#oh yeah i am also trying to work on things with my bf i thought it was over but it wasn't we were just close to ending it :///

[flowerygn]

.

[secriden]

an introduction to daouoffroad: a record (mostly for me)

so, the lovely @luthienmpl was very kind and gave me a daouoffroad starter pack so i'm gonna learn about them!

i adore finding out about something this way because it's like someone shared their love of The Thing with me! how lovely! how lucky to catch a glimpse of how much joy The Thing gives someone else!!

this is literally just random stream of consciousness thoughts as i watch the videos so i'll spare anyone who isn't interested and put it under a cut.

oh my god they met as contestants on a survival boyband show wtf!? what kind of fanfic kdrama au start is this already!?

ok damn but daou's runs tho :O <3

nooooooo offroad is crying and thanking daou for his support how dARE YOU TOY WITH MY HEART LIKE THIS!? ;A;

ohmygosh is that the actress who plays P'Joy in LITA??? <3

fuck, the pressing the face into the tummy of the one standing thing. why is that so cute. ugh D:<

waitwaitWAIT is that a thing? do directors just... write stories/shows for couples who have good chemistry whatttt?? is this like a thai ent industry staple? (oh i guess mame kind of did that with fortpeat/mutrak) that's so funny omg. xDDD

laz1 is so kpop styled :O and i must add Last Kiss to my playlist imMEDIATELY its such a pretty song?? <3333

thiS BRIDGE i AM FEELING IT!?!?! DAOU WHAT IS THAT RIFF!?!??! HOLY SHIT THAT WAS SUCH A SMOOTH TRANSITION UP TO THE HIGH NOTE!? *O* <3

(was daou already an established singer before or something?? boy has pIPES!)

*faintly* d-did he try to... bite... the cat's... paw??

/SCREAMS nO THE HARMONIES yeah ok i'm a fan weLP THA TWAS QUICK

(i'm such a sucker for vocal line groups ugh dammit TwT)

wait, enlistment?? huh i did not know thailand also did that... is it the same as skorea?

oh-- oh my god he sent flowers? through his sister?? *whispers* that's so sweet ;u;

goodness, offroad literally running and jumping into daou's arms while daou is still in military fatigues-- guys this is either zero attempt at being subtle or the best cp marketing i've seen in my life wow

awww did offroad bring his graduation gown to the event just so he could get pics with daou?? that's so cute! ;A;

okAY SIR?? SIR NO the sleeping right pressed up to offroad as he pretends to snore but like daou is just paSSED OUT HALF ON TOP OF HIm NO SIR NO I CANNOT HANDLE THIS NOPE BYE

(the cut right as daou reaches up to shut offroad up had me cracking up tho, they've got a wicked sense of humour i really like them)

ahahahah the members playing along is really cute!! poor daou has to be relegated to the "jealous bf" -- this is SO interesting to watch coming out of old kpop fandom and kpop skinship to this xD like... i am enLIGHTEND *O*

*cries* what is this... poolside actual love confession proposal with rings and pLANNING to commemorate their.. working.. relationship!?!? i'm??? they are so LOUD wtf-- i'm not... used to this... !?! *incoherent noises*

sidebar: i'm struggling to get a handle on their honorifics... are they phi/nong? but sometimes dauo sounds like he's using mueng/guu when he addresses offroad directly?

ljsdfjsLfj THE FACE. IN THE TUMMY. ITS BACK <3

OH FUCK OFFROAD WITH THE ASH HAIR. *O* YEAH YEAH OKOKOK i'M NORMAL ABOUT THIS!!!!

oh oh NO did daou just push offroad to the inside of the road so he's on the outside like that's--t hat's so boyfriend coded wtf

bahahaHAHAH is offroad going on about the bracelet because now daou *has* to buy one for him? xD what a smart cookie. xDDD

wAIT DID IT WORK!? PAHAHA--

other thoughts:

pentor looks SO FAMILIAR and i can't figure out why??? ;A; is he in something else?? i'm so confused but i think i love him already WHAT AN ADORABLE DIMPLED BOI *O*

i know you included the Whats The Matter? MV but I'm sorry I'm going to live in Last Kiss for like the next 5 days especially thAT BRIDGE WTF <3

the acoustic/live version is so PRETTY omg ;A; that 3 part harmony in the first chorus *chefs kiss*

sOMEONE is doing like a really high harmony in the pre-chorus and its so thin and wispy and pRETTY ahhh <3

although also ngl i think daou needs maybe some more vocal training he sounds quite strained sometimes... and he's got a lot of tension in his throat but good GOD his range!! he's SO talented wtf; ALSO their youngest member has SUCH a nice tone UGH <33333

their 2 shows:

ok love in translation actually sounds like exactly my cup of tea hahahah it looks so cute <3 and potentially heartbreaking but like not TOO heartbreaking

century of love... yeah ok i'm gonna put that on my list of things to get to when i'm in the right headspace for that kind of angst but what an interesting concept!! its like comphet, the series. xD

wait both their shows are comphet the series? xDDDD they just swapped who was suffering from it.

hoboy they are SO LOUD already from the beginning wtf

(sidenote but I would KILL for fortpeat to go on something like this cAN YOU IMAGINE the sHINANIGANS!! peat being so happy at all the food. fort's teasing. ugh. where can i start a petition ya'll)

the heIGHT DIFFERENCE am i'm feeling some type of way about it, yes yes i am

bAHAHAH the mandatory piggyback ride that they actually just SAY is boyfriend material i'm-- i'm not use do this lack of wink wink nudge nudge skinship approach in my boyband duos like?? *confused noises pt 2*

oh oh my gosh they have auntie fans too??? how adorableeeee!!!?! damn offroad sounds so soft in southern dialect idk whats going on my ears are blessed *u* <3

I don't know why but daou's "Try traditional snack!" made me crack up xDDDD

i have just realised what a mistake it was to start this on an empty stomach T___T that all looks SO GOOD wtf

lol that poor lady with the corgi's just wanted to go on her way and she got way-landed by these insane boys xDD

wft the nUZZING INTO THE NECK THING. IT S STILL. SO MUCH. IHAVE FEELIGNS ABOUT THIS MOMENT Tu T <3

guYS-- GUYS you said you both paid half... so you don't... you don't still need to do the cheek kisse-- oh nevermind you did them already ok then

i mean ok but for real tho the amount of times offroad just cracks up at somethign random daou does is genuinely really sweet?? like they seem to really have this wavelength that is just their own *u*

[silentstyx]

"Three Lectures Behind and There's This Guy" ~ Lip Gallagher x Reader

tw! sexual references (it's shameless dawg...)

sum! "We got assigned as dorm roommates and I had such a crush on you last year and you don't even know who I am." (i lit found this on the ai fanfic trope so it'll be a little diff)

i rly wanted to write for my mans (do NOT tell my bf abt this one guys 😖) I'm js taking a break from only writing mbav for a sec ☝️🤓

Oh my god. This man. He was so hot. And rumor's say he's good in bed too?! You were freaking out just as much when you found out he was going to be your sorority house boy.

You saw him cooking one day and went absolutely feral. He was also the bartender at parties. Pouring drinks into peoples mouth straight from the bottles...

You noticed he wasn't there the next day after one of the parties. Or the day after that. Or the day after that? Then, never again. You later heard that he gotten kicked out of college. You never exactly found out why, there were rumors of course. Except, you never found out the exact reason.

Well you saw him when visiting Chicago, you were looking for cheap restaurants online nearby and patsy's diner was the first thing online. Only about a mile and a half away. You walk over there with some friends you were with, when you finally got there you saw the boy from your sorority house sitting at a table with a bunch of older looking guys.

Your whole friend group recognized him immediately and started freaking about how to ask him out. You rolled your eyes, tired of their banter. But also internally jealous of them potentially dating the guy you've had your eye on for practically forever.

You get sat at a table with everyone, you had the best angle of him from where you were sitting. Although you weren't going to stare at him the whole time. You all ordered the drinks you want, while you were searching the menu you saw that Lip got up. Our whole table complained, jokingly, but you saw he went in the kitchen.

I guess he works there?

The waitress came back and took your orders as well as your menus. A little while later, after your food came back, you got a sudden urge of confidence. You decided to finally talk to him.

You go up to the bar and ask to talk to Lip. The woman goes into the back to talk to him, as well as grabbing orders while she's back. He comes out, looking for a girl that would be looking for him that looks familiar.

"Uh, Lip?" You say, grabbing his attention. His brows furrowed but he has a smirk.

"You're that uh chick from college? In the sorority house?" He said, skeptically. Almost as if he wasn't completely sure.

"Yeah, you were our house boy. Uhm, i recognized you sitting at the table and I wanted to say hi." You try to explain.

He just nods his head with a small, interested, smile on his face.

"Okay, so I have a confession. When you got put in our house I had such a crush on you and you don't even know my name." You said, somewhat embarrassed.

He looks down, smirking, then looking right back up at you. Whispering back, "I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a few late night thoughts about you. But, uh, your name's *y/n* isn't it?"

You nod, smiling, "yep, thats me. So you're working here now?"

He licks his bottom lip, "Yeah, dishwasher. Sister is the manager, she's in charge of everyone."

You nod, showing him that you understand.

"So you wanna hang out sometime?" You ask him.

He looks at you, his devilish smile, "hang out or... go out?"

"Both?" your tone sounds more like a question now.

He snickers, agreeing to go out. You give him your phone and he puts his number in it. He then explains that he's gotta get back to work, you nod telling him you have to get to your table.

You go back to your table, they saw everything that had just happened. As soon as you sat down you were bombarded with questions. Some you answered, some you didn't. Except now, you don't have to worry about them getting the guy you want.

[watarfallar]

Who's everyone's favourite team-up this season? Anyways, have more incorrect quotes in preparation for the chaos in session 3 tomorrow!

Cleo, singing: He's making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's on thin fucking ice Scott, also singing: Santa Claus is calling you out!

Lizzie: Yeah I'm LGBT. Lizzie: cuLt leader. Lizzie: God hates me personally. Lizzie: cowBoy hat. Lizzie: *sniffles* Trying my best.

Etho: Aren’t you going to say “have a nice day?” Bdubs: I don’t care if you have a pulse, much less a nice day.

Ren: What's worse than a heartbreak? Joel: Waking up in the morning and your phone wasn't charging. Skizz: Waking up in the morning. BigB: Waking up.

Joel: That's not funny. Lizzie: I thought it was funny. Joel: You don't count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook.

Gem: Play to your strengths. Impulse: I haven’t got any!

Scott: You know, Pearl, when you generalize, you tell general... lies. Pearl: ... Pearl: Are you trying to teach me moral lessons through puns.

Mumbo: You're not my friend anymore. BigB: I was your friend?

Pearl: I haven't seen Gem and Tango for fifteen minutes now. *Outside a nearby window, a car without a driver inside is seen rolling down a driveway, with Gem and Tango running after it in a panic. Pearl doesn't look outside at all.* Pearl: That probably means they're getting into trouble.

Cleo: Would it be discrimination to only hire employees at my doughnut shop who have the same name? Ren: Legally, I don't believe that breaches any discrimination laws. Morally though... I don't know. Cleo: I believe god is on my side when it comes to Duncans' Doughnuts.

Cleo: I want a bf. Scott: Do you mean best friend, boyfriend or bread feast? Because you’re being really vague here.

Mumbo: You either buckle down and do your work or you’ll end up at McDonalds. Skizz: We're going to McDonalds if I don't do my work? Mumbo: NO-

Jimmy: It is 6:09 . Jimmy: I am wondering why I’m still alive. Jimmy: Send Wendy’s. Scott: The whole restaurant?!

Grian: What is this!? Etho: That’s the weight of guilt. Give in to the nice side. Help those unfortunate, and make the guilt go away, my friend. Grian: Ow! Make it stop! Etho: Surrender to your kindness, Grian. It’s nice to be nice. Grian: Your guilt is strong, my friend. But it is no match for the power of my selfishness!

Cleo, to Joel: Are you peanuts? Because I want to boil you alive.

Scar: If I didn't know better, Grian, I'd say you were scared. Grian: Heh, scared? *absolute silence* Grian: DID YOU HEAR THAT?!

Grian: What are you up to today? Mumbo: Nothing. Grian: But you did that yesterday! Mumbo:I wasn’t finished.

Scott: Why aren't there friend pick up lines? Pick up lines to make friends like- Scott, to Pearl: Hey, that's a cute outfit. You know where it would look better? On nobody else, because you're a beautiful individual. Ren, to Impulse: Be my friend or I'll set your entire family on fire. Scar: There are two types of people.

BigB: FUCK THE CHAIR. PARDON ME FOR MAKING MYSELF COMFORTABLE DURING A SINCERE HEART TO HEART DISCUSSION WITH A DEAR FRIEND IN NEED! BigB: BUT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO CEASE STRADDLING THIS DEEPLY OFFENSIVE PIECE OF FURNITURE! AWAY WITH YE, FOUR LEGGED TEMPTRESS! DISTRACT US NO MORE WITH THE MOST BASIC AND UTILITARIAN FORM OF COMFORT YOU SUPPLY! Cleo: BigB just threw a tantrum about a chair. Cleo: I just won BigB Tantrum Bingo.

Jimmy, gardening: Hey, can you bring me the hoe? Ren: Yeah, sure. *A few minutes later* Ren: Here you go. Jimmy: Ren: Joel: Why am I here?

Jimmy: What are the hardest things to say? Grian: I was wrong. Martyn: I need help. Skizz: Worcestershire sauce.

Scar: Last night I found out Bdubs is a sleep talker. Cleo: Oh, really? Scar: "The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell." Right. In. My. Ear. At 3am.

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hello again from the crunchy fishstick! Based on your latest tapas comic update, guess you had a fun Halloween ^^ "sexually anorexic" sounds both confusing and funny lols

I dressed up for the day myself...went out as "a maid from the 23rd century" and got a few compliments--but it wasn't until after I already got home and changed out of it that I realized maids are apparently not just a fun cosplay choice but also something sexualish?? :') oh, the woes of accidentally doing something that might be seen that way to others without realizing it.....I sincerely hope nobody who saw me thought anything sexual (I just liked wearing a skirt and being cute for onceeee)

I've been "out" as aroflux/arospec to some (online) friends already and thankfully I didn't find out any of them were aphobes. (yay!) A few didn't really get it even after my short explanation but oh well--kinda tough with non-queers sometimes but they're cool otherwise. Got the "so like a plant?" reply as a joke lol. One friend, one of my closest, had a hard time understanding how I could be an arospec and dating my bf so that was...something. Didn't get it when I was like "I just fluxxed into a demi phase" but eh. At least no one's an aphobe and no one laughed at me (with intent to make fun of me) for it!

The "you just haven't met the right person yet" hits hard though ngl...recently I tried to lightly hint and bring up that I'm arospec to my mom cause...yeah, I'm kinda tired of "be careful about dating" "don't start liking boys too early" and stuff like that. So to simplify it, I was like "I feel like I'm probably on the aro spectrum, a spectrum of people who just don't do romance like how lesbians don't like guys or gay guys don't like girls" (disclaimer: some things have to be REALLY simplified to boomer-minded people, sorry if that offends anyone or seems to exclude them or anything, it was just the best way I could think of to shorten it) and she thought for a moment before telling me "you just haven't met the right person yet".

I mean fair, I am still young and full of vinegar but still...I mean I did see it coming from her but I still said it (didn't really reply on that topic after though). Oh, to be pulled through a laundry machine of thoughts and having to wonder if you're really a legit aro or if you jinxed yourself again (there's a history...fun stories). Maybe eventually I'll reach the stage where I'll confidently think "yep, I'm arospec" on a regular basis like I did about my bisexuality...maybe it just takes time... Rough being a wishy-washy and indecisive sort of person who doesn't have the lines fully clear :sob:

If I want to be arospec and I feel like I identify with it (even if I get a little dysphoria of sorts sometimes), then that's enough to call myself one, right? Maybe that applies to more queer identities too...

Idk I'm just prattling on again sry, in between a few bad days and there's a sort of comfort in typing it all out anonymously like this... Thanks for existing mate, and uhhh the crunchy fish stick is signing off for now!

fjigkdf Sorry I'm replying sooooo late after Halloween TwT To be fair, the comic I shared on Webtoon/Tapas that day was from a previous Halloween, but watching horror movies around that time of the year with my partner is something we do every year, just from a distance, it's par for the course

I sympathize tho TwT I'm still puzzled to this day as to why a professional uniform was turned into something so sexualizable, I can try to reason it in my head as playing with taboos or power and maybe that's sexually exciting for people somehow but I have no idea how that reasoning works since I'm very much clueless about anything sex-related so... Yeah. It's an odd one to me for sure. Always will be I guess.

I'm really glad coming out to people has been a good experience for you overall!! That's honestly so fortunate when that happens TwT And I'm glad any potentially hurtful comment that some of us typically get was only shared as a joke, from a place of not understanding but willingness to understand, or with the exception of your mom, from what I get.

To be honest, it's a sad thing to accept, but I think sadly it's possible some people may expect you to eventually be "fixed" forever, even if you yourself know for a fact you'll never change and will repeat it endlessly. I'm out to all of my close family, living grandparents and parents' relatives, and I'm pretty sure at least one of them expect it to be that way still. I don't do much about it, since as hurtful as it can be, it's just some hopes they're projecting on me without seeing the real me, and yeah, it's kinda painful, but they can't control me with those hopes. Heck, I was mentally prepared for my parents to be like that with me. I'm incredibly fortunate that they're not and they accept me for what I am now (although somehow I think getting a queerplatonic partner really helped in the matter, the idea is probably much less scary to them than me not having a partner in any way, shape or form for some reason). But... Yeah. In my younger years it wasn't really shaping up like my parents would accept my orientation, and they are now, so there can still be hope. Whatever happens to you, I wish you the best either way.

And... YES, if you feel an orientation defines you well, then it IS enough to call yourself one. I only have my experience to go by but I feel it's extra hard for orientations like ours where they're so often stigmatised, invisibilised, perceived as a "phase" etc etc. What we may not get in demonization and hate, we get in being treated like something that doesn't exist at all. And that's tough for the confidence to affirm yourself in that orientation. But yes. If you feel it defines you, if you feel it describes who you are, then it IS enough to be right. Nobody has the right to make that ultimate call for you, but yourself.

...Welp, at least that's how I feel about it. As always I wish you the best moving forward, thank you for checking in, and sorry again for the late reply! TwT

[moodymisty]

no fear response, and more that it’s been turned nearly all of the way down.

I headcanon that it’s a similar situation with their feelings of romance or sex. That it’s not completely gone, but that it’s nullified just enough for them, under the right circumstances (a.k.a never truly interacting with baseline humans), to not feel those feelings ever. Because you can’t have your killing machines questioning their loyalty and running off with some mortal, right?

So I this brings me to the thought that a space marine can feel romantic or sexual feelings, it’s just that it’s probably got to be under some very specific circumstances. And that most of them would have no idea what to do when they get a crush on someone. Yes they’re grown adults but new emotion?? New emotion that is affection??? Affection that isn’t platonic or familial?!! Confusion!!!!

Cue a bunch of different reactions to this. Ranging from trying to impress their object of affection by showing off how well they can fight (“Check out how strong I am!” “Well yeah, you’re a space marine.” “Oh… right.”), to deciding to avoid them completely, or being weirdly obsessive/possessive of them because they never want to lose the person that made them feel this way, or getting angry at the baseline human for distracting them from their duties (even though they probably didn’t even realise the space marine had feelings for them), perhaps even deciding to do what they do best and bringing their human trophies of the enemies/heretics/xenos they killed like some kind of giant catboy.

Space marine: 7 years ago I had a crush on a serf in my chapter and I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I wrote her a letter that just said “leave this place immediately”

(first part of the ask because dumblr cut it off)

Putting this ask on my fridge because you understood the fucking assignment.

Astartes start their transformation at around 10-13, so basically their entire formative years are taken away from them. How are you expected to know what a crush is or love or really any complex emotion if you’re too busy having a bakers dozen of extra organs shoved in you and running through the Tunnel of Terror?

'Yeah I didn't have a girlfriend I was too busy getting acid spit'

I imagine that having to deal with an Astartes who's figuring out how an entire array of emotions work is going to be, a handful. He ends up knocking someones lights out while sparring just to show off, or you end up with the hide of an entire Tyranid Warrior. What do you say to that? Thanks? Them being hyper vigilant of you being around other Astartes, almost obsessively. Also all this depends heavily on the chapter. It would probably be much easier with a White Scar, Lamenter( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), Ultramarine, or Blood Angel( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) than an Imperial Fist, World Eater, or Black Templar (I love my wall husbands but their heads are filled with concrete).

[PENDING COMFIRMATION LOL] And, some of this is actually canon! In a book, a space Marine thinks about how weird he feels when looking at an attractive young woman who’s a refugee they saved. I KNOW this is a thing but I cannot remember the source so I’m going to try and find it. I believe he was a blood angel. If I can't find it please take all this with a grain of salt.

And anyone who manages to land themself an Astartes BF pretty much got themself the himbo to end all himbos. Because while Astartes are super smart and have crazy fast reflexes, they’re fucking dumb as rocks in other regards. (Examples being any emotion that isn’t anger or respecting your superiors, stupid infighting between chapters, Talos Valcoran)

Also in the 41st millenium they’re pretty much mildly worshiped as 'angels', so you have a literal trophy husband. Congrats. Please keep him on a leash the guardsmen are very scared and he has no trigger discipline.

[besidesitstoowarm]

"Vincent and the Doctor" thoughts

oh yeah. that hit different

this is the best episode of s5, imo, and one of the best episodes of the show. the museum scene alone at the end makes me cry every time, today was no exception. the plot is just that vincent van gogh saw the world's largest terror bird and then claimed to be pro life and died anyway so we're not getting into details there

i think it's extremely powerful that the creepy monster here was a merciless beast, utterly alone and abandoned, that vincent could see but no one else could. like talk about metaphors for severe mental illness. and then when they realized it wasn't angry, it was blind– it was scared, and he had killed it by mistake in self defense– well, there's this thing my therapist spent a lot of time working with me on, it's called "parts theory". basically every person is a collection of "parts" that all exist for some purpose, and every part is trying to help you, even if that's maladaptive. like, one of my parts we called the "stage manager", basically a panopticon prison guard, the part of me that feels compelled to micromanage everything about myself as if i am constantly on stage, constantly under scrutiny. the part exists in an attempt to control how i come off to other people, so i don't seem "too weird" or "accidentally very rude" or something. it drives a lot of disordered behavior but it's fundamentally protective

and vincent had an accidental, violent response to this scared thing lashing out, blind, alone. it had the capacity for great harm but was not actively malicious. and he could interact with it in a way that no one else could, and it was bloody and messy and painful. it felt so incredibly poignant. like how when the doctor was trying to coax him to go to the church and he was laying in bed crying, alone and afraid and cynical, lashing out. he was ostracized and othered by his mental illness, which made him desperately unhappy, which made him act in erratic ways that were offputting and sure to drive even the well-meaning away, perpetuating the cycle. it's really rich. i went to look up the writer to see if he'd written any other episodes of the show, and he hasn't, but he did write "love actually" so i owe him a debt i can never repay

this is cooking a little bit but i think it's interesting how the sunflowers amy fills the garden with are obviously real, while the sunflowers on the casket they pass on the way to the church look fake as fuck. the flowers in his real life, given to him as inspiration by someone who cares about him, are real and vibrant and complex, while the ones chosen by other people for other people are simple, flat, and look false. idk if they are fake but they look different and to me it's thematically resonant

a few things: i love how the actor playing van gogh is also scottish so he notes that amy has the same accent and asks if she is also from holland. when the doctor was waving his giant stick in the complete wrong direction, my bf said "this is what daemon was doing at harrenhal". i got to see almond blossoms my friend almond blossoms. amy saying she's not the marrying kind, yeowch. the actor crying in the museum fucking SOLDDDDD it he left no crumbs. it's of course devastating to know that they didn't change history and he still killed himself but i really love how they basically leave it at that, that his life was complex and that one miracle great weekend can't cure everything that was wrong with him but that they added to his pile of good things and that's not nothing. have you guys heard the theory that he didn't kill himself, he was shot by one of the boys in the village that bullied him and van gogh lied so the kid didn't get in trouble? i find it really compelling and i think i want it to be true bc it feels kinder somehow

next up we get a fun little bit of filler before shit pops off for real

[weirdcat1213]

Its time for the weekly horrors- I mean Trimax vol 3 >:3

The Thoughts:

chap 1:

-AH EVERYTHING IS FALLING

-bro you are about to get into a fight can you stop thinking about your bf for 5 minutes

-fr tho, vash's words making him hesitate/angry is so dcfgjhbkml

-why everyone wants my babygirl dead :c

-now now, comparing someone with their brother isnt a nice thing to do

-oh so now we're not even making an allegory, he actually called him jeesus

-also "your soul is forced to endure the sorrow by the hundreds, suffering by the thousands, and the rage by the hundreds of thousands" im gonna throw up cuz of how that GOOD and PAINFUL that shit is

-the polar opposite of being a human huh...i mean besides something i said weeks ago about how he's further away from humanity more than he would like that point is interesting cuz most of the time we call him someone who is more human than any other person. he carries more pain than any human could endure and definitely has more patience than anyone will ever have but...hm...i want to come back to this

-ww pls dont make me cry today pls honey

-oh im gonna cry

-"your ideals will join you in the grave" i fucking hate thats the reason why we all try to be better people, thanks to that fucking wet cat of a man i cannot deal actually

-MILLIE :D

chap 2:

-i dont have much to say about battles but let it be on the record that I'm enjoying ww's eyes sm

-oh page 38 is cool as hell

-OH SHIT IS THAT HIS FUCKING SPINE????

chap 3:

-ww stop having pretty eyes youre distracting

-meanwhile :3

-ah geesus the body horror (so good but creepy)

-EYES :D

-so many fucking details. nightow got down even the smallest scribbles, as 98 vash would say

-oh right that....thats still upsetting

-i fucking swear people need to leave my son alone

-also fucking hate that he had to SHOOT A BABY even if it was fake

-I FUCKING HATE THIS ACTUALLY

-i can feel his fucking mind breaking i cant do this

chap 4:

-"i cant do this" yet here i am lmao

-i think if vash held me like hes holding that girl a lot of my problems would be resolved ngl

-characters reciting names always get to me :c

-also HA EAT THE PTSD ASSHOLE

-"why are there so many" brad you may want to sit down for this one

-..................i deadass thought "oh the doctor is here" IVE READ THIS BEFORE AND I FELL FOR IT AGAIN

-vash with his hair down :3

-nah hes not gonna kill you BUT HE FUCKING SHOULD

-oh i will kill so many people (vash is bleeding)

-hm. this reminds me of something in houseki no kuni (i wont spoil but maybe ichikawa had trigun as inspo which would be cool af)

chap 5:

-oh im yeeting myself (ww thinks about the children) -ww gives in his anger and fear when punching those weirdass faces but I'm gonna say this once: that doesn't make him weaker or worst. i haven't seen anyone think that of ww, i just feel that when he compares himself to vash he feels that way and i cant stand it :)

-vash i fucking swear-

-oh god the fingers...the fucking fingers...

-oh you are NOT talking to my vash about pain and agony

-OH WAIT I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD THAT PANEL OH GOD NO I HATE REREADS WTF

-XD my girls

no wait i need to get back to that. i thought that was emilio's dad not fucking vash himself oh my god I'm sick so sick actually wtfffffffffffff

chap 6:

-is this the chapter with the gays eyes cuz I'm not ready for that-

-oh fuck you nightow. fuck you for putting knives in the title page and the title being "families"

-i want to punch so many things but I'm at work. fuck

-also i forgot about this stampede parallel GOD WHEN DOES MY SUFFERING END

-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE GAY EYESSSSSSS

-yeah i agree this is literally the moment. like fuck. fuck actually. fuck what else is there to say.

-fuck

-like hes so fucking terrified that he was afraid for him, what his journey is causing ww, but even if he wanted ww to stay away and safe he knows ww would say fuck off, but also vash would not be able to take it

-THERES SO MUCH FEAR AND LOVE IN THOSE EYES IM GONNA BITE MY HAND

-OH I CANT ACTUALLY WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH WTF

-im so fucking upset cuz the last 3 chapters were basically fights. they were full of energy and shit but now that is over and they are in a rare moment of peace, and everything fucking hits.

-im gonna go outside and step into oncoming traffic

-YES LUIDA MY QUEEN SHUT HIM UP

-WOLFWOOD :D pls never leave me

-i....*implodes*

-i am nothing. i just remembered that.

-OH CMONNNNNN

chap 7

-maybe i dont want to read trimax anymore. maybe a little person like me isn't strong enough for a 2nd round of the pain. with that in mind, lets keep reading :D

-WHERES THE NIGHTOW PUNCHING BAG WHEN YOU NEED IT

-wolfwood what he is it doesnt matter i swear pls cant you just love him?

-:c

-i dont like vash being emotionally attached to stuff cuz that means i have to yell HES LIKE ME FR FR

-oh that....that beautiful panel...amazing

-i think my mind blocked this out because of the previous sad things that happened, so now my brain is allowing me to process more sad things :3

-"i still have so much i must do" and i see i still have many tears to cry out huh?

-ofc wolfwood would ask about redemption

-cant my man show an important part of his past and show vulnerability in front of his friends in peace? damn

-im gonna start bitting my glasses

-GAY MOMENT PART 2 INCOMING

-luida pls i want to stop crying

-oh wolfwood honey....you just fell so hard for my man didnt ya

-i just realized the chapter is called "life as a" and I THINK the idea is to complete it with "life as a 'vash the stampede'" cuz he's not human

OK GREAT NOW I CAN RUN TO THE WASHROOM AND FUCKING CRY :D

[kfairies]

temptation ; miguel o'hara smut

MIGUEL O’HARA + BLACK FEM READER | suggested, 15+ SUMMARY : you're in a relationship with your boyfriend, xavier riley, but after you bump into miguel while walking alone, things change. CONTAINS : dom!blackfemreader biting kink, suggestive (mentions of sex), slight (?) dirty talk and teasing, kissing, needy!miguel (whose also a flirt), tongue play , anal , etc. ================================= CAST :

y / n - black fem reader played by michiko malandro 27 - college graduate " im fucking 25, ive graduated college. i dont need a protector. this is los angeles, im not a fucking baby." =================================

xaiver riley - y/n original bf played by david kawena 26 - surfer " listen, i can't cook. that's my secret. now is there anything you need to fucking tell me, y/n?." =================================

miguel o'hara - y/n 's "friend" played by miguel ohara 30 - works at achlemax " come on... stop playing dumb with me amor." ================================

miguel o'hara - miguels friend" played by miles morales 17 - unknown occupation " oh. so thats your girlfriend?" ================================

tilla - y/n pet played by bruni

2 - professional at eating everything "boo!" ===================

nickie - y/n's mom played by eudora 52 - runs a resturant" you better not be having sexual intercourse in LA. now give me some love"

===================

"Mama!" I yelled from the kitchen. "Yes baby." she answered. "Im going out to the coffee shop to work I'll be home by 5:00pm." I replied. "Okay baby" she said. "Love you!" I exclaimed, walking out the door it was 9am, I was walking to my job. Once I got there, I put on my apron and started making a coffee for a customer. I worked for a few hours, serving customers, making coffee, and cleaning up. By 5:00pm I had finished my shift and was heading back home. I walked in the dark, the loud sounds of the city peirced my ears. The cars honking, crackheads yelling; everyday thing. I saw a large man walking towards be, although we were the same height, I wasn't intruiged and thought it was just a local, until he started following me. "Hey!" I exclaimed to scare him off. 'WHoa re you?" It was this man in a casual outfit, he ahd brown hair, and was buff, His hair would flow back into the wind, and he was fairly attractive. "What are you doing walking around at 6:00pm on a late night, in california" he said, his voice was soothing. "Nothing much." i said. He walked and contiued small talking, but I gave short answers; for all I knew, this person was a stranger. I asked him what he was doing as well, and he just shrugged and said he was out for a walk. We exchanged numbers, and he left. I watched him until he was out of sight, my heart racing the whole time. Out of guilt I took another man's number, I texted my boyfriend, Xavier. "baby! :)" i texted. delivered. Whatever, I greeted my mom and got into my bed, I started to fall asleep until this number that I had saved called me. "Hello/" I said, concerned on who was calling me. A familiar voice answered "Hello, its.. Miguel? The creepy buff one?" Something clicked in my brain, and I remembered the stranger from today. "Oh, hello" I said, I noticed my feet kicking up in the air and immideatly stopped. In my mind, I said; "What the hell am I doing? HELLOOOOOOO Y/N YOU HAVE A BOYFRIENDDD!" "Oh yeah, I have a boyfriend, Miguel." I said, and releif lifted my chest. "Mhm, whats his name?" He replied in his deep voice. "Xavier, so if you're trying to do anything you can forget about it." I snapped back. I was proud of myself. "Well.." His voiced was so soothing, I wanted to hang up, but I couldnt. "Y/n, I'll call you soon." he hung up but I was still daydreaming, then I snapped out of it. I put my pewt, Tilla into my bed and slept with her. My alarm clock struck 8:30. I walked to my job and tried to get my mind off things, just like other days, I put my apron on. I went to the kitchen and saw my colleagues chatting, but I felt a bit off. I tried to focus on my tasks, but I couldn't help but feel a bit empty. I took a deep breath and tried to push the thoughts away.After a while of hard work, the bell rung at my closing shift, all of my colleagues were gone, it was Miguel. "You again, I thought i told you I had a boyfrie-" "Shh" he said. "Bitch who do you think you are? You're not m father nor are you interupting me." "Shh" he said once again. This time, i stayed quiet because I wanted to heat the stupid shit he was gonna say. "Listen y/n, do you think I'm attractive?" "Fairly." I said. He grabbed my face and started pulling me closer. I tried to resist but I couldn't bring myself to it. He pushed my into the kitchen and closed the door behind him. He started kissing me, my lips, down my spine. +He grabbed my face and started pulling me closer. I tried to resist but I couldn't bring myself to do it, he was a great kisser. He pushed me into the kitchen and closed the door behind him. He started kissing me, my lips, down my spine, down my legs, and up again. Part 2 next block.

[rhymaes]

.

the way ive been trauma dumping on this site this past year & each post has felt hopeless but with an air of 'i know it will pass because i have purposefully created an open future where i can surpass my fears, create my own life where i can be me & enjoy what i love, & conquer what [x] did to me' & then it all collapses within two weeks & there genuinely is no hope for it & not in a haha it feels hopeless way but in a no things are happening so far outside my control that the people who Are in control were like. nah your fucked dude. sorry. is like. a different kind of horror helplessness. like okay lets rewind. i dont get into medical grief on here bc then id kms but like. okay. so 2022 i thought [x] was going to die & i told No One ever but also they knew i had [x] who i cared abt & was concerned for & everyone in [x] kept treating me like shit over it SPECIFICALLY & spreading rumors abt me bc i am a lesbian & then 2023 [x] & [x] & [x] all decide, separately, they want to be fun & quirky & try it with the gay girl so they can brag abt it to their bfs (im genuinly not being biphobic like. i mean they are straight women who would. do this. shit like. they said it. and then tried to queer it up when i told them to fuck off with it & they still needed their gay card bestie to fuck their ugly ass men who abuse them??? what the fuck!!!) & still gaslight me for caring abt [x]'s health & then tell me im selfish bc i wont drop everything for them & then try to out me & usher me into my greatest fear. okay. anyway. then 2024:like. u didnt think it could get worse is whats so funny!! like i faced my ed, lack of medication, insane financial struggles, tore myself out of a codependecy she imbeded in me so far that this now is the only time ive actually been Me for two years, & so many interpersonal issues & on-going griefs & then like. 2024 was like so? u know. that thing. the one youve been working for. that u were emotionally banking everything on & then u Did actually achieve it like we have the paperwork over it & u were also using it to prove to yourself that [x] may steal your work but she cant steal everything from u & also this is the only thing u could spend ur life doing without waking up every morning thinking abt how to kill urself? yeah actually you cant have that we changed our minds lol!!! & we didnt know how to tell u :/ so thanks for reaching out! but its not u is the thing like. youre so good bro. its an outside factor & oh yeah no theres like. nothing u can do like. u should drop it man. try next year. its not like u got through this year for that alone & put up with every thing that cut u so deeply bc u knew this would pay off not because u deserve it no but because u actually earned it & worked for it. but bye try again next year. like!! oh!! okay!!! im going to find the sexiest fucking ledge i can actually hahaha!!!

[sinisterexaggerator]

Little life update teehee

The school district in Austin, TX screwed me over. If I can’t find another job before August 1, fuck it — I’m going to try my luck in Seattle/PNW, job or not. I’m sure I’ll find something to pay the bills until I make it into the library there.

Long story short, dumb ass who hired me didn’t know what credentials I still needed when I investigated and thought all I needed was to take a test and hand them my transcripts. TX Education Agency says in order to be allowed to take the library media exam I need ANOTHER two years of course work in a school librarian prep program like I did for Region 13 for SPED and that right there cost 12,000 dollars when I’m barely finished with my MLIS. Somehow, my teaching experience, master’s, endorsements, and 2 years at the library in Florida isn’t good enough. Worst thing though, I relocated to Austin banking on this. I feel like I should be compensated for this fuckery. Who hires someone without knowing for sure if they are 💯 qualified and leaves it up to the employee in a case like that? I’m not a fucking school district. You tell ME what I have to do — and before I sign a prehire agreement, how about that!? I thought I had everything I needed, but they should have been there to tell me no, you are not qualified - please do this first instead of saying yeah, come to Austin, we’ll get you in somehow. No, obviously you can’t. UGH.

Got an air bnb until the end of the month. Not even gonna bother looking for an apartment at this point. I applied to places like UT, ACC, and APL but 🤷🏻‍♀️. Also if the last person I lived with would have let me take my damn time looking for a job like I asked, finish school first, and not stress out about this, well, I’d still have a job in Orlando atm but I was rushed out because “you were going to move eventually, anyway.” Yeah, maybe in six months or so. Maybe in a year. But noooo, I had to leave to have his “friend” move in by August, when guess what — they didn’t even wind up moving in because they lost their job.

I just hope I don’t fucking run lot of money before I get something else lined up. I refuse to teach again. I refuse to pay 12,000 for 9 more classes. Why the fuck do they make everything so HARD FOR TEACHERS AND NOW LIBRARIANS!! There is LITERALLY A SHORTAGE. Gee, I wonder why?!!? 😡🤬😡🤬🤬

Guess i'll keep applying to every job I see. Oh, and my period decided to come early - a week early - so that's fun, and before that I was SICK and had a FEVER while packing for the move! Not to mention before THAT I didn't even get to see the Hondo animatronic like I wanted to because Disney can't get their shit together and he was already broken for a week straight by the time we arrived.

Of course, can't get help from anyone either. My parents are dead, I have little family, and even though I have savings no one wants to rent an apartment ( even if you can pay for six months up front ) because you don't have proof of income?!?! How do people even move?! Ugh. And my bf's parents are dicks and won't even help us cosign. They are in the middle of selling/building a new house for the 10th time because his mother is bat shit crazy, so we don't even have a room to crash in worst case. We could sleep on a futon in his brother's living room, but fuck that.

I really just want to go to Portland, or Seattle, or Vancouver, Spain, California, fuck. Idk.

I wish I wasn't bleeding like a God damn wounded animal and the cramps don't help. I should be doing things - productive things - but all I want to do is watch reels on Instagram.

Oh— and one more thing. My boyfriend works from home normally and he can’t do his job because the air bnb failed to list that the internet is SPOTTY AF. It cuts out all the time and I am definitely leaving 3 stars.

[seiwas-interact]

HI i was gonna tag you at first but i figured it’d be easier to just write here :D i’m sorry in advance if this turns out rly long!! i just really wanna take the time to show my appreciation for everything you said on that satoru piece <33

first of all THANK YOU???? SO MUCH?????? like i literally can’t describe in words how happy it made me to read all you wrote, i was giggling n kicking my feet and everything. no but really tysm!! <3 for being so kind and for taking the time to comment on it so thoughtfully!!! it means so much you have no idea!!!!!!!🥺🥺and pls never apologize for the rambling i got sosososoo happy reading all the lines you liked and all your thoughts, i can’t thank u enough!! <33

i thought you couldn’t top the shoujo anime comment but comparing it to an indie movie scene is. so kind. ”scenes that feel almost stolen if anything” like that’s such a nice thing to say??!!! i was definitely going for that kind of vibe too so i’m so happy it came across well :’3 subtle intimacy is also like. my FAVORITE thing to write ever so i was ecstatic that u enjoyed it!!!!!

oh and the reader too!! i’m so relieved you liked them!! it’s not even intentional atp but every time i write for satoru reader ends up extremely down bad bc my love for him bleeds thru😭😭i’m sick and tired of it tbh but i’m physically incapable of pairing him w anyone who isn’t constantly like ’i love my dumbass bf’….. he deserves to be praised for all he does!! god knows no one else in that series is telling him good job and patting him on the head and giving him treats. smh.

overall i’m just. genuinely so, so happy you liked my take on satoru and love, it’s such a huge part of his character even in canon so i try my best to do it justice!! i feel like satoru would just benefit soooo much from a really sweet, gentle, easygoing love bc like you said he’s just. carrying so much weight on his shoulders, and especially after his love w suguru ended so tragically and was so heavy i just think he’d like something light.

for the record i absolutely adore your take on it too!!! how being loved makes him feel small but not in a bad way, how he feels so safe w you……… how he can just be satoru. like it made me insane when i read it bc you’re so RIGHT. i love your satoru sm, you make him feel so human and capture that vulnerable side of him so well that it kinda hurts to read LMAO… it’s just so…!!!! yeah. it’s so tender and good and achey

aaa and and and…. it makes me so soft that u thought my writing was homey….🥺🥺mine def leans more towards introspective thoughts and feelings too!! it’s just too fun to dig into your fave’s psyche lol.

anyway i feel like i’m just rambling away in your askbox so i’ll leave it there but pls just know how much i love and appreciate you <33 no need to answer this btw i just needed u to know!!!!! i feel like we all need some gojo fluff after those leaks LMAOO (i am in extreme misery) so i hope the fic could be a small comfort…… i’m just here writing sickeningly fluffy gojo content to distract myself from the manga atp…………

hi darlin omg 🥺 help we’re both just apologising for rambling on eachothers pages omg 😭 pls don’t apologise aaah!!! this is so so sweet of you 🥺

OF COURSE i had to comment thoughtfully on your fic omg it’s what you deserve!!! 🥺 it rlly tickled so many parts of my brain when it came to understanding satoru’s perspective!! tugged at my heart just as much too 🥺 i love introspective works a lot 🤧

i’m so happy i was able to get the vibe of it right too omg 🥺 as a reader who writes i think i get a lot more conscious now if what i understabd overlaps with what the writer is trying to portray omg akksnxkd but yes subtle intimacy omg 🥺

and yes to lovesick reader too 😭😭 i enjoy all dynamics but i have an extremely soft spot for when both are whipped for one another and for satoru especially !!!! our baby boy 🥺

& re: satoru and love, i think so too !!! i think that guy needs some luvin in his life and it shouldn’t be any more difficult than all the shit he’s been thru already 😭 that lil scene u added the ‘be careful satoru’ one i think omfg IT ACHED

AND AAAAH how u like my satoru too omg 🥺 thank u thank u 🥺 that’s such a compliment!! tender and achey 🥹 i do try to humanise him as much as i can so i’m glad it came across 🥹 ur satoru 🤝 my satoru 🥹🫶🏻

i hope u’re ok after the leaks!!! i’ve also just been thinking up all the fluffiest, most comforting ideas to cope 🤧 josnxkdn

read ‘i’ll relearn love at our kitchen table’ (super soft n comforting gojo!!! ☹️ tugged at my heart!!!!)

[theghostus]

Day 95

By now y'all know this is my personal blog. Putting all my feelings and thoughts down.

Still no income. Brightside...I will probably start my new job at a school after Eid. Y'all think, hey, that's good news. Dude, not to my savings account, it ain't. Borrowing money and moving money for the past 5 months. Each month the bills take a HUGE bite into my savings. Not counting the necessities like food and feminine products. So yeah. I'm hella worried. Last December really took a toll on my mental health when the insurance companies asked for their yearly payment. That sucks eggs, man. Oh another thing, my phone has that infamous green line in the middle of my screen. It will cost me a new phone just to get it repaired. Even after repair, it has only a 1-month warranty. FML.

Another thing that weighs heavily on my mind is that bitch of my aunt, aka Dad's sis. She still hasn't sold the Devil's home. I mean, how can she? The damn place it's as old as me (not telling you how old I am; I'm a millennial that's the only clue I'm giving). No one wants to buy that home for the price she's selling, even though it's 'convenient' etc etc. When I released it to her, it was cleaned and manageable (also, it was after GP passed) Her son is now 30; if I recall correctly, he doesn't need babysitting. So it's her and her husband now. I mean she could downsize her 2-storey flat to save cost. Whatever I digress. Without that money from the sale, I can't do my kitchen. I had 2 quotes from 2 different contractors. Each will cost me almost 6k. Including the changing of the toilet doors. sigh.

My mum's condition is stable and no change over the years. With the "occasionally" and 'normal' sounds of her being strangled by an invisible hand. The sounds coming from her I can only describe would be the sounds if I were to strangle someone.

Mdm Sunflower finally got her goal. She and her husband have a daughter. She came home to them on my birthday. Will need to find out if her girl is a Pisces - they are emotional balls of energy which Mr and Mdm Sunflower are not. Her girl has already proven to be the Lil Diva already, haha. Luckily her girl is a Rabbit - they are kind and social creatures. She will make a great mum. That has been her goal since she got married almost 20 years ago. It seems like yesterday we were talking about our goals and what we wanted to achieve in our life.

Le Bf celebrated our 2nd Vday at a proper restaurant. We didn't celebrate my birthday much coz was trying to balance my mum and him. We ate at a hawker centre (it's a Singaporean eating centre) because his workplace is 1.5 hours away from my flat. He was doing sales, so he couldn't really go anywhere. Plus, I sus he just lazy to plan shit. So he just manages with whatever. Also, I was supposed to meet him early, but I went marketing with Mum in the afternoon and took a nap thinking he could only leave later when he didn't tell me that he had someone at the shop with him to cover. sigh. men.

Then I was thinking of surprising him and celebrating his birthday by bringing him to Gardens by the Bay at night to watch the light show since he had never seen it before. First, he didn't this week tell me he took 3 days off and planned to spend his whole 3 days with his mates and for his social work. I got to know this only yesterday. Secondly, he told me, I think a couple of weeks ago, that he's travelling to Bangkok this week, and his flight is tomorrow at 5am and will be returning to SG on the 10th (again I was told this yesterday when he came over). So he will be in Bangkok from 6 to 10 (for duty and play his words not mine), including on his birthday. So I'm a mix of sad and angry at the moment. Sad I couldn't celebrate his birthday again. Angry, he spends his birthday overseas again. the first time, his friend treated him to a seafood dinner in Malaysia. While I thought he was working when he sent his seafood dinner pics to me. I don't blame him for wanting to have fun with his mates, but sometimes I wonder am I the fool trying to create memories? I'm in two minds of just throwing his present in his face and telling him next time I just wish you HPB. I won't be celebrating his birthday anymore anything since he prefers to spend it with his friends overseas.

Am I being brainwashed by socials with picture-perfect relationships? Am I expecting too much?

[khodorkovskaya]

13.03.23

yesterday was a very thought provoking day so i want to tell you guys about it! lots of stuff about growing up/coming of age, relationships, etc, all that good stuff!

so i went ice skating with my oxford/france bestie and my student as we do every sunday and it was so much fun! im getting more and more confident on the ice! and it was great, i love spending time with friends when we're doing something like an activity , like something with a purpose you know.

then we went to get hot chocolate as we always do and since my student's wife wasn't there, he spilled some tea! we started talking about relationships bc my london bestie was in town this weekend and her bf finally got his visa so he came to our town for the first time ever! it was his first time outside of the uk and his home country so we were all very excited! but anyway, we started talking about relationships bc to be completely honest with you, im not a fan of my bestie's bf, but i'll get to that in a sec. and my student said that he's only been in love 3 times in his life. when we asked him what about his wife, he said it's not really love as in romantic or sexual love, they're just really good companions. and... they've never had sex! which honestly kinda changes my perspective on their whole thing, but also not really. he said they've only ever done kink stuff together bc they're into latex and things like that. and since she's so much younger than him, he's never wanted to have sex with her. as he desciribed it, he's not a zizi kind of guy i.e. he's uninterested in sex in general. and yeah, ive always thought he was somewhere on the asexual spectrum and this confirmed it. anyway, that was a fun fact.

now back to my london bestie and her boyfriend, im not a fan of the guy frankly. he comes off as really uninteresting and they have this whole mother-son dynamic going on, i really don't get it. he's boring and unattractive and also probably asexual or maybe gay bc he's uninterested in sex with my bestie. so i was looking forward to seeing her and i was happy that her bf could finally come to our country, but i would've preferred it if i could talk to my bestie one-on-one without his company yknow? and then my bestie also messaged me saying that she invited another friend of ours to come hang out with us and again... i feel like such a bitch but the friend she invited is just... so uninteresting. the girl has no values and sure, she'll laugh at your jokes and talk about anything, but i can't stand her superficiality. every time i hang out with her i feel like im wasting my time.

so on my way to the bar i was already imagining all the dumb conversations we're gonna be having and how bored i was gonna be, already trying to make up excuses about how i could get myself out of this and go home and work instead of gargling air with two of the most uninteresting people i know. and i felt so shitty because i was supposed to be looking forward to seeing my bestie and i was supposed to be happy about her boyfriend's visa and i was supposed to be happy about seeing that other friend bc i haven't seen her in ages. but i was just dreading it so much oh my god. i don't know what it is. am i a bitch? am i pretencious and arrogant and do i think too highly of myself? i felt awful. and even my ed thoughts were coming up on my way there. i was like "ooo im skipping lunch today im gonna be so skinny yay". like wtf. i wanted to be happy about seeing my bestie but instead i felt guilty and just wanted to go home and work...

anyway, as anticipated, i was bored out of my mind... her boyfriend's attitude was pissing me off. i asked them what they've done these past two days, like what they've visited and what their plans were. and they said that they went to the old town, walked around the lake, ate at mcdonalds and drank wine. which is fine i guess but like... there's so much to do around here and so many things to see! you can have mcdonalds and wine in london and tbh the old town is not really worth visiting if you don't know anything about it, like it's just a couple of pretty houses, it's gonna be boring if you just walk around aimlessly. like idk if i had two days to show our city to someone who's never been, i would've done so much more idk. and then the bf was like "yeahhh this place is boring it's not for me" and when i asked him why, he said that it's because there are a lot of pubs in london and not a lot around here. like duh of course if your only priority is drinking ofc you're gonna be bored anywhere you go. idk that really annoyed me. plus they didn't even go out at night so he didn't even have a point of comparison. like sure, we don't really have pubs like as in english pubs, but we have a lot of cool bars and clubs and other fun night time activities. like i invited them to the disco on ice on saturday, which is sooo much more fun than drinking wine at home come on! but they said no! and our town is the boring one, all right!

then my bestie invited me over for dinner with her parents and her ukrainian friend. and as the night went on the more and more i kept realising that i don't have much in common with her anymore. and it was so heartbreaking bc we grew up together. we had so many integral life moments together but now it seems that they weren't so integral after all. and it sucks because no one else is gonna know what i was like growing up and it feels like such an important part of me. she's the only one who's seen this part of me and yet it has no importance anymore because we barely have anything in common now.

idk it sucks and there's not much to say. we have different lives, different views, different priorities... and i really felt like the odd one out because at the dinner table everyone was kinda on the same page (except for the parents bc they're getting divorced lol but that's another story). at one point bestie's mum asked me where i was at with my studies. she asked me if i still give language lessons and do catsitting and i was like not really. i have one student who's become a friend now and for the cats thing, if my neighbour asks me ofc im gonna help out. but im not actively looking for these kind of jobs like i did in highschool because duhh im an adult now and im working. and then the mum was like "yeah, you should stop doing that. let's find you a real job" and it really like... upset me. because what about our business? no one seemed to care or ask me any questions about it. "where's you shop again?", "you sell clothes???" like guyssss this has been my family's life for years now! and im pretty vocal about what we've been doing and the project we're working on. and yet no one cares. i don't know, it made me really upset. as if everything we've been working on is not serious. as if getting a "real job" is the only thing that matters.

i don't know, i feel like there's a lot to say but there isn't much to say... it's just that me and my bestie have grown apart. and it hurts. it hurts that i can't relate to her anymore. and i don't understand her lifestyle or her opinions or her way of viewing the world. no, i do understand. but it's so unlike me. we don't value the same things. and it sucks.

and then the ukrainian girl was talking about how she went to dubai and how it's the place to be and how she's looking for a husband. and again, i just cannot relate. and felt so left out. like i don't know, ive gone through so much these past couple of months and it's incredible. but i can't share it with anyone because no one cares. everyone has different priorities... my bestie has an office job she's comfortable at, her boyfriend complains about life and wants to move to canada to find himself, bestie's mum is leaving her husband to go live with her lover and worries about how because of the war in ukraine her job's been intense, the ukrainian girl is trying to find a husband in dubai meanwhile her hometown has been destroyed. and i... well.... i can't even explain it.

i suddenly felt really scared of being alone for the rest of my life. i remembered coming home to B and feeling like i had my person. it felt nice imagining that i was not alone because i had him. but ive always felt lonely with him. but coming home and cuddling with him was nice. im scared that i'll never find my person, someone who can see and understand me, all of me. for now the only people i can relate to are "weirdos" like my student and my oxford/france bestie. they're so much fun! but is this how it's supposed to be? how do i fit in with normal people? how do i become normal?

anyway, i walked home and cried and felt very alone.

and then i had a dream about B and how i came home and he wasn't there so i called him and said "i can't do this anymore, it's either me or [his business name]". i woke up feeling satisfied that i had finally said it. but it's too late now, our relationship can't be repaired. and i can't set any ultimatums anymore and make him choose, because i chose to leave. and he chose himself. and im gonna be alone.

[girltomboy]

Many things are happening in my life now, some are awful but there are also good things. I won't elaborate on either now, but I must tell the story of what happened last night.

My bf and I went on a date aka went to a restaurant to have dinner and maybe a drink. We sat down, ordered our food and drink, and then I gave him a quick kiss. I thought something was a little off, so I gave him another one. I asked him if I was smelling some cigarette smoke on his breath. That's what it felt like. And he said no. No what cigarette smoke? No, you're not smelling that. His tone and his facial expressions and his demeanour, and his voice inflections, and everything pointed to him lying, because I've seen it all before.  So I just kept staring at him and eventually he said yeah I smoked yesterday I had a shitty day so I bought a pack of cigarettes. I just didn't know what to say because this was another instance of him lying to me to my face. A situation I have been in way too many times to even keep count anymore. And this was happening while we were out on a date waiting for our food. And then I stayed quiet because I genuinely was in shock, and he started trying to ask me about the books I've been reading recently?? And I told him I'm not gonna talk about books to him right now. I am upset and disappointed that he tried lying to me again. He just asked me what's the big deal was I supposed to tell you that I bought a pack of cigarettes and I was like yes yes you were supposed to because quitting smoking was a big deal for you and you did tell me in the past when you smoked again after quitting. Now not only did you try to hide it, but you also tried to lie about it to my face. That's the upsetting part. If you had just told me the truth, preferably yesterday when it allegedly happened, I would not have been this upset. Maybe I would've been a little disappointed but I would not have been this mad at you. And he tried to tell me things like "well you didn't ask", "I don't think it's necessary for me to tell you things like this" and he was only making me even more mad. And I told him I've already had my night ruined by his lies. I don't need to have it even more ruined by his gaslighting and shitty excuses. Like you didn't ask me, was kind of the last straw for me in terms of my patience for this whole conversation.

Afterwards, he was really persistent with the book questions, which I ignored completely. I ate my dinner in complete silence. I drank my little martini cocktail, and then we left. We went to see our friend at his workplace. He is grieving right now and he was really disappointed by the necessity to go home for a funeral and balance work at the same time, which I'm pretty sure is a form of hell on Earth. While we were there, my friend suggested going outside for a cigarette and my boyfriend actually bought a cigarette from the store my friend works at. He bought a single cigarette and smoked it and that just even pissed me off further, because it felt petty, it felt like a decision directed at me. Oh and on the way there we walked through the city centre which is decorated for Christmas. There is a Christmas fair going on and it being a Friday night it was quite crowded. So I started walking ahead in order to move through the ocean of people, and he got mad at me because I walked ahead of him, which I don't even know what he expected, did he want me to hold his hand or something? I was just trying to get through the crowd.

Well we spent some time with our friend, and then we left. We were supposed to go to my place, and I was thinking about telling him to not come to my place anymore and just go back to his place, but I decided not to because I actually wanted to have a proper conversation that wasn't in a public place. But at the bus stop, he said I don't think I should come back to your place tonight because you've barely talked to me and I stand by everything I said so the conversation is dead to me. And I said well I was actually thinking about elaborating the conversation because I don't think anything that happened tonight is alright for us. But since he didn't seem willing to do that, I just let it go. I went home without him and it didn't make me feel very safe to know that he doesn't care about my need for communication and he only wants to spend time with me when it's all romantic, when we're alright, and things are fine between us and he just dips when things get rocky because of him.

The topic of lying by omission, and then gaslighting me to convince me that he didn't actually do anything wrong, is as old as our relationship literally, and now five years in, to have this conversation all over again, like it's the first time it just exhausts me beyond any words and beyond my capacity to withstand this Behaviour. I have been questioning our relationship a lot in the past couple of months, but lately it seemed like we were back on track, but I see now that nothing has actually changed since the beginning and I don't see myself wanting to have to go through this sort of situation like identical to this, not once more in the future. I'm way too old for this and it doesn't even make me feel sad anymore, it just pisses me off. And I feel like even if he does apologise now which I don't really care if he does or not, but if he does it would just leave me cold because I know that not only is it fake. It's a superficial and artificial apology, but I don't think I need this kind of apology after you go home, I go home, you don't wanna talk anymore and then the next day suddenly you're sorry just because you probably feel alone or you just want the whole argument to end. Well, I wanted that last night, but you weren't willing to contribute to its ending. You can't just put me on hold until you feel alone and you just want my presence again, not necessarily because you are actually feeling sorry.

[lemondaily]

diaries of a bipolar 19 almost 20 year old

I think about this quote a lot

“Life is so subtle sometimes you find yourself walking through the doors you once preyed would open”

like., yeah. I grew up kind of rough (could have been worse never forget that) but with everything going on I was having serious mental health issues around 12, and I guess my surroundings were safe for me to be experimenting with gardening and four lokos, and by the time I was 16 I was literally a fully fledged alcoholic; totally following in moms footsteps.

It wasn’t until I got serious with bf when I realized how insufferable I was being, and it was a H U G E reality check, made me really think about who I was. Made me want to leave this world better than I found it. It was subtle changes at first. Part of the beginning of practicing mindfulness can start from truly coming from a place of wanting to be better for the people around you, which is an amazing building block for the rest of the work, but then I started noting patterns with the way I thought about my life and the things that would happen

And I realized; these conflicts and things in my life weren’t directed towards me… I know.. shocking right -.- but as someone who had never thought about anything any other way, this was h I uge for me!

If you’d had told me a year ago that I finally started to let things go, in many ways and different levels, I wouldn’t believe you. I used to say “I’ll forgive, but I’ll never forget”, and now I’m starting to give myself grace with everything I do, I started granting myself the same courtesy that I would give to others in a heartbeat, and it was like my life took a left and I drove myself into a place of forgiveness, where I don’t feel like I’m destructing my thinking 24/7

And the worst part is, if a therapist tried to tell me this before I learned it the hard way, I would have been like haha yeah okay good luck with that sweetie I am the way I am.

So I guess what I’m saying is,

Yeah. You are the way you are. But it takes a long time to see how miserable you are, but it takes even longer to see that it doesn’t have to be that way.

And by the time people figure it out, they’re like 40 and already married with children

When these things SHOULD be taught. My parents would never have told me to try changing my mindset, no I had to take some lsd at 14 and learn that shit the hard way. But oh well right we gotta let it go, I was just saying it’s so funny how I’m so different than I was. I used to be horrible at being alive. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong, I thought it was all my fault and the universe just hates me. But man let me tell you, if you start living your life knowing that there’s a balance of everything good and bad and in between, and you live accordingly, you respect the right things, you learn quickly what the universe is asking of you, and your purpose reveals itself. And your life isn’t gonna turn out how you dreamed it to be, but by the time you get to the future, whatever you built for yourself will be even better than you could have ever imagined.

And that’s why people always tells you it gets better

You could be sitting front row at a funeral and somebody could say “this too shall pass” or “don’t worry it gets better” or easier, or whatever kind of stock post they feel like spitting in ur face at that moment and you think, no you’re wrong this is the end of all things

and then the sun hits ur face the next morning, you think yeah I’ll eat I guess. That’s all it takes. One step, and then the next day you’ll get up a few seconds faster, and you’ll start preparing yourself to live your life again. It may not get better, but honey, you do.

You do get up again, you do learn how to deal with those big feelings, if you’ve lost someone you know, every day is another day of pain, but it’s also another day of you dealing with pain, and even if it doesn’t feel like time is moving and it’s getting better, it still does no matter what. You just hold on tight and lean on the people who love you. And watch movies, and cry, and you do get up again. and don’t forget that everything has a place in this world

Even spiders and flies and bees 6/23/24