#okay like i know they do interact with eachother sometimes but like. not nearly enough

[cassioppenny]

i think the problem with pokemas to me is that there isn't actually that many interactions between cross generation characters. like it's a huge crossover game but red and silver haven't interacted ONCE???? you barely see characters becoming friends with characters outside of their game not counting the ocs. they haven't even the obvious interactions like irida meet bw era ingo. like. that's such an easy cool interaction and im fucking sick and tired of pla submas shit.

why bother with a crossover if the characters just usualy stick around with the other characters from their game

[silverechosandblankmasks]

Platonic Polyam Bench Trio Marriage AU

You guys asked, so here I am to deliver! Platonic Polyam Bench Trio marriage au where Tommy marries into Tubbo’s and Ranboo’s platonic marriage. (focus on Tommy lol)

NOTE; These are about the c!characters and not the irl people, and I'm writing this like a poly queerplatonic relationship okay? None of this is intended to be romantic or anything else and anything that is in this list is PLATONIC INTENTIONS ONLY

Edit; Now called the Bench Husbands Au

-It kinda all kicks off when about a week or so after Tommy gets out of Prison. (Note, nothing after the first stream after Tommy gets out is canon in this au, as well as some things before)

-Tubbo and Tommy finally have a small fight and argument, before talking, like really talking and Tubbo invite Tommy to come live with them in the mansion in snowchester once its done.

-Tommy doesn't really want to... but he’s tired and lonely and still scared to death and Tubbo promises he’s safe with them, plus if they lived together they could plan on how to kill Dream easier as well.

-Ranboo doesn't mind but after that he tries to go talk to tommy more, but Tommy isnt... the most receptive? Tommy is suffering still and is feeling very replaced and lonely, but doesn't excuse his kinda snippy behavior with Ranboo

-This finally comes to ahead when Ranboo snaps and calls him out, leading to another small fight, before Tommy apologizes and they also talk. This one is more in depth though and Tommy talks about what happened in exile, in the prison, and just general shitty stuff that's being going on. 

-Ranboo, in turn, talks to him about the voices and Dream’s voice and the sleepwalking and Tommy is very much more concerned about them then anyone else he told was, and validates the fear about it, and resolves to help Ranboo get rid of it somehow.

-After this, and both trying to convince the other they should tell Tubbo, that they both probably need to tell Tubbo. They want to keep him safe and not worry him, but... they both need help in different ways and they both love him enough to not do that to him.

-The night ends with lots of tears, Tubbo admitting his own traumas and tears and what he’s been not saying, and a promise to help each other.

-Its not a while after that actually Ranboo brings up the idea of adding Tommy to their marriage. He can tell the blond is struggling with feeling replaced and low-self esteem, and it would help him feel more equal and loved maybe? Tubbo thinks its a great idea and they go to ask Tommy.

-Tommy’s pretty uppity at first, he believes its just them pitying him and treating him like glass again, which he hates more then anything, but after they calm him down and explain they just want him to feel equal and that they both actually cared for him and wanted him to join in on their thing, he’s more contemplative. Ranboo nervously throws in a few other points, like how for legal reasons it could benefit him like it was for them, their allies had to leave him alone, plus Tubbo only started making his own hotel becuase he wanted Tommy to start interacting with him again, and-

-At this point Tommy just, interrupts and says yes, surprising them. They didn't exactly think he’d say no, but they thought it would be harder then that. He laughs at their expressions and says why not? Plus it stood to reason they’d want Tommy, everyone wanted Tommy.

-Ranboo and Tubbo exchange a look before bullying their now platonic fiancée. They agree to get married as soon as the Mansion is done, and till then Tommy can finish packing his stuff and a few other things he wanted to do.

-Also Tommy is totally not avoiding Michael because every pet he ever got close to has died and he doesn't want to get attached and risk Tubbo and Ranboo losing something they cared about because of him, no siree, why wouldn't you think that?

-Speaking of Michael!

-Its not all that strange to keep undead mobs like Zombie piglins as pets, in fact Zombie Piglins are the probably better undead mob to keep around due to their mostly passiveness if you want a pet and the fact they don't need much to eat and wont really be harmed if out leave them alone for long periods of time

-Though Tommy kinda thinks Tubbo and Ranboo’s insist on treating him like their child is weird, but he’s willing to let them have it, clearly it made them happy to play around

-Isn't until he finally moves in that he realizes that Michael is different then other zombie piglins and finds himself being pulled into the parent dynamic as well

-Though now that he thinks about it, something about Michael seems off… welp it's probably nothing :)

-When the mansion is done, he tears down the dirt shack and makes it a community garden and it becomes one of the only things that stays free of the red vines (who knew watering it with water from the holy land would make it untouchable? It's thanks to this garden later others figure out how to defeat the egg)

-They elect to not have a ceremony, not now at least but Tommy actually thinks a small wedding party would be fun at a later date. Ranboo doesn't mind much if they have one or not but Tubbo is actually very excited about planning it.

-Tommy wears his ring on a necklace most of the time, but occasionally wears it on his fingers, usually when he needs something to fiddle with.

-Ranboo wears his on his tail (the area right before to fluffy part) normally but also wears it on his finger sometimes when he feels like it. (If your version has horns, he also does that too) it just really depends on what he’s feeling and if he’s forgotten where he put it. He also like, never takes it off unless to move it around because he’s afraid to lose it.

-Tubbo wears his as an actual ring on his finger (though if he has horns, sometimes he puts it on one of em if he needs the ring to be off his hand.) Tubbo learned the hard way when building nukes or other machinery (since, if you can believe it, his husbands aren’t that comfortable with the nukes as he is) you can't wield or do high heat stuff while wearing metal and nearly lost his finger. He’s very lucky and he has a small scar from it.

-Each of them have their own rooms so they can have their own space and somewhere to go if they want time to themselves/store their stuff in, but there is a 4th room (directly across from Michaels) where they share and tend to curl up to sleep together. About 5 out of 7 days of the week, some combo of them are cuddling together at night, more if they're having a bad day or nightmares.

-There's multiple bathrooms in the mansion but there's one they all like the best and will fight over it/race to get into it first before the others and the other two will stalk off salty to use a different one

-They're all pretty tactile people but out of them, Tommy is the most tactile (once the fear of being hurt recess he practically attaches himself to the others) and Ranboo is the least (he won't seek out comfort and touch as much as the others unless he needs it, but is the best at telling when the other two need touch or need to be left alone) and Tubbo is in the middle of that.

-Tommy is the one that cooks most of the time, Ranboo is banned from it after The Incident and while Tubbo is okay at cooking, Tommy just knows more recipes and how to make things taste really good.

-Tommy picked up sewing from when he was a kid, even before he was found by Wilbur and adopted by Phil, it was useful to be able to patch the rags he called clothes, and just ended up continuing because his brothers and dad sucked at sewing. It then morphed into full tailoring because he found it relaxing and liked being able to make his own clothes. He can and will be insulted if anyone wears anything he deems ‘ugly’, especially his new husbands. He makes them clothes all the time, specially Michael.

-In fact he also cleans the most, he just gets bored and while he makes a mess, if the house gets to a certain point he gets really uncomfortable and overstimulated, so he cleans.

-DomesticInnit? In my au? More likely then you think!

-Gradually the whole ‘watching the prison’ and ‘planning to kill Dream’ starts to fade as he gets back into the groove of living again and therapy. He’s just… tired of Dream having a hold on everything Tommy does, he’s sick of it. So… he just tries to live these days one step at a time. (Healing arc baby! Dream can die mad UwU)

-Tommy dragged them both to Therapy with him after a while.

-Because of this he finds himself home a lot with Michael, especially if the other two are busy. They’ve pretty much decided that someone has to be home with Michael at all times, which is now 100% more doable with the 3 of them, and Puffy or Foolish babysit if there’s ever time they can't.

-Tommy is a lot less of a hovering helicopter parent then the others and was the one to finally convince them Michael cant live trapped in a room. Yes, they were all worried for his safety but… you can't raise a kid in a cell, even if it's a nice one. Tommy takes Michael out more

-Tommy started to sleep walking again once they moved in and he still gravitates towards water for some reason. Nothing more startling then waking up because you plunged into frigid below 0 temp water while sleepwalking. Ranboo also enderwalks/sleepwalks more as well and there've been some nights where Tubbo has had to track them both sleepily walking around and make sure they don't hurt themselves or drown or something. At least Ranboo is semi-aware when enderwalking and normally just does weird ender things, Tommy likes to apparently walk into oceans or climb the mansion and nearly fall off and wander hundreds of blocks away. Tubbo’s not salty at all, really.

-Sapnap, Quackity, and Karl are 100% salty the benchtrio got platonically married before they got married

-They fight about last names all the time despite none of them actally taking eachothers last name, and if they happen to pick and choose on which one they’re feeling based on mood, well they can do what they want!

-However its agreed Michael’s last name is hyphenated so he’s now ‘Michael Beloved-Underscore-Innit’

These are all I have for now, feel free to ask about it or use my ideas! <3

[oligbia]

Indulge

Aged up! Mina AshidoXReader

NSFW, Minors don't interact :)

Warnings: Mild degrading, receiving oral, scissoring

A/N: my smut is still bad, but, ya know, you can't get better without practice. Anyways it's like 1am that I'm finishing this and I'm not gunna edit it: so you get what you get whores.

Sometimes, there are times when you can't have enough. And, sometimes you just have to indulge. And, Mina had been craving you all day. Your touch, the way you always rested a hand on her hip when she kissed you, your body pressed against hers, she wanted you. As soon as she had finished patrols and her workday was done, she wasted no time trying to get home.

You were washing the last few dishes from the last couple days when Mina opened the door. She wandered over to you, hanging her keys up.

You didn't turn around to see her slowly walking behind you when you called out to her. "Welcome home, baby."

She wrapped her arms around your waist, her body pressed against yours. Her head rested on your shoulder. She hummed, "It is good to be home." Her voice wasnt above a low whisper in your ear, practically purring.

You froze for a second, slightly off put from her embrace. You continued to dry the last few dishes, much slower now. Mina slowly pressed further against you, hands wandering from your waist to your chest, her fingertips brushing breast bone.

You cleared your throat, face growing red as your heart increased. "Was work okay?"

"It was great, saving people as always. But you know what?"

You closed your eyes, loosing yourself slowly in her touch. Her fingers were feathers against your breasts, nearly touching them but still teasing.

"You were all I could think about." Her voice was faint against your ear, chills rushing down your spine.

Her hand wandered from your breasts to your chin, moving your head to face hers. She smiled, biting her lip as she looked at your face.

"That's what I wanted to see. You look so cute like that, all hot and bothered!" She giggled, spinning your body to face hers. She pressed her forehead to yours, lips inches from yours.

"Can I kiss you, angel?"

You nodded softly, Mina's lips crashing to yours. Her lips were soft, tasting of strawberry lip gloss and mint chewing gum. She tasted sweet, just like her. But, it's was there's moments alone you got to know what she was like intamently. You were the only one who could ever taste her strawberry kisses, the only one to feel the way her hand held your waist as she held you close to her.

Her tounge met yours, your kisses quickly growing sloppy. You felt your body pressed firm against the counter, hands grasping the edge for support. Mina pulled back from the kiss, pressing open kisses and licks along your jawline and neck. Soft noises of pleasure escaped through your parted lips, much to Mina's delight.

"Sound, so, pretty" she mumbled between kisses, her hand wandering blow your shirt to feel against your tummy and lower back. Her hands were still cold from the night of work, goosebumps trailing up and down your arms.

Mina pulled back, looking at you with a smile. She moved a stand of your hair behind your ear. "You're beautiful, so pretty."

Mina grabbed your hand, pulling you behind her as she ran to your shared bedroom. You trailed behind her, stumbling in a daze.

She waists no time pushing you onto the bed, crawling ontop of you. She always looked so ethereal on top of you, her form looming over yours.

She pressed her strawberry lips to yours again, her kiss slower this time. Your pulse quickened as Mina worked to pull your shirt off your head and discard it onto the floor. She pulled back, fingers hovering over the clasp of your bra, watching you to make sure you were comfortable. You nodded, lifiting your back as she unhooked the bra, your breasts falling out.

Mina pressed soft kisses into your chest, slowly massaging them in her hands. "You're so pretty baby, so, so pretty."

You whined under her touch, growing with anticipation. She took one breast into her mouth, swirling her toung around your nipple. You squirmed under her touch, mewling at her touch. She pulled off your breast with a loud 'pop', your breast wet with her spit. She moved to the other breast, giving it the same attention. Your hands worked through her curls. Tugging at them when her toung flicked your nipple. Mina moaned around your breast.

Your felt your arousal begging to grow, rubbing your thighs together. You whined out as Mina pulled back, watching your face contort with need.

"Baby, do you need something?" She had a menacing grin, her eyes lidded over. Her fingertips traced the hem of your shorts.

"Mina, please-" Your voice was whiney. She knew exactly what you wanted, and she wanted it just as much.

"Use yours words, love. What do you want? Do you want me to fuck you baby? Do you want that?"

You whined, her hands so close to where you wanted them.

"C'mon, use your words. Tell me what you want." Her fingers moved to your thighs, kneading them in her hands. She placed gentle kisses on your stomach.

"Mina, please, I want you to fuck me."

Mina giggled, pulling your shorts off you. "What a dirty girl. But since you asked, I'm more than happy to indulge in that pretty pussy, baby."

She pressed kisses along your thighs, leaving small nips here and there. Sounds of pleasure slipped from your lips as her face neared your heat. She slowly pulls off your panties, tossing them off to the ground. She took off her own shirt and bra, winking at you.

She placed a small kiss on your clit, followed by a trail of open kisses down your folds. Your thighs shook under her grip, high pitched sighs and babbles leaving your lips. Your noises and desperation only excited Mina more, her toung dipping in and out of your sopping pussy.

"What a pretty pussy, all for me. You taste so good, baby." Her kisses grew loud and sloppy, sucking against your essence. Your sighs turned to moans, only Mina was able to drive you this level of unwravled.

Her tounge was deep inside you know, sucking on your cunt like her life depended on it. Her nose brushed against your cunt, your hips rocking into her mouth as a unholy moan escaped your lips.

Your voice was nothing more than a convoluted mess of stammers and whines. "Mina- im close"

"Go ahead and cum pretty girl~" Her voice was playful and teasing against your heat, taking no time to go back to suck on your clit. Her laps and sucks were lewd and sloppy, edging you closer and closer to your finish. Another series of babbles escaped your lips as you toppled over your finish. Mina licked up your juices, pulling off of you with a series of soft kisses to your now swollen folds.

She slipped her own pants and panties off, crawling back ontop of you. She pressed kisses along your jaw, landing her lips softly to yours. She pulled back, for head to yours. "Do you think you can go one more time, love?"

You nodded, and Mina smiled. "Good girl."

She wrapped your legs around her waist, your clit brushing against her own in a pleasurable friction. Mina groaned, a high pitched sigh escaping your lips. Mina rocked her hips foward, your sexes connecting together. You followed her pace rocking with her. Moans and mewls of pleasure floating from the two of you. Mina's hand found yours, slipping against your palm to connect your fingers.

"Are you close baby?" Mina let out a sinful moan as you brushed against her again, a whine leaving your lips in response.

"Cum with me, angel, we can cum together." Mina's voice was nothing more than highpitched moans as your nails dug into her hands, slicks brushing against eachother, both of you nearing an end.

You came first, Mina following you, your juices mixing together. Mina released your legs from her waist, placing soft kisses along your thighs. She kissed your lips softly, followed by your cheeks and your forhead.

"You did so good, such a good girl. I'll go start us a bath, okay love?"

[dinglemingle]

What are 5 of your fave underrated or not talked about a lot robron scenes??? Hope you’re having a great day love! ❤️❤️

Hello love! Hope you’re well ❤️ Sorry for the late reply I really couldn’t pick this was a struggle™

There's so much content to choose from so this was hard,but i’ve narrowed it down to just the 5 (there were so many others though) They're in no particular order,and I have to be honest,despite being here for around 5 years now,I know nothing about anything so forgive me if some of these aren’t underrated.

1) Katie's funeral. Makes me FERAL! The whole episode,but especially this scene. I adore the angst of it all. Such husband power couple vibes despite the fact they're arguing. Iconic

2) LOOK AT THEM! ANGST!!! Right at the beginning of the affair (that wasn't even really an affair yet) the yearning coupled with the tension. The period where they kinda hated eachother but also really wanted eachother is just A+

3) Okay more light-hearted! Ripping off Mandy (it's what she deserved) Personally I really enjoyed the little mini sls where it's more chill and fun and they're criminals together. Also sex on the money how very them

4) In a very similar vein, smashing Al's car (again, it's what she deserves) Marlon and Robron? Yes please my faves. Also just helping out family is quite a nice thing,imo they were kinda isolated sometimes so I liked seeing them with the better members of the Dingle family who they don't interact with as often. (Also Al is the king of wooden planks and a smug prick so...)

5) Okay now I feel like this isn't underrated at all but I love it too much not to include. To be honest,I almost didn't because I refuse to believe that Ryan left and I physically can't watch the last few eps because they hurt too much,that being said this moment is just so soft! Aaron's bittersweet smile,he knows they're leaving everything behind,but he's got Robert and that's enough. Rob's little sway,he knows he's gonna give himself up,he knows this is one of the last proper moments he'll get with Aaron,so he's savouring it completely. It's heartbreaking but also incredibly loving. The calm before the storm if you will. And I'm a slut for Aaron comforting Robert.

Honourable mentions to The first hug, during affair era after Cains aneurysm. Robert just pulling him in, Aaron being all wtf is this. The fact they were so obviously in love then wow (This nearly made it in but I couldn't find the gif because this hell site hates me)

The weed SL because what even was that! Specifically Roberts little riddle because he's a shit and I love him for it. Robron v Ross adds 10 years to my life

The wedding 1.0 head kiss because I'm soft for head kisses

Winning the pub quiz (I was so tempted to include this you don't even know) Again I love light hearted little things and them being quiz connoisseurs is a testament to the power they hold. They own Emmerdale wbk

The picnic!! Love a good picnic, love a good clothes swap,win win

Aaron's 2017 birthday kiss (in the bar before they go do the whole roulette thing) it's just a simple kiss but it shows so much and Robert looks so in love. (Also the suit and Rob chewing out Chrissie we stan)

All of these could have been included if I'd done this on a different day,but I'd already put it off too long because I'm ridiculously indecisive.

Anyways...I drag on I'm sorry ahh. Thanks so much for the ask :)

[lifeafterten]

RtN 06: Kathmandu... Dude, Where am I?

Please note that everything from this point on is new as fuck to me. Walking down the steps as we got off the plane I felt... Cold as shit. Beneath my pull over I felt my skin prickle as I struggled to suppress a shiver. I breathed out slowly. It took me a while to recognize the wispy puffs as my breath in the cold night air.  Ah shit. Well, that’s a first. Lani smiled at me, her eyes glowing in her excitement despite the time (which was late), “We’re here!”

We certainly were. If the large “Welcome” sign with a Buddha statue was any indication. 

I felt my hand tighten around the duffel strap resting on my chest. Well Ashley, you managed to get your ass here. Now what? It was a valid question, but I assumed first order of business was to be where we needed to be.. and where we needed to be was where the crowd was.  Very fish-like... This whole “following-the-crowd” business. Very salmon-swimming-up-stream feel. Too many people. Too many bodies. Not enough room. Not enough air. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep quiet as I tried to keep my panic internal.  I’m successful. I was able stamp down the panic quickly and viciously-- feeling accomplished that I haven’t reached the sweating stage.

Going through customs was as nerve wracking as it was... nerve wracking. A plethora of To-Do’s popped in my noggin all at once. Making lists soothes me.

1. Turn in paperwork 2. Find baggage claim 3. Turn in more paperwork 4. Find transportation to Hotel 5. Try not to dwell on who the fuck we’re meeting up with.

Truthfully, 1-4 didn’t bother me nearly as much as 5 did. 1-4 was something I can gladly figure out, I’m good with necessity-- horrible at Humaning. We figured that Paul (Lani’s friend who had invited us on this little excursion) wasn’t going to make it. Sorta figured that part since Hong Kong-- The man went M.I.A for a tad, after apologizing profusely to Lani via WhatsApp.  Don’t know the man personally, but I’ve heard good things from just about everyone.  So this wasn’t a normal occurrence, according to Lani... and that’s all well and good, but that just leaves us with two of Paul’s friends Zach and Adrian. Don’t rightly know who is whom, which Lani finds hilarious that I didn’t correspond with either nor did I even get nosy enough to take a peek at their profile pictures on the WhatsApp group Paul started.  It’s not that I didn’t have an interest on who was coming, I just thought it best to meet people organically.  This generation puts way to much stock on digital meetings that it gets depressing.  And let’s face it-- I can be a little old fashioned sometimes. Despite my lack of digital interaction I was aware that Zach was the more socially active one, I can safely deduce this by the more consistent communication between him and Lani. Truthfully, I don’t think we heard much from Adrian. Hailing our first Nepal Taxi we packed our things in the trunk and slid across pleather seats.

I reached for my seat belt out of habit, because... you know, I like not dying and shit-- but turns out my motives for safety were for naught because this taxi did not have any. No seat belts.  Driver was on the right side. Driver was driving on the left side--Right side--Whatever fucking side he wanted. I was learning that the traffic signs and lanes and rules were more of a suggestion rather than an actual anything. And there were no seat belts. ... Yeah the seat belt thing kinda bothered me. After a few quick-- startlingly sharp-- turns we pull up to the side of the road next to a dark (of course it’s fucking dark, it’s night time) alley. Lani and I looked at eachother, I offered a small, tired smile. “The map did say we’d have to do a short walk to the hotel.” Again, I said this with a calm I did not feel. Feels like I’m gonna be doing that shit alot for the next couple weeks. We smiled politely and paid the man and slid our packs onto our shoulders, duffles and side bags strapped over our chests. “Hotel is not far. Everything okay.” Our taxi driver assured us in heavily accented English before driving away, and we stood on the street staring at the mouth of the alley in silence. I stood there in quiet contemplation.  It’s only a small walk, right? ... Through an unlit alley in a strange country. Just a couple of Guam girls frolicking through the unexplored streets of Nepal. At night. Strapped with every possession we have on our bodies. Passport. Funds. Livelihood. Whatever, right? I’m totally cool with it. ... I totally wasn’t cool with it. ”Welp,” I broke the silence with a jovial tone I once again did not feel and sallied forth, “Let’s get this show on the road.” It really was a short walk, but wandering through uncharted territory always make things feel longer. Our eyes wide to take in as much light as we could as we scanned through the poorly lit street.  We eventually made it to the hotel aptly named Hotel Buddha. It appeared brightly lit compared to the other shops surrounding it, deeming it an actual sight for sore eyes. I felt relief. One more thing to check off the list. I felt calmer knowing that the more things we check off my mental list, the more I felt on track.  I need structure. Too many things are out of my control in life-- I find the ones I can control precious. 

We were escorted to our room as quietly as you please (again, it was the middle of the night), every echo sounding like a shout. You can tell the room had been aired out briefly, but not long enough for the air still held that stale, stuffy feel. Like the air had just started circulating after a bout of stagnancy.  I didn’t take pictures of the room-- I’m shitty at documenting imagery. I’m usually too focused on experiencing with my own eyes and getting lost in my train of thought. But I found a picture that was close enough.

Disclaimer: it wasn’t as well lit. And the picture is way over produced to even touch the reality. This picture is...  more of a romanticized version of what our room was. Though the bed set up was accurate: crisp, white sheets complimented the bold colors of maroon and gold. The beds weren’t uncomfortable; the sheets were clean, there was running water and we weren’t exposed to the elements. Nothing to complain about. It was comfortable enough for me... Well, as comfortable as I could be in a strange room in a strange hotel in a strange place. Ah. There was that feeling small feeling again. I’d have shaken myself if I didn’t think I’d look even more crazy than I felt.  I managed to curb the urge. Just barely.

It wasn’t until I placed my bags onto my designated bed for the next few days when Lani with her phone in hand, decided to drop the bomb on me. “We’re meeting up with Zach and Adrian.” Oh shit. Now now now, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with these guys-- Just don’t know ‘em from Adam.  “--- think Adrian just landed an hour or so before us.” my friend kept on while I tried to quell my inner panic for what seemed like the millionth time since we fucking landed. 

I’m not good at meeting new people. I’d already decided on doing the generic cheek kiss thing, knowing if they touched my hands it’d be a dead giveaway that I was an anxious pile of shit.  “---Meeting up in about fifteen minutes, you cool with that? Is that enough time?” Goodness was she still talking? Damn what did she say? Using the power of deduction I’ve gathered that she meant that we were meeting up with them in about 15. I would assume they’re dropping by the hotel, I vaguely remember her saying something-- damn my half listening-- about them being at a bar. --- Wait. Bar. Bar means beer. I could use a beer. I nodded, “yeah, that’s more than enough time.” I was proud that my voice didn’t waver, but instead sounded calm and collected-- dare I say even nonchalant. Good job, Ashley. For not sounding like a little bitch.  Fake it ‘till you make it. That has become my mantra. I wasn’t going to change clothes, so I was pretty much ready... Didn’t really wear make up so I didn’t have anything to fix... So I used this time, instead, to mentally prepare. I’ve learned I had to do this a lot throughout the years. If I don’t, I usually give in to the urge to flee.  Probably not the best thing to do in a foreign place. At night. Did I mention I was in a foreign place? Lani and I found ourselves outside the hotel waiting for our new friends.  I’ve decided on friends, I’m trying out this whole open thing.  I’m not very good at it, but I’m trying. I heard a shout from down the road, two figures amongst other figures walking the street appeared to be making a beeline in our direction. I don’t know about you, but I thought it safe to assume they were who we were waiting for. I also thought it was safe to assume the one with his hands in the air literally waving it like he just don’t care was Zach.

(Disclaimer: Zach isn’t asian. Just happy. Happy to see us or happy in general, I’d guess the latter.) 

The duo got closer. One was smiling. One was not. I immediately deemed the smiling one as Zach, and the one making an attempt at a lip curl that wasn’t a snarl but not quite a smile either was Adrian.

I did my generic “nice to meet you” cheek kissy thingie that seem girls get away with, while Lani did her genuine smile and greetings-- I do envy that of her.   Zach and Lani got on well almost immediately, animated expressions and wide, toothy grins. Happy expressions; excited expressions. I don’t know what to make of Adrian. He makes the same faces I do. Limited. Although his expressions are more limited than mine-- like he’s had more practice. He’s hard to read. I don’t know if I like that much. We immediately start walking in search of a drinking establishment; apparently the bars close a bit early here. It became clear, very quickly, that we basically follow the crowd and the music. I’m hanging back a little bit-- not only because that’s just what I do, but because they’re all pretty tall so I had a wee bit of trouble keeping up with their long legged strides with my stumps I call legs.

We stumbled across a place we deemed the Ninja Turtle Bar, nothing overly creative on our part, really. We just saw a painted rendition of the turtles on the wall and deemed it so.  I heard the music before we entered the elevator, and I felt the music in my chest as we entered it.  As the doors opened we were met with strobe lights and a smokey atmosphere-- cigarettes or a smoke machine I could not tell you.  The music was loud. They were playing 90′s jams which normally I’d not mind if I didn’t feel every beat ricochet in my chest cavity. It was loud... Pretty smokey, we weren’t feeling the vibe so we got a shot in good faith and got the hell out of dodge.

So the first place didn’t work out. No big deal. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits. I think. Wasn’t sure about that Adrian dude, still can’t get a decent read.  Although we did exchange a look of affectionate indulgence when we witnessed Zach and Lani just living their best life. His for Zach, mine for Lani. At least we can agree that we were travelling with balls of sunshine personified.  Maybe I was glad that I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t that overtly cheerful.  Nothing wrong with being cheerful, just don’t think I could handle that much energy for long periods of time.  Shit. I just got tired thinking about it just now.

With positivity and willpower we found ourselves in a dessert cafe/bar. I know, weird combination, but it was quaint, quiet, and they had beer. I wasn’t going to complain. The staff were friendly and good natured. Zach made friends almost immediately. I’m thinking he does that everywhere he goes. I aspire to be a Zach one day. To be that open and free. I used to be at one point. I have a feeling I know what happened, but I don’t want my mind to go there. I’m on vacation dammit. And I’m negative enough as it is. I’ve never been so glad to see that Lani had poured me a glass of brew.  I plead the sip.

After a few (drinks or hours-- I can’t remember which) we collectively agreed it was time to turn in.  We bid the friendly staff a grinning goodnight-- err morning... whatever-- and stepped out into the street to make our way back to the hotel.

Before leaving earlier that night, the guards told Lani and I to just knock on the security grilles (those pull down shutter lookin’ thingies idfk what they’re called) when we want to be let back in.  Knock knock. Who’s there? We’re back. Welcome back. End scene.

We exchanged ‘good night’s and ‘see you in the morning’s with the boys and headed to our room. Lani was asleep almost immediately as I spent most of the night staring at the back of my eye lids for an hour, before giving up on sleep entirely and eventually opening them to watch the outside change from night to day and listen to the chickens crow signalling the start of a new day while my mind and body are still living yesterday. And the day before. TBC...

[angededesespoir]

We can’t always get what we want

A/N:   For Day 1- Past/Then and Now.  

.....Tfw the characters go off script & you just kinda have to roll w/ it and rework your plans.

(Anyway, so despite my original intentions, this wound up becoming Jesse pining after Jack & Gabe, and instead of Jack and him getting together like I originally wanted, they wind up becoming really close friends (w/ Jesse still having feelings for him.....and Jack’s feelings are a bit ambiguous, I suppose).  This is mostly centered on Jack & Jesse, but I will say that Gabe and Jack are together in this fic. [briefly & in implied statements] because I’m a multishipper & despite trying to suppress it, one of the OTPs had to emerge, I guess.  (*Glares at myself*  Can you not do one thing right?)  

I’m thinking I’m probably going to try writing another thing for this prompt, too, where I can actually manage to get Jack & Jesse together.

For now, complicated friendship will have to do.)

Anyway, hopefully this is okay.

(Can be read on AO3.)

He’s just turned twenty when he starts to notice the feelings emerge.

It happens suddenly, after a particular incident, late one night when he had gone to deliver a report to Reyes.  He approached the open door quietly, about to knock when his eyes locks onto the pair.  He instinctively moves back into the shadows, watches the commanders as they tenderly kiss, hands lovingly caressing eachother.  He knows he should probably leave, but he can’t seem to make himself turn away.  

He has never seen the two so gentle, so seemingly at ease.  He has only seen them hard at work, focused and serious (the occasional joke or smile, of course, but nothing like this).  

There’s a sudden pang in his heart as he watches.  ‘This is love,’ he realizes.   This is love, and it hits him just how badly he wants a taste.

He hastily moves back down the hall (he’s already seen too much, and he doesn’t want to risk getting caught), heads to his room, original task forgotten.

He cannot get the image out of his head.  He can’t help but fantasize- an alternation of Jack’s soft lips and Gabriel’s cracked ones against his own, what their muscular bodies would feel like pressed against him.

He keeps flicking back to Jack, though.  He doesn’t get the privilege of seeing him often, of interacting with him much.

He wants that more than anything.

--

It’s a few months later when he finally works up the nerve.  

He’s rattling on about a report and when he reaches the end, when he still holds the commander’s full attention, he asks him on a date.  Nothing big- just a dinner date over a movie on TV.  

(He figures that few to no people know about the two commanders, and he doesn’t quite know how to approach Gabriel, how to voice his desires, how to face possible rejection.  But with Jack, there’s still distance.  If something goes wrong, he’s easier to avoid.  It’d be easier to pretend like nothing happened.

And regardless of how things went, he figures this is the easiest way of killing two birds with one stone.  Jack will have to tell Reyes about the encounter, he thinks.)

Jack looks stunned.  “This is.....unexpected.”

Jesse rubs the back of his neck nervously, but tries to act flippant, like it doesn’t matter to him if the man accepts or not.  “It’s nothing serious or anything.  I just thought you could use a little break, a little fun.  If it makes you feel more comfortable, you can invite Commander Reyes to join us.”

He swears for a second that Jack looks like he’s seen a ghost, but then he’s composed again.  “Why would I-”

“It’s okay,” Jesse cuts him off.  “I know about the two of you.  Don’t worry, I won’t say anything.”

Jack tries not to show any emotion, but Jesse can sense the uneasiness..

“Listen, Jack,” he gives a pause, tests the water.  Morrison does not object.  “I like the two of you.  A lot.  I reckon it’d be nice to spend some time with y’all outside of work, where we can toss aside titles and just enjoy time together as equals.  There’s no pressure.  Take your time to think it over, discuss it with...Gabriel.”

Jack shifts in his chair.  “.....Jesse, listen, I like you.  You’re a good agent.  But have you thought about this?  How it would look if I-  I mean, with our positions, not to mention age...”

Jesse rests a hand on the desk, leans forward.  “Jack, I’ve thought about this.  I thought about this for months.  Listen, I’m not a kid.  I know there’s possible repercussions.  But I trust you two.  And I trust we can all keep work separated from our personal lives.”

Jack smiles, shakes his head.  “You act as if that’s a simple thing, McCree.  But for both Gabriel and I, our lives are our work.”

He clears his throat.  “Listen, Jesse, I appreciate your.....admiration, but I don’t think I can reciprocate in the manner you desire.  If you wish, we can try to be friends, but I don’t think anything more would be appropriate at this time.”

McCree shifts.  “It’s the rank, ain’t it?”

Morrison smiles sympathetically.  “It’s many things.  I’m sorry.”

Jesse shrugs, looks down at his feet.  “Well, I guess I’ll be going.”

Morrison looks like he’s about to say something; Jesse doesn’t give him a chance.

He’s too busy trying to hold back tears.

--

It’s two years later.  He’s managed to grow closer to Jack.  The desire still burns, and sometimes when he catches sight of his smile, there’s a fluttering in his chest. (It’s the same thing with Gabriel, but his smile is much more rare.  It’s a beautiful sight to behold, for those lucky enough to see it.  He does what he can to receive such a blessing.

He has not told Gabriel his feelings.  If it didn’t work for Jack, it probably won’t for Gabe, and besides- he doesn’t want to cause any conflict between them.

Reyes has never confronted him about his conversation with Jack.  Jesse does not know what this means.

He tries his best to crush his hope, to keep his desires in check.)

He meets Morrison when they can.  They share some coffee and sometimes Jesse can convince Jack to eat a pastry or a bagel.  (It worries him, how little the commander seems to eat, how dark the circles are under his eyes.)  He tells him about missions, he tells him stories, he vents.   Jack listens, but he rarely talks about his own workload or his personal life.

Jesse doesn’t press him.

--

It’s a year later and he’s standing at the door of the office, two mugs in hand, about to announce himself.

He freezes in place.  He has never seen the commander cry, but here he is- face flushed, tears streaming, choking on sobs as his frame shudders.

He can’t think, so he acts.  He’s rushing forward, placing the mugs on the desk, and cautiously approaching the distraught man.  He starts whispering his name, hand hovering above Jack’s bicep, half-hesitant to make contact.

Jack turns, startled.  He frantically begins wiping at his eyes, the tears refusing to stop.  “J-Jesse.  Sorry, I must’ve forgotten about our meeting.”

“Jack, it’s okay.”  He finally works up the courage to rest his hands gently on the still trembling arms.  Jack does not move or protest, so he takes it that this is acceptable.  “What’s wrong?”

Morrison avoids his eyes, wipes at his face again.  “It’s nothing.  Nothing.”

“Jack, this doesn’t look like nothing.”  He hesitates.  “Listen, you don’t haveta tell me, but it ain’t good to bottle up so much emotion.  You should finish letting it out. I can stay, if you need, or if you’d rather I go, I can do that, too.”  He rubs an arm reassuringly.  “Just know I’m here for ya, if you need me.”

The tears are still coming, and Jack bites his lip.  After a pause, there’s a weakly whispered, “Stay, please?”

Jesse nods.  “Of course.  I’ll stay as long as you need.”  

He pulls the man towards him, embraces him lightly.  Jack’s head is resting on his shoulder.  He can feel the tears soaking through his shirt, the shuddering chest against his own, struggling for air between sobs.

He doesn’t know what to do or say, so he pulls him closer, begins a mantra of, “It’ll be Okay.”  He repeats it until the words lose meaning, until Jack is still against him, his face stained, but drying.

He continues to hold him.

--

This begins to happen more frequently, as the cracks begin to show.

--

He’s nearly 25 when he decides to leave.  He hates seeing the rise in corruption (barely veiled by this point), hates to think that he might soon find himself in another gang masquerading as an organization.

It also pains him to see Jack unraveling by the day, to watch his relationship with Gabriel crumbling.  There’s nothing he can do, and at this point, little comfort he can provide.

He sees a part of Jack dying when he delivers the news.  (Gabriel was easier.  Serious, somewhat stoic, but in a way,  gentle, supportive.)  He nods solemnly, gives his okay.  

Jesse wishes he can take him from this place, too.  Take Reyes away with them.  This place has destroyed the two of them, robbed them of their once brilliant light.

They deserve more.

He turns away.  There is nothing he can do for them.

--

He’s back in the states, drinking in a bar, when he hears the news.  There’s been a explosion back at the Swiss Base.  There don’t seem to be any survivors.

The images of Jack and Gabriel overtake his mind as he stares at the rubble on the screen.  He feels sick.

He calls the bartender over, orders another bottle of bourbon.

--

In the morning, he still remembers.  

--

No matter how much he drinks, he can’t forget them.  The voices fade with time, but the scenes still play out.

Sometimes when he shoots he can hear Gabriel’s voice, either a praise or a warning.  When he tries to form a strategy, he thinks of what his commander might have done.

Sometimes when he sits atop a train, the people in the train cars below him, munching on food and talking, he is transported back.  He remembers  Jack’s infectious laugh, his scowl when he drops a pastry and the jam stains his shirt.  (Jesse remembers holding back a laugh, going to wet a napkin, trying to help Jack while the man half-heartedly protests, telling him he doesn’t have to.  Jesse smiles, tells him it’s not a problem.  And it isn’t.  It allows him an ounce of the contact he craves.)  He remembers Jack cringing when he adds some whiskey to both of their drinks after a particularly rough day.  Jack protests, but drinks it anyway.

Sometimes McCree wonders if these memories are a curse or a blessing.  Overall, he tries not to dwell on them.

--

It’s a little over twelve years since he left when the call comes in.  

He’s tired of constantly running.  He wants to go back to the only place he could call home, even if the people he loved are no longer there.

It takes him awhile, but he returns.  There are few who have come back; still more left to find.

He lights a cigarillo and closes his eyes.

--

He’s still alive.

He feels too much and nothing at all.  Angela’s confession plays over and over in his head.

He stands in the shadows, looking out at two ghosts, knowing that a third is still out there.

Jack’s changed.  But so has McCree.  They’re both not exactly the same men they once were.

But under the rough exterior, McCree wants to believe that the essence of Jack still remains.

When Ana leaves to get more tea, he approaches, drops down by Soldier’s side with a, “Howdy,” and the tip of his hat.

Soldier doesn’t look, takes a sip of his drink.  “Angela told you.”  It’s more a statement than a question.

McCree is somewhat taken aback by how different the man’s voice sounds.  Deeper and rougher, the style more curt, less friendly and open.  “Yep.”

There’s silence.

“It’s good to have you back, Jack.”

He sees the hand tighten on the mug.  “That’s not my name.  I’m just a soldier now.”

‘You were never just a soldier.  Never to me.’  “Sorry,” he says.  He looks around for a second, then asks, “You down to see a movie?”

“I have work to do.  We have a mission coming up.”

He watches the man get up, joints a little stiff.  The mask covers his face, again.

McCree nods.  “Another time, then.”

He made it work back then; he can make it work again now.  It will just take time.

He can wait.

[ventingoutmyass]

9.10.18

Ten days will mark two years since I took my life back. Two years since I made the decision to end my pain.

I've talked many times about the toxic relationship I was in in 2015-2016. But I've never told the story.

Let's go back to March of 2015. I met this girl in my first hour class of my junior year. Across from me sat this jaw-dropping, beautiful girl. Long blonde hair, bright blue eyes, 5 feet of sass and charisma and personality. She was a preppy, popular girl with boys all over her. And yet, she took notice of me. I was awkward and quiet and didnt quite know how to dress or wear my hair. We starting talking and for about a month, things were great. I had started my first relationship and I was so excited.

In April, just like in every high school, prom was on everyone's mind. For some reason, I had decided that I didnt want to go to my junior prom. A couple days after telling her this, she was asked to the dance, in the class we shared, by a boy who was a friend of ours. I watched in horror as he played out this huge show and asked her. And I watched her say yes. My heart was breaking and I was physically shaking and I kept telling myself, "it's okay, hes a nice guy, he will treat her well". For the next three days I had this feeling like I had been punched in the chest, I couldn't breath right and it physically hurt. It was the first time I experienced emotional pain physically, and the first time that pain continued the next morning. And the morning after that. Two days later, she told me she wanted to just be friends. Until this point in my life, it was the worst pain I've felt in one single moment. The next morning was the first time I smoked a cigarette. A price I'm paying to this day.

I decided to go to prom after that. Even if I couldn't be her date, I could at least spend a few minutes with her. The three of us actually ended up going sort of as a group, so I spent almost the entire night with her. We didnt get the dance to the song we wanted to, but I spent the night at her house that night. It was purely sweet and innocent, I cant tell you how happy I was to sleep next to her, to cuddle her, to wake up next to her and eat breakfast the next morning together with her family. I had the first taste of what a relationship was. I call this point in our relationship, the first peak.

Summer break came and I was excited at the opportunity to see her all day long some days if we wanted. To spend days together and eat meals and create memories. Although she lived three streets over from me, a five minute walk, I didnt see her until school started again.

In fact, I didnt see her again until the fourth day back. You see, when I talk about this relationship, I tell people that we lived very close, we were practically neighbors, but it was a long distance relationship. We rarely saw eachother besides the first two months and the last three. We never saw eachother, but we texted and used snapchat every minute of everyday to talk to eachother. I saw her for the first time in almost three months. It shouldn't been happy and we should've been excited but, it was more awkward than anything. We shared a small hug and a hello and went about our days. I still have the screenshot somewhere of the message she sent me that afternoon about how she wanted to cry and jump in my arms but just... didn't. I think that set the mood for the rest of the relationship.

Between that August and Jaunary 2016, it was a constant cycle of fighting followed by a few days of silence and making up and fighting a couple days later. It was non-stop for about five months. So on Febraury 1st, we decided to take a break. We agreed to take a little time apart and come back together in a few months. In February we each went on a date with someone else, and while I lost interest in the person I was talking to, she didn't.

The exact date was January 26th, this was the day I first noticed I was having suicidal thoughts.

In late March we began talking again. She told me she had a new boyfriend, but not much more than that. While I knew his name, I had never met him or even known what he looked like. As our relationship started back up, her boyfriend became sort of the elephant in the room. He was very much there, but rarely talked about.

This girl was very insecure, especially about her sexuality. She wanted to keep me a secret, because she was in the closet. Which dont get me wrong, that's perfectly fine! She refused to put a label on our relationship and never once said the word "girlfriend". She never made an effort to see me and whenever I made a suggestion to see her she made excuses, she never posted about me on any social media even as a friend. But as soon as this boy was in her life, she was all about him. They saw eachother all the time, met each others family, posted pictures hanging out and kissing every week. And whenever she had a complaint about him, she came to me.

The entire time she told me that he was a beard, for show, to say "I'm not gay, look at my boyfriend!" And for some reason, my depressed ass decided it was easier to believe it than to lose the girl I had fallen head over heels in love with. So I stayed. I stayed, and i suffered because of it.

They went to prom together by senior year, I had a single, 30 second interaction with her the entire night. I told her goodnight as I was leaving and she asked for a picture with me. So she handed her phone to her date, and he took a picture of us. She kissed me on the cheek, and I walked away, following my friends to an afterparty where I hoped to get so drunk that I would forget the night. We never found that party... So instead I got high in my driveway and sat at home crying while my friends were asleep on the floor around me. This prom night might've been just as painful as the last, but I didnt have her in my arms at the end of the night.

The following summer was... interesting? She finally came around to making sure to see me, since I wouldn't be at school the next year. In July of 2016 she told me about a four-day job she had to dogsit for a family friend. So behind her family's back, (who hated me by this point for "corrupting their daughter" and "ruining the relationship she has with this nice boy") she invited me to come with her while she visited the empty house for a few hours a day. These four days were by far the happiest we'd been the entire relationship. We kissed for the first time and we were intimate and it was honestly amazing and I had felt truly happy for the first time in over six months. The next few weeks were full of love and happiness, this was the true peak of the relationship. Her family started to warm up to me and I was invited to family parties and we were spending more quality time together than ever before. I thought it was genuinely getting better, that it was just going up from there. But there was one problem, she still had a boyfriend. The same story continued as I continued to suffer in silence at the idea that he was only for show, that she was just using him to make her family and friends happy. That she plans to break up with him and the right time hasn't come up, for months.

That story came to a halt on September 20th, 2016. She revealed to me the lie she had kept for an unknown time, possibly the entire time, that she was serious about her relationship with him. She told me "We are doing well, we aren't fighting, I'm going to stay with him". I can't say that I was heartbroken. By this point, I was in such constant pain, it felt like any other moment. The thing that possibly saved me, was that four days prior, I felt better. I continued to feel better for four days in a row. So I said enough was enough. Of course, I gave her a piece of my mind, and I left.

That was the day I began my recovery. In September of 2016, I was a walking body without a person inside of it. I was nothing of a person I once was. And I saw an opportunity. Since I have to rebuild and recover and became a person again, I decided I didn't want to be the person I was before. I didn't want to be the person I hated so much that I nearly killed myself over. I recreated a new person to be proud of. And who I rebuilt is who I am today. And while I still live everyday with the trauma that those days left me, I wake up every single morning, grateful for the person I am and the life I have and the strength I was able to gather from my support system and the rubble of who I once was. I am thankful everyday to live this life and to be surrounded by people who genuinely love me and care for me.

Without this relationship, I wouldn't be who I am. Not even close. I was torn down to nothing and I was able to create the person I always wanted to be. I learned my lessons and I learned to appreciate and I know how I deserve to be treated. I'm able to carry these lessons on for the rest of my life and to relationships for my future. And I have lots of poems to show my success

This tragic story had a happy ending.

💚💚

I'm on the road to recovery and I'm finally going the right direction

-508 September 18, 2016

I found a home away from home in your arms only to find out that sweet escape was nothing but a cage

-518 October 15, 2016

Sometimes I still miss you. Not even exactly you, but the idea of what we had. I miss always having somebody right at my fingertips, somebody who made me feel whole.

-523 October 29, 2016

In three months I've hit rock bottom and climbed myself to the highest point I could reach

-531 November 22, 2016

I'm still struggling not to think about her every minute of the day

-539 January 6, 2017

Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it

-550 April 5, 2017

All I want, is to feel nothing next time I see you

-556 April 20, 2017

It's okay if I'm not your favorite chapter you have written, but I hope you sometimes smile when you flip back to the pages I was still apart of

-569 August 12, 2017

I am in love with life and it's potentials

-574 October 17, 2017

Now that I know what it means to be dead, I can start living again

-579 November 5, 2017

Remember when you wanted what you currently have

-590 December 23, 2017

There's a person who once knew everything about me that there was to know, but who I was then has been burned alive. And I am thankful with every breath that I take, that the one who burned me, will never meet who I am today

-597 January 26, 2018

There will always be a reason why you meet people. Either you need them to change your life or you’re the one that will change theirs

-602 March 17, 2018

This may be a sad chapter, but you are not a sad story

-624 June 28, 2018

You haven't been through all that just to give up now

-627 July 14, 2018

I'm warming my hands on the bridges I've burnt

-633 July 30, 2018

The bravest thing she ever did was to stay alive each day

-634 July 30, 2018

We are always in recovery

-638 September 3, 2018

There's more to life than spending every day wishing you were dead

-641 September 3, 2018

❤❤