#ok that's an over exaggeration lol shes not even that bad. but the long lost sister thing pissed me off

[remnants]

i would much rather jason's long lost cousin faye gunn ii from the rhato run be permanently added to the batfamily than ever acknowledge the existence of melinda zucco

[vonkarma2]

📙⭐🌠🌀💜🎀 on the oc ask?

I’m never picking the characters myself for these ask things again it makes this take so much longer 😭 

📙 What kind of subjects (of conversation, of discussion, in school or whatever) does your OC find interesting or engaging or that they can talk for hours about? What kind of stuff do they just find fun?

Lucia is really interested in like world events and politics, she thinks it’s very interesting to learn about. She also thinks it’s incredibly depressing and she hates hearing about it, so as you can imagine there is some conflict between these two desires. At any rate, she can talk for a long time about it— she’s pretty quiet at first, but if you get her talking she’ll like, go on a long monologue abt whatever topic. But she for the most part doesn’t find it fun, it’s more of like a compulsion to learn more about it + understand it I guess. Not dissimilar to Rocio’s obsession with magic, but it’s more grounded in nature. In terms of what she likes to talk about for fun, she really likes talking about + listening to music, + can talk for a while about it if she’s asked to.

🌠 Who was your OC’s first friend? Do they remember them or are they still friends now? Talk about some of the people your OC has lost contact with over the years. Do they have any regrets about losing these people and would they revist them if they could?

Ok I have to say. I’m not doing this one I am so sorry I tried to think of something I promise but I guess no one has like a former friend/someone they’ve lost contact with as part of their backstory. Rest in pieces. And I really want to get this done and post it bc I feel bad for taking 8 thousand billion years on this so I will pass on this question I’m sorry. you might have forgot you even sent this by now LOL

⭐ What is your OC afraid of? Any crippling phobias or some such? How do they act when scared and what helps them calm down? Does anyone ever find your OC scary? Why?

Jude (Prince Sovereign of Renaudin <3) I think for the most part has been kind of emotionally shut down for a while now. He’s afraid of a war breaking out again in the same way most people are, but probably less so than the average person because he’s resigned to the fact he has no control over anything that happens. He doesn’t want to die or anything, but he’s not all that afraid of it either. I think when he does get scared he tries to dissociate from the situation, like imagine he’s not really there or he’s looking down on everything from afar. Maybe he’ll just go to sleep or whatever. Do old timey drugs they had in the 1910s what was popular back then opium? No idea. 

I think people are scared of him very frequently though, like since his power is so strong he could like. Extinguish the sun/create eternal night if he wanted to, potentially. He’s not actually that powerful, at least under ordinary circumstances, but like the rumors/his reputation have been exaggerated. So everyone that like interacts with him directly (and also political leaders who have to deal with him being used as a threat/bargaining chip) are afraid of him both as an object of extreme power and as a person— they’d be fucked if he ever decided to go rogue yk.

🌀 Where is your OC from? Where were they born? Do they still live there, if not why did they move? If they still live in the area how has it changed since their childhood? How many places has your OC lived in and where has been their favourite?

Kela has been living in the coral kingdom for most of her recent life, since that’s where the people she like acts as advisor to (and later replaces) work, right? Like it was the first place created by wizards and the largest of the kingdoms, so there’s a lot of trade lot of meetings of international leaders etc etc, and she was indeed born there, but she actually was raised in the kelp forest kingdom. They didn’t know abt the magic superintelligence thing at the time and thought she was just a normal person with no special attributes, so they didn’t want to study her or anything and she was raised in like a group home type setup. It was pretty nice, the wildlife in that area is very beautiful and she really likes being in nature so that was good for her. She was also good at making friends, and since she was raised alongside a lot of other kids, it was nice for her, she got along with them really well. So she has a lot of pleasant memories associated with it, and is very sad she had to leave, but she understands why it was important, and she likes the coral kingdom as well. I think she likes them equally as much, she cares a lot abt the people of both kingdoms in general + likes both a crowded city setting and a small town setting. She likes the city because you never like run out of different people if that makes sense? 

💜 Music or Silence? Swords or Spells? Cities or Nature?

Aya: Music, swords (<more so guns or regular fistfighting than either of those, though) nature  (they hate living in a city so fucking much they’d be happy living alone in the woods, not for isolation reasons (they actually dislike being isolated) but just bc of the environment. They hate claustrophobic spaces with a lot of people)

🎀 Do they wear a specific accessory with a special meaning behind it? What is their usual fashion sense like? What do they wear when they want to be comfortable and what do they wear when they’re going to a fancy party? Or do they just not care?

Only character I have that wears a particular accessory often is Angel so I will go with him <3 he wears these green spherical earrings like every single day, he likes how they look + they’re kind of similar to jade which is popular at the time. But they’re really made of glass so he has to be careful not to break them. Very impractical. In the country/time period he lives, there are two different styles, one that’s a more ‘traditional’ style and one that follows international trends. Both of them are popular and neither is really favored over the other (except in certain specific circumstances like ceremonially/for holidays or for meetings with international business associates), but mixing them together is considered extremely unfashionable. Angel used to like mixing them together as a kid, but now that he’s older he is significantly more fashionable. Wears things from either style depending on how he’s feeling. He used to have horrendous fashion sense but he’s actually pretty good at it now. This is bc he is incredibly self centered and so cares a lot abt how people see him. He definitely puts a lot of effort into dressing up if thr event calls for it.

[songofclarity]

Omg I absolutely agree with your meta about WRH. When I 1st got into the Fandom I used to hate his guts but after I read the novel and watched the donghua I couldn't help but think he was really cool. Something I don't see spoken about often is his competence, not only was his sect the most powerful and richest in his reign but also in the sunshot campaign he was up against the whole cultivation world and they had WWX's demonic cultivation and army of the dead on their side as well as Meng Yao as a spy sneaking them information right from WRH's side and still they couldn't beat him and the war was at stalemate for 3-5 years until WRH was betrayed by Meng Yao whom he trusted and treated like a son and only after they lost WRH's leadership did the Wen sect fall. Also he respects and rewards competence regardless of background and gender etc which makes him look more progressive than most of the cultivation world. I also love how he exudes pure power and self confidence he has that sort of "feline" charisma like how a cat knows 100% and without any doubt that they are the epitome of cathood and that everyone else is beneath them and can never reach their level and also how before you know a cat you think cats are mean tyrannical assholes but then after you get to know them you still believe they are mean tyrannical assholes but also there is far more to them than meets the eye and you can't help but adore them and agree that they are indeed superior and have every right to expect to be worshipped and rule the world. Idk why I went into this cat tangent lol but the point is I believe WRH is very cat-like and maybe that's why I adore him so much because cats are my favorite creatures in the world

Much like a cat, Wen RuoHan sleeps 16 hours a day because an apex predator fears nothing. He wakes up to ask if the Sunshot Campaign is over yet. It's not. He gives a few orders, eats his dinner, throws around a newly gifted catnip toy (he’s quite pleased), and then goes back to sleep near a nice warm fireplace. It's been a long day and he deserves it.

OK, on a serious note, "only after they lost WRH's leadership did the Wen sect fall." 👏👏👏 THANK YOU! The war lasted three years. Wen Chao, Wen ZhuLiu, and Wen Xu all died within days of each other in the first three months. The Qishan Wen Sect is never described as stepping up their game when they realized the Sunshot Campaign was serious. The other sects had Wei WuXian’s demonic cultivation and Meng Yao’s spying.

And STILL the other sects could. not. win.

Jumping back to the top of your ask, it's pretty easy to hate Wen RuoHan at first. The fandom blames him for literally everything even though we see in real time how Wang LingJiao, Wen Chao, and Meng Yao all make their own, terrible choices. The donghua makes Wen RuoHan into a murderous aggressor trying to take over the cultivation world. CQL went with the a more traditional cdrama evil man who doesn't seem to know which way is up.

On a side note, I'm constantly confused when I see people say Wen RuoHan declared the Sunshot Campaign on the other Sects because, like, no? It's literally in the name: the other sects are trying to shoot down the sun! If this was Wen RuoHan's war, it would be more akin to the Scorched Earth Campaign.

So Wen RuoHan being at the head of the Wen Sect with four other great sects trying to take him down and holding steady is such a testament to his competency, you're absolutely right! And at the helm of his competency is his delegation.

Does he delegate to good, responsible people? No, and that’s what gets him into trouble, but I think his delegation is also what makes him popular with his sect and with guest cultivators. He’s powerful and he’s willing to share that power.

What's funny about the Qishan Wen Sect was that it was indeed the most powerful and richest, but Wei WuXian also notes how bad their general cultivators are. That Lan XiChen, Lan WangJi, Wei WuXian, and Jin ZiXuan all ranked in the top four at the archery competition isn't just due to their outstanding skill. It's also because the Wen juniors were just... frankly bad. Wen Ning has stage fright and Wen Chao lacks talent. The Waterborne Abyss was pushed into Gusu territory not as an attack on Gusu, but very likely because the Wen cultivators were not able to destroy it so they just pushed it outside their borders.

So the Wen Sect is really quantity over quality. Yu ZiYuan is a badass lady with a lightning whip and should not have died at Lotus Pier, but Lotus Pier was completely overrun so of course she stood no chance.

And the lack of quality also lies with the guest cultivators. The guest cultivator who threw Nie Dad under the bus, Wang LingJiao, and Meng Yao are all horrible people. Wang LingJiao and Meng Yao are noted for their poor cultivation. Both of them would have been killed before the crucial point if our actual Wen fam, Wen ZhuLiu and Wen RuoHan respectively, did not step in to save them.

Which makes it all the more impressive that Wen RuoHan's leadership held back not just the four sects (perhaps closer to three as the Yunmeng Jiang were recruiting probably rogue cultivators and training a lot from scratch) but also Wei WuXian with his demonic cultivation! Didn't the rumors talk about how Wei WuXian could kill thousands on his own? I don't recall Wei WuXian ever denying it, although at that rate I'd be surprised if there was anyone left to fight after three years, so it’s probably exaggerated lol He’d still be terrifying, however!

Meng Yao's spy work perhaps saved the other four sects from being decimated but his spy work was never enough to give them the upper hand. (Although I have a LOT of thoughts about what that spy work was meant to achieve in general.) Did Wen RuoHan ever know there was a spy? Would it have mattered when it had such little effect??

Wen RuoHan absolutely son-zoned Meng Yao and it's infuriating to me how often Wen RuoHan is treated by fandom as abusing Meng Yao in some capacity. There is no sign that Meng Yao ever suffered in Nightless City. That was always kind of the point of us seeing empathy: Meng Yao was in his stride, he murdered, and he was given a choice and he voted torture.

When we hear about the Fire Palace and how Meng Yao invented all those torture devices, that's Meng Yao being honored for his talent in torture. Wen ZhuLiu changed his name to Wen in order to follow Wen RuoHan and Wen Chao even comments that he can't do anything to punish Wen ZhuLiu because his father thinks Wen ZhuLiu is a rare talent. Talent is protected. Talent is promoted.

Wen RuoHan absolutely rewards talent -- which is, I like to point out, something we only ever see Nie MingJue do when he explains why he promoted Meng Yao. By comparison, Jiang FengMian only praises Wei WuXian, the Gusu Lan bullied Su She out rather than acknowledge he was talented in his own right, and the Jin only ever use their guest cultivators, such as Xue Yang, like tools to be used and thrown away. While Nie MingJue gets closest by raising up Meng Yao, however, he doesn't seek to cultivate Meng Yao's skills and instead sends him on his way when Meng Yao has other goals.

Wen RuoHan not only rewards talent but he also nurtures it. Wen Chao is given opportunities to practice being a leader and organizer. It's said by cultivators later in the novel that Wen RuoHan taught Meng Yao his sword technique--the same technique that Meng Yao likely used to kill him. Note how Nie MingJue observed from the start that Meng Yao's sword skills needed work, but we never see or hear about Meng Yao doing any training with the Nie. So Meng Yao goes from being a terrible swordsman to being good enough to kill Wen RuoHan fast enough that he suffers no backlash.

Although is Wen RuoHan the type of person who would harm someone he had son-zoned? The manhua gave us a gift by showing us the shocked and betrayed look on Wen RuoHan's face and the completely unapologetic look on Meng Yao's.

That isn’t to say that Wen RuoHan, as the enemy, didn’t somehow deserve to be taken down, but it does say a lot that the only way to defeat him was through a personal betrayal. And it says a lot that, with Wen RuoHan ruling over a city-sized cultivation sect that welcomed plenty of outsiders, he never felt like he had to watch his back.

[eddiestattoos]

Smallville chronicles part 62 (Chloe's chronicles pun very much intended. But no I've never seen them) warning, there's a lot going on. Fortune. You get me. Carry on

Oh boy its lionel

"Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated" LIONEL YOU LITERALLY DIED 3 YEARS AGO YOU WERE SHOVED OFF A ROOF YOU FOOL

"What. No hug for your long lost daddy" I'll give E2 Lionel one thing. He amuses

The way Chloe is just laying on top of, admiring Oliver as he sleeps. I used to not like her all that much (way back in like season 1 and 2) now I want what she's got

Did I really just say that? Oh boy I've officially lost it

Also love that they've set up their bed in the middle of watchtower

Wait so uh, watchtower was bought by Jimmy. Lol this isn't weird at all

I'm going to stop because you know. I'm insane

I could take quotes from this Chloe Ollie bed scene but I'd be quoting the entire damn thing so I'll just leave it

Go mama K!!

Mama K??

Martha really just ripped off her sling

Chloe considers Martha as her mom!!

Oliver's non green arrow undercover outfit

Lois trying to make sure her muffins get noticed

"Lois. Don't worry. I've been impressed with you for years"

"That is so low rent and so rebel"

"Well what father doesnt want to make his son happy" he says after Lex tells him killing him was the greatest moment of his life

Chloe's outfit 😂

"That explains the smell of old spice and young ambition"

"I just need you to hack into a couple national news websites" "how many?" "All of them"

"You're a convicted felon" oh but so are you Lionel

"Well snow dad's been a little frosty lately right? Maybe we should figure out a different way to get that genie back in the bottle"

Mama K defending her son!!

"How can you be so good Clark?"

The way Clark whipped Lionel across the ground after pulling him from the mansion

The Luthor mansion burning to the ground was not something I expected to see ever

Lois and Chloe taking their stand against the vra!!!

"You have no idea how much you mean to people Clark Kent" my heart!!

"I saw me, I mean Clark Kent, disguised with glasses and a bad haircut"

Mama bear Tess!

Ok well.... that's peachy

"Look Clark. I want to plan this wedding as much as I wanna jump off of a building"

"Please tell me you didn't hop across the pond for a gallon of milk" "what makes you think I'd be in England?" Clark you're standing on Big Ben

"That better be some damn good milk Smallville" "Smallville. I must be in trouble"

"I think Oliver Queen would be an absolute fool to let someone like you get away" there is not a single Chlollie scene I don't enjoy

"I feel like I can't believe you did this to my jacket" I mean yeah it's terrible but it's somehow better

"You are going global now, which is awesome quite frankly"

"Why don't I just save you the trouble and superspeed out all on my own, ok. Whoosh"

"A phone call from your wife, Mr Jones"

*trying to keep it together* "hello dear"

"It's an adrenaline thing. See I'm little bit bigger than you"

Ok that whole Clark's telescopic visions with his eyes changing. Why are we just getting this now?

"You know, when I said I wanted to spoon earlier, this isn't really what I had in mind"

"This is definitely the most romantic of my recent kidnappings"

"Yeah he's right, we should probably introduce ourselves" *takes them all out**Chloe knocks dude out with a book*

That kiss after they kicked ass

"The last thing we want is a billionaire superhero ex fugitive kicking down the door of a sex club"

My ninja baby Oliver

"Don't leave goldilocks out in the cold"

"Should we just serve up charcoal too"

"It's my power I can call it whatever I want"

"Now stay put" "like hell" come on Clark you should've known there was no chance Ollie would

"You just have to act like you're re miserable" "that shouldn't be a problem"

"When they see this adorable blond, and you are, on this adorable blond's arm" I love Ollie calling himself an adorable blond. I mean, he's not wrong

NO OLLIE NOOOOO why did he have to get tagged

Ok I've arrived at what I've heard is one of the best eps of the series so I'm excited. But still scared for Ollie

I nearly pissed myself when Clark woke up with a lemur on him

He has a ring on 😂😂 Chloe?? I'm crying laughing already

*throws chip bag in closet for lemur*

What is Chloe's dress?

"Yeah well my memory etch a sketch is blank too"

Chloe just goes in public in this weird ass wedding dress

"Are those Emil's pants?"

"Holy matrimony that's my signature"

Clark runs into the wall

😂😂😂😂😂

"Well Emil always was an overachiever"

Emil and Tess duet 😂😂

"I'm looking for the girl I came in here with last night. She probably insulted you more than once"

"Clarkie, there's only one person I know that can make an armored car go adios in seconds" drunk Tess 😂

Oliver and Lois are just casually on a rail bed

Ollie's face hugging Lo 😂😂

His face when he comes to is even better

"Morning. Sorry" I'm still crying

Oliver's giggle when he sees his outfit

I may not get through anymore eps tonight because I'm taking 20 minutes per scene here

"Clark you're beeping"

The truck is in the barn 😂😂😂

"I hate to break it to you but the last thing I want to go around with for the rest of my life is a lie propagated by my ex boyfriend" "oh"

"There's something stuck in my bra" "that's not my territory anymore"

"I can't believe in my first drunken night out I lose Lois, commit a felony, and I land my friend in jail. I'm so reckless"

Why is Chloe still in that dress?

"My lucky lemur"

Huge siren flashbacks with Lois and Ollie tied up

"One, two, shuffle"

"I didn't exactly bring my green arrow gear to the bachelor party"

"Lois? Oliver?" The dance scene 😂😂

The casino fight this is beautiful

"The only one getting luckier tonight is yours truly" *knocks him out* who needs green arrow when you have plain old Oliver Queen

I just noticed Ollie lost the bra

"Way to go all in gorgeous" "back at ya hot stuff" I love Chlollie

"I found it in a puddle of champagne in the limo"

THE VIDEO 😂😂😂😂 I'm not going to bother quoting the whole thing

"A monkey?!" Chlo it's a lemur

"I hope you weren't gonna run off without your husband"

Now I have to endure some Ollie free eps and that's sad but here goes

"Tess. You didn't have to come all the way out here. There's caffeine givers in metropolis"

"he's outside in the car"

They made a child with Lex AND Clark's dna? This can only go one way

"I'm saving him from an encore performance of daddy dearest"

"Your son is dead Lionel" have I ever mentioned I love Tess?

"Mutation's a bitch"

"Are you like my dad?" "I prefer brother"

"Are you trying to tell me that Conner is the genetic lovechild of Clark Kent and Lex Luthor?" I hate that I laughed at that sentence

"But how is Lex able to shake up a human krypto cocktail without you realizing it?"

"Hold on chicken little"

Lois is pretty. That is all

Clark just standing there in a burnt shirt

It's like Kara all over again

"I was just stopping by to see how things are going but it looks like I should've brought marshmallows"

Well oops the child found out

Just when I was starting to like this kid

Oh good lord the kid is on red k this'll be fun

"Believe me I'll trade a little motion sickness for a bullet in the bonnet any day"

Lol Connor ok. This kid just grabbed a jacket and a necklace for Lois for

*Lois tosses stolen necklace back to police* "sorry"

"You destroyed Lex with your secrets and lies" Bull. Shit.

That fur coat is a look Lo

"I'll speed you away to Paris"

"It may bring out his inner angst a little but it doesn't turn him into this"

Clark busting the ring

Damnit Lionel

How does everyone but Clark bust kryptonite with their heat vision

Ok I did not miss the classical music in every Lionel scene

"You'll always be a Luthor" oh but she won't

"I hope it's not too presumptuous but I figured you needed a last name"

"I'm sure that when we have kids of our own, you will be an amazing father" damn right he will

[sedge-and-sanctuary]

Wolvember Day Five: Scouting

This entry was inspired by a conversation I had with @bone-wolves about a pup they traded me! We decided our scouts, Rover and Pietro, could have met to kick off the trade. This is Rover’s account of that meeting-- but she’s got no issues with lying to tell a good story. Assume that pretty much anything she says abt Pietro and the Rowan’s Shade Pack are at the very least extremely exaggerated, if not completely untrue lol

Now on w/ the show!

“And as if that wasn’t bad enough, the ground underfoot-- oh, even the ground was trying to eat me alive!”

Rover swivels to meet the each of the pups’ eyes in turn.

Dane is staring, eyes wide as saucers; his sister, Setter, feigns disinterest, but her ears are swiveled in Rover’s direction, straining to hear. Little Perch has her paws over her nose, peeking up only once in a while. 

And Finch-- Finch looks as unimpressed as always.  “It was a swamp,” he says. “There was mud.”

Seven whole words-- not a bad record for him.

 Rover shakes her head. “Ah but Finch-- you’ve never seen a swamp like this. It was alive, I’m telling you-- mud? Hah! I would have given my tail for some mud right about then! No-- that swamp wanted me dead. 

I was picking my way across a log; all rotted by rain and slippery underfoot. I was concentrating just to keep my balance on it-- when, just to distract me, a voice cried out in the fog!

“Enemy,”* it said; “You should have told me before coming here!”

I almost lost my grip on the log-- the cold spirits in the water reached up and clutched at me, their icy claws--”

“Rover,” Finch says, warningly. Perch has her face pressed entirely into his fur, her tail tucked between her legs. 

Rover clears her throat. “But,” she says, quickly, “I managed to escape their clutches once again, and turned to meet my new assailant-- a wolf. Or at least, he seemed to be. As I discovered, much about this place wasn’t as it seemed. 

“Enemy,” he said again, his strange accent twisting the words, and approached me through the fog. “Stop-- who are you?”

“Rover,” I told him, “Of The Pack at Sanctuary! I’m no wolf’s enemy-- unless they choose to be mine.”

He bared his teeth at me; they gleamed in the night like a shark’s! Rows upon rows of them!”

Setter bares her teeth in imitation and mock-growls, tackling her brother. The two go wrestling across the ground, biting at one another. 

Perch peeks up from Finch’s side. “Who was he?”

“Hm?”

“The tooth wolf!”

"The tooth wolf-- he was Pietro, the scout of a pack that called themselves…” Rover pauses, waiting until all three pups are looking at her. “The bone wolves!”

Perch gasps, her fur bushed out like a startled cat’s.

“This- ‘Pietro’ brought me to the lair of his pack; he led me through every switchback and sinkhole he could, hoping I would be pulled away; I was soaked through and muddy, pups, and all clawed about by the waters’ spirits, but Pietro-- he remained dry and safe as can be.”

“So you fell in the water,” Finch says. “And he didn’t.”

“Call it what you will.” Rover sniffs. “It became clear to me that there was some strange magic at work. And clearer still once we reached his lair: a Rowan Tree growing vaster than any I’ve seen in these woods. Unnatural, I tell you.” 

The pups are rapt; even Perch has crawled forward, a little, out of Finch’s protection, to sit closer by Rover’s feet.

“And this wolf Pietro-- he began to threaten me. To say that even his new puppies could best me in a fight; that they were strong and clever, and could grind my bones to dust should they choose. And then-- oh pups! And then... the pack’s leader emerged! 

She looked normal at first. But I would swear that as she moved through a beam of moonlight, her glamour fell away, and saw what she truly was: a monster of many limbs and many heads, with many mouths and many eyes! 

And then, in the space of just a blink, she looked a normal wolf again. Such powerful illusions-- a wolf like her could walk among us even here.”

“There’s no such thing,” Finch says, flat. 

Rover she turns on him, voice lowered to a whisper.  “It could even be you, Fincher. What secrets do you hide?”

He scowls mutely at her over Perch’s head. The effect is reduced, a little, for his angry face being framed by two floppy puppy-ears. 

Rover goes on: “This strange wolf spoke with Pietro a long while- deciding my fate, no doubt! To be fed to this pack of hungry spirits? To be set free to wander the swamps alone, lost, never again to be found?

And then, pups- this is the strangest part. The leader came to me- and gave me a pup of her own litter. She said she was ‘curious’. Well-- I didn’t stay to ask what she meant! I knew it was my first duty to bring this pup to safety, and I fled that place as if death’s hounds where on my heels!”

“But you were OK!” Setter says, a little anxiously. “You’re here!”

“Yes.” Rover noses at her pup; Setter yips in delight and romps a circle around her, flopping down at Rover’s paws. “Yes. After a long journey, carrying the poor, terrified pup in my jaws-- we arrived back at Sanctuary. The strangers couldn’t follow us here-- we’re safe in these mountains.”

Rover bends one foreleg in invitation, and Dane stumbles over to join his sister between Rover’s paws. 

“But,” she says. “Be careful not to tread outside of camp-- not without one of us with you. Who knows what creatures still lurk in the shadows outside our territory?”

Well, and Rover had gone and stirred up the pups again. It’s always a chore and a half, getting them settled after her stories. It had taken no small effort, on Finch’s part, to get Setter and Dane to stop re-enacting ‘ghost wolf’ battles and scaring the marrow straight out of Perch.

Finch huffs, turning to take his nightly lap around the camp. One last check, before he goes to bed. Just to make sure everything’s safe. 

The night is warm and gentle; a long, purple, summer evening, the bright day fading only slowly into dusk.

“Finch?” Says a voice behind him.

It’s Carnassial. The ‘terrified pup’ of Rover’s inane story. Her eyes shine up at him in the dark, gold and liquid.

“You should be with Saturn.” He sniffs her over; yes. There’s the sharp, herbal smell of the healers’, thick in her fur.

“She said I could go.”

“She did?”

“I’m all better.” Carnassial opens her mouth; her teeth gleam in the dark. Like a sharks’, says Rover’s voice in the back of Finch’s mind. Rows upon rows of them. “See? No more sore throat.”

Finch blinks. Stupid. “Yes. I see.”

Carnassial is looking up at him, still-- and still drooping, her stumpy puppy-tail dragging nearly in the dirt.

Finch noses at her, worried. Is she still sick? Unexpectedly, she leans up and rubs her cheek against his, her little body trembling. 

“Nassi,” he says, startled.

Carnassial buries her nose against his neck; he can feel her taking deep, shaky breaths. 

“Hey. What is it?”

“--is it true?” She says, muffled against his neck. “Rover’s story?”

Finch blinks. He’s going to kill that no-good wolf, and scat to what Seven has to say about it. A growl builds in his throat, low and rumbling. “You listened to that?”

“Sorry.” Carnassial backs away. “I was gonna say something, but I didn’t--”

“No,” Finch says, low. “Don’t be sorry. It isn’t true.”

"It isn’t?”

“You were born to another pack. Rover brought you here. That’s all.” He grunts, stands. “Come.”

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll sleep in my den, tonight.” He pauses. Looks back at her. “If you like?”

Carnassial wastes no time in coming after him, butting his leg with her shoulder as they walk.

She is a tiny, warm thing, curled between his paws that night. Just a puppy; silver fur and outsized ears and a dark, twitching nose. 

Perfectly formed. 

*Pietro actually said “Enit” here, not Enemy’; he mistook Rover for Enit, the Rowan’s Shade Packs’ leader! Like most of the rest of this story, Rover has misunderstood or deliberately mischaracterized this in order to make her story more ~spoooooky

[All art assets in this story belong to Wolvden]

[anastasiaskarsgard]

“Nobody’s seen you in days.”

Angsty Prompt with Axel but could you please end it fluffy?

This was a request from a mutual since I have been gone for days... lol. I don't know if they wanted to be tagged or not, so I'll just add that later when they reply

“Well look who decided to fucking show up,” the tattooed head of security sneered. I wasn’t positive on his name, Alex or Axel or something. Everyone at the club called him Ax, but considering this was a strip club, I wasn’t sure who was using a real name or a nickname.

“Even us lowly bartenders get a vacation now and then,” I said rolling my eyes. I liked to think I was immune to guys like Ax, but as he looked me in the eyes and bit his lip, it took more effort than I care to admit, to look away and sign out my radio.

Bartenders, managers, security and the cage all had to keep Walkie talkie earpieces on at all times. We all had separate channels, so I only had to hear about bar and tab issues thru the night. The security channel was security constantly talking about everything from actual work stuff to sports or from what I heard when I turned my radio on girls. Normally when I switch it on, I go right to my own channel but the conversation caught my attention.

Unknown male: looks like the quiet bartender girl is back Ax

Ax: already said hello, but thanks asshole

Unknown male 2: you tell her you love her yet?

Ax: shut the fuck up and keep track of the taxis, I never loved anything without an engine, I just like to look at that one.

Unknown male: 900 naked bitches throwing themselves at you, and you like the one that never says more than a few words to anybody. I think she’s a fucking carpet muncher

Ax: she talked to me today motherfucker! You just watch a master at work

I switched the radio to my own channel. Master at work hmm? We shall see about that I steamed. They say never judge someone by their appearance, but Ax seemed to live up to his stereotype. I counted my drawer and took my first drink order of the evening. The best part of my job was how busy it kept me. With 20 waitresses dependent on me, and several people deep at the bar, I never had time to look up, let alone think. I was essentially a drink making, tab and check machine, keeping track of all the waitresses tabs, plus my own and making all their drinks. The club only trusted the bartenders with money, so everything was our responsibility, besides carrying the drink to people and socializing with them.

I liked the dynamics of it all. The waitresses seated the customers and got them drinks, and made them feel welcome and happy. Then the strippers swooped in and made it seem that much more fun, and between those two, the drink orders kept coming. The bartenders made all the drinks, opened tabs with cash or credit cards, and kept all the tabs straight until they decided to close. Then the waitress got a signature and the bartender filed away the tabs totally at the end of the evening. Bartenders were kind of the workhorses that everything was dependent on but I loved that. I hated small talk. Security stood around making sure that nobody had too much fun or passed out. Management made sure they were making money and no laws were being broken that would compromise the liquor license. The strippers varied from super hustlers that could talk hundreds out of guys like nothing, to girls that just wanted to get drunk and make enough to buy a new pair of shoes they liked. They were independent, so they worked as much or as little as they chose.

One thing I didn’t like was the 15-minute lunch break that you still had to keep your radio on for. I knew it was illegal and I could demand a longer lunch, but it’s just how it was. I was the only female bartender, the youngest and the only one that hadn’t been there since day one, so I didn’t want to make waves. I took my lunch to the back room we used for Bachelor and bachelorette parties. I always packed a little brown bag lunch and settled into a booth to eat it when I heard his voice again.

“Isn’t that the cutest fucking thing ever?”

“I feel like I have a big tattooed shadow, “ I said snarkilly.

“You’re not exactly small with those boots on,” he grinned. “How tall are you barefoot?”

“Tall enough. I’m about your height wearing these so do the math.” I dismissed him and went back to eating.

He stood there silently watching me, and I continued to eat and act like he wasn’t there.

“You’re not my height in those boots.”

“Ok.”

“Are you a lesbian?”

I nearly choked on my carrots. I looked up at him defiantly. “Are you just so irresistible, I must have no interest in the male species if I’m unresponsive?”

“Um,” He sheepishly looked down at the ground, looking less arrogant and full of himself than ever before.

I couldn’t help myself, I stood up and walked over to him, glaring, “is the fact you noticed I wasn’t here awhile and acknowledging it, supposed to make me drop to my knees and suck your cock Ax?”

“Um... uh. Nobody’s seen you in days.” He replied meekly, licking his lips and standing straighter, trying to regain control of the conversation. “I’m security, I need to pay attention to these sort of things.”

“What things? My schedule, or who I fuck?” I challenged looking him right in the eye, now standing toe to toe, cocking an eyebrow waiting for a response.

Ax gulped, but didn’t falter or back down. He was such an arrogant asshole, with his perfect face; green eyes a girl could get lost in, perfect little nose, exaggerated pillow puffy lips, cheekbones that jutted out sharply, but couldn’t hide the hint of dimples, and skin that could have easily made him a model, had he not marked it up with dumb tattoos. I’d walked in the back one time when he was shirtless, trying to get vomit out of his shirt and had seen the extensive body art, before quickly turning and leaving, but not before catching his cocky smirk at seeing me scan him over. That’s why I was shocked when he finally spoke.

“I’m sorry. I had no right to speak to you so inappropriately and you have every right to call me out. I just always try to strike up conversations with you and flirt and you always shut me down. I thought if I shocked you or offended you, you might at least I don’t know what I thought. Please accept my sincere apology.” He implored dripping with sincerity.

I could feel my icy exterior melting and felt an urge to giggle and tell him it was ok and give him a warm hug while I breathed in his intoxicating scent and felt the comfort of another human in over a year but a voice inside my head screamed MASTER.

I suddenly recalled his conversation with his pals at the beginning of our shift where he called himself “master”.

“I accept your apology. You may go now.”

“Excuse me?” He scoffed. “I’m head of security. No little bartender tells me what to do.”

“Do whatever you like, burn for all I care. Just let me eat in peace.”

He was stunned. He opened his mouth a couple of times as if to say something but finally just huffed and stalked away. I turned my radio to the security channel to see if he said anything.

Male: we have a guy in the bathroom obviously partaking in illegal substances, going to need back up to remove him when he comes out of the stall.

Male 2: I’m right here, I’m your huckleberry. What’s he doing?

Male: lines

Male 2: 10-4 walking in now

Ax: let me know if you need me to assist.

Toby : speaking of assist, did I just see you in the party room standing an inch away from the ice queen herself?

Ax: very funny Toby. Yes I was talking to her, no it did not go well. I’m not giving up tho, she’s even better than I thought

Toby: do tell

Ax: she pretty much told me to go fuck myself.

Male: Boss, you are so weird. She’s hot but generally that’s a bad sign...

Ax: nah, just means that if you actually get her, she’ll be a ride or die

Male 2: so when’s the wedding?

Ax: do your fucking jobs you fuck sticks.

Radio silence for a couple of minutes as I cleaned up my lunch and went in the bathroom to peek at my hair and makeup, glancing over as I walked in to see Ax watching me from hall next to the men’s restroom. He smiled and winked at me before I disappeared inside smiling in spite of myself. I’d almost forgotten that I’d left my radio on their channel till I heard the voice of the infuriating, gorgeous man I wasn’t smart enough to stay away from:

Ax: well since she’s an ice queen, I’m thinking we’ll have a nice December wedding.

Toby: oh shit! Ax and ice!

Male: sitting in a tree! K-I-s-s-I-n-g!

Ax: I’ll let you fucking adults know as soon as we set a date.

I stared at the radio, trying to forget what I heard but it’s been so long since I gave anyone a chance and the man was gorgeous. Before I could talk myself out of I raised my radio to my mouth and spoke

Me: here’s a date. Tuesday at 8, we go eat dressed in normal clothing.

Radio silence.

Toby: was that her? No way! Ax did you hear that?

Ax: Toby shut the fuck up! And is that really you sweetheart? If this is one of you clowns playing a prank, I’ll fucking fire you, so help me

Me: have a little faith

I heard myself echo so I spun around to find ax peeking in the women’s restroom busting out into a huge smile when he saw it really was me.

I wrote my number on a receipt I had on me and passed it to him as I walked by. “Probably should go for one of the 900 that throw themselves at you.”

“I want the one that won’t throw herself at anyone.” He called after me.

We are both idiots, I thought as I got back to work, trying not to look for him or switch my radio to their station.

By the time my shift ended and I had done all my paperwork, I was so tired I’d all but forgotten my date with Ax. I went to the locker room to change into normal clothes and left out the back door to my car when I spotted Ax leaning against it, smoking a cigarette.

“You are not leaning against my car in jeans with rivets on your fucking pockets.”

He raised his eyebrows and stood up straight throwing the cigarette down, stepping on it. “No rivets, I wouldn’t dare mess up this car. I always wanted to ask you about this car, but was scared you’d say it’s your mans.”

“Why would it be my mans?”

“Because you normally drive the Mercedes and this is a lot different than that car.”

“How so?”

“Really? An S-Class and a Trans Am are about as different as they come.”

“Not really. The Trans Am was the high-end performance vehicle offered by GM, with a back seat. They came fully loaded and dominated in their particular class, and they both have V8 engines. This is actually a Firehawk, which means like the S-class, the engine was built by hand and they both are also quite heavy. They both are rear-wheel drive, both came with leather and they both have glass roofs.”

“You actually know about cars? No way! Marry me right now!” Ax joked walking over to me and embracing me, before pulling back and looking down at me. “Holy shit this is how tall you are!” He cried out, realizing I was just wearing my Converse.

We just stood there silently smiling at the other as the morning grew lighter and lighter with the rising sun. It wasn’t an awkward silence tho, it was great. I kissed him on the cheek and got in my car. He backed up and watched me as I pulled away.

Both of us had no clue what we were in store for, but at least for the time being, we both were beside ourselves with anticipation for what was to come.

[queerlyglittering]

LETTER BOY UPDATE

ok! This is long overdue lmao. but until the other day I was feeling a bit mopey and sad and also just generally tired and didn’t wanna talk about it BUT THEN  E X T R E M E L Y  LONG POST AHEAD

so lemme see where I last left off re: Letter Boy.... ok so like, to recap: there for a while we’d barely been talking. He didn’t have time to write to me most of the time, and then half the time when we did write to each other our letters kept getting lost in the mail, etc etc. I know I’d been like pretty obsessive over the whole letter-writing thing for a while so I thought I’d been pushing him away and like at one point I wrote him a goodbye letter? Like I was really out here like “I’m so sorry for bothering you so much, I’ll leave you alone now” like what sort of passive-aggressive bitchy monster lmao. And then eventually I was like nah fuck that, that’s not ok and I’m not leaving things like that, so I wrote him an apology and we kinda got back to talking a bit. And then he finally wrote me back! And his letter was deeply personal and emotional and I cried! He came out as ace! He told me he loved me! The absolute drama of it all! (Which it turns out, at that point he didn’t mean it in terms of like, romantic love, just like... he really cared about me as a person and was glad that he felt comfortable to write about his experiences re: being ace to me and it was sort of cathartic. BUT THEN!) So I wrote back almost immediately, telling him that I loved him too and that he was valid and shit lmao. That was all back in late May/early June I think... tbh I don’t remember what happened over the summer, lemme go back and reread our messages? b/c I know neither of us has physically written to the other since then.  Ok so we messaged a bit about potentially meeting up at a Pride festival, either there in Houston or up in Dallas, but the timing just generally didn’t work out in our favor for either event, so we wound up not going. And then we kinda sporadically messaged each other here and there, usually when he was stressed with school or I was stressed with work, etc, but we barely talked off and on for a couple months. Then I started my current job, and my sleep cycle got outta whack for a few weeks, and that’s when things started to get interesting again lmao

ok so sometime near the end of August, he had like a minor depressive episode or something in the middle of the night and messaged me at like 4 am saying he felt “gross and sad” and I slept through that because it was Saturday but I wound up waking up at like 6:30 out of habit from getting up for work, and I ended up calling him and we talked for a while and I vented about some stuff in my life too and then we both went back to sleep lmao. And after that things got a little more active in terms of communication; like y’all know me, I’m a Needy Bitch, so of course I wound up messaging him like once every couple days or so whenever I started to miss him and needed Attention. Like it kinda started with a tarot reading I got, just a standard past/present/future 3-card reading, but she pulled the Lovers for my present, so I mean.... and basically she said something about there being a person in my life whom I had feelings for, and who reciprocated those feelings, but there was a communications disconnect, and the relationship was getting to a point where it could begin to go stale, and that we shouldn’t block ourselves off from progress. After that reading I reached out and messaged him again, and we ended up literally speaking every day for a week. Like I think I’d made a post about that on here about not messaging him for the 8th day in a row and thought I was exaggerating but then I went back and counted and IT ACTUALLY WAS THE 8TH DAY, WOW AUDREY, YOU’RE OFFICIALLY ANNOYING. So I tried to get better about leaving him alone lmao but I started messaging him a bunch of stuff about my singing, because my old community had a brief resurgence in September. and he said he wanted to sing something with me someday and I’m 🥰🥰

So then at one point I had mentioned coming down to Houston for the weekend of the SFA/Sam Houston State game (which was last weekend, 10/5-6) with my friend, and ditching the game to hang out with him instead. I kinda let the subject drop for a couple weeks because at that point it was almost a month out and I wasn’t 100% sure I was gonna be able to go so I didn’t want to get both our hopes up. But then work started being really shitty and dicking me around about my schedule change that was supposed to have happened once I got out of training, and my home life wasn’t gr8 either, so I kinda latched onto that weekend trip as like a bright spot, or something to hope for. Something to keep me going. And he’d basically forgotten about it, which is fine, except I wound up springing it back on him at the last minute lmao. But then my friend who I was supposed to go with (because I can’t drive so she was gonna drive us down there) was like ‘nah I’m not going to the game, I have no money for tickets.’ So I was like well shit, there goes my happy thing. And I talked to her about it and basically begged her to just go down to Houston for the weekend anyway, I’d get us a hotel and everything, because I needed this. So she was like ‘alright, look at hotels.’ But then HER friend got very sick, like in-the-hospital having-mysterious-seizures sick, and she went to go stay with her in the hospital for a few days because the girl’s husband was being a dick about it (it turned out to just be an infection from a contact lens that got stuck in her eye and like melted??? idk. but it was BAD AND SCARY). But that was like Wednesday-Friday of the week we were supposed to go to Houston on that weekend and I wasn’t sure she’d be up to going. So I asked last minute if she still wanted to go or if I should cancel the hotel (not realizing that it was too late to cancel it anyway lmao RIP) and she said ‘ok sure but I wanna bring my kid, since I’ve been away from her for 3 whole days.’ I was like that’s fine, I already thought you were gonna bring her lol. So we wound up going down there on Saturday but we left a bit later than we’d meant to, and by the time we got to town, Letter Boy was already at work. So I missed him that day. The three of us (me, friend & kiddo) wound up swimming in the hotel pool and then ordering Chinese takeout for dinner so that was pretty fun. 

Then the next day, Sunday! Letter Boy called as we were checking out of the hotel to try and figure out what the plan was, where we could meet up, etc. We decided to meet at the mall nearby, since it was an easy landmark for all parties, and we could find each other pretty easily there. He took me (and my friend and her kid, though apparently that wasn’t the plan, and he would’ve preferred to spend time with just me; she even gave me the option to not have the two of them meet us at the restaurant and I decided not to take it because i was a nervous anxious coward lmao) out to lunch at this Korean place in town, where he loves to eat. We played a few rounds of a card game and talked and ate and it was great fun. Then he had to bail and go to work, and we had an interesting goodbye because I’d been out here trying to respect his personal space and all because from what he’d said in his coming-out letter, it sounded very much like he was touch-averse - but then he hugged me goodbye? and kept coming back for more hugs?! like “one more? ok just one more? and one more?” like nonstop for a good five minutes lmao. I was a bit confused but I loved it (my primary love language is physical touch; hugs are my kryptonite. And he gives AMAZING hugs. like I may have even actually dreamed about his hugs before I ever got to experience one, but that’s whole other post lol). Anyway so after that my friend and I went to hang out at her brother’s in-laws’ place because they lived in the area lol. Letter Boy had asked me to message him once I got there, so I did. I told him I wished I could’ve spent more time with him one-on-one, and he said “well if you’re still in town maybe you can sneak away when I get my break later” So I basically said hell yes, just tell me where to meet you, lol. We wound up meeting up at Starbucks and getting coffee and continuing to talk and hang out for the half hour of his break, and he really didn’t want to leave when it was time for him to go. Like he actually contemplated kidnapping me and bringing me to work with him lmao. If my ride hadn’t already been on her way, I would’ve gone with him in a heartbeat. I didn’t want to leave either. And he told me he loved me again!  🥰🥰🥰 It was sappy and sweet and just aghhhh <3

So that was a week ago today! And there’s been some interesting developments since then too. Starting off with that Sunday night when I got home, I’d had too much coffee (starbucks messed up my order and had to remake it so I ended up drinking both lmao, big mistake). So I was over-caffeinated and v emotional and couldn’t sleep so I started writing out all my anxious confused feelings in letter form, and wound up just linking Letter Boy to the Google Doc I’d been writing in. This was at almost 2 AM. Apparently I woke him up and he read it and replied to me over messenger and basically we talked about how like. when he first said he loved me in the letter, he didn’t necessarily mean it in a romantic context but it was definitely more than just platonic and he wasn’t sure how to quantify that. But now that we’d met in person, and got to spend some actual time together, he felt a little differently and that he was “not 100% sure but WAAAY more than 50% sure” that he loved me romantically, because partially because he’s ace, he’s just kinda unsure about romantic relationships in general and he’s reluctant to commit to them because the sex thing always becomes an issue. I reassured him that I completely understand and respect his orientation and would never ask him to change that aspect of himself or do anything that would make him uncomfortable, and he seemed immensely relieved. At this point I’m honestly not even sure how much of his feelings are genuinely for/about me, and how much of them are just some sort of general euphoria at having someone basically validate his orientation and his existence, because he’d spent so long being mocked and tormented by friends and lovers alike, and basically just feeling broken and worthless. And I completely understand that reaction. I’m not even sure I care if that’s all this is, if it comes down to it; I’m happy to be here to love and support him and make sure he never feels less than whole and valid again, no matter my context in his life. I just want him to be happy. I’d love to be the one who makes him happy, but if ultimately that is not my part in his life, then so be it. I’m at peace with it.

Anyway so that was Sunday night, we talked a little bit on Monday and Tuesday and then like,, nothing at all for a few days? And so of course my immediate instinct is that I came on too strong and pushed him away, just because he doesn’t want to talk to me every day?? so I got all mopey and sad and weird, because I thought I’d scared him off and lost him and idk. Also I was in a funk b/c my hormones are being wacky this week; I don’t really get periods per se with my IUD, but sometimes I’ll get phantom cramps and/or mood swings, etc. but this past week i’ve been spotting and cramping AND moody af, so that’s been fun. So I’d been all weird and sad and shit, and thinking he didn’t want to talk to me = he didn’t want me, and I was so paranoid and afraid because I still think this whole thing is too good to be true and I can’t trust it. I know it’s silly and far too early to be serious and it’ll never last and probably won’t end well. I know that it’s fun and easy and idealistic and won’t stand up to reality or practicality, when it eventually has to face them. So I’ve been bracing myself for that ending ever since it began. And I know three days isn’t very long, but after having a whole conversation about how we love each other, and how we love each other, it felt like an eternity. BUT THEN!!!!!!!!!

So ok, we did talk briefly on Friday, in passing. but it was a very short little conversation; the only major thing to come out of it was a further confirmation that yes, he’s serious about coming up here to see me. BUT THEN Saturday night (10/12), he got home from seeing Eric Andre perform live, and he was hanging out with his sister and drinking and generally being a goof, and he messaged me! UPDATE: It’s now sunday 10/20 and I’m still writing this. idk it’s been a lot, everything else in my life has been rough lately, idk. im not feeling as positively about this as i was before, but i’ll keep writing the update. I’ve written too much

SO! Anyway. he came home from the comedy show thing, and he was hanging out with his sister watching some Japanese reality show and drinking, and he messaged me out of the blue. Funny thing I’ve noticed is that he doesn’t generally reach out to me first and he’s not too expressive generally but whenever he’s intoxicated in some way, be it alcohol or pot or even benadryl, he gets really effusively, gushily mushy and sweet. So on this occasion he was drunk, or at least tipsy, and that means he was being extra affectionate and dumb lmao. He started out telling me about his night and then hit me with the “I wish you were heeeerrrrreeeeeeee” lol. And he said something about how one day when he graduates, we should get a place together, where we can “be non-binary and own our dreams” (the second time he’s mentioned possibly being nonbinary to me - or possibly third time, he said something in passing about being confused about gender roles, in a context that implied ‘in relation to himself.’ meanwhile I haven’t actually said anything at all to him about me being nonbinary, he just kinda assumed b/c i have a rly butch-y looking haircut rn lmao. but like.. he ain’t wrong tho 😂 so that’s a conversation that we need to actually have sometime.) He was like “it’s sorta romantic that you live up there and I live down here and we’re so far apart and we have to just kinda pine after each other basically” and i was like oh good, I’m not the only one pining lmao. But then he asked me to come with him when he moves to Japan to teach English there, sometime after he finishes his degree. Which like, I wish I could go with him, and I know that if we’re still talking at that point/especially if we actually get together, it’s gonna be hard to be that far away from him and I’m gonna miss him. But it’s just eminently not practical. I don’t have any college degree and I don’t speak a lick of Japanese, there’s no way I can teach English with him; and there aren’t many other jobs there for Americans. And he won’t be making enough to support both of us on a teacher’s salary, i know that much. So that’s where I start to get a bit disillusioned. Like I know it was just a drunk suggestion out of a desperation to not be apart anymore, and despite the fact that a drunk mouth often speaks sober thoughts, I know better than to assume that either of those offers to live together were any kind of a promise, and I have no intention to hold him to either of them. But in the moment I very much got my hopes up and I let myself get really excited and I regret that now lmao because like I knew even then that it wasn’t real. and now i’m just sorta disappointed because I’ve had to confront the fact that he’s very much a daydreamer and I, for all my delusional fantasizing, am at heart more practical than that. I don’t like to hope for things that I know can’t happen, because it’s just setting myself up for future devastation. And he just wants to hope and wish for everything, and maybe some of it will come true and maybe some of it won’t, and he just sort of seems unbothered by either outcome. For all my hopeless romanticism and my overemotional nature, I can’t bring myself to do that, to hope without expectation. I don’t know how. it’s so antithetical to my understanding of the world. And it just serves to highlight another of the many ways in which we are almost complete opposites - which isn’t a bad thing! but it can make some things harder. like handling distance, or hoping for the future, or just communication in general.

but anyway! back to drunken happiness lmao. he started saying really sappy shit like how he wants to be there for me when I’m feeling down, and he wants to have big dumb fights with me just so he can make it up to me with a big grand gesture like flowers or edible arrangements or something. and then he wrote me a drunken limerick and it was actually surprisingly good and really cute lmao. and he said he wanted to cuddle me. and then we got into a mini-fight over which one of us was cuter lmao. and he called me queen and said that he just wants to like. make me food and take care of me and stuff lol. and that he doesn’t even HAVE a type but somehow I am exactly his type? which is still fucking me up, that’s the sweetest shit i’ve ever heard. (because i know what he means, he’s dated around quite a bit with different types and genders of people and stuff because he didn’t really know how to handle his asexuality and of course the myth is that you just haven’t found the right person yet, so he just kept trying and feeling broken and then here I am, the first person he’s found to be accepting and understanding of that part of him, and still want him and care for him and be all lovey-dovey and shit with him, and he just wants me to be happy in return.) meanwhile I of course have several types, including different types for girls and guys etc, but he’s hitting all my boxes - tall, handsome in a kind of adorkable way, smart, funny, sarcastic, sweet, patient, sensitive, similar tastes in media and similar political alignments, queer. plus he’s just cute as fuck. like out of my league cute lmao but again, that’s exactly my type OTL so like I told him that, and that I just wanna like. hold him and be with him and help him be successful in whatever he wants in life. and he freaked out and was like ugh you should just come here rn i’ll hide you under my bed if i have to and i was like i wish i could :( and he was like THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH AUDREY COME HERE and i was like OK IM LEAVING ON FOOT SEE U IN 3 DAYS and it was funny. and we flung a bunch of heart emojis at each other. and then he made a passing reference to his mood swings and i kinda ended up ignoring it because i sent a message at the same time but in my head i was like boy have you even MET me, 1. the swings have always been my favorite piece of playground equipment, 2. i’ve got mood swings down to a fine art, and 3. i’m more worried about whether you can handle mine. i’m pretty sure i can take yours in stride lmao. and then there was more talk of cuddling, and HE STARTED HEART REACTING ALL MY MESSAGES and i’m just like WTF STOP IT THAT IS THE CUTEST SHIT <3333 and then he sent me a dollar by accident? and I sent him the “i love you bitch, i ain’t never gonna stop loving you bitch” vine lmao

and apparently this whole time he was still sitting around with his sister? lmao because he said she told him she approved of me after i sent that vine 😂 and she apparently likes my hair! which is good lol (reminder I need to post some pics of it on here, I posted selfies to fb but i don’t think i’ve posted on here yet). his sister is also bi lmao and seems cool in general (and also from what i’ve seen creeping her fb, she’s REALLY GORGEOUS, like it runs in the family, these fuckers should be models, it’s ridiculous really) so having her approval is v nice. like at least one member of his family approves of me! now to work on the rest 😂😂 and then he was talking about he was gonna get high also (despite being already drunk) and i was joking with him about bogarting the weed and he was like “when we live together I’ll share my weed with you” lmao but he said it with such certainty, like it was just a given. not an if, but a when. which threw me for enough of a loop. But then he started in on this fantasy scenario where like it’s late at night and we can’t sleep so he makes me sushi by hand, and we feed each other with our chopsticks (he was impressed that I already knew how to use them lmao) and we sit on the couch arm in arm watching reruns of cheers and laughing way too loudly and fall asleep in each other’s arms as the sun comes up outside but we don’t have anything to do the next day so it’s ok. and it was the sweetest most romantic shit I’ve literally ever heard in my LIFE, like it sounds like actual heaven and i was crying happy tears at this point lmao. just 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 like in that moment i felt so fucking loved i couldn’t even speak and y’all know i’m never speechless, i literally can’t fucking shut up most of the time lmao. and like at that point his phone was dying so he went to plug it in and go to bed and I did the same because it was like 2:30 in the morning but i was just giddy with affection and couldn’t sleep. 

anyway so the next day (sunday) i had a party thing to go to that was really fun but i’m socially awkward so i texted him a lot as a crutch. and then the next day (monday) he had given me “permission to bug the crap out of him” so i messaged him a lot throughout my work day because it was an unusually crappy day anyway. and the day after that (tuesday) we messaged about the democratic debates and stuff. and then i kinda tried to give him some space, because i felt like i was smothering him, and i made it all the way to friday evening before i caved in and messaged him again. like i don’t wanna bother him by messaging him every day, i know he’s busy. whenever he doesn’t actively have class, he’s got homework or he’s working (which usually means he’s driving and can’t talk). but i’m like so addicted to the affection i get from him, it’s bad. my anxiety just keeps building and getting worse if i try to avoid messaging him and I don’t make it very far before i end up giving in and messaging him for a hit of that good ol’ dopamine. so we ended up catching each other up on the events of the latter part of our week, and talking about sushi preferences. and he apparently has never had eel?? like that was probably the 2nd or 3rd thing i tried lmao 😂 but then to be fair I had a boyfriend at the time who was very interested in making sure i tried new things, and who had been stationed briefly in japan so he knew a lot about sushi and wanted to show off. anyway Letter Boy is like me, he prefers salmon by a wide margin. and we talked about how he’d tried squid and did not enjoy it, and that turned into a mini battle to see who could post the weirdest squid-themed gif lmao. and then i sent him the playlist but he still hasn’t listened to it yet I don’t think. but he also wants me to write him a poem lmao so that’s something i should start working on i guess. but idk i’m not feeling it rn but that’s not his fault. 

and then today happened and i had another incident with my mother and her narcissistic bullshit and i was feeling like shit so i reached out to my best friend to kinda get some validation that i’m not actually the narcissistic one (which felt shitty and manipulative, like if i have to ask i’m probably at least a LITTLE narcissistic. but then again if i actually was narcissistic i guess i wouldn’t even have that doubt? like i would just be certain that i wasn’t and not second-guess it because i wouldn’t care? and like making their victims believe that THEY are the narcissistic ones and the abuser isn’t, is a classic hallmark of gaslighting and narcissistic abuse? but i still felt like shit about it idk). And I also reached out to Letter Boy because while I love my best friend more than words can say, like she’s my sister-from-another-mother, Letter Boy has kind of become my comfort person. like i always used to write letters to him whenever I was going through a rough spot, as a distraction. and usually I’ll message him whenever I’m starting to feel anxious or sad, but lately it’s gotten to where I’ll start to feel anxious and sad whenever I don’t message him regularly. like i’ve said, it’s getting bad and i’m worried about it. like that’s not a good sign of a healthy relationship. and it’s nice to have some positivity in my life, especially given all the negative shit i’m constantly surrounded by. but that doesn’t mean this relationship is healthy or good for either of us. so that’s yet another thing on my list of shit that’s making me anxious lol. but anyway he tried to be supportive when i told him about what i’m dealing with in re: my mother, and encouraged me to get out, but he just seemed kinda generally lost. like he didn’t know how to deal with it. and if that’s because he’s been fortunate enough that in his life, that kind of behaviour is not something he’s experienced, then I’m happy for him. but he said some stuff about not really believing in labels, but specifically in regards to mental health issues? which like. that’s all fine and good in terms of gender and sexuality, but with mental health, that’s a medical issue. you kind of have to have names for things in that context so that you can treat them. and i get that he was kinda trying to be encouraging to me, to not let my mother make me think of myself as a narcissist, and to not feel so shitty about myself in terms of like my depression and anxiety and stuff. but it just felt like it was sort of coming from a place of very neurotypical privilege and misunderstanding, and it was sort of unintentionally invalidating. and then he brought up the idea of us living together again, once he graduates, but he said it in a slightly more realistic way which i should have been happier with but that only wound up disappointing me. he said “maybe when i graduate we can get a place...” instead of like his certainty from earlier. and i said i wish, and he said that he wishes too and we should both hope for it and maybe it’ll happen. and i’m just like... hope is a dangerous thing for my emotional health, i don’t want to hope for something that isn’t going to happen. and he basically said that i need to learn to hope without expectation, and set small goals as baby steps toward that bigger dream, and i’m just like. i don’t understand but thank you lmao. and that’s where we left off this evening. and i’ve been crying, about shit with my mom and my life in general and worrying about all this bullshit with letter boy and how like a week ago we were blissfully happy with each other and now things are feeling increasingly less certain and i have this burning feeling in the back of my mind that he’s not gonna actually show up for the Syrup Festival in 3 weeks - which again, i’ve pinned all my hopes to, it’s the light at the end of my newest tunnel. and i’m so nervous because i want to show him everything and let him get a feel for where i live (and why i feel trapped here lmao) and yet at the same time i don’t know how to handle it because i don’t think he’ll feel the same way about it as i do. and i’m still not sure he’ll even come. because despite him telling me repeatedly that he wants to come, i can’t help but feel that either something will come between us within that time, or he’ll just end up having to work, or something, and he won’t actually come. i’m so terrified he won’t want to come. I’m terrified i’m pushing him away. because this whole thing, ever since we started writing letters, has felt mostly one-sided, like i’m out here sharing everything with him and flinging my love and attention at him, and getting scraps in return, just enough to keep me coming back for more. and i don’t know if he’s stringing me along or if he’s serious. he is a bit flighty. I don’t want him to fly away. but i don’t want to hold him down, either.

i don’t know.

[jujywrites]

WIP Challenge

I got tagged by @kikithedeceiver to do this!

Challenge: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous.

Here’s the thing. I don’t have many separate WIP files; most of them are in one huge doc. and most of the separate wip files are... pretty dead? but ok whatevs. under a read more since it’s long...... and my ego won’t let me skip snippets hjkhkhk thanks for the idea Kiki

From my main miscellaneous folder:

50 Grades of Steele. 1 and a half chaps of a role-flipped 50 Shades of Grey rewrite (i haven’t read the books so I extra don’t care about the characters lol). why do i still have it i’ve lost interest.... *side eyes her entire wip ecosystem* ...Then I see my interview subject, seated at her desk.

"Mr. Grey. I'm pleased to meet you."

And I stop breathing. [end CH1]

[open CH2) I forgot to mention something: I exaggerate occasionally. But I'm not now. I literally stop breathing for a few seconds. A thousand thoughts are racing through my mind, which doesn't help my chest stop seizing, but the main problem here is that Anastasia Steele is quite possibly the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Fanfic idea masterlist. my most active file and where I keep most of my WIPS, unless they get too “large”. Organized by fandom. lotta stuff i keep passing by & may as well be dead but don’t wanna delete. here’s a zero-draft snippet of probably the next chapter of my G-rated yukyoru fic collection

He grabbed a pillow and placed it to his chest, grabbed her arm, and yanked her to him, praying his idea would work.

Seconds passed and he didn't transform. He put his arms around her gingerly. Should he try to immobilize her or would that make it worse?

She made the decision for him. "Mom," she sobbed, clutching him with an iron grip. "N-Need to help...!"

His stomach dropped to his shoes.

Thudding footsteps announced Yuki's arrival. "What's wrong?! Honda-san--"

He didn't say "What did you do?" The thought raced by and Kyo said, "Grab a pillow and help me!"

As Yuki positioned the pillow and himself without having to ask, Kyo said, "She won't wake up. I don't know what to do!"

"Night terror," Yuki said tightly. He was too close but it almost didn't matter. "Not much you can do besides wait."

MayxWard BDSM fic agents of SHIELD. mix of notes and actual writing. kind of a half AU. Melinda climbed into the driver's side and buckled in, then started up the car. "If you've not ridden on the left before you might have motion sickness. It's normal. Just close your eyes until—" She paused as she looked at him; his hands shook so much he couldn't manage the seatbelt. "Here, let me."

"Thanks," he muttered with a sigh, looking rueful.

Modern AU Zelink. What it says on the tin~ Teenage-ish Zelink, with a mash of supporting characters from other games. another mix of notes and fic. Link wasn't sleeping tonight. Tonight was the night he'd been planning for and awaiting for weeks. He was going on a quest: the quest to meet Princess Zelda. 

She wasn't really a princess, of course. That was just her nickname. Zelda Nohansen was Hyrule's sweetheart, the most sought-after young actress in the movie business. And Link had fallen in love with her the first time he'd seen her, two years ago in a tiny theater in Kakariko.

PMMMfic homumado. Madoka Magica. AU, been around since about an hour after I finished the series (5 years yikes, still gotta watch Rebellion). Homura's time power still somewhat involved, but Mami's an adult, everyone's at a boarding school (I think?) where ~things aren't as they first seem~ and Madoka has mysterious powers and night terrors. just notes at the moment.

SoubixHitomi.  Loveless. 3 unfinished/dead first-person Shinonome-senseixSoubi snippets, all of ‘em spicy.

yvy abo. Yuri On Ice. Yuri (Katsuki!!)/Victor/Yuko(!!?!), my attempt at. well. omegaverse(!!!!!!!). orignally started as part of a “bad YOI fic” bigbang and now I’m taking it seriously dgdgfg. Alpha Yuko. “Please, please stop,” she whispered, like saying it aloud would make any difference. But the pressure in her head kept building. Her limbs had begun to itch restlessly.

And Victor wouldn’t let go of her hand.

With the last scrap of her control, she straddled him quickly and kissed him awake.

Even in half-sleep he arched to meet her, and when he opened his eyes sapphire blue had already turned stormy with lust.

yvy canonfuturefic. Yuko-focused following of canon, or: how canon can I keep YOI while still rareship OT3ing it. She and Yuri fall in and out of love, in between falling for Victor. Victuri is still my life I swear   

“You have got to watch this,” she tells Yuri. She watches Yuri’s face instead of the video, having seen it at least forty times by now.

Yuri’s eyes transform into beacons of awe, and Yuko swallows around her rapid heartbeat, breaths coming too short. She sees everything she’s feeling and more on his face. She remembers that she loves him, that he’s real and here and more important than the beautiful boy on her phone who’s trying to pull her under to a scary new world.

ZnT ot3 bdsm AU. Zankyou no Terror, 9/12/Lisa. mix of notes and fic, not just PWP. in heavy need of editing bc a lot was inspired by a non-spicy book.

“But it’s not just me. It’s everyone. You need everyone because you have no idea how to need yourself. Or even how to be yourself.”

“You’re wrong.” The force and volume of her voice shocked her and pushed her onward. “You and Touji. I don’t need anyone except you and Touji! Because you both taught me how to be myself-- no, how to find that on my own. I know exactly who I am, and that me isn’t complete without both of you!” She could feel the tears streaming down her face, yet somehow her voice didn’t waver. She felt so full of conviction she could burst into flames. “Don’t you understand, Arata? We’re all meant to be together.”

From my SnK folder:

Cave of the Crystal Maiden (working title). Aruani. Modern AU. MMORPG shenanigans with a dollop of magical realism/supernatural. Just notes. @portraitofa-girl suggested “meeting online” and it’s been there literally for years oh lord im sorry. no fic yet, just notes.

Falling Anthem (working title) Modern AU Levihan, art student Hange and young professor Levi. just notes. fic one in a planned series. also has been years ;_;

Raindrops and Soft Steps. Jearmin. unsurprisingly, modern AU. One morning, when Jean looks out of his bedroom window, he sees a boy dancing across the street. In the street, to be exact. There wouldn't be anything unusual about that, Jean supposes, except it's raining cats and dogs outside.

In my IAMXfic folder (fff i almost skipped this):

2ndPOVCalberto (DO NOT CORRUPT WITH HET) ChrisxAlberto? not much to say?? yes i know they’re real people??? which applies to everything after this oh my god *crawls under desk* Of course she knows; she is annoyingly perceptive when it comes to romance. The only thing preventing you from asking her (like a fucking lovestruck teenager) if Alberto likes you back is emptying that beer bottle. By then the only thing on your mind is ordering another.

CalbertImmi. i can’t even keep my poly shit outta RPF ahaha omhg Imogen has a conversation with her lover's lover. (AlbertImmi, sequel to...) Imogen finds herself in an unenviable position. (emerging CalbertImmi)

Alternate summaries (CC POV, first fic?): Chris loves two people. He doesn't want to choose. Chris has fallen in love a few times in his life. But he's never fallen for two people at once. (Chris also isn't good at choosing.)

ChrisxJ. several self-insert fics bc CC is just that powerful, apparently. haven’t looked at the file in a long time,,,,,

He started calling people to the stage with him, and one by one, my row emptied.

"Come on, yeah, come on," he was saying, waving his hand in an inviting gesture and grinning like a little kid. "Hey, you want to?" I did a double take.

"Me?" I mouthed, pointing at myself just to be sure. He nodded, smiling wider.

So it was that I walked unsteadily down the ramp and waited in line, feeling like I didn’t belong there. Soon I was next in line. What would I say? What would I do? I was sure if I opened my mouth I’d either burst into tears or faint.

Genderswapped IAMX sci-fi. The sci-fi was inspired by a word prompt, genderswapping by my own brain. (play spot the Immi lmao) Across the aisle, Sam rolled his eyes. “Leave Chris alone; she’s nervous.”

“And put on your own seatbelt, Johann,” shouted Jess, two seats back and in Sam’s aisle.

Patrick turned  to look at Chris. “Subspace travel is a bitch,” he said simply, and turned back to his book.

“Oh, I feel much less nervous now,” Chris said with a sardonic grin. “How do you know that, anyway?”

"I'm not exactly what I seem to be." He didn’t look up.

Chriimmi (While I Was Gone inspired). Chris/Imogen, inspired by scenes from Sue Miller’s While I Was Gone.

"You really ought not to do that, you know," he said softly.

"Do what?"

"Sneak up on me."

My eyes slid from his face. "I didn't mean to. It just... happened."

"Mm." I glanced back at him; he wore a lopsided smile. "Not that I minded." The tension was so strong the air nearly vibrated with it, yet I held my tongue, terrified that I was the only one feeling it. He took a breath, deep, nearly rising on his toes. "No. I didn't mind at all." He took my hand, circled his thumb over the back. My breath caught as I felt it, as I watched him looking down at our hands.

Chriimmi bathtub dream. dream inspired Chris/Immi smut.

Chriimmi twitter. twitfic plus some, inspired from an actual tweet iamx made that i’m still not over. 

@ imogenheap Come sing your lovely lyrics with us in London. @ IAMX misses you. CCx

ChrisxImmi main. grab bag of Chriimmi I was too lazy to put into separate docs.

“What do you think?” She grinned, twirling.

He cleared his throat. “Ah, I-Imogen, what are you wearing?”

“Well, I didn’t want to clash with your theme…  Janine helped me. Does it work?”

Scandalously short skirt, midriff-baring top, knee-high boots.

“You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you? You’re trying to fucking kill me.”

Her grin only widened, even though a blush had started.

Fic edit chriimmi ver. yeah. editing someone else’s original fic to be chrimmi. either never posting or editing the frick out of. ~_~

He kissed her neck, whispered into it, “I love you.”

Imogen laughed. “Bollocks,” she said lazily.

”I do!” Chris protested. She looked down at him, nestled on her shoulder. He looked back, open, a little adoring. “I fell in love with you halfway through the show; I sang every note just for you.”

”Oh, please. You couldn’t have seen me.”

”No,” he said. “But I knew you were out there… I knew it had been you the minute I saw you backstage.”

Hospital Chriimmi. In which my guilty feeling over RPF are even worse bc of the inspiration ^_^U “Ms. Heap. What a pleasant surprise.” It’s surprising, how well she remembers his voice.

“Mr. Corner, what have you got yourself into?”

“Oh, just a bit of lingering insomnia. You know how it is.”

She takes a seat in the chair near his bed, crossing her legs. “Well, I’ve certainly had a sleepless night here and there, but I’ve never ended up in hospital from it. So no, I don’t suppose I do know.” Her tone is light, but her smile has begun to crack.

ImmixChris genderbend smut. the my secret friend video is... fertile material. have not actually written the smut yet.

...he saw us as characters– we put on those clothes and become separate from ourselves, removed. Whereas I simply felt like myself in men’s clothes, and instead of feeling what He felt for Her, I just kept right on feeling what I felt for Chris, amplified to a distracting level.

ReluctantdommeImmixSubCC. ...shrug emoji? notes and uh. visualizing.

Vampire Chriimmi. based on a dream. smutty. inspired by True Blood so wow that’s old.

From my Markipairings folder:

demon dream. markiplier self insert...... ughhhhhhhh o///o

"You can have me," I tell the creature. "But this one," I jerk my head toward Mark, "comes with me. He's mine, you see." A bold proclamation to make, but in the moment I know that the truth in those words surpasses everything I've ever said. He is mine, and saying the thought out loud fills me with courage. He squeezes my hand, two short and a long one so strong I think he might break it.

I know we’ll win.

DommeJujY. same as above, same as the next four. smutty.

Fight team AU. i forget where i got this one from. vaguely inspired by loveless i guess.  The first clear thought I had was, He shouldn't have gone ahead of me. The second one was, I should have been able to protect him. But these came later, after the rage went away, after I hugged him and apologized, after I bandaged him…

Gaming meetcute. i win some contest or whatever to secretly tagteam w/ Mark. stuff happens and yeah......

The adrenaline surges through my veins as I take in the scene. Mark's avatar is flailing around, backed into a corner by some Eldritch Abomination and holy shit, the graphics in this game are amazing.

"This is not good, I can't move, I can't move…"

There's a voice in the back of my head screaming to shut the game down, to get that horrible thing off the screen. I ignore it.

Markinpanties. .......smut.

shifter-slight sci-fi AU. shrug emoji.

I looked up from the ground and saw I was heading straight for a brick wall. There was no time to slow down. I braced for impact...

It didn't happen. I opened my eyes and found myself in a café.

What.

Looking behind me, I saw a door. On impulse I walked over and opened it; the tree-lined street I could see through the glass was indeed there. No brick wall to smack my face into. Bewildered, I turned around and looked for a seat, choosing one near a window.

Gouldiplier~. master doc of ficbits of my cracky mccrackship, MarkiplierxEllie Goulding.

I check my phone during break time again. My selfie has been liked and retweeted thousands of times, and I shake my head in disbelief; I don't think that will ever stop surprising me, deep down. To make things even better, Mark's liked it! I'm in the middle of a happy jig when I realize there's a text from him and a squeak of joy slips from me.

hellooo gorgeous

looks like you're having fun. Hope the shoot's going great! <3

I quickly send a reply. it has been. Be glad when it's done tho. Missin u lots xo

Markipicbunnies. fanart of Mark for Gouldiplier insipration. photographer au. 

"Ms. Goulding, I'm really not sure about this…"

"I produce pictures that are intimate because I'm an intimate being, Mark." Ellie looked at him directly, a hint of a smile shaping her lips. "Deep down, I think you are too. We just need to draw you out a bit."

showersexgouldiplier. WELP. IT’S SMUT.

Also I have folders for my 2010/11 nanowrimo novel that are kinda still WIPs but also kinda not

i’m gonna tag.... @kippielovesyou @kiridork and @mistergrass and anyone else who wants to do this can too :3

[thewayshefeels1]

June 2016

June 2016

Hi. I don’t know where to begin… I got to my car & saw your letter. My heart stopped & I didn’t know what to expect. It’s crazy because I dreamt of you the night before. I don’t remember too well, but you said you hated me & I was a bitch... I woke up in a bad mood. The past few weeks have been a roller coaster I wouldn’t want to ride again. I was anxious to open it, as if there were a bomb inside. I was afraid what it might say, something like my dream? That you think I’m heartless? Thanks for taking time to write me. I would handwrite too but it would take 14659 hours & be 10 pages long so I figured typing is more efficient. It’s no exaggeration when I say you’ve been on my mind every hour since I last saw you. Possibly since I became your girlfriend & before that too. It means a lot that you poured your heart out to me; I know how vulnerable you must feel & I can’t imagine what it took since when we met you had this wall up. Now’s my turn, and I know this laptop is going to be coated with tears by the time I’m done.

A lot can happen in 6 months but I never expected this. Honestly, I tried to stop thinking of you but no matter how much time goes by or what I do, there’s always moments when I see, smell or hear something that takes me back. I’m aware forgetting you is impossible. I don’t want to have to get over you. I tell you that you don’t want my problems & you say it’s not for me to decide. It’s messy; love for me is like heaven but hell too. How can the same thing make you feel so alive & dead at the same time? I’m either a sunny day with a breath of fresh air or a thunderstorm and when it rains it pours. (I tried to stay your sun). I still see a spark in you; the potential you had to light me on fire… it drew me to you, what I fell for.  When we’d laugh about dumb shit, the way you breathe when you sleep & I’d listen to your heartbeat. Your love for ghetto music & random disco tracks. I sprung out of bed the day after you kissed me. But getting out of bed is nearly impossible now. I know you want answers, but so do I. Something you said frequently during our relationship was that I made you [do] this & that etc. I can’t help how you interpret things but I mean it when I say I never meant to be anything other than loving. I was never good at saying goodbye. I remember our first kiss, the stars were out. It felt like I was flying. I hoped to never leave your side. Most days I act just fine, but I can't handle it at night. You gave me some of my best memories. (BTW this is going to be scattered, my thoughts are all over the place.)

It’s frightening when someone brings so much happiness to your life because any second they can take it away. It was never my intention to leave. The last thing I wanted was for it to be this way. We’re opposite: you’re collected & I’m off the wall. You’re a walker, I’m a runner. All I do is run; run away before I am left. That way, if you were to go first I wouldn’t be left a fool. But I’m still here, empty. It never serves me in the end. Fear makes you do odd things. Now I can’t even listen to my favorite songs because it’s too painful. I don’t know why you feel like a ghost. There’s countless nights when I’m desperate to call & hear your voice. I’m lonely & need you to reassure me everything is ok. I want to tell you I miss you but I won’t. I’ll throw my phone, turn it off & cry myself to sleep. It’s excruciating. I feel like I’m in rehab, getting off a drug. I hope you know my feelings are still there. I feel safe when I’m wrapped in your arms & they became a home to me. But even the best homes get damaged sometimes.  A week after I saw you last, I had a seizure. My doctor says its stress or the onset of narcolepsy. I’m nauseous every day and feel like I have the health of a 75 year old. I’ve been trying to not let shit get the best of me as I wait to go to treatment. My insurance had to be taken care of to get into an inpatient facility. It’s an E.D & PTSD program. I had to be medically cleared with my doctor & finish paperwork for the financial officer to ensure my LOA went through. I should be gone by next week. I pray your family is well. Give everyone a hug & pet your cats for me lol. I sense I’ve lost myself; I try to focus on making others happy & forgot I’m supposed to be happy too. You know you’re attached to someone when you’ve gotten so used to talking on a daily basis but when you don’t it’s like part of you is gone. I thought I was prepared but it still hurts. Relationships are funny, I don’t want to be depressing [no really] but it’s like you get to know every detail just to forget it all when you stop. You had me so mesmerized but I was in pain a lot more than I led on. I don’t know how I can give you what you want if I can’t give it to myself. This doesn’t mean I don’t love you, I’ve just learned sometimes that’s not enough. I really wanted it to be you god damn it, I did.

I see the best in you and will always be around. No one really knows what forever means & we don’t see what's real until it's gone. I hate looking outside my window to not see you waiting in my driveway. It’s funny how time flies... 6 months feels like a lifetime ago. I loved when I’d look at you… I've never stared so intently. I tried to cherish you. I've loved and I have been hurt but you were like every hope I’d ever had. This is far from easy, as much as it may look. I’m a hot mess. You entertain my thoughts like a fantasy. It’s torture because you’re within reach but seem untouchable. When I’m in my car and drive past spots we’ve gone they look so dark. Back then I wasn’t afraid of anything, with you I was impenetrable. But real life always has to sink in. One night I drove home from work & was a complete wreck. You know that feeling, like your hearts been snatched out your chest. I didn’t go inside. I was just sobbing in my car, looking at the stars, my head on the steering wheel. I drove to the dead end street “our spot” It was the second or 3rd night I met you and we were driving around. You told me about a girl who was your friend you were in love with. You said she friend zoned you and that was one of the only girls you loved. I remember thinking “she is so lucky, how could she do that?” Life is nothing but irony.

I lit up with you; I felt myself come to life and blossom. You stole my heart and I never thought I’d have yours. I found something in my journal the other day… “it would be a privilege to have my heart broken by him.” It’s a line from a movie. I wrote that down when we first started seeing each other. Heartbreak is never a privilege. Some may think so, because you got a chance to know the person in the first place. I question if anybody is ever really yours or if it’s just your turn? From the start I tried to seem positive because that’s what I was told to do. I wanted you to like me and felt being my pessimistic self wasn’t good. I told myself you were the perfect one to risk it for. It’s Wednesday now and I’ve been working on this for a few days. I asked Dina what I should say, and she told me not to answer. I’ve realized the last few weeks I need to stop listening to what everybody tells me to do and listen to myself. I’ve ignored my gut for so long I forgot I have a voice. Every night when the sunsets I think of you. I went outside and laid on the ground the other night and stared at the moon amongst the stars. I was thinking about you and the fact that we share the same view. Nights are the worst. It comes rushing in waves, ready to pull me under. Sometimes I feel stupid I let you get so close to me. I know I’m hard to love. Some days I’m all smiles and affection while others all I want to do is lie in bed, silent. It is hard to refer to you as my ex. Friends is better than nothing right? But what does friends mean? I can’t believe I am revealing so much of this to you. I try to never let anyone in. I told mom I don’t think I could go the rest of my life without you. And now our forever turned into times to remember. You’re like a drug I can’t break free from. Love is addicting, that’s why I try to never let it win, I always lose control. I doubt you’ll ever realize the impact you had. You repeatedly said I never told you anything, but a lot of people keep their feelings to themselves because they’re tired of pouring their hearts out to the wrong person.

I have to fall in love with myself but don’t know how to. All I know is I can’t rely on another for my happiness. I can’t depend on somebody else’s acceptance for my own. As of right now there’s a record in my head saying I don’t need love, I don’t want love, I am unlovable. I will reject love when it comes because there is no such thing. I cannot trust, it is not safe. I don’t want to fake a smile, I don’t want you to either. I don’t want you to feel as if you’re responsible for me. This doesn’t mean I couldn’t stick it out longer, I’m just not that tough. My mom told me I should’ve been straight up from the start. I’ve never been good at that. How can I trust another when I don’t trust myself? I am terrified of my own voice. I wish you could hear everything I’m afraid to say. I’ll start with this… I was severely confused; you lit me up or left me aching. Half the time what we had was incredible, I was so comfortable around you. Butterflies, slow motion, electricity. Then there were times you said you loved me but the next second it was like you couldn’t stand me. I apologized for things I wasn’t sorry for. You insinuated I let you down & I didn’t feel “cut out” I just felt I couldn’t please you. Even typing this makes me nervous. Like my heart speeds up and I should never say this aloud. Were all just looking for someone who cares enough to try, right? Someone who remembers the little things. I never meant to play games, God knows life is hard enough already. You declared I will simply move on & “throw away everything” as if it’s so easy for me. No. If anything that destroys me more. It’s like fighting against the current. I see you everywhere, like a spirit haunting me. Your smile is sketched on the back on my eyelids and I can’t erase it. I’ve had all these feelings extracted and I don’t know what to do with them. They make me uncomfortable. Crazy how there are billions of people in this world and one can do that to you (all it takes is one). It’s not as if I’m walking away with a sigh of relief and you’re the only one suffering. And everyone with their unhelpful, mundane advice “there’s plenty of fish in the sea, just move on.” They don’t know. I hate the thought that people are replaceable. Is there a way to master the art of falling? Love can be as fatal as falling off a mountain. In psychology, there are 6 love styles & my type is self-sacrificing, compassionate and has trouble receiving. I will often choose suffering in order to comply with others needs. The advantage is generosity, but the disadvantage is it can induce feelings of guilt and resentment and the obvious potential to be taken advantage of. I thought I already knew what it was like to be broken but, no. Did I mention I hate goodbyes? They are so painful, might as well be hit by a bus. If anyone knows anything about me, they know I’d rather be in a coma than lose somebody. Grief is excruciating, you feel so helpless. Certainly our hearts shatter and things tear us in two, but will they end us? I wish I was strong like you, you must get it from your mom. Once I stop searching for a home in others and come home to myself, maybe I’ll be able to accept true intimacy, instead of rejecting and hiding from it it. My pretending to be “ok” game is strong as hell. My feelings for you were real… I loved being in your presence. I could sit next to you and that would be enough. I can’t say if I fell for you the first night or from the moment I saw you, all I know is remembering being across you and realizing somehow nothing else mattered when I was with you. You were a story I so desperately wanted to read. I was devastated at the thought of you getting tired of me. But people never stay and there’s nothing you can do about it. Yet now you’re asking me to. How do we manage? It hurts. It didn’t feel real at first but once it did it was suffocating. You have to let feelings pass and go through you. Why am I feeling abandoned when I’m the one who left? All I have lost left a profound cavern in my soul nothing can fill. I want you to know that sometimes people are sad and they don’t know why. We don’t necessarily need  a reason to be. I am exhausted. I wake up tired like I’m drowning in a black wave. Depression isn’t a bad day and it’s not always brought on by a situation. You can have a great life but there’s emptiness in your heart. Look at celebrities who commit suicide, it’s real. Sometimes it’s the things you can’t see that are the most real. Mental disorders don’t care if your parents are together or if you have a home. The brain is an organ. Mental illness is a sick brain. Telling someone you’re not really sick or it’s all in your head is like telling someone with asthma “it’s not real, it’s all in your lungs”.

Pretending not to love you is heart wrenching. Someone said people will leave your life and you can’t fall apart every time it happens. I see the best in you, I just have to figure out who I am, and seed out the person I create to please others. I hope you can try to understand & I will try to understand your absence. Whether you reply in fury, or I never hear from you again, I will try to be ok with it because love can get hard and hurt sometimes. Promise me if you love someone you’ll tell them. Even if you’re afraid or it seems stupid, please just say it. Words have so much power and sometimes it’s the things we don’t hear that have the most impact. Silence is dangerous and it kills me to say this because I don’t want to picture it, but l I should. If a girl comes along and she is everything you want, I hope she gives you what I couldn’t. I hope her heart swells like mine and its wonderful, like a flower blossoming. She won’t want the excitement & sensations to stop because she’s afraid there’s a dead end like me. I hope it continues and the honeymoon period doesn’t end so fast like you said ours did. She’ll be precious and see the sparkle in your eye I wish I could bottle up. Her flame won't dim like mine because you’re the fire to keep her warm. I’m a brick wall on the brink of crumbling. You won’t have to worry about how many guys want her because you’ll believe it when she says she only wants you. Shell taste like violets; then you can forget the taste of me and not hurt anymore. I pray she has kindness in her eyes and a huge place in her heart for your family. I hope your mom loves her and Michelle & her become best friends (I hope she likes cats too). I hope she treats you good and you treat her better. I hope your love feels right. When you let people see the darkest corners of your soul, what makes you lonely and why you cry at night, it's paralyzing because they can judge you; they can run and not turn back. My mind is like a dictionary no one comprehends, of agony and heartache. I just want to hold your hand… I miss that. But I also miss myself. And when you look at me I either feel I’m on top of the world or the bottom of the sea.

Don’t you dare think for one second I’m pushing you away because I don’t love you. I’m sorry if this is sending mixed messages, I just care too much to let you think I can live without you so easily. I’m constantly torn between if you want it go for it and if it’s meant to be it will. Maybe I knew from the start I couldn’t keep you, but I tried anyway, boy did I try. It’s a tragedy when someone you know becomes someone you knew; you walk around not knowing what’s happening in each other’s lives. We’re just strangers with a past, expected to carry on like nothing ever happened. They tell me to move on, as if I can make memories evaporate from my mind. I promise I’m trying to be okay with this. Maybe change is a good thing but it kills me. I know it’s necessary and the only guarantee in life but I try to avoid it, which rarely works out. Thank you for letting me have moments where I could be myself; I didn’t have to try to be perfect and you still accepted me. I don’t know how to live without you but I guess I just will and it gets a little easier each day. The reality of me not mattering to you is like slowly withering, but I can’t be selfish and want it both ways. It hurts when you have someone in your heart but you can’t have them in your arms and I wish feelings left when people do. Know that I love you with every fucked up, broken piece of my heart. I wish you nothing but health & happiness wherever you go. I need to give myself the love I never knew. We can’t break each other and call it love because loving someone is not the same as being too scared to be alone. I don’t want you to have to fill the empty parts of me. 1+1=2 but 1+.5 only equals 1 ½. People cannot make up for what we think we lack. Idk why we believe people will complete us when they can only complement. They say “if you are not enough for yourself you will never be enough for someone else”. If I’ve learned anything from you it’s that how you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. And if I’ve taught you anything, I hope it’s that to be soft isn’t weak, it is strong. It’s part of the human experience to experience emotion, do not be afraid. I hope you can fall in love with your solitude in the meantime as well.

Love, Lauren

[lupienne]

do you think negan is a straight up narcissist? love to hear your thoughts on that

(just a note, I’m discussing as usual, Comic Negan. I know a lot of people lump TV/Comic together but I see them as two different characters and personalities so I’m only discussing the one I know the most ;))

Also, this got LONG AS FUCK and I might not know what the shit I’m talking about (I’m not a psychologist. Lol!) but… WHATEVER BRO. Cut for length.

Definitely not. While Negan can be arrogant and patronizing and he definitely thinks he’s hot, I don’t think he’s a narcissist. He might run the Saviors in a way that is narcissistic: ie: ‘We’re entitled to your shit, we’re the Saviors, these people work for us…etc’ but that’s his misguided mistaken way of keeping his people ‘safe’ and not getting bulldozed by other groups. He lost his faith in people and led his people that way, like they had to isolate themselves because everyone was selfish and out for their own groups - are you fucking kidding me with this shit that we can all get along? No. It’s all about keeping ourselves safe and alive - that’s how he saw it. Wrongly saw it, yes, but maybe in the beginning it was like that - and he never grew beyond it. He stayed stuck in the dog-eat-dog mode.

But the Savior’s portrayal aside, is Negan himself a narcissist? Narcissism is a clinical disorder.  Just thinking you’re hot or attractive, having pride in your intelligence, thinking you’re ‘better’ than some other people, or seriously overrating your own sense of humor (too many dick jokes, Neegs. Too many dick jokes ;)) - is not narcissism.

Does he have an exaggerated sense of self importance? No. Does he act like it when he’s leading the Saviors, sure. But when in a group setting like fighting with the militia, he fights alongside and all he wants is a gun to defend himself. In Here’s Negan, he didn’t seem like he thought himself ‘above’ any of the people he traveled with.

Sense of entitlement and requires constant excessive admiration. Like I said, he leads the Saviors as if they’re special. I don’t see him demanding people praise him though (and yeah I know someone will bring up the stupid kneeling thing, but that was once in the comic and that was only when he came back from a trip, plus we don’t know if he orders them to do it or not) But I don’t see him demanding Rick to tell him how sexy he is all the time…. LOL

Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate. Nah. Lucille wasn’t perfect nor did he seem to expect her to be. Everyone wants success but Negan’s prime drive in his ‘bad guy’ arcs seemed to just be keeping his people safe and his method was by subjecting other groups. It wasn’t about power really, it was just about keeping them scared enough that they’d keep ‘working’ for him.

Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people. Ok, ok, he does seem to want to only associate with Rick ;) I would argue he feels inferior to Rick or Rick is who he admires and wants to be like.

Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior.

He definitely blabs but we’ve never seen him in many situations were other people are very talkative? Rick never wanted to talk to him. He and Carl’s prison conversations were very casual and not dominated by one side. Same with Lucille, but again, we didn’t see much of them. He looks down on people who he thinks are cowardly/traitorous because he sees that as leading to unnecessary deaths…but I don’t see that as narcissism either. A lot of people look down on people they think are ‘scum.’

Can’t recognize the needs or feelings of others. I do think he’s sometimes childish in this regard, but I don’t think he can’t recognize feelings, in fact, I think he’s actually very good at reading people. He also is a leader of people and acknowledges their need for security, food, and etc.

I’m not going to lie when I say Negan’s ‘lifestyle’ in the apocalypse seems pretty fucking arrogant and narcissist. He’s got the Penthouse, the women, people calling him sir, control over different groups who ‘have to do what he says’ and do I think he let this shit go to his head? Fuck yeah, I do. Fuck yeah, I do believe he comes across as a bratty fuck acting like King. But the thing is - in order to be a narcissist - he’d have to have that same fucking attitude before gaining power and even after he lost it. It’s not a condition that goes away. I don’t think he acted conceited with Lucille, or the gang of guys he traveled with in Here’s Negan, or with Carl when he was in prison or with Rick in Alexandria and certainly not when he was at Lucille’s ‘grave’ or kneeling in front of Maggie.

And of course, one HUGE trait of a narcissist is their inability to deal with criticism, their need to be right all the time and their refusal to admit they’re wrong. They will go great lengths to make something someone else’s fault. And if proven wrong, they will belittle or mock the issue like it’s not big deal or it didn’t matter anyway. They get insulted very easily over what they think are slights. They always want to be perfect and aren’t great with stress or adapting probably because they can’t react ‘perfectly’ in those situations.

And Negan isn’t like that. Several times in the comic, he admits he’s wrong. Not just after the war, but before it. When he brings Carl to Rick on the road, he taunts that he ‘I can’t wait till you see what I’ve done to Carl’. Rick goes into a rage and attacks Negan. Turns out, Negan had ‘done nothing’ to Carl and he fully admits it was his fault for pissing off Rick, and it was on him. After the war of course, he tells Rick and Maggie he was wrong and misguided. He cries to Lucille and says if she’d lived, she wouldn’t have screwed things up like he did. He admits he’s wrong. He takes blame.

He also doesn’t seem to be fazed by insults, either dismissing them or seeming to think he probably deserved it/agreeing with it. You’re an asshole! /  You’re just now figuring that out? He doesn’t fly into a pissy rage. (Now if you insult Lucille on the other hand…)

There’s also a really short scene in AOW where Negan and his people have been trapped inside Sanctuary by Rick luring in a herd of walkers. Negan insists they hold a meeting and they get ‘all the smart fuckers together’. He is admitting and relying on people in his group being smarter and more resourceful than he is to solve this problem.

I think, all in all, Negan can come across as a boastfull, full of himself POS. Maybe it’s his way of coping (ie: Fake it till you make it), or what he thinks people need/want/expect in a leader, or it’s a persona he’s built up and doesn’t think he can drop it. We don’t see a shit ton of his private moments in just casual conversation with people who aren’t kissing his ass/scared of him/or hate his guts. But when I see him by himself, with the group of guys in Here’s Negan, with Lucille, by Lucille’s grave, talking to Rick in Alexandria post-whisperer-war, talking to Carl in the jail cell, talking to Maggie - I think that’s the truer character than the over-the-top Savior leader.

[warmau]

{Special} College!AU Sungjin

sungjin already graduated college, he did his degree in biology and is now in his third year of medical school 

his speciality is surgery

so most of his time is dedicated to his clerkship within one of the city’s hospitals

he’s on rotations, so he really never knows what his schedule is but he knows one thing - he has ZERO free time

the million times jae tried to invite him out for dinner with the guys sungjin was like ‘i havent slept in three days. im living off cold coffee. if i eat a full meal it might just kill me’

jae was like,,,,,suit yourself we’re getting curry

sungjin, in tears: have fun,,,,,,,

when he does get ,,, like time off which is rare - very, very rare

he tries to keep up with his musical hobbies, keep up with his guitar and his singing but it’s really just for his fellow friends who all like music too

when he was in college with them he was part of night6, but when he started med school it was like

THAT dream is over,,,,,,,rip

but he still loves music - he’s like the only student in his year who needs to listen to music when studying otherwise he can’t do it

people are like “how do you concentrate with the lyrics?”

and sungjin just kind of vaguely shrugs and he’s like “i don’t hear them - i listen to the melody.”

“so like instrumentals?”

sungjin, eyes wide: “no. i just FEEL the melody”

he shares an apartment with a close friend of his, jaebum who isn’t in med school but is doing his masters in ancient history

the two of them are worlds apart in terms of their careers, but jaebum comes in handy because he understands latin and a lot of sungjin’s textbook use latin prefixes in medical terminology

so sungjin is just like “how do you say this?” and jaebum pronounces it perfectly and sungjin is just like,,,,,,,,,,,,yeah definitely gonna butcher that one

he likes to keep his space clean - and his room is virtually empty because he has no money or time to decorate it

(although, when he graduated all of night6 pitched in together to get him this really cool guitar stand and set of pics so he has those displays - even if dowoon was like ‘that’s corny’)

weird fact though: he’s very good at building ikea furniture. he’s so good with his hands people are like “OH surgery - no wonder! it fits you so well!”

sungjin always tries to make corny dad jokes about why he’s in surgery but they’re never funny jskhgfds

looks super cute wearing the doctor’s mask, his pristine white lab coat, and carrying around his clipboard

all the scrub nurses think he’s just precious,,,,,,,

he’s really popular with moms LOL (and patients in general)

out of all the people in his rotations, he takes getting scolded and snapped at the best

which is interesting because you look at him and think: big softie, which he is 

but he’s also a natural born leader - who keeps it together just so other fellow med students dont get discouraged

(still internally screams during evaluations week though)

you actually meet sungijn at the hospital where he’s doing his clerkship

you’re currently part of the hospital's senior citizen program, where you volunteer to help out those who might have trouble getting around and making sure they get to their apointments

so when the grandmother you’re taking care of needs to see the surgeon - you’re there with her

it’s a minimally invasive surgery, for her kidney stones and the student on the job is none other than sungjin

when he calls you two from the waiting room, you first notice the absolutely genuine concern in his eyes

he’s not like other med students,,,,,who are cold and almost fatigued or overly bright and peppy

he’s very much like an actual doctor - you’d been fooled if you hadn’t been to other appointments before 

(and plus,,,,,,, he’s wearing his uni’s ID badge)

he goes through the usual pre-surgery questions, you have to help her answer some because she forgets and each time you do

sungjin smiles, thanking you 

it’s weird - but there’s this warmth to him, you immediately feel that there’s something about this guy

something that makes you happy he’s going to be a surgeon one day

a nurse comes in to help him prep for the surgery, and you see how careful and methodical his hands are

and when he’s done he gives you and the grandmother one last tiny bow and tells you the nurse will come back to start the anesthesia with the doctor

when it starts, you leave the surgery room to wait for the grandmother in the hall

it won’t take long, so you settle down with a book you’d brought along when you glance up to see sungjin

“park! do you know where the gloves are - we ran out in this room!” someone calls out and sungjin points down the hall “closet, we just restocked.”

a moment later there’s two other students running up to him, barraging him with questions

sungjin answers them, calm and collected

this goes on for a good fifteen minutes - sungjin doesn’t have anytime to himself to finish his notes or start his next intake

he must be really reliable

you observe, but then stifle a giggle when you see him trip over the side of the receptionists desk

sungjin must have heard you because he looks your way, a little red in his cheeks and you shyly have to drop your gaze back to your book

more times pass and then a nurse tells you you can come in, the surgery went well and you’ll be able to take the grandmother home

you thank her - the surgeon, who leaves the room with a nod your way and then you catch sungjin’s eye again

“everything alright?”

you nod and he smiles in return, “im happy to hear it.”

after that,,,you don’t really visit the surgery ward much

but for some reason sungjin stays on your mind

so when a fellow person in your program asks if you can cover and taken one of their seniors to their surgery appointment - you jump at the opportunity

sungjin is a little shocked, but happy to see you again 

“i assume you’re in the seniors program here, that or you love taking old people to the doctor?”

you laugh a little “im a volunteer there, and while it’s not fun taking them to the doctor - it feels like im doing something good.”

sungjin seems to dwell on that for a moment, “it is something good. you’re a good person.”

you stare at him, softening a little “you are too.”

to anyone else it would have just been small talk, you and sungjin are strangers - but you think in that moment something,,,,something sparks

neither you or sungjin have really heard words like that before,,,,,,

sure you were told “oh! volunteering is so good for a resume!” and sungjin had heard “surgeon? how much money will that rack in?!”

but,,,,just a simple “you’re doing this because you’re a good person” can just mean,,,a lot

and although the first time you visit the surgery ward, right after your volunteering shift ends, the nurses look between you and sungjin

and he’s again a bit shocked

it’s not like,,,weird,,,,,,it’s almost as if this could become a regular thing

you only get to talk for maybe five minutes, till sungjin is pulled back into his work

but ,,,, those five minutes are worth it

and every now and then you leave some snacks with one of the nurses to give to sungjin

and they wink up at you and you’re like no,,, i just,,, i want to make sure he eats he’s my friend

and they’re like “mhmm,,,friend”

sungjin brings it up like “the nurses think we’re having some hospital love affair, like in the dramas”

and you laugh it off that time - even though something stirs in your heart just,,,, just a little

a couple of months pass - summer is coming up which means sungjin’s rotations will come to an end for this semester

you’re a little sad, but your visits with him have been getting more comfortable 

and even though sungjin’s sense of humor is a little dated - you enjoy talking with him 

so when you reach the surgery floor, greeting the receptionist as she already knows you by name

your summertime smile drops when you hear the yell

“sungjin, are you joking me? are you some deadbeat first year? you making a mistake like this is beyond my comprehension - you’ve been here long enough for me to know you’re not an idiot. but this makes you look like an idiot!”

the last word makes you cringe, are -  are doctors allowed to talk like that to students?

but no one even bats an eye, the students just look away and some people look a bit uncomfortable

but that’s it

sungjin is left standing there when the doctor throws the papers back into his hands and storms off, the others following behind him

you watch his large shoulders tense - jerk a bit as he turns and then disappears down the corner

“he might be going to the storage closet, third door down that hall.”

the receptionist whispers and you look at her as she tilts her head

“go cheer up your boyfriend.”

you don’t even correct her, your worry for sungjin overrides it as you take her advice 

when you open the door, the small room is dark and you don’t hear any sounds - but you see the outline of sungjin

he’s just standing beside one of the shelves, quiet and defeated

“sungjin?”

he turns around at the sound of your voice, his shoulders don’t relax but he’s not crying or anything

but then, as your eyes adjust a bit - you see the dark bags under his eyes

his hair is a bit of a mess, not combed and clean like usual

you might be exaggerating, but he looks ,,, he looks really bad today

“what’s going on?”

he puts on his ‘it’s all ok, don’t worry about me’ voice and goes “nothing, i just needed a moment.”

you stare at him, almost thorugh him

“no, something is wrong.”

“you have no grounds saying that, you don’t know me that well.”

ouch

that stings and you step back, sungjin seems to have lost that warmth he’s always had

and it’s just in that moment, because sungjin seems to come ot terms with what he’s said and goes to correct himself 

but you just nod, “you’re right. i don’t,,,,,,,”

you turn around and sungjin lifts his hand, but it falters as you start walking away

until he’s alone there again

you don’t come back to visit the surgery clinic

you don’t even try to think about it, and when a student gets into the elevator with you - you do your best to hide your face

but the hospital buzzes with some rumor about you and sungjin breaking up

“are you not with your boyfriend,,,that cute surgery student???” someone asks in your program 

without much emotion you answer, “he wasn’t my boyfriend, not even my friend really.”

it confuses people - but it dies down fast

you and sungjin,,,,,,,,neither of you steps forward first

and it’s only when you hear that it’s the last week of student rotations for this semester that it really dawns on you

he’s never going to apologize is he? 

he’s probably forgotten all about me,,,,,,

but, just as you’re getting ready to leave for the day - saying goodbye to everyone in your program the elevator dings

you turn, to run and catch it when you see who steps out of it

sungjin, awkward and looking around like a lost puppy spots you

in his hand is a boquet of flowers

he walks closer and you kind of just stand there - frozen

“i,,,,,,” he swallows and adjusts his hold on the flowers “i should have done this before, but i ,,,, i just got busy and i -”

“it’s fine. you said what you said and you were right. you didn’t have to go to the gift shop just to get me these.”

sungjin shakes his head, “i got these on my lunch break from an actual florist. i know you said you liked sunflowers so,,,,,,,but also i wasn’t right.”

he looks down, sighing

“i keep a lot of things inside, so when they come out - they come out harsh. you were someone who,,,who made me feel comfortable enough to open up and then i took it out on you when i knew you were there to help. i,,,,i really can be an idiot.”

he laughs sadly and you feel your heart crack a bit

you take the flowers and smell them, looking back up at him

“you’re not an idiot.”

he opens his mouth and you shake your head

“if you were you wouldn’t have made it this far, people wouldn’t relay on you. but you need to remember that sometimes you need to be taken care of to. you need someone to relay on to.”

he falls silent

but in a gentle shy whisper he asks, “is,,,,,would it be ok if i relied on you then?”

you look down into the flowers to hide the smile tugging at your mouth

“of course.”

sungjin’s phone goes off and it’s a text from the students in his clerkship. he has to get going and just as he turns, you pull him back by the sleeve

he’s already put his mask back up, but you pull it down - pressing your lips to his

“when your rotation ends, let’s go on a date - ok?”

sungjin turns every shade of red in the book but he agrees

your first date is a well deserved curry lunch that sungjin has been waiting for for a LONG time

no like seriously, he almost sobs when he gets to eat it and you’re like sungjin,,, and he’s like im sorry ive been living off stale granola bars and packet ramen 

you let him have some of your curry,,,,he almost eats half of it LOL

afterwords you’re walking through the park, the warm evening weather makes it easy for you guys to just wander

when you hear one of the street performers playing on their guitar

you stop to listen, when sungjin suddenly pulls from your side

you watch, confused as he whispers something into the performers ear and your eyes go wide when the guy hands sungjin his guitar

with a smile, sungjin starts to play the chords to one of your songs that you’d mentioned

he sings along, eyes locked on yours and you feel your heart melt inside your chest

when he finishes the performer goes “you must be engaged or something, he loves you so much!”

and sungjin is like “actually,,,,,,,,,this is our first date”

unfortunately, dates are scarce with sungjin till his summer break kicks in 

but it’s ok, you see him for those five minute chats in the hospital

and one of the nurses goes “i saw those two kissing out in the hospital garden this morning~”

you and sungjin: WHAT

the nurse: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID

the other students are all apparently jealous of your relationship,,,that it’s so lucky you volunteer at the same hospital - that they want love too :(

but you’re like guys,,,,don’t get it wrong sungjin is still in a fully committed relationship with his medical textbooks and clerkship,,,,you’re just a third wheel jokes jokes

but honestly, you don’t even mind it’s cool getting to be like “my boyfriends going to be a surgeon”

also i repeat: he looks freaking CUTE in the lab coat 

you put a sticker on his ID card and even though sungjin loves keeping things clean and professional

he keeps it there,,,,because it’s cute - you’re freaking cute

it’s funny though because someone tells you sungjin has a photo of you two in his locker at the hospital and you’re like no way

and when you ask him he just gets red like,,,huh,,,what,,,,,uh,,,,,

you finally get to meet his friends when the summer breaks around and,,,,,god is it funny

jae is just like “bro i thought you were fake ,,,,, i thought for sure sungjin fever dreamed you up or something”

dowoon and youngk just accept you because they trust you love sungjin - even past his dad jokes

and wonpil has a lot of questions. many questions 

“does sungjin make you play that board game with him,,,surgery! yeah surgery-”

“why would he do that-” sungjin, putting a hand over your mouth “shhh don’t answer him - if you do,,,,the questions will never stop.”

since he’s not up to his ears in work and school, you also get to experience more of sungjin’s musical ability

which shocks you everytime - like you’re just like you could have been a musician,,,,why choose surgery??

but you don’t ask him though, you respect his decisions 

but you do shower him in compliments that makes sungjin all giddy and pink

100% comes over and helps you build furniture if you need him too LOL actually fixed your computer too,,,, he’s like a genius with his hands

(in more ways than one)

im just saying that one night,,,when he’s supposed to be just dropping you off after a date maybe,,,you let him in,,,,you know,,,,and sungjin is so cute he’s really like  “what do you wanna watch on netflix?” and you just pull your shirt off and he’s like OH THATS WHY IM HERE

but he’s also like,,,,he’s not a novice - he knows what he’s doing

you check the marks out in the morning and you’re like woah sungjin, you have more energy then expected

sungjin hiding his face in your pillow “im sorry,,,”

teaches you some guitar when you guys have indoor dates, he puts his hands over yours and everything

his bland, clean room starts showing signs of you

like he has a drawer with some of your things - polaroids of you and him hang up on the wall above his desk

and it’s like,,,sungjin is really happy about it

jaebum even notes that he seems to be more comfortable about himself now that he has you

if you guys just have a moment where it’s quiet, you’re laying on his bed and he’s doing something on his laptop at his desk

you’ll look over and just be like “really?” because your cute, nerdy boyfriend is reading wikipedia articles about some weird medical discoveries - even during his break from school

when he goes back, you’re sad about your time together getting cut

but at the same time you have fun making cute flash cards for sungjin’s exams

and just supporting him again with little visits and snacks

and sungjin is honestly lovestruck at this point - it’s so noticeable and it’s like

he never losses it,,,he falls in love with you everyday all over and over agian

like you just smile at him and god his heart burSTS

jae gets your number just to be like: listen, let’s prank sungjin and say i need surgery

you: that’s mean jae

jae: you and him are a good couple, the no-fun couple -___-

sungjin is definitely a kiss on the forehead person, especially when you can’t do a lot of PDA at the hospital

might secretly have asked night6 to play a song he wrote about you for your first anniversery,,,

you cried - he cried,,,,wonpil literally BALLED his eyes out

you and sungjin ended up comforting him

idk,,you guys just are such good people made for each other accept it ok

day6: jae | wonpil | youngk  by group: bangtan | vixx | got7 | nct | kard | monsta x | seventeen gg specials: amber | momo | irene commissioned: iu | chanyeol | hongseok

[theconfusedartist]

DRAGON AGE

Alright, so I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while, now that I’ve gotten back into dragon age origins and since I’m about to start doing a shit ton of fanart and fic simply bc I’m getting back in the swing of it, I figure I might as well start actually making a post about them, rather then just making a one-off post and talking about them without out any context lol.

Ok so, in this AU that I’m working on, Duncan realized that, hey, maybe only one recruit for like the end of the world in his order of grey wardens, is not the best idea, and then goes on to recruit all of the characters from the origins.

So, he swings by Orzammar first, getting Brosca and Aeducan. In this au, the name of my Brosca is Tsoyo and the Aeducan is Sariah. I’m gonna post pictures of every one of my warden later, but for now, I’m just gonna say who they are. Tsoyo and Sariah knew each other before, since Seriah hired Tsoyo’s...services in the past. Seriah doesn’t really think much of the casteless, but she does like that they can do some dirty work for her and go basically undetected for it. So, in terms of time, Tsoyo goes to the proving and wins, just like in the original, and Duncan recruits her, but in this, Duncan stuck around a little longer as the Aeducan family still had business with him and he needed to go to the deep roads to make sure that this was a real blight and I mean, hey, what better way to test the new recruit right? 

So, while Duncan is getting Tsoyo ready for what’s to come, Seriah goes to the new provings that takes place as they redid it because they couldn’t fathom that a casteless could ever win and this doubled as them holding it in honor for the Seriah getting her new post as a commander. Seriah didn’t really rise to Bhelen’s bait and didn’t go after him like Bhelen had hoped, even though she realized that there was no way that the mercenaries could’ve gotten the ring unless it was from Trian. It was quite the surprise to see her brother, dead in front of her and her father and Bhelen walking in and being accused of his death. 

She gets sentenced to walk the deep roads and meets up with Duncan and Tsoyo and from there they scout for a bit before going off to the circle. Because I mean, hey, one mage is equivalent to ten soldiers, right? 

So, Duncan gets there, with Tsoyo and Seriah in tow who are really uncomfortable being around each other as they’ve had a less than clean relationship in the past (murder, blackmail, and other stuff). Duncan gets to the tower for recruits and in this au, both ‘Surana’ and Amell are there. I’ll explain why I put the ‘’ around Surana in a minute. 

So, Amell, who’s first name is Daylen, Jowan, and ‘Surana’, who’s first name is Acici, are all there. Jowan is going through with his little plot to escape the circle and Acici has literally just had her harrowing, a few nights ago before Duncan had gotten there. Daylen has his harrowing the night before Duncan arrives to the tower and his goes very...differently. 

I’ll go into this a LOT more in a second reblog, since I want to go into everyone’s backstory in a bit, person by person, with pictures, but since I’m going with the abridged version, I’ll just put it as, Acici had the normal harrowing that we get in the game, give or take, and Daylen thought it was fun to fuck around with things that he shouldn’t. So, Duncan has his eye on the both of them and Acici, being the actual loyal friend goes around bolstering her image and getting the rod of fire, killing spiders and charming the old man to sign the form for her. She had him sign the form, but then figured that if she curried favor with as many senior enchanters as possible, then it would probably be good for her in the long run. 

As for Daylen, well, he’s sitting there like, ‘why do we have to get dragged down with Jowan?’ and goes to Senior Enchanter Irving and tells him about it. Sure, he feels bad about it, but the deal was this: if he goes along with this plan, then he and Acici have to be pardoned and get off scot free for helping with taking down Lily and catching Jowan in the act. Irving agrees and he plays double agent. And well you know how that song and dance goes, Jowan gets away, and the others are left holding the bag. Irving tries to pacify Gregoir, but he hates mages so Duncan conscripts them both into the order. Meanwhile, Tsoyo and Seriah are just really confused with all the magic bullshit going on. And then there were four recruits. 

After that, Duncan and the four recruits go to Highever, to recruit Ser Gilmore because I guess Duncan wanted a basic ass bitch (idk, I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t finished the human noble to this day. I’m still trying to, but I really didn’t see any appeal in Gilmore like that, he seemed like someone good to have as a second, but not someone you’d send to kill an archdemon when there’s only two grey wardens left) and Cousland, or better known as Luna the heartbreaker, isn’t really interested in the wardens or anything. I mean why would she be? Duncan is fine and all, but she gets to rule over a castle by herself, why the hell would she want to leave? But then, it’s not really up to her when mostly everyone gets killed anyways. So, at this point we have five recruits, good job Duncan!

Their next stop is (drumroll please) DENERIM! (wasn’t expecting that were you?)

Duncan was like, shit, lemme go and get Adaia, at least that way I know that I can have someone who knows what the score is and she can help the others and Alistair as someone who’s been around the bend and seen some shit. Only, that’s not what happens, obviously because Adaia was killed by humans a while back, but he is just in time to witness a double wedding and get threatened by a one of the brides (lol). And also see them all get carried off to get raped by the arl’s son and his guards. Luna is cross, but like ‘hey, shouldn’t we do something about this?’. Tsoyo is a bit surprised because she thought that elves were all a bunch of fig eating floofies that just lived in happiness, not squalor and fear of death, so she seconds it. Acici is ready to murder Duncan when he says that they can’t get involved (for that same reason that ‘Surana’ is like that) and hands a sword to Nelaros and Soris. Go get ‘em boys!

And now the estate is running with blood, Nelaros is dead, Shianni is traumatized, one of the bridesmaids is dead, and Tabris, Sauda the bride, has literally learned all the different ways to kill over seventy men with a dagger and how quickly rat posion kills three adult human men. Sauda, not willing to let Soris get hauled off, says that it was all her doing. Which...isn’t really an exaggeration, she tore into those fuckers like she was getting paid to do it, Soris gave back up with his crossbow, but she was very eager to spill blood for the kidnapping of her, the others and Nelaros’ death. Also Vaughn was killed, as was his friends. Horrifically. 

And now we have six recruits!! Way to go Duncan, you always find the lively ones!

This recruit wasn’t planned, as Duncan was planning to cut through the Brecilian forest to save some time, and came across two elves that are just heavily tainted. That’s right, in this au, Tamlen lives. So Mahariel, Yeva, and Tamlen are just sick as fuck, but still alive so Marethari is like, ‘let’s get a fucking move on’ and Duncan conscripts them, when they both try to weasel their way out of it. But what can you do? At least Tamlen isn’t dead (a split second decision, I’m not gonna lie). So, Duncan comes to Ostagar with seven new recruits and most of them just....do not give a damn about the king (lolololol get fuckin’ rekt Calian). They go into the wilds, save a few mabaris (mabari? mabaris?) with some wild flowers, Tsoyo gets a big gay crush on Morrigan, then they come back and do shots with the darkspawn blood in the joining. Daveth and Jory die(wah wah) but everyone else makes it out alive (Tamlen...barely made it. Bitch nearly pulled a Daveth) and then they were sent to the tower. 

The reason for them all being sent to the tower was simple. Cailan realized that a lot of the new recruits just did not give a fuck about the crown or his authority or was in grieving over their lost loved ones, and was like ‘hey, that way there’s no way that the tower ISN’T going to be lit and I don’t have to worry about them on the field’). And then he died. Duncan didn’t die tho, are you fucking kidding me? The leader of the grey wardens? Dying? I don’t fucking think so. He makes it out, but it’s a little after the battle and he makes it far enough into the wilds that Flemeth saves him. The other wardens have already left with Morrigan and they’re on their way to Lothering, but Duncan had to stay with Flemeth for a while due to the severity of his wounds and how long they would take to heal, even with magic. 

Duncan joins up with the other grey wardens around the time that they get captured by Anora’s captors (I have to play to see who would get captured or not, as most of these characters are fucking warriors and some of them in their own personal runs might actually be able to take them down where others can’t) and I haven’t decided what happens at that point. 

That’s all that I have right now, but once I get some character portraits up, I’ll update this a bit more.

[survivorindia]

Episode 1-Queen Maple Syrup Chugger Liam

Liam's on the other tribe. </3 Hopefully I will be reunited with Queen Maple Syrup Chugger Liam and we can rule this game before I live up to my villain role and backstab him. :D Also meeting people is annoying, we're all so fake to each other and we know it.

Lol I'm being so fake to someone. I'm talking to them about not liking fake people while I'm being the fakest ho out there.

MMMMMMMM so Ruben and Alexis are dating outside the game. Don't mind me, I'm just on the edge of spilling some tea. I C O N I C.

Tbh I'm probably out, Lexi knows too many damn people.

Let me just say that Robin is amazing and I'm her #1 fan  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWizmnr8Ylc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mc7x7gO4FDs

So first opinions of my tribe? Dry.. I've talked to Dom who seems nice & he's the person out of everyone who I could see myself most working with. Ruben's pretty cool but everyone else just seems blah.. I just hope that we can liven this tribe up a bit just so that we can get this challenge done.. I'm throwing out suggestions & kinda sorta trying to lead my team this week but no ones responding. If we end up at tribal i swear to God.. anyways, thanks to Bernel, who's a good friend of mine outside this game, I know a good amount of tea about his tribe.. like how he plans on alligning with Jordan & Jaiden & one other person from his tribe. He said that Jordan wants to eventually work with some newbies, so my game plan at this point is to try and form a good connection with Dom, so he & I can be the newbies Jordan, Bernel & Jaiden work with.

So my tribe is heading to the first tribal council, surprise surprise, and yes I am feeling extremely nervous cause who wants to be the first person to go home? 24th place? That's flop status.. but anyways, I'm hoping that since Dom & i promised to have each other's backs I'll be safe. I just have to figure out where the rest of the tribe stands BUT NO ONE TALKS TO EACH OTHER!! Dom & i want to get either Lexi or Ruben out because we've both heard from multiple people on the returnee villains tribe that they're dating. And dating means alliance and anyone who isn't in an alliance with me is an enemy. Ruben was trying to pick my brain & find out where I stand with my vote, but how am I supposed to turn the tribe against his girlfriend without him finding out?? Things are about to get interesting.. hopefully

Ok so things just kinda got messy.. after talking to Casey & Lexi, i learned majority of the votes are going to Aidan tonight. So me being the messy bitch that I am.. I went & told Aidan because I want Lexi gone. He says he's on board with voting Lexi off, but even still that would only be three votes for her & then most likely three votes for Aidan. Dom is currently trying to get Casey on board but I just don't know if it's gonna work.. I really think Casey & Lexi are cliqued up & since Lexi & Ruben are together that makes three for their side. I don't know.. it all lies on Casey at this point & if somehow I end up going home tonight then so be it.. I went out swinging & trying to take my target down & that's good enough for me.

I'm very very upset because I'm pretty sure Aidan is going home tonight & even though he's not really an ally, he is a vote. However,  he's messy as fuck.. he told Lexi that I agreed to voting off Casey & then asked him to talk to her & Ruben about it.. EXCUSE ME? That never happened & like.. what person wouldn't ask the person they're about to start a rumor about for permission first? Especially if my ass is trying to save you.. he just definitely could have handled that better. He said it was to throw her off or something like no, that's just messy. Anyways, even though Aidan is going home tonight both Lexi & Ruben approached me about the rumors & assured me they weren't true.. & I assured and lied RIGHT BACK TO THEM that I believed them. & I think they trust me so at least I'm on the good of the majority.

So first confessional! Hello I love my tribe, it's super cute super friendly I know that if we get going to tribal though I am definitely the weakest link and gotta go. We have jaiden who is amazing, Jordan spines what an icon, Julia the Wiccan? My fave. Nobody is realistically gonna vote out anyone but me. So I'm really hoping that we keep slaying these comps until we merge or swap or what not and that the newbie should keep flopping. 

Hello I'm bacc, I guess it's time I make a confessional 👀 I'll do a tribe assessment tru Alex- kweent! They hosted the game I won so an icon truly ! Ashley- I'm on the fence w her bc I feel like she doesn't like but only time will tell suppose Kendall- icon !!!!!!! I love ha so much! Realistically if I were to make a f2 deal it'd be with Kendall, like I trust ha a lot more than the others Gav- WHEW I've already had a couple convos with this icon and honslee I can see myself working with them, Me forgetting the last person skdbsk oh yeah Ace- to trust his ass or to not trust his ass that's the question. I know ace can be sneaky so like ????? He could try to clocc me at any second Anyway I like this tribe overall and I think I've already made a solid alliance with Alex gav and Kendall so hopefully it lasts! Anyway I'm trying to do this challenge but like no! One! Is! Making! The! Doc! Viewable! On! Mobile! Like how is a bitch supposed to contribute when they're not letting me contribute Godt! Anyway I saw chicken nuggets on the list so like guess who's going to McDonald's after work :~)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bA23P2H2PA4

Whoa, I'm a nice guy I guess. I wouldn't call myself a hero so much as wimpy underdog that smells like french fries. But oh well, it'll be fun to see what I can do to destroy this Good Cop vs Bad Cop routine down the road :~). These people can't talk for shite! I can see why we're not villains because the best villains can actually like work a decent social game, not just half heartedly agree to everything I say. I've had better conversations with Gavin and Alex than with Whitney and Robin already lmao... at least Liam can hold up a conversation for something. Anywho, let's see how this goes... maybe I caught them at a bad time but I could be in a group with people with lousier social games than I! Which, I mean, isn't necessarily a bad thing but it'll probably be boring if people talk like this for a long while... I just really want this honeymoon period to end so I can stop suffering!!!

This challenge is pretty good for a guy like me, assuming I have like half of the shite there. Since it's the first challenge, if we happen to lose, all that matters is that you contributed. And I've already done like a sixth or fifth or something of the total amount so if I can find more to shove in, I think I'll be able to roll through this round A-OK. Steven, Robin, and Liam are the three I like the most so far. Whitney seems cool but it felt like she didn't want to talk to me yesterday so idk with her and Lexi idek it's like she over exaggerates stuff and that's a pet peeve, yo. Hopefully we can all become chatty because it just feels so slow... I hate the honeymoon of ORGs, these first days honestly SUCK in everything since nobody wants to do anything rippo.

Yiiikes, we lost. Our tribe isn't overly social so I'm not sure what's the happenings right now, but it looks like Steven's the one who's talking the most. I'll wager he's safe and he's pretty cool, so I'm fine with it even if he's the one wielding all the power. Lexi is talkativeish too, so she should be fine. Whitney's active enough in the tribe chat so she may make it through, not sure on people's perceptions of Robyn all too much... tbh I think Liam's in a baaaad spot here. I don't recall him helping much with the challenge nor do I think he's integrating amazing well which sucks because I can use Liam out here. I can say I helped with the challenge, but even then, I'm not sure if I have a strong enough social game to slide by without my name appearing in somebody's mouth. I'm not a social sorta guy but I'm not doing myself any favors out here. Hopefully Liam isn't going, and I can rise to the top with him here. Hopefully...

*sigh* Liam got brought up... he needs to get on and save his ass. We need a new target, it's his only chance... Though I'm not throwing my game away if he ain't gonna give two shits js

AHHHHH I got the TARGET SWITCHED I think. WHEW! Basically, I had to resort to all necessary measures I could. I went hunting and found some TEA - apparently Lexi and Ruben from the newbie villains are/were dating. How interesting. I took this and slid into Liam's PMs and told him to swing Whitney before the others could. He succeeded - she came to me and said she was down to vote Lexi! Then I went and swung Robin and I think we're both working on Steven now... this might be unanimous now... I am actually shook by how I turned the target so quickly. I just hope I'm not screwed and being duped.

I think Steven's expecting me to vote Liam out but highkey I already voted Lexi what to do what to do

HONESTLY if this works out I'm down for a Whitney-Liam-me alliance we'd rock this game whew. All that we need to do rn is make sure Robin is locked down and then Steven has put himself in one baaaad spot. I'm also fortunate that Liam's still going to be the target of Steven's mind so I can avoid the spotlight again and just do what I can to settle down the others :~)

Warning, the video is ear cancer, but... *long, drawn out, annoyingly squeaky screaming noise https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvL8kLB39aw

This tribe is so quiet or they just don't talk to me I'm definitely worried about tonight very good chance I'll be the going home but I'm gonna try to talk with Jonny and Liam and see if I can figure something out to stay

Soooo as of the moment I feel alright unless everyone is lying to me I feel like I have a good chance to stay in the game. It seems like Liam and Lexi are the targets and unless Lexi comes on and starts talking to me finally that's how I plan to vote tonight 

I.. am so happy about this. First of all HELL TO THE O BITCH. So I thought I would start out badly since I wasnt here for the review because bad day, bad karma from stupid hexes. So I love this whole Hero VS. Villains twist, and the whole semi one world tribes! So my villains tribe I LOVE IT! Sarah, I feel I can trust, I love Jaiden, and I love Jordan and I feel like Jordan and Sarah will work together well, and I can work well with Sarah. So I hope that we can work really well in the tribe. More later!!!

So like I am stressed. I have no clue what so ever if I am that stable in this tribe anymore. I previously thought I was, but I was just informed by Sarah that there is an alliance. She was told by Jordan, that Bernel made a meninist alliance of him, Jaiden, and Jordan. And than Bernel now got the audacity to say that he thinks that he can pull me in. First of all, that kinda messes with my game Bernel like, now you are going to have Jaiden, Sarah, and Jordan possibly question me being trustworthy. I feel like Sarah knows that she is my ride or die, and that I completly trust Sarah the most out of this game. And it is 100 percent true, I won'the be going against Sarah, but everyone else? Be prepared. Anyway, because of this new alliance I am questioning Jaiden loyalty because he never told me, or Sarah about it. Only Jordan told Sarah. And Jordan obviously trusts Sarah more than me, which could be a potential problem. I know that because Jordan approached Sarah, and hasn'the told me a thing. Than we have Bernel, who thinks I trust him, but probably he wants to backstab me. And than Nicole honestly is on the outside and hasn'the caused any problems. This is so stressful. I'm so greatful that our tribe isn'the going to tribal, because it would have been absolute hell.

Well, I don't really know anyone on my tribe besides Lexi, which means I definitely have to start talking to people and getting on everyone's good side. UGH.

Whew, so I know its been a bit into the game and this is my first confessional but I promise I'll make more later. So this one just going to recap everything that happened in the first episode. Low key this is a shitty tribe. Like when I think of big villain names these do not come to mind. Like okay, obviously I am Jordan Pines Evil SupremeTM but like literally the only other person on this tribe who I am like you are actually a known villain is Jaiden. Like Bernel, Who? Sarah, not a villain. Nicole, is literally a hero and Julia is like a maybe idk. Like Kendall and Karen who are on the heroes tribe should have been on the villains. Like come on people. Anyways. I am currently aligned with a lot of people? Like Me and Jaiden,  Me and Sarah, Me and Bernel, Me Bernel and Jaiden, Me Jaiden and Sarah. And like i am close with Julia and Nicole just conversation wise. Whew its a lot. The good thing is that despite how big of a narcissistic asshole I am, I am not the biggest ego on this tribe. The great thing about this reject villains tribe is that everyone wants to prove themselves as deserving people of being villains and are like trying to control things already. Jaiden clearly wants to be the leader and its like have fun buddy. I've been there done that not happening this time. We won the challenge which was fun and then I contributed the most to the challenge and got an idol clue. How cute is that. I found the page like instantaneously and now am doing like grid guesses. Then my good hot friend Dom on the newbies is like hey I got an idol clue, and im like no way girl me too. It's the same one but I am pretending that I havent found the grid yet so that maybe in an hour or so I will triumphantly "find it" and share it with Dom. So ya, that everything happening so far in the life and times of Jordan Pines. I may be on a tribe of assholes, but no fear. I am Jordan Pines. I am King of the Assholes.

Of course I'm in a game with fucking Ace and Jordan Pines. I love when the trash take themselves out!

Dom is so hot  b y e

I take back what I said about Jordan Pines. He actually isn't that bad so far, and I guess there's an unspoken alliance between myself, Julia, Jordan, and Sarah. I like this foursome and I also really like Bernel, too. Nicole on the other hand... girl...... I don't know what it is about her but I just can't trust her for the life of me. Bernel and Nicole are close outside of this so my prediction is that they'll stick around unless one of them goes home soon. Hopefully we don't go to tribal anytime soon though because I don't want the risk of me going out premerge AGAIN to ever come to fruition. On the other hand, Nicole needs to go now versus later because she's made the merge before and she's gotten to the finals twice. No offense but I don't need this to be a three-peat. Dom is the only newbie that I've talked to since the game has begun, and although I know Lexi and Casey outside of this, I feel like he's closer to me than I am with them already. He's a really cool dude and I get the feeling that everyone else agrees with me. He is really charming and flirtatious and it's like... woah calm down there but I think it's just his way of proving that he isn't a "villain". He talks about doing really well in ORGs so if this is his strategy, it seems to have worked for everyone else so far. Anyways Dom just revealed that he hates Kait and I won't stand for this slander >:( 

Okay so I made a video confessional but it's uploading, so I will link to it below and then talk about it. 

 https://youtu.be/2ZQ1iepS3IY 

 After I recorded this, I went and talked to Casey. She told me she's in a tight foursome right now and that they're all voting together tomorrow, which means that I was probably wrong about what I thought. I don't know who the four could be but it's evident that Dom has something to do with it, and she later confirmed those suspicions. He's in complete control of that ugly ass tribe and that SCREAMS danger to me. I need to alert people to that soon because if he got the idol clue like I'm suspecting, then that's even more dangerous. I tried to tip Casey off to this, but I don't think she trusts me enough with that information so I let it go. I need to not make myself blatant about who I'm after this early on in the game, so pretty much that entire video I just recorded? Pointless. I think a good move is to just kiss up to Dom. If he wants to pretend that I'm his boyfriend, then I'll go ahead. Let him think he can control me, I guess... but that's not the truth. I know what's good for me and it isn't him. yikes he's going to be SO MAD when these confessionals come out and he sees that this is what I'm saying about him...sorry man! but ur a threat! :~) Like I said, stick to the plan. Play it safe. Work on relationships with Julia and Nicole as well as tend to relationships with Bernel, Sarah, and Jordan. Focus on Kharab before I start to involve myself in newbie drama... yuck. Dom's still a threat! I just can't be on his bad side this early.

I told Sarah about Dom's idol clue. Because Dom gave me the idol clue. So now it's four people looking for it, and I think Sarah found it...

So the game started and cast was revealed with 4 tribes. I was totally thrown into this last minute but that doesn't mean I'm not going to give my all. However I do already have one regret. I should have created a fake account lmao. I didn't expect people to know who Lexi and I were and now there is already a target on both of our backs because people know that we are dating lol. I'm more concerned for Lexi on her tribe because she's on a tribe with Whitney and Gavin who BOTH know that we date. On top of that I know Whitney is really good friends with her ex so that doesn't help her case at all. However Lexi is a good social player and if anybody can get out of it, it's her. My strategy for now is to lay low. Obviously my number one goal is working with Lexi however I'm still trying to make some settle connections with some people on my tribe. I don't know a lot of people in this game and the ones I do know outside of Lexi are not good friends of mine lol. However I'm hoping that could be used to my advantage because where there are good relationships, there are some bad relationships too. I just need to bank on that and let someone take a strike on someone else. 

Johnny and I are hitting it off quite nicely...Gavin's a bitch talking about my close friend like he won't succeed, and everyone else besides Johnny on my original tribe of 5 sucks at talking. We're fucked 10 minutes in. And baby, I don't have time for that now.

Why in god's name am I a HERO I'm DISGUSTED by that word.

I'M STUCK ON A TRIBE OF AMERICANS SEND HELP.

FLIPPED IT DADDY. I AM N O T A HERO AHAHAH

SUCK ON THAT, STEVEN. 

I AM BACK FOR THE FOURTH TIME!? WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED. I should really start loving myself more but clearly I can't get enough. Clearly I am on the Villains tribe, which I knew was going to happen ...and along with me on the tribe is Jordan Pines, Jaiden, Julia, Bernel and Nicole! Honestly people are probably thinking that I would hate my tribe but I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!! I WAS BLESSED!!! I LOVE 3 out of the people on my tribe and with me thats majority and all of those three want to work together with me like...........can we talk about how amazing that is. This twist is so cute because I get to talk to all the villains on the season because we share one beach so yall are going to get first impressions from the people I have talked to last night and today! We did a villains beach call last night and it was super fun btw so im glad im playing again and whew im ready Jordan Pines: We know each other in the community, and we're in Sweden together in our swapped tribe rn so I'm so down to play with him and we get a long gr8 [2017-02-03 5:23:27 PM] Jordan Pines: I'm just dead at this [2017-02-03 5:23:31 PM] Jordan Pines: Same tribe fuxk [2017-02-03 5:30:40 PM] Jordan Pines: Like low key can we have a final 2 here I need to make single digits in a season Julia: I love her so much, we played in Bangladesh together just recently, and yea I voted her off but I'm so excited to see her! Shes also crazy which I love and she wants to work together too! [2017-02-03 5:23:39 PM] Sarah: julia [2017-02-03 5:23:42 PM] Sarah: queen [2017-02-03 7:45:30 PM] julia: WE ARE ON A TRIBE [2017-02-03 7:45:40 PM] julia: This makes me feel so much better [2017-02-03 7:45:57 PM] julia: I'm gon b very loyal 2 u Jaiden: He's hosting me in Atomic Survivor rn, and we've always talked outside of games and always connected. He worries me because he might be a little neurotic ...but hes the puppy of our tribe so ill train him well ;) Nicole:  Shes so pretty! We havent talked yet but she seems so nice i am dead. Bernel: We have barely talked but Jp,Jaiden and Julia all like him...so thats good and bad at the same time that hes so well liked...so ill just keep talking to him I guess :) Dom: The ONLY newbie that came on the villains beach call yesterday and hes so cute I really like him and I can see him and I working together if the cards allign! Thats basically it but I saw that Kendall, and Karen are on the heroes tribe and they're both from the rogues tribe from r&r and so was I so basically idk how thats gonna go over with them but I would be down to work with both of them if we all three make swap/merge.

Of all the Wiki players, you picked Aidan, Johnny, and Liam. I'm disappointed in you hosts... c'mon now. Anyway, everyone seems cool ^___^ Karen seems to know Kendall which puts me on edge, but let's hope for the best!

IN ADDITION TO THE WIKI PEOPLE, WE HAVE AAO PEOPLE... AND THEY DECIDED TO CAST A COUPLE?! https://www.facebook.com/ruben.colon.182 LEXI AND RUBEN ARE DATING AND IN THE SAME GAME. OH.MY.GOSH. HOW IS THIS A THING Also, Alex and I seem to already getting close :) I love everyone on this tribe except for Karen and Ace, thus far ^__^

First impressions: Alex - Trustworthy in the short term; extremely social Karen - Slimy; messy; manipulative Kendall - Outgoing; convincing Ace - Reserved; furry (?) Ashley - Trustworthy; cutthroat

Ashley hates Karen Karen hates Ashley and Ace Kendall is hitched to Karen Karen is hitched to Kendall but very very badly trying to make it seem like Alex and Kendall are tight, and it would be a good idea to ally with the that pair (given that Karen and I are now a pair?) All in all, I trust Alex the most. I don't want to share with anyone the info everyone is feeding to me because I may get Cesternino'ed out of the game (aka, everyone teams up on the person who is playing the middle). I'd love to see every self implode as I facilitate the implosion! Ace also loves the fact that I love his furry fandom! But... he's lowkey freaking me out >,>

Just got off call with Alex, and this is where I see the game as it stands at the moment: Kendall and Karen are a duo, but Kendall's social game puts Alex at ease. That puts me in a compromising position, as I want to keep Alex safe but take out Kendall. At the same time, I've worked to solidify a bond with Ashley and pulled strings behind the scenes to ensure Ashley trusts Alex and Alex trusts Ashley (ensuring that Alex won't vote Ashley out). Ace and Karen are also on good terms with me, with Karen and I having formally called it an "alliance." I have been added into "The Cult Alliance," consisting of Karen, Alex, and *shivers* Kendall... but the main takeaway from all of that is the fact that I was last added. It is clear as day that I cannot trust Kendall in the long-term, and as such, I would like to take her out... but that's tricky business with Alex trusting her so much. I feel safe going into the first tribal (that is, if we lose immunity), and as it stands right now, here is who I trust from most to least: 1. Alex 2. Ashley 3. Karen 4. Ace 5. Kendall 6. Bran

This group is great. I'm in love with everyone on this team. They're all fantastic human beings. I clicked with Gavin immediately, and I knew Kendall/Karen already. We're in a group called The Cult, and it couldn't be any better. I just feel really comfortable with all of them.

Let me make something completely clear, I dislike old people. Well, not all old people, some can be really nice or funny, they don't even need a leathery face or scurrilous for me to consider them old. When person is considered old, in my opinion, when they don't stop saying shit like 'back in my day'. Whether they are 99 or 32, the moment they say "back in my day" they earn the title of old person. Now most of you may be wondering "Kendall what the fuck? What does this have to do with India?" Some of you have already accepted I'm spaz who never really gets to the point. My reasoning for this non sequitur is because I want you to understand, how bad doing this challenge has come to. Because back in my day, when we did the scavenger hunt we were competing against robots and they did all the fucking categories before the deadline. Like seriously, aren't heroes supposed to be hard working or some shit like that? Even more evidence that the tribes were picked by a hat draw. :P Technically speaking, as of now three people are doing the scavenger hunt; Alex (who only put down one), Gavin (who put down two but still got a considerable amount of points), and me (who did a lot of shit, mostly pertaining to making an ass of myself on camera). I don't doubt  that the others will eventually get shit done but I'm worried they will be too late and we will be beaten by robots... Again! I mean if we do lose, I have the argument I did more than everyone. Though, I'd try to say it in a less cunty way. Emphasis on try because I am basically a child who doesn't understand basic communication. 

Alright so I am a flop and have not made one of these yet... oops. So to start off, I like my tribe a lot, I seem to have a lot in common with the other hero returnees. I really like Gavin, and he has said to me that he would like to be able to work with me throughout the game and I am like hell yes. Alex likes me, which is nice, Gavin told me so, haha. Gavin just says that Alex wants to talk to me more so I will get on that. I don't really get a good vibe from Karen, idk. It could be that I like just voted her out of a game and idk if she will hold that against me so I guess we will see. Haven't really talked to Kendall, oops. Ace seems really cool, he has a lot of doggos and I am in love with all of them. Oh also I found an idol already. There hasn't even been a tribal yet and I have an idol. I got my tribe the most points in the scavenger hunt and got a clue for a reward. I found the place where we had to search for idols and found one on the first try. There was like a bunch of blocks and I had to choose one and I found an idol on the first shot. Like what am I? A goddess.

Okay so here is my first confessional and I guess I’m supposed to talk about the tribe and people. Well, they all suck and I hate them for not being able to stick with a decision. I like Ruben but Jaiden is telling me that everyone thinks we’re a couple which isn’t true at all. If I get voted out over a lie THAT stupid, I will never play again with these weirdos or come back to these games. Dumbasses! I did the second most things in the challenge and if they really love losing then might as well vote me out! Dom is such a snake, he talks to everyone and then doesn’t give any information out. Sorry but who do YOU think you are? I’m not bowing down to your feet. I talked to Aidan and told him people were saying that he was the target and then he took FOREVER to reply as if he was asking people what to say to me. Sorry for being honest and trying to save you? If you want to leave, BE MY GUEST. Then we have our all around useless tribe member Monte trying to go around and be annoying when they couldn’t even do the fucking challenge. Sorry but your ass doesn’t get a say, sit down, shut up and listen to what we want you to do. I wanted their ass to go this tribal. They’re literally useless; not good at challenges, didn’t talk to anyone until today, and is most likely aligned with the other people who played Agrabah on the returnee villains. I have no idea why they would tell me they played that game when there’s so many of them here. Casey has not been online all day and from her last night I heard Aidan, but she took so long to reply, I fell asleep. She was like “lol Aidan is the vote!” and then I asked this morning if anyone else agreed… she gave her patented short reply! “Everyone agreed” My paranoia is obviously taking over and maybe I’m fine but the way these people are acting, it seems as if I’m being voted out. Ruben thinks “oh no, we’re ALL good” and that more than one person couldn’t POSSIBLY lie to us. LMAO Give me a break. Aidan pretending to talk to Monte and then Monte saying that they never talked???????? Wonder why! Monte is either lying to cover their ass for playing all sides and Aidan is going or they are all voting me. Casey won’t get online Ruben is too optimistic Aidan is a big fat liar Monte is fake Dom… thinks he runs the tribe Watch me not even get voted out and look like an insane person, which I mean, I am? Aidan is getting voted out according to everyone and he’s acting so suspicious and doesn’t want to do anything about it. I have so much more to say but I’m just going to hope for the best that I’m still around and try to get it in for the next confessional.  I’m forgetting so much but it’s time! I’ll have conversation screenshots for next time hopefully to show you how everyone is acting like a lunatic. Me, included. I can’t wait to go next tribal for acting like a psychotic person this time. I hate myself so much.. I had so much more in this before I accidentally deleted it but oh wells.

I am so excited about this! I have never played before and I'm glad to be representing the heroes. I talked to most people on my tribe and they all seem really cool. Lexi and Steven have given me the best vibes so far. I'm hoping I can get some sort of partnership or I think it's alliance that it's called on survivor. This cast is so big it's overwhelming! I'm skeptical about being on a heroes chat. I'm assuming there will be some twists associated with that. I'm going to try to talk to the veteran heroes just in case later tonight. I hope I can do well in the upcoming challenge! Time to go back to socializing

I'm getting really good vibes from my tribe. Everyone is great. I think we're a special group and I hope we can make it far. I feel like I've connected most with Steven so far. He's played orgs before and has been helping explain the kinds of challenges there are. He's been overall very helpful and I really appreciate the fact that he's reaching out to me. I would be completely loyal to him so I hope he trusts me too. Ideally, I want to form an alliance with Lexi and Steven. I'm not sure how close they are but i'm hoping they approach me about it. Also the weird guy...I forgot his name. He's "Poteet" on skype. he's nice. i talk to him occasionally and he's contributed a lot to the challenge. Whitney's been a little inactive. I'm not sure if she's just not been talking to me or it's with everyone else but Lexi said she didnt say much to her either. She did the bollywood dance for the challenge though so she's still being a team player. I think if we lost immunity Liam would get voted off. He hasnt been talking in the tribe chat or to me and Lexi. I'm pretty sure he has not done anything for the challenge either. It's nice to have someone inactive in the beginning. It makes me feel more comfortable going into tribal council. Well, that's all for now. I'll probably make another one of these after immunity results!

okay so im sad we lost immunity. this is my first game and im going to tribal on the first night, yikes! so last night i talked to steven, johnny, and lexi. it seemed like we were all on the same page of voting out liam for his inactivity. this morning, though, johnny and liam informed me that they want to get rid of lexi because apparently her boyfriend is on the villains tribe. i'm stuck because i really like lexi and i promised her i would not vote her out but johnny and liam are making this out to be a very dangerous connection. i'm not too convinced that lexi should leave because of this. if anything, this will help us at merge or a tribe swap. we could get her boyfriend to vote with us. the concept of getting rid of a premade (new term i learned today!) this early doesn't seem too effective since we're all still trying to get to know each other. it'd be great to keep them once we're at merge because they'd be easy targets. I have a feeling liam and johnny are close allies and that's why they're starting this. i'm definitely voting for liam and i will go out of my way to make sure lexi stays. i need to keep the girl numbers up!

this tribal council is going to be so messy. i am pretty sure we're going to rocks. basically, i'm going to be deciding whether lexi leaves or the vote ties. i feel like such a villain because i've been lying to whitney and johnny saying i'll vote for lexi. but i cant vote for her. i promised i wouldnt do it. i guess essentially im being heroic by sticking to what i said first? im not sure. this will be a night none of the viewers want to miss. steven and i are determine not to switch our votes.

Why are Johnny and Whitney like this.....Steven and I locked in our votes first and I thought they would be smart enough not to take the risk of going to rocks. Looks like everyone on this beach is out of their mind. The rock draw will determine who the next two targets are. I'm really hoping Johnny leaves. He's great at challenges but he can be very sneaky and I don't want him as my enemy. I hope this doesn't end up being my last confessional.

ok so these people are already a little nerdy. The only person i'm enjoying right now is Robin k. She or he idk which is really nice and were into the same shows it seems. I dont know how i ended up on a hero tribe lmao but ill take it. Ruben my boyfriend is on the villians tribe and i already got called out by gavin for it. I'm not going to hide it but not going to tell people either. I have to make a tumblr since i didnt already have one. Also this person johnny is talking about dungeons and dragons. I dont think im going to do well lol. Ok thats all for now.

[gleefail]

Glee Memories: 1x12 MATTRESS

A long, long time ago, as Glee was approaching graduation in Season 3, I found myself nostalgic with some rare free time on my hands. So I decided to rewatch the series from the beginning and jot down some memories, discrepancies that have arisen since, fave quotes, tally solos - all that good stuff, strictly for shits and giggles.

8 years later (eek!) and once more I find myself with an unexpected abundance of free time. With so many revisiting or being newly introduced to the show between binge watching during Quarantine and all the tragedy that has surrounded the show since it went off the air, I figured I’d finish what I started. And by finish, I mean go through the end of S3. Cause I truly cannot acknowledge what happened after that. Except for 5B.

Kicking this off by reposting the first 15 episodes I already went through. Enjoy!

1x12 MATTRESS Yearbook pictures. Ruh roh. I remember this ep. It ended sad for me. :(

Ken thinks he’s gonna drop 20 pounds in less than a week. Oh boy.

Remember that time Ken totes planned his and Emma’s wedding the same time as Sectionals so she couldn’t go, then pretended he didn’t, then Emma stood up for him when Will caught on? That was fun…douche Ken.

“Got myself a bit of an eyelift. And while they were in there I told em’ go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn’t usin’ em’.”

Is Sue right – do yams really draw the water out of the skin? Hmm…yam diet, eh?

“We have all felt the cold humiliation of a slushie in the face” Not yet, Kurt. But apparently you ALL will. Still double-checking that. Rachel, Finn, Quinn, Puck, Kurt, Mr. Schue.

“What’s a patriotic wedgie?” “It’s when they hoist you up the flagpole by your undies.” “Strangely it did make me feel more American.”

It is TERRIFYING, the fates of these kids in previous glee yearbook photos whose pictures were defaced. OMG.

“He barks at my mom.”

Alright. I gotta say it. It is totally not right or legal I’m sure for Figgins to ask for Glee to pay for their own photo. He’s saying that’s what a full page ad costs…but the school doesn’t pay a thousand dollars for each club’s picture. Shenanigans.

Okay. So I’m watching this post-Props/Nationals. And I’m pissed. Rachel just came storming into Figgins’ office to petition for a Glee yearbook photo. She says “As you may know, this is my first year in Glee Club” – THE FUCK?!?! So she wasn’t in Glee her freshman year?!?! So she started the same time as Tina, Artie, Kurt, and Mercedes?!?! So we DIDN’T miss a year of her ‘earning it’ more than anyone else around her? THE FUCK, Glee?! THE FUCK, I ASK YOU!

Hey, remember that time that Rachel joined every club possible? Hey, remember how 2 seasons later she’ll say she doesn’t have extracurriculars for her NYADA audition application? Hey, remember how in Props she says she’s involved in 6 clubs? WTF? #oops

Quinn wants her kids to look back on her yearbook pics and be proud. “Not the bastard one I’m carrying now…” Ha!

Quinn is gonna get in that yearbook photo for the Cheerios and back on that squad whether Sue Sylvester likes it or not. Quinn is braver than I’ll ever be.

Terri is so supportive. She just told Will to wear the tie for the Glee Club photo that’ll go best with the cool kids defacing of it.

“Oh great. Why don’t you take the food out of the refrigerator and give that to the kids?” hahaha. Overdramatic and exaggerating, but still funny.

Will is going behind Terri’s back to pay for the photo. Yup. That’s a strooooong marriage they got there…

Ok. Rachel just said if she is in one more club she would officially be the most involved student in the school. Yet she HAS to run for Senior Class President because she has nothing for her NYADA application and she is convinced she won’t get Maria…and even after she GETS Maria, she still doesn’t drop even though her ‘friend’ Kurt really needs it and really wants to be prez to make a difference while in the position. She is awful. They turned her into an AWFUL human being. That we’re no longer supposed to laugh at, but admire. And honestly so far in the series, she’s not so bad. So…lemme see if I can pinpoint in my rewatching when the decline of her character started…

The look Kurt has when he just gets up and walks away from Rachel’s GayLesbAl suggestion. Hi. Lar.I. Ous.

And Mercedes is chillin’ with Matt and Mike. I’m tellin’ ya, I thought she was like, a popular girl!

“I nominate Rachel.” “Second.” Kurtcedes love.

…two things: 1. I think Will uses Emma’s counseling services more than any student. Or all of them combined. 2. He does know she’s not a psychologist, right?

haha. Emma and Will are acknowledging how annoying Rachel is. It’s cruel, but..yes. Teachers do that.

As captain of the Glee Club, did Rachel (or Finn) ever have to do more than have the responsibility of this first yearbook photo? I know at times Finn tries to take on a leadership role but…it’s such a useless position.

:) Aw.Rachel went to Mercedes first to be co-captain. I like that. Maybe it’s cause I’m thinking of TroubleTones and how well and fairly she led them.

“Because I don’t wanna be in a picture with you, it’ll get defaced.” “No it won’t.” “Yes it will, I’ll be the one doing it.”

Rachel is saying that the football players and cheerleaders are only in Glee because of Finn. Hmmm….well, Quinn kinda but more cause of Rachel trying to steal him. We don’t know exactly why the football players joined but it was after they won that game and danced with Kurt and Mr. Schue…and wasn’t it Finn that didn’t choose Glee over football when all the rest of them did? Did I imagine that? No? Just checking.

Haha. Smile. I like this song. I had a friend who hated Glee because everyone loved it. He’s one of those “If everyone loves it it can’t possibly be because it’s good, it’s cause it’s a stupid fad” people – you know the type. He was into this girl and I knew she liked the show so I liked to tease him about how he probably watched it with her. I think he said this song was the first time he saw any of the show and he was confused. I remember I was like “oh, you saw like, the first time they did a song that made no sense in the moment at all. Like, it wasn’t used to further the story, it was out of context except the title of it and it wasn’t supposed to be a performance either. They never do that though. Watch it again.”. Wow. Thinking back on that now…this was the first moment that happened. And it ended up happening SO many more times.  Just…wow. Historic moment right there.

And still, this song is such an odd choice for learning to pose for a yearbook photo. It could’ve been cut completely. Why wasn’t it? It didn’t even bother to further the Finchel storyline either. It was cute and fun and I like the song and I’m glad they did it so I have it on my ipod for workouts, lol, but…unnecessary.

It annoys the crap outta me when they act like they’re sightreading sheet music on this show. No. You are not. And you do an awful job pretending like you are. Just stop.

Ooh, Brad’s getting his jam on, lol.

hahaha. Karofsky just asked how to spell loser. Really? Also, is he officially a football guy now instead of a hockey guy? Ok. Sure. Why not.

I always wonder how people act to a pre-recorded voice-over of inner monologue when there’s more than just “I’m sad” happening with their sub-text. How do they sync that up to the acting journey so well like in this moment that Rachel’s giving her self a pep talk in the mirror? It’s like magic to me, lol.

“I can cry on demand. It’s one of my many talents.”

“Aside from nudity and the exploitation of animals, I’ll pretty much do anything to break into the business.” It’s funny cause I saw Lea Michele topless in Spring Awakening prior to this.

Finn bitches about Glee bringing down his reputation, take three.

“Do you think I have a potato head?”

haha, I do love love love how Rachel shames Finn during this scene. Every time she says his name it’s like a bitch slap for bailing on the yearbook photo.

they’re reeeeeeal excited about selling mattresses. Wanky.

Oh, this brilliant brilliant script for the mattress commercial:                *sigh* “Ah me”                “What’s wrong?”                “We just lost our jobs. At the factory. And we can’t get a good night’s                   sleep” (emphasis on ‘night’s’)

“We should perform.” “Perform the lines…as I wrote them.” I wonder if that was a shoutout/threat to this cast from RIB. Or how many times they’ve heard that if they ever bring up continuity etc. Just me?

Oh Jump. Ok. Let’s talk about this. Super fun number. Great vocals. Also the first time I realized AmberRiley is the shit. Except it took a couple people to make me realize it wasn’t just cause I love listening to her, it’s cause she’s a one of a kind, super rare talent. My one friend pointed out the actual notes she’s belting like it’s a fuckin’ hiccup. ‘Ain’t no thang. I’m Amber fuckin’ Riley. What? Can’t everybody belt that?’ That’s what I imagine she thinks when she pulls off shit like this. Also, one of my students ALWAYS requested this for warm-ups because “she’s so fucking amazing”. And despite the profanity, I was so proud of him for realizing that, even though he was a 16 year old popular-ish boy and she wasn’t the cheerleader or super popular hot chick on the show. And watching my students reacting to her in this and praising her. All of that combined made me go “how did I miss this? Normal people can’t sing that way.”

Will just found the pregnancy pad. Oh shit. Shit’s about to get real. Terri did tell a very convincing lie, without batting an eyelash about how it was just so she could try on clothes for the coming months. That says a lot.

This scene is good. To the point it makes me uncomfortable.

“This marriage works because you don’t feel good about yourself!”

“Quinn Fabray”. Ugh. I can’t even imagine being Will in that moment. How deceived and betrayed he must feel. Man. I’m uncomfortable watching this.

It drives me nuts when people bring up promises made under false pretenses. Terri brings up now how Will promised to remember how happy they were and that they loved each other…at the fake ultrasound. Yeah. Your lie negates the promise, idiot. Rachel does something similar in regards to “you said you’d never break up with me” to Finn in season 2 after she cheats with Puck. People are fools.

Seriously though, how does Will not even question those mattresses and just bust one out. And couldn’t he have slept on it without taking it out of the plastic? High maintenance much? ;) Honestly though, if I found a stack of MATTRESSES delivered to my drama club kids saying “thanks for all your hard work”..I’d raise a fuckin’ eyebrow and question what they’d done to earn that. It’s sort of suggestive, is it not? Or do I just have a dirty mind?

haha. Something I’ve always loved about this moment when Sue overhears the mattress commercial at the tv studio is that moment where she thinks she just hears Rachel Berry near. Her reaction, and me always thinking “what would I do if I thought I heard Rachel Berry outside of the one place I’m forced to have to” always makes me laugh.

“oooohhhh, I got nuttin’ to say to you, preggo.”

They’re disqualified from Sectionals!!?? Oh no! Lol. This was before I knew what RIB was capable of. When I thought they’d go the honorable, legit route with this show. I was wracking my brain to figure out how they’d get out of this one. Oh how wrong I was.

“And what if I were to innocently murder you, William?”

“I’m sorry, but Glee club is over.” “It’s. OVER!” Dun dun dun!

“It’s like looking at a porno star in a nun’s habit.” re: pregnant Quinn in her Cheerios uniform. Amazing. 

Season tickets to Cedar Point!! Yay for accuracy, Glee!

Listen. Quinn has a lot of rage. She’s talking to Sue like she’d talk to Rachel or some other underclassmen ‘loser’.

Quinn just quit Cheerios sorta to be in Glee club instead. We’ll find out, but my memory is that she’ll start wishing she was back on that squad and complaining about it real soon. No?

Okay. HOW is Will disqualified for being paid for what he does…when he gets PAID to RUN the Glee Club? Makes noooo sense. He should be fine.

Charlie Chaplin Smile. Such a sad song. This montage is so good though. It’s one of those times Glee kinda moved me. I got choked up. And my heart dropped to see people defacing this photo when they’d all taken a step forward and were so proud. This is hard to watch right now with Glee Graduation mere days ahead. :(

Also, I miiiight still listen to this song when I’m having a hard day to try to turn it around. Good song.

Aw, Karofsky figured out how to spell loser. Good for him.

Okay, so I’m pausing this to take a look at the comic brilliance of these cool kids defacing the picture. They gave Santana a pitchfork. No shit, Sherlock. They’ll all call her Satan in Glee soon enough. They gave Kirt a skirt and boobs. Cause he’s gay. Brilliant. :/ They gave Finn buck teeth. Matt got a fro (RACIST!). Puck got devil horns. Mercedes got…a cigar? No, giant buck teeth and…a lollipop? They drew a happy face on Tina (? The fuck?). Nothing to Mike Chang or Britany. Artie got devil horns and a mustache. Rachel got a pitchfork. Quinn got..a giant Rabbi beard? They crossed out Rachel’s face and wrote ‘lame’ with an arrow pointing to her. This is the most UNcreative defacing ever. I’m disappointed. Be better bullies! Or funnier ones at least! SOLOS: Rachel (3), Finn (3), Mercedes (1) MERCEDES TAKES THE GLORY NOTE: 3rd time

[survivorinternational]

Episode 1 - "You are an evil psychopath... but I kinda dig it." - Veni

STEPHENS BACK 

I love love how these tribes are split up but I’m kind of nervous about playing with people I’ve played other things with before! There was only one person I didn’t already have added and that is Daniel. I’m just going to try to stay on everyone’s good side and maybe try to get close with everyone? I think that we are going to have a strong tribe so that’s a plus! 

Israel is not in Europe

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So since this is "International" I decided to call everyone in our tribe be either their home country or town. So Clash is Richmond. Vilma is Oulu. Ginger is Israel. Allan is Scotland. I have yet to talk to Latvia but they appear as a very busy person. So it's Day 2 right now and I have just woken up. Me and Oulu stayed up 'till 6 AM last night just talking and chilling. I really like her so I hope we can make it far. I also like Richmond because that is a cool name so we established a 3-person group. Richmond insists on repeating F3 every 5 minutes which is pretty scary but I'll just disregard it for now. I am enjoying the diversity of our cast, proud to be a European seeing as the other tribes are basically just Australia and just USA. Right now I'll try to put some work into this flag I guess since nobody has taken initiative.

So its off to a relatively good start, I’ve talked with 3 other tribe members and they seem pretty cool, i got a good rapport with Tyler and Jacob especially. They also had good input into the challenge to so, yay. The other to however haven’t spoken, and we can’t blame time zones cause their like, at most an hour seperate. Be careful Sluggyg and Dylan, we lose a challenge we’ll be looking at you. I’m not gonna pm them first though, trying not to come off too needy yet, I’ll give at least some pretense of not being absolutely bonkers. 

Good lookin. Nah jk. So I have to admit I was a late bloomer in terms of speaking in the group chat and I conveniently missed the people I didn't know - Tyler, Dean. I have a history with Jacob and I know Michael from a previous community so I have hit the ground running with the idea of sticking together but nothings too solidified yet so hopefully in a bit I'll find myself in a majority! The only thing Stephen said to me so far is "heyo" and "ya I teach english", so.. 

Ok so Hi. I hate u all why am i here. Im nervous cause im out here trying not ti be the first boot and have to have my dog comfort me while i cry to sleep. Literally shaking in slides. Everyones a bit of a hoot, all male tribe! Wowee. Just going be pals with all these kiddies. Although the flag they made is literal trash, ill be nice :) 

hey boys time for my first confession that will be longer than it should be and not entertaining in the slightest so the cast reveal was interesting! i wasn’t expecting many familiar faces at all, maybe like one or two people i sort of know of. but when i saw ruthie and randy, i was honestly relieved. ruthie and i have always been good allies together in games and i love her a lot. she’s loyal and funny and smart. just overall wonderful person to play with and i’m really happy to have her here. also, seeing randy was so good too. honestly i know he has a ~rEp~ for being not the greatest, but i don’t particularly care. i feel like we’re going to get along really well in this game. the only thing that annoys me is that him talking to me at first was all like, “oh emily you’re so a good player i love you please don’t vote me out get me to merge xo” like he was purposefully inflating my ego because....... people generally think i have a big ego. and a year ago, yeah i definitely did. that’s why i lost both of my last two main season games. my ego got in the way and i got too confident, too cutthroat, too rude, too self absorbed. and so much has happened in my life, i’ve been taken down a few notches and the last thing i want is for people to think i’m a narcissist. i’ve worked on myself a lot and it’s just sad to see people treating me like this like they think it’ll guarantee me wanting to work with them. sigh. anyway, continuing with the other people: my skype app will NOT give me notifications when daniel or patrick send me messages and it’s frustrating me high key because they’ll respond two minutes after i send a message and i won’t see it for hours, even if i check the chat. new skype is ruining my social game yeah! but in general pat and daniel seem cool. only person i’m weary of is liana! i didn’t realize at first, but she’s married to chips who....... hates me LMAO! i’ve never played a game with her so here’s to hoping she doesn’t have an idea of me in her head already. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ other tribe comments: i saw vilma in a game for the first time like well over a year ago and was like i am in LOVE with her and i want to MARRY her. she’s so pretty and seems so funny and when we’re on the same tribe we WILL be best friends and if we’re not i’m THROWING HANDS!!! it has to happen. has to! i don’t think i recognizes literally anyone else? everyone is pretty much unfamiliar to me. so how i’m feeling right now: randy is really good at making flags! and confident that we’ll pull through with reward tbh. like he’s very talented. i’m gonna put together a makeshift flag too just in case it’s ugly and also to show that i’m active and here and contributing, but i doubt it’s going to be bad. and also it’s only reward! if we don’t win, i don’t mind it that much. my fear is that we end up going to tribal the first round! i don’t know how strong this tribe is in terms of challenges. i don’t know anything about liana, daniel, or patrick. i don’t remember anything about randy or ruthie when it comes to challenges either. so we’ll have to see! daniel told me he played on discord so he’s probably used to more text based challenges or flash games, which is very helpful because i’m bad at both. but from my experience, typical tumblr challenges are far different from typical discord challenges. yeah. also, randy and i shared our idol guesses and both found nothing. i went around camp -> shelter -> on top -> nothing and he went around camp -> treemail -> (uhhh something i already forgot lol) -> nothing. i’m gonna share mine with him every round as like a trust thing. idk if he’ll tell me the truth but i’ll tell him the truth! idc honestly! :p okay end of this long confession i hope you had fun reading if you read this far give me an idol clue xoxo emily (dennis remember in mongolia when i told you the exile idol was under a girl’s name) (i’m sorry) 

So the reward challenge is a flag making challenge. I hate a lot of the things, but I am taking a step back since I have been told I can be controlling in the tribe stages when it comes to challenges. So I want to see how well the tribe performs without me stepping in. 

Day one thoughs: Yes!!! A tribe full of people with similar time zones. Jacob and Sluggy are here, nice. UHC alliance has already been suggested... not sure how to feel. Talked to all other tribe members. Everyone seems nice... dont quite trust Tyler yet... seems shifty Reward challenge: Not a fan of original design. Spent a bit of time working on another design... which i had more time to make it better. Seems to be good enough, will see what tribe says. Idol search round one: nothing

me: so yeah just send me your image so I can do all the work and make the flag everyone: (by the way these confessionals will be over the top and not express my true true  feelings, i.e. I'm exaggerating everything)

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The plan is to kill people with kindness! I really don't plan on winning but i'd love to if I am able to. I just hope I stay long enough to talk to most. My two closest friends are Richmond and Oulu. Oulu is super nice and we talk often so that is cool ----------

Oh lord I am actually exuding so much time in this survivor good thing it is summer geez 

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Ginger spoiled 2 survivor seasons in the same message I am crying :(

So i finally got to talk to everyone on the tribe. Tyler seems rlly friendly and talkative which kinda draws me towards him. Stephen is more analytical and observant... Dean is just the passive, looks on and watches kinda guy. Both Stephen and Dean want to be or are writers so. One thing great about working with Stephen would be someone people target as a strategic threat instead of me - but I don't know if I'll be able to work well with him atm... 

Okay I was gonna wait until after the immunity challenge to do my first confessional but I am DYING. So Veni is making our flag (which honestly I'm not too sure about but I'm awful at art so I can't really say anything) and he asks for pictures to use in it. So I send him a picture of me sitting on a throne, which I took at a bar near me. and this bitch..... Goes "It's like ghetto Game of Thrones, I love it!" BITCH!? Ghetto? Honestly this guy needs to take it down a notch because he's trying way too hard to take control of the reward challenge and is being super bossy and I think people aren't gonna take that for much longer. 

As for the first day of this season I’m loving it so far. Loving the activity and positivity in our tribe and people here are very friendly. Already have started conversation with Clash, Vilma and Ginger. Trying to develop early relationships that will be necessary for the rest of the game. Just need to show activity in tribe chat so my tribe mates not see me as an inactive player because inactive players are usually the first one out. 

So we won the reward challenge and we get a firemaking kit, and inside there's an immunity idol clue. Jacob and Stephen both get it, and Jacob told me it was hidden at the beach. I have no clue if he is lying or not, but if he isn't it means God was right to tell me yesterday that it is at the beach. Now i just need to be the first one to search the next time around. 

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So talking with Stephen, he seems to say the word "snazzy" a lot, so I've nocknemaed 

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Oops i didn't finish...I nicknamed him "snazzy Stephen". What's Snazzy Stephen gonna call snazzy today!?

So we won the reward challenge! Great. The morale seems fairly high amongst our tribe. I've had conversations with pretty much everyone in some way. No talk of strategy or alliances have begun, from what I'm aware. I hope we win this challenge, because I feel good about this tribe. 

I mean, can I not flop this first challenge ? I feel like this tribe is a very good mix of people, chemistry is there so now we just need not to be total failures ! hehe 

After all the bonding I love this tribe, Dean is a lot more reserved than the rest of the tribe and hasn't approached me yet, but everyone else has talked. I've got a nice alliance with Michael and Sluggy, as well as some trust with Tyler and Stephen. After Michael won us the firemaking challenge I found the idol clue. Once everyone has used their firemaking advantage, I'll decide who I share the clue with. So far I have told Sluggy and then Stephen got the clue. All Giraffes Deserve Kisses.

Usually I wouldn’t mind going to the first tribal, but with 6 people all it takes is one misstep to be the target, and I don’t want to risk that. That being said if it does come down to that i think Jacob, Tyler and I will stick together, all we need is one more than that. 

looking over the whole cast, I realised I know Dani & Sluggy from other survivors that's cool

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I got 30 point something seconds like 3 times I hate fairdyne

So basically I've talking quite a bit with Emily and Randy, they're great people. Overall people are super nice, it's awesome! The Ala Mai flag winning is bullshit though what kind of judges were those? I'd have been fine with Faatasi winning, that's a nice flag, but Ala Mai's was ugly af sorry bros 

So, Emily and I are working together to try to find the idol! Which is exciting, hopefully one of us will find it. If I do I’m pretty sure I’ll tell her because it will show that I trust her?!! I talk to her and Randy the most on our tribe and I really don’t know where I stand with everyone else

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i got a big fat 0 for the team but I’m glad our tribe won! Everyone else did great.  Hopefully no one points out how weak I was in the challenge. I’m going to savannah for the night tomorrow so I’m glad not to worry about tribal council while I’m out of town! Yay for not being the first boot!

ok see I am here to win but I got ginger on my tribe!! we love us a good ol rival so yeah even though he's acting fake and said he wants work with me I can't trust him with that I have built a good connection with Veni and Vilma and hope they will stay loyal as well. I am worried about the tribal as my score was bad but lets hope for the best 

Right. So we’ve just won the immunity challenge but all the rats on my team did well so it doesn’t give us an easy target for any upcoming tribals. I got some T from Michael letting me know that both Jacob and Dean found the clue to the hidden immunity idol and they told him but not me. First off rude considering I told Jacob I’d tell him if I found it. I’m in an uncomfortable situation already on this tribe, I feel like i don’t have as strong of connections as everyone else and it’s scaring me. All I need is two friends to guarantee my safety and it’s looking like those friends will be Michael and The kid from Singapore (don’t remember his name oops). This season feels different, I usually feel powerful but Rn I feel like I’m having to push to navigate my way into relationships with people. Also some of these guys on my drive give off the arrogant and cocky vibe and I hate it. 

Only one in my tribe to win a challenge, got the r/ultrahardcore alliance, everyone knows the idol clue because Michael got looser lips than Mia Khalifa.

I *think* we're voting Emils? I mean he's been the least active and from I've been told he has not talked to people much (including me) so. I hope it goes well. Usually I am pretty calm in the survivors I play but goddamn I am paranoid. Maybe since I am enjoying myself so much so I don't want to go yet? 

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Logically I won't be voted out here, right? I've talked to basically everyone a fair bit, I did the whole flag and I got 2/2 possible points. I'm safe.. right? 

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Here is veni's power rankings of the people in my tribe: 1. Oulu 2. Tel Aviv 3. Richmond 4. Allan 5. Emils 

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So I re-read my Fairy Survivor S2 stuff I wrote pre-game and goddamn if I am not a broken record. I am basically doing the same thing this time I love it lol. I do hope the experience I got in the year and a half between those has taught me valuable lessons. 

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Tel Aviv has really high gamesense and sense of strategy. We both discussed how important it is to have that one loyal person to win. I hope he implies I am his. For me it's Oulu I think

Okay so the first round is almost over. Thankfully my tribe was able to win immunity because I am not ready for tribal that's for sure! These small tribes freak me out. But...if we do end up going to tribal I am ready because I FOUND AN IDOL! I'm a little skeptical because it was way too easy and so I'm scared everyone has an idol but we shall see. I'm really terrible at games in the beginning because I hate awkward small talk so I was definitely scared of tribal. I'm not in any alliances yet but hopefully that is because it is still early. I'm trying to prove myself an asset and I was glad I did great at that shark game. It was very challenging to play because I had my baby smashing my keyboard or mouse and closing out of the game in the middle of playing, ahhaha. 

Day 2: Won Reward challenge!! WOOT!! All that effort wasn't for naught. The /r/ultrahardcore alliance was made between Sluggy, Jacob and myself... Im not sure how I feel about this. Immunity challenge announced, Flash games while I'm at work. FUCK FLAPPY BIRD I can do this Hextris and Shark game... I will submit one of these. Fire lighting challenge, I fail at striking a light. Sluggy and Jacob tell me that Jacob has an Idol Clue, it is apparently on the beach. Continue my chats with everyone. Dean also tells me about the Idol clue, either its on the beach and people trust me or there is an alliance that is fabricating stories. Work out everyone but Tyler knows about the clue so I tell him Gained Tyler's trust End day 2 Day 3: We win Immunity, YES!!! I spent the day continuing to build relationships. Mention to Jacob the Tyler doesnt think he likes him and to win Tyler's trust Jacob told Tyler about the clue, but it seems to only further distrust as he waited so long to tell him about it. This could have made Tyler distrust me more as well... Working with Jacob could be dangerous down the line. /r/UHC needs a 4th... Dean and Tyler's names are suggested. Trash talk hosts in tribe chat all day. Im worried my chattiness may put a target on my back, will need to be careful. End Day 3 

I’m loving my tribe and our female avatar presence. Whoever is rob Mariano I kind of want to vote out though. I’m super glad we won immunity and I don’t have to try super hard to be chatty. Loving the format so far 

HI I'M VILMA AND I'M VERY EXCITED TO PLAY I also suck at making confessionals because they take a lot of effort for my Finnish speaking ass so I like to just copy bits from my host chat, be prepared Right off the bat I was confused because I didn't get cast with anyone I would've played with before. I recognized a few familiar faces but most people I have no frame of reference for. This meant I couldn't rely on riding with any pre game relationships and I had to actually socialize with people. Thank god we didn't have a one world phase this time around so I only had to keep up with five other people! Clash playing hard right off the bat I specced his season so I know he was a big moves type of guy haha I wanna make sure I'm on his good side My tribe is very active But I'm Very Scared Of The Zwooper People They tend to be crazy And I'm not about that crazy life at all I CAN'T EVEN WITH VENI WHERE DOES HE GET ALL HIS JOKES FROM I LOVE HIM Alright I think Veni and I are the only ones left awake And He is my favorite I've talked to everyone except the Latvian guy or was he Lithuanian THE BALTIC GUY Ginger and Clash both seem like people I need to be wary of Power players for sure, and good socially And according to Clash they have bad blood from previous games So I can see them targetting each other if we go to tribal And Clash already made a three way alliance between myself him and Veni Which I'm okay with, as of now Veni I definitely want to work with And I prefer staying on good terms with Clash Allan I have neutral feelings towards, only talked to him a bit so far But I stan the Europe tribe I just can't keep up with multiple convos at once so it's been super confusing Already shared my idol guesses with Veni and Clash I think I'm the only girl on my tribe Not a big fan of that fact Really wanted to play with Emily I hope we both make it to a swap so I could meet her Chatting with these people I've started to realize how much I abuse caps lock and exclamation points It's a really bad habit Should probably tone it down, everyone must be thinking I'm screaming at them constantly I'm playing so different compared to how I usually play I usually never initiate convos And try to step up as little as possible While still being friendly with everyone But now I've been very social It's weird Feels like I'm harassing everyone ... Unfortunately, we lost the first immunity challenge ... YIKES I'M GOING TO BE THE FIRST BOOT CALLING IT NOW HOW TF DID THEY GET 6 MILLION I think Emils might be the target Which I'm okay with since he seems to only be online a bit in the evenings Everyone knows I hate losing challenges so I want active people He seems really nice though, but seems like everyone has talked to him the least Clash told me that him and Ginger have decided to leave their past behind so I guess they're not going to target each other just yet I'm glad he's telling me this though it makes me trust him a bit more But I'll still keep my eye on both of them _ Ok hi I'm checking in about an hour before tribal and as far as I know Emils should be going home tonight. It's been super quiet around camp though and it makes me feel paranoid, but I hope it'll be an easy first vote. Veni wants me to make a chat with him and Ginger so we could solidify we make it through next round if we end up having to go to tribal again. My issue is I think Clash and Ginger are closer than they seem and I'm scared if we made a chat without Clash and he found out about it he could become angry. That's why i'd rather it to be a four-way chat between me, Veni, Clash and Ginger but we shall see what happens in the next few hours I guess.

Okay that went perfectly. Ngl when Ginger was like "someone doesn't know it's them tonight" I FREAKED. Then my name gets written down at tribal and I was like ????. I mean luckily it wasn't me but god that was scary. I really hope we win this next immunity I can't deal with that stress rn lmao. I also have no clue who I'd vote out. Also in other news, Chase is cute af! I'm gonna be so embarrassed when he leaves and is able to read this but it's true. I definitely wanna keep him around for a bit lmao. 

jesus christ ginger you are an evil psychopath.. but I kinda dig it

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also I am mostly done with location based names.. for now

[ts-caymanislands]

Ahrre’s Jury Question

Alright hello lads and congrats on making it til the end. I'm bad with introductions so let's jump in.

First off thank you both for having good speeches and not the usual parade of fancy words with all the substance of a water soup or the "I was this omnipresent being literally jesus and masterminded the game" kinda overselling bs.

Also thank you for not talking the goat to the end, idk if it was the best move but at least it makes for a fun FTC and an adequate ending to what I see as a pretty good season.

Now Daniel I'll start with you since I read your speech first.

To start with I respect how willing you were to work with anyone, including TJ who from what I heard used to be some rocky stuff between you two before the game. This willingness also shows in you decision to flip on the bois and I think it was the correct one given your position since you weren't in a winning position within it. However that raises my first question.

Doesn't it say something about your game being weaker if at that point Vilma and I had bigger chances of winning over you? When we all had the same opportunities to play the game? In other words why were you at the bottom in terms of "winning merit" in that alliance instead of at the top and how is that not a bad thing?

Secondly you did mention you had Nick giving you a heads up during the Elsa vote as to what was going to happen, does this mean you: A. Knew the vote wasn't gonna go your way and decided to just sit there and watch Elsa go, why? or B. You weren't actually told about everything that was going on. Or is there something else I'm missing?

Now the here's the main weak point I see in you as a player, and that is that you're simply a bad liar or at least you were during this game, which in a game about deception you would think it's a pretty big deal.

Starting with the Nolan vote for some reason you made the decision to not show up in the bois alliance chat during the entirety of that week, did you honestly expected that something like that wouldn't raise a flag? Truth is it was obvious you were flipping which is bad if you're trying to blindside someone I would say....The only reason why I didn't do anything about it like tell Nolan or something is bc I wanted him out and was only voting Alex in case he played an idol. Maybe if you bothered to read the situation you would've realized that and spared yourself from having to awkwardly "leave someone in the dark" and no Vilma was not super close to Nolan, if you payed attention to what was going on it was pretty easy to tell she wouldn't throw the alliance under the bus just for him. So that's no excuse for not bothering.

Now this leads us the most unnecessary and mind baffling part where you told Vilma you had screenshots of Nolan throwing your and my name around. Which was not only not true but screenshots were also against the rules and your blunder got tribal delayed lol

AND THEN you told me you never talked to her about voting Nolan. Fully knowing she was probably the one that let me know and we were close so it would be your word against hers.

And yet you did it basically killing your chances of ever being seen as trustworthy against.

Why? Lmao, like what even was the benefit of such an insignificant lie?

Then when you said you were voting Alex at F7 when it was obvious no one in his right mind would do that considering all the threats that were around, like you weren't even trying.

And then you basically did it again with Bryce too at F6 never messaging anyone and simply saying alex when asked (and no being in the mountains is no excuse, plus you did the same the past two votes) and all this lack of care or knowledge about how to lie almost got you voted out and can still cost you the game.

So my final question for you is why such a shitshow in that regard?

Alright so now with Nick

Honestly I can't say as much about your game since after we swapped for the first time we weren't on the same side. But I think it was that time we were apart is what set us up against each other come merge, since none of our allies really overlapped plus it had been a while since we were last together

And this is why I find the lack of premerge goods on your speech disturbing. So you said you had alliances with everyone else outside of the bois when merge hit.

So tell me how did each of those alliances came to be, when and who was in each?

Back to the merge I do believe however I made an effort to reconnect, maybe not the biggest but communication is a two way street bud plus at least I have the excuse of playing two other orgs at the same time.

Additionally TJ did connect with me better witch really makes you wonder why that was the case with him as opposed to you.

So now you tell me your theory, why do you think that was?

Additionally I want to ask you, Did you knew about the split vote idea during the Elsa vote? How?

Anyhow some flips and flops later and it's F6

So ofc the idea to split votes  between me and someone else is the way to go. Yet for some goddamn reason I cannot wrap my head around you decided the other half of the votes were gonna go Bryce's way who was your ally, forcing him to play his idol.

So why on Earth didn't you make the split between me and Daniel instead of me and Bryce?

Since if I was Bryce I would be like excuse me what the fuck and you're costing yourself an idol that can come in handy next vote and most importantly Bryce's potential loyalty. Hell you said at F3 either guy was taking you to the end but I'm not so sure Bryce would've.

Which leads me to my final question:

Between Daniel and Bryce who would've you taken of you had won that final immunity?

Anyhow Nick and Daniel, that's gonna be it for me sorry if I made this a bit too long but oh well that's what she said? Looking forward to your answers and good luck!

First off yes, like you said yes you and Vilma were bigger threats. In my opinion this was due to the fact you were did have more of a driving force pre-merge, which I explained that I wanted. I never wanted an early target painted on my back once merge hit from all of the premerge business, so I let you and her take the credit. I feel like I was one of the driving forces come merge, but if I would have been premerge as well, my fate would have ended up exactly like yours. So this was an actual strategy not me lacking skills.

Now about the elsa vote, yes nick did tell me he thought that I wasn’t getting any votes. Then I went to you in pms hinting that nick said the votes were swinging towards Elsa on their side. Also, I didn’t want to get blamed for leaking nicks words and have blowback in later rounds from someone like nick or tj Bc I foresaw needing to work with them.

Ok yes, I know what happened at with the Nolan vote was messy, let me clear it up. So yes, I had planned on flipping this round.

Screenshots: Ok so, yes I did tell vilma I got screenshots from nick. I admit, I kind of exaggerated, BUT I wanted to get my point across and I didn’t realize screenshots were not acceptable. SO, nick actually did come to me saying nolan was throwing out your and my name. Additionally, he said he’d provide  “proof” if I needed it. I never meant to lie about the part where nolan said certain things because I honestly believed them to be true and had a lot of evidence to support it, it didn’t come out of thin air. I went a little to far with the “screenshot” part to get my point across but he did offer me proof.

Ok I think there is confusion about me going to vilma. I did NOT go to her telling her about the Nolan vote until two minutes before day change when votes were about to be read because I knew nothing could change that quickly and wanted give her a heads up. I never went to her to try and flip her, just to let her know. When I told you I messaged her at tribal I meant that it was literally so close to tribal it had no effect on the game. I knew you and her were close, so why would I have reason to lie?

And yes I never messaged in that alliance. I felt like if I chose to be fake and tell an outright it would totally cut all connections. So I thought it better to not say anything and give an explanation after. Yes, you could have gone to nolan, but with him not being in the alliance and playing both sides I thought there was a high probability against it. I get that this is a game of lying, but some lies are unnecessary and I didn’t feel like I needed to. So between those three things I never meant for them to be major lies and have it appear as such a shitshow.

At final 7, yeah that was a little messy. I knew you had lost all trust in me after all of that. I just threw out Alex because I knew he was an easy target and no one could really throw me under the bus when using a name like that. If I had said tj, then that could have been used against me and forced them to lose trust in me.

I never meant for that shitshow to happen and truly believe it was a major misunderstanding, and some poor explaining on my end. I truthfully thought some of those things weren’t lies, beyyou are right, it would make absolutely no sense for me to do that. 

At final 6, I understand if you don’t believe me, but I truly had no cell service. I have pictures of me trying to message my host chat without service and of all the animals i saw including bear, deer, and coyotes. I hope this clears everything up

I read your question once through, but it’s a lot. So I’m gonna go over it again and respond to each thing in order. So sorry if it feels a bit all over the place.

1) So premerge we obviously had our Lagarto alliance. During this time, I really built strong relationships with Daniel and Bryce. I knew Daniel from outside of this game so I came in knowing I wanted to work with him. But we had actually never played together before so I still had to feel it out and make it clear to him that I REALLY wanted to play the game. Me and Bryce also just hit it off really well. I found him extremely funny and enjoyable and really worked to build that bond up socially. BUT then we swapped. And the only person I was the same from Lagarto was Kailyn…. (who was pretty much inactive). HOWEVER, I ended up bonding with Nolan and TJ extraordinarily well. Nolan was obviously very smart and into the game and I just loved his attitude. Then, TJ and I simply just think the same way with everything. Me and TJ actually made an alliance with Jacob and then later, Nolan asked us for an alliance and we created one with us 3 and Kiler. Joey was also on this tribe, partially on the outs, but I got good vibes from him so I also kept him informed on the votes and my alliances made sure he voted with us. THEN we get yet another tribe swap. And this time, Daniel and Kiler chose to bring me and TJ to their tribe (on Pirata). Clearly they BOTH thought they could trust my vote and they both thought I was an asset to their game. But this also prevented me from meeting new people.

So, When we merged, the alliance between me/Kiler/TJ/Nolan stayed in tact and because we worked well with Joey and because the others worked well with Lexi during their swaps with her, we  all came together to create a group of 6 (and ended up voting out Elsa). YET, outside of this 6, my early bonds with Daniel and Bryce held up, and they told me what was going on outside of my group. To the point where as soon as we merged Bryce told me that you/Vilma/Daniel/Elsa had a group as well. And so not only did I come into merge being close with TJ, Daniel, Bryce, Joey, Nolan, and Kiler, I ended up in an alliance with Lexi (someone I didn’t talk to before merge due to us not being on the same tribe), and my alliance instantly decided to target Elsa someone else I didn’t talk to.

And if all of that is hard to believe, Look at the first competition in which, I made it to the final 2 in a competition where everyone was able to take out someone they didn’t want to win.

2) You’re right. looking back at our messages, we did actually attempt to reconnect with each other so I apologize for that. I feel like our lack of communication later in the game made me feel like there wasn’t much at merge. But I do think we both gave it a shot. But because I knew about your alliance, knew you were a duo with Vilma, knew you and Vilma were AMAZING at competitions, and simply had other allies, it was hard to think that we’d ever work together. Like, we did attempt to talk about votes early on too. But I knew you were bullshitting me the whole time and that made it so much harder to trust you. For example, I DID know about the Split vote plan to save Elsa and get rid of Joey because Bryce told me about it. So while I continued to be real with you and let you know I was voting Elsa, you kept telling me lies and so I knew you weren’t actually trying to work with me. You were just trying to get your vote through. So after a few rounds of this, I knew that we were simply against each other.

And as you said TJ was able to connect more with you. But (1) he didn’t really have the same connections I had, so he needed to (i.e. he didn’t have Bryce and he thought Daniel was closer to me so he went for you instead). and (2) Because I knew everything you were doing (since Bryce let me in on it), I knew that it’d be VERY unlikely I’d have your vote and instead relied on keeping Daniel’s and Bryce’s instead.

3) Like you said, splitting was obvious. But who do I split it on? Bryce is super loyal to me. Daniel’s loyal to me. TJ is loyal to me. So with all those allies, the only 2 people I want to leave are you and Kiler.

But at this point in the game, Daniel and TJ did not have much trust in Bryce. They both consistently questioned if we had his vote, and when F6 started, Kiler was pushing to vote out Bryce. So… if you look at it from Tj and Daniel’s perspective, you’ll see that they think we have 3 votes and just need a 4th to split it. They don’t trust Bryce (since Bryce actually lied to Daniel about voting Vilma and TJ and Bryce just didn’t talk much) and comparatively Bryce was OBVIOUSLY a bigger target than Alex ever was. So for them, knowing Alex wanted to vote Bryce anyways, they thought they for sure they had 4 votes and that we would be getting either the biggest threat, you, OR the second biggest threat, Bryce out that round (outside of ourselves, ofc)

Thus, when I finally convinced them to split in general (because you were claiming you were randomizing your vote, weren’t talking to me despite needing votes, and being very vague with Bryce and Daniel from what I heard so I couldn’t split it with you), I was assigned to vote you and not Bryce. So if I were to say ANYTHING else, they’d definitely question my loyalty and realize just how close me and Bryce were.

Since I knew that Bryce had the idol, I had no reason to risk them questioning my loyalty. Instead, I told Bryce they were after him. I explained that they assigned me vote you so unless he was certain he had you (which he never was), I couldn’t do anything to help him avoid a tie.

Additionally, I had an idol and assumed TJ wouldn’t vote me at final 5 anyways. So I knew that I needed to at least try to get you out (even if you did tell Bryce you were voting with him). Why? Well, you easily could’ve won your way to the end. BUT I also knew that I could use the idol to save me AND Bryce the next round. If you and Kiler decided to vote me, we knew TJ likely wouldn’t. So I could Idol myself and me and Bryce could just vote out one of you guys (since our 2 votes beats TJ’s one). OR if you, TJ, and Kiler wanted to vote Bryce, we could use the idol on Bryce, and me and him could vote out someone else there as well. So either way, we were both likely safe.

And since Bryce gave me the idol, I think he truly understood all of that (and since we didn’t know what you were doing, he never had a reason to question my loyalty since me flipping my vote didn’t help him any)

4). Honestly, going into it I wasn’t sure who I’d take. Bryce was easily my closest ally throughout the whole game. But I also knew that Daniel would never have voted me out because we knew each other outside of the game. So either way, I was gonna be a massive dick to someone. I honestly believed I had a chance to beat either. They both flipped at the same time and they both voted with me each round. When Daniel flipped he legitimately asked for you and/or Vilma to make Final 5. And I purposely took out you and Vilma because of that (and because you guys were threats in general). So, I knew I was had more control over the game than he did (and always knew more than he did because with the information me and Bryce shared with each other, no on win the game was able to do anything against us without the other one finding out). I also had MUCH closer connections than he did with people. Because TJ, Bryce, Kiler were all willing to get rid of him at any point. While, TJ and Bryce were not willing to get rid of me. On the other hand, Bryce literally gave me an idol and voted with Daniel and TJ even though they didn’t trust him. Due to his trust with me, he literally put himself in a position where people wanted him out (i.e. F7 and F6). So I think without me convincing Daniel and TJ to vote out Vilma and you instead (or me warning Bryce to use the idol), he would have been in massive trouble.

Long story short, I wasn’t sure. I knew Daniel personally outside of the game, and was in another Org with Bryce (where I could win $100). So, I can’t tell you I knew exactly what I was gonna do since I was never put into that position. But, I think I would’ve brought Daniel. Because I knew that he didn’t really have that much control over the votes, that I literally created his worst nightmare at F5 (i.e. him not having a shield), and because I think Bryce had better connections with the jurors that I wasn’t really ever close to (i.e. You, Vilma, Elsa) so it was more likely for Bryce to get those votes than Daniel