#oh my god i feel like shit
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how do moms help you clean up throw up so nonchalantly i wanna cry
#🍄.txt#i was trying to take some steroids and. whew. not fun and i am also crying because that is the absolute worst feeling#no wrong it was antibiotics i think#oh my god i feel like shit#now my tummy hurts ow#stop asking me to get me things i’ve been wanting to cry since we were at the urgent care pllleaaalssssaasseee#tw emetophobia#emetophobia warning#emetophobia#for my fellow throw up haters
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Must be a Sugondese joke.
#dungeon meshi#chilchuck tims#laios touden#senshi#Looks like I won't be able to post this on dungeon meshi thursday so instead I will have a fun past/future conversation#This is wednesday me who has not seen the episode yet but I have such a strong feeling that it is going to be extremely special.#*This* fight is what the first arc has been building up to and it has *so* many incredible moments.#We're going to see the chilchuck knife throw! The leg sacrifice! The bones!#Watch them ramp up the quality this episode and go wild with the frantic action of 'oh god our plan is going to shit'.#Hello. Me of the future who just watched the episode.#I knew it was going to be good but that...that blew my mind completely. My high expectations were beyond met. My god.#I'm just speechless at how well they handled everything. The leg. The tension. That ENDING.#If you have not already: PLEASE watch Dungeon Meshi.
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Nothing in the world belongs to me But my love, mine, all mine
#genshin impact#arlecchino#peruere#clervie#ouhhhhhhhh im never gonna be able to emotionally recover from watching that animated short#ever since it came out a couple days ago just thinking of these two makes me feel like my heart is physically being ripped in half#i cant stop thinking about how Clervie was the only person in Arlecchino's life that she truly loved#like dont get me wrong Arlecchino loves her children in her own detached-fucked up way as much as any person with her amount of trauma can#but Clervie meant so much to her that even just her presence alone kept Arle's curse at bay#and it seems that no one other than Clervie herself has ever been able to break this unemotional/detached wall that Arle has put up#and maybe no one else ever will#DONT GET ME WRONG I still fw arle x other female harbingers like that shit is still peak#but oh my god the idea that arle never moved on after clervie's death and will never love anyone the way she loved her makes me want to SOB
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hi !! i love seeing my favorite goobers in sundresses so you should totally draw chris and martin in them. or not ! your choice of course :3
They were looking for Aviva and got distracted
#wild kratts#littlecrittereli#chris kratt#martin kratt#kratt brothers#wild kratts fanart#aviva corcovado#this kinda strayed from the prompt im sorry i thought it was funny#hating my art a little rn bc i dont feel like putting effort into it im sorry LOL#just ignore that its crusty please thanks <33#they are like.. her brothers oh my god#that moment when ur pseudo brothers break into your room and try on your clothes that do not fit them#I can just imagine Martin immediately eating shit by trying to run away in heels#dude does not make it 3 feet before breaking every bone in his body
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As someone who lived in a home where it was not safe to be queer but their first love was their same-sex best friend, I really cannot emphasize the importance of characters like Charles Rowland enough. As someone who deals with shame from years of self-hate, repression, happy-masking, and being called a "Token ally" by even my queer friends while feeling wrong wrong wrong about it, and being the kind of person who just didn't "Look queer enough" or whatever the fuck arbitrary, exclusionist rhetoric people would casually hurl about, I just really can't believe we have a character like him.
He's complex and deeply scarred and I've never cared about a character like this before. I've never felt so "Seen." I can't wait to save this show because seeing him heal will be like a balm on my heart. His character arc is completely unique and handled with such care that it brings tears to my eyes.
That's all. I am just so deeply thankful for & emotional about Charles Rowland tonight.
#I'm not commenting on any of the Payneland panic because I stg if one more person treats his trauma and pain as a background story#that doesn't deserve screentime in favor of rushing him into ANY relationship so help me god I will lose my shit#Let him 'Figure the rest out' goddamnit! It's hard being an abused child out here! We do not feel like we deserve love okay? Let him realiz#he DOES deserve love. Edwin got a whole season to figure his shit out Charles deserves the same damn#No Charles Rowland hate in my house. No straight Charles 'lads lad' truthers I'm done with it!!! I won't be having it!#oh for the record I ship Payneland like a motherfucker. They are the ship of all time and very obviously endgame#anyway GO STREAM DEAD BOY DETECTIVES#save dead boy detectives#dead boy detectives#dbda#charles rowland#dbda netflix#the dead boy detectives#the dead boy detective agency
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mirage chilling wit the kagome veggie juice pack
#ULTRAKILL#mirage ultrakill#ultrakill mirage#MS PAINT#ALL ART#FANDOM ART#DOODLE#NO COLOUR#First Post!#THE GEIGER COUNTER#SMALL CAPTION#TAG YAP#EDIT FOR TAG TYPO#as a hafu folk mirage makes me very happy#i dont know why but she just does#it just makes me so inexplicably happy to draw mirage enjoying japanese goodies like how i did when i was small :-)#the purple kagome juice packet was (and still is) my favourite#so she has that here!#also mirage lowkey has that "hafu but cant speak japanese for shit” energy#SHES JUST LIKE ME......... FR FR..... /ref#i can feel it#god i literally just got this game last friday im already so attached to it#this is how you know its peak#go my autism /ij#i love my girlfriend picture meme but its the ultrakill logo#what the jib i talked so much#after a while this will be this blog's pfp >O<!! i think its cute#a lil nervous posting this but oh well i wont die#famous last words#if anything is wrong with this please be nice!
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#asoiaf#a song of ice and fire#valyrianscrolls#i feel like i see people bring up this line all tje time to criticize theon and call him awful but its like.#the most blatant obvious line where he looks in the camera and says Haha My Dad Would Beat Me and Call Me Names. Fathers Do That!#and its like. oh my fucking god i knowww . I KNOW people think hes annoying or a piece of shit and he is atrocious dont get me wrong but#hes literally the most blatant metaphor of how abuse can affect a person into who they are#like no shit sherlock he desperately wants the starks to accept him. his actual dad would fucking beat him and he got taken outta that home#and placed in a new one where like one guy liked him as a friend but everyone else was kinda cold#<- WOAH! a metaphor about the foster care system and the way it affects a person.#like fucking obviously he bends over backward to try to get the approval of his peers or have fatherly approval#What else did you expect. Why do you think he makes all those choices ramsay suggests to him about trying to#get the respect of all of his men. he doesnt want to lose the respect. like.#Okay. Done now thank you#grace post
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Yeah we all know “He would not fucking say that” but can we please also talk about “Oh my god HE would fucking say that”. When you see something in-character you can hear it in character’s voice. Peace and love on the planer earth
#shitpost#ive seen many ooc fics but you do not really think of them after you closed them#but its so often i read something and there is a phrase that im like oh my god HE WOULD fucking say that shit#This is the shit he would fucking say in this situation for sure#like its so good such a good feeling
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His heart belongs to another
And no other heart will do
#no other heart by mac demarco : D#I drew this a couple of days ago because i was feeling crazy and i just love the idea that#these two should be great together!! they should!!! but#theyre not together#theres just . theyre missing something#and thats okay!!! its not meant to be#and theyre friendship is very valuble to both of them!!#their* fuck my baka keyboard#trolls#yall are gonna be mad about this one i feel it ...#i think we all know who jds gonna end up with now right ...#i just gotta .. draw them more 💀#i actully have the perfect ruveal i just have to finish painting it#urrgg i HATE painting#trolls oc#trolls oc cory#trolls movie#trolls john dory#trolls jd#john dory#jd ex husband#oh uhh i imagine this feels like a new years thing. or something#something that happened like right after they reconnected#before floyd and cory started going out#on god one day im gonna put all my tags lore into a post#i just shy 😔 who wants to read all this in a caption#not me brother!! I'm not reblogging that shit!!!#and im not finishing this cause i dont wanna give false hope 😘#although jd dating sim ... is pretty real#i would love to do endings with all his exs
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I hate this fucking manga how am I supposed to have a life and write essays about shit when I sit down start to think and all that comes to mind is some gay little toilet freaks istg it’s a hard knock life
#tbhk#toilet bound hanako kun#jshk#jibaku shounen hanako kun#akane aoi#yashiro nene#aoi akane#hanako#teru minamoto#kou minamoto#it’s them all btw#I love them#but pls I need the motivation to do my work#what I suppose to tell ppl sorry i didn’t do shit mitsukou were being gay so I didn’t sleep#chapter 118 destroyed me on like serval levels#I hate it but I love them but at what cost#do people even read the tags??#Akane aoi you haunt me waking and sleeping#the boy one if that wasn’t clear#I accidentally wrote 188 instead of 118 and all I could think is oh god I hope it doesn’t run that long#don’t get me wrong I love them but like I don’t want it to get bad and dragged out#plus I feel like it’s coming to its logical end#and I kinda don’t want it to run my whole life… like I have other future plans that don’t involve these guys continuing to haunt me
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Consider:
Binghe wishes to no longer be half Heavenly Demon… only the wish ends with him becoming a heavenly being and immediately ascending to the heavens, where he is tasked with fulfilling the duties his fallen ancestor abandoned.
Binghe wants to return to the mortal realm (to be with Shizun), but isn’t allowed to do so. The only way he can return is if he follows the example of his ancestor… and becomes a full Heavenly Demon.
Now ordinarily there would have been the possibility of Shen Qingqiu cultivating enough to ascend himself, meaning Binghe could just wait for him, but since Shen Qingqiu is plagued by Without-a-Cure the chances of him ascending have gone from ‘unlikely’ to ‘impossible’.
(And of course the only way for him to be cured of without a cure is dual cultivation with a Heavenly Demon).
Ah, the angst!
can you imagine how shen qingqiu would react to finding out the news?
he’d hear whispers of some new ascended god on his travels.
whispers become curiousity, become rumours, become praise, become prayers. ascended after death, recognised by heaven after being felled by demons in the worst attack the human realm has seen in a long time.
in the eyes of the people, luo binghe becomes the god of fortune, of overcoming adversity, of overturning fate, of rising from the ashes.
they come to learn of his dilligence in his studies, his adoration for his shizun, his terrible childhood. of course, it all reaches qing jing peak.
now, shen qingqiu must grapple with the fact that he had raised binghe to be better than his book counterpart, but that in doing so had lost him in a, somehow, much more harrowing way. he had expected to be hated, scorned and killed. he did not expect that he would be left behind.
he waves off the congratulations of the people around him, the praise of having raised such a capable, powerful disciple. what would he even say? how thick of a face would he have to have in order to take credit for what binghe had done in spite of his treacherous shizun? and what’s his deal, being so bitter about the whole thing? clearly, he needs to let this go. it’s unbecoming.
and he is happy for binghe.
it’s just unexpectedly lonely, to know that he would never see him again.
(he will.)
#svsss#svsss au#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#bingqiu#oh god this is such a good fucking idea holy SHIT anon#what do you EAT to have a brain so humongous#absolute UNIT of a brain#god#obligatory im too tired to make sense but i trust that you will understand and feel exactly what i intend you to#im going to sleep now but Please Know: i will be playing this scenario in my head like it’s a feature length film#.q
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Killua and the Power of Wishes
Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.
As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.
One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.
Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.
Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.
Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.
To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.
I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.
Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.
What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.
[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]
This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.
When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.
Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.
[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]
It's such an innocent, simple want.
And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.
In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:
Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."
Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)
Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."
And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!
So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.
10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.
Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.
It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.
Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).
"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"
The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.
Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?
Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]
Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.
And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.
This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.
It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.
[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]
I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.
However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.
Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.
[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]
I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.
But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.
Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.
[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]
Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?
Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.
[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]
Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".
I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.
...holy shit, kid.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]
And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(
What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.
In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.
Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]
Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.
Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.
They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:
As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course
Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo
I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.
Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.
The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.
So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.
Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.
It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.
Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.
Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]
Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.
Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.
Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.
And Alluka tears into him for it.
[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]
You tell him, girl.
Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?
"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.
Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.
And neither should Killua.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]
It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.
Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.
And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]
...she doesn't even have to think about it.
I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.
#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened 😭#ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl#but i'm so tired lmao#anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck#killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever#this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them#nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world#ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week#hunter x hunter#hxh#hxh meta#killua zoldyck#call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective.#storyrambles#also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh#he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've#done the same lmaoooo#it's very sweet though :')#argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.
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guy who so desperately tries to find god. who wants to have faith in a higher authority to guide him out of the hole he's in. from the weight of guilt from simply existing, as the person he is. but every time he thinks he's answered his higher calling it turns out he's made the Morally Incorrect choice and his path to goodness and holiness was the road to the devil all along
#now trusting god will give you a way out? there's your real crime!!!#guy betrayed by the protestant promise of a direct connection with god. but is also somehow. joan of arc.#see he never achieves actual martyrdom tho bc he's not allowed to stay dead lmaooo#sam somehow the most unintentionally catholic AND protestant character of all time#dean the atheist who sees religious predestination as the curse it is from the get go. framed as the narrative's Real Moral Authority#but also in the process reifying patriarchal familial power n authority. very very important Value of the Church#i don't think it's that deep. the show's attempt at critiquing christianity. but the way it reinforces christian cultural values???#'religious predestination and absolute faith in a higher authority...bad'#nice nice ok tell me more?#“so you should put your faith in family. in your patriarch (big brother)”#?????????#the thematic incoherence of it all. it's like the world's stupidest puzzle box to me. i can't leave it alone.#sam = maybe i can find god thru following my destined path. wait oh shit.#cas = maybe i can find god thru rebellion and seeking my own destiny. wait oh shit.#dean = god is fucking dead and me i also feel not so good#the “guy who so desperately wants to find god parallel” <- me coming out as a secret sastiel fan#both of them...finding god in de-[sniper on the roof kills me in one shot]#spn bible studies#j.txt
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Fr bro I love your energy! Noritoshi is so pretty and so criminally underrated. Keep up the good work in making more of us lusting publicly for him. You've done amazing job! That boy well-deserved it :)
tysm!! I try to open the eyes of the public to his qualities. join my cult yall, Noritoshi is so good listen to me.
but on the topic of energy, whether you're high or low energy, Noritoshi loves it. the only difference is how he reacts to it.
Let's say you're low energy or prefer subtlety in your affection..
Noritoshi will initiate first! ..after a while... in his own way.... He needs to gather enough courage and collect his thoughts properly, then hes good to go! He prefers more subtle displays of affection too, but if needed he'll be blunt about it. He'll learn to adapt to slightly teasing remarks, going as far as to banter and tease back, moreover he's just very loving. So loving it can be embarrassing from time to time because of how intense the atmosphere can get.. the best way he can be described here is princely.
A small smile forms on Noritoshi's lips when he feels you're around. He turns to you, already memorizing each and every quirk you have so that he doesn't waste any time setting his sights on you again. His hands reach out to tug on your sleeve as he looks at you with a gaze so needy you can practically tell what he's about to ask. "May i hold your hand?" His voice comes so smooth that if you didn't know him, you would've missed the twinge of desperation it carried. You couldn't help yourself, you shook your head, a mischievous grin slowly creeping onto your lips at the sight of Noritoshi's pouted lip. Of course he'd do as you say even if it was clearly unfair, but not without some complaints. He clicks his tongue, a quiet mutter of "cheeky.." escapes under his breath. He knows you do this on purpose to mess with him, he was tempted to beg a little, but decided against it. it was an embarrassing thought to begin with. Seriously, how mean can someone be to make a guy think like this? ..Extremely, if the guy's pouting is cute enough! Noritoshi lifts his hand to his chin, thinking of the many ways he can try to get around this obstacle you cruelly placed in front of him. He leans in close, hovering next to you as he usually does when he thinks. He faces you as who knows what goes on in his head, his closed eyes not even giving you a hint as to what he could be thinking. "Ah, pardon me, I got lost in thought. I suppose i can keep my distance, so long as you keep looking at me with that charming gaze of yours." Ah, so he was just winding up for a pick up line. How lame, but.. get used to it. He's going to shadow behind you the entire day with more one liners like that unless you shut him up yourself. Wait.. was that his plan? The faint sly smirk tugging on the corner of Noritoshi's lips and the warm hue on the apple his of cheeks are all you need to figure out the rest.
If you're high energy or prefer more blunt methods of affection..
Noritoshi gets overwhelmed and flustered from such raw approaches from you that he comes off as a bit rude. It's only because you make his heart so full that he needs to shut you down or else he'll do something embarrassing!! He wants to impress you, of course he enjoys your advances very much, but it's not very slightly to see someone like him act like a crushing school girl!! or so he thinks.
Noritoshi yelps in surprise as you snake your hands around his waist from behind. He doesn't push you away or even move for that matter, he's frozen stiff. Is he still alive? Like any good lover would, you benevolently press your ear against his back to listen for a heart beat. ..You didn't hear anything until the sound of Noritoshi sharp inhale came through. That was unexpected, but it works. He squirmed a little, seemingly trying to shrug you off but quickly giving up, accepting the fact that you've got him trapped. "You imbecile, e-enough of this!" he scolded, though he made no actual effort to stop you. Noritoshi remains stiff for the most part, but looking at the back of his increasingly flushing neck reassures you that he is, indeed, alive. He's just being stubborn! Not turning or even a greeting, just rude name calling again! You raise one hand and place it over his heart to hold him tighter in your embrace. As expected, its practically pounding against his chest. He swats your hand away and finally turns back to you with those cute furrowed brows and rosy cheeks. "You're such a bully, you know that?" he huffs out, any semblance of sternness failing to take effect as his jutted bottom lip quivers. Mercifully, you finally let go and spare him by not pointing out the quiet whine he let out. He stumbles forward and turns around to face you fully, trying to keep an eye out for any more of your stunts while he catches his breath. He felt so dizzy from being in your arms, if he were held for a moment longer, he surely would've melted right then and there. Noritoshi's hands trembled as he smoothed out his clothes, his mouth opening and closing as any and all words died in his throat. He wanted to yell at you for being so forward, for giving him no chance to prepare, for letting go of him, for a lot of things..! Yet he just pouted as he tried to calm the flush on his face. His hands instantly whipped up in front of him when he noticed you took a step towards him. He can't handle another display of affection right now, he'll go weak at the knees! But how can you hold back when he's just so damn cute?
The most likely outcome is a mixture of both with a heavy leaning towards one. Either way, you're very right!! He's extremely pretty.
#noritoshi#kamo noritoshi#noritoshi kamo#noritoshi x reader#kamo noritoshi x reader#noritoshi kamo x reader#ezralva#cw: shotty writing from an amateur writer who is desperate for you to see his vision and why hes frothing at the mouth over a guy#could you feel the yandere undertones. i couldnt help myself. sue me#basically you give him enough time to gather his rizz if youre low energy but jumpscare the fuck out of him if youre high energy#and you know how he handles jumpscares according to this cult#heh#oh and you got me kicking my feet and shit bro#lusting publicly for him.... i couldnt word it better myself#thats the entire reason for having a cult and indoctrinating the public. ty my beloved cult member#BUT YEAH. LIKE I HAVE TOO MUCH ENERGY AND BRAIN POWER DEDICATED TO THIS MAN#I GOTTA INFECT OTHERS CAUSE HES SO. RIPS OFF MY FACE#TYSM FOR THE COMPLIMENT. I EAT THOSE UP MORE THAN ANYTHING. I LOVE YOU BRO#GOD HE *****DOES***** DESERVE ALL THE LOVE AND ATTENTION FUCK. HES SO!!!!!!!!! //PUNCHES MYSELF#null rot
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my motorcycle got a flat tire and i deadass dragged my motorcycle to my home which means i dragged that motherfucker for approximately 1.5 km…..
#its 1:30 am#no automobile repair shop open anywhere. oh my god#i feel like#my soul has left my body#this is the most workout ive had in months#AKSHSKFKFKK#delete later#granted its not that far but i can feel my bones crackin#i smoked 3 cigarettes#pull up my big girl skirts#and dragged that shit for 20 minutes#KGFGJJFJKK
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Sputtering and spiraling and fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine
#keese draws#new game+#isat#isat siffrin#eyestrain#eye strain#I don’t thinkkkk anything in this counts as spoilers since it’s au bullshit but just in case#isat spoilers#anyways more comicfrin au 👍#felt like fucking around with some shit so get choud idiot#chou was stuck in their loops for a Long time so they had plenty of time to have many flavors of hashtag issues#they went back and forth on fully giving up and picking back up attempting to break the loops over the years several times#there were times it started to feel like almost a home to them#and there were times they’d wish the sun would eat the whole of vaugard whole#wait whole spiel I was abt to go on cancelled I checked the time fuck I spent too long on this#I still need to do some cleaning fuck#OH SHIT MY LAUNDERY#god damnit. time to take care of all that.
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