#oh but one of the new hires might be getting fired already so a position might open up lmao

[nobodybetterlookatme]

Got hired at a different program as a whole ass instructor so my professor can suck my dick 😌

[suiana]

I'm thinking about a yandere! secretary who's an absolutely manipulative piece of shit❤️

you hired him because his resume was impeccable and you thought he'd be a perfect fit for the empty position.

which... he is.

but the fact that he's younger than you by a decent amount and can be quite unprofessional at times does throw you off. is it something younger people like doing? is it normal to visit your employee's house with no one else around?

"hey boss, I'm thinking of inviting you over to my place tonight? just the two of us? we can drink and eat fried chicken together❤️"

"my dear, that is rather unprofessional don't you think?"

"what? no of course not. you're thinking into it too much."

it doesn't help that you're sort of a people pleaser and give into his demands easily.

you just want to see all your employees be happy! is that so wrong of you? of course not! and all your other employees (excluding your secretary) all appreciate and treat you with respect. and as you know by now, your secretary is an asshole who makes use of your easily swayed personality to get you to do... things in his favour.

but you don't know that! you just think it's because of the age gap that causes you not to understand his actions and words! surely he's not trying to love you right?

"boss~ don't you think i should meet your family? your parents? you met mine the other day didn't you? oh my parents absolutely loved you! they thought you were so sweet and-"

"w-well... that's only because you got a raise and you suggested i should inform your family about how well you were performing during work... there's no reason for you to meet my-"

"boss, be serious. do you hate me?"

"no of course not! i-"

"that's settled then! we can go and meet your family after this!"

"...yes, my dear."

with that said, he's also an excellent actor and knows how to play things to his advantage. by the time you realize what's going on, you'll already be trapped in the palm of his hand.

"my dear... i am so sorry. we shouldn't have slept together, nor gotten together. it was a severe lapse in judgement and I'm sorry that i crossed the line between personal and professionalism."

"what are you talking about darling? don't worry your silly head over all that. professionalism? who needs that? all the other employees think we look great together, and your family loves me! plus, I'm your boyfriend that you love, yes?"

"i-"

"now stop speaking about stupid things. you don't have to worry about that anymore. just listen to me. it's normal to date your secretary. it's what the younger people are doing nowadays! I'm already 26! so don't worry..."

and it's not like you can just fire him either. like i said, he does an excellent job at being your secretary. also the fact that he practically controls HR and influences them into thinking every other potential employee is subpar. so when you hold a meeting about whether to fire him everyone protests against it. but that's not important.

besides, he won't let you do that. why would you want to get rid of him? you only need him don't you? he's perfect for this job! you don't need another secretary. you don't need anyone else.

just him. only him.

and you two will be happy together as long as you listen to his words and don't try getting rid of him. after all, you might be older but times are changing! you need the hand of a younger and more knowledgeable person. he'll help you bring the company to greater heights and bring in more revenue for you!

so stop talking about how it's wrong. it's not. it's the way of the new generation! and he just.. loves you very much. way too much.

[quitealotofsodapop]

Ooh, the Stone Egg coming out when Xiaotian is courtnapped by Ruyi? Xiaotian is already stressed out from being abducted by a creepy older guy and now having to deal with Demon Bull family drama and Ruyi's incel/conservative uncle behavior-

But-

*slides idea that DBK's parents still alive and FURIOUS when they learn that their great-grandbaby is being born early because their son's an idiot and adding to the drama when the grandchild they never met SLAMS down the door to get to his mate*

Best way to describe my idea of the Immortal Ruyi is somewhere between "Scar" from Lion King + a stereotypical dark wizard.

Ruyi feels inferior to his older brother, banished or not. He feels that he must scrounge and hoard whatever power he must in order to secure his position - everything except changing a thing about himself.

When the Pilgrims encountered Ruyi; he was busy extorting the Kingdom of Women for access to the Abortion Spring - water that acted as a 100% guaranteed birth control for women (and unlucky monks) who did not want to have children. It wasn't just a matter of money - Ruyi has some pretty backwards ideas of what women should be "thankful for".

Makes sense why the Pilgrims beat the crap out of him and steal back all the money and treasures he's extorted from the women.

The Underworld is pretty inuslar - not much commincation between Realms happens down there. Even in the capital city of Youdu, communities are pretty self-isolating.

Except ever since what happened with the Ten Kings...

Yama/Yanluo needs to hire new staff.

Ruyi thinks he'd be a shoe-in for one of the Ten Kings! If only he had a good piece of arm candy to show off to the court...

Ruyi has a Compliant Hook that acts very simialrly to Wukong's Staff - and he might just use it to "hook" himself a stolen bride.

MK: (*finally managed to sneak out of the apartment to get a limited flavour of cheese tea*) Ruyi: (*whisks him away like an old-timey dastardly villain*) The Stone Egg, waking up: "Oh? It's game time now?"

MK of course; is NOT HAPPY with being kidnapped by some old incel demon to a corner of the Underworld!

Even more so when he realises from context clues that this is Red's Uncle!

Ruyi thinks it's foolproof. MK is a creation of Nüwa herself, and helped stabilise all of creation with actions - having him as a spouse would be major Rep points!

MK: "Dude! I'm taken! By your nephew!" Ruyi, preparing a concoction of spring water: "Do not worry. I will remove that roadblock when we come to it. Now you be a good wife and stop scolding me." MK, growing more and more furious: "I AINT YOUR WIFE!"

MK's own kaiju-form tries to activate, but can't due to the immense discomfort he's in. Only he knows the real reason for the cramping. He whispers to his baby to hold on just a little longer, as he staunchly refuses every piece of food or drink his captor tries shoving at him.

The chaos of the courtnapping, plus MK's own loud objections - alert the true masters of the Underworld Ox Palace...

I imagine DBK assumed that his parents had passed in the centuries he'd been gone - only to realise that they weren't dead, just retired from the political scene.

Ránshāo/燃烧 ("to ignite") and Fādǒu/发抖 ("shivering") were an arranged pair from birth - the union of two royal oxen clans spanning both the Hot and Cold Narakas of the Underworld.

One a dense, long-haired plume of fire. One a stern pillar of ice. Unseparable. If DBK respected anything of his parents; it was their bond.

From their union came the one who would be named "THE Demon Bull King"... and their second-born Ruyi.

They try not to play favourites but... the incident in the Kingdom of Women has soured their opinion over Ruyi's political standings. They have tried hard to throw off the imperial politics their own predecessors had imposed, and return to the "old ways". But clearly their current heir isn't wise to change.

The only thing stopping them from welcoming DBK back into their home is ultimately; Pride. If he didn't seek them out, neither would they.

Cycle of bull-headedness.

Until they smell and hear that their second-born has courtnapped himself an unwilling bride. One already with child.

MK: (*terrified and heavily pregnant*) Ruyi, showing off his prize: "Well..?" (*both ox demons look at one another... before slapping Ruyi across the head.*) Ránshāo: "YOU FOOL. Courtnapping is only legitimate if the other party accepts your affection!" Fādǒu, leaning down to MK: "The poor thing is shaking! Did you steal them from their maternity nest!? Their birth clan will have our heads if talk gets out!" Riyu, scrambling: "Well uh- I feel that they would be the perfect spouse for the heir of the Underworld Ox clan! Sun Wukong's successor is-" Both Oxen, so loud it shakes the palace: "THE WHAT?!" Ránshāo: "Are you telling me, this child is the successor of the ONE DEMON able to match our family in battle!? And you dared to kidnap him for your own selfish desires!?!" Fādǒu, hugging MK to her cool fur: "And what of their mate? Surely the existence of the calf in their stomach signals an existing sire!" Ruyi, kowtowing: "The child they carry was immaculately formed! Like the waters of the Mother-Child River! If it is an issue, I will remove it using the Spring-" (*Ruyi receives angry huffs from both parents, their breaths combining to create a boiling mist that forces him back*) Ránshāo: "Get out of my sight. We'll deal with you later." Ruyi: (*scuttles away by a cockroach*) Fādǒu, voice soft: "Child, does your clan know where you are?" MK, calming down: "No... but I imagine that they won't rest until they find me. Macaque can hear for miles, and Mei put trackers on my phone." Ránshāo: "We should prepare for guests then. We must apologize to them for the distress our second-born has caused." Fādǒu: "Is what Ruyi said true? That your child has no sire?" MK, little embarassed: "Uh! Well! It's a stone monkey thing I accidentally did. Baby is technically being made by me alone, but with Dao my body absorbs from my closest peeps and mate." Fādǒu: "Then who is your-?" (*The gates of the Underworld Ox Palace burst open as a stampede of kaijus arrive on-scene; dragon, demon, and celestial among them. The lead of the charge is a fiery cloud in the shape of a bull - the eyes burning with True Fire. The bull crashes through the front gates and throne room, trampling any obstable in it's path. It's charge only stopping when they see the monkey demon.*) Kaiju!Red Son, bellowing deep: "RETURN HIM." MK, surprised but delighted: "Red!!" :D! Both Oxen: (*share same looks of confusion and wonder*)

The sight in the palace is adorable; the tiny monkey demon waddling as fast as he can to embrace their mate, their furry arms not even able to encompass the snout. The massive bull gently nudging their smaller mate's face and belly, as if to ask "Are you okay?" The fire receding back to it's natural shape and size as more desperate kisses are shared.

No arrows or swords drawn - the appearance of Sun Wukong in his War Form put the fear of Buddha in every single one of the Oxen Palace guards.

And the appearance of the prodigal son put joy in their hearts.

DBK: (*arrives seconds later in his regular form, PIF on his shoulder. He looks confused as he realises where Red Son's trail has lead them.*) DBK, seeing the royal couple: "Mother? Father?" The Oxen couple: "Jǐn Cài Niu!?"

Ránshāo and Fādǒu don't even question why their first-born is there. The fiery tornado that ripped through their palace was nearly identical to the kaiju-form of their elder son - only now sporting the True Winds of the boy's celestial mother.

PIF herself is caught in the embrace. She's shocked by the closeness. She had not seen her in-laws in millennia - but now they greet her as if she were beloved kin? She barely manages to squeeze out of the giants' hold to watch her husband reunite with his parents.

Fādǒu: "A grandson! Xiaoniu - a grandson! And you never told us!" DBK, crying with frustration and joy: "I assumed that you did not care for him! I sent many letters to Father's office over the centuries!" Ránshāo, angry growl: "My office... the same office your younger brother as occupied for the last eon?" DBK, realising: "That bast-" Fādǒu, pulls his ear: "Do not finish that exclamation, calf." Ránshāo: "Do not blame him, my snowdrop. If Ruyi is only responsible for what happened today, he should be so lucky to live to see the next one." PIF, floating above the oxen: "I take it you've met our son's intended?" Fādǒu, gasping: "The expectant one!? Oh dear... barely a moment to adjust to knowing we're grandparents..." Ránshāo: "Now we are to expect our first great-grandchild!" Wukong, leans in to whisper: "So. We aren't in a fighting mood now, right?" DBK: "No. Now is not time for quarrel... unless you wish to catch up with my little brother. Odds are; he's already fled the palace." Mei, racing past in dragon-mode: "I CALL FIRST DIBS!"

Reunions and curb-stomps are cut short however - as MK is forced to reveal something that has been causing him grief ever since Ruyi kidnapped him.

Macaque, ears flickering: "He's in labour." Everyone present: "WHAT!?" MK, smiling through winces of pain: "Surprise?" Red Son: (*turns Kaiju-form off and in a feral rush, carries MK to a soft surface*)

Everyone is panicking, even the ones trained in midwifery. Wukong is stammering as he tries to manifest supplies from his transformed hair. Pigsy and Tang are screaming - realising that they need to grab the Bodhisattva Kṣitigarbha just in case babies aren't supposed to be born down here.

PIF is holding MK's hand, coaching him through the contractions and kissing his sweat-soaked brow. She knows the pain he's enduring.

Red is holding MK's other hand, not minding that the bones are most certainly broken by the stone monkey's grip. He's silent with excitement and fear.

Nezha briefly disappears, returning with Guanyin and Xiwangmu themselves at his side.

Guanyin: "When Nezha told me you were due - I certainly did not expect to come here! It's been some time." MK, Wukong & Macaque: "Same!"

It seems that the second MK is assured everything is prepared; the Egg pretty much shoots out - cracked and ready to go. The other monkeys barely have time to collect the broken rainbow-quartz shell when the baby starts howling to the universe.

The Room: (*stunned silent*) Newborn Haoye: (*immediately chirping and clinging to MK*) Macaque: "Wow. That kid did not wait at all to be born." Wukong: "Stress from the courtnapping probably scared him out." (*angry growls radiate around the room. Ruyi will be lucky to be found alive after tonight.*) Red Son & MK: (*both unintelligible blubbering*) "He is so small!!" "And orange!"

Xiwangmu nearly roars at seeing her great-grandcub alive and so loud. Her fellow great-grandparents do not hesistate to embrace the Empress when she hugs them out of joy. ("He's beautiful!" "He is!" "His taigong would have adored him!" "Did he get his fur from you Empress?")

The Underworld and the Celestial Realm are united fully in this moment... all for a tiny orange puffball who's barely a minute old.

Tang faints obviously. Pigsy holds it together long enough to say hi to his grandpiglet before passing out on the nearest sofa. Wukong and Macaque get a few sniffs in before joining Pigsy on the sofa.

All is calm.

Then Haoye sneezes and rainbow-coloured flames shoot out.

The Room: ( 0_0)? MK, laughing nervously: "Oh yeah. The Five Stones! Ha ha ha-!" Nezha, defusing: "To be fair... I spit rainbows." Mei, taking photos: "Aww, our little rainbow monkey man!!" <3

Now the baby has another set of great-grandparents to visit!

If one of the Man Yue gifts is a familar ox skull - MK doesn't comment on it.

[lightwing-s]

hi! this might be a little self indulgent (and it's okay if you don't want to write about it♡) but i was thinking about how jason would comfort reader after she lost her job? or maybe him comforting her in any stressful situation

With a heavy sigh, you threw yourself on the sofa, sitting right beside your boyfriend, who curiously looked up at you from his phone.

Jason noticed your saddened eyes, burning so much from holding back tears, and the pout adorning your lips accompanied by your trembling chin.

“I got fired,” you said softly, answering the question he did not need to mouth.

Throwing his phone on the side table, Jason immediately engulfed you in a tight, long hug. He caressed his hands on your arm, giving you extra warmth as he peppered kisses on top of your head. “Oh, baby! You’ll be alright.”

You held on to him tightly in return, burying your face on his neck and letting a few tears slide. You were not going to cry over this, you were not.

For what might’ve been either hours or just a few minutes, Jason embraced you silently, letting you adjust and understand your emotions before speaking up.

“Do you have any plans?” he asked. Being your answer yes or no, he was already plotting a plan of his own. You gave your answer by shaking your head, not daring to lift it from its position. “Alright, we’ll figure things out. I’ll help you with whatever you need until then, okay?”

He pulled away, forcing you to look up at him. He looked at you with soft, careful eyes, eyes that brought you more warmth than his arms ever could. In it, he hoped you’d see that by whatever he meant everything. Everything you needed he’d do it for you.

He’d help you type and edit your résumé, making sure it looked appealing to whatever jobs you were after. He’d take you to all your interviews, always arriving early because it would leave a good impression of you. If you didn’t have much money saved, he’d have you eat at his house, shower, god damn it he’d even let you move in if it meant you wouldn’t worry about money.

He’d ask Bruce for tips to help you get hired, and if your job was something available within Wayne Enterprises, he’d quietly let Bruce know he should consider offering you a position (perhaps threatening him a little just for fun with a gun and full on Red Hood gear).

He’d be the best boyfriend ever because he’d make sure you were cared for during this period, feeding you, treating you to gifts and little outings to forget about job hunting just for a while. He’d also make sure you’d only accept a spot that he saw as valuable, not filler jobs just for the sake of it, but one that could really offer you a good opportunity, career growth and a nice future.

And when the day you arrive home, all happy and excited, rambling out words to let him know that you’d gotten a new job, he’d let out some tears. Proud of his girl, proud of you for never giving up.

[bellofthemeadow]

Blended Heart and Bitter Brews | part 1/?

Masterlist

Summary: Your life was boring, hoping for your big break, you were stuck at Starbucks for what felt like forever. The hot metalhead that just came through your door might just be the amount of shit-stirring fun you've been looking for. (2.4K)

A/N: Hey everyone, first time venturing into the Stranger Things fandom. I know I am late to the party lol, but I was off TUMBLR when the show came out and I've just recently started rewatching it and I had the need to write a series on everyone's favourite metalhead! Hope you all enjoy it and lmy what you think  😊

Warning: Swearing, suggestive language, reference to bratting and brat taming (18+)

Working at Starbucks isn’t the most glamorous job in the world. It wouldn’t even make the top 500 hundred in your opinion. The hours were long, the pay was mediocre at best, and you didn’t even want to think about the tips.

After 3 years on the job, you came to the very scientific conclusion that there was a direct correlation between your empty tip jar and the ungodly amount of Frappuccino you’d have to do on a given day. To the point: right now it was just shy of 2 pm, and you had been making so many of those blended abominations that the front of your apron looked like a unicorn and a leprechaun had an orgy on it. And your tip jar was empty. Go figure.

Starbucks was supposed to be a temporary gig, something to keep the cash flowing between college and your big break. Unfortunately, there was no big break in sight, no producers had called you back because, your sound was “too 80s, but like the wrong 80s” so you were still there serving tweens their daily fix of sugar. You wanted to ram your head on the counter, maybe you should dye your hair platinum and get into pop. Maybe then someone would sign you since the whole metal vibe just wasn’t doing it for anyone. You sighed, just 1 hour and then you’d be free. At least for today, until you’d have to do it all again tomorrow. To avoid having a mental breakdown in the middle of the coffee shop, you distracted yourself by mentally running through the list of things you had to do when you got home:

Go grocery shopping. Nah you were positive you still had fruit loops; Grocery could wait.

Go over your demo. AGAIN

Therapy Oh yeah you couldn’t afford that. Maybe a good crying session to end the night.

Go grocery shopping. Nah you were positive you still had fruit loops; Grocery could wait.  GET BEN & JERRY

Yeah, that should do it.

As you were mentally ticking things off, you heard the shrill voice of a girl at the counter order, “I wanna Venti Caramel Frappuccino with extra whip and a blended cake pop inside. Oh, and with Skim milk!” Of course. Fuck that!

You groaned and pushed your way to the till where the newly hired 19-year-old was taking the order, “Swap with me.” You made sure that your tone left no place for arguments. “Ehhh, I’m taking an order.” Looks like new girl didn’t get the tone memo, “I’ll take the orders from now on, you go work the bar.”

“But I am in the middle of tak…” “Ok look, that’s great, hard-worker is such a good look for you. But I think I’m not making myself clear here; You are going to swap the bar with Me because if I have to make another fucking Frappuccino, I will set this place on fire with everyone inside! Capish?”

Silence.

Suddenly a loud guffaw reverberated from somewhere towards the end of the already long line. Your coworker and the girl at the till looked horrified. But your monumental side-eye was the last nail into the proverbial coffin because Emma didn’t try to argue with you and instead, scurried over to the coffee bar.

Victory.

You turned toward the girl and plastered the fakest smile you could on your face “And what did you say you wanted?” The girl looked like she was going to puke on your counter “… I’ll have a grande latte… Is iced, ok?”

You smiled broadly “One grande ice latte coming right up, did you want skim milk with that?” “Oh no, no. Just regular is fine,” She stuttered.

“Great just gonna need to add your name and that’ll be 4.00 $.” “… Its Josie.” Sacharine smile plastered on your face, “Great Josie, you can go and wait by the bar over there.” You dismissively pointed in the general direction of the farthest end of the bar, “I can take whoever’s next!”

For the next couple of minutes, your other customers were rather accommodating, ordering black coffees and lattes with no mod for once.  “All right next!” You passed down the cup for a “Grande Americano for Josh” toward Emma who was still doing her best to avoid any form of eye contact. You snorted a bit, to say that Emma might be a bit oversensitive was an understatement, maybe you’d apologized after your shift… Maybe.

You turned your eyes to the new customer in line and you couldn’t help but raise a brow at the yummy stud that just stepped up to your till.  You licked your lips appreciatively; the guy must be around your age, with shaggy brown hair, big brown puppy eyes and plush lips you wanted to snap between your teeth. The guy was totally your type too, you spotted how his slightly ripped 1991 “Wherever We May Roam” Metallica tour t-shirt was hiking up his belly revealing a toned stomach. But what really made you salivate was the sight of his numerous tats that decorated both his arms. You could also peek at some hiding under his collar.  Yummy.  

You gave him your best sultry smile, leaned forward, showcasing the unfortunate non-existence of your cleavage as it was all covered by your apron, and coyly purred, "And what can I get you today, handsome?"

Hot dude seemed happy with your flirting as he responded with a reciprocating smile before leaning forward. You were so close that you could almost trace the tattoos (were those bats?!) decorating his forearms. He hummed as though contemplating it, then offered you a sultry smile. You were more than happy to respond with your best fuck-me eyes.

Suddenly his sexy smile transformed into a wide shit-eating grin before he boomed loudly, “I’ll have a Venti Caramel Frappuccino, extra drizzle, extra caramel and extra whipped cream.”

Time stopped. Crickets chirping. Jaw Dropped

What in the actual fuck?!

You jerked your head back and grumbled. Displeasure etched on your face. Hot dude wasn’t so hot anymore as you reluctantly entered the order into the cash register. "Whatshisface" still wore that irritating grin as he leaned forward even further, granting you a clear view of his sharp collarbones. He began to toy with some of the chocolate-covered coffee beans next to your cash register. "You touch it, you buy it," you grumbled.

His Cheshire cat-like grin grew even larger, if that was even possible, and he let out a loud tut. “Aw sweetheart, you don’t have to get all bratty on me. Come on, I know under that little metal act you got goin’ on, you wanna be a good girl for me.” He finished with a little wink that made you want to shove the napkin holder on his stupid handsome face.

“That’ll be 9.85 $” Grin gone. Whatshisface looked completely flabbergasted, “9.85$?!? In what world do you live in that you think its ok to charge so much for a cup of coffee!?” He loudly gasped, affronted.

You flashed your most charming smile and fluttered your eyelashes innocently, much to your delight, you noticed the tips of his ears beginning to blush. In a syrupy tone, you purred “Well sir the caramel, the extra drizzle AND the extra whipped are all extra charges. But I understand if that’s too expensive for you, perhaps you could move over and explore other parts of the menu that are more… within your means.”

Hook, line, and sinker

Hot dude turned an even deeper shade of red and began to rummage through the bag he was carrying, all the while muttering less-than-flattering expletives under his breath. You were fairly certain you heard him mutter a rather pointed “disrespectful little brat,” which senta delicious shiver straight to your core.

You were feeling quite triumphant and began tapping your manicured finger on the counter, a gesture that seemed to further irritate him. After a minute, he forcefully slid a crumpled $20 bill your way, bringing a smug grin to your face. After making a show of counting his change, you grabbed the venti cup and the black Sharpie. “And can I have your name for that?”

“…Eddie.” You slowly captured the cap of the Sharpie between your teeth and started writing his name on the side of the plastic cup. You added a wide smiley next to it for good measure.  You triumphantly noticed that Eddie gaze hadn't wavered from your mouth, as if entranced by the sight of the cap being gripped by your teeth. Maybe he was imagining something else between your lips, you snicker to yourself.

After sliding the cup over to Emma, who appeared as though she had just witnessed a car crash, before hurrying over to start his drink, you coquettishly cooed at him, “Well Eddie,” you made sure to enunciate every word as you tasted how his name felt in your mouth. “I hope you enjoy your… expensive drink, Tip jar is right here.” You gestured with your impeccably black manicured nail towards the nearly empty box "Don't you think I deserve it? After all, I’ve been such a gooood girl for you and did everything you wanted?" You batted your eyelashes, ensuring to add ample emphasis to drive your point home.

As for Eddie, well he looked like he was about to suffocate. Red and blotchy all over, you could also spot some sweat gathering on his forehead. You almost started to pity the poor guy when he tried to stutter out a response to your teasing. Almost.

 In the end, Eddie dropped a couple of ones in the small glass before making his way toward the end of the bar. You also noticed how he had a slightly slouched gait—probably because you'd turn his attempt at embarrassing you on him. He finally stopped in front of where Emma was making his sugared monstrosity. As you were taking the next order, you could feel Eddie’s gaze burning your body. So, you made sure to give him a good show, laughing extra hard at the lame jokes from the college boy you were serving. Bending down a bit too low to grab an extra roll of receipt paper giving him a good view of your shapely ass, drawing large hearts on every cup and flirtatiously referring to every guy in your line with endearments like "sugar" or "handsome."

“A VENTI CARAMEL FRAPPUCINNO WITH EXTRA CARAMEL, EXTRA DRIZZLE AND EXTRA WHIP FOR EATDICK!!!”

“Jesus Christ, no need to scream in my ears like that.” Eddie, looking mortified, snatched his drink before sitting down at one of the empty tables. One of the only ones with a perfect view of the counter. You gleefully observed how Eddie nearly spat out his drink after taking the first sip, probably dying a little bit inside at the taste of the artificial sweeteners that must invaded his mouth.  Quite the smooth move, jackass.

You looked at the time, as your other coworker Jenson joined you behind the bar to relieve you of your minimum wage duties, “I’ll just make myself a drink and then I’m outta here!” You whoop, Jenson acquiesced with a shrugging smile before taking over the till. You shuffle toward the bar area and snicker as you start to make yourself an extra special drink.

“Hey Jenson, can you do something for me real quick after I leave?”

Eddie is grudgingly drinking the caramel monstrosity he ordered. His own fault really, he’s always been a black coffee kind of guy. When he was younger, he started to order it black because it fitted his whole metal vibe; “Black like my soul,” he’d ordered with a wink to the old-timey dinner waitress back in Hawkins. But now that he moved to Indianapolis to chase his music dreams, he realized that he couldn't enjoy coffee unless it was as bitter as the disappointment that people had in him.

While he wasn't usually a Starbucks person, he had stayed up until 4 am this morning after playing a gig downtown. And to top it off, he had to be at work on the dock by 6 am, leaving him with barely any time to sleep in between. At this point, he would have traded his soul for a coffee. So, when he spotted the Starbucks on his way home, he just had to stop. Mindlessly scrolling on his phone for any notifications of Corroded Coffin, you took him right out of his zombie-like trance when you shrieked about setting the place on fire. He hadn’t been able to stifle his laughter at your words. To top it off, you were hot, as fiery as the arson you threatened everyone with. So, when he reached the till and saw that his attraction was completely reciprocated, he couldn't help but tease you a bit.

He just hadn’t banked on you being such a brat. Now he was sitting alone with an almost inedible caramel concoction of his own making, swimming in the bitter disappointment of having made a fool of himself in front of you. As he was simmering in his annoyance, a cup of steaming Americano was placed in front of him. He raised his head fast and looked at the sheepish expression of a lanky guy with a freckled face, “I didn’t order that…”

“Eh, well she made it for you. Told me to give it to you after she left.”

Eddie’s head snapped back to the bar where you had disappeared. A bitter taste of disappointment coated his mouth as he realized he hadn’t even gotten your number, “Thanks, man.” The guy gave him a sharp nod in response before making his way back to the till where a line was slowly forming again.

Eddie took a deep breath, inhaling the tangy smell of the black coffee. Exactly what he needed.  As he was about to take a sip, black writing on the side of the cup got his attention.

Hey hot stuff, You looked like you wanted to put me back in my place back there 😉 I’d like to see you try, call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx -Little brat

A huge grin broke out on Eddie’s face as he took a sip of his coffee, letting the bitter liquid burn down his throat.

Today turned out to be pretty metal after all.

Part 2: The Phone Call

[notstilinski]

Abbott Elementary Starters !

Taken from season two the 2022 ABC series, Abbott Elementary! Some of these have already been edited. You can change them however you see fit! There may be some light spoilers!

“I took it as an opportunity to grow. Not physically, of course, because I can’t reach the top shelves in my apartment.”

“Sea (Name) is very different than Land (Name).”

“If this is what they expect of us, it’s can’t be unrealistic.”

“Are you about to get evicted?!”

“I thought coming into work a full adult would be my solution, but I’m drowning.”

“I get it now. I’m not not a fan.”

“Then why do I have to see Chris Pratt everywhere?!”

“Oh, I don’t do that anymore. Because I’m in therapy and anger management.”

“Oh, we don’t take bribes — That aren’t in the form of money.”

“I think she’s saying I’m a broke boi.”

“(Name), I said that I don’t want to go to a strip club with you.”

“I hope all the kids aren’t here today. Yesterday, almost everybody was in attendance and it almost broke me.”

“You don’t want to be a corny legend.”

“Ya’ll gotta stop playing God with that boy’s life.”

“I’m not in the mood to improve-d at.”

“(Name) tells me I sound like a lesbian. I’m working on that.”

“And one of those is the right side, which is mine.”

“Are you two in a fight? Looks like ya’ll in a fight.”

“Poison? You know I ain’t poisoning anybody. If I’m taking someone out, I want to watch them go.”

“I’m starting to think that I didn’t grow into the person I’m proud of because of it, but maybe I did despite of it.”

“What’s that I taste? The taste of sweet victory?”

“Who does everybody get so surprised when I say I’ll help? I’m a professional.”

“You time yourself going to the second floor?”

“It don’t count if I don’t have my Fitbit on.”

“I haven’t seen you this made since the bartender cut you off at the batting cages.”

“Disguises, crime, looking hot? These are my specialities.”

“Okay, well, thank you for the donation to my mouth.”

“I’m just one of those people where chaos really affects my mood so I’m just gonna call it a day.”

“Ghost, ghouls and new friends.”

“Oh, like y’all came tell these moderately attractive white men with bears apart.”

“You truly do have the taste of a middle aged midwestern mama.”

“And now you’ve made me an accessory.”

“I Googled it. But I like to maintain that aura of dark mystery.”

“This is cutting into my pre happy hour hour.”

“All these wasted eggs when the (Name) is in town. Now I’ve got to throw a Molotov cocktail at their bus.”

“And I want to shield them with the best defense: Positivity.”

“The emergency is… I don’t feel like it right now.”

“Merry Capitalism to you all.”

“You know what? They’re a lot like paint fumes. Small doses? Fine — Even somewhat enjoyable. But too much just gives you a headache.”

“Yeah, after I introduce myself, you know. Start dating, get super clingy, abs go through his phone he might be.”

“That’s right. Now go ahead and make Juvenile proud.”

“Is that my work husband grinding on my work nemesis?”

“I’m sorry, you look like you’re in deep thought.”

“I drink a lot of Snapple so I kind of know some facts.”

“I know plenty of people who have counted me out before and, while I have absolutely no way of confirming this, I’m positive they’re all dead.”

“Sorry, so your- You dad, he hired an actor to play his child instead of just asking you?”

“Don’t look at me like that, he gave me his number.”

“I was both the hostage negotiator and the hostage.”

“Well, I’m a pacifist. You mess with me, I’ll pass a fist across your face.”

“We are watching the first Toy Story because the third one makes me cry.”

“What in the Earth, Wind and Fire is going on here?!”

“Okay. She’s robbed a child.”

“Aw. Disposable income.”

“Do you want to pinch my cheeks? My mom says it helps.”

“Well, that was before I realized that I have an insecure attachment style. I now recognize it for the disdain that it is.”

“I don’t think an adult has ever apologized to me before.”

“I will kick your (Name)-loving Valentine’s Day ass right out of this building.”

“Shame. So hot, yet so annoying.”

“I am one minor inconvenience away from putting this whole day in rice.”

“Mandates are nothing more than fervent suggestions.”

“Just because you got a round face like the Teletubbies sun baby doesn’t mean that the world revolves around you.”

“It’s cool that no matter what I do, no one is happy.”

“Let’s say that (Name) has a bubbly personality to cover up deep-seated mommy issues.”

“The silver lining about dating is that you only have to be correct about someone /once./“

“Last night, as the kids would say, was a film.”

“That is bisexual erasure. I expected better from you.”

“You’re a dork but you’re messy.”

“Weird cash floating around? Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

“Come on. Let’s go bully some sensitive artists.”

“Now you two need to get on board. Who we fighting first?”

“That’s why Mothers Day was invented. So less mothers would leave their families.”

“Don’t give Jesus my credit.”

“Nothing good has ever come from nerds whispering.”

“It’s because you abandon people, and it’s nice to finally hear you say it out loud.”

“People had hopes for you, and they gave up on me!”

“I get why you left (Name), it just kind of felt like you left me, too.”

“My night terrors have spread into day terrors. I can’t tell if I’m asleep right now or if this is some kind of waking nightmare.”

“Why can’t you ever give me credit for a good idea?”

“My lies don’t discriminate.”

“Never have I been so happy to hear such explicit content.”

“At the end of the day, they have to decide who they want to be. And this one decided to be a jackass.”

“So what you’re going to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, come back here tomorrow and do your job.”

“People have thrown dirt on my name, others have given flowers. It’s all a garden to me.”

“I love the company of others. But I’m trying to like my own.”

“I’m just gonna go back to avoiding her and never asking her for anything.”

“You would beat my ass, wouldn’t you?”

“The key to never getting your ass beat? Knowing when someone can beat your ass.”

“Note to self: New way to manipulate. Step one: have a daughter. Step two: Play the long game.”

“I’m a master forager. My speciality? Mushrooms.”

“I don’t know how to leave this conversation.”

“I’m counting on those tiny fists for very precise blows.”

“Yeah. I take all your recommendations seriously — I want to know why you like stuff.”

“Uh-uh. I don’t like clanks in bags. Clank-clank leads to clink-clink.”

“No wonder your dad’s a landscaper, the way you beat around the bush.”

“You need to be better at hiding things with your face.”

“Everybody I like knows it. (Name) and Diego Luna has seen my tweets.”

“If I don’t get a smooth eleven hours, I get a little handsy.”

[desidarling123]

If you haven't read this expose already, please do, because it's NUTS.

TLDR; Hasan Minhaj admitted to fully just. Lying. About things that, until recently, he posited as things that actually happened to him.

Some of the craziest excerpts from this article (imo)

But was his invention of a traumatic experience with his child or with law-enforcement entrapment distasteful, given the moral heft of those things, and the fact that other people have actually experienced them? “It’s grounded in truth,” Minhaj said. “But it didn’t happen to you,” I replied.

Dude. DUDE. What the fuck?!?!

There’s a palpable discomfort among comedians when they are asked to comment on another person’s art—a sort of code of omertà. But a number of writers and performers who spoke with me bristled at Minhaj’s moralizing posture. “He tonally presents himself as a person who was always taking down the despots and dictators of the world and always speaking truth to power,” one former “Patriot Act” employee said. “That’s grating.”

Yeah, this always drove me crazy about his style, but now coupled with the truth that he's been making half his shit up? Fucking insidious.

“If he’s lying about real people and real events, that’s a problem,” the writer said. “So much of the appeal of those stories is ‘This really happened.’ ”

Exactly. Hasan's whole claim to fame is being a "truth-teller" so discovering how much of his stories are lies... yikes!

Many stories on the cancellation also mentioned a series of tweets from former female employees of color alluding to their poor work experience behind the scenes. A document reviewed by The New Yorker revealed that three women had hired an attorney and threatened litigation against Netflix and “Patriot Act” ’s production company, alleging gender discrimination, sex-based harassment, and retaliation.

I remember when these came out. My IRL acquaintances did not really believe it, but I definitely felt odd about it. No smoke without fire...

Oh, and this ending fucking FLOORED ME.

When we spoke, I asked, were he to get “The Daily Show” hosting job, if his fabrications could put him in a compromised position when commenting on someone such as George Santos. Minhaj brushed the question off. “I think, when George Santos says he’s on the volleyball team, it’s a pointless story,” he responded. Minhaj’s “fiction” was always in service to a bigger point, putting him in a different moral category than Santos. He appeared unwilling to engage with the idea that his position in the comedic landscape is unique, or that the host of a comedy news show might be held to more stringent standards of accuracy across his body of work. When it came to his stage shows, he told me, “the emotional truth is first. The factual truth is secondary.” ♦

What a bunch of word scramble to justify.... not telling the truth? "Emotional truth", what a load of garbage. It's fucking identical to the same concept "Alternative Facts" the Far-Right was pushing so hard on us just years ago.

As a POC I find this especially rankling because we fight so hard for our stories to be heard... only for some fucking rando to not just co-opt those experiences and traumas, but fully... make them up? And claim them as his own? For clout?!?!?

What a mess. Unlikely to hurt his career (unfortunately) but goddamn.

[minshookie]

Pillow Fight.

Pairing |Bully!Jungkook x reader

Genre | smut, angst.

Summary | “Another day spent babysitting your bully’s little sister...you should really quit but the pay is just too good.”

!warnings! | 18+ mature language, bullying, mentioned sexual acts, mentions of past bullying, NON-CON,financial struggle, Jungkook is a really shitty big brother.

| this is not in anyway shape or form a true depiction or representation of BTS, this is a work of fiction and is not to be taken seriously. For entertainment purposes only.|

(this is my work, please don’t repost or steal)

Requested [open for request] words: 1k.

A/N: I rewrote this so many times! Lmfaoo! Buuut get ready because some of requests yall sent in are 🥵🥵.

“Orange is your best color.” Aera chirped dragging the paint drowned brush along your pinky nail. “I think you’re just saying that because it’s your favorite.” The young girl giggles continuing to color your fingertips. “Uhm are you staying all night miss y/n?” Nodding you brushed back her wild strands of hair softly with your free hand. “Soooo like a sleep over?!” She squeals closing the bottle of nail polish, her eyes glittering as she gazes into yours intent for answers. “Yeah!” You matching her energy only made her more excited, “yay! And-and can Jungkookie Oppa come?!” She bounced on her knees smiling ear to ear, fumbling over her words.

“Oh...Jungkook huh... Hmm what about no boys aloud?” You planted the idea praying she’d take the bait as you started cleaning her toy makeup, giving her a chance to think it over.

“What? Jungkook isn’t a boy, he’s my brother!” Giggling she pounced from the couch striding towards his room. At this point all you could do is laugh at her innocent lack of logic. She looks so happy who are you to burst her little bubble, for all you know Jungkook might want nothing to do with the both of you and your little mock slumber party.

Closing the toy purse you hid it back away in the large toy chest she pulled from her room, leaving it open you cleared the floor of the multicolored blocks and dolls. A whisper of a laugh escapes your lips as you overhear Aera’s begs and pleas mixed with Jungkook’s refusals....but finally the door creaks.

Please no. “Y/n, guess what?!” She drags your name out as her small foot steps pitter the floor, Jungkook’s thudding. She comes down the hall pulling Jungkook by his middle finger. “As if you weren’t undesirable enough, neon nails really helped it out.” Grumbling he throws himself on the couch you just tidied up. “Nice to see you again too Kook.”Aera bounced on her toes watching us have confrontation, unaware of the negative connotations.

Truth is you hadn’t seen Jungkook since you left for college and you hadn’t planned on seeing him ever again...that is until relationships fell apart, your roommate left and things got hard to pay for, and you were two bills away from being homeless. the job up at university paid $9.50 an hour while the busy Jeons still offered $12.00 the choice was clear. Take a little break, live with family, get back on your feet, and try again. But little did you know Jungkook decided to stay local with his schooling.All this aside the work was easy since Aera had grown a bit, but the thought of dealing with the person that made your life hell for four years made you want to quit daily.

“Can I do your nails Too?!” “No Aera, now be cute and get me something to drink.” He orders putting his feet on the coffee table eyeing you up and down,disgustingly. “No Aera I’ll get it.” You grabbed her shoulder. “No y/n! I’ll do it, I’ll do it quickly!” Setting free she bolted for the kitchen.

“So, you went to college got broke and came back sniveling to my rich parents?” You rolled your eyes, looking in the direction of the kitchen for any sign of Aera. “I thought you would’ve out grown your asshole phase, that’s very high school of you Kook.” He scoffed defensively, “and you using babysitting as your main income is high school of you, what happened your little rapper boyfriend leave you high and dry?” “You shut the fuck up.” You snapped back my reflex. He held his hands up in defense, “Suga blew up and left you in the shit show not my fault.” We argued in hushed tones as Aera ran back into sight.

“Here you go kookie!” She handed Jungkook the can of Coke, heaving for air. “Aera this is warm, cold...I want something cold, go try again.” He handed her the can, “oh okay Oppa sorry!” And off she was back down the hall. He turned back to me, “why’d he leave you...couldn’t make him bust?” you tried to hide it but his words stung, you’d been avoiding anything to do with Yoongi since he’d ghosted you weeks before you left for college. Bigger things waited for him in the world of fame, and you weren’t in the blueprint.

“Fuck you Jungkook.” “Come try it bitch.” Smirking he was satisfied with himself as you stood almost defeated. “Oh I forgot you’re scared of sex.” “Leave the high school rumors behind...ran out a material? Maybe you should get out more.” He rolled his eyes scoffing, “shut up before I make you.” “You like to pretend I’m still afraid you...make me, little boy...since you insist on being one.”

Jungkook’s come back was cut short by the thumping of Aera’s feet. “Kookie!Kookie! Ice! I got it all by myself!” She gave the cup of ice to Jungkook and then the Coke. “Good job, now pour it.” He handed them back and you took it from her small clutches much to Jungkook’s disliking. You poured him the drink, pushing his feet off the small table and placing the glass. “She’s not your little slave Jungkook.” He kept eye contact picking up the glass, “you’re right she’s not, you...go get me a coaster now or you’re fired.” His eyebrow arched cockily, his free hand waving you away. “As if! You can’t fire me Jungkook.” He got Aera sitting her on the couch beside him as she caught her breath. “Is that so? Try me, my parents might have hired you but you work for us...now work.” His gaze alone told you he wasn’t playing with you anymore.

Angered you stormed to kitchen pulling a coaster from the table before swiftly Turing on your heels, almost jumping out of you skin as you met face to face with Jungkook. “What the fuck do you want now?” “You said some shit I didn’t like.” You threw the coaster back on the marbled table, “I wish you’d grow up already.” You atempt to go past him but his muscular arm halts your plans. “I have to go do my job-” “I put on her show she’ll be good for the next hour.”

You don’t remember Jungkook being so brooding he looked down at you, his new tall posture slightly off putting yet attractive. “What now, you wanna talk it out?” You walked away siting at the island, “I’ll leave you be if you leave me to do my job Kook.” He came behind you, trapping you in his arms. Tattoos, he’d change a lot but not enough to leave you alone.

“I see you came and got the coaster, scared of me now?” What an ass, “no I need this job.” He hummed from behind you, no sign of him letting you go. “You know y/n, you’ve grown quite a bit.” You became more and more uncomfortable by the second, his breathing became deeper. “I’m aware, so have you.” Rudely he became handsy, groping your breast earning a shocked reaction. “Jungkook please-” “scared of me?” He squeezed you with a little too much force making you give a Yelp, he had you trapped, you were nothing but a game to him. “Shhh shh don’t want to startle my baby sister while she rests...that wouldn’t be very babysitter like of you now would it?”

Silent what could you even say? He had you trapped, your position less than hopeless he’d made you feel small and that’s exactly what he wanted. He’s always wanted that ever since you’d met him, and he always succeeds. He intruded under your top, skating his chilled hand over your skin leaving cold bumps in his wake he held your bra covered breast.

You griped his unexposed wrist trying at escape, knowing fully how downhill this could get. “Oh is the brave girl afraid?” “N-no your hands are cold as Ice Jungkook...please stop.” You lied continuing to push his muscular arm. “Oh? Let me warm them for you.” He removed his hand from the island almost causing you to topple over. Reaching down he found himself with his hand now between your legs fiddling with the pant button. “Jungkook! Please no!” His hand along your chest he pulled you back into his sculpted figure.

“You must not value your job as much as you say, scream again and you’ll be broke and fucked over and to think I actually liked you a bit.” He came to your ear, sniffing your hair eerily. “Little did I know how much of a bitch you were, I loved you when you were shy.” He finally got through your button, getting to your panties he gave you a two fingered massage along your core, you strained not to react to the unwanted pleasure. “Look at you pathetic and wet I bet you’re so needy I could make you cum right here.” He began to focus his nimble fingers on your aching clit. “Fucking stop it.” You could only whimper. “Why should I, we’re old enough now and you’re sopping through your panties I know you want it.”

He invaded under your bra, fondling your hardening bud. “I loved you when you were weak and innocent...I know she’s hiding deep inside of you, the little girl that would cry over me-”

“Miss y/n! I’m tired!” Her voice softly called from the living room. Saved by an angel, finally Jungkook stoped his assault backing off of you with a groan. “You’ll meet me in my room when she’s in bed, or else.” He grumbled leaving you behind to collect yourself, how could bad get so much worse?

[crackedoutwalnut]

woah can you maybe please write a prequel with wanda x r getting together, and maybe carol and nat meeting r for the first time? (in reference to that amazing last post of yours!!)

A/N: Okay soooo this took a little bit longer than expected lol,,, I tried incorporating Wanda and R meeting but it was nearly 7,000 words before I even got to Carol and Nat meeting R. (Also the writing was horrible) so I scrapped that and started over with just Carol and Nat meeting R.

Warnings: gun wounds and blood.

Word Count: 3k

Read the first one here.

--

"Do we have to tell them? I don't see why we can't just live our entire lives without Natasha and Carol knowing."

Wanda looked over at you with a raised brow, "Y/n, you are overreacting. Natasha and Carol can be a bit protective," you shot her an incredulous look.

"A bit?"

"-But, it isn't like they will kill you. Now stop pacing; you are wearing a track into the carpet." You halted your nervous loop and rubbed a hand over our face. Wanda's roommates and self-proclaimed mother figures were on their way back home from a mission. They had been gone for a few weeks, and the job had gone off without a hitch. In an uncharacteristic display of optimism, your girlfriend suggested that this would be the best time to tell them about your relationship. They were bound to be in a great mood from the mission's success so, the chances of them killing you were slimmer. Hopefully.

Outside of missions and monthly SHIELD meetings, you had little to no interaction with the two superheroes. The only one-on-one conversations you have had with Natasha or Carol have crashed and burned with you stammering and avoiding eye contact until awkwardly parting ways.

Wanda, having read your anxious thoughts, cradled your face in her hands and smiled. "Sweetie, I'm sure they will love you. Now, we have a decent amount of time before they get back..." she trailed off and moved her hands so that they looped around your neck. Your girlfriend tilted her head so that her lips were barely grazing your jawline. "We should use that time productively." Shuddering, you scrambled to straddle her lap with your thighs. Wanda chuckled at your eagerness and captured your lips with her own.

You arched your back and leaned further against her as she traced her hands up and down your back. You let out a small gasp as she settled them against your ass. Then, squeezing playfully, she grinned into the kiss and slipped her tongue past your parted lips. You pulled away and let out a breathy, "Cheater."

Wanda nipped lightly at your lower lip before poking out her lip in a fake pout. "Oh, I know. I'm awful."

You scowled and clenched your thighs and fists, using your leverage to switch your positions; you pinned her against the couch cushions. "And mean," you pecked a kiss against her jaw, "and terrible," a harsh bite to her collarbone, "and a bully." Wanda arched her back into your body as you continued to pepper her neck with slow kisses. You wrapped your arms around her back and moved her legs so that they were locked around your waist. Sitting up, you hastily pinned her against the window sill.

Wanda gasped and clutched at the back of your shirt, "Oh, you are going to be in so much trouble after this."

You lapped and sucked at the pale column of her neck for a moment before parting to peer up at her with a smug grin. "Says who?"

Wanda reached up to trail her thumb over the bottom of your lip before leaning in closer to your ear, "Keep kissing me like that, and I might consider not turning that perky little ass black and blue." You smothered your breathy moan in the crook of her neck. Quickly, you grasped at the hem of her shirt and tugged it over her head. Wanda followed suit by returning the favor.

You opened your mouth to say something else when both of you froze. The front door had slammed open. Before either of you could react, there was a sound of tramping boots, and suddenly, you were sent flying across the room by a strong hand. Gasping, you slid across the carpet and landed against the opposite wall. Your vision cleared to reveal Black Widow and Captain Marvel standing over you in a fighting position.

Wanda quickly ran over to the two of them and wedged herself between you and your surprise assailants. "Wait! She's not an attacker, I promise!"

Carol loosened lightly. However, she did not drop her fists, "We saw you struggling through the window and assumed there had been an attack."

You could not see your girlfriend's face from your vantage point on the floor; however, you assumed it was glowing red. The witch sheepishly crossed her arms over her bare stomach. She was wearing nothing but black pajama shorts and a matching bra. In any other situation, that would be enough to have you opening your legs then and there. However, after tonight you had no inclination to have sex ever again. "Natasha, Carol, this is my girlfriend, Y/n," she gestured to you as you scrambled to your feet.

Despite being dressed in a sports bra and sweatpants, you felt naked as two pairs of eyes settled on you. "Hi," you squeaked, offering a small wave.

Carol's eyes lit up in recognition, "You're that nervous little hacker Fury hired awhile back."

You felt your cheeks heat as you looked down at the carpet, "That's me."

Natasha's look of shock slowly morphed into a grin that one could only describe as sadistic. "So, if no one was under attack, that means..."

Wanda buried her face in her hands, "Please do not finish that sentence."

The assassin held her hands up in surrender, the smirk never leaving her face. "I didn't say anything. Now let's sit down- with all of our clothes on- and talk about this." You kept your gaze glued to the floor as you snatched your shirt and pulled it back on. You sat down next to Wanda, careful not to let any of your body touch hers. Glancing up, you saw Carol and Natasha peering down at you like a hawk would a field mouse.

"How did you two meet?" Natasha asked, folding her arms over her chest.

Wanda scratched the back of her neck, "We met in our programming class and then again at an on-campus coffee shop."

"And how did you hide this from a former Kree soldier and an assassin?" Carol asked.

"I would usually invite her over when you and Nat were away on missions," the witch explained.

"So this isn't the first time you have attempted to stain our new sofa?" Natasha asked. You suspected the question was rhetorical.

"Wanda, could you go upstairs for a minute? We would like to have a little chat with miss Y/n alone," the assassin requested, a too-sweet smile on her face.

You looked over at Wanda, silently pleading for her not to leave. Despite being telepathic, Wanda ignored your internal screeching and nodded, "I'll be in my room." As you watched her go, you started praying to whatever deity was up in the sky to keep you safe.

Natasha and Carol sat down on either side of you, shark-like grins on their faces. "So, Y/n, what are your plans for dating Wanda?" Carol asked, peering down her nose at you.

"Uh, what do you mean?" You shrunk further into the crack in the cushions. The back of your neck had started becoming slick and hot with nervous sweat as you looked anywhere but at the two women.

"I'm sure you are aware of Wanda's past and how much she has lost. The last thing we would want is for you to... reopen old wounds," Natasha said. Her voice was like sharpened steel as she stared you down.

Your eyes widened in shock as you looked over at her, "I would never hurt her, miss. Wanda is the first real relationship I have ever had, and I have no intentions of screwing that up."

Carol sighed and rested a hand on your shoulder. You nearly jumped out of your skin at the sudden contact. "You seem like a nice kid, Y/n. But, if you ever have sex in our living room again, knowing we'll be coming home soon. It will be the last thing you ever do."

You nodded and looked down at your lap. "Yes, ma'am."

--

From that day on, your interactions with Natasha and Carol were even more painful than before. Because, now the two had taken to "hazing" you, as Wanda described it. They would walk up behind you as silent as a panther ready to attack before barking an order at you. Every time this happened, you would nearly fall out of your seat, completely messing up whatever work you were doing on your computer. Usually, it would be something as simple as getting them a coffee- a task that was typically reserved for the interns. However, you scampered off without complaint and grabbed them what they needed from the breakroom.

"They will settle down, Y/n," Wanda assured. She was sitting on your desk, completely disrupting the research you were currently doing on one of your monitors. Her chunky combat boots were propped up on the armrest of your desk chair as she used her magic on a pen resting across from her.

"Natasha and Carol hate me, Wan," you groaned.

Wanda snickered and flicked the hovering pen at you with a streak of red magic. You huffed and pushed it away. "They don't hate you. If they really did not like you dating me, you would have been fired from SHIELD already. Nat and Carol can be protective, that's all. I think they are actually quite fond of you."

You scoffed, "That might be pushing it."

"I'm serious. Whenever you come up in conversation, they will always refer to you as my 'little hacker' or 'that cute nerd.'" Wanda hopped off your desk and planted a sweet kiss onto your cheek.

"They will grow to accept you, I promise."

--

That acceptance came on a rather stressful mission. It was your first time out in the field, and you were armed with nothing but a handgun and a taser. Your job was to hack into the terrorist organization's database and steal information about the location of their bombs and alien tech. In addition, Natasha, Carol, and Wanda were sent with you to rescue valuable hostages the terrorists were keeping in the basement of their HQ.

Natasha was sent with you for protection, much to Wanda's displeasure. The idea of leaving you alone in a den of wolves made the witch want to wrap you up in a blanket and run out of there. However, Carol needed Wanda's abilities to get to the hostages. So, that is how you found yourself shimmying through a ventilation shaft behind Black Widow. It was unbearably hot in the vents as you tried to maneuver through in sweat-slicked clothes. Your hair was clinging to your face in wet strands as you backed up to allow Natasha to kick open the slatted hatch below you.

She hopped down and looked around the security room before motioning for you to leap down. With far less grace, you jumped down to the tiled floor with a muffled grunt. Then, sliding into a desk chair that sat in front of over twenty different monitors, you set to work. Your fingers flew over the keys as you glared a the screens in front of you.

"How are we doing, Y/n?" Natasha called over her shoulder. Her gun readied in her hands.

"They have really advanced firewalls," you grunted. "But, I think I can figure a way around them."

"I hear footsteps," the assassin called. "Hurry up back there."

Your hands were cramped painfully as you reached into your pocket to grab a flash drive. Shoving it into the USB port, you fired off the last few commands. As a loading screen popped up, the metal door to the security room boomed open. You leaped out of your chair, hand reaching for your gun immediately. Six armed soldiers charged towards you, and the Black Widow with firearms and other weapons raised.

Natasha pivoted on her feet and kicked one of the men's guns from his hands. The rifle skittered across the tile and landed near the desk. Without looking back, Natasha shouted, "Get the flash drive, and go."

You glanced at the half-complete loading screen that was flashing a 5-minute timer. "What about you?" Natasha didn't reply, instead opting to turn her focus back to the man she was currently wrestling to the floor. Two other soldiers surrounded her while the three remaining ran towards you.

Scrambling to remember any combat you had learned in SHIELD training, you slammed your taser against one of their temples. The man convulsed and fell away from you with a cry of agony. Your hands shook violently as you tripped over the desk chair to recover the now complete flash drive. Another scar-faced man grasped at the back of your neck and pulled you towards him. You grunted and squirmed in his grip as the other one raised a gun to your head.

A loud bang sounded, and the gunman was toppling to the ground, blood leaking from his neck. The man holding you fell to the floor with the sound of another gunshot. You stumbled forward, away from the bodies. Grabbing the flash drive, you turned to face Natasha. Your relief was cut short when you saw a man, seemingly playing dead on the ground as he aimed his gun towards the assassin's head.

Crying out, you lunged into action faster than you could think. Your strides cleared the room in two healthy bounds as you tackled the soldier. You managed to get in two good kicks and a headbutt before another sickening bang echoed through the room. It took you a minute to register that the blow did not come from Natasha. You stumbled back and slowly peered down at your stomach. A stain of crimson was now leaking from a hole in your shirt.

Your vision grew bleary, and your ears were stuffed with cotton. Was that red stain new? You thought dimly as your feet fell from under you. You heard another shot, now much fuzzier and far off. Then, before your body could hit the floor, you felt two strong arms scoop you up. No, you decided, that stain had not always been there. It was blood; you were bleeding.

"Oh," you muttered, looking down at your leaking abdomen. "Thass not good," you slurred, peering up at the person carrying you.

Your brain vaguely registered them as Natasha. She looked down at you with an expression you had never quite seen before. "You have to stay awake for me. Can you do that?" Her request was quiet and strangely shaky.

You furrowed your brows; Natasha was never shaky about anything. You didn't like it. "Iss alrigh' Nat, you aren' hurt. What 'swrong?" If the assassin wasn't injured, then why was she crying? The Black Widow never cried.

"I know I'm not hurt, kid. That isn't the problem," she assured you with a humorless chuckle.

You winced as her running jostled your wound, "I think 'm hurt, Widow. Hurt real bad." Tears gathered in your eyes at the agony radiating from the hole in your abdomen.

"You're going to be alright, sweetie. I promise." Natasha held you closer to her chest.

"I'm glad I got to you, though," you continued. "Cause you and Carol already don' like me so, you definitely wouldn' be happy if I failed you."

You felt Natasha's hand go to cradle the back of your head. A gentle kiss was placed on the crown of your head. "We don't hate you, I promise. You're a really sweet kid. I'm really proud that Wanda found you."

Despite the black dots consuming your vision, you felt your chest explode with joy. "'N Carol too?"

Natasha chuckled, "Yeah, and Carol too." Then, as the last of your vision faded, you felt a smile rest on your face.

--

The first thing you registered when you awoke was the sound of beeping. It was annoying as all hell and caused the pain in your skull to worsen. You were warm, almost to the point of discomfort, and your abdomen was radiating a numb tingling. Almost as if it wasn't there at all.

Cracking your eyes open, you took in the dim room around you. It was a bedroom made up of plain oak furniture and eggshell walls. A guest room, maybe? Beside you was an IV that was hooked up to your forearm and a heartrate monitor. On the bedside table was a vase of expensive-looking flowers and an orange pill bottle.

You peeled back the three blankets that had been stacked on top of you to see a thick layer of gauze wrapped around your stomach. You were dressed in a sports bra and Captain America shield boxer shorts. Where was everyone? Who was everyone? Gritting your teeth, you slid out of bed. Nauseating pangs threatened to buckle you as you gripped at the IV stand next to you. You limped towards the door, the metal stand used as a makeshift cane. You scrambled to open the door with clammy hands. Once you stepped into the hallway, you realized where you were—Wanda's house.

"Wan? Are you here?" You called, your voice hoarse. Down the hall, to your right, you heard two doors fly open. Natasha, Carol, and Wanda came rushing out, eyes wild with concern.

"Babe, what the hell are you doing out of bed," your girlfriend asked, hands hovering around you as if you were a house of cards. You attempted to bat her hands away before stumbling slightly at the effort.

Carol rushed to your side and wrapped an arm around your waist. "Shit, kid, take it easy. Don't want to reopen that bullethole, do we?"

"What happened? Did we get the flash drive," you looked between the three of them.

Wanda shook her head and started leading you back to the guest bed. "Of course, that's the first thing you are worried about after nearly dying." She gently settled you back into bed and pulled the covers back over your body. "But, yes, the flash drive and the hostages are safe in Fury's possession, thanks to you."

You scoffed, "I'm just the techy. I didn't really do anything," you shrugged. "Besides, you three were the muscle."

Natasha scoffed and stepped forward, "You saved my life, Y/n."

Picking at a loose thread on the blanket, you shook your head, "I wouldn't go that far. I'm sure you could have handled it."

The assassin shook her head, "I didn't realize that he was still alive until you were on top of him."

Carol smiled and ruffled your hair, "You did good, kid. Thanks for saving my wife." Your answering grin was nearly blinding.

[findingjoynweirdstuff]

Dream SMP Recap (March 29/2021) - Drista and the Second Shulker

For the first time since August, Dream streamed on the SMP! Or more specifically, with Drista taking over.  

And as usual when Drista visits, things get interesting: The server now has a second shulker box. Ranboo and Foolish make some negotiations over the ownership of it.

Hannah and Sam threaten to blow up the cat cafe where Niki, HBomb and Antfrost work, and Hannah gets officially hired as Sam’s bank manager.

---

VOD LINKS:

Ponk

Dream

Hannah

Connor

Ranboo

Captain Puffy

---

- Dream (with Drista) runs around on the SMP. He sees the new Nether Hub and then the giant Kinoko Kingdom poster and is surprised at how nice everything looks.

- They VC Ranboo and Dream/Drista start fighting an Enderman (”Ranboo”)

- The Enderman kills them and they respawn in the prison. L

- Dream fills Drista in on Ranboo and Tubbo’s marriage

- Dream teleports himself to Ranboo, who is outside next to Bee ’n’ Boo. This is definitely how he canonically gets out of prison

- Ranboo tells him to not blow up too many things and then leaves

- Dream explores the hotel

- Jack joins the came and comes to the hotel. Dream hides behind a wall.

- Quackity joins the call

- Jack finds him and welcomes him to his hotel

- Dream/Drista breaks the window and jumps out

- They go back up the hotel and teleport Quackity over

- Then they /kill Jack and /tp him back

- Then Jack gets banned (and unbanned)

- Jack points out that Dream should be in prison. Drista says no and gives Quackity creative mode for three seconds

- Quackity asks for creative back, they start hitting Dream to send him back to prison, then Jack gets banned again and Quackity tries to start an offline hype train

- Quackity gets /killed

- Quackity says to get Dream back to jail again. Drista doesn’t know what Dream did, so Quackity fills her in on the fact that he tortures Dream every day (he pulls out the shears)

- Drista /kills both of them

Quackity: “I don’t even know where my moral compass on stands right now, because you’re not reassuring me if the things I’m doing are right or wrong, so.”

Drista: “Well, you’re naked, so you’re doing something wrong.”

- Foolish comes over, Quackity and Jack leave. Dream says hi to Foolish and George joins the call

- Foolish tells Drista that he’s working on a mansion, and she looks homeless, so if she just gives him a shulker box…

- George gets /tp’d over and whispers to give him stuff

- George says he has nothing but a seed and a plank. Drista gives him a diamond, a piece of honeycomb, some dirt, two pieces of leather, a block of dried kelp

- Drista offers Foolish that she flips a coin. Either he loses everything on him, or gets a shulker box. If Foolish loses his things, George gets it all but isn’t allowed to give it back to Foolish

- Dream gets a coin and asks if Foolish is sure about this. Foolish agrees.

- Dream flips the coin.

- Foolish gets the shulker box!

It’s lime green.

- George wants to make a deal as well, 50/50. 

He’s got, from his Ender Chest, a trident, an enchanted golden apple, three mending books, Netherite boots, a Netherite shovel, gold, a whole stack of golden apples, emeralds, a Netherite ingot, a creeper head, a speed potion, several music discs and “Taco Bell” by Dream, the Fundy Finisher and the bathwater offered up 50/50 for maxed-out full Netherite with tools

- Dream agrees to the deal and flips the coin.

- George loses.

Dream: “He made a deal with the devil and he lost!”

- George runs away into Ninja’s house and stares sadly at the bed, then logs out

- Dream gives a little speech thanking everyone for 20 million subscribers!

- Hannah and Sam see the cat cafe and agree that it’s worse than George’s house. Sam hands Hannah some TNT

- Hannah tries to spare UwU from Sam’s wrath as he rigs the place with TNT and asks HBomb for permission to blow it up

- Hannah tries to rescue the other cats

- Niki logs on and Sam tries to frame Hannah

- Hbomb logs on too and the two destroy the TNT. He says as prison warden, Sam should be a better role model

- Hannah tries to convince them that it wasn’t her

- Sam suggests they blow up Hannah’s house

- Hannah tries to negotiate for a cut of the bank’s earnings. Sam says no. Hannah then asks if she could work at the bank. Sam agrees to employ her.

- Hannah asks for a wage but Sam doesn’t agree. He says he’s just giving her a place to work.

- Hannah asks for a manager position. Sam agrees to make her Bank Manager.

- They start chasing HBomb around. HBomb threatens the skeleton horses, then says that if anything happens to the cat cafe, Hannah’s house is going down. Sam says he would fire her.

- HBomb leaves and Sam and Hannah try to heal the skeleton horse

- Ranboo has a plan to fill a chest with emerald blocks.

- Foolish asks Ranboo to speak for a bit

- Foolish tells him that he needs to sell Ranboo the shulker box, and then have Ranboo permanently rent it out to him

- Foolish says he’ll give Ranboo two Netherite blocks for it. Whenever anyone asks who the owner is, the owner will be Ranboo. Foolish is worried.

- Foolish arrives at Ranboo’s house.

- They draft up a book of negotiations transferring ownership of the lime-green shulker box to Ranboo

- Ranboo points out that this will put him in danger, so the payment has to be substantial, for dealing with the amount of danger. He knows, because of the document, people might try and get him to hand it over when war starts to go around.

- He tells Foolish that he’s already very rich, and Foolish is already building a house for him.

Ranboo: “That’s the thing, Foolish, is that...what is worth security, you know? What is worth giving up a small potential sense of security in order to be able to be able to have your -- of course you -- have the shulker box and everything, and me being the fall guy for it, of course, ‘cause that means that I’m gonna have to get involved in stuff that I’m probably not gonna get involved in at all, that I probably wouldn’t have gotten involved with at all if I wanted to.”

- Ranboo points out all his riches

- Ranboo wants two things: one, to not quit the building project anymore.

- The second...

Ranboo: “When stuff happens on this server, people always...choose sides, they always try to figure out their own morality and everything, they try to figure out ‘oh, I should be on this side, I should be on that side.’ 

The one thing that I ask from you, Foolish, is that if that ever happens...if you are ever doing something in which there are clear-cut sides...it’s gonna basically be...let’s just say a war favor."

-  If something, not even necessarily involving Ranboo, happens, then Foolish has to do something for him, but it wouldn’t have to do with the shulker box.

- Foolish asks that it not be murder. Ranboo says it won’t be.

- It could even just be delivering a message for Ranboo where it would look bad if he delivered it himself. In any case, it wouldn’t put Foolish in danger.

- Foolish is glad that it would never involve killing somebody else. He can’t do that anymore, can’t go back to that path...

- Ranboo tells Foolish to take a break from the mansion if he needs.

- Ranboo writes in the contract that he is the rightful owner of the box, but agrees to rent out the shulker box indefinitely in exchange for favors agreed upon off the record. 

Ranboo: “Foolish, Foolish, Foolish, Foolish, Foolish...I am someone that -- I can’t be scammed, alright. But I have a way -- I have a sort of way to...be able to get my way most of the time based on, well, the ability of me speaking. So if somebody did come and try to get the shulker box...then...they’re gonna be giving me things and not even realize it.”

“I just know emotions, Foolish, and I know how to...deal with them.”

- Foolish reviews the terms

- Ranboo tells Foolish that there are certain things on the server that he cares deeply about, so...there may be a situation. But Foolish has his word that Foolish will have the shulker box in his possession. Just, if push comes to shove, Foolish may need to give it up, but Ranboo will return it.

- Ranboo signs the book, but Foolish gets to keep it

- Ranboo says in order for it to be a thing, they do have to also do a transfer of funds. Ranboo tells Foolish to grab something from his Ender Chest, anything.

- Ranboo throws Foolish the shulker and in return Foolish throws him lapis.

- Ranboo holds a grass block and says goodbye to Foolish at the door.

Foolish: “Sweet dreams -- if Endermen dream, I don’t know...”

- Foolish leaves and Ranboo returns to his goal of getting tons of emeralds.

---

Upcoming events remain the same.

[sellyoursoulforagoodfic]

Fire and Darkness Chapter 7

The Darkling x reader

Word Count: 1181

Summary: Moving into position . . .

He’d done it. The crazy son of a bitch (for real, considering what you remembered about Baghra) had actually managed to convince the King of Ravka to create a secondary army of Grisha, ‘creatively’ named the Second Army. It’d taken time to gather enough money to dress like something other than refugees and maneuver yourselves into the ideal position to be invited into the king’s presence, but the pair of you had managed it. Both of you tried not to linger on the fact that neither one of you seemed to be aging; that was a problem for later, after everything was settled. 

Success aside, you did not like being separated from him for as long as you had been recently. He’d left you--albeit unwillingly--in a town near to Os Alta to wait for him to be able to bring you in. Months, it’d been, but you weren’t exactly sure how many. The days all ran together as you toiled them away helping a local baker.

Then the signal came, in the form of said baker offhand mentioning, “Lass, they’ve opened up a position at that new grisha place they’ve been buildin’--oh, what’re they calling it? Right, the Little Palace.”

“A position doing what, exactly?” you asked casually. “And why should I care? Someone’s got to keep you on your toes,” you teased as a way to hide the way your hands were now shaking as your heartrate picked up.

The man chuckled. “Apparently that new general of theirs, Kirigan, I think, needs a housekeeper.”

“And they’re not just bringing in other grisha to do it?” You were careful to keep your tone neutral.

“From what they’re saying, he won’t have it. My best guess is he wants someone without magic cleaning his rooms.”

You bit your tongue to silence the argument that grisha abilities weren’t magic. “And you think I should go for it?”

“Aye,” he nodded. “It’s an in at the palace, and it’ll open up all sorts of doors for you in the future. This could be your chance to get out of this place.”

It was sweet that he cared, but you argued against it anyway to keep up appearances. “They’ll never hire me even if I do go for it,” you murmured, eyes returning to the dough you’d been kneading. “There are a million people with better qualifications.”

“They’re saying he’s turned down a hundred people already for one reason or another. And I already signed you up to try.”

“What--”

“Interview’s tomorrow just after dawn.” He winked. “You can thank me later. Now go rest so you’ll wake up on time.”

~

You already had the job, and you knew it. Aleksander would never hire anyone but you to reside so close to him, especially in his chambers, but why wouldn’t your heart get with the program? It felt like it would beat out of your chest as you were escorted to a large ballroom of the Little Palace; you were honestly worried that one of the various healers around would start asking questions.

That racing heartbeat only worsened when you laid eyes on him for the first time since this ploy began. He looked as beautiful as ever, but it was enhanced by the intricately embroidered black kefta he was wearing. There was amusement in those grey eyes as they landed on you, seemingly laughing at a joke that only the two of you were in on.

“And who is this?” his voice carried throughout the room, immediately silencing the murmurs of the other grisha around you. In that silence, you could suddenly hear the sounds of children laughing filtering in through some open door in the wings. The children, you realized, the first children that would be trained here in safety instead of hunted.

“The newest applicant for the housekeeper position, General,” said one of the black-clad guards that’d escorted you.

“Interesting,” he replied as he stalked closer. “Maid,” you jumped in surprise at the address, hating it but understanding why he had to project this air of superiority over you, “what are your thoughts on this new army of grisha.”

You raised a brow. Okay, you hadn’t expected that. Best keep it realistic so I don’t slip later. “As long as you keep the wolves off our doorstep, I don’t give a rat’s ass if you can control the way your farts blow.”

You could see the struggle Aleksander went through to keep from laughing. “And your opinions on me, specifically?”

“I don’t care who you are as long as you pay me on time.”

“A dangerous attitude for a housekeeper to have,” he was smirking. “One might think you could be bribed by the highest bidder.”

“Then you’ll just have to make sure that you’re the highest bidder,” you couldn’t help but jab, “but I know better than to accept that kind of temptation. It always seems sweet at first, but I’d like to live long enough to spend my money.”

The General’s eyes flicked over to the healer closest to you. “Is she lying?”

“No, sir.”

“Then you’re hired.” Several mumbles of surprise raced around the room, seemingly shocked that he was finally accepting someone. Aleksander leaned closer so that he was looming over you a bit. “Let’s see if you can keep that pretty head of yours.”

~

You were escorted to his suite and quickly shown to the tiny little room to the side of the entrance hallway that would be yours. As if you’d actually be sleeping there. Part of you wondered how long it would take for rumors of a more physical relationship between you and the newly-named Darkling to start circling. The rest of you was busy being torn between enjoying the fact that you finally had a place to call your own and hating the shabby-looking appearance of that very place. 

Those thoughts were thrown aside when your lover finally came bursting in the room, instantly cupping your face in his hands and leaning down to kiss you soundly. You of course offered no complaints after all this time away from him. No, instead, your hands found themselves pulling at the buttons that fastened that kefta closed and kept his body hidden from you.

It was several minutes of near-violent kissing, nipping, and sucking later when he finally pulled back enough to talk. “We are never staying apart that long again, do you hear me?”

For a moment, you were too entranced by his kiss-swollen lips to formulate a reply, but then your senses returned, albeit barely. “Or you’ll take off my pretty little head?” you teased.

He snorted a little laugh. “No, but I have half a mind . . .” he trailed off for a moment. “No, my mind is made up. You’re coming with me.” 

You yelped as you found yourself thrown over his shoulder to be carried elsewhere. “Sasha, what are you doing?!”

“I thought it was obvious?” You could hear the smirk in his voice. “I’m bringing you to our bed and not letting you out for at least the rest of the night.”

[writersblog20]

Everybody has a hard time, from time to time

Tom Hiddleston x Freader

Warnings: reader being drunk, little bit of anxiety but disguised as nervousness.Angst but not too much. Language. And feeling worthless. Readers boss gaslighting her but it’s not much. age-gap reader is 25. Implied smut sort of? But also not really

Words: 3470

Summary: The reader meets Tom Hiddleston and he asked her out on a date. But on the date she gets a call from her extremely drunken best friend….

A/N: I just went with it and I don’t even know what it turned out hahaha I'm also sorry for the spelling mistakes and stuff

Everybody has a hard time from time to time

Y/N was walking down the streets. Headphones in and 4 coffees on a tray. She sighed and started walking faster back to her stupid job. Her boss gave her a really hard time but lately it had gotten worse. She tried to calm down and take a minute but balancing lunch and coffee was definitely not on her resume. She was so lost in her thought that she got back to it until her butt hit the pavement pretty hard.

Everything went so fast and she felt the very hot coffee on her chest soaking her blouse. “Fuck!” she cursed out. “oh my god I’m so sorry” the man said who was kneeling besides her now trying to help her. “it’s fine. Just going to get fired now. but honestly it’s fine” you said in anger.

You looked up and to your surprise you saw it was your favorite actor Tom Hiddleston. Worry filled his pool blue eyes. you wanted to freak out but honestly you were more freaking out about your boss right now. “God I really am sorry ma’am. Let me pay for some new coffee!” he told you kindly. You carefully tried to dry your blouse. Tom got a dry sweater from his bag.

“please take it, god I’m so sorry” He told you with actual more worry in his eyes. “is there anything I can do for you? I can walk with you to your boss to explain what happened” he told you a little panicked. You chuckled at the sweet gesture and started to feel sorry for him because how bad he felt.

“It’s okay. I doubt that would change much.” He nodded. “are you hurt?” he asked you helping you up. “eh no I’m fine I think.” You told him. “I’m really sorry please take my jumper. I know it isn’t much but at least it’s dry” he told you and almost shove it in your hands. “thank you!” you told him and he looked a little more relaxed that he at least could do something for you.

“well I should go now.” you told him. “I do need that jumper back” he told you with a grin and you started to feel flustered. “right I’m sorry I….” he cut you off before you could finish that sentence. “I ehm never really do this but how about you give it back on our date? If you would gladly accept of course. My treat for what happened.” You were starstruck but you thought he wanted to take you on a date out of pity. “ you don’t have to do that Tom, you don’t have to take me on a date because you feel bad. Gives off the wrong signals.” You told him while cleaning your pants from the dirt on the ground.

“I’m eh Tom” he told you. You chuckled “yeah I know. Big fan” you said still chuckling and he giggled a little. He waited for you to say your name but you were lost in thoughts again. “oh I’m sorry I’m Y/N” he giggled and gently took your hand and placed a kiss on the top of it. “it’s really nice to meet you. And again I’m very sorry how we met” he said scratching his head. “it’s not all your fault. I was very lost in thought so I should've looked where i was walking” you told him.

“I want to take you out on a date because you are magnificently beautiful and now I have more of a reason to make it up to you. That’s why I want to take you out.” He told you with a gentle smile. “oh ehm well then I would love to go on a date with you” you told him flustered feeling extremely dumb at the moment. “Are you free this Saturday evening?” he asked you. “yeah absolutely” you told him. he gave you his phone and you put your number in it. “I’ll text you.” He said with a wink. “okay” was all you could say. You stood there for a minute before going back.

On your way you changed into Tom’s jumper and got new coffee and lunch. You made your way back to your job. You obvious got shit from your boss and you told her what happened but she wasn’t taking it. “you are absolutely worthless! You can’t even get some fucking coffee! I don’t even know why I hired you in the first place. You can go and you don’t have to come back” she told you

It made you furies. There was no way she would take you back and honestly you wouldn’t even want that. “That’s fine cause I wanted to quit either way. You are one horrible person and treat people like shit but honestly you are the biggest piece of shit in this whole building. Probably even in this whole city. So I don’t mind. Bye!!!” you told her and she looked dumbfounded by your sudden outburst.

You walked out of the building with your head up high and a big smile on your face. You really felt more alive at this moment. You got back home and that’s when it hit you that you still had to pay your rent. You started cursing and kicked a chair. You called one of your friends and he came right away to you. “Girl! You got some bad bitch energy! How you stood up against her… I mean damn. That and you have a date with The hot Tom Fucking Hiddleston! Girl you’re so lucky!” he told you while shaking a cocktail for you both.

You chuckled “I’m not gonna drink right now” you told him. “Girl you have better plans? You just got fired and you have nowhere to be right now so just take that drink and live a little! You’re 25 for god’s sake!” You chuckled again and took the drink from him. “you know what you should do? Sell your art! Finish that book that you were writing! I mean I’ve seen your work and it’s absolutely amazing! And since I’m in the art business I might be able to help you out in that and give you an exposition! ” He told you. “let me think about it okay?” you told him a little sad.

“babe you’ve got to stop being scared! You are absolutely amazing on every front! Everyone can see that except for you. So please let me do this for you” He told you. “I just don’t want to get my hopes up and be declined like almost always. I don’t feel good enough and I don’t think I can take another rejection again” you told him honestly.

“it’s life babes…. There will be times where you’re still going to get rejected but don’t let that bring you down. You have to keep fighting for it. And your art is worth fighting for. Believe me! I’m your most honest friend and I’m telling you this from the bottom of my heart. You are good enough! Hell you are more than that! You just have to believe in yourself!” you smiled at his kindness and thought about it. “you know what? Fuck it! Let’s do it!” you told him feeling strong! “yes queen! that’s my girl! Bad bitch energy!” you giggled and got immensely drunk to celebrate it.

~time skip~

The week got by pretty quick and as Luke told you, you got accepted and they were more excited to give you an exposition. You started to search for jobs that you would actually like and started writing again. Life was going good again and you felt so strong and confident until you had the date which would be tomorrow.

You were so nervous. Tom didn’t text you yet and you didn’t have his phone number so it was hard to get in touch with him. Anxiety got the best of you. What if he forgot? What if he forgot about you or changed his mind? Just when your mind got into overdrive you heard your phone pinged. You quickly got it and saw an unknown number. You felt your heart pound in your chest. You opened the text.

“Hello Love, It’s Tom. Are you still up for tomorrow? I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch sooner, it was a chaotic week.” It felt like you could breathe again and texted him back immediately. “Hey Tom, Yes I’m still up for tomorrow. Can’t wait!” You send the message and immediately thought you should texted him a different message. Your phone went off again. But this time he called you. You drowned your wine for some confident.

“Hey Tom.” You said a little nervous. He chuckled. “hello darling” your heart skipped a beat at the nickname and you felt butterflies I mean it was Tom Hiddleston for god’s sake! “I’ll pick you up around 5. Is that okay?” he asked you. “eh yeah of course sure! I ehm am looking forward to it!” you told him honestly. “me too darling” he told you with a chuckle. You both said your goodbyes and you put your phone down.

You tried to watch a movie to get your mind of off your anxiety. When the movie was over you tried to go to bed but you kept staring at your ceiling. I’m not like the other girls he dated. You thought to yourself. But then tried to set it straight by saying maybe that’s the point but then other thoughts consumed you. You tried to fight all the thought by positives one until the early hours of the morning. You finally fell asleep around 5 AM.

Once you woke up you got very excited. It was already 2 in the afternoon since you slept so crappy. You texted your Luke but got no response. You figured he was still asleep. You picked your clothes and 5 PM got around faster then you thought it would. You heard your doorbell and opened up. There he was standing Tom Hiddleston. Alongside with some flowers. No other date had given you flowers. He checked you out with his lips slightly parted. He chuckled: “wow you look amazing!” he said with a small blush creeping up on his cheeks. You giggled. “you too mister Hiddleston” you said boldly which made him chuckle again. He really did look great. He wore a small blouse and a blue blazer over it and jeans. “oh eh these are for you” he told you. You could tell he was nervous as hell which made you feel a little bit more at peace knowing that you weren’t the only one.

“come inside. I’m just going to put these in some water.” You told him and he followed you inside. He loved your apartment. It gave off such a warm cozy vibe. It felt like home. He looked at your art work on the wall. “I adore your apartment.” He told you which made you smile. “thank you” you told him kindly. “I’m ready to go” you told him with a chuckle. You got your coat of the hanger. “Here let me, please.” He told you and got the coat out of your hands and helped you in your coat. It made you flustered and swoon. God you were already falling head over heels for this men.

You both walked into a restaurant but it wasn’t a fancy one but more cozy. You loved it. You talked for hours and both drank some red wine. You both hit it off so well and you were absolutely smitten. And he was too if not more. You both were so much on one line it was amazing. You knew you would never find this again and it kind of scared you. You told him about your boss since he asked if you got trouble that day you first met him and you told the story until you got a call from Luke.

You frowned a little. He knew you were on a date and he would never interrupt you unless it was an emergency. “everything okay?” Tom asked you. “Yeah I just have to take this. I am so sorry!” He chuckled it’s fine” he told you reassuring. You nodded and walked off to the bathroom and picked up. “Luke? What’s wrong?” you asked when you heard him sobbing on the phone. You could tell he was absolutely smashed. “Can you please come to my place? I really need you right now. you can even take Tom with you but please” He begged you with an obvious slur. You felt your heart break for him. You sighed. “alright I’m on my way. Can you hang on?” you asked him. “yeah” he told you still crying. “Thank you so much Y/N I’m so sorry” he told you. “I know it’s okay. I’m on my way okay?”

You hang up the phone and went back to Tom. “everything alright?” he asked you and you felt so guilty. “I eh my friend he needs me right now. he is absolutely smashed and crying and I don’t know what is wrong but he asked me to come to him.” Tom looked at the table “I’m so sorry! I had a lovely time and I would love to do this some time again! If you still want to of course…” You said the last part a little softer. He smiled at you. “I eh could go with you if you’d like and if it’s okay with your friend.” Tom told you. “Are you sure? You really don’t have to” you told him. “I’m going to be honest with you. I really like you and I don’t want this evening to stop…. So if that means taking care of your drunken friend to be with you, I will. But I understand if you feel different.” This time Tom said the last part a little softer. You chuckled and felt your body filling up with love. “I really like you too Tom and in that case… Let’s go” you chuckled. He looked a little surprised but happy.

Tom paid the bill even when you tried to intervene but he wasn’t having it. “next time you can pay” he told you with a wink. You were flustered. He helped you to get your coat on and you both made your way. You slightly touched his hand and put yours in his. He looked a little surprised down at you. “I eh is this okay?” you asked him a little nervous. “it is, love.” You looked down a little with a smile. His thumb caressing the back of your hand softly. “I’m really sorry about this.” You told him honestly. “really it’s okay. I totally understand!” he told you truthfully.

You got to Luke’s house and you used your keys. “Luke? It’s me, where are you?” you asked him. you heard Abba blasting through the speakers. You immediately turned it down a bit. Empty bottles were laying everywhere. “Y/N?” Luke called out to you. You followed the sound and saw him laying by the toilet. You took of your coat and walked over to him and sat him down by the toilet. “What happened?” you asked him. he sniffled a little. “Cooper broke up with me and even over a text message” you looked at him a little sad for him. you went with your hands through his hair. Tom stood behind you but Luke didn’t notice yet. Luke started to laugh. Great mood swings you thought. Tom gave you a glass of water and you smiled a little at him. You gave the water to Luke. He looked up and saw Tom. Tom waved at him a little. “oh he’s so cute and hot!” he told you like Tom wouldn’t hear it. You started to laugh. You looked at Tom and he chuckled.

“I’m sorry I ruined your date” he looked at you and Tom. “we’ll there’s going to be a second so don’t worry too much about it” you told him and you looked at Tom who winked at you. Luke started to throw up and you both looked away. You softly touched Luke’s back to let him know you weren’t going anywhere. “you okay?” you asked after he was done. “yeah I think I can get up now.” he told you. “okay good let’s get you upstairs then.” You helped Luke up which was a challenge on its own. “here let me” Tom said and took Luke over from you. He put Luke’s arm over his shoulders and helped him upstairs. Luke started to stare at Tom.

“Luke…. You’re staring.” You told him. “I know.” Luke told you serious and furrowed his eyebrows at Tom. “Look. I’m thankful you help me but you better take care of my best friend alright! She’s an angel and don’t you dare to hurt her!” he slurred at Tom while you were already in Luke’s bedroom. “I’m not planning on it mate. I promise.” He told Luke. He narrowed his eyebrows. “yeah I believe that. Finally a good guy Y/N!” he yelled happy at you. You flustered again. You mouthed: “I’m sorry” at Tom and he just gave you a reassuring smile. You both put Luke into bed. You put an extra pillow under his head for the nausea. You put down a bucket and a glass of water beside him.

“please stay the night. I don’t want to be alone and your boyfriend can stay too” you were both flustered at the last part Luke said. “I’ll stay don’t worry. But you need some sleep now.” Luke nodded and turned around. “I love you” Luke told you sleepy. “I love you too” you told him and closed the door and leaned against it. “I’m really sorry about this. Normally it doesn’t happen” you told Tom a little embarrassed. He put a hand on your cheek “it’s okay love. Really we all have moments like this” you nodded. “well I need a drink now…. You want one?” you asked and chuckled. “yeah sounds good” he said and chuckled as well.

You both went downstairs and took out the empty bottles and after that made you both a drink. You sat down on the couch and Tom next to you. You both talked into the late hours and started to get drunk. You were leaning against Tom by now. you looked up at him and he looked down at you with love and adoration in his eyes. “please stay tonight.” You kind of asked him. “only if you want me to” he told you. “yeah I do. But just to clarify I never took a guy back home (or well my friends house) to stay the night” You told him with a chuckle. He laughed as well. When it got silence you just stared at each other.

His face ,slowly, started to get closer to you giving you enough time to pull away but instead you softly put your lips on his. His hand caressing your cheek and your hand in his hair slightly pulling at it as the kiss started to get heated. He pulled you on his lap, both of your legs on either side of him. His hands going under your shirt and stayed on your back. He slowly got up and laid you down on the couch with your legs around his waist. You broke from the kiss and put your hand on his chest. “Tom…. I don’t want to do it on the first date and definitely not here” you chuckled which made him giggle as well. “totally understandable!” He told you.

“I can go I you want me to” he told you. “no, please stay.” He gave you a warm smile that made your heart melt. You made some space so Tom could lay down as well. You laid your head on his chest and he went with his hands through your hair. Well this was definitely not the perfect date…. But luckily it was with the perfect guy.

[thanksjro]

Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours.


After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

[meltwonu]

| 🍒 CH-CH-CHERRY BOMB! 🍒 |     [CHAPTER 17]

pairing; dom!seungcheol x camgirl!reader

this chapter’s notes; camshow, intercrural sex, lots ‘o teasing, dirty talk/the absolute tiniest bit of degradation, some cum play/cum eating, seungcheol having a kink for thighs/thigh highs 😳😗 welcome to the weekend my bbys!! I hope yall are having a good day/night!! Also again, another inbox roundup tomorrow(also an updates post)!! 💕 Might be a regular thing for the next 4-ish weeks ‘cause I have been so busy this month 😭 and I can’t believe there’s only 3 more chapters of CB left!! 😭😭 some bangers on the way tho LMAO 🤣 As always, thank you so much for the love and support!!💕💕 Have a great rest of your weekend and enjoy ch 17![cheol voice] seventeen right here 😌💕🍒 

chapters; 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - x - x - x

Seungcheol doubles over in laughter, tears blurring his vision as his laughs turn into quiet wheezes.

“God, this is so embarrassing.” Seokmin mutters; cheeks burning crimson when he glances over to Jeongguk who shrugs back. “Maybe I really should quit…”

Jeongguk scoffs jokingly, “Maybe you shouldn’t have lied. No offense, but all the staff here probably have at least seen her before and you just so happened to lie to her actual boyfriend. That’s honestly really lucky if you ask me! You should buy a lotto ticket!” Seokmin whines back, shifting on his heels as he watches Seungcheol start to wipe the tears away.

“Hyung, can you please take this Edible Arrangements I got you so I can go ask Namjoon-hyung to fire me?” This only causes Seungcheol to laugh harder and this time, Jeongguk can’t help the giggle that bubbles past his tightly pursed lips.

“Please!” Seokmin begs, shaking the basket of skewered fruit at the older male. “I heard the diner across down is still hiring, I can still save the rest of my dignity if I leave now!”

Seungcheol shakes his head, eyelashes wet with tears when he takes the gift from Seokmin’s hands to place it on the countertop of the concession stand. “Hate to break it to you but she works there and one of the staff is also one of her regulars so I think your best bet is workin’ here. Embarrassment and all.”

“So, okay… But you’re not mad?”

Jeongguk peels the cellophane off of the basketed fruit, looking to Seungcheol for permission before he takes a skewer. “Go ahead. And no, I’m not mad. If anything I should apologize too, I shouldn’t have let you keep lying when I already knew. But also, to be fair, we weren’t really… official ‘til recently.” Seungcheol shoots the younger male a sheepish smile; cheeks a pretty pink of their own. “And it’s kinda been nice meeting you guys too. It’s great to know you’re not all weirdos.”

Seokmin laughs lightly, breathing a sigh of relief. “Okay, cool, ‘cause this place pays really well and I’d hate to stop working here and you guys are a lot cooler than the coworkers I had before.” He rolls his eyes jokingly, leaning up against the countertop as he picks off a strawberry from the basket.

“Don’t even get me started on this coworker I had at the last place. His name was Mingyu, I think? Suuuuuch a kissass. I had to move to manning the register at all times just so I could avoid him pickin’ his nose in the backroom and then pretending like he was doin’ shit.”

“Hey, Seungcheol-hyung?”

Seokmin’s inquisitive voice has Seungcheol turning; setting the rollerskates in his hand down onto the bench. “Yeah?”

“Do you think it’s weird that we’re, like, watching your girlfriend?” He tilts his head in thought, eyes blinking up to the ceiling. “I don’t want to overstep or something if it’s weird, y’know? I’ve been thinking about what Jeongguk said earlier...”

Seungcheol grins back at him, eyes twinking. He’d also thought about that before too, when he first found out that Jeongguk had also watched your streams.

“I don’t really mind ‘cause at the end of the day, it’s you watching me fucking my girlfriend.”

“Well, I’m glad he took it… well?” You giggle, tugging the white thigh high up your leg.

Seungcheol pulls off his shirt as he sits on the edge of the bed; tossing the wrinkled material onto the floor as he laughs under his breath.

“He did give me an Edible Arrangements while I laughed so hard I cried. I think he’s learned his lesson.”

xcaliburDK: good news, i didnt quit!!

chwenon: i was gonna say

chwenon: u literally started like last week

universe_WZ has donated $75

angelhan has donated $75

therealchan99 has donated $50

therealchan99: u look rly pretty in ur white set!!!

“Aww, thank you! It’s one of my favorites~ And ‘xcaliburDK’, I’m glad you didn’t quit!” You wink at the camera, giggling softly in Seungcheol’s lap as he peppers kisses along your shoulder.

A shiver runs up your spine at his gentle touches and you easily melt under his soft kisses and roaming fingertips. He ghosts them across your breasts, teasing you through the thin lace as you mewl and squirm against his cock that’s pressed firm against your ass. “A-ah, S--Seungcheol…”

tangerine_kwan: she looks so happy now that she can call ur name out lol

alphagyu97: now i cant pretend its me tho

gentleman_josh95: i mean i guess but are u even built like him

alphagyu97: well

Your body slowly starts to fill with warmth; soft stuttered breaths falling from your lips when he drags his fingers down your torso until they play with the hem of your panties. “M-more… tease me m-more…” He grins against your shoulder; hooking a finger around the waistband of your panties and tugging it away from you before letting it snap against your skin.

“‘Cheol!” Whining, your legs snap shut on impulse as you feel a gush of wetness soaking into your panties.

“Ah, ah, ah, part those legs, princess. Don’t make me have to punish you.”

kitty_junjun: no thats what the shibari stream is for right? Right? 😩

artist8hao: is that really happening bc i want to see it

alphagyu97: u guys should do it and think of it as like a rebrand of the channel ykwim

hoshi_tiger_xx: jdfkjhf like a grand re-opening under new management

therealchan99: what is this, a restaurant?

chwenon: u guys should come up with a new channel name too or sth

Seungcheol manages to read off a few of their comments; committing some to memory knowing that your eyes were still sealed shut as you focused on his soft touches.

He drags his fingers down further, humming when he can already feel how wet you were getting. “Hmm~ Already soaked through your pretty panties, baby~” Your head rolls back against his shoulder, nodding gently as you start to grind against the fingers that he uses to press into your clothed, wet folds.

“F-feels good w-when you, ah, t-tease me…”

Unbeknownst to you, Seungcheol smirks, eyes twinkling at the camera. “You really like it, huh? When I just touch you gently like this. Not enough to get you off but just enough to get you soaking wet until you’re begging for my cock.” He pauses; pressing a soft kiss to your skin. “I wanna try something with you, pretty baby~”

You gulp as you raise your head from his shoulder and he retracts his hands from your body as you shift your body and slightly turn to the side to face him.

Seungcheol’s eyes are blown wide with lust and you can already feel his cock throbbing against your lower back as he smiles dreamily at you.

“I think you’ll like it too.”

A stuttered moan falls from your lips as Seungcheol’s cock slides past your tightly clasped, yet shaky, thighs.

“O-oh, ‘Cheol, this--this is…” The words die on your tongue as your head falls forward and Seungcheol is quick to reprimand you, just as he draws his hips back.

“Baby, I want you to watch yourself on the screen. I want you to see your cute face while I tease your pretty body.” He moans; thrusting between your wet thighs as your hazy eyes peer at the laptop’s screen. Your lips are swollen and your pupils are blown wide when you catch yourself and you can see the head of Seungcheol’s cock only just breaching past your clamped thighs when he thrusts forward.

You let out a guttural moan, eyes rolling to the back of your head when he alternates between thrusting between your thighs and letting his cock slide against your soaked, panty-clad mound. 

He hadn’t bothered to undress you at all, but you didn’t mind. The material of your panties only added onto the pleasure with every drag of his cock against you.  

Seungcheol teases you even more; dragging his hands down to your thigh highs and letting his fingertips play right underneath the hems before pulling the material away from your thighs and letting them snap against your skin, much like he’d done with your panties.

“Ah, fuck, m-more! P-please…” He repeats the action a few more times, playing with the sheer fabric of your thigh highs before he draws his hips back. Except this time, when you expect him to thrust back between your legs, he wraps a hand around his cock instead, guiding himself until the head of his cock is rubbing up against the sheer fabric.

“Fuck, you’d look so pretty with cum all over your pretty thighs. I should cum all over your panties and your white ‘lil thigh highs and get them all soaked. Don’t you think they’d be cute? Sticking to you like a second skin? Translucent ‘n soaked through with my cum?” He laughs under his breath, watching through the laptop screen at the way you bite your lip and furrow your brows at the thought.

“I--I want t-that… I want S--Seungcheol t-to make, ngh, a m-mess…”

angelhan: i kno we say this all the time but can u upload some pics of that later

angelhan has donated $75

universe_WZ: seconded cuz thatd look so fuckin hot

universe_WZ has donated $50

alphagyu97 has donated $75

alphagyu97: fuck, like a lil angel covered in cum

Seungcheol teases you and himself at the same time; rubbing his cock against your fabric-clad thighs. He spreads precum onto the material, licking his lips when it already becomes translucent and sticks to your skin.

He positions his cock back between your thighs once he’s had his fill and quickly finds himself doubling his pace when he sees how wet you’re getting his cock without even having taken your panties off. “God, look at you. I don’t even need to fuck you to get you this wet. You just need to rub your ‘lil cunt against my cock and it’s enough for you, huh? I should make you sit on my lap, rub your pretty ‘lil pussy on my cock ‘til you’re cumming over and over again.”

“Ngh, yes! Fuck, Seungcheol! I--I can feel your c-cock throbbing between my l-legs… Please, please c-cum, mmh, all over my s-skin…”

“That’s right, baby. So fuckin’ desperate to be covered in it too. And always so fuckin’ pretty when you are.”

You let out a whimper as you try to focus on watching yourself just like Seungcheol had asked you to. Your lips are parted in soft breaths and you can’t seem to unfurrow your brows as Seungcheol chases his pleasure behind you.

angelhan: what if

angelhan: seungcheol in thigh highs lmao

universe_WZ: sub.cheol

sleepy_wonu: sub.cheol

universe_WZ: jinx

sleepy_wonu: fuck u 

You lick your lips at the thought; although you knew Seungcheol would have a hard time relinquishing his dominating nature.

But your mind wanders as you continue to think about it; various images of Seungcheol tied up underneath you while you fucked yourself on his cock running through your mind. You let out a shaky moan, to which Seungcheol hums.

“What are you thinkin’ about, princess?”

“Um… ah, n-nothing…” He thrusts between your legs hard, making you jolt forward as you yelp.

“Princess...”

“I--ah! J-just thinking a-about… y-you tied up, ngh, to--to the bed and m-me fuh--fucking myself on your c-cock… ‘n me u-using, mmh, my toys o-on you...” Seungcheol smirks, pulling his cock from between your shaky thighs as he slightly pushes you over until you're on your back.

He spreads your legs as you look up at him and he’s quick to wrap a hand around his cock as he jerks himself off above you. “Oh, I bet you’d love that, wouldn’t you? I bet you’d be so cute trying to be the domme for a night.” Seungcheol teases.

You find yourself clenching around emptiness as you think of the possibilities. You definitely wanted to try it if Seungcheol was willing.

“Fuck, but first, gonna cover your pretty body with my cum.” He groans; thrusting up into his palm as he chases his high.

“C-cum all over me, Seungcheol…”

The donations and comments sound off in the back as you maintain eye contact with Seungcheol who’s brows furrow when he starts to feel himself about to cum. He scoots back a little; growling when his cock throbs in his grasp and he cums all over your, already, soaked panties.

You let out a moan when rivulets of cum hit your lower abdomen and you’re quick to reach down and scoop some up to bring to your mouth, smearing the warm substance against your puckered lips before licking it off. Whimpering, you dip your fingers into your mouth; this time pretending they were Seungcheol’s instead of your own.

He guides his cock until the head is aimed at your thighs; streaks of cum settling into the sheer material of your thigh highs. “God, you’re so damn pretty...” Groaning, he milks his cock for every drop of cum before he’s stopping to catch his breath.

“You came so much but I didn’t cum yet, ‘Cheol~” Pouting, you turn your head to the side to face the camera. “Tell him he has to make me cum now~”

kitty_junjun: well u heard the lady!!

hoshi_tiger_xx: make her cum and let her cream her cute lil panties even more

therealchan99: oh fuck yeah, get her off without fucking her cute cunt

Seungcheol leans over your body until the two of you are almost face to face, eyes twinkling with playfulness when you feel his sticky hand playing with your thigh highs again.

“D’you hear that? Let’s give them what they want, baby.”

The sounds of donations and comments once again get lost as Seungcheol finds himself on his knees between your legs.

“Ready?”

When you slide into bed after your camshow’s ended and Seungcheol has properly taken care of you, he’s quick to tug you into his chest. 

The two of you let out soft sighs at the warmth that envelopes you both as you finally start to settle in for the night.

After a few minutes, Seungcheol clears his throat, catching you just before you drift off to sleep.

“This is so random but have you considered, I dunno, rebranding your channel… with me? I was thinking about it and kinda wanted your opinion...”

You blink up curiously at him, urging him to continue. “I mean, yeah, of course! I don’t really know where to start though since it’s always just been me. And to be honest, I wasn’t sure if you wanted to either so I never brought it up.” You snuggle into his warmth, yawning as the sleep threatens to take over.

“But let’s talk about it later, ‘cause ‘m tired now, ‘Cheol. You really didn’t have to make me cum twice…” You mumble, “I can still feel my legs shaking...”

His soft laugh reverberates in your chest and he’s quick to press a kiss against your hair as he tugs you in closer.

“It’s ‘cause I like to spoil you. And okay. I’ll remind you when you’re more conscious.”

“G’night, ‘Cheol...”

“Goodnight, baby.” 

[robininthelabyrinth]

Your idea of madam nie!jgy is really good could u wrt that ?

for those who don’t remember, the Madame Nie!JGY idea is here and here

- on ao3 -

Untamed verse

Paperwork.

The bane of Nie Huaisang’s life.

It wasn’t that he didn’t know he was moderately clever, sometimes scaling up to very clever if he was irritated, but somehow he’d never had the ability to keep facts and figures and exact sentences straight in his head. Any teaching done through rote memorization (in other words, most of it) was wasted on him, and the few things he could keep track of, usually in over-abundant and hyper-specific detail, weren’t the sorts of things that were especially helpful. 

Or, well, they were helpful in figuring out what clothing to wear or whether art was good or bad, and occasionally in being able to figure out where people should sit in a hall in order to either minimize or maximize the opportunity for incidents that would create gossip, but they really weren’t helpful if what you were trying to do was run a very large and very industrious sect.

His brother handled the majority of it, of course, as sect leader, and naturally he hadn’t stinted on hiring talented deputies – admittedly, the Nie sect threw around the word deputy the way an especially enthusiastic firefighter tossed around water and sand, but most sects had a more settled bureaucracy in place than the Nie sect did and it was an important position, even if it was usually just a gateway to being put somewhere you actually fit rather than a permanent spot for most people – but in the end there were some things that required the signature of a member of the Nie clan and Nie Mingjue, Nie Huaisang very reluctantly supposed (if he had to), couldn’t do everything.

He groaned and put his head down on the table.

This never happened when Meng Yao was here, he thought bitterly.

Meng Yao had been one of his brother’s finds, someone he’d promoted in a fit of temper as usual, but to just about everyone’s surprise he had turned out to be amazing at logistics and organization, able to quickly gain expertise in really everything and anything a sect needed to run. After a few months he knew most things, and the things he didn’t know he could either figure out or speculate on with relative accuracy. He’d been amazingly efficient, and it had made Nie Mingjue happy – happy not just to have such good help and to have his taste in subordinates confirmed, but also to see Meng Yao flourishing as his deputy, his real deputy, to see him pleased and respected the way his talents so obviously deserved…

Nie Huaisang sighed. If only his stupid brother had gone ahead and just sworn brotherhood with Meng Yao when the idea had been proposed!

If only he’d done that, Nie Huaisang could have been acting cute and calling Meng Yao – no, wait, it was Jin Guangyao now, he kept forgetting – he could have been calling him ‘san-ge’ right now and hanging off his arm and soon enough Jin Guangyao would yield and do all the work for him, leaving only the actual signing for Nie Huaisang to do. And the work would’ve gotten done better than he would have ever done it, in less time, and he could’ve been spending his precious time doing literally anything else.

Ugh.

Well, he supposed it wasn’t entirely his brother’s fault that the whole plan hadn’t gone through. He hadn’t been the one to back out of the brotherhood idea – that’d been Lan Xichen, for some reason, even though he’d been the one to originally propose the idea, and obviously Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao weren’t going to swear brotherhood without him. It was Venerated Triad, not Venerated Duo.

It was just so unfortunate that the absence of a sworn brother relationship meant that Nie Huaisang had no basis to ask Jin Guangyao to help him out. Or, while he was imagining things, why not just go all the way and imagine that Jin Guangyao could just come back to Qinghe already.

He could run things in a way that made sense and was efficient, which would reduce Nie Mingjue’s stress levels, and Nie Mingjue’s stress levels going down meant that Nie Huaisang’s stress would go down. Way down. And Jin Guangyao’s stress levels would also be way down as well by virtue of, well, being back at Qinghe, where things made sense and he didn’t have to deal with his awful family of his which he seemed to value for some reason that Nie Huaisang didn’t understand and honestly didn’t want to understand. It’d be a win all around!

Ugh.

Life was just better when Jin Guangyao was around.

But what could be done about it? He couldn’t exactly suggest being sworn brothers with Jin Guangyao himself – you needed to do something impressive together to justify that, usually – and for all that he had his brother wrapped around his little finger, he knew perfectly well that Nie Mingjue might hire an unknown man as a deputy in a fit of temper but he’d never hire someone he fired, even if Jin Guangyao were willing to take the role of deputy again. Which he probably wasn’t now that he was all legitimate and recognized and stuff; it was probably beneath him.

If only there were another position available, something not a deputy, not a sworn brother, something where he could just run the Nie sect for the good of everyone –

Wait.

There was.

And, thanks to his brother’s misanthropic ways, the position was available.

Perfect!

-

“Congratulations, da-ge!” Nie Huaisang announced grandly, sweeping into his brother’s study.

“Just tell the treasury to cover the cost of whatever it is you broke or bought,” Nie Mingjue said without looking up, which, first, rude, and second, really? Awesome. Nie Huaisang was going to get so much mileage out of that one.

“Oh, da-ge, really. I wasn’t talking about me –”

“A miracle.”

“– shut up. I was congratulating you! It’s what little brothers like me should do for big brothers like you on the event of their engagement!”

There was a silence of about five deep breaths.

(Or at least, that’s how long Nie Huaisang assumed it was, provided that his brother was listening to his doctor’s orders about managing his anger, which he had damn well better be.)

Nie Mingjue put down the piece of paper he was working on, and gently laid down his brush to avoid breaking it like so many of the others, and looked up at Nie Huaisang, fixing all of his attention on him.

“Huaisang,” he said, his voice only slightly above a growl. “My what now?”

“Your engagement!” Nie Huaisang beamed at him. “The Sunshot Campaign is over, our father is avenged, and you’re already in your mid-twenties – that means it’s time to get moving on finding the perfect Madame Nie, and I’ve got a great candidate in mind for you.”

His brother looked uncomfortable. “Huaisang,” he said, and his voice was almost delicate. “You are aware…”

“I’ve taken your preferences into account,” Nie Huaisang assured him, and he was only mostly lying. His brother had liked Meng Yao a great deal, once upon a time, and even if they’d never actually slept together – his stupid anti-social brother probably hadn’t even hinted that he might be interested, what with the power differential and Meng Yao’s unfortunate familial history – there was no reason he couldn’t like Jin Guangyao, too, if only he’d give him a chance. Just because he didn’t like him right now didn’t mean anything about his preferences generally. “It’s not like I missed the vast increase in the amount of cutsleeve pornography in our library, okay?”

“That was not me.”

“I know it wasn’t you, but you got the benefit of it, didn’t you? Like I said: don’t worry. It’s a man. You can stop worrying, relax, and let me handle it.”

His brother’s face was doing the skeptical look again, the one where he looked like he was seriously doubting Nie Huaisang’s ability to put on clothing in the morning. He wasn’t five anymore, da-ge! Okay, eight, but only because he kept putting stuff on backwards while he was rushing. Maybe ten for formal clothing... “No, Huaisang.”

“No, really, I can –”

“The answer is no, Huaisang.”

That sounded depressingly final.

“What if I do the puppy eyes at you?”

“The answer is still no,” his brother said, going back to his paperwork, although he was smiling a little. “No, you may not set up an engagement for me; no, I will not agree; no.”

Damnit.

Okay, maybe Nie Huaisang should be tackling this from a different angle.

-

“It’s so good to see you!” Nie Huaisang gushed. He wasn’t entirely sure what to call Jin Guangyao now – after all, the other man was a few years his senior, and now that he was recognized by his father there wasn’t a class difference that would make it permissible for Nie Huaisang to call him by name the way he’d used to call Meng Yao. But they’d known each other for years, so Jin-qianbei might come off as pretentious and too formal, Jin-gongzi was definitely too formal, and were they really at the stage where he could call him Jin-xiong?

(Plus he already called Jin Zixuan Jin-xiong, so he’d have to figure out where Meng Yao fell in the hierarchy – except no one had ever clarified one way or the other. He was pretty sure Meng Yao was older, but even if he was it probably wasn’t appropriate to go around calling him Jin-da-ge.)

Now, Nie Huaisang had more or less made it his life policy to adopt virtual strangers as brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles, the more the better, but he also didn’t want to offend Jin Guangyao by making it seem like he didn’t respect his new position.

Especially when he wanted Jin Guangyao to do something for him.

“It’s good to see you too, Nie-gongzi,” Jin Guangyao said, and no, that wouldn’t do at all.

Nie Huaisang poked at him with his fan. “How many times do I have to tell you? Just call me Huaisang, the way da-ge does. You were almost my san-ge, remember?”

“Nie-gongzi…”

“Huaisang!”

Jin Guangyao had an indulgent look on his face. “Very well, Huaisang.”

“Anyway, I know you’re busy with dealing with sect things – that hunt last month was great, sorry about da-ge being overenthusiastic but at least he had a really good time – and stuff like that, but I just wanted to swing by Lanling to congratulate you!” Nie Huaisang said, deciding to take the moment to barrel onwards. “I didn’t get a chance to talk to you last time, and so much has happened since you left Qinghe! You got accepted into the Jin sect! Recognized by your father! Given a name! A fancy title! A position! An engagement! A nice hat!”

“I’m sorry,” Jin Guangyao said. “I got a what?”

“A nice hat!”

“Nice try, Huaisang.”

“Oh, come on, you don’t even know who I’m setting you up with yet!” Nie Huaisang whined. “And it’s not like you don’t want to get married! Weren’t you  thinking of marrying the Qin sect’s girl? I mean, before they backed out on account of swearing vengeance against your father and the Jin sect and all…”

“I appreciate your thoughtfulness, Huaisang,” Jin Guangyao said, gentle and polite as always, but in his own way just as firm as Nie Mingjue. They really would be a good match, and not just because it’d make Nie Huaisang’s life so much easier. “But I’m really much too busy to think about anything like that. Matters in the Jin sect, you understand…”

“But –”

“Huaisang, please.”

Damnit.

-

Nie Huaisang was going to need to think about this.

He hated thinking.

-

“It’s just so unfair,” Nie Huaisang moaned. “Why do people insist on making things hard? When it could be so easy if only they’d listen…”

“It sounds like a real tragedy,” Lan Xichen said, pouring him a cup of tea.

He was just barely managing to resist smiling, which was good – he didn’t smile that much anymore, not since whatever it was that happened to him a month or two back around the time the sworn brother ceremony was supposed to happen. No one knew what it was that happened, not even Lan Wangji (Nie Huaisang had asked), but it was making everyone worried; Nie Mingjue had wanted to go over to demand answers practically ever since but things just kept happening.

Mostly due to Lan Xichen, actually, now that Nie Huaisang thought about it.

First there was that failed sworn brotherhood thing – he’d been the one pushing the idea in the first place, but only a week before they actually did the ceremony Lan Xichen had suddenly showed up at the Unclean Realm, bursting into Nie Mingjue’s bedroom while he was resting during his recovery from the events at the Nightless City, and insisted they call the whole thing off. He’d been pale, his eyes wide and scared, but he’d refused to explain anything no matter how many times Nie Mingjue asked; he’d only been sad and oddly clingy for the entire week, refusing to leave until the planned date of the sworn brotherhood ceremony had passed with it unfulfilled.

Then he’d gone home, and things had seemed to be fine, only after the hunt at Phoenix Mountain and Wei Wuxian’s impromptu theft of a bunch of Wen prisoners of war – neither of which appeared to be due to Lan Xichen, admittedly – and right when everyone had been gearing up to go make a big fuss over it, Lan Xichen had abruptly revealed that he’d been investigating the Jin sect and they were up to their necks in all sorts of unfortunate things.

Secret demonic cultivation experiments, which one might understand, and buying corpses, a subject on which the Nie sect had always been remarkably open-minded, but also stealing beloved corpses and tomb robbing, more-than-likely murder, possibly even massacres of entire small clans, all as part of their experiments, and to top it all off there were a whole big number of rapes attributed to Jin Guangshan personally.

Madame Qin among them, which was why Jin Guangyao’s original marriage plans had fallen through. It wasn’t even worth considering it, not when there was a risk that poor Qin Su, who’d had such a crush on the gallant Jin Guangyao, might be his sister…

Anyway, while the Jin were still too powerful, as a Great Sect, to fully suffer the consequences of their actions, the Jin sect had been disgraced at the very moment that they thought they were on the rise. Jin Guangshan had even been talking about taking up the post of Chief Cultivator following Wen Ruohan’s demise, which he might have been able to swing since Nie Mingjue thought the idea of having a Chief Cultivator at all was bullshit, but now obviously that was completely out of the question.

Plus the whole thing had retroactively cleared Wei Wuxian’s name, leaving him free and clear to return to the Jiang sect as a hero who stood up against Jin sect presumptuousness and overreach when no one else would, which was a pretty big change from his previous political position, which was being widely known as an arrogant and dangerous hothead on the verge of being cast out of the sect for the good of the cultivation world at large despite them very, very obviously not wanting to do it.

Wei Wuxian had even been able to bring the Wen sect members he’d rescued back to the Lotus Pier with him, and now there was even talk that Jiang Cheng might marry Wen Qing (as someone who went to the Cloud Recesses lectures with them both, Nie Huaisang wasn’t surprised by the suggestion at all) once his sister concluded her marriage with Jin Zixuan, which was going to be a far less sumptuous affair than originally planned. After all, the politics of the situation had reversed almost entirely, with the disgraced Jin sect needing the marriage to the reputable (and, thanks in large part to Wei Wuxian, powerful) Jiang sect to help keep what was left of their reputation and influence intact.

Perhaps the Jin sect’s crimes were the reason that Lan Xichen had been acting strangely distant from Jin Guangyao, even though no one had ever proven anything about his involvement – Jin Guangshan’s attempt to throw the blame entirely on his newly adopted son were dismissed as the fabrications they so obviously were – but Nie Huaisang wasn’t so sure.

Lan Xichen wasn’t the sort of person to worry about politics, after all. But then why…?

“Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind?” Lan Xichen asked, settling in his own seat with his own cup of tea. He looked very serious, as if Nie Huaisang’s opinion on things mattered to him.

It was nice. Most people just looked really long-suffering when they talked with Nie Huaisang, and those were the people that actually liked him.

“Okay,” Nie Huaisang said. “So. Theoretically, if a person were trying to set up a marriage between, hypothetically, two people who would be perfect for each other, and I do mean disgustingly everything-would-be-wonderful-for-everyone sort of perfect, and they were just, you know, refusing for absolutely no valid reason other than their own stupid issues –”

“How in the world did you figure out that I was trying to get Wangji to confess his affections to Wei Wuxian?” Lan Xichen said, sounding stunned. “I didn’t tell anyone…You really are a genius, Huaisang.”

Nie Huaisang blinked, then lifted his head off the table, settling his chin on his hands.

“That actually wasn’t what I was talking about,” he admitted. “But now you have my full attention and I don’t care about my issue anymore. Tell me everything.”

-

“So, fun fact!” Nie Huaisang said, bouncing into his brother’s bedroom just in time to help him undo his braids before sleep. It was his favorite chore, no matter how much his brother protested that it wasn’t a chore and also that he’d been doing it for himself for years and seriously he could do it himself if Nie Huaisang wasn’t so stupidly possessive about being the only one allowed to do it any time they were both at home with violations punished of having Nie Mingjue’s fingers smacked with Nie Huaisang’s fan, all of which Nie Huaisang treated as the irrelevant and pointless statements they were. “I was just over at the Cloud Recesses visiting Xichen-xiong and he’s clearly super into me.”

“What,” his brother said.

Nie Huaisang cackled and dug his fingers into his brother’s thick hair – he was so jealous, his own was thin and stringy and brushing it definitely did not feel like petting a tiger the way it did when he did Nie Mingjue’s hair. He watched in the mirror with satisfaction as his brother’s shoulders immediately relaxed, all the anger and tension flowing out of them at once as a result of Nie Huaisang’s careful training over the years, although Nie Mingjue’s eyebrows still stayed sky high.

“I’m serious!” Nie Huaisang said, starting to release the braids. “He said that he respects me, and that he thinks I’m a genius. He has to have a thing for me. The only possible reason anyone would respect me is if all the blood had left their brain and they were blinded by my overwhelming prettiness!”

His brother seemed torn between denying Nie Huaisang’s statement that no one could respect him and telling him to stop being so full of himself about the overwhelming prettiness comment.

“Maybe Xichen just went insane,” he ended up saying instead. “That seems marginally more likely.”

“An excellent point,” Nie Huaisang acknowledged because, well, it was. “Now, totally unrelatedly, did you know that the Jin sect is treating poor Jin Guangyao just awful? Madame Jin throws things and Sect Leader Jin yells and blames him for stuff and it’s just so sad, we should do something about it.”

“Something like invite him here to live as my brand new bride, I’m guessing,” Nie Mingjue said, voice extremely dry. “You’re incredibly not subtle.”

Nie Huaisang freed a hand and held up a finger pointedly. “Ah, ah! Xichen-xiong says I’m a genius.”

His brother fell silent for a few moments. “You’re right,” he finally said. “He must have a crush on you. Not even insanity would explain this.”

Nie Huaisang sniggered.

“Also, really, Meng Yao?” Nie Mingjue asked. “That was who you were planning on setting me up with? You have to know that wouldn’t work.” He shifted in his chair. “…are they really beating him there?”

Huh, maybe Lan Xichen was right and Nie Huaisang really was a genius.

He wisely decided not to answer – it would work better if his brother investigated and found out the (admittedly fairly awful, according to the servants’ gossip) details for himself – and instead said, “Why’d you kick him out, anyway? I thought he got stabbed saving you. Whatever he did, how big of a deal could it have been, really?”

“He committed premeditated murder. In the middle of an attack on the sect, no less.”

Damnit, Meng Yao! Can’t you make things easy on me for once?!

“Okay,” Nie Huaisang said, tugging on one of the braids until Nie Mingjue, who’d tensed up, relaxed again. It was a nice that his brother was so easily trainable, or at least he was on everything other than saber practice. Surely that was a selling point that Jin Guangyao could appreciate in a man? “Uh. Have you considered that, uh – well, maybe it could have been justified?”

“I asked him for an explanation,” Nie Mingjue growled. “His reason boiled down to ‘that guy was a dick to me’.”

“Wow,” Nie Huaisang said. “I have such strong empathy for Meng Yao’s position, you have no idea.”

“Huaisang.”

“I’m just saying, if we could stab everyone who acted like a dick…”

“Huaisang. No.”

“You know you want to.”

“But I don’t,” Nie Mingjue insisted. “He used the cover of battle, a Wen sword…he even tried to blame Xue Yang for it when I literally saw him holding the sword in his hand! I should have executed him right then and there, and I would have, if he hadn’t saved my life.”

A tricky one, Nie Huaisang thought. But not a match for me, Nie Huaisang: Lan Xichen-certified genius.

“Okay,” he said. “But…you already punished him for that, right? You exiled him. He was exiled. It was all very sad, tears were shed, mostly by me but also a bit by you – we’re an emotional family – and just possibly by Meng Yao, though who even knows, maybe Jin Guangshan’s spawn are all born without tear ducts as a congenital deficiency. But any way you look at it, it’s done now, and that means he can come back!”

“Huaisang. That’s not how exile works.”

“Uh, I think you’ll find that it does,” Nie Huaisang said haughtily. “There are at least five incidents in the Nie sect’s history where something comparable has happened.”

“Really.” His brother’s voice was very, very dry.

“Really,” Nie Huaisang insisted.

“And you, with your amazing ability to retain facts, know this…how?”

“Okay fine, I made that up,” Nie Huaisang confessed. “But I will find some and prove to you that it’s a thing! And then you’ll have no choice but to agree with my plan!”

“That’s not how that works, either,” Nie Mingjue said. “But if you’re willing to knuckle down and do the historical research to justify your bullshit, I’ll – consider it.”

“I will! You’ll see!”

-

“Xichen-xiong!” Nie Huaisang wept, clinging onto Lan Xichen’s arm. “You have to help me! There are so many books! And they’re all so long! They’re doing it just to spite me personally!”

Lan Xichen managed, with a truly remarkable amount of skill, to detach Nie Huaisang from his arm and settle him down in a chair in record time. If Nie Huaisang didn’t know better, he would have guessed that he’d done it before dozens, maybe even hundreds, of times, but of course they didn’t know each other that well.

Pity, that. Nie Huaisang might not need him as urgently as he needed Jin Guangyao, but losing out on having Lan Xichen as his er-ge was also a big downside of the whole not-swearing-brotherhood thing.

“What’s the problem this time, Huaisang?” Lan Xichen asked. He did not seem all that concerned, which...yeah, fair.

“I need you to do some research for me,” Nie Huaisang said, batting his eyelashes at him to see if that would work. “Nie sect history. Please?”

Lan Xichen tensed a little. It was a minute gesture, barely even noticeable. “On…what subject? Does your brother know?”

“Free passage laws and border restrictions,” Nie Huaisang said, and Lan Xichen visibly relaxed. “And of course he knows, he assigned it! Do you think I would do boring old historical research for fun?”

Lan Xichen smiled again, and Nie Huaisang counted it as a victory.

“All right, I’ll help,” he said indulgently, then paused. “Just…this isn’t part of some scheme, right?”

“Of course not,” Nie Huaisang said, injured. “Why would you even ask that? I am the most scheme-less person you could ever meet in your life. There are newborn baby rabbits that are more scheming than me!”

This was because newborn baby rabbits were dicks. Lan Wangji made him hold one once and Nie Huaisang was pretty sure it deliberately pissed on his fingers.

Lan Xichen coughed into his sleeve, just barely managing not to laugh in face. “I’m sure you are. No reason for asking. Did you bring the records you wanted me to look through?”

“By total coincidence, in fact, I did! Not that I would assume that you’d agree, of course.”

“…of course, Huaisang.”

-

“Jin-xiong!” Yes, Nie Huaisang was going for it; Jin Zixuan was just going to have to deal. “Jin-xiong, I have been informed by reliable sources that you’re a big fan of power, am I right?”

Jin Guangyao actually reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose – he must be very tired, to react that way while Nie Huaisang was still present.

In fairness, he really had been having a hard time of it recently. Even putting aside how awful it must be to live with Sect Leader Jin and his wife – it was no surprise (to Nie Huaisang, anyway) that their own son and heir spent a disturbingly large portion of his time visiting the Lotus Pier with his wife, even accounting for having to deal with the world’s most over-protective brothers-in-law – there were all the problems the Jin sect was having, the way Sect Leader Jin’s nasty and arrogant reactions to being challenged only seemed to be making it all worse, and then of course there was also the fact that Nie Mingjue had literally punched Sect Leader Jin in the face after he’d come in unexpectedly and caught him throwing a cup of tea on Jin Guangyao.

(That particular disaster was still ongoing, actually, and at very high volume – Jin Guangyao had been waiting anxiously outside the door, which wasn’t going to do him a single bit of good, but luckily for him Nie Huaisang was here to distract him from all of his troubles. Wasn’t Nie Huaisang a wonderfully nice person?)

“Jin-xiong,” Nie Huaisang whined, tugging on Jin Guangyao’s sleeve until the other man had no choice but to follow him further down the hallway and further away from the receiving room where the current Nie-Jin shouting session was happening behind them. “Tell me. Am I right?”

“You’re really excitable today, Huaisang,” Jin Guangyao said instead of answering. “Are you feeling all right?”

“Actually, I really, really, really hate flying on my saber and I’ve had to do it so often recently, it’s been terrible, you have no idea how much I’ve suffered, but I’m at least marginally hopeful that it’ll all be worth it in the end. But enough about me. You, power…how would you really like to tell your father and his wife where to shove it?”

“Huaisang,” Jin Guangyao said helplessly. “We’re in the middle of Koi Tower. Can you at least keep your voice down?”

Pssh, like Nie Huaisang cared what some Jin sect retainers thought. His brother just punched their sect leader in the face, what in the world was he going to do that would top that?

“Really,” he insisted, deciding to ignore Jin Guangyao’s clearly misplaced objections. “Consider it for a moment. How would you like to obtain fame, power, wealth, legitimacy – of the public-recognition variety, not the familial sort, you got that already – the ability to rub your success into your father’s face and also possibly jump up and down on it a few times, and, just as a bonus, also maybe become Chief Cultivator?”

Technically, wife of the Chief Cultivator, but in reality there was no way he wouldn’t be the one doing all the work. People were being really insistent about there being one, and with Jin Guangshan out of the picture, Lan Xichen acting weirdly shifty, and Jiang Cheng being Jiang Cheng, the entire cultivation world were all currently forming a consensus that it was going to be Nie Mingjue regardless of whether he actually agreed to take the job. So if Nie Huaisang’s poor beleaguered big brother was going to get stuck with the title, why not give the work to someone who’d actually enjoy it?

“Huaisang,” Jin Guangyao said, and his voice was so overtly sorrowful and pathetic that Nie Huaisang actually stopped to goggle at him. “I have never once sought personal power nor pursued ambition on my own behalf, and I regret that you think of me in that way.”

He paused for a moment.

“You can keep talking, though.”

“Excellent,” Nie Huaisang said. “So the plan is –”

-

“Forgive my language,” Lan Xichen said, his voice a little strangled. “But what the fuck?”

Nie Huaisang giggled. “I didn’t know the Lan sect permitted swearing.”

“It doesn’t. I’ll punish myself later,” Lan Xichen said, still staring blankly into space. “I just…they’re getting married? All those changes, and they end up getting married?”

“Technically, they’re eloping,” Nie Huaisang said. “Since they’re not actually getting Jin-xiong’s father’s permission and all…oh, Madame Jin looks angry enough to eat glass. I love weddings!”

Lan Xichen turned to look at him with narrowed eyes.

“Huaisang,” he said warningly. “This was a scheme on your part, wasn’t it?”

“Uh, I mean, okay, maybe a little,” Nie Huaisang confessed. “But only a little. A mini-scheme. A micro-plot. A stratagem. Oooh, did I intrigue? I like that. I’m intriguing.”

“You certainly are that,” Lan Xichen said dryly. “But…why?”

“Because now Jin-xiong – we can still call him that, right? I don’t think his father has the right to take back the name once it’s given, even if he does go ahead and disown him the way he’s threatening to – now Jin-xiong can do all the paperwork and make things run efficiently back home, and also it’s now totally in his best interest to make sure my brother stays sect leader and Chief Cultivator forever because otherwise he loses the basis of his own power,” Nie Huaisang explained. “And thus far I haven’t seen anything that Jin-xiong – oh, I can call him sao-zi now, that’s much more straightforward! – anything that he can’t do if he puts his mind to it. Which means I am now guaranteed to have a nice long life full of sweet, blissful nothing! No responsibilities! Freedom!”

He paused.

“Oh, and obviously they’ll be great together, really happy and all that,” he added. “That’s important too.”

Lan Xichen put his hand up to his forehead, but he was smiling broadly now – not the tiny little smiles Nie Huaisang had managed to steal up out of him up until now, but a big old grin.

“Anyway, now that that’s over and done with, I promise, no more schemes,” Nie Huaisang added, putting his hand on his heart. “This is the last one, okay? If you don’t believe me, you can write it into our marriage vows.”

Lan Xichen huffed a little, clearly not believing him, but he sounded fond about it. “Whatever you say, Huaisang – wait. Hold on. Our what?”

“Our marriage vows,” Nie Huaisang explained. “At our marriage. On account of your total inexplicable crush on me, which upon reflection I have generously decided to accept and return your affections.”

Lan Xichen’s mouth was opening and closing like a fish.

“Of course, we’re not going to be so lucky as to just elope,” Nie Huaisang continued thoughtfully. “Da-ge can’t have a proper wedding ceremony because people will be too afraid of irritating Sect Leader Jin to attend, but if we have a nice big party to announce my engagement to you, well, that’s different, right? They can all come to that. It’ll be like a secret-not-secret wedding that everyone knows is a wedding but with the plausible deniability that it’s totally just an engagement party. But if we have the big announcement, there’s no getting out of doing all the steps and rituals and whatnot, and, oh, we’ll have to deal with your uncle and our elders…it’ll be a disaster, really. So much work!”

He sighed. “Oh, the things I do for you, Xichen-gege! You’re very lucky I like you so much!”

Lan Wangji cleared his throat behind them both, and they turned to look at him – he was standing there with his arm around Wei Wuxian’s waist, which was more or less the same posture he was always in these days. Now that was one marriage – arranged as it might have been originally, with Lan Xichen pressuring Jiang Cheng until he agreed – that had gone very well, even if Lan Wangji was still a little cold with his brother over the extremely aggressive tactics he had employed in getting them together.

“Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials, brother,” Lan Wangji said, somewhat stone faced. “It couldn’t have happened to someone more deserving.”

Wei Wuxian, by his side, smiled and nodded. “If you’d like any help planning the wedding –” he started to say.

“Oh, would you?” Nie Huaisang exclaimed, clapping his hands in excitement. “Wei-xiong, you’re the best. We’re going to need at least a thousand of those spirit summon flags of yours.”

“A – a thousand? Do you know how long it’ll take me to draw a thousand talismans?!”

“Well, how else will we guarantee that we have a hunt so impressive that no one will ever stop talking about it?” Nie Huaisang asked, because obviously that’s what his da-ge would have wanted for his own wedding and since Nie Huaisang messed that up for his own purposes, having it at his was the least he could do to make it up to him. 

Best of all, as the bride, he’d be all decked out in jewelry and fancy clothing and exactly nobody would expect him to participate. Win-win! 

“Chop-chop, Wei-xiong! The wedding’s happening sooner rather than later, so if you think you’re going to have problems keeping up with demand, I’ll send some Nie sect disciples with decent handwriting over to you to learn. I think some of the people sao-zi is bringing with him from the Jin sect have some background in demonic cultivation too, I don’t know, but I’ll find out and let you know as soon as possible. You need to train up some people anyway so that you can ramp up production – once you start selling your talismans, more people will use them, and people will be much less afraid of you. Isn’t that wonderful?”

Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian were both gaping at him. Possibly he had used too many words at once for them – or maybe it was just the speed in which he’d said it?

Lan Xichen started laughing.

“This is fine,” he said, wiping his eyes. “It’s just so much better than – yes, this is fine.”

Nie Huaisang was glad he agreed.

It meant the epic getting-together scheme that he’d had half-planned in the back of his mind in the event Lan Xichen said no could be safely shelved for another day.

Victory!

[nanamismoonchild]

 pairing: CEO! Namjoon x black Assistant! Y/N

genre: fluff, angst, boss/employee relationship, f2l

warnings: mention of racism/discrimination in workplace, very indirect mention of domestic abuse

Summary:   Losing your job was one of the worst things that could possibly happen to you. Bills started piling up, and soon enough you were in complete debt.  By a miracle, you were offered the position of assistant to the CEO of Persona who turns out to be a real sweetheart.

WC: 5.6k--i think this is the most i’ve written. i could’ve written some more but ya girl was losing that thing called inspiration. 

A/N: This fic is the definition of what a Hallmark movie is. First it takes you on a straight-forward path then BAM! But you gotta love them for that.  Remember was originally supposed to be called Deceiving the Moon, but I changed the plot entirely into this one and I can’t but love this version more so now it is Remember. And I hope you’ll remember to enjoy it!

beta-reader(s)-- @birbdae​ thank you for the praise and the tiny criticisms bby. they made me smile! 

The pink paper slip seemed to burn your hand as you held it.  The tears in your eyes did nothing to persuade your boss of three years to keep you on the project that you held dear to your heart. The new girl he had hired to replace you couldn’t meet your eyes as she handed you the box filled with your personal belongings from your office space. 

“Oh, ____. Before you leave, can you email the final preparations for the toy drive? We would like to get started as soon as possible.”

The bastard smiled up at you as he practically ripped your heart to pieces. The toy drive had been your idea from the start to beginning. You were the program manager as well the assistant to the CEO who had wanted nothing to do with the project until he learned of the tax cut he was able to receive.  

Then he replaced and fired you. Now he was asking for your hard work that you manifested.  

You had dealt with a lot of shit regarding this company. Racist comments while being the only black woman on the team, being told you hair being in braids was not professional, and being paid the least out of everyone including the new assistant. Yet you had stayed. Your dreams of finally managing to pull off a huge event in your name had made you persevere and smile in the face of the evil work environment. 

The dream slowly crumbled as you stared at the assistant, the boss, and the pink slip. There was no way you would give him anything you had created.  

“No. Start the entire project yourself. I’m sure your new assistant knows how to program manage. I’ll be taking my toy drive elsewhere. I will not be letting the kids down because of your incompetence and willingness to fire me two months before the charity was supposed to begin. Fuck you.”

The CEO’s smile dropped quickly hearing those words. Perhaps this was a bad idea. But before he could retract his statement of firing the one person he knew he could count on, you left the office, head held high, middle finger in the air. 

 Three weeks later, the many jobs you had applied for had not replied to you, and your last paycheck from the previous job was slowly dwindling. If nothing came up soon, you wouldn’t be able to afford the rent for the next month. 

Your friends Seokjin and Jungkook offered to help; however, your pride was getting in the way and you would only use them as a last resort if you couldn’t find a job in time. 

For the time being, you tried to relax and avoid thoughts of the impending bills that threatened to pile up. 

Putting on a bonnet and pouring a glass of wine, you prepared to pamper yourself with a little Netflix binge. Seokjin had brought the wine as soon as he had heard about what happened. He worked at  Persona and couldn’t believe the unjust condition that had been forced on you. Persona was the best company to work at according to your older friend. He had once tried to convince you to apply there. Yet you hadn’t listened. There might not have been a chance to grow there seeing as many interns went there after graduating like Seokjin, and you prefer not to work with friends. As much as you loved Seokjin, you knew how childish he could be despite the mature attitude he tended to exude. You were the same way. Putting you two together in the same building was a catastrophe waiting to happen. 

The day he brought the wine, he told you the CEO--Kim Namjoon- was looking for a new assistant and would more than listen to your project proposal. 

Not to mention, he would pay you more than what you received at your old company. 

The idea tickled in the back of your mind as you sipped your wine. As much as you would have liked to work somewhere differently, the bills were waving at you in the distance and the employers you had contacted seemed to be uninterested. At least Seokjin could put in a good word for you. 

Picking up your phone, you dialed the number you knew well. 

“___! “ “Jinnie!” You could hear Jungkook in the background, yelling something that was unclear to you. 

“To what do I owe the pleasure? Do you need food? I just made those dumplings that you like so much. I could run them up to you.”

“Please. I haven’t eaten anything all day. But that’s not why I called. I want to know how to apply for the position of the assistant.”

Seokjin audibly gasped and made a sound keen to a squeal.  

“You apply by showing up tomorrow in your best business apparel at eight am sharp tomorrow at my doorstep so I can take you for open interview sessions. And bring your portfolio--no resume needed.”

“No resume?”

“Nope.”

“Oh...Alright. Eight am sharp. Best business clothes. Portfolio. Got it. Thank you Jinnie.” “No problem, __. Anything for Jungkook and I’s best friend who tends to steal our hoodies,” he said, a smile practically being heard through his voice.

“Those aren’t your hoodies anymore first of all. Second of all, I don’t steal. I borrow without the possibility of giving it back.  Third of all, bring me my food. I’m starving.”

“I’m already at your door. Open up. And Jungkook came here too. He brought that silly game of his.” Hanging up, you stand up to adjust your bonnet and the pajamas you had lounged in. You walked over to the door and opened it to see your friends’ arms full of snacks and games to play for the night. 

“We’ll be done with our mini get together for you to get enough sleep and prepare for your interview. Right now, we’re going to help you mope around,” Jungkook told you as both he and his older roommate stepped into your apartment.  

“Somehow I doubt it, but I’ll give you the time of day since you brought dumplings.”

All three of you laughed. 

 The next morning, the alarm blared at six o’ clock. Sitting up and stretching your limbs, you pushed yourself off the bed and into the bathroom. You needed to look your best for the interview and show you were the best candidate. And that started with a nice, hot shower. The lavender soap washed the stress off of your body and the water carried it into the drain. 

Jungkook had helped pick out your outfit while Seokjin had helped prepare your portfolio.Your hair was braided, and it was too heavy for you to set it into a bun of some sort, so you let it stay down and applied a little coconut oil.  

 Everything was ready and set. You were ready. 

At exactly eight o’ clock, you stood outside of Jungkook’s and Seokjin’s shared apartment. You could hear shuffling coming from right behind the door, alerting you that Jin was going to open the door. As he swung the door open, you leaned over to see a slightly disheveled Jungkook throwing on his backpack. 

“Late for class again?”

He grunted and moved past you. 

Jin laughed and locked the door before pushing you towards the exit of the apartment. 

“You ready for the open interviews?”

“I think so. Scratch that. I know so.” Your momma always told you confidence was the answer to everything.  

“You’ll wow Namjoon. You’re more than qualified and Namjoon could use your ideas. That’s why I said bring your portfolio.” “Thanks.”

 The drive to Persona was quick and easy. And loud as Jin played his favorite tunes and sang along to them. It uplifted your spirits and calmed some of the butterflies that blossomed in your stomach. You knew a lot about Namjoon from what Jin told you whenever he came home from work and bothered you. 

He was sweet and caring. His employees came first to him and took their opinions seriously.  Any criticisms anyone had was dealt with right away as a group or one on one. 

On one occasion, an employee’s car was destroyed because of her ex and she couldn’t find a way to work other than Ubers. It began to get too expensive, and she told Namjoon her dilemma. After a brief meeting, he was convinced to begin a carpool service for his employees at no cost to them. 

Your old boss was neither of those and only cared for the profits that came. If someone didn’t have a ride to work, it wasn’t his problem.

Namjoon’s handsome according to Jin. Tall, tan, and handsome had been the exact words Seokjin had said. Namjoon’s smile brightened everyone’s day when he smiled and nodded good morning to everyone. He always wore tailored suits--clothes fitting him to a T.   

You didn’t necessarily need these details for the interview, but knowing exactly what type of boss Namjoon would be would set your mind to achieve your goal of getting the job through any means. 

Seokjin walked you to the door of his boss’s office and knocked twice. A deep voice told you to come in.

The butterflies in your belly  picked up full speed. As you tried to calm yourself down, Jin opened the door. 

“Namjoon! ____ is here!” Jin announced.  

The man in particular was seated at a mahogany desk in a  leather chair that seemed much too small for him. As big as he was though, he exuded a calming aura, and not one of arrogance.  

He stood up, a huge smile spreading on his face. His dimples were pronounced and it made your heart skip a beat or two. Jin had not mentioned dimples. They were your weakness. 

“Thank you Seokjin. You can go get started on your work,” he dismissed the older man and turned to you. “ Hello,  Ms ___. A pleasure to speak to you today.” “Um, it’s my pleasure to speak with you as well.”

He circled around back to his chair, and motioned for you to take the chair across from. As you made your way over, you took in the decor of the office. It was bigger than your previous boss’s.   There were many statues that you knew were from the KAWS collection. You had a few yourself, but not as many as this man had. The statues were placed in display cases that were scattered around the room. The room was not stark white, and had small bouts of brown and orange around the room. It was unusually calming--helping those butterflies in your belly. 

Sitting down, you smiled at the man in front of you, not knowing how to start the interview. 

“So I presume Seokjin told you about the position and what I’m expecting, correct?”

“Yes, and I believe that I can do more than what you’re expecting of me.”

Namjoon nodded, “That’s good. An assistant who wants to do more is exactly what I’m looking for. My last assistant was an intern, and though she was great, I wanted a little more. I see you brought a portfolio. Tell me a little about what is in it.”

This was the moment you had prepared for. Even though you had anticipated it to be later in the interview, you knew exactly what to say.

“This portfolio actually contains some of the projects and the work I developed at my previous job. One of them includes a toy drive. I was fortunately able to keep the project for myself, and I planned on getting funding from a local bank in order to kickstart it again. The toy drive would consist of donations and toys I buy myself and giving it to domestic abuse shelters for the mothers and children-”

“When was this supposed to take place?” Namjoon interrupted, curiosity clear in his voice. 

“Oh, it was supposed to take place next month. December. It’s a time crunch but I believe I could do it. The other projects were for my boss who couldn’t be bothered to do anything for himself--Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.”

“Completely fine.” He drummed his long fingers on the table, encasing them in silence for a while. 

You hadn’t meant to ramble on about the toy drive, but the passion you felt for the charity event was incredible. Your mother had owned a domestic abuse home, and the amount of women and children who had to spend Christmas hiding away was consistently on your mind. You wanted to do something for them. 

“___?” 

“Yes?” You steeled yourself for another question. 

“On the basis that you continue this toy drive, and it is successful--I have a feeling it will  be--the job is yours.”

You practically jumped out of your seat, grabbing Namjoon’s hand and shaking it in excitement.  

“Thank you, thank you, thank you! You will not be disappointed. I will be the best assistant to you and this toy drive means too much to me for it to fail.” 

Namjoon grinned, his dimples showing out again. “You can talk to Jung Hoseok in the HR department. He’ll get you ready to be an employee of Persona. I want you to work tomorrow morning.”

Nodding, you moved to stand up and leave before remembering to bow in respect. 

“Thank you so much.”

“No, thank you. Not only will I have some of this paperwork done, but I’ll be getting very good advertisement for the company. It’s a win-win.”

“Right. How much paperwork do you have exactly?”

“It’s been about two months since my intern left, so…” He trailed off, running a hand through his hair. 

“I’ll be here bright and early then,” you said giggling. “See you tomorrow.”

Closing the door behind you, you glanced around for your best friend. You found him near the coffee machine in the far corner. As you sidled next to him, you poked him, making him jump.

“___! That didn’t take too long. How did it go?”

“We should probably wake up early enough to eat breakfast before we both have to be at work.”

 The news took a minute to  register in his brain. He took your hands and brought you in for a hug. 

“I told you you’d get it! And no, we’re not waking up that early. We can breakfast here--there’s an all-day buffet set up in the kitchen. Speaking of, you might not even know where that is, so I’ll have to give you a tour of the place. But there’s a few hours til I have a lunch break.”

“It’s fine. I have to go to HR anyway and fill out some paperwork.” 

“Min Yoongi was just about to go there. Weren’t you?” Seokjin turned towards the stranger in question. Min Yoongi had been completely hidden from you because of Jin’s broad shoulders.  

“Uh, yeah. I can take her.” 

Yoongi held two cups of coffee in his hands and a manila folder tucked into his armpit. He was only missing a bluetooth speaker in his ear and you can say he looked like all of the clients your previous company dealt with.  He was handsome with pale skin and droopy brown eyes. 

You gave him a small smile, and let him lead the way to HR. It was a few floors down so you had to take the elevator. It was a slow ride down. 

“What’s your name by the way?”

“I’m ____. Just got hired.”

“Min Yoongi. You already know that though. I’m a financial analyst.”

“Sounds cool.  How long have you been working here?”

“I was hired last year. I’m assuming you know Seokjin?”

“Yeah, I’m his best friend.”

The conversation came to an awkward pause. Thankfully, the elevator arrived on your floor and Yoongi led you to the office of Jung Hoseok before heading off in the other direction. 

Jung Hoseok was seated behind a desk; his eyes were focused on the computer screen in front of him. He glanced away from his computer to focus on you and smiled.. Everyone here at Persona seemed to have easygoing smiles and it helped settle any uneasiness you had about accepting the job and getting to know your new co-workers. You had rarely interacted with any of your former coworkers outside of meetings.  You hoped to change that. 

“I’m assuming you’re ___? I have the paperwork on that table over there. Salary information, bank information, the usual. Please fill it  out and I will have you as an employee in no time. Take as much time as you need--I won’t be going anywhere soon.”

The paperwork was easy to fill out, taking only a few minutes of your time. You would be paid more than what you were being paid at your former job. You had thirteen vacation days and thirteen sick days, totaling twenty-six days in all for you to take care of yourself. You couldn’t remember the last time you had actually been able to stay home from work for even having a rough day. There was an employee handbook at the end of the stack that you would take home and read. 

“I’m done.”

Hoseok startled, having forgotten you were in the room from how silent you were. You handed him the papers and promptly sat back down, avoiding all conversation with him.  He reminded you of everything you didn’t want in coworkers. 

It took him at least twenty minutes to get you into the system. He turned to you with the prettiest smile on his face. 

“Congratulations! You’re now an employee of Persona. I’ll have an ID ready for you tomorrow when you come in. I’ll meet you in Namjoon’s office.”

Working with Namjoon was poles apart from working with your old boss. He didn’t give you an ungodly amount of work to do just because he could. He let you catch up on the work that had yet to be completed by his intern and gave you enough time to plan the toy drive. 

You’d get so into your work, you’d lose track of time and he would have to guide you out of the office to eat lunch. He treated you to many lunches on several occasions always saying it was in his best interest to keep his assistant fed. You felt it was for more than that. 

Namjoon was very attractive and was definitely your type. Boss-employee relationships only worked out in fanfictions and movies unfortunately. And there was the small detail of the employee handbook strictly advocating for non-relations in the office. 

You’d discern a hint of flirtiness whenever he complimented your outfit for the day. Of course, you thanked him. But you refused to flirt back. There was no point in indulging in the flirting game. He was your boss and that’s all he would be for as long as you had this job. 

Biting into a sandwich that you brought for lunch, you go over the email once more. It was an email for the employees of the company to donate any toy they could. The deadline was the 24th considering everyone had Christmas off. A week and then the children could have a special Christmas filled with toys and cheer.  You only needed Namjoon to approve it and send it off. You had asked Park Jimin, who was part of the marketing team, to create little animations for you. They were the cutest things ever and made the email a lot more friendlier. A snowman waved, there was snowfall, and even Santa bringing a toy to a child. Jimin had completely outdone himself for you. 

Namjoon would be back from lunch in a couple of minutes, so you decided to sit in his office and wait for him.  It was only next door to your office so you didn’t mind and you could straighten up his filing while you were in there. 

Soon you were lost in the work of rearranging his file system. It was weird to see that man was usually always well-kept, but his organization skills were a little lackluster. No wonder he hired you on the spot. A picture was at the bottom of the file cabinet--Namjoon didn’t want everything to be on the computer for emergencies. Picking it up, you see a dimpled child with his arms around what you assumed was his mother. His face was covered in chocolate but you knew that it was a young Namjoon. They were sitting at a table filled with different foods and you could make out a Christmas tree in the background. A familiar tree. 

You had spent many hours and years in front of that tree. It belonged to your mother’s shelter. Your favorite ornament to hang on it was a Strawberry Shortcake ornament that your father had given you before the three of you moved to South Korea. That's how you recognized the tree. The ornament hung low from the Christmas tree exactly where you always put it. Namjoon had been there. You couldn’t remember ever meeting him considering you always spent your Christmases in the shelter with the families. 

You would have recalled seeing dimples as deep as his. 

A tiny gasp alerted you that you were being nosey. 

“Namjoon! I’m sorry. I was just re-organizing the cabinet. I didn’t mean to pry..but I found out something you might want to hear.”

“And what would that be?” His tone wasn’t angry but it still had a little attitude. 

“You used to stay at my mom’s shelter. Small world,” you started to giggle before realizing what exactly his and his mother’s staying truly meant. “Maybe you don’t want to hear that.”

To your astonishment, Namjoon smiled at you. A small one but your heart still fluttered. He wasn’t entirely mad at you. 

“Yeah. When Seokjin mentioned you for the position, I instantly recognized your name. I wanted to hire you right then. You had been so nice to me and my mother that it stuck with me for all these years. Obviously you don’t remember me as much as I remember you though.” 

“It’s probably because I’ve been so focused on the toy drive. I really want to surprise them this year. It’s the most I can do to show them that they’re not completely alone in the world. That people are thinking of them and want to help them.” “And I think this gesture would make everyone happy. I know I would have loved something like this.”

“And I would have gladly given it to you. But I was only ten years old at the time. But for right now, I need you to approve this mass email that advertises the donations of toys.”

Namjoon let out a guttural laugh and sat in his chair to review the email. 

 It was the 24th--the final day of the donation drive. Your co-workers had been dropping off toys since the email went out. The storage room on your floor was filled to the brim and you were beyond ecstatic.  There were doll-houses, kitchenettes, monster trucks, board games, painting sets, bicycles (with the training wheels), and even things for the older kids staying at the shelter. Namjoon had thought some of the toys could even go to another shelter in the city. You decided to pick a homeless shelter knowing there were a few kids there as well.  

Namjoon had helped you rent a truck for the day that would aid in loading and transporting the toys across the city to the shelters. Jin, Jungkook, Jimin, Hoseok, Yoongi, and the new intern, Taehyung, had offered to help as well.  You were grateful for the help and thanked each of them for giving up a portion of their Christmas to help you deliver the toys.  

Loading the truck took hours as there were many toys. You treated everyone to a few drinks and dinner for all the help they were giving you. 

“Here’s to seeing the smiling faces on the children tomorrow when we deliver the toys!”

Throwing back the shot glass of soju, you whooped and whistled along with the men around you. The plan wasn’t to drink too much as you had to be up bright and early in order to deliver the toys to both shelters in time before the children woke up.  

The shelter leaders had already promised to try and keep them from going near the tree before nine that morning. 

After eating, you all made your way to your cars--of course you had back with Seokjin and Jungkook. You reminded everyone to meet at the office. You and Namjoon would be driving the truck, while everyone else trailed after you in their cars.

The morning could not come soon enough for you. 

 Waking up wasn’t hard for you at all. The exhilaration coursing through your body was enough to get you to hop off the bed and into the showers without so much as a grown. The bonnet you had placed on your head the night before had kept your hair in tip top shape as usual. You could always trust a bonnet. 

Finger combing out the curls that had flattened a little through the night, your afro soon came to its puffy and natural state of bouncy curls.  

You rushed to put on the ugly sweater outfit you had bought for this occasion before rushing out of the door, colliding into Jungkook and Jin. They, like you, were excited for the day ahead of you. 

The three of you packed yourself into Jin’s car and blasted Mariah Carey’s Christmas album for the short ride to Persona. 

The rest of your group was already waiting for you. Jimin had made hot chocolate for the lot of you, and after a brief moment of making sure the toys were all packed into the truck, Namjoon and you climbed into the front seats, and took off. 

Namjoon was singing off-key to ‘What Do the Lonely Do on Christmas’--a classic love of yours--creating a symphony of giggles from you. The Christmas cheer was big in all of you, especially the tall giant that is Namjoon.   He was showing a much goofier side of him that you would have loved to see more of in the office. The man was carefree most of the time,but he always held this air of seriousness. You couldn’t help but wonder if his childhood had created some of that. 

The shelter was slowly moving into your vision as you got closer and closer. You heartbeat picked up, realizing just how much you missed being here with your mom and dad. They were some of the best memories you could ever have. However, your mom began to think that the shelter wasn’t the best place for you to grow up in and made you stay with your father at home or in his office. You had always come back, but it was always too crowded and the children never wanted to play with you since you were in high school. You thought it was because they couldn’t relate to you since you hadn’t been in their position. 

Namjoon pulled into the drive of your mother’s shelter, parking the car to where the trunk faced the door for easy access. 

Your mother was waiting for you at the front door and gave you a tight hug. 

“Hey baby girl! I’ve been waiting for you. The kids are going to love waking up to these.”

“I know Mama,’ you turned to introduce the boys. A bashful Namjoon was already behind you.

“I’m not sure if you remember but this is Kim Namjoon.  He used to stay here.”

It took your mother a minute to recognize him. He had grown up so much from the scrawny little one he used to be. Always hiding under his mother unless he was playing with you. 

“Well, I’ll be damned. Kim Namjoon. Son of Kim Eunha. Boy, look at you! Come here and give me a hug,” your mother said, her southern drawl prominent in her voice.  She pulled Namjoon into a hug, making the huge man blush a deep red. 

Holding back a giggle, you stuttered, “Mama! Mama! Let him go. We gotta get the toys out the truck or the kids are going to see nine Santas putting  toys under the tree. And it’ll just ruin everything.”

“You’re right. But I won’t be helping,” she laughed.  “Y’all have fun with that. Imma go make some cookies.”

You shook your head, laughing. Namjoon was laughing as well, indicating he remember just how boisterous your mother could be.

“It’s a black mother thing,” you told him. 

Unloading the toys didn’t take as long as loading them did to all of your surprise. The toys that were to be taken to the other shelter stayed in. Namjoon and you were staying here while the rest of the boys took those. 

The living room of the shelter was filled with toys for the little girls and boys, and you couldn’t be happier. For years, it had only been a few toys under there. Most of them had been from your family but you couldn’t afford too many.  

Your ornament on the tree was in the same place it always was. It was slowly losing a few of its colours, but Strawberry Shortcake could still be made out. 

“The famous Strawberry Shortcake. You know, I asked you if I could put it on the year I stayed here. You let me.”

The memory popped up as soon as he said it. 

You were both tired from running around in the snow for hours until Jack Frost started nipping at your noses. You only had enough energy to fix up the tree. Namjoo had asked to put it on, and you almost threw a fit before recalling why he was here. You obliged, and saw how happy it made him.  

“I did. You looked so happy. I think I wanted to kiss you.”

“We did. Right under that mistletoe.”

Blushing, you turned towards where Namjoon pointed and saw the old mistletoe your father put out to trick your mother into kissing him. He put it in the same place knowing she would stop right under it: the entrance to the kitchen. 

“Oh wow. Why am I just now remembering that. We had no idea what we were doing and you even bit me!”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Yeah, you totally bit me,” the shriek of laughter you let out was enough to wake the entire shelter, but the memory was too amusing.  How had you forgotten it?

Before he could think of apologizing for the mishap and offer to re-do it, the laughter and shrieks of children waking up and bounding down the stairs interrupted the both of you. 

“Santa came! Santa came! Wow! Look a bike!”

Various gasps and squeals exploded through the living room. The mothers all had cups of hot chocolate, holding back tears of appreciation. Some of the older kids noticed the tablets that had been laid out on the “big kid” table and were soon immersed in figuring out who would get what. 

Your heart squeezed seeing all the happiness unfold around you. This was what you wanted. Just a day for the children and mothers to have a little hope.  

You picked up a gift that you had bought personally the day after seeing that Namjoon had stayed at the shelter. You had lied and said that you hadn’t remembered everything. But you remembered this one.

“Namjoon!” You held out the present for you. It was wrapped in spiderman paper wrapping but it was all you had left.  

He tore it open with vigor and let out a tiny gasp seeing what it was. 

“You remembered?”

“Yep. It was my pinky promise before I left. I always keep my promises.”

It was a leather notebook with a fountain pen. It was something that he could easily buy himself but you recollected the exact conversation you had years ago before leaving the shelter. 

 “Oh, you’re leaving ___?”

“Yeah,” you kicked at a frozen rock, “Mama thinks it’s not safe for me to be here right now. So I’ll be spending time with my Dad in his office from now on. I’ll still come here though. This place means a lot to me. “

“Cool. I won’t be after next week though. My mom finally found a place for the two of us.”

“Aw, I’ll miss you. You owe me another kiss.”

“”And I’ll miss you. I promise you another kiss if you promise me a leather book with a fountain pen.”

The surprised look on your face made him laugh.  

“Uhm, why a leather book with a fountain pen?”

“I want to be a business owner one  day. A leather book and fountain pen are fancy and I’ve seen your dad use one.” “It keeps him organized according to Mama. But I doubt it. Dad would lose his head if it wasn’t attached to his body.”

You both laughed and pinky promised. 

 As much as you didn’t like boss-relationships, you had known Namjoon since your childhood technically. And you would like to get to know him more. Obviously your relationship was going to bloom had you two not been separated.  

Not to mention, he had let you finish the toy drive. Had it not been for him remembering who you were and loving your idea, you wouldn’t have been able to do it. Working for him was a Christmas miracle if you said so yourself. 

It was meant to be.  

“I think you owe me something now.”

Namjoon placed both of his hands on your hips, bringing you in closer to him. His smile showed you the dimples you had come to love to see.  

“I promise this time with no biting.”

Namjoon’s index and thumb lifted your chin up and his soft lips pressed against yours. 

Around you, the kids were tumbling around with their new toys and the teenagers were still fussing over the electronics. 

But the kiss is all that mattered. 

Merry Christmas to you.