#okay but i generally like the vibes of art deco

[capesch-arts]

"Carcosa is not only your city. It's also your canvas"

[marzipanandminutiae]

Maybe I’m wildly misunderstanding what people who like the dark academia aesthetic are going for but I always thought the aesthetic was specifically about romanticizing those universities in England (or Europe in general) that were founded in like 1736 and the main building was originally a castle that belonged to the family that founded it or something like that. Obviously that’s a very niche university environment but I never thought that fans of the aesthetic thought that every single university looks like that. My university was built in the 70s and looks like a small town’s airport so I understand the appeal of escapism in pretending that you go to university in a marble building that has a secret library or something. I’m not criticizing your post btw I agree with you i guess I understood the purpose of the aesthetic wrong. I thought they just liked the old money aesthetic of those schools, not that they believed you’re not truly academic if your school doesn’t look like an ancient university in Prague.

So, yes, that is where the term came from

my issue with it is that they don't seem to know any other term for aesthetics they happen to have seen in a fancy university, anymore and totally unrelated things get slapped with the "dark academia" label

Oxford doesn't look like that because that's an ~academia aesthetic~. it looks like that because those were popular architectural styles of whenever X building was constructed. you are going to see those styles in other places! that doesn't make like...an 18th century commercial building "dark academia!"

like I've seen the term applied in completely random and incomprehensible ways. a marble bust is Dark Academia? HOW? is it in a university? or is it in an art museum where people are there to look at it, not to study it? is it in Mr. Darcy's house, where that classification makes even less sense? why is it somehow Academia when no Academia is in evidence?

an Art Deco theatre lobby. no joke. saw that tagged "dark academia." it could not have been more clearly a theatre lobby. I asked OP why they called it that, and they said it was just "the vibe." academia is not a vibe!!!! the word has a definition and the definition has nothing to do with aesthetics!!!!

my favorite movie, Crimson Peak, gets slapped with the DA label a lot. because...I don't know; there are ghosts and books in the same building? the heroine is a writer, sure, but absolutely none of it takes place in an institution of public scholarship or higher learning. there's a publisher's office, a doctor's office, and a private library in a house (that doesn't even get used for its intended purpose beyond a single scene). that's it. it's a pretty standard Victwardian Gothic.

the term DOES have function as a fictional genre; it describes a story pretty well. what happens? Dark Stuff. where? Academia. okay, I'm intrigued. but for aesthetics? no meaning or use at all, IMO

so I know they're not saying that ALL universities look like that. they're somehow saying that EVERYTHING that looks like that is University. which annoys me

(I also think "old money aesthetic" is more TikTok brainrot. I work a lot of museum benefits with old money people. they dress in many different ways, very few of them like a Kennedy vacationing on the Cape in 1965. just say "preppy" if that's what you mean!)

(and as with Dark Academia, it leads to a lot of things that have nothing whatsoever to do with the oldness of one's money getting labeled that way. which is annoying.)

[javaelemental]

Re: Batman: Caped Crusader

I just finished Amazon Prime's ten-episode run of the new Batman cartoon, Batman: Caped Crusader, and I have thoughts.

They did some super cool stuff with the villains they used this season. (It was good. I'm assuming there'll be more seasons.)

The show offers some commentary on class warfare, police and government corruption, the nature of crime and criminals, and the nature of Batman.

So let's talk about the villains, and let's start with Firebug because holy shit, he had one of the most horrifying scenes I've seen in a cartoon in recent memory. Firebug's an arsonist, and there's this amazing and absolutely bone chilling scene that shows how he sees the world: Everything is aflame and everyone is on fire and he's happy, and it's happy, and it's appalling. I loved it. More plz.

Harvey Dent - God, I loved how they handled him. So, he's generally presented as a multiple personality to some degree or another, and they did that here, too. But usually Harvey's evil side is his ugly side, and his good side is his pretty side. This show reversed that. They made it very clear through camera positioning and angles that it was Harvey's "pretty" half talking all the evil shit.

I liked how all the villains had a motivation. Except Penguin, whose main thing seemed to be, "Look, she's a girl now! That's different, right?" Other than that, it was pretty much the same character doing the same things.

Harley was fun, and I really appreciated how her motivation was "OMG, I am so. sick. of all these rich, narcissistic-ass bastards who will not learn better," and not domestic abuse at the hands of a psychopath. Her origin and motivations are completely divorced from the Joker, and I love that.

Gentleman Ghost. I was all, "Wow, they're just diving head first into supernatural shit, eh?" Also, he was a bad guy who was mad about The Poors getting uppity. Who then got his ass beat by the richest guy in Gotham.

Bullock and Flass. Oh, man, I cannot wait for Bullock's face-turn when Flass finally pushes him one step too far.

The dynamic between Alfred and Batman. I was not loving it at all, but then Dent called Bruce out on it, and the Gentleman Ghost episode, and the ending... and now I'm like, okay, we're watching a healing journey for Bats, here. And the way he was treating Alfred was a symptom. Okay. I'll allow it for now.

Still can't see any version of Alfred not sassing Batman all the way into the ground, though. Alfred's being way too nice.

Christina Ricci played Catwoman. Yeah, that Christina Ricci. They got a bunch of great voice talent for this show.

Really liked the 40s vibe and tech.

Loved the art. You can tell Bruce Timm had something to do with the cartoon. Solid gothic art deco aesthetic. I was also vastly amused with how 75% of the characters on the show were built like a refrigerator.

The Nocturna episode where Bruce Wayne gets his ass beat by the carnies because they mistook him for a child predator. LOOOOL

The Nocturna episode where Batman gets gumped by a skinny little preteen (with super powers, but still) and another child has to swoop in and save him, almost certainly staged that way because nobody wants to watch Batman beat up a twelve-year-old girl.

It was good stuff, folks. Go watch it.

[kyberz]

Okay finally got these done, took way longer than I expected to be honest.

But here’s the first one!!

(All drawings based off always_be_your_teacher fics on ao3) check her work out :3

☆彡 “ 𝐃𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 “ ミ★

First, I wanna talk about this fanfic in general. I actually haven’t came across Terry/John fics of their older selfs so it was so cute to read this !! I love how John only realises that Terry has feelings for him as he himself has for Terry.

Plus, this entire scene was just adorable! It was so cute how Terry started singing I was kicking my feet reading this.

I don’t want to go into too much detail for spoiler reasons but my honest opinion is that this is by far my top 5 fav Terry/John fics :))

Songs that reminded me of this:

And

༄

Secondly

☁︎︎ “ 𝐇𝐞𝐥𝐩 𝐦𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐤𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 “ ☁︎︎

(Part 1 of A helping hand)

Cobra boyfriends, cobra boyfriends, cobra boyfriends!!

I love love loved these so much omg it has to be my favourite series to them <33 !!

The way John was willing to risk himself for Terry and how he just gave him his blanket🙁 ARGHH I love them so much like genuinely this was so so fun to read!!

Song that this reminded me of:

༄

Thirdly, and lastly (for now)

🜸 “ 𝐒𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐢 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 “ 🜸

(Part 1)

I hate sid sm 😕.. Anywayyy… I loved this so so much!! Especially this scene. I just found it amusing how they all got high together! Lol but it was so cute how John gave off those father figure vibes for Johnny. And Terry is just like the fun uncle type xd.

Songs that this reminded me of:

And

This is all for now but I will probably make more fanart for the fanfics because I just adore them all so much, they’re all so creative and fun to read istg 🫶🏻

☆

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

Are you still doing reverse unpopular opinions? How about: Ram (the album as a whole), Seaside Woman, Friend Of Dorothy, Magical Mystery Tour (the movie)?

But, wait! There's more: Yoko Ono's musical career, Skywriting By Word Of Mouth, In The Family Way, Back To The Egg.

Okay, but I won't make these super long each.

Ram: love the album cover, really good flow, 3 Legs is underrated, incredibly fun album that's super fun to listen to in stereo. I really like Linda's vocals on it tbh.

Seaside Woman: cute! it's been stuck in my head a few times, actually. The melody really matches Linda's vocal style. She slays in the music video. It's fun to hear how much Paul is also having fun on the song. I like the little beeping at the beginning. Also, not what you ask but everyone should go listen to Linda's cover of Mister Sandman

Friend Of Dorothy: I think I'd only listened to this once before (this is the version I listened to just now). the little chatter with Yoko right at the start is 🥹. but also. wtf must have been going through Yoko's mind he sounds really good tbh and I like the piano accompaniment! (John got so good at piano towards the end :( ) Also "art deco decadent" is a great line.

Magical Mystery Tour: I really think all the music video portions of this movie hold up and show real cinematographic creativity. The way Paul points at Ringo at the start of I Am The Walrus. Their outfits are on point. The audacity of John wearing the dumbest fake moustache imaginable in that ticket buying scene. The wizard scenes are unironically charming.

Yoko Ono's musical career: this is hard because I just don't know all that much of it. I have advocated for many of her Double Fantasy songs before, which I find inspired and match her singing style super well. I also don't know if this counts but I find what she did with Milk And Honey deeply compelling. Also Season Of Glass is a harrowing album, and I highly recommend it.

Skywriting By Word Of Mouth: I haven't read the whole thing yet, but what I have has been at least entertaining if not very interesting! A lot of bits of the passages I've read sometimes just drift into my brain. I really like that bit where he did basically predictive text, like linking up words where two successive ones are common phrases but the entire thing is incoherent. I find John's wordplay really fun, generally, and his perception of phonetics fascinates me (linguistics is like a minor interest of mine)

The Family Way: think I only listened to this like once before. It's nice and I enjoy it. I like the changes in vibe throughout the main theme, and I like the more "pop"-esque percussion. I don't know the movie at all, but I'm picking up on some type of push and pull, possibly between present and past, which is cool!

Back To The Egg: excellent album cover, again. It's got a fair share of bangers. Again And Again And Again is my favourite Denny-penned Wings song and possibly my fave off the album. Arrow Through Me is soooooooo harmonically strange it's very cool. After The Ball is so sweet :(

[waiting-on-a-dream]

Prisoner 010: Okura Mayumi - Trial 2

General info

Verdict: GUILTY

Physical changes: Mayumi's hair is often tied into a braid now, laid over her shoulder. Unlike the rest of the guilty prisoners, her face isn't pale and she hasn't developed any eyebags. Its likely that she hasn't been plagued by nightmares. Her longer restraints are the only aspect of her uniform that has changed.

Behavioral changes: She's become more reserved and quiet, mostly only talking to Haku as he practices playing the piano. She spends most of her time in her room nowadays, only leaving to ask other prisoners specific questions, as if interrogating them. She just wants to learn the truth about this time.

After talking for a while with Suzume, she now seems to harbor some ill feelings towards her. The air is tense whenever they're in a room together. They always seem to be one wrong move away from snapping at each other. The other prisoners have tried to ask about it, but they refuse to answer. They've been left to sort it out for now.

Trailer art: Mayumi faces you directly, preparing a syringe of medicine with a grim and determined expression. Behind her, two hospital doors with tiny bloody handprints on the frosted window, as if made by children. Blood pools from the gap beneath the doors.

Voicelines

– Second trial trailer

People like you...shouldn't have the right to live.

– Character voice trailer

Its okay. He can't hurt you anymore.

Cover info

Canon Milgram song cover: Purge march (The song ended up being more about Amane defending herself, but I think the guilty part still works for Mayumi.)

DECO*27 song cover: Poison apple (The lyrics and MV gave off her vibes, so I assigned this song to her. Simple as that.)

Non-DECO*27 vocaloid song cover: The world's filth (The lyrics are peak Mayumicore. The music? Not so much. BUT THE LYRICS!)

Music info

Song title: Ecosystem

Song preview: We have no use for you if you can't contribute anything. Everyone has a duty to society. What's your role? To die quietly. GUILTY. GUILTY. GUILTY.

At some point in our lives, we have to ask ourselves. "Am I the kind of person that stands by and does nothing?" So, what's the answer? Prayers do nothing for anyone. Act upon your greatest convictions!

MV description: Half of her MV is filled with slightly faded pastel colours like her first MV. Starting from the scene when she's in her room, most of the frames are dark and foreboding. The last scene is back to being pastel, but the colours are brighter.

The MV starts with a young Mayumi walking through what looks like a career fair. A baker hands out free samples to an an eager batch of children before directing their attention to the cookies baking a nearby oven. A man dressed as a firefighter helps a young boy to am a hose at the "fire" of a fake building. Mayumi looks around with interest, stopping in her tracks when something catches her eye. A group of girls watching intently as a nurse demonstrates bandaging a man's forearm. Intrigued, she heads over.

A montage of Mayumi sitting in class as her teacher points to a food web drawn on a board. A well-dressed man giving a presentation in a meeting. An architect drawing out the blue prints for a building. A taxi driver picking up a couple from the airport. Mayumi peers at a display of fossils from behind a case of glass. Her brother pops up beside her, dragging his plastic dinosaur toy across the glass. She quickly pulls him away.

The camera cuts to present Mayumi searching up information on her victim. His mugshot pops up, along with a list of his victims. She searches their names one by one. Mio. Nozomi. Kagome. Missing posters turn up for all of them.

The audio of a dialing ringtone mixes with the song. Mayumi raises her phone to her ear, presumably calling someone. An elderly woman answers, her face blurred out. Mayumi twirls a bottle of medicine in her hand as she talks. The woman starts to cry, screaming something into the phone. Mayumi waits for a moment before hanging up. The camera zooms out as she continues to sit by her computer desk in the dark room.

A group of girls gathered around another girl, crumpled to the ground while holding a hand to her bruised face. Men gambling at a casino. A drunkard stumbling out of a bar. A news reported talking about a murder that occurred last night, showing CCTV footage of someone getting stabbed outside an office building. Mayumi's victim on his bed. His heart beat slowing to a stop. The ECG flatlines.

The camera cuts to Mayumi sitting by the defendant's table in the courtroom. The judge is her as well, along with the jury. Everyone in the court room is her actually. Judge Mayumi asks the jury to declare their verdict. Jury Mayumi stands up to read from the slip of paper in her hand. She opens her mouth and the screen goes black before their verdict can be revealed. End.

Author's notes

The second picrew didn't have a pencil skirt option, so I have Mayumi white pants instead. She still wears the same uniform as she did in trial 1 though, picrews just don't always work out.

Picrews used: - https://picrew.me/ja/image_maker/1458900 - https://picrew.me/image_maker/1820833

[omnipah]

For the character thing: Qifrey from "witch hat atelier"!!

Sexuality Headcanon:

this might be partly the tone of the story being more coming-of-age rather than romantically focused but tbh he seems kinda aroace. like, throws himself into his work, more focused on being a professional dad, than actually dating people

Gender Headcanon:

tbh he reads to me as one of those characters you could make a case for being nb, transmasc or transfemme and have it be believable. he's definitely trans tho, something about the way he uses his glasses to redefine the way people see his face is very Gender to me

A ship I have with said character:

okay i super wasn't into it when i started reading but i am now largely on the bandwagon of shipping him with olruggio, tho in a old-married-couple/queerplatonic/forever-coworkers kind of way that neither of them particularly defines other than the extreme mutual loyalty

A BROTP I have with said character:

i have a big soft spot for agott and obviously a lot of her character is supposed to be learning from/complementing coco, but i also think she should get some more emotional bonding time with qifrey. something something perfectionist who thinks she's only worth something if she's competant being shown unconditional love

A NOTP I have with said character:

uhhhh i honestly don't know who else is in a position to potentially be shipped with him? tbh i'd hear a case for it with any of the other adult characters, there seems some interesting potential there considering that he's been active and known in this community for a decent while

A random headcanon:

the reason he wears so much white instead of wearing wacky colours like a lot of his peers is to symbolise his amnesia and what he feels he lost of his identity at the time. also it's a flex cus that means he has a passive magical way of keeping them unstained with all the ink he and his students go through. also he's an art deco bitch and he just likes the vibes

General Opinion over said character:

i severely want that man's Gender. also generally pretty interested in his whole deal, i stopped reading at a point where it seemed like we might get a bit more of that but i like that he's broadly a decent person but has the potential to lose sight of those priorities when it comes to The Trauma, i think it's interesting.

[liquidstar]

See the real reason I numbered my OC checklist is so I can generate random numbers to pick characters for stuff. Rn I'm going to pick 2 totally random ones and think about what their interactions would be (even if they never actually meet). This is for me to kill time but for anyone who cares feel free to read :)

41. Alkes and 113. Andromeda: I think Alkes would act nice and polite with proper etiquette in front of the princess, so she'd think he's just a sweet little guy and not a little murderboy

61. Kied and 18. Imai: She would eat any of the nerds at Owl Feather alive but she would at least appreciate the work ethic. Keid is the smartmouth type so he's doomed though

70. Pictor and 118. Taurus: Look man Taurus probably isn't going to spend a lot of time talking to someone about art. He barely talks to his son. Pictor would say words like art deco and Taurus would be thinking okay speed it up da vinky

120. Cancer and 15. Eirene: Eirene is literally a little girl he'd just be niceys to her. She might ask too many questions about how he gets around with pincer arms but he'd be patient.

59. Ramus and 55. Harriot: I actually think they'd get along. Harriot is impatient and Ramus always takes the quickest most direct route to things. That's not a bad combo at all.

10. Barnard and 4. Al: They're already friends! They're in the same guild and around the same age, and their personalities mesh just fine. They're not besties but they definitely get along, both are readers so they at least have that to talk about on top of guild stuff. I made them roommates in my collage au rather than going w the more obvious options lol

132. Rhea and 96. Deimos: gonna be real, he might just steal her money. Fairly well-off looking housewife and some bandit kid? He's stealing her fucking money

17. Shaula And 7. Felis: They're literally sisters lol. Shaula says she wants to be just like her older siblings and Felis is clutching onto her shoulders like Don't.

34. Porrima And 66. Misam: I think Misam would say they like Porrima's vibe and Porrima would be like "I know how you die." (< trying to make conversation)

33. Cerberus and 108. Eris: She would try to manipulate that dogboy but he'd be too stupid for it to work. Looks like she's not getting out of time prison.

Ok that's all for now, join me next time I get bored where I'll do the same thing except decide who would win in a fight

[stoneheart-paramour]

researching what level of tech was widely available during the 20s today, or at least, doing a surface level dip into things. remembering march 7th and her camera, i realized i gotta find out what she'd be working with, and fortunately it does seem like handheld cameras were available and even affordable! all the tech of the sskies universe will inevitably have a spin to it so i don't need to worry about perfect historical accuracy - what is historical fiction for, if not putting a fictional spin on history? - but i still want it to be recognizably the 20s (primarily the american "roaring 20s" vibe) so it's worth at least poking at the weeds.

i'm also trying to put together some kind of moodboard or similar so i can make/post SOMETHING pretty to look at, but it's harder than i hoped to get good photos/art in the art deco style that i'm looking for. then there's the AI slop i have to look out for :') spent a minute or two scrutinizing an image bc it really did have the rank stench of generative AI all over it. then i realized it was labeled as an AI generated image down at the bottom so i kinda wasted my time... on the other hand it does mean i have an eye for what that garbage looks like, so i can avoid it. i had this same struggle searching for steampunk inspiration some months back; it really has seeped into everything now, hasn't it?

okay, but more technology discoveries! i know now radios were very widespread which is useful for having characters communicate between ships/locomotives. i do still want phones to exist but they won't be onboard the vessels; gotta go into an urban environment for that kind of thing.

this is also the timeframe for the discovery of penicillin! knowing this answers a question i'd been pondering too, because it means people don't believe in "miasma theory" anymore - most people anyway. germs are a Thing, and then can be destroyed. if i'm going to be subjecting the gang to physical harm, i gotta know what medical treatment looks like. apparently band aids were also invented around this time. i assume they were boring and brown, but damn it, if i want to put a colorful/patterned band aid on a guy, i think i simply WILL.

seems like TV was coming along, but WWII sorta put a hold on that kind of thing so they didn't become widespread for another few decades. however! there is no WWII in the sskies :) so i might consider throwing in a rudimentary TV if such a thing ever would feel suitable. only if it makes sense tho, i don't want to just add things for fun and without reason.

cars are on the scene as well, which i already thought was the case but it's good to confirm. that means i can hit people with cars! i mean, have people drive around in cars! vehicular manslaughter in this work is entirely theoretical at this time.

my desire for logical, consistent tech portrayals is definitely fighting a bit with my boredom though; it's not that fun googling a bunch of different terms and rifling through all the results to find the relevant stuff. at least i have a starting point though, i can work with everything i've found so far. well i did learn one lil fun fact: vacuum cleaners were invented in the 20s. idk why but that just tickles me. i can have dan heng vacuum the archive and it wouldn't be anachronistic haha.

actually come to think of it, electricity, electrical appliances, and electric lightbulbs are all things that ought to be widespread at this point, too. i suppose that means the Astral Express has wiring. an obvious conclusion perhaps, but important to bear in mind all the same, especially given i have to shift my mind away from the OG SSkies universe, where they're still using coal in their steam engines and oil in their lamps. whiiich reminds me, i have to look up if they have flashlights/torches yet...

[annachum]

Some Hell Royalty style notes ( Hellaverse )

This is just some notes I have for Hell Royalty fashions in Hellaverse. I absolutely love the fashions of several franchises ( including Hellaverse ), so I like to make notes on such fashions.

Okay, here we go :

. Pride Royal fashions : Big shoulder blades and capes, regularly starry or weather themes, often in red and gold, very Valyrian and Lannister like vibes in spades

. Lust Royal fashions : Major influences from Naboo and Italian Renaissance fashions, lots of floral elements, often in blue and purple, complex braided hairstyles

. Greed royal fashions : Very Munchkinland vibes, often in green, lots of currency patterns and gold coins accessories

. Sloth Royal fashions : Very Water Tribe and Gilikin vibes, lots of fur and big sweeping robes, lots of pearls and diamonds, often in snow and shadow patterns

. Envy Royal fashions : Often a mix of ocean core, pirate core and tropical core styles, often in blue and green, lots of pearls, often very Atlantis vibes

. Gluttony Royal fashions : Very Quadling Country vibes ( ie Deep Southern fantasy fashion vibes ), often in warm colors ( mainly yellow ), culinary patterns etched on robes, colorful beaded jewelry

. Wrathian Royal fashions : Very Vinkus Country ( ie often Wild West fantasy fashion ) and Arrakis fashion vibes, lots of gold accessories, often in fire colors ( mainly orange ), a mix of fire and desert core vibes.

. Hell Royalty fashions have some inspos from Cirque du Soleil, Pre Raphaelite and Art Deco fashions, and also ASOIAF and Star Wars fashions ( similar case with Heaven Royalty fashions, but that's a story of another time )

. All the Hell Royals regularly dress in the main colors of their house sigils/rings and also in main elements of their powers ( like how Vassago regularly dresses in sun core fashion, for starters )

. Paimon's generation of Goetian royals usually dress in more formal attires - big crowns, big capes and such

. Stolas' generation of Goetian royals often dress in less formal but just as glamorous outfits - less complex hairstyles but still fancy ass robes

. Octavia's generation of Goetian royals often switch between more ' casual ' clothes and then simpler yet still fancier royal formal attires

. The Sins, Lilith and Charlie all dress in fashions of the centuries they lived, eventually wearing an eclectic mix of those styles altogether

[journeysintowebcomics]

Homestuck Liveblog #182

UPDATE 182: Nothing Goes According to Plan

Last time the epilogues had started. First the meat route! Featuring John going to fight Lord English with many teenage versions of his friends, and Dave and Karkaroni launching their candidacy for president to stop Jane from getting there. Let’s continue.

Wherever John just zapped everyone to is very dark. Given the final destination likely is the place where they’ll fight Lord English, this would be inside one of the bubbles, no? I don’t remember them being particularly dark or dreary, so maybe they’re in the space between the bubbles instead. Shouldn’t be too difficult to find the one with Lord English, just look for the one with the destructive light show.

Apparently they arrived very early. It’s Caliborn, Gamzee and that robot rabbit. Hm. Perhaps this is when they went to fight Caliborn according to the clay theater show?

Lord English is holding something that looks like... Lil Cal? It’s definitely Lil Cal, and Lord English is definitely waltzing around with it in his little spotlight in the middle of the nowhere, swinging the puppet around by both its floppy arms. Well, rather, he was waltzing around. He stopped the moment you looked at him.

...okay then, of all things for Caliborn to be doing, dancing the waltz with the puppet wasn’t really one of them. Consider me surprised, story.

John and Caliborn do a staredown that’d have filled like eighteen pages of Homestuck, and John gives him a thumbs-down. Caliborn takes umbrage with that, although it’s just for a little while, before laughing and deciding this really was the moment represented by the clay theater thing. So, if I recall correctly, that ended with the Original Wonderkids being trapped in the juju, and Dirk shoving Caliborn and the red sprite whose name I don’t remember into the puppet. Foregone conclusion?

CALIBORN: BE QUIET.

CALIBORN: I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT YOU JUST INTERRUPTED A GROUNDBREAKING INTERPRETIVE ART PIECE.

CALIBORN: IT WAS THE FIRST OF ITS KIND. PERFORMED ONLY ONCE. AND MADE MORE VALUABLE FOR ITS RARENESS.

JOHN: wow.

Yes, John, the guy who will destroy existence and also ruin everything still is a dork. Surprise?

Caliborn seems very confident everything will go according to plan and maybe he has reasons to believe that. I mean, it has to, for this to not be a paradox and doom everybody in the process. And yup! Effectively, the ninth page is all about how the heroes lost and got trapped in the juju. It didn’t go all according to the claymation theater because there were some minor and unimportant deviations, but it ended with their loss. I do wonder if we’ll see what happened after they got trapped, though. Kind of doubt it, given this is from John’s point of view.

Nope, it’s Jane. Alright, time to see what’s going on with her and how accurate Dave and Karkaroni’s assessment of her is.

So, I have read several paragraphs now. I can definitely see why those two would say that, and although it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, I do sense a constant and unsettling ‘I know better than everyone’ vibe over all this. Then there’s the matter of word choice:

In fact, Jane is pretty sure that Karkat Vantas would probably literally burst into flame if too many people happened to look at him at the same time, like a vampire walking out into the sun.

Wait. Jane lowers the pillow from her face and stares at her brass-and-glass art deco ceiling. Was that vampire thing xenophobic against Kanaya? Or whatever it was that Kanaya was supposed to be? No, of course not, she assures herself.

---

And despite being inarguably the dimmest of his family’s impressive ecto-biological stock...

Oh, dear. Stock. That’s likely a problematic word, isn’t it? Jane thinks. She crosses it off her mental list of “appropriate words to say during a press conference.”

----

And the consorts? Who had even given them the right to vote in the first place?

----

But Earth C’s paper-thin idyllic history was very close to a boiling point—its very first boiling point, in fact, which will have everything to do with the problematic nature of troll reproduction. The first generation of natural-born trolls obviously cannot be entrusted to a troll.

Which was absolutely not a xenophobic thing to think. It was just realistic. The citizens of Earth C were able to rest easy knowing that the government held careful rein over the... well, over matters of equity.

All that? It’s not outright awful, but it’s enough to leave a nasty aftertaste when you think about it for a moment. Can’t say I know how anything’s supposed to work in the so-called idyllic society of Earth C, or what kind of intricate social problems exist, so I can’t really comment about most of this without making a loooooot of assumptions that are a burden to deal with, but all this about controlling troll reproduction is an uncomfortable callback to the Condesce’s efforts to control human reproduction and mold it to her tastes. I doubt Jane would go that far, but it still is too much of a similarity to it. When I said last update she totally was the Condesce’s descendant it was a joke, not a wish for this, golly.

That aside, in all this I have the impression Hussie isn’t walking the walk, or whatever the colloquial saying goes. I don’t know why exactly he decided to go in this direction with the character, but to me it feels like he’s both trying to push in that direction and try to keep Jane similar to how she was in Homestuck. It’s just a few paragraphs and she hasn’t even said a word to another character, but to me it feels like he’s not committing to the characterization he’s trying to make here. You can’t do both at the same time, seriously. Maybe it’d work if it was an entirely new character instead of an existing character – and by Jove this story doesn’t need new characters, that’s for sure – but yeah, right now? All this with Jane? It’s...not really working for me. It feels kind of clunky.

I definitely can see why I heard people were unsatisfied with the epilogue, though! A character being given unsavory traits and inclinations it didn’t have before must have been an unwelcome shock.

Welp! Time to call Jake! I suppose she’ll try to get his political endorsement thanks to the major political capital he now has. Let’s see if it works!

JAKE: Ahoy ahoy!

Jane has to suck in a hard breath to stop herself from groaning. Why were so many of the finest young minds on this planet slaves to this foolish man’s perky glutes?

Can Jake be treated as more than a one-dimensional character with an ass jutting out? Would be great.

Apparently getting shot with horse tranquilizers is how the shows have been ending for a while already. No wonder there are riots every time, so much for the underdog victory in that show. Still, it’s working, because he’s adored by everyone. Jake sounds like he’s okay with this, but really, he must have a breaking point. You can get shot with horse tranquilizers only so many times before you demand it to stop.

JAKE: Its beginning to feel like all people want from me is to stick my derriere on a signpost for their own profit.

Funny you’d say that, given how much it’s been featuring in this epilogue.

Jake isn’t really the brightest bulb, but he’s not so dense he wouldn’t notice this, yup. Maybe he’d be relieved to know Dave and Karkaroni want him to wink and give double pistols at the camera instead of showing his butt on a billboard. If that’s what makes Jake support them over Jane I’ll laugh and also feel pretty bad for him.

In all this, Jane invites Jake to see her, saying she’s ready to give him what’s best for him. That’s...pretty manipulative, knowing what she wants. Still, she managed to convince him to go see her, so that’s that. I don’t think this meeting will go like she wants to, so I’m kind of dreading it. Next page!

Apparently John never considered the possibility they’d lose against Caliborn. I mean, it’s hard to imagine you’d get trapped into a juju that’s essential a complete void in the universe, but still! He says he screwed up, and praises Rose. Looks like John is alone in the space he’s in, while the rest of the Wonderkids are in their own little pockets of nothingness not too far away. Inside this juju they can’t feel time or space, which is...good? Means they’re not going to die, at least. Dave and Jade are powerless. Can Rose use her seer powers?

ROSE: What did my future self say it was we had to do?

JOHN: erm... she never rea—

DAVE: WHAT?

JOHN: she—

DAVE: I CANT HEAR YOU

JOHN: UM, SHE NEVER REALLY TOLD US WHAT WE HAD TO DO, EXACTLY?

JOHN: JUST WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, IN A REALLY LOOSE SORT OF FASHION?

ROSE: DOES THAT MEAN WE’RE STU—

What does it say of me I thought she was going to say ‘stupid’. For charging ahead without getting as many details as possible of what future Rose said, I guess. Maybe it’d have been less of a shock when this happened.

Apparently what future Rose foresaw is that they would be trapped in the juju and then freed in the future. Sounds about right, I think that was implied to happen in Act 7. So it’s only matter of time before they’re freed, although, knowing who wrote this, I wouldn’t be surprised if the rest of the fight against Lord English is just shunted aside with a vague description of how it went. Hah!

From what John can imagine, the battle outside is going just like the claymation theater had predicted. By now Caliborn must be getting shoved into the puppet and thrown into the fabric of the multiverse, to doom everyone. You know, now that I think about it, how are the New Wonderkids going to leave wherever they are right now? Without John they’re kind of stuck. Whooops.

It doesn’t sound like Terezi is in the new world. Either she isn’t or she completely cut contact from the rest, because John misses her. I figure he’d at least know what she’s up to, if she were around. Hm.

She wouldn’t have let you neglect relationships with certain friends for so long that you missed whole chapters of their lives. She wouldn’t have put up with you moping around with the salamanders for so long. She would have kicked your ass for being such a loser about everything. She would have poked you in the forehead and called you insufferably lame and told you to pick up the damn phone. You would have called her a weirdo and pretended you hated it, and maybe you would even have believed you hated it. But now, sitting here in this little white cubicle, contemplating your regrets, you don’t think you’d have hated it much at all.

Definitely sounds like she isn’t around. I can’t remember what happened with her in Homestuck...maybe something in these epilogues will answer that?

Also, it’s possible John is depressed. It’s not impossible, really! It’d be surprising if after the events of Sburb and its very traumatic qualities they’re not affected in some manner. Some seemed to be better-adjusted, somehow, but it’s not out of the question others have been affected negatively. Maybe John is depressed. Nothing to do in this juju than tell the rest about that, I suppose.

It’s strategy meeting time right there at Karkaroni’s hive. Dave is in charge of everything, outlining their strategy and what the consequences of Jane’s reign of terror will be. Most of it goes over my head, I admit, thanks to Dave’s verbose way of talking, and Karkaroni and Jade don’t seem to be faring much better.

DAVE: are you two even listening or are you just making noises with your mouths

KARKAT: HOW DARE YOU.

KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M BEING ACCUSED BY DAVE STRIDER, REIGNING EMPEROR OF SPEWING ENDLESS VERBAL DIARRHEA DIRECTLY INTO MY INNOCENT HEAR DUCTS EVERY DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE, OF MAKING THOUGHTLESS MOUTH NOISES.

KARKAT: JADE, ARE YOU HEARING THIS?

JADE: im scandalized

JADE: especially when

JADE: there are much better things we could all be doing with our mouths.....

...

...

...

...did I mention already I have heard so much dissatisfaction about the epilogues? I didn’t get many details back then, but I definitely am realizing why I heard those opinions all the time. What’s wrong with you, Jade. Nobody else knows how to react, so Dave just continues his strategy meeting.

From what I can gather here, Dave’s opinion is that Jane will capitalize on the very violent and very disturbing features of troll life back in Alternia, and boy is there plenty of that. The average person would be incredibly fearful of a repeat of any of that, especially if the Condesce is brought up. Really, in terms of humans, I’m preeeeetty sure Jane has their vote, no contest. Can’t say I wouldn’t vote for her if I was told about the brutality of troll life and the effects it’d have on us. It’s all about how it’s presented, and Jane would definitely present it at its most raw.

Jade gives an overview of the consequences of the Jane presidency in a manner that stuns our dear underdogs here, and also dog hormones are mentioned. Are you telling me that in the fusion Jade was somehow implanted with her dog’s endocrine system? Was that a thing? Because if she wasn’t then this doesn’t make sense at all, unless somehow her dog ears and tail are secreting hormones. It’s illogical. Not that Jade being fused with her supernatural omnipotent dogsprite is incredibly logical.

You know, when I started reading the epilogues I didn’t really expect to be reading about Jade’s polyamorous urges. I don’t want to read about Jade’s polyamorous urges. Let me just...skip this until the topic changes.

I can’t believe that took the rest of the page, and that’s not a joke-y ‘I can’t believe’. Well then. Next.

Oh, great, it’s Vriska. You know, I like Vriska enough, buuuuut her influence in the narration was never really something I liked of her. Guess I’ll have to endure that, then. The narration starts with reminding she still has quite the hero delusions. Peachy! Off to kind of a bad start. Still, what’s important is that she’s facing Lord English and she has just deployed the juju that’s hosting the Wonderkids, so this really is picking up from Act 7. I didn’t think this would be happening yet here we are. Nice!

Now that the juju has been deployed, the majority of those present – Meenah, Tavros and a myriad of unnamed ghosts – should be retreating, but Vriska wants to see how Lord English destroys reality, which he does with just a roar, sending literal pieces of reality crashing down and bonking Vriska on the head. Above her, a black hole is forming, consuming reality itself. It’s so strong that, without Tavros to anchor her, she’s lifted off the ground and sucked towards it. She’s unable to hold onto the juju or onto anything, and disappears into the black hole.

Well that was quite the random aside, but that’s how Homestuck is.

John and the rest emerge from the juju, just in time to see the huge and realize things are falling apart. There’s nothing about Lord English being nearby, so maybe he was absorbed into the black hole as well? Not much time to wonder about that, because reality unravels.

In Jane’s office reality isn’t unraveling, though, what’s unraveling is her patience, because Jake doesn’t figure out entering through the door is what anyone would do, instead of entering through the window from what’s likely not a ground floor office. Once he enters like any person without powers would do, Jane receives him.

And intimate knowledge of his hoarding habits—particularly the type of sultry, cerulean content he is known to hoard—is exactly why Jane is wearing a blue dress with a very high hem. Jake’s bow tie practically spins at the sight of it.

Thaaaaat’s also manipulative. Clever and it most likely will work, but it’s manipulative. I’m still having a hard time trying to associate this with Jane, honestly.

Well she tries to seduce him, which, knowing how hard of a time she was having enduring her romantic trouble in Homestuck, is darkly hilarious, especially when it fails completely because she’s not good at this. All Jake can do is spit bourbon at her. After that little stunt she’ll need to have incredible patience not to kick him out immediately, but the political capital must be really worth it.

Although she’s clearly very frustrated, she still plows ahead and starts talking about the economy, trying to get Jake up to date with the intricacies of what’s going on. He doesn’t know anything at all, so she has to explain to him everything. She still seems to be kind of aiming to seducing Jake, though. Sigh.

Who are they now? The same Jake and Jane who passed like particularly dysfunctional ships in the night a decade ago? Or is Jane wiser, and Jake kinder? Are they better versions of themselves?

Well it sure wasn’t the other way, Jane sure didn’t get kinder and Jake wiser. That much was very clear just from this update.

I’m not entirely sure if her reminiscing about how they may be all drifting apart and how the trajectory all of their lives have taken is fake – part of me believes it may be sincere, after all – but what I’m sure of is that she doesn’t miss Jake. She makes sure to say she does, though! And he reciprocates. This leads to a lot of kissing. This sure escalated fast! And on Jane’s favor, dare I say. It was a complete accident, but it’s going pretty close to what she had intended.

Or not, because through all this Jake keeps thinking of Dirk and his abysmally romantic attributes. Boy, if Jane heard about this she’d be even more frustrated. But yeah, pretty clear Jake hasn’t gotten over Dirk no matter what. Seems to me like he’s doomed to think of Dirk for quite a while. He realizes that in a flash of inspiration and yelps in panic, deciding to scram and ending Jane’s underhanded romantic overtures. That went pretty badly!

JANE: What the...

JANE: Everliving fuck!

It really is for the better she’s not aware what was going through Jake’s mind, hah! She even calls Dirk to talk about what happened. He’s not understanding, he simply states you can’t be nice to Jake if you want him to be interested in you, and pretty much tells Jane to stay on her line and stop trying to play romance with Jake because that’s his turf. Paraphrasing. This is starting to seem more and more like Jake won’t throw his hat in their ring, in my opinion.

She’s also looking emotional support, and she’s not getting it from Dirk because she has other things to deal with, more important than the election of president of the entire planet. Rose is here, and given how they have a mutual problem, they have to talk about it. But that’s for next time!

[romancevsreality-blog]

the bachelorette, season fourteen, episode one: i have opinions on greek yogurt

So they had to go and start this season by salting the wound of Becca and Arby’s breakup, didn’t they?

Welcome back to Romance vs. Reality, I’m your lead and only blogger, Amanda. Kill me now, we’re here for the fourteenth go-around of La Bachelorette, a carousel made up of social media participants and erectile dysfunction specialists. Our princess this season is Becca Kufrin, a last name I struggle with for no specific reason other than I just feel like I’m emphasizing the wrong syllable. Coming after Rachel, The First Black Bachelorette and Resident Queen Regnant of this blog1, and her, well, disaster of a season, I’m terrified.

I’m going to do a full analysis of our Mantestants later on, but I’ll put it frankly: I am not excited. I am newly single, and man. Pickings are slim out there. It’s dangerous waters, y’all. And I live in a city of like, seven million people. I can understand now why people find the first person they can in high school and piss on their legs for forty years2. Becca, however, dodged a bullet in this case, because Arby remains and always will be human trash. Oscar the Grouch literally lives in a trash can and is looking to get rehomed because of the association, maybe somewhere not on Sesame Street.

Arby’s legacy has impacted Sesame Street. And Oscar the Grouch is notorious for loving trash. I mean... same? But I do not love Arby. Arby is the human embodiment of Garbage Island, the island that is floating in the Pacific Ocean, collecting all of our plastic bottles and general other garbage and polluting our waters. Honestly to call Arby garbage isn’t ruthless enough. It doesn’t get the point across. Even calling him Arby, a restaurant that probably doesn’t deserve such a harsh association, feels cruel.

Arby is rubbish.

I mean, I know a lot of things about myself, but:

And Arby is the Standard of Trash To Which I Now Hold All Men. I will be ranking the men this season on the Rubbish Arby Scale.

Note: I am not even a full minute into the episodea, and I have a lot of feelings.

We have to relive the torturous final moments of Becca and Rubbish Arby’s relationship again, because ABC is basically going to milk this moment for everything it’s worth. We see Becca walking through some snow, searching for her future or whatever metaphor the powers that be are going after this season. She thought she had found her future, but nope! That future is off getting married to the human embodiment of an unflavored Fage Yogurt3. Becca is ready to find love because her parents were in love until her dad’s untimely death and guess what? It’s her turn now.

My favorite part of every season is the girls who are like, “I can’t believe I’m The Bachelorette? All I had to do was unleash a ton of my personal trauma on national television and ABC will pay me to wear sequin dresses and shank dudes’ hearts now!” I do love that Arby is actually banned from Minnesota, though. I mean, I don’t think he’s running to go to Minnesota any time soon, but the fewer options Arby has to spread his rubbish sludge, the better. We see Becca go through her Bachelorette Photoshoot4 and show how she’s a Strong Woman in both demeanor and physical strength at a acrobatic silks class.

I’m tentative.

Becca arrives at The Bachelor Mansion, where our three past Bachelorettes, all engaged but none married, are waiting for her with mimosas. Honestly, I would like to hang out with these three girls. Rachel and I could just... you know, be black together and I would ask Joelle about home design and Kaitlyn and I could dance. Tag me in, Becca. TAG ME IN. Rachel tells Arby to go fuck himself and basically is a queen the entire time. They all rave about the experience and how great it was for all of them - take away the fantasy and really consider real life. Rachel and Joelle talk about the fact that the women have a better track record on The Bachelorette (true) because they approach the situation with more nuance than the men do. And that’s true. To me, the men of The Bachelor are looking for someone to project their dreams onto, and the women are approaching it with a real sense of opportunity.

Rachel proceeds to sage the entire mansion, Becca’s ring finger, her vagina, and they’re never going to get rid of the stench of toxic masculinity, Axe body spray, and desperation. That’ll be there forever. That's in the fibers of the couches.

Okay, let’s talk about Becca’s first night dress. I know people are divided on it, but I think it’s a banger, okay? I mean, I wish it wasn’t ivory, but the all overbeadwork and the art-deco style is gorgeous. I also love the neckline, because Becca has great shoulders. The pairing of that with those dramatic teardrop earrings was stunning. It sparkles in the light, it’s a dress meant to be on television, not caught in a still shot.

LET’S MEET THE MEAT, SHALL WE?

First up is Clay, who is 30, and is a pro football player. Great, because now I have to worry about you getting CTE and argue with you about standing for the national anthem? Oh, Clay played for Detroit, though. I can’t be mad at him. Also, CLAY IS A DREAMBOAT. We see him at dinner with his family and his cute grandma. Clay is there For Becca, for sure.

We met Garrett, who starts with a Chris Farley impression. In 2018. A Chris. Farley. Impression. Chris Farley’s corpse is turning over and over and over in his grave. Oh my god, of course Garrett is from Reno. Reno gives me such Second City vibes. Not like the improv group, but like, the city you go to when you don’t have anywhere else to go, like Cincinnati or Tallahassee. Garrett is active because of course, but he wants a companion to do outsidey things with.

Oh god, we meet Jordan, who is 26, and a professional model. I already am going to safely call him this season’s Robb(ie). Jordan is the kind of guy who’s hot in certain lights but then other times you’re like “man, give some chin to other people!” He has a lot of chin, and his meticuliously carved “scruff” isn’t helping matters much. Oh god. Jordan starts out talking about his Brand, a phrase I only say ironically. I am literally shaking with rage. Jordan’s an unironic Derek Zoolander. He considers having to be tan and using salt spray to be “taxing”. He’s excited for once to finally be focusing on someone else for a change, and all he wants to do is sit on a couch with a box of chocolates with Becca in sweatpants and watch a chick flick. Jordan claims a lot of models don’t do that.

Someone want to notify Jordan that a good number of male models are gay men who would definitely do that? Anyone?

Next up is Lincoln, who we’ve already met on After The Final Rose. Lincoln is from Nigeria and he’s #blessed to be in the United States. He’s ready to get married and ready to settle down. That’s all. Boring. Joe From Chicago owns a grocery store, and as soon as this comes out of his mouth I’m in love with him. My full on Type is Man from Chicago Who Owns A Grocery Store. Joe’s ready to settle down and knows when he finds the right one, he’ll know.

Jean-Blanc comes on screen and I can hear my mom yelling “THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND AMANDA” from the six-hundred-something miles away that she is. Jean-Blanc collects “accoutrements”, and oh my god, my mom might be right. Jean-Blanc likes stuff. Watches, ties, cologne, all the extra shit no one really needs but it’s nice to have. I mean, I hate wearing perfume, but if a man can find a blend that works for him and isn’t overpowering? Great. Dope. Totally down. We see him opening Viktor & Rolf’s Spice Bomb, a Curve cologne??? And others from the Checkout Aisle From Marshalls and TJMaxx Collection. He’s going to “blow her nose away”, a phrase I’m shocked Jordan didn’t use because you knnnnnnoooow Jordan loves a little nose candy. Sorry, it’s true.

Colton is another football player so this season is full of men with experience getting concussions. Also, can we stop making men named Colton football players? Colton got injured in his last season, so he decided to give up football forever and now runs a charity to change the lives of cystic fibrosis sufferers. Okay, I can’t even talk shit. Damn charity.

Becca heads in the limo to meet Chris Harrison and the 29 other garbage men that will create the Advent Calendar of Regret that is The Bachelorette. Chris Harrison is on screen for the perfect amunt of time - like, thirty seconds, before our first limo full of mediocrity arrives. First out? Charitable Colton, who is firmly placed in the top two, officially. He wants to celebrate Becca being bachelorette and brought confetti poppers, which is actually not the worst initial interaction for these two people to have. It’s actually... cute?

God, help me.

We meet Grant, who both tells Becca he respects her for what she’s gone through but also wants her to forget all of it - way to help with THAT, Grrrrrant. Clay comes out and talks about football and makes a football pun and is cute and everything. Jean Blanc has a French name and teaches Becca some French, which is a mess. Of course, he has her translate “Let’s do the damn thing”, and god I hope it’s the last time we hear that this season, but that’s not true. Connor is a fitness coach and gets down on one knee in front of Becca. Don’t retrigger the girl.

Oh god, not even two mintes after I said I never wanted to hear “let’s do the damn thing”, here comes Connor with it all over again. God damn this show.

Another limo arrives and out comes Joe From Chicago Who Owns A Grocery. He immediately forgets what he has to say as soon as he sees Becca and JOE I WILL TAKE YOU. John walks the wrong way into the house, and Leo arrives looking like he was trying to do a Miss Geist from Clueless costume and forgot to do his hair before leaving the house. It is not a good look, I literally slid to the ground and cackled when he came out5. He proceeds to take his hair down and swish it around like he’s fucking Fabio.

Jordan comes out of the limo and Becca says hi, and he doesn’t respond. Because that is the kind of person Jordan is. He’s the kind of man who wants to say hello first. Jordan wasn’t expecting Becca to be wearing ivory, which is just a weird thing to say. His shoes are loud as fuck, too. Jordan spent six hours on his outfit and is like, “I’m wearing a grey suit, it’s daring.”

No, Obama wearing a khaki suit is daring. Klein Epstein and & Parker Suits are daring. A heather grey suit with a blue tie is like putting a jalapeno in your guacamole. You’re not exactly living on the edge.

Nick arrives dressed like a racecar driver because only assholes wear outfits like that. Nick is... god, I can’t figure out if Nick is hot or not. I do appreciate Leo being ike, “yeah, reminding this girl of her ex? NOT A GOOD LOOK.”

So of course Mike, the other long-haired dude with a fucking man bun in god damn 2018, comes in with a cardboard cut-out of Becca’s ex. STOP TRIGGERING THIS WOMAN. That isn’t charming, that’s weird. I didn’t look up my ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends until like, a solid year into our relationship. I mean, it wasn’t the same way on his end6 but I think if I were to lead this show I’d specifically ask them NOT to mention my ex, if possible. Like, at all.

Garrett arrives in a minivan, and it’s full of soccer balls and a baby bag and he’s just trying to set the correct tone. I literally sat grimacing the entire time he was on screen. I hate Garrett already.

My second favorite part of the season premiere is the men being like “wow, there’s a lot of dudes here”. What did y’all expect?

Blake arrives on an... ox? After already meeting Becca with a horse at After The Final Rose? Becca’s right in wondering where he’s getting all of these animals from. I feel bad for the poor intern that needs to take care of Blake’s animals. Lincoln, the other guy who met Becca at After the Final Rose, and he brought Becca cake. Lincoln and Blake are both feeling confident because they’ve already met her before. We see a bunch of other dudes we’ve met before - Darius, Chase, Banjoist Ryan. The 24 other guys are intimidated because clearly they have some sort of leg up in the competition because they’ve been with her for ten seconds four months ago. I’m sure Darva Conger would agree with them that this is a solid grounding to form bonds over. It ended so well for her.

They basically show all the black guys back to back and a bunch of other nonfactors meeting Becca.

And then there’s Kamil, who is wearing sneakers with his suit and his job is “social media participant” which is effectively like putting “Air Breather” as your job in 2018. He only walks halfway to Becca and makes her come the other half to meet him, and then moves back further and is like “yeah, what about 60/40?” And honestly, this is the best depiction of heterosexual dating in 2018 I’ve ever seen and Kamil is literally telling Becca Who He Is in their initial interaction. 60/40, my ass. Becca is unamused by this and tries to turn it around on him, and he won’t engage.

Ya donzo, Social Media Participant.

Jake shows up, and Becca knows who he is. He’s an acquaintance and she’s confused because... Oh, okay? That’s super weird. I totally get why that’s weird. Production comes in with morbid music as a hearse drives up. Trent pops out and says he literally died when he found out Becca was Bachelorette, and I cackled. I can’t help it. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever witnessed.

Jordan is here to show off his sartorial choices and doesn’t understand the other shlubs who showed up. I hate that I kind of agree with him? But then again, I intend my wedding attire to be Elevated Black Tie. I want the men to show up in basically butler’s uniforms and the women to look like Lady Gaga. Just put a little more effort in - Becca’s standing there in a backless beaded gown, the least you can do is put on a god damn tie.

Oh, of course someone comes in in a chicken suit. David is both a chicken and a venture capitalist, which is my least favorite thing. He has to wear that suit all night long. Jordan is #unamused, which is hilarious. I do appreciate the “bekaw/Becca” wordplay. Chris arrives with a fucking choir who sings about getting a rose, and I’m just... Okay. This would be teeeeewwwww much for me.

Okay, we’ve got twenty-eight men. And none of them are winners. Good LUCK, Becca. Becca makes her first toast, and immediately Connor is the first one to whisk her away. The guys are genuinely shocked but y’all, that’s how the game is PLAYED. He opens a bottle of champagne with a kitchen knife, and it’s impressive, but not a saber like is to be expected or standard. Color me unimpressed, Connor.7 Clay and Becca play with Clay, and I love that. I mean, who doesn’t love adults playing with play-doh? Clay is from a small town and talks about his values and how they grew from growing up where he did. He talks about how excited he was to meet her, and I smile. Clay is too good for this show.

ONE OF THE DUDES MADE THE APP FOR VENMO AND WHAT IS HE DOING HERE? DAMN, ABC.

Chris uses the fact that his grandparents got married after two months and have been together almost 60 years to get Becca to believe that Chris is all about this. Chris looks far too much like Perez Hilton for my liking and just for that, I hate him with a firey passion.8 Christon is a former Harlem Globetrotter and so he’s gonna show her how he can dunk a ball from her own hands. He DUNKED Becca, jumping OVER her head, and it...

It’s actually marvelous. Like, damn. I mean, he’s a Harlem Globetrotter. He better be able to dunk on command.

Blake and Becca are on the same page, which is shocking because Blake is basically dressed like Hugh Hefner. Chris Harrison comes in, drops off the First Impression Rose, and walks out to go put his pajamas back on. All the guys are immediately shooketh by it.

Lincoln brought Becca a bracelet from Nigeria, and we get a montage of the stunts these guys are pulling to impress Becca. David the Chicken Venture Capitalist leads Becca in the chicken dance and we’re supposed to be impressed by him becuase he’s literally in a chicken suit but he has a Serious Career.

We get to watch the Anxiety Set In for the men who haven’t had a chance to talk to Becca yet, especially Jordan. He pretends like it doesn’t bother him, he’s just playing it cool, but come on. Garrett shows Becca how to fish, and if a dude did this to me, I’d yawn. Garrett reminds Becca of home, of her dad, and she thinks he’d totally fit in with her family. Oh no.

Chris / Perez Hilton / Ben Stiller in Dodgeball has realized someone is There For the Wrong Reasons. Chase, who met Becca on After the Final Rose, is suspected by Chris. I’m suspicious of both of them simply because they’re both from Orlando, Florida unapologetically. Chris knows Chase’s ex-girlfriend and apparently she told Chris that he’s just there for publicity. They all think Chris needs to confront Chase. I can’t tell you who told him this because we’re still at the point of the season where all the men kind of look the same. I think it’s Christon and Blake, but I’m not sure.

The drama has already begun. I'm sad it's not someone getting black out drunk like it usually is.

Chris takes Chase aside to tell him what the deal is, and Chase of course denies all of this. I mean, what’s he going to do, stand there and admit do it? He confirms he’s there for the Right Reasons, and he’s there for Becca. My favorite is that he admits to have been watching this show for years with his mom, so of COURSE he’s NOT THERE FOR FAME. I don’t understand this thought process as a defense.

Chase immediately runs to Becca to tattle on Chris for being skeptical. Chase, who looks perpetually constipated, never found out what this girl told Chris, but he’s vehemently denying whatever it is and isn’t That Guy, whatever guy his ex he only dated for a month told Chris he was. Like damn, Chase. You musta done something. Becca doesn’t really know what to do with any of that information because Chase is leaving out the part where he’s the asshole.

Chase goes and grabs Chris (????) because they’re settling the drama right then and there. Chase denies ever dating this girl with any kind of seriousness and they’re both... gross. Becca clearly doesn’t know what to do because the story doesn’t add up. If it was two years ago and someone he only a dated a month, what’s the issue at hand? It’s so weird. Becca is as turned off as I am, and this mostly reminds her of someone she met earlier that she was turned off by initially.

She comes to get Jake, because his intentions are watery at best. They have the same group of friends back in Minnesota but have never interacted, and so it’s super weird that he showed up here trying to date her. Like, dude, you actually had a chance before to at least try to. Becca doesn’t think he showed her any interest in the previous times they’ve met, and Jake doesn’t remember meeting her more than one time. He remembers one time they met, but not... multiple times.

I scoffed so hard a little bit of phlegm came out. TMI, I know. But still.

Jake is excited to be there and get to know her, but Becca isn’t on board, and rightfully so. I’ve had people meet me multiple times and have zero recollection and I’m offended. Here comes Jake, having met Becca multiple times and admittingly having no recollection of doing so, coming onto this show to try to date her? Really? When in real life he never tried to in the first place? Most people aren’t as transparent as Jake is with their intentions, but it’s so clear that Jake thought he’d be able to parlay the fact that they knew each other before into a relationship.

But if we’ve met before and you didn’t show any interest then, how am I expected to take you seriously now that we’re on TV? Becca all but says as much but tells him she knows what it feels like to have someone question her relationship with them and she’s not going to do that again. Jake tries to be like “but what about meEEEEEEE and MY FEELINGS” and Becca shuts that shit right down because she is not here for his whataboutism. Neither of them did anything when they met before, and it’s not about who did what in this scenario. She’s holding the god damn key and him coming on this show in the first place was fucked up. She doesn’t want to waste his time and knows she doesn’t see a future with him. She’s sending him home ASAP.

He tells her that he’s not the same person she met at some mysterious Christmas Party and has had a “transformative year” - uh you’re telling this to the woman who got dumped on national television, your transformation is nothing compared to hers - and he’s a different person. He thinks if they met again, it would have a different result. I’m sure it would, Jake, but you lost your chance. Sorry. He says he respects how she feels and he’s going home.

Jake was one of the most attractive men there, but man, this was G R O S S.

Becca announces to the men that Jake is going home first, and they’re all terrified.

There is a grown ass man with an “expecto patronus” Harry Potter tattoo, and yeah, he’s got some nonsense “it’s different in Latin” translation, but I’m just happy the black guy doesn’t have a Death Eater tattoo8. Colton talks about his charity, and the First Impression Rose is still there.

But not for long, because here comes Becca to grab it and offer it to...

Garrett.

All the guys are visibly gutted. I don’t know why, the best thing about Garrett is his tie. I love a pink and blue tie. He gets the first kiss of the season, too. Garrett’s thrilled.

Back inside, Chris Harrison has changed back into his suit for about ten minutes to gather Becca before the first Rose Ceremony. At this point, I also see a guy who I haven’t seen thus far, and went “PHOARRRRRRRR” because he was so hot. WHO ARE YOU, ANONYMOUS HOTTIE? I love that Jordan’s like, “It wouldn’t be fair to Becca if I didn’t get a rose tonight.” I’m on my third season of saying this, but I love when the contestants think their feelings matter at all in this scenario.

The Rose Ceremony begins.

Lincoln, Blake, Rickey, Jean-Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan9, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David The Chicken Venture Capitalist, Jordan, Leo, Mike, and Chris all accept roses.

That means Chris’s plan to get rid of Chase worked. Which it never does. On The Bachelorette, The Messenger usually gets shot.

Bye to Chase, Christian, Darius, Grant, Joe, and Kamil, all to face the cold light of day. Y’all stayed up all night for this.

BUT NOOOOOOOO, NOT GROCERY STORE JOE, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I’ll keep you warm in those Chicago winters, Joe. Now that My (ex)-boyfriend Wells is dating someone far more famous than I am, I’m in the market. Call me.

This Season, on The Bachelorette: This season isn’t the most dramatic ever, according to Chris Harrison. This time, it’s an adventure. Lots of beach kissing! All the guys are like “Arby’s dumb for losing this girl.” Colton, Jean Blanc, and Nick all tell Becca they’re in love with her. And then - TEARS. LOTS OF THEM. Someone did to Becca what Arby did, and whoever it is, I AM COMING FOR YOUR EDGES. Lincoln is a liar and a manipulator? Jordan, who is clearly there to boost his modeling career, takes it very personally for people to attack his character on television. That… doesn’t help with people thinking you’re just there to boost your modeling career, Jordan. Colton, of course, is a virgin, and apparently this may or may not be a lie? Who lies about something like that? Becca’s pissed. She just wants honesty from these fuckboys, and girl, you better have stocked up in fuckboy repellent. All she wants is their honesty from here on out. And then someone’s getting taken off in an ambulance. But it’s all going to end in an engagement that has allegedly already been spoiled by TMZ/the Powers that Be at ABC trying to scoop Reality Steve, so that’s what we have to look forward to.

See you next week! It’s great to be back.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Becca is only a year older than I am, and this is really sending me spiraling. I know we’ve had girls younger than I am on this show, but I never really contextualized that until I saw 1990 next to Becca’s name. I am so OLD.

This season’s batch of men makes me never want to be The Second Black Bachelorette™. If these are the best options, I’ll barf.

I know she’ll be on Paradise because come on no brainer, but man - I am so happy The Bachelorette is not Tia. Oh man, am I happy it’s not Tia.

I know everyone talks about how amazing Joelle’s hair is, but Becca. Gorgeous hair.

How tall is Becca? She looks like she’s my height.

Jordan is going to be this season’s Chad. At least we’re going back to the Douchebag Villain and not the Racist Villain again.

I really loved that all the guys were like “if the guy in a chicken suit gets a rose over me, life means nothing.” Oh, to have never struggled a day in your life.

Jordan, are you really a fashion model if you’re from Crystal Ocean Spray, Florida?

All of these men look like 90s Teen Film Villains. Like, this is a cast of Andrew Keegans and Paul Walkers.

Elizabeth who? ↩︎

I mean, kind of? No, I don’t. I really don’t. Can someone explain this to me? I feel like that’s resigning yourself to a lifetime of mediocre sex because you haven’t experienced anything else. ↩︎

I went with Fage because Bobby Flay, the whitest man I can think of, was their brand representative for a moment. Why is Bobby Flay the whitest man I can think of? He has a show where he literally competes with people to prove he’s good. I don’t need that, I literally have MY LIFE. ↩︎

Things that are interesting to only me: after two years of having the lead on a white background in a red dress (Joelle and Rachel), they’re back to the metallic-colored sequin dress (Kaitlyn and Andi), but Becca’s on a grey background. Both Emily and Desiree had what honestly looks like satin prom dresses from JCPenney. This matters to literally no one else.  ↩︎

The least surprising thing about Leo is that he’s a stuntman. Of course he is. Stuntmen either look like him or look like... well, what I imagine Joe From Chicago Who Owns A Grocery Store’s uncles probably look like. ↩︎

boundaries.

↩︎

Some other guy who is a real estate agent is like, “you never buy the first house,” which reminds us this show is doing really good things for gender progress in America. (/s) ↩︎

Seriously, has anyone with a Death Eater tattoo realized they’re just telling the entire world they’d be a proud racist wizard? ↩︎ ↩︎

RYAN IS MY SECRET MYSTERY HOTTIE, OMG. I forgive his banjo playing, it’s not like he’s in Mumford & Sons. ↩︎

[coldlipsmag]

PHONELESS IN BERLIN

Words: Kirsty Allison

All photographs by Martyn Goodacre, except images of Danielle De Picciotto’s art, and Alexander Hacke’s studio…and the portrait of Morgan, by Kirsty.

Clouds’ shadows camouflage the sea. Sardine boats dodge the lifeboat wind farms. I jet-trash over last night’s cab, and the phone left on the back seat.

SCHONEFIELD AIRPORT

“Yes,” with an ‘of course’-face, “It has all the streets on it.” The tourist board office give me a map with the VisitBerlin travel card – 41E for 6 days, generous. I like free travel, and I like maps. Not Maps that rhyme with apps. I see the island of West Berlin – I put all the streets in my long black woollen notebook pocket.

U-BAHN/S-BAHN

Map in a glass cage – no index – I’ll take a photo – look at it when I’m moving – I can’t take a photo. My cogs shift from the cybernet dimension.

Alone. Letting go of my infatuation with being monitored, I feel an analogue glitch, a slip of fortune as I enter the low-rise city, uninterrupted with pings.

A watch. I could buy a watch – to tell the time.

I could walk rather than do the connection.

THE HORRORS / Synästhesie Festival / Volksbühne

“The people putting this festival together told me this granite floor was from Hitler’s Bunker,” says Anton Newcombe of the Brian Jonestown Massacre and A Records, DJing in the green room, two floors of sweeping staircases up in the People’s Theatre of Mitte’s Rosa-Luxemburg Platz – once the centre of East Berlin’s GDR.

“Do you believe them?” I ask, of the 8MM Bar promoters who put the festival together. We consider the plausibility, the Nazi star, in dirty creams and blood reds.

Mark Reeder later confirms it to be from the Nazi Vice Chancellor office. And of the cenotaphs stashed beneath the KuDamm – the Nazi spikes. Close enough. Anton is a hero – DIG! the film he stars in aside spars, The Dandy Warhols – an essential on the rock n roll rites-of-passage Reading List. Between his selection of classic psychedelia: “I was born in 1967, in California, of course I’m psychedelic”, with highlights such as Fabio Viscollios 7”, he sets the record straight on all kindsa connections that zip around my references of the night – the stars that guide us, the magnets who form us.

Arrival in Neukölln

So 90s, no blue arrow locator. Without the digital psychographic veils of my screen, the meaning of wrong direction changes – I love to travel, to feel on top of the globe, wherever you walk, with only the weight of the identifiers you carry.

Natural order leads me to Stroke Order – my faux-god-sista, of the Sacred Sound Club – her haus is pink. Y3 shoes, high ceilings, dribble shower, CK mirror. She’s a costume designer for films, but has been hiding out here for a year. Making minimal techno – using autonomous sensory meridian response samples – sounds that turn us on.

Our mothers are pretend godmothers to me and her. She grew up in Vancouver. Dad is a motorcycle racer and ballet dancer in Japan.

Synästhesie Festival / Volksbühne

CAMERA take to the main stage of seated theatre hall. Brutalist fractal collage films of matrix shifting cities, juddering with intent. Projections of you watching me watching you – perhaps being shot live in the auditorium – full scope. Beaming around the physical force of a standing drummer triballing out for a 20 minute set on a bass drum, snare and cymbal. The centre-piece. Astral simulacrum to The Egg who I played with earlier this year. The standing drummer keels in sweat, throws a death white sheet over the drums as though he has beaten them dead, only to dampen their noise, and continue hitting and hitting. Keys, 2 x guitar, sitar bass, different genereration radical on sax – elf dancing.

I’m reminded of the need for parameters – the ones we invent to live inside. The significance of numbers plays on the screens – another hallucination. A replacement for seeing everything through snapshot Insagram lens. Abandoning our digital religion – is so FKK (freikörperkultur – the GDR East Berliners act of rebellion was to strip on Sundays around the lakes – to rip off the communist soaked nylons of identikit clothing*). So naked.

TANGERINE DREAM

A violinist in black – modular synth Memotron on one side – a bank of other buttons on the other side. One life. One nerve shatters and then rest follow. First they twitch, and glitch the matrix…

I catch a bit of THE PINS – all girls – superhot, riot grrrrl electronica.

THE HORRORS

Violent Lenin Uber Alles track shatters across the increased scale of the stage for this headline performance – punk anger of East Berlin, red deco chandeliers of alles Ku-damm Cabaret glory. Waiting for Faris Badwan, the singer who I first interviewed for Dazed and Confused, making a film about his illustration – and exhibition, I wonder about the symbolism of genre/sound/music/art as signs of the times – about resonance – of what we are creating and producing – of X Factor sounds as the capitalist panacea – of our art resonating our environment – or us gravitating towards it. Stroke Order making techno in Berlin.

The futurism of white noise perfection – the dystopian values, four albums in from when I first met Faris – he was maybe 23 then. Unsure if he was going to carry on at St Martins art school. By the time I interviewed him again for Vogue, he was not going back.

And here, seated in the very front row – I witness the evocation of destiny – he’s become less of the shy frontman, but someone who is commanding the respect of the universe – he violently whips the mic lead – he hails the pulses of front row screamers, bonding their necks with rubber wire – he in black PVC – guitarist in red lipstick – beautiful rockstar boys. Lyrics are lost in the Elritch reverb – Faris is crown stealing. Volatile black energy of goth industrial – contemporised by Tom Furse – and his techno pyramid synths. Ice sweat dripping Hackney vampire bassist Rhys Webb. Faris has become storming iconic balearic, striding over theatre seats, in smart city shoes. It’s cosmic goth, it is power – it is owning the depth of Poe hell to Blakean heavens. From voyeurs to submission, the audience leave satisfied.

WEDDING/NW multi-cultural reaches of the city.

Fire station studio. Danielle De Picciotto walks us across a courtyard in twilight. Pyramid of flowers, split by stairs to a below-sea-level, waiting buddha, draped with beads. Left and right basement of Californian security doors, co-joined studios, His and Hers. Drums on the male side, Alexander Hacke, Einsturzende Neubatten – poles of metal to hit. Next door: paintings of black and white folklore S+M dolls with tripped out wings, and photograph reflections. Hers. With tea. Laughter. Discussion. Love. She is love.

***

Lost – ghetto kid guides me and Stroke Order to the ambient dinner in a bar beneath a block in Wedding: soundproof triangles of three-tone pastel shaved hardwood. Clean vegetables, and a series of performances from three post-Akai-ists. Poetry, soundscapes layering paranoic schizophrenic voices – a DJ girl in from Seattle. The residents, ex-pats, from across Germany, and the world – carrying less ego than London. A wholesome intellect carries through, it gets lost in the whirl of London survival. I think back to hanging with the man commonly known as Rodent, the Sex Pistols’ sound tech – he was saying everything is lost in our digital times – the lack of ability to hang out together, they had to live frugally, himself in the studio of The Clash. The intensity of art. It’s easier here. To get involved in your creativity – away from the grab.

SUNDAY

Home jukebox, coffee, and Okay Cafe cinnamon swirls at Jason McGlade and Anne-Cathrin Saure’s (the art director/photographer, and designer of Cold Lips II, and co-createurs of the Shedville font). They moved back here recently – but Jason’s back and forth to London, working on an incredible analogue Polaroid project.

Stroke Order and I head out to Berghain – but instead collide with a very old friend who’s been living in Thailand for 14 years – Martyn Goodacre. He took the most iconic picture of Kurt Cobain, and many more. We tried doing music together when we worked on magazines. We go to a bar, meet with a midwife – talk about the horror show of birth, the guidance into the world, policed by the womb and the channel to birth and the rejection from the vulvic eye. The propulsion.

MONDAY MORNING COMING DOWN FROM AN EMAIL THAT IS CHANGING MY LIFE

Space, China – coffee with Mark Reeder. His vinyl of Mauderstadt is out now. I’ve just run a trilogy of stories on him in DJ Mag, explaining his part in Berlin, from being the Factory rep in Berlin in Joy Division days, through to putting on punk gigs in East Berlin, recording the music in gay bars to play to New Order – thus Blue Monday – and since, from inventing trance music with his label MfS – getting Paul van Dyk on the map – he’s the man. His uniforms. Rare light.

“Danielle [De Picciotto] and Katia – Love Parade would never have started without them.”

[Love Parade was the street party that began in the ecstatic reunification of East and West Berlin. The wall came down in 1990. The old GDR was a wild land. Read Danielle De Picciotto’s Beauty of Transgression for more…or watch Mark Reeder’s B-Movie…and his forthcoming E-Movie.]

He realises he’s late for his lunch…

Alone, back on the Neukölln streets, I look into the door of a Moroccan cafe – get called in by a round-faced Muslim woman, grey jumper, jeans – trainers – Tangiers market vibes, enter – beans – good – no English – point at a box – I don’t know if she knows I don’t want a tagine but takeaway – they waterfall me mint tea – the door slams shut. There are stickers on the wall tiles – plastic table cloths. Am I about to be drugged? Locked in – I have few Euros and no phone to be stolen.

I sit, read the Unspoken Berlin I’ve picked up – and wait for either the drugs to kick in, or to relax. Oh, some brot on the table – no it ain’t Gucci Bloom sea hedgehog fennel and jerusalem artichoke, chestnut puree and scallop, purple watercress like the exquisite experience of Lokal where local ingredients will dance on plates for us later – nor is is it as refined as the Techno sauna we’ll meditate in around the bar – but it is E2.50 and beautifully wholesome – the chickpeas are larger than London.

—-

Neurotitan have taken Cold Lips and my last 3 copies of Unedited. Stefi there is lovely. It’s somewhere that’s always called me on previous trips to Berlin. Many putting a film together that became impossible, about Manuel Gottching, of Ash Ra Tempel – and E2:E4 – the most sampled record – inventor of ambient – before Eno, before the HANSA recordings of Iggy and Bowie. I tell Stefi of my gig last night with Whisky and Words at the Keith bar – where Stroke Order – her pals – and Jason McGlade come by – and Mark Reeder. And Rasp Thorne [post coming to Cold Lips soon, or buy the second edition for total spread]- the consumate performer – lighter over here – my lips are still red from the wine. Stephen Crane. Rasp’s performance of Crane. He’s so good.

Everytime I get on a train here the stasi black jacket ticket checkers are on the same carriage. It’s happened to Morgan 3 times in her year here – and 3 times with me in as many days. I am able to fight my usual paranoias from the top of my Maslow pyramid – the email from a publisher – saying he wants to publish my novel – the one I have had two agents hawk around in 11 years – during which time, I have changed, and so has the story. It is the best email I’ve ever had. Here, lying in bed on the Monday morning after meeting with Anton Newcombe and front row for Faris – Faris frow.Two days later, I’m still flying, as I hit EchoBucher, back in Wedding – they’re taking some Cold Lips…I drop into Potsdamer – meeting… No fucking way. Ticket checkers.

Zug Fallt aus!

You have amazing eyes – you look like Madonna said the guy from Milano – I’m hoping he means old skool hot Madz. En route to the airport – delays – nerves shot / triggering towards Parkinsons and spiked dreams. He calmed me – so did the guy who was also travelling to Stansted – as we ran for the plane, and vice versa. Detoxed from the phone, train home, to the temple – travelling with Alice A Bailey. Nanobotic karmic overide. More ticket inspectors – haunted by the stasi – on plane now – could do with some extra O2 from the overhead locker after running in a coat I just bought which I think I may be allergic to. But it’s so warm.

*German born LA-resident, Benedikt Taschen, the art collector and publisher, has directed the content of the new EAST GERMAN HANDBOOK. An encyclopedic collab with Wende Museum, a place of Cold War artefacts in Culver City. It’s a compendium of communist porn – picture-led, masonically-charged graphics of the whole nine yards of life behind the wall – from ideal weaponary to food, fags, appalling vodka, and the requisite communist shit shoes. It’s got 50s utopian vision written all over it.