#okay I’m just going to….wean myself off of texting him

[clarabowmp3]

.

[our-time-is-now]

September 25, 2019: They’re really happy with the scars

(previous play)

You can find more information about the authors, translators, content warning and additional information about the plays in the pinned post on our blog.  

Attention! This play includes transgender topics. For more details see our interjection.

Wednesday, 11:25 am:

WhatsApp, David/Matteo:

David (11:25 am, voice message): Hey… I just left the hospital… everything’s good. They’re really happy with the scars and during the examination they couldn’t feel anything that’s wrong, either. Apparently it’s still a little swollen. But apparently that’s normal… Well, I don’t really think that it still looks swollen, but okay, I’m no expert… Anyways: The gynecologist was also satisfied. I had an ultrasound and… well the usual examination. I’ll spare you the details… over the next few days the stitches are supposed to dissolve, well at the… with the… on the nipples and just inside me. I’m supposed to come back in two weeks for a check up for the hysterectomy - but I can choose if I want to go to the hospital or my usual gynecologist… As for the mastec, I’m supposed to come back if there are any problems or if I have any questions, and apart from that I can start with the ointment next week. Oh and I’m supposed to slowly wean myself off the pain meds… but I was already considering that, anyways. Hmm… apart from that there wasn’t anything else… well, as I said, everything’s good! What about you? How was school? Anyways… I’m looking forward to later! And I miss you…

Matteo (12:43 pm, voice message): Hey, but that all sounds great… I’m really relieved that everything looks so good. Are you back at the flatshare now or still with Alex? Earlier today I had the thought that maybe we should buy Alex a gift? As a thank you for always driving you around? Well, I do know that he doesn’t want anything… but maybe something small… what do you think? Do you have an idea? By the way, I’m also outside right now… I somehow had to get outside and I didn’t feel like having lunch break at the cafeteria, so I’m walking around a little… But apart from that, everything’s good, school was good… but Sannik seemed a little off, no idea why… I’ll have a café shift again soon, until 4 o’clock and then I’ll finally get off work… I’m also looking forward to later… do you want anything in particular for dinner? Text me what you’d like… then I’ll quickly go shopping after work if we need anything… see you later… and take care of yourself…

David (12:49 pm): I’m at the flatshare with Alex. We’re having hot chocolate. I definitely think it’s a good idea to buy him a gift! Maybe a food voucher? And marzipan! He really loves marzipan!

David (12:50 pm): Maybe Sannik has stress in his private life and that’s why he’s so off… Was he only off or was he stupid? Was he mean to you? Do I have to scold him!? ;-)

David (12:51 pm): I feel like eating something with spinach again… do you have an idea? I can also go shopping later - if the shopping doesn’t weigh more than 10 kilograms ;-)

David (12:52): I hope you have a quiet shift at the café. You take care of yourself as well! I still need you for a little longer, after all… a little much longer… like a couple of years… or decades… ;-)

Matteo (2:07 pm): I think marzipan and a food voucher is a good idea, then he can choose if we want to go out or if I should cook something. And yes, I think Sannik has some stress in his private life. And maybe we could simply have pasta with spinach? Or potatoes? We still have pasta, I don’t know about the potatoes right now. We’d have to get spinach. That should be less than 10 kilograms :) And I will take care, you ol’ romantic :-* See you later…

(next play)

[floral-hex]

Okay, I think I’m FINALLY going to wean myself off of lexapro!

How to I add a read more tag? I keep forgetting. Anyway, gonna be some weight mentions, mental health stuff, general body fuckery below this, so warning. Also, this is just boring, so why would you want to read this anyway?

I’ve been meaning to get off of Lexapro for a long while now. If you scroll back long enough through my “text” tag (why would you, though?), you’ll see me mentioned hating it multiple times over the last couple of years. I just don’t like it. Bad drugs. Okay, let’s roll back to what I remember of my medicated beginnings. I only first started taking lexapro because my insurance stopped covering the meds I already took and actually liked (Viibryd. Good stuff). Immediately within the first days of taking lexapro, it made me want to physically die. Tons of chest pain, nausea, hard breathing, icky stuff. That took a while to fade away. I should mention that my doc said that I shouldn’t have ANY negative side effects when switching the meds, so getting any kind of negative feelings was a huge red flag I just decided to ignore. Nowadays… okay, I’m going to be real with you, I’m never 100% sure what’s a side-effect of lexapro and what’s just my trash body. I get nauseas a lot. A lot! I feel weak. I have almost zero sex drive. I’m not exactly peppy. I get tingles and numbness in my hands and arms (told my primary about this but he kinda shrugged it off which is… not ideal). I’ve gained too much weight. Yeah yeah, weight gain is normal, it’s not inherently bad, but I’ve been going to the gym multiple times a week for half a year now and it’s not budging. I get nauseas trying to work out. Incredibly so. I feel like I have to puke before too long. I get dizzy. I feel so low energy. I’ve tried to eat healthier. I work out quite a bit. I just feel weak. It’s not about feeling fat, I swear. I feel weak. I’ve seen a lot of people mention weight gain and/or weakness on lexapro. I can’t be sure it’s all because of it, but I’m willing to try going without for awhile to see how things progress. And really, I just straight up do not want it in my body anymore. I should talk with a doctor first, buuuut… I’m going to do it anyway. We’ve talked about it before, but usually with the belief that I’d be switching to something else. Nope, I’m just gonna go raw now. See what it’s like without anti anxiety meds. I have a scheduled appointment next month, so that will give me time to get off and try to adjust before seeing him again.

What’s the point of this text post? I don’t know. Maybe so I can look it up in half a year when trying to remember how I felt physically at the beginning of the year (not great, future me!). Anyway, I hope no one stumble upon this and it scares them away from looking into anxiety meds. Lexapro sucked for me. I’ve also seen tons of post from people who say it works for them. All bodies are fucked up in their own ways, so don’t take this ramble as gospel for how this med will make you feel… but also, fuck lexapro.

[rafael-silva]

catching fire: a multichapter tarlos fic

general summary: 

“Dispatch, we have a 10-33 at our location. Fire has ignited, we need Fire and Rescue, Medical and back up. Three individuals trapped, two officers and one civilian.” “Fire, Medical and back up is on route to you now,” comes the quick reply. “Officer Reyes, report.” Radio static. “Officer Reyes, report.” Silence. “Carlos!” Nothing.

Where Carlos and his partner respond to a noise complaint that quickly escalates into a blazing fire, putting their lives in danger. The 126 are called to the scene and TK’s heart drops into his knees when he learns that Carlos is trapped inside the burning apartment. The 126 frantically work to save the officers, and they deal with the aftermath together, as a family.

chapters: 4/? 

established tk strand/carlos reyes, major character injury, emotional hurt/comfort, hurt/comfort, angst, whump, fluff, team as family, worried tk strand, hurt carlos reyes, angst with a happy ending, on call injury 

word count: 8.6k

on ao3 | ch. 1 - ch. 2 - ch. 3 - ch. 4

*****

chapter 4 snippet: 

All TK could do was wait as the minutes and hours pass by. He tries reading in the book his father brought him, the one that’s been on his nightstand for weeks, but he keeps reading the same line over and over again. He eventually gives up, tossing the book back into the duffel bag and settles in the chair by Carlos’s bed, watching the officer sleep with nothing but the steady beeping of the heart monitor for company.

Sometime after, his phone pings with a text from his dad, asking if everything is okay. TK quickly replies back, telling his dad there has been no change and noticing his phone has less than ten percent power, he plugs it into the charger his dad also packed for him.

TK falls asleep sitting by Carlos’s bed, and he’s woken up some hours later by aches echoing through his body from the position. He brushes a soft kiss to Carlos’s forehead and then lies down on the cot that was set for him. He sleeps for a couple of hours until he senses a nurse come in to check on Carlos, as it happens a few times throughout the night.

Sleep didn’t find TK during the night. Both his worry and the nurses checking in on Carlos every couple of hours combined together didn’t make sleeping an easy feat. He gave up on getting some shut eye, and started going through the side effects of smoke inhalation in his mind.

He himself had gone through it before, however, not as severely as his boyfriend. And quite frankly, it was a bitch to deal with. Uncomfortable, unpleasant and downright irritating. And as much as TK wants Carlos to wake up and to see his boyfriend’s captivating brown eyes, a part of him is glad Carlos is sleeping through the worst of it. Carlos will be feeling much better once he wakes up. He’ll be sore for a while, but the worst will be behind him.

All TK could do was wait as the minutes and hours pass by. He tries reading in the book his father brought him, the one that’s been on his nightstand for weeks, but he keeps reading the same line over and over again. He eventually gives up, tossing the book back into the duffel bag and settles in the chair by Carlos’s bed, watching the officer sleep with nothing but the steady beeping of the heart monitor for company.

Sometime after, his phone pings with a text from his dad, asking if everything is okay. TK quickly replies back, telling his dad there has been no change and noticing his phone has less than ten percent power, he plugs it into the charger his dad also packed for him.

TK falls asleep sitting by Carlos’s bed, and he’s woken up some hours later by aches echoing through his body from the position. He brushes a soft kiss to Carlos’s forehead and then lies down on the cot that was set for him. He sleeps for a couple of hours until he senses a nurse come in to check on Carlos, as it happens a few times throughout the night.

TK is woken up by sunlight shining into the hospital room. He yawns, stretching his tired muscles and his eyes quickly land on Carlos. He wasn’t woken up by the nurse’s last visit and he momentarily worries that something had happened while he was asleep. He sits up, his eyes moving from Carlos to the heart monitor that is still beeping steadily. He’s so caught in his panic that he hasn’t noticed the nurse standing at the end of Carlos’s bed.

She moves her attention from the clipboard where she’s recording Carlos’s vitals to TK. She smiles sweetly at the younger man. “Oh, good morning. Sorry if I woke you.”

“No, no, you didn’t. Haven’t been able to sleep well anyway. Good morning,” TK replies.

“Not comfortable?” She points to the mattress.  

“Oh no, it’s fine, I’m just…worried,” TK points to Carlos.

She nods.

“He’s my boyfriend. Best thing to happen to me in well…as long as I can remember,” TK continues, a small smile forming on his face.

“Injuries like his have a very high recovery rate, and he’s young, strong and healthy, he’ll be back on his feet in no time,” she reassures TK.

He nods. “Yeah, thank you. I’m a firefighter, went through this a couple of times myself but not severe enough for hospitalization. I know he’ll be fine, I just wish he’d open his eyes,” TK sighs.

“The doctor will be here soon to give you an update on when he can be weaned off the sedation and extubated.”

TK nods again. “Thank you.”

“I’m Olivia, by the way,” she smiles at TK.

“I’m TK,” he replies.

“I’m in charge of this floor, so if you need anything, anything at all, you can find me at the Nurse’s Station down the hall,” Olivia says.

“Thank you, that’s very kind of you,” he smiles back.

“I’ll be back to check on him later,” Olivia informs TK before she’s turning on her heels and exiting the room.

And then it’s back to silence, the only sounds coming from the machines attached to Carlos.

TK sighs, leaning forward and clasps Carlos’s hand with his own.

“Hey, babe. It’s just me and you,” TK whispers.

Carlos remains unresponsive.

An hour later, TK’s still holding onto Carlos’s hand and using his other to reply to messages from his team. He had received messages throughout the night and well into the morning, but had just gathered enough energy to start responding.

A knock on the door gets his attention, and he turns to see his father pushing it open and stepping into the room, two cups sitting in a holder in his grip.

The smell of coffee immediately hits TK’s senses.

“Morning,” Owen smiles at his son.

“Hey, dad,” TK replies, mustering a small smile himself.

Wordlessly, Owen pulls out one of the cups and hands it to TK, who gratefully accepts it with a nod.

“How’s he doing?”

“The same, nothing changed overnight,” TK shrugs. “The nurse said the doctor will come by later to give an update and to see when we can wake him up and remove the breathing tube.”

Owen nods. “That sounds promising.” “Yeah,” TK agrees.

“He’s gonna be fine, son.”

“Yeah, I know,” TK says, not fixating much on how his voice still cracks with those words.

He lifts the cup to his mouth and takes a sip of the hot beverage.

“I got you some time off,” Owen tells TK.

TK’s about to say something, as much as he would want nothing more than to spend time with Carlos and help him recover, he still doesn’t want to leave his team shorthanded. But it seems Owen can read his son’s mind, because he’s speaking before TK has the chance to.

“And we’ll be fine in your absence,” Owen reassures him. “Besides, if you do show up to the firehouse, the crew will be the first to tell you to go home to Carlos.”

TK chuckles, knowing that’s true. He’s beyond grateful for his team. His team who became his family.

“How’s your chest? Everything okay?” Owen asks, his voice laced with concern after TK pushes out a small cough.

TK nods. “Yeah, they gave me some oxygen last night after you left, but no trouble since.”

“That’s good to hear, but I still want you to go get your chest checked out again now to be certain there aren’t any problems or late onset complications.”

TK hesitates, his eyes landing on Carlos before moving back to his father.

“It’s okay, I’ll stay with him until you come back. Shift doesn’t start for a while anyway.”

After a moment of consideration, TK nods and gets to his feet. He brushes a kiss to Carlos’s forehead and watches him for a few seconds before leaving the room.

Owen falls into the chair that was occupied by TK. He reaches out and gently pats the officer’s shoulder.

“Hey, Carlos, it’s Owen,” the Captain breaks the silence. “TK is gonna be right back. Everything’s okay, and we’re all here for you. For both of you. You just work on getting better and don’t worry about anything else.”

Owen is leaning back in the chair, going through his phone when TK returns. He looks up as TK steps into the room.

“Hey, how did everything check out?”

“Everything’s fine, nothing out of the ordinary,” TK reports.

“That’s good,” Owen smiles. “No change here,” his smile turns sad.

TK nods, moving forward as his father gets out of the chair, vacating it for him.

“I gotta get to the firehouse, but if you need anything or anything changes, call.”

“I will, dad,” TK promises. “Thanks.”

After sharing a hug, Owen pats TK’s shoulder and with a final look at Carlos, he exists the room.

*****

Andrea stops by the hospital a little after noon. TK hasn’t really moved since Owen had left, he’d get up every now and then to stretch his legs around the room, but always finds himself returning to Carlos’s side after a few minutes had passed by.

He looks up and a smile spreads on his face when Andrea pushes the door open and walks in, holding a brown bag in one hand.

“Hola, Tyler,” she steps closer to TK, glancing at her still-asleep son.

“Hi,” he steps into her arms when she opens them, wrapping an arm around her but keeping his hold on Carlos’s hand with his other.

“How are you doing?” Andrea asks as they pull apart.

TK shrugs. “I’m okay.”

“You haven’t eaten,” she states, not a question. And from the way TK ducks his head, she knows she’s right.

She’s seen this play out endless times before with Carlos, especially during his Academy days. When he’d be so focused on studying, he’d forget to eat.

Andrea chuckles. “Don’t worry, I figured as much.”

She gestures to the brown bag, and the delicious smell of tacos surround TK and his stomach rumbles. A flush colors his cheek as he realizes just how hungry he is.

“Thank you,” TK says. “But you really didn’t have to—”

“Hush now,” Andrea interrupts TK. “You’ll need your strength to take care of Carlitos. I know he’ll want to go back to his own home, no matter how much his father and I would try to convince him to stay with us for a few days, and I know you’ll be with him at home. So let me help you keep your energy, that way I’m helping you both.”

Overwhelmed with emotion at Andrea’s words, he nods, accepting the food and her blessing. He always sensed it was a Reyes thing, giving all you got to the people you care about, and after hearing Andrea’s intentions and receiving her support, TK knows it’s most definitely a Reyes thing.

He excuses himself and slips into the bathroom, both to freshen up before eating and to give Andrea a few minutes alone with her son.

She’s smiling down at Carlos and running her fingers through his curls when TK emerges from the bathroom. They share a quick look before TK makes his way towards the small table placed near the wall where the food is waiting for him.

The room is silent take for the steady beeping of the heart monitor as TK eats, indulging in the bold flavors of the tacos, feeling satisfied as he takes one bite after the other. He cleans up once he’s done, throwing away the now-empty container and foil wrap. He washes his hands and then grabs the chair he was sitting on while eating, placing it on the other side of Carlos’s bed.

He reaches out, taking a hold of Carlos’s hand and running his thumb over the officer’s knuckles.

“His father and sisters should be here tomorrow.” TK looks up, momentarily putting the pieces together.

“They’re out of town for an event,” Andrea explains. “They know what happened, they’ll be back in Austin by tonight but their plane is landing after visiting hours.”

TK nods.

Carlos often spoke about his sisters, TK’s never met them in person (he did get introduced to them during one of the family video chats with Carlos) and he and Carlos had been planning a big dinner with Carlos’s parents and sisters where TK would get to meet said sisters, but then all this happened and well, life had other plans.

TK finds himself getting nervous at learning that he’s going to be meeting Carlos’s sisters in less than a day. Carlos had always reassured him that his sisters like him already and that there isn’t any reason to be anxious, but still, TK can’t help it.

Andrea’s saying something else then, bringing TK back from his thoughts.

“I’m sure Carlos will be awake before they get here.”

“Yeah,” TK agrees.

She studies him for a moment. “What’s on your mind, Tyler?”

“Hm?”

“You look like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders,” Andrea gives TK an empathetic smile.

TK sighs, running his free hand through his messy hair.

“It was just,” he pauses, gathering his voice. “It was a really rough call. On any day, it was bad but this one…”

“Carlos was in that burning apartment,” she continues for him, understanding.

“Yeah,” TK whispers. “And I was terrified. I didn’t want to believe it at first, when they said he was in there…but then I saw his cruiser and he was no where to be found outside. I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared in my life.”

“I can’t begin to imagine being there,” Andrea says. “My heart breaks just hearing about it. But you have to remember, Tyler, you got him out of there, alive.”

“I can’t lose him,” TK’s voice breaks, his eyes filling with tears as he looks up at Andrea.

“You won’t,” she shakes her head. “He’s going to come back to us. Come back to you. You saved him, amor.”

From the way Andrea is looking at him, TK immediately reads into her words. The meaning of her words are oceans-deep, which he catches on through the soft look on her face. She doesn’t mean TK saved Carlos just from the fire. She means that he saved him.

“He saved me, too. In so many ways. I can’t even begin to explain,” a small smile spreads on TK’s face. “I had my walls up when we first got here, I didn’t want to be here. I felt numb all the time, got through the days and they all blended together. But then Carlos walked into my life, with his charm, kind heart and those beautiful, expressive brown eyes,” he lets out a wet chuckle. “I could get lost in them for days.”

Andrea chuckles the same, her own eyes now glistening with unshed tears.

“And slowly, those walls started coming down, and it scared me. It scared me to bits. Opening up in the past almost destroyed me, and I was so adamant about not opening up again anytime soon. I tried running away but I couldn’t stay away from him. There was this invisible string, pulling us back together. There were so many reasons for him to walk away if he wanted to, and I wouldn’t have blamed him. But he didn’t. He stayed, through it all. And I remember the moment I realized I wanted him to stay, and then it didn’t scare me anymore. Opening up didn’t scare me anymore. I knew we were meant to be together. It felt safe. He felt safe. I can’t put it into any other words except that he saved me, in every way a person can be saved,” TK pours his heart out, a tear slips and rolls down his cheek as he looks at Carlos, a gentle smile adorning his face, eyes radiating love and warmth it takes Andrea’s breath away.

“I didn’t know what it was at first,” she speaks after a few moments of silence.

TK turns his gaze to her.

“I noticed a difference in my son,” she continues. “He seemed…happier, lighter. We would see him on Sundays at his Tia Lucy’s place every week, sometimes he wouldn’t stay for long, other days he would stay, but he’d be quiet. But then one Sunday, I looked at his face and saw light. His eyes were brighter, smile wider. It felt like I got my son back. I didn’t know what had happened, and I didn’t ask, but it uplifted my heart. Knowing what I know now, I can tell that that change happened when you decided you wanted him to stay. When you let him in. You breathed fresh air into my Carlitos.”

Andrea gets up and walks around the bed. She carefully sits on the edge of the mattress so she’s facing TK.

She reaches out, taking the young man’s hands into her own and squeezes and her voice is filled with tenderness and joy. “Thank you for bringing my son back to me, Tyler.”

TK’s smile widens, more tears flowing down his cheeks. He looks at Carlos when he says his next words: “We saved each other.”

[shhh-no-ones-home]

care package justin morrow x reader

+++++++++

im back for a bit! i have been writing hellas so i figured id start posting again, at least for a short while. ive been very into pedro pascal and his characters right now though so heads up that might be all i post for a bit lol. i am trying to stagger these so its not all at once but i know that probably wont happen. but until it goes back to normal i hope you guys like these!

prompts:

"Can you please come and get me?"

"Can you tell they're broken?"

"Hey, let me in. I'm outside with your favorite pizza."

Song: im just a kid by simple plan

tag list: @musicsexandpizza69 @svintsandghosts @alilpunkrock @cynic-spirit @theoneandonlykymberlee @joeynihil @thisplace-ishaunted @lifeisabitchandsoareyou @xyours-eternallyx

+++++++++

i sat in the bathroom by myself, holding my hand close to my body. the party outside the door was still raging and i was here freaking out. i didnt know what to do. then it hit me. i reached into my pocket with my other hand and dialed justin, surely he could help. the line rang a few times before i heard his groggy voice.

"hello?"

he asked and i sighed in relief.

"hey im sorry if i woke you up, i know its late, but im at a party and i need you to come pick me up."

i could hear his frustrated grumble, shae talking in the background.

"y/n, i thought we talked about this-"

"no no, i know, but my DD got talked into doing a keg stand and i think i might need to go to the ER."

i said and i heard him gasp lightly.

"the ER? y/n what the hell happened at that party?!"

he asked frantically and i let out a nervous laugh.

"i can explain later, but Can you please come and get me?"

he sighed.

"text me the address."

i smiled at myself in the mirror, wincing in pain as i moved.

"thank you justin, it means a lot. ill see you when you get here."

°°°°°°°°°

i sat outside on the front porch of the house and waited impatiently for justin to show up. my hand was throbbing and the ice katy had given me was almost completely melted. i bounced my leg nervously before hearing his beat up old camry come down the street. i smiled as he pulled up to the curb, standing and walking to the car. he rushed out of it as soon as the engine was off and he came to me with a scared look on his face.

"what happened? are you seriously injured?"

he asked, hands on my shoulders as he tried to look over me for any signs of damage. i let out a nervous laugh before holding my hand out, my middle and ring finger looking rather swollen and mangled.

"Can you tell they're broken?"

i asked nervously and his eyes got very wide.

"why didnt you tell me it was this bad?!"

he asked, pushing me towards the car and opening the door for me.

"i didnt think it was."

i confessed as i got in and he sighed heavily.

"just... try to put your seatbelt on."

he instructed before walking around the car and getting in beside me. he pulled away from the curb quickly and made his way to the hospital.

"how did this even happen?"

he asked, gripping the steering wheel tightly. i could almost see his knuckles go white under the street lamps as we passed them. i shrugged and looked to the road.

"well i was dared to skateboard down the handrail of the stairs..."

i started and he shot me a worried look.

"but dont worry, i told them all no."

he sighed in almost relief, realizing that he was glad i didnt do that but i still end up with broken bones.

"so, since i wouldnt do it, they dared another kid to and he was three sheets to the wind already and gladly agreed."

i said and i could tell he rolled his eyes.

"i guess i just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time though cause i was sitting on the floor in the living room with both hands planted on the ground behind me and when he fell off the skateboard it came at me full force and ran over my fingers."

i said and he groaned.

"of course that would be your luck. havent we been through something like this before?"

he asked and i laughed, nodding.

"yeah, remember that one winter on tour when vinny lost his kick drum petal in transit and the only reason they found it back was because i was unpacking the trailer and it landed on my foot."

he nodded, loosening his grip on the wheel.

"okay, yeah, i remember now. you had three broken bones and had to get stitches."

he said and i nodded.

"yeah."

he shook his head as he pulled into the parking lot of the er.

"come on, lets get you checked in."

°°°°°°°°°

a few days later when i was finally weaning off the pain medications they had given me i was coherent enough to think of a thank you for justin. after all, he did put up with my shit more than anyone else and i was glad to call him friend. i got everything ready and made my way to his place, reinforcements sitting in the passenger seat next to me. when i got to his house i knocked on the door but no answer. i just rolled my eyes, i knew he was home, so i called him.

"yeah?"

he asked. i could tell he was preoccupied and made a face as i stood outside his door.

"Hey, let me in."

i instructed and there was a pause.

"let you in?"

he asked and i shifted my weight, tucking the phone between my cheek and my shoulder.

"yeah, I'm outside with your favorite pizza."

i said and the line went dead. a second later the door was swung open and he had a very excited look on his face.

"to what do i owe the pleasure?"

he asked and i laughed, handing him the stack of two boxes so i could pick the grocery bag up.

"i wanted to thank you guys."

i said, following him into the Livingroom, waving to shae sat on the couch in her pajamas.

"you took care of me, i take care of you."

i said, handing each of them a drink that i had brought as he opened the two boxes.

"you didnt have to do that."

he said and i shrugged, popping my soda open.

"i know, but i wanted to. now dig in before it gets any colder."

i said and he laughed, cheersing our two slices against one another.

"cant argue with that."

[kweebtrash]

Eres Mia (M)

Messy Chapter 8

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Angst, Smut, a smidge of fluff/awkwardness

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: mentions of drugs/alcohol, talks about suicide, the teeeeniest bit of violence, possibility of emotional manipulation, jealousy/possessiveness

Features: unprotected sex, creampies, rough fingering/finger sucking, oral/throat fucking, a little hint of bondage, rough hair grabbing, squirting, overstretching/gaping, daddy/princess dynamics, choking, relentless/brutal/deep thrusting, a bit of overstimulation/multiple orgasms, also being covered in cum

Word Count: 21,103K

A/N: So explanation about this chapter: It has some cultural references that maybe not everyone will get but I can explain them if anyone wants to send me a question about it. If you haven’t figured it out (or even just made a generalization) Eri is afro-carribean (the exact island is left vague on purpose, but it would be in the latinx part of the cluster). There’s also spanish in the chapter and tbh use google translate and if you still have problems again just message me.

Messy Masterlist   Buy me a Ko-Fi    Other Stories

The Boys Group Chat

Taeyong: 5

Lucas: what???

Ten: 5 what?

Taeyong: my score with Eri is at 5.

Lucas: HOLY FUCK

Taeil: OHHH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED.

Ten: how?? When??? What???!

Taeyong: last night. Shower. Against the wall. In the bed twice. And our usual against the door.

Lucas: how tf did u manage that??

Lucas: i thought you hated her

Taeyong: i never hated her. It was just the drama and shit

Taeyong: like at the party i just didn’t want a fight to break out. i didn’t want the cops called or anything

Taeyong: so like i kicked her out but it was just because i knew she would have thrown the first punch

Lucas: well you aren’t really wrong

Lucas: i don’t blame you for not wanting the cops to show up

Taeyong: i had under 21 friends there. I didn’t want them to get in trouble

Ten: how did you even manage to get her to fuck you???

Taeyong: she called me actually. She was drunk af but sobered up before she got here

Ten: i cannot believe

Ten: i haven’t even been able to get with her AT ALL lately

Johnny: wtf is going on

Taeil: oooooooffff this is….

Ten: the tea brews itself

Johnny: Taeyong what did you say

Taeyong: i fucked your girl. She came to me instead of coming to you

Yuta: dude this is…

Johnny: don’t go near her again

Johnny: i mean it

Taeyong: dude i’m not scared of you

Taeyong: yall arent even official

Johnny: i don’t care

Johnny: dont touch her

Yuta: johnny quit it

Yuta: you can’t hog her to yourself

Yuta: just like jae can’t hog quinn

Ten: just admit ur jealous and move on.

Johnny: im not jealous

Johnny: you just dont deserve her after the stunt you pulled at the party

Taeyong: clearly i do because shes been thinking about fucking me for a long time

Taeyong: maybe even while shes been fucking you.

(Johnny has left the chat)

Ten: fuck

Yuta: this is getting fucking ridiculous

Yuta: i mean she texted me like when she was with him i think

Yuta: like she didnt care that she was with him and was being cute with me

Lucas: she flirts with everyone

Lucas: do you think she does actually wanna be with him?

Taeyong: who cares

Taeyong: fact of the matter is shes up for grabs

Taeyong: and if I wanna go after her i will

Yuta: WHOA WHOA

Yuta: you mean try and date her?

Ten: taeyong thats not a good idea

Taeyong: i never said id date her

Taeyong: but if shit happens, shit happens

Taeyong: thats all im saying

–

It was strange waking up in bed next to Taeyong. We had never done that before especially since the last time we were together we had to leave the office quickly. He looked strangely innocent when he slept, his shaggy hair ruffled and sticking up in random places and lips slightly pouted. I watched his chest rise and fall with each soft breath for a moment while I tried to keep my head from spinning. This…might have been a bad idea. I was in my feelings for Johnny and I knew that I only hooked up with Taeyong as a sort of rebound/revenge plot. I didn’t want to tell him that but I was sure we were still platonic enough that it didn’t matter. Taeyong wouldn’t make things weird or messy. This would just be a one time thing…or a five time thing. We may have gotten a bit carried away. He was tentative in the shower, making sure that I was still sober enough to be okay. He washed me, helped me wash my hair, and let the heated water run over me to warm me up. And when he slid down to wash my legs his lips met between my thighs and I couldn’t help but give in to his tongue.

He was no Taeil but he knew enough to make me try and steady myself against the slippery tile and grip onto his hair tightly. It was relaxing to finally get off by being eaten out, to just sit back and let him do all the work. It was definitely something I missed. After the shower, we dried off and he put me into some of his pjs (which were tight as all hell on me) and we relaxed in his bed. I got some more water in me and slowly weaned off the rest of the alcohol. Somewhere in the middle of trying to sleep we got lost in each other’s lips which somehow lead to him keeping me against his bedroom wall and fucking me as deep as he could go. Mid morning came and we didn’t want to get up. So of course the next option was to 69 then fuck me into the mattress. Just when I thought I would finally be able to leave he wouldn’t stop kissing me as I got to his bedroom door and we had a proper deja vu moment of last semester.

By the time I actually got home it was late at night and I was sore as all hell. I left him covered in hickies, scratches, and bite marks- my typical calling card- and he left me wanting to sleep for days. I collapsed on my bed unmoving for hours on end and barely making it to class the next day. Johnny was there of course and I tried my best to avoid him like the plague. That was always the hardest part. When we were on our highs, being next to each other radiated chemistry and we would rather pass the time sexting than paying attention. When we were on our lows, everything was ice cold and I detested even being within his vicinity. He still wouldn’t open up to me or even let me tell him that it was okay to cry. He didn’t need to worry about that with me. Of course he wouldn’t listen and we were stuck in a frozen tundra that didn’t let us move one way or the other. I tried my best to instead focus on studying for once. My grades were alright but they could definitely be better and I didn’t want to have to waste more money repeating classes. I spent my nights hitting the books and hoping I could retain enough information to pass. I was holed up in my room as usual when I heard knocking on the front door and i wondered if maybe Quinn forgot their keys. It seemed a little early for them to come home from being with Jae. I set my textbook down onto my desk and padded towards the living room. When I opened the door I hated what I saw.

His eyes were bright red and he reeked of menthol and weed. He leaned against the door frame, a big grin on his face that happiness didn’t seem to be the cause of. “What are you doing here?” I whispered in disbelief.

“What am i doing here?” He licked his lips and chuckled. “What are you doing fucking Taeyong?”

My eyes went wide. “Did he…did he tell you?”

“He told everyone in our chat. 5 times, huh? That a record or something?”

I backed away from him hating how he was acting and being hurt that what I did was blasted over some group chat. I couldn’t believe Taeyong would do something like that. I had stated plenty of times who i had hooked up with but it was on my terms, with my permission, not like gossiping around a watering hole. “You need to leave.” I swallowed hard and didn’t look at him. My voice was too unsteady for that.

I heard the door snap shut and looked up to find him looming over me. “Not a chance. Not until I make you forget all about that stupid bastard.”

He grabbed onto my sweater and pulled me towards him, easily overpowering me to crash his lips against mine. I clawed at his coat, digging into the soft fabric as I tried forcing myself away. I slammed the side of my fist into his chest and pushed him back. “NO! You don’t get to do this! You don’t get to come back into my life whenever you decide to! I’m not something to have at your convenience and I sure as hell don’t need you to keep leading me on.”

“Leading you on? Where am I leading you too?” His hands still had a hold of my neck and shoulders which I could not shake.

I could feel the tears already trying to come forth but i grounded myself, dug deep within me to stop them. “Leading me to you. I always get led back to you.”

“You don’t want to get led back to me.” He laughed. “I’m fuckin’ useless!”

I grabbed at his hands, wanting them off me. “Stop that! I’m not your fucking therapy and my purpose is not to fix you.”

“I don’t want to be fixed! I want to be fucked!”

“And that’s another layer to your goddamn problem, Johnny! Life isn’t all about diving into sex to make yourself forget! You need to reevaluate what’s going on in your life before you put your hands on someone else’s.”

“I don’t want you to have Taeyong on you.” He kissed me, gentler this time. “Or Lucas.” Another kiss. “Or Taeil.” A small lick. “Or Yuta.” He sucked on my bottom lip for a second before kissing me again. “Or anyone else.”

“You cant have me all to yourself. That isn’t how this works. You don’t want me, you only want what you see on the surface. You don’t give a shit about what’s beneath and you definitely don’t want to see it.”

He released me from his grasp and scoffed. “The surface? I’ve let you dig inside my brain more than anyone else in my life. You’re stuck inside there now, you can’t move. You know how sick i’ve felt, how weak i am, how less of a man i am-”

“Save that bullshit, Johnny! It’s not true! I told you it was okay to cry! It doesn’t mean you’re less of a man! It just means you’re a normal human being. Men can cry. Men can show emotion and they should. I just wanted to help…to be there for you.”

“You’re wrong. I’ve always had to be the man. There wasn’t any room for me to cry!” He screamed. ���You want to talk about not wanting what’s beneath the surface? You’re already there, Eri. You’ve seen everything I could possibly hate to show anyone.”

“And yet you’re coming to me just so you can be buried inside something for an hour or two. That’s what it’s actually like to feel useless and discarded. I know you don’t fucking care and you never will.”

“This is starting to get messy…it’s a clusterfuck and it keeps growing.”

“You just keep fueling the fire.” I said. “I’m not going back. I can’t. My heart can’t take it. I hate seeing you like this. I hate hearing you like this and I want to help. I really do. But i can only take so much before you start swallowing me whole.”

He grabbed me again, pressing me against the door and trapping me between it and his body. “This is how you help.” His breath was heavy against my neck, tickling the sensitive skin there. I shuddered and failed to squirm away from him. “I know you’re not going to fix me. I can do that on my own, eventually, but right here, right now this is what I want.”

“Well i don’t.” The tears fell and i slammed my fist back against the door, pissed entirely that it was happening again. I shouldn’t be crying over him anymore. “I don’t want to be what you push inside of. You don’t want to know what’s really going on with me. You’d run away from me as much as I want to run from you.”

“You think i’d be scared of what you’ve done? What you’ve been through? Its nothing, Eri.” He grabbed my chin and and jerked my head to the side so he could growl in my ear. “I want you. Raw. Dirty.”

“You want me black out drunk? You want me with a broken hand through drywall? You want me bleeding out in a tub with a knife in my hand? You want me laying on the floor unable to breathe and falling in and out of consciousness? You want me running away from the one good thing i’ve ever had in my life?” My voice trembled again. “You want me hiding who i really am from my family? You want me watching myself be the cause of people’s hurt? Because that’s what’s really raw and dirty. Or do you just want to fuck as always?”

He hoisted me onto his waist suddenly, crushing me now to the point where i could barely breathe. I wrapped my legs around his as he shoved his forehead against mine. “Give me it. Give me all of it, Eri.”

I tried not to kiss him, i really did, but my heart shoved me towards it. My tongue slid out to creep into his mouth which he warmly accepted. It was angry, heated, rushed, and broken- like the entirety of our relationship. I was clutching onto him desperately as if I was trying to shock my system back into loathing him. It didn’t matter if I made drunken mistakes or if he made drugged out ones, every time, we somehow found a way back to each other as if we were tied with a string of fate. “Why?” I whispered when I finally caught my breath. “Why don’t you talk to me? For weeks at a time…it hurts…”

“Because i hate the way I feel about you.” He panted.

I licked my lips and hovered them over his. “How do you feel about me?”

He shook his head. “I…don’t worry about it. I’m faded as fuck right now. It won’t matter what I say.”

“Clearly it fucking does.”

“It’s only gonna get more fucked up between us.”

“It already is fucked up! Were fucked up! This whole shit is fucked up! We were supposed to hook up at the summer party and that’s it!!”

“Yeah and here you are fucking Taeyong and Yuta and whoever else you’d let inside you.”

I slapped him. The first time i’d ever wanted to hit him at all. I would’ve never laid a hand on him especially after all he had been through- i never wanted to be that person. Ever. But he crossed a fucking line and that small dangerous part of my brain was a ticking time bomb. He dropped me then and I fell right on my ass. I scrambled to get up as he stood there motionless.

“Dont…dont ever do that.” He whispered harshly.

“I didn’t want to! But don’t you ever come for who I sleep with! You don’t get to do that! You don’t get to be a hypocrite because you’re fucking jealous! What are you even jealous for? I’m not your girlfriend!”

“AND YOU NEVER WILL BE!”

I felt a stab of pain through my chest that hurt worse than anything I had ever felt before. Was this…was this what Jungwoo felt? Had karma finally come to get me and pay me back for what I did to him all those years ago? It felt like I couldn’t breathe but I could definitely feel the tears flowing down my cheeks like a river. His eyes went wide and he took a step towards me. I took one back before sprinting to my room. I slammed the door shut, pressing myself against it and sliding to the floor.

He pounded his fists against it, begging me to open it. I was afraid he was going to break through the wood with how hard he was rattling the door. I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face in my thighs, staining my pajamas pants with tears.

“I-im sorry, ok?”

No you’re not.

“I didn’t mean for it to be like this.”

Well it is now, so fuck you.

“I don’t know what I really want, Eri.”

I guess…i don’t really know either. Should you even be my boyfriend at this point? What would I do once I had you? Would my fear of love go away? Or would you make it worse?

“I like when we spend time together. You’re cool as fuck but we…we cant be like that. You know that right? I don’t get with people and stay with them. We can only fuck…”

I hate you. Go away. Leave me alone.

“I guess i’m broken or whatever you want to call it but i’m not a charity case. I don’t want you to pity me or feel like you have to take care of me. Like you said, it’s not your job. But for right now…this is how I handle stuff, just like how you handle stuff your way, you know?”

By being a drunk partied out mess, i know. Hungry for attention, starving for someone to care for them, and completely barren of love but wanting to fill that void somehow.

“I’m not fine. I haven’t been fine for a long time. My anxiety never used to be this bad. I never even used to have night terrors or panic attacks. It just got worse after…after the first time i got…you know, what I told you about before. Then college happened and it was so much pressure and I wanted to make my mom proud and happy and take care of her because my dad never did. You know even when i felt so fucking empty around Rixi, i didn’t sleep for 2 whole days because I was studying my ass off for midterms just to keep my straight A’s?” He let out a soft chuckle. “I have a 4.0, hookup with dozens of girls, work three jobs, go to the gym, and try and do my art. When i say that i run on energy drinks and coffee i’m not kidding.”

That’s adding to your anxiety, stupid. And so is the weed. And your inability to FUCKING communicate. Why do you have to be such a stupid dumb….MAN all the time?!

“I know that doesn’t matter to you-”

It does because I know you’re hardworking and care about what you do. You’re a passionate soul and i love that about you. You’re so dedicated.

“But i dont know…i guess I wanted to tell you anyway. I’m not making excuses. I know what I do is my own damn fault but i just wanted you to know.”

I shifted slightly and reached up for the door handle, scooting away to pull it open slightly. I peeked my head through the gap and he looked at me, eyes a bit puffy as if he had been crying too. He wiped his nose and made it seem like he was put together in his typical Johnny fashion. I still didn’t say anything but he crept his hand closer to me and extended his pinky. I looked at it for a few seconds before locking mine around it. He was quiet for a bit, the tension remaining thick and heavy. The quietness was only interrupted by a few sniffles from the both of us. I wiped away at my tears, wanting to remind myself that this was proof. This was what always happened. Either i ended up drunk or ended up crying when it came to him. Or both for that matter.

I truly felt like i should continue to make myself suffer with him. One look of those soft brown eyes and honey-sweet lips would draw me in and his soothing voice would whisper caring thoughts and expressions. I saw the blushes he had when he talked to me, the way he seemed embarrassed or nervous, but there were always underlying signs that proved he didn’t like me. Most blatantly when he said-no, yelled- that i would never be his girlfriend. Logic told me to run. When had i ever put a man before me or anyone for that matter? Masochism told me that I enjoyed the pain of being rejected over and over again and that it was a game. Lust told me that i loved when he got jealous and growled in my ear. I wanted him to tell me that I was his as he fucked me so deep and hard that I couldn’t move. Greed told me that I wanted him all to myself. I wanted all the attention, all the love, all of him. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And rationality? That bitch was nowhere to be found.

“What saved you…when you tried to um…kill yourself?”

My head snapped up at the question. It hadn’t been posed to me since I met Quinn three years ago. It was something that I blocked from my brain and never reopened. But this was a test, to see if he could really handle what was fucking wrong with me. I squeezed his pinky tighter and finally croaked. “Daniella. She’s uh…she’s my little sister. I traumatized a 10 year old by bleeding out in a bathtub and she called the police and my mom. She tried to stop the bleeding. She cried but she kept pushing through. She was….so mature in that moment. More than I had ever been. She wanted to be there when they admitted me. My mom didn’t believe what was going on- more so in a sense that she didn’t want to believe that her kid was sick. Just like she didn’t want to believe I was gay at first. Eventually, she saw past it. She saw how much I needed her and how much we didn’t want to lose each other. But yeah…that was…it was Dani.”

“You know, her Quinceanera is in a week and I can’t believe she’s already 15. It’s weird how time flies…how I can’t exactly remember it all.” I continued.

“Are you going? To the party i mean.” He asked.

I nodded. “I have to. I’m like in the…so it’s basically almost like a bridal party. It’s real weird. But they pair us up and we walk down an aisle and Dani will come out with her big poofy dress and everyone will look at her and sing ’Las Mañanitas’ blah blah blah. It’s a precursor wedding and weird tradition I hated. So i never had one. And now, mom gets to put all her spite of her not having one and me not having one into an over the top expensive party for Dani, but you know…don’t help me with my student loans or anything.”

“Oh…sounds like a…journey.” I let out a small laugh and he crept closer towards the gap. I opened the door a little bit more. “It was my mom for me.”

“What?” I whispered.

“I was ready to jump off my school building after I got with her. I would see her everywhere on my social media and around town. I had to hide everything about how she made me feel and I felt like I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I sat on the ledge for a long time, thinking about it and staring at the ground. Just as I decided I was going to jump, I got a text from my mom. It said ‘hi honey, hope you have a great day at school! I love you a lot.’” He rubbed at his eyes and looked away from me. “I still have it saved on my phone- transferred over each time I got a different one. I look at it sometimes when i feel like utter shit. Then I call her.” He sighed deeply and I pulled him closer to me, the door falling open wider. “Have I ever told you thank you?”

“W-what?” I asked, stunned.

“Thank you. For being there for me. When shit hit the fan basically. You and Jae pretty much helped me through a lot. Is that like…a part of working through this? Admitting when you’ve been helped?”

I nodded. “It’s a start…”

He got even closer and kissed me, our pinkies tightening and lips slow and steady. My will was wavering and I was kicking myself again. It never failed. I pulled away and turned my head away from his. He sighed and kissed my cheek. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t make up for a lot of things, Johnny.”

“I know, princess. I know.”

“No, you don’t get to say that word to me anymore. That part is done. It’s only for people who know how to communicate.”

“Ok…” he said simply.

I let go of his hand and moved away from the door. He came through fully, sitting beside me now and set his arm around my waist. He kissed my temple then rested his chin on my shoulder. We stood quiet for a moment, trying to process everything. Nothing had gotten better at all. Everything was more confusing and more painful. I didn’t feel good and I didn’t want him here but at the same time I did. I looked over at his sad eyes, knowing he was truly sorry but still cementing the fact that I would never be his. Hurting was all I was good for and I accepted the karmic punishment.

I grabbed onto his shoulders and his eyes drew themselves to me. I laid nothing but whispers against his lips drawing him in to press himself against me and steal my breath away in a kiss. Gradually, our clothes began disappearing until we were naked in my bed, hands between each others thighs, stroking and thrusting until we were dirty with each other’s release. He didn’t let me go instead opting to grab my hips and keep me flush against me. “I want me on you. Not any of those assholes.”

“I’m not yours…”

“Tonight you are.” He dug his blunt nails into my hips and sunk his teeth into the base of my neck. It hurt with how hard he was biting down but I knew what he was doing; marking me so that whoever i was with next could see the deep bruise he was trying to leave behind. I clawed at his shoulders, whimpering pathetically and about to beg him to stop but he pulled away, pressing softer kisses to the deep marks instead. I shoved his head away seeing the playful smirk he had on his face.

“Ass…”

“You want a bite mark on your ass too?” he asked coyly.

I rolled my eyes and commanded him to get a towel to clean up the mess he made on my stomach. He gave me another kiss before scooting off the bed and heading towards my door. For a moment I thought I imagined it and had to blink twice but i saw him licking his fingers- the same ones that were inside me just a minute ago. He had never done that. Usually he’d wipe them on my sheets or something. I laid back and closed my eyes, tossing away any ideas of what that meant. I felt him on the bed again, gently wiping away his cum off my skin before laying himself between my thighs, his head on my chest. That also surprised me and i wished I knew what the fuck was going on in his head. Was it from all the weed? I didn’t really know how much he smoked before he got here. It could’ve been what helped set off his emotions and express his jealousy about Taeyong.

I wanted to pry at his stupid decisions and actions some more but I was slowly running out of energy to deal with arguing, anxiety, and my mood swings in such a short amount of time. I decided to lay in my self hatred with Johnny on top of me, our breaths flowing together into an easier rhythm. I closed my eyes and set my hand on his head. “Pet my hair.” He grumbled.

“You think that a half fuck is going to solve this?” I said, ignoring his request.

“No. We’re doing what we do best, hurting each other.”

“But why does it have to be like this?”

“Because it’s just who we are, Eri. It’s what we do. It’s how we function together. You want to call it off?”

“Call what off?”

“Being fuck buddies.” Yes was what I should have said. Instead, I shook my head and kept my eyes away from him. “Good…Because I don’t want to stop fucking you.”

“I don’t either…” I said softly. I ran my fingers through his hair now, pushing it back and feeling his sides that were grown out. "Remember when you asked me to feel alive?”

He nodded.

“Do that for me. Maybe me feel like I don’t fucking hate you for what you’ve done. Like i don’t want you more than I need to.”

He stilled against me and didn’t say anything. I could feel him looking at me and when I finally had the courage to meet his eyes I saw that he seemed to be hurt by my confession. Eventually, he mumbled a response. “I don’t want you to hate me.”

"Mostly i hate myself.” I hate myself for loving you.

“Dont, baby…” He turned my face towards his to continue our kiss. “You don’t need to hate yourself.”

“Just shut up, Johnny. Fuck me already.”

“Fine.” He growled and gave quick bites over my breast making me arch against him. I hissed slowly, gripping onto his shoulders and digging my nails into his skin. He morphed his bites into kisses, working to gather my nipple in his mouth to suck slowly but hungrily. Eventually, his kisses got even lower as he discarded my breasts in favor of moving down to the softness of my stomach. A little nibble beneath my rib cage jerked my body towards his mouth, edging my hips into eager swivels. I parted my lips to let out a sweet sigh and a small plead for him to keep going. His tongue dipped into my belly button, making me squirm against the wet heat. I inched my hands back to his hair to return him to my lips and stop his teasing but he had other plans. His hands suddenly came crashing down on my wrists, pinning them to the bed and practically crushing them. I winced at the pain and asked him to ease up but he only snapped at me.

“Shut up and don’t touch me, got it?”

“W-what are you doing?” I asked, nervously.

“Shut. Up.”

I squeezed my eyes shut tight, swallowing hard and full of worry more than sensuality. I tried taking deep breaths but I felt like I was getting more nervous. Johnny was quiet as ever but I could feel his breath tickling against my sensitivity. I licked the dryness from my lips and just as I was about to try and pull away from his hands I felt it. It was small and gentle, just the tip of his tongue working over my clit. My entire body tensed and I remained frozen in place. I feared scaring him, or worse, triggering him. We retreated into minutes of silence that made my heart race with worry. “J-Johnny? A-are you-?”

There were butterfly kisses to my clit before his tongue reached out once again. It covered the entirety of my lower lips, pressing a slick heat over me and gathering the cum left behind from his fingering to trail it back to my clit. He trapped the bit of nerves between his lips, suckling lightly. I knew he was being cautious due to nervousness and unease but it was also amazingly tender and sweet. I dug my teeth into my bottom lip and let out a moan hoping that he would take it as praise and a sign to continue. There was another long pause and my fingers curled in anticipation for more but there was nothing. I opened my eyes and looked down at him.

He was stationary, his eyes glancing over my center and lips trembling. The grip on my wrists got tighter, too tight for even my own liking. “Johnny…you need to let me go.” I said softly.

“No. I-i cant…”

“You can stop now, it’s ok but you’re hurting me. Come up here. Come kiss me, baby.” He looked defeated but saw the pain in my face and finally let my wrists go. I didn’t immediately shake out the numbing feeling and instead waited for him to crawl back up my torso. I held onto him as tight as I could, covering his lips, cheeks, neck in excited pecks. He did it. With me. It wasn’t complete or full or satisfying by any means but it meant so much. “You did so good, baby boy. So, so good.” I cooed.

He hid in my neck and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

I shook my head quickly. “Don’t be. It was good. A great start, ok?”

“I wanted to try…a little at least so you don’t feel like i did when we fucked in the bathroom at the party. You shouldn’t want to feel alive with me because you’re numb. I don’t want that at all.”

“I just wanna feel good is all…” I held onto him tighter. “I don’t want to feel like i’m going to be thrown away.”

“I-i wont…” He swiftly slipped out of the bed and returned with a condom on. He whispered as he pulled my legs around him, pressing himself at my entrance. “I wont…”

“But you can’t promise that.” I swallowed hard and felt him sink into me inch by inch. The rest of my thoughts were voided by the methodical pace of him stretching me open. He ignored what I had said and instead focused on kissing everywhere he could reach as he thrusted slowly. My hands traced the length of his spine, resting in the center of his back and keeping him close. Inside my head I pleaded for him to not go slow, to not be intimate and stir up more dreadful feelings inside the pit of my stomach. Please just fuck me so I can be reminded of how shitty you are. Don’t remind me of how cute and caring you can be. I’m begging you Johnny.

I knew he couldn’t hear me so of course he didn’t stop rolling his hips to have his cock hit every space within me. He was panting softly, gentle moans mixing in every once in awhile. They sounded so precious and I couldn’t help but bury myself in his lips again. His hand pulled mine away from his back just so our fingers could intertwine. Nonono, stop that. For the love of god don’t do this to me.

He squeezed my hand tight and I felt my tears resurface. This is what scared me the most. Not him leaving or him ignoring me or throwing me away. This Johnny, the human, sentimental, emotional man that could have me fall into his arms (and bed) at the snap of his fingers. I was helpless against him and I just craved more and more torture. He kissed away my tears and nudged our foreheads together. “Hey…it’s okay.” He breathed.

It is not okay. It will never be ok. But he took care of me, stilling every so often to regain his composure as i could feel him throbbing and ready for another release. Worst of all was that I wanted him too. I wanted him to feel good, another hurtful self sacrifice because I cared so much about him. I gave him a soft plea to cum for me, which he took instantly. His free hand slipped between us, his thumb pressing small acts of pleasure into my clit as his other hand never left mine. He only squeezed my fingers tighter while my walls squeezed him the same way. Just at the very end his hips made quicker snaps, hitting the back of my thighs and making my back arch from the mattress. And in one fell breath i felt my stomach heat up and the most comforting sensation flowing within me.

My cheeks flushed as I had never felt anything like it before and wondered what the hell did he do differently. Maybe it was because i was so damn love drunk that it made everything seem better when i was with him. It wasn’t until he jerked out of me so harshly that I snapped my thighs shut. “O-ow! Johnny, what the-”

“The condom broke.” He trembled.

“Excuse me?” I couldn’t believe what I had heard.

“Eri. The fucking condom broke.”

I looked down and could see his cum flowing out of me and staining the bed sheets, while the rubber had a slight tear across the tip. Our eyes met and panic slammed into me at full speed. “O-oh my fucking god. Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god.”

“You’re on birth control right?” His voice was an octave or two higher.

“Well no shit! But it doesn’t magically mean it’s 100% full proof! People still get pregnant while on birth control.”

“I’M FULLY AWARE OF THAT ERI.”

“DON’T YELL AT ME.”

“I’M SORRY I JUST…” I noticed him staring at me which made me more uncomfortable.

“What? What else is wrong?” He shrugged but continued to stare. “Johnny. What is it?!”

“Nothing! It’s just…i mean-”

“Oh, you asshole!!” I flung my pillow straight at his face. “I’m literally fucking panicking and you think cumming inside me is hot!!”

“I’M SORRY!!! I’ve never done it before and it just…looks good, ok?!”

“You are the absolute worse and I CANNOT stand you!” I covered my face that was getting heated up by the second. How could he think about that while I was panicking? How could I think it felt good and perfect when i absolutely loathed cum (and was panicking)? We truly were fucking stupid.

“Hey, we’ll be ok. I know we will.” He said softly, reaching for my hand which i pulled away.

“Easy for you to say. You have the easy way out in case that happens.” I grumbled.

He kissed my forehead and laid beside me. “No I don’t, because I wouldn’t leave.”

I turned away from him, shoving my face into the mattress as I felt his cum sticky between my thighs. “Yeah right…”

“I’m serious….i’m not gonna be like my dad.”

“Alright well, we’re gonna stop talking about this. I’m gonna shower and you can go home so I can die in peace.”

“Don’t be so dramatic. You’re not gonna die. It’s just cum.”

“I’m gay! All I am is dramatic!” I huffed as I felt all flustered now and wanted to get away from him. I stood up and cringed at the feeling of it sliding down my leg now. I awkwardly shuffled to pick up my already cum covered towel just to keep me decent enough to get to the bathroom.

“Can you stop saying that? Because i’m like…not a girl.”

I looked back at him. “Well no fucking shit, Johnny. It’s just a blanket term because you wouldn’t understand everything I identify as. Just roll with it. I don’t have time to explain.”

I grabbed my phone and went to the bathroom, locking the door tight. I tossed off my towel and turned on the water, sitting in the tub under the spray so i could suffer in silence. Eventually i ended up plugging the drain so i could sit in hot water for a bit and try and calm my nerves. I tried calling Quinn but didn’t get an answer, even texted them and still got nothing. They were still probably up Jaehyun’s ass or Taeil or someone else. I don’t know. I dialed again and waited patiently.

“Hello?”

“Doyoung, I need you please.”

“Be right there.”

He hung up as that was all he needed to know that something was wrong. I washed up, making sure to get as much of the cum out of me as possible, then rinsed and dried off. As i opened the bathroom door, Johnny was standing in the doorway, hand raised as he was going to knock. I glared at the lit blunt between his lips.

“’M leavin’.”

“Good. Bye. I have someone else coming over.”

He scoffed. “Wow. Okay. Fuck you too.” He turned away from me and headed towards my front door slamming it harshly behind him.

He made me so fucking irritated with his hot and cold bullshit. I trudged to my room and tossed my towel in the hamper, picking up my discarded pajamas and putting them back on. Around 15 or so minutes later Doyoung was in my room with an absolute cringey look on his face. “Look, i’m sorry but i needed someone to tell. You and Quinn are my closest friends and they’re not here. Please Doyoung…i know it’s gross.”

“You liked it…” he whispered.

“Please don’t remind me. I hate myself completely.”

“Why do you keep doing this, Eri? You are literally worth more than that.”

“I don’t know! I wish I knew. I wish I could just leave him but I can’t. Every time I’m mad, he shows me that side of him that I absolutely love.”

“That’s emotional manipulation.”

“It is not!” I protested. “Well…uh…maybe it is? But I don’t think he would be doing it intentionally? Why would he? He can get with anyone. He has gotten with a lot of people. I don’t think I would be any different. After all he blatantly said i’d never be his girlfriend.”

“And how did you feel about that?”

“I cried. Instantly. It hurt so fucking bad.”

“So we’ve come to the conclusion that a) he’s a fuckboy, b) he doesn’t want to be with you, c) he’s emotionally manipulative, and d) he couldn’t care less about what transpired tonight.” Doyoung gave me a shady look which made me shrink away like a scolded puppy.

“Well technically he said he would be there for me and then I kicked him out so…”

“And now you’re sticking up for him?”

“I’m not! I’m just stating facts. Doyoung, i know you’re totally and completely right. But i just…it feels weird. It feels different somehow.”

“I’m kind of sick of giving you advice and you ignoring it. It makes it seem like you don’t even care what I say.”

“No i do!” I grabbed onto his arm, sadly. “I do! i swear! I’m just a fucking idiot. I like to fuck up everything and keep myself down.”

“Why can’t you see that there are better people for you? Even ones that are right in front of you?”

I rested my head on his shoulder and set my hand in his, squeezing tight. “Doyoung, how can I…how can I stop when i love him?”

“It’s not easy to stop loving someone but…no offense- well a little offense because this is going to be hard to hear- you stopped loving Jungwoo because he loved you too much, you can stop loving Johnny because you love him too much too. You can run away and leave without giving him any explanation.”

I pulled away from Doyoung completely.

“I’m sorry for saying that and hurting you, but maybe it’s the kind of shit you need to snap out of it.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead. “And if you’re so worried about what might happen I can go to the pharmacy for you.”

“I-i just need time to think…” i said quietly.

“Well, you’ve got three days until it’s ineffective-or less effective or whatever. You can let me know ok?”

I nodded and felt him crush me to his chest. I held onto him for a long time, happy to feel a friends pure love rather than the tainted mess from my heart.

–

Johnny’s POV

“FUCKING SHIT!” I threw the beer bottle I just finished against my wall, watching it shatter into pieces. What the actual fuck just happened between Eri and I? Tonight was fucked up- no, beyond fucked up to the point where I just ended up more confused and angry then I was before. I paced back and forth across my room while thoughts zoomed in my brain. I tried to break everything down and figure out what i could so I could attempt to get my mind straight.

I was pissed off at Taeyong. He was such a smug little fuck about hooking up with Eri, blasting it all over the chat. And why were they counting how many times they hooked up with her like it was some sort of game? I didn’t want him anywhere near Eri. She was mi-. I stopped pacing for a moment. She wasn’t mine. She is not yours Johnny. She is NOT yours.

My pacing resumed. He didn’t deserve to touch her. And neither did those other assholes. I wanted her to myself. She’s mi-. As i grew close to the door i slammed my head against it, not too hard but enough to try and get it through my skull that Eri was not mine.

I had told her she would never be my girlfriend because I was angry. I knew it hurt her the second it came out of my mouth and I wished I could’ve taken it back. Our conversation was so back and forth she probably thought I was crazy. One minute I was mad, the other I wanted to be with her, comfort her, be inside her and make her feel good. I didn’t want her to feel like shit because of me but I was failing horribly.

What even possessed me to touch her like that? So slow and gentle? It felt like I was having an out of body experience and I watched who I wanted to be for her come out and take over. It was what I wanted to give her for the longest time. Something more stable to hold onto rather than whatever the fuck I was now. But that didn’t go over so well for my feelings. I was faded and more emotional than ever, a bad combination. I wanted to tell her what I felt for her but i don’t even think i’m too sure myself. Feelings were there but what kind? Did I have a crush? I liked her? Wanted to keep being fuck buddies? Did I love her? My body shuddered at the thought. I had never been in love before so how could I know?

I’ve always wanted to be in love and have someone to care about. I knew familiar love and friendship love but not romantic love. I wanted to take my girlfriend to the beach, to Korea, to visit countries across the globe. Take pictures of us for vacation scrapbooks and eat everything we could ever dream of. Go hiking with her and hold her hand so she wouldn’t trip on a branch and hurt herself. Laugh when we thought of a memory we had together or hold her as she cried. But i was also scared shitless of all of that. Could I even be that good of a person to her? I didn’t want to end up being a carbon copy of my dad. Why would I want to be the cause of my love’s suffering and leave them behind with a kid I didn’t care about?

Fuck.

The stupid condom.

I tossed myself onto my bed and groaned. I was scared of that too. I’m only 23 and work at a fucking coffee shop, what the hell was I gonna do with a kid? I’m sure we were gonna be okay but…it still made me a little queasy. Except for the fact that I thought cumming inside her was fucking hot. I was a complete jackass for thinking about it at a time like that but I couldn’t help it. Like me: worried to all hell and back about the condom breaking, also me: holy hell I want to do it again. I facepalmed myself and let out another frustrated groan. I was ready to just throw myself out a window rather than face my embarrassment and mistakes. Now Taeyong was probably going to be up her ass and I swear to god if he got with her I was personally going to go to his apartment and kick his ass.

I sat up and started taking off my clothes, figuring I could just sleep all this shit away and ignore it. I flung everything to a corner of my room and reached over to shut off my desk lamp. I noticed my little keychain that I had got at the bookstore resting on the desk. I picked it up and shut off the light before snuggling deep under the blankets. I kept the keychain close to me thinking of nothing but Eri as I went to sleep.

A week had passed since that weird half fight/half fuck between us and I was starting to get a taste of my own medicine. I hated not hearing from her and I found myself constantly checking my phone to see if by chance I missed anything. She hadn’t even posted on any of her social media that I followed her on. Whenever I would hang out with the guys at lunch none of them talked about her, not even Lucas. I had no idea what was going on. I tried to keep myself busy with school work but found myself thinking of her more than I needed too. Sometimes those thoughts implanted little sinister buds of sinfully delicious fantasies and in the midst of being hurt and confused about where we stood I was jacking off to thoughts of her more than I needed too. It was multiple times a day, whenever I was at home and it was starting to get on my nerves. I shouldn’t have been thinking about her like that when I was the cause of most of this mess but it couldn’t be helped. I was a stupid slut and would rather focus on that then the pain I caused her. I was in the middle of rutting against my hand and mattress only a few seconds away from cumming when my phone beside my pillow lit up. The brightness in the darkness of my room distracted me and I look at the screen, ready to ignore the notification until I saw who it was from. I wiped my hand on my sheets and snatched my phone up, unlocking it and going to the message.

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: hey

I typed in my simple response quickly.

Hey

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: come over

Fuck…did she actually want to hook up?

What for babe?

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇:  we need to talk.

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: asap

Talk about what?

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: come over and i’ll tell u dumbass

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: I mean it

Give me like 15 mins. Im busy

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: fine but dont keep me waiting.

I bit my lip and set my phone aside. It made me nervous to think about what she wanted to talk with me about. A small part of me was hoping that I could still get laid and have amazing makeup sex. But first…

–

Eri’s POV

I hated that I had to do this. With every fiber in my entire being. It was definitely up there with one of the worst decisions I would have to make. I didn’t want to talk to him or even make him think that I had forgiven him. I had purposefully ignored him like he had done to me so many times before. Even when he sent me the occasional text I left him on read. It felt good to have that power but I had to cut my reign of terror short when I realized that my problem needed a solution and fast. Time was running out and I exhausted all my resources. I knew I was going to regret this but it had to be done. My stomach was in knots as I waited for him. 15 minutes was a lie, it was over a half hour before he showed up at my place. His hair was damp and he smelled of fresh cologne and soap. I stared at him quizzically when I opened the door. He smiled at me, looking like he was happy to see me while I was mortified to see him. He wasn’t wearing anything fancy either. Just a white crew neck and some skinny jeans and winter coat but he still looked so damn good. Stupid fucker.

“Sooo…” he started, chewing on his bottom lip a little bit. I yanked him into my apartment and dragged him towards my room, slamming the door behind us. “Oh shit, ok.” He grabbed at his shirt, about to take it off when I stopped him.

“No! None of that!” I swatted at his hands. “That’s not what I called you over here for.”

“Oh…” he said, dejected.

I rolled my eyes. “Look, i don’t have any other choice. You were the last person on my list, so don’t like flatter yourself.”

“What is going on? You’re making me suspicious.”

I sighed. “Will you be my boyfriend?” Oh jesus christ no, not what I meant!!

“Excuse me WHAT?!” He screamed.

“AHHH FUCK, I MEANT PRETEND. PREEEETENND. PRETEND TO BE MY BOYFRIEND!!” I tried to correct myself.

“AGAIN, WHAT, AND I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, THE FUCK?!”

“Ugh! Okay okay, back peddling.” I took a deep breath trying not to fuck this up even more than I already had. “Just hear me out ok?”

“You better start talking asap, bro!”

“I need someone to come with me to my sister’s Quinceanera this weekend. I have literally asked every single one of my guy friends and they’re all "conveniently” busy. I seriously need help.“

"Why can’t you take Quinn or something?!”

I sighed. “Johnny, if I show up with a girl as my date my grandparents would disown me and it would make a huge scene at the party and I can’t take that away from Dani. My family has this thing where they obsess over asking me if I have a boyfriend or not. I’m the oldest cousin so according to them I should be married and pregnant by now. My mom tries her best to keep them at bay but if I just show up with someone they will at least be civil for this party. Please. I don’t have anyone else. I wouldn’t be asking you this if it wasn’t a huge deal for me.”

“Well that sounds like a personal problem. Sucks to suck.”

I was shocked that that was actually his response. It was a good effort I guess but I was stuck doing this alone. I hoped to all hell nothing would happen that would ruin this for my little sister. It was completely stupid that my family judged me based on who I loved or wanted to be with, that every question about my life had to revolve around me having a man. It always started with a blanket question, one that seemed innocent enough, but then veered into “when will you get a boyfriend?” territory. Not only that but I still had to be on the down low whenever I was with them. Dani knew and so did my mom who was still working to be supportive but that was it. I knew I couldn’t tell other people in my family. If I went alone I could just suck it up and be miserable the whole time which at this point looked to be my only option. “Sorry to bother you…” I said as i sat down at my desk. I lowered my head onto the top and tried to figure out a way to smooth things over with my family for one night.

“Eri…is this really that serious?”

I raised my head up and looked at him. “Yes. I just want things to go right with this, for her sake. I’m literally the black sheep of the family. I’m darker than everyone, my hair is curlier, i’m queer, i play in a heavy metal band, i’m not ultra feminine, and i’m as far away from traditional as possible.” I tried again to convince him. It was turning out to be more pathetic than I hoped for. “I will promise, like absolutely promise, to be nice and civil with you if you do this for me. Please Johnny?”

“What do I get in return?”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Whatever you want. I’m too desperate to fight you on this.”

“Anything I want? You’re serious?” He asked. I could almost see the deviousness going on in his head and instantly regretted it. But I swallowed my pride.

“Anything.”

“Ok. I’ll think about what I want and let you know. I gotta dress up or something?”

“So you’ll do it?” I practically jumped out of my chair.

“Yeah, i’ll do it.”

“Fuck, you stupid bastard! You’re the best!” I threw myself on him, wrapping my arms around his neck in a tight hug. “It’s tomorrow night. We have to drive two hours to get to where I live. It won’t end until late so we can get a motel if we’re too tired to drive back.”

“A motel, huh?”

“Don’t even start, please.” I went to pull away but he set his hand on the small of my back, keeping me close.

“Tell me what you want me to do.” He lowered his head towards mine, getting dangerously close to my lips. I swallowed hard.

“W-well…wear something nice and don’t be an asshole. Um…pretend like I’m the greatest thing to ever grace your life? Hold my hand or something…or hold me in general. Follow all my lies and try to remember them. Be prepared to be grilled by every woman in my family and subject to a bunch of sexist and misogynistic comments from my stupid uncles. They’ll be some kids there running around and loud ass music. Um…you may have to dance with me.”

“Oof…I’m not a great dancer.”

“It’s fine, i don’t dance much either. Oh and don’t get drunk. Oh! And don’t let me get drunk. I think that’s the gist of it. I may think of other stuff on the way there. Is that all ok?”

He cupped my face in his hand while the other held mine. He lowered himself to my lips and kissed me gently, barely teasing my tongue with his own and making my heart feel like it was about to burst. When he pulled away my lips kept following him not wanting to let go. He chuckled softly and looked directly at me. “Mi amor, siento que no puedo vivir sin ti.”

I shoved him away. “BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK?!”

He cackled loudly, clutching at his stomach. “Is that “boyfriend” enough for you?”

“Where the hell did you pull that from?!”

“You said it’s a Quinceanera right? I figured I could put my 6 years of Spanish class to good use. How’d I do?” He was still laughing up a storm while I was ready to call off the whole thing. I couldn’t believe he would be able to possibly understand my stupid family.

“How much do you know?” I asked.

“Enough. I’ll mess up every now and again but I think i could pull off a conversation if I needed to.”

“Christ. Ok…If they say something to you just pretend you don’t know anything. I know they’re gonna talk shit and then you can come back and tell me. That’s all we’re gonna do, ok? Ok. I’m gonna throw up.”

“Why? I won’t mess this up, okay? I know she’s important to you. We’ll be civil remember?”

I looked up at him and nodded. “Thank you, Johnny. Seriously.”

He shrugged and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “It’s cool. So what time is my hot date picking me up?”

“Probably around 4, i’m sure I’ll need to help set up and stuff. And help with makeup. We can get dressed at the motel because I do not want to walk in heels in the snow and i also don’t want to mess up my dress. Where I live my mom said that the snow is more melted and they have clearer sidewalks so I should be good there.”

“Alright, sounds good…so…what’s our plan for tonight?”

I raised my brow, confused. “What do you mean?”

“I came all the way here and I figured we might…We could practice for being a couple tomorrow.”

“You’re going to give me a bunch of hickies and I can’t have that.”

“That’s the pot calling the kettle black. All you do is bite and scratch like a little chihuahua.” He laughed.

I stomped my foot down and huffed. “I am not a little chihuahua!”

“How about I make them where everyone can’t see? Then we won’t have any problems, hmm?”

I crossed my arms and pursed my lips together, hating how devilishly convincing he could be. He was a natural born flirt and it made me want to punch him. I nibbled my bottom lip contemplating if I should really give him the satisfaction. He pulled his coat off and yanked his shirt over his head, showing me his perfectly toned chest and how low slung his jeans were. Asshole. I grabbed onto the waistband of his jeans and pulled him close so we could crash our lips together. He pushed me back onto the bed and crawled on top of me, shoving his tongue past my teeth and coaxing me to moan in his mouth. I grabbed onto his shoulders and shoved him down so I could roll on top of him. “What’s the real reason you were late?” I asked as I dug my nails into his stomach.

“Jacking off.” He grabbed at my tshirt and tried pulled it up but I shoved his hands away and pinned his wrists down.

“I knew it, pig.”

“You act like you don’t do it. How many times have you showed me what you like doing when you’re alone, hmm? When we facetime and I call you late at night?” He teased.

“Shut up, Johnny. You’re so fucking annoying.” I dove my head down to bite at his chest, leaving harsh kisses in my wake. He tried moving his hands but i kept him pinned, liking the fact that he was the one squirming for once. I moved just a bit lower to land a few bites before licking through the center of his chest and up his throat. His entire body practically caved in on itself with how hard he shuddered.

“Fu-fuck…” He licked his lips and tossed his head back, moaning deeply. I blushed as I watched, feeling myself become victim to how good he looked. I resisted the urge to suck on his neck and went back to his chest, taking his nipple into my mouth. I knew this would truly make him squirm but i didn’t expect how hard his hips would buck. I moved my head away from him to over hover his face.

“You’re not being a very good boy are you?”

He opened one eye to glare at me. “When am I ever?”

“I think I should stop. I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow.”

“Oh don’t you play that game with me, Eri! That’s not fair!”

I moved away from him completely and made my way over to open my bedroom door. “Out.”

He sad up with an incredulous look on his face. “You’re kidding?!”

“You’re being bad so you get nothing. C'mon now.”

“I’ll be good then! Whatever the fuck that means!”

I shook my head. “I’ll pick you up at 4, ok?”

“Fuckin’ hell!” He got up, his jeans visibly tighter and pulled his shirt back over his head. He grabbed his coat and made his way out of my room with the biggest pout on his face. Just as he had stepped out of the door frame he turned back to me. “Can I ask you something?” He propped his forearm above his head on the frame and looked down at me.

“What?”

“Besides us freaking out…did you…did you like it when I came inside you?

My entire face felt like it was on fire and took a step back as if that would somehow prevent him from seeing my embarrassment. "I-i-i-i have n-noooo idea what you’re t-talking about!” I stuttered.

“I mean, did you like the way it felt inside you? Like how hot or how deep it was?”

“Please stop talking!” My voice was now a squeaky whisper.

Johnny smirked and ran his tongue over his teeth. “I guess that answers my question, doesn’t it? See ya tomorrow, Eri. And don’t forget, you owe me one.” He winked at me and headed towards my front door, leaving me more flustered than ever.

–

I spent the whole two hour ride telling him about which one of my aunts would grill him the most and which cousin got pregnant first and who’s baby daddy was a complete failure and which of my uncles was most likely to get drunk and cause a scene. I was sure he wouldn’t remember any of it but I was trying to over prepare him for the shit show that was my family. I also needed him to make a good impression so it would look like he was actually happy to be dating me. Fake dating me of course. We checked into the motel first and I spent most of my time being frustrated with my hair and trying to curl it the way I wanted it. It just barely cooperated and i wasted about half a can of hairspray trying to keep everything in place.

My makeup was more softer and neutral than normal to go with my pastel pink floor length sweetheart neckline dress (which made me feel lowkey so pretty). Dani’s theme colors were pink and mint so I was able to at least wear something I would like. Just as i had slipped on my gown i realized there was no way I could reach the zipper in the back. I huffed and squirmed, trying my damndest until I finally gave up. I opened the bathroom door just a crack and peeked out. My heart basically exploded and I wouldn’t normally say that my basement could flood in two seconds but this was definitely one of those times.

Johnny was checking himself out in the large mirror on the other side of the room. He wore black pinstripe pants that hugged his ass like a dream. The sleeves of his dress shirt were rolled to the elbows and a fitted grey vest covered his torso. He adjusted the black tie around his neck, fussing with it until he seemed comfortable enough. He had an extremely nice watch on one wrist and a silver chain bracelet on the other. A few simple rings decorated his fingers and his black dress shoes seemed to sparkle in the fluorescent lighting. His hair was even freshly faded and his bangs trimmed and slicked back. Lord have mercy I wanted to die. I swallowed hard and took a few deep breaths before I called out to him.

His honey brown eyes shot up to look at me and I gripped the handle of the bathroom door tighter. “What?”

“Could you um…help me zip my dress?”

He sauntered over to me I tried to keep myself within the tiny gap of the open door but he pushed it open leaving me exposed to all of his handsome glory. He found the zipper and slid it up slowly, making sure the fabric didn’t get caught in it. “Do you want me to tie the sash thing too?” I nodded meekly and felt his hands smooth over the fabric under my chest and slide back to gather the ends to tie into a bow. It was such a simple thing to do but it had my body turning warmer by the second. I caught him looking at me in the reflection of the mirror above the sink once he was done. He looked shocked, licking his lips as if he was trying to say something but not being able to get anything out. I turned my head back towards him.

“Do I…do I look okay?”

He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. “Yeah, you look alright.”

“Oh…” I said softly. Just alright.

“I mean like you look good, you know? Um…yeah, real good.”

I avoided looking at him as I slipped out the bathroom. I didn’t have that much time left before we had to head over and I still had to wiggle my feet into heels that I was sure would break my ankles as soon as I got into them. I struggled to get them strapped around my ankles, huffing when my boobs got in my way as I doubled over to reach my feet. I sat down at the small desk and tried to angle myself another way but it was still just as frustrating. “Need help with that too?” He asked.

I nodded, defeated and he came in front of me, landing on one knee. He slid my dress up to my thigh and took my foot in his hands, delicately securing the straps around my ankle. I couldn’t help but feel like Cinderella in that moment, even if my so called prince charming was a fuck boy. “Thanks.” I said softly as I stood up. He rose to his feet too and it was weird to almost be face to face with him, instead of staring at his chest.

“Oh, i don’t like this.” He joked. “I’d like you to stay mini sized.”

“Yeah well they won’t be on for long. They’re already killing me. I just need to get through the walk and first dance and then i’m tossing them.” I nibbled my lip for a moment before pressing them to his, which seemed to catch him a little off guard. “Hmm, it’s nice to not have to stand on my tiptoes to kiss you.”

“Hm, let’s hope that walk goes fast. I don’t like those heels either.” He smiled at me and offered his arm. “Ready now?”

I grabbed my clutch from atop the desk and nodded. “You have the room key right?”

“Yep.” We headed out of the room and towards the parking lot to my car. “You know, the pastel pink is really nice with your skin tone.”

I straightened up at his compliment. “You really think so?”

He opened the door to my car and lead me to sit down. “I know so.”

I laughed nervously. “A-are you practicing your boyfriend skills?” I tried to make it sound like a joke but he just shrugged and went over to the passenger side to get in. I swallowed hard and clicked my seat belt into place before revving up the engine. “Oh, remember how I said if I told you my government name I’d have to kill you?”

“Yeah?”

“Well you’re going to hear it tonight and if you so much as ever repeat it you won’t have a dick, got it?”

“Why not? It can’t be that bad!”

“Trust me, it definitely is.”

–

“ERIANNALISSE!”

I cringed. I cringed hard and wanted to shrink away into a minuscule molecule and be non existent. I didn’t even want to look at Johnny to see what he was going to say. I could practically hear him trying to cover up his snickers. I sighed and put on a fake smile as my aunt came to me with arms wide open to capture me in a death grip hug that could snap my spine in half. “Ay, mija! Look at you, you look so pretty!” She paused. “Have you gained weight?”

“Nice to see you too, Titi.” I grit my teeth and tried to ignore her shade. Her eyes went over to Johnny, looking him up and down and squinting her eyes a bit.

“Eriannalisse, quien es este?” She asked who Johnny was.

I grabbed onto his arm, digging my nails into his bicep. “This is my….boyfriend, Johnny.”

He waved and grimaced through my death grip. “Hi. Nice to meet you.”

“Hm…” Was all my aunt said. “Titi Carmen has been wanting to see you. I’m sure she’d want to meet…Johnny.”

“Yeah, i’ll go see her in a bit! I have to find mami and Dani first.”

My aunt kissed both of my cheeks and left to go join the gossiping group of women in my family who all suddenly turned their gazes from their champagne flutes to Johnny and I. I turned my back towards them and looked up at Johnny. “I will literally pay you .25 cents to kill me. Just make it quick.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Eriannalisse. What’s the worst that could happen?”  He smirked and laughed a bit which made me frown.

“Johnny, I told you don’t call me that. I’m serious. They can call me that because they don’t recognize who I am as a person. You can’t.”

“O-oh…is it a gay thing? Like one of your gay things that you won’t explain to me?”

I sighed and looked down at my feet. “Yeah, sort of. I’ll explain it to you eventually. Just not now ok?”

He took my hand in his and gave it a squeeze. “Ok, i’m sorry. I won’t say it again.” He leaned down just a bit and gave me a soft (rated PG) kiss which made me smile.

“It’s just hard being around them…I wish it would be a fun time but-” I suddenly heard vicious clacking before arms were thrown around my shoulders.

“ERIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!” I recognized the overly excited voice and looked up at my modelesque baby sister. “I missed you so much!”

I kissed her cheek and turned around to properly hug her. “Hey, happy birthday.”

“You’re like almost my height!” She said, looking down at my heels. Dani was so graciously blessed with being 5’8”, skinny, with straighter hair and caramel skin as opposed to my milk chocolate. Her eyes were the perfect shade of hazel with flecks of green that sparkled perfectly. She was only my half sister as our fathers were different but we were raised both the same, save for the fact that she was a model and I was the throw away. “You look so pretty. I’m glad you’re not in black- Yooooooooooo, who is THIS!?” Her attention turned to Johnny, her eyes wide and mouth practically watering.

“Uh…hey.” he said sheepishly.

“This is my boyfriend, Johnny.”

Dani laughed and slapped my shoulder. “No, really!? Who is he?”

I pouted. “I’m serious. He’s my boyfriend.”

Dani looked at me then stepped up to Johnny. “What’s her favorite color?”

“Pastel pink.” He answered.

“Favorite food?”

“Pizza…and pasta.”

“What instruments can she play?”

“Guitar, and she sings.”

“What’s her favorite anime?”

“Sailor Moon.”

Dani squinted her eyes. “When’s her birthday?”

Fuck, he didn’t know that. I grabbed Dani’s arm, trying to get her attention from ruining our facade. “Dani, can you not grill him please? It’s bad enough Titi Lisa and probably Titi Carmen are talking shit about us already. Also, I haven’t told mom yet.”

“You haven’t told mom yet?! How long have you been dating?”

“It’ll be four months in December.” Johnny added. “We started dating right when the semester started. We have a class together and I thought she was cute so,” He shrugged. “Here we are.”

“Yeah but you’re hot. Eri has never dated anyone this hot before.”

“Well gee, thanks Dani! And i’ve dated cute people before!”

“Yeah cute, not hot. He’s hot. If you’re not going to keep him, I’ll take him.”

“You’re fifteen!” Johnny and I said at the same time.

Dani shrugged. “I mean…”

I held my hand up. “Don’t even go there. He’s like-” How old was Johnny anyway? “Way older than you. Stop being an instagram thot for once. Where’s mami? I need to know when she wants us to line up and start this.”

“I think at 8 exactly, but she’s running around like a chicken with her head cut off. I’ve just been chilling with my friends for now. This dress weighs like 50 pounds and I’m sweating like a whore in church.” Dani fanned at herself and hiked up the bodice of her dress. I looked at her poofy dress that was a beautiful array of soft Monet colors but way too 90’s barbie cake topper. It wouldn’t have been my first choice but I was sure mami wanted it to look as traditional as possible. “Oh, by the wayyyy, I know you have a boyfriend now but mami invited Josue.”

I straightened up completely when I heard that name. Josue was my childhood crush. He was older than me and I never stood a chance with him but we always played together. Once we kissed in my backyard and told me that he wanted to play house with me and be the daddy. I had been in love with him up until I was 12 when he moved away to a different state. “Jo-Josue? He’s coming? Here? Tonight?” I squeaked.

“Who’s Josue?” Johnny interjected.

“Josue is Eri’s big ol’ crush from when she was younger. All they did was play house together and be mommy and daddy and make kissy faces at each other. Then they kissed for real and he touched her chichi’s! But they never lived happily ever after because he moved away.”

“Dani, por favor, why do you have to be like this? I’m just happy to know he’s going to be here. I haven’t even seen him in like…almost 7 years. Besides I’m with Johnny now so it doesn’t matter.” I forced his arm around my waist and he clutched onto it tightly.

“Uh-huh whatever. Have you not followed him on Insta? There’s a lot of nice gym pictures. He hit a growth spurt. He’s like 6”3’ now.”

I swallowed hard. “Really? O-oh wow…”

“Sounds like a tool.” Johnny scoffed. “Ya’ll got beer at this place?”

Dani nodded towards the bar at the back of the venue. “Just fight my uncles off before they drink them all.”

“Cool.” He dipped out completely, leaving me and my sister to be swept away by our mother who had just stepped in like she was out of breath. She hustled to get us all lined up and ready like a bridal party ready to walk down the aisle. I sighed as I stayed in place, shuffling a bit as my feet already started to hurt. My mind started wandering to my childhood crush. Memories started bubbling to the surface; he had been my first kiss, the first to get to second base, and the first person I had wanted to be my boyfriend. He was three years older than me and I didn’t stand a chance with him. But his name was written all over my notebooks until I got my first girlfriend.

I couldn’t help but peek around a bit, wondering if he was already in the venue. I didn’t have much time to investigate as our entrance music started playing and pair by pair we walked into the main dance floor. I was walking with one of my younger cousin’s who I rarely spoke with so I barely paid attention. He had to yank me back a bit when I walked too fast and it made me want to punch him. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Johnny leaning against the back wall nursing a beer and watching me intensely. I smiled in his direction, letting him know I was still trying to be civil but he just took another sip and shoved his hand into his pocket. I wondered if he was ignoring me on purpose or if he genuinely didn’t see me. I chewed on my bottom lip almost getting swept up in my thoughts, that was until I saw Dani walking into the room.

Even though I had seen her just minutes ago now that all eyes were on her she looked sparkling and glowing. I’d never seen her look so beautiful before and it brought tears to my eyes that I tried wiping away as soon as they surfaced. I was a proud sibling then. She meant so much to me that I hoped that this day always reminded her of the happiest times she had in her life. We had our ups and downs but for the most part I was always there for her as much as she was there for me. She embarrassed me and I made sure I had to keep her in place before she got too out of hand. Even though I was far away from home now, I knew we would always remain close.

The floor was hers now and we dispersed to let her have the spotlight. I retreated to one of the circular tables while her and our mom shared a dance. It was normally meant for a daughter and her father but since neither of us had them in our lives our mother was the one who deserved to have that dance. I felt a touch on my shoulder and turned to see Johnny sitting behind me at the table. “Want some?” He said, offering the beer which i denied.

“I hate that kind. I’ll leave you too it.”

“She looks nice.”

“She’s a little shit but I love her.”

“I could say the same about you.”

I whipped my head around to stare at him wide eyed. “W-what?”

“I meant like you’re chill! Like i like you. Not like like you but like we’re cool. Uh…you know.” I stammered.

“Right…yeah, um…ok.”

“You wanna dance?!” He said, changing the subject quickly. Dani and my mother had finished their sentimental dance and the dj had switched to some reggaeton/trap mix Dani most likely requested.

“Uh, you mean make a fool out of ourselves?”

He shrugged and chugged down the rest of the beer in a few gulps. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad. My cousins were already grinding with whoever they invited or dancing in groups and laughing. We could probably blend in without being too weird. I kicked off my heels and stood up, extending my hand for him to take. I should’ve had a drink before I even agreed to this. My stomach was already in knots and my anxiety was making me feel like I was going to look stupid but he took my hand and we found a spot in a little corner of the dance floor. I stood in front of him waiting for him to make a move but he just stood there with his hands in his pockets. Why the hell did he keep doing that? Was it a nervous habit?

“So…” he said.

“Are you gonna like…move?”

“I’ve never danced to this sort of music. What do I do?”

“Literally it’s the same as rap music in english. You just sorta…” I gestured towards my family. “Grind on each other and act a fool.”

“So you turn around and just like put your ass against me?”

“Oh my God, have you never done that before?”

“Listen I was a dork and went to high school with a bunch of white kids and we like listened to Ke$ha and Britney Spears. What do you want from me?” He laughed.

“That’s unfortunate.” I joked. I turned around so my back was against his chest and I set his hands on my hips. “I’m not the best but I figure I can put my ass to use.” I worked myself back against him, swaying to the music a bit in hopes of getting him to respond.

Instead he laughed nervously and held my waist tighter. “How do people not get boners doing this?”

“I mean that’s what the song 'Too Close’ is about. Don’t tell me this is turning you on already.” I teased.

He lowered himself to face level and turned my head towards his to kiss me. I held it for a bit, enjoying the way the warmth of his tongue flowed over mine until I realized if my mom caught me doing this my ass would be grass. I pushed him back gently. “Johnny! I can’t do that. Behave!”

“C'mon, I at least need to have a little bit of fun while I’m here. And then when we get back to the motel we can-”

I felt a tap on my shoulder then. Johnny and I both looked up to see a tall, absolutely golden, green eyed adonis that looked like he could pick me up and toss me around in an instant. If I could have heart eyes I definitely would. I let go of Johnny instantly, almost pushing him away as my heart started to skip beats.

“Eri!” I knew it was him instantly even if puberty hit him like a freight train and gave him a deep bass-y voice that made my hair stand on end. He opened his arms to scoop me up and crush me to his barrel chest which smelled of high priced cologne. My feet dangled just a bit when he lifted me. “I can’t believe it. I haven’t seen you in ages!”

“Oh my god, Josue…Jesus, you’re huge.” God I hoped he was huge everywhere.

He laughed and I tried not to show how much it affected me. “Oh yeah, I’m really into that health and fitness thing. You really uh…wow. Definitely not a teeny bopper anymore.” He set me back down and adjusted the sleeves of his suit jacket.

“Yep! Got bigger boobs now, haha!” Why did I say that? WHY???

He licked his lips a smiled a bit. “I can definitely see that.”

Johnny cleared his throat deeply. Josue turned his attention to the man behind me. “Oh hey, I’m Josue. Who are you?”

“I’m her boy-”

“This is just Johnny!” I interjected with a nervous laugh. “Just Johnny! Want to go get something to drink? We can catch up!”

Josue flashed his incredibly perfect teeth. “Yeah I’d love that.” He set his giant hand against the small of my back ushering me away from Johnny.

“Eri!” Johnny said sternly.

“I’ll just be quick!” I mouthed to him, letting myself get whisked away. He didn’t seem too happy about that but I could let him sulk for a bit. I was too preoccupied at the moment anyway.

–

Johnny’s POV

That was fucked up. Way more than fucked up and I was pissed off beyond belief. She was the one who begged me to come with her so she would survive her family. Now she was head over heels for some dude she had a crush on years ago who looked like the biggest douchebag to ever exist. He was taller than me and more built, had perfect teeth and no lisp. I wanted to punch him dead in the jaw.

I didn’t know what to do now. If I went after her it might cause a scene which I didn’t completely want. I still knew that this party was important to her sister and unlike her I wasn’t being an asshole for once. I could get another drink and maybe get away with being a little tipsy but her loud uncles were hogging up the space and the bartender’s attention. I grumbled as I sat back down at the table. my arms crossed as I contemplated leaving her and going back to the motel by myself.

"What are you pouting for?!” Dani said as she plopped down next to me, her poofy dress seeming to expand.

“Nothing.”

“Where’s Eri?”

“With precious Josue.” I said bitterly.

“Ah, so he finally found her. I knew he would.” She drummed her nails on the table thinking over her next statement. “You’re not dating my sister are you?”

“It’s complicated…”

“You’re fuck buddies?”

“Yes.”

“I figured as much. She can’t never lie right when it comes to me. So, you’re in love with her then?”

I snapped my head towards her. “Excuse me?”

“You’re in love with her right? I mean that’s the only reason you would be sulking over her because Eri went off with her new papi.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not sulking.” She was definitely Eri’s sister with how she blurted out things without consequence.

“Look, if you want to win her over you need to definitely do something that will make her remember you. Not that I want to hear about my sister’s sex life or even think about her getting p or v action, but if you got something she might like, go for it. And do it before she ends up going to Josue’s hotel.” She craned her neck to see where Eri and that asshole had gone off too. “Looks like he may have already given her his number.”

I looked in the same direction, my anger only getting stronger. They were huddled over their phones, laughing, with Eri casually (but noticeably) keeping her hands on him. I didn’t want to “win her over”. I wanted to stake my claim and tell him to fuck right off. The grip on my biceps got tighter the more I stared at them. “Ay, you got a younger brother?”

I turned my attention back to Dani, a bit grateful that she was distracting me enough to not go apeshit. “What? No? I’m an only child.”

“Wack. But like if you’re not gonna date Eri then likeeee…”

“You’re fifteen! I’m not going to jail nor am I interested.”

“Ok, ok…but like do you have any younger friends? What flavor Asian are you? Chinese? Or like them ones that dance on tv? The um…the Korean ones!”

“Oh my God.” I ran a hand over my face. “Yes I’m Korean. And no I don’t have any friends your age. My only young friend in Toronto is 18, which is still illegal.”

“Dammit. You know Eri be listening to that stuff right?”

I pulled out my phone, wanting her to take a hint that she was now annoying me without being too rude. “Doesn’t surprise me when she fucks half of Asia.”

“All her hookups are with Asian guys?”

“As far as I’m aware. But who fuckin’ knows.”

“Oooohhh I gotta mess with her about that. Guess she trying to get that carribean dick now.” She cackled and slapped my back hard as she got up. “Call me, ok?!” She said as she finally left me to join the gaggle of teenage girls that were her friends.

I rubbed my temples and took a few deeps breaths. I needed a smoke, badly. I looked to see if Eri was still stuck to Josue’s side but they were nowhere to be found. I looked around the dance floor trying to see if they might have gone there. Sure enough she was grinding on him now, definitely not as awkward as she had been with me. She was practically bent over and ready to get fucked by him. Fuck it. I stood up and weaved through everyone dancing to make my way over to her. I stood in front of her, watching as she came up from shaking her ass.

“Can we help you?” Josue yelled over the music to me. I rolled my eyes at him and took Eri’s chin in my hand giving her a deep kiss. She stumbled back a bit and gripped onto my vest. When i pulled away i licked my lips, tasting the slight flavor of her lipstick.

“Johnny!” She exclaimed.

“What the hell are you doing?” He asked, in his macho voice, trying to one up me.

“Oh, you didn’t know?” I grabbed onto Eri’s waist and kept her close to me. “She’s MY girlfriend. You had your fun catching up right?”

“Eri, you didn’t tell me-”

She looked panicked as she glanced between us. “No, wait- It’s just-”

“Come with me.” I growled in her ear. “Now.”

“Johnny , I swear to g-” I kept my arm around her waist and lead her towards the front door of the venue. When we were in the clear she whipped around to face me. “What the actual fuck?!”

“I should be asking you the same thing! You’re really gonna ditch me to throw yourself on him? After you begged me to come here?!”

“I wasn’t throwing myself on him! We haven’t seen each other in 7 years! So excuse me if I wanted to talk with him.”

“Hard to talk to him with his dick practically in your mouth! What is wrong with you?!”

“Why are you being such a jerk again! You always do this!” She yelled.

“You’re the one being the jerk this time! I’m fuckin’ pissed. When are we leaving?”

“Leaving?! I have to stay here for at least a few hours! Clearly you don’t know how these go.”

“No, Eri, i fuckin’ don’t. But I do know that you going off with someone else while I’m supposed to be your boyfriend blows our entire cover. So either you fucking act right or I can leave right now. You sister already knows were lying.”

“Fuck!” She stomped her foot and sighed. “I knew she would figure it out. She better not tell anyone.”

“I’m pretty sure she won’t have to with you being stupid. Get me my cigs from your purse wallet thingy.”

“Get you-? Get it yourself! I’m freezing and I’m going back inside. And maybe i’ll still be talking with Josue!”

I grabbed her arm and held onto it. “Eri, do you want to go there? Really want to go there?” My eyes caught hers and i could see how hard she swallowed. Her chest was heaving chest a bit and trembling with the cold.

“What are you going to do?” She sniffled.

“Do you want to find out?”

“M-maybe.”

I let her go then opened the door, guiding her back inside. “Then keep it up. I dare you.”

She stayed quiet then but shuffled ahead of me quickly. I realized I had made her walk outside without her shoes on or our coats but it was whatever at this point. I needed her to know that I wasn’t playing games any more. She was mine.

–*

Eri’s POV

I could barely keep up with Johnny’s long strides from the parking lot to the door of our motel room. He continued his little tyrade of sticking by me and keeping me from Josue, never letting go of my hand, or my waist, even when he went through the ringer of meeting more members of my family. Him being pissed off had me pissed off and it didn’t help when my family told me how fat I looked, or asked when Johnny and I were getting married, or why I had spent so much time in college, or even that what I was studying wasn’t going to get me a real job. It made the entire rest of the night absolutely fucking miserable. Not to mention when I told my mother I was going to spend the night in the motel with Johnny instead of driving home at midnight she blew up on me, saying that it wasn’t right and insisting that I stay at the house. I refused to and I had no idea why she still thought I was some sort of Virgin de Guadalupe or some shit. It was another fight to end this magical night. I gave up and just wanted to take a hot shower, put on my fuzzy pajamas on and possibly smoother Johnny with a pillow as he slept.

Johnny barged into our room, not even bothering to hold the door open for me. I didn’t even want to deal with him since I was still mad at my mother for treating me like a child. I went straight to prepping for my shower, tossing my clutch and fake eyelashes on the desk and my phone on the bed so i could plug it in to charge. I unzipped the dress as best as I could without his assistance and shimmied out of it, leaving it a puddle in front of the bed. I didn’t care anymore. Not one bit. After I showered I pulled the too short towel around me and went back into the shared space. Johnny was sitting in the chair, feet propped up on the desk and tie loosened. He was glaring at me and I swallowed hard at the intensity. He dropped his legs and leaned forward in the seat, undoing the first few buttons on his dress shirt.

I tried to ignore the effect he had on me and instead went to my duffel bag to try and find my pajamas. He stopped me as I passed by him, grabbing my wrist and pulling me in front of him. “Ow! What’s your problem now?!” I asked, still trying to clutch onto my towel so it wouldn’t fall.

“This night was complete bullshit. I’m your boyfriend and all you could do was throw yourself onto that guy and embarrass me in front of everyone.”

“I wasn’t throwing myself on him!” I argued again. I hated that he was saying that. So what if I found Josue incredibly attractive and felt like a preteen again as soon as I saw him? That was my business and not Johnny’s.

“You grinded on him, got his number, and had your arms around him for minutes on end. You made me look stupid. I’m your boyfriend, Eri.”

“Fake boyfriend.” I corrected.

“That’s what I meant.”

“Why should you be embarrassed then?!”

“Because your uncles didn’t think that I was man enough to keep you with me. And your aunts talked shit about me all night.” He pressed himself up against me making the edge of the desk dig into my lower back. “You said you were going to be civil and you were far from civil.” He set his hands on either side of my hips, keeping me in place.

“A-ah, Johnny…back u-up.” I whimpered and avoided looking at him but he grabbed my face roughly.

“You wanna try that shit again, Eri? Hmm?”

I could feel his fingers digging harshly into my jaw. “I didn’t do anything wrong! You’re just a jealous prick that-”

He pulled away from me and shoved me back onto the bed, instantly hovering over me. My towel fell open just like my legs and he pinned both my wrists above my head in one of his large hands. I swallowed hard and felt my heartbeat increase. I had no idea what had gotten into him and i was partially thinking about what Doyoung had said about Johnny. Was he actually trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad for being with Josue? I bit my lip as I thought, wondering what his next move would be. “Get off me.” I tried to sound strong but it was a pathetic attempt.

“Open.” He demanded.

“W-what?” What the hell did he want? I figured it out quickly as three of his fingers dove down my throat almost making me gag. I squirmed against him, trying to edge my head away but he was adding more of his weight onto me as his fingers plowed into my mouth. His knee was pressed right into my center, the residual wetness from the shower dampening the fabric. I tried swallowing around the invasion when his knee started to rock into me.

“Suck harder, Eri.”

I didn’t dare look at him. His voice was doing something to me as always. Stirring the pot of emotions and hormones that made me fall into a space of complete submission. This wasn’t like his usual ways though throughout or hookups I could see the dominance poking through. Now he was another person that I was desperate to get to know. I tried my best to suck deeper at his fingers, sliding my tongue around them and providing them all the wetness they hopefully needed. I knew exactly where they were going and i was going to be stretched far beyond my imagination. With his thrust his rings kissed my lips, shocking me with a bit of cold and excitement. I edged my tongue around the silver as best I could given the invasion that took up most of my mouth. Slowly the metal warmed up and I pressed my thighs against his, feeling a tingling throughout my center.

He pulled his hand away sharply, making me cough as his glistening fingers dove lower. Two were rushed inside me making my knees jerk up towards my chest and toes curl. I was already crying out his name, wanting him to slow down just enough for me to catch my breath and adjust but he ignored me. Instead he was working in the third finger, forcing my walls to flex and waver around him. He was already digging my arousal out of me. I could hear it so blatantly echoing in our room. I buried my face in my arm beside my head, still being unable to free my hands though I struggled as much as I could. He seemed to like that struggle as his fingers curled deep inside me, knuckles pressing against my entrance, the rings threatening to push past and fill me up too.

“Fuck, Johnny!!!” I cried out as my thighs almost snapped shut. It was starting to be too much and I could feel myself already crawling towards an orgasm.

“Quiet.” Was all he said as he pulled his fingers out to give me some relief from the pressure. I was throbbing and gaping around the stretch he left behind, my whole lower half practically trembling. He finally let me go and sat down on the bed. He splayed his legs open, unzipping his dress pants and beckoning me over to him. “Get over here.”

I shook my head, raising myself to my knees and shrinking myself away. I wasn’t scared of him, far from it. I was definitely turned on more than anything but I wanted to push him further than he had ever been capable of. He wanted to be a jealous boyfriend that pushed my buttons well I was going to push right back. “You’re being a jerk. I’m not giving you the satisfaction, especially after you decided to barge in there with your giant ass fingers!”

He lurched forward and grabbed onto my arm before I could wiggle away. He yanked me to his chest then gripped the back of my neck hard. Our eyes met before he pulled me close to his lips. “I like it better when you don’t talk.”

I squinted at him, almost in shock that he used my own line against me. “You fucker.”

He pressed me down towards his lap though I tried to resist as much as I could. It was no use as he was stronger than me and I was face to face with his growing length trapped within his briefs. His hand was now digging into my hair keeping me firmly in place. I landed a bite to his hipbone making sure he knew I wasn’t too pleased in the way he was handling me. He hissed out my name and arched his hips, his nails digging into my scalp. I wrapped my hand around his, trying to pry his iron grip away while adding kitten licks to the outline of his cock. That seemed to soothe him a little as I heard him exhale through his nose as he relaxed back against the wall. His nails quit marking my skin and he opted to push my hair away from my face gently instead of trying to rip it out.

I slid his briefs back and guided him towards my mouth pressing kisses down the shaft before licking back up to the tip. Once I got to the tip, I took him in, swallowing his head completely. I shifted my hips to raise my ass higher for him to look at knowing it would tease him. I looked up at him and saw the full pleasure that was written across his face. His eyes had closed, his lips pressed together, and his fingers trailing down to open more buttons on his dress shirt. I popped off him and placed kisses up his stomach with each new area that became exposed. “I can tease that little spot that you like.” I smirked and added a slow stroke to his cock.

“Actually, I have a better idea.” He shoved me down onto my back and straddled my shoulders, his cock now hovering above my face. I couldn’t move with his weight on me and I was trapped between his thick thighs. He tapped my lips with his cock which I absolutely hated. I slapped at his stomach but he remained stoic. He only moved to shove himself down my throat, propping one hand against the wall while the other kept my head in place. He worked quickly to rock his hips against my face making me claw at him. I wasn’t used to this sort of thing, even with all of my experience, and it hurt like all hell. I was trying my damnedest not to gag around him but it was impossible given the fact that he was ramming into my throat. My eyes watered and tears fell against my will. My nails dug into his hips as I silently begged for him to slow down.

He was moaning my name, more than he ever had before, completely lost in the pleasure of torturing my throat. He looked fucking amazing, I had to give him that much, even if I hated what he was doing to me. I loved the way his hair was coming undone from the gel he used, the way his dress shirt lay open and his tie dangled above me like an invitation. The way his thighs stretched out his dress pants was a dream and I wanted to touch every part of him. I reached for the thinner end of his tie, pulling roughly so it zipped up to his throat. He lurched back at the sudden pressure and looked down at me. He must have seen my fucked up state because he pulled out, leaving me grossed out by the messy spit that connected us still.

"Fu-fucker. That hurt” I croaked.

He pulled off me completely before lifting me up to sit in his lap. He wiped away my tears and I buried my face in his neck, clutching onto his vest. He kissed at my cheek, pulling me away from hiding. “You ok?”

I sniffled and nodded. He worked his hands over my sides and hips trying to soothe me more. Of course he couldn’t help himself and gripped my ass tight which made me laugh just a bit. “I’ve never done that before…”

“Really?” He asked, surprised.

“Ok, I’m a hoe but like there are some things I haven’t done before. You have to remember you dick is huge, dude. I’m small.”

He gave me soft tender kisses and tucked my hair behind my ear. “I know, princess. I’m sorry. But don’t think you’re getting away with this shit either.”

I pouted and crossed my arms over my chest. “I stand by the fact that I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Hmm.” Was all he said before he tossed me face down onto the bed. I looked back at him as he discarded the rest of his clothes, dangerously holding his tie in his hand. He mounted me, as I was completely his to take and wrapped the loop of the tie around my wrists, pulling tight. “You like this don’t you?” It was supposed to be a command but I could tell it was mostly an uneasy question and he needed permission to continue.

I nodded and smiled at him. “I like it a lot, daddy.” I gave him a quick kiss sealing my consent. I threw out my rule of not using our titles with one another since he couldn’t actually communicate but in this moment I need him to know that I was his to command and I was giving him as much power as I would allow.

He wrapped the length tie around his fist, keeping a firm hold on it. His other hand jerked my hips up while his knee nudged my legs apart as far as they could go. My ass was raised, arms outstretched, and my body was trembling with excitement. His first thrust was swift and hard. I could hear his hips snap against me and I was barely able to hold myself up in that moment. My arms shook weakly and I dug my fingers into the sheets as my mouth curved into a silent moan. He was almost too deep for me to handle and every slam into me seemed harsher than the last. I couldn’t really keep up. It was overpowering and I wanted to scream my pleasure into the tiny room though I could barely even mumble a word.

My fingers curled as I tried to send tension to my arms instead of my weakening legs. It was useless though and I could feel my stomach tightening. He landed a slap to my ass just as I tried to pull away from him and regroup. I hissed and bowed my head, breathing out his title again. Suddenly, my phone buzzed by my head, the screen lighting up and distracting me. I turned to see who it was and winced. This was the worst time for him to call.

Johnny pressed my head into the mattress and sped up his brutal thrusts. “Why don’t you answer it, Eri? Let him hear how good you’re getting fucked. Tell him who’s really your boyfriend.”

I opened my mouth to say anything but all that came out we’re soft croaks. I panicked when I saw him reach for my phone and I struggled to move to try and block him. “D-dont, please don’t.” I was finally able to say. He let go of his grip on the tie wrapped around my wrists and instead set it around my neck. The call disappeared much to my relief.

“What a shame Eri. Let’s see if he calls back or if he took the fucking hint.” I swallowed hard and nodded, biting into my lip to try and still my moans. He quickly latched his teeth into my neck, sucking deeply like he always did when he wanted to mark me. “Stay on all fours, got it?”

I propped myself back to my elbows as he forced my thighs to rest on the outside of his. I could hear his moan of satisfaction at the sight of me splayed open with his cock stuffed inside me. I wanted to shy away and hide but he wouldn’t let me of course. He resumed his grip on the tie, pulling it taught around my neck and constricting my air flow. My eyelids fluttered and i wondered if this was heaven. Jesus, it felt so amazing even if every muscle in my body felt like it was burning and my insides were a scrambled mess. While he made my back dip by pulling my neck by the tie I felt his other hand slid down from my hips to my wetness, flowing over my clit. I was grateful for the extra attention and wiggled my hips to rock back against him and dive further into his fingers.

His finger started to trail from my clit to dance around my gaping entrance and just like before he pressed the long digit in little by little until it was almost as deep as his cock. I pleaded for him to stop, it was too much, too overwhelming for my overly sensitive walls but he kept working away at my torturous pleasure. That, coupled with his thickness, made the tendons in my legs strain as bliss shot through me. My moans mixed in with my strangled pants as he dared to press a second finger into me.“J-johnny!!” I rasped. “It’s too much!!”

He pressed his body weight harder against me, keeping me pinned so I would have no way from escaping the overstretching. “You’re not going anywhere.” He whispered harshly in my ear, making me shudder. He curled his finger then, the pressure of his knuckles against his cock, and the sliding of his rings against my heated walls made me clench meekly around him. Johnny enjoyed seeing me writhe beneath him, seeing me try and focus on being a good brat when in reality I was starting to unravel into a brainless mess. Nothing had a hold on my attention like the buildup he was creating inside me. I could barely process the words he was saying to me with how fuzzy my senses were. He curled his fingers deeper getting right to the root of my pleasure. The head of his cock was edging as far as it could go within me, his fingers pressed into the perfect spot, and his thumb brought back smalls swipes and circles against my clit. It was a haphazard clusterfuck of intense sensations that all culminated into a harsh orgasm that sent my mind reeling. It felt like my cum rushed out of me, painting my thighs with a deep warmth that was astounding.

I squeezed my eyes shut as my entire frame trembled. My muscles seized, tensed, and finally gave out. I fell forwards, collapsing onto the bed in a breathless heap. My lower half practically felt numb and I tried to concentrate on not passing out. It wasn’t just the physical fatigue, the mental and emotional fatigue of the entire day weighed on me in that moment. My few seconds of recuperation was cut short when Johnny pulled his fingers out of me. I felt another gush then, making me a bit confused as to how wet I really was. It definitely felt different and I could hear Johnny make some remark though his words weren’t registering. He said something else and I nodded weakly, agreeing to whatever he had posed just for me to have the ability to relax soon.

But that was definitely wishful thinking. He yanked me almost to the edge of the bed and continued his brutal fucking. I let him grip onto the back of my thighs as he huffed out growls and moans. He was swelling inside me, making me wince yet encourage him with mumbles that I thought were words. His fingertips dug into me harder and that sweet heat spread throughout my body again. I smiled and relished in the feeling of him pumping into me, slower and slower, until he milked himself completely. I laid there, unmoving and enjoying the way he felt inside me like I always did until I i lost myself in sleep.

–*

Johnny’s POV

I felt her move beneath me and there was a stickiness and sweatiness between us. I groaned as I didn’t really want to move but I needed to break away and get some air. My hand was over hers, my body curled around her, and my cock of course still inside her. It was almost perfect save for the giant wet spot we were forced to lay in because she squirted everywhere. We had both fallen asleep almost immediately after and i just adjusted her in the bed for me to have enough room to spoon her. Now everything made me feel like I needed an hour long shower. I rolled away, letting go of her hand and putting my forearm over my eyes to block out the bright light of the room. How long were we even asleep for?

She mumbled something and groaned, blinking a few times before fully looking at me. “Hey.” She sounded like she had smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day for the past 40 years and I cringed at my handiwork. She tried clearing her throat but opted that it was too sore and winced in pain.

“Hey…maybe you shouldn’t talk…” She glared at me and I shuffled a bit away so she wouldn’t attack me.

“I feel gross. Why is everything wet? What happened?”

“What do you mean what happened? We fucked?”

“No, no, I know that. But I was so tired at the end-” She paused to rub at her throat. “I felt like half asleep. It was good though but I was worn out.” She laughed softly.

“Well, you’re welcome for that but like…do you even remember your orgasm?”

She nodded quickly, her smile beaming. “Oh yeah.”

“You squirted everywhere and basically we’ve been laying in the soaked sheets because we’re dumb as fuck.”

“Wait…squirted? No, i can’t do that. I’ve never done that.”

“What do you mean you cant do that? You literally did. Twice. The first time when you had your big one and then when i pulled my fingers out. It was like…not how they make it out to be in porn. Like not some weird super soaker spray but like-”

She held her hand up to stop me. “Please don’t describe it any further. I just…holy shit.”

I pulled out of her slowly, never getting used to that amazing feeling. It got me every time. It also sent my cum dripping out of her which was almost as good of a sight as her squirting. “Fuck…”

She wiggled a bit, a look of discomfort on her face. “What the hell?”

“We’ll now we got my cum on the sheets…” I said, partially annoyed. We really had to get them off this bed.

“DID YOU CUM IN ME AGAIN?!”

Her yelling caught me off guard. “Yes? I asked you this time and you agreed!”

“When?!”

“What do you mean when!?”

“I’m sorry if I was too fucked out and tired to freakin’ listen to you blab during sex! But you can’t be doing that! It freaks me out!!!”

“Hey, i asked to cash in my favor and you definitely said yes so I did it. It is not my fault.” I sat up slowly and inched my way to roll off the bed. “Come on. We need to get these off and I think I’m gonna take a shower.”

“Aren’t you worried at all?” She said softly.

“Me? Not really. I told you it’ll be alright. We’ve got everything covered.” It was a lie but I was blinded by how good it felt sexually and I also didn’t want to make her panic more than she already was. I told myself I’d stop after this one last time and not risk it anymore. She didn’t move and I could tell she was overthinking again. I went over to her and scooped her into my arms, holding her bridal style. “I’ll have you get the shower started while I take care of the bed. She held onto my neck and buried her face in my chest as I walked her into the bathroom, gently setting her down in the tub. “You ok?”

“Y-yeah…” She reached up and pulled me in for a kiss that I held for a long time. It wasn’t deep or passionate but more so intimate and warm. I sighed and cupped her face.

“Go, ok? I’ll be right back.”

I pulled away from her which seemed to be getting harder and harder each time. Even if it was just back into the room it felt like a million miles away. I tore off the soaked sheets, glad that the comforter was still mostly dry, and tossed them in the corner of the room. I said a silent apology to housekeeping and hoped to all hell they wouldn’t look at it directly when they put it in the wash. I padded back to the bathroom and slipped in behind her.

“Turn around.” She said and I gave her a questioning look. She sucked her teeth. “I was just about to get the…stuff out.”

“Eri, i’ve literally seen you every which way. Do you really think I care how you look getting my cum out of you?”

“JUST DO IT.”

I sighed and turned around, picking up the little motel bar of soap and ripping off the plastic. I waited for her to finish, getting impatient about being in the cold spot. “Dude, hurry up.”

“THERE IS A LOT OK? You don’t cum like a normal human being!”

“Apparently neither do you, Splash Mountain.”

‘OH MY GOD. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.”

I snorted and looked back at her. “Can I please get under the water now? I’m freezing.”

She switched spots with me and I finally got under the hot stream, thankful to wash away a whole nights worth of sex. My time under the stream by myself didn’t last long as Eri snuggled up next to me, her hair a soaking mess of waves that framed her face and made her look like a painting of a goddess. “Too cold. I want to be next to you.”

“You big baby.” I joked and ruffled her hair. She pouted and poked at my stomach making me squirm away. Our antics made our shower way more fun than it should’ve been, mimicking the perfect time we had in the tub before I freaked out on her. It was almost like a do over and I was appreciative of that fact. Once we were done and dried we curled up, facing one another, under the comforter. And although we were both fatigued, we stood up for hours talking about shit I never even dreamed about knowing about her. By the time the sun rose I was able to realize that one thing was for sure. I was in love with her.

–

We thought everything would be fine after that, and it was between us, but on Eri’s side things seemed to hit the fan one after the other. Their grandpa, who was back on the island they were from, fell ill. Their mother didn’t let them have a say in anything and whisked them away, making them leave school and work behind. There was a looming threat that they could be fired or even lose their financial aid which worried them just as much as their grandpa’s health. Each night they were gone we would facetime just so I could see them. I missed having them beside me whenever I wanted and it wasn’t even about the sex anymore. I genuinely found that I liked talking to them. There was never any judgement and I started to understand why certain things were important to them. Now I had to be there for them and help them stay strong even though I knew they were crumbling.

I was laying on my side, my phone propped against the wall, as I watched them cry. There wasn’t much I could do, or even say, at this point but i remained on the video. They apologized over and over for crying so much but i reassured them that I didn’t care. They let me know that it was okay when I cried and I wanted them to know the same. “I miss you..” They hiccuped.

I sniffed and cleared my throat, swallowing my own emotions. “I miss you too…you know you have to be there. It’s going to be okay.”

“He’s gonna die Johnny. I know it. I visited him today at the hospital and my mom and my aunts just keep putting this weird bandaid on it. They keep thinking he’s going to bounce back and be able to take care of the house and my grandma and he wont. He literally wont. I don’t know why they won’t just fuckin’ say it.”

“They’re scared, Eri. They’re losing one of their parents. It’s always going to be scary.”

“I know that but I hate being the only fucking rational one here. It’s driving me insane. Just look at him and say he’s going to die! He’s just going to die, Johnny. He’s going to…” They burst into another round of tears and buried their face into a pillow, muffling the heart wrenching sobs. I wish I could be there. I wish I could hold them so fucking tight and never let them go. It hurt me to see them like this.

“Baby, look at me, ok?” They moved their head up and wiped at their eyes. “When you come back here, i’ll be here for you ok? It’s going to be hard but I’ll help you get through this. And so will Quinn and stupid ass Lucas and all your other friends.”

I finally saw them crack a small smile which made me feel a little better. “I know…I-” Suddenly, someone burst into their room. I couldn’t make out who it was exactly as the video started to pixelate. They had a conversation that I couldn’t understand but seemed stressed. They grabbed their phone and finally the video came back into view. “I have to go. I-I’ll talk to you later, ok?!” Before I could even respond the video was cut off and I had my own disturbance burst into my room. I shot up in bed, looking at Jae who seemed to be distressed. Great, was everyone around me having issues at once?

“Dude, what the-” He held his cell phone out in his shaking hand and I could see a call from an unknown number going on. “What?” I asked, still confused.

“Talk. Talk now.”  was all he said.

I took the phone tentatively and held it to my ear. My body went into shock as soon as I heard the voice that had haunted me for weeks on end. The voice that made my skin crawl and make me want to vomit. What she said next drenched my blood run cold.

“Johnny, I’m pregnant.”

[nailbatss]

Hoodie Pt. 2 - Christopher Velez

Pairing: Chris x Reader

Warnings: mentions of cigarettes, dealing with addiction, some angst, language

Notes: This is a part two to Hoodie, which I wrote for a writing challenge for @cloudfiveclub . If you haven’t read that, you can read that here. Italicized paragraphs are flashbacks of moments from (Y/N) and Chris’ relationship. I hope this was worth waiting for and that I did decently. Hope you enjoy! Also, I don’t speak much Spanish. Forgive me for any mistakes I made! I love you guys🖤

I felt more dead than I ever had. After things got bad, I got into a slump that caused me to think more deeply about my decisions. I needed to stop being so headstrong about my addiction. I didn’t want to admit it, but this was becoming a huge problem. Not only did this cost my relationship, but it was also an expensive habit to keep up. That last cigarette I had was between my fingers as I spoke to my mother on the phone. I had broken down, sobbing into the receiver.

“Baby, you’re going to kick this in the ass and get rid of it. I know this is hard for you, but I know you. As my child, I will be supporting you 100%.” I collected myself and I nodded, “Thank you, Mama. I’m going to go now.” I said I loved her before hanging up.

The end had burned up the stick, meaning I lost the embers. I had lost interest and I discarded it into the ashtray. Picking up the glass dish, I started to empty it into my trash can. After I kicked this addiction, I wouldn’t need it. It would be one less demon hanging around here. Scoffing, I picked up the glass dish and threw it away completely. Any packs that I had laying around the house had been disposed of, and I kept my lighters for my candles. I found their scent brought me more comfort than the nicotine and regret.

The smoke had really impacted me and killed my love for any sweets. When Chris and I were together, he used to take me to this small coffee shop. I would eat anything and everything in that store if he would let me. He would get the caramel horchata drink they had and I would get the java chip. The coffee brought me comfort when I needed it, energy when I needed a boost, and a good time whenever Chris was here. My heart hurts thinking that I can’t have any of it now. I hoped that my tastes would change when I got better.

Chris and I were sitting in the small corner booth, laughing up a storm after he told a story. “And then, and then-”, he paused, laughing too hard to reply, “Zabdiel smashed the cupcake onto Richard’s face!” His giggles turned into full blown laughter. I was clutching my sides, crying from the laughter. Tears were pouring down my face as I tried to calm down. I was sure the patrons of the restaurant would appreciate me not dying in their store.

Wiping a tear away, I smiled. “Damn, babe. Your stories with the boys makes me want to meet them even more.” I hadn’t had the chance because I was in college. I was busy focusing on my schoolwork when I met Chris. Somehow, it was a random encounter that made us meet. I happened to be getting coffee with him at this exact shop when we met. I was cramming for my finals when we ran into one another-- quite literally -- and spilled our coffees on each other. Thankfully, I was wearing an old sweater anyway. The coffee wouldn’t hurt. I just felt bad I was looking like such a bum when I met him. My hair had been a mess from running my fingers through it one time too many, and I’m pretty sure the dark bags under my eyes didn’t help either. I felt bad though because he had on expensive looking clothes. He insisted everything was alright and bought me a new coffee. That’s what started us out.

I still can’t be mad at him, ever. His decision to leave me was probably for the best anyway. Right now, I was focusing on recovering and trying to kick my habits. Old habits die hard, they say, and I wanted to prevent me from ever relapsing. Not only did I start the nicotine patches, I was gradually weaned off them so I didn’t need nicotine, period. I was chewing gum a lot more frequently and I was always carrying a pack with me. It was like a crutch for me to deal with curving the need for a smoke. I was doing good so far. Things had begun to get better.

Of course, I missed Christopher like crazy. He was the sunshine that came around everyday to greet me. Even when we were apart, he made sure to call me or send me a text. He was letting me know that he cared about me, that he loved me, or that he was thinking about me. I felt so giddy every time I saw his name appear on my screen. Telling my family was the hard part, because I was convinced my parents wouldn’t approve. I was worried they were going to make us break up because he was in a band. He was actually set to tour that next day, but he was going to spend the night with me before he left.

That night, Christopher stood on the doorstep with me. He was holding my hand and squeezing it gently. “Ready when you are, mi amor.” His smooth voice brought my anxiety levels down. “Whenever you are, I’ll knock on the door.” I was grateful for such a caring boy. He had promised me to stay by my side no matter what. I took a few deep breaths before nodding up at my boyfriend. “Okay, principe, I’m ready.” I smiled a little more than before. “Okay.” With his unoccupied hand, he raised and knocked on the door. His metal rings were tapping against the wooden door in a timed rhythm. I could feel my heart jumping in my throat, but I had to be prepared when that door opened. I didn’t get time to speak before it swings open, revealing my mother. She had a charming smile on her face. “(Y/N)!”

Obviously, they loved him and asked often how he was doing. It didn’t help they had no idea we broke up. I was scared to tell them we had ended things. I caved one evening to my mother about it and I cried in her arms. I blamed myself and I wished that I hadn’t picked up the very first cigarette. Addiction ran in our family and it was only natural that I picked up a habit somewhere. I was a fighter and was determined not to let it get the best of me.

Things were better now. I had gotten dressed up in my favorite sweater, black jeans, that hoodie draped around my shoulders, and my black combat boots. I was heading out for the first time in a little while. My hair was styled and I had my favorite body spray on. For some reason, the Chris smell hasn’t yet faded, and I wondered if it ever would. It was like a constant reminder of how far I had come. It wasn’t an easy journey, but it had been months. I wasn’t completely healed from my broken heart, but I would soon be.

Strolling down the street, I had more fond memories popping up in my head.

It was about three in the morning. Christopher and I were walking hand in hand down the street, looking for something to do. Of course, normal people were asleep about that time. Us? Nah, we liked to look for adventure. That was when he lent me his hoodie for the first time. “The hoodie looks way better on you, principe.” He stopped in his tracks, those brown eyes wide as dinner plates. “Um, no. Tu eres loco, mi amor. It definitely looks better on you.” This was when he pulled me close so I could look into his eyes. His hands went to my waist, and I was stunned. My hands were pressed against his shoulders. “I doubt it.” I replied. He scoffed, starting to kiss my forehead. “You definitely look better in it than I do.”

He leaned closer to my ear. “If I had it my way, you would only wear that and nothing else.” I felt my cheeks heating up and I lightly smacked his chest. “Dirty boy.” I leaned into him and wrapped my arms around his neck to hug him tighter to me. He snickered as he hugged me back. Slowly, he sways with me in his arms to lead me in a slow dance. We were dancing to the beat of our hearts, having a silent moment. I wanted nothing more than for it to last forever. The stars were shining overhead, promising to keep us together.

Looking now, I realized I had wandered to that exact spot. My eyes wandered upwards to the stars, watching them twinkle at me. It was like a silent promise between us. I was going to heal and remain here for as long as life would allow me to. Though I was killing myself slowly, this was going to show that I was stronger than some addiction. Making my way downtown, I was taking my time as I walked over a bridge. It was leading me to my favorite spot in the whole world. There was a small meadow where I would sit and listen to the wind rustling the flowers and trees alike.

Tears were hot down my cheeks, dripping to the soil below me. I was sitting there, my knees pulled to my chest as I was crying my heart out. It was raining that night. Did I care? No. I just wanted to be alone with nature and let it comfort me. There was a large tree that I sought comfort from. As I sat beneath its large branches, the wind was calming and whispering secrets to me. The wind wounded like a reassurance that things would be okay. That night, I had my first real fight with Christopher. We both said some hurtful things. I chose to leave before I said something that I would come to regret. My body was shaking from the cold.

Suddenly, there were quick footsteps and a figure looming over me. Oh great, what would that mean? I managed to lift my tear-stricken face and I caught sight of something familiar, that striped hoodie. Chris was standing with it outstretched to me. “Are you trying to get sick? Put this on, please.” I hesitated before taking the soft material, sliding it around me. He bent down, “I’m so sorry that I hurt you. It was never my intention, bro.” I fought a smile before I replied, “Don’t call your significant other bro, bro.” He smiled that million dollar smile, pulling me into his arms. “I love you, (Y/N). I really am sorry for what I said.” My arms wound around his neck and I whispered, “I love you too, Christopher. It’s all forgiven.” I whispered into his neck. Just like that, the rain stopped, and another promise was made beneath the stars.

I was standing beneath the tree, my fingers dancing over the wood. There were two hearts carved into the wood. One was for me, and the other for Christopher. I was smiling fondly at the meaning behind the two marks and I felt my heart squeezing in my chest at the memory that flashed in my mind. “You told me forever, you idiot.” I whispered as I leaned against the trunk, closing my eyes. “Why would you lie to me?”

“I would never lie to you, amor.” Hearing the voice made electricity shoot down my spine, causing me to shiver. My body turned around to meet the same figure I had been longing to see. “Christopher?” I silently asked. “Hola, amor, it’s been a while, no?” I wasn’t going to lie, he looked good. He still had the same figure that he had about a year ago, only he was more toned and had more muscle. He obviously had more tattoos and piercings since I had last seen him as well. His hair had those touches of blonde in it, but looked so good. That smile never changed, not for a moment.

“What brings you here?” I managed to ask after staring at him for a long time. His hands were in his pockets, standing away from me to give me personal space. That thought made my heart flutter. He was respecting my boundaries after not speaking to me for a long time. “I came here to think, couldn’t sleep.” Why did that make me happy to think about? Chris couldn’t sleep and came here to see the spot. It warmed me to think about him coming here quite often like I did. Maybe this was fate bringing us back together. At least, to tease us and make us feel bad. “Oh, same.” I replied quietly. My hands were tucked into the pockets of the jacket, keeping them from the biting cold.

His eyes widened with recognition. “You kept that after all this time? Por que?” He asks. I looked down at it and I managed to smile a little. “I guess I couldn’t let go of it. It’s a part of me now.” It had become mine when it used to be his. I suppose he felt the same way about giving me his heart. Chris smiled at me and he nodded at my answer. “Se ve bien en ti.” It was like he was giving me his approval to wear the hoodie. “I um, I stopped smoking. I’m currently using the patches but it’s helping.” I admitted to him and he smiled brighter in that moment. “Estoy orgulloso de ti, amor.”

He seemed to hesitate before rubbing his neck. “Te extrañé.” I felt myself smile a little. “I missed you too.” He smiled a little as he stepped closer to me, cupping my cheeks. “Te amo, siempre tengo.” I felt warm tears well up in my eyes. “I love you too, Chris. I always will.” I replied tearfully, trying to wipe my face with my hands. Christopher’s hands slide down to my waist, pulling me in for a passionate kiss. It set me ablaze, warming me up from the cruel weather. My arms immediately went around his neck, pulling him closer to me. I kissed him back gladly. Finally, I was going to get the closure we both wanted. We could start over and we could move past this. I wanted this. I want Chris. I need him.

Looks like this hoodie brought us together, even when we were apart.

[intheforest-hides-a-light]

A New Family | Part 1

Synopsis: Rachel Jessop’s life changes forever the day she meets Joseph Seed, and the seven years that follow are not at all how she expected them to be.

((So tumblr removed all my text from this post when I went to add a hashtag so here I am pasting it back in again *cries* there’s probably errors now haha))

Rating: M

Genre: Angst, Drama, pre-canon

Characters: Faith Seed (Rachel Jessop), Tracey Lader, Joseph Seed + others

Warnings: abuse, drug use, thoughts of suicide, implied sex

Length of Part 1: 6.5k Total Length: TBD

Disclaimer: I don’t own FC5 or its characters, only thing that’s mine is my writing.

a/n: Basically my take on Faith’s story as seen from her eyes. Who she is, how she ended up with PEG and why she stayed. Wrote this waaayy before all the “Did Joseph exploited Faith” drama came about. I’ve always been intrigued by their relationship/power dynamic so this delves into that as the story progresses. Also gets into the role that the Faiths play and why Rachel is different. Enjoy!

-------

I count the bruises on my arms and legs as I cry alone in my bedroom. Three on the right leg, two on the left. Four on the right arm, five on the left. I haven’t looked at myself in the mirror today but I am sure that my left eye is completely black and blue. There are fingernail scratches along my collarbones. Are they from my dad or from my brother? I don’t remember. I don’t want to remember. I run my fingers through my hair. Masses of strands fall out in clumps. Is it from being dragged across the kitchen last night? Or is it from the incident in the girls’ locker room two days ago? I don’t remember. I don’t want to remember.

I turn my nightstand around, looking for a secret stash of weed I keep hidden in case of emergencies. I find the plastic bag, but it is practically empty. There have been a lot of emergencies in the last three weeks. My backpack is sitting by the door. I head over to it and search the inner secret pocket. Another ziplock bag, empty except for a white powdery residue. I go into the bathroom, open up the lower cabinet door, feel around the upper inside and pull out another bag hidden between the pipe and the wall. Syringes. Empty.

My phone chimes. It’s Tracey. I hesitate to pick up. Deep down all I want is to talk to someone. Tell someone that it happened again, that I am back at the beginning, that no matter how much courage I try to muster up I keep falling back to this same place, dirt low, forgotten. Beaten. The only way up is getting high. That’s the only escape I know.

Tracey doesn’t need drugs like I need drugs. Tracey doesn’t depend on a leafy plant, or a fine white powder or a needle to numb her pain. Tracey is much stronger than me.

I swallow hard and pick up my phone, “Hi, Tracey.”

“Hey girl, how you holding up?”

Just hearing her ask the question shatters me. I hold in my sob, but my voice comes out shaky and weak, “I’m...not...not great.”

“What’s going on?”

“It was bad yesterday. It was really bad.”

“Your dad? Your brother?”

My  father is a pharmacist. Yet somehow, right after mom died, his years of education magically disappeared and he quit his job to start experimenting with homeopathic medicine. Since then things haven’t been so easy. He makes no money. We’re living in debt. He’s looking for a cure for my autistic brother. I try to tell him, because he won’t listen to his graduate degree, that it’s impossible, that David is going to stay that way forever and the only thing that is going to make it any easier on him is love and education. I tell him that and he beats me up. Whatever he cooks up in his lab only makes my brother angry, violent. I think it’s getting into my father’s head too. Sends him into these fits of rage. I go to bed hearing screaming matches between the two of them. I’m afraid that one morning I will wake up and--

I can’t think about it. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t have anymore weed. I can’t break down like this because I don’t have a way up.

“Both.”

“Those bitches from school?”

Don’t think about it, Rachel.

“Uh huh.”

“Oh gosh. I’m sorry girlfriend. Got that secret stash I gave you?” She’s referring to the pot. She doesn’t know about the other two vices.

“All out.”

I hear her sigh, “You know that’s for emergencies only, Rachel. Not for everyday use. You’re supposed to be getting off that stuff, you know? We’re trying to get you better.”

“I know,” I sniff, “I know Trace. Lately it’s been so hard. I just wish there was a way out. I know I’m failing. I know you probably think I’m a failure but I am trying, I’m really trying.”

She chuckles, but I can tell that it is loving, “Hey. I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you. OK? I know it isn’t easy. You’re not failing as long as you keep trying. Speaking of which...I think I found a place for us.”

We’ve been planning on running away together, mainly for my sake but also for hers. I need to get away from my dad. And she, well, Tracey’s got it good, but she’s always seeking more from life.

“How far is it?” I inquire.

“Not as far as we hoped, Rach,” she sighs, “Hope County”.

“Well that’s about as local as it gets,” I say with dismay, “What is it?”

“They call themselves Eden’s Gate. The Project at Eden’s Gate.”

“What are they? What do they do?”

“Well they’ve got a sermon tonight at the Ranch in Holland Valley. I’ll drive. Wanna come and find out?”

“I don’t think my dad will let me.”

“Who said you need his permission? Come on Rachel. We’ve snuck out your bedroom window plenty of times. It’ll be just like the old days.”

I look at my window. Nailed shut with wooden planks. Tracey doesn’t know about my father’s latest attempt to keep me in. My door is always locked. My father keeps the key. I can only go out for meals. Meals that aren’t even worth eating. I eat a scoop of peas for dinner and drink a glass of milk for breakfast. I do have my own bathroom, and my own bedroom, but no connection to the outside world other than my cell phone. Which is why those secret stashes meant so much to me.

“Well...I really think I ought to ask first, just in case,” I look down at my bruised legs,  “I can’t afford to get into any more trouble. What do they preach? Maybe I can convince my old man?”

There’s a pause on the other end, “Just tell him they’re Christians. We are going to church.”

“Okay,” I pick at my nails, “I think he’ll be fine with that.”

------

Two hours later, blessed with permission from my unpredictable father, I am trying to cover up my black eye in the mirror. I don’t have a lot of makeup. My mother practically forbade it and my father continued the tradition. The only thing I can wear is concealer when I have a breakout, as every teenager gets. Otherwise he’s scared that I’ll get pregnant. But little does he know, back when Mom was alive, Tracey and I used to waitress at the 8-bit Pizza Bar while we were supposed to be selling girl scout cookies (sixteen is a little old for that anyway, in my opinion).  We’d pick up some good looking boys in there from time to time. It didn’t matter that I didn’t wear any makeup. Guess you could say I had that small town charm going for me. Or maybe it was the fact that I was an easy target. I didn’t have a backbone. I still don’t. The boys were genteel enough. Courteous. Charming. But the minute I got into one of their trucks their hands went straight for me. Not the steering wheel. My breasts. Not the stick shift. My thigh. As if they owned it. As if they won it over. As if it was theirs for the taking from the beginning.

I let them take it. I’ve forgotten how much I owe Tracey for all the morning after pills she brought me. Every night after it would happen, I’d throw rocks and her bedroom window. She’d come down to the front and let me in. We’d go to the backyard, sit in the rocking chairs. Tracey would roll two joints and always gave me the bigger one. She meant well by it, like how a grandmother always gives her grandkids the bigger half of a pastry, but for me it did more harm than good. I would take it anyway, inhaling long drags of the stuff and pretending the smoke held the power to disintegrate my memories, my pain. I’d tell Tracey what happened. Every time it was a variation of the same story, with the same ending. She’d listen to me until I was done, until I’d finished crying and letting it all out. Then we would go back inside. She would make chamomile tea and serve it with oatmeal raisin cookies. I always had at least three because of the weed. Then we’d sleep in her big bed upstairs. When I’d wake up I couldn’t even remember the man’s face.

She kept forgiving me over and over again. She tried to teach me how to stand up for myself. She still does. But she also introduced me to drugs. I smoked pot with her but I found my way into other things in the bad parts of town. Coke. Heroin. I do them when I can do them, which is not very often. I can’t afford it and I can’t get out of the house enough anymore. I don’t think Tracey ever thought I’d become dependent on drugs. I know she only wanted to help me escape. But for me, weed was a gateway drug. It opened up a forest of dangers. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. I don’t have the self control that she does. Now she’s trying to wean me off of it. But she’s trying to cut off one head of the hydra. I need to smite all three if I want to get over this.

I stare at myself in the mirror. My complexion, once ruddy and bright, is now sickly, with tired eyes, bruises and scars all over. All of this makes me look like a corpse next to the plump small-town beauties full of spirit and life. I am a ghost. I float through the hallways like a ghost. I haunt my bedroom like a ghost.

I wasn’t always a ghost. I used to take care of myself. I’d lost about fifteen pounds since my mother died. My dad’s cooking is shit. Even though weed makes me hungry I never feel the desire to eat anything because nothing tastes good. My brown-blond hair (God couldn’t make up his mind when he made me, you see, at least that is what my mother would to say) used to be shiny with a slight wave to it, now it’s matte, dull, falling out in clumps and frayed awfully at the ends. I want to die. I feel like if I am a ghost I might as well be dead. I think I started doing heavier drugs because of that. Because I want to die, but I am too much of a coward just to kill myself and get it over with. Part of me hopes against hope that by getting out of this house and hopefully out of this town that I will find some reason to live again. I don’t want to be a ghost. If I’m going to live the rest of my life as a ghost I want to make that life brief, tragic and wasteful, like the duration of a tea candle’s flame.  

The black eye is still visible. I do not know how many times I’ve applied makeup to it. It’s still there, especially in brighter light. I pull out my tube of concealer and shakily squeeze more unto the back of my hand. The tube farts. It is empty. I begin to roll it like toothpaste, trying to urge the last drops out. A dismal portion exits the tube in another fart. I toss it in the trash and use what I have, religiously applying it to my bruised eye and giving a little to my unaffected eye, trying to make them match as much as possible. It doesn’t reduce the swelling or the pain, but it looks presentable enough. I wish I had some lipstick, anything to put some color in my face.

I am not sure what to wear for this evening. I do not know if this Eden’s Gate church is a “come as you are” sort of thing or if I should put on something a little more presentable than my oversized pajamas. I open my closet. . My father burned half my wardrobe when I missed my curfew by ten minutes one night. But he left the things that my mother passed down to me. Probably some of the few things left that still remind him of her. I find a light green dress she used to wear. Mamma was so pretty. I don’t think I’ll ever be as pretty as she. I put it on regardless. It zips easily, for its rather loose. Just six months ago it was too tight. I was afraid I’d break the zipper. Now there is no I fear of that at all. White lace adorns the sleeves and my cleavage. I debate pulling the neckline down or up.

It’s church, Rachel, I tell myself, Besides, no one will want to look at you anyway.

The last thought bites. It’s a personal truth. I look down and rediscover the scratches. I tug my dress at the back, raising the neckline.

Fortunately the doorbell rings just in time. I leave my bathroom and stop at the door to the hallway.

Once you’ve been in captivity, once you’ve been locked up alone with your thoughts for long enough, once you’ve accepted that you’re stuck, you don’t bother trying doorknobs anymore. You’re used to reaching that hard spot where it stops turning and opens nothing. It takes me a moment to touch the handle. I know it will feel cold. I know the distinct shape it has and how it will fit into the palm of my hand. What I do not know is whether or not it will open. It might reach that hard lock. I might’ve gone through all of this trouble and not be able to leave.

Knowing this, I twist, hoping for the best.

To my relief, it unlocks effortlessly and opens without so much as a creak. I head downstairs to greet my friend.

------

Sitting in the chapel in the ranch, I feel so nervous. My body shivers. My hands shake. My heart pounds. I do not know if it is withdrawal or what. But I am not completely at ease. The people here are disheveled. Messy. Somewhat gross. The kind of person I would become if I let my addiction keep its grip on me. They are the types that my father would advise me to steer away from, however in his current state he is more like them than he knows. I am more like them than he knows

A tall, fit man with a full, well groomed dark beard strides unto the stage in a flourish of applause. He completely contrasts the people sitting in the pews. He is nicely dressed, wearing a fitted blue silk shirt rolled up at the cuffs, black vest, and tight jeans. His belt buckle is exceptionally extravagant. A pendant of some sort hangs from his neck. The crowd cheers for him. He waves, flashing a million dollar smile and a glint in his bright blue eyes. He’s handsome.

I turn and whisper to Tracey, “If I knew that pastors could look as good as he does I would’ve come to church a long time ago.”

She smirks and holds back a giggle, “You’re terrible.”

“He’s hot,” I say, perhaps a bit too loudly.

“Shhhhhh!” She tries not to laugh, “Behave.”

“Who is he?” I ask as if I were inquiring about a handsome stranger across a bar, not a preacher at the front of a church.

“That’s John Seed,” she tells me, “He doesn’t give the sermon. He’s just the opening act.”

“There’s more of them? Tracey, you told me this was church, not that mythical place where all of the hot guys in Hope County disappeared to!”

“Rachel, shut up!” She giggles again, but then whispers to me, “Don’t get your hopes up. He’s as good as they get, well, looks wise.”

“Bummer. That means we’ll have to fight for him.”

“Rachel!”

Our laughter is camouflaged by the cheers and shouts from people in the pews, phrases like “Oh John!” and “We love you!” and “Praise our brother”. I observe the scene. Sometime during our banter two other people entered the stage. One, a very tall, burly, fearsome man with a long frizzy red beard and bloodshot beady eyes. He holds a large semi-automatic rifle close to his body, and scans the crowd meticulously for possible threats. Though he wears the uniform shirt of the U.S. army, his demeanor is not one of honor or pride, but of sickened, disillusioned duty.  The other, a girl, with thick yellow curls and a bountiful bust contained inside a too-tight white dress. She has slanted, sultry green eyes. There is a whorelike, slutty quality about her despite her conservative dress. But she is undeniably beautiful. I self consciously remember looking at my own chest this morning. Scratches everywhere. Nothing to be proud of. I run my fingers through my mousy hair, wishing I’d washed it. The beautiful woman holds a bouquet of flowers, with several blossoms strewn throughout her golden locks. She smiles at John.

I roll my eyes out of jealousy and look at Tracey, motioning to the girl sitting on stage, “Don’t tell me it’s a wedding,”

She shakes her head, “Oh no, that’s his sister. Faith. I don’t quite know if marriage is a thing here or if they’re all about brotherly sisterly love or if it’s just one massive orgy. I have no idea.”

I laugh at her raunchy train of thought. This is the Tracey I love.

“And who is Mr. Scary over there?” I whisper, trying not to make it obvious who I am talking about.

“Oh, him?” She whispers back, “I don’t know...He wasn’t here last time. I don’t exactly know what the gun is for, either.”

“Maybe he’s exerting his second amendment right?” I tease with a horrible attempt at the stereotypical Hope County drawl.

She looks at me. It’s not funny. “Why do they even need guns?”

“Tracey. We live in Montana. Everyone’s got guns here.”

“I know… but something’s not right.”

I look around the room again, “Maybe his job is to stop desperate bitches like us from throwing ourselves at that hottie over there?”

She bursts out laughing.

Our conversation is interrupted by John’s voice, “Brothers and sisters, welcome!” he proclaims, arms outstretched.

Applause. Tracey and I join in. At the moment we are spectators, like flies on a wall carefully observing but not yet involved.

“I want to tell you,” he continues, “how wonderful it is to see all of these new faces in our home this evening.” His eyes find mine momentarily. I’m intimidated by his strong presence yet also trying my hardest not to swoon. “We hope that this is just the beginning of your march with us.

“I want you to think of the life you’ve led before now. Of all the pain, of all the hardship, of every road you’ve turned down that felt like a dead end. I want to assure you, brothers and sisters, that the ship you’ve sailed across a sea of hardship is about to dock. I give to you a new captain who will guide you to an island of paradise. My brother, your Father, Joseph Seed!”

The crowd stands, clapping and cheering, holding their hands up in praise. The church doors open, and the blazing golden sunset from the west illuminates the doorway, revealing the silhouette of a tall, broad shouldered man. The light comes through his yellow tinted glasses, creating two glowing dots on the ground in front of him.

He moves with a serenity. There is a comforting sense of peace, a radiance that surrounds him. His suit jacket fits him well. His long hair is tied in a small bun on the crown of his scalp. He carries a white book with the symbol of the Project etched in gold on the cover. A rosary is wrapped like a bracelet across his right wrist and palm.

I cannot yet see his face. I too am standing, on my toes, craning my neck around the people in front of me, squinting. Finally when he reaches the stage, he turns around, and the crowd goes silent. They return to their seats. I am the last to stay standing.

Our eyes lock like magnets. I do not need to hear his voice. He does not need to utter a single word. A look comes across his sullen, rugged face. He catches his breath. The room is completely silent. Time slows. My heartbeat pounds. He looks as though he has seen a ghost. I know I look like a ghost. Perhaps it is that I seem so weak and sickly that common sense says I should not be standing here, I should not be in this room. But I am. And I know, somehow, deep inside myself, that I am destined to be here. To meet him. His expression changes from one of shock to one of recognition, a longing for something far off in the distance which yet appears so near. A red string of fate ties the two of us together before either of us can object. But like some perfect private secret, I am afraid that anyone else caught on to it. As my awareness returns to the room, I sit. He swallows hard. I try to look away but I can’t. I’m already entranced.

He speaks right to me as he begins his sermon.

“It is fate that you have come here.”

His words are chilling. They pierce me.

Joseph continues, “It is God’s divine plan that you are here today. Whether you’ve devoted yourself to this project or if this is your first time with us, I tell you that you are here for a reason. This is no accident. This is no chance.”

His speech, though indirect and addressed to a crowd, feels so personal. It is as if despite all of the people in this room he is talking to me and me alone. I know that it is no accident, that it is no chance, that I am not confused. The connection I feel with him is mutual. In a sea of strangers I am seen. We see each other.

“Just as such,” he goes on, respectfully connecting with the others in the pews, “your existence, your very entrance into this world, your birth, your conception...all is for a reason.”

He cannot stand it long. Joseph looks directly at me again and reads my soul like an open book. “You who have felt lost, unwanted, undesired, and unnecessary to the world: have no fear. You have a purpose.” He assures me, “Your life is designed to have significance. Even when the road is foggy, when the path is untred and you know not which step to take, know that God has a destination for you. I have a destination for you.”

My eyes well with tears. For the first time since my mother died, I feel safe. Sheltered. Believed in.

His voice, like silk, his words, like music, envelope me. “When all doors have shut against you, when your friends and your families turn their backs on you, I will be standing here with open arms. I accept you, my children, just as you are. There is nothing you have to change. No one else you have to be. You are loved here, just as you are. And you have always been worthy of that love.”

I break.

When the people around me hear my sobs interrupt the silence of Joseph’s pause, they turn to me with a look of celebratory joy on their faces. A woman on my right with very few teeth and hair bordering on dreadlocks pulls me against her bosom and holds me. Two young men reach back from their seats in front of me and pat me on my shoulder. Now the entire church is watching me, overjoyed. Someone starts the applause.

I feel a new hand on my back from my left side. I turn, expecting it to be Tracey. But it’s not. It’s the woman in the white dress from onstage. The sister.

“Come with me,” she beckons.

I don’t know what this means. “Wh-why?”

I look at Tracey. For the first time she’s looking at me not as my best friend. She seems bitter, disgusted, as if I’m filth. Trash. Foolish. Petty. As if I had no soul.

Faith speaks softly to me, “The Father wants to meet you. Won’t you come up?”

I laugh through my tears, “I’m interrupting the service.”

“No no no,” she’s overbearingly gentle, “Please come up. Nothing would make us happier.”

“Go to the Father,” the woman holding me into her bosom says, lifting my torso towards Faith. I take the sister’s hand, and she walks me down the aisle towards The Father who awaits me by the altar.

When we reach it, Faith hands me over to him and returns to her seat.

His hands are smooth and cold. His eyes, up close, are a vortex behind his yellow glasses. Full of wisdom and peace, as if he had reached that Nirvana the Buddhists dream of. He’s good looking. Not in the way that John is good looking. John is the kind of untouchably handsome, out of everyone’s league yet inside every girl’s dreams. The Father is approachable yet with a true sense of authority, like all fathers should be.

“What is your name my child?”

Intoxicated by him, I forget it on the spot. “My name?”

“Your name.”

“Rachel,” I swallow, “Rachel Jessop.”

His lips turn up at the corners.

“Tell me, Rachel. What is making you cry?”

I search for the answer in his eyes and find it, “The feelings that your words are bringing me. Feelings of safety. Salvation.”

He holds my face in his hands, “Salvation from what, dear Rachel?”

Feeling all eyes on me, I choke up. “F-from my life. From my agony.”

He nods slowly, knowingly.

“And what gives you this pain?” He continues to hold my face so that I cannot look anywhere else except straight into his magnificent eyes. More tears come.

My next words are succinct, for I’m clinging to my composure. “My father and my brother beat me. I’m bullied endlessly by my peers. I don’t feel safe anywhere.”

He continues his knowing nod. “My brothers and I know intimately of your struggle. Don’t we?” He looks to John and Jacob.

I see John nod in my periphery, but Jacob makes no expression whatsoever.

Joseph’s left hand softens into a gentle caress, “What else, child?”

He pulls the words out of me, words I am sure I shouldn’t even say in front of so many people. “I abuse drugs for help,” the rest is a stream of consciousness through my tears, “I’m a rat. I rummage for anything I can get my hands on. I always thought I deserved this life… like I did something irredeemably wrong and my circumstances are a consequence. I take every blow and I let others take from me… but there is no hatred in my heart for anyone except for myself. I don’t blame them. I think it’s all my fault.”

He sighs, looking at me with pity and understanding, “What if I told you, Rachel, that none of it is your fault?”

This concept is foreign to me, “How?”

“The pain you suffer is not because of your own personal ills. If that we’re the case, why aren’t the money grubbers, the corrupt politicians and greedy business owners punished with the same abuses you experience?”

I look at him blankly, “I don’t know.”

“It’s society that is sick, Rachel. It’s the ills in society which are responsible for the pain and the suffering of the innocent. It’s not your fault. They don’t understand you, so they try to take you out.”

The clouds part in my mind. The sky is clear. I’ve never thought of it it that way. I never considered that I am not the problem.

“But here,” He touches my forehead to his. I adore the feeling. “Here you may be saved, Rachel. Here your differences are celebrated. Put to use. Here you can be fulfilled and you can be happy. That’s what this Project offers.”

The Project, on their cue, claps again, pleased with the power of their leader’s message. Joseph looks straight into my eyes. I feel his anchor sinking in to me. And I know I will follow him into the darkest depths of the sea.

“We will talk more, Rachel.” He says. I am passed back to Faith and seated beside her. She holds my hands tightly.  Joseph continues his main speech to the rest of the crowd.

“The world as we know it, as we see it today, is full of fog. Clutter. Sin. Distractors from our destined path. My children, can’t you feel that the world around us today is not the world that God intended to create? You, like Rachel, who have found yourselves here today as a result of his divine plan must be aware, even if remotely, of this fact?

“Let me tell you: God is angry. God intends to wipe this world clean again, the way he flooded the earth allowing only Noah and his family to board the arc. We are once again approaching a storm. Which is why, my children, God spoke to me. He has called to me to reach out to all of you, to each and every one of you, that you might be saved. That you might be redeemed. That you might discover your purpose and follow the path which he has set for us. My children, won’t you take my hand? Won’t you take hands with me, my brother Jacob, my brother John, and my sister Faith and join us in our march to Eden’s Gate?

“You do not need to decide tonight. But I hope that at the very least, I have planted a seed.”

John is the first to laugh at his closing statement. Jacob again, has no reaction. As the crowd catches on, the chuckling grows. I myself laugh through my tears, but when I look in the audience, I see Tracey scowling.

---------

Crickets conduct their nightly symphony as Tracey and I walk through the long grass back to her pickup truck. She’s quiet, but her anger can be felt loud and clear. She’s walked a few steps ahead of me the whole way.

“Tracey,” I stop her, grabbing her hand.

I look into her dark eyes, those eyes that know more about me than any other soul on this earth. My closest and dearest friend.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

She scoffs, “What the hell happened between the two of you just now?”

I know she is talking about the moment I shared with Joseph, then my emotional breakdown and our uncanny closeness that took up a bulk of the sermon.

“I don’t know,” I tell her, “I haven’t quite wrapped my head around it yet.”

She crosses her arms for warmth, pulling on her long sleeve t-shirt. “It was...awkward- no, uncomfortable, no-- Rachel what the fuck was that? What the actual fuck was that?”

Suddenly I reread a beautiful chapter in my life as if it were some sort of vulgar oddity. I’m embarrassed. I look down.

“Look, Rachel.” Tracey sighs, “I know there are some things we don’t talk about. I know that everyone has got secrets. I just wish I knew before we came--”

I look up at her, confused. “Knew what?”

She swallows. “I shouldn’t say anything. Who am I to judge? I mean…”

“What are you trying to say?” I demand defensively.

“Nothing!” She puts her arms up and takes a step back from me. “Let’s just go home. Your dad is probably worried.”

“I don’t want to go home.” I tell her. It’s the truth.

She gives me a look of shock and confusion. “Rachel, these people…there is something not right about them.  They’re apocalyptic. They’re all talking about willing to die for that man. It’s like they’re being brainwashed. Some kind of new age Japanese kamikaze squadron ready to blow themselves up! Not to mention they look like a bunch of crackheads.” She puts both hands on my shoulders and looks me straight in the eye, “I want you to get better, Rachel. I’m afraid these people will just-just exploit your addiction. They won’t heal you. They’ll make you worse.”

“At least I don’t feel like the odd one out!” I shout at her. I am more frustrated with the situation than with my friend. “I don’t know how much more I can take! I don’t want— No, I can’t go back to my dad, Tracey. I can’t go back to school. I’m already failing. It’s not like I’m going to graduate. I’ve got nothing! I haven’t eaten a proper meal in three months! What am I going to do with my life besides waitressing or prostituting myself or having some rich man’s kids? This place…” I start to tear up, “I know it’s not perfect but it’s better than what I have now.”

She scoffs. “You know that you’re better than that Rachel.”

I laugh, but I’m exasperated. “I don’t! I fucking don’t! I’m not like you, Tracey! I’m not smart! I can’t get a degree. I don’t have a mom who supports me and takes care of me.”

I’ve wounded her. “You know that’s not what this is about.”

“And you know what?” Tears stream down, “I’m not your fucking charity case.”

“Well what makes you think you’re theirs all of a sudden? What makes you think you’re  his all of a sudden?”

So that’s it.

“You’re jealous,” I call her out.

She laughs it off. “Sorry, Rachel. I’m not jealous of your forty-something schizophrenic preacher boyfriend.”

Our argument becomes petty, like that of two bratty schoolgirls, the kind of people we have never been before. “He is not my boyfriend.”

“Oh really?”

“Why would you even say that?”

“Well you sure seem pretty close don’t you?”

“I don’t know what happened!” I yell. “I never met that man before tonight! You heard me on the phone! I had no idea who this group was or what they do!”

Her mouth twitches. “Well you’re a damn good liar Rachel.”

“I’m not lying!”

“You’re trying to tell me that the little scene you made back there wasn’t planned?”

I shake my head. “I don’t see how it could be.”

“And I don’t see how it couldn’t be.”

“Tracey!” I try so hard to get through to her, but nothing is working, “I’ve never lied to you! Not once in all these years!”

She’s quiet.

“Why don’t you believe me?”

She sighs and looks away.

I know that she is jealous. But I realize in that moment that she is not jealous of what happened to me tonight. She’s jealous because she can’t believe that I can find peace and happiness in a different place, that I can find it with people other than her.

“They aren’t trying to fix me,” I say with an angry, disillusioned certainty,  “All you ever do, all you ever talk about is trying to fix me. You believe that I’m broken. You want me to be broken so you have something to do with your life besides sit in your nice fucking house with your nice fucking family. All I want...for God’s sake all I want is to feel like I have a purpose. I don’t want to be someone else’s purpose, Tracey. I want to be my own purpose.”

Tracey continues to avoid looking at me. She glances in different directions, looks at the ground by her feet. “So that’s it, Rachel?”

“What’s it?”

“You’re just going to throw our friendship away?”

I want to shake her. “What? No! Tracey that’s not what I said!”

She glares at me. “I’ve been here for you. I’ve fought for you for the last three years. We’ve grown up together. I’m sorry that’s not enough.”

“Tracey!”

She’s running to her truck. I try to follow her, but my lungs and legs are weak.

“Tracey!”

She’s too fast. I feel dizzy. My vision starts to blur. I try to pick up speed.

“Tracey I didn’t say that!”

She doesn’t turn around. She doesn’t look back. Gets in her car, starts the engine. The lights turn on and she speeds away.

I watch her tail lights fade. I’m sick of the taste of my own tears. I’m sick of this life. I drop to my knees and grip the grass as hard as I can with my fists. I scream into the blue night sky. What is the way? Where is the path? What is my life supposed to be? Who am I now that I have no one? I can’t walk home. I don’t want to walk home. I could call a cab but I don’t have any money.

If I go home, I don’t know if I will ever get out of the house again.

I hear Joseph’s words in the back of my head. I remember them almost verbatim: “When all doors have shut against you, when your friends and your families turn their backs on you, I will be standing here with open arms. There is nothing you have to change. No one else you have to be. You are loved here, just as you are. And you have always been worthy of that love.”

I turn around, take a deep breath, and run back to the ranch. It glows with warm light from inside. It’s the only light I see.

[birth-fic-lover]

Triplet trouble

When I found out I was pregnant I was over joyed, my boyfriend was less so. We already had one set of triplets and money was tight as it was. Plus the first time I gave birth still traumatised him. He ended up almost fainting while nurses were telling him to man up and be there for his girlfriend. “If you think I'm going to go back to that hospital to watch you give birth again you have another thing coming” he had said. He loved being a father and was so good with the babies, they were hardly 2 months old when I found out I was expecting again.

When I was 4 months pregnant and invited him to come with me to the hospital for the scan, he said he would rather stay home with out triplets. Yet when I came back he was completely different, he wanted to grab the pictures from my hands. “wait before you see, there's something you should know". With that he looked worried and led me to the sofa before protectively stroking my already significant bump. “Is everything okay?” He said rubbing in small circles, “is the little one ill? It doesn't matter I'll be there for them.” How could he care so much yet not want to see them moving on the screen? “There fine" I reassured him, “them being the operative word, we are having triplets again.” And with that he kissed my belly three times.

One day when I was 6 months along he wrapped his arms around me while I was doing the washing up, “you know I'm not mad that you got pregnant again, it takes 2 to tango. I guess I'm just fretting about all the drama at that hospital when you give birth. But I was thinking, what if you gave birth without any of the drama, you could do it at home maybe in the tub?”

I stopped scrubbing for a sec, so it seemed his plan was to avoid watching me give birth by getting me to do it in private in the bathroom, while he sits downstairs and watches the tv? “listen if it’s such an issue why don’t I just go to the hospital and give birth without you?” I challenged him.

He turned me around gently so I could see him, he looked horrified by that. “No way, I don’t think having nurses think any less of me would help the situation. Plus I’ve done a lot of research into unassisted births, there more common then you think.” So it seemed that me giving him 3 more children didn't bother him, it was me giving birth that made him act strange. I decided to look into unassisted births and to be fair despite me not seeing anything on triplet unassisted births, I was on board. But maybe he would freak out even if I did give birth in another room, I then read an article about a women who had given birth in a mall. From then my plan was set.

At 8 and a half months I was already pretty huge with very active triplets, I couldn't wait to give birth. I felt heavier and bigger then last time, but I assumed that was because I didn't get the chance to get rid of the previous baby weight. Looking after my original 3 triplets just got harder and harder, there were a few false alarms with braxton hicks. But for my plan to work I would have to be sure it was time. I was sure that despite not reaching 9 months yet, I was due any day now. It was around 6pm that I knew it was time, I was feeding one of my triplets when I felt the contraction, I just knew in my gut this was the beginning. My boyfriend looked up from his ironing, “you okay babe?”

“Yeah" I lied “my nipples are just so sensitive being pregnant and breastfeeding, I don't know how I'm gonna handle feeding 6 babies when the other 3 are born".

“Careful" he joked “you don't wanna get over stimulated, I noticed you belly dropped the other day you look ready to pop. Who knows you might end up having that unassisted birth after all.”

I laughed nervously, my baby then unlatched and it fell asleep. My man thought we had compromised by agreeing to have private midwife come help me do a homebirth, but I could tell that he was still uncomfortable with it. But I didn't plan to use the midwife, I knew it was time to put my plan into action. “I might go spend the night at my sisters, she texted earlier she's having triplet trouble. Haha you'd think she was used to it having so many sets in the family, I'll text you when I'm on way home".

My boyfriend looked puzzled “well if your sure, but it's quite late to go visiting. You haven't even finished feeding all 3 triplets, see this is why I think we should of used the last few months to wean them off breast milk. Oh well you could always bring them with you.”

“WHAT, no" I spluttered. My boyfriend looked at me like I'd gone mad. “Why not" he said “you never had issue taking them with you to your sisters before. It's not like she hasn't got all the stuff for them, plus once they have a good feed they'll be no trouble. Plus you need to be with them for the morning feed. It will give me some alone time since soon we will be a family of 8”.

I knew I had no choice I would have to bring my triplets. I already had a bag packed for myself in the car, so I quickly packed them a bag as well. But I had to be careful because as my boyfriend had already pointed out my sister already had enough stuff for them, so it would look weird if the bag looked too full. I hoped he wouldn't notice I was bringing the triple buggy with me.

With all 3 children packed into the car I eased myself behind the wheel and started to drive. In case you hadn't guessed, I wasn't heading to my sisters. Her and her family were currently on holiday, I was driving towards the shopping centre. On the way one of the triplets started howling, I then remembered I had only fed one. I then pulled into a side road and got the baby out, as soon as I held him it was clear what he wanted. He was grabbing at my dress trying to free my breast, I had a back ach so I had gone without the bra today. I squeezed into the passenger seat unable to push the seat back any further. I lowered my shoulder strap and from there he knew what to do, it felt so uncomfortable as his weight felt heavy as I couldn't help resting him on my bump. As he greedily sucked away I felt another contraction ripple through me. My boyfriend might have a point about breastfeeding stimulating me into labour, but what could I do. When I put my son back, I feared feeding the third baby might speed up my contractions but they were fast asleep in it's car seat between there siblings. So I drove on towards the shopping centre.

When I arrived I parked up in the multi-story carpark. My plan was this, I was going to give birth somewhere then that way my boyfriend could avoid me giving birth without me going to the hospital, god knows what he's got against the place. Then we skip to me presenting his 3 new kids.

I locked myself in a McDonalds bathroom to give birth to the triplets, overnight. I knew that no one really used the toilets here during the night, but I still hoped no one would find me. The last thing I needed was someone calling an ambulance so I would be rushed to hospital, they would probably call my boyfriend and that would defeat the whole purpose of this. My plan was to not be disturbed while I was in labour and gave birth to my boyfriend's triplets. I brought blankets, and my three children slept in there buggy in the bathroom while I alternated between labouring on the toilet and labouring on all fours. Around 9pm my third unfed triplet woke, unlike his brother he didn't cry demanding to be fed. But I felt as a mother I would be letting him down not to give him his evening feed. The contractions were every 10 minutes so I had time to feed, I took my dress off completely it was covered in sweat anyway. This time to avoid any weight on my bump before I took him out of the buggy I lay a picnic blanket from under the buggy on the floor, I then took him and lay down next to him and he fed from next to me. I found feeding him quite relaxing and wished I had laid the picnic blanket down earlier. It was way more comfortable on my skin compared to the tiles. I felt a strong contraction and I let out a low moan. He finished drinking quickly so before I could have another contraction I put him back with the other two. I then went back to on all fours and started swaying, I then felt a pop as my water broke, I instantly regretted putting down the picnic blanket that was now soaked. The contractions were more painful and sped up through the night, especially because I was active and squatting in different birth positions and changing my children's nappies and clothes. I felt oddly strong; I had to be there for my children and deliver the triplets.

In the morning, customers started knocking on the door. The first of the triplets was only just beginning to emerge from my opening. The top of the head beginning to stretch me out made it difficult to stand, especially as I had to close my thighs. I pulled on my only other fresh clean dress and knickers. Because I had a bigger bump this time due too not burning of the previous baby weight, I only owned 2 dresses that fit. I left the now dirty blankets and pushed my kids out the room. I don't even think anyone really looks at me as I left McDonalds.

Moving was agony. Blood was dripping down my legs. The only thing keeping me going was the determination not to be found out and forced to go home or to the hospital. I was moaning and tearing up as I moved, and my first triplet had already crowned – I was exhausted and heavy, yet I was walking down shopping centre pushing three heavy, healthy babies, and carrying three more inside me. I must have been insane.

I felt so uncomfortable and just wanted to give up, none of the shops open this early. Stupid McDonald's breakfast crowd, stupid me for thinking I could give birth too 3 babies on my own in a shopping centre. Then I was saved, I saw people going in and out of the cinema in the shopping centre. I went in and knew I could make this work for me.

I tucked my children under my remaining blanket hoping they would stay asleep, and bought a movie ticket to a film that had been out for weeks so shouldn't have anyone watching. I was right, as I parked the buggy and awkwardly carried all 3 babies. The theatre was almost empty, all there was were a man and his daughter in the front row. So I went to the back row, goodness knows how I was able to climb those stairs with all 3 babies and being sore from labour. I felt bad but I put my triplets on top of the blanket and they slept on the floor. But I pulled up the armrests and the skirt from my dress, I awkwardly pulled down my knickers to my ankles and slipped them off and into my dress pocket, so I was naked from the waist down. I spread my knees, planting my feet firm on the sticky theatre floor. I closed my eyes. I was so exhausted, I hadn't slept and the deep cramps had tormented my every step.

But my babies began fussing. I lifted my daughter into my arms, I was just about able to push down enough of the neckline to unveil my nipple. I brought her closer and let her latch onto my breast, it always surprised me that I was producing milk so rapidly. Once again lactating actually relaxed me. This time it relaxed me so much I fell asleep, and woke up during the showing of a new movie, my angels all gone back to sleep, even my daughter at my breast.

Unfortunately, what had woken me was an increase in contraction activity. My belly was unbearably tight. I reached down and felt the soft head of my firstborn triplet. I clenched my teeth as an enormous cramp consumed me, and I felt myself starting to poop into the theatre chair. As much as I tried not to, I evacuated my bowels all over myself in the theatre, as I instinctively pushed down as a result of the unbearable contraction. I barely made a noise, but grunted: “Gnnnnnnnnnnnh…” under my breath. When it released me, I sat back, panting my chest and the weight of my belly rising and falling. I was relieved that my two boys were still clean, despite my accident. I had put them next to me on the floor instead of below me.

Pretty soon I would be completely unable to move again. I had to find a safe place to deliver. People were beginning to show up. I grabbed the blanket and put it on the seat beside me, I grabbed my family back up. This time, it took me several tries to successfully stand. I was dizzy, and the pain in my pussy shot over my belly and thighs. Each step made me want to cry. I’d cleaned myself up a little and left the blanket behind, but I knew I needed to get as clean as I could. I carefully walked out if the theatre and went straight into the disabled toilet. I spent a good twenty minutes in the bathroom, I don't bother putting my underwear back on. On the changing table I can't believe my luck, there's a baby carrier. I put one of my sons in it and put it in my back. Before people got suspicious and tried to knock on the door, I picked myself up and moved on forgetting the buggy and my bags hanging off it.

I am shocked no one stopped me, as I clutched my two loose children too me as I staggered out of the cinema. I wandered through the shopping centre in heavy active labour, my sweat beginning to soak through my dress. I almost fell against a wall and grunted heavily as I pushed down, my baby lowering itself from my uterus, it’s head emerging almost halfway out. I could hardly take another step. I had to waddle, keeping my thighs apart – but it was impractical, and walking was only speeding up the process. I held my babies in my arms and a monstrous contraction hit and I groaned out in pain, and then grunted and forced myself to walk on. It was pure love for my children, pure determination. “Uggghhhhnnnnn,” I moaned, forcing my legs to move forward. “OoooOOoooOOoooh… aah, ahhh...” another huge contraction gripped me: “Oh sh… ANNNNNNNNNNGH…” my foot almost faltered and led me to a collapse, but I wouldn’t fall while holding my children. I was lucky no one was really about.

It was almost noon at this point. I was resisting the urge to push, but it was inevitable that I was about to deliver. I had been in labour for almost a day. I was fooling myself. I wandered into the lower part of the shopping centre, suddenly there were too many people – I was immediately overwhelmed, there was a clearance sale and the crowds were ridiculous. No wonder no one was in the upper bit of the building. I panicked and ducked into the closest store. A mattress store. Nobody was here – the store was practically abandoned. A assistant flipped through a magazine. I noticed there was an upper floor within the store, and I clutched the rail and took trembling steps upstairs holding the two that weren't on my back with one arm. I know it was crazy but I dreamed of a proper bed, maybe I could pay for it if I get caught.

I put down my children and collapsed on the first display mattress I saw just as another contraction seized me, and I pulled my legs up, gripping my thighs. “GNNNNNNNNNNNNNH!” I growled, took a frantic inhale: “Gah… GNNN, UNNNGH, UNNNGH, NNNNNNNNNNGH…”

“Hey, what’s going on up there?!” The assistant called out lazily.

“N-nothing!” I panted, “Just browsing!” Was she really gonna believe that? Maybe I should move further away from the stairs.

I grabbed a pillow to cover my face, and rubbed my heaving belly. My beautiful children weren’t crying or making a fuss. My daughter reached for me, I had put all three next to me on the mattress. I panted and touched her with one hand, rubbing my bloated belly with the other.

Another contraction. This time I managed to cover my face with the pillow, groaning into it furiously, bearing down with all my might. The baby moved gradually through my birth canal, until almost his entire head had emerged. I panted and fell back, and another one gripped me immediately: I pushed his head out, and my children as so well behaved while this is going on almost like they know. But I will kill my boyfriend for making me bring them.

I rolled onto my side and lifted my upper leg. Without waiting for a contraction, I pushed hard. I pushed him out farther and my birthing juices flow all over the display bed. It was actually quite covered in blood and sweat. I continued pushing until he was out to his shoulders – then I reached down. “Gnnnaah!” I pulled him out, feeling the friction of his skin against my cervical opening – he was slippery and warm.

I pulled him to my chest and fell back in relief. I held him tight, but I knew I had no time to spare. I took a moment to think, but I practically fell asleep – and I knew I had to keep moving. I cut the cord with a pocket knife from my pocket.

Luckily, I wasn’t having contractions. I guessed the second two were the identical twins, meaning there wouldn’t be a break between the twin labour. They were in a separate amniotic sac so would my water break again? I looked down at my firstborn triplet son, I wished his father had been here, why did he have an issue watching his children enter the world. After birthing him, my body would relax a bit before having more contractions. Naturally I wanted to sleep and wait for round 2, but I could hear the assistant talking to customers. They might come upstairs and see me. This time when I stood I was so week I collapsed in the aisle, I wasn't going to give up and struggled to my feet. I took some display blankets and I took a sheet to tie the two of my babies on my front, and put my oldest son on my back and my newborn triplet in my arms.

Even though they were tied to me, with the arm that wasn't holding the newborn I held my babies protectively and kept moving. I went though a door that was for staff only, you'd think that it would be locked.

I went out to the loading docks, and found a storage area that wasn’t in use. My poor babies – I put them in a box. I wrapped them in our only blankets. And I lay naked half and pregnant beside them, on a momentary break from labour, it’s dark and freezing cold. Luckily my babies have the blanket. I take them out one by one to feed them – beginning with my newborn triplet. He’s healthy, thank god. The nipple stimulation begins to give me light contractions, but they hurt a lot because of how sore my pussy is.

I then decided to do some squatting to try and speed up the labour. I want to finish giving birth here so I can get somewhere warm. I’m freezing cold with no underwear, so I put my knickers back on. I wish I had a bra, my breastmilk has soaked my dress. I feel good that I’ve fed all my kids, but I can’t keep them in a box for days. I have to deliver the identical twins soon.

Unfortunately, my first twin is not pressing very hard against my birth canal. The contractions simulate the opening of my cervix, but it won’t matter unless the baby begins moving. I apply gentle pressure to my stomach, but I think it does more harm than good. Fuck, I’m cold…

I get on all fours and rock back and forth, then try fingering myself. I wish my man was here, I herd sex can help labour progress. Nothing I try works so I figure it might be worth it to try and move again – but by the time I pack the babies up in the box, all snug and warm, I’m exhausted and its freezing cold still.

After an hour by some miracle, I have deep-set, heavy cramps that rumble from my core. The baby’s head is pressed up against the opening of my birth canal, in position for delivery despite my waters not breaking for the twins yet. My belly grumbles loudly. I rub it with sympathy – my poor stomach, my smooth mound, a sweaty heaving pocket of my unborn offspring. My uterus aches like it’s trying to kill me. I get on all fours and push for a couple minutes to try and stimulate progress. But I hear the loading trucks move. I’m surprised by my own energy, so I wrap myself up and carry the kids out of the docks. I decided to leave the shopping centre though the dock. To my horror the multi-story carpark is closed due to low staffing, who closes a car park!

Where can I go? Where can someone with children give birth without being vulnerable or too public? Without it being my own home or hospital. The twins have mounted my birth canal and the first is ready to slip in, but it’s nowhere as urgent as yesterday. I walk down the streets, my feet ache and I’m sore everywhere. But I know I have at least a couple hours before the heavy contractions set in.

I then see a building that I haven't been to for years, the library. Hopefully no one else goes there much either, the only person is a old lady who won't hear her maybe. But to my surprise behind the desk is a teen, what teen wants to be a librarian? Oh well the teen is busy so doesn't see me.

I go into the women's toilets, I don't even go into a cubicle I just drop to my knees. I softly put down the newborn, the one in the carrier and release the 2 tied to my front. I rub both my hands over my rock hard belly, breathing though a few contractions. I then while staying on the floor remove my 3 children's nappy’s and re-dress them. At least now they won't get nappy rash. I put the carrier back on with a child in it. As I strain to get up I feel a pop, my waters have broken once again. The first twin suddenly slide down the rest of my birth, it's head assaulting my lips. I gasp and pick up the rest if the children and enter the main library again.

I stagger to the seat at the table in the back of the library, every step making the twins come further down. But sitting immediately reverses the progress of the baby, smashing my pussy against the smooth cold surface of a chair. “Ahmmmmmmhm,” I groaned miserably. I buried my head in my arms and rock my body back and forth. I spread my legs and groan, “Ahnnnnnnnnnnngh… Nnnnnnnnnngh, UHNNNNNNNNGH,” I begin to groan out loud, spreading my legs wider. I put my hands on my belly and slam my forehead on the table. I try to rub my belly but it’s no use – the pain is unbearable. “GNNNNNNNNH, UNNGH, NNNGH, UHNNNNNNNNNNNGH…”

“Are you okay?” The teen asks.

“Fine!” I gasp in annoyance. The teen moves towards me, but luckily the tablecloth hides a lot. I have to get up and leave. Then the teens phone rings, it must be important because they forget me and goes to the staff room. I still should go. I realise the more progress I make, I know I’ll have to reverse it to get up and walk out… so I should stop pushing, just get up, just go…

But to push feels like the only option. I pant and rock my heaving belly, and moan, “Mmmmmmmmhm, Oh, mmmmmmmmmhm… Mhm… Mhmmm… GNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGH…” I clutch my belly hard, “GNNNNNNGH!” My baby moves through my birth canal and emerges out to the ears making my knickers bulge. Oh, shit. I put my hand against its head – oh, shit. I pant loudly, trying desperately to catch my breath. I apply gentle counter-pressure and bite my wrist as I tucked my baby back into my body. With all my effort, I stood up and left the library.

Next stop? I walked with my thighs together, despite the pain. My teeth were clenched. Where, where, where? Aha…

I managed to get to a park bench, and the moment I sat down, I began the hefty labouring, pushing hard. My children all look as uncomfortable as me, I just want it to be over. Suddenly the contractions stop, my pussy aches. I wait but no more contractions come. I see an opening that I know leads to another bench, I recognise it. It's the bench I spend many days getting the know my boyfriend on, I need to sit there. It's hidden from the rest of the park, it's perfect.

I gingerly walk towards the opening of the trees, and on the bench is my man. It seems seeing there father makes my twins want to be born, the contractions starts as quickly as they stopped. “Nnnnnnnnnnngh”, he then see's me and rushes forward. He looks shocked, he guides me too the bench but I can't sit. He unloads the children, and too my surprise he has there buggy plus the one for the newborns. He unfolds them and settles them, by the time he is done I am squatting holding onto the bench. I can feel the first twin crown again “oooooooooohhhhh".

My boyfriend kneels beside me, he doesn't at all look like he's going to faint or that he's uncomfortable. He rubs my back and removes my clothes, “what happened?” he asks. I feel like this is a bad time too talk, but though groans and moans I explain how I was only doing it so he didn't have to watch. “come here" he says as he wraps my arms around his neck. We stand and sway the pain away, I can't push the head anymore. “I know where you've been, I followed the trail of confusion and mess. But lucky me when the trail went cold you found me, the thing is baby. Birth doesn't creep me out, quite the opposite.”

“You mmmmmmmmmmmmean" I moan. “Yep" he says continuing to sway, “it turns me on, I'm heart broken once again I didn't get to break the sac with my cock. That's why I hated the hospital, I had to hold it all in while the nurses told me I want man enough. That's why I hoped for an unassisted birth, I wasn't sure how you'd take my kink. My plan was to intro it slowly though the labour and see where it goes from there.”

Suddenly I get a massive surge and I push, my man drops to his knees and catches the baby's head. “Nggggggggggaaahh" one shoulder then both pop out and he brings the baby close to his chest and then hands her to me. He cuts the cord with a pair of specialist scissors. He really is prepared. “I'm sorry” he says “lets focus on you, may I check you". I nod and sit on the edge of the bench, I stroke my firm belly with the hand not holding my new daughter. I can't believe I'm still so big, I guess it won't properly shrink till the other twin is out.

“I can feel our last baby isn't far behind, any contractions?” my boyfriend asked coming to sit beside me? Suddenly I feel a big one hit “GNNNNNNNNN" and a squeeze his hand tight. He grabs the baby and puts her in the newborn buggy. He slides behind me and start rumbling my belly forcing my daughter down, to be honest I welcome it want her out. I feel her make her way down my birth canal and starts to emerge. I feel my man's penis harden against my back, “oooooooooohhhh baby what position do you want me in" I moan. He looks confused but then he gets it, I want to fulfil his fantasies since because of me he has missed out on so much. He then lays me out on the bench, he starts eating me out using his tongue too sooth me as his daughter crowns and her head pops out. Then he helps spread me as her shoulders pop out, she arrives in a slippery gush between my legs.

He places her on my breasts, my stomach is still round and firm. He strokes my smaller belly, “bet thats one hell of a placenta” he says as he cuts the cord and I remain lying down, “do you want to deliver it here or go to the car?”. I moan as I feel my body ache, I want to go home as soon as I can but I can't move for a while. He see's my face, “don't worry baby it's only round the corner and I can carry you to it. Do you think you can wait here while I drive it closer?” I nodded, strangely the my contractions for the placenta hadn't started.

I feel like I blink and he's back, that’s how tired i am. I see that he brought the 9 seater we got for after the birth, we only needed an 8 but they don't come like that. He loaded the 6 babies into the back to rows then lifted me into the front. The front had 3 seats, he closed the doors once he was in. He had put towels all over the front, “how low is the placenta?” He asked putting my feet on his lap so I could stretch out.

“my contraction haven't started up again, but my body is preparing probably. Like you said it's gonna be big”, I strocked my still big belly for emphasis. He notices the goose bumps all over me, “I brought you some clothes, they should fit now your smaller.” He passes me a bag with a mix of clothes. I put on a maternity dress from when I was 6 months pregnant wanting something loose, but actually it's straining over my bump still. It's not uncomfortable tight, just that the fabric looks almost see-through. I really have gained some weight, at least it won't be hard once the placenta is gone. I find a pair of knickers and am relieved they are the same I have been wearing in the last month, so unlike the dress isn't tight.

“I'm guessing if your putting on underwear the placenta isn't moving" my boyfriend asks. I am acheing all over but still no contractions, in fact I feel like I need to relieve my breasts more than anything. Also it seems to start contractions, I remember the first time when I gave birth in the hospital everything was a lot quicker and simpler. But there was no time for flashbacks.

“If you go slow and take the backroad so that we don't have to worry about other drivers, do you think it would be okay for you to drive home while I lighten my boobs using one or two of are marvellous children?” I ask.

“I could always lighten them for you” my man said winking. “Your time will come" I say trying to soften the blow, “but I want to get home asap". He gets my greedy eldest son out of the back and pops him on my lap, this dress has buttons at the top that I'm able to unpop to give him access. The relief is instant and I can feel my other breast leaking wanting to be lightened also, maybe I should of got 2 of my children too feed at once. But my man is driving now and we are on the way home.

As I make the baby swap nipples I feel a twinge down there and it starts a few light contractions, as it feeds it seems determined to put all his weight on my stomach. We drive for about 20 minutes with my son sucking on my breast but I can see he is full and isn't really stimulating me anymore. “If you see a place to park can you stop so we can swap children over, this one is full" I ask. Just then out of nowhere I feel a heavy cramp “oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh".

My boyfriend pulls over and puts my son back, but he doesn't bring another. “I just wanna check how that placenta is doing" he says feeling my belly. Then suddenly he freezes, I wonder what he is doing when asks me to turn fully to the open car door. He then pulls my knickers down slightly and slides his fingers inside. “Baby your belly shouldn't be so big still and you should of delivered the placenta already, I'm just trying to sense how low it is. I can feel something soft against my fingers. Maybe we should get you to a hospital, why did we have to take back road.” Then another contraction takes hold and I wrap my arms around him. “This feels no different to when I was birthing the kids, I thought it was meant to be easier" I moan. Once I release him he runs to his side of the car, I wonder if we are gonna rush to the hospital. But out of his bag he gets a doppler, he was ready to help me give birth. He starts gliding the wand on the underside of my belly, I can hear my heartbeat but then we can here a faster second one. We look at each other, and as if on que I have another contraction. I am so relieved it all makes sense, he must of just felt the baby's amniotic sac when he was checking me.

“You wanted to break my waters” I say “I think you should do it to move this along, this baby has waited for too long as it is". Somehow all 6 of our children have fallen asleep, so he pushes me onto the front seats gently. He starts kissing my neck and then moves down to me breasts stimulating one with his mouth and the other with his fingers before swapping. “Please baby” I beg “please ride me".

He rides me hard each thrust goes deeper and deeper, he runs his hands over my bump and the settle each side of me. I can't speak only moan but this time not from pain but pleasure, my pussy may of been stretched and abused by birthing the babies but it still reacted the same from my boyfriend's cock. As we both climax instead of being soaked with cum, amniotic fluid pours freely from my opening. He unplugged himself and at once I could see the difference in my bump, “I'm sorry baby looks like this is one big baby to have this much of an effect without it's amniotic sac. I think we should keep driving, it is safe to say this one will take a while to deliver.” I nod in agreement while riding out a contraction “NNNNNNNAGGGGGGGGGG I need that tub at home”.

I pull up my knickers and dress and rub my belly trying to sooth it. We continue for another few minutes and to our surprise another contraction hits hard “GRRRRRRRR babe oooooooooooooo can feel it coming NOW". I wasn't pushing it was like the baby was burrowing out of me. I tried to close my legs but the contractions were on top of each other.

“Please please don't push we are 5 minutes away, there is nowhere to stop” my boyfriend begged. He was now driving a lot faster but the vibrations weren't helping. I could feel the baby right against my opening, my knickers were still on. The seatbelt felt like a vice. As my boyfriend slowed as we came to the end of the road and join another, I felt the baby crown, this was too fast this baby was meant to be huge and take forever. Once again I tried to fight my natural urge to push and lost “NNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA". The head was almost out but the car seat is a barrier “I need to change position, this baby is coming now".

My boyfriend helps me put my feet on the dashboard despite the little room we have in the front, with this new space my body lurches the baby forward shoulders and all, ripping my knickers but I catch her. I bring her close to my chest admiring her, she isn't premature but she's certainly the smallest I've ever birthed.

“It must off all been fluid” my boyfriend said as he continued to drive to our house. I still had my dress unbuttoned at the top so I guided the baby to my breast and after a second she started to feed. “That's it” he said “after a while on your beautiful milk she'll catch up with her siblings”. The stimulation brought a contraction and after a few minutes the placenta dropped onto the towel I sat on.

At that point my boyfriend parks outside our house, we are home. He takes the 6 out of there car seats one by one and then comes for me. He cuts the last cord and then kisses me, “you did amazing, I can't believe we have 7 kids. Good thing they don’t make 8 seaters so I had to buy a 9-seater. I feel like our family is complete”.

“you're my hero” I say “you completely saved the day never freaking out, and you had all that equipment and spare clothes. I know you say our family is complete but if I have a nice set of triplets we’ll have 10 kids and that’s such a nice round number”.

A smile fills his face “marry me I should have proposed a long time ago, but as our youngest daughter has proved it’s better late than never”.

[johnnietony]

Grey Hairs Are Sprouting on My Temples

My life has been in such a unsettling flux lately. This summer has not been enjoyable. To be fair I don’t think I’ve had an enjoyable summer since I was 14, but that’s a whole different story.

I’ve been teaching for the last 3 years, but it’s been on a conditional teaching certificate. Basically in Maryland, if you have a bachelors, you can teach for 4 years-even if your degree isn’t in education. Because there is a time limit, I knew I would have to go back to school for an education degree. For the last two years I’ve been working on a masters degree in special education. This summer I had to take one class that I needed to finish my degree, and two classes to meet the requirements of my teaching certification in Maryland.

Honestly, grad school was a breeze. It was a lot of work, but it never seemed difficult. However, the two classes I had to take for my certification were 100 level history classes. I did them online at a local community college. It was the most unpleasant education experience I ever had. I won’t go in to all the details, but these classes were systematically difficult and unorganized. Also, the professors continually fucked up, and I had to watch my grade like a hawk, so they didn’t miss any of my work. I’m pretty sure I sprouted some grey hairs over it. Yesterday my grade for the last class was finalized, but not before I had to email the professor about her giving me a D on my online quizzes, which I had aced several weeks before they were due.

On top of all this educational woe, I’ve been dealing with a tense relationship between my roommate and I. We have lived together for 3 years. When we started living together, we were really close. However, three years of living together has really frayed the friendship. We decided not to renew our lease, which will be up in October. She wants to buy a home, and I am able to afford rent on my own now that I’m finished school. I don’t want to get too deep into the gory details of our difficulties with living together over the last 6 months, but it’s been really tense. There are times when my stomach is in knots over the idea of having to go home. Part of my discomfort comes from the discord I feel towards my roommate, and the other part is that I stopped taking anxiety medication.

I was on lexapro for 2 years. It helped me cope with the anxiety I had been battling my entire life. When I started taking the meds, I felt completely unburdened by life. Yet, eventually that freedom would become problematic. I gained a lot of weight-weight that I had lost. Before the meds, I had been working really hard to lose weight. I’ve been overweight most of my life. Six years ago I had finally started to lose some weight, and I was beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin. The increase in self confidence lead to my first relationship. We lived together for a while. Things went south. The relationship ended, and the resulting depression/anxiety had been the worst I had ever felt. That’s why I finally started the meds.

Over two months ago I started to wean myself off of the meds. I had gained so much weight, and I knew the meds were making me complacent. Being off the meds crushed my rose colored glasses, and I realized I wasn’t just being complacent about my lack of fitness-I was also complacent with my living conditions. The good news is that I have lost weight-over 20 pounds in two months. My body feels better, but my mind ain’t so great. I’m hoping it’s just because this transition to living on my own is just being drawn out. I wish I could pack up my life right now, and just move to my new place, but my current lease isn’t up until the end of October.

Oh, that’s not all. Remember the relationship I mentioned earlier? Yeah, that guy is still tearing me up, 4 years later. After we broke up, he’s repeatedly come and gone out of my life. There have been times, when I’ve accepted him back. Tried to be friends. There have been times when I’ve rejected his interactions by ignoring him or by being insanely cruel.

A month or so ago we were in contact. I was really insistent on boundaries at times. There were also times, when I let those boundaries slip. He wanted to spend time together in person. There were moments when I thought that was okay. There were other times when I was entirely against it. Our history was fraught with drama and transgressions, and it’s really hard to forgive and forget.

Well, there was a day when he seemed depressed, and he was sending me vague negative messages. One of my faults is being quick to dole out tough love. I relinquished some hard truths. The texts turned from blue to green. He had blocked me. Part of me thinks, great maybe this is finally the end. Maybe he’ll move on, stop contacting me, and I can finally let go of the shitty things that have happened. Another part of me wonders what could have happened if he would’ve just talked it out.

Its just one of those moments in life. I’ve had them before-times when I’m trying hard to make progress, but the results refuse to be seen. These moments are when I can reassure myself of my integrity and persistence. If I don’t give up, things will eventually flourish. In the future I’ll be able to look back and remember how I didn’t falter despite feeling shitty. Dawn only comes for those that don’t let the darkness consume them.

[earlylifediggysimmonsff]

6.

Mia

Next Thursday 8:24 am

I excitedly sat in the car with Gianna and Daniel. He offered to drive us there and escort us in. And I mean, that was totally fine with me. Especially since he was the one that got her into this school.

I wasn’t thankful enough.

“Baby is going to school. Yay mommy!”

I chanted. Gianna smiled brightly, babbling and nodded her head continuously. I really can’t believe I’m excited about her starting at daycare. Usually, I’m nervous, and scared. But for some reason, I know she’ll be in good hands.

Pulling into the parking lot, I got myself together, fixing my Rolex on my wrist and taking a deep breath. My baby looked so cute in cute hairbows and outfit. Hopefully she stays cute.

“Before we go in, I gotta tell you something”

I nodded, turning towards him to give him my undivided attention.

“I.... I told them Gianna was my daughter”

My breathing went back to normal. I thought it was something more serious. I was about to say, I was just starting to like him. I was curious to know why though.

“Why?”

“It’s moral conduct. In order for her to... be able to attend the school, free of charge she would have to be my child If not, it wouldn’t be fair to the other teachers and staff who kids go there that pay 20% less or Board of Trustee’s of pay 50% less. I as the owner am the only one that can have my child attend for free”

I exhaled and nodded. I understood completely. 

“I hope it didn’t put you under any pressur-”

He smiled taking his seatbelt off. 

“Nah, give me more reason to be up at the school, checking on shit. Make sure ain’t no crazy shit going on”

I smiled, taking a deep breath, watching as he opened the door, letting me out, then helped Gianna and held her close. She smiled, clapping at everybody that greeted Daniel It was cute.

Coming to her classroom, We both walked in. The classroom was so well lit. Bright with colors, appropriate toys and table size as well as chairs. I wanted to cry.

“Good Morning Mr. Bailon and Hi Gianna, it’s good seeing you again”

She hid into the neck of Daniel and her teacher turned towards me.

“And you must me Mia. It’s so nice to meet you. I’m Gianna teacher Danielle Bennett, her other teacher, who you will meet upon pickup is Siggi Nash.”

We shook hands, talking a bit more before she showed me around the classroom as well as the new cubby, and crib assigned to Kyrie.

“And dad says she’s still breastfed but weaning”

“Yes. I’ve packed her 4 bottles. She should only need 3 but a extra just incase. She drinks every 4 hours. She can have her breakfast after this next bottle at 8:30, then her lunch and next bottle at 12:30. After that she’ll sleep for a good 2, maybe 3 hours”

She nodded, and made sure to listen closely at every detail. It felt so good to be heard acknowledged.

“Alrighty. Bottle and food every 4 hours and is it solids or regular food”

“It’s regular food. I’ll send her with food every day. Once she wakes up she can do the 3rd bottle and her canister labeled snack. If she refuses a bottle, it’s okay. I’m trying to wean her complete. I’ll almost always pack extra food or enough food just in case she decided tly not drink a bottle. My goal is to... at least by time she’s 11 months to be fully done with breastmilk and on almond milk”

She nodded with a smile, and I glanced in the corner of my eye, watching as Daniel walked her around the class and looked out the window with her in his arms.

“Okay, got you. So this is her cubby. All of her soiled clothes, diaper and wipes reminder will be in here. We also post in the app we use, but in the even you don’t see it, we’ll always have it posted over her cubby”

“Okay, and I brought her a box or wipes and diapers. 2 sets of change of clothes, 2 pair of socks. She has a pacifier that can be kept here. If she doesn't keep her bows or socks on, they can just go back in her cubby. And I ask just all her clothes be returned”

“Absolutely, we don’t wanna loose those”

Walking over to Daniel and Gianna, I kissed her cheeks, grabbing her as he handed her to me. Taking in her scent, I took a deep breath and handed her to her teacher.

“Have a good day baby. See you later”

She smiled  me out the door, literally. No tears or anything. I scoffed, walking down the hall beside Daniel.

“What you got to do today?”

I exhaled and shook my head.

“Umm, I just gotta head to the office and plan a reception for a wedding on Friday. What about you?”

“I have a few High-IQ meetings. Less than 20 minutes. Then, I have a luncheon with Roc Nation around 2:30. If you’re free you should join me”

I exhaled and shrugged.

“Mmm I’ll see. I’ll text you”

He nodded, leaning in to kiss my cheek then opened the back door for me

Daniel

“Okay, closing statement from our Owner and CEO Mr. Daniel Bailon”

I exhaled, as I stood up from my chair at the head of the table and looked at everyone around the table. Like I said, I don’t like meetings unless they’re vital and extremely important. This wasn’t one of them. I was brought in to view number and progress. And while all of that was great, the product can use some work

“So first give yourselves a pat on the back because reviews and revenue are amazing... but, a word of advice”

I cleared my throat and pointed to the product in the middle of the table.

“Spend less time on finances, spend less time in a conference room, spend less time on PowerPoints, and more time on trying to make this product  as amazing as possible. Statistically speaking, out of 5 stars this is a 4, with 30 negative out of 100 collective reviews. That’s just okay. I want better. So, let’s work on that. In 2 weeks I want 5 starts with better reviews. Thank you guys. Lunch is also available”

They all nodded, shaking my hand as I walked out.  With my security ahead of me, I walked to the elevator. Taking a deep breath, my phone began to ring.

Daniel: What’s good

Quest: Nothin nigga. You free, we gonna pull up on you-

Daniel: I’m about to head to this luncheon, meeting with Tidal. I’m hit you after see what’s good

Quest: Iight my nigga

Hanging up I shook my head as I got off and hopped into the back of the SUV. Yeah I’ll admit life is good. But I’m still young. And the shit I wish I could do, I really can’t do. In the end though it’s all worth it, but my mind is still blown that a lot was cut short due to popularity, money and fame.

5:04 pm

“So uh.... how’s life man. How’s it treating you?”

Jay-Z spoke as I sat along side him, overlooking the pool of his Bel-Air home. Sipping a Dusse mix made by his bartender I nodded. Never in my life did I think I’d be rubbing elbows with Jay-Z, let alone having more money than him. Besides the money thing, this nigga stay dropping jewels. I’m a student. Since I inherited this money, he’s been a father figure to me, teaching me what and what not to do. How to run a business and a enterprise correctly. Like I said, he’s like a father for the past 4-5 years. Since I was a teen. I don’t even call him Jay, I call him pops.

“It’s all good. I met this .... this chick. She’s a planner. She got a daughter, I’m feeling her. But, she been through some shit, and I ain’t trynna fuck it up with her. I just know how I am, and I don’t know what it means to be in a healthy relationship”

He nodded. I told Mia I wasn’t like other niggas, but I got my ways. Not that I haven’t worked on them, I’m just worried about relapsing. Being a part of my fucked up environment.

“We don’t have to be circumstances of our environment son. We have mistakes and we have choices. Things that happened in your past were mistakes because you were young, careless, and unaware of the impact. But now, as a conscious man, we can’t repeat the same bad habits. Because at that point it would be a choice”

I nodded, understanding his view and continued listening.

“I know you see in your generation.... a..... uh.... fad to be a man with multiple women, and hoes, and so forth. But think of it this way, would you rather be a trend, or you rather be Ralph Lauren? You know what I mean; like, you rather be a trend, or you rather be forever? A trend dies out, hoes die out, a relationship last, love is forever”

I nodded, taking another sip of my drink and exhaled. See what I mean, puts it in better perspective. 

“You feel me?”

“Yeah, I feel you”

He nodded, patting my back then sitting back in his chair.

“I love you and care about you like a son. Bring her by, and bring her daughter by. Anytime you both need a break, she is welcome to come and play with the kids. You’re like my son man”

“I ‘preciate. And how about I take you up on that offer”

I laughed lowly.

“You not gonna give it a week or something?”

I laughed standing up and shook my head.

“I’m your son right. I think I should have unlimited babysitting services”

“I got you but don’t push it”

[kujo1597]

Actually, That Was a Good Thing

Care and self care are important. It can be hard to keep that in mind. Especially when you feel that you have a lot of wrongdoings to make up for. Sometimes a person has to step back and recover before they can continue to aid others.

And sometimes it takes a friendly voice to remind one of that.

You can also read this on Archive of Our Own.

Chapter 5

“You alright?”

Amethyst’s voice brought Peridot back to reality. “Huh? What?”

“You’ve been so quiet and you have such a distant look in your eye,” Amethyst elaborated. “We’re cuddled infront of the TV and you’re staring at a plant.”

“I’m okay,” Peridot didn’t sound it. “Just stressed. But I’m always stressed so it’s not a big deal.”

“Sounds like a big deal to me. You wanna talk about it?”

After much hesitation Peridot gave Amethyst a “maybe.”

“I’m all ears,” Amethyst tried to look Peridot in the eyes but it was hard with Peridot lying on top of her.

“One of my aunts-” just as Peridot was about to confide in Amethyst, Lapis walked into the house looking upset.

Peridot quickly got off of Amethyst, “Actually, I’ll talk later, Lapis needs me right now.”

Amethyst grabbed Peridot’s hand. “But you need to talk, she can wait.”

Peridot glanced towards Lapis’ room with an unsure expression. “I don’t know, I have a better handle on things than she does. I have to be there for her.”

She didn’t like it, but Amethyst let Peridot go.

She’s an outsider after all.

Turns out Lapis was very loud when she was upset, it sounded like her latest girlfriend wasn’t working out. Peridot wasn’t even remotely audible but Lapis’ frustrated replies sure were.

This put an uncomfortable feeling in Amethysts gut.

Ten minutes later Peridot returned looking even more stressed and distant.

“Peri...” Amethyst didn’t know what to say. “C’mon, sit. Let’s talk.”

As if he sensed Peridot’s distress Max ran into the room. She picked him up and buried her face into his fur. She then sat down next to Amethyst.

Amethyst wasn’t really sure where to begin, she put her hand on Peridot’s knee. “Does this happen a lot?”

“Not a lot,” Peridot replied sounding even worse than before, “just when she get a new girlfriend.”

So yes, a lot.

“It’s fine.”

Peridot says that a lot.

“I dunno Peri, you look like you need a break from this,” Amethyst tried to think of an escape for Peridot.

“Probably,” Peridot actually admitted it. “But Lapis needs me.”

“It might be good for you both. You can get away from some stress and she can start figuring out how to deal with things without you. I mean, you’re gonna move out some day.”

Right?

“I suppose I see your point and I guess I could prepare enough food to last her a couple days.”

“Or she could cook for herself.”

Peridot shook her head. “She can barely take care of herself when she's like this, her face was so thin when I moved in. Somebody needs to cook for her.”

“She’ll survive.”

“I know, I just worry. I owe her so much. She’s giving me a place to stay, and I can’t even afford to pay half the rent. Helping her is the least I can do.”

“Yeah, but this isn’t good for you, you’re falling apart.”

“That’s an exaggeration,” not in Amethyst’s option, “I’m just having a rough go of it right now. It’ll blow over. It always does.”

Things still weren’t sitting well with Amethyst. “I won’t force you to do anything but you should really consider that break.”

“I will consider it.”

They cuddled together but the mood wasn’t right. Things were still on Amethyst’s mind. “You still haven’t talked about what was stressing you out earlier. You still wanna?”

Peridot didn’t answer, Amethyst sighed. “Alright, you don’t have to.”

The rest of their evening together wasn’t as easy-going as it normally would be.

Hopefully next time will be better...

It wasn’t better.

Peridot didn’t seem as worn-out which was good but Lapis’ mood was even worse. Peridot comforted her and came back looking awful.

That isn’t good, it’s not healthy.

Amethyst decided to be firm.

“Does Lapis ever even thank you for doing that?”

“Well, she never says the words ‘thank you’ but I can tell she appreciates it. And she also listens to me and occasionally gives me advice. It’s not as one-sided as you seem to think. This is just a bit of a rough patch.”

“Pretty long for a rough patch.”

“Yeah, they don’t usually last this long,” Peridot couldn’t help agreeing. “It’ll be fine.”

Amethyst looked Peridot firmly in the eyes. “I said I wouldn’t force you to do anything and I mean it. But if this is still going on a week from now I’m gonna pester you about that break.”

“Why are you being so stubborn about this?” Peridot looked almost as if nobody’s ever cared about her.

“You’re not the only one that worries.”

Amethyst pulled Peridot into a hug. “Please, take care of yourself.”

A week later Amethyst got a phone call from Peridot.

“Hey Peri, what’s up?”

Peridot sighed. “I need that break.”

Amethyst debated asking for more info but Peridot’s tone told her that it’s not something that should be discussed over the phone. “Yeah, sure. Why don’t you stay over for a couple days?”

“What about Max? Don’t you have a cat?”

“Lion? Nah, he’s a stray Steven’s tamed. He rarely over.”

“Alright, I’d need you to pick me up; I don’t want to strand Lapis.”

“No problem, I can pick you up later today if you want. Or tomorrow, any time really.”

“Tomorrow will be best. I have some prep work to do.”

“...You’re cooking meals for Lapis, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, but you’re right, I won’t always live with Lapis but maybe I should wean her. I’m mostly just doing prep-work for a couple days from now, she can warm up leftovers tomorrow. She’ll have to actually cook after that.”

Well, it’s a start...

“Okay, pick you up at at ten AM?”

“That sounds good. See you then.”

“See ya.”

Amethyst hung up.

So Peridot agreed to take that break on her own.

Things must have been really bad.

When Amethyst came over to pick Peridot up Lapis was nowhere to be found.

“She stepped out earlier,” Peridot explained. “She didn’t say where she was going. But it’s not like she’s never done this before.”

Peridot looked concerned but okay otherwise.

What a relief.

“Ready to go?”

“Yep,” Peridot replied. “I’ll need to ride in the back with Max. It’s safer for him that way.”

They got into Amethyst’s car after loading up Peridot’s belongings and drove off.

“I know you want to ask about what happened,” Peridot spoke from the back seat. “It was pretty much the same as what you’ve already seen. I just couldn’t take it anymore, you’re right, it was wearing me out.” Peridot sighed. “Hopefully getting away for a few days will help.”

“It should, sometimes when I get sick of Pearl I go to my hometown for a bit. That helps me.”

“So you’ve been through the same thing?” Peridot was intrigued, Amethyst never talks about herself.

“Not exactly,” Amethyst replied. “My issue with Pearl is that she’s constantly riding my ass.” Amethyst started doing a Pearl impression. “Amethyst, don’t leave your bras lying around. Amethyst, watch your language around Steven. Amethyst, no rough housing. Oh Amethyst, that’s absolutely disgusting, don’t do that ever again.” The impression stopped. “I just get sick of it, y’know.”

“She sounds like the Pearl I knew in college. I almost stepped out on a couple projects because of it. It didn’t help that we had some communication issues due to my dyslexia. It’s not something I can help so you’d think she would’ve been more patient with me.”

“You’re dyslexic?”

That’s news.

“Yeah, you didn’t notice?”

“Well, yeah, some of your texts are a bit jumbled but I figured you were just in a rush.”

“Nope, dyslexic. I try to catch any errors but some always get through.”

“Don’t you code for a living? Doesn’t that make it hard?”

“A little. It’s why I’ll never work for a large company. I can’t do strict deadlines.”

“I can see that, well, hopefully you’ll find a company that understands.”

“A stable income would be nice,” Peridot wanted to immediately write Amethyst’s sentiment off but a little optimism may her her some good.

Neither of them did much more talking on the way to Amethyst’s house.

Amethyst helped Peridot bring her luggage into the house. A couple suitcases, her laptop, dog things, books, and some handhelds and games.

Steven met them at the door and practically squealed when he saw Max. “Oh my gosh. He looks like a teddy bear!”

“Yep, cute, isn’t he?” Peridot loves it when kids react that way to Max.

She put Max on the floor and weirdly he stuck next to her. “Go on Max, that’s Steven. Say hi.”

Max stayed put, he cheerfully wagged his tail but he didn’t leave Peridot’s side. Steven called him but he still stayed.

“I’m sorry Steven,” Peridot said with a frown. “He’s very friendly but I’m not doing too well so he’s worried. Max is more than just a cute pet, he has an important job and well, he’s pretty married to his work. I’m sure he’ll play with you later.”

“Okay,” Seven didn’t sound as disappointed as Peridot expected. “Here, I’ll help you carry your stuff.”

He took the dog supplies from Amethyst and brought them to the kitchen.

“So, you want your own room or are we bunking together?” Amethyst asked as her and Peridot walked up the stairs.

Peridot hadn’t even considered the second option. “Would there be enough room for both myself and Max?”

Amethyst didn’t really expect Peridot to agree to sharing a bed. “There should be, my bed’s pretty big.”

“And we’re both pretty tiny. If it doesn’t work out I could always move to the guest room.”

They entered Amethyst’s honestly, kind of disorderly room and Peridot immediately put her things on the floor.

“Um, I don’t have a spare drawer so you can put your clothes in a guest room,” Amethyst didn’t quite expect Peridot to just dump her stuff there, she’s usually so organized.

“It’s alright, I’ve lived out of a suitcase before, and for longer.”

“Okay then,” Amethyst pointed at her recently cleared off desk. “You can can set up your laptop on there if you want.

Peridot did so and Amethyst could tell she was debating getting some work done.

“You can work if you want,” Amethyst said. “I’ll get you when it’s lunch time.”

Peridot nodded. “Yeah, I think I’ll do that.”

With a wave Amethyst left the room and went down the stairs.

“You never said anything about a dog,” Pearl greeted her at the bottom of the steps wearing a disapproving expression. “You know I don’t like dogs.”

“He’s a tiny little thing, you won’t even notice him.”

“Small dogs are constantly underfoot.”

“Max got special training ‘cause of Peri’s prosthetic, he stays away from feet.”

“And the barking?”

“I’ve never heard him bark,” Amethyst wasn’t in the mood for Pearl’s nagging. “He won’t cause any trouble.”

Pearl pursed her lips. “I don’t understand why it couldn’t stay at home.”

“Nobody’s there to look after him,” Amethyst decided to leave out the part about him being Peridot’s companion animal, it took a bit for Peridot to tell even her.

“Alright,” Pearl conceded, “it can stay but the second it causes trouble it’s going home or to a kennel. I don’t care which.”

“Won’t happen, he’s the best behaved pooch I’ve ever met.”

“It’d better be.”

Amethyst mocked Pearl the second she left the room.

Ugh, the nerve of her.

When Peridot saw Pearl at lunch there was a flash of recognition on her face.

“You must be Peridot,” Pearl offered her hand. “Amethyst told me about you, I’m Pearl.”

Peridot looked irritated as she shook Pearl’s hand. “I’m Peridot.”

Garnet waved from the other end of the table. “Garnet.”

The irritated expression vanished. “Nice to meet you Garnet.”

During lunch there was this odd one-sided tension between Peridot and Pearl. Peridot was weirdly passive-aggressive too.

Aside from chiding Steven for giving scraps to Max, Peridot was her usual self with everybody but Pearl.

Amethyst couldn’t help wondering if her stories coloured Peridot’s opinion of Pearl.

She decided to talk to Peridot after lunch.

“She doesn’t remember me.”

Amethyst didn’t even get a chance to start the conversation.

“Who? Pearl?”

“We worked together for years and she doesn’t remember me,” Peridot looked very annoyed.

“Well, Pearl’s not the best with faces,” Amethyst wasn’t really sure what to do, she’s never seen Peridot like this before.

“She punched me in the face and she doesn’t remember me,” Peridot’s voice rose as she spoke. “She’s why I’m missing a tooth!”

That solved that mystery.

Peridot continued, “okay sure, I deserved it, I said some horrible things. But still! That should have at least made in impression!”

“Hold on, what did you say to her?” Amethyst had to get that out of the way, she whispered, “it wasn’t about her being trans, was it?”

Peridot looked offended. “What? No! I admit I used to be a bad person but I was never deplorable. I basically said that somebody her age could never be as good with tech as me, I just went on and on about it too. My psychiatrist said, and I agree, that I was likely projecting my issues with my mother onto her since they’re around the same age. Obviously that doesn’t make it right and I did apologize. I’m not mad that she punched me, I’m mad because she forgot about me. We had some good times too.”

Turns out Peridot talked a mile a minute when she was upset. Amethyst couldn’t find a good place to jump in.

Where could she even start? Peridot being a bad person at one point? Her mother issues? Not being mad about getting punched in the face?

“What do you mean you used to be a bad person?” That was probably the most important, if it was really horrible it’d be good to know relatively early on.

The look of genuine shame showed on Peridot’s face. “I had a huge chip on my shoulder, I was under constant pressure from my mother and took it out on others. I was never physically violent but I said said some terrible things and brought a lot of people down.” 

Peridot sighed heavily. “I was awful and when I re-evaluated my life and what I was doing to others I decided to try to make up for it. It’s when I started to prioritize everybody over myself. Now I do everything I can to make people feel good,” 

She looked so worn out. “I need to make up for how horrible I was.”

Amethyst gently hugged Peridot. “Peri, just learning from your mistakes is good enough. You don’t need to give every part of yourself away to make amends.”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you broke up with me,” Peridot’s voice was strained.

“Don’t be ridiculous, I love you too much to leave over stuff you did in the past.”

“You love me?”

Amethyst didn’t even realize that she’d never said it before. “Yeah, I really love you.”

“I love you too,” Peridot barely managed to say this before breaking down.

They embraced in the kitchen, Peridot’s been bottling up her tears for god knows how long. She cried and cried into Amethyst’s shoulder. Sometimes quiet’s best so Amethyst just rubbed Peridot's back as she finally let down her shield.

Unbeknownst to them, Garnet saw the whole thing. She made sure nobody went into the kitchen until they were finished.

Amethyst was the first to speak after they separated. “Feeling better?”

Peridot nodded. “I have a headache now but my chest feels lighter.”

“Crying’s good sometimes.”

"Yeah, thank you Amethyst."

"Any time," Amethyst hugged Peridot.

After being assured that nobody could tell that she was just crying, Peridot agreed to join everyone in the living room.

Steven looked a bit concerned but didn't say anything and Pearl took a good look at Peridot as of she was trying to place her face.

The large group watched TV together.

After a few rounds of Kitchin Kalamity everybody went to bed.

Peridot rummaged through her duffel bag and couldn't find what she was looking for.

"Do you have any makeup remover I could use?"

"You wear makeup?" Automatically left Amethyst's mouth. "Um, yeah, it should be on my bathroom counter."

It took a little bit for Peridot to leave the washroom wearing her night clothes. And something other than her plugs was missing...

Her eyebrows!

"You're naturally blonde?" Amethyst knew that was a bit of a strong reaction. "Isn't your dad Asian?"

"He is, it's incredibly rare but this is just how my genetics worked out," Peridot didn't seem too bothered by Amethyst's reaction. "I think I look kind of scary when I don't colour them."

"So how do you colour them? It doesn't look like you use a pencil, I've seen that plenty of times."

"When I was younger I heard you could use mascara to do so, so I do."

Amethyst snickered. "You use mascara on your eyebrows?"

"Sure do," Peridot replied as she sat next to Amethyst, she removed her prosthesis. "The black's probably too dark but I have so much of it."

"Nah, the black looks good, and so does au naturale by the way." 

“You know me so of course you don’t think it looks scary. I’m thinking from the perspective of a stranger.”

“I dunno, both’s good if you ask me,” Amethyst was trying not to stare at Peridot's residual limb, she's never actually seen one in person before. "So, now I gotta put lotion on your back, right?"

"If you don't mind," the reply came while Peridot had her tanktop halfway off. "I think I might've forgotten to put some on my neck so I'd like you to do that too."

"No sweat," Amethyst squirted some lotion into her hand then got her first look at Peridot's back.

It was worse looking than she expected, she thought it would look like Peridot's face or arms.

"You'll have to rub harder than that."

Amethyst had no idea how long she was staring for. "I haven't started yet."

"Oh good," Peridot laughed. "I was worried I lost more feeling than I thought." The laughter stopped. "I can do it if you've changed your mind."

"Wha- no- I just... I'm afraid I'll hurt you. You're so tiny and your back looks kinda raw in parts."

"Does it? I've never gotten a good look at it. Don't worry though, I'm fully healed. It's impossible for you to hurt me." Peridot rubbed her upper-arm quite hard to convince Amethyst of that.

Amethyst spread lotion onto the scarred surface, she started off very gentle but as she got used it she rubbed a bit harder.

"Am I doing okay?" Nerves were clear in Amethyst's voice.

"Yeah, this feels really nice actually," Amethyst could hear Peridot smiling.

"Glad to hear it," inspiration hit Amethyst. "Maybe I can massage you tomorrow night."

"I've never had a massage before," somehow, Amethyst wasn't surprised. "I hear they're nice. I'd like to try one."

Amethyst chuckled. "Alright, be sure to remind me."

With a quick pass over Peridot's neck, Amethyst was finished. Right before they lied down Peridot put some lotion her stump.

"It's kinda funny, since you needed a new foot I assumed your old one melted."

"It did melt a bit but there's lots of layers between my socket and leg. I'm kind of glad for that, I image removing plastic that's melted to you would really hurt." Peridot frowned with thought. "Well, I was passed out so I guess I wouldn't have felt it anyway."

It was interesting how open Peridot was about her burns and the fire but not much else that she's been through. 

Almost like- Oh no...

But Peridot's had a rough day so Amethyst put off asking about it.

Peridot got settled in on her back and Max curled up on her stomach. 

Amethyst lied next to them.

"Would it be alright if we talked a bit more?"

"Ah, that's right, you're never in bed this early. Sure, we can talk." Peridot lifted her left leg. "I like to let the lotion soak in before I put my sock on anyway."

Amethyst rested her head on Peridot's chest while she tried to think of a topic.

Something didn't sound right...

"So Peri, how're you liking the new Pokémon cartoon?"

"It's so fun and cute!" The reply was more than enthusiastic. "I was worried because it was advertised as having 'a laugh a minute.' I like comedy but more in moderation."

"I get that. So, any highlights? I'm still not sure if I wanna watch it."

"Ash's Rowlet was raised by a really wonderful family of Pikipek and its evolutionary line. I loved seeing it. Oh but the poor dear, he's always dozing off because he's nocturnal but was raised by a diurnal family." Peridot laughed, it sounded fine out of her mouth but her chest rattled a little.

Amethyst ignored it as they talked more Pokémon.

But the sound didn't go away. "Are you getting sick?"

"No, why?" Peridot looked down at Amethyst with those curious silver eyes of hers, another beautiful result of weird genetics.

"Your breathing just sounds, I dunno, rough?"

"Oh, yeah, that's just the lung damage," Peridot was so non-chalant. "It's nothing to worry about."

"Okay," Amethyst decided to take Peridot's word for it. "You'd tell me if you were sick, right?"

"Of course, you'd be the first to know, well, third after myself and Max. He picks up on that type of thing before I do."

"Little guy's perceptive," with a smile Amethyst patted Max on the head and he grumbled a bit. "Oops, guess he's telling me we should be asleep."

Peridot smiled. "Yeah, we're on a schedule. So if you don't mind," with a surprising amount of flexibility Peridot slipped a sock onto her stump. "I'd like to go to sleep."

"Alright, night Peri."

"Goodnight Amethyst."

They gave each other a quick kiss goodnight before Amethyst turned off the lamp.

[takanos-love-butt]

World’s Greatest ‘Mary-Sue’

Chapter 3:  Case of Mama Bear and Papa Bear

((Read first:  Prologue|Chapter 1|Chapter 2))

((Note before you read:  When I write on Trifecta I'll base it off the light novels dealing with the Trifecta pairing and not just what you find in the anime/manga.  So if you haven't read them yet, September scanlations translated it to English and put it on Novel Updates.  They have up to Volume 6 so be sure to read them!  I've actually run across MANY in the fandom who don't know about these and/or don't realize these novels are canon...))

“You're just being shy, you know that right?”

“I just don't want to do it...here,”

“Aw c'mon, just for a little while?”

“No.”

Yokozawa didn't know how many times he's had to tell Kirishima he just didn't want to be so intimate in the presence of Hiyori.  What the editor in chief was asking for though, wasn't anything you'd find in the books one would keep under their bed.  “I'm sure Hiyori wouldn't mind us cuddling a bit. Besides, she's sleeping,”

“Right, why don't you do the fatherly thing and carry her to bed?” the grumpy bear's eye twitched as he struggled to finish his last beer for the night.  He was getting kinda sleepy which was the purpose of his drinking in the first place; a way to wind down for the night.  They had a lovely family night with dinner and a children's movie that Hiyo borrowed from Yuki-chan.  All the excitement wore Hiyo down before drowsiness could ever touch the two that were quietly bickering at the moment.  

“Yeah I suppose you're right,” Kirishima just sighed and got up to do as told. “You're mine after I get back though,” he started for Hiyori's room with her in his arms; Sorata close at his heels.  Yokozawa just rolled his eyes in response.  But he really just couldn't get by how Kirishima would look doing fatherly tasks.  He just looked so sweet.  

When Kirishima returned, he found Yokozawa texting someone on his phone.  “Heeey, I said no answering to work!”

“This isn't work, it's family,” he causally replied.

“Ah...everything is okay, right?”

“Hm?  Oh yes,” Yokozawa said figuring why he might've asked.  “It's not an emergency or anything, just seeing if I could spare some time,”

“Hmm,” Kirishima pondered. “Say...you've met my family, when can I meet yours?” he asked. Since their relationship started, Yokozawa has had the pleasure of meeting not just Kirishima's daughter, but his mother and father as well.  It would only be right that Kirishima himself could meet another member of the Yokozawas.  

“You wanna meet my family, huh?” Yokozawa replied a little embarrassed.  He was touched of course and he had a great relationship with his parents and sister, but it was still a little embarrassing to expose another deep part of what made Yokozawa Takafumi.

“Of course!  It's only natural I meet the family of the person I love!” Kirishima said claiming a place much closer to Yokozawa. “Besides, I wanna see all who influenced the our famous wild bear!”  he nuzzled his 'mama' bear's neck.  

Yokozawa immediately blushed and tried to back away, “Oi...I said not out here...” He was always uptight about him doing these things in the living areas where Hiyori usually played and spent her time.  Not only that, but she can also easily get up out of bed for the bathroom or glass of water.  

“Mmmm should I carry you to my bedroom then?” Kirishima purred never ceasing  in his advances.  “I really just wanted to cuddle you, but your shyness turns me on so much...” his nuzzling turning to small suckling kisses.

“Who's being shy!  I told you how I feel about...” he was cut off by Kirishima capturing his lips in a deep kiss.  As always, his kisses were highly intoxicating.  They manage to make Yokozawa so weak every time.  “S..stop this...”

/(^x^)\

Yokozawa managed to make it to his sister's condo. His lower back hurt so bad he wasn't sure if he could stand for very long.  “Damn him...”

Meiri answered the door to him with a small gym bag on her shoulder.  She'd be staying with her brother while her husband was on tour with his musical troupe.  Pervs seemed to love when Takuya wasn't home and their celebrity status made it all the more difficult.  So she'd 'hide out' with her brother while he was gone.  “Hi Taka-chan!” she cheerfully greeted.  “Say did you do overtime last night?  You look awfully worn out,” she questioned when she saw how tired he looked.

Her brother sighed, “Yeah you could say that,”

When they got back to his home, she noticed he was having a hard time sitting and she was growing a little concerned.  “You know, hernias aren't that uncommon in younger men.  Perhaps you should go check if you have one and nip it in the bud before it gets worse,” Meiri suggested totally oblivious as to the real reason he had a hard time sitting.  

“Yeah...I should,” the look on his face couldn't be more awkward.  If it really were a medical problem it wouldn't be as embarrassing to talk about.  But since he knew that wasn't the case....

After they arrived, Meiri set to making herself at home like she always did.  She'd even make the meals and clean up a little.  Not that his apartment needed it much.  “Hey, where's Sorata?” She asked noticing the elder feline wasn't around at all.  Usually he'd cuddle with Meiri as she settled into his couch with a fuzzy blanket and a good book.  

“Ahh...he's with Takano,” Yokozawa lied.  He couldn't understand why he just couldn't tell his own sister about his relationship with Kirishima (which would ultimately explain where Sorata was).  He knew she would never be prejudiced at all.  So...why couldn't he just tell her about his new flame? “I..I've been doing some pretty heavy all nighters for the time being with Za Kan's new anime movie coming out...so...”

“Ahh I see.  Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” he said settling in with a couple of beers for him and Meiri.  He did get a little nervous at what she was about to ask.

“Did something happen with Takano-san?  You guys aren't as close as I'd thought you'd be....or could it be because of...” she wasn't sure if she should even say Onodera's name.  She had sneaking suspicion about those two since she'd first started with their department and they seemed to be far closer than boss and subordinate.  But she also knew of Yokozawa's one-sided affection for Takano.  

Yokozawa just sighed and went into how he received a definite rejection from Takano and his decision was Onodera. “He's not at fault, I only brought this on myself.  So don't go having horrid feelings toward Takano just because I got hurt in that,”

Before she started working with Emerald, Meiri only knew of Takano from what Yokozawa would tell her at family gatherings and such, but never got the chance to formally meet him as her brother's friend.  When he'd met Takano, she had just gotten married and of course set off to care for her new husband. Much of her mangas were written backstage while Takuya was rehearsing/performing or touring with certain musical companies.  It was really the only way her and her husband could spend time with each other while following both of their dreams.  

“Yeeeaaahh, I don't know how many times I warned you not to keep hold of this one sided love you had. From what you told me, I could tell he wasn't really...um..” she stumbled over her words.  She didn't want to hurt him on this tender subject by being insensitive and was glad she caught herself.  He really was to blame, but she figured he'd already been admonishing himself about it enough.  “I'm.....really sorry that happened though.  You're gonna be okay, right?” Meiri comforted.  Her brother also just confirmed that there really is something going on between her boss and coworker like she had suspected. Though it was definitely not the right time to make a comment about that.  

“Hm?  Ah yes.  You have a strong big brother you know,” he replied.  His smile could've looked sad, but the fact that it really didn't really concerned Meiri.  

He's not hiding his sadness...is he? she mused.  “Well...just in case, you can always vent to me if need be.  Don't bottle up all that sadness behind this strong face of yours,”  Meiri smiled warmly at him, “I know you're strong.  You helped me through my own love troubles after all, so I know you could follow the advice you used to give me.  Though everyone was kinda surprised that you guys didn't have a screaming match like you usually do the last time you came up...well according to the rest of the Emeralds,” she laughed popping open her offered beer.  “But I guess that's just you being awkward in talking to him again?”

“We did have a nice chat to make sure there are no hurt feelings, but yes, it really is still a little awkward.  I can't avoid talking to him, though.  He runs one of my magazines,” he answered.  He was always able to talk with his sister like this.  They were each other's agony aunts if need be. Great at teasing each other, amazing at knowing how to love each other as siblings their age.  “Don't worry...I am weaning out of it, so hopefully I'll get to pal around with him again like we used to,”

/(^x^)\

It was a rather slow day at the office; it was still early in the cycle so nothing was chaotic just yet, but getting there.  Kirishima found himself already very agitated, however.  For some odd reason, Yokozawa seemed apprehensive about staying at his place.  Hiyori wasn't home either, she'd gone with her grandparents on a trip during the school holiday so he was getting terribly lonely.  He knows Yokozawa might be busy, but if that were really the case, the sales rep would actually be more straight forward.  Instead, when asked why, Yokozawa would not really make eye contact, or give an unsteady answer.  Only drawing suspicion from the editor in chief of Japun.

That's when a bright idea hit him.  If Yokozawa wasn't going to stay with him, he'd go stay with Yokozawa. He had his key, he could surprise him at home and get him to spill what the big deal was.  He had enough frustration pent up to see why Yokozawa seemed 'shyer' than usual.  Frustration in more ways than one.  

He'd managed to leave earlier than his mama bear which was perfect.  He not once had an awkward feeling about letting himself into Yokozawa's apartment.  He belongs to him after all.  Didn't take him too long to make it to his apartment either; even bought some beer for them to share.  Upon entering said apartment however, he would feel his heart drop to the floor.  There was someone napping on the couch and that person happened to be a woman.  A manga storyboard was spread out on the coffee table, but the strange woman in his lover's apartment held his attention.  What the hell?

Upon closer inspection, he actually recognized this woman as being the sole female of the Emerald team.  “Uehara...san?” his mood softened a bit as he remembered her being happily married and would at times gush about her husband, but he was still very very very confused.

As soon as Meiri heard her name she rose from her nap wondering why her brother was addressing her so formally.  She was still too drowsy to realize it wasn't him, “Come on Taka-chan we're not at work, you don't have to--” When she opened her eyes, she immediately jumped and hid behind the couch.  “Kyaaaa!”  Kirishima jumped as well when she screamed, but stood his ground.  

“K...Kirishima-san??!! Geez you scared the life out of me,” she said as soon as she recognized him.”What are you doing here....wait...how did you get in here?” Meiri tried to rub the fatigue out of her head.

“I'd like to ask you the same thing,” the awkwardness could really be felt in that moment. “But..Yokozawa gave me a key...”

“Well my reason is my husband is touring with the Legally Blonde Musical right now. So I stay with Taka-chan while he's gone,”

“Are you guys are really that close?” Kirishima asked, his heart tightened in his chest with painful confusion.  She was just a coworker...right? But she used what's considered a 'pet' name for him. Is she cheating on her husband? It was a shameful first thought and he was probably going to kick himself for it once this was ironed out.

Meiri came back around to the front of his sofa not sensing any danger; only confusion.  “I would like to believe so.  He might not have told you, but I'm his younger sister.”

A wave of relief just washed over him then (let the mental kicking begin).  And was probably too apparent when he gave a sigh of relief.  “Ooooh...you're his younger sister?!” he let himself relax in the chair opposite the couch.  

Now Meiri was wondering who Kirishima thought she was to Yokozawa.  “Yeah. And I'm assuming you're pretty close to him too?  You have his key don't you?  And from the look of it, you don't look like you're here to rob the place unless you're trying to steal our beer,” she noted the plastic bag he'd came in with.  

“Oh I brought this with me,” Kirishima then let a smile creep across his face as he got ready to answer her next question.  “You can say we're close.  Very. Close,”

Meiri blinked at his answer before letting a smile of her own reach her cheekbones as all the pieces were coming together.  “Are you perhaps the real reason he couldn't sit properly yesterday?”  

Kirishima snorted hearing that.  But he knew what she was getting at and definitely wasn't ashamed.  And what she was known for made him all the more comfortable in telling her. “Maaaybe,”

“Ahhhh  now I get it...it all makes sense now.  Aww but he was probably just waiting for the perfect time to tell me about you guys.  I think you just ruined a good surprise for me,”

“Well he didn't have to hide the fact that you were his sister.  You and I both work on the same floor, we're actually around each other more than I'm around him to be honest,”

“Oh actually...that's understandable,” she began.  “My celebrity status would be pretty troublesome for my family should everyone find out our relations.  Yes I'm a known yaoi author, but my husband makes it ten times worse by being a very popular actor for the Amuse agency,” she laughed a little while she explained.  “That kind of information shouldn't be thrown around so freely and he understands that.  So please realize it's really tricky when it comes to actually telling anyone, you shouldn't hold it against him,”

“Ah I guess you're right when you put it that way,” he smiled at her reaching for the beer he'd brought with him.  “Would you like one?”

“Sure!” she accepted his little gift.  “You know I could still act surprised about your relationship if you want.  Though I'm sure he knows I can easily figure these things out,” she motioned to her free lance storyboard on the coffee table.

“He's going to know the secret's out once he sees me sitting here talking to you,” Kirishima laughed a bit.  “I didn't tell him I'd be coming,”

“Yes, because if you did, he'd would've told me to expect you and I wouldn't have nearly wet my pjs,” she gave a soft glare at him.  

Kirishima laughed, “Ah I'm so sorry! I came over to surprise him not you.  See, he wouldn't give me a straight answer why he couldn't stay with me since my daughter was traveling with my parents.  So I came to confront him about it...”

“And you ended up confronting the reason instead,” Meiri playfully rolled her eyes.  “I have a feeling he must love your scheming,” she said sarcastically.

“Oh I'm confident he loves much more than that,” he smiled taking his first sip.

Meiri's heart skipped just then.  Could this be?  “So...my brother really found someone that...loves him back?” more a rhetorical question, yes.  She was just trying to let it sink in.  “I thought he was going to be so dispirited after he told me what happened with Takano-san, but...”

Kirishima gave a soft smile when the mood sobered up.  “I didn't let him have time to get that depressed and fall too hard. I caught him just in time,” he confirmed.  Of course he wasn't going to go into how he actually had to trap this wild bear before Yokozawa's feelings caught up with his own, but the point he was making was clear.  

Meiri felt a weight lift off her.  She actually started to worry about her brother being deeply depressed and he was hiding it from her.  She was even planning to keep a close eye on him since hearing the story, but now sees she really had no reason to worry at all.  Hearing these gentle words, her features then expressed so much joy and before the head editor could look up, he found himself in a sudden embrace.  “Thank you!!  Thank you so much!!  You don't how worried I was getting....you really don't....” her voice shook a little at the end of her statement.  

Kirishima was reminded then how he found Yokozawa that night in the bar.  The supposed night that Takano had declared his love for Onodera once and for all fully rejecting the one they both loved so much.  Hearing that her brother had to go through such pain must've weighed heavily on her own heart.  He put his free arm around her.  “I think I have a good idea of how worried you were.  He's an amazing man who has a wonderful family behind him that I hope to meet the rest of one day.  I also hope to share in all that family love from his side like he does from mine...”

Meiri's heart swelled so much. The emotion wouldn't let her stand on her feet while she was embracing him in the chair so she ended up letting herself fall into his lap.“I have the greatest feeling you already receive a lot of his love.  I can see these things remember?” she sat up from the embrace she had him in initially and began counting on her fingers. “You have a key to his place, he spends a lot of time at your house apparently, you just said he's been accepted by your family....and sorry to sound so awkward, but with the way his ass hurt yesterday...he actually let you make an uke out of him. He totally gave up his pride for you,” Meiri then began to crack up when the fact her brother was an uke was starting to sink in.  “Oh dear lord, my brother is an uke. How on earth did you manage that?” she laughed hard not really expecting an answer.

“I can tell you're not sorry about being awkward,” he scoffed directing attention to the fact that she was sitting his lap.  “And I actually don't know how I managed that to be honest,”

“Yeah you're right, I'm not sorry...but maybe I'm just happy I have a new Niichan!”she smiled brightly.  

Kirishima then felt his heart nearly explode.  Yokozawa's own sister was calling him her brother; though she had an odd way of showing it.  But just knowing this touched his heart to a great extent.  He was officially accepted by a member of his true love's immediate family.  “Really?  I can be your brother?” he asked soberly.

“Why wouldn't you be?  You...deeply love my brother, yes?”

“Of course! Never question that,” he declared.  “I keep suggesting he marry me and come to live with us,” that just slipped out without meaning to.  

“Ah!  Well see??  Then you are my new brother-in-law!” she answered his declaration with her own. Her heart leaped again hearing Kirishima say he wants to marry him.  

The chief editor's heart warmed. Already he was being treated like family by his loves dear sister. “Well if I am, then you should know you have a niece,”

“And I have a niece!! Yay!” she said excitedly flinging her arms around him again. She was very very excited.  It was like her brother went and got a family of his own without telling her, but she was far from holding it against him.  

“Eh...ah Uehara-san, your beer's getting warm,” Kirishima said really seeing if that would make her leave his lap.  She had some quirky ways of showing family affection at her age, he just wasn't used to it.  Not only that, he couldn't very well drink his own beer with her in his lap.  

“Ah...yes, yes it is!” She said getting up and heading over to where she left her beer, planting herself back in her spot on the couch.   “Call me Meiri-chan by the way.  If Taka-chan and even my fellow Emeralds call me that, then my new brother can definitely call me Meiri-chan,” she beamed.  

It was then the front door opened. “I'm home,” Yokozawa called as he came in.  He was paying attention to getting his shoes off at the genkan.  Not suspecting anything since  he wasn't looking up.

“Ah welcome home, Taka-chan!” Meiri greeted from her place on the couch.  

“Yes, welcome home Taka-chan,” Kirishima smiled following Meiri's lead.  The name Meiri used for Yokozawa tickled Kirishima to no end.  Perhaps he'll call him that from now on?

Yokozawa's heart nearly stopped seeing his partner and his sister sitting and chatting as if it were normal. “Oi, wh...what are you doing here?” the question obviously directed to his partner on the chair sitting opposite of Meiri.  

“Well you see, my fellow editor here wanted some advice so she called me here for a meeting,” Kirishima joked.  

“Oh so you're going to blame your surprise visit on me?  I see how it is...” she laughed at his teasing.  

“If you two think I'm going to buy that, you're both idiots...”

“Aww c'mon, It's not like I'm not welcome, right?” Kirishima put on his best puppy dog look. Yokozawa's response was a simple roll of his eyes.  Now there was just one thing worrying him.

“So um, what did I miss for this little 'meeting'?”  

Meiri had a feeling this would now start to get awkward.  “Well...I think a beer?  Don't worry, there's plenty more,” she put on another smile.  

“You know that's not what I'm talking about,” Yokozawa answered her seemingly innocent remark.  “I mean...you know now, don't you...” he didn't think it'd be time to tell her so soon.  The culprit who bumped up the date of coming out to her just took a sip of his beer while Yokozawa awaited her answer.

“Well...I know you probably wanted to wait until the perfect time....to tell me at some point that you were an uke,” Meiri said in a teasing manner.  She knew he was trying to be serious about this, but he really didn't have to bring the entire mood down with it.  

Kirishima nearly spit his drink; he wasn't expecting her to say it in that manner.  He tried as best he could not to bust out laughing while Yokozawa's eyes went wide.  “OI!  Y..you didn't have to tell her that much!!!” he shot at Kirishima; his face going red.  

“He didn't tell me crap!” Meiri cracked up; answering for the head editor.  “Just Kirishima-san having a key to your place told me everything.  Seeing as how it heavily links up to why you were so worn out with your back and ass hurting yesterday morning!  Do you know how many times I've written situations like this?”

“Oh how could I forget,” He wanted to yell and call her on her teasing, but there wasn't going to be a good come back.  Before he could say much more he found himself in an embrace.  His sister holding him tight.  

“Taka-chan....don't be embarrassed. I'm really really happy for you.  You finally found someone who loves you back.  I can tell just by talking with him he loves you so much. And you love him too don't you?”

Yokozawa blushed deeply at her words, “Y...yes...I do,” was all he could muster up while he returned her embrace.  He must've worried her when he told her what happened with Takano.  The perfect time to tell her about Kirishima was then and there and he felt silly now trying to keep it from her.  He squeezed her gently, “I'm sorry if I worried you,”

It was then that Kirishima came from behind Yokozawa and hugged them both.  “Hey no fair getting all the family love yourselves,”

“Yay group hug!” Meiri giggled knowing that this was embarrassing her brother quite a bit, but it was all in good fun.  “Aw come on Taka-chan, you don't need to blush that much,”

“Yeah Taka-chan!” Kirishima was having too much fun at this point.  “We're only family,”

Yokozawa's heart was now beating like crazy when he realize just how deep those words could go.  “Oh...kay you both can get off me now, I'm going to go change...” he said after swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Would you like any help?” Kirishima offered with a grin.  There was no point in being shy flirting with him in front of his sister.

“I think I can manage,” the grumpy bear shot at him. He didn't mean for it to sound harsh, but embarrassment in high levels usually made him bark.  And that's what they BOTH absolutely loved about him. “Now please let me go! ….both of you!!”

After he was in the bedroom, Kirishima sighed.  “Ahhh I think we made him grumpy...”

“I think you'll find that we always tease each other like that.   Stupid conversations like ours make us look like slapstick comedians to be honest.  So yeah welcome to the family!”

“Well..I look forward to the show! Hey I might even join in if I can,” he chuckled.  That did ease Kirishima a bit though.  He figured by the way she talked to him this wasn't as bad as it sounded, matter of fact, seemed like Yokozawa was used to it.  

It wasn't long before Yokozawa himself reemerged into the semi-awkward atmosphere.  “You better not be thinking to put this in one of your stories either Missy...”

“And you wonder why I can't come up with a new series,” Meiri teased him again.  

“Make hit series without my influence, please?” Yokozawa countered.

“D'aaawww c'mon, you don't think we'd make lovely characters in a BL?  All the fujoshis would just love your tsundere attitude!” Kirishima joined in.

“An uke and a tsundere...didn't know you had it in you!” Meiri chimed. “You really are the perfect boy love character!”

“Cut it out...” Yokozawa grumbled, but he knew it wasn't going to stop.  Meiri and his partner obviously hit it off really well.  Which was actually a lovely sight.  And with this he felt letting Kirishima meet their folks wasn't such a bad idea after all.    The night would wear on with beer and snarky jokes.  And Yokozawa couldn't be happier.

Author Remarks

I know this took a little bit longer.  Didn't intend for it to, but I had a hard time on deciding how I was going to start ^^;;  Damn my indecisiveness.  

[flightandsurvival]

More happiness for the holidays

My sister joined in on the family merriment yesterday. A simple exchange of “happy Thanksgivings” turned into her going on a foolish rant about Ellie, the mother of our nephews. My sister has a very singular view on life- she believes that she conquered the odds by beating her heroin addiction and weaning off the methadone clinic. If one steps back from her point of view, however, I would take note of the fact that although she has done amazing things for herself she has only been able to continue to live a life without heroin and methadone because she has a stable long-term boyfriend who has stuck it out with her despite her continuous dissatisfaction with what her provides (a nice house, financial support for my sister who has never held a job, and financial support and love for their daughter). 

I won’t compare trauma histories, because I don’t think it accomplishes anything and because the way trauma impacts people is so incredibly different from person to person, but I will say that my sister had stable support even if she doesn’t think it was enough support. My mom paid for rehab, more than once. My mom brought her to abortion clinics, more than once. My mom loved her through the multiple times she stole her money or her car or broke into the house. Ellie, on the other hand, gets support solely from her ex’s (my brother’s) family and that has run fairly dry since my mom is in the midst of her own nightmare... which pretty much leaves me as Ellie’s support. My sister won’t acknowledge the trauma because she had trauma and she’s “fine” and instead leans on harsh judgment. 

I pointed out how negative and judgmental she was being, because I truly believe that the time of holidays that shit needs to be tossed aside, and she made a point to tell me I’m naive (which is silly, because I have dedicated my life to working with children and families from a clinical perspective) and that I have a distorted view. She was all up in arms about how everything impacts our nephews... except I know that they’re okay because I answer their calls and texts every time. I drive two hours out to pick them up and two hours back to bring them to stay with me regularly. I have most of the information whereas she only know what she wants to know. I’m actively involved in helping Ellie navigate IEPs, mental health diagnoses, medications, counseling, community based services, housing, etc. I am actively involved in making sure that they’re alright... which she says I only do because I have no one, not even a boyfriend. I literally laughed when I read that because I have a wealth of people in my life and even when I did have boyfriends I was making the same amount of time for my family. 

Essentially, these last three years or so have really been tough and this year has been especially eyeopening. I have spent every day of my life trying my best to do what I can for everyone and to be there as a net to catch them. I stay close to my sister in case she has a manic episode again. I stay close to my mom because 90% of my life I was aware that she needed me to be her support person. No one ever sees it that way. I’m selfish for working and going to school. I’m arrogant and think I know better than everyone else. I’m not doing enough for anyone. In August I will have my MSW and I will be actively looking for employment elsewhere- like different states. 

I’ve got therapy on Tuesday and I am anxiously awaiting some time with Jennifer to review the shit storm that is the 2019 holiday season and furthermore unload the impact of the emotional manipulation has been thrown at me in the last week. 

The things that have kept me grounded this week:

1. Having my nephews and niece and Ellie around- they’re a lot, they’re loud, and they’re dysfunctional but they’re full of love. 

2. Talking to my dad Thursday afternoon for an hour and being comfortable in the vulnerability. Again, I’ve spent most of my life actively putting the comfort of others before my own and in the past I have kept things from my dad so that he didn’t feel guilty for not being nearby (although- my mom ultimately made the decision to move me across the state and I chose to stay with her because she needed me more). I have also hidden the seriousness of my anxiety from him in the past. This year, however, I have been very open about my anxiety with him and I let myself cry on the phone with him for 20 minutes because time after time my dad shows me that he can handle the discomfort of not knowing what to say and has been able to just listen and remind me that he’s there, always, and he loves me to the moon and back. 

[heartholds]

thinking about that quote "if you want to kill yourself, kill the self you don't like"; things about myself that i want to kill - my mental illness - my lack of friends - my constant need for alex to love me - my uptight old-ladyness - my prioritization of my comfort over other people's needs/happiness - my insane, obsessive jealousy and comparison how i can kill them - commit FULLY to recovery. for real. take my medication every single day. go to therapy every single week. get myself in a routine again (a good, healthy, productive one, not a repetitive, restrictive one). don't turn to not eating as a form of self harm. TELL my therapist/psychiatrist what's going on with me, even if it's scary. tell my parents if i need to. do what i have to do to move towards getting better/being healthy again. - reach out to people, and keep reaching out. make sure the people that i used to be good friends with remember i exist!! tell them i miss them, and i'd like to see them. if something reminds me of them, show them! be kind, be giving, be loving, be generous in my listening. yes it's so scary and i don't want other friends besides alex but it will make me feel more fulfilled so i will do it!!! - let alex be! i had my time with him romantically and it was so beautiful and i feel like it can't possibly be over, but i have to believe that it is, because it is!! we have both changed a lot. that's okay. we are still going to be friends, hopefully always. i need to trust that! - let things go sometimes! i don't need to go to bed early all the time. i don't need to always get so angry about the dishes and the trash and the mess! just live my life and not worry about picking up after everyone else's. this is not going to be the perfect space of my dreams and that's okay!!! i'm young! there's so much time!! - do something every day that puts someone else above myself! cover someone's shift at work, even if it's on my day off. give someone my seat on the train. let piera talk to me about her relationship issues. not text alex when i'm having a crisis that he can't solve. give people their space, but also let them in! - stop spending so much time on social media!!try to only watch instagram stories once per day. keep facebook and twitter off of my phone. work on weaning myself off of instagram! i will feel so much better building myself up in other ways. stop trying to become other people. i will never be caroline or anyone else! all i can be is the fullest version of myself. i need to not shrink myself down because i'm not the person i want to be. i'm sure there will be more. i need to work harder. i can't expect things to change or get better if i don't try to change and get better!!! ahhhhh