose myself in the notes. It was meditativive and restorative. It felt like something spiritual, I enjoyed it. I, tore, did I mention I was tired. I also feel a bit floppy and like...not a whole person. I’m worried that I’ll be stuck in arrested development forever, I feel so immature at times. I know that reliving the pain would fix it all but you can’t force these kind of things. Anyway, the weather is good, the people are nice and I’m happy to call it a night. I feel like I can do a lot more though.

Day 3 

22:50 I woke up today in a really bad mood. Not enough sleep, bad sleep. We eat vegan food here all day long, maybe that’s effecting it. I have quite a lot of wind, but that’s ok. I worked today, it’s 5 or 6 hours but it feels like all day. I’m happy to be here. I socialise all day too, and it’s fine. Sometimes not fine, sometimes I’m gripped with self-consciousness every time I open my damn mouth. Sometimes it feels like every single interaction is awkward, I know what is required is to let go but I probably put too much  pressure into it. Letting go is actaully effortless really, want an idea.  Anyway, I ended things with Katya today and i think this is for the best. I’m smoking too much and I think it’s for the best. I think about Carlos quite a bit, he’s quite a special dude. And Wim is leaving tomorrow and I’m sorry about that, I’m gonna miss him a little. His brother Bert is a nice guy, such an open and friendly person, with a big heart. I find it hard to make eye contact with himi, in a way. The ladies love him. Speaking of ladies I went with a walk with Hanne and I made tons of moves to the point she felt uncomfortable. When I returned I felt guilty and empty. I’d like to relax more here. I’m looking into doing something similar to this in a place with an ocean. This whole experience has been good. The work grounds me, puts things into perspective, but I have to admit I was expecting something a little better than this. I now know that my idea of farming or working in this way was merely a romantic one. Actually I want to be around creative people. People like me who want to make things, get lost in things, I’m just not yet sure what that ‘thing’ is.

Day 4 

22:40 Sitting here in the back of my corvette. Sitting here in the mountains of Spain, not claiming to know anything anymore. And so the journey begins.. Day 4. I keep asking Hanne for hugs. I worked in the garden today, I wasnt feeling it very much at  all. But I should be greatful, my teenage years were really tough, said the talk show host. I’m greatly out of touch with my center today, I could meditate on this though, embrace it, use it, it feels good to be alone. 12 minutes every single day. I’m waiting for the American cook. Hanna is leaving tomorrow for holiday in Schotland, I feel sad abiut that. And Wim left today. It was really nice getting to know him. He told me a lot about his travelling through South America. He’s got this crazy look in his eyes, he looks a bit like he took some bad acid, he also looks like someone who might be an alcoholic. I feel like I’m not capable of getting close to anyone at times, and they can sense it. I want to though, maybe they don’t notice it. Hanne is a work horse, but obviously has her own issues. She is cute though. Jeff is also cool of course. I feel like I scare people. I got a nice compliment from Carlos who said I should do stand up comedy. Where the heck is Lorenzo at? He said that to me 2 once. I get my energy by losing myself in creativity, making jokes. I get my creativity from a lot of things. Right now I’m in bed, nothing to be said. Right now I live like there’s a tomorrow, a red car racing. Like MJ and codependency. I called Lisa, she sounded enthusiastic and happy to hear from me. Latisha is doing well and is her cute self, miss her. I saw someone take one of the little cats away today and I cried just a little. I’m sure she  will be loved in her new home.

Day 5

21:50 Day 5 in Orval. I like it here, it’s peaceful. The grass is green, the birds sing and there’s cats around. I worked in the kitchen today and then then the garden. Enough to fill the day and I’m tired and ready for bed. Hanna left for Schotland today, I fooled around with her in her bedroom, but she held me at bay and I wasn’t interested in treating her like a sex object. She’s sweet and deserves a lot better. Carols was up to his usual tricks, conspiracy theories and what not. We found out today that I weigh twice as much as him. I’m actually gaining weight here, crazy. I’m saving money while being here, and doing the right thing. One of my goals being here is to show up authentically every single day. I’m kind of doing that, but sometimes I’m not sure what that means. I think it involves using my body. My work ethic has become a bit of a joke, I’m the guy that breaks away from the kitchen to play piano, it has crossed my mind that I like it when people are talking about me, even f it’s negative, even if it’s laughing. I think i night want constant reassurance, but deep down I want something more real than that, you know? Meditate on that. I’m not meditating, but enough about me. Wim is returning tomorrow, that’s cool. Not sure if I have a half day off tomorrow or not. The good is great. I haven’t eaten a single animal product in 5 days. I feel fine, I don’t feel amazing though, like the early days of changing my diet. Worked with Jeff in the garden, the sun was shining real pretty like, I posed as a Mexican drug cartel worker, it was silly. I thought I lost my kindle, but I didn’t.  I want to make plans to go on more walks, do some excercise, get up early. I would like to make kale smoothies too. I had an amazing insigh today, often when people talk to me, I feel a lot of tightening up around the heart. Construction of the heart. It’s clear in a way. That’s when I decide to relax and look the person right in the eye, and I feel the wall, the constricting melt a little. Other times I feel the opposite way, other times I feel my heart opening up, and I feel love and I honestly feel like giving the people around me a big big. There are people here that have stayed for 5 months. You can save money by being here. Don’t got back to Hurtsville. Your time here is good.

Day 6 

23:10 Day 6 in bold. They make us work too much over here. I did some weeding today, fuck, never doing that again. I lasted an entire hour. I think I’d lose my mind if I were a farmer, I need people too much. Need em to reassure me, tell me I’m alive. It’s been a long day, we work about 32 hours/week here. That’s almost a full time job, what a crappy candle. The highlight of my day might have been my meditation. Sitting under a tree with a horsefly that I killed,  it very Buddha like. The meditation helped me become more grounded. Later I went on Facebook. What the help are we doing with our lives? My her is Conan, what a silly name. How does this guy come up with so many jokes, he’s so damn funny. ‘My riff-gun was jammed’ Patton Oswald. I need a plan or a goal while I’m here. I’m stuck on this island and I’m not alone. More walks please, more excercise. Wim returned and that’s cool.

Day 7

22:40 Carlos the little monkey with the conspiracy theories. I’m getting back into using my phone again, and a little bit of porn too. It was very tiring day today. Wim and I went for a walk, we went to the abdij where Orval beer is made but we didn’t go in. We got personal, talked about heavy, personal stuff. I can’t say that it did much for me. I still feel like a sense of self, or bottom or ground is missing, and that’s ok, that’s just the kind of guy I am. We worked a lot and I felt so lazy, so tired. We are working something like 35 hours a week. I haven’t worked this much in a long time, it’s more work than I expected obviously. The weather was good, new groups have arrived and I find myself eyeing the ladies. I make a lot of jokes and everyone laughs at them it’s almost too easy. Acceptance. Nature. Hide away, dancing. 5 rhythm dancing. Dance to Maastricht. I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know. Bert used to live in Costa Rica. He’s so at ease with himself it’s crazy. He says it’s all about being in the body, and dancing and yoga and some meditation. Wim must feel overshadowed a little, I still really enjoy playing the piano, I still feel the need to be an entertainer or performer of some kind. Do your best forget the rest, thanks for coming.

Day 8

00:15 Im beat, what a day. I feel tired and immature. The asshole social worker. We cleaned today, the entire kitchen. It was a time of laziness, and work and seriousness. I, getting fatter over here. The American cook showed up. And a very young couple. And the bosss and his hens. The American cook is called Mark or Marc and he comes acrosss like a healthy and capable man with an eye for the ladies. His wife or girlfriend also seems nice. I met a very nice girl today called Sophie, me and Wim had a drink with her. It’s good to be here, good to be in the real world. On Tuesday I get my day off, I guess the only thing I’m planning to do is rest. Wim and I are getting closer, lots of laughs and stuff. I feel small and inadequate right now and it’s uncomfortable, but I’ll breathe into it, accept it,  have it down the whole. I think you can do a lot with it but maybe never fully get used to it. Or something? I coughed a lot, I have a slight hangover now. I’m still impressed with this Sophie girl I just met. She seems so nice. I feel fat. Stick to your principals.

Day 9 

00:05 Camp fire singing. I should count my blessings. I feel a bit like a coward but I guess I should be proud that I sang. I lost my center, but that’s ok, everything is ok. Lots of laughs with Wim, I’m going to miss that dude. Staring at Melissa’s legs a lot. Cooking in the kitchen, with Mark and his pleasant wife. Mark is not a Buddhist, but he respects them. I felt intense shame while trying my best to play guitar. I want to frame it differently though, I want to quantify it coz I want to pass through it. Pass through the eye of the storm, it’s so nice on the other side, I’m sure of it. Sophie is so nice, I haven’t met a girl that nice in a while. Feels like I keep holding back, but beating myself up over it doesn’t make it better, doesn’t change anything. I woke up late and missed most of breakfast. I was in a lousy mood. Wim offered to do my dishes. There are so many people here, it’s non-stop interaction, at times it gets a bit much. I took a nap today and passed out almost immediately. I feel embarrassed by my weight. A new volunteer arrived in heels. Katy the 19 year old girl stood very close to me when i did something on my phone. Marks music is a bit boring in the kitchen. Wim and I shared many laughs, he’s a good guy. He cracks me up, I’m lucky to have him here. It’s good to be random, it’s good to not make sense, it’s a way to shake it all off. Inside of me is a child that wants to be let out. It wants light and air and to be seen, but he doesn’t feel safe. He’s embarrassed and ashamed and doesn’t feel good enough, but it’s the closest to something real I’ll ever feel. Jeff is a really nice, sincere, honest dude. I like him. But I gotto be real, if I don’t care I don’t care. Life I can be tough, so confusing at times. But I’m here, I’m doing this, I’m a alive, I laugh a lot, I accept.

Day 10

23:15 The skies were gray today. Wim left for the second time and he took Thomas with him. I was having a bad day until I took a nap and did some journaling. I walked down the road by myself and sat some of the crappy but charming neighbourhood housing. I’m eating less and less and I feel great right now. All this vegan food, no meat for almost 2 weeks. I feel looser today, happy to be around Wim and Jeff, happy to talk bullshit, more in a flow. Out there the air is thick with rain air, and tents are scattered across the grass bellow me. Mark is a nice guy but I notice we all get a bit more serious when he’s around us. It’s interesting to note that. I’ve been travelling with my dick in my pocket, I made a move on one of the girls here and I plan on subtly making moves on Katy, or whatever her name is, which is kind of gross of me. I should be ashamed of myself.. but enough about me, I was just following my dick. It feels good to be here though, I’m going to miss it. I’m glad I met Wim and plan to see him when I get back to Antwerp to talk more bullshit, etc etc. ALl these interactions can get a bit much. Melissa is so serious. The energy is good here.

Day 11

00:50 Nothings wrong I don’t get it. Hootchie girl, tease, this is. It going as planned. I strummed my guitar like a beast, leaflets on the floor. Better tomorrow. This is silly. This is silly, I care and I don’t care because I do t know what the heck I’m doing. I just want to stand for something in life. That’s all she said, the importance of being strong and saying something. I’m welcome back anytime. The bird is here, on the roof, performing for god knows who. Unable to break through, because no one ever gave him permission to. That’s sad but dead, gotto get the scream out of my system. I’m glad for you but not excited, we want the same things only different. Artists inside,  but vague in what we want. You’re tall, I’m tall, let’s make babies, let’s quit smoking. I lied to you actually. I’m not hurt, not going in some direction. Taking the piles a day at a time. William Prine, bathroom break. Big butt girl called Anoek, soft eyes, another girl under my belt, I feel gross about it , leaning into the fear is like leaning into the sun. we sat around a fire today, we played songs. Sophie leaned against me until our backs became uncomfortable. The smoke in my hair, the smoke in all of ours. I tried to be brave, I was brave, I sang the best I could. Now is not the time, my defence mechanism is cunning and baffling, I relate to it. I would rather have nothing that be a shaky leaf trying to ‘score’, I feel embarrassed and ashamed and I seek re-assurance. It’s ok toadman, see you at the breakfast table. DAY 13

4:00 I don’t understand what happened. Caily contacted me and told me she was raped by Mark. The American cook I liked. I don’t understand. I don’t feel much, just inklings of some confusion. I’m unable to let this idea sink in property. Raped?? Mark the guy I spent 5 days with raped a 19 year old girl?? Threatened her with a knife?? I don’t understand, this doesn’t compute with me. Caily is a wonderful person, sweet, real, authentic. She contacted me, we chatted for hours. I hope she’s ok, even though I don’t know what to feel. I tired to just keep her company, be there for her. I’m trying to think what I would do if I saw him. He might have ruined a 19 year old girls life.. she’s numb right now and traumatised. This is the world we live in. People who are innocent and real get preyed on by predators it seems. They have their innocence taken away. Caily is one of the most innocent and authentic girls I’ve ever met. So incredibly naive in a way. This man preyed on that if this really happened. I hope she’s ok. I hope she’s able to live fully again. I hope she’s able to process all this, to trust again.

Day 14 conclusions and shit

T’was a perfectly imperfect trip. The conclusion rests in the balance of: I had a really enjoyable time, I’m glad that I went there. As I sit in black shorts and shoes with holes in them on a bench in Antwerp, Orval seems pretty far away already. But it’s cool. I’m not yet sure what to  make about the ending though. A girl might have been raped. I think she was raped because she’s at the police right now. On the last day we did a big clean of the kitchen, the 2nd one during my stay. Sofie was with is helping in the kitchen, chopping onions and doing a splendid job. I was tired from the night before, the third night of building a camp fire and playing sharades and some songs. We gathered the fire wood ourselves, firewood that spat and crackled and carried a few ticks. Caily was with us. We had so much fun. And Jef. Oh how I remeber that night, it was like it was yesterday, or the day before yesterday, which it was. A little sprinkler water to cool us off, we dragged Melissa through the snow, coughing and spitting and giggling like a happy school child. We did good and we did her good