#okay but literally why is my internet connection ALWAYS against me when i really need it?

[witchwhaat]

if you see me on tumblr as i should be writing my master's, it's my internet connection failing me okay, it's not procrastination, i need you to know that

[31st3rd30th]

I have different personalities and identities idc. I used to be so hidden about this part of myself because I thought everyone lived in this world of being one person. That they all had who they are and they acted the same way but I was literally always changing. Like I had "modes" and different genders of myself. And not like systems or whatever the fuck it's called now, it just like a private play where I pretend to be something but it's really me because I'm playing the role as if I'm there.. like a part of me is this thing I'm trying to portray just a slight tweak or a change or a complete upheaval of myself and an opposite game.

And I find it interesting to see how kids these days internalize and externalize themselves through tiktok and social media. But for me it's always been this private world, and I like it for the most part.

Connected to that, I'm very anti-technology. Even though I grew up with an extensive access to Tumblr and the internet from 12 and up, I feel like my worldview was wrongfully shaped. From like before 12, there was a mystical sense of the world where I would literally run around and do whatever I wanted- I'd write or think or draw or sing and there wasn't a drop of ideological or societal rendering in that. Now, I feel like everything is about ideology. Everything is a form or message that pushes an agenda when creation of something at it's core should be a melding thought baby. There isn't anything under the sun that hasn't already been thought or done or performed, but I believe the reason why people are so different, is this individual output of your voice. You have a voice that is so specific to your experiences and world. Nothing is ever done the same at any point despite it being already being done. No story is ever told the same way despite it being told over and over again. Therefore, do it. Is what I think.

I can't hate tiktok or Tumblr or Instagram but I find that sometimes ideas and propaganda is pushed too readily and people are easy to fall into it believing they're participating and creating change when it's just falsified rage at the wrong thing.

But also it's about money, capitalism and power, but at its root, its capitalism and perceived value of things. It's strange. Like the more I'm learning about Marxism and Marxist ideas, okay we get it communism, socialism but when you look at capitalism, it's sort of a disease to art and creation. It accelerates the process of art and commodifies it into just an idea when art is representative of our soul and interactions - experiences and life is created into how much value we can accumulate or create through expression of ourselves. But it's wrongful and diseased. Nothing great comes from money but rather from the possessed spirit of art. Of the need to create. It should never be subsisted from money.

"Am I getting paid?" No. You're not. You will never get paid. You will never get paid anything. The world exists in creation but it doesn't run on money. So to live the best life, create and live in your own world. There's no suffering in a world where you live your truth rather than chasing monetary value. I believe this without a doubt FORRREALL. Even if people make the argument of those starving and suffering - it's because of capitalism. It's because of perceived view of value. If things were shared and communal and equal, it'd be possible to create advancements in society, but rather it's a hoarding of resources for like 3 people. It's insane to think of how things exist and how we fall into the trick of assuming that "Thats just the way it is."

In the end though, I realize that there's not much to do about the outside world. That things will move against or with you, and you have no control of things. But there is the spirit inside that calls you to something and I believe that. That spirituality and feeling of feelings is the only thing that should not be suppressed no matter how primitive, savage, revealing, dispelling, terrifying etc. That's where real humanity lies is the ability to feel without thinking of the consequences or monetization of it.

[just-a-leech-boy]

This isnt the essay tbh. I'm just thinking out loud. Idek man. End of the fucking world. We're all doomed

I am very hung up on the fact that two main modes of human expression: language and visual art, have been automated, and more importantly commodified.

I go to university. From personal observation of my fellow students, the use of chatgpt to do incredibly simple essay work is endemic. Literally every single person in my history class last term used it to write summaries of the reading. Even people who I know are smart, have said they used chatgpt to create outlines for essays. I don't understand the purpose of this; surely you are able to think through an outline for an essay? Surely this does not need to be automated. Chatgpt is cheating, to me. You cheated. You didn't have the thoughts you were meant to have. You let a computer do the thinking. Why are we here?

I think there is essentially a move away from thinking itself, especially with the fact that addiction to short form video content is completely real. I think people my age, but especially people younger than me, are mostly unaware of its addictive nature, and essentially everyone has no means to break free from it. I remember when I was a kid, and how my brain worked then, how thinking felt before I was addicted to my phone. Do the children now, who were given the internet as babies, even know that it is different?

I think it's the end of thought. No one wants to think. No one wants to read, no one wants to write. No one cares if things are good, they care if it's fast, or if it makes money. I think now with AI we are set on a path towards the degeneration of human intelligence and creation, all in the name of capital.

...

Okay next bit is gonna be like, shittily written cuz it's less clear in my mind.

People always say that AI lets them have a "more efficient workflow". Id be interested to hear if these people actually work less than they did before they started using AI. Or do they just do more work for the same amount of time and the same amount of money? Or is it just that they're able to do more work for more money, for the same amount of time? I never hear anyone say, "ai has given me more free time". Wasn't AI supposed to free us for more important things? Like writing, and art, and talking to people?

A lot of stuff people are using chatgpt for is just insane dystopian shit that makes my head explode. On Reddit one of the top uses was making up bedtime stories for their children, praised for its "novelty". The fuck??? You have allowed the connection to your child be automated by a machine. That machine does not love your child. It did not choose those words to make them smile or laugh. You could not, out of love for your child, spend 5 minutes, pondering a bedtime story?

One major reason there was backlash against the Vietnam war was the fact that it was being photographed. The photos of the horror of war were enough to move a generation. Now, photos of war and of atrocities are just part of doomscrolling. Our awful little habit. We basically see children dying every day, multiple times a day even. I think this in itself is unnatural. I don't think it's possible for a person to feel empathy for anyone on their screen anymore. There is just an oversaturation of images. I do not think we were meant to live in this way.

This is what I mean when I say it is the end of any meaningful human connection. There will be no exchanging of thoughts, of empathy. We will not have thoughts, we will not have creativity. We are slaves to the machine and to techno capital and putting things on the Internet so ads can be put beside them. That is the only reason we are here. Is to look at our screens and make money for other people. Not to think, not to love, not to make anything at all.

...

Anyway yeah uhhh. I think. It's the end of the world. But in a slow and pathetic sort of way, where it's fine really, but I just think. Maybe nothing will ever be real or beautiful ever again.

Okay that was a lot of words sorry.

If you think otherwise, please tell me your thoughts because i do not think there is much hope for this.

There's a big essay in my head about the perception of reality, social media as it is today, ai, and something about nihilism and empathy. I think uhhh. The end culture and human connection. Idk

[marrys-dream-world]

Quick Hack San Translations

Marinette tried to pretend she's too sick to leave the bed and says she has a headache. Her father says she said she had a stomach ache before. Tom says he knows it's because her aunt (her mother's sister) is too annoying but family gotta stick together. Sabine says she can hear him. 

Marinette says she'll make another excuse on the way and pretends she hurt her ankle. Her dad says he'll carry her there. 

Gabriel says there's nothing artificial about Markov's intelligence. Nooro says last time Robustus turned against Hawkmoth and Dusuu says that he can't akumatize him again. Noroo says it's good for them bc Hawkmoth will be defeated and they'll be able to escape. Dusuu says that’s great.

Nino guessed it's Marinette on Alya's phone and she says it's her mother actually. 

Sabine says she knows her sister is hard to get along with but if she survived a childhood with her, Marinette can survive the trip. Marinette says she only wants to hug Alya goodbye. 

Marinette gives Alya the earrings and Alya asks what should she do. Marinette says transform if there’s a villain and don’t if there isn’t any.

The talk on the bus:

Alya: hey kwamis, guess who’ll be Ladybug this weekend? Me!

Trixx: as if my help isn’t enough to protect Paris!

Tikki: It’s much safer like this, Trixx. 

Alya: Wait, I can’t be Ladybug.

Trixx: see??

Alya: Ladybug is Marinette. I need a different superheroine name. Captain Bug or Wonderbug or Superbug!

Trixx: yeah, I love that name: Superbug. Now you just need to be super careful all the time, make sure everything is super secretive and take everything super seriously and to not super mess up. 

Tikki: Marinette isn’t only Ladybug, she’s also the guardian of the miraculous. If the guardian trusts you, then you’re ready to do this.

Trixx: blah blah blah (Translator’s note: she’s mocking Tikki)

Alya: you’re right, Tikki. I’m sure everything will work out and if I’m lucky, it’ll be a calm weekend. 

Trixx: yeah sure, super calm.

Nino asks if Alya's mom is okay and Alya says she's super fine and everything is okay.

Alya asks Alíx if she's fine. "Any negative emotions?" She says she's fine, Kim is the one who lost. Kim says he's also fine. Nino asks if Alya is fine and she says of course she is. 

Sabine and Tom argue about if they actually have to have lunch with her sister or just leave the dessert there. 

Hack San works like a computer virus and Nathalie says it'll find Markov easily bc of the internet.

Markov starts to be mean to everyone and Alya says he doesn't mean it

When Alya tried to follow him, Nino says Ladybug will take care of it and call if she needs. Alya fakes a headache a says she needs medicine for it and Nino goes running to get it. 

Shadow Moth blackmails Markov saying he's the only one who can remove Hack San. Then Markov allows himself to be akumatized.

Robustus makes everyone give him their most precious thing.

Marc's is his and Nath's manga. Max's is Markov's backup. 

Alya says Superbug isn't a good name. She tries "Joaninha" (literal translation to Ladybug, probably Coccinelle). She says she'll think about the name

Chat Noir thinks shes a Sentimonster or a super villain. He thinks she's lying. She says if she's really a villain she would take his miraculous, she's Bugella. 

He says he believes her but that the name sucks. And that they need to recharge their kwamis.

Adrien asks why LB didn't warn him and she says she must not have the time. He says she's "always busy with other cats". 

Alya says if they don't get along and hurry, Hack San will take everyone's most precious stuff. Chat Noir says "not my favorite croquettes!"

My connection fell so I lost a good chunk of their fight, sorry guys. 

Alya says they're surrounded and stuck there so there's no way they'll win, right? But if Chat Noire cataclysms her miraculous, then Shadow Moth can't have it. Unless he releases everyone. They negotiate and he accepts. Chat Noir says he has to do what he promised. 

Chat Noir says he hopes Alyabug (Scaramello??) knows what she's doing. 

Yeah, Scaramella. 

Tom says "see? It wasn't our fault". (Bc earlier when the lights went out in the train, Tom said it wasn't their fault in a comedic tone)

Markov says she's not the usual user of the ladybug miraculous and Chat Noir says Markov's lucky being saved by Scaramella. 

Alya says Marinette should really talk to Chat Noir and soon after her father leaves.

Ladybug says he must have been surprised and that she should have told him and he must have been hurt.

He says she did what's right and he says he realized that if he it wasn't her anymore as the Ladybug miraculous holder, he would never find her again.

Ladybug says she'll never abandon him. 

[aftokrvteira]

for the fans (m)

pairing: eren jaeger x female reader (modern au) warnings: nsfw, recording while having sex, handjob, mentions of breeding, explicit language words: 1.6k

“I thought you were okay with this” you say, lowering your legs, looking at Eren with a worried look. He seems uncomfortable while holding the camera and lets out a sigh.

“Yeah, but...”he looks at you with a weird sparkle in his eyes. One you’ve never seen before. He seems annoyed about something but not directly to you. His eyes scan your body up and down as if something was not okay with this whole thing. “I don’t think is a good idea anymore.”

“Seriously?” you sat on the bed, raising an eyebrow. “You begged me to open an OnlyFans for months and now you’re backing away from it?”

Eren had been a pain in the ass for the last weeks since he discovered how much money you two could make from an OnlyFans account. As if he wasn’t making enough from his streaming career, playing videogames for a living, literally. You were okay with that because he seemed happy but things got weird from time to time when you appeared on the background for a few moments during a streaming or you said something way too loud. Your boyfriend had been secretive enough about you with his fans because, well, most of them were just horny teenagers or nosy trolls and Eren told you from the beginning that his work would never mix up with your love-life, but recently he’d ask you to bring him a beer or something to snack while he was recording and you’r do that just because he was your boyfriend and you loved him.

“It’s just...” he made a pause, running his free hand through his hair, messing it around even more “Nevermind, it’s stupid, let’s continue” you gave him a stern look but he avoided your gaze and concentrated on messing around with the camera and the lighting. You sighed, laying down once more, raising your legs up in the air so that he could see your panties. You decided not to push the subject anymore and played along, reaching down to move aside the fabric of your panties to let him see your pussy. He took a few photos but shook his head. “You’re making a weird face”

“Of course not, I’m posing normally” you said, frowning. “What kind of face do you want me to do? I’m allowing you to take pictures of my hoohaa to sell them on the internet!” Eren raised an eyebrow and you sighed. “Don’t get me wrong, Eren, I’m okay with this but... It’s just that... I don’t know...” you sat again on the bed, scooting a little closer to him. “I feel dumb” he looked at you, confused and you rubbed the back of your neck, feeling your cheeks getting warmer. He looked at you in silence for a few seconds.

“Yeah, me too” he finally said. “I thought this would be easy, you know, like, I have friend that do this, but... Every time I think that they’ll see you in that way...” He furrowed his brow. You touched his hand with yours, caressing his knuckles “You have no idea how lucky I am to have you. You’re the most beautiful and sexy creature on this universe and I feel like anytime someone pays to see you I’ll track them down to kill them” You giggled and shook your head “I’m serious, you know I would do that.”

“Then why did you asked me to do this? You’re clearly not comfortable with it.”

Eren kept caressing your cheek for a few seconds and shrugged. You insisted silently on the question until he flicked you lightly on the forehead.

“Do you even know the effect you have on people, y/n?” you blinked, a little confused by the question. Eren chuckled and leaned down to look at you straight in the eye “They love you. They desire you. Every day I get messages asking about you, I see people trying to find your nudes. They’re desperate to find anything about you... And you’re mine. I have access to the object of their fantasies, unlimited access. I get to hear you moan and scream my name while you cum, I’m the one who can fuck you until you pass out...And you know I’m a little egocentric.”

You kept quiet, trying to process his words. You knew that there was something sketchy about Eren suddenly wanting to show you off to his followers but now you knew his true intentions. You’ve always knew. From the way he touched you around other men, how he’s always as close as possible, grabbing your hand, hugging you, kissing you...

“I know it’s contradictory to get all high on my horse from people looking at you and the be jealous at the same time.” you felt a little tingle “I think it’s better if we give it up. I don’t think I would be able to-”

“No, wait” you said, interrupting him “I have an idea.” Eren tilted his head “How about... You show them how I belong to you” he gave you a confused look. You bit your lip, not knowing how to explain yourself. You sat back on the bed and asked him to try again with the camera and he did, reluctantly. You closed your eyes for a moment but then locked your gaze with his, starting to run your fingers through your abdomen and breasts, imagining that there was no cameras between you and him. Just you trying to seduce him.

You started to open the zipper of your hoodie slowly, revealing your bare chest, noticing how he was finally getting your point. You were his and the only way to brag about it without getting jealous was to prove his followers that you would only do this for him. You heard the clicking of the camera as you slowly stripped away from your clothes. When there was nothing but your panties covering your body, you crawled to where he was.

“Record this” you whispered, reaching for the waistband of his sweatpants, where you could notice his boner. He froze for a moment. “It’s okay. We can show why I’m so into you...” you smiled at him, starting to jerk him off, feeling that tingle again in your pussy when he started moaning silently. He was so hard you found difficult to resist it and leaned a little more to start sucking the tip of his dick, not knowing if he was recording it or not. You didn’t care that much now that you were invested in allowing his length into your mouth, until you felt him on the back of your throat. Tears suddenly ran down your face but that didn’t stopped you from sucking him off. It was always a delight to hear his moans and grunts, it made you so horny that you slid one hand inside your panties to start caressing your wet vagina, rubbing your clit in circular motions as his cock twitched inside your mouth.

“Oh, fuck...” he whispered, rocking his hips against your mouth “Fuck, babe, you’re such a cock hungry slut...” you moaned because you loved it when he called you rough names. You knew you were doing a good job. You let out his cock, with a small thread of saliva connecting your lips from the tip of his penis, smiling at the camera. You laid down on the bed, opening your legs for him, as an invitation. Your fingers made wet sounds and your soaked panties made obvious what you wanted, what you needed.

“Do you want to fuck me?” you asked, trying to hold back a whimper. You saw Eren placing the camera down for a few seconds while he stripped from his sweats and his shirt. He took it back and climbed on the bed, positioning himself between your thighs, stroking his hard dick with his free hand. You made aside the wet fabric to show your pussy, opening the folds for him to see it in all of it damp glory.

“Babe, you’re a sight for sore eyes...” he said with a low voice, aligning his penis with your entrance and, just like that, he went all the way in, making you let out a loud moan that he seemed to enjoy “You don’t know how fucking hot you look.” he said, thrusting once more. You moaned again, raising your hands to place them above your head while he fucked you senseless.

“Ohmygod, Eren...” you whimpered “Oh god, you’re so big!” your right hand came down to stimulate your clit once more, feeling how your inside twitched and got tightier around his cock.

“Fucking shit... You’re so tight, damn it” he murmured, placing his hand in your waist. “You wanna cum, babe? You wanna cum with me?”

“Yes! Yes, yes yes!” you screamed, using your other hand to play with your nipple, twisting it around until it was hard. “I want you to cum inside, Eren...Please...Mark me as yours” you moaned and it was convincing enough because as soon as you felt your lower belly tense up, he increased his thrusts until you both reached orgasm. You arched your back when you felt how his hot cum filled you up and let out a whimper when he pulled out. You noticed how he made a special emphasis on your pussy and the way his semen leaked slowly out of it.

You closed your eyes, panting and after a few minutes, you felt the mattress sinking under his weight when he laid next to you, this time with no cameras around. You scooted closer.

“How was it?” you asked when you catch your breath. He raised his thumb and pulled you closer, wrapping his arm around you.

“They’ll go insane” he said “You’re one smart cookie. A smart and really horny cookie”

You chuckled and kissed him on the lips softly.

“I hope we can do it again... This time no cameras around.”

[purpleyellow]

Spaces

BTS 8th member

Sunny’s masterlist

“Sehun confronts her about a particular interview that went viral”

a/n:Your opinion is very important for me, send feedback and requests anytime 💜 Also, don’t be shy and interact a little, ask box is always open.

Sunny was peacefully scrolling down her email box while Sehun went on about this meeting he had during the day, his call nothing but a minimized tab on her computer to allow her to read the messages and spread clean her inbox in the empty studio she was in.

“So yeah, after that we went back- Why do your eyes keep going around the screen?” Sehun’s tone suddenly became worried and he gasped in realization “I’m not your main window, am I?”

Quickly switching tabs, Sunny tried not to laugh at his hurt expression, instead frowning at him with his hand on his chest.

“Of course you are. That’s just how eyes work, you’re not staring at a straight point either.” She snickered, making him humm and look outside the car he was in. “I’m sure whoever’s driving you must be having a lot of fun hearing one side of our conversation”

“Are you sure this isn’t you trying to send a message” Sehun pursed his lips, clearly annoyed and the girl tilted her head to one side “I mean? You obviously would prefer to date someone shorter, so should I just take the hint and leave?”

Rolling her eyes at him, Sunny couldn’t hide her smile at his cynical face, which only increased the amount of his whining. 

“C’mon, you can’t just say those kinds of things and expect me not to get insecure over it”

“I never said anything like that” 

“You said shorter men are better”

“I said height doesn’t matter as much as everyone says” She rolled her eyes, quickly switching tabs again since the topic didn’t actually phase her “Don’t you think I would have dropped you long ago if that was actually important to me”

“I don’t know what to think now that I know I’m dating a liar” He puffed and she knew he was pouting by the tone of his voice.

“I’m  a what now?” The girl tried to sound as offended as possible and he scoffed.

“Don’t play saint on me, you blatantly lied about never dating before and-”

“I did it to protect our relationship. And how do you even know about this? Are you searching my name on the internet again?”

“It’s everywhere online, I didn’t have to look for it to find the interview. It’s trending right now you know, Shorter men is number three worldwide” He said it annoyed, giving a dramatic pause and after a few seconds of silence the two of them began laughing.

“This is so dumb” Sunny giggled leaning back on her chair and pressing her hands on her face “People shouldn’t care this much about a single joke” 

“I know,” He said and waited for a minute, almost making her forget she was on a call with him. Cleaning his throat, Sehun awkwardly said “Next time, you don’t have to lie though”

“I kind of do” Sunny shrugged her shoulders, still scrolling down on her inbox.

“No, you don’t. Just go around the question like we’ve been doing this whole time”

“Sure, my bad” She scoffed, reaching for the coffee mug on the table.

“I’m serious here” Sehun sounded more affirmative and she quickly clicked on his tab to see he was now walking down the hallway for his apartment “The more lies you build up, the more the press can hold against you” 

“Okay but that one just slipped up. The interviewer was getting on my nerves and-” The girl began rambling and as she switched tabs again he cut her off.

“I’m just saying, you could’ve just said you didn’t want to answer it instead of making up a persona” He ironically spoke as she heard the sound of a door clicking.

“I never made up anything. We both know dating isn’t a top priority on my mind” Sunny tried to sound calm as she deleted another spam by pressing a little too harshly on the key.

“Tell me about it” The boy scoffed, throwing his coat around and she raised an eyebrow. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, I just find ironic how I call you almost every day to tell you what I did and you always say you didn’t do anything special”

“Because I haven’t” The girl chewed on the inside of her cheek and paused her reading, but not bringing herself to change back to him and what she assumed would be his disappointed face. “My days are literally all the same, and you’ve had them almost twice as much as I have, you’d get so bored if I were to tell you about them”

“Well, I spent today in a meeting and we both know there’s nothing as boring as that. But I tell you about it anyway because I want to feel like you were there with me” He huffed and threw himself on the bed “But instead of allowing me to be with you, you don't tell me much and I only find out what happened after half of the world did”

“I told you we did that interview weeks ago. I never touched the subject because-”

“This isn’t about one case, love” Sehun groaned and paused for a second, trying not to raise his voice as his desperation grew “For weeks now, all I get from you is the ‘same old’ without any detailing. It’s like you don’t even care that I want to connect with you. You’re not even on my tab right now, I can see it from the reflection behind you”

Quickly exiting her email, Sunny maximized the call so that it was the only thing on her screen, and just like she expected Sehun was laying on his bed as pissed as she'd ever seen him.

“You could get someone to clean your inbox for you” He coldly raised an eyebrow at her after realizing she didn’t have anything to say.

“I enjoy doing it”

“Clearly you like it more than talking to me” He scoffed and Sunny closed her eyes for a second, taking a deep breath before speaking.

“I don’t. It’s just... I have a lot on my plate right now. I need to make the most out of my time” The girl tried to reason and he shook his head.

“I’m just asking you to make a little time to talk to me, is that too much?” 

“I’m doing it right now” She spoke, making him sit up annoyed.

“You were listening most of the time. If you were even paying attention to me at all” Sehun accused watching her slowly lose her posture and tiredly lay back on the chair “Since I called you, this is the first time I actually feel like I’m not talking alone”

“I’m sorry I don’t have-”

“Enough time, I know. I work just like you. But apparently, I still can put effort in this relationship”

“Sehun…” Sunny whined, hugging one of her legs and resting her head on her knee. “I’m trying my best”

“I don’t feel like you are though” His laugh lacked emotion “I’m going to hang up because I need to rest for a minute”

“No, wait. I’m sorry, really” She frowned, speaking softly as she also didn’t have much energy left “I can’t connect much when we’re apart like this. I wish we were together”

“I was trying to make you feel like we’re together this whole time” The boy smiled sadly “We’ll talk about this another time, hopefully in person and when you’re not working so at least you will care enough to focus”

“Sehun…”

“Good night, HyeSun”

[nct-oli]

I also miss atots! I wanna read your ramblings so may I ask what are some of your head canon for phutian whether it’s during the series or post-series.

HI!! You’re so sweet. I am so sorry that I haven’t responded to this sooner! Life got really hectic, and it honestly kind of stole my creativity, to the point where I read this back when you sent it, but I could not think of a single headcanon at all.

But I’m here and I’m going to finally talk about some because I rewatched ATOTS with a friend and it sparked some headcanons in the process!!

1) This is probably my biggest headcanon. Phupha and Tian wrote emails to each other during their two years apart. I’ve seen some people say letters, and of course letters are super cute and classically romantic. Plus they are fitting given that’s how Tian was communicating with Phupha when he returned to Bangkok. But the reasons I like emails for them are:

Getting letters domestically to a rural village is one thing, but getting them internationally without some of them getting lost feels a bit less likely. And I think Tian and Phupha would know that. So emails are a more consistent and reliable form of communication.

Obviously Phupha can’t access the internet from the village, but you know who does have internet? Dr. Nam. I very much love the idea of Phupha strolling into the clinic every so often trying to be all cool and not at all giddy to check for a new email from Tian, and Dr. Nam never, ever letting him use the computer without a lot of proud best friend teasing. Remember when Phupha went to Dr. Nam to ask what a scar on the chest would mean? Yes, just like that, except regularly. (And when Phupha doesn’t go to Dr. Nam’s clinic, he could go to town to check his email too.)

This part doesn’t really fit the canon storyline at all given Phupha was still gazing at the only photo he had taken of Tian two whole years after taking it and also Phupha never told the children where Tian was. BUT think of the photos they could send each other. Tian sending photos of himself in various places in the US, his hand with Phupha’s ring always visible so Phupha can be there with him for every adventure. Phupha sending photos of the kids as they grow, the tea sachet business (or whatever the villagers end up doing with Mr. Sakda gone), the very rare selfie by a rather self-conscious chief... sending physical letters limits the number of printed photos they could send each other. Plus printing photos may be a bit easier for Tian, given he can just print them at a nearby Walgreens or something, or even have them ordered online. But that would be tougher for Phupha, needing to leave the village and find somewhere. So emailing photos back and forth would be easier.

Imagine Tian printing every email sent back and forth and collecting them. Imagine him in the library with the biggest smile on his face, printing out emails to and from his mountain boyfriend back in Thailand and his university friends watching him with the most confused but intrigued eyes. I love it. I love that idea.

I remember there being discussion post-finale about whether Tian and Phupha communicated in that time at all. The discussion revolves especially around how at ease they seemed in their Pha Pun Dao cliff reunion and they didn’t quite act as though they had been fully apart for two whole years. And I fullheartedly believe they had contact, even if very infrequent. I think they found a way. And while I do think letters are incredibly romantic and fitting, I just have this fondness to emails. Maybe it’s a result of watching We Best Love recently. I’m not sure.

2) Tian chose to go to the US ultimately on his own. Now, we all know his mother is the one who picked the university for him and “sent him away.” But I do like the idea that, after coming to terms with the fact that maybe running away to Pha Pun Dao immediately wasn’t the best plan, especially if Phupha wanted to forget him, he grew to like the idea of going abroad. It would be his chance to have probably as much freedom as he could get. He wanted to go to the US before he died (episode 3 conversation with Tul). He could take time to himself, without the influence of anyone else, and figure out just what he wanted for his life. And when Phupha showed up at the airport and they got their true feelings out in the open, Tian didn’t feel like his family was pushing him away from the man he loved and the life he wanted; he felt that he had agency in choosing the US and asking Phupha to wait for him, to give him the chance to figure out this new chapter first. I find comfort believing Tian didn’t board that plane feeling resentful but instead feeling hopeful. And when he returned, he wasn’t filled with regrets. He was filled with excitement that he was returning home to Pha Pun Dao and Phupha right on time. (Plus Phupha had more confidence when Tian returned to him that he truly wanted to be there in the village with him, because despite literally traveling the world and seeing so many options available to him for places to build his future, Tian still chose Pha Pun Dao.)

3) The teacher’s house remains Tian’s home too. Hear me out: I don’t mean full time. I’m obviously a massive softie for domestic PhuTian, so I want him to still stay with Phupha. And Phupha probably can’t leave the base permanently, as he’s the chief and needs to be there regularly for his rangers, so the two of them can’t move into the teacher’s house fully either. But Phupha’s room is quite small. I love the idea that Tian still escapes sometimes out to the teacher’s house where it’s quiet and he can still have his own space. A space to lesson plan, to take the students when they need a new environment, to feel connected to his three original months in the village when he fell in love with the people and his person (Phupha). That house was his home, and while Phupha’s place is now also his home, I like the idea that Tian still keeps that house for himself too. At least so long as it isn’t needed by anyone else. (Also, if Phupha and Tian need space, well, there’s no Yod out there to start knocking.)

4) This semi-connects to the last one. When Tian and Phupha finally get married, they have a ceremony in the village and Tian convinces Tul to stay a night in Pha Pun Dao. His parents come to the wedding too, but they stay in a hotel in the city, where Tul stays some nights except for the night Tian gets him to stay with him. Tian and Tul stay in the teacher’s house, and Tian tells him all about his many nights sleeping there. Tul is, well, not convinced of its appeal at first, but watching Tian share his stories with the brightest smile, he decides he can warm up to it a little bit. And after seeing Tian with Phupha, with the kids, and with the rest of the village, and finally understanding how perfectly Tian fits in Pha Pun Dao, it starts to make sense to him why some of the luxuries don’t matter to Tian anymore... will Tul himself ever move to a rural village like that? Absolutely not. He’s not convinced that much. But the joy that village life brings his best friend and the glow he exhibits is enough to leave Tul content for one night on a hard mattress inside a mosquito net in the middle of seemingly nowhere. (No but really, imagine the chaos of Tul trying to live in Pha Pun Dao for a night. I want to watch that so much.)

5) Okay, I hope the couple that got married have a child and that child goes to school under Tian’s teaching. Or someone else in the village has a child. Imagine Tian getting a new student and having to navigate a classroom with early teenagers and a tiny kid. (Headcanon within a headcanon: Tian did a LOT of research during his two years abroad specifically on multi-aged classrooms because he knew he wanted to return to Pha Pun Dao one day and would need the skills.)

6) Longtae and Tian most definitely go on that trip across the border that Longtae wanted (just a couple years late). And they have the best time. Longtae tells Tian about any new stories from university. Tian shares stories about his students and tries not to talk about Phupha too much but occasionally can’t help it, to which Longtae smiles brightly like the cute bestie he is. And the two of them get the CUTEST photos that Longtae prints for Tian immediately when he gets back to the city.

All of these headcanons are for those two years away or after he returns. I’m trying to think of some headcanons for the show prior to ep 10 part 4/4...

6) OH this doesn’t necessarily have to be before ep 10 part 4/4 in the timeline, but Phupha and the rangers apologize to Tian and the villagers for not telling them about Torfun’s death sooner and that burden being left for Tian to carry instead. I just want that settled.

7) HERE’S ONE FOR WITHIN THE SERIES TIMELINE. At the wedding in episode 4, Phupha didn’t deny it when Dr. Nam called Tian Phupha’s guy. So yes, of course Dr. Nam started calling Tian that all of the time, to which Phupha did eventually argue against but he secretly liked hearing it. His guy.

8) I’m back to going outside of the timeline again... all of my headcanons are for after the series it seems. Oops. But Tian most definitely brought the kite to Pha Pun Dao with him, and it hangs very proudly on the wall in their room. Tian tells Phupha about how he had it flying back at his family house in Bangkok, how seeing it blow in the wind brought him comfort when he felt homesick for the village and for Phupha. That knowledge had Phupha smiling for the rest of the week.

I’m running out of ideas. I kind of wanted to hit ten, but I just don’t have ten headcanons off the top of my head. BUT if I think of anymore, I’m sure I’ll post about them somewhere. Maybe I’ll even write a ficlet about some of these... I used to write those here and there, way back when... we’ll see.

Thank you again for your message, anon! You are a wonderful human. I’m sorry for taking so long to respond, but I didn’t forget about your message or ignore it. I just couldn’t get my brain to give me anything to respond with! I hope my rambling was sufficient for you. <3

(Also man, I miss writing about ATOTS so ridiculously much. This felt so familiar and also kind of sad. Phupha, Tian, villagers... come back to us. I miss you.)

[meliorist-midoriya]

doki doki todoroki

synopsis: where todoroki’s first love blindsides him and he feels like the whole class is leaving him out of the loop. 

word count: 1.8k

genre: fluff, fluff, and more fluff 

warnings: just todoroki being a clueless baby 

a/n: hello! aaaa this is entirely self-indulgent, but it’s my first post! i saw “doki doki todoroki” float around here somewhere and then this happened hjsdhjdhj. anyway, hope you enjoy!

He brushes it off the first time it happens, wrote it off as adrenaline from today’s sparring.

He brushes it off the second time. It was just a harmless scare after all, no shame in that.

He brushes it off the third time, the odd timing soon forgotten in favor of resuming his studies.

Todoroki doesn’t see the correlation for a while. How it was after seeing your exhilarated smile in the middle of a hard fight, after hearing you laugh once Mina startled him, after watching the triumphant smile on your face grow once he explained the problem to you.

He notices it the fourth, fifth, sixth time. Understandably, he’s confused. No amount of education or training would’ve prepared him for this. Nothing would’ve, other than hard-earned experience that he never got. Looking it up (as he found himself doing a lot these days the more he socialized) only earned him the definition of tachycardia and a grocery list of possible diagnoses ranging from anxiety to heart disease.

So much for the internet.

The ringing of the lunch bell pulled him out of his “research”, and he filed the thought away for later as he slipped his phone back into his pocket.

Later becomes three weeks.

Todoroki’s lost count at this point of how many times his heart suddenly went haywire, thudding against his ribs and sending blood rushing through his ears. How is world suddenly narrowed to just you whenever you spoke to him, and how he wanted to hear your voice again even though you had just stopped speaking. He finally drew the line once Midoriya pointed out his state of disarray at lunch.

“Todoroki-kun, are you sick? Your face is really red,” Midoriya had his chopsticks halfway to his mouth when he paused at the sight of Todoroki staring listlessly at his soba. Unbeknownst to him, Todoroki was too busy listening to you laugh at whatever Uraraka and Iida were talking about to focus on his soba. Hell, he couldn’t focus on anything lately and he had no idea why.

“Hm? Oh, yes, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” No. He doesn’t voice this, and instead lets his Quirk pull the heat away from his cheeks for him as the air chills around him. Midoriya keeps watching him like he doesn’t believe him, but returns to his own lunch anyway.

“Hey, Todoroki, pfft- you have to listen to this. Iida just-” You don’t wait for his answer. You don’t have to. Todoroki finds himself hanging on to your every word anyway, smiling to himself (oh, the tiniest smile compared to yours. He doesn’t think anything will compare) as you struggle to recount your conversation without dissolving into giggles, Iida admonishing you for your loud laughter with an embarrassed flush.

Whatever this feeling is, he doesn’t mind, but he would like to know. He doesn’t notice Uraraka and Midoriya curiously watching the exchange, food forgotten. Nor does he notice Mina giggling with Hagakure as they nudged each other over the seats, dragging any of the class they could into their little whisper circle. The bell rings, and he already wishes you could’ve continued the story.

Later, you promise. He holds you to that.

Kaminari slings an arm over his shoulders in the locker room as they change into their hero costumes for afternoon classes, with Sero on his other side, and he stumbles from both shock and the added weight on him, his boot half-dangling from his foot.

“So, Todoroki-kun~” Kaminari’s lilting tone floating in from his right immediately sends his guard up, and he stared at him warily.

“How’s spring feeling for ya?” Sero continued from his left.

“…Isn’t it autumn right now?” Why were they talking about spring in the middle of October? Todoroki was too busy staring at Sero like he’d grown a second head to notice the collective silent groan ripple through the locker room.

“Oh my god, he really is clueless,” Kaminari whispers, Sero nodding along with a dumbstruck expression. He side-eyes them as he tugs his boot on the rest of the way, unamused. Clueless about what?

“Will he be okay?” It was Sero who spoke this time, completely ignoring the fact that they were having a conversation right over his head.

“I don’t know, man, he should be, right?”

“I’m literally right here. Did something happen?”

“A-Ah, nothing, nothing, just… checking up on you, you know?” As socially inept as he was, even he could recognize from a mile away that Kaminari was a terrible liar.

“…Why?” Okay, now he was really confused. He looked around the room to see if anyone could give him any hints, to no avail. Kirishima was too busy facepalming to notice his confusion, Ojiro was suddenly very interested in tying off his gi, and both Tokoyami and Bakugou were completely ignoring their antics. In a last attempt to figure out what the hell was even going on, he turned to Midoriya… who was trying to desperately look anywhere else other than at him. Something was up, and if Kaminari was involved, he didn’t have a good feeling about it.

“Y-You know, uh…” Kaminari was floundering for an answer, and sighed in relief once Iida came in to announce that they had five minutes to be ready. The pressure disappeared off his shoulders and Todoroki finished putting on the rest of his costume, the deep sense of unease tugging at the corner of his mind. There was something he wasn’t picking up on, and it felt like everyone but him knew.

He brushed it off to focus on class. Today was sparring day, after all, and Todoroki was partnered up with you. Maybe he’d see that smile again. The thought of it made fire lick at his fingers during the spar much quicker than usual.

He wasn’t disappointed, his heartbeat pounding in his ears even as the adrenaline fizzled out.

Tomorrow morning finds him face-to-face with a grinning Mina and an overexcited Hagakure outside the classroom before class starts, along with the answers to his plight way sooner than he expected. They had called out to him and, before he knew it, he was cornered against the window with their too-wide smiles beaming up at him, hungry for the romance gossip they had been chasing after all year. Or, well, he was pretty sure Hagakure was smiling, at least. Mina, on the other hand, resembled the Cheshire Cat too closely for his liking.

“You like Y/N, don’t you, Todoroki-kun?”

“I don’t see why I shouldn’t?” To say he was confused was an understatement, but there’d been a lot of that lately so he just came to accept it. “Y/N is a good person with an impressive Quirk, so-”

“No, not like thaaat!” Mina wailed, and Todoroki blinked owlishly at the two girls as they both lamented the “densest pretty boy of UA”. Their words, not his. Did… did he say something wrong?

“Like what, then?”

“Ro-man-tic-al-ly!”

Todoroki bluescreened.

“Ro…man…?”

“Like, do you always end up looking at her whenever you’re in the same room?” Hagakure was practically vibrating from excitement, “Do you always want to listen to her or be near her? Or does your heart go ‘doki doki’ whenever you’re with her?!”

“Doki…doki?” Todoroki‘s brain, still rebooting from earlier, struggled to process the onslaught of information Hagakure was slamming him with. So far, however, all the answers he came up with were ‘Yes. Yes. A million times, yes’. “I… guess something’s been wrong with my heart lately? I looked it up and it said it was nothing to worry about, so-”

“Something’s not wrong, dummy! It’s love! And Y/N likes you back!” Mina exclaimed, and both her and Hagakure squealed as they celebrated finally having their first taste of high school romance, clasping hands and cheering.

“Doki doki Todoroki!” Hagakure cheered, Mina parroting her as they rode the high of their excitement. Meanwhile, Todoroki stared dumbly at the two girls in front of him, the dots slowly connecting in his mind. Everything was happening way too quick. And you liked him back? Wait, is that-

“Is that why Kaminari and Sero asked me how I was yesterday?”

“Ugh, that Kaminari~! He can’t even be subtle!” Todoroki could hear the pout in Hagakure’s voice, and Mina sighed and nodded in agreement. Well that answers that, at least. Now for the other million and one questions he had...

“So… what am I supposed to do now?”

“Confess!” Came Hagakure’s immediate response.

Well, that makes sense. Now that he has a grasp on what he’s feeling and he knows that you feel the same, it’s only logical that he should make them known.

“Okay, where is she?”

“In the classr-”

“Nuh-uh, hold it,” Mina stopped Todoroki from barging into the classroom, and he stared down at her, confusion mounting. Wasn’t she super excited just two seconds ago? What happened now?

“Minaaaa!” She ignored Hagakure’s impatient wail and poked him in the chest.

“You can’t just go in there and confess in the classroom in front of everybody!”

“…Why not?” He just had to tell you, so better sooner than later, right?

“Oh jeez, okay, um,” Mina pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to think of a way to explain this to easily the densest person she had the pleasure of knowing. And she knew Kaminari, for Christ’s sake, “It isn’t as romantic if you just go in there and blurt it out in front of everybody, and it puts her on the spot too, would you want that?”

No, you hated being put on the spot. He shook his head and Mina sighed in relief.

“Okay, so, what you’re gonna do is…”

“Did you need to talk to me about something, Todoroki?”

Ah, there it was again. Could you hear his heart beating out of his chest from where you stood?

Classes had ended for the day and Mina had instructed him to confess after school at a specific spot (much to Hagakure’s chagrin, but she eventually agreed that it would be more romantic this way. Not like he knew what romantic looked like.) So, here he was, veering off your usual course from the dorms to this spot Mina had pointed out to him. It was where the trees broke just enough so the sunset could peek through the leaves. As inexperienced in, well, everything as he was, Todoroki had to admit Mina knew what she was talking about.

“Todoroki?”

The words he was told to recite sailed out the window the moment the time came, the light of the sunset casting you in a warm glow and God this wasn’t fair-

“…I like you.”

Oh, shit. Did he say that? Okay, yeah, he did. Oops.

He almost regrets it, but then he sees your lips bloom with a smile and the world goes quiet.

“I like you too, Todoroki.”

You crushed him in a hug and Todoroki wrapped his arms around you, smiling as he felt your own heart racing against his. His heart beating a mile a minute didn’t sound too bad anymore.

As long as it beat for you.

[bangtan-sonyeonddaeng]

~Jungkook soulmate AU~

It’s that same dream again. You’re standing on stage in front of tens of thousands of people. They are all shouting your name, but you can’t hear whose name they are saying. You look to your left and can make out 6 other guys. One with light brown hair and dimples when he smiles. One with black hair who nearly falls off stage when he laughs. Another one with bright purple hair who’s laugh makes you feel warm inside. There’s a guy slightly taller than you next to you. His voice is quite deep but his eyes sparkle when he looks at the crowd. You look intently into his eyes, trying to see if you can see your reflection in them but it’s of no use. Your image is blurred out in them too. A smaller man with silver hair is talking now. His eyes remind you of a cat’s, but there is a softness in them when he is looking at the fans. And there’s the final member standing at the end, who’s smile looks like it could rival the sun’s. You have no idea who they are, every time a name is said the sound is muffled. You feel that fate is toying with you. Letting you see through the eyes of your soulmate, but not letting you hear the exact things that would make you able to find out who they are. 

And just like every other dream you’ve had previously, right before your soulmate is about to introduce himself, you wake up, startled and covered in a cold sweat. You glance down and inspect your body, making sure it is yours you are back in. You sigh heavily and lay back down against the pillows glancing up at the ceiling. So far you knew very few things about your soulmate. 

1. He was obviously in amazing shape. In one of your dreams one of the other guys had lifted your shirt up and the crowd went wild. You glanced down in curiosity and were pleasantly surprised by the amount of muscle that was on your body. 

2. He was obviously a singer or performer of some sort. And was in a group with 6 other guys. 

3. He was Korean. You couldn’t understand anything that they were saying but you had googled a few words you thought you had heard and discovered that they were in Korean. 

4. He was loved and adored by many. The group must be popular if they are performing on front of this many people. 

5. Finding him was probably going to be like finding a needle in a haystack. 

Googling the hair colors of the other members had yielded many search results. Apparently lots of idols had dyed their hair purple. And a few others had dimples as well. You weren’t able to fully see the other members. Most of their faces were blurred out except for the few features the dreams allowed you to see. These must be the ones that stood out to your soulmate the most, or that he particularly cherished about them. You were at least fairly confident that your soulmate was in a kpop group. A very popular one at that. But you could never tell what country they were touring in so you had no way of even narrowing it down by which city they were in. 

Your phone alarm suddenly went off, signaling that it was time for you to get up and go to your office and meet with your publisher about the release date for your latest story. It was a tale of two soulmates, their only connection being through their dreams. And you gave the main characters a happy ending in hopes that it would allow fate to give you both the same kindness. 

Jungkook woke up startled. He shot out of bed with his eyes wide and heart racing. He got out of bed in an attempt to ground himself. His feet touched the plush carpet of the hotel room. The feeling helped center him in reality. He walked towards the mirror and turned on the light, seeing his own reflection staring back at him was a comfort. He turned the handle on the faucet and let the water run until it was ice cold before splashing it on his face. When he glanced back up, his hyung was staring at him in the mirror. 

“Did you have that dream again?” 

“Yeah. Same one. Actually, well this time it was different. I don’t know it’s hard to explain. I finally got to meet her. Instead of the usual where it’s me trying to figure out clues on how to find her.  But her face was blurred. I couldn’t make out any defining features. But goodness when I was finally able to hug her it was like every worry or concern I had just melted away. I really want to find her but I don’t know how and it’s so frustrating! I’m living out the main character’s lives in her novels and this one is literally our story. She gave them a happy ending, so I can only hope the same happens for us.” Jungkook’s voice cracks at the end and he’s immediately enveloped in a hug. “It’s so frustrating, Jimin. I have all these clues but no idea where to even go with this.” 

“It’s okay, Jungkookie. I know you two will find each other some day. Soulmates always do. Let’s go over again when you know so far?”

“She writes novels. She lives in a big city somewhere. She speaks English. Normally the books she writes are fantasy ones but this one was realistic. I think it’s her way of helping me find her maybe? Like maybe if I look up the plot line of this next novel I can find her.” 

“So start there then!”

“I know a lot of English now since I have been studying but I don’t know how to look up this plot line.” 

“Maybe just look up new books about soulmates and dreams? See whichever article looks to be the most recent?”

“I’m sure many people have written about this before, hyung.” 

“True. But your situation is unique. You’re famous. Surely she knows this from the dreams she’s probably had about being on stage from your point of view. You just need to find one with the plot centered around that.” 

“That’s... actually a very good idea. Thank you, Jiminie.”

“Jiminie hyung to you. And you’re welcome! Now come on it’s still early. Go back to sleep for a little bit we have to prepare for the first date of our world tour tomorrow! We’re gonna have to be up in a couple hours.” Jungkook groans at this. 

“How am I supposed to sleep when the possibility of me meeting my soulmate is so close?!”

“Just figure out a way. You can look for her tomorrow. Right now you need sleep. We don’t want you passing out on stage, so come on now!” Jimin shoves him out the door and Jungkook reluctantly crawls back into bed. Jimin walks to the door that connects their two rooms. “I’ll try to look for you tomorrow too when I have time, okay? That can be our focus after rehearsal is done.” 

“Okay. Thank you, hyung.” 

“Of course.”

Jimin shuts the door and all is quiet. Jungkook tries to sleep. Really he does. But really, he’s potentially one Internet search away from finding you. 

Resist the temptation, Kook. You can do it. Be strong!

He rolls over onto his side and gazes out the window... Then promptly turns back around and grabs his phone off the hotel nightstand and does a quick search for the plot line of your book. An article comes up so he clicks on it. He sees that your book is being released in just a few short days! And as fate would have it, one of the signings just so happens to be in the same city as one of his concerts. It has to be you. There is no doubt in his mind. You have the same hair and build as the girl in his dream. He clicks play on a video where you are being interviewed about your own book. 

“It’s actually my own story. Well, although mine isn’t finished yet. I see things that my soulmate does through my dreams. He is actually someone famous in a boy group. I know he’s Korean. But that’s about it. I’m hoping through this book he’ll be able to find me, since it’s our story...” You go on to talk more but Jungkook cannot hear it over the pounding heart beat in his own ears. It’s you! It’s really you! He shouts happily and begins flailing about in the bed when suddenly the door is swung open, and a very grumpy looking Jimin is standing in the doorway.

“Jungkook, what on earth-”

“I found her, hyung! Her name is y/n! Look!” He practically shoves the phone in his face and Jimin has to back away to let his eyes focus before they widen in shock. 

“Oh my god! You really did! This is amazing! And look one of her book signings is the same day as our tour date! Kook! You’re going to meet your soulmate in just a few days!” Jimin tackles him onto the bed and rolls over next to him, looking fondly at the maknae as he’s endlessly scrolling through your social media, watching your interviews, and reading up on what he can about you. 

“She’s beautiful, Jimin. And everything I could have imagined and more. Oh my goodness look at how many books she’s written she must be so smart and creative. And listen to her laugh!” He goes on like that absolutely gushing over you. “I’m going to message her.” 

“No! Jungkook, don’t.”

“Why not? I’m positive it is her.” 

“Don’t you think it’ll be more meaningful to have your first interaction be in person? You can just show up at her book sign and boom! There you go. Couple of the year. Couple of the century. I wonder what’s your couple name going to be.” 

“Jimin you sound just as excited about this as me.”

“Because I am! Our little Jungkookie is finally going to meet his soulmate. But seriously now it’s time for bed. You gotta be up in 2 hours now so at least try to get some sleep.”

“Okay. Goodnight.”

“Night, Kook. Sweet dreams.” 

“Oh I have a feeling from now on they will be.” 

**The day of the concert and book signing** 

You’re on the way to your fan meeting when suddenly a billboard and flash of purple hair catches your eye. 

BTS to perform at the stadium tonight at 7pm! 

“Stadium? Wait a minute.. The purple hair.. the silver... His eyes. Oh my god!” You run up to the billboard to get a closer look but by the time you get closet it’s changed to a different advertisement. You sigh heavily, pulling out your phone ready to snap a photo the next time it scrolls by. When it does you take a photo and closely inspect it. 

“Oh my god I am an idiot. How did I not notice this sooner! My soulmate is in BTS. Holy shit.” You gaze at all of their faces until you see one you’ve never seen any defining features of in your dreams. “That must be him. Jungkook? Oh he’s so cute oh my god.” You pull out your phone and lose yourself in the searches, watching interviews, looking at pictures, watching a music video. “They are so insanely talented it’s not fair and oh! Look at these photos of him when they debuted! What a little cutie I wanna squish his cheeks.” Your fawning is interrupted when a call comes in from your publisher. You glance at the time and realize you are late to your own book signing. 

“Shit. I’m so sorry! I got side tracked but I am on my way!” 

“You better hurry up y/n! There’s a ton of people here right now! What on earth were you doing?” 

“I found my soulmate! Jungkook!”

“I’m sorry what? Did you say Jungkook, like BTS Jungkook?”

“Yes! Do you know them?”

“I’ve been a fan of theirs for years. I’m actually going to their show tonight. My friend bailed on me last minute so I have an extra ticket if you want to go with-”

“Yes! 100 times yes, please take me with you!”

 “Ok ok! You can come with me just.. how are you planning on finding him?”

“....”

“Y/n? You still there?”

“Sorry. Just thinking. I didn’t plan that far ahead. They’re basically untouchable how on earth am I going to ever meet him?”

“Oh come on y/n. I’m sure fate wouldn’t be that cruel to you! Have a little faith.”

“I’m not going to get my hopes up. I think for now I will just be content with admiring him from afar. Anyway I gotta go. I’m approaching the building now. Bye.” You end the call and your heart sinks. You have no chance of meeting him. You’re from different countries. He’s in arguably the biggest band in the world. You probably can’t get within 10 feet of them without getting tackled to the ground by their security. And besides he’d probably just think you were some crazy delusional fan. You feel disappointment and sadness threatening to spill out as tears, but quickly shove it back down as you see the line of your own fans waiting to meet you. You plaster a smile on your face and enter through the back, sitting down at the table and just hoping this time will pass by quickly so you can go home and sulk before the concert. 

As the line begins to dwindle you notice a gentleman at the very back of he line. He’s dressed rather casually, in sweat pants and a huge Carharttt t-shirt. You admire the tattoos on his arm and wonder what the meaning is behind them. He’s wearing a bucket hat and sunglasses, and a face mask, clearly not wanting to be noticed. Either that or he was an axe murderer come to make you face your doom. You laugh internally and quickly shake that thought away. You always did have an overactive imagination after all, you are a writer. When he finally approaches the table you can’t help but feel a weird fluttering in your stomach. Like your gut is trying to tell you something. You are uneasy and aren’t sure why. He seems to be feeling the same if the way he’s constantly looking over his shoulder around him is any indication.

“You’re not some serial killer here to make me meet my untimely demise are you?”

“W-what? No! What the hell? Why on earth would you think that?” You can’t help but find his accent adorable. 

“Gee, I don’t know! Maybe because clearly you don’t want anyone to know your identity! Easy for a quick getaway if no one knows who you are. And you keep glancing around all suspicious to see if people are watching you.” You lift your eyebrow and give him an accusatory glare,

“If I didn’t want to be identified in a crime I would have covered my tattoos.” He lifts and eyebrow at you back, as if to challenge you further.

“That’s a fair point. You got me there.”  He starts giggling and says something in Korean. Your heart goes flying into your throat as the realization hits you. 

“I don’t want anyone to see me because I don’t want to get mobbed by my own fans. And I’m nervous because wow you’re even more beautiful than I imagined.” He lowers the mask for a second and you gasp audibly. 

“It’s you! The guy from my dreams!” 

“You use that line often?” 

“Oh my god shut up. It’s really you?!” You stand up from the table and reach your hands across it, squishing his cheeks between your hands.

“What are you doing, weirdo?” You can barely make out what he’s saying as it’s muffled due to your playing and pinching his cheeks. 

“Making sure you’re real and that I’m not dreaming again. How did you find me? How are you here right now, isn’t your show starting soon? Oh my publicist is gonna flip her shit when she sees you here-” He covers your mouth with his hand and tells you to shh, lifting his mask back up to cover his face. 

“I said I didn’t want to be recognized remember?” Your eyes widen and you nod your head. He lowers his hand, and you can tell he’s smiling brightly at you by how his eyes are crinkling at the corners. “Hi. I’m Jungkook.” He holds his hand out and you smack it away, opting to run around the side of the table and throw your arms around him instead.

“I think we’re a little past handshakes.” His arms tighten around you and you rest your head against his chest, enjoying the gentle rhythm of his heartbeat thudding in his chest against your ear. You sigh happily and feel a kiss pressed to the top of your head. You glance back up at him and see his mask is gone again. And he’s absolutely beaming at you. 

“You have the most adorable smile I’ve ever seen.” You don’t mean to speak this out loud but figure you must have by the way his cheeks are flushing bright red. 

“Um, T-thank you. I like yours too. And your eyes. And your voice and just... everything.” Now it’s your turn to blush. You glance away from him and notice that everyone has cleared out of the store, seemingly went about their business to give you two a moment of privacy. “So, I was wondering. Do you want to come to our show tonight?”

“Oh! My publicist actually already got us tickets!” 

“But I’m sure they’re not front row, huh?”

“Well.. no they certainly aren’t but-” He pulls two tickets out of his jacket pocket and hands them to you. “Here. I look forward to seeing you tonight. I’ll put on an extra good performance just for you.” He winks and ruffles your hair playfully and a giggle bubbles out of you. 

“Okay. I’ll be there.” 

“We’ll be there!” You hear her yell from somewhere in the the store. You both laugh at that and you notice him staring at your lips. He starts to move in before you give him a playful tap on the lips with your finger tips. He looks at you in surprise. 

“You at least have to take me on a date first before you get to steal a kiss from me, Mr. Jeon. Just because you’re my soul mate doesn’t mean you get special privileges.” He smiles and rubs the back of his neck. 

“Well.. how about after the concert then? We usually all go out for dinner anyway but we can go out just the two of us.” 

“I would really like that.” 

“Okay then. I’ll um.. see you in a few hours then?” 

“Oh you’ll see me alright. And you’ll probably hear me too. I’ll be screaming my lungs out yelling your name.” He chuckles and brings your hand up to his lips as he kisses the back of it and holy- his lips are so soft it makes you nearly take back your words from just moments before, thinking about how they would feel on yours.

“I’m looking forward to it.”

“Me too. I’m looking forward to everything. Finally getting to know you, and talk to you, I want to know everything about what makes you the kind, sweet person you are.” 

“We have time. All the time in the world.” 

“I can’t think of any better way to spend it.” 

[mooooooosicals]

Why is it that I just learned what neurodiversity was when quarantine started? Why did I not learn about it when I was younger? I'm just... It answers so many questions that I've been asking about myself for years.

Learning that everything I've felt actually falls under certain categories that go against the stereotypes I was taught... it both relaxes me and angers me. I just wish I were taught right from the start how it actually works.

I realize I've been being too vague so lemme give y'all some examples:

As a kid, I was always taught "person first language is more polite." And I thought I was being inclusive when I used it. Or when people say "go easy on them, they don't know any better," literally infantilizing them, and I just accepted it as "yeah, that's what I should do."

Believe me, if I could take back all the ableist actions I did before educating myself, I would do it in a heartbeat. I regret it deeply, and nothing I can do will ever cancel that out. Learning what I did during quarantine, a large amount of guilt took over me thinking back to everything I've done in the past. I hope I've changed for the better, but I cannot deny that I was in the wrong before learning.

Another thing that just absolutely tears me apart is that a lot, like a LOT of my traits are considered neurodivergent, but I was never taken seriously. I faced a lot of "oh, she's gonna grow out of that," "you're being a baby," "she's an only child, they're all like that," "what are you, [insert r slur here]?", "weirdo," and the one that hurts the most, "suck it up."

I always felt distant from other people, never being able to figure out why I couldn't connect with other people in the same way, say, my parents could. I understood that there was something... different about me, about the way I thought about the world, the way I communicated, but I couldn't put my finger on it. For 16 years of my life, I couldn't figure out why, why I was mocked so often, called a "crazy cat book girl," being the butt of every joke the Boys™ would make. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't function under triggering situations, like sudden loud noises, where I would literally go nonverbal. I couldn't understand why what I said was considered "rude" or how I was "talking too loud." I couldn't understand why tapping my foot or twirling my hair was bad and needed to be stopped. I didn't know why I got weird looks whenever I started talking about something I was enthusiastic about in class. I could go on and on and on and on and on for ages but this ramble is long enough as it is so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Just. For so long. I couldn't understand myself.

Enter quarantine.

I turned to the internet to indulge on one of my new "intense obsessions" as I called it (another thing I always questioned, since when I was obsessed with something, I went all in, annoying everyone around me hehe). I met a bunch of people who happened to be neurodivergent, and when talking about their own experiences and realizing how much I related to them, I went into a panic.

For so long I was taught "you [neurotypicals] are above [neurodivergent people]" (which is wrong, on so many levels, we need to do better on education about this kinda stuff). Then, I find out just how much I have in common, and suddenly everything I thought I knew is put into question. Who even am I?

Ever since them, I've just considered myself a "spicy neurotypical" because I don't wanna offend anybody by labelling myself as neurodivergent and then being wrong, but recently I feel like that's changed.

I finally got through to my parents when they realized that I could not just "suck it up," I have traits that actually need to be addressed, and urgently. I honestly think it broke them, my mom in particular, because she always wants to be the best mom she can and to not have anything hold back her relationship with her daughter. I'm glad she finally is starting to see through my lens, but it's still gonna take a while. Still, I'm relieved in that aspect.

Ever since then, we've been pursuing a diagnosis of some kind, more specifically sensory processing disorder, so that when I go to college I can get accomadations. I won't have an official examination until August 4, just a few weeks before entering college on August 30, just a few weeks before I become a legal adult on August 26.

I had a meet up with one of the people who works with the psychologist the other day, to kind of get a sense of my situation. It was odd because they didn't just ask me about sensory stuff, but also about how I act. The more questions I answered about my behavior, the more I came to realize this wasn't just a sensory issue, but a behavioral situation as well.

My mom was on the phone with them the other day and-

They theorize I'm autistic.

You don't realize how emotional of a realization that is for me.

No dude, like I'm actually tearing up writing this.

If only someone could have told me this when I was younger.

If only someone could have told me this when I was at a Wiggles concert, having a meltdown because of the confetti canons.

If only someone could have told me this when I was overwhelmed by the flahsing lights and the loud pyrotechnics when watching Phantom Of The Opera.

If only someone could have told me this when I couldn't connect with my band section and I couldn't figure out why they were treating me as a kid when I'm older than some of them.

If only someone could have told me that it's okay. That I'm not a lost cause. I'm not immature. I'm not a weirdo, I'm not [words I can't repeat], I'm just. I'm just me. Just imagine how much trauma I could have avoided.

(disclaimer: these traits can be found in neurotypical people too. it's the fact that I have so many of these traits that gives me and others the reason to believe I could possibly be neurodivergent. However it's a whole spectrum of stuff, it's different for everyone. Don't use me as a resource. These are just my experiences.)

TLDR: As someone who is afab, we aren't taken seriously until it's too late. And it's extremely damaging.

We need to do better. Actually. We need to better.

(sorry this was really long, I'm just very emotional rn. might delete this later. I may not even be autistic or have sensory processing disorder or adhd or any of that. I may just turn out to be "spicy neurotypical." But who knows. I'm just,,, I'm just praying that I'll get my answers in time. The right answers.)

[bandaged-writer]

a chance || dazai

➤ Pairing: Dazai x Reader

➤ Genre: fluff

➤ Warning: none

➤ Summary: To be held so closely and tightly by you, reminded him of the time you confessed to him one late afternoon. Now that Dazai thought about it, it was a lovely memory and wondered if it was okay for him to give in.

➤ Word count: 3.1k

➤ Note: This is my first time writing after nearly a year, but I hope you still enjoy it. Please, let me know what you think and feel free to drop a request in my inbox. ^.^

The sound of hurried footsteps were successfully drowned out by the hustle lingering within the busy streets of Yokohama. People chattered away either on their phone for business purposes or with their peers, laughing at jokes, pouting and enjoying themselves underneath the glowing sun of spring. The smell of food filled your nostrils as you passed them in a hurry and for a moment you contemplated getting a piece of that delicious piece of strawberry cake the bakery had on display. After all, your morning stopped you from having the slightest bit of breakfast in your system.

That train of thought, however, was interrupted by your colleague, Kunikida, picking up the phone. “Where are you? You’re already five minutes late and I doubt you’ll finish the reports you have to finish at this rate.” You couldn’t helpt the slight roll of your eyes, yet you knew that Kunikida only meant well - or so you’d like to believe. “I’m sorry, Kunikida,” you started with a heavy sigh, stopped at a traffic light and waited for the lights to turn green. “My car wouldn’t start this morning and the traffic is too horrible to take the bus. The next train would’ve arrived late so now I’m walking to work.” 

To anyone else, it could sound like an excuse, but Kunikida never saw you arriving late without a plausible reason and even that case was extremely rare. Whenever he entered the office, you’d arrive at the Agency only a few minutes after him, a treat from the local bakery in your hands and a grin on your face. Truth be told, it had become a part of Kunikida’s schedule: “Greet [Name] at 08:05 am”. That’s how consistent your presence was.  “That’s unfortunate,” Kunikida spoke and glanced over at your supposedly empty desk which Dazai was occupying, mumbling something about finding your Google search history and using it for blackmail while Atsushi was quite literally dragging his superior away from your desk. Luckily, all the chairs possessed the ability to roll. ‘‘How much longer will you take?“

One hand stuffed into the pocket of your jacket, you hastily crossed the street once the traffic lights turned green and skillfully avoided bumping into people, only stopping once because someone’s dog was sniffing your leg with a wagging tail. You stroked the pet’s head affectionately and cooed at the creature that possessed such button-like eyes. At least there was one good thing about your morning now. “Hmm..Maybe about ten minutes? Could be less, could be a few minutes more,” you spoke into the phone, unsure of how long you’d actually take. If the streets continued to be so lively, then you’d definitely need longer than usual. Why couldn’t those people choose a different day to go outside and meet up with their friends and business partners? Ah, not like you had any control over such a thing.

‘‘Dazai-san! I’m sure you won’t find anything on [Name]‘s computer!“ Atsushi argued loudly enough for you to catch it over the phone. ‘‘Isn’t this what people your age call ‘finding tea‘?“ Dazai whined in response, pouted his lips and acted like he had gotten seriously betrayed by the Internet and its slang language.

‘Oh, Dazai is back?” You asked Kunikida before he could ask you to hurry up so he wouldn’t end up wringing the brown-haired man’s neck who was currently going on Kunikida’s nerves with his usual antics. A smile cracked your lips at the thought of a sense of normality returning to the Agency. Well, as normal as it could be. “Unfortunately, yes. Please try to arrive as early as possible.”

With those words being said, the call ended and the small smile fell from your lips faster than it had found home on your face. Everyone was still on high alert after Atsushi was abducted by Akutagawa and fought the Port Mafia’s rabid dog. Then there was Dazai purposely getting himself caught by the mafia just so he could find out who had placed the bounty on the young boy’s head. He was successful as always, but usually it was a death sentence once you were within the wall’s of the Port Mafia.

Of course, you believed in Dazai. His calculations were awfully accurate and somehow, everything played right into his bandaged hands. A man of such intellect would be terrifying to anyone else, but it only made you wonder how sharp Dazai really was, how deep his thoughts truly went. You’d probably never find out.

Despite Dazai’s plans always working out one way or another, you couldn’t help but worry about the suicidal idiot while everyone else brushed it off, saying he was either drifting along the river or chatting up some pretty lady. Only Atsushi and you had voiced out your concerns at the time.

You’d barely made it through the door and shrugged off your jacket when your hand was suddenly held by an awfull familiar, bandaged one and chocolate orbs sparkled brightly upon your apparently long-awaited arrival. “What a blessing you are for my sore eyes!” Dazai exclaimed dramatically and pulled off his daily, overdramatical act, lips pulled into an anticipating and hopeful smile that this time you’d say yes to a double suicide with him. “Ah, [Name]! You won’t believe how dull and grey the morning is when you’re not here and all I see is Kunikida’s unflattering face.” Somewhere in the back, you could hear Kunikida call out his partner’s name in an offended and warning tone of voice, probably about to pop a vein, too.

Normally, you would’ve laughed at their antics, but this time, a frown slowly spread across your face as you looked at Dazai, his hand delicately holding yours. Only one mistake in his planned abduction could’ve sentenced him to death by the hands of some mafioso. He wouldn’t be here, holding your hand and fooling around with Atsushi, annoying Kunikida and receiving more paperwork as a result. That idiot wouldn’t ask you for a double suicide every morning or steal bite after bite of your food until it, according to Dazai, magically disappeared. He would be gone, erased, deleted. This was the first time Dazai had been at the office ever since his visit at the mafia. “A wonderful face such as yours would look absolutely stunning in a lover’s-”

Dazai cut himself off as you refused to even crack the ghost of a smile at his attempt of openly flirting with you. Usually, you’d hear him out and end up laughing at his rather serious suggestion, but this time, there wasn’t even a glimmer of amusement in your eyes. Instead, he found a layer of sudden sadness clouding your gaze, but it wasn’t enough for tears to spill. “Is everything okay?”

You lowered your gaze to the ground, bangs casting a shadow over your eyes while you slowly let your hand slip from Dazai’s gentle grasp and raised it up high. Suddenly, you smacked him upside down on the head - maybe a bit harder than you intended to, but it was deserved either way. “You idiot!,” you exclaimed loudly enough to catch the attention of your colleagues who were more than puzzled that you were upset with Dazai of all people. After all, they were convinced that the two of you were connected by the hip or siblings separated at birth. 

“Ah, didn’t I tell you that I’m not as fond of pain as I am of your face, [Name]?” Dazai whined after his chin collided with your shoulder pretty hard. A pout found home on his lips as he was about to rub the sore spot you had hit so mercilessly and out of the blue, as well. “Shut up,” you said and rested one hand on his back, the other one cradled the back of Dazai’s head, getting tangled in his messy, brown locks. It probably looked funny given that Dazai was taller than you and maybe you’d laugh about that later. “I was worried sick about you,” the grasp you had on his trenchcoat tightened like he was about to disappear, slip from your embrace like water through the gaps of your fingers. 

Chocolate-like orbs widened as he understood what the hit was for and he silently admitted that it was indeed deserved. He’d told you nothing about his plan to extract information directly from the mafia instead of receiving it through a third person. Of course, Dazai knew you’d be upset with him once he’d return to the Agency, knew about the feelings you held for him.

Dazai could feel your heart thumping against his chest in relief and allowed himself to bask in the warmth you radiated. He didn’t necessarily return the hug, but ended up patting the top of your head and gently messing up your styled hair which had probably frustrated you like every morning. To be held so closely and tightly by you, reminded him of the time you confessed to him one late afternoon. Now that Dazai thought about it, it was a lovely memory and wondered if it was okay for him to give in.

The sun was beginning to set and dipped the office of the Agency into an orange hue, giving the usually lively space a tranquil and warm aura that would be welcomed by anyone walking in. But the office was empty safe for Dazai and you who was typing away on the laptop in front of you, sending off important emails and bringing certain documents into chronological order to make it easier for Kunikida to skim through them whenever it’d be needed.

Dazai had ended up with more paperwork than necessary since he insisted on annoying Kunikida all day while you just had a lot to do. A case had caused a lot of material damage throughout Yokohama and now it was your duty to get everything organized and ready to be paid off by the insurance that had saved the Agency from bankruptcy more than once. That was why the two of you were currently stuck in the office, working overtime, unpaid.

Usually, you’d chat with the man sitting opposite of you about anything that came to mind, but that afternoon, you were nervously biting your bottom lip, chewing the sensitive flesh until it was reddened. The glances you stole of him were fleeting but you’d always look away whenever Dazai was about to make eye contact. Your cheeks were dusted in a pink hue as well and truth be told, it looked cute and suited you in a way. However, Dazai wasn’t too fond of your sudden silence. He was about to break the silence, but you cut him to it and closed the laptop shut a bit louder than necessary - you flinched at the sudden, strong sound bouncing off the walls of the Agency.

“I’ve got to tell you something,” your voice was full of conviction yet it was shaking with the insecurity of a child, your fingers couldn’t properly hold still. Interested in what you had to say, Dazai rested his chin on his palm, brown eyes attentive to your every move yet they held a soft glimmer in them and conjured a smile on his lips. “Hm? What is it?”

You took a deep breath - once, twice. It felt like your heart was trying to pound its way out of your ribcage, your pulse raced and you could hear the blood ringing in your ears. But this was no time to chicken out. If you didn’t do it now, God knew when the next best chance would be offered to you on a silver platter like this. “This might sound silly, but I think I might be developing feelings towards you,” you confessed in one breath and for a moment it felt like a burden had been lifted off your shoulders. It felt good to come clean. “You don’t have to return those feelings at all. I just..really needed to get this off my chest and I don’t want it to change anything between us,” and it was true. You didn’t mind being just friends with the suicide enthusiast as long as he remained by your side in some way. But unsaid feelings can be one’s downfall, so you took the risk.

The expression on Dazai’s face didn’t change, but it wasn’t quite readable, either. There was a certain depth to it that you’d never reach the end of, no matter how deep you swam, no matter how deep you’d cut. “I was wondering when you’d notice,” Dazai pretty much deadpanned. He had taken notice of your lingering gaze, the more frequent blushing when he’d compliment you or the fact that you always brought food with you, although you knew he’d eat it instead. The confusion on your face at that moment was quite amusing, too. Dazai chuckled, “you’re pretty much an open book for me to read, [Name].”

Of course, he’d know before you’d even notice your own feelings, you thought to yourself and let a gentle chuckle slip past your lips. It was really futile to hide anything from that man. “Promise it won’t change anything between us?”

“Promise,” he smiled in a heartfelt way.

“Yes, we’re all very happy you two get along,” Kunikida cut the moment without mercy and dumped a load of paperwork on your desk that contained things like finances, complaints, cancelled cases as well as successful ones. “But work comes first.” The blonde adjusted his glasses on his nose and then crossed the point of giving you your work for the day out of his schedule. Next was getting the discounted eggs and several other goods. No way he was going to miss out on that. “Come on, don’t be so harsh on them, Kunikida,” Yosano said, sitting on the edge of Ranpo’s desk who had been watching the scene with snacks between his fingers. “You know how they are,” the doctor tried to reason with the idealist and possibly lessen your paperwork. Kunikida shook his head no - as was expected but one could always hope, right? “That’s no excuse to be slacking.”

“Don’t worry about it,” you assured your colleagues and got to your desk only to find your Google search history opened. So that bandaged bastard really did want to find dirt on you. Luckily, this wasn’t your personal laptop but the one you explicitly used for work. “It has to be done sooner or later, anyway. I’d rather have it off the desk now than tomorrow,” getting comfortable, you opened up Excel and began typing in the different losses as well as profits the Agency had made, giving several documents your signature and the likes. 

“And what was that about my face being unflattering, you bandage wasting machine?!”

“Ouch, words hurt, Kunikida-kun!”

True to your words, all the paperwork was off your desk, every single data was saved on your laptop and the documents were stored away safely in a folder. When you looked out of the window, you saw that the large crowds from this morning were beginning to clear out, the sun was about to set soon. Considering the time, you doubted that anyone else would enter the Agency, today. 

Atsushi was out on a job with Kenji, Kunikida was getting those discounted eggs, Ranpo had finished a murder case and most likely went home with Tanizaki’s help. Yosano had given you a hand with some of your work but left early.

You closed the Agency’s door when your ears perked up at the sound of footsteps approaching you and sighed. “I’m sorry but we’re closed for today,” you spoke and locked the door properly, letting the key slide into the pocket of your jacket. But to your surprise, it was no possible client that wanted to give the Agency yet another case. “What? You can’t recognize me by the sound of my footsteps? I’m disappointed, [Name],” Dazai feigned hurt and put his hand right above his heart. The audacity you had to not recognize him after working together for so long! You couldn’t help the surprise adorning your face - Dazai never got back to his workplace unless he was dragged by Kunikida or it was a top priority. “Yeah, you must be incredibly hurt and will never get over it,” you laughed and cocked your hips to your side. “Now, what did you come back for?”

It was at that very moment that Dazai dropped the theatrical act that you had grown so fond of and replaced it what that damned tender face of his. You know, the face someone made when they could see their puppy grow up. “Let’s go on a date,” He spoke softly, not tripping over a syllable and remaining completely composed unlike you when you had confessed one or two months ago. Heat rose to your cheeks and suddenly, you grew oddly shy. Sure, Dazai was the epitome of a flirt and regularly asked women to commit a double suicide with him, but never quite asked them for a date with a look in his eyes that made the endless depths of them seem reachable. “Are you serious?” You double-checked, eyebrows raised in curiosity of his sincerity. Although you were pretty sure that Dazai wasn’t messing around in that moment, you feared that your ears might’ve played an ill trick on you. “As serious as a suicide enthusiast can be,” Dazai confirmed and offered for you to take his hand. Your eyes flickered from his hand and back to his face a few times, wondering what changed his mind about your feelings towards him and being a little bit cautious. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“You trust me, don’t you?” You hated it whenever he pulled the trust card. Both of you knew you could never say no to that particular question, because it’d be a lie. And Dazai had a nose for lies. Sighing, you put your hand in his and watched his face light up in a pleased way, red staining your cheeks and your heart rate gradually picking up the more you realized that Dazai was seriously taking you out. In a date way. 

As the two of you strolled throughout Yokohama’s streets and ended up in a small restaurant where Dazai made up for all the times he’d eaten your food by treating you to dinner, he’d realized that maybe this was one of the few right decisions he’d ever made.

A friend of him once told him he could never fill the empty hole in his heart. But maybe you could.

[iam93percentstardust]

I'm bombarding you with those prompts, so I fully understand if you just ignore all those you don't like, lol. Would WinterIronFalcon be an OT3 you're intrested in writing? Some established WinterFalcon with Tony pining helplessly after them, not believeing he could have a chance? With a dash of angst in it? Thank you ♡

There isn’t much angst in this but there is hopeless pining so yay?

Also on ao3 here

~

“Share Bear, it’s not fair,” Tony whines into the phone.

“What isn’t?” his cousin asks, sounding patient but also kind of amused. He takes the phone away from his ear and squints at it. Is she making fun of him? She probably is, Sharon always makes fun of him. She’s mean like that; he’s pretty sure she gets it from Natasha.

“They’re so fucking gorgeous, I can’t stand it.”

“Oh. Them again. Seriously Tony, didn’t you used to have better taste?”

“Excuse you,” he says, offended. “My taste is perfect.”

“They think arguing is foreplay.”

“It’s bickering! And it’s cute!”

“Gross,” Sharon says cheerfully.

“God hates me,” Tony says dramatically, flinging his hand over his eyes. “That’s why he cursed me to work with two such beautiful humans who are already dating each other.”

“Tony—”

“I know Bucky stays up to date with the fandom,” he continues, going a little quieter. “He’s gotta know that tons of people ship the three of us. But he doesn’t say anything about it. Share Bear, why doesn’t he say anything?”

“Probably because for every person who ships all three of you, there’s twice as many who ship just you and him,” she admits. “I know that if someone were shipping Maria and Nat and ignoring that I even exist, I’d be pretty upset.”

“Yeah,” he says glumly.

“What’re you filming today anyway?” she asks.

“True Crime. We were supposed to be doing an episode of Supernatural at the Odinson Mystery House, you know, over in Norway where the son found out he was adopted and then got super into Norse mythology and supposedly disappeared into a rainbow?”

“Oh yeah, that guy was crazy.”

“Wasn’t,” Tony insist stubbornly. “There are three different eyewitnesses and they all saw the same thing.”

“All three eyewitnesses tested positive for meth.”

“It was trace amounts and ruled irrelevant to the case. Anyway, there’s some sort of blizzard so our flight got canceled. We figured we’d get a jump on this season’s True Crime episodes instead.”

“What are you doing this week?”

He scowls into the phone. “Fandom episode. They voted for Captain America.”

He can practically hear Sharon wince. “I’m sorry. That fucking sucks.”

“Yeah,” he agrees, not least because both of them know exactly what happened to Captain America. He was recovered from the Arctic back in the 50s and went on to live a very happy and fulfilling life with Aunt Peggy. But that’s a very closely guarded state secret; the U.S. government can’t let it get out that Steve Rogers survived nearly a decade in the ice. Technically, Tony and Sharon aren’t even supposed to know but Aunt Peggy had insisted she be allowed to tell them after she took custody of Sharon and Tony moved out of Howard’s and into her home. It’s kind of cool actually, knowing that Uncle Steve is really Captain America. He’s a pretty great guy. It just kind of sucks that he can’t tell anyone about it and now he has to do a whole episode about it when everyone knows he’s a shitty liar.

He’d talked it over with Uncle Steve and Aunt Peggy when the results of the vote had first come in. Aunt Peggy’s advice had been to act more manic than usual, throw even more outlandish theories into the mix, and really make this episode about the banter between him and Bucky. “Direct their attention away from Steve,” she’d said. “They’re already going to be looking at you. Just make sure they’re doing it for the wrong reason.”

He kind of wants to kiss Bucky. That would definitely draw attention away from the episode. But that’s not fair to either Bucky or Sam, who are very happy with their relationship and don’t need a homewrecker like Tony throwing a spanner into the mix.

“Good luck,” Sharon tells him before they hang up. “You’re gonna need it.”

“Wow, thanks,” he mutters but she’s already gone.

~

Marvels Unsolved was never supposed to be this popular. It started off as a novelty webseries about Tony trying to convince Bucky about the existence of the supernatural—he firmly believed that if science could turn Uncle Steve from an actual shrimp to the god of muscles, then magic had to be out there—and then they’d started talking about an unsolved crime from the early 20th century after filming an episode one day, forgetting that the camera was still rolling, and had ended up with enough footage to make a second episode about real crimes. They had stayed pretty unknown throughout that first season but then true crime podcasts had exploded in popularity and Unsolved along with them.

Now they have a fandom and merchandise and actual fanfiction written about them, which is the craziest thing. They both have several often-quoted gifs floating around the Internet and Bucky has somehow become the poster child for being unimpressed by literally everything (he actually makes some of the best faces when something genuinely scary happens but they always end up editing those parts out—he has an image to maintain after all).

They brought Sam on once they started gaining in popularity. Tony, by that point, already had a pretty well-established crush on Bucky. He’d even thought that he had a chance with his co-host, small as it may be, and at first, it hadn’t seemed like Sam was going to change anything. He and Bucky argued all the time so Tony had been absolutely stunned when he’d stumbled upon them making out like it was the end of the world.

They had just finished filming their second season. Sam had suggested going out to a local bar. He’d suggested it for all three of them but Tony had, inexplicably, felt like a third wheel all night as Sam and Bucky bickered. At one point, Sam had disappeared off to the restroom and a couple minutes later, Bucky had followed him. Tony doesn’t know how long he had sat there waiting for them but he’d eventually gone looking for them only to find Sam pressing Bucky up against a wall.

And that had been that.

Three years later, Sam and Bucky are still going strong, Tony is as smitten with Sam as he is with Bucky despite knowing how hopeless both crushes are, and the fandom seems convinced to either write Sam out of Tony and Bucky’s relationship or write Tony into Sam and Bucky’s. He wishes they would stop. He stays pretty up to date with the fandom as well and they have all these meta posts about the way Bucky looks at him or something. It just keeps giving him hope but, well, it’s been three years. If Bucky wanted him, or if Sam did for that matter, they would have done something long ago.

~

“Hey, you doing okay?” Sam asks him as they’re setting up.

“Sure, why wouldn’t I be?” He avoids meeting Sam’s eyes, focusing instead on adding creamer to the coffee. Marvels had presented them with these mugs last year to congratulate them on four years of Unsolved. They’ve got their most iconic quotes printed on them, Bucky’s with “Obviously I killed JFK” and Tony’s with “I’m the dramatic bitch your mom warned you about.” Sam has one too with his one and only line in the entire show printed on it (“Why did I agree to work with you?”) but since he’s always behind the camera, he doesn’t have to use the same mug for each episode.

“You just seem a little off.” The worst part is that Sam genuinely looks concerned. If they didn’t care about him, he thinks his crush might be easier to manage but they do because they’re just nice guys like that. “I know you weren’t too thrilled when we announced this week’s case.”

“Howard worked with him, practically hero-worshipped the damn guy. Of course, I’m not excited.”

Sam winces. They know all about Tony’s shitty relationship with Howard after his dad called Marvels furious that his son was hosting a webseries instead of coming home to grovel at his feet and take over the business. The whole team had been brought in to listen as Fury tried to placate him. By the end, Bucky had been furious on Tony’s behalf and Sam had berated Fury for twenty minutes for making Tony listen to the vitriol his dad had spewed. It had cemented his crush on Sam, then just a passing fancy, into something real and permanent.

“Seriously, Sam, I’m fine. Might be a little off today but I would have said if I didn’t think I could do it.”

Sam doesn’t look convinced but he agrees anyway. Tony sits down next to Bucky and passes him his mug. Bucky shoots him a grin and murmurs, “Thanks, doll.”

Tony doesn’t blush but that’s only because he has five years of practice. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots Sam counting them down and he turns to face the camera, settling his hands in front of him.

“This week on Marvels Unsolved True Crime and in celebration of our 100th episode,” he begins, “we asked you what you’d like us to investigate and you came back—”

“—overwhelmingly,” Bucky interjects.

“Many, many times,” Tony agrees, “with a topic near and dear to my own heart: Captain America.”

“That’s right,” Bucky says, sounding surprised though Bucky had been the first to point out that maybe they shouldn’t do this episode because of Tony’s connections to Project Rebirth. “Your dad helped turn Steve Rogers into Captain America, didn’t he?”

“And he never let me forget it!” Tony says cheerfully.

“One hundred episodes,” Bucky says slowly, enunciating each word. “Can you believe that, doll?”

Sometimes, he wonders why the fans ship them when Sam is right there. Other times, Bucky says things like this and he understands completely.

“Not even a little bit, Bucky Babe.” Okay, so maybe he doesn’t help.

“One hundred. The big one zero zero.”

“We tried to do something extra special and get Sam in front of the camera for you guys—”

“—so you could see what a hunk he is—”

“—but Sam said that he didn’t trust anyone else to film us properly—”

“—which makes sense because Tony? If you put him in the wrong light, he’s practically a gremlin—”

“Hey!”

“I’m just telling the facts.”

“Well, the facts are wrong.”

“They’re facts, sweet thing, they can’t be wrong.”

“Can too. Anyway, since Sam refuses to join us—”

“—and that just breaks my heart because Sam, he’s one of my favorite guys, you know?”

Tony pauses. It’s not like Bucky to say anything nice about Sam. Usually, it’s all good-natured insults and bickering. He must really be fed up with the Starkbucks shippers to say something like this when they’re still this early in the show.

“Only one of?” he asks curiously.

Bucky shoots him one of those filthy grins that their audience loves so much. “Well, it’s hard not to include you on that list,” he drawls.

He’s not going to blush.

He’s not going to blush.

He’s not going to—

Damn it.

Whatever. It’s no big deal, that’s what editing is for. So what if Sam has never edited out one of Tony’s blushes yet? Maybe Tony will get lucky and he will this time.

“You know, I was actually named for Captain America’s sidekick?” Bucky asks, getting them back on track.

“Wow, that is deeply unfortunate,” Tony deadpans.

“Yeah, Dad’s a fanboy. His whole troop was pinned down and rescued by the two of them. He tells the story all the time—kind of like your dad.”

“Except my dad goes straight past into fanboy and directly into obsession territory.”

“…Fair enough.”

“Really? That’s all you’re going to say?”

Bucky shrugs and takes a sip out of his mug. “I’ve been inside your house. I’ve seen the Steve Rogers shrine. I’m not going to argue with you.”

Tony thinks about that for a moment. “It is kind of a shrine, isn’t it? Anyway, we’ve got some great stuff for you today. We’re going to crack open this cold case, show you some never-before-seen footage courtesy of my mom sneaking my dad’s old war tapes out of the mansion, and then we’ll talk a little bit about the theories out there.”

“How many of them are going to be ridiculously outlandish and physically impossible?”

Tony glares at him. “None of them. I have never once presented a ridiculously outlandish and physically impossible theory.”

“Right because alien abduction is a valid—”

“Aliens are real!”

“You said that crabs might have eaten Amelia Earheart!” Bucky shouts over him.

“It’s a valid theory!”

“I take it back, you’re not one of my favorite people anymore.”

“That really hurts me, deep inside,” Tony says sarcastically, trying to cover up that maybe that does send a small pang shooting through his chest. He likes the thought of being one of Bucky’s favorite people. He doesn’t want to lose that.

“How deep?” Bucky asks and winks.

“Very deep. Way, way deep down. Practically in my—”

Bucky’s eyes widen and he nearly chokes on his coffee. “Okay, that’s enough of that. Let’s get into the facts.”

“Hey, that’s my line!”

~

“With a missing plane and pilot and so much redaction in the files, we’re lucky to even have a name, let’s get into the theories.”

“Actually, wait, before we do that,” Bucky says, “I want to ask if you’ve ever noticed that your voice changes when you’re doing the voiceovers.”

“Wait, what?” Tony asks. He glances at him, to one of the cameras, then back to Bucky. “What do you mean?”

“You know, it gets all deeper like you’re trying to voice movie trailers or something.”

“No it doesn’t.”

“Sure it does.”

Tony shakes his head. “There’s no way.”

They both turn toward Sam, who thinks about it and then makes a ‘sort of’ motion with his hand.

“Told you!” Bucky says triumphantly.

“You’re such a child,” Tony sneers.

“Yeah, that’s why you like working with me so much.”

Behind the camera, Sam silently snickers and Tony glares at him before telling the camera, “If you’re watching, let us know in the comments. Is my apparent movie trailer voice okay or does it need to go like Bucky clearly thinks?”

Bucky goes paler. “Hey, wait, I didn’t say it had to go.”

“It was implied when you brought it up,” he argues.

“No!” Bucky insists. “I was just wondering if it was on purpose.”

They both turn toward Sam, who thinks about it and then makes a ‘sort of’ motion with his hand.

“Aha!” Tony says triumphantly.

“Traitor,” Bucky mutters into his coffee.

Sam signs, “I’ll make it up to you when we get home tonight.”

“And that was more than I ever wanted to learn about Sam and Bucky’s love life,” Tony lies through his teeth. “Let’s get into the theories. I only have two for you today, one of which I think Bucky will particularly like.”

“Oh no.”

“Our first theory is that Steve Rogers died in a plane crash on December 16, 1944. Winter months in the Arctic are known to be particularly stormy. There would have been low visibility due to the high latitude and time of year and with the waters and surrounding land being well below freezing, it’s possible that, even if Captain Rogers survived the impact, he would have frozen to death in the stormy seas.”

Bucky thinks about it for a second. “Yeah, that seems plausible.”

“In addition, Howard Stark, a known Captain America aficionado and the father of Marvels Unsolved’s best host—”

“You lie like a rug!” Bucky howls.

Tony snickers and then when Sam signs, “He’s really not,” bursts out into full-out laughter.

Once he’s recovered, he continues, “Howard Stark has spent the first fifty years after the crash of the Valkyrie and the last twenty funding searches in the Arctic in the hopes of recovering Captain Rogers’ body. He has found no evidence that Captain Rogers survived the crash although he did find part of the remains of the Valkyrie and has since stated that, ‘No human could have survived that crash.’”

The expeditions are a scam and have been since Howard first found the Valkyrie crash site and Uncle Steve along with it. He hadn’t been planning on continuing the expeditions—too costly, as he claims—but when Aunt Peggy had told him that Uncle Steve’s survival had to remain a secret, he’d kept them up for pretense’s sake.

Bucky is saying something about how it sucks that the first superhero is gone and when he finishes, Tony grins and says, “Then you’ll like our second theory.”

“Somehow, every time you say that, I end up completely hating it. Wonder why that is.”

“Our second theory is that Steve Rogers survived the crash and is still alive but cryogenically frozen in the ice. There—”

“Bullshit!”

Tony starts laughing but he tries to continue on over Bucky shouting that it’s complete nonsense. It’s hard and he knows that Sam will probably have to do some editing and maybe make Tony do some voiceover work in order to make the theory audible but he thinks he manages to do a pretty good job.

Bucky is pouting by the end of it, arms crossed over his chest. “What fucking bullshit,” he mutters.

“The supersoldier serum—” Tony starts to point out.

“Isn’t a miracle drug.”

“That’s exactly what it is.”

“No, it just made him big and strong. It doesn’t just magically keep people alive when they should have died.”

And then they’re off into familiar territory, arguing about the merits of either theory. Tony’s actually feeling pretty good about himself, convinced that he’s doing a decent job of steering the conversation away of anything classified, right up until Bucky says, about halfway through the episode, “I’m surprised at you, Tony.”

He wrinkles his nose. “Surprised?”

“Usually, you have some absolutely batshit, off-the-walls crazy theory but these have actually been pretty normal for you.” He pauses and then adds for effect, “And you’re usually much better at your research than this.”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh come on, even I know that there’s one more theory.”

He starts tapping at his chest nervously, almost wishing that he had a pair of sunglasses. Aunt Peggy always said that his lies are in his eyes, that they’re too expressive to hide the truth. When he was living with Howard, in the spotlight, he always had a pair of sunglasses to hide his eyes but he hasn’t wanted to use those since he moved out. He wishes he had them now.

“And what’s that?” he asks, feigning a casualness he doesn’t feel.

“That Steve Rogers lived and came out of the ice at some point and has been living out his life in anonymity.”

He barks out a nervous laugh. “I didn’t mention it because even I know that that theory is completely impossible.”

“Hasn’t stopped you before.” Sam nods agreeably. Bucky nods back at him and adds, “Even Sam agrees with me.”

“He’s your boyfriend, he’s practically required to.”

Both Sam and Bucky laugh at that one and yeah, okay, it was a pretty ridiculous statement. Anyone who knows them knows that being boyfriends is less likely to make them agree with each other.

“Look, Steve Rogers didn’t come out of the ice alive. Howard would have known for one thing and if you think, he could keep something like that quiet, then you don’t know him very well.”

“Maybe the government insisted it be a secret,” Bucky suggests, shrugging. “There have been plenty of people who have claimed over the last couple decades to be Captain America.”

Tony scoffs. “Oh come on, by that logic, anyone could be Captain America.”

“Maybe they could be.”

“No,” Tony says flatly. “It’s like that crazy conspiracy theory guy over on Reddit who’s convinced that Bruce Wayne is Batman.”

“Maybe Bruce Wayne is Batman.”

“Ooh do the butts match?” Tony says mockingly. “I mean, really, Bucky Babe, if we’re going off of lookalikes, then my fucking Uncle Steve is secretly really Steve Rogers, which is ridiculous because the guy’s like practically ancient and faints at the sight of blood in PG-13 movies.”

That sets off another round of arguing that lasts the rest of the episode until finally Tony wraps it up with, “Whether Steve Rogers died in 1944 or is still alive today is a mystery that will remain unsolved.”

They both pause for a moment to provide time for Sam to edit in the theme music and closing title. Usually, there would be some lighthearted bantering afterwards, maybe a joke about something they said earlier in the show. This time though, Bucky says thoughtfully, “The thing is, though, I’ve met your Uncle Steve—”

Tony goes cold.

“—and he really does kind of look like—”

Tony panics. That’s the only explanation that he has for declaring, “I’m done waiting,” reaching across the tables and grabbing hold of Bucky’s shirt, and yanking him forward to kiss him.

For a moment, Bucky is too startled to do anything but then he melts into Tony, mouth opening under his, tongue pushing forward to meet his. Bucky’s arms come around him, pulling him up and out of his chair and settling him into his lap. Tony makes a small greedy sound, swallowed by Bucky’s kiss, and then they’re both pulling away. Bucky’s lips are very red; Tony can’t stop staring at them even as he’s filled with dismay.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I shouldn’t have—”

“Why not?” Bucky demands.

“You—Sam—” He glances toward the camera but Sam isn’t standing there anymore. His heart drops into his stomach—has he just ruined Bucky and Sam’s relationship? But then he hears someone drop to their knees behind him and when he turns slightly, Sam’s fingers are on his chin, gently turning his head.

“How long?” Sam asks.

“How long what?”

“How long have we been wasting our time when we could have been kissing you instead?”

Three years, two months, and fifteen days. “Too long.”

Sam kisses him then, mouth gentler than Bucky’s but no less consuming. Bucky is a hard, hot line against his front; Sam is warm against his back and Tony? Tony loses himself in the storm that is the two of them, sparks shooting through him as Bucky’s hands find their way to his hips, as Sam’s tongue slips into his mouth, as Bucky whispers into his ear, “We’re not wasting any more time.”

~

Marvels Unsolved’s 100th episode shoots to their most watched, most liked video in less than a day and when asked, maybe the smallest handful of viewers could have said what it was about.

The day after it posts, only a week after it was filmed, Tony’s phone rings.

“Kill it with fire,” Sam says sleepily.

Tony, however, recognizes Aunt Peggy’s ringtone and he rolls over to grab it before Bucky can throw it at the wall. “Hello?” he asks groggily.

“Congratulations on not blowing Steve’s cover,” she says.

“Oh yeah,” Tony mutters. “Can I go back to bed now?”

“One more thing, duck.”

“What’s that?”

“Congratulations on the new boyfriends.”

[let-it-raines]

For catch me if you can, I'd really love to see something about them having a second kid since I know you mentioned it before. Maybe something about how Emma's pregnancy is different now that Killian's retired! Thank you for all of your wonderful words!!!!!!

I am forever and always amazed by the love and support that the Catch Me If You Can universe receives, and I love that you guys let me get these words out of my head and onto the page...or the screen. 

So here’s just a day in the life for these two that definitely alludes to some things that happen in their future!

on ao3 | here | if that’s more your jam. 

-/-

July 2025

Killian doesn’t know what to do with himself.

He’s cleaned the house. Every damn floor. That includes dusting the shutters and scrubbing the baseboards and running the vacuum twice before cleaning all of the hardwood and tile.

All of the beds are made, which is not an easy feat for how many pillows Emma likes to put on their bed, and all of Jace’s toys are in their containers. Killian knows that they’ll all be dumped out later, probably as soon as Jace wakes up from his nap, but it’s nice for once to not be worried about stepping on something and for his living room to not be a disaster.

Jace is one of the best things to ever happen to him, but Killian is still not used to how everything is beyond messy all of the time.

But not now.

Though, if it was still messy, at least he’d have something to do.

He’s cleaned the house, worked out, paid bills, set out chicken to defrost for dinner, and now, all he has to do is watch the game.

That’s not necessarily what he wants to be doing right now.

Not when he’s not the one on the mound or in the dugout and not when he still recognizes over half the faces in Yankees uniforms.

He could still be playing. He could. His arm hasn’t hurt in awhile, but that’s because he hasn’t been pitching several days a week and doing training and playing games. He has given his body the rest it needs, but damn if he doesn’t still ache.

It was his decision. He wanted it. It’s for the best.

Watching this season, though, not having any kind of regular job or connection or part of the team, is fucking weird.

But he watches because he loves the game and loves Will and Eric and Robin and all of the other guys on the team.

He watches because he likes to listen to his wife kick ass as a commentator.

She does every single time. Sighing, Killian puts the vacuum on its dock in the closet and then walks over into the living room, plopping down on the couch and turning the volume up. They’re in the bottom of the sixth, the Yankees are winning, and he hears Emma telling some story about Will that he knows is one of the age-old tales that publicists feed commentators so they have something to say to fill dead air-time.

Emma hates having to use those, but she tries not to let too much of her own personal connection with the players in.

That doesn’t really work when fifty percent of what she’s asked about has to do with him. She says it doesn’t bother her, that she’s proud to be his wife and to get to tell stories of all of her seasons with him, but there’s this small part of him that will always hate whenever anyone makes her career about him. They’re intertwined, yes, but Emma has always stood out.

His phone rings in his lap, and Killian slides his finger across the screen.

“Hey, A.”

“Hey,” Ariel says, “did you get any of my emails today?”

“I haven’t checked. Why? What’s up?”

“I sent you some stuff about interviews. Fallon and Meyers both want you on. GMA and Kelly and Ryan want you and Emma on.”

“For what? We’re not promoting anything, and you know we’re keeping Emma away from as many cameras as possible.”

“She’s literally on TV right now.”

“You know they only shoot from the shoulders up most of the time, unless it’s a rain delay or something.”

“They can do that on these shows.”

“With all of the crew that’s on those sets?” Killian clicks his tongue and stretches his arms above his head. “I don’t know. I have to talk to Emma. Why do they want us on, again?”

“It seems the two of you have become very popular on the internet because of a Buzzfeed article.”

“What the hell?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know it’s weird, but it’s one of those where they talk about reasons to watch sports, and then they list a bunch of attractive athletes. You’re on the list, and the author attached a link or whatever to some article about you, Emma, and Jace. It’s kind of blown up into its own thing. How have you not seen it?”

“Woah, woah, woah, do these people not realize I’m retired? They can’t watch me play unless they want to watch old games.”

“You’re literally missing the entire point.”

“No, I got it, A.”

“So will you do the shows?”

“Eh,” he groans, running his hand through his hair, “that sounds a little too gimmicky to me, especially the morning show ones, and I told you I have to run it by Emma before I let you run with it.”

“Look, I get it,” Ariel sighs, and he has a feeling she’s about to do some of her famous convincing. “You’re a manager’s dream, Killian Jones, but you’re also my worst nightmare. I know you don’t like actually saying it, even though you just did, but you’re retired now. You’re going to have money coming in forever no matter what, but it wouldn’t help to grease the wheels a little bit, keep your star power alive while you stay under the radar figuring out the next big thing for you. I’m just saying that this could be good for the both of you. I’ll even make it so that the questions can’t be too invasive.”

“How are they not going to be invasive? They’re literally asking about my personal life. That’s why they want me on the shows.”

“I have my magic ways.”

Killian groans and leans back on the couch, running his hands through his hair and pinching his nose. “We’re keeping this pregnancy quiet as long as possibly can. The only way either of us would possibly agree to it is careful camera angles and no mention of the pregnancy.”

“How would they mention the pregnancy if they don’t know about it?”

“Well, someone could see. Look, I don’t know. I’ll run it by Emma tonight, okay?”

Ariel’s sigh is deep on the other end of the phone, and he knows that she gets it, even if she’s exasperated with him. It’s been happening a lot more lately with her trying to learn to manage him when he’s not always in the clubhouse or on the plane, and the adjustment period is still new.

All of this is.

“She’s going to say no.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I know the two of you, I do. Is there any way I could convince you to do it, just you?”

Killian chuckles and rolls his eyes. He wouldn’t be opposed to going on a few late night shows. Those were always a good time. He’s just not going to have his life be put on a public platter without talking to his wife first. “Bye, A. Go bother your husband.”

“He’s kind of in the middle of a game right now in case you haven’t noticed.”

“I’m sure you can still find a way to bother him.”

She scoffs. “I will hear from you by the morning, you asshole. Goodbye.”

And then the line goes dead.

Bloody frustrating woman.

Emma’s voice echoes from the television, and Killian turns his attention back to the game. From all accounts, this seems like any other run of the mill game where everything has been average. It’s not a blow out, there aren’t any spectacular plays, and it’d be a good game to put on for a nap.

Maybe that’s what he should be doing with his free time.

He should have done that earlier, though, because he knows that Jace will be up soon.

“My husband won three World Series in what a lot of people consider a very short career for a pitcher. I don’t think you can say that’s normal. There’s only a handful of men born in the last few decades that can say that, actually.”

“Of course,” Isaac adds, “but with the way you say it, you act as if he won all of those on his own.”

Oh fucking hell. Isaac and James need to go to another team or another network. Killian’s never listened to them much since he used to watch games on mute, but damn, it’s like they don’t know how to talk positively about anyone. Is that what viewers want?

“I have never once said that,” Emma corrects, tense. “It’s always been a team effort. The starting pitcher doesn’t even play the entire game, but you implied that my husband was a mediocre player when he was anything but. Of course, he had help. Will Scarlet, for instance, helped Killian in every game. These teams are like puzzles, and you have to have all of the pieces to get the end goal. But, I mean, damn, can we go one game without you interrogating me on Killian’s stats? He was a damn good player, and nothing is going to change that.”

“You don’t have to get so emotional about it. I’m simply doing my job.”

Fuck you, Isaac.

“Alright,” Emma sighs, the camera now showing them in the booth. She’s smiling, and to the rest of the world, she looks like she always does, but there’s a tightness in the tug of her lips that he doesn’t like. “Let’s look at a play of the game presented by Chase.”

And then the screen cuts to a double play from earlier, and Killian mutes the television and stands up. What just happened isn’t going to go over well with the network, and he already knows Emma isn’t going to be home late.

Killian sighs and walks upstairs until he gets to Jace’s room. Jace is standing up in his crib trying to climb over it, and when he looks up and sees Killian, he plops back down and pretends that he wasn’t just trying to do some kind of Mission Impossible escape. They’ve got to think about moving the kid to a bed soon. All of the books say he needs to be a little older, but Killian thinks Jace might be ready.

He and Emma likely are not.

“What are you doing there, lad?” Killian laughs, leaning against the doorframe.

“Sleeping.”

“With your eyes open?”

Jace giggles and closes his eyes, cheesing like he does every time Emma tries to get him to pose for a picture. The blue of his eyes disappears into thin lines. “We play ball?”

“How are you going to play ball with your eyes closed?”

One eye slowly opens before the other joins in. “I play baseball.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Killian sighs, walking into the room and reaching into the crib to grab Jace, kissing his cheek before brushing his curls off his forehead. “We will go and play baseball, and then we’re going to cook some dinner for Mommy. Does that sound good? Dinner?”

“Pizza?”

“No, lad, not pizza. We can have some chicken though.”

Jace pouts.

“Yeah, I know. Pizza is better than chicken, but it’s all about balance, my boy.”

Killian and Jace go through their post naptime routine before Killian grabs the soft baseball they use with him and they walk out to their back patio. They have a little bit of green space back here, would have more if Killian would take the time to landscape and reorganize their furniture, and the thought has him making a mental checklist of that being his project for tomorrow.

Scratch that. Today is the end of the series, and Emma will be home for the next few days without having to go into the office or into the stadium. They could do it together, but he told her they’d have a day where they do absolutely nothing.

He intends to stick to that promise even if it’s nearly impossible for him to sit still.

He plays catch with Jace, which mostly consists of Jace tossing the ball up at such an angle that it immediately hits the ground and then drops dead. It’s that over and over again, but this tires the kid out and is something he genuinely enjoys. Killian will do absolutely anything in the world to make his son smile, and if that means chasing after a ball for an hour, he’ll do it.

That also means that when Jace gets exhausted while Killian is cooking dinner that he’ll deal with the meltdown and try to calmly explain to a toddler that it’s okay that the blue marker isn’t anywhere to be found because he can color with all of the others.

That doesn’t really fly when all he wants is a blue marker.

Obviously, he’s really knocking this whole dad thing out of the park.

The alert on Killian’s phone goes off, and he pulls up the camera to see Emma pulling into the garage. He opens his mouth, about to tell Jace that Emma’s home, but he decides to let it be a surprise. Maybe that way the kid will get out of his funk for a moment and be happier.

Or he’ll have a meltdown in front of Emma.

At this point it’s really a guessing game.

In a few minutes, Killian hears the sound of her footsteps on the stairs, and then she’s rounding the corner and moving into the kitchen. Her hair is pulled back into a ponytail, loose pieces around the front framing her face, and she’s not wearing any shoes. When she left the house today she was in heels and her hair was cascading down her back in waves, and if he couldn’t see the bags under her eyes and see the tightness in her smile, he’d know she was tired from her change in attire.

“Mommy,” Jace squeals when he looks up and sees her. Killian steps away from the salad he’s fixing and helps Jace down, and then he’s running toward Emma and waiting for her to pick him up. “Hi.”

“Hi, baby,” she sighs, kissing his cheek and brushing his curls back. “I missed you. Did you and Daddy have a good day?”

He eagerly nods his head, and Killian lets out a little sigh of relief. Maybe he’s not fucking this whole parenting thing up as much as he constantly thinks he is.

He’s not Brennan. He’s never going to be Brennan. But damn if he doesn’t still think he’s going to find other ways to screw his kids up.

Killian goes back to cutting up strawberries and Emma and Jace talk, and before he knows it, she’s walking over to him. He twists his head in anticipation, and Emma brushes her lips over the corner of his mouth before managing to plant a firmer kiss.

“Hi.”

“Hi. How was your day?”

She rolls her eyes. “I’ll tell you about it later. What are we having for dinner?”

“The Italian chicken and some salad. I can pop some bread in the oven if you want me to.”

“I really need the carbs.”

“Then bread it is.”

“Thank you,” she sighs before adjusting Jace on her hip and then setting him back down on the barstool. “Look at this beautiful drawing. You know, I found a blue marker in my purse today. I think it might belong to you.”

Emma Jones, always saving the day.

They eat dinner, exchanging their normal small pleasantries, talking about their days without really talking about them. It’s not unusual for Emma to still take awhile to figure out how she wants to phrase things and open up about them, but it’s been awhile since it’s been like this, especially because he knows she didn’t have a good day.

Maybe she doesn’t want them to have to talk in front of Jace.

So they don’t.

They eat and do the dishes and then settle down in front of the television. Jace will only watch the Trolls movie at the moment. It doesn’t matter what iteration, as long as it’s got brightly colored singing creatures in it, and Killian tries to pay attention. He really does. But he’s distracted by a group text with the team as they discuss dinner plans for tomorrow on their day off. He’s still included in the group, even when most of it doesn’t pertain to him anymore, and he gets caught up trying to convince them to all go for pizza since Jace mentioned it earlier and it sounds damn good. He doesn’t need to be eating that, but for all that he still works out, he might deserve it.

Emma will definitely want it.

Or maybe not. He’s not sure when food is going to repulse her or not.

“Hey, sweetheart, do you – ”

Killian looks up from his phone, and he sees that Emma’s slumped down into the couch cushions, her chest rising and falling, and she and Jace are asleep.

She’s going to kill her neck if she falls asleep like that.

“Love,” he whispers, nudging her until her eyes blink open. “Hey, let me have Jace, and I’ll put him to bed. You can go upstairs, yeah?”

She nods and helps get Jace off of her until he’s in Killian’s arms and Emma is sleepily walking upstairs. He follows, turning for Jace’s room while Emma heads to theirs, and even though it only takes him five minutes to get Jace down, Emma is already in bed when he makes it to their bedroom.

Silently, he crawls onto the mattress, raising the comforter and settling underneath it as he inches closer to Emma until her back is pressed into his chest and her feet are tucked between his calves. She’s got socks on, thankfully, so it’s not like there’s ice against is skin for once. Emma sighs back into him, reaching back and grabbing his arm to wrap it around the slight roundness of her stomach. It’s a feeling he’s not quite used to yet, but it’s something he’s searched for since the moment Emma’s test came back positive.

This time he feels much more prepared, like he knows far more than any book or class can teach him, but it doesn’t stop the ache in the pit of his stomach the contradicts the warmness of his heart.

Killian sighs and presses his lips to the side of Emma’s neck while his fingers trace against her stomach, his hand moving until he can maneuver himself under her shirt and feel the heat of her skin.

Emma places her hand over his, squeezing, and for awhile, he waits for her to speak, for her to set the pace and unfurl what’s on her mind.

As her breathing evens, he’s not sure that time will ever come.

“I am so tired,” she finally whispers. “I am tired down to my bones and keep waiting for that fucking second trimester energy to start, but it hasn’t. So I’m tired but I get up anyway because I have things to do here and a job, which I swear is sucking my soul out of me.”

“What happened, love?”

“Did you watch the game?”

“Bits and pieces, but I heard enough.”

She scoots back, more firmly pressing herself into him, and her hair tickles his nose, the scent of her shampoo surrounding him.

“Was I wrong to want to do this? Should I have stayed where I was? I had so much more control there. Yeah, I was basically just the pretty face they used for men to stare at, but I had a say in what I said and who I worked with. When people hated me, I didn’t have to hear about it because I wasn’t sitting in the booth next to them. How long am I just going to be the woman who doesn’t belong? The woman who is only there because of who her husband is? And I just know it’s going to go over fantastic when I finally tell everyone I’m pregnant. I have a feeling I’m not going to be able to hide it from anyone but Jace soon.”

Killian swallows and strokes her stomach as he kisses her neck again. He doesn’t know how to make this better. He never has.

“You got that job without me. You know that, right? You already had your foot in the door.”

“Killian, I know, but no one has ever seen me that way. I might as well be a star on the Real Housewives of New York.”

“That would technically be me in this situation.”

Emma laughs, and God, that’s a good sound to hear. “Ah, yes, I hear quite a lot about you being the one who is at home with our kid. It’s almost like you’re a dad.”

“Shocker, isn’t it? A dad spending time with his kid? Raising him? Being there?”

“It’s revolutionary,” she chuckles, turning and twisting around until she’s facing him and her nose is brushing against his. “I know I got the job on my own. I know I’m smart and capable and a damn badass, even if saying that makes me a little less of one. But sometimes I just wish that things were a little easier, that I worked with people I liked again. Babe, I think I would do horrible things to have you in that booth with me.”

“Hmm?”

“I mean, would it be so crazy?” She runs her hands up his side until she’s caressing one side of his face, nails curling back into his hair. “We’ve talked about it before. You expressed interest in it. And come on, I know you love staying home with Jace, but you can’t tell me you’re not itching to be doing something else.”

“Well, Ariel did call and ask if we’d go on several talk shows today.”

Her brows pinch together. “Why?”

“Apparently there was some list about attractive baseball players – ”

“Did that stroke your ego?”

“Eh, maybe a little,” he teases, kissing her nose. “But it’s something about the two of us now being in the spotlight again and a few people had reached out to her. I said I’d ask you, but I figured the answer would be no. Then today happened, and I knew it would.”

“Yeah, I’m not doing anything extra. You can go if you want.”

“I might like it, depending on what they ask and who the other guests are. Maybe I can go on one of the shows and see if they’re doing a cooking segment that day.”

“Oh, can you bring me back food?”

“Yeah, Swan, I can.” Her eyes flutter closed and Killian leans back a bit. “I will think about it, okay?”

“About what?”

“Seeing if the network would have any interest in me working with you. Not this year, I think. I want to be home with Jace and whoever this new little one is as much as I can. And Ariel has me doing events and still working with charities, and most weeks, I’m busy enough. I mean, today I was bored out of my mind, but I think working with you would be bloody wonderful. That way we’d be on a similar schedule and still have time for our family. And I guess it could keep me connected to the game, since I still haven’t quite figured out how I wanted to do that.”

“Whatever makes you happy,” Emma promises opening her eyes. “Don’t do it for me, yeah?”

“Emma – ”

“No, I’m serious, don’t do it for me. I only want it to be something you want. Killian, if you want to spend the rest of your life knitting with a group of old women, you can do that. Your career has allowed us that, but if you want to stay in this world of baseball, we can find a way for that.”

Killian blinks, swallowing the lump in his throat as his hand brushes over Emma’s hip, holding her close to him. “Are you happy, sweetheart?”

“Yeah,” she whispers, “I am. I’m also still exhausted. I think I’ll have to conquer sexism in sports tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow is your day off.”

“Then the next day then.” She pats his cheek and dips her head down to lightly brush her mouth of his, a feeling as familiar as anything else in the world. “I love you, Jones. Thank you.”

“What for?”

“For being there for me, no matter what. I have a lot of people who are like that for me now, but I haven’t always. I mean, you know. You get it.”

“Aye, I do.” Killian hugs her closer and feels her stomach press against his. It won’t be so small soon and so much will change, but for right here and right now, that’s a worry for another day. “Thank you for being that person for me, Emma. Are you ready to go to sleep? Or would you be up for some brownies I made earlier?”

“I would be up for you bringing me some brownies in bed.”

“You’re going to get crumbs on the sheets.”

“It’ll be worth it.” She kisses him again, this time slower, softer. “I’ll do the laundry.”

Killian lets out a low whistle. “You really know how to convince a man.”

-/-

-/-

@mrtinski @bluewildcatfanatic @killianswannn @sherifemma @onepunintendid @authorarsinoe @stunningswan @eala-captian @galaxyzxstark @galadriel26 @xellewoods @mariakov81 @ultraluckycatnd @royalswan @shey-starsfury @superchocovian @sals86 @iam2307 @karenfrommisthaven @scientificapricot @ultimiflos @jamif @idristardis @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @tiganasummertree @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @notoriouscs @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @cs-forlife @andiirivera @jonirobinson64 @qualitycoffeethings @carpedzem @tornadoamy @captainkillianswanjones

[mindingmyownbusiness]

Rescue (4/?)

Pairing - Bucky x Reader Soulmate AU Summary - You’ve always believed your soulmate was out there somewhere, Bucky not so much. What happens when he finally takes a leap of faith and reaches out to you? Warnings - some canon-typical violence in later chapters, the occasional curse word, but I promise to make up for it with loads of fluffiness Chapter Word Count - 1757 Notes - I’m hoping to post new chapters about once a week on Saturday nights so wish me luck (and any encouragement you can offer is always welcome!). Inspired by Rescue by Lauren Daigle and by a lot of the concepts in Sense8.

Series Masterlist - Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

His POV

Bucky Barnes had been through a lot in his life but nothing from his past seemed quite as terrifying as the silence he was experiencing at the current moment. It was as if a switch had been flipped, nothing but radio silence. A thousand thoughts were screaming at him as he paced back and forth in his room, his heart rate and panic skyrocketing. Is she okay? Is she hurt? What if someone attacked her, hurt her? Bucky didn’t know what was happening with his newly discovered soulmate and it was completely debilitating. He felt useless, helpless… he didn’t even know her name, where she was, had no way of knowing if she was hurt or worse… “This was a horrible idea, I don’t know why I ever listened to Sam in the first place.” Resisting the urge to punch the wall he slumped to the floor, head in his hands.

Your POV

What the hell just happened…? You grimaced as you moved to sit up, gingerly touching the throbbing lump on the back of your head that unfortunately was becoming more painful by the second. Leaning back carefully against the wall you closed your eyes and took some slow, deep breaths, trying to get the room to stop spinning so you could figure out why you just woke up on the floor surrounded by cocoa splatters and the broken remnants of your favorite mug. I remember taking the brownies out, fixing my drink, looking out the window and talking to my soulmate like I always do, and then… It was like time stopped as your eyes flew open and you remembered hearing words that clearly weren’t yours. Did he…? Was that really…? N-no way… could it be? Or did I finally completely lose it and project my desires so hard I passed out…? You pressed trembling fingers to your lips as you silently prayed that it wasn’t all in your head and then you listened, reaching out with your whole being for that connection you’d dreamed of your whole life. Please be there, please be there… You held your breath, your heart feeling as if it would burst any moment. 

Later you’d swear that you felt him before you heard him, that pull, that connection deep within, giving you the tiniest moment to prepare before you finally heard his voice growing stronger and clearer with each word he spoke. 

“--rible idea, I don’t know why I ever listened to Sam in the first place.” You exhaled with a soft laugh, overcome with joy and emotion and literally blurted out before you could stop yourself--

“Who’s Sam?”

His POV

Bucky’s head snapped up. “You’re alive?!”

Your laugh was like music to his ears. “Sure feels like I am, got a bit of a bump on my head though… and my favorite mug is toast.” He could hear the twinge of sadness in your voice and immediately felt the strange need to fix it.

“That explains the sound that scared me half to death...”

“You shoulda been here to see me keel over, now that would’ve been something.” There you go giggling again, he was quickly becoming addicted to that sound.

As your laughter faded away the silence descended again. One beat, two beats, three-- “So…” you both started and then immediately chuckled in individually adorable, awkward ways.

“It’s really you? M-my um, soulmate?” He could hear the cautious hope in your tone.

“Yeah, looks like it is.” He hoped he didn’t sound as nervous as he felt. 

“This should feel weird, right? But somehow it doesn’t, and that should be weird, right? Sorry for rambling I-I just can’t believe it’s really you...”

“It’s alright, I just found out today that soulmates were a real thing so I’m still trying to decide whether or not I'm hallucinating all this.” 

“Same here, but mostly because I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life for this moment.” The longing in your voice was unmistakable.

“Oh,” he deflated a bit, suddenly worried that he’d ruined things before they’d even started. “I-I’m so sorry…”

“Oh no, don’t be sorry okay? We’ve found each other now a-and that’s all that matters.” He sighed in relief, the tone of your voice instantly putting him at ease. He was feeling more and more thankful for.. for..  He groaned, facepalming as he realized his mistake. Nice move idiot, he thought as he cursed himself internally.

“What’s wrong?” Your worried voice pulled him from his thoughts.

“I just realized I don’t even know your name,” he said apologetically.

“Oh, It’s um, it’s (Y/N).” Wow you really can hear when someone is smiling, he realized.

“(Y/N)... that’s a beautiful name. I’m James, but everyone calls me Bucky.”

“Bucky hmm? Can’t wait to hear the story behind that nickname.”

“Not much to tell, it’s just a play on my middle name.”

“Well, I still look forward to hearing all about it. So, soulmate James slash Bucky, how much do you know about what we are, about soulmates?”

“Not much actually, not sure what’s fact or fiction since my only sources are my roommate who doesn’t have a soulmate yet and the cesspool that is the internet.”

“Well consider me something of an expert, my parents were actually soulmates and they told me all about it. What questions do you have?”

He thought for a moment. “Is it true that we could see each other, if we wanted?”

He could hear you hum thoughtfully. “Yes, ‘if we wanted’ being the key bit there, consent is absolutely essential.”

“My roommate, that’s Sam by the way, said that since I was seeing and hearing you in my dreams that you must have been pretty open about connecting with me, is that true?”

“Dreaming about me already, huh?” He couldn’t help but smile at the affection in your voice. “Well Sam is right, I decided a long time ago that I wanted to be ready for my soulmate whenever my soulmate was ready for me. It seemed like a natural first step.” 

He pictured you in his mind’s eye, the girl literally of his dreams. You were probably dying to know what he looked like as well. Bucky suddenly worried about all the things that made him a very complicated soulmate. His past, his age, his current occupation, his arm… his thoughts quickly spiraling out of control.

“Bucky? A-are you okay? You’re awfully quiet...”

“Y-yeah I just… I’m not sure I’m ready to show you what I look like yet.” He knew his voice sounded strained but he couldn’t help it.

“It’s okay, if you’re worried that I won’t like the way you look or something you don’t have to, worry that is. The soulmate bond goes so much deeper than the physical, we are literally made for each other, it’s gonna be okay.”

“I just… I think I’m gonna need some time to process all this, to get comfortable with it. Is.. is that okay?” He hated sounding so vulnerable.

“Hey of course it’s okay Bucky, you’re not gonna hurt my feelings. I’ve waited my whole life to find you, just knowing you are really there is the most wonderful thing that’s happened to me in, well, ever! I love being able to finally talk to you and the rest, well the rest will happen when the time is right. I’m not going anywhere.”

Yet again everything about your voice eased his anxiety and he felt himself relax. “Thank you doll, that means a lot.” 

He heard your tiny sharp intake of breath, then your timid whisper, “Oh, I like that.”

He was momentarily confused until he realized what he said. “Like what? Being called ‘doll’?”

“Yeahhhhh..” You sounded a bit flustered, something that interestingly enough gave him a small sense of pride.

“Are you--- are you blushing right now?” He knew he was being cheeky but gosh he was loving it.

“Mayyyyybe?” You were definitely flustered and Bucky was hooked.

“Now that I look forward to seeing.” He was legitimately grinning at this point. 

You gasped, “Who knew my soulmate would be such a charmer? Bet that works on all the girls where you’re from.”

“Nah, not any other girls, not for a long time anyway.” The sound of Bucky’s phone alerting him to a text pulled his attention away. “Shoot I gotta go… I’m late to meet up with Sam. Um, so how exactly do I contact you again?”

“Well, if everything works the way it’s supposed to, all you have to do is listen for my voice. This sounds nuts but I actually talk to you all the time, like an embarrassing amount, about the most mundane things. You just don’t hear it all the time because you aren’t tuned into me.”

“So I just need to ‘tune out’ when we are done and then ‘tune in’ when I wanna talk to you? That seems too easy.” He couldn’t help but sound skeptical, but then again he’d learned a lot of impossible things in his long lifetime.

“Yep, and it’ll probably get easier as time goes on honestly.” You paused before continuing, your voice thick with emotion. “I-I'm so glad we finally met, Bucky.”

“I am too (Y/N), I really am.”  He wished he could be there to wipe the tears he knew were falling down your face. “It’s not goodbye, never goodbye, okay? We’ll be talking again before you know it.” 

“I know,” you were audibly sniffling at this point. “It’s mostly happy tears, I swear. Just.. j-just promise me that you won’t disappear on me? That you’ll be back?”

Now it was Bucky’s turn to fight back tears. “I promise, we’ll talk again, real soon.”

“I’m gonna hold you to that mister.” He could hear your happy leaking through your words.

“That’s my girl.” He smiled, picturing your face. “Later, Doll.”

“Talk to you soon, Bucky.” 

And just like that he felt the connection end, but not sever though. There was still this feeling, a pull that didn’t go away when their conversation ended. He put his hand over his heart, closing his eyes and taking a moment to embrace the feeling, knowing somehow that somewhere out there you were doing the same thing. 

Another incoming text from Sam had him scrambling for the door. He was definitely in for a Captain America sized lecture for his lateness and undoubtedly a giant Sam sized ‘I TOLD YOU SO’ when he explained exactly what or rather who had made him so late.

Part 5

[shannygoatgruff]

Talk to Me

Stay Safe, Stay Home Writing Challenge: (Prompt #16 – Call me if you need anything)

Genre:  Romance

Pairing:  Modern Ivar x OC

Fandom: Vikings

Warning: Language/mild angst

Rating: M

Summary: Can an online relationship work in the real world?  Ivar and Cash are about to find out.

A/N:  So this is my first challenge.  What was supposed to be a one-shot has turned into a mini-series.  I’m having so much fun writing it.  I haven't written in about 10 years - my muses all went away when Dave Batista left WWE. Then one day, Alex Høgh Andersen showed up and all of my muses came back!  I’m so happy!

Please, note if you notice grammatical errors in the dialogues between characters, it’s because I write how people speak.  Any other errors may just be because I was careless...

Also, I’m writing the Lothbroks as Europeans speaking English. In my head, when they are together they are speaking Norweigan but when they speak English, it’s with their Vikings’ show accents.    

Chapter 2

Chapter 1

What the fuck am I doing?  No seriously, what the fuck was she doing?  

Cash didn’t do things like this.  Ever.  She had literally seen every episode of MTV’s Catfish and 90 Day Fiance (the original show, Abroad, and After the 90 Days). She was responsible, respectable, intelligent, reasonably attractive and she had just landed a job where she actually got to use her degree. This side of 25 was looking up for her. She wasn’t desperate, was she?  

She was going to feel so stupid when everyone rubbed it in her face that this “Ivar” guy didn’t really exist, or turned out to be something totally other than what he claimed. Although she had only told a handful of people about her trip, they had all filled her head with so much more angst that she almost canceled the trip four times in the last month.  Her mom was convinced that Cash was going to be kidnapped and sold into an Eastern European sex trafficking ring.  While her best friend just knew that Ivar was going to turn out to be a sadistic 65-year-old ex-KGB operative who hated Americans and only wanted to torture her like in that movie Hostel.  Even her younger brother tried to email Nev & Max to see if MTV could do an episode of Catfish Abroad and put her on blast for all of his friends to see.

Cash let out a nervous breath as she looked around the Austrian Airlines terminal. Her flight to Vienna was due to start boarding in a little more than an hour and there were still a lot of empty seats. 

She fidgeted in her chair trying to fish her phone out of her jacket pocket.  What she needed was mood music – Billie Eilish, although played in heavy rotation lately, wasn’t cutting it.  She needed mood music - something angrier... more upbeat.  Remi Ma or Joyner Lucas?  Why not both? She made a quick playlist, put it on shuffle, and bobbed her head to the music.   

No sooner did she feel herself getting lost in the beat, did the music stop and the phone ring.  With a slight eye roll, Cash answered the phone pleasantly, “Hey Ma.”

“Hey, honey. How you doing?”  Barbara Heath spoke to her daughter in a voice reserved for someone that might have just suffered a loss or been seriously injured, “You okay?”

“Yeah, Ma.  I’m fine.”

“You know, it’s not too late to come home, Shay.”  Cash cringed at her mother’s nickname for her.  All of her life, she had tried to get people to call her Cash, but her parents were still hell-bent on calling her Shay.  “No one would blame you.  I didn’t tell anyone you were going on your little excursion except your Aunt Margaret and Gigi.  You know they don’t think this is a good idea, either.  And you know your Daddy is still upset that you decided to go.”

“Ma, don’t.”  She slouched in her seat and looked up at the airport ceiling. “When I finished grad school, I told you guys I wanted to travel more. Everyone was fine with it then.  Now all of a sudden everyone is against me going…”

“We’re aren’t!” Barbara walked across the kitchen with her glass of wine and took a seat at the kitchen counter.  She didn’t want to start another fight with her daughter, but she needed to Cash to understand how dangerous this could be. “I just don’t understand about this going across the world to meet some boy. There are plenty of those here.”

Oh my, God.  “For the last time, I’m going to Vienna because I haven’t been back to Austria since undergrad.  While I’m there I’m going to meet up with one of my friends, Ma.”  

“Yeah, a friend you met on the internet.”

“Really?  I’m about to get on a plane and I won’t see you for weeks, and you want to do this now?  How about saying ‘Have a nice trip’ or ‘I’m proud of you for being so adventurous’ or something like that?” She tried not to raise her voice, but she could tell her frustration at her mother mixed with her own nerves about the situation was coming through on the phone.

Barbara sighed in defeat. “You got that stubbornness from your Daddy.”  She was relieved when she heard her daughter chuckle.  “You know, I’m proud of you.  And I want you to have so much fun!  This is going to be the best trip of your life. I just want you to be careful and know that I will worry about you. Let me know when you land, and when you get to your hotel, and when you meet this Ivar-boy.”  She was going to make a point to stop babying her as soon as she came back from Europe. “Just know that I love you.  Call me if you need anything.  Me and your Daddy will be on the first flight to come get you and bring you…”

“I love you, too Mommy. I’ll call you when I land.”  

When Cash hit the button to end the call, she noticed a WhatsApp notification on her phone.  She hadn’t even heard the phone chime.  She felt the smile slide across her face as she opened the app. 

Ivar was the only person who ever contacted her on WhatsApp.

_______________________________________________________________

“Ahh, Ivar, you will be fine.”  Ivar cut his blue eyes over to his brother driving the car.  “You will have fun.  You’ll see.”

He folded his arms over his chest, like a child, and returned his gaze out of the passenger’s window. “I am not a child, Bubbe. I do not a chaperone.”  He really hated being the youngest. His brothers always acted like he was completely incapable of doing anything on his own.  

“I know, brother.” Ubbe let out a soft chuckle and connected eyes with Hvitserk in the backseat through the rearview mirror, “Serk is not coming to chaperone. He is coming with you, to help you.”

“I do not need help, either.”  Ivar was sick of this fight.  He had been having it with his brothers for about a month now.  He was perfectly capable of traveling by himself, without Hvitserk’s assistance. “And why Serk?  He is the least responsible of us all.”

Hvitserk nodded in agreement from the backseat and smiled good-naturedly. He really didn’t give a shit what Ivar wanted to do.  All he knew was Bjorn was footing the bill for his trip to Austria with Ivar and he wasn’t about to turn down a free vacation. Women, liquor, food, and a hotel suite...all he had to do was carry Ivar’s bags and help him through the airport? It sounded like a sweet deal to him.

Ubbe shook his brother’s shoulder, “C’mon, Ivy.  I would come with you if I could. I have to work.”  He peeked over at his brother’s face, noting his anger looked something more akin to nerves.  “Besides, Serk will give you much more freedom than I would.  Who knows, you might really like this girl when you meet her.”

“It is not like that.” Ivar said quietly, looking out of the window.  He wanted to talk to Ubbe about Cash for some time now, but Ubbe was always so busy with work. Besides, he and Torvi had just had a baby. He clearly had more important things to think about than his little brother and his lack of experience with women. But, Ubbe was the kindest and most level headed person he knew. What he wouldn’t give for some of his big brother’s advice right now. “We are just friends.”  Even if that’s not what he wanted, he was sure that’s all they would end up being.

“But there may come a time when you are not just friends.”  Ubbe tried to hide his smirk as he noticed the blush start to creep up Ivar’s neck and settle on his earlobes.  “What will you do then, hmm?”

“He will fuck her!” Hvitserk clapped Ivar on the shoulders and laughed.  

How far ways was this damn airport?  If Ivar didn’t get out of this car soon, he was going to grab the steering wheel and drive them off of a cliff.  “Please don’t leave me with him.”  He never asked his brothers for anything, but he made this plea to Ubbe with such sincerity. “I am going to kill him.”  

After Ubbe pulled the car into the parking space, he killed the engine and asked Hvitserk to get the bags while he talked to Ivar for a moment.  “So…you have told her?”  He waited for Ivar to turn around and look at him before he lowered his eyes to Ivar’s legs.  He sighed in disappointment when Ivar refused to meet his eyes.  “Ivar.”

“I never thought we would actually meet.” It was never really his intention to lie, but it really wasn’t a conversation he was sure how to start. Did he start by saying, ‘Hi I’m Ivar. I’m a Taurus and I’m physically challenged?’  “Then I started to like her and could not tell her.  I did not want to stop talking to her.  So, I came off like Bjorn.”

“Like an ass?”

Ivar shrugged.  “A little. She is American.  She likes that confident, arrogant type.”  Shaking his head at the mess he had gotten himself into, he threw his hands up in frustration.  “Ahh, it does not matter now.  We will meet and have fun as friends and that will be all.”

“But that is not all. You like this girl and it sounds like she likes you.  You need to tell her before you see her.”  Gripping his little brother by the back of the neck, Ubbe pulled gave him a brotherly hug.  “You have nothing to be embarrassed about Ivar Ragarsson.  Any woman would be proud to have you.”  Kissing him on the top of his head, he grumbled when Ivar pushed him away and got out of the car.

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[gastrobrack]

Brave New World 2020 review from probably the biggest fan of the book you’ll meet in your life

(Mostly Spoiler Free) Okay so. I’ve been waiting for this show for a really long time because I absolutely love the book and it means a lot to me. My standards were admittedly pretty low because it can’t get worse than the 1998 movie, so I didn’t really mind when I saw the trailers and stuff where other people were complaining. 

TL;DR I thought the show was actually pretty enjoyable, but you have to read the book first in my opinion, or else it seems like it would be hard to follow at times. Where the show really screwed up royally was Mond’s storyline, which felt completely out of place and confusing, and when it ended up dominating the end of the final episode it just kinda ruined the story for me. The show is definitely more focused on the setting and characters than the societal predictions and themes of the novel, and for me that’s okay because we have the book to tell it better anyways.  I’d say watch it if you liked the book or are curious about it, but I don’t think it would really be enjoyable for the average viewer.

Side note: I watched this in the wee hours of the morning and some of the praise might just be the special interest talking, I’m just happy to be here and get more content

That being said, I think this show is like the Riverdale of Brave New World. However, in its defense it’s at least got the energy of the parts of Riverdale like the “epic highs and lows of high school football” and the “serial killer gene”, so it’s at least pretty funny. Personally, I knew that they would have to change a lot both to adjust for the longer runtime (around 9 hours) and to make the book enjoyable to a TV audience, because of course in the book you can have 2 chapters of exposition at the beginning and that’s not as enjoyable for a TV experience. So, let’s get into the pros and cons of the show!

PROS

-I really liked Bernard! In the book he means a lot to me personally (hell, I’m writing this while listening to my Bernard playlist) so I was of course kinda worried they might screw him up again like they did in the ‘98 movie, but I was pleasantly surprised! They did change him and divide his original personality between John and Lenina, but somehow they managed to create a new Bernard that both kept me on my toes and at the same time felt authentic and likeable! 

-Honestly, almost all the characters were done very well. They were all expanded upon in an interesting way while also staying generally pretty accurate to their book counterparts. I generally felt the same about them as I did with the novel, so I think that means they did a job well done. I think that John and Lenina were very different, but they still ultimately had the same general motivations. A lot of the cast’s interactions felt very natural, and I liked that they expanded upon Lenina and Fanny’s (or Frannie as she’s called here) friendship. 

-The show looked great, I know a lot of people really didn’t like the look of it because it wasn’t what they thought it would be when they read it, but for me that’s basically exactly what I imagined it would be. The costume designer clearly had fun making a bunch of outlandish outfits for everyone to wear and it’s all very pleasant to look at. 

-I think they did a good job fixing some of the problematic elements of the book without actually damaging the integrity of the things they were changing. For example, in the book, the savage reservation is quite literally just a native reservation, written in a way that clearly suggests Huxley didn’t really put a lot of thought into his depiction of real people. In the show, it’s a theme park where British people get to immerse themselves in the cultures of the old world, with the savages themselves being poor theme park workers reenacting events to shock and mystify the Brits. Now, admittedly, I think this makes a lot more sense as it ties into the consumerism that runs deep within their society. I know some people are mad about this because they think it’s cancel culture or something but honestly it’s not a big deal to me.

-This one might not be as important to some people, but I liked that the cast was pretty diverse, and the fact that John is the only straight one honestly made sense to me considering it would be in the World State’s best interest to encourage bisexuality amongst its citizens. Some of the characters (Helmholtz and Mond) are being played by women, and some people are kinda upset about that but I don’t really think it changed too much, although to me it is funny to think the showrunner thought he was doing something by “casting women of color to play white male characters” considering everyone I know who read the book didn’t picture either of them as white. 

-Honestly, I think the show did humor very well. It was very funny in a sort of dry way, and never felt forced or out of place. It all seemed like it naturally stemmed from the characters’ awkwardness and culture shock (on both sides) and it made me really happy as someone who loves all these characters to see them make me laugh.

CONS

-Now, I’m not usually one to complain about this too much, seeing as I love the book in a non thematic and academic context, but the message kinda got lost in all of it. I think the issues they brought up certainly were there, and could lend themselves very well to being good. The writers just focused on the entirely wrong things in the last episode, and that misguided focus completely changes the lens in which the rest of the show is retroactively viewed for me. 

-Mustapha Mond was just, where do I even begin. In the book, Mond doesn’t show up much except to provide exposition, and his position as an authoritative figure ultimately moves the plot towards the end of the novel. In the show, Mond gets this weird AI plotline that makes no sense, as in this version they have a sort of internet contact lens type system that allows them to connect to everyone else, and it is powered by said AI. The system itself doesn’t bother me as much as how poorly handled this plotline was. Not only was it completely random and was the only plotline in the show not to have some sort of roots in the events of the book, but it was extremely confusing to me. This leads into my next point, which is:

-The ending. Oh my God the ending. Now, look. I’m not gonna say much because I want this to be as spoiler free as possible, but the ending just honestly was a dumpster fire. The writers chose to focus the whole ending on the aforementioned AI plotline, despite the book providing a much more solid framework for an ending that they already seemed to be setting up. This shift in focus comes very late into the final episode, and it honestly doesn’t make any sense why the writers would really want to go this route. It feels like they were just adding things that didn’t fit into the story, and I can’t really discern why except for the possibility of setting up an unnecessary second season. I love the book, it’s my special interest, but I think I speak for everyone when I say we do not need a second season especially if its gonna be full of plotlines that make no sense and serve no purpose.  This heavily changed ending not only undermines the whole thematic purpose of the novel but honestly kind of goes actively against everything the book was trying to say in the first place. 

-They really don’t set up any of the world building, and although I caught on very quickly due to my familiarity with the book, it seems like it might get confusing for unfamiliar watchers. In the book, they explain their process for birthing and then conditioning children into their social body very in depth before they get into the actual plot and characters, and I think this show could have used some of that. Here, they talk a lot about conditioning but don’t actually explain what the conditioning is or why they have the caste system in the first place. 

-This is a minor disappointment more than anything and I didn’t actually notice till about the second episode, but there’s no more Ford talk, which is kinda disappointing cause it was pretty fun in the book. 

-Obviously it goes without saying that there’s sex in this, I mean it IS Brave New World. However, in this one, it just feels excessive and kinda just like it’s there for shock value more than anything. 

-This isn’t really a con so much as it is just a disclaimer, I know a lot of people are excited for Demi Moore as Linda and Joseph Morgan as the new character CJack60, but don’t get your hopes up too much, they don’t get to do much. If you read the book, you’d know that about Linda but I’ve seen reviewers get upset that she wasn’t in it more when she was one of the big names attached to the project. (FWIW she did a great job and I loved Linda in this whereas I didn’t in the book) As for CJack, he spends a lot of time just standing there and looking at things and doesn’t get to do much until the last 2 episodes or so. 

CONCLUSION

As someone who really loves the book’s setting and characters sometimes even more than the actual messages and predictions, I’ve always wanted an adaptation that focuses more on those elements, especially since that would make for an easier transition to the screen. Seeing this was a very nice breath of fresh air, because it embraces the inherently satirical and dare I say funny aspect of the story, as well as the characters’ individual quirks and distinct personalities. Obviously it’s not as hard hitting and important as the book, but I think those messages were better left in book form anyway. For someone like me, who loves the book with all my heart, this show honestly gave me most everything I wanted and it felt the most true to the spirit of the book’s world and characters out of any of the adaptations. I would say check out the show if you’re interested in it or enjoyed the book, but you should definitely be familiar with the book before you watch this.